#for the record I have a diagnosed chronic illness

[thorntopieces]

I think I need to find a GP

[tbaluver]

Hello! I’ve recently gotten into love and deepspace. I love your writing and I was hoping to request some Sylus fluff or a headcannon of all the boys! Whichever you prefer. I’d love to see them comforting or caring for a chronically ill reader. I got diagnosed with POTS recently and doing even basic task has become a struggle. If that’s something you’d like to write, I think it’d be really cute. Thank you!!

Taking Care Of Their Chronically Ill S/O- The Love And DeepSpace Men

parings in order: Xavier x Reader, Zayne x Reader, Rafayel x Reader, Sylus x Reader genre: fluff / comfort a/n: hihi punny ! i hope you're enjoying the game !! and i'm really sorry to hear you're going through this and it's remember to know you're not alone in this. i hope you're able to get the support and care you need to make things easier. if you ever need someone to talk to or get your mind off anything, i'm here for you! ദ്ദി(ᵔᗜᵔ) i hope you this was alright and i hope you enjoy this and if i have the time ill try to write a sylus fluff !! ٩(^ᗜ^ )و ´-

⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆

Xavier:

You would have to tell him what exactly you're going through to know what is going on. He'll research and look up everything on what you're going through until he's sure he knows what he has to do. He'll do his best to learn the necessary terminologies for whatever you're going through.

Obviously he would want to help. He'll reassure you that he is fine with helping you even if it were the smallest tasks like grabbing something for you or helping you write down something. He would never find anything you asked for to be a burden as long as it helps you take the weight off your shoulders.

He'll pick up anything on the floor and ensure that the house is generally safer for you. He would also try to find yummy foods that you can eat in your condition. He would also try them out with you so you don't feel alone.

I think he would also be good at making you feel validated and understood on the days when any pressure seems to build up.

He would try to stay up with you if you had a rough and sleepless night and make sure you can relax as much as possible first. He'll read you anything or watch movies with you or do whatever you want to get your mind off any discomfort.

Zayne:

He's always reading up on your symptoms and possible treatments for you. He would also have your routines memorized and know when to take your meds or ointments. If he wasn't able to stay home with you, he would text or call on his break to make sure you're okay and if you've taken what you need.

He never makes you feel like it's your fault or your a burden whenever you apologize to do something for you. He is more than happy to help and assures you there is nothing to apologize for. He is happy to be there and with you in any way he can be.

He'll also have a mini notebook or he'll have his notes app that tracks everything that happened to you. Things like foods you can't eat or updates from your checkups. Anything he can record just in case he needs to bring it up to the doctor.

Anything that's on your mind, he'll listen quietly to you rants and he'll talk you out of a bad state of mind.

He's familiar with medication due to his patients and his studies. If it's something he'll be unfamiliar with then he'll look up the side effects and makes sure that you at least have something in your stomach before you take it. It's important for him that you tell him what you're feeling. If you find the aftertaste of your medication unpleasant, he'll offer you a sweet treat after, as long as it's something that won't negatively impact your health.

Rafayel:

You'll have to explain what you're going through and as soon as he understands what you're going through, he will make it his priority to cheer you up and take care of you as much as he can.

He will always try to be there for you on your doctors appointments or any major procedures. You don't even need to ask him, he'll already be on his way there. He'll be there for you for support. He would also want to make sure you're being properly cared for.

When you're resting at home, he'll cling to you. He'll happily tell you any stories or talk about anything to you when you lack the energy to talk.

If you're slower than usual, he'll approach you directly to keep you company. If you stay in bed longer when you wake up, he'll ask if you need anything but he'll always bring you food in bed so you have energy. He'll try his best to help you. He'll bring you your favorite sweets, water, blankets, anything you want or need to get through these difficult times.

He'll always remind you how attractive you are, even if you don't feel it. Especially on days where you'll have post or pre-flare up or just a bad day in general where you don't feel like you don't look good. He'll always remind you how beautiful and how loved you are.

If you ever need space, he'll sit by the opposite wall so he's not far from you if you needed anything. If you need him to distract you, he'll chat about anything to you. If you need help with new exercises, he'll practice them with you or show you videos of what he saw online and try them with you.

Sylus:

He'll stand by you through every challenge. Whatever you're facing, he'll be there to support you.

He remains very understanding about what you're going though. He'll never make you feel guilty for being too painful or uncomfortable to do an activity or an outing with him. He'll put those aside and try his best to comfort you. Whatever is troubling you, he'll be there to listen and support you, always ready to care for you.

He is extremely attentive to signals of pain or any discomfort that you may make. He can use his evol to carry you but he's always willing to just carry you himself whenever you're feeling fatigue more than usual. He'll pick you up and bring you to any room you would like to be at. No matter where you would like to stay, he'll make the room comfortable for you. If you want to stay in bed, he'll smooth out the sheets and pat the mattress to make sure there are no crumbs in it and the pillows would be fluffed to your liking.

He'll also cook or bring your favorite meals to you so you can eat comfortably. He'll even run the perfect temperature when you want a bath or a shower and he'll add any herbs or salts to soothe any aches in your body. If your comfortable with it, he'll shower you himself. He doesn't want you too use too much energy and wants you to relax as much as you can.

Will hire the best doctors for you and he'll call the doctors regularly to monitor the progress of your treatments because your health is very important to him. He will sit by your side through every trip to the doctor. He'll be by your side on the bathroom floor or any bad nights.

If there is a time that he cannot be by your side, he'll either have one of the twins or both to watch over you. He'll literally give them specific and direct instructions on what you will need. As long as you feel the weight off your shoulders. Just in case, he'll have Mephisto to watch over you and if anything were to go wrong he'll be home as soon as he can.

During sleepless nights, he'll be right by your side, holding your hand as you both lie in bed. He'll gently kiss your forehead, temple, and hand, offering comfort and reassurance that he's always here for you.

[lkblackham]

'Sup.

It's

🫥 WIP Wednesday ✨

Varric was sitting in that hard-ass chair in total darkness for *hours*. Totally worth it.

This page, btw, is actually from that webtoon/insightful anti-capitalist article I keep mentioning but have not published. Yet. I have a LOT of fan service I still need to refine.

I will say I am *particularly* excited about this panel, though:

*conspiratorial smoulder*

But that's for tomorrow. Here, today, I have like a bajillion things I've been working on that I want to share.

Should I space these out in different posts and not dump them all in one go because they just overwhelm readers and this is not how you do a WIP post?

Sure, I could do that.

.....

Anyway, here's Bel and (?) Emmrich in this sappy comic that's been on the back burner for a while but I really wanna finish:

.... what? That's just how his skull helmet looks. I KNOW HOW TO DRAW SKULLS. I just need like twelve reference images and an Ativan.

This is going to be really cute, though, if I do say so myself. Drawing these lil Volkarin Family Headcanon comics has actually been really, genuinely therapeutic for me. With every chubby baby face and proud papa Emmrich I draw, I regain one brain cell.

And then I promptly lose that brain cell with *this* nonsense:

The story here is that, in my DA:TV headcanon, the team do little sparring matches in the courtyard at the Lighthouse. Emmrich asks to spar Atash (my Qunari Mage Rook) and things get... weirdly steamy.

Whether or not I ever finish this depends on how many cute baby comics I draw to balance out the shameless soft-core smut. And also my thesis, I guess. I keep forgetting about that thing. I wonder how it's doing.

