#everyone around me is a borderline nazi

[void-snakat]

Plan to get a binder in rural Appalachia :3

> It's Halloween in October. > Say I want to cosplay as a guy character or a flat character (prbly the latter for safety :3) > My Dad (<- the main bigot (when it comes to politics mom just listens to him)) is weeb, dweeb and a nerd (only derogatory cause fuck him) so if I am going for accuracy he might let me have one for the costume. > But until then I have to be EXTREMELY not sus ;3 > So he doesn't think I'll keep it or use it after the costume > AND hope he doesn't take it immediatly after so I can't use it > Let's hope this works cause some days I'm this close 🤏 to taping or other non-savory things (like a break down don't worry Abt me) :D

[majorbaby]

i wanna be objective about this because i do think hp fanon is a wonderful case study considering how old it is and how rich it is and how many people who grew up there are still actively participating in fandom... but i’m caught between that and feeling pretty sore about the whole thing. 

i am on the side of us collectively speaking out against her transphobia but it’s important to note that it was heralded by her other unsavoury behaviour and similarly, i’m amongst the ranks of fans who tried to bring that stuff into the conversation many, many years before we got to this point. 

asian fans spoke out against the tokenism of cho chang and the patil sisters. gay people questioned the convenience of her announcement re: dumbledore’s sexuality. when jewish people said plainly that having the bankers of the hp world be actual goblins was a disturbing parallel to how jews are portrayed in antisemitic propaganda, they were told that actually jkr had based the persecution of ‘muggle borns’ by the ‘pureblood’ authority on nazi germany so shouldn’t they be grateful for that and furthermore wasn’t that reading a bit too much into the whole thing? 

there’s always been that fan who loves the thing just as much as everyone else, enough to point out the people that the thing and the fandom around the thing is attacking or leaving behind and that fan is almost always shouted down or here on tumblr or vagued about disparagingly etc. now, i’ve chosen to curate my internet feed/s enough so that i never have to see a potterhead publicly potterheading in my space, but what i do still encounter a lot from allies is “man i can’t believe the woman who wrote the progressive and beloved harry potter series turned out to be a TERF :(” 

i could go on about how TERF-ism and white supremacy are linked but this post isn’t about that. this post is about how the signs were definitely there. i don’t think i could’ve predicted what a massive fucking transphobe JKR turned out to be but in retrospect, considering her borderline-to-outright racism and antisemitism (and likely other -isms) and her reactions to even general criticisms of her work like... i definitely think the fandom being similarly unwilling to hear such criticisms has resulted in a lot of the incredulousness around her recent coming-out as being a powerful member of the far right celebrity elite. it’s a coming-out because she’s likely held these positions for a long time, she’s just comfortable stating them out in the open now because the far-right has identified and is marketing trans people, specifically transwomen, as a scapegoat for all of society’s current problems, same as it ever was. 

people and fans of hp were pointing out those early signs as they occurred but here we are anyway. it still happens. you’re entitled to have your gut-feeling about someone who is being critical about a thing you love (which is usually a thing that they also love) but later when you’ve calmed down think about where that gut feeling actually comes from. 

i don’t want to point out this ongoing problem without providing any solutions to it but this is partially just me venting about what it is like being a racialized fan. it still fucking sucks. even when the tide finally starts to turn it’s like, k, but i left and/or was pushed out of this fandom 10 years ago because even when i’m not being vagued about or treated like a thorn in someone’s side, whenever we are moralizing content and fandom, it’s done in the most shallow of ways, still. 

[liebgotts-lovergirl]

Hiya bestie, welcome back! 💕 8, 9, and 16 for the violence ask game?

Aw thank you so much, bestie!! 💖 I had to give these some serious ponderance lol

♥ 8.) Common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about?

Way too many people seem to have a very tough/borderline violent badboy idea of Lieb but I will live and die by Soft!Lieb, I don't even care. Dude literally risked his life to comfort and save Ed Tipper and was the oldest child in his family, taking care of his younger siblings. Yes he was a ruthless interrogator and yes he had a hatred for Nazis but that is exactly why the contrast is so striking and I wish we saw that more!

♥ 9.) Worst part of canon?

Skip's death. Knowing all that I know about the amazing person he was, it just really hits extra hard because we all needed someone like that in our lives at some point and it's a crime that he didn't get to live into old age like he deserved. I mean, Jesus Christ, he died at age 22. I'm 24 now and like, I can't even properly fucking fathom that.

But also, on a lighter note, why do we all seem to routinely ignore the fact that Bill Guarnere actually ended up getting an STI?? Why are we not talking about this more? You just know people never let him live that down. It's awful but it's fucking Hilarious imo 🤣

♥ 16.) You can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)?

It took me so fucking long to finally understand the Friends-To-Lovers trope (Ik, Ik, boo me 💀) because I've only ever been extremely disappointed when my guy friends end up crushing on me lol. My friendships and my love life are generally pretty separate-- I don't have male friends that I'm attracted to, I just don't. If I'm attracted to someone, I make a move; it's very simple lol. So it took me a really long time to be able to wrap my head around the notion. Reading hella good fics-- *cough* LAGLAM and SBT *cough*-- made me come around to understanding it but it took a lot of time up to that point to get me there! 🤣

Thank you so much for the ask, my darling!! 💖

[dzpenumbra]

8/22/23

I went skating again today. It was pretty awkward. The park was split up into basically 3 separate cliques through the hour and a half I was there. There was a group of young college-aged guys on the left side of the park, maybe 4 of them. There was an eclectic group of rollerbladers on the side I usually skate on. And one of the kids that I had met before was there with what looked like his brother or something.

I was kind of a lone wolf again. I skated without earbuds for a good chunk of the session. I didn't really hesitate to get into skating, the park wasn't very crowded. I wanted to skate the low box, but the group of 4 was kinda just camping right next to it doing flatground and I just didn't want to deal with the hassle, so I kinda just roamed around.

About half an hour in, some friends of the rollerbladers showed up and set up a bluetooth speaker on the opposite side of the park... and started blasting corny early 90's hip-hop music. And... maybe it's just me? But blasting music at a skatepark is kind of a no-no... unless you have the park to yourself or you're just there with your friends. Not everyone wants to listen to your shit, it's pretty disruptive, and playing music loud can kinda drown out the sound of people around you, which can actually be pretty dangerous. I just popped my earbuds in there. I wasn't about to make a scene. They clearly didn't take a hint and kept blasting the music the entire duration of my session, likely until after I left.

Look, I want to be inclusive, I really do. I try very hard to treat people based on their intentions. I don't really think anyone there was intending harm or disruption, I just... okay, this analogy might work. A guy showed up wearing what I would best describe as a cartoon version of an 80's punk "uniform". Studs on a random strap, pink caution tape around his... helmet? (sorry, modern helmets weren't very punk...) Jeans, jean vest and big handwritten back-patches on the jean vest. One I don't remember, the other said in all caps "FIGHT NAZIS". Which... I'm guessing is like... a political thing? Like a borderline extremist LGBTQ thing is like the closest I can guess to it? I'm clearly out of the loop here, maybe I just don't understand the reference. I don't even know what that message is really supposed to mean... like... am I supposed to fight people that I think are Nazis? Or are you declaring that's what you do? Like... is that an order? Where are the Nazis? Why not start with something closer to home, like... bigots and bullies... and work your way up to fringe political extremists? I don't know.

It's just weird to me mostly because like... my grandfather fought the actual Nazis. My grandfather was one of the first to discover and help liberate Birkenau. And... I have my theories on how that may have pretty severely fucked up my family, but of course... they'd all have to actually talk about shit for me to even find out, so it's merely speculation. So like... calling weird extremist hate groups in the US "Nazis" is just weird to me... Like... I wouldn't even really give them the satisfaction of identifying with that party, it's been dead for 80+ years.

And then it just gets into this whole mess with like... eye for an eye shit, you know? Like... blatantly advocating for violence, even against hate groups... It just makes me uncomfortable. But hey, maybe that's the intention. Maybe the intention of the caution tape and the spikes and the "I FIGHT BAD PEOPLE" is to send a message that they are a dangerous violent person that is not to be fucked with. And maybe they want to play that role in their social group, even if they are a skinny balding guy in their early 20's. And who am I to take that fantasy from them, simply because it makes me uncomfortable to see anyone advocating for violence.

My point with going into that deep analysis of this guy's outfit was... it seemed like a few of the people in that group were kinda just wearing... what looks like appropriate clothing... Like... actors. Like they were playing a role in a play or something. And I really want people to like... feel welcome and part of the community if they want to ride a board or a scooter or a bike or rollerblades or a ripstick or whatever. But like... there's a culture to skateparks, and that does not tend to be one of exclusion... it tends to be one of sorta... we're all here for the same reason, like... there isn't a uniform, you know? This resonates deeper with some than others, but yeah, it's a general thing. So like... I feel like it's way more important to understand the etiquette of skateparks than to "dress the part". Basic shit, like... be aware of people around you, don't sit on obstacles or just stand in the middle of the park doing nothing, take note if someone is skating an obstacle near you, so you can time your runs so you don't overlap. And... try not to blast music that sounds like a 90's soda commercial for an hour to the entire neighborhood.

Big vent for such a small thing. I felt a lot of eyes on me today. And I'm sure it's due to my past experiences. I don't know. I was the oldest person at the park by close to a decade, I would wager. I don't think anyone else there was over 25. I was skating alone. I just... kinda felt a lot of judgmental eyes on me. It brought me back to an experience I had at the retreat where I detoxed off meds.

When I was in that retreat, I was the second oldest person for about... a month... until my roommate (who had just turned 40) left. Then I was the oldest person there by over a decade. This was a big house that was reconfigured to be a treatment center kinda thing, we all lived there. Most of the people there were LGBTQ, and I was... the only non-staff straight male there. I really tried to include people and treat people like... people. I had a friend in a prior therapy group who was a trans woman and we ended up being pretty close friends, we played music a lot together. I really don't feel like it's any of my business what someone's sexuality is... or their personal journey of self-exploration, self-expression and self-discovery/manifestation. I mean, look at how many times the word "self" shows up there. That's not my business. And I really just try to judge people based on their actions and their decisions, not by superficial shit like race, religion, gender or sexual preference. It should very rarely cause friction in every day interactions.

What ended up happening there was... I was going through a rough patch. I wasn't sleeping well at all. I was forced to change my room when my roommate left, and the new room was incredibly loud. I was getting maybe 6 hours of sleep a night and woken up violently, even with noise generators (sound familiar?). I was very vocal about how it was becoming a problem, and the staff literally turned it into a joke. On Christmas, they got me gag gifts like a book full of boring facts to "help you sleep". ... When I am being woken up by fucking trauma responses every morning by one of the residents stomping around and making all kinds of noise directly outside my room.

This resident was a trans woman who, upon first arriving to the retreat, I had befriended. She liked being outside in the woods and wanted to learn more outdoor skills, within the restrictions of what a mental health facility would allow. I spent a huge amount of time clearing trails and hauling rocks, trying to make decorative art in the woods and shit. I showed her around, taught her the few things I knew, because I was sorta... self-teaching as I went. We got along fine.

Long story short, my depression hit hard as I was detoxing and I was very irritable and dealing with intense family trauma and felt extremely isolated and alone. I felt extremely out of place. It was taken very personally by the trans woman I used to be friends with, and her non-binary friend. These two decided to "ally" and call me out as being "outwardly aggressive" towards them - in a group therapy session - accused me of "toxic masculinity", which was the first time I had heard that phrase... and... honestly, I'm not really sure what they were even trying to accomplish with all of that. If they wanted me to... stop? Or if they wanted me gone? Or just... punished or publicly shamed? I really don't know what the goal was.

I was genuinely taken aback. It blindsided me. Yeah, there were a lot of personality quirks from them that I really... found obnoxious. That grated on my nerves and at times I would avoid those traits. But no more than anyone else. I definitely wasn't singling anyone out, and surely not in any form aggressive. I have no clue to this day what the "toxic masculinity" thing was about. When I was first confronted in the group, I asked them specifically what things I had done that had upset them, so that I could give my side of the story. And they just... didn't seem to have any specific examples. This woman and I shared the same therapist, and he was encouraging this. There was a lot of them talking over me and interrupting me, it didn't really feel like they were in any way interested in what my experience or my life was... they just kinda wanted me to be punished... because I was upset, grieving, depressed and super on-edge. And they decided to make it about them. Like... literally the only things I was upset about that were about them? One would laugh extremely loudly at all hours, and one would clean the bird cage pretty loudly in the room right on the other side of my bed every day and dump the bird shit on the ground right where I would walk my dog, so I had to stop her from eating bird shit every day. That was like... it.

I met with my therapist after the confrontation. I was incredibly anxious. I was like... shaking. These people were 10 years my junior and I was like... trembling like a fucking leaf. He expressed gratitude for me dealing with it, and... somehow got me to sign up for doing it again? As a way to like... help them work through it? And he encouraged me to speak freely and to share my stories with them. And... I really didn't have much of a choice, I guess... If I didn't show up, they would just see that as like... someone not showing up to a "peace treaty" or something.

It was a Friday afternoon. A special meeting scheduled specifically for this. Literally every person was there. Every resident, every staff. I have no fucking clue why, and... in hindsight? It was super inappropriate. It was a fucking witch trial. And I was seated at the apex of the circle in the room. And they just fucking went after me. About how I would constantly be "glaring" and "storming" around the house, and that was clearly about them... not the fact that I was 32, I lost all my friends and family, I had no career and no visible future and I was stuck in a house detoxing off of mood stabilizers with a full house of people who had fuck-all in common with me and had zero intentions of showing any interest in anything I liked. Not for lack of trying. But yeah, that was clearly about those specific two people, who just happened to constantly hijack every group session to make it about themselves. Yep, me going through a severe depression episode while detoxing off of medications and coping with losing my entire family is definitely me being "toxic" and "aggressive" directly towards the person who goes around the house burping as loud as they possibly can so they can get peoples' attention. Yep.

