#forgot if it was a myth or a kids story or just a song but. yeah

[snekjoy]

Yk that one story that's like. The sun proposed to the moon and the moon wanted to say yes but couldn't because the sun would explode from excitement? Yeah dancae

[mysterybooks-world]

Say hello to Vox's friend

I settled on this idea instead of My original idea

When I was thinking about Vox's friend OC I was thinking of making a young man with a Venetian Mask

Like a mix between Joker and Kaitou Kid

Joker from: (Persona Records) and Kaitou Kid from (Detective Conan)

a True gentleman More than Alastor and Valentino

And he sang a song Did I Mention (From "Descendants") Dove Cameron - Boyfriend

But I changed my mind or I can put him in another au

I was thinking about her appearance As you can see she is between stars and plants witch.

Because Sinners have their own appearance in different shapes and sizes And a different design

As for her store or Shop is (Antique store) aka (MystiKraft) Not only Antique store It is the place of everything, without Anything related to sex and drugs.

From the outside it is like a small store but from the inside it is big

she is like wandering merchant, She sells things and items

What is special about her store?

Her store Like pocket dimensions can go anywhere to other Rings of Hell & heaven & earth

You could say something similar to (Howl's Moving Castle)

No one can enter the store without her permission.

Anything that happens inside the store, no one can use magic to see it inside Or use magic to enter. Even Lucifer and Seven Deadly Sins & Angels, they magic doesn't work in a store.

(My mind whispering: A perfect place for someone to hide If you get my meaning)

Her powers are like a witch's -she can mess with reality -has the power to mess with time Like stopping time or turning it back

-her tail is like fire, but it does not sting If she want to, Sometimes, her tail becomes like a street lamp

Back story: She was there from the beginning, anomaly, She's just there seeing it all, She saw everything The fight God & angels and Roo aka ROOT OF ALL EVIL. And you know the rest of the story.

She was interested in humanity But she did not interfere in many people's lives, only telling them her advice and wisdom. and She listens to their stories. She loved playing the role wandering merchant.

she appeared in front of humans At different ages Sometimes she is an adult, a teenager, an old woman or a child,

And one day, years ago, When she was child, she met child Vox, They became friends, They began to grow together from children to teenagers then Adults,

when Vox died and fell into hell, His friend was already there, she Guide him to her store and she offered him sweet tea, After he calmed his nerves and realized that he was dead and in hell, After she told him everything About hell, and she Give him some stuff and money, Both of them went their separate ways, Sometimes Vox would visit her,

My OC: Wait a minute I think I forgot to tell him I'm not human and She smiles OH well I'll let him figure this out for himself, Plus His reaction will be funny

And here the story begins Like I mentioned in my poster before

was returning from his back from his supposed date with Valentino But Valentino didn't show up and forgot about their date, He is busy with Angel Dust.

When Vox was passing by a store. He stopped where he was and stepped back, This store wasn't here when he walked in this morning, But when he read the shop sign (MystiKraft) Vox realized who the shop owner was And he entered the place, Vox meets his best friend again

I feel like this is a song for them

she sing (Flying Solo) from Julie and the Phantoms

So Vox spends time with her again.

now the important thing What name should I choose for her? There are four names with their meaning of Flowers and stars

First name: Aster: Greek in origin, this uncommon name's literal meaning is 'star.' Aster flowers, which bear brightly-colored, star-shaped blooms, are the official flower of September and according to myth, are the tears of the Goddess Astraea, also known as Virgo — September's ruling constellation.

Second name Calla: comes from Greek roots, is a type of lily, and means “beautiful.” With Latin origins, this name means “starflower.” This name is inspired by the relaxing flowering herb commonly found in teas

Third name Calytrix. 'Calytrix' has a Latin origin and the meaning of the name is 'star flower'

Fourth name Ahana. This pretty Japanese name means “sky flower.” Anan. This one has Hebrew roots, too, and means “cloud” or “vapor.

I was thinking about choosing Aster or Calytrix.

What do you guys think? Which one of names suits her the most?

[woodsteingirl]

Please infodump JFK lore

okay, i am assuming you want the lore for the tag i left on that king arthur post, which was my little joke about the camelot mythos and how they talk about it with regard to kennedy... i will be linking sources as I reference them, if you are possessed by the need to know more.

just a week after kennedy's assassination, jackie kennedy, now widowed, was interviewed for Life magazine by Theodore White. in that interview, she said that jack kennedy loved the musical comedy camelot, and that in the wake of his death, she often thought of a line from the finale of the musical, that he apparently liked the best of all the songs--"don't let it be forgot that once there was a spot, for one brief shining moment, that was known as camelot." kennedy had really liked the camelot myths as a kid, and the american people sort of attached themselves to calling his presidency "camelot", like jackie had said in that interview, "there'll never be another camelot again"... that is my brief summary of the lore. but that was my joke because i fully believe jfk was in fact a camelot guy. even if camelot the musical wasn't even that good or faithful of an arthurian story...

[hotpinkstaples]

I have been frothing in the mouth to see Bendis' head on a proverbial plate since he aged Jon up and explained away Kon's removal and return as a multiverse brainfart but oh my God, I can't believe I am starting to appreciate his absolute bumfuckery of a writing that feels like it gives me a concussion at every five words.

I give credit where it's due in that he had some very interesting ideas: angst-loving edgy bitch in me has been going insane to see a proper Jon breakdown after the volcano— I wanted drama, I wanted resentment, I wanted unreliable narrator! But it ended up like a wet fart and next writers made that shit into an off-handed joke. Either by his own or the editorial's incompetence (and/or cowardice), none of them led to anywhere.

unfortunately, i did not know he was using otho and osul to substitute for what would have been OG chris, but tbh, that does not surprise me.

Oh, I meant that the twins bore, in my opinion, quite a few similarities to Chris (both thematically and visually). They all came from abusive backgrounds, one of them has a god stuck in him, and one scene seems to have visually copied the scene where Chris catches the Daily Planet globe from falling onto Lois. Oh, and they get adopted by Clois, but that goes without saying. It's not much, but it sure makes me PhilipFryNarrowingEyes.gif at the whole deal, especially with people coming out of the woodshed to scream about Chris Kent louder in the recent years.

However, the twins ARE blatantly stated by Kennedy to be a replacement for Jon and his kid appeal. (dragged away by orderlies in a straitjacket) THEN WHY LET BENDIS SCREW JON OVER—

I surprisingly didn't mind Rebirth Lor-Zod because I guess I see it as a better alternative to seeing a child get abused and brainwashed while Clark frolicks with Jon. Plus, Zod and Ursa as good parents feels like an interesting narrative to me. AND I will always laugh at the idea of Zod being a better parent than Clark at this point.

For me, Lor and Chris are definitely different characters. I love time dimension fuckery, what can I say? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Hey, Wally and N52 Wally exist together! Why not the Zod bros? I'm sure this crap doesn't affect the Phantom Zone the same way it affects... everything else. Yes, that's the half-assed explanation I'm going with. Better than what DC would have said anyway.

I will always thank Taylor and his editorial team for at least giving us Bi Jon, but I am still gonna bite their ankles for lackluster books. :/

Anyway, I agree, let Bendis come for a swan song where he nukes everything DC like he nuked the whole Krypton planet explosion myth except tenfold, and we can go from there.

apolocheese for the delay, i forgor 🤪

I have been frothing in the mouth to see Bendis' head on a proverbial plate since he aged Jon up and explained away Kon's removal and return as a multiverse brainfart but oh my God, I can't believe I am starting to appreciate his absolute bumfuckery of a writing that feels like it gives me a concussion at every five words. I give credit where it's due in that he had some very interesting ideas: angst-loving edgy bitch in me has been going insane to see a proper Jon breakdown after the volcano— I wanted drama, I wanted resentment, I wanted unreliable narrator! But it ended up like a wet fart and next writers made that shit into an off-handed joke. Either by his own or the editorial's incompetence (and/or cowardice), none of them led to anywhere.

akjfhsjkdfgsdfhj ok to be fair, bendis is a mindbender. he writes some absolute GHASTLY shit with little care for how hard writers after him are gonna struggle after he's done, but he DOES write some pretty awesome stuff too. it's just one of those things where it's like yeah..... clark forgot kon, jon was abused in a volcano for five or six years, clark came out of the kryptonian closet, etc. every story point was a rough read, but i like to believe they all had merit. could they have been better? absolutely, but i read bendisboot losh and it was literally just industry hoes gathering to draw killer pages of losh in the modern age with zero written craft. like you could smell the Industry on that book. i don't doubt editorial cared how terribly written it was since they printed some of the most beautiful artwork in that book.

Oh, I meant that the twins bore, in my opinion, quite a few similarities to Chris (both thematically and visually). They all came from abusive backgrounds, one of them has a god stuck in him, and one scene seems to have visually copied the scene where Chris catches the Daily Planet globe from falling onto Lois. Oh, and they get adopted by Clois, but that goes without saying. It's not much, but it sure makes me PhilipFryNarrowingEyes.gif at the whole deal, especially with people coming out of the woodshed to scream about Chris Kent louder in the recent years. However, the twins ARE blatantly stated by Kennedy to be a replacement for Jon and his kid appeal. (dragged away by orderlies in a straitjacket) THEN WHY LET BENDIS SCREW JON OVER—

sjhdgfdfgskjfdg ok ok that makes more sense. i don't know much about kennedy johnson at all, so i was just having a good time reading clark raising some kids after chris died (in my heart) and jon was sacrificed after bendis refused to write escapist fiction. he's not tomasi or jurgens or kennedy johnson, that's for sure lmaoooo

i won't lie, in the OG warworld, i really didnt think they were ten, and i did think osul would die, just bc it would fuel otho's womanpain. it was only after warworld wrapped up that the Chris Allusions really kicked in with me. i honestly thought kennedy johnson was gonna do the Struggle Arc with otho after osul's permanent death since bendis didn't do it with jon after his abuse by ultraman, but all that fell flat pretty quickly. all the comics post-warworld have just been a prolonged falling action, but i AM happy he didn't kill the twins. they graduated to nibling status. kennedy johnson coulda been petty and killed em off before moving on, but he can get a cookie for leaving them alone for now.

on a side note, with otho and osul seemingly staying on, i really believe nobody on that editorial board got any plans to deage jon anytime soon. his 'purpose' has effectively been replaced. and tbh.... good. i hate the og supersons concept, so anything that murders the blood supremacy nepobaby garbage is an A+ in my book

I surprisingly didn't mind Rebirth Lor-Zod because I guess I see it as a better alternative to seeing a child get abused and brainwashed while Clark frolicks with Jon. Plus, Zod and Ursa as good parents feels like an interesting narrative to me. AND I will always laugh at the idea of Zod being a better parent than Clark at this point.

oh moooood. i only picked up rebirth bc i wanted some context into what joe casey wanted to do for kneel before zod, but i do NOT regret reading it. rereading new krypton, reading rebirth, and now getting ready for kneel before zod in just months is just SUCH a rush. i think zod's one of those characters that shines when you have writers that want to write HIM versus writing an enemy for superman to fill some pages.

it's like the opposite of the superchildren issue. all the super kids are pretty much destined to suffer BECAUSE they're superman's kids, but if you're a villain who's a superman villain that's taking five minutes NOT to look at superman, you're reading a science fiction political narrative where the main belligerents are general zod and sam lane and NOT superman and all that holds him back bc of status quo.

jor el haunting zod in kneel before zod is gonna be bollywood-level clown shit bc that's FUN. can't tell you how exhausting it is to read a book whose entire purpose is to showcase explosions and some sick character designs. if i see hank henshaw again, im boom tubing into prime earth and killing him myself.

For me, Lor and Chris are definitely different characters. I love time dimension fuckery, what can I say? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Hey, Wally and N52 Wally exist together! Why not the Zod bros? I'm sure this crap doesn't affect the Phantom Zone the same way it affects... everything else. Yes, that's the half-assed explanation I'm going with. Better than what DC would have said anyway.

dead of ass. at this point, i've made peace chris aint coming back. and if he do, he's just gonna have kon el level crimes done to him. dude lost his girl to flaming suicide so she could save the kryptonians. if he come out that phantom zone, he's gonna age up, remember all the shit he went thru, and then try to jump into the sun again. not like nightwing would let that shit happen, but like, my good nephew effectively suicided to save clark. he's at peace. he don't need to see the sorry state affairs 😂

but lor! unpossessed, actually raised by his parentals who seem to care about him, and no longer a tool for superman's manpain! he has the most potential to do dumb fun shit. i am SO happy tomasi, jurgens, and venditti all simultaneously agreed to keep him away from the supersons nepobaby complex. even better that in future state, he died as a dog of the suicide squad, while in booster shot he was the 35 year old jobless prince with phantom zone trauma he never got over. effectively saved from ANY supersons, superman, suiciding-for-a-woman-or-clark shit. rebirth actually gave him a shot!!!

I will always thank Taylor and his editorial team for at least giving us Bi Jon, but I am still gonna bite their ankles for lackluster books. :/

the lackluster books make me wanna weep, BUT, issa general dc comics problem rn. editorial thinks complex lit dont sell no more, but i know they're wrong. that one book ram v wrote with jon as a swampy boi was such a tease. imagine three books with swampy boi jon tapping into his human roots as a baby avatar of the green.

and injustice! i know ppl hated the ending, but we got so many sweet tidbits. pretty clear now that jon DID get sexually abused, at least one variant of the injustice universe knows jon exists, jay exists outside of prime earth, future state jon with ties to midnighter and the authority.... be strong. one day someone with the spirit and hand of frank millar will write a book where jon's not a tool for clark's manpain or a way for editorial to write unproblematic nepobaby escapist fiction. he has the potential. we just gotta have a little faith 👽

Anyway, I agree, let Bendis come for a swan song where he nukes everything DC like he nuked the whole Krypton planet explosion myth except tenfold, and we can go from there.

bro did that to superman lore without a care. he at least kept evil!jor el consistent. only smallville fans know 😂😂😂

[abysscronica]

I know this is different from your usual asks but could you tell us what fantasy books or series you read and which ones would you recommend? I'm intrigued.

Sure! I think I mentioned before that I mostly read classics, so I haven't read a tremendous amount of fantasy books, but I can quickly go through them. I'll start from my loves and dislikes, and I include a complete list of what I read at the end, so you can see what I left out from both categories.

My all-time favs!

A Song of Ice and Fire by Martin. All the books, including spin-offs. I rarely came across a writer that kept me enthralled so much I literally never wanted to put the book down and couldn't wait to get back to it afterwards. It's heartbreaking to think that the series will likely remain unfinished.

The Neverending Story by Ende. In my opinion, this is a book that every kid should read, and the adults too. It's a truly magic book, if you can get your hands on the old edition written in red and green, the experience is even more magical.

The House in the Cerulean Sea by Klune. A recent read, I strongly recommend this book if you need a soft, comforting stress-release from your everyday life. It's also LGBTQ+ friendly.

Other good reads.

The Princess Bride by Goldman and The Witches by Dahl will always be two untimely classics to enjoy.

No, I'm not forgetting The Lord of the Rings, but you have to like Tolkien's style. It was an enjoyable read for me but also daunting at times, sorry. If you're looking for something on those epic fantasy lines but much less demanding, I'll suggest to glance at the Dragonlance series by Weis (& other writers). It's developed from DnD campaigns and has all the elements of Tolkien's world except it flows like the wind and you can just turn off your brain and enjoy the ride.

Personally, I'm a sucker for myths and epics itself, so I cannot leave out the Iliad and Odyssey by Homer. In particular the Iliad shaped my conception of how an epic war should be structured (and yes, Tolkien doesn't fall too far off some of Homer's standards - AND YES, Oda's Marineford has something to do with it as well). If you like Greek mythology, throw in Metamorphoses by Ovid for good measure. And Paradise Lost by Milton! It's Christian lore but one cannot forget Paradise Lost, although you'll have to be ready for the ride, like for Tolkien's.

If you like goth/dark stuff, Edgar Allan Poe is my go to.

What I didn't enjoy

[please remember this is solely my opinion and it's perfectly fine if you disagree]

I only liked the first book of The Chronicles of Narnia by Lewis, then whatever attempt I made to continue the series was cut short. It's not just the indoctrination purpose that rubbed me the wrong way, I found the other books boring.

His Dark Materials series by Pullman, once again, I only enjoyed the first book (The Golden Compass). I liked it a lot, so I was quite disappointed by the rest of the trilogy, I felt like nothing made sense and the author had not really thought it through, but maybe that's just me.

The House of Earth and Blood by Maas. I hope people won't burn me at the stake for this but... what the actual fuck? I picked up this book recently because there was so much praise over it, even from famous reading sites, and I thought "Yeah, I'm really in the mood for a good fantasy, it's been ages since I got one, hand it over!". And. How is this book so praised is beyond me. Don't get me wrong, the worldbulding is great and it has a big cast of characters, which is something I always like, but. But. I better shut up on what I think of this book. Bye.

Here below is the list of most of the fantasy I read, I'm sure I forgot something along the way.

