#feel free to lmk what you think

[everythingmp3]

adult Van being your ex lover and trying to get you back - headcanons 𐙚

some detailed thoughts about the scenario of having dated her "casually" for a while until she broke it off bc it got too intense and romantic - only for her to beg for forgiveness after a while. this is narrative in structure, basically a timeline from the first date to where it ended up eventually <3

warnings: nsfw mentions (minors dni), a good amount of emotional lesbian dating drama.

how it all started:

you met on an app, nothing out of the ordinary, but the thing that was unusual, was the Van asked you to meet up after just one day of texting

with other people, she was often the type to leave them on read for a few days before eventually agreeing to a date, but with you she found herself smiling at all your texts right from the start, which was new for her, so just one day after you first texted, she straight up asked "hey would you wanna go out for dinner this weekend?".

your first date was at a nice yet underrated Italian place downtown that she wanted to show you, it was a dimly lit space that was romantic but not overly so and you felt at ease around each other right from the start - you were both insanely nervous the few hours before you met (she definitely felt very sick at one point) but the moment you hugged hello, it felt so natural that all nerves just fell off, replaced by the giddiness of sensing an instant attraction

the evening was lovely, from start to finish. Van made you laugh way more than you had expected, which delighted her immensely and only made her try even harder to win you over completely - she made you try her meal and insisted on you taking a few more bites when it was clear that you really liked it, she never broke eye contact, she leaned closer and touched your hand about an hour into the date when it was clear that you wanted her to - you talked about everything under the sun and lost track of time, sharing a desert and gazing at each other over the table with sparkling eyes, you making her flush whenever you complimented her or looked at her for too long - so by the time you were ready to leave you both felt a shared sense of disbelief like "wow.. this was so nice. I already like you so much."

she offered to drive you home when you told her that you had walked there and once you were parked in front of your house, you both kind of just sat there in silence, a bit nervous, the good kind, smiling to yourselves in the dark before you looked at each other and you told her "I had a really nice time. can we do this again sometime?", she nodded and leaned over to you and said "yes. please." a pause before she added "can I kiss you?", unsure if you would want her to after just one date but you didnt even answer, you just leaned in and gave her a deep, passionate kiss as a response, feeling her smile into it.

your next date was a few days later at a bar, around 9pm, because you had great chemistry and were clearly dying to get your hands on each other, but didnt just wanna make it a hook-up - so you spent about an hour getting tipsy, touching each other under the table, staring into each others eyes and saying overly sweet things like "you’re so pretty.." and "I thought about you a lot this week" before she finally caved and said "should we go back to my place?".

the main thing that made you both obsess over each other was the intimacy you shared. the first time you fucked, you were both out of breath and frantic with desire but it was heavenly - you giggled when you both almost tripped on the way up to her apartment and tore each others clothes off without much elegance, you spent a good amount of time just dry-humping and making out because you were so deeply into each other and really wanted to savor every part of it - moaning pathetically as you both took turns kissing each others necks while grinding and moving, growing unbearably needy and wet from it before you went down on her for the first time.

Van hadn’t told you this explicitly but the second she had her thighs around your head, you realized that your instinct about her had been right: she wanted to surrender. she wasn’t the kind of older woman who only dreamed of dominating her younger partner, she was the type to get most turned on from the idea of you ruining her, so, you used it to your full advantage: eating her out until she was a shaking mess, addicted to her taste, to her sounds, her sensitivity and reactiveness to your touch, and Van thought "yeah, I am fucked. she got me good. this is perfect."

she definitely returned the favor just as eagerly and took her time jerking you off, feeling how wet you’d gotten from eating her out, praising you and lapping it up and kissing and biting your thighs - which was just the beginning of a long night of you taking turns, losing track of time, tribbing and rubbing up against each other, taking little breaks to just kiss and caress each other and catch your breaths. you took a water break before you looked at her and said "do you wanna sit on my face..", which nearly made her choke on her own spit.

you ended the night with your face entirely covered in her juices, blissed out from the feeling of her using you like that, whining and moaning and uttering things like "fuck you feel so good.." while she held your head and rocked her hips against your mouth, already sore from the fucking before but not too sore to absolutely ride herself into oblivion on your tongue. you definitely needed her to do that again, and again and again...

eventually you both fell asleep naked and exhausted around 4 am and both woke up naturally around 10 the next morning. you both laid in bed for a few minutes, smiling almost a bit shyly at how desperate you’d been for each other, both of you turned on from the sight of little hickeys and love bites youd left on the others body - she made you coffee and lent you some of her clothes and asked if youd wanna come over again in the coming days - of course you did.

from then on, you saw each other more and more. sometimes you went on proper dates, like getting lunch and a coffee after or going for a walk and looking at some book stores or thrift shops together, a few times even driving out of the city a bit to see some pretty nature and get fresh air (maybe messing around in public a bit) but a good amount of the time you just came over to her place after school or work and spent the night together, relaxing together, chatting and drinking or watching a film before you inevitably ended up in her bed.

Van definitely liked you more than she said out loud. she did not go on any other dates after she met you, didn’t even talk to anyone else, she was completely focused on you. at first, she thought "oh this is fun, I have a hot girl that I can just call over and have fun with" but a few weeks into it, she realized just how far from casual it all was. she hadnt planned on it, she had gone onto the apps with the goal of finding a way to get off, not to fall in love, but... things were turning out a bit differently..

she started texting you throughout the day, asking you how you were, making sure you were fine, offering you rides whenever you had to be somewhere far from home or had to be picked up. she held you whenever you fell asleep in her bed and comforted you when you were going through something, she wiped your tears when you were embarrassed about crying in front of her, you confided in her and she often gave you little gifts to cheer you up - in general, she gave you way more than you asked for, she was sweet to a degree that shocked even herself.

she is old-fashioned so rather than texting too much, you often called each other, which turned into a sweet ritual: you having her on speaker when you cleaned your room or folded your laundry, her talking to you while making her coffee in the morning and saying "oh come on, you’ll do great" whenever you complained to her about a nerve-wrecking thing you had to master that day. her promising you "how about this, when you get done, text me, I will pick you up and we can go to your restaurant of choice to celebrate, okay?"

