#for Eddie and of a parent for Chris) running away will break him more but healing comes in the aftermath

[schrijverr]

I Mean, You Love Him, Don’t You?

Divergence from chapter 31, where Shannon sees the bombing on TV and immediately realizes (or thinks she does) what is happening; what has happened without her there. However, upon arriving at the hospital, she realizes it’s a little more complicated than that.

On AO3.

Ships: Buddie

Warnings: injury, referenced emotionally abusive parenting

~~~

Shannon is at home by herself when she sees the news. Ever since fleeing El Paso and the death of her mother, she’s been working on herself. She’s going to community college at night and has a pretty okay job as receptionist.

The dating game is something she’s been out of and she only has a few friends, but she tells herself that she isn’t lonely. That she’s doing okay.

Though, maybe sitting alone on her couch and mindlessly watching TV isn’t the best way of proving that to herself.

However, it works in her favor, because otherwise she wouldn’t have seen the breaking news segment interrupting the game show she was starting to find annoying. The bomber that’s been terrorizing LA blew up a firetruck and is holding a bunch of firefighters hostage.

“If you’re just joining us, witnesses are reporting that this LAFD ladder truck, belonging to station house 118, was hit by some kind of an explosive as it was making its way to a call. Now, you can see there’s a firefighter pinned under that truck.”

The camera pans and Shannon drops her tea cup as she gasps: “Evan?”

She thought of Evan from time to time after she left, the boy that she couldn’t love that she used as an escape from the boy that couldn’t love her. She wondered what happened to him, after she left Chris with him, a thing she still feels guilt about. Wondered where he went after. What job he worked. If he got out of there like she did.

To see him after all these years and in these circumstances is shocking. He did get out. He’s been in the very same city as her. He has a different job now, probably a whole new life. And he’s being held hostage!

Her hands start shaking and she starts reaching around, as if there is something she needs to grab or do that will change the situation. But she can’t. She’s sitting on her couch and he is on an intersection somewhere pinned by truck and some jackass with a bomb.

On the screen, you can see some commotion to the side, before someone is running. The journalist reports: “This is unexpected. A civilian now confronting the young man with that vest. We’ve got no details on this man’s identity.”

As they continue to speculate and report on what’s happening, Shannon is on the edge of her seat. She has always wished Evan nothing but to best. To see him like this now hurts way more than expected.

After what feels like forever, the man that walked onto the scene tackles the bomber. There appears to be somewhat of a scuffle, but then more police, bomb squad looking people are moving in and the reporter on the scene tells them the bomber is taken into custody.

Shannon lets out a sigh of relief, sagging slightly and allowing herself a thankful gaze to the heavens. She hasn’t moved her eyes away ever since she first recognized Evan and she’s pretty sure the tea will stain her rug and her couch.

God, that was super stressful. She doesn’t think she can handle anymore revelations like that today, she thinks to herself.

“Well, that firefighter really appears to have taken the brunt of all of this. That’s an entire ladder truck that you see there. We can only hope for the best at this point.”

She sits back up, wanting to at least keep watching until Evan is freed and on his way to the hospital, maybe even send him a card or something. Then, naturally, because the universe loves to fuck with her, another revelation gets thrown in her face when she looks back to the screen. The camera zooms in on the firefighters helping and she spots a very familiar silhouette among them; Eddie.

Holy shit.

She rubs at her eyes and blinks a few times, before squinting at the screen. She has half convinced herself she’s imagining things, but no, that is still very much Eddie.

From the angle and distance, she can’t make out many of his facial features, but she doesn’t really have to. The way he’s kneeling beside Buck, hand continuously running over him again and again, while his counterpart medic doesn’t, tells her enough.

There is a desperation there when he looks up to the man that rushed in earlier to talk down the bomber. His shoulders are both tight and slumped. He almost looks a little like he did during the last glance she send to him, before she was whisked away by doctors during her birth.

The thought makes her swallow and a pit grows in her stomach when the man responds and Eddie almost collapses in on himself, only held up by the steel in his spine that has been forced in there by his father.

Shannon claps her hand to her mouth, nearly choking on her tears. She can’t have just been forced back into this sphere she left behind just to face another tragedy. She can’t watch as Eddie loses another person dear to him after her. She doesn’t even want to begin to think what it would mean for Christopher.

“Now, look at this. Bystanders stepping in. They're gonna help out. This really is an amazing scene that’s unfolding. What an incredible show of support and gratitude.”

Oh thank God. Bystanders are indeed stepping in, running over the blockade to help and lift the truck off of Evan. The tears now truly start to fall and she can only feel gratefulness towards everyone there, who stepped up and helped.

She watches as Evan is lifted on a stretcher by the woman who was helping Eddie earlier and another man. Eddie is also there, but he doesn’t appear to be helping, instead holding Evan’s hand as he disappears into the ambulance.

Despite following along every moment, it doesn’t all register until the camera pans away from the disappearing ambulance.

Shannon tunes the journalist out, who is babbling about beautiful moments of support, instead again realizing that, holy shit, Evan and Eddie are in the same city as her. Christopher is probably in the same city as her. Evan and Eddie still know each other. Work together.

When she left Christopher with Evan, she did so, because leaving him anywhere else would invite questions that would crumble her resolve. She always felt bad about it, but she never questioned what that would have meant. Now, she understands that her leaving the way she did, forced Evan and Eddie into each other’s orbit.

She has always assumed that after a while, Evan would leave El Paso too. That he would have saved up enough and leave that shithole town behind like they both always wanted to. In a way, he did, though he didn’t leave it alone.

Or he ran into Eddie again at work and this is all coincidence.

However, Shannon has a hard time believing that. She remembers Evan clearly no matter how many years have passed, the way he was always ready and happy to help, delighted in watching Christopher, showing him all the chickies. Seeing them together still, it doesn’t feel unreasonable to her that he stayed when she left. That he kept offering to help.

A part of her feels like she should be surprised Eddie took the offered help. When she was still there, he wanted nothing to do with Evan – the boyfriend – always making sure she did drop off and pick up when Evan watched Christopher.

But she doesn’t find it weird. Evan is so open and earnest and Eddie must have been panicking when he found her gone. Guilt stabs through her again. She can totally believe that he would have been weak to those baby blues just like she was, especially when she divorced him for the reason she did.

Yeah, sure, Eddie never confirmed she was right and resisted her more delicate way of bringing it up, but he signed those paper without too much protest, and looking at him now, even tiny on that television screen, she can tell he nearly lost the love of his life.

She needs to find him.

She knows it sounds crazy, because she walked out on not only him, but their child soon and she never turned back. After all she did, she is probably the last person he wants to see. Ever.

However, he just went through something ginormous and he needs people to lean on. Shannon might not know anything about accidents, but that looked bad, and she does know what it’s like to have hospitalized and dying loved ones. You need people to prevent you from drowning. Eddie needs someone right now. A friend.

Before she got pregnant and responsibility took them down – something much bigger than they could prepare for tying them together – they had been friends. Good friends. They’d spend hours driving around, talking, laughing, sharing things they never shared.

If she hadn’t become pregnant, Shannon believes that even though they wouldn’t have worked out in the end as partners, she would have had a lifelong friend in Eddie.

Besides, if her theory about what happened between them is correct, then Christopher just had one of his dads be severely injured. If wanting to support her child, even if Eddie won’t let her see him directly, isn’t a good reason to at least try to find him, she doesn’t know what is.

So, she spends some times trying to figure out where the truck bombing happened, before finding nearby hospitals, driving to the wrong one first, before finding the right one.

Shannon is a little anxious, just as she was the first time, when she gets out of her car, but pushes through anyway. She’s been running for long enough from this. The people that were once her family need her, she isn’t going to abandon them again.

She is glad she gathered herself in the car, because she runs into Eddie a lot quicker than she thought she would, finding him slumped on the ground next to the ER entrance. His knees are up to his chest and his head buried between his knees.

Her stride pauses for a second, unsure how to get his attention. His shoulders are shaking a little and it hits her that he’s crying. She can’t recall ever seeing Eddie cry before. Not when he left for boot-camp, not during the birth, not after that doctor’s visit that got Chris a diagnosis. Not when they fought and not when they divorced. He always seemed so strong, so perfect, so much more in control of himself than her.

It’s almost odd to see this version of him, but it humanizes him too. He isn’t the perfect parent that she could never be, the good son to her bad daughter. He’s just a man. And right now he is alone. Everyone just walks past him, letting him cry by himself.

After hesitating for a moment longer, she takes a deep breath and makes her way over to him, sliding down the wall and sitting down next to him. She doesn’t say anything or touch him, just sits close enough so that he can feel her presence.

“Are you going to be disappointed at me again?” Eddie asks after a moment, voice rough and raw. He doesn’t look at her when he says it, she isn’t even sure he knows who he’s talking to.

“Why would I be disappointed in you, Eddie?” she asks, proud of herself when she doesn’t waver when she talks to him. She is also curious at the answer, wondering why that’s what he expects anyone that is here with him to be with him.

Eddie’s head whips up at the sound of her voice. His eyes are red-rimmed, wide in their shock, and his hair is an absolutely mess. He gapes a few times, then almost seems scared as he softly asks: “Shan?”

“Hi, Eddie,” she smiles crookedly. “It’s been a while, huh?”

“Wha- what are you doing here?” he asks, scrabbling back a little.

A part of her withers in her chest. She didn’t expect a warm welcome, but this is also a little extreme, though to be fair, she did ambush him slightly. So, she tries not to take it to heart as she explains: “I saw what happened on the news. First recognized Evan, then you. I kinda guessed what might have happened, since I left. I wanted you to not be alone.”

Eddie stares at her as if she’s an alien, clearly trying to find his wits and failing slightly. She might not know him well anymore – maybe she never did – but she knows his overwhelmed face from miles away.

“I know being alone sucks,” she says, when he stays quiet, wanting to give him more context. “I never meant to stay gone. Never meant to leave the way I did. I just didn’t know how to come back. This kind of felt like a sign, I guess?”

“Signs aren’t real,” Eddie tells her, almost instinctively. He startles a little at the sound of his own voice, then blinks himself into the presence and frowns: “You didn’t know how to come back? Maybe pick up the phone? Call? Send a card? Or a text? Hell, even a telegram or a fax.”

She can’t help the humorless chuckle that escapes her and she shakes her head: “It’s not that easy, Eddie.” He is about to protest, but she cuts him off: “I am sorry. I am. So incredibly sorry. You have no clue how guilty I’ve felt all these years. I want to make it right. Make it up to you. To Christopher. But right now, I just want to be here for you. Are you okay?”

With the way he looks, Shannon would have thought she slapped him, instead of merely asking a question.

Then he glares at the ground, as if his eyes can burn a hole in it. There is a small tremble in his lips, but he bites down harshly, pushing it all down. “I’m fine,” he grits.

Watching him now, she wonders how much he pushed down when they were together, how much of his hurt she didn’t see, like he didn’t seem to notice her hurts. God, they had just been stupid kids, hurting themselves in doing something neither of them wanted to.

She nudges him and waits until he is looking at her again, before she gently says: “It’s okay if you’re not fine, you know. I mean, you love him, don’t you?”

His eyes go from a mild glower to a wide eyed stare and he lets go of his bottom lip to gape at her. For a few moments, he’s silent, then he says in a hushed whisper: “Oh my god, I love him.”

“Did you- did you not know that?” Shannon asks, almost cautious. Maybe her assessment that they ran into each other and it was a coincidence was more correct, but then how long have they been working together for Eddie to fall for him the way he has?

“Yeah,” Eddie squeaks. Then he looks panicked as he asks: “Does this- Am I… am I gay?”

Shannon freezes, unsure if it is considered rude to answer yes to that. Finally she settles on saying: “Do you think you’re gay?”

“I don’t know,” Eddie yelps. “Do you think I’m gay?”

“Uh…”

“Oh my god, you totally think I’m gay.”

“Well, you just agreed that you love a guy, pretty sure that’s kind of gay,” Shannon exclaims, hands fluttering about awkwardly. “And, like, I kind of thought you were… when I divorced you. But you can say you’re not.”

“I mean, yeah, but I didn’t know that,” Eddie says.

“You didn’t?” Shannon can’t help but ask.

Eddie groans and buries his head in his hands, but she can see his ears have turned pink. Embarrassed he asks: “Was I- Was I that obvious about it?”

“A little,” Shannon winces apologetically. “But I only noticed after Chris was born. Too caught up in it all before that, I suppose.”

“Sorry,” Eddie murmurs. “I- I wasn’t a great husband.”

“No, you weren’t,” Shannon sighs. “But I don’t think either of us were great at being married. God, remember how we fought?”

“Yeah, that got bad,” Eddie says, uncurling slightly and managing a small smile. He is relaxing again, seeming slightly more grounded than when she first arrived and accidentally made him question his whole identity. Them being able to joke about their marriage won’t fix everything and there is so much she still has to make up for, but it feels like a good first step.

With them on more solid footing, she feels a bit of curiosity burning, both at what happened with Chris after she left as well as with Evan and Eddie. Slightly suggestive, she asks: “So… you and Evan.”

“Buck,” Eddie says. “He goes by Buck.” Then he blushes at the correction that seems to come almost instinctive.

“Okay,” Shannon nods with a smile. “So… you and Buck.”

The blush get worse and he curls in on himself. “It’s not like that. We’re best friends. He probably doesn’t even like me like that. He’s just so good and nice. Too nice.”

Shannon can recognize that. She can still remember the way she said the same thing to him. It hadn’t been a compliment then, not entirely. But the reproach was mostly directed at herself. How she didn’t deserve his kindness.

Eddie rubs his face and groans again: “God, he is so fucking nice. And sweet. And good with Chris. He loves that kid to death, you know.”

Vaguely she thinks, that maybe her first assessment was right, except the being in love together kind, but just that Buck stayed to help. That realization, though, gets overshadowed by a stab through her heart at the words. At the knowledge that someone else is good with her kid, that Christopher has a bond that she was supposed to have with someone that is not her.

However, she knows that she can grieve the feeling of a lack of connection to Christopher, but it’s her that walked out. So, she swallows it and with a wobbly voice, she says: “I’m glad Christopher has him.”

“Me too,” Eddie says, voice tight. “Fuck, I don’t even know how I’m going to tell him about this. What can I even say to him? Do I bring him here to wait for Buck to wake up? Or do I wait until Buck is out of surgery? Let Chris sleep tonight and burden him tomorrow, but risk him feeling like he missed out on being here for Buck or – god forbid – saying goodbye to him?”

Shannon’s breath catches and she almost doesn’t dare to reply. She hesitates, wondering if Eddie is actually asking her on advice about raising Christopher again, if he trusts her with that, or if this is just him ranting.

Cautious, she asks: “Would the security of knowing Buck is okay later be better for him or the ability to be here for him now regardless of the situation?”

“The- the last,” Eddie finally decides. “He’d want to know. He’d want to be here.” He nods to himself, then goes to fish his phone out of his pocket and dials a number. “Hey, Carla. Did you see the news?”

She has no clue who Carla is and tries to remember if it’s anyone from Eddie’s vast extended family that he mentioned when they were married, but no one comes to mind. It sits wrong in her chest that she doesn’t even know the person who is with Christopher right now.

“Yeah, he’s in surgery. He’s probably going to live, but his leg- it’s bad. Really bad. Uh, can you- can you bring Chris to the hospital? I- I want to tell him myself. In person. And I can’t just leave Buck alone here,” Eddie’s voice snaps her back to the conversation.

When he replies to whatever Carla said, he sounds like there is something stuck in his throat. “Thank you so much. I- I don’t know what I would do without you.” Then he quickly hangs up, clapping a hand over his mouth and squeezing his eyes closed.

She pulls his tense form into her side. Her ass is cold and kind of numb from sitting on the ground outside, but she doesn’t care. She’s run so long from this. Not just from El Paso, her in-laws or Christopher, but Eddie too. They had never been there for each other, no matter how much they tried to be. If she wants to come back, that has to change too.

So, she holds him, lets him tuck his head into her neck and feels the way he cries. Even now, he is restraining himself, shoulders tight to prevent them from hitching and cries silent, only felt as hot tears hit her skin, not heard and carefully hidden from view.

Still, despite his restrain, he doesn’t succeed in stopping himself from crying and it takes a few minutes before he stops himself.

Once he does, he pulls away from her. He roughly rubs his tears away, frowning as if annoyed with himself that they’re even there. Before taking a deep breath and squaring his shoulders.

Shannon just watches in a weird sort of fascination as a mask gets pulled on, then realizes with a start that mask is more familiar to her. She wonders if she’s a stranger to Eddie too. Wonders if they were ever anything other than two strangers pretending they weren’t.

“I need you to go,” is what he finally sees when he has gathered himself completely.

“What?”

Her heart constricts, cracks and gets folded in on itself to punch her in the gut. She knew not to expect a warm welcome, but she thought she at least broke the ice somewhat, opened herself up, apologized, and it seemed like Eddie accepted that somewhat. But now that is undone and he is shutting her out, like he always does.

The instinct of all their years together is to fight, to get angry, but she suppresses it. Eddie is not her husband anymore and she gave up the right to call herself Christopher’s mother. It’s up to Eddie to let her in again, to let her make it right. It crushes her that he doesn’t want her to, but it’s not on her to force this on him.

So, she swallows the bile that comes up. The taste of broken hope foul in her mouth.

However, then it seems Eddie’s words register in his own mind and he waves his hand around kind of panicky as he says: “Oh, no, not- not like that. I just- For now.” He pinches his own brow and takes a breath, then steadier he says: “I need you to go. For now.”

“Just for now?” Shannon asks, unable to help keep that vulnerably hopeful note out of her voice as she does.

“Yeah, just for now,” Eddie assures her. “I- I can’t- Right now, I- I have to worry about Buck and- and Chris and our- our job. Fuck, I- I only just realized I love him. I can’t- I need to process that, be here for Chris, for Buck. I can’t deal with you being here on top of that. I need to talk to- to Buck first.”

“Of course, yeah, no, I get that,” Shannon immediately says. She can’t even begin to imagine how tonight must have been for Eddie. Her showing up was a gamble and it paid off, but not right now. Not in the midst of all this.

Still, she is going to do it right this time, not abandon Eddie to his fate like she felt abandoned. It’s a terrible feeling, trust her. So, she checks: “As long as you’re gonna be okay. Are you alone here? Will you have anyone here other than Christopher? Someone you can lean on?”

She almost asks after Carla, but stops herself. It sounds jealous even in her own mind, even though it’s not meant like that. God, what if Carla is Buck’s girlfriend? That would make this whole thing even more of a mess.

“I’ll- uh, I’ll have Carla? Maybe,” Eddie offers. “She’s an at home care aid, watches Chris. That’s something.”

“Doesn’t sound like much of anything,” Shannon breaks kindly. “Is there anyone you can call? Didn’t you get here with coworkers?” She’s pretty sure she saw more people on the news.

Eddie winces at the mention of coworkers and he says: “Uh, they all kind of hate me right now.”

“What? Why?” Shannon frowns. She now remembers how their conversation started, how Eddie thought there was someone there to be disappointed in him. She can’t imagine why someone would be in these circumstances. Unless Eddie somehow caused the accident, but that seems unlikely.

“Uh, they all found out me and Buck are married,” Eddie mumbles, not meeting her eyes as his cheeks flush once more.

“You’re married?”

The flush only strengthens and Eddie ducks his head, still refusing to look her in the eyes. “Yeah, we, uh- we are. Marriage of convenience. So, Buck could adopt Chris and watch him while I re-enlisted. I- I didn’t want my mom to take him. She might not have given him back.”

That is a loaded sentence and Shannon needs a moment to process every part of it.

Firstly, marriage of convenience? Does Eddie mean to tell her that these two idiots got married, because it was useful and it’s taken him until now to even realize he’s in love with the guy? That he’s fucking gay? Really?

Secondly, Buck adopted Christopher. She doesn’t know why that feels like a punch in the gut. She already knew that Buck has a prominent spot in his life, that he took over for her after she left. But hearing that he has a legal claim on him, while she gave up hers, makes it real in a way that tears her up inside.

Thirdly, they did that to prevent Helena from taking Christopher. Out of everything, that’s the easiest to absorb. Helena has wanted to raise Christopher on her own from the moment he was born, even before that too. If it wasn’t a federal crime, Shannon maybe would have snapped at some point and just taken Christopher and ran across state borders to get away from her.

