#feeling out of breath more easily since having covid a couple weeks ago

[emgoesmed]

1/20/2024

Hot girl walks in cold weather 😌💞

[strangerthingsharrington]

Can’t Fight This Feeling

A/N - sorry for the lack of update once again! Covid life/seasonal depression isn’t a good combo!! But here you go!

-21-

We drove in near silence, aside from the quiet music coming from the stereo, with Dustin only giving out a couple driving instructions for Steve to follow.

Steve sighed semi-aggravated, “How far is this place?”

“Relax we’re almost there,” Dustin told him, “besides you’re the one who told me to keep quiet unless there were instructions. That includes being quiet about arrival times,” he added to Steve.

I bit my tongue to stop the laugh that almost slipped out, because technically Dustin was right.

“Suzie must be pretty special, huh?” Robin asked from behind me, “I mean, if you built this thing and lugged it all the way to the middle of nowhere just to talk to her?”

That wasn’t something that surprised me at all about Dustin. He’s just...like that. For as sassy as he could be, he was an extremely caring and loving kid.

“I mean, no one is scientifically perfect, but Suzie’s about as close to being perfect as any human could possibly be,” Dustin answered.

And there was another side to Dustin. Smart ass Dustin.

Steve squeezed my hand gently and continued rubbing his thumb across my knuckles.

“She sounds made up to me,” Erica interrupted.

I scoffed and looked back at her, she looked at me and shrugged, “What? It’s true!”

“Dustin wouldn’t make up a girl! She’s totally real,” I defended, before turning to face the windshield again.

“Does she sound made up to you?” Erica asked, popping her head in between me and Steve, but she was looking up to Steve.

He sighed lightly as Erica sat back in her seat, Steve wasn’t answering and I looked over to him, only to see him looking awkwardly in the rear view mirror.

“Steve? Come on,” I scoffed with a small eye roll.

“Why are you hesitating?” Dustin demanded.

“I’m-I’m not! I think she sounds real! Totally...absolutely real,” he said drifting off before looking to me with wide eyes and a small shoulder shrug.

Again, I rolled my eyes with a small grin. I had to believe my brother. I mean, if he made her up, then that’s a whole other issue we would need to deal with at a later date.

“Turn left here!” Dustin suddenly exclaimed.

Steve looked around rapidly, “There’s no road here!”

“Turn left now!” Dustin demanded.

Steve let go of my hand and brought it up to the steering wheel turning it sharply to the left, “Hold on!” he called to the rest of us as we all shifted harshly with sounds of disapproval coming from us all.

We turned onto the grass at the bottom of the hill where a week ago I had picked up my brother after he intercepted the Russian transmission.

“Whoa, Henderson! Where are we going?” Steve yelled.

“Up!” Dustin and I shouted together.

We were all bouncing around in the car since we were driving over grass at a slight incline now.

“Jesus!”

“We’re not gonna make it!” I exclaimed looking to Steve.

He had both hands firmly on the wheel, never taking his eyes off the front of us.

“Yes we are!” he called to me, “Come on, baby! Come on!” he instructed to the car, as if it would listen to him and continue taking us higher and higher.

But a moment later, the engine began making noise and slowing down. Steve continued pleading with the car and pushing on the gas to no avail. He were just getting stuck further into the grass.

Steve finally relented and put the car in park, cutting the engine.

“Well, I guess the Toddfather has its limitations,” Robin quipped from the back seat.

Steve shot his head back to her and gave her the death glare before looking back to me with a grimace and opening his car door. I followed quickly, getting out of the car and helping Robin and Erica get out of the backseat.

We all stood and stared up at the hill in front of us. After the past few days, I knew none of us wanted anything to do with climbing this thing.

But we obviously had no choice.

“Come on, guys,” I sighed as I began climbing.

Within seconds Steve was by my side holding my hand as we climbed together. None of us wanted to use any extra oxygen to speak and I could hear everyone panting and groaning or mumbling things under their breath.

Finally we reached the peak and saw Cerebro sitting there.

“Holy shit...this is pretty impressive Henderson,” Steve said between gasping for air.

“You do what you have to do to talk to the person you love,” he said simply.

Dustin went right away to the radio and began messing with it, getting it to the frequency needed to speak to the adults in the lair.

“Bald eagle do you copy?” Dustin asked.

I snickered slightly. After knowing Murray Bauman for only about half an hour, I knew he would hate that code name, and that’s exactly why Dustin had chosen it for him.

“Bald eagle, I repeat, do you copy? This is Scoops Troop.”

A second later, the staticky voice of Murray came through, “Yes, I copy.”

I breathed out a small laugh and patted my brothers back.

Dustin chuckled and cleared his throat, “Call sign?”

“Bald eagle,” came the dry response.

I grinned at my brothers back as Steve put his arm around my shoulder.

“Please repeat,” Dustin instructed.

“Bald eagle! This is bald eagle!” Murray snapped back.

“Copy that!” Dustin said with a laughing edge, “Good to hear your voice bald eagle, what your 20?”

“We reached the vent. I’ll contact you when I need you,” he barked through the radio, “until then, silence.”

“Roger that bald eagle, this is scoops troop going radio silent. 10-10, over,” Dustin answered immediately.

I shook my head, wondering if Dustin thought others took his radio lingo as serious as he did.

Dustin looked up at us, I smiled down at him as Steve patted his shoulder.

“Good job, Dust,” I told him.

He grinned back at us. I sighed heavily and looked out towards the trees. Just beyond you could see Starcourt all lit up. I took a few steps away from the group, as Steve followed along with me.

Steve rubbed my arm slightly, “You okay?” he asked me.

I smiled softly, “I could definitely be better. But waiting for Mrs. Byers and Chief Hopper to close the gate to another dimension...it’s definitely something,” I said with a small laugh.

He grinned and nodded a couple of times, “Yeah...but it’ll be over soon. Then your essay will finally be complete.”

I laughed and nodded, “Escaping from a Russian underground lair and helping direct people to the key to close the gate is really the way to go for ending it.”

He chuckled, “Easily an A plus worthy essay.”

I smiled softly and nudged him lightly, “Yeah...depends on how it actually ends, I guess.”

“Hey,” he said quietly, removing his arm from my shoulders and standing in front of me, “we’re all gonna be okay,” he said cupping my face with his hands, “I’m gonna keep you safe, Lou. I’m gonna do everything in my power to keep all of you safe.”

“I know,” I whispered, looking up at him.

His face was still a bit swollen on his left side, and it looked like the discolouration had deepened. He was still cut up with dried blood still lingering in different spots on his face.

But I trusted him fully. As crazy as that sounded. I really, really did trust him.

The crackly voice of Murray Bauman broke the silence, “Scoops troop,” he said through Cerebro, “this is bald eagle,” he said through strained voice.

I looked over at the group surrounding the radio tower and walked over to them with Steve next to me.

“I’ve reached another junction,” he told us.

“This is what?” Dustin asked, looking down to Erica.

“The fourth junction,” she responded.

“Alright,” Dustin sighed, “so if memory serves, this is right after the My Little Pony thesis.”

My Little Pony? I looked up at Steve, confused, but his face told me that he had no idea what he was talking about either.

“We went left so he has to go right!”

“Right,” Erica agreed.

“Fly right, bald eagle,” Dustin instructed over the radio.

“Flying right,” Murray echoed.

“What’s the My Little Pony thesis?” I asked the group.

“Don’t get them started,” Robin begged.

I smiled and shook my head, “What do you mean, get them started? Come on, just tell me!”

“Hey guys?” I heard Steve call.

I looked behind me, suddenly nervous because Steve’s voice sounded worried. I took a few steps forward until I was next to him, staring out over the tree line and knew instantly why he sounded worried.

The lights at Starcourt were flashing through the night. I wasnt totally sure what it meant, but I knew it wasn’t good.

“Shit,” Dustin whispered behind me.

At almost the same exact second, we all turned and ran back to the radio tower. We needed to talk to the group at Starcourt.

“Griswold family, this is scoops troop! Do you copy? Over!” Dustin shouted.

He repeated himself once more before we heard an inhuman screech through the radio. I grimaced at the sound, shrinking under Steve’s sudden protective arm around my shoulder.

Dustin continued shouting into the radio, asking them to confirm their safety.

A loud roar sounded through Cerebro and my eyes filled with tears immediately. The monster was at Starcourt. We had to do something.

There were more noises coming from the radio but Dustin tried, still, to communicate with the others.

But no one ever responded back to us.

All I could hear was the snarling sound coming from the radio and Dustin’s yells for confirmation that they were okay.

Steve’s arms were suddenly gone from my shoulders and I looked up and saw him taking a few steps away from us.

“Where are you going?” Erica yelled to him.

He turned back frantically, “We have to get them the hell outta there! Robin, come on!”

Robin was up immediately and following him towards the hills decline, and I saw her with an extra walkie talkie in her hand. I got up and followed with them.

“I’m coming too!” I called out.

Steve spun around and faced me, “No you’re not,” he told me shaking his head, “No, no way, Lou. Stay here with Dustin and Erica.”

“No, I’m going with you,” I said instantly.

I knew that Dustin and Erica would be safe here on the hill, the monster was at Starcourt. If they stayed on the hill they would be fine.

He stared at me intently, “Lou, please please just stay here,” he begged.

“Why? I want to help!” I exclaimed, “Besides, Robin should stay here too! She was in the vents!”

“Robin already said she doesn’t know where they went! That’s why Erica and Dustin are going to navigate!” Steve told me, pleading with me.

I sighed and bit the inside of my cheek, not willing to back down on my stance. I needed to go and fight and help end this. I needed to help...to protect everyone.

Steve looked down at the ground for a moment before looking back up to me.

“I can’t let anything happen to you, not now,” he said thickly with watery eyes.

I sighed gently, “Nothing will happen to me, we’re all gonna be okay.”

He walked over to me, and gently put his hands on each side of my face, “Please...just do this one thing for me. After everything the last few days...I really can’t let anything happen to you. I don’t know what I would do...”

I put my hands on his wrists, “I’ll be okay, if something happened to you, Steve and I wasn’t there...” I let the sentence drift off.

I really wasn’t sure what would happen if something happened to Steve after everything.

“Please just stay here with the kids...I swear I’ll come back and get you as soon as this is done,” he promised me softly.

I knew I really wasn’t going to be winning this battle. Even if I stayed stubborn that was just going to keep Steve here longer, and possibly risking everyone else at Starcourt from getting help.

“Okay,” I relented.

I physically felt the tension release from his body at my acceptance.

“We’re still on for tomorrow, right?” he asked me with a small smile.

I nodded wothout hesitation, “Wouldn’t miss it,” I said, taking my hands away from him.

He nodded before letting his hands fall slowly from my face, “I’ll come back as soon as I can,” he whispered.

I nodded, “I know.”

“Steve,” Robin said quietly, “we have to get back.”

Steve sniffled and looked away from me nodding once, “Okay.”

He took a couple steps back before he looked at me again, “Be careful,” I said looking between my Robin and Steve.

He smiled sadly and nodded once, “We will,” he said before turning with Robin to start their descent down the hill.

I took a deep shuddering breath before turning to look back at Dustin and Erica who were sitting in the grass still by the radio.

I walked back to them and sat next to Dustin. He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it softly.

“You really care about him, don’t you?”

I looked back up at him just as some tears fell from my eyes, “I know it’s stupid,” I told him quietly, “but after all of this...yeah-I mean, I cant really hide that now, ya know?”

He nodded in understanding, “They’re gonna be okay, Lou. Really.”

I nodded, wanting to think of anything other than how scared and nervous I was.

“We should huh...call bald eagle and let them know what’s going on,” I said with a small sniffle.

Dustin removed his hand from my shoulder nodding quickly, “Yeah, for sure.”

“Bald eagle, this is scoops troop! What’s your 20?” Dustin called into the radio.

“I told you radio silence!” Murray shouted through the radio.

“Yeah but we have a problem!” Dustin told him.

“What kind of problem?”

This time is wasn’t Murray that came through. Chief Hopper was coming through the radio, and you could hear the worry in his voice.

“The lights at Starcourt were going crazy, Chief. We tried to radio the others but no one was responding and we heard it,” Dustin said before sighing harshly at the end.

“Heard what?” Hopper growled.

“The monster,” Dustin told him, “it’s at the mall.”

Hopper didn’t talk to us for a moment. I could only assume he was freaking out with Mrs. Byers on the other end.

“Hop, what do you want me to do?” Murray came on and asked.

“Keep going,” Hop instructed sternly, “we gotta end this. Tonight.”

Dustin huffed and dropped his microphone.

“Shit,” I heard Erica mutter underneath her breath.

“They have all the information they need to get in there...bald eagle just has to land and then we’re almost golden. We’ll be-we’re gonna be okay,” Dustin said, trying his best to be reassuring to us.

But all I could think of was the group at the mall, and how terrified I was about not hearing from them. I was scared for my best friend who was on her way back to the mall to try her best to help.

Steve. I was terrified for Steve. I tried not to let my thoughts linger on him to much, but they always went back to him.

——

Title credit to REO Speedwagon and gif credit to owner

[prose-for-hire]

The Powers that don’t

💜I got a special request for a longer fic in my inbox a couple weeks ago and I’ve been working on it for a bit!💜 

Pairing: Spike x fem!reader

Request: Imagine: The watcher's Council had found a young woman in a graveyard one night (from the year 2020) Giles was called by the council To look after the young woman while they figure out how she came to be. While fighting along side Buffy and the gang, Spike is crying over Drusilla leaving him as Spike encountered with the young woman takes a very happy turn. Oh personally: Laid back, kind, charming, sweet and sarcastic

Warning: Mention of covid-19. Blood mention. Spike kills people (not described graphically). Siring. 

Requested by: @everlastingartist​ - hope this is okay love 💜🖤

A/N: Snapshots of your growing relationship with Spike. Time moves on pretty fast, I didn’t want to split this one up into parts but I suppose I usually move time on in my ficlets so you should be used to that by now if you follow my writing lol. There’s an extra gif (as a treat) in the middle to split it up! I had a blast with this one! (WC: 5k)

You were waiting in the queue to get into the supermarket, having to wait two metres behind those queueing in front of you. It was a normal day, that was until you blinked. This is how you found yourself in a graveyard. In the middle of the night.

“What the-” you looked around, confused. The mask over your mouth muffling your words as you spoke. You were sort of laid-back, even with this - being dropped into somewhere so clearly not where you were meant to be - you adjusted quickly. You had been in the supermarket queueing apart from the rest of the customers and now you were in a graveyard in what appeared to be the middle of the night.

“Now!” A stuffy looking man with a very British accent called, pointing towards you .A young woman tackled you to the ground. On instinct, that you weren’t aware you possessed until now, you blocked her blows and pushed her off you, panting hard. Eyes widened as she felt you were human. She got up, helping you up.

“Uh, Ow” You muttered, “So, hi, sorry to bother you - do you know where I am?”

“London, England” He enunciated the words, clearly proud of the place they were in.

“Great. How about when I am?” You ask, eyeing the girls choice in outfit. You were all for individual style but something about it made you feel as if you had been dropped straight into the 90s. 

“1998, of course” They confirmed your suspicion. The pair frowned at you and then at each other. 

“Oh, so I’ve travelled in time!” You decide, as if this was an inconvenience than a major revelation. You moved back subconsciously as they approached you. You weren’t used to people standing so close and so it was unusual when the girl offered you a comforting gesture - a hand on your shoulder. This gesture awarded her a glare from the man and she quickly dropped it. The man then looked at you with a curiosity that surpassed the usual time-traveller-crazy. He was squinting at you as if he had been waiting for this.

“Come with us” he ordered, didn’t ask. You shrugged and followed.

You spent a couple of days there, the man introducing himself as a watcher, his job to watch over the girl and train her. They had a special interest in you, something about a prophecy of one from the future,  telling you that you had some kind of potential too. You were packing up, which was fairly simple as you only had the clothes on your back and a now unneeded face mask. You had been told you were taking a trip. Someone that could help you figure where to go from here.

Meanwhile, in Sunnydale, California:

“Mr Giles. We will need you to undertake further duties. The council is stretched and this woman is a special case. She maintains that she is from the future. I believe it may be the one from the prophecy your slayer has discovered. We will need you to watch her while we do our own research on this prophecy”

“Ok, Quentin. I shall greet her at the airport”

When you finally arrived in Sunnydale, laden with several scrolls and some books for you to give to a ‘Mr Giles’ about a prophecy that hadn’t been explained to you, a friendly older man welcomed you.

“Uh, hello, y/n. I’m Rupert Giles, you will be staying with me. I hear that you have travelled a long way to be here”

“Yeah and the rest” You mutter, before smiling apologetically and greeting him properly, “It’s nice to meet you, you have a really nice home” You offered, ever the charmer, as you looked around it approvingly.

Eventually, a group of people perhaps a little younger than you arrived their curiosity getting the better of them. 

“This is Buffy, Willow, Xander and Anya” Giles introduced as you greeted them warmly.

“Hey, your names are all straight out of a graphic novel or something” You smile, introducing yourself as y/n. You had been briefed that Buffy was a slayer, that there was but one in a generation but you hadn’t been entirely certain what it entailed. Th others whispered slightly, about the latest demon not quite sure how much they could trust you yet as Giles caught that you may feel a little left out.

“Well, ah, yes, thank you. Shall we set you up in the spare room?” Giles offered, taking your bags and showing you the way. You just rolled with it, picking up the fast-paced lifestyle that you would have to be accustomed to in Sunnydale. 

With you being laid back and fun for the others to be around, you fit in almost straight away. They started to be less secretive around you and started to clue you in on everything. Although, they weren’t entirely sure what a potential was yet themselves. Which was fine by you, you might not be here long enough to find out anyway. Giles was the only one that knew of a prophecy that had started to come true since you arrived.

They were helping you find a way home. Some of them more reluctantly than others. Willow had started to teach you little tricks and tips about simple spells, so that you could show off to the others. Buffy and you often gossiped together, she liked that you often had a friendly ear for her problems, offering another perspective that Willow didn’t have. 

Life became normal, but you felt yourself lacking something you couldn’t quite put your finger on and it wasn’t returning back to 2020. Everyone was coupled up and some days you started to feel a little lonely. You continued to research a way to get home, often in vain. You weren’t so urgently wanting to leave, you had a life here in Sunnydale now but Giles was insistent you at least had the option to return to your time period.  

It had been a few months now, and you were getting used to life in Sunnydale. Buffy ran at the vampire, with you, willow and Xander trailing behind. The three of you worked together to shepherd the vampires into Buffy’s line-of-fight so that she could stake them more easily. You became a part of everyone’s lives and you almost forgot about where you had come from, until of course it was brought up again.

You became fast friends with the gang, a true member of the Scoobies. They asked you so many questions about the future it was as if your life before then had been a dream. You were all walking back from the graveyard after a long night of slaying when they mentioned the future once more.

“There’s a big virus... it’s pretty bad back there… or forward, in the future” You say softly, thinking of how different everything was compared to now and how much you had taken little things for granted.

“I knew it! I called it: the next apocalypse would be a big virus infecting everyone” Buffy said excitedly, then realised you had a little frown. Things really had felt scary for a while there. She stopped talking, a hand on your arm to reassure you. You smiled at how close you had become, finding her one of your best friends. You were so grateful for the Scoobies as you walked through the streets, deciding to make an impromptu trip to the Bronze. 

When you arrived, the music was buzzing and the vibe in the place was exciting. You smiled around the room, nodding along to the music, barely noticing the conversation until you zoned back in. They were discussing a vampire, someone they called Spike. You decided you wanted to ask who they were talking about.

“Oh my God, that’s right - you weren’t here” Buffy sighed, having to launch into another account of what had happened with Angel. Your eyes widened at the story they had managed to forget to inform you about, even to your laid back demeanour it made you a little spooked about how friendly you had been with Angel. 

“So, what’s up with this Spike? Is he evil?”

