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astarion-dekarios · 5 months ago

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I did a live transcription of the Dragon Age: the Veilguard dev Q&A session today.

UPDATE/EDIT: I made a second pass of this and cleaned it up into a full/complete transcript.

Q: If you could belong to any of the main factions, which would you choose?

Corinne: Listen Katie, you say softball but this is hard. I'm gonna cheat and I’m gonna give you two. So for fashion, the Antivan Crows all day long. their threads, you're gonna love it. For vibes though, the ones that capture my vibe, Mournwatch. Gimme those necromancers.

John: Those are good answers. I have one for fashion and for just general faction that I’d like to be a part of. Veil jumpers - who doesn't like a nice walk in the forest, you know, even if that forest is filled with horrifying monsters and terrifying anomalies, but uh, yeah.

Matt: For me it’s definitely the Lords of Fortune. I’ve had a chance to try out a bunch of them, and I think I’ve finally settled on them, and I think it’s just because pirate barbarian is just such a great combination of elements. Treasure hunting, plus beaches and palm trees and all that stuff, it’s a really good mix, so that’s kind of my default.

Q: I’ve seen a lot of talk about only having two companions in your party instead of three for this game. What is the reasoning this and will we get the same companion conversations and banter as seen in the previous Dragon Age Games??

Corinne: Such a good question. Thank you to whoever submitted this one. I'll start and then turn it over to John Epler. As you saw in the gameplay reveal, this is a much more intimate experience. We pulled the camera in. For those that aren't aware, the reason why is we want you to feel like you actually are in this world, like you’re walking these the city streets of Minrathous, you’re looking up at the buildings all around you. You're a part of this place. It's much more intimate, and we believe as the narrative unfolds that this creates a lot more immersion. Now how this relates to the companions is in doing this, we went back and forth on it a lot, but we actually found that having two companions allows them more visibility and presence. We've talked about the incredible depth and focus we’ve put on fleshing out these companions, they're very fully realized, so here you really get to see them more clearly, you get to see them shine. When you see Lace Harding jump into the air and release a volley of arrows, you can only get that because of this more intimate view. So I love the spotlight that’s been put on them. But I think in addition to the banter, one of the things people are wondering about is, ok but what about gameplay. Again, this has come about from our testing, working with the internal team and also our lovely our council of players. We just found that in the combat system, when you're planning your strategies, two felt like the right number to manage. Keep in mind, Rook has a lot of different types of actions: abilities, individual attacks that are more fleshed out than ever before. Timing and positioning matter a lot, so this really felt like the right balance. The number of inputs and actions we’re asking you as a player to take, including directing your companions, is higher than ever before. And I will also say that I engage with the companions, I actively control what they're doing more than I ever have before in any of the other three games. But John, I’ll toss it over to you for the banter.

John: So banter, honestly I don't think you could stop the writers from writing banters. I will say for myself, it's one of the more light but fun things to do. You get to write little stories, little arcs between the characters, and Veilguard is no different. Banter is still absolutely a core part of it. We've got global banter, you know the general stuff that you get in all spaces, as well as mission specific stuff. But yeah. It's definitely still a big thing, if anything it's the most we've ever done for pairings of companions. Beyond that, we’ve also made sure—and I mean, I’ve been on Dragon Age for a while, and I know there’s been an issue, you know, things like, “well, I don’t wanna miss this banter.” So we've even added stuff like interruptable and resumable banter as well, just to make sure that—because again, it’s a core part of the experience. Everyone loves hearing these companions talk to each other. Everyone loves hearing these little stories and relationships develop over the course of the game, and as mentioned before, companions are the heart of this experience. So we still have it, if anything like I said, you could not stop the writers from doing it, even if you tried.

Corinne: Well John, listening to you speak, one thing that comes to mind, maybe people are wondering, with two companions in the field, do I get less interaction? Like do I get a scene with my companions interacting with a broader group more often? And the way you'll gather them around the kitchen table, there's just so many of those moments where they're all interacting with each other. Those are some of my favorite parts.

John: Yeah, and that’s a good callout, because I think the other side of it is, we aren’t talking too much about your home, but we also wanna make sure that they feel like they have relationships and a life outside of just the times you take a certain pair of companions out on the field, so we made sure that they have interactions there as well.

Q: How customizable is the backstory of Rook? Will we get to determine their past in the character creator?

John: Absolutely. So Rook has six different backgrounds that you can choose from. Each one is tied to one of the major factions in the Veilguard, and each one sets out who Rook was before they were recruited by Varric. While that sets up the broad events, as you go through the game and have conversations either with members of your faction, other characters, you can define not just what those events were but what they meant to you – what was your motivation, what was the kind of person you are as you build up Rook, because again, we wanna make sure that roleplaying is at the heart of this experience, and taking Rook, giving them a background in the world but letting you decide what that means and what that says about you is also a big part of it. And again, there are six different factions in this game. Two which anyone who’s played Dragon Age for a while would remember, you’ve got the Gray Wardens and Antivan Crows. We also have, in addition to them, four new ones because we’re in Northern Thedas. We’ve got the Veil Jumpers, Mournwatch, Shadow Dragons, and Lords of Fortune. A lot of different options, a lot of different backgrounds, and a lot of opportunities to define who your Rook was and who they are now.

Q: Will crafting return and has it been improved since Inquisition?

Corinne: Will crafting return? You can absolutely improve and customize your gear, yes. That is a big part of RPG progression, so yes you can improve and customize it. I will say though, it's different this time around, and it does get into spoiler territory so I'm gonna be a little cagey about it, but there might be a mysterious entity that assists you with that that will be an important part of the narrative.

Q: Can we kiss or romance Manfred the skeleton?

John: I would say, not that skeleton, but we're not saying no skeletons.

Q: What were some of the development considerations that you had to take into account to ensure this game flows & functions with prior games & dragon age keep, if keep is being utilized?

Corinne: We did an interview with IGN that goes into some of the details there. To summarize, we have taken a different approach on how you import your decisions this time around. It's now fully integrated into the character creator and serves a dual purpose, to be honest. It’s not called this in game, but I playfully think of it as "last time on dragon age". When I talk about its dual purpose, it's been 10 years since the last dragon age game release, so it serves as a refresher on critical events as well as allowing you to remake those decisions that are critical to you. The thing I love about it is it's very highly visual, it uses the familiar tarot card aesthetic, so it's actually a very visual and playful experience as you go through it. It is very much important to us that it's built into the client, though. You can play this game entirely offline, no connection, you don’t have to link to your EA accounts. That's been a really big request, so the refresher plus make those decisions in client, I think we're all pretty happy about that. I don't wanna spoil anything by revealing what decisions you can import. Y'all don't want the spoilers. But it's been a really interesting creative intersection for us. Because on the one hand, this is a whole new adventure. You're in northern thedas, these locations you've literally never been to before, so that affects what will matter and what we’re not using this time around as far as decisions. But obviously there’s some very very clear connections to existing characters. It’s no secret that the Inquisitor, our dear Inky, is gonna show up, so that's a factor.

Q: Will this next game be an open world game or is it just confined to Tevinter?

John: Yeah, so you are in northern Thedas, but the game only begins in Minrathous. It doesn't stay there. I think one of the most exciting things for me, and again, I don’t wanna get into too much spoiler detail, but getting to go to and work with the art team, the narrative, the design team to build out these locations we've talked about, places that character have referred to as where they’ve come from, places that characters obviously in previous games have hailed from, has been absolutely exciting. So you do start in Tevinter, you do start in Minrathous, but again that’s not the entire game by any stretch.

Corinne: And the first half of it is, is it an open world game? We've gone back to what we believe delivers the best, most curated, intense narratives. So this is a hand crafted experience, it's mission based. Now these locations can open up, you can go back, solve mysteries, do some really great side content - not fetch quests, not grind quests, some really great side content. But I wanna be clear, it's a really curated, hand crafted experience.

John: Just to bounce off of that very quickly, the most important thing for us and what Corinne was saying about hand crafted, obviously we’ve talked about how characters, story, narrative are critical to us, and this has allowed us to build those experiences in a way that emphasized that really well while still tying it into the story threads and story beats.

Q: Will the companions have unique specializations like DA2 or the same as player?

Corinne: I think the best way for me to describe this is that yes, our companions will have abilities that are truly unique to them, but also the companions do fall into the archetypes of mage, rogue, and warrior. For instance, you might be surprised to hear, because she has a bow, but Bellara is in fact a mage, and I love that. Some of the abilities, the bulk of the abilities of the companions, are based on their own unique personalities. Neve is the only mage that is an ice mage, so you get distinct abilities for her. But because she's a mage, she does have access to abilities that all mages share, like Time Slow. We really like the balance there. It’s a good mix of representing their archetype, their class, and also their distinct specialization or personality or whatever you wanna call it.

John: Yeah actually, I would say the word personality is a great one, because all of these characters exist, have a story, have a history of how they became who they were, and part of that was finding that intersection between narrative and gameplay and making sure that again, we serve the needs of gameplay, but also allow these characters to exist as their own people, not just in conversation but out of conversations as well.

Corinne: I would also say that as part of that core mage kit, healing spells are there. So if your mages, you wanna make ‘em a healer, yeah.

Q: Will the Veilguard have tactical combat still?

Corinne: Yes. Combat gets quite tactical. Obviously this is an evolution of the combat system. I talked about immersion, wanting to put you in the world like you’re actually living and existing in it, but it is very tactical and I will say we have a robust difficulty system. The tactics are increasingly important the higher difficulty that you go. So if you’re showing up for a highly tactical experience, I would crank that difficulty in particular. But I wanna make sure I’m super clear in my answer. You saw the gameplay reveal. Our pause time tactical mode is not overhead. It stays close to Rook. It does allow you to cycle between targets in and out of combat, there’s a reason for that. As the game progresses, you didn’t see this in that opening hour of the game, but it will display strategic information on the enemies, so what are their vulnerabilities, what are their elemental weaknesses, their enhancements, what are they resistant to, so your type of abilities, leaning into elemental gameplay matters a lot.

I would also say, this is a long answer because it’s such a great question, tactical decision making also takes the form, I would say this is front and center, of coordinating your ability usage between Rook and your companions to create synergies and or really devastating, we call them detonation combos. So let me give you a couple of examples, because it can be really hard to visualize, so hopefully this helps. One of the tactics that I personally enjoy in my own builds, I just recently played as a veil ranger, I love it, it’s one of my favorites. if I'm fighting fade touched enemies in Artlathan, I like to use Bellara's galvanized tear to pull enemies together, it’s like a gravity well. You then Slow Time with Neve – Slow Time affects the world around you, but it does not affect you, so you clump them up, you slow time -- and then with Rook I come in and do a devastating AOE or damage over time spell or ability. And it’s even better if it's a lightning based ability, because the fade touched in Arlathan are vulnerable to that. So there’s so many layers of coordination and strategies and tactics. We did talk about the devastating detonation combos, that's one of my favorite features, because that’s when you’re really leaning into explicit teamwork between your companions and Rook or the companions together. When I build out my team and I'm going into a mission, I try to ensure that I have at least a couple possible synergies, detonation combo synergies, between my team. It might be between Harding and Neve, Neve and me, or both. So here, I'd go into battle, pause time, open the ability wheel, get information on the enemy – and the wheel will actually tell you that there is a synergy combo, you might have seen a screenshot that says “combo available” – it will remind you of synergies between companions, you can queue both of those abilities up at the same time, close out of the pause time menu, they’ll both execute, both abilities will happen. Then the detonation AOE happens, applies debuffs to all the enemies in a radius of it. It's so satisfying. I can’t wait for yall to see it, but the interesting thing is that too is a tactical choice. I’m choosing to use my companions to do that, and that means I’m not using them to heal me, or to give me that defense bonus, or to knock an enemy off a ledge, so it’s about the opportunity costs. I could spend the rest of the session talking about this, apologies for being long winded, but this is one of my favorite parts of the game.

Q: Can you choose rook's pronouns? If yes, is being non-binary an option? How detailed is the character creator?

Corinne: Well yeah you can select your pronouns. Absolutely. You can actually select your pronouns and your gender, because those are related concepts, but they’re not actually the exact same thing. Yeah, you can be non-binary, we have he/him, she/her, they/them. Yes. Emphatic yes. How detailed is the character creator? Oh my goodness, yall. Very. I don't wanna give away too much just yet but it's very very deep. It has been revealed, it’s out there in a couple articles about the focus on hair, the focus on skin tones that are done respectfully, full body customization, hell yeah, we love to see it. But we’re gonna come back, we’re gonna show you a lot more on character creator, but we wanna make sure we have the time and space to do that.

Q: Will there be a photo mode in game?

Corinne: That is something we’re actively looking into, we know there’s a ton of interest, so stay tuned on that one, but we are very much looking into it.

John: I can add too, that is a feature that we like, we like the idea of, and it’s not just player facing, but internally it’s a really helpful thing to have that as we’re building things out, so we’ll let you know.

Corinne: Yes, yeah, absolutely. We are as geeked on that possibility as you all are.

Q: A lot of people were asking about abilities. Are we going to be limited in how many abilities we can pick from the wheel?

Corinne: Ability wheel does have a capacity. You have to choose which three abilities you wanna bring for Rook, which three for a companion, and which three for another companion. What I like about this is there is kind of an emergent gameplay depending on who you and your companions are coming into a mission with. Now the reason for that is it actually creates a really interesting balance between strategizing, having to do that strategy about your combat kit before the mission, and then the tactical decisions once you're in the field deciding what to do. I want to clear one thing up, while there are three ability slots for Rook, there's so much more than that - other actions that you can perform directly from the wheel like you’ll have an ultimate ability associated with your class or your specialization, so there’s variants there. There’s a type of items you can get that function like abilities, they’re typically like buffs and enhancements, in the form of runes, so you’ll control that for Rook and/or the team from the wheel. You may have also seen that you can direct which targets your companions can focus on, but what you might not know is that a lot of the companion gear really synergizes with that directing with your companions. When you issue those commands, that too will proc depending on the gear they have equipped, really interesting and strategic effects. They can be more ability like, more like proc’d effects, there’s just so much from the wheel that once you get in and see everything working together, becomes more and more apparent.

Q: Will fireball and cone of cold be back as spells in Dragon Age: the Veilguard?

Corinne: All these combat questions, really good. Fireball and Cone of Cold aren't specifically back, however their successors are, frost nova and meteor. These serve the exact same combat role and function as those other abilities. I would also say it gives them quite the glow up. Meteor in particular, so satisfying nuking a group of darkspawn with a well placed meteor. It’s wonderful

Q: What accessibility features are available? Arachnophobia mode? Mod support?

Corinne: Oh my goodness, arachnophobia. I am wicked afraid of spiders too. My partner always laughs at me, I’m just terrified of them. That said, that's one we're going to save for a little bit closer to launch before we’ll go into full details about accessibility features. But I do wanna assure you we have spent a lot of time thinking about this topic, so that you can play the game in a way that really works for you. I'm excited to share that with you when the time is right.

Q: How long is the time skip from Inquisition to the Veilguard?

John: Anyone who's paid attention to Dragon Age, and I can say as somebody who’s been on Dragon Age since Origins, timelines are always a little iffy. They change and they morph over development as we see how longs things are taking, but for Veilguard we were actually pretty consistent from the start that it's been about 10 years since trespasser, as you may or may not have noticed, Varric's become a bit of a silver fox. I’ve seen a lot of comments about that on social media. Yeah, 10 years. Solas's ritual has taken time to set up and you’re kinda coming in at the end of that hunt.

Q: Is Solas still bald?

Matt: Yeah. I mean if you’ve watched the gameplay thing, we can all confirm that Solas is still bald, Solas is still Solas. I really like how Solas has turned out this time around. I will say, here’s a comment on this specific question that’s gonna sound like a non-sequitor, but once you get a chance to play a little bit more, maybe you’ll – In Thedas, ancient elves go bald when they are millenia old, so Solas wasn't always bald. So if you end up seeing what Solas looked like in the past, things might be a little different. Now that said, I’m sure some of you are wondering what happened to Solas’s wig from Tevinter Nights. I’m sure he still has it somewhere, so… It’s his most important possession.

Corinne: Some pride there, huh.

Q: Will we be able to change companions appearances and outfits or are they fixed, similar to Dragon Age 2?

Matt: Dragon Age 2 was, we loved how the followers turned out in that, but it was sad given our constraints that we had to keep them with just one basic outfit. We really tried to make some space for them this time around. They have iconic color palettes and things like that, but they do have a wider range of appearances that you can find for them, some are just cool but then there are some that are tied to directly to their narrative and just kind of what’s happening in their life.

Q: Will we be seeing or visiting Kal’Sharok?

Matt: What’s been really cool, so in previous games, we’ve kind of alluded to this before, it was a lot of fun to hint at the locations that were off the map, the mysterious places you were not going, and so you could just bring in some props, some characters, a piece of art, things like that. Even Tevinter was only vaguely hinted at and we’d just add drips and bits and pieces, so that stuff was really fun. In the Veilguard we’re actually getting to visit a whole lot of those locations that had only been hinted at for real, so you do actually run around Tevinter and a bunch of the other locations that we’ve revealed. But this also means that we're not completely filling out the map, and that there are new things we can start hinting at and we can start drip feeding. It’s kinda fun, I’d say for what we can show of Kal’Sharok and other locations, there’s more to do.

