#fuck man do i need a gay therapist. i might need a gay therapist. this sucks.

[pegglefan69]

want to & probably should talk to my therapist about how i think the only way i can get my mind to accept that I've overcome a huge mental ordeal in my struggle to get on disability is by transposing it with a physical ordeal in the form of some kind of BDSM scene but. I do not know how to discuss this when:

1) I am coming from a place hyperaware of all the deranged fetishistic ideas people have about any transmasculine person even vaguely interested in any kind of bottoming or experimenting with masochism. That kind of dehumanization directly led to me being repeatedly sa'd so I have good reason for the level of aggression & wariness the topic triggers in me But good reason or not it makes it extremely painful to think about let alone discuss with my therapist Bcuz:

2) my therapist is a cis woman who interacts primarily with cis queer spaces & never in gay male sexual spaces where trans & cis men overlap so she has No Idea About & No Frame of Reference For the baggage I am bringing in here

3) talking about any kind of interest in masochism has to inevitably result in us discussing interest in sadism & domming, bcuz both are things I'm generally more interested in doing!! We've discussed BDSM loosely enough that I know that she knows dom ≠ top & sub ≠ bottom but I genuinely cannot gauge how she will react to any expression of like, a desire to do sadist shit. I see sooo many people all the time who are ostensibly 'kink friendly' get weird about sadism that I have been deliberately avoiding bringing up being a switch/sadomasochist/whatever. it is making our sessions about sex & dating circle the drain ! It's embarrassing!! I feel like I should just be able to vault over the discomfort & SAY THINGS even if that is an idiot's impulse.

4) If I want to talk about the kind of scenes that would be therapeutic for me right now I don't know if she'd Get It, considering when I said I wanted to try dating/fucking older men her first question was 'do you mean you want a sugar daddy' & then later '...so do you mean like, 30s?'. Like it really makes me think she's going to get the wrong idea or get weird. the amount of vulnerability it's going to take for me to even give her the chance to misunderstand me is. A lot. It makes me feel so crazy.

5) I don't know ANYBODY here in Maine so even if I could perfectly articulate my desires & their impetuses to a therapist (lol as if that should be my ultimate goal 🙄), & then find a man or men I could do these things with, by the time the trust necessary had developed it would be like. So far in the future idek if this need would ever get fulfilled. God this would be easier if I already knew a leatherman who could beat me up for a little bit if I asked nicely. Guess I just have to keep a fond hope alive for now...<- said with a bitter tone

[relaxxattack]

Now i really wanna hear your take on roses internalised homophobia, pretty please?

tw for mentions of csa and incest (NOT where i thought this post was going to go but it ended up there sorry 😭)

rose employs homophobic jokes for like, the entirety of the first few acts lmao. all of the kids do, because it’s 2009 and that’s just what was funny— but it’s entirely obvious in my opinion that she does not actually “know” her friends are gay, she literally only does it to make fun of them. aka homophobia

of course, this is a really mild form of homophobia that can also be taken purely lightheartedly. but in some of the kid’s cases (cough dave) it’s also really obvious that rose’s playful prodding sometimes actually pressed on things that are genuinely uncomfortable.

eg the page where dave complains about being tricked into getting covered in sex puppets by his older brother (a type of csa he experiences on the regular and is sometimes even filmed for porn websites — something he is only just starting to come to terms with his fear of ) and rose not only bullies him by saying that he probably likes it, but writes shakespearean poetry to him about his puppet assault.

of course, this is fucking hilarious. rose is hilarious. but the joke itself is purely rooted in the homophobic idea of “haha dave wouldn’t it be funny if you were gay”, employed while dave was continuously having his sexual boundaries eroded by an adult man— aka the worst possible time to make this joke. like, it’s a wonder dave even manages to come out as gay by the end of the comic at all, considering his experiences.

and, at the risk of making this conversation even more uncomfortable, i probably should mention that as much as nobody fucking likes it, rose did canonically have a thing for dave in the earlier acts (according to hussie). i highly doubt she actually for real thought he was gay.

aka: by all accounts rose was definitely a homophobic little comphetter at the start of homestuck. but watching her grow out of that is a beautiful thing and we should all cheer and clap for her.

my point is that rose isn’t nearly as all-knowing or based as people make her out to be. she DOESN’T know everything about dave and everyone else, she isn’t able to magically push them all in the right direction for their transitions or sexuality epiphanies. rose is just as confused as anyone! she just acts like she’s not! for fucks sake this is the girl who got tricked by doc scratch and the horrorterrors. literally world’s most obvious traps, she walked right into, smugly thinking she was too mature and above it to be affected.

rose is a child. she’s playing pretend. she doesn’t know shit about fuck about anyone else, and she has her OWN hangups about life and romance she needs to work through before she can be employed as the “therapist friend” for every other character. she might TELL people she’s “very mature for her age”, but all this does is make her a bigger target for manipulation later. because at the end of the day:

rose is thirteen years old. in 2009. she’s gonna have some issues.

[sarahowritesostucky]

📖"Temporary Custody"

Rating: Explicit

Pairing: Steve x ofc x Bucky; Steve x Bucky

Word Count: 4042

Tags: Dom/sub, bdsm au, dom Bucky, sub reader, hurt/comfort, enemies to lovers, gay sex'n'stuff, straight sex'n'stuff, Steve being a literal Golden Retriever, mental health issues, dub-con, forced submission, referenced childhood abuse and resultant mental health issues, bakery au, m/f/m, gentle domination, total power exchange

Summary: The stigma and shame of being a submissive has kept Mary unfulfilled and in the closet her whole life, until an inciting incident leads to Bucky and Steve taking her in and giving her everything she was always too afraid to ask for.

Trigger warnings: This story contains themes of eating disordered behavior, body image issues, childhood abuse, self-harm, and alcohol abuse.

Wait! I haven't read an earlier chapter of this fic! Story Masterpost

5. Jiggly Soufflé Cake

Steve

“I should be in there,” Bucky says again, making Steve roll his eyes.

They’re sitting next to each other, out in the waiting room at the Center. It’s been over an hour, but Steve remembers how the intake worker had told them that Mary’s evaluation wouldn’t be short. Already, he’s read through half the crappy magazine selection. He lets the edge of an outdated issue of Dominant Monthly flop down to his lap. “Babe …”

“It’s taking too long. What if they’re harassing her or—”

“You know that’s not true. The people here are good. You’re just trying to control everything,” he reminds Bucky.

“If I was in there I could—”

“Get in the way. She needs to feel like she can express herself.”

“What if she’s not honest? What if Linda’s not asking her the right—”

“Buck, stop,” Steve says, injecting some command into his voice. Bucky might be the Dom, but Steve can put his foot down with his husband when needed. “The therapist knows what she’s doing. All the people here do. This is what they do.”

They’re at the Center for Designated Peoples, the place where people like Bucky go for … well, anything related to their dominance or submission needs. That’s all Steve really knows. He knows that Bucky has been in and out of CDPs since he was a kid. “It took almost a week to get her this appointment, alright? You want to mess that up?”

Bucky grumbles. “No.”

“Good. Cause they don’t need you in there, interfering in her assessment. So sit tight.”

Bucky shuts up after that, satisfying Steve that he’s made his point.

“Well, what do you think?” Bucky eventually says, when another ten minutes have passed and the door to the therapist’s office is still closed. “Of her?”

Steve glances over. “You mean in general?”

“Sure. Whatever.”

Steve can tell when Bucky’s being defensive. “You like her,” he says. “And not just cause of her lemon tarts.” He’d seen him looking at weighted blankets on Amazon, yesterday. “Admit it,” he prods, nudging Bucky’s shoe with his. “You can tell me how you feel. Why d’you need me to qualify it for you, first?

“Because I’m married to you, not her,” Bucky snaps. “Jesus, Rogers. Never met a man with less self-preservation instincts than you.”

“Mmhm. Aand?”

“... Okay I’m drawn to her,” Bucky says. “But I can’t tell how much of that is instinct and how much is normal people stuff.”

“‘Normal people stuff’,” Steve echoes, amused.

“I want to know what you think of her.” Bucky kicks his shoe back. “Tell me.”

“I like her too,” Steve concedes. “It’s not just you.” He can see as Bucky’s shoulders relaxing a little bit, knows that his opinion matters to his husband. “She’s different. Plain, but …” Steve searches for the right word. ‘Cute’ doesn’t seem right. She’s too prickly for that and too old besides. She’s a woman, not a girl, and he’s not just trying to describe her physical appearance. “I don’t know,” he says. “Editorial?”

“Editorial?” Bucky scowls. “What the fuck does that mean?”

“I dunno, just, not off the rack. Different.” Bucky snatches the magazine out of his lap and chucks it back to the coffee table. Steve rolls his eyes. “Wish she wasn’t so defensive, though. And I wish we could’ve met her … you know, like on a date or at the gym or something.”

Bucky snorts. “Yeah.”

“She grows on you,” Steve decides. Like an angry, stray cat. That’s dirty and scraggy a little.

“She’s pretty,” Bucky offers, but the words fall flat. They can both see that she’s attractive, that isn’t news. Bucky and Steve are attractive people themselves. They aren’t hurting for opportunities to be with attractive women (or men), if they want to. And it’s been a while since they invited another person into their bed. But …

“I haven’t been with a woman since my twenties,” Steve mumbles, thinking about it. He glances at Bucky. “You have.”

They both know Bucky was dating women casually when he met Steve, years ago. “Yeah,” he says simply.