Once everything has settled, she has to pick what to focus on, finally deciding to say: “Only you, Eddie, only you.”

“Uh, thank you?” Eddie replies, horridly awkward in a way that reminds her of the eighteen year old she fell in love with once upon a time.

She giggles, unable to help herself, the laughter only growing stronger as Eddie squawks and gently pushes with a pout.

“Shut up.”

“I’m sorry,” she smiles. “It’s just very you. Bet it was your idea to lie about it to your coworkers.” He blushes. “Oh my god, it totally was.”

“I said shut up!” Eddie exclaims, but there is something lighter about him when he does.

Shannon holds her hands up in defeat as she smirks: “I will, I will.”

“Good.” Eddie eyes her suspiciously, then pouts: “It wasn’t meant to get this much out of hand. We just started lying and then we got in too deep and couldn’t get out anymore.”

In a way, the words remind her of what he did with her. The way he convinced himself that he loved her, kept going and going until they had a child, a marriage, a home, and he couldn’t get out. How both of them got trapped in his lie.

This time, he has a different lie, however. This time he probably kept telling himself it wasn’t that deep, that it was just convenience and didn’t mean anything. That no one had to know, because then no one could tell him what he was doing meant something. Then no one could force him to see what he’s been ignoring for so long.

Her chest constricts for him and she squeezes his shoulder. “I hope it works out well for you this time, Eddie.”

He frowns for a moment, probably confused how she got to that response, then smiles crookedly: “Me too, Shan.”

“Tell them they need to be there for you, yeah? And let them,” she asks, because she’s sure Eddie won’t let them, even if they extended an invitation. He has always been stubborn like that.

In response his face contorts and he doesn��t meet her eye as he says: “Maybe,” which is probably all she is going to get from him now, unless she wants to push, but she doesn’t.

As predicted, Eddie decides he’s had enough of this for today, because he hauls himself onto his feet and holds his hand out to pull her back up. A part of her feels like maybe she should call him out on it, but he’s probably has had a hard enough day. Plus, he still has to break the news to Christopher. She wishes she could be there for that, but knows it’s too soon. It wouldn’t be good for Christopher and she refuses to be a horrible mother. So, she lets Eddie pull her up.

Eddie pauses for a moment when they stand there, clearly hesitating for a moment. His spine straightens with resolve and then he quickly wraps too arms around her, squeezes her for a moment, before letting go and stepping back. “Uh, thank you. For coming.”

The bashful little look he gives warms something inside her and for a moment, she remembers the moments like this one that made her fall in love with him all those years ago.

However, she’s older now. Wiser too. The warmth is no longer the flutter it used to be, instead it’s a nostalgic fondness. A love she used to feel, now whittled down into something else, something more friendly. She likes that that still exists too.

“Of course,” she smiles. “Is it too early to make an in sickness and in health joke?”

“Probably,” Eddie snorts loudly at that. That stupid snort he always did when he genuinely found something funny. God, she missed that. She missed the friend she had.

“Then I’ll wait with that,” she grins widely. A little more timid, she asks: “Will you call me when you have news on Buck?” and news on if I can ever see my son again, she doesn’t say, though she’s pretty sure Eddie picks up on it.

He sends her a sympathetic look, but it doesn’t make her feel pitied like it used to do, even if Eddie has his mother’s face. “I will,” he promises. To add a bit of lightness to it, he jokes: “Does that mean you’ll unblock me?”

Shannon lets out a short laugh at that, though it’s more of a wet chuckle if she’s honest with herself. “I will,” she promises too. Both promises feel like more than coordinating an update.

For a moment, they just stand there, next to the ER entrance. Silently. Then Shannon jerks with her thumb in the general direction of her car and says: “I guess, I should go now?”

“Uh, yeah,” Eddie agrees, obviously feeling a little awkward about the whole thing. “Uhm, goodbye, then, I guess? For now.”

“Yeah… Goodbye. For now,” Shannon nods. She hugs him again, then quickly walks away before she can find another excuse to stay. Christopher has to deal with this first, before she can come back. She isn’t going to be a horrible mother. Not again.

So, she leaves.

Well, she goes to her car. Then she sits behind the wheel, telling herself to turn the key and drive away, but finding herself unable to do so. Before tonight, she thought she would never see Christopher again, that he was halfway across the country. But now he’s in the same city as her. Almost at the same building. So incredibly close.

Which means that Shannon sits right there. Unable to move, eyes trained on the ER entrance Eddie disappeared through moments earlier. She isn’t going to talk to him. She just wants to see him.

After fifteen minutes, there he is. He’s walking with an Afro-American woman, who is leading him gently. He’s dressed in his pajamas and looks a little sleepy, but he’s walking easily with his crutches, glasses firmly in place. He looks okay. Happy. Healthy. So big.

A breath catches in her throat and without her permission a tear slides down her face. It’s immediately followed by another, then another one, until she’s crying in her car. Alone.

It’s not even an entirely sad sort of crying. It is a little, but it also isn’t. Sure, she is sad because the baby she once held is now a little boy, easily standing on his own too legs and no longer tripping over his crutches and it aches, because she missed so much. But he looks okay. He lived. She didn’t irreparably fuck him up for life and that’s a relief she didn’t see coming, until it suddenly hits her now, sitting in her car, watching him.

She waits until he’s inside, then sits there for a few minutes longer. It’s a Herculean task, but she turns on the ignition and manages to drive away.

At home, she falls into bed feeling exhausted. She is anxious about how tomorrow will go. If Eddie will ever contact her again, if Buck will let her back in Christopher’s life, or if he’ll block her return while Eddie would have let her back in. If she will ever see Christopher again. If he will still want her there.

It gnaws on her. Her mind keeps running and sleep alludes her until the late hours. In the end, she finally manages a few hours fitful sleep.

However, she shouldn’t have worried, because when she finally wakes up the next morning, it is to a series of texts from a number she hasn’t had contact with in years. The contact name is still Edmundo, which she had done to be petty after the divorce. She changes it back to Eddie, before opening them.

Is a hospital a weird place to confess?

This is Eddie, by the way.

Chris took the news about Buck as well as he could.

Buck is okay too.

We’re with him now.

Might take a while to bring it all up.

A knot unclenches in her stomach and a smile comes on her face. It’s not perfect, it will be a while for her to be allowed back in, but Eddie isn’t pulling back and Christopher and Buck are both okay. She couldn’t ask for more.

So, she decides to be hopeful instead. She’s been working on herself. This is a good step for her. It’s maybe even a first step to getting some semblance of a social life, because when she’s honest has been a little lonely.

With a shit eating grin, she texts back: A hospital is a great place to confess

Hug Christopher tight from me?

Would it be ok for me to send Buck a card?

~~

A/N:

Does this AUAU primarily exist to fuck with people that check the titles for this fic on tumblr to trick them into thinking the reveal wasn’t happening in chapter 30? Mayhaps. However, I am happy about bringing Shannon back for this, just to let her know what happened in her absence, since that will always be iconic to me, because that is wild from her POV

I am sad I didn’t bring Shannon back in the main verse, but you can’t bring her back without having to deal with all the messy emotions that come with the way they split up and the insecurities and whatever and that isn’t what the main fic is about. And if I brought her back, that is what it would have become about. However, dipping my toe in it through these AUAUs is very fun :D

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Eddie’s arc gonna be so so so good this season

The Chris stuff is going to hurt so bad and break me but healing is coming for them both and I’m expecting a Chris-tmas episode reunion of father and son

[megalony]

They're Joined

This is an Eddie Diaz imagine, requested by Anon, thank you for this I love writing dramatic, angst pieces. I hope you like it.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem@butlegendsneverdie@langdonzvoid@jennyggggrrr@rogmeddows@radiob-l-a-hblah@rogertaylorsbitontheside@chlobo6@rogertaylors-lipgloss@sj-thefanthefan@omgitsearly@luckytrashgooprebel@scarsout@deaky-with-a-c@killer-queen-ofrhye@bluutac@vousmemanqueez-blog@jonesyaddiction@milanosaurus@httpfandxms@saint-hardy@7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls@mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me  @hellsdragon@im-an-adult-ish@crazylittlethingg@allauraleigh@onceuponadetectivedemigod@ceres27@avyannadawn@noonenuts@sleepylunarwolf@coverupps@justagirlthatlovedtoread @musicistheway @avada-kedavra-bitch-187 @luula @missdreamofendless @bradleybeachbabe

911 Masterlist

Summary: After a day trip, the Diaz family are on their way home when they get caught up in a crash. The 118 work to get them out when their lives are in danger.

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A soft smile lit up (Y/n)'s face as she slowly turned in her seat to look behind her in the back of the car. Her gaze fell on her son and she smiled brighter as she watched him for a few moments.

He was in his carseat, biting down on his thumb and rocking his head and chest back and forth, lightly bashing into the seat. He had a big smile morphed around his thumb and his legs were swinging back and forth, catching his shoes on her seat but she didn't mind. He was ecstatic.

It had been a long time since Chris had visited a zoo and the hour and a half drive had been more than worth it to see his face light up. He had zoomed around on his crutches, never tiring even though he had been walking about for hours. Every so often Eddie had picked him up and sat him on his shoulders to give him a break or let him get a better view of the animals.

His favourite had been the penguins, which was why he had a stuffed penguin toy tucked under his arm, pinned against his chest. (Y/n) had worried they wouldn't be able to get him to leave the zoo but he had been hungry and the promise of a takeaway for tea was enough to get him back in the car.

He had been stimming for the last hour.

Every now and then a squeal would break through over the noise of the radio or Chris would push back in his seat and rock so much the carseat started to creak and bash. But his parents were used to it and his happy stimming like this always made them smile.

(Y/n) slowly turned back round and shuffled down in her seat, relieved they were only twenty minutes away from home now. It had been a long day and she wanted to get out of the car and get something to eat.

Just when she reached her hand over to hold Eddie's thigh, her eyes widened and her lips parted silently. She caught Eddie's eye, noticing his raised brows and he tilted his head to look in the rear view mirror. Chris was doing echolalia.

"Then we were running and I ran-"

(Y/n) couldn't make out the rest of what Chris was saying, each word was said faster and faster until he was messing up his pronouncing and mashing the words together. His voice got higher as he continued to repeat a few random, unrelated phrases he had heard until he stopped himself and screamed excitedly.

It wasn't very often that Chris would do his echolalia during the day, it mostly happened at night when he was trying to fall asleep. It was a condition where Chris would repeat words and phrases he had heard, some of them recent and some of them could have been from months ago. He didn't understand what he was saying, it was just his brain processing and repeating and it usually happened at night when he was excited and winding down to sleep.

They had heard him say a lot of random things over the years and it was surprising how Chris could talk in full sentences when he was doing his echolalia. But then when he was talking properly to them or at school, he didn't always use enough words or use adjectives or connecting words. He was a lot slower at talking when he was engaged in conversation whereas like this, he talked so fast even he couldn't work out what he was saying.

Eddie had started to watch what he said around his son after hearing him one night repeat 'he ran into the fucking fire' followed by a loud giggle. It was surprising what Chris could hear and remember.

"Someone's happy,"

"He won't be sleeping tonight," Eddie reached down for (Y/n)'s hand that was on his thigh and raised the back of her hand to his lips. They knew this would be a possibility when they decided on a day trip out but it was worth it to have Chris so happy and elated like this.

"Yeah but we already knew that."

The next scream that Chris let out, (Y/n) and Eddie joined in too; but for a completely different reason.

***

Something burned in Chimney's stomach and ignited deep in his chest, causing his steps to falter when he got closer to the crash site. He could feel his breaths getting clogged up in his throat and the med bag on his shoulder started to slip when his shoulders sagged down and his feet went from running to a floppy shuffle.

He knew that truck, he had seen it hundreds of times in the car park behind the station.

He moved his hand to grab the med bag that was almost falling to the floor and he picked his feet up. Shuffling awkwardly through the mess of cars that had slammed on their brakes and spun to a stop to avoid the pile up in front of them.

"Oh fuck," Tears were already welling up in his eyes without seeing the damage or commotion that was happening inside the truck.

That was Eddie's truck.

There wasn't a lot of space around the truck, it was banged up pretty good. The passenger side was slammed up into the concrete barrier separating both sides of the motorway and there was another car wedged up at the back of the driver's side. There was only a small angle of room where Chimney would be able to open the driver's door and try to get in and help. They couldn't even pull the truck forward because another car was rammed into the engine that was smoking and making a clicking, whirling noise that didn't sound good.

He dropped the bag to the floor and yanked on the door handle until it swung open and slammed into the empty car next to it. There was just enough space for Chimney to climb up onto the small step and lean inside the truck to see what was going on.

He didn't like what he saw.

Eddie was in the driver's seat, slumped forward onto the steering wheel with his left arm bent around the wheel and his right arm stretched out towards the passenger seat.

Reaching down, Chimney pressed a finger to his neck, relieved to feel a strong pulse and hear his deep breaths.

"Alright Eddie, help's here." He pushed himself higher on the step to try and see over Eddie's back towards the passenger seat. "(Y/n), can you hear me?" A groan from Eddie was the only response he got.

He could barely see (Y/n), she was slumped against the door, her hair fanned across her face hiding her from sight but Chimney could see glass littering her body. The window had broken as had the windscreen. She was slightly hunched over and if the seatbelt wasn't bound around her, Chimney could see she would have fallen down into the footwell.

"Christopher? Hey, you with me?"

Chris wasn't responsive either. He had his glasses slung around his neck, his chin pressed down into his chest with his head slumped forward and his arms crossed loosely over his chest and a teddy slumped between his legs.

Oh dear.

"Attention, I need a lot of backup over the East side of the pile up to the black Ford truck. Guys, it's Eddie. Repeat, Eddie and family are trapped unresponsive in the truck. Bring the saw."

He would need a lot of help getting all three of them out of here and he needed the metal saw or cutters or something like the winch to get enough room to get them all out. If they had spinal injuries, they might have to hoist them through the windscreen.

When another groan left Eddie's lips, Chimney could have cried in happiness, it would be more helpful to have Eddie awake and able to tell them what hurt and see if he had internal damage. But if he was awake and his family wasn't, it was also going to make the situation a lot harder for everyone.

"Eddie, it's Chim. Take it easy, I'm gonna ease you back and check you over, the team's all here to get you out."

He braced his hand on Eddie's chest and held the back of his neck before he slowly helped him sit back up in his seat. It would be easier to assess and talk to him if he was upright instead of slumped over like that.

Eddie started to blink and he twitched his head away when he felt unfamiliar hands on his neck trying to assess whether he had any spinal damage or nerve damage. He didn't. He could feel his legs, he could wiggle his toes in his shoes if he wanted to and every part of his body was on fire but he was waking up and that was good. His vision blurred for a while and he jerked his arm when he felt Chimney pressing on his chest that felt like it was tight and aching.

"Can you move your toes for me Eddie?"

"Yeah," It hurt like Hell, but he tapped his feet up and down against the pedals as he felt Chimney turn the engine off for safety.

"Eddie!"

"W-where the fuck am I?" He shook his head but it only made the unbalanced feeling get worse and turned the world on its axis. He could hear Buck calling out for him over the dull ringing in his ears.

"You're in the car, you've had a collision but we're gonna get you out, just hang tight." Chimney patted his shoulder before he jumped down and leaned over to talk to Bobby. "I can't get to (Y/n), she's unresponsive and Chris doesn't look too bad but he's unconscious in the back. Eddie's waking up,"

"Alright, Hen break the back window and get Chris checked out. Buck switch with Chim to get Eddie out and Chim, you and me will get on the engine and check (Y/n) through the windscreen. Go."

The truck was rammed in at all angles, the only way to get in the back would be to break the boot window and climb over to get Chris checked over. If he had no spinal or nerve injuries it would be a lot easier to get him out they could break the back window and ease him through that way. Eddie could get through the small opening in his door and wait near an ambulance if they could get him that far.

And for (Y/n), they were going to have to climb onto the truck and go through the already broken windscreen.

As soon as Eddie's horrendous roar emmited through their ears, Chimney moved and Buck hopped between the cars to get to the door and see what was going on.

"Eddie, hey it's Buck it's me! Let's get you out of here and I can help (Y/n), come on-"

"No!"

"Eddie I have to-"

"I can't- I c- Fuck!" Tears spilled down Eddie's face and he slammed his head back into the headrest and pummeled his left fist into the dashboard beside the steering wheel. He let his aching head flop to the right to look at his wife but when he heard the engine groaning from the team climbing up, his eyes shot up to look at Bobby. "Don't touch her!" His elbow flew into Buck to get him off before he reached up and held his arm out towards them.

"We need to check her over-"

"We're stuck!"

"Cap, they um… they're joined." Chimney crouched on his hands and knees as he leaned his head through the windscreen, being careful of the broken glass but he could see why Eddie was suddenly panicking.

In the struggle, Eddie had reached his arm out to try and help pin (Y/n) back in her seat so she didn't get whiplash or fly onto the dashboard. When metal chunks went flying through the windscreen, a long, thin shard of metal punctured through the middle of Eddie's hand and went into (Y/n)'s lower chest. They were pierced together, the team couldn't move Eddie without moving (Y/n) at the same time.

They were pinned.

"I'm gonna take a look I won't move either of you, okay?"

Chimney leaned his chest onto the dashboard and laid down so he could reach them easier.

The first thing he had to do was check (Y/n)'s pulse and her breathing. She had a pulse, her heartbeat was fluctuating and uneven but it was there and that was all he needed right now. He could see her chest rising and falling beneath Eddie's hand that was splayed out on her chest. Chimney kept his hands steady and firm and stretched his arms out towards them.

His hands patted over (Y/n)'s neck, shoulders and then down towards her legs before he moved back up to her chest.

"She's got a few broken ribs," He couldn't hide the grimace from his face when he pressed around (Y/n)'s hips and her torso. "I think her pelvis is broken. The metal is below her heart which is good, it might have pierced her stomach though. We have to move quick."

He couldn't add pressure to the wound and he couldn't cut off her blood supply because of where the wound was. (Y/n) needed circulation to the rest of her body, there was no way to cut off her blood supply to stem the bleeding like there would be if the metal was in her arm or her leg.

"W-what about Chris?"

"Hen how's Chris doing?" Bobby rested his hands on his knees and peered through to try and see Hen who was now sat in the back of the car next to Chris.

"Fractured arm, possible concussion but some glass had cut open an artery in his leg. I'm gonna have to do a stent and tie off his leg before we get him out."

"Oh God," Eddie tipped his head back and smothered his mouth with his hand to stop himself from screaming. He kept his palm pressed tightly to his mouth, morphing the Spanish prayer his mother used to use in times of crisis because if there were such things as miracles, Eddie sure as Hell needed one right now.

He darted his eyes back over to (Y/n) the moment he felt Chimney touching his impaled hand which flinched and twitched in response.

"It's a clean cut, looks like it's missed the main bones. Eddie, I'm gonna have to pull your hand off of the metal and (Y/n). The metal has to stay in her to stem the bleeding but we can pack and bandage your hand for the ambulance journey."

"Do it."

"I'll get you a shot of-"

"Just rip it off, we don't have time to fuck about. Get my wife out of here,"

He wasn't bothered about a shot of morphine which Eddie knew from experience would do very little to take the edge off. The most it would do was make him feel limp and lethargic and he couldn't afford to be anything other than awake and alert. He had to be with his family and keep watch over them. (Y/n) was the one who would need a shot of pain relief if she started to wake up from this.

Eddie wanted her in the ambulance as quick as they could manage.

"Alright, here we go." Chimney carefully strapped a neck brace around (Y/n) and tilted her head back before he rummaged around in his med bag Bobby handed over to him.

Eddie watched with pained eyes as Chimney cut a strip up the middle of (Y/n)'s top and ripped it away from the metal punctured through them both. A clean view was needed to pull Eddie's hand away and try to keep the metal as still within (Y/n) as possible so she didn't get any internal damage. His left hand curled around the steering wheel and he hissed through his teeth when he felt saline and a solution being squirted all around his hand and over (Y/n)'s chest and stomach.

"Keep your arm still and let me move your hand,"

