#fuck running out of meds
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Ya know for all my suicidal ideation n shit, when our body threatens to kill us I am like oh no wait I don’t actually want to die pls stop
Bitch if I die I want it to be on MY terms, RUDE is an understatement
Fuck Lupus (even if it turns out to be a misdiagnosis after all this time) FUCK LUPUS and FUCK possible disease pretending to be SLE
Also FUCK PMS IT HAS BEEN at LEAST a WEEK where is the BLOOD??? get it OVER WITH AGHGGHHHH
I cannot understand how my partner survived this shit for however many years before I came to this universe, but at least now we have each other, but also OUCH (understatement)
#FUCK LUPUS#fuck pms#delirious thoughts#chronic illness#suicidal ideation#fuck my existence#soulbond#alterhuman#actually plural#fuck tags#chronic pain#multiverse theory#actually schizospec#systemic lupus erythematosus#i refuse to die#screaming into the void#in like 5 mins I’m gonna be laughing and/or sobbing#fuck being sick#fuck being delirious#fuck running out of meds#i didn’t know they would be RARE here#what the fuck#laughing in *cries*#screaming into the ethernet#fuck my life#actually please don’t I wanna live#i love my partner#i’m going insane#like more than usual
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friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me
#It’s just so different#even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol#in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps#if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it#esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends#no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr#u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS#meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life#this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation#like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !!#& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers#who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them#and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends#it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me#I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc#like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this#so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works#p
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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don’t worry claudeleine I’LL save you *runs and trips directly into metal trashcans, to cacophonous effect*
#ANYHOO madeleine should make them matching suits. Madeline should share Claudia’s lipstick.#fellas is that gay. to blend your lipstick with someone else’s li—#iwtv#my art#ran out of meds last month and was late for pride again….alas…#claudia#claudia iwtv#madeleine#madeleine iwtv#claudeleine#interview with the vampire#iwtv season 2#maybe they don’t give Louis closure maybe they just run directly to Brazil and eat nazis. fuck if I know#I also know their thing is yellow. I just got attached to red-claudia.#edit: didn’t realize I put them in a shaft of light.#it’s just that I’ve done vamps under streetlamps for like. cool multiply layer usage. THIS MIGHTVE NOT BEEN THE TIME FOR THAT.
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me: FINALLY my body seems to be getting used to the medication! im no longer having panic attacks multiple times a day!
hurricane helene, as soon as im on my last week of meds:
#i run out on thursday and i don't have a prescription to get more 🙃#that would've been with the appointment i had. on thursday.#they i no longer have bc of the fUCKING HURRICANE#which means i will have to stop taking meds cold turkey 🙃🙃🙃#and i don't even KNOW when ill be able to take more bc they gave to reschedule my appointment#but there's no one at the office rn cus of. the hurricane. and im going to SCREAM.#shh ac
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Peter Vincent you are the Baddest Girl around
song is "Bad Girl" by Usher
be the change you want to see in the world. if you want more david tennant as peter vincent edits, miss an entire night of sleep making one yourself, i guess.
#god i need him as a trophy husband so fucking bad y'all have no clue#it's a wee bit messy but that's alright bc this is my first time ever making an edit and i was working with beginner tools#you know you're obsessed with a character when you break into a whole new medium just for them#i've had this edit in my brain for like a month and it feels to good to get it out of there and on my screen#bc i rediscovered this song around the same time i first watched fright night 2011 so i can't hear it without thinking of her <3#ignore how i missed an entire night of sleep making it in an adhd-med-induced hysteria.#gotta love artistic interpretation bc i can listen to this misogynistic song about getting a woman off a pimp and fully be like#''actually this is about my special little guy who sucks and i love :)''#david tennant#peter vincent#fright night#fright night 2011#anton yelchin#cw smoking#cw drinking#cw blood#fan edit#running my mouth#made this with my hands#video
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at what point am i to blame for what adhd does to me. at what point is it "adhd made it fucking physically impossible for me to focus today so i didnt do much work and hate it" versus just "i didnt do much work." am i allowed to feel shitty about it or is that just wallowing
