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giantkillerjack · 1 year ago

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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smokin-salmon · 6 months ago

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Fuck it. *Makes the old woman cry*

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lucabyte · 7 months ago

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i feel like people are sleeping on the occam's razor situation of how buckwild it is to outright accuse a guy of being a clone of your friend even if you DO have a lot of circumstantial evidence. there's other options is what im saying. they could just be like. a guy. that's a sensible deduction. you should explore that deduction. ignore my shirt that reads I <3 RED HERRINGS.

i still think odile has the correct theory on lock but she's smart enough to know it needs like... a real smoking gun to be able to bring it up without sounding insane.

anyway. (mirabelle voice) i know its rude to speculate but has anyone else noticed the grieving? they seem to be grieving. does anyone have any thoughts on the grieving? i have some thoughts on the grieving.

#[isabeau voice] am i insane or does sometimes loop talk like they might have killed their whole family. is that just me? just checking.#nille design highly inspired by @kiwibrain's since its the one that imprinted in my mind. liberties taken since i didnt look @ reference #anyway i have a lot more thoughts on this? i guess ill hide them in the tags...? scroll down i suppose.#isat #in stars and time #isat spoilers #in stars and time spoilers #isat act 6 spoilers #isat loop #isat siffrin #isat bonnie #isat nille #isat fanart #in stars and time fanart #doodlebyte #----------------------------------------------------------------------#anyway the extra thoughts. are literally just my general thoughts on postcanon. (and thus are the context for all of my postcanon doodles!)#which is i think nille joins the party before loop reappears for a start (either from a period of nonexistence or just wandering around)#and that like. i think the party should be able to integrate loop as a completely new person. because they are! the secrecy isn't great but #They and Siffrin shuffle into different ecological niches in the party (eg. i think sif is more squeamish after it all but loop isnt)#and while it's not *exactly* what Loop wanted they get that beggars can't be choosers. and its pretty good #(i am glossing over how i think loop's reappearence drags both them and siffrin into a massive behavioural backslide and is likely a bit #distressing to watch go down. cycle of argument -> lovebombing -> normalcy -> repeat. etc etc. but since they are no longer literally #stewing in the worst pressure cooker of all time they do resolve it via productive conversation on their own time. its fine)#the party well-meaningly tries to deduce things from loop's vagueries and are able to pin down the DEAD FAMILY vibe pretty quickly.#but eventually the question of their prior identity falls by the wayside because well! they're just their friend loop! (also change belief)#as for how The Truth Come Out... this is what i mean by The Isabeau Torment Nexus(tm). which is that i think... isiloop should almost occur #BEFORE isabeau knows who loop is. he's just genuinely charmed by them eventually and tries to close the open end of the polycule #which FREAKS LOOP THE FUCK OUT because thats just too genuinely sick and wrong. and obviously w emotions high its not a great confrontation #ANYWAY told u i had more thoughts. if i were normal itd be a text post but.

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starry-bi-sky · 6 months ago

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i think i'm hilarious -- aka i made blood blossom danny au memes

all of these come from my DpxDC prompt "i am pushing the batdad agenda--" and it's corresponding additions in the reblogs ksdjlf.

i am. rotating them in my head. forever and always. personally i think there should be more batdad aus in dpxdc, their dynamic could be neat. :)

