#except i still want 2 cry
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
tamagotchikgs · 6 months ago
Text
as it turns out taking a whole bunch of pills u are not supposed 2 sometimes does actually have an effect
Tumblr media
6 notes · View notes
arttsuka · 3 months ago
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Based on somewhat real events
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
I spent way too much time drawing this...
But yeah, Ford finally saying thank you
A continuation (kinda)
360 notes · View notes
opens-up-4-nobody · 2 months ago
Text
...
#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
11 notes · View notes
talkorsomething · 5 months ago
Text
I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
8 notes · View notes
sexynetra · 11 months ago
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media
I am on a mission to learn how to draw can you believe these are literally only 4 days apart I’m feeling so pussy pussy cunt cunt rn
#also I know it doesn’t look like Marcia I literally today learned how to draw facial proportions I can’t fuck around too much yet#also I liquified her she wrong so it’s a lil fucked up but#I’m v proud :)#didn’t even touch hair or body or anything but that’s fine I just want to learn to draw Marcia’s face right#that’s goal one#I will not rest until I get this down#I will become the expert in drawing Marcia’s face#also do you love that I can’t remember any makeup look except the red and white one#I’ve used it for like 6 drawings of her now#anyways it’s crazy what a single 10 minute video on how to properly proportion a face can do#also I don’t know what my style is yet bc I just started so obviously that factors into things#anyways!#artist advice is always welcome critique might (will) make me cry :)#encouragement is always… encouraged 😉#anyways I’m v happy with myself#even though I opened the canvas and lost track of time and blinked and it was 2 am#also can I just say it took me a few tries but I’m loving the lettering on her name :)#okay that’s it I’m going to brush my teeth and fall asleep#also I’m still trying to figure out all the secrets of procreatepls aid#marcia#marcia x3#marcia marcia marcia#drag race fanart#my art#also there’s only a one hour difference between how long it took to do these that’s so funny#wow#also in my defense!#I was trying out different styles so I was trying to copy a more cartoonish style#but still :)#also it looks so warm on my phone rn bc I have night mode on but the colors are so pretty on my iPad :) and presumably here once night mode
11 notes · View notes
stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 6 months ago
Text
having a category 12 "thought about william wisp for too long" moment
2 notes · View notes
bosspigeon · 11 months ago
Text
staring at the Newegg order page like
Tumblr media
4 notes · View notes
foxgirlmoth · 10 months ago
Text
So my life is feeling like its on an upward swing since this is my final semester for my associates, I'm starting a new job real soon and also possibly have a really nice remote job if I hear back from a few places I recently applied to.
And it always terrifies me when good stuff starts happening.
Change is really hard for me especially when it feels like its all at once. With better pay comes the opportunity to leave my parent's house finally and move in with a girl who has lovingly stolen my heart. With my school behind me I can find better jobs even!
But at the same time, its just. So scary for me. What if I can't keep up my part of rent. What if my chronic pain or ADHD or other disabilities put a strain on someone I love to my core, and I end up making things worse because I get extremely emotional and will scream (at myself mostly) and panic during these high stress times (especially if money is involved)
I've had a 'safety net' of family members who barely tolerate the fake me I present myself as, and I know my mental health is going to be so much better when I'm not around them, but at the same time I need so much help sometimes. Family just happens to help in terms of shelter and food. It also doesn't help that the one other time I moved out it ended so so poorly that I'm still working through that trauma.
Hurting the love of my life in any way fucking terrifies me. I want nothing but the best for her always always always. I just know I can't always be at my best, its impossible to be. I will break at some point and probably scream and cry about how things aren't going nearly to plan and I'm so weak so often I don't know if I can pull myself together fast enough to not hurt myself or her with my untrue words.
