#for i expect only failure
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every attempt I make at Organizing collapses on itself. There's too much stuff, but I can't just can it all. I know there's things I want to save, but that means sorting, which means organizing, and then it collapses again, because I don't know where to put anything, what to label anything. It's just this daunting and ever-growing pile sitting ominously beside me.
I do not like this! I do not like being like this! I want to be organized! I want to be able to find my stories and ideas and notes and everything. Argh.
#ephemeris#this is just a rant#every time I try this I chuck everything into a file called some variation of 'sort this slowly as needed'#it does not help. layers of sorting attempts. the idea of excavating them all actually makes me want to cry#which seems like a not-normal reaction to the idea of getting organized#but you see. it Daunts me.#for i expect only failure#in some timeline there is an organized version of me and i hope she's having a nice time#she's probably so productive#maybe even finished a story or two
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my hawke :)
#da#da2#hawke#valentine#any prns for em#hawke gets to engage in a little illeism#varric suggests it’s as a joke but it really does help getting hawkes name out there.#‘the hawke’ the mysterious entity taking over kirkwall..#hawke is just happy to be referred to in non gendered terms by strangers. even if the gang clowns on them#nb hawke who only explores that aspect of themselves after leandra’s death bc their Eldest Daughter Syndrome dies with her.#on one hand it’s freeing. on the other they feel like a total failure#no more siblings to take care of. (carver is a warden and she’s already let go w/ him). no more mother with Expectations…#da2 is the projection game i guess. LMAO#fenhanders endgame. post game hawke and fenris go on the run and look for anders :)#they can be happy off screen . anders can have two guys who love him and keep him grounded 🥺#literally after inquisition happens they don’t even go to weisshaupt he just fucks off with fenris with word they found anders#i’m not done with the game yet so this is subject to change LOL#rev art
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whats funny about ans is i just dont understand when people say zenyuki are taking too long to get together. they are together. they are literally paving the way for their future together bc they know they want it to include each other and will make it happen no matter what. thats already so incredibly romantic idk the actual proposal/marriage part to me will always be for others rather than for themselves bc theyve basically already made that promise to each other and acted on it
#like sure actual romantic scenes have taken a backseat to other storylines#that i get even if its not a gripe i personally have#i heart plot i heart things happening. i love when characters exist and vibe andhave fun and have drama#and through it all zenyuki is very much an Established Relationship and i love that too#tbh sorata could write like 100 chapters of them just sitting around and i would clap and cheer#distant screeching#idk just saying things#also related i so strongly disagree when people talk about the lack of romance as a failure/weakpoint of the series#the expectation that all shoujo has to not only include romance but entirely CENTER on it is. depressing#that ans has gone on for so long doing so much else other than just being a love story is a win in my books
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imagine you are playing a story-based game w the opportunity to learn more abt charas thru a relationship system (eg visual novels), and your ability to explore every relationship is linked to your success in a different part of the game.
#lili talking#lili dev#did you know! shop systems FUCKING suck#make stuff too cheap = good players do everything like halfway thru#make stuff too expensive = only players who optimize from the start can get everything#personally i dont think option 1 in the poll is good game design but. maybe people actually like it!!!#and option 3 i think feels bad if your failures early on lock u out from later stuff#but i dont go here (visual novels) so idfk whats expected#thanks for being my willing lab rats along this journey 🫡#still cant talk abt this yet but. i promise im cooking#let me cook!! in silence!!!!!!#<- person whos every waking moment is consumed by stuff she wants to share but cant
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powder keg (full under the cut)
#wip success story!!#for a bit there i expected it to be a wip failure but i think we turned it around boys#arcane#arcane jinx#isn't it kinda cool how vi and powder don't. have last names. do vander or silco have last names#this thing has 49 layers and 1 of them is completely unrelated#approximately 8 of them are lineart#so it took 40 layers to color this.......#most of them are hidden too it's cuz i am so indecisive and afraid of messing stuff up so i just duplicate the layers and keep going#this is not a great art philosophy but it is what it is#eyestrain#my eyes got fucking STRAINED while working on this#but i love bright colors </3#the evidence of duplicating layers is in one of my shading layers called Layer5-1-2-1-1-1-1-1-2-2-1 or something like that#i went into overdrive lowkey bc i was like this Has to be finished before arc 3 (uhh very mild act 3/trailer spoilers to follow ig)#bc i Know her look changes and god knows i was NOT gonna erase those braids i painstakingly outlined (over a year ago)#it's the principle of the thing. i basically redrew half of it anyways but only because i could not stand it if i did not#i was already feeling like euhhhhhhhhhh abt the whole composition bc when i originally drew it it was kinda half based#around her league personality#so working on it now felt like it was just. Quite ooc for our current moment in the canon timeline#well. whatever. i think she looks cool enough. character notwithstanding. i just hope she is happy after saturday </3#jinx#jinx league of legends#felt like i should tag that on bc the personality thing lol.... lol#i just went through the jinx tag and reblogged a whole stream of super sentimental and super angsty jinx stuff#and now i am posting what i post best. moderately cool poses and mildly affective expressions :)#my art
