#fear of being stared at
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#nyctophobia#fear of the dark#scopophobia#fear of being stared at#fear of being watched#eisoptrophobia#fear of mirrors#felix the cat#boris the wolf#quest boris#quest felix#cala maria#bendy and boris in the inky mystery#babitim#inky mystery#art#the inky mystery#inkymystery
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Meet my imaginary friend, David!!
WARNING: SCOPOPHOBIA, NYCTOPHOBIA!!
Ik the shading is weird lol, I sketched this and I was going quick to finish it.
The little one in the back is scott, he's another ghost/imaginary friend that lives in my tent I have in my room (don't ask why)
#my art#art#scary warning#scary art#horror#horror art#fear of the dark#fear of being stared at#imaginary friend#ghost friends#friend
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People keep on asking for more Baby Robin and Papadile so here is more Baby Robin and Papadile. Now never ask anything from me ever again
#My art#One Piece#Long post#Sir Crocodile#Nico Robin#Alternatively panel 5 would've been a close up of Crocodile's face from Robin's POV where he looks like he's giving her a death glare#Not intentionally he's just a big scary bastard with a Resting Murder Face and Robin is a small traumatized child#But I wanted to focus on the silliness of the moment so you get the goofy version instead#IDK man there's just something very funny to me about the idea of Robin just randomly info-dumping about a subject she's read about#And Crocodile being like ''?????????????????????? The fuck you talking about??''#Robin leaves the ship's kitchen and Crocodile just stares at the tomato like ''...It's a fruit? Forreal?''#(Meanwhile Robin is sweating bullets like ''I called his favorite vegetable a FRUIT right in his FACE he's going to KILL ME'')#Robin grew extra feet from the bottom of her feet to reach the counter and that actually isn't me trying to explain bad art away#In the original Papadile comic there was a panel of Robin doing the dishes with extra feet to reach the sink but I cut it out#(It was a stress relief comic I did not feel like drawing a complicated background in detail) (BUT YES I THOUGHT OF IT)#Nico Robin Age 11 is *more* than capable of cooking Crocodile just does not trust her with his food. At least not yet#She did start doing the dishes unprompted and continues to do so (mostly out of fear). Croc told her she didn't have to but allows it#IDK a lot of people seem to headcanon Crocodile as incapable of cooking and like. Surely Mr ''I don't trust people'' knows how to cook#Like he doesn't have to be a master chef or anything but and maybe he enjoys not HAVING to cook (pain in the ass with one hand + knife/hook#But surely he can cook decent enough. SURELY#Botanists don't @ me I know the ''tomato is a fruit'' thing isn't fully accurate this is just a silly little haha comic
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Player choices can't stop me from wishing you.
Bonus:
#my art#goro akechi#persona 5#shuake#ren amamiya#p5r#akeshu#akira kurusu#tw scopophobia#the fear of being stared at or watched
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pov u are walking through the woods minding your own business in early 18th century new england
(click for better quality)
#i stared at this way too long and now i cant tell if it's awful or not#like that does not look like their faces but also maybe for the best bc actually drawing aubrey and kathryn like that was ??? for me#if this is the worst art ever committed to digital media blame it on it being 5am pls#also i was using a different tablet and brushes bc im not home#i fear im going to wake up tomorrow and hate this so i have to post it now or else#agatha all along#agathario#agatha x rio#agatha fanart#agatha all along fanart#agatha harkness#rio vidal#em’s art
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Bucky Barnes // The Winter Soldier Captain America: Civil War (2016)
the way he looks at steve (part 1, part 2, part 3)
(steve vers.)
