#for real we have had enough eating disorders in the family!!!

[bisexualmoses]

I had a discussion with my younger sister and I was like real talk I don’t think I’m gonna keep k4p this year and she was like yeah same I’m gonna eat rice. And I was like PLEASE eat rice

[kaliforniahigh]

Starting to date Noah and sneakily avoiding any food related get togethers or saying you aren't hungry all the time. Redirecting date ideas to something unrelated to food. Texting with him and telling him that you aren't hungry even though he knows you only had a coffee and a muffin today. Thinking he doesn't notice because he's a guy after all. Little do you know that he's asked the guys if they have noticed how you never eat around them. Maybe he notices a calorie tracker on your phone. After he confronts you, he learns that you're extremely uncomfortable eating in front of people, in public especially, because ex's have made comments about your weight. Never being completely comfortable eating around people but he likes to leave you little premade snacks and seeing the empty container makes him feel better.

Honestly I'm terrible for having a single coffee a day, eating maybe 3 times a week. Mostly I'm just busy but there is always a little voice in my head saying that I haven't burned enough calories to be eating anything.

Thank you for trusting me with this request <3 Please seek help if you need to, we care about you and we want to see you happy and healthy!

Warnings: this story deals with eating disorder and a toxic relationship (not with Noah), hospitals and fat-shaming comments directed at reader.

Requests are closed for now.

WC: 2.3k

"You're not putting that in the cart", you heard a voice behind you.

You usually skipped the junk food isles whenever you went to the grocery store. You didn't know why you stopped this time, but you were hoping he wouldn't find you. It was just your luck that your boyfriend showed up right behind you as you grabbed a package of Oreos.

"I wasn't going to, was just looking at it", you put the Oreos back on the shelf.

"Those have around 471 calories, we don't need that going into your body", he told you as he grabbed a pack of KitKats and dropped in the cart. You wanted to tell him those have 518 calories, but you kept your mouth shut.

It was always like this, he could eat whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, but deprived you of the basic pleasures of life, like eating an Oreo for dessert.

You rarely went out to eat, him telling you that restaurants didn't use good quality ingredients, therefore, the food wasn't healthy and there was too much grease. Instead, you stayed wholed up in your house, eating whatever bland food he made for you.

Even now, a year after ending this relationship, you still held on to some habits, like checking the calories on things before you bought them and avoid eating fried food. But eating in front of people was the habit that was the hardest to let go of. You knew they most likely didn't give a shit or didn't even pay attention to you, but you couldn't help but feel their eyes on you, judging how much you could eat.

You hated the person he made you become. You were never like this as a kid. Your parents always made you feel comfortable in your own skin. Family gatherings always consisted of a lot of food, made and assembled on the table with love and care by your family members. And you weren't shy about eating and tasting all of it.

Now, you couldn't fathom the though of eating a whole burger by yourself.

That's why when you met Noah and his friends, you felt such whiplash from the behavior patterns you were used to in your last relationship.

You soon noticed that when they ordered food, they ordered food for real. They were a big group of people, but still, it looked like the amount of food could feed an army. You could always get away without eating in these social gatherings, everyone was so focused on their own food and conversations that they didn't even notice you not eating.

When Noah asked you out on your fist date, you specifically told him to not take you out to eat at a restaurant. You made up a lie about you having a lot of food allergies. So he took you to the Santa Monica pier, that way, you could choose whatever you wanted to eat.

You popped a couple of popcorns in your mouth - it was the healthiest option you could find - and when he finished his hot dog and excused himself to the bathroom to wash his hands, you dumped the popcorn in the nearest trash can.

That was almost six months ago and you thought you were so unsuspecting with your eating habits, that is until you were strolling through the supermarket with Noah.

He noticed you grabbed a lot of things from the shelves, looked over the packaging and put it back. By the third time he saw you doing this, he couldn't help but ask.

"Baby, what are you doing?", he asked you and noticed you freezing a little at his question.

"What do you mean?" you tried to buy yourself some time to come up with an excuse as to why you were looking over the nutrition facts on everything you wanted to buy.

"If you want anything, you can just put it in the cart, no problem", he told you as he walked closely behind you through the isle.

"It's ok, I can't eat any any of these things anyway, the calories are out of this world", you kept walking, not even noticing what you just said and that Noah completely came to a halt behind you.

"Baby", he called out to you and you looked back at him, he walked the couple of steps to reach you, leaving the cart behind and standing in front of you. "Were you checking the calories on every food you picked up?", he grabbed your face in his hands as he asked you the question.

"N-no, it wasn't that", you answered, but stuttered and he could tell you were lying.

"You don't have to look at that shit, if you want to eat it, we can buy it, the damn calories don't make a difference"

His words were sweet and you could tell he was worried, but you wished it was that simple. Your mind just can't get past all the scoldings if you even dared to take a look at the foods he forbid you from eating, or the way he made you weigh yourself weekly to see if you gained any weight.

"Can we talk about this later?", you told him in a small voice, not wanting to discuss this in the middle of the supermarket isle, or ever, actually.

"We'll talk about it when you're ready", he gave you a peck on the lips and dropped the subject for the moment. You breathed a sigh of relief and held yourself back from grabbing anything from the shelves.

After this day, Noah kept a close eye on you, noticing how you kept to your water instead of eating anything with the guys when they were over having lunch or dinner, or how you left before or after luch or dinner time whenever it was just the two of you.

So he decided to talk to Nicholas about it.

"Have you noticed anything strange with Y/N lately?" he asked his best friend when they were sitting on the couch playing Mario Kart one night.

"No, dude. Should I have noticed something?", Nicholas asked back. Noah was sure he wasn't imagining things.

"We were buying stuff at the supermarket the other day and I noticed she was looking at the packages of everything she picked up from the shelves", he started to explain, and Nicholas paused the game so he could pay attention to what Noah was saying.

"So I questioned her about it and she said something about calories, and then I realized that she was checking the nutritional facts to decide if she would buy it or not. So I started to pay attention and noticed that she doesn't eat anything around us or me", he gave a big sigh of frustration. He wanted to confront you about it, but didn't want you to run for the hills.

"I offered her some chicken wings the other night but she refused them", Nicholas pointed out to him.

"Can you just keep an eye on her? Just to make sure I'm not making things up in my head?" Nicholas nodded and assured him he would say something if he noticed anything strange.

The days went by and you kept to the same pattern, until one day when Noah was sitting in the studio, working on new music and his phone rang beside him. Looking at the caller ID, he saw it was your mother giving him a call.

It wasn't unsual for them to talk, but they never called each other, choosing to stick to text messages intead. He picked up the phone as soon as he saw it was her.

"Hey, what's up?" he greeted, heart beating faster for no reason at all.

"Hey, Noah. I can't explain right now, but Y/N is in the hospital. She's fine, but I think she needs to see you", her voice was calm and that's what helped not alarm him too much. He got up from the chair and didn't bother putting his sneakers on, opting for the sliders already on his feet.

"I'll be there in a minute", he told her.

"I'll be waiting for you at the entrance", he gave a hum of acknowledgment and hung up the phone.

His head ran over a million possibilities of what could've happened to you, but he tried to keep himself from going crazy on the drive to the hospital. Your mom said you were fine, and he trusted her.

Sure enough, she was waiting for him at the entrance, wanting to talk to him before he went into your room. He approached her and they hugged as a greeting.

"Listen, I know you've probably noticed Y/N's eating habits by now", she told him and he nodded. "She is gonna tell you all you need to know, just please be patient with her. I know you're a good man and she's gonna need your support right now"

"I'll do anything she needs me to do" he reassured her.

"I know you are. She is in room 102" she told Noah and he got inside the hospital, stopping at the reception and then being led to your room.

He opened the door and saw you laying there on the bed. The sight broke his heart. You looked fragile and a little embarassed.

"Hi, baby" he said in a soft tone, not wanting to alarm you, as he took a seat on the chair, scooting over closer to your bed.

"Hey, there. I guess I owe you an explanation", you looked at him with a guilty look on your face.

"What happened, baby?", he took your hands in his and gave you his full attention.

"Apparently I'm very anemic", you let out a sarcastic laugh. "Before I met you, I had a boyfriend", you dived straight into it, not giving you the time to talk yourself out of this. "He was very controlling, specially with what I ate. He always told me he wasn't the kind of guy to date overweight girls", you felt his grip on your hand tighten at your words.

"He made me check the calories on everything I bought at the supermarket, hence why I was doing it that day. He would get very annoyed if I even looked at unhealthy foods in front of him. He made me weigh myself in front of him every week to make sure I didn't gain weight"

You closed your eyes, tears stinging them and threating to fall down your cheeks. But you kept going regardless.

"He was cruel because he ate everything I couldn't in front of me. To this day, I really do believe it was a form of psychological torture. I finally had the guts to break up with him after talking with my mom and my therapist", you looked at him and saw his brows were furrowed, you could tell he was angry about everything this man put you through.

"But old habits die hard and I guess I haven't fully realized I'm not in that place anymore. Everytime I reach for something at the supermarket or anytime you guys order food or we have a barbeque, his voice and his insults echo in my head all over again, and I can't help it but let it consume me"

"If I'm being honest with you, I just wanna bash this dude's head in right now", he said through gritted teeth. He couldn't fathom anyone putting their partner through this kind of thing.

"I heard he moved out of the country a few months back" you told him and he was actually glad, because he was already making plans in his head on how to find this guy and give him a piece of his mind.

"What can I do to help you?", he decided to change the topic of conversation to what you needed right now. He was going to focus on you.

"Going to therapy weekly again is a must. And try to get out of my comfort zone. In another words, I really have to start and try to eat more and more regularly" you told him and you could see the gears in his head turning.

"Here's what we're gonna do: you're gonna make a list of everything you're comfortable eating, and I'm gonna make you meals and snacks with those. You don't have to eat in front of me if you don't want to, I just need to know you're eating. And then the foods that trigger you, we can work on them together along with your therapist to make sure you're safe with eating them again" he had a whole game plan set out, and your eyes welled with tears for a different reason this time.

"It might take a while" you warned him.

"We have forever to work on it" he leaned over you to plant a kiss on your forehead.

The weeks following, he kept a close eye on you, but made sure to not crowd you. He had various snacks in different containers in the fridge for you to grab whenever you felt hungry, and you made an effort to put the empty containers on the countertop so he could see you were eating them.

Therapy felt good and soon you were finding yourself getting out of your shell more and more. You and Noah went on your first dinner date, and you finally got to taste Matt's amazing barbeque. Drinking beer again was amazing, and you would never forget the taste of having a sweet treat after a long day, or after a delicious meal.

You got to experience what a real relationship felt like, how it was to have supportive people around you. You no longer felt like you were being watched and judged, instead, they encouraged you to be yourself with no shame.

[twig-tea]

With 23.5 finally coming out, the people are rejoicing at finally getting a high profile gl from GMMTV. But there have already been several gls airing this year, including my fav TsukuTabe, that have been flying under the radar with fandom, and in general there are more gls already out there than folks seem to think. I just know you have a list of all the gls we should be watching, please share with the class!

Thank you for the ask! How did you know I had a draft of GL recs to make at some point? [Trick question, I mentioned it to you.]

It may seem like I'm out here hating on GL because i've made a couple of negative reviews of recently airing series recently (Love Senior and Chaser Game W in case you're curious) but I actually have lots of GL that I love and that I wish were better known! Thanks for sending this ask so I am inspired to actually finish it! I've limited myself to series so that I could keep the list and this post to a reasonable length. Where possible I've listed where you can find each of these and included a link. And I've included an 'elevator pitch' summary but I am NOT in marketing for a reason, so please don't roast me too hard for my terrible comparisons. Alright, enough waffling!

Twig's GL Rec List

She Loves to Cook and She Loves to Eat S1 & 2 (Japan, 2022 & 2024, both seasons fansubbed by @furritsubs; if you need help accessing this show feel free to DM me!)