“You ever miss ‘em? Women?” Steve kind of does sometimes. He likes how soft they are; the contrast. It had taken him a couple of dates and a few glasses of wine, back when they’d first gotten together, to admit to Bucky that he was bi. Steve had told him that, and then Bucky had disclosed his designation status. “We used to talk about the whole poly thing a lot more.”

“Hm, yeah I guess.” Bucky shrugs and reaches to take his hand. Steve gives it a squeeze. “I dunno babe. Kind of hard to think about anybody else when I’ve got you around.” He gives him a lecherous look that makes Steve glad they’re the only ones in the waiting room. “Your hot body’s been enough to keep my attention.” His eyes drag up and down Steve, mentally undressing him.

Steve feels heat creep up his neck and he chuckles, pushing Bucky’s hand away. “Stoppit. Jerk. I’m a person.”

“Punk,” Buck smirks. “You like it.”

“Shuddup. Not here. God, you’re such a creep.” They’re both grinning—probably like complete, horny letches—when the door to the therapist’s office opens.

The professionally dressed woman offers them a friendly smile. “Bucky, Steve.”

“Hey Linda,” Bucky greets.

“How’d it go, Doctor?” Steve asks, not on as informal terms with the CDP staff as his husband is. “Is she …”

“Mary is fine. Would you like to come in and talk with us?”

Bucky is immediately standing from his chair. “Yep.”

Steve has to refrain from rolling his eyes. He grabs Bucky’s wrist. “Hang on now, Buck. Maybe she doesn’t want us in there. We should try and give her choices where we can.”

Doctor Linda surprises him by saying, “Actually, Mary says she’s fine with discussing this all together.”

Bucky shoots him a smug look and tugs his wrist back. “See?”

This time Steve does roll his eyes, but he nods at Linda and gets up to follow her back into the office.

Bucky

Bucky can recall very clearly the first time he’d been told he had a mental illness. He’d been ten, had been sent to the school shrink for misbehavior. He remembers how his mom had come in, harried about being called off from work when her kid wasn’t even sick. Bucky had felt bad about that, had felt like he’d done something wrong (well, he had scrubbed Trixie Wallace’s face into a mud puddle at recess).

But still, even at ten years old he’d been smart enough to know that this meeting with his mom and the counselor was more serious than another simple admonition or in-school suspension.

Long story short, His mom wound up reacting with something like embarrassment, and Bucky had wound up internalizing that for a long time, feeling like his “condition” was something to be kept private and not discussed.

Now, he sits in Linda’s office and makes sure to exude an air of calm and acceptance. He doesn’t want Mary to be embarrassed about this like he was. It helps that times have changed a bit since Bucky was a kid, and he knows this particular Center very well. They do good work with the designated community. Bucky knows that no one here is going to announce to Mary that she’s a deviant.

Mary’s sitting in her own chair, separate from where Bucky and Steve share the couch. Even though Bucky’s instinct is to tell her to come sit with them, he holds back. He knows that the seating arrangement is likely purposeful on Linda’s part. He tries to remember Steve’s words about giving Mary choices where they can. Domination may be what she needs, but too much of a good thing, administered too fast, can still be harmful.

“High needs,” Steve is saying, echoing what Linda’s just told them. “... So, she’s like Bucky, but submissive?”

“Yes,” Linda confirms. “We did the assessment twice, and both times Mary tested at the far end of the spectrum.”

“Fantastic,” Mary mutters.

“We’ve been discussing what this might mean for her care plan, going forward. Mary has several other issues that I believe tie into her unfulfilled needs as a submissive.”

“I don’t understand how it went undiagnosed for so long,” Bucky says, feeling vaguely upset about it. “Doc?”

She shrugs. “Mary’s from a part of the country where mental health awareness isn’t so advanced. They didn’t test in the public school system where she grew up.” Mary makes a quiet noise of discontent and Linda adds, “So we’ve been talking about the physiology of it, the role of neurotransmitters and how important it is for her to be dropped regularly. And we’ve discussed what that might look like, different options she has.”

“Options?”

Here, Linda hesitates. “Well … Mary has expressed an interest in taking advantage of the Center’s social programs.”

“No,” Bucky says right away. “Absolutely not.”

“She said you do it,” Mary counters, and when Bucky looks over he finds her glaring at him. “Apparently, I don’t need you after all. I can just come here and hook up with any old body.”

“I’m your legal guardian right now,” Bucky reminds her. “And the clubs are for people who know what they’re doing. It’s too unstructured for you. You need more stability than that.”

Mary scoffs and crosses her arms, but Dr. Linda is already nodding in agreement. “I think Bucky’s right, Mary,” she says gently. “A reliable, dominant partner and regular drops in a safe space are what you need right now.”

“Why can’t you just write me a prescription or something?” Mary complains. “You said it was a brain chemistry thing, so why not?”

Linda looks uncomfortable as she explains, “Medication is usually only considered as a last ditch treatment option … and with your substance use disorder and other issues I'd rather not —”

“I am not an alcoholic!”

“No meds,” Bucky says, hating that idea. “Come on, Mary. You don’t want to be drugged up, do you?”

She glares at him. “You just want to control me.”

He fights very, very hard not to roll his eyes. “Yeah,” he quips. “That’s kind of the whole point.”

Mary groans and slumps back into the cushions of her chair, looking put out. “This sucks.”

“It’s manageable,” Linda reminds gently.

"I don't want to be this way," she mumbles. "'High needs'. It's embarrassing."

“It's no different than needing air, or food or sleep,” Steve supplies. “You guys just have this extra thing.”

Mary makes a face, probably at being lumped into the ‘you guys’ category with Bucky. “So, what’s the plan then?” she asks mulishly, crossing her arms. “We go back to your place and you break out the whips and chains?”

Bucky barks out a laugh before he can stop himself. “Oh, honey. I promise there aren’t any chains.” He winks at her. “I prefer leather.”

Mary

After the therapist, it gets a little easier to be around Steve and Bucky. Mary’s still quick to anger, thinking about the situation that she's managed to get herself into, but there are some ameliorating factors to the situation.

Having an official diagnosis—no matter how much she doesn’t want this diagnosis—is at least a starting point. Mary doesn’t have to keep exhausting herself, arguing with Bucky that she’s not a sub. She is. That’s that.

And when he takes it upon himself to speak with Mary’s boss about her situation (effectively getting him to unfire her for the multiple days of work she’s missed) some more of Mary’s contempt for Bucky slips away.

“Thank you,” she says quietly once they leave the café, her next shift already scheduled for that upcoming Monday. “ I … this job, it means a lot to me.”

“I know.” Bucky says simply, though Mary can see the self-satisfaction in his posture. He takes her hand as they walk together down the sidewalk, and to Mary it feels like some sort of test, like he’s waiting for her to pull away.

So she forces herself to curl her fingers around his and keep holding his hand.

Again, she can practically feel the reaction coming off of him. He’s pleased with her. Mary’s cheeks flush from the domineering squeeze he gives her hand from time to time as they walk, and she’s grateful that she can blame it on the day’s chilly air.

Doctor Linda had explained everything, of course, when Mary went in for the assessment. The testing hadn’t been what she was expecting, hadn’t been embarrassing or invasive. And, perhaps most disappointing of all, it hadn’t been predictable. Mary hadn’t felt like she knew which way to fake her responses, to get the test to declare her mentally fit. So she’d answered honestly. 

And where had that gotten her? Lumped into the same group of deviants as James Bucky Barnes. “High needs”—God it sounds awful.

“It’s not necessarily sexual,” Linda tells her at her second appointment. “Or, well … it doesn’t have to be, at least. There are ways around it, if you really need an asexual dynamic.”

Mary nods along, but inside she thinks about the last time Bucky scolded her or praised her or held her hand on the sidewalk. She thinks about when he’d put his hand on her throat and applied pressure. Thinking about those things doesn’t make her feel asexual at all.

The first time Bucky doms her in a coordinated manner, she’s actually unaware of what he’s doing at first. It’s one of Mary’s  three days off and she’s terribly bored, researching how to make grapefruit soda caviar and wondering if there’s a gym nearby that she could join. She hasn’t exercised in weeks, and honestly, if there’s even the slightest chance that she’s going to wind up being naked in front of Bucky or Steve (or, oh god, both of them), then she really feels like she needs to work out.

Scratching fingernails over the skin of her lower stomach, she googles nearby gyms, finds one that looks decent, and tells Steve that she’s headed out to go join. She’s tying one sneaker when Steve objects.

“Oh but wait,” he says. “Um, Bucky’s going to be home soon. And I think he uh, I think he had plans. … For us.”

Mary raises an eyebrow. She likes Steve—thinks he’s kind of a big, beefy sweetheart, actually—but sometimes his devotion to Bucky and what Bucky wants is annoying. “Fine, you stay here and tell him where I went. I’ve got to get out of this apartment.” And out from under you and your bossy husband’s constant supervision. “Got to … I dunno, burn off some steam.”

Bucky’s timing is impeccable. He comes through the door just as she’s bending over to lace up her other sneaker. His arms are full of plastic grocery bags, which he dumps onto the kitchen counter with fanfare. "Honey, I'm home."

“What happened to using the reusable bags?” Steve drawls, earning an eye roll from Bucky.

“Forgot 'em.”

“Mmhm.”

“Shut up.” Bucky’s grinning at his husband, until he catches sight of Mary crouched in her gym clothes. “Where do you think you’re going?” he asks her.