#dailymarvelgifs#dailymarveledits#buckybarnesedit#bucky barnes#captain america#captain america: civil war#cacw#my gifs#sebastian stan#me: trying to make these gifs#the three lines on sebastian stans forehead: 👁️👁️#in case you dont remember the bottom left one is when steve and tony are watching footage of bucky killing tonys family <3#we love the drama we love the heartbreak we love the terrible fear in buckys eyes#worried about tonys reaction but no doubt worried about steves as well#if the footage is gonna make steve feel or think about him differently#we love it we love to see it#i will come back to these later when i need to#for reasons#anyways im posting these at a weird time and all of these moments have been giffed to death already#but i had to do it myself. i had to spend several hours staring at these men being vaguely gay in each others direction#to Heal. you know how it is
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Two whumpees who are scared of each other:
Neither of them want trouble
They are both so afraid of being near the other they avoid each other constantly
They flinch away at the slightest touch like one person and their mirror image
They are strangers, they do not trust each other, they have been burned too many times in the past and they will not be burned again
They stare at each other from a distance, not daring to actually interact
They want to avoid a fight so bad that they won't even say a word
Whumper loves seeing them together because it's amusing how similar they are
Their uneasiness around the other is promptly forgotten when Whumper arrives
Whumpee can't have friends; Whumper doesn't want them to, and we all know what happens when Whumper sees Whumpee doing something they don't like
If hungry enough, they can be bribed with food to spend time in the other's vicinity
Non-human whumpees?! Two puppy boys being very nervous with pulled back ears and big sad eyes hiding behind their owner's legs
One Whumpee lives here and in theory should be more confident than the other one, seeing as they aren't the one in a strange unknown place. That confidence flees as soon as the Other Whumpee takes even a single step in their direction. They do not want to fight, they just want to keep an eye on them at all times.
They flinch back and the other one flinches back too. They cannot stop doing this
Caretaker basically has to pretend with each of them that the other doesn't exist. If they mentioned that their counterpart is in the room right across from them, Whumpee would not be able to sleep.
They sleep as far away from each other as the room they are kept in allows, backs to the wall, staying awake until they can't anymore
I think Whumper should collar them and bind them together with a short length of chain. For enrichment purposes... For me
One of them starts to finally unwind and gently tries to connect with the other. The other does Not react well. They are both scared again
One Whumpee has a lot of scars — must be a fighter -> scary
The Other Whumpee has no scars — must be a Really Good fighter -> scary
Whumpee looks just like the Other — must be just as desperate and unpredictable/their whumper must be just as bad/they must be at a similar level of strength as them, no guarantee to win if fight breaks out -> scary
One whumpee is scared because they have been tortured into perpetual fearfulness — the other has never been tortured, but sees how bad Whumpee has it, and being the newest addition to Whumper's collection has them just as terrified
Whumper forces them to interact. The forceful, scary nature of their meetings sets back their otherwise slow natural warming up to each other by miles, having the worst kind of counter effect. Seeing the other reminds them of that time Whumper made them sit and hold hands for hours with the threat of punishment if they disobeyed
They both escape. They see each other across the street. They freeze and stare, thrust back in time, stuck in their old frightened and cautious headspace. Their caretakers are perplexed.
#whump#whump writing#my writing#whump prompt#there is a neighborhood cat that has taken to visiting the outside pantry where our cat's food is stored#they had a bit of a meeting today but both of them were so fucking scared of confrontation that they each just stared quietly#with their big dumb eyes#not even meowing of hissing angrily just being very carefully out of reach and keeping an very close eye on the other#but if one of them came a single step closer they would just back away#mine is an old cat that actually lives here and he was so concerned but refused to even pretend to be interested in defending his territory#if the other cat wanted to he could have come right in no issue my cat would just back up and keep watch from a few steps further inside#they are both so stupid <3333#so i simply had to show you my vision in whump terms#whump ideas#whump scenario#fear#torture mention#multiple whumpees#whumpee#whumper#caretaker
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what in the lgbt even was this scene (see tags for discussion)
#firstly loki calming mobius down with pie after mobius punched a bitch#he knows him so well#secondly mobius not wanting to return to his timeline because he likes his life at the TVA#let me repeat that#he likes his life with LOKI and he doesnt wanna go back to his timeline in fear of losing him again#loki literally saying 'oh dw bb we all get mad when i got mad i took over a city it happens to everyone'#then mobius being like 'you can do it ur the god of mischief :)'#then loki tilting his head and smiling and sTARING at him like the most smitten idiot ever#call me delulu but that's what i see#omw to put on my clown shoes honk honk#lokius#loki#loki show#loki s2#mobius m mobius#mcu#marvel
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ok, well. if last time i talked about parallels between near & light, i guess it’s only fair that this time i talk about parallels between mello & misa. yap central on this blog lately.