Speaking of how one is doing, I'm going to end this with a really EXCITING announcement:

THAT'S RIGHT, I was diagnosed this past week! FINALLY, at the age of 32 and barely able to leave the house, doctors gave a darn and sent me off for tests for which I have been BEGGING throughout the last decade.

I am not joking, though, this is actually an IMMENSE relief and cause for celebration. I've known I have some kind of weird horrible gut thing going on since I started getting really sick all the time at the age of 20. Since then, doctors have put me off by:

Suggesting I "eat healthier"

Suggesting it might just be period cramps

Suggesting it might just be mild allergies

Suggesting it might just be anxiety

Suggesting it might just be hormones

Suggesting that I was too fat to have celiac disease when I brought it up (I gained a LOT of weight during the 2020 lockdown in the UK)

Suggesting that I'm just old (at age 30) and this is 'normal for that age'.

You might notice that ALL of these were suggestions and not, you know, actual declarative diagnoses or even an attempt to reach one. I've had good doctors, don't get me wrong, but holy crap it really sucks to be a woman in any healthcare system.

I consider this part of my WIP Wednesday because this diagnosis was the result of a years-long effort to figure out what was really wrong with me and dammit it deserves recognition SOMEWHERE (besides my medical records).

To anyone struggling with a mystery chronic illness: I love you so much. You have my deepest, sincerest empathy. I know it doesn't help, but it can't hurt to know there's one stranger on the internet rooting for you.

Thanks for taking the time to read. I really appreciate it. Kisses, *mwah*.

[0th3rw0rldl1n3ss]

Gonna be vulnerable on main for a second. I just got diagnosed with arthritis in both of my hips. I’m reminded of how lonely being chronically ill has been. How angry I am at my body, how angry I am at medical providers for failing me repeatedly, how angry I am at many of the people around me for failing to try to understand what I deal with and failing to try to consider my needs. So far, almost no one has had anything to say to me that has made me feel supported in this time. As a chronically ill person, I’m so tired of feeling alone, of feeling so little support or care from others when it comes to my disabilities, because people would rather let you suffer alone in silence than do the work of approaching an uncomfortable topic and risking potentially saying something that comes off as politically incorrect or whatever.

It’s already so so isolating dealing with health problems that are relatively uncommon for your age group, then on top of that, it’s double isolating how little people seem to care about what you’re going through. I don’t want to be pitied, I don’t want to be the center of attention due to my disabilities, I don’t want to be coddled. But, god, I just wish I felt seen and heard and cared for. I wish it felt like anybody gave a shit what I went through and what I’m still going through. I wish I felt the sentiment, from anyone in my life, “I may not completely understand what you’re going through, but I’m here with you and I know your pain was and is real and I’m sorry that you have to deal with this bullshit, it’s not fair and you don’t deserve it”. That, right there, is really all I want right now from anybody. And yet, it seems like even that is too much to ask somehow. I sound like a broken record I know but I’m just so sick of suffering not only from the physical and emotional pain inherent to chronic illness, but also the pain of isolation.

[intersexbunny]

Pinned Post

× Not a person ×

he/it pronouns, no they

adult over 20

intersex

More info!

☾𖤓 Hi I'm Corvid! I'm intersex & this is my blog to talk about that

☼ I'm a physically disabled wheelchair user as well as mad and neurodivergent. the two big players in my brain are bipolar 1 and autism + mild cognitive impairment. these affect literally every corner of my life including how I think, speak, and understand.

☼ I am diagnosed with DID but I don't really identify as a system.

☾𖤓 I have a hormone, gonad, and genital variation. I don't have a specific label for it, just a collection of traits. they keep discovering more on accident through the various tests I get for my chronic illness.

☼ I have ambiguous genitalia. I am likely a survivor of IGM but have no access to my medical records to confirm this. I have several other intersex traits but you do not need my medical information to believe I am intersex 🖕

☼ my intersex variation is not a disorder! I do not have a "DSD" (disorder of sexual development) I do not have a "condition," I have a variation.

☾𖤓 I am a CisTrans nonbinary man. I am specifically intergender. my attraction is unlabelled but queer. I created the purple CisTrans flag!

☼ I am a therian and otherkin. my primary theriotypes are both crows and gray foxes. I'm also a roadrunner. I prefer to be referred to as any of the prior instead of "human"

☼ my CAGAB is none of your business and tells you nothing about me.

there is no DNI here but if you must know:

I am largely uninvolved in discourse but I will never exclude someone from my blog because of their system origin or "contradictory" label

PCOS is intersex. just because it's common doesn't make it not an intersex variation. intersex people are not rare nor do we need to be

I am against trans-intersex. you cannot transition to be intersex

I am against radqueers (which is a different thing from radical inclusionists)

I am an antifascist insurrectionary anarchocommunist. I stand with Palestine. I support land back. I am anti-cop.

minors can follow and interact but block "#minors dont look"

[avpdvoidspace]

Since you've mentioned a couple of times having comorbid OCPD, would you mind explaining more about the effect that disorder has on you? Out of every PD, it's the one I never find people talking about. Due to that, and the diagnostic criteria itself being (as ever) exasperatingly superficial and vague, It's hard to know where to even look for information about it..!

Sure. I agree that it's very difficult to find information about ocpd online. I guess I could categorize my experience with ocpd into three categories: things that are absolutely recognized symptoms of ocpd, things that overlap with other obsessive compulsive spectrum disorders (like things more traditionally thought of as OCD symptoms), and things that I have to assume come from ocpd because they seem to but I don't know if they're universal because I don't see other people talking about having ocpd. So in terms of things that are definitely ocpd experiences: I really don't feel safe or comfortable in situations I don't have at least some control over. I need to control my space, my food, who is around me, etc to feel safe. This also applies to my time and schedule. I get very agitated when it's interrupted, even if I don't show it. I tend to plan my day's activities pretty rigidly and it stresses me out when I'm not able to follow through. I also have very rigid ways I like to do things, and it stresses me out if I have to do something with someone else's method or if someone in my apartment does something differently to how I would do it, especially things like eating without washing hands first, not taking shoes off before coming in, etc. I try to keep this kind of thing in check because I don't want to be controlling or obnoxious, but it causes me a lot of stress internally. This has been very difficult when I've had a job and I'm being told to do things a particular way but it's not MY way. It's also difficult when I'm intentionally trying to push myself to try a different method for, say, drawing something. Even though I'm making the choice, I'm breaking my method and it feels extremely Wrong. The next category is overlap with other obsessive compulsive spectrum disorders. I definitely get intrusive thoughts and the anxiety inducing spiral of 'something bad will happen if I don't have the tv volume set to an odd number' and 'I feel compelled to make sure my foot touches to the floor in a very certain way right now for Reasons'. I also have health anxiety that gets worse if I try to engage in reassurance seeking behavior (but this only started after I got diagnosed with a chronic illness, so it could be a combination of ocpd and trauma). But you can apply the mechanics of health anxiety to other things that pop into my head to frighten me with no basis in reality that start the reassurance seeking/me becoming more convinced the terrible thing is true cycle. Then the third category, which is random things I think are ocpd but who knows because there aren't a lot of other people out there talking about their personal experiences with it: I like recording things. Every day, I write the weather conditions down in a notebook. I also have very rigid records of my drawing time and draw with a stopwatch going to make sure I'm keeping track and write everything in a notepad++ file like so