He didn't need telling twice but he wished he had something to bite down on just in case either (Y/n) or Chris could still hear what was going on. He hated to scream in front of them but the pain was burning and it dragged out because Chimney had to move slow. At least when Eddie had been shot at, it had been quick and countered out by adrenaline.

Carefully and slowly, Chimney pulled Eddie's hand up until it squelched off the metal and was finally free. He handed Eddie's hand over to Bobby who washed it down in more solution before packing gauze to either side and wrapping a bandage tightly round to keep the pressure.

"Eddie we need you out so we can get a back board in there and move her."

"No, no I'll get her out with you," He flung his belt off to the side and shifted round in his seat, muffling a groan when he felt his knee twist and spasm. It was either dislocated or broken and Eddie hoped for the first.

He could do this. He was awake, alert and no longer punctured into his wife, he could get her out of here and he could help Hen get Christopher out if she needed assistance with that. He wasn't standing by like some idiot who didn't know what he was doing. He was part of this team and this was his job, they did this every day, it wasn't that much different. Eddie was just sitting on the other side of the line this time.

A silent look passed between Bobby and Buck and with a nod of his head, Bobby gave the order.

Eddie couldn't help with this. He was hurt, in pain and he was concussed, not to mention this was his family and he wasn't on shift. They wouldn't be liable if (Y/n) got injured during the process of getting her out and it was found out that Eddie helped get her out.

He was too close.

"Wh- no! Get off me! Let me GO!"

Scream after scream flew past Eddie's lips and he flung his arms out to grab the door frame when Buck held him under his arms and started to tug him out of the truck. He had to get out, they had to be quick and get (Y/n) and Chris out of there and Eddie couldn't help.

Buck held his breath, tensed his arms and pulled until his closest friend was out of the truck and his legs flopped beneath him to the floor like a rag doll. He didn't give Eddie the chance to try and scramble back into the car, he shuffled backwards and hoisted him along, kicking, screaming and elbowing him to get back in the truck.

Reaching behind him, Eddie dug his nails sharply into the back of Buck's neck and roared, pulling his head down with a jerk to try and get him to let go but it didn't work. Buck let him go and flopped him down onto unsteady feet before he moved round and stood in front of him like a boulder.

"Traitor!" Eddie slammed his fist down on Buck's shoulder but it didn't make that much of an impact and all Buck did was frown and look like he was about to cry. He was put in an awkward position and all he wanted to do was help but he couldn't let Eddie get involved in this. "T-they're my family, if they… I need to be with them,"

When Eddie slumped forward and pressed his forehead into Buck's chest, Buck wrapped his arms around him and held him up.

"I know, I know."

With Eddie out the truck it was easier to get in and get ready to move (Y/n). Bobby got the backboard while Chimney undid her belt and they both eased her up onto the board as slowly as they could so they didn't move the metal too much and rupture something. Once she was strapped on, Chimney pushed the board up through the windshield and climbed out with her.

"Go follow (Y/n) to the ambulance and I'll help get Chris out," Buck gave Eddie a nudge towards his wife before he headed over to the back door that was jammed up against another car. He noticed Hen had managed to roll the window down after she got Chris stabalised. "Pass him through and I'll carry him."

"Easy, do not move or jostle his leg or the stint won't hold,"

Chris was slowly passed between them and Hen held tight hold of his legs and helped shift him round until he was laid over Buck's arms. And just before he turned to run towards the ambulance, Hen leaned over and placed his penguin teddy on his chest.

"He'll be needing this."

***

"How are we doin' in here?" Bobby peered his head around the door and took a tentative step inside but what he saw melted his heart.

He noticed Buck first. He was sat in the plastic chair on the left side of the bed, his legs propped up and crossed on the bed and his body slouched back in the seat. His chin was resting on his hand and he was fast asleep, still in his uniform with his blazer slugged over the back of the chair.

On the floor by Buck's feet, was Chimney, sprawled out asleep with his arms folded over his chest and his head leaning on Buck's leg.

On the other side of the bed, sat Eddie. He was in a dark blue reclining armchair that had the bottom propped up so Eddie could stretch his legs out. His jeans were cut around the middle of his thigh on his left leg and his knee which was dark purple and swollen, was fitted in a brace. It had dislocated during the crash and putting it back in place had almost felt as bad as the cut in his hand.

His right hand had been stitched up and wrapped in a thick clean bandage that went down over his wrist for safety.

He had taken his shirt off in the emergency room so they could check him over and send him for an X-ray which they had also done on his hand and found only one little break in his hand. And now he was sat in just his jeans with a tight bandage wrapped around his lower chest since he had broken two ribs and fractured a third.

Despite the ache that was pulsing through every part of his body, Eddie was still sat in the chair with his son curled up in his arms.

They had put Chris under a mild sedation to fix his leg and bandage it up so he couldn't scratch or pull at his stitches and they had set his arm back in place and put it in a cast from his wrist to his elbow. But when he woke up, no one had been able to stop Eddie from picking him up and walking up and down the room with him like he was a newborn again. He swayed him in his arms, whispered and sang to him to calm him down and as soon as (Y/n) was out of surgery, they went to her room and refused to move.

The metal had successfully been removed and her stomach had been stitched up. Her pelvis was slotted back in place and bound tight just like her chest for her broken ribs and stitches.

She wasn't awake yet, but they weren't expecting her to be after the sedation she had been put under.

When Buck and Chimney found out that she had been moved into a room, they used their uniforms to get past the nurses and hid in her room with Eddie and Chris. And subsequently fell asleep.

"I think we're okay," Eddie waved Bobby inside before he rubbed at his tired eyes and tightened his arms around Chris who was sound asleep on his chest, cuddled up with his penguin. The weight was more comforting than aching and uncomfortable, Eddie would take any amount of pain if it meant his son was comforted and close to his chest.

He couldn't come close to losing either of them again.

"I'm glad to hear it, Hen's on her way down to pop by and see you."

"Cap?"

"Yeah?"

Eddie didn't know what he would have done if the team hadn't reached them so quickly or if they hadn't all have thought on their feet and got him and his family out of there. They didn't let their closeness cloud their judgements, they got everyone safe and got them out and did what was best.

"Thank you,"

[lover-of-mine]

Sometimes I'm like "I'm overthinking buddie, it's not that deep" but then I do stuff like the buddie through the season collection of sets, or someone makes a post with stuff that happened to them all written down and I'm just "if they're not aware they are writing a love story, someone on that writers room needs to reevaluate their lives because if they think that's platonic I got some news" because it's ridiculous. To an insane degree.

Buck went from snappy and "what do we need him for" to literally following Eddie around like a lost puppy and all it took was 1 (one) complement. Buck cleared for Chris to be at the firehouse before it occurred to Eddie to do so and then offered Eddie the solution to his problems like it was absolutely nothing. Eddie denied Chris' literal mother, his honest to God wife, from seeing their kid and then he took Buck with them to see Santa, and that's 10 episodes in, 9 if you consider the fact that Hen begins happens in the middle there and neither one of them are on it. Buck gets crushed by the truck and Eddie, a firefighter who could've left Buck on Hen's very capable hands and help lift the truck, stayed on Buck's side holding his hand. Eddie looked Buck in the eye and said "there's nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you" while Buck actively spirals about losing Chris in a tsunami that he took the blame for after he looked his wife in the eye and said "I can forgive you, I'm not sure I can trust you" when it comes to their son. Eddie picked a fight with Buck in the middle of a grocery store because Buck made it illegal for them to talk. Eddie folded like a paper plan because Buck said sorry and smiled at him. Buck literally clawed at the dirt ready to dig until he found Eddie by hand when the well collapsed. And half of Eddie's I need to keep fighting montage contains Buck. Eddie is ready to let a guy die because he's engaged to Buck's ex and Buck is being reckless about it. Eddie made a decision to not have videogames on in the house, Chris instantly turned to Buck in a full I will ask my other parent moment, and Eddie didn't interfere because he knew Buck wouldn't undermine him. Buck went to the hospital after a fire and Eddie waited by the door so that Buck would have a warning about his parents waiting for him. Chris runs away from home straight into Buck's, Eddie relaxes completely when he realizes Chris is with Buck, and it is actually implied that Eddie called Buck first over the outburst, because Eddie is talking to his girlfriend about it when Chris runs, but Buck already knows about it when Chris gets there. Eddie actively pouts over the fact that Buck teamed up with Taylor even though he has a girlfriend. Buck rolls under a truck even though he got crushed by one to get to Eddie when he got shot. Buck takes on the responsibility of taking care of Chris by his own will. Eddie put Buck down as Chris' guardian on his will not 2 years into knowing him and only told him to dare him to live. They are wistfully staring at each other while talking about Eddie meeting his girlfriend's family. Eddie needs Buck's permission to break up with his girlfriend. Buck runs towards gunfire because he thinks Eddie might be in danger. Eddie snaps, and Chris, a kid being raised by first responders, calls Buck not 911. Buck actually manages to talk Eddie down from the metaphorical ledge he's in. Buck is all heart eyes to Eddie while his girlfriend talks to the girl he cheated on her with. Eddie and Chris are playing games in Buck's kitchen while Buck cooks them dinner. Eddie is screaming in a way we never saw him scream before because Buck is hurt. Eddie is following after a team of doctors wheeling Buck away and actually screaming at them to do more than their best even though he is a first responder and was a combat medic and knows they always do their best. Eddie can't look at Buck while he's in the coma. Buck is uncomfortable at his own place, drives over to Eddie's and instantly falls asleep. Chris is doing his homework on Buck's kitchen. Eddie is talking Buck out to play poker and Buck is sharing his winnings with Eddie like it's a given. Buck is baking cookies with Chris for him to take to school at his loft with Eddie nowhere to be found, while discussing the dinner he won for the 3 of them. Eddie, who later refused pain meds and that he was even hurt, was ready to lean on Buck when he got him out of the truck.

This all happened. On the screen. No exaggeration. No different interpretation. It happened. And this is not all of it. And I'm supposed to sit here and just think they are the bestest of best friends??? Platonic buddies??? Straight bros??? Oh, come on, be fucking for real.

[itsactuallycorrine]

action & reaction

buddie; 1.6K; s08e06 spec; hopeful ending

series now complete: part 1 | part 2

Buck sits uneasily on top of the closed toilet lid, watching as a still red-cheeked and bloodshot-eyed Eddie scrapes a razor along his top lip. 

He hadn’t been certain what he’d do or say when he beelined from his loft to Eddie’s door after his revelation. There’d been a half-formed thought of talking it out, or making some big confession, a vague recollection of a line from some old movie Maddie had loved ringing in his ears about wanting to start the rest of your life as soon as possible. 

Finding Eddie in pieces on his living room floor had thrown all that out.

So had Eddie’s first words when he’d finally calmed down enough to speak:

“I want to shave this fucking mustache off.”

So now, here they are, Buck worried out of his mind and too afraid to take his sights off Eddie, while Eddie shaves his fucking mustache off.

When it’s gone, Eddie stares at himself long and hard in the mirror before cutting a glance at Buck. “So?”

Buck surveys his face and smiles a little. “Still just as handsome,” he teases, smile growing as Eddie rolls his eyes and huffs, pink blooming in the apples of his cheeks. “C’mon, man, you know what you look like. Mustache, no mustache. It doesn’t really make a difference.”

It doesn’t land the way Buck anticipated. “Yeah, I guess not,” Eddie says heavily, turning back to his own reflection. “I thought it’d—never mind, it’s stupid.”

“No, what?” Buck asks. 

“I thought it’d be easier to, you know.” He gestures to the mirror. “If I didn’t really look like myself. I could pretend for a while that I wasn’t—that it wasn’t really me this was happening to. It was happening to some other Eddie in some other fucked up timeline or universe or whatever.”

It breaks Buck’s heart even more than he’d thought possible. “Eddie…”

But Eddie shrugs it off, turning his back to the mirror and crossing his arms. “But it is me. There is no mirror Eddie to blame. I did this. I cheated on Marisol, I brought Kim into our life, I…” His voice breaks. “I drove Christopher away. I did it. But” — he sighs, runs a hand through his hair — “I didn’t do it all alone.”

For the first time in months, a spark of hope kindles in Buck’s chest. “No, you didn’t. Kim chose to come back even after you broke it off. Your parents swept Chris away without even attempting to mediate.” He hesitates. “Christopher chose to leave instead of talking it out.”

“Shannon asked for a divorce when I wanted to fix things,” Eddie adds grimly, and Buck sucks in a shocked breath.

“Y-you never told me that. When?”

“Right before she died. She, uh, thought she might be pregnant and I thought that maybe…maybe it was the sign we needed to recommit to each other. But it turns out both of us were wrong—there was no baby, and she didn’t want that, want me.” Eddie shrugs, but it falls short of casual when his shoulders slump forward miserably.

Buck stares as his head spins. He’d always wondered, hadn’t he? He’d always wondered why Eddie kept coming back to this, to Shannon, couldn’t move on no matter how hard he’d tried. Obviously, Eddie had loved Shannon, but the way he spoke about her, the way he put her on this untouchable pedestal for Christopher, who already knew his mother wasn’t perfect, the way he viewed their relationship with rose-colored glasses when Buck knew how messy it had been…it had always concerned Buck. 

But this, this was the ugly, gnarled root of the problem, one that had grown up around Eddie’s ankles, holding him in place, never letting him move on. It ensnared him, kept him caught in the moment, an awful, terrible moment with no closure. Because instead of a divorce and a definitive closed door to their marriage or a reconciliation and fresh start, Eddie watched Shannon die. The diverging path cut short right at the crossroads, the choice taken out of Eddie’s hands. 

“She said that? That she didn’t want you?” Buck asks. Even without his recent epiphany, the idea seems ludicrous. After all, who wouldn’t want Eddie? 

“Well, no,” Eddie admits. “She said she was still figuring out how to be a mother and didn’t think she was ready to be a wife, too.” 

“Okay. Well, w-were you ready to be a husband? Honestly?”

“Would I have offered if I wasn’t?” At Buck’s unimpressed stare, Eddie sighs. “I don’t know. Maybe. Probably not.” 

Buck hums. “So it seems like maybe her decision wasn’t really about you at all, then. You just had to deal with the fallout, along with some truly shitty, tragic timing.”

Eddie says with a half-amused huff, “To put it mildly.” 

“It wasn’t your fault, Eddie,” Buck says, softly. “You made mistakes, yeah, but it wasn’t all on you. You’ve gotta stop punishing yourself, man. You’re not just hurting yourself; you’re hurting Christopher.”

Eyes welling, Eddie looks at the floor and nods. “I know. And I think—I think I’m really ready to let go of it now. I am. But, God, I just… how do I move forward, Buck? I’ve been here so long that I don’t know where to go from here. How to start cleaning up my mess, to start fixing the things I let this break. How to live without this looming over me.” 

With a long, slow exhale, Buck climbs to his feet and takes Eddie by the arms, waiting until their gazes lock. “I don’t have the answers either, but we can figure it out. Together.”

A sole tear rolls down Eddie’s cheek as it swells with a shaky smile. “I can’t ask that of you.”

“You’re not asking. I’m telling you—I’m here. I’m always gonna be here for you, Eddie, as long as you let me. Always. You don’t have to figure this or anything out alone.”

Eddie just nods as a few more tears spill over. He pulls Buck into a brief, grateful hug, and Buck closes his eyes and savors it. They do this so infrequently, and he’s never understood why. Eddie’s a pretty demonstrative guy, and neither of them are shy about hugging anyone else. But it feels different when it’s them, more weighted, more meaningful—and maybe that’s why. Maybe, subconsciously, Buck knew what it meant all along and held back. 

And maybe along the way, Eddie realized it, too, and didn’t want to encourage Buck or lead him on. Buck pulls back a little uneasily as the embrace breaks, but there’s nothing in Eddie’s expression beyond lingering tears and gratitude. 

They’ve finally made their way into the kitchen, sharing coffee across the table, when Eddie cocks his head. “Did you just drop by to check on me? Or did you need something before I distracted you with all the—” He waves in the general direction of the living room, a little sheepish. 

I love you.

I’m in love with you, and I think we’ve been building a really beautiful life together. 

This, us, our family, is all I’ve ever dreamt of, and if you’d just give me one chance…

Is there any reality in which you could be in love with me, too? Could want me, too? 

But he can’t say any of it, can he? He can’t do that to Eddie now, not when he’s finally ready to shed the past and move forward, not while so many loose ends are still waiting to be resolved. 

“Nah,” Buck says, hiding his farce of a smile by taking a drink. “I guess that call at the well got to me a little and I just…wanted to see you, make sure you were okay.” 

“Okay might be a stretch.” Eddie laughs and gives Buck a soft smile. “But I’ll get there.”

“I know you will.” Buck’s lashes lower as he smiles, a little shyly, and something rolls over in Eddie’s chest, a familiar fondness trussed in ribbons of longing. 

And, look, it’s never really gone away—that tug of yearning he has for Buck, one he’s known for years—but it has been somewhat muted over the past few months while Eddie had more pressing concerns. It used to terrify him, loving Buck the way he does, because he could never reconcile it with the past, with his own identity. 

It still terrifies him, if he’s being honest, because once he digs himself out of the hole he’s created, he’s going to have to reckon with this once and for all, the looming specter over his shoulder that he’s avoided looking at for over three decades. 

He’d been able to cope when he’d thought it was just a pipe dream, when there was no way—even if Eddie did face all his demons head on—Buck would ever feel the same. But then Tommy had come along and fractured that foundational belief, and was it any wonder that Eddie had blown up his own life right after that? 

But here in the aftermath of an emotional day, in the quiet intimacy of the kitchen, it doesn’t seem nearly as scary. Not when Buck’s face is a pretty pink over the rim of his coffee cup, his heart stalwart and steadfast and too damn generous. He hasn’t run from Eddie’s mess, not ever, and he’s just promised to stand by Eddie’s side as he pieces his life back together. How could Eddie do anything but love Buck? 

And for the first time, that feels like more of a blessing than a curse. It’s the light at the end of a very dark tunnel, leading him home, with the hope and faith that Buck will be there waiting for him when he arrives. 

ao3

[wikiangela]

me, you, our kid and a dog

the dog fic is finally here! fluff, getting together, first kiss, reluctant dog dad Eddie, all three of them being adorable lol ❤️

words: 4.7k

[read on Ao3]

“You’re getting a dog?” Hen asks, piecing together the few sentences she’s heard. “As in… together? “Yeah.” Buck grins, opening his own locker as well “We’re not getting a dog. “But Eddie!” Buck almost whines, and, god, Eddie would give him anything he asked for, but he’s also stubborn, and he decided something already, he can’t just go back. Besides, does he really want to be stuck taking care of a pet on a rare occasion Buck’s at his loft? “Uh, you don’t even live together.” Hen notices, confused, a frown on her face. “Or have we missed something?” she and Chim exchange a look that Eddie doesn’t wanna look into. He’s already pretty sure he’s wearing his heart on his sleeve, and everyone knows how he feels, he doesn’t need confirmation. “No, but it just makes sense.”

______

It starts as a random remark on a sunny Sunday afternoon when the three of them are at the park. They’re just taking a walk, with the goal of getting ice-cream from the best ice-cream place in the city, according to both Buck and Chris – which is just an ice-cream stand in the middle of the park. 

There’s a lot of people around, strolling and talking just like them, or having picnics, or walking their dogs… and that last thing is what starts a conversation.

Because a big dog runs up to Buck – Eddie’s not even surprised at how every single breathing creature, human or otherwise, is just enamored with Buck, he’s used to it – and he stops to pet it with the brightest smile. Meanwhile, the owner, a young girl probably in her early twenties, catches up and apologizes profusely, saying that the dog tugged the leash out of her hand, and assures that it’s friendly and it’s safe to pet her – which is what Buck’s already doing, anyway.

“Hey, pretty.” he coos, crouching down, both hands petting the dog’s head, while it pants happily, tongue out. 

“Can I pet her, too?” Christopher asks, giving Eddie the most adorable pleading expression, and Eddie just can’t say no. 

“Of course. Just be careful.” Eddie says and watches as Chris walks closer to Buck, who holds one of his crutches to prevent it from falling, when Christopher hurries to pet the dog with the brightest smile. This close, the dog is almost at his height, and Eddie gets a little anxious, but doesn’t let his overprotectiveness take over. Buck’s right there, there’s nothing to worry about.

“She’s so soft.” Chris comments, and the dog licks his face, making him giggle.

They stand there for a long minute, before Eddie apologizes to the girl for keeping her there, and she laughs and says it’s okay. Chris tells the dog it was nice to meet her, and gazes after her wistfully, when the girl finally walks away.

“You really shouldn’t pet strangers’ dogs.” Eddie mutters to Buck once the girl is out of earshot.

“She said it’s fine.” Buck whispers back.

“Not before you already pet it.” Eddie gives him a look. “Just saying, you should be more careful.”

“Next time I will.” he rolls his eyes, as they start walking towards the ice-cream stand again, conversation picking up where they left off.