Q: Will the dialogue wheel/options be similar to Inquisition and Andromeda in the sense that it's more tone based?

John: We have a number of different types of wheels in our game. All the dialogue wheels are based off the same principle, anyone who’s played a dragon age game and remembers what they look like. In Dragon Age: the Veilguard, we have tone wheels which are roleplaying your character picking consistent tone. We also have emotion wheels where you can pick specific emotional reactions, and choice wheels which are, I don’t have a strong emotional or tone tie here, but I do want to make a choice based on what I do. Investigate’s obviously return as well. We want players to understand as much as possible what it is they are going to be picking, we want the choice to be clear even if one of the best things about consequence is making sure that’s not entirely clear.

Q: How extensive are Rook’s dialogue decision trees?

John: Huge. Again, it’s a Dragon Age game. We wanna make sure you have choices, we wanna make sure you can choose your roleplaying, but also choose outcomes of conversations, choose how events unfold. Again it’s a Dragon Age game, we wanna make sure we also react to decisions you’ve made. So for example, you may be talking to a follower who is an elf, and if you yourself are an elf, obviously you'll have a different perspective on events than someone who’s not an elf. Sometimes that means different conversation options, sometimes that’s going to be entirely new dialogue trees, as well as based off decisions you’ve made throughout the game, so again, making sure the game feels like it notices what you’re doing is a huge part of how we’ve written out the dialogue wheel and dialogue trees in this game.

Q: All companions romanceable by all player characters regardless of race and gender?

Corinne: Yeah, yeah. We have talked about this in some of the interviews, I’ve seen a few articles about it, so I'd recommend everyone check out those articles, but let me just give you a quick interview. Each of the seven companions has full romance arcs and they are romanceable by all genders. Absolutely. But something that’s really important to us on the team, and so I just wanna make sure and double down on, that doesn't mean playersexual. If anyone’s unaware of what we mean by that, it doesn’t mean they conform or twist their identities to who you the player are. They won’t suddenly have a preference for men or women based on what you’re playing. Instead they have their own fully fleshed out identities. They are true and authentic to that. So in this game they are all pansexuals, they all have histories and romances, sometimes you’ll hear about preferences and things of that nature. And what I really love is if you don’t pursue a romance with them, they’ll actually build their own romances with each other. So in one of the interviews I talked about Lace Harding and Taash getting together. I give that example because it’s one of my favorites. I’m gonna put a question back to the community though. I’ve heard we’re going with Laash for that ship name? You tell me what is that ship name?

Q: What are the markings on the faces of the elven warden and veil hopper?

John: So there’s quite a few, I think more than we’ve done before, tattoos from various cultures. We're bringing the vallaslin back of course but there's a ton of different options, especially when we’re going into these new regions. Each area has its own kind of visual language for that. We are bringing the vallaslin back and a couple characters have them, but we've customized them a bit. They’re a bit more specific to their personality.

Q: What are you as a developer most proud of and excited for players to experience?

Corinne: I suspect for most of us, myself included, it's the depths and authenticity of the companions journey along with on their arcs, learning about their hardships, what they care about, being by their side. That authenticity is just so good, they all feel like my dear friends. But I have to say, the closest runner up for me has to be the character creator. Has to be. That character creator, the makeup options, the range of sliders... I'm a Qunari fan, so even just the way you customize the horns and combine that with the really great looking hair. Character creator has to be my very close runner up.

Matt: As far as what I can say I’m most proud of on this one, I can speak for the art team, we worked incredible hard to make the story more visible than ever. Games are a visual medium, but sometimes it's easier to do things in text format or written in a codex somewhere or alluded to off screen, but we really leaned into trying to make sure that every design, prop, character, environment, that the effects we’re choosing, all these choices were putting the story on screen so you can see it unfold, and I think having worked on all the dragon age games, I'd say Veilguard represents one of the best attempts at that we’ve made yet.

John: I’m gonna cheat and kind of combine both Corinne’s and Matt’s answers. Honestly the companions for me are the absolute highlight. Just being able to work across all the disciplines, building characters who look and sound and behave in very specific and characterful ways. These are the deepest companion arcs we've ever done, not just on Dragon Age but in BioWare in general. Each companion has their own story arc you can go through, decisions you can make. They really do take center stage. As you play through them, you see the care and love that the team has put into each and every one. I mean, there’s moments in each arc that make you cry, make you angry, make you excited, and the way they integrate into the story as a whole for me is something that’s been really fun. Finding ways to bring these characters together, ways to bring this story, this narrative, of you know, you need to put together a team and stop the end of the world, has been absolutely exciting and thrilling. And again, you see the team's love in every single piece of it. As for what I’m most excited, Dragon Age has been part of my career and part of my life for literally the last decade and a half, I’ve worked on it since Origins, and there's something about the Veilguard that feels an amazing mix of novelty and familiarity, it’s like coming home in a way that I feel is going to be very exciting for people who are existing Dragon Age players, but there’s also so much here that’s just new and exciting for people, new players and old players alike. Going to parts of the world, seeing things we’ve never seen before, and just getting to take this amazing world and series and expand on it and build on it in ways that I’ve just been, honestly an absolute thrill, the best part of my career, and I’ve been in games for 17 years now and this has been the absolute highlight for me, so that’s what I’m excited about.

Corinne: I just wanna yes and that. I so completely agree with you. There’ve been times in companion arcs where even knowing what's going to happen, we work on the game, with some of these decisions, I've had to set down the controller, let out a heavy sigh, and go “oh my god, what am I gonna do here?” The depth of them is wonderful. I do wanna put this out there, when we talk about as a developer what we are most proud of, can we just give a big shout out to the dev team? I am so proud of them. This team has poured their hearts into this. Anyone from BioWare who’s listening in, thank you so much. Y’all are just the best.

Q: Why does Varric have dark hair now?

Matt: He's been adventuring for a while now. His hair is more gray, but he's been in very dark scenes so far, so we’ll see him in some more contexts.

Q: Will the Inquisitor be appearing in the flesh or are we just choosing their major DAI decisions?

Corinne: Yes they will. The Inky does appear. We've know how attached y’all are to the Inquisitor, we’ve seen the love for your OC. Yes, the Inquisitor shows up. We'd already confirmed that a few places, so let me just say you can also customize them and it includes some of our new customization options. Yeah they’re gonna show up and they’re gonna be your Inquisitor.

John: And I think beyond that, the story of Solas and the story of the Inquisitor obviously are tied together as much as any story, so it would have been strange for us not to bring them in for this one. They’re gonna be a part of this story.

Q: Will there be any planned DLCs and transmog armor?

Corinne: Right now our focus is entirely on the quality of the game, it's so important at this stage for us to be all in, all attention on finishing this game and delivering on the quality and the promise of it. So that's all I can really say on it, we're 100% focused on this being the most complete game we can make it. I wanna emphasize, there's not gonna be any microtransactions or battle passes, you don't have to connect online. Our focus is making this the most complete single player we possibly can. Now this was kind of a twofer question. Will there be transmog? Hell yeah. I’m the kind of player that believes fashion is the real endgames. Yeah there’s a transmog system, absolutely. It’s sick.

Q: Will any of the characters be asexual?

Corinne: Such a good question. So, look I'm gonna be really forthcoming with yall and a little bit vulnerable, I'm ace. I'm a gray ace, I don't mind sharing that, I’m kind of public with it. I will say though that none of our companions this time around are explicitly ace. We look at the characters, their motivations, who they are, we always assess is this the right time. This time it wasn't. What I will say for everyone on the ace spectrum on there, I would love to represent an ace relationship sometime in the future when it feels like the most authentic fit for a companion, when we can do it best. And I do see some questions, what do we mean by ace? Asexuality. We often refer to it as the ace spectrum.

Q: Can mage Rook do blood magic? Will blood magic be a skill tree separate from regular magic?

Corinne: OK, this gets a bit spoilery, so let me just say, Rook has some pretty good reasons to avoid blood magic. Rook is not gonna wanna be interested in that. But I will say, the mage skill tree is packed with all kinds of spells, traits, and perks to give you a ton of flexibility in your magic. Gonna go off script just a little bit because I’ve seen “just tell us about the specializations”. I’m not gonna tell you the deets, but there is a necromancer one. There is an elemental one, and there is one that’s actually more of like a combat mage. It’s my favorite.

Q: Can we name the griffon? We also have a griffon emoji in this Discord server.

John: Excellent. So, someone in your party, again, spoilers, may have already named the baby griffon, but don’t worry, Assan is a very good boy.

Corinne: All these griffon emojis, y’all are killing me.

Q: Will we have a camp/home/headquarters that we’ll be able to customize?

Matt: Well this time around, in Inquisition you had Skyhold. In this case you have a headquarters called the Lighthouse. More to be seen on that, but narratively it serves kind of a different purpose, but also the same purpose. As far as customization goes, there are elements of it that change over time and some things you can adjust. I don’t know how much we’re really going into that at the moment. One thing I like about it is that it definitely does start to feel very much like home over time.

Q: We need to know, does pasta and noodles exist in Thedas?

Matt: I’ll take it as a chance just to geek out about worldbuilding. Again, the Veilguard for us is a really kind of dream opportunity to go to places we've only ever heard reference to or we’ve seen in set. In going through the world building process, and trying to build these things out not just as neat things from the IP, but also as, if you’ve read about this stuff, you've got your own version in your head, you’ve imagined what it might be like and you're probably hoping for something spectacular, and our brains are always far better at creating this stuff than any game developer or any artist can really do justice to, so you really have to swing for the fences to make something very satisfying and exciting. That can be everything as big as architecture and landscape and biomes and ecosystems, but it does get into things like art and culture and costume design, and also food. This time around that was one of the many things we did look into to try to catch the character and feel of a place to make it feel believable and lived in. So that’s my really long answer for yeah, I'm sure at least one place does have pasta.

Q: Are we getting a mabari?

Matt: Ooh, that’s a good question. I will say you’re spending most of the game in the north of Thedas. Mabari are not nearly as big of a thing up there, so in this particular instance, no, you will not get a mabari, sadly.

Q: Can we pet the griffon?

John: You, I’m really sorry to have to be the one to tell you—Nah, I’m kidding, yes you can. It's not even just petting the griffon, I've actually hugged the griffon, so that feels like even there a step up.

Matt: There’s lots of opportunities to interact with the griffon.

Corinne: Can we see Assan in chat if we wanna see him in the Lighthouse hanging out? And hey, y’all, this was so important to the team, too. Like this is the team’s like, just huge support for this feature, so props to them.

Q: Will we get to see any of the character creator before the game releases?

Corinne: Yes. Yes you will. You've probably seen we are laying out a roadmap for what we're gonna show and when we’re gonna talk about it. You will see it as we get a little closer to launch.

Q: Will we be able to play as a qunari dwarf elf or human?

Corinne: hell yeah you will. All 4. And all 4 have that full body customization. I already talked a little bit about, I’ve always loved the qunari, I will say in Dragon Age: Inquisition it was hard to get a good looking qunari hairstyle. So yes you can play as them, you can customize them, the horn options are rad, the hair options are rad. And also related to this, your lineage gives you a lot of really unique dialogue options. So that’s really one aspect of choosing your lineage as well.

John: So actually just to bounce off that, earlier questions about backgrouds. Each lineage, depending on the lineage you choose and the background you choose, there are some specific callouts to, for example, if it’s a Mournwatch, Mournwatch being from Nevarra and mages, if you play as a dwarf, obviously your experiences in that faction is going to be different from, say, a human or an elf, so there are also specific callouts tailored to those combinations and, with the intention of giving each lineage a little flavor as to how they fit into that faction as a whole.

Q: Where is barkspawn and is he ok?

John: Barkspawn is safely gnawing on a bone next to a fireplace somewhere in Ferelden. Don’t worry, he’s fine. You may ask yourself, “but John, it’s been so long.” To which I say, Mabari live exactly as long as they need to.

Q: Will Rook have a set of default name?

John: Yeah, so Rook’s last name is defined based on their faction, again we wanted to tie that into your backstory, but also there's a name generator that can give you a selection of first names, obviously if you wanted to make your own first name, that’s definitely something we support as well. If you’re somebody who maybe has a little more difficulty coming up with a name, so for example you name every single character Bob because that’s the only name you can think of, we also give that opportunity for that generation.

Q: When will the voice acting cast be announced?

John: We worked with a lot of very talented actors on this one. I am super excited to talk about the voice acting cast, we’ll be talking about it more over the summer, we’re not quite ready to announce names yet.

Same answer for collectors editions and preorders, and required PC specs.

Q: Any special musical guests? Tavern songs?

Corinne: Yeah there are tavern songs and a huge credit to the audio team and performance teams, because they’re pretty great. There’s one at a little tavern in Minrathous called the Swan, and the song you hear there might just be my favorite of the tavern songs.

Q: DA2's main theme brought back motifs from DAO main theme. Can we expect DAV to recall more or less of that original thematic material than inquisition?

John: We are not quite ready to talk about music yet in specifics. But in broad strokes I can say that the process for us is always the same. Working with the composer, figuring out themes, figuring out what kinds of elements we want to keep, tying specific elements to maybe specific characters, it's very in depth process and a very collaborative process. We have some fantastic audio people on our team that have done some fantastic work, that have done an amazing job working with composers and with the team as a whole to make sure that again, we said earlier about cohesiveness, making sure that the music feels like a cohesive part of the experience.

Q: When writing the overall story of this game, what themes did you want to have as the prominent focus?

John: Again, it’s interesting. When writing these games, and this has been true on every Dragon Age I’ve been a part of, what you start with and where you end up aren't always necessarily the same. Sometimes you start writing a theme, you realize actually it’s more interesting if you attack it from this angle, or maybe it ends up twisted a little bit. I will say for Dragon Age: the Veilguard, from the beginning one of the biggest themes has been regret. How regret shapes people’s lives, how they deal with their regrets, how maybe people move past regrets. Each of the characters and the story as a whole have elements of these. We wanted to have that thematic, that cohesiveness to the game’s story and the game’s writing.

Q: Can you play a dwarf and does the world react to your race and backstory?

John: Yes, you can play as a dwarf. Yes, the world does react to your race and backstory. And again you’ll have unique dialogues or unique conversations based on that backstory as well as that race.

Corinne: And to give you a little nugget here because I saw it scrolling through real quickly, you have beards. So when I think of dwarves, I think about glorious, fantastic beards. Hell yeah we do.

John: Yeah I can say, as somebody who plays a lot of games, the character creator—I don’t know what magic they did, but the beards, they feel like a beard should feel like, it’s great, they look awesome.

Q: Will our heroes and companions leave us if we go against their wishes?

Corinne: Do y’all just love pain? Do you want us to make you cry? Um... if you go against their wishes and make decisions they don't like, I will tell you, you can piss them off, they might not agree with you, and they will take some time away. That said this is the biggest threat to Thedas we've ever seen, so they will always be willing to defend Thedas, but yeah you can piss them off and they’ll leave for a minute. As it relates to them showing up to defend Thedas, well yeah they will, UNLESS…

John: No spoilers, Corinne. No spoilers.

Corinne: Alright, alright. But they want it!

Q: Did any songs, books, movies, or anything inspire character writing?

John: Art is always a synthesis of your own experiences both in the real world but also the art you consume, the art you pay attention. I don't think that any characters have a direct reference or inspiration, but yeah, they're all inspired by the things we do both in the real world and in the media we consume. And you’re gonna see elements of characters that yeah. The things that we’ve enjoyed show up in these characters. For me it comes down to, writing can be a deeply personal experience, so even if you don't intend for it to be the case, parts of you will show up in the characters. I think that’s true for all the characters in the Veilguard. Sometimes it's exploring things about yourself that you may like or may not like, and sometimes exploring things about characters you like or don't like. So that’s my longwinded way of saying yes, it’s impossible to not have that happen when you’re creating art, but I don’t think there’s one where you can say, “oh this is this character, this is this character.”

Q: What was the thinking process behind making Harding a companion this time around?

John: When we released Inquisition, it was impossible not to see the love that people had for our murderous girl next door dwarf. She has always been a fan favorite obviously. But I think beyond that, it's something that Harding's writer wanted to explore, there was more of a story to tell there and more perspective. And beyond that Harding also has a strong connection to Solas, to Varric, and the events of the last 10 years. So I wouldn’t say it’s always been but I’d say Harding’s probably one of the first ones we settled on as like yes, this is a character we want, and the writer had a story that they wanted to tell with her, so it just made sense.

Matt: You know, actually, to piggy back on that, that’s something I hadn’t even thought about that much and it’s not a huge part of her character, but she tends to be one of the people that have the most insight into who he was.

John: Yeah that’s exactly—that’s a great way of looking at it, too, it also provides you with a little bit of perspective, for players who’ve been around for previous Dragon Age games, but also for new ones, who was Solas? What kind of character was he? Yeah it’s a great, using characters to provide windows into the world is honestly one of my favorite things.

Matt: And when I say was, I just mean in Inquisition.

John: Yes, that’s exactly, yes. Thank you for correcting that.

Q: What approach are you taking to quest and world design in the Veilguard?

John: I think for us it just comes down to relevance and narrative heft. We wanna make sure that each quest provides either a perspective on the world, a perspective on the characters, or it feels immediately and obviously relevant to what you’re doing here. You’re here to save the world. At the end of the day, one of the things that we heard loud and clear was the feedback about how relevant, or in our case not relevant, previous quests have felt, so for Veilguard, we really wanted all quests to feel like something somebody faced with the end of the world would believe was necessary and important. So again, there’s quests of all sorts and sizes, but all of them share that same feeling of, this is the kind of thing that the Veilguard would do. This is the kind of thing that my hero would do. Especially faced with the end of the world.