Van acted like your girlfriend, right from the start. she didn’t plan on it, it just happened because she liked you so much that none of her usual attempts at keeping her distance even registered to her: she forgot about them all together. you broke down her defenses without even trying and did it so gently that she had no clue, until she was already kind of in love. maybe not just kind of.

it only dawned on her how deep in she was when she started dreading the weeks where you spent more than a few days apart. it scared her, that feeling of "I need her. I need to see her. I miss her so bad." she had a full on crisis and told herself "I cant depend on someone like this. I just can’t."

she freaked herself out and imagined you leaving eventually, all of her old paranoid. avoidant thoughts came bubbling back up, so she spiraled and fucked it up.

how it ended:

about two months into it, after weeks and weeks of you sleeping over at her place, wearing her clothes, spending entire weekends together, you falling for each other and more each minute you were together, she called you over one afternoon and sat you down to talk.

you couldn’t believe it at first when she said "listen. I have really enjoyed this time with you.." because you were so startled by her sudden shift in tone. just a few days before, you had spent the whole night kissing and laughing and there she was, nervously tapping her foot as she tried to tell you it was over, or at least, on ice.

Van said some vague bullshit about "needing some distance" and "not being in a place where a relationship would work" and worst of all that you "deserved better than that". you couldn’t even cry then because it was so shocking - just the night before you had gushed to someone about how safe and held you felt with her -

she said something about seeing each other less, that she wouldn’t cut you off, but you refused let her have any access to you after saying all that - it seemed insulting to you, degrading even, after everything you’d done, you wouldn’t just be her hookup, her play-thing, without the romance you had shared up until then, so you just said "yeah no I can’t do this, I can’t" and walked out of her apartment before you might have thrown up or cried or collapsed or worse, trying to keep your dignity in tact, fleeing the scene.

Van tried to say something like "hey, stop, no I didn’t mean-" as you stormed out but it was too late, she had hurt you too deeply, had crushed your heart, so the moment you were gone, she fell into a self-hatred that was so dark and awful that she didnt open the store for three days after.

Van knew she fucked up BAD. she knew it was just her stupid old urge to push people away the second they had the ability to hurt her, but in the process she had been the cruel one, she had used her fear of vulnerability to make you deeply regret yours and it killed her. she definitely got drunk out of her mind that night to drown out the voices that told her "you didn’t deserve her anyway. she’s better off like this. you’re an awful fucking person. using a girl like that. you deserve to be alone. to die alone."

you were absolutely broken and wrecked to your core from the sudden break-up, you were shattered, so, when she sent you a text the next day saying "I am so sorry, I handled that so badly, can we talk again sometime?" you just said "no. leave me alone, Van. find someone else to fuck." and blocked her number after because you were so hurt in your pride.

you had opened up to her, in a way you hadn’t to anyone else before, you had given her your heart and soul, you had the most intimate sex of your life with her, you talked to her day and night, fell in love with her - the way she seemingly had for you - only for her to ruin it all for no reason other than vague nonsense about not being suited for a relationship, when youd never even asked her for one! part of you wanted to cave and run back to her but you promised yourself to keep your heart guarded from that point on.

the pain was too much. you were too scared of seeing her again and just breaking apart crying, having to be held by her, losing your dignity. you were so devoted to her for two months, you had been convinced that you had found your future girlfriend, that it was only a matter of time, judging by the way she looked at you and kissed you and held you, and you promised yourself to never ever let her have you again.

for a week it was absolute and utter hell. you completely isolated yourself and slept whenever you weren’t busy because you couldn’t face reality while not being distracted - you lost your appetite, ignored calls and texts, stayed inside on the weekend, neglected your chores and just tried to go more than a few hours without crying (it hardly ever worked. once you broke out in tears in the middle of the street because a song that reminded you of her came on)

after that first week, spite and anger took over. you tried to tell yourself that she was just some middle aged loser and that you could find way better than her (that didn’t help at all) - you watched films with actors she hated as a “fuck you” to her but it didn’t work either, it obviously only made you think of her more - you were irritable and pissed off and almost broke a plate once when you stood in the kitchen and remembered how she’d held you in her sleep, how she’d helped you shower when you were sick once, how she had kissed your back all the way down your spine when you laid on her bed face down, how she’d just sat there after doing all that and told you it was “too much” for her. as if she hadn’t been the one to shower you in affection first. as if you’d ever pushed her to do a thing.

about two weeks later you almost unblocked her because you were so miserable and lonely without her, but you were steadfast and just cried your eyes out each night instead, wishing she hadn’t ruined it, hadn’t pushed you away, the memory of her laugh and her scent and her hands all over you and her voice over the phone haunting you and messing with you so horribly that you cursed yourself for blindly falling for her the way you had.

eventually you managed to regulate your feelings somehow but you still avoided walking down the street where you two had always gone to get coffee. you still flinched whenever you saw a woman with long red hair. you still dreamed of her, all the time, hoping and praying that she was being eaten up by guilt. that she regretted it all. that she hadn’t gotten over you already.

how she got you back:

three months after you broke it off, you were sitting at a cafe, doing some work, blissfully unaware of what was about to happen.

Van had just gotten her cup of coffee and thought it would be really weird to sit at a table near you without acknowledging you at first, so she got over her absolute panic and tapped you on the shoulder

for a few seconds you stared at her, not smiling, not frowning, just processing, overwhelmed by the thought "fucking hell. I still love her." the moment you laid eyes on her face, her freckles, her hair, a bit messy but pretty as always, her outfit that was one of your favorites of hers, your whole body buzzed with that old need to reach out and touch.

still, you tried to mask it and just said "oh... hi." as coldly and unfeelingly as you could manage. Van was really nervous and a bit awkward as she said "hey. sorry, I really hope I am not disturbing you. uh, would you mind if I-" she gestured at the seat across from you. you crossed your arms and remained somewhat stoic as you said "sure, yeah", trying to act like her voice wasnt burning your whole body up, wasnt forcing the echo "I missed her, I missed her, I missed her" into your mind.

she sat down and drank from her coffee and cleared her throat, while you just sat there watching, waiting for her to talk because you wouldn’t make it easy for her.