“None of your business,” she snips, standing back up and heading for the front door.

“Stop right there, Princess.”

Oh. Well that’s a new one. Mary turns back around with what she’s sure is an incredulous look. “‘Princess’?”

Bucky smiles warmly and drags her over to inspect the groceries that are in the bags. She’s quick to catalog: eggs, butter, flour, sugar, milk. “What?” she asks, looking up at him. “You think I’m going to cook for you?”

“Oh I know you’re going to cook for me,” he says calmly, taking dry goods out of one of the bags and arranging them in the pantry. “Bake, in fact.”

Mary might stare a little, maybe with her lips parted. She feels equal parts annoyed and intrigued by his audacity. Something vaguely squirmy and warm stirs in her. She's planning on throwing some haughty quip back at him, maybe casually threatening poisoning, but somehow what comes out of her mouth is a subservient, “Well … what do you want me to make?”

He turns back around with bright eyes. “Oh, I’m sure you can come up with something,” he practically purrs. He gets right up in her space and says, “Something … delectable.”

Mary has to avert her gaze and turn away. She says a quick prayer that he hadn’t been close enough to hear the little hitch in her breath, then tries to focus her attention on cataloging the ingredients the jerk has brought her. Eggs, butter, flour, sugar, milk …

Hadn’t she … hadn’t she been going out somewhere? Oh yeah, right. The gym.

She squeaks when Bucky claps a cheerful hand on her shoulder and gives her a squeeze. “Good girl,” he simpers, then walks over to the couch and flops down next to Steve, giving him a kiss hello. They proceed to chat with each other and chat about their days like Mary isn’t standing less than twenty feet away in the kitchen.

She suddenly feels like some 1950’s housewife. … One with damp panties, now that Bucky’s called her that right in her ear. Christ. Had Steve heard? She glances back over to them, but they’re not looking her way. Mary flushes and looks back down at the countertop. Eggs, butter, flour, sugar, milk. She tries to think if she has everything she might need for soufflé cakes.

“How can something so plain be so good?” Steve wonders at the dinner table, where he’s squinting closely at his third helping of dessert like he can glean answers from it. “And what is it?”

“Satisfying,” Bucky says sagely. “That’s the secret.”

“The secret is buttermilk. And it’s cake, Steve. Just eat it.”

“How’re those dishes coming, Doll?” Bucky calls back, shooting her a sly look from over his shoulder. Mary resists the urge to stick her tongue out at him and dunks her hands back into the soapy sink water. 

Steve pokes the jiggly cake with his fork. “What are yooou?” 

By the time they’re finished with dinner and dessert (and dishes), she’s figured it out. All the pet names, the casual touches and the confident demands? Bucky’s trying to dominate her. She thinks about calling him out on it, but promptly forgets to do that when they go into the living room to watch a movie and Bucky firmly suggests that she make herself comfortable on the floor instead of the couch. At his and Steve’s feet.

Forget about damp panties, she just hopes it doesn’t start to show through her leggings.

Asexual dynamic her ass.

Mary had only held onto the illusion that the guys were gay gay for about two whole days, before it became very apparent that they actually like women, too. Steve’s comments alone about Daenerys while watching Game of Thrones are enough to broadcast that he swings both ways.

So that takes it from regrettable to just plain insulting when, as time goes by, Bucky doesn’t initiate anything sexual with her. He keeps doing his whole Dom thing, aided and abetted by Steve, and almost always in ways that take Mary off guard. He’s never mean, never does any of the intimidating things she’d imagined a dom would do to a submissive. 

And Mary won’t admit it, but she’s starting to look forward to when Bucky gets home from work at the end of the day. She spends more time than she’ll ever admit planning out something new to make for dessert, all the while anticipating the beginning of Bucky’s early evening commands and how they elicit those first tendrils of effervescent, pink fizz giddiness. 

It’s the later commands—the ones that come after dinner and during tv time, that tend to bring on the warm, sunken bathwater feelings. Marys pretty sure that Steve is a bit of a voyeur, because he seems fascinated by it all, watching every night as Bucky bosses her around, sometimes even joining in his own small ways, by petting her hair or telling her she��s sweet, or something like that.

Every evening, they play this strange game. And every evening Bucky and Steve each give her a kiss on the cheek and send her dazed little self off to bed, the two of them retiring to their own room. In the beginning, being left alone to go to bed is nice. She ignores the arousal between her legs in favor of floating in her syrupy sea of sweet feelings. Going to bed in subspace gives her the most solid sleep she’s ever had in her life. But after another week of it, and then another, the arousal starts to linger a little more at bedtime. She starts to fantasize about what it would be like to keep things going, to take Steve’s hand at the end of the night and let him guide her into his and Bucky’s bedroom, rather than her own; be held between their two big bodies while they whisper more sweet things to her and touch her in new places …

Maybe Steve and Bucky really do just want this to be platonic, she thinks, as another week of the same goes by and her dreams are getting dirtier by the minute. She’d surreptitiously stuffed her vibrator into a bag when they’d gone back to her apartment to retrieve her belongings, but she’s been too afraid to use it when Steve and Bucky are right across the hallway in their room, mortified to think that they might hear the buzzing and know what she’s doing.

Best not to add fuel to the fire, she thinks, when she ignores how increasingly horny she’s becoming and forces herself to lie still and count sheep and not fantasize about the two insanely hot, not-gay-gay men in the next room. They’re still a happily married couple, she tells herself. They’ve got no interest in her as of yet, and she’ll just be making herself into a homewrecker if she pushes for more.

… Or maybe they’re just not attracted to her that way, she eventually starts to think. Steve and Bucky are both in amazing shape, and they’re very good looking. They probably see her as like … maybe a solid five—with makeup and a blowout. 

She gets a little down in the dumps about it, realizing that all the heavy drinking and crap diet of this past year and a half has taken its toll on her, and she’s just not physically their type. She convinces Bucky to start adding salmon to the grocery list, she researches the pros and cons of lip filler, and starts whitening her teeth with one of those nasty little gel kits.

She stands in front of her bathroom mirror each night and scrutinizes her naked body, dragging her nails absentmindedly against the skin of her lower stomach and cataloging everything that’s not as good as it could be. She considers the scars on her hip that have no new slices added to the roster, wonders if Bucky ever wound up telling Steve about how … how awful they are …

“Night, Mary!” Steve chirps from across the hall, making her inhale and flinch in surprise.

“N-night!” she calls back through the wall, feeling the pleasant effects of that night’s drop fading away faster than she’d like.

Maybe she should just be happy that she’s getting at least this much attention from them, that things have improved a little and she at least isn’t drinking herself into a stupor each night anymore. That’s a positive, even if she is still left pining after them like a fool every night. Steve and Bucky are okay guys, but they probably just don’t want anything more than this from her. They’re helping her because she shares this mental illness with Bucky, and that’s super nice of them, but it doesn’t mean they have to be attracted to her, too. Mary’s not entitled to anything.

She joins a 24 hour gym and takes to binge exercising in the middle of the night to push away the uncertainty.

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@badthingshappenbingo

card: sarah-writes-stucky / sarahyellow

Square O2: therapy session

@marvel-smash-bingo

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square I1: enemies to lovers

@sebastianstanbingo

card: @sarahowritesostucky

Square B5: Love triangle

@ultimatechrisbingo

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Square B3: Inconvenient attraction

[grumpycurbur]

i'm just gonna leave this here... CW!!!!! my advice is unfollow/block me if any of the following upsets u, i'll know there's no mind changing that can happen...

At this point… i don't fucking care anymore… I REALLY FUCKING DON'T! Times HAVE Changed…

i've been on here for a few years, but i felt like i wasn't allowed to express how I REALLY WANTED TO FEEL about alot of things because i know i wouldn't be on here if i did. so i'll put it here…

I don't think drag queens should be representing stuff meant for CHILDREN!(like Care Bears and "drag queen story hour") I don't think LGBTQ+ should be persistently and insistently pushed/inserted onto content that's always originally been meant for CHILDREN!!!(Like CARE BEARS!(and it's not just care bears btw believe it or not)) Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer; What the fuck do you think that stands for?????

You can't look at me with a straight face and tell me, "trans lives matter" WHEN I DO KNOW MINORS ACROSS THE WORLD ARE GENUINELY SUFFERING FROM GENDER DYSPHORIA!(individuals confused about their "gender identity") it's messed up. IT REALLY IS! Sadly alot of people have been manipulated to genuinely believe that if they're born a man (parts n all), they're REALLY A WOMAN because their "feelings" told them so… ("pronouns" play a part in it) There are generally 2 sides to arguments like this where people say "think about the children"… I don't think YOU KNOW what that means…

it means let kids be kids!!!

it means no matter how subtly you try to phrase it, you PROTECT the INNOCENCE of children's content, not give corporations (even if they DON'T pay attention), ideas how to present certain characters i.e. Superstar Bear is Non-Binary, or Funshine is Transgender (it was a marketing decision back in the early 2000's, i doubt they ACTUALLY sat in an office room and explicitly pushed this idea that Funshine IS IN FACT transgender). (YOU'RE ALLOWED TO THINK WHAT YOU WANT TO THINK BUT PEOPLE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE EXPOSED TO IT AND END UP HAVING TO THINK ABOUT IT). Wouldn't you THINK if MINORS are on the internet in general, they PROBABLY shouldn't see "nsfw" themes and ideas unless they're ACTIVELY searching for it? "shudders" i don't care, LGBTQ+ is OVERALL "sexual identification", IT'S NSFW, stop fucking lying about it and trying to distance it from what it ACTUALLY IS with what YOU WANT IT TO BE!