Corinne: That’s really good, John. That’s so right. I would just again double down on how hand crafted all the quests are. Whether you’re doing the main story or you’re journeying with your companions or you’re out exploring and you encounter a mystery, everything's hand crafted, intentional, we spend a lot of time listening to what yall said, and of course everyone has slightly different tastes, but you're not gonna be gathering shards in the Hinterlands. Everything is built with intention and they’re lovingly handcrafting the experience.

Q: Are there any locations in the game that can only be accessed by making specific story choices?

John: So I don’t wanna get too much into spoilers here, but I will say that locations can fundamentally change based on decisions you make. Some of the parts of the world that you go to, you can have, the choices you make have an impact on how these spaces exist and develop.

Q: Will we be able to control companions in combat?

Corinne: If Rook gets KO'd, the player character gets knocked out, this time around it is time to reload your save, or better yet, the companions have really interesting progression. You can spec them out to be able to revive you, but that’s if you’ve invested in their progression and what they can do. And that said, I mentioned this earlier but I personally spend more time in the nature of this combat system when everything comes together, interacting and directing the companions than I have in any of the other games. So like that’s interactivity between them. Once you play it you’ll see just how engaged the scene is.

Q: Will Solas still occasionally or dramatically speak in iambic pentameter?

John: I actually spent a little bit of time trying to figure out if I wanted to answer this question in iambic pentameter, and then I very quickly gave up. Massive kudos to Patrick who always writes Solas so well. Again, Solas is a returning character. It's the same Solas you know and love or hate depending on who you are. The same writer. So I think this is, the answer is yeah, it's Solas.

Q: Will our decision of who was left in the fade be important?

John: While that decision does not show up—not for the Veilguard, now that said, that doesn’t mean that’s not a decision that won’t ever be important in the future. Not for this one.

Matt: I’m glad to hear you say that, John, because one of my favorite stories was Bob getting stuck in the web in Reboot.

John: That’s a deep cut! The sound of my childhood.

Q: Will we have mounts again?

Matt: No, mounts were, they addressed a need in Inquisition that we don't have in Veilguard, and you’ll see why when you get to play.

Q: How is the side quest design? Will they be mostly story based or will there be a lot of radiant and quests for power like in Inquisition?

John: We talked about this a bit earlier, but they are all hand crafted and story focused. The narrative, the companions, not just the companions but the characters and the world as a whole, are so much at the core of the Veilguard that anything other than handcrafting quests just felt like it would be a disservice to the game we were building.

Corinne: And maybe we can clarify as well, because with power was such a devisive mechanic in Inquisition, there’s no mechanic like that that blocks your progression until you fill a bar. That’s just not a thing in this. You have the autonomy to engage in these quests as you like, there’s no grind out gates before you can progress.

John: That’s right. Again we want to make sure that doing this content feels as natural and part of the logical flow of the story as possible.

Q: Will there be a similar system to war table?

Corinne: We haven't talked much about the player's base, the Lighthouse, and we're gonna save that, but what I will say is that the Lighthouse, your headquarters so to speak, it has its own unique purposes and functions this time. So that's an area that we'll leave for you when we talk more about the Lighthouse and when you have a chance to hop in, you’ll be able to see what those unique purposes are.

Q: If there is dual wield for warriors, is it dex or str?

Corinne: So we did wanna bring dual wielding back. It is part of the rogue kit this time, warriors are really focused on mighty two handed weapons, I can’t wait until you see, when you swing those weapons there's a real heft to it, and then of course sword and shield. So we’re leaving the dual wielding to the rogues, but you can see, the amount of hits you can get in in rapid succession dual wielding as a rogue is really satisfying.

Q: What have been some of the challenges and advantages of working on a single game for so many years?

John: That is a fantastic question. I have often joked, and I don’t know how much of a joke it is, that when this game is out and I suddenly don't have to keep all these pieces of game and lore and story and everything straight in my head, I'm suddenly gonna be able to speak Latin or something because there’s gonna be a ton of brain power freed up. But for me it’s just, the thing that keeps me sustained is just knowing the game we're building is the right one. Knowing that the pieces are coming together, and knowing just how much people care about this franchise, care about these games, and how excited people are going to be when they get to see the fantastic work the team has been doing. I’ve been on this project since the start, and even today I see things on a daily basis that I’m like holy smokes I can't believe what the team is doing, I can’t believe how good this looks. It's a huge game and I don't see every piece every day, so I get pleasantly surprised on a daily basis. Sometimes if I’m having a particularly long day, I'll spend about an hour late at night just watching cutscenes come in, watching the work coming together, and just sitting back and being like, holy smokes, I can’t wait for someone who hasn’t seen this every day as I have, to see this and just be blown away by the work.

Corinne: It's been very real, hasn’t it? I will just say speaking on behalf of the dev team, everyone's working so hard and putting so much passion, so much of themselves into it. This is a franchise they truly love and seeing your support cheering us on has meant a lot to them. So let me just say thank you to all of you.

#dragon age #dav #dragon age: the veilguard #da4

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abeautylives · 7 months ago

Text

Times I Remember Well

(and Some That I Don’t)

Part 3

author’s note: Thank you for reading this ridiculous story. Now for the good stuff.

pairing: female!OCxjake

time frame: 2016-2018

word count: almost 7.8k this part

warnings: language, underage drinking (implied), mentions of sex and sexual situations, nudity, oral (m. and f. receiving), unprotected penetrative sex

You know how most people’s lives change pretty drastically when they move away for college?

What, were you expecting me to claim that I was different, special in some way?

I’m not.

If you’re wondering, Sam and I were fine. I guess he’d matured enough to keep speaking to me when he found out I’d almost fucked his brother. I was still immature enough to give him a classic three day long silent treatment over the whole Sam said he thought you were fucking that guy you dated thing.

I even made him agree to never bring me up to Jake again. Ever.

Anyway, my first semester of college kind of kicked my ass. I was smart enough, but I couldn’t decide on a major and it made the whole experience feel like a waste of time. I didn’t meet anyone worth much of my effort to get to know, and I spent a lot of nights alone in my dorm room. I barely even liked my roommate. Meanwhile, Sam was at home breezing through his last year of high school and preparing to actually go on tour.

Like a real tour. It was my worst nightmare. And I had to hear all about it when I came home for winter break.

But he was excited, of course he was. And I was proud of him. And Josh, and Danny. I couldn’t bring myself to have positive feelings for Jake. After he’d rejected and embarrassed me (again), I’d run off to school determined to lose my v-card to literally anyone who’d never been to Frankenmuth or heard of their band. Fortunately for me, almost no one had heard of either.

So, I did. And Matthew Nowak had been a very cursory and lazy fuck, but he got the job done. I mean, he popped the cherry or whatever, he didn’t make me come, and I never gave him another opportunity to try.

I almost didn’t even go home for Christmas, my dad had been begging me to come see him, but I knew if I didn’t go home, I might never see my best friend again.

Was that a little dramatic? Sure, but the dates for tour were going to start around my birthday, before he even graduated, and he wouldn’t be home for the entire summer. There were talks of getting signed, to a fucking label. Releasing their music to the world. Jake’s dreams were coming true and he was stealing my best fucking friend from me.

He really was an asshole.

I went back to school in the spring a little sad, nostalgic for a time when things were easy and fun, and I always had a weekend smoke sesh in the Kiszka garage to look forward to. There was nothing for me to look forward to in Ann Arbor. Until I met Soph.

Sophie and I were paired up within the first few days of one of our classes, and thank God we were. We clicked instantly, she was almost like a female version of Sam with even better hair.

She got me out of my slump, out of my dorm room and out of my own head.

As we started hanging out more outside of class, we learned about each other’s lives at home, and she let me talk endlessly about Sam. About moving away from Traverse and finding the best friend I’d ever had, growing up with him, becoming an adult at his side.

I don’t remember exactly when it happened, but eventually I ran out of stories and didn’t feel the need to talk about him much anymore.

For a few months, we worked hard and partied harder, and I felt more and more like myself, or my new self, with her help. My new self must have been putting out certain vibes that attracted attention, because I wasn’t hurting for it. Not that I really had back home, but home had narrowed my view, the Kiszkas my whole world. Even when I did date boys, Sam was there to tell me he didn’t like them, then Josh was there shining brighter than the sun, blinding me to them.

Then Jake was there. Ruining me for everyone else, just by existing.

In Ann Arbor, Soph had the opposite effect. Every guy was cute, cute enough to talk to, flirt with, party with. A select few were hot enough to make out with, let them touch our bodies, we would touch theirs. Dance with them, let them pull us close, throw our arms around them and tell them to take us somewhere quieter.

There was that one time, I’d gone back to this guy’s dorm and he’d put a playlist on shuffle. Ya know, so we wouldn’t be heard. And right before I put his dick in my mouth, fucking Highway Tune started playing.

Instant no. I left him there with a hard-on and zero promises of returning.

But anyway, Soph and I had fun every weekend, studied every weeknight. By the end of the second semester, we’d decided on my major, and made sure we would share more classes in the fall.

When summer break rolled around, we spent the first half with her family in Grand Rapids and the second, reluctantly, with my mom. Home was weird without Sam, but he was off galavanting across the U.S. Communication between us had been sparse, though he did call me once every few weeks to fill me in, and let’s be honest, brag. I didn’t mind the bragging, much, but even with how well things were going at school, I’d have given anything to drop it all and be with him.

Even if it meant tolerating Jake.

Life goes on, time keeps on slipping, the wheel in the sky keeps on turning and all that.

College was hard, but Soph and I really buttoned up in the fall. More studying, fewer boys, a little less fun, but Michigan gets cold fast and running wild all over campus didn’t hold the same appeal. We vowed to live it up in the spring, maybe settle down and get some boyfriends. Maybe not.

“Holy shit holy shit!”

We were in the library, Soph across the table from me with wide eyes, laptops, books and notes spread out between us.

“Shhh! What? What the fuck?” She leaned in conspiratorially and I turned my phone around to show her the screen.

“They’re playing in Detroit. They’re coming home!”

“Will you be quiet? Who, Sam’s band?”

That made me laugh every time. I always called it Sam’s band, because he would’ve loved it and someone else I knew would have loathed it.

They hadn’t been home in forever, they were hardly even in the states, and when they’d played the Fillmore in the spring I’d been so bogged down with new classes and so much fucking homework, I couldn’t justify leaving campus let alone the city.

But they were coming back, and I’d be on winter break. Sam had sent me their schedule, which I’d thrust into Soph’s hands.

“Aww, reunion! I wish I could go with you.” Her pouty face was unmatched, but she was going with her parents to visit family in Ohio for the holidays. For a moment, that realization made me panic. I wanted to go, needed to see my best friend, but to do it alone? Why did that make me nervous?

Maybe because I hadn’t seen him in two years. Maybe because I hadn’t seen him in more than two. I doubted I’d even get to spend much time with Sam, and I doubted further that I’d be able to get him away from the others.

Not that I wouldn’t want to hang out with Danny, or even Josh. But… well, you know.

I wondered if they were going home for the brief break between Detroit and Seattle, and I made a mental note to ask Sam.

I’d insisted on buying my own ticket to the show, their third added at the Fox after the first two sold out, but Sam wouldn’t hear of it. He set me up with a ticket and access to see them backstage, and I tried not to let it get to my head. It's not like they were famous or anything.

Selling out multiple shows.

I FaceTime’d Sophie so she could help me decide what to wear - I hadn’t put this kind of pressure on an outfit since the night I kissed… yeah, you saw how that went.

We landed on skin tight faux leather pants, an extremely low-cut black and tan floral print top with a fitted bodice and wide, flowy sleeves, and chunky black boots. I planned to top it off with a vintage fur coat Sam and I had found thrifting a few years back. We’d always joked that it originally belonged to the old lady they named their band after.

“Okayyyyy, so what about your underwear?”

I stopped spinning in front of my phone, where I’d been showing Sophie the whole get up.

“What the fuck do you mean, my underwear? Who cares?”

“Babe, it’s a rock show! What if you meet a super hot guy with like, tattoos and a tongue ring that wants to rock your world?” I watched her eyebrows waggle as she stuck her own tongue out at me.

“Yeah I don’t think that’s really their demographic.”

But… an idea started to form. Sexy underwear would make me feel sexy. Who would be irritated to see me, looking and feeling sexy, arguably hotter now than I’d ever been? Who would be downright furious to watch me get a little flirty, a little provocative with another man? Men? His brothers?

Ohhh, Jake Kiszka was gonna kill me. And it was gonna be worth it.

The ticket Sam held for me was in the front fucking row. Of the seats, behind the pit floor, but still. How embarrassing, what if I didn’t know any of the words? I didn’t really listen to their music, not since I was in high school, watching them practice or play at Fischer.

As you can imagine, I didn’t need to worry. Every, single, song was familiar. Songs that they’d written or started writing when Sam was barely fifteen. But the people around me knew them all, better than I did actually.

That was… pretty cool.

I left my seat as the guys were blowing kisses and throwing flowers into the crowd, stopped in a bathroom to check myself out, and followed Sam’s directions to make it backstage. The guys made it there before me, I could hear their excited voices from the hall as a security guard led me to their green room. We slowed as we got closer, and I stopped the guard before we reached the door, composing myself, slipping my coat off, smoothing my hair and controlling my expression.

You should've seen his face when I walked through the doorway, slow clapping and wearing my best deadpan. They all turned their heads in my direction, but his face was the one I sought out.

His cheeks were still flushed from the stage (he honestly goes crazy up there) but he immediately turned so bright pink I hoped his head would explode.

“YOU’RE HERE! Holy shit, you’re here!” Sam rushed at me and instantly my feet were off the ground, he swung me around and I couldn’t help the smile that stretched wide as I laughed with him.

“You’re sweaty! Put me down, idiot!” He dropped me to my feet and grabbed a hand, lifted it above my head and spun me in a circle.

“Look at you, you look hot, T!” His laughter cracked loud and joyous and my heart soared. He didn’t mean anything by it, of course, but he was right and I knew it.

Danny approached me next, taller and even broader than I ever remembered him being, and wrapped me up in another sweaty hug. “Good to see you, did you get tinier?” We laughed and I slapped him away. Then Josh caught my eye, arms crossed over his bare chest under an open black vest and leaning against the vanity, grinning.

I moved toward him and he met me in the middle, opened his arms and threw them around me. He didn’t make fun of me, or comment on the way I looked. Our cheeks were pressed together and he turned his face and dropped a kiss to mine. “We’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you guys too, more than you know.”

He let me go and his grin stretched into a blinding smile. “What’d you think of the show?”

“It was fucking awesome, I can’t believe you guys are like, legit rockstars! Seems like yesterday you were jamming in your garage.” Sam sidled up and threw a long arm over my shoulders.

“To be fair, we didn’t really stop jamming in the garage until last year, T.”

I knew that, I guess. But I’d missed it, and I’d missed the moment my best friend grew up. But this wasn’t the time to get weepy about that. I still had a mission to accomplish.

Turning out of Sam’s hold, I faced him. He no longer looked apoplectic, but his nostrils were flared and his arms were crossed, one hand running a finger across his chin below pursed lips. His focus was distinctly somewhere on the floor, but I walked toward him and watched his eyes connect with my boots and then travel, slowly, all the way up my body.

Get a good look, asshole.

And he did, his gaze lingered for a fraction of a second on my hips, and then again on my chest before it finally met my face.

Say something stupid, I dare you.

“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”

My own eyes rolled in my skull. “Good to see you too, Jacob. How have you been?”

His features twisted in confusion for just a moment before he smoothed them back out. Good.

“Fantastic, living the dream, ya know. How have you been, Tiny?”

“Oh, really good!” I crossed one arm, tucking it under my tits and pushing them up while I twirled a finger through a strand of my hair with the other hand. “I’m majoring in English and Writing and aced all of my finals this past semester. Just really living my best on-campus life. Work hard, play hard and all that.”

It was so satisfying, the way he’d accidentally looked at my chest and then failed to look back at my face until I was done speaking. I swear to you my pussy fluttered when he swallowed, hard, before responding. It was that satisfying.

“That’s- ahem, that’s great. Glad to hear it. Thanks for coming by to say hi or whatever but we need to pack up our gear and head to the hotel.”

Nice try.

“Oh, cool! I’d love to come with you guys, I just miss you all so much.” His face started turning pink again before I looked over my shoulder. “Sammy! Can I come with and hang out at the hotel? Just for a little bit?” I whipped my head back, my hair swinging with it, to see his face before Sam even answered.

I wanted to see if steam came out of his ears.

“Fuck yeah! You can crash with me if you want!”

One corner of my mouth lifted and curled. “Perfect!”

I regret to inform you that no steam came out. But I think it was pretty close.

When I pulled in at the hotel, I texted Sam and he told me they were in the lobby so I flipped my visor down, checked my face and fluffed my hair. After a deep breath, I got out of the car and made my way inside.

The hotel wasn’t anything too ritzy, and I figured despite it all, they weren’t that famous. Sam still looked and sounded like the best friend I’d grown up with, though there was something about him that had become more attractive. All of them actually exuded more… sex appeal?

