#fuck i've made myself emo now rip

[10yearsofdnp]

February 1, 2015: Dan posts Internet Support Group 4, where he answers questions from an embarrassed Johnlock shipper, a serial procrastinator, and a girl whose ex-bf has recently come out of the closet! 📞📧🤝

[theodoraflowerday]

heartstopper s3e6 live episode reaction

okay, holy shit

this episode's gonna have to do a LOT bc last episode was everything good in the world

man, Geoff is so sweet I love him

MR FAROOOUUUKKKKKK MR FAROUK AND HIS LIL FIST BUMPS

not the rugby lads 😭

"I still relapsed two weeks after" oh no

oh no please don't show it

OH THEYRE SJPWING IT DONT FIGHT PLEASE

did he just tell nick to fuck off? oh my god

NOOOOOO

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT TORI AND NICK

9h my god

ohmtmgkd

bro this isn't good

oh my god

"he's seen me at my absolute rock bottom and hasn't run away screaming" AND HE'S NOT GONNA! #FutureHusbands #FutureDads

TEN YEARS IN AND HAVING MARITAL PROVLEMS OH MY GO D

BRO I WAS *KIDDING* WITH THE HASHTAG

geoff is so funny though I love him

OH. OKAY.

"more energy" yeah that's what we're calling it now huh

geoff's knowing look lmfao

bro I love geoff

ELLE IS IG FAMOUS OMG

not a radio interview? oh god

seeing charlie play the drums again has me emo (prob also nick's thought process)

THEYRE SEEING SEXY JACK MADDOX

oh they're kissing

oh they're Kissing™

they're like fr kissing oh my god they're GOING AT IT STOP IT SLUTS

WHAT

"and it's obvious we both want to" okay I am LIVING for this change from the book

WHAT WHAT

WHAT

NO YOU HAVEN'T?

YOU'VE DONE NOTHING

WDYM OVER THE CLOTHES CHARLIE YOU HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING AT THIS POINT

WH A T

it is Incredibly Extremely Hilariously accurate that the one aroace in the group actually wants to hear all the details nskfjsofjdofk most ace people I know are *so* nasty so this tracks so much

TAO I SWEAR

FIERY PASSION STOP ITJFKGJDLGKLDKG

"we've all heard the story" god I know this man called them up the next morning like I'M NO LONGER A VIRGIN

WHY ARE YOU INTERESTED IN CHARLIE'S SEX LIFE AND NOT MINE SKFISIFUSOFUDIGUDOGUFOGIFOGIFIGIDKG

WE KNOW YOU LOVE SEXY TIME

oh my god they're so annoying

but I gotta pause because I need like

a moment

wdym nick and charlie have "not done nothing" like this is a huge deviation from the books. not an unwelcome one but I've been psyching myself up for this because I love them but they're my babies

so hearing this is so..........

like over the clothes is still sex isn't it

like "IT'S NOT LIKE WE'VE DONE NOTHING" CHARLES?

oh..... I wasn't prepared to see the scars

haha ha haha hah ha

PLEASE DON'T BREAK ANYTHING OR BE SICK ANYWHERE KSJFKDFJDKFJDLFJ

"that sounds like a note for imogen" "HOW DID I GET THIS REPUTATION" oh I don't know baby how did you

okay

nick and imogen vs charlie and sahar......... loving this actually

bro nick and imogen being groupies together tho :(

oh mh god babies

O

OH

MICHAEL

MICHAEL HOLDEN

MICHAEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

oh my god

how is that literally michael im in tears

MEOW - MEOW - MEOW

okay elleargentupdates we get it you love your girlfriend

LETS GO ZAHEANEY

"what I do know is I don't wanna keep hurting you" oh baby girl

"you made me realize something pretty big about myself" "I guess I could say the same about you" oh my darlings :(

also is that immy admitting that she's also into girls bc, love that

"we'd be awful together" NO YOU WOULDN'T GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER

"I like us better as friends" oh babies

NOT BABY IMOGEN AND SAHAR I'M GONNA CRY BABIES

"is it sustainable? I'm trying to do my bit" JSKFJSKFJSKGJDKGK IMOGEN I LOVE YOU

god I love them I still want them to get together

CHARLIE ISAAC AND TAO ALL DRUNK TOGETHER SKFJDKFUDKFJF

NOT CHARLIE ON NICK'S LAP AAAAAAAA

GOOD 4 U I'M DUIGJFKDJGLDKGLD

joe personally texted olivia for the rights to this song I know it

TORI AND MICHAEL AND THEIR DRINKS IM GONNA LITERALLY RIP MY ARMS OFF

[rips clothes off and runs down the street] SPROOOOOLLLLDDDEEEENNNNNN

oh

'business or politics' yea sounds like imogen

oh Tara baby no

TARA NOOOO Bby

oh my god???

CHARLIE?????????

oh my god charlie is so good

bro nick looking at them with that face..... bro's thinking "yeah that's my future baby daddy"

"that was amazing" "I'm so drunk right now" kskfldjfkdjfkdjgld

"don't ever leave me" "wasn't planning on it" oh man they're gonna wreck me next season

charlie seems so cuddly like this :(

"I've been thinking about something" "what" "you and me" OH DONT SAY IT WHILE YOU'RE DRUNK

WE COULD DO THINGS???

