#anyway i have a lot more thoughts on this? i guess ill hide them in the tags...? scroll down i suppose.

[lucabyte]

i feel like people are sleeping on the occam's razor situation of how buckwild it is to outright accuse a guy of being a clone of your friend even if you DO have a lot of circumstantial evidence. there's other options is what im saying. they could just be like. a guy. that's a sensible deduction. you should explore that deduction. ignore my shirt that reads I <3 RED HERRINGS.

i still think odile has the correct theory on lock but she's smart enough to know it needs like... a real smoking gun to be able to bring it up without sounding insane.

anyway. (mirabelle voice) i know its rude to speculate but has anyone else noticed the grieving? they seem to be grieving. does anyone have any thoughts on the grieving? i have some thoughts on the grieving.

[r1poutmygvtz]

longgg ramble/vent/whatever's on my mind, idk man i'm tired and should probably schedule another therapy appointment soon

also this is kinda just all over the place, idk my thoughts are kinda scattered rn for some reason

(tws: mental health talk, sh, suicide attempts, od mention, ed, body issues, weed + alcohol talk, medicine misuse, childhood abuse, pet + family death mentions, possibly more idk if i missed one lmk and i'll tag it and put it up here)

my mental health right now is so fragile i don't understand, like obviously i know i'm depressed, i've been diagnosed for nearly two years now but i should've been much earlier, maybe that's why it got so bad, i don't even remember why i was diagnosed tbh, i think it was my first time back after like a year and a half maybe two years of not being in therapy and obviously a lot of shit happened, in that time that i went without therapy i tried to kms three times, had an alcoholic phase, and got addicted to weed

it was also sometime around my birthday i believe, which would make sense on why i got diagnosed, im always super depressed around my birthday, i mean i was expelled on my 13th, my great grandma died the day after my 14th and the day after that i tried to kms and that was the most traumatizing one and it took me over 2 years to be able to take the meds that i od'd on again without freaking out, i was literally so high i can't even remember my 15th, 4 days before my 16th i graduated (horrible for me, i had a panic attack everyday leading up to it for like 2 weeks straight) and 2 days after that my cat that i had since my 12th birthday died, so there's literally nothing enjoyable about my birthday and it feels more like a curse than anything

anyways, i've been the same since i was like 8 or 9, i was depressed and dreamt/wished i would die or get seriously hurt, maybe i just wanted my dad to care about me for once or maybe i did really just want to die, im not sure, i can't really remember my childhood, my therapist says i most likely have ptsd from the abuse which would explain the memory gaps and dpdr (depersonalization & derealization for those that don't know, the derealization is confirmed by my therapist btw just not the depersonalization but that's probably only because i didn't bring that up)

i think the most fucked up part is the fact it took me 16 years to find out the abuse was also physical, i spent the entire time before that thinking it was only verbal towards me and my siblings but i guess not, also apparently all the times me and my sister went to my neighbors/aunts house was because we were hiding from my dad, i thought we just went over to watch cartoons because we didn't have them at home, idk it was just weird for me to find out 7 years after it stopped, it doesn't really bother me all that much tbh my dad was already dead to me and i've been mostly no contact with him for almost 3 years now

also speaking of me as a kid, that's when a lot of my problems started, i was 9 almost 10 for the dpdr and 8 or 9 when i started hating my body, sh came in later tho i was like 10 or 11 when that started, i actually remember being like 9 and writing down everything i ate on a piece of paper, and when i was 10 i kept a notebook full of what i weighed in the morning and night and would see the difference in it, i also vividly remember asking my mom how many calories were in something from mcdonald's and she told me i was too young to be asking that so i just kinda stopped after that which obviously ended up coming back, i mean just look at my account

anyways yea i just hate how back and forth my mental health is, one day i could be doing great and think i'm amazing and unbelievably pretty and smart and ill try to better myself by getting sober and staying clean, then the next day i'll hate myself and consider going back to taking my meds throughout the day just so i was loopy and hardly able to process anything

tbh i do miss it a lot, i started back when i was heavily addicted to weed and would take my meds when i couldn't smoke, actually i used to take melatonin a bunch throughout the day so i could just pass out if anything happened that i didn't want to deal with (literally anything at all tbf) but that started to not work as well as i wanted so i turned to my meds, i'd take my nightly dose (50mg instead of the 20mg i was supposed to take) at like noon and would be loopy until it was time to actually take it, i didn't do it much tbh, my sisters bf caught on after the third or fourth time because i had just met his family for the first time that day and their dog tried to bite my face apparently and i didn't even react (didn't even realize it happened tbh) and he asked what was up with me and i told him bc i've known him forever, anyways yea he yelled at me to knock it off and went on about how it's gonna kill me if i kept doing it, so i did it like once after that and it's been months since i've done it again

it's kinda funny tho, those meds actually could've killed me regardless, i was supposed to take them three times a day but only really did once at school and i still got a bunch of the more serious side effects because i wasn't supposed to smoke while taking them but obv i did bc i was addicted, like breathing was hard, i nearly fainted all the time, my appetite was nonexistent, my heart was starting to mess up, like i literally thought i had a heart attack one day because the side effects were that bad and my mom and sister started looking up symptoms of POTS because that's what the side effects looked like, anyways i got taken off those months ago but i still have them somewhere and i'm fighting the urge to find and take them just so i have no appetite and so i'll sleep through the day

i think that's really all idk, there's more i was gonna say but i can't really remember plus this is already super long jfc, i don't expect anyone to actually read this, i just wanted it off my chest and i don't really trust talking to many people about this kinda stuff

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi :) i hear you give advice and i very much need some. I’m 15 and I live in a pretty (very) conservative christian area.

My older sibling is 19, and came out as trans to me like a year ago. Ngl I didn’t really know what that meant, cause we don’t learn about that stuff (except for your classic, anything that isn’t “normal” is wrong). But he just told me that he’s happier with he/him and with his new name. But he hasn’t told our parents yet, so I have to use the old stuff in front of them when he comes back for visits (he’s as uni) which feels gross cause I know he feels uncomfortable but it’s fine. 

I sort of thought the he/him thing would be weird, since that’s not how i’ve addressed him my whole life, but after a couple of months it was actually super easy. We call each other like twice a week, and I was worried we’d drifted apart after he told me but actually were closer than ever, I feel like I know him a lot better now. 

Oh but his old name, the one parents gave him, SUCKS. And now I can’t mock him for it cause he picked a new one, which seems unfair to me but I can come up with new material, i’m creative.

Anyway, he told me that he’s been saving up and he’s gonna get top surgery. He’s had a pretty good job since  school so I guess he’s been saving since then. I hear it’s expensive. 

But it made him decide to tell our parents. So when he came up and visited, just before he left, he told them.

That was last week. They reacted terribly, as we knew they would. And they’ve both been yelling about it a bunch. Saying stuff like “He (okay no they’re actually using she but I won’t be doing that even in writing cause it feels wrong cause it’s my brother) is totally insane” or “He needs therapy, we failed him.” or “How dare *old name* do this” or “he’s delusional” and a bunch of other awful shit like that.

So I have two options. I can try and encourage them to do little things like use he/him for my brother. Or call him their son instead of daughter. Or actually look at photos of him now (he very much doesn’t look like a girl anymore- idk how they didn’t realise tbh). Or how he always did little things like cutting his hair and hating dresses and other stuff like that.

I’ve often been able to help my parents be nicer about stuff. Like my friend who’s a lesbian, they hated her at first but now they’re nicer about it.

But maybe if I do that they’ll start yelling about corrupting me (as they’ve done in the past) and harass my brother worse and be even worse about it all. 

It’s hard to know which direction it’ll go.

And look I still don’t really get it. But also it makes sense, you know? It’s like the final puzzle piece being slotted in, all those things he used to do make sense now. 

My parents say I can’t interact with lgbtq+ stuff cause they’ll corrupt me. But like- not to be rude but, aren’t they corrupting me? My brother HAPPY. I don’t see how that’s wrong. And they’re the ones telling me I should be actively encouraging him to be- what, sad again? Uncomfortable in himself. 

I don’t know, i’m not totally sure I understand my parents or my brother. I got tumblr in the first place since it’s the only thing I could think of that’s online (so I could hide it) and probably has lgbtq+ people on it so I could- idk get used to it I guess. 

And now i’m here. 

When it comes down to it, I want my brother to be happy, and if he’s happier as my brother than my sister then I don’t see why I should care about him switching pronouns or whatever. 

So I want to try and help my parents see it like that too. And they often do see new sides to things when I point them out. So maybe id be helping.

But there’s also the chance they’d get more mad at my brother for corrupting me and that’d make him upset and that’s not what I want. 

So yeah, any advice? 

It’s kinda scary coming from my small town onto the giant internet of people i’ve been taught are weird. But you guys don’t seem that weird. I mean- you do but weird like i’m weird, not weird like ill. (Sorry if any of this seems rude btw, I might not get it but i’m trying really hard not to judge anyone, since it’s pretty clear to me that some of the things i’ve been taught aren’t correct). 

Also why do my parents think my brothers ill anyway? I know him, i’d know if he’s ill. Also i love history, and trans people are all over history. I mean they’re never said to be trans but watching my brother, it’s pretty obvious other people were like him. 

Anyway, thanks and have a good summer 💖

Hi hon!

I want to tell you, it sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders and you're an amazing support to your brother. You should be so proud of yourself.

I think you need to think about what is best for you and your mental health. If speaking up to your parents about your brother could end in them getting mad at you, it might not be a good idea. You've been doing amazing at supporting him while staying quiet, and I know he knows you support him. It might be best for yout o quietly educate yourself online without making a fuss, until you aren't relying on your parents as much for money, food, and shelter- kind of like your brother did.

This also might be a good thing to talk to your brother about, too. Like you said, this could affect him, and he probably knows your parents well. He might have some good advice <3 But you don't HAVE to stand up to them if it's not good for you. It's okay to educate yourself, and be an ally in other ways <3

Naming you history anon <3

(also wish your brother luck on his top surgery for me!)

[life-is-unreal]

Stranger Danger~ {Genshin x reader} Teyvat Chapter 11 - The Angel's Share

*more world building

The confusion and sheer shock when you floated down to the ground nearly made you hide in a bush. 

"The mora's worth it... The mora's worth it." You whispered under your breath. "Ok maybe not." you muttered, flinching as one of the children in the distance gaped at you. The boy's eyes were so large that you would've sworn that they would pop out of their sockets and his mouth was wide enough to fit your fist. 

You smiled awkwardly, almost sprinting away from the kids and to the Angel's share.

"A berry & mint burst please." You winced slightly as pretty much all of the mora that you've scavenged was placed on the table.

"Well aren't you a new face." The bartender, Charles laughed heartily, "Would you like a sample of dandelion wine? It's our top-seller, considering that you're new, you can have it for free." The man poured a small cup, pushing it in front of you, ignoring your frantic waving.

"Th-thanks?"

"One berry & mint burst coming right up!" He slapped down on your shoulder, "Go and talk with the fellows at the back, they're very welcoming to new faces." He placed the drink in front of you, pointing towards the little crowd near the stairs.

You weren't going to lie, but the tavern in real life was biggggg, it was like triple the size of the tavern in game.

"You there!"

"H-huh? Me?" You were going to curse yourself for all the stuttering, like why the hell were you stuttering?

"Aren't you one of the guys that chased Stormterror away a few days ago?"

"Raye! Stop scaring the poor kid." The man was elbowed hardly by one of his mates. "Kiddo, are you even old enough to drink?"

"Uhhhh, what's the drinking age?"

"Eighteen duhhh. Did you seriously order without knowing the drinking age?!"

You looked down at the drink you were given, "Yeahhh, but uh- I am over eighteen."

The man gaped. "I thought that you were like- I dunno sixteen? No offense of course."

"By the way, that drunkard's name is Raye. She's Leila, that's Nelson, and I'm Jace. There's a lot more others here and coming but I can't remember their names on the top of my head. Come on, sit with us."

Jace forcefully pushed you down to one of the chairs, sensing no ill intent you didn't bother pushing him off. "I'm Y/N. Uhhh, I'm new here."

"Yeah, we can see that." Leila rolled her eyes, throwing a hand over your shoulder. "Girlie, lemme guess, you decided to visit the Angel's share for gossip? Or are you here for intel?" She dropped the last bit to a whisper.

Raye smacked her hands off you, "Leila!"

The woman shrugged, "What? That's all what the new faces recently do!"

"That's because they're all fatui diplomats!" He hissed.

"Oh wait. You aren't one of them? My bad guys, my baaaad." She slurred, a blush creeping onto her tanned face. You weren't going to lie, Leila was hella pretty for a drunkard.

"Um, she was right for a point, the deaconess, Barbara did mention that there was gossip in here and since I wanted to get familiar with the city I just came?" You took a sip of the drink, and damn it was good. Whilst the dandelion wine was bitter with a dash of sweetness, the berry and mint burst was refreshing with a burst of fruitiness and had a nice aroma.

"Barbara? Quite surprising that she even listens to all those people that fawn over her. She has a fair share of stalkers, had she not been the sister of the Grandmaster, those dirty rascals would've probably kidnapped her."

"Leila!"

"What? That's the truth."

Raye laughed nervously, "Anyways Y/N, you wanted to listen to goss- I mean the latest news of Mondstadt right?"

Leila blinked, her misty eyes regaining focus, "Oooooh. Did you guys know? One of the knights literally cheated on their wives with another knight? Oh and the guy they cheated with was also a-"

"Leila!" All three of them scrambled to slap a hand over her mouth.

"Uh." You smiled awkwardly.

"Let's- Let's talk about other things how 'bout that." Nelson grinned.

"Uh, uh Y/N, how you settling down? And HOLY SHIT IS THAT A FUCKING SLIME?" Jace screeched, toppling over.

"Oh, I forgot about him. He's Bob, a cryo slime." 

"Yeah, no shit." Leila's were literally gleaming, "Girlie, how the fuck did you tame it- I mean him. That's legit so fucking cool."

"I didn't, he just. Uh, maybe he's a friendly slime?"

Leila raised her brows, "Yeahhhh totalllyyy."

"Um, anyways. I've found a place near the Adventurer's guild and uh, I'm an adventurer but I kinda, need another job-"

"Because they pay shit." Leila finished.

"Yeah."

"Girl, before I was a treasure hoarder I was one of those adventurer's and let me tell you. That job is like. Eugh, it seems high paying but it isn't really worth it especially when there's literally sooooo many adventurers around and inflation's happening because of that stupid dragon. Like they told me that I was too weak for half of the special commissions and quests they hand out. Since you're new you probably don't know those terms." She took a deep breath.

"You see, special commissions are like basic commissions except they pay like wayyyy more depending on the commissioner and how dangerous it is or how complicated it is. Then there's those quests that are uh, well I myself haven't received any but according to my fellow treasure hoarders they are usually super time consuming or are super dangerous. Both of them don't have to be issued by the Adventurer's guild. If you ever receive any by the guild, go to the commissioner because the Adventurer's guild takes a cut as the middle man, I mean they need to make money righttt?"

The woman took another deep gulp of her- vodka?

"Wait, you're a treasure hoarder?!" 

Leila nodded, "Jace is also one. The others are just normal citizens. Don't worry, none of us snitch, no point in it when most of the knights are pretty much useless."

You nodded in agreement, those fucking cowards that landed your ass in prison were probably the most useless of them all.

"You know, if you're reallly in need of mora, you can do some uh, not so legal stuff." Jace added on.

"Like being a treasure hoarder?"

"You can if you want. But you know, most of us treasure hoarders have another job so that the knights won't come knocking on our door going 'WhY dO yOu HaVe MoRa?' , for example, I work in one of the restaurants near the cathedral." 

Leila side eyed him, "How helpful. I'm going to be a good person and tell you actual shit."

She pulled a map out from her sleeve, "You see the map? The red spots on there are where you can make big money. I go to those places when I don't get enough mora to feed my family."

Raye leaned forward, "There's an extra spot near the hotel aye?"

Leila sneered, "Those fatui diplomats created a new place, never knew that fatui take on side jobs. Hell, the knights don't even know that any of these places exist for some reason, and even if they did, they sure did nothing."

"I went to the new place y'know. The jobs there were mainly on gathering intel and random shit. Pretty murky stuff if ya askin me. I can bring you to the red spots in the city if you're interested in making money off things like that. Dangerous? Yeah. Big bucks? Yeah. If you don't wanna risk it, I've also heard that there's a new cafe place opening up near the city gates." Jace tapped on a few red spots that were obviously a bit lighter in colour, so you assumed that the places were highlighted a long time ago.

"You think it's possible for me to get a job in that cafe and another job from the red areas?" You asked. You were it great need of accessible mora but if you didn't have a job to put on the surface, you wouldn't be able to get out the mora you've gotten in game.

Leila nodded, "I can bring you there whenever. I'm free for this entire week, just find me in the bar eh? If for some reason that I'm not here, find Jace. There's loads of scams in those red areas, if Raye or Nelson brings you there you might be stuck working for a contractor that gives nothing."

"Thanks Leila."

The woman nodded, "Leave your glass, Charles will tidy it up."

You stood up. "See ya'll soon then."

"Toodles."

"Bye."

"Nice meetin' ya and the slime."

"May Barbatos be with you."

-.-.-

You chuckled softly, Mondstadt was truly a lot more different in real life than you had expected. Mondstadt definitely would be a breeding ground for murky businesses had it not been for the vision holders and people that actually do their duties. 

"I wonder what the other nations would be like..." If Mondstadt's flaws were this obvious, it's no doubt that the other nations would have much larger potential dangers as Mondstadt is literally the starting ground for all newbie players. 

