#even when i come looking for poetry
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maybe its just because im in a pensive little mood right now, but i’ll try to confine it all into a little white txtpost on a little social media website. but when i put words and ideas in a search bar with the thought of what im going to get back in results, im just taken by a strange... emotion, when i dont get what i expected.
‘omg theyre so online they just discovered surprise’ no, its not surprise. its like... its not relief either -- but there’s something to be said about how people are constantly worried that AI is going to take over their jobs because of recent jumps like chatgpt existing and how whenever i type things into the search and dont get what i want back im like ... yeah, maybe computers and the human mindreading capabilities of AI are a long ways off -- its like love and joy.
its love and joy that i came looking for, say, sand, and got waves and oceans and ships and even cats back. like, hello, cats? how is that in any way related to what i searched?
and i still end up reading the little textposts in the results i get back bc i love how the computer thought that was somehow related and how humanity is so tightly strung together in our minds and our feelings and words that everything crosses over into everything.
#love and joy#love for humanity#algorithm#tumblr#this is specifically about how im trying to find original poem quotes on tumblr and im receiving random posts about fandom analysis into#games and books and movies and its so completely far away from what i was looking for but so cute and so dorky that#even when i come looking for poetry#fandoms and the human passion for analysing story elements#infiltrates and penetrates#like wires crossing over and i can see it all#and this is the era i live in guys#this is the world and time i live in#and maybe my next life ill be a farmer in ancient Mesopotomia and relish in#the fruits of my labour like wheat!! and never know about this niche internet feeling#because how could any human 1300 years imagine that humans today would be feeling#love and compassion from seeing random good omens fandom analysis on a device that breaches all of known human knowledge#when they searched for a poem by Angie Sijun Lou#txt#long post#tags#emotional#personal
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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I played through Aromanticism. I really loved it, and the ending I got ended up making me tear up a little bit. I'm not entirely sure if I'm aromantic, I connected really hard to the poem for personal reasons. And I won't be solving whether or not I am aromantic in your inbox. But I've thought about it a few times. every time I've felt really fearful at the possibility that I might be aromantic. But your poem made me less scared, for just a moment at least.
that makes me so happy to hear. whether you connected to it as an aromantic person or not, if you felt a connection, the poem is meant for you 🖤 i had a lot to say about the reasons that being aro can be a scary prospect, but i think we both know what that mindset is like. as i hope i have already said to you through the poem: it's alright to be afraid. it's also alright to be aromantic. no matter what happens, no matter what you end up deciding for yourself, there is a life out there that awaits you, and it is full of every possibility that you could ever want. take all the time that you want and need with it, be kind to yourself, and don't allow fear to keep you from potential happiness 🖤
if you'd like another space to think about aromanticism/be with aro people, you're welcome to pay a visit to my little aro blog. whether you're aro or not might not get solved in my inbox, but the inbox is always open to you to talk about it, no matter how big or small the issue might be. sending so much affection 🖤
#cannot express how much it means to me to know that it made you less scared for a little bit. huge huge emotions in my chest.#again and again i will say that it's okay to be scared of the possibility. it's a scary thing sometimes.#and it's okay to do it afraid. and sometimes even when your worst fears about it come true there will be wonderful things about it alongsid#if you're looking for an answer to these things. i always think that spending time with other aro people has been the most helpful#both for figuring out that i wanted to identify with the label and for figuring out what i wanted from it#you'll figure it out either way. i have faith in you 🖤#ask#not poetry
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#mine#writers of tumblr#poetry#spilled ink#writing#poem#trauma poetry#trigger warning#tw: trauma#tw: sa#told my mother the truth about my brothers and what they've done to me#she believed me but said she couldn't cut them out of her life#she insisted that because it happened when they were kids it didn't mean they were bad people#she said it was dad's fault#i knew she'd think that but it still hurt so badly to hear her say it#i don't know if i'll ever forgive her for this#anyway#life is painful right now but its better than it was#that's why i was gone so long (if you were wondering)#i didn't want to come back until i could talk about it#thank you for being here#thank you for reading this#thank you for witnessing this even when so many people in my life are looking away#thank you
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sometimes one must lick the stamp and send it (rewatch the scene of bucky trying to convince buck to come to london with him and proceed write introspective drabbles about it like an insane person at 2 in the morning)
#dear god it's me ya girl#please remind me to come back to this and fix in inevitable typos/janky structure when i am not dead on my feet#the way buck looks at bucky when bucky isn't even looking back...... poetry#masters of the air#mota#clegan#buck x bucky#bucky x buck#reiverwrites#you know i'm ass over tit in a new fandom when i write two little things in one week#(the commitment to write something every day in may is helping too i guess)
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pics? pics of poetry for the soul?
