#every time i tried tumblr hid the whole post

[jayjay-thejet-plane]

Cowboys: Dean helping Sam apply his lipstick💄

[queenimmadolla]

I need a part in the penny verse where the whole Eddie telling baby bump penny that her mom is going to be a MILF comes into play.

Like one we day the reader is picking up penny from school and maybe another kids dad flirts with her or like a new neighbor of theirs does and maybe Eddie’s reaction to that

Not even gonna front with you, I've been sitting on this for a min because I wrote it and then freaking forgot about it. I did take some creative liberties, but I think you'll like what I got for ya. Ps, ‘baby bump penny’ had my heart throwing up, I always forget that we get her in different phases of her existence and she was once in reader’s belly 🥹💘

to everyone else, sorry, I can't link shit but this is a follow up to a ton of other pennyverse entries so you can search that on my tumblr until the links work again. and i'm trying the keep reading cut again, let me know if it fucks up the post.

(dad!eddie munson x mom!reader)

Summary: Something's been bothering you these last couple of weeks and you won't tell Eddie what it is. Like that'll stop him, he's determined to figure it out.

warnings: a creepy (and freaking terrible) dad hits on reader, implied unwelcome advances, crude comments about reader and the female body (eddie sets this fucker straight), protective!eddie :)

Eddie knew you. He knew every fiber of your being, every marker in your past, all the ways you liked to style your hair, how you decided on what makeup to put on that day—if you even wore any—,the different types of silence you’d sink into and what they meant, your body (god, he was intimately in tune with it), and every different smile you wore. Eddie knew you.

  He just didn’t know exactly what went on in that beautiful head of yours. Eddie was positive he had a sixth sense catered only to you, it’d let him know whenever there was something wrong, something bothering you. It prompted him to approach you, watch you even more than he already did. Putting himself metaphorically in your shoes usually helped him figure it out the rest of the way, but for this particular occurrence, he had nothing to go on.

  For the past couple of weeks, since Penny had started preschool, you’d moved your work schedule around to go in earlier so you’d be out in time to pick Penny up from school and snag the baby from Maude and Wayne, who watched him while you and Eddie were at work.

  Eddie noticed a change in you. It was minor at first, a little frazzled when he’d get home, but you hid it well. Now, you looked bothered. Always zoned out, with a frown on your face. You never left the house like that, always gave him and the kids kisses before you went on your merry way (well, as happy as you could be going to a desk job), so it had to be something that happened after you left home that bothered you.

  It wasn’t work, you’d rant to Eddie about it if you had a bad day but you liked to leave work problems at your desk when you left it, something about not being paid to worry or think about work after hours.

  It bugged the fuck out of him. He’d tried to approach the subject before, leaving you openings to tell him what was going on but you always shrugged it off and went on about your day as if you hadn’t been upset over something. You couldn’t hide it completely, though. Not from Eddie, he could still see those split seconds where your mind wandered off and the corners of your lips twitched down.

  Given how stubborn you were, Eddie decided he’d need to take a more hands on approach. Since he suspected something was happening after you left home in the mornings and before he got home from work, he’d have to be present for that timeframe. 

  He’d left work around lunchtime, Norm was understanding about it and didn't really care all that much since it was a relatively slow day for business.

  His son had been delighted when he picked him up from his Grandpa and (grandma) Maude’s, squirming and wiggling in her hold until Eddie got a hold of him. Baby Wayne had immediately placed his hands on Eddie’s jaw, urging his dad to bend his head so he could rest his forehead against his own, those big eyes of his fluttering shut the moment they connected and soft coos of dada mumbled in between them, unlike Penny had, Wayne caught onto the baby babble of mama and dada. Penny hadn’t because one of you was always helicoptering around her so Princess Penny hadn’t felt the need.

Eddie would never get over how much his baby seemed to love cuddling with his parents, everytime baby Wayne was affectionate, he turned into goo, melting in his chubby hands. They lingered in the trailer for a couple of minutes while Eddie and big Wayne discussed how things were going in the apartment, though it had been more than a year since they’d moved in. Naturally, Wayne had asked why he was stopping by so early to pick up the baby so your change in demeanor came up in conversation.

  “Mmm, I been noticin’ ‘er actin’ odd whenever she comes to pick up little man. Seems fine when she gets ‘ere. ‘S when she leaves, she seems a little…”

  “Hesitant?” Eddie supplied and Wayne nodded, mouth pressed in a firm line.

  It was then that Maude Maple spoke up, something the widow rarely did in the presence of anyone other than Wayne, and it was with great hesitance.

  “She—she mentioned something once, about the pick up at Penny’s preschool. She didn’t go into too much detail, I think she’s bothered by it.”

  “Looks like I’m on pick-up duty today.” 

  After leaving Wayne and Maude’s and asking the latter to give you a call at work to let you know he picked the baby up, Eddie spent the rest of the afternoon with baby Wayne. It involved a food fight—yes, Eddie flung some back at him, he had it coming, when Wayne had decided he was done being fed and done with food that wasn’t coming from your boob so he’d thrown the macaroni at his dad’s face—a shared shower to rid evidence of said food fight, jamming out (terribly) on toy musical instruments before Eddie gave him a bottle and some cuddles while he put Wayne down for his nap. . . And fell asleep with him. 

  You came home to a suspiciously quiet apartment, a little too clean, save for a couple of toys in the living room. You found your boys in Wayne’s nursery, both of them in the crib. 

  It was a heartwarming and comical sight, Eddie’s legs were dangling outside of the crib and the baby was curled up on his chest, though he stirred at the sound of the door opening, pushing himself up off his dad as he blinked lazily at you, mouth parting to reveal a couple of little white nubs in his gummy smile, teeth coming in.

  He cooed softly, once. When you didn’t immediately go pick him up, he let out a stream of coos, loud and demanding but still loving as he tried to entice you over. When you still stood there giggling, he got mad, seemingly joining you in your laughter with his fake and very forced sounding baby laugh which quickly morphed into fake cries as he pushed himself to his feet and stood on Eddie’s chest, clinging to the bars of his crib as though he were a locked up criminal.

  Eddie groaned, hands moving to grab your son and you finally made your way over, picking Wayne up—much to his utter delight—to relieve Eddie of his weight.

  “Ouch, dude. You can’t just stand on people like that, it’s rude.” He croaked out, as his son’s weight was lifted off of his chest.

  Eddie couldn’t even be annoyed, not when he could see Wayne scrambling eagerly in your arms, face rubbing into your neck, chest, cheek, anywhere the little guy could reach in his desperation and excitement to be as close as he could to his mama.

  After giving Wayne’s tummy some tickles, amplifying his excited wiggles with a few ‘so excited, so excited’s, you leaned over so the both of you could stare down at Eddie, amusement cloaking your pretty features.

  “I think it might be time to get you a big boy bed.”

  Eddie huffed out a laugh and then groaned once more as he tried to sit up as much as he could, which wasn’t a whole lot given the fact half of him was hanging out of the crib.

  “This is gonna be fun,” he mumbled, but eventually he was able to maneuver himself out of it without breaking it. He placed his hands on his lower back, arching until it gave away to a satisfying pop.

  “Oh, yeah. That’s good.”

  “Daddy’s so silly, huh?” You asked your son, bouncing him in your arms as you placed a kiss on his curly head before directing your next question to Eddie, “Is everything okay, baby?”

  “Just peachy, honey.” He was definitely gonna have to ask you to rub his back tonight. “Wanted to have some one-on-one time with him, even if he regularly abandons me the moment you’re in sight.” 

  Eddie reached a finger out to tickle Wayne’s stomach, smirking when he laughed and tried to hide further in your hold.

  You smiled at their interaction, though the joy quickly flitted from your expression, “Do you want to watch him? While I go pick up Penny?”

  Another obvious tell something was wrong: you’d chosen to come home, put an intentional stop between getting off of work and picking up Penny. It was almost as though you needed time to prepare yourself, which was a giant freaking red flag to Eddie considering you used to drive straight over to her school and wait for her. 

  “Why don’t you stay with him? I can go pick her up.”

  The light returned to your eyes.

  “Really? I mean—I don’t mind, I don’t want to get in the way of your bonding time.” 

  “He’s clearly over me,” The sentence was whispered at his son with fake aggression, which left Wayne a giggling mess once more, Eddie chuckled and gave his son’s chin an affectionate squeeze and wiggle, “I’ll pick up Princess Penelope, she loves the disapproving looks people give me.”

“Shut up!” You laughed, leaning up to give him a kiss before he snatched his keys off the counter.

“I’ll see you soon, beautiful.”

“Say bye-bye to daddy!” You encouraged your baby, bouncing him a little against your hip. “Buh-buh.” He waved his chunky little hand, smiling wide for his dad. 

When Eddie collapsed into the door, hand clenched over his heart, you added, “Blow daddy a kiss!” Baby Wayne lifted his palm to his mouth briefly before extending his arm out in Eddie’s direction, “Mah!” Eddie pretended to catch it, smacked the invisible kiss over his mouth and blew one right back at his baby before he forced himself out the door.

   His kid was so cute, it was a federal offense. The drive to Penny’s preschool was short, thanks to living close by. Eddie hopped out of the van–he and a couple of the guys from the shop installed a backseat prior to Penny’s birth–and made his way to the waiting area. Eddie had never gone to a preschool as a kid so he couldn’t exactly judge the pick up and drop off routine, but Penny’s preschool rarely allowed anyone in. They simply walked  up to one of the entrance doors, rang a special doorbell attached to the building, and one of the teachers or aides or whatever would verify the adult picking them up if they didn’t recognize them and then bring the kid out.

  Which meant Eddie had to stand around with other adults. There’d been a couple of them already waiting when he’d arrived, so he’d made himself comfortable on a nearby column as he waited, mind once more preoccupied with reasons as to why you didn’t seem to enjoy picking Penny up anymore. You liked Penny’s teacher, could it be one of the aides giving you a hard time? No. That’s something you would have told him.

Eddie was so distracted, he hadn’t noticed another body settle against the wall across from him.

“You a new dad? Haven’t seen you around before.”

  “What?” Eddie blinked, roused from his thoughts. The guy across from him looked like he was in his mid thirties, dressed in a skeezy suit that looked like it belonged on a car lot rather than an office, and had really big, overly white teeth he couldn’t seem to put away.

“Not a new dad, a new dad to this school. Although, you do look a little young.” The stranger clarified with a shrug.

There was something about him that Eddie immediately disliked. He could tell this was not only their first interaction, it would also be their last.

“No, I usually do the drop off.” Eddie stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jacket, eyes flashing back to the entrance door just in time to make eye contact with one of the aides, he saw the recognition in her eyes before she closed the door again and felt less annoyed with the situation knowing she’d be retrieving Penny. 

  He hadn’t really left room for conversation, but the guy still continued.

  “Gotcha, gotcha.” His head bobbed around, Eddie thought if he listened carefully enough, he could hear his brain rattling in there, “I used to be on drop off duty myself, but I hated getting the kids ready. I’ve got four of those little monsters, every little task takes goddamn near twenty minutes.” Oh, no. This guy didn’t say it with annoyance, no, he seemed contemptuous when he talked about his kids. Eddie didn’t like that.

“Wouldn’t be so bad if my wife could just get a grip on them,” Maybe she could if she had help, you’re clearly useless, “Name’s Neil, by the way.” Eddie just raised his chin in acknowledgement. One would think ol’ Neil would catch on to Eddie not wanting to talk to him, but one would be wrong. “Yup. ‘S why I’m not on drop off duty. Sure, the pick up has its faults, kids always smell like a stale fart from all that running around and they’re babbling non-stop the whole ride, but I think you’ll find you’ll like being on pick-up duty,” Then he leaned in, like he was telling a secret and whispered out, “Most of the hot moms do the pick-ups.”

  That sixth sense Eddie had for you? Yeah, it was on freaking fire, hot red and jumping around. He was positive he now knew the reason behind your discomfort with picking Penny up. 

  Some fucking creep wouldn’t leave you alone. Eddie’s jaw ticked, hands clenched into fists from the insides of his pockets. He didn’t say anything, but that wasn’t necessary with this guy.

“Man, you should see some of them. You gotta wonder why they only have one kid, I’d be all over that.” He gave a low whistle before he let out the most unflattering of cackles.

  “You missed most of the show, but there’s this one mom–god, the body on this one. . .and she’s always done up, think she works in an office or something, but she’s a sight for sore eyes. A real MILF. She’s only got one kid, too. Little girl she picks up, so you know she’s tight.”

Eddie would be committing a crime, because he knew he was talking about you. He was going to murder this asshole. He was gonna strangle Neil with his own intestines and get rid of the body in the town dump where he belonged.

  He must have not noticed the crazed glint in Eddie’s eyes because the idiot kept going, “I know what you’re thinking, I’m not actively planning on doing anything. Haven’t seen her in a couple of days, pretty sure she’s working late or something because she’s gotta be snatching this kid up late. Heard she’s married to some greasy mechanic and a pretty little thing like that coming to pick up her kid with these dads around? Shit, I wouldn’t be letting her out of the house. He’s signing her up for this. You gotta wonder if she likes the attention. She’s got this shy thing going on, though. Always so meek when I’m chatting her up. Not like my wife.” Neil’s face contorted in disdain, “Four fucking kids, man.” Okay, Eddie would be murdering him on behalf of you, and his wife. And the rest of the human population. He’d had enough, it was time to make sure this shit wouldn’t be continuing. “You got any pictures?” Eddie asked, feigning interest for the first time since he’d come up to him. Neil scoffed and dug around in his pocket, “Wife won’t let me go anywhere without them, you know how it is. Constant reminders and all that, like she doesn’t trust me to not forget.”

Eddie tried not to snatch the photo out of his slimy hands, frown deepening when he realized Neil’s story about having a wife and kids was not in fact made up. Four beaming little faces stared back up at Eddie, with a pretty fifth smile in the picture. She was severely out of her husband’s league, seemingly juggling all the responsibilities on her own, all of them underappreciated and unfortunately stuck with him.

“Beautiful family,” He commented, eyes flashing to the door just as it opened to reveal Penny and the aide. He returned the photo and pulled out his wallet from his pocket by its chain. Eddie flashed the photo inside to Neil, who immediately looked like he was going to shit himself. The photo was of you sitting on the couch, Wayne sitting between your legs and Penny standing on the cushion next to you, clutching your shoulder as you all smiled for him.

  Eddie slipped the wallet back into his pocket, and just as Penny began to run over, he leaned in to whisper like Neil had earlier, “Here’s what’s gonna happen: you're not ever gonna talk to my wife again or I’ll fuck you up. If you so much as look in her direction, I’ll kill you. If you think about her, I’ll beat you 'til the bones of my knuckles break through the skin. I’ll make sure you experience pain like you’ve never felt before. Bones can heal, but I promise you they don’t grow back, you pathetic fucking worm. You don’t deserve your wife, who gave you four fucking beautiful children, and you don’t deserve your kids, either. If I ever see her in public, I’m gonna tell her that so you’d better start appreciating her now. I’ve got a friend who wants a ton of kids and I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me sending him their way. Got it?” Neil, good ol’ clammy, pale faced Neil swallowed hard and silently nodded as Penny finally reached him, arms already outstretched. Eddie swooped her up before she ran into him, relishing in the way her arms wrapped tightly around him in a hug. And this fucker was annoyed to have four little people who gave him these.

“Hi, sweet pea! Daddy’s just gonna finish up this conversation with Neil here and we’ll head home to mama, okay?”

Penny nodded eagerly, turning her head to stare inquisitively at the man she knew was her friend Izzy’s dad.

  Eddie took Penny’s backpack off of her with her help and slid it over his free arm, “I’m glad we understand each other, Neil. And if we don’t, my buddy Steve’s on speed dial.”

  He smirked as he walked away, leaving Neil both dumbstruck and terror stricken. Eddie didn’t even stop when he recalled a small inaccuracy Neil had mentioned, calling over his shoulder, “And we have two kids!”

What a jerk.

“Tell me about your day?” Eddie asked as he slid open the backseat door and leaned forward so Penny could climb into her booster seat. “Oh, boy, daddy! It was long! First, teacher said we were gonna draw with crayons but she change-ed her mind and we got to paint with our fingers instead!” She displayed her clean, paint free fingers for him as Eddie buckled her in, “Oh, yeah? Did you paint me a picture?” “Yeah, ‘s in my pack pack. But we only gotted to paint for a little while ‘cause Stanley tried to eat it.” “Not again, Stanley.” “I know!” Penny filled him in the rest of the drive home, while he got her out of her seat, the entire walk into the apartment building, only stopping when he opened the door for her and she caught sight of you. “MOMMY!” She let go of Eddie’s hand to run into your waiting arms. “Hi, baby! Did you have a good day at school?” You asked after you’d gotten in a good cuddle squeeze. “Uh huh! I painted with my fingers!” Penny ran back to Eddie and dug around in the backpack now dangling at his side until she retrieved a very poorly folded piece of thick paper. “I gotta show Waynie, first!” She bypassed you and ran straight for her baby brother, who was clutching the seat cushion of the couch and bobbing up and down. He’d be walking any day now. Eddie set Penny’s yellow backpack down on the counter as he closed the distance between you, arms wrapping around your middle to pull you flush up against him. “I don’t know how you do it, they make you wait forever.” He groaned, pressing his forehead to yours as you laughed. “It’s not that bad!”

“Yeah, well, regardless, you should be having a much easier time picking her up.”

It was easy for you to read between the lines and pick up his real meaning. Your eyes widened in surprise for a moment before they softened, and you leaned further into him, hands resting on Eddie’s shoulders. “Thank you.” You’d been afraid to mention the invasive and unwelcome attention you’d gained from one of the dads. Ashamed. He’d been vulgar, blatant and creepy. Even on the days he wouldn't approach you, you could still feel his eyes on you, on your body. It made you feel gross and cheap, even though you hadn’t done anything wrong. You’d politely tried to get away from him when you’d find yourself in that situation, but where you went, he followed. Soon, you’d begun waiting in your parked car until Neil left, and when that wasn’t good enough, you’d either go home and wait until just before they closed–which you hated because you didn’t like to keep Penny waiting there when she could be at home–or wait in the parking lot at work until you’d make it when all the other kids were mostly gone. It was draining, and made you dread the end of the work day. 

“You never have to thank me,” Eddie leaned down just as you leaned up to kiss him, mouths mingling a little more on the wet side since you knew neither of your kids’ attention was on you. When you finally broke away, Eddie licked his lips and sighed. “Seriously, though. I don’t know how you do it. Men are gross and creepy, I wanted to deck him before he even really said anything. And what he did say–ugh. Let me know if you see his head turn in your direction, honey, ‘cause I made a promise I’m eager to not break.” You hummed appreciatively as you leaned up for more kisses, “My hero.”

[tea-and-vodka]

DP x DC AU, Bruce/Danny (if someone knows the ship name *please tell me-*)

Side note: I'm using asterisks (*) to signify italics, because for some reason Tumblr is being annoying about those.

- - -

He never really told anyone about it. No one really remembered but him, Alfred, and the photos they had kept.

Bruce had a friend when he was younger, one who had lived on the streets before moving into the manor.

The two had been practically inseparable.

Yet, as they grew older, they knew that his friend needed to stay away from the cameras and stares that had started following Bruce like mosquitoes.

So, his friend left when they were in their late teenage years. They kept in contact of course, and the two visited. But when the youngest (at the time) Wayne began to get involved with less than legal activities in their twenties, he hid it from his friend.

The rate of their visits slowed down, until it came to a halt. They sent letters, of course, but seeing him in person meant danger. Potentially putting *him* in danger. And Bruce could not let that happen.

- - -

The Batkids all stare in varying levels of confusion, concern, and awe as Bruce becomes visibly flustered.

"Bruce, Darling, it is so nice to see you again!" The man, Danny, says, before kissing Bruce on the corners of his mouth. He holds the billionaire's face in his hands as he tilts his own head to the side, a soft and affectionate look on his face. "I have missed you and Alfred so much! How have you two been?"

Bruce stammers for a moment, not taking his eyes off of the taller man in front of him. "I've, um, been well, thank you. Uh-" He flicks his eyes over to his kids before returning them to Danny as he gestures to the gathered crowd in his entryway. "These are my children! Wo-would you like to meet them?" He blurts out quickly, a smile that he seemed to be desperately fighting on his face.

"Of course! Why wouldn't I want to meet them?" Danny says jovially, turning to the others.

As the man calmly walks over, Cass makes a few observations. His lithe, relatively short body not tense in the slightest, every step seeming purposeful yet not at all thought about, and his eyes flick over everyone in front of him like he's analyzing them. Seeing them like she sees people.

Still smiling, he opens his mouth to speak to all of them, when he freezes. The group tenses, watching as he doesn't take his eyes off of the second eldest brother as his smile falls.

With pain in his eyes, the older man simply breathes out an, "Oh."

Jason stared into Danny's eyes, something akin to grief beginning to show on his face.

"Oh, *Sweetheart.*" Danny said softly, stepping closer to the younger man. He carefully takes his face into one hand, holding him like he may break. "*I'm so sorry.*"

At that, Jason's face metaphorically crumples, tears spilling down his face as Danny feels his [*hurts tired scared angry tired hurts scared h e l p -*]. Danny's thumb rubs his cheek in an effort to soothe the young man, an understanding sadness on his face. In response, Jason lets out a small whimper as he tries to bury his face into the other's hand.

Gently, delicately, despite the sheer size of him, he pulls Jason close, practically curling around him like he's trying to shield him from the outside world. One hand rubs his back, the other curling into his hair as the Bat's face buries itself into his neck, muffling the sounds of sobbing. [*Safe together protect safe comfort soothe safe*]

As the Batfamily watched this happen, most were too caught off-guard and utterly dumbstruck to notice some unusual details.

Cass's eyes squint slightly in suspicion as Danny's toxic green ones close. Weren't those a nearly unnatural blue when she first saw him?

- - -

I'm sorry if this got repetitive; I don't usually beta anything I post!

Essentially, Danny senses Jason's ghostly-ness, and is like, "Who the heck hurt this baby?!" Immediately reaching out with the whole ghost-EM field-thing, Jason's whole world is flipped because he'd been subconsciously trying to reach out that way ever since he got back to Gotham, and had been getting increasingly distressed because no one was understanding what he was communicating.

A few years after he was brought into the manor, Danny had explained to Bruce and Alfred what he is, what happened in Amity Park, how he got deaged, etc., and they accepted him wholeheartedly. *Except*, he left out any and all mention of vigilantism / the bigger enemies that he fought, and went on to working on being the ghost king when he moved out. He doesn't know about the Batfam being the Bats and Birds, and they don't know about him being royalty, nor his vigilante past.

He and Bruce are both very intelligent dumbasses, and do not realize that they have romantic feelings for one another. Alfred is well aware. Is Bruce also dating someone else in this AU? Potentially! It is currently up to interpretation, since I have not thought about who would go well for this scenario. (Although, I do feel like Danny would have beef with Clark because of the whole Connor debacle. Maybe, behind the scenes, Danny adopted Connor, and now Danielle has a brother!)

Also, I'm tired of people being like, "Danny is short! He's only 5'7!" (/lh) It makes me feel short. In this, he is 5'4, and he does not care if this whole ass man is over six foot, he *will* do his best to curl around him and help him feel safe for the first time since he was a teen.

[educating-bimbos]

The Pinned Post 2

new pinned post because tumblr hid my old one from my view so I can't see, edit it, or reblog it to add an addendum. I only have a few things to add, so I am just going to copy and paste it.

Who is Educating Bimbos?

My name is Nicolette. I am a technical artist, musician, and an outdoorsy type of gal. I enjoy the finer things in life, and I fancy myself a traditional woman and a bimbo. I don't really enjoy mindlessly obsessing over labels, but if it helps people gauge where my brain is at, I am pro-patriarchy, in favor of traditional gender roles and dynamics, an ex-feminist, and before all else a believer in one's ability to exercise personal freedoms. My beliefs, mannerisms, and presentation attract the ire of feminists, born-again-religious types, and any number of anti-fun douchebags. At the end of the day, just remember that behind this silly blog is a silly person.