Liyue shouldn't be dangerous as long as it was in the harbour, but the outside would be unknown. Yes they had the adepti but you wouldn't exactly bet your luck on them. You shuddered at the mere thought of Sumeru and Inazuma. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teyvat Chapter 12:

https://www.tumblr.com/life-is-unreal/758119839983386624/stranger-danger-genshin-x-reader-chapter-12?source=share

[clovermarigold]

Daggers & Daffodils Chap. 29

Dagur x Reader

Hey everyone, So quick update. Guess who's going back to school! Which as you could imagine was the culprit for the late release. I had this sitting at about 500 words for a bit while also having to balance my second fic which had been un-updated for about 5 months. As a result, I'm rotating to have longer chapters to make up for the slow-release schedule. That being said, I do currently have the next chapter already drafted, so it should be coming somewhere in the next 10 days or so (hopefully). Sorry for the wait. And again, thank you for reading my cringy little fic <3

_________

Pain is becoming a concept too common for your liking. Emotional, physical, both? You were definitely experiencing both. The following week of your run in with the hunters was easily the second worst of your life. Only topped by having to wait at your brother's bedside after he lost his leg. 

Silver Tongue had always been your war horse. Your strong, brazen, and bullheaded friend who was there to be strong when you couldn't. Which was why seeing him in his current state was heart breaking. 

Wincing as he moved between his food and his bed. Which in itself was saddening, seeing as his species preferred to sleep upside-down. It was a shock when you had woken as a large weight covered you in your sleep. Only to be Silver Tongue, quietly howling as the sheets brushed against his raw and recovering wings. 

It infuriated you to no end, not only what had been done to your poor dragon, but how avoidable it was. Had they removed the arrows with the slightest amount of care, it would have been easily treatable. 

The fact that the hunters would have so little care for a dragon's wellbeing disgusted you to no end. All they saw was faulty merchandise they could sell at a discount. 'His hides already damaged beyond worth' Ryker's words sat ill in you. Oh, you would show him damaged beyond repair. You'd leave him nothing more than a stump to be hung on a mantle. The exact same treatment he no doubt gave to other unfortunate dragons.

You sighed, pausing in your ministrations. All father above, you were starting to sound like Dagur. Looking down at her hands, covered in oil she took a step back, grabbing a cloth to wipe them with. Too aggressive, both your mindset, and your grinding. Your poor mortar and pestle would be either empty or rubble at this rate.

Hiccup had tried to talk to you about what had happened on the hunter's ship but... It didn't get anywhere productive. Heather's betrayal was heavy on everyone's mind. Though some were in higher spirits than others. Fishlegs had taken to stop mentioning her all together. Likely to preserve a feeling of willful ignorance.  

Snotlout cried for a few minutes before returning to his usual annoying self. You don't doubt he took it personally, but it was a relief that he was taking it in a way that didn't seem unmanageable. 

The twins were being their usual selves, making light of the situation. Something you were grateful for, watching as the group either lightened or became annoyed. Anything was better than how you and Hiccup were taking it.

Your brother has a habit when it comes to stressful and harmful actions; blame himself and repress. Pointing this out to him of course does nothing but make him more upset. But the younger sister in you makes you do it anyways. Who else was going to call him out? Astrid?

Honestly, yes. But she was taking it a lot better than you thought she would. Though the fact that she was distancing herself from Hiccup was strange. Usually, the two were always together, something you teased the both of them for. 

And you... You would just have to get over it. Silver Tongue was hurt, the others could get themselves hurt at any time, and you were the only doctor on the edge. Just the other day Tuff was attacked by a wolf and was convinced that he was going to turn into a Lycan wing. And it took ages to get Snotlout back to full health after the days of venom, poison, and possible rabies that Ruff had subjected him to for punishment. 

On top of that you needed to pop his nose back into place after Hiccup Knocked him out. Something you did not plan to let him live down. What could you say. The Haddocks were known for their almighty hooks. 

And that was also ignoring the looming threat of the hunters finding out where your base was. The last thing they needed was you going off the deep end and losing your temper. Everyone is a mess right now. They need someone levelheaded for when things get rough. If that meant you would have to swallow your feelings and give up some sleep to avoid nightmares and anxiety bouts, so be it. 

A flash in your peripherals drew your attention towards the window facing the club house. Two flashes; meeting. A groan escaped you as you stood from your hunched over spot on the floor. How long had you been working. And why did you insist on not using the desk. Regardless, ziplining over as fast as possible would be a start.

The ziplines had become necessary for you more than ever. You used them prior, but with a dragon as jealous and hovering as Silver Tongue, there wasn't much need. On the positive side, you were definitely getting muscles from the daily workout. Though it was a pain that the club house was the only place with them. The number of stairs you had walked in the past week alone was enough to make you want to sleep until winter.

"Astrid? You're back already. Is Berk that boring?" you joked, rolling your shoulder as you approached the fire. "Never made it there. Johann Flagged me down on the way to Berk to tell me that he'd seen Ryker, Heatherm and the Dragon Hunters in the Northern Markets buying all the cold weather gear they could get their hands on" she explained.

"Why would you buy winter gear in the summer?" Snotlout raised a brow. Ruff crossed her arms, "Hello. That's when you get the best prices". Tuff nodded. "Ruff is an excellent shopper. She actually got both our outfits, two for the price of one".

"No one's surprised by that" Snot rolled his eyes. 

"Where would the hunters be going that would need heavy weather gear this time of year? Did Johann hear anything else?" Hiccup redirected everyone back on point.

"They needed the gear right away. And they were after something rare. A bone or a claw..." Hiccup answered for her, "Or maybe a tooth?".

"The Snowwraith of course!" Fishlegs cut in, "The dragon Hunters are after the Snowwraith to get one of its teeth".

"Yeah, good luck with that. We barely got out of there alive" Tuff deadpanned. "The dragon eye used to belong to the Hunters. They must know they need a Snowwraith tooth to make it work" hunters going after another dragon? Like Hel you were going to let that happen.

"Who cares? All it means is that they aren't coming our way" Snotlout shrugged. "Where do you think they're going after they get it Snot?" you glared at him.

"If they do get their own key, they'll be coming for us next" Hiccup looked across the group.

"Please tell me you're not thinking what I think you're thinking" Astrid tilted her head to the side and fixed your brother a look. "Oh, he's thinking. That's definitely his thinking face" the twins chided.

"We can't let that happen. Get a good night's sleep, gang. We leave tomorrow at first light" yes! Exactly what you wanted to hear.

"Time to break out the old coats again" Hiccup's eyes moved to you momentarily before turning to Astrid, who fixed him a look.

"Y/N can we talk?" A chorus of ooooos and uh-ohs came from Snotlout and the twins. Rolling your eyes you followed Hiccup outside of the club house. 

"Hey, what's going on?" you asked. Hiccup avoided looking at you shifting his weight from one side to the other, "Y/N... Solver Tongue is in no condition to fly".

"I know. I'll ride on the back of Toothless with you. It's no big deal-" He cut you off. "I just-.... I just think it would be best if you stayed back on this one".

"Stay back? Hiccup, you can't be serious" Hiccup winced at your growing agitation, "Why would I stay back just because Silver tongue needs some rest. I'm not useless!".

"I never said you were! Y/N, you are the only doctor we have here. And on top of that you're my sister.... If Dagur got a hold of you agai-", "Johann didn't say anything about him being there" you argued. 

"But he could be!" you looked him up and down, "You didn't care about any of this before. What changed?".

"I know when you're angry. And the last thing we need is you running off on a revenge mission. Look what that did to Heather" you didn't say anything, choosing to cross your arms and look away. "I can't lose you too. So, can you please promise me you won't leave the edge until you can act without clouded judgment? For me?".

A part of you knew he was right. You wouldn't be focused on finding the Snowwraith if you went. Your mind would be on Ryker the entire time. You would only get in the way.... "Ok. It's for the best". Hiccup pulled you into a tight embrace, "Thank you". 

"I can watch the base until you get back" you plastered a fake smile. "Thats the spirit. Won't be any surprise attacks with you here waiting to rip them a new one" Hiccup pat your back before heading towards his hut.

yeah.... for the best

~~~~~~

(Astrid POV)

"Hey, can I ask a stupid question?" Tuff called fro the air, "You sure can. Better than anyone I know" Ruff bumped him with her elbow, "Thank you sister".

"Hiccup, are we really trying to protect a dragon that the last time we saw it. tried to kill us, from Dragon Hunters, who every time we see them try to kill us? And Heather and her dragon. Don't forget them. They like to try and kill us, too" the twins ask. 

"Heather won't be a problem" Astrid said, almost out of reflex. 

Fishlegs looked at her confused, "Why wouldn't Heather be a problem?". Astrid fumbled for a moment. Looking between her hands and the sky beneath her, anywhere but the others. "Just that we... We outnumber her, right?". 

"Look, Heather or no Heather, all we have to do is find the Snowwraith first and relocate it to an island where the Hunters won't find him".

Astrid tuned out of the rest of the conversation, everything was ok, everything was going to plan. She got the group here without any suspicion, now all they had to do was get the Snowwraith somewhere safe. But first... she had to get away from the others.

Diving down into the storm of the island where the Snowwraith was last, no sign of the was found. 

"This is summer on Glacier island? No wonder they don't get any tourists," said Ruff. "What would their slogan be? If the Snowwraith doesn't kill you, the weather will" Ruff nodded in agreement at her brother. 

"That's a terrible slogan, but the good news is, if we run into any Dragon Hunters, they won't have any luck with those dragon root arrows in this weather" Hiccup smiled.

"And the bad news is" Astrid turned over to see Snotlout covered by the shaking twins, latched onto him for warmth, "What are you doing?".

"It's called body heat management. Also known as the Thorston sandwich, served cold" they said as though it were obvious.

"That's horrifying. Why don't you set up camp. Astrid and I will scout the island" She released some of the grip on her arms she hadn't realized was there. With the weather as bad as it was, and Hiccup offering to go off on their own, sneaking off would be easier than she thought initially. 

"See anything down there?" Hiccup asked over the roaring winds. "I can barely see you half the time" it wasn't a lie, the snow fell like knives in buckets, almost waterboarding them, she just also happened to be nudging in the other direction at an undetectable rate. "Maybe we should split up, cover more ground?" she offered.

"No. Stick together. It's safer. Ok?" she didn't respond, pretending not to hear over the storm.

'Sorry Hiccup' she thought, before diving downwards as the next thrum of the storm blinded them both enough for a swift exit.

Stormfly squawked towards the ground. Looking down at the barely perceivable ridges of the mountain she was able to just make out the faint glow of a campfire. "Easy girl. I see 'em. Let's go in another way" she couldn't be too careful, there was a chance it could be rogue hunters. 

Approaching from the ground confirmed her first thought as they approached on foot, seeing the back of a silver frosted dragon, wings spread wide to protect its rider from the cold.

"Well well well. Heather. Fancy seeing you here. Surprised to see us?" She taunted, having snuck up on them. 

"Surprised?" Heather stood, unsheathing her axe, "not really, I've been listening to you stomp around in the snow for the past five minutes".

"What took you so long" Heather lowered her mask and hood, running into a hug that Astrid was all too eager to respond in kind "Hiccup isn't the easiest person to sneak away from".

"Yeah, Ryker thinks I'm out scouting. How did you get him to come down here. anyways?" the two of them sat next to the fire. "I just told him what you told me but let him think it was coming from Trader Johann. Any problems on your end?".

"Well, Ryker doesn't trust anyone, and Dagur is paranoid, but so far I think I'm okay" that was a relief, "You took care of Dagur?".

"I sent him on a fool's errand, looking for a second Dragon Eye" she laughed. "That should keep him busy. So, fill me in" Heather reached into her side bag to pull out a map of the island, "We've been here two days searching pretty methodically. According to Ryker, the Snowwraith Digs an ice cave to hibernate in during the summer".

"That explains the rush to get out here. Probably to get a tooth from a hibernating Snowwraith", "Exactly" Heather nodded.

"Too bad we don't know where the cave is" Heather looked at her with a snarky grin, telling her that she already did. "Windshear and I spotted a cave on a plateau about halfway up that mountain" she pointed, "You find a way to get Hiccup to check it out. Meanwhile, I'll tell Ryker I didn't find anything and try to keep him as far away as possible".

It was a solid plan but.... "What?" Heather must have been able to read the obvious confliction on her face. "We should tell Hiccup what we're doing, this doesn't feel right" Heather put a hand on her forearm, "No we agreed". Astrid pulled away, holding her elbow, "I've never lied to him before".

"I know. But this is the best way to take the Dragon Hunters down, from the inside". Astrid wasn't fully convinced, as reasonable as Heather was being, leaving Hiccup in the dark felt unnatural, "Hiccup could help us. He's really good at this stuff".

"He also cares too much. If we told Hiccup that I was spying on the Hunters, we both know he would try to pull me out of there. I'm this close to getting to Viggo. I can't quit now" Astrid tried to argue but she wasn't wrong. Just the idea that you would do a fraction of what Heather did was enough for Hiccup to bench you. Something that made Astrid feel guilt to no end over.

Here you were being told to stay home because Hiccup was afraid of you going off on your own, putting yourself and others in danger, and lying. Yet here she was doing exactly that.

"I really hope your right, because if any of the riders got hurt, or you got hurt because I held something back--" Heather put an arm around her shoulders, "Nothing will go wrong. Trust me".

"Just... Please be careful. Hiccup is overwhelmed now as it is. And with no doctor with us--". "No doctor?" Heather asked, "Y/N isn't with you?". 

"Hiccup held her back because he's afraid she'll do what you did to Dagur with Ryker" Heather shifted uncomfortably at the idea "How's Silver Tongue?". Astrid's hand subconsciously drifted to Stormfly, "Not great. Hunter's left him in pretty bad shape. She's barely sleeping with him in this shape". 

"You know...Cooping her up in the edge isn't going to do anything for her either" said Heather, "I may not like him any better, but being able to get a few swings at Dagur put me in less of a rush to bury him". Astrid huffed a laugh, "careful, it's starting to sound like you think he gives good advice".

"I'm just saying he's not always wrong. Ugh, ew. Never mind that felt wrong to say. Just get out of here and save that Snowwraith before I say anything else gross" the two laughed.

~~~~~~

Bored..... bored bored bored bored. You laid on your back, feet against the wall, and upper body hanging up-side-down off the bed. Silver Tongue was busy hogging the majority of it. While Scabbard was busy trying to eat your dangling hair. 

You weren't used to having this much time to yourself. A few weeks ago, you would have begged for this, but now...

Knowing that your own emotions were responsible for you being benched. Why couldn't you just not take things personally. Screw Dagur and his 'you need to express your emotions' ideologies. That train of logic is why you were stuck with a lazy injured lump and mischievous rat while the others were at risk without a doctor.

Maybe you should take up meditation. No, all that would do is leave you either asleep or daydreaming of strangling Ryker. The only reason you weren't imagining it now was Scabbards sharp tugs against your scalp. 

Silver Tongue would be better in a few days, the others would be back in a few hours, and dinner would be finished in a few minutes. All great and positive things, why couldn't you just enjoy that and move on. Be the great pillar of patience and sarcasm the group expected you to be. Like your father. Like your brother. 

Instead, here you were moping, covered in dragon drool, and an ache in your head. "You understand. Right, girl?" Scabbard paused her gummy gnawing on the band of your hair. Blank and thoughtless eyes staring up at you as if you were her world and nothing else mattered.

With a grunt you sat up, shaking away the light headedness and moved to the club house zip line. You admit, holding on for dear life immediately after being up-side-down wasn't the best idea, but you were able to hold on long enough not to plummet down into what likely would be a sprained ankle. 

Cooking was a skill you were mediocre at. You knew how to season, arguably the bast in the group thanks to your knowledge of herbs, but that didn't mean you never burnt or undercooked your meats before. 

Scabbard took her place at your feet, licking her lips as she waited for the inevitable scraps that would come her way. Your nose crinkled at the unmissable black char covering nearly half the mutton. "If they didn't want burnt food, they shouldn't have left me alone to do it" you reasoned, throwing a large chunk onto the floor where your ravenous dragon was quick to inhale and link the floor clean. 

The unmistakable sound of wings beating alerted you that the others were no doubt back sooner than you anticipated. "Ugh, what caught fire in here" Tuff complained, fanning the residual smoke away. "Suck it " you glared at him. "No thank you, I prefer medium rare".

"How did it go?" you asked watching as the others filed in, unreadable expressions plastering them all. All except for Hiccup and Astrid that is. "I don't know why don't you tell me Astrid?" Your brother asked, betrayal and hurt evident.

Astrid crossed her arms as she looked across the room, guilt clear, "Heather pretended to join Dagur to get close to him to avenge her family. When she found out about his alliance with the Dragon Hunters, she decided to get closer to him to find out more".

"Wait, Heather is a spy?" you asked incredulously to no reply.

"But when Ryker captured us on the ship you and Heather were fighting all the time" Ruff pointed out, confused.

"That's what we wanted you to think" Snotlout interrupted. "Heather's not evil? There goes that dream". Fishlegs clasped his hands together and cooed, "Aw, I knew she had a good heart".

"Hiccup, would you say something? Please" Astrid asked as he avoided eye contact, "We're supposed to be a team Astrid".

"I know. I should've told you. I wanted to. I really did-","But you didn't" the others pursed their lips, drowning in secondhand embarrassment. "I'm sorry. But without Heather, the Dragon Hunters would have a key to the Dragon Eye right now and those Snowwraiths would not be safely hidden on another island".

"That still doesn't explain why you wouldn't let me take her and Ryker down. We could have captured the head of the Dragon Hunters" Hiccup argued.

"Hiccup, Ryker isn't the head of the Dragon Hunters" you all looked at her caught off guard, "According to Heather, their real leader is somebody named Viggo Grimborn".

"Awesome name. Scary, but awesome" Ruff shook her head in thought. "I don't know Viggo Grimdeath would be cooker. Or how about Gore Grimskull. Grimskull!~" Tuff sang out before you elbowed him in the ribs to get him to shut up.

