#every time we can exist as ourselves freely and without shame

[one-true-houselight]

And another: intersexism! Society spends a lot of time and medical abuse upholding a facade of two perfect binary sexes.

It’s wild to me to see transvestigator conspiracy theories online that could be so easily explained by natural human variation. That woman has a deep voice? Yeah, sometimes they do. A woman has broad shoulders?? Maybe she plays rugby or hits the gym a fuckton. There’s a “bulge” in her tight pants?? Maybe her vulva is just fat. All the “markers” of trans woman that transvestigators use to harass any woman aren’t even things unique to trans women.

[hobbitsetal]

A Theology of Suffering

"All things work together for good for those who love God" is a beautiful and well quoted verse. And frequently, a misquoted verse. Too many people tie it into the prosperity gospel teachings of "your best life now!" and the deadly heresy of "if you just have faith, God will bless you!"

What about suffering? What about pain? What about loss? If something bad happens to you, do you not have enough faith? If you live with chronic illness or mental illness or trauma, does God not love you?

Is He not strong enough to guard us from the ills of life, or does He not exist? Without a theology of suffering, these questions have no good answer. But with a theology of suffering, we have the Biblical framework to understand that God is on His throne and to trust Him with the hardships of life.

What do I mean by "a theology of suffering"? I mean a Biblically root understanding of how pain, suffering, and hardship may fit into the Christian walk and into God's sovereign plans for our lives.

Let me begin by quoting Romans 8:28-29 in full and by offering my father's wisdom on what those verses truly speak to: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, in order that He might be the firstborn among many brothers."

My father puts it this way: "What is the highest good for any Christian? According to these verses, it is to be conformed to the image of Christ."

What does it mean to be conformed to the image of Christ? It means to become more and more like the most perfect Man who ever lived, to trust God completely, to be Love embodied.

What is love? 1 Corinthians 13 offers the most succinct picture of love: patient, gentle, long-suffering, kind, not envious or boastful. God is all of that in perfection.

But how can Love allow suffering? If He truly loves us, if He wants our best, how does pain enter into this? Many Christians go through long periods of suffering. Why? What are His purposes?

Let me lay out five reasons God may allow suffering, and then expand upon and support them with Scripture: 1. Correction of sin 2. A deeper understanding of Christ's love and the suffering He endured for our sake 3. Greater dependence on God 4. Deeper ministry to others who are suffering 5. Conforming us to the image of Christ

Correction of sin is perhaps the one I hear pointed to most frequently as an explanation for suffering, and it may indeed be God's purpose to use pain to turn us away from disobedience and back to Himself. Throughout the Old Testament, God allowed tribulation to hit Israel whenever His people turned away from Him. 1 Corinthians 11:30-32 speaks of this also: "That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died. But if we judged ourselves truly, we would not be judged. But when we are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world." In context, Paul is condemning the Corinthians for treating the Lord's Supper with disrespect, but the larger point still stands: the Lord may use suffering to correct us and He may use our weaknesses to cause us to see our inadequacy before Him apart from His own sovereign grace. Hebrews 12:3-13 also speaks of God's discipline as an expression of love, as a Father correcting His beloved children. He loves us too much to leave us in the filth and ugliness of our sin, so He corrects it, and suffering may be His tool of discipline. But suffering may also be His tool to give us the ability to understand His grace better. Hebrews 4:14-16 famously says, "Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but One Who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." What weaknesses? Well, in the garden of Gethsemane, Christ pleaded with the Father not to have to endure the cross. He expressed fear and anxiety freely, along with His submission to God's will. Further, the gospels mention Christ hungering, thirsting, growing weary, being rejected by those He loved. When we suffer, we have two things: a greater understanding of what Christ went through for our sakes, and the assurance that He understands our suffering. This is not a comparison game. We're not given these words in Hebrews so we'll say, "Oh, Christ suffered worse, so I can shut up and deal with this. After all, it's not as bad as His sufferings." What a depressing take! What a graceless, unloving, burdensome thought! Our God is not any of those things. Our God doesn't say, "I went through worse; you can deal with this." He says, "I understand you. I know firsthand how hard this is. And I will give you grace to endure." And because we know our God empathizes with us, we can depend on Him wholly and with confidence. 1 Peter 5:6-7 puts it with charming gentleness: "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you." I personally like the version that translates it, "casting your cares on Him, because He cares for you." Matthew 6:25-34 speaks to God's caring provision, with Jesus's famous words on the sparrow: if even a tiny bird does not escape the Father's notice, how much greater an interest does He take in His children? Some of the greatest suffering offers us the greatest opportunities to see how God cares for us. When we struggle financially, sometimes He sends money from unexpected quarters. Sometimes when we need encouragement, the last person we'd expect to hear from reaches out to us, or a friend says the exact words we need to hear. Sometimes we catch glimpses of how He uses our suffering for good, like Corrie ten Boom realizing the fleas that afflicted her in a Nazi concentration camp also meant the guards stayed out of their barracks and she and her sister could read their contraband Bibles without fear of discovery. Sometimes we can see clearly the grace and kindness He pours out on us, the ways He sustains us past what we thought we could endure. And sometimes, having endured or in the midst of enduring, He uses our suffering to minister to those around us and uses us to say, "God cares for me, so I know He cares for you." 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 puts it powerfully, particularly coming from the Apostle Paul, who documented his suffering for God for our encouragement and instruction: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, Who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort." What else is there to say of this? We suffer so that we can encourage others. We suffer so we can attest to the comfort of God. And in so enduring, so encouraging, so attesting, we become more like Jesus Christ the Risen Lamb, Who suffered the very wrath of God. We suffer so that our faith in Christ becomes deeper and greater. As part of His comfort, the Lord tells us how to react to suffering--with joy--and why we should rejoice. James 1:2-4, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." Romans 5:3-5, "Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us." No suffering is wasted in the hands of God. No suffering is pointless. And in Christ, for those redeemed by His blood and His sacrifice, no suffering is endless. The Lord is sovereign and merciful and He does not allow things to happen without good reason. All things work together for His greatest glory and for our greatest good: to be like Christ and to spend eternity with the God of life and joy. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18, "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

[chestnut-b]

Himawari - Chapter 3

“You’ve never thought of killing Naruto? Of having your revenge?”

“What makes you think I haven't?”

Chapter 3 of a Kimetsu no Yaiba-verse AU

Kakashi sat in his room and looked gravely at the mess of scrolls and papers before him. It was just past midnight on a cloudy evening, and the only light available was from a paper lamp that was just a bit weaker than he would have liked. Beside him, Uhei snored softly with only an occasional twitch of the nose, clearly exhausted from sprinting through the countryside.

He looked over the latest report.

“I brought Dango-chan along with me up North this time. The trace we found was pretty fresh. She estimates it couldn’t be older than a few months. Unfortunately, there aren’t any locals left for us to question, so we don’t have any clues about his latest form. We may have bought ourselves a bit more time, but judging from his trajectory, I can’t say it looks promising. Don’t slack off too much. I’ll be sending Dango-chan back, rendezvous with her when you can.”

This was bad news as much as it was not-so-terrible news, Kakashi mused. 

He dipped a brush into some fresh ink, and marked a cross onto the map before him. With one efficient stroke, a line soon connected this latest cross to an older marking in the South-west direction. Kakashi surveyed the work before him; a serpentine constellation of lines, crosses and notations collected on Orochimaru’s whereabouts over the generations across the country.

Jiraiya was right. Having just taken over a new host, Orochimaru would be unable to switch bodies for a while. Past records told them he needed time to recover his strength after each possession, but the overall trend was undeniably disturbing. The periods between were getting shorter and shorter; the collateral damage growing in devastation with each iteration. Did he require less recovery time now, or was he just getting desperate? 

Kakashi grimaced. Too little information. There had only been a handful of sightings of the great demon himself over the generations, and even then only a few reports existed from people who had lived to tell of their encounters, one of whom was Jiraiya. His own Father, as great of a warrior he was, had not survived his.

 He looked over the map once more, taking in Orochimaru’s journey and his inevitable destination.

Really, they had a few years at best.

 The Pillar let out a small sigh, allowing his thoughts to drift to the pair he knew were sleeping just across the courtyard from him. 

 -------------------------------------

“You’ve never thought of killing Naruto? Of having your revenge?” 

It was a question born out of curiosity. He really just wanted to get to know Iruka a little better. 

Then came his answer.

“What makes you think I haven't?”

 If there was any brevity in the air before this, it was nowhere to be found now. 

 An amber-brown gaze was fixed on him, and for the first time he found himself unable to read Iruka. Between them now was only the crackle of a flame, and they waited to see who would break their silence first.

Well, he’d started this inquiry, Kakashi thought. Time to see where it would take them.  

“Seeing how well you get along, it’s a bit surprising…that’s all.”  

It was sincere, without a hint of sarcasm.  

Sensing this, Iruka broke eye contact and dipped his head, staring at his own reflection in the cup of tea still in his hands, his expression somber. Kakashi refused to press choosing instead to observe silently; the subtle signs of exhaustion, usually camouflaged by a smile and good humor. Iruka never let it show in front of Naruto or his students, but if the other evening was anything to go by, he mustn't have had a decent night's sleep in a while now. 

 “Sarutobi-sama can be unexpectedly cruel sometimes, you know.” Iruka whispered. His lips turned in a wry smile. 

If Minato-sensei and Jiraiya had been any indication, Kakashi thought he might have had some kind of clue, but he held his tongue. Hopefully, they’d be able to joke about it later. 

“Kakashi-san, how do you think we came to find out about Naruto’s immunity to sunlight?”  

Ah. This was something that had bothered him for a while, and certainly not something he’d expected to find out so soon, not from Iruka, anyway.  

When Kakashi had delivered his sensei’s newborn child to Jiraiya, it had been a few hours before dawn. It was the last time he ever saw Naruto before coming here. Meeting him out in the open with Iruka that first day was something completely unexpected.

“Am I even allowed to hear this?” 

“It was left to my discretion. I think...it will be good for you to know.” 

To Iruka’s discretion? 

Add another entry onto the pile of mysteries that was Umino Iruka.

“You’ll have my silence, I swear it.” 

Iruka put down his cup before finally lifting his head to meet his gaze again. There was a kind of condemned relief in his expression, Kakashi found. Almost like he’d been waiting for the day he could speak of whatever it was that haunted him. 

-------------------------------------

 Iruka found some comfort in the thought that Kakashi would be the one to hear his confession.  

He had come to like the man. Behind the cool, bored exterior was not just a genuine ability to care, but a sense of humor and a smile (though he couldn’t see most of it, but he could definitely feel it) that Iruka found strangely refreshing.

Would he be able to see Iruka in the same way once this was said and done? 

As unlikely as it was, it would be nice if he could.

Iruka took in another breath to steady himself. 

Slowly, the memories he had tried to lock away came bubbling to the surface.

“It was just over a year after I lost my parents to the Kyuubi.” He started. “Sarutobi offered to take me in, and I only agreed on the condition he’d teach me the skills I needed to defeat the fox. Stupid, I know.” He sighed. Iruka remembered the days of endless reading, pouring over texts and scrolls till his head spinned. The physical training was just as punishing. Sarutobi was a harsh taskmaster, but Iruka had gotten what he’d asked for.  

“I’d just started living in his estate when he introduced us.” He paused, and his smile turned just a bit sadder.  

 He also lost his parents, the same night you did, Iruka. 

“Naruto was so small. I’d babysit him after training in the evenings. It was the only time I ever saw him.” Only Iruka would have been able to tell of a time when Naruto’s inability to be understood came from not having even learned words yet.  

“But the wounds, they never healed. I was still so angry.” The fists in his lap clenched involuntarily. “When I came of age, I demanded to know how I could kill the fox once and for all, and I needed to know where I could find it. It was what we’d agreed on.”  

He’d been standing in the rock garden that afternoon, and Iruka recalled the look on Sarutobi’s face as he sat in the shadow of the study. 

Even through the veil of pipe smoke; it was a picture of concern and unmistakable disappointment. 

All that training, even the time with a child like Naruto hadn’t been enough to quell the hurt that had been building inside.

“Sarutobi’s a man of his word though. He fully intended to give me the answers I wanted. So he called the attendants to bring Naruto, it was the first time I ever saw him in the day.”

Naruto was still asleep, and was placed before Sarutobi. But soon there was a yawn, and he started shifting and eventually awoke to unfamiliar surroundings. Iruka remembered staring at the scene in growing horror, the realisation slowly dawning upon him. 

“If you would take what it is you seek, Iruka, you know what you must do. This was all he said.” Iruka repeated, feeling his throat tighten. 

Kakashi hadn’t said a word since he started, and Iruka wished in the back of his mind that he had. Anything to take him out of the flow of this painful recollection, he would have welcomed. But there were no words, just a softened gaze without judgement, and somehow that made it hurt all the more.

“This was all I’d lived for after my parents died. Although thinking back, it was so pathetic. Sarutobi had never lied to me, he had no reason to then either. So I waited.”

If he’s a demon. All I would have to do is wait right here. 

There wasn’t a single rational thought going through his head at the time. In his mind he saw his parent’s broken bodies, smelled the blood in the air that night. Even the groggy smile on Naruto’s face when he saw Iruka wasn’t enough to snap him out of his delirium.

Then he got on his feet, slow and unsteady as newly awoken toddlers did.

“Ruukaa!” 

Those had been one of his first words too.

 “He started walking towards me...and I just stood there.” He could feel the heat creeping up his neck, spreading across his face. Shame. Shame.

 Every step Naruto took closer to the boundary of shade and light pounded like thunder in his ears. Between them both, a sinister parody of Yin and Yang.

“Then he fell. I wasn’t in time to stop him completely.”

Naruto reached out his small arms towards him, and tripped on his next step. If time was crawling before then, it stopped for him now. The last thing Iruka remembered seeing was the light hitting tiny hands, and a surprised yelp. Iruka’s body had moved on its own then. But he was too late. He knew it. He felt Naruto’s body against his as he crashed back into the study. 

What would he see when he finally opened his eyes? He remembered once, a demon tied to a tree, slowly disintegrating into blackened, glowing ash as the first rays of dawn hit him. 

But the body against him was still solid, and that gave him the courage to pry his eyes open. 

“But Naruto was still there. He was whole. His arms were completely untouched.” Iruka felt the tears of shame and relief flow freely, and rubbed them away with the back of his hand. Crying in front of a Hashira, as if the shame he felt wasn’t enough.

Naruto was smiling at him, his eyes so wide Iruka saw his own reflection in them. Something in him shattered then, and he embraced Naruto, crying. The toddler merely patted his head with his tiny hands.

Behind them, Sarutobi looked on, dumbfounded. His pipe dropped and forgotten on the floor.

“That was how we realised Naruto could live under the sun.” 

Yes, even if it was only because, for a moment, Iruka had been willing to let Naruto get hurt, for a sin that wasn’t even his.

-------------------------------------

Kakashi could have been mad, perhaps he should have been. 

His sensei’s child, the baby he had to fight so hard to save on that massacre of a night, could have died for a boy’s revenge if it weren’t for a strange twist of fate. 

