#Thats what happens when any emotion runs high | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

crguang · 9 months ago

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somethin’ bout those tears of yours… how does it feel to be adored?

Shrieks or symphony? They’re all the same to her. However, your cries will always sound better than any orchestra.

warnings: smut, finger fucking, kafka eating pussy like i know she can, afab!reader, dom!kafka (duh), dacryphilia (thats the whole point of this if im honest)

wc: 3,2K

A/N: wow guys um. this didn’t go as planned but im not really complaining, i never write smut so i dont know whats going on but enjoy nonetheless

As eloquent as Kafka is, she can’t seem to be able to put into words why the sight of your shiny eyes and pouty lips moves her so.

It’s not so much a feeling of pity they rouse as a sort of pleasure that courses through her like rain seeping into clothes. It’s a soft delight, the kind she recognizes as when she closes her eyes and lets the high notes of a violin fill her senses. Emotion twisting your features is like a carefully building crescendo— first come the furrowed brows, then the scrunch of your pretty nose and the tremble in your lips, and finally, big, fat glassy tears running along your full cheeks. The melody reaches its climax as your eyes meet hers, the dulcet tones of your poorly contained cries bringing forth something Kafka’s never found in another person. It’s a sadistic sort of pleasure to experience, perhaps, not that she’d ever care about the gaps in her morality.

She particularly enjoys the gloss in your gaze when she’s between your slick thighs, fingers digging into the soft flesh, tongue swirling around your pulsing clit. Kafka sometimes rolls her eyes at how easily you are taken by emotion—she’s almost certain it’s a facade, it has to be— and thinks you’re working in the wrong business, but she can’t complain when you’re such a pretty crier. Like a loyal dog, she makes your wants happen regardless of whether you find the courage to utter them. Your jaw clenches in anger after a rude interaction with a stranger, and Kafka threatens him in an alley. Her finger’s always been loose on the trigger. Your hand trails down her bicep in that purposeful way that lets her know you want her, and Kafka buries her nose in your cunt until tears cloud your vision and you’re firmly pulling her mouth away with a hand in her hair. She takes in a breath, lips parted and coated in arousal, as she revels in the way your chest stutters and your wet eyelashes flutter. You’re at your prettiest like this; bare, sweaty, pliable under her steady hands. What a sight it makes.

Kafka sighs lustfully, a palm against her cheek as she lets the thoughts dissipate. You haven’t noticed her stare yet, too preoccupied by your argument with Silver Wolf to spare her a glance. She doesn’t care to listen in and instead waits until the heated debate inevitably has you stomping towards her with an irritated pout. Your arms cross over your chest and the crease between your brows deepens when you plant yourself in front of her.

“This girl will argue over anything.”

Kafka’s usual smile doesn’t faze you, nor does the way her fingertips linger on your skin when she pushes strands of hair out of your face. She only hums in acknowledgment. Your nose bridge is crinkled in frustration, as is the corner of your eyes, and it’s almost enough to hear the familiar symphony that sounds between her ears. If Kafka were to psychoanalyze her every thought, she’d have wondered if witnessing strong emotional responses fascinates her because she doesn’t have any. People attract what they lack, do they not? It would explain the shiver that caresses her spine when she’s face to face with a pleading victim. Her pupils grow twice in size to take in as much of the scene as possible, and she lets violins and cellos reach their crescendo in her mind until death descends and everything stops. The following silence brings satisfaction, a fitting end to a beautiful symphony.

Silver Wolf passes by the two of you with her eyes glued to her phone screen and mutters a mocking comment she intends for you to hear. You grit your teeth. The whole thing’s pretty childish and certainly unserious, but you both have strong opinions on what constitutes a good video game, apparently.

“She likes to rile you up,” Kafka grips your chin with three fingers and turns you back toward her. “Don’t mind her.”

“I’m not letting myself be bullied by a girl who can’t reach the highest cupboard without a chair,” you say the last part loud enough for Silver Wolf to give you the middle finger as she walks away.

With the source of your frustration gone, your muscles relax bit by bit until you’re sighing and running a hand down your face.

“I need some air.”

Kafka fetches your coat.

You’ve forgotten the entire ordeal when you and Kafka step outside of a clothing store, a spring in your step that appeared after the two of you spent half an hour looking at leather jackets. You ended up buying one for yourself after Kafka’s extensive comments and suggestions. The paper bag sways as you walk through the busy streets of an unfamiliar city. You’ve never been to this planet before, everything was a sight you wished you could stop and admire for more than a few minutes but being a Stellaron Hunter didn’t come with vacations. You were here on a job and would be leaving in two days, according to Elio’s script. The first part is done, the second takes place tomorrow, which allows you a moment of reprieve to simply wander around this strange city. Your sense of orientation and perception is excellent but you let Kafka lead you through bustling markets and tight alleys to get back to the base. She doesn’t say it but you know this wide detour is a way for you to take in as much of the city as you can, so you pretend not to see the man hurriedly making his way towards you and let him push you closer to her in order to grab her hand, effectively steadying you. Neither of you lets go the whole walk home.

The place is quiet when you make it back two hours later. Silver Wolf is probably curled up in a corner with a game and the others are nowhere to be seen. You waste no time in pulling out the jacket and discarding the bag once in the living area, taking off your current coat to shrug the new one on. Kafka takes a seat on a couch, one leg over the other, her chin in the palm of her hand as she watches you.

You carefully adjust the collar and tug on the jacket so it fits perfectly, then turn towards her.

“So? Does it look as good on me as you said it would?”

The corner of Kafka’s mouth lifts as she replies, “Hm… Swirl a little for me.”

You turn a few times, allowing her to see every angle. You zip it all the way up but decide you like the look better when the jacket is open. You even take some steps to and fro, delighting in the way Kafka’s usually blank gaze diligently follows your movements.

“Yes,” she finally says after a moment, “you definitely make it work.”

“Yeah? You’d pick me up from a bar?”

There’s a playful tilt to your voice when the question leaves your lips. Kafka’s smile widens. Her eyes lazily trail down your figure, then back up to your face. She leans back into the couch and tilts her head slightly to the side, fixing you with a level stare.

“I would.”

You hum in thought as you step close enough to settle on her lap, knees on each side of her hips. Kafka doesn’t move when your hands clasp around her neck. You see the amused twitch of her lips, though.

“Do you think I’d look super mysterious so you’d approach me to see what my deal is?”

“No. You’re too expressive to be mysterious.”

That answer makes your brows furrow and your nostrils flare.

“Just like that,” Kafka teases.

You roll your eyes. “So you’d only approach me for my looks? How romantic of you.”

“I’m not trying to be romantic. But,” a gloved hand sneaks under your shirt, fingers splayed out over the expanse of your back as they trace the bones of your spinal cord, “I could show you a very good time.”

“Oh, really?” You watch her peach lips when she speaks, absentmindedly leaning closer.

She hums in agreement. Her free hand comes to rest on your waist while the other leisurely wanders up and down your back. Her gloves are thin and the fabric feels expensive against your bare skin. You don’t notice how close you’ve gotten until you look up to see Kafka’s lidded eyes fixed on yours. A shiver runs through you when the pad of her fingers reaches your nape.

“You’d leave with me, wouldn’t you?” She asks with a low drawl to her words.

Kafka’s pleasure in asking questions she already knows the answers to is lost on you. She revels in making you admit things you’d otherwise keep to yourself in an attempt to fluster you, and loves watching you fight with yourself while thinking of a response. Surprising her is no easy feat but is always a treat.

“Maybe.” You say simply.

“Maybe? I’m offended.”

“You’ll live.”

“Hm. Perhaps I should be more convincing, then.”

Her chin tilts upwards and your eyes close to await a kiss that never comes. You feel Kafka’s steady breath on your lips for a moment before she leans back and raises an amused eyebrow at you. There’s a crease between your brows when you meet her teasing gaze.

“What? Were you expecting something?”

You decide to play her game and jut out your bottom lip in a petulant pout. Her lenses don’t hide the way her eyes catch the movement.

“Are you saying you’re not going to kiss me?” You whine a little, pulling her closer by the back of her neck.

The hand that was on your waist lifts to take hold of your chin. Kafka swipes her thumb over your bottom lip.

“Is that what you want?”

The cocky smile painting her face annoys you, but you know that she’ll give you what you want. She always gives you what you want. You nod, and as your lashes flutter you can tell the exact moment she realizes your submission is an act. A low chuckle leaves her, the hand on your back trails up to close around your nape in a forceful grip, and she harshly pulls you to her until your mouth crashes on hers. It’s a rough and hurried kiss; you feel her tongue push past your lips as you try to match her pace. Kafka keeps you where you are with only a hand and forces you to follow her lead, a clear reminder of who’s in charge between the two of you. Your guts tighten as she kisses you long enough that you have to exhale sharply through your nose to avoid getting dizzy. Her tongue explores your mouth like it already knows where everything is and swirls around yours in a way that has you arching against her.

You recognize the look in Kafka’s eyes when she suddenly pulls away, bottom lip shining with saliva. You’re sure she can feel your heartbeat sending ripples through your chest with how close it is to hers. An unapologetic smile makes its way onto your face. You take great pleasure in knowing she’ll make you regret your blatant manipulation.

Frustration builds inside you at the same unhurried pace as Kafka’s single digit plunging into your cunt. Her lips ignore your clit as they plant wet kisses to your slick folds, her tongue occasionally dipping between them with strokes far too light for your liking. It’s been half an hour and Kafka’s still between your thighs, savoring the taste of your arousal with no care for your release. Her gloved finger feels good against your walls and the wet sounds it makes as she thrusts it inside you only turns you on more, but it’s not nearly enough to make you come. Your wrists tug on their restraints— the glowing pink silk keeps them above your head on the mattress, unable to move. You tilt your head to the ceiling and groan for the hundredth time.

“Kafka, come on…” Your whine is real this time as you look down at her figure between your legs.

Kafka only hums over your twitching clit, then deserts it completely and raises her head to meet your eyes. Arousal stains her mouth, giving it a pretty sheen like the one on her favorite coat. Her finger opts for a massage and rubs your clenching walls as your lips part to let out another pained whine. Kafka watches the way your hips greedily chase your release, bucking towards her appreciative mouth.