"He lives in the shadows. Everyone's afraid of him, even Ryker. Heather hasn't met him yet, but she's our best shot at drawing him out" to Astrid's and admittedly your chagrin, Hiccup turned away. After a moment of thought, "Well, I hope she knows what she's doing. For all our sake".

The group let out a silent breath of relief that they wouldn't be stuck with grumpy stick up the rear Hiccup and began to eat dinner or file into their rooms. 

"Great. Astrid keeps secrets and gets a slap on the wrist, meanwhile I get grounded" you said to yourself, intending to be joking, but hurt still evident.

"You're not grounded Y/N" Hiccup said, having eaves dropped on your conversation with yourself.

"I just didn't want you going after Ryker by yourself in the snow without a dragon" you rolled your eyes, "Like I'd be that dumb". Your brother side eyed you.

You smirked, "I'd steal your dragon and go after him" you joked, turning away from him as he mocked offence.

For the best, you told yourself. For the best.

Taglist

~~~~

@demogorgon-master1

@mj-jabami

@alicee-carter

@amearla

@milenaester14

[sutherkins]

peter sutherland x neurodivergent!reader 💌

this is very self indulgent lmao. i tried to keep the mental stuff vague so you can hopefully imagine any mental illness in place of stuff besides the reader clearly having adhd because i have adhd. i hope anyone who reads this is able to relate and feel understood and comforted <3

warnings: mention of recreational drug use, reader is in between ages of 21-25 (i’m 23, so)

it’s not like you were opposed to telling peter about your medication. if he asked, you wouldn’t lie. you just didn’t want to be the first to bring it up. you knew you shouldn’t be ashamed of having to be on medication, and you knew he would never judge you, but you couldn’t help it.

that lasted for a couple months. your meds wore off around four or five in the afternoon and because of this, a lot of the time you got to spend with peter before he had to go to work was spent holding yourself back and trying to keep your symptoms closed off in an area he couldn’t see.

but now there was a problem. peter was somehow able to manage a couple weeks of vacation time in order to spend more time with you, real time he had always called it. he hated only getting to spend a couple hours with you each day just as much as you did, which was why he asked you to stay with him at a cabin he owned during his time away from work.

you said yes, of course. you figured he’d eventually find out during the trip, so you tried to relax at the thought of the conversation at the very least happening in a comforting environment. you’d just finished packing your bags when peter walked down the hallway of his apartment complex to your door and knocked. you smiled, you’d given him a key already so he didn’t need to knock, he came over all the time anyway. you liked that he did it anyways, always respectful of your privacy and space.

“you ready?” peter asked while grabbing your bags and walking them down to his car.

you nodded excitedly and hopped into the passenger seat, the car already full with snacks for the drive and your favorite music playing on the radio.

the two of you sat in comfortable silence until your meds started to kick in, kicking your energy into high gear and making it practically impossible for you to keep your mouth shut. you were worried he would start to get annoyed by so much chitchat but he didn’t seem to mind, intently listening to everything you had to say and responding when needed. he even laughed a couple times which was a victory in your book.

you arrived at the cabin soon after, beaming at the cabin and then at peter. “sorry for talking so much. i didn’t annoy you, did i?”

“of course not, pretty girl. it’s just your meds kicking in. nothing wrong with that. besides, i love listening to you.” he quickly grabbed the bags from his trunk and started leading you to the front door.

once you got inside you tilted your head, peter setting the bags down on the floor. “wait, how did you know i take medication?”

“i’ve seen it in your bathroom cabinet. ‘take one every morning’.” he quotes the label that’s printed on the bottle. “it’s for adhd, right?”

your face scrunched, “well, yes. i never outright told you so i just assumed you didn’t know. you don’t mind?”

peter grabbed your hand and led you to the couch in the living room, silently telling you to get comfortable while he got a fire started. “why would i mind? there’s nothing wrong with it.”

“no, i know. i mean, i know you know that too. my brain just…likes to lie to me sometimes. im guessing this also means you saw the other meds i take, then?” sighing, you squeezed his hand in need of reassurance.

“yeah. and just to repeat myself, there’s still nothing wrong with you or taking medication. whether it’s for adhd, anxiety, depression, insomnia… anything really. it doesn’t change the way i see you and it never has.” peter squeezed your hand in response, leaning over to kiss your cheek.

cheeks quickly turning red, you groaned and leaned your head onto his shoulder, hiding your face behind your hands.

he was having none of it, moving your hands and replacing them with his own, cupping your cheeks. “hey, hey, hey…none of that. you don’t need to hide with me.”

“i know, i know. i just need reminding sometimes.” smiling softly, you gazed at his loving expression, his thumb gently rubbing back and forth on your skin.

“i’m happy to do it.” moments pass before you hear peters voice again, now wavering from trying not to laugh. “im happy to try some of those edibles you have too. i saw you packed ‘em in your bag. did you really think i wouldn’t notice you getting high?”

“peter!” you poked his side until he fell backwards laying on the couch, your legs straddling his hips. “it’s for my anxiety. and for fun.” his hands immediately shift to rest on your waist, grinning up at you. “i think i’m a bad influence on you.”

he snorts. “oh, definitely. i kinda like it though.”

[shina913]

Stalemate, Part 2 | MYG

Stalemate (Mini-series)

Definition:  (1) Chess. a position of the pieces in which a player cannot move any piece except the king and cannot move the king without putting it in check. (2) any position or situation in which no action can be taken or progress made; deadlock

Pairing: Woodworker!Yoongi x Fem!Reader

Rating: M 🔞; NSFW

Genre: breakup!AU; toxic relationships; angst; fluff; smut; heavy drama

Summary: "The truth is, I'm not afraid to take that gamble anymore...in the off-chance that I get lucky again and feel the way I felt when I was with you. I'd happily make that bet over and over."

Word count: 8K+ words

Warnings (more written in individual chapters): ANGST; problematic exes; relationship insecurities; alcohol consumption; cussing; miscommunication; past infidelity (reader had an affair with a married man but not detailed); vulnerable confessions; jealousy; verbal confrontation; lots of crying; it just gets really dramatic

A/N: Okay so...now this final installment is just...ANGST...but with payoff (I think)??? Anyway, this is un-beta'd so I hope the story makes sense!

Now…

“You think he’s still butthurt about the whole thing?” Hyejin asks.

“I don’t know what to think.” You shrugged and took a sip of your drink. “I thought we had a clean break.”

She rolled her eyes. “That’s what you think. Is this the first time you two have seen each other since things ended?”

Narrowing your lips into a thin line, you nodded. Her eyebrows lift in disbelief. “Wow…really?”

“Yep,” you say, popping the ‘p.’

“But how is that possible? He still hangs out with Namjoon and with the gallery’s construction–”

You shrugged. “I don’t know, Hye…somehow, our meetings with you guys never overlapped.” You figured part of it was due to Namjoon’s very meticulous planning.

Hyejin’s eyes widened. “Damn. And is it true that you both unfollowed each other on your socials?”

You let out an exasperated breath. “Come on, Hyejin. Isn’t that just sort of a natural thing to do after you break up? How many of your exes do you have on your socials?”

She grimaced. “Uhm…a few of them?”

Now it was your turn to bulge your eyes at her. “What?”

“Yeah. They’re still on my list.”

Your mouth falls open. “Do you ever view their profile, lurk, and see what they’re up to?”

“No, not like that,” she says. “They pop up because they’re on my feed but not because I actively seek them. They’re just there…it’s like a useless appendage or something.”

“But why even keep them there in the first place if they serve no purpose?”

“I don’t know. It’s just not a huge deal to me. I don’t bear any ill will toward them and I hope they think the same of me.”

“What does Namjoon think about all that?”

“It’s whatever. His ex is still on his list but it’s not something that keeps me up at night,” she explains. Then she gasps, looks at you, and remembers something. “Shit, I'm sorry. No offense, babe.” She reaches across to squeeze your hand assuringly.

You smile and appreciate her consideration. “None taken, babe.”

Hyejin smiles back. “Anyway, Joon and I have an understanding that all of those relationships are done. It’s about us now.”

You sigh in frustration, recalling how things went down with Yoongi. “I guess I wish everyone was in the same mindset as you both are.”

“Put it this way—I’m not bothered by it and neither is Namjoon. But if one day, he suddenly asks me to delete them off my list then I would do it, no question.”

“Really?” You did your best to hide your skepticism. Hyejin normally didn’t allow her man to dictate what she could and couldn’t do in her life.

“I would do it out of love and respect for him. If I asked him to do the same, he would too. It’s not about trying to prove a point or compromising your beliefs to please your partner. This person, whom you love, is setting clear boundaries. The question is whether you love that person enough to set a new boundary so you can honor theirs. It all depends on the situation!”

“I don’t know, Hye–you’re always so headstrong, though.”

“And so are you, YN. It’s why we’re besties,” she giggles. “But you know, when you find the right person,” she looks off into the distance and catches Namjoon’s eye, making her smile fondly, “…You wouldn’t mind loosening the reins a bit.”

You took a long swig of your drink. “Wow…you’ve changed Ms. Ahn.”

“Yeah, sometimes we need to embrace change. Although, I do miss my hoe-ing days every now and then,” she winked at you.

Truthfully, you envied her. When you and Yoongi were together, she would tease you about monogamy, yet she was always so supportive of your relationship.

You shook your head. “Well…personally, I feel like cleaning out your social media timeline is a way to move on.”

“That’s just part of it, babe. If a person wants to move on, they can and will…with or without social media.” Just then, she looks past your shoulder as something new catches her eye.

You turn your head in curiosity to find Yoongi craning his neck through the crowd as if searching for someone, until his eyes land on you. You locked gazes for a few seconds before he started moving toward you. You quickly turn away.

“Looks like he wants to talk,” Hyejin remarks. As Yoongi closes in, you see him from your peripheral vision.

“I’m gonna go check on Namjoonie,” she says with a small smile at you. Before she walks away, she gives Yoongi a quick nod.

Then…

After a marathon of morning calls and virtual meetings, you took advantage of the lull to stretch your legs and maybe attempt to have lunch with Yoongi. He’s been insanely busy with projects as well and though you stayed over at each other’s places often, you barely spent quality time together in the last week.

You emerge from the room and hear anxious mumbling by his workshop.

“Hey,” you poked your head from the corner to see him in the middle of a tense conversation with Namjoon.

“Hey, YN!”

“Joon! Yoongi didn’t mention that you were stopping by!” You walked over to give him a hug.

“Oh, it was just a pit stop for me, among other things I'm supposed to do today,” he smiled.

“Why don't you stay for lunch? I’m making–”

“That won’t be necessary,” Yoongi says curtly, making you recoil. Yoongi sees the worried expression on your face and tries to remedy it. “What I mean to say is, Namjoon was on his way out anyway and he just told me that he’s got a full afternoon ahead.”

You turn to Namjoon, who grimaces. “I…appreciate the offer, YN but Yoongi’s right. I’ve got a lot of errands to run. Maybe next time, huh?”

“Sure, of course!” You look at him and back at Yoongi and decide not to push any further. You already knew that one of Yoongi’s clients has been extra demanding so you were on a need-to-know basis.

You leave the workshop and walk into the kitchen to check the pantry. He hadn’t gone grocery shopping in a while so instead of trying to make something, you just pull up the food delivery app on your phone to order something more convenient.

“Jagi, is there anything in particular that you’re craving for?”

“No, baby. Surprise me,” he answers distantly, continuing his conversation with Namjoon.

While placing the order, you couldn’t help but eavesdrop on their argument through the divider.

“Bro, I don’t know how you could have just let the deadline pass. Jiwon placed the order months ago and I get here and you’ve got other orders getting picked up for shipment. Orders that were placed after hers. You said that it was totally doable–”

“I know what I said, Namjoonah!” He lets out a frustrated groan. “Look, just tell Jiwon that we ran into a supplier issue. I’ll fucking fix it, okay?”

“What the fuck do you expect me to tell her?”

“Can’t you figure that part out? Isn’t this why you’re the client relations half of this business?”

You hear footsteps approach in your direction so you retreat back into the bedroom and pretend that this was just a regular business squabble between friends.

Namjoon lets out a grunt of annoyance.

“Okay, look,” Yoongi relents. “Just stop stressing out. I’ll call Jiwon myself later to let her know that her shit will get done. Alright?”

Namjoon nods. “Thanks, man. She’s in a pissy mood. Better you than me.”

******

The weekend finally arrives and you and Yoongi have plans.

You were such a nervous wreck that you start to flap your elbows as if they were wings to cool your sweaty armpits. You were meeting Yoongi’s mom tonight for dinner. She lives a few hours away and rarely visits. She was looking forward to getting to know the new woman in her son’s life.

You make your way in front of the mirror, fluffing your hair and doing some final checks on your makeup. You lean in closer and flash your teeth, making sure that you didn’t have any lipstick stains on them.

“How much longer do you need?” Yoongi asks while he leans against the doorframe. Looking at his reflection, he was handsome as ever with his hair pulled back in a ponytail and a casual look. As much as you enjoyed him dressed in his coveralls while he worked, you always considered his date-night looks a treat.

“Two minutes.” You smooth your dress one more time and turn around to make sure that your skirt didn’t have any creases on it.

“We’re just meeting my mom for dinner, not the queen.”

“I know that. I just want to make a good impression,” you rationalized. “How do I look?” You turn to him and put your hands to the sides, presenting yourself. 

“Beautiful,” he says with a soft smile.

******

Your laughs ring through the restaurant after Yoongi’s mom make a cheeky joke at her son’s expense.

“Eomma…” He warns.

“Lighten up, adeul! It’s just a little joke.”

“Sure, ma,” he responds dryly.

She sipped on her wine and turns her attention to you. “You know, YN, I really like you! You’re just so…gah…the word is escaping me right now!”

You tensed up in anticipation of the next word that would come out of her mouth.

“Refreshing! That’s what I meant to say. You’re such a breath of fresh air!” She exclaims.

Your shoulders visibly relax at the compliment.

“Thank you, Mrs. Min–”

“Please, call me eomma,” she smiled warmly. “Let’s skip the formalities! Even better, we should get together for drinks sometime–” then she puts her hand up to the side of her mouth as if to whisper in an exaggerated manner to you, “You know, without Mr. Grumpy Cat here,” she mumbled.

You both giggle like close girlfriends while Yoongi rolls his eyes.

“I’d love that, eomma! Why don’t we exchange numbers after this and we can get something on our calendars?” You proposed.

His mom beamed. “Excellent! The sooner, the better!”

You smiled excitedly at how well you were warming up to Yoongi’s mom. You had a very different idea of how this night was going to turn out. The server comes by to check in, asking if there was anything else that they can get you. You picked up your wineglass and polished off whatever was left in it.

“Can I please get another glass of cabernet?” You ask him.

“Of course, miss.” He asks the rest of the table, to which his mom requests that her glass be topped off as well. Yoongi declines.

“You know, I should say–I’m shocked that Yoongi let you order that second glass of wine.”

Your brows creased in confusion. You cleared your throat, “I…beg your pardon?” You ask slowly.

“Well, back then, Jiwon–Yoongi’s ex–she didn’t drink much. On the rare occasion that she did, Yoongi made sure to cap it at a glass. She was always uptight, that one. Nice girl, very formal, comes from a good family. But oof…so uptight. Unfortunately, that’s Yoongi’s type though…” she remarks flippantly. 

Yoongi shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “Eomoni…please!”

“Was there something wrong with what I said? Are we not supposed to talk about Jiwon? We’re just having a conversation here.”

You shift your attention to Yoongi’s direction, where he keeps his eyes low. Yoongi himself had never mentioned her name to you, but you knew of their history.

You’d heard that name before…it was the same name of the person that he and Namjoon were arguing about recently. 

Deep down, you sincerely hoped that those were two different Jiwons.

******

The rest of dinner goes on without any further awkward conversations about certain ex-fiancees. You bid his mom farewell and promise to give her a call to schedule a girls’ night when she’s back in town.

Yoongi, on the other hand, looks exhausted when you get in the car. “I can drive if you’re too–”

“Nah, it’s fine. You had a couple glasses. Besides, it’s a short ride, I can manage.”

After a few minutes of silence, you break the tension on the drive back to his place.

“Your mom is so adorable. I love her!” You beamed excitedly.

“Yeah, seems like you two really hit it off. I didn’t realize you had a lot in common,” he says wryly.

You laughed. “What’s the matter with you? Aren’t you glad that your mom and I are getting along well?”

“Of course I am,” he replies, still looking straight ahead down the road, his expression unreadable.

“If you’re happy then why do you look like someone just kicked your puppy? Was it because she mentioned Jiwon?”

He lets out a frustrated groan. “Please! Can we not bring that up again?”

“Is it because she’s a princess who doesn’t drink and obeys everything that you ask her to do?”

“YN, please!” He smacks his hand on the steering wheel. “Please…just…let’s not hash that out, okay?”

You hold your tongue and cross your arms over your chest, seething the rest of the way back.

When he pulls into the driveway, he turns off the engine, then steps out of the car while you remain in the passenger seat.

“Are you throwing a tantrum?”

“No,” you say shortly.

He gets back in the car and coaxes the information out of you. “Come on, what’s going through your mind?”

“I was just thinking–maybe I shouldn’t have ordered that second glass of wine.”

He lets out a sound of exasperation and grips his forehead. “Are we still on that?”

“No, really though…maybe…” you shrug, “I don’t know, maybe I should be more like Jiwon? You know, a good girl.”

“What is your point, YN?”

“My point, Yoongi, is…why are you with me?”

“Why am I with you? W-what do you mean?”

“Why do you love me?” You press him.

He stares at you, taken aback by your interrogation. “Why do I love you?” He repeats. “What kind of a question is that?”

“A legitimate one!”

He scoffs angrily. “I don’t have time to deal with this shit right now, YN…I’m stressed, and I’m–”

“Okay. I get it,” you huff. You grab your coat and purse and step out of the car.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” He barked.

“I’m calling a rideshare to take me back home!” You spat over your shoulder, pulling up your app to summon a car.

“YN, you’re being ridiculous!”

“Just leave me alone. It seems like you need a little bit of space. So I will give you that!”

At half past 1AM, your phone buzzes while you lie awake in bed. You picked it up off the nightstand to see Yoongi’s name and face flashing on your screen.

You second-guess answering…but you were the idiot who picked a fight with him. You press the green button and hold the phone to your ear, saying nothing.

“Baby…come home, please,” he begs you.

“I don’t know…I just need some time,” was all you say before you both hang up.

After another half an hour of pathetically staring up at your ceiling, you sat up and swing your legs over the edge of the bed. Like a lovesick puppy, you put on your sweats, call another rideshare to take you back to his house, where you crawl to bed and into his waiting arms.