NO HES NOT SAYING IT WHILE DRUNK

"WE COULD HAVE SEX" NOT WHILE YOU'RE DRUNK CHARLES

"I think about it all the time" "yeah, so do I" oh you horny little miscreants

"that was a long time ago" fr it's been almost a year like let's be so serious

NOT WHILE YOU'RE DRUNK CHARLES

yeah nick exactly

oh he's trying to use liquid courage :( charlie no

"OH SHIT" lmao honestly

"and then we were in the kitchen and..." CHARLIE'S PANIC FACE LMAO

TORI AND MICHAEL WAKING NICK AND CHARLIE UP

bro all I want from life is nick/charlie/tori/michael like please give them a sitcom I want all 4 of them and nobody else

"I can make egg on toast. you look like you need egg on toast" responsible parent michael holden

NICK AND CHARLIE LOOKING AT TORI LIKE THAT SKFKDKFJFKF

nick gets to tease her too they've bonded for life! favorite in laws ever!

the way nick looks at them kills me, that man has his eye on them the way he had his eye on tao and elle. he's manifesting

"ready to meet the love of your life?" "you're so jealous right now" kskfksofkdof oh nick baby

oh elle baby

oh

oh wait no

BRO WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS BITCH

"well, your speaker last week was transphobic, then" GO OFF ELLE

what the fuck that was so fuckin nasty

oh elle baby

oh my god elle's parents are the best im gonna cry

oh elle baby

NOT THE COPPER JOKE SKFJDLFKDLFKDLGKD

oh my god that was the single most embarrassing scene I've ever watched

what the fuck that was AWFUL IM DHINGKDKFKDKFLDKFDL

Jskdjslfjsldk NICK

yeah I love you Jonny boy but I'm not gonna be watching that scene again

oh

OH OKAY

OKAYYYY LETS KEEP THIS ENERGY GOING

oh charlie no

oh

HANDS ABOVE WAISTS MISTERS

ohhhh

OH FUCK

oh right. charlie's house. open door policy. horrifying.

but thank god bc charlie was making me so nervous

"you know I really fancy you. infinitely more than jack maddox" broooo

I really love the way they included jack maddox in this episode tho like. as a way to bring up unrealistic body standards and all that shit

"I want you" if that man looked at me like that and said that to me i would literally faint

but yeah, please god not at charlie's house lmao

oh the therapy session :( I love geoff so much he's so sweet

"there's free condoms at reception" lmao oh my god

aw the birbs

god what a fun episode. AND I HAVE MICHAEL NOOOOOWWWWWWWW. I love this show *so* deeply*

[biggenefan]

The Secret Life Of Me - part 1

OKOK iknow it's cringe but!!! I'm making a wreck it ralph fan fic with my OC!!! buckle the fuck up party people and get ready to read the aboniation that is my fanfiction.

* * *

I woke up from a night of partying. Of course it was a bad idea to go out the night before work, but bad choices are in my nature. And now I'm paying the ultimate price- a hangover at work, and dealing with loud children. Everyone's dream job.

"Thank GOD work dress is casual. I would NOT survive a corporate job!" I say as I tease my black emo hair. I put on my Waterparks hoodie and ripped jean shorts. My stripped red and black socks and some cute emo accessories. This was my signature outfit, and it made me stick out like a sore thumb.

Working at Litwacks Arcade always had its bennefits. The pay was kinda shitty, but the free food and casual dress made up where money didn't. Most places turned me away on basis of how I look, but Litwack considered my style to be an asset. It made me stand out, and most arcade goers would recognize me easier because of my distinct features and outfits.

I check the time, and race out to my car. My shift started in 10 minutes and I've still yet to leave my house. I pull out for my drive way and speed down to litwacks. Road safety? What's that? Like I said, bad decisions are my middle name.

"Astrid! You made it! I was starting to think you would show!" Litwack greeted me jokingly. I was normally there 15 minutes early, but due to my hangover I was running late. I put in my best work face and smiled

"Hi, litwack, ready for another day in paradise?" I say with a laugh. He returns the setiment with a laugh and nod.

And the day started.

* * *

I'm doing a final sweep up of the place. The arcade had closed and litwack was finishing his polishing of the machines. He always made sure that they were in the best shape and condition. As he's finishing up, he turns to me.

"Astrid, I'm gonna have you close up today. I want you to finish cleaning and when you're done you can lock up and go home."

"Alrighty! That works out!"

And with that, Litwack was out of there, and I was left to my own.

On nights like these, I'd give myself an extra hour to game on the consoles. Nobody was around and I had free-range of all of the games. So I headed to my favorite one- Wreck It Ralph. It had been a favorite of mine since I was a young kid, and playing it always brought back memories.

As I walked towards the machine, I realized it had a glow about it- a glow that I hadn't seen before. It had a cyan aura and a soft hum that called to me. A part of me felt weirded out, I knew it wasn't normal, but I couldn't walk away. I needed to know what this was. Bad decisions were something that was second nature to me, when my head screamed no my impulse screamed yes.

The aura glew brighter and I grew closer.

"INSERT QUARTER"

So I did. And as I put it in, my vision went dark all around me. Next thing I knew, I was laying on the cold, hard concrete surrounded by voices. I raised my head to see where I was, and I was met with a group of small people surrounding me, and a man with a golden hammer

"Ma'am, are you ok?"

"...I think the mushrooms I took are kicking in..."

[m4rs-ex3]

i feel there's a stark difference between one's favorite season and the season that was Made For Them

for me, season 6 is my favorite season because. come on

the animation

stella and sneezles

sorvus

viren's letter

rayla's Moments

the hilarity

hmmmm i think that's it just kidding oh my god rayllum. like. CMON. i know s3 is a fav for everyone (as is for me) and i'm sure that has something to do with it being very good but to me it's just rayllum like that makes it. s6 has everything rayllum; the beautiful friendship, the precious pining, and the romance and intimacy that make me giggle and kick holes into my wall

all that being said...

