#everyone needs to ignore the fact that i have mental illnesses

[minhosimthings]

Guys is it bad that I started watching Suits and now I want Harvey Spectre to take me on his desk as hard as he can

[feralbeeast]

I do not feel Bonita ✨️

[astronomalyy]

Thinking about the lifespans of Dungeon Meshi elves... The fact that they're completely unnatural alters my brain chemistry, because you can tell just how haphazardly the demon implemented their wish. They live five times the length of tall-men, so they age at a fifth of their rate. It's simple maths and the implications are terrifying. No wonder their birth rate and population are declining - their early development is so slow that at the age of two, they're still unable to stand.

They don't reach adulthood until their eighties. What does the infant mortality look like? How many elves succumb to illness or injury before they're fully mature? It only takes one accident to lose the child you've been raising for decades - and could you bring yourself to care for another? Add to that the implication elf culture has no idea how to process grief... just look at the way the Canaries treat Rin after the death of her parents. They're callous and insensitive and detached - part of that's racism, but there's also an element of pure cold ignorance. They don't even recognise the emotion on her face.

And that's just scratching the surface... does elven memory accommodate their extended lifespan? Once you reach two hundred or so, do the years start blurring together? Kabru mentions that their temporal awareness is remarkably poor.

Two years feel like a few months. Their lives are longer but not fuller. They're older but not wiser than the short-lived races, and most refuse to understand this. Those that do grasp it are interesting - namely Otta, who's ostracised for pursuing half-foot women.

A 30-year old elf is a young child; a 30-year old half-foot has entered middle age. Otta is in the equivalent of her late twenties. She knows that her elven lifespan makes her no more mature than a half-foot - but she also acknowledges that it creates a rift between herself and her partners, and not just in the eyes of society. 'She dumps them as soon as they pass 30', but probably not for the reasons Lycion assumes. For this to be a pattern, decades must have passed - it's possible Otta doesn't want to watch them die as she herself barely ages. No doubt some of her previous lovers have already passed away. In the end, all living 400 years accomplishes is leaving them out of sync with the rest of humanity.

Marcille's perhaps the best example. As a half-elf, she's got 95% of her life ahead and the thought terrifies her. She's going to lose everyone she loves, over and over and over again, and this cycle has barely even started. She runs at a different pace. This context adds so much to her dynamic with Falin in earlier chapters.

Marcille loves her! She's scared for her! Maybe even of her! She's grown attached to a short-lived girl who she met as a kid when Marcille was a teaching assistant! Biologically and developmentally, they're the same age, but chronologically she's twice as old as Falin! Considering what happened to her mother, is history repeating itself? Her feelings towards Falin are tangled and messy and fascinating. They're also more than a little homoerotic, which makes Marcille's infantilization of her friend all the more interesting. It feels like her way of resolving their power imbalance, of remaining a responsible (former!) authority figure... but it's also a coping mechanism. She's frightened by the ways Falin is maturing and changing - aging - and keeping her mental image of her friend as young as possible is her way of denying the march of time that's destined to sever their bond.

Marcille's dream of lifespan extension would remove the need for this obfuscation, render them equal... only, they already are! This desire is imposed onto Falin, but it's primarily for Marcille's benefit. Watching her fight for a world nobody wants, for reasons both selfish and altruistic... it's as tragic as it is understandable. I love this manga.

[s0urte3th]

i mean, im not saying im.. bad i guess?

[koirankusema666]

Sit down and listen cuz I’m gonna be so real rn. This is gonna be a long one. It’s a serious topic but it’s positive I promise.

When I first made this account I was quite unfamiliar with the therian community on tumblr but so far it’s been more than welcoming. In fact, at first I thought maybe it was a bit too welcoming. You see I have never seen a community be so accepting of physical therians (holotheres, physical nonhumans and such) and at first I was a little alarmed because I myself have psychosis and sometimes have delusions that people misunderstand and I always thought I should treat other people’s delusions the same way people treat mine. That is, with disbelief and ridicule.

When I started reading about physical therians instead of being understanding and happy for them I got mad. I was livid. I took the acceptance and love of people like me as an attack and I thought people were invading my experiences as a delusional therian and I realized there was a whole new discussion on here that I haven’t heard of. I decided, maybe if I ignore that part of the community, everything would go back to the way it was before. Because I hated that all my life people have brushed my identity off as a thing to “fix” when all I wanted was… acceptance.

I was reminded of a person, though. Anna Lappalainen, the princess of Kellokoski mental hospital. No matter how much they tried to “fix” her, her delusion of being a princess never went away. And it got me thinking. Why is it that we want to erase mentally ill people’s voices and identities and brush these delusions off as things to “fix”?

Why can’t we just accept these identities as they are? Why do we have to tell people how they can and can’t identify? When you tell a physical therian they’re just a mentally ill human, do you really think you are in the position to say that? Did you really think you fixed something there? What, you think they’re just gonna stop?

There’s also something to be said about the human experience not being what it seems and our identities being more than but also encompassing our physical selves. If someone wants to physically identify as something, it’s not going to hurt you to respect that. Just like you wouldn’t go around calling trans men physically female men, you wouldn’t go calling physical nonhumans something they don’t want to be called.

I’m more than welcoming of physical nonhumans now. Because if I’m not, I would forever ignore a part of myself I need to address. And with that, I also want to come out as a shapeshifter. I know I can physically shapeshift, people say that to me all the time too, and it’s freeing to finally admit that. I’m not insane for this and I hope people will accept that. I’m valid, and so is everyone else with nonhuman/therian/otherkin identities, physical or not.

[issdisgrace]

Hi hello, would you mind writing sa male resder x Oscar piastri fluff? Like just something really tame, like cuddling in bed, or comforting him after a bad race, or taking care of him when sick, or maybe some angst? He gets jealous cause some guy is flirting with reader, but fluff would be really nice, hope this isn't too long 😭😭 thx

MY SICK BABY

WARNINGS: None

A/N: Sorry this took so long, have been neglecting my writing and basically all other aspects in my life. But I hope you like this none the less.

Oscar didn't get sick often. In fact, the last time he was sick was almost a year. But when he did get sick he wasn't just sick, he was sick.

So when Oscar started feeling ill Friday night, dread sunk its way into his stomach. He knew that this weekend would be hell for him and god was he right.

He woke up Saturday morning with a pounding headache and a stuffy nose. He took some meds to help with it before he went out to the track, which helped some. However, he still felt quite miserable and others could see it, but despite this he had managed to qualify pretty good. Anyway, it was later that night everything just got worse, and the coughing started. He felt like he was suffocating, his chest hurt, he couldn't sleep, so he ended up calling you.

You were really concerned when you got a call from Oscar at 1 in the morning. But as soon as he started talking it was clear why he was calling you. He was sick. You felt bad as you listened to him explain everything. You suggested a couple of things that would hopefully help, which he appreciated, and you ended up staying on the phone till he fell asleep.

Then Sunday came, and despite your suggestions and some meds he still felt and now looked like hell. But he pushed himself, ignoring everything his body and others were telling him. He was going to race today even if it killed him. When he got out on the track, he felt surprisingly good and raced his ass off getting p3. Then he came in and his adrenaline came down and he felt worse than he did before. He had just made it through podium before he yacked up the contents of his stomach. He was grateful that the team didn't force him to do media after and just sent back to his hotel.

He managed to get some rest, which did him some good but before he knew it he 8pm and he needed to head to the airport for his flight home. Oscar was happy to be going home, and that flight was only 2 hours, but god those 2 hours were the absolute worse in his life. The turbulence was god awful, everyone and everything was just to loud, he had a hard time keeping whatever was left in his stomach down, and his nose just kept running.

By the time the plane landed around 11pm, he was ready to just cuddle up in bed with you and sleep for the next 24 hours. Picking Oscar up from the airport, you asked questions about how he was feeling wanting to gauge what you needed to do to help him feel better. Oscar told you and you made a mental note of everything as you headed home.

Once you guys were home, you got Oscar into pajamas and then got him some cold medicine and some soup that you had made earlier. He happily had to the soup as it was his favorite chicken noodle. But he reluctantly took the cold medicine because it tasted god awful. But he took it like the good boy he is.

You then got him all tucked into bed with the tv playing some old detective show that Oscar liked to watch. Kissed him goodnight and told him if he needed you, you would be asleep in the guest bedroom. Oscar wished you stayed with him, but he knew you didn't want to get sick as well.

