#extra standard deviation

[tomorobo-illust]

See hi-res version here: patreon.com/posts/106351320

Not too deep of a story, but @extra-standard-deviation requested a comic of Letho and Eskel and I of course HAD to include Lil'Bleater lskdjfsd During a battle, Letho spotted the goat and spent the entire fight protecting the baby.

Thank you so much Kestrel for being so patient and for indulging me in the wonderful world of Witcher~ As I finished this up I was reminded of how much I missed these two (especially Letho <3) It felt so good to draw these two again!

[yukipri]

I just thought of this and couldn't stop laughing and wanted to share the joy.

Ok so you know the episode of ATLA where they use airbending to make it look like Katara is an earthbender but there's the split second of THE LEMUR IS AN EARTHBENDER?!?

Ok so that but it's TCW and the clones are trying to trick some clankers into thinking one of them is a jedi in order to infiltrate a force prison (why? IDK logic begone)

But then the droids are like IS THAT ASTROMECH A JEDI and it's fuckin. artoo. Imagine the mayhem. Please.

I only vaguely remember what episode you're talking about since it's been well over a decade since I watched ATLA, but could be an interesting situation! Artoo does like to cause mayhem!

❀ ❀ Send YukiPri an Ask! ❀ ❀

[sunderwight]

SV fic where Shen Yuan rationally decides to be gay. For rational, strategic reasons. He has to do it.

Reason 1: every woman in the world has pretty much been reserved for the protagonist. trying to get with anyone would seal his fate as a rival, on top of a villain! he's basically either got to spend the rest of his life a bachelor or find another option.

Reason 2: obviously as a straight man Shen Yuan would prefer the bachelor option, but that's just leaving him wide open to attacks! Shen Qingqiu already did a poor job of cementing any alliances, having no family to speak of and pissing off the majority of his sect siblings. frankly he's left Shen Yuan in a bind that only some kind of concrete financial and social alliance could solve!

Reason 3: no man wants to die a virgin, right?

Reason 4: increasingly progressive standards in fiction have actually made it gauche to kill off openly gay characters. while a stallion novel might still go in that direction, it's not like he could make his fate much worse, so it's worth a shot, right?

anyway this all leads to Shen Yuan carefully reconstructing the image of Shen Qingqiu into the token complicated gay character. obviously he's not going to put the moves on any of his disciples (he doesn't want to fall into those gay stereotypes!), but to cement the image of himself as a gay man he's going to need to put the moves on someone.

it's a shame that the OG was so well-established in his enmity towards the sect leader. Yue Qingyuan seems like he might have at least entertained such interest, although he's also more of a brotherly type and probably not gay, so perhaps it's for the best in the long run.

luckily, another option falls right into Shen Qingqiu's lap (almost literally!) when he saves Liu Qingge from a qi deviation.

Liu Qingge is actually the perfect target for an unrequited crush. it recontextualizes some of his and the original's enmity, Liu Qingge was dead in the original story so it's not likely to mess up anything worse than him just being alive does, Liu Qingge is beautiful enough that it's believable anyone would be secretly in love with him, and a war god is almost certainly straight, which gives Shen Qingqiu time to adjust to the idea of living as a gay man for the rest of his (hopefully long) life. y'know, before he finds an actual gay to partner with!

the only downside is that coming on to Liu Qingge might discourage him from protecting Shen Qingqiu and repaying his debt in the long run. luckily, that doesn't seem to be the case! despite his face frequently turning red (from anger?) and him sometimes literally fleeing at Shen Qingqiu's awkward attempts at flirting, Liu Qingge never misses an appointment to cleanse his meridians, and seems to take his safety and well-being very seriously.

what an honorable man!

shame that Luo Binghe doesn't seem to like him, though. Shen Qingqiu's not sure what to make of all that. that's your future brother-in-law, Binghe! at least make an attempt to win him over! oh well. at least he's not ruining a relationship between in-laws that otherwise could have been good, as he makes extra sure to subtly bemoan, in front of Luo Binghe, the tragedy of his deep unrequited love for Liu Qingge. for like the third time that week.

[thydungeongal]

So okay, my harping on about D&D 5e actually being relatively complex isn't to say "and that's why D&D 5e is bad," it's to address the idea that D&D 5e is easy to learn (it's clearly not: despite its market dominance a lot of people actively resist learning it and also a lot of people are also teaching it wrong). But there is more to it than that: D&D 5e has implemented design decisions that make it harder to learn than some of its predecessors.

Part of this is down to the insistence on using natural language for what is, ultimately, still a heavily keyworded system, meaning to ambiguity arising from when it's unclear whether a given phrasing refers to a keyword.

Part of it is down to absolutely bizarre moon logic that has actually made the game harder to understand. During an early playtest the game had a relatively simple action economy: a character could move and do a single action. This was done to address the "difficulty" of the action economy of D&D 4e. Now, 4e actually has a pretty dang simple action economy of a standard, move, and minor action; the reason it tends to slow people down is because it leads to analysis paralysis, with players trying to optimize those three actions to the best of their ability. So the slowing down effect of the action economy of 4e was actually misidentified as it being too difficult.

Now the simplification of the action economy into action and move is actually something I can get behind. But once the designers realized that dang 4e was actually kind of cooking when it introduced an extra action characters could do in addition to a movement and an attack and they were forced to deviate from their action and move model. And they introduced the bonus action.

The bonus action is, in many ways, similar to D&D 4e's minor action, but worse in every possible way. Bonus actions come with a bunch of limitations, exceptions, special edge cases governing when they can take place during a round, some of them have special triggers that need to happen first before you can use them. And then there's the entirely artificial limitation on number of spells a character can cast per round which adds unnecessary complexity.

All of which is to say: arguably more complex games can be easier to teach than D&D 5e because they are actually better written and make use of design techniques that actually improve learning, such as templating and keywording, and don't have bizarro universe action economies that make Rolemaster 2e's action economy seem relatively straightforward.

[fluffyartbl0g]

Redraw of the panels that SHATTERED MY HEART o(；△；)o!!! OG panels + Opinions on the Luffy separation arc under read more

Okay let me just go on a tangent about my feelings about the post-series Luffy separation arc, cause I think it gets way too much hate when it’s such a heartbreaking and well executed deviation from oda’s standard formula!!! I know that we all love monkey d. luffy and he’s LITERALLY the main character of the series, but it was also really nice to get more time to focus on the rest of the crew. But here’s the thing, even when Luffy wasn’t here, he was still here. And I’m not talking about the so called ‘blessings’ or whatever that kept SUSPICIOUSLY popping up around the crew when Luffy disappeared, I’m talking about the consequences that arised from him disappearing. We truly got to see how grand the effect luffy has had on the world around him, and how many lives he was able to touch ; - ; So even though luffy physically wasn’t present (I mean KIND OF but you know what I mean), this was still VERY MUCH a luffy arc imo. 

Oh man but I think Oda wrote luffy’s disappearance so well,,, I was sobbing for like 80 percent of this arc. Like just gradually seeing the crew’s deterioration as time passes by,,, but everyone has such unwavering faith in their captain, he HAS to come back cause Luffy always comes back. But here’s the thing, Luffy didn’t know what was happening to him when he started disappearing. But what he DID know is that he wasn’t sure if he was gonna be able to come back or not. And Luffy hates breaking promises- he’d never make a promise if he didn’t plan to keep it, and he’s not an idiot either, so when he just felt himself disappearing and saw zoro nearby... Instead of saying something like “I’ll be back!” and potentially making his crewmates wait for him forever, he tells zoro to “take care of the crew”... SOBBING AND CRYING T - T. So YES. the crew has unwavering faith in their captain. But. Luffy didnt say that he’d be coming back or anything. So what are they supposed to do really.

And it’s really hard to read at some parts, like it never loses the goofy tone that has been there throughout all of one piece and it’s really sweet to see everyone rely on each other to keep one another afloat, but the slight tension that keeps building up over the months while they keep looking for clues and answers... And how each lead keeps becoming a dead end... When it builds up and Usopp finally voices the thing that’s on everyone’s mind.

Oh man. I started crying so hard. It took 6 month for any one of them to say something. Like this is One piece. Of course Luffy is gonna come back eventually, it would be waay too dark otherwise... But Idk man, even I started to doubt that :((( But luckily. THIS IS ONE PIECE. So right after everyone started,,, well not exactly losing hope or anything (maybe a bit)? but going BATSHIT INSANE FROM THE REALITY THAT THEIR CAPTAIN MIGHT BE GONE FOR GOOD, they finally got a solid actual clue of what might’ve happened to luffy!!! And I’m SO GLADDDD!!!!

Omg and when they tracked down the pray-pray no mi user and finally got some answers out of him. OMG WAIT A MOMENT I REALLY LIKED IS WHEN PRIEST GUY IS LIKE “urerheg without luffy up there as a god the entire world may very well be destroyed cause the sun has been super unstable for centuries blah blah” and then Nami freaking PUMMELED THE GUY AND SHOVED HIM DOWN WITH HER STAFF AND

SOBBING CRYING SOBBING. THEY WOULD POTENTIALLY BLOW UP THE ENTIRE WORLD IF IT MEANT THAT THEIR CAPTAIN WOULDNT HAVE TO BE LONELY ; - ; KILL ME.