He’d been granted the chance to live normally in the light of day, something his clan never had the ability to do, and Iruka was the reason for that, even if the circumstances were less than ideal. 

Could he bring himself to be angry at Iruka?

The youth was a wreck before him, even if he was doing his best to hide it.

Kakashi certainly didn’t expect this, going into the afternoon. But he’d gotten what he’d asked for, and then some. 

He didn’t get a chance to ponder for long before Iruka spoke again.

“You have a visitor, Kakashi-san. By the sounds of it, it’s an important message. I’ll get out of your way.” He bowed, before taking his sword and rising. As he broke the seal on the door and parted the shoji, a familiar bark reached his ears. It was Uhei, Kakashi realised.

“Thank you for the tea.”

He didn’t even give Kakashi the chance to respond before he disappeared into the hallway.

 -------------------------------------

Dinner that night was an awkward affair. At the school they ate communally, the offerings of the day depending on what the older students could scavenge from the surrounding forests. Survival training was a daily affair here, after all. Staples like rice and salt they received from headquarters, anything else was up to them to procure. 

It was a simple meal of rice, bamboo shoots, pickled plum and mackerel, fished from the river a distance away. 

Kakashi had rejected any attempts to seat him as an ‘honored guest’ the day he arrived, and because he’d been placed under Iruka’s care, they normally sat together with the other Instructors. Tonight, Iruka was nowhere to be found.

“Oi Naruto, what’s up with your brother?” Across Kakashi sat Izumo today, one of the guards and assistant Instructors. He’d turned around to nudge Naruto in the back. The boy, who’d just snuck Lee his bamboo shoots, merely turned to Kakashi and sent a nasty glare his way. 

 Oh dear.

“He said he wasn’t feeling well. I’m bringing him dinner later.” 

“Again? You sure you aren’t giving Iruka a hard time? It’s been happening more often lately.” This time it was the other guard, Kotetsu who interjected. Naruto looked utterly indignant, his glare towards Kakashi only intensifying. 

“Ask baka-Kakashi over there! He was just fine during class today!” 

“Naruto you idiot! Show the Hashira some respect.” Mizuki hissed from his seat. Naruto stuck out his tongue at him before turning around to continue his dinner. Watching the exchange, Lee looked a little greener than usual.

“My apologies, Hatake-dono. The kids here forget their manners sometimes. Naruto in particular overreacts when Iruka’s involved” Izumo sighed. Kakashi shook his head and waved it off. He had to admit ticking Naruto off was just a bit enjoyable, but really, he couldn’t blame the kid. 

Naruto had good reason to be upset at him.

-------------------------------------

Kakashi’s terrible habit of letting his curiosity get the better of him seemed to have gotten worse since he arrived here. 

That was probably why he found himself crouched upon one of the wooden beams that stretched across the ceiling, his presence carefully masked, above a sleeping Naruto and his guardian. Iruka looked exhausted, but slept without the tremors that disturbed him the previous evening. Naruto was curled up close, facing him, almost as if he was the one on guard that night. 

 In hindsight, the conversation in the afternoon was undeniably revealing, but also produced more unanswered questions than Kakashi was comfortable with. 

He also wasn’t usually this impulsive, but this was home ground. There would be little risk in getting at least one of those questions answered here tonight. 

With blade in hand, he descended.

No, he wasn’t expecting his blade to sink into flesh, but he didn’t quite expect what happened in the next instant either. 

As soon as he’d leapt from the beam, Naruto was snatched from his futon by an obviously very awake Iruka, who rolled them both right past a curtained partition, before being seemingly swallowed by a wall just behind it.

A misdirection seal, here?

Kakashi felt a presence materialise above him.

He only had time to free his blade from the stabbed futon under him before turning his body to block the weapon and the subsequent mass that descended upon him. The ring of metal meeting metal pierced the air. Having found focus, Kakashi’s eye was met with a gaze that was only unfamiliar in its intensity and the sheer annoyance it radiated. Though, if he looked carefully, he could find some barely hidden amusement mixed in there too. 

“To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit, Hatake-dono?”

He couldn’t quite see the smirk that was definitely on his lips, but his eyes had a tendency to reveal too much. 

“Oh, just thought I’d drop in and see how you were doing, Iruka-sensei. You didn’t show up at dinner.”

Kakashi smiled, how thoughtful he was. 

A small shift reminded Kakashi of his current position. His back was pressed against Iruka’s futon, with its owner currently straddling his waist as he put more of his body weight onto the blade threatening to bite into Kakashi’s throat. It was not the slayer katana he would have expected, no, Iruka’s still lay in its sheath by his hip. Instead, gripped in his hands was a kunai, longer and deadlier looking than the ones usually kept hidden in clothing. A fascinating choice of weapon for someone who was supposed to be a swordsman.

Kakashi would have commented on it sooner, but instead he took a moment to take in the view. Feathers from the ripped futon had been released into the air from their commotion, and some were still continuing their sleepy descent. Combined with the pale light and his intense glare, it gave Iruka an otherworldly look.

Kakashi found himself thinking that with the addition of some wings, he’d make for a fine tengu. Although, his face was much too dignified to play the part. He chuckled at the thought.

“Something amusing, Kakashi-san?”

“I was just thinking you looked a little annoyed, Iruka-sensei.” 

“What would I have to be annoyed about? “

Interrupted sleep, spent seals that needed resetting, a ripped bed and blanket, having to fetch Naruto back from wherever he was hidden.

He could think of a few more things. 

But for now, he found that he didn’t mind at all being the main object of Iruka’s irritation. 

“Nice kunai you have there.” The force against his blade increased by just a nudge, an offer for a closer look.

“Our blades weren’t created to be used against humans.” 

 A teacher even outside the classroom.

“A gift from Sarutobi?” 

“The best blade-,”

“-is the one you have on you” Kakashi finished. How many times had he heard Minato recite that line, but there was no denying the truth in it. After all, who knows how many slayers had died for want of a blade, even one as small as a kunai.

Iruka looked satisfied enough with his answer though. A small smile had slipped through the cracks.

The killing intent in the air had died down, and Kakashi thought it a good time to get some answers. He looked Iruka straight in the eyes, intending to start with the most important one:

“Have I incurred your anger, sensei?” 

It came out softer and more apologetic than he’d intended. 

That was enough for Iruka to falter, his eyes widening in surprise. The kunai was swiftly withdrawn, and in that moment he seemed to gain an acute awareness of his current position. It took mere seconds before his face was ablaze, right to the tips of his ears, making the scar across his face stand out more than usual. The warmth against Kakashi’s body soon disappeared, and before he could stop him, Iruka had his forehead and palms pressed against the wooden floor beside him.

“Forgive me, Kakashi-san. I forgot my station.”

“Iruka.”

Silence.

“Iruka-sensei, I won’t repeat myself. Raise your head.” 

He did as he was instructed, but refused to meet his eye. Kakashi sat up on the futon across him, reached out, and placed a hand on the teacher’s shoulder.

“Our conversation this afternoon has obviously caused you a lot of grief, sensei. It wasn’t my intention. I apologise.” 

Iruka merely shook his head in response. 

“Please. Don’t.” He pleaded under his breath. “If anyone has cause for anger, it’s you.”

“Sarutobi-sama told me you were the one who saved Naruto that night. If it wasn’t for my stupidity, Naruto-,”

“Naruto wouldn’t be living the life he does now. Like a normal child, with friends, family - you. He’d be kept in the dark, alone and not even knowing why, when he could actually live under the sun with everyone else.” 

 Iruka was finally looking at him now, albeit dumbstruck. Like he couldn’t believe his ears.

“Iruka, we’ve all made mistakes, but Naruto’s alive, and it will be our job to make sure he stays that way.” Yes, Iruka’s and his, most likely. He wasn’t sure if the other Hashira would be so keen on the idea. 

This time, Iruka didn’t argue with him, which he was grateful for. It had been a long, exhausting day. Instead, he favoured Kakashi with a look of considerable relief, and just a glint of hope to have found a comrade who considered Naruto worth protecting, despite the truth of his existence. 

“By the way, Iruka-sensei, where’s Naruto?” 

“Ah.” He froze. It took a whole three seconds before he took to his feet and started for the door leading to the back yard. 

“Kakashi-san, it would probably be best if you weren’t here when we return. Naruto was spewing some awful things about you when he delivered dinner. I’d hate to get him riled up this late.” It was quiet, teasing, but noticeably lighter than it had been all day. He was about to set off when Kakashi interrupted.

“See you later?” 

“For tea? Only if you’re making it. It was good.” 

“All right. I’ll help you with your beddings too.”

“I’d expect no less. Have a good night, Kakashi-san.”

With that he disappeared beyond the wall and into the night.

Kakashi stood to leave, but not before looking up at the spot where Iruka had descended from. He’d had to squint; engraved into the wood was the faintest misdirection seal he’d ever seen. 

If Iruka doesn’t stop with the surprises, I’m going to have to keep bothering him.

He sighed. But somewhere at the back of his mind, a voice was telling him it might not be so bad.

-------------------------------------

 End of Chapter 3

Author’s Notes:

Wow, a long one after a long break! Hope you guys enjoyed it! It took a while to figure out what direction I wanted this to go in, but it was a very fun chapter to write. It’s going to be a surprisingly slow burn, this one. 

The art is of an awkward Iruka babysitting young Naruto. 

This chapter is also on AO3 if you’d prefer to read it there sometime.  Any comments at all will be most appreciated and devoured with thanks. : ) 

[chrisemrysfics]

What are you thankful for?

To be honest, it’s rather correct to say pretty much everything in my life. Or to be precise, I can find gratitude in any aspect of my life.

I have an amazing mother, whose support has been fundamental to heal from the deep trauma I had as a child, and all the wounds gained through the teenage years of not quite understanding other people, of feeling deeply sensitive. Her support was also fundamental to being able to feel free to pursue my dream career, to feel free to talk about anything, and in turn through the years I’ve had the immense pleasure to see my mother grow herself, learn for me when I learned in ways she couldn’t due to her own environment growing up. She is my best friend and through the years, I’ve known how truly amazing it is to have her. She always said that she raised us in the way that she was not raised, that she told herself I won’t do this to my children. She wanted us to feel free, to find happiness, and she’s taken both the roles of father and mother. She always look to know if I’m happy, if she isn’t putting too much on me, and she honestly gets too hard on herself, however I’m also very grateful that in the past few weeks, she’s really grown into the sincere wish to love herself and take care of herself.

I have a brother that, despite his own issues, has always been present, has always shown us he loves us, has never liked to see us hurt. What’s truly amazing is that, due to the way my own father treated him once I was born (I rarely say it and I forget it genuinely most of the time, but we’re half siblings), my brother wasn’t kind to me at first, not in violent ways, and honestly I can’t recall, but from what I understand, he was a bit mean to me, distant, easily angered. But my mother made him see my father’s fault were not my own, and when he allowed himself to care for me rather than see me as the reason my father stopped being nice to him, he showed he cared. I think it has surprised him recently to see me truly evolve into an independent person, to my deepest self, as I think he never quite realized I wasn’t a child, teen, anymore. I know I’ll always be his little sibling, despite the joke we often had that it felt more like we were twins. But I know who my brother is in his heart, and him, mom and I, we’re a team.

I have had short terms friendships, with classmates, in general that didn’t last once we weren’t in the same classes anymore, though with some we shared multiple years in the same classes. I’ve had friends on internet who drifted away after a while, and I’ve had a childhood friend that we spent years as friends, before the way we lived our lives just didn���t seem to fit anymore. All these people, I have shared happy moments, and I’m thankful for them all. It’s a blessing that almost all the time, it’s never been argument that has separated us, but a genuine drifting away, where it just happened, that we felt less and less pulled to talk until it stopped. I have had friends I choose to cut off from my life, but I will never forget the good times, and I was blessed to have one come back into my life two years later, and gratefully we also both evolved, the issues that pushed me to cut ties was not present anymore and we were able to discuss things honestly.

The friends I have now, there is so much I feel grateful about. They helped me evolve as a person, to be more honest, to be more open, and I know I still need to learn to open up more. They supported me, even financially at times, and no matter what, I know our bonds are strong, and to me, they are family. The same way my mother and brother are family of heart rather than blood for me, the friends I have now are also heart family. I feel cared for by them, and I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

I also know good people in the two, three servers I’m active in, I tend to be a quiet person in group settings, yet I feel at home in these servers, with these people, and I feel known by them. I also feel very grateful to the people I can see regularly rebloging or liking my posts. And I feel grateful for all the readers I get, and how I can be assured to see kudos mails at least once every two days, if not everyday. Sometimes it’s one, or two, sometimes more, sometimes two/three days do pass at least, but I don’t think I have ever seen a full week pass without at least one or two kudos mail. And that’s so amazing, to know every week, there’s at least one person who read my fic that I can see did so.

I feel grateful that I have my own space, my own home in my mom’s home, we have struggled in the past and sometimes we still do, but our situation vastly improved in the past two years, a big part when mom finally entered retirement. We always made it work, and it’s easier now. It’s way easier to feel free to buy food, to treat ourselves from times to times, and I’m grateful for every single moment I can buy anything for the household, necessities and treats and gifts alike.

I’m so, so grateful I feel free to write, to be a writer. Inspiration, imagination, building worlds and stories, it’s such a core part of myself, and to write as my main activity, it feels like I am constantly indulging myself. In truth, it is my career because it is what I’m legally marked as (independent writer), but in practice? I’m just living my life, freely and happily. I write, I take care of my mom, I relax, I live my days. And there is so much more than being focused on “how much do I earn each month” because there is so much that matters. For the longest while, while sometimes I felt like a burden and had to talk myself up from that mood, I would know that, if I can’t financial support, I can emotional support, I can do a lot of stuff. When I finally did the papers for a governmental allowance, and it passed, finally I could do more, though as seen from this month, sometimes a end of month can be a bit harder. But what I prefer to see is, before we had my brother often help us, and now, for the most part I can help. And whenever there has been support, I’ve always felt so grateful I would spazz internally.

I also feel very grateful to have found my spiritual path, I’m a curious person by nature, and there is so much you can learn, and then you find what feels right to you, what feels good, what makes you heal yourself more, what helps you. It isn’t that spirituality has made me a better person, it’s that it taught me to love myself in its truest definition, and in turn, I am able to truly show who I am at the core. What I believe in is between me and myself, and anyone who doesn’t judge (whether or not they believe in the same ways), I have no shame and no fear of speaking about my beliefs, of course certain things are more personal, and I don’t feel it’s necessary to broadcast it. But I don’t hide it either, because this is also part of me. The confidence it has given me, the joy in life, the ability to perceive in different manners, I am so grateful for it. To be spiritual is to believe in beings that are non-physical, and to me, those beings have been a very strong source of support and love.

So, as you can see, there is a lot I can be grateful for, and I didn’t even touch details. I’ll feel grateful for finding a fic I like to read, I’ll feel grateful for finding this special offer, I’ll feel grateful for the fun of gaming, and so on. The more I have voiced to myself what I feel thankful about, the more I have seen that there is so much you can be happy about it. And feeling happy is something I feel grateful for in itself! But feeling sad too, I’m thankful it allows me to express what hurts, what I long for, etc. I’m grateful for anger as it will show me when a boundary is crossed, when something doesn’t feel just, etc.