Anyway, it was around 6 am when Oscar woke up. He felt hot and ill and quickly got out of bed to throw up the contents of his stomach into the toilet. Having woken up early and hearing the shuffling, then the throwing up, you quickly rushed to Oscar. Siting on the floor beside him, rubbing his back trying to soothe him.

You sit with him rubbing his back until he done throwing up. After he’s done you carefully get him back into bed. Then go and get the thermometer to take his temperature. You take his temperature and it reads 101 degrees Fahrenheit. It’s not good but it’s not as bad as it could be.

You get him some more cold medicine and water. You make sure he drinks all the water and then get a cool damp wash cloth on his forehead. You turn then turn the tv which shut off probably sometime in night. You put on some cartoons. They’re easy and you don’t got to think or follow much. Perfect for someone that is sick.

You then get everything set up for Oscar so he can take care of himself while your gone at work for the day. You’re a little reluctant to leave Oscar but you knew you had to work. You told Oscar to keep you updated in how he was doing.

When you got home from work, you immediately went and checked Oscar and found him asleep, cartoons still playing on the tv. You smile to yourself as you leave and go make dinner. When you’re almost done with dinner you hear the soft footsteps of Oscar coming down the hallway, you look up and greet him. He definitely looks better than he did this morning. You ask him how he’s feeling and he was better like you expected.

This routine of getting him set up in the morning and going to work and coming home and checking on him and then making dinner goes on for a 9 days, until Oscar feels completely better.

Oscar is really appreciative of you taking care of him while he was sick and took you out to dinner at a nice place as a thank you. Despite your insistence that he didn’t need to, that you were his partner and that taking care of him when he was sick came with that. While you were out for dinner you started sneezing a lot.

And by the next morning you were sick and it was Oscar’s turn to take care of you while you were sick.

[anemoiashifts]

how tiktok failed the shifting community

& how shiftok keeps you stuck idk what to call this. 🫶🏻

to make this clear, i do not hate tiktok. i dont hate people on tiktok who want to shift. i dont have a problem with people on tiktok talking about shifting.

this post is not about anyone specific. ive sold a shifting journal on amazon. which may seem hypocritical though ive never made a promise that it will make you shift & its not supposed to.

!! this post isn’t an excuse to push all the communities problems on shiftok. much like the animal crossing community pre-new horizons, as communities grow bigger, its expected to bring some toxicity with it. problems exist in all corners of the internet & in certain groups.

however, there is a specific issue within the shifting community that involves tiktok & that is the integration of money & profit being made off of people’s desperation.

shifting was / can be presented as this alternative “safe place” & escape for people with serious mental illness that consist of not wanting to be living this life anymore. & that’s fine on its own. everything we do is a form of escapism like readings or watching tv. as long as it’s healthy, it’s harmless. ive touched on permashifting & sv!c!d4l ideation before but id like to piggyback off of that point.

to clarify for everyone new: i am not against perma-shifting. i am against some of the langue that is used around it. you don’t need to k!ll yourself to shift. this is what im speaking about.

when you have an audience that is deteriorating & only going through the motions of life, when your only desire is to get out of the situation you are in, is it extremely easy to profit off of vulnerable people. this fact paired with tiktok — where you get paid & your income is dependent on engagement — it becomes overwhelmingly clear why pushing out content that keeps their audience within arms reach of actually shifting. it’s more profitable if you have an audience of people who can’t shift & want to as opposed to an audience of people who can shift & don’t need validation from exterior sources. it becomes easy to ignore people’s struggles if that’s what you’re making money off of. there is a lack of a healthy viewpoint & balance within some parts of the community.

calling back to 2020 when shiftok was in its infancy, there was a lot of “pov” & storytime style content. there is nothing wrong with wanting to share your experiences but making “entertainment” is arguably much, much easier & profitable. keeping that in mind, why i believe the practice of shifting is so seemingly popular amongst a younger demographic is because it brings fandom spaces together. it’s one thing to watch a show & obsess over fictional characters & read fan fiction but to live alongside your favorite character & be equal with those you idolize, it can sound very appealing. keeping shifting as entertainment style content, it makes it no different then fanfiction & oc’s. again !! i have no problem with people speaking about their experiences / wants for when they shift but the issue is when people only focus on that & it becomes a numbers game.

i hold no issue with people selling their labor in any community but when you sell something with the promise to “make you shift” is when it becomes problematic. when you sell false promises & empty hope, you are also banking that your audience is desperate enough to cling to anything that reminds them of what they want. it speaks to how the creator views their audience to an extent & id argue is aware of the dozens of (mostly) children expressing their negative worldview that displays an unhealthy mentality.

this is why i don’t do general readings as frequently & personal readings at all anymore. quite honestly, it’s easy engagement. while not my intention, people often change their perspective & “make” things fit their situation. i hate hate hate to say this but in desperation, you can make a sign out of anything. this is not me trying to take away the feeling of internal knowing. to give this thought weight, i remember a while ago i posted a reading that was & has been channeled from a person in my desired reality. the comments were flooded by “i know who this is from” & “this is from this person in my dr”. i clarified in the video — the very first slide — that this was from a specific person & everyone completely ignored that fact to fit their beliefs. if you find meaning in something that’s great but when something is explicitly stated as one thing don’t manipulate it to fit yourself if it’s not truly meant for you. not every reading is supposed to resonate. by forcing it to it removes the intimate aspects of what is truly just for you. if everything has meaning, nothing has meaning.

circling back to my idea before, readings & “this message was meant for you content” does open the floodgates to tell their audience what they want to hear for the sake of growth, profit, engagement. yes, there are some readings that don’t pander to a specific group of views but those “stop scrolling this was meant for you, he’s thinking about you, if you see this letter or number it’s a sign & you should be expecting a phone call or someone to reach out to you soon” readings that come up on your fyp are eight times out of ten for engagement purposes & to tell you what you want to hear by using generic langue to make profit. no, not all readings are set up this way and not everyone thinks like this. there are plenty of people who don’t do it for money or attention. even if people did it for money, some people hold issue with that while others don’t. the like it or not, just make sure you’re doing it in a way that’s not making peoples mental situation worse & giving others false hope.

while not reading based, this sounds familiar when we acknowledge “shifting symptoms”. early on, people seemed to take them as being close to shifting & literally feeling the process of you becoming apart of your desired reality. now we know, all those tingles & twitched are only your body checking to see if you’re asleep. the name becomes very mis-leading when you take into that content.

the tldr of this post was when you intertwine spirituality & profit in spaces where people are desperate for something that feels larger then them, people’s actions can put bad tastes in people’s mouths. looking at tiktok, views = money. when numbers are given to people who have shifted & deemed influencers (because that’s how tiktok was pretty much designed) it becomes easy to see why some idolize to be like these people’s — “they shifted & i didn’t, they seem to have everything figured out, they must be better at it then i am, they must be special & not like the rest of us.” it creates a cycle of self doubt, unfortunately, while keeping you in the same “i can’t shift” mindset while these same people are selling a piece of them that you seemingly “lack”.

[valtsv]

tbh i get a lot of people telling me i'm very patient with weirdos online but idk if i am? i think i'm just willing to take the time to wait to react until i've examined my reasons for doing so and given thought to how i want to respond first? which might be partly because i grew up in an abusive living situation where choosing your words carefully mattered immensely, and also years of coming to terms with the fact that my paranoid delusions mean that i can't always trust in my instincts to guide me to take the most rational course of action in any given situation or social interaction. but i do also think that there's this unspoken expectation to react quickly and, to be honest, without much thought or introspection in online communities, and a mentality of needing to "win" every interaction you're in by getting the last, most decisive word, which places a lot of pressure on people not to consider that sometimes people just phrase things poorly, or have had such fundamentally different life experiences that they didn't consider something that is extremely significant to how you experience and navigate the world. and that's not to say that you can't be upset, or offended, or angry, but sometimes it pays to try to communicate and establish whether it was genuinely malicious intent or just unfortunate ignorance that led to the conflict between you before you commit to retaliation, if you have the means and inclination to do so. miscommunication really is the biggest source of conflict, and while you don't owe everyone your time, energy, or forgiveness, speaking from experience life gets a lot better when you start to consider the possibility that not everyone is approaching you with ill intent in order to ruin your day.

