#from my parents bc im mentally fucking ill
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got home and started crying because i had to walk home in below freezing temps and broke down and asked my parents to send me my car instead of selling it.
#they told me i don’t have to pay the $6k back which is obviously very generous and i am grateful but im also very wary that they are going#to use this against me in the future. I am making them promise not to but. they’re my parents so. not hopeful#having a bad week lads#this was my 11th shift in 12 days and they were all over 8 hours#for context my mom offered this to me this morning. i NEVER would have asked for it if she hadn’t offered#I also made her promise not to tell my piece of shit sister bc she ALREADY thinks of me as some lazy greedy leech because ive needed help#from my parents bc im mentally fucking ill#also i am not going to be able to eat dinner tonight because it’s too late and i will be in so much pain if i eat and try to lay down and i#can’t eat and stay up for 2-3 hours before laying down bc I have to go in early tomorrow#im feeling paranoid that someone is going to read this and think im sooo spoiled and taking help for granted but i have spent the last 7#years being almost completely financially dependent on my parents for reasons outside of my control and the shame and guilt and manipulation#of it all has worn me down to almost nothing#so me accepting this help comes with the knowledge that i am probably going to be made to feel absolutely worthless for a long time and im#in a position where i can’t really afford to say no
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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which parent/child relationship in dndads do u think about the most. or feel the most ill about. or relate to the most
#for me nowadays its fucking hermie and scam have made me want to throw up and die since ep34#as soon as hermie said 'i did all of this bc of my dad' i was like OH NO. OH NO OH NO ITS GETTING TOO REAL IN HERE#the hermie fact from ep42 absolutely shattered me#none of the dads in this podcast really have my dads parenting style but there are elements in the kids relationships w them that HURT ME#okay actually now that i think about it the relationship closest to me and my dads would probably be jodie and nicholas?? thats insane#DOES THAT MAKE ME AND MY MOM NICK AND GLENN OH HOLY FUCK THAT HURTS BUT IT FITS#OH MY GODDDD NO WHY DID I MAKE MYSELF REALIZE THIS#NOW IM GONNA BE EVEN MORE MENTALLY ILL OVER NICKY NO NO#u guys are watching me realize i relate to nicky close foster in real time#holy fuck yo......#dndads#siren says
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spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me
#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason#the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2#i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head#and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet#and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay#he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all#i have no idea what he has that i don't#but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about#not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me#not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act#im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough#for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away#from my sociopathic parents#and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough#but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d#exams#and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then#never cry#i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really#trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing#oh god this is now a ventpost#mes
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God. One of my little sisters is such a bitch. She's done me some genuine damage in exacerbating my already social bad anxiety. But when I have dreams where she's been hurt or killed, it's so horrible bc she's still my lil sister :-(
#its bc last night my dad had a dream she was in a car wreck. he transferred that anxiety onto me#shes such a bitch tho.just like intolerant of things she doesnt understand. and she does not understand my unwell brain#i think she likes my youngest sistsr best now. which fair bc i do too but we used to be besties. we used to explore in the woods together#and play ellos and barbies and legos and poly pockets and magnets. and now we never text eachother. its sorta sad#its not just me tho. my youngest sister and i have a 4 year gap so we weren't really interacting much when were were little bc she was too#bby to me but shes such a genuinely lovely person now. shes a special ed and preschool teacher. i asked her mom how she ended up with both#of my sisters bc my middle sister is the most like entitled person i kno. like my parents r very generous and she doesnt think for a moment#about not accepthing things from them. she thinks shes owed that amd more. its so strange#and my mom was like. thank goodness i got the youngest bc otherwise id think something was wrong with me#im prob somewhere in the middle of them. my brain is just more fucked up so like im greatful but im struggling. theres not a ton of like#really obvious mental illness in my family tho. just here and there someone should b diagnosed and get a bit of help. my uncle is the only#other one who could possibly be bipo1ar but hes also got a lot of problems: severe adhd and possibly b0rderline. so it could just b that but#my dad says when u talk to him sometimes things just doent make sense bc hes had convos in his head wuth you so he thinks u kno already#idk. its interesting tho#unrelated
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also i talked with my grandma abt college and she was so encouraging and excited about it so idc anymore its something i want to pursue ill put everything in my name regarding loans ill take on all the debt idc but its something i want to do ill just figure it out
#its so frustrating like#i know im dying living with my parents#but when i try to branch out and grow and leave my mom always reminds me that its not realistic#and then i leave for a few days and its like a completely different world#im just tired#its why even with meds even with therapy it is so fuckinf HARD to heal#bc no one is like. nice to me about it#that sounds so fucking shallow but its true#like my grandma was the one to really push me to even get help for my mental shit#my mom didnt believe in therapy till like two years ago lmfao#EYE DEE KAY!!!#she still doesnt really believe the depression shit either#she like barely understands the anxiety and its the only thing shes willing to talk abt#i know she has her own trauma from growing up + there is a history of mental illness in my family that goes completely unaddressed#and i try to respect that and understand where she comes from but its hard when it manifests as not wanting ME to be better
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listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"
like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.