season 5 was Made For Me. it will forever be my favorite in my heart

now that i've made my priorities clear, allow me to begin with rayllum. them in this season is just.......... dear god. maybe it's the juxtaposition between season 4, but their bond is the most special thing in the world. i love feral making out as much as the next guy but this aroace coded type of ambiguous unconditional love kills me dead. they still have their precious pining and down bad behavior, but they don't need that. they don't need to kiss for us to be able to see that they're each other's entire world. and fuck just. like. the fist bump. the inn. i'm glad you liked it. 5x09 "look at me." i hope you know. it means i trust her. rayla catching him. 5x09 handhold. even i don't have the power to stop those two. i'm glad we can be here together. it's an old wound that's healing. just push me. your elf girl. you completely lost yourself. just let her go. the punch. i'm okay. i am. i would do anything for you. have i made myself clear

right other stuff uhhh

soren and rayla

kim'dael, kazi, nyx, villads - ugh all the best side characters

viren dark magic coma. baby soren and harrow and pain and all

the beyond gorgeous scenery

the way we were just FED in a way never before seen (yes mostly rayllum) like this was the season when we realized "oh the writers KNOW us"

all of callum's angst

to that degree, finnegrin's wake. sometimes i wonder if i actually even like this episode because i can't watch it without a legitimate visceral reaction and it makes me want to rip my hair out, but yeah no i am so so so grateful beyond belief that this episode exists. at one point or another i think i've said everything that can be said about this ep so.. yeah

i think the most important thing is the nostalgia. the feeling i associate with s5. i love season 4 now but after that traumatizing experience where the only fandom space i had was goddamn reddit, the thought of this show just made me sick to my stomach. i had loved this show and now you're telling me it's bad?? (<- no, young me, reddit is telling you that. you ate that shit up and you know it) but when season 5 promo started coming out it just made me so excited, even though i tried not to get my hopes up. and then the fire nation attacked it surprise dropped and to be appropriately dramatic, it changed my life. i don't tend to look at past periods of my life fondly, but july 2023 just feels like the happiest time of life even when i know it wasn't lol. that hyperfixation just felt so good and discovering the fandom and making the friends was just the cherry on top of an incredible season. sometimes when i get hyperfixations i am very eager for them to go away; i don't want this thing to consume my every thought when i know it won't last anyway. but not with tdp. i was so scared for when it faded. and then it never did. so yk basically. season 5 is just happiness to me.

OK WHAT HAPPENED 😭 sorry y'all i got emo and life story-y ANYWAY season 6 is technically my favorite but season 5 is my Child

12 Days until Season 7!

What’s your favorite season of TDP so far? What do you love about it?

[orionsangel86]

Deciding I couldn't wait to listen to Act 2 of The Sandman on Audible, I decided to just jump in and read the comics instead. I have consumed them at a pace far quicker than I thought I was capable of and have finally reached the end of the Worlds End books. The Kindly Ones is next. I know whats coming, but I can't bring myself to read on. The end of Worlds End left me with such a deep feeling of dread and melancholy, just like the guy at the inn, looking up at the giants in the sky...

The end of Brief Lives hurt, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it through The Kindly Ones. I wanna storm into Destiny's garden, rip his stupid book from his hands and tear out all the pages.

These dumb comics made me fall in love with that silly emo boy endless dream king more than the show ever did. My brain has gone and Castiel-ified him and I HATE myself for it.

I can't read on. I've hit an impasse. I need the ending to change... how many times have I complained on here how much I loathe tragedies.

Sigh.

As someone who generally doesn't like comics, these comics are fucking superb. The story is SO beautifully crafted. This is next level story weaving and how could I have expected anything less from Neil Gaiman really? But I NEED him to change the ending.

***Spoiler alert***

The whole way through this story so far there has been this idea that those who resist change die, that those are your options: you must change, or you must die. There is all this foreshadowing about change or death, and there are all these hints to different paths taken and choices made, I wonder if Neil was in several minds about how the story would end whilst he was writing, and in the end, he chose the tragic path. Dream couldn't change enough to prevent his death, it even seems, from what I have read so far and what little I have spoiled myself, that perhaps he even welcomes his death? Now that just wont do.

I don't know all the details of what comes next, but I do know the ending, and I don't like it. The one thing I keep clinging to is Hob's last dream, and the hope that perhaps that means that Morpheus isn't actually dead at all, but just free of his duty, free of his role, and out there somewhere, with his brother, at peace and happy. (Yes I already spoiled myself and read the comics with Hob and everything from the Ren Faire through to the dream on the beach had me sobbing even though I didn't know what had happened before)

I am almost certain Sandman will get more seasons at Netflix (and if Netflix don't renew someone else will snap it up - hopefully HBO) so am sure there will be a point in the future when these later stories are adapted and my god I hope they do change it, somehow. Even if everything still happens to lead to his death, i would need more emphasis on Hob's dream to basically confirm that he was still "alive" somewhere, that he was free, that he was happy...

That's my wish. Until then, I will go immerse myself in ridiculously sappy happy fluffy fanfiction I think. Thank FUCK for fanfiction!

[probablyscreamingintothevoid]

To my friends that don't understand why I love Eddie Munson (or whoever is reading this....)

That's valid. You didn't really know me when I was a little emo kid. You didn't know how fucking proud I was that the other kids in my class never understood why I was the way I was. But I was an edgy, wanna be emo kid dude. I did weird shit for the attention because, if I am being honest with you, I didn't know how else to get it. I've mostly outgrown that now.

You've gotten close to the version of me who forces herself to communicate even though it's a challenge and it isn't always perfect. The person that types this today is not the same one that identifies with Eddie, not really. I've grown and changed and healed and broken apart just to have to do it all over again. This me? I understand why you are confused. She is pastels and glitter, aesthetic wallpapers and pretty anime boys hung up in her bed room. She is crop tops and perfectly painted nails, the color pink, a bubble tea popsocket, and soft indie acoustic music playing in the background as she writes. She is living authentically for herself and for others, in hopes that no one she meets will ever feel as alone as she once did. She should not identify with Eddie. But she does.

I remember once in middle school someone dared me to dress in the gothic fashion, make up and all and I did it. And this other 8th grade was like, "You know that doesn't make you pretty right? No one will like you if you dress like that" and I was thrilled, dude. Beyond thrilled. 

And that's where I identify with Eddie. I was happy being the "freak". I didn't want to fit in. Fitting in and later being rejected? That was scarier than never fitting in at all. I never gave people the opportunity to get to know me because I had been hurt before - I had no interest in doing it again. I kept my walls up, hiding in dark clothes and angry music, straightened hair and chains on my pants. I didn't want to be approachable because I did not want to be approached.