Here she is, in all her glory: Bhaal's pinkest disappointment
and a bonus: The original doodle I did on a sticky tab before I decided to make the character
#simon says#bg3#bg3 screenshots#art#my art#doodle#still on the hunt for pink dye#also when we reach the city I am going to go CRAZY in those clothes shops#none of the screenshots show the nightmare dye jobs of everyone else's armor though#okay well the only nightmare one is Astarion because I have yet to find a good color for him so he's constantly wearing ugly colors#another reason he dislikes Poetry added to the list: dyed his armor yellow multiple times#also she plays the lyre because the item description says worshipers of the goddess of love associate it with her#and her name was SO close to being a love related name#also she totally smooched Wyll :3#she is head over heels for the blade of frontiers and gets lots of fun dialog because she's also a warlock#im VERY excited to get to the circus bc apparently fae patrons REALLY wanna go in the circus and will let you use their voice to get in#also yes I did the volo eye thing and shockingly enough it was the first time I ever did it#most of my characters are not dumb enough to let him do that but I needed the benefit for honor mode#honestly I've been wanting to make a pink tiefling for a bit because like... look at her#she's just a regular Asmodeus tiefling too. they come in pink! i didn't even have to use the 'use all skin tones' box it's just available!#honestly making a fun colored tiefling is grand#I think her and Fizzlewood Fleetfoot (my halfling wild sorcerer) are my favorites at the moment#Poetry is just so adorable and I'm absolutely using her to get that achievement for getting lots of gold by playing music in a single game#and Fizzlewood is so silly he's just a nice lil guy wanting to find fun ways out of combat#it's even funnier because Fizzlewood is my Karlak romance and that was by accident but I totally went with it because like...#6 foot something hot hot barbarian and her 3 foot something combat avoidant boyfriend is so fun#anyways highly suggest making a fun colored tiefling or a halfling they're so fun to play#and use the dyes!!! i love using dyes so much!! everyone gets dyed clothes in all my playthroughs!! dye it up!!!#edit: I mispelled Karlach im so sorry baby girl
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genuinely at the point where. i know it’s unfair. but i am angry to the point of distraction whenever i read anything, watch anything, play anything, look at anything, listen to anything. i have so many desires and not the faintest idea how to act on it. any skills i once had have degraded because i don’t have any time to do anything and i get jealous and resentful that there are people who can. or else what is wrong with me that i can’t create great art in my 1-2 hours of free time a day. why am i spending most of my life at work, i still can’t support myself, and there’s people who do less than me for more money, so they have time and energy to do things. the creative drought has gone on so long that the well has been filled in. i can’t even get off from work to refill my meds.
#i had to cancel my appointment in october so i knew it was coming and tried to taper but still#i ran out a few days ago which is probably. not helping this mindset#ppl who can go to therapy every week. who can go to the doctor. who can make art#who can exercise and make new friends and go out and have a side job#i envy you so much i want to throw up#and everyone always says the key to building a skill is practice. how are you supposed to practice when you have no ideas#THAT is the advice i’m looking for and no one seems to understand#even shit like critical analysis. everyone is so much more insightful than me#like i write poetry sometimes but i can FEEL how immature it is#and it feels like i’m just. skimming off the top of my thoughts#truly feels like something in my brain is broken and not in a brain fog way#in a blown fuse way#catch me crying in the bathroom at work for the third week in a row ✌️#and i feel like it just makes me a drag to be around. which exacerbates all of this#i just. don’t have anything going for me. this is all i can think about#and i know it’s frustrating for other people but i just#and there’s people out there who have kids and do more than me so like#what the fuck is my problem#i would just like a break. some time to myself where i don’t have to worry about being too loud and disturbing my mother#the room to stretch my legs
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There are so many books I wanna read and so little time
#booklr#i dont even think i have the time to read the books i already own let alone others i really wanna buy or borrow from the library#i cant WAIT to read claire keegan's new one when it comes out#i've also got to read lucy caldwell's new one and louise kennedy's debut#AND sheena wilkinson's first novel for adults. and all of deirdre madden's i havent read yet#plus some non irish authors i guess 🙄#irish women consistently slay#AND i have to read more of eavan boland and nuala ní dhomhnaill's poetry#and the country girls trilogy which my aunty got me last year for my birthday and which i still havent read yet#it is a joy to have so many wonderful books to look forward to#and aoife moore's book on sinn féin which should be super interesting#this list of white irish women authors keeps getting longer they are not the only people i read lmao i promise
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tags via @the-sage-libriomancer #duke is like if spiderman suddenly started patrolling in gotham #gothamites are used to either big godly heroes like superman or “nonexistent” cryptids like the bats #they've never had to deal with like. a sixteen y/o in a costume walking them home at night #or stopping bank robberies *as they happen* #so there could be some funny culture clash as gotham gets used to this #also yk that post about how robin is credited for all of batman's successes bc gothamites refuse to admit he's real to the rest of the world #that happens to duke all the time now #literally 90% of the bats wins gets attributed to signal bc now the police have someone they can point fingers at#and duke is LIVING for it #finally something he can hold over his brothers (and steph's) heads #who's the most competent gotham superhero now motherfuckers #guess it's technically me because i'm the only one who's confirmed to exist #meanwhile the other batkids are gritting their teeth and telling themselves that it's the mission not the fame that matters #while duke slurps loudly from a Limited Edition Signal™ Mug
gotham got so used to superheros being "other" cities problems that theyre all collectivly like *suprised pika* for a while at the Signal like dr doof meme "A superhero?" slaps a bat on there "A GOTHAM superhero??" and part of the problem for gotham is that duke is just so damn charismatic and good at interacting with the public/rallying people (hes a born leader what can i say) that its about an hour into his debut before everyone thinks to themselves yeah alright hes ours now.