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the nhs loves to gradually publish every single one of your blood test results over the span of a weekend except for your egfr. this is because they are evil tormentors <3
#:)#literally keep getting another result and it's like. oh my blood count my hemoglobin my iron levels my electrolytes#like wrdgaf because the only one that matters is the egfr!!!#i desperately need to know if the kidney damage done by the biopsy has stabilized yet or if i'm actually fucked lmao#oh but on the upside i'm officially no longer anemic because the hormone injections worked way better on me than expected ^_^#they were supposed to keep my hemoglobin at a steady mild anemia level at best#instead i'm now firmly at the lower end of the healthy range. if you care <3#i also need the results in because once they come in that means i get two whole weeks where they leave me alone#which will be the first and longest stretch of time i've not been ferried to a hospital all year#need this transplant to take place sooner rather than later because i think i'm gonna end up losing my mind#oomfies please never get kidney failure it's the fucking psychological abuse trenches out here!
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I want it back / I drag its dead weight forward.
#Better drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#digital art#This was a style experimentation doodle that took on a life of its own.#In a way it is a great example of 'beautiful failure'. The original goal was to try a pure black and white contrast piece.#Which I very much failed at doing. Not quite ready for that! However what this turned into is something I like a lot!#Different but in a way that really pushed me as an artist. A little less simple; a little more proportional.#I was also recently thinking about LWJ's grieving that we only catch glimpses of.#LWJ grieved his first love for 13 years. His love that was never reciprocated.#He chose to dedicate his heart to that mourning and most painfully of all - he did so knowing there was no end to that grief.#Wei Wuxian comes back to life in MDZS but that is an exception. Not the expectation.#He was dead. Not missing. Not 'maybe in hiding'. He was dead and his spirit unreachable.#Jiang Cheng went forwards with denial but LWJ takes that grief on. He copes by continuing to carry the weight with him.#Let me be clear. Neither are healthy approaches. It is a way to cope but it does not mean that is healing or healthy.#Grief is loved transformed but it is also about endurance and letting go. Grief can change you. You can also change your grief.#It isn't a good or evil thing to experience. It is just an experience.
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#i know i am not active here and i barely talk about bts on my texts or on my twitter account#but that doesnt change my love for them#and why i am saying this is because every signle damn day i wake up thinking about them#wondering how are they doing especially the members that are in military..are they good? are they safe? how is their mental health..#today i wanted to post a gifset of yoongi and i miss him so damn much and i only want to know that he is okay#like is he doing okay?..of course i expected him to disappear when he enlisted..he is a private person i expected this to happen but i want#to know that he is okay#i worry as a fan i worry because this artist this person was my comfort .. was and is my safe place i always listen to his songs when#i am either happy and sad..my success and failure in life is always 'shared' with his music#so i hope he is doing okay
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Learning Curve Hall-of-Famer right here. Tuvok making Chell clean the transporter room with the equivalent of a toothbrush as, I assume, a punishment of some sort & Harry coming out of left field with a 'You missed a spot <3' just to kick him while he's down. Harry, the man's gonna be there LITERALLY all day. Absolute bastards these Starfleet types <- said with love
#learning curve#Tuvok confiscating the Bajoran earring is obviously bad but his entire method of training is also just so ... it's a Lot#He's such a drill sargent v_v It's moments like these that make me think he and Harry would well together in the mirrorverse#B'Elanna: ?? But he'll be at it for hours! / Kim: (knowing that's the point) : ) .....#B'Elanna: Well good luck! / Harry: You missed a spot : )#Tuvok: Ten laps around the ship in increased gravity. Ten more laps if you talk back to me. Twenty. Thirty. Forty.#Twenty six hours scrubbing the floor as punishment. No stopping for water. I expect you to improve daily or I will consider this a failure.#Also Tuvok: I just don't understand why they aren't responding well to my training....hmm.... / Neelix: ................ : ) Um.#People like to focus on Tuvok as a good mentor or father figure but I really think that's only to very select and specific people about#select & specific things - this rigidity and lack of compassion and inability to understand others and general#vibe of being uncaring is also part of his personality#Like what Neelix said: 'That's the problem - you have no feeling for me but you have feelings against me' <- That sort of vibe#<- And also the fact that he's very close with Janeway despite (or perhaps because of) this is another interest component of them#Janeway who at the start of the show stated explictly that she was comfortable with her distance as Captain (which hints that she's not#like say - Pike. Who wants to get to know his crew intimately)#Idk I just think it's interesting!#Janeway & Tuvok as colder than other Human/Vulcan pairs is something that intrigues me. Janeway being comfortable with distance from others#and heavily segmenting her personal vs private lives and Tuvok who is the most quintessential Vulcan also being the closest to her for the#longest time (They've been friends 20 years prior to the show's opening)#There's no component of their relationship which demands Tuvok be more Human which is something I /WISH/....we EXPLORED more....the#Janeway-Tuvok friendship....it's SO telling that other Main Vulcan-Human pairs are like the most delved into relationships on screen but#Tuvok & Janeway's relationship is paid lip service but never REALLY is any time devoted to it explicitly. I wonder why that IS.