You can still see that part of me now, it's just less edgy and more, me??? It's softened, like I have, with time. But that was such a big part of me for literally so long. My two aesthetics battle with each other to this day. They always will. I have learned to simply give them both time to shine.

And I don't know. I think seeing Eddie reminded me that the broken, angry, nonconforming version of myself will always be here. And I'll always love her. I've accepted her, given her the love that she always needed and didn't get from anyone else. Helped her to understand that should could like pink and ripped jeans, dark make up and soft music. She could be two multiple things at once, while still being herself. It was okay if she liked things everyone else did, and it was okay to like things that no one else did too.

That's how I identify with Eddie. I saw that freak and my little, once lost heart was so happy. I wanted to be Eddie, a part of me still does, and I think it always will.

I hope that makes sense. And I don't mean to imply that Eddie is broken, or people who identify with him are damaged in anyway. That isn't my intention. I am speaking of my own experience, the things that I loved once and the things that I love now and how I can look back at them and see my own journey of self love and self discovery so clearly. But that's not me saying that I think someone like Eddie should change. Not at all, in fact. I love him. I love the part of me that identifies with him.

I have connected with other characters and I hate it because they highlight the parts of me that I am still learning to love and accept, the parts of me that I am trying to not think of as weak but still feel as though they are. But I love my connection to Eddie. The girl who loves him is strong, and I hope he continues to connect with a whole group of people who have desperately waited for a character like him.

If you made it this far and you don't understand me any better than when you started that's okay. We can't always fully understand each other, but we can love and accept one another, and that's all I ask. Please don't hate someone for loving Eddie as much as I do - for loving anyone to that capacity, you never know what part of that person the character is able to reach, and maybe it's a part that has feel alone for a really, really long time.

Be kind.

[nastymeowmeow]

Gonna pretend to be normal today. It's like reverse Halloween, right? Look pretty on the outside, but a total fucking hurricane on the inside. I tried to delete the photos of her in my phone, but that felt shitty.

How do you just delete someone? What the fuck do I do with these photos? I don't want to look at her face. Every time I see photos of us together or random creep shots I took of her while she was in her happy place, I literally physically want to vomit.

Like a gut punch from god damn hell.

Thank Gary for Google Drive. I'm just gonna dump all of our photos into a file online and leave it there. Like burying a time capsule, but nobody can dig it up and steal your homemade porn before you go back to retrieve it one year later.

Yeah I know that's specific, but I speak from experience. You're welcome, whoever stole my porn. I hope you go to prison for possession of child pornography because I was definitely 16 when I made those.

I'm definitely going to delete all of the sexy and naughty things I did, though. Gross. I really hate it when I do naughty things and then I have to look back on them later. Like cool Sandy, you are one desperate slut for sending these to your girlfriend. Needed attention and validation that bad, huh?

I know that's mean to myself. I would never say or think that towards anyone else. In fact I love getting nudes and sexy videos. They're special. Not so much when they are from the past. Like awesome I love being treated the exact same way you treated your last fuckthing, but it's still hot. Just not as cool as getting your own personalized special nudes.

God I'm fucking salty today. It's just part of the mourning process I guess. My friend told me to treat the breakup like the grieving process you go through when someone dies. I guess technically my girlfriend did die. In a way. Weird.

I don't think I'm doing it right though.

It is supposed to go in this order: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

I definitely went for Denial first. I knew she wanted to break up weeks ago. I saw it in her eyes the night we went to Boise to play magic. Everything was off. My heart was already breaking a little bit, just by feeling the energy shift. Call it intuition, but I knew she was already there. Then I gave her space, even though I was scared. Even though I knew giving her space was going to help her break up with me. Every woman does this. When they want to break up. They ask for space. They wait for things to fester and they distance themselves. To soften the blow when they finally get the moxie to "rip the bandaid off." I tried to tell myself maybe she won't. Maybe she'll feel better, but I knew better. I've done this a hundred times with other people.

Then I went in for bargaining. Skipped anger and went straight to bargaining. Asking her if I could just be there. Telling her I'd rather put my needs completely to the side if that meant we could stay together and work through things eventually. Asking her if we could just focus on her and put our relationship on the back burner for as long as she needed.

She rejected that. Then I went straight into depression. Scroll down for a novel of sad girl garbage. Being emotional and emo is so embarrassing when you have to re-read what you were thinking. Like god, Sandy. Get over yourself. There are people being firebombed to death in their own homes just for existing and you're over here crying because you can't handle a little bit of Bipolar Disorder and a really clean breakup.

Now I'm just angry. Not at her. At myself. At life. I'm just angry that I'm stuck here on this stupid planet in this stupid body living my stupid life. I'm angry that my brain can't just stop being Bipolar. I'm angry that one day I want to die and the next day I feel immortal. I'm angry that I'm never going to feel normal. I'm fucking angry.

It would be super cool if I can just skip over to acceptance now. Here's a fucking selfie. To remind myself that yeah. I'm an angry fucking basket case. An absolute wreck of a woman, but at least I'm hot.

[kais-room]

Half of my story

BEFORE YOU READ THIS POST, JUST KNOW THAT IT IS VERY TRIGGERING AND MAYBE GRAPHIC AND IT CONTAINS PARTS OF MY LIFE STORY LIKE I SAID LOTS OF TRIGGERING THINGS INCLUDES R@PE, PREGNANCY, CHILD LOSE, ABUSE AND MORE.

I'm sorry.... I'm so very sorry.

I feel fucking pathetic, like a burden, like a "waste", an empty vessel at times and I feel so very lost not just in my mind but in the world I live in. I really am selfish always thinking about myself and what I want and need...it just took me a few years ago to realize people have fucking issues just like I do...pain, struggles,  trauma and so much more...but it never actually clicked in my head until now...and I'm sorry. With all my soul I am. All my life I've felt like no one was there for me. Like no one ever heard me when I spoke, no one ever truly understood me or what I was ACTUALLY trying to say, not just because the words that were coming out didn't exactly match what I was feeling inside but also just because I truly felt like no one ever understood me no matter how much I talked, no matter how much I told my story. My family is nice but extremely judgmental and I'm mainly talking about my immediate family because I don't talk to anybody else but anyway there is just, so much drama, trauma and pain... so much pain.