Now…

“Hey,” Yoongi says awkwardly as he approaches you.

“Hi,” you say icily. You couldn’t forget the comments he made to Namjoon about you while you were in the bathroom.

“Uh, listen…I just wanted to apologize.”

“Apologize? What for?”

“Y-you know,” he stutters. “I didn’t mean what I said.”

“Which part exactly?” You ask him. “That I’m loud and bring too much drama with me? Or that I’m a bad cook?” You scoffed. “I used to cook for you all those nights when you had no time to make yourself a meal because you were so busy with work. You used to say that you loved my cooking!”

“You weren’t a terrible cook,” you counters. “I just…I was being stupid.”

“Oh, I know,” you tell him and laughed softly.

Moments of uncomfortable silence later, he asks, “So uh…how’ve you been?”

“I’m good,” you answer sincerely. “You?”

“Great,” he replies. “Are you…here with anyone?”

You chuckled at his forwardness. “No, but I’m supposed to meet someone in an hour.”

His lips parted slightly, “Ah, I see,” he smiled tightly. “Like…a date or…a boyfriend?”

“What’s it to you?” You smiled enigmatically. 

“Just trying to make conversation...and I was just curious.” He looked like he wanted to say more after that but he looks away and takes a swig of his drink.

“What about you? Did you bring a date?”

He shook his head. “I haven’t spent enough time with anyone to bring them to things like this.”

“I see,” you answer. “So, just casually dating, huh?”

“What’s it to you?” He returns your question.

“Touche!” You both chuckled.

“I thought you were going to start mouthing off to me and Namjoon earlier by the bathrooms,” he laughs.

You swat the air. “Old YN may have but…I’m a changed woman now.”

“Oh, really?” He asks.

“Yeah. You know, it’s been a while and I’ve changed my ways. I try to watch what I say these days.”

Yoongi smiles guiltily.

“Besides, I used to talk shit about you all the time so…I think we’re even now.”

“Oh you have, haven’t you?”

“Oh yeah…many times! A bitch was bitter back then,” you laughed.

“I’d love to hear this!” He leans in excitedly.

“Hear what?”

“Tell me what you used to say about me.”

Chuckling, you eventually relent. “Hmm…okay, let’s see.” While you try to recall all of the angst that you used to spew at Hyejin, you are briefly distracted by his fingers, drumming lazily on the bar’s surface.

You blink away memories of his hands and other things that they were capable of. “Well, my biggest issue with you was that you had trouble letting go of the past.”

“Interesting,” he remarks.

“That, plus you were a pushover,” you added.

He doubles over in laughter. When he calms down, he says, “So…I get too hung on up on the past and I’m a pushover. That’s why you left me?”

You cock your head to the side and turn serious. “C’mon. You know exactly why I left you.”

Then…

You drive down Yoongi’s street to find a sleek SUV blocking his driveway. You didn’t recognize it but figured it may have been a client trying to meet with him to oversee their order’s progress. Not a huge deal, you thought. You parked a block away instead.

You walk through the door with a box of pastries that you picked up on the way from your place. Yoongi loved their almond croissants so you grabbed a couple extra as a treat.

You caught sight of him standing in the workshop, deep in conversation with some unseen guests who were obscured by the divider.

With a big smile, you walk toward him to greet him. He sees you out of the corner of his eyes and a look of panic mars his features. “YN…hey.” He was surprised to see you.

You turn your attention to the two other people in the room–Namjoon and an unknown female who was crouched down, closely inspecting the legs on these accent chairs that Yoongi had tirelessly worked on for weeks.

“Hey, YN,” Namjoon greets you, while you are yet to be acknowledged by this persnickety client dressed in a designer shift dress and equally expensive heels. Her hair was pulled back in a neat ponytail...not a strand out of place.

A chill ran down your spine, making you wrap your arms protectively around your chest.

“Why are the legs uneven?” Were the first words you hear out of her mouth. “And it looks like a few of them don’t even have any finishing coats yet.”

Her voice was small, but firm in tone. It sounded like the type that was used in professional settings or presentations. It was also the type that turned shrill when provoked.

She looks at Yoongi pointedly, awaiting his answer.

“Uh, by the way, this is Jiwon, my client. Jiwon, this is YN.”

You arched an eyebrow in realization. “Oh…hi there,” you say a little too loudly. You stuck your hand out to her, offering a handshake. Her eyes flicked down to your hand while her face remained stiff. There was a slight wince in her nose, as if she smelled something bad.

Before you withdraw your hand in embarrassment, she clasps her hand in yours to shake it gently. “Hi. Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, too. I’m Yoongi’s girlfriend,” you add.

She smiles tightly and proceeds with her inspection on the products.

Namjoon stands there, breaking a sweat, seemingly stuck in limbo. The tension in the room was so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

“I brought some pastries, by the way. I got you your favorite, ja–” 

“That’s great. Uhm, could you just put in the kitchen? We’re a little busy here,” Yoongi says, while closely following Jiwon’s every move.

“Oh.” The shortness of his tone stung you, but you soldier on, marking your territory.

“Anyone want anything to drink? Coffee, maybe?”

“I-I’ll take one,” Namjoon says.

“What about you, Jiwon?”

“She doesn’t drink coffee,” Yoongi answers for her.

Jiwon turns her head toward you. "I'm good, thanks for the offer," she says, before continuing her inspection.

Your chest feels tight all of a sudden but you don’t make it obvious. Instead, you smile politely and leave them to do their business.

You move into the kitchen to set your box of pastries aside then set up the single-brew machine to make some coffee for Namjoon.

Distantly, you hear their conversation through the wall.

“I don’t know. I’m really disappointed in the quality. Even the upholstering is mediocre. They look and feel rushed." She narrows her eyes at him. "What’s going on?”

Yoongi nervously clears his throat. “Nothing. All that stuff's fixable,” he says evenly. "All I need is a couple more days to do it.”

“If I give you an extension, can you actually deliver on the quality this time?”

“Of course! You don’t need to worry about a thing,” he answers confidently.

“Alright," she says with a hint of reluctance. "How much time do you need? And is this going to cost me extra?”

“I’ll, uh…I’ll eat up the cost since it was an issue on my end. And regarding timing–”

“How are you gonna get this all done? Are you sure that you can do this?”

“Yes, I told you–there’s nothing to worry about. I’ll hire more guys and pay overtime. We’ll get this done for you.”

You notice how he doesn't mind calmly and patiently reassuring her multiple times, no matter how many times she asks the same question to him in different forms and verbiage. Meanwhile, he starts getting annoyed when you ask him what he wants for dinner multiple times, after deferring to you to decide.

She's seemingly satisfied with his affirmations, she relents. “Okay. I guess Namjoon and I can just circle back?” She turns to Namjoon, who nods in agreement.

All three of them walk toward the front door.

“Yeah, just call him. Or you can call me directly to follow up, too.” Yoongi offers.

“I’ll just reach out to both of you, I guess,” she answers dryly

You peek from the kitchen just in time to see her give Yoongi a lingering hug. “Thanks again, Yoongi. I really appreciate this.”

“Of course…anything for you, Jiwon.”

With that, your heart sinks to your stomach and you suddenly have the urge to vomit. You retreat into the bathroom and hurl but nothing comes out.

******

Later that evening, you were working late on the restaurant revamp contract. You had to place a call to your other supplier to make sure that their quote was still good since the client had asked for it to be adjusted, for the fifth time.

It was a good thing you’d work with this supplier for nearly a decade now. You pretty much had the owner on speed-dial.

Unfortunately, Yoongi was planning on pulling an all-nighter so he could finish one project to make fixes to the other project that he messed up.

“Jagiii!” You yell out from his bedroom, hoping he’d hear from all the loud banging he was making.

“Yeah?” he bellowed from his workshop.

“Could I just have five minutes for a phone call?”

“Can’t you just take your call outside?” He responds.

That was weird, you thought. You could, technically, take the call outside but you needed your laptop and documents in front of you in order to make changes in real-time. 

You walked out of the bedroom and into his workshop. “Please? It’s only for a few minutes. I just really need to sweet-talk this supplier so I can get this contract sealed.”

“No!" he bristles. "I’m so behind on this project already. Every minute counts!”

You scoffed. “Seriously? What’s five minutes? This project’s already delayed. Not to mention that your backlog is nuts–”

He looked up at you and snapped, “Exactly! Do you think my work is easy? Do you think any of this–” he waved his arm at the room, “...is easy?”

You chuckled at his abrupt change in tone. “What the hell crawled up your ass?”

He huffed out a breath. “I’m saying, that I hate how you think that I can just chill every time and pull me away from my work–”

“Woah-woah,” you stop him right then. “I never said anything like that. I’m literally asking for five minutes and you’re here getting your panties in a twist.”

He tosses the mallet and piece of metal sheeting haphazardly on his work table. He raked his fingers through his hair in exasperation. “See, this is why I can’t get this damned thing done–”

“You can’t or won’t?”

“What?” He asks, utterly confused.

“You can’t get it done or you don’t want to get it done because you want to delay it further? Because getting it done means the end of your contract with her.” You walk away from the workshop and into the living room.

“Are we really going to argue about this again?” He asks, still standing in his workshop.

“Yes!” You say loudly from the other room.

Seconds later, you see him round the corner and join you. “Why? Why do we need to argue about this? What’s the point?” 

You let out a sharp breath scowled at him. “I heard the way you talked to her! Going out of your way to pay your guys overtime, moving your whole schedule around to deliver her shit…and that goodbye hug?” You let out a pained, mocking laugh.

You held off for as long as you could but you were already deep into a jealous rage. The way he spoke so gently to her, trying to assure her that she didn’t need to stress off her order. Offering to cover the extra expenses, was too much.

“She’s a client and we just happen to have a history. So?”

His flippant comment further incensed you.

"That's the point! You have history!"

He groaned. “You're getting pissed at this? When it was pretty much the same situation from when we ran into your married guy.”

“My married g—" You scoff at him. "Now you’re turning this conversation about me? My past?”

“Well, yeah! You acted all weird when we saw what’s-his-face!” He retorts.

“Right, but in my case, that was the first time I’d seen him in a while. Have I seen him again since then? No. But you? You are working with Jiwon, day in and out!” You exclaim angrily.

“‘Call me directly…’” You say mockingly. “‘Anything for you...'”

“We have a professional relationship, okay? She is my client.”

“Couldn’t you get different clients? It’s not like you have a shortage in your backlog.” You countered.

“Jiwon has been my longtime client. I’ve made many connections because of her.”

You clenched your jaw and seethed.

“You go out to dinners and have drinks with your clients all the time! You come home late after partying all night,” he scolds.

“I am not partying!” You argue.

“Sure,” he says sarcastically.

“At least I was never engaged to any of my clients,” you countered bitterly.

He glared at you. “So she’s my ex-fiancee, big fucking deal! The operative term, being ‘ex,’ okay? What is your point here, exactly? Why are you getting all worked up about this?”

You stood up from the couch and angrily stomped toward him. “Because it hurts my feelings! And I can’t help but think that you still want her.”

“But I don’t! I love you!” He insists.

“Why do you love me?” You asked in a sudden, calmer tone.

“What?” He’s taken aback by how unreasonable and ridiculous you were sounding.

“I’m asking--Why. Do you. Love me.” You punctuate each phrase. “Why are you with me? Are you with me just to prove to yourself, or to her that you’ve moved on?”

“Why are you being like this? We’re arguing in circles here!” He yells out in frustration.

“Okay, fine. I’ll make it easier for you then. Let me ask you this–are you really over her? Because if you’re not…fuck…just tell me and we can put a stop to this craziness right now.”

“I’m with you, aren’t I? What else do you want from me?”

Heat prickled at your forehead and you start to taste bile in the back of your throat. What else do you want from me? Like he was doing you a fucking favor?

“What I really want to know from you is–why is it that my ex is a problem for you? So I ran into the guy. A guy whom I haven’t had any contact with at all since I ended things and still haven’t had contact after the fact? And yet, you expect me to be completely fine with you communicating regularly with your ex? ”

The silence is deafening as he’s despondent for a minute. At this point, the tears flow freely down your cheeks.

“Don’t you think there’s anything wrong with that?” You ask him pointedly.

“I don’t see it that way.”

It wasn’t the answer that you were expecting so you drive your point home. “And you wouldn’t consider breaking off a working relationship with your ex-fiancee even after I’ve told you that the amount of access that she has to you makes me feel insecure and uncomfortable?”

Yoongi shook his head slowly. “I just can’t drop a longtime client like that.”

“You mean you won’t drop her.”

“Please, just listen–”

“You know how I feel right now?” You interrupt him. “I feel like a shiny new thing that you’re just using to prove to yourself that you’re over her. It makes me feel like a piece of shit.”

He squeezes his eyes shut, a pained expression on his face. “You think I’m using you as a rebound? Is that it?”

“Aren’t I? Maybe you only liked me because I’m the complete opposite of her! You know, I’m loud, I like to go out…I drink…I’m fun…” You swipe at the tears that spilled out of your eyes. “I’m not the type you bring home to mom. Not the type you’d marry, right?”

“For fuck’s sake…can you stop thinking that everyone’s out to hurt you?”

“Do you really love me?” You ask him point blank.

He returns your gaze and held it there for a minute before answering. “Yes, of course I do.”

“More than you love her?”

He is dumbfounded by your question. It was unexpected but you needed to know…desperately. You needed to know to help put your fears aside. Unable to meet your gaze, he looks away.

His reticence told you that you were at an impasse. Locked in a stalemate, without any moves left.

Swallowing what felt like glass shards down your throat, you say, “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” You turn on your heel and walk off.

The next morning, you packed up your things and left.

Now…

“So who did you love more, me or Jiwon?”

Growing flustered by your invasive question, he panics. “What is this, an interrogation?”

“Oh, come on…” you say in jest. “We’re just two people having an open conversation here.”

“Are you serious?” He laughs, his gummy smile in full display. “So I really have to answer that?”

“Do I look like I’m kidding? It’s not like we have ties to each other anymore. We’ve had enough time apart, time to think things through.”

“Why do you need to know so badly?”

“Because! I feel like I’m entitled to that information,” you say in a light, joking tone. Then, you turn a bit more serious. “Also…we used to care about each other at one point in our lives. I feel that I’ve earned the right to ask.”

He shifts his weight between his feet, taking a sip of his drink–you hoped–would help give him the extra push to answer. Except, he doesn’t and instead grins shyly.

“Still no answer, Mr. Min? Alright, fine!” You raise your hands in defeat. “I’ll give you easier one.” You cleared your throat. “Are you still scared?”

He finds your question humorous. “Scared of what?” He clarifies.

“Repeating the whole process. To start from scratch again–the whole getting to know one another…falling in love…only to be faced with the possibility of it not working out. We talked about that a long time ago, remember?”

His face visibly relaxed. “I do…very clearly, in fact, now that you mention it.”

“And?”

He moistened his lips and stared straight at you. “The truth is, I'm not afraid to take that gamble anymore...in the off-chance that I get lucky again and feel the way I felt when I was with you. I'd happily make that bet over and over.”

You feel your throat tighten in an instant. Your mouth opens to suck in a sharp breath. “Damn.” You start to fan yourself…now you were all flustered.

He kept his eyes on you. They wordlessly profess everything he’s been feeling all those years that you spent apart.

“And I agree that you’re entitled to know that I loved you more.”

You were at a loss. All that pomp and confidence that you felt had shriveled up at his confession.

“Well, you asked. So there you go.”

You laughed. “I know…I deserved that,” you say uncomfortably.

Your speechlessness makes him smirk triumphantly, making you both chuckle and effectively breaking the tension.

From a distance, the music fades under the chatter while Namjoon’s voice booms through the microphone. “Good evening, everybody!”

You and Yoongi turn your attention to the middle of the room, where Namjoon stood along with Hyejin.

“I just wanted to thank you all for coming out tonight. I’m so happy that I have great friends and partners who are huge supporters of local art. We have so much talent here that we need to foster and grow. I’m glad that we have a space to promote this art so that other people can familarize themselves with it and appreciate it as well. I’d like to thank my friends who have enabled me and listen to me whine about this concept for years–it’s finally happening! And of course, my fiancee–Hyejin…baby, thank you for being patient with me and supporting my dream. I love you so much!” The crowd gushes as he pulls her in for a sweet kiss.

“And with that, let’s keep this party going, huh?” Namjoon hands the microphone back to the DJ and the music swells once more.

Yoongi turns to you suddenly. “Do you want to dance?”

You laugh, “Seriously?”

“Why not? It’s the least you can do for me after I bared my soul to you,” he says.

You roll your eyes playfully at him. “Alright! Just one song,” you say to him.

You both make your way to the makeshift dancefloor and start bobbing your head to the beat. You sway your hips to the music while you both sing along to a song familiar to both of you.

As the music plays on, the crowd gathers around you, pushing you closer together.

Although you are hyper-aware of his presence and proximity, you continue to dance to the beat. You vaguely feel his hand on the small of your back, in a sort of protective stance while the crowd closes in. At a certain point, your hips were nearly fused together, and your faces were mere inches away.

And there it was, that familiar scent of pine and citrus. The memories you had locked away years ago had resurfaced once more–coming at you in a flash while you stared into his eyes. You felt yourself fall deeper into them. The inches between you decreased…and soon enough, the tips of your noses brushed against each other.

Then, you unexpectedly jump, startled at the sound and feel of your phone blaring from your pocket. You fish it out to see the name ‘Wooyoung’ flashing on the screen.

You decline the call but send a text message, saying that it was a little loud and that you’d call back.

You back away from Yoongi, suddenly desperate to enforce some distance between you two lest you completely lose the last shred of self-control that you were clinging onto.

Once you were finally away from the crowd and into a more open, quiet space, you say to him apologetically, “I have to go.”

He pursed his lips as if trying to hold himself back from saying something. You stand there, waiting and wondering if he would change his mind and just come out with it.

After a few beats of silence, he forces his mouth into a smile, then nods. “Alright,” he says simply.

You blinked slowly. It was a pathetic effort at a reality check for you. He said the right words and gave you the absolute closure that you needed for your relationship. A small part of you wondered what would have happened if Wooyoung hadn’t tried to call you. Would you have gone in all the way to kiss him?

Sadly, it didn’t work out that way so you’ll never know. “It was good to see you.” Your smile didn’t reach your eyes.

“Yeah…” he breathed out. “It was good to see you, too.”