What is Educating Bimbos?

It is a blog and small community of bimbos looking to learn more about and express a traditional lifestyle. It is also about people who may not be familiar with or comfortable around things like BDSM get a nice and soft introduction to it without being exposed immediately to the idea of how people can enjoy things in a pseudo-sexual context. At the end of the day, it is a blog and community where I and other like-minded people can express silly ideas without the fear of being lambasted by people seeking to harm others.

Where is Educating Bimbos?

Educating Bimbos can be found in one of these two places.

Why is Educating Bimbos?

Well for a while I was annoyed by the lack of communities that focused on a kind of "hyper-feminine" aesthetic while also promoting more traditional ideas. There was also the issue of communities that have tried this before of devolving into bigoted and abusive communities that would do everything under the sun to create an insular and ToS breaking community. I spoke with a friend of mine who runs a similar community a while ago and she inspired me to give this a shot. Now - close to 3 years later - I have a steadily growing community that pulls from all corners of ideology, cultural, ethnic, and interest level and the discord has been almost completely drama-free in its whole existence.

When is Educating Bimbos?

I am alive and doing silly stuff all day, every day. Except when it is nap time in which case I will be in the realm of dreams.

What's an ex-lesbian and why do you call yourself that?

For a number of very personal reasons, I have decided to call myself an ex-lesbian. I did this of my own volition, and I was not pressured into doing so. For a long time, I had thought of myself as a lesbian, mostly because of socialization and how all the girls around me were so might as well follow suit. I experienced a number of harmful and traumatic events when I considered myself a lesbian and it effected how I view myself. After a while and talking to some friends who I trust dearly, I came to the realization that I am not a lesbian and that it really isn't a thing I identify with the same way others do. I am still trying to come to grips with that given I only relatively recently had that realization. I also feel that people use that term in bad faith to harm people and to push bad narratives and ideas so I thought "hey might as well try and take back what should be an innocuous phrase."

In short, I think an ex-lesbian is just a way of identifying one's sexuality similar to asexuality or demisexuality. It is not that I am one sexuality or another, it's that my sexuality is defined by my experience and coming of age.

I have had a number of people confront me about this, talk to me about it in sincere curiosity, and even attack me. I welcome anyone who is curious or has a genuine contention to come to me in DMs, I am not a mean person, and I will love to talk honestly and respectfully. I find that disagreement is not grounds to discredit or avoid befriending people, I hope you can do the same.

Further questions for Educating Bimbos?

If you find that these questions are unsatisfactory in any regard, or you wish to try your hand at doing what I do, follow these two links!

Ask me anything!

Ask me anything you want! I have some personal rules with regards to what I can and cannot upload, but this is generally the best way for me to answer any question you may have. I also have anonymous asks enabled just in case you are shy.

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[iamthecomet]

@purlty23 tagged me in This game and I'm super excited about it! (I tried to reblog the original post and just tack on but tumblr hates me)

Thanks Blue, this was so fun!

I'm tagging: @amara-among-the-stars, @mac-and-thefox, @littlemoon-beam, @divine-misfortune and whoever else also wants to expose their sins to the internet. Under the cut, because LONG.

Xena Warrior Princess - Passive Enjoyer Only passive because I was too young to be anything else. Barely counts, except that this show was my first real obsession so I have to include it. I dressed up as Xena for halloween when I was like…5. The pictures are incredible.

Good Charlotte - Mostly passive As is a trend with a lot of these, I wrote a little fan fic, and daydreamed a thousand scenarios, but never shared any of it. I was mildy obsessed with Benji Martin, but I didn't really get involved beyond that.

LOTR - Creative Enjoyer The first fan-fic I ever posted on the internet (I was twelve, people were mean). I didn't make any friends within the fandom. But I was so determined to write for it that I had an entire novel planned out--that eventually became an original book idea instead.

Harry Potter- Mostly Passive I read a lot of HP fanfic, but not as much as others. I didn't get involved in online conversations. I did dabble in writing some fics that I hid from the world and never finished.

The Boston Red Sox - Creative Enjoyer Ok. Now you know why I said I was exposing myself. Look I was like 12-14. My best friend and I filled entire notebooks with our MANY chaptered fic that spanned the entire 2004 Red Sox Season, that we started the day they won the world series that year. We hand wrote it all, I transcribed it into my computer where it still exists somewhere. It was our EVERYTHING. And it has never (and will never) see the light of day. I may have posted some Red Sox fic on the internet in my Live Journal days, and I made a bunch of online friends within that community, but they never saw THE fic.

Rammstein - Creative Enjoyer Again, my best friend and I had a notebook with a long form rammstein fic in. We didn't go as far with this one. And I didn't get involved in any online communities. Though, our love for Rammstein lived a lot longer than our fic writing did.

Twilight - Creative Enjoyer In that I wrote and posted a single fic about Alice.

Lost - Passive Enjoyer. I read a billion Skate fics. Probably thought about writing my own, but I don't think I ever actually did. Was obsessed with this show until the last season. I still have never seen the last episode.

Vampire Academy (THE BOOKS) - Passive Enjoyer. Not a lot online. Read some fic. Was so obsessed with this book that I started to write a fanfic where we got to see some of the story from Dimitri's persepective and accidentally created and entire new plot and new characters and accidentally created my own CHILD of an original novel because of it.

Grishaverse (Shadow and Bone/Six of Crows/Rule of Wolves) - Passive Enjoyer Loved these books. Loved every single character. Read as much fanfic as I could find. Accidentally spoiled a death in one of the books with fanfiction.

Avenged Sevenfold - Creative Enjoyer Short lived. Read some INCREDIBLE fics on the basically defunct site Mibba and thought "I can do that" and was fighting for my life in college. Wrote a few chapters of a fic. Got decent feedback. Got bored immediately.

Supernatural - passive enjoyer Read some fic. Took me like 15 tries to actually get through the whole show. Adored it, never went very far with it.

Marvel (Specifically The Winter Soldier) - Passive Enjoyer. I should have been a creative enjoyer, but was too afraid to write anything or put myself out there. (I spent all of my time after high school/college thinking that fanfic was a waste of time and I should never write it because I needed to be serious. What a waste). Still mildly obsessed with BuckyNat. I adore Bucky and Black Widow. If they put out another good movie I could see myself falling down that rabbit hole and actually letting myself land. The trailer for The Winter Soldier changed my brain chemistry (nevermind the whole move).

Fallout 4 - Passive Enjoyer I could read Sole Survivor/Paladin Danse fics every day forever. I know that's insane. Stop looking at me like that.

Ghost - Creative Enjoyer. Finally allowed myself to write whatever the fuck I want and have fun with it and it has changed my entire fucking life. Wish I'd done it sooner. So glad I got to do it now and with all of you. ♥

[malice-and-macarons]

Sharing The TPS Drama

TLDR: Gruvu stop lying about me, I did not steal an AU from you and I am sick to death of your petty behaviour over fanfiction of all things.

Evidence drive: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1Wmib2VgbdSSK6kLL8n5uyf5_L5ARliKy?usp=share_link

Hi everyone, it’s tea time (annoyingly) As I said in my last post, I am going to share with you my experience with the tumblr user Gruvu. Some base context, about five years ago while beginning work on The Prodigal Son, the second part of my Bishock fanfiction series, Rapture Falls - I approached the user Gruvu to request permission to use a prompt they had suggested in a tumblr post. The long and short of it is that they agreed and I began writing TPS soon after. Since then Gruvu has claimed I stole their story, their AU, their ideas, refused to give credit, ect. None of which is true. In fact to this very day their credit is STILL on the fanfiction. I never hid or removed it and as I told them previously, I will not remove the credit unless they specifically ask me to. That is all I ever owed them. After three separate confrontations were initiated by Gruvu (one for not mentioning them when responding to someone praising my work, a second for daring to not tell them about fanart a friend was making and a third where they outright asked me to discontinue the series entirely) we cut contact. It was a very unpleasant experience that did not have an amicable ending. Gruvu (in my opinion I cannot prove this) was actively utilising the anon system on tumblr to send asks to me and themselves to both hurt me and victimise themselves. I have noticed that they tend to get in drama with former friends and every time they get an influx of hate on anon. Again, I can prove literally none of that, I can only acknowledge the pattern and have my opinion on it. And my opinion is that it is petty and dumb so I didn’t engage with that behaviour in turn and tried to just move on from it all. This is a very brief explanation of what occurred and there’s more detail in the drive. Since then I kept it moving, continued writing TPS (despite my slow ass upload schedule), and let it rest. Gruvu however has not been satisfied to do the same. 

As of this week I became aware of them once again publicly claiming I had stolen from them. I reached out to tell them to knock it off and leave me alone or I’d publicly speak up myself, as I declined to do when they first lashed out at me. They refused and so now I am writing this and sharing a drive with most all our interactions (some were cut for Gruvu’s privacy) as well as the nonsense surrounding the whole situation. I have removed most the other parties usernames and pfp because honestly this drama isn’t all that deep and they all deserve to be left out of it. Leave them alone and, I hope I dont have to say this but I will, leave Gruvu alone too. 

The whole reason this is even being shared is because they couldn’t leave me alone so I would hope you lot don’t completely fail to notice how wildly out of pocket it would be to behave the same way to them. The evidence drive is listed here and contains anything else you might need to know. I might edit the drive a bit over the next few days if there’s a need for clearer screenshots or better censorship. But otherwise it is all done. If you read all that, thank you.  Enjoy the dumb fanfiction drama.  And to Gruvu: You’re a whole ass adult. Act like it. Love Mali

[goodgaymckay]

I'm a different anon! I keep forgetting to sign asks, but I'm the one who sent the tom and Jeff internalized caniblism shame thing a while ago!

I think It'd be really funny if people started wondering who this new mod that always seems to be online was then rumors started to spread that Jeff is Like this mysterious serial killer cannibal that hasn't been caught yet. Some people on the site especially new members think it's true and that Jeff recorded the dealing with the bodies in the basement and secretly hid it up on the site somewhere.

(Chris and Zach thought this at first and stayed up on Skype pulling an all nighter to find it)

The other half treat it as Like an ironic jerma or tomar thing, he's lowkey become an inside joke.

That's what catches Dave's attention. Dave started Writing silly cannibal stories as a joke and everyone fucking hated them because they where purposely annoying. But Jeff sees that over time Dave's getting better at Writing and drawing comics. It becomes kinda endearing to him even when he uses Jeff's whole username in half of his stuff. Jeff starts by leaving 1 word responses to his posts but then they get longer. Eventually they start private messaging and Dave ends up endearing himself to Jeff even more but poking fun at him and just barely skirting the line of too annoying.

One day Jeff starts nitpicking things on call and Dave's like “oh, well how do you know what people taste like” and Jeff just kinda let's it slip Like “how do you think” and then just instantly clamps just when he realizes what he said. And Dave realizes from his side of the call and starts processing that he meant it and is like “YOU ACTUALLY ATE SOMEONE”. Jeff tries to back peddle but it's too late.

He doesn't want to talk about it so Dave just keeps joking about it even though he doesn't know Jeff's tragic survival cannibalism backstory. Some of this actually turns sexual when Dave's like “what are you gonna do eat me?” And Jeff starts imaging overpowering him and breaking his arms before cutting him. They start secretly engaging in canibal role play and its exhilarating for jeff but he always gets the worst post nut clarity.

Eventually he panics and goes to Tom spilling what he's done and that he's a terrible person who abused mod privileges to get close to dave. Tom just tells him to chill out because like 90% of this forum is just fetish stuff and their both adults. So his thing with dave just continues and when he starts to get close to stamper and mic He considers telling them above dave.

He can't stop thinking about Dave, every single day he thinks about overpowering him, raping him, eating him. He doesn't even want to share the meat. He feels terrible. He doesn't want Dave to die because he's amusing, he does want to meet him though but has no idea if he'll be able to control himself.

(I'm very sleepy and get up in 6 hours so forgive me if this makes no since I wrote it quick in Google docs)

-I accidentally did something to my phone settings and I can't find emojis, this is the blue guy's hat/cap guy. My Tumblrs ijustwannatalk69 but I'll probably change it soon when I have time.

DUUUDE. IM JUST GONNA POST THIS. THIS IS GOOD. THIS IS GOOOOOD.

[probssomethingorother]

In the After: a last of us fic

sooo.... I have finally made it over to Tumblr so posting some of my AO3 fics. Here is my longest to kick things off, but more to come

post-episode 8 Silver Lake hurt/comfort

Ellie & Joel, canon compliant, #trauma

Rating: Mature - just for general darkness nothing super explicit

The bits we didn't see in Silver Lake and what comes after, moment by moment. For all those looking for those fics, this is a very long winter aftermath story. Lots of chapters and lots of feels, and, hopefully, lots of heart achey Joel and Ellie moments to scratch that post-episode 8 itch.

chp 1 | chp 2 | chp 3 | chp 4 | chp 5 | chp 6 | chp 7 | chp 8 | chp 9 | chp 10 | chp 11 | chp 12 | chp 13 |

(or just the whole fic )

~65k words and on going :)

Chapter 1 below for those that want to take this one for a test ride :

Chapter 1:

The meat cleaver fell from her hands to the floor with a muffled clatter. Her gaze lowered to where it lay in a growing pool of blood that was staining the carpet. It struck her as odd, perhaps even rude, that the cleaver did not make a more metallic sharp clang as it hit the floor - it had felt so heavy in her hands moments ago. She yearned for that sound, for the clatter to act as some ending punctuation to what she had just done, but instead, she got a dull thud that blended in with the cracking and deep creaking of the burning restaurant. 

Ellie struggled to detach herself from David's corpse, stumbling over his legs as she stood up. Annoyance and anger peaked inside her for a second as if he had purposefully meant to trip her. 

Asshole. 

She caught herself and stood tall - well perhaps not tall, but she was on her own two feet. A deep cough rolled through her chest as her body tried to expel the smoke she had been inhaling over the last several minutes. The cough exacerbated a deep pounding in her head, her chest and brain matching each other beat for beat. Her eyes darted around, assessing which exit was still manageable in the growing flames. Ellie spotted a set of doors near the back kitchen where she once hid from David and instinctively, she took a step forward, finally turning away from what she had done. 

She had scuffled along barely a few steps before it dawned on her. 

Keys…Keys. They’re going to be fucking locked. 

Her movements halted with the realization. Begrudgingly, she turned around, her body sagging with exhaustion, every muscle feeling heavy and unresponsive. Her shoulders slumped forward while her head craned slightly back to rest against her neck, and her arms hung limply at her sides as if they were nothing but dead weight. She swayed unsteadily as she looked at David’s mangled body laying on the floor a few feet away, both the turn and the sight of making the world spin around her momentarily. Every inch of her both wanted to run and stay completely still at the same time. Ellie didn’t want to have to deal with this, all of this, anymore. If there was something more than exhaustion, she was getting there. Would that be death?

What a mess. It was an emotionless hollow thought. 

She blinked slowly and stared, and inhaled, her breath hitching with another racking cough. David had the keys last, and now they would be somewhere in the pieces of him. 

Pieces of him. The thought echoed in her skull. If she wasn’t so concussed (and traumatized) to think more clearly, the irony of it all would have probably made Ellie chuckle. She loved that sort of dark humor shit. The man that had chopped people to bits was now in pieces on the floor of a steakhouse. 

What a piece of shit.  

Ellie took a step forward and gave David’s arm a weary kick, making sure he was truly gone and not going to reach out and take her again. It was silly, she could see his brain on the carpet, but there was a deep-seated fear that he would rise, just like an infected, and kill her in revenge. After all, he said he wasn’t dying today. When nothing came of her kick, she plopped down on her knees beside him, the action rather clumsy with the little energy her body stored. 

Her shaky hands made their way to David’s belt line. With two fingers, she pulled up his sweater and then promptly diverted her gaze to the floor, trying to find the keys without looking at the rest of him.  Ellie hoped her fingers would just magically find the ring, but of course, that was not going to happen. Slowly, she peeled her eyes off the carpet and looked at his midsection. Bile rose in her throat when she saw his state of undress. David’s pant button was undone, his zipper was down, and his plaid boxers were peaking out from underneath his jeans. She had felt the pressure of his body on top of hers, felt his hand haphazardly search and rip off her own button, and had felt the wickedness of his smile that he wielded as if it was a weapon in its own right. She had felt all of that, but seeing the physical evidence of what was to come if David had just another moment or two was deeply disconcerting.

Unfortunately, there was something more disconcerting. The key link was not clipped to his belt loop like before. Panic rose in Ellie. 

no. no. no. no. no. NO

Her hands quickly moved from David’s pants and searched the floor beside him, frantically patting at the ground. They must have dropped during his slaughter, or perhaps even before when he had pinned his body against hers. Her frenzied hands brushed against the cleaver,  pushing it away as if it was somehow obscuring the keys. The blade caught the side of her hand, the sting of a small slice causing her hand to retract immediately. The keys weren’t under it anyway.  

Ellie’s head whipped around, eyes darting to search the floor closer to the table behind her. Had it always been that close? It felt so far away when she had been crawling to it before…

A sudden creak and crash made Ellie flinch, her shoulders contracting to her ears as her body was jolted with fear by the sudden loud sound. A few feet away a piece of wood fell to the floor in a shower of sparks, the beam slowly disintegrating into ash as the hot growing flames engulfed it. Ellie became mesmerized by the dancing licks of fire that rose from it, her brain slow to return to the task at hand. She was only jerked back to her search by a tight feeling in her throat as another set of coughs pushed their way out. 

Against the backdrop of the dreary carpet, something caught the light off the flames, illuminating it with a slightly ominous twinkle. She scooted herself away from David’s body, reaching out to grab it without hesitation. Her hand was already clasping the object when her lagging thoughts caught up to her actions, realizing it was much too small to be the keys. Ellie opened her hand to see something small and round, her jean button, and immediately dropped it to the floor as if it was about to burn a hole straight through her hand. Her breath hitched. 

The keys were the only way out and she needed out now. Desperately.

Where were they?

Ellie's eyes welled up with tears as exhaustion, anger, and frustration overwhelmed her, only further compounded by the stinging smoke filling the air. She squeezed her eyes shut, not only wanting some reprieve from the fire but also hoping it would muster some of the very little strength her body still held on to. She didn’t want to cry over a set of damn keys. Ellie tried to give herself a chance to think for a moment, but her head was so groggy, and all her thoughts were undercut but a deep feeling of loneliness. She was alone and nobody was going to solve this for her. She was going to burn alone. Die alone. Next to David.

Ellie felt a rising sense of regret. Maybe she should have just maimed him, at least then he could have told her where the fucking keys were.  

She shook the thoughts away. No, he deserved it. All of it. 

Ellie…

David’s chilling voice crept into her head and echoed loudly.  

Ellie..

Ellliiieee..

Beneath the haunting echo of David’s sing-songy calls was a faint jingling. Ellie had heard the keys rattle with each step David took as he preyed upon her. Surely, they were still with him. She crawled back over to David and inspected his belt again, touching each loop with trembling hands. She even pushed them under his lifeless body to check the back ones, but only found a growing pool of warm wet blood.

And then it dawned on her - his pockets. The bile from before rose again in her throat and she retched with what she was about to do. Ellie wasn’t normally squeamish, but the thought of touching David more than she already had was utterly disgusting. 

Fucking hell. 

She pushed into his right front pocket, and with a quiet whimper, she wiggled her hand deeper inside. There was a strange intimacy of it that Ellie worked hard to block out. His body was warm, and she tried to make herself believe that it was just the heat of the fiery room, but clearly, it was because death had not set into his body, having only killed him moments ago. Intrusively, the thought that he was still alive began to take hold in her mind once again, and the idea that he would be enjoying this, her touch, sent a shiver down her spine that made her body contort in repulsion. She pushed her hand deeper, sliding in past her wrist. (Why did men’s pockets have to be so deep?) 

Luckily, the unpleasant search didn’t have to last long as her hand found what it was looking for. The keys rattled as she tugged them free- a sound that quelled some of the anxiety that they once caused.

Without much thought, she rose from David and headed to the set of doors she had laid eyes on before, her body acting on autopilot. Reaching her destination, she stopped unsteadily, her body swaying in front of the exit. Ellie’s hands fumbled with choosing the right key, her eyes bleary and hands trembling. She had no idea which one would work, there were about 10, but she knew she didn’t have time to test them all. The smoke was getting thicker and the whole place felt like it was about to eat her alive, physically and emotionally. She wanted out. 

Her gaze flicked up to the door, scanning it quickly. There was a sense of familiarity about it, and then in a moment of clarity, she recognized it as resembling the gymnasium doors of her FEDRA school. A burst of energy surged through her body, causing her hands to shake even more as she rummaged for the small hex key amidst the cluster. A stray nonsensical thought appeared in her head, was it a PT day today for the FEDRA kids? 

It lingered for a brief moment before disappearing as quickly as it came.

Despite her jerky movements, she miraculously found the key and slid it into the tiny lock on her first attempt. With a newfound urgency, she pressed down on the handle and pushed the door with all the strength she had left. As it swung open, Ellie was hit with both a blast of cold air from the front and a wave of hot air from the back, the smoke itself also trying to escape the horrors of inside.

Fucking Finally.

Ellie's breaths came in deep gasps as she distanced herself from the building. Her gaze fixated on the sky and tree-line, finding solace in their dreary colors after witnessing so much red just moments before - the blood, the fire, her rage. Her arms ached and felt heavy as if they were trying to pull her down to the ground. Exhaustion seeped into her bones, and the cold air bit at her skin, almost becoming painful. She had no destination in mind, yet her body propelled her forward instinctively. Ellie's mind was a blur, barely able to form any tangible thoughts. She welcomed the sensation of emptiness though, grateful to be free from the constant anxiety-ridden fight for survival that had consumed her over the last hours.

However, just as she began to find some comfort in her detachment, it was abruptly stomped out when she was suddenly grabbed from behind. Her guttural reaction was a desperate scream, startling not only the man who had taken hold of her, but also herself. She pushed away as best as she could, but his arms held her tightly in place. 

“NO! GET OFF OF ME. NOO!” Ellie wailed. 

The person flipped her around, but she didn’t want to look fearing she would somehow see David, or James, or any of the other men from the day. Her eyes stayed shut as she raised her arms to push him away, but he had those in his grips too. 

“GET OFF!” She bellowed, trying to pull away one last time. 

I can’t do this again. And for a moment, she gave up. Her knees buckled and her body began to sink toward the ground. The man swiftly hoisted her back up, not even granting her the satisfaction of some rest before what she thought for sure was going to be her end this time. 

It wasn’t fair, why couldn’t they just leave her alone?

…No one fights this hard to stay alive.

David’s voice crashed through her exhaustion and ignited a small spark of rage. She didn’t want to give up even if she barely had anything left in her to keep going. She was going to go down fighting. 

With her eyes still shut, Ellie pounded weekly against the man's chest, gruff breaths escaping her with each pitiful hit. He was saying something, but the rushing sound of pure adrenaline was the only thing to register in her ears. Despite her fear, Ellie forced her eyes open and was taken aback by the raggedy appearance of the man she was being held by. Her arms continued to pound into him as she studied his face. It wasn’t David, it wasn’t James, and it wasn’t one of the other men.

Joel?  

…but Joel is dead. 

She didn’t know when she had come to that conclusion, but it was in her head, and it was hard to reconcile it with the man clearly standing in front of her. 

“Look it's me.” Joel grabbed Ellie’s face and cradled it in between his rough, cold hands. “It’s me,” he said softly, not trying to spook her further. He swore he could feel her heartbeat, a fast and steady thumping, through the palm of his hand as he grasped her small face. Joel’s stomach dropped to his feet, feeling an immense amount of guilt as if he had somehow hurt her. The way she had been screaming and thrashing moments before made him terrified in a way he didn’t know was possible. He thought the soul-consuming fear he had felt when tracking her down would have dissipated once he found her, but instead, it had just transformed into something new. A potent sense of dread began to set into Joel as he watched Ellie’s eyes map his face, the girl clearly struggling to recognize him. 