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I've watched only five Kamen Rider series so far and I've noticed a pattern of Episodes 6 consolidating my favorite characters
Oh well—
#gavv spoilers#tagging for safety sake since its preview sdfghjkl#the only time the pattern fails and still its not a big failure its in fourze#that happens to be my first kamen rider so there wasn't even a pattern yet#and still jk was my favorite until sakuta showed up — then he stayed as my 2nd fav#then ex-aid gives me the iconic beat brave and den-o has urataros joining the group#and then geats episode 6.......... is2g just check the brain damage it left in my art blog#ep 6 not only consolidates buffa as my favorite#but it gives me the ship i would sail until the very end thru the drought and storm#gavv you have a legacy to maintain and expectations to fulfill and i count on valen for it xclkvnclxvlxc
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Kresh time.
#belatedly realized if he and Skaro are twins then I need to up his maturity slider a bit I think#they don't share the same exact face because I couldn't bring myself to do that so they just have very similar ones#I often confuse these two faces myself (only difference is in the brows really)#githzerai#bg3 tav#my tavs#tav: kresh#he's so pretty I'm kind of in love with this hair#couldn't bring myself to give him the exact same color eyes either and their hair are slighty different shades of pink#so maybe they're fraternal twins instead of identical#need to figure out his lore and personality still but kresh sure has a chip on his shoulder#it's actually kind of funny if his parents had Plans for him and then Skaro up and joins the sha'sal khou and hooks up with a gith/llithid#now he's got all this weight of expectation not to be an additional family failure - and eventually he fails too#he's probably only going to figure that out after making a lot of mistakes though or else it isn't any fun
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eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh
#i just find it like so unfair yknow#im the only one who works in myhouse and full time#but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put#my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but#i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger#its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad#and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility#and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough#and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother#said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i “chose” this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9#and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time#constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers#and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either#its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they#cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything.#like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl#thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on#im just tired and upset#its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else.#and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing#im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf#oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this#and yk what#thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is#i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return#or if not#theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them#i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me#its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me
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Im watching centaur world and I need to cry
#im gonna vent real quick#i feel like a fuckin failure and i know you only fail if you dont try but its so much energy to keep trying#and it feels like no one has faith in me despite how they say they do#things are changing so fast i cant see forward...#i wanna be successful... i wanna write comics and make money... i wanna draw for profit#i love centaur world#my ocs my beloved#centaur#i want for nothing but everyone expects everything from me. im useless#anyway#i'll be ok#i just wanna bitch for a bit#fanart
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you absolutely already know this, but i adore your work. i think it's hard to avoid the pressure of being surrounded by people we might consider "true artists," but the fact is that, frankly, everyone who makes art is an artist.
before this year, i hadn't drawn a complete piece in nearly three years. the line work i did produce felt abysmal and i was tempted to give up. then, i saw your comic and i thought, "wow, that's really cute, and it looks like a fun style to emulate."
i drew you, pondering me, eating grass. and it WAS fun. i forgot how fun it could be. i can draw lesbian horses, or pony!WWX throwing a chicken, or me eating grass. i can even make shitty memes! and all of it, no matter how good or how bad, is fun again.
you bring a lot of fun to people here. that's something equally as important as people who cultivate fancy line work or expert level digital painting. i'm sure that's something you know, but i hope it never hurts to hear it.
happy first season, friend! i can't wait to see the rest.
