#feeding myself and the two other souls out there who have read their supports
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Can I just say a massive thank you to everyone who’s ever read my work. From the random user to my awesome mutuals who keep me motivated to keep writing. Not just by interacting, but by releasing work that inspires me beyond anything else. You guys are my muses !!
@hearts4werka you are a fabulous writer with an even more fabulous heart. I love talking to you and sending gifs and pictures back and forth. I may not know you in real life but you are a genuine friend. This app would not be the same for me without you, you stimulate my brain and hype my ideas so I feel comfortable with what I write.
@chrislilcumslvt you have supported me from day one and there hasn’t been a day that you haven’t liked one of my posts. you have such a fun sense of humour and I will forever stay stalking you because you bring so much to the app as I’m sure many other writers will agree.
@chestersturniolo you were one of my first mutuals and your writing is beyond amazing. the talent you have is double the talent I could ever hope to have and your works are imprinted on my brain. I love you to shreds and I hope you know how much I appreciate you.
@sturnioz you write some of the most luring pieces ont he app and it’s no wonder that so many people interact with you, including me. your account is like the forest where all the Chris girls unite to build shit together and I love you for that. At the beginning of my account I was all over your stuff and for a good reason too so you definitely have impacted how I write and made my works more appealing to the readers on here.
@strnilolover you have no idea how much I look up to you. there is no accomplishment that you don’t deserve fully. you are so gifted and have a special place in my heart. being beautiful, smart and kind at the same time is not very common these days but you are an anomaly because you are truly all that and more.
@nikolastrn you support me so fucking much and have no idea how much it means to me. even if we don’t communicate as much tho is my way of telling you that I acknowledge all that you have done and still do for my account. I love you for that and more, you’re fucking wonderful.
@pr3ttyf4wn you are my bestest yap friend on the app and I love what we’ve built between us. you bring so many unique ideas to the table and your account is so interactive. I feel like I can head over there whenever if I’m bored or need to let something out. Usually I’m not very good in people’s inboxes but it’s so easy to talk to you and I truly appreciate that.
@its4lyric you are the reason that starting out on tumblr wasn’t too difficult for me. you’re constant support and spreading of my content has made me the writer I am today with such an abundant following. my heart goes out to you for building me up to be what I am today. thank you for everything.
@55sturn you work so hard to make things happen and your creative mindset and drive are just two of many reasons why you are so widely respected. my debut on this app was raised up by users like you who hype up smaller writers and make everyone feel valued. you helped me find my place here and feel comfortable with being myself on this app.
@delilahsturniolo you have been here for my entire journey and never one have you looked down on my creations. you are such a deserving account and I can’t make an appreciation post without including you. your lively soul and soft presence are like a gift to our community and I’m so glad that I can call you my mutual.
@muwapsturniolo you have such a flaming passion that makes your work cling onto my soul. whenever I see you on my feed I can they’ll but wonder how different the fandom would be without you. anything you say or do is interesting to me and the little life documents make me feel like a friend of yours who can trust you.
@mattslolita you have made history on this app with your one-in-a-million talent. I couldn’t possible imagine my life without the inspiration that I’ve taken from so much of your stuff. not to mention, I’m sure many who enter your inbox feel like your account is a second home because you are so approachable and attentive. You are a household treasure for loads of us, so thank you.
@bernardsbendystraws you have so much skill that I strive to replicate one day. a lot of this fandom thrives off your creativity and I am an avid enjoyer of your work. you inspire me on the daily to keep pushing until my name is known across the fandom for my hard work. I hope you know that you are appreciated on here.
@fallbhind you and your cut skittle account can come and kiss me because there is nothing on there that I won’t willingly read when I have the time. you are a huge inspiration in my eyes and I really can’t wait to get to know you more and grow out mutuality. shine bright bitch.
@sturniolossss you deserve my utmost gratitude for keeping me posted at all times as well as being the least toxic, least problematic queen on here. something about your account makes me comfortable and it’s a nice getaway when I’m stressed from writing or trying to to come up with new ideas. never lose that little spark of humour you got because it does make my day better for one.
There are SO MANY MORE that I could add to this list and I know for a fact that there will be another part in due time. But thank you so much for these amazing users and now…
A special thanks to YOU the reader of you have ever read anything of mine I appreciate you so so much. If you have done me the honour of making the the step to interact in any way I’m blowing you kisses. 1K followers doesn’t seem like such a far stretch to me anymore because of how much everyone on here has done for me. And if you had any part in that, I love you so much! Thank you so very much from me.
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In life, I aim to be as confident as Petra is in her A-support with Hubert
#three houses#fe3h#fe3h fanart#black eagles#fe16#hubert von vestra#Petra McNairy#petrabert#rarepair#feeding myself and the two other souls out there who have read their supports
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I was just reading a fanfiction and the person ended up saying in their notes that English isn't their first language, but they're using an AI to translate the fic for reading, and just.... PLEASE don't do this
For one it's not like the AI does an amazing job or anything (the person was even like the AI doesn't like to properly translate parts of the fic that are "spicier") and for another it's still supporting AI AND it's using up the large amounts of water AI uses
Google Translate is still VERY much a thing and maybe it has AI aspects getting plugged into it at this point, I don't know, but what I do know is that it has been around for a long time and that even when it isn't perfect it still gets the job done, AND it doesn't ignore things that it thinks are inappropriate or whatever
If you don't want to use Google Translate for whatever reason and don't want to deal with the struggle of translating every word with a dictionary set to your language, then it's fine to just write your fanfic in your native language you know?
I do get where people are coming from with this as I'm sure a decent number of fanfic readers read in English, but realistically that shouldn't be the concern, if someone wants to read your fic that you wrote in your primary language and they don't read that language themselves they can run it through Google Translate a lot of time (especially with how many languages are on there now)
But please, don't feed the AI machine
We don't need to encourage the use of these things and especially not in spaces like this, and really you are likely to lose readers over it, I know I decided not to continue with the story because of this, because it feels like I'm then supporting these AI that are stealing the works of others and sucking the soul out of the most basic of human crafts (art and writing)
And really if you are trying to get more readers by translating you can always have a version in your primary language and a version that was run through Google Translate no matter how good or bad that turns out as in time you can come to gain a "following" so to speak who will either help with your translations or will just be willing to figure out the translations for themselves just to read your work
And to be clear, myself and plenty of others are completely fine reading "shitty" fanfics as long as they pull you in, so thinking "oh I'll use an AI to get a better quality transition so more people read it" for one isn't accurate in the first place as I very much doubt that AI which has proven to be be extremely shitty in many ways is actually doing a better job than something like Google Translate and for another is flawed in the thinking that people only read fanfiction that is perfect
No fanfiction is perfectly written and really even published books often contain at least one or two minor mistakes, it's fine. And if someone stops reading your work because of minor mistakes, then the likelihood of them sticking around just because you used an AI instead isn't actually very high at all (even just this one that inspired this post had errors in it, but I, and I'm sure many others, would have and will keep reading it, but A LOT of people in the fanfiction community want nothing to do with AI so you are likely losing more than you are gaining with this)
#fanfiction#fanfic#ao3#archive of our own#ai#anti ai#please don't use AI to translate your fics#I'd translate this post using Google translate into the primary language of the person who posted the story that caused this post#in the hopes of it reaching them but i don't know what that is since they didn't list it#and i didn't want to comment it on their fic as i don't like to post negative comments to fics#writing#translation#is Google Translate using ai now By the way?#it wasn't before as far as i know since AI only truly started becoming a thing in the last several years abd it's been around longer#than that#so it'd be dumb to add it to it now in my opinion but i don't typically accuse most businesses of being smart
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✨✨✨✨✨ANGEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! ✨✨✨✨✨
Okay hiii ~~ I’m dumping all these thoughts on you so be prepared 🤭
So like I said in my last message, I’ve been a very dark place recently where everything seems like it’s constantly hitting, but after asking for your advice, I took it to heart and really followed if, finding it really did help taking it one tiny step at a time with the simplest things. Life is still throwing every little shit it can find at me, but I’m dealing with it much much better, and I feel like I owe you some thanks to that, so again, I don’t think I can ever tell you how much I appreciate you and enjoy your presence!! I never got to respond to it, but I read your post recently and felt like this was more important to respond first.
Two, I’m so saddened to hear you’re feeling a bit lost about the writing and fandom. I haven’t been on much trying to focus on my self so I don’t know much, but when I do check in every now and then, it does seem… quiet? I hope and think it’ll liven up the closer it comes to June. But regardless of that—
I ADORE YOUR WRITING. Your writing is some of the most thought-provoking, emotional pieces I’ve read, and it truly shows and reflects just how much heart and soul you put into it. I’ll be honest, there’s some times when I can’t read certain fics of yours because I’m not mentally in the right headspace for some, but— to me— it just reflects on how great and impactful your writing is!!! Idk if u remember, and this was when I newly started following you so I was like extra super nervous and shy lol, but the person that requested the jealous Ettore was me. I think I remember sending an anon back and thanking you bc I was impressed and thankful you accepted it, but also I was so shy my hands were shaking the entire time so it was a bit blurry lol. I remember literally fangirling and gushing to my two friends (one who doesn’t even care about Ewan lmao) about how I was so impressed and blown away by it!! Your Ettore series had me hooked (AND IM STILL NOT OVER HOW IT ENDED— I WILL NEVER RECOVER. I will sue you for my emotional damages 🥺)! The Aemond one where after a toxic relationship, the reader tries to escape and he doesn’t let her literally made me want to wallow in the despair. And the Michael Gavey one where I basically wrote an essay of how much I loved it is still one I think about way too much for it to be healthy— plus it’s given me some really crazy dreams 🤭 Those are just my top three! Much to say, I adore your writing. I adore the commitment and dedication you give and feed us. And most importantly, I adore you. Although selfishly I hope you continue, I hope you know no matter what you ever decide to do, I’ll always support and follow. I am a la loyal after all 🤭😂
In all seriousness, I hope life is treating you well, and i hope you’re being kind to yourself. I’m sending all my love and support!! Please stay safe and healthy. Much much much love to you, Ange 🩶🩶🩶
-Hannah Montana anon.
Post Scriptum:: this was insanely long and completely manic-produced, I am so so sorry !! ✨
I am so glad that my advice has helped a little and things are starting to improve for you. I hope they continue to get better!
I had no idea your were my jealous Ettore anon! I had so much fun writing that, thank you for sending it! And thank you for the kind words, they truly mean a lot. You have never been anything but kind and supportive to me, and I hope you realise how appreciated it is!
I've no plans to deactivate this blog. I enjoy reading other people's fics, and looking at all the pretty gifs. I just need to do something for myself that makes me feel better about my own creative output. I've no idea what that is yet, but I will figure it out!
Thank you for taking the time to check in. I hope the rest of your week is a good one. Sending so much love to you! xoxo
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I leaped head-first into the rabbit hole that is all things Jason Todd and found myself woefully unprepared for the horror that is the more cruel portrayals of his and Bruce's relationship
Safe to say I'm glueing myself in the corner where everything is sunshine and roses and Bruce is a actual good parent, can I have that? T^T
First off - welcome to the rabbit hole! Its always nice to find friends in one of these. And second -
dang.
yeah.
just -
dang.
I too was pretty unprepared for the absolutely horrid mess that is the Batman and Jason relationship. I'm not quite sure in what world slitting your own son's throat is considered okay. I'm guessing a LOT of comic book writers have shitty relationships with their fathers and don't realize that's Not Standard Practice, nor does it make Bruce look like a 'badass'. It just makes him look bad.
I mean, I'm used to a bit of comic book whiplash. I used to get all four Spider-man comics every month back in the Way Back Times and I remember there were absolutely times you could tell the writers weren't on the same page about how things were supposed to go. In fact, before my time, the story was that MJ and Peter only got married because Stan Lee wrote it happening in the Sunday newspaper comic and surprised more than a few writers who were working on comic books for the character. So I thought I was used to things varying from point to point but - DANG! I was not prepared for the amount of 'Bruce is a supportive dad who still shares burgers with Jason' to 'Bruce beats the shit out of his son to a level he won't even use on the Joker'. Some people who are claiming to be professional writers need to figure out how to make a character bad ass and put conflict in a relationship WITHOUT just resorting to senseless physical violence every single time.