Myth/Epica

Beowulf, Odyssey, Iliad, Aeneid, the Epic of Gilgamesh, Metamorphoses (by Ovid), The Divine Comedy by Dante, Paradise Lost by Milton

Popular/big series

The Hobbit & The Lord of the Rings by Tolkien, A Song of Ice and Fire by Martin (all available books including Fire & Blood and The Knight of the Seven Kingdoms), the Harry Potter series by Rowling, the Twilight series by Meyer, the Hunger Games series by Collins (although it counts as sci-fi more than fantasy), a shitton of Dragonlance books by Weis & co., His Dark Materials series by Pullman, the first book of the Chronicles of Narnia by Lewis

Dark/Goth

Dracula by Stocker, Carmilla by Le Fanu, The Castle of Otranto by Walpole, all Edgar Allan Poe, Coraline by Gaiman, Bestiario by Cortazar, The Turn of the Screw by Henry James, Marina by Ruiz Zafon, Frankenstein by Shelley, Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde by Stevenson, a lot of Lovecraft

Others

The Neverending Story by Ende, The Princess Bride by Goldman, some of Martin's short stories, the Eagle and Jaguar trilogy by Allende, A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court by Twain, some Shakespeare that also counts as fantasy I guess, Gulliver's Travels by Swift, Peter Pan by Barrie, The Witches by Dahl, The House in the Cerulean Sea by Klune, Sirene by Pugno, The House of Earth and Blood by Maas, A Christmas Carol by Dickens, some of Banana Yoshimoto

[superkooku]

Heya, so I'm writing part 3 right now. But before publishing it, I just realized that I have more things to say about part 2 (so you have the opportunity to discover/rediscover it before the next segment).

So... part 2 DLC.

Dionysus and animals :

While talking about him as a god of nature, I explained his link to vegetation but completely forgot about animals ! That's a shame because there's a lot to say about that too.

As a god of wilderness, it's only natural for Dionysus to share a bond with animals (heck, a lot of gods had symbolic animals). His are :

The maenads: just kidding. They're more dangerous than animals 😂. Here's the real list.

The panther/leopard : the main animal we associate to him, the wild and exotic predator. He ambushes his preys, hides and follows them until they feel confident enough then STRIKES. Yes, this is Dionysus' method too. In general, Dionysus is big on felines (lions and tigers too, though less commonly used)

Yes. This right here is a human head. I bet it's Pentheus' 😂

Bulls : this animal seems to have an important role in mythology. This association is present in the Bacchae for exp, where Pentheus sees his bull horns, for exp. What I love about that symbolism is how it links him to Zeus, since they both share it, but also to Ariadne (through the Minotaur). Maybe even to Hera.

Of course, not every myth about bulls relate to any of these examples (Helios for exp, unless we see the link with his daughter Pasiphae and the cretan bull or Apollo maybe...

I think those are mere coincidences. And associating this instance to Dionysus would be stretching too far. Let's not overanalyze it either).

Btw, art showing Dionysus with horns is so cool !! (shoutout to @margaretkart for drawing it and @nysus-temple for making a whole mini-petition about it. Btw, if you see any false statements in my essay, feel free to call me out. I'll remove them).

Dolphins : the tyrrhenian pirates that dared to kidnap the god, who transformed them into dolphins... at least, those that had the time to jump in the sea. The master/captain, and maybe others, was EATEN by Dionysus while he took the form of a lion. What's funny is that this is probably Dionysus' "nicest" punishments because no one was turned insane, at least not for very long (stay tuned for part 3)

Snakes : let's talk a bit about orphism. According to the tradition, Zeus slept with Persephone as a serpent and from this union, Zagreus was born. For the few that wouldn't know, Zagreus is basically Dionysus' previous life.

Snakes also show up in other stories. According to the Bacchae, Zeus gave Dionysus a crown of snakes in his birth. Coupled with orphism, this basically solidifies Zagreus' "second birth" (third if we count Semele and Zeus as separate "bearers"). The new beginning of the snake god.

Snakes appear in other myths, including against the tyrhennian pirates (yes, he unleashed havoc on that ship XD)

Goats : this one is shorter. Goats show up a LOT sporadically.

Little addition to the theater part : "Tragedy" means "goat song", in reference to it's role in ritual sacrifices (btw, dithyramb, a form of ancient poem, is also associated to Dionysus' myths, about "two doors" in his life, Semele and then Zeus' thigh).

Anyways, goats are a part of his epithets (goat-kid, goat-shooter or goat-skinned), of his companions the satyrs and of this little trivia...

I feel like the goat is Dionysus' "fleeing" form. He used it as Zagreus to flee the Titans (and failed). Later, as he was hiding him from Hera, Zeus made him take the form of a baby goat. Once again conntecting orphism and more widespread myths.

I love when things connect together !

See ya in part 3, when things will get spooky for Halloween !

Dionysus' iceberg (part 2)

Here's part 1 :

Yes, I know, I took my time with this one 😅. But part 2 is finally here on Tumblr !

And, since there's a lot to say about Dionysus, I'll probably need to do a third one... yes he's that interesting.

In this part, I'll talk about Dionysus' connections to theater, nature and vegetation.

1. Theater 🎭

Despite Apollo being the god of the arts, theater is one of Dionysus' domains.

In fact, his theatre (in Athens) is considered the first in the world! Dionysus is like an entertainer, not only through parties, but also through a performance on the stage.

Okay, more seriously: one of his festivals, the Dionysia, even had five days dedicated to drama. In fact, theater plays are said to be set in competitions honoring Dionysus himself.

This festival in and of itself is quite complex, as it's divided in two categories (rural and city festivals) and has quite a history. So, I'd highly recommend reading more about it.

Even the idea of theater masks come from there ! They were parts of disguises actors (always men) wore to play the roles of women or gods.

I'm gonna stop a bit with the informations to talk about two interesting things :

It's actually really cool that the god of theater is a good actor.

I say that because he managed to fool Pentheus and a WHOLE pirate crew into thinking he's some inoffensive boy. And then, dramatic plot twist : he's not.

Another cool thing : he appeared both in a comedy and tragedy. Probably in other lost plays too. It's part of his duality, which I'll talk about more in part 3.

Anyways, ancient Greek theater, the ancestor of our modern plays, is very closely tied to Dionysus.

2. His link to satyrs

This bearded man is Silenus, son of Hermes and one of the satyrs. The baby he's holding is an infant Dionysus, who was forced to go in hiding because of Hera's wrath.

Edit : forgot to complete this part. So, Silenus is considered Dionysus' tutor, kinda like Chiron and Asclepius, but wilder.

Like Dionysus, he appears to be a funny drunkard, but in reality, he can be very wise too. Heck, he even has some prophecy powers when intoxicated. How cool is that ? I like this little duality.

He notably appears in Midas' myth. Silenus was found by peasants and given to the king. Since Midas took good care of him and showed a lot of hospitality, Dionysus decided to reward him. And we all know how the story goes at that point.

Another important satyr (in the Dionysiaca, for example) is Ampelos/Ampelus. He was a young satyr who could very well be Dionysus' first love. What's so interesting about him is that, after his death (R.I.P), Dionysus transformed him into the first grape vine 🍇 !

(this time, not a flower, unlike Hyacinthus and Crocus).

Yes, if you drink wine, you're technically drinking Ampelos' blood.

In general, the satyrs, along with the maenads, are Dionysus' companions. We all know what satyrs are, but it's not surprising to see two symbols of sexuality, drunkenness and wilderness so closely tied.

Also, coming back to theater, there was something called "satyr plays", a mix between tragedy and comedy that were played during the Dionysian festival.

3. A god of nature and vegetation

There are many other nature gods. They each show their connection to nature in their own unique way.

Of course, there's wine and grapes (and Ampelos), but also a lot more stuff.

Dionysus was said to live his youth on Mount Nysa, in the nature, among nymphs and other satyrs. So those ties would come from very early on in his life.

He's not only the god of grapes, but fruits and plant life in general. It's interesting to see the same domains shared by multiple gods (here with Demeter).

The multiple water and wind gods are another proof of that.

And yes, he can grow vines as much as he pleases, like when he punished the thyranean pirates.

4. A fertility god

Yeah, don't listen to LO, male fertility gods exist too 😂.

He's not even the only one, since there's Priapus as well. And he's often (not always) considered his son, with Aphrodite as the mother.

It's honestly not surprising to see a god of nature and fruits, but also one known for his orgies, being associated with fertility.

There aren't many myths about it, so I'll just include that one because it's interesting.

So...

I went through these informations pretty quickly, in order to keep this post at a normal length. I'd love to see you complete on these particular aspects.

In part 3, I'll talk about Dionysus' duality, but also his link to madness, mortals (like Semele and Ariadne), and other gods.

Part 3 will be the longest, since I'll include a lot more references (to myths like the war against India, the Bacchae and more infos about his cult and stories)

[schleierkauz]

Cornelia Funke Q&A - 11.04.22

Alright, here it is. This one was wild. Seriously, if you speak German just watch it yourself, Cornelia was on a roll. 

MISC

- Isabel Abedi is currently staying at Cornelia's home

- ...as well as a trans saxophone player called Sara(h?) who plays beautifully, often right outside Cornelia’s window and it's very distracting to her productivity. They're working on a christmas project together

- Despite wanting to stay in Italy, Cornelia realised that she'll have to spend time in the USA regularly so she won't lose her Green Card and it's all very complicated - she thinks it's worth it, though

- Right now Cornelia feels like helping younger artists begin their careers is just as important as working on her own books

- The library is not yet finished but it already doubles as a recording studio for visiting musicians. Cornelia says she can even record radio shows in there. It works great because all the books everywhere help with the sound quality

- A british publisher has asked Cornelia to translate 15 of Grimm's Fairytales from the original German into English and "tell them her way". So she's currently translating/retelling one fairytale per month. She is doing this by introducing the book itself as the narrator, who is a little upset at how the Brothers Grimm told its stories.  The last one she finished was "Jorinde & Joringel".

- Porcupines sound like Ewoks. Cornelia demonstrates it for us and highly recommends googling "porcupine noises"

CORNELIA'S WRITING ROOM

- Cornelia shows us a bit of her writing room. It has no door, because she likes to "write while anyone can come in" (I think she's probably talking about characters but still - couldn't be me)

- There's a painting of a centaur that she made for Reckless on the wall, a cozy little corner to sit down, her desk and a bunch of books mainly related to Inkheart and Reckless, which are her current projects

RECKLESS

Q: What does John Reckless think happened to Rosamund? A: Cornelia suspects that John is not thinking about her at all. He is a very heartless man. He feels bad for turning his back on her and the kids but sees himself as the victim of that guilt. How they feel... it probably doesn't concern him. Cornelia hopes that Rosa will cut her love for him out of her heart soon and forget John, just like he forgot her. We'll see how things work out for her, in the end...

- TV show news! The pitch for the show is finished and they are currently sending it out. Cornelia really likes how it turned out. A producer from Germany who's working in Hollywood is interested and Cornelia is carefully optimistic. If things work out, the next big question is which streaming service/studio is willing to finance the show's production "and it won't be cheap" (says Cornelia)

Q: Will we ever hear the myth of the Jade Goyl as told by the Goyl themselves? A: Cornelia loves the idea and writes it down for future reference

Q: Does Cornelia know where the last Reckless book will take place? A: She has a few vague ideas but she had some of those for the 4th book and none of them ended up being true. She knows there will be some African themes but she doesn't think the story will actually take place there. Or maybe it will. Who knows!

INKWORLD

- Elinor has sworn off books, prefering to listen to songs and stories told by campfires these days. She has also begun to collect maps of the Inkworld

- Cornelia is currently stuck deep within the Inkworld. She just got done rewriting the first 17 chapters and they have changed a lot. The story is running wild right now.

"Of course, the story is doing whatever it wants. Just yesterday I prepared a chapter and I thought I knew exactly where it was going. I knew, oh, the plot will develop like this and here, on the other side, yes, something will split and- no. Nooo. I didn't know anything! I'm sitting there, and Dustfinger and Farid are sitting by the fire and- well, I can't tell you too much, it's a work in progress. But let me tell you, two characters show up... who join them on their journey, which I had no idea about. I thought those two would leave by themselves. I thought they'd go with the Black Prince. Now suddenly some completely different people accompany the Black Prince and I had no idea. And I... don't even know them! And now another character is stepping out of the shadows and I'm like... Who are you? I don't know you and now you want to be sooo important in this story? Is that allowed?"

- Bookstore Guy tells Cornelia to put her foot down with her characters and Cornelia says it's not them, it's the story. The story wants to be told properly and she hasn't quite figured it out yet. So the story sends her characters to say (and I quote): "Nooo, Cornelia. No. It's not like you thought it would be. It's gonna be very different. Tell this story first."

STORYTELLING TANGENT

- When writing stories, Cornelia never feels like she's making things up but more like she's understanding them. Like a journalist discovering the truth about something 

- That said, she has to be careful while writing. Sometimes, certain character will try to kidnap a story that's not supposed to be theirs. While writing Inkheart, Cornelia had to cut a character completely because she tried to take over the narrative. "You're not from this story," Cornelia told her. "I don't know where you've come from, maybe another story or somewhere else entirely, but you don't belong in here."

- The chat demands to know more about that cut character and Cornelia goes "WELL" and actually tells us: 

"When I wrote Inkheart, Capricorn had a lover. And this lover kept stealing the spotlight and basically tried to run away with the story. So eventually I said 'Listen up, my dear. This is not your story. You'll star in another one, I'm sure. You'll likely get your own story someday. But not this one.’ And so, I haven't told her tale. Doesn't mean she's not there, maybe Capricorn does have a lover. But I just did not mention her."

According to Cornelia, that has been the first and only instance of her having to cut a whole character like that. But she suspects it may have to happen again in TCoR since she already has her main characters but new ones keep showing up anyway.

Example: When she was writing yesterday, a fox showed up. And Cornelia went. Hm. Is this where I find out where Fox's fur dress came from? Hmmmmaybe, but who is that? What is the story of that dress? She's trying to figure it out.

WILD CHICKS

- The first parts of the Wild Chick audio dramas are "wild and wonderful" to Cornelia. She's written those stories so long ago, hearing them in such a new modern way is very cool

- Unfortunately, they still haven't found the right producer for the movie though, meaning that the audio dramas will definitely be released first

[aroaessidhe]

I’ve read a few more fey books recently (or remembered some) so here’s a couple more

Wander The Night - a sort of Midsummer Night’s Dream sequel, tying up some loose ends from the narrative. Puck is the protagonist, and it’s set in the modern day (though mostly within Faerie). didn’t love all the writing but the depiction of fey was exactly what I love. and no pesky romantic subplots!

Ironspark - I read this a while back just forgot about it when I wrote this post. decent YA urban fantasy fey book! also has Arthurian elements

Mechanica/Venturess - this is YA high fantasy where fey are from a separate land, but sort of mysterious and seen as mostly myth, but they do show up a bit! (it’s not fey heavy, but has a bit of a combo of fairytale + folklore (it’s been a long time since I read these)

Road of the Lost - a fun YA fantasy adventure about a brownie girl who lives with a hag & finds out she’s been under a spell all her life, and goes on a journey through the fey world. has lots of classic folklore but also does its own thing with the court fey

Desdemona of the Deep - weird historical fiction novella about a rich girl going on a quest, has some deliciously weird/creepy fey/goblins. also explores the idea of fey and human artists quite a bit!

In The Roses of Pieria - sapphic, sort of urban fantasy academia, mostly vampires but also there are fey - which are very fungal-mycelium-hivemind type of thing. interesting, and I think will be explored more in book 2

The Memory Theater - historical dark-fairytale kind of story, in which two kids are trapped by fey-like people in a timeless realm to be their servants (but escape) (not quite fey as much as people trying to be fey? but also there are some other brownie-like fey if I remember)

Song of the Huntress - medieval historical fantasy, one of the MCs is the leader of the wild hunt, a human who was taken and eventually became immortal. most of the story revolves around the human politics + magic

okay I was asked about fey books I’ve read that Do stick to folklore a bit more than certain popular books - and actually looking at what fey books I’ve read  it’s a bit like…. books that stick to folklore closely I sometimes Don’t Love, and there are others that don’t stick to it as much but I like the overall narrative more? or some mix of that. 

so here’s a list of a few - a range of how much they stick to folklore (which of course is an amorphous thing) and how much I like them, but it’s something!

YA

That Self-Same Metal - literally just read this, it’s about a Black girl who’s the stage blade expert for shakespeare’s company and can see fey, and they’re appearing more and more in the city. explores a bit of the midsummer night’s dream fey but also like “shakespeare was wrong” and general folklore. definitely the start of a series and has a lot going on but I thought it has some cool ideas!

all Holly Black’s books deal with them well! the Modern Faerie Tales companion/trilogy has maybe aged a bit by now, and I hate way the romance ended up together in The Folk of the Air (and the way the fandom is about it) but otherwise I do really like how it deals with fey and politics! also enjoyed The Darkest Part of the Forest. these are all intertwined/same world

The Buried And The Bound - a hedgewitch girl keeps fey away from her town, and gets caught up with two boys who are cursed. mostly deals with minor fey and a powerful hag

An Enchantment of Ravens - it’s been quite a few years since I read this, but I do remember enjoying it. It is a bit more of a romance focused story also, an artist stolen into the fey realm for painting a fey prince as if he was human(iirc?)

