#fuck running out of meds
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Ya know for all my suicidal ideation n shit, when our body threatens to kill us I am like oh no wait I don’t actually want to die pls stop
Bitch if I die I want it to be on MY terms, RUDE is an understatement
Fuck Lupus (even if it turns out to be a misdiagnosis after all this time) FUCK LUPUS and FUCK possible disease pretending to be SLE
Also FUCK PMS IT HAS BEEN at LEAST a WEEK where is the BLOOD??? get it OVER WITH AGHGGHHHH
I cannot understand how my partner survived this shit for however many years before I came to this universe, but at least now we have each other, but also OUCH (understatement)
#FUCK LUPUS#fuck pms#delirious thoughts#chronic illness#suicidal ideation#fuck my existence#soulbond#alterhuman#actually plural#fuck tags#chronic pain#multiverse theory#actually schizospec#systemic lupus erythematosus#i refuse to die#screaming into the void#in like 5 mins I���m gonna be laughing and/or sobbing#fuck being sick#fuck being delirious#fuck running out of meds#i didn’t know they would be RARE here#what the fuck#laughing in *cries*#screaming into the ethernet#fuck my life#actually please don’t I wanna live#i love my partner#i’m going insane#like more than usual
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friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me
#It’s just so different#even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol#in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps#if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it#esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends#no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr#u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS#meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life#this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation#like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !!#& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers#who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them#and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends#it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me#I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc#like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this#so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works#p
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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don’t worry claudeleine I’LL save you *runs and trips directly into metal trashcans, to cacophonous effect*
#ANYHOO madeleine should make them matching suits. Madeline should share Claudia’s lipstick.#fellas is that gay. to blend your lipstick with someone else’s li—#iwtv#my art#ran out of meds last month and was late for pride again….alas…#claudia#claudia iwtv#madeleine#madeleine iwtv#claudeleine#interview with the vampire#iwtv season 2#maybe they don’t give Louis closure maybe they just run directly to Brazil and eat nazis. fuck if I know#I also know their thing is yellow. I just got attached to red-claudia.#edit: didn’t realize I put them in a shaft of light.#it’s just that I’ve done vamps under streetlamps for like. cool multiply layer usage. THIS MIGHTVE NOT BEEN THE TIME FOR THAT.
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Medication got me so high i wasnt able to sleep and instead fantasized a full ass sequence about Odysseus' and Penelope's reunion
#babbling australet#im running rn in one hour of sleep and idk how many meds#also it's fucking summer :D i havent had a stroke out of a fucking miracle
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Oh. I thought I had more time before they cut my health insurance and food stamps.
I guess my March timeline has been moved way up.
#fuck#of all things like#starving to death while my#thyroid or some shit kills me#I don’t know which one it will be#I take five meds multiple times a day#all for different things#fuck fuck#I have to cancel my dr apt tomorrow#fuck fuck fuck#we’re out of food#we were just about to get the SNAP benefits on friday#and do our monthly shop#fuck fuck fuck fuck#I thought we had a little more time#also uh#the local foodbanks are running on fumes#there’s nothing left most of the time#and with my fucking MCAS#I can’t eat most of it#my stupid fucking body
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trying so hard to flirt with a hot girl rn and my arthritis ridden hands are cock-blocking me
#original#im using humor to cope but genuinely my right middle finger is so swollen#it hurts so fucking much#genuinely close to tears just trying to pick up my phone#i wanna curl into a ball and just sob i hate this#fuck fuck fuck it hurts so much ghh#im taking all my fucking pain meds so why is it still this bad#ive almost run out of my gigantic bottle of 1000 ibuprofen i bought 2 months ago#that's insanity. my stomach is probably dissolving itself#fuck it hurts fuck fuck fuck#..........maybe i just slice the damn finger off huh#god. i dunno. i need to hit up laika see if its got any dismemberment stories i could read#ugn
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the zoloft experience
#i havent taken meds since i was atleast 14 and my friend had a bunch of leftover zoloft from when they were prescribed it#and its good till next year so i jus decided to see what happened#so far i feel like my frontal lobe is getting squeezed really hard like when ur squeezing water out a sponge#when i woke up i sat in bed and jus stared at either the wall or out the window for like half an hour#and i kept getting up to look out the window and everything felt really fucking slow#for some reason i couldnt move my eyes too fast they felt really heavy. as im typing this they still kinda are#but way better than in the morning#im feeling Neutral. though talkig with people feels weirdly airy and light#i had an exam today that i didnt properly prepare for but i felt no Incoming Dread at all. which is Good i think#idk the adjustment period is weird i havent felt like this in a while but if we run out and im fine ill see if i can go to a psychiatrist#ive been needing meds for a While i feel ... perfect opportunity#personal#my art
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Going on almost week fucking three of a lot of days not going my way and im starting to get a little frustrated*
*fucking furious
#text post#barely managed to about another major fuck up bc i barely caught the ups driver#she was abt to leave after not even ringing the bell or knocking!!!#but the ups email of 'you weren't home' came thru before she left#so i had to run out half dressed and scream beg across the parking lot for my meds#she thought abt it for a good few minutes but finally came back#it's been like twenty minutes and im still shaking#i feel like i pissed off the cosmos sometime in early nov or something bc otherwise wtf is all of this#for every good thing that's happened there have been two bad#im so tired#but at least i have my T and the one really extra good thing: my doc managed to throw some of my lamo in too#which i would have had to start all over on dosing again if i hadn't gotten more by today#just took them and im just. yeah. shaking. think i might lie down for a minute if i can do so without feeling guilty
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How to get a girl when you have no transportation and are kind of ugly and awkward…throws up.