Now fandom - fandom's always been about exploring the side angles and reconstructing things. And I do think a lot of people are either 1. working through their own family trauma in a cathartic safe way through fiction 2. are absolutely disgusted with the way Jason and Bruce's relationship has been treated in canon and just went 'fuck it' and figured if that was what canon was going to give them then fine, that's how canon would get treated and 3. hates either Bruce or Jason and needs to punch downward on the one in order to make the other look better (that last one is a sign of poor writing and a personal pet peeve of mine that's way too common in fanfiction). From what I've seen at least in the corners I lurk in, its usually the first two though and I can respect both of those. I can even enjoy reading both of those if they deal with what that kind of relationship means and does to the characters (usually Jason).
But God bless the writers who look at canon, reach down and pick up Bruce and Jason and carefully wash the yuck off them like they're little fairy penguins caught in an oil spill. Who get them scrubbed clean of canon yuck and then put them in little cute knit sleeveless sweaters somewhere safe where they can recover and feed them tasty things so they thrive together. Bless the Wayne Family Adventures comic creators for it, bless every single one of the fanfic writers for it, bless the fan artists for it and bless the meta writers too. Bless every single person that looks at the mess canon is and goes 'not on my watch'. And bless them for sharing so the rest of us can read something that's healing for our souls and gives us some respite from the world outside our doors. Sometimes all we want to read is the dream of a good father and its wonderful that fandom gives us so many great fics and art of that. Canon may not give it to us but
yeah.
We can have that.
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hey! first of all i’m obsessed with all of your writing i swear i cry every single time😭🤍 i look forward to reading your stuff when i get home from work, and it helps me when i’m stressed. so basically hi i love you. i recently celebrated 1 year sober and i was wondering if you could write something abou harry dedicating a song to his gf for maintaining her sobriety? (only if you’re comfortable ofc!)
hi, i love you too! sorry for making you cry😭 your words are so kind and you’ve made my day so much brighter! congratulations on your one year sobriety!!! i hope you’re very proud of yourself, because i’m really proud of you - always <33 i’m not sure what you are sober for and i don’t to be invasive and ask, so i decided to base this one off an alcohol addiction. this one’s for you, my lovely; (oh and p.s. let’s pretend harry wrote ‘home’ just for you and one direction never wrote it!)
Today you celebrated being one year sober.
Four years ago you developed an alcohol addiction. It was the worst time of your life; going to parties just to wake up still paralytic, drinking an alcoholic drink with every meal and a couple in between, falling asleep drunk every night and not learning your lesson from the hangover the next morning. You were self destructing and were too gone to see it happen. The people around you could see it happening though. Your family and friends abandoned you because you they believed you were a lost cause. You were alone for 3 lonely years, until last year you met Harry.
The one time that you were actually sober, shopping in your local Aldi, was the first time you met him.
He was dressed from a run and was in the fridge section to grab himself a protein shake before he was about to run home - that you’d come to learn. He made minimal conversation with you, but it was enough for him to fall for you - hard. Every time you met up with him you tried to be as sober as you could, but it caught up to you. You slipped and shut yourself out from him, not wanting him to leave you like everyone else had so you left him first.
As it would be, he never left you. He saved you.
He was there for you in your darkest moments. He was there to help lock your demons away and introduce life back into your heart and soul. You wanted to be better for him, he deserved that much. Half a year after meeting him, he managed to encourage you to attend counselling sessions which you would be worse without. He made calls to friends to help you re-connect with people, truly friendly people. He hugged you on the days you felt anxious or tempted and let you cry on his shoulder when you felt like a failure, all the whilst he would kiss your forehead and squeeze you to remind you just how much you were loved and just how proud he was of you. It took you a while to believe it, but;
Harry Styles loves and is proud of you.
You were so happy to spending the day with him, getting to watch him do what he loves so much. He was in Denver, Colorado, tonight and his set was going perfect so far. He’d given his infamous “ass or face” speech, which made the fans go wild. He, unfortunately, had to use the oxygen mask to replenish his lungs because he wasn’t feeling great. He’d even shouted to you when you were blowing him kisses saying, “I wanna kiss you but I can’t” which made you tear up ever so slightly. Today was such a proud and happy day for you, so extra moments like this for you were the cherries on the top of the cake.
“Okay, so we have 15 more minutes of love tonight for you.” Harry spoke into his microphone, after singing Treat People With Kindness and looking so very sweaty. “15 minutes of extra love compared to the previous show.” The fans screamed at this and you knew the fans in Vegas would no doubt be extra jealous.
“He’s allowed to do that?” You asked Jeff beside you, wondering why he was changing the timings all of a sudden. He hadn’t told you about this.
“He specifically requested it before going onstage.” Jeff answered, winking at you and nodding his head back to the stage for you to focus.
“Now. Today is not only special because I get to play in front of you lovely people,” the crowd let out a deafening scream, “but because it is an important day for my Y/N.” He smiled, looking over in your direction. The crowd screamed even louder for you.
“What is he doing?” You asked Jeff but he only smiled and shrugged his shoulders. Liar, you thought.
You’d never publicly told anyone about your addiction because it was something that you were embarrassed about. You hated who you were and you tried your hardest not to think about that person anymore. Harry was the only person who knew and you liked to keep it that way, for the time being. Not even your new friends knew.
“I’m so proud of Y/N, always, but especially today.” Harry spoke, walking down the stage to the end of the runway where his mic was set up and still keeping eye contact with you. Your tears were full in your eyes and some even streaming down your face as you took in his words.
He’d spent all morning loving on you. He didn’t let you two leave the hotel room until 5 minutes before the buses were leaving, because he wanted to spend as much time as possible showing you just how much he loved you. Turns out 4 rounds of sex, 2 blowjobs and 3 times getting eaten out doesn’t even come close to showing that, according to him, but it did make you feel worthy and that’s all you’ve wanted to feel for the past few years. He made you feel worth it - it being loved and supported and safe. He was your blanket of comfort and you’d let him swallow you up every day for the rest of your life if it meant feeling this way forever.
Harry had even bought you a card and a cake, one that had a singular candle in to mark your one year anniversary of being sober. The sense of pride getting to blow out that candle was a feeling second to none, except from maybe the 7 orgasms you were given.
“So if you don’t mind, i’m going to sing this song for my girlfriend. It’s new, but i’m sure you’ll pick up the chorus. This is called ‘Home’ and it’s just for you, m’love.” God damn these tears, you could barely see Harry pick up his galaxy painted guitar and tilt his body so he was facing you.
The song had you in tears.
Fans were both recording you and Harry, but you were too unaware to notice them when all you could focus on were the words he was singing to you. Every line was so clear and it made your heart burst through your chest that little bit more each time. You cupped your hands under your vin as you cried over every new line of song, watching him strum on the guitar and sing his heart out as if every ounce of him was just for you. His words, his voice, his heart and soul were completely yours. The fans did quickly pick up the chorus and the atmosphere was completely still, yet electric with them feeding off Harrys energy and gifting it to you.
“You’ll never feel like you’re alone, i’ll make this feel like home.”
His last line was sung and his last chord was struck and you couldn’t move an inch. You were stuck watching him with intense loved eyes, feeling an overwhelming sense of support and comfort just from this moment alone. You thought what he’d given you this morning in the hotel was love, but now you questioned that. This felt like a reminder you were free and safe and found. You felt significant. And for a moment, that all felt a like bit stronger than love.
You didn’t even realise your boyfriend was standing in front of you until he was. He caressed your cheek in one hand, holding the neck of his guitar with his other. The fans were being caged behind a barricade, but they weren’t even violently pushing because they wanted to see how he treated you and acted around you behind closed doors. Your relationship was very private, so this was very new for you too. You liked him close though. So much so that everyone else sort of slipped away.
“That bad?” He asked teasingly, referring to the amount of tears you were crying.
“Was a bit rusty in some places.” You teased back, you and him both knowing you didn’t mean a word that you’d just said. You both laughed until you caught Harrys hand on your cheek and moved it so you could plant a soft kiss to his palm. “Thank you for making me feel home.” You smiled, new tears forming in both yours and his now.
“Thank you for being my home.” He replied, smiling through the light tears.
“Stop crying,” you laughed through your own tears, reaching out your other hand to wipe his away, “not very rockstar of you.”
“Can’t help myself when i’m so proud of you.” He answered, moving his hand off his guitar so he could help wipe your tears away. Both of you were helping each other recover, forgetting about the world just for a minute to have a moment with each other. You both deserved that much.
#harry styles#harry styles x reader#harry styles fanfic#harry styles x y/n#finelinevogue#harry styles fanfiction#finelinevogue harry styles#harry blurb#harry oneshot#harry styles concept#hslot series finelinevogue#hslot concept night#hslot denver#hslot2#hslot#love on tour harry styles#love on tour fanfic#love on tour blurbs#love on tour series#love on tour#finelinevogue blurbs#finelinevogue harry styles masterlist#harry styles sober#harry styles x addicted!reader#harry styles tw#harry styles fluff
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Lil life update & such
Hiya guys.
First and foremost, even though I’m super late, I just wanted to say a huge and tremendous thank you to everyone who reached out to me on birthday, despite the circumstances, it turned out to be a wonderful day and a lot of that was because of you guys, so thank you so much❤️ You guys have created such a safe space for me to vent and share my thoughts and feelings on everything from fandom to writing to my personal life and I love you all so much for it.
These past two months have been a very trying time in my personal life and it caused me to have to take an unintentional step back from writing and plotting and updating, just so I could be present for myself, the people around me and for the sake of my mental health. As most of you know, I had plans to write a few Halloween fics for the Top Gun fandom and I had also just started my first chaptered Hangster fic and many others in the works and they all had to be placed on the back burner, just for my sanity. I always feel like such a broken record when I make these posts, but I’ve learned over the years that I have to take care of myself, even if that means putting things on hold sometimes.
While things aren’t what I would say “better”, I am trying to dip my toes back into writing again and see where it takes me. Writing is an outlet for me, but it can also be a great source of stress for me, especially when I put the pressure on myself to preform and post and update and then I spiral when I don’t live up to these expectations and it just becomes this vicious cycle that’s very difficult to pull myself out of it.
BUT, all your support--the reblogs, the kudos and the comments, hell, even just seeing the read count go up on my fics--keep me going. You guys have no idea how much it means to me, how much your endless love and support, feeds my soul and is my light at the end of the tunnel.
This year has been filled with so much growth and learning and change and love and loss and self-discovery and I am so proud of how far I’ve come and so excited to see how much farther I can go. And whether you guys know it or not, you guys have been on that journey with me. From the ups and downs, you guys have given me so much support--from when I decided to up and quit my job in order to find something new, to all the mental health updates, the encouragement to finish my fics, all of it, you guys are always there to lift me back up when I need it and I adore you guys so much.
Like I said, this space, this blog, is my safe space and I’m so thankful for each and every one of you, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to express how much.
That being said, fingers crossed for an update soon. I just started combing through my WIPs today to see if anything sparks my creative fire and seeing where it takes me. So be on the look out.
I hope everyone had a safe and fun halloween, I hope everyone enjoys the foray into the holiday season. I, for one, am so excited because it’s the first one that I haven’t worked in retail in almost eight years and I’m so excited to see what that looks like for me. And for those of you that are in the retail space--take care of yourself. Be gentle. Have a safe space to turn to to decompress. Try your best not to let others shitty attitudes get you down. Do as much self care as you can. And try to have fun where you can.