Do i think EVERYONE who's pro-LGBTQ+ is bad??? (Drag is part of it too, please don't lie…)

FUCK. NO!!!!!

i'm aware of "Gays Against Groomers", and respect what they're trying to do, which is to prevent the "inappropriate grooming" of underaged individuals while also being part of the LGBTQ community and embracing their "pride"!

I just think people have been psychologically scarred by the rhetoric that's been pushed and are in many ways mentally destroyed by it and in need of some SERIOUS HELP!

Some might say "get a therapist"; I say, FIND A CONSERVATIVE THERAPIST! Someone who "morally knows" right from wrong. (i know you'll probably think this, but religion is part of all cultures wether you like it or not; rolling your eyes to the back of your head don't help.)

i wish people were more aware of how fucked up WE, as humans, have truly become, but i guess collectively we may never understand what that means and it's a damn shame…

just because you were told as a kid, "you can do whatever you want as an adult and be whatever you want to be", doesn't mean that there is absolutely NO rules, standards OR morals you have to follow.

FIND GOD! FIND SOMEBODY!! JUST…SOMETHING!!!

I GET IT, PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO HEAR "THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY" AND CARE SO LITTLE TO WANT TO HEAR IT THAT THEY JUST, don't. maybe it's time to look in the mirror and start to consider the possibility that, maybe, we are all PART OF "THE PROBLEM"… (personal thoughts be damned to hell)

"The Problem", in that, so many people are becoming more and more of an ever-growing, degenerative culture/society that cares SO MUCH about ourselves on an individual basis, that you don't realize that in the end, you don't CARE ABOUT YOURSELVES AT ALL, OR THE FUTURE, OR ANY THING!!! You wanna do/believe things that's odd/weird to others??? Go the fuck right on ahead, BE YOU! Just don't remind the rest of us, unless we (on an individual basis) are curious about it ourselves. sorry if this all sounded "transphobic", idk what else to tell you, it's my opinion, i believe in "free speech", sorry if you don't.

[jennazed]

So today I was kinda bored and decided to read the "Be More Chill" book to see if there were any differences between the book and the musical.... and OH BOY WERE THERE SOME DIFFERENCES!!! I wrote down some of them, enjoy (beware spoilers obviously)

Jeremy has humiliation sheets to quantiatively determine how much of an incel he is

Madeline is now Elizabeth?

Who tf is Mark, why does he exist, and why is Jeremy friends with him?

Everyone knows Jeremy wrote the letter to Christine, but now he wants to give her a chocolate shakespeare bc he is a total flirt (TM)

Jeremy's mom is around and has a divorce lawyer-ing firm with his dad now

Michael is a white boy with an asian girl fetish

JEREMY IS A THEATER KID! JEREMY IS A THEATER KID! JEREMY IS A THEATER KID! JEREMY IS A THEATER KID! JEREMY IS A THEATER KID!

Mr Reyes doesn't microwave his own hot pockets, he uses child labor to do so instead

Christine is super angsty like she needs an anger management therapist or smth

Michael's brother got a squip apparently and is going to Brown University

Oh btw, Jeremy's dad doesn't even wear underwear around the house he just lets his son see his junk?

Michael also has a knee fetish apparently???

Sadly, the play is the actual Midsummer's Dream and not a Midsummer's Nightmare about Zombies

Ok Christine is no longer angsty?

Nvm she is angsty again that was quick

Jeremy goes "Heh-heh." a lot

According to Michael, all girls are shirt thieves and should never be trusted

Ok Christine is no longer angsty again and apparently she is very specific on how relationships are supposed to be formed bc of course she is

The whole Halloween party is now a school-sanctioned event

Is Jeremy a furry? what does "sometime tonight I’ve got to find pics on the Internet of girls with tails" mean???????

Instead of dressing up as Juliet, Christine dresses up as a prostitute angel for the halloween party

Btw michael knows all about the squip from day 1, his brother has one

Rich does his whole ITS FROM JAPAN moment at the halloween party instead of while pissing

Rich's halloween costume is marijuana

the squip is no longer "top secret can't even look it up on the internet shit" bc there's like 361 results for it on yahoo apparently

Jeremy's dad might have been gay for Ben Franklin

Instead of using his Bar Mitzvah money, Jeremy steals his aunt's beanie babies to finance his squip

LORE!! The guy from the lady's running shoes place who gives Jeremy the squip, his name is RACK LMAO

Jeremy keeps his squip-shenanigans secret from michael so we don't get the awesome sequence "try to say something cool" "i think i just blew my bar mitzvah money on a wintergreen tic-tac" "yeah not cool" :(

RACK instead of the squip says the "You can also set me to Sean Connery, Jack Nicholson, Sexy Anime Female hehehehe" line. This change is devestating

"The gayer it feels, the better your posture" YOU HEARD IT HERE FOLKS GAY PEOPLE HAVE BETTER POSTURE

In the book, the squip can see into parallel universes bc quantum physics

Brooke is Anne

Jeremy flirts with Chloe instead of Brooke/Anne man they really changed a lot of stuff around yk

Eminem dies like immediately. That squip DEFINITELY killed him lol

Fun fact: Jeremy is NOT circumcised!

Apparently you just think about the squip turning off to turn it off wow

Jeremy now does pushups whenever he sees an attractive guy on tv instead of whenever he thinks about sex

SQUIPS CAN CONTROL YOUR DREAMS? THATS SO COOL!

lol the squip hates singing

Jeremy instead of the squip says "up up down down left right left right B A start"

wait Brooke is in the book? Then who tf is Anne???

Madeline is now Katrina?

The squip becomes murderous if you drink, i love it!

how does jeremy not know what a pheromone is but is perfectly able to memorize monologues about how humanity has stopped evolving?

Jeremy is a professional boxer and will punch you in the neck and make your gameboy say "dont fuck with me >:(" if you mess with him, remember that folks

Apparently the squip thinks acting like a dog is cute?

NOOO! Some dude named Jason Finderman is the one who has his parents on the run for money laundering and hosts the party instead of Jake

Huh, no optic nerve blocking of Michael? Maybe this version of the squip is actually trying to help Jeremy

Poor Jenna :( she just wanted to talk about how Elizabeth is a slut and Jeremy turned her down

Apparently the squip is also a certified drivers ed instructor! Who knew?

JEREMYS DAD SAYS THE N WORD OK ITS PROBABLY FOR THE BEST THAT ONE GOT CHANGED

Ok smth is up with Jeremy, why is he confessing to Chloe while on ectsasy that he constantly dreams of her with a tail? AND WHY IS SHE KINDA INTO IT??

Fun fact: ectsasy turns the squip spanish

Apparently Chloe's boyfriend in the book is named Brock. Imagine going through 9 months of pregnancy and deciding that your baby should go by fucking Brock lol

Hugging legs is Jeremy's coping mechanism

I love this version of the squip: "TODO LO QUE USTED ES BUENO PARA ES SEXO DEL INTERNET." lmao

btw rich has a belly button kink

Rich named his pp Li'l Cheese Head

No michael in the bathroom moment, instead its more of a michael in a bathtub with an asian girl moment

Michael, who is still buddies with Jeremy :), rushes to tell him of the rich fire

I think rich set the fire bc alcohol + squip = murderous rage in this universe not bc he was trying to get it out

YOOO CHRISTINE IS GONNA BE A PSYCH MAJOR

Jeremy gets a therapist bc his mom freaks out when he tells her about the squip but the therapist is also squipped lol

lol all hollywood actors have squips, awesome

The squip's plan is to have Jeremy confess his love to Christine during the play in front of everybody but she calls him a loser… oof

The squip plans to write Jeremy's life story in a book and then have it kill itself with mtn dew red :O

THE WHOLE STORY WAS A BOOK JEREMY/THE SQUIP WROTE FOR CHRISTINE????? AND THEN IT JUST ENDS??????

That was one way to spend like four hours

[swifty-fox]

But I’m happy to give some thoughts about him in the meantime if people are interested!!!

🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

*cracks knuckles*

So Little Beasts Rosie.... oh man.

This man Needs A Fuckin Xanax.

He's a barista at the coffee shop that John meets Brady and his Parole Officer (Chick) at and is a bit of a nervous nellie. He's had a rough few years. Comes from a good family but with high expectations. The son of two doctors and expected to be similarly prestigious as his older brothers. A Doctor or a Lawyer or a Politician. And he started med school!! wanted to make his parents proud. He was on the right track, getting his degree was engaged to a nice girl. Was gunna take over a hospital and pop out a few kids and make his parents soooo proud.

Except his third year he kinda has this "hey what the fuck am I doing??" moment. Has a bit of a breakdown. Quits med school, breaks of his engagement. Has a SECOND breakdown cause what the FUCK is he doing?? Fucks off to become a barista, gets a therapist. Gets on some anxiety meds. Has minimal contact with his parents because they try to convince him to go back to school every time.

He's kind of at a loss for what to do. he likes bird watching but he can't make that a career. Thinks maybe he'll get into poetry or music-writing.

Some fellow baristas (cause whens the last time you met a cishet barista??) drag him to their local queer bar. he gets way too trashed on tequila sunrises and makes out with a guy.

Has another breakdown, but less than the others.