The Bone Houses - not directly dealing with fey, but like the aftermath of the ancient fey’s curses? welsh myth inspired. which I think is cool.

At The Edge of The Woods - about a girl in a religious/patriarchial village who starts to have strange dreams about a fey boy luring her into the woods. it’s not super focused on them, but they’re very much the classic ‘dangerous fey stealing people away for entertainment’ kind of thing

Adult

Emily Wilde’s Encyclopaedia of Faeries - I sort of have mixed feelings about this - I really enjoy how it dealt with fey and the creepier folklore creatures side of it! the handling of the changeling was a bit iffy and not sure about the romance

The Wolf Among the Wild Hunt - dark fantasy novella about a wolf-shifter made to join the wild hunt to save his qpr. focused on the unseelie/wild hunt area

Silver in the Wood - gaslamp fantasy novella about the keeper of a magical forest, dryads and dangerous fey

The Wind City - a bit of a mashup of fey folklore and Māori atua in a modern NZ setting

Sinners/Veiled - very classic but also with the element of a modern setting where human pollution is like a drug to fey (and the MC is a drug lord.) (so kind of dark but also not dark in the sexy way bc the MC is aroace)

Under The Pendulum Sun - this is a gothic fantasy that has a bit of a new take on a fey world, but also definitely has some of those creepy folklore vibes.

Siren Queen - this only partly involves fey but I thought the way that it mashed up old hollywood and fey (aka shady deals for fame themes) was interesting!

Sorcerer to the Crown/The True Queen - my memory on this is hazy, but I believe it’s regency fantasy, with its own take on a fey world/magic (moreso the 2nd book)

Malice/Misrule - adult high fantasy lesbian sleeping beauty reimagining, this is kind of doing it’s own thing I guess (I don’t remember if they’re even called fey?) but definitely has a bit of the creepy creature/court vibes in book 2 especially

In The Jaded Grove - I was just looking up books to see if there was anything I missed and found this, which seems interesting to me!

I also haven’t read Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell (but I watched the show ages ago) and I believe that has the vibe too

[languor-em]

🏰Castle in the Sky and 🌊Ocean Waves from the ask game if you wannna!

I'm finally getting to these after like,, a couple of weeks because ngl- I completely forgot about this ask game until now but!! Thank you!! :D

🏰 What's an urban legend or myth that you've always believed in? 🏰

Anyone who knows me personally or like,, for a while will know that I'm actually a very superstitious person, and I honestly believe in most mythological creatures and cryptids, as silly as it may seem. But more specifically, I've always believed in the fae!! I was absolutely enamoured by the fair folk as a kid, and my mom (who's half Welsh and studied Celtic mythology for a little while) decided that she would teach me about those stories. I grew up learning about the Unseelie and Seelie courts of Scotland (I think? Please correct me if I'm wrong), the Daoine Sídhe in Ireland and like,, she always told me to be careful around that sort of thing. So I've always believed in and have been really careful around that particular part of the supernatural, especially since I began practicing witchcraft. But that's just me!! I'm curious about what other people think/believe in :O

🌊 What makes you feel the most nostalgic? What memory will you always hold on to? 🌊

So ngl- all of my important and nostalgic memories are very recent? I really don't remember much about my childhood beyond weird specifics, so most of my happy memories are within the past few years. I hold many dear with my friends online and irl- but one in particular is when I went to a corn maze with my now best friend in 2019. We had to share a scarf and a pair of gloves, neither of us were prepared for how cold it was. So each of us had one glove and held hands the whole time. We did goofy renditions of Irish songs while we waited to get into the actual spooky portion of the maze, and we led eachother through the parts where we couldn't see due to the strobe lights. We also befriended one of the actors and,,, man. We got drinks after, I got a hot chocolate and I think he got a london fog, and I remember that being the moment where I realized that I wanted to get closer to him. Now we're basically siblings, and I love him a lot. Shout out to @necrotalvus , he's my bff and his art is absolutely amazing!! He's been trying to be more active on Tumblr so!! Give him some love and support!!!

[cosmiclatte28]

#2 Miracles in December (Kai x you)

Second day of Christmas 

Miracles in December (Kai x you)

I do not own the pictures, but I own the stories :) hope you enjoy this

“Closed,” you grunt in defeat when the last café on the street you’re strolling in also placed a closed sign on their door.

You turn your head to check if you missed any stores or not, but well you didn’t miss any! Every shop just decided to close earlier, and this was totally unexpected. It’s your first Christmas in Seoul and you did not know the shops always close earlier on Christmas week. Great what a good friend Baekhyun is for forgetting to mention this! The cold wind gushes and you shudder from the cold wind. It’s cold but not really freezing. Your coat and thermal sweater are enough to at least keep you warm until you find maybe a small market or just a place to sit and warm your body.

You glance to see not much people are roaming in this street, funny that you remember last week this place was crowded but now there is only you and some strangers who happen to also be looking for a place to take shelter.

The bus stop is on the other block and the MRT is also quiet a long walk, you don’t feel safe walking to the MRT station by yourself in the cold and empty road. You take out your phone and type to look up the closest store that is open here, but the internet shows you all stores are closed.

“Great! Now I am going to freeze as I walk my way to the station.”  Your shoulder slump and you sadly go back to walk on the road that took you here.

“Looks like everything is closed here!” A man yelled in defeat and your ear perks up.

You turn your body around to see someone in long coat also slouching his shoulder when he read the “closed” sign on every door.

You laugh and it caught his attention, “Yeah it was a bummer I was walking around looking for café to sit by and turns out everything is closed already!”

He squints his eyes to see you but failed, so he walks to you.

“Ah you’re also by yourself! Yeah I did not know they always close up earlier in Christmas week.” He sways on his feet. He suddenly reaches out his hand from his pocket, “My name is Kai, I am not going to hurt you.” He giggles when you grab his hand and shake it, “I’m (y/n) and I am also not a baddie. I was just stranded here cold and surprised no stores are open.”

“Oh you’re also new here?” he sounds interested.

You know you shouldn’t be telling a stranger your stories, but here you are the cold winter night makes you blurt everything out.

“Yeah I just moved two weeks ago, and my friend did not mention this. I was planning to see-“ he cuts you in “See the lights?” his eyes twinkle and you stop to shake your head in disbelief

“Sorry I cut you!” he runs a hand over his neck, suddenly feeling shy for losing his manners.

You shake your head, “No need to be sorry! Yes I want to see the Christmas lights.”

He frowns, “Why are you here then? It’s in the middle of the city!”

You give out a huff, “I took the wrong MRT route!”

He checks his watch, “Actually it’s not too late yet to catch the bus and reach the center of the city. Do you want to go with me? I know the route.”

You can’t say how grateful you are to meet him and happen to have the same destination.

“That’s very nice of you, Kai.” You clap eagerly and he starts walking ahead of you. You copy his long strides and you tighten your jacket when the wind blows harder. The two of you start talking to one another, getting to know your favorite music, films, where you work at and basically talking about how a warm red bean bun will taste so good right now. You were laughing when the two of you meet a busier street and more people can be seen walking to a bus station.

The wind blows again and you know you’re going to have an aching throat because the wind can reach your neck. You forgot your scarf and now you regret not taking it.

“Here, you look like you need it more.” Kai suddenly stops and you stop too. He unwinds the scarf on his neck and carefully place it over your neck. He wraps it securely over your neck and you blush.

“Thank you, but what about you?” you feel bad for him.

He shakes his head and just puts on the hoodie of his coat “The bus station is near and you’re freezing there.”

You cannot explain how nice he is, as the two of you reach the bus stop, it is right on time that your bus arrives.

“let’s go, it’s this one number 87 going to the central park.” Kai pulls you into the bus and with that the two of you find your seats.

The ride was quiet long, so you spend the time by sharing music from your earphone. This is such a cliché but you never expect this to happen to you in real life with a stranger who you chose to trust and believe.

After ten songs, you begin to see the lights of the sky scraper and the advertising boards. It’s totally different! The vibes here really scream Christmas and you cannot take your eyes off the window like a kid.

“So pretty!” you point to the lights and Kai plays along, he chuckles but lets you scream and squeal when you see how the lights twinkle in the dark.

“Oh it’s starting to snow! There’s a café there, I think we can sit inside and see the lights.” Kai guards your shoulder because the area is a bit crowded and he didn’t want to lose you.

You follow his lead and reach a comfortable warm café. You buy him a cup of hot drink and sit by the window.

“You’re right the snow is falling and glad we’re already here!” you sip on your cocoa and he smiles.

“I’m always sitting here when I go to see the light show. Oh did you know they will put a light show on the Christmas tree every 9 pm? It’s just 2 minutes away.” Kai also sounds like a kid who cannot hold back his excitement.

You gasp in surprise, “Really? Wow!”

He was not lying, when your phone clock turns to 09.00 pm the streets are crowded with people but you can still see the big Christmas tree starting to do a light show.

You cannot take your eyes off from the mesmerizing lights and so does Kai. If someone took a picture of both of you right now, you’ll see two big kids glued on the lights like moth when they see lights!

“Pretty right? Quite fascinating… even better because this year I did not watch this by myself.” Kai speaks up after the last light goes back to normal.

You almost choke on your drink, are you hearing him correctly?

“I know it may sound too fast, but you’re making my heart flip.” Kai admits and looks away from you.

You throw him a smile and reach out for his hand on the table, “Well we can take this slowly. You can walk with me home and take your scarf back tomorrow after I wash it.”

He huffs and looks around only to freeze when he sees that actually above the two of you a mistletoe was hung. His hand was slumped, and you let it go, confused by his action.

You follow his gaze and your jaw hung open. “Um not too fast.” You chuckle nervously and he looks relaxed “Yep I was afraid when I saw that too!”

Both of you burst into a laugh and you boldly grab his hand on the table “Well Kai, it was good knowing you! Shall we go back? It’s running a bit late, and if our direction is the same we can take the bus. If not then I’ll see you around here tomorrow.” You ask him and he thinks for a while.

“My house is north, where are you going?”

You point the other way, “South. Guess my second option works better.”

He nods “Sure, take a good care of that scarf, it’s from my father. His last gift for me.”

You touch it and hold back your tear, really he trust you this much?

“I will, don’t worry! Okay then thank you Kai! I’ll see you here tomorrow?”

He steps outside of the café and stands beside you.

He glances to you one more time, “Yes by mid-day sharp. Have a great night.”

You turn your heel and wave him goodbye, after you’re gone from his peripheral view Kai squeals in delight when he finally find someone to spend the end of year with.

“(y/n)… what an interesting sweetheart! Thanks dad, your scarf really brings love and warmth.” He smiles to the stars on the sky and walks home with light heart and feet.

Turns out  miracle in December is not a myth.

  see you tomorrow! 

Christmas masterlist

[velvetthunder1999]

All the time on Earth

Part 3 - The Yule Ball

Summary: Your date leaves you during the Yule Ball, but luckily, George is there to save the day - and your night.

Warnings: None, Fluff

Word count: 2K

George Weasley x Reader

Song featuring: Magic Works - The Weird Sisters

Masterlist

- Edited for grammar -

Red dress with golden laces — you were dressing up in the house’s colors. You let your hair down and checked yourself in the mirror once again before you headed down the stairs. The common room was already full of people, in front of your eyes were dresses and robes mixed together into a beautiful range of colors. You waved to a few familiar faces, then opened the Fat Lady and went to meet your date for the night.

Two days after the McLaggen incident you already had a Durmstrang boy asking to be your escort. You didn’t know him at all, but you said yes, hoping that you’ll have a great night. You knew Ginny’s desire to go with Harry hadn’t worked out, but you didn’t have any secret crushes so you were just happy to go with anyone.

As you walked down the stairs you spotted your date talking to a Beauxbatons girl with a big smile on his face. You were a bit unsure whether you should intervene or not, but then the boy saw you and waved.

“Hi,” you said, not as nervous as you had imagined to be. “How are you?”

“Good evening” he said with his thick accent. “May I?”

He offered his arm and you grabbed it gently, letting him leading you to the Great Hall.

“I’m sorry, but I think I forgot your name,” you admitted, trying not to feel embarrassed.

“It’s Alexander,” he said. “And you are?”

“Oh, it’s Y/N”.

He nodded and didn’t say anything else. You were a bit surprised by his calm attitude. You thought he’d smile at you, or compliment your dress at least but it didn’t seem to be the case. Alexander was searching the room and when he found his friends he just lead you there and started talking to them.

You were not quite sure what to do with yourself. Luckily, the four champions entered the Great Hall with their partners, opening the ball with a dance. You smiled at Hermione. She looked really pretty.

When others started to join the champions, you felt Alexander’s hand on your arm. He shot a polite smile at you while leading you to the other dancers, but you somehow felt the whole situation as an obligatory thing. You two didn’t talk the entire time. Soon it started to bother you how he was only looking over your shoulder, gesturing to his friends behind you.

“So, er — Do you enjoy being here this year?” you tried to start a conversation. He looked at you almost in wonder, like he was just now realizing that the two of you were dancing. He nodded.

“Yes, yes, very beautiful. I’ll be right back, okay?”

He let go of your waist and turned to is friends.

“Oh, er — okay,” you said in confusion but he couldn’t hear it. He was already at the other side of the room.

You felt a bit embarrassed standing there on your own while dancers were bumping into you, so you decided to flee. You walked to one of the tables where you could get drinks and searched for something you’d like. You held a glass in your hand and as you turned around you saw Alexander, laughing while dancing with the Beauxbatons girl he had been talking with before. Your jaw dropped in outrage.

“Close your mouth, otherwise something’s gonna fly into it.”

The familiar voice belonged to a familiar face. You looked at the boy and said in total disbelief:

“My partner is dancing with someone else!”

George turned around to the way you were pointing. Seeing the boy he snorted. “Well, not a big loss if you ask me.”

“Well, I didn’t ask you,” you said, taking the piss. He shrugged, smiling.

“Maybe you should have. Then you’d have a better partner. What are you drinking?”

You looked at the empty glass in your hand.

“Butterbeer, please.”

He poured you and himself a glass, then he drank half of it. You were watching him, wondering.

“So where is your partner?”

“Er — somewhere around there I guess,” he pointed at the farthest corner of the room. “We got separated and to tell you the truth, neither of us wanted to find the other again.”

“I see. Why did you come with her then?”

“I didn’t think it was a big deal.” he shook his head. “The whole ball, actually.”

You didn’t have an answer to that so you nodded and drank. George was looking at your face the whole time.

“So is there anything like this where you live?” he asked.

“A muggle ball, you mean?” you asked. He nodded. “I wouldn’t really know. I don’t attend those.”

“Why not?”

“Er — they are a bit different than this.”

“Really? How?”

“Well, reason number one, I am not really welcome at them.”

You saw on his face that he expected anything but this. His eyes grew big in surprise.

“What do you mean?”

You decided to give him the shorter version.

“Well, my parents don’t really — er — like me.”

“Wait, what?” he put down his glass, his full attention on you. “I didn’t know that.”

“Why would you know that?” you asked, confused. “I don’t talk to you and your brother.”

“Yeah, but I… hold on a second. Me and my brother?” his eyes were full of suspicion. Then he spoke like he just uncovered a secret. “You don’t even know which one am I, do you?”

It was your turn to be suspicious.

“Why the hell would I not know?”

“Cause there’s only a very few people who do.” He sounded quite proud.

“You’re only twins, it’s not like you’re the only pair on Earth,” you rolled your eyes. A cheeky smile appeared on the boy’s face.

“Then tell me who do you think I am.”

You crossed your arms and raised an eyebrow.

“I’m not telling you.”

“Which means you don’t know.”

“No, it means that I’m not playing your game. I know who you are. Let’s move on.”

“Sure,” he was still smiling. “So why do you think your parents don’t like you?”

“I don’t just think, it’s a fact.”

“But why?”

His smile disappeared, his face seemed more genuine. You cleared your throat and only looked him in the eye after you finished your drink.

“Well, I’m a witch, you know. And where I come from witches are not very welcome.”

“Why?”

“Er — do you remember those stories Binns told us about muggles hunting down witches in the past cause they feared them?”

“I guess.”

“Yeah, we are those people. My parents, I mean. They live in the past, really. They’re not hurting anyone but they still think I’m a disgrace.”

“You’re joking?”

“No. I’m serious.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“Thanks.”

“At least here you can be with friends.”

“Yeah, and listen to Malfoy giving me shit for being muggleborn.”

He snorted.

“Muggleborn my ass. More like smuggle-born.”

You almost choked on your drink.

“Wait, what?” you could hardly breathe from laughing. George nodded cheerfully.

“You didn’t know? Quite a lot of people call you ‘the smuggleborn girl’. Because you can get them everything they need.

“No way!”

“Yeah.” He changed his voice to sound like a kid “‘Hey, do you know where can I get that pen that has four colors?’ — ‘Yeah, try ask the smuggleborn girl.’ — ‘But I thought she was just a myth!’”