“I wish we had a dog.” Christopher says suddenly, interrupting Buck mid-sentence, and it surprises Eddie a bit. He’s never mentioned it before, and Eddie’s never thought about a pet, and he doesn’t know how to discourage him from that, or how to say no without breaking his son’s heart. Because there’s no way they’re getting a dog.

“Man, I always wanted a dog growing up.” Buck says wistfully, and, well, now Eddie’s screwed. “My parents never agreed, though.”

“We should get a dog together.” Christopher says, looking at Buck with a wide smile, and Eddie has to step in before they start planning and saying no will become even more heartbreaking.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Dad! Why?” Chris pouts and stops to look at Eddie with those eyes that make any ‘no’ almost impossible to pass his lips.

“Yeah, dad, why?” Buck joins in, and his pout is almost equally irresistible. Eddie is not in the strongest position here. If he wasn’t absolutely convinced of his decision already, he’d fold immediately. And he feels like if they keep talking about this, they might just change his mind. He won’t have this.

“I promise I’ll walk him and feed him, and Buck will help!” Chris says, now stopping and turning towards Eddie.

“Eddie, come on.” Buck shoves his arm lightly.

“You guys are serious? You actually want a dog?” Eddie looks between them, and they nod, matching pouts on their faces. Shit, he’s not gonna fall for it. “No.”

“But-”

“No.” he repeats firmly, his heart breaking a little at his son’s defeated expression. “We all know that you will take care of it for a minute, and then it’ll fall on me, at least when Buck’s not home.” he adds quietly, not missing how he accidentally made it sound like Buck’s living with them, realizing that he’d love that more than anything, but choosing to ignore this for now, because he doesn’t have time for an am-I-in-love-with-my-best-friend freak out again (they happen more frequently than he’d like to admit lately, and he thinks he has the answer already anyway). “Or probably on Carla when we’re at work.” he continues. “And she’s not getting paid to take care of a dog.”

“There’s dog sitters.” Buck murmurs, and Eddie shoots him a look. They’re not made of money, for god’s sake. But then he sees tears in Chris’ eyes, and almost relents. Almost.

“Listen, it’s a no for right now, alright? But let’s revisit this conversation when you’re a little older?” Eddie asks, and Chris immediately lights up.

“How old?” he asks, and Eddie shares a look with Buck. Then, he looks back at his ten-year-old, and answers:

“Thirteen.” because it seems like a reasonable age where he’ll be able to actually take care of a pet, and also, a lot can happen in three years, maybe he’d want a different, more low-maintenance pet. Eddie could do a goldfish, for example.

“Fine.” Christopher relents, and looks at Buck. “We can wait three years.”

“Yeah.” Buck responds, a soft and surprised smile on his face. Like he still doesn’t believe they want him in their lives permanently, and he’s not expecting them to make such long-term plans involving him. “We sure can.”

“Just, we’re clear that we’ll have the conversation then, right? Not that we’re actually getting a dog?” Eddie adds, not wanting them to get too excited. He knows Buck could just get a dog on his own, it’s not like he lives with them (sadly), though as far as Eddie remembers, pets aren’t allowed in his building. But even if he could, Eddie’s pretty sure they’d still make this decision together. He doesn’t know exactly when it happened, but their lives became so intertwined it should be scary. It’s not, though. Buck is his partner, at and outside of work. In almost all the ways Eddie wants him to be.

“Sure.” Buck says dismissively, with a chuckle, like he knows they already won. Eddie really doesn’t like when they team up against him, because that’s usually how it ends, with them winning. They’re his two biggest weaknesses, they have an advantage separately, and together? Eddie’s surprised he managed to say no right now. 

Then they continue their walk, Chris a little bit in front of them, starting a new topic, now wondering what ice-cream flavor he should get, while Buck throws his arm around Eddie’s shoulder, and Eddie feels like his whole body is burning. To anyone else they must look like a family, a couple and their kid. Eddie hates how comfortable he is with that, and how much he’d actually want that to be true. Maybe he’s coming to terms with his feelings for Buck, because now, thinking about wanting to hold his hand and kiss him, and spend the rest of their lives arguing about getting a dog while living together – it doesn’t make him freak out or panic. He feels settled. He’s smiling, and he’s content, and he wants countless more afternoons like this with his boys.

But for now, the dog conversation is over, for at least three years.

Or so Eddie thinks. And, boy, is he wrong.

Because from then on, the topic of dogs and pets is being brought up constantly over the next couple of weeks. 

Mostly small mentions, Buck and Christopher talking about the kind of dog they want – a breed wasn’t specified yet, but definitely a big one, which prompts Eddie to wonder how Chris wants to walk it without the dog pulling on the leash and tripping him. Not that there’s gonna be any dog, that’s not happening.

And then, after a few days, the conversation extends to outside of home, when Buck drives them to work – because he stayed over, like he does pretty frequently, sharing the bed with Eddie because he’s not gonna sleep on the couch – they’re best friends, it’s normal. Or so Eddie’s trying to convince himself to avoid freaking out.

The whole drive over, Buck’s trying to convince Eddie to change his mind, and is still talking about it as they’re walking into the locker room, where Hen and Chimney already are.

“-and you have a backyard, which is just perfect-” Buck continues, not even bothering to say hi to their friends.

“It’s not big.” Eddie points out, opening his locker.

“But it’s enough! And we can build a doghouse together, that’d be so much fun!” he says excitedly, and when Eddie looks at him and sees his sparkling eyes and that smile, he almost gives in. “And I’ll take care of it all the time, too, you know I will.”

“Buck.” Eddie tries to be stern and wants to shut it down for now. They’re at work.

“You’re getting a dog?” Hen asks, piecing together the few sentences she’s heard. “As in… together?”

“Yeah.” Buck grins, opening his own locker as well.

“We’re not getting a dog.”

“But Eddie!” Buck almost whines, and, god, Eddie would give him anything he asked for, but he’s also stubborn, and he decided something already, he can’t just go back. Besides, does he really want to be stuck taking care of a pet on a rare occasion Buck’s at his loft?

“Uh, you don’t even live together.” Hen notices, confused, a frown on her face. “Or have we missed something?” she and Chim exchange a look that Eddie doesn’t wanna look into. He’s already pretty sure he’s wearing his heart on his sleeve, and everyone knows how he feels, he doesn’t need confirmation.

“No, but it just makes sense.” Buck shrugs, taking off his t-shirt in one smooth motion, and Eddie pointedly does not look (he sees him out of the corner of his eye anyway, he can’t help it, peripheral vision exists, okay?). He doesn’t look until Buck puts his LAFD shirt on, and he’s safe to turn to him without the danger of blushing or his eyes lingering where they shouldn’t. He kind of hates realizing he’s attracted to his best friend, because it’s making things weird, at least in his head.

“How does it make sense exactly?” Chimney asks, something smug in his voice.

“It just does.” Buck says dismissively, and Eddie wonders if he’s as confused as Eddie as to what has been happening lately between them. “And Christopher wants nothing more than to get a dog. He said he doesn’t want any presents for his birthday or for Christmas, just a dog.” he adds, and Eddie’s heart breaks a little. Has he said that? Not to Eddie. But if he did… They’re so gonna break Eddie sooner or later. But, again, he’s stubborn (which is probably where Chris gets it from, honestly).

“We’re not getting a dog.” he repeats for what feels like a thousandth time. It’s like a new catchphrase, and he doesn’t like it.

“But Eddie.” Buck pouts, and Eddie tries, really tries, but is aware he’s doing a poor job at that, to conceal a fond smile. Buck is just so adorable, and Eddie is- well, he’s maybe-possibly-probably in love with him. But they’re at work, and their friends are listening, and he doesn’t need the input, and doesn’t need them to know how much closer he and Buck are than they realize – though it might be too late for that, to be honest.

“Let’s talk at home?” he finally sighs, and Buck grins triumphantly. And Eddie knows he’s gonna give in sooner or later.

Especially since, once he gets home, Chris and Buck join forces once again, and Eddie can only hold out on his own for so long. With even his partner against him, there’s not much he can do. His son has websites of some local shelters open on his laptop, as well as a whole PowerPoint presentation about why it’s a great idea to get a dog. Eddie doesn’t know when Buck and Chris made it, but they did, and now they sit Eddie down in the living room and make their case. 

And, well, obviously, Eddie’s heart is not made of stone. He sees the two most important people in his life be so passionate and excited about this, they already set their hearts on getting a dog, and Eddie’s been refusing long enough.

Once the presentation is over, he stands up from the couch, while his boys look at him expectantly and with so much hope, if he didn’t change his mind already, he would now.

“So? Can we get a dog?” Chris asks quietly. Eddie takes a deep breath.

“We need to set some rules first.” Eddie says, and cheers erupt. Before he can say anything more, he finds himself in a tight embrace by Buck and Chris, whom Buck lifted up into his arms, so they can both hug Eddie. They thank him, and are so happy, and Eddie knows he’s made a good decision.

He’s even more sure a minute later, when Buck, in all his joy and excitement, apparently forgets himself and kisses Eddie straight on the lips, just a sweet, chaste brush of lips, and when he realizes what he’s done, they both freeze. Meanwhile, Chris, still in Buck’s arms, has his arms around Eddie’s neck, and doesn't look at them. 

There’s fear in Buck’s eyes, and Eddie gets it, the fear over the possibility of ruining everything, he feels it every time he has the urge to do something dumb like kiss Buck. Which, well, happened. And Buck initiated it. So maybe nothing’s ruined, if Buck feels the same. Because why else would he kiss Eddie?

So, Eddie smiles, which quickly turns into a grin, and Buck looks relieved, and then he beams, when Eddie leans back in, capturing Buck’s lips in a short, soft, tender kiss. It feels like coming home, like everything is where it’s supposed to be. Somehow, Eddie thinks they’re on the same page, and they both know they’re on the same page. They will need to talk later, but for now, the silent communication and understanding they’ve always had is enough. 

“Ew.” they hear Chris groan, and they break the kiss with a laugh, both blushing. “At least put me down if you’re gonna make out.” he adds, and Eddie feels his cheeks get even warmer. He sees that Chris is smiling, though, and Eddie’s a little surprised, because it seems like he’s cool with him and Buck being… whatever they are now. Hopefully dating.

“Uh, here you go.” Buck mumbles, putting him back down, his face bright red. “So, a dog?” he asks, shyly looking at Eddie.

“When?” Chris immediately adds.

“Why don’t we drive down to the shelter tomorrow and have a look?” Eddie suggests. “But first, some rules.” he says sternly, not letting even Buck kissing him distract him, not completely, anyway. He can keep it together for a minute. “Every morning one of you walks it and feeds it. No dogs on the furniture, including the couch. It’ll get a bed in your room-” he points at Chris, who beams at him, “and that’s where it’ll sleep. It’s your responsibility.” he looks from Chris to Buck, they both nod. He’s also aware that most of any rules will get broken anyway, and that he’ll end up taking care of it, too, obviously, they all live under the same roof anyway. Well, not all… not yet. 

“Are we building a doghouse in the backyard?” Buck asks tentatively. 

“Dad, can we?” 

“Yes, of course we can.” Eddie smiles, because he already said yes, and he’s not sure he’d be able to say no to anything they both ask him right now. “But let’s get a dog first, and then we’ll worry about everything else, alright? We’ll get toys and bowls and all that tomorrow, too.” he adds, knowing that it’s another question from his son. And it’s just hitting him now that it’s happening. They’re getting a dog. What is he getting himself into… But first, there are more pressing issues. “Hey, why don’t you go call Carla and tell her, to prepare her for what she’ll have to deal with when she’s here next time, and I’ll just talk to Buck real quick?” Eddie adds, and Chris just nods, gives them both a knowing look, as if he was sure what it is they wanna talk about, and goes to his room.

Once they’re alone, Eddie looks at Buck, who’s looking everywhere but at Eddie. He’s nervous, as if he didn’t get enough confirmation already. Eddie grabs his hand and intertwines their fingers, and Buck’s wide eyes land on him.

“Relax.” Eddie chuckles. “I just felt like maybe we need to talk at least a little bit.”

“Yeah, uh, so that was-” he stops, as if not sure what to say next.

“Unexpected.” Eddie finishes for him, still smiling. “But very, very welcome.” he says just to reassure Buck that he’s not reading anything wrong (Eddie’s not sure how he could but, well, it’s Buck), and tugs at Buck’s hand to bring him closer. 

“Yeah?” his face lights up, and his eyes shine when they look into Eddie’s. 

“Yeah.” Eddie gets even closer, their faces inches apart, both their smiles widening, as Eddie links their lips again. But then he pulls away, because he did want to talk. Nothing goes according to plan today, but he’s not complaining. “I’m happy you kissed me, because I was starting to think I’d never be brave enough.” Eddie admits. “I was worried I’d ruin things if you didn’t feel the same.”

“Which is?” Buck raises an eyebrow, his smile turns teasing, and hopeful, and of course he already knows, but Eddie will gladly spell it out for him.

“I’m in love with you.” Eddie responds, looking into Buck’s eyes, and he feels so much lighter now that he said it. He’s been denying it, wondering, freaking out over it for so long, but now it comes as easy as breathing, and it just feels so right. “I think I have been for a long time. We’re a family already, but I want us to be a family in this sense, too.” he squeezes Buck’s hand, where he’s still holding it. “I love you so much, Buck.”

“I love you, too.” Buck’s smile is blinding. And Eddie can’t resist leaning in to kiss it. “I didn’t even think, it was so-”

“Normal?” Eddie finishes for him with a laugh. “Yeah. Like we’ve always done it.” Because that’s what it feels like when he kisses Buck right now. It’s amazing, yes, but there’s nothing really groundbreaking, it doesn’t feel new, even though it is, it’s the most natural thing in the world, kissing Buck, like Eddie’s been meant to do it. “And if you want, I’d love to do this for the rest of our lives.”

“Wow, that’s fast.” Buck jokes, kissing Eddie again. “We just kissed for the first time, slow down.”

“Uh, we’re getting a dog together.” Eddie pulls away further to give him a look, eyebrows raised. “And we’re co-parenting a kid together, have been for longer than either of us probably realize.” he adds, and sees Buck’s face melt at that. “We’re pretty far ahead already.”

“That’s true.” Buck chuckles. “I can’t believe this is happening.” he whispers, bringing his free hand up to Eddie’s cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you.” Eddie can’t resist a smile. He gets to say it now. He gets to kiss Buck, and hold his hand, and be with him. And maybe they started it a little backwards, but they’re them. They’ve been partners and co-parents for so long, and they know each other better than anyone else. So, Eddie doesn’t think anything would be too fast. Hell, they could get married tomorrow and he’s pretty sure no one would even bat an eye, it’d seem like the most natural thing. But maybe not just yet. Not that, at least, he’ll work up to it one day. However… “And, you know, parenting a kid together plus taking care of a dog together will be just so hard while living apart.” he adds teasingly, and sees Buck’s eyes widen.

“Yeah?” he breathes out.

“Yeah. Might make it much easier if you, I don’t know, maybe move in soon?” he asks, trying to act as nonchalantly as he can, but not quite succeeding, because he’s excited. He hasn’t been this giddy in a long time. And, to be honest, Buck’s already kind of living with them, it’d just make so much sense. More than getting a dog together while living apart, that’s for sure.

“You want me to move in?” Buck tries to smirk, but awe and surprise overtake his expression.

“If you do, yeah.” Eddie says decisively, because now that it’s happening, now that he knows for sure that he and Buck feel the same, everything slots into place, and he knows exactly what he wants. He wants Buck in his life, in his home, forever. “That not too fast for you?” he slowly leans in again, not able to resist those gorgeous lips a second longer, now that he got a taste.

“Actually, no. Seems perfect.” Buck responds, meeting Eddie’s lips halfway.

When they go to the shelter the next morning, Chris is excitedly talking about dog names, and everything they need to buy, and all the research he and Buck have been doing on training dogs to pee outside, and teach them tricks – it’s adorable how excited he is, and now Eddie has no idea why he was ever opposed. Buck and Eddie walk right next to him, holding hands, smiling at each other, as they listen to their son. 

______________

It takes maybe two weeks for the puppy to have Eddie wrapped around her little paw, any rules he made be damned. He’ll never admit it out loud, because he was the one refusing to get a dog in the first place, but she won him over completely. Buck and Chris tease him about it, and he pretends he has no idea what they’re talking about, which apparently they find really funny.

“Hey, I thought you said no dogs on the couch?” Buck asks, running his fingers through Eddie’s hair, as he walks around the couch to sit next to Eddie. Well, Eddie and their little puppy, Luna, who’s curled up next to him, her head on Eddie’s lap, and she’s soundly snoring as he absentmindedly pets her. Buck sits down on his other side, and puts an arm around Eddie.

“Did I?” Eddie mutters, looking down at the adorable dog, and wondering what he could have been thinking then. “I don’t recall.” he adds, and Buck laughs. Eddie immediately shushes him. “She’s asleep, shut up.”

“Wow.” Buck whispers and rolls his eyes. “And you didn’t even want her.”

“Shh.”

“You guys are inseparable now. This was supposed to be Christopher’s dog.” Buck notices with amusement, and he’s only half right. It is Chris’ dog. But she really likes Eddie, and what can he do about it? But they’re not inseparable. Eddie and Buck might be even more now, but not Eddie and the dog.

“She is. Yours and Chris’. She just sat next to me.” Eddie says, looking back at the TV that’s so quiet it’s barely audible. Buck and Chris have been obsessed with the dog since the moment they saw her, and she loves to play with them both, but for some reason, whenever Chris is not there, she ends up hanging out with Eddie more. Buck always jokes that she could sense who was skeptical towards her and made it her mission to change his mind. Maybe there’s something to it.

“And you woke up at four to walk her this morning. And two days ago.” Buck points out, having way too much fun with this. So maybe Eddie’s willingly walking her now after claiming that he won’t, because he’s not the one who wants a dog, so what? He’s allowed to change his mind… again. “And didn’t she sleep in our bed last night?”

“That’s irrelevant.” Eddie responds, not able to resist a smile. He still can’t believe it’s our bed, and our home, and our son, and our life… and our dog – as much as Eddie wants to deny it, she stole his heart, just like she did Buck’s and Chris’. He won’t say that, though. “Someone has to walk her when you two can’t, and she already woke me up.” he shrugs.

“Oh, of course.” Buck laughs and kisses his cheek. “So you guys are not best friends yet?”

“No.” Eddie responds immediately, but his hand is still petting the dog, and he involuntarily smiles when she blinks her eyes open. “Hi, look who finally woke up.” he says softly, and ignores Buck chuckling – or tries to, but it’s Buck, and his laugh is one of his favorite sounds. Luna turns over, demanding belly rubs, and Eddie obliges.

“I love you so much.” Buck says, and when Eddie looks up at him, he immediately meets his eyes, filled with so much affection, it still takes Eddie by surprise.

“I love you, too.” Eddie responds, and just the fact that he can say it now is still making him grin like an idiot. 

“More than the dog?” Buck teases, and Eddie rolls his eyes, while Buck laughs once again. “I’m not hearing a no.”

“You’re insufferable.” Eddie leans over and kisses Buck, just to shut him up. He laughs into the kiss, and Eddie can’t believe how much he loves him, his heart is overflowing with it. One of them deepens the kiss, and Eddie’s just about to suggest they make the best out of Chris still being at school, while they have a day off, but then a few insistent barks interrupt them, and Eddie realizes he stopped petting the dog when he and Buck started kissing. He pulls away, and smirks. “Look, she’s just as clingy as you.”

“And apparently she wants all your attention, like me.” he looks at Luna. “You know he’s mine, right?” he gets another bark in response, before she apparently gets bored of not getting attention, and jumps off the couch, going to the kitchen, where she has her bowls and some of her toys, and they installed a dog door on the back door, so she can go to the backyard, where Eddie, Buck and Chris build a doghouse and fenced off a little area for her. It’s been a fun project, Buck was right. “Ha! Now I have you all to myself.” Buck grins, and leans in again.

Much later that night, they all watch a movie together, Christopher sits in between them, the puppy on his lap, Buck and Eddie’s hands intertwined on the back of the couch, because now that they’re allowed to, they never stop touching for longer than necessary. Maybe they’re both a little clingy. Eddie kind of loves it.

He looks at his family, his wonderful son, and his incredible partner, who’s holding his hand and smiles softly at him over their son’s head, and the dog that, there’s no denying, brought them together. Maybe it’d happen one day anyway, it probably would, but they got here quicker because Christopher and Buck really wanted a dog. And now they live together, they have a family and a life, and a future together. Eddie thinks that giving in to all the pleading and getting a dog was the best decision he could’ve made, and he’s so grateful for it. 

He brings Buck’s hand closer and kisses his knuckles, just because. He’s just overwhelmed with how happy he is right now. He doesn’t think he’s ever been more content in his life. And when Chris groans and complains that they’re being gross and constantly making out (which they’re not… at least not with Chris present), they just laugh, and look at each other, and it’s perfect. Their family is perfect. Eddie wouldn’t change it for the world.

[babygirl-diaz]

In which Sammy has watched far too many soap operas and has therefore created an evil twin for Buck and is now giving you headcanons you did not ask for. Also, it's an omegaverse. 🤷‍♀️

Hello, It's Buck's twin, Muck. I'm just kidding, it's Buck's twin...uh... Eric? Yep, Eric will do. So Eric runs away when he is 17 years old and the Buckley parents are too pissed at him to look for him.