#looking like a fucking 9th grader in college has tanked my confidence really badly ngl#let me grow up damn you#I’m running out of meds so expect more posts like these#sorry lol but also MYBLOG!!!!
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me: FINALLY my body seems to be getting used to the medication! im no longer having panic attacks multiple times a day!
hurricane helene, as soon as im on my last week of meds:
#i run out on thursday and i don't have a prescription to get more 🙃#that would've been with the appointment i had. on thursday.#they i no longer have bc of the fUCKING HURRICANE#which means i will have to stop taking meds cold turkey 🙃🙃🙃#and i don't even KNOW when ill be able to take more bc they gave to reschedule my appointment#but there's no one at the office rn cus of. the hurricane. and im going to SCREAM.#shh ac
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Peter Vincent you are the Baddest Girl around
song is "Bad Girl" by Usher
be the change you want to see in the world. if you want more david tennant as peter vincent edits, miss an entire night of sleep making one yourself, i guess.
#god i need him as a trophy husband so fucking bad y'all have no clue#it's a wee bit messy but that's alright bc this is my first time ever making an edit and i was working with beginner tools#you know you're obsessed with a character when you break into a whole new medium just for them#i've had this edit in my brain for like a month and it feels to good to get it out of there and on my screen#bc i rediscovered this song around the same time i first watched fright night 2011 so i can't hear it without thinking of her <3#ignore how i missed an entire night of sleep making it in an adhd-med-induced hysteria.#gotta love artistic interpretation bc i can listen to this misogynistic song about getting a woman off a pimp and fully be like#''actually this is about my special little guy who sucks and i love :)''#david tennant#peter vincent#fright night#fright night 2011#anton yelchin#cw smoking#cw drinking#cw blood#fan edit#running my mouth#made this with my hands#video
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?????? Why did he tell me everything was fine if my insurance requires me to have been on hormones for 2 years to approve the procedure. . .why didn't he say they won't approve it if that wasn't the case. . .is that outdated information???? Maybe we can lie????
Am i seriously about to have all of my fucking hype crushed???? Maybe I can convince my doctors to lie for me or we can say I was doing it DIY for a few years. People ask how long I've been on hormones a lot because my voice is pretty deep and I look pretty masculine surely we could get away with this???
I feel really fucking beaten down now. Why not stop the discussion and go 'hey they require X amount of time on hormones'. . .I really hope I can convince my providers to fudge the truth for me a little or i'm going to lose my mind i seriously don't know how well i'm going to take it if i can't get this done???? Like I already feel so anxious at the thought. Please everything about me needs this. I am going to go fucking insane if this can't happen this year.