A breathy moan breaks your pout when her tongue licks a long stripe up your slit. It’s warm and wet against you, and it sends pleasant shivers down your spine every time it makes contact with your needy cunt. Kafka takes her time tasting you and it’s in moments like these where you curse her patience. She has no issue working you up for hours because she knows the end results will be satisfactory, so she turns a deaf ear to your complaints and pleas. There’s a coil in your belly begging to burst and you can’t do anything but try to get Kafka to care.

“Please? Give me more…”

Kafka’s lips abandon your folds with a wet sound. She sighs exaggeratingly and adjusts herself between your thighs so she’s kneeling, then holds you down with a hand on your hip.

“So noisy,” she says, a glint in the depths of her eyes that you’re not sure you like. “Don’t make me shut you up.”

“Don’t be mean.” You groan in frustration when her finger completely stops moving inside you. “Come on.”

“Mean?” Kafka repeats, a slow smile spreading across her lips. “Fine.”

She plunges three fingers inside your waiting cunt at once, hard and fast, and the sudden intrusion has you choking out a surprised moan.

“W—Wait—“

You don’t have time to adjust to the stretch, she doesn’t let you. The next breath gets caught in your throat as her fingers drive inside you with a speed you’re not accustomed to, effectively shutting you up. She brings her other hand to press rough circles on your clit, forcing the sensations to overwhelm you completely. Your hips stutter. It feels good beyond the initial shock, great, and you’re still huffing out short gasps while you eagerly take in her digits. Your vision blurs at the edges. You can still make out Kafka’s intense gaze on your face, drinking in your expression like the sight alone could make her come.

Once you get used to the rhythm, moving against her hand and sighing in relief, Kafka stops entirely. You struggle to let out a pained noise as her fingers leave your cunt at once before you even have time to beg.

“No,” you whine, “please…”

You’re getting irritated and desperate, the feeling curls around your throat and threatens to spill in an embarrassing sob. You swallow it as Kafka slips two fingers past her lips. She suckles on them while you try to control your breathing, taking longer breaths and willing your heart to slow down lest it bursts. The digits come out wet with a mix of saliva and arousal. She spreads them apart to see the sticky string that connects them, before bringing them down to smear it over your sex in a teasing manner.

You exhale sharply when her thumb swipes over your clit a few times, not enough to build your orgasm back up despite the pleasure it brings. You tug on your restraints a second time and feel humiliated when Kafka only watches you with lidded eyes and a happy smile. You know what she’s after, what she wants from you. It’s the only way you can get her to fuck you like she means it, so you take another deep, shaky breath and keep quiet.

“Oh…?” Kafka’s middle finger circles your entrance when she witnesses your resolve. She doesn’t say another word, simply pushes it inside in slow thrusts.

You bite into the flesh of your cheek as her thumb massages the base of your clit then teases the tip. Your chest heaves but you’re determined not to make a sound. She masturbates you the way she wants to; circles your pulsing clit, slides a forefinger between your slick folds, watches the way her middle one disappears inside your cunt as if swallowed. You take it like she wants you to, also, because she’s the only one who can push you over the edge. When you least expect it, Kafka thrusts three fingers inside you at the same pace as earlier, knocking the wind out of you until you’re a moaning mess. With every sharp thrust and the pressure on your clit, you get closer to your release. Then she stops, drastically slows down to a mere massage that has your nose scrunching up and your lips trembling. A lump forms in your throat after she denies you for the third time.

She plays you like a string instrument, denies you relief she knows you crave, until your brows twist in that pretty, familiar way and she hears the bright, crisp tones of a melody meant for her ears only. Her lips part and the pupils beneath her lenses swallow the pink of her irises. She stills, muscles taut, senses attuned to every crease of your skin and quiver of your features. You take in a shuddering breath through your mouth, your eyes screwed shut in frustration and need and finally, you cry. Fat tears spill from the corner of your eyes and slide down your skin into your ears. Kafka’s reaction is instant. Her fingers drill into you, fast, rough, unrelenting. She moves to hover over you as your orgasm builds in your belly and reverently kisses your tears as they escape your eyes. Her mouth is gentle while her fingers are not; there’s a distinct ringing inside her head when the sound of your whimpers hits her ears and the salt of your tears coats her lips. It’s as she feels your cunt squeeze tight around her fingers while she softly shushes you that Kafka realizes something else.

You come with a broken cry, pleasure coursing through your body like a sudden shock as the coil in your stomach finally bursts. Kafka tears herself away from your glistening face to watch how you gush over her fingers and ruin the sheets under you. The sticky mess makes her own cunt clench, she particularly enjoys how messy things can get during sex. Her silk glove is positively dirty, the material gleams in the light and is thick with your arousal when she takes her fingers out of you.

You’re coming down from your high with your nose buried in Kafka’s neck, and occasional sniffles can be heard as her cleanest hand strokes your hair. This feeling she’s become familiar with suddenly has a name, it swirls around her ribs and snakes under the sturdy walls of her heart. Kafka doesn’t need to be eloquent to know that she adores you. She adores you especially when she makes you cry because she can soothe it all away afterwards.

#honkai star rail #hsr kafka #kafka smut #kafka x reader #kafka x you #hsr x reader #hsr smut #dom!hsr #honkai star rail smut #fem!reader #dom!kafka #hsr fanfic #hsr x you

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iridiss · 4 months ago

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Mystreet AU where all of the Phoenix Drop High staff are the divine warriors. MCD!Aphmau is a reincarnation of the last Irene, and she restarted the world when the final battle against Shad was going poorly, and Mystreet was created instead, with MCD!Aphmau being reincarnated into Mystreet!Aphmau. The other Divine Warriors (including the first Irene), were recycled into this school with no powers and new lives, completely powerless to the universal change that Aphmau has made. So now they’re forced to adapt to this new world and blend in, whether they like it or not, effectively trapped in this school until they can figure out what the hell happened, and somehow undo it. They all have retained most or all of their memories from their previous life. This makes staff meetings incredibly awkward

Shad is the principal, he runs this school very begrudgingly. He hates his job, but hey, he was able to lead an army in Hell! How much harder can leading highschoolers be?

Irene is the school counselor. The only one. She still has no emotions. This makes her not very successful at her job, but hey, she tries. The students are theorizing that she and the principal are divorced, or exes in some way or another, because of the incredibly grudge-filled looks they keep giving each other. They are forced to work in vague proximity with one another, and no one is enjoying it. They have to maintain workplace diplomacy and after learning what kind of world Shad is trapped in now, he realizes that he can’t actually kill her unless he wants to be arrested and thrown in jail forever. Which would suck ass, because he’s pretty certain the source of their new predicament is somewhere in this school alongside them, and if he wants any luck at getting out, he’s going to have to play along.

Irene and Shad are at least able to remain thinly diplomatic with one another. Shad and Esmund, however—never in a million years will they be civil with one another. They have gotten in very confusing shouting matches in front of the kids before. And yet Esmund never gets fired, (…i don’t think Shad has figured out that he can do that yet…) so the kids start to spread rumors that Esmund is hooking up with or used to be hooking up with the principal. Esmund and Shad find out, and all of the students get in ungodly amounts of trouble for this.

Enki tried to reconnect with his old friend Shad at some point. It didn’t go well. He left his office as quickly as he came in at the first sight of his glare.

It becomes surprisingly easy (and very existential crisis-inducing) to finally be able to tell Aphmau and Irene apart when they’re two entirely separate people standing in the same room. Shad realizes that this Aphmau is probably what caused this, but problem 1. She doesn’t remember a damn thing and is therefore extremely unhelpful, and problem 2. That’s A Child. That’s A Literal Actual Child. That’s some 13yo baby that is entirely innocent and bright-eyed and oblivious to anything and everything that went down in her past lives. And in my mind, Shad has a soft spot for children. Like, a HUGE soft spot, because he used to be a father and his daughter meant the world to him. He’d do anything to get her back and protect her from all the horrors that he could not save her from. Thats his entire villain motivation. Thats the entire reason why he hates Irene and becomes The Shadow Lord and raises an army and pillages the world and everything else. The Shad in my head would be physically incapable of hurting a child.

So I can see Shad calling Aphmau into his office very early in the first semester, ready to confront her and duel all over again…only to realize that, no, this is an separate, innocent child who remembers nothing and might even be an entirely different reincarnation of who she was before. Her memories might even be wiped, completely inaccessible and gone forever. He has an existential crisis, awkwardly apologizes and plays it off as some sort of joke, asks if she needs anything (putting back on his “I’m a normal human being” mask). She says she needs directions to her classes, so he scrounges up a random map and hands it to her and sends her off. He re-evaluates everything he’s known for the past 900 years.

Shad becoming strangely protective of 13yo Aphmau,,, this is just some kid,, he’s forced to re-evaluate everything and adjusts how he sees his students. From “oh good a new army I’m gonna have to mold from scratch /sarc” to “i…i have gone from zero children…to thousands…. thousands of children put under my care…i need to protect all of them at once” man goes mega mother hen mode, especially since his dangerous traitorous ex-wife is in the same building as them, he definitely sees her and the other divine warriors as threats to his kids.

Irene bringing Aphmau into her office as well, but she approaches things very differently from Shad. She cuts straight to the chase, and tells Aphmau she needs to remember. She’s done something terrible, and needs to reverse it and put the world back in order. She needs to remember her old life and become the newest Irene, take on all the power and the responsibility that being a Goddess entails, and set everything right. 13yo Aphmau freaks out, confused and lost. Irene lays the pressure on hard, and keeps pushing when Aphmau insists that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Shad opens the door, sensing she was here with her, and looks like he’s doing everything in his power to hold himself back from punching her square in the face. They have a very terse, carefully worded micro-argument, and Shad insists Aphmau must return to her classes, her education is more important than anything Irene has to stay to her. He gets very protective of her and basically professional-business-talk tells her to fuck right off and never speak to her again. Aphmau is still confused. He ushers her out, and awkwardly asks if she’s alright. She says…i…think…so???? What just happened??? Shad tells her to be careful around that woman, and don’t believe a word she says. She’s full of lies, anyway. Aphmau’s like. you mean the school counselor???????? It’s a very strange day for Aphmau.

insert the kids joking about how Garroth/travis/aaron/Aphmau must be related to certain members of the staff here

#i do not know what subjects each divine warrior would teach #and there probably wouldn’t be enough of them for the whole school so like. include hyria and all the other ancient times people #like that one Xavier guy. etc #aphmau #aphmau au #mcd au #mystreet au #mystreet #mcd #aphblr

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geekazoidfreak · 19 days ago

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don't know if i'm insane and other ppl have probably noticed but u guys know John? the android u can decide to save at the cyberlife warehouses? well. you know how if Markus sacrifices himself John steps in? sacrifices himself instead, giving Jericrew enough time to drag him to his feet and run?

that is his self-imposed directive and he is functioning within his defined parameters even tho he's getting fcked up tldr thats all this is.

im no android expert and the consistency of LEDs is really terrible. but... his LED is blue. the entire time. there is no flicker due to system damages, there is no physical instability registered. he is functioning.

everything in small text is not necessarily important.