“If you’re scared of peroxide you should start running” Xander smiled, and Willow explained he had bleach blonde hair. 

“Well, uh, there was talk of torture with railroad spikes and-”

“He’s killed slayers in brutal ways”

“But he was mostly big on the talking about killing us but he never manged to do anything... too busy with his precious Drusilla” they shrugged, as if this was normal gossip. In the same breath, they started to talk about a girl from their school, Katy, who they saw parking with a guy that wasn’t her boyfriend. 

Not even a week after this conversation, you were in the Magic Shop, needing a few ingredients - you had promised to help Willow with a de-lusting spell. She had told you, in private, what had been going on with Xander so you had it a priority to rush to the store.

As soon as your eyes met his, you felt the missing piece you had been lacking. His presence filling you up in ways you never knew you were empty. You were drawn to him, even though you knew how dangerous he was, you couldn’t help step towards him, despite the fact he was standing over a dead body.

It was the store owner. You had really liked her, she was always extremely kind. Your look of horror changed to one of concern though, at the state of the vampire in front of you. He looked almost... broken. As if he had suffered a great loss. Your head told you to run, get into the sunlight as soon as you could, but something made you stand stock still. You knew who he was. You had been told about him only a few nights ago. But the horror stories hadn’t scared you away. Not even the scene before you had scared you away.

You both just stared, as if you were studying something fascinating. For some reason, unknown to him, he didn’t lunge at you. He launched into a rant about his woes. You were used to this, your personality meant people often confided in you.

“She dumped me! She didn’t even chop my head off or burn me to ash, I mean, she doesn’t even care about me that much!” 

“Hey, it’s okay I’m sure she’ll change her mind. I’m sure you have lots of... nice qualities” You offered. He sighed over-exaggeratedly, pacing and stepping over his discarded meal before leaning against the wall and sliding down it. He crouched, head in his hands as he continued to speak.

“But she cheated! With a chaos demon! Have you seen one of those? They’re all goo and antlers” he shouted, tears spilling from his eyes that he angrily wiped away. You cautiously sat beside him, also leaning against the wall.

“That sounds pretty gross to me” You offer nodding along, your hand hovering as if you wanted to offer a comforting gesture but you weren’t sure if he would bite your hand off (literally). However, your fears subsided when he leaned against your shoulder, sniffling slightly. His tears starting to subside at your words, nodding along. The big, scary bad guy didn’t seem so bad. He was in pain.

“Then, you deserve better, Spike. It hurts now, but this might be good for you. Some time to look out for yourself, pick up the, uh, pieces” You offer, wavering at the end as his face had shifted. He was starting to get mad. He realised he had been vulnerable with you. That he was taking comfort with you. A human. A potential, he had even overheard from the witch. This wouldn’t do. He could feel himself falling. One ounce of kindness and that’s all it took for him to start falling. God, sometimes he hated being love’s bitch. 

He squinted, how did you know his name? Oh, right, you must know the Slayer. He’s just been vulnerable with one of the Slayer’s little slayerettes. He scowled at you, a dramatic change from his previous apparent sensitivity as he loomed over you. 

“Bugger off, I see you - you’re the Slayer’s mate aren’t you? Well, I don’t know what game you’re playing but you can bloody well- you can bugger right off!” He shouted, grabbing your jacket, balling it up in his fist and pointing in your face. His face changed, his bumpy forehead shifting his features. You just stared back, everything had happened so fast you weren’t sure what could be said. Even now, you just wanted to reach and hug him. And, if you had I’m sure he would have hesitated but hugged back. But you didn’t and for some reason, he dropped his hand from your clothing and stalked away. 

The next time you saw him, was a few days later. For some reason, his mind had started to move from Drusilla’s betrayal and he had a new object of his affection. You bump into him late at night as you walked back home after helping Buffy patrol, he still looks a little upset. He was definitely a little drunk and so, you took pity on him. He insulted you when he first saw you, trying to keep up the façade but it quickly melted away at how genuine you were about how he was doing. He softened, even slightly, nodding along to your words. He followed you to your door, already starting to miss you as the key turned in the lock.

“Come in?” You offered over your own shoulder as you stepped over the threshold. He squinted, unsure if he had heard you right before smirking. 

“You’re just asking to be eaten up, aren’t you?”

“No, I can just see you’re hurting. Talk to me, I won’t tell a soul” you promise, setting out two mugs and offering him a drink. He nodded, taking the mug and hugging it to him. The warmth comforting in a way that he wondered if your embrace would be the same. He knew it would. And now, as you spoke, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

After this, another moment where he hadn’t eaten you despite having a very easy chance, he took comfort in the fact that you were kind but not naïve. Kindness was his weakness and you weren’t like the scoobies, there was something about you. Like you had knowledge, not just because you appeared to be a few years older. Like you could truly understand.

When he left in the early hours of the morning, only because the sun was threatening to rise, he still insisted he was going after Drusilla. But instead, he couldn’t help sticking around. 

He realised he didn’t want to go back to Drusilla. He wanted kindness. He wanted you. He decided to lay low, staying in Sunnydale for you. To even catch another glimpse of you.

He became increasingly besotted with you. A small grain of affection growing into a vast and deeply rooted feeling of love.

After a while of accidentally bumping into him late at night, you realised Spike had moved back permanently. He was often found hanging around the place you had started renting after you moved out of Giles’ when you realised that this wasn’t a temporary stay in Sunnydale. He pretended he had been looking for you, saying that there was a gang of vampires that had taken over the east side of Sunnydale and that Buffy was busy with something else. He suggested that you both checked it out seeing as Giles had in fact determined, and now told you, that you were a potential. A slayer-in-training.

Spike drove you both. The car smelt of cigarette smoke and as if he had spilled an entire bottle of jack on the back seat. The whole way there he tried impressing you with how evil he was, despite the fact he was out doing Buffy’s job. You pointed this out to him, not wanting to upset him but because it was a valid point. He explained it was the principle of the thing, he wasn’t turning good. Not for anything. 

You were fond of him, and he loved everything about you. How caring you were. How sweet your smile was to him. How you knew so much about being in a time you’re not really from. He found you were incredibly easy to talk to, having now poured his heart out on more than one occasion. Another thing is that often, he didn’t feel the need to talk - he just wanted to hear you talk about everything and anything.

This was what you were doing on the car journey. You were explaining about music apps and how you could have all of your music, not just the beat up cassette tapes Spike had littering his car, on one tiny device. He listened, fascinated about everything you would tell him of the future.

You parked up and waited in the car a while, waiting for any sign of this illusive vampire gang. 

After a while, Spike turned the heat up a little, noticing you were cold. He slipped his duster off, not making eye contact as he offered it to you. You smiled and took it, but then realised what the gesture could mean. You slipped it on, bundling it around you the best you could before looking back to him wit ha little furrow on your brow.

“Is, uh, this a date Spike?” you ask finally, not able to stop yourself grinning at his reaction. 

“What?! No! Uh, unless you… y’know… wanted it to be?” He muttered, noting your smile. It made him melt. You nodded confirmation, a small smile. You’d love a date with him. He nodded, mirroring you. Then you both stared ahead of you, not sure what else to say. You were overthinking it now. 

A date with a human?

A date with a vampire?!

But when your eyes met again, none of it mattered. You grinned, reaching your hand to lay on top of his. Squeezing slightly, giving him that sweet smile he loved so much.

You were supposed to be predator and prey and yet it was nothing like this. Neither of you could deny your feelings. He couldn’t lie and say he magically didn’t think about the way your blood would taste, but he never wanted to hurt you. It was almost physical, he ached for you to be happy.

He moved to look back at you in the passenger seat and couldn’t help smiling, although it ended up on the other side of his face when the vampires you had been looking for found you instead. They had been real and not made up as an excuse to talk to you. You had fought together, perfectly in sync with the other, having each other’s backs on instinct. It was the best first date you had both ever had, ending in a passionate kiss as the last remnants of vamp-dust fell to the ground.

After months of researching the prophecy of the ‘Future one’ that Giles decided had to be you, you had also become Spike’s girlfriend. This was on the down-low to begin with, Spike was definitely seen as evil and not just because he had done a deal with some questionable demons in order to make some money and hoped to get the chance to kill Buffy at the same time. You navigated your relationship around this, trying to steer him and Buffy out of each other’s way the best that you could. 

Spike stalked in, blood smeared around his mouth that he wiped off with his shirt sleeve, trying to look at least a little presentable when he realised you were waiting up for him.

He softened when he saw you sleepily cuddled on the sofa, the glare of the tv lighting up your face. Coming back to see you was heaven, if he believed in any of that stuff. You made this crypt a home and coming back to have you waiting in the early morning was bliss. He wanted you to move in, but you kept your apartment for appearances in front of the Scoobies. 

He moved to you, cupping your cheek and pulling you in for a kiss. It was soft and slow, but full of meaning - as if he was sucking the soul from you. Replacing it with his love. His promise that souls didn’t matter when it was love.

“What was that for?” The meaning behind his kiss almost waking you up completely. Knocking the breath from your lungs. The sleep from your eyes. Eyes a little wider, smile a little brighter. 

“I love you, pet” he shrugged, sitting beside you on the sofa.

“I love you too, even though you taste suspiciously like the red-stuff” You can’t help still smiling sleepily. He sat beside you on the sofa, allowing you to settle in beside him. He let you lay against him and you snuggle into his side as he wrapped an arm around you. His soft whispers match the soothing caress as he rubbed your arm as you started to drift into sleep. You felt so safe with him.

You would never have guessed that not an hour before this vampire had been terrorising humans, draining them and taunting them. He of course never told you that was what he did, and he could never for a second imagine hurting you that way, but you had suspicions and you tried your best to not bring it up or ask him to try animal blood.

You trusted him, for better or for worse. By this time, you had been dating for almost a year and a half, for the most part hidden from the others. Willow knew, being the most understanding of the group. Anya had her suspicions but the others weren’t aware.

A while after all of your friends found out about your relationship with Spike (they had walked in on you both in a compromising position that no amount of excuses could explain), you got a call from Giles. He had still been looking up a way for you to go home and he had finally found one. 

It was time for you to choose. Between the prophecy and going back to the future.

“Y/n, I’ve found it! You may go home” he offered, an aged scroll and a tablet with runes carved on it in his hands. You stared, in shock. You knew what this meant. It meant you could go back home to your family. Your friends. Your life before you met them all.

“I, uh…” you just stared. Things had been rocky for a while, you had been under suspicion for your relationship with Spike when they had found out, but everything had been getting back to normal now. You had barely thought about returning to 2020. You had made a life here.

“You do not have to do anything with this, y/n. You may, ah, wish to think about it. Or I could put these to one side if you ever did in the future want to go back. But I will be the first to say that you are one of us. None of us will take any pleasure in saying goodbye” Giles knew your fears, that the group would want you to leave because of your relationship with Spike. They weren’t pleased with it, but the arguments were over now. Everyone was still fond of you.

“Thanks, Giles. Can we keep this between us for now?” You asked and he nodded, hiding everything away safely until it was needed. 

Since that talk with Giles, Spike noticed you had been off with him. He tried asking, but you had snapped and he had become irritated. You had stormed away in the middle of the day so that he couldn’t follow you, avoiding an argument. You took your time coming back, having to think over everything. Should you go back to 2020 or stay in Sunnydale (with perhaps a perilous prophecy to fulfil).

When you returned, you told him everything. An honesty you both had tried to maintain throughout your relationship. You poured your fears, your apprehension and then he looked in your eyes, took your hands and offered you another option. an option you had never even considered until now. Your eyes widened, could he really love you that much?

“You’ll never be able to go back, love. Think about it. I’ll understand if you’d rather try to look for that portal again to get back home” “I love you and I want you to stay here... with me” He finally said it. What you were hoping for him to say. Your grin spread across your face, nothing would have taken it from you. This moment, it was special.

“I want this, Spike. I want you” You confirmed, “You are home to me”

“You think you can handle an eternity with me?”

“I can give it a try at least” You smiled as he rolled his eyes.

He stared into your eyes, testing if you were serious before casting his gaze back to your neck. He could feel the steady beat, your trust in him. 

He leaned in, you braced yourself. He held your head back, cradling it. His mouth lingered despite his lusting for your blood. His face shifted, fangs now protruding from his mouth, the same eyes now a different colour scanning the unmarked skin there.

It was as if in slow motion. He whispered his affections for you, landing a soft kiss on your pulse point before his jaw opened. He moved in, teeth starting to pierce your flesh. You winced, hissing slightly and he paused but your hands moved and you nodded your continuing consent. He continued to intake your blood, swallowing the thick viscous liquid as if it were his last meal on this plain. 

When he managed to pull away, he sliced his palm, offering you your first taste of his blood. You gladly accepted, licking the cut before sucking hungrily. You pulled his hand closer to your mouth as he stroked the back of your head with his other hand. Your eyes darkened, wanting him, wanting to be filled with his blood. With anything he wanted to give you and offering your soul in return. Your soul was his to take.

This was forever. Bound by the love coursing through your veins. This was big for him, he had never sired anyone romantically before and he knew he never would again. This was a bond he only wanted with you. He loved you so much, to have you by his side was a gift to you both. 

You drank until your body slumped and he had to hold you up. Taking on your weight, laying you down on his bed. lovingly placing the covers over you. He lay himself beside you, on his side facing you, over the bedclothes. He stroked your cheek, it was as if you were sleeping. But you had no heart beat. You weren’t breathing. Your skin was hardening, marble-like. He smiled at this, a thumb gliding across your cheekbone.

He wasn’t grieving, he was in anticipation. Hoping your kindness, charm and laid-back nature wasn’t lost during the process. This had gone wrong for him before and he was desperate for all of the human qualities to be with you during your reawakening. 

After what felt like an age, your eyes opened and the first thing you saw were his sparkling blue eyes staring back. The smile on your lips mirrored his as your face shifted for the first time. Elongated fangs and a ridged forehead were now the new addition to your features, and he loved you more for it.

“I never would have thought… after everything” you sighed, having woken up from what felt like a sleeping-beauty style 100 year sleep. You thought about where you had come from. How you had met, how he had threatened you, how the Scoobies - your friends - had reacted to your relationship with Spike. It had all been worth it to be here with him like this.

Your joints were stiff, your senses heightened. But your love for him was just as deep as it was before. Your genuine nature bruised a little, maybe grazed but not removed from you the way some vampires appeared to have their good qualities surgically taken. 

“Well, the Powers-that-bloody-don’t have a funny way of working things out” he shrugged, not able to stop himself smiling that it was really still you. 

“Now, come on pet, I want to show you the afterlife properly” He smirked, pulling you up from bed to follow him, about to show you the joys of the hunt. He could tell you would be hungry, he was ready to show you everything. He was so pleased he had truly found someone that loved him the same way he loved them. Someone he could cherish, that would cherish him in return. Someone he could hold long into the day and not worry about some other vampire coming along and catching your eye. You were both in deep. And happily so.

This was the start of your un-life together. Little did either of you know, in a couple of months time, Spike would no longer be able to kill a living thing. A chip would be embedded  into his brain. You would stay by his side, a precarious truce with the others still. Your soul almost intact, but never quite in the room. Your love for him would never die, even through the tough times that were coming. 

Your prophecy something you would have to encounter eventually, but you could both face anything as long as you were together. Bound together for an eternity.

[saoirse-ronan]

lights will guide you home

title: lights will guide you home fandom: wonder woman, dccu pairing: steve trevor x diana prince  rating: t summary: he falls half in love with her the first time he sees her skate.

(a wondertrev college au: in which steve trevor, a player on his university's club hockey team, helps run the school's ice rink when it's open to the public in december.  he expects it to be another boring year, until he meets a figure skater who just might change his life.)

read on archive of our own

author’s note: hi! this fic was written for @bearholdingashark as part of the wondertrev secret santa gift exchange run by ​@wondertrevnet

ice skating is my favorite holiday activity, but because of covid i haven't been able to go :/  so i decided the best way to make up for it would be to write a fic where out lovelies skate!

this was fun to write! hope you like it, jen!

xoxo, rebekah

lights will guide you home

He’s never excited to work the skate rental booth, even though he’s had to do it for the past three years.  Since he’s on his college’s club hockey team, he’s obligated to help run the school ice rink, along with his teammates, once it opens to the public come December.  He always picks handing out skates.  It’s the most boring, for sure, but it’s also the easiest - that means he can study for finals at the same time.  So while the other guys fight over who gets to drive the zamboni, he quietly and dutifully signs up for the skate rental booth, and leaves.

He also always signs up for early afternoon shifts; hardly anyone is there on the weekdays, which, again, means more time for studying.  He doesn’t expect this fourth year to be any different.

Except when he arrives at noon on December 1st, there are about ten kids already skating around on the ice, their parents sitting in a cluster in the stands, talking and taking pictures on their phones.

“What’s up with all the kids?” he asks Eleanor - one of the rink custodians he’s come to recognize over the years - who’s sweeping around the rental booth.  He throws his backpack on the counter as the older woman pauses her work and leans on her broom.  She smiles gently as she looks out at the ice.

“One of the girls in the figure skating club wanted to give free lessons this year.  So you’ll have some entertainment this year.”

He motions to his backpack.

“Brought my entertainment with me.”

“Well, this entertainment might be more entertaining, and I heard,” she says, moving her hand beside her mouth so she can fake-whisper in his direction, “it might be a little easier on the eyes, too.”

He rolls his eyes, and Eleanor laughs.

“Are you going to try and set me up with someone every year?”

Last year she’d convinced a young woman who brought her niece skating on a regular basis to go over and talk to him.  It had been hmms and yeahs and awkward pauses and forced laughs and had, decidedly, gone nowhere.

“I can only try, Steve.  Don’t study too hard, okay?” she calls over her shoulder as she walks away.

He gives her a thumbs up in confirmation, and then sits down and gets out his books.  He’s just about to put in headphones so he can drown out the Christmas music that plays throughout the arena at this time of year with some music of his own, but hears one of the heavy metal doors to the rink open noisily before he can hit play.  A loud but melodic voice rings out in the almost-empty building.

“I’m here!  Sorry I’m late!”

A young woman rushes in, racing past his table and throwing her bag in the bleachers, moving in such a hurry that he doesn’t get a good look at her until she takes the ice, gliding onto the slippery surface with ease.

Apart from her white skates and a deep purple scarf and matching gloves, she’s dressed in all black, long dark hair pulled into a messy ponytail.  She’s tall - taller than most figure skaters he knows - and lean, but she’s strong.  She must be, given her sport, but he can also tell in the way she’s carrying herself on the ice.  He can’t see her full face - only her side profile - but he can tell she’s beautiful.

The children flock to her easily, a couple tripping in their eagerness to get to her.  She skates over and helps them up.  Then, she tells the children to circle around her - in that same melodic voice - and turns.

When he sees her face, looks into her deep brown eyes, his jaw goes slack.

She’s beautiful, undoubtedly.  More than beautiful, he decides.  Breathtaking.  He literally stops breathing for a moment, and his next inhale is a shaky one as his heartbeat speeds up.

Their gazes are still connected, so he notices when her eyes go from kind to questioning.  He has a strange urge to get up and go to her, to take her hand and ask her gently what was wrong, when her voice sounds again.

“Is everything okay?  Do I need to sign in or something?”

Shit, I’m staring.

He’s staring like an idiot and he pulls his headphones out of his ears and briefly pretends to read the textbook in front of him before answering.

“Oh, uh, no.  No, you’re fine.  I just...I’ve never seen you before...around here.”

“Oh,” she says, still staring at him strangely, but now looking amused rather than confused.  She smiles, and his thumping heart skips a beat.  “I’m giving lessons at noon on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays this December.”

It takes a moment to smile back, but when he does, he sees her relax a bit.

“Yeah, yeah.  I, uh, figured,” he answers, stupidly, still stumbling over his words like an idiot.

She smiles once more, and then turns back to the kids around her.