Elevator pitch: Our Dining Table with lesbians and an even slower burn. Watch for beautiful food, acespec rep, mental health and therapy rep

What might turn some off: Extremely low heat, and quite slow-moving; warning for a disordered eating and family trauma plot (v gently handled)

Let's start with the one you've already mentioned. This is a heartwarming slice-of-life slow burn in which an autismspec-coded woman who likes to eat is invited by her neighbour, a femme acespec woman who loves to cook, to come and eat her food. It starts from a very practical place (when you love making food you need someone to help eat it), but their relationship grows as they spend more time together. The story follows them as they both move towards self-actualization in several ways: as a lesbian, as asexual, at work, with their families, with their friends, with each other. This show is so careful to say the important words aloud. And there is so much delicious cooking! Each episode highlights a particular recipe, and the food porn is real. Do not watch while hungry, but definitely watch. The found famiy vibes in this one one are also immaculate.

She Makes My Heart Flutter (Korea, 2022, YouTube)

Elevator pitch: Younger lesbian friend group tries to help out (slightly) older lesbian bar owner with mixed success. I can't think of a good BL equivalent, The Moment Since feels the closest with its similar bartender/patron romance

What might turn some off: Comedic tone; short runtime; struggles with being closeted

This is a gem of a miniseries about a bar owner and an interior designer who smoulder at one another while an intrepid group of younger bar regulars (including the bar owner's neice) meddle. This series is really cute, solid, and full of sapphics! Once again found family vibes are immaculate (you may sense a theme in my faves). Run don't walk.

Fragrance of the First Flower (Taiwan, 2021, GagaOOLala)

Elevator pitch: Right-person-wrong-time/second chance romance; tonally is a little like We Best Love 2: Fighting Mr. 2nd but with an ambiguous ending.

What might turn you off: Medium heat, second chance romance means they break up once, internalized homophobia, adultery/cheating, at one point there's a creepy dude, child with autism (depicted well), ambiguous ending

At its core this is a story of a woman who can't stop getting in the way of her own happiness. This series is a little more sad than the rest of this rec list but I couldn't not include it because this relationship is so poignant. Plus there's a s2 that supposedly is to come out in 2024 so maybe we'll get our happy ending after all?

Love Greater Than or Equal to 70 Degrees C (Korea, 2019, YouTube)

Elevator pitch: Ingredients but with lesbians staring at one another over beautiful tea pairings! What more could you ask for?

What might turn you off: Low heat; short runtime; ambiguous ending; like Ingredients this is essentially a long ad for the café it's filmed at.

This is a Korean miniseries about passionate tea sommeliers making really fancy tea while staring at one another a LOT. Perfect sapphic representation, 10/10 no notes. This one packs a lot of the drama tropes into its short runtime, so even though it's short it's full of butterfly-inspiring moments.

Sleep With Me (Philippines, 2022, GagaOOLala/iWantTFC/Netflix w/VPN set to Philippines)

Elevator pitch: The Truth About Cats and Dogs but the self esteem issues are handled without catfishing. BL equivalent: Hmmm. Closest I can think of is Gaya Sa Pelikula.

What might turn you off: There's some ableism (treated as such) in this show; Open ending.

Stellar GL between a late night radio DJ and an insomniac who listens to her show. One of the main couple is a wheelchair user and the show tackles ablelism and navigating disability in relationship as well as feelings of inadequacy in a relationship and how that manifests as interpersonal conflict.

Our Relationship Ended Before it Began (Korea, 2022, YouTube)

Elevator Pitch: Along the lines of I Cannot Reach You; the show gives both perspectives and they are held back by queer angst.

What might turn you off: No kiss (but they make it very clear both want to kiss), internalized homophobia

Really sweet miniseries about having a crush and being afraid of being hurt so you don't actually make a move. I really like the way the girl who has not dated a girl before defaults to gender roles and it throws the more experienced lesbian lol I also really like the way this show makes clear that both of them are waiting for a kiss, and that if you get in your head about things, it can get in the way of your own happiness!

Pearl Next Door (Philippines, 2020, Youtube)

Elevator Pitch: Gameboys but with lesbian vloggers.

What might turn you off: Love triangle, lots of teasing but low heat in the end, a lot of (good) conversations about mental health issues, ambiguous ending

This is the GL spinoff to Gameboys, starring Pearl from Gameboys. Pearl ends up being fought over by the two gorgeous women in the gif, an old love and a new. I love the queer friendships in this story as much as the relationships. I will say it's an open ending (that felt a bit like the showrunners didn't want to decide between ships) and definitely the love triangle features prominently but even in the face of these aspects that would normally turn me off a series I had a good time. The characters and interpersonal conflicts feel very real, and are allowed to be complex even when the show tone is comedic.

Dear Uranus (Taiwan, 2021, YouTube)

Elevator Pitch: Schoolgirl ensemble GL; a little like My School President but without the singing.

What might turn you off: Short runtime; ambiguous ending; a little bit of bullying; very standard romance trope execution

The first Taiwanese GL miniseries, this series was produced by a Taiwanese lesbian couple (Rabbit & Wolf)! Lots of excellent drama tropes, and incredibly gorgeous women (I think the entire watching audience fell in love with Erol.

Lily Fever (Korea, 2015, YouTube)

Elevator pitch: Complete crack; YYY but with more kissing and frankly an even less coherent story.

What might turn you off: The lack of coherent plot; less a romance and more a very thirsty lesbian kissing everyone she can

This miniseries is utter chaos. Nothing really makes sense, it's all just random excuses to cause very suggestive moments (and kissing) to happen. I love so much how this series depicts women being so absolutely thirsty for one another (and yes that date isn't a typo, this series is ~9 years old). Not an "happy ever after" ending but it really isn't that kind of story.

Chasing Sunsets (Philippines, 2020, YouTube)

Elevator pitch: Ocean Likes Me with lesbians. Resort romance with a mental health twist.

What might turn you off: Some of the mental health stuff gets intense, this was filmed in 2020 so the pandemic features heavily; hopeful but slightly ambiguous ending.

A complex story from the Philippines covering mental health and finding yourself. A woman shows up to a resort and befriends one of the women running the resort. They get closer as they spend time together, and the resort owner realizes something is off. There's also a BL side couple in this series.

Show Me Love (Thai, 2023, YouTube)

Elevator pitch: A little like My Day the series with lesbians, in that they work together and fall in love and it's full of tropes

What might turn you off: The advertising for the Miss Grand competition, there is some bullying and cheating (though way less than I was expecting tbh), not a lot actually happens, the editing gets a bit wonky at the end

This is essentially a massive ad for the Miss Grand Thailand competition; this GL was produced by the same company that produces that competition, and the stars are mostly Miss Grand competitors. The main pairing were shipped in the actual competition, and the company decided to make a GL about them. It's very slow paced and low-stakes, and there are better kisses than I expected considering everything I just said about where this show came from. There are a lot of cute moments!

Girlfriend Project (Korea, 2022, YouTube)

Elevator Pitch: Love Class with lesbians

What might turn you off: One of the leads is kind of mean in that pgitail-pulling way? It ends abruptly (but happily)

This is a short miniseries about two girls paired in a class that are assigned to "date". The chemistry is chemistrying. And there is a kiss (a good kiss, and a tiptoes kiss at that!). This show also has one of my favourite tropes, in which someone who seems like a pushover stands up for themselves and their partner finds it very attractive. For the record, in this show they are watching another GL by the same company, Love Tech.

Lulu (Philippines, 2022, Vivamax/grey)

Elevator Pitch: Present Perfect with lesbians (but with a better ending).

What might turn you off: Depictions of panic attacks, brief depiction of drowning, pandemic lockdowns, illness, exes, waffling, happy but open ending (which I actually liked for this story)

Two women trying to move on from the garbage in their lives meet at the beach of a B&B (where one saves the other from drowning) and become one another's company during their escape and then something more. They both have baggage that seems determined to keep them apart even as they continue to be drawn together. In the end, they decide to stick it out and see where they end up, with no guarantee of happily ever after, which I found very sweet. Requires either a VivaMax account or searching the grey for it, but it's worth the effort (check MyDramaList comments for suggestions on where to find it). Plus one of the leads has a cactus as a pet.

Welcome to the Lesbian Bar (Korea, 2023, YouTube)

Elevator Pitch: A little like Fudanshi Bartender but without the fudanshi bartender and all of the bar patrons are lesbians lol

What might turn you off: Short, can get a little bit preachy, abrupt ending

Cute short series with different very stories every episode as different patrons visit the bar. The stories range from women who have been together for awhile, to people meeting from an online app for the first time, to someone visiting a lesbian bar for the first time; and yet the story all weaves together in a way that's satisfying though ends abruptly. Includes some solid marriage equality propaganda.

GAP the Series (Thai, 2022, YouTube)

Elevator Pitch: Kind of the vibes of Together with Me but lesbians and in an office instead of school. Angry boss falls for charming new intern and

What might turn you off: This one is the highest heat of all these recs; homophobia especially amongst family, brief depictions of death by car, brief mentions of suicide, cheating, bullying, abuse of power in the office.

A list would not be complete without this one! Honestly the plot is a bit wobbly but the show is a lot of fun. The girls are very cute, the feelings and tension builds really well between them, the friend group is excellent, and in the special we get a wedding.

---

The rest of these have caveats of one kind or another, but i couldn't leave them off a rec list, so here are the side couples and censored stories that are still worth your time anyway (I might do a separate more detailed post for these, as well as for films, one day if there's interest):

Nevertheless (GL side; Korean, 2021, Netflix) Not sure it's worth watching a whole kdrama for side lesbians? Search soljiwan on youtube. They are great. Even the Netflix account stans them. I watched this (ngl, I watched the SolJiwan cut) as it aired and was constantly braced for it to let us down but it did not! A really good friends-to-lovers story.

Friend Zone 2: Dangerous Area (GL side; Thailand, 2019, YouTube): These sapphics are messy and I love them. Decent conversation about dating someone with mental health issues in this series, and they're one of the only couples in this ensemble to get a happy ending. If you're just watching the lesbian couple (which you can, their story is pretty self-contained) you don't need to have seen s1.

Six Survivors (GL side; Japan, 2022, Viki) This show is a horror comedy and it is SO MUCH FUN. Warning for zombies and blood, but way less than you might think. One of the eponymous 6 survivors is a lesbian who keeps trying to convert them to veganism lol. If you watched Chaser Game W you'll recognize one of the actresses in this, the lead actress is from Kamisama no Ekohiiki, and one of the guys is from the prequel series His as well as I Want to See Only You! And yes there is a kiss. Also a surprising number of Mallrats references. Not for people who can't handle gore or relationships being complicated/not a "true love" story/ambiguous ending.

Kamisama no Ekohiiki (complicated question of is it GL in parts, Japan, 2021, furritsubs once again coming through to save the day) This one is a bit complex because there's bodyswap, but the girl who falls for the bodyswapped boy-in-a-girl's-body is clear that she is only interested in the girl. One of the better bodyswap stories because the bodyswap is not a secret for very long, so instead there's a lot of introspection about what gender means and who/what they are attracted to. Feels wrong to call this GL, necessarily, but it's very queer.

Couple of Mirrors (Censored GL, China, 2021, Viki) Story of a rich girl and her assassin girlfriend. This production did an amazing job getting away with what they could, just don't watch the last five minutes and we've got essentially a happy lesbian family.

Legend of Yunze (Censored GL, China, 2021, @douqi7s) Very cute very low budget xianxia miniseries with two seasons and a special. The special is set in modern times in a future lifetime so if you want a cute censored-but-clearly-a-soulmate-love-story this is the one for you. Don't be thrown off by the weird cuts/abrupt episode endings, that's in line with cdramas in general.

Led Astray by Love (Censored GL, China, 2021, @douqi7s) A very fun and adorable isekai story in which a modern day girl is transported to a wuxia novel setting and has to figure out how to get home, and gets romanced by the princess along the way.

And a few additional links for people who even more content:

My Indian sapphic webseries rec list

My suggestions for content with toms (Thai category that's similar to but not exactly the same as butch lesbians) in response to this post.

This really good GL MyDramaList list (not made by me!) lists what seems to be everything I've mentioned and about 200 more. Even I haven't seen a few of these!

My YouTube playlist of sapphic content: This includes anything I stumble across or find in my searches, a lot of music videos and random shorts as well as some microseries and miniseries that I don't consider GL but are WLW/sapphic in addition to true "GL" content. For serialized content, I add just the first ep. A complete mess, but you can trawl through to find stuff to watch, like Hetero!