“Well…I guess this is goodbye.”

You don’t wait for him to respond and instead, you turn on your heel and walk toward the exit. You tried to search around for Hyejin and Namjoon to say your ‘goodbyes’ but they looked like they were deep in conversation with another patron. You decide to shoot her a text when you got to your car instead.

Once you step out and the cool air hits you, you release one, big breath that you felt that you were onto for so long.

******

You sat alone in your car, contemplating the events that just unfolded minutes ago. You never thought you’d see him again–never. But, as fate would have it, your best friends managed to link up. How fucked up was that?

Your phone pinged, signaling a text. You lift the screen to your line of vision, seeing a name that was suddenly unfamiliar to you, with a text that said, ‘Headed to the restaurant now. Can’t wait to see you.’

You face falters at the promise. You sighed and leaned against your car’s headrest and closed your eyes.

What was he trying to pull back there? Making you yearn with all that talk about risking it all just to get a chance with you again. Who talks like that in real life?

Two knocks to your driver-side window startle you back into reality. You glanced over and see his cat-like features peeking through the glass.

You roll your window down and try to sound as casual as possible. “Hey! What’s up?”

He smiles shyly. “I…walked around the parking lot out back then down the block, hoping to still catch you.”

“Oh?” Your voice goes up slightly. “Haven’t had enough of me yet?” You tease him.

He chuckled at your cheekiness. “Yeah,” he sighed heavily, “I... didn’t like how we left things back there. You just ran off.”

You were incredulous. “Really? I thought we were good. I didn’t see anything wrong about the whole exchange. I said goodbye–”

“Yeah, exactly that,” he cuts you off. “You said ‘goodbye’.”

You chuckle awkwardly, confused by his remark. “Isn’t that what you’re supposed to say when you leave?”

“I know that but…I didn’t want you to leave.”

Your stomach does somersaults. You close your eyes for a second to internally smack yourself in an effort to keep it together. “Uhm…I…I don’t…I d–” You stutter.

“I didn’t want you leave.” He repeats firmly. “I can’t let you walk away from me again.”

“Y-Yoongi–”

“I fucked up. I should have gone after you that day.”

You feel your nose start to sting so you swallow thickly and grip your steering wheel tightly. Yes, you wished that he had called you or stopped you from leaving. But after enough time had past, you just thought that whatever he believed then was stronger than how he felt for you. Thinking about it more, you didn’t reach out to call him either to talk things through. At the end of the day, you just thought that it wasn’t meant to be.

“We weren’t good for each other then.”

“Because it wasn’t the right time for us then. We both had shit to work though–I know I did. And I realized that I’d rather do this with you than anybody else.”

You inhale sharply, trying to choke back the tears while hanging onto your last shred of self-preservation. “You hurt me,” you barely whisper.

At this point, he crouches by the driver-side door. “I know. And I’m truly sorry for what I did. I can’t change my actions or my words from that day and that’s something that I’ll never live down. But I promise to make it up to you this time…if you’ll let me.”

You rubbed your eyes in annoyance. You were incredibly frustrated with him and frustrated at the thought that was another man who was excitedly awaiting your arrival at a restaurant a few miles away. You even jokingly imposed a stupid 5-date rule before sleeping with him, but he respected your decision and you liked that about him.

Tonight was the fifth date. The night he was expected to seal the deal with you–and yet, here you were with your ex, seemingly at a stand-off.

You look straight into his eyes. “I don’t think it’s fair that you would back me into a corner like this. That’s just not–”

“I’m…I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to lose my chance again. For the longest time, I kept telling myself that if the opportunity presented itself, I would take it. And tonight…I…I just didn’t expect tonight to happen. And I know that you have plans but…I just knew that if I let this moment pass again, then I’m no better for it.”

You pursed your lips, unsure of what to say to him even though a thousand thoughts were running through your head.

“What do you want me to do? What are you asking from me?” It was all you could manage to cobble up. You were a mixture of confusion and irritation. You just wanted him to be straight with you.

“I want another chance. I want to give us another shot because…I still love you.”

At that point, his admission pushes your tears off the brim.

“Please don’t cry. I don’t mean to make you sad. I just wanted to tell you the truth. I’ve been miserable without you.”

You waited so long to hear him say those words. For a while, you agonized at the thought, wondering if he actually ever loved you. If you were even someone worth choosing.

“Why tell me now after all this time has passed?”

“I couldn’t love you as the old me then. The old me who let you down and made half-ass promises. I had to get myself together.”

“Oh, so now you’re ready?” You ask sarcastically, swiping at your cheeks.

He stares at you earnestly. “Yes,” he says firmly. “It took me some time to realize that I was being stubborn. I thought that I didn’t need to change anything because I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. And it took me that whole time to really get what you were trying to say to me….what you asked me to do for you.”

You let out a chuckle. “I’ve had plenty of time to think about that, too and realized that I was being unreasonable back then.”

“Maybe. But…the more I thought about it, I realized that you were asking me for assurance and I refused give it to you…when I really should have.”

“Look, I shouldn’t have questioned the way you ran your business,” you demurred. “I crossed a line—“

“But that wasn’t it, though,” He insists. “In reality, there was no other logical reason as to why I kept a longstanding contract with Jiwon. I was trying to torture myself because I believed that I could totally look past that history and keep it strictly professional.”

Years ago, you would have pointed and laughed at him, and done a victory lap on your vindication.

“I was completely delusional back then and I needed time to figure the rest of my shit out.”

“And have you?” You ask him.

“Yeah, I have…and I found out that I still very much have trouble letting go of the past,” he concluded wryly.

You both chuckle at his honesty. Minutes ago, you had your hand on the ignition, ready to leave him…again. 

“Yoongi…”

“I know, I know…I have the worst timing,” he says ironically.

It was the understatement of the century. When you walked out of your door earlier tonight, you had no idea that you’d run into Yoongi, much less receive a proposition from him.

You couldn’t argue against the fact that he hurt you badly last time. You wanted him to go after you when you walked out on him…But just the same, you had to work through your own issues, too. The time apart was necessary to do some growing.

Truth be told, you were perfectly fine at the start of the evening. You were having fun, taking trips down memory lane.

But there was always something about him. Something that no amount of time or distance would fully make you understand the hold that he had on you.

You had moved on from past lovers without incident. But you fell for Yoongi so deeply in the shortest amount of time. When it all ended, you wondered every now and then, whether the untapped potential of your relationship was what made that ache linger…or perhaps it was just him.

The tension is broken when your phone rings again. You glance at the screen and it was what-his-face’s name flashing.

You look up at Yoongi, whose face falters slightly but he relaxed his shoulders and stood up from his crouched position. He still bends down a little, leaning on the window frame.

“I know you have somewhere to be so…I guess I’ll just leave it at that. You can call me…or whatever. I just didn’t want to let this moment pass without getting that off my chest.”

You sighed heavily at the option he’s left you with. You glance at the missed call notification that flashed on your screen.

“Please get home safely, okay?” He taps his palm on the roof of your car softly and with a soft nod, he begins to walk back to the venue.

You were torn–torn by the sound of the unheard message alert that sat in your voice mailbox and Yoongi’s fading footfalls.

But deep down, you already knew what you wanted. Your mind and heart had already decided for you the second that you saw him from across the room this evening.

Now, all you had to do was propel your body to physically execute that decision.

You swipe at your phone screen to make the notification disappear then push your car door open.

“Yoongi, wait!”#

◤Part 1 | Main Fic Masterlist

You've reached the end, thank you for reading! If you loved it and/or curious to learn more, please comment, reblog, or send me feedback! 📩. I love hearing from readers! If you didn't like it so much, I would still like to hear about it💜

Tags: @internetjunkdrawer @itdoesntmatterwhy @yoongukie-ff @deepseavibez @miksancheese @shesoldbutcute @yu-justme @joonschocochip @starbtslove

[sidthedollface2]

Third Love

Ch: 2 La Maceta

Pairing: Eddie x Mexican Female Reader

Word Count: 2.7k

Summary: Eddie tries to win over your affection and use you in hopes of getting signed to your dads record company. There's just one problem. Your situationship and a heartbreaking past that threatens to expose the darker side of you.

CW: MDNI 18+ Nightmares, mental illness, Modern au Eddie, fuckboy Eddie. Reader with another man (not cheating).

Chapter 1

You had another restless night, sleep didn't come for you till around 5 am, an hour before sunrise wasn't too bad. Usually you'd stay at Sebastians house or your Dads lavish property, but that home was too large. Glass windows from floor to ceiling. Tall trees and bushes hide the expanse of the lot, it made you uncomfortable since it resembled your old home so much. After a particularly rough panic attack, and the incident with the pool man you and your dad agreed that maybe living with a roommate would lessen the episodes. Luckily, you had found an apartment with a pretty cool roommate, she was similar to you in loving horror movies and video games, and often her boyfriend would spend the night. Last night wasn't one of them, instead you made a comfy spot on the couch and spent most of the time watching 90 Day Fiance and arguing with the TV.

The familiar ding of your phone has you rubbing the sleep from your eyes, arm stretched out blindly searching the top of the coffee table. Unlocking the screen with your thumb print, a new text message comes into view.

Unknown: In the car, I just can't wait, To pick you up on our very first date.

Brows pinched in confusion, and a small smile gracing your face. You think It must be a wrong number. You stare at the message sinking back into the soft cushions of the couch. It's gotta be a joke you think, so you play along, having seen these types of messages before and being immersed in music your whole life you're familiar with the lyrics.

You: Is it cool if I hold your hand?

Shortly after pressing send another ding comes through.

Unknown: Is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance? Do you like my stupid hair?

A chuckle leaves your lips and you feel bad for stringing this person along but you continue anyway, enjoying the flirty nature of the messages.

You: would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?

You feel terrible engaging in this cute sharade. Being a hopeless romantic the idea of someone purposely sending you these messages has you kicking your feet. But you know these messages aren't for you, as you place the phone down again another ding comes through.

Unknown: I'm just scared of what you think.

You smile to yourself at the absurdity but one last message won't hurt.

You: you make me nervous so I really can't eat.

Deciding to end the conversation you text back apologizing for wasting their time and let them know they have the wrong number. You see they've read your message and so you set your phone down and walk to your bedroom gathering some clothes from the closet, when you hear another ding.

You quickly turn back to the living room. throw yourself onto the couch, lunging for your phone in anticipation at what was sent and shock is written all over your face as you read the message.

Unknown: "Let's go. Don't wait. This night's almost over."

You Scroll back up and make sure that your previous message was sent and read. It was. You immediately panic, it wasn't like you to make plans and forget, especially a date. You did a lot of networking last night but you made sure every contact had a name and their social media attached so you really had no clue who would be asking you out. Unable to form any more thoughts on the matter you turn off your phone and head for the shower.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Fuck! She left me on read." Eddie complained to Gareth as they both sat sprawled out on the couch in the garage,finishing up band practice for an upcoming show.

"How do you date a latina anyway?" Grant inquired, wiping the sweat from his brow and placing his bass down. Eddie turned to his bandmate, eyebrows quirked in a questioning way. "Um. Like any other girl. Man, what is wrong with you?" Eddie huffed, looking at his phone again hoping you'd message him back soon, and that he didn't just blow it with you. "It doesn't matter anyway, Ed just wants to fuck his way to the top. No dating required, isn't that what you said Ed? Gareth stared at his friend, challenging the words he had spoken earlier, before he actually met you or saw you, or felt the way your hand barely touched his sent bolts of electricity through his entire body. Eddie's eyes narrowed at Gareth. "Yea. That's right."

The way Gareth laid it out sounded bad and Eddie knew it, he wanted to do things the right way but he'd already tried that, and he had Becky to thank for ruining morally 'good' Eddie. This Eddie was different, he was more determined than ever in reaching his dreams irregardless of who was in his way or who he'd hurt in the process.

"It's a terrible idea." Standing with his arms crossed Jeff glared at Eddie, ashamed that their frontman even considered such a thing. With his head hanging between his shoulders Eddies eyes met Jeffs and he sighed, running his palm down his face, he shook his head.

"Look, I'm doing it for the band, ok. She could really help us out and get us actual good hook ups. What the fuck have you done Jeff? I'm the one who's been pulling all the weight!"

"You're the reason we're in this mess, you fucked Becky, our manager by the way, and now you wanna fuck this one! Next you're gonna fuck us over!" Jeff scolded, standing toe to toe with Eddie challenging his decisions. Gareth and Grant stand between the two boys, pushing them both away from each other and letting them cool down. Just as Eddie's about to speak again his phone rings. Signaling the boys to be quiet with his pointer finger to his lips he takes a look at the caller id and waves his hand at them in dismissal.

"Hey Red, still gonna make the show?" Eddie had asked Max if she was going to see Corroded Coffin perform, but she had gone on a little getaway with Lucas and wasn't sure when she'd be back.

"Yea, of course You can invite her. The more the merrier." Eddie agreed, pacing the garage as he spoke to Max. "Is she cute?" He asked with a shy smile on his face. "Fine, fine." He continued.

Getting off the phone with Max he checked his messages again and to his surprise you had sent a reply back.

Peach: I have a boyfriend.

"Son of a bitch." Eddie threw his phone on the couch crossing his arms as he glared at the floor. Frustrated that his plan was crumbling beneath him along with his dreams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hot water sprays over your body as you think of the outcomes if you were to go on this blind date. They never responded when you asked who they were which raised all the red flags and your mind went into a worse case scenario. What if it was Him, the masked man that haunted your dreams still. The therapy has been working, weekly and always on call if you ever needed it, medication changes were few but sometimes adjusting or adding to the list was necessary. So you lied and said you have a boyfriend, hopeful that they would get the hint that you were not interested.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In his bedroom, Eddie sat at his desk, phone in hand open with tabs of all his social media accounts and a calendar of future shows to be played.

"Omg you googled her?!" Gareth chuckled, as he hoovered behind Eddie, who was currently scrolling through your instagram page.

"Nah man, I looked up Glass House and she follows them." Eddie scrolled through all your posts, admiring all the traveling you'd done and how many musician friends you had. There were some that he admired and others that he didn't know. The fancy places you've eaten at were lavish. He was skeptical of some of the dishes but hoped to at least try them one day. To his disappointment, There weren't many pictures of you. He scrolled to the end of your page and didn't see any of your so-called boyfriend, maybe you were a private person and your instagram was only work related.

His finger hovered over Sebastian's page, debating if this was going too far, would he even like what he saw. He wasn't with you so it didn't matter, but why was he so nervous? Cracking his neck side to side, his thumb gently pressed on Sebastian's profile and a flood of images filled the screen.

There you were, your beautiful smile shining bright through his phone, and Eddie's belly flipped as if he were seeing it in the flesh. Through all the music related posts, band practice, live shows and members of the band, were small bits and pieces of you scattered about. Most were candid photos, at the studio listening to whatever played through your headphones, a shy smile peeking through a glass of wine held at your lips, god did Eddie wish he was a wine glass. Zooming into one particular photo he sees your bare back wearing nothing but a black bra and panties that leave nothing to the imagination, you're laying on your stomach on top of a white bed with messy white sheets. He traces over the feminine curve of your back, down to the slope of your waist and above the plush of your ass. His eyes land on your profile and his heart beats wildly at your sleeping form, hair sprawled out like a halo, you're facing away from the camera and Eddie wonders if you're aware of this intimate photo being taken. It suddenly occurs to him that you're in bed barely clothed and his stomach twists at the realization, Sebastian has you and he doesn't.

"He's not her boyfriend." Gareth voiced, startling Eddie who seemed to forget his bandmate was hunched over him. He pulls his phone close to his chest away from Gareth's wandering eyes. "Well, there's pictures of her in bed and them kissing. Last night at the party I saw him with her."

Eddie stood up and laid on his bed as Gareth took a seat at the desk. "Must be complicated," he shrugged. "She just told me she has a boyfriend. Must've been recent then."Gareth snatched Eddie's phone out of his hand.

"Hey!" He snapped. Scrolling through the messages Eddie sent you, Gareth shook his head "Blink 182? Really? God your lame." He laughed, "And you're an idiot. You didn't say who you were." Throwing the phone back, Eddie looks over the texts again and groans. Gareth was right he missed the message where you asked "who's this." While he thought of another response Eddie went back to your instagram for clues as to what type of person you were.

Bringing his face closer to the screen, eyes squinting. 'It couldn't be' he thought. A girl was standing in frame, she wore faded blue jeans with a pale orange top and a blue blouse folded to her elbows. In her hands was a white planter with wild green leaves that brought life to red beautiful flowers, unmistakable red hair flowed down her shoulders and bright blue eyes peeked behind blossoms of red. Eddie looked to the bottom of the photo reading the caption 'look what my roommate grew!.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two knocks, a pause and two more knocks were heard on your apartment door. You heard the key enter, the door knob twist and your roommate stepped inside. "I'm back!" She announced, as she pulled in her luggage from the hallway. Squealing you raced towards her and greeted her with a huge hug that had you both stumbling.

"Max! I missed you. How was the trip? How's Lucas doing?" You questioned.

Exhausted from traveling Max threw herself on the couch and told you how they traveled down to San Diego to see the Battle ships. "We went to this fancy restaurant where they have dry aged steak–"

You cut her off, leg bouncing in anticipation, and not wanting to wait any longer. "Did he finally ask you to marry him?" Max deflated. With a tight lipped smile she shook her head. "No. He didn't ask. But I still had so much fun and I'm sure it'll be soon."