i think in this au We Are Robin still happened but now its like a game of we are signal within the batclan, there's some mixed feelings about everything getting attributed to The Signal for sure, Dick's already drafting up his daytime-sona Discowing 2, Red Hood has never been underground lmao just.... largely considered a rogue and he kinda never changed anyone's mind about it (i have a draft of an interview with the red hood in this au heheheh), the batman? batgirl? batwoman? lmao do you also believe in mothman? robin was a bunch of kids playing crime fighter lmao
anyway i think bruce makes duke wait till he's 18 to join the justice league, making Signal officially Gotham's Favorite Son right up there with other gotham specific celebrities that Wayne Industries guy
bruce 100% buys signal merch lets be real, he's so fucking proud, the rest of the kids (read dick and jason) are trying to make their own bootleg merch to give to bruce for variety but i think it would be super funny if bruce wayne's signal mug becomes like a perminate fixture of his instagram or smth
au where the bats manage to stay urban legends, sure other heroes know of them, but they help largely from the shadows, they aren't put on display and they're hardly known at All outside of the strange circle of gotham's goons
that changes when duke thomas stares batman down and says on no uncertain terms that he's working day shift
the signal is Gotham's first confirmed superhero, and he wears a bat on his chest
social media goes Wild fighting over whether the Batman existed all along or if someone finally got the tech and powers to make the bat (or a bat) Real
suddenly the world of superheros feels a lot more real to the citizens of Gotham who got used to horrible disasters being either ignored or neatly cleaned away from the public eye, now there's a guy getting thrown through windows and helping grannies cross the street and the war between gotham and metropolis gets even more cut throat
#thank u for ur tags i have Even More Ideas now lmao#i love this little au so seeing people have silly ideas makes me love it even More#also side note but i muted notifs for a while and i came back and its at 2k#hello everyone im scared#dick trying to go daytime after duke does is 100% true for me#bruce is trying to dissuade him but dick is dick is dick so.... it will not last#nightwing will be taking the world by storm bruce u can't stop it#jason will 100% be blackmailing and threatening his way onto an insider shoot or smth so he can gush on camera about how well the signal#(who he definitely does not know because he is Definitely a criminal and the Signal is a Hero)#throws a punch or something#“look at that Footwork!!! art! poetry in motion!”#also when the first articles come out about the signal's debut and public reception and all that duke throws a copy onto the dining table#like “i told you so” and bruce not beating the duke is my favorite allegations like yeah you told me so#i have some half baked thoughts about cass in this au as well but i need them to marinate a little bit#batfam#bread talk#thank you again!
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step 1: post "'we're pretty boys for secret girls' from 'austin, we have a problem' by fall out boy is a trans coded lyric."
step 2: turn phone on vibrate
step 3: ....
#myevilposts#suggestive#< it's the implication#also believe this is MAYBE verifiably (i didn't see an og source link so maybe not) a pete lyric though i've heard ppl say that patrick#wrote some or most of the lyrics to 'austin we have a problem' but idk if i believe that. like. lol.#idk if that's true. there is a pete post of the lyric (source pending) though pete did put it in quotes so it's maybe. from something else?#though he did say like the lyrics from 'nobody puts baby in the corner' are things he's said#and i personally often put things i've said irl in quotes in my own poetry so. just my take.#maybe it's pete quoting himself or maybe it's pete quoting something else either way.#peter i love you.#idc if he's trans or not but i just want to talk to him alone for a hot minute or two you know.#and yes as a trans person i'd be happy if someone else came out as trans too. like. lol.#i'd be happy if anyone came out as anything because i like it when people feel free to be themselves.#that's just kind of a given. 'LOOK WHAT THEY'RE DOING TO OUR MEN/WOMEN/CHILDREN/ETC.!' sighs loudly.#i'm not trying to destroy cisness by being happy when people come out as trans and are more happy/comfy with themselves.#and even perhaps hoping that more ppl become comfy enough in themselves to come out. i'm not an evil trans for being happy 4 others.#and i'm not invalidating anyone's gender identity by pointing out that something COULD be READ as TRANS-CODED.#what a fucking wreck you know. don't put words in my mouth. i'd never assume someone is 'secretly trans.'#i mean zero offense basically. i'm just pointing out something that resonated with me on a trans level and idc if it was#intended as such or not bc it makes me happy.