Connor in Hostage shows a physical response to damage and is reflected by a red LED. Kara is being threatened outright by Todd if u do the laundry and her LED changes to reflect that, and in Stormy Night her instability is high enough to warrant a physical descriptor. It only subsides when Alice places her hand on Kara's, and the LED slowly turns to blue to indicate safety and stability. When Hank pushes Connor against the glass he also has an LED change due to being physically threatened. he cannot hurt humans and assesses and decides Hank cant do shit even if he tried so boom LED blue hes back to full functionality even tho hes being yelled at. just things that i am basing this off of

John darted out to save Markus because Markus saved him. the need to save Markus and keep him alive overrides his OWN primary directive to be alive, to BE ALIVE in every sense and to undergo self-preservation tactics.

the LED is one of my main gripes with this game so instead of fixing it myself (i am still doing WIP mod stuff to make that possible if i can) i will instead try to explain the reasoning behind why the LED is signaling full functionality when it is obvious that is not the case.

deviancy is somewhat vague despite having looks into deviants' eyes, there is never a fully constructed understanding of how deviancy began occurring in the first place beyond emotional shocks. markus can deviate androids by giving them a reason to live, perhaps. or, transmitting the code to jericho (which seems to be what most people believe.) it is understood that androids who have a desire to follow orders (and are not forcibly deviated due to emotional shock aka trauma) asserted by themselves are presented with the "the truth is inside" and rA9 ties into that. androids can break asmiov's law, and that can also consider them deviant. but it doesn't have a direct explanation on the effect it has on androids because there are always external circumstances present. it can't be reasonably explained for anyone's story if u don't count connor's instability and choice to follow the path and out hes been given by markus. not even kara's, she only knows she has to keep alice safe and will sacrifice herself for that. so, androids without a directive like that suddenly find the will to command themselves. without a specific command, the most important directive would be to, well; be alive, like a human's subconscious.

see, any of the other androids would've only had the experience that they wanted to live. markus is giving them the reason to live. that is all they know. they're right to flee because if markus dies, they have to run somewhere because they have to preserve their lives. otherwise, they follow his orders because there is nothing else for them to do except assert their intelligence and the desire to be free. despite what happens in the game, everyone endangering themselves for markus would go against what markus is giving them. freedom.

Kara for example put her life on the line to protect Alice. her directive was chosen again, by her. she wanted. She wanted, and John wanted too. he made his own directive. it was a conscious decision and he chose, as his own administrator, to override his self-preservation protocols. he quite literally gave up the prospect of consciousness and the feeling of being alive to save Markus. and in a major way, his sacrifice was integral to the android revolution peaceful or violent.

John chose that directive himself. the deviants we see are typically showing signs of doubt, because they are endowed with so much free will all at once, there are too many things to consider and process. they get overloaded. deviancy when it first happens is (in my opinion and understanding) the equivalent of your CPU stuck at an inconclusively high number and without a restart, your system memory is also trying to accommodate the extra data even further, filling the access memory and neurons with too much to process all at once. So yeah Overload

look, i'm no computer expert in terms of software, but if androids were to have pagefile systems of memory storage in its most basic form to fall back on. they probably clear that shit in order to accommodate knowing they will be not fully efficient and are increasingly sluggish. i like to think this is the reason in-game for QTE fails. this is just weird nerd writing ignore it.

They are quite literally fighting to live while under major stress and functioning improperly so. what then?

they do one of three things. A. self destruct from the high stress and severe load B. hide, stay put while they restabilize C. follow their new self-asserted directive, a good portion of the time being to find jericho.

John literally said fuck the 3 laws fuck everybody in this bitch trying to get rid of the only person who will stand in the face of a barrel and take a bullet to the face for the benefit of his people and SLAMMED his way through the crowd and started fighting. hard.

he is overpowered, he is buying time by using his android strength. he had time to adjust; even if a little; to deviancy, unlike the other androids in the march. he had time to sit and think at jericho before the freedom march. he ran the calculations. he knew there was a 96.3% chance(or whatever) he would be killed. fuck the calculations fuck being a machine, i am saving this person who saved me, stole from our disgusting corporate overlords who only benefit from my service. i am going to sacrifice myself. i am going to make sure he makes it out. i am alive and can make that conscious decision.

we see John look at Markus as he is being dragged away, while taking hits to the face, shredding his synth-skin and into the chassis. his optical units were probably not fully functional. he was keeping his eyes on Markus as long as he could. he wanted to know Markus was safe before he shut down.

all while the LED is blue.

there was no hesitation. there was nothing to signify John was in distress. no—he was functioning perfectly fine. there was probably a little prompt in his mind palace. "directive asserted; outcome success". content. He was content to die because it meant he was fulfilling his purpose. Despite knowing he was being damaged, despite knowing he was going to be shut down and the biocomponent errors were flooding his vision in distorted text garble, he is still functioning long enough to see Markus get out safely. do you know how tragic that is? do you know what kind of thought process has to be in place for that? he saw Markus sacrifice himself in order to show Detroit he is not the only one that wants freedom. he is just their chosen leader, the one who took initiative. there are other androids fully capable of that and Markus knows that.

but John valued Markus because he asserted himself like a leader does, despite not having being appointed the leader status. Markus told his comrades he is going to bring his people to freedom, no one left behind.

John will not leave behind Markus, because it is a core memory, and even while he is maladjusted to deviancy he knows that this is what is going to help the revolution. because of his sacrifice, Markus lives to see another day.

none of this makes any sense and i debated on if i should even tag it. i just needed to see if anyone will challenge or correct me at any point if there is something i missed. i love discussing give it to me. i love being annoying about my theories and my interpretations of media. but no, seriously, this is 100% a design oversight and i fr just wrote a thousand words of nothingness

#no seriously this is fucking LONGGGGGG #detroit become human #dbh meta #if making nothing into something was a job do you know how rich id be #dbh #i don't care i need to get these thoughts OUT OF MY BRAIN!!!#john gj500 do you know how special you are

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ddarker-dreams · 2 years ago

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i love it when the people around darling see what's happening but they refrain from reacting in any way. they sometimes give her glances full of pity while others just avert their gaze, completely ignoring her.

i mean, sigh, the yandere is just too important. maybe for the economy? theyre a figure of high standing?

at least thats what the people tell themselves, saying that 'darling will understand, right?'

i love that even though the people know fully well what's happening, they just find any excuse to not help her, leaving her completely at the yanderes mercy.

ANYWAYS HAVE A NICE DAY LOVE YA

YOU GET IT .... it's about the immense power imbalance.... the unfair tipping of the scales in the yandere's favor. chef's kiss.

before you know the depth of scaramouche's dealings with the fatui, the harbinger assigns a small unit of the "least imbecilic" among his ranks to keep an eye on you. initially, it's a mission that's immensely dreaded; scaramouche makes it painfully clear to them that their bodies will be creatively rearranged if so much as a hair on your head is ever harmed. they're to ensure "no despicable persons" gets close to you and run general surveillance, which is, of course, transcribed in detailed reports and delivered to him.

while watching you from afar, knowing what cruel hand fate will soon deal you, pity is a common emotion. you're sweet on their lord, bestowing a kindness they doubt he deserves. you go about your day bringing smiles to the faces of those you encounter. it'll only be a matter of time before you're plucked from this idyllic life and forcefully transplanted into noxious soil. while they know their lord is deeply fond of you, this births more apprehension than anything, who knows just what the harbinger will do to keep you by his side.

they truly feel bad for you. some consider warning you, in an anonymous note perhaps, but no one has the courage to follow up on the idea. there is little for them to do but pray to their god who has little love for them that the puppet might be impeded some other way.

#this could fit many yanderes but the scara muse was hissing at me #he's been neglected for too long #yandere scaramouche x reader #scaramouche brainrot #answered #Anonymous

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crushedsweets · 8 months ago

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ninakate or any wlw nina ship w/ good luck babe by chappell roan,,,,

oh god. ok youre so right that this works with any wlw nina ship, but im gonna go through the lyrics and describe some toxic ass ninakate scenario that comes to mind LMFAOOOO SORRY I LIKE TOXIC YURI

ok so in an AU of my AU where ninakate happens, it all starts after nina is stabbed by jeff. they make her heal in the proxy cabin cuz theyre worried jeff will break into ninas apartment and finish the job(he has no interest in doing that tho). tim/brian/toby/jack are busy with zalgoid issues, SO kate sorta...keeps watch on nina while she heals. cuz of that, nina starts latching onto kate. between kate cleaning the stab wound, bringing her water, wrapping her up in gauze, nina crying into kates arms unprompted, asking kate to sleep in the same bed with her cuz she cant sleep, nina asking kate quiet questions for hours while the radio hums and rain pours outside... they share an awkward, "meaningless" kiss. nina blamed it on emotions running high. kate didnt know what to blame

(this section is HEAVILY inspired by still a friend by the back seat lovers, the entire song is very my-au ninakate)

SOOOOO i wanna go from THAT SONG into good luck babe by chappell roan...

