#from them now only makes me feel miserable because i was suffering horrors and was literally right about everything and also nothing has

[doppel-doodles]

That illustration is making me want to slam my head against solid concrete, Art block said no, and I know when to pick my battles so fuck it we ball-

A normal post about Matthew Hallard from Poppy Playtime

I briefly mentioned this in the Jack post, the fact that I didn't think I had anything new or particularly interesting to say on Matthew as I always thought the Fandom had a lot of the bases covered.

But the more I actually thought about him, the more I wanted to talk about one thing in particular:

Let's talk about Doeys tape.

In game we find a vhs tape recorded by Doey, talking about how he almost ditched everyone in favor of running away, ultimately deciding to go back for them instead. It reveals a lot about how he truly feels about the responsibility that has been given to him.

I think it was so important to include this and the reason why is quite simple:

It humanises Matthew for me.

Why I point him out specifically is due to reasons I mentioned in my other analysis, Jack's control is mostly passive, Kevin only really comes to the forefront when he feels like there is a threat to assess or deal with and it has been confirmed that Matthew is the oldest of the children as well as having been a leader of sorts since he was still a human child, so in the tape it's basically him venting.

Which is great as it makes something crystal clear: He is not a perfect saint.

Matthew is a teenager who has been parentified from an incredibly young age, places immense pressure on himself, is suffering from more burnout than a college kid and not to mention the horror that is his current existence and life-

He doesn't WANT this responsibility, he only takes it on because nobody else will or can.

And nobody even thinks to ask him ONCE how HE is doing, no,no it's him who has to do that, he is not allowed to have breaks.

For godness sake he literally tells us in the tape that he is recording it because he feels like he can't talk to anyone about his problems!

The toys- The children having someone like Doey or more accurately Matthew is not a guarantee, it is a privilege but it's a privilege Matthew needs to!

And you rarely ever see kind characters COMPLAIN about having to be kind all the time, truly looking after everyone else drains you, it's exhausting to fulfill the needs of others, more often than not you'll have to put aside your own and when you really pull the shit end of the stick you get more complains then appreciation for your troubles.

It is such a CHORE and I think a character struggling with being so selfless actually can have such a massive impact instead of just being able to handle everything, it's that tiny bit of realism I love.

Despite how exhausted and miserable Matthew was over being stuck in this position in the end he turned back. Because he loves his friends that much, and he should get massive props for that.

And to think he still did so much but didn't think anything he did was good enough is just painful, like no honey you are enough, more than enough-

Also Poppy having once been the leader makes you think that maybe Matthew might have been hurt the most by her disappearing.

Like her leading was the closest thing to a break he ever got- and then she just up and disappears?? And it's all up to him now? Not to mention the concern? The worry??

Boy it speaks volumes that he doesn't seem to display more hostility towards her considering Poppy doesn't even EXPLAIN herself on why she left or why she couldn't come back.

He is even civil in discussing the fact that she demands for them to be okay with being blown up(also correct me if I'm wrong but didn't Poppy also include in her plan that SHE will get to live? If I heard that I would be flabbergasted.) But that's something I should discuss in another post.

For now that is everything I have about my boy, if you want to see what I have to say about other characters here is Kevin annnnnnd Jack, plus some extra stuff on Doey

[yokumirumerafan]

WAIT HEAR ME OUT! I imagine Y/N having an illness called "Gixet syndrome" {funny ass name} (a rare syndrome that grows inside her body, not only BLUE SPIDER LILIES but also HEALING HERBS that can instantly heal and revive someone so I think it's lucky for the demons and humans I guess? ) AND the KNY characters just now knew this when Y/N started coughing flowers,feeling unwell in her house, laying in her bed, and both of the mythical plants slowly started growing inside her because the syndrome causes when Y/N is feeling miserable and depressed. Now I wanna know what's THEIR reaction? (begging on my knees to Add Tamayo and Yushiro along with the demon slayer characters and the demons- if that's okay for you-)

OKAY SORRY IF THIS IS LONG YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE TO WRITE IT IF YOU WANT- I HOPE YOUR DOING OKAY FELLOW SHRIMP!! GOODBYEE -Shrimp 🦐 1# fan of Kyojuro, Gyomei, and Hotaru.

Let’s tackle this “Gixet Syndrome” (funny name, tragic vibes), and the emotional chaos when everyone finds out what’s happening to our poor reader 😭💐

🌸 GIXET SYNDROME: CHARACTER REACTIONS 🌸

🩶 You start coughing flowers, collapsing from fatigue, your body sprouting blue spider lilies and healing herbs whenever you're miserable… and no one knew until now.

💉 Tamayo Her eyes widen in pure horror. How could she have missed something so critical?! “...This shouldn’t be possible…” she whispers, shaking hands pressed to your forehead. Treats you like a living relic but also like her dearest patient. Does research night and day; no sleep. She refuses to let this take you. If you're crying, she holds your hand and says: “We will find a way. Your life matters, Y/N. You’re not alone in this.” 🧪 Yushiro “Why didn’t you SAY anything?!” Gets snappy, but it’s out of pure panic and guilt. He's lowkey crying in the other room but pretends he’s just “venting frustrations.” Pledges himself to helping you just like Tamayo does. Glares at everyone like: “If you upset them and make it worse, I’ll kill you. Gently. With style.” 🌸 Hashira + KNY Gang 🔥 Kyojuro “This is no ordinary illness…” his voice breaks a little. Immediately brings you warm food and sits by your bed every night. Holds your hand while you sleep. “You will not suffer alone. I promise.” Tries to cheer you up constantly—even burns his hand trying to cook soup. “I may not understand it, but I’ll fight it alongside you!” 🙏 Gyomei Silent tears while he prays by your side. His hands tremble as he senses the unnatural life growing in your body. “Why must one so kind suffer so deeply…” Offers silent comfort. He believes your heart is too beautiful to be extinguished. 🔨 Haganezuka Looks like he doesn’t care at first. But then violently forges a gift blade infused with protective runes and healing ores, just for you. Leaves it at your bedside with a note: “Don’t die. You piss me off too much for that.” 💨 Sanemi He’s pissed—at the universe, the syndrome, everything. “Why didn’t you TELL ME?!” Punches a wall. Then sits by your bed awkwardly, refusing to leave. Whispers, “You’re annoying, but if you die I’ll never forgive you.” 🐍 Obanai Stiff. Silent. Eyes glued to you when you’re unconscious. Brings Kaburamaru to curl around you—believes his presence can stabilize you. Talks to you quietly when you're asleep: “Don’t wilt. I’ll give up my own blood if it means keeping you alive.” 🐗 Inosuke “WHAT ARE THESE PLANTS DOING TO YOU?? I’LL RIP THEM OUT!!” Tries to physically fight the syndrome (please someone stop him 😭). Sleeps in your room like a feral gremlin to keep you “safe.” Cries when he thinks no one’s looking. ⚡ Zenitsu SOBBING. LOUDLY. Tries to make you laugh with dumb impressions. Buys you 1000 flowers because “y-you like them r-right???” “Y/N-CHAN YOU’RE SO STRONG PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME I HAVEN’T EVEN MARRIED YOU YETTTT 😭” 🦷 Genya Shuts down. He doesn’t know how to deal with grief. Sits outside your window and guards your house 24/7. Has a whole mini shrine where he lights incense for your recovery. “I’ll protect you. Even from something I can’t see.” 🌙 Demons (Muzan + Upper Moons) 👑 Muzan Stops everything. Still. Silent. Staring. “...You are the cure and the death?” He’s obsessed. Offers to take you away, “protect” you from your own emotions. “You’re suffering? Let me take it away… permanently.” (He’s willing to preserve you in a glass box if it means keeping you from dying.) 💢 Akaza Loses it when he sees you coughing blood and flowers. “Who did this to you?!” He doesn’t get it at first—until he realizes your sadness is causing this. “Tell me who hurt you. I’ll make them disappear.” 🌙 Doma “Ohhh~ how delightfully tragic~!” BUT he's obsessed. Wants to keep you close. "Sadness makes you bloom, huh~?" Offers to “cheer you up” with weird cult nonsense and smiles 24/7 to prevent the symptoms from worsening. “Darling, I shall be your personal sun!” 🔥 Kokushibo Rarely speaks, but he is furious that your own emotions are killing you. Sits silently near you like a stone statue. Leaves silent offerings of rare items, hoping they ease your pain. “This world is cruel. But if your heart breaks again…I’ll carry the pieces.”