#no it's not that ive dealt with everyone for my whole life and now im selfish and dont want to give a shit about anyone anymore#its that ive dealt with everyone my entire life ive been an emotional support pillar ive been rotting in this toxic dysfunctional household#ive been a third parent ive stepped in for my dad when he spontaneously decides to be a deadbeat ive supported my mom without fail#whenever shes needed it for years. ive dealt with everyones fits of mania & psychosis & breakdowns & chronic pain & depressive episodes#ive had my mental illness trivialized and belitted and downplayed. im exhausted and traumatized and so fucking burned out#of course it looks like ive given up on everyone from the outside because im struggling !! im struggling mentally and emotionally#and its spilling out in all the wrong ways and they just see it as me letting my anger ruin my character and everyone else around me#they dont care if theres something wrong with me even though im throwing out signs and cries for help literally wherever i can#they just care that theyre affected by it and inconvenienced by my deteriorating mental condition#they think this mentally ill freak is just what i am at this point and they cant stop emotionally blackmailing me#by reminiscing about how i used to be so kind and optimistic. i wish they would just fucking see me for once#ive played the role of the good emotional support eldest daughter my entire life. why didnt they think it would blow up at some point#and when i have tried opening up in moments of severe emotional vulnerability they just throw it back in my face later on#while simultaneously telling me i just need to change my outlook on life because im still young and cant define myself by childish problems#mom you are depressed and anxious you should recognize it better than anyone. you should be able to see it for what it is#instead of telling me to go spend a week volunteering at a cancer hospital so i can go see what real problems exist for people in the world#and what other people are going through and maybe ill come out with a new appreciation for life#mom just bc people are dying of cancer doesnt mean i can't be depressed just bc other people have it worse doesnt mean i cant have it bad#im so fucking tired!#3 am vent post yippee i am going to regret oversharing on the internet so badly when i wake up tmrw
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#im seeing things again that keep me from getting sleep and i feel like the world is trying to tell me something and im very scared#i know its not real but its hard to shake a feeling. it sucks idk ive tried therapy and meds neither really worked for me#i havent told anyone how bad its gotten because im afraid wnd people are counting on me#everything is too much effort and i selfishly just want to rest and do nothing#delete later umm#no like actually everything is telling me im not supposed to be here#cant do shit right. i fucked my whole life up and im only 22#so stupid tothink i could do anything with art and when im given the opportunity i get too overwhelmed becsuse i have one billion mental#illnesses. my parents are disappointed in me for like five different reasons i could name off the top of my head alone#its just like last year when i thought it was all over bc ingot rejected from 200 jobs then i got one but im not happy there euther#what a waste#i soent 22 years trying ti do art but once you lesve school you realize youre not good enough and you fucking suck and you cant get any job#and also you cant get into anything you want to donfor fun eithet#it literally could not be any clearer. im not supposed to be here this was a mistake#made the wrong choices in the wrong body doing the wrong thing always
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#degrassi#saad al'maliki#this one has been cooking in my drafts for a while#in case it wasnt obvious from the fact that this video is months old#anyways in case it needs reiterating yes saad is in fact the best brooding artsy boy this show has ever had#well maybe not BEST i still prefer eli over him but definitely the most interesting#i made a post on this a long while ago but i love Him and he deserved so much more#on rewatch im definutely more disappointed that his story ended up making him an extention of lola#even though i reslly liked their relationship. i just wish there was more of a focus on him and not how he relates to lola#and my other major problem w his storyline that isnt even his own fault#is that the person to heckle him when he gave that speech was fucking BAAZ#that part pisses me off bc i love baaz and i hate how the show constantly bends his character to make him worlds biggest asshole#bc baaz despite being less devout than his sister is a muslim#and is literally HOUSING A REFUGEE like out of the entire gamer crew he wld be the most supportive#but thats about baaz anyways back fo saad#i think the best part about saad over eli or craig or miles is that his angst feels more. idk. heavy#not that being abused by a parentsl figure or having a severe mental illness or suffering addiction isnt heavy#but saad being a traumatized refugee from a war torn country . its so#its heavy and its just so real idk maybe im biased bc my parents also come from a war torn country but it just Hits#and the way he processes his grief and trauma through his photography#and his unhealthy relationship w maya where rhey feed off each others trauma i cld talk about that all day#hes so tragic to Me the little spoingly#saad doesnt get mentioned in this three way angsty white boy debate bc hes not white and he came in too late into the series#to finish his arc properly#but i will ride for him til i DIE his NC4 storyline was soo fucking GOOD#he never gets the praise he deserves i will praise U my pookie!!!!!!