Van started by saying "so, how have you been?" immediately regretting it after, realizing how weird that was to say to someone whose heart you had broken mere months before. you gave her a puzzled look and just said "well, I’ve been better. but it’s fine, nothing much changed since we last spoke." you wanted her to feel bad and she did. she really did. so she cut the small talk and got to what she had wanted to say to you for weeks.

her voice was quiet and low when she said. "okay. listen. I am really glad I ran into you here, because I wanted to apologize, properly. I know that it won’t change a thing and I know you might not wanna hear it but I need you to know that I regret it horribly. what I did. what I said. how I said it. everything. it was just... yeah I was awful to you." she admitted, looking at her hands, not at you. you could tell she meant it, you could hear the hurt in her voice, you almost teared up but you didnt say a word. you waited for the rest.

she went on "and I need you to know that it had absolutely nothing to do with you." and that made you scoff then, laugh almost, but she shook her head and insisted "no please, I mean that, it was my fucking issues, nothing you did", but you interrupted her and said, "Van you do realize that that is insanely hard to believe right? to be cut off like that out of nowhere, after everything we did together, of course that made me feel like fucking shit. like I went wrong somewhere without knowing. of course I have been wondering about what I did wrong, what else would I be doing?".

that made her feel even worse. her eyes went all soft when she saw it written all over your face and she had to stop herself from reaching out to touch your hand. she sighed and thought for a second before changing strategies.

"okay, this is gonna sound so weird but please bear with me. you have never googled me, have you?" she said next, which confused the hell out of you. you shook your head and she said "yeah I figured, because uh... well. you’d have seen something. go on and look up my name for a second, and add the word "yellowjackets"" she told you. you almost asked her to leave and stop the weird shit but you felt generous so you said "okay." and pulled out your phone, curious enough to see what on earth she was referring to.

Van realized that it would take ages for her to explain all of her trauma and all of the reasons why she is fucked up in regards to trust and feeling dependent on someone, why letting herself be open scared her, on a visceral physical level - she knew she wouldn’t be able to find the right words, she’d tried, she’d drafted letters and texts and had despaired over what to say if she ever saw you again, but sitting there she thought fuck it. might as well try this.

you typed in her full name and added "yellowjackets" after - Van watched your face intently, a bit scared, a bit embarrassed and saw it then: your utter disbelief. the search results flashed in front of your eyes: words like "plane crash", "mysterious case", "true crime", "cannibalism", "cult", "miracle", "rescue". a bunch of links to podcasts discussing the case of the plane that crashed in the 90s with a high school soccer team and sure enough her name "Van Palmer" among a bunch of others, again and again, a blurry picture of a young redhead that was obviously her next to other girls.

you couldn’t process it - you silently scrolled through a few articles and skimmed them as she whispered "yeah.... yeah. and I am not making you look at that to use it as an excuse for how I acted, absolutely not, that was my fault, fully. but maybe this sheds a light on why I am... well. you know" - "fucked up" you finished her thought, which made her laugh in relief, the fact that dark humor was still something you were willing to offer her, "yes. exactly."

you hated to admit it but it did make you see things a bit differently then - she’d told you about her mother, her home life, and that horrible nightmare-ish experience on top of her already less than ideal upbringing seemed like an explanation for how she’d acted, why she might have some issues with closeness. it wasn’t an excuse but you could acknowledge that her trauma was uniquely awful: at age seventeen, all of that.

for second you felt like crying, thinking of her at that age, being that scared and hurt. in a way it impressed you almost, that she wasn’t a completely lost cause, that she was so charming and funny and able to put up a tough front. a lot of conflicting feelings swirled around in you then.

her heart beat out of her chest as she watched you process it all but she was also a bit impressed by the fact that you didnt seem scared or disgusted. she was prepared for you to yell at her that she was a fucking freak for keeping that from you, that she was a disgusting person and should leave you alone for good, that you felt deceived, but you did none of that.

you were quiet and eventually put the phone down, looking at her, and shaking your head, sighing, "god. so you lived in the fucking woods for 19 months as a girl and actually survived all that??" unable to believe it. Van nodded and said "yeah... would have been better for you if I had perished out there, huh", which got the first hint of a smile from you. you tilted your head and said "no. it wouldnt have.", genuine, almost as if to say "you idiot. I love you so fucking much." which didn’t escape her.

Van was bold enough to touch your hand then, to hold it and to say "god I am so sorry. really. I thought of you every day, it killed me." she confessed. "so did I." you told her, which only softened her more. she leaned forward and squeezed your hands, whispering "please. you don’t have to forgive me at all but give me another chance. let me make it up to you."

you really struggled then for a second because you had told yourself again and again that she was dead to you, that she would never be allowed to have you again, but looking at her in that evening light, her hair on fire, her face kind and open - actually seeing her again, hearing her, feeling her touch, it made it impossible to deny it: you wanted her back. you wanted her back more than anything.

she seemed genuinely sorry and you knew you would regret it all your life if youd deny yourself a second chance with her, so you nodded tentatively and said "alright. let’s see what you got", which made her smile as if the sun had just come up for the first time since three months of pitch black. she couldn’t believe that youd actually agreed, so she took both your hands in both of hers and kissed your knuckles briefly, while saying "I missed you... I missed you so much."

in that moment you thought about her past, the fact that the woman youd cried over for weeks had been the subject of many articles and podcasts and crime documentaries, and you hadn’t been aware at all - it made you feel an unexpected rush. a sense of power. that someone who apparently had a past of brutality and cannibalism and feral living, had often been so soft and submissive with you, had let you boss her around and manhandle her, had wanted you to. it made your grin to yourself, and she caught it, that you liked it, having someone with a past like that throwing yourself at your feet while begging for forgiveness.

it turned you on, to think that Van was portrayed as a barbaric monster in some of the discussions about her time out there, when she had often surrendered to you, had never tried to overpower you because she liked being your baby, she liked being all weak in private, while seeming tough out in public. she had missed it terribly, she had missed it to a point of almost going insane, the way she had felt in your arms, when you stroked her hair and kissed her, when you gave her exactly what she needed, when you turned her on with just a simple touch.

"so uh" she said then "do you wanna maybe.. come home with me, like.. right now" you agreed and got up with her to leave the cafe and go to her place which was a few blocks away.

as you walked, you definitely teased her about what you had just found out, asking her things like "so. did you guys all have group lesbian stuff going on out there, or..." which she laughed at and said "oh, no, nothing that fun, we were too busy starving and fighting and having freaky religious ideas to all fuck each other. but who knows, maybe I just don’t remember" she was glad to see that you could laugh with her again, that you let her take your arm, that you were amused by her past instead of disgusted or shocked.