Ok I caught myself simping for Hotaru.... HOW I'M SORRY BUT HOW CAN A COUPLE REQUESTS FROM YOU MADE ME QUESTION MY ENTIRE SEXUALITY HUH? YOU WANNA EXPLAIN SM OR WHAT? BECAUSE BEFORE I HEARTLY BELIEVED I'M A NATURAL LESBIAN AND NOW THAT'S UNDER CONCERN FOR ME.

[the-deranged-lunatic-askblog]

Como se llevaría woodsman wirt con beast wirt? Desde un principio normal no?

Question: How would Woodsman Wirt be with Beast Wirt? At first it would be normal, no?

Well- you see, there are a lot of versions of beast wirt! And some of them had different personalities, and since they have different personalities, that could give us different dynamics!

Generic Beast!Wirt is basically a compilation of all the general characteristics most people usually give him, like being tall, serious and having the Beast's antlers. At least, this is the common patron I have been seeing.

At first, Hunter would be horrifying

It would be more of the fact that he usually doesn't see other mythical beings like the Beast. But imagine meeting another version of yourself who looks not really human, and worst, he looks like your abusive father . Hunter thinks he is a beast already, just he doesn't look similar to the beast because he is "a different kind of beast" (His way to say he is a horrible person)

Seeing beast Wirt would be a reflection of himself... And he hates reflections

Tho, it scares him at first because even if he admires the Beast, he doesn't want to be him, not at all.

Now we have some other Wirts!

Beast Wirt from the fanfic "Long Begun Burdens"

Hunter manipulating a humble and innocent Beast Wirt who is genuinely good

But since Hunter hates people who have a better life than him, he would do anything to make them feel miserable just as him, or worse.

@wirtpilgrim Beast Wirt! Or more known as Edel!Wirt

Hunter suffers the guilt but thanks to the beast he finds conformt in the misery from others

But seeing another version of him who got it worse, it proves to him that not everything was that bad, that he doesn't suck that much

Tho he can be sympathized to them.

Beast! Wirt Divorced dad! From @iluminaughter

If Beast Wirt would help him, and (as the beast did) take the role of an adult figure in his life, then Hunter would be a loyal follower of them (Like he did with the Beast)

The beast Wirt!? More like the BEST Wirt!

(Of course I imagine Beast Wirt wouldn't take it too much)

Beast Wirt from @axepng

This is my personal favorite; THE DUO WHO CAN'T STAND EACH OTHER

Hunter and Beast Wirt nearly tolerate themselves, they DISPATE each other. Hunter does it because he is jealous that Beast has friends even in a worse state than his, and Beast doesn't like him because Hunter doesn't treat him well neither

But instead of fighting each other, they just made sarcastic and nasty comments to each other to express their hate for each other other

But... Hunter is ignorant of how bad Beast Wirt has it. He wouldn't realize until it was too late

Hunter sees someone he used to know, being consumed entirely by the unknown itself. No return back, no way home, only a twisted creature of the person he used to be

And not only that... Hunter sees

The most realistic mirror of his own mind.

One of my version of Beast!Wirt hehehe

Hunter being tormented by the idea, the concept, the simple possibility of a Beast Wirt

How much he lost by now, and wondering in horror how much he would lose now. Beast Wirt is this... creature who seems to be only in dreams, nightmares, even sometimes in the same room, but a thing that doesn't stop remaining.

Another version of Beast!Wirt from my authority!

Beast Wirt being this elegant and superior being who doesn't stand this rat (Hunter) screaming and vaging through his garden

Hunter tries to talk with him all angry and loud but Beast Wirt just simply ignoring him, he has more important things to do.

Secret option @axepng FORGIVE ME-

Secret option: Enemies to lovers

They say they hate each other so much and then when nobody is looking they just... You know HEHEHE

_____________

IM SO SORRY FOR POSTING THIS UNCOMPLETE BEFORE! IDK WHAT HAPPENED BUT IT JUST POSTED AND THEN I HAD TO RUSH IT AND AHHHHHH

Ejem, anyway

I hope you guys liked it! Had a good night, bye!!!

[thoughts-and-ideas-and-reblogs]

Helen of Sparta: A Horror Retelling

I honestly think a story told from the viewpoint of Helen during the Illiad would be an interesting concept since it's written that she actually came to hate Paris and herself for their parts in the war and only wanted to go home by the end, and to me this feels ripe for a psychological horror story.

This story should be one showing how trapped Helen really is. Everyone in Troy blames her for the war, and there are constant riots that need to be suppressed as they call for her and Paris's blood, so she can't leave the palace without a full guard who secretly despises her as well. However, she also can't flee to the Greek camp because there's every chance they may kill her since she would be seen as an adulteress, willing or not, and those were punished harshly. Meanwhile, Paris is just a fool-hardy fop who claims to love her deeply but never really thinks about her. His words are all about what a beautiful prize she is, and he tends to ignore how heartbroken and miserable she really is with him and even acts annoyed when she tries to tell him. His sisters and mother are even less forgiving since they see her as a vile temptress who is leading them and their country to their deaths, and none of them are impressed by her abandoning her daughter, Hermione. The only reprieve she finds is in Hector, who understands the actual blame lies in his foolish brother's actions and that she has no way of fighting against the gods' judgment. An added benefit is that because Hector truly loves his wife, Andromache, he isn't attracted to her, and she feels she finally has a true friend in him.

However, despite her friendship, that does not wash away the guilt she feels for the many lives ended or ruined by her abduction, and this leaks into her life.

In her dreams, she sees the many soldiers on both sides who died in her name. She sees her sacrificed niece, Iphigenia, who coldly stares at her. She sees the faces of the women and girls who were ruined by this war and enslaved to be playthings.

She hallucinates her daughter, Hermione, who is still as young as the last time she saw her. She imagines her sister and brothers looking at her with disappointment. She thinks of the betrayal Menaleus must've felt and the many wives and families left in Greece while their husbands fought to retrieve her.

She remembers the many Trojans chanting derogatory names directed at her despite her divine and queenly heritage. Can they be blamed, though? She brought the war to their door and now they suffer for it. She knows of many women who have lost their husbands and sons who fought to keep them in the city and protect their homes from facing the nearby villages' fate.

I think these ideas are where the author or illustrator can go crazy with the imagery to show how horrifying and suffocating her situation is and make the reader sympathize with her plight. Of course, she is not truly to blame for the Trojan War, but this would give her a greater voice, humanize her, and give her some complexity lost in various adaptations of the Illiad.

[angelpink610]

Shadow Work is NOT meant to be easy or comforting;

Guess it’s about time that we talk about this!

This is a reminder to myself and to anyone that might need it—the ones who feel like it’s only bringing them down, that it’s making them feel miserable or bad. Let’s clear up some things.

Feeling down in the moment is the best sign you can receive that IT IS WORKING! Shadow Work is the courage to look at the parts of yourself you despise the most, you fear the most, you are embarrassed of the most. It’s not simply acknowledging that bad things happened to you, it’s experiencing them all over again but now straightening up your back and looking right to its face.

