#everyone is fucking dying around me
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Life is too fucking unfair
Just got a message from my friend who told me one of the working dogs I used to train and handle and lived with me for a while was put down today because of health issues
I can’t stop fucking crying
#everyone is fucking dying around me#I hate it#can’t take this anymore I hate everything#everything fucking hurts#I loved that dog more than anything#and my biggest regret is not buying him and giving him a forever home#this is why training dogs that aren’t yours is hard#I just fall in love with every dog#he was the best German shepherd I’ve ever had the pleasure of training#I love you now and forever#wish things would’ve gone differently#but now you aren’t in pain anymore#and that’s the most important thing#cw pet death#vee talks
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I’ve discovered my favorite genre of Bagginshield art is where Thorin is a lovesick idiot who is Losing It and Bilbo is unbothered or oblivious to Thorin’s suffering LMAO
#thorin oakenshield#bilbo baggins#bagginshield#if anyone has more please send it to me I have like four rn#I know I made a post a while back talking about how I wish there were more posts that focused on each of their lives outside of each other#and I still stand by that but I also can’t deny the fun in a Important Dwarf like Thorin turning into an idiot around Bilbo#tbh this works even platonically. this guy has friends bc he’s lucky not bc he’s actually friendly#so I can imagine becoming friends with Bilbo is like ‘fuck now I have to be nice bc he WILL actually leave. uh. oh god’#love men who are grouchy and offputting <3#and Bilbo is oblivious not as a flaw but bc he’s just not wired that way and he’s just accepting that Thorin is weird#bc he has no basis of which to assume he isn’t just Like That sometimes same way the dwarves don’t know shit abt hobbits#and it’s not as like. Bilbo being extremely innocent either he’s just not thinking about it LMAO#and Bilbo Also doesn’t have a ton of friends (different reasons but he IS also grouchy and petty) and he’s just ‘?? ok’#they’re both fucking stupid and everyone around them is dying and in anguish#I particularly enjoy when a character who is emotionally constipated and stoic and whatever just starts losing it#not even necessarily in a sappy or angsty way just. those emotions gotta come out eventually#so for a guy like Thorin who takes himself seriously and is very closed off emotionally it’s fun to just imagine that facade cracking#meanwhile Bilbo is just like ‘you ok??’#Bilbo himself has some emotional issues so it’s double the entertainment
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main office at my work just installed these intensely bright white lights in every corner the waiting room and a patient and her wife came in like wtf what are these we were just here two days ago these suck and my light sensitive ass, wearing sunglasses, was like yep 🙃 we all don't like them 🙃 i would love to pass on a complaint for you! and her wife wrote this letter for me to send that is KILLINGG me
#she's so fucking funny lmaooo i love you affable butches#lesbian couples forever bright spots in this job#phlebotomy is passing it around and dying rn bc literally everyone hates these stupid lights#chats#adding now: they just left and the note-writer saluted me and told me to hang in there 🥺#they had an iui today praying a healthy pregnancy upon them :)
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Sometimes I still think about The Owl House Gang all trying to watch ATLA together but then Zuko's backstory in The Storm retraumatizes Hunter so bad they have to stop
#luz is too young to have grown up with the show she just heard it was good#SHE DIDN'T KNOW GUYS#they all get super into it and the gaang and maybe even make some jokes about how Zuko reminds them of Hunter#and then suddenly it is Not Funny Anymore#they just straight up stop watching it because it was So Bad#and then months later Hunter is like '....... i really want to know where that show goes'#so they pick it up again#everytime Zuko makes a bad life decision Hunter is just dying inside#'your dad DOES NOT LOVE YOU YOU CAN DO BETTER'#season 2 is such an emotional rollercoaster#like zuko is figuring stuff out and seems like he's gonna redeem himself and everyone is getting so hype#because at this point they NEED to see this character get a happy ending because they have been throufh WAY TOO MUCH over him#and then in the season finale he regresses#the BETRAYAL#they are like wailing and rending their clothes like dudes in the bible#hunter just sitting there with his head in his hands#season 3 storyline with zuko at the fire palace is also massively triggering for him but he's being so normal about it#the rest of the squad on the copium like 'he can still turn this around guys'#secretly several of them have given up on him at this point but they can't admit that there's too much riding on this#and then zuko DOES IT but the scene is so tense that no one even feels like they can celebrate because they're all projecting way too hard#and then zuko redirects the lightning and they're like 'FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!'