Does that mean I’m dead? Ellie briefly thought. 

As she contemplated her own existence, her fists slowly released their tension and found their way to Joel’s coat collar, grabbing hold of it to make sure he was truly there. As much as she tried to keep them in, soft cries escaped her lips as she couldn't rein in the overwhelming emotions any longer.

“It’s okay,” Joel said softly again, practically a whisper- one of his hands slowly leaving Ellie’s face and trailing down to rest atop her shoulder. Ellie’s expression would surely haunt Joel for some time to come. Her eyes were wild and hollow at the same time, mixed with pure fear and sorrow. Joel couldn’t even comprehend how her face could hold some much and so little emotion at the same time.

“He……but I” her words came out in broken mumbles, failing to form coherent thoughts as she pushed into his chest. 

He made me think you were dead. 

He said I was alone. 

He was going to kill me.  

But I stopped him.  

But I’m okay.

Ellie needed to feel his embrace- not that she ever really had before, but she knew it was what she wanted. She was scared and Joel always made her feel a little less scared. David had made her think that security had been taken away, that he was another tally of the dead, but now he was here. Right here. Holding her. She wasn’t alone. 

“It's okay. It’s okay, baby girl,” Joel said grasping her as tightly as possible. He hadn’t called anyone baby girl since Sarah, but it had escaped from his mouth without thought. He wasn’t mad, but he wasn’t certain that’s what he really wanted to be saying either. It felt right, but it also felt like a betrayal to her, and to Sarah. Like calling Ellie his girl was going to get her killed, a reality he could not face again.

“I got you.” A wave of relief flushed down Joel’s body, yet at the same time, his heart felt like it was being stabbed with each one of Ellie’s muffled whimpers. “I got you,” he said softer than the last. The conflicting emotions battled for dominance inside him, his brow furrowing as a familiar panic crept its way into the mix.   

What had they done to her? What did he let them do to her?

Joel made the choice to end the embrace, gently pushing Ellie away. He kept one hand firmly on her arm, afraid she might crumble if he didn't hold her steady. His eyes scanned her body quickly making sure that there were no obvious major injuries. Flecks of blood splattered her face and shirt, and a trail of blood marked her profile from her nose to her chin. Her hair was disheveled, barely holding shape in its ponytail, and she was shivering, her coat and jacket gone. He released his hand, dropped their backpacks and the rifle to the ground, and wiggled off his coat. 

She must be freezing. I can fix that.

The shivers that rolled through Ellie’s body certainly could have been caused by the elements, but in actuality, it was just the adrenaline coursing through her. Ellie was drowning in it, feeling both raw and completely drained, each tremble a physical manifestation of her inner self struggling to emerge and do something, anything. Her body hadn’t quite got the message that it was no longer in a fight for survival. 

Ellie couldn’t take her eyes off Joel. She had a hard time believing he wasn’t a ghost about to dissipate into the snowy air and leave her again. The thought of them both drifting off into oblivion flashed through her mind, but when Joel draped his bulky jacket over her meek form, it pulled her back to the present moment. The weighty coat felt reassuringly solid, grounding her to reality, and she knew he would not be leaving her again.

I’m alive. Joel’s alive. David is dead.

The statements gradually formed in her mind, struggling to break through a thick fog. Her brain felt sluggish, and even the simplest of mental reassurances took a great effort to produce. A woeful hum escaped from Ellie, failing to vocalize her thoughts out loud. 

“It’s okay, everything is going to be okay Ellie,” Joel said breathlessly as he leaned down to pick up their bags and rifle from the snow. A moan could be heard as he bent down, and Joel tried to stifle it, knowing he had to appear to be the strong one right now. He slung the rifle back over his shoulder, but his stitches pulled and ached with the motion. He decided to not do the same with the backpacks, and instead grasped them both by hand, even if inconvenient. He brushed off the radiating pain in his side and looked back to Ellie.

Joel caught her swaying ever so slightly when he righted himself, staring at him with a glassy dazed expression. All the fear that painted her face before was now gone and replaced with nothing- just lifelessness. He had seen Ellie sad, mad, frustrated, and even scared, but this was none of that. Joel turned her and nestled the teen into his side, readjusting his coat that slipped off her small frame. Just seconds ago, her eyes were fixed on him, but now they seemed disengaged as Joel maneuvered her around. As he moved her, one of Ellie's hands weakly and barely wriggled free from the fabric, her fingers twitching as if trying to grasp something intangible. Observing the unsteady movement, Joel swiftly handed Ellie her backpack. She accepted it listlessly, clutching it close to her chest. Although it seemed to pacify her, Joel couldn't help but wonder if perhaps she had been wanting a hand to hold, and had accidentally denied her that comfort. 

He wished she would say something, but Ellie was silent- so much so, that Joel would have questioned if she was even still breathing had it not been for the shallow breaths that escaped from her mouth and clouded the cold air. Mentally, he knew he was probably just seeing shock set into her, but in his heart, he deeply feared that something had broken inside of Ellie, and she was going to be practically catatonic like this forever. 

Joel ushered her forward, holding her close. Ellie sunk into his side, thankful she didn’t have to will her body to keep going on its own anymore. Joel too was thankful for the support, yet also felt guilty for using Ellie as a crutch more than he wanted to. In tandem, they moved forward, both silent. And while Joel’s eyes trained ahead to some unknown destination, Ellie stared absently down into the snow. 

She exhaled.

Holy fucking shit.

[colum1nd]

Ok I apologize in advance cuz I’m going to get disgustingly sappy in this post (and it will be very long) but..

Tccblr and tumblr in general has genuinely helped me come out of my shell a lot. In every other community I am or have been a part of, I’ve felt very isolated because I’ve always liked things that everyone thinks are weird and I’ve never been able to truly be myself.

I struggled with a relationship 2 years ago that ruined my life. She made me absolutely miserable. She was my best friend online and we had a lot of plans for the future in real life. She would pick fights with me for no real reason, saying that I talked about myself too much and that I didn’t listen to her. I was 14 and I didn’t know what the hell to do. I struggled with schizophrenic thoughts at that time very heavily because of her. She struggled a lot with suicidal thoughts and I had no idea how to handle that situation. I can’t say I handled it well. But I didn’t know what to do. I tried to end the relationship as gently as possible and she got extremely mad and ended up talking shit about me afterwards even though I said “I won’t talk shit about you if you won’t talk shit about me” and I reacted badly of course… but nonetheless the whole situation killed me. I know it probably hurt her as well and neither of us handled it correctly. Anyways.. basically it traumatized me so badly and I haven’t been able to have any close friends since.

But I feel like lately I’ve been able to be myself and actually talk to and interact with people. A lot of you are so nice and supportive and I have a lot in common with some of you. Before it seemed like it was just music but I feel like now it’s more than just that. A lot of the people I knew before kind of hid behind this mask of seeming nice and sweet and they ended up being really rude.

I had a period where I had absolutely no idea who I was. I didn’t know really what I liked or what I stood for. I also had a lot of mental breakdowns of feeling like I was going to die. I couldn’t sleep for months because I thought when I would go to sleep I would die of a heart problem. I thought my life was over. And I thought I would never be able to be comfortable with myself again.

And now I feel like I have a really good grasp on myself and I really actually am in a good place right now. And I would just like to thank you all for being so great not only to me but in general 🩷

[notsocheezy]

Brain Curd #94

Brain Curds are lightly edited flash fiction - practically first drafts - posted daily and sometimes written with the express intention of being terrible… but, you know, in an endearing way. Please enjoy.

Read the rest of Passable. here on Tumblr! This is the last part of episode one, so you'll want to be caught up to understand what's going on.

It was all very scientific, very controlled. Noah, the busboy, was blindfolded and tied to a wood chair naked from the waist down, right in the middle of the living room. Brayden was similarly nude, though he wore a very long shirt. That way, you - the studio audience - couldn’t see anything.

“Are we ready?” Brayden asked Alice.

“Yes,” she replied, “Everything is in position. I have the coin to flip, my notebook full of survey questions, and a pen to fill them in.”

Brayden gave her a thumbs-up. “Ready to part the red sea, Noah?”

“Y-yes. Yes!” The busboy replied, clearly eager to begin the research.

“Hold on,” Alice whispered. “You’re on your period?”

“Yeah,” Brayden replied. “Why do you think I’m so horny?”

Alice nodded. “Okay, I’ll need to add that to the procedure notes.”

She flipped a coin and showed it to Brayden. Tails. He gave a salute and proceeded to approach the test subject. Alice clicked her pen and watched intently.

~

Lily and Hazel walked through the hallway of the apartment building. Both laughed at whatever it was that one of them had said, but Lily had a lump in her throat. She was moments away from her first time with a cis woman.

“Anyway,” she said, trying to catch her breath. “I’m not sure if my roommates are here or not, but I’m sure we can get the bedroom to ourselves.” She pulled out the key and shakily inserted it into the lock, missing several times. Hazel gently helped her push it in.

“Hey,” she purred. “No need to be nervous. I won’t bite… unless you want me to.”

Lily released an awkward high-pitched squeal in response, nodded incoherently, and unlocked the door. It opened to reveal a disarming display: Brayden riding the loudly moaning busboy as Alice took notes on the whole thing.

“And how would you describe the sensation you’re feeling right now?” She asked, scribbling something on the page.

“Uh… uhaaahhhh…” The busboy replied.

“Come on, use your words!”

“What is going on here?” Hazel asked, seemingly more aroused than disgusted.

“Oh, uh… just ignore them.” Lily took Hazel’s hand and tried to lead her to the bedroom. “They’re experimenting.”

“Ha. I know all about that,” she said, refusing to take her eyes off the performance.

Lily let go of Hazel’s hand. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, you know… college dorms, sharing a room with other girls… we got curious. Who didn’t? Don’t worry though, nowadays I am one-hundred percent straight.”

“You’re… what?”

“I’m straight. Only into men now. It was a phase, that’s all. What’s the big deal?”

Lily rubbed her forehead. “If you’re only into men, why did you agree to go on a date with me?”

“Wait…” Hazel finally took her eyes away from the center of the living room and looked Lily up and down. “Are you… not a femboy?”

Lily wasn’t sure how to react to that question, so showed every emotion on her face all at once in a statue-like paralyzed expression.

The door opened and in walked Sarah and Peter. Sarah was mortified by what she saw, and Peter was too.

“What…” Peter stuttered. “What kind of sick pervert are you?!?”

The busboy moaned.

Sarah’s eyes went wide. “No, no, no, you don’t understand! I have nothing to do with this!”

“Ha!” Alice laughed performatively. “This was practically your idea, Sarah.”

“Thanks, Alice, thanks. Thanks a lot!”

“I don’t think I should be here…” Peter said, doing a sign of the cross as he backed away, panicking.

“I don’t either!” Hazel said, moving towards the door. She hid behind Peter, bracing herself against his body. “That horrible mannish woman tricked me into coming here!”

“Hey!” Lily yelled, incensed.

“Will you accompany me home?” Hazel asked Peter, appealing to his masculinity. “I don’t feel safe.”

“Sure,” he said, glaring at Sarah. The two walked away.

“That’s a cute nose ring,” Hazel said, as Sarah slammed the door behind her.

Sarah frowned at Lily. “Your reverse-trap stole my boyfriend.”

“Come on…” Lily said, thousand-yard-staring toward the sex act in the middle of the room. “He wasn’t really your boyfriend.”

“Yeah,” Alice added. “You didn’t even have sex.”

“We kissed!” Sarah sighed and shook her head. “He was Catholic anyway.”

Lily, Sarah, and Alice silently watched as Brayden continued to ride the busboy. Lily bit her lip and looked at the others.

“Do we have any more of that coffee?”

[alemonyoyo]

Reminders of the Princess <3

The petals are supposed to be reminiscent of Princess Kenny! So implied K2 I suppose, since i hardly ever draw for that ship-

Also I reverted back to an old style of lighting, it feels weird to use it again!

Finally, South Park art. I did it- I drew for South Park! You better like this, drawing in general has been really hard for me recently-

I tried some new things here. Rather than doing a full sketch of the drawing, I used brief guidelines and the last image (which normally would be my sketch) became my lineart. I think this made it look more fluid and dynamic, and less rigid and plain.

Art/General Rant- You don't have to read, I just need to get this out somehow-

Recently, I've been really, really unhappy with my art. I think if you've seen my posts often then it should be semi obvious. I don't exactly try to hid my distaste for it, though I know the whole world doesn't revolve around me, and it's not guaranteed that you've seen every self deprecating post about my art.

It's just very hard you know. I'm not all that old myself, but I'm definitely not young either, so nowadays, whenever I see people who I think have better art than I do, and they are younger than me, I can't help but just lose all motivation to ever continue. It's weird, because whenever the alternate happens, and I see gorgeous art created by people older than me, I only get more motivated to create and be like them. It's simple pettiness and feeling threatened that makes me feel the way I do about younger artists, and because of that, it's hard to feel fulfilled in my creations. Most of the time, I just block these artists. After all, it's better to stay out of conflict and jealousy, and blocking is the best way to do that. But some of these people are my friends who I have unfairly hinged a lot of my happiness on. And in turn, being around them in general, online or otherwise, makes me euphoric and both self hating all at once.

It's kinda for those reasons and more that I don't believe I have been truly happy as of recent. Like properly. If you asked me from 2 years ago how I felt, I'd say I was happy. Sure, I had *felt* sad but I wasn't *sad* overall. But now, ever since lockdown, this year at school, and everything mentioned above, this fact has flipped, and although I am capable of feeling happiness, it's in bursts shorter than what I need to keep going, and I've wanted to give up many times. Overall I'm sad my mood gets ruined, and drawing was once an outlet for whenever I felt this way, but for some reason my own expectations make me feel like it's no longer something for my frustrations, it's something I must be good at, but I'm not. I'm not good at it.

A broken record I might be, saying my art is bad. I'm sure it's annoying for the lovely people in my life who have told me otherwise, but from my perspective its all pitiable phrases said to ensure my esteem. I just can't believe it. And it feels worse hearing it weirdly enough. Which is so utterly stupid, and completely my fault for thinking that way.

A lot of this is due to my happiness hingeing on the many things which make me feel so bad, which makes my mood completely messed up and wild. Tumblr in itself is a big one for me. I am practically always on it if you've ever noticed, and the only time I'm not is when I'm asleep. It's one of the few things that gives me interaction, escapism and comfort. Yet it is also the source of a lot of my hatred, a teased negative passion, and jealousy. So I come on the sight, hoping to feel better, and only feel worse. So then I'll come back to the sight mere minutes later hoping to feel better.

And it's the same thing with many of my friends, who I talk till they're probably sick of me. I talk to them when I feel terrible, about whatever they want, but I always feel conscious that I talk about myself too much. And that and the factors above also contribute to this terrible feeling. I know in my heart they can't hate me, yet the lack of texting first and more convinces my heart otherwise. And so I have convinced myself that most people in general heat me for my overbearing nature and lack of development with my mental health, though I've tried to be better I don't know how.

I've tried to pursue things for better mental health, all things considered, I am one of the few people I know who has never reached out for proper help. Mostly because I have a brother who already does, and my family focuses on him and his problems more than me as I am the oldest, and although I communicate my struggles to them, they aren't really valued. And this lack of attention on that front makes me come on here and complain, yap my mouth like I'm doing right now to a vacant space. Make me hinge my happiness on people who have no idea I do so, and that every time their offline it makes me one inconvenience away from tears. I'm so weak now, I wish I could go back to pre-covid me.

Anyway back to art- I find no comfort in it, and its really hard to draw, especially for South Park. Recently, I've had a source of immense motivation for it (though, that will hopefully be revealed at a later date so stay tuned!) but drawing for it outside of that is quite difficult- I can't tell you what I hate about my art. I just do. I can't tell if it's the artstyle, the content, my technique and understanding, my posing etc. Which is why, if you have read this (insane- but I love you), please, just tell me what you hate about my art. It's really all I want to hear at this point, rather than people reassuring me my art is fine. Critique will help me get better after all- And it's easier to be harsh on people when online than it is to be nice (I'd know for sure heh) so go ahead. Please.

And thank you for reading,

[divinefireangel]

Hey there!!! Can you please write a smut on SF9 finding out their partner reading smuts 🥺🌝 (I want to see how dirty they can go🌝) And if you don't want to write for all of them then maybe you can just do it for any member you're comfortable to write on. Literally, ANY MEMBER WOULD WORK. I really want to read something like this haha🤭

Also, I genuinely love your writings! I'm new to Tumblr but I'm literally binge reading your posts. Gosh you're talented as fuck😫💗✨

Lots of love, and thank youuuu💕

OMG YES YES YES YES

TMI: Not gonna lie, I was thinking about this when my mom came into my room to talk to me, and my recent story was literally right there just open and I was panicking. Although she doesn't know anything 💀. She's cute like that, my mom.

You are so sweet anon 🥺🥺. Go on make me cry with your lovely words 😭. I will try my best to write more and sorry this took so long 💞💖 LOVE YOU 💓

S/O reads Smuts 🤭

Disclaimer: This is just a work of fiction. If this piece of fan fiction is offensive to any celebrity, fandom or culture please let me know so I can take it down. Also note that this is my version of a character or celeb, which will vary from person to person.

Copyright: Please note that this is my work and if you want to publish this on any other platform, take my permission before doing so. Taking an author's work and posting it somewhere else without any intimation is just disrespectful. I readily welcome suggestions and criticisms. That being said, Happy reading! 🤍

Warnings: 18+ ages and all readers (nothing specified with respect to gender, appearance, etc of reader). Rough sex (YB). Thigh riding (IS). Dick riding (JY). Marking. Biting. Humping. Dining table sex (DW). Low key strength kink? Idk (RW). Biting using teeth (ZH). Exhibitionism. Terrace sex (TY). Slight voyeurism. Oral - reader receiving (HY). Somehow I end up writing the filthiest things for Hwi. Cockwarming to sex (CH). It's really difficult to think of 9 different things for 9 different people😤. Also some may be unprotected sex, don't do it unless you want kids. Lmk if I need to add more!

Word Count: HAH jokes 😂

All members under the cut!

Youngbin

Doesn't understand at first 💀

But he isn't scared to ask so he'll just ask you

The panic on your face makes him panic

Apologizes 🥺

Then you explain that it's no big deal and that it's just a story

But he saw his name 💀💀💀

So he's curious and so he does research aka Googles it

Has a mixed reaction, doesn't know what to think

On one hand, he's flattered...?

Like, oh sweet, you are reading a story about him probably railing you to death

On the other hand, why are you reading it?

Did he not satisfy you enough? Should he do more? He wants to

So he will pick a random one, read it and be like, Okay. This is how it's gonna play tonight

So determined 🥺

Picks you up for your date and stuff

Timeskip to the bedroom by a steamed dumpling Dawon

So touchy and observant

Tries his best to remember what was in the story

Forgets but that's okay tho cause now he knows what you want

More Dom than usual

More vocal than usual

His grip on your skin leaves so many bruises and literal fingerprint shaped marks

Bites your neck a lot

Doesn't hold back one bit

Secretly satisfies his wishes too

Teases you for being so ready

Teases you for every reaction

Pulls your hair

Overstimulates you

Until you're tired and can't take it anymore

He could go for a round more

So he does

It's also like, he's lowkey angry at himself cause you were reading smut which made him think, maybe you thought he was too vanilla

But after you've both cooled down you ask him what happened and why he was so rough, not that you had a problem

Expresses his concerns and you tell him that you read those only cause you wanted to know what the fandom thinks of him and the way they think he likes to have sex

Blushy babyyyy

So cute 🥺

Inseong

Bro

Do I even need to 😂

He's probably written a few 💀

He seems like he's into roleplay 👀

So when he does find a tab open on your phone about literal PORN, in words

He doesn't think much of it tbh

But is curious

He'll tease you like you are both high schoolers

Holds you phone up high so you can't reach it

Satisfied when you whine and pout

Tucks your phone in his back pocket and grabs your face

" I think it's hot "

Peck's your lips and slaps your butt leaving you wide eyed

You need a minute to process what just happened lol

Running after him you pull him down on the couch, sitting on hids lap

Bite you lip and grab his face pls

Now he's wide eyed 😂

Kiss his neck and talk to him sexily

" Do you really like that I read smut? "

You look so innocent he would cum right there

Poor man is dumbfolded

So much that he doesn't even realize you were grinding down on his thigh the whole while

Grabbing your hips he nudges your hips to continue their movement

Loves having you so close

Especially after discovering your secret

Suck him off after and he'll do any and everything for you 😉

Jaeyoon

Oo this one is fun

He won't confront you immediately

He'll just think about it a lot

" How are they so cute when they read such things for fun? "

Stares at you from across the room

Smirks at your cute smiles

Timeskip this time by Baek Huru

Surprises you by kissing your neck

Humps your butt

Pecks you neck

Rolls your nipples in his fingers

Moans in your ear, deeply and hoarsely

Pulls away dragging you to the bed

Sits near the headboard

Beckons you to come closer and naked 👀

Forces your dick in you, slowly tho, don't worry

Doesn't give you a lot of time to react

But, all this seems familiar

Then you realize that he's trying to recreate the imagine you were reading before

The whole idea made you hot

Istg you've never finished so soon

He tells you that you don't need to read those stories when you have the real deal right there

Sanghyuk

Smug bastard

He's happy that you're thinking and reading about him even when he isn't with you

He will actually read the warnings and is mildly surprised lol

Wow you really into all that?

He has no shame so he will ask you directly

You stop doing what you're doing and just slowly turn towards him

He's scared lmao

Then explains himself and says sorry

Tbh, you're more shocked that he isn't angry

Blinking you slowly make him sit on the dining table chair

Pacing you start to think of and explanation now

Is there any explanation for reading smut? Idk 😂

Honestly, he asked you so that you could actually do what the warnings said in real life

Gets up, takes your hand pulling you close and lifts you, making you sit on the dining table

Removes his shirt before kissing you intensely

Tells you that he wants to fuck you on the table like in the smut

Nodding you let him take over

Makes you cum twice easily

It's more romantic than rough

Passionate, very passionate

Kisses you a lot

Hands on you all over you

Pulls you closer and closer by your thighs

Lays you down and fucks you till your back is no where on the table

Sweet reassuring smooches when you're done

Tells you to talk to him about such ideas rather than just reading them

Seokwoo

He is shocked™

Listen okay

He's tall

He's scared that he'll hurt you if he does what he wants without thinking

Reads multiple smuts 💀

Only the ones you've liked so far tho

Fuckin uses your account so yeah obviously

Now he'll be ready to talk to you about it

So shy omg

Stutters words out cause he's so flustered

You need to read his mind, literally

Once, somehow you are finally clear about what he was talking about

You'd just laugh at his cuteness

Boy is confused ??

Pushing him down on the bed you climb on top of him

Yes climb

Needy but still shy and shocked

Wastes no time in getting naked

Allows you to do whatever you want to him

No, really

Let's you take charge that is only until you tease him

Flips you and thrusts into you so hard the bed is shaking and you feel like it might break

Strong grips on your thighs and hips and belly and arms

Definitely sore for a few many days 💀

Juho

I'm not sure tbh

Either he won't care at all like

" Oh yeah this is just their thing "

Or he'd be so into it like hed wonder why you were reading it, was it for ideas?

He already has those so you don't need them from someone else

He won't ask you about it tho

But you will bring up an idea that was in one of them

And he's down

Or up, whichever you want

Asks you what you want more times than usual

But it doesn't make sense cause you're literally going crazy with the way his cock feels inside you and he asks you what you want?

Starts moving before you answer

Asks you again and again till all you can say out loud is " More "

He's fine with that answer

Hands above your head

Teeth scraping your the front of your throat drawing so many sounds from you

He's driving his dick in you so fast that you're moving away from him

Praises you with his deep ass voice

Gives you his Vampire stare™

That's all you need to cum undone

Keeps it a secret, won't ask you unless you bring up your little extracurricular activity 😌

Yoo Taeyang

SHY BABYYYYY

So pink when he realizes what you're reading lol

But he's so mesmerised that he goes on reading it 😂

You catch him looking at your phone, no big deal

But he's looking at it as though he saw a ghost

He's turned on but at the same time he's appalled

Do people see him like that? Do you want him to be that?