[fridgrave2-0]

We share so many headcanons for Felix and Turbo that it's actually so exciting to see someone who shares a perspective very similar to mine on their characters! I feel like Turbo while dating Felix was less grumpy and sad as a lot of people interpret him :[ like he's not a perfect person ever and he has a million flaws but he also lived as king candy for a while. He's gonna be a little silly, I think. In fact, I think he'd only get that way (mostly) bc of Felix. Like Felix saw this mentally ill guy and went, "I can make him WORSE!" And then justified it to everyone as "I don't know what happened he just went insane!" for almost 30 years. I'd bet half my money that he even coined the term "going Turbo"

YES, EXACTLY, THIS!!!!

let the guy feel happy and silly in a company of someone who's "safe". turbo cannot allow to change others' perception of him by acting out of the line (aka his constant "I'm the best" bravado), but with felix he can relax a little and have a moment of peace when he doesn't have to put on a façade so much. but in the end, the only time he didn't wear a mask was when he was all alone after roadblasters, and being apart from felix was exactly what set him free

felix can't understand anyone else's problems until he goes through something similar and it gets shoved in his face, and even tho he liked turbo a lot back in the day, he was ignorant to things what were troubling turbo. his need of attention and appreciation wasn't normal, and there's only two options: felix supported it to the point when it got out of control, or he was dismissing turbo's concerns and frustrations. I don't see turbo as someone who understands his own emotions, and felix isn't a guy who would help him and guide him into healthier ways of seeking attention because felix himself is just immature and doesn't look outside of his bubble. if he feels good and happy and that his life is fulfilled, that means everyone else like turbo or ralph or else feel that way too. "you have your game, you are a main character, you earn your rewards. what else do you need?" felix would say, genuinely not understanding how neglectful he is. and turbo, disdained by everyone but felix, cannot explain why it's so important, or give a sign how damaging it is to his self-perception and self-esteem. turbo is already shaped into someone who keeps everything to himself, and seeing that felix doesn't want and won't understand him just makes every negative emotion and every concern accumulate in him, rot and poison him until it's too late

I'm sure turbo seeked for an advise when roadblasters were plugged in, but, as always, he was treated with "you're worrying too much. it's gonna be fine. just calm down. no one is trying to take your place". the same exact place by felix's side turbo doesn't feel he belongs to anymore. the same place for which he stepped over himself to open up, made a crack in a safe shell and was met with ignorance. is this what he tried to bent himself for, to be a different person for someone who just isn't willing to understand? to expose his back to others who are waiting for him to fall?

turbo felt rejected. he was rejected. by players and by the person he trusted most. and then he lost control, let the emotions boil out. and then the games were unplugged, his rivals and his home. he felt the invisible strings tearing up, ripping pieces of him out and living a hole that cannot be filled anymore. his connection to his game, his code, his life and soul

he crawled back to the one he also called home, damaged by another crash, the damage that won't heal anymore, because his game was gone. he crawled to felix, hiding from everyone's sight, scared of seeing nothing but "we knew it would happen" in their eyes. he didn't want to prove their expectations to be right. but when he noticed felix through the cracks in the tunnels under gcs, this was exactly what he saw

"he was so jealous. he was crazy... i should've seen it coming", felix said with a glimpse of regret on his face, too small to show the loss he should've feel. instead, there was it. the disappointment — and nothing else for the long ten years of hiding. his name turned into a common noun, a scary story, a legend he never wanted to be. but still, thanks to felix and his fantasies, his inability too see further than his exes' fake façade, turbo did actually become

a legend

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

i never noticed the hints towards pale Solfef! in light of that, i think it's interesting that Eridan pursued Feferi in the pale quadrant while desperately wanting her to end up in his flushed one, meanwhile Feferi pursues Sollux in the flushed quadrant, despite them seemingly destined to be pale lol guess seadwellers are used to swimming up current lmao

that said, what are your thoughts on Erifef? do you think Eridan actually wants her flushed? or is that another subconscious tactic of his to keep her(someone he deeply cares about) by his side?

personally, i'm of the opinion that though they do care about eachother, they could never work out flushed. i think Eridan -though very enthusiastic about her and thinks they share the same troubles that comes with being so high on the hemospectrum, as well as isolated via physical location and the requirements to meet seadweller expectations- doesn't actually want redrom with her, but he knows pale isn't 'good enough' plus prefers to go to Karkat for all the traditional pale stuff. dude doesn't realize they can just be friends and she won't abandon him(cue Feferi abandoning him the monent she leaves quadrants with him, further exacerbating that fear lol)

meanwhile, on Feferi's end, it's too much to go into here but i think she has struggles with being present with others. so though i think she also deeply cares about Eridan and was absolutely miffed he was going to Karkat for things that she(being his moirail at the time) should have been talked to about, i think she has a lot of character development to go through before she can really pursue quadrants as something she needs and wants and not something she thinks she should do. i think flipping pale with Sollux could have been that catalyst but alas :' ] it seems Hussie changed his mind

So, personally, I do actually think Eridan's flushed feelings for Feferi are real... kind of. The fact that he has 0 self-awareness really makes talking about his feelings difficult because everything needs to be qualified with "this would change if he were capable of taking a step back."

The "kind of" here is because I don't think it's necessarily Feferi, the PERSON, that Eridan's in love with, but rather, the Feferi that exists in his head. To Eridan, Feferi is a bubbly, adorable, cheerful girl who's nice to everybody and doesn't have a mean bone in her body. He literally says that he thinks she might be too nice to have a pitch relationship with somebody, which is definitely not true, as Feferi can be plenty mean, and there's plenty to find flawed about her.

The first reason for this mistaken belief is that that's definitely the way that Feferi believes herself to be, so it's how she presents herself, and Eridan believes people when they tell him stuff. The second is because, in Eridan's shitty, friendless life, Feferi has been his one constant - the person who's always been there for him, the only person who's consistently nice to him (until he meets Karkat, and even then, Karkat is master of the mixed signals, and Eridan implies that death threats and insults are regular banter between them), and oftentimes the one person who cheers him up when he's at his lowest.

I think a lot of people in the fandom are too hard on Feferi - she's genuinely well-meaning, and most of her bad points come from ignorance and privilege, not manipulativeness or spite. She doesn't consciously realize it when she's treating Eridan poorly, and she makes real efforts to be a good moirail to him, even though he doesn't usually reciprocate those efforts. I think she suffers from the Umbridge Effect, where Eridan's problems - being on such the extreme end of trauma and anxiety - almost feel alien and unreal, while everyone knows a Feferi, so Feferi draws in some undue vitriol.

She has a few outbursts at him when he's egregiously rude for no reason, but given she's been dealing with his severe mental illness for so long, and takes his threats and casteism at least semi-seriously, I don't blame her for being exhausted and snapping from time to time. She's genuinely just not equipped to help him with his problems - lest we forget, she's also 13. Otherwise, everything else she does to harm him is something she just genuinely doesn't consciously realize is a problem, because she's got a hard time seeing past her privilege.

For example, using Eridan for feeding Gl'bgolyb without gratitude - the thing is, societally, it's his job, and HAS always been a violet's job. Not only that, but given his... everything, if she asked him if he's okay with doing it, he'd definitely insist that he is, and in fact, that it's HIS duty and HIS privilege. He also started INCREDIBLY young, so it's genuinely just been like this for their entire lives. It's a bit shitheaded for Feferi to not realize how much she benefitted from this arrangement, but, again, it's a crime of ignorance, not malice.

In a similar vein, I think she stayed in her moirallegiance for as long as she did partially because she got an ego boost out of it. She commiscerates with Kanaya over how burdensome he is, and she gets to say things like "we are not better than anybody," which she absolutely doesn't actually feel, given how she won't shut up about being a royal when talking to Jade. She's elated to break up with him, her narration celebrating with a big "you're FREE!!!" and it's not a coincidence that said break-up happens after Eridan's no longer useful to her - she outright states that he can't threaten their species anymore now that they're in the game and everyone else is dead.

BUT, I think she ALSO means it when she says that she stayed in that moirallegiance because she was genuinely worried for him. Both this statement and the above paragraph can be simultaneously true. There's nothing about Eridan that's actually that offensive to Feferi, and I really do think she means it when she says she wants to stay friends. His constant emotional crises have just left her burnt out in terms of sympathy, and she never really knew how to handle him in the first place, but in their first conversation together, she's still genuinely making an effort to get him to open up about his feelings and to cheer him up about his failed kismesistude.

After the breakup and his failed confession, the thing is, he does accept that rejection! ... Kind of. (Again with the kind ofs.)