The witch trial did not go well. But... no shit, right? At some point, after figuring out what toxic masculinity was... I tried to appeal to them that like... less than a year ago at that point one of my best friends in that therapy group was a trans woman... That I had a really good friend in college that was gay, my friend's father and his partner who lived nearby were gay. I have an uncle who has been openly gay my whole life. My grandmother was a women's rights activist. I am actually... considered pretty distinctly feminine compared to most males that I meet around my age... to the point where I have been bullied most of my life, and it's absolutely ongoing. I'm pretty scrawny, I'm a pacifist, I'm extremely emotionally sensitive, I love cooking and gardening. Good lord, even my ads on Instagram and Reddit think I'm a mid-30's woman sometimes. I mean... my therapist who I trusted more than anyone else in that building was gay for fuck's sake! I felt like letting them know past relationships would help assure them that I am not... a bigot... Somehow... this had the complete opposite effect. It was like I just chummed the water for sharks. It started sending massive pulses of adrenaline through my system. I was shamed. I was accused. I was insulted. I was dismissed and talked over. In front of the entire residency and staff.

I couldn't take it. Walking hot coals was easier than sitting there and taking it; literally, I've done both. It was not just them... it was all the past trauma of having to explain myself when I haven't done anything wrong. When I was just being myself. Being accused of being "outwardly aggressive" when I was depressed and frustrated with things in my life. Being told I had "anger problems" and having my brain scanned for brain damage when I was just... a moody teenager. A life of being put on trial, being "guilty until proven innocent" (and we have no intentions of even trying to prove you innocent)... it just flooded back in emotional overwhelm. My eyes welled up with tears. I stormed out. I said "I can't take this anymore" or something. And I took my dog and we left. And I went to the front door and was going to go out for a drive, and a staff member came up behind me. A nice woman a bit younger than me who was always very kind to me. She gave me a hug from behind and said "I'm sorry for what you just went through." And I said "thank you" and cried, and she actually cried with me. And then I got in my car and drove very fast and very recklessly on a gravel road in a nearby National Park while singing along to this:

I miss screaming in my car. I got so fucking good at screaming for a while there. I legit could've been a vocalist for a metal band, I just never had the confidence to try out for one. It did so much good for me emotionally. Not just purely because of the whole like... exertion is a good way of getting stress out kinda thing... but like... the tactile feeling of a vibration like that running through your head, throat and torso is just... it's such a surreal feeling, like a cleansing feeling. I miss it a lot.

So yeah, needless to say... that fucking stuck with me. Like... they dunked me head-first into one of my worse phobias with no warning whatsoever, and then like... coerced me into signing up for it again... and my fawning response was just like... "yeah sure, why not, if it'll help them out (and end this for me for good)". It just added to my confrontation trauma massively.

And now... now when I feel those looks? That's kinda where this came from. There were two trans women at the park. And they seemed nice enough, and they were actually there to skate, which was fucking great. They were the rollerbladers, and a young woman with them too. And... I could kinda feel what my instincts were telling me were kinda... cautious glares. Like I was being scanned as a potential threat, because I'm the embodiment of CIS male or something. And it flashed me back. And just typing it out? I feel bad. I can see how so much dissonance happens in the world.

I was going over this in my head while making dinner tonight. Like... say someone who looks similar in appearance to me... treats them like shit... so they're really cautious around me and kinda judge me a bit and keep their distance. (hypothetically) But in my case... one of those people... lashed out at me. And traumatized me. So... I am being really cautious around them, and kinda judging them and keeping my distance. Because I don't want to upset them or make them uncomfortable, but also because I want to keep myself safe. And the dude hanging out with them with the "FIGHT NAZIS" patch kinda... didn't help. But I could just see so clearly how like... echoes of our traumatic experiences can just... cause ripples over and over, back and forth. Like... me being anti-social with them today... could make them feel less safe and excluded around skaters - despite me having more of a problem with their friends who played loud music and rode ripsticks than with them. And then when they next go to the skatepark, they will keep their distance and be cold and suspicious towards a new set of people, who know nothing about any of this. And the ripples continue.

Shit like this runs through my head all the time. I wish I had a cool way of expressing this artistically. I had some ideas, but nothing as visceral and impactful as what I want to express. This idea that like... you have no idea what someone else's experience is. At all. Me today? I had some awkwardness because of latent minor trauma responses that may have made me look cold or a bit... grumpy? Or even angry? But really, I was glad to see new people at the park that were actually taking it seriously and learning new tricks, and not ashamed to wear full pads. I wish I had had the courage to tell them that, I'm sure it would've made their day. Also, my hip was acting up a little and I was just kinda weak from skating so much the day before, that was grumping me out a bit.

But like... I really want to find a way to capture the expression of how differently two people can experience the same situation. And how you just... you never know what someone else's experience is. Like... that young kid that I had met last week, he was there today and we were acting friendly enough... but like... I tried to get his friend/brother/whatever to teach me how to do slappy 50-50s on some metal, and we all went one after another to try it... and then they rode off together and started laughing. Were they laughing at me? My anxiety said "yes, duh". Who fucking knows. Who fucking cares. Do I need to speculate on that? And how impactful really is the end result of that? What, these guys end up kinda being assholes? Oh well. Big loss... Better to find out sooner rather than later...

But in reality, they were probably not laughing at me at all. There's no way of telling. And I really want to put myself in a mode where I can really... give people benefit of the doubt.

But honestly? I'm just fucking scared to. Because I have a lot in the past. I had friends hide the murder of a college friend from me for 7 fucking years, and they said they did it "for my own good", because they deemed I wasn't "in a condition to handle it". Good thing I had two people 5 years younger than me right there to keep me safe from reality, thank the lord. But my response back then? My first response? "Well, they meant well. They had good intentions. I should immediately forgive them." Clearly fawning.

That's the mess I'm in right now. This like... toggling between fawning and suspicion. Being a naïve childlike entity that sees the good in everyone, even if their intentions are not good... and then flipping to traumatized, scared to walk on the street or else I'll get robbed. I hope I can get some equilibrium with that soon, I can tell it's out of whack.

People who have passed my friend-or-foe test... which is not rigorous at all... can still hurt me. In fact, the people who have hurt me most have been the ones closest to me. And strangers can be really really nice, too. That shit is just so hardwired into the PTSD brain, it's very black-and-white and really hard to break out of.

I've noticed this on agoraphobia support groups, something I'm newly seeing as like... a pattern in a lot of people like me. Where they are in unhealthy relationships... maybe they grew up in really unhealthy relationships, too... and they struggle to leave the house. I bet if you asked them, they say "it's not safe out there", "it doesn't feel safe out there." You feel watched, you feel judged, you feel unsafe. It feels like you're on borrowed time or something, like the clock is ticking before something bad happens. That's been my experience, anyway. And home is... safe, predictable.

I'm starting to wonder if that's a projection coping mechanism. If really... home is unsafe. Home is dangerous. But processing that thought... that would mean... nowhere is safe. Because out there is always more dangerous than home. The wilderness is always more dangerous than the camp. So, with rudimentary blind logic... if home is not safe... nowhere is safe. And the survival mechanisms really don't want to acknowledge that, that's a bit too scary to process. Instead, it doubles-down on home. It's like all of that unsafe feeling that is being absorbed from home is just being redirected over to the outside world, and keeping you trapped in a toxic environment. At least, that's what happened with me. Several times.

Maybe it's just some cases, I don't know. Maybe experiencing bigger trauma out in the world can sorta... make you look past the shit happening in your home, or normalize it.

To be honest, I'm a bit iffy anxiety-wise today. But I loved skating. I didn't really get to skate the box I wanted to today, it was kinda occupied the whole time. But I landed a few popped nollie shove its today, that was a new one. I really wanted to learn shove it off the box. That was my goal as I was riding home yesterday. I tried to do ollie onto the angled box, nollie off... but that was really weird and I couldn't really figure it out. You kinda have to go fast for that. Then I figured I could try nollie shove it, it's actually a bit easier to land. But I never landed it, I was too scared to commit. But overall, I am getting much more comfortable with shove its, just through sheer repetition. I think nollie shove it was the only new trick I landed today. I did try FS noseslide, and kinda got close to it... like I kinda got a feel for the angle I need to be at? But it's still spooky.

Welp, I guess the big thing for today is... anxiety. It's been growing all day. Now I'm looking at the thing I'm being anxious about the most - the tab with the art collective website open next to this. "Figure Drawing Social", $15, 6-8pm every other wednesday. And... I didn't buy the ticket. I didn't send the email. I'm legit nervous.

When I was in college, I got on stage in front of an audience wearing a crop top, silver spandex short-shorts, a clip-on bow tie and a wizard mask... and played improvised drums (which is not my primary instrument). I did not feel the level of stage fright that I do now. So... I'm going to explore that before I go to bed.

What am I afraid is going to happen that's... bad? My impulses are saying... "naw..." They're pushing me away. Why? "Because what's the point? You can't be an artist anyway." That's literally what ran through my head. "Why spend money on that? You're not 'allowed' to be a career artist anyway." Hi, Depression. Like some sullen emo kid sitting on a stoop chain-smoking, "what's the point of going to the stupid party, we're all going to die anyway..." Um... because life is worth living? ... Duh?... These are the people that could potentially help me with my art. Maybe introduce me to an artist who needs an assistant and has the extra cash to like... throw my way for that? Maybe they can help me find out what galleries my shit would work in, and how to go about that process? Maybe just fellow art minds to help me figure out what the fuck I'm doing and come up with a plan to make it work? Hell, maybe just fellow creatives to just fucking make art with. Remember that?

So... what I was going to do was buy the ticket, and email the collective and say I'm new to the area and I'm looking to meet new people, but rent is crazy and I can't really swing renting a studio right now - though I'd really like to if I can find a better arrangement in the future. And I want to meet other creatives and sorta get integrated in to the local art scene, but --- okay, I guess here's where I'm not sure... is saying "I've never joined a local art scene" oversharing? Like... I feel like I toggle between saying very little and telling my whole life story, and I struggle to find the median. --- I guess I'd tell them I'm planning to attend the drawing social (I mean, it has the word social in the name...) but I'm wondering if the... social part of it tends to be towards the beginning or the end? Because in my experience, nude model drawing sessions tended to be very... serious and studious, and everyone was sorta in their own internal world and drawing. It wasn't really like a potluck where you go around and meet people.

I dunno, that's where I'm at. So... I'm not against writing to them, I'm just... I've been feeling hesitation and avoidance. And really? Low risk potential, high gain potential. Fuck it.

Alright. Well... since this entire thing has, at its core, been a stream of consciousness project... I did not plan for today. This has been my final entry into this journal. And I am woefully unprepared. I don't know how to export all of my journals from here, and I didn't prepare anything special at all for this. Because, in my experience... that's just not really what life is.

There doesn't tend to be a big neon sign for endings. Not the big ones, the meaningful ones. Some do, like graduation... or a wedding... or a scheduled divorce or something. The manufactured ones, the planned ones. But like... the organic endings in life. They don't tend to be ceremonious. I'm obviously alluding to death here, but also... growing apart... or moving on... or falling out of what you thought was love... They tend to creep up on you. You just sorta look around you and just realize... "oh, I'm here now... huh..." Just profound change - sometimes gradual, sometimes instant, but always... in more of the form of a novel experience than one of grandiosity. A "new normal", as news stations decided to chant over and over until it was so saturated with cringe and forced fake smiles that I struggle to type it.

Tonight marks a full year of my typing these entries every night. In that time, I lost friends, I lost family, I lost my cat, I lost my car, I moved, I went through many different phases of art, I started practicing yoga daily, I stopped smoking weed, I became vegetarian, I started learning how to care for plants, and... I started learning how to go out into society again and meet new people. It's been a very transformative time. I feel like I've changed dramatically, but at the same time... I haven't changed at all. It's odd.

What now? Now... I'm planning to start an art blog under my art name. I'm planning to update my art progress and share my thoughts on issues that are a bit less personal than here. Maybe addressing some of the mental health stuff in more broad strokes, but yeah. And my stream of consciousness journal will be handwritten. I have one right over on my work desk that is reserved for it. It has a quote written on the first page, here, I'll share it with you.

"...if you have, as it were taken a 'vow of poverty', renounced control, and take delight in things for themselves without reference to yourself, watching, observing, and to some extent knowing, then the question of the rights and wrongs of power and control might become utterly meaningless to you, and the means of power quite valueless." -J.R.R. Tolkien

It's an interesting thought. I'm still digesting what it fully means to me.

So yeah, I guess... thank you for reading this if you did stumble across it. Thank you for participating in my life and this project which has been essentially... me sharing my raw personal expression in a way that is "putting it out there", but deliberately not shepherding people towards it. To see who naturally finds it, what naturally seeks it out. Like placing a paper boat in a stream and watching it float downriver to see what adventures it finds. I've met some cool people along the way, and I'm glad to have made those connections.

Take care of yourselves, and take care of each other.

<3 -DZ

[havingfurrythots]

Kindness Spreaders and Recreational Haters are meant to be one and the same;

I feel like there's a misunderstanding between these two philosophies.

The Kindness Spreaders preach unending positivity, and treating everyone with respect and decency.

The Recreational Haters want to free themselves of false positivity and speak their truth.

I think these two sides are of the same coin, and neither can be performed perfectly without also embodying the other.

If you never speak anything but compliments and platitudes, they either lose their meaning, or you start to separate specific phrases semi-conciously for referring to things you genuinely feel good about, and those you do not. It chokes your emotions, you bottle up your feelings, and you burn out and become resentful. Good doesn't exist without Bad to define it, and trying to warp your perception of reality into only positivity isn't sustainable.