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oh my god ! haha . anyway a bit buzzed perhaps. anyway here's what happened on the date
#at some point i took the earrings off. the metal clanging was screaming their name too loud and it#was 6 knives to the throat and he confirmed it so. here's the kicker. you can be taught a lot and you can have their hands on your thighs#and you can kiss them but even if they pray even if they tell you about the bible looking into you like really they lost what they believed#in a pennsylvania countryside catholic schools with a protestant family since joining the london school of economics#even if they pray for you to stay the whole way even though their hair was softer than hers you think of her and he thinks of someone else#and be tells you none of it will make sense. they smile and they say what a shame you might miss the train but they hold onto you#the entirety of you - like a religion or a polite insistence or something to keep.#you learned they were used to losing everyone they felt bound to love. they said they got really good at letting go. you were told#you think he's being epistemologically#irresponsible and he tells you he carries a massive task. he tells you the responsibility is monumental#and he feels responsible for defining responsibility. he shows you songs and his poetry. my eyes feel on fire.#she doesnt know this. this is marylebone. the next station is edgeware road. everyone here looks happy and high and clear of the doors.#he says tell me when you get to the station and very especially tell me if you don't. the next station is paddington. please mind the gap#between the train and the platform. you say this to him. he says i minds the gap between you and i. i mind it so much that i need you to#come back. he says this because you kissed him briefly but you kissed him well. she says you're a good kisser but he says you have him#stunned. he asks you who decides the truth. he tells you you decide the truth without his mouth. you're fast enough to make it there before#the wheels do. this world is lit by glass and light and people with a pact to fall in love with the abstractions more than each other.#he tells you to be committed to your various intangible loves more than anyone. you both have to be. they love each other anyway.#i was supposed to find a persian poetry book with her on our fourth date except she was hours late. i found it with him. he didnt give up#he should be perfect and i should really like him.
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Image ID: blackout poetry of an anonymous tumblr ask that reads: "Okay, apologies for the not serious chance to get better. But it's just so...sickening [sic] that someone can consider how harmful that is . Please, do some research as to WHY it's wrong. That might help you turn into a decent human being Things aren't for no reason"
#vent post#not actually a vent post lmao but thats the tag#troll#ship hate#blackout poetry#apology accepted anon <3#dont worry#things will get better#life wont hurt forever#there will come a day where you might even find you dont mind the weather#or where you actually look forward to something coming up instead of dreading it#there will come a time where you look back at right now and wonder how you could have ever thought these things were a good idea#and just so you know#when that time comes#i hope you know that i will completely 100% support you#i may have never been in your shoes anon#but i trust that you will remember that your words hold meaning no matter to whom they are said#and that there will always be those who can see the good in you#even when you cant see it yourself#may you go forward into peace and happiness#to anyone who happens to have read this far: i love you and may you have a good timezone
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ABRIL llego,
con la lluvia, cielos grises,
el viento, la brisa
y TU RECUERDO.
— Myself, in reference to Grupo Vennus (1999)
— Edna St. Vincent Millay, Spring
#april#spring#poetry#rain showers for today and it's nice having the windows open with the breeze coming in#poems#dania rambles about shit#here's to an april filled with fortune#asumadre andamos en modo shakespeare 🧐#to summarize those last two weekends were quite eventful lol#we drank the equivalent I'd say of an entire bar? yeah those three days were something#the former distraction showed not to be a weenie and even shook hands for greetings & goodbyes when he showed up to the carne asada lol#and that's when I realized they didn't really matter much anymore not after nearly a year of no contact#so we're good to go and whatnot leaving that part behind#anyway#looking forward to August again because we're going on vacation yeehaw
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Eclipse
May night descending be a mere eclipse;
Dim light hung close, but brushing harmless by
May shadows curl in sleep with softer curves
Til gleaming slivers wisp to brighter day
May sun’s bright rays ever ’round corners be
The lamps mere stopgap for the light to come
The cooling winds bring nothing but relief
To sweat-slick skin in summer’s sneaking burst
Between winter and spring. Stranger and friend
Alike shall pour onto the new-mow’d lawn,
Impromptu-picnic-party in full force.
Press safety glasses into your friends’ hand
Stare up towards the moon’s new waltzing dance-
The dark has passed. It’s alright. Go to class.
#orchids write poetry#im in a sonnet kick lately#point being#I woke up having a Straight Up Awful Fuckign Day#got semi-outed to my mom (read: cried too hard abt mom complaining about trans ppl)#(and she figured out that I knew that she knew I was not cis)#(she still loves me. which is nice. Hope she comes around to the idea.)#Point Being!!!#I still had to go to ASL class. and the time I left was right when the eclipse was starting#my ASL TA flagged me down and shared their glasses with me so I could look#and then my teacher started cracking jokes to make me feel better#we didn’t do much actual work in class but I felt much better#and then I went to my best college friend’s house and we went out to the market to buy ice cream#and binge season 16 of drag race#praise be to God. today wasn’t a wash. what felt like night was simply an eclipse.#genuinely praise be to God.#even now He is with me. in the many little joys.#I feel a lot better now.