I get extremely stressed out if anything gets in the way of this process! You could say my life kind of revolves around this actually. I've actually drawn at least an hour a day for about a decade (knock on wood...), and I track it every day. In general, I have a lot of fun creating methods and systems to follow rigidly. It's like a game even. Maybe why I like playing games with a lot of organization/time management... Love giving myself a list of tasks and completing them. Speaking of games, I love Pokemon Legends Arceus because it is essentially a checklist simulator. Also, I experience something similar to special interests but maybe not exactly the same. I wouldn't say hyperfixations either because they're not fleeting. They're very enduring. I wish I could explain more about how they're unique from either special interests (in the autistic meaning of the phrase) and hyperfixations (like with ADHD), but it's kind of hard to explain without feeling like I'm explaining it poorly. And last, something that could go in either this category or the second because it's something I've heard people diagnosed with OCD talk about experiencing is I have a weird thing with my memory where my visual/auditory memory are weirdly strongly connected. So if I'm listening to something while drawing, if I listen to it again, I can 'see' what I was drawing at the time. If I look at the drawing, I'll remember the part of the audiobook or whatever I was listening to. It's to the point that if I was listening to an audiobook while playing a certain video game, hearing the audiobook again will make me crave playing the video game really intensely! It's like I can see exactly where I was in the game as if I was playing it right now. Anyway, I hope that was helpful. I tried to include everything I could think of. My life is very rigid, but I guess if there's one more thing I could say about that, it's that the rigidity excites me and feels like it lights up my brain with feel-good chemicals. I think having ocpd is like a combination of extreme anxiety and the ability to create fun engaging activities all by myself and with very few resources.

[transmutationisms]

Hi! I know this is potentially not really in your wheelhouse, but do you have any thoughts on the idea that ME/CFS, POTS, EDS, ADHD, autism, PMDD and MCAS tend to cluster? It's always felt possibly kind of spurious and psychiatry-pilled to me, and also like something that might have interesting clinical/cultural precedents, but I haven't been able to find much about it.

i don't think it's surprising at all that chronic illnesses 'cluster'---they're often poorly understood, diagnosed by exclusion, and characterised by overlapping symptoms. like there are probably some shared mechanisms going on that cause many of these conditions, or underlying causes in common. as it stands many chronic illnesses are basically descriptions of symptom clusters, meaning that what causes them or creates the dysfunction is unknown thus far, so it really shouldn't be surprising to see people whose symptoms suggest multiple of these diagnoses.

wjere like autism and ADHD are concerned i do think the connection is much more spurious. offhand i would posit that, rather than evidence of some kind of biological susceptibility of certain 'neurotypes', we might be seeing the physical toll of chronic stress for people dx'd with socially alienating disorders; people who are chronically ill being more likely to pick up psych diagnoses as a kind of collateral result of constant contact with the medical system; the alienation and stress of being chronically ill resulting in various kinds of social and functional difficulties that are dx'd as psych disorders; or the effects of, say, sleep disturbances related to chronic illness causing difficulties dx'd as psychological disorders, or vice versa. that's speculative on my part though.

also you do have to keep in mind where the data come from that show relationships between various diagnoses. as in like, what country with what degree of common access to healthcare and withwhat sorts of billing practices that interact in what way with diagnostic codes. like a diagnosis is often as much about creating an official record of some accommodation need (drugs, welfare eligibility, mobility aids, etc) as it is about any kind of transcendent medical truth. again, we're talking about conditions that are often under-studied and poorly understood and sometimes treated as a kind of dumping ground for 'mysterious' or 'difficult' patient presentations. so, observations of this nature should really be interpreted in general as indicating at least as much about how a given medical system functions as about how the human physiology works.

[my-castles-crumbling]

I was recently diagnosed with a chronic illness, which makes school extremely difficult and challenging. I'm not really sure what accommodations I can ask for (ik every school is different, especially in different countries, but any general accommodations ideas would be really helpful)

Hi!

I'm so sorry about your illness <3 I hope there's some sort of treatment to make it manageable

I think accommodations, laws, etc can vary greatly depending on age, school, and country (like you said) but a few that might be helpful are:

Designated note taker/provided notes or study guides/recorded class sessions

Flexible attendance requirement (like if a class normally punishes missed classes, that can be waived)

Extended exam time/ alternative testing environment (not testing with the rest of the class, testing at home, having extra time to test)

Alternative or minimized assignments, as long as mastery is shown (for example, if the teacher normally assigns 50 math problems, they only give you 20, as long as you get them correct)

Use of technology for assignments when it helps with any fatigue or mobility issues (like if it is more comfortable to type versus write assignments, or have an e-book versus carrying a textbook, or have a speech-to-text software if writing is painful)

Flexible seating and adjustment to environment (seating near the door if you often have to leave, a different type of seat if you have mobility devices that are difficult to access when sitting at a traditional desk, access to an elevator, use of non-LED lights)

Blanket permission to leave the classroom to go to the bathroom, nurse, guidance, etc without raising your hand/requesting a pass

Permission to have a cell phone out and accessible to converse with a medical professional, access medical monitoring devices, etc

Depending on your illness some of these may be wildly unhelpful but these are the most common ones I see! In most schools, you would just need to have a meeting with the school (and a parent/gaurdian) if you are underage) and bring a doctor's note to get these accommodations. In public schools in the US, you would be given what is called a '504' which is a plan legally requiring teachers to give you these accommodations.

I hope this helps!

[bewaretheidiotsofmarch]

Discounted Pride charm/sticker design "ychs" (your character here) to help our struggling household. DM ME OR COMMENT FOR PURCHASE. (If you don't want art, we also have a gofundme that I will link below)

I am chronically ill and disabled, my partner (also chronically ill but able to work currently) was let go from their job unexpectedly, with no warning and no help of any kind, due to the company downsizing or dissolving. Theirs is the only income we survive on, as I fight for SSI for myself. I was recently denied due to my age and the fact they "hadn't received records" from my neurologist (AKA they didn't contact my doctor AT ALL). I am in the midst of an appeal, and will be seeking legal help if I am denied again.

However, at this moment in time, all I can do to help is be here and try my best with commissions. I am slow at art, as I have Narcolepsy which causes significant fatigue, brain fog, uncontrollable sleep attacks when stressed at all, and mental weakness where I have no energy to focus on even something simple, like talking to someone. That is on top of everything else I have going on mentally and physically but I'm not here to list my diagnoses. All of this to say- there isn't much I can hope to do other than this.

Our service dog Gideon has suddenly had a flare up of Hotspots (a Golden Retriever hallmark skin issue, sadly) and while usually he recovers well treated at home, however, he has developed a complication in his ear from shaking his head to alleviate the extra itching caused by this years unpredictable weather and humidity. We see a vet on Monday, but we have almost nothing to cover it. Other bills are coming due. It is summer and we rely on small ac units which eat power up heavy. Everything is very difficult right now. ANY help is so much more appreciated than any of us can even say. Please share, comment or like if you can.

[mooruri]

I’ve been forced to be “fine” for so long that now whenever im in pain, it feels like im making things up.

Im just so angry but I don’t know how to even express that because im not one to express rage… but being chronically ill and how it feels like my body is always betraying me is the closest thing to female rage that I can get.

‧₊˚𖦹 ࣪.𓋼𓍊𖤣𖥧‪𖡼‬𖥧𖤣𓍊𓋼. ࣪𖦹˚₊‧

‧₊˚𖦹 ࣪.𓋼𓍊𖤣𖥧‪𖡼‬𖥧𖤣𓍊𓋼. ࣪𖦹˚₊‧

venting about chronic pain/illness ahead

I remember my ex saying that normal people don’t feel pain every single day of their lives. They’re not in a constant state of agony. For as long as I can remember. I’ve been in pain. Body aches, migraines, stomach issues. I wasn’t diagnosed with fibromyalgia until very later on, like Highschool for me. And even afterwards, i was simply dropped medically. No one paid attention to me, no one helped me. So things became harder in school, because I couldn’t get accommodations without any kind of medical documentation.