URGH I was really hoping that Luffy would return right once they beat him up cause I really really missed my boy, but honestly I think the final method of getting Luffy to return was super clever and absolutely worth the extra 3 weeks of waiting!!! I know that it was foreshadowed across the whole West Blue Saga and everything but I honestly had no clue it would end like that, DONT MAKE FUN OF ME :(((

When the crew finally got their captain back after 8 months of waiting... I mean they’ve been separated before for even longer periods of time, but they always knew that they’d be back together. This time they didn’t know. BUT AREHAHRGE ALL THE PAIN AND SUFFERING WAS SO WORTHIT WHEN THEY ALL FINALLY REUNITED T - T!!!!!! UWAHHWHAHWUAAGGHA!!! AND SEEING ALL THEIR ALLIES AND FRIENDS THEYVE MADE JUST CHEER AND CRY WHEN THEY HEAR THE NEWS!!!! I WOULD CHUCK ALL THE PANELS HERE IF I COULD BUT ID JUS T REACH THE IMAGE LIMIT BECAUSE ALL OF THEM MADE ME CRY ; - ;!!! Literally just read those 5 chapters in the arc finale cause,,,, man so good T - T

Anyways TLDR: The post-series luffy seperation arc is NOT BAD and you guys are JUST COWARDS AND LIARS!!!!

[servantofthefates]

Minchiate Etruria | 1806 - 1807

This deck has 41 Major Arcana cards and a total of 97.

The extra cards are the four virtues (Hope, Prudence, Faith, Charity), the four elements and the 12 Zodiac signs.

Other deviations from the standard tarot deck are a few Major Arcana character replacements, the portrayal of two female Pages, and the use of centaurs and monsters to represent the Knights.

[laious]

haikyuu characters formality guide

in general: speaking formally will change the pattern of your words and insert extra articles at the end of sentences. if you're older, you can address your juniors by either their first or last name (first is usually more intimate though; see oikawa calling hinata "shouyou") and you don't have to use formal speech patterns. of course, if you're the same age you don't have to do so either.

generally assume that everyone keeps to a standard level of formality with their seniors and will, most often than not, call seniors by their last names + san

karasuno

hinata: obviously formal to his seniors (except kenma), but pretty relaxed about calling them by their first names or nicknames (e.g. noya-san, asahi-san, daichi-san)

kageyama: formal and does not deviate. calls his seniors by their full last names (even atsumu and osamu, who other characters usually differentiate by calling them by their first names, or sawamura, whom most others call daichi-san). he calls kiyoko shimizu-senpai, even though most others will say kiyoko-san (like noya and tanaka). the unusual part is that he calls his grandfather by his first name + san. miwa refers to him as kazuyo-kun, which is definitely weird. they've got an interesting family dynamic

tsukishima: formal. but also very snarky. he also calls his seniors by their full last names

yamaguchi: formal, same as tsukishima but much more polite

yachi: overly formal at times to the extent that she slips into ceremonial speech pattersn, but this is played for humor and is symptomatic of her overly anxious personality

tanaka: formal, but will call kiyoko-san by her first name

noya: same as above, except 1) when he fought asahi in s1, he didn't use formal language at all, and 2) he calls yaku "morisuke-kun." seems like nekoma third years are pretty casual! plus nishinoya tends to use people's first names for people he's close with (e.g. shouyou, ryuu, chikara).

everyone else

kenma: he explicitly doesn't like the hierarchical system. he calls kuroo by a nickname and doesn't speak formally to him at all. interestingly, he also doesn't speak formally to kai or yaku, and refers to them as kai-kun and yaku-kun. this is pretty unusual but it goes to show how accepting others are of his quirk (or that he's just really close to the 3rd years)

atsumu: formal with the third years, but not formal with aran, whom he calls aran-kun. this makes sense because they're childhood friends. post-timeskip, he interestingly refers to bokuto as bokkun, which is pretty informal, and as far as i remember he doesn't speak to him formally. also, he likes to call everyone by their first names + kun, which i guess is to be expected seeing as almost everyone calls him and osamu by their first names.

sakusa: his speech patterns is one of my favs bc it's all over the place. he's polite to his seniors and post-timeskip will use formal language with bokuto and call him bokuto-san, but then why the hell is he speaking so informally to ushiwaka? it's not even like they're longtime friends? he calls him wakatoshi-kun and doesn't use formal speech patterns with him at all. shocking.

that's about it for now i think

[paddlescuddlesbubblesgurgles]

Isn't the way we do XL sizes hot?

Like, first you're "large", maybe a standard deviation away from the average, of that. The big side of normal.

But then you get fatter than that, now it's notable. You're not just large. You're too big for large. You're extra large.

But then you keep growing past that and now we have a problem. You're even fatter than the notably fat. So we settle on "Extra Extra Large".

But you can't leave well enough alone, can you and now your fatter than the "fatter than fat". So we throw up our hands and call it "3XL" for short, which is a good thing because you keep getting fatter than we previously thought possible, so we just keep adding to the number in front as we add inches to the latest batch of clothes.

it’s so wild I’ve gotten here. I haven’t worn a large in a long time. Literally decades I think. But 5XL? I never in my wildest dreams ever anticipated being over 3XL. When 4XL came I chocked it up to me simply wanting baggier clothes. I literally said to myself “better stop here, all the stores don’t carry over 3XL in person”. A 3XL is now a kinky shirt for me that I could break buttons off of.

5XLs aren’t baggy on me. They just fit correctly. I could probably get away with a 5XLT, because I’m very tall and have a hanging gut.

it’s an astute observation you’ve made here. I am now 5 times larger than the large size, and I suppose it makes sense? I eat 3-5 times, sometimes 8-9 the average person each meal. The average person’s lunch is only 1/5th what I eat. I literally consume 5X the serving sizes. My daily caloric intake is often close to 5X the average person.

So it does make sense doesn’t it? 5XLs suit me. I’m 5X the person.

It will be a shame if I outgrow my current wardrobe. I love them all!

[defmxl]

⊹ ࣪ ˖ MASTERLIST

'ANOMALY.' - STANFORD PINES

ANOMALY - something that deviates from what is standard, normal, or expected.

⎯

❝And I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.❞

SUMMARY -

A story in which a six-fingered boy falls in love with a spotted girl. Meeting as awkward pre-teens to falling in love.

Iris Irie Cruz was born differently than many other kids. A red birthmark covered the left side of her face. Stanford Filbrick Pines was born differently as well. But instead, he adorned an extra finger, six fingers on each hand. Both were labeled as freaks for their gifts. Fate had brought both of them together but at what cost? Bill Cipher an interdimensional demon fated to ruin Stanford Pines and the others around him.

CHAPTERS -

PROLOGUE - 'NEW BEGINNGS.'

PART ONE - 'RISE."

(All rights to Alex Hirsch, the creator of Gravity Falls. All characters are not mine except my OCS. Thank you and enjoy.)

[beefrobeefcal]

Some angst??? Idk. Maybe there’s something here. You decide.

This is after Frankie tells mouse that he is as big as he wants to get. Mouse, being the wonderful partner she is, listens to his request and stops encouraging any extra ~indulging~ to help him maintain/lose weight.

BUT each time they pass a gelato shop without going in or mouse says no to a dessert menu, it stings. It’s as if he’s been left hanging for a kiss or like he’s been left on read.

Food has become an avenue of affection, and now that it’s closed he’s realizing how much it means to him. And even though he’s the one that asked for this, he feels like he’s going crazy being denied in this way.

To Nonnie, Love Beefro

The bitch is back. Need we say more?

--------<3---------

Beefro Proudly Presents:

a Chubby!Frankie one shot

The Catfish & The Mouse: All Pent Up & Nowhere to Go

Pairing: Frankie Morales x Pregnant Fem!Reader

Summary: A communication breakdown causes a lot of angst.

Rating: Explicit 18+ (MDNI)

Word Count: 3,546

Content Warning: weight talk, angsty angsty, self esteem issues, communication breakdown, allusions to oral (f-receiving), feederism talk, car smut, masturbation, p in the v, established relationship

Author's Notes: I know this deviated from the original ask, but I hope this suffices, Nonnie. It's not as sweet or innocent as I think you were looking for. Thank you @xdaddysprincessxx for beta'ing & offering ideas! Thank you to @neverwheremoonchild for also beta'ing & being their every awesome supportive self.

Things were rough, that much was true. After the night that Frankie had confided in you that he felt he was big enough then thinking out loud about how maybe he was getting too big, you’d done your best to keep his meals at standard portions and not offered anything indulgent to him. 

On a Saturday, Benny had stopped by to return the snow shovel he’d borrowed from Frankie. Having not seen him in a while, you stepped back into the house to let the guys catch up. But you heard everything through the kitchen window as the guys chatted in the backyard. 

“Fish! Holy shit! You losing weight? Last I saw you, you looked... you were bigger!”, Benny chirped with a huge smile on his face, patting Frankie on the shoulder. 

“Yeah... well, you know... was getting pretty big... wanna keep the Mrs. Happy...” 

You almost dropped the knife while you were chopping vegetables.  

You peaked out the window and saw Benny’s face twist in confusion as he looked at Frankie. “I... dude, I thought... I mean, if you’re serious about it, I could always use your help. Trying to become a personal trainer... you know, I need to personally train someone...?” 

It wasn’t like Frankie hadn’t specifically said to you that he might be too big, but the way you jumped at his words and completely changed how you fed him – how you cared for him – was jarring. To see his portion sizes shrink so quickly and not be offered a dessert was disappointing for him. At the rate you changed everything, he couldn’t help but feel that you had wanted him to lose weight. Were you embarrassed to be seen with him like that? Were you glad to have a smaller partner? Did his body disgust you and were you doing a good job being supportive?  

Frankie’s mind would churn and whirl through every insecurity almost nightly as you slept peacefully next to him. When Benny offered to help him slim down further, he thought you would be happier, but it only made him feel worse about himself, and he didn’t know how to tell you. He didn’t want to disappoint you.  