Ugh, musicians.

My timing was pretty good, I entered the building in time to catch them getting in the elevator, Jake being the last left in the lobby. But we caught each other’s eye and instead of walking on, he backed up a step. The doors closed and the elevator rose without him.

He stood there, hands tucked into the pockets of his jeans, and waited for me to reach him. When I did, he spoke before I could.

“What are you doing here, T?”

I painted confusion on my face instead of the pure gratification I actually felt. “Visiting my friends? What are you-“

“Cut the bullshit. It’s unbecoming.”

Okay, that was a little wrinkle in my plan. I hadn’t even started shamelessly flirting with anyone yet and he was already cursing at me. I doubled down.

“I came to see them, Jake.” I pressed the button to call the elevator back down and crossed my arms.

“And what about me?”

“What about you?” Just as I glanced up, feigning more interest in the LED display of numbers as the elevator came down than this conversation, he stepped closer and gripped my arm. Pulled me closer.

It felt familiar.

“I’m not buying it. Come on.” The elevator dinged and the doors opened to an empty car, but he was already pulling me down a hall toward a stairwell door. It swung open as he shoved through it, yanked me through and pushed me ahead of him, and it slammed shut behind us.

The stairwell was silent, our breathing was amplified and bounced off the walls. His voice made me flinch.

“Third floor. Go.”

Four flights of stairs and two landings separated me from their room. That was fine, I could do it.

Except he stayed behind me the entire time and didn’t speak a word. By the time I pushed the door to the third floor open, my nerves were fried and I was still trying to discern his reasoning for taking the stairs. If he had yelled at me or pushed me to the wall and kissed me in the stairwell, it would’ve made more sense. Instead, he placed a hand low on my back and led me down a deserted hallway to room 307. I breathed a shaky sigh of relief, ready to abandon the plan completely and run to Sam, use him as a personal human shield for the rest of the night.

But he pulled a key card out of his pocket and slid it into the lock, and the heavy door opened to a dark, empty room.

Jake stepped inside and flicked on a light, holding the door open for me. I didn’t move.

“Jake, what-“

“Get in here, we need to talk.”

It sounded like a terrible idea, I hadn’t come here to talk. I came to spend time with Sam and do enough harmless flirting with the guys to drive Jake crazy.

“No. Where are the guys?”

He just stared at me for a tense few seconds before he sighed impatiently. “In Sam and Danny’s room.”

“And which room would that be, exactly? I’ll just go knock-“

“Please.”

I know, I know. Did he really have to go and ask nicely?

“Fine, you know what? You have five minutes then I’m the fuck out of here.” He had the nerve to give me a tight-lipped smile, lift his palm and wave me in as I started to pass him and head into the room. Then he let the door swing shut.

We were alone.

The room was pretty standard, two queen-size beds, a table and two chairs. Not exactly rockstar shit. I tossed my coat onto the closest bed.

“You want a drink?”

I dropped into a chair, crossed my legs and folded my hands over my knee. “No, I don’t. What did you need to talk to me about? You have four minutes.”

He pulled a White Claw out of the mini fridge, popped the tab and sat at the end of the bed closest to me. After a swig from the can, he leaned forward and propped his elbows on his knees.

“Three minutes.”

“Jesus, give it a rest, T.” He pinned me with a glare and my eyes widened. “Don’t. Don’t act all affronted because you’re not getting your way, I’m sick of it.”

“I don’t know what you mean, I-“

“Stop! Tell me why you’re really here.”

“To see Sam! I told you-“

He stood from the bed, leaned across me and slammed the can onto the table. I jumped in my seat, but then he bent down and gripped the arms of the chair on either side of me. Right in my face, he ripped me to shreds.

“I’m tired of this, T. Since day one, everything has always had to be all about you, your feelings, your stupid ideas, your fucking games.”

That was ridiculous and it straightened my spine, I sat up taller and put us nose to nose, but he didn’t stop.

“How many times have you come between us and Sam? Pitted us against each other? Run away when you didn’t get your way, with one of us or all of us?”

With a huff, he pushed himself away from me but now I was ready for a fight. Launching from the chair, my body followed his. “And what about you, Jake? You spent years fucking with me, leading me on, just to humiliate me over and over again!”

“Is that really what you think?!” We were squared up now, hands flailing as we yelled in each other's faces. “I didn’t do shit, and you spent years avoiding me, making me feel awkward and unwelcome in my own house because God forbid I ever be in the presence of such a self-entitled, delicate fucking princess!”

“Oh, you fucking prick. Fuck you-“

“So eloquent, that’s really lovely Tiny.”

You already know that he said that on purpose.

“Don’t. Call. Me. That.” I was fuming, the steam was probably coming out of my ears, and that pissed me off further. Everything about this was infuriating, my night completely off-railed, my time with my friends ruined. I was done.

I threw my hands up and then put them on his shoulders, with all intention to shove him out of my way and walk out of the room with some part of my dignity intact, for once.

But that’s not exactly what happened.

Because once I touched him, the tension reached a breaking point. And boy did it break.

Before I could push him away, his arms were around me, his hands spread across my back, and he pulled me in.

Yep, he was kissing me.

Our mouths slammed together and all the anger, all the fury, combusted between them.

My own hands betrayed me and shot from a grip on his shoulders to a grip in the hair at the back of his head, still slightly damp from sweat or a shower at the venue, I had no idea. And I didn’t care.

He ravaged my lips until they felt bruised, opened them with his and forced our tongues to battle for dominance, sucked the air from my lungs until I couldn’t breathe. I pulled away to drag some back in but he hardly gave me the chance, tugging me back in to kiss my lips, bite my jaw, murmuring between the attacks.

“Why are you really here…”

His hands slid up my back and sunk into my hair, pulled my head to the side so he could continue his attack on my neck, my throat.

“Say it, the truth.”

My brain was in shut down, I forgot what words were and how to make them. His teeth reminded me, scraping along my skin.

“You. For you.”

His lips closed over mine again and he was moving me, two steps backward and we turned, the back of my knees hit the bed where he’d been sitting. Our mouths broke apart, our hands fell away. The sound of our breathing, fast and uneven, thundered between us.

“I’m not gonna stop this time, T.”

My heart stumbled over its next few beats.

“I don’t want you to.”

We fell back into silence as he reached forward and slid his hands up underneath my shirt, rough fingertips pushing the fabric up over my ribs, my chest, I lifted my arms and let him pull it over my head and shook my hair out as he let it drop to the floor.

There was just enough light coming from the only one he’d flicked on, and the moonlight spilling through the uncovered window, that I saw his nostrils flare. His eyes trailed over my lace and silk covered chest before meeting mine.

“You’re so beautiful,” My breath caught, I held it. “I’ve never told you how beautiful you are.”

I couldn’t speak, emotion squeezing my throat, the words I’d always wanted to hear from him tightening every muscle in my body. So instead, I mirrored his actions and tucked my fingers under the hem of his t-shirt. Soft, heated skin met my touch and I flattened my palms over his hips, up over his stomach and I swear he trembled. Seriously! When they made it to his chest, I could feel the hard, steady beat of his heart, rapid beneath my hand.

Maybe he knew I could feel it, maybe not, but he leaned in and pulled a soft, sweet kiss from my lips before he took over and tugged the shirt over his head.

“Jake…” His chest and stomach were lightly toned and completely flawless, a glimpse of which I’d gotten when he was onstage, shirtless under an open jacket. I wanted to tell him just how perfect I thought he was, he’d always been, but the words wouldn’t come. So I bent my knees and dropped to the bed, the barely there happy trail leading up from the low waist of his pants now directly in front of my face.

I leaned forward and kissed it. A strangled noise came from above me, I smiled against his skin. Then his hand was in my hair and he pulled, forcing my face up. He smirked.

“You ever done this before?”

Asshole.

Blindly I reached for and found the button of his jeans, popped it open and worked his zipper down slowly.

“Please don’t piss me off, or I won’t be nice.”

A chuckle rumbled through his chest. “Just making sure.”

His grip in my hair kept my chin tilted up, eyes locked with his. I peeled the denim over his hips and pulled it down to his knees. Heat rolled off his body in waves, I was dying to look at it, take it all in but there was fire in his stare and I was burning. My fingertips mapped out what I couldn’t see, found the subtle V that led down into his briefs and traced it before I tucked them under the elastic and rolled it down his legs.

Jake Kiszka’s cock bobbed in the air between his hips and my face. Crazy, I know. I wrapped shaky fingers around him, felt how thick and hard he was before I’d even seen it, tried to picture what I could remember from his dark bedroom.

“Fuck, T.” I tightened my grip on him, just a little, stroked him once. His eyes slid shut. “I can’t believe you’re here.” I stroked him again and his grasp on my hair loosened, my chin dropped and there it was. As perfect as the rest of him, his dick was big, the head flushed pink. My mouth watered.

For real.

In that moment, I wondered quickly what he liked, how fast, how slow, how hard? My tongue slid out and tasted him, just the very tip, and he snatched my hair up again. The sting in my scalp made my eyes water and I opened my lips and took him in, wrapped them around him and swirled my tongue over his skin. He whimpered.

I could be remembering that wrong, but I swear he did.

He wanted to take control, I could feel it in the smallest amount of pressure from his knuckles on my scalp, but I wanted to be stubborn. I was tired of the control he seemed to have over every one of our interactions. I released him with a soft pop and his eyes shot open.

“C’monnn,” he groaned. I took my hand off of his dick and pushed him back, he almost stumbled, his legs still trapped in his half-removed jeans. I stood from the bed, spun us around and reversed our positions, then pushed him by the shoulders to sit.

“Patience, Jake, patience.” I flicked the front clasp of my bra open and felt the unrestrained relief as my tits spilled out, then that flutter of satisfaction as his eyes went wide right before going soft and dreamy. What can I say, Jake’s a breast man. “Aht.” He’d reached for them, lifted his hands like he just couldn’t wait to feel them again, but they paused in midair. “I said patience.”

He huffed out a sigh and dropped them, so I continued. Made a little show out of unzipping my boots, sliding them off and peeling the skin-tight material of my pants down my legs. His fingers flexed against his thighs the entire time, clenching into fists and releasing over and over. I waited until I was left in just the lacy thong to instruct him to remove his pants.

His boots were kicked off and denim tossed away in an instant.

And there we were again. Jake, fully bared to me while we stared at each other, my tits out and pussy covered. But this wasn’t going to end the way it did two years ago.

Not if I had anything to say about it.

I dropped to my knees and his legs spread, making room for me to kneel between them. His cock jumped when I touched him, just my fingertips, up his shins and over his kneecaps before I placed my palms flat on his thighs. When I peeked up at him through my lashes, he was staring hard, jaw clenched and nostrils flared again. So I continued to trace my fingers over his skin, further up his thighs, over his hips, up and down his happy trail.

Through gritted teeth, “Baby, please.”

Baby? I was throbbing, slick between my thighs already but that hit me like lightning.

I wrapped a fist around him at the base and took him all the way to the back of my throat.

I had to.

A string of rough curses fell from his lips and a hand tangled in my hair, but I kept my composure, sucking him in and stroking with my fist, letting him sink as deep as I could without choking. His skin was hot velvet on my tongue, I could taste his desire, his need, and I couldn’t help the moan that rippled up my throat around his cock.

“Jesus fuck.” His hips jerked, I gagged around him, he fisted the hair at the back of my head and yanked me off of him. “Get up here.”

Remember how I wanted to maintain the control here? Yeah, I failed.

He used his grip on my head to bring my lips to his, his tongue sweeping in to dance with mine immediately, his hands moving down my body to pull me up and into his lap. I threw my arms around him and rocked into it instantly, his roving hands landing on my ass and pulling me in, his dick rock hard and slick with my spit grinding against my silk-covered pussy.

Just like that, I lost control of my insolent mouth too.

The kiss broke and I rested my forehead on his, my eyes trained on what was happening between our hips. “God… I-“ The head of his cock caught on my clit, I gasped at the feeling. “I’ve wanted you for so long.”

Embarrassing, I know. But then… ohh then.

His hands skimmed up my ribs until they were cupping my breasts, thumbs grazing over my nipples.

“I’ve wanted you longer, T. Forever.”

Goosebumps. Literal goosebumps ran up my arms, I shivered, my nipples tightened, and he pulled one into his mouth. He sucked and lapped at it, thumb still moving over the other, and without hesitation he sunk his teeth in.

“Fuck yes, yes yes…”

His tongue circled it again and he released it, pressed a hot and fast kiss to my mouth.

“You still like that, huh?” He chuckled as he opened his lips over the other side. The silk between my legs was soaked, I could feel how easily I was sliding over his cock, and I was getting impatient despite the way I’d reprimanded him hardly ten minutes ago.

“Jake, please…”

He popped off of my nipple and pulled another kiss from my lips, then leaned back and let one corner of his mouth curl up, self-satisfied and cocky.

Still an asshole.

“Please what, baby? Tell me.”

My eyes rolled, even as he tucked his face into the crook of my neck, nipped and licked me there.

“I want you inside, please fuck me.” Self-control, out the window.

“Mmm,” he hummed into my skin, “No.”

Before I could be properly offended, and believe me, I was, he gripped my thighs and hauled me up, then deposited me onto the mattress. Well, tossed me, really. I bounced once, arms and legs flailing, hair falling in my face. By the time I pushed it away and propped myself up on my elbows, he was standing at the foot of the bed, dick in his fist. I opened my mouth to speak, to yell at him or beg him to stick it in, I don’t know, but he was stroking himself, and he moaned. My mouth snapped shut.

“I’m not gonna fuck you,” I scoffed, offended, pissed even. “Yet.” He let himself go and placed his hands on the mattress, then climbed onto the edge of the bed and started crawling towards me.

It was so fucking hot. His cheeks were flushed, his hair wild from my hands, his eyes dark. I backed away, moving up the bed until my shoulders met the headboard. He didn’t stop coming, and I didn’t want him to. Instinctively, my knees bent and my legs fell open, inviting him in. But he didn’t settle there, when his hands reached me, he grabbed me by the calf and threw my leg over his shoulder on his way down.

His mouth opened over damp silk and I cried out, his name or God’s, I’m not sure, but his lips and tongue were moving against me and I may have blacked out. I came to when one of his hands skimmed up my inner thigh, and he broke away long enough to slip two fingers under the material and tug it aside.

Jake Kiszka’s tongue was on my actual, bare pussy.

My shoulders sagged against the headboard as I reached for him, burying my fingers in his already tangled and unruly hair, our eyes met and he dragged his tongue over me again and again.

“Shit, you were right, this is better,” I panted. He smiled against my cunt and I felt it. I smiled too.

My cheeks hurt I was smiling so hard, until he laser-focused his attention to my clit. His lips wrapped around it and he sucked it past them, my jaw dropped.

“Oh, oh my God, oh my God!” He was good at this. Too good. The beginnings of an orgasm were already swirling, tightening in my belly, making my toes tingle. The tip of his tongue moving against me until he opened his mouth over me again, and I felt it plunge inside me. The sounds I was making were unholy but I had no shame, I couldn’t feel anything other than need. I needed to scream, I needed to come, I needed him.

He brought a hand up around my thigh and ran his thumb over my folds, licking himself as he lapped at me, then swirled it over my clit as his tongue fucked me. Before I could even moan, two fingers from his other hand replaced his tongue inside me.

“Jake!”

His head tilted and he pressed his lips against my thigh, kissed it and grinned. “Yes?” Fingers everywhere, filling me and fucking me, circling the most sensitive part of me - I forgot what I wanted to say, if I had even wanted to. Instead I pulled his mouth back, he slid his thumb away and flicked his tongue against me.

“Yessss, yes just like that, please!” I let my eyes close and stars were already dancing behind my lids, I was close, so close, and I told him so. I moaned it and his fingers plunged deep and curled. I screamed it and he sucked my clit back into his mouth.

I came hard, nails dug into his scalp, bucking my hips against his face, screaming his name.

It was unreal. College guys had nothing, fucking nothing, on him.

Before my muscles had even relaxed, he lifted his head from between my thighs and moved up my body, his fingers still pumping slowly inside me as he kissed my hip, my stomach, my breast on his way up to my mouth. He tasted like me when my tongue touched his, and he eased his fingers from my body.

“Absolutely fucking stunning, breathtaking.”

His breath was taken? I still couldn’t breathe, my chest continued to heave as he left the bed, taking my panties down my legs with him, and I could barely lift my head to see what he was doing. My eyes closed and I felt the mattress dip with his weight as he returned and settled on his heels between my legs, still splayed open. I cracked an eyelid and found him watching me, wrapped condom held between his fingers.

Under his gaze, I shifted down until my head rested on the pillows, spreading my legs wider, pussy presented to him on a silver fucking platter.

This was happening. There was absolutely no way this was not happening. Not this time.

“Now, Jake.” Unrecognizable, my voice had a distinct sex kitten-like quality that I loved as soon as it hit my ears. He must have loved it too, because his dick twitched and he gripped it. I reached up and snatched the condom from his fingers, tore it open and started rolling it on while his eyes bugged out and his jaw fell slack.

“Jesus, not your first time, huh?” My hand replaced his around him and I stroked, he leaned over me and I guided the head to my center, moved it through the slick pool of arousal there. He paused, poised to enter me, and met my eyes.

“I’m pretty much out of firsts, Jake.”

His eyes closed, his hips rocked forward, and he pushed just past my opening, the tip not even fully inside me.