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thinking about my ocs lads
#cw for mentions of child abuse and neglect in the tags#i wanna revamp my ducktales/disney ducks ocs#because i miss them :(#im trying to rewrite their backstories and maybe make human versions of them? i don’t want to scrub away the ducks entirely lmao#so far ive fixed up a new story for vera 😎#she’s the illegitimate child of a professional thief who mostly steals jewelry and precious gems#and a morally kind of screwed and ruthless businessman in some kind of jewelry-related industry#who also has done some vigilante justice that lead to him meeting the thief. and then they fell in love#they’re not very good for eachother lol#and neither of them would be good parents#her mom tries to keep her away from her dad and succeeds for like 12 years by telling vera that she was. conceived without much consent#which is fucked up to say to a kid and it doesn’t get much better from there#vera’s mom is a dangerous unscrupulous person who should not have a kid#she drinks often and vera is scared of her but also very angry.#(to be fair she doesn’t really do it intentionally. vera’s mom is fairly mentally ill due to her own upbringing. it’s not really malicious)#vera feels like a burden to everyone bc of how her mom treated her :(#and her father is less unstable but he’s too emotionally distant and focused on his work that if vera was with him#she would end up being almost as neglected as with her mom#vera is very tragic and sad. she’s just a kid#im trying to rewrite what i had of her main plot where she meets her dad and extended family#it’s kinda fun to retool it into something original 😎#i wanna do the same for rosalie next because I Miss Her#cute lesbian seamstress……..#anyway this was oc time.#vera cassandra#rosalie henderson#my ocs
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Ignore
#delete later#as awful as the past couple of weeks have been in terms of intrusive thoughts and random waves of panic and intense emotions and#blankness. there have also been random patches that have been. okay. and that is how i know my medication is working#bc the times ive been like this and not medicated? there has been no reprieve#like although i feel. awful and useless and am internalising my work failures in a non helpful way that im trying to fight#i am having moments of#hey we're okay. they raised an issue in a way that was gentle bc youre a good employee usually. and honestly although you#feel terrible for fucking up. someone you care about very much died a month ago. you have been experiencing a mental health#almost crisis (i refuse to call it a full crisis bc im not self destructing really badly) and quite frankly the fact that you're functioning#at all is. pretty decent. youre trying. i am of course having moments where im convinced that they hate me and want to fire me immediately#but that has no evidence. and the fact that i know it has no evidence is a pretty insane piece of progress#shout out to my therapist from two courses ago who drilled the moral shit into my head.#she genuinly helped me a lot with this.#also was really really hoping for the usual christmas bonus this year bc my finances are tighter than usual but the company had a#lean year so no bonuses for anyone. so dont have the leeway to try out sliding scale therapy for a while. but it is what it is.#this will pass. its just been a rough four months and i havent had a break. ive also been waiting fir thr other shoe to drop at work#and it finally has so i can at least stop torturing myself over maybes. im getting my meds. i can refer myself to nhs depression#therapy. which will be mostly useless and the same as it always is but it tends to help me feel like im trying to progress which is still#helpful in some small way. it will be what it will be. one day at a time and all that jazz#this is also how these things go for me. i lose it slowly over a month or so. have a horrific couple weeks until a day of a genuine#full breakdown. i survive that day and the day after and then slowly start clawing myself up again. ive just had a few breakdown#days this time. what can ya do. is what it is. im sure I'll have another breakdown soon as i can tell im not done crying#and will almost certainly have a breakdown at my parents bc i am not good at hiding the dead eyed look and mum will#definitely clock im being weirder than usual with food and touching things. so there'll be a#anyway nevermind. ill do what i must