Max had told you all about her on and off again relationship with Lucas, and ever since her accident, as she calls it, they've been together ever since. She told you all about their first dance, the first kiss they shared, the first time they said I love you. It was all so romantic and out of a fairytale. A fairytale that you longed for. She just smiled as you told her all the romantic things you wanted to do and how lucky she was that she had found that special someone. She didn't tell you about all the bad things. She couldn't. Your face lit up at the mention of the snowball dance, and their weekly movie marathons. You were both brought to tears as she recounted the way Lucas was by her side after her accident.

She wanted you to have this idea that love was easy and it would find you when you least expected it. So she couldn't tell you about Vecna or Will. Most importantly she didn't want to tell you how her brother Billy died. How she saw him die. But you needed her to tell you that you weren't alone, that this deep trench in your heart would never mend but if you had found someone that brought you peace on those nights where the screams were too loud and the night too dark. A soul strong enough to carry the weight of your trauma, yet compassionate enough to walk you through the pain. Then maybe they could slowly fill that hollow trench bucket by bucket. Not of dirt or water simply understanding. Understanding that you'll never be who you once were, full of happiness and light. Rays of sunshine peeking through someone's gloomy day. Now, you were the gloom, the dark low hanging clouds full of tears threatening to pour down on undeserving innocents. Who knew whether those drops would be light and just tickle the skin. Would they be heavy and constant for days on end, causing those to witness shield their eyes and run towards a dry, safer climate. At any moment any sudden reminder of that night could trigger a siren of caution echoing through their ears that a violent storm was just on the horizon. Upon Hearing that screeching siren loud above their heads all would run, gathering their belongings and loved ones to escape the danger that was to come. All except one.

You didn't tell Max about what had happened. It's not something to bring up in casual conversation or any conversation for that matter. 'Hey, I saw my mom get shot to death and I held my hands over her bleeding wounds until her blood saturated both our clothes…. No biggie. How was your day?'

There would never be a right time. A right scenario and even if there was you didn't want to relive that night, no one does. So you kept that part of you hidden, shoveled so deep within that trench with a lock and key. Any threats of those tears or incoming clouds were met with scripted phrases.

"I'm just so tired."

"Allergies."

"It's fine."

"Eyelash in my eye"

And the worst of all

"I'm ok."

The day settles to night as you shift under the sheets with your laptop open, preparing your schedules and artists you were going to see for the week when you hear the unmistakable ding of your phone. You find it stuffed between the pillow you're laying on and your shoulder. Upon reading the message your eyes widened at the boldness and your lips curved up into a beaming smile.

Unknown: "Of course someone as pretty as you would have a boyfriend, that's cool I'm not looking to be your boyfriend though. I just thought you might need a husband.

Unknown: "It's Eddie by the way."

You shake your head chuckling at his audaciousness. But he got you smiling at your phone, cheeks heating up and flutters in your tummy.

You: "Oh, that was good. I guess we should go on a date then if you're planning to be my husband."

Eddie: "I thought you'd never ask." 😉

Taglist

@amira0303 @hideoutside @edsforehead @skank-sinatra13 @kissmejoey @ms1oftheboys

[zevzevarainai]

your ask made me realize......i don't know any of your ocs (outside of RPG protags). tell me about them please? 👀

ok i'm putting this under a read more because it's slightly embarrassing but not enough for me to not post it. i am also insecure about my drawerings. i'm working on it.

Ok so the only actual original ocs i have are revamped versions of ocs i had based off of toys when i was like 11. yeah... i'm owning it.... quarantine was a time for all of us. i used to have dnd ocs as i wrote my own campaign but they've been abandoned as a result of a messy falling out.

anyway these were like a branch off of a game my sister and our friends used to play when i was like 6 like a 2nd generation type of deal though that's only relevant for one oc. the premise is basically i had toy dragons when i was a kid and i was like "yeah they can shapeshift into humans" because that's the coolest shit when your 12. And when you're in your twenties and mentally ill you make it Serious.

so now it's like a humans hunted dragons so they didn't really come out of hiding but society is a'changing... there aren't a lot of not-shapeshifting dragons left.

it's not very thought out but dragon hybrids as i call them until i think of a better name (i won't) are split into 3 groups of views -

1) coexistence (main guys are here) 2) resent humans, either cannot shift or are ashamed of their human form. They either hide from humans or, if they have the means to, attack humans. They value pureblood dragons and strength. Because of this, they abandon runts and outcast shifters with a human parent. 

3) believe in coexisting with humans, but believe their ability to command two forms puts them above non-shifters, so they should be ruling over them. Some humans agree and have devoted themselves to serving these shifters.

Also these guys go by 2nd names because humans can't pronounce the guttural dragon language sounds (this is my explanation for my less than creative naming system at 12). I also made like physical logistics for their human appearance but we don't need to get into that rn

this is Dramill [dray-mill] (he/him) which child Carly made up as a combination of Draco + Windmill (the toy had a tail that has a webbed bit, looks like a windmill thing, whatever). He is a water dragon (fresh water variant). His bio-family hates humans, he ran away as a teenager and accidentally became a leadership figure for coexistence after finding his found family during his run-away-teen-travels.

He discovered healing powers for water-elemental dragons, he is basically green Katara, except Dramill sacrifices his energy to heal the person. Minor injuries don’t take much out of him. The worse the injury, the harder it is on him. If rushed, it is harder on him.

The first two members of Dramill's found family are Flame (left, she/her) and Smokey (right, he/him). They are twins and both raging homosexuals. If you couldn't guess, they are fire elemental dragons. Dramill found them after their mother was killed by humans and they were attacked a few weeks later.

Flame: Cold exterior, aloof, nonchalant nature, but has a good heart underneath. Too cool for you. Has tattoo sleeves on both arms, nose stud on the right nostril to match her twin's, undercut on the right side.

Smokey: Sarcastic, covers feelings with humor. Has several piercings: multiple ear piercings, double eyebrow piercing on the right side, nose stud on left nostril, nipple piercings, and a stud tongue piercing. All gold colored.

Last two members of Dramill's found family are Frost (left, he/him) and Iceberg (right, any pronouns). Biological siblings and, you guessed it, ice dragons. Iceberg was abandoned by their parents for being a runt; Frost followed his father on a hunch and refused to abandon Iceberg, so he was also disowned. Frost took care of Iceberg on his own until Dramill, Flame, and Smokey found them.

Frost: somewhat introverted and slow to trust others. Fiercely loyal and protective.

Iceberg: Not very good at fighting, doesn't particularly enjoy doing it. Has a lot of confidence interacting with humans.

Okay our first human this is the one i was talking about who is the daughter of Baby's First OC and her preexisting character husband. If you can figure out who the preexisting character is I might have to delete my blog. This is Mary (she/her) she is the daughter of a big name CEO and is set to inherit the company. Mary is confident and smart, which she has to be as she's somewhat famous. She stumbled across Dramill squatting in the forest that technically belongs to her father and eventually befriends the whole squad. She uses her influence to promote coexistence between dragons and humans.

And yeah, Frost is her love interest, this ship has been canon for like 15 years and now it's actually thought out dynamic wise

Next is Chadsworth (right, he/him) who was made as a joke character for 12 year old me but now actually has character traits. Early on his whole deal was he had a massive one-sided crush on Mary and was like obsessed with her. That still kind of happened but he was like 13 and is ashamed about it.

He grew up very poor and later entered the foster program. It was Not Great and he ran away, briefly living on the streets until he befriended a girl who was taking culinary lessons from a woman with fairly-successful catering company. The woman let him stay and he was very helpful with cleaning and chores; when he got a little older she paid him so now he cleans for a living. Chadsworth met Mary when she and her mom were picking up and order. They became friends, but Chadsworth soon developed an unhealthy crush on her-- that was less a crush and more idolization and envy of her life, but he wouldn't unpack this for several years. Frost fuckin' hates him because of this. Chadsworth later apologized to her and Frost but it doesn't matter Frost despises him.

As the picture gives away his love interest is Smokey which is a more recent development (thanks, the sims)

Last one this is JunTae (they/them) who was not in the childhood toys and made semi-recently. I was messing around in the sims... They weren't made to be Dramill's love interest but stumbled into that role. They are a shadow dragon from the forests around Korea (hence the name) who was born into a clan that hates humans. They didn't know any other way until their clan was fighting Dramill and them and Frost beat them up almost real bad until Dramill stopped him; Dramill healed them and they saw their found family dynamic and was like ??? They're like you know if you want to leave like look us up we'll help you, think about it, and eventually they did. Iceberg picked out the name JunTae

JunTae used to be scared of humans and is now curious to learn but still cautious. Good friends with Dramill and Iceberg. Self-conscious and anxious but wants to help. Calls Dramill "Millie" and is the only one allowed to (because Dramill's got a big fat crush on them)

[2ndstar-ontheright]

"More Than a Friend"

This is from a few months ago, but since it's become much larger on here, I'd figure I'd post something I wrote for them! I'm a GooseCaroleMav truther you guys, I'm sorry. (Just a PSA this isn't condoning military stuff or anything like that, I just like these guys. A lot. :D)

Here on Ao3: "More Than a Friend"

Pete always knew he never belonged. Unwanted. Even as a kid, he could tell that he wasn’t exactly planned , nor his parents' first priority. His mother was always trying to make herself busy with his dad’s absence, so he learned to just stay out from underfoot. It was easier that way. He saw the tears she tried to hide every time her husband went back from leave and it was gut wrenching to know that there wasn’t really anything he could do. He couldn’t be the “man” of the house because by the time he could, he never got the chance. It was all fine for the majority of his childhood, but once his dad died, everything fell apart, and the feeling set in even more. His mother fell ill soon after, leaving him an orphan. Typical. The child of a military family left with no parents by the age of 18. How wonderfully and pitifully tragic. 

They wouldn’t be the only scars he’d ever have, nor the deepest, yet for so much of his life, they were the only ones that people noticed. Not the ones on his chest or the ones on his heart, just that he had no family. No family left that would care anyway. 

Only, a high school friend that he thought he’d never see again covered them up real well. 

******************

A young blond whose wit was as sharp as a double-edged sword, Carole Abbott wasn’t stupid. She was one of the few reasons Pete even graduated high school, but what he didn’t expect to find out about her was that she saw him as more than just a classmate. He was her friend. She’d seen him around their school many times before, only this time he looked much more…sad. The bags under his eyes more prominent than usual. Shrugging it off, she took it as her sign and went up to him. Soon enough, periods would turn into days and would turn into weeks spent huddled together on her roof, shaking their heads at the insanity that was life. 

Being able to relate to way more than they thought they would, in more ways than one, he considered her his best friend. They became inseparable, much to the dismay and confusion of her parents. Despite it being maybe the 300th time her dad gave him the “If you hurt my daughter…” speech and her mom asking if they’ve gone out yet, they still laughed about it until the day they left. 

She had been his rock and when he broke the news that he was going into the navy, he didn’t expect her to react so nonchalantly. 

“It’s your life, Pete.” Carole nodded her head towards him, taking a sip of the beer she snuck from downstairs. “It’s not my place, nor do I want to tell you how to live it. That’s up for you to decide.” 

Pete looked at her, trying to hide the worry in his face. To his dismay, his chest was rushing and rising with panic. Was this really a good idea? Why wasn’t she saying anything? She never liked the navy, especially after knowing about his father. “I know that, but…what if it doesn’t work out? I’ve got nothing to come home to if I don’t make it, my job’s barely making it as it is.” He explained, and with a sigh, he lowered his head. “What if I die? I mean, I know that comes with it, I just..couldn’t live with myself to not at least say goodbye to you. Or have someone do that for me, I guess.” 

Carole tilted her head and scooched closer to him, urging him to look up at her with her hand. “And what if you live? Have you ever thought of that?” 

The boy shook his head. “No, I guess I didn’t.” 

“Well then, that answers that question, now doesn’t it?” Carole chuckled and bit the inside of her cheek, looking off into the distance for a moment before turning back. “You leave for school tomorrow morning, right?” She asked, earning her a nod in response. She leaned in closer and wrapped her arm around his shoulder. “Listen, I can’t promise you anything, but I do know this. You’re determined. When it’s something you’re passionate about, you put your whole heart into it, and that’s such an admirable thing. You’re gonna do well, Pete. You just gotta try and there’s really nothing more you can do than that.”

Pete let his head rest on her arm and let her words swarm around him like the warm glow of a firefly. “Yeah…” She was right. Like she was with most things. He knew she could tell that there was more he wanted to say that went unspoken. That he was afraid of leaving her. Of being alone and so many other things. Now though, all he could do was sigh and brace himself for the morning ahead. “Thanks Carole….for, y’know. Everything.” 

“Of course, Petey. You’re my best friend, now wake up before you start drooling on me.” She laughed, gently nudging him and climbing back through her bedroom window with him behind her. 

What he didn’t know was that night and that morning after she dropped him off at the airport, Carole Abbott broke at the realization that she might lose the best friend she ever had. 

*****************

What he hadn’t expected to see nearly 3 years later was a blond head leaning against a restored 55’ Chevrolet outside of the Naval Academy. He thought nothing of it until her sunglasses tilted as she looked in his direction, her face breaking into a smile. He knew that could only mean one person and he can’t stop himself from staring like an idiot. She rushes up and before he can say anything, she’s lifting him off the ground in a bone-crushing hug. “Damn, has she gotten strong…” 

“Well, it’s about time you came to see me! I was starting to think you’d forgotten about me.” Pete teased, poking her on the shoulder. 

“Pfft, yeah right. Because that’s definitely something normal people do.” Carole rolled her eyes. “You miss me yet, Mitchell? Because I sure as hell missed you,”

Pete scoffed, shaking his head. Who was she kidding? Of course he did. “Yeah, maybe, just a little bit.” 

“Oh you! ” She punched him lightly in the arm, pretending to be offended. And before he knew it, he was following her to her car like a puppy to its owner, knowing that the years that passed meant nothing to either of them. Nothing at all. 

He’d missed this. By god had he missed this. 

******************

Little would he know that a smooth talking, tail covering, tall as a tree, sweetheart would saunter into his life not long after that. 

Days that faded into weeks which turned into months went by. Training wasn’t exactly a walk in the park and the small inkling of being able to fly in his aviation classes were the only thing keeping him going most days. School was once again made much more bearable by having the one constant in his life back, but that wasn’t as often as he thought. He was pretty much a baby when it came to making and meeting other people. If he wasn’t doing something stupid to warrant it anyway. 

So, it came as no surprise when one night, something changed. Pete, alongside some of the other recruits, was coming back from being stationed on night guard. The previous night had been a rather unpleasant one, but he was relieved it was over. He trudged back to his room absentmindedly, the hours of staying awake for almost 2 days getting to him. Distantly, he heard the sound of footsteps from afar, not really paying attention to it. They were probably just going to their room too. He figured. When they didn’t stop though, he had the feeling he was being followed. Had he known better he would’ve been more than just confused, though it wasn’t out of the ordinary. 

After a while, he turned around and noticed a tall, bulky figure eyeing him, almost in a drunken haze. 

“Hey…” He mumbled out, leaning against the wall for support. He clearly looked wasted, or high, the other couldn’t tell.

“Hey,” Pete replied raising his eyebrow, unsure of what this was leading to. 

“I’ve heard about you.” The guy began. “You know what they say about guys like you, right? All alone, no friends, only talks to girls.” He laughed when he saw the confused look on Pete’s face. “Yeah, don’t think I haven’t seen you with that pretty little thing. It’s pretty obvious you ain’t with her like that, so tell me.” He took a step closer, leaning fully to the wall so that he was face to face with the shorter man. 

“What’s a little fag like you thinking he can be here ?” 

Pete really had to be delirious, because this couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be real. He blinked slowly and stared dumbfounded at the man. “I… what ?”

“You heard me.” He nodded, almost like he was accusing him of something. “You don’t gotta lie to me, Mitchell. I mean, it’s definitely a surprise.” He shrugged. “The great ‘Duke Mitchell’s’ kid being all weird like that. No one would suspect it, except for me. And I’m not no one, am I?”

Pete narrowed his eyebrows and moved to turn around. He wasn’t going to dignify that with a response, not if he could help it. However, the other seemed to have a different idea, and a meaty hand spun him around. 

“You didn’t answer my question…” The man stepped closer, his big, sneering face staring Pete down like he was his prey. At least in his mind that’s what he was. His big hands moved and grabbed his hips.

“The fuck-?” Pete yelped out at the sudden impact. If the alarm bells hadn’t gone off before, they definitely were now as he felt himself being manhandled. The whole interaction was weird as hell, but the grabbing? Really? It’s no wonder this guy both didn’t like him and seemed like the type to get written up every other day. Pete scrambled to escape him and when his kicking at the other didn’t work, he dug his nails into his wrist and bit down on the hand that firmly clawed into his shirt. 

“Shit!” The other man cried out. Wincing at the pain, he waved his hand before moving closer to Pete when he heard the sound of a door opening. That didn’t stop him though, what did however, was Pete punching him in the nose. He didn’t expect such a small thing to fight back like that, yet his cries of pain said otherwise. 

Pete stared at him as the man staggered backward in pain. All of this and he didn’t even know him? Ridiculous. The fear in his stomach turned into worry when he felt a pair of eyes watching him. If he wasn’t before, he was certainly in trouble now.

“Shit...” A voice breathed out as he watched the two men. Coming out of the room and into view, a man about his age looked at Pete incredulously. “You okay?” He asked.