On the other hand, only Hating is also unhealthy. You get to vent, and keep your head clear, but it can drag down those around you, and if you aren't careful you'll start tearing apart the people and things you love. It can also create a sort of negative feedback loop, like a maligned Cognative Behavioral Therapy. Thought patterns of skipping past critical analysis directly into Hate can form.

These two sides should be embraced together.

If you allow yourself to Hate, you will find your Love becomes more tangible. Hate Recreationally; let yourself vent about the truely awful things, and throw harmless shade at dumb shit. Know that hating on the inconsequential is a method of emotional regulation, it's not a form of sincere criticism! Likewise, you must Spread Kindness to everyone you can. Even if someone is kind of a dick, that doesn't mean they're Problematic. If someone is rude, don't escalate it unless they've crossed a significant line. If they're genuinely malicious, Meet Violence With Violence. Punch Nazis or whatever. It's fine. Just remember that someone rubbing you the wrong way (METAPHORICALLY) isn't grounds for Cancelling them. Feel free to trust your instincts though, and if your Fash alarm is going off then mute/block them or hit the bricks and get out of there.

Anyways, the point is: being nice almost always matters. Hating doesn't have to be a serious affair.

Naturally, there's a good bit of finesse to all this, but I believe in you. You'll figure it out. Observe the impact your Kindness has on Others, and watch for the effect your Hating has on Yourself. Don't let it consume you, but don't reject it outright either.

Emotions require eachother's contrast to exist at all.

Trust me, I'm an expert (Adult with Borderline who's been through half of the psych meds on the market before finally coming off mood stabilizers [I still take other stuff, don't just quit your meds ok? {I'm not fucking dream}]).

Now go forth and Live.

[arrogantsoap]

I need everyone to know that if you say shit like this around me i will assume you have a weird borderline racist obsession with nazis, roman empire and the vietnam war

[boredwritergirl]

Day 31 - Channel Surfing

Hey Everybody! Thanks for joining me on this journey. the daily writing challenge is now over, so no more daily stories. Now i'll take my time to write better stuff, hopefully a couple every week, but I just got a new job so we'll see. I'll definitely be updating the blog for future news, memes and writing.

Channel Surfing

One late night, Nicole and her girlfriend Cassandra were snug on their bed, cuddling in front of their old tv. Nicole would keep her arm outstretched, her hand clutching the remote control as she would quickly flip from channel to channel. Cassandra had her arms wrapped around her girlfriend’s shoulders as her head nuzzled gently against Nicole’s arm.

“Are you ever going to pick something?” Cassandra moaned, her sleepy eyes fighting to stay open.

Nicole sighed, “I swear there’s nothing good on TV anymore.”

“You’re only looking for something to listen to while you sleep anyways, just put whatever on.” Cassandra Yawned, kissing up her girlfriend’s arm.

“I still want something good to listen to.” Nicole said. “I mean look at this shit… An unfunny genderbent James Bond parody who’s also a skeleton, Who asked for this?”

“Give it a rest, honey. I’m sure someone somewhere probably tolerates it.”

“And now there’s this crap.” Nicole says as she changes the channel again. “Now there’s that pointless story about that French resistance member that doesn’t actually do anything. It wouldn’t be so bad if things actually happened in it.”

“Just forget about it and go to sleep. You’re getting agitated.”

“I just wish they weren’t pushing out so much crap, rushed storylines, bland characters, dumb crossover ideas, flat out bad ideas, bad melodrama, it’s an endless sea of crap… I like to think people can do better, but if these are the results then I’m starting to lose hope… The only thing people seem to like are the shows that are borderline porn, when those are some of the worst written stuff being produced.”

Cassandra picked herself up and kissed her girlfriend on the lips, “Relax, sweetheart. We can always put on one of those Nuns Vs Nazis movies, we should catch up before Nuns Vs Nazis 8: SacramenKill comes out next week.”

Nicole sighed, “Sorry, those have way too many explosions for me to fall asleep to.”

“What about Good Boys?” Cassandra asked.

“What the hell is that?”

“They’re remakes of the Bad Boys movies but everyone’s replaced with dogs.”

“Fuck it, let’s give it a watch, cutie.” Nicole said before kissing her girlfriend and putting on the dumb movie, happily watching it together as they fell asleep.

[rottendyke]

Both me n my dad have OCD and he absolutely refuses to get any help for his and takes his meds inconsistently so he's constantly carrying out his rituals which stresses me the fuck out because not only does it make it about a million times harder for me to not engage in my own when I have to watch him doing it a bunch of the stuff he does like,,, goes completely against my own so then I feel like I need to carry my own out to balance shit out and it's a mess I hate living with him so much

[east-germany]

Wingicide Time (Forcibly remove me into the ocean harder Hoppywoppy daddy)

Ancom- Pidgeon wings, qui seems like the kind of person to be borderline crustpunk.

Commie-Paragon Falcon

Ancap-Some kind of super fancy ultra luxury show bird, yknow them pigeons n shits that defy god and cost more than my entire college education

Nazi-Black eagle, my boyfriends gotta look cool!

Posadist-Xe gets dragonfly wings, or some other insect y'all can fill me in in the comments

Anarcho-Monarchist-Peacock! Or a bird of paradise

Anarcho-Primitivism- Yet another bird of paradise

Homonationalist- Black swan

Conservative-Angel!!! He gets a halo too, have fun in hell you sinners

Nazbol-Half bluejay half robbin

Trans Humanist- Think somewhere between a jetpack and Till Lindemann's flame wings

Progressive- Some kinda endangered species or other weak ass shit

Socialist- Nothing too revolutionary, something rose colored of course

Political Nihlism-King vulture

Libertarian- Snake,, snake wings?? Snake scale wings?? Dear google which bird eats snakes thanks

Minarchist- @flyingaceminarchist​ can kindly remind me what type, falcon I think?

Hoppean-Goose

Anarcho Fascism- bald eagle

Queer Anarchist-Hummingbird

Insan-Attack seagul

Anti-Radical-Butcher Bird

Horseshoe Centrist-Pegasus wings! Everyone knows they're real animals you silly goose!

Radical Centrist-Yet another bird of paradise

Ape political-No

Ingsoc-Black owl

Darwin-red tailed hawk

Communalist-Hen

Egoist-Whats the most vain bird?? All he knows is preen wings scream repeat

Ahospice-golden eagle

Cultcom-Grape scented wings, whats Guyana's national bird?

Censure-Tentacles count. [redacted]

Homosoc-A feather boa, fresh from pride

Ecofash-Eagle

Esofash-Chicken (if you know you know)

Church of Euthanasia-White rumped vulture

Acid Communism-Lesser blue eared starling

Everyone else I forgot-Fuck around and find out (this is an au where everyone has wings, not just hoppywoppy)

[alienpimps]

As a former....Not really nazi, but borderline white supremacist alt-right dipshit, I'm sorry to say but you would be very incorrect, @queeranarchism. I don't know where you're making these assumptions from, and maybe you're talking about specific situations i.e. at a protest or something, but you literally cannot ever expect someone to reconsider their beliefs if they don't see the opposing beliefs being argued and won over and/or aren't given the tools to come to those realizations themselves. Logic will never win over everyone, hell it will never win over the vast majority of people, but it is still worth having these debates and "publicly owning" nazis in front of other believers. Why? Because they're either going to get defensive and cry about it, or that might be the push some of them needed to consider whether it really is an ideology that makes sense to them.

I did not leave the alt-right because nobody would debate with myself or the idiots around me. I left precisely because they would, and would poke holes in arguments, and then I'd see people far more extreme than I was arguing, and I'd be able to poke holes in their arguments thanks to the arguments people on a less extreme level than I was were having.

It is acceptable and useful to debate nazis. Because that's a small yet vital part of how you make sure there's less of them around in the future. Unless you think that people like Hasanabi aren't actually successfully doing anything by publicly doing exactly that...Which is factually not true. I have opinions on the guy but one great thing he's done is successfully show thousands and thousands of young kids and teens how unjust and full of shit the world is. He is the active pushback against the alt-right pipeline.

You cannot push against the alt-right or nazi pipeline if you do not present alternative ideas to the young and feeble minds. Simply saying "I'm right, fuck off nazi" is not enough. I know this because tumblr and the vitriolic shithole that was the liberal/leftist community on here at the time is the entire reason I became an alt-righter in the first place, because those idiots on 4chan somehow were less vitriolic than people on tumblr were. They would actually debate my liberalish views at the time. Unfortunately, I wasn't educated enough to realize that I was actually right the entire time about my viewpoints pre-4chan, but there's nothing I can do about that, because I know better now.

Edit: I also don't mean to be rude but I really don't think you should be having an opinion on this unless you've firsthand witnessed what actions are able to successfully convince and sway people. And I promise you, saying you should ignore nazis is not the solution, that is the problem. You are advocating for more nazis to exist whether you understand this or not.

Edit 2 because I'm autistic and anxious: This isn't a personal attack on you, for the record. I'm merely stating what I lived through and what I saw many others live through, and what did vs didn't work to make there be one less nazi in the world.

Edit 3 for the same reasons: It should probably go without saying, but no, for the love of all that is holy, I am not currently still an alt-righter, nazi, or white supremacist in any capacity. For fuck's sake I'm a socialist who's disabled, fervently bisexual, and borderline a radical environmentalist.

Ultimately the debate over changing the minds of our oppressors with angry words versus kind words is meaningless because it rests on the assumption that people in power will be swayed by words at all. In reality, people who have power over you have limitless ways of tuning you out or reinterpreting your words to death. It's often the case that they won't actually hear you unless there are material consequences for not doing so.

[avengersassemble-fics]

Stark Legacy

part 03/?? "you knew?"

previous part // next part

master list

word count 4.3k

It seemed like no matter what, whatever mission involved Sam and Bucky went south. Quickly. What was supposed to be an intel mission involving Wilfred Nagel turned into Zemo murdering him, and then it rained gunfire and explosions.

You had managed to get some information out of him: the CIA had recruited him after HYDRA fell, but after being dusted he was approached by the Power Broker, where he created twenty working serums that Karli now had for herself. It wasn’t good news, but it was something to work with.

And thanks to Zemo, he had a lead on Karli.

You rubbed at your neck as the group walked down a fairly barren street in Riga, Latvia. You were following Zemo’s lead to a place he said would be a safe haven during your time here. You wondered if there was time for a proper meal, or maybe even some rest. You fought back a yawn as you made it to Sam’s side as Zemo started to slow his pace in front of a building.

“We are here,” he stated and began to climb the stoop stairs and open the door. Sam followed behind him, as did you, but stopped when Bucky didn’t follow behind you. You turned back to look at him, and raised a brow,

“You good?” You asked and he pulled his gaze from behind him and to you and nodded.

“I’m fine, I’ll see you guys in a bit,” he replied. Without waiting for a response, Bucky began to head back away from you and you shook your head.

Whatever. A shower was calling your name anyway. You took the stairs by two and caught up with Zemo and Sam as they were entering Zemo’s apartment. You took a look around, it was fairly empty, but your eyes landed on the bathroom off the main room.

“Clothes?” You asked as Zemo was pouring himself a drink.

“Oeznik had our things dropped off,” Zemo simply stated. You looked around the room again and spotted your bag on a chair, and you were quick to grab it and bring it with you into the bathroom. You shut the door, locked it, and were eager to get into a hot shower.

As soon as the water hit your back you sighed happily. You could feel the tender spots the water hit and assumed bruises must be forming, and you tried to focus on something other than what had been happening the last few days. You wondered how the neighbor’s kid was doing, if his dad was doing right with him, and a pang of guilt shot through your heart about Morgan.

You’re selfish.

As soon as the words entered your mind, as if said by another voice, you finished your shower and shut the water off. Wrapping yourself in a towel, you carefully padded over the tile in the bathroom and into the connected room and rustled through your bag for something to wear. You were thankful for some alone time, and for the two men insisting you get the room to yourself while they took the couches, because it allowed you a little bit of peace.

You changed into some jeans and a shirt, but covered it with a black bomber jacket Natasha had given you after admiring one of hers. God that felt like forever ago. As you put some heels boots on, and searched for something in your bag, your fingers grazed what felt like paper. Carefully, you pulled it out and your stomach dropped at the sight.

It was folded in half, but you knew exactly what it was before unraveling it. You swore you had cleaned this bag out months ago, but clearly you were (probably drunkenly) mistaken. The colorful picture was stained along the edge, probably also your fault, but the couple in it was crystal clear.

You fought hard to not think of Steve, and yet here was a painful reminder of what you had and what you lost. You found yourself walking towards the doors that faced the outside, and easily pushed them open to reveal a terrace. The air hit you hard, but it was refreshing because your mind was racing.

You remembered the exact moment the photo was taken. It was early into the relationship, the “bad date” streak seemed to have ended, and everyone decided to go incognito to a county fair that was happening half an hour from the compound. It was a master plan from Nat, Wanda, and yourself, and thankfully everyone agreed to some R&R. It was a flawless plan, if everyone just wore caps and kept their presence on the downlow, no one would even notice.

It worked for the most part, until this photo was taken. As you leaned against the railing and looked down at the photo, you remembered how happy you were. Wanda had taken it, Vision overlooking her shoulder, and almost immediately after a kid recognized Steve. Ever being a gentleman, he agreed to signing something (you couldn’t remember what) and that’s when word spread that the Avengers were there. You rubbed your thumb over Steve’s image, and as much as you wanted to… You just couldn’t bring yourself to crumple the picture and toss it away.

Below, Bucky was making his way back to the apartment, and his mind was running as well. He knew the Dora Milaje would realize what happened with Zemo, but he didn’t expect them to find the group so fast. He needed to tell Sam about it, and as he rounded the corner he slowed his pace when he saw you outside on one of the terraces.