He outright tells her he accepts that she doesn't like him like that... BUUUT, is trying to get her to go ashen with him and Sollux, instead. THIS is the "trying to keep her with him" angle you're talking about, IMO; I think his flushed feelings are genuine, even if they're aimed at this idealized version of Feferi moreso than the real deal. Without Feferi in the picture, I think Eridan and Sollux would have a completely lukewarm mutual dislike. The sheer lukewarmness is probably why Erisolsprite is so stable - they're completely mid for each other.

The realness of his flushed feelings for Feferi is, incidentally, part of why I think him and Roxy would work so well together - if this idealized version of Feferi (bubbly, adorabloodthirsty, pink, cute, cheerful, and kind) is his Type... well.

I also think he and Feferi would work pretty well as just normal friends; they might have fallen into that dynamic on their own if they'd met later on in life. In a hypothetical golden ending, I think they do fall into it once EriKar happens, since moirallegiances are stated to have a stabilizing effect on a troll's other relationships.

[iwanthermidnightz]

the fact that taylor played getaway car,

mashed up with august (lost in the memory),

mashed up with the other side of the door,

specifically starting at the part where it goes

and then on piano goes into i just wanted you to know that this is me trying 😭

I’ve been having a hard time adjusting

I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting (salt air and the rust in your door)

I didn't know if you'd care if I came back

I have a lot of regrets about that

pulled the (getaway) car off the road to the lookout

could've followed my fears all the way down

and maybe I don't quite know what to say

but I'm here in your doorway (i know all i need is on the other side of the door)

living for the hope of it all

Taylor on this is me trying (long pond studio sessions)

"I've been thinking about addiction and l've been thinking about people who, if they're suffering from mental illness or they're suffering through addiction or they have an everyday struggle, no one pars them on the back every day but every day they are actively fighting something. But there are so many days that nobody gives them credit for that and so, how often must somebody who's in that sort of internal struggle must want to say to everyone in the room, 'You have no idea how close I am to going back to a dark place.'

I had this idea that the first verse would be about someone who is in a sort of life crisis and has just been trying and failing and trying and failing in their relationship, has been messing things up with the people they love, has been letting everyone down, and has driven to this overlook — this cliff, and it's just in the car going, I could do whatever I want in this moment and it could affect everything forever.' But this person backs up and drives home.

And then the second verse is about someone who felt they had a lot of potential in their life. I think there are a lot of mechanisms for us in our school days, in high school or college to excel and to be patted on the back for something. And then a lot of people get out of school and there are less abilities for them to get gold stars, and then you have to make all these decisions, you have to pave your own way and there's no set class yourself you can take. I think a lot of people feel really swept up in that, so I was thinking about this person who feels really lost in life and then starts drinking and every second is trying not to.”

and yesterday she sang you’re losing me where she goes

fighting in only your army, frontlines, don't you ignore me / I'm the best thing at this party (you're losin’ me)

and today in this is me trying

and it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound

yeah much to think about 😭

[juliettedunn]

Luz’s Softness in Thanks to Them

We all knew Luz was going to have an angst arc in Thanks to Them. Her angst had been building long before then, and King’s Tide was the final straw.

Angst is popular in characters like Amity and Hunter, who act cold and mean as a result of deep pain on the inside. If they cry, it’s in secret, hidden away from anyone who might see through their confident persona. The “bad but sad boy” / “I act like I don’t care but I secretly do” type, to quote Luz.

That’s not what Luz does. Luz cries multiple times in  front of others in Thanks to Them, and even has an emotional outburst in front of her teacher in classmates.

It’s the classroom scene that has a lot of people saying Luz is being “cringey,” and that they have to cover their eyes from “second-hand embarrassment.” I’ve seen post after post mocking that scene, saying Luz needs to “sit down and shut up” and that she has a “y/n complex.”

Whether a vulnerable person gets sympathy or ridicule from others is based on mysterious standards of what are acceptable and unacceptable ways to act when we are at our worst. And what is acceptable for some isn’t acceptable for others (white favoritism, especially in the fandom’s response to Hunter’s over-the-top emotional displays vs Luz). 

Luz’s outburst in the classroom was highly impulsive and not something many would do, but Luz doesn’t know how to ask for help, not when she feels too guilty to confide in her friends and family.

Luz is at best passively suicidal in TTT. It’s actually one of the first times she DOESN’T see herself as the main character, she sees herself as the selfish villain, the “evil Lucy” rather than the good witch Azura. Her self esteem is at an all time low, to where she doesn’t think she truly deserves love.

It’d be so easy to lock herself away, bottle those feelings inside and turn cold. Many thought this was the direction her character was headed in. And Luz does indeed isolate and keep her inner feelings secret.

But she remains soft and tender-hearted, constantly cheering on her friends and supporting Hunter through his hardships even when she herself is at her worst. She even lets her silliness peek through, calling a possum a “little angel.”

Despite her low self esteem, she very clearly WANTS someone to help her and intervene. She wouldn’t have had the classroom outburst if she didn’t think there was some worth in making her feelings clear, some hope that someone might respond to her and perhaps tell her something different. Which makes it even more heartbreaking when the class gives her a weirded out look and then ignores her.

If someone behaves this way in real life, it should be taken as a serious warning sign, not as a “Oh my god that’s so cringe” moment. 

You can see multiple times in the episode Luz fighting her depression, like when she goes to cuddle with Camila. When she asks Camila to let her stay in her bed, it struck me how amazing she really is for being able to do that.

Luz feels she doesn’t deserve to live, yet she still desperately wants to. She wants to hold on so much that she manages to seek comfort, despite her guilt telling her she shouldn’t be receiving it.

When I was her age and in her mental state, I didn’t have the ability to do something like that. Seeking help when you’re in that kind of state is one of the hardest things to do, and Luz does it multiple times.

For people to call her a cringey embarrassment for having an outburst is in very poor taste, and a bad sign for how we view signs of mental illness in real life.

Not everyone who angsts will be like Hunter and Amity, becoming aggressive and/or cold towards others. Not everyone can hide behind thick skin. Some become softer and more sensitive, cry more easily. The latter is in fact the healthier and often more difficult option. 

Some expected a cold, withdrawn cynic, hiding away her emotions. Instead we got a messy, tender-hearted girl desperately seeking help in impulsive outbursts.

The fandom is finally starting to focus on her angst and trauma, but let’s not forget the strength that lies in her unfaltering softness as well.

Luz is a loving, kind, strong, beautiful disaster, and she deserves better from this fandom.

[isaaujulii]

WHY GOD WHY COULDN’T THEY TREAT ALL THEIR CHARACTERS WITH RESPECT. The source material is endlessly fascinating and riddled with interesting storylines that can be followed and or improved upon(within reason) . Like you have the knight without honor whose only true light is a queen who he can never have. A woman whose life is tied to the men around her, which is her circumstance but she does nothing to try to help or ruin them but laments her part in everything. And i’m not saying the story can’t be built upon the relationship between rhaenyra and alicent.

It’s a great place to start. START. It can’t be just about them. Why don’t we see Jaeharys and the pressure he feels as a bastard and a possible future king. What about halaenas mental state her visions, and the fact she lost a whole child. And how come all of a sudden Aemond is kinslaying psychopath whose only goal is to become king, is there no internal conflict. Where’s that remorse and horror we saw at the end of season 1. Aegon is being made fun of every second and being ignored (and before u come at me i know he is a pos rapist, not defending him) nobody sees him as a threat even though he is QUITE LITERALLY THE KING.

Alicent is on her sad girl bs. And I LIKE ALICENT. Do you know how hard it is to make me dislike a character I originally loved. I thought her character was heading into an interesting direction feeling guilt and remorse about her actions because it is against everything she believes in. Because AGAIN they have hammered into the viewers that she is a religious. But she just becomes whishy washy. And not an active participant.

And don’t get me started on our titular protagonist a one Rhaneyra Targaryen. Have I mentioned my dislike at the obvious bias towards team black. Also why are there teams why is everything black and white. I don’t know about yall but I thought the whole point was there is no good and evil and that killing your family for a crown is wrong and morally unjust so therefore anyone participating in the war (as in anyone who has a choice, not the small folk forced to fight and stuff) is already not the greatest person. So i don’t know why they are acting like Rhaneyra is the goddamn messiah. They’re trying to make her a Daenerys variant. She’s not Dany and she shouldn’t be forced to be. Like their trying to make her a reasonable person who only wants best for people around her but she is also someone actively participating in a war with DRAGONS and as everyone keeps repeating there isn’t a war as bloody as one with dragons. And look i love a little hypocrisy in my characters i eat it up but this is ridiculous. You want a war so be in it. And if you don’t want to work with some people tough shit, you need others to get things done. And god forbid they challenge you on anything.