My mother tells me I need a doctor. Even more so now that im across the country for college. But im genuinely just stuck. I have only my schools insurance but I don’t know where to start, especially since every other doctors I’ve seen about Fibromyalgia has been like “that’s not a real diagnosis”.

It has made me feel like a complete imposter. If nothing is “wrong” with me, then what now? What do I do? For days, my back has been killing me and yesterday was the worse day. I was trying to make it back to my apartment and everything just became a blur. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t stand. I could just feel everything giving out on me. And this has been my life.

“You’re too young to have so much going on” mentality made my adolescence hell. Every single teacher who told me I don’t feel that bad or became irritated that I didn’t feel comfortable doing something, makes me angry.

Because instead of setting out in gym, I participated and ended up being in pain for days. I went on that senior trip and hiked up that large ass hill in the blazing heat and was in so much pain for days.

Now that I’m in college, Im terrified. I have no records, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have chronic migraines and fibromyalgia but no one takes it seriously. On top of that I have hella stomach/digestion issues?? I don’t think it’s normal to feel this much pain when eating. People don’t understand me when I say I genuinely feel better when I don’t eat and have nothing in my system… because once things go in, then comes the nauseous feeling, the cramping, the feeling of knowing exactly where each gas’s bubble is moving inside me.

My wrist ache, my back hurts, and on top of this, I start my second semester next week. Someone send help.

Doctors before always say “exercise more”… WHAT IN THE UTTER FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??? Like I just told you it hurts to exert so much energy. Guys please kill me :/

[lisamillern1fan]

i started writing an intro post but i went to switch my music and it disappeared lol..

anyway, intro post! i realized i never really made one so here it is. the long awaited (probably), extremely delayed, intro post! this is gonna be very barebones and probably really short. click more for full post cuz i dont want this taking up the space of four separate posts 💔

interests

my main interests are highlighted in pink! personal stuff at bottom of post.

this blog will mostly be for me to look back on when i inevitably forget about tumblr and find this account 10 years later while going into a 3am deep dive on myself, so why not document my current interests and such?

i really really love scott pilgrim. its been a year. it will not go away. i also love parappa the rapper, um jammer lammy, homestuck, and heavenly, the 90s twee pop band that made punk girl then kinda just dipped.

i heavily kin lisa miller from scott pilgrim. i am her NUMBER ONE fan, hence the blog name. i also kin many other characterss.. <:3 (rammy ujl, rose hs, knives sp, pj ptr)

i am also interested in audio, records, cds, and music as a whole. im heavily fixated on the band heavenly, tyler the creator, goreshit, the scott pilgrim soundtracks, marine research, talulah gosh, and mickey avalon. my favorite albums/eps/singles/whatevers are the decline and fall of heavenly, space manatee, tomboyish love for soda pop and apple sweets, my love feels all wrong, le jardin de heavenly, atta girl, yeezus, goblin, graduation, sounds from the gulf stream and igor.

i am also an artist! i have been drawing since ive first picked up a pencil. i am mostly self taught!

i also like astro bot, cookie run, pikmin, plumtree, and playstation consoles as a whole, specifically the 5 and 2. MY FAVORITE SHIP EVER IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD IS KIMLISA PLS MENTION ME ON KIMLISA POSTS I BEEGEGGGGG OF U

i also like reading!

my favorite books are scott pilgrim (1-6), lost at sea, seconds, dog man, cat kid comic club, dork diaries, captain underpants, and just general fanfiction 💔 boring ikr

anywho, this seems to be getting pretty long, so ill just get my personal stuff out of the way while i am at it.

**STRICTLY** fem pronouns please! i do not care if you use they, just please use she whenever possible! i go by ari, lisa, paula if your close, or pj, but you are free to call me whatever you please. i am also extremely unstable at times so i may spam post occasionally. please do not pay mind to it.

socials, fun facts and extras

i have diagnosed misophonia, and i most likely have adhd- although i have not been diagnosed. also, keep in mind when i talk to people i am very blunt, so please do not take my words to heart. i do not mean anything i say critically.

my asks and whatever are always open and i am a chronic yapper! feel free to ask for socials. my most used socials are listed below-

discord - juggaluggaloco.com

tiktok/every other social i have- lisamillern1fan

also, CANNOT stress this ENOUGH - i am a MINOR - do NOT try to be weird with me PLEASE. you will be BUHHLOCKEEDD.

anywho! you will probably find out more about me as i post. this post is also bound to lose accuracy as time goes on, but i might as well write something to get a general idea of me out there i suppose <:3

this is formatted kinda weirdly, apologies for that. i will eventually write another one of these when the time comes.

anywho, that is all! love u friends! take care.

[redlips-greensleeves]

The Psychology of Qi Rong (TW for cannibalism and mental health)

This is a review of Qi Rong's behaviour and symptoms in relation to this authors note. According to MXTX, if put into a modern day context, Qi Rong would be said to have bipolar disorder. In order to verify this statement, this post is dedicated to comparing actual symptoms of bipolar disorder and Qi Rong's behaviour from the novel in order to prove this statement true.

I would like to put out a disclaimer that I am not a licensed psychology practitioner, but a student who hasn't finished his degree yet. I am simply writing this because this authors note wouldn't leave my brain. Please don't expect total accuracy from this post, though I will try my best to ensure that there is no error on my part

I would also like everyone to note that the term bipolar itself, is used to describe a spectrum of disorders, and that simply regulating it to one term would be incorrect, and that treatment can vary depending on the disorder

Bipolar Disorder: History, Symptoms and Probable Causes

Bipolar disorder is characterized by chronically occurring episodes of mania or hypomania alternating with depression and is often misdiagnosed initially. Treatment involves pharmacotherapy and psychosocial interventions, but mood relapse and incomplete response occur, particularly with depression.

(I want everyone to make note that the first recorded case of Bipolar Disorder as an illness was by Pierre Farlet in the mid-19th Century (1851-1854), who called it “folie circulaire” (circular madness). It was defined by manic and melancholic episodes separated by symptom-free intervals.

In 1854 Baillarger used the term "folie à double forme" to describe cyclic (manic–melancholic) episodes (Pichot 1995; Ritti 1879).

There also seems to be a mention of bipolar disorder (Unsure of this, take with a bit of salt) in the book Eight Treatesies on the Nurturing of Life by Gao Lian (Different character from the Lian in Xie Lian); dating back to the Ming Dynasty (1591 {first publication()} [requires fact checking])

(Note: Records of treatment of mental disorders in Ancient China go all the way back to the Tang Dynasty. If you check wikipedia, there is the claim that it goes back to 1100 BCE, which I can't confirm [requires fact checking])

Criteria to be met before diagnosing someone with Bipolar I Disorder according to the DSM-5 are at least one manic episode. This may be preceded by and may be followed by hypomanic or major depressive episodes and the occurrence of the manic and major depressive episode(s) is not better explained by schizoaffective disorder, schizophreniform disorder, delusional disorder, or other specified or unspecified schizophrenia spectrum and other psychotic disorder

Manic episodes are characterised increased talkativeness, rapid speech, a decreased need for sleep, racing thoughts, distractibility, increase in goal-directed activity, and psychomotor agitation. Some other hallmarks of mania are an elevated or expansive mood, mood lability, impulsivity, irritability, and grandiosity (Can be remembered using the DIGFAST mnemonic)

Rapid cycling in bipolar disorder is defined as having at least 4 or more mood episodes in a 12-month period. These mood episodes may be manic, hypomanic, or depressive but must meet their full diagnostic and duration criteria. These episodes must be separated by periods of partial or full remission of at least 2 months or be separated by a switch to an episode of opposite polarities, such as mania or hypomania to major depressive episodes (Note: Switching from mania to hypomania or vice-versa would not qualify because they are not opposite polarity). Rapid cycling bipolar disorder patients have been found to be more resistant to pharmacotherapy.