You couldn’ t hold back anymore. Your laugh was loud and joyful, and George seemed to be quite proud of himself while listening to it. He poured you another drink and raised his own to make a toast.

“To smuggleborns.”

You chuckled.

“To smuggleborns.”

“We would be happy to collaborate with you on business matters, dear Y/N,” his style reminded you to his prefect brother’s who would always order people around in the hallway during his student years. “May our cooperation leave thousands of customers satisfied.”

You both drank and you started to feel warmth in your chest, probably caused by the consumed butterbeers. It was nice talking to George, and you didn’t mind at all that Alexander had ditched you in the first ten minutes.

You stayed there for over an hour just talking and laughing about the silliest things. The Great Hall slowly started to get emptier as the night went on. You and George were at your fourth butterbeer when the music started to slow down and the band announced that they were finishing up.

You looked at the others; only a few couples stayed and swayed slowly to the music.

“Looks like it’s ending.”

“Yeah.” George put down his drink and offered his hand to you. “You wanna dance?”

He caught you off guard, but a smile appeared on your face.

“Really?”

“Yeah, it’s the last song. C’mon.”

He took your hand and lead you to the dance floor. He placed one hand on your waist as McGonagall had taught you all, his other hand grabbed yours. The music was sweet, the tune was caressing your soul. Everything else seemed to disappear and you felt nothing but delight.

���—

George was not the best dancer there is, but he enjoyed dancing with you. He was careful not to step on your feet, but that was he’s only concern, really. He felt free, he felt relaxed and… and… and you were really pretty.

“You look really pretty tonight” he said, his throat a bit dry.

Your face lit up. Your smile was pretty, too.

“Thank you” you said.

“You’re also dancing way better than I am.”

“Really? I didn’t notice.”

George had to laugh at your lie. His chest was heating up. Must be all the drinking. Suddenly he wished you had told him who do you think he was. He wished you knew who you were dancing with.

So believe that magic works,

Don’t be afraid of being hurt,

Don’t let this magic die,

The answer’s there - oh, just look in her eyes

You suddenly let go of his hand and his palm felt quite empty. A moment later you raised your arms and put them around his neck.

“Is this okay?” you asked.

“Yeah,” he said, placing both hands on your waist.

He didn’t know what the bloody hell was going on. He couldn’t think straight. He felt lost in the moment and he was perfectly fine with it.

When the song ended and you let go of him to applause the band, he felt like he was waking up from a dream. He felt dizzy, he suddenly regretted drinking that much. He wanted to talk to you more, but he also needed to lie down for some reason. He looked at you, smile on his face.

“Can I walk you back?”

“Yeah, I mean we’re going to the same place anyway,” you said cheekily.

“Witty,” he rolled his eyes then gestured towards the door. “After you.”

He left the Great Hall with you by his side. He was incredibly pleased with the night. The Beauxbatons girl leaving him behind was the best thing that could’ve happened to him. He had never really thought about you before, you were in your own world and he was in his. But now you seemed to be quite pleasent to be around.

You gave the password to the Fat Lady and entered to the common room. After taking a few steps George took a deep breath to say goodbye to you, but you spoke first.

“Thank you for the dance. I had a great time.”

George nodded, still feeling a little bit dizzy.

“Yeah, me too.”

“Well —  see you later then.”

“See ya.”

You waved him goodbye and walked to the stairs. You were on the second step when you seemed to remember something and stopped. You turned around, that cheeky smile on your face as you looked him in the eye.

“Good night, George.”

And with that you disappeared behind the door. George didn’t even realize what happened until ten minutes later when he was lying in his bed, under the covers.

You knew.

——

The next day you wanted to sleep in, but your stomach demanded otherwise. You got up, got dressed and walked down the stairs.

“Finally. We’ve been waiting for you for ages!”

You looked quite surprised at Fred, who was getting up from the couch with a grunt.

“George says, it would be smart for us to work together.”

You looked at George who was trying to hide his smile.

“You wanna go get breakfast?” he said.

You nodded, then opened the Fat Lady.

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

[primatechnosynthpop]

It's A Sad Webisode, But We Film It Anyway

(Aka, the things I write when I should be doing schoolwork...)

It was a cold, gray morning. The coldness was due mainly to the fact that Neil had left his bedroom window open the previous night, and the grayness was due to the fact that he hadn't cleaned the house in a while, leading to his walls being covered in a gray film of dust. Both those oversights were due in part to his natural aversion to housework, but also to the deep depression that was hanging over him lately, much like motes of dust. And that particular morning, his cold gray surroundings provided the perfect backdrop to his sullen morning routine.

It had been a whole week already. That was hard to believe. The sound of screams still rang in his ears sometimes when he closed his eyes, and he couldn't pass by that old house without shuddering (that much was already true beforehand, but now it was a deeper shudder, often accompanied by the prick of tears in his eyes). Worse still, he was hit with an overwhelming sadness every time his gaze landed on that urn… which happened often, because the urn was sitting right there on the kitchen table. He would have put it away somewhere where he didn't have to see it as often, but that would feel disrespectful. It was so weird to think that the little pile of dirt inside that urn had once been one of his best friends. It seemed like too small a container to fit someone so brave, so kind-hearted, so loyal. But there it was--all that was left of the true-blue American hero.

Neil heaved a weary sigh which turned into a yawn halfway through as he trudged into the kitchen. He rubbed sleep out of his eyes and pushed his bedraggled bangs out of his face, but his vision remained slightly blurry, so he took off his glasses and winced at the realization of how smudged they'd gotten. That wasn't even related to him being depressed about Kevin; he was just a mess that morning for no particular reason. But after wiping his glasses off on his pajama top and splashing some cold tap water on his face, he was all fired up for another day of wallowing in grief… just as soon as he had a nourishing bowl of stale cereal that just didn't taste as sweet these days.

As he was pouring his cereal into the bowl, though, something unusual fell out of the box--a little rectangle of shiny paper. Neil blinked, befuddled. His first thought was, did I just win a prize? He checked his cereal box for anything mentioning prizes or contests, but all he could find were nutrition fact charts. In fact, after tilting the box every which way, he finally found a line of text on the inside flap reading There are no fun prizes in here, just cereal. Eyebrows knitting together, Neil looked back at the scrap of paper tucked neatly amongst his cereal. Well, either the box was lying, or this piece of paper was something else altogether. Something like…

*

"It's a message from the studio!"

Neil's eyes were startlingly bright, and he had a grin to match. He was illuminated in the doorway by the rising sun behind him, which was just beginning to crest over the horizon. Did he usually get up and about so early in the morning? Moreover…

"They want us to make another webisode?" Ryan frowned as he examined the piece of paper Neil was shoving in his face. "Can we do that? I mean, you know, without…"

He trailed off, gaze dropping. Neil, naturally knowing exactly what he meant, sighed and scuffed his shoes against the porch. A moment of silence passed between them, during which they both thought of the missing member of their team. Making webisodes would be a lot different without Kevin, and probably not in a good way.

Then Neil suddenly brightened again. He stepped across the threshold into Ryan's house without an invitation--he didn't immediately object to it, so it was fine, probably--and shut the door behind him, not wanting anybody to listen in.

"Yeah, they want us to make a Greek mythology inspired webisode this time." He cleared his throat, adjusted his glasses, and read out the note he'd received:

Dear New Kids on the Rock, sorry for your loss. We will be sending in a new team member to replace James sometime in the next month. In the meantime, you need to continue making movies if you want to keep getting paid. For your next webisode, we'd like you to make an adaptation of a Greek myth.

Sincerely, Plymouth Rock Studios.

"I see…" Ryan stroked his beard, eyebrows raising. "Perhaps we could adapt the myth of Erysichthon eating himself to death, or Lycurgus of Thrace being cursed with madness and mistaking his son for a plant, or…"

"No, no, don't you get it?" Neil interjected, shaking the paper furiously in Ryan's face. "This is our chance! We can do the story of Orpheus and Eurydice, and that way--"

Ryan realized what Neil was getting at just in time for them to exclaim it in unison:

"We can get Kevin back!!"

"You go fetch the filmmaking equipment," Ryan told Neil. "I'll open a portal to the underworld."

"Alright!" Neil enthused. "Be right back!"

He scampered off, grinning wider than he had all week--which wasn't a high bar to clear, because he hadn't smiled whatsoever all week, except for in the fleeting moments when he forgot what had happened to Kevin, only for that momentary forgetfulness to come crashing down and plunge him back into misery at the sight of the urn on the table. But that was all going to change now. Heck, he may as well just throw out that dusty old urn, because he wouldn't be needing it anymore after this mission.

*

Somewhere far below the aboveground realm of the living, in a dark field of ash that stretched forever, a soul wandered amidst countless others. He couldn't remember who he was when he was alive. He couldn't even remember his name. And worst of all, he couldn't see a thing. In fact, the only reason he knew he was in a dark field of ash was because all the other souls kept moaning about it.

Time here didn't flow the same way it did in the living world. He could have been there for an hour or for a century. It felt like the latter. But he had no way of checking, because even if there were any clocks around in this barren field, he wouldn't be able to see them. And he couldn't hear any ticking, so probably no clocks. But hey, on the plus side, no ticking meant no pipe bombs either. At the very least, he didn't have to worry about dying a second time.

And he was definitely dead. That was the one thing about himself that he was sure of. The one scrap of memory that lingered in his mind was the sensation of a tentacle piercing through him, severing his major arteries. Although he couldn't look down at himself to be sure, it didn't feel like this hole was still there when he patted himself. But he didn't have a pulse either, so… yeah. Definitely dead.

He'd like to say it wasn't so bad, really. He had all those other souls for company, right? But all of them were a drag to talk to. Most of them could only moan and groan, and those he encountered who could actually speak were too caught up in emotional turmoil to carry on much of a conversation with. So it was just an eternity of wandering blind and aimless through a desolate field of his fellow ghosts, then. Great.

*

"Geez, this place is giving me the creeps," Neil muttered, trying and failing to suppress a shiver as he surveyed the barren wasteland. "It's so… ghost-y."

Ryan flicked a clump of ash out of his hair with a disgruntled huff. "I'll say. Who would have thought the land of the dead would be so dull and gloomy?"

"Yeah, our webisode isn't going to turn out very visually appealing…" Neil shrugged. "Oh, well, I guess we can edit it in post."

They lapsed back into silence then, with the only sounds being the ash crunching under their shoes and the low moaning of the pale ghostly figures that weaved here and there around them. Then, after a little more walking, Neil stopped, struck with a realization that was accompanied by a pang of dismay.

"Wait. How do we know which of these guys--" He gestured at the countless ghosts milling around them, all featureless save for the vague outlines of indistinguishable faces-- "is Kevin?"

"Oh, yeah…" Ryan turned to look back the way they'd come. Keeping the portal between worlds open was expending a lot of his energy, so he hadn't been paying much attention to all the ghosts… "Maybe we even walked past him already and didn't notice."

"W-well, he'd recognize us, wouldn't he? I mean…" Neil shook his head, unwilling to even consider the possibility that they could encounter their friend and have him not know who they were. That was the kind of thing that happened in movies when people got brainwashed, and it usually led to some kind of big fight. He didn't think he'd be able to take Kevin in a fistfight.

Ryan prodded Neil to snap him out of his troubled thoughts. "Hey, maybe you could get his attention by playing a song."

"Oh, that's right!" Neil held up his trusty keytar, which he'd been carrying with him the whole time. "That is how the myth goes, isn't it? Let's see…"

He ran his fingers along the keys, playing a scale. A cold wind stirred in the previously stagnant air, blowing clouds of ash around--Ryan coughed and swatted the dust away from his face--but most of the ghosts didn't seem to notice, with only a couple of them slightly raising their heads before carrying on their aimless trudging. Still, Neil was encouraged. He kept playing, eventually branching away from scales and into the basic pop song chords.

According to the myth they were adapting, that was how it was supposed to go: someone goes down into the underworld, plays a song, finds the person they came for, and then they leave. At least that was the gist of it. Neil was too eager about this mission to bother poring through any dusty old tomes of mythology beforehand. He knew the basics, and that was the important part; everything else he could just make up as he went along.

Ryan nodded, satisfied with this development. He reached into the inside pocket of his jacket and took out the video camera that he'd also been carrying with him the whole time, and started filming Neil playing his song.

"You're doing great," he called in encouragement when Neil's playing faltered. "Keep it up, and we'll lure Kevin out in no time!"

"I don't know…" Neil sighed, shoulders slumping. Looking around, he still didn't see any ghosts that looked like they might have been Kevin. "If this is where everyone goes when they die, then there must be hundreds of souls here--maybe even thousands. Do you really think we'll find him?"

"I'm sure we will," Ryan replied, but only because he knew that was what Neil wanted to hear. Truth be told, he was pretty skeptical about the prospect of them actually finding Kevin. And even if they did, he just had a bad feeling about this whole mission… he couldn't shake the feeling that there was some important factor they were forgetting.

Neil could sense Ryan's thinly-concealed pessimism, and it put a damper on his spirits, which were already pretty damp to begin with. Still, he wasn't ready to give up just yet. If nothing else, they had to complete their webisode so they could get paid. And so he straightened up, looked into the video camera, and launched into a bona-fide performance.

*

After an indeterminable amount of time spent trudging aimlessly around the void, music rang out through the ash-crusted air.

It was a rhythmic keytar beat, reminiscent of 80's synth pop. Surprisingly catchy. The lost soul raised his head and turned to face the direction the sound was coming from, and although he couldn't see, an image flashed through his mind. The mental image vanished before he could pin down what it was, but it left him with a sense of inner warmth--a sharp contrast to the desolate cold of the field. The music was good, then. He should go toward it.

At as brisk a pace as he could manage while maneuvering around the countless other wandering souls, he followed the source of the sound. A palpable excitement began to thrum through him as he ran. Somehow, this felt like coming home.

As he grew nearer, a voice spoke over the music--not singing, but a whisper edged with what sounded like concern.

"I don't know how much longer I can keep that portal open. Maybe we should leave."

Panic spiked through the lost soul, not unlike the phantom sensation of the tentacle piercing his body. Another mental image flashed through his mind: two men turning their backs on him and walking away.

"N-no!" he cried. "Don't leave me here!"

As soon as he spoke up, the music stopped. Disoriented by the silence, the soul staggered to a halt. If he still had a beating heart, he was sure it would be pounding frantically, and if he had lungs he'd be panting to catch his breath. As it was, he just stood still, staring sightlessly ahead and praying that he hadn't just been abandoned.

Then another voice spoke, quiet and shaky as though with disbelief.

"…Kevin?"

*

Well, you sure wouldn't know it was Kevin just by looking at him. He looked no different from any of the other countless translucent gray figures wandering around the field. The only notable difference was in his behaviour. Unlike all the other souls, only a few of whom displayed the slightest interest in Neil's keytar performance, this one was standing stock-still and appeared to be staring right at them.

"Is that… me?" The soul's voice was low and distorted. It didn't sound exactly like Kevin. But it didn't sound like someone completely different either. "Am I Kevin?"

Neil and Ryan exchanged an anxious look. What were they supposed to say to a question like that? After a moment, Ryan cautiously stepped toward the ghostly figure.

"I don't know… are you?"

"You…" The soul shook his head, his transparent outline of a face twisting into a pained grimace. "I know you, don't I?"

Looking at him up closer, Ryan noticed one physical difference that set this apparition apart from the others. Where all the other souls had the pale outlines of eyes, this one did not. Pulse picking up in excitement, Ryan glanced over his shoulder at Neil and waved him over.

"I think it's him."

"Really?" Neil made his way over to the soul and tried to pat it on the arm, but his hand just phased through it. "How can you tell?"

"Its eyes are missing, see?" Ryan poked his fingers through the empty part of the soul's face where eyes would normally be. "Just like what happened to Kevin."

"Oh, yeah…" Neil shuddered at the memory, which he'd spent the past week trying to put out of his mind. "Well, if it is him, then we should get him a new pair of eyes. He'll need them if we're supposed to keep making webisodes."

Throughout this exchange, the soul took in the achingly familiar sound of those two voices. He knew them, he knew he did! A series of mental images flashed through his head in quick succession, each vanishing before he could properly take them in. He clutched his head and shook it with a growl of frustration.

Then that last word stuck in his head. Webisodes… Yes, that was a familiar term. Another image flashed through his mind, and this time it lingered just long enough for him to identify it: two men--no, three men, himself included--hunched over a laptop, watching a little progress bar labeled "uploading…" tick slowly forward. He remembered drumming his fingers against the arm of the couch they were sitting on, chewing his lip, anxiously awaiting their newly made video to finish uploading to a certain website…

"H-hey, guys," he said slowly, incorporeal body trembling with the weight of the question, "What's that website called again?"

Eyes widening, Neil immediately snapped to attention, and began instinctively rattling it off.

"Http://--"

And suddenly the lost soul remembered, with the force of a tidal wave crashing over him, who he was. The three of them shouted it out together, in perfect unison.

"Hollywoodeasttv.com!!"

"Kevin," Neil gasped, tears of joy welling up in his eyes, "It really is you!"