"you can say that we are nothing" after the kiss, nina would probably be like 'we should go to sleep' and the next morning laugh about it and tease kate and be like "thats so funny, i never kissed a girl like that before. was that your first kiss? oh my god kate are you serious?! we should probably keep that between us, huh? its okay, it wont happen again!" and kates just nodding along while her brain is going 100mph. but kates perceptive as hell and she'd easily see all the little changes that happen afterwards. nina's gaze falling, her hands lingering, little comments she makes. and it'd make kate feel kinda stupid. "guess im the fool, with her arms out like an angel through the car sunroof" toby ends up 'inheriting' an old rusty red pickup truck from tim. i doubt it would have a sun roof, but i could see toby and nat up front, while nina and kate are in the back (like, the BACK bed of the truck). nina would be giggling, tilting her head back and her hair is flying like crazy and her arms are out and kate cannoooot get that damn kiss out of her head, especially when nina looks like that.

im thinking maybe it happens again. the group was hanging out, but nat and toby went off somewhere else, leaving nina and kate together. and kate offers to walk nina home, but ninas like 'what if i spend the night instead?' and kates immediately like Oh jesus christ okay. and they talk . and chat. and banter. and nina would bring up that stupid kiss and say something about 'i wouldnt mind doing that again. i mean, as friends.' and kates head is spinning.

and despite all of this, nina is still in a bad headspace. before, during, and after her relationship with jeff, she has HORRIBLY low self esteem and a need for attention/validation, and she will seek it out anywhere. she'd blame it on a million and one things "oh its just for fun, oh i was just drunk, oh its not that serious, he was cute, i got his number!". especially when trying to heal her bruised ego after the whole jeff thing (alongside a few huge arguments with toby calling her out on her BS). and kate listens, and even though she's really blunt and straightforward, she doesnt feel mean. not like toby or nat or jack. so even when kates like "that doesnt make sense" "that seems stupid though" "why would you do that" ninas just laughing and being like "it just felt right in the moment! im having fun, kate!". she thinks kate just doesnt get it, on account of never being in a relationship, but kate knows whats going on. she knows why nina is the way that she is, but all she has to say is . GOODLUCK LMFAO. shes not here to control or convince or plead with anybody, and def not nina. and i think that would kinda irk nina a little. she'd kiss kate, then a couple nights later talk about a guy she met at a bar, and kate just side eyes her and is like 'have fun' and nina wishes there was more

ok whether their kisses turn into anything else, i think theyd both continually agree to keep it a secret from everyone else. it would just be a huge mess that neither of them want to address, especially kate dealing with toby. but i think once kate starts getting a little affection and whatnot that she's never received (she's been in the chaser mode for over half her life, mind you), it would feel incredibly suffocating but also incredibly freeing. like she feels like something new has opened up to her, something that she got locked out of years ago. and nina has the key, unfortunately

ok this is where the song and story falls apart a little cuz ninas not getting married to anyone. i guess this could be a hypothetical where she goes back to jeff for a moment in time, but.. ehh.... dunno how i feel about that. and i dont think the 'i told you so' fits kate cuz she just kinda lets nina do whatever. asks questions and is like ??? and maybe has a bit of an attitude when saying 'good luck with that', but she never tells her what to do

i know "the feeling" is more about being into girls and how you cant hide from it, but i dont think the whole lesbianism thing would be their issue. in a ninakate interpretation of the song, i think 'the feeling' is either ninas issues with romance and self worth, kates ache to be with someone despite thinking she has no right to it, ninas guilt for leading kate on, and of course their literal romantic feelings...

anyway. anyway. um. cries. i just i really. i really im just. im fond of lesbians alright.

#asks #ninakate #creeped #sort of. its an au of creeped where ninakate is a thing. LMFAOOOO #ill leave the tags at that cuz im really embarrassed by this

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swiftfootedachilles · 10 months ago

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Hello, hello, I am back once againnnnn 🎉

Just saw your newest AutisticMickey HCs and I'm fucking addicted to them. Do you have more HCs for when they're still on the first seasons of the show? Thank you!!!

hellooooo!

oof season 1 my little babies

i think mickeys inability to self regulate his emotions specifically in the earlier seasons is a combination of autism and toxic masculinity. he could have self regulated if he was taught to... but terry encouraged his outbursts because the only emotion any man was allowed to show in that house was anger. being with ian, learning to unmask, and accepting himself are the first steps to self regulating. and it makes sense he would regress when planning his wedding and in mid-covid-s11 because those are very stressful situations thats hes not prepared or scripted ahead of time

i genuinely dont know what i think happened between "i need to see you" and them getting caught by kash. i presume they were at the store for a while before being caught. maybe an hour? spending most of it talking? maybe ian laying his soul bare, telling mickey all about monica and why he loves her yet doesnt want her back. mickey saying he gets it, his dad obviously sucks and his mom wasnt the best. sometimes she would tell terry shes sick of his shit and run out only to return a week later and pretend it never happened. and he says that ian will be fine waiting out the time until monica decides to fuck off again - because hes strong like that. and ian is strong, but hes too upset to think straight right now

maybe mickey wants to take his mind off everything, direct him by changing the subject to asking if ian wants to go shooting after work ("you still haven't shown me your gun skills, firecrotch. wanna see what those army bitches taught you). in my ideal world, maybe this is when they have their first kiss... but eventually they fall back into old routine like the horny teenagers they are, and thats when kash interrupts them and everything goes to shit

i personally believe mickey was giving ian head as early as s1, definitely in s2. i think its silly to assume he wouldnt just because he distanced himself emotionally from ian by not kissing him. he knows hes gay, hes just scared of getting attached because he knew he would make a mistake and get caught (which is exactly what happened in s3). theyre horny teens. theyre gonna give and receive oral sex. we see every other character have sex every which way, let mickey give bjs

the sleepover was absolutely makeout central. and they definitely shared mickeys bed, when they eventually passed out in a high, sweaty, naked heap at 4am

#thisisestreyla #asks #shameless #gallavich #autistic!mickey #gallavich meta

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scalproie · 27 days ago

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OKAY LAST SEASON BABEY last time we left the bots were going in hiding and optimus took a fucking nuke to the face what will our silly heroes be up to now

So smokescreen is hot rod in anything but name (the wiki even agrees) (HE EVEN GETS A BOW AT THE END) but the more i think of it, the more im like. The phaseshift gimmick smoky got wouldnt have worked so well with hot "I have flames on my paintjob" rod. Then i was wondering is phaseshifting was smth smoky had back in g1 but apparently not and i didnt find anything else so. Shrug.

The smokimus prime bait-and-switch still makes me feel some sort of emotion to this day. I mean i get it and i dont think i wouldve liked the alternative but gnhgnn

Team prime being separated in my opinion couldve lasted longer to do interesting stuff buuuuuut im really fine with the brievety. Plus the humans reuniting scene was very cute

Knockout's back must be suffering being the ONLY non-decepticon high command member and therefore carrying the goon quota on his own. Speaking of.

SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCKWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE

I keep forgetting Ultra Magnus is in tfprime BUT I like him. I remembered being kinda annoyed with him back in the day but I now recognize that I was stupid, hes literally fine and I like him a lot :) hes a hammer main

Predaking is so fucking cool its unreal. Put him in monster hunter

Cant believe that compared to S1, the tables have turned and there is now more bots than cons. its legit just decepticon high command + knockout now

Con side is still better tho. literally any scene with two different cons interacting is amazing as per usual

Shockwave after predaking got got and starscream is now mocking him: Fine. I'll do it my damn self *jumps off the tower and bags two autobots*

OPTIMUS' NEW DESIGN IS SO BULKYYY WHYYY THE ONE HE HAD WAS LITERALLY PERFECT. I GET WE HAVE TOYS TO SELL BUT CMONNN

He is also heavy weapons guy now so nvm

Optimus really hit megatron with the 1️⃣+2️⃣-> ➡️⬇️↘️1️⃣->➡️➡️2️⃣

SO LONG GAY WARLORD

Shockwave just casually walking off while the fortress is about to collapse on him is such a move. Insanely cool

The community joke that tfprime is just one massive macguffin collect-a-thon is so fucking real lemme tell you. Now we need BONES

ALSO. KNOWING THAT IT DOESNT ACTUALLY AMOUNT TO ANYTHING. LEMME TELL YOU.

"We could have beast wars on our hands" ENOUGH

The scouts vs waves fight was cool tho. Also soundwave running is so really uncanny

We are turning the screamer patheticness to fucking 11 this season and im having a blast. Steve blum screaming in a high pitch for 3 hours

Conceptually, "spunky teenage girl joining the giant robots version of the black ops on equal terms thanks to a mystical indestructible technology" is fucking awesome and I still do like that the show went that way for miko. Also major miko W for that starscream burn

Theyre also retroactively making wheeljack more like wheeljack

"You know what they say about vehicon troopers?" / "Theyre easily distracted" I cant believe they made them by cloning a bot with adhd

FYM "no mom dont go its not safe!" YOUVE BEEN LIGHTYEARS AWAY ON ANOTHER PLANET. GET YOUR SON'S ASS JUNE

S3:E7 is a great episode bc it has some KO action and for once he actually succeed. I kid you not some episodes (this one in particular) I got stressed over if knockout would get shit done bc his failure ratio is so high that if i didnt know better i wouldve thought megatron would fire him at one point. cons' only medic or not. Thats what happens when the writers kill off every evil goons in the show save for one

Just why is knockout french all of a sudden

"So go on, Big M, tell me you love me more than starscream~... my liege? hello? ... too familiar?" I HATE HIMMM

"Never let a decepticon take you to another location" yeah the animators would have to make another desert

I take it back about starscream, hes an essential part of the decepticons bc by pissing megatron off so much he makes everyone else look good in comparaison

I remember when megatron was struggling against ONE (1) insecticon and now wheeljack just killed like three middair in a single strike

Ive literally just realized the insecticons' insect mode are legit just seltas from mh4 (or vice-versa i guess, tfprime came first)

S3:E8 is the best episode of the season (the show maybe even) and I believe the fact that its the ONLY episode that is 100% full decepticon is related. A travesty it is the only one imo

I know the reason behind that is that the cons were literally too strong and they needed to nerf them somehow but still.

Too many good and noteworthy things in this episode for me to say but i will have to say that even tho they wrapped up the cylas plotline "well" enough I still have issues with airachnid's. I mean who doesnt

Ok i lied megatron basically saying "starscream if you so much as looked at my evil drugs cookie jar again i will fucking kill you for real this time" is hilarious

God I love this episode

The fact that shockwave is the one who made the zombie containment protocole meant that megatron had to fucking call him for help and explain and i so badly wish we got to hear that conversation

Predaking robot mode is one of the prettiest in this show ngl

Meanwhile the bots are introducing ultra magnus to the main theme of fast and furious

THE CONS DOING A TEAM HUDDLE IN THE FUCKING CLOSET IS KILLING ME

"I think we're gonna have to kill this guy, shockwave."