Hypomania and mania can be distinguished by a certain feature- hypomania does not cause major deficits in social and occupational functioning. The duration of a manic episode is at least a week, while a hypomanic episode is about four days

Symptoms of a depressive episode include feeling very down/sad/anxious, slowed down or restless, trouble falling asleep, waking up too early, or sleeping too much, talking very slowly, feeling unable to find anything to say, or forgetting a lot, trouble concentrating or making decisions, unable to do even simple things, lack of interest in almost all activities, and feeling hopeless/worthless, or thinking about death or suicide

(Note: According to the DSM-5, major depressive and hypomanic episodes are common in bipolar I disorder but are not required for the diagnosis)

Bipolar II Disorder is defined by a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes. The hypomanic episodes are less severe than the manic episodes in bipolar I disorder

And finally, cyclothymic disorder/cyclothymia is defined by recurring hypomanic and depressive symptoms that are not intense enough or do not last long enough to qualify as hypomanic or depressive episodes

Like in the case of most mental disorders, there is no known cause for disorders on the bipolar spectrum, however the most widelt agreed upon risk factors are brain structure and functioning (some studies show that the brains of people with bipolar disorder differ in certain ways from the brains of people who do not have bipolar disorder or any other mental disorder), and genetics (some research suggests that people with certain genes are more likely to develop bipolar disorder. Research also shows that people who have a parent or sibling with bipolar disorder have an increased chance of having the disorder themselves).

In relation to genetics, many genes are involved, and no one gene causes the disorder (Which, if the authors note is true, we can assume that one of his parents carried the genes for it, most probably his father).

青鬼戚容

Qi Rong needs no introduction or abstract (Because I don't have to submit this to a prof hehehe) to start with. He is iconic, and rightfully so. In order to try and analyse Qi Rong's behaviour, let us take a glance at his introductory (In this case, first physical) appearance.

In his first (physical) appearance Qi Rong talks shit about others, which isn't really notable in regards to this topic. Its like my Mother after the guests leave and she's finished playing social politics. Its nothing interesting, just the typical criteria for the average aunty.

But you know what is interesting? His lair.

He has a throne, a banquet hall style dining set up. The only things he needs is the cauldron to cook (human) meat. I don't remember any of his subordinates needing to eat, and considering all of the salted carrion he has hanging around; not to mention the fresh meat stores he keeps (Three hundred humans...three hundred), he doesn’t eat a good chunk of the humans brought to him immediately. Its all unnecessarily grandiose for a single person, (We know that he doesn’t invite any dinner guests over. If he did, they'd be the main course)

If you notice Qi Rongs behaviour a majority of the time fits the criteria for a manic episode. Its also probably why his schemes seem to fail most of the time. Note that there has to be a remission period of two months in the case of rapid cycling (Which I belive occurs in Qi Rongs case), so MXTX is right, in a way. Qi Rong would be diagnosed with a disorder on the bipolar spectrum, more specifically Bipolar I Disorder

(One may also assume that he had cyclothymia during his days as a prince, but I believe that its just a showcase of certain symptoms of Bipolar I Disorder from a young age. He always had it, but it didnt manifest much more visibly until later on in his life)

Now Lets Talk About Kuru

Kuru is an infectious, acquired, non-immunogenic, fatal neurodegenerative prion disease. It progresses rapidly with cerebellar and extrapyramidal signs and symptoms, with death occurring within one to two years of onset of symptoms. What causes Kuru? Cannibalism, or more specifically the consumption of the brain tissue.

The diesease originated and was confined to the Fore Tribe in the Eastern Highlands of Papua New Guinea, where ritualistic cannibalism was practiced. Kuru is now extinct due to the outlawing of ritualistic cannibalism in the region.

(Note: There is a theory that cannibalism occurred due to famine, and that it was ratonalised by the Europeans who arrived their as a ritualistic practice. Colonisers have also used the excuse of cannibalism to colonise and kill indigenous populations)

What causes cannibalism? Usually, the two most predominantly ascribed motivations are hunger and hatred, and the occasional belief that eating human flesh is medicinal.

(This is a bit of a personal note from me, but from what I've heard, human flesh is not good for any living creatures health. In my hometown there are plenty of stories about animals going mad or dying after eating human flesh)

A point I want to make is that we do not know how Qi Rong died. Did he die from being eaten alive? Or did he pass from a neurodegenerative disease caused by consuming human flesh in order to survive? If its the latter, it could explain his behaviour.

Kuru is also known as the laughing disease, as patients exhibited sporadic uncontrollable laughter, due to being emotionally labile. Perhaps Qi Rong passed before the disease could reach the sedentary phase? Maybe he was killed before that. Symptoms of Kuru can take time to manifest completely, so I feel that this theory should not be discounted.

Reference(s)

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK559103/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3188776/

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK493168/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519712/table/ch3.t8/

https://web.archive.org/web/20070928103521/http://www.nmh.gov.tw/nmh_web/english_version/exhibition/exhibition_s0703.cfm

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2813703/

A note of gratitude for @toowolfdelusion for posting that authors note, otherwise this brainfart of mine would not exist

[crippleprophet]

the thing is, misdiagnosis is a personal conviction & a retroactive pronouncement & a permanent horrifying specter, none of which are ever gonna make weight against the holy text of the medical record. like, i meet the diagnostic criteria for lupus, i have positive bloodwork for lupus, i experience certain symptoms that my extensive research has only shown attributed to lupus, i am on a drug used for lupus which manages my symptoms better than anything else has. i don’t “have” lupus because a doctor decided i don’t. & even if they had, that could be revoked – rendered false, irrelevant, untreatable – at any moment, by me moving or a physician retiring or a bad day or anything at all.

& even if it weren’t so tenuous, to structure “physical” diagnoses as even a unilateral advantage is completely baffling to me – diagnosis does not mitigate the ableist violence we experience, it just specializes it. & of course the most egregious forms of these are post-hysteria diagnoses like conversion disorders & functional disorders & fibromyalgia & what have you, but any label can be a bad one when applied under a violent system, even one that’s accurate.

idk i just wish there was a broader movement for deconstruction of all diagnostic labels bc i feel like even most people who recognize psychiatric diagnoses as socially constructed still talk like there is a knowable physical reality of chronic illness that can & should be sorted into distinct boxes & that just. isn’t true & is also so dangerous + damaging. diagnosis does not guarantee beneficial treatment & treatment should not be predicated on diagnosis.

[concerningwolves]

I've been walking around with this hypermobility diagnosis my entire life, and no medical professional ever told me definitively what it means. My parents can't remember specifically when I was diagnosed or who by – I was a severely premature baby with a rare disorder and a slew of other health issues, and the hypermobility got lost somewhere in there with all the other medical noise. Mostly, I was left to see hypermobility as something that made me super bendy and was fun to pull out at parties when I made all my fingers bend weirdly.