"I really fucking suffered you know" you said as you took off your jacket in her apartment "I couldn’t eat for like three days after, I cried so much it started pissing me off, I couldn’t go anywhere because it all reminded me of you. you did me in good" you were in the mood to rub it in a bit, and it worked, she made a sound of pain and looked at you "no, no, stop", but you went on as you sat down on the couch and said "yeah, I was a wreck, you ruined me."

Van joined you and said "if it makes you feel any better if was close to calling 911 on myself not once but twice because I was convinced you could physically die of heartache, so. there’s that." you could tell she wasnt lying, so you said "yeah it does actually", not meaning it, since you hated the idea of her in pain, even when you were cross with her.

you wouldn’t just let her kiss you. you sat close together and she was clearly very desperate to touch you, so you said "beg me for it. I remember you being quite good at that." your tone stern, your eyes never leaving hers, and that made her weak in the knees then.

she flushed and nodded as she leaned closer to you and whispered "I missed you so much, you have no idea. I dreamed of you all the time, all the fucking time, I havent been with anyone since, I couldn’t, didnt want to. I need you to touch me so bad, please. please..." she kissed your cheek, once, twice, a third time, gently, as she caressed your neck, waiting for you to cave. you closed your eyes and soaked it up, being pleaded with. she gave you more, "I will do whatever you want, I will do anything. you can do whatever you want to me."

that was the way to win you over for good, she knew it, you opened your eyes again and took her face in your hands then. you stared at her lips, then at her eyes and said "I should punish you, you know."

instead of protesting Van sighed "please. yes." which made you lean in and breathe against her lips, smiling "yeah?", her whole body hot with sheer need.

Van had always been somewhat of a masochist but with you, right then, it was even more intense because she believed she deserved whatever pain you would make her feel. she craved it. she wanted you to take it out on her. she wanted to repent. you could tell. but you would keep that for another time. in that moment, all you wanted was to have her at your mercy, and you did, so you eventually leaned in and kissed her.

the hours after were a total blur. all of your unspoken feelings bursting out at once, both of you clinging to each other and kissing like you had been separated for years - it was deeply charged and emotional and intense in a way that surpassed everything you’d done before, you almost cried at certain points when you fucked that evening, both of you, because you’d missed it so much. the one upside of all the ache and the hurt over her was that fucking again made you both orgasm in ways that almost scared you in their intensity, similar to your first time of having sex, but so different too, a shared attempt at melting back into each other after your period of almost dying of heart ache over each other.

from that point on Van worshipped the ground you walked on. she had been a sweet lover before but the thrill of you letting her back into your life, opening your heart again, made her feel such a deep sense of gratitude, that she became an even better lover to you, just to prove herself worthy of your grace. she wouldnt lose you again. no way. no way in hell.

the day after getting back together, in the morning, she used a quiet moment to look at you and ask "so. do you want to be my girlfriend." making sure that you knew she was deeply serious about you, that she was not going to back away again, that she wanted you to be hers for good.

you took a second to answer, to make her wait, but then you smiled and said "yes. of course." which made her come over to where you were sitting to tightly wrap her arms around you from behind and kiss your neck, whispering "I love you, I did all along, you know", something neither of you had said before, and she didnt expect you to say it back but you did - you stood up and face her, your hands on her waist "I love you too. so much. it nearly cost my sanity". Van kissed you then and as she felt you give into it and caress her skin under her shirt, she thought of the world "girlfriend" over and over and wondered how she ever convinced herself that that wasn’t exactly what she had wanted all along: you, being hers, all hers.

a bonus, how you had sex after you got back together, including the punishment idea:

you once tied her arms to her bed, to make her watch you as you got off. Van just squirming and whining and growing unbearably wet as she watched you touch yourself - you getting turned on from her gaze burning into your body as you jerked yourself off and gave her a good show, knowing it was killing her that she couldnt touch you or herself - you threw a "you sound pathetic" her way in the middle of it, to try and be mean, but predictably that only turned her on more... you weren’t all that sadistic, so after you finished and untied her, you let her lap up the mess youd made and let her get you off again.

before that though, you pushed your fingers down her throat to make her lick off your cum, but that wasn’t a punishment at all, she sucked your fingers off gladly, and deep down you knew that you were giving her what she needed, that she wasn’t suffering one bit, that she was delighted by your dominance

overstimulation. yeah, god help her... you did that already before but after you got back together, you really got into it: fucking her senseless, leaving her a shaking mess, making her cry from how relentlessly you were pleasuring her - telling her "this is what you wanted, right?" while giving her yet another orgasm, her just taking it and pretending it was too much when it absolutely wasn’t - few things pleased her more than having you manhandle her and get all over her, teasing her, pinning her down, adjusting her position to eat her out from the back while she cried into the pillow and lost her mind.

bruises. you had never been shy with bruising her but after getting back together, you definitely got more aggressive with it, sensing that she wanted it, having a physical reminder of your force - on her inner thighs or her chest or her neck. she loveees it, seeing bruises on her body when she gets dressed, makes her feel claimed <3

on the other hand, when you were on the receiving end, she loved being on her knees, especially during the weeks after you got back together - she loved to have you standing up or at the edge of the bed while she hurt her knees to please you, to eat you out with feverish need, to give you exactly what you needed and to be in a position of repentance. her every touch a way of saying "I love you. I wish I had never hurt you. I will be so good to you from now on. so so good. my baby" and it worked: you were all hers when she got like that, moaning her name and tugging at her hair and letting her take care of you, opening up again, literally.

sometimes you’d sit on the couch and complain about a random ache in your body and she’d immediately be like "I got it" and get you to lay back so she could give you head, whether you were dealing with period cramps or back pain or general discomfort, she would immediately be of service (I think her approach to topping/giving is rather submissive, she just wants to please, that’s it, no need to give orders, she just wants to take them and please, and she does. always.)

you definitely fucked so much during your first week back together that you both got sore from it and had to slow it down... you were starveeeed.

about a month into it, things got settled, you were used to being openly in love by then, being girlfriends - you realized that you had all the time in the world and fell into a comfortable rhythm, both in and outside of the bedroom - you knew each other so well that it came naturally. you also moved into her place eventually <3 and you took a trip together for the first time to get away and have a feeling of a fresh start <3

yeah, thats it 💌

[thedeadthree]

-ˋˏ .·:·. ⊱ 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐘 𝐃𝐀𝐘𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐕𝐄𝐈𝐋𝐆𝐔𝐀𝐑𝐃 𝐛𝐲 @pavus — day one: 𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞.