He's stll in his exploring phase, meeting guys on Grindr, trying to decide if he's actually gay or just feeling a bit crazy (girl....)

Meets Chick who hits him in ALLLL the daddy issues and they decide to hookup and do a little feminization play bc Rosie keeps looking at men in dresses and wanting that bad. It might include some therapist/client roleplay I'm tryna decide

[monorayjak]

I... it's getting hard to live like this. Hiding who I am to so many people. It hurts. I wrote a thing earlier today and I felt I summed up the feeling pretty well I think, reworded a bit to sound better:

"It feels like torturous self harm to be fully aware of who I am and yet imprison myself in a fortress of a false identity that's slowly caving in around me."

What I'm getting at here... I think... I think it might be time for me to come out to some people...and I really need some advice.

As of now, only four people IRL know about me, that's my therapist, my cousin (who was genuinely more like a sister to me), a friend at college (I knew they were extremely supportive and they had no connection to other people I know, so it seemed like a safe bet to tell her (I was right)), a friend I interacted with occasionally in high school who has since come out as trans herself (actually what got me to message her, saw her online and wanted to ask so I didn't misgender her or anything, and we got talking and I quickly realized she'd understand.)

At the moment, I'm still living with my mom, which is fine, I know she'll support me in her own way (she's queer herself, she has internalized issues, but she tries). I know my university I go to, despite having once been a "christian college," have opened up and been supportive of most of the students who do come out in one way or another. I know at least a few of the professors there who are absolutely trying to be supportive to everyone to the best of their abilities. My therapist knows, as mentioned before, but he is also... well, he ain't exactly a pro with gender and sexuality stuff (still a good guy, he just messes up what he's talking about here and there, like using masculine pronouns when he talks about a transwoman (largely I think its because he usually talks about them when they first started transitioning, and I don't think he thinks about gendering them correctly in reference to them coming out... if that makes any sense).

The issues... well, for one, I live in the bible belt. My extended family (who we are finally trying to cut ourselves off from now that the only think holding us together (my grandmother) is gone) lives all around me and the majority of them are.........well lets just say they really don't like my mom being gay, and one of them bullied a kid he was fostering because, in his words, "the kid's a fucking sissy!" Yeah... not a fan of that uncle. (In related news I am genuinely afraid of that man because he is very fucking clearly not mentally stable and has talked about killing himself and others before (while preaching at church!) and he is... really aggressive and has access to guns) I'm too poor to even consider leaving the state, and with... well frankly I'm a bit of a fuckup who really can't live on their own... yeah... fun times. Insurance may cover parts of things, but... honestly I don't even fucking know. Like I said, I know my mom will try to support me, but she is also... well, how do I say this? She tends to not know how to react to stuff. A large reason I don't talk about stuff with her is that she has a habit of turning it around into something about herself (not in a manipulative way, mind you. I just think she doesn't realize why it feels bad to tell her something like this and then have her break down a bit because I didn't tell her sooner or because she didn't work it out herself or anything like that). Basically, if I tell her, its either going to go one of two ways.

She reacts negatively and turns it around about herself and takes the moment to be hurt she didn't work things out or that I didn't tell her. (Literally once opened up to her when I was little (like 11?) about how much I hated myself... she said the next day she spent the entire night crying because she thought she failed... I understand what she was going for, but, honestly not something you should tell your kid who just opened up. Practically had it ingrained internally "If I feel bad, hide it. Because my mom will be devastated by it.")

She goes too supportive and expects me to be willing to open up immediately. Basically just forgetting she can't push me into being out and honest because it takes time to work up the courage.

Both of these options are... iffy. To say the least.

[themostsanebug]

hey you shoulg tell us wjst you and Steven would donif he was your real dad

OKAY SO THESE ONES WILL BE THE. THE ONES FOR COMFORT BECAUSE IM A SAD SAD MAN WHO CAN THINK OF AN ENTIRE SEPARATE LIST OF THINGS ID DO WITH STEVEN TO MAKE ME HAPPY AND COMFORTABLE 💔

OKAY!!!!! so. first one, if i had a stressful day and im having troubles sleeping, we'd go on little night time rides!!!!!! i'd probably ask him to play will wood on the radio and id PASS the fuck out. fun fact; this is what my parents did with me when i was younger to get me to sleep!!!!! its. it still works.

stressed over a test or my grades slipping? BOOM. get hit with the 'im proud of you' beam. he'd also let me hug him and just start WAILING if i needed to.

another sleep related one, but he'd sing me cicada days if i asked i feel. or white noise or falling up. just some of the slower songs from the in case i make it album in general. personal lullabys because WAAAAAHHHH

HED ACTUALLY GET ME A BINDER AND A THERAPIST?????? hed also not care if im trans or gay or polyamorous. i mean. he is gay himself after all???? hed also listen if i said i think i might have audhd. hed try and get in touch with someone to get me diagnosed.

COMFORT ITEMS. hed. hed give me so many. HE HAS ALREADY GIVEN ME TWO IN SPIRIT!!!! my will wood hoodie and my weighted fox plush.........

okay im done with this one two for now :3c

[carphoegras]

I don’t ship most of these myself , but your rant/ramble posts on Les Mis ships are funny so I genuinely wanted your opinion on these 👁

1. Enjoltaire

2. Valvert

3. Enjonine

4. Marisette (or whatever Marius x Cosette was called)

5. Javonine (Javert and…Eponine 😭)

6. Marionine (A name a just guessed for Marius x Eponine because I wasn’t bothered to look it up)

7. and uhhh.. Granjonine (I think that was the name)

well hello darling! i live to entertain lol lets get into it i might have to put this under a cut because i think its obvious i have a rambling issue

Enjoltaire : a classic for good reason. they seemed really base level to me at first because i watched the movie first, but once i read the brick and really saw their dynamic i fell for them HARD. for me the beauty of this pairing is really rooted in the substance of their individual characters as opposed to like a romantic relationship. idk its so difficult for me to verbalize why i love them so much i think i just love the idea of finding common ground despite difficulties. enjolras and grantaire mirror each other in such a beautiful way that i feel the musical/movie couldn't really capture without demoting it to a puppy love grantaire/mean enjolras dynamic idk i have such an issue with some portrayals of them because i feel like they create a victim/abuser situation where there wasn't one but that's like a whole post within itself anyway i feel like im getting incoherent i love exr with every fiber of my fucking being just read the brick if you don't get it ok the movie and musical just dont do it justice and for the love of god avoid the fics written in 2012/2013 after the movie hype its all wRONGGGG (i love you george blagden but you created a twink grantaire movement) (they pull each others pigtails okay its a mutual obsession) (enjolras why don't you just ignore him baby? glutton for punishment my dear we all know if you hated him you wouldn't let him hang around) (anyway) i should make a seperate post about my exr feelings bc i could talk ab them for hours

2. Valvert: okay this is where i feel like i can be unpopular with the fandom. i fucking hate this ship. like physically, spiritually, all that. its one of those that i kinda lose respect for the person bc its literally a cop/prisoner thing. its not enemies to lovers. its not a hate love thing. javert's a fucking cop. valjean is his victim. the whole idea of people romanticizing this makes me feel so insanely icky and i think the point of the story has just gone RIGHT over some folks' heads please take a step back and think about it. neolib behavior sorry not sorry

3. Enjonine: enjolras is gay. just like, straight up in the brick enjolras is a gay man. this ship is spawned from straight girls who saw aaron tveit and use eponine as their not like other girls posterchild. just a whole bunch of hetero nonsense. same behavior as the joseph quinn enj x reader bs. honey thats a homosexual man and can we please stop reducing eponine to needing a boyfriend she needs a stable home and a goddamn therapist fucking hell

4. Marisette: okay. i LOVE THEM. i'm a cosette stan myself, and i'm a huge fan of a gooey love at first sight situation. they contrast my love for exr in the sense that they're a very easy love. their parts in the book literally make me SWOOOOOON i can put aside my beef with marius as a combeferre kin to appreciate how sweet they are

5. Javonine??: im sorry wh aht. did the snape x hermione shippers leak into the lm fandom or am i being fucking punked im not discussing this its obvious why this is wrong please tell me its obvious y'all are NASTY

6. Marionine: eh. eh. i mean, like i said with enjonine eponine's problems are not gonna be solved with a dude. i'm really not opposed to them, persay, its just that eponine's love for marius is so incredibly dependent and rooted more in her personal trauma than actual love, so i feel a little weird with them sometimes. sometimes it just gives anti cosette vibes (cough cough bc of the bullshit love triangle angle that the musical markets cough cough) so i tread very carefully with them

7. Granjonine: again what in the damn hell. i'm not dignifying this shit they could be besties but for the love of god george blagden did a number on the straight girls. STOP PROJECTING ONTO EPONINE IM GONNA LOSE MY FUCKING MIND LEAVE HER ALONE

thanks for the ask lovely, i do love rambling even though these ships are baffling lmaoooo

[ayosdesignz-blog]

Dear cacklers...We are gathered around this post today so that I: current self proclaimed kinkshamer; may share my observations of one villain Kraven of the Spiderman 2 game.

That man is too excited by the hunt.

Too interested in dying from the hunt.

I'm sitting there watching some game plays and having things explained to me by my little brother and as more time passes the more sus everything this dude's every action is.

Like I'm at the point where I feel like the guy needs to stop what he's doing to take a cold shower and maybe take like 5 (hours) to just fuckin chill out.

Cuz the man's a freak.