I, myself, also am someone that's still learning about it and have been experiencing hard times throughout it. Sometimes I feel unmotivated and down, also lately I had noticed my sleep was a bit more inconsistent and I have big dark circles. Well, I know that saying this is probably going to scare some people even more away—and I understand the unsettling feelings! But the way that I see it, it’s like anything great in life: takes time, heavy work and some sacrifices.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sacrificing my entire life because of it. I workout every single day, keep my mind active, go to university, all normal. But some minor sacrifices are the price we pay for lifelong healing. My personal experience’s greatest example of sacrifice is how much emotional energy it actually takes from you. I swear on my word that sometimes when I look at the notebook I use as my Shadow Work journal, I instantly feel kind of “off vibes”, like the energy that it has is unsettling—but, here’s the thing: it is!

The energy that it requires to heal your deepest traumas, pains, griefs, obviously wouldn’t be super light and nice. Your words carry the pain you felt, some that you still feel, the heaviness of its result on your life (maybe years, decades of constant suffering, even); it’s pretty obvious that the notebook that carries them wasn’t gonna be all warm and fuzzy.

It’s not easy, guys. And I know that, at this point, you might’ve already realized that, but I want to remember us all of something: it’s in adversity that we are able to grow. You are capable of living through this healing process, you are capable of surviving the dark before the light, you are capable of facing your monsters and returning with their heads on a stick. But you HAVE TO BELIEVE IT.

Live through the suffering stage of the process like the champion you already know you are. Don’t give up when you suddenly burst into tears during a meditation session where you talked to your younger self. Persist when you have to stop and take deep breaths at every few sentences you write when you are journaling about a traumatic event because it feels like it’s too much. Hold onto it tighter when you live all over again the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.

One last time: I’m not saying it’s easy or simple (in reality, those may be some of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do through your entire life, perhaps). But I do mean it when I say you’ll understand why you had to go through all that once you reach the light on the other side, and your scars will be the forever reminder THAT YOU ARE A SURVIVOR.

The same way a lot of kids are not scared of/don’t see evil in certain horror imageries until they are told that it is scary and choose to follow that thought—we should learn from them as adults and finally understand: monsters are only monsters when we give them the power to haunt us.

[anneangel]

Bilbo's actions with the ring were quite reasonable:

Bilbo almost stopped breathing, and went stiff himself. He was desperate. He must get away, out of this horrible darkness, while he had any strength left. He must fight. He must stab the foul thing, put its eyes out, kill it. It meant to kill him. No, not a fair fight. He was invisible now. Gollum had no sword. Gollum had not actually threatened to kill him, or tried to yet. And he was miserable, alone, lost. A sudden understanding, a pity mixed with horror, welled up in Bilbo’s heart: a glimpse of endless unmarked days without light or hope ofbetterment, hard stone, cold fish, sneaking and whispering. All these thoughts passed in a flash of a second. He trembled. And then quite suddenly in another flash, as if lifted by a new strength and resolve, he leaped. No great leap for a man, but a leap in the dark. Straight over Gollum’s head he jumped, seven feet forward and three in the air; indeed, had he known it, he only just missed cracking his skull on the low arch of the passage. - The Hobbit

Bilbo was able to feel pity for Gollum and put himself in his place.

"Pity? It's 'pity' that stayed Bilbo's hand (...) Pity, and mercy: not to strike without need. (...) And he was well rewarded, Frodo. Notice how he suffered so little from the evil [of the Ring] and escaped in the end, because he began to use the Ring with this. With Pity. (...) and (...) The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many.” Gandalf said. - LotR

Yes, after, Bilbo decides to disappear like a joke during the party, as a prank, but it is quite justifiable, the people were talking bad about Bilbo, that he was weird and had weird visitors, and still many coveting and gossiping about his money and the comforts he had at Bag End. They made horrible comments about his adopting Frodo too, and about Frodo himself.

It makes sense that Bilbo would want to disappear in front of them, it's symbolic when we want to disappear in front of people who make us feel uncomfortable, people who have spent years calling him 'Mad Bilbo'. It was an expected joke from Bilbo, it was him being ironic! Just as gifts from him were ironic. An example:

For MILO BURROWS, hoping it will be useful, from B.B., on a gold pen and ink-bottle. Milo never answered letters. - LotR

When Bilbo leaves the Ring, he gets angry with Gandalf for a moment and becomes almost aggressive, but see that in the end it is he who OFFERS the ring to Gandalf:

'Well, if you want my ring yourself, say so!' cried Bilbo. 'But you won't get it. I won't give my precious away, I tell you.' His hand strayed to the hilt of his small sword. (…)

(...) Gandalf answered. 'And I am not one either. I am not trying to rob you, but to help you. I wish you would trust me, as you used.' He turned away, and the shadow passed.

(...) He seemed to dwindle again to an old grey man, bent and troubled. Bilbo drew his hand over his eyes. I am sorry,' he said. 'But I felt só queer. And yet it would be a relief in a way not to be bothered with it any more. It has been so growing on my mind lately. Sometimes I have felt it was like an eye looking at me.

'Then trust mine,' said Gandalf. 'It is quite made up. Go away and leave it behind. Stop possessing it. Give it to Frodo, and I will look after him.'

Bilbo stood for a moment tense and undecided. Presently he sighed. 'All right,' he said with an effort.

(...) 'You have still got the ring in your pocket,' said the wizard.

'Well, so I have!' cried Bilbo. 'And my will and all the other documents too. You had better take it and deliver it for me. That will be safest.

''No, don't give the ring to me,' said Gandalf. 'Put it on the mantelpiece. It will be safe enough there, till Frodo comes.

A spasm of anger passed swiftly over the hobbit's face again. Suddenly it gave way to a look of relief and a laugh. 'Well, that's that,' he said. 'Now I'm off!' - LotR

Bilbo was strong enough to overcome his desire for the ring and turn away for it.

And Bilbo almost attacking Frodo in Rivendell upon seeing the Ring? Yes. Right. But, It's Bilbo who asks Frodo to keep the Item:

Bilbo looked quickly at Frodo’s face and passed his hand across his eyes. ‘I understand now,’ he said. ‘Put it away! I am sorry: sorry you have come in for this burden; sorry about everything. - LotR

He acts pretty decent for someone in possession of an evil object. And if he's one to be ironic with his relatives, they provoked him first!

There was a great commotion, and people of all sorts, respectable and unrespectable, were thick round the door, and many were going in and out—not even wiping their feet on the mat, as Bilbo noticed with annoyance. If he was surprised, they were more surprised still. He had arrived back in the middle of an auction! (…) would sell by auction the effects of the late Bilbo Baggins, of Bag-End, Underhill, Hobbiton. (…) most of the things had already been sold, for various prices from next to nothing to old songs (as is not unusual at auctions). Bilbo’s cousins the Sackville-Bagginses were, in fact, busy measuring his rooms to see if their own furniture would fit. In short Bilbo was “Presumed Dead”, and not everybody that said so was sorry to find the presumption wrong. (…) The legal bother, indeed, lasted for years. It was quite a long time before Mr. Baggins was in fact admitted to be alive again. The people who had got specially good bargains at the Sale took a deal of convincing; and in the end to save time Bilbo had to buy back quite a lot of his own furniture. (…) Many of his silver spoons mysteriously disappeared and were never accounted for. Personally he suspected the Sackville-Bagginses. On their side they never admitted that the returned Baggins was genuine, and they were not on friendly terms with Bilbo ever after. (…) he was no longer quite respectable. He was in fact held by all the hobbits of the neighbourhood to be ‘queer’—except by his nephews and nieces on the Took side, but even they were not encouraged in their friendship by their elders. I am sorry to say he did not mind. (…) many shook their heads and touched their foreheads and said “Poor old Baggins!” and few believed any of his tales. - The Hobbit

He had been really lonely the last few years since he had returned from his adventure, or holiday, as liked to call it. A large part of this was due to the fact that he had been definitively rejected from the respectable community, not that he cared that much about it, but was quite a burden to have faced everything he had been through on his adventure there and back again, to be a hero to other folks and peoples, an Elf-Friend, also a friend of dwarves and humans, who rode Eagles and rode barrels in a river (even without knowing how to swim), who spoke to Smaug the Dragon, and still survived a war, returning home to the Shire to receive the treatment of an pariah.