— 𝐈𝐑𝐔𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐄 𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐕𝐀𝐑 . 𝐕𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐈 𝐃𝐄 𝐑𝐈𝐕𝐀 . 𝐂𝐀𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐀 𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐍𝐄.

𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐈𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐃𝐀𝐒. 𝐄𝐍𝐉𝐎𝐘 𝐈𝐓 𝐖𝐇𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐓 𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐒.

— 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓 (mutuals can opt in/out via ��𝐡𝐢�� 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 <3):

@loriane-elmuerto, @carrionsflower, @auricfog, @girliefailure, @sunsofdawn

@risingsh0t, @griffin-wood, @lilywatt, @full---ofstarlight, @grapecaseschoices

@tommyarashikage, @shadowsofrose, @shadowglens, @weisshaupts, @queennymeria

@deadrlngers, @d-esmond, @courtana, @gothimp, @wlwaerith

@unholymilf, @aezyrraeshh, @socially-awkward-skeleton, @shellibisshe, @florbelles

@celticwoman, @neonshrike, @cloudofbutterflies92, @adelaidedrubman, @carlosoliveiraa

@pinkfey, @spookyrares, @yharnams, @aceghosts, @confidentandgood

@theelderhazelnut, @leviiackrman, @ellierenae, @anoras, @lavampira

@dialdrunk, @full---ofstarlight, @imogenkol

[paintpanic]

This week's doodle sheets! There's... a lot of different stuff going on here. 😅

[crouching-mouse]

Ok you guys, it's apple season and this is the time of year when I become an unpaid shill for Sweetango apples

I discovered these a few years ago when I was trying out different apple varieties. I like to cut up apples and snack on them; I usually have at least half an apple per day. I was tired of Galas (my go-to at the time), had tried Envy (too sweet), Honeycrisp (too inconsistent and sometimes bitter??), and a few others that just didn't do it for me.

I brought home some Sweetangos and they blew my freaking mind. They taste just like apple cider. They have a thin skin with a nice snap when you bite into it. The flesh is the perfect consistency of firm but easily chewable. They're a good balance between sweet and tart. Did I mention they taste EXACTLY like apple cider??

The catch is that they're only in season from late September to maybe mid-December, and not all stores seem to carry them. I've found them at Fred Meyer, Safeway, and Trader Joe's myself, though it may be different in your area. If you're even a casual apple-snacker, you gotta try these things. I rave about them to everyone I know IRL so it seems only fair I do the same to my followers.

[robo-dino-puppy]

horizon forbidden west | scorpion!

[oatmilk-vampire]

steddie suspense for my lovelies <3 tw: panic attack, mention of death // ~700 words

-

Steve feels the exact moment the blood drains from his face.

Of course his mind would find a way to ruin this, using an innocent conversation between the two of them against him to prove he will never be okay.

“Did you give ‘em hell, baby?” Eddie had asked with a crooked grin when Steve was talking about the unruly customers he had to deal with earlier.

He bites his cheek hard as the lights flicker and dim around him, as the four walls of his room shift into the cruel expanse of the Upside Down.

He wants to run. He doesn’t have the strength to fight anymore.

“No.” He breaths out, voice just as shaky as his limbs.

“No? That’s okay. Maybe next time.” Eddie shrugs, as if Steve wasn’t struggling to breath.

He has to get away.

“Steve, where are you going?”

Why is he so cold? My God, he’s freezing.

“I gotta go. I gotta go. I can’t be here.”

“Steve, wait!”

He’s using that voice again, the one from earlier that makes Steve squirm. He doesn’t know why, though. Not yet. All he knows is it’s too much. His chest physically aches at the intensity of emotion.

Steve starts breathing fast and shallow.

It’s too much. He’s too cold, and he can’t breathe, dry ice invades his lungs.

The room starts to close in on him. His heartbeat races so fast he’s scared he may die, thinks maybe he already has. His breaths turn ragged as he tries desperately not to suffocate. He doesn’t know how to make it stop. He can’t make it stop. All he can do is reach out for the man in front of him. All he can do is try to get away from him.

“Oh shit. Come on, Stevie. I’m sorry. I was teasing—I didn’t mean to—”

Whatever tone Eddie was using before is gone, instantly replaced by something closer to his normal voice, only maybe a little softer.

“Hey—hey it’s okay. I’ve got you. You’re safe, I’ve got you.” He wraps his arms around Steve, dragging him down, down, down until he’s sitting. Pulled so close he’s practically in Eddie's lap.

Steve feels himself melt into Eddie’s touch, throwing his arms around his waist and gripping the fabric of his shirt in his fists. He buries his face against his chest as he continued struggling to breathe. Steve is horrified to realize it’s warm and sticky, slick with something he doesn’t want to look at. Can’t stand to see.

“Shhh It’s okay. I’ve got you Steve, it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay. I’ve got you.” Eddie murmurs, cradling his head and petting his hair in soothing repetitive motions.

“Try to take some deep breaths, okay? You’re safe here. I’ve got you.”

Steve is still shaking in Eddie’s arms, and may or may not be making pitiful noises as he hyperventilates and cries, but he does try to slow his ragged breaths by matching them to the rise and fall of Eddie’s chest. Being held so tightly, and having the steady rhythms of Eddie’s heartbeat and breathing to focus on helps tremendously. It takes him a while to realize that was the whole point.

“I’ve got you, Steve. You’re doing so good. Keep taking deep breaths with me.”

Eddie’s voice is so gentle, so caring, and his exaggerated breaths are so soothing and easy to follow, Steve almost can’t remember why he’s so scared. Eddie’s here. Eddie’s here with him. Why did that feel so wrong?

It takes a few minutes, but eventually he stops shaking.

Eddie keeps comforting him, whispering soft praise against the top of Steve’s head.