"Yeah," he replied in a shaky voice, breaking into a grin. "It's me."

He flung his arms around Neil and Ryan, and although his ghostly form just phased right through them, he could feel their warmth, and it made him feel warm and alive as well. They stayed like that for a moment, huddled in a tearful quasi-embrace, until Ryan gasped and pulled back.

"Guys, the portal is closing. We've gotta run!"

Neil grabbed at Kevin's wrist. When that obviously failed, he got another idea. "C'mon, Kev, follow the sound of my instrument. We're gonna get you out of here."

They took off at an urgent pace, heading back the way they came. Ryan walked in front; Neil walked close behind, playing an improvised melody on his keytar; and Kevin took up the lead, only occasionally stumbling over one of the other spirits before righting his course and hurrying to catch up. When they got to the portal, it was still most of the way open, with easily enough room for them all to walk through. On the other side of that portal was the familiar interior of their clubhouse. Just a few more steps, and…

Ryan suddenly stopped walking, causing Neil to bump into him. At the sudden pause of the sound of his friends' footsteps, Kevin stopped as well. Neil prodded Ryan in the back with a puzzled frown.

"Hey, why'd you stop? We're almost out, we just have to--"

"…But that's not how the story goes."

"What?"

"We're adapting the myth of Orpheus, aren't we? He doesn't get Eurydice out of the underworld," Ryan said. Although he kept his voice level, a sharp pang of remorse squeezed at his heart as he spoke. "If we don't adapt the myth correctly, the studio won't be happy."

"Oh…" Neil gulped. "You don't think they'd fire us, do you?"

"I don't know, but we probably wouldn't get paid."

"What are you guys talking about?" Kevin asked, putting his hands on his hips. From his position a few feet behind them, he couldn't hear all of what they were saying over the groaning of the other spirits, but judging by their tones of voice, it couldn't be good.

Neil, beset by guilt at the prospect of leaving his friend behind, tried to glance over his shoulder at Kevin, but Ryan grabbed his head and twisted it back in place. If Kevin saw Neil looking at him with those plaintive puppy-dog eyes, he'd know something was up.

"Oh, nothing," Ryan said way too quickly and loudly. "Just saying how great it's going to be, you know, when all three of us are back in the world of the living…" He leaned in to whisper to Neil. "Listen, I don't like this any more than you do, but we can't take him back with us."

"But we came all this way," Neil objected. "Can't we just turn the video camera off now and edit it in post?"

"Are you talking about the video we're making this week?" Kevin interjected, walking up closer so he could hear them better. "What's it about?"

"It's, um," Neil stammered, "it's a--an inspiring sports movie?"

"Well, it's a good thing you guys came to get me, then," Kevin replied cheerfully. He slung an arm over Neil's shoulders, or performed as close an approximation to such a gesture as he could when he was still incorporeal. "What've you got so far?"

"O-oh, yeah, um… hang on, I've got it somewhere…"

Ryan tugged on Neil's sleeve and motioned toward the portal, which was now gradually growing thinner. "We should go," he reminded him in an urgent hiss.

"…Right, yeah… um…" Biting his lip, Neil gave a shaky nod of acknowledgement in Kevin's general direction without turning to face him. He couldn't bear to look him in the eyes (or lack thereof) just then. "Well, it's been nice seeing you again, Kev."

"Wait, what? You guys aren't taking me with you?"

The confusion and distress in Kevin's voice brought tears to Neil's eyes. Ryan drew in a sharp breath and held his head upright, forcing himself to retain his composure despite the crushing feeling of guilt pressing down on him. They thought back to the way they'd lost Kevin in the first place: running away from the ghoul without stopping to look back, thinking only of preserving their own lives, not realizing Kevin wasn't with them until they'd made it halfway down the block away from the manor, and by then it was too late. If they had stopped and looked back then, and seen that they were inadvertently leaving their friend behind, would they have run back to save him? Well, probably not. That ghoul was pretty scary. But they had another chance to save him now, and… well, they'd be a couple of real jerks if they left him behind again, wouldn't they?

They exchanged a glance, and the agreement passed unspoken. So maybe we won't get paid by the studio this week, Neil thought. So what? It'll be worth it as long as we've got Kevin.

"Of course we're taking you with us," Ryan said, and this time he meant it. He turned to address Kevin as he made this declaration, and Neil concurrently turned to face him as well, no longer ashamed to look him in the weird transparent eyeless face. "We came all this way to get you, didn't we?"

But as soon as they laid eyes on Kevin, a magnetic force took hold of him and yanked him backward. He yelped in surprise and tried to tug himself free, but was powerless to resist the supernatural pull. That was the very important thing they had forgotten--the reason for Orpheus's mythological failure. You weren't supposed to stop and look back at the person you were taking out of the underworld.

Realizing what was happening, Neil sprung into quick-thinking mode. "Ryan, hand me the video camera!"

"Alright, but what are you going to--?"

Neil answered that question before Ryan could finish asking it. In a fluid, decisive motion, Neil reached into the camera and pulled out the long roll of film from within. The film was instantly ruined upon exposure to the ashen air, but that was the last thing on his mind at the moment. He hastily tied the film reel into a makeshift lasso and swung it forward with all his might. Kevin just barely managed to grab ahold of it.

But the forces of the underworld wouldn't loosen their hold on Kevin that easily. He continued to be pulled backward, and holding onto the film reel lasso caused Neil to get pulled along with him. Just before the force either dragged him away or forced him to let go of the film strip, Ryan grabbed Neil around the waist. Steadier on his feet now with his friend holding him in place, Neil began reeling Kevin back towards them.

With their combined efforts, the three of them managed to break free from the pull of the underworld. As soon as Neil had pulled Kevin in close enough that it looked like they'd be able to make it, Ryan released his grip on Neil and darted through the portal. A moment later, Neil slipped through it himself…

And then Kevin stumbled through, just milliseconds before the portal closed. In a reality-defying ripple, his flesh resolidified, ghastly blue-gray transforming into skin flushed with exertion, short messy dark hair, and the slightly rumpled clothes he'd been wearing when he died. He gasped, filling up his newly reformed lungs with fresh air.

Then his legs buckled with exhaustion after such an ordeal and he fell forward. Neil and Ryan were there to catch him before he hit the ground. Kevin sobbed at the sensation of their hands grabbing hold of him--no more phasing; he could feel them, solid and tangible. And they could feel him in just the same way. Driven by the sheer ecstasy of the moment, he lifted them off the ground--prompting a yelp of surprise from Neil--and swung them around in a clumsy circle before setting them back down.

"Oh, man," Kevin half-laughed, half-cried. "I missed you guys so much."

"Aw, gee, we missed you too," Neil replied, patting Kevin on the shoulder.

"Say, you won't be needing that urn anymore, will you?" Ryan asked. "Can I keep it?"

"Of course you can. In fact, I'll throw in an extra one, on the house."

With that declaration, he clutched his friends close to his chest and made a mental vow to never die again.

*

"So, how are the new eyes holding up?"

Kevin blinked and experimentally rolled his eyes up and down and from side to side. His vision was about as good as he remembered, and they were staying in their sockets securely, so…

"Pretty good," he said. "Thanks again, Ryan."

"Oh, it's no trouble. I'm just glad I was finally able to put some of the eyeballs I've been collecting to good use."

Neil wandered in just then, holding up a blank check. "Well, we didn't get paid by the studio," he announced with a sigh of resignation. He flipped the check over to show them the stern note scribbled on the back. "In fact, they're saying we'll rue the day we dared to defy their orders."

It was two days after their underworld rescue mission, and aside from the aforementioned threat from the studio, everything was going great. It was safe to say that the status quo had been effectively restored, and although the lack of payment was a drag, neither Neil or Ryan regretted their decision, at least not enough to go back on it. Having Kevin with them was worth more than one week's salary. And now that they were a trio again, they'd be able to make more movies in the future, unfettered by grief.

"Let me see that." Kevin walked over and took the paper out of Neil's hands. After giving the note a cursory glance, he crumpled it up with a dismissive scoff and tossed it over his shoulder. "Ah, who needs them?" he said, voicing what the others had just been thinking. "As long as we've got each other, we'll be fine."

And it was true: going forward, they all made more of a conscious effort to look out for each other, and through this newfound devotion, they persevered. After all, mortals were only allowed one free trip to the underworld. It was a good thing they didn't waste it.

[samwritesforyou]

ARMY ZIP drabbles

JOURNEY

you and joon have been pretty close friends since you first came to this new highschool. your family has been moving around a lot, so you never stayed long in any schools, until this one.

your mom eventually got to know namjoon’s mother and they became friends as well.

there were always some activities for your class, and one day it was a trip for the whole day, where teachers took all of you to the place that was very similar to some kind of jungle.

it was no surprise to find this type of  surroundings in australia, so nobody was really super stoked by it.

but the exciting part was, that your main partner for the day was joon, and together you’d get lost, just enjoying each other’s company.

to avoid punishment, joon took the situation under his control and called the teacher in charge, bluntly lying about the fact that you two have gone home already. you two didn’t mind spending more time together, especially in this beautiful scenery.

after all you’d find your way out of there and joon would walk you home from the bus station, because it already got dark, and he would give you his grey jacket, because you said under your breath a silent, “how much colder can it be..”

your mom was waiting for you on the porch already - pretty mad - and joon took all the blame on himself, apologising and saying that you two got lost because of him.. she actually forgave the both of you and even invited joon to stay for a cup of tea.

the whole time beside the dinner table you couldn’t take your eyes off him, and he did the same, captivating your eyes with his..

in the hall you were just simply talking about how much fun the whole day was and you both ended up in a warm hug towards the end of your conversation.

since you’re both still underage, your mom makes a firm statement that she will drive namjoon to his own home and as you waved him goodbye you were smiling, because.. damn, he forgot to take his jacket back from you. and you couldn’t help yourself but realise that it smelled just exactly like him.. like home.

PERFECT

yoongi was this perfect friend. you didn’t know him for too long, but it didn’t matter. your personalities clicked and you started to spend a lot of time together.

he was the best baseball player in the whole school and you were fortunate enough to always be by his side, whenever some victory happened.

but what you missed on - in the early stages of your friendship - were the losses, the bad things that happened.

one day you were just passing by the slightly opened door of the changing rooms, when you heard a slight whimper.

you immediately stopped and carefully peeked through the crack, trying to inspect who’s inside.

you saw light hair and a small posture, crouched on the floor near the lockers, shuddering their shoulders, with arms wrapped around their knees, as they desperately tried to hide the sounds that sometimes escaped their lips.

it didn’t take you long to realise who it was..

“yoongi?..” you called, softly, opening the door further and making your way inside.

“i fucked it up.. i fucked it all up,” was all he said, burying his head even tighter to his knees.

so he wasn’t perfect, after all, huh? everyone kept painting yoongi as this cold and professional kid, but they just never got to see the more emotional and vulnerable side of him.

perhaps he didn’t let them see it.

didn’t want them to see it.

but he let you. and when you dropped down on the floor next to him, consoling him and patting his hair, he let you.

when you leaned towards him, he started to cry even harder, letting his emotions out, and finally felt how it was to be truly supported by someone.

that’s what true friends do, right? being here for each other in good and bad times.

ZOMBIE

it was the end of it all. the world has gone insane since last week, when a massive zombie virus broke out... somehow.. to the whole world.

Nobody knows exactly what or how it happened, but even though everyone was fairly “educated” on the apocalypse matter from all the movies and books, loads of people were still getting turned on a daily basis.

in other words, it was terrifying, and not as adventurous as in the fiction.

you were fortunate enough to find yourself, after days on the road, in the abandoned house, still filled with some leftover foods around.

you just did your evening routine and came back to your “room”, where you stood by a small window, looking out and trying to concentrate your attention on the lightest of sounds.

and you finally heard it. a zombie was approaching from the hallway, their grunting clear as day for your careful hearing.

you had no weapon, no help around..

you didn’t know exactly what was your plan, but.. something will have to do.

you grabbed the nearest brick into your palm and squeezed hard, getting nervous.

the undead person already came into the view, feeling your presence and moving in your direction.

when there were only a few meters between the two of you, the gunshot blazed through the air.

the body fell to the floor and you saw a man standing in the hallway, rifle in his strong hands.

“hey.. you okay?” a man said, fixing his freshly dyed purple hair.

“yeah..”

“good. i think you could use a friend in this apocalypse,” a man smirked and gave you a bag with some food, by this making a peace pact between you.

STREET

hoseok was an international student from korea, who was studying art and dancing majors.

you were friends for some time already, but both of you never had time to actually hang out outside of the school grounds.

you were into filmmaking and your study hours were crazy, to say the least.

but finally, summer holidays were approaching. you didn’t make any plans, because most of your friends went travelling, and your buddies from the dorms were supposed to leave to go back to their lovely families.. you just didn’t have that.

one of the final days of the semester before the big break, you were just wandering around the campus, finally having nothing to do, after months of hard work..

and suddenly your phone rang. it startled you, on the screen showing “hoseok” with his number underneath it.

you picked it up, of course.

“hey, are you in town?” you heard an exciting tone on the other end.

“yes, actually..”

“wanna hang out? come to that park near the school, in 20 minutes?”

and it was settled. when you dragged your ass over there, you came perfectly on time and hoseok was already waiting for you, sitting on top of the many big cans that were laying around here.

he simply handed you the graffiti colour. you couldn’t help yourself but to make a surprised expression, but took the paint anyways.

“let’s create something!” he exclaimed, jumping to his feet and started to dance around, filling the walls with some slogans and pictures of all sorts.

he noticed you hesitating at first, and gently put his elegant hand on your back.

“heyy,  don’t be afraid, it’s my first time with this kind of medium too! i just figured we could do something for the first time together and not worry about the result that much, most important thing is just having fun, isnt it?” he smiled at you warmly, and you just couldn’t help it and put your arm towards the wall, spraying his name on it.

YOUNG

it was one of those days, when everything seems quiet, slow and kind of lazy.. it was just another weekend in your small city, far far away from all the excitement of the bigger metropolis.

you were fortunate enough to meet one of the closest people in your life here, though.

you came over to jimin’s place, as you have previously agreed on.

he made you some tea. kettle boiled in the silence of his apartment and you smiled at each other, when he picked your favourite kind.

you knew each other well. and jimin knew even better about your current struggles, as of the problem that you’re trying to become a tattoo artist, but it wasn’t quite working out yet.

he was always trying to help and make things better.

so when you ended up in his room, he took out a marker from his pencil-case and showed it to you, excitedly.

“what should i do with it?” you chuckled, but sadness still prevailed on your face.

“draw on me,” he simply said and put the tool firmly into your hand, “imagine i’m the canvas and you’re about to ink my skin.”

“okay..” it seemed a little weird and embarrassing at first, but after a while you both got fully into it and your passion literally blossomed in front of his eyes and reflected there as beautiful sparkles.

“youth?..” he asked, looking at his arm, with a genuine warm smile.

“youth. let’s never forget about this. when we’re still young, you know?” you smiled and then jimin started laughing with his angelic voice.

“i like it! write more, please..”

you ended up writing things like “i  me”, “happy song :)” and a big “nevermind” in some really rough, but pretty font on his ribs.

“i really like this one..” jimin said, truly amazed.

and a few years later, after you’ve finally made it out of the small town and owned your own tattoo studio, jimin came with a request of nevermind on his ribs.

MAFIA

it was really risky to try and accomplish this mission and you knew it.

there were literally myths and stories going around this mafia, especially their leader.

nobody never described how he looked, just that he was ruthless and never spared their enemies.

all the other heads of gangs had exceptions for some people, but not him.

and when you were caught, illegally transporting some dangerous.. “items” by one of his people, you were immediately captured. this wasn’t supposed to happen and now you knew your fate.

you were held hostage for some days, but now you’re finally on the way to meet the master head behind all of this.

you were pushed into this luxurious room, doors closing loudly behind you. but it was empty..

after the uncomfortable silence the backdoor of this strange place opened and you saw him come in.

his expression was grim and intimidating, but changed in a heartbeat when your eyes met.

“taehyung?..” your voice cracked in between the pronunciation of his name and you were just.. astounded.

you were close friends until last two years, because you suddenly lost contact with each other.

“are you okay?” he immediately rushed to you, uncuffed your hands and wrapped you in a warm hug, dropping his stern facade this instant. in that second all your memories from when you were younger and just having fun together popped up in your head and you couldn’t help but only hug him tighter.

when you pulled away after a while, you cupped his cheeks with your hands and stared into his eyes, “how the fuck did you get into all of this mess?”

you just wanted him to stay this innocent and pure boy you always knew..

“i should ask you the same thing then,” he frowned his brows and pouted.

“i guess we’ll have to figure it out somehow..” you turned your head towards the doors, that slowly clicked as someone was clearly ears dropping you.

“now it’s only you and me, partner.”