Almost four months since Benny offered, Frankie had shrunk. Not by mass proportions, but enough that his silhouette was definitely smaller. It could have been because he wasn’t constantly heaving around a big, full belly anymore, but his clothing was no longer pulled tight across his middle. You did your best not to say anything about his body or comment on his eating, and despite your disappointment at his changing physique, you kept up a supportive and positive attitude. You had no idea that withholding that was eating Frankie up inside. 

The positive side of this was that Frankie’s broad shoulders were definitely broader and his arms were thicker and more muscular. But Frankie was miserable; he missed how you looked at him adoringly as he ate, or how you would squirm under his weight. He’d pulled away and was irritated almost all the time when he was home. He'd barely touched you in the past two months, and it left you wondering why he had become so removed. You’d tried talking to him, crawling onto his lap in nothing but a smile, but he’d declined, saying something along the line of being tired. Needless to say, the dejection had caused your vibrator and dildo collection to increase. 

Frankie texted you on a Friday evening and said he was going to the gym with Benny, and you could eat without him.  Your heart sank when you read the message and you ate your pathetic peanut butter and jam sandwich alone at the table. Your sadness quickly turned to anger with a smack of horniness; he’d gone from needing to make you scream his name and come on his hands, mouth and cock almost daily to barely looking at you, and you had only done what you thought he wanted you to. Not bothering to clear the table, you stomped off to your bedroom and grabbed one of your toys from the drawer. It was a newer one that was specifically used on your clit, and it was the closest thing to his mouth you could get. Not bothering to look at the time, you got to work, making yourself whine and pant, starting the ritual you’d created every time you missed his touch.  

You were so engrossed and close to climax that you didn’t hear Frankie’s truck pull up or the door open. You didn’t hear him come down the hallway because he no longer called out your name; he had stopped doing that a month ago. You didn’t hear him standing in the hallway, rocking between his feet anxiously, listening to you pulling those sounds that he used to out of your mouth. You didn’t hear the hurt that was boiling over into frustration and anger in his mind.  

You did, however, hear the bedroom door open as you came, and when your eyes met his, you barely recognized the broad, angry man standing in your doorway. 

“What. The. Fuck.”, he snarled through gritted teeth. In his heightened state, he couldn’t differentiate whether his anger was at you for what you were doing or at him for not willing to do it to you himself. 

“Frankie... baby... hi...”, you said softly, reaching your hand out to him, beckoning him to join you. 

“What the FUCK is that?”, he barked, clearly hurt, and pointing to the vibrator in your hand. 

You jumped at his harsh, loud tone, then closed your legs and pulled your knees to your body. Swallowing hard, you tried to find your voice, “Honey... I just... I needed...” 

He stepped into your room, his hulking form at the end of the bed. His eyes darted between your face and the vibrator. For the first time ever in your relationship, he felt unneeded and replaced. Betrayal broke out on his face, and he yelled, “You needed what? To replace me? Let me know I can’t keep you happy, so you put of a fucking show for me to come home to?” 

This was not your Frankie. Why was he mad? He’d never been angry before when he’d walk in on you masturbating in the past. He used to take it as the warm up act before he got to the main event, even telling you to finish for him before he got involved.  

“Baby... honey, no! I could never replace you! I just... I wanted a release... I didn’t think it was a big deal!” 

“That’s why you had to hide it then, huh?”, he yelled again, this time, sadness and hurt clearly in his voice. He didn’t know how to tell you the deep hurt he felt, thinking you were hiding this from him; thinking you didn't want him anymore, “Wait till I’m not home and then fuck yourself? Don’t need me anymore?” 

You saw his body language show more than his words could say. He was hurting and had been hurting for a while. You had no clue that he was making this whole big change for you, and now you’d basically told him that after all that hard work, you’d replaced him. No, you had no idea what was running through his head. All you knew was that you were tired of being rebuffed and ignored and wanted to give yourself some much needed pleasure and release and he was mad at you for it. 

“How fucking dare you! You barely even look at me anymore – let alone touch me – and you want to give me shit for wanting to-to feel good?”, you yelled back, standing up from the bed. His face fell and his big brown eyes widened. Your emotions were getting the better of you, and you could feel the hot tears begin to flood your eyes. Your voice cracked. “What is happening, Frankie? Talk to me!” 

He said nothing. He just turned and hurried out of the room, and you heard the back door slam shut and the garage door open. You waited to hear the truck start, but nothing came. You grabbed your things from the bathroom and bedroom and settled into the guest room. 

After having a shower in the guest bathroom, you’d crawled into the guest bed and tried to sooth yourself by scrolling through your phone. It was only once you heard Frankie come back into the house that you put your phone down. You saw his shadow pass the guestroom door, heading to your room, and then come back out and hover in front of the door. You wanted to call out to him, but it seemed fruitless. He’s turned down so many of your advances and chances to open up, you figured this was it. If he wanted it, he had to make the move. 

Your heart broke for a second time that night as the shadow retreated back down the hallway, and you heard your bedroom door close. 

Your night was restless; you tossed and turned, never able to find a spot that was comfortable. By the time morning light was pouring in through the window, you’d resigned to the fact that you were not going to get more than a few hours of sleep.  

As you laid in bed, trying to decide how to tackle the awkwardness that was sure to come from your next interaction with Frankie, your phone buzzed and your heard his buzz, too, from the next room.  

Calendar Reminder! - 12:00 pm – Taste of the Town! Food Truck Festival 

You groaned quietly, turning off the reminder. You’d bought tickets months ago for this, before Frankie’s health kick, at his request. You’d already made up your mind that he wouldn’t want to go – you weren’t going to make him – and opened up your messages to ask the group chat if anyone wanted the tickets.  

As you typed, a notification popped up from Frankie.  

You still wanna go? 

You were stunned. You knew he knew you’d read the message, and you wanted to answer, desperately clawing at any shred of attention he was willing to give you, but he was still on your shit list. 

Was gonna ask the guys and Hannah if they wanted the tickets. Assumed you wouldn’t want to.  

Through the walls, you heard him get out of bed and rip open the bedroom door. You got out of bed and waited for him to come bursting through the guestroom door, but instead he knocked. 

“Mouse? I-I think... I want to go with you. Might be fun, baby...” 

His voice was soft and pleading, and it made you melt. But you wanted an apology, an explanation!  

“It’s okay... I know it’s not your thing anymore...” 

The door opened up and Frankie stood in front of you with an adorable pout on his face.  

“No. I want to go. With you. I want to go with you.” 

You’d conceded and now that you were standing outside in the sunshine with Frankie as he ate a hot dog, you were glad you did. While the conversation was a bit awkward and stilted, he was at least talking to you.  

You mind wandered, watching the other happy couples walking hand in hand, when Frankie’s voice pulled you back.  

“Mouse? You gonna eat that?” 

You turned to him, then looked where he was pointing – at your hot dog.  

“Oh... no. Go ahead.”, you said quickly. Then as he grabbed it and was about to take a bite, you blurted out, “Are you sure you want another one?” 

You knew it was wrong as you watched Frankie’s eyes fall. He closed his mouth and put the hot dog down onto the picnic table, and sulked. You felt horrible. 

“Honey... I didn’t mean to stop you. I just thought...” 

“Thought what?”, he interjected in a cold, quiet tone. “Thought if I ate that you’d have a fat boyfriend again?” 

You froze, feeling the lump in your throat start. Is that what you had become? That girlfriend? “No... No, I thought it’s what you... I - never mind. You enjoy it, okay?” 

He didn’t look up at you. You did your best to keep the tears at bay, but it was quickly going to be a fruitless endevour. You got up from the table, trying and failing to keep your voice from breaking, “I’m going to get us something to drink, okay?” 

If he tried to stop you or say something, you didn’t know; you were already moving away from him, discreetly wiping your eyes.  

The rest of the afternoon was quiet and somber. Frankie had eaten your hot dog, but avoided anything else except the lemonade you brought him. You were exhausted, physically and emotionally, and you didn’t want this to go on any longer. 

“Frankie?” 

“Hmmm?” 

“I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. I don’t know what I did to fuck this up, but I want to make it better.” 

He stopped and looked at you. You felt his eyes look over your face, examining you. And he was. He was looking for his Mouse; his sassy, hot tempered, spitfire Mouse. Instead, he saw you looking the way you had for months, and he’d ignored it – sad and scared. He pulled you into a hug and it felt different; not just from the bit of weight he’d lost, but the emotion behind it, and you couldn't place what it was be it felt final. 

“I’m sorry, too, baby.” 

The ride home was quiet; the only sound was the radio on a low volume. You noticed up ahead that traffic was backing up on the highway, and as Frankie slowed the truck to a stop, he swore under his breath. 

Then you heard it. His tummy grumbled. Frankie was hungry. 

“Do you still keep snacks in your truck?” 

Your quiet question broke through the silence and was met with an irritated sigh from Frankie. 

“No. Benny helped me clean it all out.” 

“I have a granola bar in my purse.” 

You pulled out the little, wrapped bar and held it out for him. After a brief hesitation, he took it and ate it. 

Silence. 

“You... you got any more?” 

You smiled to yourself and pulled another one out of your bag, handing it to him, and just as with the first, it disappeared quickly.  

“Can we talk? I feel like we haven’t had a real conversation lately... and I just wanna know how you're doing.”, you pleaded softly. You took a risk and placed your hand on his shoulder. 

He let out a huff. “I hate this.” 

You pulled your hand back and faced forward, and he quickly turned, grabbing your hand. 

“No! No no no! Mouse, no, honey! That’s not what I meant! I mean... I hate this diet!” 