“There you go. Deep breaths. You’re doing so good. Just stay with me. This will end, I promise.”

That’s when the dam breaks.

Steve lifts his head from Eddie’s chest, blinking away his tears.

“You’re not here, you’re not here. You’re not real.” Steve backs away, tries to shield himself, tries to get away.

Eddie follows after him, quick to pull him back into his arms in a tight embrace, preventing Steve from going anywhere.

“You’re okay, Stevie. You’re right here. I’m right here. It’s okay. Whatever you’re seeing isn’t real. Just me. Focus on me.”

“You?”

“Me.”

Steve shakes his head, a new sob rips through his constricting throat.

“No, Eddie. You’re dead. You died.”

Steve squeezes him tight, knows the moment he lets go reality will come back to him. The false memories and imaginary conversations his consciousness had conjured up will be revealed as exactly that: fake.

He’ll be all alone.

“You’re not real.”

[crowscallthecrows]

(Mostly nsfw) poly p4 headcanons

Pretty explicit lol you have been warned:

Their relationship is probably very much kept a secret from their fags. They like it that way though. Keeps their own little world very private.

The way they got together is either very comical or very dramatic filled with so many misunderstandings that it almost causes a permanent rift between all of them, there's no in between.

Edgar Redmond

With the most experience socially, Edgar's usually the one to give the first push when he wants them sexually. He's never been shy, and he enjoys teaching, so it works out fine.

When he wants one (or all) of then to bed, he'll let them know it. It always catches them off guard because contrary to his usually flowery language, he hits them with a "I want you right now" or even a blatant "I want to fuck" in the middle of Lawrence reminding them of tomorrow's schedule lecture.

He's a teaser, giving or receiving in the bedroom. He comments on how red Lawrence's ears get, how funny it is to see Herman's hair all mused up from its original slick back, and the smear of Gregory's lipstick on both their faces.

He's not being mean of course, it's his way of getting them (particularly Lawrence) at ease in such intimate moments: they're all new to this and a even a small laugh can comfort all parties greatly.

If it wasn't obvious enough yet he's very vocal.

A talker. Complimenting their performances before, during, and after constantly.

Doesn't care what position they decide, as long as he can see a glimpse of at least one of their faces during. He can't stand looking at a white blank wall when it could easily be a at one of his partner's instead.

Favorite position: missionary. For a fancy guy, he's pretty simple in that aspect.

Lawrence Bluewer

Stoic in to the naked eye, needy in the sheets.

His weakness are anything with his neck. Nips, kisses, licks, you name it. The fastest way to get him to relax or turned on is immediately targeting his neck, and they all know it. It gets him panting abnormally fast.

Edgar uses it to his utmost advantage. He's the most comfortable pushing his friend's buttons, and he finds it extremely convenient to have it at his disposable

Herman and Gregory use it sparingly. A kiss below his collarbone and a well placed nuzzle and they have Lawrence finally giving in and putting his books away for bed.

I'd like to think he's a hair puller, and it's a bit of a fascination too. With the shortest hair of all his partners (going out on a whim here, I'm only assuming Herman's is longer cause Lawrence's is literally shaven all round his head) his hands and fingers always seem to find their way to thread and tug at their scalps. Especially if he's receiving.

It's a bit of a hassle with so many limbs in a single place, but he likes to keep his glasses on during the deed. Seeing their actions and faces make him feel more relaxed.

He's taken quite a liking to being fingered (thanks Edgar). To him, it makes him feel loved with the time they take to prep him rather then rushing straight into the deed, especially if Lawrence himself knows that he's able to take right away. He likes the patience, the starting slowness. Makes his stomach twist.

Favorite position: he's hard to place, but as long as his hands are free to keep them roaming, he's happy.

Herman Greenhill

Being the biggest physically, it's rare he's on the receiving end. He feels more comfortable giving anyway (as his gentleman morals state)

Similar to Edgar, he likes feeling another's body weight on him, except he likes ALL of it. So, someone straddling is a very big love of his.

It's probably a strength dynamic to him: he feels good knowing he can take their weight at any time. It's probably protectiveness too.

He likes surprising them. Being a big, dumb jock from green house, most would think he's big and dumb in bed. But not Herman Greenhill, oh no.

For example, he likes showing them patience when they least expect, when they're begging and pleading for him to put it in, and he hushes them with frusterating gentleness and continues with his foreplay. For the other three, it's extremely annoying. And also attractive.

Of course, going back to his roots, he can be rough. The typical animal like pace and temper you would expect someone from green house to be. So don't think he's shyed away from those stereotypes yet.

He's basically non verbal during sex, and I don't mean quiet. He lets out all sorts of noises whether it be over them, or right near the shell of their ears. But the language part of his brain basically turns off and trying to get a coherent answer out of him is impossible, confirmed by all three of his partners. Edgar and Lawrence do all the talking themselves, but a session between him and Gregory is basically all noise and no words.

Favorite position: ride that man fellows, ride that man.

Not a position, but he's a sucker for a sloppy blow, especially if they're short on time. Makes him feel special being prioritized.

Gregory Violet

Sensual. Kisses.

All the time. Every day. They have to be careful not to kiss him too deeply when they have places to be or he'll start subtly dragging them to the closest place he sees fit for a quickie.

With how quiet he is, his partners tend to baby him. But, fight me on this, I think he'd be a pretty decent top. And would regularly too.

Quite possessive in the bedroom, actually. Gregory would mark every inch of unmarked skin if he could. I think he loves the hardest and that shows in the bedroom.

Going off of marking, he finds it extremely hot when he sees his own kiss marks in his black lipstick he loves so much. On the neck, lips, cheeks, anywhere. Once or twice, he's slipped one on the white cuff of one of their sleeves (which lawrence did not appreciate. He happened to be visiting his sisters that weekend and was basically interrogated on who the 'secret girlfriend' was. Whether Gregory knew and did it purposefully on that particular weekend he refuses to disclose).

He's actually pretty kinky. Shower sex is definitely in character for him.

Probably not opposed to just watching the others get it on too. He's an artist, after all and I'm sure he can easily get off to visuals.

Speaking of visuals, this man stares. He's constantly catching their eyes every time he makes a move to asses their reaction. Their facial expressions and reactions are everything to him: he would stop at nothing to make them feel the best possible.