the main thing that stands out the most about mello & misa, and the reason why i will forever Defend them and their place in the story, is that in my mind they both function in a similar way on a narrative level: namely, both of them are incredibly active wild-card characters that keep the action going and the story moving forward when the other main characters like light, L, & near start getting too passive.
notably, while i often see this trait praised in mello, usually in the context of a comparative criticism of near for his overly-abundant passivity, i have also seen it used as a criticism of misa's character, that she breaks up the status quo of DN too significantly and thereby makes the story feel less realistic. this last point in particular is an odd argument to make imo, as if anything misa's presence only increases the realism of DN by adding some extra luck/random chance into the story in a way that is ultimately still character-motivated and thus easier for the audience to go along with-- something DN in general is very good at, often introducing elements through pure chance but keeping them grounded in characters enough that you almost don't even notice.
take light meeting naomi misora, for example: the only reason he runs across her at all is because he offers to run an errand for his mom on a bored laundry day, literally stumbling across her right at the exact moment she is divulging important insights she is literally the only person capable of making about kira. yet this moment does not stand out as particularly aggravating or out of place in the story, as ultimately the only reason why light is able to get out of that situation is his own quick thinking and ability to calm himself while under immense pressure, squeezing his way out of a potentially run-ending situation he didn't even know existed moments prior.
(not a fan of that big joel video, if you couldn't tell. lmao.)
point is, mello & misa both fulfill about the same narrative function in the story by being so aggressive in their actions, catching the others off guard even if their plans aren't as well thought out or careful as they could otherwise be. they're both incredibly passionate, dedicated characters as well, tough enough to take the hit when it inevitably comes, and in my opinion neither of them are nearly as stupid as the other MCs like to make them out to be. to some degree, i think both of them are aware of the fact that they can't win at the Mind Game Cold War Bullshit the others are inclined to get involved in, so they instead choose to carve out their own place in the story through sheer perseverance alone.
which, speaking of passion: one of the most interesting parallels i think you can make between mello & misa is the ways in which they idolize their respective heroes, misa's obviously being light while mello's is L. allow me to elaborate.
as this post points out, DN has some very interesting use of its religious imagery & theming, and in particular its use of christian/catholic gothic imagery in its story and especially its art. however, as op notes, a lot of this is quite superficial, ascribing to an aesthetic of "kitschy Catholicism," that was characteristic of a lot of early 2000s japanese goth style. yet, while i admit that a more serious consideration of religious elements in the art & story could add some interesting flavor to the story, i also think that, regardless of intention, the superficiality of DN's religious elements works really well in the context of this particular story. as i stated in my tags on that post: light is a superficial god. he is a fake, a scam, some idiot human that stumbled across the powers of a real shinigami and got his head up his ass about it. and a lot of the arcs of other characters in DN is about their reaction to light's claims-- whether they choose to follow him (e.g. misa, mikami), follow somebody else (e.g. mello), or follow nobody at all (e.g. near, also kinda soichiro?), and the implications that has for their lives and personalities.
this is all to say that while you can, on a surface level, connect misa & mello pretty easily as the two aggressive, fashionable blondes of the series, i also think that these somewhat superficial traits betray a greater connection between the two of them. if we understand the christian/catholic elements of misa & mello's fashion as a demonstration of their connection to not just a higher power but a lie, a superficial deity simply reflecting the sunlight of powers greater than himself, then i think we have great insight into another key element of both their characters.