Bucky watched you deep in thought, staring at something in your hand. He could see the conflict in your eyes as they shifted over whatever you were looking at, he could make out your fingers tracing over what you were holding, but then you folded it up and shoved it into your pocket. At that moment you looked out over the buildings, but then realized he had been watching you. You looked him over, and took a step back into the room, and the terrace doors closed. Bucky took a deep breath and headed into the building, climbing the stairs by two until he could hear bickering on the other side of the door.

Yup, he knew this was where he needed to be. Bucky pushed open the door and walked inside, removing his jacket as the door closed behind him.

“And I’m saying that it's none of your business,” Bucky heard you saying as he entered the main room, and tossed his jacket over the couch. He continued to the kitchenette, and poured himself a drink.

“It was just a simple question,” Zemo stated and you huffed at that.

“A simple question is asking me what my favorite color is, not asking me what my reconditioning was like under HYDRA,” you said. Bucky sipped at his drink, and set the glass down at the mention.

“Back off Zemo,” Bucky warned. Sam entered the room at just the right moment, and Bucky shook his head. “The Wakandans are here and they want Zemo. But I bought us some more time.”

“Were you followed?” Sam asked and Bucky downed the rest of his drink, and he wished he could feel the effects even just a little.

“No,” Bucky confirmed, and you crossed your arms in front of you.

“How can you be so sure?” Zemo asked beside you.

“‘Cause I know when I’m being followed,” Bucky said and you narrowed your eyes at him. Don’t say it, don’t say it—

“Unlike some people,” Bucky added and you huffed.

“I heard that,” you confirmed and Bucky smirked at you.

“I wanted you to.”

“It was nice of you to defend me at least,” Zemo poked at the situation. You rolled your eyes at that.

“I don’t think anyone is defending you, you murdered Nagel,” you pointed out, to which Zemo just shrugged.

“Do we really have to litigate what may or may not have happened?” Zemo asked.

“There’s nothing to litigate,” Sam jumped in. “You straight shot the man.”

Bucky felt his phone buzz in his pocket, and pulled it out as the three people around him continued to talk, or borderline argue. He wasn’t prepared to see what the trending news was, and he looked over at Sam.

“Sam,” Bucky cut everyone off. “Karli bombed a GRC supply depot.”

“What?” Sam asked, and Bucky offered his phone to him. “What’s the damage?”

“Eleven injured, three dead. They have a list of demands and are promising more attacks if the demands aren’t met,” Bucky said and Sam read over the words on his own, and sighed.

“She’s getting worse,” Zemo offered his wisdom. “I have the will to complete this mission, but do you?”

“She’s just a kid,” Sam argued back and you shrugged your shoulders.

“Sam, she just bombed a building. I respect their mission, but the execution isn’t right,” you offered and you noticed Bucky nod slightly at your input. Zemo shook his head.

“You’re seeing something that isn’t there, you’re clouded by it. She’s a supremacist,” Zemo pointed out. “The very concept of a super soldier will always trouble people. It’s that warped aspiration toon that led to the Nazis, to Ultron, to the Avengers.”

“The Avengers aren’t Nazis,” you defended. “Karli, the Flag Smashers, they aren’t Nazi’s either. They may be radicalized but there’s gotta be a peaceful way to stop her.”

“She’s right,” Sam agreed. “We can find out where she is, and let me talk to her, let me get through to her.”

“He is the most sound out of all of us,” you agreed. “Between a master manipulator and two ex-HYDRA agents.”

“She will escalate until you kill her,” Zemo disagreed. “Or she kills you.”

“Maybe you’re wrong Zemo,” Bucky argued. “Maybe I should just hand you over to the Wakandans right now.”

“It would be the first thing I agreed with you on during this mission,” you mumbled quietly, but didn’t miss the pointedly look you received from Bucky.

“You would give up your tour guide?” Zemo asked, and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes.

“Don’t tempt us,” Sam interjected. He handed Bucky his phone back and let out a sigh. “Look the sooner we find Karli, the better. We don’t know how close Walker and Hoskins are on our tails.”

You had no luck. Anyone you had come across and questioned about Donya Madani, they looked you over and after a brief moment of recognition, they left without a word. You sighed, and after the allotted time Sam gave, you made your way to the meet point, hoping that the others had better luck than yourself. You shoved your hands into the pockets of your bomber jacket, heeled boots echoing off the walls, and you tried your best to ignore the passersby who stopped to take a second glance at you. You were starting to wonder why in the world Sam and Bucky thought it would be a good idea for you to tag along on this. What did you really offer besides more unwanted attention? You were starting to see what Tony meant when he protected you from so long before the media was informed of your rescue--

You were about to pass an alleyway when Bucky appeared on the street. You stopped for a moment as you both realized you were headed the same way, but after a few seconds you continued on and Bucky joined you by your side. He noticed almost immediately the second glances you were receiving. “Are you alright?”

“Just peachy,” you replied sarcastically. “I’m not assuming you happened to do any better than I did?”

“I got nothing,” Bucky admitted as you both neared the rendezvous point. “With our luck, Zemo is the one who got the meet point.”

“Which means having to convince the Wakandans to give us more time,” you sounded off almost to yourself and Bucky nodded a bit. “I’ll let you in your ever great wisdom handle that.”

“Still working on that,” Bucky mumbled as Sam came into view. Sam took his eyes of Zemo, who was talking to a group of kids, and glanced over at you two finally joining the party.

“Any luck?” Sam asked the two of you.

“No,” you admitted in unison. Bucky and you shared a glance before you shook your head and joined Sam’s side.

“As soon as they recognized who I was they bolted,” you admitted and Sam let out a small hmm. You nodded your head at Zemo who was standing from his seat and about to rejoin the group. “He seems to have all the answers so far.”

“Yeah, don’t remind me,” Sam said below his breath as Zemo got closer. “That little girl, what’d she tell you?”

“The funeral is this afternoon,” Zemo admitted. He looked back at the group of kids, and shared a knowing look with the girl he was talking to. “Let’s not talk here.”

The walk back to Zemo’s apartment was quicker than last time, Bucky was glancing over his shoulder and looking around for any sign of the Dora Milaje. He huffed when the group entered the building, and came in last when he was sure he wasn’t being followed. “Alright Zemo, tell us everything you got.”

“The funeral is this afternoon,” Zemo replied and you plopped down on the couch and tucked a leg under yourself.

“Alright but where,” you tried to push. “You know the Wakandans are probably lurking outside this place, right?”

“Hmm,” Zemo toyed as he poured himself a drink. “I prefer to keep my leverage.”

Bucky suddenly charged forward and tore the glass from Zemo’s hand, and chucked it at the wall. Sam and you were quick on your feet as Bucky closed the gap between the two. “You wanna see what someone can do with leverage?”

“Take it easy,” Sam warned as he stepped between the two. He nudged Bucky backwards and you stood by his side, and looked him over. He fists were tightened, he had his brows furrowed into a glare, and there was a faint trickle of sweat that ran down his neck. He was angry, and you sort of understood when it came to Zemo. “Don’t engage him Bucky. He’s just gonna extort you.”

“And do that stupid head tilt thing,” you added. Bucky seemed to loosen up and glance at you, and you offered a knowing nod. He let out a small sigh and Zemo removed himself from the situation, and Sam clapped a hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

“I’m gonna make a call, make sure they don’t kill one another,” Sam instructed you. You couldn’t help the grin that formed over your face as Sam walked out the room and you crossed your arms over your chest.

“Well well well, look who’s in charge now,” you teased. Bucky directed his glare at you and you shrugged. “I hate to say it, but you asked for this.”

Bucky scoffed and his head fell back a little, it almost looked like he was fighting back a smile. “For Zemo or for you?”

“Technically both,” you pointed out. Bucky stared at you for a moment before sighing and moving around you to sit on the couch in the room. You looked over at Zemo who was dipping a tea bag into a mug, and you looked over at Bucky and inwardly sighed. You made your way over and sat next to him, which made him sit up a bit more.

“There’s something else going on in that head of yours,” you said quietly. You could see the gears practically turning in his head, his eyes were shifting over the room, and you sat back against the cushions. You weren’t really expecting him to open up to you, given all the tension there had been between you both so far. But when he sat back as well and looked over at you, you were pretty surprised.

“I went and broke the trust of the people who helped me get my mind right,” Bucky stated softly. You blinked at him as he looked you over for a moment. He glanced back at Zemo who was taking a sip of his tea and shook his head before looking back at you. “I just hope it was worth it.”

You thought about it for a second, and Bucky sighed and looked back at the floor. You sucked in a breath and looked down at the pocket you had shoved your photo into earlier that day.

“The things you’ve taken from them don’t make you a bad person,” you recited from what you had been told. Bucky looked over at you and you met his gaze and you shrugged your shoulders. “So when this is all over just… Do something to make it right, Barnes.”

Bucky looked you over, seeing your hands fidgeting in your lap. He knew where the words probably came from, and Bucky felt compelled to ask you something. “Why are you still upset with Steve?”

You froze in place, your eyes shooting up to meet Bucky’s stare. You tilted your head a bit and fought back a laugh… Was he really doing this right now?

“That’s none of your business,” you stated. You stood from your place and started to head back to your designated room, but Bucky decided to follow.

“He was my best friend,” Bucky stated as he walked behind you and you scoffed.

“Oh trust me, no one ever let me forget that,” you said. You spun around to face him and you motioned your hand at him. “What is this? I was trying to be nice and you’re coming at me like this?”

“I’m not coming at you any way,” Bucky argued and took a step closer. “But I want to understand. Steve made it pretty clear when he told me about Peggy that you two just didn’t work out-“

“What?” You asked. Bucky stopped talking as your face fell, and you searched his face for an answer. “What do you mean he told you about Peggy?”

“When they got the stones, he told me about how he saw Peggy,” Bucky explained. When you still didn’t look like you knew what he was talking about, something finally clicked. “You didn’t know.”

“No,” you admitted. Bucky’s stomach folded, and he inwardly cursed that stupid punk, and he found himself taking a step towards you but you quickly looked at him and took a step back. “Wait. Wait a minute… You knew? You knew he wasn’t coming back?”

Bucky’s mouth opened to respond, but the front door opened and closed. The footsteps came closer, and Sam appeared behind Bucky. Sam slowed his steps as he happened upon the two of you staring at one another and he swore if Bucky did something stupid again, he wasn’t going to let him hear the end of it.

“We have eyes in the skies, but we need to get going,” Sam announced. You held Bucky’s gaze for only a few more moments before shaking your head. You moved around Bucky and past Sam, and Zemo was waiting at the door. You threw it open and walked out, only for Zemo to follow. Bucky slowly turned in his spot and looked over at Sam, who motioned at the direction you just left.

“What happened?” Sam asked. Bucky shook his head and started to walk towards Sam.

“Nothing, let’s go find Karli,” Bucky said. As he was about to pass Sam, he grabbed his vibranium arm and stopped Bucky non his tracks.

“What happened, Bucky,” Sam asked again. Bucky sighed and shook his head before looking straight ahead.

“I was wrong about something… Now I gotta make it right.”

John Walker was a bigger piece of work than Bucky was. Sam had asked for ten minutes to talk to Karli, so the rest of the Brady Bunch was waiting in some rickety back warehouse. Walker insisted on getting Zemo handcuffed to some piece of machinery, and he did not stop pacing back and forth since. His partner, Lemar Hoskins, was definitely more collected. Bucky? He was leaning in the door frame and staring at you.

You leaned against the wall and watched Walker pace in front of you. You were fiddling with your fingers, counting from one to ten on them to keep your mind busy. You ignored Bucky’s ever persistent stares, and you watched as Steve’s shield passed back and forth in front you. It was… Weird to see it on someone else’s back. Regardless of how Steve left things. It was just another reminder that he was supposed to be here.

Walker suddenly came to a stop and started towards the door. Bucky straightened himself and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes.

“It hasn’t been ten minutes, John,” Bucky informed him and Walker huffed and backed off. “Just sit tight.”

“Don’t do that,” Walker pressed. “Don’t patronize me.”

“He’s been doing a lot of that recently,” you said. Bucky sent a look your way, not mad or angry, but you shrugged your shoulders. “Sam knows what he’s doing, Walker.”

“I’m sorry why are you here again?” Walker asked and you chuckled.

“No idea,” you replied and pushed yourself off the wall.

“I’m going in,” Walker stated to Bucky and tried to move around him. Bucky stood his ground, and Walker huffed in annoyance.

“He knows what he’s doing,” Bucky said about Sam. Walker shook his head and you came up behind him.

“This is all just so easy for you, isn’t it?” He asked Bucky. You looked back at Hoskins, who was finally coming to offer some kind of assistance. “All that serum running through your veins… Barnes, your partner needs backup in there. Do you really want his blood on your hands?”

“You need to step back, Walker,” you said. Walker turned to face you and you looked him over, but stood your ground. “We didn’t come here to fight, and I’m sure as hell not letting you start one.”

He chuckled a bit and took a step closer to you. It was an act of intimidation, one that didn’t work on you at all. Not after going toe to toe with a psychotic purple titan.

“How do you expect to stop me?” Walker asked. You were ready to reply, but Bucky (of course) had to step in. He grabbed one of Walker’s arms, but Walker pulled it free. “Don’t touch me, Barnes.”

Walker finally pushed past Bucky, and Hoskins was after him trying to get his attention. You huffed, and finally met Bucky’s gaze and shook your head. You pushed past him too, and followed after the two hard headed men through the hallways until you finally managed to catch up.

“Karli Morgenthau, you’re under arrest,” Walker announced as he entered the room. When you finally got a view of the girl who has been the center of this whole mission, you were taken a back. Sure you had seen the footage and a picture here and there, but it was… Almost scary. You certainly had done far worse by her age.

“This is what that was?” Karli snapped at Sam as she took a couple steps back. Bucky finally joined your side and you grimaced as Sam tried to reason with her still.

“No, Karli wait-“ he tried to tell her. But she was not having any part of it.

“You tricked me until help came,” she more so stated and you couldn’t help but feel sorry for her.