SOONOTSUE: The same producers of She Makes My Heart Flutter have other short series on their channel worth checking out; if you liked that one, try Out of Breath!

Shakeshoulder: Thai YouTube producers of very pulpy (read: low budget and dramatic plots) shorts

FuFuKnows: This YouTube channel is owned by a gay Taiwanese couple that produces shorts every week, including some with GL mains and sides. These are very low budget but cover a whole swath of queer themes.

@douqi7s is a godsend providing subtitles for all kinds of content, including sapphic shorts and more series than I've listed here. Check their tumblr for links to all of their content; A Practical Guide to Being a Superstar's Assistant has one of the best setups to giving us great moments in the guise of something else so that they get past censorship I've ever seen; I also recommend The Vampires if you're into genre fiction, as well as Legend of Yunqian if you enjoyed the xianxia parts of Legend of Yunze. @wlwcatalogue did an excellent summary of many of the non-wuxia options here.

Quick pitch for the streaming platform GagaOOLala; it's affordable, has a ton of content, including a whack of GLs (originals, license series, and a ton of shorts), and is run by queer people out of Taiwan who care about good quality queer content being made and having an audience, and using the soft power from those successful series to support social change. And if you can't afford a subscription it's worth checking out what they have for free, they open up temporary free access to some things for various events throughout the year.

In searching for gifs for this post I found fellow tumblr user @drowningparty 's WLW compendium list; they've listed more series and films so check it out if you still need more content!

*wipes sweat off brow* that should be enough to be getting on with, but it's really just the tip of the iceberg! If there's something specific you want to see with sapphics let me know and I can tell you if I know it exists. Anyway, I hope this gives you and everyone else a taste of what all is out there! I of course always want more, I am serious about being a sapphic dragon hoarding every crumb i can get my lizardy hands on, but I do think what we have should also be appreciated more. If I missed one of your faves, please tell me!

[liquidorcard]

Hey fam we're gunna inact in some sinful behavior again and get real for a sec here on the shitposting blog so TW: Discussion of substance abuse, mental health issues, SA, etc.

You may have noticed I took a bit of a break from posting for a bit. It wasn't entirely due to Lily's "junkie" rant here, but it was partially responsible.

A lot about Lily high key cheeses my biscuits, I've made that pretty clear. Lily and I have a . . . Strange amount in common in some regards. I'm a trans person myself, I come from a similar, shall we say, "dysfunctional home environment" Lily does. We're even both Canadian, close enough in age I grew up with a lot of the exact same regional-specific media she did. We've had some other life experiences in common.

With that said, Lily's almost like the evil funhouse mirror version of my life. I was sexually assaulted for the first time at basically the exact same age Courtney was. Lily reminds me very much of my first partner, who physically, emotionally and sexually abused me. Unlike Lily, I am from an actual multi-racial family and have had the somewhat unique experiences and gotten the somewhat unique perspective of being a white person partially influenced and organically adopted into more predominantly POC culture. I've had to come to terms with my own white privilege and the ways Western colonialism has influenced me on a level far more personal than it would be for someone from a more monoracial and monocultural family than mine. While also coming to terms with and accepting the ways my family has been judged and discriminated against for being so blended.

There's also just the fact that Lily seems to (I wonder if, on some level, intentionally) act like the alt-right caricature of a progressive leftist in the most performative way imaginable, while also clearly not actually being left-wing at all. My pet theory is that the only thing stopping Lily from going full Blaire White MAGA butt monkey is that her pride can't take it. Being treated like a useful idiot for the right to "prove" they're not bigots while treating her with open hostility in every other regard. So she's as "leftist" as she needs to be to get the 12 year olds she's trying to court on her side because they don't know any better. While being profoundly anti-labor, pro-capitalist. Even though the only reason why the alt-right hyper focus on identity politic bullshit like that is becayse it's a wedge issue that allows them to skirt around talking about actual policy.

There's also just the fact that someone can be so, confidently, shit-eating levels of wrong and stupid about the most asinine things. I actually work professionally in the fields Lily has decided her opinions are worth vomiting out into the ether. Fields people in general are way too comfortable speaking with authority on shit they know absolutely nothing about-- but Lily is for sure a special case.

Point is: I'm very used to Lily making me go into turbo big upsetti spaghetti mode. I've been aware of her for YEARS. I'm over it . . . Until I'm not.

I've alluded to it a few times already: I'm a recovered drug user, though I've struggled with general substance abuse and impulse control issues for longer. Particularly because of untreated mental health issues like C-PTSD, a dissociative disorder, gender dysphoria and ADHD. Particularly because of untreated physical health issues that just a few years ago almost killed me. Issues that caused me significant pain, mental distress, and slowly worsening disability since I was 11 years old. Went totally untreated until they came close to taking my life. It's no coincidence that I started stealing my parent's booze when I was around 12 or 13 years old.

The worst, ugliest, most humiliating aspects of yourself? Addiction will put them front and center. It will cause you to do things, act in ways, find out things about yourself you're never going to be able to unknow. You have to live with for the rest of your life.

You're aware of it-- the whole time. What a fucking creature you've become. How you are hurting the people closest to you. It's not fun. The whole time, you want to stop. But you can't. You don't know why you just can't control yourself, what you're supposed to do. You're afraid of asking for help out of fear of judgement or punishment. Drugs are mostly decriminalized in Canada and still, if someone just took access away from my poison of choice and sent me on my way with no further help--- I would have just walked into traffic.

The worst of my issues happened due to some absolutely insane levels of medical irresponsibility that I won't fully get into because they're too long to explain. But I will tell you that, already aware I had substance abuse issues, I *explicitly warned* the doctor who prescribed me the medication that I didn't feel I could be responsible to be put on anything addictive. She assured me it was not. Spoiler altert: it was addictive. A lot of addicts descent into rock bottom beginning with something they were prescribed.

Drug companies will put in these "anti-abuse" measures into otherwise addictive substances that it takes half a brain cell to circumvent. Just take my word for it.

I overdosed at least once, maybe twice on the drug I was originally prescribed. Alone. By some insane luck I survived both times without getting further medical treatment. But as I built up a tolerance what I was originally prescribed wasn't the *only thing* I ended up abusing in that period of my life. I was going to die if I didn't do something soon, and I knew it.

I was lucky. My sister drove two cities over after a night shift to my rescue and quite literally set me on the road to saving my life. My doctor was compassionate enough to allow me to get off of what I was originally addicted to at my own pace, and correctly identified I needed a medication overhaul to do so. My older brother made sure I wasn't dying of dehydration or starvation during my detox period and made sure to do the daily tasks I didn't have the mental capacity to do at that time aswell. Without them I wouldn't be here today.

NOT EVERY DRUG USER IS AS FORTUNATE AS ME, HOWEVER. And even then, recovery is not a straight line, or as simple as having certain substances kept away. It's a demon you'll be fighting the rest of your life, in many instances. Mine included. Part of getting off the harmful substances I was was getting a prescription to Adderall, as I was partially self-medicating for. Something my doctor still monitors me with to ensure I'm not falling back into bad habits with. Something Lily is CURRENTLY bitching about not being able to get a prescription for-- I wonder why, Lily.

I have now gone through THREE surgeries without painkillers. And in one particularly awful incident, was treated rather cruelly by the medical staff over refusing to take them. To quote, of all things, fucking Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo, "if you live with pain long enough, you learn to enjoy the taste." But nothing is like the nightmare of chemical dependence. Pain is immaterial to that kind of hell.

I know Lily is saying this bullshit just to vaguepost about Courtney, but I don't care. Fuck her. Fuck her for daring to judge me, and those like me. That she was that comfortable being this vile about the matter publically should give you a good indication as to how comfortable even other people are to talking down to addicts.

She wouldn't have survived the shit I went through. I dare her to try. She's way too much of a little piss baby to crawl her way out of that kind of suffering.

I know this is a meme page, but I refuse to be ashamed of talking about it. If anyone would like some more information about my experience or has questions as to why Lily's opinion on the matter is dogshit and vile, feel free to dm me or send me an ask. I'll make it clear why Lily is fucking scum for having the balls to say this publically. I'll make her regret it.

[pugh-bug]

No.42 Chapter 7

Art Donaldson x reader slow burn

If you’re still reading this series I appreciate you so much 🫶🏻 this is a pretty angsty chapter - vague implications of an eating disorder.

Part 6

——————————————————————

You had twelve texts, mostly from Liam, with the most recent being:

11:49am - Text from Liam

Thanks for coming you looked great haha

get home safe ok ;)

The wink you barely registered in your exhausted morning state, instead you rolled over to see Art asleep on your floor. He was in last nights clothes, as were you, and curled up in the foetus position. The temperature outside had finally dropped enough degrees to let a light breeze through your open window, brushing Art’s curls off his cheek. He looked angelic.

‘He might need you more.’

What did he need you for? He had Art for friendship, Liam for rivalry, his family for financial stability and himself setting his future aspirational lifestyle in motion. All of these thoughts swam in your head like hunting gators as you listened to Art’s peaceful breathing. What was he dreaming about? You hoped something good, your recent dreams had caused you nothing but high blood pressure.

CLANG!

Ah…Patrick. Morning coffee time.

‘Hmmm?’ Art mumbled, opening his eyes slowly. The poor boy must have the worst hangover of anyone’s life (you’d say of his but it was likely Art’s first real one). ‘How are we feeling?’ You cooed, sitting cross legged on your bed staring down at him. For a moment you received no response other than groaning, as Art clambered to a seating position. His eyes were still foggy when he cleared his throat to ask what time it was.

‘It’s 12.’

Another groan. ‘Shit…where are my - I’m sorry why am I in your room?’ He looked around frantically for his phone or water, so you gestured to your nightstand which stocked both. You smiled slightly at Art’s sleepy, confused voice. ‘You tell me,’ you shrugged, trying to remember. ‘We probably got out the Uber and just collapsed in here instead of your room cos it’s closer…Pat’s slept on the couch maybe?’

Art ran his fingers through his hair, straining his neck up with wide but distant eyes. He looked, for a moment, like he’d stopped breathing. Like he’d severed the oxygen to his brain and he was going to sit and wait to crack. His nails were even starting to dig in on his own arm.

‘Art.’ You snapped your fingers in his face and he seemed to come back from wherever he’d been. ‘Are you okay?’ Art solemnly took in your concerned frown for a moment before standing up and saying ‘Thanks for looking after me.’ on his way out.

——————————————————————

Art had been too exhausted to go to practise but not too exhausted, apparently, to do press ups in the kitchen. You walked in, after your shower, expecting to find the two of them watching tv not working out - well Patrick wasn’t. ‘I know I know, you try telling him.’ Was all Patrick offered in response to your look of total disbelief.

‘Twenty six…twenty seven…twenty eight…’

Any other day you might have been impressed but this? This was ridiculous.

‘Art, what are you doing?’

‘Twenty nine…thirty…thirty one…’

He was sweating, not as much as when he played tennis but he’d need a shower. His lips, in between counts, were trembling ever so slightly from the effort as he pushed and pushed to fight against sleep. It was a sad sight, one you wished to dissolve one way or another.

‘Art, this is fucking ridiculous. You’ve barely slept you’re hungover you just need one lazy day.‘

No response.

‘This isn’t normal.’

Patrick gave you one last look of defeat before going for his shower, clearly desperate to leave the room. You hesitated before kneeling on the floor beside Art’s head.

‘Thirty seven…thirty eight…’

His body was giving up on him - just screaming at him to let it rest.

‘Thirty…nine…’

When he got to forty you hoped you’d see a flicker of satisfaction on his face, followed by a prompt end but no. No, he just kept going.

‘Forty two…forty thr’

‘Fucking stop!’ You yelled and he did. Finally. Art dusted off his hands and sat up, staring at you in complete silence. He looked almost horrified at the intrusion.

‘I’m not your Mum but you need to look after yourself, you’re never going to win matches if you turn up to them half dead because you refuse to relax.’ You sighed, heavily, waiting for the lengthy disagreement Art would throw at you. The defensiveness. It never came.

‘I know.’ He pulled his knees up to his chest and stared at the poorly woven carpet, looking lost. ‘I just…I can’t afford to take days off I’m not Patrick. I have to work and work and work at it constantly. If I get into the habit of taking days off whenever I feel a bit shitty what will that get me? It won’t get me into Challengers, it won’t make me win any Opens. I won’t win Wimbledon Y/N,’ Art looked up at you, his eyes glassy. ‘What will it have all been for if…if after everything I’m just average?’