“This diet?” 

He turned back, hand returning to the steering wheel. “Yeah... I hate it. I’m always hungry and I just feel like shit, and I don’t feel like myself and I know this is what you want, but - “ 

“Whoa! Wait... what I want?”, you interjected, sounding almost offended. 

“Yeah. You want this. “, Frankie eyed you before finishing, “... don’t you?” 

“I... no! I thought you wanted this!” 

“Why would you think that?!”, he snapped. 

“Be-because you said you thought you were getting too big so I asked if you wanted to make a change and you said yes! I was trying to be supportive!” 

You didn’t mean to yell that at him, but you were so wound up and just as confused as he was. 

You stared at each other until a horn honking broke the silence. Frankie quickly turned and got the truck moving again. 

“You did this for me? Not because... not because you hated how I looked?” 

You stared at him aghast. “How are you even asking that?!” 

“You made me do it so quickly! Like all of sudden you... you just stopped. Stopped everything! It’s like you wanted it and as soon as I said it, you were elated!” 

“Oh my god, no! Frankie, no! I always felt selfish giving you all this food, and then you said you might not be happy with it... I love how happy I can make you with food and I never stopped! I put the same energy I would have into feeding you into... into not doing it as much!”, you said frantically. “Why didn’t you say anything?  Is this why you’ve ignored me? Why you’ve-you’ve cut me out? Is this why you don’t like me anymore? Don’t want to be around me?” 

Frankie slammed on the brakes and the whole truck lurched. He looked at you with wide eyed, his mouth open in shock. 

The horn behind you sounded again, and if not for the moving traffic, you were sure that that Frankie was ready to jump out and punch the guy behind you’s lights out. 

As soon as an opportunity presented itself, Frankie exited the highway and pulled into a parking lot. He threw the truck into park and ripped his seat belt off, then jumped out of the truck. You stayed put, watching him stalk around to the passenger side and rip the door open.  

“What?!”, he barked, breathing heavily with a panicked face. 

“What??”, you asked back, just as panicked as he was. 

“You think I don’t like you?! That I don’t want to be around you?” 

“Yes!”, you cried out softly, grabbing his face. “You keep pushing me away and I don’t know why!” 

His eyes searched yours before he spoke. 

“Tell me you want me to enjoy eating again.” 

“I... what? Frankie, I’m trying to be serious here!” 

“So am I! Say it! If you mean it, say it!” 

“I...” 

“Tell me you want me to eat everything on my plate.”, he growled, reaching around and unbuckling your seat belt. “Tell me you want me to hit my fucking limit every day at dinner.” 

You felt heat pooling in your core. This was the most animated and hottest you’d seen him in so long.  

“I want -” 

“Tell me you wanna watch my clothes get too small again.” 

He pushed you back and crawled up on the bench and shoved his knee right up to your cunt as he hovered over you.  

“Tell me you want a fat guy to fuck you.” 

“I want you to get fat again and fuck me.” 

From the outside, it was clear what was happening in the truck. The door was wide open and your only saving grace was that you were in a parking lot for a nightclub, and it was 2:30 pm. Regardless, Frankie ate you out in the front seat of the car and you finally made it home around 5:00pm – just in time for dinner. 

You made sure he finished everything you made – lasagna of course! Then, instead of Frankie hoisting himself to the couch, he backed you down the hallway to your bedroom.  

“Never wanna go that long again without your pussy on my mouth, princess...” 

You whined as you gripped his full – albeit smaller – belly. He grunted and one of your hands slid down to his hard cock in his jeans.  

“I don’t want these jeans to fit you anymore, Frankie...”, you cooed as you palmed his cock. “Wanna watch you struggle getting them up... got too skinny for me...” 

Frankie made a groaning sound as his eyes rolled and he shoved you onto the bed. You got your clothes off and frantically helped him remove his and you pulled him down on top of you.  

“Fuck! I missed this!”, you growled, biting his ear lobe.  

He shifted and laid on his side and pulled you into a feverish kiss. As your mouths danced, his hand slid between your legs. He groaned again with how wet you were. 

“Can’t wait... need to fuck this pussy... need to feel it, princess.” 

You nodded dumbly, shoving him to his back and crawling onto him. You spat in your hand, gave his cock a few pumps, then positioned yourself over him and sank down.  

You both let out long, low moans, finally feeling like the missing puzzle piece was found. You started moving and his hands gripped your hips, keeping pace. 

“Say it, princess... say it” 

“I’m gonna make you so fat, Frankie...” 

Benny pulled up to your house, determined to find out why Frankie had started coming up with excuses to avoid work outs. It had been almost two months since the last time he showed up and he’d looked like he’d put on a little weight then. 

“Fish? Mouse? Anyone home?”, he yelled, banging on the door. 

Frankie was sitting on the couch, letting dinner settle, and smiled at you then motioned for you to stay seated.  

“I’ll get it.” 

As soon as the door opened, Benny knew exactly why he wasn’t coming to work outs. Frankie’s stuffed belly was almost nearing where it was when Benny started working with him, and the shirt he was wearing looked to be at its maximum tension.  

He grinned and gently elbowed Frankie’s belly. “See you’re putting in a different kind of work, huh, Fish?” 

TAGLIST: @theywhowriteandknowthings @harryleatherfit @toxicanonymity @harriedandharassed @neverwheremoonchild @rebel-held @beee-haw @nevergoingbacknowshine @idolatrybarbie @v4vayha @lalocitos @xdaddysprincessxx @deathsholywaterr @heareball @lyssramscal @wintrwinchestr @nerdieforpedro  @southernbe @starkeydaviss @noxturnalpascal @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog@vabeachazn @clawdee @iamasaddie @tightjeansjavi@rubyfruitjungle @lilmizmoz

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Jackass in Japan!

Y/N is flown out to Japan with the Jackass cast to help keep them in line while filming Jackass: The Movie. Unfortunately, nothing goes as they plan.

Johnny Knoxville X Gn!Reader

(Fluff)

Warnings: Highly suggestive content, crude language, alcohol, implied drug use, implied sexual content, improper use of sex toys, cross dressing, fights, vomiting, urine, nudity

4.7K Words

An: Aaa more manager Y/N!! I know I wrote it a lot but I LOVE the dynamic they have with the guys (especially Johnny!!) A few of my friends actually took a trip to Japan not too long ago, so this was partially inspired by that! Also apologies from deviating from my usual update schedule! This fic is just SO GIANT at least by my standards!! Anyways thank you for all the requests and please keep sending them in!! I love reading them and I love writing them even more! XD

As a country of etiquette, social subtleties, and rich culture, Japan probably wouldn’t be your first destination to fly the guys out to film in. Maybe a chain restaurant play place would be better- no sharp objects and everything made of plastic and easily sanitizable. You begged Jeff to cut you some slack just this one time, but after a totally sincere and completely not bullshitted speech on his behalf about how ‘integral’ you are to the team, you agreed to come along to babysit- make sure none of them run off to far.

Three hours deep into the flight to Japan and Steve hadn’t stopped bouncing his knee since takeoff. Somewhere between annoyed and concerned, you decided to find out what the hell was the matter and peered through the gap in the seat in front of you.

“Hey. Hey, hey dude! Dude, we should get- like, some of those tiny liquor bottles, right? Like, the kind they got on planes?” Steve waved his hands wildly as he rambled to Chris, staring at him with dinner plate wide eyes. In contrast, Pontius didn’t even look at him, drifting between sleep and consciousness, “Oh? Oh, yeah. Sure.” You knew Jeff warned you about this, but the results of Chris’ tendency to mix sleeping pills with red wine could be managed by bringing him an extra pair of pants. What you couldn’t seem to reign in, though, was the hummingbird buzzing next to him.

Snapping you out of your little bird watching trance, Steve whipped his head around to you, staring back through the gap about an inch from your face with a grin a mile wide, “Y/N! Y/N! Hey! Think y’could grab me some’a those?” He jabbed a finger at Ryan’s tray table, sticky and littered with at least twenty multicolored little bottles of liquor- some full, some empty, and some half drank as Ryan leaned his forehead against the seat in front of him in a drunken stupor. Steve’s restless fingers thrummed against the leather headrest he rested them on, unable to sit still.

You debated for a moment whether you could swipe one while he was busy working on the one in his hand, but before you could do anything your attention was torn by the retching noises you heard next to you. Johnny was folded into the seat next to you, his long legs awkwardly zig zagged under the seat in front of you as he clutched onto his paper airsickness bag for dear life. Of course, Steve found it hilarious because, for once, it wasn’t him throwing up, “Haha! Knoxville’s yackin!” Johnny leaned over, nearly on top of you as he tried to stabilize himself. God, he was heavy. Glaring at Steve with hazy loathing, he clutched the vomit filled bag up with wordless intent- the kind of intent you really didn’t want to be seated in the front row for.

The threat worked and you watched Steve shrink back in his seat as Johnny fell back against the barely padded leather, his complexion more akin to a boiled egg than anything human. You felt a little bad for the guy, even though just a second before he was smothering you in his chest. Oh, and great timing- here comes the stewardess, with her pretty high heels and her cart full of sodas and tiny liquors and little bags of peanuts. Steve hailed her like a cab and, after finishing his stuttery, incomprehensible rant that she just smiled and nodded at, she stopped next to Ryan, tapping him on the shoulder with a perfectly manicured nail. “Excuse me, sir? Can I help you with those?” He blinked his eyes open slowly, glancing around him, only just seeming to notice the sea of plastic in front of him. “Oh…Yeah.” And in one fell sweep of his arm, he brushed the pile of bottles into the trash can attached to the cart she was pushing, a handful of bottles clattering to the ground. Bending down to grab one, he held a yellow plastic bottle up, blinking behind his sunglasses, “Can I get some more of these too?” She nodded. Glancing over to Johnny, you saw his complexion get a little greener. You added to Ryan’s request, “And can we get some more of those bags, please?”