I’m going deep here but to finish: I am deeply grateful to the very ability to feel grateful. It’s more than just feeling gratitude to being able to find things I’m grateful for, it’s the very feeling. If there was absolutely nothing in my life I genuinely felt grateful about, then the feeling of gratitude that exist, and that is lacking, would tell me everything in my life need to change, and I would be grateful that gratitude exist to let me know what needs to change, what is making me unhappy. So gratitude in itself is a blessed feelings, all feelings are, but when you ask yourself what you are grateful about, feeling the emotion is the first gratitude in your life.

[noiseartists]

HOIRONG, talented post-indie noise bringers from India

Noise manipulators, from the Indian sub-continent, HOIRONG is a brainchild of frontman/guitarist - Kamal Singh. “The fat and ugly stepsister of pop music” is how they describe their music, and their latest album, Cow Gives Milk, is one of the best releases of 2019 from India that delivers an interesting mix of cleverly crafted Noise, Shoegaze, Punk and everything in between.

Basically you alternate between Madness and Pure Joy in beautifully crafted songs. Be ready to be entertained, enjoyed and surprised.

Here are a few example to listen to, illustrating the band’s variety of sounds and influences:

Note that they are part of Noise Artists Indian Shoegaze, Noise & Dream Pop volume 1 with other great bands We invite you in this piece to discover their music, who they are (interview, as whacky as their music can be), where to find their music and more information on the band.

THE BAND

The current line-up is:

Kamal

Akhil

Akshat

THE MUSICAL WORK

HOIRONG diverse musical work to date is as follows:

Cow Gives Milk (April 2019)

Mwah, LP, (May 2016)

The Old Newz, EP, (April 2015)

Dandaniya Apradh, LP, (August 2014)

Nursery Lies, LP, (2014)

A Hoirong Christmas (2013)

The Resurrection Of The Princess Of Woe And Her Vampire Hound Posse, LP, (March 2013)

Singles:

If I Slit Your Throat Would Your Blood Turn To Doves That Fly Out From Your Neck And Leave Me In Complete Awe, Nov 2014

23/24 (Dennis Rodman Tribute), Nov 2014

Under Section 87, 2014

Covers:

I Swear (All For One), March 2015

Lakhan (From The Movie - Ram Lakhan), July 2015

1979 (Smashing Pumpkins), June 2018

Titanium (David Guetta), 2013

Aaja Meri Gaadi Mein Betja (Baba Sehgal, Anu Malik), 2013

2 Become 1 (Spice Girls), 2014

Enter Sandman (Metallica), 2014

Smile (Unknown Artist), 2014

THE INTERVIEW

What is your music about?

Kamal: Living, Love, Laughter and Food

Akshat: Living, Love, Laughter, Food and Suicide

Tell us about the artists you have worked with.

Kamal: They are very good and it was a pleasure to work with each and every one of them.

We look forward to crossing paths once again in this lifetime.

Having said that, there are some people we have never worked with and never ever, ever…. like EVER want to work with them. We also have very bad things to say about them.

Akshat: Ryan Seacrest, Simon Cowell, that Masterchef guy, and many others. We like to work with Hoirong’s.

Where are you from? Where are you living now?

Kamal: India, We live in different cities…but we could say that we are based in Delhi/Bangalore

Akshat: What Kamal said, But additionally, seems like Akhil lives on twitter since we barely hear from him other than his tweets.

Akhil: We are a dysfunctional group where, half the time, we have no idea what the others are up to. But we get together (digitally) every few months when it’s time to work on music or release something.

What did you study?

Kamal: Quite a few things that I now realise I completely wasted my time on. That does not mean in any way that I had or have better things to do. Not at all. Not one millisecond of that thought even crosses my mind but maybe it did and I am in denial because I am mentioning it and in some way defending it. If it was not true why would I even be saying it.

Akshat: The art of following pursuits which will probably amount to nothing or very little at all

Akhil: Kamal is trying to say in a roundabout way that he studied music therapy. Akshat dropped out of engineering college I think. I studied English literature and journalism for some reason.

Kamal: No, I’m not. I was talking about school and the many things I tried to study and tormented myself.

What is your day job at present if any?

Kamal: Music Therapy

Akshat: New media Artist / FIlmmaker

Akhil: Writer/journalist.

Do you dream to live from your music or is it a passion you do not want to spend your full time on?

Kamal: This is definitely a trick question. My answer is … None of the above…. and …. Music is a dream and time is life. And to freely misquote Steve Vai “Passion is Warfare”

Akshat: No I don’t dream to live

Akhil: Never. Have you heard our music?

You have a great history. Could you tell us more on how the band came to be and its history really?

Kamal: The band came as a surprise. Hoirong began out of the intention of never being a band. It’s just misery to be a band and totally unproductive and completely useless. Why would anyone want to be in a band??? Everything I’ve just said here is a lie. This is just total reverse psychology to myself and everyone who has stood with us through the thick and thin that life has offered us. I would like to apologise on behalf of the band for all our mistakes and for the utter irresponsibility we have carried ourselves with. We have disappointed you and therefore, we hang our heads in shame and self disgust.

Akshat: I was and am a fan of Kamal’s writing before joining the band. One day he asked me out for a date, and I was like “Really”, and he was like “Really” and I was like “Damn, this is a dream come true”, and he was like “Give me 3 Rohypnol” to the chemist. Things are a little blurry after that, but safe to say nothing was the same ever since.

Akhil: Short answer: Kamal started it off as a solo thing to put out his music and Akshat and I barged our way into it and insisted he play with us.

Could you tell me how the band meet and decided to do music together?

Kamal: Mostly we just text each other. Recently we started sending each other voice messages on whatsapp.

Akshat: We usually try not to communicate unless absolutely necessary.

Akhil: Same as above.

Can you tell me the inspiration behind your band? You can detect the influences of noise and punk rock. You took these influences to make your own music, your own sound, which is not easy. Could you tell more?

Kamal: Yes, this is true. We might have done this without realising. By the way, the Air Jordans on Snapdeal, I am told, are fake.

Akshat: The 80’s No-wave movement, the 90’s garage and alternative movements, and basically every sound made by people dressed as bums.

Akhil: All the pretentious art movements of the last many decades.

Kamal: Wow! That’s a lot of putting together. We might have outdone ourselves.

Can you tell us about some of your favourite bands, the music you listen now, some you may want to bring the attention from the reader to?

Kamal: I like the music of Space Behind the Yellow Room and my new favourite band is Lo! Peninsula. Yes, both the bands paid me to say that and yes, I am the promoter for both the bands and so I just take every chance I get to plug them? Yeah!! we plug them both as hard as we can. Plug it to ya! Its plugged in!!!

Having said that, both these band would sound terrible unplugged.

Akshat: Indian bands I love are Lifafa, The Superfuzz, and HOIRONG.

You should definitely listen to HOIRONG. They are better than the other two I mentioned.

Akhil: Hoirong and Carly Rae Jepsen.

Was there a vision of sorts or did you know what you wanted to do when you started up?

Kamal: Yes. It was very clear - don’t waste my time. I did not mean that you are wasting my time. I meant that I and we as some sort of band should not waste time. Please believe me.

Akshat: Yeah there was a vision. It was meant to be like the opening 20 minutes of ‘Almost Famous’, but ended up being more like the ending 10 minutes of ‘The Shining’

Akhil: Just playing music.

Do you have any other musical side projects apart from this band?

Kamal: Yes, we have a few.

Akhil: We’re all always doing something or the other musically. Most of it is shit.

Could you tell me more on the band composition? Do you have plans to add new members, or is there possible departure scheduled from existing band members?

Kamal: Yes, we plan to add band members because there has always been a possibility that Akhil actually finally leaves us and joins a very famous world music fusion band. Well!.... good for him and good for them.

Akshat: I really hope Akhil stops holding us back after this album and quits. Akhil i hope you are reading this.

Akhil: We might get rid of the drummer.

Can you tell us more how you came to have the band’s name?

Kamal: It suited us so well, we had no way to talk ourselves out of it.

Who writes the song and the music and how do you get to the final song? Is it a community process, do you have leaders in composing or arranging music?

I, Kamal, the control freak Dictator won’t let anyone do anything.

Akshat: Supreme Leader and Commander in grief, Kamalala writes the frame, and then together we create the painting which eventually makes people eyes and ears bleed.

Akhil: Kamal writes all the songs (because we let him) and then we work on them - sometimes together, usually individually.

Do you listen to the advice of your band mates? What would you do if they said a song was shit but you liked it?

Kamal: Best way to deal with these situations is not to answer phone calls, ignore text messages and never make the mistake of opening whatsapp messages, you know what I mean? because if you do then the blue double fake nike logos change colour and... that’s that then.

Akshat: Never. I am the best and know better than everyone else in this band. +1 to what Kamal said

Akhil: No.

Was it kind of intimidating going to record knowing people might not be engaging with the songs in terms of hooks and such and trying to deliver an engaging sound on record?

Kamal: Oh! No! not at all. We are very confident and self assured as individuals. We have very high self-worth and self-esteem.

Akshat: Every night while finishing my daily bottle of scotch, I think, nay hope, that people will get our music, but know that it is too ahead of its time, and that they will never, and then I cry myself to sleep. Every night.

Akhil: No, I think we’ve gotten past those insecurities for the most part.

Talking about the lyrics: who write them? Is there a common thread in them, a theme? Who chose the songs’ name?

Who else…. that Dictator control freak.

Do you labor over your lyrics? Is that something that comes easy?

Kamal: Not at all. I wouldn’t say it was easy…. I think it comes fairly easily. Like… not too bad types. Yeah, medium speed and medium pace.

Do you have a message that you want to get across in your music? If so, what are some of the messages you want to spread?

Kamal: Yes we do. Love, Beauty, Peace, Child Labour, E-waste and Save the Forest and also Save the Tiger.

Did your listening habits changed over the years and does it affect what you write?

Kamal: Yes, We have gotten more impatient and maybe that has made us very idiotic as people too. I don't think we'll make it very far if we don't do something about it soon.

Akshat: Yes listening habits have changed. Earlier there was lesser access, but more meaning. Now there’s infinite access, but far lesser meaning, there’s an overpopulation of content and that is diluting the value and timelessness of art. but that’s just me. It affects how one thinks, feels and of course writes music. I think there is more pressure now than ever to write meaningful music and not contribute to the pile of crap already out there.

Akhil: My listening habits change every few months but I think we all will continue to like punk and the dirty guitar rock that informs Hoirong often.

How is your recognition going worldwide? Is it growing? Are you happy with it?

Kamal: It’s terrible. No we are the opposite of Happy. We are turning into a bunch of jealous crocodiles.

Akshat: We are world famous in India

Is it easy to find producers and studios where you live for indie-rock?

Kamal: Yeah, but none of them want to work with us. We keep asking for discounts and tell them we will pay them when we become famous or from the gigs we play but we never do and now they know all this too well to make fools of themselves anymore. I totally get it. No offense meant and none taken.

Your recorded sound is very good, which is not easy. Did you engineer the sound yourself, or did you have a sound engineer with you? If yes could you tell us more about him/her?

Kamal: No one wants to work with us. Viraj Mohan took bait once along with Keshav Dhar but now they know all our tricks.

Akhil: Not that he needs any more flattery, but the new record - as with a lot of the old ones - has been produced by Kamal on his Acer desktop.

Was it a community work to try to have the best sounding music possible or mainly driven by the sound engineer or by the band?

Kamal: Ok. Now you’re just trying to rub it in no?

Can you tell us how the recording process was?

Kamal: Terrible. Boring and very very tiring.

Akhil: For me, it was just recording hundreds of guitar parts to the songs at home and waiting for the mixes to see what made it and how the songs changed shape.

Could you let us know some important technical tricks you learnt during the process that could help other musicians not as experienced?

Kamal: Making Akhil play his parts and not recording him.

Akhil: He’s talking shit.

How did the recording work differ over time?

Kamal: We started paying more attention to the complaints we were receiving. This decision has led to purchasing a new sound card and a couple of headphones along with a laptop charger.

Akshat: We are very democratic and heard the public and acted upon it. One of the main issues people had with our music was Akhil’s crap guitar playing. So now, in this new album, we have basically buried his parts waaaaaaayyyyy in the back of the mix so that they are there but not there.

Akhil: Why is the drummer answering music related questions? Learn to play a real instrument first.

Is the recording material yours when you are out of a studio or do you borrow/rent it?

Kamal: No, no. We own everything we have.

Akshat: We mostly just burn the evidence after. That’s why no two albums of ours sound the same.

Akhil: I bought a brand new soundcard just to record my parts for this album.

Any interesting anecdotes on some recording session you would like to share?

Kamal: No, not really.

Did getting the live experience across on record create any pressure for yourselves in the recording process?

Kamal; No, the other method is severely pressurising, demotivating and very very emotionally destructive.

Akhil: If anything, Hoirong’s live sound (if we ever play live) tends to be very different from how we are on record.

Instruments: Are you mainly a Fender band?

Kamal: We don’t own any fenders but having said that we have seen some of them here and there *ahem* *cough* *cough* *hint* *hint*

Akshat: Dude there is a drummer in this band as well, what the fuck? Couldn’t you have mentioned a drum brand just for courtesy? That’s it, my interview is over.

*throws rock star tantrum and stops answering questions*

Akhil: Fender sucks. I am a left-handed guitar player and I play a PureSalem. I originally wanted a Fender Jazzmaster. But while the righty version was some $700, the EXACT SAME GUITAR left-handed would have cost me $3500 as well as import duties and a waiting period through the custom shop.

Kamal: Ooooo so much to talk about suddenly. “PureSalem”

Do you have one favorite instrument or do you change often?

Kamal: I change often.

Tell us what you are looking when trying to achieve your sounds? Do you experiment a lot or have a clear idea of what you want?

Kamal: Both.

Who is the more knowledgeable with pedals? You use them a lot, to great effect.

Kamal: Akshat is the expert.

PS - I just realised that pedals could mean 5 different things.

He could be the expert in selling drugs.

He could be an expert bicycle guy.

He could be an expert in guitar effects.

He could be an expert in hi hat and kick drum pedals.

He could be an expert race car driver.

See...Now… we will never know the correct answer.

Akshat: Kamal knows me so well.

How many concerts a year would you do on average and what would be the size of the venue?

Kamal: Last year we did one concert. The size of the venue was good. The stage was small so one of us had to stand off stage. It was difficult to concentrate on the gig trying to make sure our bandmate was not feeling out of place.

Akhil: it wasn’t last year, it was 2016.

Kamal: Oh!

Would you mind sharing some good anecdotes from your concerts/touring?

Kamal: Not enough experience to share any anecdotes.

Akshat: Kamal lies. He has a knack of getting into fights with people, which Akshat tries to diffuse, and then he gets angry at Akshat and beats the shit out of him. This has happened at 2 different festivals with people of 2 different nationalities.

Kamal : Akshat????