Pete stared back like a deer caught in someone’s headlights. Overcome with shock and his sudden rush of adrenaline, he shook his head. “I-I don’t-He tried to- fuck. I’m sorry, I-” He stammered.

The guy stepped forward and moved in front of Pete, ignoring the groaning body on the ground. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. You’re not in trouble, just…tell me what happened.” 

Swallowing, Pete gave him an explanation, gesturing to the man behind them. “I was coming down here when he came up behind me all of a sudden and…called me a…” Pete struggled to put into words in a way that made sense. “He tried to…”

The other guy’s expression turned from one of confusion, to one of disgust. “Of course, he did.” he spat out. “I’m sorry man.” He gave the other an apologetic look. From the way he was standing, on edge like he was going to be punished at any second, was worrying. Trying to lighten the mood, he nodded. “But you fought back! Not a lot of people have the courage to do that, y’know.”

“That’s pretty impressive though, kid.” He added, genuinely admiring Pete’s strength. Hell, if he’d been his position, he wasn’t sure how he’d react himself. “The name’s Nick, by the way.” 

“Pete..” He responded, not even noticing his lips move. Why was this random guy giving him this much grace? Being this kind? He didn’t fully understand, especially considering it being the middle of the night, yet appreciated it nonetheless. 

“Well, Pete, can I ask you a question?” Nick inquired, earning him a slow nod. “How come I’ve never seen you around before?” An amused smile played on his lips when he saw Pete’s expression change from one of panic, to a tough kinda smile back. 

*************

Promises made to hang out after the night turned into spending almost any time they were both free together. They were practically attached at the hip and to think that it all started over some idiot making a pass at him, was equal parts heartwarming, and hilarious. 

Nick liked Pete. A lot. Occasionally, more than he thought he’d ever liked anyone. The way he hid his smile when he was about to laugh, the way he really didn’t take anything from anyone, the way he kept so much of himself hidden but would reveal just the smallest amounts to Nick, leaving him desperate for more. To know more. To know Pete. He knew he struck a chord with him because once they became friends, there was just no getting over or getting rid of Pete Mitchell.

He was kind of like a brother in a way. Nick was older, taller, and generally had more experience than he did, and it made him proud in some way. To get to see him as more than just a friend, but family as well. He wouldn’t always let it happen, although, in the few moments he would, Nick reveled in it. 

***************

“Nick….?”

The man in question shifted in his sleep at the whisper of his name. Stirring, his eyes blinked slowly open. “Yeah…?” He asked, huskily. 

Pete shifted his eyes up to the ceiling and down to the floor. Not quite sure how to ask this. He sighed and went for it. “The worst he can say is no..” “I- I can’t sleep…”

The other nodded drowsily from being woken up. “Ohh..okay…” He understood, kind of. Hoping this wouldn’t take much longer, he asked. “You have a nightmare or somethin’?” 

“Yeah. Sorry for waking you up man, it’s stupid. I know.”

“Nah it’s not stupid.” Nick shrugged it off and shifted away in the bed, gesturing for him to come over. “You wanna sleep with me?” 

Pete thought about it for a second and nodded. 

He chuckled, shaking his head. “Well come on then, I haven’t got all night.” Feeling the other slip in next to him, he yawned and before falling back asleep, smiled fondly at Pete. “Good night, honey .” 

“Good night, dear .” Pete teased back, smirking at the other shaking his head at his response. 

*******************

Not long after they met did Pete introduce Nick to Carole. It was a November evening, the cold air whipping at the pair's faces as he led him up to their apartment. Or well, hers technically, since he was hardly there most of the time. Pulling his keys out of his pocket, he turned to Nick excitedly. “She’s awesome. You’re gonna love her, I just know it.” 

“Oh, Pete, you know the ladies love me. So, I have no doubts about that.” 

“Save it for your pillow, Bradshaw.”

“I swear, I cannot make any promises.” He put his hand over his heart and let Pete practically drag him into the apartment. 

Carole came in from her room at the sound and was nearly bowled over by her best friend’s excitement. Pete wasn’t typically one for bringing anyone over for that matter, let alone a guy. Hell, she was surprised he was so willing to introduce someone he hadn’t even known that long to her knowledge. She was happy for him regardless though and knew that the dark-haired boy wasn’t letting go of this person anytime soon. 

“Carole, this is Nick! Nick, this is my friend Carole!” Pete chirped excitedly, introducing the group to each other. 

“Hi Nick, I’ve heard quite a lot about you. It’s lovely to finally meet you in person.” She greeted, holding her hand out. Nick, an almost laughably taller man than Pete, had taken her outstretched hand and drew out a kind greeting back. His smile sent a sudden wave of butterflies through her stomach and Carole had to admit, she wasn’t expecting someone like that . 

“You were right Pete,” Nick began glancing over at him and looking back at Carole. Smiling as his eyes met hers. “She does sound awesome.” 

******************

He never suspected he'd be playing “Matchmaker” for the two most important people in his life. Never in any universe. And now here he was barely a year later and reassuring the both of them that it’ll be perfectly fine. Despite both of them putting that to the test. 

“It’s just a date, man. It’s not like you’re getting married.” 

“I know! But, I want to make a good impression, y’know? I want her to actually enjoy it.” 

“Goose, you’ve known her for a year. You don’t need to make a ‘good impression’ if you didn’t, she wouldn’t even be into you! Now, quit panicking. It’s freaking me out.” He watched as he paced around the room, looking at himself in the mirror. Maverick rolled his eyes and held back the nauseating feeling that crept up his throat. 

“Now you have her home by 11:00 young man, or else I’l have your hide mounted on my wall.” Pete leaned against the door and smirked at the pair as they were about to leave. 

“Of course sir! I wouldn’t dream of being even a second late.” Nick chuckled, waving him off with a flourish. Carole giggled and let him lead her down the hallway. 

He was happy for them. They deserved each other, truly. But he couldn’t help but feel….lost. And his insides sank as he watched them go, realizing it was all going to change before he knew it.  

***********

First dates turn into 5 which turn into 10 which turn into being official “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.” Mav hates himself for the fact that while he is so proud of them for making it this far, he feels so much more alone now. Which is fair. Still though, he can’t help but wonder if maybe he should just not think too much about it and date someone himself. It’s not like he hasn’t before. 

None of them lead to much of anything though. A few dates followed by a few kisses and the more than often one night stand don’t exactly take away this gnawing, empty feeling inside. Even when he tries to make a connection it’s never fully there. There’s something missing. Something deeper. Something like… shit.

  Is it jealousy? God, it better not be.

*********

Soon enough, comes the day she’d been waiting for after these past few years. The day they get married. Carole’s over the moon, yet she notices. She notices the somber smile Maverick keeps flashing at Goose everytime they see each other. When they get to the chapel, when she makes it to the altar, and he’s watching them during the night. If it were anyone else, she’d be a little more than freaked out, but this was Maverick. Her Pete. She also notices the hurt in both men’s eyes when her now-husband glances over to her best friend. A quiet understanding of something she felt like she knew, but still didn’t quite get. 

Nothing seems to change after that. Their honeymoon comes and goes and once she comes home, the tension could still be cut with a knife. He’s not himself anymore. No longer the bitey, cheerful boy she grew up with. He was a pilot now, she couldn’t expect him to stay the same forever, but she hadn’t expected that to change him this much. They were a family now, however, he was still her family too. Right? It wasn’t a childish fantasy, she knew that, to her, it was the truth. Carole Abbot-Bradshaw is not stupid. Now though, she wasn’t so sure. 

She decides to bring it up one night to Maverick who surprisingly, wasn’t in his room at the barracks. The pilot came over on his volition, which she secretly appreciated because she knew he wasn’t going to like what was coming. They’re watching some cheesy rom-com, both on opposite ends of the couch when Carole brings it up. 

“What’s up with you?” She asks. Maverick glances over at her and while he doesn’t stiffen up, she can tell he’s taken aback by her question. 

“What do you mean? I’m fine, Carole.” Maverick denies, chuckling it off. She tilts her head and stares at him with a deadpan expression. “Really! I’m serious.”

“Pete Mitchell, do you think I’m an idiot? Tell me, how long have we known each other?” She asks, waiting patiently for him to answer her. 

“Almost 9 years…” He answers slowly, estimating off the top of his head. “And no! Of course not. It’s…” He sighs and looks at her. “It was stupid…it’s nothing.”

Carole shakes her head. “It’s not nothing nor is it stupid.” She denies, moving closer to the pilot. “It’s changed you, Pete. And don’t think I haven’t noticed.” She says firmly, but concerned. Sighing, she looks into his eyes that’re averting her gaze. “You’re not yourself, I’m worried about you.” She added gently, worrying now at the way he looked more and more uncomfortable by her asking. “And if it was something I, or Nick did, you know you could tell me, right? You’re my best friend.”

Pete groans softly. There’s really no avoiding her question, not anymore anyway. He’s denied it for this long that really, there wasn’t anything else he could say to hide it. “Things get lonely sometimes. And I… miss you. Both of you. Sometimes I lie awake and when I picture myself with anyone, romantically or whatever…I see you two.” Maverick admits in a voice barely above a whisper, not sure how to phrase it without scaring or freaking her out. She knew him better than anyone, even Nick, and to know that this might ruin everything they had, was killing him. “On the day of your wedding, seeing you both up there, I knew I would never get that. What you have. For things to be the way they were, I guess, I don’t know. And I never want to come between the two of you.” The pilot sighs, staring down at the floor. “I couldn’t live with myself if I did, but now, I’m afraid I already have. I’m so sorry, Carole.” Maverick finally looks up into her eyes, preparing for whatever reaction she had.

“Oh Pete…” She whispers gently, pulling his hand into hers. “You could never come between us. Honey, it’s okay, I know. I know how much you and Nick love each other, you don’t have to be ashamed of that. Frankly, I don’t really care about those sorts of things enough to be upset about it because well, I kind of picture you as my husband too. I mean, I’ve known you for a long enough time that it’s really not a surprise.” She laughs softly, shaking her head.

“I love you, Mav. We both do. So please understand me when I tell you, you never have to be concerned about me freaking out or being upset about these sorts of things” She adds, squeezing his hand in hers. “Okay?”

Maverick doesn’t say anything, but from the look he gives her, she can tell it’s a silent “Okay.” in response. Really, she was expecting something much worse and for that to be all it was, eased the pain in her chest from the past few months. It’s clear to her that their conversation is over, and she’s perfectly fine with that. 

The two end up falling asleep together on the couch with Maverick and Carole huddled next to each other, her head in his lap and his arm resting on her back, both snoring quietly. The T.V has switched from romance to some old western movie when Goose enters the apartment and he can’t help but gush at the sight. He crouches down to curl his arms around his wife and carries her off to their bedroom. As he gently lays her on the bed, he’s about to tug the sheets up to her chin when she asks quietly. “Nick?” 

“Hey darlin’, I’m sorry for waking you up.” He whispers in response.

Her voice still raspy, she smiles tiredly. “You’re okay. But I think you should talk to Pete, not right now, but sometime. It’d be good for the both of you. He misses you.”

That caught him by surprise. “What do you mean? Did-did I do something wrong?” Goose asks, eyes widening at the idea of what he could’ve done. If he had done anything.

“No, no, baby nothing like that. Don’t worry, you’re okay.” Carole reassures, putting her hand to his wrist. She hesitates for a moment before yawning. “You know how you feel when you’re around me? And him? Well, that’s kinda how he feels around the both of us. If that makes any sense.”

Goose wasn’t sure if she was just talking crazy due to her sleepiness or not, but as he listened, what she was saying did kind of make sense. He was his pilot, his brother, and the best person he ever had besides her, to say didn’t get where he was coming from would be a lie. A huge lie, to himself. He nodded and watched as she shifted to her side. “It’s okay, just…talk to him, Goose.” She whispered before falling back asleep. A peaceful look on her face as he walked out of the room. Watching his best friend, he felt the same look of awe and care he had when they met return to his face. Walking forward, he crouched down next to him and heaved the shorter man up off the couch. “Hey honey, you okay?” The RIO can’t help but ask, knowing just how the other will respond. 

Maverick shifts at the sudden movement and smiles lazily. “I’m just fine, dear.”

“Listen, I’m sorry if I hurt you. For not understanding or getting it before. You know how much I care about you, right Mav?” He says quietly.

“S’ okay, Goose. You’re fine.” Pete whispers.

“ Pete..”

Maverick sighs and looks up at him. “I mean it, you’re okay. We’re fine, really.”

“Well if that’s so,” Goose chuckled, dropping the other on the bed. Turning off the light, he crawled in next to Maverick who had Carole sleepily scooching closer to him and resting her head on his shoulder. “Good night you guys. I love you. Both of you.” He whispered before falling asleep as well. 

“G’night Goose…” And as Pete falls asleep as well between the two people he loves most, he realizes he has what he’s always wanted. Even if they never defined it in specific terms, a family. One that knew its members inside and out. A place where he belonged. A place where he was wanted. And he wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

[thegeminisage]

ok, it's star trek update time. tonight we watched ds9's "playing god" and tng's "eye of the beholder."

playing god (ds9):

i'm trying. SO SO SO HARD to get into dax and it's just not working

out of the 3 dax episodes we've had so far this one included two of them have been mid and one of them was just slightly better than average mostly for the questions it prompted in my mind palace, not necessarily the questions asked by the episode itself

in s1 dax had basically no personality, but in s2 when she does have a personality it seems to be a different one every time. like in one episode she was very prissy and in others she's just one of the guys! and then at other times she reverts to this very buttoned up bordering on bland science officer from s1 again

and then every once in awhile she'll be like oh yeah i LOVE sex i LOVE being a super hot woman who everyone wants to FUCK!!! i can get whatever i want with my SEX APPEAL even though my hair is WEIRDLY SHAPED. and look i am so happy for her and she should literally get some but it borders on the kind of misogyny that starts genuinely annoying me. it is kind of like that anime trope where the teen boy gets put into a body with tits and he can't stop messing with them. its like. idk reducing her to a body, or reducing her to jadzia's body, which dax is taking for a ride to feel hot and fuckable?? it's very blurry what's jadzia and what's dax

WHICH is the most fascinating part of dax, which is where the trill ends and the symbiant or however you spell it begins, but we don't get into that quite as much as i'd like

anyway i guess a shifting personality is a natural result of living 7 lifetimes but it doesnt FEEL like thats why theyre doing it, it FEELS like they just cant seem to keep her consistent

that said. while i did not like this episode or this little guy dax was showing around i DID like the implication that curzon was actually a huge fucking asshole. i love that he can be loved by many people but was still an asshole. it's complex. and now one of the people he abused (?) or at least was an asshole to is now. his successor. IT'S COMPLEX!!! what are he and jadzia to each other...imagine meeting curzon dax and then just becoming him. that's wild. so, points for that! genuinely. it just feels like the trill thing is fascinating because of trills and not because of jadzia dax in particular. i'm gonna keep trying to like her. maybe once she starts banging worf things will be different

eye of the beholder (tng):

ohhhh i hated this one so much (suicide cw for this one lol)

firstly, i don't trust tng to handle the subject of suicide any more than i trust them to handle multiple personalities, but they tried to very special episode it anyway. all of them were so shocked at the very THOUGHT of it i guess because they eliminated all mental illness in tos?? but it was so funny in the rage-inducing way like "maybe he needed to think of the obstacles in his life as challenges to overcome!" come on.

also lmao picard like ive never had to report a suicide before...........girl you have literally told 2 people to kill themselves

and then they dropped the very special episode plot halfway through for this psychic mystery...

here's the thing. if everyone had been searching for a REASON someone who seemed to be perfectly happy would do this, and in the end the answer was just "nothing was going on, he was just hiding a lot of pain, even if we don't want to believe that" that would have been a STELLAR gutpunch. but there literally was foul play involved

AND NOT ONLY THAT! BUT THEY FAKED ME OUT WITH WORF E DEANNA

my ONLY consolation was that they were finally kissing and then later fucking but NO!!!! all a dream

i was already conflicted because deanna e worf means a temporary breakup from deanna e riker but i wanted it anyway and i was so happy when they gave it to me and then they KILLED IT? maybe the actors hated it because it fucking sucked

like, no wonder everybody let deanna walk around unsupervised when there was a high suicide danger. she was dreaming. no one in real life would ever allow this

i wish also that creepy men would stop coming to deanna's quarters to be creepy to her

final note: was told the creepy man was in spn. clocked him as alistair almost immediately. faceblind WHO

TOMORROW: ds9's "prophet and loss" and tng's "genesis" (dread).

[alexiela73]

Hi I'm sorry for asking for another request- please feel free to ignore me if it's a bit too much >_< Especially because I also vent a little in this ask. I will not take it personally if you decide not to do this ask, especially since you've already taken a request from me! So please do feel free to ignore, especially if it's better for your mental. The last thing I want to do is to cause more harm.

Anyway, I just find a lot of comfort in Hanzo q_q this is the same anon who asked for the autistic/mentally ill s/o qwq

2023 hasn't really been all too good for me so far even though it's just been 3 days, and 2022 ended on a really, really bad note

// TW for slight venting, because I'm going to share a little bit about what I'd need comfort for I guess >_<

I have abusive parents, they no longer physically abuse me (although I still have some scars), and I am constantly verbally abused everyday. It has really impacted my mental and emotional state

Recently I was told that I would be the cause of my mother's death, and all I do is cause everyone's suffering.

I also um... have a lot of trauma regarding touch, but I think I'd be okay with it if Hanzo held me close because I could focus on him and my anxiety/schizophrenia wouldn't hurt me... too much.

I just want to ask- how do you think Hanzo would comfort me especially after hearing all about this...? I don't know, I'm just kinda desperate at this point q_q

Thank you for your time and please have a good day qwq

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. If you ever need to rant, just get it out to a stranger, just feel free to message me. If nothing else, sometimes its nice to feel heard. And don't worry about sending more requests, send as many as you'd like.

Hanzo Comfort Headcanon