Sending you guys so much love, so many hugs and so many positive vibes. Let’s get through these last few months of the year together💛
And if you made it this far into the post: thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Endlessly. For reading. For listening. For supporting. Everything and anything. You guys rock💛
Love always,
-Bri❤️
#mental health#mental health update#mental health check#ao3 author#ao3 writer#top gun#top gun maverick#hangster#Jake Seresin x Bradley Bradshaw#bradley bradshaw#jake seresin#pete maverick mitchell#iceman x maverick#maverick x iceman#ao3
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Analysis of Kite's conflicting moralities, relationship with death, and the toll reincarnation may take on one's psyche
So, today I decided to compile all the thoughts I have had about Kite's interesting worldview since the first time I saw him into one post, mostly for my own sake, really. If you're familiar with the few posts I've made, you know it's gonna be a mess, but hopefully a comprehensible mess.
A heads up, this is going to be spoiler-heavy, and very much deal with subjects of death and dying as a whole. Also, some of these conclusions are drawn from my own experiences and close brushes with death, I'm not going to go into much detail but it might get personal and definitely dark. I'm not even sure if I can call this a meta-analysis, and I'm obviously no expert, so mayhaps take all of this with a grain of salt.
Been getting into drawing lately, and during the more simple and mindless part of the painstaking process of dotting every single star in this, I let my thoughts wander through the latest part of the fic I'm writing, and I got a better grasp on what exactly made Kite such an elusive character to me.
I'm not quite sure why I got so attached to Kite. Perhaps it was the air of tragedy surrounding him, how despite his sordid past he remained still open and gentle even if outlined by a healthy dose of cynicism.
But sometimes, I think it's the fact that he is so paradoxical. He's brave, yet fears death to such a degree that creates a whole Nen ability around it, is a pacifist yet will not hesitate to spill blood for his own sake or someone else's. Despite the many ultimatums and warnings of 'I will not protect you', he gave his arm and then his life to save Gon and Killua. He approaches each hunt and battle with a clear plan of action in mind, but his Hatsu takes the form of a roulette that gives him random weapons which are never what he wants, but what he seems to need for that exact situation, which he cannot dispel without using. When he draws a weapon, the decision is locked in and his or his opponent's fate is sealed. That's why each time he dubbs his weapon a bad roll. Every time he has to gamble, he sees himself as having run out of luck. When it comes to having to choose between himself and somebody else...well, there had never been a choice. In fact his aversion to using it may feed into its sheer power that we, unfortunately, saw too little of.
Let's go over his very first appearance when he saves Gon from the mother Foxbear.
It's not hard to see the strain searching for Ging has put on him; he's rash, prone to anger and punching a child for daring to get into trouble. In his mind, he's failing at his most important task, has not yet earned the right to call himself a hunter despite being in possession of his very own hunter license.
After killing the mother Foxbear and raging about having done so, he says this interesting line:
So yes, he finds killing for any reason rather irksome as most would do, yet I think something deeper caused him to absolutely lose it in this scene:
He had not been aware of Gon's identity, and despite being an animal lover and a naturalist, he made a choice to save the human instead of allowing nature to run its course. In fact, he says: 'No beast that harms a human must be allowed to live.'
How does one weight one life against another? How is the worth of it determined? The value of life... an impossible choice he's faced with and a choice which he seems to regret to some degree.
The Foxbear cub.
Here, he's speaking from experience, a tangible loss he has felt himself, and a hard and bitter life he does not want to impose on the cub.
His backstory is exclusive to the 2011 anime adaptation but there are hints alluding to it in the manga, for example, the fact that he does not seem to know his birthplace, or:
The choice of words is chilling.
Reading between the lines, one could draw the conclusion that he is an orphan. Something supporting this hypothesis is how he visibly deflates after Gon tells him his parents have (presumably) died.
So we see he is willing to go against his own moral code of not killing as to not doom another living being to the life he led, a lonely, hopeless existence that could barely be called one. He saw it best to put down the cub rather than leave it to die a painful, slow death.
The reason Kite himself isn't as cynical and cold-hearted as one would be after witnessing cruelty in its rawest form is those small crumbs of human kindness which he may have found in Ging.
It was not only a chance at an honorable life being Ging's apprentice gave him, but it also 'saved' him from being broken and twisted into what he hated and worst of all, death.
If we take that one minute of backstory as canon to his character-which I find myself inclined to do- these quirks of his make much more sense. He lived on the run. He lived on the knife's edge between giving up or pushing forwards. He lived as so a wrong move could be the difference between survival and the end.
Between rock and a hard place creates a mentality of black and white, absolute good or extreme evil, this or that. Except in reality, it's much harder than that. Deciding who to save and who to strike down is a heavy burden to bear.
It's almost easy to see how struggling to keep surviving could lend itself to a crippling fear of death and subsequently developing a Nen ability which once more goes against his own moral code in order to give himself a second chance...yet something about it strikes me as unlikely when I look at it this way.
Living life knowing it could end at any moment has the opposite effect, at least for me it did. One comes to accept that it is fleeting and while not eager to let it go, when death eventually and inevitably does come, there is no fighting it.
Especially when there is no hope that tomorrow will be a better day than this one.
Frequent near-death experiences numb one's fear in a way, even if it drives them to take precautions that render it unlikely to happen again and results in c-PTSD, but still, it does. It sparks a certain nihilistic view of 'if it all can end so easily, then what's the point of it all?'
Unless there are things to live for, a sure promise of a better future, and Ging gave Kite that. When he faced the threat of losing his second chance at life:
Really, what else could lead someone to develop the ability of 'the hell I'm going to die like this'?
I think a separate event, an even more brutal near-death experience that almost cost him his life as the hunter he so strived to be set him off to develop the secret roll of Crazy Slots, what I call Roll No.0, Ars moriendi. Unlike other weapons, it cannot come up in random and is directly summoned by him, or better said, summon by his overwhelming will to keep going and hopelessness of fighting a losing battle. I don't believe roll No.3 was the weapon that allowed him to reincarnate. I've named that one Wand of Fortune, a sort of armor instead of an offensive weapon since I find it hard to believe Kite, a Conjurer, would not focus on defences as well, and I will go into both mechanisms of these weapons hopefully in his backstory.
Despite knowing this battle to be a pointless one and being acutely aware of his soon to be demise, he did not immediately draw Ars moriendi, no, he stayed back and fought for the sake of the boys, kept Neferpitou occupied until they could reach safety. We can see evidence of this in the aftermath of the battle that seemed to have gone on until dawn, a torn apart landscape only signaling a fraction of the devastation that was Kite's power unleashed. It still wasn't enough.
In the anime sub I watched, when Gon apologizes to Ging about Kite's death, Ging said a sentence that infuriated me, because it belittled the utter suffering of the NGL trio.
"He would not die in your place." (No screenshot, sorry)
And I remember practically shouting at the screen, screaming 'how could you possibly say that? Of course he did. He absolutely did die in their place. How could you not know your own apprentice? Why-'
It was only last night that it hit me why Ging would say that.
Once upon a time, maybe Kite would not have given his life for anybody under any circumstances, even if he had a way out of it all. He would still need to die to come back to life.
His Thanatophobia could be attributed to the (possibly untreated) PTSD of the near-death experience in his later life, being so certain of dying that finding himself alive afterwards drove him to never want to go through that again. He quieted his fear by creating a sort of a loophole, that even if he lost the battle he would remain. Ging remembered that, but as evidence shows, something changed. Maybe he healed a bit, perhaps growing up dulled his fear to a certain degree, but eventually when it came down to his life or another's, he didn't choose himself.
Now, I can hear you saying 'but he didn't die, so what are you going on about??' And so I reply: Yes, he is alive, but he did die. He experienced that painful, horrible moment of staring death in the eyes and thinking 'This is it, this is the end', went through the actual process of having his soul removed from his body. And that moment stretches into infinity, ten lifetimes condensed into the mere seconds before oblivion.
Dying isn't so hard if one stays dead.
It's not so easy to open one's eyes and find oneself alive again after that, no matter how much that is the heart's desire. It's difficult, nigh-impossible to reconcile with life and walk amongst the living when everything had been so final, when death had been accepted to its fullest.
So Kite awakens, the twin of Meruem and back from the dead, his mind and identity both intact and fractured. In that he is Kite is no mistaking, yet he is not the same gentle pacifist whose first reaction upon sensing a monster's aura was to shield two kids from it at the cost of his arm.
I don't think many of you are familiar with Zoroastrian ideology, but Togashi is known for loving his religious imagery, and it's not only Christianism he derives inspiration from (evidence of which can be seen all over Kite's character and resurrection).
In Zurvanism-a branch of Zoroastrianism- there is talk of the twin spirits: Ahura Mazda -epitome of all that is good- and Ahriman -epitome of all that is evil-, the parent god Zurvin decides that the firstborn may rule in order to bring "heaven, hell, and everything in between."
Upon becoming aware of this fact, Ahriman forcibly tears through the womb to emerge first. Sounding familiar yet?
Zurvan relents to this turn of events only on one condition: Ahriman is given kingship for 9000 years, and then Ahura Mazda may rule for eternity.
Meruem ruled for 40 days, his death leaving the throne vacant for ant Kite, wearing a dead girl's face and seeming to be brewing some nefarious plan. No more is there any sign of that unrelenting pacifism and the sanctity of life he held so high, losing his own may have only served to show him how meaningless the pain and suffering he went through had been, dying only to be reborn as a member of the species that killed him. It may be that he has no desire to rule over the remaining Chimera ants or create an army of his own-
Yet I dread to think what a broken mind possessing limitless power might do to the world.
And that's it. If you made it this far, thank you for reading! If you found it interesting, stay tuned, as I think a lot and I will make it your problem.
#Cw: talks of death and PTSD#When I say I unknowingly projected onto him#I can't tell if writing this was cathartic or torturous#and I gave myself heart palpitations so this is enough for today#And yes I refer to ant Kite by he/him pronouns because misgendering him on the account of his body being afab is just ignorant#even if I think skrunkly's genderqueer af and actually wouldn't mind she/her#still i wanna push the trans ant kite agenda#So yes this is how I unknowingly picked up Kite as a coping mechanism even if out attitudes towards death are practically opposites#don't mind your grandpa trauma dumping#What I'm saying is get ant Kite therapy before he sinks the world#I love reimagining Kite as a villain and I don't know why#Kite hxh#hxh kite#kite hunter x hunter#kaito hxh#hxh#hunter x hunter#meta analysis#theories#fic rambles#Icarus waffles#Kitkat#gon freccs#Ging freecss
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Kentaro Miura
It took me awhile to get my thoughts in order. Honestly, as well intentioned as they are, a constant stream of fan tributes on Twitter and Tumblr more-or-less telling me how to process “The End” of Berserk with Miura’s death didn’t do a lot to console me, so I had to take some huge steps away from social media and only conversed my feelings with my other close Berserk fan-friends.
It was very surreal waking up yesterday morning to a friend messaging me simply saying, “did you hear the news?” When shit like that happens, I go onto my Google stories app and scroll through. I didn’t find anything really worth getting too upset over (maybe a bit sad that Queen Elizabeth II’s doggo died?) so it hit me to check my Twitter feed instead.
And that’s when I saw it.
We all know death is inevitable, and life is pretty much spent prolonging the point to that inevitability as well as preparing ourselves for when it happens to us or someone close to us. Being part of the Berserk fandom was the only time we all collectively had this on our mind not only for someone else but for someone we never met or really knew that much about. We only knew Miura through his magnum opus – and that was good enough for us. And no matter how much we discussed the worst-case scenario – pondering how the story would continue and how WE would continue – it still wasn’t enough to prepare us for this amount of shock. Hearing Miura had died and that the Berserk we know and love under his direct supervision is over truly felt like losing a long-lost friend.