#THAT FIRST ONE TOOK ME A HOT MINUTE TO MAKE. i have never been more careful with a trackpad. imgflip doesnt have an undo button #i think its fucking hilarious #its a batdad au #danny fenton is not the ghost king #dpxdc #dpxdc crossover #dp x dc crossover #dp x dc #dc x dp #mmm i need to come up with a name for this au #found family ftw WHOOOO. i could just do a generic 'blood blossom au' tag but i want a specific one because i like being unique #eldest batkid danny au #chronically ill danny au #danny: im grateful he's helping me but im still kinda apprehensive...#battinson: vaults over a car to escape reporters. likes rock music. isn't fucking evil. punched a cop. actively looking for a cure #danny: ...huh. okay.#furiously pushing the batdad agenda for my own gain. just look at them guys. they're funny little guys.#unofficial witness protection to adoption pipeline.#bruce wayne accidental teen acquisition. save a teenager gain a son #its about the adventure of them going from strangers to friends to family :)#im bored of the bruce slander guys in the words of hermes from hadestown:#“[its] about someone who *tries”*#danny saw a funny man in a funny costume eat the side of a dumpster and has never related more with someone on a spiritual level #“brother eugh i feel that. oh heY WAIT HERO BUDDY?? SAME HAT??? SAME HAT?”#danny's been the only hero he's known since he was 13. on god he is leaping at this opportunity. like YES. PLEASE BE ANOTHER HERO #HELP ME GET AWAY FROM CERTIFIED CRAZY MAN. HELP. YOU'RE SCARY AND HIDING IN THE DARK. EVEN BETTER. HELP A BROTHER OUT HERE #blood blossom au #for the time being thats the name

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hellenhighwater · 7 months ago

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Genuinely being a single woman in my thirties, living alone, is such a mixed blessing sometimes. I do love my house and when I'm here I literally never want to leave. But on the other hand, I do get tired of leaving to go hang out with people, even though I love seeing them. Especially because I have such a great group of friends but they live all over the place, geographically, and therefore most of them don't know each other. And I actually really love hosting? But I never have people in my house because logistically it's always more practical for me to go to them than vice versa.

But sometimes I buy new old dishes and wanna just have a little fancy wizard party, but all my guests are far away. Please may I have the teleport spell. Or a high-speed commuter rail system.

#Hazard of moving to a city where i dont have people locally i guess #a very insular city at that #and honestly i am not lonely! I have lovely freinds! But I do miss the college days of everyone basically living in walking distance #in one city #as opposed to now #where DND takes me the width of the state on a weekly basis #usually the only time there are groups of people in my house is around christmas for the family holidays #and like...in the overall balance of my life this works #me going to my people is the logical choice #and its not a bad thing #but most of my friend groups are...local clusters where I am the out-of-towner these days #which again: fine; i knew that going in when I decided to move where I did and overall its the best call #but also sometimes I want to just load up the whole crew in detroit and tell them we're heading to mine this time #dont worry there'll be fancy little finger sammiches when we get there #just give me an excuse to use the wizard plates

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nouverx · 7 months ago

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I absolutely loved the recent duo print of Alastor and Charlie on streamily and I wanted to make an hypothetical duo print of Alastor and Niffty in a similar style. A man can dream 💀

I also wish he had one with Rosie ofc he needs a duo print with all his girlies. Maybe I'll draw that next time who knows

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel fanart #hazbin alastor #hazbin niffty #alastor #digital art #my art #clip studio paint #alastor and niffty #platonic ofc #I havent drawn them together in a while I missed them my favourite murderous psychopaths duo #I wasnt posting much lately because I was visiting friends and family last week; I was away from home for a while #but now I'm back and ready to feed yall more radiorose #and more alastor in general bc goddamn i love this murderous deer man #also yeah sorry the background is straight up out of the show I didnt draw that one I cant draw backgrounds for shit #but one day... one day I'll draw my own backgrounds

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favroitecrime · 1 year ago

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Palestinian freedom fighters breaking out of Gaza and reclaiming their occupied territories. They’ve taken over israeli tanks and have chased out the settlers that were on that land. They’ve launched rockets everywhere and the iron dome has failed to intercept. This is about to mark a momentous event in history.

From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free.