do not forget: in the world of DN, heaven & hell do not exist. at least in the context of death itself, the realm & lore of the shinigami reign supreme, a point which the DN musical makes even more overt: "Isn't it a laugh? / Isn't it a shame? / Thinking there is someone in heaven to blame?" and "Going through the motions / as if there will be a reward / Oh, while we stay eternally bored!" (BEST SONGGG.) everyone is destined for the same fate of MU, the same void of nothingness awaits all. no reward, no punishment, no greater deity looking down upon us than the bored, slothful shinigami, lazing about in their realm and picking people off only when necessary (for the most part).
misa & mello are thus dedicating themselves to false idols, and we can see the negative effects this has on them in almost every facet of their character-- particularly for mello, who is perhaps more self-aware and has more of a mixed emotional outlook on his idol, but maybe even to a more extreme degree for misa. i keep going back to this idea of equating boredom with depression in DN, but where light/L/near are all "bored" in a very quiet, passive, stewing-in-bed late at night kinda way, misa & mello are characteristically a lot more aggressive and intense about it-- while neither of them are super overtly suicidal, necessarily, their actions still betray a distinct lack of care for their own safety or lives, expressing the same thematic sentiment as the others. even if they still don't straight up say it, through their actions they're a lot louder about not liking themselves, and seem to take the problems they see in the world more personally, shouldering the blame as a failure within themselves instead of projecting it outward like the others: e.g. light taking his unhappiness at the emptiness of his life at the start of the story & placing the blame on the world for "going to shit" & humanity's moral failings, versus misa being willing to literally & figuratively give up her life for KIRA the second he demands it, whether that be in the form of shinigami eyes or killing her own friends w/o second thought-- all because he was the only thing to bring justice to her own parents' deaths, an almost undoubtedly traumatizing/horrible experience for her considering how much value she places on KIRA/light afterwards.
to clarify, this is not to say that all of these characters are actually and literally depressed and/or suicidal, though you could certainly make that argument for some/all of them-- this is just one way that i think you could interpret their roles in the plot, and their thematic attachment to the story. even if DN isn't all that interested in considering the True Moral Answer to ethics/the justice system/human society/etc, it definitely takes at least some interest in the emotional viewpoints of characters in relation to those concepts, so i think this is a fair enough approach to take. or to say this another way, it's less about justifying the claim that "the world is shit," and more about trying to understand the emotional motivation & experience of feeling like the world is shit, if that makes sense.
that being said...speaking more on the whole "not liking themselves," thing: even if she doesn't say it aloud often, if ever, i think that misa is deeply aware of the fact that she was not supposed to live this long, that her existence at all is a pure stroke of luck that let her live on past her destined date. she dedicates herself to light so fully, not even necessarily expecting reciprocation (though she at least reserves herself the possibility of such), because being a disciple to her god at least gives her life some kind of purpose. similarly, i think mello is also aware of just how out of reach the one thing he wants is, how his desperation in and of itself is ironically the one thing keeping him from surpassing near and truly being #1. it's important to note that pre-time skip misa & post-skip mello are almost exactly the same age, around 20 years old at the time of their main arcs. they're immature, and in the case of mello especially, are lashing out at the world in whatever way they can because they know they don't quite fit into it in the way that they want to or should. regardless of the intent behind it, mello & misa both still make the conscious decision to kill with the DN-- perhaps in a way that still keeps their humanity, at least following near's logic, but it's a decision to end a human life either way.
anyways, going back to my previous point, this "worshiping of false idols," idea has some interesting implications-- for misa & mello yes, but also for L and the ways in which he contrasts again light, as under this logic mello's treatment kind of inherently gives L a similar status as a sort of false god/idol. which-- actually makes a lot of sense? or at the very least, viewing wammy's house as a kind of mystery cult a la the eleusinian mysteries is a neat approach to take. L & light's mutual alienation from humanity fits them both filling a false god status, anyway. also there's another thread of analysis you could follow here where near is instead fit into the role of the person mello is fixated on which AAAAAAAAA has interesting implications but jesus fucking christ, this post is long. some thoughts for another time, i suppose.