‘You’re telling me you can’t win Wimbledon if when you’re hungover you watch tv instead of working out?’ You rubbed your face, studying his for any negative reaction. ‘Sometimes one small set back is all it takes.’ He looked utterly defeated, you’d never seen someone look so low. It was hard for you to understand the tennis obsession but of course, like most things, you knew it wasn’t as simple as it seemed.

‘Have you eaten yet?’

He shook his head.

‘Well, you really should - actually you will. There should be leftovers.’

You managed to convince Art to eat and drink plenty of water before he resisted. ‘Maybe go back to bed?’ Was your advice - which he did not take. Patrick was half gaming half texting girls and only chimed in to make the odd sarcastic comment. He didn’t hear what Art said next.

‘Y/N,’ When you took your eyes away from your coffee you saw Art’s hand trailing closer to yours, his eyes apologetic. ‘I think you’re kinder than anyone I’ve ever met.’ Before you could say anything he was coughing, interrupting himself before he could share further. It took a while for his diaphragm to ease up but by then the moment had passed. His hand had returned to his side of the table.

Chapter 8

Masterlist

Taglist: @gatorgirl007 @imblushingrn @soy-garbage @blahhucantmakeme

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

What made you want to recover. I have anorexia and I don't want to recover I just want to get worse and worse until I'm sick enough. I'm in forced recovery but faking it as I just want to starve is there any reason to recover?

Hello anon, this is a difficult question to answer because for me, personally, it wasn't any one thing that made me want to recover. The truth is that when I started, I didn't understand the long-term effects of what I was doing to myself. I sort of knew about them, but the importance of being thin had been stressed to me all of my life and so I was in a self-destructive place where I was willing to make that choice again and again and risk throwing away my health for thinness. That's pretty fucked up, true, but again, I didn't understand the full extent of the damage I might be doing to myself.

I think it's also worth mentioning that I had an undiagnosed chronic illness and some trauma that I was quietly sitting on because I doubted my own perspective and my ability to access real help for these things. Because of this, I didn't have a frame of reference for mental and physical wellness, because I hadn't felt mentally or physically well for a very long time. Even now, looking back at symptoms I was experiencing, it is hard to know if I was experiencing these things due to my eating disorder or something else. I think it was all cumulative damage, to be honest. The eating disorder didn't help.

But looking back, I think I actually had an eating disorder long before I "decided" to start restricting food. I remember going through a growth spurt during puberty around age twelve and being hungry all the time, but we frequently had the kind of foods people call "junk food" in the house because that's what my parents bought. So that's what I ate a lot of, constantly, and my mother was constantly remarking on it in a negative way and trying to stop me. I have a very complicated relationship with my mother, and she raised me with a complicated relationship to food and body image. I remember doing fucked-up things like sneaking food into the bathroom with me so I could eat snacks in the shower unobserved, or hiding snacks under my bed, and just absolutely gorging on food at other times while knowing I was eating way past the point of being full and not knowing why I wanted to. So I officially decided to start restricting when I was fifteen, but the truth is that I had a fucked up relationship with food way earlier than that.

When I was nearing my seventeenth birthday, I experienced a breakdown in health due to chronic illness. I was suffering terribly. At the time I had this hippie friend who believed everything could be cured with the right diet and supplements. As I mentioned before, I was raised in a household where we didn't fully understand proper nutrition, and I had been raised eating a lot of low-nutrition meals. Because I had a stronger relationship with this friend than with my family, I bought into the mindset that if I got the right nutrients, I would be cured. And, in my mind, I had to get as many of those nutrients as possible as quickly as possible, so I immediately turned back to bingeing. But I was bingeing on a lot of high-nutrient hippie foods, so I didn't see a problem with this. I didn't understand that my relationship to the food wasn't fixed. I wasn't enjoying it, I was gorging on it, and between meals I was desperately anticipating the time I could gorge again. And because it was hippie food, I thought that this would cure me.

The thing was, after over a year of severe restriction, my GI system was wildly unprepared to handle the level of food-stuffing I was about to put it through - even though it was super-healthy hippie food. So I actually got sicker, experiencing the symptoms that come along with suddenly eating real portions after restriction. This led to me alternating between not understanding why the food wasn't working to cure me, to not understanding why I felt so addicted to eating. And this kick-started a violent binge-restrict cycle where I'd force myself to go hungry until certain times a day, at which point I'd unleash myself upon food and be unable to stop. Then I'd restrict again the next day to make up for it, get increasingly desperate for food, and you see the pattern. The binge-restrict cycle is so real.

So I was super trapped in that life and I wanted out. I knew I wanted to get out long before I actually started getting out. Because every time I binged, my immediate response was to hate myself and restrict. That was all I knew. By the time I even started to make a bit of progress on breaking that pattern, I had achieved enough real healing to understand that my restriction days had been a part of what led me down this hellish path and I didn't want to go back to that. To tell you the truth, in order to truly stay away from it - because I'll be real, I do get tempted to go back to restriction from time to time - I have to remind myself that while restricting feels like it would save me, it would only be a stepping stone back into that horrible pattern that kept me so sick and felt impossible to break. And I have to choose wanting better for myself.

Now, your story may not look like mine. So I'm not sure your motivation will end up looking like mine. But what do you need for yourself in order to want better for yourself?

You say you want to do this until you are sick enough. Can I just ask you to take a moment to ask yourself, what do you think is "sick enough?" Would you really stop when you got there, or would you just keep moving the goalpost until your body gave out? Because if you're stuck thinking "I have to do this till I'm sick enough" then believe me - you are sick enough. Your struggle counts. You don't have to wait until the damage is irreversible.

Because the thing is, when you start experiencing long-term sickness as a result - GI disorders, internal organ failure, etc - your suffering will be out of your control. Eating disorders feel like you're taking control, but you're not. And as someone who suffered with chronic illness for years, let me tell you, you don't want "sick enough." I can't tell you for sure what you do want, but allow me to take a guess. Maybe you want the validation that comes from being sick enough. Maybe you want to showcase how awful it got because you want people to care, to be concerned, to validate you. You want indisputable proof that you are well and truly fucked up, that you truly were hurt by whatever it is that hurt you.

The fact is, even some people who are sick enough to be on death's door, from some chronic illness or another, never get that validation or support. Our system is fucked up like that. But understanding that also means you don't have to wait for someone else to validate how hard you struggled and how much you've suffered. You're already sick enough. You don't have to wait for it to get worse in order to deserve better. So what do you need? What do you need in order to affirm to yourself that what you've been through is real? What do you need in order to feel you deserve to get better for real? What do you need in order to keep seeking out that desire to heal even when you're triggered as hell and struggling and forget all the breakthroughs you had once made and all you want to do is say "fuck it then, I'll self-destruct" because that's addicting in its own way?

I hope you're able to seek those answers in your treatment, anon. I hope you're able to affirm to yourself that you deserve to be more well than this, and to love yourself enough to fight for it?

[aftgficrec]

Hii! I'm so glad i caught you guys, youre doing gods work over here. I've been wanting something similar to blame it on my youth and way down we go . Something long and addicting and eventually wholesome, preferably something where Aaron is kinda jealous of Neil. I love the soulmate idea. Thanks so much <3

You’ve got a mix of things in your ask, so I’m giving you long andeil fics with happy ending + Aaron angst that are post canon like ‘Blame it On My Youth’ (here), pre-canon canon divergent like ‘Way Down We Go’ (here), soulmates, and some other aus. -A

previous recs:

long fics like BIOMY here

‘Guardian Angel’ series here

‘on the tip of my tongue (say something)’ series here (completed)

‘progress comes in small steps’ series here

‘we were together’ series here

‘This Complicated Life’ and ‘In My Defense, I Have None’ here

you may also like:

Neil & Aaron: quests, situations, friendship & slash here

post canon:

Trust Fall (And Welcoming Arms) by SpangleBangle [Rated E, 84557 Words, Complete, 2017]

Life goes on after the Foxes win the championship, and for Andrew and Neil it's uncharted territory with only each other for guides. Maybe it's time to put away some of those hard edges, and learn how to touch more softly, and speak more honestly. And if they falter, they have their family to help them get back on their feet.

tw: scars, tw: homophobia, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: discussions of self harm, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced eating disorders, tw: depression, tw: dissociation, tw: flashbacks, tw: violence, tw: implied/referenced drug abuse, tw: explicit sexual content

pre-canon canon divergent:

Oakland by AgentCoop [Rated M, 105947 Words, Complete, 2023]

When Neil Josten gets arrested for a fake ID and thrown into the Juvenile Detention System, he knows that he's running on borrowed time before his father's men catch up. His mother is dead, there's nowhere to run, there's nothing left at all but an Exy court at the Oakland County Detention Center that he has to earn the right to play on through good behavior. And Neil's never been great at obeying rules. -- An Andriel AU where the boys meet as teens in Juvie.

tw: violence, tw: blood, tw: panic attacks, tw: nightmares, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon

Lifeline by pandaseek [Rated T, 269357 Words, Incomplete, Updated April 2023]

"What is your name." He wouldn't care usually, but the way this kid had avoided it last time he asked, he was curious. "I've had six so far." He answers slowly, weighing each word. "Which one do you want?" Six names? Yep, there is something going on there.

tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: implied/referenced child abuse

NB: fanart for this fic by Super_Yellow on AO3 here

soulmates:

i once believed love would be black and white by acidmeringue [Rated E, 26708 Words, Complete, 2023]

Andrew does not believe in soulmates. Nicky has a soulmate. His twin Aaron has a soulmate too, but Andrew doesn't let them speak. Everyone around him has a soulmate. They can all see in color. He can't. He doesn't believe in soulmates, doesn't believe in love at all. When enough people tell you what love should look like, when you're told enough times that you should be able to see in color but you can't, you start to believe that you don't have a soulmate after all. And that's okay. At least, it was, until Andrew makes eye contact with a stranger at Eden's and the world comes to a screeching halt. ~ Soulmate au where you can't see in color until you lock eyes with your soulmate. Additionally, if your soulmate dies, your vision goes back to monochrome.

tw: implied/referenced abuse

The Real Thing by nekojita [Rated M, 34125 Words, Complete, 2021]

Andrew was more than willing to turn down the Ravens' offer to be their newest goalie, unwilling to play five more years of Exy - let alone for someone with a too-sharp smile and a manic gleam in their eyes. That was, until he realized that a member of their Perfect Court was his soulmate. (That was, until Riko Moriyama realized that Nathaniel Wesninski, the Ravens' #3 in waiting, was Andrew's soulmate.) Andrew always knew that Fate loved tormenting him, he didn't need a reminder yet again via a too-attractive soulmate who appeared to loathe him. Yet things aren't always what they seem, especially in the Nest.

tw: attempted rape/noncon, tw: abuse, tw: violence, tw: blood, tw: alcohol, tw: medication withdrawal

other aus:

If I Knew You by AceSirenSinger [Rated T, 43145 Words, Complete, 2024]

Neil is imprisoned at sixteen years old for being the Butcher of Baltimore. Andrew obsesses, and Aaron obsesses because Andrew does, and everything goes wrong and raw and painful. Feat. the twinyards breaking each other’s hearts, and a decent amount of shade on the American justice system.

tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: recreational drug use, tw: implied/referenced violence, tw: implied/referenced torture

Shut Up and Dance (With Me) by OfficialStarsandGutters [Rated E, 168160 Words, Complete, 2021]

Dance AU. - Neil Josten just wants to dance, but being on the run leaves little time for frivolous hobbies. He has no idea what one night of risk will lead to when he first steps into Eden’s Twilight. Andrew Minyard dances alone. Everyone knows this. Until a wide eyed, desperate rabbit of a boy stumbles into his path, and he breaks his self imposed rule.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: torture, tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: anxiety, tw: depression, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced drug abuse, tw: explicit sexual content, tw: implied/referenced eating disorder, tw: vomit, tw: graphic injuries, tw: nonconsensual drug use

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole if I pointed tell my dad, who chased me out of getting help in my teens, about an autoimmune disease that has a possibility of killing me and that part of it is his fault?