Walker went to grab Karli, and Bucky moved to stop Lemar, but shit hit the fan quickly. Karli shoved Walker and Sam backwards into a table, and Bucky was quick after Karli. You rushed to Sam’s side and helped him re-steady himself. Sam clapped a hand on your back and motioned in a direction and you both rushed out the room. The place was like a maze, and you were trying to just make heads and tails of it. Sam mostly led the way, heading down some stairs into a darker place, and you heard footsteps incoming. Sam made sure to block you from whatever (or whoever) was coming, but Bucky rounded the corner.

“Shit,” you mumbled. Sam sighed in annoyance as well, and Bucky motioned his arms.

“I lost her,” Bucky stated and you shook your head.

“You guys were definitely right about Walker,” you commented. Just as the words left your lips, the noticeable sound of gunshots echoed in the air. You refocused on the direction Bucky had just come from, and you pushed past the two men. “This way!”

Finally, you were the voice of reason. You lead the way towards where you were very positive the shots had come from. You were nearly running, down stairs and through hallways until you came to a stop at the top of stairs, overlooking what now was Walker and Hoskins standing over a knocked out Zemo. Sam and Bucky moved around you to get closer to the scene, but eventually you did as well.

“What did we miss?” Sam asked.

Walker gave a simplified rundown, finding Zemo after shooting Karli. But one thing you couldn’t pinpoint as you overlooked the belt Karli used to house the remainder of the serums she had was it looked like there was at least one missing. If there were ten serums left… Why did you only count nine vials destroyed on the floor?

- - - - - - - - - -

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[saharzahids]

I know this has been said before but I just want to appreciate how this is the first time the whole team immediately got along with one of daisy's love interests (and shipped them even before they were a thing). I just love that so much

No one was particularly fond of miles...Coulson and may because she lied to them and fitz because of his little crush on daisy

Everyone eventually hated ward (and rightfully so because he was a hydra nazi bitch (stans/skyew*rd shippers DNI))

It took them a while to get with lincoln, as far as I remember they were a little apprehensive at first

But sousa...for sousa it didnt take them that long to make him part of the family...and I love that so much. This dorky square who called their bluff within their first interaction...they saved his life, made him a part of the team, made him a key part in their final mission, and they all just immediately got along with him SO WELL

Coulson had been fanboying from minute one and he gave his dad seal of approval ("that makes me happy too" 😊 it makes all of us happy phil)

Yeah sure jemma and sousa didnt have the greatest first interaction...but after their initial fallout he apologizes and I love their dynamic (the few seconds that we got, that is). Her making him a new prosthetic after he enters the ship?? That's the fitzsimmons way of saying welcome to the family. Like she knew he would stay. Her small smile when he decides to stay with them for daisy? Her knowing look after watching him and daisy interact?? The whole "they're your everything" scene??? Girl has always been captain of the ship (even with a scrambled memory)

And mack was just on a whole other level. He interacted with sousa for a whole of maybe 10 seconds and decided that yes we are going to save his life fuck the history books he's one of us now and I love that. Their dynamic may be one of my favourites in the whole show. And let's be honest..without him dousy would have remained pining and clueless idiots for a while. "I dont have any intentions""well then you better get some" As far as shovel talks go, this was one of the best ones out there. And his bet with yoyo? Amazing. Him preventing sousa from running of into the chronicom ship and getting himself killed because daisy will come back and when she does she will need her dork in one piece dammit? Incredible

I don't know what the terms of their bet was, but I will not even for a second believe that yoyo didnt ship them, okay? Because "dont worry too much about daisy"? Their mutual acknowledgement of the fact that they will never not worry about their SOs? She been knew

Even deke...with his what was an extremely childish (and borderline weird) crush on daisy and endless unrequited pining...he saw how happy daisy was around sousa, how crushed she was when she thought danny boy was going to stay behind...and so he took the bullet before she got hurt any further and I love him for it (seriously though deke had such incredible character growth this season it needs to be addressed more)

(Yeah we didnt really get much interaction from may and fitz..but the fact that may is an empath now would mean she knew something was up for a while (esp after the time loops 😏) and considering the fact that fitz saw the future through the time streams...he would have known for years)

(Also sousa writing the fitzsimmons fam letters! As if that isnt the cutest thing ever!)

And the super soft looks that the whole team had during their framework meeting when daisy was talking about sousa 🥺. They're so happy for her I'm so soft for this family

They really said dousy rights huh

[omegas-spaghettios]

Can we as a fandom PLEASE allow for more nuance with Crosshair?

Full spoilers for episode 15, long post ahead.

It feels very much like there are two camps people are assigning fans into. The "Crosshair was 100% right and I love him" camp and the "Crosshair is 100% evil and should be killed" camp. Now while people certainly exist in those camps, I feel like a vast majority don't and it's frustrating to see people assigning others to them because it's taking the nuance out of a very grey character.

Above all else PLEASE do not default to character assassination towards someone you disagree with. Just because someone loves Crosshair it doesn't mean that we are a Nazi. On the other hand, I have seen many people who feel more negatively towards Crosshair say they have been called all sorts of names and that is unacceptable to me. Now a few Crosshair fans have said they think he is 100% right even with the superiority rhetoric and I want to make it very clear I am NOT defending those people cause like, come on guys.

Crosshair is specifically written to be empathetic. His abandonment by his team was pretty awful and the show made it very clear today how badly that hurt him, he also tries to give his brothers' a chance to "see the light" (I use that lightly) and that also is supposed to add to it. This is a man who feels utterly abandoned by his family and is still trying to get them back, that's empathetic ON PURPOSE. On the other hand, he says some nasty, nasty stuff. Straight up supremacist rhetoric that everyone should disagree with tbh. While he may be "right" that they are more effective than regs in combat the sentiment and basis of it high key starts falling into Eugenics and that isn't acceptable. Being more efficient doesn't mean superior in anyway and he CLEARLY needs to be stopped, his ideas are evil and he needs to be held responsible.

If you think he is wrong about his anger entirely and he is 100% wrong, well, you have every right too, but please don't attack people who think he has some decent reasoning and on the flip side, don't attack people who think he doesn't. If you see something you don't agree with just scroll, it is much easier to ignore it than it is to get in an argument.

The revelation about his chip is fandom shaking. Now I personally think there is a decent chance he is lying, let's operate under the assumption that this is the truth 100%. This is him. This simultaneously deepens both sides of his character as it no longer excuses for his evil but it also shows that he was truly himself and wanting his brothers to come back for a long time and they never did, which adds to the pain of their abandonment. Again, this revelation is very polarizing. And may I ask, please do not hold this over Crosshair fans' heads. We went the entire season believing he had it so don't turn around and weaponize that against us with "we were wrong the entire time" cause no one knew that, that's the point of a twist. On the other hand, my fellow Cross fans, admit that it at least is a probable truth. Like I said there is evidence to suggest it's false but guys we can't bank our entire stance on him with 100% faith he is lying, it's up in the air at best and realistically is more of a hope with some evidence than a probability. Hope that he is lying but act like he isn't.

The Batch even shows this mixed feeling. They refuse to join him and they call him out for his dumb rhetoric and they also highlight the fact that he clearly doesn't get them, but they also stun him and bring him with them after removing his weapons. There isn't a full trust there but they are operating on hope here, at least so it seems. The main characters have a nuanced stance on him so why can't we?

This man is polarizing to a fault and there is no right way to feel. Now saying he is 100% right in his supremacist borderline eugenic ideals is certainly wrong but there isn't a clear right way to feel. I personally hope for the best from him and still deeply empathize with his situation but also realize he is a pretty awful person and does need to be stopped if he continues on like this. But if you don't like or hate him, cool! I 100% see why.

And guys, with the simping thing, Star Wars is literally built on broken men. The shows that precede and follow this both have two men who do incredibly evil things (Anakin and Kallus) and we see the nuance and many people find them deeply attractive, as do I honestly. Someone isn't awful for thinking Crosshair is attractive, if they excuse everything he does that's another story but again, nuance is everything. You can simp for all three without saying it was right for Anakin to murder the jedi, that Crosshair is right in his supremacist ideals, that Kallus was right to commit genocide on the Lasat.

Above all else please try to be kind, we all want to enjoy this show and it's characters and share that joy.

[irithnova]

1) I find it upsetting that plum (and others in the reblogs with similar opinions) had to put that many disclaimers in their post in order to avoid mass hate because of the sheer amount of backlash I faced

2) I find it insane that the topic of racebending needs to be talked about in an almost academic level for people to realise that being critical of racebending isn't a personal attack on poc creators

3) "You deserved the backlash because your tone was harsh" refer to point 2. Also I have a right to have an opinion on the subject matter as a poc who has non white/western ocs and pretty much exclusively posts about non white/western characters just like how everyone else in the fandom is allowed to have an opinion on it and no amount of tone policing or victim blaming excuses the amount of racist anons I got and anons who continued to misconstrue what I was saying despite me clarifying myself in my reblogs that I was not trying to attack poc or stifle their creative choices, my OG post was a broader criticism of racebending content.

4) What I find shocking is the fact that I got pretty vicious backlash from other poc over a fucking one liner "people would rather racebend" and then for my subsequent reblogs which were were seen as an attempt as policing other minorities when I was literally... Giving my perspective on why I don't like racebending. As soon as someone has an opinion you don't like, it's now policing?

5) Jumping off from point (4) but POC are often vilified for lesser offenses compared to white people and I'm sorry but this is the perfect example. How come I know of around 15 white hetalians who do and say some pretty egregious shit (like posting fucking borderline Nazi uniform fanart) yet where is their inbox flooded with the absolute worst messages? Where are the shady posts about them? When's the last time you guys sat around in a pissed off circle-jerk about half of the shit they do?

Circling back to the point of white vs mixed vs poc Alfred (because a vast majority of my hate was from poc Alfred fans). I've literally seen bigger, white hetalia accounts share why they personally see Alfred as white and they did not receive an OUNCE of the vitriol that I received for my like. 2/3 sentence paragraph saying basically "forgive me for not liking poc Alfred personally as a Filipino because of the history."

I'm not saying you have to agree with me at all because surprise, dictating poc was never my intention. But the reactions are very telling. Do you not see how insane that is.

Funny how my detractors are accusing me of of trying to control their creative choices and dictate them, yet they're attempting to dictate me by straight up saying I'm basically/functionally white, therefore I'm not allowed to have an opinion on... Poc Alfred.

I said this in a previous post but if I wanted to dictate you all. I would have posted in relevant tags (like #aphamerica) so potential racebending fans were more likely see it. I would have gone after posts where characters are racebent or call people out by name. I would have sent butthurt asks/anons to racebending fans.

This was literally my first ever post regarding my personal opinions on racebending.

I think it's. funny. To say the least seeing some of the types of people saying that my behaviour is unacceptable considering I know full well of their conduct in private (some of these people I know for a fact have been complicit in racism) I am not taking any criticism from the likes of these people and the people nodding their heads in agreement with them.

I am also not taking any shit/bullying from white Americans when it comes to my personal discomfort with poc Alfred as a Filipino woman. For obvious reasons.

One last thing. I'll just put the screenshot of the post here

+ Some of you need to grasp the distinction between personal opinion and an attempt at dictation. Someone shouldn't need to repeat "personally" or any variant of that excessively to avoid dictator accusations.

RACEBENDING NATIONAL PERSONIFICATIONS: A TREATISE

DISCLAIMERS:

I AM NOT WHITE, I AM A POC. I am not writing this because I’m a butthurt white person who gets pissy when someone makes my white faves nonwhite and thus unrelatable to me for ‘some’ reason.

I AM NOT PERSONALLY ATTACKING ANY INDIVIDUALS WHO RACEBEND OR IMAGINE THEIR NATIONS TO HAVE A DIFFERENT ETHNICITY THAN WHAT THEY DO IN CANON; ON A SIMILAR NOTE, DO NOT ATTACK SUCH INDIVIDUALS FOR ME. This is a discussion of general fandom trends and a larger phenomenon, the issue I am talking about cannot be solved on an individual to individual basis.

I AM NOT TRYING TO STOP FIRST NATIONS PEOPLE FROM RECLAIMING THEIR NATIONS. As I am not First Nations myself, I would not wish to deny what these individuals emotionally and mentally reap from reclaiming their nations.

I AM NOT THE “POC AREN’T ALLOWED TO HAVE FUN AND SEE THEMSELVES IN THEIR FAVES” POLICE; I AM NOT YOUR MOM, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. Again, this is a discussion of fandom trends and a larger phenomenon. I think it’s almost always worth examining why we do the things we do and the reasons behind a trend.

I AM NOT AGAINST RACEBENDING IN GENERAL. This is specifically an essay on racebending in nationverse Hetalia and other personified nations fandoms.

PREFACE

As stated before in my disclaimers, this essay is not intended to be a condemnation of individuals who participate in racebending. Rather, I intend to make a macro-critique of wider structures and patterns. For this reason, this essay is not accusing anyone engaging in racebending of holding any specific belief. I cannot stress enough how much I do not know you, the hypothetical reader who engages in racebending. 

Again, my intent is to critique wider structures and patterns.

This essay is a conversation I would like to have with other POC and other marginalized groups, especially POC based in white, Western countries. Thus, I ask people not included in the above groups to refrain from weighing in on this.

ALTERNATIVE GOOGLE DOC LINK HERE

TABLE OF CONTENTS

The Difference in Reception for Racebent versus Non-Racebent Characters

The Inherent Politicism of Personifying Nations

The State of POC Representation in Hetalia

The Assumption of Interchangeability in POC Experience

The Myth of Multiculturalism

“It’s Just Fandom, Why Are You Trying to Control POC Who Just Want to Have Fun and Want to Represent Themselves?"