#there is much crying at the finale#luz and amity kin assigned eachother as aang and katara so they're really happy when they get together#hunter like 'mostly this is making me glad I didn't have to become the political leader of The Boiling Isles as a traumatized 16 year old'#'can you imagine'#these tags were not supposed to be this long lmao#toh#atla#avatar#my rambles
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#feel like my relationship with my younger brother is changed completely forever not to be dramatic lol but i am sad#we used to b very close but he has kind of. found his faith again and gone full missionary christian which like. i knew meant the dynamic#was doomed lmao but actually acknowledging it makes me sad i feel like i'm grieving for the friendship we used to have even though#it is literally a me problem i think from his perspective he doesn't think anything has changed. but i feel weird about everything#also his new gf is nineteen and he is. almost 25 and i am the only one who feels weird about it like i know she's over 18 but! idk i can't#tell if i'm being overly cautious or if my gut instinct is right. my sister & her husband have a similar age gap but they met when they wer#both over 30 so like. it didn't feel weird. and i didn't feel comfortable actually seriously talking to him about it apart from the first#time he mentioned her over facetime (he went to another country to do mission stuff & met her there) so like an idiot i've just been#making jokes about the age gap becausee like. thats always been our thing lightly bullying each other lol but he blew up at me and said#i've had nothing positive to say about her since he's been back home and that he thinks i hate her and i'm out of line for constantly#implying he's creepy for dating someone younger. idk i felt like such a freak idiot horrible person about it. it completely blindsided me#bc yes the jokes were coming from a place of idk how i feel about this situation so i'm going to rely on the humour-based communication#we have always fallen back on as a safety thing but i guess i was wrong or the dynamic shifted or something anyway it's all fucked#& everyone is just telling me i feel weird out of some?? misplaced kind of jealousy thing?? because i'm 'losing' my brother to his gf lol#which does not feel right at all he has dated so many other girls and i have never had a problem it is literally the age gap like i haven't#even met this girl i'm sure she's very nice! i just worry about her being nineteen!! jesus. and yes maybe i do feel some resentment around#a brother younger than me who seems to be able to live his life with zero difficulty whilst i'm stuck being this unemployed loser who ruins#literally ever friendship & relationship ive ever had but i think thats ok right like i can't help feeling that. i don't fucking knowwww#am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely#concerned she's six years younger than him and still a fucking teenager!!!!!! i don't know
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formerly an essay in tags but - billie lurk. half-nameless, misremembered woman. her powers derived from the things taken from her, without any catharsis or empowerment. the rat charm, tied with deidre's hair, her lover's voice in the mouth of rats. her arm and eye, taken, given back only to cause her chronic pain, then lost again. foresight seems a cruel gift for a woman who botched the timing of her takeover of the whalers, and bet wrong when it came to delilah.
she never bore the outsider's blessing; his first visit to her was more like an assault. every other dishonored POV character gets the choice to be selfish, and for that selfishness to mean something, but billie's actions have no effect on the world at large, either, in a game without a chaos system.
some say that corvo is the ghost, but he can reach out and change things. billie's buried herself twice and come back and nothing she does seems to matter - she is less a protagonist, more a convenient full stop in the narrative.
try this: open doto, start a new game. sit in her cabin. notice how little of billie there is. even the woman she loved more than anyone has the face of another named character.
she sits amongst the assets of other games: empty canvases and a dressmaker's mannequin that wears nothing.
