#felt worse but I’ve felt better
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Based on my favorite gif lately
#my art stuff#digital art#baldurs gate 3#bg3#astarion#batstarion#once again specifying this is a spawn astarion with some sort of wild shape thing#bat#good morning#gif#I’ve been in such a weird place mentally about art lately#I just keep stopping myself from drawing things cus I want to draw Astarion -#- but fsr my brain decided I draw him wrong and thus makes it pointless to even start#bat form is fine - I have no problems with it. But in his normal form? no can do buckaroo.#It’s one part why I haven’t shared much art lately - I don’t get happy enough about the “quality”#then just don’t share it as a result - in turn making me feel worse because I’m not posting - making me doubt myself more - etc etc#idk man - I got way too giddy earlier today cus someone could tell this was Astarion - even though this isn’t even the version of him I -#- feel insecure about#I keep seeing these artists making more realistic art and cool comics and interactions - most of which are shaded really beautifully -#- and all I can think about is how I CAN’T do that - even if it wouldn’t fuck me up mentally#I just put too much stress on my ability to create realism and I keep “failing” at doing that (by actively avoiding it for my own health)#idk man - I just wish I felt better about Astarion’s stupid chin OTL
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i have been a ball of depression lately as well as my physical health worsening pretty severly this past week due to stress and so my friends have been. trying so hard to get me to get out and do things and its very sweet but i feel bad because the whole time i’m just a total mess
#they say they dont mind but i need to really. stop#im stuck.#and i know it’s hard on my friends to see me like this since i’ve been doing a lot better and now am back to my old habits#but i felt bad because they took me out shopping and to dinner tonight and i just had a headache and was limping and couldnt stop talking#about the recent death in my family and all the stress from classes and socially and how lost i feel#and i just wanted so bad to just. enjoy myself but i couldnt#but my friends know about how severe my depression is and are all very used to it#its in fact more normal than not. but i was really. feeling at my best for several months so the crash back down to not eating and sleeping#and being unable to fully tidy my room and all that stuff has been. difficult for me as well as those around me#it’s been normal for me for so long to live terribly that taking care of myself for a while and then losing the drive to has been. hard#im trying to get better but i slide back down#i need to work on my constant self loathing but i keep walking around just. conviced im such a burden and being sad makes it even worse#i just. am always overcompensating for my lack of#ability to love myself with just. constantly showering everyone around me with love and its. hard for me when i dont have the energy to do#even that anymore. its hard to let people take care of me when i just want to take care of them all the time
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I'm kinda tired of dungeon meshi fans blatantly misinterpreting Kabru's goals, motivations, and character so they can ship him with Laios...like obviously it's awesome if you enjoy Laikabu but can you nooot twist Kabru's intentions for involving himself with the guy who constantly triggers his monster trauma and pisses him off so bad he gets brain damage so that he turns into "the guy who wants to suck Laios's dick" as his entire character? I've even seen people cut off Kabru's words to make it seem like he is admiring Laios because it would disrupt that narrative
#how can you think marcille hates laios and kabru wants to fuck him that's not.......canon.....#every time I see stuff of them it’s people being like 'oh kabru loves it so much when laios reminds him of his traumatic past'#be it his eyes/monsters/or the succubus thing 'he just HAS to fuck laios'#kui was noooooot intending for kabru to be lusting after that man!!!#i love laios but come ON why dont you actually care about KABRU tooooo#for l4bru to actually work one of them would have to suppress a big part of themselves and its ALWAYS on kabru it’s so insufferable#it's just like how some people misconstrued fem!toshiro blushing about laios to be her crushing on him when it was obv the same discomfort#but it made the microaggressions even worse because of the gender difference AS WELL as the culture difference#SIGH#i prommis ryoko kui did not create kabru so he can think about sucking laioss humungous donger all day fhsdkfhskjh#L4ikabu is the worst case I’ve seen of people twisting things for their ship because it’s literally just not true…#blatant misreading of the text goes crazy!!!!#like sure they're foils but what about the actual dynamic...w8 don't think about that actually cuz yoikes lol#obviously not threatening anyone who ships them please just stop saying it's canon oh my g#pwease actually read what kabru says he lays it out really clearly and has a super interesting backstory that drives his actions 🥲#i dont expect anyone to read this because im not using a tag but if u do then...🫢😯#i dont understand y ppl like it so much when laios ignores kabru so hard KABRU DESERVES BETTER#I’ve never felt like this about any ship before wow it just makes me 🫷
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i need brownies so fucking bad rn