It wasn’t just that the Berserk we know of is “over”, but that Miura didn’t have to die. He was only 54: not a young age, but not an old age either, especially by today’s standards. He could have seen the end to his magnum opus the way he envisioned it, yet he died of something so avoidable but is only brought about by a great deal of stress (from what I’ve read). It was always a morbid open rumor that so many of Miura’s infamous hiatuses were actually mental and/or physical health breaks, so the older or more conscious of us fans, while always eager and anxious for a new chapter, learned to not take them so personally. Miura was a spellbinding artist and storyteller, but he was also a human with his own life and conflicts that he was entitled to address at his own pace. This isn’t meant to blame anyone (at the very least, maybe to address some societal/industry issues), but it’s troubling enough to remind everyone – as the story of Berserk has demonstrated – that you need to take care of yourself physically and mentally, and while everyone struggles in life, you don’t have to struggle alone.
I always despised this weird cult of youth that insinuates that life isn’t worth pursuing once you hit your mid-thirties, and how some people so engulfed in their youth insist that they wouldn’t mind dying by the age of 50 or 60. It’s a shame when people live by that because there’s so much to live for beyond your youth – as I’ve learned, I only started buckling down when I transitioned into my thirties. Miura could have had a longer life ahead of him, going beyond Berserk and into his other endeavors, professional and personal, but that will unfortunately never happen now.
Everyone knows I have a lot of thoughts and opinions on Berserk. Most of you found out about me through my blogging several years ago, and I’m pretty proud that I was never the sort of fan that groveled at Miura’s feet and treated Berserk as some untouchable holy book: there were things I disliked about Berserk and things that disappointed me about Miura’s writing, but there were SO MANY MORE THINGS that I loved about Berserk and was proud of Miura for, and I wished him to continue his advancement in narrative growth. He did so and we watched it happened.
And, by meeting so many friends and acquaintances through the fandom, we saw a lot in ourselves change too. It’s surreal how we always joked that it would be one of us fans who would die before Berserk ended or the worst-case scenario of Miura dying; maybe some of us secretly preferred for that happen. But when we weren’t waiting around for another chapter… look at how much we’ve done with our lives! We graduated high school, undergrad, grad school, started and advanced our careers, traveled the world, got together, popped out a kid or two!... And while we experienced a lot of downfalls and tragedies that coincide, can you believe how much we have accomplished together?
We were all personally inspired, motivated, persuaded by Berserk in different ways: a lot of us were inspired for the better and admittedly, some for the not-as-good (if spending countless hours on Tumblr has taught me, there were definitely some toxic fan takeaways that had to be confronted). I’m not going to go to the point of saying that I now live my life by Berserk’s philosophy to a T or live as a reflection of certain characters (because I’m pretty sure that Miura was trying to tell us to NOT live your life like some particular characters) but it certainly helped to brings some aspects of life and existence into perspective, through the lenses of so many characters. Berserk also inspired me to write more, an already favorite pastime of mine, and how I should go about writing and planning a story, taking cues from Berserk on how to and how NOT to write and approach things in my own way, which I think is for the best in the long run. I can only dream that I’ll be published someday – which doesn’t have to be a pipe dream because it’s still much more possible than impossible. And so many other have done the same, creating our own stories and works.
And OF COURSE Berserk inspired me to be a little bit badass from time to time in moments of frivolity and seriousness – but it reminds us all that being badass and being a kinder person who tries to become the best version of themselves are not mutually exclusive. We definitely need more of that in today’s world.
We all made our own little bonfires of dreams happen, and because of Berserk existing, there will be a lot more beginnings than endings, and I don’t see a lot of bonfires being extinguished anytime soon. Miura poured his heart and soul into Berserk and its characters, and while he has passed on, his characters and lessons will live on through us and everything we create and how we live our lives (hopefully for the better).
I was happy to share all of my thoughts with you all – and I’ll continue to do so, since the mythos of Berserk has been a major backdrop of my creative mind for over fifteen years now and there is still so much to dissect and speculate. Personally, I don’t see Berserk ending just yet, if only because I’d be surprised that Miura or his publisher didn’t have some Operation London Bridge type plan in place in the event that this happened (Berserk is, after all, a major title that most likely brings Young Animal a lot of revenue). Again, I never treated Miura or Berserk as divine untouchables, so if there are plans in place to continue Berserk without Miura (BUT with his permission) or just on how to wrap up the story to give it a fulfilling conclusion, I personally would be okay with it (as a friend of mine put it, it’d be more of a tribute than an imitation). Going beyond our lifetimes, works will continue to be interpreted and reinterpreted as they have since time immemorial; perhaps Berserk will reach that point someday.
Honestly, and many have thought so too, Berserk was also meant to be cosmic level in both scale and concept. The plot is so grand and Byzantine that, even under Miura’s direct supervision, I always had a hard time envisioning how a story of this scale would conclude. As much as we love to hate him, a final showdown between Guts and Griffith seems too simple, too “good vs. evil”-esque for Berserk. Maybe having a low-key, vague but optimistic and bittersweet wrap up is what is best for Guts, Casca, and their new-found family. But that’s just another one of my fan speculations.
Regardless or what is to become of Berserk now, I think it’s safe to give adulations. We all came across Berserk at different times in our lives and stuck with the story for different reasons. For some of us, it was just another series that our friend from the campus anime club recommended to us; for others, we were drawn in from a morbid curiosity of its dark notoriety in anime circles. A few of us read for the gratuitous violence and the clout (because we all know you’re so deep and hardcore [/sar]), but a lot more of us read for the journey and the characters that we became a part of. The heaviness of Berserk made us confront a lot of trauma and even relive our own. For some of us, understandably, it was not a good idea to dive deeper (and maybe somethings could have been handled better); for the rest of us, it helped us cope, if not entirely through the story itself, than through the support network we made for ourselves in this fandom and its many realms (some realms, I argue, are more caring and nurturing than others).
From time to time, I always wonder if I would ever “grow out” of Berserk. There were indeed several times I took a step away from fandom and have tried to reduce my exposure to the story - but I always came back in some way, because the essence of Berserk has never left me and never will. Humorously I envisioned myself actually forgetting about Berserk for several decades, decades in which I work at my career, raise my family, mourn my elders, but continue living my life, only to go on the future internet in my mid-50s to find out… Miura is STILL working on that ending, sitting at his desk in the same pose as that famous monochrome capture of him, only he’s grayed and wrinkled, like the great Miyazaki.
The possibility of that future is over, but there are so many others.
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MATCHUP FOR
@bandofbrothersandsisters
I'm 5'5, tattooed, chubby, female (she/her) and bisexual, I'd say my most defining trait is my maternal spirit (I need to know that everyone is okay all the time, I'll feed you, cuddle you whatever), my main flaws are I never stand up for myself (I'm such a pushover) and I am super self-critical, I love reading and writing (but like a lot of my hobbies if I'm not immediately the best at it, I don't like doing it) Some bonus stuff: INFP, Hufflepuff, Leo sun, Leo moon, Sag rising, I prefer cats over dogs, I bounce my leg and play with my earrings when I'm anxious
From Stranger Things I Ship You With:
Older!Max Mayfield
Dynamic:
Reckless Badass x Protective Softie™
Quote:
«I could never give you peace, but I'm a fire, and I'll keep your brittle heart warm.»
I'm aging her up okay, everybody calm tf down.
First of all, Max is the Joe Toye of Stranger Things so I IMMEDIATELY thought of her when I saw your description.
Leo x Sag supremacy.
Her Gryffindor heart gives you bravery. Your Hufflepuff soul brings out her softness.
You're the assigned INFP baby of this badass ESTP queen. Nothing will happen to you while she's around.
She's basically a guardian dog, she'll fuck up anyone who upsets you.
Aggressively supports you.
She scolds you when you get pushed around by people, but it's just because these bitches' audacity frustrates her to no end and she wants you to learn.
She'll teach you too don't worry.
Max also scolds you for being too self critical. She scolds you a lot I'm sorry, it's just her way of showing she cares (definitely not projecting here).
Actions speak louder than words for this baby, so while she's definitely not gonna tell you how she feels about you, you'll catch that through the way she behaves around you.
She's the first one in your friend group to notice you toy with your earrings when you're nervous. She starts to subtly reach for your hand everytime you do it and holds it in hers.
Her thigh gently bumping yours when your bouncing your leg to a) let you know you're doing it again and b) tell you she's there with you.
Will jokingly roast you but she's the only one who can do it. Mike I'm looking at you, don't even open your big mouth if you don't want Max's boot in it.
She's actually quite sappy and romantic, but also very sheepish about it so you're not allowed to bring it up ever.
She makes you mixtapes she makes you mixtapes she makes you mixtapes she makes you-
Also, even though she complains a lot whiny queen, she secretly loves being mothered around by you.
She obviously doesn't have the best family ever and she's not used to being taken care of, and you being it for her makes you even more perfect.
Cat gf x dog gf.
You two read to each other duhhh. She'll listen to you fangirl about books any day, but you gotta listen to her comic rants too.
Max definitely got tons of tattoos when she got older, so you two go get tattooed together as a date activity more times than you should.
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Written by: @alliswell21
Title: One of Us
Prompt 145: She moves in with her aunt and uncle when her parents dies in a small town. After suffering through trama, Katniss slowly starts to get better with the help of her family (aunt, uncle, cousin) and the Mellark brothers. But when things starts happening to her and the people around her, it’s revealed that she and almost everyone in the towns are apart of the werewolf pack and that one of the Mellark brothers is her mate. #werewolves [submitted by @animekpopxx]
Rated: G for general audiences.
Tags: Canon Divergent!AU; Modern with a dash of Supernatural; Grief/Mourning; Feeding as a Language of Love.
Note: This is my final submission to this year's EFE challenge! Yay! I really am grateful to @xerxia31 and @javistg for their continued support of this fandom and for hosting once again this event. You are such amazing people, and I’m absolutely honored to be part of a community with people as amazing as you two are! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for keeping EFE alive!
@animekpopxx, thank you too! You feed my muse! And you give me Werewolves!!!!
This story was a bit of rushed job, though, and there’s more of it, I mean... we haven’t seen them turn into wolves yet!!! 🤣 I just didn’t have time to edit the complete fic before the deadline, but if you’d like to read the finished product, keep an eye out for it on AO3. I’m fairly sure the rating will keep, but we will see.
Kpkpkpk
There’s nothing but the sound of crickets and frogs filling the vast darkness of the night.
It’s another moonless night out here in Panem… or is I like to call it ‘the middle of nowhere’. It’s weird, how dark nights feel here, there’s barely a start peeking tonight, but in a strange way, I like it.
Sitting on my aunt and uncle’s porch to watch the infinite dark ahead while listening to the nocturnal critters it’s about my favorite thing to do… it’s what did used to do when we came here for long summer stays, anyway. He used to say he felt at peace and relaxed, connected with nature. Too bad it took him to be gone, for me to appreciate what he meant by that. So every night I come out here and sit in the steps hugging my knees, staring at nothing but the deep, black night surrounding the cabin, whisking my dad was sitting next to me.
Tonight is different than usual, though. It was raining until recently, and the smell of wet earth is so familiar my chest feels tight and my throat is knotted.
“Petrichor, Katniss,” I mumble the words noiselessly, “is the smell of rain, hun. It smells the same everywhere in the world.”
I lean my chin on my knees, wishing I could go back to feeling numb like when my parents just died. But thinking of the word petrichor, while smelling the thing, is bring forth a plethora feelings and memories I don’t know how to handle.
Dad used to love Scrabble, crossword puzzles and trivia challenges. He tried to get me interested in those games, teaching me words and their meanings, every time he had a chance.
I wish I had been more enthusiastic about learning the darned stuff; it would’ve meant an extra moment spent with Dad, and less regret to feel right now.
An involuntary whine leaves my chest. It hurts to think about it, and not for the first time, I dig my nails into my skin to keep myself rooted in place, and not tear running into the void.
I feel like I’m spiraling out of control, I fear this time something will break in my head and I’ll do something crazy, like scratch my skin away and run wild into the woods, like a beast… but the overwhelming thoughts gets halted when I hear soft noises from out in the distance.
It’s like the crunching of footsteps on the gravel at the mouth of my aunt and uncle’s property. It’s too dark and isolated here, deep into the country. I’ve seen big wildlife roaming around: deer, raccoons, coyotes and even a lynx. But the longer I hear the noises, the more certain I am I’m being stalked by something big and fast.