He's also the least patient of the 4 and as their relationship progresses, it starts to show. Foreplay is nice, but what Gregory really looks forward to is always the main event. Of course, he would never skip the foreplay if he knew his one of his partners wanted it.

Favorite position: also hard to place, I feel like he doesn't necessarily like being completely dominated or being fully in charge.

[dailynakaharachuuya]

(Here's a list of ideas and aus I made to [somewhat] follow! You can follow it too if you wish but no pressure!)

[magpod-confessions]

the latest eps was complete dogshit. It wasn’t funny it wasn’t scary it was just annoying. I understand the “cringe” aspect of it but I think that a middle aged British man probably doesn’t understand the complexity’s of modern day slang and AAVA and instead just found words that he thought the *kids* would say and used them[which.half of them weren’t even in USE there r some rllyyy outdated terms used] anyways I’m super disappointed with it.am I insane 🗣️🗣️

Yea agreed

Ive seen ppl argue including horribly butchered aave was a commentary of how its used on social media, but if thats what happened then I think it did not have enough time to properly explore and elaborate on that topic. Also not enough ppl know abt aave to even be able to take that away from the ep

To my knowledge the voice actor for Madam E is Ki Griffin, who is a black intersex nonbinary person, so there is a chance they were aware of how 'internet slang' is just stolen aave and they specifically wanted a black actor for this ep, but again they did not have enough time or used what they had to properly explain that

So overall yea not happy with tmagp 16

[skitskatdacat63]

Fernando and Fisi pictures that I like and enjoy a normal amount (pt. 1: 2005)

[weewoow-20706030]

Bruce has an special lullaby (/song) reserved for each kid.

(2 of these songs I got from @Molliewhuppiemusic on TikTok so go check out her versions if you can)

Dick- Red River Valley (Mollie Whuppie ver.) (After Dick moved to Blüdhaben he would sometimes try singing it to himself after a bad day but it always made him feel worse<3)

Jason- You are my sunshine (Bruce used to only sing the first few lines up until 'please don't take my sunshine away' but when Jason came back from the dead he started singing the next part to him)

Tim- Sleep, My Little One (Mollie Whuppie ver) (Tim broke down sobbing the first time Bruce sung to him because he wasn't used to that kind of affection)

Damian- The Tarzan Lullaby (Damian also cried when he first heard it, specifically at the line 'for one so small, you seem so strong')

[prismatoxic]

list your 10 favorite characters from 10 different fandoms, then tag 10 people!

thanks for the tag again @northstarfan!

iiiiiiin no particular order...

Laios Touden - Dungeon Meshi

Link - The Legend of Zelda (Twilight Princess specifically, but also all of them)

Akira Kurusu/Joker - Persona 5

Yosuke Hanamura - Persona 4

Dipper Pines - Gravity Falls

Brad Boimler - Star Trek: Lower Decks

Lio Fotia - Promare

Narinder/The One Who Waits - Cult of the Lamb

Cole - Dragon Age: Inquisition

Kyle - Monster Hunter Stories 2: Wings of Ruin

and i'm tagging (but no pressure):

@captainfkingmagic @s1mpl3sp0ng3 @vixenscratch @every-captain @avoidcrow @aibyoutachi @snakewife @schmidtho @unkat @psiroller

[imminent-danger-came]

tbh you are so real for talking about the misogyny targeted to mei & other women in the lmk fandom. in general its like people only value mei as: a: the wingman to some basic mlm ship or b: macaque 2.0. its honestly crazy how so many male side characters overshadow her in the fanbase despite not even having a FRACTION of her screen time. idk chat i feel like the reason people dont care about mei but care about some random male side/background character is less because they're inherently more likeable but because some of you view women as inherently less likable. and everyone is always like "mei is so girlboss pussy cunt slay shes the only reason theyre still alive because she keeps them safe from their silly boy shennanigans shes their ultimate wingman shes so badass shes their lesbian best friend i totally paid attention to her when i watched this show LOL" and even ignoring the obvious misogyny here (ie. how people reduce her to being the male characters babysitter) its like... okay... i know mei is cool & badass already... could you name literally ANY other character trait she has. like people just value her as being "the braincell" who can get red son and mk together or something stupid and its like are we having fun still is this still fun. literally every day i go into the mei tag its like "look at mei shes red sons wifey and shes vaguely in the background of this drawing of red son and mk staring into each others eyes #trafficlighttrio am i right oh look shes macaques niece now this post is about ao lie why is it in the mei tag"

and thats literally JUST talking about mei and it doesnt even begin to cover the other female characters. chang'e constantly gets reduced to being red sons aunt/mom/big sister despite them like. not having any actual interactions in the show. lady bone demon constantly gets overshadowed by her minion who has like 2 seconds of screen time, or she gets made into a cartoonishly abusive madwoman who people call lady bitch demon. just in general people act like shes a horrible person for like. being a villain. liks yeah the trying to destroy everything was bad but also she was an antagonist and thats what antagonists do LOL. spider queen gets completely ignored. princess iron fan gets made into a cartoonishly abusive mother so that way red son can have a poor angsty backstory and some male character (usually nezha, macaque, swk) can take care of him.

(also theres just a great deal of ethnocentrism in the lmk fanbase? like im white so take what İ say here with a grain of salt but so many people will misconstrue aspects of chinese culture for their own personal hcs. people will say male characters are transfem or nonbinary while completely ignoring the time period/culture their from where thats the norm. like yippee youve implied that an east asian man is feminine/emasculine because he has long hair. how do you not see the negative connotations with this. people also turn pif (& lbd to an extent) into a dragon lady which obviously has negative racial connotations lol.)

anyway this is where my unhinged rambling ends have a good day have a good night İ had more to say here but İ reached the text limit. İ dont see a lot of people talk about the misogyny thats prevalent in the lmk fanbase so İm glad youre pointing it out lol.

Yeah, I totally hear you. The lmk fandom has plenty of issues with misogyny and, like you said, ethnocentrism. It's definitely something worth having a discussion about, along with these issues in fandom as a whole.

[wreckedhoney]

Forrest stops, going still and wearily alert, and it lasts a beat long enough that Henry begins to suspect that, yes, Forrest sees him. But then Forrest's shoulders ease back down, and a soft exhale falls out like a small and timid cheer. 