#genuine question honestly#like. it feels like fucking shit to not have anything to show for sitting at a computer for 8+ hrs#but like thats My Fucking Fault for not doing the work#like god i tried but it just wasnt good enough#and like. what am i allowed to say about it? oh my adhd meds ran out (5 months ago) thats why it didnt work out?#but the reason i havent gotten new ones and let these ones run out is bcs of the same exact reason#i just couldnt bring myself to refill them just like i couldnt work today#so thats again my fault and it Sucks SoBad#i base a lot of my self worth on being productive and adhd makes mr feel like im not worth much when i cant do anything#UGH ANYWAY thats dramatic but. idk. bums me out i really was looking forward to working a long time today#adhd#neurodivergent#neurodiversity#actually adhd#adhd problems#adhd brain#vent#rant#adhd rant#neurodiverse stuff
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Fell back asleep for a while (still have a horrible headache btw) and I had the most disturbing dream that I'm going to tell you guys about in the tags
#so i was on a road trip with a bunch of people i dont even know and there were like 10 of us packed into a van#and they were so fucking loud and my head was hurting even in my dream so i was like CAN EVERYONE PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP#and we get to this hotel or like house place thats like a hotel#amd we go inside and i go check the fridge and there was a thick lemonade snoothie looking drink in this clear pitcher in the fridge#and i pulled it out and look inside and there was a live fucking lizard in there all covered in the smoothie stuff trying to escape#and i was like damn i should let that outside in a minute#but i went to looks for meds first bc like i said my head was hurting even in my dream#and when i come back the pitcher is empty (no lizard no smoothie stuff)#and i was like ...... did someone drink this??#and this guy was like nah that was cake batter i put in the oven#and i was like YOU FUCKING PUT IT WHERE????#so i get this sheet pan out of the oven and there is a half baked cake and in the middle was the lizard all charred and dead looking#and i was like fuck dude you killed it#but then#BUT THEN#the fucking lizard gets up and jumped out of the cake batter and starts speed running around the place like up on the walls and ceiling#and it seemed pissed as hell#like rightfully so bc someone tried to bake it into a cake but still#so i was running around trying to stay away from it bc i got the impression that it would bite whoever it got close to#and then i woke up and for a second it felt like something was crawling on me#and i had a small/brief panic as i checked the bed for any lizards (there was nothing there)#and now im awake and my head hurts even worse and my throat hurts and my body hurts and its very possible that im sick
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FUCK DOCTORS
#istfg#and again i’m basically frozen out by doctors who don’t want to deal with me and don’t care that i haven’t had my meds all fucking year#or that i literally have been looking for a new doctor for a YEAR and there is NO ONE!#like i’m not being lazy ffs! i’m desperate bc i keep getting turned down left and right and im running out of options#not kuro
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I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like I’m trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know it’s on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but I’m trying) and it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t even know.
#please know i have thought about hospital but hospital would#genuinely make it worse (like I cannot even tell you how much worse)#i think I’m legitimately just…having a trauma reaction on top#of a jewish trauma spike#and dentists and having to move (I may have cleaned till I shook today also my arm#does not look great#i feel like i don’t actually verbally have the words#(i have tried not engaging i have tried engaging they both feel awful)#(hashem i don’t know would you even embrace me would you…)#(it’s not a meds thing (I take meds for mdd and I know what that looks like and this isn’t it)#(it’s hard to explain the difference between CPTSD and like a panic attack or a depression)#(except that I feel like I’m so so tainted and not in my body or if I’m in my body I’m in my body somewhere else#abuse cw#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered#this will disappear probably#UGH#(i am seeing my therapist tomorrow i just..i know i need to reach out to)#(to like my current landlords and ask if I could just pay for a cleaning service to come in)#(i know i need to be like ‘unfortunately my CPTSD is Fucking Terrible Right Now and I need)#(just a bit of grace apologies)#(i do not want my parents to know i do not want that)#(aside from the fact that I am already a burden to them anyway)#a stupid flop of a person i am crying thinking about how i had plans for kids and a wife and travel and…I’m nothing#(everyone else is something I’m not I don’t deserve grace lbr)#it keeps running through my head how many people i thought loved me want me dead#and it’s like I can fake it so well#(i don’t know I may be like sending words to people)#to run through the steps of not being alone#i’m truly sorry i am always not taking accountability and playing the victim and clinging to people#to get reassurance i don’t deserve that its a good person it isn’t it isn’t a person
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Thats fucking it I'm getting a portable lock for my door. My mom has once again threatened to throw out something I bought with my own money and refuses to pay me back for something she already threw out without any warning.
#wrenfea.vent#unfortunately it wont work when im not at home#maybe i should get a safe as well#but idk what she'll throw out next bc she doesn't fucking warn me#fuck the stress is making me flare and i have been rationing my pain meds again due to necessity#i hate it here i fucking hate it here#i want to run away and never come back to this fucking house
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wow. not even a week into college and i'm already behind on work. fucking lovely.