I'll make this short, my dad (58M, 6'4") has never believed that I (26F, 5'6") have anything wrong with me and that I am willfully lazy/forgetful/overexaggerate pain. To give you an idea, I have ASD and ADHD and my Dr's have been struggling to find the answers for my joints. To him, I was the "perfect" child and I couldn't have problems. I had to be the one to go to school, I had to be the one to do everything right. Between him and I, he was always right. If ever I felt hurt by him, he would spin the conversation around in a way so that it was always my fault. Even down to house chores, he would make everything my fault. For example, I didn't eat for a week and he filled the sink with his dishes and then screamed at me that they were mine. I have also dislocated a shoulder to my dominant arm and was in a sling. At this time, he told me to pick up a 40lb garbage bag and take it outside. I obviously couldn't do it with only one arm. It hurt and I was terrified of dislocating my other arm. I had a meltdown in garage about how I had to ask him for help because I couldn't do it. I knew he would yell at me to "get stronger" and that its my own fault. Lo and behold, that's exactly what happened when I went inside. I asked him if he wanted me to hurt myself. He responded by yelling at me that I already did. It's because of this constant abuse that I finally moved across the country and moved in with an online friend I'd had for many years who is now my fiancee. So for those worried, I am in a safe place with a man who cares so much about me. He supports me and understands how very real all my problems are. He takes good care of me. Which, he's also part of the reason I have been able to bring myself to go to the Dr to begin with.

Now, for the problem at hand. I have had joint pain starting in my hands since I was a teen. It got bad enough I had complained to my whole family until my grandmother told my dad to take me to the Dr. So I went to the Dr and then after three visits I had to stop because my dad verbally attacked me about "when I would be done" and that he couldn't afford it. So i stopped. Well, I didn't go back to get treated for anything until recently in my mid 20s. My pain has spread to my whole body over the last 10 years. I am in an ungodly amount of agony. I've dislocated bones repeatedly. My bones lock up and constantly crack and pop. Exercise is very difficult. It was never treated till I got insurance through my work in the last year. Well we have narrowed down what we think I have. It's an autoimmune disorder that deteriorates the joints and makes it very easy to dislocate my limbs. If I have a specific version of this disorder, this thing could possibly effect my heart and the muscles that make my heart beat. Aka, my heart could just *stop* in my 40s/50s. I'm going on vacation with my narcissistic father in a month and I want to sit him down with my eldest brother, who has always had my back, and explain to them the situation. I want my brother there to keep me safe during the conversation. I kind of want to drill into him that part of this problems expansion is his fault as he stopped me from going as a teen and he bullied me out of going to the Dr unless I thought it was "serious" and I was "dying." It's not just to hurt him but to give myself the satisfaction of telling him that all the times he told me I was a liar and overexaggerating my pain? My pain was real. I want him to know I've been hurting. Because the only one he would ever believe about my problems would be a Dr, that he'd not let me see or discouraged me from seeing. I was a broke kid who he then later dumped off of his insurance because I had to use it more than him. And despite him having all these problems requiring surgery in his own body, he believed I was lying about being unable to do the same things he can. If yall need more info and examples, I'd be down to add another ask. Just, would I be an asshole? Is it petty, or justice in finding my own peace? And if anyone has any advice, i would like to have ideas of how to go about this. Thank you all for reading.⭐️

What are these acronyms?

[woodbrook-wanderer]

🙏for the people who were not at the convention, can you give a rundown on what Pradulum was about?

Hello again! Sorry for not touching the blog for months, I've been in and out of it lol.

I didn't attend SDCC nor NYCC to pick up a copy of Praludium myself, but my dear friend Lucy did! As far as I know, no panel was held specifically about it but this Ashcan is about the first time Sam killed. Please read it before continuing to read my thoughts and my analysis of it.

general BTTWNS trigger warnings but also (animal) abuse and eating disorder mentions.

The logline is essentially what you get- the first time Sam ever killed. From the title and cover released at the time of its announcement alone, I was wondering in what context or situation would Sam choose to start killing? This takes place of course during her travels in the 1960s, specifically Germany 1962. We only had these 3 preview pages to go off of and I was worried it would be because of sinister implications.

But it just turns out to be a fairly innocent camping trip.

I want to immediately talk about Otto first because he makes a very interesting first victim. I don't like him as a character but he is well written enough to be believable and real. Unlike Daniel who's a friendly stranger who wants to help, Otto is a local who offers Sam a private spot to camp in with him at the Black Forest. He's a friendly hippie and is immediately so accommodating almost to the point of talking over his guest. He also seems to have a crush on Sam.

But he's selfish. He doesn't fully understand Sam's situation of course to be more sensitive but he only half-listens, and diverts conversations to himself when Sam begins to open up about her problems and needs.

Am I saying he deserved to be killed for talking over Sam? Of course not. However, his behavior towards her could be a contributing reason as to why she chose to kill him now. The things he told her followed her far into her 40s and I would understand the kind of mark that made on her emotionally but it's not a reason or justification for murdering him. Everyone's selfish and insensitive, especially if we're trying to impress somebody we like.

As I mentioned in my Lola analysis, I believe Sam was abused at a young age or pressured to be good because of an unknown family incident that caused them to earn a negative reputation in the present. Perhaps the easiest way to make amends and to gain rapport back in Woodbrook is to be useful to the community hence the shop. She HAS to be that pillar of good because she was never given an option to be anything else. This burns her up emotionally to the point of suppressing her own desires. This could have been another career path, another life outside Woodbrook, friends, and the suppression even leads her to developing an eating disorder.

Although this could be interpreted too as a metaphor for the apatite to kill and I believe that as well but also considering the social climate in the 1960s it wouldn't be a stretch either. To be abused so much to the point you've learnt to deprave yourself until somebody corners you and tells you to take what you want anyway.

But to have Otto who she could have considered a friend and perhaps being the only other person (other than Lola) to open up about her frustrations could have meant a lot to her but to just be fawned over like an object instead of reciprocating the emotional support she needed, killing became her outlet and in turn made her emotionally mask and throw back the same uncaring or neutral reassurance she was told 24 years ago.

AGAIN, OTTO DID NOT MEAN TO HURT SAM OR TALK OVER HER. THIS IS NOT A JUSTIFICATION FOR HER ACTIONS MOVING FORWARD.

Praludium is also an interesting side story to me as it reinforces Sam's fondness for Nature (as well as her being Nature). She's had nobody to rely on emotionally her entire life that Nature as a being and a force is her only comfort. She looks up to wild bears and talks to them with a sort of reverence, meaning that the way she lives (in isolation, in selfishness and dominance) closely mirrors them because all she knows to live among people is through shallow observation. She's not gonna bother really socializing and having a life outside of Nature because what is there if everyone's out to get her or step on her.

So it's best to act like a bear. Take what you want because you have the power to do so.

Praludium is just an incredibly bittersweet short story that adds a lot more nuance to Sam as a character. I mentioned in my Lola essay that I do not fully agree with the statement that she's always been a blank slate or a cold person because this story opens up a what if. Yknow? What if Otto did listen and actually sorted it out fully instead of flirting? Would that have changed anything? What if Sam rebelled or took earlier? What if she just asserted herself in the first place? Would that have changed anything? Probably not because again, Sam was conditioned to not want. And that pent up frustration translates into violence.

I've said this on my main blog but I've come across a zoo's account that's fairly popular on tiktok, youtube shorts, and instagram that posts baby brown bears dressed up like toddlers, in cribs, on swings, or in tight, small enclosures with tiger cubs. They've posted videos of the zookeepers throwing around the bear cubs, hitting them, or filming them when they're in distress. One particular video stands out as a cub charges at the camera, splashing themselves in milk when they see a zookeeper then biting another cub out of frustration. It's a fear response. What else can a bear do but bite?

The ending is just very bittersweet to me. Of course, Jesus Christ, this is the FIRST of a 20+ year run of murdering people horrifically and a drastic, tragic heel turn and yet.

The comfort of Nature follows you as well.

[call-me-a-simp]

Heal My Wounds

Will you..? (part 25)

Rhea Ripley x Reader

Tw: physical and sexual abuse, toxic relationship, selfharm, eating disorder

Summary: You are in a toxic relationship with an abusive man but manage to run away. A tall, black haired woman picks you up from the streets just in time so your ex doesn't get you. But who is she and why does she seem so familiar to you? As you get to know each other you start to notice weird feelings you never had before whenever she's around.

Your drinks arrive and you just can't wait any longer. "Rhea please, you know how unpatient I am" you whine.

"Ah ah, not so fast sweetheart" she teases you even more. "After we've eaten okay?" "Fine.." you grumble.

You're kinda mad because you don't like waiting but you still smile at her. God I love her so much. How can somebody be this perfect?!

"Hey love, wanna share this? It seems like they're serving pretty big portions here" Rhea says. "Yeah of course" you smile. "What about you guys?" you add.

"I think I'll go for number 56" Dominik answers "and I'll take.. This! Whatever it is but it sounds interesting" Finn states. Damian chuckles and waves for a waiter to come over.

You all order and then talk a little until your food arrives. "Yep, you were totally right with big portions" you mock Rhea, cause they were actually pretty normal sized and you needed to order another one so you both could get fed.

"Mh, this actually tastes really good. Anyone know what it is?" Finn asks you all. "Let me try" Dom says excitedly. "sure here, take this" Finn answers and you all laugh as Dom does his little happy claps.

You continue your dinner and chat and laugh throughout the entire time. That is, until Dom decides he can't hold back any longer.

"Rheaaa, when are you finally going to do iiit" he whispers to her, except the whole table could hear it. "Dom Dom!" she scolds him and shoots you a kinda angry and also apologetic look as you chuckle.

"Sorry.." Dominik mutters, although he doesn't give up just yet. "But-" "No!" Damian and Finn say simultaneously. Rhea laughs at Dom who pouts now.

"You know, I'm kinda on Dom's side, I think we waited long enough" you look at Rhea with a warm smile. "I know I- I'm just not quite ready yet.." she says and blushes slightly.

You chuckle a little "it's okay, take your time. Wanna get some dessert?" "Oh oh, yes, I want ice cream!" "Dom stop acting like a little child!" Damian laughs.

You wave a waiter over and order an ice cream for Dominik and a "family surprise" for the rest of you. "I wonder what they'll bring us. I hope it's got something to do with chocolate" Finn says.

Rhea leans over to you and whispers "can you let me out real quick? I need to go to the restroom" "yeah sure, is everything alright?" "ye, ye don't worry" she smiles reassuringly.

You get up and take a step away to make room for your girlfriend to get out of the corner. You sit back down without noticing that Rhea isn't even walking in the direction of the actual bathrooms.

You look around a bit as the boys were chatting about whether you were supposed to eat Nutella with or without butter.

You spot a camera team outside the window. Probably because the whole Judgement Day was there and they finally got to see you and Rhea together somewhere else than on the parking lot from the arena.

The restaurant also got pretty full. Lots of people were there, chatting and eating and glancing over at you every now and then.

"Hey guys" you try to get the boys attention "why is this man standing there with a mic?" "I don't know, let's see" Damian smirks. It's a little awkward but you still have no idea.

"Ladies and gentlemen, if I could please get your attention" the man with the microphone says. "I'm the owner of this place and today is a very special day!"

You see the camera team walking in, trying to get the best shots and catching everything that's being said.

"Please turn your attention to Demi Bennett, better known as Rhea Ripley!" the restaurant owner says and Rhea steps out from behind the corner. "Thank you" she leans over to the man and speaks in his mic.

She walks over to you and you just look at her confused. She smiles from ear to ear and gets down on one knee. "Y/n L/n. I've only known you for about three to four months, although you knew me for a lot longer." she says.

Slowly but surely you knew where this was going and why all the people and the media were here.

"I know, your past experiences with relationships were quite.. Njeah let's say difficult. But I want to change that and I think we've already made a great start. I can't imagine my life anymore without you in it, so.. Y/n, will you marry me?" she asks and pulls out a beautiful, really expensive looking wedding ring.

You're too overwhelmed to think" I- yes! Yes of course I wanna marry you!" you shout and jump up to hug her. Rhea laughes and let's out a sigh of relief. Everyone's applauding and congratulating you.