"Oh," he says to Henry. "You startled me."

x 🔪 o

BUZZ/KILL (Henry Barrow Comes Home)

Fanmix below & Fanfic on AO3

Since he can remember, everything between them has been shared - fears and rage, dreams and desires - until they became one. Henry doesn’t need to be his own person. He owes himself to his mom. It shouldn’t have unsettled him when both their attentions turned to the same person, then - but last Whistling Night snapped something in their partnership, and something about Forrest Nash makes Henry finally not want to share.

Happy birthday, KFAM! It's been a year since the worldwide release of the game ♥ Here's another boost to the Henry/Forrest post-game longfic published last Halloween and super updated since, this time with YT links to the music featured in the author's notes, and little blurbs from most chapters attached! (The last two blurbs are just one continuing conversation lol) Hope you enjoy both or either. Happy anniversary! Did you know it's also the birthday of my Uncle Roni?

x 📻 o

Track 01: Baby - Cannons It was the best show Forrest has ever done, his voice always smooth, but that night, it was something more, a sound that solidified the shape of his shoulders and the steadfastness of his hands, becoming part of his body so that Henry didn’t need to see his face to know what was there.

Track 02: So Bad - Gesaffelstein …behind Forrest Nash, Henry’s mother sits quietly, watching the back of Forrest’s head, deliberating. Henry doesn’t give her away, doesn’t warn the man beside him, but silently, he’s wishing for the dream not to do it, not after that last film - because if Marie kills Forrest in a dream, then when Henry wakes up, surely, Forrest will… Marie looks to Henry, a warning in her gaze. Henry feels himself ready to stand and ask, just this once. Just give me this one, for once. Just for now.

Track 03: Original Sin - Sofi Tukker Later, though, he’ll consider the stillness that settles over Forrest, in this moment, comes across in memory as, for the first time with Henry, easy, and his voice disarmingly fond.

Track 04: Spellwork - Austra “How do you know?” Henry asks at a crosswalk, stopping. “What do you mean?” “What does it look like,” Henry elaborates, “when I’m closed?” Forrest takes the time to stare at him, considering. “Nothing like you are here now,” he says. “Sometimes, it’s like you just have a lot on your mind, but other times, it’s like,” he mulls, and says with some reluctance, “you put on another face, like a mask.”

Track 05: Hello Lover - Empires As far as he can snoop, there’s no photo of Forrest as a child with his family, his parents, or of how he looked when he was Henry’s age. Would he have been lankier, awkward? Henry imagines looking at Forrest from the past and seeing through him, another young face laughing with a group of friends passing by. Was he still mean back then? Would he have caught Henry staring and squinted, glared? Smile?

Track 06: Get Goofy - Kornél Kovács Everything else should be affecting him more than the latter, but he eats and settles for the night and at the forefront of his thoughts is the lit doorway of Forrest’s home glowing in a dark, empty street.

Track 07: Pillow Talk (ft. What So Not) - Imanu Maybe Henry has an itch and Forrest being close, closer, is going to scratch it, and then Henry will be normal - his version of normal - back to a good son and a better liar, a good killer instead of a struggling town stalker. Maybe one date isn’t going to cut it, but a few, and some time - and Henry’s draw to the man could settle into something that doesn’t do what it did to him this morning anymore. And then, he can go back to being…being…

Track 08: Talk Fast - 5 Seconds of Summer Sometimes, he looks as alone or solitary as Henry often feels, but there’s the draw to slot the two of them together that was never present with the others, or other groups. Henry almost wants to ask, “Does that make me weird,” but refrains. He feels like he already knows the answer, anyway.

Track 09: Rabbit Hole - Cherry Glazerr “What made you come over?” Forrest asks. Before Henry answers, he recalls another day and another inquiry, a different mood and the same result, “What’d you come up for,” over a small dancefloor, under such different lights, in a world far, far away. “You,” Henry answers.

Track 10: i'm yours - Isabel LaRosa Don’t let him get far, he wishes, and another memory presses onto him, soft and insistent. Don’t let him say no, the first night he tried to kiss him. This is a bad idea, he thought then. “Is this a good idea,” Forrest asked him not long ago. No, Forrest. No, no, no take-backs, no going back. You and me forever, baby.

Track 11: Desperado - Rihanna He doesn’t look around the room, because he’s been here long and often enough that it’s committed to memory. The storage space next door is a labyrinth he can navigate with ease. The stairs up, the hallways, the staffrooms and studio, the rooftop that sometimes smelled too much of old cigarettes. The thought comes unwittingly. He might not have to leave.

Track 12: Desire - Cannons No, Henry thinks. No, no. This long into the game and this deep into it - No. “This is Forrest Nash,” the radio plays, “host of 189.16, The Scream.” But what’s the alternative, if he wants to keep him? “We’re almost through the night, folks.” What’s the alternative, if Henry wants to be the vessel for his mother that he’s always strived to be? “And it looks like we have room for one more caller. Let’s see who it is!”

Track 13: Jupiter 4 - Sharon Van Etten “It’s still home. I’ll go back eventually. But to work? I loved it, even with everything that happened. I still miss the city, but,” his lips pursed, eyes shifting away. Embarrassed, Henry wondered. “I like myself more now. Here.”  “You changed.”  “Yeah. I go back, same work and same issues, then wouldn’t I go back to who I was before, too?” Then, to him, directly, “Do you get that sense? That you changed?”

Track 14: Wolf (Boys Noize Remix) - Yeah Yeah Yeahs & Boys Noize “I don’t know,” Henry answered.  “Well,” Forrest mumbled, smile slanting, looking briefly unsure. “For what it’s worth, I do. Like you,” he clarified, soft and confiding, and, it occurred to Henry, shy. “The way you are here, now.”

[pr1ncessasuke]

finally finished making the sasunaru playlist!! it has 3 parts, and has a story (so listen in order, more details in the description on spotify <3)

honestly an emotional rollercoaster and made me cry a lot while making it :/ its how I sort of see things happening between them from vote2 to blank period, boruto, and onwards.

[jorjafrozen]

was thinking about my actor! jd au and i can’t decide if i want him to play mulligan/madison in hamilton before he moves on to hamilton himself. only because i feel like jd would absolutely love madison but then would want to challenge himself by going on to playing hamilton 😭