What are some places around the world that you hope to take your band? Do you have any plans at present to tour in other countries?

Kamal: Yes, we hope to be able to play in at least one more country apart from India.

Is there any reason in particular that you want to go to these places? Is there something about the music scene in those places that makes you want to go there?

Kamal: No reason really.

THE SCENE

Is it easy for an Indian indie bands to be known internationally? Do you have any example?

Kamal: Maybe it is. We hope it is.

Akshat: Not really. No one really cares about Indian bands not singing in Hindi since its not exotic enough.

Has the scene changed since you began, and if so how?

Kamal: Yes, the cover bands have come back. Yay!

Akshat: Yes, when we started there was a live band scene in India, quite a nice one at that. Then the Dj’s and EDM took over and now we don’t have that many live bands and a scene as such. But such is life , and thats a trend everywhere. Not hating, just stating.

Akhil: Not hating just stating lol.

Could you tell us a bit more about your record label and your relationship with it?

Kamal: We have no relationship with any record label.

How did the funding worked for the LP? Did you invest a lot yourself? Was your label supportive in that respect?

Kamal: No, no one supported us. We have no funding and we don’t really invest in ourselves. We learned the hard way. The only reason we are still around is because we believe in ourselves and would not give up no matter what.

Akshat: lol, what funding?

Where does the majority of the money go when you’re paying your own way?

Kamal: The funny part is there actually is no money that comes or goes anywhere when you are paying your own way. The money is just over, finished!

Akshat: lol, what money?

Do you make a decent revenue from your music or is it still very much a hobby?

Kamal: Not at all, we make a killing.

Akshat: Lol, What revenue?

How do you sell your recordings (shops, online, …)?

Kamal: Please Akshat, please surprise me by saying. “Lol, what shops?, Lol, what online?”

Akshat: Shops selling physical music in this digital age? Lol, … (stops himself)

Kamal: Rolls eyes dramatically.

Akshat: Rolls eyes back with double drama.

Akhil: Bandcamp is great. Other than that, we’re now on all the major streaming services, so we expect to make around $0.00006 for every thousand plays.

When is the next album due?

Kamal: Very soon. Akshat: With Akhil, probably in 2 years. Without Akhil, Yesterday

Akhil: Once we figure out our drummer scene.

Any other project (ie movies soundtrack, …) or plans.

Kamal: Yes, A collaboration with traditional Manipuri folk music.

Akshat: I’ve been writing some music independently, and with another band called Mag Phos so more music there

Akhil Sood: I write aimless music at home under the name Free Drone. I recently got a Chinese four-string guitar called a xuian (sp?) so maybe something with that.

Do you plan to continue music for a long time or are you tired of it?

Kamal: Both, I am tired of it but I plan to continue making music for a long time.

Akshat: It’s like that first girlfriend you had, whom you truly fell in love with but are also horrible together. You know you are bad for each other, because it’s all so volatile, but that’s also what keeps bringing you back to it. But it’s also like you’ve both become middle aged now, and are kinda like friends with benefits. How long that is going to last, well we’ll find out.

Kamal: Middle aged?

Akshat: Yeah, middle aged.

Kamal: Ok.

Akhil: Same answer as Kamal.

Anything else you want the reader to know?

Kamal: This interview is very long. Don’t hesitate taking a piss break or having a snack in between, do some stretches, a couple of push ups, watch some tele and then come back.

A good music video to watch

Watch the video of Oppurtunity on youtube.

Where to find your work? Where can people buy you music

Ok Listen, Bandcamp, Spotify and Itunes.

Provide some bands from your country, that would be worthwhile listening.

Space Behind the Yellow Room, Lo! Peninsula, MC Kaur

Anyone you like to thank?

We want to thank ourselves for hanging in there.

Follow HOIRONG here:

Facebook

Twitter

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[yngwrthr]

We were never more free than during the German occupation. We had lost all our rights, beginning with the right to talk. Every day we were insulted to our faces and had to take it in silence. Under one pretext or another, as workers, Jews, or political prisoners, we were deported EN MASSE. Everywhere, on billboards, in the newspapers, on the screen, we encountered the revolting and insipid picture of ourselves that our oppressors wanted us to accept. And, because of all this, we were free. Because the Nazi venom seeped even into our thoughts, every accurate thought was a conquest. Because an all-powerful police tried to force us to hold our tongues, every word took on the value of a declaration of principles. Because we were hunted down, every one of our gestures had the weight of a solemn commitment. The circumstances, atrocious as they often were, finally made it possible for us to live, without pretense or false shame, the hectic and impossible existence that is known as the lot of man. Exile, captivity, and especially death (which we usually shrink from facing at all in happier times) became for us the habitual objects of our concern. We learned that they were neither inevitable accidents, nor even constant and exterior dangers, but that they must be considered as our lot itself, our destiny, the profound source of our reality as men. At every instant we lived up to the full sense of this commonplace little phrase: “Man is mortal!” And the choice that each of us made of his life and of his being was an authentic choice because it was made face to face with death, because it could always have been expressed in these terms: “Rather death than…” And here I am not speaking of the elite among us who were real Resistants, but of all Frenchmen who, at every hour of the night and day throughout four years, answered NO. But the very cruelty of the enemy drove us to the extremities of this condition by forcing us to ask ourselves questions that one never considers in time of peace. All those among us – and what Frenchman was not at one time or another in this situation who knew any details concerning the Resistance asked themselves anxiously, “If they torture me, shall I be able to keep silent?” Thus the basic question of liberty itself was posed, and we were brought to the verge of the deepest knowledge that man can have of himself. For the secret of a man is not his Oedipus complex or his inferiority complex: it is the limit of his own liberty, his capacity for resisting torture and death. To those who were engaged in underground activities, the conditions of their struggle afforded a new kind of experience. They did not fight openly like soldiers. In all circumstances they were alone. They were hunted down in solitude, arrested in solitude. It was completely forlorn and unbefriended that they held out against torture, alone and naked in the presence of torturers, clean-shaven, well-fed, and well-clothed, who laughed at their cringing flesh, and to whom an untroubled conscience and a boundless sense of social strength gave every appearance of being in the right. Alone. Without a friendly hand or a word of encouragement. Yet, in the depth of their solitude, it was the others that they were protecting, all the others, all their comrades in the Resistance. Total responsibility in total solitude – is this not the very definition of our liberty? This being stripped of all, this solitude, this tremendous danger, were the same for all. For the leaders and for their men, for those who conveyed messages without knowing what their content was, as for those who directed the entire Resistance, the punishment was the same – imprisonment, deportation, death. There is no army in the world where there is such equality of risk for the private and for the commander-in-chief. And this is why the Resistance was a true democracy: for the soldier as for the commander, the same danger, the same forsakenness, the same total responsibility, the same absolute liberty within discipline. Thus, in darkness and in blood, a Republic was established, the strongest of Republics. Each of its citizens knew that he owed himself to all and that he could count only on himself alone. Each of them, in complete isolation, fulfilled his responsibility and his role in history. Each of them, standing against the oppressors, undertook to be himself, freely and irrevocably. And by choosing for himself in liberty, he chose the liberty of all. This Republic without institutions, without an army, without police, was something that at each instant every Frenchman had to win and to affirm against Nazism. No one failed in this duty, and now we are on the threshold of another Republic. May this Republic to be set up in broad daylight preserve the austere virtue of that other Republic of Silence and of Night.

Jean-Paul Sartre, Republic of Silence (1944)

[tpanan]

My Sunday Daily Blessings

September 19, 2021

Be still quiet your heart and mind, the LORD is here, loving you talking to you...........

Twenty-fifth Sunday in Ordinary Time (Roman Rite Calendar) Lectionary , Cycle B

First Reading: Wisdom 2:12, 17-20

The wicked say:  Let us beset the just one, because he is obnoxious to us; he sets himself against our doings, reproaches us for transgressions of the law and charges us with violations of our training. Let us see whether his words be true; let us find out what will happen to him. For if the just one be the son of God, God will defend him and deliver him from the hand of his foes. With revilement and torture let us put the just one to the test that we may have proof of his gentleness and try his patience. Let us condemn him to a shameful death; for according to his own words, God will take care of him.

Responsorial Psalm: Psalm 54:3-4, 5, 6 and 8

"The Lord upholds my life."

Second Reading: James 3: 16-4:3

Beloved: Where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every foul practice. But the wisdom from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without inconstancy or insincerity. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace for those who cultivate peace.

Where do the wars and where do the conflicts among you come from? Is it not from your passions that make war within your members? You covet but do not possess. You kill and envy but you cannot obtain; you fight and wage war. You do not possess because you do not ask. You ask but do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

Verse before the Gospel: 2 Thesalonians 2:14

Alleluia, Alleluia

"God has called us through the Gospel to possess the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Alleluia, Alleluia

Gospel: Mark 9:30-37

Jesus and his disciples left from there and began a journey through Galilee, but he did not wish anyone to know about it. He was teaching his disciples and telling them, “The Son of Man is to be handed over to men and they will kill him, and three days after his death the Son of Man will rise.” But they did not understand the saying, and they were afraid to question him.

They came to Capernaum and, once inside the house, he began to ask them, “What were you arguing about on the way?”  But they remained silent. They had been discussing among themselves on the way who was the greatest. Then he sat down, called the Twelve, and said to them, “If anyone wishes to be first, he shall be the last of all and the servant of all.” Taking a child, he placed it in their midst, and putting his arms around it, he said to them,

“Whoever receives one child such as this in my name, receives me; and whoever receives me, receives not me but the One who sent me.”

**Meditation:

Whose glory do you seek? There can be no share in God's glory without the cross. When Jesus prophesied his own betrayal and crucifixion, it did not make any sense to his disciples because it did not fit their understanding of what the Messiah came to do. And they were afraid to ask further questions! Like a person who might receive a bad verdict from the doctor and then refuse to ask further questions, they, too, didn't want to know any more. How often do we reject what we do not wish to see? We have heard the good news of God's word and we know the consequences of accepting it or rejecting it. But do we give it our full allegiance and mold our lives according to it? Ask the Lord to fill you with his Holy Spirit and to inspire within you a reverence for his word and a readiness to obey it.

Do you compare yourself with others? How ashamed the disciples must have been when Jesus overheard them arguing about who among them was the greatest! But aren't we like the disciples? We compare ourselves with others and desire their praise. The appetite for glory and greatness seems to be inbred in us. Who doesn't cherish the ambition to be "somebody" whom others admire rather than a "nobody"? Even the psalms speak about the glory God has destined for us. You have made them a little lower than God, and crowned them with glory and honor (Psalm 8:5).

Jesus made a dramatic gesture by embracing a child to show his disciples who really is the greatest in the kingdom of God. What can a little child possibly teach us about greatness? Children in the ancient world had no rights, position, or privileges of their own. They were socially at the "bottom of the rung" and at the service of their parents, much like the household staff and domestic servants.

Who is the greatest in God's kingdom? What is the significance of Jesus' gesture? Jesus elevated a little child in the presence of his disciples by placing the child in a privileged position of honor. It is customary, even today, to seat the guest of honor at the right side of the host. Who is the greatest in God's kingdom? The one who is humble and lowly of heart - who instead of asserting their rights willingly empty themselves of pride and self-seeking glory by taking the lowly position of a servant or child.

Jesus, himself, is our model. He came not to be served, but to serve (Matthew 20:28). Paul the Apostle states that Jesus emptied himself and took the form of a servant (Philippians 2:7). Jesus lowered himself (he whose place is at the right hand of God the Father) and took on our lowly nature that he might raise us up and clothe us in his divine nature.

God wants to fill us with his own glory God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble (James 4:6). If we want to be filled with God's life and power, then we need to empty ourselves of everything which stands in the way - pride, self-seeking glory, vanity, etc. God wants empty vessels so he can fill them with his own glory, power, and love (2 Corinthians 4:7). Are you ready to humble yourself and to serve as Jesus did?Lord Jesus, by your cross you have redeemed the world and revealed your glory and triumph over sin and death. May I never fail to see your glory and victory in the cross. Help me to conform my life to your will and to follow in your way of holiness.

Sources:

LECTIONARY FOR MASS FOR USE IN THE DIOCESES OF THE UNITED STATES, SECOND TYPICAL EDITION, COPYRIGHT © 2001, 1998, 1997, 1986, 1970 CONFRATERNITY OF CHRISTIAN DOCTRINE; PSALM REFRAIN © 1968, 1981, 1997, INTERNATIONAL COMMITTEE ON ENGLISH IN THE LITURGY, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. NEITHER THIS WORK NOR ANY PART OF IT MAY BE REPRODUCED, DISTRIBUTED, PERFORMED OR DISPLAYED IN ANY MEDIUM, INCLUDING ELECTRONIC OR DIGITAL, WITHOUT PERMISSION IN WRITING FROM THE COPYRIGHT OWNER.

**Meditations may be freely reprinted and translated into other languages for non-profit use only. Please cite copyright and original source. Copyright 2021 Daily Scripture Readings and Meditation, dailyscripture.net author Don Schwager

[dizexplainstheuniverse]

Sex, love and worthiness.

What’s the difference?

For a long time, I wasn’t sure there was any.

My conditioning taught me: Love = conditional. Sex = love.

But society also teaches us: Sex = worthiness, status, wealth and power.

So basically, my self-worth = sex.

I have internalised that if I’m not having sex with a person, then I don’t deserve love. I don’t deserve nice things, care, affection or protection.

I spent most of my life believing that simply because of who I am, the body I was born into, and the personality I have, it will be very difficult to find a person whose love I am worthy of, and if I’m not having sex with them, then I most certainly don’t deserve their trust or security...

Sex is a tool we use in our society to validate the world and each other.

“Sex sells.”

Sex and desire have become patriarchal and capitalist systems of oppression; it’s become the way we learn to value ourselves. 

Who’s hottest? 

Who’s getting laid? 

Who wants sex with who? 

Even the word ‘fuck’ is used as an expression of how good or bad something is!

“Totally fucked…”

“Fucking incredible!”

Why is sex on a pedestal?

I know cognitively that sex does not equal worthiness, and yet deep in my body was the only narrative that exists. My desire for sex and my desire for love have been scrambled and messy for as long as I can remember.

Society has taught me that if I care deeply about someone, if I feel deep compassion, love, generosity, joy and encouragement towards a person – then surely I should also want to have sex with them? And if I’m not having sex with them, do I still get to enjoy the benefits of a secure and healthy relationship with them?

Mononormative, heteronormative, patriarchal, capitalist society says no.

What if I’m not having sex with the person I care deeply about, but having sex with other people I have less emotional intimacy with?

What if I’m only turned on by unavailability, power dynamics, control, arrogance, wealth, dismissal, competition and approval?

Is it ok that my love and my lust are entirely different and seemingly disconnected?

What do I do about the guilt or shame I feel for not ‘giving myself’ to the person I care deeply about and yet I so freely ‘give my body’ to others?

In this narrative, my body and my sexuality is a commodity, and I’m using it only to get what I need, not what I want or what actually feels good.

I have internalised my sense of self-worth based on my sex appeal...

How sexy am I?

Am I attractive enough? 

Can I make a cock hard?