#free palestine #it feels so surreal and so shocking #there’s so much hope but so much fear #you just know they’re about to retaliate with the genocide they’ve been planning for years now #i fear for my palestinian brothers and sisters but this is so fucking huge #they tore down part of the barbed wire fence!!!! the people of Gaza are breaking out!!!!#god there’s so much more on twitter but i beg if you look do NOT look at non-palestinian sources #they’re twisting the narrative as if this isn’t retaliation for 76 years of torture #as if the israeli forces and settlers didn’t kill 4 palestinians yesterday alone #as if they haven’t killed nearly 300 palestinians this year alone #do NOT let the media trick you into thinking anything after will be a retaliation to an attack Palestine started #PALESTINE is the one retaliating #also if you’re gonna come in here with both sides or whatever sincerely block me and lmk so i can blokc you #they’ve already out out statements to leave children and the elderly alone so any middle aged fuckers are free to kill :)#which is fine since they’ve likely killed hundreds if not thousands of their friends and family and neighbors anyway #tag: important #fuck israel #gaza #tag: october 7 2023

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kotdish · 5 months ago

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who would gaf about my bully au with scout tf2 ‼️

#bully game #bully #jimmy hopkins #gary smith #scout tf2 #smopkins #i just feel like these ips have synergy. i think i read somewhere that jimmy has had a bunch of expulsions from other places? maybe one of #them was from a boston school. and there he must've met and hung out with scout and his siblings. i would imagine this to be blu instead of #red (maybe both?) cuz my hcs for blu are that basically he only has two sibs: bidwell and a twin sister that would basically be fem scout #so idk that just opens up more avenues for friends and people to hang out with outside of the family. like maybe a younger jimmy hopkins!#i imagine too like a 6 year age difference. like in this au the time stamp would be in the 70s and jimmy is 15 and scout is 21

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 1 year ago

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Let the revenge games begin.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #jin guangyao #nie huaisang #He's gonna call his 5 horse friends up. They have to go on a 14 year long journey to finish the job but by god they will do it.#The sheer chaos in the Audio Drama is really fantastic. Reminds me of those traincar murder mysteries.#The lights go off and there's a scream and then BOOM dead body. Who did that!!!#Okay it was qi deviation and he did it to stop himself from killing his brother. He did it to himself.#JGY sadly has the worst alibi ever though. Both the strongest motivation and also uhhh presence at the scene.#Not to nitpick but as someone who loves murder mysteries - I do feel like even *one* other suspect would have made it stronger.#I get that he tried to make it look like an inevitable Qi Deviation and that it *is* something within the family legacy.#And a big part of NHS figuring it all out comes down to his own perceptiveness and intelligence.#If you weren't close enough to JGY and NMJ of course it looks like an accident.#Sadly 'guy who plays the 'poor little meow meow card'' is also weak to 'guy who plays the 'poor little meow meow card''.#NHS was the better subtle manipulator at the end. That's probably the strongest mystery part of MDZS. And why he's in my top 5.#My man pulled the 'kill him just as he falls from the top of his game and loses everything' gambit and I love him for it.

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stewykablooey · 2 years ago

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funniest thing about stewy is that he’s a fucking anomaly in the roys social circle because not a single person in that family has any fucking friends. they genuinely only fraternize with family or waystar employees and then here comes stewy. the prodigal sons third-oldest friend best friend childhood friend. and guess what. he’s here to cause problems on purpose.

#and the whole family hates him because they're like who the fuck is this guy why is he here'#and kendal has to be like 'this is stewy my friend stewy' and everyones like what the fuck is a friend'#and its like. specifically insane that he’s such an old friend who’s known kendall and the roys for Decades #anyone who has a childhood friend that they're still friends with well into adulthood knows thats its like.#they're family but they're not but they are #he's almost like a brother in law #but not the same way tom is because tom is invested in the roys tom married shiv to marry into the family #but stewy 'married' into the family to get kendall out #which is why logan doesn't just hate him but sees him a threat. because he tethers one of his kids to the outside world #and on top of that he is literally. so annoying.#loml #stewy hosseini #kendall roy #kenstewy #succession #m

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555bunnies · 4 months ago

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Bunny, always in my memory

#my art 🎀!#art #this bunny belonged to some old family friends but one day she went missing… it made me really sad when i found out #it was a long time ago but i still remember her

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bixels · 5 months ago

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I'm not getting into The Giving Tree discourse...