When Buck leaves home at 19 and travels around North and South America, he hopes he will find his twin again. Because how hard could it be to find the guy who looks exactly like you?

Turns out it's very hard. Instead of finding his twin, Buck ends up finding Eddie. An army medic who was in Peru on his leave. Eddie is an omega and they end up spending his heat together. Eddie leaves after a few days, sneaking out before Buck wakes up and Buck is left a little heartbroken.

Four years later, Buck joins the 118, but his brother always remains at the back of his mind and so does Eddie. He still hopes to find them someday.

Two years after that, Eddie joins the 118. Buck is excited to see him. But Eddie doesn't even seem to remember him, which breaks Buck's heart all over again.

Buck wants to punish Eddie for not remembering him so he is at odds with him at first. The two butt heads with each other just don't get along. But then they are forced to work together during the earthquake and come to like and respect each other, and become friends.

And then Buck meets Eddie's son...

He can't help but notice how the kid somewhat looks like him. The curly hair. The blue eyes. Could be a coincidence... Right?

Buck doesn't press and Eddie says nothing. When Buck's curiosity gets the best of him, he asks Eddie about Chris' other parent and Eddie tells him he and his ex-wife, Shannon, who was also an omega, had the baby through an alpha donor.

Buck is disappointed, to say the least.

And then there is a car crash and with it, Buck's entire world starts crashing down around him.

When the 118 get to the scene, they realize that the alpha in the car crash looks EXACTLY like Buck.

The man in the car crash turns out to be Dr. Jeremy Stanford, a neurosurgeon with the UCLA hospital, much to Buck's confusion.

With all eyes on Buck, he is forced to confess that he has a twin brother who ran away from home when he was 17 years old.

When "Jeremy" wakes up in the hospital, Buck and Maddie are right there, waiting for answers.

Jeremy tells them he ran away from home because he couldn't deal with their parents anymore and he hated the fact that their parents cared more for Buck and Maddie than they did for him. Turns out, with the help of someone he got to California, and because of his smarts, he got into Stanford. He called himself Jeremy because he always loved Jeremy Irons' voice as Scar in The Lion King (foreshadowing are we?) and Stanford because he always loved the school and it gave him a second chance.

Maddie and Buck don't know what to make of this, but they are happy to have their brother back.

Buck and Jeremy start hanging out and Buck even introduces his brother to the 118.

Buck, who has been playing a long game this entire time, is heartbroken once again when Jeremy asks Eddie out. Eddie doesn't know what to say so he asks Buck and Buck being the self-sacrificial fool he is, tells Eddie to go for it.

Oh, and up to this point, Buck has become very close to the Diaz boys. Christopher adores him and Buck adores him back.

But with Jeremy in the picture, Eddie and Christopher spend less and less time with Buck. In fact, even Maddie spends more time with Jeremy than she does with him.

Buck can't help but feel jealous that Jeremy is stealing their time but he tells himself that after everything Jeremy has been through, he deserves a family, so he backs off.

Jeremy shows up everywhere and everyone loves him, and Buck feels like everyone in his life is getting further away from him.

One thing Buck does notice is that Jeremy doesn't let Buck and Eddie hang out with each other. He always comes along with Eddie.

Then one day Jeremy declares he is Christopher's biological dad, much to Buck's horror. Eddie tells him he met Jeremy in Peru where he was going by the name E.B. and the two spent Eddie's heat together, after which Eddie found out he was pregnant. Eddie admits when he first joined the 118, he thought Buck was E.B. but since Buck said nothing, Eddie didn't press. Also, he was scared that Buck would take his son away if he found out that Christopher was his. But it made much more sense to Eddie that Jeremy was the real dad and not Buck.

Buck feels his entire world shatter. He found and lost his kid in the same breath. He wants to tell Eddie that he is E.B. and not Jeremy but he doesn't think Eddie will believe him, so he confronts Jeremy instead.

And that's when Jeremy shows his true colors...

He just wanted to destroy Buck's life because Buck got to have the life that he wanted. So now he wants to take everything away from Buck. Starting with the man Buck loves and the kid that is actually his.

Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn....

That's all I have for now, folks. And like I said, I am a storyteller, not a writer.

[bringbackavac]

i used to think i couldn’t hate the diaz parents because they reminded me of my parents (especially as a first born who also got dumped so much responsibility and expectations at a very young age) (i’m only a year older than my sister) + the fact that they actually had a whole unpacking and sincere apology episode had me softened up.

but!!! recently, the more i thought about it, about how long chris has been away and how up till now we still haven’t had ANY conversations/efforts on bringing him back got me SO IFFY about them. the way they just went and took christopher away without having a full fruitful conversation with eddie feels SO WRONG.

(not a single question about how is he, how did this even happen, how did even chris reach that solution to call them, is eddie okay? with everything that happened? with chris wanting to go to texas for the summer? discussing how long is chris gonna stay? what measures should they take as father + grandparents unit to approach an emotionally unstable and most possibly traumatized teen with escapism as a coping mechanism instead of talking it out, etc.)

they could’ve gave eddie the lead on what to do (AS THE FATHER??? which should be a given???), help him reach a decision, trying to help the father and son talk it out. maybe staying a few nights to see if a conversation really could be made to the kid and letting eddie handle it all first, with them as a middle man, instead of just up and dragging chris on the same day and leaving you ACTUAL child all alone in confusion and grief…

his whole life just got fucked sideways and you take his only stability, his only responsibility, the only pole of his nuclear family in keeping him the slightest bit sane, his single pride and joy, his main source of happiness, thinking it would help them both???

all that and we see ZERO of the diaz parents not making an effort to check in, update on chris’s wellbeing, keeping a communication line open still. even if the kid doesnt want to talk to his dad, they could’ve been a facilitatior and (again) the middle man for these things, on really trying to patch up the father and child relationship instead of KEEPING SAID CHILD SITTING AND STEWING ON HIS FRAZZLED THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS!!!

i really can’t believe they really thought they were “helping eddie and chris” and “thinking whats best for them both” because the request to temporarily move away to a state wayyy too far from his life just so he can not-face his father after a gigantic issue from a child?? a growing teenager with imbalanced growth hormones that affects their emotions and rational thinking abilities should’ve IMMEDIATELY activated red warning lights inside their brains.

never seem to consider that after the summer break, chris still needs to go to school wether he likes it or not. chris still needs to face his father wether he likes it or not, because eddie is still his father. instead letting the teenager taking the reigns in all the decision making based on his rage, confusion and overwhelming emotions.

and eddie, obviously never having a great example of openly communicative and solutive parents who talks together instead of barging in gunz-a-blazin’ or throwing blame and shame towards their problems (exhibit Z: this whole tragedy) + the guilt + limited emotional processing as a child, is still struggling to process his own internal issues and on how to be firm and strict to his own child

who is still a TEEN btw.. who’s first thought to solving a problem was running away to a faraway state m from home with no concrete return time.

the diaz parents must really be believe they’re helping by jumping straight in the wagon with no communication and assesments, when in reality they’re HELPING NOTHING??? other than prolonging the issue… they’re just making it worse and worse causing both fathe/child NOT getting the facilities and help to start the healing/resolving process they so desperately need and deserve.

TLDR: i hate the diaz parents, and eddie needs to step up and take charge with boundaries and decisions

[dangerpronebuddie]

Now that it's been pointed out to me, I can NOT stop thinking about it! It's a long ramble, so it's under the cut.

Eddie runs when things get tough.

Shannon got pregnant-> military

Shannon wants to move-> he shuts her out

Parents want to take Chris-> moves away

I am in no way blaming Shannon here, but I am saying that this is probably where most of this behavior was learned. It could even be from Ramon always being away, and being emotionally absent when he was present.

The thing is, when Eddie ran, no one stopped him. Shannon didn't put up a fight when he joined up. His parents let him walk away. When Buck wants to talk about the shooting and Eddie shuts down, Buck doesn't push.

So Eddie has learned he can get away with it. No one's going to push back, so why push at all?

I have noticed that he doesn't enter arguments unless provoked. When he comes home from Afghanistan, his parents and Shannon criticize every little thing. So he puts up his carefully crafted walls and shuts them out. He only starts the peacocking gym fight when Buck turns his aggression on Chimney.

Now the grocery store fight is a whole other ballgame. It's grief disguised as anger. I will admit, and I will die on this hill, that Eddie's "you're exhausting" comment was uncalled for and I would've burst into tears if someone said that to me. But that's what grief does to him. It's so overwhelming, and having grown up in a house where he had to be the man of the house as a child, showing no emotion, it's not surprising. If you're not angry when you're upset, you're not a man.

But I'm getting off track (as usual.)

My point is, no one's given him reason to keep fighting through the issue, so he simply walks away from it.

Which makes the cemetery scene even more incredible and interesting. Frank is my hero, honestly, and Eddie's growth has been amazing to watch. He's not running from Buck in the cemetery scene, he's offering Buck the chance to fight for them.

Instead of taking the lead, being in control, or walking away, he's giving the reigns to Buck. His last attempts at trying to get Buck to get over his near death experiences didn't work. He tried to get Buck out of his own head with the ladder truck, so he makes Buck go out into the world again. Only to be caught in a tsunami. He tries again (poorly) in the grocery store scene, asking him why he can't move on and suck it up. These attempts only made Buck internalize his emotions. Because that's all Eddie knew.

Thanks to Frank, Eddie's learning. So instead of inserting himself into Buck's issues and trying to make things right as fast as possible, he's actually allowing Buck "time to process" (seriously, how could Eddie possibly give such advice to others when he couldn't follow his own in s4?)

He lets Buck come to him in 6x12, and only asks how Buck's really doing after they talk. He's trying to follow Buck's lead for a change.

Same with the cemetery and "you don't have to be anything for anybody." Buck keeps looking to Eddie like Eddie's supposed to tell him what to do, but Eddie's learned that that doesn't work. Buck HAS to make decisions for himself or he's never going to grow. So, Eddie thinks that if Natalia is who Buck wants, then he won't stop him.

Now he did comment on how it was a bad idea for Buck to date people they've met on calls (kinda hypocritical dude!), but that's the only objection he's voiced.

Something else just popped into my head about how Eddie came to this conclusion. He saw Buck with Taylor and without her. Guess which version he preferred? Which version was happier?

That's because, when Buck breaks up with her, it's his decision. He chose to end things instead of waiting for "when the woman flees." Buck stumbles into relationships, and waits for shit to hit the fan. He doesn't put in the work either.

Buddie can either be really really good or really really bad with this. Eddie leaving the ball in Buck's court lets Buck make the decision to be with Eddie. He has to confess, because Eddie's resigned himself to pining forever. When Buck does, they can either have hundreds of problems, or learn to communicate and operate as a couple.

Forcing the decision into Buck's hands makes him choose for himself what he wants. Buck always has to be chosen, but Eddie's telling him he doesn't have to be. Eddie's always choosing, so giving Buck the lead is not only a huge display of trust, but it's a giant step forward in terms of how Eddie handles relationships.

Now, had Eddie not done this, this might've been a major issue for them. Buck would keep following Eddie's lead, not put in any effort, and Eddie would bail the moment they had even a small tiff.

But thanks to giving the decision to Buck, they have a better chance at a successful ship.

What needs to happen now is they need to address the things they haven't dared talk about. Namely the will, the shooting, and the lightning.

I know the show doesn't leave loose ends, and foreshadowing (especially when it comes to Eddie) can take several seasons to unfold. So, it's not improbable that the Will will be brought up again. I know they talked about Buck's death and the shooting, but not what it did to each other. And, I have a little theory about Eddie's comments about the shooting.

He remembers more. His body language in that scene absolutely says so. He barely looks at Buck, does a subtle head shake, and keeps his comments to a minimum. Because he needed to in that moment. Telling Buck everything he actually remembered wasn't what Buck needed. Buck needed the assurance that he was going to get better. That he'd actually process it. Eddie couldn't tell him the whole truth and expect Buck to feel fine about it.

Welp... this got way out of hand very quickly. Random thoughts while doing dishes will do that, I guess. I just think the cemetery scene has a lot more layers than I first noticed, and every time I think about these two, something new to analyze comes up.

[holidayslinger]

100% agree. I love that eddie wanted to respect christopher's wishes and give him space but the way his parents are encouraging it (and building chris a pool??) is just teaching him he can run away from his problems. Eddie made mistakes yeah but he's a good dad, his son doesn't need to be "saved" from him. I hope at some point he remembers his parents have no legal rights here. 3 months is enough playing nice

I really really hope that's one of the things that's going to come to a head at some point early in the season. Because Eddie does need to realize he's more than just a dad, sure, I get that. But he also needs to realize that he's a *good* dad, that he loves his son and he fucked up, but that's his kid and his whole thing has always been that he'll fight for him. Eddie ran. Shannon ran. Chris ran. Eddie can break this cycle and I'm so ready to see him do it.

[suaine]

6x15 coda | Eddie goes to El Paso and talks to his mom | 1.5k

read on AO3

Even though he thinks of LA as home these days, El Paso is where he grew up, where he met Shannon, where Chris was born. El Paso has his heart in ways that LA could never understand and never replicate. Eddie sits on his parents’ porch late at night and listens to the noise of late spring in Texas. They are far enough outside the city for nature to replace the sounds of humans and it’s a symphony he knows well, white noise that is working away at the noise in his head.

Eddie knows it won’t drown it out altogether, but maybe if he just sits here for a while, he’ll be able to sleep.

It’s entirely dark when he hears the screen door open and close, a distinct sound that reminds him of a childhood running after his sisters as they start a new game and draw him in. Eddie smiles to himself but it feels heavy somehow, like he’s saying goodbye to something.

His mother sits next to him without a word but she hands him a steaming mug of coffee, the way he used to drink it, a little more bitter and less frivolous than he has come to enjoy it. There’s a softness to him now he has never allowed himself to feel when he was younger.

“Thanks,” Eddie says, eyes still on the horizon. The desert stares back at him with a vastness that would be terrifying if he was here alone. But he’s not alone and that’s something he’s slowly letting himself believe.

His mother hums and takes a sip from her own mug. “You looked like you needed it.”

Eddie has never doubted his mother’s love for him, not the way Buck always struggled with his own parents, but she has a way about her that makes it hard to be truly open. They have that in common, walls so high that no one can climb over them, only knock them down.

“Pepa talked to you,” he says, suddenly certain that this is why she’s been pushing for them to come visit.

His mother sighs. “She means well. Ramon and Pepa and your abuela, they all love you so much. They only want the best for you, all in their own way.” She rests her hand on his knee. “But they don’t know you like I do.”

Eddie shakes his head, but not because she is wrong. There is a connection between them, something so primal it’s hard to put into words. They’re too similar to get along, sometimes, too broken in the same ways to really communicate. “I’ve been thinking about Shannon a lot,” he says and his mother tenses.

“Ah.” It’s a sound that stands alone, that encompasses so much hurt and misunderstanding and guilt.

“I know you never liked her,” he says, weary and unwilling to fight over choices he made long ago.

But his mother huffs. “I liked her fine,” she says, “I just didn’t like her for you.”

A brittle, nasty laugh breaks out of Eddie’s chest. “Yeah, that’s just the same thing dressed up for church.”

“Eddie,” she says. She sounds weary, too. “You are my son.” Her voice suddenly sounds foreign, harder, like she’s speaking from a place far north, half a world away. “You are my son and that’s something I’ve tried to shield you from more than you know.”

Eddie thinks about all of the times in his childhood when his mother insisted to cook his abuela’s recipes, to celebrate their holidays the Mexican way, to hide herself in his father’s culture. How he calls her abuela when he speaks to Christopher and never thought to learn Swedish, a language that was never spoken in this house.

“When I met your father, he was warm and full of life, and I knew that I would follow him anywhere. But I was glad it was here.” She looks out at the desert. “It is easy to say I love you in English.”

Growing up, he and his sisters sometimes laughed about his mother’s accent when she spoke Spanish, but it’s only now that he’s letting himself think about the fact she learned two languages for them and never spoke her own.

“Shannon was a good girl, but you and her were two kids clinging to each other because the world was a scary place and you recognized a kindred spirit. I know, because I saw a lot of myself in her. And there is too much of me in you.”

Eddie is silent. There is nothing he can say.

“She died before either of you could find out that you were walking the same path in different directions.”

Eddie swallows hard, a sudden lump constricting his throat. “Before, uh, before she died. Shannon, she wanted a divorce.”

He’s never told his mother this because he was afraid of the vindication she would feel. Knowing that she was always right and showing it, making him feel young and foolish. But she doesn’t do that now, only sighs and leans closer, wrapping her arms around him. “Oh, Eddie, my poor boy.”

And he doesn’t know why this is what sets him off, that lets the tears finally run freely. But he is burning with it, tears running hot and wet down his face, his every breath a sob that shakes him to the core. “She- she said she needed to learn to be a mother first. That she couldn’t be both.”

His mother is running soft hands down his back and through his hair, humming something that could be a lullaby, but one he’s never heard before. Eddie lets himself be held and allows his tears to fall freely.

It takes hours, years, minutes, a moment. But the weight on his chest is lighter and the noise in his head is quieter. It feels like the desert just after a thunderstorm.

His mother lets him go as he pushes away slowly, but her eyes are on his, searching for something. She nods when she finds what she’s looking for and puts her hands on his face, rubbing the tear tracks with her thumbs. There is a light in her that Eddie has never let himself see, always eclipsed by the Texas sun.

“When you find the one you want to be with, you will know, because they will burn brighter than the sun. They will make you feel warm and safe and loved like no one else ever has.”

She smiles and Eddie feels the way she carefully avoids gender like a punch to the chest. How could she know when he hasn’t let himself even think about that part of himself? Has it always been there? And worse than that, when her words fall on him, each one stings with the knowledge that he has found his person long ago, has found exactly this feeling and is maybe too scared to ever do something about it.

“What if- what if they don’t want me back?” It’s the fear that keeps him locked up tight, running everywhere but where he wants to be.

His mother smiles. “Eddito,” she says, her accent so familiar it wraps around him like a blanket, “anyone would be lucky to have you. When he sees you, he will love you.”

He already does, Eddie knows that, just maybe not the way Eddie wants. And oh.

Oh, his mother knows this, too. Eddie doesn’t talk about Buck to his parents, tries to keep what they have, this weird, fragile little family that is always, always on a deadline, to himself as much as possible. But of course, his mother talks to her grandson and Chris has no such problems gushing about the man that’s taking up so much space in their lives.

What Eddie doesn’t say is as loud as the things he does and his mother has been hearing him his whole life. But she is like him, and he is like her, unable to put words to the emotions that are so heavy and vast in his chest. It’s not that they don’t feel, the two of them, it’s that they feel in ways that are hard to translate.

“Mom, I-” He stops, frustrated with himself and his silence.

She puts a finger to her lips and taps twice, shaking her head. “You don’t have to explain. You don’t have to say anything before you’re ready. But I think you will be ready soon and we will be here when you are.”

A new silence falls between them. It feels lighter, more complicit, like they are sharing a secret in the dark. Eddie drinks the last of his coffee, long since cooled to the ambient temperature. It tastes bitter.

“Mom, I have to tell you something. I actually like my coffee with oat milk and sugar these days,” he says, because he can’t say everything else.

She pats his back and nods. “Then we’ll make another pot.”

Eddie smiles at her. “That sounds like a great idea.”

[schrijverr]

I Didn’t Mean to Say I Do, but I Do. I Do. 5

Chapter 5 out of 50

Secret marriage of convenience buddie slow burn AU, where Buck and Eddie have been married for years so Buck could adopt Chris and no one at the 118 knows.

In this chapter, Eddie and Evan decide to get married, so Eddie can go off to war. Evan has to deal with being a parent alone, with Helena judging his parenting. Not to mention Eddie getting send back injured.

On AO3.

Ships: Buddie (slowburn)

Warnings: ableism, emotionally abusive parents, insecurity, homophobia