#I used to have (What I'm pretty sure now were autism) meltdowns so bad when I was younger.#I was always told I was selfish and that I can't expect to have x thing or y thing fixed#And I would scream and slam my hands against my legs and the ground#Its never been pretty#I just learned to cry before it gets to that point now and I just sob so fucking much#But if it feels like my life is over? I just. I just can't. I'll still scream and cry and pulp my legs bruised and hands bleeding#And showing my wife all of me includes all of these things I hate. This could happen if I move in with her#I haven't had a meltdown in a while from what I remember#It was probably right after I moved back in with my parents. And was pretty much coerced into an environment I felt extremely unsafe in.#tw self harm#jic cause I have mentioned beating myself#I haven't been close to a meltdown around my love at all tbh so maybe I'm scared for no reason. I mostly just cry because#Thats what happens when any emotion runs high#<- Girl who is currently crying typing all thid#also I hope no one reads hurting her as physically. I've never thrown a punch in my life. Well. I guess except at myself#Huh thats the first time I've thought of it that way. That sucks#I just know that 1. Being loud in general would not be nice to either of us. and 2. I can be a bitch! I can say some rancid shit!#And that would! Be fucking bad and hurt! And I so desperately don't want that#And I know accidentally hurting someone is something you need to expect when you're in a close relationship with someone#It still fucking sucks though#AUGH I just needed to type this all out I'n feeling better already. I'm just a scared girl so often.#I want to live more and more each day so I know I'll make it. Even if I do it scared. I guess I hope you see this honey#Since this is stuff I should be talking about with you#Getting my thoughts sorted though before talking is good though. The reason I type this on fucking tumblr is because it helps me think#Also being vulnerable and letting friends and mutuals and the like see all this is a chance for me to better myself I suppose#This has been a runa rant#runa diary#I have a habit of overthinking. Methinks#Honestly my current safety net of family has been pretty fucking bad#The one time I earned a little bit more money than I needed for bills I was basically stripped of a lot of it paying my folks rent
3 notes · View notes
vivalamusaine · 1 year ago
Text
Sometimes things go so wrong for no reason and they can't be explained or faulted but you still feel guilt and pain and grief and I think it's just another way to process the lack of control we have.
6 notes · View notes
tamagotchikgs · 5 months ago
Text
i just woke up n i feel so bad both mentally and physically i dont know whats going on
Tumblr media
8 notes · View notes
fallen--starlight · 1 year ago
Text
i play cotl n suffer from the inability of being mean in video games so i stay as far away from the "mean" doctrines kjashhdakj like whenever the doctrine abt belief in original sin shows up im like NO even tho it wld b beneficial 😭 i project my religious issues onto the game so since the whole christian original sin thing fucked me up im like no !! i do not want my lil followers 2 suffer as well !! u will get the nicest shit i can give u bc i want yall 2 b happy in religion n not miserable like me!
3 notes · View notes
millersix · 1 year ago
Text
constantly collapsing of loneliness + feeling like i cant integrate myself into society / among my peers......anyone else feel like a complete fucking alien on this earth.
4 notes · View notes
aemiron-main · 2 years ago
Text
Tumblr media
his thousand yard stare and flat ass have captivated me mind and soul
#1979 henry creel#his thousand yard stare and flat ass and his autistic swag have captivated me#the Atrocities throw a wrench into it but yknow#im still captivated in a 'bug in a jar' way. i want to study him. BUT NOT IN A BRENNER WAY#technically brenner wanted to CONTROL him not study him like henry says that verbatim so#i can still get away with studying him without becoming brenner-coded#putting him in a jar and staring at him. NOT IN A SENSORY TANK CODED WAY EITHER#I CANT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS WITHOUT IT BEING TIED TO BRENNERS HORRIBLE IMAGERY CAN I????#guy who is so normal about brenner trapping henry the way that henry trapped the spiders.#head in hands i wish argyle ran over brenner with the pizza van to make sure he was dead. I NEED TO BE SURE.#also terrible thought bc im rambling in the tags. me and not being sure virginia is dead. what if we get a scene like the s4 opening scene#where brenner is getting ready and it reveals that it's him except its with virginia and its not her getting ready#instead its a flashback to 1959 and they make us think it's Before the murders like same night but before it and virginia is coming down the#stairs (that one weird stairs pov shot we got) but then it cuts from her to henry and alice etc on the floor and it hits us all like  a bric#*brick. i would kill for that but i would also be screaming crying throwing up the whole time fr.#I Know That Bitch Didnt Die The Way They Made Us Think She Did. Doctors Hate Her- LEARN HER SECRET CLICK HERE#anyway henry shitpost tags turned in 2 virginia hate as always i am always suspicious of her and always ready 2 hate on her.#also why tf is 1979 henry in the nina bunker in this shot. thats weird#its a bts pic so maybe jamie just went on the set but alsooooooooooooooooooooooooooo smthn is sus#anyway henrys thousand yard stare and flat ass really HAVE captivated me.