I've told some people things, mainly just venting about my present life but not about my childhood and growing up and a lot of you don't know and I talk about how much pain I'm in in all the bad thoughts but nobody knows what's going on and I would like to explain that a little bit I really don't even know where to start.. I guess I'm just going to start off with I truly feel like my childhood sucks, when I think about it there's so much I can write but at the same time I'm sitting here like do I really want to put that in this post, and the answer is no so I won't but I will say that in my teens my middle to late teens I found out, well we found out that my mom has bipolar disorder, with manic depression and let's just say growing up with that was like hell if I'm being honest. And living with Nana when I was younger and a little bit in my teens it was nice and I love her so much but her way of thinking and just the things she says she didn't realize that she was truly hurting me, she used to tell me not to eat so much because I was getting chubby or she would always mention when I had gained or lost any weight, I developed and eating disorder and I thought it was in the past but I guess not. I remember when I was in my late teens I was getting dressed in front of Nana and she told me that I should wear a bra because my boobs were too saggy for my age and that my boob should be perkier and that's been in my head ever since she said it and I have been so so self-conscious about my weight and my body. Back to my mom, well there was lots of yelling, lots of hitting, lots of accusations of things that a parent shouldn't accuse their offspring of, like when I first got my period on 5th grade I was 11/12 and I hid it cause I was scared and when she found out (saw my underwear) she accused me of losing my virginity and completely went off, whipped me with a studded belt (the cute 2000s emo ones, it was MY belt) and ruined a very personal binder I had full of all my favorite things or like having sex at a concert when I was 15 because the fishnet she let me borrow wear ripped, I was fucking crowd surfing and in mosh-pits and when I tried to tell her I had got hurt (elbowed in the face by some grown man and had my chest stepped on cause that same guy made me fall in the mosh-pit,) she thought I was lying to cover up that I had sex!!! She pawned my stuff with the promise of me getting it back and that usually never happened, there were lots of false promises and lots of broken hope. Let's not forget the manipulation in the fact that she was a narcissist, I truly hate it because it feels like the only way I know how to communicate is through yelling or arguing and I can never stay calm, it's like I'm my mom and I truly do hate it I really fucking hate it. I do not want to be her, I do not want to be like her at ALL. Unfortunately I have picked up a lot of things from her during my childhood and her being really my main guardian besides Nana but I was usually with my mom and we moved around a lot and there was lots of yelling and I've seen her get beat by men, we've been evicted so many times, having lights and other things get cut off, having the car break down side of the road multiple times throughout my life, being evicted, living in cars and hotels, her being a "functional coke head" she doesn't do much but she does it and I know about it and she still does, her always yelling at me for something literally anything the smallest thing and I see myself doing the things that she did to me in relationships or with friendships or really anybody who gets close to me and I guess that's why I subconsciously I push so many people away and I'm sorry because I guess maybe somewhere deep down I feel like I'm truly not good enough, not good enough for anybody not even myself because I don't know if you know what the fucking crazy part is it's that I don't know why I feel this way but I know that I do and it hurts so much.

I had a best friend when I was 10 and he was 13 we met at the pool, some people may see an issue with that already (our ages) and whenever I start to tell this story a lot of people seem to I never understood why until multiple people explained it to me(sorry, tons of people have told me I'm slow, ditzy, and very naive and or gullible), and I guess my family was happy because I didn't have any friends and he was really nice and his family was nice they were great actually, well this kid with my best fucking friend, everyday we would hang out outside together and he would sometimes wait for me to get off the bus and we hang out we'd hanging out the parking lot lots of stuff you know kids stuff, but there was a lot of none kids stuff as well, he did a lot of things to me and I never told anyone. When we were older, when I was 18/19 he r@ped me, in my Nana's house on the couch.. And you want to know the fucked up part about that, a few years later I still wanted to be his friend because even after everything he put me through he was the only person I really knew like that the only person who had did my life consistently for years and I didn't want to lose that, I really hate myself because who wants to be friends with somebody after something like that like what the fuck is wrong with me and why do I ruin every single relationship and friendship I have or have ever had?

When I was 19 I got into a relationship with a guy by him blackmailing me, it was a really horrible situation but we started dating and I met his family they were really nice and stuff, off that I'm going to tell you my first red flag was when they told me that they were shocked that was there because they never thought he did a black girl, anyway I'll continue with the story, so it was a very very toxic relationship, one of my most toxic relationships I've ever been in also one of my first more serious relationships as well. I'm going to just skip a lot of it and get to the main part I want to talk about we broke up around Mardi gras time back in 2017, like a little bit before that and he asked me to come over for Valentine's Day and my dumbass said yes and they got all dressed up and pretty and shit happened and two weeks later while I was visiting my family in New Orleans my period didn't show up and so I just didn't think anything of it because I have PCOS that's not the first time I period's been late, but it was still late by the time I got back home and I had started throwing up so his sister got me a test and it was positive, I'm going to fast forward a lot of toxic crap and say that I had a miscarriage and and I remember everything so vividly and I remember everything that happened that day, it was April 17th 2017 and that day will forever be in my heart. I was around 11½ weeks going on 12 and I remember being excited because I was hitting that 12 week mark‼️ well anyway ❤️‍🩹 during the hospital visit I had to get a D&c, and while I was in the room after everything that happened, he, my ex was complaining that he wanted to go home, because he was bored and he wanted to play his PlayStation now let me remind you that I had just suffered a miscarriage from my very first pregnancy after years of me thinking that I could not get pregnant, I just had a D&c and everything from my waist down was completely numb because of the procedure, so obviously that really fucking hurt my feelings and I also remember him telling me that I probably wanted this to happen and that I didn't want my baby and that I lost them on purpose and for years he was trying to find me on social media different platforms trying to add me and telling me that he wanted us to at least be friends if we couldn't work anything out but he always protested that I never wanted my baby and that I lost them on purpose. This was before the miscarriage and even me finding out I was pregnant this was actually one of the reasons we broke up before but I remember him telling me " okay yeah just go back over there so you can get r@ped again" after I told him I was going to go visit my Nana's house for about a few days to a week And that's in my head as well.