~~~

Chapter 5: Mr. & Mr. Convenience

They’ve run over the numbers an unholy amount of times. If Evan’s senior year math teacher saw him now, she’d have a surprised induced medical emergency with the amount of calculations he’s done. No matter how they count, Eddie is right. He’s going to have to re-enlist.

When the reality sinks in, Evan feels a fear grip his throat and softly he asks: “What’s going to happen to me and Chris if you do? You know your mom is never going to let me stay with him.”

A part of him thinks, this is it. I have finally overstayed my welcome and Eddie is going to leave to fight a war and Chris will go to his grandparents and I am no longer useful. It hurts, these past few years have been hard, but they’ve been so good too. He doesn’t want to lose the best family he has ever had over medical bills, but it seems like that will be his life.

Before his thoughts can spiral into anything more depressing, Eddie says: “They can’t do shit if you’re his legal guardian. We can do paperwork about that, right?”

“You want me to adopt Chris?” Evan has to check, because that can’t be right. This is the part where people leave, not where people pull him closer.

“Do you- do you not want to? I mean, you don’t have to, I get-” Eddie stutters, suddenly realizing just what he is asking Evan to do. He has already done so much, it keeps surprising him every day that he is still here.

“Of course I want to,” Evan cuts him off. “Are you sure you’re okay with that?”

“Evan, you’re basically his other dad. This will only make it official,” Eddie tells him as seriously and heartfelt as he can. He still isn’t great at emotions, but for Evan, for his family, he’s willing to try.

“Thank you,” Evan says, hugging him close, despite the awkward angle and the table digging into both their stomachs.

“No, thank you,” Eddie replies, glad that Evan starts crying so he doesn’t have to explain his own moist eyes.

He leaves Evan to go on a research binge about how to best tackle this, while he sits back, mentally trying to process what re-enlisting will mean. He’s going to have to say goodbye to Chris again. It seems even more difficult than it had been the first time around. They’re going to have to let his parents help again too.

As much as Eddie wishes he could, he knows Evan can’t take care of Chris by himself when he is gone. He is already doing way too much by trying. But Eddie is sure that if he lets Chris go to his parents now, he’ll never get him back. He can’t allow that to happen.

That helpless frustrated feeling is back and Eddie hates it. He needs to move. He wants to run away, but that isn’t possible. So, he makes a pot of coffee instead, it is already a late night and it’ll probably become a later one. He is used to it, but Evan is going to need the caffeine.

His own coffee is black, but Evan takes his with two sugars and way too much milk. Eddie thinks it is not how coffee is supposed to be drunk. No one likes the bitter taste, you just have to get used to it. However, he makes Evan his version of coffee without complaint.

When the coffee is done, he puts Evan’s mug next to him, taking a sip of his own as he leans his hand on the table, taking his place behind Evan’s chair to look over his shoulder to see what he’s doing, though not actually reading anything as he asks: “So, what did you find?”

Evan rubs his face with his hands as he takes a break from staring at the screen. He says: “All of them take a long time, too long for the timeline we’re working on with those bills. Unless you want to get married.”

Eddie can admit later that he chokes on the sip of coffee. However, he recovers in record time and actually thinks about it. He and Evan are a lot like a married couple when he thinks about it. They live together, raise a kid together, even sleep in the same bed (albeit practically never at the same time). He’s not gay and Evan has never mentioned being gay either, but you don’t have to be in love to be married. His marriage with Shannon wasn’t entirely out of pure love either. It’ll just be for convenience.

“Alright,” he says after a beat. “Let’s get married.”

“What? Are you serious?” Evan exclaims, giving Eddie wide eyes. He won’t mind being married to Eddie, even if it’s just so he can adopt Chris, but he never thought Mr. Toxic Masculinity Was My Childhood would go for it.

“Yeah, it’s legal right? And it’s the easiest. They don’t actually check if you fuck when you get married and take it from me, being divorced isn’t the end of the world either,” Eddie tells him.

A little feeling that Evan has been refusing to name feels a little crushed at the word ‘divorce’, but he doesn’t let it get to him. They’re friend. Best friends. And co-parents. He would withstand a lot for Chris, and it isn’t exactly a hardship to be married to Eddie. So he says: “Okay. Yeah. Sure. Let’s get married.”

“Cool,” Eddie smiles at him.

“Really? Cool?” Evan guffaws, playing it up to make Eddie laugh. “I don’t know if I’ll marry someone if their proposal consists of ‘cool,’ I’ll have you know.”

Eddie does, in fact, laugh, before dramatically dropping on one knee and saying: “Evan will you do me the honor of giving me tax benefits and parenting breaks.”

“You’re a fucking dork,” Evan informs him gleefully, though he’s unable to stop himself from blushing either.

“Is that an I do?” Eddie asks, leaning in and suddenly much closer than he has ever been.

Evan feels a little breathless as he nods: “Yeah, I- I guess it was.”

“Great,” Eddie smiles, then pulls back as he gets back up, groaning as he does so.

“You’re twenty-four, not eighty,” Evan rolls his eyes.

“Shut up,” Eddie retorts. “We should go to bed. We have a wedding to plan in the morning.”

He starts putting everything away and Evan follows suit in their familiar dance of doing the picking up. “We’re not actually going to plan a wedding, right? Or do you have your sights set on Chris being the ring bearer or something?”

“As adorable as that would be, we’re not actually going to plan a wedding. Do you have any idea how expensive those are?”

Evan doesn’t know how to feel about that exactly, but he lets it go for now. They get ready for bed together and get in. They’ve been sharing the bed for a long time now, but it’s feel weirdly different to lie next to each other now. Technically engaged.

After a few moments of them lying side by side staring at the ceiling, Eddie softly says: “You don’t have to, you know that right? It’s not as if my parents can come snatch him out of your hands.”

“I want to have the legal backing if I’m going to try and pick him up from Helena’s house after she babysits. I don’t think a kidnapping charge would look good on my record.”

“I know, I’m just saying that I won’t be mad if you change your mind or-”

“Shut up,” Evan hits him with his pillow, earning a squawk. “I want to, I’m going to. Now sleep, I have work in the morning.”

And that’s that.

They call the same lawyer that did Eddie’s divorce in the morning and Eddie goes over to get a prenup made, not wanting a repeat of having to sort everything like he had to do with Shannon, because this is just for now. This isn’t going to be permanent, at some point Evan is going to find someone he loves and marry her. Eddie doesn’t know why that thought stings.

He also gets the adoption paperwork ready for when they come over after their wedding. Doing that doesn’t leave the same weird feeling in his stomach, he just takes it to mean he’s making the right choice, letting Evan into his life more. If that’s even possible.

A week later they’re at a courthouse with only Chris as their witness. Both are unreasonably nervous and the press of lips feels weird, but also not. Neither can look the other in the eyes afterwards.

The people who work there take some pictures of them and it’s so ridiculous that it breaks the tension. The two of them, along with Chris, do some weird poses and they’re pretty happy with their wedding day photos, even if they’ll probably get stuffed in a drawer somewhere and then forgotten.

Neither of them think anything will really change, they tied the knot because it is convenient, not because they want to be married. It’s just the best solution they have for now.

This assumption is proven to be incorrect when they eat dinner the first day after they got married when Chris asks: “Did you have a good day, papi?”

Eddie startles a little and sends Evan a look to see if he knows what’s happening, because Eddie has always been daddy. By the looks of it, Evan is just as confused as he is. Eddie turns back to Chris and says: “It was good, mijo.”

“No, silly, not you,” Chris giggles. He is going through a phase where he likes the word silly, he thinks it sounds, you know, silly.

“Me?” Evan asks, eyes wide as he points at himself.

“Uh-huh,” Chris nods. “I told Ms. Jane you are married. She says you’re my daddy too. But daddy is already daddy.”

That makes a surprising amount of sense, but as much as Evan would adore being referred to as his dad by Chris, he doesn’t want the kid to do anything he doesn’t want to. “You don’t have to call me anything you don’t want to Chris. Not because Ms. Jane told you so.”

Eddie surprises him by adding: “But you are allowed to if you want to. You’re right. Evan is your other daddy.”