No one really welcomed him with joy, he came back safe and sound, after disappearing for 14 months, and it seemed like everyone preferred him dead. Imagine Bilbo, especially when he sat alone in his armchair in a house too big for a single Hobbit (one who used to like visitors and had lots of pantries and huge rooms that could fit a lot of people and he had a lot of clothes). beautiful to wear and receive them). Possibly the same respectable Hobbits he received as visitors before were the same ones who were not happy to see him return alive. Because they didn't care about him, nor about his feelings or his safety and well-being, they only cared about his money and possessions, envying his comfort and home. And they gossiped about it for years, making him look like "Mad Bilbo", when they were the ones who were petty.

And yet, remember, Bilbo adopted Frodo of his own free will (because Frodo was his favorite cousin, according to the book, it is the others who gossip and invent ulterior motives in a malicious way and this is also in the book), And Bilbo teaches Sam reads, is kind to Gafer, is generous with the poorest families, throws lively parties with lots of food, welcomes Merry and Pippin to Bag End often and gives them enough freedom to see Bilbo things without him knowing. And Bilbo remained friends with the Elves, the Dwarves, the humans (he was friends with Aragorn, "Not all those who wander are lost" was coined by Bilbo in a poem, and has often been used since then to refer to Aragorn), and Gandalf, no matter what his neighbors thought of it or how often they found him and his visits "strange". Bilbo "was happy to the end of his days, which were extraordinarily long" - The Hobbit and LotR.

So yes, Bilbo is incredibly virtuous, even when tempted by the ring.

[llycaons]

reread ch 55 -56 : THEMES! OF! SEXUAL! REPRESSION! AND! SHAME! *clapping and cheering*

there's nothing in the next scene I want to particularly highlight but he's definitely become more open to and aware of his feelings of sexual desire since imuri moved in and that's on purpose on her end

OH BOY!!!!!!! this scene apparently got some pushback for being 'weird' but I support it as a writing choice! it's a bold move with thematic and character weight that pays off!

the glowing coming from it...😭

Fukayama does 'miserable shame' SO well. buddy :(

trying to read the bible...I wonder what those other books are and how many copies of the bible he has

last imaginings were various and non-specific but his next imaginings are ALL boob shots....okay no I won't make fun of him

there's real desperation here...the other part of dante's advice coming in handy

they're looking at him so he puts them all outside lmao...

I like how this scene progresses. it's extremely clear what's going on without any dialogue or internal monologue at all needed to convey priest's mental state or decision making process. the still is great too - an actual flashback would disrupt the silent, oppressive atmosphere

if this was ever animated I'm sure it would be endlessly giffed by both the most tasteless and creepiest people but anyway I think it should be totally silent except for the rain and his vocalizations

he's shaking so bad...aw buddy it's okay :(

it's a really great part of the series that he's horny. like I legitimately love that so much. it's normal! lots of people get horny! he's not a holy soldier made of stone, he's a regular teenage boy. and he gets horny

wow he really imagines a variety of situations like immediately. this is another point where the style really bothers me tho bc I feel like I'm looking at shitty cartoon porn 😭 everything is so exaggerated and almost infantile. and why do her boobs look so massive...

sees the aftermath of an expression of his own sexual desire involving nobody else and immediately throws up...this manga is so good

A LITTLE SELF-HATRED AND SHAME IS A BUMPON THE ROAD!!!!!!! HE'S STILL ON HIS JOURNEY!!!!! the dimensions that priest being transfem would add to this tho...like his intense religious repression and trauma and shame around existing as a sexual being would be even better...

actually tho I don't think this was a step forward after all. he just became more withdrawn and unhappy after this...

can't believe all she had to do was convince him to jack off...no I do not think this is a total victory for lust but priest becoming more and more close to his humanity HAS been weakening him so...maybe. and it actually is also distancing him from imuri because he feels so much shame about it and terror of hurting others and horror at his own desires...but that's not even from lust, that's from the church. I mean, partially. lust made it worse but they truly do pass horrors back and forth between them...

I wonder if it's like that for the other exorcists. I kind of doubt it bc the exorcists verge have been killing were corrupt for 'pimping'....and nicholas complains about dante being a 'womanizer' but never says it'll impact HIS power, only that the boy must never pick up his habits. I think regular exorcists have a lot more leeway, and the boy is a special exception spiritually

now I wonder if dante takes his own advice and does too...or if he's too miserable and focused on the verge issue post-2018...hmmm I am inclined to believe the 'jacks off alone and cries' reading <3 and fwiw I seriously doubt he thinks of verge's frozen-in-time body sexually at all I think he cries himself to sleep about it and about being too late and lost opportunities and betraying him instead

bel makes his appearance, we're in the sloth arc already! but how does he know now is the time?

SLOTH IS THE ONE PUTTING ON THAT OMELAS CHILD PLAY....oh you WOULD see a story about a child suffering and go 'oughhhh we need to end the world and kill ourselves' wouldn't you

I was so confused first read 😭 like 'damn, who could THIS be?' IT'S A CHARACTER THAT'S BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME, IDIOT! just...lurking in the shadows

god's most powerful soldier, felled by 'too horny to do domestic tasks'. sad!

for some reason this panel of him looks weird. too cutesy?

this IS kind of weak for rehab. also...does he not trust him? :(

dehumanizing :(

can I say something. Queen shit

also yayyy the witches!!!

charlotte really always looks pissed...

and she really always goes around without a shirt or pants, just that cape with sleeves and tights....enthralled by her choices

also I like how verge has a cute little smile even in the background and char's like :I

funny that he identifies indolence as the issue here but it IS the sloth arc...

he's couching it in language of practicality - and he's RIGHT, they can't keep using him like this and expect him to be fine - but I know he also heard about the situation and went FUCKKKKK this kid needs a break we have got to keep him off the battlefield for a while. they need a child therapist who isn't affiliated w the church onsite or something bc none of these people know how to deal w this

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for trying to make my best friend and girlfriend's lives better?

I (16M) have extremely powerful magical abilities that allows me to do almost anything. I often use this to do nice things for my best friend (17M) and girlfriend (15F), but as of late I've felt bad about how me using my powers for only minor things like giving them nice gifts have lead to them suffering horribly emotionally when I could help them, especially after an incident where I let someone I love probably get killed because of my girlfriend telling me not to use my powers to save her.

So my best friend also has the same powers I have, but he's been told his whole life, as I was told, that using the powers will make him "lose his soul" and turn into a violent killer. Unfortunately, a relative of his with the same powers did actually snap and kill most of his family, and because of this he is horribly traumatized and afraid to use his powers. But this is all not necessary because I've figured out a loophole where I put all my powers into a scroll so it's not me actually using it and it doesn't affect me, and with this ability I've been using the magic freely without being affected. He doesn't listen to my reassurances and stays miserable and afraid of himself, not doing all the good he could do for himself with his powers, and up until now I've respected that because I understand how traumatized he is. But I've also realized that his girlfriend (17F) is really unhealthy for him and contributing to his self-hatred. When we first met, she tried to kill me just for having powers, and she's hated and been suspicious of me ever since. It must be horrible for his self-esteem to be with someone who is so bigoted she would want to kill people just like him when he already has so many issues with his self-worth, even if she tries to tell him that he's "one of the good ones".