I filled with so much pain and so much heartache for years I've had people who I saw were friends that tell me that I complain a lot and that I'm always thinking about the negative and that I can never see the happy things in life. Well I'm sorry I really care my head and heart is always so much pain before so much sadness and anger, I get angry so fast birthday heating because I've NEVER mean ANYTHING. It's truly just anger and venom just spewing out of my mouth coming out faster than I can think and arrange words and sentences in my mind. When I think about it when I truly stop and I'm calm and I think about everything it's exactly what my mom used to do, it's how she used to yell at me why was younger and it makes me feel like shit because I don't want to be that person I don't want to be like that.... I don't I really don't..I don't want to.

The problem is, I have such crippling anxiety, and social anxiety that being on the internet, my phone, makes me feel so safe and it's like I can talk better sometimes anyway, but it's definitely easier expressing myself there's a lot I left out but I wrote down the things that I thought were truly truly important.

And now I'm wrapping up and going towards the end and I would like to talk about my mental health. I know I need therapy but in order to get therapy I need money. In order to make money I need to work. In order for me to work that means I have to be social which is something I've never ever really been good at and if anybody who has made it this far can help me I'll find a way to make it up to you somehow, even if it's just talking to me everyday and getting me used to talking to somebody I'm not sure I don't know. I don't really have friends and I don't want to offend anybody who may consider me a friend by saying I don't have any friends at all. I'm not sure if I do but if you consider me your friend then thank you so much. Working is difficult for me, just like being in school was extremely difficult for me. These things bring me the greatest amount of anxiety in my current adult life and I'm not sure how to fix for work around it, I'm 25 years old and I've had approximately three to four professional jobs you know the ones that pay you direct deposit. I'm not really sure how to manage like life I guess I know how to do some stuff but I'm lost on pretty much a lot of things. A lot of things seem really difficult and challenging and extremely overwhelming for me I feel like I'm this child trapped in an adult's body sometimes like I don't know what's going on and I'm trapped in the sense of my emotions and vulnerability I guess for lack of a better words. The last job I had I kept having anxiety attacks and everything was so overwhelming for me and everybody was so rude and I really couldn't take it I truly want to work on my art for a living if I could do that it would be amazing I would love to work on my art, making stickers out of my own art and prints and canvases with my paintings and different things I also want to continue my bath bombs and bookmarks and digital art! The only issue is I'm not sure where to start.

I also do enjoy sex work and having an only fans but the problem is that no one will subscribes or it's hard to control my temper especially on days when I don't feel like talking to anybody I guess you could call them manic days I'm not really sure to be honest like their chooses days when I just don't feel like doing anything at all not talking to anyone or I'll wake up with just an attitude for absolutely no reason like I don't know why I'm just upset/ mean that day, and there are days when I'm great I'm happy and I'm cheerful. I'm not sure what to do with my life, and the fact that my body is in pain and I have sight restrictions with what I physically can do sometimes on and off doesn't really help especially if I am trying to find actual work if SW doesn't work like I need it to because just because I enjoy it doesn't mean that it will help me with anything that I need financially...

Physically speaking my back is easy with causing me a lot of pain, I also have a reoccurring cyst it's called a pilonidal cyst and I've had it since the end of 2017/start of 2018, and I actually have one coming back now, which sucks because I'm currently on my period for the second time this month and I am also sick.

If anyone has any tips or anything I can do please let me know what it is. Whether it's emotional help, financial help, physical help. I do not mind drawing something for you, like a commission just let me know!!

Thank you if you have read this far, thank you for reading parts of my life story.

[skzfaker]

oh wonderful!! wooyoung yelling "my son" is one of my favorite moments too. lol I'd scream about my ult and the performances he gave during kingdom but I don't want to reveal myself, I will simply be shrouded in mystery 👻 it was so excellent having both ateez and skz there, I enjoyed it tremendously

👀👁️👀 we'll see what I do! Planning on starting the fic after finals are over lol. I have exactly a week and then I am free

I AM YOU LOL. we're the same person actually. Wolfgang was such a cool concept but I agree, vampires ftw

jskdkfks for the music stuff, thank u :') I rly love music quite a lot, it just Connects with my brain haha. I'm not going to say exactly but there's a rather cursed version of a stray kids song that I transposed and then posted om Tumblr. It's a song in a minor key and I made it in a major key. It's horrible. It's awful. It's wonderful

as for other genres, I rly love rap and classical. Lmao quite the difference, huh? I also like rock a whole lot. The band Paramore is 10000/10

And I haven't done any covers of ateez yet rip, it's quite hard to and also I'd have no groups/orchestras that would play them so I don't rly see a reason for why I should write them. Also the rap parts are harder to transpose 😭😔

AND YEAH I'LL SHARE W U MY PC COLLECTION HAHAH. it's actually quite easy to get photo cards, I use Mercari and buy them from there. I have so many of My Boy he's just very neat

who do u think My Boy is?

- 🎅

awww true tho - my friend (who's a fantasy) and i used to stream the episodes live together and rooting for more than one group was fun! seeing her react live to SF9 wearing jeans of all things on sports day was almost as entertaining as sports day itself HAHAHA.

eyy can't wait! i'm still counting down the days until i can take a vacation too, and in the meantime, also planning what to make for the person assigned to me...yes after making how many graphics last week i'm kinda burned out ( ;∀;) also these are the graphics i made for both my esports team/tumblr namesake and my jpop group bc ngl i'm proud af of them HAHA 👀

...okay i'm sorry but i read "cursed" and "stray kids song" and i immediately thought of hip fuck sin (soz han) HAHAHAHA. now i'm REALLY curious about what your transposed song sounds like tho...i've heard major songs transposed to minor keys before but i don't think i've heard the reverse. i'm 1000% sure you're right tho - it's bound to sound wonderful (≧▽≦) if i dig through your blog, will i find it? oooh and what song did you choose?