I tilted my own hips up, he slipped a fraction of an inch deeper. I whispered, and it was sexy, and seductive. “It could’ve been you.”

He sucked in a sharp breath, opened his eyes and we watched each other’s faces as he sunk deeper, slowly, to the hilt. “It should’ve been me.”

Stunned, speechless, we stayed like that. Unmoving, bodies connected, eyes locked. He broke first, dropping his lips to mine and rocking into me softly. A sound I’d never heard before, quieter than a moan, crept up his throat, trapped behind his lips as they caressed mine. My legs lifted, cradling him between my thighs and wrapping around him.

It was gentle, sweet. The exact opposite of how I knew it would’ve been, if I’d let him be my first, thinking he wasn’t.

I felt my cheeks warm, my eyes pool with tears. I blinked them away. This was everything I’d wanted and more. I knew I’d been an idiot to think otherwise. Especially when he pulled back and delivered a quick, deep thrust and there was no pain. Only pleasure bloomed inside me, hot and volatile.

“Again, more…”

An excellent listener, he repeated it. Again, again, and I met each thrust with my own. Our kiss turned frantic, sloppy, lips and tongues clashing and pushing, pulling and taking. The temperature in the room was rising with the heat of our skin, our bodies slipping against each other. He lifted his chest from mine, hands braced on the pillows on either side of my head, and the conditioned air on our damp skin made us both groan in ecstasy.

I damn near came again, almost commented on it but he dropped back down and shoved an arm between me and the mattress, rolled us both. We laughed as we landed, his hair strewn across the pillow and mine falling in his face. My laughter stuck in my throat when he grabbed onto my thighs and pulled, tucking my knees against his hips and forcing me to sit. I propped myself up with my hands on his chest and fell back into the rhythm, my hips rolling.

“Goddamn, you feel so good, look so good riding me.”

My head fell back as his words rippled through me, his fingertips digging into me, his hands moving my body over his. He brought one to my chest, squeezed me roughly, rolled my nipple with his fingers, pinched it. Hard.

“Yes!” He did the same to the other, my pussy clenched around him.

“You like when it hurts a little, don’t you?”

“I- I don’t know, I guess so- ohhh!” He wrapped a hand around each tit and sunk his fingertips into my flesh, then kneaded them both, ran the pads of his thumbs over the peaks.

“Fuck, that’s so hot. You’re fucking perfect.”

Yeah, I lost my mind a little bit. My hips bucked wildly in his lap. Perfect? Me? My nails pressed into his skin, I dragged them down his chest, reveling in the sharp hiss sucked between his teeth, the way his own hips lifted from the bed and he fucked into me. Sharp, fast thrusts hitting me so deep I was screaming his name. He sat up and pulled my face to his, kissed me hard, bit down on my bottom lip, and then tipped me backwards.

My head was nearly hanging off the end of the bed, but really, who cares? My ankles locked behind his back and he was slamming his hips into the back of my thighs.

Fuck, was I gonna come? He had to be close. I lifted my head, now very much hanging off the bed, to ask him.

Beep. Click.

His hips stuttered and paused, we both whipped our heads to the door, which was fucking opening.

Josh appeared, his foot crossed the threshold and he was looking down at his phone.

“GET OUT!!” We yelled in unison. Josh’s head popped up, his eyes went huge, and then he laughed.

“Shit, sorry guys.” He started backing out into the hall, the door creaking closed. “About time,” We heard him chuckling to himself and the door clicked behind him.

Jake turned his face back to me and seemed to realize for the first time that I was barely on the mattress. An arm wrapped around my back and he shifted us until I could look him in the eyes.

“What the fuck…” I whispered up at him.

His smile was subtle and affectionate before it stretched to a full grin, and he huffed a laugh.

“There was no fucking way I was stopping.”

I matched his grin and lifted to pull a kiss from his lips. “Good.”

He tucked his face into my neck and began the roll of his body into mine again. I let my hands roam across his back as he kissed and nipped my skin and his thrusts picked up speed. The orgasm that had been teasing me before we were interrupted built again quickly, and Jake was panting in my ear.

But then… then. A whisper. Low and deep, but a whisper nonetheless.

My name, my real name, hit my ear and I gasped, right on the edge.

“Come for me. Please come for me.”

How could I say no?

It broke, crashed, consumed me. His name on my lips as I tightened, writhed, and shook for him.

He didn’t stop, didn’t slow, he chased after me and followed into the flames. My name burned into my flesh by his kisses, a guttural groan as he came inside me.

Easily the best orgasm I’d ever had. Easily.

Because he’s just a man, albeit an incredibly hot, multiple-orgasm-inducing man, he collapsed on top of me. I let him. I ran my hands over his sweat-dampened hair and the soft skin of his back and we both caught our breath. Then he started giggling.

I pinched his ass. “What’s so funny, Kiszka?”

His head popped up and he propped himself on an elbow, a wide grin splitting his face in half, gorgeous. “I can’t believe we waited so long to do that, that might’ve been the best sex I’ve ever had.”

We both laughed as I slapped his chest. “Might be?!”

“Okay okay, you’re right.” He looked at me dreamily, his eyes bouncing around my face. “It was the best.”

Because I’m a woman, albeit a mind-blowing sex goddess, I started overthinking. I couldn’t help it! You should’ve seen the way he was looking at me.

“Jake…” He lifted his eyebrows, I lifted a hand to his face, tucked a loose strand of hair behind his ear. “What does this mean?”

Those eyebrows knitted together, a quick moment to think that over. Then he kissed me, soft and slow.

“I don’t know what it means. But I do know this hotel has free breakfast downstairs, so be up and ready by nine.” His smile stretched again, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Oooh, do you think they have French toast? That’s Sam’s favorite.”

He attacked me, tickled me until I had tears in my eyes, kissed me until I was breathless, and fell asleep with his arms around me.

The truth is, I don’t remember the exact moment I fell utterly, completely in love with Jake Kiszka. Maybe you should ask him.

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yggdraseed · 1 year ago

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Women in Jujutsu Kaisen

Let’s get this out of the way first: if you’re reading this because you enjoy reading posts by people who hate Jujutsu Kaisen, you’re going to be disappointed. I actually like Jujutsu Kaisen a lot, I have a lot of positive things to say about it, and I’m going to be explaining my reasoning here. You should probably move on if you want trash talk. But if you have a negative view point that you’re nevertheless willing to reevaluate or recontextualize by looking at things from a new perspective, please read on.

A lot has been said about how women are written in Jujutsu Kaisen. A lot of good, and a lot of bad. I think a lot of the bad comes from how Jujutsu Kaisen was praised so early on for how it’s women were written, only for people to either not see it or have their expectations not be met due to events in Shibuya and the Culling Games. However, while I try to respect diversity of opinion, I feel like a lot of people aren’t really grasping why the way GeGe Akutami writes women was lauded. I think a people have lots of different ideas of what makes for a well-written female character, and don’t find what they’re looking for in Jujutsu Kaisen, thus they get angry and they post online about how GeGe Akutamisogyny isn’t going to beat “the allegations.”

I’ve never liked the justifications put forth for that argument. There’s a lot of subtext to how the female cast of Jujutsu Kaisen are written that can’t fit neatly into the simple world of page and panel counts or win-loss ratios. And, fortunately, there are tools for feminist literary analysis that I am going to employ in what will hopefully be a short trilogy of posts, starting here.

When I see people criticizing how women are written in Jujutsu Kaisen, I usually only see them using one point of interest: the outcome of a fight. If a female character doesn’t win a fight, then some people in the audience take that to mean that GeGe Akutami hates that character, hates women, and doesn’t want them to succeed — or some variation of that, perhaps less extreme.

This is a product of Jujutsu Kaisen being a Shonen, and thus being on the radar of Shonen fans who — let’s be honest — are not known widely for consuming anime or manga outside of the Shonen demographic. Shonen is heavily focused on conflict and competition as storytelling, it’s why the term “battle shonen” is used so prevalently. And Jujutsu Kaisen doesn’t try to deny its own Shonen heritage: it uses fights for storytelling all the time, sometimes even more than other Shonen seem to do.

I think this might also be a cultural thing. Anime and manga are written very differently from Western movies or comic books, with very different cultural background and different artistic sensibilities. However, that’s a topic that I’ll unpack another time, maybe not even in Part 2 or 3 of this post.

Point is, we need to step back and get some perspective. People who use the losses or deaths among the female cast as evidence that GeGe hates women, or sees women as inferior, or has some sort of passive, culturally-inherited sexism in their worldview are suffering from tunnel vision. You need to look at the story as a whole sometimes, not just the one subject in question.

Go back to the Goodwill Event, and the fight between Nobara and Momo. Their whole conversation is a huge part of why Jujutsu Kaisen was praised early on for how Akutami writes women, and I think the subtext of it really went over some people’s heads. It did mine, the first time around: to me, it just felt like a competent, if tired “girl power” moment for Nobara. But as I invested more time and thought into reading the series, and as I learned more since first viewing that scene, I started to realize what I wasn’t seeing in that scene.

Momo shares something in common with all of the Kyoto Students, Todo and Miwa being the exception. In addition to seemingly coming from a more-or-less established sorcerer pedigree, Momo shares the general pessimism that hangs over the Kyoto Students like a dark cloud. There’s this very morosely Japanese sense of “woe is me, but there’s nothing to be done” about Momo, Mai, Noritoshi, and Mechamaru, in one sense or another. These four are people who will complain about a problem, then just sit while it washes over them and batters them like a wave. They just accept the unfair hand they’re dealt in life, and while they don’t like it, they treat it as something no one can overcome. Furthermore, on some level, I think these four don’t necessarily want to overcome the misfortunes and injustices they face.

See, Momo pours her heart out at length about how hard it is being a woman and being a sorcerer. And the way she talks about it is a very different critique of society than you’d see in a lot of Shonen. She talks about how women are expected to be perfect: beautiful, graceful, exquisite, the model of femininity, while also keeping up with the macho “might makes right” sensibilities that dominate sorcery. In her words, “men have to be strong, women have to be perfect.”

This isn’t something that’s just being plucked out of thin air, this is a criticism of the girlboss culture that arose through the 2000s and 2010s up to now. Women are expected to battle sexism alone, in their own lives, by being exceptional: rather than reforming cultural structures that put women at a disadvantage to men, girlboss culture says women just need to always wear perfect makeup, always be fashionable, always work 2.5 times harder than men, and find time to raise children and have a side-hustle at the same time. Instead of fixing the problem, it’s telling women, “Just work harder. Just be better.” As if women haven’t been having to work harder for nothing in return for the past 50 years, holding down jobs that they have to go above and beyond to prove themselves in as compared to male coworkers for whom the job might as well be a guarantee by comparison, having a ceiling put on their promotion while men who didn’t put in as much work get to move up the company ladder, and frequently having to juggle having a child and taking care of housework in addition to the expectations of jobs that often don’t afford maternity leave. And then, on top of all of that, the expectation is then foisted on to have the time and energy to perfectly craft your hair, makeup, and outfit for the day, and if you miss a single step of the whole stupid dance, you’re seen as an underachiever. That’s girlboss culture, and that’s what Momo is indirectly criticizing when she laments the contradictory and unfair expectations women in the sorcery world have to uphold. They need to fight just as hard as the men, while wearing skirts and not getting a single scar on that pretty face.

(Just as an aside, I love the way this conversation comes about. Momo and Mai are pretty close to each other, to the point that it sometimes feels like nobody else in the Kyoto school likes or respects Mai like Momo does. And Momo targets Nobara with this whole speech because of the friction between Mai and Nobara, and because she wants to stand up for Mai. I like that element of both solidarity and conflict between women, about being a woman, and I’ve always gotten sapphic vibes from Momo and Mai, so I’m glad that she’s the one giving this whole speech and why she’s doing it. But I digress.)

And the thing is, she’s not wrong. Neither Nobara nor the story as an overall entity refutes anything she says. However, Nobara points out something else about Momo that she shares in common with the other Kyoto Students who were raised to be sorcerers: the way she treats her whole life like a job. Momo has internalized the culture she despises, and instead of trying to rebel, she just accepts all of it as “the way the world works.” She soldiers on, just as Noritoshi soldiers on with his family’s expectations, Mai soldiers on with her pain and feeling of being abanoned, and Mechamaru soldiers on with the isolation, unfairness, and general misery that comes with his Heavenly Pact. Soldiering on, as if soldiering on has inherent value when it leads nowhere and accomplishes nothing. Never addressing the problem, or trying to find a way around it; simply rolling that boulder up the hill, grumbling all the way. She and the other Kyoto Students have this sense of treating their own misfortune as a badge of honor. To them, they’re justified and validated because they have experienced more than their fair share of suffering. They’re always eager to flaunt the crosses they have to bear.

Momo treats being a woman as a curse. Funny how that ties into the rest of the narrative, huh?

For Nobara, being a woman is not some great burden she has to live with. Being a woman in general and being Nobara Kugisaki in particular is something she revels in, and it’s just the fault of everyone else if they think otherwise.

Let’s talk about Nobara, and let’s not reduce her to her death scene. When we meet Nobara, she’s immersing herself in the Tokyo way of life after moving from the countryside to the big city. She encounters a sleazy talent agency recruiter who’s pestering women on the street with his hand-rubbing, obviously nefarious ways… only for Nobara to stop him, turn him around, and say, “What about me?” He gets intimidated, tries to run, and she drags him back. From her perspective, he should be happy to have her, and the fact he isn’t means he’s ignorant of her beauty and wit and needs to be corrected. If he won’t convert to Kugisakism, then her charms are wasted on him, and he’s doomed to the dim world that is Nobaralessness. When she meets Yuji and Megumi, she introduces herself with a line that’s translated into English as, “I’m the only woman in your group.” But from what I’ve been able to gather, her line in Japanese is, “I’m the red mark.” The phrase “red mark” can mean “the one who’s different from the others” — like the one girl in a group of boys — or it can mean “the one who stands out.” So you can also read it as her saying, “I’m the stand-out of the group.” Nobara Kugisaki, everybody.

If you want to talk about how literary circles analyze how women are writing, let’s leave the topics of fight outcomes and feats to one side. One thing you immediately look for is motivation. What’s motivating a character? This is important for how female characters are written, and especially in Shonen, which revolves so much around characters with some goal or belief that the story pursues through fights and other forms of adversity.

Now poorly-written women will tend to be motivated by men. They’ll be attracted to a man, or trying to support or protect a man, or trying to find a man. This by itself isn’t a death sentence for a woman’s characterization, but it is a red flag. It’s also not as if women have to never interact with or think about men to be well-written. It’s not an on-off switch, a bad writing-good writing switch. It’s a meter, like Mahoraga steadily adapting to a technique. Just a little bit is fine, and can be even turned into good writing in capable hands. But if it becomes too prevalent and is never examined, then you get a situation where a story’s women are not permitted lives outside of being in a male character’s orbit.

How do we gauge this? Well, there are lots of ways, but one of the more well-known and simple techniques is the Bechdel test. The name is derived from Alison Bechdel, feminist author who penned such classics as Dykes to Watch Out For. Bechdel proposed a simple litmus test for how to tell an author’s seriousness about writing women, and it goes like this: 1.) Look for scenes where women talk to each other. 2.) In those scenes, check for how often they’re talking about things besides male characters.

This isn’t the only way to tell if women are written well or not, and some will say it isn’t even the best way, but it’s a good foot in the door to get us thinking about what divides well-written female characters from poorly-written female characters. I’m not going to go back and scan through the whole manga just yet, but let’s look at some examples.

— The aforementioned conversation between Nobara and Momo, where the two pit their different view of what it means to be a woman and a sorcerer against one another. — Maki and Nobara talking to each other after the encounter with Mai and Todo. Curious by meeting Maki’s sister, Nobara talks to Maki a bit about their upbringing. Having gained more insights into Maki’s past and personality, Nobara leans on her and tells her how much she respects her. — Miwa and Mai discussing the upcoming Goodwill Event in a flashback. Mai tells Miwa that Maki is weak, which leaves Miwa unprepared for their fight. — Maki and Mai arguing and coming to terms with what drove them apart. Mai just wanted a peaceful life with Maki, but Maki couldn’t be happy and authentic with herself if she just left things the way they were. She was forced to choose between herself and Mai, and Maki chose herself, knowing that Mai would suffer and that she’d shoulder some of the guilt for that.

This indicates that GeGe found it important to divorce the identities of the female characters from male characters. And this holds true in what drives and motivates the female cast.

Nobara is motivated by her own goals. She hates the countryside, and she loves the city; becoming a sorcerer is a way she can make a lot of money, live in the city, and pursue the kind of lifestyle she values. She wants to be a true blue Tokyoite, wearing trendy clothes and eating crepes and taking selfies by the statue of Hachiko outside Shibuya Station. She’s not doing this to avenge her dead brother, she’s not doing this to find her father, she’s not searching for a strong man to sire strong children — yuck. Nobara has aesthetic values and strongly held beliefs, and becoming a sorcerer lets her pursue those values and beliefs.

And if you really want to analyze the action side of Jujutsu Kaisen as an indicator for how GeGe feels about female characters, consider how Nobara takes to sorcery like a fish to water. Both Megumi and Yuji have their own internal dilemmas with being a sorcerer, but not Nobara. In a series where mindset is so important, Nobara has the mindset. Uro describes the model sorcerer as having “no concern for others and an overwhelming sense of self.” There is no one with a more overwhelming sense of self than Nobara. She’s loud, opinionated, loves to argue, flaunts herself, and demands other people give her more than what they think she’s due. She’s narcissistic, but that faith in herself makes her mentally strong.