You both smile at each other and kiss, resulting in even more applause and cheers from the croud." I love you so much, I can't even find the right words to describe it" you smile at your now fiancee. "I love you too, more than anything in the world!" she answers and pulls you in for another kiss.

---------------------------------------------------

Part 25 and finally you get the surprise you've all been waiting for, hope you enjoyed it ;)

Taglist:@babybatlover @legit9thlunaticwarrior @thatonepansexual2000 @nox-fire

[cellsshapedlikestars]

read the latest chapter of Gossamer but i cant access AO3 rn and wanted to tell you how much I liked it!

I love that Sansa is trying to improve her relationship with Arya and that she is self aware enough to recognise that her eating is slightly disordered.

I really appreciate the little details in your stories, like the cars you have Ned and Catelyn drive. Like how in Lounge Act Ned drove a BMW (classic rich dad car) and in Gossamer he's driving an Audi (as someone whos dad is a lawyer who drives an Audi I have to say that's the perfect car choice for him).

Do you have any inspo pics/a moodboard of how you picture the Stark house to look like (if its not too much of a hassle to share)? I was trying to picture the Clueless house but apart from the staircase, the driveway and Cher's bedroom I really don't remember much.

I'm so glad you're enjoying it! I love hearing that people like the little details I put in

As for the house - I typically just imagine a house in my mind and don't really look for inspo pictures. I did joke initially on here about Cher's house from Clueless, because I absolutely had that on my mind when I started writing this story, with the whole "this guy is at my house all the time cause he's interning with my dad and he's kind of family but also not". But I also don't really know anything about that house other than the front & staircase tbh

So let's look at some real estate and see if we can find one I think works for this fic

I like this one for the castle vibes, though I'm not sold on the interior

This one is nearly perfect for what I was imagining, especially the kitchen and pool (which will become more relevant in a later chapter)

it's technically a little bigger than I imagined the home to be, but I think that's also because rich people's houses constantly shock me with how big they are

[asofspades]

Listen, as someone who used to be this academic weapon, who handled living in a very toxic borderline abusive family situation for more than a decade, who balanced getting perfect grades while being the parentified oldest "daughter" and pushing through social anxiety, depression, swersidal thoughts and an ED all while getting bullied at school and being autistic without a formal diagnosis and far from having any help only got more expectations because of supposedly being gifted and also ignoring chronic pain and fatigue and pushing through it until we'll into college and now having burnt out because I pushed myself way too far I want to say that I feel kind of uncomfortable about people thinking that Nico's character has somehow been "nerfed" by Rick because he no longer does what he did during Heroes of Olympus, like, listen, that kid completely pushed himself way past the edge, he almost vanished into shadows, hes canonically dealing with so many mental issues he had to resort to Dionysus to not go insane , he literally has an unspecified eating disorder derived from all the crap he's been through. Like, of course he's not going to be doing what he was back then, he was killing himself literally, he was running on fumes, spite, the verge of mental and physical collapse anda shit ton of adrenaline. That kid definitely has long time and chronic issues derived, he's not going to be the same, and he's still extremely OP if we're being honest, he has a ton of abilities just naturally running in the background, he can now turn people onto skeletons directly and command them. One would think that he's now fully useless in combat the way people talk about him supposedly being "nerfed" in ToA but honestly I'd just be glad if that kid never had to use any of his abilities ever again and could just let himself actually rest.

It feels a bit like an attack to all of us who've been through stuff and wouldn't be able to go back to the level of productivity and the ability to handle stuff that we had in our worst moments where we were running on spite and fumes and hopes of making it out of we struggled enough and are now experiencing burn out and skill regression. Like, I feel like that kind of people are telling me I'm now useless even after all I've been through because I can no longer do what I did at my worse moments in life.

Like, I could legit run on just caffeine with no sleep or minimal sleep and no food for up to 3 days and still get good grades and do all teh household chores and homework and exercise to the verge of collapse, however I now am exhausted no matter how much I sleeps concentrating is the hardest thing ever, I do stuff half assed because I really do not have enough energy and I gave up on putting everything on my shoulders because I was genuinely collapsing in on myself. Like, this shit happens.

And maybe that's just me because if my personal situation but it really does rub me the wrong way, I'm sure Nico could pull the same bullshit again and push himself past his limits to the brink of death, the thing is that boy is tired and trying to heal and move forward and doing that would just be going backwards in his recovery. He has plenty of time ahead of himself to heal and grow stronger and capable of doing stuff without getting as exhausted but like it's been less than a year between the end of Blood of Olympus and TSATS obviously he's still recovering.

People say they wanted a story of him recovering and all that, but I feel like what they really want is just Nico magically getting rid of any real effect all the shit he went through had on him, which just isn't realistic.

[coffee-with-pigeon-milk]

TW Body image discussions and Fatphobia. TW also for self harm and eating disorders. TW for bullying.

I can't stop crying. I'm sitting in the car after a very long day; and I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this in my real life. In case I haven't told you the last couple of months have been very difficult. I've had to take over the care of my mom while she is fighting for a diagnosis. She had suddenly developed a severe migraine well over two months ago, and it just hasn't gone away.

We have tried everything, and nothing has worked. So we see her family practitioner who ordered testing. Which is fairly standard, except for us. Because of her Ehlers-Danlos, she needs a specialized test. An upright MRI to be specific. Well the only one we are even close to is in Chicago. So off we go. We drive for 4+ hours. We got up before 6 this morning, btw. Anyway, fast forward to 4 pm this afternoon. My mom goes in for her scan and I chose to stay out in the car. Which is shut off and the windows are cracked.

It's a beautiful day and I'm enjoying the chance to rest for a bit. This particular MRI clinic is next to a rec center and lots of people are coming and going. As I'm sitting there I hear the laughter of young men. Maybe...17 years old at the most. I remember that I thought to myself, just ignore them. Close your eyes and feel the breeze. Well when the laughter didn't stop I looked up to see what was going on and guess what.. these two young guys were taking my fucking picture.

One of them took at least one and must have seen me looking back at him through his camera because they looked right at me and psudeo-ran away. Laughing and looking at my car the whole time. I can say without hesitation that I have never been more humiliated in all my life.

I haven't wanted to disappear this bad since I was a teenager myself. I was the girl that people would be dared to ask out, but the second I showed excitement or eagerness... well, let's say that more than once, people laughed in my face. Or called me slurs and mocked me. To my face. I have struggled to find any empathy or even love for myself and have had to claw myself up to even body neutrality.

I'm fat. I have PCOS so I get darker peach fuzz and extra chin hair which i normally wax. However the skin on my chin is darker.. like a sort of shadow. I'm not white. I just cut my hair short to help with ease of care. I'm short. I'm shy. I've never been sexy. Ive always been "cute." I've never been in a relationship with someone I've met in person. I've never had anyone want to stay. I'm also a daughter and a sister and a foster mom for sick kittens. I've been able to save every rescue I've ever had.

That doesn't matter though. I can't even be left alone to enjoy the sunshine without mockery. I'm recovering from eating disorders. I have chronic pain. I am doing my best. What else can I do? I've lost two pounds and I was over the moon because I did it in a healthy way. It is never enough.

I think I'm just gonna finish up with mom and probably go to bed early.

[moonlit-void-to-the-far-unknown]

Logan Roy would 1000% send his children to be institutionalised if they were more blatant about there mental illnesses.

Like all of the Roy family has sever mental illnesses let’s be real here how can they not growing up like they did.

But I see so many ‘being the youngest Roy sibling’ HC and I keep thinking about being the youngest Roy sibling and showing sever signs of bi polar or depression or schizophrenia *hey hey I have bi polar, depression and had schizoaffective disorder so I can say that shit ain’t fun* so here some Hc? Brain dribble about that.

So it’s under readmore and yeah also I am

Someone who has been in a psych ward many times *dont ask* so I feel qualified to make this.

Like they show signs of it being sever, sever and like they get dealt with, when there like a kid and Logan just punishes them like they are having tantrums. But by like maybe early to mid 20s it becomes very clear when they try to off themselves.

That’s when Logan says ‘fine we’ll deal with this the old fashion way’ and let’s just say the siblings are ya know sitting with the youngest Roy at Logan’s house when the men in white jackets come and basically yank them up and the whole time the others are screaming like ‘the fuck is going on?!’ And the youngest is just screaming for them to let them go and maybe even tries to grab onto Kendall or Roman or shiv while being dragged out.

After logan explains, your just going to a hospital that can better treat you, and help you deal with your mental state better.

Connor fully riots when he hears this happened, storms into Logan’s office with Kendall and Roman behind him trying to ya know stop the fight that’s about to kick off and Connor is fuming like

“You fucking bastard! You already locked my mother up, your once wife! But that’s not enough so you lock your fucking kid up?!” Like this is an anger I don’t think anyone’s ever seen in Connor.

And Connor is the one to visit you every day, he brings you things you may need, or just things he hopes you can decorate your little space in your room with.

Roman brings you like the things you can’t sleep with out at night, like a special stuffed animal or a blanket or pillow. He’s the one who jokes about you being the actual crazy one, and like he gets the need to deflect with dark humor.

Shiv is the one who brings you the clothes you actually would wear, and not the random stuff that Logan had a house keeper pack for you. When she first visits to bring them your in a full on hospital gown because you refuse to wear what Logan gave you.

Kendall is the most awkward when he visits because yeah he went to rehab but like, this is way more lock down and he maybe realises that this could have happened to him if he didn’t ya know get a control on his shit like he tries to.

You meet Tom while still in the ya know hospital and fully tell shiv if she marries him you have a free bed in your room if she needs it.

Logan basically 51-50ed you so like the resentment against him is real, it’s like not good.

You spend like a solid almost 2 years institutionalised. But when you get out, Connor has a welcome home party for you. Everyone comes out, except Logan cause Connor was not about to have that KO fight happen.

You have always been closest to Roman, not really sure why but you two just get each other better and oh the jokes you both make at each other, like makes everyone else so uncomfortable. When eating at the like welcome back dinner he switches your silver wear for plastic and you joke like

“Plastic can still hurt. Wanna see” and like he knows it’s a joke but everyone else gets that like uncomfortable vibe about them

“If I can’t joke about it, I’ll cry about it, so we joke yes? Do you want me to jump off the roof cause-“

Roman casually jokingly makes sure your taking your meds everyday like texts or calls or quips like

“So how’s today? You eat? Take your fucking crazy pills that make you see god or whatever…” like very obvious but very Roman.

I just, I have feelings alright…

[darklydeliciousdesires]

Light on the Darkside - Chapter Twenty One.

Previous chapters - One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Twelve Thirteen Fourteen Fifteen Sixteen Seventeen Eighteen Nineteen Twenty

Tag list - In the comments. Please DM to be added/removed.

Words - 3,849

Warnings - 18+ throughout. Topics cover depression, suicide and eating disorders. Minors DNI!

“Babe, if you get glue on my seats, your arse is getting slapped. Or bitten.” 

Ella’s lips pursed, slowly curling into a grin as she looked out from beneath her lashes at him. “Don’t you threaten me with a good time.” 

He chuckled filthily, very much looking forward to having a night in a hotel with his wife, where he could make as much noise as he liked while having sex with her, all while feeling the long, dark red false nails she was glueing on shredding his back to pieces.  

“Just you wait, princess. You’re gonna be sore.” 

“What are you two grinning about?” Lyra suddenly spoke from the backseat, removing her headphones to detangle the wire, Freya asleep next to her (as per the usual with any car journey lasting over fifteen minutes) and Zara reading while her i-Pod blared.  

“Nothing your ears need to be picking up on,” James confirmed, unable to keep the smirk from his face. 

“Is this about auntie Andrea accidentally answering the phone while she was... you know... with uncle Steve this morning?”  

He barked a laugh, still entertained at her gaffe of rolling over on her phone and ending up giving James a live action rendition of her sexual howling, only aware of such after hearing his voice boom “G’won, Ands! Give it some, darlin’!” from the phone’s speaker. Lyra only knew because she’d walked into the kitchen at the same time her dad was relaying the hilarity to her mum. “Nah, not about them.” 

“Old people shouldn’t be having sex still, it’s disgusting,” she snorted, her eyes then rapidly flitting between her parents. “Wait. You two don’t still... do you?” 