AHHHH I AM YOU INTENSIFIES. I LOVE ROCK TOO! and omg paramore - i still jam to their songs to this day, though my ult group is my chemical romance. man, this combined with being past twihards - we never grew out of our emo phases, have we.

oohh i hope you and some band friends can work to cover an ateez song one day. ngl an orchestra version of...idk - inception or pirate king, maybe - would sound EPIC. though yeah i wish you luck working out how to do the string versions of the rap parts lol. if you had all the people you need available, what song would you cover first?

nice - i get my stuff from mercari too! ...just not the PCs i guess HAHAHA. i got overwhelmed seeing the complete collection of all skz PCs since time immemorial - i don't think i can catch up with that anymore ( ;∀;) to make up for it tho, i'm thinking of just printing some of my graphics and keeping them in a binder for the lolz. the danceracha posters i made is on the list of stuff to be printed, and definitely the skzoo game of thrones banners. speaking of merch tho...are you going to preorder skz's seasons greetings? or do you have ateez's bought already?

okay i asked my atiny friend who she thinks your boy is, and she guesses it's mingi because that's her boy HAHAHA. how off the mark am i/is she?

also random question for today - what's your favorite skz MV?

[dreamrena]

Took a few days to write you another essay, whoops. So the disclaimer here now that I've outed myself as a..."professional"...is that the actual stuff i listened to most this year were albums that i had sent to me by publicists for work and therefore didn't get factored into my wrapped. Future essays will def come to your inbox @ofherlionheart

3. "Hardline" by Julien Baker

Tbt to when i wrote a review of this album and my editor had to cut an 800 word rant about how Julien Baker is the platonic ideal of emo's evolution in the year of our Lord 2021 (which...if you're interested in — in light of the great pop punk renaissance of 2022 — i can send you, haha)

6. "On the Ground" by Rosé

The song that made me finally check out Blackpink. Also, we love an anti-chorus, babeyyy!! Made me think about writing a trend piece about the restructuring of the radio-friendly pop song over the course of the last five years (where the main hook in the chorus is instrumental), which seems to have started with Bieber's "Where R U Now" in...2015? (I don't feel like looking it up) and truly reached peak ascendency with "Blinding Lights"

9. "Lost One" by Jazmine Sullivan

Album of the year, babeyyy! Adele is truly the knockoff, White Jazmine Sullivan. Don't listen to store brand R&B, friends, get yourself the real deal. (Also this song hits the indie-crossover sweet spot because this muted filter on the guitar is 1000% a sonic signature of Phoebe Bridgers)

12. "For Sale: Ford Pinto" by Rosie Tucker

Best god damn song about a panic attack since Courtney Barnett's "Avant Gardener"!!!! (Also funny as hell — "Time is a trash compactor, I’m feeling pressed"? Five stars 10/10)

Ahhh fuck it, here's my elevator pitch for the whole album because in an ideal world, they'd be so popular on Tumblr:

"I can't believe I'll die before becoming a frog," Rosie Tucker sings on their superb third album full of effervescent melodies and squiggly guitar lines. It's a funny one-off until you realize it's a triple-layer metaphor about the shape-shifting nature of the self, the limits of desire and the endless march of time. But that's Sucker Supreme in a nutshell: breezy, brilliant, tender, playful, paranoid and hopelessly human.

(there were so many great songs this year that spoke to trans experiences, it made me so hopeful! more art about the weird experience of having a body and commodifying identity! CC Halsey's "i am not a woman I'm a god")

15. "The Thrill" by Wayne Snow

Weird electronic noise makes brain go brrrrr

18. "Hard Way" by Flock of Dimes

My electro-indie rock queen Jenn Wasner. She's really the whole fucking package of melody, lyrical narrative, vocal delivery, and production — which, most Good Songs only have three, if they're lucky! Whole album is sublime.

21. "Just a Lover" by Hayley Williams

God, my faaaaaaavorite thing is when artists close out an album with a 6+ minute song that rips a massive guitar solo or goes off the rails into distorted chaos. Lucy Dacus' "Triple Dog Dare"? Japanese Breakfast's "Posing for Cars"? Phoebe Bridgers' "I Know The End"? (listen, I'm not saying I'm personally responsible for the insane guitar-smashing discourse after Phoebe Bridgers played SNL — but her team at Dead Oceans *did* only release "i know the end" as a single after i called it the best song of the year in a major music publication last June. So.)

Billie Eilish, you're on thin fucking ice for sequencing "Happier Than Ever" second-to-last on your album and ruining this pattern for me

24. "Out Loud" by Remember Sports

I love this band's name, hahaha. After hearing the scream on the last chorus of this song, you will never again be satisfied by a lead vocalist phoning it in.

(Also lol @ so many of these songs being about breakups and relationship strife because...have never related)

27. "Party's Over" by Half Waif

I listened to this song so much at like, 1 am when i needed to work the next day but couldn't get to sleep because my spirit is fundamentally incompatible with working in hard news (which i did for half of this year, ugh. Anybody else's job require them to contemplate the worst of humanity on a daily basis and still expect you to stay sane enough to edit someone's shitty copy? No?). Real sad girl hours

30. "Storm in Summer" by Skullcrusher

Another excellent band name. I don't often put on music for the sake of listening to it as background noise and quieting my brain [insert 10,000 word rant about art, capitalism, and the way that Spotify is conditioning the masses to treat music as a product, as "content," and therefore dehumanizing the people who create it — CC Mitski's "Working for the Knife"!] but i wish i had a whole playlist of songs that sounded like this

So. There's a peek into my brain when i listen to music, which, even while ostensibly using Spotify for purely recreational listening, i somehow find myself incapable of turning Work Brain off.

lmao okay now i wanna know your spotify wrapped, multiples of 10

lmao babe you are TESTING my math knowledge!! also wtf i wanna know yours, too — how abt ur multiples of 3 up to 30?