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[ID: A priest in a confession booth looking shocked]
#id added#both are equally shit probably. only saw my dad once a year ish tho and i see ppl talking abt shit moms less often so :#tw shitty parenting. def neglectful. probably counts as abusive idfk. also self harm.#my mother was extremely emotionally neglectful. she started refusing to hug me when i was like.. 12 ? bc she decided i was a problem child#and bc she was always 'mad' at me but she never specified why. she wouldnt budge on it even when i borderline begged#she is constantly saying ableist sanist shit to me. like calling me a psychopath. insane. autistic (as an insult) n telling me i deserve#to be locked up in prison or the 'crazy hospital'#literally came to laugh in my face when she heard some info abt depression on the radio bc it sounded like me#when i ended up in the er bc of sh she yelled at me for months. told me i traumatized her. wasted her money.#she looked though some personal journal notes abt the experience then tried to blackmail me. threatened to keep me from going to uni#she still doesnt believe im mentally ill. not after ALL THAT.#she doesnt hit me but she throws things at me sometimes. she once threatened to give me a concussion so she could be arrested and taken awa#bc she said that would be a break from me#she said all the years she spent raising me were a waste of her life#she once accused me of trying to break her arm bc i was afraid and pushed the door shut hard ig#she talks shit about me to my relatives on the phone. loudly. she makes sure i can hear on purpose. sometimes shell live commentate to them#when im just walking past her to go the bathroom or smthg. shell make shit up like saying im glaring at her#she has criticized every single inch of my existence. the way i talk. tone. word choice. facial expressions. body language. body.#it got to the point where if she entered the room i would go stock still and stock silent. hurry to cover every offending part of my body.#she hated that too#she made fun of me for crying in our arguments when i was younger so i lost that ability for years. she always called me oversensitive#then a few years later shed call Herself sensitive and tear up after some of the worse fights and then cry to her mom about it for sympathy#she has looked through my trash and gotten mad abt the things she found there. like a single one dollar snack wrapper bc thats wasting mone#we were not by Any means poor. we even owned the house we lived in. but she was stingy to the point of absurdity.#we lived in a house w broken appliances for YEARS bc she refused to find a repairman or to replace the objects (AGAIN WE COULD AFFORD THIS)#aircon. lightbulbs. sinks. water filter. the FUCKING WASHING MACHINE. THE GODDAM TOILETS. etc etc etc#there was no laundromat nearby and i wasnt given any money so i wouldnt have been able to use one anyway. it was allll handwashing.#tbf she did it all. but then she would endlessly complain. when i told her to replace the washing machine she told me to shut up#she also told me i should be grateful i didnt have to pee in a hole in the ground like in Some Countries when i told her to fix the toilet#bc of mental illness (and bc the bathroom door DIDNT FKIN LOCK OR EVEN CLOSE PROPERLY and i was v uncomfortable) i had a really hard time
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Not gonna lie
I dont think I'll ever forgive my parents for how poorly they mishandled our dog's health. I constantly felt as though it was my fault even though I quite literally couldn't do any more than i did. I still feel as though it was my fault. He deserved so much fucking better. I love him, and he had to endure such horrible skin problems because my parents refused to take him to a better vet because they were convinced the one they went to was fine. Even though I protested them for YEARS. I tried so fucking hard to get them to see what was going on but they just let it get worse and worse. They would never listen. And I couldn't take him somewhere on my own because I was a kid with no money. My sibling was too busy to notice. And my mom couldn't accept that it was her fault, and that she could've done better. I think she knows now but is still denying it to herself. My dad, quite frankly, didn't care.