Society tells me I need to be sexy in order to be worthy, but at the same time, as a female-bodied human, I am objectified and oppressed through the sexual desires of the patriarchy.

I have to be sexy in order to be seen, but if I’m sexy then my power is instantly taken from me. I’m either invisible or just an object of desire.

I feel guilt if I assert my sexuality in a way that turns on a man that I do not want to have sex with. There’s a deeply ingrained narrative that if I have turned him on, I must now do something about it, it’s my fault that he is aroused.

As a woman, my only purpose is to satisfy the male sexuality, the male gaze, the male desire.

My desire and my pleasure is not important – we are taught this in school during sex education (who else learned about male ejaculation but never about the female orgasm??) and we are raised by a culture that exploits and objectifies female sexuality (erm, hello, every single advert I’ve ever seen…).

We learn that any expression of our female sexuality is not for us, it is for men.

Not only is the autonomy of women and female desire taken away here, but also the autonomy of men – he is no longer responsible for satisfying his own desire and sexuality.

He is ‘powerless’ to expressions the hypnotic and tempting female sexuality...

“Boys will be boys.”

This also feeds into the fear around expressing my sexuality and not ‘following it through’ because the man will then feel frustrated – since he is an animal – he is uncontrollable in the face of my feminine charm.

This is where threat of sexual violence comes in, not only for myself – but for all of my sisters.

Even in the case where sexual violence isn’t necessarily a threat, but it’s still difficult or impossible for a woman to keep herself safe from the unwanted sexual advances of a man in the unfortunately very common experience of a woman who hasn’t yet found her voice to say no...

To assert her boundaries...

To even know that she has boundaries...

That she’s allowed boundaries...

To know what her boundaries are...

To trust that her boundaries will be respected if she expresses them...

To even know what she desires when it’s not based entirely on whether or not she is being desired by him…

What does it mean to reclaim our female sexuality?

Our femininity?

Our power?

What does this even look like?

What’s the alternative narrative?

What do I do with the fear, guilt and shame when asserting what is sexy for me, for my pleasure only, and for no other purpose?

How can a woman be sexy without losing her power?

How can she assert her sexuality and own her desire without the threat of having it ripped away from her?

Well...

First, she comes to terms with the truth that she is not fickle, a tease, or playing hard to get.

She learns to feel her fear...

Her pain...

Her oppression...

Her anger...

Then she learns that she is loved...

That she is worthy...

That she belongs...

That she is divine...

She learns to feel safe in her body.

Once she has let go of all that no longer serves her, and she has called in and embodies her sensual and sacred essence, she can finally begin to ask herself what feels good?

She will listen to her pussy.

What pussy wants, pussy gets! (with consent of course!)

She has boundaries and power.

She has freedom and pleasure.

She has a firm no and fucking enthusiastic yes!

I don’t know yet exactly what this feels or looks like – I’m working on it.

What do know is that I need to be sure I’m having sex (with myself or with others) because it feels good – that it’s for pleasure, and not for validation.

Right now, it’s complicated because I get a lot of validation from pleasure – I feel good about myself when I know I’m giving pleasure because it makes me feel like I’m ‘better’ at it than others… It’s competitive and again it’s a part of the patriarchal narrative I’m trying hard to let go of.

How do I shift from giving and receiving pleasure to prove my worthiness, to giving and receiving pleasure for pleasures sake?

I know that I have deep love, deep compassion, deep care and deep joy for myself, but what I do not seem to have is deep lust and attraction for myself – and perhaps this is part of the reason why I still crave sexual validation?

In a society that deems it as taboo to fancy yourself, to be turned on by yourself, that shames us for being ‘vain’ or ‘self-indulgent’, it’s no wonder I’m finding this difficult...

I’ve been on a beautiful journey of learning to love myself deeply, unconditionally and ecstatically.

Now it’s time to learn how to fuck myself, well and truly.

Can I fall deeply in lust with myself? Can I have hot AF sex with myself? Can I fulfil my own sexual desires and needs?

I’ll keep you posted…

Instagram: @dizexplainstheuniverse | Facebook: /dizexplainstheuniverse

[kingdomofthelogos]

Home Run Revival

Read Nehemiah 7

God’s city is large and spacious, but it is not easily achieved. The great liberties and beauties come at a very high cost, and we must appreciate that revival is a beautiful thing. Revival is the only way to truly repair and restore a nation. God’s perfect love chooses to redeem and revive, rather than to kill. We are in an era that embraces despair over liberty, but the Gospel of Christ Jesus shows us liberating meaning through perseverance. Revival is the only path forward for our nation. Revival starts with you and your walk with God, do not forget it.

It would be tragic to finish the great task of restoring the walls without experiencing revival of the laws and festivals. To overcome such an unimaginable problem and then let it all be robbed of lasting meaning would be shameful. It would like a batter hitting a ball out of the park but never bothering to take a single step towards completing the home run. The encumbrance has been endured, and now all one must do is joyfully walk in their God, and what a great joy it is indeed! Nehemiah’s revival hits home run once the Law is read and the festivals begin.

Jerusalem needed revival, just as does our nation right now. We need men and women who are distinct in their love for God and His teaching to have a strong voice as leaders in our nation, not people taking a back seat to those who want destruction and a society of despair. 

Sanballat and Tobiah did not want Nehemiah’s revival to pull off a home run for himself and his fellow brothers and sisters. They hated the very idea that righteous sacrifice might once again be taken seriously in the world. In our day and age we find ourselves also up against such whole hearted evil that despises the idea that the eternal light of the Gospel of Christ Jesus will once again be liberating people through the sacrifice of Christ.

We need to be stepping up to bat for home run revival, revival that seeks excellence and nobility just as our God is excellent and almighty. Do not be fooled into waiting for anyone to come before you, our society is too far gone to rely on our institutions. Yet, do not be discouraged for everyone born of God conquers the world, just as John reminds us in 1 John 5:4.

The victory has been won for us, the ball has been hit out of the park, but we must start moving and working. Now is the time when our nation needs revival greatly. We are not up against half hearted evil, which maintains some easily identifiable appearance. We are up against whole hearted evil, which bears a striking resemblance to innocence for those who do not have eyes and ears shaped by God. Whole hearted evil does not bother to debate truth, but instead it ignores it. This is where we are, in an age where forces in our culture ignore truth to the point of destruction.

We should be encouraged by the fact that so many of the old objections to Christian living have been confirmed as disingenuous arguments. For years, those who endorsed abortion said they did so out of respect for a women's choice, but now, the Corona has exposed this as a lie, for personal choice is publicly hated. People are not allowed to make personal choices of health, or even visit their loved ones sick in the hospital. Our ancestors would look at our generation in shame for allowing fear of a virus to force people to die alone in hospitals. Those who rejected God under the notion that His existence is unproven and irrational, have shown us that they themselves hate reason and logic. They cannot be debated or negotiated with, for their desire was never an honest pursuit of reason. Instead, it was a misguided embracing of amorality, which then led to immorality, and finally idolatry. Those who disingenuously accused the church of being judgmental and intolerant have shown just how intolerant they are, and how much they want to shake their fist at both God and the concept of absolute truth. All of the false objections to God have been exposed as the frauds they are, and all we have to do is shine the light. Christianity is not a race to the bottom, but a walk towards Heaven. 

How beautiful it is to see revival strike the people of God in a manner that has not been seen for generations. The forces of whole hearted evil want God's people to think that revival is not possible, that the task is too great. Yet. The victory belongs to God, we simply have to step into a worldview that says "I believe, help my unbelief." We have to wake with a set of eyes like those of Abraham and Jochebed, who were fully willing to trust the care of their children not to their own power but to the full and mysterious power of God. We must embrace the true Way of Life, understanding what it means to live in a kingdom of resurrection, where the very powers of life and death have been redefined. 

For too long we have been trapped under the boot of two miserable happenings. First, our leaders have been more concerned with attending the likes of Sanballat and Tobiah than focusing on the voice of God. Second, too many within the church have been reluctant to start running toward home plate once when we have an opportune moment;�� for we have relied on others to do the work for us while being in disbelief of our nation's decay. The victory is ours, the path home is already open. We do not have to wait on leaders to start running the race of revival, for waiting in this manner only keeps you marinating for hungry mouths of hell. 

The most effective method of revival given to us by scripture is not one of top down policy, where heads of state write laws that change the hearts and minds of people. This is a false expectation of revival. Instead, Scripture shows us that revival breaks out when men and women individually accept the power of God into their lives, being personally transformed in their heart and soul. From a small number of righteous men and women, perhaps even from one as was the case with Nehemiah, a fiery vision of truth spreads and consumes an entire people.

This is a pathway for revival that has real meaning. So many in our world have been taught to value hollow things, rather than the true virtues of God. Our world is hungry for an alternative, and many in our nation do not know what the Gospel of Christ Jesus truly is, for they have been trained how to see it by those who hate it. Nonetheless people can see that something is wrong with our world, sensing that there is a great spiritual battle at hand.

Today, let us contrast liberty and desperation. With liberty comes responsibility and risk, it is a challenge on one’s soul to overcome the great trials of this life. Liberty is neither easily purchased nor easily maintained. Liberty from sin and death came at a very high cost, although we may receive it on our end without having to pay this debt. Liberty from tyranny, too, comes at a cost, and it is a spiritual affair that requires us to be willing to live out the biblical principles in such a way that maintains order. 

Despair exists in opposition to liberty. With despair comes the sin of covetousness, the unsatisfiable desire for things that do not belong to oneself. Despair likes to teach people that nobility is not possible, that in order to survive on this earth one must surrender to worldly forces and permit them to be the means of salvation. Despair is a predatory thing, desiring people to be empty of courage so that they will surrender to the forces of unreason and slavery to worldly powers.

Liberty is noble, and all of our modern notions of liberty originate from the New Testament logic of being born again. The very idea that an individual should have worth as an individual, freely being able to navigate life in service to God, should they desire it, comes from the New Testament. The idea that every individual has a voice that is worth listening to, every child has a mind worth educating, and even the very notion that the least in society should be cared for are all products of The Way of Life, the Christian faith, and they were not found naturally on this earth or independently of Christian thinking. 

We must show people all that is true and absolutely true, for the spirit possessing our culture hates objective truth but Christianity is built on objective truth. For the Word of God, the logos, the logic of creation, is Christ Jesus Himself. We must show people honor and nobility, which is a concept altogether different from our desperate mentality of safety first. We must point to real justice, which is a beautiful gift of God and fundamentally opposed to notions of collective justice which wickedly judge people as groups. We must show people purity, which is so much more organized than the destructive chaos of our world. We must show people beauty and things that are lovely, for everything from music to the beauties of humanity is a product of God; the spirit possessing our age hates beauty, and takes joy in celebrating the ugliness it wreaks on people. We must teach of goodness, which is neither naturally found nor a random occurrence. We must teach all of the true virtues of God, that we may live out lives worthy of reflecting our Maker. 

Christianity is built on salvation and healing, in both the spiritual and bodily sense. Christ is quite clear in showing us that His ministry and presence demands a complete renewal of one’s being, a total rebirth. Our faith has given us a commandment to forgive one another, and in John 20:23 Jesus says “If you forgive anyone’s sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” This is both a commandment and a logical observation. If you forgive sins, with the true power of God, they are forgiven. However, if you retain sins, they are retained along with all of their baggage.

We have many in our day and age who love to retain the sins of the past so they can sell despair to those who suffer in life. But this is wicked, for it fails to acknowledge the encompassing truth that suffering is inherent to life in fallen creation. The Jewish Psychologist Victor Frankl made the observation while he was imprisoned by the Nazis in a concentration camp that all suffering is like a gas, filling the volume of its container. Regardless of what one experiences, suffering always seems to be at its worst for those living it out. The antidote is not to eradicate suffering, for that is both impossible by our power and also a pathway for great evil, for great evils have been created every time people attempt to make a utopia on earth. The antidote to suffering is to find meaning, and the ultimate meaning comes with the liberating salvation of God. God knew that the only way to eradicate suffering was to uncreate the world, to kill it like a wounded beast. But the perfect love of God saw that it was far nobler to redeem and revive than to kill. 

There is liberty in Nehemiah's revival. The people know who they are and why they exist. The people of Nehemiah's time discovered meaning in life that had been missing for generations. Have we seen where our world is today? People have very little idea who they are and why they exist; yet, the Gospel of Christ Jesus gives meaning.

Do not be discouraged, for it is always possible to live for God. The world desires you to be wrought in despair, but let us spend our energy focusing on the noble freedom found in God’s Kingdom. People are hungry for an alternative, and it is our Christian duty to shine the light.

[caesar-cornelius-blog]

The Black Veil:

1. DISCRETION

This lifestyle is private and sacred. Respect it as such. Do not make a sideshow of yourself. We do not have to prove ourselves to anyone. Appearing on public TV to tell the world that you drink blood is useless attention-getting. It gets a negative reaction for the whole community. Our place is in the shadows; our greatest protection from small-minded humanity is the fact that they do not believe we exist. Someday they may be ready for us to reveal ourselves to them, but that time is not now.

Do not hide from your nature, but never show it off to those who won’t understand.

2. DIVERSITY

Our paths are many, even though the journey we are on is essentially the same. No single one of us has all the answers to who and what we are. Respect everyone’s personal views and practices. We cannot let petty differences of ideology prevent us from maintaining a unified community; there are enough who would attack us from the outside.

Our diversity is our strength. Let our differences in viewpoint enrich us but never divide us amongst ourselves.

3. SAFETY

Use sense when indulging your nature. Do not flaunt what you are in public places. Feed in private and make certain your donors will be discrete about what happens between you. Donors who create rumors and gossip about us are more harm than they’re worth. If you engage in blood-letting, put safety and caution above all other things. Blood-born diseases are a very real thing, and we cannot risk endangering ourselves or others through irresponsibility. Screen donors carefully, making certain they are in good health both mentally and physically.

Never overindulge or get careless. The safety of the entire community rests upon each member’s caution.

4. CONTROL

We cannot and should not deny the darkness within. Yet we should not allow it to control us. If our beast or shadow or darkside is given too much sway, it clouds our judgement, making us a danger even to those we love. Never indulge in pointless violence. Never bring willful harm to those who sustain you. Never feed only for the sake of feeding, and never give over to mindless bloodlust.

We are not monsters: we are capable of rational thought and self-control. Celebrate the darkness and let it empower you, but never let it enslave your will.

5. LIFESTYLE

Live your life as an example to others in the community. We are privileged to be what we are, but power should be accompanied by responsibility and dignity. Explore and make use of your vampire nature, but keep it in balance with material demands. Remember: we may be vampires, but we are still a part of this world. We must live lives like everyone else here: holding jobs, keeping homes, and getting along with our neighbors.

Being what we are is not an excuse to not participate in this reality. Rather, it is an obligation to make it a better place for us to be.

6. FAMILY

We are, all of us, a family, and like all families, various members will not always get along. However, respect the greater community when having your disputes. Do not let your individual problems bring emotional strife to the family as a whole. Settle your differences quietly among one another, only seeking out an elder’s aid in mediation when no other solution seems possible. Never bring your private disputes into public places and never draw other family members into the issue by forcing them to take sides.