He's gonna need a lot of time to process the information

When you reassure him that he doesn't need to change anything at all, he's more calm then

But on a fine ass blue moon, his fine ass is gonna decide that he's gonna try something new

So there you are, on the terrace talking to someone on the phone. After ending the call he'll come and hug you from behind

It's all aww so cute till you feel his dick press into your butt

Forces your head back to rest on hius shoulder slowly but hotly

Unbuttons your jeans and pulls them down in one swift motion and his hands are all over you

Somehow the idea of having sex in the open night sky is so exciting

Stops just before you reach your high so that he can fuck you

You're leaning on the terrace wall

Face pressed slightly on it as your butt sticks out for him

Giving him permission to do anything to you

The orgasm hits you so fast but it's so fulfilling 🤤

And your pants are being pulled up even faster 💀

Maybe you should leave smut laying around

Youngkyun

You've found the saucuest lil smut about your boyfriend

He's sitting at the table, on his laptop composing and writing songs while you are here on the bed, blanket over your legs

Now see, you aren't really one to get off of smut but this particular one was so realistic

The description

The reaction

The dialogues

Reading it made you body move on instinct

Lower lip getting stck in your teeth

Hand travelling down to your privates

Your hips thrusting forward into your hand and fingers

Your breathy moans, that you tried your best to stick to, were louyd enough for him to hear

At first he thought you were doing a breathing practice or something

That is until he recognized the pattern

Lifting his blank phone up, he moved it to look at you through it

Boy is so shocked

It's like his own private porn show

Placing it back on the table gently, he moves the blanket slowly, getting under it

Licking his lips, he tucks his tongue out, licking the area that your fingers just slid over

Gasping at the sudden feeling you drop your phone and move your blanket off

You inevitably moan at the sinful sight below you

Your lovely boyfriend, looking up at you through his lashes, tongue coated with his saliva and your leaking juices

Holding your wrist, he nudges you to continue what you were doing, with his tongue never leaving you

Gripping your thighs, he bites your inner thigh as you work yourself closer to your high

After you cum, he'll lick off all your juices

Then he'll be all sweet asking you what you were reading

Round 2? 😉

Chanhee

He'll find it funny 💀

Why do people write these things

Why do people read these things

What is the use?

He is partly curious lol

When you tell him it stimulates the necessary regions, boy is shook

Then he's like nah

So you make him read one

He can't even make it halfway through lol

The foreplay itself made him hard enough to want you and to want to be in you

Grabs the phone and sits next to you

" I'm hard "

You look at him like boy what

Then he tell you that he now understood why people read them and that he's happy that people read them too help themselves

And you're like okay and what's the point

Pulls you on his lap

Whines at the feeling of to your butt on his arousal

Makes you stand now lol

Pulls his pants to his thighs and even yours

Places himself in you so that now when you sit on his lap again, not only is your back to his chest

Also his dick is in you

Somehow finishes the rest of the fic and just thrusts up into you

Cause you feel so heavently around him

Goes on and on and on till you're bouncing on his lap

Cums in you and just stays there till you finish your work

Still has mixed feeling now tho

Cause if reads them he wants you to be there near him and he wants to read more cause these fics are very addicting

[soranociel]

I’m sorry, I love you.

Genre : angst

Pairing : gojo satoru x reader

Word count : 1.4k

Warning(s) : Jujutsu Kaisen manga spoiler, mention of blood and injury, graphic description of wound, a little sad I think, grammatical errors maybe hehe.

A/N : This is the first ever writing I post to the internet! Please take it easy on me, tumblr peeps.

"So you're going alone?" your voice filled in the dark hallway of Jujutsu High, breaking the long silence as you walk beside your comrade, Gojo. You were on your way to the yard to meet your team in order to watch over Shibuya. Layers of curtains had bestowed upon the place, and the whole facility had to hold a meeting to discuss how they would handle the situation.

"Yeah, as they wanted," Gojo replied with a smile on his face, you could feel that he was more tense and serious than usual. How could he not? The group that had invaded Shibuya wanted him all by himself.

"Be careful," you glanced at him with the corner of your eyes, worries filled up your mind with graphic images of how things could go wrong. It wasn't that you didn't trust him and his power, you were scared of losing him.

Gojo let out a chuckle, his head turned to you with a smile plastered on his face. "Don't worry, I am the strongest," there he went again, rambling about he's the strongest though he was right, it was a little annoying to hear him say that. Like come on, he didn't have to rub that to everyone at all times, you thought to yourself.

"Now if you'll excuse me,"

"Satoru, I-"

You both had reached the end of the hallway to meet the cold breeze the weather had to offer. You wanted say something ahead of his departure, but before you could finish what you had to say, Gojo had vanished into the night, leaving you alone to stare up into the starry sky, praying to whatever higher entity that the man you just talked to would be safe.

Now all you could see was the same sky, except that there was no stars splattered all over it because you were under the curtain inside of Shibuya. Your eyes were half open, you could feel a light breeze over the side of your body as you move forward. It was the only thing you felt other than the immense pain on your head and shoulder, it was so intense that you almost felt like you went numb.

You tried your best to recall what had happened, trying progress with the consciousness you had left in your body.

Then it hit you. A flashing imagine of the man with patches on his body, which you believed was called Mahito, touched the side of your head. You were running beforehand, pushing Nobara out of the way of his range. Then you realised Mahito ended up pushing his palm against you, even then you tried to dodge him. Yet to no avail, your shoulder had gotten the same impact he had left on your head.

You couldn't remember anything else, except seeing two Kyoto students behind Yuuji before you collapsed into the ground. It was the buff student who called Yuuji his brother who had participated in the sister school event, and the other you had never seen before. But if you're not hallucinating, you're in his arms right now as he ran, while you could hear Nobara yelled before your eyes gave up on trying to open themselves.

"Can you run faster?!" the red-haired girl exclaimed, looking to her side with her breath short after running from the scene of her teacher trying to protect– or sacrifice herself for her. "I'm trying!" the boy shouted back without looking at her, his eyes focused on the empty street as his feet kept a steady pace. Nobara on the other hand, grimaced at the sight of you. You looked so awful that she could only give one look at you before keeping her head up, biting the inside of her mouth to keep her tears from falling down her cheeks. There was a small hole on the side of your head where Mahito had touched you, it was so deep and anyone with eyes could see your brain through it. And the bone on your shoulder was showing, the blood of it touched the ground like a broken faucet that can't stop the fall of small water drops.

_______

You slowly opened your eyes to see to see an unfamiliar ceiling, trying to recall the past that felt like a minute ago, yet the only thing clouding your mind was Gojo and the fact that he was sealed. You should've thought about anything else, really, but you just couldn't. All you felt was the agonising pain that wouldn’t stop eating at your entire being, and thinking there was no possibility where you can see him again. You wanted to look at how bad your injury were, but you couldn't. The ache had spread all over your body and you could only move your eyes and your trembling mouth.

A familiar palm moved above your head, it was Ieiri's hand trying to heal the wound that's been inflicted upon you. You felt like your ripped shoulder were stitching its skin all by itself, yet it was still painful, and the sting that ruled over your body overpowered the mending she had been trying to do to you.

"Te... S.. Sato.. I lo hi,"

Tell Satoru I love him.

That was what you were trying to say, but you were sure it did not come out that way. It was difficult to speak with your parted mouth and your barely moving tongue, it took so much effort for you just to say a part of his name. Yet you believed that Ieiri understood you. She was your best friend, after all.

She remembered how you cried when you had heard the news that a jujutsu sorcerer assassin had killed Gojo. All because you just couldn't imagine a world– or to live in a world where he's not around. He was like a seeping marker, painting the whole world with his teasy remarks and his full of pride personality. To some people, what he does might be seen as annoying, but to you, everything would become dull and colorless without him. You hated silence because then your intrusive thoughts would always be loud enough to disturb you. It would feel like you were in the dark tunnel with no way out, a loophole. Yet his loud voice ringing in your ears with a wide grin on his face, and his blue eyes peering through his sunglasses made you forget all your worries. Your heart would beat faster whenever he's around to say or do whatever and it would feel like spring in you heart. Flowers bloom and the sun gently giving its light upon whatever is on earth, you felt like your soul was alive and bright. Yet you would never admit your feelings. As much as you loved his behaviour, letting him know you liked him would only boost his ego. So all you did was pretending to hate him and all his actions, which was the total opposite of how you really felt.

She remembered too, how you reacted when you saw Gojo came back to life because of his reverse technique. You wanted to run and hug him, but he was just your upperclassman. Instead, you wrapped your arms around Ieiri's body so tightly and hid your crying face against her shoulder. She knew you loved him. Yet you still wouldn't disclose it in front of his face, and continued your play-pretend of disliking him.

Throwing him 'shut up's every time he opened his mouth, which you knew that wouldn't stop him and he would only speak more and you never really mind it. Ignoring him and saying no, knowing he wouldn't stop talking and bothering you until he get what he wanted. Murmuring your little 'i hate you's to him because you knew he'd be whining and denying that you didn't actually hate him, and of course he was right. Having to suppress a smile everytime he made a silly joke because you knew he would tease you and said that you actually liked it, and of course, you did. Rolling your eyes at his teasings because you knew he would keep going and it actually made you happy. You did all that to avoid your feelings, and you knew it was a hypocrisy because you only found yourself falling deeper as the time passes.

"Tell him that yourself," she stuttered, eyes twitching and her lips curved as she focused, trying her best effort to make sure you live to see another day.

A tear ran down the side of your face, at that point, you didn't know if it was because of the ache that started to strangle your throat as you struggled to breath, or the fact that you likely won't be able to do what Ieiri had wished you to do. To tell Gojo Satoru, that you love him.

I'm sorry, I love you.

[sunnysunoo]

Love Letters ; Sim Jake

Pairing: Jake X Reader

warnings: explicit language and cursing

word count: 3k words

genre: friends to lovers au! fluff with tiny pieces of crack lmao

Jake was always known for being this perfect guy in school. I mean, they're not wrong. They always described him as if he's this walking piece of art in the hallways. People would stop to just stare at him. You'd stare at him all day too, but you set priorities first: writing him love letters.

You're no Lara Jean, but I guess you can say that she's what inspired you to write Jake letters. Who needs Peter Kavinsky when Jake Shim exists anyways?

note: Not me completely disappearing off of tumblr for like months and then showing up again suddenly lol. I got really busy the past few months since I was completing requirements for school, and I really didn't have the motivation to do anything at the time so I took so time off to take care of myself first so I hope you understand :) But now since it's summer break, I am given at least 2 more months until I go back to school in August :)) Here's the long-awaited Jake imagine that I completely forgot about lmao hope you enjoy <3

P.S I finished writing this at 1:26 am so please excuse the really shitty plot and grammar ill rewrite it once i wake up

tag list: @cha-raena ( sorry for the rlly late post bestie )

Dear Jake, First of all, I will never call you Jaeyun because calling you by your English name makes me feel like I'm your friend. Calling you by your Korean name makes us feel like we're cold strangers to one another and I don't want that. I want us to be something more than that, but it's hard when you don't even know who I am. I'm surprised how you don't grow tired of me just dropping letters right into your locker every time you open it, and that's one of the things I love about you. You don't just throw away people's efforts and you treasure them with care. It makes my heart beat so fast as if I ran miles away from here.

We're already one year left until we graduate high school, and I don't want to end my high school years without you realizing my feelings for you. I know for sure that you would never reciprocate the feelings that I have towards you, so I want to treat this as closure in case we do forget about each other in the future. Yours truly,

Moon

__

"How is this person not over you? That's like the tenth one this month," Jay said, looking over Jake as he reads the letter from his secret admirer. Jake has always been receiving these letters from the same person everyday for the past four months. He's thankful for the letters because they definitely make his day better, knowing that there's someone out there who loves him as who he is regardless of looks. He's not gonna lie that these little notes and letters make his heart race too. "Do you have any plans with finding the person behind the letters?" Jay asked as he watches his best friend trying to hide the small smile that's been growing. No one really knows who this mysterious person is and why they decided to name themselves the moon, but we don't judge anyone in here. If they want to be the moon in their next life, then so be it. "I really want to find the person who's making these letters," Jake shoved the letter in his backpack, trying to not wrinkle it. "But I don't know where to start." "Who's finding who?" A voice popped suddenly beside the presence of the two boys. You leaned beside the locker beside Jake's, watching him as he grabs his books from his locker. "Did Moon drop your daily letter today again?" "They did as usual," Jake wasn't even surprised. He would expect the letters every time he enters the school in the morning. He would open his locker to see the usual small letter placed inside his locker. He usually arrives at seven or earlier, but he's surprised that he could never even catch a glance of this anonymous sender around the campus. "Should I go to school at five in the morning?" "Five in the morning? Isn't that a bit too early?" You questioned, followed by a shaky breath. "The school doesn't even open until six." "I could just walk to that nearby convenience store I always pass by to grab a coffee." He argues, closing his locker shut before walking towards his classroom.

You and Jay followed beside him, and you sneered under your breath, "You don't even wake up to your alarm clock."

"Why don't you even want me to go early anyway?" He glances as you try to give him an answer. But before you could say something, Jay replies first.

"You’re probably hiding something." He said. You rolled your eyes and narrowed your eyes at him. "You are so weird." You grunted, before walking ahead of them. You feel panicked because you were scared that you made yourself obvious to them.

__

You were inside your classroom sitting on your desk. There were only fifteen minutes left before lunch, but you had eaten your packed meal before instead of going to your school cafeteria. You were fidgeting in your place, conflicted about Jake finding his secret admirer, not knowing that it was you who's been sending him letters the past few months. You're not scared of him finding out that the letters were from you; that was the entire reason why you wrote him letters in the first place. You're scared of how he was gonna confront you about it. Would he like you back? Would he hate you? Would he avoid you?

Your mind was full of scenarios but you were suddenly brought back to reality when a hand planted itself on your desk. You look up and saw Jay standing in front of you, eating sushi with his other hand. His face kinda looks like he knows something, and it's freaking you out a bit.

"What?" You asked, suddenly flustered over how his eyes stared right into you. He took the seat in front of your desk and flipped it so it was facing you. He sat down and blurted the phrase that you were dreading to hear from anyone.

"So, you like Jake?"

You suddenly feel like punching him in the face with his sushi.

"What??" Your body felt like, and you were left a nervous mess. Your heart like it was going to pump right out of your chest any minute, and your hands started to sweat.

Jay's mouth formed into a smirk. He caught you. "Jake may be a bit oblivious, but I can totally see right through you."

“Haha...no you don’t,” You tried to deny, but it was all useless when his expression looked unconvinced.

“Oh yeah? Then why are you all red? You look like a bursting tomato.”

“You don’t know that," You leaned further into your seat, playing with the strings of your hoodie.

“C’mon Y/N, you’re not even trying. Just give up and admit it,” Jay was trying to help you confess your feelings for Jake. Frankly, he knew it was you sending him letters this whole time—how can Jake not see it?

With a heavy sigh, you slumped and laid your head on your desk, embarrassed. “Fine. I like him, okay? Are you happy now?”

The smirk on his face grew wider, feeling proud of himself. You are not dealing with his annoying crap this early in the morning. He grinned and munched on his half-eaten sushi. “I knew it.”

“Congratulations,” It was muffled because you hid your red face away from him. All that was on your mind now was how you could book yourself a flight all the way across the world.

“But seriously, since when did you have a crush on him?” You raised your head to face him, giving him a look that could kill, except Jay finds it entertaining rather than intimidating.

“I started having a crush on him when we were in fifth grade. It was at a friend's birthday party, and he saw me being all quiet and lonely. Honestly, I forgot who’s birthday that was.” You told him the very first time you had discovered feelings.

“He saw how sad I looked so he accompanied me the whole time. He was even trying to feel more included in the games and stuff.” You felt a smile ghosting on your lips as you can still vividly remember how you felt your heart tug the first time. “It was kinda like I fell in love at first sight.”

Jay faked a gag, so you lightly punched him in the shoulder. He may be a bit of an asshole, but he’s one the most caring and kind people you’ve ever met. It honestly felt good spilling out your feelings about Jake to him.

Speaking of, Jake was watching you two play around and laugh at Jay's little jokes from outside, and he felt something burning from inside him. Was it that he felt jealous of you and Jay?

No, he can’t be...right?

Maybe it was because of how he felt separated from you and Jay because of him being a separate class.

Yeah, maybe it's because of that.

__

Dear Jake,

I just had the most bizarre day today, and I felt like telling you about it.

It was chemistry period, and we had to be partnered with someone for a lab project. I ended up getting paired with Yeojin. We kinda created this unexpected friendship, which I love. We would crack jokes at each other, tell funny stories, it was so fun to be with her that we had completely forgotten about our project. So now, we both got a detention slip for making an accidental explosion.

How about you? How was your day? I hope it was just as fun as mine. If you feel like the day just wasn't as happy or you're feeling down, just now that it's okay to feel that way because days like these just lasts for 24 hours. It will be all over before you know it and you'll be greeted by another day. Maybe it will be different, and you would be all happy again just like how my day went. Maybe being with you would be my happiest day yet, and I couldn't wait for that day to come. See you soon :)

Love,

Moon

__

"Yeojin!" Jake called, seeing her walk down the opposite way. "Hey, mind if I ask you something?"

"Hey Jake," She greeted him with a smile. "Sure, go ahead."

"Could you perhaps give me any information about your partner in Chemistry?" He had hopes of getting any kind of description about his mysterious sender, but he was instead given a sad frown on Yeojin's face.

"Sorry Jake, but that person told me not to tell you about their information." She gave an apologetic smile. "I wish you all the best in finding them!"

Jake muttered a small "okay," and sighed before walking away, feeling defeated.

Yeojin knew that he was gonna ask about Moon the moment he called her from across the hall. She couldn't wait to tell you about this.

__

"Hey Y/N," A voice said from behind. You turned around to see Jake with his backup hung on his shoulder. He brought his hand up and raked his hair, and you felt your face grow red. Jake is like a gift from the gods. How can someone look so ethereal even if they're just standing there? You could stare at him all day. You couldn't even understand a thing he said until he started waving his hands in front of you.

"Hello?" You blinked multiple times as you were brought back out to reality. You saw Jake's face grow into concern. "Are you okay? spaced out."

"O-oh..No, I'm completely fine." You reassured him, feeling embarrassed. "What were you saying again?"

"I was asking you if you wanted to go to school with me early tomorrow."

Well, shit.

Your eyes started to go wide, and your hands started to go clammy.

"Tomorrow?" You repeated, voice trembling.

'Well, yeah." He pouted his lips, and you felt like melting into a small puddle in your place. Your heart started to pound heavily.

Oh my fucking god, he is so adorable.

"Okay, sure I can go with you tomorrow," You weakly smiled at him, slightly tense.

How we're you going to give him the letter now?

__

"Good Morning," Jake said as he watches you close the gates of your house. It was past five in the morning, and you were a mess.

"Morning," You replied back before running your fingers through your hair, getting rid of any flyaways.

As you started walking your way to the bus stop, Jake kept on glancing towards you from time to time. He knew you were pretty, but since when did you become really beautiful in his eyes?

The walk was pretty quiet, but it was a comfortable silence. For him, mostly.

Meanwhile, you couldn't stop freaking out. You had written a letter the night before, but you don't know how you were going to slip it into his locker without him taking notice. If he saw you, he would know.

"Are you sure you're okay? You've been like this since yesterday," Jake blurted. You looked at him before heaving a sigh.

"It's nothing," You mouthed, suddenly feeling anxious and gloomy.

"Something on your mind?"

"Something like that." It was hopeless. I guess he would have to miss this letter today. It was the first time you skipped a day, and you're feeling guilty that you would have to see Jake's face sadden that he wouldn't receive it today.

As you two stop at the bus stop, Jake looked slightly panicked as he was rummaging through the pockets of his blazer before looking through his bag. "Hey, do you have an extra pen? I left mine at home and I have a quiz today."

You snickered, "Out of all the days, Sim Jake. The same day you have a quiz is the same day you forget your pen."

"Very funny." He scoffed.

As you unzipped your bag to grab your pencil case, a folded piece of paper fell out without you realizing it. When Jake went to pick it up, he notices that it was folded the same way as the letters in his locker. It looked so identical.

Once you already got your pencil case out, you were about to hand it to him when you saw what he was holding that made your body freeze with your hand holding the case in the air.

"Why were one of my letters inside your bag?" He glanced at you, waiting for you to reply.

If you were freaking out before, this is a whole other thing. The thing that you were fearing the most is happening right before you.

"Maybe it fell into my bag yesterday..." You stammered, making up an excuse to look like it was an accident. You were tightly holding onto your pencil case, chanting many curse words in your head as you watch Jake unfold the letter.

"I don't think I've received this one yet," He said before he opened the letter and read it.

You watch as his expression formed into confusion as he reads through the paper. It only took a few moments before something in him clicked that it was you sending him the letters.

"Y/N," He began, and you started quivering in fear.

You should've known this would happen, but you didn't expect it to happen this sooner. In fact, you believed that this wouldn't happen at all. But it did.

"Let me explain," You eventually gave up and accepted fate and watch as your identity as "Moon" be revealed to your crush. You're now exposed so you didn't have any other choice but to explain everything. "Yes, I am Moon. I was the one writing you the letters that you've been getting in your locker."

Jake's face was unreadable. He looked bewildered and puzzled. He was trying to comprehend what was happening right now. All this time, it was you?

"I started crushing on you when we attended that birthday party before. I didn't want to confess my feelings for you because I was scared that you were going to harshly reject me, so I started writing down letters as a way to tell you how I feel about you without making you feel awkward around me." You continued, eyes suddenly taking an interest in your shoes. They were brand new too.

Jake was silent, and you felt your heart crack into pieces. You were mad at yourself for being so careless about it that he ended up finding out about you as his secret admirer. You wanted nothing else but to run back home, lock yourself in your room and cry with your sad playlist on loop.

You were expecting a harsh rejection coming from him, but what surprised was how he took dangerous steps towards you, minimizing the gap between you two. He placed his hand under your chin, forcing you to look up at him.

"I don't plan on rejecting you Y/N," You stare into his eyes as it reflects the sunlight of the early morning. "I'm actually happy that it was you."

You look at him, puzzled. He lowly chuckles under his breath before leaning over to place his lips against yours. It was a light, quick kiss, but it brought you feeling ecstatic. You've dreamed of this moment before, and now that it happened, you thanked your clumsiness.

As he pulled away, you were sure your face was a red mess.

"Thank you," His smile was as bright as the stars in the sky. It was the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. "Thank you for making me like I'm special to someone."

You felt flustered over his words. You were scared that he could hear the sound of your heart pounding loudly. The butterflies in your stomach were going wild, and you felt like this was all a dream.

"So, what am I to you now?" You broke into a smile as he grabs your hand, intertwining your fingers with his.

Jake acted as if he was thinking, "Hm..maybe my best friend still?"

He bursts into a fit of giggles as he sees your smile slowly disappear, replacing it with a look of disbelief. You removed your hand from his and walked at a faster pace away from him.

He ran to match your pace beside you before holding your hand again, "I'm sorry, I won't ever do that again. Is my girl mad at me?"

"Oh my god, it's only five-fifty, Jake." You too broke into laughter over his cheesiness, but your heart fluttered over the thought of Jake calling you his.

__

HERE’S A LITTLE BONUS! since I've made you guys wait for 4 months :(

"What the fuck?" Was the first thing You heard from Jay as you and Jake entered the classroom. All of your classmates were staring at your and his hands intertwined together.

Jay stood in front of you two, crossing his arms together. "Can one of you explain when this happened?" he motioned towards your linking hands. You and Jake smiled at each other before walking away, leaving Jay in a fit of joy, and confusion.