James shared a side eye with Ella, unable to fully bite back the wide grin. “Number one; we’re all late thirties and early forties, not dead. And number two; you know when we ask you to keep an eye on your sisters of a Saturday morning? Guess what we’re doing?” 

There was a pause, Lyra curling her lip in the exact same way her father did too when he was displeased. “Ugh! So that means you were doing it this morning? That’s so wrong!”  

“What?” he exclaimed, his laughter filling the car. “How’d you think you three got here in the first place? Massive amounts of banging your mum, innit.” 

“Dad!” 

“I’d do it more often if I wasn’t so busy.” 

“Dad, stop it!” 

His laughter only escalated further, Lyra frowning deeply, Ella hiding her face behind her hands. “Okay, enough mortifying our eldest, baby,” she finally spoke, reaching to squeeze his thigh.  

“What? That was tame compared to what I could have said,” he shrugged, snorting again when Lyra made a whining noise in the back. 

“Are we far from auntie Mary’s? I don’t mind getting out to walk,” she bargained, James gesturing around himself with an outstretched hand. 

“Yeah, monster. Pedestrians are a real common thing on the effing motorway, ain’t they?” he snorted. 

Putting her headphones on again, she frowned heavily. “Why’s my dad have to be like this?”  

“Because I’m shitting awesome!” he chuckled, not that Lyra could hear, the sound of who he recognised to be black metal band Satyricon blaring loudly through her headphones again. At least two out of three of his offspring had picked up his taste in music. No prizes for guessing that the second was Freya.  

Although Ella’s tastes had changed drastically over the years, now listening to a whole host of alternative music as well as her beloved dance, the black sheep of the family where music was concerned was most definitely Zara, being a little pop princess. The other two, though, they lived and breathed metal.  

It also gave their eldest severe bragging rights with her friends, her little group of die-hard metalheads all amazed over who her dad was, and who she got to hang out with backstage at festivals every summer since she’d been a baby. There weren’t very many twelve-year-olds who could boast that they’d sat on the shoulders of Nergal, frontman from extreme metal band Behemoth and good friend of her parents, while watching their dad on stage at Hellfest.  

Ten minutes after leaving the M6 and they were pulling into the new-build estate on the outskirts of Glenfield in Leicestershire, where Mary now lived. Even though she was no longer in Warwickshire, it was actually closer, just half an hour up the motorway from their home in Atherstone.  

Pulling into her driveway, the lady herself opened the front door with her usual huge, beaming grin, padding out in her slippers. “Where’s me kids?” she announced, receiving three huge smiles after opening the back of the truck, unclipping Freya from her car seat and bundling her into a hug. “Hello, my little peach! Hello!”  

“Auntie Mary, I made fire!” 

“Ya’s never did, pet! If we gave you matches, there’d be nothing left, like!” she laughed, tickling her. 

“I might’ve let her put lighter fluid onto the fire pit yesterday when I was burning a load of old wood,” James confirmed, scratching his chin. “She might’ve sprayed on a bit too much, innit.” 

“How big were the flames?” 

He snorted, still entertained. “About four and a half feet.”  

She threw her head back, laughing hard as she imagined it, James moving to give her a hug and kiss. “Eee, I meant to ask ya’s, how’s ya mam getting on at the moment with her hip?” 

“Finally got a date for the op. I’m taking her up there on Tuesday morning for the pre-surgery meeting and all that.” A life of activity, especially horse riding and running around an arena for eleven hours a day while she’d taught others how to ride had left Alice with an issue in her left hip, with it being decreed she would need a full replacement.  

“Well, give her me best won’t you, sweetheart. I know how it is with having both of mine done,” Mary spoke, greeting the other two girls with warm cuddles and kisses, Ella too. “Now, have ya’s got time for a cuppa, or are you shooting off?” 

“I will, and yeah, we’ve gotta shift off, unfortunately. Need to get moving before we get stuck in piles of weekend traffic.” James confirmed, moving to begin taking the girls bags from the back of his truck. With their parents hugged goodbye, the kids all ran into Mary’s house, ready for a weekend that usually involved films, lots of sweets and camping out with her in the lounge. As for her parents... 

“Right! Let’s go do this, babe! Let’s go eat too much, drink too much, and I don’t think there’s any such thing as too much sex, but let’s give a shitting good go, innit, Mrs. K?” James spoke as soon as they got back into his truck, waving goodbye before roaring off, motorway bound.  

Their next stop was back the way they’d came to collect Steve and Andrea, the four not seeing the sense in taking two cars on the same route when they lived so close by. As soon as James saw his best friend’s wife emerge from the house when they pulled up twenty minutes later... 

“Alright, porn princess! Should have charged me by the minute for that this morning!” 

Andrea hid her face, Steve guffawing behind her. “Oh, fuck right off, James!” 

“What? Sounded like you were giving the old man a right good seeing to! It’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it!” 

“Oi, less of your mouth, sunshine,” Steve warned, sliding back the cover on the rear of the truck and putting their bags in. “I’ve already had one gobby shit to deal with this morning!” 

“Wolf?” It usually was their youngest, the five-year-old child exactly as mouthy as his father was capable of being.  

“However did you bloody guess?” he spoke, climbing into the back of the truck and clipping his seatbelt in. “So, I’ve took ‘em up Sainsbury’s this morning to get them snacks and stuff on the way to their grandmas, and we’re waiting in the queue when all of a sudden, he shouts ‘look daddy, it’s Batman!’ I’ve turned around, yeah, and he’s pointing right at this poor Muslim woman wearing all the garb,” he began. 

“A burqa,” Andrea filled in. 

“That’s it, one of them! And he wouldn’t shut up about it, fucking Logan chipping in an’ all, asking her if they could go to the bat cave! Thank fuck the woman in question thought it was hilarious, said it was nice to be profiled as a superhero rather than a terrorist for once. Nah man. Them kids. Fucking mortify me every second of the day!” he laughed, James exploding as he turned right at the end of the road. Wolf was nothing if not complete hilarity.  

“That’s top grade funny, man,” he began, wincing a tiny bit thereafter. “I feel bad for that woman, though. Poor bird can’t even dress how she wants to without being accused of all that bollocks. I bet Batman really did make a welcome change, innit.” 

“Nothing will ever beat Freya and that poor woman who’d had her arms amputated, screaming ‘are you the Venus de Milo?’ at her across the beach in Newquay,” Andrea began to hiss, her scream giggle filling the car. 

Ella turned with wide eyes. “I have never been so bleedin’ embarrassed by her mouth. Thank god the woman found it as hilarious as she did!” It was indeed lucky that most people understood the innocently unfiltered nature of children. At the mention of the event, James and Steve roared, the former remembering how he’d had to abscond to the sea to have a few moments to laugh it out. He’d been impressed, though, that at two years old Freya had remembered the name for the famous armless statue.  

A drive of four hours got them to the capital, the four checking in at their hotel before hopping in a black cab to get over to Camden, where the food festival was taking place. 

“How’s them fleas doing, dickhead?” James spoke over Snedders’s shoulder, kissing his cheek as the drummer turned to eye him disapprovingly.  

“My fleas are pedigree, I’ll have you know, Jim,” he replied, giving his mate a big hug in welcome. “Happy birthday for Thursday, you old bastard. Here, Nell got a round in, for once.” 

“Oi!” his new wife exclaimed as she released Ella from her hug of greeting, passing James a pint while pointing at Snedders. “Gonna catch a fist to the chops for your mouth, Liam.” 

It was still bizarre, hearing anyone refer to him by his actual name. Snedders, Sneds, flea circus, or uncle Ginge, as James’s kids liked to refer to him as. “Aw, Jim mate, there’s a place over there doing a challenge. If you can finish the Carolina Reaper chili fries, you win a hundred quid and your food for free. Said to the missus as soon as I saw ‘em, I said, our Jim’ll be up for that.” 

James nodded, grabbing Ella’s hand. “Easy fucking money, my friend.” Taking their drinks with them, they all walked over to the truck in question, James requesting the aforementioned fries.  

“I think you’re about to lose a hundred quid,” his wife spoke, eyeing her husband with a grin. “He eats phal curries and doesn’t even flinch.” 

The man heaping chilli over the fries smirked in a way that should have made James feel much more worried than he did. “A phal scores one point two million on the Scoville scale. Carolina Reaper’s are at one point six million. Best of luck, buddy.” 

Taking the fries, he dug the fork in, eating the first mouthful with relative ease. Then the second. That was when the spice kicked in. “Shitting hell, that’s a bit warm, innit?” 

Blowing out a long breath, he frowned, continuing to eat. “Mother fucking hell, that’s proper aggressive!” His friends all laughed, never before seeing him react in such a way to spicy food. 

“Good freakin’ god,” Ella chuckled, “has my baby met his match?” 

“Never!” Another mouthful was forked in. 

“I think the wife is right, mate. Is the cast iron stomach about to be defeated?” Steve spoke, wiping a tiny bit of the sauce from the side of the tray and popping his finger into his mouth. His eyes nearly exited his skull. “Nah! What the fuck? Oi mate, did you get that from a fucking volcano?” he cried at the vendor, coughing, quick to down half of his pint.  

“I can finish!” James vouched, another mouthful going in at he felt his face beginning to bead with sweat, turning to Ella. “Wanna try a bit, darlin’?” 

“No. Big time no, baby. You enjoy it,” she spoke, shaking her head in wonder. The things he put himself through. Truly, he didn’t need the hundred pounds, but James being James, he wanted the bragging rights. Even though his mouth felt like the epicentre of a blast furnace. 

“Mate, your arse is gonna be like the gates of hell tomorrow morning,” Snedders chimed, hardly able to believe he’d finished half of the food already.  

“I’ll worry about that then!” On he continued, a few people gathering to watch until much to the disbelief of the people who had served him the meal, he finished it entirely. It was not without feeling like his head was about to explode, though, the meal perhaps the most painful he’d ever eaten.  

“Here, bud, have that. Well done!” the vendor spoke, handing him a glass of milk as well as five twenty-pound notes, the small assembled crowd applauding his success. With the glass of milk downed, his mouth began to tingle a little less, James heading to the toilet portacabins to wash his hands and mouth, making sure he had every last trace of spice rinsed away.   

The rest of the group chose much less violently spicy foods, Ella almost choking on hers as she attempted to take a bite of the chicken gyros stuffed flatbread. 

“G’won, gorgeous,” James nodded, “you’re used to wrapping your mouth around way bigger things than that!” 

“What, before she got with you, Jim?” Steve couldn’t help but chirp, grinning widely as Ella’s laughter failed her attempt at a bite. James gave him the death glare, as standard. 

“Shut your hole!” she pointed at her husband. “And you!”  

“What?” Steve chuckled, “just sympathising with your plight, honey!” 

Ella grinned, winking. "Don't you worry, mate. I married very well in that respect.” 

Her husband beamed, aiming a raised middle finger at Steve. “That’s fucking told you, innit?” 

“How’s your mouth now?” she asked, Steve distracted by Andrea bringing him a drink.  

“Like I’ve got a fuckload of angry bees stinging my tongue, but getting better.” he admitted. God, it really had been a painful eat. It tasted amazing, though, he had to admit. The full entourage had arrived with them after a further hour, Jane and her husband, Sam and her boyfriend, as well as Dan (hilariously with a girl he’d picked up on the train down there) and finally Gaz and Hester.  

Of course, her dalliance with Steve had ended the moment he’d become acquainted with Andrea, and with Gaz and Jane never being anything more than a one night stand all those years ago, eventually the pair had struck up a connection, marrying five years before and now with their first child on the way.  

“Sorry we’re a bit late, Jim,” Gaz began, greeting him with a hug, “had to pull over about five times on the hard shoulder so this one could honk her guts up!”  

Yes, Hester was suffering severe morning sickness, which she felt to be a very unfair description since with her, it could often last all day.  

“Bit queasy, eh, Hest?” James spoke, kissing her cheek. 

“Oh god, darl. I feel like death. But I’m here, raising a glass of pop to your status as a forty-year-old!” 

“Stop shitting reminding me.” he muttered, Hester laughing as she held a soft hand to her tiny bump. While she gravitated over to where the other women grouped together, Steve and James decided to have a little fun at her husband’s expense.  

“Telling ya now, mate,” the former began, swigging his pint of Guinness, “you will never know rage like that of your wife in labour. It ain’t beautiful and it ain’t serene, no matter what they tell you.” 