Like any normal family, we should always make an effort to present a stable and unified face to the rest of the world even when things are not perfect between us.

7. HAVENS

Our havens are safeplaces where everyone in the community can come to socialize. There are also often public places where we are likely to encounter people who don’t understand our ways. We should respect the patrons of these places as we should also respect the owners of the establishments and always be discrete in our behavior. We should never bring private disputes into a haven. We should never initiate violence in a haven. And we should never do or bring anything illegal into a haven, as this reflects badly upon the community as a whole.

The haven is the hub of the whole community, and we should respect it as such, supporting it without business and working to improve its name in the community so that we can always call it home.

8. TERRITORY

The community is extensive and diverse. Every city has a different way of doing things, and a different hierarchy of rule. When entering a new city, you should familiarize yourself with the local community. Seek out the local havens. Learn what households have sway here. Get in touch with key members of the community, learn who is who, and show proper respect where it is due. You should not expect to impose your old way of doing things on this new community. Rather you should adapt to their rules and be glad of their acceptance.

Always be on your best behavior when coming to a new city either to visit or to stay. We are all cautious and territorial by nature, and only by making the most positive impression possible will you be accepted and respected in a new community.

9. RESPONSIBILITY

This lifestyle is not for everyone. Take care in who you choose to bring into it. Those who are mentally or emotionally unstable have no place among us. They are dangerous and unreliable and may betray us in the future. Make certain that those you choose to bring in are mature enough for this burden. Teach them control and discretion, and make certain that they respect our ways.

You will be responsible for their actions, and their behavior in the community will be reflected back to you.

10. ELDERS

There are certain members of our community who have established themselves as just and responsible leaders. These are the people who helped establish local communities, who organize havens, and who work to coordinate the networking of our culture. While their word does not have to be law, they should nevertheless be respected. They have greater experience than many others, and usually greater wisdom. Seek these elders out to settle your disputes, to give you guidance and instruction, and to help you establish yourself in the local community.

Appreciate the elders for all they have given you: if it was not for their dedication, the community would not exist as it does now.

11. DONORS

Without those who offer themselves body and soul to us, we would be nothing. We cannot be other than what we are, but it is the donors who sustain our nature. For this service, they should be respected. Never mistreat your donors, physically or emotionally. They are not to be manipulated or leeched off of for more than what they freely offer. Never take them for granted. Appreciate them for the companionship and acceptance which they offer us, which so many others would refuse. This above all: appreciate the gift of their life. That communion is sacred. Never fail to treat it as such.

12. LEADERSHIP

When you choose to take a position of authority in the community, remember that you do not lead for yourself alone. Leadership is a responsibility, not a privilege. A good leader must set an example for everyone through his actions and behavior. His motives should be selfless and pure, and he should put the interests of the whole community before his own.

The best leaders are those who serve to better the community and whose person and behavior gives no one — even those outside of the community — a reason to criticize them. They must strive to be above reproach.

13. IDEALS

Being a vampire is not just about feeding upon life. That is what we do, but not necessarily what we are. It is our place to represent darkness in a world blinded by light. We are about being different and accepting that difference as something that empowers us and makes us unique. We are about accepting the dark within ourselves and embracing that darkness to make us whole beings. We are about celebrating the thresholds: body and spirit, pleasure and pain, death and life.

Our lives should be lived as a message to the world about the beauty of accepting the whole self, of living without guilt and without shame, and celebrating the unique and beautiful essence of every single soul.

[lulalilooloo-blog]

Reclaim Life

There are many decisions I've taken that were unpleasant to my family, yet I felt I was treading my own path in life. As I rose up to meet the challenges along the way, it became more obvious who was a part of my support network and who wasn't. Unfortunately, I was greatly disturbed by the role most of my family played. To my dismay, my mother as well as much of my family could not see me for who i truly was. Being the black sheep, I had to undergo great challenges to rise up and claim my life. I write this without posting it at first because I still face the challenge of focusing and believing in myself enough to get a blog going. And the nagging question is always, who do i write for? Is it for an audience or is it for myself? There have always been platforms in which I could express myself, yet i always chose to remain hidden. Was i running? What from? What triggers us to run from ourselves to begin with? In my case, my childhood trauma had led me to believe I could be nothing more than what my parents dictated. However, I never considered myself weak until I realized that I was sacrificing myself for the sake of the family. Yet in all it's shame, as i feel it, it was glorious. For i gave years of my life to try to help them overcome their own fears. Now it has accumalated to the point where I must distance myself in order to reclaim who i am. I have always recognized a light in me, a light in my existence, and now i face the challenge of looking upon myself and realizing that it was somewhat in vain, for as i tried to influence my family to rise up, I sunk. It is hard to accept that we are not in control. We cannot choose the path for others. They can only do it themselves, and no amount of love and sacrafice can change that. So now, i write freely, regardless if my mother would understand me, it is time I rise up. So here i am still wondering, is this post for me or for others? I write for myself yet my inherent wish has always been that I helps others in similar situation, and it is this reason that brings me courage to post this online, whatever platform it may find life in. I write for myself and for others, for there is no distinction between you and I. It is but illusion that we are separate. And knowing this, I know that whatever I may do in my life is inherently connected to my mother and family. I wish only to be accepted, as we all do, but it is my inacceptance of myself that has led me down dark corridors. I choose today and every day I am blessed with waking up to begin setting a new path. One that will find light in me and in others, for I am no disconnected from the world, nor are you. So whomever may feel all alone on their path, and may be a sensitive soul as it seems I am, we may choose to carry the burderns of others on our shoulders, but it is not our responsibility to carry others, and ultimately, it will bring us pain, to feel as a victim of our own hands. Yet it is our glory,  this compassion and willingness to sacrific of ourselves to help others, but it shall be known, shall indeed, that we are not required to carry for others, even if we were brought up (as I was) to believe we must carry for our families. This is utter nonsense, to say the least. So may we rise together independently in order to help heal the pains of those closest to us. In taking care of our own lives, we ultimately help those closest to us, even if they were never to understand or see how, it is important to remember that we give ou of our hearts, and the World responds, and that is all we truly need, faith in ourselves.

[dfroza]

A message of spiritual and honest truth

shared in a post by John Parsons

Friends, let us ask the LORD to give us hearts that are full of godly contentment, which is “of great gain” (1 Tim. 6:6). May we be walking in true spirituality (רוּחָנִיּוּת) - in the power of the Holy Spirit (רוּחַ הַקּדֶש) - by practicing emotional honesty with ourselves and with God (James 5:16). Trials and tribulations - the "squeezing of grapes" - are part of the walk of faith, but we are invited to come "boldly" before the Throne of Grace (παρρησίας τῷ θρόνῳ τῆς χάριτος) to find help for our lives (Heb. 4:16). Note that the word translated "boldly" in this verse (παρρησίας) means that we can speak honestly and freely to God from the center of the chaos of our hearts -- without fear or shame. We don't need to conceal ourselves from the Divine Light, since this is the very Light that overcomes the hidden darkness within us. Those who trust that God is in complete control of their lives are set free from the terrible burdens of fear and anger. Abiding in the truth of ahavah shlemah (אַהֲבָה שְׁלֵמָה, God's "perfect love") means that you can let go... [Hebrew for Christians]

6.28.19 • Facebook

and another message of hope read in an email on Saturday:

Your heart is made for the kingdom of God. This might be the most important thing anyone will ever tell you about yourself: your heart only thrives in one habitat, and that safe place is called the kingdom of God. — John Eldredge, from All Things New

Grabbing the Lifeline of Hope

by John Eldredge, an exclusive excerpt from All Things New

We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It’s an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God… — Hebrews 6:18-19 The Message

I am haunted by this passage. The promised hope. A spiritual lifeline. Take hold.

I know I need hope; I understand that Scripture calls it one of the three great forces of human existence (1 Corinthians 13:13). But I don’t really give it much intentional thought; I don’t spend time each day taking hold of it with both hands.

Do you?

I think we have fallen into the idea that hope just sort of “happens” to us. We hear good news — that we are getting a promotion, that our child has done well in school, or that the MRI came back clear — and then we find ourselves hopeful. As if hope were merely a response to our circumstances. But when we treat hope so casually, when we wait for it to “happen” to us, we find ourselves on an emotional roller coaster of hope and despair, hope and despair — for our circumstances change as often as a politician’s platform.

Hebrews says that the hope we are meant to take hold of is “an anchor of the soul“ (Hebrews 6:19 NIV). An anchor — not a roller coaster. So hope must be something more solid than what news happens to come our way each day.

But what is this hope we are supposed to grasp? That’s where I think most people find themselves between a rock and a hard place. We understand at some level that God’s great “promise” to us is of course Heaven, eternal life. But we don’t really have imaginations filled with stunning images of Heaven. Far from it. We hardly ever think of it, and when we do, we conceive of very religious things like eternal worship or standing in the presence of God forever. And I will let you in on a little secret – hope only rises when we anticipate things we actually long for. As C.S. Lewis wrote, “We can only hope for what we desire.”

If someone promises you a year cleaning apartments, it would not fill you with hope. If they promised you a year in Hawaii, or Tuscany, or some beautiful place, you would leap for joy. You’d be so filled with hope. Because you would be anticipating something that was real, and concrete, and spoke to your deepest desires.

You cannot hope for what is vague, and far off; you cannot hope for something you can’t even conceive of.

Enter Jesus, who came to rescue us from all sorts of religious mistakes and show us — in utterly tangible and concrete ways — exactly what God has promised us.

First, take the incarnation: God Himself comes to us in the flesh. He speaks to us, walks with us, eats with us — so that there can be no mistaking what He is like. No more vague images of God-in-the-clouds.

If you want to know what God is like, look at Jesus of Nazareth.

Here you can see how concrete He wanted to make things. How utterly real.

Including our hopes. Especially our hopes.

Hebrews says what we are urged to grasp is “the promised hope” (Hebrews 6:19). According to Jesus, what exactly is this promised hope?

In the re-creation of the world, when the Son of Man will rule gloriously, you who have followed me will also rule, starting with the twelve tribes of Israel. And not only you, but anyone who sacrifices home, family, fields — whatever — because of Me will get it all back a hundred times over, not to mention the considerable bonus of eternal life. — Matthew 19:28-29 The Message

This passage has so much power we must take it piece by piece so that we grasp what our Lord is offering.

First, Jesus calls our future “the re-creation of the world,” “the renewal of all things” (NIV). Did you know that God promised to renew all things? That He promises to restore even the world itself? Most Christians I have spoken to thought that God was going to destroy the world and we all go to some new place in the sky (“Heaven”). Not so. Listen to this passage from the book of Acts:

For [Jesus] must remain in Heaven until the time for the final restoration of all things, as God promised long ago through his holy prophets. — Acts 3:19 NLT

The restoration of all things. An echo of the words of Jesus in Matthew 19, “the renewal of all things.” Which is of course repeated yet again in Revelation chapter 21:

And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” — Revelation 21:15 NLT

You need to stop and ask yourself, “Do I imagine my future as the restoration of my own life, and everything I love?” This is the promise of God. Think of it, allow it to be true. “My future is the restoration of my life and everything I love.”

Let’s keep trying to make this tangible and real. Let’s come back to Matthew 19 and second, notice that when Jesus speaks of the renewal of all things, He then connects it to very concrete, personal and precious things like “home, family, fields.” He does not speak of Heaven; He speaks to His followers about their real and tangible losses — relationships, loved ones, even places that matter (homes) and careers (fields). No vague promises of the sweet by-and-by here; Jesus is using very solid and familiar examples.

Your life, and everything you love will be restored.

If we simply hold up a great coming Restoration of very real and tangible things, we can go back into the Gospels and see just how often Jesus tries to illustrate this: the blind receive their eyesight back, the deaf are able to hear once again, the crippled are now walking, running, leaping. Do you see it? The miracles of Jesus are demonstrations of God’s ability and intention for restoration.

And then we have Easter. Jesus Himself is raised from death, but notice — He is still Jesus. The same Jesus they knew and loved. He even has the scars still in His hands. Jesus’ resurrection life is the greatest example of the coming restoration we could ask for, and what we see is that He is restored. So shall we be. So shall the world itself. As N.T. Wright has said, the early Christians “believed that God was going to do for the whole cosmos what he had done for Jesus at Easter.” (Surprised by Hope)

So what is the promised hope? The restoration of your life and everything you love, everything you have lost, everything you will eventually have to say goodbye to.

Who has made this promise? God Himself.

What are we supposed to do? We are urged to take hold of it, to grab the hope of the Great Restoration with both hands and never let go.

Then it will become for us the anchor of our soul; then it will become to us an unbreakable spiritual lifeline reaching right into the presence of God.

***

Your Turn

Throughout your life, what have you thought Heaven would be like? How does what Scripture says about eternity change that view? Come share with us on our blog. We want to hear from you!

All Things New is a revolutionary book about our future is based on the simple idea that, according to the Bible, heaven is not our eternal home--the New Earth is. As Jesus says in the gospel of Matthew, the next chapter of our story begins with "the renewal of all things," by which he means the earth we love in all its beauty, our own selves, and the things that make for a rich life: music, art, food, laughter and all that we hold dear. Everything shall be renewed "when the world is made new."

Hope begins when we understand that for the believer nothing is lost. Heaven is not a life in the clouds; it is not endless harp-strumming or worship-singing. Rather, the life we long for, the paradise Adam and Eve knew, is precisely the life that is coming to us. And that life is coming soon.

[queertheology]

When and How to Have Sex

Celibacy The First Time.

I was taught one thing about sex: don’t have it until you’re married. That’s it. That was the entirety of my sexual education. I wasn’t taught about intimacy or consent or safer sex. I wasn’t even taught about the mechanics of it. It was assumed that since sex was natural once you got married you’d just figure it out. In fact, that was pretty much promised: if you waited until you got married to have sex you would have a wonderful and fulfilling sex life. 

But only if you were heterosexual.

Ah yes. Queer and transgender people weren’t supposed to exist. And when they did exist they were supposed to either cease existing or, barring that, remain celibate forever.

I grew up with all of these messages that basically said sex was either super dirty and wrong or a holy mystical union between a man and his wife. And I felt on the outside of both conversations.

As I was coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t straight (I had no language for gender identity at this point) I wasn’t all that interested in sex. Probably because I didn’t know anything about it. What I was interested in was intimacy. I wanted to be close to another person. I wanted to hold and be held. I wanted to kiss someone. I wanted to not feel so damn alone. I was also determined to still be a good evangelical Christian. I promised myself (and anyone who would listen) that I was going to be celibate forever. I thought that was the only way to honor God.

The truth? It was the only way to make my conservative Christian church (and family) happy. 

I held firm in my commitment to celibacy…until I fell in love. Those who ask us to remain celibate forever ask us to deny ourselves of companionship and closeness. I do believe there are people who are called to celibacy (either for a certain time or for a lifetime) but it is not all queer people; that belief is toxic and needs to go.

No Sex Until Marriage.