#billie lurk#even the wiki is wrong about her its infuriating#pulled this out of tags because fuck it#in daud's DLCs even the stories that weren't about him were about him#but billie's stories are the scrapheap. they're the stuff they couldn't squeeze in elsewhere. cheap jokes and macguffins#i'm not even roasting the devs for this i think releasing dishonored in 2016 then DotO in 2017 was a feat (derogatory)#games should be made slowly and with love#and i know that everyones talked about this endlessly#but billie is my fav and it sucks that she got a game that only causes me to grieve for her as a character#not FOR her as a person#only the potential story that never was. that she never got.#you can have your strong black woman and not turn her into a trope. give her depth and range and heartache and agency. yes there was traged#but how did it SHAPE her?#dont get me started on her being designated caretaker of a former god and dying assassin. what the fuck#some of this i'd be more okay with if she was younger - i mean. the blank canvases? really?#this game could have been about wyman and there's not that much that would have changed in terms of the core story#“found out the asshole that killed your mother is still around. gonna go deal with that.”#emily who is stoned: “cool.bring me snacks on the way back”#wyman: “oh he's saying actually it was gods fault and that its possible to kill him. well i have literally nothing in my schedule”#billie's not surprised by anything anymore but maybe wyman would freak out over most of it. could have been a lot of fun#also you cant fuck up wymans characterisation. they barely exist.#local empress sends her enby girlboyfriend to kill god#pres writes increasingly deranged essays in the tags#death of the outsider spoilers#i have to complain about doto once every year or so or i die#but i'm not really gonna let arkane hide behind dev excuses when it comes to racism like. its not enough
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Episode 91 Nara to Neil: Is it because you know, because you know that my affection is a means to an end or do you feel something for Wynn and don't know how to say it?
Episode 95 Neil to Wynn: If this is a moment where there’s a line in the sand about us staying together, you know I’ll follow you to go die.
Episode 91 Neil to Nara: I haven’t known these things maybe for a long time, and so I just sit in inaction because I don’t know.
Episode 95 Narration of Neil by Rob: When Wynn confirms to Britta that she’s in love with Kabir, Neil goes stock still.
#path of night podcast#i am the very definition of this meme#there's gotta be something here right??? right???????#what would be real fun that would be an absolutely massive undertaking would be pulling out all these little moments between neil and wynn#that could potentially show some sort of interest from neil bcuz lbr u are lying to yourself if u didnt at some point go hm neil and wynn??#so was the ladder neil admitting to himself he doesn't know if he's in love with wynn or was the ladder confirming that he is in love#with wynn bcuz its his own sub conscious who posited this#and how long do you have to be thinking about something for it to manifest in the ladder#we got suicidal neil and neil possibly in love with wynn in one fell swoop#the ladder was just chalk full of so many implications there for everyone ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh#also hmmmm parallels between neil's ladder with the new york skyline and the suicide talk to wynn and neil on the roof at the rave talking#hmmmmmmmmmm#why do i do this to myself#its so much searching and then fucking around with puncuation sorry for the atrocious punctuation i am not a transcriber#theres also no way to accurately capture tone of voice or the silences and emphases imo#like wynn when she says yeah to answer britta's question on whether she's in love with kabir#also considered including the follow up “he doesn't mean the most to me but i am in love with him” line from wynn like cmon#im dying here
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ur ass HAS NOT felt grief till uve felt it sober
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I got let go yesterday. And I'd been in the middle of a long multi-day conversation over VMs with my mum about all sorts of highly theoretical stuff we're interested in, like analyzing different types of creativity, and building conscious social spaces and so on. So I had sent her a couple messages in the morning, and then I sent one more after work, which started with "Sorry for the delay, I got briefly distracted from this conversation by losing my job, but I'm back now!" And proceeded to keep rambling enthusiastically about accepting creative inspiration without discriminatory pre-judgement when it comes to you, and all the rest of the stuff we'd been chatting about. Not gonna lie, I enjoyed being able to say that.
