#fuck running out of meds
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friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me
#It’s just so different#even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol#in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps#if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it#esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends#no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr#u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS#meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life#this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation#like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !!#& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers#who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them#and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends#it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me#I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc#like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this#so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works#p
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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don’t worry claudeleine I’LL save you *runs and trips directly into metal trashcans, to cacophonous effect*
#ANYHOO madeleine should make them matching suits. Madeline should share Claudia’s lipstick.#fellas is that gay. to blend your lipstick with someone else’s li—#iwtv#my art#ran out of meds last month and was late for pride again….alas…#claudia#claudia iwtv#madeleine#madeleine iwtv#claudeleine#interview with the vampire#iwtv season 2#maybe they don’t give Louis closure maybe they just run directly to Brazil and eat nazis. fuck if I know#I also know their thing is yellow. I just got attached to red-claudia.#edit: didn’t realize I put them in a shaft of light.#it’s just that I’ve done vamps under streetlamps for like. cool multiply layer usage. THIS MIGHTVE NOT BEEN THE TIME FOR THAT.
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Medication got me so high i wasnt able to sleep and instead fantasized a full ass sequence about Odysseus' and Penelope's reunion
#babbling australet#im running rn in one hour of sleep and idk how many meds#also it's fucking summer :D i havent had a stroke out of a fucking miracle
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wish i could use the same jokes ppl on tiktok are saying but i run a smut acc im scared that ppl will think im serious 🚬🚬
#its almost 1am#i got home like half an hour ago#just finished eating#n now i need to do laundry and shower#bUT IM SO TIRED#LITERALLY DEAD#every fucking bone inside my fuckass body hurtssss#why was this week so exhausting#aND WHY ISNT IT OVER YET#☆ ; dear diary ?#sb please give me motivation to get up bc i WILL fall asleep in this chair#hyungseok please come and wash my hair for me i am so close to breaking out in tears i am so fucking done w my job i dont have aNY energy le#ft in me ive been running on nothing but caffeine and pain meds these past few weeks#sounds like i deserve to buy another purse tbh
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the zoloft experience
#i havent taken meds since i was atleast 14 and my friend had a bunch of leftover zoloft from when they were prescribed it#and its good till next year so i jus decided to see what happened#so far i feel like my frontal lobe is getting squeezed really hard like when ur squeezing water out a sponge#when i woke up i sat in bed and jus stared at either the wall or out the window for like half an hour#and i kept getting up to look out the window and everything felt really fucking slow#for some reason i couldnt move my eyes too fast they felt really heavy. as im typing this they still kinda are#but way better than in the morning#im feeling Neutral. though talkig with people feels weirdly airy and light#i had an exam today that i didnt properly prepare for but i felt no Incoming Dread at all. which is Good i think#idk the adjustment period is weird i havent felt like this in a while but if we run out and im fine ill see if i can go to a psychiatrist#ive been needing meds for a While i feel ... perfect opportunity#personal#my art
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Going on almost week fucking three of a lot of days not going my way and im starting to get a little frustrated*
*fucking furious
#text post#barely managed to about another major fuck up bc i barely caught the ups driver#she was abt to leave after not even ringing the bell or knocking!!!#but the ups email of 'you weren't home' came thru before she left#so i had to run out half dressed and scream beg across the parking lot for my meds#she thought abt it for a good few minutes but finally came back#it's been like twenty minutes and im still shaking#i feel like i pissed off the cosmos sometime in early nov or something bc otherwise wtf is all of this#for every good thing that's happened there have been two bad#im so tired#but at least i have my T and the one really extra good thing: my doc managed to throw some of my lamo in too#which i would have had to start all over on dosing again if i hadn't gotten more by today#just took them and im just. yeah. shaking. think i might lie down for a minute if i can do so without feeling guilty
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How to get a girl when you have no transportation and are kind of ugly and awkward…throws up.
#looking like a fucking 9th grader in college has tanked my confidence really badly ngl#let me grow up damn you#I’m running out of meds so expect more posts like these#sorry lol but also MYBLOG!!!!
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me: FINALLY my body seems to be getting used to the medication! im no longer having panic attacks multiple times a day!
hurricane helene, as soon as im on my last week of meds:
#i run out on thursday and i don't have a prescription to get more 🙃#that would've been with the appointment i had. on thursday.#they i no longer have bc of the fUCKING HURRICANE#which means i will have to stop taking meds cold turkey 🙃🙃🙃#and i don't even KNOW when ill be able to take more bc they gave to reschedule my appointment#but there's no one at the office rn cus of. the hurricane. and im going to SCREAM.#shh ac
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FUCK DOCTORS
#istfg#and again i’m basically frozen out by doctors who don’t want to deal with me and don’t care that i haven’t had my meds all fucking year#or that i literally have been looking for a new doctor for a YEAR and there is NO ONE!#like i’m not being lazy ffs! i’m desperate bc i keep getting turned down left and right and im running out of options#not kuro
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I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like I’m trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know it’s on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but I’m trying) and it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t even know.