Like: super freak, super freaky🎵

And I'd personally recommend that he gets all the therapy. And if he DO got a therapist he clearly isn't paying them enough or needs a better one or BOTH!

When I tell you...the tension was bordering on sexual in most encounters...💅🏽

Too many small moments...and I admit that I might have been exaggerating for the lols a bit as my ✨️dirty mind✨️ decided it wanted to act up.

But the scene where Peter/Venom put this guy in a scary tentacled chokehold and he had the audacity to look pleased and THEN TAKE IT FURTHER BY BEGGING HIM TO DO IT HARDER??!!!!

I was couldn’t breathe around the pterodactyl noises that were surprised out of me from that...

CLEARLY...I wasn't imagining things before that scene if this motherfucker is now over here going like: choke me like you hate me but you love me🎵

Except with the full on aura of: ~I love the kind of woman that can actually just kill me~

Looking ass.

Had me dying lowkey fr wondering if this dude had always been a sexual deviant or if it's just this game iteration. Because he's honestly one of the villains I don't really remember from my childhood.

Now Venom out here lowkey being a hoe, with his thick ass, trying to show everyone what that tongue do as I (yell at the tv and) demand he put that thing back where it came from is completely normal and familiar.

For comparison purposes.

I am not familiar with a hunter (in Spiderman) so thrilled for a hunt he's willing to do mind games to break a person into not holding back and undo their "cures" so that he can fight them when they're no longer themselves. Getting into personal spaces, constantly grinning, goading and insisting, what the body language is saying...and in the case of this particular scene...begging.

Now I don't know if this man is gay...but that was fucking gay. 🤣

Why he look like he might be ready to bust a nut over this other man ✨️~consensually~✨️ roughing him up? And there's tentacles involved? 👀 que the lip biting 🫦

Gotta be somewhat gay.

And that's kwel or whatever but maybe NOT want sexual pleasure in them maiming and then killing you.

Kraven? More like Kray-kray.

Cuz that shits beyond fucking weird, wrong even, and I will stand by this.

[cringefaillosersummit]

alright alright fine ill do marvin propaganda. i have a bandaid on my right thumb so i apologize for any mistakes i might let slip

this man is literally so cringefail. in the first act he is the definition of toxic masculinity and when he finally works up the nerve to divorce his wife because hes gay, he hates himself because of his internalized homophobia and then his kid hates him too. his kid would rather take advice from his dad's BOYFRIEND than him. thats an L moment if you ask me. anyway, then in an attempt to try and help out his ex wife, he directs her to his therapist, where she then falls in love with said therapist (and he does as well) and they GET MARRIED. major L. when hes finally with the man he wants to he with he goes and fucks it up and drives him away. the man also has no sense of style (according to his bf whizzer, who is forever correct). then when he finally gets the courage to accept himself for being gay and treat the only man hes ever allowed himself to love right, everything goes wrong because theyre in the middle of the aids epidemic. whizzer passes, barely six months after they get back together happily and can admit their love for eachother, and it is implied marvin is to die as well. while that ISNT a cringefail or an L, and is in fact very VERY far from it, its just really really sad.

but yeah vote for marvin guys hes not winning by a longshot and we need our middle aged man to win

considering this propaganda for the redemption round!

[quarantinescarpet]

My quotes list from over the years

FRESHMAN

-“‘tis I the frenchiest fry.”

-“Someone’s stabbing me in the leg with a spork.”

-“I A DEMOCRAT OOPS”

-Spill the pony tea.

-How many geese would it take to bring down a full grown man?

-Point is, I love you both and I would 10/10 ride a motorbike

-“Apparently someone in Mr. Hopkins G block got scared of turkey noises.”

-“It’s like... it’s like a stupid game of Russian roulette Tetris with giant death machines”

-“I feel like you'd have a shrine to remember Spider-man, complete with candles and every single ‘mr stark I don't feel so good’ meme printed out.”

-“don’t ask me, I don’t know anything about the sex”

-“I WILL RIP YOUR DICK OFF”

-“What’s the difference between gay silence and regular silence?”

-“what yields a focus pencil? A patience tree?”

-“I might boogie on the desk so hard that the gum keeping it together gets unchewed and yeets back into the dimension it belongs in”

-“You smell like my fencing teacher”

-“sponsor a sponsor! Become a child”

-“Woof woof bitch, im a furry.”

-“yo to the hoe”

-“does my emoji still smell?”

SOPHOMORE

-“peter doesn't have a detachable head”

-“two thirds of me is wearing glasses”

-“You look like you have autism. Are you vaccinated?”

-“When did Haydar become friends with Emily?” “In hell”

-“I know you have something to do with Filbert”

-“Ayo beans check”

-“Who cares about beating the game‽ I’m a goose.”

-“You can’t make contact lenses out of cranberries”

-“cannabalism is for beans”

-“You know the party is lit when the epileptic kid starts doing the worm”

-“Imagine getting stabbed to the beastie boys”

-“I CANT TORTILLA MY CHOCOLATE MILK”

-“Pure drip”

-“The All Mighty King Tuggle Wuggle the Original... The 5th”

-“It’s a drink.” “Coal?” “I’m sorry who the heck is drinking coal??” “It’s heroin.”

-“Is climate change good or bad?”

-“I’ve had to keep her from stealing my toes for so long”

-“Apples are delicious, babies are not.”

-“It’s like I’m exfoliating my knuckle”

-“We are literally just birds.”

-“I’m slowly transitioning to emo. Today I’m wearing navy blue, tomorrow it will be black.”

-“Omg Aimee why are you such a try hard” “Oh my god Ava why are you orange?”

-“Wait what the fuck does crashing a funeral have to do with driving?”

-“Why are blonde people driving???”

-“That house looks like stephen king” “its super thicc?”

-“If you don’t do your homework, they are legally allowed to steal your cells”

-“Why would digging up graves be a problem we have to cover during a spa day??”

-“I would commit neck rape”

-“he looked at me and I looked at him and I was like ‘genocide’”

-“like Klaus, from Klaus”

-“SANKADANKA”

-“facism is also gender neutral”

-“I mean we all knew that the birds just wanted the body to be gone!”

JUNIOR

-“you know what they say in chemistry”

-“I got it from bed bath and behind you”

-“A two line poem. I see a frog. My heart: 💕❤️💓💗💕”

-“who needs a straw when you can suck it out the hole?”

-“I wish I could get neutered”

-“eggs are so well named”

-“You’re not a fandon? We don’t standon.”

-“If you’re horny just walk it off”

-“potatoes and molasses, there is inequality between the classes!”

-“save the tiddies”

-“I think I could explain socialism” “okay do it” *doesnt do it*

-“what part of no interruptions does Trump not get?” “The english part”

-“my knees how they crackle like rice crispies”

-“the planet is dying you fucking walnut”

-“do you think I’d be able to avoid conversion therapy?” ”no you look dumb as shit have fun at camp.”

-“the US military uses 738 billion dollars per year, and we can’t dunk the moon into the pacific ocean? Where are our priorities? Disgusting.”

-“I hope he dies on my birthday”

-“the doctor’s sewing you up and you’re like ‘harder daddy’ and they just leave you to bleed out on the floor.”

-“I don’t know what your parents do for a living” “I’d have to kill you if you found out” “oh he’s a conversion therapist?”

-“Peaning, pregnancy, protection.”

-“Being railed and math are two totally different things”

-“Aren’t all white people just german strokes?“

-“the pickles are tasty tonight, don’t you think?”

-"Gay people have feelings too! I mean those feelings aren't valid, but they have them!"

-“Grapefruit is the Wild Kratts of roblox”

-“My lungs are rejecting christianity”

-“Lettuce cereal”

-“get zooted”

-“why are they doin that to my boi Eric Snowblower???” “... do you mean Elric Stormbringer??” “Yes OMG hi futon”

-“Milk towel (sent with gentle effect)“

-“nose haemorrhoids”

-“my favourite colour is bitches”

-“THE LESBIAN FISH WHATS HER NAME”

-“You’ll have time to pull moose daddy”

-“The more you beat it the bigger it gets”

-“Were you wa today??”

-“oh uh slaves are now horses”

-“tarnsgender is a lifestyle”

-“not me misgendering my dishwasher”

-“Kiss! Kiss Kiss!”

-“its a regular human but you can open it up and take a shit inside of it” “like a kangaroo”

-“kiss kill marry, good piss boy, eric snowblower, michael”

-“if you don’t wanna strike the set, strike yourself.”

-“did you listen to waterparks in middle school or have you had sex?”

-“he said his pullout game is strong and he’s only used a condom six times” “tell him he needs the practice”

-“its a didney movie”

-“I already have a dick so I’m good with the foot sucking, thanks!”

-“I don’t misgender you cause you changed your pronouns I just misgender you cause you have pronouns”

-“made a joke and nobody laughed”

-“You’re a socialist gray shut up”

-“dont straddle my dog shes a child!”

-“chloe, kim, kendall, kourtney,,, the genders”

-“which constellation looks most like a dick”

-“I’m being intimate with my pudding. Only my pudding loves me.” “Yeah but it feels a little violated”

-“vending machine, easy bake oven, and ramen are the four food groups?”

-“mom I found your tinder”

-“doesnt this baby look like it would grow up to be hitler?”

-“anti smack”

-“I said no farting”

-“I’m at the point in this trip where I want to make out a little with every dog I see.”