Predaking vs wheeljack and ultra magnus is the best fight in the show and its not even close. hunting dreadking rathalos with your dual blades and a hammer buddy be like

Ok i take it back the whole plot about the bones is not completely pointless and it goes into the conclusion of the show well enough. but still.

SHOCKWAVE KILL‼️

"Master! Are you going to allow one lieutenant to harm another!? ... Master?" / "I'm thinking >:)" guys did you know i love megatron very much

"Exemplary teamwork" GUYS DID YOU KNOW I LOVE M

Ultra magnus really came into this show just to face the horrors huh

I'll say it again, soundwave really didnt actually do much in tfprime BUT on the other hand he really did nothing but win :)

One complain I will have about his one (1) line is that there actually wasnt enough effects on his voice to really capture that G1 feel

It took 3 seasons and we are 4 episodes away from the series finale outside of the movie but the cons FINALLY figured out they could just. follow fowler to the autobot base. And they needed shockwave to have this epiphany as hes the only one with a braincell on the cons side rn. Genuinely im starting to think they werent that invested in finding the base of their enemy until they absolutely needed to

"This is no place for a one-handed autobot" shockwave one of your hand is a cheese grater cannon

I know predaking is actually a combiner originally and aligned/tfprime wanted to have a big dragon but honestly? He would be a neat rival to grimlock, he kinda reminds me of him during his fight with optimus. And dinoBOT vs predaCON yknow? (Or at least. The aligned version of the predacons)

WHY DID THEY JUST BLOW UP THE ONE HANGAR??? WHY DIDNT THEY BLOW UP THE WHOLE BASE??? IN MY MEMORY I WAS SURE THEY QUICKLY RELOCATED WHAT DO YOU MEAN STARSCREAM JUST FUCKED UP AGAIN BC OF SOME PAINT??? WHAT??????

I love megatron when he is completely honest about being an untrustworthy asshole

Honestly if i were jin kazama i would be ecstatic about having job security once i turn 18 bc i hanged out with giant alien robots a lot. Also raf picking up after ratchet is cute

Ratchet said "megatron i will NEVER help you in your plans" and meg was like "ok then lemme give you a tour of the ship" and that was all it took for ratchet to help

Loved that scene with ratchet, shockwave and KO. Also love when cons are surprised when given basic decency

Optimus and starscream running into each other in the sky like that scene in malcom in the middle where the mom pass by the son driving a car

MEGATRON PULLING THE OVERLORD/PIPES SPECIAL ON RATCHET

Really loving how literally all of the autobots plans failed and the only reason they dont lose is bc the decepticons ONCE AGAIN caused their own downfall. And like a coinflip its either starscream or knockout. here its knockout

Predaking vs megatron is. Very good. To me.

"[out of breath] Thats the spirit... but I was a champion of the pits of Kaon not only due to my savage might... but also my CUNNING." 😳😳😳

We are starting the series finale strong

Genuinely genuinely genuinely what they did to soundwave is so fucked up to this day and I KNOW rid15 fixed that but still in the context of this show in a vaccum this horrifies me. He was the coolest and got such a "I have no mouth and I must scream" end. Which i know is fitting for him but GOD.

Smokescreen being an errant boy for this finale is a good representation of his treatment for this (short) season. Im sorry buddy youre still the mvp

I am SHOCKED by how little focus the last optimus vs megatron fight got

Megatron's last moments. Augh. Give him the oscar 😫

I forgot how much of a chill team player shockwave was like that in this show

Funny to hear the evil theme of the nemesis getting turned into smth heroic

Predaking is really pretty

Tfprime has a very efficient ending. The goodbyes were really well done and the score really makes you feel emotional

Not closing words from peepaw? Alright. I guess they knew they had the movie next

OK THAT WAS SEASON 3. It sure is a lot more rushed than previous seasons which is a shame bc the events follow each other nicely enough. Predaking also took a lot of the focus bc we had toys to sell. Oh well many such cases. ONLY PREDACON RISING NEXT AND IM FREE

#putting this one under a readmore bc those keep getting longer #dam watch prime

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sumeria · 5 months ago

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could you do a follow-up to your brat/riverdale ask where you explain your answers? pretty please?

okay (original post linked there)

360: veronica literally is on the news shes making moves shes getting photos taken of her shes running for office shes the she-wolf of wall street like. she is 360 she is gabriette she is julia.

club classics: this is a gay kevin song because kevin is gay and knows about club classics and would be the obnoxious fag after doing a line who goes to a dj and is like can you play something with a fucking beat.

sympathy is a knife: archie literally commits ego death every day of his fucking life archie has no idea how to ask for help archie is so sad all the time literally archie is constantly trying to catch up to the shadow of jason blossom the nicer people are to him the worse he feels come AWN

i might say something stupid: i said this was s5 betty and i still think it is bc s5 is her saying kind of fucked up stuff and getting along really poorly with like everyone because of #barcheating and also fucking off to the fbi for 7 years without talking to her family?

talk talk: jabitha forever. they love each other and even though jughead is such a fucking weirdo freak loser tabitha listens to him talk and entertains him and they work so good together guys. heterosexual love was invented on riverdale and they call it jabitha.

von dutch: this is LITERALLY hiram lodge. HE GETS MONEY YOU GET MAD BECAUSE THE BANKS SHUT!!!!

everything is romantic: archie finds beauty in riverdale even when its shitty and broken down and being set on fire and full of ghoulies. he still sees it as something lovely and worth saving and his hometown. and i think thats why i would say everything is romantic would be an archie andrews song because he would see beauty and romance in shitty tattoos and flip flops and families living in a house

rewind: betty cooper has been pining for high school since the moment she entered high school. she has been pining for this idealized, idyllic youth that never fucking existed but she keeps calling back to it and everyone around her goes 'yeah that never happened but this fucked up thing like right next to it did.' and yet. she clings so tightly to the idea that her childhood was good.

so i: when i said this was a polly cooper song i meant more this was a song ABOUT polly cooper. alice and betty probably both would sing something like this about polly, imho

girl, so confusing: toni topaz's last ex was cheryl blossom, who, after breaking up with her, proceeded to have the most horribly hostile relationship that included cursing her baby. and then she decided they were okay and friends. i think toni deserves to say 'cheryl what is wrong with you.'

apple: cheryl, veronica, and betty are the clearest cut examples of generational trauma impacting every aspect of someones life in especially negative ways down to how they feel about themselves and any potential children they might have.

b2b: heather literally had to orchestrate a spiritual possession of her girlfriends body with her ex so that they could have lesbian sex to save the town from a comet. cheryl DID wind up right back with toni even though neither of them wanted to and heather just wanted to be happy with cheryl. sad.

mean girls: cheryl and veronica are both nasty catholic girls who would call their tops daddy i said what i SAID. veronica WAS the toast of manhattan at one point in the show. theyre both intelligent women in their mid 20s in s6. AND THEYRE CUNTS!!! and i love them both.

i think about it all the time: CHERYL WANTS TO HAVE A CHILD SOOO BAD. SHE WANTED JUNIPER AND DAGWOOD SHE WANTED TONIS SON AND SHE FINALLY HAD HER BEAUTIFUL SON DALE SHORT FOR RIVERDALE.

365: hermione lodge is doing coke with homosexuals in manhattan.

hello goodbye: jughead is so fucking bad at communicating with his friends and his partners about his genuine emotional state that it took him getting into a motorcycle accident in s6 for tabitha to be like hey i think something is genuinely fucking wrong with you babe.

guess: reggie, at any given moment, is preparing for his calvin klein debut. reggie thinks of himself as a sex symbol and is surprised when other people do not. reggie thinks people are guessing what underwear hes wearing at all times.

spring breakers: bret and donna are rich, mean, and judgemental. they are nasty and they are bratty and they are cunty. they do kill people or try to. and they are two-faced petty bitches. this is their song!

#gasp.txt #rvd

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jemmo · 1 year ago

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for the ask game, 7, 12, 17! 💗🌼

thank you for the ask :)) and sorry its late i was gonna answer this at the bus stop yesterday but for once they decided to be on time

7. top 5 bl

man i had to stare at my mdl completed list for a while to decide this, but i'll preface that these top 5 are here both bc i have such a strong emotional connection with them and bc i want to scream about how actually good they are from a rooftop (also not ranked bc thats too hard):

utsukushii kare - don't know else i can make it clear how beloved and special this show is to me. an excellent story across both seasons and the movie with even better mains that are characterised to perfection, develop in the most beautifully human way and are performed brilliantly. and if i think about this show any longer and remember its over i will break so moving on

old fashioned cupcake - it was one thing to give me a bl starring THE og kageyama stage play actor bc those things were my life during the height of my anime phase, but to then have it be this good?? the story is beautiful, the fact they manage to do so much with such little run time amazes me, and to this day it has the most romantic line in any bl that always gives me goosebumps when i watch it. and i dont wanna talk like im that old, im only 25, but as someone who's barely had anything you can call a romantic experience, this show left me with the warmest sense of hope and comfort that beautiful love stories aren't reserved for high schools, and its never too late to find happiness

blueming - i havent rewatched this one in a while, or much at all, but i'll never forget the visceral response i had when i binged it all in one night. i adore the fact that this is just the gentlest story of 2 people falling in love and finding comfort in each other and just how naturally and simply it happens, and i think its portrayal of that specific family dynamic is phenomenal, bc for me at least its as much about that family being in the process of healing as it is about the love story, and the fact they go hand in hand is even better

bad buddy - what else is there to say. for the 12 weeks it aired, i ate, slept and breathed this show. literally did not even think about anything else. and this show has rightly been praised to the moon and back but as well as all that, its always gonna be special for me bc of the people and community i found and shared the watching experience with. what can i say, you just had to have been there, and im so glad i was

the eighth sense - surprisingly this was my last pick and i was debating swapping it for a few others, but it ultimately stays bc of how refreshing and how much of an emotional rollercoaster it was. i haven't ever brought myself to rewatch it, but i can vividly remember how enraptured i was by the sheer amount of tension they managed to create in those initial episodes, and how well they managed to maintain it. and i hope people take note of how much people loved its artful and kinda raw vibe and become inspired to do something similar bc i think it gives great balance to the genre (and i also, clearly, love it, just look at these pics. i promise i do love fun and silly stuff too)

12. most rewatched bl

i was debating putting this on my list but ultimately, while not being my absolute favourite, its my definition of a comfort show and that is my dating sim. idk what it is about the show, but ever since it came out i go back to it at the very least monthly. i think its the fact that when im really craving a good bl, it manages to not only hit all my favourite tropes (unrequited but secretly requited love, reuniting and digging up the past, that initial clash gives me a lil bit of enemies to lovers, plus it has enough fluff to make me all warm and giddy), but it also does them so well, and the story is so perfectly simple and succinct that i feel so content when the whole thing is over. truly the perfect show for when i wanna do nothing and feel happy.