“Okay guys!  Who’s ready to learn to skate?”

A chorus of tiny voices answer her, and she skates to the middle of the ice surrounded by her small students.  He watches, mesmerized, as she begins to move with all the seamless, effortless grace in the world.  Studying is all but forgotten, and the beginnings of an enchanted smile turn up the corner of his lips.

“I told you it would be easy on the eyes, didn’t I?” a voice says from somewhere behind him.

“Shut up, Eleanor,” he says, still watching her, and the old custodian laughs.

* * *

He spends his weekend trying to muster up the courage to talk to her.  It’s like every cliché movie ever; he stands in his bathroom and talks to himself in the mirror, trying to think of smooth lines and cool looks.  He had looked like an idiot last Monday, and kept his sights on his books and avoided any more eye contact with her on Wednesday and Friday.

But it was a new week, a new day.  And he couldn’t blow it again.  He wouldn’t, he thought confidently as he rushed into the ice rink.  It didn’t even matter that he was ten minutes late.  He had practiced.

Since he’s late, she and the kids are already on the ice.  He sits down at the rental booth and pulls out his books, making a conscious effort to not look at her.  He doesn’t want to seem too eager.  Playing it cool was of paramount importance.  He even puts in his headphones, and presses play on his phone.  The soothing music he uses to study begins to ring in his ears.

He opens one of his textbooks, and begins to read…

...And the next thing he’s aware of is the pound of a firm knock on the table in front of him.  His eyes snap open, and he jumps slightly, disoriented and groggy.

He had fallen asleep.

He stayed up late the night before, completing study guides and endlessly highlighting his notes as he crammed for finals.  He only got about four hours of sleep, but he thought he would be fine.

Apparently, he wasn’t.  And now he had fallen asleep, and missed her, and now Eleanor was waking him up to tell him his shift was over or to tease him about sleeping on the job and - 

“Steve?”

The sound of his name wakes him up even more, and his heart leaps when he realizes that it’s not Eleanor’s voice calling to him.  Instead, it’s the melodic one he’d first heard a week ago.

He looks up, and there she is.  Her beautiful eyes stare down at him, the expression on her face puzzled but slightly amused.

“Steve?” she asks again, when he doesn’t say anything.  “Steve Trevor, right?”

And he almost kicks himself.  He’d been caught staring again, and he can feel his cheeks begin to warm as he blushes in embarrassment.

No, he tells himself.  Not again.  Pull yourself together.  You fucking practiced.

He quickly tries to think of something to say, his brain reminding him to play it cool on loop.

“How...how do you know my name?”

God, he’s so bad at this.

“Oh,” she says, lifting her hand and pointing her thumb over her shoulder.  “That nice custodian woman told it to me.  Eleanor, I think she said her name was?”

He sits up straighter so he can look past her body, and sees Eleanor by the doors to the locker rooms, waving at him cheerfully with a big smile on her face.  He resists the urge to roll his eyes, looking back up at the young woman in front of him and smiling.

“Yeah, I’m Steve. Nice to meet you.  It’s been fun watching you with the kids.”

Better, he thinks.  A little better.

She smiles brightly at the mention of her student.

“Yes, they’re wonderful.  I’m having an amazing time with them.”

“Well, they seem to love you.  You’re a great teacher.”

“Why, thank you, Steve Trevor,” she answers, her smile turning more gentle and kind.  “You’ve only seen me teach for three days, though.”

“Four, now.”

“Ah, but you slept through the fourth day,” she reminds him, and his skin flushes again.

She laughs at his lack of response, and again, his heart skips a beat.  He can’t help but smile.

“Yeah, I guess I did.”

They fall silent, and he’s briefly reminded of that girl Eleanor tried to set him up with last year, and all the awkward lurches and pauses that made up that conversation.  This silence is different, though.  It doesn’t make him nervous or uncomfortable, and he’s not scrambling for a way out of the interaction.

Instead, it feels warm.  Somehow familiar, even though this is the first time they’ve ever spoken.  And as they stare at each other, her chocolate eyes gazing into his ice blue ones, his smile grows.

“I was wondering if I could skate one of my programs while I was here,” she murmurs.  “I have a test tonight, so I’ll miss my normal practice time.”

“Doesn’t seem like you’ll be disturbing anyone,” he says, motioning with his hand to the empty arena.

She laughs again, and he decides that it’s his new favorite sound.

“Thank you, Steve,” she tells him, and turns toward the ice.

“Wait!” he says, getting up from his booth and catching up with her.  “Do you want me to play your music over the loudspeaker?”

Her eyes brighten.

“Could you?  I was just going to use my phone, but that would be a lot better.”

“Sure.  Just show me which track.”

She hands him her phone, and points it out to him.  He grins.

“Hey, I know that song.”

She hums softly, and begins to walk again.

“Maybe,” she tells him as she steps out onto the ice, turning back to face him.  “But I don’t think you’ve ever heard this version.”

She begins to skate backwards away from him, but his voice rings out again.

“I don’t know your name!”

“Diana,” she calls back to him, without stopping.  “Diana Prince.”

“Diana,” he whispers, as he watches her skate away.

* * *

He falls half in love with her the first time he sees her skate.

The moment she begins to move to the first notes of the piano, she is the embodiment of elegance and grace.  He rushes from the media booth and back down to the ice so he can get a closer look.  Even through the glass, he can see emotion she puts into every moment of her performance, watches as the expression on her face changes as the music speeds up, as the mood shifts.

Then, the music slows, and becomes softer.  She glides as if she’s one with both the ice and the music.  And when the music speeds up again, and becomes more intense, so does she.  Her jumps and twirls seem effortless, as she lands each one with a gentle precision.

He can’t look away.  The entire arena is filled with her performance - with her effort and emotion and heart and skill - and he’s enchanted by her.

When she’s done, and holds her final pose at the center of the ice as the music comes to an end, he realizes he’s been holding his breath.  He exhales slowly, and then takes a deep breath in.

Eleanor starts clapping from somewhere else in the building.  She finally breaks from her pose, and looks over at her, smiling.

But all he can do is stare after her, mouth slightly open.

It’s only when she begins to get off the ice that he gathers himself.  And he makes a decision.

He doesn’t care if he looks like an idiot, or if he’s being too obvious.  He’s done trying to play it cool.

He can’t go another day without knowing her better.

He walks to where she’s standing over her gym bag, looking for her shoes.  He taps her on the shoulder, acutely aware that this is the first time they’ve ever touched.

“Diana?”

She jumps slightly, and turns to look at him.  She doesn’t say anything, though.  It’s as if she knows why he’s here, and what he’s going to ask her.

“Will you get dinner with me Friday?”

She grins, her smile wider and brighter than he’s ever seen it.

“It would be an honor, Steve Trevor.”

She reaches up to where his finger still lingers on her shoulder, and places her hand over his.

* * *

The other half of him falls in love with her the first time they skate together.

After their third date, he asks her to teach him how to skate.

“I thought you played hockey,” she tells him.  “You already know how to skate.”

“Yeah, but I can’t skate like you,” he counters.  “And since we already know you’re such a good teacher…”

She smiles as they walk around campus, looking at all the Christmas lights the school has put up, hand in hand.

“I know I’m not as cute as your other students - “

“I beg to differ,” she interrupts.  “And would argue that sometimes, you’re even cuter.”

He blushes, and she laughs.

So they break into the arena. (Well, not technically.  He does have a key to the rink.)  It’s around midnight when they get there, after everyone has already left for the evening.  He gets them both skates out of the booth, and as they lace them up, she laughs.

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to teach you to skate in those things.”

“Hey,” he says, frowning.  “Don’t knock my skates.”

He does have to admit, though, that there’s a marked aesthetic difference between his clunky, black hockey skates and her delicate, white figure skates.

“Come on,” she says, standing up and taking his hand so he came with her.  “I might still be able to work my magic.”

They glide to the center of the ice, and she begins positioning his body, immediately going into teacher-mode.  He thinks it’s absolutely adorable.  She says she’s going to teach him a simple upright spin, but he has to admit that he’s not paying much attention because he can’t focus with her hands all over his body - on his hips, legs, chest, lower back, as she moves him in all sorts of directions.  He can only take it so long before he pulls back from her.

She looks at him questioningly.

“Steve, what are you - “

He skates forward slightly, and kisses her.

He kisses her, and at first he’s worried he’s made a mistake because her lips remain still, but then she moans softly against his mouth, and melts into him.  She throws her arms around her neck, and when his tongue swipes across her bottom lips she parts her mouth readily.

It’s his favorite kiss he’s ever had.  And he doesn’t know how long they stay there like that, kissing and holding each other, but they break apart only when they have to, and breathe against each other heavily.  They’re silent for a moment, but there’s a comfort in it, just like there was that day he first saw her skate.

“I thought you wanted to learn how to skate,” she says finally, jokingly.

“I do,” he ensures her.  “But I think I want to do this a little more right now.”

She giggles, and the sound warms him from head to toe.

“I think we’re in agreement there,” she murmurs.

They smile and stare at each other, him pulling her impossibly closer, and her running her fingers gently down the side of his face.

And in that moment, he knows he loves her.  The feeling consumes him, and he almost blurts it out right there.  But he decides to keep it to himself for now, for it to be a happy secret that lives inside his heart.  And instead, he does the thing he wants to do most in the world.

He leans forward, and kisses her again.

a/n: the song diana is skating to is the mashup of paradise and fix you by coldplay that maia and alex shibutani skated to for their long dance at the pyeongchang olympics.  i strongly suggest you look it up if you've never seen it or heard it!  not only will it give you a more complete idea of the fic, but it's a beautiful song and an extraordinarily beautiful program.

merry christmas to all who celebrate!  i hope all of you have a wonderful holiday season!

[itzagothamcitysiren]

There’s Only Us Left Now

Well, well, well, look who decided to come back to the land of the living. Lol, yeah I kinda just dissapeared for a couple of months. Honestly my mental health just wasn’t where it should be and I’m still trying to get better. This whole year has just been really really rough on me, like it has been on so many others. 

A week ago, my work got hit pretty bad with covid and I’m out with it for the time being. I’m feeling a little bit better than I was before and in my isolation I looked back to this story and actually felt the urge to write again.  

I can’t promise constant updates cause I’m just not sure how I’ll be feeling and how busy I’ll be once I’m back at work since we’re going to be short so many people now. But I can promise you that I had so much planned for this character and story and I really don’t want to just leave it where I left it. 

So if there’s still anyone out there who cares or wants to jump in, thanks for being here and taking time to read this <3

I Had a Dream I Was a Vigilante’s Side Kick pt. 5

           Halley had been tapping her fingers away mindlessly against her knee. It was pulled up to and held to her chest, kept in place by her other arm. Her other leg was stretch out, toes curling as her face scrunched up in discomfort. She bit the outside of her lip, dragging her teeth side to side against it as she tried to keep her mouth shut. She snapped her eyes closed as she felt Sam’s fingers drag through another section of hair. Her friend pulled on it, tugging it back and furthering her progress in the braid she formed on Halley’s head.

           “Ow.” Halley couldn’t hold it anymore. She’d felt far more intense pain before in her life but there was just something about the way Sam’s nail pulled the strands of hair. She repeated herself again as Sam pulled her head back again, “Ow.”

           “Oh please, you big baby.” Sam waved her off, coming to the end of the braid. She reached to the side, bringing Halley’s head with her. She stretched her hand out and grabbed the hair tie that sat on the side table near their bunk beds. Sam moved back in her seat on the bottom bunk and Halley’s place on the floor in front of her. She tied off the braid, patting Halley’s head when she was done. “See, all done.”

           “Do I have any hair left?” Halley joked, reaching up to pat her own head as well.

           “Ha, ha.” Sam faked a laugh as she stood up. Stepping over the brunette, she made her way to their shared closet. She began to rack through the clothes trying to find the best outfit for the night. She pulled out a dress and examined it before turning to look at Halley. “What are you wearing?” She asked, putting the dress back in the closet.

           Halley stood up, giving her foot a shake as it had fallen asleep from sitting on the floor. She shrugged, moving to grab the flannel from the desk chair. She tied it around her waist and then reached for Jason’s leather jacket. She motioned to her body.

           “Really? That’s it?” Sam rolled her eyes. She then pouted, “I just did your hair all nice.”

           “I’m not going to dress up.” Halley chuckled and moved to grab her combat boots.

           “But-,” The girl was cut off by a rapid knock on the door. She perked up, abandoning the closet and moving to the door. “That must be Dylan and the guys.” She said excitedly.

           Halley rolled her own eyes at the girl’s excitement. She was acting as if this was the first college party they were attending. Although Halley shouldn’t be that surprised, Sam got this way before every party they’ve ever attended together. She turned to grab her bag as her friend answered the door, waiting for their room to be barraged by their friends in seconds and her moment without any chaos to be over.

           “Hi gu-, erm, who are you?” Sam’s high pitched voice changed, deflating into a soft and questioning one.

           Halley picked her head up at Sam’s tone, feeling alert on instinct. She craned her head to see the doorway and frowned. Her eyebrows narrowed and her face harshened. She dropped her bag and marched to the door. Being a little harder than intended, Halley pushed Sam out of the way. Halley now stood face to face with someone she thought she’d never see again. There in front of her stood Tim Drake.

           “What the hell are you doing here?” She spat, glaring down at him.

           “I need your help!” He exclaimed, his voice echoing off the hallway walls.

           “I told you no. Now get out of here.” She barked back, gripping the door firmly and prepared to slam it shut.

           Tim stopped her, pushing back on the door with all his might.  He let out a gruff grunt as she fought back, only succeeding thanks to Halley’s friend distracting her by calling out her name in confusion. Tim pushed harder managing to shove the door open and making Halley stumble a few paces back. Once he made his past the threshold he closed the door behind him with both hands, letting out a deep breath as he did. He turned around and took in the appearance of both girls.

           Halley heaved her chest up and down in annoyance and frustration. Her hands were gripped into fists and hung on both sides of her body.  Her shoulders slumped forwards tensely as her big brown eyes narrowed into slits at him. Tim nervously gulped and looked at the other girl. She stared at him in confusion before turning to her friend and giving her the same look. She looked back to Tim, and then back to Halley, looking between them until finally being the knife to cut the tension.

           “So who’s you’re friend?” Sam’s voice sang out breaking the tension between the two. She motioned to Tim with her hand, placing the other behind her neck and rubbed it awkwardly.

           “He’s not a friend!” Halley snapped.

           “Look I just really need your help!” Tim snapped right back, the look on his face causing Halley to look at him seriously. She squinted at him as his face only showed worry. “Oswald Cobblepot has my dad and it’s all my fault.”

           Halley’s eyes widened. She looked back at Sam and wished she wasn’t here. She bit the inside of her cheek as she rushed to think of what to do. She knew this kid was trouble from the moment they met. She had hoped that she’d be done with him the moment she passed the information on to Bruce but now here she was. She swiped her arm out and pointed to the bed, ordering him to sit.

           “Explain.”

           And Tim did. He told her everything. He told her how he hacked into Cobblepot’s funds. And he told her how when he showed up to his home after school that he found the place trashed and his mother in tears because Cobblepot’s goons took his father. Once he let it all out he found himself needing to catch his breath. He looked up from Halley to Sam, both girls wearing different expressions.

           The dark skinned girl looked utterly lost and it was then when Tim realized that she was completely clueless about who Halley was. That was way she was so desperate to get him out of her hair. And that must’ve been why Halley was shooting him murderous daggers with her eyes. He shifted on the bed, hearing it creak as he moved. Neither he nor Halley made any attempt to speak next, causing Sam to be the only brave on in the room.

           “This is a job for the police. Halley, we need to call them. Or Dick. Sure, he’s not in Gotham but he can help.” She offered, unclear as to why this kid would go to her about this. She was still unclear about how he even knew Halley. He spoke as if he assumed she knew.

           “Were you followed?” Halley ignored Sam. If Tim’s mother was left with instructions to not go to the police then that meant not too. This was Gotham and Cobblepot probably already paid off the police to warn him if they got any calls in from the Drake’s.

           “No.” Tim responded just as a knock was heard from the dorm room’s door.

           “That must be the guys,” Sam noted, almost hesitant and shaky. It was apparent they wouldn’t be going to the party tonight. As she made her way to the door, she was stopped by a firm grip above her elbow. She looked down at the hand and followed it up to the owner’s face. Halley’s had loosened up a lot over the years but she was always quite serious compared to her friend but Sam had never seen her face so fixed before.  Halley tugged her back from the door stepping in front of her. Sam looked at her questioningly and almost fearfully. “Halley?”

           The girl remained silent, softly walking towards the door. The boys didn’t just knock. They would rap against the door with their fists, loudly announcing their arrival. You’d be able to hear them the next hall over with their brash and vulgar chatter. That was just one singular knock. She pressed her cheek to the door, pushing her ear against it to hear what was going on the on the other side.

‘Click’, ‘Click’, ‘Click’,

           “Hide!” She pushed Sam backwards towards the closet. She cursed just as the door was kicked open. She faced it just as quickly as she had turned away, kicking back at the door and slamming it back shut to give herself one more second.

           “Now!” she ordered them.

           As Sam stumbled backwards, the door was kicked open again, this time off its hinges and narrowly missing Halley. Tim’s eyes widened, unable to find a hiding spot in time and took cover underneath the nearby desk. He looked up as two men entered the room, guns in their hands, loaded and cocked. The first man locked eyes on him, aiming the gun.

           He never stood a chance. He was a Cobblepot goon and Halley could easily wipe the floor with them. As the gun was raised, Halley didn’t hesitate, jumping into action, ignoring the sudden sounds of shouts and calls for alarm out in the halls. Halley outstretched an arm, using it to push the gun up to point at the ceiling as it was shot. Using her other hand, she extended her hand, using the hard part of her palm to punch the man in the nose. She smirked at the long heard, yet familiar sound of bone cracking.

           With the hand holding the gun she tightened her grip and twisted, causing the man to cry out and his wrist to snap. She knew she was going to hard and she knew she’d have to think of a way to explain this but she was in hyper mood. She had to protect Sam and she had to protect Tim Drake.

           As the man was unable to grasp the gun, letting it drop to the floor, she maneuvered him around. Locking her left leg in between his and around one, she used the force and angle to drop him to the floor. She quickly dodged, as the second man finally caught up. He took a warning shot, but she was already ducked down. The window shattered as the bullet met the glass. Sam’s scream of shock and fear echoed off the walls alongside with it, causing Halley to reach for the first goon’s gun on the floor. She wasn’t taking anything chances.

           But the girl who wasn’t hesitant ended up hesitating. The cold metal felt heavy and not from the weight. She swore she’d never use one of these things again but here she was. As she took aim she saw her father and then worst of all she saw Jason flicker across her mind. Grunting she quickly shifted up the safety and rolled is across the room towards Tim.

           “Don’t use it! Don’t let anyone touch it!” She barked as she pushed herself up from her crouching position near the man she took down.

           She shifted to the side, avoiding another bullet that now lodged itself into the floor. She did feel one graze her arm but she ignored it. It was as if she pounced on the man, easily disarming him and bashing he head against the doorframe and affectively knocking him out. She huffed, hearing the common of students panicking out in the dormitory halls and then the distant sound of police sirens.  

           Her head whipped around at the sound of the first man getting up and making his way towards Tim and the gun. Sam let out a warning cry, gripping onto clothes hanging up around her for comfort. It was then when Halley noticed she was crying and when she noticed Tim frozen in his place. She rushed over, picking up the chair her flannel had been resting on only minutes ago. She cried out as she brought down the chair onto the goon, mashing it and leaving him in the same state as his companion.

           She was breathing heavily, looking down at the man as she tried to collect herself. She looked up as the sound of sirens got louder. Fuck, she thought. She couldn’t trust the police. And she couldn’t waist time trying to think of a way to explain this. She grabbed Tim forcefully and ripped the gun out of his hand before placing it in her jacket’s pocket, glad that it were big enough to conceal the gun. With Tim standing she pushed him towards the door before making her way to Sam, a tad bit more gently. The girl was clearly in shock but now was the time for Halley to coddle.  