Everything I have been told about hypermobility came to me piecemeal, usually by happenstance. A nurse who said that the hypermobility explained why it was always difficult to draw my blood. A GP who mentioned that hypermobility was likely why my ankle hadn't broken, but had instead subluxated and then been left to heal incorrectly because it'd been misdiagnosed as a sprain. A rheumatologist who I was only seeing because of a colossal fuckup, who explained that hypermobility makes you far more prone to bruising. Everything else, I had to find out under my own steam, trawling websites repeatedly over the years and watching as the body of information grew.

When I went to my paediatrician with joint pain, she told me it was growing pains on multiple occasions. I've been to physiotherapy three times and multiple OTs when I was younger and none of them noticed that my knees' resting position was hyperextended. (It took 22 years and the aforementioned colossal fuckup that landed me back at rheumatology instead of seeing the chronic pain specialist nurse for someone to tell me that that wasn't normal.) PE teachers and gymnastics instructors made me feel lazy and inadequate and work-shy instead of thinking hey, this child has told us he's hypermobile, maybe we should pay attention to that. For a little while I got to use a portable slanted desk in middle school which was meant to make writing easier for me in lessons (it didn't). In high school I got to use an AlphaSmart – not because anyone listened when I explained that writing caused me serious hand pain, but because I was writing too slowly to keep up in lessons (and I was still told repeatedly by teachers that they were surprised I needed the AlphaSmart because my handwriting was so neat, as if that had anything to do with anything). It wasn't until my GCSEs that I first got serious accommodations in exams.

Did all those doctors I saw about my pain just think I was, I don't know, too young to be sick? I was born sick. It was there in my records! They knew, and they either decided I was some other speciality's problem or they straight up did not care.

Children can be ill and disabled. More than that, they deserve to be given all the information they might need and be offered necessary accommodations. They should be listened to! Parents shouldn't have to fight and claw for something as simple as a crappy plastic slanted desk. If I could trawl my brain to extract everything I'm feeling right now and inject it into the minds of every doctor who failed me, I would.

[spencerrscardigans]

Doctors often tell patients, often chronically ill patients to stay off the social media that talks about their illnesses and to not look stuff up, and i can understand why this may be problematic but they also aren’t taking into consideration the positives and good things that can also occur from this.

POTS and other chronic illnesses are having a higher social media presence, and because of this it’s created quite a big stigma surrounding it, and people often think that these illnesses are just becoming a trend, but they don’t understand how helpful the representation is for so many people.

I do often see people in the comment section of these videos who will have one or two traits and immediately panic thinking they have these things and i can understand how that part isn’t great, but in some cases it actually is these posts online that help people get diagnoses and learn more about themselves.

I would not have been diagnosed with POTS and getting treatment if it weren’t for social media, and my doctors don’t know much about POTS so most of the tips and advice and treatment methods that i’ve found have been from social media, and i would not be where i am without it.

I struggled with dysautonomia for my entire life, and it had been established by my one doctor who actually knew about these conditions but he retired and the new doctors i was switched too don’t know much about my health conditions, so getting diagnoses and treatment has been a very slow process.

My dysautonomia is believed to have turned into POTS in early 2021 after i got covid, and for over a year i was struggling with debilitating symptoms and had no idea why. I was just trying to survive high school, and all the sudden i was getting sicker and sicker and it was causing quite the divide socially.

I had been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and because of it i had already been limited in my physical activity, so i was just told that my POTS symptoms were because i was out of shape.

I tried to push myself to fix this, which only ended up making me feel worse. Sometime along the road of me trying to get more active, i got a fitbit.

I started using my watch to monitor my steps and sleep, and i noticed that my heart rate would shoot up to the 150s-170s when i was simply standing still, so i sat down, and my heart rate immediately dropped to the low 100s.

I thought that this may be a glitch with my watch, but was still concerned as i was aware that my heart rate should not get that high from just standing still, so i started googling. As a result of my search, the name Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome came up. I did some reading, and noticed that a lot of the signs were pointing to me, especially with the already established dysautonomia.

I had already dealt with a lot of doctors telling me that i was just paranoid and a hypochondriac, and i knew that watches sometimes glitched or didn’t work correctly, so i went to my pharmacy and got a pulse ox, and did the same standing test and it did the exact same thing as my watch.

I took pictures of my heart rate and started recording it on the charts that my watch had, and brought it to my next doctors appointment, explained my symptoms and then mentioned that i had heard of the condition POTS, and that it seemed pretty similar to what i was going through. My doctor had my do a short standing test in the office, and i had a 70bpm increase in my heart rate.

My doctor agreed that it definitely looked like POTS and she said that i met the criteria for a diagnosis, but she said she didn’t know very much about the condition and had only briefly heard about it, so she referred me to a cardiologist in another city as that was the closest specialist to me, but they denied the referral and said that they weren’t taking patients with POTS, and they gave her a information sheet and gave her some tests to do to rule out anything else.

The tests came back, and again it all pointed to POTS, but my doctor was scarcely familiar with the condition, and wasn’t comfortable giving me an official diagnosis, so she gave me an informal diagnosis. When it came to treatments, she also wasn’t familiar with anything besides telling me to drink more water, exercise, and increase my sodium intake, and the only medication she was familiar to treat it with was propranolol, so she prescribed that, but it unfortunately didn’t help much, so i wasn’t left with much help or advice.

The things my doctor recommended weren’t enough, and because i didn’t have an official diagnosis or really any information at all from my doctors it was hard to get accommodations with school, and i wasn’t sure what else to do, so i did what doctors recommend against and went to google and social media.

It was then where i found so many people like me who i could finally relate to, and found so much information about my condition and tips and tricks to help manage it.

Because i finally knew more about how to manage my POTS, i started trying out more things and in the last year i have learnt more than i had in years of going to doctors, and i also finally had a community where i felt less alone.

I was able to advocate for myself, and two years later, this february i finally got in to see a cardiologist and now have a proper diagnosis, and he was able to provide some more insight and treatment options for me and i’m finally starting to notice some improvement and have a hopeful plan for the future.

In cases like these, social media representation of chronic illnesses is not always bad, and can in my opinion, actually save lives. If i had not had access to these communities and help, i genuinely can say that i would not be where i am at today, and i am forever grateful for the communities that have been created.

[aishangotome]

Main Story S2 Chapter 3-20: Noble Illness (崇高的疾病) | Light and Night 光與夜之戀

S2 Chapter 3-17

♡———♡

Nurse: Dr. Zha, these are the medical records of all the critically injured patients from the cruise ship.

Charlie: Leave them here. Thank you for your hard work.

It was 11:19 p.m. Charlie and I were sitting in his office.

A few minutes ago, he had opened the door and announced, "Dr. Zha is finished with surgery. At least for now, Y/N's fiancé is all yours."

He had said it with a smile, leaning against the doorframe in a playful pose.

But when he straightened up, his steps faltered, and he swayed slightly.

You: Are you alright?!

I rushed over to support him, and he leaned against my shoulder. He had changed his clothes, but I could still smell the strong scent of blood.

Charlie: Performed two surgeries simultaneously. New record.

Images from my power flashed before my eyes. Just watching them made me feel exhausted, but Charlie's energy was bright, like sunshine.

You: Let's go get some rest, okay?

Charlie: I still have things to do.

Charlie: Just let me hug you, for a bit.

I unwrapped a piece of chocolate I had prepared and popped it into his mouth.

Charlie ate it, the bittersweet aroma clinging to his breath.

Charlie: Now I'm even hungrier.