After the way his life had started and the mistakes he had made, it had taken a long time for Hanzo to finally come to one conclusion: he would never hurt anyone he loved again

This one thought has become ingrained into him

Falling in love with you to him is one of the greatest gifts life could have bestowed upon him

After his clan and everything that happened with Genji, he didn't think he'd ever feel this kind of peace or happiness

To know that in a way, like him, you are enduring the burden of a family who causes you nothing but pain wounds him

He has seen first hand the kind of damage its done to you

The first time he met your family, Hanzo had held back out of respect to you- this was your family, and at first he felt it wasn't his place to speak up. After all, perhaps he misunderstood

Now Hanzo goes with you whenever you have to see your family- if you truly insist on seeing them, that is. While Hanzo's goal is not to upset you further, he has no problem getting curt with them or telling them to back off.

Hanzo would see the messages between you and your family though- not due to snooping, but when you were upset you'd often drop your phone and go seclude yourself

During moments like these, when you would cry in the tub or try to hide in another part of the house, Hanzo would seek you out

Comforting someone is not something that comes easily to him. but Hanzo decides to go with his instinct with you

Usually he will sit next to you, not quite touching and ask if he can hold your hand. If not, Hanzo will respect that and sit beside you, usually humming a japansese lullaby

If he gets permission, he will cradle your hand between his, thumb gently circling your knuckles

If a hug is something that you will allow, then Hanzo will pull you into his arms and gently stroke your hair

Everything is at your pace

Hanzo has never been upset by this- he was blessed when you came into his lonely world, and he will forever be grateful for that

Though Hanzo himself said he'd never do it, he does gently inquire about counseling or seeking someone to speak to

Hanzo says he'll even go and talk about his...problems, if you will

With Genji's recommendation, you two do go spend weekends at the monastery in Nepal. Its actually quite peaceful, though it takes awhile for Hanzo to stop scoffing at it

Other little things he does for you is make sure you always have cupboards of comfort food- if baking is it, then he takes it upon himself to bake for you every week

Hanzo also lets you use his dragons like emotional support animals, letting you maul, squish and hug them as much as you need. Luckily, they don't seem to mind

[napping-sapphic]

Hello! I have a Situation and its totally cool if you're not able to give advice but im looking for advice anyway bc im autistic and have no idea how to navigate romantic situations.

So ive had a friend since i was 12 her pronouns are she/they so i will be using both. Im now 20 and they're 21. I've known I like girls since i was 13. And shes pan.

So, in the past, ive had like fleeting thoughts of dating/kissing them but i usually just shake my head and think "nah i cant possibly want to date her bc they're my best friend, i just have very strong platonic feelings." Like Very Strong. Ive literally said that i will always compare my feelings for a future romantic partner with my feelings for her bc they're so strong.

So im honestly not sure if i would know if i was in love with someone unless it hit me in the face, and i am currently feeling like it has hit me in the face. I woke up at like 4 am last night from a dream just thinking "omygosh im in love with her" and ive been journaling and thinking all day ahout my feelings and im starting to think ive just been in strong denial/oblivious about my feelings. Both bc im autistic and have difficulty identifying emotions and bc im demiromantic and rarely experience romantic attraction so i dont have much experience with it.

I guess the point of this ask is about any advice you can give regarding knowing if i actually have romantic feelings and if i do,, like what do i do about it??? Should i tell them? We have a really strong friendship and i dont wanna make her uncomfortable. I think ill be okay not acting on my feelings but its been literally less than 24 hrs since realizing my feelings might be romantic and i dont know if it will be difficult to hide or what to do about it. They're also like my only close friend so i cant just ask her what to do like i would normally, which is why im asking you.

Again, i understand if you cant answer this bc its a pretty personal situation but i would appreciate any advice.

Thank you! :)

Ahh once again prefacing with the fact that I am really Not Qualified to give advice on most things😅 but I can give you my take as an outsider on the situation and with my (very limited experience) in case that might help you at all, but again really take all of this with a LARGE grain of salt i am a VERY unqualified stranger on the internet so most of what i say is probably nonsense😅

I feel like this is like my go to advice but I’d say just wait it out tbh, as someone who was in capital L love with their childhood best friend for a while it really just came down to time for me. It took a while for me to be sure whether the feelings were romantic or platonic for SURE. Especially since the platonic love stayed for me even when the romantic love began🤷‍♀️ it made it extra tricky to tell lol.

My ‘oh this is NOT just platonic’ realization came from YEARS of excessive thinking about them, WAY too much jealousy when they dated other people, a LOT of thoughts and urges about holding their hand, a lot of comparing them to people i had passing crushes on, and (i kid you not) an embarrassing amount of love poems teenage me wrote about them lol😅

However! The slow process and thinking it through also lead me to the conclusion that i did NOT want to date them. Being a couple just wouldn’t work for us and I value them so so so SO much as my best friend and really need them in my life as that separate, constant, platonic relationship that I deeply love and care for. It works better for us than any sort of dating could🤷‍♀️ not to mention all of our other clashing traits that just wouldn’t work if our relationship was romantic. And now I’m honestly really not romantically interested in them anymore, they’re just my best friend and always will be :)

I dont think it’s too unusual to fall a bit (or a lot) romantically in love with a best or close friend, I think the more important thing to recognize is whether it’s something worth acting on, that you’re willing to act on, and that will be good for both of you to act on

So I’d say ruminate on it! There’s no pressure to figure it out, if you start getting too preoccupied with it you can try talking it through with them, not even as a confession type thing, you can simply have a conversation letting them know you’re a little confused or wanting their opinion if you think they’ll be receptive to it. Best I can tell you is that there’s no clock on figuring it out, there’s no “right” way to define what type of love you feel, and to remember that either way you’ve got a great person in your life. I’m very sorry I can’t be more help and if anyone has any other advice feel free to leave it in the notes for this person! Good luck to you and I hope you find what you’re looking for soon <3!!

[ghost--trick]

hi I have a lot of thoughts about widget. uhh they're very rambly and long, as it was written at about 2am, so if your confused by any of it lmk and ill try to clarify!!

non-mood matrix/ill call it ‘active mode’

so there's 5 basic emotions that it can't recognize– happy, sad, angry, afraid, and surprised. ill talk about the blank screen later. that's a whole other thing. so when there's multiple strong emotions it picks the strongest, and displays that. pretty simple. why this exists is a different question, though. my best guess is that it was made so that others could understand how athena was feeling when she was younger and less expressive (as said by juniper).

-

mood matrix

there's only 4 emotions here, they mix sad & afraid into what ill call ‘distressed’. (i hc that this is because it wasn't fully completed before ur-1 & they updated the active mode, but hadn't gotten to the mood matrix yet before ur-1.) ANYWAYS. this is pretty much all touched upon in-game but there's a lot glossed over.

the images are caused by athena's inputs and/or memories– not by the testimony itself, so if athena doesn't know something, it's not included in the testimony (this includes location, appearance, people present, etc.) the mood matrixes end on an image that represents the truth that the speaker was hiding.

noise. ough. this is caused when someone's feelings contradict the information submitted– but with emotions that gets pretty subjective pretty quickly.., i think it's based on athena's perspective, because she can sense discord even without the mood matrix active. I think noise & discord are different, wherein noise is when their emotions contradict their testimony & discord is when their emotions contradict themselves, but iirc that's never touched upon in-game.

because noise is measured in percentages, which presumably means that the mood matrix doesn't work/ has no use when there aren't any contradictions..? like trying to perceive someone who isn't lying. the amount that the percentages go down(/up) shows… something. presumably how many contradictory emotions there are in the testimony. but there's…. one example that stands out to me. the phantom. despite the sheer amount of odd/contradictory emotions, the mood matrix puts it (i don't remember what number.., i think it's 90%?) despite there being more contradictory emotions, and doesn't fluctuate despite the emotion fluctuating. maybe it only recognises the fear as genuine? despite picking up on the odd emotions.

basically, noise is super confusing and i have no clue what's going on there

now… the phantom… he's complicated. when he bugs out the mood matrix with the random influx of emotions, it's stated in-game that it's because he has such a control on his feelings that he can artificially create emotion. that the mood matrix picks up on. which means he actually felt all of those flickering emotions during that testimony… i think? because the hearing of emotions is separate from inflection/ how they act. and yet, it's portrayed as only the fear being genuine, especially with what mentioned previously with the lack of fluctuation in the noise? which, if so, were the other emotions not genuine? then how did the mood matrix pick up on it? is it because he runs away from his emotions, and therefore doesn't validate them, therefore not making it genuine to him? but can't fully run from the fear despite trying? im so confused.

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blurting

this one is vague, but a relatively simple concept. when she thinks something ‘loud enough’, widget will blurt it out for her. what differentiates between what's said and what isn't is beyond me, but i assume it's based on how strong the emotion associated with it is. my best guess is that this function was designed to aid athena in communicating? she was said to be very quiet as a kid so I think it would make sense.

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blank screen

I think it's an unregistered/unknown input or widget turning off. the program is probably in a constant loop, which checks her emotion each time. there are finite inputs & outputs. if the input is ‘happy’ then the output is the change of the display to the green smiley face. if the input is ‘angry’ the output is displaying the angry face. you get the gist i hope? now, when the input is unrecognized, it either outputs the blank screen as some sort of default, or it breaks the loop, shutting the entire device off. there are slight differences in the two, wherein if it was a default, the code would return to acting like normal once the emotion was recognized again. if it broke the loop, it would require athena to manually turn widget back on.

i personally believe it's the former specifically because of turnabout academy, when athena snaps back from the blank icon & widget displays the angry icon. that being said, this doesn't rule out the other option, as she could've just manually turned back on while the screen was not on her.

(this is different to when filch/sarge takes athena, as it still has a visible face there^^)

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other theory i have that is a little bit less grounded in reality but still has some reasonings:

widget wasn't originally designed for athena. the reason i think this is because of the mood matrix. when metis died, athena was just 11. she wouldn’t have been able to use it, at least not effectively. also, as seen by athena’s memories, she didn’t receive widget until after her mothers death, which is why she wasn’t wearing it at the time. I think that there are definitely some aspects that point to it being designed with athena in mind, specifically the blurt mechanic, but it would almost make more sense if it was originally designed for metis, and then shifted over to fit athena better?

[leafiion]

+more playthrough thoughts. mostly tourmaline aka the bird chapter

first of all, for the people who want to know: you can actually cut off titania's walk-away when she says "you take west, ill see if i can get anywhere north" but she doesn't have collision so she just walks right through you into the next room.

anyway. taka's dialog here is always the best. ive said it already but it's really funny. titania: (ruminating paragraph) taka: ok. anyway titania tells taka what she wishes someone would tell her and we all run off into the sunset because every single one of us in this WTC is still doomed whether to die or otherwise. aughh i hate his little begging segment it makes me so sad. taka i love you really

big gap here to do all the quests and then quickly run through devon. i know a lot of people don't like devon bc it's kinda lame but from a narrative standpoint i think it's so fucking cool like just imagining it. it falls a little flat gameplay wise but the events are very memorable and extremely interesting to reimagine

tourmaline desert time HI TAKA. myguy.. help me not only does he hide behind/lean on that tree but he also walks super slowly over the sand dune. "i know i can't win, not against you... and not against them" every time i see those lines i die a little i think. something that hits me here is how much of a snap decision his "can i come with you?" is. and its very familiar. a la "i don't suppose i can just... tag along with you?" im a huge fan of taka in general... i have a hard time super analyzing him because i see him and i go yippee!!! i love his speech mannerisms we are literally friends.

no fucking way the forbidden lemonade stand AND it has a leafeon. fuck yes. He actually buys you a lemonadeeee cries... taka to me to lin communication taka to me to lin conversation. the narrative connections between taka and lin are insane actually but i wont get into that right now

+1 relationship points for calling him my boyfriend and he doesnt even want my ride chat

"the water isnt even drinkable.. i guess id try in a pinch" god please dont drink the corpse water taka. keeping this guy alive is so hard. for obvious reasons such as that one and other things he says and does. chiefly being him trying to kill me by being so cute. anyway now we have to go to the steel gym and put taka on the shelf :( killing myself is scheduled for right now.. his princess tower scene is sooo. can we get a little gayer justa little. asking for me. anyway fine go run off whatever..

[scorchrend]

if u would like to share ur marx thoughts…… and make us all feel physically ill alongside u…….. this random anon is very much interested in hearing 👀👀👀

thats the problem istart feeling physically ill because i cant verbalize what i'm thinking it;s that bad. but since you asked this might be the push i need. UHHHHH marx thoughts. what are my marx thoughts it's like rummaging through my junk clearbook where everything is just placed anywhere and everything gets lost i do answer better and more coherently with specific questions.. btw.... hehe. Love Questions okay. random thoughts go

marx is a really attention seeking guy. thrives out of getting a rise from other people. pre super star though, i don't think he has any real friends despite being a common sight due to his tricksterisms and funny things. i don't think he's done this in canon really, but personally i like to make it so that marx used to work under dedede. you know. big castle, you think it has cool stuff, should give pretty good benefits to staff right? but then kirby's dream land happens and hes like Bro this Sucks and skedaddles. so yeah no meaningful relationships

i like the idea that marx is friendly with kirby pre kirby super star, but i don't think it's a relationship that can really be described as "friends" more than "staying on good terms and excitedly saying hi whenever you see each other, have a little small talk, and go separate ways." i mean, to kirby, they're friends. i don't think marx knows this when he asks kirby for help in milky way wishes, he's relying on kirby's helpful nature the trust is just kind of a bonus. as for why marx soul is like that i dont fucking know man these are random ass thoughts

thing is i think marx genuinely thinks kirby's a cool stand up dude especially after kirby's dream land but i think he just got Sooo Fucking Pissed thats why mww happens or whatever but i'm not sure either since i'm just spitting words. whatever his reasons are they always change in my head, marx is an enigma to me Even as a local marx enjoyer

as for his relationship with magolor it's the average They meet after Marx Blows Up and magolor is in the area and like Damn well i'm not gonna leave that guy out there am i. then bla bla friends (menaces) and puts the idea of nabbing that crown from landia. less of an intentional thing you know, but even if marx blew up he still kinda had something to show for it you knoe. the wings and the nova power. i can't say why they'd part ways (i don't know either) but basically before that they enjoyed some weird shit like pranking randos maybe Way Too Hard

anyways, after they part ways, marx probably goes planet hopping for a bit but eventually settles back on popstar. guys got the wanderer bones in him but i really think he thinks life on popstar is swell. he wanted to rule it for a reason i guess?? also the nearby planets he can fly to are Pretty Empty. I think.i actually genuinely don;t inow what im saying though im making a lot of this on the spot

reason for thinking marx has been hiding out on planet popstar: he's readily available in kirby star allies from the first dream palace. i know the dream rod summons them but like for my purposes i think it's just kinda like YOU. COME HERE.

okay but you know who else is in wave 1 that's right rick kine coo and gooey. i think they become friends. i think they're marx's first real friends (if you count them becoming friends while marx is disguised? they keep it up even after they find out. trying to be the kirby they want to see in the world or something.) like i got a little idea where its kinda like Damn i kinda wanna Fuck Up Everything but then he experiences laughing With people and not just Laughing at or Being laughed at and is like Fuuuckkk this is kindasick actually. UGH plans POSTPONED!! he is still 100% a shithead though these improvements dont really happen until marx drops his disguise after he meets magolor again (between rtdl and dream collection)

as for marx and magolor's reconciliation i feel like it's really smooth at first while magolor recovers from an arduous warp or whatever but when magolor starts showing discomfort at the ... hobbies marx has there starts to be tension because marx starts feeling like magolor is ignoring him and doesn't want to associate (even if magolor does want to keep being friends). however they deal with that is still up in the air but it required a lot of arguing, magolor apology to the dream team, marx blowing his "presumed dead" cover just to cover for magolor on something, etc. stuff that shows both parties really value their friendship even after they've changed and paths diverged quite a bit. fyi their arguments are so fucking bombastic because they WERE so SIMILAR that any insults they toss at the other is a double edged sword, and evidences some kind of self loathing

for marx's relationship with kirby i honestly think they're chill. but ofc marx exasperates kirby at times.

also marx has to get hisinfo from somewhere so i think he does in fact read stuff. only stuff interesting to him but he does read and when he does he Reads reads. thats how the Loser hatched his plan regarding nova anyways. somehow taranza finds outabout this and hes like Oh my god someone who understands media. Marx vehemently denies this (but cannot resist screaming at other people who have shit takeaways from x book he likes) (Marx has opinions on notoriously polarizing character Eon based on historical figure Aeon Hero) (not anything i consider important just something funny)

i could go on forever but for now i think my brain is all worded out. not even sure if any of this makes sense. here you go anon. enjoy.