MESSENGER

you were just an ice cream truck worker, giving out yet another frozen treat to a happy family in front of your face. ugh. you didn’t like your job one bit. but what can you do in summer, when you don’t have enough money from your usual income like drawing or writing articles, right? next second you look up from your phone and another customer is standing there. “can i get some ice, please? just ice,” he says firmly and tries to keep up a smile, but it breaks a few times, because the man looks genuinely injured on the side of his head. “are you sure? you should call a doctor for that-“ you can’t even finish your sentence when he just pulls his hand into the ice-cubes container himself and pushes it against his temple, part of the ice melting and some of it falling down. suddenly he’s checking his phone and then frantically looks around, not loosing his cool image. then his eyes dart back at you and he says, “do you think i can hide behind the truck? you’d still stand there so its not suspicious that the truck is here by itself?” he really seemed to be in a hurry, so you just nodded your head yes and he was already crouching next to you, in a still position. soon a group of bulky men appeared, coming to you and asking if you havent seen a younger guy with longer brown hair, tattoos and piercings. you have, and he has been hiding just next to your legs. “no, i’m sorry,” you said with an innocent smile and eventually they went away. when the air was clear, the man finally stepped away and most adorable smile appeared on his face. he was holding a small transparent package, full of white crystals. from all the happiness he kissed the package and then patted you a little awkwardly on the shoulder. “thank you so much for covering me. i’m jeongguk, by the way,” he stretched his tattooed arm towards you and you shook hands. “can i get an ice cream now?” he said, a little bit embarrassed, as he stood in front of the truck now, like a normal customer.

[goldgalaxytea-fanfics]

The Little Jellyfish (Asra) - Chapter 1: So hold my hand

Rating: Mature

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: Multi, Other

Fandom: The Arcana

Relationship: Asra Alnazar x Reader

Characters: Asra Alnazar, Reader, You

Additional Tags: MerMay, MerMay 2020, Mer AU, mermaid au, Alternate Universe, AU, Mer Asra, Jellyfish Asra, Merperson Asra (The Arcana), human reader, Reader-Insert, x Reader, gender neutral reader, male reader - Freeform, Female Reader, no specific pronouns used for reader, Frozen (Disney Movies) References, First Meetings, Movie Night, Frozen movie marathon, Sleepy Cuddles, Couch Cuddles, Cuddling & Snuggling, One (1) forehead kiss, Mer Asra learns about the human world, Little Mermaid Elements, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Eventual Sex

Words: 1,949

Summary:

Merpeople weren’t real, they were simply stories told throughout the centuries to entertain people. They were myths, legends, folklore, or at least, that’s what you thought. So when you saw a person in his birthday suit stumbling around the beach near your house, your first thought "wasn’t omg what if that’s a merperson that just got legs and that’s why he’s falling over like a toddler?" No, it was "holy shit is he drunk out of his mind?"

Notes:

This is the first part of a series for MerMay 2020! Each part will be a separate story featuring a mer!love interest x human!reader. There will be 6 stories in total, one for each LI! Full disclosure, each one will end in fishy horizontal tangos👀

(Chapter title from "Little Talks" by Of Monsters and Men)

Chapter 2 ▶️

Series Masterlist

Merpeople weren’t real, they were simply stories told throughout the centuries to entertain people. They were myths, legends, folklore, or at least, that’s what you thought. So when you saw a person in his birthday suit stumbling around the beach near your house, your first thought wasn’t omg what if that’s a merperson that just got legs and that’s why he’s falling over like a toddler? No, it was holy shit is he drunk out of his mind? Though since it was the middle of the day and there hadn’t been any parties nearby last night it quickly shifted to oh my god he’s either on drugs or bat shit crazy. You tried ignoring him, but it was difficult watching him stumble around like a newborn foal, especially with the adorable pout he had every time he tumbled back down onto the sand. You sighed, grabbing a towel and heading outside, silently praying that you wouldn’t grow to regret this decision.

“Hey…” Vibrant purple eyes snapped to yours, the pure wonder and awe swimming in them surprised you, he looked like a kid set loose in a candy shop. If this was a cartoon he’d have literal stars in his eyes. Seriously what the hell is up with this person? You took in the rest of his appearance, pointedly avoiding anywhere below his waist. A white tattoo of an unfamiliar symbol rested right above his heart, a stark contrast to his golden brown skin. The sun shining favorably upon him almost gave him the illusion of actual gold. White fluffy curls danced around his head in every direction, almost like a cloud had descended from the sky just to rest upon his head. He was so gorgeous he couldn’t possibly be real. What the literal fuck. This was just getting weirder and weirder.

“Um… are you okay?” Your eyes finally drifted back to his, shocked to find he had been checking you out as well. Your cheeks grew warm, but you couldn’t blame it on the warm weather. Clearing your throat and avoiding his intense gaze you hold the towel out to him. He tilted his head curiously. “You, uh, you should cover yourself. This isn’t a nude beach so you’ll probably get in trouble.” His soft lips parted as he finally spoke.

“Oh, right, forgot about that.” His voice itself sounded like the world’s most beautiful song, yet what he said was the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard. Who in their right mind forgets they can’t be nude in public? Your heart sank. Maybe he wasn’t in his right mind… You swept your doubt under the rug, he obviously needed assistance and you were determined to see this through. Besides he seemed harmless. He took the towel, long slender fingers brushing against yours. You jumped, his fingers were freezing. Worry settled heavily in your chest. You were no doctor, but it was definitely not a good sign he was cold in the middle of one of the hottest days of the summer. “Would you like to go to my house?” You spoke before you could even weigh the pros and cons of that kind of offer. He blinked. “I could give you some proper clothes to wear until you can get your own.” You offered your hand to him. He stared at you for a moment, thinking over your offer. His curious expression broke into a wide smile as he took your hand. You helped him up but refused to let go of his hand, trying your best to transfer some heat into the icy limb. He did his confused little head tilt again and your heart skipped a beat. It's not fair that he's so other worldly hot and so goddamn adorable. “Your hands are cold, I’m just trying to warm them up.”

“Thank you.” He flashed his blinding smile again. Yeah, he’s definitely going to be the death of you. The both of you walked in silence, it was quite peaceful really. Until cold arms wrapped around you. You shrieked and jumped away from him. His eyes were wide, but he refused to look at you. Instead choosing to stare sadly at his hands, like they were at fault. “I apologize-”

“It’s okay!” You quickly cut him off, not being able to stand him looking like a kicked puppy for another second. “You just surprised me.” You opened your arms in invitation. It only took a second for him to throw himself into your arms, practically tackling you. The force nearly toppled you over but you managed to keep the both of you on your feet. He nuzzled his head against yours.

“So warm…” He whispered. You laughed, trying to suppress your shivers. It felt like hugging a block of ice, this definitely isn’t normal. You speed walked back to your home as fast as you could with a half naked person clinging to you. As soon as you got in the door you freed yourself from the handsome stranger’s embrace, a soft whine escaping him as you hurried to get him clothes and blankets. You returned to him with the large pile, dumping it on the couch as he watched you with curious eyes. He hadn’t moved from where you left him. You gestured him over and he came immediately, nearly tripping over the end table.

“I got some warm pajamas for you and some blankets so you can keep warm. Do you feel sick?” You inquired. He merely shook his head and went to grab the clothes from the couch. “Wait! You’re still covered in sand.” You smacked your head, how could you forget that so easily? “My bathroom’s down the hall so you can rinse off.” You pointed in the direction. He didn’t move, just staring at you. “Do you... do you need help with the shower?”

“Yes…” He sheepishly mumbled. You grabbed the pjs and then his wrist, guiding him down the hallway.

“It’s okay! I’ll show you how to work it.” You set the clothes on the counter and showed him the shower, demonstrating how to turn it on and off and how to change the temperature. He paid full attention to your mini lesson, very interested in the shower and how it worked. Once you felt confident he knew what he was doing you left him to his own devices. Making your way back to the couch you took a glance at the time. Oh it was 6 PM already. You headed towards the kitchen, deciding to make some Chicken Noodle Soup. It would quickly warm the mysterious stranger up and hopefully help with whatever was wrong with him.

As soon as you poured the soup into two bowls soft footsteps came down the hallway. You turned to smile at him as he entered the kitchen, trying to hold back a laugh. His hair was somehow even puffier now. Without thinking you reached out to feel how soft it was. Your hand gently drifted through what you swore could’ve been a real life cloud. A pleased sigh broke you from your trance. Embarrassed you pulled your hand back as if you'd been burned. He pouted while you quickly changed subjects.

“I made us some lunch." You carried the bowls over to the couch, setting them down on the table. You patted the other side of the couch, motioning him to sit next to you. As he sat down you realized the irony of what he was wearing. You had grabbed the first pajamas you could reach, which just so happened to be Frozen themed pajamas. You laughed, earning another curious stare from your beautiful companion.

"Why are you laughing?" He was confused but your good mood must have been infectious, for he was smiling along with you.

"Your skin is ice cold and I gave you Frozen themed pajamas." You snorted at the sight of blue snowflakes and Olaf scattered all over the white fabric while his brows furrowed.

"But… those clothes are not made of ice?" He questioned. He can't be serious. You observed his lost expression. Holy shit he's serious.

"Frozen is a movie about-"

"What's a movie?" He asked. You blinked, processing what he had said.

"You're… you're not from around here are you?" You wondered aloud. That would explain why he didn't seem to understand anything. It was a flimsy excuse but it was the best you could think of. A musical laugh brought your attention back to your guest. His eyes were mischievous, like he knew something you didn't.

"That is correct. I'm from a very different place than here." He didn't elaborate.

"Okay. Well it's probably better to just show you instead then." You turned on the TV and put the movie on. His violet eyes were glued to the screen as soon as the opening sequence started playing. He paid no mind to you as you wrapped the both of you up in a large fluffy blanket. His eyes only strayed when you handed him his bowl of soup. His eyes stayed on you, observing how you ate your soup before copying what you did. He hummed pleasantly as he devoured the warm food. You tried your best to focus on the movie but it was honestly more entertaining to watch him and his reactions to it instead.

The farther you got into the film, the closer the two of you got. By the end he was pressed up against your side as he cried onto your shoulder. You held him and patted his curls in comfort. As the credits rolled you were both practically cuddling.

"It's over?" He asked, disappointment laced through his voice.

"Yeah it's over. But there's a second movie!" He perked up at that.

"Can we watch that movie too?" He gave you puppy eyes. Even if you wanted to it felt impossible to say no to that face.

"Of course! It wouldn't be a Frozen marathon without the second one!" He happily hugged you. You hid your blush by starting the next film. His attention immediately focused back on the screen, but his arms stayed wrapped around you. You didn't complain, settling your head on his shoulder. You noticed he had grown warmer. He wasn't as warm as a person normally should be, but he wasn't freezing anymore. He felt more lukewarm than anything. Despite that though he felt so comfy. You imagined this is what cuddling a cloud felt like. The softness of him against you was like a siren's song lulling you to sleep. The events of the movie faded away as you succumbed to the gentle lullaby. Soft white locks tickled your face as you realized you were hearing a lullaby. Your new friend was quietly singing along to the movie, voice soft and sweet as you felt his song pull you deeper into the inky abyss of sleep. The last thing you could recall was something soft pressing gently against your forehead.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿🐚‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

You awoke slowly, wiping the sleep from your eyes as you remembered the events of yesterday. You searched for the gorgeous stranger but he was nowhere to be found. The only trace of him was a conch shell left where he had been sitting the night before. It was as white as his hair with the same strange symbol as his tattoo carved into the smooth surface. You examined the shell’s beauty, wondering if you'd ever see him again. Your heart sank as you realized you never got his name, let alone a way to contact him. So it was not likely. It seemed that the movie night would be your only encounter with the mysterious person.

Oh how wrong you were.

Notes:

Fun fact! The Frozen pjammies in the fic are based on pjs I have irl😂

Also Frozen is one of my favorite movies so ofc I'm going to put it in a fic if given the opportunity🥰

Chapter 2 ▶️

Series Masterlist

[alarawriting]

52 Project #1: The Chicken Story

Every part of this story is true. Even the lies. In fact, especially the lies.

***

Yes, I live in the city and I have chickens, no thanks to city legislature. You’d think that cities would be more supportive of having chickens; they kill rats and they produce eggs, what’s not to like? Well, okay, chicken poop isn’t all that pleasant and they destroy all the plants in their run, but unlike, say, cat or dog poop, chicken poop is useful as fertilizer. The city’s somewhat tolerant of hens, but they’re appallingly sexist toward roosters; I mean, yes, the poor guys are loud, but so are dogs and I don’t see anyone banning dog ownership within city limits. Roosters protect their flock from predators and they can serve as watch animals. They don’t actually crow to tell you it’s dawn, though, that’s a myth. Mostly they crow to tell you “Goddamn, yo, check me out, I’m a rooster.” Or something like that. If roosters could talk they would absolutely perform hip-hop.

Anyway, I have a funny story about those chickens, and roosters, and my son, who’s a ninja. No, I’m not making this up, it’s his superpower. He could be standing right there and I could be looking for him and I wouldn’t see him. He’s not invisible, he’s just… very good at going unnoticed. That was really helpful when we were trying to get our second house.

Oh, yeah, so this place is actually two halves of a duplex, and originally, we owned just one. Then the neighbor overextended himself bricking up all the yards back there. You see the street back there? All the yards behind my house are made of concrete now. Rudest thing you ever saw, because they didn’t put in drainage, so all those yards that used to be soil and dirt ended up flooding, directly into my garage. I had my car floating in it, out to the street. I mean, it was raining pretty heavy and all the cars down at the bottom of the hill were also floating, but I’m halfway up the hill so you wouldn’t expect my car to float, but no, I open my garage, and there it is, bobbing up and down. I loved that car. It floated down the street and ended up in the river – yeah, there’s a river down there, you can’t tell most of the time because it’s so shallow it’s barely a creek, but that day it was overflowing and my car floated right into it and sailed off. Never got it back. Pretty sure it’s in the bay someplace. Now all we have is my wife’s minivan, because she was at her parents’ house with the younger kids that weekend, and I’m really not a fan. Who builds a car large enough to transport drywall but too small to stretch your legs if you’re an adult man? Honda, that’s who. She doesn’t care because she’s short, but I miss my car. It was a Chevy Impala, we called it Vlad because you have to call an Impala Vlad, right? Vlad the Impala? Come on, it’s a Dracula joke.

Right, so anyway, the reason they’re all bricked up is that my neighbor was trying to buy up all the properties there, so he had a business offering people that he’d brick up their yard – no more tickets from the city about high grass and weeds, no more kids sneaking into the back to grow illicit tomatoes, no rats – and a lot of people took him up on it, because they didn’t realize about the flooding. Sure, most of it ended up in my garage, but a lot of it ended up in people’s basements, and no one around here has flood insurance, we’re halfway up a hill. And that dislodged the ghosts. See, most of this city’s built on an ancient burial ground of some kind or other… I don’t think Native American, I think it was one of those colonial cemeteries or something, so when you flood basements, you’re gonna get ghosts. And that meant people trying to sell their properties because they’re haunted. So he figured he’d buy up all the houses on the block cheap, right? Except some investigators came in from a government agency and they figured out that he’d known about the ghosts and that’s why he talked people into letting him pour concrete all over their yards, so there were lawsuits – I considered joining in myself, but at the time, he lived on the other half of my house so I didn’t want to stir things up. And at the end of the lawsuits, he was the one who had to sell his house for cheap in a big hurry or face foreclosure, because he’d had to mortgage his house like three times to pay the lawsuits.

Well, we tried to get it legitimately. My wife’s name isn’t on the title to my house, so she was eligible for an FHA loan. But they absolutely refused to believe that she wanted to buy the house next door to the one she was living in just to live in it. They were convinced she wanted to rent it out. She pointed out that the mortgage payments were like twice what anyone would pay to rent a place around here – yay for gentrification, I guess – but they weren’t convinced. So we rented her an apartment and she was going to live in it for six months so that she could go back and get the FHA loan – I mean, she wasn’t really living in it, she was just storing her books in it, but no one was going to be able to tell she wasn’t living in it because if an auditor came to the house, she had it rigged with cameras and speakers and whatnot so she could talk to people remotely and tell them not to come in because of the books, and if you looked through the windows you could see that you couldn’t see a damn thing because of the piles of books everywhere, like seven-foot-tall stacks of books all over the place. But before she could go back to get the loan, the bank finished foreclosing on the guy and then the house wasn’t available for sale.

Now, see, we knew that sooner or later, the bank was going to sell that house, so we went into action. Here’s where my son being a ninja came in; we had him go over there and steal all the doors inside the house and hide them in the attic. The embarrassing thing is that he forgot where he put them so the entire house still doesn’t have doors. We have to have a curtain up in front of the bathroom, since it’s an old house and the width of the doorjamb doesn’t match the sizes they make doors anymore. The cops came and searched for the doors – I think they were suspicious that we took them, since how many houses have a ninja? But after they went up into the attic and two of them fell through the ceiling and broke their ribs, they decided it wasn’t worth their time. Also, I kept pointing out to them about the lawsuit, and the ghosts, like my family was the only one who’d have motivation to steal the doors? Really?