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365 Days of Poems: Day 4 (January 4th)
Spurious Memory
they tell me
what i remember
is quite “spurious”
“spurious” is rather
an interesting word
for my experience
it means fake
false
illegitimate
to my mind
and applied to
what happened to
me that night
it means planted
fabricated
forged
if the bright lights
of magenta and teal
in saturations beyond sight
and the disappearance of
my rusted-out pick-up truck
in wide barren acres
along with my own
cold and trembling vanishing
longer than seasons know
was all fake
false
illegitimate
that i didn't feel
smooth ceramic and blood
against my bare thighs
ice pool inside me
from the tessellating terror
parts of myself breaking
like glass in suspension
then someone gave them
to me for nightmares
to dread and haunt
- - - - -
Here's the link to the corresponding writing prompt post
#firstly i will say that formatting this one on here was a pain in the ass#i wanted to do something that moves all across the page and feels disjointed and scattered#but is not reflected in the words (as they are pretty clear and descriptive)#so it was easier to achive this on docs through the intention and alignment features#and i tried my best to replicate them here#(i hope it looks okay on desktop and on other mobile types)#when it comes to the contents of the poem itself#i will leave that up to reader interpretation cos i know what its about is a bit ambiguous#i just hope im nudging people in a direction that is ajacent to what i had in mind while writing this#as for what my 4th was like i recall my girlfriend and i going shopping (well they went in while i stayed in the car cos i didnt feel well)#and then they made us nachos when we were home#i also believe on the 4th (or perhaps the 3rd or even the 2nd) i read my first book of the year which was the test by sylvain neuvel#it was pretty good but it was nowhere near as 'messed up' as the reviews on goodreads led me to believe it would be#thanks for reading#writing#writer#creative writing#writing prompt#poem#poetry#writeblr#trying to be a writeblr at least#*indentation (not intention)
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pairing: old!logan x f!reader
Logan is sick and tired of you treating him like he's fragile. He'll ignore his relentless pain to show you what it's like to be taken apart, rough and slow, then fast and agonizing.
wc: 3.5k of pure smut
warnings: heavy smut, lap sitting, fingering, oral (f!receiving and m!receiving), dirty talk, facials, p in v, ruined orgasms, snowballing, kind of angsty, the claws come out, logan is angry with you, kinda toxic, definitely mean, but still kind of sweet, pwp basically, blood, but it's not bloodplay, it's just logan not caring if he's hurt, if i missed any let me know.
Logan comes home and throws himself back on that torn-up leather sofa, thumb flicking his lighter while the other holds a cigar. It’s less of a distraction from the ache in his bones, and more of a device to push you away. Because if you think he’s tired or angry or hurting, you won’t ask him to fuck you.
It’s not like he doesn’t want you. Of course he does. It’s the sympathy in your eyes when he gets tired from just a couple of minutes of thrusting that he hates. The whispered, “It’s okay. baby, I can ride you.” The gentle touches across his body and his neck and his face and his beard. It all reeks of pity. And if you were to sit him down one day and ask him why he hates being taken care of, he wouldn’t have an answer. He would push the voice in his head down into the void that all the strength he had left fell in, the voice shrinking until it’s nothing as it screams, because I’ve never been taken care of, and I would’ve loved it back when being taken care of wasn’t my only choice.
But it’s fine. You wouldn’t ever ask him that question because he knows for a fact that you don’t know. If you did, you wouldn’t be climbing onto his lap quietly, hands rubbing his sides as you press kisses to his neck.
“I missed you, Logan,” You whisper. Your hips aren’t moving; He knows he sat here like this to avoid fucking you, but he almost wishes you were seeking exactly that. Sex, as embarrassing as it would be for him, is better than your sick love. He doesn’t think you love in the way lovers do. It’s the kind of love meant for sick puppies, or the lonely old woman sitting on the bus with all her belongings in plastic bags.
He turns his head to take a drag of his cigar. Silence.
You hold his face, forcing him to look at you as you kiss him. Slow, chaste, no tongue. He feels scrutinized by your touches, and something nervous seats itself deep in his belly.
“How was your day?” You ask, your gaze snapping between his eyes.
Logan closes them. “I’m tired,” He says flatly.
“I know. It’s okay.”
There it is again. Pity.
He scoffs. It’s quiet. Barely there. He didn’t mean to. He watches your face fall the smallest bit. A year ago, he wouldn’t have noticed, and if he would’ve, he would blurt out an apology. Now, he does notice, but he secretly wants to watch it fall even further if it means you’ll realize how much you’ve been hurting him.
You swallow, your thumb rubbing his cheekbone. “I found an American poetry anthology in the basement today. 20th Century. My favorite poem was in it.”
He mumbles, “In a Station of the Metro. T.S. Elliot.” Remembering the poem you told him about months ago sounds too much like sorry. He wishes he’d pretended to forget.
“Ezra Pound,” You correct. Your smile tells him he’s forgiven for an apology he never offered. “If you can recite it I’ll be impressed.”
“I’m not reciting a goddamn poem.” He sounds sarcastic, and it relieves you, but then you kiss him and he’s wound tight again.