#thinking about it right now because of how neglectful ive felt in regards to my dog's teeth#even though it again is the result of my parents not caring#or not wanting to realize#for fucks sake. they didnt take the other family dog to the vet for YEARS until i coincidentally#almost killed myself and they decided to do things that would make me happy#and why didnt they? because they didnt want to admit they were being neglectful in that regard#but i think it was a wake up call for them#when he had to get a quarter or more of his teeth removed as a result.#im so worried about my dog#they wouldnt LET me get his teeth cleaned for years#and when i got him we had agreed that they would pay for the teeth#and i really thought they would show up. despite the fact that it took me three fucking years to get my own cavity filled bc my#mom is insane about health stuff and im too fucking mentally ill to get a nine to five#and it ended up being a root canal because of it#and i told them time and time again that i would spend my money from my grandparents on his teeth#in a fucking instant#but i dont hsve control of the account. because of course i dont. and i cant help but feel like i failed my dog#even though i dont even know if he'll even need more than one tooth pulled yet#he's everything to me#he keeps me alive#he threw me out of a haze that for sure wouldve otherwise ended up with me bleeding out#so im not being dramatic. hes the reason i get up every day and get out of the house and take care of myself. because i know he loves me and#depends on me. and DON'T say animals dont love the same because for all intents and purposes love is being able to depend on people. that's#what love is. love is about caring for people and being cared for in return#it doesnt matter if he doesnt comprehend things the same. he comforts me when im sad. he lays on me when i have migraines#that's love to me. and i loce that little guy wven when he's an annoying little shit. hes my bro yk?#hes there for me when i need him so I'll always be there for him. shoutoit to my dog for being himself#also ik he does it because i care for his needs. but like. what is platonic and familial love or like love in general i guess if not#reciprocating care? even if it's not the same kind of care it's still care. you provide what the other person needs when they cant provide#it for themself.
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when will people understand tumblr is my safe space and if i wanted to see news i would just look it up on the three news apps downloaded on my phone
#maybe im wrong but idk i don't want to know and read about the war all the time yk because i can't fucking do anything about it sitting in#my room thousands of miles away???????#i am informed alright and horrified and sad i GET it#but so sick of these people saying you're horrible and have no compassion and are a baby for not keeping up with every news event#and not spreading information all the time#just saw a post that was like 'ppl saying uwu i have mental illness i can't talk about this all the time bc it makes me sad need to grow tf#up'#like oh please what 18 hours a day im awake and between everything else im supposed to keep up with the news 24/7???#sometimes i hate living in this world of internet sometimes i wish i could get my news from the newspaper in the morning once a day like my#parents
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tw suicidal talk
#its honestly been hard to not kill myself lately#every day im suicidal bc im under so much pressure and the standards laid out for me i am physically not capable of accomplishing#like they wont accept that im actually disabled and constantly accuse me of faking it or just being lazy and not doing enough#so they pile more expectations on me when im already collapsing in on myself#and im in the process of adjusting to new medication so all of my mental illness shit is acting up horribly#i just want to die i dont feel like i have anything to live for anymore#my life prospects are god awful bc im disabled and cant fucking work and the system is inherently pitted against people like me#doesnt matter that im fucking bedridden so often im still going to have to struggle to get on disability only for it to not actually be#enough to live off of#my life is going nowhere my parents are constantly threatening me with homelessness and im so fucking tired of being in horrible pain-#constantly. i literally never get a break from the pain. my pain meds dont ever do enough to give me actual relief#i dont want to be alive#i just want it all to be over and stop#im tired of the constant suffering from all fucking angles#i have a pact with my brother bc were both too suicidal so if he kills himself i get to kill myself and vice versa and that helped me hold-#on for a while but its gotten so bad that i almost attempted again anyways#one of my boyfriends was begging me not to and thats the only reason i didnt#but even then it took a lot of convincing from him bc i was pretty set on ending it at that point#he made a promise to me and im giving him time to fulfill it but it is so fucking hard to keep going like this#its hard to hold on
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#i'm so tired lmao#i'm so fucking tired#i go to so much effort to get everyone good gifts for christmas#and i get cash from my parents#bc even when i give her a list of gift cards rhat are easily bought from the fucking grocery store apparently its too hard for my mother#and i ask for oneeeee fuckinggggg dish for christmas and its the one she forgets#and my parents bitch about wach other to me and then my sibling bitches about my parents to me#and who wants to listen to me? nobody!!#im grateful my sibling at least makes an effort to get me a gift#im just over it#im the punching bag and the scapegoat and got abused for years for trying to drag everyone to family therapy and got called crazy by sibling#for literally years and treated like shit by all of them for being mentally ill#yknow what i think i am finally done#nothings going to change in any meaningful way anytime soon#and i cant afford to move out like i need#bc my health is just getting worse and worse and worse living here#see how i feel after sleep but yeah i think im done
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