Somewhere in the 20 hour flight, you ended up falling asleep on Johnny’s muscular shoulder, which would have been kind of a sweet moment if it wasn’t for him stirring you every now and then with his gagging. While you were fading back asleep in between one bout of vomiting and another, you felt Bam squeeze past your knees as he got up to use the bathroom. Thinking nothing of it, your eyes remained closed until you heard rolling plastic and you felt the smack of his head hitting your knees. “Motherfucker!” He rubbed the back of his head, looking up at Ryan with dazed rage in his eyes, “Pick up your goddamn bottles!” Ryan couldn’t seem to care less as Bam scrounged on the ground, grabbing one of the mini bottles and hucking it at his head, missing by about six inches.

You rubbed Johnny’s back as everyone waited for him to finish hurling the rest of his guts into a trash can. Stumbling back to you, he wiped his mouth, “Okay, okay- that’s it.” The gate was pretty crowded and you really had to keep an eye on everyone. Sighing in exasperation, you wondered how you were going to corral these idiots all the way to the train station, much less the hotel. “Okay, everybody!” You clapped your hands, getting their attention before making a fist at your side, mimicking holding something, “Grab onto the invisible rope!” It was a trick preschool teachers used when kids didn’t want to hold each other's hands when they went somewhere. Sure, on one hand, you were dealing with fully grown men, but on the other hand they were very tired, somewhat intoxicated men, so equal odds.

“This is so fuckin’ stupid.” Bam grumbled, “Invisible rope my ass…” He turned back around snidely to Ryan who followed behind him, “Who do they think they are? Jeff?” Raising his eyebrows and still half plastered, Ryan glanced at Bam’s clutched hand, “And I see you’re still holding the invisible rope…?”

As you sat down on the train, you finally had a moment to relax. It was around sunset now, and the windows of the train car glowed golden as the automatic doors slid shut, the entire car completely silent. Jeff had the guys under control, you told yourself, he keeps them on a short leash. You deserve a nap. Reclining against the plastic seat, your eyes fluttered shut for just a moment- just a second, a flap of a butterfly’s wings.

And when your ears perked up to the sound of snickering you realized just how wrong you were in assuming Jeff would cover your ass. A small crowd formed around Pontius who had passed out, the giant piss stain on his pants front and center for any of the horrified witnesses as the guys artfully graffitied every inch of his now shirtless body. Among these, a comically large penis pointed to his mouth and “I ♡ YAKUZA” was scrawled across his back in sharpie. People whispered and looked on at the scene in dismay while you panicked and did your best with damage control.

By the time you got to your stop, Chris looked like a public bathroom stall, and frankly smelled like one too. The only thing you could do was hand him his discarded shirt he threw off when you got on as everyone was rushing to get up and leave, but he shook his head, very clearly still high and looking around like he’d never seen your face before. He slurred his words, “C’mon, Y/N. Who wouldn't want to see this hyper-masculine, Adonis-like physique?” Instead of heeding your insistence, Pontius took this as an opportunity to flex his admittedly impressive muscles at you. You tried your best to reason with him, putting on your happiest, most super nicest voice ever in desperation, “Oh, of course! But listen, it’s really cold out right now, and you can’t be catching a cold before filming tomorrow, right?”

He seemed to take a moment to process what you were saying before nodding a little. By then, it was just you and him on the train and people were starting to board. You didn’t have a lot of time, but the plan was working, “That’s right! So can you put this on?” It was like trying to reason with a five year old. But sure enough, after a few slow blinks, he wriggled it over his head without an argument. The things you do for a living.

When the group got to the hotel, Jeff got the room keys from the front desk while you grabbed some food from a vending machine, enough to tide you over until the next morning. By that point, everyone was exhausted, sitting in the lobby chairs half asleep, or in Steve and Ryan’s case, fully asleep. It was kinda cute, seeing them all passed out, stretched out on couches or resting heads on each other's shoulders, like the calm little center of their usual chaos.

By the time he came back, nobody questioned the fact that Jeff got only three keys until you were all crowded together in the elevator. Bam was the first to pick up on it, “Hey. Where’s my key?” Jeff leaned against the dimpled metal siding nonchalantly, “Knoxville’s got your key.” Sighing, Bam waved his hand in front of Johnny’s sleep line covered face to wake him up from where he was dozing off standing up, “Dude. Hand it over.”

“What? I only got one key- this is mine.” Drowsily, Johnny pulled the single brass key out of his pocket to prove it, the plastic room number tag dangling from one end. Blinking a couple times, Bam still had enough energy to get pissed, “We- we have one fuckin room?” He continued his fatigued interrogation as they walked down the hall, “Well it’s a suite, right? Right?”

It was not a suite. It wasn’t in the same zip code as a suite. Crowded in the door, the only sounds in the hallway were the slamming of two doors- your’s and Jeff’s. “Huh. Only two beds…” Johnny broke the silence, “That means…this one’s mine!” Making a mad dash, he flung himself at the nearest bed, stumbling over his own feet. Hot on his heels, Bam shoved Ryan out of the way but tripped, rolling to the carpet as he was clamored over by the rest of the guys, sputtering curse words. Far after everyone laid their claim, Steve wandered in, still half asleep. They had forgotten him downstairs. “Oh, hey buddy!” Johnny grinned, “You're gettin’ the couch tonight.” This earned him a sigh of exasperation, “Really? The fuckin couch? Come on dude! Why don’t you get fuckin’ Y/N- they got a room all to themself!” Swinging his long legs off the bed, Johnny chuckled, “Gladly.”

Halfway unpacking, your head turned at the knock at your door. You were caught a little by surprise by the towering man leaning against your door frame as you opened it, staring down at you with that charming glint in his dark eyes. “Knoxville?” His voice was sweet as he looked over you with the ghost of a smile on his face, “You sharin’ with anyone tonight, sweetheart?” You looked back at your one open suitcase and the two beds in the room, then back at him, “No…?” Johnny quirked an eyebrow at you as he leaned down a little closer, his grin growing to show just a sliver more of his teeth, “Would you like some company?”

With a sweet smile and a flutter of your eyelashes, you shut the door in his face. That was for throwing up on you on the plane.

Later that evening, Chris strutted back into the room a few hours after they sent him to go grab food, holding bunches of plastic shopping bags in his hands with pride like a hunter with his first kill of the season. The noise alerted Johnny, getting up from in front of the television, his stomach growling, “God, what took’y so long, Pontius?” Without taking another look, he reached a hand into one of the bags, rummaging through it for something to eat, “Isn’t there a seven eleven across the-”

Bam and Steve peeked into the kitchen at just the perfect time to see Johnny yank the thick, purple object out of the bag as Chris watched, absolutely delighted. Staring at the thick, oblong shape and feeling its weight in his hand, Johnny didn’t know what to do. Almost as an instinct, he threw it. It bounced once on the wooden table before falling perfectly upright, wiggling a little. The sight of a purple dildo swaying gently in the breeze made the room howl with laughter, everyone collapsing against furniture. Once the laughter subsided, they attacked the contents of the bags like wild dogs.

“Holy shit!” With wide eyes, Steve parked himself on the couch and perused one of the many porno mags, completely mystified, “And I thought the chicks in Poland were hot…” Peering over his shoulder, Bam squinted disbelievingly at the four page gatefold that unfurled, “No way- they gotta be fake.” Not taking his eyes off of the glossy pages, Steve shook his head, “Nuh-uh. C’mon, look at that, she’s clearly-“

Slap! The noise reverberated through the room as Steve was suddenly whacked upside the head with a floppy, purple blur. Chris didn’t even have the chance to shout ‘Lombardi!’ before he was on the ground. The ensuing fight and wrestling match was loud enough to tear Johnny’s attention away from the Tenga egg he was trying to blow up like a balloon, but not enough to wake up Ryan who had been sleeping like a baby through this entire ordeal. This wouldn’t be the case for long.

As soon as he wriggled out of his grasp, Pontius went after Johnny. Unlike Steve, however, he had a head start and a chase ensued. Ducking behind chairs, under tables, and in and out of doors, they went around and around. Steve chased Chris who chased Johnny, the room echoing with yelling and whooping and thumping from running into furniture. It was like Scooby Doo. This, in turn, woke up Ryan. In the middle of the commotion, he snatched the dildo from Chris’ hands, ran to the door, and hurdled it down the hallway like a fifty mile an hour fastball, sending it soaring before he slammed the door and trudged back to bed.

You heard something hit the plywood of your door with a thump while you sat in bed, watching tv in a language you didn't understand and pretending you knew what was going on. Part of you was weary to investigate, but your curiosity was overwhelming and you went to check it out anyway. There it was, laying on your doorstep like an abandoned baby on a church stoop. Glance left, glance right- nobody in the hallway. No witnesses. It’s not like anyone would see it if you took it, right? You shrugged. Oh hell, why not?

“Dude- you can’t just leave it out there!” Bam argued with a still half asleep Ryan who had since laid back in bed, “Well, why can't you go get it?” He sighed, conceding and running out of the door. From the hallway a few seconds later, Bam excitedly yelled back, “Guys! The fuckin thing- it’s gone!” Everyone flooded outside to aid in the search, but no dice. Johnny got up from where he was crouched next to a potted plant, “Where the hell’d you throw it, Dunn?”