And look I tried to ignore it as much as i could but, do they hate men. Like genuinely asking, because every man in this show with the exception of like 2 characters is immensely unlikeable. And i’m not saying you can’t have unlikeable men. But like it’s a bit of a pattern. The women are the ones trying to avoid war and the men are all gung ho to lose their lives. Like i think they were trying to be feminist by making the women the only reasonable ones and men unreasonable. But they were so feminist that it came around to being misogynistic. Which i didn’t think could happen. And this being pseudo medieval time period with misogyny and all that it seems like there are parts where they are just like forcing patriarchy and other parts it does not seem to exist. Like equality is the norm and patriarchy is the outlier. Like there were women in charge of houses, which is not abnormal in of itself but like they don’t explain it. Like they could’ve been like the lord of that house is ill and his lady-wife takes care of everything. Or been like she’s in the fighting because she has a talent for it and is a bastard. Like I don’t know if any of you have seen the show Black Sails but one of the characters Eleanor basically runs pirate island and that doesn’t make sense because it the 1700’s but it’s explained that her father put her in charge because she was raised there and had a mind for business. And I know it’s a sad thing to be like a woman can only have power in proximity to a man. But like aren’t they going for realism, that’s what was so intriguing about the game of thrones universe. How people given shit circumstances rise above them. And some of these people happen to be women. If this was like one of those comfy fantasy with like fantasy creatures and like loose plots and there aren’t really rules and modern sensibilities are ingrained then I could dig it. Like yah you go girl be a pirate and you be a merchant and you are an advisor to the king. abut this isn’t that. And I can already see how an argument can be made that the entire show is overcoming the circumstances of your birthright being taken because you are a woman. Which I will reply that like I said earlier in order to do that they need the women to have agency and push for it or let it go. Which is options that Rhaneyra has.

And maybe i’m wrong and all those loose plot threads and bizarre character choices will payoff in season 3 and i’ll be the weirdo who doubted them.

[iron-embers]

Your art on rule 34 🤡

Oh no, what a nightmare....

Not!

We all know you are the same troll that makes millions of sub accounts just to harass people as if that would work, but this is just laughable that you are trying and failing to taunt me as if this will hurt me in anyway. Congrats, you played yourself. The sheer stupidity of you committing art theft and showing your account on that degenerate site just shows how dumb you are. Did you honestly think I would be offended by you giving me evidence of your troll account which shows all your mental illness in one go. I mean, you gave me free advertisement which is a small plus but really I'm cackling at how pathetic you look doing this, thinking you have an ounce of power. As if you are to be feared just cuz you stole people’s art and twisted it.

Get out if your lil power trip, get some mental help, and maybe people will actually respect you. Cuz the only thing you're succeeding at in life is bringing people together that aren't toxic like you and they all despise the bullshit you're doing I literally could care less about your tantrums, real adults wouldn’t waste their time with a pathetic degenerate like you, but I’m responding only because you have shown yourself for the true psycho you are. I've seen all the stupid shit you have been pulling at some sad attempt for attention, I feel bad for the people that get hurt but wow, talk about you exposing yourself as the lil arrogant dumbass you are. I'm not even involved and I've seen all the racial slurs you've been throwing around, saying everyone that supports the people you don't like are white and racist, fun fact dumbass-

I'm a person of color, I'm Hispanic and as such seeing you trying to represent this is disgusting. I do not advertise my race because unlike you Race does not define my being, I do not judge people based on race, I form mutual respect with others that show me that same respect as a person. Race doesn’t mean shit when you are mental case trying to cause problems where there are none. I’ve already seen you reach out to multiple people to try and taunt them with false accusations, and the sheer fact you are racially profiling everyone based on art is even more racist in itself. I'm not even inolved in whatever drama your pulling, but you pulling the victim card just cuz you are a person of color is despicable, and you have the audacity to falsely claim I'm white is incredibly racist. Being white isn’t insulting, so what of the color of your skin. The people you insult are wonderful people we enjoy interacting with, and you are not and that has nothing to do with the color of your skin. I could be like you and be all "Oh boo hoo, are you scared of colored people, show more representation?!". But We are better than that, and left wondering what the actual hell is wrong with you. People are people no matter what race, and what you have shown is you are not deserving of being called equal if you don't have the human decency to treat others with respect. This is a place for people to enjoy their own lil piece of obsession, but you have taken it too far. One day I hope you go get the help you need, but seeing as how desperate you are for any shred of attention, you are beyond help. And as such your behavior does not deserve an ounce of attention.

People ignoring your stupidity isn't out of fear, it's the mercy they are giving you because why Grace stupidity with a response. You are pushing people to that point where they will no longer be tolerant to your Bs and I can promise you that will never get what you want. Take the hint, cut it out, and if you are just so offended by everyone here, then leave. People have better things to do in life, and you should probably put this ridiculous obsession into something more positive and productive. It makes you look an utter fool.

All of us will continue making what we love while you rot in your lil troll corner, with no courage to actually talk things out like an adult and the evil in your heart to try and fail to make everyone miserable. Imma keep laughing from your stupidity as I keep making what I love. If you wanna keep harassing, lying, and stealing art, go ahead and dig your own grave. Go ahead and give people more reasons to dislike you, I found this hilarious.

Let this be a post for those being harassed by this lil psycho or do not condone this idiocy, keep doing the amazing art and create without feeling as if twisted people have the power to ruin it. Cuz trolls don’t have any power over what you make and like, they will try but fail because they wish they had this confidence to being a respectful member of this fandom. Keep reporting them, keep blocking them, keep showing them that their degeneracy will get them nowhere. There are many of us that love and respect one another, and there is only one miserable ingrate that has nothing better to do than stir up trouble. Don’t let this troll ruin your fun just cuz they are a jealous idiot. They wanna throw around the retard insults at others, get a mirror troll, cuz this just shows how much of a retard YOU are.

[melodygatesauthor]

Chapter 10: The Pain of Morality

prof!Steven Grant-Jake Lockley-Marc Spector X f!Reader

Edited by: @welcometostayingawake

Mood Boards - Book Cover - Masterlist

Chapter Summary:

You and Steven agree to meet after class in his office. Things get a little out of hand.

Tags/Summary (these are for the ENTIRE fic):

college AU, no powers/not in MCU/no Khonshu, talk of mental illness, Marc has DID, forbidden relationship, age gap, reader is 21y/o, Boys are 38y/o, reader attends college in America but isn't necessarily American, smut, sex, masturbation, p in v, creampies galore, reader is on birth control, dubious consent due to identity issues, ANGST, romance, fluff and smut, oral sex, falling in love, reader is not race coded, minor mentions of alcohol addiction and depression.

Word Count: 4.4k

Steven: For the record I wish I could buy you a coffee for class.

Steven: Do you think someone would think that was weird?

Steven: I’m just gonna do it.

Steven: If anyone says anything we can just make something up.

Steven: Nevermind please ignore me. S’probably not a good idea.

You smiled down at your phone while you imagined the mental back and forth Steven must’ve done in the morning while trying to decide whether or not he should get you a coffee. Despite the fact that he couldn’t get it for you, your heart swelled at the thoughtfulness of his texts. You wondered how often Steven was thinking about you. One thing was for sure, you were always thinking about him.

You: Don’t stress about it. See you in a bit!

You: <3

Steven: Meet in my office after class? Forget your knickers. Can you wear that skirt I like? :) <3

You sent him a thumbs up before finally getting all your things together and heading out the door. A love-struck smile took over your face while you walked to the lecture building. You had a skip in your step, unable to stop thinking about Steven and the weekend you’d spent together. You wondered when the next time you’d be able to get alone time with him again. Not only were you plagued by the nagging need between your legs, you also just wanted to be in his presence without a care of who might see you.

You’d worn the skirt he’d asked you to wear, despite the chill in the air. Not wearing any panties to class was also a little bold, but you meant it when you told Steven you’d do anything for him. You felt so connected, like nothing else mattered to you. All you wanted was to be around him as much as possible, and give him anything you could to make him look at you with that gaze of longing you craved.

“So we’re clear?” Marc asked, looking at Steven through the reflection of his paperweight.

“I’m gettin’ so tired of having to tell you the same thing over and over mate. I’m not breakin’ up with her. You can pester me all you like, but she’s staying.” He protested, typing on his laptop as though he weren’t bothered by the words Marc was saying.