           “I need you to breathe for me okay?” She said, making a gesture mimicking a breathing technique her father once taught her. Sam tried, but failed but it was good enough for Halley at the moment. She guided her out of the closet and towards Tim. She reached for her phone as well as her keys and wallet, shoving them in her free pocket. She turned back to Sam, placing a hand on the small of her back before grabbing her hand. “Don’t ask any questions, don’t speak; we need to get out of here, got it?”

           Sam’s lips trembled as they stepped over the man still resting in between the threshold. Tim kept up pace, nodding along with Halley’s instructions. The former assassin and sidekick led them out into the hallway, noting how it’d been pretty much evacuated already. The cops would most likely take the main stairs and elevators, not knowing what Halley was capable and she knew for a fact that the cops showing up would be bought and payed for by Cobblepot. They got here way to quick, they knew what was going to happen. She headed down the back stairwell, the one used for janitorial staff and emergencies, knowing that that would be the safest bet.

           “Let’s go.”

[thedefinitionofendgame]

Love Is Enough

Surrera and Station 19 family multi-chap | Rated T | Canon-compliant

*spoilers for season 4 of station 19*

A/N: we all knew I was going to write a fic about the s4 finale after it ended the way it did. I am very upset at the writers for portraying Sullivan in the way they did—they did him dirty 110%. anyways, that’s where I come in with a fix-it fic. while all events that took place in the finale did happen prior to the start of this fic, that’s where similarities end. this is how Surrera makes it back to each other and how Sullivan makes it up to the team. also cute marina scenes because they’re married now (the only good part of the finale)

•

You can read this work on ao3 as well ; Prequel fic for Code Red

Written & cover by @thedefinitionofendgame

Chapter 1 - I Don't Know How

Andy was beginning to regret sleeping on the couch. When she had moved into Sullivan’s place after their marriage, she wasn’t so sure about a brown leather couch that had stiff rectangle sides. It turned out to be a good couch for movie watching and pretty sturdy for sex, but sleeping was a whole different story. Especially after seven days of this.

Sullivan—her husband but she had resorted to calling him only by his last name when she was mad—had told her that she could sleep in their bed and that he’d take the couch. But Andy was too angry to accept any pity from him. She could barely look at him, and wished she could just sleep at the station. However, with everything happening, the station was worse than sleeping in the same house as him. A traitor to her, her station 19 family and most of all to her best friend Maya. While it was out of respect for her best friend that she was angry at Sullivan, she was also just pissed off that he would try yet again to move up the ranks fast. Who on Earth ever thought that was a good idea? Clearly not Sullivan, because if he had stopped that thought for a goddamn moment, he wouldn’t have tried to swoop in and take Maya’s job.

“Stupid vulture,” Andy muttered under her breath, as she rolled over two inches and ended up off the couch. He was vulture-like; swooping in and stealing something that wasn’t his. Vultures ate dead animals on the sides of roads and Sullivan moving in after Maya’s captaincy job went up in flames, was really no different. Yes, Andy quite liked her new comparison of her husband to a vulture.

Unfortunately, Sullivan walked downstairs at that moment to see her smirking. “Something funny?” He asked, in the husky voice that he used only in the morning before his coffee. Ugh, she needed to take her mind off that immediately.

“No.” Andy refused to meet his gaze. Picking up the blanket she had stolen off their bed, she moved to climb the stairs. “I am going to take a shower and get ready. You better be out of this house by the time I return downstairs.”

Sullivan sighed. He had tried for the past week to try to get his wife to hear him out, but she wasn’t having it. He knew how stubborn and headstrong she was, although he never thought she would ever use it for longer than a couple hours on him. After day two, Sullivan found out he was very wrong. So he just begrudgingly agreed to whatever she told him. “Alright. You do know we could drive together? Save money on gas.”

“There is no way I’m sitting in the same car with you for the twenty minute drive to work. I can barely be in the same room as you for two.” With a final swish of her hair over her shoulder, she climbed the stairs and slammed their bedroom door behind her.

Sighing louder this time, Sullivan poured himself a coffee and leaned against the kitchen counter to drink it. He could hear the water start upstairs and he wished that he and Andy weren’t fighting. For reasons other than sex, of course. But his mind couldn’t help but wander because on a regular day he would’ve chased her to the bathroom and had his way with her. Clearly that wasn’t going to happen for a very long time now. Knowing he had better be gone by the time Andy got out of the shower, Sullivan quickly downed his coffee, grabbed his keys, wallet and phone, then left wondering if it was always going to be like this. He sure hoped not.

»«

When she emerged from the shower in a cloud of steam, Andy listened at the door for movement and wondered if Sullivan had actually left or not. She stepped outside of the bedroom but was met with silence. Andy silently thanked her husband for leaving; he had finally taken the hint that she didn’t want to hear his excuses. What he had done was unforgivable, and frankly Andy didn’t know if she would ever be able to look at him the same way. He really thought that it would be possible to justify his actions after everything that happened. Maybe Maya losing her job had been inevitable, yet it was not inevitable for Sullivan to volunteer himself for the captaincy position.

Andy thought she knew her husband. She thought she knew the man she had fallen in love with. While she understood how being demoted had affected him, mentally and physically, that did not mean he could go and take Maya’s captaincy job. When she had found out what he did, there had been so much yelling and screaming, Andy was surprised the neighbours didn’t call over wondering what the hell was going on. Her behaviour at the wedding was two days after what happened, and she was still steaming with anger.

Now, Andy was mad. But she wasn’t upset so much as disappointed. Yeah, that was what she felt. Disappointment. Nearly everyone she knew had been flabbergasted to say the least, that she had married the battalion chief after dating him in secret for a few months. Heck, Andy was a bit surprised herself. Yet Maya Bishop had stuck by her side and congratulated her about her marriage, even when the rest of the station freaked out. Travis and Vic had calmed down soon enough, though Jack seemed to be the most judgmental. Rightfully so, as Andy had turned down Jack’s proposal ages ago but accepted Sullivan’s when it was even more of a surprise. That didn’t mean Andy hadn’t been a bit hurt about it, and she had even ranted to Maya about everyone’s reactions later that night. Maya and Andy had had their rough moments—what friendship didn’t, was the real question—although in the end they were there for each other. They stuck up for each other, and they stood beside one another. Andy agreed with Maya’s call that day with the young boy who needed to get to a hospital as fast as possible. In the same situation, Andy would’ve done the same thing. She had been very tempted to tell Fire Chief McAllister that fact herself. Fear of losing her own job held her back at the time but now she wanted nothing more than to storm his office and tell him just what she thought.

Ugh, he just makes me so mad! Andy thought, slamming down her hairbrush. There were tangles in her curls still, yet she couldn’t be bothered to get rid of them. Instead she twisted her hair into a low bun and threw on some clothes. Time to face another day of work. Maybe she would go see Maya afterwards, and share her new nickname for Sullivan with her. At least that might make her smile. Maya could use all the love she could get right now, although luckily Carina was there to put her wife through the motions everyday…

»«

“Do you want me to go over there and punch him?” Carina asked, pacing up and down the short hallway between their living room and bedroom. “Because I will, and I don’t think he wants to hear an Italian woman screaming at him alongside the stinging blow to the face.”

Maya tried to smile to let her wife know that she was thankful for the sentiment, but everything was just too fresh to make a joke about. “No. I don’t want that. Plus what would Andy say?”

Carina’s eyes narrowed, then she relaxed them and the corners of her mouth turned up. “I heard Andy’s been arguing with Sullivan non-stop at the station. Even giving him the silent treatment. Like she said the other day, she’s on your side. So I personally believe she’d thank me if I decided to punch her husband.”

“Haha.” Maya finally laughed even though inside she felt like crying. It had been five days since she had lost her job. Lost her standing as captain and the respect it had built. She had been the first captain of Station 19, and frankly one of the first captains of the SFD. And for what, to be demoted back to firefighter for a small protocol issue? Damn, well clearly someone had it out for her from the beginning.

It made her feel a little bit better, though, to know that Andy was on her side. She could easily have taken her husband’s but she chose her best friend’s side. That was some dedication. Maya just hoped Andy and Sullivan’s marriage would be okay. She remembered making comments about their marriage on her own wedding day and how perfect they were. Little did Maya know at the time, Andy and Sullivan were fighting behind closed doors about his choice to swoop in and attempt to steal Maya’s job.

At this point, she didn’t even know what was going on at the station. Maya hadn’t been back to work since she got demoted, mainly because she had planned to take time off after her wedding. She and Carina couldn’t travel anywhere due to COVID restrictions, but they had planned to lounge around and have sex all day long. So much for those plans. It was yet another thing Maya was sorry about, and would need to make up for in the future. Luckily Carina didn’t seem to have a problem with their plans being cancelled. She preferred to play the game of “what other way can I make Sullivan miserable” every minute. Even though Maya knew Carina wouldn’t follow through with any of them, some of the things she thought up were sort of clever. The answers ranged from filling his turnout boots with lego bricks, to kicking him in the shins; both things Maya had thought about doing the day after she found out her verdict.

While Maya wasn’t anywhere near ready to forgive Sullivan, she certainly wasn’t as angry with him as Carina was. She was hurt and confused, but not angry. Which surprised Maya, because she normally jumped to conclusions when it came to wrong-doings. Though maybe Maya was growing as a person after this demotion. God, it still hurt to think about it.

Maya swung her feet off the couch and stood up. “I’m going to take a shower,” she announced.

Carina stopped pacing immediately. “Would you like company?”

Sadly, Maya shook her head. “No thanks, babe. But I would love some of the soup you made last night.”

“Okay, I’ll warm some up right now.” Carina quickly came over and wrapped her arms around Maya. “I love you, no matter what. I married you for you and I’m prepared to be here for all of it; the good, the bad and the ugly.”

“I love you too,” Maya said and leaned into her wife’s embrace. Maybe one day things would be okay. But clearly not for a very, very long time.

[msbarrows]

Cataracts - What Surgery Is Like

As previously mentioned, I’d developed cataracts and am now going through surgery for them, and have elected to document a bit about what it’s all like from my viewpoint. Mostly because I think it’d make a nice reference for anyone wanting to write with some degree of accuracy about what it’s like from the inside.

This post contains a description of the surgical process involved and what that actually feels like, I’m trying not to be overly graphic but I’m also not elliding over any of the grosser bits (thankfully and surprisingly very little).

First off, a descriptiong of the preliminaries. This started for me with my vision going blurry over the last couple of years, and finally getting around to visiting my old optomitrist when I happened to be in Toronto over last Christmas (as my one up north just retired a couple years ago, and I hadn’t replaced her yet). Of the several potential causes for the vision loss I was experiecing, what I had turned out to be cataracts, of the variety that occurs at the back of the lens and therefor doesn’t cause easily-visible clouding. Which I actually said “Oh, thank god!” to when the optomitrist told me, since they are the absolute easiest thing to fix, while some of the other options (detached retina, or diabetes-related macular degradation, to name a couple) are much less so. Then he gave me a reference to an opthamologist. Thanks to COVID-19, it was this fall before I was finally able to actually get to the clinic and see her.

From my point of view, the process then went pretty quickly. Note that I was at an eye institute that specializes in cataract treatment; everything is contained in one building (a nicely renovated Victorian brick house in the Annex area of Toronto). So all tests and surgery are done on premises.

First appointment there, they did the same sort of vision tests my optomitrist generally does, plus some extra inner-eye photography to get a good look at what was going on. This was done by two different people, one doing the eye-chart related tests and a different one doing the photography. Then I met briefly with my doctor, who looked over my questionnaire (which included questions like whether near, mid, or distance vision was most important to me, and was there a focal distance I particularly needed to be glasses free for, etc.), and that I didn’t need nor have interest in a lens replacement that wasn’t covered under our provincial health care.

A week later I returned for them to perform eye measurement tests, which are used as a basis for manufacturing the replacement lens. They measure the size and shape of the eye, and mostly just involved staring into various machines while photos are taken. The weirdest one, which they did last, involved dripping numbing drops into my eyes, and then lightly pressing a small sensor to multiple places both directly on the eyeballs and then on the closed lids. Something to do with viscosity I’d assume.

And now for a description of the general surgical process, which you can also find summarized (or in more detail) at a number of medical web sites. In my case, it was a pretty basic surgery being performed; the opthamologist needed to make a small slit in the outer layer of my eye, used a tiny probe to break down the lens using ultrasound waves, vacuum out the broken down lens, then use a largish needle to insert a folded plastic lens into the eye, where it would unfold within the capsular space and could be tweaked as needed into the correct position. The cut in the eye is tiny enough that it usually doesn’t even need stitching, apparently.

I was asked to arrive at a specific time, and had to start applying dilating drops to my eyes an hour, half-hour, and five minutes before leaving for the clinic. No nail polish or facial makeup. Preferable wearing comfortable pants and a loosely short-sleeved button front shirt without any undershirt or long underwear beneath it (which turns out to be a “just in case things go crazily sideways” measure; they didn’t actually need to access anything on my torso).

The first step after I arrived at the clinic was being dressed in PPE - one of their own disposable masks to be sure I was wearing a good enough one (that wasn’t coated in whatever mine had picked up outside), a hair cap, a long-sleeved thigh-length blue plasticized robe (it had thumb holes to prevent the sleeves from slipping), and booties over my shoes.

Then I was taken to their surgical floor, where a nurse began a series of eye drops. These included more dilation, an antispectic, and an antibiotic, that I can remember - multiple drops of all. She also gave me a teeny tiny pill to place under my tongue and let dissolved, which contained a small dose of a relaxant/anti-anxiety med (Sorry, she told me the name of it at the time but it’s dropped out of my memory). I didn’t notice any particular change in my mood, but then I’d been counting slow deep breaths since arriving (4 seconds in, 4 seconds out...) to help keep myself relaxed and give myself something to focus on that wasn’t omfg I’m going to be awake during this! Because yeah, not having a clue what it was going to be like was stressful. Nurse also took my blood pressure to be sure I was fine in that regards, and put a sticker on the gown to remind the doctor that it was my right eye being done that day.

After a brief wait, I was moved into one of the surgical theatres, where there was a dentist chair they sat me in, then connected a blood pressure cuff, fingertip monitor (hence the no nail polish rule) and sensors on the backs of both hands and one ankle (I’m assuming those were measuring a mix of blood oxygenation and heartbeat, with the ankle one making sure my feet were still getting blood when I was spending the surgery in what ended up as a tipped-over-backwards with head lowest position). They then rinsed my eye and the orbital area with bactine (very yellow vision while that happens), then patted the area around the eye dry.

The doctor sat at my head, and applied a medical drape with a pre-cut adhesive-edged opening over my eye, then peeled off a translucent applique that was over the hole. Then they applied medical clamps that held my eyelids in the open position (which thanks to the numbing drops, I didn’t feel at all). A brightly lighted microscope was then positioned over the eye, and I was told to stay as still as possible and stare at the red dot in the lighted area. The doctor then did the surgery as described above. From my point of view, there was very little to feel; occasional dull pressure, some random coldness that I believe was the eye being irrigated. I could hear the occasional very quiet noise the probe made as the lens was sucked away, but mostly it was just staring at the red light as well as I could while my vision distorted oddly and I continue counting breaths. Within what felt like no more than 5-10 minutes (if that), it was all over with.

They had me continue to lie there for a couple minutes while they peeled off the drape, wiped the eye area clean, and removed all the sensors, then a brief rest before having me sit up.

I blinked once or twice, and... DAMN! Sudden near-perfect vision in an eye that hasn’t seen clearly without help since I was in single digit ages. And the saturation. The detail.

Now, my left eye of course still has a cataract (it gets treated next week). I’d been telling people for a while that basically all my right eye was seeing was blur, so my left eye was doing most of the seeing, and I thought my left eye wasn’t anywhere near as bad as my right. With my right eye now seeing perfectly, I could now alternate opening eyes from side to side, and see just how badly (and irregularly) blurred and yellowed the left lens actually is. To which I can only saw, WTF, how was I even seeing anything at all!?

Then they had me sit for a while in the waiting area, where the doctor came and double-checked I was fine, and gave me a kit in a plastic bag of a card that identifies that I have an interocular lens (and info about it), a prescription for two different eye drops (antibiotic and anti-inflamatory) which was enough for both this eye and the eye getting operated on next week, and a shield to wear at night for the first five nights, to be sure I don’t accidentally rub it or put pressure on it.

Then I put on sunglasses (because hugely dilated eye) and walked out.

Side note - they won’t do your operation unless you have a ride home arranged; because that tiny pill means you’re in a slightly altered state, among other reasons. Good thing it was my brother and not, say, a taxi, since among other things it took us three drugstores to find one that actually had both kinds of eyedrops in stock, yay super fun.

Also, remember me talking about the starburst rays I was seeing around lights due to cataracts? While my eye was still dilated (which lasted until after midnight) I was seeing what I can only describe as ‘Ferris wheels’ - a burst of  rays expanding out like the spokes of a wheel, and ending in an uneven ring of dots of bright light, each wheel matching the colour of the light causing it. Looked wild at night. Thankfully that effect has now gone away.

Had a follow-up appointment this morning where they did an eye chart and the rebounce test where they puff air at your cornea, and the opthamologist says the vision in that eye tested as 20/20 (WOOO! Finally something good with that number). I can see sharply and clearly for blocks from the mid-range on out. Sadly when I try to use my computer, tablet, etc (near-range and close vision) the eye can’t focus down far enough; some of that may improve over the next month or two as the eye continues healing, and adapting to the lens. In the meantime my sister suggested I try a pair of her reading glasses and, yay, that worked. I am now planning that after my follow-up appointment for next week’s surgery on the left eye, I’ll run around and pick up 2-3 pairs of reading glasses of various strengths (which I will get will depend on what seems to work best with arm’s length and close-in viewing), to carry me through until I go back to an optomitrist in a month or three, and get my vision evaluated to see if I need actual prescription reading and/or far distance glasses.

In the meantime, apart from computer/tablet use, I am glasses free. I can’t even remember ever having such sharp, clear, and saturated vision (since I’ve been in glasses for such a long time). You know the “oh, trees are made of leaves!” effect? I am getting that with every single thing I look at. Oh, that’s how much grey is in my hair? Weird, I never noticed this wall was textured before. Oh geez, that text over there is so small and yet I AM READING IT. I mean, even with glasses I probably was never able to read that from this distance! Etc ad infinitum.

It’s just so, so nice.

And that’s with just one eye finished. I am now really looking forward to next week’s surgery. Stress? What stress!?

[purplesurveys]

1063

survey by pinkchocolate

Have you done any of the same things as me this year? (2020 edition)

Planned a shopping spree with a friend?

Visited a shopping centre/mall? Malls are extremely commonplace here and honestly they already serve as the main tourist attractions if you find yourself in Manila, which is why Manila has never been a popular tourist destination itself (foreign tourists usually head to neighboring provinces, which is smart on their end). I’ve been to malls at least 20-30 times this year, but that’s only because of the pandemic. I probably go close to 50-70 times in a normal year.

Had lunch with a friend? Yeah I caught lunch with Angela a couple times at the start of the year. I had a one-photo-a-day gimmick on Instagram, and I’m pretty sure I have a photo of her in there during one of our lunch dates.

Ordered pizza at a restaurant? Again, at the start of the year. Gab and I loved Italian restaurants so we definitely ordered pizza several times.

Been in a department store? I needed to briefly enter one a couple of weeks ago to look for gift wrappers.

Bought pretty new lingerie?

Had coffee with a friend? Yeah Gab and I had study dates at coffee shops every single week. Now, obviously, I just take myself.

Bought DVDs?

Had a cold?

Bought toiletries as a gift for someone else?