#friday chats#friday vs post-secondary school#tw vent#(in the following tags)#i am immeasurably stressed right now#i need to talk to my doctor about getting a booster to go along w/my adhd meds#bc this has been a problem for a while but i think it's about to come to a head#and i'm very scared for when that happens#maybe also talk to my school's disability services#bc Good Fucking God i'm already overwhelmed#it's 11:56. should i just go to bed? i have so many things left to do#when do i even have the time to go to disability services. and i've heard a lot of schools' processes w/that are slow and overcomplicated#fuck. fuck fuck fuckity fuck.#i think i'm spiraling#i'm worried that if i don't get a degree i won't be able to find a nice enough job to support myself independent of my family#and i don't want to be stuck with them forever#i really really don't#maybe i can talk to disability services sometime tomorrow morning. see what they can do#i think there's mental health services too. i hope they're decent#i just feel really bad right now. and it's only week one.#it feels like time's moving too fast but too slow at the same time#classes take forever but my free time zips by and runs out way too quick#and when it's gone i've completed maybe one or two things. out of several. if any at all.#i just don't know what to do. it's only been three days.#maybe i can drop a class; i think i'm taking enough to still be considered a full-time student with one less thing on my plate#i hope so#fucking damn it#how do people do this??? for multiple years????#and i feel selfish for saying this but i hope if y'all see this post you'll interact with it somehow. even just a like.#i want to know someone hears me
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Today was just me going out of my way to feel better, make phone calls, get my refills, taking long walks, browsing a mall I like
Nothing worked.
#the only difference between me now and me before meds is that i actually do things sometimes#running out of fucks to give about people who care about if i die tbh#but i wanna see how gnshn goes. so#ales of alex
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Ok so...! Call done!
I am getting a new medication!! (thank fucking hell)
So this may lead to me getting my ass knocked out again of course... but since the last one was a bust I'd be fucked either way you know? Might as well aim for the chance of improvement instead! Doctor was completely on-board with changing what I took.
She also praised me for reading up on the medications and how it could take trying several different ones to find a match.
She was also super chill with fixing the error in my medical journal. No problems. Was a misunderstanding on her part. She was also very nice about the whole thing with my pronouns in the journal. And I have to give her praise for noticing my (... what should I call it... people pleasing tendencies perhaps?) ,where I try to go with the softer option to make it easier for others? Cause she said using "hen" (swedish gender neutral pronoun) would perhaps cause less issues with people writing the wrong pronoun in the journal later. She noticed I was doing this and was like "But I can hear on you that you'd like to it to be he" , which i admitted was correct. So she added some general observation thingy to my journal that it should be he. Made no big deal about it either.
I will say... I am liking this doctor. She's so nice to me? I feel like she isn't at all like a lot of doctors I've had where they acted like their word is basically law and how dare you even suggest they may have misunderstood you or that they may be wrong about something? Like she seems completely open to discussion of the meds and any issues I may have. She's very kind about everything and just seems to actually listen to me? Very reassuring too. And since she caught the thing I was doing, observant. (in a very good way!)
God I do hope this is a doctor I can keep and that it keeps rolling along this smoothly... cause it's fucking wild to me to have a doctor actually treat me like a person. May it just keep going this well, please!
But yeah, all in all it seems to me like it was a good call and I'm super happy to be off these pills AT ONCE after the call 💖 HELL YEAH FUCK THE MEDS!!!!
#and hey the faster i switch off them the less a risk it is a problem during birthday and Christmas right??#gives me more time to get used to them!#and like i said... staying on them or switching doesn't really matter even if i get issues cause like...#it couldn't continue the way it was anyway. even with new meds side effects knock out... it'd be bad either way you know?#at least this way we may find something that ACTUALLY WORKS for me. which in the long run is much more important!#I can't even begin to describe to you all how happy i feel to be off these fuckers! I'M FREEEEEEEE!!!!!#may the new pills be a homerun...PLEASE!!!#apparently the new meds are generally seen as less prone to causing bad side effects. and are usually the first thing they give you.#why wasn't it for me? fuck if i know. doctor at the psychiatric emergency place was a morron? best bet i got. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#he did seem a bit clueless tbh. considering he wanted to fix my mental state first then we could care about gender stuff...#LIKE THE GENDER STUFF ISN'T SUPER LINKED TO MENTAL STATE?! 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️#oh well... things looking up right now at least 💖💖💖 bye bye shitty meds!#ryder speaking
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what if it wasnt so hard. imagine if it was easier
#toy txt post#i need......therapy i need to figure out this insurance situation i need to do a gargantuan amount of laundry now#i need to clean my room and try to do....Something about the ants i need to put Away the gargantuan amount of laundry#i need to clean the fish tanks and fertilize them again and mist the plants and scoop catpans and eat more and brush my teeth better#and its not that much but its so overwhelming and too much and i got nothin left in the fuckin tank chief im on empty and its not#refilling#its not Even that hard and Yet? it is. its so hard. the caffeine + adhd meds is Not Working Anymore#also Fuck i better Figure It Out Soon before i run out of adhd meds and cant get more cos im uninsured i fucking guess????#what if it wasnt so hard and also what if everything was a lot less pointlessly fucking stupid
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I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?
#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like.#what? am I missing something here?#my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day#but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both#gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a#bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of#being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even#with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like#go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m#afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make#this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s#so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room#and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until#my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and#that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad#anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know.#honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down
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