She lacks experience, but even then, she learns and grows rapidly through the series. Due to running out of nails to fend off cursed spirits during the first stretch of Fearsome Womb chapters, she invents Hairpin as a way to reuse nails she’s already launched and embedded in a surface. She manages to land a Black Flash during the tag team fight with Yuji, and it’s her oppressive use of Resonance on Eso and Kechizu that turns the tides — a tactic which required her to hammer nails into her own arm. She takes it on the chin and gets her brain rattled around in her skull during the fight with Haruta, but even while borderline unconscious and suffering from a concussion, she forces herself to keep him talking in hopes Nitta can escape and manages to get to her feet and keep fighting despite the total disorientation and inability to summon her strength. While she didn’t win the fight, she showed more fighting spirit than half of the male cast tends to, and I find it kind of gross that people will ignore all of that and mock someone who kept fighting against the odds. That’s like laughing at Mumen Rider when he’s hopelessly trying to fight Sea King even as his body is breaking. I don’t exactly see what about either case is so funny or worthy of ridicule.

Even in the showdown with Mahito, people always fixate on how she dies, but never consider what led to it. She crosses paths with Mahito, and even knowing from Yuji what he’s capable of, she goes in — partially because he hurt Yuji, her friend, and she wants to make him suffer for it. And her technique turns out to be a worst case scenario for Mahito. She’s hammering his clone with Resonance and sending the blowback to the original while he’s fighting Yuji, dividing his attention and weakening him. Her only mistake was chasing him down, and even then, this isn’t the story punishing her. It’s the story being consistent with who Nobara is. She’s got a dangerous enemy on the ropes, her pride is bruised after the fight with Haruta, and she has a chance to get vengeance on someone who’s hurt her friend while helping said friend in the process. If she hadn’t followed Mahito into the subway, then she wouldn’t be Nobara Kugisaki.

And in her final moments, Nobara achieves something that’s considered to be out of reach of most sorcerers. She dies content, with a smile on her face. Nobara may not have realized her potential to be a great sorcerer, but she got what she, personally, wanted. Sorcery was a means to an end, and she got to live the Tokyo life and meet interesting people that she considers her friends. She got to fill out that finite number of seats in her life, and even meet a few people who pulled up a chair when she didn’t expect it. In her words, “It wasn’t so bad.” Nobody else but Toji and Gojo have gotten to die this satisfied — Toji because Megumi had grown up free of the Zen’in curse, Gojo because he was authentic to himself right to the end and left it all on the field. Nobara was authentic to herself right to the end, and that’s worthy of high praise. If she is definitely dead and not coming back, then she managed to accomplish what it was she wanted before dying. Not many get that luxury in Jujutsu Kaisen. It hurts because I liked her and admired her and appreciate the way she was written, and her dying doesn’t make the value of her character disappear from the story entirely. It’s the character’s death, it’s everything that led to that death and what that death means to them and to those who are left behind. And if it’s manga that explore death, nobody does it better than GeGe Akutami.

Lots of people will point to an interview where GeGe said that Nobara was not originally considered part of the cast, and they’ll use that as evidence that secretly, GeGe’s a big stupid misogynist who hates women and likes killing them in stories and blah blah blah blah blah. You know, first of all, I doubt that the editor held a gun to GeGe’s head and said “Put in a female main character or die.” Secondly, if GeGe really didn’t care, Nobara would just be a two-dimensional copy of Sakura who dies in the first arc or two. GeGe would not have put in the effort to set her apart from other female leads, or given her so many stand-out moments, or given her such an interesting motivation and world view. In short, if GeGe didn’t want to write a female character, they’d do what Kishimoto did: write Sakura. But that comparison is a can of worms I’ll need to pry open another time.

To sum up for the time being, no, GeGe Akutami does not hate women. Losing a fight does not make a female character worthless, and does not indicate a disdain for them on the part of the author. I don’t know about you, but I don’t read Shonen just to see who punches harder. I want to see characters be challenged, sometimes fail, learn, grow, and overcome adversity — and it wouldn’t be adversity if all the characters I like win and survive easily. I love Kashimo and will continue to love Kashimo, and Kashimo being super ultra dead doesn’t change that.

Look out for Part 2, in which I’m going to unpack some really contentious stuff when it comes to challenges and female characters in Jujutsu Kaisen. We’re gonna talk about the concept of screen time, we’re gonna talk about subtext, we’re gonna talk about great expectations and the great unexpected in Jujutsu Kaisen, and we’re gonna talk more in-depth about the narrative outside the narrative of Jujutsu Kaisen in a vacuum. If your sense for danger is giving you a bad feeling about this, then it should be: we’re talking about that. Switch on your Anti-Gravity System, it’s going to get messy.

#jujutsu kaisen #literary analysis #analysis #jjk analysis #feminism #feminist literature #feminist literary analysis #nobara kugisaki #maki zenin #akutami gege

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uniquexusposts · 4 months ago

Text

Her || Charles

Main characters: Charles Leclerc x OC Genre: fanfiction, fluff Story type: novel Part: 19/? Word count: 3729 Co writer: @mistrose23

Story summary: Matilde Jørgensen, the new Scuderia Ferrari team principal, faced the nerve-wracking challenge of reviving the team's fortunes and aiming for a championship. Leading a historic team as a 'newbie' and separating her work and personal opinions posed a significant challenge. The big question: is she capable to do so?

Previous chapter

Chapter 17. A Boss Ass Bitch

The next day, everybody went back to work like nothing had happened in Austria. A few people noticed how Matilde and Charles just talked to each other instead of ignoring each other and sharing death glances. It brought up some suspicions, but the people were glad there was no tension.

The people who had to be in the pre-race weekend meeting were present: the team principal, all the heads of departments, the drivers and other people who just had to be there.

"A few of you got to meet Ada already, some of you have not yet. Ada, our new social media manager, will work closely with Dario and his team. Ada used to work for LEGO, and we're happy to have her on board with us," Matilde mentioned. "It is our goal to get more engagement with our fans through social media."

"How are we going to do that?" Silvia asked, she was truly interested in the new approach. It was fresh, new, different.

"That's up to the social media team and their strategy. I don't want to name any teams with a very good social media strategy, but I will do it anyway, to give you an example. Aston Martin's social media approach is quite brilliant, and Mercedes's as well. We don't want to copy their strategy, but let's keep it in mind," Matilde replied. She straightened her back, feeling some discomfort in her stomach. She squeezed her eyebrows together and curved her back again.

The people in the room nodded, eager to learn more about the new woman and the new social media approach. The meeting continued with some other topics that needed to be discussed.

"On to the last topic," Silvia said, taking the lead on the last ten minutes of the meeting. "You may have seen or read it, or not yet, but there is a clash going on with some quotes of Matilde," she carefully said, looking at Matilde and analysing her reaction.

Matilde raised her eyebrows, blinking a couple of times.

It was clear to Silvia that Matilde wasn't aware of the situation yet. "Matilde had an interview with Viaplay The Netherlands, and they talked about Charles and Carlos and their contracts. I will quote the interview. Interviewer: 'Matilde, some rumours have been circulating that you encourage Charles and Carlos to speak to other teams. Can you clarify your position on this?' Matilde: 'As a team principal, my goal is to ensure that our drivers, Charles and Carlos, are in the best possible environment to excel in their careers. Part of that process involves understanding what options are available to them. Charles and Carlos are both incredibly talented and highly sought-after drivers, so it's only natural that other teams would express interest in them. I do encourage Charles and Carlos to talk to other teams, it is them who drive the cars and they have an important role within the team, the team is built around them. If they are convinced to see more opportunities in other teams, they are free to go.'"

While everyone in the room listened to the words, heads turned to Matilde. It felt like betrayal, did she just say that she wanted the drivers to go to other teams? Charles frowned; yesterday, Matilde gave him reasons to stay at Ferrari, and now she wants him gone? Carlos sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

"People on Twitter, other platforms and the media are convinced you want them to leave the team," Silvia said to Matilde, who looked just as perplexed as everyone else in the room. Betrayal or surprise? "Do you want to comment on it or leave it be?"

Matilde took a moment to process the words, she was thinking about it and replaying the interview in her head. It was noticeable that she was thinking, her facial expressions said enough. She parted her lips and looked around in the room, it was like she had stabbed her team in the back. Everyone was waiting for a reaction, others already took a side. "I don't have time for this bullshit," was her response. And no, it wasn't the right response. "I have never said that," she added.

"Well, you must have said something about it, otherwise they wouldn't come up with this," Carlos said.

Her face straightened, he was the last one from whom she expected to hear this reaction. "That is not what I meant," she shot back, tears forming in her eyes.

"Then what did you mean?" Carlos asked fiercely.

Matilde looked around, she could burst into tears right now. "I said that I encouraged Charles and Carlos to talk to other teams if they wanted to. If they are convinced that they will not get the satisfaction at Ferrari, then I do not want them on this team, but with a team where they feel happy. I value them so much, but I also want the best for them. And by exploring other opportunities, which is a part of their career development, they will find out what they really want. Ferrari? Fantastic, we will work to get the best cars. Other teams? Amazing, if it makes them feel happier, then that is the cause, equally good friends. I will support Charles, Carlos, and everyone else in this team, with whatever decision they make. The same goes for everyone else on this team." She collected her stuff. "Anything else you want to discuss?" Matilde didn't wait for a reply. "I will talk to Viaplay about this bullshit, because I always have to explain myself anyway. Good afternoon," she said, got up and walked away.

It stayed silent in the room, no one dared to look at anyone. Her words had stirred confusion and emotions she hadn't anticipated.

Silvia gasped for air. "Gosh, she will forget that she has to welcome an important guest now," she said and got up, leaving the meeting to run after Matilde and find her assistant Galileo in the hospitality.

Still, no one dared to speak. Their thoughts and feelings were left to simmer in the tense air. It was a moment of profound discomfort.

"Charles, what did you say to her yesterday?" Someone asked Charles. Charles looked up at the mechanic in question and raised his eyebrows; how dared he to ask that? "We all heard the fight... You were yelling."

"That is all you have to say now?" Charles asked in disbelief.

Another gasp filled the room. All eyes shot to the guy from PR. "Fuck, the first fucking version is published while I explicitly told them to publish the adjusted version. I called them twice to correct them, there's a huge thread in my mail about this, and they apparently are in for some drama. Oh, my god," he groaned. He stood up, collected his items and stormed out of the room.

"See, this isn't Matilde's fault. Viaplay spread lies. Don't blame her," Charles sighed and defended his team principal.

While the remainers were sharing some last words on the discussion, Silvia found Matilde in her office. Her elbows were on the desk, and her head rested in her hands. Silvia was shocked by how exhausted Matilde looked, she wasn't sure if it was because of the situation or something else, perhaps it was the pressure of the last few weekends that was resting on her shoulders. Silvia knocked on the wall, causing Matilde to look up. "Hey... Are you okay?"

Matilde nodded, took a deep breath and stretched her arms. Stretching her arms wasn't a good idea, it gave her an uncomfortable feeling. "Yeah, don't worry," she mumbled. "What's up?"

"There are guests waiting for you downstairs," Silvia mentioned and stepped into the room, closing the door behind her.

"I have to fix this rectification with Viaplay first," Matilde mentioned, hearing desperation and exhaustion in her own voice.

Silvia squeezed her eyebrows together, Matilde wasn't supposed to do that, and she knew that. "Galileo will do that for you," she said in a worried tone, like it was obvious.

"Sure..."

"Should I say that you will be there in fifteen minutes? To give you some time?"

"No, no," Matilde said and got up. She grabbed her bag from the floor, she held back a groan. She put the bag on her desk and searched for some paracetamol. "Could you inform me about our guest?"

While Silvia informed Matilde about the guests, Matilde took in the painkiller and some water. She put on some deo and perfume and took a peppermint. They both made their way to the hall of hospitality.

Matilde put on a smile. "Hello," she said and held out her hand. "Welcome."

The man in the blue suit shook Matilde's hand, just like the woman next to him. No one could tell if she was his daughter, or wife.

"Follow me, please," Matilde said, pointing towards the lounge, leaving Silvia behind at the entrance.

Silvia was glad Matilde could cover up her mood towards the guests and her own people, but she snapped in the meeting, and Silvia couldn't figure out why. She was worried, it didn't feel right. Just when Silvia wanted to turn away, ready to go after Viaplay, she saw Matilde walking back towards her with an annoyed face.

"I swear, the next time we will ever receive guests, they have to take a test about Ferrari and F1. When they fail, they will not set foot in this entire building," Matilde grumbled, annoyed and grabbed a bottle of lukewarm water. "'Thank you, sweetie. Can you get us ice-cold water, please? And tell your boss that we are ready to see him.' Him? Who do you think I am? Your fucking butler?" She poured in two glasses of lukewarm water, put the bottle into the fridge, and looked at Silvia, who Charles had now joined. "Do not invite him again," she stated, returning to the two guests. She smiled professionally again and placed the glasses on the table. "I don't think I properly introduced myself yet, David and Becky," she said. "My name is Matilde Jørgensen, the team principal of Scuderia Ferrari. It is a pleasure to have you here. How are you doing? How was the trip from The States?"

Silvia saw it happening. Embarrassment. Her cheeks turned pink in shame, but it was understandable. At first Charles looked perplexed, but a small smile appeared on his face. "How dare she act like that?" Silvia asked disapprovingly.

Charles' eyes shot to Silvia. "I mean, she is not wrong. How do you not know who the team principal is when a team invites you?"

"Fair, but the way she still got them water. She joins the moment like she is a..."

"A boss ass bitch," Galileo finished the sentence, who joined them after he saw it happening.

"Galileo," she hissed.

He only shrugged. "She says and does the things no one dares to say or do."

Silvia and Charles were about to walk away, leaving Matilde, Galileo and the guests alone in the lounge, ready to go to their next appointment. However, Galileo stopped them, wanting to interrogate Charles.

"How did your 'appointment' go?" Galileo asked Charles and raised one eyebrow. "How rebellious of you, talking to Matilde while she clearly said you couldn't talk to her. What did you do?"

Charles rolled his eyes and sighed. "Get over it, Galileo."

"What? What happened?" Silvia stirred.

"Matilde asked me to keep Charles away from her because of what happened in Austria, and yet he spoke to her. And it wasn't just a small talk, it was way louder than that," Galileo amusingly said.

She gave a side eye to Charles.

"The entire top floor could enjoy it too..."

"What?" Silvia didn't want to ask it, but she was imagining a scene. And she hoped it wasn't true.

"They argued for an hour straight," Galieo mentioned. "How are things going now?"

Charles crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked disapprovingly at Galileo. "Fine, we talked, and we are okay now. Nothing special happened," he answered the question, not giving any details.

Galileo looked impressed, slightly disappointed. "I would have let you suffer for a couple of more days, but fine." With that being said, he walked to the lounge and sat down on the couch across from Matilde.

"Okay..." Silvia mouthed. "Anyway, I'm glad everything is fine now. But how was she yesterday?" As much as she wanted to know everything about the fight, she knew it was private between the two of them.

"Like herself, why?" Charles looked questionable. "Well, a bit irritable, but that was probably because of me."

She nodded slowly. "She looks exhausted, I'm starting to get worried. The way she snapped in the meeting isn't like Matilde at all. She would handle the situation with care. And now this," she signed at the guests.

"Hmm. Well, this morning, during breakfast, I have not seen her eat anything. And also not during lunch."

"I will look after her."

Just when Charles wanted to say something else to Silvia, he was called to the guests. The man and woman looked hopeful and happy, while Matilde looked for help. Luckily, the guests couldn't see Matilde's facial expression. Charles stepped towards the guests, but he kept looking at Matilde, who started to look more and more miserable.

* * *

There was one last meeting at the track today: the team principal's meeting. It was quite an important one for everyone since they got introduced to some new rules.

"Matilde, do you have to say anything?" Stefano Domenicali asked at the end of the meeting, his brows furrowing with concern. "You have been awfully quiet."

Every person in the meeting room looked at the team principal in red; indeed, she had been awfully quiet during the entire meeting. Usually, she would have a say on something, bring in a topic or just crack a sarcastic comment. However, tonight was just... off. She hadn't even said hello when she entered the room, she sat in the back, barely made notes and just stared in front of her. She wasn't herself.

Matilde looked up. "I don't have to say anything. I'm all good," she mentioned.

A collective concern lingered in the room. Her response was curt, lacking the usual energy that characterised her presence in these meetings.

"Are you okay?" Christian asked, he sat two seats away from Matilde. He noticed a change in her behaviour.

She mustered a weak smile and looked at Christian, attempting to brush off the inquiry. "Just tired, you know."

He nodded, seemingly accepting her explanation, but the room's collective gaze lingered. The air held a peculiar tension, a subtle awareness that something was wrong with one of their fellow team principals.

As the meeting came to an end, a question was being asked by Zac Brown, McLaren's CEO. "The food is ready in the next room. Should we call it a night and have dinner?"

Many people agreed, and left the room. However, Matilde didn't move, she couldn't move, she had too little energy to get up and move. She looked down at her empty notebook, trying to focus on not throwing up, but it became difficult as she started to smell food from the room next to theirs. She swallowed hard when she felt something coming up her throat, managing to keep it in. When she looked up from her notebook, she only saw Toto, who remained in the room, waiting for Matilde.