Had dinner in a restaurant with your family? Yeah I’m fairly certain we did this at least a couple of times between January and early March. The last time I dined in anywhere was a month ago, but I was only with my parents and my siblings didn’t come along.

Had one of your kitchen appliances break? Our plumbing is a little fucked in general and sometimes we’ll have minor leaks on the floor. My dad’s knives have also gotten a bit dull, so I got him a new knife set for Christmas. But no damage to appliances.

Watched a movie at the cinema?

Struggled for food when the panic buying began? We struggled in that it was a bitch to enter the groceries at first. My dad did the grocieries for us during that time and that was back when they strictly enforced the number of people allowed in the supermarket at one time; and no matter how early he queued, there was always already a line that got there before him. He’d wait around three hours and once he was finally let in, a bunch of alleys or sections in the grocery would already be empty or at least close to becoming empty. We never went hungry or had to skip meals or anything like that, but I do remember having to make do with lesser-known brands we never used before because sometimes those would be the only options left at the grocery.

Wanted to hug a friend, but didn't because you had to social distance? I hugged Angela when I saw her a couple of days ago, and I also hugged Gab when we were still together. 

Felt afraid of Covid? My fears over it have tamed over the year, to be honest; but I’m still wary, of course. I hate it when people stand near me and I follow the safety protocols everywhere I go.

Felt afraid to leave the house? Only during the peak of the virus, from March to around May or June. Nowadays I kinda have to go out every now and then for the sake of my sanity.

Deliberately avoided watching the news because it made you feel upset? I mean I took up journ lol so I always watch the news, no matter how upsetting it can get. The one and only time I remember asking my sister to switch the channel was when there was a report on animal abuse.

Had to cancel plans for your birthday? I didn’t have plans for it in the first place, or at least I didn’t have the chance to make them yet, so I’m glad there was nothing to cancel.

Spent your birthday at home? This was the only choice I had. My birthday fell on the most serious and strictest phase of the quarantine, and this was back when nothing was open yet.

Collected a parcel from your doorstep? Online shopping is a norm for me now, lol. I used to not trust it, but now I probably buy at least one item a week.

Eaten an entire box of chocolates in one day? I don’t even like chocolate that much. That sounds so uncomfortably sweet.

Drank fruit flavoured cider?

Eaten birthday cake? Sure, we had cake for my mom’s, my aunt’s, and my cousin’s/godson’s birthdays.

Had a grandparent move into long-term care? My remaining grandparents are all fortunately still very healthy.

Kept a journal of your thoughts and feelings during lockdown? This is technically it, whether’s there’s a lockdown or not. I tried starting a journal after my breakup, but I couldn’t keep it up because my wrist strains easily from handwriting now, hahaha. I find that doing surveys suffice.

Had distressing dreams/nightmares related to the pandemic? No, but about other pressing events in my life.

Felt concerned about your financial situation? Not mine but my family’s.

Returned to a social platform that you took a break from? I left Facebook for a few months after the breakup. I’m back on it again because I had missed the memes, but I also want to permanently delete that account for good, open a new one, and just add the people I want to keep having in my circle. Like I love Gabie’s family to death but I don’t see the point in being Facebook friends with them still, and it actually feels kinda awkward now still seeing them on my list. Idk. We’ll see. I might keep my account or start a new one altogether.

Missed a past hobby or interest? I mean I missed going to malls and bars and going out with my friends, if that counts as an interest. I had to do much less of that this year.

Started a new hobby? I started doing embroidery about a month ago, and a few days ago I started working out. My body is as sore as all fuck, but at least it makes me feel good about myself. For the new year, I also plan on starting a skincare routine after 22 years of not doing anything with my face lol and maybeeee start experimenting with coffee and buy different kinds of beans just because?? Idk, I have a lot of cute hobbies planned out for next year haha I’m excited to see how it goes.

Joined some new Facebook groups? Both for work and personal purposes, yep.

Made some new friends online? I definitely like that I’ve become closer and more familiar with the survey community here. I feel like I barely interacted with anyone pre-Covid, when real life was still a bit more hectic and when it was more difficult to find time to relax and sit down and read everyone’s answers. I also became friends with Justine, Angel, and Bianca when I started as an intern at my workplace.

Felt annoyed because you saw someone without a mask? Everyone wears a mask in public, and there are always people assigned to monitor and lightly scold those stubborn enough to take their masks off. So this isn’t the case, but what I do find annoying is when people stand or walk too close to you. Just last week at the grocery this lady was close enough to be breathing down my neck when I was lining up at the cashier; being non-confrontational for the most part, it felt like being in the deepest pit of hell.

Felt like people were staring at you when you wore a mask? I feel like people are more likely to stare at people who DON’T have a mask. 

Bought new stationery? My sister has tons of stationery in her room for whatever reason; when I need one to write short notes or letters, I just ask for some from her. 

Video-called your extended family and friends? For sure. We did this a lot especially during the earlier parts of the year.

Written a letter to someone you missed?

Disagreed with the behaviour of a friend?

Felt surprised when someone wanted to be your friend? No one directly said it to me; but as an intern on my first day of the job, it was a really pleasant surprise to find that the co-interns I was going to be with weren’t boring, unemotional cogs who just aimed to do work. They were HILARIOUS from the get-go, was confused as fuck about work, and I could see they just wanted to make our tiny intern family a close-knit and happy group, to which I gladly agreed and went along with.

Bought a new pair of shoes? I got new shoes meant for my first job interview, but I haven’t gotten any brand new sneakers in a while :(

Replaced some toiletries that you ran out of during lockdown? I guess? Toiletries are necessities, so.

Bought some new books? I read new ones, but I didn’t buy them. Some I saw copies of on the internet; one was given as a gift to me.

Bought new cosmetics? I don’t use those.

Received a belated birthday present?

Received a present from a friend overseas?

Discovered a new author that you liked?

Felt like you were drifting away from people you were once close to? *A person. Yeah, well.

Found out that someone you knew had contracted Covid?  She’s a mutual friend from my high school days. We aren’t close but we’ve kept in touch by still following each other on social media. She wrote about her experience with Covid on a blog entry.

Realised you had formed a deep connection with someone? I got a lot closer with Andi both because we had to work together for our thesis and because they were there for me, unconditionally and untiringly, when I was coping with my breakup and was in rough shape.

Worried about the financial situation of someone close to you? Of my family, like I said, yes. We had to sell the Vitara because the money that pours into the household monthly isn’t enough to keep paying for it. To be fair, that car was a very big impulse buy by my dad, so we didn’t and don’t feel too bad about losing it hahaha. 

Let your guard down to someone? I don’t think so. I was on red alert this year since Gab increasingly broke my trust.

Had an issue with something on social media? Yeah, but I don’t want to get into it. That was such a long time ago and is so irrelevant now.

Felt disconnected from others? I deliberately did so three months ago, so much so that I had acquaintances I barely talked to since graduating talk to Andi and ask where I’ve been.

Changed your internet provider? We’ve had the same one for like 8-9 years now. It works pretty okay for five people who stream videos all day, so we haven’t felt the need to switch.

Felt fortunate/thankful? I mean I’m here, scar-less, and happy with myself on December 31, 2020, right?

Tried some new foods that you enjoyed? Baked sushi is so fucking good.

Re-read a book that you loved? Crazy Is My Superpower by AJ Mendez (aka my favorite girl wrestler, AJ Lee) is always a good read to come back to.

[mercadosadaf]

The Value of Swimming In Uncertain Times

Hi Swimmers

Firstly, apologies for the radio silence over the last few weeks on the blog - we've had the whole Swim Smooth team busily engaged in a complete revamp of the entire www.swimsmooth.com website and coaching interface, and whilst we are not quite done, we are getting very close and hope to resume the blog and our usual community engagement very soon. Thanks for your patience and understanding.

Today, Head Coach Paul Newsome, has prepared a reflective piece for you on the value of swimming and what it means to us all, especially in these uncertain times. We hope it allows you to pause over a cup of tea or coffee and think a little bit about your own swimming and how your relationship with the water might have changed somewhat in the last 12 months.

Paul features three brief stories of some inspiring swimmers he has had the pleasure to work with and how their swimming journeys have been significantly altered by the coronavirus, mostly for the better. Paul summarises with some of his own take-home points on how this period has changed his own thinking on swimming somewhat and how his ordinarily extrinsic competitive goalposts have shifted to a place of intrinsic challenge and finding a new calm with that. So please, relax, put your feet up and let’s get a little zen for a moment.

The Value of Swimming in Uncertain Times

I was recently invited as a guest on the new An Open Water Swimmer's Podcast with host Will Ellis (release date: 28th February here) to discuss my love and passion for swimming - an easy topic for me! Will is a great host and someone I'd taken for a Swim Smooth analysis session as part of a group over a decade ago in the UK. Given my area of technical interest in swimming, many podcasts that we've done with other hosts have always centered on these elements, but Will took a very different slant, one which focused very much on the "why" of swimming.

Why do I swim? Why do I enjoy the water? Why swimming and not another sport? I came away with a headful of thoughts that I'd either never given due consideration to before, or maybe some that crystallized a growing appreciation I've started to foster of late?

Given the current state of play with COVID-19 restrictions on our sport over the last 12 months, I feel my own relationship with water has not necessarily changed per se but it's definitely evolved. Perhaps though, it's me who's changed and it's this period of intrinsic reflection that has heightened the "why" behind what we all love to do? For many of you, could the absence of being able to do the thing you love or the thing that perhaps challenges you the most (as a triathlete maybe?) be the necessary catalyst to kick your swimming to new heights of appreciation (however you measure that) when we do all come through this? I'm certainly seeing that in myself and my squad of very lucky swimmers over here in Perth, Australia.

Lady Luck

Over the last 12 months, Perth has been heralded as one of the best places on the planet with respect to the relatively few restrictions and impact of the coronavirus - many of us scarcely realizing how lucky we are. Next week will see 3,500 people start one of the largest open water swims on the planet, the Rottnest Channel Swim, in which I will be competing with a good friend over the 20km distance. We have, however, just come out of a heavily publicized (albeit very short) 5-day lockdown here in Perth which restricted access to the pools and saw us only being able to swim solo in the open water or with one other family member. This incident garnered international press on account of the very rapid and focused response to a single case in the community transferred between a quarantined hotel guest and a security guard. The whole state came to a grinding halt for just one case - everything ceased and panic was high. Despite extensive testing (myself included) of those who may have been in the vicinity of this one person, fortunately, no other community transmission has occurred. Consequently, life is returning to some form of normality again. 

One of the hardest things I've personally struggled with over the last 12 months though is being able to fully appreciate and empathize with just how brutal this period must have been - and continues to be - for many of you from the perspective of being able to simply enjoy the pleasures of a nice swim. Lady Luck has shone down on me, and for why, I do not know? I feel a toiling mixed sense of guilt, of pure luck, and of umbrage at myself for the seemingly petty feeling of missing the ability to travel overseas and share my love of swimming with you all, wherever you might be. I miss it so much and yet feel I have no right to do so given where I have the good fortune to be right now. 

I had a frank conversation before Christmas with my Mum about this. Many of you know Linda as "Mother Smooth" and if you've ever ordered anything from us, she'd have sent it to you. True to the adage that "Mum always knows best", I finally managed to pluck up the courage and expand on how excited I was to be taking my wife and two kids camping over the Christmas holidays to a beautiful town called Albany in the South West which we'd all visited together as a family a few years earlier. Mother Smooth couldn't understand why I'd not told her sooner, to which I responded that I didn't want to make her feel bad. "Feel bad?" she quizzed, "I am at my happiest when I know you are happy". Profound stuff - good old Mum!

The Changing Tide

So, what has this all really got to do with swimming? If you are in the northern hemisphere, chances are you are sick to the back teeth of hearing about the coronavirus and maybe even more so the thought that other pockets of the world are experiencing far fewer restrictions than yourself currently. Last week's swift lockdown gave me a rapid reminder though just how uncertain these times can be - the tide can change on a dime so easily. What has been remarkable for me has been watching how those of you who still continue in enforced lockdowns have survived this last 12 months and I'd like to recognize some of the cool - and crazy - things you've been doing, obviously simply for the joy of needing to get your swim in! Perhaps you can tell us more about how you've weathered this storm so far?

Helen Webster, UK

I met Helen in March 2014 at the 220 Triathlon Show in London. As the editor of the 220 Triathlon Magazine, Helen had taken it upon herself to learn to swim freestyle properly for an upcoming triathlon and I was tasked with assisting her with that goal in an Endless Pool and in front of hundreds of people. For someone with very little swimming experience at that point, Helen did amazingly well in front of such a crowd and it’s a testament to her bubbly “can do” spirit that she took on this challenge!

We spent a good hour or so filming her stroke, analyzing it (in front of everyone!), and then getting back into the pool to correct her issues which mainly centred around developing confidence in the water and improving the timing of her stroke, specifically her breathing. Back then, Helen was what we’d have described as a classic Bambino - someone very new to swimming with a relatively high level of anxiety in the water - so to see the following images circulating on Helen’s Facebook page in the last couple of weeks simply blew my mind! Helen’s gone all Bear Grylls on us and now is not happy unless she has to break the ice in her backyard pool just to ensure she gets her swim in! I’m so proud of her as a mate!

Here's Helen on what the last 12 months have meant for her swimming:

"Open-water swimming has been a key part of my training week ever since taking those first steps with Paul all those years ago! Lockdown had made me realise just how important swimming is to me though and in so many ways. Not living near the coast and with managed venues nearby forced to close I've realised how much I rely on swimming for lifting my mood, giving me a pause from a busy world and fully immersing myself in nature. I'm a pool swimmer too and with centres all closed I'm even missing the tang of chlorine and having to do kick drills!!

It sounds melodramatic but a tearful moment on the phone with a friend prompted her to gift me a garden pool and swimming tethered has given me a route back to the water (thanks to Swim Smooth Coach Jason Tait for the tethered swim sets!). It's also led me to a new swim community who are making the most of what they have and finding humour in sitting in ice baths and under hosepipes, or sharing tips for how to stop your garden pool freezing!

I can't wait to have my 'proper' swimming back and believe me, will never take it for granted again. I'm planning a swim challenge for September and keeping fingers crossed it goes ahead!"

Sue Allingham, Denmark

Sue attended one of our 3-day Swim Smooth Coach Education Courses in Mallorca, Spain back in May 2019 and was clearly a super-passionate swimmer and coach. We’ve remained in close contact via Messenger since and she frequently sends me crazy pictures of where she’s been swimming, however, nothing could quite prepare me for this one - her frozen Margarita experience (as she calls it)!

When I asked Sue about what the last 12 months have meant for her swimming, she said this:

"A year ago I entered the World Ice Swimming Championships in Bled Slovenia for a laugh. 2 weeks later I broke both my wrists and then Lockdown! By April I was going stir crazy and the day I had my casts removed, I got back into the sea, as the pools were shut. Little did I know that I would continue going in every day since! As my wrists got stronger, I could swim longer but the thought of trying to pull on a wetsuit was hanging over my head. By the time I probably could get one on I no longer felt the need. I continued to swim throughout the year and ended up becoming the Danish age-group champion in 25m & 100m Freestyle - Ice swimming and 5k Openwater. 

A year on from Covid and we are still in the sea and simply just grabbing any opportunity to jump in the water, to try new beaches or temperatures. As you can see from the picture, we’ve started making our own frozen Margaritas! 

What will I do when the pools open again? Dive in and just keep swimming! Never thought I’d miss the black line so much. Swimming as always is such a social thing & drinking coffee with friends after each swim has really made Lockdown actually enjoyable. Already looking at SwimRuns in Sweden, hopefully as it’s close by we may be allowed to travel. Otherwise lots of pre-paid events carried over from last year. I live in hope. 

One thing is for sure, the sea is always open!"

Mark Turner, Switzerland

Mark also attended one of our other 3-day Swim Smooth Coach Education Courses in Mallorca, Spain (the week after Sue) and had just a few months prior completed the Rottnest Channel Swim here in Perth. Mark set up the world’s most prestigious multi-day cycling event for amateurs, the Haute Route, which is a brutally tough challenge in a breathtakingly beautiful landscape. Mark was also the man behind Ellen MacArthur’s sailing career (who set the world record in 2005 for the fastest solo circumnavigation of the globe), the Offshore Challenges/OC Sport business, and the Extreme Sailing Series, and is widely seen as a visionary in the sport of sailing. And, if all that wasn't enough, Mark led the Volvo Ocean Race series as CEO in 2016/17. Needless to say, Mark is not someone to do things by half and is always up for a (big) challenge! 

Mark now lives in Switzerland on the banks of Lake Geneva and is fastidious about his swimming, especially a weekly completion of the infamous 10 x 400m Red Mist Endurance session! Like with many parts of the world, Mark has had unreliable access to his local pool over the last 12 months and so has turned to the great outdoors instead…even during the middle of winter! Hooking up regularly with like-minded souls in these freezing temperatures has been what has kept Mark going and will stand him in good stead when the world finally comes back to some sense of normality.

It Is What It Is

I think one of the most obvious things with each of these three swimmers - and yourself hopefully too - is that they’ve simply rolled with the punches that 2020 and beyond has brought their way. They’ve got on with it, adapted, pivoted, and thrived in a new environment and in doing so sought out other goals to keep them motivated and in the game. Resilience personified. We always talk so virtuously in training and racing about “control the controllable”, and clearly, none of this is in any of our control right now. Way back in April 2020 when we were still in lockdown and I was personally unable to coach, a very close friend and one of my athletes, Nolan McDonnell told me to “stop trying to save us all - we can look after ourselves!” in response to me frantically trying to work out how to keep everyone fit and engaged when I couldn’t be with them face-to-face. It really struck a chord with me, and whilst it didn’t happen overnight, I did begin to accept the situation. 

Knowing I wouldn’t be able to travel and spread the Swim Smooth word - as has been my life over the last 16 or so years - was a real blow, but ever so gradually I started to move beyond this and to focus on what I could do, not what I couldn’t. For me personally, that’s meant plenty more time at home with the family, and as we are seeing on the pool deck at the moment, plenty of opportunities to be super consistent with our respective training schedules too. The squad here in Perth has never swum so quickly before, ever! Why? Everyone has their groundhog day schedule dialled in and they’re sticking to it because there’s nowhere else to go, and there’s something very centring about that, zen even. 

Fancying a challenge myself - and recognizing the collective benefit of encouraging others to follow suit - I have even got myself back into doing a few triathlons, marathon swims, and even the odd SwimRun event too! Taking on a range of varied challenges was in an effort to not put all our eggs into one basket in case events got canceled or postponed. 

Again, I’m super privileged to be able to do these things right now, and part of that appreciation brings a whole new angle on why we do what we do. For me, it’s all been about my shared experience of training up with one of my best mates Chris to do the Rottnest Channel Swim together as a Duo next week. With last week’s unprecedented lockdown it looked certain to be canceled but you know what, I wasn’t bothered in the slightest! The religiously attended Sunday morning swim with Chris in the river is what it’s all about - not the event itself. Swimming + Best Mate = Win. 

Sure, the race will be a nice finale, but the old adage of “the journey is better than the destination” is what this whole crazy period has really taught me. We egg each other on even in the middle of winter and for me, this has seen a major step away from the profound sense of training for competition’s sake, to training for training’s sake, and for the social camaraderie that this has brought. I wouldn’t change that for the world.

Even if you haven’t had the opportunity (yet) to be quite so free in your activities, that time will come again, hopefully very soon, and in the meantime, just set yourself some little consistency of routine benchmarks to tick off. Get creative like our friends above (just maybe not quite so crazy!). How many swims in the river can you consistently do every Sunday? Can you always ensure you meet up with Bob for your Friday lunchtime jog in the park? Make sure you commit to that group ride on Zwift you booked in for on the Companion app etc. It’s the little things, done often that will keep you going and when the world opens up again, you’ll be ready! 

Thanks for reading. Swim on!