Then there's my girlfriend, who doesn't have the same powers but can see the future. In particular, multiple futures, all of which have a possibility of happening. She's also pretty miserable and anxious all the time because of all the horrors she sees, and trying to fix it all from such a young age. But a lot of the bad futures involve me becoming evil and doing bad things, so she's always watching and criticizing me to make sure I don't do that. Although I sympathize with her, I find it tiring because I wish she would trust me and understand that I have free will, that I shouldn't be punished for things I haven't done yet and I wish we could just live in the moment and be happy together. Plus I feel I've already sufficiently proved that I'm not going to be evil, because I deliberately sacrificed my own powers to put them in the scroll just so I wouldn't lose my soul, even though it meant the powers would no longer be mine and I would be vulnerable. Why isn't that act of love for her enough?

So, the things I tried to do to fix their problems: first of all, I sealed my friend's girlfriend inside a wooden doll, while faking a letter from her to make my friend thing she just left. No, she's not conscious in here, and I didn't kill her (reviving the dead is not allowed with my powers), so I can bring her back any time I want without issue after I figure out how to make sure she stops being a bad influence on him, so this is not the same as murder, it's just trying to make my friend finally happy! And secondly, I gave my girlfriend earrings that would make her only see happy futures, so she would be happy and not miserable with worry for once. I thought what she doesn't know wouldn't hurt her and she really did seem so much happier, but now they've found out about the earrings (they don't know about the wooden doll thing) and they are all telling me that I am evil now and this is the bad future, and I don't get it! I'm not killing anybody, I'm just trying to help them and I've succeeded in making their lives a lot better! But since they are insisting I decided to post here to ask if I was being the asshole.

[dumbermagic]

diakko WIP that i started a year ago and probably will never finish ft. werewolf (?) diana

It was almost morning when Diana threw open the heavy doors of the Cavendish manor and stumbled through the entrance, dragging a mixture of mud and blood inside, no doubt perpetually staining the centuries old tapestry that was probably a gift from some other noble family that she couldn’t recall the name at the moment.

“Anna would be so mad at me right now” she managed to think, letting out a chuckle that rapidly turned into a heavy cough, somehow worsening the dull ache in her muscles and the sharp pain in her shoulder. The pain, combined with her sleep deprivation left the young heiress’ (could she still call herself that?) mental capabilities quite limited, making her ignore the fact that her current physical state would be a way bigger horror to her old maid than some old dusty mat. 

Not that any of this mattered, anyway. Anna was not there anymore. In fact, Diana had been, for the last ten years, the single inhabitant of the manor, resigning herself to a life of solitude after all the other servants left.

After she made them leave.

And her aunt and cousins… She avoided thinking about them, about their fate, since doing so always brought back the painful memories filled with screams and blood splattering on the walls and mangled bodies hitting the floor and Andrew calling her name in panic begging her to stop no no no no NO.

The pain in her shoulder managed to bring Diana before she spiraled completely, reminding her of the damned crossbow bolts that were still lodged in her body. She pulled one out, barking out a string of profanities that would make every single ghost that still resided in the mansion blush, before letting her tired body slump against the wall, exhaustion finally catching up on her. 

She brought up the bolt closer to her face, noting how small it looked against her still furry and clawed hand, snarling to the memory of the smug look on Blackwell’s face when one of his hunters managed to hit her, making her movements more sluggish after a few seconds because of course the bolts were fucking poisoned. Her current affliction made her basically immune to it, but it was still quite a bother, so to speak.

It was a truly miserable situation, but so was almost every moment of her life since that cursed night, ten years ago. Living in reclusion, with no one but the old books in the library to keep her company, forever tormented by all the pain and suffering she caused to those who were close to hear, doomed to wander through the dark halls until the end of her days and-

“Diana?”

That voice, that in any other day would be equated to the most beautiful melody, now filled Diana with dread, cold running down her spine as she trailed her eyes to the figure holding a lit candle, still wearing one of Diana’s old nightgowns and staring at her in shock. Akko stood still, not moving a muscle and, despite all of the feelings that had been growing inside Diana’s chest since the young japanese woman forcibly moved with her a few months ago, she more than ever regretted the day she opened her doors to Atsuko Kagari.

It was… odd, being around someone, especially when you’ve been isolated for so long. At first, Diana thought of Akko as an annoyance who kept banging on her door every day saying that “I know you are a witch! All the folks from the town say that! I want you to teach me magic!”

An incredibly stubborn annoyance, that's for sure, but… There was also something else about her, about the way came back every day to the manor’s door, at first only screaming her demands about learning magic, but later on sitting against the closed door and talking about… everything, really. Her parents, her home, the friends she made across her travels. She talked alot about Chariot du Nord, the wandering witch who once stopped by Akko’s town and ignited the desire for learning magic inside her just by showing some simple illusions.

(Diana decided to ignore the fact that yes, those same “simple illusions” also had quite an impact on her, when she saw the performer as a child. But there was no need to tell Akko that just yet.)

Just after a week, Diana became accustomed to sitting by the door during the afternoon, hearing her new… friend? companion? talk through the thick wood, smiling softly at the sound of her voice and having to hold back her laughter when Akko would tell her about all the situations she got herself caught when traveling. 

At first it was just curiosity that drove Diana to hear the girl’s animated chatter, a mild interest on what was happening beyond the grounds of her estate. But Akko’s general optimism and her more than enthusiastic love of magic lit something inside Diana, something she thought was lost a long time ago.

So perhaps that was the reason that, during a terrible rainstorm, winds howling so loud even Akko’s screams could barely be heard, she found herself opening the door, quietly asking Akko if she would like to warm herself by the fire and apologizing for the unsightly state of her home

The dazzling smile and the brilliant red eyes that met her when she opened that door and seemed to be warmer than any fire could have any right to be sealed her fate: from this point forward, getting rid of Akko Kagari would not be an easy task.

Even after being alone for so long, living alongside Akko was so easy, so pleasant, that Diana couldn’t help to believe that it was somehow meant to be. Akko brought with her the warmth and the lightness that Diana’s life had been lacking in the last decade. It even affected the mansion: everywhere that Diana went there was a little something, a little piece of herself that Akko left in Diana’s home. In her eyes, it was silly, but Diana would feel butterflies flying in her stomach at the mere sight of two teacups forgotten in the living room.

(It took her a while to realize that Akko never asked Diana to teach her magic again, at least not since she took her in. It was almost like Akko was focusing more on getting to know her than becoming a witch, but that was a silly thought, right?)

But perhaps Akko’s presence in her life was affecting a bit of Diana’s sanity, for she found in herself the ability to chuckle even when said girl was currently kneeling in front of her, pulling the last crossbow bolt out of her chest and cursed under her breath while trying to stop the bleeding.

“I’m glad that one of us is finding this fun.” Perhaps it was the blood loss that was leaving her lightheaded, but Akko’s grumbles never looked more adorable than now, even if her hands were completely red.

“I was just reminiscing.”

“You better not be having one of those ‘seeing my life flash before my death’ moments, because I’m not going to let you bleed out on me!” The statement was delivered with Akko’s usual bolster, but there was no mistaking the slight crack to her voice or the way tears were gathering in the corner of her eyes. Diana raised one of her hands to Akko’s face, in an effort to comfort the smaller girl, but the sight of white fur and claws made her stop.

It was an unfair comparison, Akko’s beautiful features and Diana’s monstrous appearance. It looked wrong to even entertain the thought of touching Akko while having her body in this current state.

Almost as if sensing the change in her mood, Akko peered up at Diana, abandoning the bandagens when she saw that the holes in the heiress's shoulder were closing by themselves.