36K notes · View notes
bunnydriver · 2 months ago
Text
today is so fucking bad, but i used up all of my bad day cards and now i have to pretend like everything is fine but its NOT
0 notes
sadfraudfrogs · 7 months ago
Text
I currently need to throw my phone into a river because if my mum looks through my phone I'm fucked
#it'll out me as a system and having various mental illnesses#She'll get mad at me for having online friends#she'll probably force me to block them or something and I want to stay friends with them#Without them I have like 2 friends#And only 1 person I can actually be open with#And every single day I cry because I'm scared of losing the only person who knows me for me#I'll be cut off from the entire world and she'll expect me to be happy#I'm happy when I don't have to hide myself but I can't do that here#I'm in a country that hates me and you except me to feel safe going outside?#The only way I'd feel safe is if I changed my name legally and moved to a completely different country#I can't handle living in England and I don't feel safe in this town#I'll just get harassed or I'll see my rapist and have a panic attack#I need mental help so fucking badly but I live in England where my only fucking option is either better help#Or a Councillor who won't take me seriously#The last 2 counsellors I had were shit#The first one talked down to me constantly and there was a language barrier between me and the second so half the time I had no clue-#- what she was saying#My sh is only getting worse#I've finally started bleeding from my sh#And now I'm scared to show my arms around my parents because they'll blame the internet for it#Not the years of bullying or the emotional abuse or the fact I'm still trying to compute the fact I was fucking raped#I blame myself for everything#The internet is how I try to heal#If I get that taken away from me then I'll have nothing#I'll probably try to convert to Christianity just so I have something to believe in#Even though the idea of a god makes me really fucking paranoid#Nothing fucking helps anymore#The only thing I fucking have is my stupid fucking phone#I'm going to kill myself I swear to fuck#Because in this fucking society all I fucking get is oppressed
0 notes
drill-teeth-art · 2 years ago
Photo
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Wow! Here’s something incredibly personal.
This is Good Bi Gender. A comic I made to express some feelings I have about my gender. I don’t really have that much else to say about it. Here it is.
[Image Description: A digital comic made with sharp, angular abstract lines and only the colors white, blue, pink, and black. The featured character is all white, except for facial features and hair colors, which changes from panel to panel. The comic reads: Cover Panel: The text "Good Bi Gender", the words colored with the trans flag. It shows a glitchy person's face, half pink and half blue. Panel 1: White text reads: "Hello. My name is apparently irrelevant. And my pronouns are he/him and she/her. But you can't call me she/her. And here's why." Someone with a half-pink and half-blue shirt looks to the side. One eye is covered with hair, and the other eye is pink while the iris is blue.
Panel 2: The character sits happily, imagining facial hair and a masculine voice. "I don't want top surgery. I love my chest. And I dream about being on testosterone someday soon." The character looks at a phone, frowning. The phone shows the male symbol with an "X" through it. Text next to it reads: “People don't seem to think that the features I dream of are very pretty though... Or they think even worse of them than that…”
Panel 3: The character’s features are all pink, and sits in a blank frame. The character reaches over to a blue frame, frowning. “I don't like the animosity. I really despise it.” A photo of the character shows an all-blue frame and blue hair, with pink outlines and facial features. “To be a boy... I aspire to be one. I aspire to be masculine in all its handsomeness. All its prettiness.” Panel 4: The character sits in an all blue panel, but reaches back out to the pink panel. “And I'm still a girl too. I was so excited to have both. To love both. To have handsome femininity. Beautiful masculinity.” The frames break and connect, and pink and blue swirl together. The character smiles in between the frames, with one pink eye and one blue eye. “So excited. And yet I get asked…”
Panel 5: Two hands hold out two different pills to the character, one blue and one pink. They ask “Male? or Female?” using the male and female symbols.The character, facial features an array of pink and blue, looks between the two hands, distressed. “It's both! I'm both! They're not opposites. Not narrow boxes. I say I'm both despite the insistence that I can't be. And I know what I look like. I know I look like a girl to most. I know that if I say people can call me she, that's all I will get from most. Because it's "easier". It "makes more sense". To have my masculinity, I am often forced to be unflinching in it and it alone. To never use she. Because if I don't, I will never get to have he.” [The words "she" and "he" are italicized.] Panel 6: Text reads: “I'm still very happy to be so comfortable in my identity. To know, despite all that, that I am indeed a boy and a girl and both. But you know. Telling people to only use he/him for me. Guarding my masculinity all just to have it. All at the expense of the part of me who is happily and unashamedly a girl.” The character cries from one pink eye, the other hidden. The character holds a pink girl in a sea of blue, the girl crying out. In the midst of the blue, text reads: “Well, it fucking breaks her heart.” End ID]
Edit: @starberry-skies wrote an ID for the comic, so I added it to the og post with its permission!
45K notes · View notes