“Steven…” He took his glasses off his face and slammed them on his desk in frustration. One of the lenses popped out.

“Look what you’ve done.” He grumbled, holding the lens up to the frame, unable to pop it back in easily “gonna need to make an eye appointment now, damn it. Would you just piss off already?”

“I don’t need to tell you why this is dangerous Steven. You’re going to get us killed. If they find out about her, she might get hurt too. You’re putting everyone in danger and-”

Marc continued talking but Steven heard nothing when he saw you walk through the doors to the classroom. There you were, breathtaking as ever, wearing exactly what he’d asked you to wear. He wondered if you really did leave your panties behind. He gulped harshly, lips parting while he stared.

There was that look he always gave you, like his entire world stopped moving. Steven tucked the curl that normally sat in front of his face away so he could look at you better. It took everything in you not to run to him and let your body melt into his right then and there. If not for the other students starting to file in behind you, you might’ve stolen a kiss or two.

He made it impossible to focus, being as effortlessly attractive as he tended to be. He fell into rhythm, pacing back and forth slowly while discussing the topic from the textbook you hadn’t studied enough of. The more he talked, the more you wished his mouth was working over your cunt, forcing you to arch your back and scream his name into his apartment. At some point he wiped his lips, and all you could think about were his thick fingers pumping in and out of your hole, stretching you out.

He looked at you, and you saw a smile form over his lips, unable to contain the way you made him feel. He kept talking to the class, not skipping a beat, but you noticed his cheeks turning several shades of red every time your eyes met.

Class felt like it lasted forever. You’d been thinking about all the things you and Steven would do once you were alone in his office. You were feeling needy, desperate, and you were sure you were dripping down your thigh by the time Steven finally ended the lecture. You had to stop yourself from flat out running to his office. When you got there, you closed the door behind you quickly. You dropped your bags before practically throwing yourself at him. He wrapped his arms around you tightly.

“Thought you were gonna be talking about–” he interrupted you sassing him with a kiss, “Queen Mary forever.”

Steven’s tongue tangled with yours in his heated desperation. He stole your breath, one kiss at a time. He groaned deeply as he parted from you for air.

“Queen Elizabeth.” He corrected you.

“Mmm,” you moaned into his mouth when you went back in for more.

He tasted so good you wanted to devour him. You pushed Steven back against the desk. He reached under your skirt and started circling his fingers around your clit, wasting no time finding it. You gasped, closing your eyes while resting your forehead against his chest.. He pressed some gentle kisses against your temple, the tenderness causing your stomach to swoop on top of your heady desire. You rolled your hips into his fingers further, desperate for more friction.

“Feeling needy today, love?” He asked, lips moving against your ear now.

“Yes-mmm-yes.”

You lifted your head again to meet his gaze. He leaned back against the desk and removed his hand from your cunt so you could straddle his knee. Steven kissed you again, deeper this time, reaching up to cup the back of your neck and pull you in tight.

You started grinding on his thigh, groaning into him with every pass of his lips over yours. You tipped your head to the side, exposing your neck for him to suck on, drawing more soft whimpers from your lips. You grabbed on to his shirt tightly, rutting forward over his leg, feeling the brush of the fabric against your sensitive clit.

“Oh, Steven,” you whined in his ear.

“Yes, love, does that feel good?”

You nodded, “mm…mhm”

“Good. Can feel you soaking through my slacks, use me however you want, dove. Take what you need,” and he meant every word, wanting nothing more than to hear his name fall from your lips when you finally came undone.

He continued sucking on your neck, reaching his hands under your skirt to squeeze your rear tightly, helping you slide over his thigh faster. You wished you could fuck him, right there and then, but you knew it was too risky in his office, especially with how loud the both of you were. You reached up and grabbed the back of his curly head tight while keeping your other hand gripping his shirt. Steven moaned into your throat, churning his hips lightly against you. You felt how hard he was, how hungry his movements were to get inside of you again.

“Mm, can’t wait to have you again, are you free this weekend?” Steven was almost growling in between his words.

“Yes…of course, I’ll be there.”

He wanted you so badly. Steven’s fingers were leaving divots in your ass cheeks, holding onto you tightly, helping you move faster against him. He loved the way your heat felt on his leg while you dragged your pussy lips over the fabric of his pants. Your skin tasted so sweet under his tongue as he continued leaving sloppy kisses over your neck. Your throat vibrated in a low moan.

“I’m so close,” you whispered softly, “then I want to taste you, Steven.”

Steven’s breath caught in his throat. He stopped kissing your neck to cup your cheeks and force you to look in his widened eyes.

“Y-you want to…love, do you mean…you want to put it in your…” Steven’s body trembled with excitement.

“Wanna know what you taste like.”

And then Steven’s lips were crashing into yours again, you were almost there, the tingling was washing over your body in a colossal wave–

The heels came in rapidly, so fast that you hardly had time to register Steven’s quick moves. You could only gasp as he pushed you back. The handle on the door behind you turned and you pulled your skirt down fast. Steven’s face was panicked as he scrambled to the other side of his desk, sitting down quickly.

“Steven your hair!” You hissed in a whisper, noticing what a mess you’d made of it.

“Stevie!” 

Donna, the dean of the university, walked into the room like a storm.

Steven didn’t like Donna. She’d hired him for the position, but made it abundantly clear to him and everyone else that he was the only candidate. Based on her constant attitude, he assumed that she didn't like him. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was late for the interview, or if it was because she was just a tough woman to get along with, but she clearly had a chip on her shoulder with him from the start. It also didn’t help that she called him Stevie the entire time, despite him correcting her over and over.

“I’m going around to all the…” She trailed off when she turned and noticed you. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt whatever you’ve got…happenin’ in here.”

She looked you up and down. You felt the heat rise to your cheeks. Did she think something was suspicious about you being in there? Surely not. It wasn’t weird for a student to be in their professor’s office, especially since you had on record that he was a tutor for you, all she had to do was look it up. Maybe having the door closed was a red flag, and maybe your hair was a little disheveled, but there was nothing to suggest you were doing…what you were doing.

Steven felt all his blood run cold. ‘Whatever you’ve got happenin’ in here,’ she’d said. 

She knew…it was so obvious that she could tell something was happening between you and him before she walked in. He saw her look you up and down, making a face of disgust. The panic was starting to set into his bones, his leg bouncing under his desk. 

Donna always makes that face, Steven told himself.

But this time it was different. This time…Marc’s fears were being realized before Steven’s very eyes. Marc had warned him on several occasions that if they were caught, it could mean their death. Earlier, before you’d walked into class, Marc reminded Steven that you were at risk if something went south too. This stupid affair could get you hurt.

Steven looked at you, and you looked back at him helplessly. His lips pressed into a thin line when he finally realized what he needed to do, his heart dropping into his stomach. He never should’ve slept with you. Marc was right. He never should’ve crossed that line, never should have asked you to watch Gus, never should’ve brought you into their fucked up life. This was all his fault. Now he had to suffer the consequences and drag you down with him.

“This is it, Steven. You’ve been caught, what are you going to do now? Hm?” Marc’s tone held a self-righteous air that Steven didn’t appreciate, though he deserved it.

“Donna, we were just discussing the paper due on Wednesday that I’ve assigned in my class. What can I help you with?” Steven was trying to divert the conversation away from you.

“Just going around to all the departments and checkin’ in. I can come back.”

She kept looking over at you, and then back to Steven. Even if she didn’t think something was actually happening, she certainly was acting like she was suspicious of you being there. You gulped deeply, turning your eyes to Steven again. You felt the anxiety catching in your chest, making it hard to breathe.

“Yeah, yeah that would be great. I’ll come to your office this afternoon.” Steven said with a friendly smile.

“Sounds like a plan, Stevie, I leave at five.” She looked you up and down one more time before leaving the room.

You let out a huge sigh of relief followed by a nervous laugh. You ran your hands over your face and shook your head, looking over at Steven who was just staring blankly at the glass paperweight on his desk. What you didn’t see, was the one-sided conversation happening in Steven’s reflection.

“That was too close. I know you don’t want to do it, Steven, I know, and I’m so sorry.” Marc was being sincere, and Steven could feel that. Marc did feel bad for him. “I know you care about her, but that’s why it’s time to let it go now, before it gets worse. The longer you keep this going the harder and more dangerous–”

“Steven.” You said, seeing him look up at you with glistening eyes. “You okay? I was talking to you.”