#personal #delete later #idk i just saw a post of the “alternate ending” comic on my dash and everyone praising it as an improvement and “fixing” the original #which i kinda resent #while tulli and i was taking my nephew to a book store we walked around the kids section and found the giving tree and we read through it #and i was so stricken by how profoundly sad it is. it's not a happy story #in the end both versions tell the exact same lesson. but one flat out tells you and the other makes you sit with a pit in your stomach #and work to find the answer #i dunno it's kids literature but kids literature is important. i don't wanna discredit anyone's bad memories with the book but also i think #sometimes it's ok to make kids a bit sad and upset with fiction.#tweet that goes “what if romeo and juliet didn't kill themselves and explained to the audience that family feuds are bad”#idk you can't seriously read the original book as an adult and say it's glorifying self-martyrdom #when the final drawing of the book is of an old tired man sitting on arotting stump with his hat fallen to the ground #again i don't wanna invalidate people's feelings if they enjoy the alt version i think it's really nice too. but the original has its #purpose too. imagine if at the end of the lorax they show that the boy did it and replanted the world happy ending #wait they did that in the movie shit #i dunno i just love somber children's literature. tulli and i are talking about moomin right now and how the series ends with the moomin #family just leaving. and nobody gets to say goodbye to them. their friends have to find ways to live with the emptiness they've left behin

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starry-bi-sky · 1 month ago

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mmm throwaway conversation between Dan and Danny that popped into my head that I had to write out:

"You spent ten years being a one-man mass extinction event, then went back in time and fought me, and lost." Danny snarls, arms crossed and throat tight. His mouth pulls back to bare dagger-sharp teeth, and his eyes burn with the familiar thrum of ectoplasm heating up behind his eyes. "If I didn't believe you were half of Vlad before, I do now."

His other self -- and really, can he even call him that? He's half of Vlad too. Two halves severed from each other and welded together to make a new whole, -- snaps his head over to him. Wild-eyed and furious, he looks unlike the man Danny fought before, the one unruffled and untouched, unbothered by the world around him. It's familiar, but not like the way a reflection is.

"What's that supposed to mean." The Other hisses, matching Danny's scowl one-for-one with fangs much bigger and sharper than his.

But there's a reason lions fear hyenas. Danny matches the rumble in The Other's chest with one of his own, and shoves his face close to his. "I don't lose."

#danny fenton #danny phantom #dp prompt #danny phantom prompt #dan phantom #dark danny #not meant for any particular au i just had the idea of danny going 'wow you can tell you're half of vlad' to dan and when questioned abt it #he says; 'if you were REALLY only me you wouldn't have lost' which is fucking BASED as hell. and also technically true #thought process for danny here was 'hates dan's fucking GUTS bc he tried to kill his family and friends without remorse and would actively #rip out his throat without a moment's notice.' some fr 'im going to beat you to death with my bare hands!' vibes rn.#not totally in character for danny but also i was thinking that it got to this point bc dan was goading danny about 'being his future self'#when that's not technically true. he's half of vlad too he just has danny's face and powers. and he pissed off danny enough that he #retaliated. just not in the way dan expected. dan was expecting a physical attack not a verbal one.#danny called him a loser in more ways than one.#also the reason danny never calls him 'dan' in this is because i was thinking that danny doesn't actually *have* a name to call him. bc he'#certainly not danny. but he's not vlad either. he's someone else entirely. so 'The Other' it is.#danny fenton is not the ghost king #<- down here because while its still MY DP post its not DPXDC so it doesnt need to be front and center for people to see it.