Conclusion

The Difference in Reception for Racebent versus Non-Racebent Characters

I will start this essay off with an acknowledgement of my station in the Hetalia fandom and how it uniquely equips me to talk about this topic – I am very fortunate to enjoy a follower base that primarily follows me for non-Western characters, whether they be canonical or my own original characters. As someone who mostly posts non-Western characters, I can confirm that there is a wider disparity in reception between drawings of my white characters and non-white characters. The following example is not from myself, but from the artist miyuecakes who similarly focuses on predominantly non-white, non-Western countries. You can see there is a drastic gap in the amount of notes that post focused on five nations considered to be non-Western versus a drawing of Female America.

Stating this fact of the fandom is fairly noncontroversial. I would also assert that the following statement is equally true, however given recent reception, is far more controversial: “There are far more instances of racebent canonically white/Western characters, which receive far more traction than their non-racebent counterparts, whether canonical or not.”

I want to make clear what my statement is not saying:

Racebending is only done by white people seeking to score clout and diversity points without having to care about canon non-white characters. In fact, the vast majority of racebending in the fandom is done by POC looking for representation; given the amount of white canon nations compared to any other nation, POC who engage in racebending see it as a way of “evening” the disproportionate overrepresentation of white countries.

POC who engage in racebending are doing so to score clout and diversity points with a white audience. Refer to my above point.

Racebent canonically white characters are met with no controversy or racist/bigoted vitriol. It is fairly well known that there have been multiple harassment campaigns, particularly on Twitter, against artists and editors who’ve engaged in racebending even outside of the Hetalia fandom: see the Black Anya edit, Thumin’s artwork and resulting hate. POC being visibly POC in online spaces will always garner backlash.

On a similar note, I am not including POC cosplayers cosplaying white or light-skinned characters in my definition of racebending. Being angered by POC who cosplay characters of a different complexion is blatantly racist; anyone who is angered by this has nothing of value to add and not worth arguing with.

I am a bitter artist who is mad that I don’t receive enough notes on my posts with non-racebent characters compared to posts about racebent white characters. As stated earlier, I am grateful for the audience I’ve cultivated who specifically follow me for non-racebent non-Western content; I am also more than aware that my content is not what people who seek out racebent content are looking for, and have no interest in changing either my content or their tastes. The last thing I would wish to do is to label POC creators who engage in racebending as “the enemy” and POC creators who don’t as “my side.”

With that out of the way, I bring up this observation because I think it’s worth asking ourselves, POC specifically, the following questions: Why? Why is there this discrepancy in frequency and reception between these kinds of characters and content? Why do people racebend in lieu of focusing on existing POC and creating their own non-white characters?

The easy answer most would give is because white characters are over-represented and given more screen time and attention in the canon, so people, especially POC, will become attached to them and create variations of them that hit closer to home for them; this is especially the case if you are a POC who has had experiences living as a minority in a Western country. Some POC may also use racebending as a way to subvert national myths that have historically excluded people of color for a variety of racist, imperialist reasons. I know I used to subscribe towards a depiction of non-white passing America and Canada for this very reason.

In the rest of this essay I would like to examine and critique the practice of racebending national anthropomorphisms traditionally and typically depicted as white in the context of Hetalia and by extension other media involving similar premises. This essay argues that while racebending may be harmless for most other anime, Hetalia – by virtue of its content centering real life nations – carries political implications that are not necessarily appropriate.

I stress again that I can’t stop you or what anybody in the Hetalia fandom does. I do not have that kind of power nor the will to do such a thing. All I ask is for you to listen to the following with an open mind, and if there’s only one thing you take away from this, I hope it’s to realize that POC in particular have valid reasons to dislike racebent depictions of white nations; holding such a stance does not make them anti-POC representation and somehow no longer POC and instead, a member of the white oppressor class.

The Inherent Politicism of Personifying Nations

Firstly, I repeat that a series about personified nations is deeply political and every creative choice carries political and socio-cultural ramifications, whether intentional or not and made by the creator or the fan. Even if you mostly interact with Hetalia in a depoliticized context, others may not, and given that nationverse Hetalia is about personified nations, this is perfectly reasonable. 

Let us look into the canon material of Hetalia- It is shown that nations on average have close ties to their governments, viewing them as their bosses and carrying out actions for them. We are shown that there are nations who go against the orders of their governments, such as Germany; this does not mean all nations follow in that pattern, however, and there are many who are in lockstep with their governments and their actions.

Therefore, for individuals whose ethnic groups and nations have suffered great harm from oppressor nation-states (Philippines v. United States, Indonesia v. Netherlands, India v. England), it is not irrational for them to be unsettled by their oppressor being racebent- especially when said oppressor nation-state is depicted as being the same ethnicity as the very group(s) they marginalized. This is uncomfortable for multiple reasons: 

There is an implication that a member of a marginalized group possibly chose to take part in atrocities and misdeeds that the said marginalized group historically not the major perpetrator behind. In more egregious cases, a member of a marginalized group willingly chose to commit atrocities and misdeeds on a large scale against their own group.

The oppressor state personification was forced by their government to commit these grievous acts of harm against members of other marginalized groups/their own marginalized groups; thus, the personification of the nation-state, the people, has little to no culpability as an oppressor, and is instead made into a fellow victim of their own government. 

This deflects blame from the embodiment of the state of being an oppressor. The suggestion here is that the state is somehow completely separate yet intertwined with the government – it was simply the government who perpetrated the crimes… the people were just unwillingly complicit. This can come across as an erasure/rosewashing of the very purposeful policies used to harm and disadvantage colonized/oppressed groups.

This can also erase the fact that in many cases, the people gave the government’s actions their tacit approval whether it was through whole-hearted enthusiasm or apathy towards the suffering of others. 

In the case that the racebent nation’s minority ethnicity was historically involved in such acts, this involves highly sensitive conversations about minorities’ complicity in crimes and assimilation into the white/majority order (e.g. Chinese and East Asian settlers in Hawaii after America’s illegal annexation, Korean collaborators with the Japanese annexation of Korea, African American soldiers in the Philippines); these are extremely touchy subjects that should be had within the relevant ethnic groups, and should not be appropriated by outsiders, particularly white people, especially for fandom purposes.

(I will discuss insiders racebending nation-states to their ethnic group that have suffered mistreatment and oppressed by said nation-states in “The Myth of Multiculturalism.”)

Additionally, racebending may end up justifying those very same crimes, especially in the case of settler colonialism. For example, during French rule of Algeria, the French government began a program of confiscating Algerian land from indigenous Algerians and giving them to French and European settlers. Over the course of two centuries, more and more land was taken away from indigenous Algerians, forcing them to move to the margins of society, where they were barred from accessing employment, higher education, and the other societal amenities. 

Many would be able to identify how personifying Algeria as a white, French individual would be erasing indigenous Algerians and implying that the French settlers represent all of Algeria. However, conversely, making France an Algerian man is also playing into colonial French propaganda. The French viewed Algeria as part of France and the French homeland itself, unique even among other French African colonies, and made plans to make Algeria a full-fledged French province, or department. To make the national personification of France Algerian then, is to suggest that this belief was and is correct, that the Algerians are a part of the colonial core of France, even if the intention is to represent the modern day Algerian diaspora in France.

IMPORTANT: I will expand on the politics of representing diaspora populations in the section “The Myth of Multiculturalism.”

Given all of these reasons for why POC may justifiably react negatively to a racebent white nation personification, some may argue against these with:

“Why is it that when the nation is white, they never have to deal with any of these heavy discussions of imperialism, bigotry, oppression, etc, but when they’re racebent they suddenly have to? Why are they suddenly politicized when they’re racebent?”

My response to that is that they were politicized, even when they were white because the act of personifying a nation is inherently political; to ignore a white nation’s history of oppression is a politically charged move in of itself. Are we really depoliticizing POC when we racebend a white nation and try to maintain that same ‘depoliticization’ and omission of historical oppression but this time for a POC face? To racebend a white nation is to refuse to contend with the contradiction of transforming an oppressor class to the very group they marginalize - making racebending an inherently political act. It is not necessarily that whiteness is unpolitical but rather that an active refusal to deal with this contradiction makes the political implications much more obvious.

Additionally, this rebuttal raises another question- Were we to completely forget about a character’s background as the personification of an oppressor state and the political weight of that, would that truly solve the problem of POC being politicized? I don’t think so- In the current world we live in, POC are always political. But exclusively racebending oppressor states makes no attempt to depoliticize non-Western POC states, creating a divide between POC that get to be “depoliticized” and POC who don’t based on their proximity to the West.

The State of POC Representation in Hetalia

Some would argue with the points of my last paragraph saying that I am not including POC who both engage in racebending but also create non-Western POC OCs; if equal attention is given to both, there would be no division between racebent Western POC who get to be humanized and non-Western POC who don’t, right?

To answer this we must acknowledge wider trends in racebending in Hetalia. Consider the following: When somebody has a North African! Romano, how many other North African nations (canon or non-canon) do they show appreciation for? Create content for? Expound the same amount of mental and creative energy for? Furthermore: If they do have another North African nation(s) they create content for, are they allowed to exist as their own separate beings, and not purely exist to be North African! Romano’s tie to North Africa?

Chances are, Romano is reduced to being the token brown character in a largely white cast and isn’t allowed to ever exist without whiteness surrounding him. This is a very diaspora experience, but I find it unfortunate that in a piece of media that enables us to explore any number of cultures and experiences over all of time and history, we (and I’m including myself as another POC who grew up in a primarily white environment) are unable to imagine ourselves outside of this setting and celebrate ourselves without having to exist against a white mainstream. Stories about white engulfment are allowed to exist and should be told, but why is this so common? Why do these stories disproportionately outnumber POC stories where whiteness is minute or absent?

As my audience is intended to be mostly POC, I will not elaborate on the following scenario too much, but I will ask us to scrutinize the ethics of it. What about cases where white individuals racebend some of their white favorite characters and position them as POC representation in lieu of actually focusing on POC, non-Western nations, canon or not? Does this not have implications about what kinds of POC and diversity are considered more palatable and appealing?

Furthermore, when another North African nation does exist alongside racebent Romano, their character and depiction is almost always heavily dependent on their relationship to Romano, a Western nation. This still perpetuates the same inequality I was talking about earlier where POC nations are humanized based on their proximity to the West, whether because they personify a Western nation or happen to have a relationship with a Western nation.

We should not just be talking about having “more” non-white representation, but also the quality of it. It is completely understandable why some POC may not be satisfied with the representation most racebent content provides, even beyond the reasons outlined previously; this type of representation excludes POC who do not have a relationship to the West, and is still largely focused on the West. 

IMPORTANT: I am not saying that contact with or influence from the West makes POC somehow “less POC” or that stories from Western-based diaspora are a “diluted” form of representation. I will expand on this in the section “The Myth of Multiculturalism.”

“Well if it’s not good enough for those POC, then they should just mind their business and make their own representation! There’s plenty of non-racebent content out there!”

Many POC do exactly that- creating their own representation without racebending. However, as established earlier, racebent white characters receive far more attention and feedback compared to canonical non-white characters, despite the fact that both depictions fulfill the purpose of “representation.” This can be especially disheartening in a fandom that already heavily tokenizes canon POC nations, whether it’s India being presented as the “nanny”/surrogate parent in Commonwealth group art or Seychelles as the “adopted child of color” in FACES family. To POC content creators, it feels insulting that the wider fandom, rather than developing POC canon characters (or taking advantage of the source material’s potential by making OCs) and viewing them as representation, the fandom chooses to racebend Western nations and celebrates them instead.

I want to make clear again what I am not saying with that statement:

POC who engage in racebending are doing so to score clout and diversity points with a white audience. Again, it’s a fact that the vast majority of racebending is done by POC looking to create their own representation.

POC who engage in racebending should all go stan Seychelles and Cuba instead. This is an extremely individualist solution to what is a wider phenomenon. I do not blame POC based in Western countries for feeling disconnected to the few POC nations we have in canon.

Racebent POC content is more popular than content of non-racebent white characters.

What I am describing here is how an audience (the Hetalia fandom) receives two creations, both made by POC in the pursuit of creating more representation, and the difference in reception. The difference, it seems, is that the wider fandom deems certain kinds of POC representation more appealing, and thus, certain kinds of POC worth focusing on.

The Assumption of Interchangeability in POC Experience

Earlier, I mentioned that one of the possible reasons for POC to engage in racebending is the desire to see an iteration of their favorite character that is closer to their own reality and lived experience. Therefore, some may choose to racebend a white character to embody a marginalized minority in the country instead so they can share more experiences with the formerly white characters. 

Here, I will not be dealing with the practice of POC racebending their own country to their own ethnicity, which is the focus of the next section. Instead, I will be delving into the practice of POC racebending another nation to embody a minority (one which they do not belong to) for the purposes of ‘putting themselves in their interpretations.’ I argue that to do this requires assuming a certain level of interchangeability between POC experiences.

First and foremost, POC are not a monolith- we lead drastically different lives depending on our ethnic backgrounds, where we live, our socioeconomic class, our political and racial context, and etc. Therefore, we cannot presume that our experiences of marginalization mean we’ll always succeed in properly representing other minority groups elsewhere; in fact, the goal of projecting our own life experiences onto them means that there will be an obstacle to properly representing these minority groups.

Take the following example: Imagine a Chinese-Malaysian individual greatly enjoys the character of Spain. Wishing to better relate to him, the individual racebends him to be also Chinese. However, a great deal of historical, cultural determinants and nuances separate the experiences of Chinese people in Spain and Chinese people in Malaysia. There are similarities, yes, but this Chinese Malaysian cannot hope to properly represent the Chinese population in Spain if their primary goal remains self-projection. Now imagine that our Chinese-Malaysian individual wished to racebend England to be Indian; an even wider gap separates the experiences and history of Chinese people in Malaysia and Indian people in England, making it even less likely that our individual will succeed in representing the experiences of Indian people in England.