Then we filled the bathroom with dead rats. I guess this requires a little bit of explanation. We didn’t have the chickens yet, or the assassin cat – did I tell you about my assassin cat? No? Well, let me finish telling you about the house first. So we had a lot of rats, and we were poisoning them, as you do when you’ve got that many rats, and we also had traps, and a giant dollhouse with murder dolls in it. You’ve never used a murder doll on a rat? It’s a doll that’s got a knife in its hand, and when the sensors in its eyes detect that there’s a rat walking by, it starts slashing at it like Jason at camp. My wife dressed them up nice so the rats would be fooled, and changed their clothes every day so they wouldn’t smell like rat blood. They had these frilly Victorian white outfits that she just drowned in bleach to get the dead rat smells out.

So anyway, when you’ve got four dozen dead rats, what do you do with them? If you put them all out in trash bags, the city might condemn your house for having that many rats. Never mind that most of them were swarming over from the other house anyway because it was abandoned. So we piled up the dead rat bodies in the bathroom. Then my son stole their refrigerator and rolled it out in the late evening, strolling along with it, mostly because at the time he wasn’t 18 yet but also because ninja, and we loaded it into my wife’s minivan and drove it to a friend’s house because his wife had gotten drunk on cheap wine and stabbed their refrigerator to death with a knife. Apparently it was a really big knife. Then we took the oven, which was good, because there were rats living in it, and we hid it in our garage, which we didn’t keep cars in anymore because of the risk of the garage flooding and the cars floating away. Since we were cognizant of the cops potentially looking for the oven, I let my wife take all the books back out of the apartment she’d been renting because we couldn’t really use it for what we’d intended anyway, and she stacked them all around the oven, and after she was done not only could you not tell there was an oven in there, but you didn’t want to go anywhere near it because you were afraid of a seven-foot-tall stack of books toppling over on you, and I’ve never met a cop who’s seven feet tall. They never did come by, though. Which was good, because the first time it rained, my wife went out there to retrieve all her books to save them from flooding, and of course then you could see the oven again.

We tried to steal the hot tub, but someone else got to it first, along with my lawnmower and backup generator. I felt really bad about the backup generator because we had some really beefy squirrels in there running the dynamo wheel and I don’t know where I’m going to get squirrels that big and strong again.

Then the bank started showing the house, so we stepped up our game. We played death metal at ridiculous volume when people would come to see the house, until we found out from my youngest son’s friend’s mom that she’d actually come to look at the house and thought the death metal was encouraging, as it suggested neighbors she could get along with. So after that it was endless repetitions of music from Sesame Street and The Song That Doesn’t End and Dora the Explorer. During that time period we all wore headphones; it was kind of unbearable, except for the youngest kids, of course. They didn’t mind.

We put cat food and sardines in the air conditioning vents, and potatoes in the closet so they could rot and turn to mush in the dark, and my oldest daughter, whose room was absolutely full of ghosts, did a séance and an exorcism to get the ghosts to move to the other house, and of course it was full of flies because of all the dead rats, and then we randomly placed mannequin parts in strategic locations. It must have worked, because in the end, no one bought the place and the bank put it up for auction, and my wife’s parents bought it for her. And then, of course, we had to clean up the potatoes, and the flies, and the ghosts, and the cat food – someone had gotten to the dead rats already – and deal with the power company being too scared of the ghosts to come hook us up, and the insurance agency rejecting my wife’s parents’ insurance application because someone came by while my daughter was doing her séance/exorcism and apparently black magic is one of those things they don’t tell you you can’t do in an insured house, but they won’t insure your house if they know you’re doing it.

So after all this, after my son the ninja has busted his butt trying to make this place unliveable so we could get it at auction for cheap enough that my wife’s parents could afford it – they’ve got that kind of professional man and housewife money that only boomers get to have anymore, not rich but sure as heck not as poor as I’d be if my wife didn’t work – he says, he wants chickens. He’s found his spirit animal, or something, and it’s a bird. It doesn’t hurt that I have a new boyfriend – yes, I said it, I have a wife and a boyfriend and they know about each other and we all live in the same house, and if you don’t like it, you know what you can sit and spin on. Anyway, my boyfriend is a wild animal dude from Canada, who, like, communes with animals and has conversations with them and is very possibly actually delusional, but he has all these ideas about how we can convert the two yards into an urban farm. It’s his original idea about the chickens, but my son is thrilled with the idea and I’m not gonna say no to the guy after he helped us get our second house, and I like the idea myself, so we go and get chickens.

First snag. My wife’s parents hate chickens. They hate birds in general. Apparently when my wife was a kid, they had a dog who didn’t believe in birds, and the birds pecked his eyes out, so they’ve got a grudge. I… gotta say, much as I love dogs, any dog who told a bird to its face that he didn’t believe in birds had it coming. You just don’t tell people that they don’t exist while you’re looking straight at them. That’s rude.

Second snag. The city won’t let us have more than 4 chickens per yard, but my boyfriend has acquired eight because he thought we’d be able to use the second yard, and because my wife’s parents hate birds, that isn’t happening. And no one wants to give any of the birds up. We’ve got some amazing chickens. We’ve got a white Silkie who I like to keep on my lap and pet when I’m being a supervillain, because any villain can have a long-furred white cat but it takes a really original guy to have a long-furred white chicken. (Obviously, Silkies don’t really have fur, but their feathers have a consistency like silky fur, hence the name.) We’ve got a Silkie crossbreed who sings dubstep. She’s a tiny little bantam chicken, but because she was raised by my son, who has been taking care of all the chickens since we got them, and they think he’s the alpha hen, she gets to boss all the rest of the chickens around because she’s the daughter of the alpha hen, which I guess makes her Princess Hen or something. We’ve got a big black Cochin with feathers on her feet, and a Naked Neck chicken who wants all the rest of her feathers off too, and a bunch of others. Really exotic chickens. So we’re not giving up any of these chickens for anything. We hide the two bantams – the Silkie and the princess – in the house, which necessitates chicken diapers, about which the less said the better – and we just kind of pretend that we have four outdoor chickens instead of six.

And our chickens are heroes. The cops come by one day looking for an armed robber who’s hiding somewhere. The chickens are all riled up. We think they’re worried about the cops, until eventually, they start pecking at something under their coop, and here comes the robber, crawling out from under the coop shrieking because he’s being pecked by half a dozen birds. The cops give the chickens a medal – one for all of them, they don’t have that many medals lying around, and we have to take it away from them and hang it in the house because they’re fighting over it all the time. And the news decides to do a human interest piece on our hero chickens, and we think the world should know how awesome our chickens are, so we let them.

This turns out to be a mistake. Because we’re not legally allowed to have six chickens. So one cold winter afternoon, while we’re getting ready to spend a weekend in another dimension, Animal Control comes and steals all our chickens, and trumps up charges against us such as “no water” (which is what happens after you tip a waterer over on its side), and “inadequate shelter” because they tore the door off the chicken coop to get at our birds, since naturally we had the coop door locked, and “immoral consecration of chicken souls to Satan” which is just a flat out lie. We’re atheists, not Satanists, and even Satanists don’t actually consecrate chicken souls to Satan. That’s mostly edgy teenagers who were raised Catholic.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever gone through a dimensional portal, but the thing is, they are only open for a short period of time, and it can be years before they open again. We couldn’t change our plans; the tickets for the boat were very expensive, since only so many boats were going to be allowed to sail through the portal so it was a really limited thing, and this close to sail time there was no way we could sell our tickets or exchange them. So we had to go on our trip for the weekend, which was great. Really fun. Not as much fun as the time when I was a kid and my family went to the moon and had a barbeque, but do you ever really have as much fun on a vacation when you’re an adult as you did when you were a kid? I keep meaning to take my kids there one of these days – among other things, my family’s barbeque grill is still stuck up there and I want it back – but I’m a little bit afraid that I won’t be able to get the magic back and it’ll be really depressing. While we were sailing out there, we actually got to see the Kraken, at a safe distance away, breaching out in the bay some ways away. My oldest daughter wants to be a marine biologist, so she was telling us all kinds of Kraken facts, and disputing my statement that the fire that burned down the city a century ago was actually caused by the Kraken.

It was carrying a car in its tentacles. I couldn’t be sure – my vision’s not the best even with a telescope – but I could swear the car looked just like Vlad the Impala.

Anyway, when we came back, we found out that the chickens had already been shipped out to a zoo in a different city.

My wife piled us all into the minivan and we drove five hours to go see the chickens at the zoo, and they were doing fine – they were apparently now a traveling exhibit at a petting zoo – but it turns out chickens can see ninjas, particularly ninjas who raised and cared for them. They got so excited when my son snuck into their enclosure to steal them back that they raised a huge ruckus, and even the most talented ninja can’t stay invisible when he’s surrounded by clucking chickens. Then my wife started trying to tell a sob story about stolen chickens, but I’m afraid I got a little angry at the injustice of it all, and it is possible that a zoo employee ended up in a pond, and as a result we were thrown out of the zoo. And then they went to the other side of the country, and we just couldn’t figure out how to smuggle six chickens onto an airplane, and we couldn’t take off enough time from work to go out there with the car… so we basically gave up. The chickens were having a good life at the zoo, and getting them back was going to take way too much effort.

We hardened our premises, securing the run with a locked gate so an animal control officer would have to climb over a six foot fence to get at our chickens, and then protected the fence by getting clematis to grow all over it so it turned into essentially a six foot tall flowering bush, and got a set of eight chicks that we were assured would grow up into hens. Spoiler alert: you can’t tell what sex a chick is. Half of them grew up into roosters. So we ended up with four hens, plus the two bantam hens in the house, to live outside again, but we also ended up with four roosters, and we had to keep the poor guys in the basement. My boyfriend lived in terror of Animal Control, fearing that every time he heard a cop car, it was the cops coming to break into our basement and take our chickens. I’d say he was a little paranoid if not for what happened later; turns out it’s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.

Well, some of our new chickens had a case of wanderlust. We had Raspberry, who really liked to sleep in the bush, and Henry the Eggth, who was something of an escape artist; we kept finding her running down the street, sometimes with my son’s ninja headgear on her body, like she thought that if she just dressed like her ninja Queen Chicken Dad, she could borrow his powers and sneak out unseen.  It didn’t work like that; no matter how hard a chicken trains to be a ninja, she just can’t do it. Not if her goal is to go unseen by humans, anyway. I have no idea whether Henry was able to hide from other chickens or not. The other two, Marie Curie (she got that name because she was a Polish, and Marie Curie was from Poland) and Hen Solo, would sometimes fly up to join Raspberry in the clematis bush. Chickens can’t technically fly, most of the time, because they’re too big for their own wingspan, but Solo was a bantam and Polish are a pretty tiny chicken breed too, so they were both light enough to fly as far as the bush.

Down in the basement, we had Eggy Pop, the sweetest little bantam chick size of an egg you ever saw, who grew up to be an asshole bantam roo, the kind who have a real chip on their shoulders about being bantams, and will try to kick everyone’s ass, including humans; MeToo, a beautiful Silkie who got his name when we thought he was a hen and figured that if anyone was gonna harass a chicken it would be that one; Dr. Tran, whose name I really can’t explain if there are young kids around; and Lyndon LaRoo, who kept trying, and failing, to improve his own position in the pecking order. (Dr. Tran and Lyndon got name changes when we figured out they were roos, as previously they had been named Nightmare Moon and Twilight Chicklet.) We had to keep them boxed in with baby gates, otherwise they’d have escaped through the secret tunnels we’d dug in the basement. (And what a pain those were. Ever try to dig secret tunnels in an area full of ghosts without disturbing anyone’s bones and getting a poltergeist infestation in your house? We had to use the stud finder to find the bones and then avoid them. Must have made the whole project take four times as long.) Upstairs in my son’s room, we have the two bantams, Scootaloo the Silkie crossbreed princess, and Ms. Bigglesworth, the white Silkie.

One day, all the outdoor chickens disappear. Gone, without a trace. This is deeply upsetting to me, my boyfriend and both my sons, so when a neighbor comes by and tells us that there are a lot of chickens running around an empty lot up one of the streets behind my house, we’re very hopeful, and we go into action. We take as many cardboard boxes as we can, the kind my wife uses to store books, and the four of us head up there on foot, since my wife is the only person with a car and she’s taken it and my younger daughter to go visit my oldest daughter in college.

Well, we find there are a lot of chickens up there in that empty lot. We find ours, all right – Raspberry and Henry and Marie and Solo – and a whole lot of others. A Barred Rock rooster, two Orpingtons, a Wyandotte, four random Cornish (these are meat birds, rarely found as pets because of their short life spans, so who knows what they were doing up there), a gamecock and two game hens (couldn’t tell whether they were American Game, Old English Game or some other kind, but they were little and the roo was fierce), an Ameraucana, an Easter Egger, a Brahma, a Rhode Island Red and a Jersey Giant, and then there were the really weird ones – a Sumatra, a Yokohama, a Houdan, a large Oshamo, an Onagadori, two ducks, a baby peacock, and a flamingo. I have no idea what those last guys were doing hanging around chickens.

We’re very worried for these chickens. They’re running around free in an abandoned lot and they’re expensive chickens, a lot of them, that someone is probably looking for… and my experience with Animal Control tells me that if they come along and take the chickens, the families who bought these chickens will never see them again. I have a lot more faith in my boyfriend’s ability to find local chicken owners on Craiglist or various neighborhood sites than I do in Animal Control’s willingness to actually look for owners of the chickens. So I tell my boys, and my boyfriend, that we should grab as many chickens as we can – not just our own, but all of them, so we can repatriate them to their correct homes.

We start boxing chickens. For most breeds you can get two in a box. Little chickens, sometimes three. My ninja son is an experienced chicken wrangler and my younger son is good at making a lot of noise and scaring chickens toward my older son, my boyfriend, or me. We get our own chickens boxed up quickly and start boxing the other chickens.

Then this woman I don’t recognize shows up and starts screaming at me that she’s called Animal Control and I don’t have any right to have any of these chickens. I point out that some of these chickens are mine, but she isn’t having any. She accuses me of being a chicken thief and insists that the chickens have to go to Animal Control. I tell my ninja son to get himself, his brother and my boyfriend out of here with all of the chickens they already have in boxes, and I distract the woman by arguing with her that I have every right to my own chickens and all of these chickens are mine or belong to neighbors of mine that I intend to return them to, and there’s no need to call Animal Control, who will probably ship the chickens off to a petting zoo and the owners will never see them again. She’s not having any. I’m the worst person in the universe for taking chickens that belong to me out of a yard they don’t belong in.

I stand there arguing with her until Animal Control actually shows up, at which point I head back home, hoping my boys have been smart enough to stash the extra chickens somewhere safe. Here’s where there’s a problem. I have a permit for four hens. Not the six hens I actually own, where the bantams live in the house half the year; the city doesn’t let you keep chickens in your house, never mind that bantams have a hard time living through the winter if they live outdoors. And not the four roosters I own, because you’re not allowed to own a roo in the city, and also you’re not allowed to keep chickens in your basement, which would be a reasonable prohibition if not for the prohibition on roosters and the fact that you can’t sex chicks worth a damn.

While Animal Control is gathering up the chickens we didn’t get to, plus the ducks and the baby peacock (the flamingo has flown off by this time), this crazy woman follows me back to my house, continuing to harangue me about stealing chickens and she’s going to have Animal Control inspect my house. I turn back toward her. “Do they have a warrant?”

“I – what? They’re Animal Control, they don’t need a warrant!”

“The only entity that doesn’t need a warrant is Child Protective Services. Everyone else – the cops, the FBI, the Time Police, the SCP Foundation – they’re all required to get a warrant. Why do you think Animal Control would be an exception?”

“Okay, well! We’ll go to a judge and see about getting that warrant!”

“And who’s ‘we’? Unless you work for Animal Control, you’ve got nothing to do with them getting a warrant. All you are is a complainant.”

“You’re a terrible person who mistreats chickens!” she shouts. “Your yard is horrible, your lawn is nothing but weeds all year long, you put construction trash out on your parking pad, and you keep six chickens when you’re only allowed to have four! Four! Four chickens and only four chickens!”

I’ve just figured out who called animal control on us the first time, when our chickens were confiscated, and I feel sudden rage. “You seem to pay a lot of attention to my house for someone I’ve never seen before,” I say. “You know that stalking is against the law, right? Maybe I need to get a warrant served on you.”

She flounces back toward Animal Control, but now I know that she knows where I live, that she has some kind of long-standing grudge against me, and Animal Control actually listens to her. This could be bad.

So when I get back to the house I find a zoo waiting for me. My sons released all the chickens… into the house. Argh. “You’ve got to get them into the basement,” I tell my oldest. “Use the secret tunnels and get them out of here before Animal Control arrives!”

Animal Control shows up five minutes later when my sons have just finished boxing chickens, and after I’ve just finished texting my wife about what’s going on so she can get back here. They demand to come inside my property because they say I have illegal chickens. I tell them the only chickens I have are the ones I’m permitted to have. They don’t believe me. They tell me they’re going to go and get a warrant. I tell them to have fun with that. They insist they can hear a rooster inside, and my heart sinks, because they absolutely can. The basement roos have set up a cacophony of crowing in response to the sound of all the chickens who my son has just finished boxing up and who were previously running around my house.