#death note#astronaut rambles#misa amane#mello#mihael keehl#mihael when he keehls you.........#damn u choc#the whole 'certified yapper' thing was kind of a joke a few posts ago fucking christ what happened to me#this ended up being about a lot more than just mello & misa oopsie#long post#had to pause in the middle of writing this cuz that ryuk/rem song is way too fucking good goddamn#...which also accidentally ended up being a couple days break. whoops#hope this one is still coherent i fear i got a bit repetitive even as the main points were quite simple =3=''#i should talk about the shinigami at some point... rem desperately needs some good meta around here aklsdfjk#sighh. all in due time#gotta post this now though so i can stop staring at it#ig it's bedtime for apples now. gotta go eepy so i can go grocery shopping tomorrow. :/#it's okay gotta feed yourself somehow#love you guys take care!!
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rick grimes ♡ favorite scenes [2/?]
I know we'll never get things back to the way they used to be. I only clung to that for you - for Judith. Now she's... gone. And you? You're a man, Carl. You're a man. I'm sorry.
#rick grimes#andrew lincoln#the walking dead#twdedit#the ones who live#twds4e9#after#my edit#ricksmarlene#one of my favorite scenes and episodes#my tumblr is named IT'S FOR YOU for that reason#rick staring at his reflection being severely injured and utterly scared#his eyes communicate the despair and fear if he is going to make it through the night#HIS LABORED BREATHING#wheezing from his punctured lungs#ouch my heart#STILL BEYOND ME HOW ANDY STILL HAS NO EMMY FOR ACTING HIS HEART OUT#this man IS rick#also…hottie
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study or no, I like my fictional men with shark eyes
#Wip#mapple blog#elden ring#white mask varre#varre#elden ring varre#white faced varre#Varré#Elden Ring Varré#white mask Varré#it was an arcane study all along#didn’t get the character style down but the rendering makes so much sense to me now#I already thought fortiche was godly#but good god#my brain is being squashed like a stress ball#how on earth do they do it#goddamn#varrés neutral expression strikes fear in me#I have too much of his pupils showing but#it’s kinda funny having a staring contest while I draw#gods be good#things are making more sense#first real line less render ever????#wow
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Rewatching act 2.... yeah ISHA WATCH OUT FOR THE CYCLE ISHA!!!!! NOOOOO
#ambessa setting up the logs on a fireplace while literally adding fuel to the fire with cailtyn... subtelty#silco spent his whole life trying to rile the undercity together STUPID JOKE THAT IT IS you have the chance to pull it off#isha is the true revolutionary after all... jinx get up to her level#was jinx scared of having hallucinations when the girl she released was gonna touch her shoulder??? and then she didn't#what i find really funny is that warwick knows how to use elevators and that funicular to the prison#also there is a lot of blood when he appears in the prison.... it was surprising#vander recognizing jinx with the name of powder after she complained about it eariler its just crazy crazy crazy#people commenting that its unrealistic how caitlyn bests vi when they meet in episode 6 as if there wasn't a montage about how she lost her#edge because of alcohol and living like shit.... she's not like jinx lmao....