Paul

from Sports http://www.feelforthewater.com/2021/02/the-value-of-swimming-in-uncertain-times.html via http://www.rssmix.com/

[savagelyrefined]

Today is the first time, since getting a positive Covid test, that I’ve physically managed to hit 20km. It took considerably longer than it normally does and I felt absolutely horrible afterwards, but I did it.

For me being ill is never really something that crosses my mind, it happens very rarely and, most of the time, when it does happen it’s very mild and I’m over it in a day or two. When Covid hit the scene I obeyed the rules and followed all the guidelines, but not because I was worried about myself, I was doing it to protect the people in my life who are vulnerable. I’m relatively young, I’ve a very robust immune system and I’m fairly healthy. I thought that if I got it I’d either be asymptomatic or it would be extremely mild and I’d bounce back in a couple of days.

Several weeks ago someone in our office tested positive for Covid, the following day we were all sent home with our computers and remote logins. The day after that I started feeling a little rough, realised I’d lost my sense of taste and smell and booked myself a test for a Friday evening.

It’s Monday morning, I’m burning up, I ache all over, I have absolutely no energy, I hardly have the strength to move around, I feel like I want to die and I’ve just received my positive result. 48 hours passes, it’s Wednesday and, admittedly, I’m starting to get over it, I still have no sense of taste and smell, I still ache, I still feel drained, I can’t really concentrate on anything, but I’m mostly functional. Monday morning rolls around and I’m well enough to be working from home, but I still have no sense of taste and smell, I still ache, I still feel drained and I’m still finding it a little difficult to concentrate.

It’s now a few weeks later and I’m still not 100%. My sense of taste and smell is back, but it seems extremely muted and things don’t quite taste the same. I’m physically able to exercise, but I get out of breath much easier, I’m not able to do as much and I ache afterwards. I’m finding it much easier to concentrate, but I’m easily distracted and feel like I’m catching myself just staring into space more often than usual. My general drive hasn’t really returned, though I’m not entirely sure there was all that much of it to begin with.

Covid 19 isn’t a joke, it isn’t a hoax, it is very infectious and, whilst I concede that it may well be being exaggerated, it is definitely hospitalising people, it is definitely killing people and it is definitely an absolutely horrible disease to suffer with.

Now could somebody please gently massage my shoulders, they really ache...

[myjadecoloredglasses]

Ancestral

When I was a young girl. 9 or 10 years old. I felt this hole in the center of my body. Somewhere between my chest and my stomach, and large. It felt round, ovular. I would say “I can feel wind blowing through it.” It felt cold and lovely. I never liked the cold, I have a strong distaste for winter and moved to Los Angeles from Seattle, specifically to live in a place where it’s warmer all year round. I prefer to look at snow and not play in it. 

7 days ago today he told me in somber tones that he would not come around anymore. We would speak no longer. He wasn’t sure how he felt but love was a large enough word that he didn’t want to stand under it’s shadow and feel unsure if it would exist ever between us more then in one direction. 

Two days prior I confronted him on his distancing. It was obvious and I am generally one to call out the weirdness rather then let it fester. My body is sensitive and gets wobbly when there is incongruent stories being played out. 

That night I called my brother. I had just been put on romantic probation and of course that all spilled out of me as soon as he answered. He and I have finally found our connection. It took us 23 years. He is day and I am night. Sun and moon. Loud and quiet. I’ve always love him but not always loved the way he acted. My brother is stronger then I am in facing our father. He always has had the ability to rip the bandaid off and be honest. Whereas I am always trying to offer solutions rather then blunt honesty. He told me dad was saying that he had been stabbed and was at Harborview Hospital recovering. But there was a whole story around him manipulating my brother and money and it was all hard to trust. For the first time in years that hole opened back up. I felt sick and hollow but there was a churning toxicity to the air blowing through me. Not a new feeling but one I can done well eradicating from my life. 

Sunday the communication probation was lifted and I was set to spin in the wind. Arms open and flailing, heart extended through valves stretched from the velocity of the spin. With a tiny cuts next to a gash, all of which spraying blood to the rotation. I lost myself in the blood loss. Dreamt I had a miscarriage, blood everywhere, lower back aching and waking me throughout the night. My father had given me this feeling exacerbation many times. It was a waltz we clumsily and as if it was studied mercilessly danced together since I can remember. 

Two years ago, in the flea house. Yes it was as bad as it sounds. I was getting into shaman vision walks. My family was practicing more and more tools of self awareness and it was filtering through to me, and I had general intrigue and it came very easily. At that time I was 5 years into emotional awareness discovery and trying meditation and journeys at home to places within myself I had created and anchored previously. 

I was wandering into my garden. It is at the center of the earth, where there is an open space with the heat and light of the core of my planet, it always looks like sunset. I am about 30 ft inland from a vast stretched body of water. I haven’t gotten into it yet. There are tropical plants and trees that surround and stand between the water, beach and a large stone tiled platform. At the center and to the back there is a throne. Everything is earth tones, brown and red and tan and golden. There are pillars holding together an upper border to the platform. Like a triangular but squared off opening. If sitting or standing below this border and looking up, you can see solar systems and expansive space. I meet the goddesses here. 

Two years ago, hanging out in my garden I met my father and wanted to try to heal the wound between us. I was working to pull what looked like black tar out of me. It was coming out through my back between my 3rd and 4th chakra. It started to cling to me internally and I became frightened and realized it was an entity, there was life to it. I got very scared and jumped out of the scene. My heart rate lifted and me having to not step on that exact space in that tiny room for a few weeks. I didn’t tell anyone about it cause I felt kinda nuts and was also honestly scared. My father’s side of the family, somewhat my mother’s too has very high functioning toxicity patterning. I didn’t know what I was messing with and knew for sure I didn’t trust I knew how to properly deal with it. 

Fast forward back to last week. There is a global virus called COVID-19 or more popularly the “Coronavirus” which has much of the world quarantined and panicking. Stock markets on rollercoasters, the two month tour I was just going to go on got cancelled 3 days into rehearsal along with every other large gathering operation, national/international sports events, shows, meetings, etc. Unprecedented for our recent history and culture we are used to functioning in.  

Basically going into last week I’m fried and frightened and squashed energetically. Speaking with my parents (mother and bonus father) daily, as they helped me climb out of my blind sided muddied water spinning dunk tank to gather my strength and find myself again. In the midst of this climb I opened up about this black thing that had been clinging to my back for two years. Like a tick blocking my full access to the divine and clinging to my inner light, wrapped through my organs and intestines. They recommended I paint it. I like to dabble in watercolor painting. Some things I’m proud of and some things I throw away but I can definitely use it to express abstract ideas and visions. We made plans to have a guided meditation one week later to extract the entity and release it. 

Over the next week my mother and I communicated almost daily. The quarantine was spreading throughout the united states, and our cities (Los Angeles and Seattle) were two locations with larger outbreaks occurring. She told me that in her dreams and in her morning meditation she had been fighting this entity with myself, Gaia and Jesus. What follows are her experiences: 

“This morning's journey was brief. And definitely felt like part 1. You and I stepped they a portal into a sacred garden and then went down into a beautiful meadow where there was a well and it felt like we were in Ireland or Scotland... The land of our ancestors... Could've been Italy, idk but looked more like Ireland. There was an altar at the well and you put a lock of your hair on the altar and then we went to the well and we both cried and cried into the well water and then we began to drink the well water knowing it had been transformed. We poured our suffering into that well and we trusted the healing process. Then we began to drink the water and the feeling was one of total renewal. I could feel it in every cell of my body. And I had a strong sense that you felt that same way. Then I had a clear impression to move away from the well and look for a body of water that we could get in.“

DREAM: “I'm walking through a crowd of people and realize I'm not wearing a top.. naked from the waist up. I immediately exit to find something to put on and must pass everyone in the huge room to get out of there. I enter an apartment and I'm just so overwhelmed that I take what I think is a couple of valium but realize that my mouth is full of them. I get scared of overdosing/dying. I want to spit them out but can't at the moment... I'm embarrassed and don't want others to know what I've done. I have to wait to get to a place where I can spit them out. Meanwhile they're dissolving in my mouth. Finally I spit them out. I go into a meeting but we're all unprepared. The coffee maker is broken. Everything is going wrong. I really want coffee to help me wake up/be more alert. Then the business people disappear... and paranormal activity starts up. What appears to be a super heavy dense huge black bowling ball comes flying out of a kitchen cupboard. I'm really scared... this is potentially very dangerous. It keeps flying around the room. Standing in the light of the kitchen window, I begin to exorcise this demon. Calling on the ascended masters and angels of the highest order to intervene and get this thing out. I banish it repeatedly and at the top of my lungs. It does not leave but begins to deflate, becoming less and less powerful. Eventually I'm in a biplane or something, along with several children and we're flying away from the building in a somewhat precarious flying machine... but we are getting away. This dream has elements that are clearly connected to your situation and feelings. You've been talking about this black void (which now has tentacles) inside of you for many years. We will journey together and finish disentangling this dark energy from you. I love you, Mama “

“I met you in the bubble/globe. The black octopus entity was attached to your back. I found a very large needle in my hand that contained fire. I poked it into the center of the entity. It's tentacles immediately began to release from you in the shock and agony of being on fire... it began to peel away. Gaia and Christ were there standing behind us. She handed me some herbs. I knew they were poisonous to the entity... like strychnine and hemlock came to mind. As the entity detached, I poured these herbs on it rendering it lifeless. Then I picked it up off the ground with a stick and placed it in the bowl of water the two deities were holding. It was holy water that magically transformed/dissolved what was left of the entity. Then Gaia watered her plants with it, what was now transformed to nourish the plants we'd used to remove it from you. Then I turned my attention back to you and your angel was there ready to assist in your healing. The angel (couldn't tell if male or female) began to blow the divine breath of God into your back, breathing healing, renewal and light into you, moving up and down your spine/chakras. Then I saw you on a beach, doing yoga, walking the beach with a loved one. Happy.”

During this time, usually before speaking to my mother or receiving her correspondence I noticed entity peeling off, like a scab. First the upper left corner, near my heart. The before the week was over it had fallen about halfway off. At this point I could see there was a thick long tentacle at the center that had burrowed into my being. I couldn’t tell how far in or to where exactly but I knew it was coiled and knotted somewhere deep in me. 

Sunday arrived. My parents and I had made arrangements to meet at 1pm. My mother advices me to: “If possible have 4 items on your altar to represent the elements... Earth (Crystal, earth, sand, an herb), Fire (candle) Air (feather, bird painting) Water (small cup of water, Sea shell).”

I created a circle of stones and rose petals around my bed in a large enough pattern for myself to lay within. Candles north, seashells west, feathers east, a stone shaped like a heart and a painted on piece of driftwood south. My head laying due north, to my right the ocean, to my left the sunrise, at my feet goddess light, warmth and peace. 

My mother was laying with me in spirit in Seattle and my bonus father lead:

I was nowhere. It was creamy pink lit and hazy. My mother and step father with me. As we called in my brother he arrived. My father was invited and was there but at one point later in the inviting wanted to take over and was emotionally quarantined, to observe and heal and not partake in any aspect beyond that. We called in the archetypes of the four directions and they lovingly created a square around our triangle. Then in came my community, ancestors, energies of love and joy and support gathered in a circular fashion around us, hundreds or thousands strong. I’ve never been good at averages in numbers of people haha. Here we breathed and supported each other in accessing all that is good, clean and strong. 

I’m walking a forest path. There is a wide root separation at the base of a tree in front of me and off to the right a bit. The space is an opening wide enough to crawl into. It is dark, there is no light, I continue to crawl not really afraid, I trust where I’m going. I start to see a glow, I’m nearing my sanctuary, the path starts to lengthen and widen and I am able to stand. I come to a threshold on the other side of which is my garden. I call in the archetypes, the goddesses they line up in front of me. Artemis is asked to leave her weapons at the door and she does, placing them on the earth just outside the threshold. Quan Yin enters first and sits on the thrown as the other goddesses enter. White Buffalo Calf Woman bows and weeps at her feet. Artemis and Babayaga stand silent, soft and supportive. Quan Yin walks to me and stands about two feet away. The entity relaxes and falls off, tentacles lax and lifeless. The center tentacle is still within me but unraveling and slowly falling out, getting thinner with every foot length that falls out. Quan Yin picks it up and hold it like a baby. It turns gold in her arms and for a moment looks like a young child. Like a baby, and the word innocence crossed my mind. We are still connected by that final tentacle which I’ve realized is wrapped all throughout my intestines. It finally comes all the way out and drops tired to the floor. Quan Yin continues to hold it like a baby, looking to it with love and admiration, giving it an aura of purple and green. She stands tall and releases it up through the pillar ceiling boarder into the universe and it flies into space where it is reconnected to it’s own kind. It’s community and family. The goddesses each take a turn putting their hands on me. First Quan Yin with her golden light and warm hands. Then Artemis. Then Babayaga. Babayaga stuck her hands into me. Into my back where the center chords was and into my stomach, where it had been knotted and tied around my intestines. With open palms she shook her hands left to right and then folded them in a light grip. She did this for a while and it made me uncomfortable, now thinking back it was almost a washing motion, like cleaning out a rag.. kind of. In her grumpy way she completed and stepped to the side and White Buffalo Calf Woman placed her hands on my back and on my stomach where babayaga had just been and emanated a pure white healing light into me. She walked me over to a clawfoot tub and helped me into it. All the goddesses put their hands in the water and their respective colors sparkled out and filled the bath with color. It was then time to leave. Crawled back up through the earth and into the light. Danced in the day with the forest and mother earth and then got ear attacked by the insanely loud chime by bonus dad played ;) hahah 

[lauramalchowblog]

Coronavirus Update: New Developments on COVID-19

It’s been a couple months since I did a post explicitly about COVID-19, or SARS-COV2, or coronavirus, and since the pandemic is still happening and is on everyone’s mind, I’m going to do another one today. This time, I’m going to do a big picture look at where we stand on transmission risks, reinfections, immunity, and what I think we need to keep in mind as we go forward.

Where do we stand with coronavirus?

How is it transmitted—and how can we avoid it?

What’s the deal with herd immunity?

What are my thoughts on the biggest challenges yet to come?

What’s the riskiest place to be?

Indoor areas with low air circulation. Things seem to be spiking in hot areas where everyone stays indoors blasting the air conditioning and breathing in recycled air because it’s so damn hot outside. In regions where people get out into hot weather, like Hawaii, the virus is virtually non-existent. There are certainly other factors at play—Hawaii is an island protected by thousands of miles of water, for one, and they have a strict quarantine protocol for visitors—but many transmissions have been linked to indoor areas with AC.

Furthermore, all indications are that it’s harder to get infected from a “glancing blow.” Viral load—the number of viral particles you actually take in — is a big factor. If the initial load is small enough, your immune system has a better chance of fighting it off. If the load is too big, your immune system can get overwhelmed. What’s “too big” a load is different for everyone, but all else being equal, a larger viral load is worse. That’s why health care workers who spend a lot of time around infected patients are at a greater risk. But if you’re passing someone on the street? It’s going to be a much lower risk.

Is coronavirus easy to transmit outdoors?

I asked about this on Twitter the other day, wondering if anyone had good evidence of outdoor transmission. There were many responses. Some of the more notable ones.

A 4th of July beach party in Michigan. Hundreds of people standing close together in knee high water, lots of house boats, “several” cases of coronavirus. There was also a house party a couple hundred miles away the same weekend that produced 40 cases. The indoor house party was much more virulent than the outdoor beach party.

A Memorial Day party at the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri. Very crowded, looked iffy. One attendee ended up with coronavirus, but officials haven’t identified any other positive cases linked to the party. I wasn’t able to find any recent updates to the contrary. The outdoor lake party didn’t seem very dangerous in this instance.

No cases detected after the July 4th speech at Mount Rushmore. They could still pop up, given the potential lag time between exposure and symptoms, but it looks good so far.

There were also transmission cases after an outdoor graduation event and indoor prom on the same weekend. 19 students tested positive. All students attended both events, so it’s hard to determine if the cases occurred at the graduation event (which probably had indoor parties afterward) or at the prom (or both).

An earlier Chinese study found that out of 7,300 instances of person-to-person transmission, only one occurred outdoors.1 It happened during an extended conversation.

Overall, the most recent study I could find on the subject came to a similar conclusion.2 Researchers searched through PubMed, media stories, and any other legitimate reports on transmission events and found that the vast majority of transmissions occurred indoors.

This is good news, if it holds. It means people can feel a little safer about going outside, getting sunshine, getting physical activity, and living their lives. Avoid crowds and wear a mask when you’re around people, but I’m cautiously optimistic that being outdoors is the safest place to be.

Does COVID-19 spread through breathing?

This has always been the great fear. Does the virus spread through aerosol from simple breathing, talking, or are sneezes, coughs, and yelling required? Are aerosolized viral particles enough? Or do we need larger droplets?

A new pre-print just came out that has people worried. They took breath samples from symptomatic COVID-19 patients, found live viral particles in the aerosolized droplets, and found they could replicate on isolated human cells.3

However, before you freak out, the story is more complicated than that.

Not all the samples grew; some subjects’ breath samples “didn’t take.” Some samples actually saw their viral particles decline in number. The smallest particles were the most successful at replicating, but the smallest particles also contained the lowest viral load.

The rate of growth was fairly low compared to how actual infections play out. The most successful samples only grew by 400% after six days. And that’s in an isolated human cell. When an entire human gets infected with COVID-19, the virus grows by thousands of percentage points every 8 hours or so.

That said, the virus is aerosolized, some of that aerosol contains replicable viral particles, and if you breathe enough of them in—probably by staying indoors with an infected person or people for an extended period of time — it’s possible to be infected. It’s pretty clear that larger droplets remain the big risk, though.

Can you be reinfected with COVID-19?

A pretty convincing thread of anecdotes out of Iran (one of the earliest and hardest-hit countries) claims that reinfections are occurring. This would suggest that immunity wanes, at least in some people.

Some experts have floated the idea that COVID-19 may be the type of virus that stays with you and cycles through active and dormant periods, like Epstein-Barr or herpes does. It hasn’t been around long enough to know yet whether or not that is the case.

Can we reach herd immunity for coronavirus without a vaccine?

At first, the antibody immunity data wasn’t very encouraging: antibody levels in the population weren’t anything close to crossing the herd immunity threshold, and the antibody response to COVID-19 seemed to diminish and wane after a few months.

But more recently, scientists are finding evidence of robust and widespread T-cell immunity. T-cells from other coronaviruses, like SARS, various animal coronaviruses, and perhaps even the common cold may work on COVID-19. This cross-immunity is long-lasting, too; even though SARS hit 17 years ago, many of the subjects in the study still had T-cell immunity against it.4 In another study, between 20-50% of unexposed people showed t-cell activity against COVID-19.5

From what I’m reading and hearing from experts, this has the potential to be a hugely positive development. My hope is that the huge death numbers are behind us, or at least trending that way. I hope those T-cell cross-immunity numbers persist in subsequent reports. I hope we start looking at T-cell immunity and not just antibody immunity.

Where I Stand

We’ll beat this thing. Of that there’s no doubt. We’ve made it to the other side of epidemics with much more primitive knowledge, tools, and technology. But here’s what I really worry about, other than the deaths, potential long-term health ramifications, and anything “physical.”

I’m seeing a lot of fear. I’m seeing people lose their appreciation for the rest of humanity. I’m seeing people use dehumanizing language to describe people who have different views on the seriousness of the virus. Neighbor doesn’t wear a mask? Don’t assume they’re evil or callous. Neighbor wants people to shelter in place? Don’t assume they’re authoritarians-in-waiting.

I worry about people who are too scared, too paralyzed to do the kinds of activities that are actually quite low-risk and would probably increase health and resistance, like going outside for hikes (even, gasp, with friends and family), getting sun and fresh air and exercise, moving through space and time rather than sitting hunched over your smartphone, scrolling through your echo chamber of choice.