"Are you really okay?" Toto asked.

Initially touched by his gesture, Matilde's relief quickly gave way to a surge of nausea. She started to realise it was not just part of her upcoming menstruation, but it was more. She nodded and gathered her belongings, the onset of discomfort in her abdomen now more pronounced. For the last few days, she had attributed to fatigue; perhaps it was the stress of managing an F1 team, and it was taking its toll. But the pain and nausea didn't make sense. The persistent pain in her stomach was becoming harder to ignore.

She walked towards the exit of the room, she winced at a sudden, sharp pain in her lower right abdomen. It was as if a vice was squeezing her stomach. She steadied herself against a table by putting her hands on it, closing her eyes, taking a deep breath, hoping the pain would subside. It didn't.

Toto stepped towards Matilde with a concerned look in his eyes, and he grabbed her arm. Matilde may be an opponent, but health came first, and when something was off, they were there for each other. "Matilde," Toto said worriedly.

"I'm fine," she breathed, taking another deep breath when standing up again. She opened her eyes and blinked a couple of times. She decided to skip dinner and return to the hotel room immediately. A hot shower, more painkillers and a good night's rest would probably help her through the discomfort she was going through now. Toto squeezed his eyebrows together. "I'm fine," she reassured him. "I'm going back to the hotel room," she announced.

The Mercedes team principal let go of her arm when she stepped away. He first had to find someone from Ferrari to share his concerns and then he would go to the dinner thing in the room next to them. His eyes followed the Dane when she walked to the exit. However, as she reached the doorpost, she nearly collapsed.

With each step Matilde took, the pain intensified, it became a challenge, and cold sweat formed on her forehead. Unbeknownst to her, her face had lost its usual colour. She hesitated, hand on her abdomen, realising it was not a normal fatigue. The pain became relentless, pulsating, and she felt an unexplainable sense of urgency. It was then that the discomfort intensified to a searing pain, and another wave of nausea washed over her. She stumbled, trying to stay stable by placing her hand on the wall.

Toto didn't hesitate and rushed over to her. He grabbed her arm and placed his hand on her lower back to support her. "Horner!" Toto yelled into the hallway. "You are not okay, Matilde," he said to Matilde.

"What is going on?" Christian asked when entering the room with a plate in his hand. He looked from Toto, to Matilde, back to Toto. Matilde didn't look great, Toto looked concerned. "What is going on?"

"Call an ambulance, get the medical team here for now," Toto instructed. "She is not okay," he worriedly said.

Matilde's face was a picture of anguish as the pain continued to rack her body. Her unusually stoic demeanour had given way to visible distress. She clung to Toto for support. Her vision blurred. The walls seemed to close in around her.

"Fuck," Christian said and put his plate on the table. He turned around and ran into the hallway towards the office of the medical centre. He couldn't think about what could be wrong with her, he could only think about getting the right help for her. "Matilde has collapsed. Call an ambulance," he mentioned hopelessly.

The two remaining people in the office got up, grabbed their bag, and ran with Christian back to the meeting room. Once back in the meeting room, Toto had placed Matilde on a chair. Toto and Christian exchanged concerned glances as they saw Matilde's condition deteriorating rapidly. She looked pale, and she was drenched in cold sweat.

The medical team rushed to Matilde's side. They assessed her condition, already doing the job for the ambulance personnel. Matilde didn't allow the medical team to examine her stomach.

"What can it be?" Christian asked silently.

"Matilde has pain in her abdomen, she won't let go of her stomach, slight temperature increase, increased heart rate," a doctor mentioned. "The ambulance is on its way, she needs to go to the hospital for further checks."

"Stress?"

"We are not sure yet. It can be anything. She needs to go to the hospital for further examination."

"Fucking hell," Christian breathed and walked around the room, he was worried that it was wrong, very wrong.

Matilde looked at Christian. "Jens," she breathed. She mumbled some things in Danish.

"Where's Bill?" one of the medical guys asked. "He knows Danish and he knows Matilde, it's easier for all of us if he's here."

The other medical guy checked Matilde's heart rate again. "He's not working this weekend."

"What? What do you mean?" Christian asked, putting all his attention to Matilde, and kneeled down next to her.

"Call Jens," she whispered and swallowed hard. "He's here." She unlocked her phone and handed it over to Christian.

He went to her contacts and called Jens. "He's your brother, right?"

"Yes."

"She's gonna puke," Toto almost shouted in panic.

The doctor quickly grabbed a bin and held it on Matilde's lap. Not much came out of her stomach, but it was a sign of sickness. Christian spoke to Jens, urgently asking him to come to the paddock and the FIA building, ensuring he would be granted access to the facilities.

After a couple of minutes Jens entered the room, the other team principal's and other staff members were waiting in the hallway, all being concerned about what was happening. The ambulance arrived and the paramedics rushed to Matilde's side. They assessed her condition and talked to the medical staff. Matilde was transported to the ambulance, ready to go to the hospital.

"Would someone please inform Ferrari about Matilde being absent for at least this weekend?" Jens asked and looked at Christian and Toto. "We will get in touch with you once we know more. Thank you for looking after her," he gave the two team principles a reassuring smile and walked to the ambulance.

Christian and Toto were left behind in the meeting room, the rush and adrenaline slowly disappeared. They looked around, still processing the moment.

"I knew something was off, but I didn't know it was this bad," Christian mentioned and grabbed his phone. "I will go to Ferrari and inform them," he said.

"Great idea. And keep me updated," Toto nodded. "I hope it is nothing too bad."

"Fingers crossed," Christian hummed and left the room. "We don't have any information yet," he mentioned to the others, who were waiting in the hallway. "But it's probably not life-threatening." When he left the building, he hurried to Ferrari's hospitality to inform them about the situation.

Next chapter

Taglist: @itsjustkhaos@crashingwavesofeuphoria@maryvibess @chocolatefartstrawberry @snzleclerc

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cdragons · 10 months ago

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Crass Family Moodboards & Headcanons

These are moodboards and headcanons for the Crass Family in my Snowbaird AU story, "Feathers & Threads Soaked in Red." I also plan to make some for the Snow Family and the Covey in District 12. If you are curious after reading these, please visit this page and read the story!

Icarus Magnus Crass - played by Richard Madden

Icarus Magnus Crass is the Head of the House of Crass. He was an only child and had an extremely strict upbringing.

Before his current position as Secretary of Defense, he was the youngest soldier to quickly rise to the rank of General.

Icarus was groomed to be the next president by his father should the elderly President Ravinstill have an "unfortunate" demise

He lived an extremely isolated childhood - his education consisted of private tutors before attending the Academy & University

His only comforts in his childhood were Sephia Rose & his piano

Had a long-term engagement to an obscenely wealthy heiress before he went public of his relationship with Sephia Rose and was sent to the military

When he married Sephia Rose, in his vows he told her: "I was born to love you."

He would often use the secret tunnels to watch Sephia Rose sleep when she first came to the manor - he had never met anyone so different and pretty.

Icarus is someone who had every opportunity to grab power, but he chose happiness. In choosing love, he lived a fulfilling life with a wife who he loved more than anything and was blessed with children he would give his life for in a heartbeat. He is who Snow could have been if Coryo had just been medicated.

Sephia Rose/Kore Hayes - played by Haley Bennett

To the Capitol's Elite, she is Kore Hayes. But to herself and her family, only then can she be Sephia Rose.

She and Icarus have built a life together in the capitol, where she is the mother of three children with all Covey names.

Sephia was very scared of Icarus when they first met as children - she didn't know if she was safe around Capitol children.

But she and him quickly got along after he would show her his piano and even play a song of an old lullaby.

Before she founded her clothing brand "Lis et Rose", she modeled for some of the most exclusive clothing brands in the Capitol and even found ways to model her own clothes.

When Icarus enlisted in the military, she presented offerings in the garden to pray for his protection

During the war, she would write letters to Icarus every day while he was on the war front, and she always place a kiss at the end of each letter.

SHe made sure that he children knew all her Covery's skills, including how to garden and cook.

Sephia Rose lived an incredibly harrowing life. But her resilience for hope had helped her find light in the darkest of tunnels. She never lost touch with her roots and often told her children stories of her childhood. She is grateful every day for the love that blossomed between her and her husband.

Laurus Orion Crass - played by Josha Stradowski

Laurus Orion Crass, or Laurie, is the firstborn to Icarus and Sephia Rose and heir to the Crass House and fortune.

Because of his position, Laurie always had a lot of pressure placed on him due to society's expectations for him to be a military man like his father.

He knows that he is very fortunate to have such incredible role models for parents who only gave him support and love while teaching him how to exercise caution

He was a premature baby by almost 4 weeks and had to be placed in the ICU due to his lungs not being fully developed and still sometimes has asthma attacks

Before his godmother died, he would often play at her office whenever he visited due to his health issues as a baby, and this inspired him to want to become a surgeon.

He learned the piano from his father, and it would serve as a great way for them to bond when he came home from work.

He is very proud of the name his mother gave him - Laurus, which means victory, and Orion was his dad's favorite constellation.

Laurie is not a fan of Casca Highbottom - he noticed at a very young age that the Dean would always stay too close to his mother whenever they came in for parent-teacher meetings.

Laurie Orion is no stranger to the Capitol's dangers and hypocrisies and makes it his personal goal to fulfill his godmother's wish of establishing clinics in the districts before her "death." He may or may not have a crush on a particular girl he met in District 4. He is Sejanus Plinth if the boy had some goddamn impulse control.

Agalia Iris Crass - played by Annalise Basso

Agalia Iris Crass is the second eldest and only daughter of Icarus and Sephia Rose.

Because of how much she looks like her mom, her father had always been very protective over her

Agalia was born right before the war broke out - just enough time for her father to cry at her birth.

Ambition + Moxie - she has dreams of becoming a principal ballet dancer by her early 20s.

Her endless curiosity and good heart remind Sephia Rose of Kaety Amaryllis - Aggie often wishes she could remember her godmother.

Like her brother, she takes a lot of pride in her name - irises symbolize hope and valor, and Agalia means joy.

She first remembered dancing at five when her mother sang Lavender's Blue to her baby brother.

She designed and made all her costumes since her very first recital and even crocheted all her sweaters and cardigans.

Aggie Iris is the kind of girl who will fool you with her sweet smile and pretty eyes only to tear you apart with her spitfire spirit. While she despises the inhumane nature of the Hunger Games, she still has a little bit of anger towards the rebels since they "killed" her godmother. While she doesn't remember what she looks like, she swears that she can hear her voice every time she plays her music box.

Arcturus 'Arthur' Lucus Crass - played by kid on pinterest

Arcturus Lucus Crass, or Arthur, is the second son and youngest child of Icarus and Sephia Rose.

The sweetest kid you will ever meet in the history of the world - he's also the most likely to accidentally wander off (his parents got him a leash)

Nature kid with the greenest thumb - he will spend hours on hours with his mom in the greenhouse

Out of all the kids, his temperament and behavior most resemble their mother.

Every animal will fight to the death to protect this kid - every single one of Dr. Gaul's mutts loves him.

Speaking of animals, he has a penchant for walking in public like any animal from ages 2-6, and the leash only encouraged him.

Fell in love with crocheting when he did it with Aggie and Sephia Rose - now he has a playground equivalent to the black market for his toys.

His name was in dedication to his birthplace - the grove filled with amaryllis flowers in his family's garden his mother made to honor her Lillycat.

Arthur Lucus may be a bit naive, but he is not stupid. He's his parents' son after all, and although he is young he does know that there are people who want to hurt the people he loves. But he has a heart so big he loves the whole world, and he even has a fairy godmother who tries to help him in a distant wood when she can.

Tagging: @ethereal-athalia, @valeskafics, @aphroditesmoon, @mitsuki91, @tatumrileyslover, @asa-do-your-thing, @arcielee, @agir1ukn0w, @imsofuckingdonewiththisgoddamn, @dreaming-for-an-escape, @musical-theatre-gay

Please like and reblog and/or comment!

#snowbaird #coriolanus x lucy gray #coriolanus snow x lucy gray baird #coriolanus snow #lucy gray baird #my ocs #oc stuff #my fanfiction #my stuff #my writing #feathers & threads soaked in red #ftsir #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #thg series #the hunger games: the ballad of songbirds and snakes

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mysteryshoptls · 2 years ago

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SSR Sebek Zigvolt New Year's Attire Personal Story: Part 3

"I'll fight strongly and beautifully!"

(Part 1) (Part 2) Part 3

[Beside Mister S's Mystery Shop]

Sebek: HUP!!

[CLANG!!]

Heartslabyul Student A: Alright, it's an easy-to-hit shot. Now's our chance, aim for the far right!

Heartslabyul Student B: I know. I need to aim towards the opposite of where Sebek's at… There!

[thock!]

Sebek: VIL-SENPAI!

Vil: I hear you. Leave it to me! Hah!

[whack!]

Heartslabyul Student B: Eh… Sebek let the shuttlecock go!?

Heartslabyul Student A: Oh shoot, we're totally out of position…! Just lob it back for now and get ready!

Vil: SEBEK! SWITCH!

Sebek: ROGER!

Sebek: Didn't I say I was a completely different person from before? This is my ultimate attack… If you think you can return it, then just try it!

Sebek: HAAAAAAARGGH!!

[SMASH!!]

Heartslabyul Student A: Urgh… Sebek just used his height to his advantage and just completely smashed that lobbed shuttlecock…

Heartslabyul Student B: Urrrgh, it's our loss. What's going on? They've completely changed from this morning and are now actually cooperating!

Vil: That was an easy win. Good job, Sebek. Both your breathing and your hair aren't out of place at all.

Sebek: Heh, that's no surprise.

Sebek: But you're the same, Vil-senpai. Not only is your hair still in place, but your sash is still perfectly around your waist.

Vil: Who do you think you're speaking to? Now come, we'll keep this pace going.

Sebek: RIGHT!!!!

Cater/Ruggie: …

Ruggie: Uhhh, does it seem to you like those two're suddenly super in sync?

Cater: Yeaaah. Up until a little bit ago, it really looked like Vil-kun was really having a hard time dealing with that runaway train Sebek-kun…

Cater: But now they're definitely in sync. Maybe they had a strategy session during their break?

Ruggie: I don't get why they're complimentin' each other's looks 'n not their play, though.

Ruggie: Hmmm… I wasn't really worried 'bout gettin' the special bonus nabbed by those two, but…

Ruggie: I might be a bit more worried now.

Cater: We should make a new plan of attack while we can during our break, too. We def can't lose to them.

Vil: HAH!!

[CLANK!!]

Pomefiore Student/Ignihyde Student: Urgh… We-We lost…

Sebek: Come challenge us again sometime. We'll take you on anytime.

Vil: That concludes our matches for today. Once we finish closing the shop, we'll be done.

Sebek: Right. Before we get to that, let me check my mirror again.

Sebek: Hm… My hair was set in place until the very end. Perfect!

Sebek: However, I must say I'm surprised. I completely believed that the secret to your hair staying in place was due to the way you carried yourself, but…

Sebek: I was not expecting there to be hair products geared towards sports!

Vil: Strictly speaking, it's just hair wax that isn't affected by sweat. Of course I use it for sports, but it also comes in handy when I find myself outside in the summer as well.

Vil: After setting your hair with this hair wax, use hair spray to finish it off, and…

Vil: It will end up looking soft. However, no matter how rigorously you move, it won't send your set hairstyle into disarray. Isn't it lovely?

Sebek: Indeed. It is much more effective than I believed it would be.

Sebek: I went ahead and already bought the hair product that you showed me, Vil-senpai. Next time, I'll be able to play ＨＡＧＯＩＴＡ without worry about my hair.

Sebek: WITH THIS, REGARDLESS OF WHEN MALLEUS-SAMA COMES TO THE SHOP, I WILL BE PREPARED!

Vil: That being said, of course, there is also a limit to which the wax will be able to keep your hair in place…

Vil: The whole reason why your hair is not as out of place as it was before is all because you opened up to working together with me.

Sebek: So, essentially… not making any unnecessary movements helps to keep up a well-groomed appearance.

Sebek: That must be the reason why you were so adamantly nagging me about cooperating in the ＨＡＧＯＩＴＡ battles together.

Sebek: I've learned something new today. My fortunes are indeed good to learn such a valuable lesson so quickly after the new year begins!

Vil: I wasn't saying all that just for you to learn about fixing your appearance, though…

Vil: Well, we're able to work together now that you've finally started listening to what I had been saying, so I suppose all's well that ends well.

Vil: Let us continue to cover for each other so as to not be forced to make unnecessary movements.

Sebek: Leave it to me. As expected of someone like me, I'll fight strongly and beautifully!

Sebek: Oh, right. If there is something you would like, let me know. I'll grant it to the best of my abilities.

Vil: Huh? What's with this complete change in attitude? You're so nice all of a sudden.

Sebek: I said it during the break as well, didn't I? I am always striving to be worthy of being the Young Master's attendant.

Sebek: If it weren't for being placed on the same team as you, I would have not even known of this hair product to exist.

Sebek: I hate to admit it, but I've attained a great gift. If I do not thank you properly, I would not be able to call myself Malleus-sama's attendant.

Vil: Oho. Then, I would like to have some plants native to Briar Valley to test as possible materials for my line of care products. Will you be able to procure them?