“Diana?” It was no louder than a whisper, but somehow it managed to bring Diana back from her daze.

A pause, no sound in the room other than their combined breathing, then Diana opened her hand wide, fingers so clawed and long she could almost wrap them completely over Akko’s head.

“Aren’t you scared?” Diana broke the silence, her gaze falling to the floor, before coming right back up as Akko touched her face.

“I am scared.” Diana could barely breathe under the intensity in which Akko was staring at her. “I was scared when I woke up in the middle of the night, your bedroom door was open and you weren’t there. I was scared when I searched this whole place for hours and I couldn’t find you. I was scared when you showed up, bleeding and barely awake, and I was scared that I was going to lose you.”

Then, in a surprising display of gentleness from the usually boisterous girl, Akko circled her fingers around Diana’s wrist, bringing it down and pressing a kiss against her knuckles.

“But I’m not scared of you. It might have been only a few months, but I know you, Diana.” Akko’s words were so filled with conviction and trust that Diana could barely hold back her tears. “I don’t know what happened to you, and you don’t have to trust me with it, seriously. But I have full, complete trust that you would never hurt me.”

It hurt. It hurt, the amount of trust and love, because what else could it be, to believe in someone else so blindingly, that Akko was willing to give her. It hurt because she was a horrible monster, and Akko deserved to know what she did, the crime that Diana committed and why she couldn’t accept this level of trust and care from Akko.

“I don’t… I don’t deserve this.” Tears rolled down Diana’s face, but she couldn’t bear to take away her hands from Akko, who was still holding onto them as tenderly as possible. 

[acepandemi]

Being the only geek in my immediate family is hard, and made harder in my case because my parents and aunt really, really dislike sci-fi, fantasy, and anything "unrealistic", and don't like how "obsessed" (their words) I am with those genres. All my life I've had to regularly suffer through admonishments how stuff like that will "give you nightmares", and/or "make you lose contact with reality". (*sigh*)

Mum is by far the worst, and also the least genre-savvy. One time when I was staying with them because I was sick, she walked in while I was watching The Fellowship of the Ring for the ump-teenth time (because I was feeling miserable and that is my comfort trilogy), took one look at the screen, and promptly declared the entire Lord of the Rings "awful horror!". Then she practically ran out the door.

(In her defense, she did walk in during the Nazgul scene on Weathertop, so I can kinda see where she was coming from. I also had the volume turned way up because this specific illness messed with my hearing for a few weeks, so extra trauma.)

Sometimes it can be rather funny, though, like this weekend (if in a frustrating kind of way).

I was visiting them for the weekend, and we were watching a game show. At one point the contestants had to identify real-world backdrops from famous movie and tv scenes. Like, they were shown a picture of a castle and had to idenitfy it as Highclere Castle in the UK, where Downton Abbey was filmed, stuff like that.

One of the pictures they had to indentify was of the colonades at St. Peter's Square in Rome, and the corresponding movie scene was from Star Wars (AotC, Anakin and Padmé's arrival on Naboo). The contestant guessed right, and they showed a few scenes from Star Wars, not just the relevant one. For some reason, they showed a scene with Mace Windu and Yoda in the Senate.

And I kid you not, Mum takes one look at Yoda and loudly proclaims: "Oh, ew, what a creepy figure!"

I laughed so hard! I was like: "Mum, I cannot stress to you enough how that is not the creepy figure in that movie franchise!"

(Dad has, as far as I know, never seen Star Wars, has zero interest in seeing it, and treats anything I say about it the same way he treats everything I say about sci-fi, fantasy, video games, and other geeky stuff: in one ear and out the other.)

(Also, for the record, the only thing out of sci-fi/fantasy that has ever given me nightmares (twice), is the Weeping Angels from Doctor Who. Now those are creepy!)

[numerobjectologist]

Coiny drags Pinior all the way across Goiky. He's looking for something. Pinior even questions if he'll keep her tied up forever. Coiny doesn't answer any questions. Instead when he gets to where he is going he stops and rummages around. Pinior tries to escape but still cannot see what they type. After berating Coiny some more he fucking snaps and starts yelling at Pinior. He yells about how he has to keep everyone together and that they don't deserve to suffer. And that any time he's miserable somebody else besides him isn't a target. That he's being a sacrifice and if everyone is happy he does his job well! I'm torn between Coiny being told it isn't his job and he sucks at it anyways only for her to run up to Pinior and say that its like Pinior doesn't even see him as a person! Or Pinior rebuttals with isn't he a someone? Not out of genuine belief at this point but more out of confusion as to why Coiny doesn't think she's a person. Either way Coiny responds "Shut Up!" And grabs Pinior's rim harshly, pulling it down. He stops. Coiny realizes in horror what he is doing and then bites into the hand so hard it bleeds. He wordlessly searches until he finds one of the BFDIA prize wheels.. she spins it and it lands on the one in BFDIA 5. Pinior is de-limbed. Coiny makes sure Pinior can't hurt anyone else before just.... Curling into a ball for hours. It's the first time Coiny has felt safe enough to actually show his emotions in a long long time. He just weeps. (Fun fact: I was a comic relief kind of person once. I just kept all my emotions inside because others got sad or upset seeing me cry. It never felt... Safe to. Still doesn't.) For hours. Eventually Coiny drags Pinior to the music hall. He's so spent. Pinior asks why Coiny did it and he snaps back "And what else was I supposed to do?! You tell me!" Before they eventually find the second wheel in the prop area of the music hall. He spins the wheel as he's done before. Pinior is given a way to move that doesn't allow her to harm anyone with god powers. Coiny goes back morosely (perhaps hooking Pinior up to a car battery if irony is your thing) and of course has to explain what she's done. But the others hail Coiny a hero. Besides Pin. Because this? It's unforgivable to him. Let Pinmod decide how it goes it's out of our hands ( we would ask to borrow Coiny ( the most favorable As the indignation of Pin would be far more real ) or get Pinmod up to the plan) . As for the motley crew? Left disfigured by Pinior's bout they try to deal with it. Pinior broke some Very important code and now M!As are kinda...less effective (until the fabric of the universe heals) no easy fix for now but reapplying M!A's can lead to things trying to be solved magically. Ship carries Maple and Pinior away with Spyglass as her eye patch. Later on Spyglass realizes she can hop from object to object but there's always something wrong with them some have no eyes. Some have too many. Some no mouths. Some are unable to speak and some unable to hear. Some have no arms and some have too many. Some of them have no legs but some of them have only legs. The only one that feels "good enough is the eye patch. You wanted a dysphoria analogue? You got one there. As for Maple and Leafior ? They've been reunited in the same body. This leads to Maple becoming obsessed with keeping Leafior Safe. If you go with the four wing thing then Maple would request arms and legs back. But freak the fuck out at any mention of separation. Major separation anxiety. In fact the Poinsetta plot can start to fix the fabric of the universe so things aren't permanent.

@mini-leafster

That's basically all I got.

[not-that-blog]

I unlocked trauma tonight.

Really fucked up shit that honestly makes me feel so close to depression again just knowing it.

Years of therapy tools and techniques are paying off, but the saddest truth about being an adult is that, I know with 100% certainty that it doesn't matter that this horror hasn't yet impacted my view of myself or my self worth, it's just made my distain for a number of disowned and cut off family grow even deeper into a line of hatred, betrayal and honesty horror at how much they're fucking monsters who I once saw as the most amazing humans in my life but now they're not just cowards who enabled a monster, but actually willing participants in the monstrous movements themselves..... I shouldn't be left alone tomorrow because that won't last forever.

But even if by some miracle it does... it won't hold the weight of the ptsd from crashing down upon me in the daylight.

Right now the sleeping world is all that holds my peace.