You sigh as you pull back. “What’s bothering you, baby?”
“Nothing’s bothering—”
“What’s bothering you?” You interject.
He shakes his head, clenching his jaw. He makes the decision to sacrifice his dignity for the sake of stopping this conversation. You never could resist an orgasm, especially one caused by him. “Enough of that.”
“What?”
But he’s putting out his cigar and lifting you off his lap with a suppressed grunt, then pushing you down on the couch.
“Logan,” You protest.
He continues undoing the drawstring of your pajamas, with a kind of slippery urgency that tells you he's trying to shut you up more than he's trying to satiate his own desire.
You sit up straight, swatting his hand away. “Stop.”
He withdraws immediately, breathing hard through his nose as he looks down at the floor. He was wrong, before, about you not knowing. You definitely know, because you don’t place a loving hand on his thigh and you don’t kiss his shoulder. He’s grateful.
Instead, you observe his profile, then the quiet tremor in his hand. The impossible stillness of the rest of him. He tends to do that when his nerves are on fire. Thinks being a statue is what people who aren’t in chronic pain do.
“Don’t do that,” He mumbles, feeling your eyes on him. “I don’t need you feeling sorry, or whatever—whatever the fuck else goes through your head when you’re around me.”
You say nothing. That’s the most he’s said about his feelings in a while. He knows it, so he forces himself to say nothing, too. It doesn’t last long.
“I’m not dying.” His voice cracks a little at the end and he fights the urge to squeeze his eyes shut.
“I know.” The words come out in a tumble, as if you’re rushing to participate in his lie.
“Then stop looking at me like I’m dying.”
“Okay.” Tears prickle your eyes but you blink them away.
“Okay,” He repeats.
You take a deep breath. “But it’s okay to be cared for, Logan.”
He laughs incredulously, and suddenly his volume is rising and his voice is firm. “Would you just—Would you just quit being my fuckin’ mommy? Would you?”
He only lets your silence marinate for a second before he rushes in to kiss you, ignoring the cramps in his muscles as he tugs your neck forward roughly. You squeak against his mouth, fighting his impossible grip on you, but you give up with a shaky exhale through your nose when your efforts prove useless.
“I can take care of you, too,” He grits out. It would sound sweet if it weren’t for the frustration in his tone. He pushes you onto the couch the same way he did moments before as he opens your legs by your knees and settles between them. He sucks a dark mark onto your neck, his fingers digging bruises in your ribs.
“I know you can,” You reassure him. You can see where this is going. “And I love when you do.” You gasp when he pulls your shirt up over the curve of your breasts.
“No. You don’t.” He pinches one of your nipples and sucks the other into his mouth for a brief second. “It’s okay. I’ll show you so you don’t forget again. You won’t want to get ruined any other way.”
“Logan,” You sigh.
He hums against the soft skin just underneath your breast as his hands ravage your body. He begins to unsheathe the adamantium claws in one of his hands so he can rip your top open. It’s slow and excruciating, so he closes his eyes, but the pain is over too soon and his suspicions are confirmed when he opens his eyes to see them stuck halfway.
You don’t expect him to lean back and individually tug each blade free. There’s blood, and now it’s dripping onto your belly, and he mumbles something that sounds like an apology as he wipes the dots of red away with his thumb.
But the hazel in his eyes is alive again. You hope it’s you that did that. Hope it’s not the pain or the sight of his own blood. You want to ask him, just to make sure. You don’t like hurting, right? You just really like me—
He slices through your shirt, careful not to graze your skin, and you try to ignore the fact that he’s never that cautious with himself, but you can’t.
“Logan, you’re bleeding.” Your voice is unstable.
“It’ll heal,” He says quickly, passively. He wipes his burning palm on his wifebeater.
“But that takes a long time now.”
He meets your eyes, his movements frozen. He’s angry and you’re not stupid. You’re pitying him again. He needs you to stop fucking pitying him. When he speaks, his voice is deep and rough and slow, and you would be scared if he wasn’t your Logan. “Are you done?”
You don’t know what to say, so you just close your eyes and nod. You hear his claws retract faster than when they came out, and almost simultaneously, he’s shoving that same hand under your waistband as two of his calloused fingers push themselves into your cunt.
You arch toward him involuntarily, a ragged moan falling from your lips as he tugs your pajamas off your legs and spits on your pussy to ease the slide of his fingers.
Each groan he pulls from your throat is a step toward dispelling the doubt from your body. Doubt of his capabilities, of his strength, of his devotion to you.
“Beg me to fuck you,” He demands, fingering you roughly.
Your mind is cloudy at this point, from sadness or arousal or both, but you give him what he wants. “Fuck me,” You whisper, your eyelids about to flutter shut as you shed a tear.
But then you catch Logan smiling.
He grabs your jaw with his free hand, and you look at him immediately. “You’re gonna let me use it, right? Get myself off?” You lazily trace his features with your gaze—His nose, his wrinkles, his beard—because you know if it were your fingers instead he’d mistake it for tenderness and get mad again.