[tngrace]

Hold Onto Me

This is my Big Bang Fic for @911lsbb I had such fun writing it. I may not be active in the fandom right now (and honestly Idk if that will change in the future or not) I am very excited to get this posted. If it is my last 911 LS/Tarlos fic, just know there was a lot of love and hard work poured into it and I’m so very proud of it. 20K words below the cut

Artwork by the fabulous @reyeslonestar - Alex I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love these 2 pieces. So thank you from the bottom of my heart for making these 2 scenes come to life. 

Text dividers found on tumblr @poison-aesthetics

Read on A03; 911LS Masterlist

Summary: Carlos joins the Army instead of the Police Academy. TK becomes a baker instead of a firefighter. They happen to meet at a bakery in Austin; TK is a baker there, only been there a few months, when he meets Carlos who is home on a short leave. That chance meeting leads to a friendship that develops over texts and emails until Carlos is medically discharged from the Army. 

Tags: see below 

For as long as he could remember, Carlos Reyes wanted to be a cop when he grew up. He wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, but not exactly in them. He’d always looked up to his father, and his mother too if he was being honest. As he got older and discovered more of the world, he felt like he could do more for his community as a police officer instead of being a Texas Ranger. When he came out to his parents at seventeen, and nothing was ever said going forward, Carlos felt like he was a disappointment to them. He wasn’t even sure his father thought he would be a good cop after that, but he never let go of the dream. The day he realized his dad thought he was “too soft” to be a cop almost crushed him; however, he promised his mom he would attempt community college to see if anything else would stick or if he would continue on to the police academy without his dad’s support.

He felt like he hid so much of himself already, he didn’t want to give up on his dream. He didn’t want to disappoint his parents any more than he thought he had, so he looked for a compromise. He tried classes for one year, but he wasn’t happy. The classes he was taking felt pointless, and it wasn’t anything that interested him as he couldn’t start in criminal justice classes until he got most of the basics out of the way. Unfortunately, he had not been like some of his fellow high school students that took some of their entry level college classes their junior and senior years. College felt like a never-ending chore, and by the end of his first semester, he was looking for a way out.

Every couple of weeks he would see military recruiters around campus, but it wasn’t until some of them actually stopped him a few weeks into his second semester that he considered what they were offering. The two Sergeants shared their stories and their mission, and their words really resonated with Carlos. The whole time all he could think was maybe this was finally the thing that would make his dad proud, would “toughen him up” so he could be a good police officer if he still wanted that once he was out. His mama cried when he told them he’d enlisted for five years, and his dad never said a word. Carlos wasn’t sure disappointment was the word to use to describe how their reactions made him feel, but he was following this through with or without their approval.

He was stationed at Fort Benning after ten weeks of basic training. Training was tough, but he didn’t mind it and he excelled at it thanks to his years working the ranch. He wrote to his parents and his sisters as much as possible, and his mom always sent letters and care packages back. He knew she missed him, but he finally felt like he was somewhere he belonged, somewhere where he was going to make a difference. 

Being stateside was different and not exactly what he was expecting when he joined up, but it also wasn’t bad. He was able to complete specialist training while at base, as well as make friends within his unit. It was more relaxed than basic, but they still had training exercises to keep them in top shape. He and a guy named Colton from North Carolina became really close friends, connecting over their southern roots and families. Colton was the wild to Carlos’s tame, but they were almost inseparable around base and really balanced each other out. The unit had nicknamed them double C, and the boys rolled with it, finding it funny. 

TK Strand fell in love with baking when he was eight years old. Gwyn let him help make cookies and cakes when he was feeling down after the divorce was final. It was a way for them to bond and a way for her to keep his mind off his dad not showing up. The first time he went to rehab at fifteen, he didn’t really take it seriously. He did what he was supposed to do to go home, and for a few months after he got out, he stayed clean. But he didn’t connect with the therapist, and as soon as his parents went back to their normal ways, so did he. 

The news of their first deployment came at the end of Carlos’s first official year in the Army. They were given leave to return home before they deployed out, and Carlos was able to spend Christmas with his family. He broke the news as soon as he was home, wanting to get it out of the way. His mama cried once more, and his dad told him to be careful and come home. Carlos wasn’t sure if they were proud of him or not, but he felt like they might be. He wasn’t sure what deployment would be like, but he felt ready for it. The first week in January 2016 he deployed with his unit to Afghanistan for six months. 

The second time he went, at seventeen almost eighteen, he was paired with a therapist he really connected with once he was released from rehab. He shares more than he ever initially intended to with her; in one of his sessions, he even shares how baking was when he felt most connected with his mother and actually had her attention. He shares how he thinks he must go to the fire academy when he graduates so he can have his father’s attention and be connected to him. They explore more than TK ever thought could be possible, and he learns a lot about himself and why he makes some of the decisions he does. 

He feels like he’s at loose ends once graduation and summer break hit. He’s waiting on his application to be processed for the fire academy, but he’s not sure he’ll get in with his two stints in rehab. He shares these feelings with his therapist, and she makes some suggestions for hobbies to keep him occupied. One of her suggestions is some culinary classes since he seemed to really like baking. TK isn’t so sure about it - it doesn’t seem like something his parents would be proud of him for, but he agrees to look into it. He doesn’t tell his parents; his mom is away on a case, and his dad keeps promising he’s a shoo in for the fire academy. He and a random date go to a couples cooking class one night at TK’s suggestion so he can get a feel of what it would be like, and TK really enjoys it more than he thought he would. The date doesn’t go anywhere, and TK is surprisingly ok with it, focused more on how the class left him feeling. 

He decides to apply to culinary school in the city just to see what happens. He keeps this from his parents as well, only telling Enzo when Enzo finds the school information in his room. Enzo encourages him to pursue it, promising that he will keep it to himself, until TK wants to tell his parents. TK appreciates how Enzo listens and respects him, and he’s the first person TK tells when he gets accepted. He doesn’t pick a specialty, electing to take classes in everything. He loves baking, but he wants to expand and push himself into learning everything. His parent’s take the news better than he expected, TK wondering if Enzo talked to them after all; TK excels at culinary school, ending at the top of his class. His therapist is really proud of him as well, and TK learns to be proud of himself. 

When it comes time for his internship, he picks a NYC restaurant from the list presented to them. It ends up being fancier than he expected, and while it’s challenging and pushes him to do his best, it’s too fancy for him. Before his internship is over, he’s already looking forward to where he wants to go next. He’d gotten accepted to the fire academy halfway through his courses, but that doesn’t feel like the right fit anymore. He meets Derek in the middle of his internship, and Derek seems like the perfect fit in his life. They have a lot in common, and they just seem to click. Derek accepts him, past and all, and TK falls quickly. 

Once his internship is up, he ends up bouncing around some restaurants in NYC. He doesn’t find one that makes him really happy, so he gets a second job at a local bakery he loves. It’s not a permanent position though, so TK keeps trying in actual restaurants. TK feels Derek pulling away the more unhappy TK becomes with work, the more he switches jobs, and eventually he learns that Derek has been seeing other people behind his back. He’s crushed; he truly thought Derek might be the one. The day he moves back into his dad’s apartment, he learns his mom and Enzo are splitting, his dad has a new girlfriend that he doesn't like, and he just quit the third restaurant he’d been at since his internship. He books an emergency session with his therapist the day after he finds out because he doesn’t trust himself. Instead of dwelling on his spiraling life, he spends the night looking for another job, preferably a bakery position, but this time he doesn’t limit himself to just NYC. 

When he shares this with his therapist the next day, he’s not surprised when she agrees that maybe getting out of the city is what he needs. He tells her everything, not holding back because he trusts her, and she reminds him how he’s made the right decisions and she’s proud of him. His parents don’t take the news all that well when he tells them he’s taking a bakery position in Austin, TX, but they understand his need to get out of the city and support him because they see he is making healthy decisions instead of unhealthy ones. TK made the move to Austin at the beginning of 2016 just after his twentieth birthday.  

TK found an apartment in Austin and settled in at the bakery. Life was definitely different in Texas, and it took him some time adjusting. The bakery was nice, but it didn’t feel like the right fit. He’d signed a six-month contract though, so he was sticking it out. It took him a little while to make some friends, but once he did, he felt more settled. He met Marjan and Paul when they became regulars at the bakery. It was near their fire station, and they came in a lot before and after shift for coffees. They’d clicked right away once they got to talking, and they were the ones to show him around town. 

They were also the one to introduce him to Grace and Judd Ryder, knowing TK would click with her over their love of baking. Grace and TK were instant friends, and Judd saw him as a little brother that needed some protecting. Grace showed TK around her bakery, and it felt more like home. He worked out his six-month contract, and then moved over to Grace’s bakery. They got along so well, TK made friends with the usuals, and it boosted his confidence when Grace let him bake things. 

Everyone watched TK flourish, even his parents were impressed with how well he was doing. Of course, he still had some rough days, still battled his addiction, still went to meetings when things got to be too much, and still met with a therapist every couple of weeks, but he never felt happier. He finally felt like his life was going in the right direction and that he would be ok. Sure, he missed having a partner, but it felt nice to actually focus on himself and grow his life, and in time he knew he’d find the one. 

Carlos’s first deployment was a major eye opener. It was a lot rougher than he expected, they lost more people than he expected, Carlos had to kill more people than he expected. He felt like a changed person when they returned to Fort Benning. Colton noticed it too, and he did his best to help Carlos cope. If it wasn’t for Colt, Carlos doesn’t know what he would’ve been like. They were stateside for two months before they were sent right back. 

Because they were such a dynamic duo, their superiors sent them through a crash course of sniper training before they were redeployed. They continued their training once arriving at Bagram, and by their first mission, Carlos was considered a top Sniper. He and Colton ended up in less dangerous situations this way, but it still stayed with Carlos all the deaths he had a hand in even though he understood why it had to happen. If it wasn’t for Colton and all their long talks, Carlos isn’t sure what state his head would be in. When news came at the end of December of their return stateside, he felt grateful. They were back in Georgia by the first of January and were promised two weeks of leave after a week of debriefing. Carlos was glad to be going home.

He’d spent all of the first week and the majority of the second hiding out at the ranch. He enjoyed the peacefulness of the ranch and not having to think about anything or anyone. He didn’t have to think about the things he’d seen and done overseas. He can just forget about it and get lost in the routine of living and working on the ranch. Colton still checked in via phone calls and texts, and Carlos was grateful for his best friend more than he could ever express. His mom was glad to have him home since he’d missed the holidays, and he wasn’t complaining about all the spoiling she was doing. He’d definitely missed her cooking and it was much better than Army food. 

But his sister called yesterday and said she wanted to meet him in town. It’d been almost two years since he’d seen her; their schedules never lined up when he had leave. He’d seen his oldest sister on several different occasions, but not his middle sister. So, he agreed and asked where she wanted to meet. She suggested one of the bakeries in town wanting to indulge his sweet tooth, and he’d easily agreed. 

It’d been a while since he’d been to this particular bakery, so he was looking forward to it. He beat his sister there, which wasn’t unusual, so he grabbed a table to wait on her. He texts her repeatedly after their agreed upon meeting time as the minutes kept ticking by and she still wasn’t there. He knew sometimes she lost track of time, but usually she would at least answer him with an excuse. It was a little unnerving that she wasn’t answering, but he also wasn’t sure he wasn’t overreacting based on his background. The bakery was mostly empty, and he didn’t see anyone he recognized, but he still felt uncomfortable just sitting there by himself. 

TK’s mom and Enzo, who had finally worked out their differences and gotten back together after TK moved to Austin, had been in town visiting, and it was their last day. Unfortunately, he was stuck at work, but they had agreed to stop by and say goodbye before they left. He loved his job, and his boss was amazing, so when they showed up, he took his lunch break early to enjoy some pastries with them at Grace’s insistence. They were just saying goodbye when he noticed the guy in the corner. He was very good looking, clean cut, dressed in army fatigue pants and a tan t-shirt, but he looked really upset. TK could sympathize, assuming the guy was being stood-up on a date. 

The bakery wasn't busy this time of the day. The breakfast crowd had already been through, and the after work crowd wouldn’t be in for a couple more hours. It was quiet, with just a few older people sitting in a corner so the poor guy stood out. Once he saw his mom and Enzo off with plenty of hugs and promises to see each other soon, he went over to check on the guy.  

“Hi,” TK said, walking up to the table. 

“Hi,” Carlos said looking up from his phone. The smile froze on his lips when he looked into the most gorgeous green eyes he’d ever seen. 

“Everything ok?” At Carlos’s confused face TK remembered he left his apron behind the counter, so the guy had no way of knowing he worked there just by looking at him. “I noticed you looked a little upset and wanted to make sure everything was ok with your order,” he clarified. 

“Oh. I haven't even ordered yet,” Carlos offered with a sheepish smile when he realized TK worked there. 

“Oh.” TK seemed just as flustered as Carlos now.  

“Yea, I was waiting on my sister, but she’s really late and not answering me now. We... uh... It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, and I don't know what’s up with her,” Carlos sighs. 

TK lets out a soft chuckle at himself for totally misreading the situation. “I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you,” TK said when he noticed Carlos’s confused face. “I just realized how bad I totally misread this situation. First, I thought something was wrong with your order. Then I was afraid a date was standing you up and I was going to offer my sympathies as the last blind date I went on, the dude didn’t even bother to show up.”

Carlos was silent for longer than was necessary as the information that this handsome guy was also gay. He wasn’t used to people being so open about it in Texas, and he definitely wasn’t used to being hit on in public, thus his silence.  “I... should,” TK gestured back towards the kitchen and counter when Carlos didn’t say anything more. 

“Oh right,” Carlos says, snapping out of his daze. “Of course. Thank you for checking on me though. That was very kind.” 

“Gotta make sure my food is good enough that everyone is happy,” TK shrugs with a grin

“Wait. Your food?” Carlos didn’t remember Sophia mentioning anything about the Ryder’s selling the bakery, but maybe he just missed it somewhere while he was away.

“Yea. I’m one of the bakers here. I had a temporary position at another bakery here in Austin after culinary school and fell in love with the city. Once that was up, I found the position here and couldn’t pass it up. I've been here at this bakery for a couple of months, but the boss lets me bake quite a few of my own recipes along with hers.  I like cooking, but baking is my passion,” he smiles. 

“Well, what do you recommend I get? Since it doesn't look like my sister is going to show. I might as well try something while I'm here.” Carlos’s smile was blinding, and TK was rendered speechless for a moment.

“Oh. Well, anything you get will be good,” he laughed. 

“So humble,” Carlos smirked. He followed TK up to the counter and glanced over the menu and in the cases. He ended up ordering a coffee, a banana nut muffin and a chocolate eclair. 

“You’ll have to let me know what you think,” TK winks as he passes the plate to Carlos. “I’ll be back out in a bit. If you need anything, hollar.” 

Carlos gave him a smile as he took the food and coffee over to his table. He sent his sister another text calling her names in Spanish before he dug into the banana nut muffin first. The muffin was soft and moist, and honestly one of the best muffins he’d ever had. Especially since he’d joined the army. He did his best to muffle his moan as he kept eating it. He’d picked foods TK had specifically baked so he could report back when TK checked on him later, but he wasn’t sure words would do this justice. 

His sister finally responded to what seemed like a thousand texts he’d sent her.

Sorry Carlitos, got held up at the courthouse. I'm on my way. Have you met TK yet?

Carlos was going to kill her. She’d set him up and he didn’t even realize it. While his parents never really addressed his sexuality, his sisters embraced it and wanted to see him happy. But they’d never tried setting him before, always respecting his boundaries. He had no idea why Sophia was trying now, and he wasn’t as upset as he thought he’d be, but he was still annoyed with her.

Yes. No thanks to you. We talked for a few. He thought I was being stood up which I kinda was. See you soon. You're ordering your own food.

Carlos huffed as he pocketed his phone and swirled some of his coffee. He’d taken to drinking it straight black since he joined the army, but he still swirled it occasionally as if he was mixing creamer in. TK came back out as Carlos was fixing to take a bite of his éclair. “Well?” he asks, pulling out the chair across from Carlos. 

“Hmmmmm,” Carlos pretended to think to tease TK. 

“Oh stop it. The muffin is gone and you look like you could devour that éclair,” TK smirked. 

“I will admit. That was probably the best muffin I'd ever had. Don’t tell my mother I said that though.” 

“No worries. Secrets are safe with me,” TK laughed. He was practically beaming at Carlos’s praise of his food though. “So is your sister coming?” TK eventually asked. 

“Yea, supposedly. Said she got held up at the courthouse. I think she was just trying to set me up subtly though.” 

“Oh yea? Doesn’t look like it worked,” TK chuckled, looking around the bakery seeing only the older people still in their corner. 

Carlos blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Yea about that…. Apparently, it was you she was subtly trying to set me up with. She specifically asked if I’d met you.” 

“Me???” TK’s confused face was adorable. “Wait. Who’s your sister?” 

Carlos let out a sigh, which made TK laugh. “Sophia Reyes Lopez, Austin’s top public defender.” 

“Oooohhh.” TK’s face was priceless. Carlos started to apologize for his sister, but TK continued. “Wait you must be the and I quote ‘hot brother Carlos who is in the army’ that she has been trying to get me to meet.” Sophia was a regular at the bakery as it was near the courthouse, and she’d really taken to TK. He really liked her, and enjoyed their talks when she came in. She was also persistent that he had to meet her brother, so he’s glad he’s finally getting the chance. 

Carlos groaned as he hid his face in his hands. “I swear I’m going to kill her,” he mumbled into his hands. 

“It’s fine,” TK laughs. “She means well. She tells me all about you though. I think she just doesn’t want you to be alone.” 

Carlos shakes his head, but he can feel that his face is blood red. He knows his sister just tries to make up for all the years he hid, and the way his parents didn’t really acknowledge anything, but he also doesn’t need her help. “Yea well, Army life makes it hard for relationships. And I've still got a minimum of two years left. So, it doesn’t seem fair to ask anyone to wait, and I haven’t really found anyone.” He blushes at how much he has shared with a stranger. “Sorry. That’s not, I usually…” 

“It’s fine Carlos.” TK gives him a reassuring smile. “Sometimes it’s nice to unload on someone.” 

“Yea but you’re at work.” 

“I’ve got a cake in the oven, so I've got a little more time. Besides, this is the slow time.” 

“Thank you,” Carlos says bashfully. “I have a friend at base that I usually unload on, but he’s not really the ‘share my romantic woes’ type. Don’t get me wrong, he’s probably my best friend ever, but…” he trails off with a shrug. 

“I get it. But I should probably get back to the kitchen before Sophia gets here. We don’t want to give her anything to brag about,” TK laughs. 

“No, no we do not,” Carlos agrees. TK takes Carlos’s plate, but before he walks off, he offers, “I wouldn’t mind giving you my number or email, if you ever found yourself needing someone outside your family or your unit to talk to. I’m not the best, but I know how helpful it can be to have someone to talk to.” 

Carlos stares at him so long TK thinks he might’ve crossed a line he didn’t know about. “Yea. Yea I’d like that,” Carlos smiles passing TK his phone so he can put his contact info into. “Email is easier if I’m deployed, but texting is fine if I’m stateside” 

“I’ll put both,” TK winks. He puts his information into a new contact and passes his phone back to him. While he thinks Sophia undersold how good looking her brother is, he also understands that Carlos isn’t looking for that right now. And if he’s being honest, he’s not sure he is either. He’s still not over having his heart destroyed a year ago, and not sure he can trust himself romantically. What he does know is that he enjoyed talking to Carlos just now, and he knows how to be a good friend.  He’s just skirting behind the counter when Sophia walks in. 

Carlos had been back in Georgia for two weeks before he decided to send TK an email. Sophia had gloated majorly when she found out he’d gotten TK’s information. She’d immediately texted Tina, his older sister, bragging that she would be credited for Carlos finding true love, to which he gave them both the middle finger. He ended up going back to the bakery three more times before he left, and each time he found talking to TK, even just about what TK was baking that day, to be one of the easiest things ever. 

And this is why he struggled typing an email. He wanted it to be perfect, but he wanted it to be easy like all their other conversations. He’d started and stopped several times, and he was currently attempting to tug at his hair as he stared at his screen. “Seriously dude? I can feel your tension across base,” Colton said sitting down on the end of Carlos’s bunk. 

“Shut it,” Carlos grunts. He closes his laptop with another sigh before tossing it on his trunk which doubles as a table. 

“Problems at home?” 

“No. Everything is good. Tina and Soph say hi and want to know if you’ve found anyone yet,” Carlos laughs. His sisters have taken to Colton like a second younger brother even though they’ve never officially met, and since they think he's settled with TK, even though he hasn’t talked to him since returning to base, they’ve turned their attention to making sure Colton is happy. 

“Dude! Why are your sisters worried about that?” he laughs. 

“Because they’re annoying and that’s what they do,” Carlos shrugs.

“Ok so if things are fine at home, then what’s wrong? Usually, you’re out there with me kicking ass at horseshoes, not in here moping at your laptop.” 

Carlos rolls his eyes as he sits up. “So dramatic,” he murmurs. 

Colton barks a laugh making Carlos smile. “Usually, you’re not this hard to get info out of. Gotta do something.” 

Carlos runs his fingers through his short hair once more. He’s still not used to not having his curls to tug at when he feels stressed even after two years and some change in the Army. Colton turns around to sit on the same side of the bed as Carlos. His hand falls to Carlos’s shoulder giving it a squeeze. “Deep breath, hold it.” Colton silently counts to five; “Let it out.” Carlos follows Colton’s instructions blowing out a heavy breath. “Now you just open your mouth and talk.” 

Carlos chuckles as he shakes his head giving his best friend a smile. Colton might be wild and a playboy, but he’s an amazing friend and knows Carlos better than anyone. “I sorta met someone when we had leave last time. He lives in Austin. My sister tried to subtly set us up by running extremely late to meet me at the bakery he works at. It sorta worked as he thought I was being stood up on a date so he came over on the guise of checking that the food was ok. When he realized it was my sister standing me up, he sat down for a conversation before my sister tipped her hand in text asking if I’d met him yet.” 

“Wow.”

“Yea I know. I was pissed at her until I realized how easy it was to talk to TK. We exchanged info, TK offering to be a listening ear any time I needed it. I went back three more times before I flew back here. I haven’t talked to him since, and I was trying to type him an email just now.”

“But it wasn’t coming out as perfectly as you thought it should and it was stressing you out, right?” 

Carlos just stares at Colton constantly amazed at how well Colton knows him. “Something like that,” he sighs. “I know this isn’t usually our….” he waves his hand around trying to let Colton off the hook easily. 

“Our topics to discuss. No, not really,” Colton agrees. “But it’s also never come up. Carlos we’re friends, best friends, and we can talk about anything you need. Because I need you focused, not stressed about something like this. In his world, we have each other’s back no matter what. I need to know you’ll be focused when we’re out there, so if I can help alleviate anything keeping you from being focused, then that’s what I'm going to do.” 

Carlos pulls Colton into his side for a side hug. “You’re nothing but a softy,” he teases before letting Colton go. 

“Don’t tell anyone,” Colton fake threatens, and Carlos holds up his hand with a laugh. “Now back to your problem. If the conversation was as easy as you said it was, this… TK?” At Carlos’s nod Colton continues; “TK isn’t going to care what you say, just that you’re saying something. So, type up an email, hit send, and then get your ass out here to help me win horseshoes.”

“You got it,” Carlos smiles as he gives Colton a nod. Once Colton is back outside their barracks, Carlos opens his laptop once more. He opens a new email to TK and starts typing. He doesn’t think, he just types everything as it comes to him, and hits send before he can talk himself out of it. He joins Colton outside, putting the email out of his mind, feeling lighter now that he’s done it. 

TK woke around four in the morning to start getting ready for his shift. He was opening this week so that meant getting to the bakery by 4:30 am to get started baking before their 6:30 am opening, which meant he was asleep by seven each night for his early mornings. To say he was surprised by his email notification when he silenced his alarm was an understatement. He hadn’t heard from Carlos since his last time in the bakery. Seeing he had an email from him, he was instantly more alert and awake. He sat up on the side of the bed and opened it immediately before getting dressed. 