I was about to take out some biscuits and bread when the office phone suddenly rang.

It was Dr. He. He told us that the captain, who had just come out of surgery, had rapidly deteriorated within minutes and passed away before they could save him.

I froze, my eyes instinctively going to Charlie.

He was also momentarily stunned, then rushed to the computer, muttering something under his breath.

Although his voice was low, I could still hear him. He had confirmed all of Dr. Fu's procedures and had been watching the entire surgery through the camera. No one had touched the patient after he was transferred to the ward...

After eliminating all possibilities of human error, he slowly exhaled, the darkness in his eyes receding.

I felt a wave of relief. That's right, Charlie wasn't afraid of death itself. He simply couldn't bear to witness deaths that could have been prevented.

You: Charlie, do you think the patient died because his injuries were too severe?

Charlie flipped through the captain's medical records page by page.

Charlie: The patient is only thirty years old, still very young. He has no underlying health conditions and is in good physical shape.

I understand what he means. Although the patient's injuries were severe, there was still a good chance of recovery.

Charlie flipped to the last page of the medical record. Just last month, the captain had visited another hospital, complaining of a toothache. He had been diagnosed with chronic apical periodontitis.

Because his condition was quite serious, and his job as a captain required him to be free from pain, the doctor had prescribed a strong painkiller. And currently, the most common painkiller in hospitals was --- DEA.

Charlie seemed to remember something and pulled up a document on his phone.

Numbers, charts, and descriptions were interspersed. It seemed to be an experimental report.

I couldn't understand the technical terms, but I could vaguely make out that it was an experiment related to the heart and coronary arteries.

You: Does DEA affect the heart?

Charlie: I can't say for sure yet. We'll probably need an autopsy to determine that.

You: An autopsy... Will the family agree to it?

I was a bit worried, but Charlie took my hand, his purple eyes calm and sharp.

Don't overthink it, fiancée. We just need to ask, his eyes seemed to say.

Dr. He had already informed the captain's mother of his death. The elderly woman sat in the office, sobbing uncontrollably.

Charlie sat quietly beside her, listening to her lament the injustice of fate, listening to her talk about her son. Whenever she choked up, he would gently interrupt with a few words of comfort.

Finally, the mother seemed to accept her son's passing, her tears subsiding as she sat in a daze. Charlie then explained the situation to her.

The elderly woman sighed and shakily pulled a carefully folded piece of paper from her pocket, handing it to Charlie.

Captain's Mother: Doctor, I understand your good intentions, but donating his organs was my son's own wish.

Charlie unfolded the paper and found it was a thank-you letter for organ donation.

Captain's Mother: My son had a serious illness when he was young. A doctor donated blood to him, and that's how he survived.

Captain's Mother: He always said that you can't take your organs with you when you die, but one organ can save another life.

Captain's Mother: He made this decision a long time ago. I want to fulfill his wish...

Captain's Mother: It's as if he hasn't left me, as if he's still living in this world in another form.

Seeing the woman's earnest expression, Charlie nodded and held her hand, offering his condolences.

We had considered the possibility of not being able to perform an autopsy, but we hadn't expected organ donation to be involved. This wasn't over yet.

Even with my limited medical knowledge, I knew that damage to the heart was detrimental to organ transplantation.

Charlie stood up, and we left the office, exchanging a look.

Although there was still no evidence that the captain's heart had been damaged by DEA, we both understood what the other was thinking.

Keep investigating.

At 1:05 a.m., we learned that the captain's heart had been successfully matched with a heart patient, who would be undergoing surgery in an hour at the First People's Hospital's affiliated hospital. The question was, who was this patient?

Charlie: I don't have access to the patient records of the affiliated hospital.

You: Then let's go there directly. You're exhausted. I'll drive.

I was glad I had come to the hospital today, and I was glad that I could at least help him with this small task.

During the drive, Charlie was unusually quiet, his fingers unconsciously tracing patterns on his leg: a vertical line, a horizontal with a downward stroke, another horizontal line... I couldn't make out the rest.

He was anxious, not just from the urgency, but a deeper anxiety, as if the recipient were a member of his own family, his concern clouding his judgment.

While waiting at a red light, I reached out and took his hand, stopping his mechanical movements.

You: What's wrong?

Charlie: My fiancée, do you know what organ transplantation means?

Charlie's hand gripped mine in return.

You: It's the continuation of life, isn't it?

He nodded, gazing out the window. His purple eyes were reflected in the glass, and within those eyes, the red traffic signal was mirrored. Twenty seconds until we could move forward again.

Charlie: Around 100,000 people worldwide need heart transplants every year, but only 6,000 of them receive a suitable donor and undergo the surgery.

Charlie: Most people die waiting. The waiting process is truly agonizing.

Charlie: And not every family can accept donating their loved one's organs.

Charlie: It's practically a one in ten thousand chance.

One in ten thousand, he repeated the number.

If there was something wrong with this heart, that patient waiting for a transplant would have to wait for another one in ten thousand chance.

Was that possible? Almost impossible. I suddenly understood how he was feeling.

He was a doctor, but if he had to deliver the news that the heart was unusable... everyone, including himself, would see him as an executioner.

Logically, he must know that wasn't the case, but emotionally, it was hard to control.

Charlie had experienced death time and time again. I had never witnessed him break down, but he was always teetering on the edge of numbness, and the distance between those two states was vast.

You: Don't overthink it, Charlie. We're just going to ask. We'll deal with the rest later.

I repeated the message he had conveyed with his eyes, voicing it for him.

He looked at me with a mixture of surprise and gratitude. The light turned green.

At 1:35 a.m., we arrived at the affiliated hospital. Surgeries were rare at this hour, and it wasn't difficult to find out who the transplant patient was. We got a name: Ye Lin.

Nurse: Ye Lin? What do you want with him? They're preparing him for surgery now.

Charlie: There are some things I need to discuss with his family before the operation.

The nurse at the front desk pulled up the patient's information on the computer, then shook her head.

Nurse: The patient is on ECMO and has been in the intensive care unit.

After repeated requests, the nurse consulted her supervisor and agreed to take us to the family. But for some reason, we couldn't find them anywhere.

Not being able to find them meant we couldn't inform them in advance about the potential issue with the heart. It would be incredibly difficult to break the news and ask them to make a decision after the surgery had already begun.

You: I'll keep an eye out for the family. I'll let you know as soon as I find them.

You: You should go inform the surgeon about the heart.

As soon as I said it, I realized that explaining about DEA, the conjecture, Charlie's experiment, and the method for identifying the heart issue to the surgeon wouldn't be a quick task.

Charlie nodded, then shook his head, taking out his phone. His expression was calm, eerily calm.

Charlie: Hello, this is the surgeon who operated on the heart donor. I'd like to request to be an assistant surgeon on the transplant operation.

Charlie: I want to monitor and examine the donor heart to ensure the surgery goes smoothly.

-

We parted ways once again. I sat outside the operating room, while he was inside.

In the hallway, a couple was trying to coax a crying little girl. The girl clung to the wall, scraping off flakes of paint, an IV line still attached to her arm.

The man and woman tried to soothe her, to persuade her, even pleading with tears in their eyes. But the girl refused to leave. The man raised his hand as if to strike her, but instead, slammed it against the wall.

A nurse came over to intervene, and I learned that the little girl had an older sister with a terminal illness, and they were a perfect match for a transplant.

Over the past few years, she had provided her sister with a bone marrow transplant and countless blood transfusions, but her sister's condition still required more.

A scream echoed from the ward, and the couple rushed over, their grip on the little girl loosening. She ran off.