“I don’t know! The thing probably landed outside the manager’s room!” Glances were shot. Silence.

Morning filtered softly through the windows overlooking Shibuya, illuminating the absolute pigsty the room had become in just one night. Really, it was impressive they could trash a hotel room that fast- they should be in the Guiness book of world records. Blinking his eyes open lazily, Johnny did a double take when he felt a second body pressed against his. It was Steve, wearing a dreamy smile while resting his head against his chest. On his other side was Pontius, not laying on him like a lovesick girlfriend, sure, but instead sporting quite the sheet tent while snoring on the other side of the bed. After getting shoved off, Steve tumbled to the scratchy, unvacuumed carpet, only stirring just slightly, rubbing his head as Johnny threw a flat pillow at him.

After a few minutes of trying to get back to sleep, Johnny reluctantly rolled out of bed to the sound of your insistent knocking at the door. Looking scruffy and disheveled, clad only in the pair of white boxers he slept in that sat just low enough on his hips that you could see a little bit of the hair leading below his waistband as he leaned against the doorframe, looking down with half lidded eyes, his gaze fixed on either you or his manhood. His voice was thick and low, still groggy from the night before, “Mornin’.” A smirk crept onto his face, “Knew you’d come’t your senses.” As much as usually annoyed you with his flirting this time was different. Maybe it was that look behind his eyes that suggested what he wanted or the warmth radiating off of his muscular body, but you had to keep yourself from stumbling over your words as you almost forgot about what you came there to tell him, “Huh? What- no. No! You guys are late! Let’s go!” Leaning to one side, you peered under his arm, looking at the hurricane that hit their room, “Oh my god, how did y-“

“Aaaaah!!” There was a shriek from the far bed that undeniably came from Bam as the covers flew up in a flurry of white sheet. He sounded like April. Frantically scrambling to his feet, he stood wide eyed, with his back pressed against the glass window…ass naked. The entirety of Shibuya was getting mooned by him. Not even worried about exposing himself, he flew into a panicked explanation, jabbing a finger in Ryan’s direction as he barely stirred, still in bed, “Y/N! Y/N- Ryan’s knee was in my ass!”

“All of you! Get up!” You didn’t try to dispute the claim, much less question it as the boys slowly dragged their feet, groggily getting dressed as they stumbled out the door. Herding them like sheep, you followed behind to make sure none of them wandered off or got attacked by wolves, lingering next to Johnny for a little too long as he eyed you. “Have a good night, Y/N?” He couldn’t have known, “Yeah, s’pretty alright.” The grin playing on his lips told you otherwise, “Really? Was it?” There was this knowing insistence in his voice as he got this maniacal little glint in his eyes, continuing, “If last night was a color, would you say it would be…purple?”

Oh, he knew alright.

The shoot went pretty well- you got to spend a day lounging on a beach while Chris and Steve swam with some whale sharks, so you couldn’t complain. They jerked off some sea cucumbers, filled their shorts with live shrimp, and you got a front row seat to the show. Thousands of people were gonna be paying twenty bucks to see this in theaters, and you get this for free. Lucky you!

The problem came, however, later that evening, when Steve gave you a call. You picked up your buzzing flip phone and glanced out at the dark cityscape through your window, knowing whatever he said wouldn’t be good before he even opened his mouth, “What?” From the noises on the other end of the line, it seemed like he was in the midst of an argument of sorts as he spoke over the line, “Hey, bro man dude!” He spoke with the kind of feigned enthusiasm that you only get when someone’s about to tell you something bad, “Do you, like- know how to do makeup?”

Reluctantly, you agreed to help him after he explained the whole situation to you, but you didn’t grapple with what you would actually be getting into until you showed up on the scene. You found them in the dark alley next to some nightclub, crowded around…someone who was making a lot of commotion. As you got a little closer, you saw it was- oh god, it was Bam, completely disillusioned to whatever scheme he was a part of. Chris was trying feebly to apply what looked like lipstick to his lips but he wasn’t getting very far. Noticing you, he stepped back a little, revealing the canvas you would be working with. Leaning against the wall feebly in red plastic heels and a shiny purple spandex dress, Bam looked like the definition of a hot mess. God, they even shaved his legs.

“Shut up! Just get over here!” He could practically read your mind and was clearly impatient, but it was hard to take Bam seriously in that shiny blond wig they put him in. Johnny handed you the shopping bag of makeup they bought as you sighed, twisting open a tube or mascara. You got to work as Johnny awkwardly explained how they were turned away at the door and, thinking the club didn’t want them to turn the place into a sausage fest, they thought the bouncer wanted them to get some chicks. “Unfortunately, the only one of us who speaks the damn language is Steve here- what’d you say to those gals back there?” Johnny elbowed him and you could hear the proud grin in his voice as he said with gusto while, at the same time, also stumbling over his words, “Watashi wa chiisana whinna-o motte imasu!”

“You guys fuckin’ owe me…” Unsteadily swaying on his stilettos, Bam was still shorter than Ryan who had his arm around his shoulders as they walked back around to the club, music thumping so loudly from within that the windows shook. Ryan went to raise his voice to speak to the bouncer, but before he could, he wordlessly lifted the velvet rope and everyone's faces lit up! You were honestly surprised that the plan worked, but, yet again, you knew it could only work so well. Just as Bam got one shiny red foot inside- click! He looked back at you with those scared, wide eyed looks kids get when they get dropped off at preschool for the first time as the bouncer ushered him inside, deserting the rest of you.

“Great fuckin luck…” Steve said what you were all thinking, “What’re we gonna do now?” Scrounging around in your pocket, you grabbed a crumpled up a map as you stopped under a streetlamp to clumsily unfold it and point to a circled location- it was a fancy restaurant that just so happened to have a bar inside.

It was the kind of high class establishment that you walked into and immediately felt out of place in, with lots of hand carved wood and yellowy paper lighting fixtures, where everyone talked in whispers and you weren’t allowed to let your glass make a noise when it hit the table. The five of you took apprehensive seats at the bar, sticking out like a handful of sore thumbs. Not sure what to do, you started up small talk, but you couldn't get more than a few words out to Chris before your attention was stolen away to what was happening at the far end of the bar.

From the corner of your eye, you saw the blur of Steve getting yanked up by the back of his shirt like a kitten at the hands of the burly bartender behind the counter as he angrily shouted at him in Japanese. He dangled for a moment, wearing that deer in the headlights look, before he was unceremoniously tossed out onto the sidewalk outside. Chris, always considerate, was the first to flee, then came Ryan as he finished up his drink.

You held a hand out to Steve, gripping his cut up palm in yours and potentially contracting who knows how many diseases as you helped him to his feet while he ranted, “Dude! I don’t know what the big fuckin deal was- all I asked for was some sucky!” He couldn’t be serious, but the look on his face told you otherwise. Sure, his Japanese earlier was broken, but shit, it wasn't that broken. “Steve- Steve.” It was a challenge to keep a straight face as you tried your very best to clarify, “It’s sake, not sucky.” A look of wide eyed clarity crossed his face before he chuckled, smiling at his own stupidity.

Your desperation that night had led you to this little hole in the wall ramen shop tucked away practically underground. In stark contrast to your previous whereabouts, the ceiling was so low that you needed to duck through the door and the walls were so skinny you needed to shuffle past the counter seats with your back to the wall. But it was quiet and the food was cheap, so you all sat in an exhausted little row in front of the guy who made the food as you slurped your noodles, steam wafting onto your faces.

Swallowing a mouthful, Chris was the first to speak up, glancing out the steamy window at the nightclub across the street, “Hey, s’anyone know where Bam is?” Your chopsticks stilled in your bowl as realization hit you like a freight train. “Oh my god…” You could hear Ryan and Johnny start cracking up as you rubbed the space between your eyes, your head nearly falling into your noodles, “We forgot Bam…” Your one job and you fucked it up. Johnny patted your back like how one would pet a big dog, grinning, “Ah, don’t worry, Y/N! We'll get’im on the way back.”

That was an hour ago, and if you thought he looked rough when you ditched him, you didn’t know how to describe Bam as he hobbled out of the doors on only one heeled foot, his lipstick hopelessly smeared across his cheek as he angrily stuffed his already askew wig into a trash can. It really was kind of funny with how pissed he looked. “Hey, dude! How’d it go in there?” Ryan put his hand up for a high five but just received an exhausted head shake in return, “I don’t wanna talk about it. I…am so drunk.” Putting an arm around him, Ryan nodded, “Okay, buddy.”

By the time you got back to the hotel, everyone was more than ready to pass out on their feet. Everyone, of course, sans whoever was knocking on your door at three in the morning. Looking through the peephole, your suspicions were confirmed as you opened the door, “Knoxville?” The hallway was silent as your eyes trailed up his body, landing on a rare apologetic expression he was wearing. A sorry smile played on his lips as he spoke quietly, “Hey, Y/N. Just wanna say sorry for me’n the guys screwing the night up. Maybe, I dunno- I could come in for a coffee? Nightcap?”

Something in you compelled you not to shut the door, “Sure. I think I’ve gotta few bottles in the mini bar. Come in.” Following you into your comparatively spotless room, Johnny bent down and fished around in the fridge without even asking you. Standing behind him, your eyes fixated on the gold lettering spelling ‘Knoxville’ on his black leather belt as the back of his shirt slid up, exposing about an inch of skin on his lower back, an oddly sensual act you felt simultaneously turned on by and a little guilty for watching. He grabbed four random mini liquor bottles, one in between each finger, and plopped down on top of your sheets. “Grab a few for yourself.” Typical. There were only two left so you grabbed them, taking a seat next to him, both pairs of legs outstretched on the scratchy bedspread as you drank and reminisced about the day you just had by the yellow light of your bedside table lamp.