Steven was looking at you and thinking about how you had no idea that your world was about to shatter around you. There was still time for him to let it go and keep pretending like nothing was wrong. If Donna did suspect something, and this affair went public…

He would rather leave you with a broken heart than see you dead.

“I-I’m sorry I was just…just thinking about…” He gulped, standing up and pressing his palm against the desk to stabilize himself. He looked at the wooden surface, clearly averting his gaze from yours.

He would rather walk over a mile of hot coals than say what he needed to say.

“Yeah, that was close. We’ll just have to be more careful next time. Can’t believe-”

“No, love, no.” Steven looked right at you now.

You watched a tear fall down his cheek, he wiped it away quickly. 

“We can’t have a next time.”

Your body seized in place. Your feet stepped forward, despite your voice getting stuck in your throat. You replayed his words in your head as if you hadn’t heard him clearly. Can’t have a next time. Immediately your bottom lip began to quiver. This couldn’t be real. Surely, you’d misheard what he said. You’d both known that this was a risk, that was why you avoided it before giving up on fighting the gravitational force pulling you towards each other. Was he really running away in fear over almost getting caught once?

“W-what do you…Steven, what are you saying?” You felt tears threatening your own eyes. He couldn’t be saying what you thought he was saying. .

“Don’t make this harder than it has to be.” He pressed his lips together tightly, “please.” Steven’s face broke into a sob. “We can’t do this anymore.”

“Steven, where is this coming from? We knew this was risky when we started!” You got closer to him, desperate to get to him, but he put up a hand in protest. Lowering your voice to a desperate whisper, you pleaded with him. “Don’t…don’t do this. We can be more careful next time, we–”

“No, you have to go.” He said firmly, “You have to go, and you have to forget about me. There’s a lot you don’t know about me, and I never should’ve dragged you into this.”

“Why are you talking to me like I’m a kid? I’m twenty-one years old, I chose to do this, you can’t–”

“Yes I can!” Steven shouted at you for the first time since you’d known him. “You don’t know a thing about me. I’m not the man you think I am.”

The room was filled with a silence that tore through your soul. You had nothing to say to that, and frankly, you weren’t sure how you were supposed to talk to him after he yelled at you. Several emotions played out on Steven’s face before he finally looked away from you, and you could tell there was no more negotiating with him. He was right, you didn’t know anything about him. You knew that he was a history professor, that he was from London, and that he liked literature and art. You’d always felt like Steven was hiding something based on the way he didn’t want you at his apartment in the beginning, and you hadn’t forgotten how short he was when you tried to talk to him about his brothers.

Since you could see that this wasn’t going to end well, you went for a final stab, a last attempt to make him feel guilty for doing what he did to you; for taking what he took from you.

“You know, you should be fucking disgusted with yourself.” You started crying despite your desire to appear strong. “I gave you everything.” You grabbed your bags. “Is this what you do? Jump from college to college fucking your virgin students? Or just the stupid ones?”

“I’m sorry.”

You huffed on your way out the door on shaky legs, not taking another look at him. You slammed the door behind yourself harshly, half wishing the entire building would collapse around it. For good measure, you kicked it and then rushed down the hall to get to your dorm. You had to get away before anyone saw what a mess you were leaving his office.

Steven quickly ran to the door, locking it before turning and sliding his back against it, dropping to the floor in a slump. Nothing had ever hurt like this. Even when Steven found out he was part of a system within Marc’s mind, he hadn’t been this upset. This felt like his chest was caving in, like it was hard for his lungs to function. He simply wished he could pass out so he didn’t have to feel the heartbreak. He started sobbing noisily, letting out pained wails that Jake nor Marc had ever heard from him.

Your words had stung. Those final remarks you’d made in your pained anger, though petty, had twisted the knife in his self-inflicted wound. Steven didn’t blame you, you had every right to be mad. In fact, if you’d walked up and struck him, he probably would’ve understood.

Marc started stirring around restlessly, but he approached Steven like a big brother would a younger one. He’d never intended for Steven to get hurt, or you for that matter. He only wanted to protect the three of them, and make sure that they could survive in this new life they made. Marc and Jake had worked everything out so perfectly, and then you’d come along and swept Steven right off his feet, screwing up the whole thing.

“I know that was tough Steven, but you did the right thing,” Marc said in a gentle tone.

Jake remained quiet, but Steven could feel him there, present just below the surface.

“I can’t do this. I can’t teach here anymore. I’m gonna see her everywhere I go. Oh God…I took her…I took her innocence from her not two days ago! Marc…” Steven started breathing heavily, clutching his chest tightly. “I think I’m gonna have a panic attack.”

“You’re not going to have a panic attack, you’ll be alright, just breathe through it.”

“No, no Marc, I really hurt her. Did you see…” he took a labored breath, “did you see the look on her f-face? I broke her heart. We have to go somewhere else, I can’t ever look at her again, I might die. I have to get a new job.”

“You’re not going to die, and you can’t just leave your job, alright? It’s a good job, Steven. We had to work really hard to get you in here. You didn’t exactly…earn your PhD.” Steven started hyperventilating, “I don’t wanna sound like a jerk but, if you’d just done what I said from the start–”

“No, no, no Marc, no!” Steven stood up and started pacing, wringing his hands in front of him, “you think I didn’t know the entire time that what I was doing was wrong? ‘Course I knew! I just…” Steven stopped and looked out of the only window in the room down to the courtyard below. “I think I love her, Marc.”

The voice in Steven’s head stopped while Steven broke down again into another flurry of tears and sniffles that he couldn’t control. Marc knew Steven loved you, he could feel it seeping into the crevices of their mind. Saying the words I love her out loud was what broke Steven to a point that even Marc was worried they may never see him again.

When Marc came to the front, something he hadn’t experienced in weeks, he took a deep breath before wiping the tears from his eyes. He still felt the damp spot on Steven’s pants from where you’d been grinding on him before Donna interrupted. Marc wished more than anything that it hadn’t come to this, but he was back in control again, and he was going to have to clean up Steven’s mess until he came back.

Marc looked at his own reflection in the paperweight, and he only saw Jake staring back.

“I can’t feel him.”

“I know…but he always comes back. We just have to wait.”

----

If there was ever a good time to use your sick days at school, it was while you were curled up in your bed emptying box after box of kleenex. You felt pathetic, crying endlessly over Steven, but he’d hurt you more than you could form into words. Virginity was one of those things that you only had one rule for…give it to someone you love. You didn’t care about waiting for marriage, but you wanted to wait for the right one, and you thought you had.

When Layla asked you what was wrong, you were grateful that she was respectful enough of your boundaries not to press when you told her you didn’t want to talk about it. In truth, Layla probably was someone you could trust with this. You’d been roommates since your first year, and you were good friends. She’d kept secrets for you before, but not one of this caliber.

The thought crossed your mind to tell the dean the truth. You thought about going to her and letting her know that Steven had taken advantage of you. It wasn’t all his fault, you’d been very persistent, but a part of you, the part that felt angry, wanted to make him suffer the way you were suffering. Making him lose his career might be satisfying, but you knew that feeling would only be temporary, and you’d end up feeling guilty before long. Not to mention, you recalled reading that students could also be held liable for their inappropriate actions. You were an adult after all. You’d made your choice to sleep with your professor, and now you had to live with that.

You spent the next day in and out of sleep, waking up only to hear his words replay in your mind, and crying yourself back to sleep. You pulled out your phone on Wednesday morning.

You: Can we please talk? I can’t accept that this is over. Not after this weekend.

You had sent that on Monday after going back to your dorm. He didn’t answer. You don’t know what compelled you to go to class that morning. You thought perhaps it was the small part of you that hoped Steven would see you and completely change his mind, realizing that he was wrong. You also wanted him to see your tearstained face and feel guilty for what he’d done, but when you steeled yourself and walked through the classroom door, he wasn’t there.

You should feel relieved. You should be glad that he didn’t want to show his face after what he did. But you weren’t. One of the other history professors was able to cover the class on Steven’s behalf. You felt a pit settle in your stomach. Was he missing class because of you? The only thing this told you was that Steven was a coward and a pig; only intent on sleeping with you and then dropping you like you were nothing.

So why did you still feel like he was something? Why were you still thinking about all the times his face softened when he saw you, into the most loving gaze anyone had ever shown you? The way he always treated you like you were so important, taking you on a date to the art gallery and stuttering when you said sweet nothings that took him off guard. Something wasn’t adding up in your mind. The way he had treated you all this time didn’t add up to someone who just wanted to fuck you and dump you right after.