Through the crack in the door, I saw a frail, bald girl lying on the bed, her face pale. A fleeting, cunning smile crossed her lips.

The little girl ran for a while, then gradually slowed down, finally stopping and staring blankly at the ward. She burst into tears again, crying out for her sister.

Unable to bear the sight any longer, I walked to the deserted lobby.

For some reason, my thoughts drifted to Charlie, to his brother, and to how he had looked when speaking of him.

At 2:00 a.m., Charlie stood at the operating table. The affiliated hospital had agreed to let him participate as an assistant surgeon.

He looked down at the patient before him. Ye Lin was in critical condition, his life completely dependent on ECMO.

At this point, the donor heart was the patient's only hope.

Charlie had no opportunity to examine the condition of the heart. He could only take a gamble, hoping it was healthy, hoping his suspicions about DEA's side effects were wrong.

But none of that mattered now. Nothing was more important than the life hanging in the balance. He had always believed that.

The anesthesiologist and circulating nurse were in position.

ECG, pulse oximetry, urinary catheterization, arterial blood pressure monitoring, anesthesia depth monitoring, cardiac output monitoring... The preliminary work was complete.

Nurse: Patient Ye Lin, male, 24 years old, diagnosed with end-stage heart disease and severe heart failure. We are proceeding with orthotopic heart transplantation. Estimated surgery time is 4 hours.

The nurse administered oxygen to the patient through a mask, and the anesthesiologist administered general anesthesia, muscle relaxants, and analgesics intravenously, adjusting the vasoactive drugs based on the patient's blood pressure.

Soon, the patient's spontaneous breathing ceased, and the nurse assisted the anesthesiologist with endotracheal intubation and mechanical ventilation.

Everything was ready. The assistant surgeon disinfected and draped the patient, and the lead surgeon stepped up to the operating table.

The lead surgeon made the incision and opened the patient's chest, connecting the ECMO cannulas to the cardiopulmonary bypass machine.

Charlie: Cardiopulmonary bypass established.

Lead Surgeon: Has the donor heart arrived?

Charlie: Yes, it's here.

Lead Surgeon: Good.

Lead Surgeon: Clamps, tissue scissors.

The nurse handed the clamps to the lead surgeon.

Lead Surgeon: Clamping.

Lead Surgeon: Next, we'll remove the diseased heart.

Lead Surgeon: Dr. Zha, please examine the donor heart.

Charlie: Okay.

Charlie went to the insulated container holding the donor heart. The circulating nurse opened it, and the assistant surgeon carefully removed the heart.

Charlie instinctively held his breath, examining it closely.

He quickly noticed calcified plaques in the coronary arteries of the donor heart and probed them with his fingers.

Charlie: Dr. Lu, there are plaques in the coronary arteries. Possibly coronary atherosclerosis.

Hearing this, the lead surgeon and the other two doctors quickly gathered around.

They frowned as they examined the donor heart.

Lead Surgeon: Wasn't there a pre-transplant evaluation? Why wasn't this reported?

Doctor A: There might be a procedural error. I think we should stop this transplant.

Doctor A: And with coronary atherosclerosis, the long-term prognosis could be affected.

Charlie: But Ye Lin has been on ECMO for fifteen days.

Charlie: If there were other suitable, healthy hearts available, he wouldn't have waited this long.

Charlie: And in his current condition, he might not even make it through the week.

Charlie: Regardless of the coronary atherosclerosis, I believe our priority is to keep him alive.

Charlie: Besides, a heart with mild coronary atherosclerosis can be used for emergency, life-saving transplants.

Charlie: So I believe we should proceed with this heart transplant.

Doctor A: If there were no issues with the prognosis, it would be fine. But if something goes wrong, no one will take responsibility.

Doctor A: And in this situation, it's very likely that the heart was given to the patient without a proper evaluation. This is a serious problem!

Charlie: What's more important, procedures or saving a life?

Charlie asked everyone present, and himself. He vaguely remembered answering this question before, but a doctor never answers this question just once.

Charlie: A doctor's responsibility is to heal and save lives. Missing the chance to save someone because of regulations is putting the cart before the horse.

Charlie looked at Dr. Lu, the lead surgeon, with determination. The middle-aged man, who had been frowning, looked back at him.

The silence lasted only a few seconds, but in the operating room, where every second counted, it felt like an eternity.

Finally, he nodded at Charlie.

The other doctor who had been leaning towards proceeding with the transplant also voiced his support. They immediately began the operation.

There was no family present, no patient's will to consider, only a group of people, or rather, one person, making a decisive call.

A voice kept whispering in his ear, Charlie, why are you doing this, harming both yourself and others? Why can't you just be a good doctor? Do you want to be suspended again, unable to help those who need you?

Charlie silenced it. He thought, Whoever is speaking must be able to see very far, to hear countless cries for help from afar. That's good. But right here, right now, all I see is Ye Lin.

-

In the quiet stillness of the late night, the motion-activated lights in the corridor flickered on and off sporadically as people passed by. I watched the lights dance, my weary eyelids finally surrendering to sleep.

I don't know how much time had passed when a commotion in the distance startled me awake. I abruptly sat up.

The operating room door finally opened.

I immediately stood up and watched as several nurses and doctors carefully wheeled the hospital bed away. But there was no sign of Charlie.

You: Charlie?

I anxiously looked around. Just then, the door, which had already closed, creaked open again, and an exhausted figure emerged, leaning against the frame for support.

He had already changed out of his scrubs and was slumped on the floor, wearing only sweat-soaked surgical attire.

After four consecutive surgeries, a prolonged battle against death that had stretched from afternoon to late night, he was utterly exhausted.

Sweat plastered Charlie's silver hair to his forehead, and his cheeks were still flushed.

He closed his eyes, his body limp against the tiled wall, and drifted off to sleep.

But his sleep wasn't peaceful. His brows were furrowed, his expression flickering between familiarity and something unknown, and he mumbled incoherently.

I leaned closer, barely making out his words.

Charlie: I can't listen to you this time...

Charlie: I have to keep him alive...

Perhaps his dreams still lingered on that pure white, silent battlefield. He had carried the weight of life and death for far too long, and he was exhausted.

I suddenly remembered this morning—no, yesterday morning—when I was half-asleep, the "dream" Charlie had given me. With him there, it had been a good dream.

You: You've worked hard, Dr. Zha. Get some rest.

You: I'll always be here. Don't have nightmares, and don't be afraid. If you have to dream about something, dream about me.

I crouched beside him. What would his reaction be if he heard me say these things?

Tell me when you wake up, I thought. Reaching out, I brushed a stray strand of hair from his forehead.

And the moment my fingers touched Charlie, images rippled before my eyes like waves on water.

Black smoke billowed, obscuring everything. It wasn't until a violent explosion erupted outside the frame that I realized what this was.

It was a massive fire.

Thick black smoke choked the forest, its location and time unknown. Houses, trees, everything in sight was burning, as if the world was about to be consumed by flames.

Two silver-haired boys stood on a patch of bare ground, the only one left. One of them hung his head, barefoot, clutching a tattered shoe helplessly.

The other boy quickly reacted. He took off his own shoes and, without a word, pulled the boy beside him closer, swiftly putting them on his feet.

He glanced back at the approaching fire and gently pushed the other boy, urging him to run.

The boy ran a few steps, then hesitantly looked back to see the boy who had given him his shoes smiling and waving.

"Don't worry," he said, "Big brother will catch up."

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S2 Chapter 3 Dreamland

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