You nod, but it’s weak with how hazy everything is.
“Good girl.”
“Please,” You sigh, “I need you inside of me. I need to—I need it.”
“I know. I know what you’re feeling before you feel it.” He lets the pad of his thumb draw quick circles on your clit. “What? Thought I couldn’t hear you playing with yourself in the shower? If I can hear your heartbeat when I walk through the door, what makes you think I wouldn’t have heard you whining my name?”
“Logan,” You sigh, your hips lifting off the couch, coaxing his fingers deeper for as long as possible before he’s shoving you back down with the heel of his palm.
“I’m gonna play with you now. I’ll fuck you after, don’t worry your pretty head about it.”
“What do you mean, play with me?” You breathe, fighting to keep your eyes open as he finds your g-spot.
He grins dirtily, in a way that makes your head spin and your thighs clench around his hand. You’re barely processing his words as he bends down to mumble in your ear, “Right when you’re about to make a mess on my fingers, I’m gonna stop. Then I’m gonna go down on you. And I’m gonna lick your pretty pussy, maybe even fuck you with my tongue if you’re good. And guess what? Guess what I’m gonna do when you’re this close?”
“You’re gonna stop,” You whine.
“I’m gonna stop,” He nods, and it’s mocking, but it’s gentle, and he’s fucking killing you with the way he’s talking right now. “But I’m not mean. I’ll give you a break. You can calm down when my dick is in your mouth, okay?”
“Okay,” You breathe, your hips unabashedly grinding on his fingers. But you want to reassure him he is mean, and you especially want to tell him how much you love it. “Logan, I’m gonna—”
He withdraws his fingers from you so fast it almost burns. You clench around nothing, your lower half spasming as your orgasm barely approaches before falling away again. Only a hint of pleasure is able to make it through the cracks, and you cling onto it, hoping if you focus hard enough, the wave will come back. It doesn’t. You should regret warning Logan that you were about to finish, but all you feel is comfort now that he’s finally proud of you again.
Another tear streams down the side of your face, landing in your hair. Logan’s watching you as he pets your thigh, his lips parted when he leans down over you. He kisses your wet cheek softly, his beard rough on your skin. It’s unlike him to offer you affection this gracefully during sex. It’s always shaky limbs and suppressed groans and dirty kisses. Both of you know it.
He moves down your body, until his face is hovering over your cunt. He doesn’t have his reading glasses on, so he has to pull his head back and squint as he spreads your folds with his thumbs, studying what you look like. He licks a stripe over you. A second, longer one, before he zeroes in on your clit. You can do nothing except lay there and take it as your hips twitch from overstimulation under his firm hands.
“Oh my god,” You whisper, your fingers twisting in his hair. “F-Fuck.”
He moans at that, pressed right up against you, the sound deep and delicious and vibrating. “Feel good?” He asks teasingly with a nip to your inner thigh.
“What do—What the fuck do you think?”
He breathes a laugh. It’s short and airy, not frustrated like before, and a warmth ignites itself in the back of your mind. It’s overpowering even the feeling of his mouth licking and sucking your most sensitive area; It’s the relief that he’s still hiding the Logan you fell in love with somewhere in there.
You wind your fingers in his hair and scratch his scalp. You try to do it lovingly, although it comes across as sexual and Logan’s breath hitches in pleasure against your pussy instead. So as you suppress a gasp from the pure skill of his tongue, you show your affection differently—you hold the wounded hand he has resting face-up beside your hip. The cuts embedded there are easy to avoid as your thumb rubs the lines of his palm, because even though you can’t see his hand, the puffiness surrounding each slash on his skin are your cues.
He doesn’t move his hand away, but his tongue falters for a fraction of a second before slowing down.
The kind of love you’re pressing into Logan’s skin with each gentle stroke is unrecognizable to him. It’s not the pitiful love he’s so used to. He thinks it might be the opposite. Admiration. Reverence.
“I’m so empty,” You whisper, bringing your hands to grope Logan’s biceps. They’re sweaty and hard and flexing under your touch, and you wonder if he would let you ride them one day.
When your climax starts to creep up on you, it’s thanks to the image of Logan forcing you to lick your arousal clean off his bicep. Indulgently swirling your tongue along his pronounced veins, savoring the taste of his sweat mixed with yourself. He’d probably say somthing like, fuckin’ filthy. Getting yourself off on my arm. Who does that? Are you that obsessed with me?
Logan feels you squeezing his tongue, harder than all the other times before, so he withdraws at the last moment, ruining your orgasm once again.
You convulse silently, your breath coming out stuttered with your twitching jaw. As if he can read your mind, he unbuckles his belt and removes his pants and boxers. But he doesn’t strip himself of his wifebeater, stained with blood.
It’s the hottest thing in the world.
You blink, and suddenly Logan is hovering above you with his cock over your face. He rubs his leaking tip on your cheeks first, then your lips, and when you open your mouth to take him, he moves his cock away and nudges your jaw shut with his free hand, shaking his head.
“Not yet.”