#⠀ᶻᶻ⠀turn it up!⠀#unrelated croomf has pissed me off to immeasurable amounts. reduced back to oomf#overthat#anyway#DY piece tn i need it to go#and also this song is soooo minhui i threw up everywhere#decided for better or for worse that kit will be implemented here instead of in the group w kyun.. kyun works best on his own for me idk#he’s not gnna have a massive part (for now) and i dont plan on him leaving 127 to join BB or anything so he’ll def stay on the side#buttttt i did start up a little gogo piece through his eyes#i rly like the idea of never writing in gg’s pov does that jst make me sound rly lazy#BECAUSE!!!!! IM NOT!!! well i am but not w this hear me out#he puts on so many faces with everyone and even if with some he’s more ‘him’ than with others he’s never really actually#gone the whole way bared his soul the whole shebang to everyone bar like one person. so he’s kinda lonely AS EFF!!!#and idk i js like the idea of him being (when u get down 2it) a stranger. he doesnt even wanna show himself to the narrative IJBOLLL#sooooo yeah. it does kinda sound like a cop-out 4 if he acts like a different person in every piece but i think ive been p consistent so#that one person was in dream btw.. he left partly because he was bored and felt like he’d end up going nowhere and#partly because he was HUMILIATED by doing all that he needed to pack his bags and get the fuck out its kinda funny#mention ** to him and he’ll look like that pic of that one 2000 yard stare soldier its serious#worse than saying ‘hyeonmin and jaehee are in the same room rn haha’ to yijun.. but barely anyone will ever find that out#ANYWAY! i like to think kit + cherryade are the closest to seeing minhui as he is right after redacted explosions gunshots#‘im on fire and i’ve got to break out’ + ‘i've had enough of this got to break it through’ LIKE ITS HIMMM!#and dont even mention the ‘got to leave all trouble living life on the double’ I HATE THIS OSNGGGG#They made it for him. IDGAF if it came out in 2001.#ok sorry for yapping i might go make toast
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i'm not doing too well recently but checking your blog in the mornings makes me happy 🫂 i hope things are better for you soon. we can make it through this
oh dear i’m sorry to hear that 🫂💜 i hope things look up for you soon
#maybe by the weekend i’ll feel better…just some anxiety inducing things at work this week and idk#i’m feeling less hurt/upset than i was over the weekend but there’s still some lingering guilt and panic over things#and i even had a nightmare last night#that’s been pretty hard to shake#and then i feel bad publicizing my feelings like this cause i don’t wanna idk come off as attention seeking#everything just kinda sucks but i know that it’s been worse and ive gotten through it#i must be doing okay on the outside at least cause if anything one of my employees made a comment of how kindhearted i am#which felt good to hear with the recent troubles i’ve had with my team lately
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#is it normal that everyone feels sad and lonely most of the time#i cant imagine it being anything else#even when im surrounded by people or at events i feel disconnected#and is everyone just faking it or do they really love making plans going out#idk why im so nonfunctional it feels like whether or not i start feeling bad when i go out is 50/50#and i tried to join as many things as possible in my earlier years of college but i think it only succeeded in distracting me#and making me tired and sleep deprived and i felt like i was too shallowly involved in each thing bc i was spread too thin#but now ive quit almost everything and im just sad. i get jealous when people have plans and when they have friends. when they just go out#its just so tiring and all i ever want to do is lay in bed. but if i stay in bed i feel sad and guilty about missing out and wasting my life#everything stresses me out so easily. i cant play games bc i get anxious. ordering drinks in front of others makes me anxious. anything new#and i fear my anxiety gotten worse this year for just zero reason#im so tired im never getting better. next year my bf is travelling for over a month and im stuck in classes and busy and job hunting#and about to graduate#and i just know im going to be so lonely and so stressed and so depressed#it just kind of feels like i’ve tried so hard for years to be happier and cope with things healthier but i haven’t gotten anywhere.#perhaps im even worse now because i don’t even draw or consume any media anymore. i just barely work (and struggle the whole time) and sleep#my rambles
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one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t
#and that you’re a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap#bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why can’t you??? cause they’re bETTER THAN YOU#lol idk why my head is so bad today#the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i can’t stop it#i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!!#but i Can’t and i haven’t liked anything i’ve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do#oh and now i’m crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse#sorry guys needed to rant#the inadequacy was strong today#something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how i’m whiny for asking them to be respectful and like#i Know i shouldn’t compare myself to my friends but gosh it’s hard when they’re all like. so much better than me.#and i don’t have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like i’m watching everything from afar and it’s no one’s fault but#my brain’s like no one is Doing anything it’s just my brain being dumb and i can’t stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like i’m#missing a part of myself and like the words i write don’t matter gOD why can’t i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids#who hate me say or realize that no one cares that i’m not on much like i’m still Here and trying to interact it’s not like everyone hates me#for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and just—#sorry#that felt good actually#idk what came over me#imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags#sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i don’t wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh#okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is