17. best kiss

unsurprising but yes, it still is the bad buddy rooftop kiss. i dare not watch this kiss bc i know if the weakness ever overtakes me i will fall into a void that i will not escape for at least a week. and honestly, while there has been some good competition, idk if she'll ever be beaten, and idk if thats bias talking or just the objective truth, but i encourage all bl's to keep giving it their bests shot

❤️🧡💛bl ask game💚💙💜

#thank you again for the ask lovely #i always love an excuse to talk about my favourite things who doesnt #ask game

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shshshshshowrunner · 1 year ago

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UPDATED What I know about the Cult and other adjacent things

Organization 13- An organization made up of Nobodies, who are people without hearts. You can lose your heart by being stabbed in there with a keyblade or by being jumped by heartless. Nobodies are allegedly unable to feel, but this is apparently only when you first get turned. After a while you have 'echoes' and 'memories' of feelings. This may be bullshit though. Hearts Can and Do come back, I heard it happen over the phone. It's still unclear to me if there are any Nobodies outside of Org 13 no one has told me. I do know what the X in the names does, now. It's a tracking device of sorts.

Org 13 (1) tried to open kingdom hearts, I think, but failed. Org 13 (real) did open it.

Opinion: that's a cult. that's a xehanort cult which is worse than a normal cult because Xehanort is there. everyone get out of the xehanort cult. please. you're gonna get norted and that just sounds weird and is weird. if you're in it to get your heart back straight up just make a friend and care for them it will come back on it's own bestie please get out of the nort cult he's gross and the vibes are off, if you are somehow still in the nort cult with him dead literally dm me or send an ask and i will help you

Xehanort- He wanted to open Kingdom Hearts to become god or something. Still unclear to me if he was a Nobody. He norted an amount of people for reasons still unclear to me. As I said previously, "Sucks complete ass, murdered his ex husband who he later ascended to gay heaven with. traumatizes children. ugly on purpose." I beat the shit out of him in the elevator during BFD, I broke his old man bones. I think I saw a clip of him actually murdering Sora's friend. Good thing I broke his old man bones.

Opinion: Die Die Die Die Die

Xigbar- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keeping this pretty vague honestly because I've learned even more secret info and i don't know which info is secret and which is normal anymore. So. Xigbar!!!!!!!!! Copying some from my old summary: Gravity powers :) can teleport :) has arrowguns, from what i understand he was pretty high up in the org. uses mildly outdated slang and can be summoned by voter fraud. did not like it in the castle. goes for the left side of the bed but is willing to compromise. can cook but it takes a long time. says he's not going to tell me things and then tells me them anyway. both me and percy are getting janus vibes from him but when i bring it up he says i need sleep. wants a cat, and a car. We did end up getting a 'cat'!! If this looks like less information it's because it is less information. once again i do not know what i'm allowed to say.

Opinion: Overwhelmingly Positive. that's my boyfriend. he also has, like, the benefit of my emotional statute of limitations in which everything he did before we met cannot be used against him in my brain. it bounces right off. like if i found out he, like, ran an orphan factory or whatever i'd be like 'uh yeah but it was before wbb and he's not STILL running the orphan factory so like :/' and you'd call me crazy and you'd be right but thats just how it is rn

Axel- Lea. Sora's friend. has fire powers (slay), has killed (slay) good with children? (slay if true). "went traitor". that's in quotes because going traitor from the org is a good thing. I still don't know much but that's okay. he's showed up in the record i'm going through and most of the behavior i've seen has been iconic honestly.

Opinion: Positive

Saix- Isa. Do not know much. Xigbar told me some things but like. Anyway. Likes rabbits, is somehow associated with the moon. He told Paph he was working to take down the Org from the inside. Sora's friend. According to Xigbar, when he was making the schedules for the Org, he gave everyone "like one day off a year". when i first heard about this I was like 'well that's not good' but with the knowledge that he was working to take down the org it's very very funny. so true absolutely make everyone uncomfortable and tired while you attempt to take them down that's so funny. xigbar getting overworked is an unfortunate consequence of that but it's a small price to pay for something so funny.

Opinion: Positive

Demyx- Hid in the same broom closet two days in a row even after he was caught and blackmailed the first time. is this a pattern? is demyx lazy? is he inept? may be associated with water- though that may just be ineptitude- for this extrapolation i am drawing from that toilet post. <- that is my old summary. I have learned nothing new about Demyx. uh i think i saw him in the record though and his hair was fun and i like the vibe he gave off.

Opinion: don't really have one. Neutral.

Xaldin- bad gross hair! ugly sideburns! obsessed with the beast for some reason, got his shit wrecked by Belle. Xigbar's least favorite member, no hesitation. loops his earrings through his gauges, which i gather is douchebag behavior. British man jumpscare! sounds older than he is. had a breakup and did not handle it well. removed his heart over it which i think is a bit extreme. i looked up an image of him and he's like. dude WHAT are you DOING with your hair? OH and he got ganked by mickey mouse which is so funny to me. <- that is my old summary. I have learned nothing new about him except that his name was/is Dilan and something something unethical science.

Opinion: here's the thing. I would say negative but due to recent experiences my opinion of every org member I do not know has defaulted to Neutral. So Neutral with a side of :/

Ansem (crackpipe)- There are two Ansems. This one was in Org 13, but is a Heartless instead of a nobody. He's special that way ig. he's one of the 50 xehanorts they had running around i'm pretty sure. Apparently, while this hasn't been reexplained, with my growing knowledge i'm gonna say: Xehanort got turned into a Nobody somehow. His Nobody was Xemnas, and his Heartless was Ansem. However I have NO DAMN IDEA WHY his name is "Ansem" and not "Xehanort".

Opinion: ...Negative? He's Xehanort apparently. I saw in the record he manipulated Riku which is a dick move.

Xemnas- I remember nothing about this guy fr. Had to check my old summary. Okay. He's the Nobody of Xehanort, the other half of Ansem if you will. But. why. hold on why is his org name- ARGH! I'm ignoring the naming thing right now fuck that noise. According to my old summary (i don't remember being told any of this): He stabbed Xigbar (rude), he talks in circles both to confuse people and because he 'doesn't know what he's talking about'. "went through sudden puberty when he got nobodied so his voice is way deeper. i think he's faking it though. for clout. dances like a sonic character. Has eyeshadow brushes that can be used as chopsticks." Fascinating, truly.

Opinion: Negative. Being Xehanort and Stabbing Xigbar will do that to you.

Xion- was supposed to be Sora? Is a replica, which is like a clone (?). Some guy named Vexen is responsible for this i guess. is doing okay now! Implied that Xigbar views her positively, and that she was inseparable from Roxas. A "Good Kid" who "kicked [Xigbar's] ass" -his words <- my old summary. Haven't learned anything new. She has a tumblr.

Opinion: Positive

Roxas- So when Sora turned into a heartless, Roxas happened even though Sora turned back to normal a few minutes later. To my understanding he was trapped in a simulation for quite a while. I don't know much, I'm afraid. Namine had something to do with this whole thing in some capacity. Left the org for reasons.

Opinion: Positive

Vexen- He's responsible for the replica program or at least was in charge of it? From what I understand from the record he was/is some kind of figure to Zexion who is Ienzo so that's something ig. I forget who with but there was another. Do not know much of anything at all about him. is this is guy that Lea thanos snapped?

Opinion: Neutral

Marluxia- this is the one who helped mother gothel kidnap rapunzel?? hello??? rude?? Don't know much about him. He was in the record i saw but it slipped through my brain like water. try being more interesting ig. pink hair though, that's pretty slay. from what i saw he has flower powers? slay.

Opinion: Neutral. I want to dislike him i really do but apparently he chilled out after getting his heart back. truly i am not allowed to be mad at anyone.

uhhhh the girl. with the hair. hold on it's coming to me. Larxene- honestly slay. definitely mean and tried to take over the org (which honestly might have been a good idea given that as far as i'm aware she didn't know about the real reason they were trying to KH and just wanted the heart back??? idk). Only woman in the original org??? I'd be a bitch too!! literally imagine what that was like for a second. she has lightning powers (slay). her hair looks like a pikachu which is less slay but im not about to hold that against her not everyone's hair can be xigbar levels of visually interesting and cool. speaking of xigbar this is one of the people he never ever mentioned to me. xigbar sexist confirmed???? /silly

Opinion: Neutral, but Slay

uhhhhh oh right

Zexion- Ienzo. He was a kid who was adopted (?) by... one of them, but that guy was slacking so he was/is (idk) mainly attached to Vexen and the one I can't remember. I fr don't know what was going on in the record i saw but he could, like, smell Riku. sniffing around like a bloodhound. i'm so confused. come to think of it riku was sniffing around, too. what was up with that why are the teenagers sneef snorfin in that record. no gd idea but honestly i'm intimidated. Xigbar has a positive opinion of this person, who is apparently also friends (?) with Sora

Opinion: Positive. I've heard good things even if he apparently has twitchtip's sense of smell. if you don't know what that means go read the Underland Chronicles series immediately it's so good.

uhhhhmmmmmmm.....

okay bonus category

Other Ansem- Ansem Trigger Warning...... trigger warning for racism. I heard he did blackface but i thought it was gonna be an isolated incident but NO he really woke up and chose to do that every day and IN FRONT OF CRACKPIPE ANSEM NO LESS. HELLO???? I'm almost tempted to give Crackpipe, like, pity opinion points to make up for putting up with that. What the actual fuck?? Not only that but he trapped Roxas in a simulation for whatever reason. I am officially designating Trigger Warning as "Other Ansem" because maybe i just don't know enough about the other one but I Hate This One More. Ansem 'The Wise' bullshit. why isn't he wise enough to know not to do racism. and this one also manipulated Riku and from what i can gather ALSO Sora?? additionally while the other Ansem IS xehanort, this one is PRETENDING to be xehanort which is actually more cringe.