Another point to consider is that attempts at racebending certain national personifications to represent minorities in the country end up erasing representation for the majority population of the country. For example, there has been a historical Japanese community in Peru that dates back to the 1800s and made a large impact on Peruvian culture. However, it would still be inappropriate to make a Peru OC that is mostly Japanese in race, because besides just being not representative of the 99.9% of non-Japanese Peruvians, it would also be taking representation from Peruvian mestizo and indigenous peoples, who make up over 80% of Peru’s population.

This isn’t even taking into consideration cases where nations are racebent to personify ethnic groups that do not have a numerically significant or historically significant population.

“So what if it’s inaccurate? I just want to self-project onto my favorite character!”

If that’s your response, then I encourage you to read the section “It’s Just Fandom, Why Are You Trying to Control POC Who Just Want to Have Fun and Want to Represent Themselves?” where I address assertions of "fandom is not activism" and similar points.

For now, I will ask you to consider the feelings of those very minorities you are ostensibly representing, even if your primary intention is to project your own experiences onto a character. Chances are, they also suffer from little to no representation that depicts them in inaccurate and unflattering ways.

Hetalia is a media property supposedly centered around exploring and learning about other cultures, but so often fails to accurately and sensitively depict many cultures and nations. Should we not show them the grace that canon Hetalia fails to provide?

The Myth of Multiculturalism

Multiculturalism is typically defined as a celebration of a nation’s ethnic diversity. This is generally considered to be a good and progressive value to have, but a closer and more critical look at multiculturalism in practice suggests that not even a value directed at xenophobia is immune to in-group out-group biases. When enacted by the state, multiculturalism is less an acceptance of diversity as it currently exists (especially in regards to non-indigenous ethnicities) and more an assimilation of these “foreign cultures” into the dominant national one.

For example, Singapore has built much of its national identity as a “multicultural” society. This is shown through government policies in language and education, where the languages of the 3 ethnic groups (Chinese, Tamil Indians, Malays) are all officialized and the government promotes education for ethnic minorities in their mother tongues. However, the label of “multicultural” hides the reality of power inequality between the various ethnic groups. Minorities face pressure to display literacy in the language and culture of the Chinese majority for greater societal acceptance and inclusion. In fact, the assertion that Singapore is a multicultural society that treats its ethnic groups all equally, is often used as a cudgel to shut down any allegations that Singapore fails to live up to this national identity. As my audience is intended to be predominantly POC, especially those living as minorities in Western nations, members of my audience are of course familiar with insistences of “But Canada/United States/etc is a melting pot society! Racism isn’t a serious issue, POC can’t be treated poorly in those countries.”

By racebending a national personification to be part of a marginalized population, this is making a political statement by asserting that the marginalized population is in fact a part of that nation, and has always been, despite historical exclusion. The act of racebending is an overly idealistic and uncritical agreement with multiculturalism, without considering how the value actually applies in practice. It rosewashes the reality and existence of cultural imperialism enacted on immigrant/outsider groups. 

Racebending can therefore accidentally act as multicultural propaganda, especially when the invokement of multiculturalism is used to stamp out valid critiques of othering and racialization by ethnic minorities. (E.g. “Singapore can’t have problems with racism against Malays! Singapore himself is Malay!”)

IMPORTANT: If you want to argue that nation personifications are not inherently representative of their government, refer to the section, “The Inherent Politicism of Personifying Nations.”

“Well, POC based in Western countries will naturally feel more connected to their Western countries than their homelands, often because of those policies intended to break their connections to their homelands. Why can’t they racebend to reclaim? To feel connected to their Western countries in contrast to their realities of ostracization and othering?”

I have already discussed why other POC (those affected by a white regime’s actions) would be uncomfortable with the implications of tying a POC/marginalized group with said white regime’s misdeeds in the section “The Inherent Politicism of Personifying Nations” so I will not discuss it here beyond mentioning it.

Firstly, I must acknowledge that this argument is fundamentally an emotional one. I do not want to deny what POC in Western countries emotionally derive from racebending the nation-state, even as a fellow POC based in a Western country. Instead, I will approach this argument from another angle.

I ask the following: When trying to represent our experiences as diaspora and minorities, why is personifying a diaspora/minority community not a popular option? The act of choosing to personify a community is inherently political, and we can use it to empower ourselves as diaspora or minorities. For example, by personifying diaspora communities, we can acknowledge that diaspora experiences are different enough from those in the ‘homeland’ to warrant another personification, and also avoid accidentally justifying colonial possession of those ‘homeland’ states. 

Additionally, by personifying diaspora/minority communities, we can 1) better reflect our unique day-to-day experiences of being racialized and separated from the mainstream, 2) avoid many of the earlier uncomfortable implications of minority collaboration in majority perpetrated acts and condoning colonialism, and 3) stress our independence and autonomy despite the efforts of the state and majority population to take that away.

To put it another way, why are there so many stories of minorities striving towards being included, or from another angle, subsumed, into the white nation-state despite its frequent rejection of them? Again, what does it say that these narratives of “inclusion into a historically white nation-state” disproportionately outnumber POC narratives where whiteness is minute or absent?

IMPORTANT: I am not singling you, the hypothetical POC diaspora individual who engages in racebending, out. I am asking about wider patterns of representation in media.

“But by personifying diaspora and minority communities separately from the personification of the nation-state, isn’t that basically saying that minorities will never be seen as part of the nation-state? That we will never be included when people think of our nation state?”

I believe this response takes too narrow a perspective on what multiculturalism is and “being part of a nation-state means,” and thus views having separate personifications as ‘justifying’ or ‘promoting’ our exclusion from the nation-state when it may not be the case.

Look at it from this way- Is it not also problematic to have only one avatar for, say, America, and thus imply that there is one true way of being “American?” Having multiple American personifications, in contrast, is a more true depiction of the realities of being American, and more true to the values of multiculturalism; it instead suggests that there are many ways to be American, that we don’t have to be subsumed into the mainstream to be considered “American.”

“Isn’t that functionally the same as different interpretations of the same nation-state coexisting? Why can’t fans just all have a different Alfred/America specific to their own experience who are all equally considered American?”

Once more: I am not trying to stop anyone from doing anything. That’s not within my power to do so. I agree with this statement that largely, having multiple American personifications and multiple America/Alfred fulfills the same purpose of showing that to be American means something different to everyone. However, the reason I advocated for the former approach is because it achieves the same goal with a lot less uncomfortable questions and unique benefits (minority autonomy), as detailed above.

“It’s Just Fandom, Why Are You Trying to Control POC Who Just Want to Have Fun and Want to Represent Themselves?”

First off, I am presenting this essay as a conversation with other POC because I want to make it explicitly known that my position here is not that of a white person seeking to silence POC and lecture them about what is and is not good for them. Secondly, it's because I want to talk about racebending as it currently exists in the Hetalia fandom, something mostly done by POC who wish to represent themselves and create the diversity missing in the source material. I believe pointing out that white people who are uncomfortable with POC characters or only racebend for self-centered reasons likely have a racial bias is obvious, especially to other POC, and wish to progress the conversation beyond this. This is why my discussion on racebending is moving beyond white bias.

As part of centering this as a discussion among POC, I am also assuming good faith from my interlocutors, that their desires for representation and diversity are sincere, and that I don’t look down on them. I hope then, that this assumption of good faith can be afforded to me as well- that my interlocutors believe me when I say that the last thing I want to do is control POC, as a fellow POC.

Having gotten all of that out of the way, let's address some rebuttals to the arguments I've made thus far.

"Who are you to decide what kind of representation resonates with POC?"

You're right. I can't decide what kind of representation resonates with POC. Again, I am not intent on controlling POC, and again, I recognize that many of the arguments in favor of racebending white nations come from an emotional place; I can’t control how POC feel, even if I wanted to do that.

However, it's precisely because of this that I've made my arguments based on  factors other than emotional ones, such as the political implications and questioning the inclusivity racebending provides us with. POC joy and happiness is crucial in the face of a system that seeks to crush and suppress us. But from one POC to another, it's not much of a discussion if your response to my points is simply, "Well, it makes me feel represented and happy, and that's what matters most." If we argued based on that, we could go all day. Am I not a POC myself? Do the feelings and happiness of POC who are uncomfortable with racebending not matter? For that matter, who are you to tell the people whose families and people have been historically affected by white imperialist states to stop disliking racebent versions of those imperialist states?

For white people, it is easy for them to shut down racebending, because they don't understand the experience of never seeing yourself in any form of media. I have asked white/non-marginalized people to refrain from this discussion for that very reason. But in exchange for that, we should be able to discuss the ramifications of racebending national personifications, and look deeper at the arguments for and against racebending.

"You're taking this too seriously. People giving more attention to racebent versions of Western countries versus non-racebent POC countries doesn't say anything deeper about someone's political beliefs. People just like the silly anime about personified countries, and that silly anime happens to give more attention to the canonically white countries."

To a certain extent, I get this rebuttal. We cannot solve racism or the privileging of the global north by reblogging Hetalia fanart of Seychelles and Cameroon. Everything I have described here is symptomatic of much, much larger issues that affect billions. But it's symptomatic: fandom is not immune to the ills of wider society. We do not shed our innate biases and prejudices when we enter supposedly apolitical spaces like fandom. In a series about personified nations, our prejudices and biases are naturally magnified because the source material’s nature is deeply political, dealing with history and personified nations and states.

Again I ask: What does it mean that the POC representation made by POCs is so often limited to racebending canonically white characters, in the context of the world order we live in where proximity to the West automatically confers certain privileges?

IMPORTANT: Refer to the section “The Myth of Multiculturalism” if you respond to this with “Are you saying depictions of Western-influenced POC experiences are a lesser form of representation?”

If that fails to convince you, and you still believe the inequality in reception between racebent and non-racebent nations doesn’t say anything deeper, I respond with the following- Isn’t it still worth it to try and show the same support and energy to the non-racebent, non-Western countries and their creators, regardless of whether that content speaks to you or not?

One last time, I’ll clarify what I’m not saying with that:

Stop liking America and Russia and England. I repeat, I cannot control what POC like or feel or do, and I repeat, what characters you personally like is a very individualistic view on a wider, systemic issue.

In the section “The State of POC Representation in Hetalia,” I discussed how disproportionately giving to racebent countries versus non-racebent non-Western countries is not an intersectional form of POC representation, and fails to address the underrepresentation of non-Western countries and cultures given the global colonial hierarchy. My above statement is therefore saying that if we POC want to achieve a more intersectional form of solidarity and representation, to create a fandom that’s more non-Western friendly, to generally support all types of POC creators, we should not neglect certain kinds of POC content just because it doesn’t personally resonate with us.

You don’t have to. Fandom is not activism. For many, fandom is an escape from the grim realities of the outside world. But in a media property all about exploring other countries’ cultures and histories, can we not strive for the spirit of the source material, and be a little more open-minded in exploring other countries and other forms of POC representation? Even in this miniscule way?

CONCLUSION

I would like to conclude this essay on the matter of irithnova, and the recent controversy she’s been embroiled in for stating many of the points I have made. Yes, our tones were different. But no amount of harsh tone warrants the outrage and rather racist backlash her post received. irithnova has been one of the most active voices in the Hetalia fandom speaking out against racism, from the exclusion of POC in j-ellyfish’s character polls to myrddin’s behavior. However, as soon as she, a Filipino, expresses personal discomfort with certain depictions of a nation that’s caused great harm to her people, other POC were the first to get mad at her for seeing the political implications of a POC personified America, to the point of trying to deny her reality as a feminized and racialized member of the diaspora living in a colonial European country and calling her functionally white.

POC solidarity doesn’t mean we have to all agree with each other, or even like every other POC. But I want to note the irony here of people committing the very act they accused irithnova of doing- telling her, a Filipino, that she wasn’t allowed to criticize racebent depictions of America, thereby trying to control POC.

If your response to this is “Well, sure irithnova didn’t deserve the harassment, but she was still wrong to criticize racebending because it wasn’t her place!” I would like to remind you of the following points:

Scroll up to the top and read this essay again. Regardless of tone used, there are valid reasons for POC to dislike and criticize depictions of racebent countries.

irithnova, as a Filipino living in the West and has Filipino relatives in the USA, is intimately aware of the nature of American imperialism and racism against POC. The United States promised to help the Philippines achieve independence but instead robbed it of its sovereignty, putting down resistance to its takeover and instituting American rule because they viewed Filipinos as “lesser” and incapable of governing themselves because of their race. If it isn’t irithnova’s place to feel uncomfortable (and thus criticize) racebent America, then whose is it?

Finally, I want to emphasize one more thing- First Nations/Indigenous individuals have a unique relationship to the colonial settler states that occupy their land. Like I’ve said so many times, I cannot tell any POC how to feel or what to do, and even more so in this case because I myself am not First Nations/Indigenous; I’ve only provided arguments about the pitfalls of racebending and the merits of other forms of representation. But just as how I cannot tell you what to feel or do, nobody can stop other POC feeling put off by a racebent America.

At the end of the day, despite the who-knows-how-many paragraphs I’ve spent articulating the reasons against racebending canonically white nations, I cannot stop anyone from racebending nations if they wish to. But I do hope readers come away with a better understanding of the flaws of racebending, and the benefits of looking away from the Western mainstream and looking elsewhere to represent our experiences as diaspora and minorities. If you’re someone who engages in racebending, but still chose to read this 6K word long essay on the Hetalia fandom, I can’t express my gratitude enough for hearing me out. Honestly, anybody who read through this entire post deserves an award- Thanks for reading 💖

[criticalintellect]

Alright this is gonna bug the piss outta me unless I get this out. Some retard on twitter looking for clout, again, was calling Warhammer 40k fans Nazis. So listen here chucklefucks: no. We're not. I could go on and on about this, but I can sum it up in one sentence; fiction does not effect reality. And don't think I haven't seen the idiotic retorts of "oF cOuRsE fIcTiOn AfFeCtS rEaLiTy, It AfFeCtS oUr EmOtIoNs" yeahyeahyeahyeah I know what you jackasses are actually trying to get at when you say that. Liking a bad thing in fiction does not magically turn readers who enjoy it into that thing. Yes, the Imperium of Man is an oppressive regime, what an enlightened observation from someone on the outside who knows the most surface of surface level facts about 40k. Do you understand the context of WHY it's so oppressive? Why it's so dystopian? No of course not, cause you fucks just wanna be a bunch of bullies and clout chasers.