I didn’t mean to fall in love it just did. I wrestled with my faith again and decided that I would simply wait to have sex until I was married. Sure, the church wouldn’t recognize my marriage, but so what. I would still be honoring what I thought was right.

Now here’s where it gets really complicated. I was with someone I was really attracted to. I wanted to have sex. But I didn’t think I could have sex until I was married. So we rushed into marriage. From the time we met to the time we got married it was only about a year.

Looking back I cringe because we were clearly not ready to get married. Neither of us were financially secure. We still were getting to know one another. There were all sorts of red flags that I ignored and so much of it is because of sex.

We were attracted to one another, definitely. But ready for a lifetime commitment? No.

We waited until we got engaged and then we had sex. And it was okay. Not great. It wasn’t the life changing thing I had been promised. Now, some people will say that’s because we were queer. Or not married yet.

I think it’s because no one had told me a damn thing about how to have sex.

Look, sex is natural. And it’s also a skill that needs to be learned. You need to know your body. You need to learn your partner’s body. You need to learn how to communicate in the heat of the moment. That doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t happen instantly even if you’ve had sex a million times before or if this is your first time. There are new things to learn.

And now that we were having sex I also felt like we couldn’t break up. I had given my virginity away! No one else would ever want me! We had to stay together forever! Sounds bonkers, right? Except that’s what the evangelical church tells people. If you have sex you are basically ruined. So don’t have it. And if you do…well….

So now I’m married and sex is still complicated and crowded with guilt. I can’t talk to anyone about it because my Christian friends still think I am living in sin and my queer friends don’t really understand my hang ups. Plus, I’ve never talked about sex so I don’t really know how to do it. It makes me uncomfortable, as if I am talking about something dirty or wrong. 

I don’t feel dirty or wrong when I’m having sex. I don’t feel like I am doing anything wrong. But still these weird feelings about what one can and cannot talk about linger. And so I don’t have anyone to talk to to see if what I am experiencing is normal or good. I don’t have anyone to learn from. It just feels complicated and hard. 

And honestly? I feel a little cheated. I was promised that if I waited sex would be mind blowing all the time and every time from the jump. And it’s not. So what, exactly had I been waiting for? 

Then I start to wonder if I had really been ready to get married. If sex had been off the table would we still have chosen to get married? Maybe if we had just had sex we would have dated longer or moved in together first and waited to see if we were actually compatible.

And then I transitioned to male. Now we add gender into an already swirling mix of life and sex and religion and the center could not hold. We tried. We went to counseling. I tried to be less of who I was, but even that was too much for her. She told me she was no longer attracted to me as I laid shirtless in our bed, bearing the scars of my relatively recent chest surgery. My first thought? Shame about my body. I asked her to hand me a shirt. I covered myself up.

We went our separate ways and it felt like every doomsday prophecy ever spoken over my life had come to pass. Queer people couldn’t find lasting relationships. Transgender people had weird bodies that no one would ever really love. And once again I had no one to talk to.

I dipped a toe into the online dating world. I even went on one date. The whole thing just felt exhausting. I either had to not put that I was transgender in my profile and then worry about coming out or rejection or I could put it in my profile and spend all of my time explaining what being transgender meant. Through it all the voices of my ex rang in my head, “I’m not attracted to you anymore.” That voice danced with my own insecurities about my body; about who would want a body like mine.

Celibacy Revisited.

After spending way too much time scrolling through OK Cupid, feeling distracted as I thought about dating, and still feeling weary over the break up of my marriage, I decided that I would be celibate again. This time it was different, though. I wasn’t choosing celibacy because I thought sex was wrong or because I thought it was required of me, I was choosing it because I wanted to focus on other things. By taking dating off of the table I was able to invest in my writing, starting QueerTheology.com, working toward ordination, and a host of other things. 

I chose celibacy for reasons that had very little to do with sex, but instead had to do with where I wanted to invest my energy. The years I spent celibate mostly healed me from the break up of my marriage. I was able to get really clear on who I was and what I wanted. I was able to figure out what the truth was about my personality. What things were actual flaws and what were damaging messages that were untrue? I finally had time to figure out my identity, to figure out what I wanted out of my life, to figure out what I liked and didn’t like. I was amazed to find how disconnected I had become from my own self. Celibacy gave me the time and space to reconnect.

Celibacy also taught me a lot about other people and my relationships with them. It taught me how to love people freely without expecting anything from them. I was able to enter into relationships without the awkwardness of trying to figure out what the other person was thinking about me. With dating and sex off the table I was simply able to get to know people, to invest in their lives, to come to the table freely and without striving.

I was able to be more generous with my time. I could show up for people at any hour of the day, do the late night airport run, stay up until three in the morning talking. I could field the middle of the night phone call.

I learned to not be anxious about being single. Even when I was the only single person in the room. Since I had chosen celibacy I could happily be the third or fifth wheel. It didn’t feel weird for me to go out to dinner or the movies with couples. I didn’t feel like something was missing from my life. I didn’t feel less than. I simply felt like me. My friends were simply my friends. I felt healthy and whole.

Some people didn’t understand my choice. They thought it was weird or I was doing it because I was afraid. They thought it was unnatural. They seemed to think that I was making the decision lightly or foolishly.

I always told people that I wasn’t closing myself off from a relationship forever. This wasn’t a vow that I had taken, nothing was required of me. But I didn’t like the person I became when I was desperate to be in a relationship. I didn’t like how online dating distracted me and took up my emotional bandwith. So I told people that I would consider dating again, but the person would have to pretty much fall into my lap. I wasn’t going to go looking. I said that, but honestly it was more for other people’s benefit than it was for my own. They needed to hear that I wasn’t closing myself off. And I wasn’t, but I didn’t think that anyone would come along. I was content. I was happy. I was settled.

Enter Actress. Stage Right.

A couple of years ago I started a theatre company called Uprising. We do plays that raise ethical questions and then partner with local organizations already working on those issues to channel the energy and empathy created by theatre into concrete change. It was the next step in my journey to figure out where to best use my gifts. I had always loved theatre and I was passionate about justice work. What would happen if we could combine the two? No one else was doing it and so we began. 

For our very first show I needed a woman who could play an incredibly difficult part. It was one of the hardest roles in the show and I knew I needed someone great. A woman came in to audition and she was fantastic. I cast her in the part. We were playing boyfriend and girlfriend, but we were strangers to one another. Throughout the rehearsal period we became friends and got to know one another. I came to appreciate the instincts she brought to the production. She knew her stuff. We went out for dinner and drinks with the rest of the cast, shared laughs at rehearsal, and that was about it.

It wasn’t until very late in the process, almost opening, that I realized I had a bit of a crush on her. Now, this wasn’t the first time I had had a crush in my years of celibacy. I had had crushes before. And what I had learned is that if you don’t give the crush energy, it goes away. I figured there was no way that the crush was reciprocal, so all I had to do was get through the production and then we would go our separate ways and my crush would fade and all would be well. I also didn’t want to mess anything up with her because she is very talented and I hoped she would work with the theatre company again.

After the show opened we had several days off before the next weekend’s performances. It was the first time in ages that we had had time off. It felt weird. She invited me to come over to her place and watch a movie. I wondered if maybe this crush was reciprocal. And if so, what then?

At this point I still didn’t know if she knew that I was transgender. I hadn’t talked about it during the run of the show because it didn’t come up. But I also knew that if this crush was going somewhere she needed to know. We watched the movie and then talked. Sometime during the evening I blurted out, “you know I’m transgender right?” She nodded yes and I went on with my story. I breathed a sigh of relief that now it was out. 

But I still didn’t know how she felt. And we still had another weekend of shows. On closing night I gave her a note that I hoped was vague enough to not freak her out but clear enough to show that a door was open for me to exploring where this could go. 

We started hanging out. She asked if she could kiss me. We started seeing each other, though neither of us were quite ready to call it dating. But we liked being with one another. We were attracted to each other. We liked kissing each other.

And then suddenly I was back in the throes of evangelical angst around sex. 

Where the hell did that come from?

I hadn’t been in the evangelical church for over 12 years at this point. I no longer believed that sex is only between a man and a woman in marriage. I no longer believed that pre-marital sex was wrong. But here I was feeling anxious about sex. When was too soon? Did we need to be officially in a relationship? Did we need to be able to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend? Should we say “I love you” first? How did I know what was right?

Then there were the other fears: What if she doesn’t like my body? What if she’s freaked out by the fact that I’m transgender? What if she doesn’t know to be freaked out, but then she’ll be freaked out when we’re undressing and then I’ll get super hurt and everything will suck?

And how much of anxiety over when to have sex was actually related to my anxiety that she would reject me?

Could this be any more complicated?

I kept thinking back to my marriage, to the situation that got me into my marriage. The fact that having this timeline in my head of how things were “supposed to be” made me rush things I wasn’t ready for. I didn’t want to make that mistake again. I also didn’t want to be casual or careless with sex.

Finally, though, I had someone to talk to. Brian and I were able to talk a lot about sex and what it means to be both of us. He was able to challenge some of the assumptions I was making and ask if there wasn’t really something else going on. I was able to finally sort through and figure out what mattered for me when it came to sex. 

I was able to figure out my own sexual ethic.

Finally I was freed from everything being a zero sum game. I was freed from making decisions about my sexual life based on what other people thought I should do or told me I should do. I was able to extricate my sexuality from my evangelical moralistic upbringing. I was able to divorce myself from respectability politics that said I had to conform to certain standards in order to be an acceptable Christian. (Even though, often, even being an acceptable Christian isn’t enough when you’re queer).

Here’s what I’ve learned:

It’s totally possible to take sex seriously, to believe that sex matters and means something, while also not wrapping a million moral clauses around it.

It’s possible for different people to have different views about sex and have them both be respectful and healthy and good. I don’t do casual sex. It doesn’t work for me. Other people do, it works for them. Neither of these views negate the validity of the other view.

We have to free ourselves from one size fits all sexuality. What works for one person doesn’t work for someone else. What one person needs someone else doesn’t need.

What matters is health, consent, communication, and respect. 

What matters is your intrinsic understanding of who you are and what you need.

How do we get there?

Unpacking years of harmful messages about sex and sexuality takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t even happen after you’ve had a first amazing sexual experience with another person; guilt and shame can still rear their ugly heads and make you feel like you’ve done something wrong (even though you haven’t).

How do you create a sexual ethic if you’ve never been taught? If you’ve not been allowed to even entertain the thought that you were allowed?

Here’s some of what has helped me:

Get clear on what sex means to you. Not what you think it should mean, not what other people have told you it means, what does it actually mean to you?

Separate out other people’s voices from your voice. Which voices are the church? Which voices are your parents? Which ones are your friends? Which ones are media? Which ones are you? This can take quite a while, so be patient with yourself.

If the condemnation of the church or your parents were off the table, what would you do? What decisions would you make?

Are the decisions you are making to please anyone but you and your partner? Are you choosing celibacy because you feel like you have to? Because you feel like it’s what God or your church demands? Are you choosing to wait until marriage because otherwise you won’t get to be a part of your church community? Are you not having sex because you think it’s sinful? Really examine these beliefs. I firmly believe that you can choose to wait until marriage to have sex and have that be the right decision for you. I also believe you can choose celibacy out of healthy and well grounded reasons. But most of the people I see making these choices are making them because they feel like they have to. Maybe they sugarcoat it with conversations about how it works for them or they agree with their church teachings, but the reality is that choice is rooted in the belief that queer sex is inherently wrong and sinful. That belief is toxic and must be rooted out and tossed in the fire.

If you enter into (or withhold yourself from) a sexual relationship believing that queer sex (or any sex at all outside of marriage) is sinful and shameful this belief will mess you up. It will. It will impact your whole life negatively.

If you continue to struggle with guilt and shame around sex, I urge you to seek out a licensed therapist. By this I mean a therapist that actually has a degree and a license and isn’t just a “church counselor.” Also make sure that therapist is knowledgable about queer sexuality and identity. You do not need to be educating your therapist nor do you need to convince your therapist that queer sexuality is acceptable. If you really need to see a Christian therapist make sure they have an actual degree and license and are fully accepting of LGBTQ identity. If you seek out an unaffirming therapist they will damage you.

Finally, what do you want to do? For those of us raised in the evangelical church this seems like a scandalous question. We were taught that it doesn’t matter what we want, it matters what God wants! But really that’s just a shield. God gave us minds to think for ourselves. God gave us intuition and instincts. God gave us our bodies. God gave us free will and the ability to discern. The church is afraid that if we really listen to ourselves that we’ll tune in to the truth: our desires matter. Our instincts matter. We don’t need an outside authority telling us what is right for us; we have all that we need in our hearts and souls and minds. 

So sit with your body. Sit with your heart. Ask yourself, “What do I want?” Your body will tell you. Your spirit will tell you. You just need to listen.

Sexuality doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be a source of joy, of pleasure, of connection, of fun. But we have to do the work to unpack those harmful messages we received. We have to do the work of communication and consent. We have to do the work of listening to ourselves and learning what we need.

I promise, it’s worth it.

[somethingsomethingdragonage]

asks part 2

anon: I wonder if the fans of other DA characters get this much shit about their "problematic faves". I wonder if the fenris fans are called "ableism apologists" (because fenris is ableist), or aveline fans called "slut shaming apologists" (because aveline is a slut shamer).. or you know, in general being called MURDER apologists since every single one of these characters is a killer one way or another. and pls ppl, dont tell me anders doesn't have regrets or didn't do what he had to do out of fear. 

especially since I didn’t even post any discussion prior to the first message I got? it was just a “fun” post about bioware/Anders and I tagged it with “Anders was right” which is indeed a tag I use. like if I started any kind of argument and discussion I can understand why people would comment on that but because of a pretty normal post? idk. and yes, we should all incorporate a club and we will be called the murder apologists because clearly everyone who is playing games where ppl get killed and not despise every single character for it (including their own character) is a murder apologist.

anon: I'm sorry you're getting so much anon hate.  I hope things start getting better and people learn to separate games from current events a bit more. That being said it's nice to find another Anders fan! :3

well I’m not very optimistic that it’s going to happen because I always knew there where a lot of jerks in the DA fandom and I kinda managed to keep them off my dash for most part. since I’m mostly a DA fandom blog I kinda expect getting some crap from time to time but since my blog title and my present icon should give a pretty clear picture about my views it’s not a lot. and yes, I still think people who are unable to differentiate between fiction and reality shouldn’t play these games. or at least keep clear of discussions. yes you can identify with stuff in games, be it a conflict, a character but whatever. but don’t give other people a hard time for doing that as well because they are real and not game characters. well look at me ranting haha I’m also always happy to meet other fans of my fav mage and I hope you have a great day :)

audacityinblack: Some people seem to forget that Anders did not have *any* basic rights, let alone the right to speak freely or protest. A Divine in the past almost called an exalted march on her own damn Chantry because the mages went on strike. Mages have absolutely no right to protest. And, mage or not, they absolutely can and will hunt you down and kill you if you dissent against them too loudly. Heresy is a punishable offense in Thedas. Torture and execution are normalized parts of the justice system.