He meets Evan’s eyes when he says the last part, trying to imprint it onto him that he means it. If there is one thing he knows about Evan, it’s that he can be insecure. Like, they’re married and he’s still worried about overstepping.

Chris is quiet for a second, thinking, then he smiles: “Okay. I’m going to.” Before asking again: “So, did you have a good day, papi?”

“I did,” Evan smiles, thrilled at the development and endeared that Chris is asking him. He always asks the same when he comes home and it seems Chris has picked up on the habit.

Another thing that changes, is their relationship with Eddie’s parents. Evan doesn’t go with him to tell them he re-enlisted and Evan is taking care of Chris while he is away on tour. The news is not well received. Evan will swear he heard the yelling all the way back home.

When Eddie comes back, he looks about ten years older and Evan cautiously asks: “So, how did that go?”

“Well, let’s see,” Eddie sighs, rubbing his face, before ticking off on his hand. “If this were a real relationship, they’d never support it. They can’t believe I’d go this far to keep their grandchild from them. I’m a horrible father for leaving Chris. Again. Especially because I’m leaving him with you. But they are willing to work with us, for Chris’s sake.”

“That… That is a lot,” Evan says, processing what Eddie has just said.

“Yeah, it is.” Eddie throws himself on the couch next to him. “And I don’t trust their motives either, but it’s not like we have a choice.”

“No, we don’t,” Evan sighs, also slumping into the couch. “Beer?”

“Please.”

The Diaz parents knowing also has another side effect of their business being spread all over town, which half-helps against homophobes, because Ramon makes it very clear that his son is being a rebellious kid, who is making idiotic decisions and Evan is the queer villain, who is tricking their son and stealing their grandchild.

Not ideal rumors to have going around, but Evan has a lot of practice not letting things get to him and Chris is too happy of a presence and sadly also too used to whispers following him.

The whispers get worse when Eddie actually leaves, but Evan never tells him. He has enough to worry about in a war zone, he doesn’t need to deal with Evan’s hurt feelings. Unless they get to Chris, it’s not important.

God, Chris. Telling him daddy had to leave again is one of the hardest things either of them have ever had to do.

He screams and cries and refuses to let either of them go for days. Evan thinks he’ll never be able to forget Chris wailing: “No, daddy, no! You can’t go, because you come back, but then papi will leave, I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want either of you to leave.”

Evan hugs Chis close and promises: “Papi is never gonna go, sweetheart. I’m not going to leave you, even when daddy comes back. And he’s going to come, it’s not forever. And I’m going to be right here. Always. Okay? I promise.”

It’s the first time he ever referred to himself as papi, but he doesn’t even get to panic about it, too busy making sure Chris is okay. He teaches him the secret of the pinky promise, trying to ignore how Maddie didn’t keep her pinky promise to him. He vows that Chris will never have to learn that pinky promises are as meaningless as the normal ones.

When Eddie leaves, it is hard all over again. Evan and Chris drive him to the airport, Eddie in the backseat with Chris so they can cling to each other for as long as possible. Evan watches them fondly through the rear view mirror, heart aching and heavy, despite the fondness it is filled with.

He is about as ready as Chris is to drop Eddie off. He knows it’s for the best, did the math himself, then had someone more competent do the math as well. He would’ve offered to go instead in a heartbeat, but Eddie never would have let him. Evan knows he’s doing better for Chris, but sometimes it is so clear that he needs to be the man of the house. Needs to provide. So, here Evan is, having to let him go.

Evan doesn’t feel ready for it, but he supposes no parent feels ready to do it by themselves.

He’s seen how Shannon wasn’t ready and crumbled under it, seen the panic in Eddie’s eyes the day he realized he’d have to do it alone. He made sure Eddie never had to do it alone, but here he is and he is hoping with all he has that he’s not going to crumble like Shannon did. Chris won’t survive it if he does and he can’t do that to him. So he prays a little, even though he doesn’t really believe.

They park the car at the airport and Evan gets out alongside the others. Eddie unbuckles Chris, while Evan goes to grab his bags. Chris happily lets daddy carry him as far as he can, then tries to hold on for longer, hoping that if he can make him miss the flight, he won’t leave them.

It’s almost more heartbreaking than telling Chris when Evan has to pry his little fingers from Eddie’s clothes as Eddie backs up far enough that Chris can’t grab him again.

He holds Chris in his arms while he cries, pretty sure Eddie is crying too as he backs away further into the airport, still waving and refusing to turn his back on them until he absolutely has to. Evan wants to cry as well, but he keeps himself as strong as he can. For Chris. So, he takes Chris’s hand in his own and makes it wave, hoping that’ll be enough of something to make up for departure (he knows it won’t, nothing ever will).

The two of them stand there until Eddie has long since disappeared into the crowd. Neither of them are ready to leave yet. It’s almost as if they stand there long enough, Eddie will return.

Usually, it’s Eddie who makes the difficult calls, since he is Chris’s actual dad, no matter what the paperwork might tell you, so he has the final say. But now Evan is the one that has to make all the decisions, including the hard ones. So, he is the one that has to walk away.

Chris starts crying again the second he does and Evan doesn’t think he’ll ever feel like a worse person than he does in that moment, carrying a protesting, quivering, crying Chris back to the car and away from his dad.

Without Eddie there, the house is quiet. They lived alongside each other more than with each other for most of the time, but Evan is missing the little pockets of time he used to fill with Eddie.

It feels weirdly empty.

Lonely.

Especially the first few weeks when Chris doesn’t speak unless he has to. Evan knows Chris misses the empty spaces Eddie leaves more than him and he doesn’t blame the kid for being upset. It just hammers home how unprepared he is for this, how much he can’t do this alone, how he’ll never measure up to Eddie as a presence in Chris’s life.

However, Eddie calls. Evan can’t always be there when it happens and he knows it isn’t the same as having him there, but it gets Chris out of his shell again.

Those first weeks he only talks to Eddie, then he slowly starts talking to Evan again. A few days later, he talks to his grandparents too, something he learns because a smug Helena informs him of it when he comes to pick up Chris.

She is going to use it as a reason she should keep Chris there longer, since he is obviously more comfortable there. She hadn’t been able to sway Eddie before he left, but she has been trying again with Evan from the second they came back from the airport.

But, Buckley stubbornness is nothing to sniff at, so he just smiles pleasantly and says: “Good to hear he’s opened up here too. He was already talking at home a few days ago, but for a second there it seemed me and Eddie were the only ones that were going to hear his voice, it’s nice that he’s coming back to himself. Settling in again.” And Buckley pettiness is also pretty strong.

Helena’s face drops at that, twisting into something displeased as she replies: “Yes, with his sensibilities, it’s good that he’s recovering from the shock Eddie put him through.”

Talking to Helena always leaves a sour taste in his mouth and the time he spends talking with her has increased considerably since Eddie left. He specifically doesn’t like how she undermines Eddie and babies Chris. It gets on his nerves. His two Diaz boys are capable and she doesn’t get to decide they aren’t.

It makes his blood boil and he wants to fight her every single time he comes to pick up Chris. But he doesn’t want Chris to grow up around arguing, and neither does Eddie. It’s one of the things that they agreed on when it came up during the late nights when Eddie opened up about everything. How Chris has been around enough arguing already.

So, he tries to bite his tongue and scrounges up some sympathy to extend to Shannon for putting up with it for three years. Though, when he reflects, he’s also getting to the three years. He met Chris when he was three and birthday number six is coming up. It’s crazy how his short stop in El Paso for some more travel money devolved so quickly. Not that he regrets a thing.

With strained politeness, he forces out: “Chris is a strong kid and Eddie is caring for him, he knows that. He just has to adjust. Now, we need to go.” A little louder he calls out: “You got your stuff, Superman?”

“Yes, papi,” Chris calls back and he sees how Helena’s face sours even more at that.

She doesn’t like that he lets Chris walk to the car by himself and she certainly doesn’t like that he calls Evan papi. If it were up to her, Evan would’ve never met Chris or Eddie. He should have disappeared right alongside Shannon and the fact that he didn’t is quite the affront to her. Evan tries not to care, he’s used to parents not wanting to have him around, he can take it.

As Chris makes his way to the car, she can’t help but comment: “Be careful Chris that is dangerous, let Evan carry you.”

“Do you want to be carried, Chris?” Evan asks, before she can continue or Chris can reply.

“No, I can do it,” Chris says.

Evan shoots her a look that says ‘what can you do?’ not being very apologetic or genuine about it as he says: “He can do it.”

He allows himself those little petty moments. To stay sane. He can do a lot by himself, but with his hours he can’t pick up Chris from kindergarten, so he has to rely on Helena – and Ramon when he is in town – to do it for him and watch him until he is let off.

It’s not optimal, but he makes do. Eddie trusts him with his kid, Eddie married him, so Chris would be taken care of. That is so far beyond what anyone has ever granted Evan and he refuses to let him down. Even if school gets tense around him being in Chris and Eddie’s life like that and they have to switch where Chris does his PT.

Chris blows out his six birthday candles on a video call with daddy, surrounded by strained family relations. It’s not much better than his fifth, which he spend crying because mommy didn’t come back to celebrate. Evan hopes his seventh birthday will be better.

Evan tries his best to make it a good birthday, he saved up to buy him some nice presents, plays nice with Helena and Ramon, and showers Chris with as much love and attention as he can, trying to make up for the two missing parents.

He forces on cheer the whole day, infusing the birthday with as much love and happiness as he can, then tucks Chris in bed at the end of the night, crawls into his own and cries.

He cries, because he doesn’t want to do this alone, he can’t give Chris the childhood he deserves and he doesn’t know why Eddie trusts him with it, because he’s incompetent Evan. The child his parents don’t want, the idiot who couldn’t finish college and traveled all over to escape his failure and the disappointment. Who accidentally tripped into the best thing that has ever happened to him and is now ruining it.

Chris is old enough that he’ll remember this period. He’s likely not going to know much from Shannon’s struggles, but he’ll remember Evan’s. He will remember how much Evan can’t measure up against all the other people that care for him, how he lets Chris call him papi even though he doesn’t deserve the title at all.

Evan is probably fucking Chris over for life and he can’t stop, can’t walk away, because the only thing he can imagine that is worse than being bad at raising Chris, is not raising Chris at all.

Still, the overwhelming feeling of being insufficient and being lonely presses down on him and he cries a little more, silent tears rolling down his cheeks. That night he wishes Eddie would be there with them again and he is pretty sure Chris wished the same when he blew out those candles.

He regrets making that wish a few months later when he picks up the phone to find a very official voice asking if he is speaking to Evan Buckley, husband of Eddie Diaz.

It’s still weird to hear that said out loud, despite being married for almost a year now, because no one around him acknowledges it really. Not that’s real, beyond the fact that it is real. So he stumbles for a moment as he says: “Y- yeah, uhm, yes, that’s me.”

“We’re calling you, because of an incident involving your husband,” the person on the other end informs him and his stomach just drops, the world collapsing in on itself.

No. No.

This can’t be the call. His legs are jello and his lungs aren’t working.

The voice continues on: “He was injured in this incident and has been transported to Germany to recover, once he is stable enough to make the journey, we’ll bring him home to you,” which brings some relief, because he’s not dead, but Evan’s world is still off kilter, because Eddie is injured.

Eddie is injured. Eddie is badly injured. He isn’t stable enough to come home. He could have died out there.

There is a buzzing in his ears and he is perceiving at the world as if he’s looking through a layer of water. Dazed he makes it through the rest of the conversation with the military person about the state Eddie is in and the logistics of getting him home and getting into contact with him. He retains it all, because it’s important, but it doesn’t feel real. He doesn’t want it to be real.

Evan feels entirely disconnected from his body, because yeah, Eddie is alive. Eddie is probably going to be okay. But for a second there, Eddie might not have been. For a second Evan thought he was getting a very, very different call.

And that scares the shit out of him.

That moment wherein Eddie wasn’t coming back, wherein Evan wasn’t just taking care of Chris by himself until Eddie came back, but had to do it alone for the rest of his life, that scares him.

He keeps telling himself it scares him, because Chris would have been devastated by the news that daddy is never coming home. That it’s not about Evan, but about the kid that is his son, because Evan is just the guy that Eddie married so he wouldn’t have to fight his parents. Because Eddie will come back from war, divorce him and try to find stability without him. That Evan only has a place in his life, because he’s useful to Chris.

But he is realizing now that it isn’t just Chris, who has been waiting for a loved one to come home, it’s Evan too.

It’s a horrible thing, to finally name that thing you’ve been ignoring as nothing but a small crush as love. To realize it’s much more than a fleeting thing, that you’re in love with his best friend while he’s injured and on the other side of the world and you’re at home watching his kid, married to him, but not together.

So, he collapses, lets himself cry and grieve a relationship that will probably never be, then pulls himself back together again. He can’t break down, he still has to tell Chris daddy got hurt.

~~

A/N:

I am making up legalities for the fic, I do not actually know how to adopt a child easily and it can be wildly inaccurate, but I don’t care, bc it helps my plot xp

Also Chris would be hit harder with this additional third tour I’m giving Eddie, since he’s older and can process the leaving, especially after Shannon already left, so I’m hoping it’s not too out of character for people, since I do also love our resident sunshine boy :D

(in my mind he did a tour when Shannon was pregnant, then after she gave birth and now this one)

[griefabyss69]

Sorry, I see religious trauma and I pounce. Ergo, pls:

03 nobody likes religious trauma frowny face

Hell yes <3 <3 <3 This is an unusual one for me! Has a plot, some pretty serious subjects that aren't the usual ones, has made me feel like crying while writing it before LMAO

This one is a Hellcheer that will WAY later become Steddissy + Robin probably, I have vague polycule ideas for the later plot. But the MAIN story is actually just about Chrissy herself and how when you later have control over your own life, you can start naming all of the huge feelings you had when you were younger.

This snippet is from early in the fic when she's still in school, like early teens

(Cw: controlling/strict parents, little mention of religion, and mentions of her ED)

She doesn't listen to a lot of rock music, sometimes she hears a song on the radio and thinks it sounds pretty cool, but her mom buys her the cassettes that she's allowed to listen to, and when she listens to music at her friend's houses, they all have pop music.

Except for her coolest friend, someone her mom doesn't know about. She has some new wave, and Chrissy likes the feeling she gets when she lays on Tara's floor and closes her eyes and pretends they're somewhere else. Somewhere exciting, maybe Chicago, or another state completely.

She had once tried to get her to try out for the squad, she seemed pretty athletic and Chrissy would bet five bucks that she could fly if she wanted to, but Tara shut her down with a hard, wavering voice.

"They don't let people like me become a cheerleader, Chris."

She didn't really get it, but she sort of understood anyway. Plenty of her friends were already cheerleaders, so it's not like she needed Tara on the squad. She just thought she might like it, especially the acrobatics.

At the end of that night she gathered up the books she had been supposed to take to the library to study, feeling a warm flush up the back of her neck when Tara gave her a soft punch to the shoulder, a cool "see ya later" that made her feel like there might somehow be a way out from under the watchful eye of God, and more importantly, her mother.

Tara had ended up moving - her coolest friend but still young enough to be stuck getting whisked away by her military parents, breaking Chrissy's heart in the same way that her heart broke when her mom found out she had been trying on lipstick at the mall and made her pray to God for forgiveness instead of eating supper that night.

It was unfair, and there was nothing either of them could do about it. Tara had left her with a letter and no phone number to call, no new address.

Weeping over the letter on her lunch break, hidden in a corner by the water damaged classroom that nobody used, she truly understood what Tara had meant back when she said she couldn't be a cheerleader.

-

Eddie Munson, too big for his body, too big for the little stage in the gymnasium, too big for the stink eye the principal was giving him, reminded her of Tara.

It's not like they looked alike, or like Eddie was playing any of the new wave bands Tara liked, or like they would hang out later and he would softly punch her shoulder with a cool "see ya later" when she left.

It was the attitude, maybe. Even though their mannerisms were different and she doesn't even think they'd be friends, probably. It was something she couldn't articulate even after running it around in her mind all through math class, an itch she couldn't scratch, and the answer to it just on the tip of her tongue. She could reason around it all she wanted, but it was out of reach.

She didn't dare think it had anything to do with the letter.

He lived in her heart for about a week, tucked up beside her memories of Tara and the frustration that she couldn't even send her a letter of her own. She didn't have any frustration with him though, and so he faded until she forgot about him until she'd catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of her eye, a little spark shooting her in the chest for a moment.

She just held her breath until it passed and did something that she was supposed to, like double check the spelling on her note to Jason Carver, make sure her hand writing didn't look too shaky.

The sound of Eddie's guitar followed her thoughts until she snuck out to the mall and bought the kind of cassette she had to hide in her locker.

[honeyflies05]

WEEWOO WEEWOOO [baby crying] MY LEG! [screaming]

“hello 9-1-1 what is your emergency?”

ANYWAYS WE’RE BAKC BABIEEEE!!

(shameless plus for my twitter @/honeyflies05 go follow me over there I’m more active)

HELLO!!!!!!

MADDIE NO

why is she being so nice??🤨

she’s dying

I’m calling it

WHO CAME

who are you??

“WHICH ONE” AHHHHH

this hurts!

EDDIE DO MORE DIAZ!!!!!

oh SHIII we’re starting right away okay!!

THIS GUY!

ALRIGHT COWBOY

MADDIE’S A NURSE! check on my bingo card

the camera’s shaking I’m calling that as wacky camera work

eVaN

GAVIN MCHUGH!!!!!

it’s THE shirt

they showed their attention to buck and not Daniel ooooooo

“I’m not a firefighter?” SCREAMING

he has a couch???🤨🤨🤨

THE TSUNAMI???? THE TSUNAMI!!!!

he’s a science teacher I’m calling it

if I see Doug-

WACKY CAMERA WORK! ITS GETTING SCRATCHED OFF

no,,,

PUNCH HIM

ugh ad breaks sUCK

i wanna know where the “THIS GUY” came from because it was SO FUNNY in the clip

i stopped working on my science project because of this show

down horrendously bad

seeing Doug: BOMBASTIC side eye

hello real world!!

“oh my god, Evan” SHUT UP!!!! SHUT!!! UP!!!!!

chim blames himself✅

buck looks so confused andichdhdhs

DANIEL HATES HIM TOO WOOOOOOO

if buck doesn’t punch him in this episode I will

all of these flashbacks to my favorite episodes WOOOHOOOOO

“since when do gurneys have fingers” EJDIFJDSAAAAAAAAAA

Daniel is so mid oh my godddd💀

“who are you” SCREAMING

this wacky camera work!! camera person

ARE WE GONNA LEARN

DAMMIT

coma dream! roll credits!!