My heart beats erratically in my chest; every hair in my body stands on point, fear is clawing its way up my chest and into my throat, my eyes feel about to pop from my skull, and then I’m disentangling my knees from my arms, standing up as tall as I can— which isn’t saying much—and then I call into the night, “Who’s there?!”
I hear a faint disturbance of air, and then…
“Good evening, Katniss!”
Slowly, from the shadows, a blonde head pops, eerie for a second. Broad shoulders follow, and then a torso. Before the rest of his body comes visible into the light of the porch, two more blonde heads come into view, flank the first person on either side: Shoulders, torsos, Jean covered legs… The three Mellark brothers make their way leisurely towards me.
I nearly faint from relief after the rush of adrenaline pumping in my veins. Going through so many emotions: grief, sorrow, dread and relief, so fast in such a short amount of time has left me winded and unsteady.
I lose my balance, but one of the boys— Peeta, the youngest— breaks ranks, and rushes to hold me upright.
“Are you okay?” He asks softly, helping me sit back down on the porch steps. I lean my head against the main post.
“I’m okay. Just a little lightheaded,” I try not to glare. They gave me a fright, but I doubt they did it on purpose.
It’s something I’ve learn over the years. People in Panem are kind of quirky.
“Sorry we scared you,” Peeta offers, sheepishly. “We wanted to check up on you, and bring you something…” he looks up at his two older brothers and Rye — the middle one— steps forward, holding up a brown, paper bag, with little greasy spots on the sides.
I can guess what’s inside. They’ve been bringing me cheese buns almost daily, since Peeta found out they’re my favorites.
Rey hands the baggie to Peeta, and the latter offers it to me with a soft smile.
“Thanks,” I mumble, gratefully. I can smell the cheesy, yeasty treat through the bag; I can feel the warmth of the buns too! “While I love freshly baked cheese buns, you guys didn’t have to make this trek just to bring me a treat… on a dark, moonless night no less,” I fix them with a glare. “How did you even get here anyway? You couldn’t have walked and I never saw a car coming?”
My aunt and uncle’s cabin is at least 4 miles from town, and surrounded by woods; but then again, most houses in this weird little place are built in similar locations. It seems the townsfolk take their privacy extremely seriously.
“We rode our dirt bikes,” chimes Rye in, cheerily. “Not much light on those bulbs, though, but it’s okay. Our night vision is prime!” He gives me the A-Okay gesture.
“Rye,” the eldest, Bannock, warns lowly. Baring his teeth.
Rye shrugs and slips his hands on his Jean pockets.
I swear Rye hisses something like “it’s true” under his breath, but Peeta has been rubbing my back with the tip of his fingers all this time, and I’m getting drowsy, so I may have imagined the whole exchange.
“You should eat those while they’re still warm,” Peeta murmurs close by my shoulder.
I nod, and open the bag, releasing all the delicious smells of the buns, while Peeta massages my shoulders, encouragingly.
I must be really out if it tonight, because outside of my family, I’ve never been comfortable with people touching me… but, my family is all gone now, and I can’t go through the rest of my life without human touch, can I?
Grief stricken me out of nowhere, and barrels through me. I gasp at the acute pain in my soul at the loss of my parents. But in an instant, I’m enveloped in strong, thick arms, warm and steady. I’m sobbing into a hot, solid chest, covered in the softest cotton I’ve ever felt.
“Shush… I’ve got you, Katniss. I’m here for you,” Peeta whispers soothingly into the crown of my head.
He smells so good; like cinnamon and dill, from the bread he must’ve made this afternoon at his family’s bakery.
It takes a few minutes for me to get a hold of myself, and embarrassedly push out of his embrace, “I’m sorry,” I mumble, mortified.
Bannock presents me with a handkerchief, and I take it gratefully to wipe off my face and nose, before returning the soiled square of fabric to him.
I’m not sure why the Mellark brothers are being so nice to me. I’ve never been around them more than a handful of days over the past few years, when we came to see Dad’s remaining family outside mom and I, his half brother, his wife and their child.
I don’t know the Mellarks all that well, but in the handful of weeks since my parents’ funeral, the three brothers have been incredibly attentive and generous to me. Peeta more than the other two, but I don’t mind… I like him best anyway.
“It’s okay to cry and be devastated, Katniss.” Says Bannock, sagely. “You’re going through the worst time of your life, and we care for you… like family.”
“Oh,” I sit straighter, blowing my nose. I feel a little strange hearing him say that, “thank you? I appreciate your kindness,”
He nods, “Peeta’s right, though. You should eat the cheese buns before they go cold.”
“A full stomach always helps me feel better,” Rye adds, patting his belly, and smiling at me.
My stomach growls, as if to show agreement. I am hungry. I didn’t touch my supper earlier. I pick up the bakery gingerly, and pretty much shove my nose into it. The steam curls out of the baggie, filling my nostrils with the delicious smells. I pluck out a bun and practically inhale it in a second; quickly followed by another one. My third cheese bun, I decide to savor, slowly.
The Mellark siblings just hang around while I devour my treats.
The front door opens just as I’m wiping my hands on my leggings. My aunt’s head peeks out of the door.
“Oh, why hello everyone!” She greets, as bubbly as always. She’s wearing a dark purple wig, to match her dark purple outfit.
“Good evening, Effie,” says Peeta, standing from his squatting position next to me. “We brought Katniss a gift,” he points at the now empty bag in his hand.
“How sweet of you, Peeta!” my aunt gushes, “thank you for checking on our girl, and making sure she’s put something in her tummy before bedtime!”
I roll my eyes. Aunt Effie keeps treating me like a kid. I hate it. I’m 17 and mourning, not a freaking baby!
“It’s no problem at all, Effie! We were just on our way home anyway.”
“Well, it’s always nice having you boys over,” she offers, “but it’s getting late, and Primrose is already in bed, which is why I came out here to begin with, to let Katniss know that her sister was already asleep, so she’d know to tip toe back inside when she was ready to go to bed herself,” my aunt smiles.
I feel a slight pang of guilt; I’ve been wallowing in my own sadness this evening, and missed tucking my sister in to sleep. She’s the only person I’m sure I love, yet tonight I’ve let my own misery drown me.
“Don’t mind us, Effie,” Says Bannock, “We were about to leave…” he pauses and then calls a meaningful, “Peeta?”
“I’m going to wish Katniss a good night, and then we’ll go,” he says.
Not for the first time, I wonder if Peeta has a crush on me? I wouldn’t know he did, even if I wasn’t feeling so rotten inside. I’m not very good at flirting… but with Peeta it is different I think. He’s so nice to me, he’s taken up asking if I’ve eaten that day and if I haven’t, he feeds me something from his family’s bakery without charging me… it’s like he actually cares for me and my well-being, and his brothers care, because he does. It’s mesmerizing at times.
Peeta looks me in the eyes, “Are you ready to go inside?” He asks, offering his two open palms to me. He helps me up from the floor, and then smiles sweetly. He doesn’t let go of my hands while we stand facing each other.
Then something strange happens. Peeta doesn’t blink, as his clear-blue eyes bore into mine, and then his pupils blow out full, until only a ring of deep, glowing azure remains for his irises, “Sleep well, Katniss,” his voice sounds deeper and warmer than usual, “Rest and have a relaxing, dreamless night. Remember what I said: we are all here for you, to help through this hard time… alright?”
I feel groggy, “Yes, Peeta,” I mumble feeling my eyelids getting heavier.
“Oh dear, can you please instruct her to walk herself to bed? She might look lithe, but I promise, her little body is as heavy as any of us,”
Huh? What’s aunt Effie going on about? I don’t understand.
Peeta chuckles, squeezing my hands warmly in his, “You heard Effie… don’t fall asleep until you’ve gone into your bedroom and change into comfy pajamas.”
I nod, “Okay,”
“Good night, Katniss, I’ll be back tomorrow. Try to eat something on your own, I know you’re sad, but you need your strength for when the solstice comes.”
What a weird thing to say! Everything is strange here though… so I nod and march inside the house, mumbling my good nights to everyone and rubbing my very sleepy eyes. Once I’m in my sleep clothes, I lay in bed, and try to ignore the yearning of having Peeta rubbing my back like he was doing while I ate my cheese buns.
I sigh and go to sleep, a weird thought pops into my mind: “I’m so lucky to have such a sweet, caring mate. Peeta Mellark. Can’t wait to be bonded with him,”
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Posting this again since Tumblr decided to eat it. Curse of Strahd-related advice request below the cut - if you’re currently playing through the campaign, please don’t read.
For my game, I decided to follow this post on how to personalize Dark Powers that seek to make a pact with your PCs in the hopes of displacing Strahd and Vampyr as rulers of Barovia. The dealings come with 3 stages of power at which the PCs receive boons and flaws.
Unfortunately, I find myself utterly stuck. I have something for the cleric, and, thanks to a friendly DM, also something for the fighter. But I can’t for the life of me come up with something good for the other two party members.
Here’s where I hope swarm intelligence can come in - if you have any suggestion, no matter how small, please reach out to be, I’m suffering lol.
Theldan - The Departed
Reborn bloodhunter (Profane Soul - Undead)
Dex build, skirmisher-type combat moves
originally from Eberron - he's the nephew of Queen Dannel ir'Wyrnan, aka the Darklord of Cyre 1313, who caused the Mourning trying to shift Cyre into the Mists (not that Theldan knows that last bit). He was sent by Dannel to recover a book filled with artifice prototypes and arcane rituals that servants of Strahd stole from the train.
Theldan's personal quest will feature finding out about what his aunt did, and that only a Dark Power could finish her ritual and fully shift Cyre over (and potentially instate a system of reincarnation like Barovia has)
Theldan desperately longs for freedom, so I came up with a Dark Power I'm currently calling the Departed, for lack of a better name. The Departed pretends to be a previous adventurer who perished in Barovia and, as a ghost in the Mists, learned to harness some of their magic. It feigns to be scared of the Dark Powers, and wants to bestow power on Theldan so they both may escape
the Departed would grant powers related to freedom, so I'd like something to grant extra mobility and skirmishing abilities. I had considered permanent Freedom of Movement or some Misty Step-style teleportation, but that feels a bit boring. Also, I don't really know what kind of kills someone like that would feed on
if you have a different idea what this Dark Power could be instead of the Departed, I’m more than willing to hear it, I’m not married to the concept
Wren - The Storyteller
aasimar, Radiant Consumption celestial revelation
Creation bard focused on support and debuff
unbeknownst to them, Wren is a half-Vistani, born in Barovia, but raised in Faerûn. They sometimes have prophetic nightmares that warn them of danger.
Wren is a happy-go-lucky trickster with sticky hands and unshakeable optimism. They strongly believe in the inherent goodness of people, and that everyone deserves a second chance if they want it
for Wren, I came up with the Storyteller. They're a Loki-style trickster who pretends to be everyone's best friend who just wants to introduce some light and shenanigans into dreary Barovia. Their name comes from wanting to create events that make for good stories. Of course, their true goal is more sinister, and they feed on the souls of those killed in creative ways.
I unfortunately have absolutely no clue what powers a being like that would grant
Please help lol
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Hi Lumi, thanks for not turning off anons yet, I've wanted to message you for months but I am crippling shy and couldn't bring myself to do it off-anon, haha. I just wanted to ask, do you read any of the Star Wars comics? If so, can you recommend any? I am new to the fandom after The Mandalorian and I really want more Darth Vader content, if you have any recs I'd be very grateful! I love your blog and literally every piece of content you post! Thanks Lumi!