Relax. Stay cautious and vigilant, yes. Stay safe. Don’t put yourself or anyone else at risk. No flippancy. But don’t forget to have fun and loosen up where you can. Low- to no-risk activities are out there. Do those.

If you have kids, they’re stressing out too. Believe me, they’re like sponges. They reflect what you’re giving off. Do it for them, if nothing else.

Lose the vitriol and the fear, more than anything. That stuff doesn’t go away so easily. Those divisions we’re building up between neighbors and family members and citizens may persist long after the pandemic has ended. Don’t let that happen!

We can do this.

Anyway, that’s how I’m viewing this whole coronavirus thing right now. Cautious but optimistic. What about you? How are you handling everything? Where do you see things going in the next few weeks?

(function($) { $("#dffYBaI").load("https://www.marksdailyapple.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php?action=dfads_ajax_load_ads&groups=674&limit=1&orderby=random&order=ASC&container_id=&container_html=none&container_class=&ad_html=div&ad_class=&callback_function=&return_javascript=0&_block_id=dffYBaI" ); })( jQuery );

References

https://www.medrxiv.org/content/10.1101/2020.04.04.20053058v1.full.pdf

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7327724/

https://www.medrxiv.org/content/10.1101/2020.07.13.20041632v2

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41586-020-2550-z

www.nature.com/articles/s41577-020-0389-z

The post Coronavirus Update: New Developments on COVID-19 appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

Coronavirus Update: New Developments on COVID-19 published first on https://venabeahan.tumblr.com

[jesseneufeld]

Coronavirus Update: New Developments on COVID-19

It’s been a couple months since I did a post explicitly about COVID-19, or SARS-COV2, or coronavirus, and since the pandemic is still happening and is on everyone’s mind, I’m going to do another one today. This time, I’m going to do a big picture look at where we stand on transmission risks, reinfections, immunity, and what I think we need to keep in mind as we go forward.

Where do we stand with coronavirus?

How is it transmitted—and how can we avoid it?

What’s the deal with herd immunity?

What are my thoughts on the biggest challenges yet to come?

What’s the riskiest place to be?

Indoor areas with low air circulation. Things seem to be spiking in hot areas where everyone stays indoors blasting the air conditioning and breathing in recycled air because it’s so damn hot outside. In regions where people get out into hot weather, like Hawaii, the virus is virtually non-existent. There are certainly other factors at play—Hawaii is an island protected by thousands of miles of water, for one, and they have a strict quarantine protocol for visitors—but many transmissions have been linked to indoor areas with AC.

Furthermore, all indications are that it’s harder to get infected from a “glancing blow.” Viral load—the number of viral particles you actually take in — is a big factor. If the initial load is small enough, your immune system has a better chance of fighting it off. If the load is too big, your immune system can get overwhelmed. What’s “too big” a load is different for everyone, but all else being equal, a larger viral load is worse. That’s why health care workers who spend a lot of time around infected patients are at a greater risk. But if you’re passing someone on the street? It’s going to be a much lower risk.

Is coronavirus easy to transmit outdoors?

I asked about this on Twitter the other day, wondering if anyone had good evidence of outdoor transmission. There were many responses. Some of the more notable ones.

A 4th of July beach party in Michigan. Hundreds of people standing close together in knee high water, lots of house boats, “several” cases of coronavirus. There was also a house party a couple hundred miles away the same weekend that produced 40 cases. The indoor house party was much more virulent than the outdoor beach party.

A Memorial Day party at the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri. Very crowded, looked iffy. One attendee ended up with coronavirus, but officials haven’t identified any other positive cases linked to the party. I wasn’t able to find any recent updates to the contrary. The outdoor lake party didn’t seem very dangerous in this instance.

No cases detected after the July 4th speech at Mount Rushmore. They could still pop up, given the potential lag time between exposure and symptoms, but it looks good so far.

There were also transmission cases after an outdoor graduation event and indoor prom on the same weekend. 19 students tested positive. All students attended both events, so it’s hard to determine if the cases occurred at the graduation event (which probably had indoor parties afterward) or at the prom (or both).

An earlier Chinese study found that out of 7,300 instances of person-to-person transmission, only one occurred outdoors.1 It happened during an extended conversation.

Overall, the most recent study I could find on the subject came to a similar conclusion.2 Researchers searched through PubMed, media stories, and any other legitimate reports on transmission events and found that the vast majority of transmissions occurred indoors.

This is good news, if it holds. It means people can feel a little safer about going outside, getting sunshine, getting physical activity, and living their lives. Avoid crowds and wear a mask when you’re around people, but I’m cautiously optimistic that being outdoors is the safest place to be.

Does COVID-19 spread through breathing?

This has always been the great fear. Does the virus spread through aerosol from simple breathing, talking, or are sneezes, coughs, and yelling required? Are aerosolized viral particles enough? Or do we need larger droplets?

A new pre-print just came out that has people worried. They took breath samples from symptomatic COVID-19 patients, found live viral particles in the aerosolized droplets, and found they could replicate on isolated human cells.3

However, before you freak out, the story is more complicated than that.

Not all the samples grew; some subjects’ breath samples “didn’t take.” Some samples actually saw their viral particles decline in number. The smallest particles were the most successful at replicating, but the smallest particles also contained the lowest viral load.

The rate of growth was fairly low compared to how actual infections play out. The most successful samples only grew by 400% after six days. And that’s in an isolated human cell. When an entire human gets infected with COVID-19, the virus grows by thousands of percentage points every 8 hours or so.

That said, the virus is aerosolized, some of that aerosol contains replicable viral particles, and if you breathe enough of them in—probably by staying indoors with an infected person or people for an extended period of time — it’s possible to be infected. It’s pretty clear that larger droplets remain the big risk, though.

Can you be reinfected with COVID-19?

A pretty convincing thread of anecdotes out of Iran (one of the earliest and hardest-hit countries) claims that reinfections are occurring. This would suggest that immunity wanes, at least in some people.

Some experts have floated the idea that COVID-19 may be the type of virus that stays with you and cycles through active and dormant periods, like Epstein-Barr or herpes does. It hasn’t been around long enough to know yet whether or not that is the case.

Can we reach herd immunity for coronavirus without a vaccine?

At first, the antibody immunity data wasn’t very encouraging: antibody levels in the population weren’t anything close to crossing the herd immunity threshold, and the antibody response to COVID-19 seemed to diminish and wane after a few months.

But more recently, scientists are finding evidence of robust and widespread T-cell immunity. T-cells from other coronaviruses, like SARS, various animal coronaviruses, and perhaps even the common cold may work on COVID-19. This cross-immunity is long-lasting, too; even though SARS hit 17 years ago, many of the subjects in the study still had T-cell immunity against it.4 In another study, between 20-50% of unexposed people showed t-cell activity against COVID-19.5

From what I’m reading and hearing from experts, this has the potential to be a hugely positive development. My hope is that the huge death numbers are behind us, or at least trending that way. I hope those T-cell cross-immunity numbers persist in subsequent reports. I hope we start looking at T-cell immunity and not just antibody immunity.

Where I Stand

We’ll beat this thing. Of that there’s no doubt. We’ve made it to the other side of epidemics with much more primitive knowledge, tools, and technology. But here’s what I really worry about, other than the deaths, potential long-term health ramifications, and anything “physical.”

I’m seeing a lot of fear. I’m seeing people lose their appreciation for the rest of humanity. I’m seeing people use dehumanizing language to describe people who have different views on the seriousness of the virus. Neighbor doesn’t wear a mask? Don’t assume they’re evil or callous. Neighbor wants people to shelter in place? Don’t assume they’re authoritarians-in-waiting.

I worry about people who are too scared, too paralyzed to do the kinds of activities that are actually quite low-risk and would probably increase health and resistance, like going outside for hikes (even, gasp, with friends and family), getting sun and fresh air and exercise, moving through space and time rather than sitting hunched over your smartphone, scrolling through your echo chamber of choice.

Relax. Stay cautious and vigilant, yes. Stay safe. Don’t put yourself or anyone else at risk. No flippancy. But don’t forget to have fun and loosen up where you can. Low- to no-risk activities are out there. Do those.

If you have kids, they’re stressing out too. Believe me, they’re like sponges. They reflect what you’re giving off. Do it for them, if nothing else.

Lose the vitriol and the fear, more than anything. That stuff doesn’t go away so easily. Those divisions we’re building up between neighbors and family members and citizens may persist long after the pandemic has ended. Don’t let that happen!

We can do this.

Anyway, that’s how I’m viewing this whole coronavirus thing right now. Cautious but optimistic. What about you? How are you handling everything? Where do you see things going in the next few weeks?

(function($) { $("#df06jP5").load("https://www.marksdailyapple.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php?action=dfads_ajax_load_ads&groups=674&limit=1&orderby=random&order=ASC&container_id=&container_html=none&container_class=&ad_html=div&ad_class=&callback_function=&return_javascript=0&_block_id=df06jP5" ); })( jQuery );

References

https://www.medrxiv.org/content/10.1101/2020.04.04.20053058v1.full.pdf

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7327724/

https://www.medrxiv.org/content/10.1101/2020.07.13.20041632v2

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41586-020-2550-z

www.nature.com/articles/s41577-020-0389-z

The post Coronavirus Update: New Developments on COVID-19 appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

Coronavirus Update: New Developments on COVID-19 published first on https://drugaddictionsrehab.tumblr.com/

[ulrichfoester]

9 Tips to Manage Anxiety and Stress During the Coronavirus COVID-19 Pandemic

Managing Coronavirus Stress

In a matter of a few short weeks people around the world have awakened to the reality of the coronavirus pandemic. Initially, here in the West we assumed the coronavirus was a problem unique to China, far, far away from the USA. However, in the ensuing weeks it became clear that the virus was virulent and highly contagious, hopping all over the globe in no time.

The United States was not impervious. The virus, referred to why the World Health Organization (WHO) as Covid-19, made it to our shores six weeks ago via evacuation efforts to retrieve citizens from China and also the forlorn virus-ridden Diamond Princess cruise ship anchored off the coast of Japan. Even though strict quarantines protected US citizens from exposure to the virus, anxiety levels began to rise anyway. News had leaked out of China on social media that this was a concerning pathogen.

The reality is that the coronavirus had actually appeared here in the US weeks prior, through seemingly healthy travelers arriving by the thousands each day. Because the virus incubates for up to 10 days before symptoms emerge, folks returning from their international trips were unwitting carriers, seeding the bug all around the country.

Now that Italy is in lockdown, there is no ignoring the voracity of this virus, so people are beginning to take notice. What comes with this new awareness is a whole lot of anxiety. As humans, we are fearful of something we cannot see that has the potential to impact our physical wellbeing, especially for individuals older than age 60. How we manage the anxiety and protect our mental health during the coronavirus pandemic will make or break our ability to successfully navigate this significant event.

How the Coronavirus Causes Anxiety and Stress

Anxiety spikes when we feel we have lost control over a situation. It is especially upsetting with the threat to our health and wellbeing is a microscopic entity, invisible to the naked eye. A virus is not a concrete thing that we can easily avoid, which causes the coronavirus to invoke a deep-seated anxiety. For instance, although scientists are knowledgeable of certain things, the public by and large does not know:

How long the virus may live on surfaces

How long the virus remains active in the air

Who is infected, since many are asymptomatic

Whether we should be wearing masks, with conflicting data on this

What size social groups are safe, how large a group is unsafe

How sick will we become if infected

How many months this will impact our country

The financial fallout due to reduced commerce, cancelled events, restricted travel

Whether there will be government assistance should this affect us for weeks or months

What all to buy to prepare for a potential period of isolation

All of these unknowns add up and stoke stress and anxiety. To deal with the worry and fear, some may chose to ignore the growing threat of the coronavirus. Denial is a comfortable blanket to throw over one’s head when reality looks a little too scary. But suppressing the fears through denial will only exacerbate the anxiety. Not only is there fear of the virus, but the paralysis to do anything proactive to prepare will only fuel further anxiety later.

9 Tips for Managing Anxiety and Stress

It is totally appropriate to recognize the signs of anxiety in oneself at a time like this. Again, it is the feeling of being out of control over a situation that makes us feel so scared. But we are all, globally, in the same boat. No one is immune from this trigger. If we recognize that we are not alone, and that everyone is feeling tense right now, that will go a long way toward achieving some equilibrium. So, take some deep cleansing breaths and embrace these tips for managing anxiety during the coronavirus outbreak:

Get Prepared. Make a list of items to purchase this week, the things that will keep you and your family functioning during the uncertain weeks ahead. Canned foods, frozen foods and vegetables, shelf-stable milks such as almond milk or oat milk, cereals, oats, nuts, bottled water, and don’t forget the comfort foods—snacks and treats. Grab some paper products (get these soon!) such as toilet paper, paper towels, and tissue. After your fridge and pantry are stocked you will feel less anxious about potentially being homebound.

Medication. If you are on any prescription drugs it is wise to get at least a two-month supply now. This is because 80% of our medications are made in China, and the Chinese have been quarantined for two months now so there will be a disruption in the supply chain. Don’t forget to grab some over-the-counter basics, like Tylenol, Advil, Nyquil, Mucinex, Robitusin, and Elderberry syrup as well, as these, too, will be depleted in the months ahead.

Supplements. Begin boosting your immune system now by supplementing your diet with vitamin D, vitamin C, and zinc. In addition, it will be wise to grab some B-complex vitamins as fresh produce may become more difficult to obtain if quarantined.

Pet food. If you have pets, remember to plan ahead for them as well. Stock up on food and treats for a two-month period. Knowing your pet will be well fed will reduce stress.

Entertainment Plans. If it happens that we are to remain in our homes for a prolonged period of a few weeks, why not get a couple of new board games or books. Make a list of all the shows on Netflix you have been wanting to see but never had the time. Unleash your creative juices and make jewelry, draw, paint, or make crafts—at least that will feel productive. And don’t forget to grab some activities to keep the kids busy.

Avoid News Binging. While in fear mode it is completely natural to want to know the updates on the virus. However, watching wall-to-wall news will likely increase feelings of distress and anxiety. Seeing newscasts about the number of cases in not only our country but across the world can become a heavy stress burden. Instead, grab an update in the morning and a wrap-up in the evening, but fill that in-between time with productive or recreational activity.

Exercise. Each region will have its own quarantine protocols, so check with your local official website for restrictions on movement. For those who are free to get outdoors, take a couple of hearty walks, a bike ride, or a run every day. This will expose you to vitamin D through sunshine, which can help improve mood, as well as provide the many mental health benefits from regular exercise. If movement is tightly restricted, indoor exercise activities can be achieved through yoga or workout routines posted on YouTube. The videos offer a variety of toning, stretching, and movements that can keep you in shape during a quarantine. Maybe pick up some hand weights, too.

Relaxation Techniques. Another way to increase relaxation and improve overall wellbeing is through practicing mindfulness techniques, deep-breathing exercises, or guided meditation. Mindfulness is the purposeful practice of focusing on the present moment. It helps you shift your wandering stressful thoughts back to the here and now, where you address the emotions, how you feel physically, and all sensations and accept them without judgment. Deep breathing exercises are very effective in quickly reducing stress and lowering blood pressure when fears about the coronavirus take a grip. Guided meditation apps are available for free and can transport you to a calm, peaceful place through mental imaging.

Have Hope. Our country has weathered many a storm in its history. Somehow, the American people always demonstrate an impressive level of resilience amid chaos. Think about 911 and how we rallied as a nation. We are facing some challenges, that is certain, but we need to trust in our own abilities to navigate trials, lean on our faith, and have hope that our government will provide some relief as we move through these very interesting times.

When Anxiety Treatment is Indicated

Even when all the above tips are employed, sometimes anxiety can just be too much to manage on your own. During a natural disaster such as this coronavirus outbreak, it is possible to develop an anxiety disorder, such as generalized anxiety disorder or panic disorder:

Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) symptoms include:

Persistent worrying, constant feelings of fear or dread

Unable to relax, restlessness

Difficulty concentrating

Sweating

Trembling

Muscle tension

Fatigue

Sleep problems

Irritability

Being indecisive

Always expecting the worse-case scenario

Nausea, diarrhea

Panic disorder symptoms include:

Overwhelming terror

Chest pain

Shortness of breath or difficulty breathing

Racing heart

Lightheadedness

Shaking

Heart palpitations

Sweating

Nausea

Fear you might die

Numbness or tingling in hands or feet

Feeling detached

If anxiety due to the coronavirus has led to impairment in functioning it is time to consult with a mental health professional. After a thorough assessment and review of health history and mental health history, a treatment plan will be developed. Anxiety treatment is a three-part process that includes psychotherapy, medication, and relaxation techniques. With these interventions, an anxiety can be effectively managed for optimal quality of life.

Essential Mental Health Support and Guidance

The Treatment Specialist is an online resource for individuals seeking information about mental health conditions or substance use disorders. If you are experiencing anxiety due to the coronavirus COVID-19 epidemic and are having trouble functioning at normal levels, please contact a Treatment Specialist. Our expert team will provide a free assessment and a review of anxiety treatment options. Call us today at (866) 644-7911.

The post 9 Tips to Manage Anxiety and Stress During the Coronavirus COVID-19 Pandemic appeared first on The Treatment Specialist.

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[sportymama]

I’ve been on and off about writing in The Time of COVID. I have friends and family all over the place about this crazy time of quarantine, and rationing toilet paper and visiting supermarkets with masks at only certain times of the day. For us, things haven’t been as hard-hitting as some have experienced. It’s heartbreaking to see the loss of jobs, business, finances, health, and the fear that has struck so many. Our area was later to the game as far as quarantine lock-downs and runs to the store to hoard goods. Little by little, we saw a trickle of items disappear but still at any given moment I’ve been able to walk into a store and get toilet paper. My husband and I eat a whole food plant-based diet, so for us, stocking a freezer or pantry doesn’t work incredibly well. . When I first decided to grab a couple “extras” it was 2 cans of chickpeas and 2 cans of black beans. Fear has caused people to go… a little off the rails. Throughout this entire time, I have continued shopping every few days. The fresh produce has been PLENTIFUL! My hubs and I joked that with the world ending, the Vegans will live on because as inside isles (packaged & processed foods) of the grocery store were getting barer and barer, the fruits, veggies, nuts, herbs, lentils, beans and seeds were overflowing.

I have had a few days when we watched the news and I thought… am I having a false sense of security? Should I run to the store and stock my car full? I didn’t and here we are, eating a healthy diet, still.

We are not news watchers. We never have been. I like a morning update (online) and the Sunday NY Times which we have delivered. ALL of a sudden I noticed my phone starting to blow-up with all sorts of banners and alerts and warnings. My social media feeds were going crazy with news and photos of cars filled with sanitizer and toilet paper. I started to fall prey to looking more. Finally, I took a step back. The media has been on a feeding frenzy over this and THEY SELL FEAR! Fear is the best way to control people. We can’t allow fear to dictate our stories. I did a social media cleanse which included cleansing from not only “looking” but also getting rid of articles and groups that were not nurturing my soul. I always say… just like the food you put into your body, what you put in your mind can be just as corrosive. Junk in, junk out. As an athlete, I would never demand or expect my body to perform well feeding it junk. Same with my mind. Watch news all day and see how you feel versus taking ONE day to not check your phone, not check your social feeds and instead get outside and move a little. Go for a hike, bike or walk in the fresh air. Take big full gulps of oxygen. See how things look after 24 hours. You’ll be amazed! Sitting inside during a pandemic may be the worst thing you could do.

My hubs and have a ritual; every morning we have coffee together and read and discuss a devotional. We pray together. It’s how we start the day to set our hearts and minds in a trajectory for the GOOD. It’s grown our faith. Some days challenge us. Much like that morning cuppa that gets people going, this does the same thing for us. Our minds are set above the waves and that’s how we walk through the rest our day. Not getting mired down. Even when things are trending downward globally we can still have the hope for a great tomorrow. We walk in gratitude and focus on things within our control. Not dwelling on the negative or the past. Each day is new and brings along with it, fresh opportunities. No matter who you are, this is a good practice. Set an intention.