But that’s what he’d done.

By some miracle, you held yourself together for the day, getting through your classes. You weren’t completely free of tears, and you’d had to go to the bathroom a few times to wipe your tears, fix your makeup and go back, but you made it. That was the important thing.

It was dark when you walked back to your dorm that night. You recalled the times that Steven had walked back with you, and you’d never felt so alone. 

You weren’t alone though. There was a stern set of eyes that watched your every step, making sure you made it back in one piece. When he saw you get inside safely, a satisfied smile spread over his face. He would make sure you were safe whenever he could, despite knowing Marc would prefer they all pretended you never existed.

Jake could never forget you existed. He wasn’t able to get you out of his head, even if Steven had cast you aside. Jake knew how to keep a secret, and he intended to keep you. He would make sure you wouldn’t lose yourself to the pain Steven had caused.

Previous Chapter - Next Chapter

Moon Knight Masterlist

TAGLIST (please let me know if you would like to be added or removed): @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction, @my-secret-shame, @thatmomwitchfriend, @alexxavicry, @welcometostayingawake, @jake-g-lockley, @campingwiththecharmings, @steven-grants-world, @bloodredwolfsbane, @minigirl87, @ahookedheroespureheart, @ninebluehearts, @outmodead, @sleepyamaya, @pimosworld, @ababynova, @flordelalunas, @360iris, @momo-mochiball, @missdragon-1, @lunar-ghoulie, @liquorlaughslove, @kiwibaekie, @wordacadabra, @deezisnotreal, @onzayhe, @romanarose, @mt2sssss, @justmaragudytha, @strawb3rry-gal, @ravenz-hope, @thewinterv, @winwin70, @cookielovesbook-akie, @plastichearts @dumbbitchenergy, @moonknightly, @cloudroomblog

[kitsuvil]

Hi im not sure if the requests were open or not so if not just ignore it

What about enemies to lovers with tighnari, but the reader has adhd, tighnari doesnt know this and just thinks the reader doesnt focus on his lectures just to annoy him

The reader also doesnt know that tighnari isnt aware of the fact they have adhd. They tought they told them before or someone else did and he is just being rude on purpose.

Now watch tighnari's emberrasment after he finds your adhd meds and goes "oh gods im an idiot"

— misunderstanding [tighnari x gn! adhd! reader]

warnings/notes; fluff, comfort, adhd, mental health, does get slightly angsty in the depressed reader type of way but tighnari comes to fix it ofc <3 i think i made this way more emotional and comfort focused than it should've been sorry anon but i hope it still fits ;;

summary; your emotional breakdows for the past few weeks were all just a misunderstanding? tighnari should learn how to read better. proper summary is technically in the ask i'm just playing around hehe

"Again, Y/N?"

"What?" Your eyes flicker back to the lead ranger who's berating you for disregarding his lessons. For the 6th time this week. You'd think that by now you'd have learned to stop drifting away from his voice and the lecture...

But all he could see is that you truly didn't want to pay attention, you thought that staring at the clouds and people outside mattered more than the instruction he was offering.

"Y/N, please, I understand if you don't think it's important to learn all this, it can be very extensive but... I don't understand why you would ask for extra tutoring if you don't care. Is it just to take away time from me?"

"No, I- I get you're really busy, I would never take advantage of you like that, I really want to learn this and become a better forest ranger..."

You'd told him before about how difficult it is for you to memorize the content you're supposed to learn. Everything seems to just leave your mind, entirely without your consent. One day you think you've got something entirely scaled out in your mind, but by the time you have to answer questions about it, you can only stare into nothing and rack your empty brain, just to find not even a hint towards the answer.

You can promise Tighnari that you'd paid attention that day all you want, but you don't have the evidence to prove it. The times you can remember something fully and it stays, you throw a mini-celebration in your head, feeling successful. Yet - you had to constantly remind yourself about the fact that it wouldn't be enough to become as good of a ranger as Tighnari, or even your colleague Collei.

Even the extensive tutoring you'd begged Tighnari to give you wasn't helping, you felt hopeless. Now here he was, getting upset at you for something you couldn't control. You knew he had his eyes on you every time you couldn't stop fidgeting from stress and the overwhelming feeling of what you had to accomplish that day. You felt so... Weak. Didn't he understand your condition? You were almost positive he'd read through the files that were stored somewhere in Gandharva Ville. He did that for everyone. Shouldn't he understand how debilitating having ADHD felt?

"Y/N. You're spacing out again. What do you need from me so that I can actually help you?" Tighnari raised his voice.

Comfort, you wanted to speak out. But instead, you just looked down at your lap in silence. It wouldn't do anything to suddenly spill out your stressors and illness to him. He wasn't a therapist after all, he was just a student, professor, and a ranger at the same time. He doesn't deserve to have more issues thrown on him. Either way, this was something you'd been told to deal with yourself your entire life.

"If you're going to be like this, the session is dismissed for today. I hope you'll be more focused within the class along with the rest of the trainees tomorrow. Be awake bright and early in the morning so you don't miss anything. Although, it seems like you're not getting enough sleep so I might be a little more lenient."

You heaved a sigh of relief, ready to go home and cry your stress out under the comfort of your blankets. At least maybe you could rest a little more in the morning, but it would just be another case of you being portrayed as 'lazy', when all you wanted was to be as active as the others.

"Thank you, goodnight Tighnari," you frowned.

You returned home and let the tears spill the instant you fell into your bed, feeling even more helpless than a few weeks ago when you hadn't asked him for help. He was acting like an ass to you for no reason. You really didn't comprehend why he couldn't have some mercy on you and try to help you learn in other ways that would be memorable.

A knock echoed through the building you slept in and called home. "Yes?" You managed to get out in between choked sobs as you tried to calm down and wipe your face, deciding on pretending to have just been asleep so that your eyebags weren't suspicious.

It was Tighnari who walked in, of course.

"I thought I'd get you some tea, to help you sleep. It's obvious you're not having a good time. I'm sorry if I'm too strict on you, but I can't help you if you don't put in the effort."

You untuck your head from your sheets.

"I've been trying so hard to put in effort, Tighnari. You just... don't care to see it. Thanks for the tea, you can put it on my bedside table."

"Y/N..." He pauses for a moment, coming closer while contemplating on what you said

There's a long silence after he places the hot cup down.

"Shit, Y/N, you're kidding me right?"

"Did I do something wrong again?..." You tensed up.

"No, I- How did I not see this. I'm an actual idiot. This makes so much sense."

You look towards Tighnari to see what was causing his mental spiral.

In his hands was a small bottle, a paper on it labeled as treatment for ADHD.

"Oh, yeah... Sorry, I forgot to take them today. That must be why today was worse than usual..." You rub your hands over your fatigued face.

"That's not it, I'm just... Y/N, you never told me you had ADHD? I've been so hard on you this entire time because I just thought you hated my lectures and teaching and me."

You freeze up after hearing his words, stuck in the element of shock.

"I thought you knew? There's no way you didn't know, it's on my files, isn't it? The ones you read about everyone?"

"You noticed that? I must've just entirely missed it. Y/N, I'm so sorry. No words can explain how I feel right now. I'm so guilty."

"Tighnari, don't stress over it too much. You don't know how relieved I feel right now, I thought you were just entirely dismissing my condition. Don't feel guilty, I understand it was just a big misunderstanding now."

"Still, I'm so sorry. Do you perhaps need some comfort, attention, anything? I don't have anything planned until class in the morning. You can explain things to me for hours, I don't care. My ears are always open to listening whether I like it or not anyway. We're going to plan out a guide that will help you memorize the content more, we can even do experiments and things, I will bring you to a proper forest ranger in no time. I wish I'd known this earlier."

The next morning, the entire group of forest rangers saw Tighnari and you exit from the same bedroom, tired with eyebags present, but you were smiling like never before.

You two were already closely acquainted, where could this go further now that he knew the truth?

THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE PLS IM SOBBING. like actually bcs like partway thru this i teared up and idk if it was the tighnari playlist i was listening to or the kinning what mc feels in this 💀 neurodivergent people unite (though this IS heavily based on how adhd shows itself to me, it'll rarely be the exact same experience for everyone!)

on a side note i rly hope this was written well for u anon, u are my first actual request and i think thats super sweet and i enjoyed writing this a lot, u get a special first request badge <3