I mumble the few prayers I've memorised in slight comfort, I take note of the feelings, name them, feel where they sit in my body, feel the discomfort and then relax and let it fade. Repeat mantras, walk myself through the motions of productively using my ability to maladaptive daydream to walk myself through safe spaces.

Try to stay grounded in who I am so I don't split and really settle myself so that it doesn't break me because damnit I am so so fucking close to having a complete fusion of this system and learning what it's like to be alone in my own brain and life and I will be damned if that fuckers betrayal that's already happened and done causes me to undo a decade of therapy work at becoming a functioning human being.

I was a system of at least 75.

Always, always being taken over and my life in shambles and constantly sabotaged and destroyed before it even had a chance.

There's now maybe more than 5, but most of the time it's just Gemma and I.

There's two of us that exist full time and the others are so close to being fused that I am disappointed when they front because although I love them dearly and there's a part of me that misses my life in our inner world... they should not exist and their existence is a sign of pain and suffering for forced survival because the only ones that exist that aren't Gem and I are trauma holders.

And little E, they're holding the last of my childhood trauma. Eliza is holding a lot of guilt and pain for my teenage years that honestly... I am not ready to touch and I am still more incredibly grateful than sad bc she's a ridiculously level headed trauma holder who also holds a lot of my hopes and dreams and religious trauma from the christian upbringing. And Cicely... when she splits off again when I am in trauma mode, she breaks my heart because she's the artistic director of my heart and soul and the holder of all the broken heartedness from lost potentialities and the way I wanted the world to be. She is my romanticism personified and fuck I love her and I hate when she shows up because if we split again and she returns it's like the sign our heart is so broken we actually lost our core connection to ourself and need to hold it separate to protect it.

Gemma is functioning through anxiety and the ability to keep control. I am everyday life and just pushing us through healing and being the host and accepting this is my reality and my life and my responsibility and I am host and it's my life and I owe it to that small child to give them a good life and a good world where they're safe and healthy and happy and truely themselves.

And I will be damned if the behaviour of a fucker who used to take every opportunity to terrify me and make me afraid and miserable is going to keep hurting me for the rest of my life.

I was the only child not given a biblical name.

But mum wanted to name me Naomi.

I intend to have my Hebrew name be Naom. (I was thrilled when looking at jewish baby name blogs to learn this was an option)

The (darker) humour is not lost on me that of all of us, I am the one who actually follows any of their names. Both given and chosen.

[rachymarie]

So I went to doc yesterday for a medi certif, and she read me the response from the local NGO(?) local support team I requested to be connected back up with, because surprisingly, my chronic incurable illness is chronic/incurable??

Apparently they came back rejecting my application saying I broke rules in the respite facility? But the so-called "rule-breaking" they cited (I stayed at someone's house one of the nights) I had discussed with them at the time and they didn't say I couldn't or anything about it being wrong? So apparently respite is supposed to be a prison and we are not allowed friends or anything we have to be miserable and suffering on our own?

Idk it left me fuming. So much that I could barely ramble about it following the appointment and was irked/cross/mad/upset/blindsided/exasperated. That's not even the reason they used for ejecting/yeeting me in the first place. I was told their reason for yeeting me was I wasn't trying to hit their arbitrary goals they made me set (such as learn to take the bus) aka jump through neurotypical hoops/perform for them to get support, so I didn't realize they basically thought I was some kind of horror of a client (?? Most people/old school reports/employment reference letters say I am conscientious and sweet, wouldn't hurt a fly etc) when they literally had clients knifing the couch, punching holes in the walls, taking apart the windows and stealing shit. It all feels a bit two-faced to me. Might have to try the other local support team now which is a bummer cos they don't offer respite. But mum said do we really want me to connect back with the original ones if they are that mean that they make up random shit I apparently did wrong that they have probably been complaining about behind my back

Imagine turning a schizospec away when they actually finally ask for help? And New Zealand is supposed to be one of the better countries for mental health system etc. Everyone says speak up about your mental health struggles and ask for help but often when you do this kinda shit happens.

This stupid ambulance at the bottom of the hill situation of the health system only gonna get worse under the new govt. Like sorry I don't seem "broken enough" to you just because i use big words (in itself a symptom/trait of the illness/autism). My excessive wordiness/rambling is often debilitating and can also lead me to being ignored/dismissed or even that I'm using such big/advanced vocab that people don't understand me. (Language is actually a passion of mine so please bear with).

We need a better system for long-term support for our lifelong illness, other than just plopping us on medication that doesn't even begin the fully treat the schizospec illness

And if everyone else could stop bullying/kicking us when we're down by using terms such as schizoposting, delulu etc and media stop with all the negative/unfair portrayals that would be great thanks. We are dealing with A LOT and most often not getting the support we need

Anyway I can only keep trying, on the upside I got connected with the female HIP (health improvement practitioner) who is nice and we will see what we can do with that. Ever grateful it's funded, and that they got a woman/someone other than my high school ex into the practice. My gp has also been pretty amazing. If I am too advanced of a mess for the HIP I'm told at least she can refer me on to like a psychologist. Female would be good because of my tendency to decide that male therapist etc are attracted to/in love with me lol "pls, you're not THAT special"

[norcalbruja]

Not really an "update" but definitely a note

So Hera is one of the new spirits who saw me having a meltdown a couple of days ago, was shocked/horrified that I apparently lose my shit and start screaming for help all the time, and she's wondering why the fuck nobody's HELPED me yet.

Especially not 97% of the anito. Hera is extremely concerned that the only named Tagalog spirits who have shown up are three sea-gods that I have a REALLY hard time believing are the actual anito, what with the reading I got saying that the anito abandoned me and I guess I'm shit out of luck (my phrasing, not the reader's). So I get the fun conflicting emotions where I want to believe them, but I also know that any Tagalog spirits claiming that they're the anito and they actually DO care about me are just AUTOMATICALLY suspicious now.

--

Anyway, so a couple of days ago, the Water-Spirit and I were talking about something or another and then Spirit-Me devolved into screaming, "HELPPPPPPPPPP!!! HELLLLLLLP!!!! LET ME OUT!!!! LET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING NOTHINGNESS I'M STUCK IN!!! SOMEONE WHO'S WILLING AND ABLE TO HELP ME, PLEASE!!! I CAN'T FIND A JOB AND NOBODY WITH MONEY CARES ABOUT MY ART, AND I CAN'T MOVE OUT OF MY MOM'S SHITTY ANCIENT APARTMENT BECAUSE I HAVE NO JOB!!! I SWEAR I'LL STOP BOTHERING THE SPIRITS IF SOMEONE JUST FIGURES OUT A WAY TO HELP ME, PLEASE!!! I WOULD NOT BE BEGGING SPIRITS FOR HELP IF THERE WAS ANY NORMAL WAY TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!! PLEASE!!! LET ME OUTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!"

Hera just stopped and stared in horror as the Water-Spirit and Dionysus started frantically trying to calm me down, and she said, "That's it??? That's all you're doing??? Where are her people's gods?!"

And Dionysus was like "Hera, we told you already--most of them aren't here. A reader told her that the anito hate her poor-person begging and quit on her. And they said the anito think her blog, her fantasy writing, and basically everything she did regarding the anito, are blasphemous."

And Hera said "Yes, I know that! But getting a house and a job has nothing to do with her art, so they could at least help her with that! How is she going to make LESS-BLASPHEMOUS art if she's always miserable and stuck with her mother?"

So Dionysus said "Well we don't know WHY they're not here, but they're not."

And Haik Number Four arrived and he just wearily went, "Is that what people think of us now? Even if the others are mad at her, they are not like the Christian God--most of us shouldn't think suffering makes you WORTHY or BETTER or anything like that. You pray for help, and most pagan spirits think you should GET IT."