Hi! I’m glad that I left anon on just for this then! I do indeed read a lot of the Star Wars comics, though, I go in fits and starts with them, like a lot of people do. 😂 My recommendations are: - Star Wars 2015 (by Jason Aaron) + Darth Vader 2015 (by Kieron Gillen) - I put these two together because the first 6 or so issues are meant to be read concurrently, they’re events crossing over into each other and showing different aspects from different points of view, and I think it really helps to enrich both stories if you’re alternating between the two for at least six issues. Beyond that, they’re both just really, really solidly good comics! They’re set just post-ANH, where Luke is discovering more about being a Jedi, where we see Vader discovering the identity of the pilot who took out the Death Star, where Leia is dealing with the political stuff of the galaxy, etc. They’re probably still some of the best comics that SW has put out, imo! - Darth Vader: Dark Lord of the Sith 2017 (by Charles Soule) - This is the second Darth Vader comic series (so pay attention to who the author is--the current ongoing one is by Greg Pak, which is solidly good, but hasn’t yet hit the same heights as either of these, for me) and it’s set in the aftermath of Revenge of the Sith and this is easily my favorite SW comic. Soule really digs into the connection between Anakin and Vader, how they are very much the same person, how the first volume of Darth Vader comics is about who Vader is during the OT, the Soule one is about flaying him open to understand just how he cannot face what he’s doing or the other choices he could have made. It’s over the top drama (it’s SO DRAMATIC and I LOVE IT) in a way that really highlights just how awful Anakin has become, that he is crushing even more of himself and you can see him losing still yet more and more, eventually leading to something like the OT version we know from later. - Obi-Wan & Anakin by Charles Soule - This is only five issues, as well as I generally recommend reading it two or three times, because Soule is actually pretty solid about not always spoon-feeding you everything and how the narrative arcs and parallels are more subtle than you’d expect from Star Wars. The art in this one is stunning, the worldbuilding has a ton of cool details, you get to see bb!Anakin considering leaving the Jedi Order and why he decides to stay, as well as some really fascinating connections to how the Jedi see the galaxy and how Anakin sees it. - Age of Republic by Jody Houser - There are eight issues of this maxi series, each one focusing on a different character, and they’re all really interesting and have some amazing character moments. My favorites are the Obi-Wan and Anakin ones, there’s a lot you really get to see about their relationship and how supportive it actually is, but all of them have really great looks at the characters they’re focusing on. - Jedi of the Republic: Mace Windu by Matt Owens - Okay, fair warning, the art for this series is not going to be for everyone, there are some seriously wonky panels in it, but the story itself is a great look at Mace’s character. Both for the bits of backstory about him and for about how the Jedi look at the galaxy, that Mace Windu is such a rich, wonderful character and deserved a look at him like this. Bonus, Kit Fisto is hilarious in this comic! - Star Wars Adventures by multiple authors - Basically anything in the Adventures line is worth reading! Most of them are fairly light stuff, not super deep, they’re meant to be cute stories, but I’ve enjoyed all of the ones I’ve read and the prequels ones usually have some moment that’s completely batshit in a way that’s totally true to Star Wars. They’re kid-focused comics, but really, really adorable ones. - Clone Wars Battle Tales by Michael Moreci - Speaking of dramatic fun, this mini series is just an absolute scream, they’re totally ridiculous in the way that I would read a hundred issues of them. Plus, you get some really great Jedi moments or Anakin hilarity moments and I’m always down for that, too. - Kanan: The Last Padawan by Greg Weisman - Speaking of gorgeous art! Never will you see a woman as beautiful as Depa Billaba in this comic, my goodness. But you also get the story of bb!Caleb going through Order 66 and the trauma of running in the galaxy as a former Padawan who had their Master gunned down in front of them and, boy, did this comic know how to make it hurt. There’s some cool worldbuilding in there, some amazing looks at the Jedi pre-Order 66, and just a whole lot of feelings. - Shattered Empire by Greg Rucka - This is a four-issue mini-series with a) gorgeous art and b) a whole lot of connective tissue/aftermath for the galaxy post-Return of the Jedi. Rucka’s writing is solid here and you get a good variety of different characters and the paths they’re starting down and what they’re planning to do next, and it’s just a very solid read. - Poe Dameron by Charles Soule - I really didn’t expect to love this comic as much as I did, but Soule really knocked it out of the park and created a funny, moving, interesting journey for the character. Even if Poe’s not your usual fave, the work this comic put into being interesting and connecting various things and telling a fun, actiony story really was good. - Age of Rebellion and Age of Resistance are both solid mini-series that I would definitely recommend! My heart beats for the prequels, so I’m more focused on those, but if you’re interested, these are great looks at individual characters, too. HONORABLE MENTIONS: - The Princess Leia comic by Mark Waid is one I haven’t reread in awhile but I remember greatly enjoying it. I’ve enjoyed Soule’s current 2020 Star Wars ongoing comic, though, because of the pandemic, it hasn’t had a chance to get a ton of issues out yet. I enjoyed the Darth Maul mini series by Cullen Bunn and, if you wind up liking Aphra from the first Vader comic, she gets her own spin off comic that’s really solid, too!
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Can u do a dad Tom holland x mom black reader where they have a 2 year old son ( Elijah ) and a 1 month old daughter (Ellie ) and his fans are being mean because your baby girl is darker than her big brother and Tom tells them to stop on a livestream but they don’t and he takes a break because he more frustrated than reader is . And the next day y/n go to Toms parents house and y’all talk about it and y/n sobs ending in fluff
YOU WONT BELIEVE THE SWEAT I HAVE DRIPPED FOR THIS ASK, I DID DO A LITTLE OVERBOARD, NICE ASK, NICE COCK 👍🏽 OH AND I MADE A MISTAKE ABOUT THE NEXT DAY THING, I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE MOMENT
warnings: I DONT KNOWWW, NO SMUT BUT SËX REFRENCES- FLUFF? AND CHILDRENN NOT PROOF READ BITCHES
T.H| TITTIESSSS
Tom smiled as he posted the picture, cuddling into his small daughter as you took care of your son. You both weren’t really doing anything just binge watching Soul Eater because you refused to watch love island.
“I don’t get this show, it’s terrible” “your terrible” you chuckled at him, noticing that Ellie was slowly starting to tear up. “I think someone’s hungry yeah? Come here Ellie” you cooed, Tom picking up the small child and placing her into your arms while he took Elijah, whos currently side tracked from TV, you pulled down your, Toms, oversized shirt to feed Ellie. Smiling as she sucked the soul out of you.
“You know-“ “we can’t have sex” “but Ellie gets to get your nipples and I don’t?” “Do you want her to starve?” “No I want to have sex” he clarified, rolling your eyes you placed some of her hair behind her ear.
Toms phone started to ding and he furrowed his eyebrows, he opened his phone and read the comments “it’s the girl being darker then the boy for me” “why is Ellie darker then Elijah?” “she’s a cheater- I told you Tom” and some trying to defend “y/n is literally darker then Tom, what did you expect? I’m so sorry this is happening” “did y’all really have to put the baby in this? We all know y/n doesn’t play about her kids”
“What’s wrong Tom?” You say, now playing with Eli’s hair. Tom only frowned at you “I’m tired of people thinking that they know most, at this point it’s really annoying” “what’s wrong Thomas?” You asked, more sternly as you pulled lee away, but she starts to cry some so you put her back.
“Nothing love, you hungry though?” He asked, trying not to make you feel anyway at the moment. “No I want you to tell me what’s wrong and right now Thomas, forreal” you made eye contact with him, raising an eyebrow. “I’m not telling you y/n” he simply says, getting up forgetting his phone and walking into the kitchen.
“I have to find out myself then!” You yell, taking his phone and scrolling through your guessing comments?. You aren’t the one to scroll through his phone at any cost because you trust him entirely, but he’s pissed and you need to find out why.
Patting lees diaper you sequenced you’re eyes to read the comments, zendaya saying “they are both so cute! Where have y’all been be seen I need to come over, like right now”, Jacob B commenting “look at lil man!” And others but as you continued to scroll down you found the negative ones.
Just reading them so fast as your blood line ran cold, you didn’t notice that Tom was coming back. “Y/n stop” he says, putting the glass of water down and reaching over Eli to take the phone but you snatched it back. “Is this what they think of me? Of my kids?” You say weakly, showing him the phone as your eyes started to water.
“Don’t listen to them, we brought Eli and Lee for ourself, not for them. Let’s just take a-“ his heart dropped as tears silently trailed down your cheeks, still reading the comments. “You are only making it worse, give me the phone Y/n” “no” “give me, the phone” he said madly, not at you but at others. He reached all the way over, watching out for the kids and taking the phone without a fight.
You detached lee and fixed yourself, lifting your knee and placing her on the pad of your thigh wiping your tears and you took her small hands.
Tom only through his phone on the nightstand and turned off the TV “what are you doing?” You ask him, “let’s take a nap yeah? I’ll when we wake up I’ll do a live or something to communicate with them” he took off his shirt and sat on the bed, sighing as you only seen the back of his head, he ran his hands through his hair, not letting them, his so called ‘fans’ get to him.
Tom laid down and threw the blankets over him, turning off the light and making it as dark as possible although it was only about 1 in the evening. “I don’t think I can go to sleep” you say as he turns in your direction, “then try darling, I really don’t want us to be stressed out love” he gave a smile, playing the the loose curls in Eli’s hair while looking at you.
“Yeah okay” you nod, Tom taking lee again while you took Eli. Eli smiled as he gave you a slimy kiss “ew!” You smiled, you let out a sniffle and Eli frowned at it, kissing your nose. You giggled and wiped it off, noticing an arm around your waist trying to pull you closer you came closer, Toms hand going down to yours and putting his fingers in between yours as you did the same and gave a squeeze. “I love you, y/n” he mumbles, his thumb brushing your knuckle. “I love you too”
“Ready?” He asked, you sitting next to him and the babies are sleep, you nod, “ready”. He started the live, about two minutes in everyone started to join. He took your hand and smiled down at you, returning it you kiss his cheek. Sooner or later he had about 6-9k and he cleared his throat,” I’m pretty sure you’ve all seen the comments and I’d like to ask all of you to stop” he simply asked, the comment bar flooded of hurtful words, they weren’t gonna stop anytime soon. “Lee is a child she doesn’t deserve to be treated this way, you not only hurting her your hurting my wife, MY wife” he pointed to his chest “you also hurting me, y/n doesn’t do SHIT-“ he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, rubbing his back.
“She doesn’t do shit but tries to show you how happy we are, for all of you saying that she’s cheating she isn’t, she’s been with me, do you see her skin?” He asked, looking at you and kissing your cheek “she has color, I don’t of course Ellie is going to be darker then her brother, they aren’t fucking twins!” He yells. He gets tired of it and pins one of the comments “maybe you should stick to your color and this wouldn’t of had to happen, you shouldn’t even be here”. “That’s the shit nobody should say, don’t talk to my wife like that you fuckin-“ “that’s it Thomas you asked, calm down” you whispered, his face red as his jaw is clenched, he bites his lip as he apologizes “I’m sorry, but please I just- I’ve worked so hard and found love, I found a wife. It makes me mad that you can’t accept that-that I can’t be happy without one paparazzi and news about me, I want a break and I want a family, and now that I have one none of you support me- or most” he refused to cry infront of them but is was heart clattering. “I-bye” he simply says, grabbing his phone and ending the live.
“You did your best-“ you get cut off by his phone ringing. His mom was calling, he instantly answered “yeah mom- yeah” he sighed “alright we’ll be over”. “They want us to come over” he stood up and took your hand, pulling you up with him he gave you a peck on the lips. “I love you Thomas” you wrap your arms around him. “I love you to, and I’m not going anywhere”
You and Thomas walked to the door with one car seat each in your hands, he knocked on the door and was instantly met with Sam “hey! Give them here-“ “wait give me lee!” Harry said, running up and taking the car seat from your hand making you laugh, Sam took the other and they both walked off to the kitchen with distant talks like “please be my taste tester” “I wanna take photos with you!”
Tom put the keys in your back pocket, walking in he called for his mom and she told them both to come to the livingroom. As you both walked dom sat up and gave you a hug while Nikki gave Thomas a hug. “I’m so sorry about those twats, your children are so beautiful” he rubbed your back slowly.