We talked this morning about how much change this virus and quarantine is bringing to not only our states and nation, but the world! We have, for years, been a population of technology. Don’t get me wrong technology is fantastic (hello Zoom dinners and cocktail parties!) but the whole “social” part of social media has lent to people feeling more isolated, more alone, more depressed. People NEED people. We talked about how during this time of being more isolated than ever, MAYBE this is what will cause a change. A shift! I can tell you RIGHT now, I am dying to hug ALL the people. This has challenged me (us) G and I are very social. We love going out, going to breweries, going to restaurants, wine bars, museums, concerts, the theatre and we love people. We miss socializing with friends. I have continued to run with friends weekly since this virus started. We’ve been very careful to keep our distance, which is easy when you’re dealing with a bunch of dirt and vert loving trail runners. Not to mention that most of the time we are in the middle of Nowhere, Wild Forest, North Carolina. It’s nothing but space and fresh air. BUT I cannot wait to high-five after a good long run. Or hug goodbye when we get back into our cars. As a social person IRL this has been hard.

We talked this morning about the fact that we will probably never walk by a stranger without talking to them. We won’t ever sit by someone in a restaurant without saying hello. We won’t ever pass up the opportunity for a hug. Our pastor is SO great (in normal circumstances) before we sit in church on Sunday mornings he will always say, “hug 3, 7, 10…14 people!” Some days it is awkward. It will never be again!

There are still ways, even now, to feel the fullness of life. Are you eating well or have you succumbed to boxed foods because you feel like it’s what you hoarded and now need to consume? DON’T! Are you still exercising? Even with 100% of the country on stay-at-home orders and social distancing, the outdoors are still open. Fresh air is still available to you. Get outside! Pick up a new hobby. Read more. Paint. Take the time for bubble baths. Rearrange your furniture. Give your house a good spring cleaning. Purge all of the unrecognizable, unnecessary “things” you’ve collected that aren’t serving you a purpose anymore and are collecting dust. Clean a closet or cabinet a day and donate. A lot of people are in need right now and it feels good to bless with your excess. Learn to cook some new incredible meals. Challenge your significant other to an Iron Chef cook-off (we love doing this) Learn yoga or practice meditation. Lean into God and learn WHO he really is. Play board games. Go outside barefoot and stand or walk in your lawn. (This alone can make you feel better) Contact with the Earth’s surface electrons by walking barefoot outside is a therapeutic technique. It has positive effects on your body; improving sleep, helps pain management, reduces stress, anxiety, reduces inflammation and boosts immunity.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am a sold-out 100-percent glass half full girl! I can make a rainbow out of anything. Find the pony in the manure. I laugh a lot (and always have) and sometimes that’s all we can do. I grew up in a home lacking laughter, so as an adult, a wife, a mother that is something we nurtured and cultivated in our family. We laugh

A LOT.

We played tricks and pranks and had food fights, were silly, and joked about all sorts of things. We are, in general, a pretty un-serious crew. PS: laughing is great for your immune system.

I flung open my door and invited laughter right in to sit on my couch and have coffee, daily!

Take some time to laugh about things. Get goofy.

Have you chosen to change some things up, instead of being mired down in the fear of what “could happen?” Growing up all I heard from my parents was “what if?” As an adult, that was something I fought against. It didn’t make sense to me to think in those terms. For me, God flipped a switch from “what if?” in the negative sense to “what if!!!” in the excited and expectant sense. I never have the dismal, cloudy thoughts of “what if something goes bad.” And if I start down that road I can easily remember “This is the day the Lord has made… I love the TPT translation; “This is the very day of the Lord that brings gladness and joy, filling our hearts with glee.”

Are you still finding gratitude and joy every day?

Have you allowed yourself some down-time and self-care and some time to figure out a new plan? A new normal. Sitting and thinking about what could happen only steals the joy of today. Most of the time the “what if” and “this could happen” NEVER does. BUT what if it does? “What if” this is a brand new start to something extraordinary? Find new passions. Soak yourself in new wishes and goals and cravings and hope. Rediscover your spouse and who you fell in love with years ago. Watch your kids play outside and cultivate in yourself some of that youthful curiosity. Make a list of some dreams that you and your husband shelved a few years back, bring them to the forefront, and start creating the plan to make them happen post C19. Reorder your priorities. Allow things that are not serving you to break off and fall away. Make changes. Change is not comfortable and that’s why most people shy away from it, but you can’t grow if you don’t allow it to happen. Prune off the old, dead, damaged buds for new growth to spring forward.

I have done all of the above during this pandemic. Coming back from Central America as COVID was starting to make its way around the globe halted a lot of plans that my husband and I had. It halted our B-days, it halted a trip to NYC to celebrate our B-days, it paused some big races that we were training for and it paused a huge backpacking trip in the South Asia mountains of Nepal.

I’ve been reading a lot in Psalms and noticed that so many say “Interlude” between paragraphs. I have another Bible version that instead of “Interlude” is says, “Pause in His Presence” I loved this and realized this is where we are right now. Paused. It’s had allowed us a breath. A gigantic intake of fullness. A gulp of oxygen. It’s made room for some pretty spectacular new friendships to grow. It’s given us more time for our Life Group (eGroup) through our church; even if currently we have to meet every week via Zoom. Ha! It’s given us a chance to have some fun challenges with other friends that we run with, without the daily training schedule we usually keep to. It has allowed me to bake more. (Still wondering if this is good or bad) Ha! It’s given us the opportunity to explore more of our gorgeous state and the surrounding mountains, trails, and beaches.

How do you see this pause? Are you freaked and panicked and fearful? Are you thinking about what you’re missing right now or looking in the past? Or have you allowed this slow intermission to grow your potential? To allow joy to saturate all the dry patches? To allow some healing on your mind, body, and soul? To repair what was lacking and broken? To enable you to find new passions, interests, potential, and empowerment? To let go of things not serving you? To de-clutter not only your house but your heart and soul? To bring your tank to fullness? Are you being refreshed?

Your inward disposition will always determine your outward outlook. You cannot let what’s happening around you affect what’s living in you.

Do you find yourself saying you just want to get back to normal? Back to the old way?

I keep thinking to a few weeks ago at church and the notes I jotted down; what if normal isn’t something to get back to? What if we want to get back to what we were trying to get rid of in the first place? When you are fearful you reach out to what is familiar even if the familiar was killing you. Negativity can feel normal. Keep believing and trusting God by faith or you’re going to find yourself missing today’s opportunities because you were too attached to yesterday’s blessing.

  “If God can’t get your attention he will change your direction.” Wow!! Is he changing your direction right now? Your faith grows in unfamiliar places.

It’s a different time for sure but remember; Faith looks forward!

Keep your eyes above the waves and keep bumping into blessings, my friends.

  *Media notes curtesy of PSF. Wave lyrical quote curtesy of Oceans by Hillsong United

Untapped Fullness I’ve been on and off about writing in The Time of COVID. I have friends and family all over the place about this crazy time of quarantine, and rationing toilet paper and visiting supermarkets with masks at only certain times of the day.

[mercadosadaf]

The Value of Swimming In Uncertain Times

Hi Swimmers

Firstly, apologies for the radio silence over the last few weeks on the blog - we've had the whole Swim Smooth team busily engaged in a complete revamp of the entire www.swimsmooth.com website and coaching interface, and whilst we are not quite done, we are getting very close and hope to resume the blog and our usual community engagement very soon. Thanks for your patience and understanding.

Today, Head Coach Paul Newsome, has prepared a reflective piece for you on the value of swimming and what it means to us all, especially in these uncertain times. We hope it allows you to pause over a cup of tea or coffee and think a little bit about your own swimming and how your relationship with the water might have changed somewhat in the last 12 months.

Paul features three brief stories of some inspiring swimmers he has had the pleasure to work with and how their swimming journeys have been significantly altered by the coronavirus, mostly for the better. Paul summarises with some of his own take-home points on how this period has changed his own thinking on swimming somewhat and how his ordinarily extrinsic competitive goalposts have shifted to a place of intrinsic challenge and finding a new calm with that. So please, relax, put your feet up and let’s get a little zen for a moment.

The Value of Swimming in Uncertain Times

I was recently invited as a guest on the new An Open Water Swimmer's Podcast with host Will Ellis (release date: 28th February here) to discuss my love and passion for swimming - an easy topic for me! Will is a great host and someone I'd taken for a Swim Smooth analysis session as part of a group over a decade ago in the UK. Given my area of technical interest in swimming, many podcasts that we've done with other hosts have always centered on these elements, but Will took a very different slant, one which focused very much on the "why" of swimming.

Why do I swim? Why do I enjoy the water? Why swimming and not another sport? I came away with a headful of thoughts that I'd either never given due consideration to before, or maybe some that crystallized a growing appreciation I've started to foster of late?

Given the current state of play with COVID-19 restrictions on our sport over the last 12 months, I feel my own relationship with water has not necessarily changed per se but it's definitely evolved. Perhaps though, it's me who's changed and it's this period of intrinsic reflection that has heightened the "why" behind what we all love to do? For many of you, could the absence of being able to do the thing you love or the thing that perhaps challenges you the most (as a triathlete maybe?) be the necessary catalyst to kick your swimming to new heights of appreciation (however you measure that) when we do all come through this? I'm certainly seeing that in myself and my squad of very lucky swimmers over here in Perth, Australia.

Lady Luck

Over the last 12 months, Perth has been heralded as one of the best places on the planet with respect to the relatively few restrictions and impact of the coronavirus - many of us scarcely realizing how lucky we are. Next week will see 3,500 people start one of the largest open water swims on the planet, the Rottnest Channel Swim, in which I will be competing with a good friend over the 20km distance. We have, however, just come out of a heavily publicized (albeit very short) 5-day lockdown here in Perth which restricted access to the pools and saw us only being able to swim solo in the open water or with one other family member. This incident garnered international press on account of the very rapid and focused response to a single case in the community transferred between a quarantined hotel guest and a security guard. The whole state came to a grinding halt for just one case - everything ceased and panic was high. Despite extensive testing (myself included) of those who may have been in the vicinity of this one person, fortunately, no other community transmission has occurred. Consequently, life is returning to some form of normality again. 

One of the hardest things I've personally struggled with over the last 12 months though is being able to fully appreciate and empathize with just how brutal this period must have been - and continues to be - for many of you from the perspective of being able to simply enjoy the pleasures of a nice swim. Lady Luck has shone down on me, and for why, I do not know? I feel a toiling mixed sense of guilt, of pure luck, and of umbrage at myself for the seemingly petty feeling of missing the ability to travel overseas and share my love of swimming with you all, wherever you might be. I miss it so much and yet feel I have no right to do so given where I have the good fortune to be right now. 

I had a frank conversation before Christmas with my Mum about this. Many of you know Linda as "Mother Smooth" and if you've ever ordered anything from us, she'd have sent it to you. True to the adage that "Mum always knows best", I finally managed to pluck up the courage and expand on how excited I was to be taking my wife and two kids camping over the Christmas holidays to a beautiful town called Albany in the South West which we'd all visited together as a family a few years earlier. Mother Smooth couldn't understand why I'd not told her sooner, to which I responded that I didn't want to make her feel bad. "Feel bad?" she quizzed, "I am at my happiest when I know you are happy". Profound stuff - good old Mum!

The Changing Tide

So, what has this all really got to do with swimming? If you are in the northern hemisphere, chances are you are sick to the back teeth of hearing about the coronavirus and maybe even more so the thought that other pockets of the world are experiencing far fewer restrictions than yourself currently. Last week's swift lockdown gave me a rapid reminder though just how uncertain these times can be - the tide can change on a dime so easily. What has been remarkable for me has been watching how those of you who still continue in enforced lockdowns have survived this last 12 months and I'd like to recognize some of the cool - and crazy - things you've been doing, obviously simply for the joy of needing to get your swim in! Perhaps you can tell us more about how you've weathered this storm so far?

Helen Webster, UK

I met Helen in March 2014 at the 220 Triathlon Show in London. As the editor of the 220 Triathlon Magazine, Helen had taken it upon herself to learn to swim freestyle properly for an upcoming triathlon and I was tasked with assisting her with that goal in an Endless Pool and in front of hundreds of people. For someone with very little swimming experience at that point, Helen did amazingly well in front of such a crowd and it’s a testament to her bubbly “can do” spirit that she took on this challenge!

We spent a good hour or so filming her stroke, analyzing it (in front of everyone!), and then getting back into the pool to correct her issues which mainly centred around developing confidence in the water and improving the timing of her stroke, specifically her breathing. Back then, Helen was what we’d have described as a classic Bambino - someone very new to swimming with a relatively high level of anxiety in the water - so to see the following images circulating on Helen’s Facebook page in the last couple of weeks simply blew my mind! Helen’s gone all Bear Grylls on us and now is not happy unless she has to break the ice in her backyard pool just to ensure she gets her swim in! I’m so proud of her as a mate!

Here's Helen on what the last 12 months have meant for her swimming:

"Open-water swimming has been a key part of my training week ever since taking those first steps with Paul all those years ago! Lockdown had made me realise just how important swimming is to me though and in so many ways. Not living near the coast and with managed venues nearby forced to close I've realised how much I rely on swimming for lifting my mood, giving me a pause from a busy world and fully immersing myself in nature. I'm a pool swimmer too and with centres all closed I'm even missing the tang of chlorine and having to do kick drills!!

It sounds melodramatic but a tearful moment on the phone with a friend prompted her to gift me a garden pool and swimming tethered has given me a route back to the water (thanks to Swim Smooth Coach Jason Tait for the tethered swim sets!). It's also led me to a new swim community who are making the most of what they have and finding humour in sitting in ice baths and under hosepipes, or sharing tips for how to stop your garden pool freezing!

I can't wait to have my 'proper' swimming back and believe me, will never take it for granted again. I'm planning a swim challenge for September and keeping fingers crossed it goes ahead!"

Sue Allingham, Denmark

Sue attended one of our 3-day Swim Smooth Coach Education Courses in Mallorca, Spain back in May 2019 and was clearly a super-passionate swimmer and coach. We’ve remained in close contact via Messenger since and she frequently sends me crazy pictures of where she’s been swimming, however, nothing could quite prepare me for this one - her frozen Margarita experience (as she calls it)!

When I asked Sue about what the last 12 months have meant for her swimming, she said this:

"A year ago I entered the World Ice Swimming Championships in Bled Slovenia for a laugh. 2 weeks later I broke both my wrists and then Lockdown! By April I was going stir crazy and the day I had my casts removed, I got back into the sea, as the pools were shut. Little did I know that I would continue going in every day since! As my wrists got stronger, I could swim longer but the thought of trying to pull on a wetsuit was hanging over my head. By the time I probably could get one on I no longer felt the need. I continued to swim throughout the year and ended up becoming the Danish age-group champion in 25m & 100m Freestyle - Ice swimming and 5k Openwater. 

A year on from Covid and we are still in the sea and simply just grabbing any opportunity to jump in the water, to try new beaches or temperatures. As you can see from the picture, we’ve started making our own frozen Margaritas! 

What will I do when the pools open again? Dive in and just keep swimming! Never thought I’d miss the black line so much. Swimming as always is such a social thing & drinking coffee with friends after each swim has really made Lockdown actually enjoyable. Already looking at SwimRuns in Sweden, hopefully as it’s close by we may be allowed to travel. Otherwise lots of pre-paid events carried over from last year. I live in hope. 

One thing is for sure, the sea is always open!"

Mark Turner, Switzerland

Mark also attended one of our other 3-day Swim Smooth Coach Education Courses in Mallorca, Spain (the week after Sue) and had just a few months prior completed the Rottnest Channel Swim here in Perth. Mark set up the world’s most prestigious multi-day cycling event for amateurs, the Haute Route, which is a brutally tough challenge in a breathtakingly beautiful landscape. Mark was also the man behind Ellen MacArthur’s sailing career (who set the world record in 2005 for the fastest solo circumnavigation of the globe), the Offshore Challenges/OC Sport business, and the Extreme Sailing Series, and is widely seen as a visionary in the sport of sailing. And, if all that wasn't enough, Mark led the Volvo Ocean Race series as CEO in 2016/17. Needless to say, Mark is not someone to do things by half and is always up for a (big) challenge! 

Mark now lives in Switzerland on the banks of Lake Geneva and is fastidious about his swimming, especially a weekly completion of the infamous 10 x 400m Red Mist Endurance session! Like with many parts of the world, Mark has had unreliable access to his local pool over the last 12 months and so has turned to the great outdoors instead…even during the middle of winter! Hooking up regularly with like-minded souls in these freezing temperatures has been what has kept Mark going and will stand him in good stead when the world finally comes back to some sense of normality.

It Is What It Is

I think one of the most obvious things with each of these three swimmers - and yourself hopefully too - is that they’ve simply rolled with the punches that 2020 and beyond has brought their way. They’ve got on with it, adapted, pivoted, and thrived in a new environment and in doing so sought out other goals to keep them motivated and in the game. Resilience personified. We always talk so virtuously in training and racing about “control the controllable”, and clearly, none of this is in any of our control right now. Way back in April 2020 when we were still in lockdown and I was personally unable to coach, a very close friend and one of my athletes, Nolan McDonnell told me to “stop trying to save us all - we can look after ourselves!” in response to me frantically trying to work out how to keep everyone fit and engaged when I couldn’t be with them face-to-face. It really struck a chord with me, and whilst it didn’t happen overnight, I did begin to accept the situation. 

Knowing I wouldn’t be able to travel and spread the Swim Smooth word - as has been my life over the last 16 or so years - was a real blow, but ever so gradually I started to move beyond this and to focus on what I could do, not what I couldn’t. For me personally, that’s meant plenty more time at home with the family, and as we are seeing on the pool deck at the moment, plenty of opportunities to be super consistent with our respective training schedules too. The squad here in Perth has never swum so quickly before, ever! Why? Everyone has their groundhog day schedule dialled in and they’re sticking to it because there’s nowhere else to go, and there’s something very centring about that, zen even. 

Fancying a challenge myself - and recognizing the collective benefit of encouraging others to follow suit - I have even got myself back into doing a few triathlons, marathon swims, and even the odd SwimRun event too! Taking on a range of varied challenges was in an effort to not put all our eggs into one basket in case events got canceled or postponed. 

Again, I’m super privileged to be able to do these things right now, and part of that appreciation brings a whole new angle on why we do what we do. For me, it’s all been about my shared experience of training up with one of my best mates Chris to do the Rottnest Channel Swim together as a Duo next week. With last week’s unprecedented lockdown it looked certain to be canceled but you know what, I wasn’t bothered in the slightest! The religiously attended Sunday morning swim with Chris in the river is what it’s all about - not the event itself. Swimming + Best Mate = Win. 

Sure, the race will be a nice finale, but the old adage of “the journey is better than the destination” is what this whole crazy period has really taught me. We egg each other on even in the middle of winter and for me, this has seen a major step away from the profound sense of training for competition’s sake, to training for training’s sake, and for the social camaraderie that this has brought. I wouldn’t change that for the world.

Even if you haven’t had the opportunity (yet) to be quite so free in your activities, that time will come again, hopefully very soon, and in the meantime, just set yourself some little consistency of routine benchmarks to tick off. Get creative like our friends above (just maybe not quite so crazy!). How many swims in the river can you consistently do every Sunday? Can you always ensure you meet up with Bob for your Friday lunchtime jog in the park? Make sure you commit to that group ride on Zwift you booked in for on the Companion app etc. It’s the little things, done often that will keep you going and when the world opens up again, you’ll be ready! 

Thanks for reading. Swim on!

Paul

from Sports http://www.feelforthewater.com/2021/02/the-value-of-swimming-in-uncertain-times.html via http://www.rssmix.com/