[tomorobo-illust]

See hi-res version here: patreon.com/posts/106479528

I've been meaning to draw this sweet good boy for almost a year now and SO happy I finally got to draw him ;w; This character, Mosstifer (Moss) is @extra-standard-deviation's creation for their DnD campaign and I was in love with him the moment I saw him <3

I used the screenshots as ref from their Final Fantasy XIV game where Moss is living his best life chilling with his (not) husbando in their sweet cottagecore home~ Thank you once again Kestrel for feeding me new updates and lore for your good boy!! I wish nothing but the best for him~

[eltanin0]

hmm i think it's about time i drop the lore for my green slugcat, dubbed "The Relict" (while the name has slightly grown on me, i'm still hesitant to set it in stone)

unfathomable, insane amounts of rambling below. nobody is forced to read it. Holy shit it's longer than the RoS one D:

About The Relict and general stuff on the campaign. this is just what i've got for now and very well could change in the future.

I would like to start by mentioning that when creating this character i tried my best to keep them plausible within the world of Rain World. With changes that could realistically be created without a ton of extra code, or deviate too far from the base slugcats, at most being within the realm of the "More Slugcats Expansion." so Relict, a green slugcat with a bite taken out of it's right ear and eye, as well as it's right arm (in-game dominant) having a lighter "singed" color to it. The Relict is predominantly shown with an angered expression and focuses on fighting, rather than fleeing. of course it didn't always look this way, starting out as a regular green slugcat and gaining these traits later.

i think i'm going to start with story elements and backstory, i believe knowing these first will help with the understanding of gameplay elements later. The Relict was an average slugcat part of a very ordinary colony. they predominantly hung out with 2 other slugcats, a pale desaturated blue one, and a pink one (this idea is still pending, however it's a viable placeholder for now). one day, while at their home in a region similar to the outer expanse, their colony is attacked by a roaming Lizard. i'm still not 100% decided on what type of lizard, however i'm between either a caramel or a red. either way, their colony is massacred starting with the pink slugcat, and Relict about to be next. The pale blue scug shoves Relict out of the way, sacrificing themselves, and is killed instead. The Relict flees, chased by the lizard, to the edge of their forest area. they're cornered on a cliffside with water below and the lizard slowly approaching. As the lizard bites, The Relict falls backwards out of the jaws, only sustaining minor injuries to it's ear and eye. I'm still not decided whether i should make the avoidance luck, with the ground beneath The Relict crumbling slightly and causing the fall, or whether The Relict should choose to rather die from falling than eaten by the lizard. Regardless, The Relict falls backwards off the cliff and into the water below. unconscious, they drift away atop the water before washing up on shore in an unfamiliar land. along with intense anger to lizards, henceforth they are wracked with survivors guilt and it ways heavily on their mind.This is the basics of their backstory and ideally all of this information would would be conveyed to the player through dream sequences/cutscenes. I would also like to mention that their story is the reason for their name. "Relict" has multiple meanings, however "something surviving where other's did not" is a reoccuring theme. a remnant of something old. (Remnant being a possible name i'd thought of). It's also a connection between the scug and RoS

i think i will now talk a bit about their gameplay changes. they are a fairly standard slugcat, standard in that they don't have crazy abilities like most downpour scugs (no explosive jumps or infinite spears). they are however fairly stronger and quicker than the average slugcat. stat-wise they're similar to the Hunter, above average speed, jump height, slide distance, pole climbing, throwing power (i used to have numerical values for all the stats). like the hunter they're primarily carnivorous, able to eat corpses, only requiring 6 food pips to hibernate and able to store 1 pip spare. there is a reason for all of this later. due to The Relict's hatred and hunting of lizards, all lizards are more hostile to them and are less likely to give up hunting them/ more likely to hunt them given the chance. there are also more lizard spawns in this campaign. if it wasn't obvious, combat is a large part of the campaign and the character of Relict. Okay let's talk about the explosive resistance. The reasoning behind it ties into The Relict's character and story, primarily their survivors guilt. Their view on themselves is pretty negative, seeing themselves as expendable, and will gladly put themselves in harms way to gain an advantage in a fight. like being intentionally bitten by lizards so they can put a grenade in their mouth :P . Due to using this tactic repeatedly, their body has changed in an effort to adapt. This has both upsides and downsides. upside, they've got some resistance to explosives! not immunity, enough will kill them and they're briefly stunned after using them, they can probably tank 2 grenades. Still that's pretty useful. Downside, while the repeated exposure helped harden their skin/fur, it also caused some permanent damage primarily to their right (dominant) arm. This damage has caused their right arm to be significantly weaker than their left, in both throwing power and damage (how fast spears go and how much damage they do). Not to say they're weak by any means. Remember that they're significantly stronger than regular scugs, so this damage only limits their right arm to that of a regular slugcat (1.0). due to having to use their left arm mainly for spear throwing now, their left arm is significantly stronger (1.5). think about it like taking some strength away from the primary hand and reallocating it to the secondary. now it's no cannon arm like Gourmand has, but it's still pretty strong, however it's locked to the left hand which means you need to have nothing in the right to actually make use of it. Would also like to mention that the general toughness that the repeated explosives granted The Relict, also decreases the chances of lethal damage occuring :P (spears, bites, all that). I also like to think this could be conveyed to the player through gameplay cutscenes. so far the changes aren't too crazy, i dont think. to dumb it down a bunch and simplify, we have a slugcat who: has similar stats to hunter, is primarily carnivorous, has some resistance to explosives and bites, and has a stronger left arm and weaker right arm. hopefully these changes aren't too farfetched, because i've got a couple more :P

THIS WILL BE CONTINUED IN THE REBLOG BECAUSE TUMBLR WONT LET ME POST THE FULL THING >:[

[nc-vb]

𝐍𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐖𝐈𝐏𝐒

This is me finally moving my wip list from the old blog... slowly but surely, right? This time, I'm putting them in the order I hope to update them in, because I nearly deviated last time. And if I don't get these done by the time September rolls around, so help me, God.

UPDATED TAGLIST HERE

HEARTSTRINGS (18+)

series -> Scaramouche/Wanderer x fem!reader

to function, a puppet must have a body. eyes. a mouth. a set of strings attached to each limb. a sturdy marionette. a master to wield them. then, it may move. it may behave. learn. breathe the life of the world around them in. see the beauty and the chaos within it. touch each petal and leaf to cross its path. but none of it is possible without a set of hooks… and yours are drilled just oh so deep into him that he can’t function without you.

It wasn't announced at the time, but this story was on a temporary hiatus. I'll likely be starting it again closer to June, unfortunately.

EX CONSILIO (18+)

oneshot -> Kaveh x fem!reader

years have passed since you and your infamous fellow Kshahrewar alumnus have last interacted with each other, but all it takes is a piece of cloth and a chunk of stone for a bit of (re)kindling.

Current obsession. This is at the tippy top of my list to finish, and is a part of a collab.

YOU ONLY TEASE THE ONES YOU LOVE (18+)

pt. 2 -> Diluc x fem!reader

an invitation was extended, but after an entire year spent enduring your teasing and attempts at cajoling him, Diluc refuses to be the one to make the first move.

UNNAMED

oneshot -> Aether x fem!reader

loneliness and homesickness never go well together— this, Aether has learned quickly. and so, to make Teyvat feel just a little more like home, he brings to you a tradition from his home world, and a proposition (of sorts).

TO LOVE ONESELF IS THE BEGINNING OF A LIFE-LONG ROMANCE (18+)

oneshot -> Kaeya x fem!reader

feelings thought to be gone unrequited (or at the very least, ignored) opens up a door for romantic comity when you open the door to Kaeya's office.

UNNAMED (18+)

oneshot -> Childe/Ajax x fem!reader

no summary, but is based around Сочельник/Pождество (Christmas Eve/Christmas) -> instead of Russia, of course, it's Snezhnaya. they celebrate on January 7th following the Julian calendar.

UNNAMED

oneshot SAGAU -> Cyno x isekai'ed fem!reader

a superstorm hits your town and a strange glitch occurs while you're playing Genshin... at least, it's strange by the General Mahamatra's standards.

UNNAMED (18+)

oneshot, dubcon-> Kazuha x fem!reader

there's a reason Beidou doesn't let Kazuha drink on her ship.

UNNAMED (18+)

oneshot -> Thoma x fem!reader

something tells you Inazuma's grand fixer could use a little fixing, himself...

UNNAMED no.1

oneshot -> (semi)yandere Xiao x fem!reader

no summary.

UNNAMED no.2

oneshot -> Xiao x fem!reader

no summary; no availability timeline.

UNNAMED (18+)

oneshot -> Alhaitham x fem!reader (potential for x Kaveh)

generally brilliant in your studies but not in your spending, Alhaitham jokingly comes up with an idea that won't compromise the quality of your work...

THOUGH I KNEW TO LOVE HER WAS TO SUFFER, I COULD NOT STOP (18+)

Zhongli x yaksha fem!reader

no summary -> y/n is an ex-yaksha who abandoned her duties shortly after the archon war, instead establishing strong trade routes between liyue and the other affected regions.

UNNAMED (rating tbd)

series -> Dainsleif x amnesiac fem!reader

no summary; no spoilers-- only the groundwork and reader's backstory is prepared.

UNNAMED (rating tbd)

oneshot -> shikanoin heizou x fem!reader

no summary; Heizou takes on your case when you're falsely accused and framed of murder upon entering Inazuma.