“Thank you” you whispered, hugging him back tightly. He let you go and rubbed your arms as he gave you a sweet smile, soon treading and Nikki gave you a hug “I love you and your children, we both support you so much and want you to know we are here for you, come sit” she stops hugging you and takes your hand, pulling you to the couch.
Tea was on the white coffee table and you and Tom sat on the mint grey couch, the couch you don’t touch if you live there. “It’s just-“ you sighed, Tom rubbing your back as you fought the tears. “I love your son so much and to think that I would ever hurt him-or you guys in anyway is just so hurtful, and having the pressure of everyone going against me and our child- comparing them as if they can stick up for themselves” you cried, you didn’t fight it. They are your family now, and forever will be. Tom didn’t like seeing you cry at all, it almost makes him cry, seeing you weep and vulnerable isn’t well for him because when he met you you were a strong, independent woman, and you still are but it hurts him too much.
“Yeah” dom nods, passing you a tissue and Tom takes it, pulling your face to him and patting under your eyes. “But they don’t matter, we are your family and we know from our hearts and our mind that you didn’t do anything wrong” Nikki weakly smiles, seeing you cry really is heart breaking, you just gave birth a month ago and depression is so severe. “We love you y/n, your child is our grandchildren no doubt” dom smiles, reaching over and holding your hand gently. “I love you, you are so important to me, our children are so important to me, just all of us in general are so important to me, so important that I’d quit anything for you, for my children, it’s us, a household, a family” Thomas pulls you close.
Eli saying “yum! YAY! More!” In the background with Sam making you laugh, he ends up running to you with a spoon filled with pasta. “Taste! Yummy!” He smiles at you, his baby face and small teeth “hurry mommy!” You smile and open your mouth Eli feeding it to you and you hum in satisfaction. “It is yummy, who made it?” You asked, “I did! I helped sam” Sam walked up to the livingroom, leaning on the wall. “I’m coming!” Harry yells, airplaning lee into the livingroom “pshhhhh” Harry does sound effects, lee laughing making you all smile. Eli jumps in your lap and looks at your face “why are you crying mommy?” You let out a chuckle “because I love all of you” “love you to mommy” he hugs you, Harry handing lee to you and hugging her back, Tom joining as Sam walks closer and sits next to you, resting his head on your shoulder and soon everyone is group hugging. “Umm- your squeezing me!” Eli whispers, everyone laughing as you all just take in the whole thing, happy that this is your new family, other then your other precious family also.
#tom holland x black!reader#tom holland x reader#tom holland#dad!tom#tom holland blurb#tom holland fic#tom holland imagine
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00′s Love (Sungchan x you)
a/n : I DID IT!! @starsfly01091711 this one’s for you! A second part to 90′S LOVE
SECOND PART OF 90′S LOVE (Thank you for the much love this story received)
warning : some mentions of forced dietary (not allowed to eat), slight angst, HAPPY ENDING!! I kinda liked the ending, so please if you’re okay with the theme go on read this and tell me what do you think about the ending!
here we goo
Moving on was hard, even when you have been hurt by the past and the present is waiting for you to reach for their hand and walk forward to the future with them.
Mark Lee was your first crush, and everything about a first crush makes it harder for you to realize he was not the one and that you should stop gawking over him and his boyfriend. They look cute, as much as you hate to admit it, Haechan brings a big smile to Mark. A smile you could never see when he is with you.
“(Y/n)!” your instructor yells one more time at you. You shake your head from the daydream and stutter “Yes?”
“Dozing off again? Are you sure you can follow today, you seem a little bit under the weather.” Your instructor skates to you and plants his palm over your temple.
You laugh dryly, “No, I’m okay. I am not sick,” you drop your tone, but deep inside your heart you want to add up “I am not okay, imagine learning your crush has a boyfriend, you have to prepare for the state championship, and you’re just not feeling well inside your heart.”
“Okay, we can take a break if you really need it, but buying more time is what we need. The championship is in three months and its been your dream to participate in one.” He tries to cheer you up.
You nod, “I got this, shall we repeat from the top?”
He nods and turns the music on. You begin dancing on ice, over the soft song of A Silent Voice (Koe no Katachi) and with the sad violin music you close your eyes as you feel the sad song and let your body do its magic on ice.
Your routine ends, all the jumps are perfect and all the spins are gracious. You have to thank yourself for pushing your younger self to the limit in order to reach this point. But something is hollow in your heart, something is missing.
You end the routine and open your eyes, only to let a teardrop fall.
“That was good, your techniques are wonderful but where is the emotion?” your instructor asks as he skates next to you. You wipe the tear and look to your feet.
“I am sorry,” you mutter
“You do know just a great technique won’t help you right?” Taeyong Lee, your best choreographer and instructor sighs.
“Clear your head, you really look … I don’t know… you’re not like you. I will say you take a break today and tomorrow come back only if your heart is okay.” He dismisses you like that and you have your head down while entering the locker room.
“Hey (y/n)~ why the long face?” Sungchan taps your shoulder and goes shocked when he sees your hollow eyes.
“Oh Sungchan-ie,” you force a smile to your face.
“I miss Ten hyung,” Sungchan calmly says while taking out his practice gears from the locker.
You froze in track, oh so someone did miss Ten too. Ten hyung left you to pursue a dream he was chasing. He was offered a scholarship to train and be one of the professional hockey athlete in NEO University. Your parents of course sent him away, with all the proud and happy faces sending their first son to a prestigious school while you, you’re staying here with them alone living through cold nights.
“Can you stop hogging the dinner table, you won’t be going to the championship with that eating behaviour.” Your mother looks at you with disgust as she takes away your plate.
You wanted to complain, how could one let her own child starve, but here you are. Forced to count your calories intake for your upcoming championship. Well, you had to thank her she just wanted the best for you, but what she was doing was a bit over the line.
“Oh my, I was a figure skater myself, and let me tell you we skip dinner.” Your mother said as she cuts you an apple.
Your father always come home late, he has to work extra hours to pay for Ten’s extra living costs, while also supporting your school and athletic life. Mom was a figure skater back then, a great one, until she reached the age of stopping skating. She opened courses for beginner skaters, but she doesn’t want to teach you herself. Mainly because she said a younger trainer will know more than her. Weird? No its also because you don’t want to be tortured by her.
“Now, finish up the fruit and go study or do some more stretches.” She stood away from the table and preoccupied herself into other things.
You missed your old family, where four of you would sit around the table, eating joyfully over luscious or even simple dish. But now, you rarely have anyone to sit with even worse forced to eat just fruits.
“Yeah I also miss Ten.” You finally speak about the truth today to Sungchan.
“When is he coming back?” Sungchan asks you and he has already put on his hockey costume, you didn’t notice that! Taeyong was right why are you so out of your head today.
“He is trying to come home on my competition day.” You fiddle with your hand, suddenly feeling how cold your hands are. You shrug it off as the skating rink’s fault
“Cool, by the way the boys and I are going to grab some tteokbokki after practice, want to join?” he nicely invites you.
You want to go so bad, but imagine the calories and no even worse what will mother say if she saw you eat? But Sungchan has been trying his best to always look after you, especially after he said Ten personally pleaded for Sungchan to look after you.
“I’ll see, if mom is not able to pick me up yet, I can wait and probably join.” You try to make the tall guy smile, he is the sweetest person you have right now. Might as well hold on to him and not let him go, right? Luck was in his side, your mom cannot pick you up that early so you waited for the boys. Your eyes most of the time are focused to Sungchan’s tall figure, but still a glance or two on seeing Mark won’t hurt right? Apparently it hurts. A lot, even more as you think of how silly you looked like to Mark.
“Thank you for waiting,” Sungchan pinches your cheek first thing first after the team laughs along their way to the locker.
You shrug your shoulder “What else can I do?”
Sungchan notices the way your cheek feels different, “Yak why are your cheeks gone?” he quirks an eyebrow
You raise your brow, bewildered that you actually loss weight to that point, “Uh is it? No. you’re just imagining things.” You push him to change with the others and he joins them, but when you take a glance to your reflection you cannot disagree him.
“(y/n) you should eat!” Mark notices how you were quiet when they were shouting of what to order.
You jolt in surprise, “Ah yeah, don’t mind me, I will just order later, not that hungry now.” You smile to him.
“No way a person can stay sane after a skating class. You eat, don’t refuse.” Haechan suddenly speaks ending all of your thoughts. He ordered one for each and you just lose it, “I am in a diet!”
“Just one portion won’t hurt!” Haechan desperately puts his puppy eyes on for you.
“She can share with me, if that makes her more comfortable.” Sungchan calmly glances at you and raises his brow.
“She will share with me,” Sungchan speaks for you when you do not let out any rebuttal.
He understands, Sungchan is magical, in a way that you don’t have to speak your mind out loud, but he can grasp what you want to say. Words you speak in silence, within one look of an eye he understands. Does he secretly have the ability to read mind?
When the hot meal was served, the boys all quickly savour the hot food in front of them. They look super happy and you gasp when Sungchan hands you a fork with tteok in front of your lips.
“Eat up!” he smiles and that makes you finally open your mouth and eat the first yummy food in two months.
“I can eat by myself” you blush when the other members throw both of you a cheesy smile.
“Mark me too! Feed me too” Haechan attempted aegyo and that only earned him a smack from Jeno.
“It’s cute when (y/n) and Sungchan did it, but not you.” Jeno teases the couple and that make the team laughs, you cannot hold your laughter too and somehow laughing makes your shoulder feels lighter.
“You just finish two bars, please at least eat four for me…” Sungchan pleads when he finishes his half or more like three of a quarter. Yang yang is already eyeing your side of the plate, still full of fishcakes and tteoks.
“I am full,” you put your fork down but before you can say anything Mark already poke a fork on one of the red bars and offer it to your mouth “If you do not want to eat for you nor Sungchan, eat for me.” His hand is still hovering, and you glance to Haechan, who just sends you a nod of approval, “You don’t have to do this,” you sigh but take the fork instead.
“You eat, or we will do that one by one.” Said WInwin.
Your eyes pop open “It’s embarrassing! Okay I’ve had three! It’s enough… really… I beg you all, thanks.” You smile when they give up
The team separate way and Sungchan walks with you back home.
“Have you always been like this?” Sungchan asks as two of you walk under the moonlight.
You smile and he answers himself “No, you like tteokbokki. Is it because you still cannot move on?”
You smack your lips “I’ve moved on. Just can’t eat much because of the upcoming competition.”
Sungchan stops in track and looks at you deep into your soul “Mother?”
You force a smile “Aiya no way, how could a mother starve their children?! What will the world say?” you laugh out loud but Sungchan stays serious. He shakes his head and holds your hand tightly “Don’t laugh. It’s not funny.” He glances to your shaky hand in his bigger palm, “You were starved!”
You roll your eyes “Not starve. You exaggerated that one.” Though you secretly want to yell and ask him to just bring you foods everyday… but you know you’ll get embarrassed if people find out your mom did this to you.
“I just have to hold on for some months Sungchan, don’t worry.”
He gives up convincing you to eat more when you’re out with him, but he failed. And for once he wanted to turn back time and blamed himself for not forcing you to eat whenever he has the chance.
--
“You were too sick for practice” Sungchan worriedly sits on your side when you’re tying up your skates. His practice is always after yours, but for the last two months he had been coming to cheer you up on your practice and bring you small foods.
“I am not sick,” you chuckle and wipe a sweat that falls over your head.
“You’re having a cold sweat (y/n), this is not right.” He rummages his bag and takes out one piece of apple “Please,” he pushes his hand out to you and you shake your head “I can’t. I have to warm up, see you prince.” You lean in to kiss his cheek and his eyes twinkle for a moment but its soon gone when he sees your fragile poorly fed body slides on the ice rink.
Yes he has brought the relationship up by a notch with you 2 months ago. he’s been a wonderful supportive boyfriend and you would not change him for anyone, not even mark!