#cosmo gyres#personal#work life#text#my company is being basically killed by ai#so they're letting pretty much everyone go it appears#tbh i've felt for a while now that the human translation industry is dying#so it's almost a relief to finally be able to stop desperately giving it CPR#and take a step back and look around for something else to do#only inconvenient that i spent 7 fucking years of my life studying this field#just in time for it to become largely obsolete#now i'm a tired middle-aged person with an utterly useless skill set#looking into the possibility of a bildungsgutschein (fully funded career retraining)#but there's a lot of info out there and it's overwhelming#plus i'm not looking forward to having to study in german AGAIN :')#i love this language but it sucks as a medium for higher education#a couple of native-speaker friends told me the same thing just yesterday lol
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i've also realized that there is no therapy that can fix what's broken inside of me
#therapy wont give me a place to belong. a person to call my home.#therapy where i sit and talk about how all i want is to love and be loved and i'll never feel whole without it wont solve anything#guess i just need to study and get an education for a job that i think i could be capable of#and then distract myself with books and shows and nature#the problem is that loneliness permeates my every cell and my every moment and being#im losing interest in humanity and society#literature is barely even interesting to me anymore bc i feel so fkn far away from humanity#and what makes u human.. that i cant connect with any of what i try to consume#i just... dont care. music doesnt even do anything for me anymore#i feel so numb in one way#but also i often feel like im panicking. how is this possible? how did i end up here?#im like actually fading away from this earth and it sometimes feels like#it wont even matter if i do#what is trying to take ahold of me and stop me from fading....?#idec anymore. even if i do get a job and an apartment i'll still be empty bc all i want is. smth i can never have? is that really how it is#i dont even require that much#that is what is so .. terrible almost#i just want one connection that is special to us both. smth close smth deep smth that i can pour everything into#i look around and almost everyone have more than one person even by them.... what did i do wrong?#i must've done smth very very wrong from the start to even end up here#it doesnt matter. i fade and i fade and i fade... i think i will keep doing so#because no matter how much other ppl - ppl who themselves have love and closeness in their lives. who have friends and partners and family.#no matter how much they parrot empty lines of 'learn how to be alone!!' 'life can be whole and fulfilled even alone' ..#i dont want that. i really dont. deep in my soul i do not want that#so their words are completely... condescending even. yes i CAN do all of that. i mean fuck#i am surviving feeling alone more than most of them are since they have ppl around them lmao#but i just dont want it. i am a person meant for a deep connection... i dont even need it with multiple people#without that i feel like i am dying and nothing else matters#besides i know it's possible bc i have felt that with a person at this time of my life#so i know that it's not smth distant or unachievable... it does exist and i want it bc it's the only thing that made me
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moving in silence so my family on my mothers side doesnt piss me off about things that r not their business 🙏🏽
#txt#its crazy like 'you should-' i should nothing shut the fucj up#these ppl literally sick n dying because they REFUSE to seek help wanna tell ME how to live my life? yall r miserable!#literally so fucking irritating like if i start to live my life the way these people want me to ill just kill myself#but if i say that im crazy and rude#sorry im just mad as hell today and im gonna have to be around everyone tomorrow n saturday and Ugh.
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Something that makes reading TOA so devastating is how fucking much Apollo feels about Everything. There’s so MUCH. Like I don’t even know how to describe it to you if you haven’t read the books yourself. He has so many complicated thoughts and emotions about just about everything and he cares about everything so much and there is just SO MUCH going on in his head. And yet none of it ever reaches his mouth!!
He almost never says what he’s feeling. What little comes out of his mouth about his thoughts barely even scratches the surface of what he actually means. Like he’ll be having a long ass monologue about how incredible someone is, showing a deep understanding of them as a person and empathizing with them so hard you’d almost think it’s projection but it’s not he’s legitimately just mind melding with this random person he met like a week ago and he’s thinking the softest, kindest thoughts about them like he knows they’re fucking incredible - and what comes out of his mouth is just like, “you’re a wonderful friend :)” AND ITS LIKE. THERES SO MUCH MORE UNDER THE SURFACE. the sheer admiration and adoration he has for everyone around him……… UGHHH!!! But he never VOICES ANY OF IT!!!!!! He never tells anyone about what Zeus did to him……. He never tells anyone except the reader about his realization that Zeus is abusive…. He never even tells commodus about how much he adored him, not then and not now… he refuses to tell anyone when he’s in pain or tries to justify the things he does when he actually had Decent Reasons for why he did something… I’m. I’M. AUGH. AHHHHH
HE DOESN’T EVEN TELL US ALL OF HIS THOUGHTS IS THE THING. THERES EVEN MORE THAT HE IS NOT TELLING US!!!!! THE FUCKING OCEAN OF FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS HE HAS ABOUT EVERYTHING IS THE CLIFF NOTES VERSION. I AM IN DISTRESS.