#please know i have thought about hospital but hospital would#genuinely make it worse (like I cannot even tell you how much worse)#i think I’m legitimately just…having a trauma reaction on top#of a jewish trauma spike#and dentists and having to move (I may have cleaned till I shook today also my arm#does not look great#i feel like i don’t actually verbally have the words#(i have tried not engaging i have tried engaging they both feel awful)#(hashem i don’t know would you even embrace me would you…)#(it’s not a meds thing (I take meds for mdd and I know what that looks like and this isn’t it)#(it’s hard to explain the difference between CPTSD and like a panic attack or a depression)#(except that I feel like I’m so so tainted and not in my body or if I’m in my body I’m in my body somewhere else#abuse cw#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered#this will disappear probably#UGH#(i am seeing my therapist tomorrow i just..i know i need to reach out to)#(to like my current landlords and ask if I could just pay for a cleaning service to come in)#(i know i need to be like ‘unfortunately my CPTSD is Fucking Terrible Right Now and I need)#(just a bit of grace apologies)#(i do not want my parents to know i do not want that)#(aside from the fact that I am already a burden to them anyway)#a stupid flop of a person i am crying thinking about how i had plans for kids and a wife and travel and…I’m nothing#(everyone else is something I’m not I don’t deserve grace lbr)#it keeps running through my head how many people i thought loved me want me dead#and it’s like I can fake it so well#(i don’t know I may be like sending words to people)#to run through the steps of not being alone#i’m truly sorry i am always not taking accountability and playing the victim and clinging to people#to get reassurance i don’t deserve that its a good person it isn’t it isn’t a person
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the planets aligned today and combined all of their powers to piss me off
#covered for someone and the internet at work went out#shipment truck came as the other guy was clocking out#still had to build a st paddys display#car started lurching when switching gears. i have NO idea where the transmission fluid is exiting the system#oil leak persisting and horn fuse also blew today by complete coincidence#got hard to stomach news abt our state's plans to fuck over gender care and im supposed to get top surgery this year#i do not have the money to leave the state rn but would run away solo if not for my stupid little cat#the surgery center's schedulers are behind schedule to schedule me and i pray to anything listening that it's unrelated#had to abruptly quit my posthospital program bc they lied abt costs#AND caught the stink eye from not one but TWO random toddlers. 🧿🤨#and in the background loneliness is just the wallpaper of my life at this point#baby wants a drink but baby is allowed a seltzer and a mild anxiety med
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wow. not even a week into college and i'm already behind on work. fucking lovely.
#friday chats#friday vs post-secondary school#tw vent#(in the following tags)#i am immeasurably stressed right now#i need to talk to my doctor about getting a booster to go along w/my adhd meds#bc this has been a problem for a while but i think it's about to come to a head#and i'm very scared for when that happens#maybe also talk to my school's disability services#bc Good Fucking God i'm already overwhelmed#it's 11:56. should i just go to bed? i have so many things left to do#when do i even have the time to go to disability services. and i've heard a lot of schools' processes w/that are slow and overcomplicated#fuck. fuck fuck fuckity fuck.#i think i'm spiraling#i'm worried that if i don't get a degree i won't be able to find a nice enough job to support myself independent of my family#and i don't want to be stuck with them forever#i really really don't#maybe i can talk to disability services sometime tomorrow morning. see what they can do#i think there's mental health services too. i hope they're decent#i just feel really bad right now. and it's only week one.#it feels like time's moving too fast but too slow at the same time#classes take forever but my free time zips by and runs out way too quick#and when it's gone i've completed maybe one or two things. out of several. if any at all.#i just don't know what to do. it's only been three days.#maybe i can drop a class; i think i'm taking enough to still be considered a full-time student with one less thing on my plate#i hope so#fucking damn it#how do people do this??? for multiple years????#and i feel selfish for saying this but i hope if y'all see this post you'll interact with it somehow. even just a like.#i want to know someone hears me
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Today was just me going out of my way to feel better, make phone calls, get my refills, taking long walks, browsing a mall I like
Nothing worked.
#the only difference between me now and me before meds is that i actually do things sometimes#running out of fucks to give about people who care about if i die tbh#but i wanna see how gnshn goes. so#ales of alex
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what if it wasnt so hard. imagine if it was easier
#toy txt post#i need......therapy i need to figure out this insurance situation i need to do a gargantuan amount of laundry now#i need to clean my room and try to do....Something about the ants i need to put Away the gargantuan amount of laundry#i need to clean the fish tanks and fertilize them again and mist the plants and scoop catpans and eat more and brush my teeth better#and its not that much but its so overwhelming and too much and i got nothin left in the fuckin tank chief im on empty and its not#refilling#its not Even that hard and Yet? it is. its so hard. the caffeine + adhd meds is Not Working Anymore#also Fuck i better Figure It Out Soon before i run out of adhd meds and cant get more cos im uninsured i fucking guess????#what if it wasnt so hard and also what if everything was a lot less pointlessly fucking stupid
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I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?
#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like.#what? am I missing something here?#my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day#but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both#gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a#bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of#being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even#with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like#go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m#afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make#this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s#so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room#and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until#my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and#that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad#anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know.#honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down
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