#rewatching so recently is so weird i imagine it is as close as being dr manhattan as i can get it is literally happening all at once#also the people of piltover are so dumb... lets let the government implement martial law and put this 20 something with 0 political#experience on charge with the army of this outsider agent. alright. i can tell you guys dont vote in this oligarchy you know fuck all#well i guess in that case it isnt the people of piltovers fault... just the important families that contribute in this oligarchy...#putting count fagula in charge.... salo is speciallt dumb but we all knew that#katie leung needs awards btw.... and interviews#“do not test this or you will yearn for caitlyn's dungeons” be careful singed my friend vi fell for that and look at her... her dungeons...#vander reaching for isha not jinx.... OR VI.... she just stopped him#“hes gonna kill you” and vi fighting vander to protect jinx.... yeah#and then she trusts jinx and the beast turns into vander... he serves as a recognizing tool for their true selves...#their mom being so worried about how to name vi and then names the second one POWDER kahdksjsk never not funny... also the barber of zaun#when vi joins with jayce she unlocks this loser flop aspect of her mother's inheritance.... two losers joining to maximize their joint flop#also vander kinda giving up this promise to protect the girls instead of bettering zaun... how it puts him in a standstill bc it's either or#like damn there is nothing as undoing as a daughter for reals. she didnt experience that bc she died so now vander has to and here we are#episide 6 starts with the end of the episode when viktor drops that metal piece..... hello..... is this anything#“do you think this place could work” underground utopia.... DYNASTIES AND DYSTOPIA FEAR IS NEVER AN OPTION SO DYING'S NOT A REAL PROBLEM#didnt ambessa suspect anything when they spent loke a full minite staring at each other 😭😭 she's lost her edge...#just like when she clocked sevika but not jinx... when there's a strong butch in the area her radar gets jammed up#and caitlyn leaving her weapon behind... ambessa thought she was gonna fistfight warwick or something#the metal thing falling when viktor dies repeats THREE TIMES WHAT DOES THAT MEAN#watching arcane season 2
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do i finish dunmesh tn ..
#JOOO IM SO SCAREDD im going 2 sit at my desk tmr night like when i finished trigun just staring ahead . nothing 2 do .#but its sooo good i want to see it through😭AUGGGHHF#girls .. marcilles dungeon lord outfit …orz… omg ..#two standout scenes one from vol 11 and one from 12#loved kabrus panic @ his inability to stop laios and co from moving forward . loved how the panels were arranged#and i loved laios dismissive tone vs kabrus stuttering and the sleeve pull imagery again and again and it slipping through his fingers#and the attempts 2 explain utaya but not knowing how and later on feeling rooted in place w fear . SOOO GOODDD !!?#second being marcilles descent into mad mage type of headspace .like wanting and needing so badly to see her desires out#but recognizing the overhwelming nature the powers n wishes have granted her and the insufficient timeframe which 2 accomplish things#that one panel in particular of her yelling for laios to shut up!!shut up shut up shut up#STOPPIF ORS SOOO GOOD I LOVE THE ART THERE#eehee ok maybe ill get through vol 13 and hold off 14 a little longer just 2 have a little smt left over😭#plus i need to see chimera!laios so bad. at least i think thats a thing that happens idk for sure but im a believer .#dunmeshi#dunmeshi spoilers#dungeon meshi spoilers
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please. i need alastor with his hair up so we can see the side of his head. second set of ears or smooth flesh prairie?