And YET…. Even what slips out of his mouth is so fucking devastating it is SO devastating. He’s so fucking kind and gentle with Harley and Meg and and other younger Demis and his kids… he’ll act like an obstinate idiot and then turn around say something that drags the core of the person he’s talking to into the light like nail on the fucking HEAD like he reached into their soul and gave them the words to express something that they were struggling to say aloud or that they didn’t even realize about themself. Around the 2nd book he starts putting voice to some of his feelings and thoughts about others and even that tiny fucking sliver is overwhelming to the people he’s talking to bc he’s SO. AUGHHHH
#this is why ‘reading the TOA books’ fics fucking slap btw. because as embarrassing as his thoughts can be#so many of them are just incoherent screaming about how he loves everyone around him. devastating#like imagine helping out ur loser deadbeat dad who you don’t really know much about bc he’s flighty and hard to read#and finding out ‘wow he cares about us a lot more than I thought’#bc he literally almost dies to save you/your siblings and keeps following you all around everywhere#but he’s still like. your weirdo absentee dad. u don’t know hardly anything new about him other than an apparent suicidal streak#and then u find out that the whole time he was whining about chicken nuggets or whatever he was internally sobbing abt how much he loves u#and every time u were nearby he was going ‘MY BEAUTIFUL PERFECT BABY… JUST AS INCREDIBLE AS THEIR MORTAL PARENT!!!! BEAUTIFUL LIKE THE SUN!#HOW DID I EVEN MAKE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PERFECT BABY. UNREAL. THEY CANT BE MINE!? BUT THEY ARE!!! LOOK AT THEMMM!!?!!! IM SO PROUD……#my beautiful perfect angels… all of their parents best traits and none of our worst…. I am Barely restraining myself from sobbing#i would give u the WORLD if my father wouldn’t kill me for it :(‘#and it’s like. wow. okay dad. um. would have been nice to know that when we were all dying in The War#Please Hug Me Though.#imagine being a Random Ass Demigod who didn’t go on a big special quest or something like you are literally just Some Guy#and finding out that this weirdo loser god u gave a sandwhich to or something thinks you are so fucking cool#your own parent doesn’t know ur name but Apollo knows u on sight and read ur soul within the 2 seconds yall talked and he thinks you rock#how are you supposed to respond to that.#snack time#toa#longpost
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grown ass woman and you didn't even know Rhodesia? Please pray some Paradox Interactive games like eu4 or hoi4. look it up. Please this is depressing if even weird smart girls don't know basic history
hey guys. get a load of this fucking moron.
#mad i'm not your red scare coquette who knows about rhodesia huh. your weird smart girl manic pixie dream girl fantasy#i'm a high school dropout from rural fucking new hampshire in the US you useless fucking piece of shit.#like unfortunately you caught me in a worse mood than usual but get so fucking close right now. get so fucking close#girls who look up countries and terms they havent heard of before to understand posts >>>>> girls who know about rhodesia and send this ask#ooooh i wouldn't be this pissed off if you hadn't called me a weird smart girl like you're trying to pretend you respect me but waow#god fucking forbid i admit what i don't know and that i looked stuff up to learn. which i did on purpose.#because plenty of other people don't know stuff and are afraid to admit that they look stuff up to learn.#and i prefer to be someone that others are comfortable around. who makes other people feel more comfortable being imperfect#that's too much for you i guess.#shouldn't even respond to anons like this but i really want to get some strong hatred for you manifesting#everyone who reads this think really hard about anon dying in a fire#or just stepping on a lot of legos if you're a gentler soul#replies
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sorry for the lighting but i feel like you can still tell what’s going on and it’s not like a portfolio picture so yay ya yay stuff from school now that it’s properly started :) we were doing self portraits inspired by books from the library and mine was a collection of sci fi movie posters which is something i’ve never done before :]