This is a system where peaceful protest never works. Only those with privilege and power are allowed to resolve their conflicts without bloodshed or surrendering their basic civil rights. The Daughters of Song were pacifists, they refused to fight. The Chantry fucking slaughtered them all. It's also hard to feel much for the poor innocent humans when the Chantry has been massacring elves and mages for centuries.

The Chantry ain't your kind peaceful neighborhood church. It's effectively a totalitarian theocratic power. I'm of the mind that people who can't see that have never experienced or educated themselves about religious oppression. Really, millennials have their own privilege in that we have a fuck ton more freedom to protest without putting ourselves in danger. Those rights would never have existed if there weren't people willing to fight and die and risk fucking everything.

Yes, Dragon Age is fiction. "You can't separate reality from fiction" is a common argument thrown at and by both sides. However, for a lot of us, this stuff is very much a part of our reality. We've *seen* reality, and often from a lot of angles the writers did not see. The writers' biases are on full display especially in the way that the "other" groups in the game tend to be written as misguided or wrong, while the establishment knows best and anyone who shows otherwise is an "exception."  

For a lot of us, the shit we see in game is terribly reminiscent of things that we have seen in real life, or even lived through. "Mages are dangerous" isn't much of an excuse, because there are ways to discover magic long before it becomes a problem. The Chantry is also the only authorized source of information on magic in a world where most people are not literate unless they've learned to read from guess who? Once again, the Chantry.

@audacityinblack: I can agree 100% with that. I’m not very good at making my point in arguments, especially if it’s not my native language. but you can do it perfectly. I mean the chantry is obviously based on the catholic church and nobody can argue that they did some pretty bad things and they happend in real life. that doesn’t mean the chantry is real or has the same impact as actual events but you can still make a connection. (and we also shouldn’t forget that the woman writing Anders in DA 2 didn’t like him at all so sometimes the points he’s trying to make might not come across as well as they should and they do try to make him an actual villain) I’m guessing some people are just too lazy to try to see different sides in games and they do the same thing in real life. let’s not forget, that Cullen is well loved by most people and he did pretty horrible things as well. he ordered me to kill every mage even if there was a chance they hadn’t done anything. and don’t try to argue “well but had to suffer you have to understand” yeah fuck you, Anders had to suffer most of his life and he didn’t choose it. none of the mages gets a choice. templars fucking do. I still like Cullen and try to understand his side of view and can see that he has changed since then but if you make me choose I will always be on Anders’ and the mages side. also I don’t even want to think about how horrible the punishment of turning mages into tranquil is. it is fucking murder or actually worse and they try to sell it as “kindness” and because the chantry is such a large institution no one really questions the stuff they do.  

[phallix]

Puppy Play

For a long time, the idea of puppy play held no interest for me whatsoever. I associated puppy play with annoying guys who tended to bark in the middle of play parties whenever they saw each other or who acted in ways that I frankly found annoying. They would talk about head-space and it all seemed like an exaggerated sense of make belief. “Yeah you’re a puppy…woof woof. Well I’m a fucking pirate, Arrrrrr” It didn’t interest me and so I tended to stand at the edges. I knew guys who identified as puppies but I didn’t usually interact with them that way. I recognized that puppy-play seemed like an entry point for some guys into the broader leather community but it often seemed that they had serious interests in the darkly erotic aspects of the community but got subverted into a non-sexual role play that just seemed silly. It was a frustrating process of which I was aware and wary. I saw a lot of guys who thought they were going to be a part of something really fun, sexy, and exciting and who instead found it disappointing. Then things changed. Two things happened to me. The first was a puppy party at IML. While there were plenty of guys crawling around and playing with the dreaded squeaky toys, there was a small cadre of guys playing in a way that was extremely feral, raw, animalistic, and sexual. They interacted in ways that didn’t seem forced or pretend. It was real and it was fucking hot. I remember how my interest in the overall puppy scene began to grow…(.among other things). The second was playing with someone who identified as a puppy that embodied all of that raw animalistic sexuality in a way that seemed so genuine that it totally blew me away. They would react in ways that were not forced. When they got excited their butt wagged because that was the most natural thing for them to do. They begged to have their tail inserted because it was the natural extension of a deeply powerful experience. I saw a vision of what I had been missing. I started to get interested in something that I had thought I would never find interesting. In fact, I kept thinking about it and talking to people and suddenly found that I was no longer at the edges but becoming more and more involved. But, I never found that same energy in the public puppy experience. It happened in small groups but never at an “event”. It was at this point that I began to bump up against the predominant model in the “puppy-community”. For some reason, there was a lot of stuff about how puppy play was not sexual. There was a lot of lip service to the idea that we all get to define what the experience is for ourselves but in truth, the dominant theme was that sexuality was NOT really welcome and only barely tolerated. I’ve heard all the reasons for that. I’ve had the conversations. I have no intention of arguing. BUT I have decided to speak my mind. SO for what it is worth… In my opinion ( your mileage may differ)… FOR ME…..My puppy play is deeply deeply sexual. It is about abandoning rational thought and acting in ways that are primitive and disinhibited. It tends to become very tactile, very olfactory, and very oral. In other words, there is a lot of rubbing, a lot of sniffing, and a lot of licking. While that human part of someone is never completely gone, it is allowed to take a back seat. One of the examples I often think of is when a puppy I was playing with had to pee. I took him outside rather than going into the bathroom. Without thinking about it, I noticed that the puppy lifted his leg to piss. I don’t think it was planned. It was just natural. In the same way, there is a lot of sexual stimulation going on and when that stimulation reaches orgasm, there tends to be a lot of howling or some other animalistic noises. Part of what I find so exciting, is playing with someone who is able to give up some of the rational part of themselves and let a more primitive drive take over. Rather than thinking about how they might like to sniff my crotch, or asking to so do, they just do it. I have to manage that. It becomes playful. I began to play with guys who when they got hard, they would just naturally drop to all fours. In conversations, they would make noises that came out of them so naturally , they didn’t even notice that they had answered the phone with a chuffing noise. When they were really turned on, their tongue would loll out. These weren’t things that were discussed they just happened. But becoming more involved in my own puppy experience, didn’t keep me from observing things in the broader community. It also didn’t stop me from being an opinionated asshole. So let me rant about a few other things for just a second. In my world, I deal in metaphor. I think that metaphor is powerful and often a door into understanding. Puppy play for me is a deeply powerful metaphor. And few things are more powerful metaphors that gear. As a leatherman, my gear is essential to me. It is an expression of important aspects of my self. It MEANS something to me. Puppies tend to get gear obsessed. It is interesting that each will find what works for them. Some find that covering their face frees to them play in ways that if their face were not covered they could not play. Others have told me that when their hands are put in their puppy mitts, things really transition. Almost all associate meaning and power to their collar. To each their own. The puppies I play with tend not to wear mitts but often curl their hands and do not use their fingers. They will “paw” at things that way. I think it is very hot. When a puppy can’t use his paws effectively and I need to lend him a hand so to speak. They usually don’t wear hoods, because the hood interferes with the hyper-orality that is so much a part of our play. Knee pads have become essential after too many episodes of rug burn. But puppy tails simply amaze me. I love playing with puppies that really get into having a tail. First of all, when it fits right, every time they move, the tail wags and when it wags it bumps up against their prostate….hell, what’s not to like. I love inserting a puppy’s tail and I pride myself if taking the time, the preparation, and the lube to make it comfortable. It is the first notch in a ladder of trust. That somebody trusts me enough that they become that vulnerable really turns me on. And when I do it successfully, the positive results are immediate. They move, it feels great, they move more, it feels even better. A perfect system. Which brings me to an observation about “show tails”. You know the ones that attach to a belt? In my mind that is the equivalent of a leather guy going to bar with his gear in a suitcase. I think so-called show tails are an abomination. BUT I also think there is a reason for them. And this is the place where I tend to rant like a mad-man. SO I apologize in advance. The reason show tails exist is that most puppy handlers are idiots. Most handlers have no idea what they are doing. And in part, this is the fault of the guys who have de-sexualized puppy play. Look, it’s really very simple, Sex takes skill. Ya have to know what you are doing to make it work. It is like most of the things in our BDSM world. You gotta learn first. But how hard it is to call some guy “Fluffy” and play fetch? Any dolt can do that. So there are a lot of guys who hold themselves out to be handlers and have no skill. Those are the same ignoramuses who conflate being a puppy with being subservient. They stand around with their buddies and tell the puppy to go get drinks. They hand the pup some cash and give them the order and the puppy wanders off to be surrounded by a bunch of guys who have no idea what is going on and have been drinking. Without fail, some guy grabs the tail and yanks on it. “What’s this?” It is the handler’s job to make sure that never happens. If they did their job, there would be no need for a show tail. When I am playing with a puppy, I am TOTALLY responsible for our play AND for their wellbeing. I have to make sure they are ok, safe, hydrated, comfortable. I have to check that their gear is on right. I have to monitor the scene so carefully that and do it without the benefit of language. All while having a good time. Letting a puppy run loose so that I can socialize says that maybe we need to teach handlers how to handle and stop having events that purport to be about puppy play when it is just about using puppies as an entertainment or a distraction. Frankly, I tend to play with guys who would rather bite your hand that lick it if you haven’t earned their trust and respect. And please note, that trust and respect is EARNED not given freely just because you say you are a handler on Recon. The idea of puppy events taps into stuff I have written about the tail wagging the dog (re: leather contests). I’ll leave that alone for a bit. BUT let me beat one dead horse for just a minute. MY PUPPY PLAY….MINE…that means I get to define it. My puppy play takes place in sacred male space. The amount of trust and the erotic energy are very powerful, but they are very fragile. For me, this stuff is all really important and very meaningful. I am afraid that the puppy community is headed in a direction that I will not be able to follow. That is a shame because I have met some really great guys. Guys I consider my friends. Even some who totally disagree with me. That’s fine. I still like them. Hell, if I only liked people I agree with I would be alone a lot. But I worry. I worry that guys who are drawn to something will not be able to find what they are seeking. They will leave in frustration. And here is what really worries me. If I stay silent, they will not know there are alternatives. I have played with pups who were surprised that a group of us were doing things a very different way than what they saw generally. So at the risk of whatever consequences I guess I thought I had to speak up. So let me tell you why. If you found a home with the non-sexual pups that's great. Good for you. But if you were looking for the hot animal fuckery that I associate with it and you go to some event where all they do is romp around....well then you might just think there is no place for you. You might not know you CAN be a part of that deep dark fantasy that makes your heart race and your dick hard. You might not believe that there are guys who share your wonderfully perverted world view.....BUT THERE ARE!!!

[abakersquest]

PROLOGUE

There are many who’ve said, ‘conflict is life’s natural state.’ All living things are in contention, seeking out whatever means of life they require or desire. From the lowest creatures to the greatest minds, it is in this challenge and hardship that we are forged into the strongest and most potent versions of ourselves. What we become, as the sheer and unerring process of life shapes us, is so much more than what there was in the beginning. This truth, however debatable, is an undeniable aspect of study in this and many other worlds.

Worlds such as Mondia, one not unlike some you may have seen before. In truth, most worlds are knit together from the same base components. Fantastic coincidence is not something that simply happens, it is by design. Life likes patterns and sequences, you can see the framework if you look close enough, and the intricate and artful stitching is there specifically to be noticed. Someone worked very hard on it, and is grateful for your attention to detail.

And so it is that in the placid westerly seas of Mondia lay the nations, Animana and Planae. The former is home to a broad collection of warm-blooded souls that come in a great many shapes but primarily two sizes, big and small. Many bear natural coats of fur, and are quite fond of eating at least three meals a day if they can help it.

The latter nation, Planae, just a short ocean voyage away, is motherland to plants gifted motion and thought by mystical blessing. They hold all life as sacred and seek only to further their understanding of it and the world.

In the stormier ocean that centers the sphere are the Icthy Isles. This archipelago’s residents, adorned in a panoply of scales in every color, traverse the seas as easily as others do the land. They can be found at every port, and almost always are possessed by some level of wanderlust.

To the northwest, the floating island of Orni’Hu is home to those gifted flight by broad wings and strong feathers. A life in such climbs has made them hardy and strong, so much so that even their children know a hard day’s work.

Far to the east, the arid empire of Insicai sits complacent in its isolation, its people proud of their brilliance and innovation. With four hands to do their work, and sturdy bodies to bear the harshness of the land, they endure despite what many would call a weakness in their being and strive to prove themselves superior to all.

And finally Sauro, which some would call the scar of Mondia, sits far to north of the Icthy Isles. It is home to a people made harsh and angry by a nearly constant rain of ash from twin volcanoes. The borders of their island nation act as both prison and fortress, made into high craggy walls by the tumult of earthly forces. The volcanic warmth of the land however, suits their cold-blood, and is seen as the most minor of blessings.

In time, as it is in any other world filled with people who think and feel, beliefs and personal biases would come to clash. So it was that when the people of Mondia set out to learn what lied horizon-wise, they met one another and soon found that they weren’t particularly fond of each other. Vague similarities between them existed of course, but they certainly didn’t bother to look too deeply into them. Better to simply stay in their immediate mindsets and find their own ways. This almost instant isolationistic thinking worked well for quite some time, until suddenly, it didn’t.

No one is quite certain of the all the details, war has a funny way of distracting the people who’d sit down and write about it in depth, and burning down the occasional library. What is known is that nation of Sauro began a campaign that would end with the occupation of every other nation. With powerful soldiers and keen tactics, the people of Sauro set out across the sea and declared war on everything beyond their own rocky shores. With the whole of Mondia in danger, a United Front Army was formed from the finest each nation’s army had to offer.

The firmament of Mondia shook, the sky was locked in perpetual smoky twilight, and godly powers freely clashed. On the side of the United Front, leading soldiers from across the world, Sir Hammond the Only, first knight of Animana, wielded the mighty and mystical Stellar Flare, a sword that could bring the light of the stars to bear against any foe. On the side of the Sauro, the newly risen and powerful witch, Kota, backed by her personal army of Elite Generals, horrific living shadows known as Shades, and the seemingly unstoppable Black Rock Knights.

The war waged for just over a decade, displacing many and reshaping maps. Old rivalries and difference were laid to rest for any advantage until; finally, Sir Hammond charged on Kota’s stronghold alone. It may be that no one will ever know what truly happened that day but what is certain is that Hammond defeated the dread witch. Eventually, without their leader and the might of her mystic forces, the remaining soldiers of Sauro fled into the dark and unseen corners of history.

Now, while the war for the world had ended, the wounds, sacrifices, and compromises all came to a head. Hammond and the Stellar Flare had seemingly vanished, whole city-states were gone leaving soldiers no home to return to, and more orphans than any could count. Alliances quickly dissolved in the face of these internal conflicts and the old walls the nations had built around themselves were slowly put back into service.

It’s been 20 years since the fall of Kota and the streets of Animana bustle with crowded and noisy life that’d put rocks tumbling in a can to shame with their racket. The citizenry hustled and bustled their way through their day and as far as anyone watching them was concerned, it seemed an entirely average day. But for one Wally B. Walter, baker by trade, it was not an ordinary day in the slightest. Because a giant sword just exploded through the roof of his bakery and destroyed his oven.

[Index]-[Chapter 01]>