-“I’m worried about your mom right now” “I’m worried about the dogs”

-“I’m going to start streaming” “awesome I’ll watch you! I’ll download Tinder”

-“jesus is coming are you clenching?” “Did you mean swallowing???”

-“Today when I said I had an image to show you and you came to look at my phone I wasn’t on Instagram yet and I was worried you were going to see that my last google search was what is a craisin”

-“My username is deep_seated_fear_of_geese”

-“Savour the flavour, uncle”

-“potential energy this, kinetic energy that, when will anyone start paying attention to the most important energy. dumb bitch energy”

-“Happy easter i guess i don’t know why the heck jesus likes eggs so much” “Jesus has an egg obsession” “And he has a bunny fursona””

-“Cause I’m kinky for color coding”

-“I’m going to name my child Brad. With a silent gh. Braghd”

-“Headcanon that Prince Philip died because he saw unsolicited feet pics“

-“I kin prince philip”

-“theres three genders: kailer, gay tyler, and regular tyler”

-“I swear to god they spent half of their budget making those titans asses so scrumptious”

-“Everything is terrible, can’t magnum dong, repressing my emotions”

-“Master has given dobby plan b. Dobby no longer needs the hanger”

-“I want someone to be just as obsessed with me as my social worker is”

-“You wanted to end the conversation so you decided to be homophobic.”

-“It is commonly thought that there are two types of people in this world, communists and pessimists.”

-“Glass half full glass half empty everyone shares the glass”

-“I thought it was about to be something sexual about slushees and I was like: 😃?“

-“Piss on, I know how to have sex.”

-“Sarah we’re making milf jokes wake up”

-“Its like im having a panic attack but I cant stop making kink jokes”

-“good old fashioned jesus?” “I said gay sex”

-“the straggot and the slurs”

-“grandpa has had way too much time without his meds”

-“You’re gonna find ur special someone bro ❤️ or someone to raw you idk what you’re into”

-“Do you wanna represent conversion therapy?”

-“Don’t punch me! I’ll get a boner”

-“I’m known to frequent elementary schools at night”

-“ever since I found out there were ants in baked beans” “WHY ARE THEY THERE? JUST BAKE THE BEANS!”

-"aaron burr shot hamilton which is kinda kinky and im not into that" "i guess he forgot to give him his safe word then huh"

-“we can’t make these jokes tomorrow people will think we’re fucking crazy” “nah man people will just think we’re FUCKING”

-“this 14 year old just looked me straight in the eyes and said drill me daddy-o”

-“they piss on you when they’re comfortable with you. Thats how it works”

-“are penguins fish or mammals?”

-“car washes are traumatising”

-“it’s okay gray has a 22 year old sugar daddy”

-“I get vored easily and yeehaw”

-“You get really stinky when jade honks for bill”

-“Jade needs a shit sleeve when she honks for bill can we go dunky now”

-“not the llama,,, the liQuid”

-“I’m allergic to jesus”

-“if you cant see stuff in your head how come you can vacuum?”

-“dont be a whore drink instead”

-“pain is temporary, existence is temporary, we’re all temporary”

-“I did not know veggie tales was religious”

-“you’re a sussy baka yes sorry now can we watch the video”

-“I assumed everyone in tech is gray”

-“skyrim wasn’t bad I just wanted fussy”

-“im not gonna get a shrodinger kink”

-“those crocs are bitchin”

-“you seem so put together” “it’s just the shoes”

-“capitalism is my sugar daddy”

-“when aang is riding someone do you think he says yip yip

-“Capitalism breeds innovation? How bout you breed this bussy”

Senior

-“Ollie: Can Jewish people eat the Lorax?

Jillian: Yeah. He is canonically a Nazi you know

Ollie: …Are you implying that nazis are kosher?

Jillian: Yeah how do you think we won the war dumbass”

-“I wanna get manhandled”

-“chryssy is SO thicc. Thats why benson loves her.”

-“are we still meeting autism?”

-“so what im hearing is you stole my prostate??”

-"Benson doesnt have a liver? What about her alcoholism problems!”

-“do [squirrels] have beaks or are they flat?”

-“ I feel like I’d fall into a pond.”

-“I didn’t come”

-“Cis piss”

-“YOU GRABBED HIS JICK?”

-“Everytime I come out as ace people send me all their ace stuff” “omg thats what I do for my italian friends”

-“I wanna be someones thyroid problem”

-“Yeah you could go to bobby about your skin cancer”

-“I feel really pregnant right now”

-“stomachs love diluted slim jims”

-“benson is a milf”

-“aj just gave birth to me” “how?” “teamwork”

-“the universe is nothing but a collection of corpses”

-“tight shaggy”

-“the moonwalking bear will come back to haunt you”

-“You forgot your jizz in the shop”

-“Please be a monster fucker”

-“Wipe the milk moustache off your face because I can’t talk to you”

-“the moonwalking bear will come back to haunt you”

-“You forgot your jizz in the shop”

-“Please be a monster fucker”

-“Wipe the milk mustache off your face because I can’t talk to you”

-“Mr. Hands is my safe-word”

Freshman pt 2

-“nah this isn’t true love this is smash or pass man”

-“the more swords the more smash”

-“virgin??? Like VIRGINIA??”

-“He’s really going ham on him”

[phantom-ellie]

The Art of (Smashing) Crockery Chapter 22: Blackbird

Summary: Not all gay awakenings are positive, and not all reactions to rejection are healthy.

Click here for CWs/Full Chapter List

---

I opened the door. I followed the lead. They said you just have to move towards the light. Say, ‘Hello. I am a gay man. My name is Stede.’

My mind wrote a letter my heart couldn’t read. A heart confused, misused, shamed, and contrite. So I opened the door. I followed the lead.

Is this how it feels to be freed? To accept who I am, what my forebears would indict? Saying, ‘Hello. I am a gay man. My name is Stede.’

Waking up gay, a gay awakening, is this what I need? Then why does my heart hurt, my chest still feel tight Since I opened the door and followed the lead?

A mirror, I practice, repeating my screed. But my expression remains the same, try as I might. ‘Hello. I am a gay man. My name is Stede.’

‘It’s too late,’ it threatens, it chokes like a weed. Self-acceptance is a resignation, a reaction born from spite. But I opened the door. I followed the lead. Hello. I am a gay man. My name is Stede.

---

Stede doesn’t respond to Ed’s text. Not through the night or the next day. The blog post is angry, sad. Ed assumes that something happened with Stede’s father, but Stede isn’t asking Ed for comfort. He doesn’t want Ed’s love, or his friendship.

Ed was an idiot. Again.

And being an idiot, he does what he’s always done and calls Izzy. His voice is already breaking as Izzy answers the phone.

“What is it, Edward?”

“I’m so stupid, Izzy. I did it.”

“Did what?”

“I kissed him.”

“Fucking hell, Ed! I told you. Why would you do that?”

“I… I love him.”

“For fuck’s sake, this happens every time. And he rejected you, didn’t he?”

Ed feels so small. He can barely get it out. “Mmhmm.”

“And I’m supposed to drop everything and comfort you ,again, is that it?”

“Come on Izzy, you’re my friend. That’s what friends are for.”

“You have no fuckin’ clue about friendship, Ed. You drop me as soon as someone shiny and new comes along, and then I have to fix it when they leave. Every time! Do you know how draining it is?”

“I… I can guess.”

“You can guess, but you don’t know. I’ve been divorced twice, Ed. What were you doing both times?”

Ed sighs. “I don’t know, what do you want me to say, Iz?”

“You were too busy doing drugs with Jack to be there for me, weren’t you?”

Ed is silent for a few seconds. “Yeah.”

“Go to a gay bar, find someone who actually likes you back, get a therapist, I don’t care what you do. But it’s time to grow up. It’s time to figure it out for yourself. I have shit going on.” Izzy hangs up.

Tough love. Ed’s mind immediately thinks of Stede’s father. Then Stede. Then hurt.

Logically he knows not to blame Izzy. Ed has always taken from Izzy. He’s never given back, not where it counts. Anonymous donations to Los Robles didn’t count for much if they were anonymous.

It’s at this moment that Ed realizes that despite all the encouragement he gave to Stede, Ed doesn’t really know what a friend does, either.

---

Mary: Did you meet with the estate lawyer?

Stede: Yes.

Mary: And?

Stede: It should be airtight. Preparing for lawsuit anyway.

Mary: You know I’m not going to ask for any of it in the divorce, Stede. The timing is just bad.

Stede: You are entitled to it and you will have it.

Stede: You deserve it. For everything.

Mary: See you tomorrow @ 11?

Stede: yeah

---

Thanksgiving. So much to be thankful for. Right?

Maybe.

He manages to make it through the dinner all right. He’s quiet, but that’s okay. It gives him a chance to listen to Alma and Louis bicker a little bit, to see the drawings they’ve done and tell him about school. He can hear about Mary’s art show, which of course was a success, and he can feel a tiny bit of gratitude as she takes care to talk around any mentions of Doug.

At one point Alma pointedly asks Stede what he’s been up to, and he’s a bit at a loss to answer her.

“Well… I’ve been thinking a lot, I suppose.”

“That sounds boring.”

Stede huffs. “I haven’t had a lot of time to think recently, Alma. Sometimes it’s nice to take a break.”

“You could take a break here with us.” Alma looks down at her food, pushing her green beans around with her fork.

Stede puts his hand on hers. “I’ll keep that in mind, sweetheart. I just need a little time to myself.”

“I thought that’s what you had work for.”