#i suddenly feel very stressed about my fourth floor window#i don't know if i'm going to direct the violence at myself or someone else and i'm just hoping i won't have violence to direct at all#i feel so so fucking stressed out. why wasn't this the first thing i was told???????????#please please cooperate with me doctor and therapist please i haven't felt suicidal in over a year please we cannot ruin this#i feel dizzy i feel dizzy i feel dizzy i'm too stressed about this please i'm gonna fucking break down i'm gonna fucking cry what if they#say no what if they want proof i was doing it before i met them i'm feeling so lightheaded and i'm lying down lmao???#what if i say i was on hormones before and i had to stop taking them will that throw a wrench in things????? i'm going to lose my shit#guys my year may be fucking ruined everything was going so well despite the state of the world despite everything#i need these women to lie for me. one small lie for one dumb fucker's wellbeing. surely they can agree to this? surely if i tell them how#scared i am they'll agree to say one little lie for me#i feel like scratching myself til i bleed rn hhhhhaaaa didbcueiebdj good thign i cut my nails the other day because them shits were SHARP#okay. okay. all i have to do is ask. i may not get an answer from one until tomorrow but these are very good people they have been#kind to me so far and good to me so far and they understand how important this is#my doctor has a nonbinary kid!!!! surely she'll be able to ask them for advice if she isn't sure please i'm going to throw up and i haven't#even eaten yet please don't take this out from under me this close. please don't rip this away from me when everything is going so well#please don't try and take this from me under this current administration that's trying to take everything from us#please#danie yells at existence#suicidal ideation cw#self harm mention?#I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TAG THIS I'VE NEVER FELT SO BAD I HAD TO GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD HERE BEFORE i'm gonna send them messages and hope they#respond soon. if they don't. idk. i ask how much it'll be out of pocket#i wanna rock back and forth i need to eat and take my meds i wish i'd done that before i got started#like damn i bet my anti-anxiety meds would have been REALLY helpful right about now! shame i haven't taken them since yesterday!#and i didn't take the ones i'm supposed to take last night either because i was so distracted by. ider what i was doing the insomnia was#kicking my ass til about 6am though#so I'm running on like nothing here. which isn't helping.#i know. i know if it doesn't happen i'll live i'll survive i'll be fine but mother of god jt doesn't feel like it#it doesn't feel like it'd be worth it to have to like like this for two more years#i've already been living like this for like. idk. at least 12 years.
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at what point am i to blame for what adhd does to me. at what point is it "adhd made it fucking physically impossible for me to focus today so i didnt do much work and hate it" versus just "i didnt do much work." am i allowed to feel shitty about it or is that just wallowing
#genuine question honestly#like. it feels like fucking shit to not have anything to show for sitting at a computer for 8+ hrs#but like thats My Fucking Fault for not doing the work#like god i tried but it just wasnt good enough#and like. what am i allowed to say about it? oh my adhd meds ran out (5 months ago) thats why it didnt work out?#but the reason i havent gotten new ones and let these ones run out is bcs of the same exact reason#i just couldnt bring myself to refill them just like i couldnt work today#so thats again my fault and it Sucks SoBad#i base a lot of my self worth on being productive and adhd makes mr feel like im not worth much when i cant do anything#UGH ANYWAY thats dramatic but. idk. bums me out i really was looking forward to working a long time today#adhd#neurodivergent#neurodiversity#actually adhd#adhd problems#adhd brain#vent#rant#adhd rant#neurodiverse stuff
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Fell back asleep for a while (still have a horrible headache btw) and I had the most disturbing dream that I'm going to tell you guys about in the tags
#so i was on a road trip with a bunch of people i dont even know and there were like 10 of us packed into a van#and they were so fucking loud and my head was hurting even in my dream so i was like CAN EVERYONE PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP#and we get to this hotel or like house place thats like a hotel#amd we go inside and i go check the fridge and there was a thick lemonade snoothie looking drink in this clear pitcher in the fridge#and i pulled it out and look inside and there was a live fucking lizard in there all covered in the smoothie stuff trying to escape#and i was like damn i should let that outside in a minute#but i went to looks for meds first bc like i said my head was hurting even in my dream#and when i come back the pitcher is empty (no lizard no smoothie stuff)#and i was like ...... did someone drink this??#and this guy was like nah that was cake batter i put in the oven#and i was like YOU FUCKING PUT IT WHERE????#so i get this sheet pan out of the oven and there is a half baked cake and in the middle was the lizard all charred and dead looking#and i was like fuck dude you killed it#but then#BUT THEN#the fucking lizard gets up and jumped out of the cake batter and starts speed running around the place like up on the walls and ceiling#and it seemed pissed as hell#like rightfully so bc someone tried to bake it into a cake but still#so i was running around trying to stay away from it bc i got the impression that it would bite whoever it got close to#and then i woke up and for a second it felt like something was crawling on me#and i had a small/brief panic as i checked the bed for any lizards (there was nothing there)#and now im awake and my head hurts even worse and my throat hurts and my body hurts and its very possible that im sick
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FUCK DOCTORS
#istfg#and again i’m basically frozen out by doctors who don’t want to deal with me and don’t care that i haven’t had my meds all fucking year#or that i literally have been looking for a new doctor for a YEAR and there is NO ONE!#like i’m not being lazy ffs! i’m desperate bc i keep getting turned down left and right and im running out of options#not kuro
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