Now they’re telling me that if I don’t let them in to get the roosters they can plainly hear, they are authorized to use force. Since when has Animal Control been so hardcore? I can’t afford to let them in; quite aside from the roosters and all the extra chickens, I have an illegal rabbit and none of the cats have licenses. Plus, there’s a tarantula. I can’t remember whether it’s legal to have a tarantula for a pet around here. “Fine,” I snap at them, and with great regret, I go downstairs, I get Dr. Tran and Lyndon, and I hand them over to them to protect the rest.

Meanwhile my sons are in the basement on the other half of the house, the half owned by my in-laws, and they’re using the secret tunnels we dug under the entire street to deliver chickens to every house on our side of the street. My boys managed to recover 16 out of the 24 chickens or so we found running around in that lot, and my older son the ninja dropped 2 or 3 chickens at each house (he kept the game hens and their roo together and left them in our old enemies’ basement. I haven’t talked about our war with the people down the block whose son has always been a terrible person and who always decorate outrageously for the holidays, but you have to hate people who have a 20 foot Frosty the Snowman on their roof all winter long.)

Animal Control leaves. The woman, who is hanging back in the yard watching Animal Control, leaves. My wife arrives. Now the thing you need to know about my wife is that, at heart, she longs to be Big Sister – like Big Brother, but just surveilling everybody without actually doing anything about it. Also, she can’t recognize faces. She recognizes me because my hair is distinctive, but she always mistakes my oldest daughter for one of her friends with a similar hair color, mixes up my son and my boyfriend a lot because they have vaguely similar hair, and one time stalked a guy through a shopping center because she thought he might be her brother. There was absolutely no reason to think he might be her brother, to be honest, her brother lives in a different state. So she’s got all this software on her PC that does facial recognition and matches it against databases.

She takes the pictures my youngest son took with his cell phone of the crazy woman, runs them through her databases, and gets a hit. The woman lives on the street behind ours where all the back yards got bricked up. Don’t recognize her name at all, and my boyfriend confirms she is not one of the people he corresponds with online who’s a fellow local chicken owner. So we have no idea what this woman has against us, but my wife doesn’t care.

She goes online to those places that want you to subscribe to three dozen print magazines, and subscribes to them all, in the name of the crazy lady up the street. She orders cheap sex toys and has them shipped there. She signs the crazy lady up for a subscription to monthly snacks in the mail, and Book of the Month Club, and yes I want more information about energy choice, please send an agent to my home. She gets the woman’s phone number out of online databases and requests car insurance quotes, home insurance quotes, quotes on solar panels, quotes on home renovation, quotes on exorcising ghosts, and please send me information on cruises and destination vacations.  She prints the woman’s name on about fifty shipping labels and starts putting moldy VHS tapes of children’s cartoons from the 1990s into envelopes, creates a fake online business so she can buy a Stamps.com account in the name of the fake online business, uses a prepaid Visa card from the drug store to pay for the postage, and mails all the tapes to the woman… one at a time, every day, for two months. She prints fake labels for empty prescription bottles for AIDS anti-virals and really hardcore anti-psychotic drugs and puts them on the prescription bottles, and she’s gonna have my son drop them off in the yards of the neighbors of the woman, but I point out to her that that’s kind of ableist because her entire idea revolves around getting revenge by making the neighbors think the woman is sick, so she shelves that idea.

You don’t mess with my wife.

Animal Control comes back with a warrant the next day. We show them around the house. See? No chickens here. No chickens in our yard, they disappeared. No chickens anywhere in the house! We don’t open any of the doors to the other side of the duplex, so they don’t know that the other side of the house is also ours and therefore they don’t know about the chickens that belong to us that we hid in the basement over there, nor do they know about the secret tunnels we have running under our entire street so they don’t know about the random chickens in the neighbors’ basements. My boyfriend reports that on his neighborhood forums, lots of people are complaining they can hear rooster noises, but they can’t find any roosters, because none of them expect to find roosters in their basements, so they don’t look.

After Animal Control leaves, we go down to the shelter where they drop the confiscated animals, and try to claim four of the eight chickens that got picked up yesterday because if this works, then we’ll find who in the neighborhood lost their chickens and try to get them back to them. We’re told that the confiscated chickens have already been identified as to who they belong to and their owner has picked them up.

Owner, not owners. Remember, you’re only allowed to have 4 chickens per house in this city, but someone managed to get eight.

My son retrieves the various chickens he’d been hiding in people’s basements, we pile them all into the car, and we drive to my boyfriends’ parents’ farm in Canada. Extradite these chickens, assholes. When the heat dies down we can try to find their real owners, we figure. Meanwhile we retrieve our own chickens from the basement on the other side of the house, put four out in the yard and put the two roosters in with the bantam hens, then think better of it and remove MeToo and make him a house rooster. He wears a chicken diaper well enough and he never crows anyway, and Eggy bullies the crap out of him so it’s best he doesn’t stay in an enclosed environment with him.

Then my youngest daughter comes home from school with a story. Apparently there are wild chickens in the woods near our house. What?

I should explain this. We live in a city, but we live close enough to the outskirts and to various parks that there are small patches of nature all over the place. The “woods” is about a block long and four trees deep, hardly what I’d consider woods, but it’s a good place to dump possums when you find them hiding in your laundry room. (Yes. Possums in our laundry room. Lots of them.) So my son and I go back there, and sure as day, yes, there are chickens back there. All of the chickens that got confiscated from that yard, plus additional chickens who have been disappearing from people’s flocks all year. Either somebody has been stealing chickens and then keeping them in a mega-flock in the woods… or the chickens have been escaping, and gathering together.

We leave the chickens where they are; I’m no narc, to rat out chickens who maybe just want to be free. But my son and I do put up wire fencing to keep our chickens from joining them, because one off-leash dog and those chickens could be in a world of hurt. We do notify the other chicken owners in the neighborhood about the woods chickens, and over the next few days, several of the chickens disappear from the woods as they’re retrieved by their owners.

Meanwhile, my wife has continued her vendetta against the crazy lady. She has my son go over in the middle of the night and throw trash into the yard, which she stole from trash cans in the park so there’s nothing that can be tied back to us, and then calls 311 in the morning to report that the woman’s yard is full of trash. She inspects our car every day to make sure no one has slashed the tires, but she uses a ballpeen hammer to break the crazy lady’s headlight because that will get her a ticket. I tell her to let it go. She buys a bale of hay and throws it in the woman’s yard. And she’s still sending moldy videotapes.

A For Sale sign pops up on the woman’s house. We’re currently extending the tunnel network over there so we can sneak in and leave tripe in the air conditioning system and dead rats. It’s not next door to our house, so there’s a very good chance that my wife actually could buy it, this time.

Never found out why she had a grudge against us, but she’s moving out, so who cares.

[tonystarkbingo]

TSB Mark IV Week 2 Roundup!

This includes the Round Robin fic that several participants wrote as part of our Discord Party, as well as a whole bunch of other amazing works.  Go leave them some love!

Title: Adventures of Tiny Dragon Tony and His Treasure (Loki) - Chapter 41: Snapshot #41: The First of Many Meetings Collaborator: tinydragontony Card Number: 4005 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: T5 - more than a partner Ship: FrostIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: Fluff, first meetings, 5+1 Summary: Here it is, the most requested chapter to date! How Loki met tiny dragon Tony! Word Count: 3300

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Title: Snowed In Collaborator: eachpeachpearplum Card Number: 4003 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: S2 - snowed in Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: snowglobe, possible imprisonment?, art Summary: Tony was just minding his own business, taking a quick zip around the city, just because he can. Next thing he knows, he’s in a glass ball sat on some evildoer’s shelf. To make things worse, he’s not the only one…

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Title: Man on the Run Collaborator: ceealaina Card Number: 4008 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: R1 - Old Team Ship: Background Pepper/Nat, Background IronHusbands Rating: Teen Major Tags: Fluff and Humour, Team as Family, Post-Endgame, Fix-It Summary: Saving the world is important. But Tony really, really just wants to retire and spend time with his family. And if faking his death is the only way to do that, that's how it goes sometimes. Word Count: 1115

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Title: Inktober - Day 19 Collaborator: monobuu Card Number: 4040 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: S3 - AU: Star Wars Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: Scandalous amount of leg Summary: Uuuuuh. Yeah. (*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)

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Title: Scrunch Me Collaborator: martianwahtney Card Number: 4011 Link: AO3 Square Filled: A2 - Victorious Ship: WinterIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: fluff Summary: 3 times Tony asks Bucky why he wears scrunchies, and 1 time he figured it out for himself Word Count: 995

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Title: The Best Bathtub Collaborator: camichats Card Number: 4049 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: K4 - Kink: Bath/Shower Sex Ship: Tony/Sharon Rating: Mature Major Tags: Minor sexual content, allusions to sugar daddy/baby relationship (though not actually present in the fic) Summary: Sharon is a tough Shield agent and she’s proud of that, but sometimes it’s nice to relax and feel pampered. Word Count: 1649

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Title: Baffled, bewildered and bemused. Collaborator: JehBeeEh Card Number: 4058 Link: AO3 Square Filled: K1 - Learning to be Loved Ship: Stony Rating: Mature Major Tags: Super Fluffy, Implied Sex Summary: Baffled. Bewildered? Perplexed. Tony couldn’t quite figure out which version fit this situation best, but they all seemed to apply. Perplexed seemed a bit much though. Puzzled? Bemused. Word Count: 3197

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Title: wound with your eyes (kill with a smile) - Chapter 3 Collaborator: deathsweetqueen Card Number: 4066 Link: AO3 Square Filled: A5 - Restrained Ship: WinterIron Rating: Mature Major Tags: graphic depictions of violence, Spy Kids AU, Secret Identities, Kidnapping, Indian Tony Stark Summary: Tony Stark and Bucky Barnes were once the renowned superheroes, Iron Man and the Winter Soldier. Eventually, they put aside the masks and the armour to get married and raise a family together. Twelve years later, SHIELD agents go missing, and Tony and Bucky decide to go on their first mission since their eldest child was born. When they're mysteriously kidnapped by a psychotic TV show host, it's hardly a great first step to getting back in the game. The worst thing, though, might be the fact that the only people who can rescue them are their own children. Word Count: 12,872

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Title: with or without his unhallowed touch - Chapter 24 Collaborator: deathsweetqueen Card Number: 4066 Link: AO3 Square Filled: K1 - myths and legends Ship: Tony/Thanos, Stuckony Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Tony is Kidnapped by Thanos, Tony is the Soul Stone, Female Tony Stark, Obsessive Behavior, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Emotional Manipulation, Stockholm Syndrome, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Physical Abuse, Domestic Violence, Forced Relationship, Gaslighting, Rape/Non-con Elements, Warnings for this Chapter: Explicit Violence, Major Character Death, and Cannibalism Summary: Toni sees the Chitauri mothership high above her, sees the hundreds and thousands of warships that circle the Earth, and she knows, she knows. She thinks, oh, I understand. A beat. Her hand burns. Wow, we are so fucked. She lets the bomb slide out of her hands, watches as it floats towards the mothership, and fire rains down on her, even in the dark, pale, cold hollow of space. She laughs, breathlessly, thinks of all the ones who’d loved her the most, and dies. Word Count: 129,402

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Title: What We Do in the Tower Collaborator: newnewyorker93, rebelmeg Card Number: 4042, 4034  Link: AO3 Square Filled: S2 - Forcibly Adopted (4042) A5 - WTF (4034) Ship: Peter & Tony, Pepperony Rating: Gen Major Tags: Vampire AU, Avengers family, crack and humor, unapologetic cherry-picking of vampire lore Summary: Peter Parker has been having an awkward time as a brand new vampire. But now he's got Tony Stark whisking him off to meet a whole group of weird and hilarious vampires that live in Stark Tower and maybe this won't be so bad after all? Word Count: 5185

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Title: Prince Tony and the Red Headed Princess Collaborator: PoliZ Card Number: 4007 Link: AO3 Square Filled: K2 - AU: Fairy Tale Ship: Pepperony Rating: Gen Major Tags: fairytale elements, domestic fluff Summary: Morgan asks her daddy for a bedtime story with knights and monsters, and wizards and princesses.  With some help from Pepper, Tony is happy to oblige. Word Count: 866

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Title: A Bottle and a Half of Whiskey Later - An 1872 Playlist Collaborator: moosh Card Number: 4037 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: S5 - Canon: 1872 Ship: None Rating: Gen Major Tags: Playlist Summary: A playlist based off some of the songs that Tony sang in the comic. Word Count: N/A

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Title: The Gift of Jab Collaborator: dracusfyre Card Number: 4032 Link: AO3 Square Filled: A2 - Dares/Bets Ship: WinterIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: Pre-Relationship, Sparring Summary: For the ImagineTonyandBucky prompt: Hi! I'm always up for some sparring hotness, so how about Tony being present for physical training sessions (working/watching), but says no everytime Nat/Clint/Steve/etc invites him to do it. Rhodey laughing every time the team says that it's bc Tony doesn't want to embarass himself. Bucky suspects his BF is actually well-versed in hand-to-hand/martial arts/self-defense; so he gives himself the challenge of getting Tony onto the mat. When he does he ends up a)on the floor & b)really aroused. The fill is less horny than the prompt, sorry. Word Count: 2453

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Title: Lady in Red Collaborator: JehBeeEh Card Number:  4058 Link: AO3 Square Filled: A5 - Steve Rogers/Captain America Ship: Stony Rating: Mature Major Tags: Summary: “I GOT SCARED, ALRIGHT?”“Steve, sweetheart-"Steve kept pacing their room like he hadn’t even heard her. “I got so scared, you have no idea. And I know, okay. I know you can take care of yourself, and you don’t need me to save you or protect you, and it is sexy as all hell, but in that moment, I forgot all about that, and I was scared that I couldn’t protect you.” He collapsed on the bed, elbows on his knees and his head in his hands and Toni could hear him take long slow breaths.This had definitely not been how Toni envisioned their return home going. Word Count: 1176

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Title: i come as a woman, dark and open Collaborator: simi Card Number: 4066 Link: AO3 Square Filled: A5 - Resolve Ship: Toni/Steve/Bucky Rating: E Major Tags: Female Tony Stark, Regency AU, Misogyny, Racism, Explicit Sexual Content, Emotional Infidelity, Slurs, Marital Dissatisfaction. Summary: When Toni first meets Captain Steve Rogers at one of the biggest gatherings of the season, she is not impressed. On the other hand, his best friend, the charming James ‘Bucky’ Barnes, was an utter delight. Unfortunately for her, after a series of misunderstandings at said party, she is forced to accept Steve’s hand in marriage in order to save her family’s reputation. And while Toni never expected a fairy tale, she had always hoped that companionship would one day turn into something more. How was she to know that Steve was just as charmed by Bucky as she was? a.k.a. Steve and Toni get married to each other; there are more misunderstandings; Bucky is an absolute delight and possibly the saving grace for their marriage; and somehow, all three end up falling in love with each other in the process. Word Count: 25, 335

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Title: TSB October Discord Party Round Robin Fic Collaborators: rebelmeg 4034 Politzania 4007 EachPeachPearPlum 4003 summerpipedream 4045 Ducky 4013 Magica 4019 SomeSortofItalianRoast 4036 DarthBloodOrange 4010 Link: AO3 Square Filled: rebelmeg: A4 - Huddling for Warmth Politzania: A5 - Dog Park EachPeachPearPlum: S1 - Premonitions summerpipedream: A5 - Clint Barton/Hawkeye Ducky: R5 - Fortune Telling Magica: T2 - Fortitude SomeSortofItalianRoast: S2 - Magic DarthBloodOrange: T4 - Robots Ship: None Rating: Teen Major Tags: animal transformation, magic/witchcraft, Kate is a hero, Clint is a disaster human being Summary: Tony has been turned into a dog, and he is going to straight-up murder whoever made him a corgi. Word Count: 2634

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Title: I Know You Collaborator: iam93percentstardust Card Number: 4012 Link: AO3 Square Filled: R5 - Sam Wilson/Falcon Ship: IronFalcon Rating: Gen Major Tags: Established Relationship, Domestic Fluff, Sickfic Summary: When Tony gets sick and hides away from everyone else, it's up to Sam to find his wayward boyfriend. Good thing he knows him so well. Word Count: 1316

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Title: Thriller - Michael Jackson Collaborator: monobuu Card Number: 4040  Link: AO3 Square Filled: A5 - Murderchildren Ship: None Rating: Teen Major Tags: Creepy?  Summary: N/A Word Count: N/A

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Title: I’ll keep your brittle heart warm Collaborator: peachy Card Number: 4017  Link: AO3 Square Filled: K3 - Protectiveness Ship: Stony Rating: Teen Major Tags: Breaking up and making up, fluff, getting back together Summary: They got married when they were young, just twenty-four years old, despite the arguments from their friends that they should wait, that neither of them were ready for a commitment like marriage so young. Steve distinctly remembered Sam pointing out that the male brain isn’t even fully developed until age twenty-five. But they were young and passionate, so sure they’d found their perfect person that they could overcome anything and everything life threw at them. And it was true. For six months. Word Count: 4223