Stede shakes his head. “No, not even a little bit.”

When they finish, Stede isn’t too far in his own head yet, so he manages to clean up, do the dishes, to look around at the kitchen that he no longer considers to be his. He never considered any of this to be his, really. It’s as if he’s just been borrowing it.

He finishes up and slides on his coat, prepared to sneak out of one life that isn’t his into another life he hasn’t made yet. But Mary spots him.

“Stede… you don’t have to run away, you know? You can stay here. You can live here with us for now. Let me help you.”

Stede stops to think about this, if just for a moment. He imagines living as a ghost in his own home, too afraid to face his wife, his children. He imagines sitting on his bed, confessing everything to Mary, everything he feels. And in this imagination, they have a wonderful talk, one that solves and clarifies everything. Like it’s so easy. And Stede leaves the house, in his imagination, with new-found purpose as he reaches Ed’s apartment, knocks on the door, says those three words, and they embrace and live happily ever after.

In his imagination.

But Stede is a useless, pathetic coward. And his dreams will never come true.

So he gives a wan smile instead, tells Mary, “Okay, I’ll think about it,” and gets in his car.

Stede has always felt safest personifying inanimate objects. His hotel room has a minibar. He tells himself that’s the only friend he needs.

---

Ed: hey

Jack: hey you unblocked me

Jack: ya getting lonely big guy

Ed: what if i am

Jack: door’s always open

Ed: you really gotta lock that shit

Ed: on my way

---

Post from the blog Hear Something Weird:

Now you remind me of something I’ll never have So, blackbird don’t sing

Comments: MauritianSupremacy: Hey, we’re planning to take you out for drinks, you left the group chat. Check your texts PracticallyGayJesus: lucy told me to tell you we miss you LucyFlawless: That was not the way to deliver that message, babe

Chapter 23

[orionpolanosnox]

"Funny" transitioning story.

I'm trans and depending on where you live in Germany you might need two independent voices aka the opinions of two completely to you unknown therapists to confirm your therapist's findings that you are in fact trans and are eligible for a name/gender change and surgery.

You had to mail your "story" to them in advance. The scheduled appointments were about 2 hr each.

They document what you are wearing, your haircut and how you present yourself plus how "authentic" you are.

My first independent therapist was a young woman who was super chill. She ask her pointed questions but was very open minded and overall super professional.

The second guy was retired (you know where this is going). He told me, he'd give his okay no matter what because it's my life and he trusts my judgement. I didn't believe him and was so scared.

This old crusty man was given the power to decide over my life. Will I live or will I die? It was up to this dude who's worldview was as old as the fucking dinosaurs.

"Why didn't you know you were a guy when you where in kindergarten?" "What do you actually do to connect with other men?" "Why do you want to be a man?" "What don't you want to be a woman?" "Do you hate women?" (This fossil actually ask me this....)

"You know you won't be able to marry, right?" "What would you even do with your life?" Spoken as if marriage was the end all thing to happiness and fulfillment in life. This is one of the most memorable things he told me after I told him I was gay. (Marriage equality/Ehe für alle didn't happen yet.) I just nodded, said that I knew and it's okay. He was satisfied with that answer.

(The only thing this primate did well was to clock my trauma. I'll give him that. He really hurt me back than because it was spot on.)

Back then I knew that I was gay but not that I was ace. I only realize that I'm probably somewhere on the aro spectrum this year.

My old psychiatrist didn't believe me that I'm ace. It was always my depression, my autism or my bpd or my former addiction or just me being anti social and not trying hard enough. Who objects to the man who gives you your pills to function? Who wants to anger the person who gives you the one and only thing that makes it possible for you to work.

LIE! You need to lie! You don't know what you get. Do whatever you need to survive. Your survival is the priority. Tell them your straight for all I care.

I experienced all that 2017/18. Hope it's better now.

fun fact (not fun at all fact actually) :

aromanticism and asexuality are still treated as issues to be fixed in most therapy settings, at least in the western psychiatric institution. i cannot fucking mention my aromanticism or asexuality to a therapist or it’ll immediately become their primary concern and goal to fix. whether or not i have a partner/am trying to have a partner is actively being used as an indicator of my wellness, regardless of if i WANT one. i cannot have access to needed mental health ressources because of fear of conversion therapy. aro and/or ace conversion therapy is the norm in most psychiatric institutions and we are getting told by the rest of the queer community that our oppression isnt real and that there is no link between our struggles and theirs.

more thoughts on the medicalization of asexuality and/or aromanticism

answers to common notes

aplatonic perspective

ressources

background information

tips to avoid aro and/or ace conversion therapy

[finnothehimbo]

A gay lord living the life of his dreams

Sandwiched between big buff futch lady and dainty butch/boi gender fluid pretty thing

If heaven doesn’t have these sandwiches why would I care if I go there?

Will my friends lovers family and the blurred lines between be there? Why do I care?

It’s a good home to me now regardless of what tomorrow holds

a good job that’s supporting my neurodiverse needs, A cute little cat, a chronically I’ll queer polyam autistic therapist who scratches the itch just right that I feel safe enough she’ll catch me if I really need it I’m going further than I could imagine

An adopted grandfather who loves me like his own, my own apartment, beautiful Christmas lights up year round that I journal under after a long day.

A body that moves better than before and is strong enough to throw around my big buff flirt thing and continuing to get stronger

Under 200lbs for the first time since I was 15, Facial hair on a face that looks like *me* and top surgery approved for my number one absolutely top pick of top surgeon and the ability to pay for it without losing things I need.

Healthcare for my dainty butch boi and a cat that cuddles up purring on his belly when he can’t get out of bed

I’m the husband (to be) I’d hoped to be with people who honor the work I put in for my chosen family

I’m allowed to cuddle my friends and have a partner who cherishes my company too. Who makes me feel like I’m not going to be insulted for being unable to do it all or in debt for my flaws. Who’s security has healed something deep in me many failed to. Many had triggered into a pressurized chaos and I’ve recalibrated.

I’ve got so much to love

So as much as I cry some things are over after last night I’m so fucking thankful for today

So thankful for all the good I have. So thankful that my adopted grandfather is still alive. It’s potentially terminal but what a blessing to be told he’s sick and “no matter what happens I love you all. Thank you for being so good”

I’ll cry that it’s over *and* smile that it happened

You can’t (sanely and healthily) deny that it hurts to not have ignorance to the fact he won’t live forever and this sickness could be something to kill him. But gods what a beautiful thing to have a man I love so much that I cry thinking he might not get to dork out tossing flower petals down the isle of my wedding. It won’t be a huge wedding but It will be magical. it’ll celebrate love like ours happening for hundreds of generations. Including his generation. The man who filled in for me while I’ve had no men secure in my life. He’s a gem I’ll always remember. He in part has shaped me into the man I’ve become and I’ll continue to become. I love you papaw and I hope to see you on the other side one day no matter what this news brings we’ll be alright.

Thank you for seeing me where I am and being glad to have *me* not a person I could have been. Thank you for seeing the work I put in. Thank life for giving me the opportunity to love so many people so deeply.

[vulgarloon]

I think I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I might spend the rest of my life alone. Seems like romantic love avoids me, or maybe (more likely) I am avoiding it myself. And I don’t know how people have friends nowadays. I feel so disconnected from everyone, and whenever I stop reaching out, it seems like everyone forgets about my existence.

I want to be seen, to be loved and handled with care, to put a “fragile” label on myself. I want to be held and kissed and fucked and cared for. I have confusing feelings about sharing this, but I am in my 30s and I never had sex in my life. Not because I didn’t want it, I just never felt safe enough with anyone to let them see me in such a vulnerable state. I don’t trust men. No sexism or “they are all the same” from my side, I just really, honestly can’t recall a time when I felt safe and comfortable with a man last time. Have I ever?…

I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I’m trying to be a good friend, to reach out, to widen my social circle, but.. I don’t feel reciprocity so often, that at some point I start feeling very angry and I want to disconnect. They don’t see me. They don’t understand me and most importantly, don’t really care. I am not silent, if that’s what one might think. I am talking about my needs, discussing issues, sharing something about myself to try to keep it a healthy relationship. But still.

The last time I was in love he was hot and cold, and good and bad and maybe he was gay, but he was not sure, and then he flirted and shared some of the very private secrets of his with me, and spent hours with me, and even Friday nights, and followed me everywhere, looking me in the eyes with longing for like 20 times per short conversation. And then.. he tells everyone that he has a girlfriend and had one long before this whole shit started.

The guy before that was sweet and it felt like he cared, until he suddenly disappeared without any comments and when I asked (3 times) what happened, it was the usual “it’s not you, it’s me…”.

And then the other one, with whom we’ve been friends for 4 years, and he said he wanted me to date him. And even though I asked him several times before we started a relationship if he really was over his ex.. would you guess, left me, as soon is his ex reappeared.

And of course the guy that offered me to date right after his breakup to “help him heal his wounds and fill the emptiness she left”. And the one that called me lesbian, because he wasn’t nice to me and I didn’t want to meet him again. Or the one bringing a friend to our date..

I hate this. I hate them. I don’t want any of this. I don’t get it, how there’s always someone more important to everyone than me. I’m never anyones first choice. Just an option. And oh how I am sick of this feeling, of working as a mirror for all their bullshit, for caring but not being taken care of. Of loving and being tricked. Of trying to be open and honest and getting lies in response.

I really should talk to my therapist again. There’s definitely something’s that I am missing.