#hazbin hotel#alastor#hazbin alastor#hazbin hotel alastor#alastor ears#alastor's flesh fields#bc husk has the ears on top as well#but his head is shaped like a cat and he has all the fur so it works#but alastor is mostly human shaped when he wants to be and his face head is distinctly skinful#so.#like imagine he's uncomfortable or embarrassed by it because it's *yet another* physical difference that#invites the taunts and abuse and humiliation he faced in life (and is thus very sensitive about in afterlife)#he already faces being a PREY animal of all things#so. imagine. he always ALWAYS makes sure his hair covers the side of his head. in his twisted victim mind the lack of ears makes him#Wrong and Disgusting and Untouchable and A Monster (and not in the satisfying fearful way he enjoys)#so he pushes it away. doesnt let anyone learn about his ugly disgusting mutation because surely SURELY if they saw it...#he could lose everything he's worked so hard for. because who would fear him? who would respect him? who would bother looking in his#direction? he would just be another lowlife Freak undeserving of love and attention and— well#thats what he would tell himself. but then one day niffty's doing his hair like he sometimes lets her#and he's just enjoying letting her have her fun. kinda spaced out; mostly just enjoyjng the rare sensation of a touch he doesn't despise#it doesnt even register when she pulls his hair up (maybe into lil space buns or smthn idk) that it leaves his empty face on display for all#i can imagine angel being the most outwardly shocked. some loud exclamation that turns everyones attention to alastor and his earless face#just. everyone staring at him. and he realises. and he hates himself for slipping like that and oh no theyre going to hate him and tell—#— everyone and he will lose all that hes been working towards with the hotel and he is just. So. mortified. think shameful reactions:#averted gaze; flushed cheeks; figeting under their stares; or perhaps the classic deer-in-headlights look as he freezes in shock#just as he feels everything crashing down around him. the others get ahold of themselves and share their reactions too#shock; confusion; endearment (charlie would 100% do a big AWW/want to touch it); reassurances galore when they see him retreat into his mind#they tell him it's normal (he's in hell; no longer a human but a demon; everyone looks odd by some standard)#they tell him it makes sense (he's a deer after all). they tell him his appearance is nothing to be ashamed of and that everyone is still#super intimidated and frightened by him ♡; that it doesnt change anything; that theyre sorry for whatever led him to believe otherwise
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i hope dennis slaps mac across the face when he tells him I Love You for the first real time. i hope he does it out of fear because of the sincerity that coats mac's eyeballs and the emotion that frames them. i hope he feels so fucking bad about it afterwards and it haunts him till he can't stand it and finally says it back but does it in his scared afraid way and he refuses to meet intense eyes that fill with rage but overflow with pain and there's tears and blood and bruises but the tenderness of the bruises are met with a sweetness that's always been there wanting waiting yearning and curling in itself over and over again
#becausw idk the fear of being overexposed n thrown out#anyway#love having a maggot-infested head i don't feel ill whatsoever girl#macdennis#imagine i am smoking a cigarette staring at the ceiling/sky almost yelling (i do neither of those things)#can i wear a tanktop in it too i never wear those
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struggling again with extreme artblock and general demotivation (as in nothing seems fun or appealing and you sit around staring at nothing doing nothing bc apparently no matter what i do whether drawing or not drawing i end up like this now)
i started to watch skitties totk video (again) and wrote a big post about how much i hate how the gorons are treated there but saved it as a draft like i have been doing with several rants now in order to not spam people with it over and over
but it does end up feeling like talking to a wall and just kinda .. increasing this looming feeling of extreme loneliness i have been fighting with for .... since i left school really..
#ganondoodles talks#personal#i know i know this is my own doing#i never go out and have enormous trouble keeping in contact with people or answering messages#i never ever mean it mean#it feels like my battery is never above 10% charged no matter what i do#and answering messages often takes too much#which just makes this whole problem worse#its like a spiral making everything worse and idk how to fight it#maybe meds would help me#but if i have trouble even answering an ask i cant try to start the process of getting diagnosed with whatever hundreds of things-#-that are wrong with me#also being afraid of being put under surveillance or something for it doesnt help either#also fearing wrong meds doing wrong things bc i am weird#also afraid of not taking any meds bc that can reduce your lifespan if you are weird like me or something#which ........................... adds dread and guilt and doesnt help either#sometimes i wonder how i am evn still alive#the only reasons why are probably -luck- and being too much of a coward to end it all back when i was at the worst point of my life#bc i am not strong or resilient and getting through the worst .. so far .. hasnt made me stronger- just weaker and more pathetic#idk why im rambling all this in the tags- it must be exhausting to read .. i know it is#ill just go back to staring at a wall
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