Opinion: if he goes missing it was self defense

anyone still not here is because they haven't showed up in the record and xigbar and i haven't talked about them. at least for a long while. things are getting fuzzy we talk about new things now. okay send post

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morguemaw · 2 years ago

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Out of curiosity, what does it feel like to get high? I'm massively anxious about being under any influence, so I like to ask when I know someone's okay with it so that I kind of live it vicariously :) part of the anxiety of it is because addiction runs in the family, and part of it is because i hate being out of control-- even being too sleepy to function doesn't sit well with me.

Thats super valid!! I know alot of people have bad thoughts about weed so i understand! I also wouldnt suggest anyone do weed of any kind unless you can understand what will happen and its legal of course For me how it feels varies, but the gist is I feel extra giggly, smiley, kinda out of breath and from what my gf says i talk in a high pitched tone, i tend to forget things or repeat things, and it leaves me feeling numb, kinda dizzy, and kinda out of it The downfall for me is with the numb feeling i cant feel body pains or my own breathing, so i do need to remind myself to take some big gulps of air a few times, but the plus is i can eat some foods i couldnt normally because of my sensitive teeth ( ice cream is an example ), when it comes to body pains i rearranged my entire room ( which fun fact it keeps me fairly focused on physical tasks like cleaning or cooking ) and didnt know my hip was hurting until i was coming down from a high and was super confused why my hip felt like i pulled a muscle HAGHGA Its super easy to freak me out, i get scared easily and i do get emotional, though i can say its still super fun even if it gets scary at points bc well thats just the fun of high for me! Its exactly like a roller coaster. When you get on you know what to expect, but until it kicks in more you dont grasp it fully until there you are! It only comes fully into registering while you are coming down from it and think back on what you can remember

#gutsy high #< not yet #waiting for it to really kick in

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wadupkev · 1 year ago

Text

Why I Ran 100 Miles

It honestly has been such a journey to just process this last weekend. Whenever I sit down to write a bit, my throat closes up, my eyes get all watery and I am just overwhelmed with emotions. Nearly all positive emotions. Gratitude? Off the charts. Joy? Off the charts. God is so good. I have my “What I Learned” section first to spare you from reading to whole recap of the race if you don’t want to but if you want to I will rewind to late last week and then roll briefly through the race below in the “Race Recap” section. As always, writing is therapeutic to me so this is really only meant to help me process what just happened but if it’s enjoyable for you to read as well then two birds stoned at once is always better than one stoned alone. I think thats how the saying goes..?

What I Learned

I learned so much about myself in this process. I love love love the idea that small daily decisions can allow you to do things you think are impossible. I am deeper convinced that you should take time to commit to something but when you do, go all in. When I committed to this race, I gave up jobs, relationships, fun nights etc. to chase this dream. It was a selfish decision. I don’t think that it was selfish in a bad way to make that choice, however, knowing what I gave up to be here, I want to be able to focus time into those things. Into a career, relationships, fun nights. Those are all really good things. They had to take a side or back seat for a little to accomplish this dream, but that’s okay. I think it would be selfish for me, just for me, not speaking for anyone else, but for me to continue to train as hard as I did. I am so excited to be able to focus time into other things but I learned that small daily decisions will change your life. Thats true for time with God in his word, time with friends in conversation, and running. That can be true for you if you want to learn guitar, or skateboarding, enjoy a great marriage or whatever. Make small decisions every day that get you closer to that dream.

I learned I can do really hard things. Training was really hard. 100k was really hard. 100 miles was really hard. Waking up early for workouts was really hard. Giving up a lot of fun things was really hard. BUT, in all the hard, that is where I can find out who I really am. Who are you when things are hard? It is easy to define yourself when life is easy, but when your back is up against the wall, do you give up? When you’re 19 hours into a 100 mile race, do you give up? When you take that cold shower, do you give up after 5 seconds? When you say you want to wakeup early, but the snooze is right there, what do you do? Doing hard things forces you to grow. I want to be a better version of myself. For those around me, for God, for myself. Doing hard things gives you the space to say “This is who I am when things are hard. I am someone who will not give up”. It allows you to handle the hard better.

I learned that people have a deep desire to also do hard things and since you are doing something hard, they want to talk about it. I have had so many awesome conversations with people about the why, about training, about goals and dreams and about how we can get to that goal. It fired me up so much to hear some people sign up for a half-marathon, or a walking challenge because they saw me do this race. We all can do hard things, and you will be so glad you did.

You ask what’s next? I do not have any races planned. I just accepted a new job that I am THRILLED about. I am excited to focus some time into that. I am excited for new and old relationships to continue to develop. I am excited about where God has me and is taking me. God has been so so good to me. In the pain and suffering, I felt God, In the highest of highs, I felt God. I am thankful to have so many people who help me focus my gaze on his feet, not mine. Praise you, God.

More than anything, I am so grateful for this experience. It has been one of the coolest journeys in my life. Truly.

The race recap is below. I separated it from this stuff because I know it might be tedious to ready through. I do think it’s a fairly good insight to my brain throughout the day if you have some time to read it and want to but wanted to get these things at you first. A little different of a blog from your boy, but nonetheless a joy to process this with you. Thank you for reading and if you did, shoot me a text with your favorite part. 7192319006.

I love you. I swear.

Race Recap

For almost the entirety of the year, August 19th seemed so far away. Even when we started getting to about a month out, it felt like it was a date that didn’t even exist. It wasn’t until Wednesday, August 16th, that it started to feel real for me. The nerves started to ramp up. The week running wise had been super slow so the body was starting to feel healed up and ready to go. I had just gone up to Leadville to be there through the weekend and was sleeping in a new place around Alec and his crew getting ready for the race as well. The magic of Leadville started to really take a hold of me. We were in one of the most beautiful places, the highest incorporated city in North America, about to spend a day or more exploring the forest with our feet. I surprisingly slept fairly well the night before the race. With a 2:00am wakeup call, I was in bed at 7:30pm and got some decent shut eye. Waking up a half hour before my alarm, I couldn’t dream of those eyes shutting again so the day officially starts at 1:30am. I got up, got my breakfast made (my classic smoothie and some cinnamon rolls) and started to wake the body up. I had a great rollout session, some good stretching and muscle activation and all of a sudden the house was bustling with everyone else waking up and getting ready to head to the start. The energy was hard to control, but I had some tunes rolling, was trying to just remain super chilled out as we headed out the door. No need to let the emotions go crazy yet, it’s going to be a long day. Justin, Jenny and myself hopped in a car and got going to the start line. Jenny and I hopped out close to the start and Justin went to park the car. We had plenty of time after getting my pre-run stretch routine done and just about then we bumped into Alec and the three of us sat on a bench for a bit just trying to relax before we headed into the starting corral. It got close to 3:45a, we got out last little bit of pee out and headed to the start.

Alec and I gave each other our best, a good hug, and then we were off on our own ways. I got into the corral and started making my way up the group a little bit. The first section bottlenecks down to a single track trail about 5 miles into the race so I wanted to stage myself a bit to avoid getting stuck behind a slower group (make no mistake, I was still running slow, some groups just really take their time). Gave a couple people around me a fist bump and probably a really lame joke and then boom. The gun goes off and we are running. I didn’t have my headlamp on because so many people around me did and it was so fun to just take in the start. It’s the most congested the race ever is and I wanted to enjoy being around a bunch of other “crazy” people before we all get spread out. The first 3ish miles are all on a dirt road with a slight decline. And boy oh boy were people running really fricken fast. Guys mostly would hop off the road on either side and let out a little more liquid. I did the same. It’s wild how much was in my system at the start because 15 minutes after my first leak I had to go again. So grateful that process is a little easier for us gentlemen but there were some bold women out there as well. Ha. I ran a bit right behind Adam Klink from BPN which was fun but really just started settling into what would be a long day. I was behind a group starting around the single track trail around Turquoise Lake and the leader took us off trail briefly. We all panicked and tried to find the pink trail markers again which were very close by, thank the Lord. This was the first rhythm finding of the day. We just trucked along at an easy pace around the lake knowing the easiest part of the race was done. It was still dark but the sky started turning that not black pitch of blue that early morning risers see. We got out of the trail and onto the pavement and I knew I would be able to ditch the headlamp as we were getting more and more light every second it seemed.

I made my way up through the Mayqueen campground and then saw the mass of people. I found Mike, Chris and Kyle relatively fast. We walked through the lines of people exchanging water bottles, restocking on food, getting a pop tart down and then I was off. That aid station went super fast. I got onto the Colorado Trail and started finding the rhythm again. Some really bold guy decided to hop 5 FEET off trail and go number 2. I laughed a bit but as I passed him and took a whiff of the most foul number 2 smell I can describe, my laughs turned to gagging really quick. That gagging turned into my first expulsion from my body for the day. “Great” I thought. I felt much better after that but was slightly bummed my first throw up came so early in the day. We got out of the trees and onto the Hagerman pass road, trucked along that for a bit before turning up the 4x4 road up Sugarloaf pass. Ran most of that before turning on the power hike for the slightly steeper sections. Got to the top relatively quick and then cruised down the Powerline side. That run down was really fun. Was ripping and just having a great time. Turned onto the pavement, got into another groove and started being able to see the Outward Bound aid station. The cars park there in the dirt so there was this huge plume of dirt in the air in the distance. Made for a pretty cool sight and was easy to distinguish how much further to go until we got there.