His eyes widened a little. “Seriously?” 

“Oh, yeah,” James began, pointing at Ella. “The number of times she threatened to cut my bollocks off with the first two. They get vexed and I’m telling you, man, you will be enemy number one for knocking ‘em up in the first place, innit.” 

“Hold on,” Gaz spoke, scratching his head, “didn’t you say it was great with Freya?” 

“Yeah, yeah with her it was fucking over and done within a few hours. Proper speed birth. We were in at 5am, the destroyer of worlds flies out four hours later and by five in the afternoon we were on our way home again. But that was just her. Thirty-nine hours with Lyra and nineteen with Zara. Screaming, shouting and blood everywhere. I lost the feeling in my right arm for two weeks from where she bit down on it, but you gotta do what you gotta do, mate.” 

He gulped, his friends absolutely falling to pieces laughing. “Just giving you a heads up an’ all that!” Steve spoke, gripping Gaz’s shoulder and giving him a little shake. “And then, my friend, then there’s everything that comes after it! Ya get roughly twenty minutes of sleep at any given time when they’re babies, all while being shit on, pissed on and thrown up on by the new tiny overlord of the house.” 

“And you can forget being able to have any relaxing time, like taking a bath on your own unless you go after they’ve gone to bed,” James added, shaking his head. “They have no clue over personal space so they will dive all over you and kick you in the balls. How Freya ain’t fucking neutered me by now, I dunno, man.” 

Steve laughed hard, licking Guinness foam from his top lip. “She still throwing herself in with ya, yeah?” 

“Yeah! Get a fuckload of bath toys lobbed at my bloody head, stood all over, hair fucked around with. Only time she’s bearable is when she’s knackered and then she curls up on my chest and falls asleep. Then I’m stuck there in the bath with the chaos of the night fast asleep, and I can’t call for Ella or I’ll wake her up. So, I’ve gotta try and get out, not drop the wet child on her fucking head, get her dry, pyjamas on, put her in bed and then get back to my stone-cold bath for all of five minutes before she wakes up and comes steaming in again, gabbling her nonsense.” 

“See, that isn’t putting me off much, because Freya is a fucking riot. I’d love a girl if she was like her,” Gaz spoke, laughing as he remembered the various escapades of the tiny demoness of darkness. 

James pointed at him, arching an eyebrow. “Everyone says this, but living with the right honourable princess of doom is another matter entirely. With the screaming and the using my back as a trampoline, kicking me in the dick and yanking my hair, the bathtime invasions, trying to get in the bedroom when I’m trying to get in her mother, the wailing fits, hiding my keys so I can’t go out without her, trying to assemble her own murder of crows by yelling at them at five in the morning, yanking my piercings out, colouring in my tattoos, threatening strangers with witchcraft and in general, being more mental than anything I saw when I was sectioned!” 

Steve and Gaz were in hysterics by the time he took a deep breath after rattling off the list. “But you wouldn’t change her for anything, right?” the latter spoke.  

Change the destroyer of worlds, the commander of the army of the dead? “Nah mate. She’s top grade amazing.” 

“Threatening someone with witchcraft, shit, that’s quality!” Steve guffawed, James nodding vigorously. 

“Didn’t like being smiled at by the nice lady in Sainsbury’s, so screamed that she would, and I quote, ‘do a black magic on you!’ while I’m just standing there, face palming myself to death and trying to think of ways I can shut her up. Ain’t easily done. Even if you cram a lolly in her gob, she’s still loud. It’s just muffled noise.” 

How time had changed the men. Twenty years before and they’d have been standing there talking about women, usually. Now there they were, married fathers, chatting happily about their kids. “Still, though, nobody beats Wolf threatening to blood eagle that fella at the zoo for telling him not to try and climb into the lion enclosure.” 

Steve threw his head back, booming a laugh. “Yeah, and me carrying him away by the arse of his jeans, explaining that it isn’t eight hundred AD and he ain’t a Viking either.” 

Indeed, the tiny versions of them where, whether Steve or James truly wanted to admit it or not, chips right off of their blocks. Hearing his phone beep, the latter pulled it from his jacket, opening up a picture message from Mary. There they were, the three little people who his heart thrummed endlessly for, covered in cake batter and beaming widely.  

He kept it to himself that he’d only been gone from them for six hours, but already, he missed them. Becoming a father was one of the best things he’d ever done, after the happy accident that was Lyra’s conception, making him a dad much sooner than he expected he would be at twenty-seven. Since then, the urge to breed had collared him strongly, to worship his wife’s body as he spilled into her, gave her another two babies, that urge still existing within him.  

They’d said they’d stop at three, and mostly he was content with that, but there was nothing more beautiful to his eyes than seeing Ella pregnant. She’d glowed with sheer radiance throughout each of her pregnancies, thriving as she’d carried his daughters, James unable to keep his hands off her. Nobody thrived on sex quite like a horny pregnant woman.  

Except maybe two parents who found themselves child free and drunk later that night, James ducking down and throwing Ella over his shoulder as they walked across the quiet hotel foyer.  

“Been a while since I’ve thrown you over my shoulder, Mrs. K,” he chuckled, smacking her bum and pressing the button for the lift to descend.  

“It’s throwing me around the bedroom I’m more invested in the idea of,” she spoke as he stepped in, placing her back down on her feet. 

Leaning to her, his lips pressed soft to hers, hands roaming over her hungrily. “Yeah. You can definitely count on that, innit.”  

[illandtired]

about me<3 (tw)

Hello, I’m 17 and I’m gonna try to take my life again on my 18th birthday.

(Sorry, this jumps around a lot.)

(And it’s long….)

Also heavy topics, literally almost every trigger warning in the book.

This blog is gonna literally be my diary. I’ve attempted to make me life multiple times in the past for multiple different reasons.

I’m seventeen and I currently live alone in my mother’s house, she lives with her boyfriend. I had my biological dad who left before I was born and two step fathers. The only one I “care” about is my most recent. He entered my life when I was 6 and since then I tried telling my mother about him but for some reason it took until I was 16 for her to divorce him. He abused me severely. When I told him I was suicidal the first time he said he was gonna go get his gun then proceeded to make me beg for my life. I was I believe 12 or 13, a lot of it’s a blur like most of my life.

I don’t want to go too much into my past and make this too long, I started smoking weed in 8th grade. By 9th I was doing lines of random shit I got from kids at school off the bathroom toilets. I have touched most stuff besides heroin. The one drug I promised my mother I would stay away from. Currently I am still hooked on opioids, SSRIs, and I smoke weed/thc carts every day.

I was 6 when I was diagnosed with adhd, severe anxiety and depression. I haven’t seen a doctor since. My mother swears she’s trying to get me in but she always complains about how much my meds cost. She knows my worries about my mental state and I swear it’s impossible to get the help I need.

I’ve always been a paranoid person but it’s getting worse by the day. I’m genuinely too scared to take the trash out because I feel 800 eyes on me. I feel like there’s invisible people constantly around me judging my every move. I don’t feel real some times, and not that life is a simulation shit, I genuinely don’t feel like I’m in my body.

I started self harming in 3rd grade. It started as me being a wrist and head banger but by 5th grade I had started using thumb tacks and scratching myself. I went to my step father and he told me they weren’t Deep enough and I was just looking for attention. By 6th grade I was actually cutting, but only to where I barely saw the blood. By 8th it got to the point where I needed to see the blood run. But I’ve managed to get back to only getting it to bead up, occasionally running. I was clean for quite a few months but the smallest, SMALEST thing can set me back so much.

I’ve struggled my entire life with starving myself, binge eating, then starving myself. I’ve been an unhealthy weight a lot of my life. I’m around 240lbs now, my eating disorder is mainly starving now. My “Binges” are now small.

I have never been able to make a phone call to someone besides friends. Even family calls are hard a lot. I can barely order food at a restaurant, fancy or McDonald’s.

I’ve made money in my life from stealing, I’ve been a kleptomaniac for as long as I can remember. But I also made money doing bakery stuff for my mother, doing mechanical stuff, and babysitting. My only “legal” job was working at McDonald’s. I got fired a year after starting because we had a new manager who fired me over homophobic reasons. I hated going to work. I loved the work itself, but I hated having to be around anyone.

I’ve always been called lazy. And I feel like it’s true, I can barely find the motivation to get up to take a piss most days. I had such a hard time with organization and cleanliness as a kid so I always had a messy room, unless it was right after one of the days I got my stuff thrown away.

I never payed attention in school yet I somehow got straight As until i genuinely didn’t care anymore. I dropped out 10th grade on my 16th birthday. School was so much worse for my mental health. I was self harming almost every day, lying to myself about who I am to fit in.

I actually love learning, I wanted to get into nursing school but I know I’ll never get clean enough. I even study biology, trig, physics, crime scene investigation, all sorts of stuff. I have notebooks and notebooks that I’ve filled with information I’ll never use.

I was 10 when I got my first boyfriend. He was 18, a relationship on discord. It lasted a couple years at least. I was sexually assaulted multiple times growing up and I don’t wanna go into more detail in this post. But due to my sexual trauma i became very hyper sexual very young. I still am to this day, I sell pictures to creepy men online because I know I won’t be able to get any other job. But at the same time it’s basically been implemented in my brain I’m good for sex and nothing more. I feel so utterly disgusted with myself after every sexual experience in my life from sex to just sending nudes.

I grew up a chubby girl with big tits. It was 6th grade i started having boys desperate to touch them. I had Ds by then. I’m a F-G now (depends on the bra). My own step father and his sons who were much older than me started sexualizing me when I was about 13. One of my step brother was creepy since he entered my life.

I’ve had so many important parts of my life taken from me. My Virginity with a man was raped away when I was 14 on Christmas. My self worth was barely existent but it was gone completely by 9th grade. My first “good boyfriend” was when I was 15, he was 18. He filmed us one night after I asked him not to multiple times, but the next day a video of me having my brains fucked out was all over my school. It was a smaller school, but even some of the female teachers sided with him because he was the “king” of the school. I missed my middle school graduation which doesn’t seem like much to most people, but I knew I was going to drop out and never have a high school graduation. I was even selected to write a speech and go up and speak at the podium but due to anxiety from both situations I missed the whole thing entirely because I tried to kill myself that night.

Most of my attempts have been overdose attempts, and that’s for a reason. I couldn’t imagine my mother finding me and my brains splattered on the wall. But out of everything, no it’s not my mother that’s kept me alive. It’s been my best friend. I live in the states and he lives in Scotland. We’ve been friends for years, we met through my ex and were completely like the opposite of each other but we care about each other. And unfortunately I don’t think I’ll be able to meet him. We were going to meet when I turn eighteen because he’ll be turning 21 and can legally drink here, I can legally drink there.

I care about nothing more than him and it pains me that I know he will be disappointed when he realizes I gave up. I don’t plan on telling him anything.. we have a thing where if he’s gone for a month he’s on a mental health break, but two months he’s dead and I have his permission to kill myself. I’m going to tell him he has to wait a year for me because I might be in the mental hospital.

Back to simple things I can’t do, I would rather claw my own eyes out than be alone with a man in a room. But my best friend is the one exception. I haven’t gone on a date since new years. As soon as we got to his house, it wasn’t even 5 minutes before he had a gun pressed in my side.

Yet at the same time I feel like my only purpose is to make men happy in any way I can. Even if it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t want to do it. Because that’s all I’ve ever been good at and praised for.

There was about a week in my life and it was somewhat recent. I told myself I wasn’t going to attempt again because no matter what life won’t suck that bad. Being homeless was the happiest time of my life, sure I can be on the street and cold, no money, but I no longer have responsibilities and I get to walk which I love doing. I used to sneak out at night and go on long ass walks normally from 10pm to 3-5am.

More things about substances, once again I’m sorry for jumping around. I started smoking cigarettes in 6th grade, provided by my step father and girlfriend. I started drinking in 8th grade but now it takes half a bottle of tequila for me to be at a happy level of drunk. Or 4 bottles of cheap wine, or an entire bottle of rum. Anyways I feel like I’m rambling on and on so I’m gonna try to wrap this up.

What’s the main reason I want to kill myself? Because I know I will never be able to live a normal life. But my one goal as a kid was to make it to 18.