#n she’s right tbh like every year I’ve just deteriorated more and more
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I feel like I died so many years ago
#like yeah there’s been good parts to my life but overall the negative defo outweighs the positive#n I think everyone can tell I’m just miserable being here#I’ve spent most my life being depressed and suicidal than i have been happy#n it really does say a lot tbh like i just don’t think I’m a person capable of living life and being happy#everytime I talk to my mum I feel like by being here I just keep worrying her bc my life doesn’t seem to improve#she said it seems like things are just getting worse over better#n she’s right tbh like every year I’ve just deteriorated more and more#I feel so dead#like this just doesn’t feel like ‘living’ I genuinely have wondered sometimes whther this is just hell#n I’m not religious lol but it doesn’t feel like this is what it’s supposed to be like…#for years ever since I was young I didn’t think I’d live this long#when I attempted years ago I did want to go but maybe some part of me did it for attention bc I was struggling and I didn’t know what else#to do like it felt like a last resort. I hated mysel and my life and wanted out but I guess u can’t overdose on painkillers#unless it’s a hell lot#even tho I did take quite a lot#n like some part of me does want to stay I want my life to be better but it just doesn’t seem to change even when I keep trying#my mental health just ruins everything#i just ruin everything#journal
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i couldn’t contain myself sucker sorry!!! i lied there in bed until i decided to come write
Tonight quite bizarrely I am thinking of Overwatch which as you know I’ve played a grand total of maybe!!!!! 8.3 minutes!!!!!! in training mode but nonetheless latched onto!!!!!!! Like a lot of queers. You know. I am thinking of offhand mentioning to you almost a year ago that I’d cobbled you and Tracer on the same wavelength and you being all “really??? what?? why” (I don’t blame you).
But I’ve thought more about it (just now tbh). I know what happened in my good good brainmeats. It’s that thematic willingness to deteriorate and break the self down. I gommed right onto that shit dude. It’s totally a trauma thing, yeah I dig, especially the attempt to utilize and rationalize it. Which is what shows up every time I write her, which is why it all reads like snuff film synopses. But it’s also catharsis and release and whatever else we want to read into it. You know.
You also know I got a Thing for queers with agency issues which explains the Widowmaker fixation I have (I at least come up empty for other culprits). Since I’ve played the game about 8.3 minutes I get to make up my own reading of the characters, and in her case that mostly emphasizes the inaccess to self. Monstrous feminine yeah! Body horror, sure!!! But you know already I think of myself as a locked house in places and it comforts me to try and play that handicap out on a template.
I haven’t done much in that sandbox since summer but I am back on that good good Pearlrose nonsense that I can tell you about in the next post, and it’s absolutely a reflection of what I’ve been chewing on in therapy n shit, all about attraction to things that might be bad for us and why they feel good anyway. I want it believable but happy enough so it will take some trimming. Rebecca sugar planned this all along, didn’t she
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