TK, 

I don't even know where to begin. I’ve sat here staring at my screen for the longest trying to figure out the perfect email. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write, but I have a problem with wanting to make everything perfect before I do it. I’ve tried for two weeks to figure out what to say, and finally Colton, my best friend in my unit I told you about, told me that you wouldn’t care what I said, you’d just be happy I was writing. I hope that is true.

We’re still stationed at base, so I technically could’ve just texted you, but I wasn’t sure how you would feel about that either. We’ll be deploying out in May, which I know is still a few months away, but might as well get used to emails now. I hope you are well, and I hope everything is going well at the bakery. Honestly, one day of base food had me missing your sweet baking, especially the muffins. Anyways, Colt is waiting on me for horseshoes, but I hope to hear from you soon.

Carlos

TK read it a few more times, before he jumped up and got dressed realizing he’d sat on the bed reading it longer than he meant to. He made it to the bakery with nary a minute to spare. He dove right into his baking, getting bagels and muffins going along with some breakfast bread. Once those were going, and he had the coffees set to brew on time, he sat down on a stool in the kitchen and thought of his reply. Honestly, he hadn’t been able to get Carlos out of his mind, and he was so very happy to hear from him. But he feels Carlos’s stress of forming the perfect email. He read over Carlos’s once more before typing his response. 

Carlos,

I’m so happy to hear from you and that you are ok. Sophia updated me last week that you were still in Georgia. I have a feeling she will keep me updated every time you move if you tell her, LOL. She’s still gloating of course, but I can’t seem to be mad at her, not when our conversations were some of the highlights of my day. Things at the bakery are well. I’m opening all week, so early shifts and really early nights. I’ve got a tray of muffins and banana bread in the oven right now along with some fresh bagels. As soon as I finish replying I’m going to start on doughnuts and cakes for later. I could always send you muffins if you told me where/if that would be ok. No pressure, just a suggestion since you said you missed them. I’ll be around any time you want to talk. Xo

TK

After that day, Carlos and TK exchanged emails, texts and even phone calls. Carlos even gave TK the address to ship baked goods to. At first, he didn’t share, but once Colton discovered the packages contained baked goods, it was almost impossible to keep him out of TK’s treats. Colt had even started joking that Carlos should marry him for his baking talents alone, to which Carlos would remind him they were just friends. Their easy conversations carried over into their writing. Carlos found it easier to share everything he was thinking over screens, and TK enjoyed having another person to talk to. Carlos was able to come home for a week before his deployment in May. TK was able to swing some time off since he knew ahead of time when Carlos would be home to spend it with him. It was the first time Carlos came home that he didn’t spend the entire time hiding at the ranch. 

They both insisted to anyone that asked that they were just friends. It was a no-pressure relationship that they both found comfort in. It was the first time Carlos ever wished he never joined the Army because he wished he could explore things more with TK. He felt himself falling even though he knew he would never ask TK to wait for him. TK felt similar; he could feel himself falling, but in his eyes, Carlos was too good to drop all his baggage on. TK had shared some of his past with Carlos in their many conversations, but he’d kept some of the more rough stuff to himself. TK dropped Carlos at the airport on the day he had to return to base. They hugged longer than what would be considered friendly, and TK promised to always answer any time Carlos wrote. It was a harder goodbye than either of them was expecting, but it was just the beginning. 

Carlos’s unit was sent to Bagram once more. It wasn’t their first time to be stationed there, but it also wasn’t exactly where Carlos thought they were going this time around. He knows a lot of the details of their deployments will be classified, and it is the first time he’s really had to think about censoring what he writes home about. It was easier to censor things to his family because he didn’t want to share the horrors of war with them. He’s gotten used to sharing almost everything about his life with TK, from the good to the not so good, so it’s a little strange to go back to thinking about what he has to say. 

TK’s emails are the highlights of his days. Their emails usually end up a few days apart because of the time difference, and it took some getting used to their schedules not syncing up. 

Carlos knows that’s toeing the line they don’t talk about or cross, but he can’t seem to help himself.

TK,

I hate that I’m so far ahead of you time wise. It seems so unusual that I’m seeing the sunrise around the time you’re waiting for it to set. I’ll be MIA a lot next week as we’ll be on a mission. I hate not being able to tell you every detail of my life. I know it’s the life I signed up for, but I also didn’t expect to meet someone like you. Someone who is just so easy to talk to.

Colt says hi, and he hates that he’s not going to be able to get any more baked goods for six months. I however am glad not to have someone stealing all the lovely food you make for me. I know you’re going to save me plenty for when we return ;) I can’t wait to hear what is happening around town and the bakery. Stay safe T.

Xo C 

Carlos puts the laptop back into his locked trunk. He knew their mission next week wouldn’t be that dangerous, but it was Afghanistan, and you just never knew. There was so much more he wanted to say in that email, but he knew it wasn’t the time. That is why he had a three-page handwritten letter stuffed in his trunk. If something were to happen to him, there’s letters in there for his family, but also one for TK he added before they deployed. 

“How’s lover boy,” Colton asks, flopping on the end of Carlos’s bed. Carlos rolls his eyes as he pushes Colton’s booted feet back to the floor. 

“He’s not my lover boy and you know it.” 

“Toemaytoe, toemahtoe,” Colton says dramatically, eliciting another eye roll from Carlos. 

Carlos shakes his head as he moves the trunk back under his bed. “TK is fine. I’m still not used to sending an email and not getting an instant reply. The time difference sucks. That email was just a check in and letting him know I’d be MIA,” he shrugs. 

“You’re so whipped,” Colton laughs as Carlos shoves him. 

“I’m not whipped. We’re friends. That’s it.”

“You could be so much more. Anybody that spends more than five seconds around you knows it.” 

“Colton, you know why.” 

“I know, I know.” He holds his hands up placatingly. “I’m just saying. We never know what’s going to happen, and at some point, you’re going to have to confront these feelings. And that’s all the pushing I’m doing for today.” He could see the rebuttal and pushback on Carlos’s face, so he figured it was better to end it there. Carlos just gives him a nod before they head to the mess hall to eat. 

TK reads Carlos’s email on his lunch break. He was closing this week, so he didn’t have to be in until lunch. But since closing meant late nights, he usually slept until after eleven meaning he’d missed Carlos’s email. He was still adjusting to the time difference between them now, and it made him smile that Carlos was hating it just as much. 

“There’s that little smile again,” Grace teased as she walked past TK. He shakes his head at his boss but doesn’t justify it with a verbal response. “Tell Carlos hi,” she calls over her shoulder. 

Carlos, 

I hate the time difference just as much. I was still sleeping when you sent this one, and I’m just now on lunch at work and able to respond. I’m sure you’re already asleep or almost asleep, and it’s fine, it’s just hard being patient for a response. Don’t worry about me next week; you just focus on the mission and staying safe. That doesn't mean I won’t email you half a dozen times to make sure you’re ok even though I know you can't respond, but at least Grace has me opening so I’ll be doing nothing but working.

He doesn’t say he’ll be worrying, but he feels like it’s implied. It’s also toeing the line they don’t talk about, but at this point he doesn’t care.

Speaking of Grace says hi. They find out next week what baby Ryder will be, and I’ll be sure to tell you. I’m looking forward to finding out. My bet is a girl… haha Judd with a little girl is going to be fun to watch. But I’m also still really nervous about it because Grace is insisting on leaving me in charge of the bakery the entire time she’s off. That seems minor in the face of what you’re doing and going to be facing daily, so just ignore me and tell me to suck it up.

Ok, I’ve started rambling and Grace is going to be calling me back to work any second so I’ll wrap this one up. Stay safe Carlos, and I can’t wait for another email.

T

I will never dismiss your concerns and fears TK. What you’re feeling is valid. Running someone else’s business in their absence is daunting, even if it’s something you’re really good at and love. So please share all you’re feeling, and I’ll do my best to reassure you and help you.

As for baby Ryder, I’m going to go with your assumption that it will be a girl until we know otherwise. Either way that is going to be a lucky baby to have you in his/her life. I expect pictures if I’m not in town because I’m sure the baby will be beautiful. He wants to say he knows TK will be handsome and gorgeous holding the baby, but he refrains. Today is probably my last day at base for a week, but I will respond as soon as I can. Just know we’ll be doing everything as safely as possible, and Colt will always watch my back. Stay safe and if you see my sisters tell them hi and that I’m fine.

C

The rest of the deployment went similar; they swapped emails as they could, they had Skype calls when they ignored sleep in favor of talking to the other, and before they knew it, Carlos had received his orders to return stateside. He would be home the first week of November. Baby Ryder arrived the week before Halloween, and as promised TK sent plenty of baby pictures to Carlos. Carlos couldn’t wait to get home and meet her. And if he secretly set his phone screen to a picture of TK and baby Charlie, well no one needed to know but him. 

They would be returning to Fort Benning for a week of debrief, and then they would be released until the first of the new year. Carlos was excited to have almost two months at home, and it seemed that TK shared in his excitement from his emails. He would still be running the bakery while Carlos was home on leave, but he promised he would have some time off as well. While home, TK and Carlos seemed to get closer. Carlos’s sisters liked to tease them about all the time they spent together, but they both just shrugged them off and stuck to their “just friends” despite how close they’d gotten. Sophia and Tina even helped Carlos talk to his parents with TK’s full encouragement about his sexuality and life. It was very cathartic, and a lot of unintentional misunderstandings were cleared between them. It was the freest Carlos had felt at home in a really long time. 

Unfortunately, he has to return to Fort Benning at the beginning of January, and upon arrival he finds out their unit will be deploying again February 1st in response to the Taliban’s attacks in Kabul. Since he just came off leave, he has to deliver the news over the phone. He Skypes his parents to let them know, and he shoots TK a text telling him to Skype when he can. TK knows the minute he reads the text that Carlos doesn’t have good news. The Skype call is more subdued than normal, but TK knows this is Carlos’s life and if he wants to stay in it, which he very much does, then he’s going to have to learn to live with Carlos halfway around the world. 

This deployment seems more heightened to danger, it’s almost like they can feel it in the air as soon as they land at Kandahar. They’re heading straight back to Bagram, and Carlos feels a tingling under his skin to get to base. He’s not sure why, but he knows this deployment will be life changing. As soon as they have down time, he shoots his parents and sisters an email letting them know he made it safely. Then he turns to sending TK one. He feels like he can share more of his thoughts and worries with him, even though he doesn’t want him to worry. 

We made it. I don’t want you to worry, although I know you will, but I also feel like I can share everything with you regardless. I’m sorry upfront if I add to your worry. I hate the idea that I’m potentially adding to your burdens, but I feel like I need to say it to someone not here.  Something just feels different this go around. It’s a tingling under my skin as soon as we landed. I couldn’t wait to get to the safety of the base. We’ve settled in and been debriefed, but I just can’t shake this feeling that this deployment is going to be different. I miss Austin, hell I miss Georgia at this point, so I know I’m in for a long six months.

How are things around town? The bakery? Charlie? I know you’ve got some cute pictures you’re withholding from me T.

He smiles as he writes that last line. Pictures of TK and Charlie have become his new favorite thing. Especially when Grace brings Charlie to the bakery and TK pretends she’s helping him bake. He knows she is going to be one spoiled little girl as she gets older. If he sets every new one he gets as his phone and laptop background, well no one has to know that but him.

I’ll keep in touch as much as possible, but I honestly don’t know how much we’ll be at base. Stay safe T, and I can’t wait for all your updates.

C <3

Carlos hit send before he could over think it and went to join Colton in the mess hall. 

Carlos, 

You know I will always worry about you no matter what you say; you’re halfway around the world in the middle of a war zone for crying out loud. And I won’t lie and say your email didn’t add to my worry. But I will say to always trust your gut. It’s one thing I’ve learned. So if your gut is telling you to be extra cautious, then please do it. And come home in one piece.

Sophia and Tina have both been in repeatedly just to say hi, but I think they’re really trying to check in and make sure I’m ok. Your sisters really don’t know the meaning of just friends do they? *That’s said with me laughing good-naturedly btw; don’t call them freaking out*

Austin is good; warm and spring is definitely around the corner even though it’s only February. I’m still not used to not having a winter, but I’m not complaining. I’ll attach pictures of Charlie, but no I don’t intentionally withhold them *insert tongue hanging out and me flipping you off image*

Grace says hi, and that she’ll send the pictures I won’t send later *eye rolling* as if I hide anything from you.

I know I’ve rambled on, but it seems like you could use the distraction - only while you’re at base of course. But in all seriousness, please stay safe Carlos. Stay focused, and make sure Colton watches your back and vice versa. I don’t know what this town would do without you. I don’t know what I would do without you.

T <3

It’s more than he would usually admit, but he’s being honest. Carlos has become such an integral part of his life; he doesn’t know what he would do without him in it. He sends up a prayer he’s not even sure will work, that Carlos will come home safe and in one piece to him. 

Carlos’s deployment rocks on with them exchanging emails as much as possible. The feeling under Carlos’s skin doesn’t go away, and he always feels like he’s hyperaware. His anxiousness is even starting to rub off on Colton. He shared everything with TK, and he’s found that being able to share his fears and worries help ease them. TK is a really good advice giver even though TK doesn’t seem to think so, and Carlos is so grateful TK lets him share all his thoughts even if it adds to TK’s worry. TK even shares things about his life he says he wouldn’t be able to share with Carlos in person, like his addiction, and Carlos learns more about the boy he is falling in love with.

Carlos is wrapping up an email towards the beginning of July. He’s starting to feel the anxiousness releasing as it gets closer to their deployment being up. He’s so relieved to be heading back home, and he just wrapped up telling TK about how he couldn’t wait to see him again. “Reyes,” he hears Colton call out which instantly puts him on alert as Colt isn’t usually so formal unless on mission. He closes his laptop and puts it back in his trunk before standing up and joining Colton at the opening to their bunks. 

“What’s up?” 

“Got a mission. Briefing in five.” 

“You look concerned,” Carlos says cautiously as he walks beside his best friend to their commander’s tent. 

“I think they’re jumping the gun.” He shrugs as he glances at Carlos. “Just from the rumors of course.”

“Alright, let’s hear them out and then decide. Surely Jones wouldn’t send us into something dangerous without hearing us out.” 

“Don’t know that it’ll be his call.” Carlos regards his best friend carefully before nodding in understanding. If Colton is worried about this, then Carlos knows they really need to be careful. 

The last email TK had gotten from Carlos was the first week of July. TK had been busy at the bakery with Grace as it was holiday season and it had taken him a day before he could respond. Going a few days without hearing from Carlos was normal, but it had been almost three weeks and he hasn't heard a word. He checked his phone constantly, to the point it became a joke around the bakery that it was going to end up in something he baked because it never left his hand. He knew Grace was doing it to try and alleviate his stress and worry. Carlos was supposed to be coming home in a week and half based on his original deployment information, but TK wasn’t sure if that was going to happen or not. 

It was another week, trading text with Sophia and Tina constantly for updates, before they both showed up at the bakery at the same time. TK and Grace shared a look as the sisters rarely came in at the same time to see him. “Hey girls,” Grace smiles, getting timid smiles in return from them. “Perfect timing because it’s TK’s break,” she smiles. “Go I’ve got this,” Grace tells him. TK gives her a grateful nod, leaving his apron behind the counter. He asks the girls if they want a drink or something and they both shake their heads no. TK gulps a deep breath trying to steady himself before he follows them to a secluded corner of the bakery. 

“Ok, just lay it on me. I can’t take this,” he says, twisting his hands together. 

Sophia leans over and covers his hands stilling them. “He’s alive,” Tina leads with. TK feels like he can breathe at that. “But it’s not good,” Sophia adds, giving his hands a squeeze. TK looks up at the girls and nods. He takes another deep breath. “Ok, I’m ready.” 

Tina and Sophia share a look, before Sophia turns to TK. TK figures it's her experience as a defense attorney that they decide she can deliver the news the calmest. Tina’s nails are bouncing off the table which isn’t helping TK’s nerves, but he gets it. “Mama and Papa heard from the Army last night. Carlos’s unit was under fire on a last-ditch mission. Carlos has been in Germany for the last two weeks, but his dog tags were missing. He woke up yesterday and that’s how they were finally able to contact us. The mission obviously went sideways.” 

She pauses for a breath, and TK sucked in his own breath. “Is he ok?” he’s finally able to ask. 

“His injuries are extensive and severe. He had several broken bones, two gunshot wounds. One to the abdomen, one to the shoulder. The abdomen one nicked his appendix and he had to have it removed, but he also got an infection. He also had a pretty bad head wound and concussion which is why he’s been in a medically induced coma. They kept him sedated until he started improving. They said he would be sent to Brooke Army Medical in Fort Sam Houston. If they deem him stable enough, they’ll transfer him here to St. David’s. They’re also honorably discharging him. He’ll get some kind of award too.” 

At TK’s confused look, Tina stopped her sister. “TK, they weren’t supposed to tell us this probably, but he was the only survivor of his unit. He’s…. He’s not going to be in the best head space when he gets home. We feel sure he’s still going to want to talk to you, but we want you to be prepared. He might not be the guy you love.” 

 TK looked between them shaking his head with teary eyes. “I… I...”

“We know. You don’t have to tell us. We know neither of you are ready for this, but we know deep down you love each other.” 

“I’m not going anywhere,” he finally gets out. “We may not be where you think we are, but I would never abandon him. He’s become one of the best parts of my life, and whatever he needs, whatever he wants I'm going to support. I don’t…. I don’t know if yall can talk to him or anything, but if so, please make sure he knows I’m here, whatever he needs.” 

He wipes his eyes before blowing out a deep breath. He knows this is going to change things, but he has no intention of going anywhere unless Carlos wants him too. The girls both give him tight hugs and promise to keep him updated before they’re gone. TK is quiet the rest of his shift, and Grace lets him be, but reminds him he’s free to share anything with her anytime. 

It’s another week before he hears from Carlos. He knows from the girls that he made it to Brooke Army and is going through a myriad of testing. Carlos sends him a text towards the end of his first week back stateside. All it says is check your email with a smiley face, and TK almost drops his phone in his haste to open his email. 

T,

I don’t even know where to begin. I know you’ve been worried and for that I’m sorry. I know it’s been close to two months since you’ve heard from me. I don’t know if you even still want to hear from me, but Soph and Tina have told me that they’ve kept you updated and that you would want to talk. I truly hope they haven’t been a bother. I know they mean well, and I’m grateful they’ve been able to give you reassurances during this time, and I’m sorry if I’m about to dump a lot of feelings and things on you if you’ve moved on. I still have concussion side effects, so this email has taken me way longer than I wanted to get out. I could’ve called, but I didn’t know your schedule anymore, and I tire so easily, it was just easier to take my time and write it out.

I’m guessing they told you I’m done. I still don’t even know how I feel about that. On one hand, I’m grateful to be coming home and able to stay at home. At the same time, I feel like I’m not finishing what I committed to, but I know I’m physically not able anymore. Especially with the PTSD diagnosis this doctor here just gave me. I’m sure he’s right, but I just can’t wrap my head around it.

Everything still feels surreal. I can’t just pick up the phone or look to my side and know Colt is there. Colt is gone, and there was no goodbye. There was nothing but pain. Sometimes I feel like I’m still back there. Sometimes I think I’m going to open my eyes and see sand, not three white walls. Sometimes I wish I was, sometimes I wish I could’ve done something different. I wish I could’ve gotten him home. My memory is coming and going on what happened. The drs say it’s my brain’s way of protecting me, but I don’t know if I believe that or not.  But I remember the pain from the bullets, and I remember Colt shoving me out of the way of the majority of them. I tried to stop him, I really did, but he was gone before I passed out.

I don’t know how to handle that, and I know there’s really nothing you can do. The dr said I needed to talk to someone before they would move me to St. David’s for rehab and finishing my care, and you were the first person that came to mind. I don’t know that they’ll count this, I’m sure I’m going to have to see a therapist, but it reminded me how easy our conversations were and how much I missed you.

Anyways, I should probably wrap this up. Don’t feel like you have to respond if you have moved on, but T, I want you to know. You got me through. Thoughts of you waiting on me kept me going. You’re always going to be special T, and I don’t want you to ever forget it.

Carlos.  

TK has tears pouring down his cheeks by the time he’s done reading. Grace finds him like that in the kitchen a few minutes later. “TK honey, oh come here,” she says, pulling him into a tight hug. TK cries on her shoulder for a few minutes before he’s able to pull himself together

“I finally heard from Carlos,” he says, waving his phone around. He wipes at his eyes as Grace pokes her head out front to make sure no one is waiting. 

“And?” 

“I think I need to call him. I have to go see him.” The urgency has been just under his skin since he knew Carlos was back in the states. But after that email, he felt like he couldn’t get to him fast enough. 

Grace gives him another hug. “Ok you call him, see if he can have visitors. And if so we’ll get you to Fort Sam Houston tomorrow.” 

“Grace. Wait no. I can’t leave you here alone. I just meant on my next day off.” 

“Sure you can. I did this long before I hired help. A day or two won’t kill me. Besides if your reaction to that email is anything to go by, he probably needs you just as much. Call your man while I go help the Smiths.” 

TK lets out a soft chuckle at Grace’s no-nonsense statements as she bustles back out front. “Yes mam,” he murmurs. He pulls Carlos’s text thread up and pushes the call button before he can talk himself out of it. The conversation is short; TK assuring Carlos he hasn’t gone anywhere, and Carlos letting TK know he can have visitors, but he doesn’t have to disrupt his life to come visit. TK doesn’t agree or disagree with him and promises to talk once he’s off shift. The next day, he arrives at the hospital at ten am and is led right to Carlos’s room. 

TK stands in the doorway for a moment, just gazing at Carlos. The number of bandages on his body is daunting, but nothing TK hasn’t seen before. It reminds him of the time he considered the fire academy, but he reminds himself this isn’t about him. He softly knocks and when Carlos’s eyes meet his, TK struggles to keep the tears at bay. 

“Hi stranger,” he says softly walking into the room. He sets the vase of flowers in the window seal before walking over beside the bed. “You’re a site for sore eyes,” he says leaning down for a gentle and careful hug. 

“TK… I…” 

“Shhh, I know. Grace insisted I come right away. Said I would be nothing but a distraction at work after getting your email,” he laughs. “She’s right, you know?”

TK pulls the chair closer to the bed, and he offers Carlos a tentative smile when he keeps a grip on TK’s wrist. “I’m not going anywhere,” TK reassures, laying his hand over Carlos’s on his wrist. 

“I can’t believe you’re here.”

“I’m here. For as long as you want me. I had the weekend off anyways, so now I just have a four-day weekend.” 

Carlos gives him a small nod being mindful of his stealing healing concussion. He can’t seem to take his eyes off TK. “I know this is going to be a dumb question considering,” TK says gesturing to the bandages and IVs. “But how are you really feeling? What have they told you?”

Carlos lets out a sigh as his gaze finds the ceiling for a moment. “Well, I have a broken ankle, six broken or cracked ribs, and a sprained wrist. They had to remove my appendix, and I ended up with an infection, but they say that’s almost cleared up. I have fifteen stitches from that, and then another ten where they removed the bullet in my shoulder. I have ten staples in the back of my head and a grade three concussion. They did a myriad of testing here and deemed I had PTSD, and yea they definitely want me to see a therapist.”

TK lets his thumb drift back and forth along Carlos’s hand as he talks. When it seems like Carlos has said all he’s going to say for the moment, TK takes the chance and laces their hands together. He gives Carlos’s a gentle squeeze. “That’s a lot,” he whispers. “Carlos I can’t… I can’t begin to imagine or understand what you’ve been through and what you’re going to be going through healing. But… I can say, if you find the right therapist, you might be surprised how much it helps. And I’m not going anywhere. Whatever you need, whenever you need it.”

Carlos gives him another small nod. “I appreciate that TK. I just… I don’t think I can talk about it right now. Things are still a little fuzzy anyways and I just…”

“Hey, no that’s not what I meant. We can talk about anything you want. Or you can just rest. This is at your pace Carlos.”

Carlos gives him a small smile. “Tell me about home? What have I missed? Charlie’s not going to be mad I’m stealing her favorite person for the weekend is she?” he teases.