#obligatory personal stuff doesn’t get as much interaction but luckily i’m posting for ME!!! YIPPEEEEEE!!!!#artists on tumblr#sci fi art#and those will be my two tags for today :)#hoping to take a break from assignment and do a proper slimepompurin later today like i said i wanted to#not that i’ve ever been good at doing things ive said i want to do#cause i also want to print my ballot and do laundry#we did a little walk around look at other peoples work in their sketchbooks and write them sticky notes and i got six fucking sticky notes#everyone in the class had 3 each#like logically if everyone was at a sketchbook each time and didn’t double up the most you should get is three#i got six i was so overwhelmed but they were so nice#like i had to take anxiety meds but in a good way if u know what i mean#did wonders for my imposter syndrome i feel so much better#taking an illustration course btw!!! i’ve said that on my main but not here so if you look at my mess of tags you get that bit of lore#i’m an international student :) very scary but very excited i already feel good about it unless i forget to take meds in which case it feels#like i’m dying#medicated though!! i feel so excited i’ve always wanted to go to art school#and i did Not Like the US#so i’m in the Uk now and there aren’t guns everywhere and they know how to make stall doors properly thank god#more comfortable pissing here then i am in my home town#partially cause it’s illegal for me to do that in my home town
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Stares off into the distance. Garp believes in Luffy so much. Believe isn't even the right word, he knows. He knew Roger. He knows if there's anyone who's going to do it, it's Luffy. He knew it early on and it terrified him. Just as he knew Roger's sotry, he knows how this story ends. He's terrified. He loves his grandson. He knows who he works for. He knows the powers in charge. But Luffy kept proving the world wrong again and again and again and even he couldn't deny anymore that if there's anyone who can make it and survive, it's Luffy. He's so damn proud, he always has been. Luffy's going to be the one and he knows it to be a fact as given as the sea.
#{ ooc } ✗ 「 wenp reporter 」#[ logs on for the first time in a while#[ immedietly sees lala's reply to the bingo#[ has a real normal one for a moment#[ RAGH. garp going im proud of him @ sengoku garp saying you haven't seen anything yet at the levely#[ garp constantly being shown of being proud and happy for luffy when he's not. around luffy. raaghhhhhhhh#[ he is so messed up#[ i will die on the hill that when shirahoshi referred to him by 'luffy's grandfather' instead of 'vice-admiral garp' 'garp the fist/hero'-#[ -etc. was one of the best days in his life. this man is a living legend and he'll go down in history as luffy's grandfather and he'd be#[ so damn happy ab it#[ gh! fucked up old man learn how to show how much you love your family to your family instead of your coworkers Now!!!#[ gh. okay normal moment is over <- sorray guys im dying a thousand deaths and havent rp'd in so long :(#[ every know in then i will think ab my fucked up old man from the trenches (gh. get me out of here) and i will be so os normal about it#[ Sighs. once again apologizes for absences and hopes everyone taking care
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had myself an ugly time rereading some good ol' 80s comics, which feature imho some of the most devastating pages in dc comics history. tl;dr, its after '85 crisis, meaning kara has died (dick giorlando you live up to your name) and has also been pretty much wiped from existence in very comics fashion. she doesn't appear in continuity from '85 crisis until 2001, i dont think--with one exception. christmas with the super-heros #2 (1989). my babygirl.
its not super complicated--each hero gets their own little story on how they spend their holiday, helping others (superman), feeling sad about robin (batman), let some rich guy pretend to be santa (hal and barry), and deadman possess a repo man to make him give money to the people he's hurt. he also sends some wine and presents to his old friends.
and he's lonely. no one can see him. what's the point? is misery the reward for his acts of good?
and if they were going to do crisis.......
why the FUCK didnt they at least give us something like this.
#god im back in a comics kick rn#you can ignore this but like#fucking hell man#can you imagine?#a kara who agrees to be wiped from memory...if it means saving everyone#maybe it wont fix everything--maybe lex is still out there and a homicidal xenophone#maybe her friends lives are duller#maybe in essence she goes the way of her people#maybe kal only ever learns of their culture through holograms#but the world is saved. they might not know her but theyre safe#i also rewatched no way home not too long ago and that got me thinking general amnesia as well but like. oof#these two pages just make me FERAL like...two dead people talking to each other. was it fair? no. dying isn't usually fair#just...kara as a guardian angel. kara reminding people why theyre heroes when they cant remember (when they cant remember her)#something about it man....love it or hate it crisis 85 was ambitious and iconic and if youre going to toss around its name...#you better come to fucking play#as usual the cw showed up and shot a baby in face and then said my work here is done and vanished#ugh. back to your scheduled programming
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