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ok. I finally did it. After like 2+ years of not going back to the psych even though I very obviously need to I told my mom and I’m getting an appointment. Finally holy shit dude
#I told her that my medication hasn’t worked and that my psychosis has just gotten worse and never truly felt better or ‘went away’#I feel so relieved now even though I know it’s going to be hard#I’m just glad that after years I finally said something#so much has happened this past week and I’ve felt so gradually different but I’m glad i’m going to be in that room again#which is wild for me to say because I’m usually terrified of doctors and psychiatrists and whatnoy#but I just. I knew I wouldn’t survive if I didn’t do anything soon#I can’t wait. I’m relieved. I’m ready to tell them everything. I know it will be beyond hard either way for me but I’m just in such a-#-state of relief. I feel so thankful.#dog talk
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blegh
#delete later#this is me just yelling into the void for a moment#but god I think I need to look into doing smth about my meds#:))) been on a steady mental health decline since at LEAST august#and it’s only gotten worse since the new year started cries#I’m trying to do homework and I can’t even focus on it#struggling so bad#but I don’t. trust anyone to actually talk and I’ve been pulling closer to myself#so I just bury myself in school and writing and distractions (there aren’t many)#I don’t know I think I’m tired#really tired of how things have been#how alone I feel#life has genuinely felt exhausting lately#all of my relationships feel so superficial with the exception of like. a small few#I want deeper connections but lately I feel like I’m just not built for friendship#it really feels like I’m just not supposed to have friends because I’m not a good one or I’m not a good person and I just Exist#in loneliness#and that hurts SO bad#can it please get better already#please#between online and irl I am at my limit T-T#ANYWAYS. back to being productive and doing stuff
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I feel like I died so many years ago
#like yeah there’s been good parts to my life but overall the negative defo outweighs the positive#n I think everyone can tell I’m just miserable being here#I’ve spent most my life being depressed and suicidal than i have been happy#n it really does say a lot tbh like i just don’t think I’m a person capable of living life and being happy#everytime I talk to my mum I feel like by being here I just keep worrying her bc my life doesn’t seem to improve#she said it seems like things are just getting worse over better#n she’s right tbh like every year I’ve just deteriorated more and more#I feel so dead#like this just doesn’t feel like ‘living’ I genuinely have wondered sometimes whther this is just hell#n I’m not religious lol but it doesn’t feel like this is what it’s supposed to be like…#for years ever since I was young I didn’t think I’d live this long#when I attempted years ago I did want to go but maybe some part of me did it for attention bc I was struggling and I didn’t know what else#to do like it felt like a last resort. I hated mysel and my life and wanted out but I guess u can’t overdose on painkillers#unless it’s a hell lot#even tho I did take quite a lot#n like some part of me does want to stay I want my life to be better but it just doesn’t seem to change even when I keep trying#my mental health just ruins everything#i just ruin everything#journal
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skin pain is the wooOOOoOOoOoOoRrrst! the worst!!!
#kit talks#i’ve said it before. will say again. i can deal with SO MANY symptoms better than the skin pain#there’s just no escaping it. holding perfectly still naked would still hurt from the cold air#so you wear clothes and wrap in a blanket and try to not move too much bc moving makes it worse (as does pressure or touch)#and then you cling to your sanity by your fingernails#tylenol helps SOMETIMES but i took it earlier already#god it’s not even the worst pain i’ve ever felt! not by a long shot! this is not the most severe!#it’s just so goddamn inescapable jesus fucking christ#anyway. hopefully i can go to sleep soon and be better in the morning and this won’t be heralding something worse#alphabet soup of chronic illnesses
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hard to tell if I’m actually ‘getting better’ or if I’m just bored and doing things anyways
#I think I’m at least somewhat better. it’s easier to manage my energy than it used to be#and easier to manage my pain#I wonder if physical therapy did more than I thiught or if I just managed to cut out an allergen that’s been really fucking me up#or both. probably both#why is it so hard to remember what I’m supposed to feel like#or what I felt like a year ago#or a few months ago#I keep having to remind myself that I didn’t just make symptoms up#I haven’t magically gotten tougher and can do three times as much with the same level of pain and fatigue#I wasn’t weak. I’ve never been the type to stop doing things so it has to be bad to make me stop#so like. what happened#it feels like everything’s still just slowly getting worse so why am I doing better#I don’t trust it#maybe I actually managed fo rest my way out of burnout. but if so I still have to be careful not to wind up there again
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it’s weird how much lighter my life feels now. not that i don’t have any issues (because there are many in my life, as i am sure there are in yours), but they’re just so much more manageable than they were a year ago.