10. no pulp by chong the nomad (srsly friend the POWER the INFLUENCE you had over my music this year. be proud lol)

20. idol by bts (love rm's shirt in this vid lol)

30. adios by hoody ft. gray

40. intro: persona by bts

50. when i grow up by yaeji

60. outro: crack by bts (**also love the intro of this album)

70. calvaire by spill tab (**i didn't discover santé by spill tab until the last few weeks but i LOVE it)

80. fake love by bts (**gotta mention that 79 is ricky bobby by rei ami b/c i fckn love that song. she deadass screams in the background of the first verse lol)

90. devilish by jean dawson

100. trivia 承: love by bts

[tamiddyinyourcity]

7:32pm.

Ass is getting fat as hell. Obnoxiously so... Dreams do come true.

Monday, April 20th of 2020.

I feel bad. But, better than I did earlier, since after a nice hot shower, scrubbing all the muck from around my eyes and anywhere else that a normal human being would scrub in a shower, my skin is hyper soft, and smells like shea butter, oatmeal, and is soft as FUCK from olive oil and general moisture.

It's a shame that my vibrator comes in the mail later tonight, and here I am, accidentally having a matching cute bra and panties set on, softened and oiled up, with no one to show it off to.

Plus my ASS IS FAT, if it wasnt already made clear to yall. Damn, nonstop steak and brown rice pays off.... And the occasional snack sized cookies. Aye.

Organized my closet by color and style, organized my shoes, moved an entire dresser by myself.....

Despite waking up at 8am and only stopping my ovulation-fueled-fap session at 3pm, I still have thing to be proud for. Nice clean room, and much more.

7:46pm.

IT CAAAAAME, IT CAME IT CAME IT CAAAAAME AND NOW IM GONNA CUMMMM ....

Whoohoo, I have to resist my urge to rip it out the box right away.

Ovulation is no joke after 2 to 3 months of quarantine... Not only is it the longest I've gone without sex for so long now, but its always hard as hell. Since wow, any other time, I can hit up a hot dude online and flirt, or if desperate, visit Marco, (strictly condoms since I do not need emo 5 foot 4 sized children in my bloodline all since i temporarily wanted some manlet chode,) but oooooooh noooooooo, a goddamned COUGH that can kill ANYONE is out on the loose.... And, thus, annihilating my clit and thinking about any sexual encounter ever, with my body heat on high, and really really really needing satisfaction.......

Is my route thus far.

My other stuff from the website doesn't arrive for another week or two. So the HyperRealisticDongDongDongDongDong (why cant i ever call them by their normal names) isn't until May.

I like to acknowledge the fact that I would have never purchased a sex toy in my life, if not for the fact that men aren't easy to get during quara-- actually that's a lie, they are really easy. They're easier to catch than the disease, and think wiping their ass is gay, what makes you think I'd wanna fuck a man who is KNOWINGLY still out and about right now????

Marco did intrigue me heavily with the offer of food, dick, a movie, and my toes sucked.... (He's a good fuckbuddy, since I don't have any real respect for him, for so many many many reasons, but he still will come clutch with food and dick every blue moon or four weeks.)

But no, I wasn't gonna risk someone coughing on a public transportation bus, or a train, or another train, or a doorhandle, or just without covering their mouth..... Horny or not, I didn't need extra problems.

And of course me and Rowan have solidified our friendship ending, which is a little sad. He is a really nice guy, but also a jackass, and a dumbass, so I hope to stop feeling so bad eventually.

Ironic that the start of our fun online FWB thing, which was specifically to help keep me distracted and comfortable, started with me agreeing mainly since I had on matching underwear that I felt like showing off. (Then he sent me an unprompted dick pic, luckily i was not super repulsed, then a little bit of fun had ensued.)

And now, about a month later (almost exactly I think,) here I am, with the vibrator he bought with me, matching bra and panties, and ovulating like a motherfucker, without the convenience of a friendly guy willing to help me bust a nut, or him, and resolve my dilemma.

It wouldn't be hard to find one, but its hard to find an attractive and tolerable one.

Ah well. At least Rowan was good while it lasted. Things were getting too tense, and I helped nail the coffin on the dwindling friendship, with lack of accurate communication or resolution happening, by some of the last cruel things I'd said to him.

He wasn't hurt by many of my comments, outside of the patchy beard statement. (Telling a man that he's gonna keep being cheated on or ghosted by his shitty behavior doesn't shock a self aware man, but pointing out his poorly growing facial hair, thats definitely the last straw. /s)

Not much to say other than, "Thanks for that cool nut video and the small instances of joy", and then moving on. We probably could've resolved things by talking, but I had no idea how to bring any of it up.

.....

I'll just say, I did genuinely like the guy, and anyone who thinks otherwise would be a fool. But what would benefit from a situation where I am getting attached, and they're absolutely not on the same level whatsoever?

That's why I left my ex so suddenly, for fucks sake. I don't enjoy situations that will never work for my benefit.

Might leave Rowan one last message. Didn't want things to go this route, but fuck it, nigga was irritating me and vice versa.

It was running its course.

I hope he and his patchy beard fuck themselves.

......

Not sure how I feel. Not exactly regret or guilt, moreso "Shame this didn't simply get told by one person or another sooner their perspective, especially since leading me on set me up for some huge disappointments and mild resentment that showed obviously during the end talk."

I'm gonna use the vibrator, have a nut, and use my tears as lube. Jk. Maybe. Maybe not. Im not sure.

8:26pm. Someone is singing happy birthday outside my window. Niggas cant social distance, i see.......

But, cute.

Gonna go.... do something. Peace yalls. Talk later.