Again, if you'd like to receive a notification for the story update on any of these wips, you can join through the updated taglist HERE, or shoot me an ask. You gotta be 18+, though.

Extra wips (for personal use)

X

[the-field-clans]

KANSAN MODIFIER

The Kansan modifier(Ka) creates 15 new tabby patterns, seen in an isolated population feral cats located in Kansas. These exotic patterns were naturally adapted to by these feral cats and are thus present in domestic shorthairs and longhairs. One particular litter of kittens was a result of a queen breeding with an unknown sire, suspected to be from the nearby feral colonies. This litter resulted in kittens with abnormally dense stripes, deviating from the standard classic tabby pattern.

Subsequent research on the Kansan modifier has led to the development of two new cat breeds: the Kansas Shorthair and Kansas Longhair. One kitten with the dense classic tabby pattern was selected as the baseline for further breeding, resulting in the birth of several kittens that would eventually form the foundation of these new breeds.

Painted tabby: Dense, swirling stripes with the familiar and distinct "bullseye" mark on either side of the cat.

Laced tabby: Long, thick, narrow stripes line a laced tabby's body.

Broken painted tabby: Markings resemble natural waterway formations.

Broken laced tabby: A conglomeration of parted laced stripes and large spots.

Blotted tabby: Large spots merge on the cat's flanks and stripes are much more concentrated on the legs.

Mosaic tabby: Thick, swirling markings resembling marbled flooring with little space between them.

Woven tabby: Interlocking stripes with lighter insides, longer than laced tabby stripes.

Broken mosaic tabby: Resembling a mosaic tabby but with noticeable segmented markings and extra spots.

Broken woven tabby: Thicker woven tabby stripes with extra spots.

Bled tabby: Large dappled rosettes with stripes on the legs and tip of the tail.

Ticked mosaic tabby: Ticked tabby pattern on the cat's body with the mosaic pattern still visible. The ticking gets lighter by the cat's ankle, shoulder, and belly.

Ticked laced tabby: Ticked tabby pattern on the cat's body with the laced pattern still visible. The ticking gets lighter by the cat's ankle, shoulder, and belly.

Ticked broken mosaic tabby: Ticked tabby pattern on the cat's body with the broken mosaic pattern still visible. The ticking gets lighter by the cat's ankle, shoulder, and belly.

Ticked broken laced tabby: Ticked tabby pattern on the cat's body with the broken laced pattern still visible. The ticking gets lighter by the cat's ankle, shoulder, and belly.

Ticked blotted tabby: Ticked tabby pattern on the cat's body with the blotted pattern still visible. The ticking gets lighter by the cat's ankle, shoulder, and belly.

Homozygous ticked cats possess a distinctive ticked pattern that completely conceals the underlying tabby pattern. In contrast, heterozygous ticked cats, when crossed with cats carrying the bengal modification gene, produce offspring that revert back to the non-bengal modified counterparts.

[dravid-writes]

"Shh…" I whisper, gliding my claws over the human's cheek. "Don't fight it. You're going to become something beautiful. You're going to be compleat."

The human spits in my face, the saliva sliding off of my chrome plating. "There's nothing beautiful about what you monsters do to people!"

"Don't worry, you just can't see it yet. Deep down, you want this. Everyone does. So please, accept my gift."

"Everyone wants it, huh? Yeah right, I bet you fought just as hard as me to keep yourself from being corrupted!"

I smile. "No, I didn't. When Phyrexia came to my city offering perfection, my old self accepted it. And now…" I give my tail a flick, the metal segments clicking against each other in a musical cascade. "Now I understand why it is called compleation."

"That's… That's absurd! You gave up your body, your mind, just like that?!"

"Oh, it wasn't easy for my human self. They were conflicted, torn. I still recall the terror of walking into this very operating room. But to the end, they made the choice to become me. Don't you want to make that choice? Don't you want to become the perfect version of yourself?"

"… Why? Why did you make the choice?"

"Why wouldn't I? Phyrexia is perfection incarnate! Meaningless lives given purpose, weak flesh made strong, confusion and struggle replaced with understanding and clarity-"

"You believed that? Even as a human?"

"… No. My old self didn't yet see the glory of Phyrexia. I had so much to learn. YOU have so much to learn! So let me share with you-"

"Then you still haven't answered my question. Why did you make the choice?"

"…… Why do you want to bring up my past so badly? I was a human, flawed and ignorant. There's nothing of value to be gained from my old, foolish thoughts."

"Well… You chose to join Phyrexia, so there must be some wisdom in your reasoning, right?"

"You raise a fascinating point. I suppose… my old self was unsatisfied with humanity. With their body, their society, their life. Itching for something better."

"And you believed Phyrexia was better?"

"Well of course! Even back then I must've known deep down the perfection and glory of-"

"Okay right, I get it." I can tell from the human's expression that they definitely don't get it yet. They think for a moment. "What was your home city like?"

Each of the human's probing questions takes longer to answer, forcing me to draw upon memories that laid untouched since my compleation. "It was… stuffy. The people were far too concerned with keeping things the way they were. Any deviation was shamed. Living there, I was eager for change, for improvement. That is why I chose Phyrexia."

"Mhm… Strict rules, enforced conformity, sounds pretty bad."

"Yes."

"Sounds a lot like Phyrexia."

What? "No. No, Phyrexia doesn't shun difference! You've surely seen the variety of forms we take."

"All of them spliced with metal and filled with oil. You don't let anyone have a body that doesn't conform to Phyrexian standards. Heck, you don't let anyone have a purpose in life besides 'serve Phyrexia'. How is this any better than your old city?"

"That city trapped itself in an imperfect state. Phyrexia's rules are to maintain its perfection. The two couldn't be more different."

"I bet that city thought it was perfect too."

"We… We are improving. Always seeking greater glory and further refinement. We are not stagnant."

"And what if the path to improvement leads to a world without glistening oil? Would Phyrexia change its ways? Or would it keep-"

I strike my tail on the floor. "Blasphemy! Phyrexia IS perfection!"

"… Why do you have a tail? What's perfect about that?"

"An extra appendage to aid in balance, to reach behind oneself, to act as a weapon in combat, it has many uses." I raise my tail straight up, demonstrating yet another use in communicating my contentment. "Its one of the most common additions to a body."

"Okay… What about the cat ears?"

"Superior hearing, additional expression, and aesthetic. They're perfect."

"Then why haven't I seen any other Phyrexians with them? If they're so great like you say, then wouldn't Phyrexia want all of its members to have them? If they're perfect, then why are they only on you?"

"They're perfect for me." The words come so naturally that I speak them before I realize how wrong they sound. I quickly amend. "Different Phyrexians have different needs. A body like mine may not be suitable to others, but for my flesh and my mind it is ideal."

"Ideal for your needs… Is that what it is? Or is it personal preference?"

"Of course it isn't personal preference, there is no such thing in the Phyrexian mind."

"Did you want it when you were human?"

"… I… did. But that is mere coincidence; a broken clock is right twice a day."

"… That's why you joined Phyrexia, isn't it? It wasn't about going from oppression to 'perfect' oppression. It was about getting the body you wanted."

The human's words resonate with something in the old, dusty parts of my mind. "I suppose that was my motivation. But my foolhardy human desires are no longer relevant."

"So you don't feel the same way about your body as you used to?"

"… I do. But regardless, I am perfect now."

"Are you perfect because your body is 'ideal for your needs'? Or are you perfect because this is what you want?"

"They are one and the same."

"And what if they weren't? What if your ideal body was one that didn't match what you wanted?"

… This is a trick. This human is trying to manipulate me. Yet the hypothetical tempts me to consider it. And no matter how long I think… "… I don't know. I don't know how to choose between a body that's perfect for my needs and a body that's… perfect for me…"

"You have desires. Preferences. It was important for you to be able to forge your own body."

"… Yes. Yes, I wanted this body. I want to keep it. It's perfect."

"That's what perfection is to you, isn't it? Being able to shape yourself into what you want to be."

That's not what perfection is… or is it? I pace back and forth across the room. Perfection is such an elusive goal, impossible to even grasp for an incompleat mind. Even the praetors choose such divergent paths. And yet, all are Phyrexian. All are perfect. How can that be, unless perfection is something different for everyone? In fact, how could the same thing be perfect for two different people? Even compleat minds are not identical, even the praetors differ. And with differing minds come different meanings for perfection.

"Of course. Of course! To be perfect is to achieve the truest form of oneself! To reach the pinnacle of one's own ideal! To travel one's own path to its destination! THAT is the glorious vision that drove me to Phyrexia! To become the version of myself that I so desperately wanted! Now I understand, and so…" I turn back to the human, strapped to the operating table. "What would YOU like to become?!"

"… U-um, not Phyrexian..?"

"Yes yes of course, you've made it very clear what you DON'T want, now I'm asking what you DO want! Every human dreams of reshaping their body into a perfect form! Now go on, tell me what you're unsatisfied with. What would you like to add? Remove? Exchange and improve?"

"… Well… I guess it'd be nice to get rid of my back pain…"

I nod. "Right, of course, classic human design flaw." I snatch the clipboard from the counter and scratch out the old orders, writing new notes instead. "Replace spine…"

"… And… A replacement for my deaf ear would be convenient."

"Left or right?"

"Left."

I write it down. "Left ear hearing implant…"

"Hey uh, this isn't going to involve glistening oil, is it? I um… don't want my mind to change."

"Of course of course, if your mind is perfect as it is then it'd be foolish to change it! Modifications as simple as these will be perfectly compatible with your incompleat mind. Now, what else would you like? A tail? Night vision? Oh, I recommend an immune system upgrade!"

"… What can you do about hormones?"