what’s more; i love myself now. i may not be perfect. but i am trying my best, and i can tell that i am! i see myself in the mirror, and sometimes i just examine myself, and my features, and i smile. i feel so much more authentic when talking to people, not worrying about how they view me, because i don’t have to anymore. i wish i could’ve told 15-year old me just how good it’s gotten so far, i know that he would’ve loved hearing about the shitty sideburns we’re growing out right now :’)
#it gets better :)#i used to think that transitioning medically wouldn’t lessen the sadness and depression i felt#and to some degree it is still there since t isn’t a cure all#but by the gods it is so much fucking easier to deal with everything#when a major reason for my mental health being the way it was has been abated#it’s like the fog cleared enough for me to actually see the road i’m driving on#instead of assuming blindly that i won’t crash#once i get top surgery.#idk. i wonder if things will be even easier?#i’m almost a year in and already my life feels so much brighter. yeah there’s problems with keeping the house. and yeah#i don’t have an income yet and i don’t know if the internship will even be in the cards for me#but. i just feel that everything will work out. enough for me to enjoy the time i have here :)#sorry i am being sappy but god! i love and i love! so much now!! i feel so much and i enjoy nearly every day despite the Issues#the world is getting worse but still i find reasons to love and live#so maybe one day it will get better? maybe one day my love will have helped even#if you’re reading. i love you. even if you’re just a follower#even if we’re mutuals that haven’t talked before#i think about you often. i wonder where my oldest mutual went after they stopped posting years ago#i don’t think i can forget. and i love you. and i wish i. could give you a hug. we all need one from time to time#i love the friends i’ve made and the friends i’ve had. i love. and this past year has opened up my floodgates of emotion
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actually idk if i can do this i’m a different type of insane now LOL
#it would make me…. so sad if i replayed this game and it felt joyless#revisiting loved media can either make me feel much better through nostalgia or much worse bc i’ve changed oops!
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hey does anyone know how we’re supposed to survive it all. asking for a friend
#she speaks#oh gang we’re really in it now#i don’t think i’ve ever felt this bad this deeply in my whole life lol#the burnout just keeps accumulating past any point i thought it could reach#and i can’t even pretend at work anymore#i’m so tired and these kids are so infuriating and it builds and builds every time they do something shitty#and i love them and it’s not their fault they’re just kids and they’re tired and it’s almost summer#but god i can’t fucking do it anymore#how exactly am i supposed to survive the next two weeks#the class i’m taking is too confusing and too fast paced#and i didn’t buy the textbook bc it’s 200 fucking dollars#and our apartment is always a mess#and i can’t keep up with friendships and feel like i’m constantly letting them down#and there’s nothing i can do to fix any of it#until the school year is over#bc at this point it takes everything i have just to get up and go to work in the mornings#but then i still have to somehow find energy to do other stuff too. and like actually teach.#i have to grade and do report cards and return materials and clean up my classroom#i need to complete a checklist the size of a novel before i leave for the summer#i need to keep the kids engaged but none of us want to be here#i need to start organizing to make next year easier#i need to fill out paperwork and spreadsheets and update my password and find time to feed myself and grade more papers and#vacuum the floors and scoop litter and clean up clutter and do dishes and wipe down counters#and i haven’t been able to fucking do any of it in months and left so many chores to my poor partner who’s also going through it#bc i have nothing left and i don’t know what to do!! i want to scream every minute of every day bc i’m so beyond overwhelmed the moment#i wake up in the morning but i don’t have time for a meltdown so i just keep going!!#i wish i had better words to explain how bad it’s gotten but the brain fog has gotten so so bad#i can barely think i can’t make decisions my memory and recall have gotten so much worse#i take my anxiety meds so often that they’ve stopped working#and yet i still worry that i’m making it up and being dramatic. anyway sorry about all this lol
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