As a chronic perfectionist, it's been a long journey for me to accept that 'done is better than nothing' and that the worst critical voice is my own. Sure there's people who've gone to professional art schools, and those with a more than a decade of experience on me, but honestly? Would I tell a child their sonic drawing isn't art? Just because they have no 'experience' or 'technique'? Absolutely not. So I'm no longer saying my efforts should not count as art.
At the end of the day, art is what we choose to make it. We have the power to create whatever we want. And we are going to use it to have fun! We never lost the love and fun for creation we all had as children, we just told ourselves it wasn't enough. But it really is B*)
#ask#non mdzs#Thank you so much for this very heartfelt message B'*)#This kinda hit hard for me cause this blog isn't actually my first attempts at art (started with the classical florals and life drawing)#but it stressed me out immensely. All I could see was flaws and it made the process miserable knowing I wasn't going to succeed#So I stopped trying. I didn't draw for *years*#The point of Poorly drawn mdzs was always 'it doesn't matter how it looks it matters that I just keep going'#and it made art fun! I was making comics for ME and no one else. The bar was so low and I really could only go up from where I started#I think art block might be 50% fear of failure and 50% the weight of expectations. *That's* why art is perceived as 'hard'.#I'm gonna be fully honest here; your art is GORGEOUS!!! I'm glad you didn't give up B*) Though I understand the feeling.#I have greatly enjoyed chatting and collaborating with you! Thank you for so so many things#I hope to see more of your work again in the future!! I hope you keep finding the joy and fun in the act of creation!#is it not so amazing we can make something out of thoughts in our heads?#Lets all remember that art let's us draw ourselves eating grass and realize how wonderful that is
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#what a week#(captain its tuesday)#anyways its my first real week at my job and omg it is sooooo much stress already#i hope i will find my routine its been only four days since i started working there so why do i expect myself to do everything perfectly :/#and my supervisor is nice and he is good at explaining everything#but today... i felt like he wanted me to do so much at once like sir its only been four days 😭 why do you look at me like i am a failure#and ugh i hate the way i am so angsty and shaky the whole time and full of self-doubt... maybe i am just not made for life lmao#i need to get rich immediatelyyy#oh yeah i am also trying to work on things with my bf i thought it was over but it wasn't we were just close to ending it :///#the last two weeks were tough frens dec and january are kicking me in the guts
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I just have to say that any woman character with long hair who mucks about without putting her hair up is deeply, atrociously unserious.
Goes for guys too ofc, but women are notoriously bad. Lady fighter with long, free hair in a brawl with a bunch of other people?
No she isn't. Finish the job and stick her in pink heels with painted nails already because you've already communicated that's where she should be and you've already shown she has no sense. Producers, you should be embarrassed.
#rant post#specifically this is about the Furiosa movie#she is so dumb#DUMB as BRICKS#wtf is she doing with hair that isn't tied back??? what a loser#it's also about every other movie I've seen (most of them) that have any woman doing any work whatsoever#you don't do work with your hair free#stoppit#you could be SO SEXY by showing your lady MC throwing a hair tie on before getting down to business#but you're all STUPID FAILURES. @EVERY MOVIE PRODUCER EVER#if i have one pet peeve it's this honestly#grow your hair out and go do yard work with it down#go run a couple miles with your hair down. idiot.#jfc#you can tell the little prissy princess who's never worked a day in their life#from someone who's done. literally ANY one thing ever. by whether they put their hair up.#there should be a rating scheme for shows based on how the women wear their hair. literally the only rating that matters#so far furiosa is 1/5 stars#you expect me to believe she's mucking about as a mechanic and a truck driver in Australia heat with her hair down? no she isn't.#she looks terrible#she's never refueled a vehicle in her entire life#people who think ugly hair down is sexier on women or anyone than the sweaty lil flyaways you get from hair pulled tight and back?? grow up#sorry to report furiosa met an untimely death due to spitting hair from her mouth and it flying into her face so she missed the guy#who blew her up. oops
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