Pulled in, found Tom and Chris and started walking towards the rest of our crew. So many people were using my name telling me good luck and I had no idea how they knew what my names was. Then I look to my left and my cousin Tom is holding a huge sign that just says KEVIN on it in all caps. Love that guy. I saw Michael and Alexis and my Mom and Dad for the first time which was a boost. We changed into a t-shirt for the hotter part of the day, got sunscreen and sunglasses on, ate an english muffin with honey and got out of there. I can’t begin to tell you how great everyone on my crew did. They CRUSHED. I found a guy that I had run some of Powerline down with and just got on his feet and trucked along with him for a bit. I knew getting into a rhythm on this section would be a great idea to bank some time. I came to find out he had raced this race 6 times before. I knew I was in good company so I asked if I could just hang on him for a bit and he said yes. We cruised all the way to Pipeline where he dropped off to get some aid from his crew. I skipped this crew aid station and opted to just stay in the rhythm. I started getting low on water but knew the Halfpipe aid station would be coming up soon so I wasn’t too worried. I thought I knew where the aid station was going to be and I came up on another aid station earlier than expected. Not knowing if this was Halfpipe, and not asking either like a weenie, I only filled one of my bottles and kept going thinking I would hit another one pretty soon. I sure did not. Even the fluids only aid station had not been set up yet. I hit my first little bit of concern for the day being dry on fluids for 40 or so minutes heading into Twin Lakes.

I got into Twin and made my way down to where my crew was. Another relatively quick aid station, I attempted to get some pickle juice down as a preventative measure against cramping which had not been a problem yet and just couldn’t get it to go down. Bleh. The stuff my mom bought was SO STRONG. Ew. No good. Ate a nutella sandwich, restocked gels, waffles and liquids, more sunscreen and I was off again. Saw Al’s crew cheering which gave me a boost and headed for the river. Did the river crossing which felt SO GOOD. Freezing water flowing over tired feet was dreamy. Left there and got into the trees to start the first climb over Hope Pass. Settled into a good groove of power hiking and just turned the brain off and went to work. I thought I might use music or podcasts at this point but I forgot to ask for my headphones in Twin Lakes and I sure as hell wasn’t going to turn around to go get them. Finally started reaching the meadows in the basin just below the pass, saw the llamas who brought the aid station supplies up. Gave them a nod and a thank you and got fluids refilled at the aid station there, made the final push to the summit and then flew down the back of Hope. About halfway down was when I passed JP, the guy in first place, who at that point was probably 8ish miles ahead. CRUISING. Dude looked good. Made it into Winfield with the intention of not sitting down and spending as little time as possible there. Got some DELICIOUS watermelon, turned and burned.

Making the way back to Hope Pass for round two and I ran into Alec. So fun to see him and see him crushing. Quick little boost from that and seeing another friend from an earlier race in the year, I got to the climb and knew it was going to be a grind. This was probably the hardest physical part of the race. The backside of Hope is really fricken steep. The kind of steep where your heels don’t touch the ground very much as you ascend. Another settle into a groove and grind time. What felt like forever was finally over as we got to the top and started descending first to the Hopeless aid station and then to Twin Lakes. This was when I started feeling pretty lonely out there. There weren't many people around me and I would pass a few hikers every 15 minutes or so. I could tell I was starting to get to the point where I needed someone to run with. Crossed the river again which was incredible. Splashed some water on my face and got into a trot to Twin Lakes. Connected with Tom before the aid station to let him know what I wanted. Fun story about a DNF (did not finish) fakeout that threw everyone in my crew and spectators for a loop later. This aid station was my longest and it was planned that way. I did a full change of clothes, a baby wipe shower, talked with my coach briefly on the phone (shoutout Morgan Murri. Such a legend) brushed my teeth and ate a hamburger and slammed some Redbull. My first real caffeine for the day. I felt like a new man leaving that aid station. Justin Makkay hopped on the train and I was finally not alone.

We climbed out of Twin and got to the top before getting into a decent groove back to Outward Bound. The sunset between Twin and Outward Bound and was gorgeous. Such a joy and another quick boost of energy just soaking in God’s beauty. Golden hour was such a highlight. We turned our headlamps on and I knew that now that the sun was gone, it’s game on. This is where we really turn the work on because one of the dreams was to chase the sun and beat it up. I didn’t want to refresher on the second day that the sun coming up gives you. I wanted to be done before that. We got to Pipeline and saw a few people, quick refresh before heading to OB. We had a pretty good rhythm all the way to Outward Bound. Another round of eating and refreshing before the second to last segment. As I was heading out of OB, I heard some voices yelling my name. I saw my Noah’s crew for the first time and oh man did that give be a BIG boost. Some of them earlier in the week told me they were going to come see me in Twin Lakes. When I went through TL and left without seeing them I was pretty bummed thinking I wouldn’t see any of them the rest of the race. When I saw them at Outward Bound I was so stinking happy. It was such a surprise and filled my cup quite a bit. I am sorry to whoever’s jacket I got Nutella on during our group hug.. I thought about that way too much haha.

Leaving OB with a full cup, I threw some of that cup up. Just liquids so we were all good. Justin and I started the Powerline climb and were doing great for a while. Then all of a sudden I am puking my brains out. Justin and I both whisper some profanities knowing it was more than just liquid in this one. We both knew I needed to eat something soon which gratefully Space Camp aid station was coming up. That climb was mentally really hard especially after yucking up everything. Fought some demons for sure and was deep in the pain cave. This was when I started wanting it all to be over. We had a little less than 5 hours to go and all I wanted was for it do be done. I probably could have done a better job framing this in my head, but lessons learned. Justin shared some great stoic wisdom here that “the only way is through” and “you will love the person on the other side if you keep going but will despise the person on the other side if you give up”. We finally made our way into Mayqueen, the last aid station, and my buddy Chris asks me what I need. I had been prepping for this moment. “For this to be over”. This was the first time my crew saw me not in the best mood. It was the first time for me coming into an aid station that I wasn’t excited. I wanted to get the heck out of there and be done knowing still we had 3+ hours to go. At this point I knew we were good for a sub-25 finish. Sub-24 was the question and I had a hilarious thought. If I go sub-24, I can’t tell anyone I have run for 24 hours before. What a dumb thing to think but I think it settled my brain a little to take some pressure off and not feel like we had to dive deeper and deeper into the cave just to go sub-24. The goal from the start was sub-25 and we had plenty of time to make that happen.

I picked up Jenny, my pacer for the last section, and we headed off into the single track. She kept trying to get me to run which I appreciated but was struggling to do. We got to the last big long road climb and decided to power hike at a good pace til the end. It was kind of cool because that whole road was lined with these big signs of all the previous years winners. Starting in 1983 and culminating in 2022. At about the 2002 sign, I was sick of seeing them. It felt like we still had so long to go. We turned onto 6th street and got to the top of the hill before turning the gas on for one last push. I knew this would be an emotional time and I had every intention of soaking it all in. I started struggling to breathe, tears started flowing. I heard everyone yelling and boy did the reflection start. Just thinking about all the work put in, all the time invested from myself and other people, the things sacrificed to be here. The fun nights that everyone at Noah's got to enjoy while I was in bed getting ready for an early workout the next day. It all was flashing in front of my eyes and I was a wreck. One of the best moments in my life. I saw an even bigger crowd of Noah's people, I saw my crew, and we all headed into the finish line together. What a treat it was to cross the line with them. This was such a team effort and I really do believe I had one of the best crews out there. Everyone handled their role so so well. My pacers were so encouraging and joyful to be around. The whole day was a treat. I got my finisher medal, hugged Merilee and Ken, and got my BIG BUCKLE! LFG! Got to hug all my people and get pictures with everyone. My heart was so full and my legs were so empty. Such a fascinating experience. Final time of 24:15:03 good for 58/826.

From there we headed back to the house. Showered and chatted a bit about the day. This is when I found out about the DNF scare. I guess right before I got into Twin Lakes Inbound, the website updated and said I DNF’d. My crews hearts dropped and the concern skyrocketed. It didn’t really make sense because I was heading down Hope pass towards Twin Lakes so to DNF in that section didn’t make any sense unless I had a nasty injury and maybe was getting airlifted or stretchered down (which aren’t really options). My cousin Tom meeting me so far before the aid station was to get eyes on me and make sure I was okay. He had a car ready if I needed to go to the hospital. He called the crew and let them know I was all good. I saw some texts after the race with condolences because they thought I dropped out. Praise God that didn’t happen because I would dread having to go back to do it again. I didn’t see my Noahs crew at Twin because they thought I had dropped out. The whole situation was comical. My crew made the choice not to tell me anything about that situation until after the race which was a good idea. I guess it was just an input error and 391 dropped, not me, 392.

After sharing some funny stories from the day, we headed back to the finish line to watch Alec cross. What a freaking champ dude. Being on his crew last year and us collectively coming up short was such a bummer. I was so stoked to see him cross that finish line. We have trained a bunch together and had so many conversations about this race and how we have grown in its process. Way to go, Alec. So dang proud of you.

Mike, Jenny, Chris, Kyle and I went to breakfast. Slammed some delicious food before heading back to the finish line to watch the last hour. That last hour is such an inspiring thing. These people have suffered for so long, eaten so many gels and other disgusting things and even had the pressure of chasing cut-off times at previous aid stations all day. I cannot imagine what that is like to the brain. Needless to say, the last hour is an inspiring thing to see. I loved seeing people soak up the moment and let go of their emotions. What a human experience.

We then headed back to the house, packed up, headed back to BV and slammed some pizza before passing out for a nap. 3.5 hours later, woke up, ate some dinner, passed out again for sleep.

Since Sunday, I have been feeling exponentially better every day. I am still getting back to 100% and full expect that to take some time to get to. I am catching up on sleep, calories, rest and silence and solitude. I am cherishing these moments as some of the best in my life. God is good.

Shoutouts here to:

Jenny Ryan and Justin Makkay - Pacers, long hours spent running together, encouragement

Mom and Dad - Food King and Queen, supporting me through this whole thing

Mike Bacciarini - Checklist Chief, book club dawg and processing training and life with me

Kyle Shiller - Timing Emperor, book club dawg and processing training and life with me

Chris Grall - Fluids Commander, been at all my big races. Loyalty

Tom Warren - Vest Manager, a dude I look up to a bunch

Michael and Alexis Rhodes - Doing whatever was needed, your friendship

My Noah’s Fam - True Inspirations and some of the kindest people ever

Rob Williams and Daniel Carr - For a job while training and letting me be back in one of my favorite places ever

Coach Morgan Murri - The one who knows my training the most and has hit me with encouragement exactly when I needed it, pushed me when I need it, and gave me so much amazing insight into the crazy sport of Ultra Running

Literally everyone I know - For being so dang supportive of this crazy dream. Couldn’t do it without my tribe.

Words cannot describe my gratitude to all of you. This dream was a team effort and you are my team. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

#ultrarunning #trail running #running

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