Sebek: Is that all? Leave it to me. It may take me some time, but I will gather them up for you.

Vil: Fufu, I got my hands on an unexpected reward. Although this is your way of thanking me for the information, perhaps I should be thanking you as well?

Vil: We'll have to keep this up to get the special bonus in the end, too. Come now, let us return to the shop already.

Sebek: …Humph. At first, I thought he was only a human who could do nothing but nag, but I feel we can see each other eye to eye now.

Sebek: And our ＨＡＧＯＩＴＡ skills are only getting better.

Sebek: At this rate, for all our excellent effort, that special bonus is as good as ours.

Sebek: Please, watch me, Malleus-sama…! I, Sebek, will work hard so as to not bring shame as one of your retainers!

(Part 1) (Part 2) Part 3

#twisted wonderland #twst #sebek zigvolt #vil schoenheit #cater diamond #ruggie bucchi #twst sebek #twst vil #twst ruggie #twst translation #twst new years #mention: malleus

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h3ntaichrist · 3 months ago

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ahem, i have some THINGS to SAY, and i'm well aware this may ruffle more than a few feathers. but i find my message to be more important than sparing the feelings of those who continuously evade accountability and the accompanying shame. TW: mentions of religious trauma, addiction, childhood trauma.

the most common response i've seen, online and irl, from christians when encountering something they don’t like or believe is wrong (often based on misguided interpretations of their scripture), is mockery and contempt. usually taking place in the form of memes, jokes, and slanderous or insulting rhetoric. it’s their gut reaction, an attempt to shame others. the only other group i've seen do this as much, if not more, than christians is gen x, but i’ll save that for another time.

this is my experience as bisexual, spiritual but non-religious, ciswoman that heavily supports the very social movements that are often targets of christian mockery: BLM, indigenous land rights, #metoo, LGBTQI+ rights, gun violence prevention, climate change action, USA’s pisspoor hEaLthCaRe system, fentanyl awareness, and systemic poverty. i could go on.

i grew up in the church and i learned a lot. my daddy was a preacher for quite some time, so i speak on these things with a WHOLE lot of experience. i was a troubled kid, born of addict parents. i moved in with my dad around 7 or 8 after my mama “moved to louisiana to be closer to her mom so she could get better”. this wasn’t the real story, nor did it happen that way for my mama, but that’s beside the present point.

i had a lot going on at home that little me couldn’t process alone, and i was never in therapy long enough for it to make a positive impact. each time a therapist started asking questions that pointed to the home dynamic with my dad and step-mom, i was transferred to a new one. this continued until i was no longer taken to therapy, entirely out of my control and earnestly at my detriment.

during this extremely transformative and impressionable period of my adolescence, i spent a whole lot of my time in the church—not just on sunday mornings. i was actively involved with my youth group, attended wednesday services, church camps, retreats, and went on a mission trip to broken arrow, oklahoma. while i made some friends and had some incredible experiences, these were also the places where i felt the most ostracized and i don’t think anything has come close to it since. i was a troubled kid from generational trauma, not wealth, and was destined to be the breaker of this cycle. its real hard to find your footing when the odds are heavily stacked against you.

i was very fortunate to have my grandparents, who provided comfort, kindness, and support, shielding me as much as they could from all the chaos and trauma i experienced at the hands of people who were supposed to protect me. but they could only do much. as a result, i rebelled—hard. or at least as hard as a girl growing up in the church, the bible belt, and just over an hour from Pulaski, TN, a city infamous for reasons you can google, could rebel.

my youth pastor welcomed my weirdness. we didn’t talk much about my situation, but there was an unspoken understanding between us that i’ll never forget or appreciate any less. unfortunately, the same cannot be said for most of the folks i encountered during this time. i often felt humiliated and alone, mocked, and held in contempt. not by all, but certainly the majority.

there are a few folks i still keep in touch with today, one of whom feels almost exactly the way i do. our conversations as adults have been very validating. my childhood best friend, despite our different manifestations of similar childhood trauma, did her best to stay close to me, and for that, i am forever grateful. but again, these supportive experiences were the minority. i wouldn’t feel right not including them, though.

so, forgive me if i do not share your sentiments regarding the “mockery” of your religion during this Olympic season. i don’t care. i honestly couldn’t care less. i know so many people ranging from young to old who share similar stories of experiences with the church, stories filled with mockery, isolation, false concern, and contempt.

i’m not trying to say that one wrong makes another right. this extends beyond some simple tit for tat. so much wrongdoing has occurred throughout history at the hands of christians supposedly carrying out the justice and desires of their lord. it’s time christians learn about, if they aren’t already educated, and subsequently acknowledge this. it’s time christians listen to the stories of those they cast out from their communities, whether indirectly or directly, and work to understand the impact those experiences had on them.

i personally think a step in the right direction would be attempting to understand WHY their religion and its followers are so often mocked and ridiculed by those who have suffered at its hands. but as long as its members choose to blame the devil for the current discourse, rather than acknowledging their transgressions, i will continue to care absolutely zero about the mockery of their religion.

my experiences and observations have shown me that the mockery and contempt often displayed by christians towards those they disagree with is not just a reaction to modern social movements, but a continuation of a long history of exclusion and judgement. this behavior has deep roots in the very bones of the church and its misguided teachings. its crucial for christians to reflect on this history and the pain it has caused, and to seek understanding and MAYBE reconciliation with those they have marginalized. only then can we hope to move forward in a way that fosters genuine compassion and respect for all. until that happens, i will remain indifferent to the mockery of their religion, as it pales in comparison to the suffering inflicted by those who claim to follow it.

and to the few and far between christians who are on the right track in this regard, i’m so sorry for the burden you bear due to the actions of your fellow members, past and present. your efforts to show understanding, compassion,and genuine respect are invaluable. please, don’t give up. your work is crucial in paving the way for a more inclusive and empathetic future.

rest of pics in replies

#christianity #religious trauma #church hurt #olympics 2024 #equality for all #accountability #social justice

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unopenablebox · 6 months ago

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For the ask meme: I, N, and V! I can never manage to pick just one question off those lists, I hope it’s not too many

I: How many fandoms have you written in? Do you have a favorite?

i've posted fics in 6 different fandoms, i will presumably keep adding to this list since in most fandoms i think i really only have a few premises that actually Get me and am unlikely to want to write more than a couple stories in it. this is not a good strategy for audience-building but fortunately i only want an audience for my fic in a very halfhearted way that doesn't involve making any strategic efforts to acquire one

i'm not sure i have a favorite fandom to write in given that. i think my one tortall fic was probably the most successful in terms of like, doing what i wanted it to do in relation to canon, which was both fun and encouraging, and people were really really complimentary about it so i feel very good about the idea of doing more there. i also really love canon even though it's completely frustrating and bizarre, which makes it very fun for me to write in.

my actual numerically "most successful" fics by far were both in uh. miraculous ladybug fandom. for some reason. and i'm not unmoved by the idea of a fandom that is like, active, but i don't think i can ever write for miraculous ladybug again because doing so might require that i watch the show, which doesn't sound fun at all

N: already answered!

V: Are there certain comments you’ve received on your stories that have stuck with you?

i got this comment on the aforementioned tortall fic the same day it went up and it felt like winning an oscar. total success

i've actually gotten what feels like a really disproportionate number of thoughtful, very positive comments on my fics given how little of an audience i have & how small the fandoms usually are. my girlfriend who writes actual published fiction is extremely jealous of the thing where when you write fic people just write back to tell you what they liked about it. very hard to achieve in non-fanfic circles

i'm also touched by all the people who seem to have been genuinely moved/felt Represented by my uh, heartwarming miraculous ladybug transgender lesbians fanfic, i think of them often, and im very glad i wrote it even though as above i cannot imagine writing anything similar ever again

#⍰#box opener #mosscosmos #thank you!!!!#ive mentioned that comment before and im worried im downplaying how much i appreciate the many other very long positive comments #i got on that fic from many other ppl including the exchange recipient #but it's just so. succinct.

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carriagelamp · 2 years ago

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Well, if nothing else I read a shocking number of B books this month. I felt very fortunate this month -- I've been listening to a lot of audiobooks lately because of general stress and a lack of free time, but I managed to settle into quite a few physical books over February. It's honestly been a bit of a relief to have the time and headspace to curl up with a book.

A Boy Called Bat / Bat and the Waiting Game / Bat and the End of Everything

I read this trilogy because I had heard some pretty positive reviews for it. The story is about an autistic boy called Bixby Alexander Tam, nicknamed Bat. He has the nickname for a few reasons besides for the acronym — Bat feels it’s appropriate because he also: loves animals, has very sensitive hearing like a bat, and will flap his hands like wings when he’s excited. The story starts when his mom, a vet, brings home an orphaned skunk kit that needs caring for and Bat falls in love with it. The trilogy extends over the rest of Bat’s school year, a budding new friendship, and how he helps raise the kit and tries to convince his mom that he doesn’t need to be released into the wild but instead would make a perfect pet.

I felt… lukewarm to it, honestly. I think my problem is I went into it with the wrong expectations. The way it had been described to me, I thought it would be one of those more “artsy” ““highbrow”” children’s novels but it really reads more like a pretty standard fare Child Animal Story. Which is fine! A standard animal story is appealing to kids, and having some autistic rep in a basic book instead of exclusively in more artsy stuff is great. It was just a bit of a disappointment after I heard it so hyped.

It did have some interesting parallels/symbolism, but over all the plot was rather meandering without any real upticks, and the language was fairly plain and uninteresting. And the ending fell completely flat. It felt like the few themes the book was clinging were just completely dropped in the final yard. I would totally recommend them to an elementary kid that wants a cute animal/school story, but that’s about it.

Ballet Shoes

This book I had a great time with. I’m reading a completely different novel that referenced back to this classic children’s novel and I ended up needing to detour to read this first so I could get the references. I’m glad I did! Normally I’d be put off by the title/aesthetic, because I’ve never been a kid into “ballerina stories” but I ended up really loving it. It made me think of similar books from the earlier 20th century, like A Little Princess or The Secret Garden or Anne of Green Gables, all of which I love.

Ballet Shoes is about a trio of adopted sister: Pauline, Petrova and Posy. Their guardian does their best to make ends meet and ensure the girls get an education, but the household funds are gradually dwindling and they’re soon struggling. Luck strikes though when they decided to let out rooms of their home for borders, and one ended up suggesting all three girls join a local ballet school — there they can train in dance, but can also start earning money at the age of twelve if they get cast in productions. The girls take to this training with varying degrees of enthusiasm, each one being a very unique, enjoyable character, and the book follows the different misadventures they have as they grow and enter the entertainment industry and continue to fight to make ends meet.

Despite how heavy that might sound, it was ultimately quite a charming, feel-good novel. It was perfect for a cosy blanket and a cup of tea.

Bedknob and Broomstick

I had watched the movie a number of times growing up but never once read the novel, so I finally remedied that. Did you realize that what we know as Bed-Knob and Broomstick is actually a compilation of two separate books, The Magic Bed-Knob and Bonfires and Broomsticks? I hadn’t! And I have to say, I think I enjoyed the second story more than the first.

For those who haven’t heard of the story at all, it’s about three children who are sent to the country to stay with their aunt, and during their summer they end up meeting a neighbour called Miss Price. Miss Price is a rather regular, proper young woman, with the added detail that she’s learning to become a witch through correspondence classes. When the children promise not to reveal her secret, Miss Price gifts them an enchanted bed-knob, one that will take them anywhere in place or time they would like to travel. The first story is about the places they adventure too. The second is some time later, when they are able to visit Miss Price once again, and are horrified to discover that she has given up witchcraft for good. The kids however are determined to use the bed-knob once more, this time to venture back into the past.

In all honesty, I was rather neutral to the book, especially given how racist the first half is. I was happy to have read the classic but I wouldn’t go out of my way to read it again.

The Boy in the Dress

Now, caveat right at the top: this book isn’t explicitly queer. At no point does anyone come out as gay or trans. But I do consider it queer in that the entire narrative is an ongoing conversation about what the gender binary means, and how one’s own identity, passions, and presentation can challenge that, and how people respond to those challenges.

The story follows 12 year old Dennis who lives in a very ordinary, plain household with his older brother and father, who attends a very ordinary, plain school, in a very ordinary, plain town. He loves playing football (soccer), hanging out with his friend, and he also loves dresses. He loves how bright and colourful and joyful they can be, when his life feels very bland. Dennis struggles with figuring out how to explore the interest while contending with the other people in his life who clearly disapprove.

It’s a really earnest, heartwarming story.

Dogsbody

Ah, I love Diana Wynne Jones’ books, they’re always completely buckwild. This book was a ton of fun; as always with her books it really felt like I was reading something different and quirky and attention grabbing.

The main character of Dogsbody is Sirius — yes, the star. The story opens with him being put on trial, accused of killing another luminary and losing a powerful instrument called a Zoi. His sentence for this crime is to be stripped of his powers and cast down to earth, to spend one lifetime living in a humble, mortal form. If he can survive and find the Zoi within that lifetime, he will be welcomed back to the cosmos.

Sirius is reborn a regular puppy, one with no memories of his previous life or powers or mission. The novel follows him gradually growing up under the care of a young girl and her cruel family as he attempts to regain his memories and figure out how to find his lost Zoi.

Dragon Rider

I haven’t read Dragon Rider since I was a kid, but I realized they had done a film of it… and man, that adaptation was not great. I remembered the book being better so I had to investigate. And I was right, the book is a really cute, enjoyable adventure with some charming characters.

The adventure starts when the hidden valley that Firedrake lives in is threatened by humans. The dragons have lived in small, hidden pockets for years, and now that it seems that the constant tide of humanity is pushing towards them they have no idea what to do. Only Firedrake takes up the challenge of venturing out of the valley in the search of a legendary place called the Rim of Heaven where dragons allegedly live in safety. Along with his dear friend the brownie Sorrel, and a young human they run into, they must plot of course that will take them across the globe, while avoiding an ancient, fearsome, dragon-hunting monster which has been without its preferred prey for centuries.

Grandpa’s Great Escape

I’ve been meaning to read David Walliams books for ages, ever since I saw them beginning to pop up in our local bookstore. I finally bought one on a whim, and wow, I was not disappointed. It reads exactly like a Roald Dahl novel, which is about the highest praise I can offer — I don’t think I’ve ever read anything that satisfies in the same way as Dahl before.

This novel follows Jack and his grandfather, a retired RAF pilot from WWII. His grandfather has become increasingly confused as the years progress, and often finds himself mixing up the present and his past glory days as a pilot; Jack is one of the few people who still finds it easy to talk to his grandfather because he is completely willing to meet him at his level, talk to him as if he really is still the Wing Commander. When his parents can no longer handle it though, they’re duped into send Jack’s grandpa to the wicked Twilight Towers. As the only one who can see how sinister the place really is, Jack is determined to save his grandfather.

It’s a truly hilarious story, since it’s written very much to read like a RAF pilot trying to escape from a Nazi concentration camp… except set in a nursing home! I can’t recommend this book enough, between the silly, heartfelt story, the occasional tragedy, and the fun illustrations, it’s such an addictive read.

I Think Our Son Is Gay v3

I read the first book of this series last month (whoops, I skipped 2… my library just happened to have the third in) and decided to try another. It’s a cute little series about a teenage boy experiencing his first crush. Though he hasn’t come out to his family yet, he’s a boy who seems incapable of lying, who has a face that gives him away easily, so his mother (the main POV character) is quite certain he’s gay and that he has a crush on his best friend. She is determined to be quietly supportive of her son until he’s ready to come out. The series is predominantly sweet and supportive little episodic stories, but it also layers in some of the everyday homophobia and microaggressions a gay teenager might experience in a homophobic society, even when people around him don’t know he’s gay. It’s a very worthwhile read.

Socks

This was a book that I read over and over in grade 2 and I had forgotten its name until just recently. I never read many Beverly Clearly books as a kid, since I preferred genre fiction over stories based around the real world / school, but I loved the silly story told from the pet cat's point of view.

The story is about Socks and the perfect family he’s adopted into… perfect until a new baby comes around and suddenly Socks is competing for attention.

The Squirrel, the Hare and the Little Grey Rabbit/ Hare Joins the Home Guard

I mentioned in my review about Ballet Shoes that I read it because another novel I’m reading referenced it: same for this book! The Squirrel, the Hare, and the Little Grey Rabbit is one of the picture books the main character of the other book often alludes to so I decided I needed to read it as well. This book was a cute, standard fare little picture book from that era. It’s about the very gentle, virtuous Grey Rabbit, and her rather bossier, lazier housemates, the Hare and the Squirrel. It was cute and the art was lovely, though I can’t say much beyond that.

I also read Hare Joins the Home Guard mostly because I was stunned and baffled by a Cute Animal Story explicitly jumping into WWII… though I suppose it makes sense! It came out in 1942 and it’s a pretty gentle way of holding a mirror up to some of the things children were certainly hearing about and experiencing in their real lives. In this, the various animals join the “home guard” in different roles (such as taking up arms, becoming a Red Cross nurse, digging shelters to protect children, or knitting for the “troops”) in order to fight off invading weasels. I would say it was also fairly “basic” were it not for the fact that it was hilarious to see this next to titles like Little Grey Rabbit Makes Lace. How often do you see Cute Lil Animals preparing gas masks for their chemical warfare plans?

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