Sungchan knows you like his own little sister, he knows your behaviour and he knows how you hide your emotions well. What he doesn’t like is how you can perfectly lie into his face and sometimes he bought it. Like now, you lied about being okay but he can clearly see you looking super tired in the rink.
Sungchan leaves the benchmark and runs when he sees you stopping in the middle of your routine.
“You should eat.” He forces you a bar of chocolate when you reach the chair and finishes a glass of water. “Please eat for me.” He unwraps the bar and pushes it into your lips.
He did not let you eat half, he didn’t want to regret more. He’s been frustrated about your health and he wants to change it. Now it looks like you’re already affected by your mom’s unhealthy diet and he doesn’t want his girl to fall sick or even ruin her body with this kind of lifestyle.
When the bar is done, he offers you a sweet tea and you shake your head refusing his drink. He sighs “Come on, do I have to force this into your mouth?” he twists the bottle open and almost gulps down the drink and you quickly shake your head “I DON’T WANT.”
He quirks his brow “What? You think I’ll force this mouth to mouth? Sexy but nahh I’m not doing it here, there’s minors.” He wiggles his brow and you punch his shoulder.
“Is that all you got? Gosh (y/n) that punch is so weak. Eat more.” He teases you when you angrily grab the drink and gulps half of it.
You feel better, your sugar level is back to normal and you no longer feel cranky. Well, earlier you were cranky to your trainer and that must be because of this.
“Better now?” he asks when you lean into his shoulder. You nod “I was mad earlier, coach kept on telling me I made mistakes.”
Sungchan rubs your hair “Did you though?” You blush and fiddle with your skirt “Well I did. I am just too tired to repeat everything.” You lean your whole body into him and straighten your legs.
Sungchan grabs your hand and kisses the palm “Come on, your sugar level should be better now. Go nail the practice and I’ll bring you for a good dinner. We can have one cheat day right?” he winks and you laugh. Tempted so much by the dinner and feel fluttery because Sungchan can never stop surprising you with small cute romantic actions.
“I know your mom won’t be mad for one meal. I’ll be the one responsible if she is mad!” he sounds so sincere and you can’t hold back your laughter.
“I found myself a great man, didn’t I?” you pinch his cheek and he only kiss your hand “And I found myself a cute princess to take care of.”
Your mood is boosted and you get up from the chair “Watch me prepare for top three! Or Gold as mom said” you roll your eyes and ump down into the rink.
Sungchan stands on the side of the rink and gives you a thumbs up “I am aiming to see you enjoy ad express yourself on ice!”
Your heart softens at that, that was new! Everyone always encourage you for Gold or silver, or perfect performance.. but Jung Sungchan, the star who waits for you when you’re too engaged with the moon. The star in your dark night, the star of your heart, love of your life? He comes up with a new motivation. Not gold, not silver, not even bronze. He did not ask for a perfect performance, but for you, the love of his life, to enjoy and express yourself on ice.
You can’t wait to nail the rest of your practice and wait for his hockey lesson to finish. Well, you will have to kiss him for his encouraging words, thank him for a great dinner (though you did not know yet what you’ll be eating, but you know it’s gonna be great with him) and of course for reminding you the purpose of life. To enjoy and express yourself.
Your coach heard that too and he comes to whisper “So, I guess you did find the right one. Ready to start over and enjoy yourself?”
You nod and stare into Sungchan with stars in your eyes, “Ready.”
Epilogue
“WHEN I SAY ONE CHEAT DAY, I DON’T MEAN THIS.” You stare in horror at your boyfriend who brings you to an all you can eat restaurant.
He shrugs his shoulder “I am hungry, and you said I can choose.”
You shake your head “Not like this…”
He hugs your shoulder and drags you away from the restaurant “Even when I say dinner’s on me?” he brings you to watch the marbling meat a person is grilling next to the window.
You gulp “It’d be a waste.”
He giggles and ruffles your hair “Fine. We’ll keep this for your after performance. Now what do you want?”
You tighten your hug on his arm and smile “Tteokbokki sounds nice.”
Sungchan smirks “I knew it, you are weak for tteokbokki, that’s why I was super confused when you refuse to eat back then.”
You blush “Stop bringing that up.”
He giggles and bops your nose “Okay darling I’ll stop, anything to make you smile and be happy.”
“I love you Sungchan!”
“I love you most, (y/n)!”
fin.
tell me what do you think?? it’s happy ending right ;D
#sungchan x y/n#sungchan x you#sungchan x reader#sungchan imagines#sungchan fanfic#sungchan fluff#sungchan scenarios#sungchan angst#sungchan#jung sungchan#jung sungchan x reader#nct u 90s love#nct u sungchan#sungchan ff#sungchan soft hours#sungchan icons#sungchan smut#nct u imagines#nct 90s love#90s love#nct scenarios
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Half Yours, Half Mine
AN: *LIGHT SPOILERS for FATWS ep 3* Hello they are very much in love are they not? That pining energy from Bucky is just off the charts in ep 3. This is VERY angsty lmao
Pairing: Steve/Bucky
Words: 1569
One AO3 here
The day Steve gave Bucky the notebook, it was two days before Steve was meant to step on the new quantum tunnel. (Let’s call it what it is, a time machine. Bucky swears he’s living in a sci-fi novel sometimes.) He and Bucky were up late, talking about the things Bucky had missed in the last five years, the time heist, the support group Steve had started, the incredible Italian restaurant in the Upper East Side that Bucky simply had to try, when Steve suddenly had pulled the worn little book out of his pocket and handed it, wordlessly, to Bucky.
“What’s this?” Bucky turned the notebook in his hands, looking up at Steve, whose soft smile was enough to melt anyone, even a super-soldier.
“It’s something I started when I came out of the ice, something to help me…catch up with things. Like food, movies, music, historical events, things I missed when I was under. Things that people suggested, things I saw myself. I want you to have it.”
“Why?” Bucky had tried immediately to put the notebook back in Steve’s hands. He could feel this coming, ever since Tony’s funeral, he could feel Steve pulling away, making subtle, slight preparations for his absence. He had been giving things away: his worn books to Pepper, a simple gold chain to Morgan, a strange little collection of postcards to Bruce, picked up throughout his time on the run, all little pieces of his life, little pieces that, Bucky realized, would be to remember him by. Steve didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to.
“You’re not coming back are you?”
Steve’s face twists just slightly at Bucky’s words, reaching forward and pushing the notebook back towards him, refusing to take it.
“Come on, Buck. You know I don’t belong here-”
“Neither do I, I don’t belong here any more than you do,” Bucky can’t help the slight color of desperation, of anger in his voice. How can Steve even think of leaving him here? Leaving him behind?
“I- I’ve thought about this for a few weeks. I don’t want to leave you, I never want to leave you, but I just, I don’t think I can stay,” Steve is staring at the ground now, the guilt palpable in his eyes, his posture. He knew what his absence would cost the world, would cost the Avengers, would cost Bucky. Did he know how much it would cost Bucky? Did he really know?
Bucky can feel panic rising in his throat, the idea of being left alone in a big, wide world, a world without Steve? How does he tell Steve to stay? How does he tell Steve that he can’t live without him?
“Steve-”
Steve cuts him off before he can even start, like he can read his mind. There were days that Bucky had wondered if maybe he could.
“I know how it seems, that I’m running away. From the world, from you. I’m not Buck, and I don’t want you to think- I just...I saw her, Peggy, when we went to get the stones, and I swear I saw this vision, this future of my life with her, what my life would be. And that’s what I want. Natasha, Tony, they sacrificed everything, and maybe I have too. They told me to get my own life…this is a way I can do it.”
Bucky doesn’t say the words bubbling like acid in his chest, words that he had kept down, hidden, away from everyone since he was sixteen years old. Words that he wanted to say to Steve, things he wanted Steve to know, he way he felt about Steve, the way Steve made him feel when he looked at him for a second too long. Words that would be left forever unsaid except inside Bucky’s head, before his dreams turned to flashes of long-dead nightmares. He had never been a hero, only a coward, and his inability to say these words proved it.
Now was no time to be a hero.
“Okay, Steve. Okay,” is all that comes out of his mouth, and even though he can feel his heart rip into two, the smile that Steve gives him is almost worth it.
“I’m still with you. Always. Til the end of the line,” Steve points to the little book in Bucky’s hands, “I’ll be right there.”
Bucky can’t say anything, and Steve is watching him with what looks like longing in his eyes. Does he want Bucky to beg him to stay? Bucky wants to, he wants to with all his heart, but if this is what’ll make Steve happy…
They lean forward at the same moment, and Bucky tries to let all his feelings, all those unsaid words that were trapped in his throat bleed into the embrace. He’ll never be able to say them, never be able to look Steve in the face and tell him everything, tell him the whole truth, but if he could let the contact with his skin be some kind of reminder, maybe he would learn to accept that that was enough.
Steve is the one to break the embrace, and Bucky can feel the heat of him lingering on his skin, and Bucky clings to the feeling, trying to commit the way Steve held him to memory, placing it in the empty space where the Winter Soldier used to be, letting this memory bloom and sprout like a beautiful garden, filled with forget me nots and daffodils, the perfect mixture of blue and blond. Bucky swears to himself that he’ll tend this garden, feeding it with the memories of Steve, the memories that not even HYDRA could take from him. He and Steve spending all day at the movies, laughing at the commercials and eating too much popcorn. He and Steve getting their apartment together in Brooklyn, sleeping on the floor for three weeks because they couldn’t afford beds. Finding each other again in the middle of a war-torn Europe, Bucky accepting that Steve was suddenly taller than him. These memories would be the water, the sun in the sky to the garden in his mind, the garden of flowers that would be a constant reminder of Steve.
“You’ll be fine, Buck. I believe that.”
“I’d like to believe it too.”
Steve smiles again, reaching out to run his hands through Bucky’s long hair. Bucky closes his eyes at Steve’s touch, leaning into the warmth of his fingers.
“Just take a look at the list if you feel lost,” Steve pulls Bucky in again, hugging him tightly.
“I’ll miss you, Steve,” Bucky blurts out, still holding onto the sleeves of Steve’s jacket with all his might, refusing to put any more space between them. Steve huffs a little laugh, meeting Bucky’s eyes with a smile, with acceptance, with anticipation, with joy.
“I’ll miss you too, Buck. But it’s time for me to go.”
The notebook had become the piece of Steve that Bucky could cling to, that and Steve’s dogtags, which had been folded tenderly in the back with a scribbled note from Steve:
Keep these safe for me. I’ll see you on the other side. Always, S.
Bucky had gotten better now, he only read that note ten times a day instead of fifty, a hundred, a thousand.
He had taken his time, going through the pages of things that Steve had wanted him to see, sometimes imagining that Steve was there with him watching Rocky for the first time, trying Thai food from a restaurant down the block from their old building, or listening to Nevermind. Steve had been right, he was with Bucky in everything he did, every new thing that he tried. His garden of memories continued to bloom, all blue and yellow and gold, maybe with just a hint of green.
Maybe this was why Bucky had put his list to make amends in the same notebook. Maybe, just maybe, Steve would be with him when he spoke to these people who he had so deeply wronged as well. He liked to think it worked, that Steve’s warm hand was on his shoulder as he worked to make amends, even if sometimes he had to work up to it, or made the wrong step (though really, was what he did to that Senator really the wrong step?). Steve’s notebook became their notebook, and it was a living memory of Steve, one that grew like the garden in Bucky’s mind.
Bucky also makes a list, in the very back of the book, next to Steve’s last note to him, of things he wanted to tell Steve.
There was a bluebird outside my window today, you’d have loved it.
I was thinking of buying an old motorcycle and fixing it up, remember when we almost died that summer trying to race our old ones around the block and the brakes gave out?
Thai food is definitely a yes. So is Star Trek. You’d be a gold shirt, I think I might too.
Bucky keeps the back of the book a secret, never writing one of these notes in front of another soul. These were for him and for Steve alone, a reminder that, no matter where in time and space Steve Rogers was, Bucky would always be thinking of him, always growing that garden of blue and blond memories in his mind.
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