A whine lodges itself in your throat as Logan spreads his pre-come over the plush of your lips. It escapes only when he lets go of his cock in favor of massaging his wetness across your lips and on your tongue with his thumb. His hard cock is bobbing above you, almost tantalizingly, the occasional drip of arousal landing itself somewhere near your eyes, then your hair, then your mouth, and you watch Logan’s brow furrow as you try to lick whatever you can.
His resolve snaps. A calloused hand squeezes at your cheeks until your jaw falls open. His cock is in your mouth before you can process it, thick and heavy and wet. So. Incredibly. Wet. You start to wonder how it’s even possible that he’s this hard at his age, but you know he wouldn’t want you to be wondering that, so you happily push the thought away.
You suck your cheeks in, swirling your tongue around his tip as you bob your head to meet the subtle, almost imperceivable thrust of his hips. You’re taking it well, you know you are. So you keep taking it, until Logan can no longer successfully suppress his moans and his hips are jerking out of rhythm.
He moves back until his cock slips out of your mouth. “I don’t wanna come like this. Wanna fuck you.”
“Yeah, yes. Fuck me. Please.”
He stands up and turns you on your front, your knees pressing into the soft couch cushions with your ass in the air.
“Logan,” You plead as you feel his tip pressing at your entrance.
“I’ve got you,” He says quietly, pushing in until half of his cock is comfortably squeezed by your cunt. Both your breathing is loud and labored, and there’s a specific kind of intimacy in knowing you’re both feeling this identical need. Overwhelming and hot and unquenchable by anything other than each other.
His first thrust is shallow, but it ruins you all the same. With how thick he is, it should feel like an intrusion, and it does. But all you can think about is how perfectly he fits inside of you, filling you extraordinarily with only a few inches.
“Fuck,” Logan breathes. “Look at that.” He traces around your entrance with his thumb. “Stretching so wide to take me.”
You moan, pressing your cheek against the sofa as you rock with his thrusts. He still hasn’t pressed all the way in yet, and you’re growing impatient. “Come on,” You urge, pushing yourself back to force more of his cock into you.
You expect him to chastise you for being so greedy, but he listens to you instead with a slow, full thrust. His tip nudges your cervix with how deep he is, and a ragged moan escapes you. “Yes,” You whine, “Oh god, yes.”
Logan’s breaths are coming out heavy through his nose, quick and occasionally intertwined with a grunt. His thrusts are getting quicker, and it’s starting to burn, but you welcome every sensation he has to offer you. He pulls out, spits on his cock, then shoves himself back inside, and this time you’re both unabashedly moaning the minute you’re joined again.
His fingers dig in the plush of your ass as he observes himself disappearing into you. It hurts, but you love it. He knows you do, so he spanks you quickly before gripping you and rutting against you again.
“I love when you fuck me,” You whisper, feeling ashamed as soon as the confession leave you. “When you properly fuck me.”
He slows for a moment so he can watch his cock glisten with how wet you are. “I know.” He picks back up his punishing pace.
Your eyes begin to water, from pain or pleasure, you can’t tell. “I love you.”
“I know,” He repeats, this time breathier. His hips stutter. You can tell he’s close.
“I want it on my face,” You tell him quickly, his impending orgasm giving you no time to worry about being too forward.
He pulls out again, letting you turn onto your back as he shifts up your body. He jerks himself furiously, but you swat his hand away and take it upon yourself to stroke him.
“Come for me,” You tell him honestly, softly. His eyes squeeze shut and his lips part around a trembling exhale.
He groans as his release coats your face in long stripes. Some of it even lands in your hair, but you don’t care. Your own fingers work your clit as you stick your tongue out and taste him. Logan bends down to kiss you, chest heaving and hands shaky, and you rub yourself faster as you swap his release between the two of you with a hum. He pulls back to let you swallow, then he kisses your cheeks with his rough beard, uncaring about the mess on your face.
You don’t know you’re coming until it’s over and you’re breathless, and it’s almost excruciating with how much he’s ruined you, but you’re so exhausted you can’t find it in yourself to dwell on it a second longer.
You wrap your arms around his neck and tug him down for another kiss because you can hardly remember the one he just gave you.
“I’m sorry I had been treating you all wrong,” You say carefully.
“It doesn’t matter anymore.” His voice is rough.
You nod, your lips brushing his as you smooth sweaty strands of hair away from his forehead. These touches are hard for him. Any variation of your chaste affection is a reminder that he’s not really Logan anymore.
But the shame in it is gone. Replaced by the reassurance that he can still surround you with safety and firm hands and blatant desire;
And for a moment, he’s his old self again.
A/N: it's been so long since i've written anything, but logan has been consuming my brain for weeks so i had to get this out. i hope it's true to his character. <3 also, my asks are open, so feel free to request anything you want to read about.
#hugh jackman#logan howlett x reader#logan howlett smut#hugh jackman x reader#wolverine smut#deadpool and wolverine#logan howlett#x men#old!logan x reader#old man logan#old man logan x reader
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