“No, I'd say Charlie will be fine. Grace said Judd was off for forty-eight, so he’s on baby duty while she works Saturday. So she’ll be plenty spoiled,” he laughs. He does get his phone out and shows Carlos new pictures and videos he’s missed out on.

“Man, she’s grown,” he murmurs, flipping through the pictures on TK’s phone.

“Yea. She’s almost ten months old. Grace is already trying to gather ideas for a first birthday party.”

“I’m sure it’ll be wonderful,” Carlos agrees. TK can tell he’s starting to wear out, so he takes the phone back not wanting to aggravate his concussion symptoms any. “Rest. I’ll still be here,” he assures before Carlos can protest. TK dims the light in the room, and it’s not long and Carlos is falling asleep. He scrolls through his phone and flips through the channels making sure to keep things quiet while Carlos rests. Nurses come and go; TK sends Grace a text letting her know he is ok, and after about two hours of being there, an older couple comes in, catching TK off guard. Just by looking at them, he knows it must be Carlos’s parents.

“Hi. I was just… um…” he moves to head for the door, but Carlos starts waking up and they’re all just kind of frozen in the moment.

“Mami, Papa?” he questions, his face squinching adorably in confusion.

“Si mijo,” Andrea says, coming closer and running a hand through his hair.

“I’m just…” TK motions to the door once more.

“You don’t have to leave on our account son,” Gabriel says.

“TK,” Carlos says, finally realizing TK was still there after his dad addressed him. TK turns toward him seeing the wide-eyed look on his face.

“It’s fine,” TK assures, but Carlos shakes his head. He doesn’t want TK to leave, and he almost feels panic at the thought of TK leaving. TK notices the change in the monitors, so he walks back closer. “Or I can stay. That’s fine too. Whatever you want,” he assures.

A nurse pokes her head in to make sure everything is ok, and TK gives her a kind smile promising everything is fine. She reminds them to buzz if not, and then she’s gone. TK offers his seat to Andrea or Gabriel, but they both wave him off. Gabriel does get Andrea a chair for the other side of the bed and then stands behind her. “This is TK. He works at Grace’s bakery,” Carlos finally gets out after a couple minutes of slowing his breathing. “TK this is my parents Andrea and Gabriel.”

“Oh TK! We’ve heard so much about you. We feel like we already know you,” Andrea gushes, causing both boys to share wide-eyed looks.

“Mi amor,” Gabriel gently shushes.

“Oh stop it. We do and you know it.”

“I… uh… well hope it was all good things,” TK says clearly surprised by this development.

“Oh it was. The girls rave about you and your baking skills. We’ve been meaning to stop in at the bakery, but the ranch keeps us so busy and with Gabriel still working we just haven’t found the time. And…”

“Mi amor,” Gabriel interrupts her once more. She looks over her shoulder at him with a look Carlos knows would make any one of the kids cave in a heartbeat, but Gabriel just gives her one back and nods towards the boys. She turns back to them, and finally takes in both of their wide-eyed expressions.

“Oh querido,” she sighs before squeezing Carlos’s non-injured hand. “Your sisters have been meddling again, haven’t they?”

TK chokes on a barely suppressed laugh as Carlos just sighs. “When aren’t they meddling mama?”

TK does snort a laugh this time, making Carlos grin at him. “They are very persistent mam. But they haven’t been a bother. I just hope they’ve told you all good things.”

“Of course, of course. They have nothing but praise for you.” TK actually blushes at that which Carlos finds just adorable. He turns his attention back to his parents to see how long they’re planning on staying that day. They’ve been there every day since he returned, but he also knows they have a lot of things at home to be taking care of as well.

Andrea had planned on staying well into the night, but Gabriel could tell that there was more to TK’s visit and maybe they’d unintentionally interrupted. Before they can agree on how long they’re going to stay the doctor stops in for his daily rounds. They don’t foresee Carlos having to have any more surgeries, and he’s already been in contact with a therapist at St. David’s. They’re hopeful to have him moved the beginning of next week. They thank the doctor, and then he's gone.

Gabriel suggests that maybe they go get some lunch for the boys that isn’t hospital food and then head home. They already have Carlos’s room ready for when he’s actually discharged, but there’s still some things that will need to be done. They get the boys’ orders, Carlos not really hungry, but agreeing to try something, and then they’re gone.

“Sorry about that,” Carlos murmurs once it’s just them again.

“Nothing to apologize for. I would’ve been surprised if they hadn’t shown up honestly.”

 “Yea well, you see where my sisters get it from now,” he grins, making TK laugh.

“Yes I do,” he chuckles. “But I don’t mind Carlos. Your family is wonderful, just like you.” His parents return with the food before too much more is said. They stay and eat with the boys, TK able to convince Carlos to try more than he would’ve normally, and Andrea feels good knowing TK will be staying with her baby. They hug Carlos and then Andrea pulls TK into a hug whispering a quiet thank you, before she’s pulling away and leaving with Gabriel. He’s not sure what she’s thanking him for, but he has a feeling he’s going to be spending a lot of time with them and learning a whole lot more about the Reyes in the coming days, weeks, and months. Because now that he has Carlos back, he’s not going to be letting him go so easily.

Carlos is moved to St. David’s on Sunday, and everyone is relieved that he’s at least back in Austin. TK is working day shift, not opening or closing, all week, and he has a sneaky suspicion Grace did it on purpose. She claims she doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but he’s able to drop Carlos breakfast, check on him, and bring food for dinner all week. 

He stays with dinner each night and visits until he can see Carlos is too worn out. He’s been doing therapy and rehab almost daily, and TK can tell it’s taking a toll. He does his best not to pry and let Carlos tell him things as he wants. Carlos doesn’t talk much about the therapy sessions, but after two weeks of TK consistently visiting with dinner, Carlos decides to ask him the question that’s been on his mind.

TK can tell something is on Carlos’s mind the whole time they eat, but as usual he doesn’t pry. Once he’s thrown away their trash, he settles into what’s become his chair and just waits him out. He’s dying to ask, but he’s using everything he’s learned from his own therapists over the years, to give Carlos the space to say what he needs to say when he’s ready. TK makes a note to thank his therapist the next time he sees her. 

“Can I ask you something?” Carlos finally asks as TK starts flipping through the channels. 

“Always,” TK smiles, setting the remote down and giving Carlos his undivided attention. 

Carlos won’t look at him; instead his fingers twist the blanket covering his legs repeatedly. “You said, back at Fort Sam, that if I find the right therapist I might be surprised.” 

“I did say that, and I meant it.” TK lays his hand over Carlos’s to still his nervous, restless movement. 

“How do you know if they’re the right one?” 

TK gives him a soft chuckle and squeezes his hand. Carlos does eventually meet his eyes. “You’ll feel extremely comfortable talking to them, almost like this, and you’ll start to see things in a new light. You won't just focus on the tragedy anymore.” 

Carlos just stares at him for the longest, and TK just gives him a soft smile. “I’ve been through my fair share of therapy over the years,” he shrugs. “Sometimes it takes a while to find a good one, and other times you get lucky.” He gives Carlos a minute to think that over. “I take it therapy might not be going so well?” TK hedges when it seems like Carlos might not say anymore. 

Carlos lets out a soft sigh before shrugging. “Been doing group therapy for two weeks, but..  I hate it. I can see a therapist separate from that, but I don’t really like any here.” 

TK hums before he pulls out his phone. He sends a text before turning his attention back to Carlos. “It took a couple tries before I found one I liked too. I finally connected with one in New York; she was truly amazing. And then when I moved here, my therapist in New York did some research for me and found the one I’ve been with here. I just text her to see what her recommendation would be.” 

Carlos doesn’t know what to say to that; he’s speechless. “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell her any specifics. If you have to complete a certain amount here, before they release you we can figure something out, but I stand by my thoughts. With the right therapist, you’re going to get past this. You’ll never forget, but you’ll be ok.” 

Carlos is thankful in that moment more than he can express, and he gives TK a soft smile and a squeeze of his hand, hoping he’ll understand. They spend the rest of the night watching some TV and just enjoying each other’s company until Carlos falls asleep and TK heads home. Carlos is discharged over the weekend; his injuries are healing enough that they send him home. His ankle is still in a cast; his ribs still give him trouble; his wrist is still wrapped, but almost healed so he uses crutches. He texts TK once he’s settled at the ranch. He’s going to miss their nightly dinners, but TK is back to opening this coming week, so he’s not sure he would’ve seen him as much anyways. 

TK is glad Carlos is home, but he is going to miss their nightly dinners as well. He text Carlos off and on throughout the day over the weekend. Carlos is already complaining about being bored because with his ribs still healing, using the crutches isn’t that fun so he’s trying not to move too much. His mother and sisters are hovering too, and while he gets it, he’s also been used to being on his own. TK offers him his sympathies and tells him if he ever wants to get out, TK will gladly spring him. 

During the next week, they text a lot. TK’s therapist had made a house call to visit Carlos, and she’s currently working on getting him set up with someone she thinks he will connect with and will be able to help him. Carlos is grateful and lets TK know. 

I don’t think I can thank you enough for having Kelsey help. I liked her when she was here, so I’m hopeful she’ll find someone. 

You don’t have to thank me. I know how hard it can be when you don’t connect with the person. And it’s partially selfish on my part to want to help you. I’ve kinda come to depend on you just as much, and I don’t want to lose you. 

Carlos smiles as he reads TK’s text. Oh yea? Well I kinda depend on you too. I don’t… I don’t know that I would’ve survived the last two weeks without you. 

I disagree. You would’ve made it. I just brought dinner. 

You did more than that Ty and you know it. Those dinners were the highlights of my days. 

Mine too :) 

Carlos thinks over his next text very carefully. It’s only been a week, but he misses seeing TK’s face. He knows TK has been opening and is probably worn out with it being the week before a holiday, but he really wants to see him. He still can’t drive so he decides to take a risk. 

Would you want to come out here for dinner? I know you’ve been opening, and it’s probably been crazy at the bakery so you can definitely say no. I was just thinking it would be nice to see you again. 

He spent the next twenty minutes until TK was able to respond, spiraling that maybe he overstepped. Maybe TK was glad he wasn’t having to see him every day. Maybe he was just going to be nice and say yes so as not to upset him. It took him a whole two minutes before he was able to read TK’s reply because he was building himself up for rejection. 

I would love to. I’ve missed our nightly dinners. Want me to bring some burritos from the taco truck? 

Carlos couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face and the breath of relief he let out. 

Yea. That would be great. I think my parents are going out tonight so it’ll just be me and still not getting around enough to cook. 

Don’t worry about it. Burritos on me. Text me the address. I get off at 1 and will take a nap before I come out.

Carlos double checks that tonight is his parents monthly date night out, and then he texts TK the address to the ranch. He spends the rest of the day getting ready. He takes a shower and dresses in something other than sweats. He makes sure the living room is picked up and the dining table looks ok even though he knows he gets his cleanliness from his mom and the house will be spotless. 

Once his parents leave, he camps out on the couch and tries to occupy his mind not to spiral or stress out. Carlos knows the Army reinforced his control freak tendency, and not being in control, much less able to do anything, really wrecked havoc with his mind. TK text him when he was leaving town, making sure the burritos were the only thing he needed to bring. Carlos got up and went to the kitchen; Andrea had made some guacamole and salsa earlier that day, so he got it and some chips and carefully carried them to the table. It wasn’t the easiest to do with his crutches, but he made it work. He was just getting glasses for drinks out, when he heard the knock on the screen door. 

“Come in,” he called out, as he hobbled to the kitchen entrance. TK looked worn out even though he’d napped, and Carlos felt bad he’d asked him to come out tonight. 

“Hey,” TK smiled. It lit up his whole face making Carlos smile. 

“Hey, I was just getting drinks.” 

“Go sit. There’s no way you can carry glasses on crutches. Just tell me where everything is and I’ll get it.” He drops the bag of burritos on the table raising his eyebrows at the chips, salsa and guac already there. 

“I’ve learned to adapt,” he shrugs, before listing off drink options in the fridge letting TK get them. 

TK quickly pours them drinks and then joins Carlos at the table. “Are these homemade?” he asks, gesturing to the dips. 

“Yep. Mami made them this morning. They’re a staple around here,” he grins, as he digs into his burrito. 

“I can see why,” TK mumbles around bites of food. He lets out a sexy moan as he tries the homemade dips. “These are amazing.” 

Carlos chuckles softly. “Yea Mami is an excellent cook. She made sure we could all cook as well. I can’t wait to get back to it either. I need something to do.” 

“Wait, you can cook?” 

“Yea. I like it. Helps me relax. Getting lost in a recipe, working with my hands, I’ve always liked it,” he shrugs like it’s no big deal. 

“Well, I can’t wait to try your food because if it’s half as good as this, you might not ever get rid of me,” he laughs. 

Carlos gives him another one of those bashful smiles like he can’t believe TK is real. “I wouldn’t mind that,” he murmurs softly as he feels the blush spread across his cheeks. 

TK gives him another soft smile before talk turns to the bakery and how busy it’s been with Labor Day weekend. TK is glad to have the weekend off to recover. After they talk about weekend plans, TK asks how Carlos’s doctor appointment that week went and what they’re saying about his recovery. Carlos fills TK in on all the doctor appointments; they’re pleased with the rate he is healing, and they’re going to take the stitches and staples out mid-week next week. 

His discharge papers from the Army came in the mail, and he still has mixed feelings about it. He tries to share about it while they eat, but he can’t seem to find the words which frustrates him. “Hey, it’s ok. Some things are harder to share than others, and when you’re ready you will,” TK murmurs squeezing his arm in support. 

Carlos gives him an appreciative nod, but he is still frustrated. They’re mostly done with dinner, so TK starts cleaning up. “Why don’t you go get comfy, and I’ll join you in just a minute,” he suggests. Carlos hates not being able to do anything because TK is the guest here, and should not be cleaning up, but he also knows if he tries to do much, they’ll end up with a bigger mess. 

“Yea, ok.” He hobbles his way to the couch and once he’s as comfortable as he’s going to get, he runs his hands through his curls giving them a tug now that his hair has gotten longer since being home. It relieves the stress he’s feeling to a degree, but he can also hear TK moving around in the kitchen and it amps the stress back up. He’s so lost in his own head he doesn’t hear TK join him on the couch. 

“Carlos,” TK says quietly, not reaching out to touch Carlos even though he really wants to. 

Carlos startles a little, but he drops his hands and looks at TK. “Sorry, I just…” He trails off when the words won’t come and he feels anxiety bubbling to the surface. TK tentatively reaches his hand out, and when Carlos doesn’t flinch away, he lays a hand on Carlos’s forearm giving it a gentle squeeze.

TK lets out a slow breath, his mind made up that now is the time to share more about how much he truly understands Carlos right now. No he didn’t go through something as traumatic, but he gets it more than he suspects anyone else does. “Can I share something with you, so you’ll understand that I can understand where you’re coming from? It’s going to be a lot and I’m going to need to say it all at once, and I don’t know that now is the time to really be sharing this because you’re still recovering from your own trauma, but I want you to know that on some levels I get it, and I want to be there for you.” 

TK slowly met Carlos’s eyes, and Carlos gave him a nod. “I’ll always listen to anything you say,” he murmurs. TK gives him a grateful smile and a nod before letting out a deep breath. He tells Carlos about his childhood and his parents’ divorce. He tells Carlos about middle school and falling into the wrong crowd of friends. He explains how he ended up starting drinking at a young age which then led to smoking some weed which led to harder stuff. He tells Carlos everything about his first rehab stay and how it actually got his parents attention, but ultimately it didn’t last and neither did his sobriety. From there he talks about meeting his therapist in NYC after his second rehab stay and how she was the one to encourage him to follow his love of baking. He finishes with more details on how he actually ended up in Austin and with Grace’s bakery. 

Carlos doesn’t say anything the entire time. He does as promised and just listens to TK talk. He feels his heart breaking for the man in front of him and all the pain he’s endured. “I know it’s a lot and this probably wasn’t the time,” TK sighs softly. 

“No. No, TK. I appreciate it. I… I.” Carlos runs his hands over his face as he tries to gather his thoughts into a coherent sentence. “I can’t even explain how much it means to me that you shared all that. I know it took a lot.” He lets his hand cup and brush TK’s cheek before pulling back. “It means the world that you trust me like that,” he whispers so softly. 

TK gives him an exhausted smile and a nod. “I know this isn’t easy on you, and you’re getting frustrated easily, but I just wanted you to know that I mean it when I say I get it and that you can come to me with anything. I’ll do everything I can to help.” 

They change the subject to more lighter topics for another hour before Carlos can’t ignore the exhaustion radiating off TK. He offers the guest room for him, but TK doesn’t want to impose and heads home instead. He promises to let Carlos know he makes it, and stay in contact. Carlos spends the night turning over TK’s words and all their interactions. He reads back through some of their emails, soaking up TK’s words. 

It’s another couple of days before he hears from Kelsey, but she has him an appointment with her friend Wesley for after his follow-up with the doctor to remove his stitches and check his ribs. He lets his mom know since she will be the one taking him to the follow-up. He text TK the update and TK tells him he can meet him for the appointment if he’d like. Carlos asks if they can meet after instead. He wants to be able to do this; he knows he needs the help even if it goes against everything he ever thought. TK readily agrees and they decide to meet at the bakery and then TK will take him back to the ranch later. 

The appointments go smoother than Carlos expected. His stitches and staples are removed; he has some more x-rays of his ribs, and he’s given another follow up appointment for his ankle. He loathes the crutches, but now that his ribs are mostly healed and his wrist doesn't hurt as much, they’re easier to use. His appointment with Wesley is a lot of getting to know each other and making sure Wesley has all the needed information. What Carlos can’t remember, his medical and military records fill in for now. The questions are easy and Carlos seems to connect with Wesley; it helps that Wesley has previously worked with former and active military members. 

Carlos feels surprisingly comfortable with Wesley, and it helps that they don’t dig into the trauma first thing. Before he knows it, the hour is up and Wesley is getting him on the schedule for in just a couple days. He wants to keep his first few appointments close together so they can build that relationship and start working on helping him heal. Wesley explains that after the first two or three appointments the rest will be spaced out to once a week, unless Carlos feels he needs more, and then they’ll continue to decrease as Carlos continues to manage his PTSD. 

Carlos spends time with TK after his appointment with Wesley; he can feel their friendship bordering on that relationship line, but he also knows he’s not exactly in a place to get in a relationship just yet. Thankfully, TK understands that, and doesn’t pressure him for more. He’s comfortable and content himself, but it feels good that they both can acknowledge their feelings for each other and their desire for more. 

They continue to text almost every day, and some days they even share phone conversations when Carlos just needs to hear TK’s voice to remind himself everything is still very much real. They spend time together on TK’s days off, and once Carlos is cleared to drive, he gains the majority of his independence back. His mother still hovers and his sisters still annoy him, but he doesn’t complain; he’s just thankful he still has this time with them. He’s been home for almost two months, when his trunk arrives from the Army. 

He stares at it for the longest on the front porch before he even moves. He’s been moved from a cast to a walking boot, and he knows he could get it inside and to his room, but it feels too daunting to do on his own.  He hovers over TK’s contact for the longest, but eventually settles on sending him a text. 

Call me when you can talk.

He knows that’s a random, out-of-the-blue text to send TK when he knows TK is at work, but he doesn’t think any of his family will understand, and he doesn’t want to bother Wesley when he’s almost certain he’ll have a client. Carlos has an appointment with him tomorrow anyways, so it’ll be a good thing to discuss. Their sessions have kinda stalled anyways, as Carlos’s memory of the attack still hasn’t returned, but he knows Wesley is doing all he can to give him coping mechanisms. They’ve discussed his feelings on practically everything, except the attack, but Carlos feels like this delivery has set him on edge more than it should. 

He doesn’t have long to spiral in his thoughts before his phone is ringing in his hand and a picture of TK and Charlie is staring back at him. He’d set it as TK’s contact photo, and he loves how much he gets to see it. “Hey,” he answers. 

“Hey yourself. Everything ok?” 

Carlos can hear background noise of the kitchen, and he regrets that he’s worried TK enough to interrupt his shift. “I’m not sure. I’m fine,” he says before TK can really start to panic. “But I got my personal things from the Army today, and I….” 

“Oh,” TK lets out a soft breath, and Carlos can hear him moving around and then the background noise is gone. “What do you need Carlos?” he asks so gently.

“I…” Carlos feels his nails digging into his skin, and he takes a minute to do some of the breathing exercises Wesley has taught him. “I think I need someone here to help me open it,” he finally gets out. 

TK is glad Carlos can’t see his smile; he’s so happy he’s reaching out for help, and that Carlos wants that help to come from him. He feels his heart breaking a little at how much anxiety he hears in Carlos’s voice though. He checks the clock to see how much longer he has left of his shift before he answers. “I finish my shift in about thirty minutes. I need to run home and change because I’m covered in flour, but I can be there in a little over an hour. Are you going to be ok until then? If not I can go ahead and leave now.”

“No, no, don’t do that.” Carlos hates the thought of TK leaving in the middle of his shift just for him. “I’ll be fine til you get here. Ma has gone shopping with the girls and dad is still at work. Then he’ll go straight to the barn to check in with the hands. I… I’m going to try and get it to my room. There’s no reason I can’t; I’ve just….. When they dropped it off and I had to sign for it, they left it on the porch, and I…. I just froze. I’ve been sitting here in the swing staring at it. I…” 

“Carlos, breathe,” TK murmurs, exaggerating his own breath to stop Carlos’s spiral. “I get it. If you can’t get it there, just leave it and I’ll help you once I’m there. But it’s going to be ok. I promise. I’ve got to get this cake out of the oven, and then I’ll be there. Hour tops ok?” 

Carlos lets out a shaky breath. “Yea… yea I’ll be ok.” 

“If you’re not call me back, but I’ll see you soon.” They hang up and Carlos checks the time. He’s fine; he can make it an hour until TK gets here. He ends up sitting on the porch for another forty-five minutes before he makes his way over to the trunk. He carefully picks it up, and it’s not until he does that he notices an envelope on top. He carries the trunk to his room, and sits it down on the floor as he sinks to his bed. He picks up the envelope carefully, turning it over, inspecting everything. 

The return address is what makes him catch his breath. He stares at, until he feels himself gasping. It falls from his hands as he doubles over, feeling the tears stream down his cheeks unbidden. He’s gasping for air, and that’s how TK finds him. “Carlos! Hey, hey, hey. It’s ok,” TK soothes. He gently pushes Carlos back up to sitting, and he takes one of Carlos’s hands and lays against his own chest. “We’re just going to breathe ok?” Carlos sorta nods so TK takes that as his cue to slow down his breathing. He murmurs softly to Carlos the whole time until Carlos is able to steadily breathe on his own. 

TK tentatively reaches up and wipes the tears off Carlos’s cheeks, and he’s thankful when Carlos doesn’t flinch back. He stays kneeling on the floor in front of him and gives him a few minutes to compose himself. “Wanna tell me what happened?” TK asks softly. He sees the trunk on the floor near the bed, but he’s not sure if that was the trigger or not. Carlos shakes his head, but he points at an envelope on the floor beside TK. “May I?” TK asks, pointing to it as well. 

Carlos gives him a shaky nod and lays back on his bed feeling exhausted. TK carefully picks up the envelope, and upon seeing the return address, he instantly knows what happened. He climbs up on the bed still holding the envelope. “Oh Carlos. I’m so sorry,” he whispers, giving Carlos’s hand a squeeze. Carlos still isn’t able to say anything and is just staring at the ceiling. 

TK just lays back beside him, still holding his hand, following his lead. “I didn’t see it til I picked the trunk up to carry it in. I didn’t see the address til I got in here.” His voice is soft and slightly hoarse sounding, but TK knows that’s just from all the gasping. 

“What can I do?” 

Carlos rolls his head to look at TK. TK can see the tears still swimming in his eyes, and he can’t stop himself from reaching up to wipe under his lids. Carlos is holding his other hand like a lifeline, and TK doesn’t even consider letting it go. “Just be here, for now,” he finally whispers. 