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bri-cheeses · 5 months ago

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personally I think that all queer books should have a “special edition” with a subtle cover (and a code name if it’s necessary) for all of the people in homophobic areas

#it’s me I’m people #no but seriously we’re out here in the trenches smuggling queer books and desperately hoping our parents/family/friends won’t find out #I have stack of all the queer books I own in a bag underneath a bunch of clothes IN MY ATTIC CRAWL SPACE so that they don’t get found #and the amount of times I’ve had to switch out a cover on one hardback for a cover of a different hardback is insane #my sister thinks I’ve read The Shadows Between Us like 6 times but most of the time it was actually RW&RB #it gets ridiculous #for example #to get RW&RB in the first place my twin had to stuff the book under her shirt while we were in the bookstore #buy it herself in all cash #and then hide it again as we left #so please I am begging for “special edition’’ books like this 🙏😭#literature #lqbtq #queer #queer books #gay #lesbian #trans #bisexual #books and reading #booklr #homophobia #pride month

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littlelightfish · 7 months ago

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Something I loved from the anime adaptation on episode 5:

They made a summary about Mick's and Kuro's characters and relationship from what they saw in this two panels on the few seconds this scene taked place.

Just this. Kuro and Mick both surprised on the first. Kuro looking at Mick like he's worried about something, and Mick eating bread in silence, looking in distrust at the guy.

The anime makes it so rich on subtle expressions, I'm in love here. They're just on the background of the scene. But what they do says really a lot about them.

When the guy first comes to scene, Mick looks a bit confused but nothing else. "Who tf this guy?" They're not planing on paying him any mind.

When he sits besides him, he gets uncomfortable, you can see it on his face he doesn't want to sit beside a stranger. He wants to get up and change places. "What's with this guy? What does he want? Why is he so close?" Kuro notices this and looks at him. He saw him flinch (off camera because guy is covering him). Mick is scared of this guy.

Mickbell is a naturally untrusty person because of his backstory. He gets uncomfortable when new people starts acting friends because "well that can't mean good, can it?" Kuro knows this because they share a life together and proceeds to try and calm him the best he can in this situation.

Kuro puts his hands on Mick's back. He already has them there when the camera changes angles. "I got you. I'm here. Nothing is going to happen to you. Calm down." Mick now looks confused at the guy, but it's still clear he's very uncomfortable there. He leans towards Kuro a bit "I feel safer by your side and this guy is wierd".

In seconds, as soon as he sees him grab food from their table, he changes his mood. He jumps in surprise at the audacity. He's now annoyed and pissed. That's their food! How dares he... But he isn't the one to say anything, and from this alone you could tell he's quite introverted outside of their friends group (or that he didn't pay for the food idk). Kuro keeps his hands in there, knowing he's nervous.

Mick just looks at him eat, annoyed, maybe angry, and silent. He isn't probably paying any mind to what this guy is saying. He is stealing food. He should go get food somewhere else. Kuro seems to think something alike, but he is a bit surprised this guy has the balls to steal food so openly (he isn't paying atention either ot he doesn't understand)

He thinks a lot of thinks but says none, eating in silence. Kuro is staring with no good intentions behind those eyes. Only murder. Food robber. Mick disturber. Deserves death.

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todayisafridaynight · 4 months ago

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#rgg #ryu ga gotoku #yakuza series #ryu ga gotoku 7 #yakuza like a dragon #yakuza 7 #ichiban kasuga #masato arakawa #ryo aoki #snap sketches #edit: two versions cause im indecisive about everything ever #this one goes out to anon ..... hi ....#Truly ask really did just. make me wanna draw em LMAO #idk why i decided they should get takoyaki afterwards but idk. best thing to do before you go to jail vjaLRKVKE #tbh i just know that whenever i was upset my sis would take me out to get food #it wasnt often since shes not home much but on the off chance she caught me on a bad day we'd always get ice cream or somn #ironically my sister's coming home from a trip later today and my sister's always been my best friend tbh so. funny timin for this doodle #i wont go on a mile long tangent like i usually do so ill just say my sister's really cool and important to me and i cant wait to see her #def why y7 hits hard for me ..... the FAMILY bro ........ beating aoki with a metal pipe as we speak #nuff of that tho. for now i sleep for ten seconds bye everyone

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