That just sent me into another frantic wave of begging Haik specifically for help, so Hera just "dragged me out" of the Otherworld for a few minutes going, "STOP. STOP. I DON'T LIKE THIS."

I may have heard a spiritual "door" slam shut, so the others couldn't talk to us.

When I found out my brother died, the Dagda (Irish Pantheon) did something similar and reluctantly "kicked me out of the Otherworld" entirely for a few days. He said I needed to process my grief the normal way instead of trying to feel better using the spirit-world as a coping mechanism.

But this was only for a few minutes, and Hera told me, "Honey. Please. Why are you doing this? I don't like it."

And I said, "I don't like it either, but if houses here didn't cost a million dollars, and if rent was less than two thousand a month for a fucking tiny studio apartment, I would not be begging the spirits for help!"

She told me, "I know. I don't like that you are reduced to doing this. You should have gotten help WAY before this, and the ones you want help from don't seem to want to do it! It's already degrading for people to beg for help, and you've been begging whoever listens for who knows how long?!"

I got irrationally mad and just seethed at her, "DEGRADING??? THAT'S FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO LOOK BAD. I NEED SOME FUCKING HELP, HERA--LIKE AN ART CAREER AND A HOUSE! OR A MILLION DOLLARS TO GET THE HOUSE, AND THEN I CAN FOCUS ON MY ART!!! I DON'T CARE IF I'M DEGRADING MYSELF! I WILL KEEP BEGGING THE SPIRITS FOR HELP UNTIL I GET SOME GODDAMN HELP!!!"

So I didn't attack her or anything, but I started screaming and thrashing in anger/pain, and then Lola Buwaya came around to just grab me and shake me. She's done that a couple of times when I have an especially bad fit of rage/despair.

And it's not GOOD, but it gets me to stop, so it's "the stuff we have to do for now." Like how Hypnos made the obvious comment that a lot of my sleep problems are due to stress, and if I had an income and/or my own place, I would sleep a lot better. But I don't have either, so I have to constantly ask a sleep-god to put me under.

Hera didn't like the shaking, either. She just went, "EXCUSE ME, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! She's not a fish!"

Lola told her, "You all are too nice! You pretend she's a normal person! One who can control her feelings and listen when people want her to calm down! She is not, and she will not be until she can get the hell away from her mother!"

The cursing surprised me because Lola does not curse a lot. Much like the Water-Spirit, she talks formally/archaically most of the time and it's really jarring when she finally drops a swear-word.

Anyway, so she left now that I wasn't screaming anymore, and Hera just sighed and went, "Where are your people's gods in all this? You have three possible sea-gods and one water-spirit husband, but they don't tend to deal with buying a house or artistic pursuits. I suppose I'll help you with what I can, sweetheart. Just keep doing what you're doing with the Water-Spirit."

And she's already said she'll try to help me a couple of times, but this time was really striking because I was in a shitty place and having someone be NICE felt weird. It was so foreign that it almost felt painful, especially since she wasn't asking me to do anything (different/new) in exchange for her help.

So I told her "Hera, why are you so NICE to me? I mean, your relationship with Zeus kind of precedes... both of you."

She said, "Well, you and him are not me and Zeus. You two have a GOOD relationship. That is my concern, so that's why I'm helping."

And the "closed door" was probably open by now, so Dionysus came in and went, "Fuck my dad, babe. What are you girls talking about?"

I went, "The same shit I keep talking about, Dionysus. I need money for my own place, and I can't seem to get any. I want to do art for a living, but most people I ask about it never answer me back, or they take weeks or months to finally say they can't actually help, but my art sounds REALLY REALLY cool. And how it seems like every other spirit thinks something is wrong with the sheer absence of the anito in my life, and the reasons that people have told me for why the anito aren't here makes a lot of the Tagalog spirits freak out."

And Dionysus sighed and went "Well, this day was too exciting. Go to sleep now, babe, it's 3am."

[pepprs]

it’s actually fucking stupid that journaling actually makes me worse now. like what the hell else am i supposed to do

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

Y'know, whenever people want to talk about why aspec people 'count' as an oppressed identity, they tend to go for the big stuff like corrective rape and conversion therapy. And like, we should absolutely talk about that stuff. Obviously those things are terrible and important and we need to raise awareness and deal with them.

But I feel like people often gloss over how… quietly traumatising it is to grow up being told that there is only one way to be happy— and that everybody who doesn't conform to that norm is secretly miserable and just doesn't know it— and then to gradually realise that, for reasons that you cannot help, that is never going to happen for you.

You're not going to find a prince/princess and ride off into the sunset. Or if you do, then it's not going to look exactly the way it does in fairytales. You're not going to get a 'normal' relationship, because you are not 'normal', and everybody and everything around you keeps telling you that that's bad.

You see films where characters are presented as being financially stable, genuinely passionate about their work and surrounded by friends and family, but then spend the rest of the plot realising that the real thing they needed was a (romantic and sexual) partner, to make them 'complete'.

You absorb the idea that any relationships you have with allo people will ultimately be unfulfilling on their side, and that this will be your fault (even if you discussed things with your partner beforehand and they decided that they were a-okay with having those sorts of boundaries in a relationship) unless you deliberately force yourself into situations that you aren't comfortable with, so as to make uo for your 'defects'.

You grow up feeling lowkey gaslighted because all the adults in your life (even in LGBT+ spaces. In fact especially in LGBT+ spaces) are insisting that it's totally normal to not be attracted to anybody at your age, and then you go to school and everybody keeps pressuring you to name somebody you're attracted to because they can't imagine not being attracted to anybody at your age.

And then you get older and realise that one day you're going to be expected to leave home, and that one day all your friends are going to be expected to put aside other relationships and 'settle down' with a primary partner and you don't know what you're going to do after that because you straight up don't have a roadmap for what a 'happy ending' looks like for someone like you.

(And the LGBT+ community is little help, because so many people in there are more than happy to tell you that you're not oppressed at all. That you're like this because you don't want to have sex, and/or you don't want to have any relationships, that your orientation is some sort of choice you made— like not eating bananas— rather than an intrinsic part of you that a lot of us have at some point tried to wish away.)

Even if you're grey or demi, and do experience those feelings, you still have to deal with the fact that you're not experiencing them the 'normal' way and that that's going to effect your relationships and your ability to find one in the first place.

If you're aiming for lifelong singlehood (which is valid af) or looking for a qpp, then you're going to have to spend the rest of your life either letting people make wrong assumptions about your situation (at best that your relationship is of a different nature than it actually is, at worst that the life you've chosen is really just a consolation prize because you 'failed' at finding a romantic/sexual partner) or pulling out a powerpoint and several webpages every time you want to explain it.

This what being aspec looks like for most people, and it is constantly minimised as being unimportant and not worth fighting against— even in aspec spaces— because we've all on some level absorbed the idea that oppression is only worth fighting against if it's big, and dramatic, and immediately obvious. That all the little incidents of suffering that we experience on a daily basis are not enough to be worth bothering about.

I mean, who gives a shit if you feel broken, inherently toxic as a partner, and like you're going to be denied happiness because of your orientation? Shouldn't we all just shut up and thank our lucky stars we don't have to deal with all the stuff some of the other letters in the acronym have to put up with (leaving aside the fact that there are many aspec people who identify with more than one letter)?

So you know what? If you're aspec and you relate to anything I've said above (or can think of other things relating your your aspec-ness that I haven't mentioned) then this is me telling you now that it's enough. Even if we got rid of all the big stuff (which we're unlikely to do any time soon because— Shock! Horror!— the big stuff is actually connected to all the small stuff) we would still be unable to consider our fight 'over' because what you are experiencing is not 'basically okay' and something we should just be expected to 'put up with'.

No matter what anybody tells you, we have the right to demand more from life than this.