“figure something out” I KNOW WHAT HE HAS TO DO!

buck don’t kill yourself

“you’re not married… you really should be!”

DID BOBBY DIE

NAUUURRRRRR

IS THIS WHERE HE CODES????

CHIMNEY NOOOOO

where is Eddie

where is chris

where are my people

ATHENA!!

oh shi real world

of course bobby would blame himself

bobby nash and athena grant-nash are Buck’s parents

“he has to be” oh this is so ao3

HEN!!!!

respiratory failure! woohoo

THE MUSIC

ECMO

aLBERT!!!!

bobby with the rosary😭😭😭😭😭😭

chim judging the buckley’s yayyyyy

EDDIE!!!!

NOT THE PLANE CRASH

“the crazy just sucks you in!”

EDDIE DIAZ!!!!

….chris….

NAUUURRR

NOT THE DIAZ PARENTS

cHRIS

this is our first Carla appearance in a while

“can he hear me” THAT MAKES ME WANNA CRY

“YOURE GONNA BE OKAY” IM GONNA SOB

“you have to come back” I understand why Aisha cried

hen figuring out the coma dream >>>

BOBBY!!

the ambulance still being there😭😭

damn doesn’t the 118 have other patients???

MAY SAYING BUCK IS BOBBY’S SON IM GONNA CRY

buck being so stubborn that may says he’s gonna be okay💀

Buckley parents make me mad

the plane!!!

WHO IS THAT RUNNING

running in nightmares be like:

,,,Bobby??

I’m actually so confused

IF MY SISTER don’t SHUT UP IM TRYING TO WATCH A SHOW

please HIS HOSPITAL ROOM???

“ooo I busted out the rosary must be serious!” I AM SO UNSERIOUS RN

yeah ur parents are nice to you but your entire life is messed up

IM ABOUT TO THROW MY PHONE SHUT UP MY SISTER!!!!!

if I miss smth it’s because of her loud ass mouth

how do we only have 20 minutes left so much needs to happen

we only got started!!!

i need to see Eddie break down

bobby and athena are so Buck’s parents

FULL NAME ATHENA IS MAD

athena will get this kid to wake up by sheer WILL AND DETERMINATION U GO MOTHER

#angelabassetdeservedtheoscar

HIM BEING ABLE TO HEAR ATHENA’S VOICE IM GONNA CRY

“I fixed you!” WHAT IF I COMMIT DIE RN

BUCK COLLAPSING IN THE TSUNAMI EPISODE SKDICHXHZHAAAAA

“so basically you were buck!” IM CRYING

IS THIS FIX YOU BY COLDPLAY????

IT IS.

“boy am I gonna feel guilty about that one” WHAT IF I CRY

“where do you think you’re going??!!”

“home.” I AM SO!!!

if they get Eddie to try to keep him by saying “I love you” you will never hear from me again

THE CUTOFF OF FIX YOU BY COLDPLAY SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i have an unreal attachment to that song yall have nO IDEA

where!! is!! eddie!!

i need Eddie to give me something to break down about

THEYRE PULLING THE PLUG???

if they really were Bobby would be there

DANIEL BLAMING HIM?? JESUS

EVAN BREATHE EVAN

buck in scrubs,,,,

FIX YOU COMING BACK!!!!

HEY THE HATCHET!!

THE BREATH

YEAAAAAAAAA

TO FIX YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY DIDNT SHOW US HIM WAKING UP!???

he stays with Eddie!!

CHRIS!!!

“I never made it inside the classroom… which kinda tracks” WHAT IF I CRY

hen being exactly the same >>>>

chim having his emotional moment >>

“let’s get you set up on the couch!” AAAAAAAAAAAAA

i don’t like the Buckley parents being so insufferable

OOOO BOBBY CENTRIC EPISODE NEXT MONDAY???

farmer wants a wife YEEHAWWW🤠

[poughkeepsies]

cause it's literally like

oh haha two straight best friends getting mistaken for a couple isn't that a funny gag -> nope buck's actually really happy about it and softly says thanks before skipping away

their friendship is so strong eddie still trusts buck with chris even after the tsunami -> but have you considered that there's NOBODY in this world he trusts with his son more than buck? what about the fact that "loving can hurt sometimes but its the only thing that I know"? and "wait for me to come home"? well guess who's HOME bitch

oh eddie is mad at buck for suing the city that's understandable that was fucked up -> uh uh uh let's not forget what he's actually mad about is the fact that he's not allowed to talk to buck and christopher misses him

oh buck and eddie joking about who can take the other in a fight that's classic dudebro behavior -> but buck is gonna walk toward him with his hand basically full on cupping his dick and eddie's gonna put really weird emphasis on that sip of beer he's taking and then we're gonna ramp up the tension and suddenly expel it by cutting to them playing video games cause haha the gay sex you definitely thought you were about to watch didn't happen subverting expectations classic screenwriting technique

buck and chris playing video games! that's so cute! -> oh but when chris asks buck to go to his house and continue playing buck doesn't immediately defer to eddie and eddie doesn't expect him to but he does give buck a very deliberate look that asks him to back him up exactly like a coparenting partner

chris is lashing out about eddie dating again and ran away from home? very expected this is a classic single parenting moment -> oh but he's gonna run away to BUCK and be comforted by BUCK promising to not go anywhere even though this entire thing had literally nothing to do with him and eddie is also gonna look to buck for help finding chris immediately after he finds out he's gone

eddie gets shot -> eddies blood is in buck's mouth. eddie reaches out for buck with his last moments of consciousness. eddie stays awake long enough go make sure buck is fine then immediately let's go. buck is the only choice for who has to tell chris and stay with him. eddie waking up is only shown through the moment where him and buck lock eyes, not when he actually woke up. eddie gets shot and buck practically tries to commit suicide immediately.

eddie made buck christophers guardian in case he dies? that's perfectly normal for friends people make their friends their kids godparent all the time! -> but he hid it for a YEAR he kept it secret he had no intention of letting buck know about the will he was gonna take it to his grave and let his lawyer break the new and he ONLY told buck about it to literally give him a reason to live. also we're gonna make him call buck by his first name. something no one else ever does.

buck gives eddie relationship advice, something friends do all the time -> buck tells eddie to break up with his girlfriend of half a year and the next day he does

eddies gonna quit the team and distance himself cause his mental health is devolving and buck is gonna super upset about it this is all understandable from both sides -> but while eddies distancing himself he's still gonna make sure buck is the first person after his son who gets to benefit from his newfound cooking skills and then he's gonna say the most cliche breakup line of all time and leave buck looking genuinely brokenhearted and then he's gonna go to a bar and only look at buck even though the entire team is right there and involuntarily smile at him smiling and also buck is gonna be the only one covered in light in the frame just in case you couldn't pick up what we were throwing down

eddie has a mental breakdown so his good friend buck goes to take care of him and his son like a good friend should - but eddie is also gonna apologize to HIM for scaring chris like he owes buck an apology for scaring their son and buck is gonna immediately pick up exactly where eddie left off with caring for chris and also eddies gonna come home to buck having drawn him a silly little heart to make him smile

eddie buck and chris hang out in their free time. friends do that! -> eddie and chris regularly pack up all their daily stuff like homework and board games and spend the day doing everything they'd be doing at home in buck's loft while he cooks for them. all they want is his company and they go completely out of their way for it

buck is in danger and eddie is scared and he's gonna do everything he can to save him. of course he is that's his best friend -> he's gonna run up a metal latter without a harness in a lightning storm after he just got struck by lightning and he's gonna briefly try to defy gravity and physics by pulling buck to him and he's gonna count every single second buck isn't breathing and he's gonna yell at doctors for no reason and he's not gonna look at bucks body and he's gonna silently cry to himself and try to hide it and he's gonna be the first person buck remembers in his coma dream

buck can't fall asleep* -> *buck can't fall asleep unless he's on eddie's couch in eddie's home

buck will try to act like he's fine after a traumatic experience* -> *buck will try to act fine after a traumatic experience unless eddie is the he's talking to at which point he will lay it all bare. something he doesn't do for his own sister.

buck has super math skills -> eddie is now profiting off buck's super math skills and he's gonna tell him to dress fancy and take him out and their winnings are gonna be used to feed eddie's son

at every single turn the 911 writers have a choice to make these two normal and then they DON'T

911 writers are so funny cause they have every opportunity to frame buddie's actions as normal best friend stuff and every single time they instead decide to add two extra lines or framing/lighting/music choices to be like OHOHOHOHOHOHO looks who's being weird and intense about their good male friend again

[libraryofloveletters]

Crazy In Love

Eddie Diaz x Reader 

Warnings: mentions of injuries, Eddie can’t do math or cook for shit, friends to lovers :))) 

Category: Fluff

Word Count: 2.1k

Author’s Note: takes place after Stuck (2x04) when abuela breaks her hip. Also, this was supposed to be for 911 readers week but I didn’t finish it in time sooooo just take it now instead :) 

-----

The phone rang, your arm stretched over the pile of dishes on the counter. “Hello ?” you answered, putting it on speaker and setting it back down.

Eddie’s voice rang through the speaker, echoing through the empty apartment. “Hey, can you do me a huge favour ?”

“If you're gonna ask me to bake a cake, I have literally no time, honey. I’m really sorry but I need to finish this order-” Eddie sounds like he cut himself off before saying something as you explain that you’re busy.

“Eds? Are you there ?”

“Yeah- yeah, I'm here.”

“What’s up?”

“You’re busy, I don’t want to bother you.”

You can’t help but roll your eyes because no matter how busy you are, you always made time for Eddie. He sighs heavily, so much so that you can hear him thinking.

“Eddie, what is it ?”

“Can you pick Chris up from school ? I know you’re busy but if you can’t, that’s ok-” “of course I can pick him up!”

The sound of a breath being released before a feminine voice called out for him. “I gotta go, Abuela needs me but he’s off at 3. Thank you, y/n - really.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Eddie.”

He mumbles something before hanging up. You glance at the phone screen - 2:24. You had enough time to change and shove the dishes in the dishwasher before having to head out so you did just that.

You had picked up Christopher from school a million times. His teachers knew you well enough that Eddie no longer had to call and let them know he wouldn't be picking up Chris but that you would be.

Standing outside of the school, the PTA parents were gossiping within their little bubbles, talking about the other members behind their backs but smiling in their faces. You bit back a smile before walking towards the gate. The students were lined up by the door, waiting for the bell to ring.

The moment it does, the students come running out with their teacher a few feet behind them in an attempt to keep up with them. One by one, their teacher lets them out, Christopher finally spotting you and this teacher waves hello as they open the gate for him.

“Y/n! What are you doing here!?” his little face lights up with a smile.

“Your dad asked me to come get you, he's with abuela.”

The two of you start making your way back to the car when Christopher asks you what his plans for the afternoon were. Soon you realized that Eddie didn’t give you any explanation as to where to go or what to do after you picked up Chris.

“How does ice cream and then abuela’s sound ?”

“Can we take some for her and dad too?” Chris asks as you help him into the car.

“Of course we can.”

----

Christopher was lugging his backpack over his shoulder when you knocked on the door, two containers of ice cream in hand. Eddie opens the door, grinning at his son whose face matches his father’s.

“Hey kiddo” Eddie kneels, wrapping the boy in his arms. Christopher’s arms extend around his father, “hi dad, we bought ice cream” he points out the obvious.

Eddie glances up at you, the ice cream tucked under your arm - he flashes you a smile.

“Oh yeah?” he lets go of Chris. “Did you have any?”

“No,” he shakes his head, his hair flopping around as he snickers. Eddie pushes the hair from Christopher’s forehead. “So what’s this on your face?” swiping his finger on Chris’s chin, a little smudge of brown on his finger from the leftover ice cream.

“Paint.” Chris smiles at his father sweetly.

“Uh huh, paint.” he chuckles, stepping aside for Chris to come further into the house.

“Thanks for picking him up,” he leans on the door frame, stretching and his arms lift above his head as he does. You can’t help but glance down at the area of exposed skin - eyes glued to the man in front of you.

“Y/n?” Eddie’s waving his hands in front of you, eyes raising from their previous spot to his face - the blush was creeping up on your face whilst that stupid smug smile of his was on his.

“Would you like to come in?”

“Oh, I don’t want to intrude.”

“You won’t be.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

Stepping in, you take in the house. You had been by Isabel’s once or twice before but you had never come inside the house. The walls were painted a warm yellow colour, the furniture was spotless as was the rest of the house. Isabel sat on the couch with Chris beside her as he told her about his day at school.

“Chris, did you wash your hands?” Eddie calls, the door shutting. Chris doesn't answer which is an answer in itself. “Go now, please.” Eddie’s voice sounds closer, glancing behind you to see him beside you.

Chris grumbles but gets up, Isabel turns her attention to you and Eddie. “How are you feeling ?”

“As well as someone can with a broken hip” she gives you a smile.

“I’m glad you’re okay, you gave Eddie a scare” giving him a playful shove. “We got ice cream, vanilla and toffee. Chris said toffee was your favourite” handing her the small container. “It is, thank you. That’s so sweet of you.” she smiles, pulling the top off.

“No need to thank me, it was Christopher’s idea.”

“Ah, well I'll thank him when he comes back out.” she says smiling, “Eddie, a spoon please ?” she glances at the man beside you. He hums, stepping away for a moment to get her a spoon.

Chris comes running back in after washing his hands. “Dad! Can we stay over? Abuela said it was okay” he’s beside his father now, looking up at him with his big brown eyes that were practically begging him to let him.

You, Eddie and Isabel all knew that Christopher had his father wrapped around his finger and would ultimately get his way but Eddie had to give him a fatherly response and say no, they should go home. Isabel doesn't usually butt in but this time she did.

“Mijo, stay. I could use the company.” She says, patting the spot beside her and Chris makes his way over to sit beside her.

Eddie sighs, if he had a soft spot, it was for the two people on the couch. “Fine, just tonight then.”

Isabel smiles, satisfied with his answer. “y/n, stay for dinner darling. Eddie’s cooking” “Yea- who said I was cooking?” Eddie butts in, shocked at the assumption. “I did, mijo. Don’t worry, I'll tell you what to do.”

“Buddy, why don’t you finish up your homework so you can relax for the rest of the night ?” Eddie calls out to Chris, who again groans. He loved school but despised homework - as did most kids.

“I have math, I need help so I can’t do it because you’re busy.” Chris says plainly, thinking his statement will get him out of his math work because Eddie can’t do math for shit.

“I can help.”

“Y/n, you don't have to-” “no, it’s fine. C’mon kiddo” Chris grumbles, making his way to the dining room table, the two of you taking a seat when Eddie helps Isabel up and to the kitchen.

You can hear them talking and her telling Eddie to cut things a certain way or not to put too much of something into the pot. It only took 20 minutes for Christopher to finish his math homework, he brought it into the kitchen to show his dad.

“Look! I’m done! Math’s easy when you understand it.” that last bit was a little dig at Eddie and his math skills. You ruffled Chris’s hair as he walked back into the living room.

“Did he just-” Eddie watches his son make his way to the couch.

You hold back a laugh,“Mhm hm” Eddie shakes his head, chuckling. “Here, taste this.” he picks up some sauce from the pot, holding the spoon over his hand before handing it to Isabel.

Her face twists when she tastes it, “Eddie, I love you honey, but that’s terrible.” you press your lips together, holding back a chuckle.

“What?” he pouts, sighing. “I swear it tasted fine ten minutes ago.” sitting beside Isabel in defeat.

You pick up another spoon and taste some for yourself, your expression matching Isabel’s from moments ago. Eddie had remembered to put everything in, except the paprika and the salt, you add a bit of both and stir the pot. Taking the spoon from Eddie, you pick up a bit of the sauce and hand it back to Isabel.

“Ah, that’s better.” she hums, making you smile as she hands you back the spoon. Eddie sighs, letting you know that he was still there.

"Why don’t you go see if Christopher wants to watch something or if he wants a snack ?” his grandmother nudged him, a signal for him to leave the kitchen. “y/n can take over for you”

“Abuela, you can’t invite them in and have them work for their dinner.” he says, making her laugh.

“It’s okay Eds,” waving him off. “I don’t mind, really.”

Eddie left the kitchen and made his way over to the couch, listening as Chris told him about his day. He glanced back to see if everything was alright but he noticed that the two of you were laughing as you told Isabel something. Eddie would be lying if his heart didn’t skip a beat.

He stopped seeking his parents’ approval of who he dated- for a matter of fact, it went out the window when he brought Shannon home the first time but seeing you with an abuela made him so warm and happy, he couldn't help but smile.

---

Eddie’s hand slipped onto your hip, his chest against your back. “Can I help you, Eddie?” you mumble, your eyes on the dishes in front of you.

He hums, hands coming around and arms now wrapped around your waist. Eddie felt your wet hands pull his hands off of you, “Isabel and Chris are in the other room, stop it”

His head tilted, that innocent look on his face, “stop what?”

“Eddie,” turning to face him, “shh I don’t want to hear it” he cuts you off, hands back on your waist.

“I don’t think I've ever loved someone the way I love you.” His words come off so sweet and loving but hit you like a ton of bricks.

You loved Eddie, more than anything but you had never actually told him nor did you ever feel the need too. It was always implied that as friends, you loved and cared about each other.

Eddie always knew he loved you, there was never any question about that but something about you, seeing you with an abuela and how great you were with Christopher (as you always were) just pushed him over the edge.

He had to tell you.

“Y/n, you know I love you- and before you say anything, I know I’ve never actually said it to you but I didn’t feel like I had too, you knew I did.”

“I know.”

“Yeah.”

You were still gathering your thoughts, trying to come up with the words to tell him you loved him too but Eddie’s expression changed. His brows furrowed, eyes studying your face - the worry had set in.

What if you didn’t feel the same way ? God, he’d feel so stupid if he embarrassed himself like that.

The years of friendship were enough for you to realize how he was feeling. You were lacking words and you know what they say, actions speak louder than words.

Your hands reach for his face, now cupping his cheeks. Your lips meet his, he pulls you closer to him- if that's even possible. It was a few moments before you pulled away.

Eddie smiles lovingly at you and you’re sure you have the same expression plastered on your face. “Um- I think that says it.” you hum, smiling at him.

“Doesn't mean you can't say it,” he pokes fun at you, making you roll your eyes playfully.

“Eddie?”

“Y/n,”

“I love you.”

---- 

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