So here's the thing. The Imperium is so oppressive and forces everyone to move in lock-step because...humans aren't the only race in 40k. And those other races? Are trying to actively murder humans. The Eldar? Kills us because they think they're superior to us. The orks? They kill for the sake of killing. Necrons? Same as the Eldar but even worse cause they're borderline unkillable and have far more advanced weapons. Chaos demons? They're fuckin demons, they don't need a reason to kill humans, they just do. And what's telling is that every time some rando fuck calls us nazis, they NEVER bring up any of the alien races that are JUST AS BAD as humans. Almost like...they don't know about them. Like they don't know what they're talking about. And I'm sick to fucking death about these kinds of people. They're like the faggots that keep winging and whining about there being no fem marines yet not ever talking about the Sisters of Battle or Silence. ALMOST LIKE THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT! I'm sick to death of people shittalking Lovecraft, I'm sick to death of these limp complaints about a lack of diversity in 40k, and I'm sick to death of these parasites lying about all of the genuinely nice, inviting people in both of these fandoms I've been a part of for years now. Ironically, these fandoms centered around dystopian hellscapes and eldritch abominations have some of the nicest people I've ever encountered. None of this purity test bullshit, none of this fake ass clout chasing whining about something being "problematic". We're not here clapping and yelling "YAAAAS RACISM, FISH PEOPLE MEANS BLACK PEOPLE" or "YAAAS FASCISM, SIEG HEIL MY GOD EMPEROR"....We're hear to tell spooky stories and paint models and yell WAAAAAGH like a buncha fucking autists. We're here for fun, God's sake...

[welldonekhushi]

Katya Viktorovna Kovalevskaya | Biography

“Sometimes we trust the wrong person. We tell them everything and it soon spreads it like a small fire combusted by a twig, burning an entire forest.”

Lieutenant Yekaterina Viktorovna Kovalevskaya or just Katya (Russian: Катя Викторовна Ковалевская) is a character featured in Call of Duty: World at War and later in the Black Ops series. She was the Russian squad leader of the Red Army during World War II serving as a Senior Lieutenant in Call of Duty: World at War, and later as a Major in Call of Duty: Black Ops.

Biography

Early History

“I was a teenager that time when I lost my parents. But when I grew up, I realised that life has now sent me to fight for myself and others.”

— Katya’s childhood

Born in 1910, Katya had the roots of her parents being Indian during the British Raj and raised in the middle of Russia. She was learnt to hold a gun at the age of five by her father, who was a hunter. The relationship with her father was a true bonding, as she always wished that he won’t grow old and stay like he is. But, when her father was attacked by a carnivore while out hunting for food, Katya couldn’t resist that pain for losing one she loved the most. Her mother was the only option left and never thought of leaving her instead, as she protested that she’ll protect her family from being attacked from any of the obnoxious forces out there. When she grew up, and the Soviet Union rose to power, she put that urge to fight for her family and country. Being successfully recruited, she was proud to be promoted as a soldier fighting for the borderlines. But as years passed, and Katya surpassed the rank of Sergeant, her mother fell ill and just gave hope to her daughter that her passion will be successful to serve Mother Russia, as her father up there would be proud of her too. As those were her mother's last words, Katya never forgot what her parents taught and did for her, ready to experience and live her new life.

In the midst of armed Russian borders.

Red Army

“I feel like I’m a mother when I take good care of my comrades. Just how mine used to pamper me.”

— Katya, talking about her motherly instincts towards her comrades

In 1927, Katya joined the Red Army, where she was soon promoted to Sergeant. The force ran across the Russian borders and prevented any external opponent force from attacking into it. She probably looked very strict when the comrades saw her for the first time, but in reality, she was a gentle presence around who always loved to have some company. According to her early history, Katya had to live far away from her home in the responsibility to protect the nation, which made her in desperate need for love and affection. She never bothered to have a partner because marriage was never her option to create true love. Instead, she wanted to create a family where everyone stays together and holds a strong bond with no grudges or hatred towards the others. That’s what her family was. Neutral and everloving.

She was bold and loyal, as stated by the comrades who worked for her, and made decisions which basically suited everyone with no conflict of opinion. Katya acted like a mother figure to all the soldiers and also made sure no one was feeling upset about their families because it was right to remember them but not too much which makes us lose our own will to fight, but knowing we’re here for our Motherland.

The Incident

“I couldn’t even dare to forget that day which changed me completely. That filled me with all those moments which makes me tremble when I imagine it.”

— Katya, about her trauma

Katya was promoted to a Lieutenant during this timeline, around 1939. Her life changed the moment when World War II began. Nazi Germany forces began marching in with the ideological goal of conquering the western Soviet Union so as to repopulate it with Germans, called as the infamous Operation Barbarossa. The Russians, believing that they only wished to create strategic purposes with the forces of Germany, decided to attack Russia by surprise. Katya realising the betrayal from their side, she with her comrades advanced on to the mission in eliminating any incoming threat that the Germans could be planning up. Moments later she was informed that a lot of her comrades moved to the nearest German command post and were not able to come back because they were infiltrated with a huge amount of German artillery, blocking their escape. They too were running low on ammunition so they could only try to survive.

Katya was ready to save their lives and arrived at the place with others, but not aware they were in a trap this all time, they were captured by the Wehrmacht and interrogated in the guidance of General Heinrich Amsel. Katya was tortured and tormented, that her growing hatred for him reached at the brim of her sanity. Amsel cruelly killed one of her closest comrades, leaving her helpless, devastated and more rageful. He began killing the other but before he could do anything, Katya begged yet threatened him not to force any action over the captive and wounded soldiers. She basically lost her parents, now she wasn’t ready to lose her comrades whom she meant as family members.

But Amsel hinted at Katya by saying "something radical", before triggering the light. She was surrounded by many explosives in the room. All this time, she was in a huge trap. Even the room where her comrades were filled with them. As it was his chance to escape and kill Katya, he pulled out the fire but before he could throw it over the combustible items, she struggled for a bit but with no luck, she passed out and Amsel started the fire. It burnt everything in the room and the Lieutenant was still passed out. Smelling the burning gunpowder, she woke up and saw the fire in front of her eyes. She suddenly remembered that her comrades were trapped in and she had to save them immediately. Panic and exhaustion with her side, she was also slightly injured on her leg because Amsel kicked it too rough. She looked around and the fire also started in the room they were safeguarded, but all of them were gone. She couldn't understand what to do as the explosives finally blew up around, taking her out, no evidence for her fate.

But, by luck the soldiers from the Red Army arrived and attacked the building by her slight distraction, freeing Katya along with the others and eliminating every infantry in the German building they were being captured and interrogated. She ordered her comrades to stay here in the room while she attempted to kill Amsel who tried escaping upstairs. By flanking his escape route, and closing every possible escape, Amsel was then trapped in the hallway with Katya to an unknown room, knowing it might be his end.

Trauma

Glad, Katya survived the explosion. But, what did it really cost?

Her face? Or her entire mental sanity for what she just experienced? She just saw her comrades die unexpectedly because she was lured into a single yet disastrous trap by the Germans. Her facial, all burnt yet bloodied out, even she couldn't see through her right eye, symbolising the explosion took so much from her. With some of the strength left in her, while carrying a Tokarev gun she picked up from the ground, having little or maybe no ammo. Some Wehrmacht soldiers came close to attack her but she shot each one of them while walking like a zombie. All those hallucinations fill inside her head, and those overthinking thoughts of the one mistake she had committed. She wasn't able to save them.

All defenseless, carrying a single pistol, fighting all those surrounded Wehrmacht. Having no idea what was even happening, by time her other comrades came and saved her from those soldiers. She was immediately taken for treatment in the medical staff, which took her a week to get out of the coma.

She did wake up after that, but the memories still haunted her of the explosion. Seeing that her face was burnt off, she literally broke down in tears. Blaming herself she couldn't do anything, she had a hard time to cope up with herself. The Commissar, who actually heard the news of the Russian soldiers dying during the explosion in the German command post, met Katya and comforted her about it. But being one worried mother figure, she usually failed in the task to protect those innocent soldiers who were held captive by General Amsel. To help her out, the Commissar also brought a Red Army private, who basically survived the explosion with her, but also injured him heavily. He lost his arms and legs in the process, but still, he was all fine. Katya felt a sense of relief when she saw that small recruit alive and okay, but remembering the rest who didn't.

The Private usually said to the Lieutenant that they sacrificed their lives for the country and not for one being, and would never blame because she usually gave them hope to fight with no fear on their back. He also thanked her for being there for them even after their last breath. Such a thing put up a huge impact on Katya's life, changing her to a different person from now on.

She was now in a form where no one could ever face her off again.

Stalingrad, and the end of General Amsel

“Amsel will die. In the midst of the bloody battlefield where the beginning of the new Russia starts to progress!”

— Katya while on the mission to kill General Amsel

Years after the incident, Katya became a more responsible and strong woman, still loyal to her flag and country. Aimed to eliminate General Amsel, she was dispatched to Stalingrad in September 17, 1942, along with her other comrades. The entire place was surrounded by the dead bodies of the Russian army, alerting her trauma. But now being strong-willed and optimistic, the trauma was now just an issue for her. They secretly crawled through many burning, smoke-filled buildings along with damp and dirty alleyways to find their way to Amsel. She even alone encountered an intense match between a Wehrmacht sniper in the nearby building. She called that sniper “hard to get” that he was managing to get away from her aim every time when she tried to shoot him. Finally shooting him, they proceed to move ahead, where they again encounter other Wehrmacht soldiers, coming to kill her. Finally to her luck, she escaped. She was rendezvous with her comrades again, this time, getting introduced to Sgt. Viktor Reznov and Pvt. Dimitri Petrenko. She felt that Dimitri was dead among the massacre at the square, but was glad again that he showed his enough strength to get over such a disastrous situation.

While trying to clear a path for the other soldiers, she was amazed to know Dimitri’s sniping skills, as he killed each and everyone of them in their way. That did surprise her, but didn’t feel upset. The moment was here when they came to the huge, grand moment she was waiting for a long time. General Amsel in her sight, trying to escape from the battlefield. Amsel met Katya again, this time in a new form he never saw. That horrified him, thinking he might die anytime in the hands of the Lieutenant thought he killed, running away again. Katya did try to shoot him and his shoulders were pierced by her bullets, making him difficult to escape now. But, it was a fair match when Dimitri, from the other building, shot him back with his sniper rifle, passing him out. Her vendetta was complete, closing her eyes, remembering her dear comrades, whispering that she gave them all justice.

Not only Katya, but her other comrades had been successful, in ending the first evil of the German reign.

Battle of Berlin

Three years later, on April 18, 1945, to advance further to the German territory, they had to break through the Wehrmacht line of defense in Seelow Heights. First, they had to rescue the captive Pvt. Dimitri Petrenko, before moving forward. She also met a new recruit, named Chernov, whom she felt that this soldier was “different” from everyone else. He was mainly against the violence the Red Army was creating, as Katya examined his point of view each time. She also commanded the tank for Dimitri in order to advance further by eliminating the remaining infantry, which finally broke the line of defence.

They arrive at Berlin, as the Russian forces invade in the German territory, advancing to the Reichstag. One situation that Katya saw was to either kill those surrendering Wehrmacht soldiers or spare them even if their death was under the Russian's hands. Reznov gave Dimitri that opportunity but she stood quiet, just to notice what reaction they replied back. If Dimitri shoots them, a different point of view opens for Katya that he isn't merciful. But if he spares, then she doesn't put up any opinion, instead to feel proud about it. The reason why she was now slowly realising the brutality was when her comrades were unmercifully killing the escaping Wehrmacht soldiers, because of Reznov's ideology about Germans. This quite angered her but didn't talk about it during the fight in the battlefield.

They arrive at the Reichstag, only to realise that Reznov was forcing Chernov to do violent activities which he was usually against. Katya finally protested her anger towards the Sergeant that one cannot just make others do the same action like they really want to. She scolded Reznov about it, that he suddenly felt a bit pity and had to apologise. There, Katya made Chernov hold the flag, and called him a good man. She too was proud of Dimitri for not killing those soldiers before they were about to meet death soon. Throughout this whole time, they finally break through the city of Berlin by hardship and teamwork, threatening the Führer and Nazis that now their end is inevitable.

Germany's Defeat

The Russians were now on the brim of victory against the Nazi Germans. Fighting through all the way from the top floor, Katya had directed and guided her 3rd Shock Army in pushing forward to the heart of Berlin. Destroying the building and claiming it as a souvenir, to show how powerful the Russians were. Katya played a major role in supporting her crew in placing the flag by firing every single soldier coming through their way as a sniper in-hidden. There, they almost reach for the triumph, reaching at the top of the Reichstag.

After years of such torment and torture by the evil like Nazis, there was now a chance to teach a lesson to those who try to mess up with a strong country. To make history of this World War, and to be known by every single person if they get to know it. In-between the flag hoisting, Dimitri was shot by a surviving Wehrmacht, having Reznov and Katya enraged.

The Sergeant killed the soldier with the machete, and Katya along with him supported Dimitri to lift the flag by clipping off the Nazi one, and placing the Soviet, claiming the true victory achieved after fighting for a span of years.

Katya was proud of his Private and along with Reznov for showing great courage and strength, and leading the army to freedom and success, ending the war and starting a new life for the world.

This is her entire story on the World at War timeline! I'll write about her life now in Black Ops very soon <3

UPDATE: Katya's Black Ops storyline is up here now!