“Always.” TK gives him a sad smile, as they lay there letting Carlos process his thoughts. After several minutes, he finally sits up, pulling TK with him. “I don’t even remember what all is in here,” he sighs, dragging the trunk over to the bed. 

“Well I’d be happy to find out with you,” he grins. He lets Carlos undo the lock and flip the lid open. On top is his laptop; he hadn’t even realized he was missing it. Underneath was his old cell phone, a couple of notebooks, some pictures of his family he’d taken with him, his shoes and clothes, and at the very bottom was the letters he’d written to his family, Colton, and TK. “Is this….” TK trails off, unable to ask the question burning through his brain when he pulls out the envelopes from the bottom of the trunk. 

Carlos nods but answers TK verbally as well. “Yea… It’s…. It’s the same thing laying here,” he whispers, picking up the envelope on the bed beside him. 

“There’s one for me?” 

Carlos gives him a rueful smile as he nods. “Of course. You are one of my best friends TK. There was a lot at the time that I couldn’t say to you, but that I wanted you to know if something were to ever happen. I prayed you never got that letter, but I knew I had to write it because war is so uncertain.” 

TK lays the letters back into the top of the trunk before rejoining Carlos on the bed. Carlos is staring at the envelope in his hands and TK runs a hand up his back hoping to provide him some level of comfort. “Do you want to read it?” He feels Carlos tense beneath his hands, but TK just keeps rubbing his back. 

“I don’t know that I can.” 

“That’s ok. You’ll be able to read it one day. It doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow or even next week. But you’re going to want to know what he said, and you’ll get to the place where you can read it. Doesn’t mean it won’t bring a ton of pain, but you’ll be able to get through it.” 

Carlos is quiet once more as he continues to stare at it. “I don’t think I want to read it with Wesley tomorrow, but…. I wouldn’t mind reading it with you.” 

“I’d be honored,” TK whispers, giving Carlos a side hug. Carlos shakily opens the envelope and pulls out a couple pieces of paper. TK’s hand never stops moving on his back and Carlos appreciates the simple gesture more than he’d ever be able to tell him. The familiar handwriting comes into focus, but Carlos can already tell it’s going to be blurred by tears. 

“I…” He trails off not sure what he’s going to ask for, as he wipes the tears once more. “Could you…” He holds the letter out to TK, and he sighs as TK takes it from him. 

“Are you sure? I don’t mind, but I want to make sure you’re ok with me reading this.” 

“I’m sure. I…. I don’t think I could get through all of it because of the tears.” 

“That’s ok,” TK reassures him, before turning his attention to the pages before him. He clears his throat and begins to read. 

TK pauses waiting to see if Carlos is going to do it, and he can’t help but smile when Carlos follows the count exactly as Colton detailed.

Carlos,

My man, my best friend, the other half of the double C duo. I know I don’t do sappy shit, but for you I do. If you’re reading this then the worst actually happened. I almost didn’t write one of these because in my eyes we’re both invincible, but I took your words to heart and wrote a couple of these. If you’re reading this, it means that not only am I gone, but you’re still here. I don’t know what that means for you, physically at least, but I know how you think, and how you operate. On some level you’re going to be blaming yourself whether it was your fault or not. I’m going to say no matter how it happens it wasn’t your fault and don’t blame yourself. I’m also going to say to breathe. In for five, hold for five, out for five. Don’t ever forget that when you’re feeling like the world is too much and the panic creeps in. In for five, hold for five, out for five. It’s never let you down yet. Before you read any further I want you to do that. Breathe.

I’m also going to say I hope you’re not reading this alone. I hope someone, maybe even TK if you two ever got your head out of your asses, is there with you. Don’t close yourself off Carlos. You’re too good for this world not to be surrounded by people. Don’t let whatever happens be what closes you off. I would say don’t let it change you, but that would be hypocritical. I know if something were to happen to you, it would change me, but I don’t want you to become a shell of who you are. You’re one of the best friends a guy could ever ask for, and I was the luckiest guy around when we connected at Benning. I was even luckier when we worked so well together we got to stay together as a partnership. You made my life brighter, better, and you don’t know how many times I’ve said thank you, that you became my best friend. 

Carlos you deserve the world man and I hope you get it. I hate I'm not going to be here to see it, but know I'm never far away. Make sure you dump everything out of the envelope too. I sent something else with this. Something I want you to have because I know you'll cherish it. 

TK pauses once more as Carlos picks up the envelope and dumps it out finding Colt's gold cross necklace. He stifles another sob as he turns it over and over in his hand. It's so thin and he's not surprised he missed it when he pulled the letter out. TK gives him another minute before he continues reading. 

I'm guessing you found it. You know what that cross meant to me and I added it to your envelope just before our last mission. You know I had bad feelings about the mission to begin with, so I rewrote this so I could tell you everything I never did. I'm guessing that last mission probably did me in, and Carlos I'm going to say it again. It wasn't your fault. No matter what, don't blame yourself. 

Go home. Have a life. Fall even more in love with the green eyed boy from the city. And don't deny it. TK if you're there reading this with him, and I think you might be just from what I've heard about you, stay with him. He's worth it. And he might not say it yet, but he loves you. Like a lot man. I've never seen him happier than when he comes back from leave or after he gets an email or talks to you. You make him happy. 

TK chokes a laugh at the fact Colton addressed him in a letter to Carlos. Carlos shakes his head with a slight smile as he wipes his eyes. "He never let me get away with any bullshit," Carlos whispers. 

TK leans over and gives Carlos’s hand a squeeze. "I know nothing is going to make this better for a while, but he sounds like a great friend." He gives him another moment before finishing the letter.

I should probably wrap this up. We're leaving out in five. Carlos, don't ever forget your training and what this life has taught you, but once you're out, move on. Have a life. Don't dwell on this, on the deployments, on the things we saw and did. Don't let me being gone hold you back. I lived my life doing what I loved, and died doing the same. Can't ask for more than that. I knew there was a chance I'd never make it home, but somehow I always knew you would. Live a life you'd be proud of, have the family you never let yourself dream about and find something you're going to enjoy doing for a career. And just know wherever life takes you, I'll always be looking down on you. I love you brother. 

Colt

TK carefully folded the letter and laid it down on top of the trunk. He stayed silent with one hand still laced with Carlos’s as Carlos tried to catch his breath and stop the tears. "You're stronger than you know," he whispers. He softly leans up and wipes some of the tears. "And Colt was right about a lot of things in that letter." 

Carlos gives him a shaky nod, his hand not in TK's gripping the cross necklace. "Want me to put that on for you?" TK asks him carefully. Carlos gives him another shaky nod and hands the necklace to TK.  TK is careful as he clasps the thin chain around Carlos’s neck. Carlos lays back against the bed once more feeling complete exhaustion. "Would you like me to go so you can rest?" 

Carlos grabs onto TK's arm quickly to keep him from moving. His breathing even picked up a little. "Please don't leave." 

"Ok, ok I won't go anywhere," TK promises as he stretches out beside Carlos. He starts softly talking, about anything that comes to mind to distract Carlos enough to rest. He tells him about the bakery and the latest things Charlie has done. He tells him about things Marjan and Paul have told him about from the firehouse and before he knows it Carlos is asleep. TK pulls the blankets up around him and just watches him sleep. He makes a silent promise to Carlos and to Colt that he'll do everything possible to protect Carlos’s heart. Colt might know how much Carlos loves TK but he didn't know that TK felt the same. And one day they'd get into all that, but for now he's happy and content to just be his friend and help him heal. 

It’s another two months from the time Carlos received his personal items from the army and the letter from Colt before his memories of that fateful day start creeping in. It starts as a nightmare when he’s staying over at TK’s, both of them deciding to take their friendship into a relationship after their day with Colt’s letter. He wakes with a scream that could wake the dead. TK is instantly awake and trying to calm him down. It takes a few tries but Carlos does finally settle enough to go back to sleep. Another time, they’re walking through the park walking the dog TK decided to adopt when he hears a truck backfire. He ducks jerking TK down with him before he’s frozen caught in another memory. He has several flashbacks at different times, and each time they steal his breath and leave him feeling helpless. 

He works through every flashback and attack with Wesley, but it’s not enough that he gets a full picture of that day or how to handle it. He hasn’t been able to share it with TK yet either. He doesn’t want to bring him that pain, but he also wants to have the full memory back so he doesn’t have to repeat it more than once. He works with Wesley on attempts to recall the rest of his memory, but it seems fruitless. Wesley promises him that it will return in full, and that once his mind feels ready to process it all, he will. Carlos isn’t sure he believes him, but so far Wesley hasn’t led him astray. 

It’s a random Thursday afternoon; Carlos is at the bakery with TK. He’s taken to spending some time in the kitchen with him, at Grace’s insistence once TK let it slip that he could cook. Grace was trying to convince him to come to work as a chef, so they could expand into a bakery and café, but he wasn’t that confident in his skills just yet. He’d considered it because he was getting bored and restless, especially when TK was at work, and there was only so much he could do around the ranch when his dad still paid hands to work during the days. But he wasn’t ready to commit just yet. 

He’s helping TK by kneading some dough for homemade bread when it happens. His hands punch the bread down before the second proof, and he just freezes. He no longer sees the bakery kitchen; he’s back in the sand and dessert. 

They’re rolling through the streets heading to attempt a rescue for a member of another unit that had been taken hostage by a group of jihadist. The mood is different than normal, more somber, less joking. Colt is sitting to his left and instead of their usual joking manner, he’s staring out the window, gun at the ready. “Hey, you good?” Carlos leans over and asks him. Colt finally looks at him and nods. “I’m telling ya, something don’t feel right about this.” 

Carlos gives him a nod in understanding. He has to admit that their rescue plans seem rushed, but he also gets the urgency. “We’ll be fine. We’ll get set-up up high, and we’ll cover them as they go in. In and out.” 

Colt lets out a sigh but nods, turning his attention back to the road. In the next instant they hear the explosion, and look ahead to see the lead humvee being blown to bits. He feels Colt grab his arm as their own humvee comes to a stop. “Let’s go,” Colt grunts throwing open his door and scanning the area all around them. Carlos leaves his sniper rifle and makes sure his gun is loaded before following Colt out. They stand back to back as the other humvees unload. “We can’t stay here. We’re too open,” Carlos yells, hearing Colt agree. They move as one towards the front to check for survivors, like they’re trained, before they hear gunfire ringing around them. 

They see one of the other humvees fighting off what would be kidnappers, and Carlos and Colt duck behind one of the humvees. “What do we do?” Carlos asks breathlessly, hoping Colt would have some answers. 

“We fight,” he says decisively, and Carlos agrees with him. The next few minutes are a blur of bullets, yelling, explosions, blood, and tears. Carlos isn’t sure how long it goes on, but he never loses sight of his partner. The next instant seems like fast forward and slow motion all rolled into one. Colt is facing down a terrorist and Carlos feels frozen. Colt screams at him to run, but Carlos doesn’t. He opens fire around them; there’s no way he’s letting Colt become a kidnapped victim; he doesn’t even register the bullet he takes to his shoulder as he’s firing like crazy. Colt draws his pistol and fires some shots, disregarding the gun that had been trained on him when he sees a sniper in the distance aiming at Carlos. Carlos watches as bullets from nearby men pierce through Colt, and it’s only later he realizes he is screaming knowing what this could mean for his best friend. 

Colt shoves him out of the way at the last second, and it’s only then Carlos realizes Colt took the kill shot from the sniper for him. Most of their unit is down, injured or dead. Carlos is crawling over to Colt, begging and pleading that his best friend is ok, even though subconsciously he knows he’s not. He looks up at the man that had tried to kidnap Colt, and before Carlos can kill him, the man utters some words in Arabic that Carlos doesn’t understand, but he feels the bullet pierce through his side, and he knows this is it for him as well. His head hits Colt’s chest as he fights through the pain and he cries for his best friend. He passes out before he realizes that one of the humvees in the back called in support. Two weeks later he wakes in Germany, to learn he is the sole survivor of the attack. 

TK watches as Carlos freezes, his hands down in the dough, his breathing becoming ragged. He quickly grabs a stool and places it behind Carlos. He isn’t sure whether to touch him or not, never knowing what Carlos is going to be seeing or how he’ll react to touch, but he doesn’t want Carlos to fall and get hurt. “Babe?” he tries not really expecting a response. He yells out to Grace that he’s going to be tied up and to keep everyone out of the kitchen for a bit, and when she pokes her head in to see what’s up, she instantly understands. 

TK gently removes Carlos’s hand from the bread, and when his boyfriend is still unresponsive, he gently eases him down on the stool. “Carlos, I need you to breathe,” TK tries. Carlos is holding his breath, his eyes glazed over as he watches whatever his mind is showing him. “Fuck,” TK sighs, feeling absolutely helpless. 

He takes Carlos’s hand and places it against his own chest, exaggerating his breathing in the hopes Carlos will blindly follow it. He doesn’t but TK can see he’s starting to come back around after a few minutes. “Carlos. Breathe. Please breathe for me,” TK tries, cradling Carlos’s cheek. 

The touch to his cheek is like a snap back into reality, and if it wasn’t for TK’s grip on him, Carlos is sure he would’ve face planted off the stool. He’s gasping for air as TK holds him up. “Breathe babe. I’ve got you. Match my breathing,” he soothes. He doesn’t say it out loud, but he’s following the count Colt detailed in the letter, hoping Carlos will pick it up. It takes several starts and stops with gasps in between but when TK starts counting the breaths out loud, Carlos follows it.

“He… he…. He…” He breaks off into another sob that completely breaks TK’s heart. 

“Carlos it’s ok. Just breathe babe.”

He goes back to counting their breaths out loud until Carlos is getting air once more. “How bout you just sit here and breathe and I’m going to get you some water, clean up real quick and we’ll go home? Ok?” 

“You’re not…”

TK runs his hand through Carlos’s hair calming him as he silences him with a finger to his lips. “We’re done for today. Just let me pick this stuff up and tell Grace.” Carlos gives him a feeble nod as he works on stopping the tears and keeping his breaths even. TK speeds around the kitchen cleaning up their mess, being sure to keep an eye on Carlos. He lets Grace know they’re going to sneak out the back, and she makes him promise to let her know they’re ok later. He gives her a hug for being the best, and then he gets Carlos and they head for TK’s apartment. 

Once inside, he settles Carlos on the couch, Buttercup coming over to lay at his feet. Carlos reaches down and scratches the dog’s ears as TK puts their things away. “Do we need to call Wesley?” TK asks joining Carlos on the couch. 

Carlos shakes his head no before laying down on the couch with his head in TK’s lap. TK’s fingers card through his hair which really helps to relax him, as Carlos’s hand grips his necklace. “I remembered everything,” he finally whispers. He hears TK’s sharp inhale, but TK’s fingers don’t stop playing with his curls and Carlos is thankful. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” TK carefully asks. 

“I should. I’ve…” he takes another deep centering breath. “I’ve been wanting to tell you what all I remember as I've remembered, but I wasn’t sure I could repeat everything more than once.”

“That’s ok babe. Just share things as you are ready. This is about you not me.” 

“But I want you to know all of me, and this is a part of me.” 

TK gives him a soft smile. “I know. But we have all the time in the world to know everything about each other. Just take your time.” 

Carlos gives him a smile that’s tinged with sadness. “I used to think we had all the time in the world too. But losing Colt has made me realize we don’t always have as much time as we think.”

Carlos stops TK before he can apologize for his careless statement, and instead launches into what happened at the bakery. He tells TK everything in one go. He repeats some things TK already knows, like how he and Colt met and became best friends, but he shares everything from his time in the army. It feels good to get it all out there, even the parts he used to censor from his emails. Detailing the attack for TK is the hardest. Especially when it makes TK cry. Carlos gets it though; it’s a lot for someone who was there, he can’t imagine what hearing about it would be like. Especially when it was about someone you loved deeply. 

Carlos feels exhausted by the time he is done talking, but he feels like a weight has been lifted off his soul. TK leans down placing a soft kiss on his lips. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that, but I’m so so so so damn proud of you for being able to talk about it. You are the strongest person I know, and truly my hero,” he grins, getting a watery smile from Carlos. “Colt would be proud of you too,” TK whispers after several minutes of silence. “I know it’s hard not to blame yourself, especially now that you remember, but just remember what he said to you in that letter, and know I’ll be here to remind you of it too.” 

Carlos ends up staying that night, and the next day Wesley is able to work him in. It’s great progress that Carlos was able to remember it all, and they work through his feelings on the attack. It takes a couple of weeks of going back to weekly sessions with Wesley before Carlos is able to believe that it wasn’t his fault his best friend died, and during that time TK stayed right by his side. Carlos might have lost his best friend ever, but he gained something as well. He gained a great love with a great guy, that he’s still not sure how he got so lucky to have. 

It takes a year of being home, and working through all the trauma of being the sole survivor from his unit, before Carlos is ready to focus on the future he wants for his life. He and TK moved in together after six months of dating; TK became Grace’s partner at the bakery; Charlie was more than happy at gaining a second uncle in Carlos and she thought both of them truly hung the moon. TK and Carlos visited Colton’s home town in North Carolina on the anniversary of the attack in Afghanistan. It felt like the last piece in healing, getting to say a proper goodbye to his brother. When they returned to Texas he finally took Grace up on the offer to try out being a chef and expand the bakery. They added seating and expanded the kitchen with the help of Judd and some of his buddies that worked construction. The café side officially opened and was a major hit in the town. Carlos was an excellent chef and it was a lot of fun getting to work with TK. He never thought he’d get to have this life, but he thanks his lucky stars every day that he does. And he knows somewhere out there Colt is looking down on him smiling that Carlos was able to move on and be happy. A year later he and TK get married in a small ceremony on the ranch, and two years later when he and TK finally expand their family using a surrogate, they welcome a gorgeous baby boy named Colton Jason after the uncle he’d never meet but would always know.

[writing-in-april]

Tiny Vessels

Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader (Spencer’s POV)

Summary: Spencer is done trying to lie to himself about his true feelings in his relationship, but not done lying to Reader.

A/N: IM BACK!!! So as y’all know I got really sick towards the end of my 30 fics in 30 days event- I’m still going to release the last few fics I missed (and we’re all just gonna pretend it’s still April 😂) this one was requested by @zhuzhubii it’s actually my second song fic and is based on the song tiny vessels. I’m actually super proud of this one and I’m happy to get back into the swing of things with writing 🥰 Also my 1500 follower celebration will likely wait until I finish up the backlog of fics so I don’t overwhelm myself! Feel free to leave me an ask here (I promise I don’t bite) Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy!

Warnings: 18+, Toxic relationship, Lying about feelings and intentions, Brief illusions to sex, Using someone only for their body

Main Masterlist Word Count: 1.3k

The moment I knew, had been a long time coming. It had been just after post coital bliss had faded around me, reality creeping in on the sides as it tried to take hold of me. It had been trying to tell me something, something I had denied for so long. No amount of tossing and turning would banish the slowly creeping in thoughts that attempted to plague my mind. If I had turned and tossed anymore, my partner right beside me would ask what was wrong, and I knew I couldn’t answer it. At least I couldn’t answer it honestly without tearing down what we had built up for ourselves. I never had much that I say I built myself, and even though the foundation was about to cave in, I wouldn’t take the sledgehammer to it myself.

I remember when I told them the first time I told them ‘I love you’. It had been an almost identical situation to where we were now. Two people, naked underneath the sheets, so close physically yet so far emotionally, though I covered that up with my honeyed words of promise.

I always wanted to believe the words I spoke to them, the promises I gave them. Each time I choked out the words, dripping in sentiment and sap I tricked them, and myself into believing them.

Unlike my counterpart I couldn’t fully escape into ignorant bliss. They didn’t know, but I knew deep down everytime I burst open their door after coming home from a rough case. We moved through the dark almost every time, as it was the only time I was available, and it hid my pained expressions pretty well.

All the friends I was telling about our relationship were even convinced too, though I could see a sneaking suspicion crop up in Emily’s eyes every once and a while when I mentioned them. I didn’t tell them the reality, the one that I avoided myself.

It was all for the flesh, nothing of substance lurked underneath, at least for me. Every bite I gave them left a mark, tiny vessels able to be seen creeping up on their skin even in the dark. I claimed them even if I didn’t let them be mine; they could never claim me. They had said they didn’t want those marks to fade, but they inevitably did, showing how hollow my words had been before I nipped at their skin. Once I realized how they faded, how non committed the marks were on their skin, I faded too. I still indulged in the pleasures they freely wanted to give me, but I let my words remain hollow, accepting their meaning without admitting it out loud.

And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me.

Their beauty was unparalleled, it always had been to me. Time and realization had not changed that thought in my mind, though I had lied to myself about the depth of those thoughts. Every brushed touch against their body sent me into a blaze, though it took too long for me to admit that that was the only thing about them I thought about at night.

Their giggle did not make my chest feel light, and our conversations that edged on deep discussions only stimulated my mind because I forced it. Their moans and the softness of their skin were what made me call them at the dead of night, masking it by saying ‘I missed you’. I would then inevitably pivot away from talking about our feelings so I could hear their moans through the speaker of my old phone I only kept around for work, and to call them.

All I see are dark grey clouds now, ruining whatever utopia I had crafted in my mind once I had come to conclude what my real feelings were. If I was honest with myself, it had been lingering at the back of my mind for months now. By now the lie was too hard to escape, and their body felt too good underneath me to let go.

It was vile, and it was cheap of me to trick them for so long into believing that the words whispered into their skin in the dead of night held any true emotion. A kiss on their bare shoulder with a soft rasp of how much they meant to me. Kisses that had been given along the slopes of their pretty face with little whispers of ‘I love you’ in between before I had met their lips with mine.

Another kiss, the last one placed on their forehead given to them after I had promised to bring them the world. And they were all vile, and cheap lies.

Yeah, you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

My thoughts swirled as I continued to stare at them, boring holes into their skin just from my gaze. Guilt nipped at my heels each time another harsh reality tried to slap me across the face, trying to get me to stop trapping them in something I already knew was hollow at its core. Denial was easy when no one else was calling me out for it; something in me almost wanted them to say it, to leave so I would be able to stop living this pathetic lie.

At some point they had sensed my eyes on their body, then looking over at me. Their lips turned downward into a frown, probably after successfully reading the expression on my face. Normally whenever I fixed my gaze on them it was out of admiration, unfortunately if I was going to be honest with myself, it was never because of what lies beneath. I couldn’t force myself to look any deeper than their body.

Too bad being a profiler hadn’t given me the ability to be a good liar, and I wondered if they had figured out long ago that my promises intermingled with kisses were a thinly veiled lie. Maybe they were lying to themselves still.

In the distance, my guilt moved closer every hour.

It would soon swallow me up whole, consuming me when they asked a simple question, “Is something wrong?”

My breath got caught up tight in my chest, my shame welling up so high up it stole my voice for a moment. In the moment that passed, they cocked their head to the side in question innocently. It was almost as if they were mocking the feelings eating at me, showing me how much I was missing by not developing true feelings for them. Damn, right there’s something wrong, but I won’t speak it out loud to let you know.

I felt disgusted with myself, and all I could wonder is if they felt the same way as I did. Wondering did nothing to ease the guilt inside, even as I tried to justify what I was doing.

It would be easier in some regards to come clean about what I was doing, to face the guilt head on. I was a creature of habit however, and hiding in the corners of my mind was one of the things I did best.

So, no we won’t talk about it, because I wouldn’t tell them. I leaned forward to kiss them on the lips, another promise to never let them go that was filled with nothing but lies. The kiss seemed to banish any worry that they still held in the crease of their forehead, their head was now cocked to the side to slant their lips across mine instead.

It was our last kiss of the night, before they went back to their own apartment tonight. My hands roamed up their sides, mapping out every dip and curve with my fingers. It was what I really cherished about them, even if it did make me sick on the inside. Though, I didn’t feel sick enough to say anything more, and I let them go, both of us pretending that it was something more. And, the only reason we were allowed to pretend was because I would not divulge the true reason I gave them those tiny vessels on their neck.

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