#even though statistically it’s improbable that I’m the only one to like something

[purpleponder]

The moment I realized I actually have an irl friend who also likes dcmk, who I can ramble to and can drag to movies without guilt of wasting their time since they also want someone to drag out to watch dcmk movies and ramble with as well was one of the best moment in my life.

Literally, having online friends who love what you love is great, amazing even! But this is the first time someone irl likes the dorky niche anime shit I like! Something about that is amazing!

[tvb0y]

Okay, so I decided to write something for the Hunger Games x ROTMNT but mixed with some elements of the 2012 TMNT and making it a human AU so here:

—

The sun beat down on the crowd gathered in District 12’s square, casting sharp shadows across the faces of children and parents alike. The atmosphere was thick with tension, as everyone knew what was coming, but no one wanted to believe it could happen to them. Raphael, Leonardo, Donatello, and Michelangelo stood in a tight cluster, the anxiety gnawing at their insides. Mikey shifted nervously, trying to shake off the feeling of dread that had been sitting in his stomach since that nightmare he'd had.

"I’m telling you, Don, I had this nightmare last night… My name got called," Mikey muttered, his voice just loud enough for his brothers to hear.

Donnie, ever the logical one, gave him a reassuring pat on the back. "Statistically, it’s improbable, Mikey. Your name’s only in there once. The odds are in your favor."

Mikey tried to believe him, but as they approached the square, the sight of other kids—every one of them dressed in their best clothes—sent a chill down his spine. They were all prepared for the worst, even if they didn’t say it out loud.

Mikey himself was wearing a white button-up shirt with a navy blue vest, the kind that he usually reserved for dinners or special occasions. That oh-so familiar orange bandana was tied around his head, his hair pulled into a short ponytail.

His brothers were dressed similarly, though each had their own twist. Leo had a dark blue tie that matched his vest, it was Splinter’s old vest and tie if Mikey can remember right. Donnie wore a deep purple tie, a subtle nod to his favorite color, while Raph had stubbornly refused to wear a tie at all, opting instead for a simple black jacket over his shirt. It was as much "Sunday best" as Raph would allow himself.

They joined the others in the square, standing among the other children who were lined up in their respective age groups. Mikey couldn’t help but notice the way some of the older kids shifted nervously, the way their hands trembled as they tried to keep a brave face.

But now, as the Capitol representative—a woman with an overly bright smile and an even brighter outfit—took the stage, all the assurances in the world didn’t seem to matter. Mikey’s heart pounded in his chest, his hands sweating as he tried not to think about what was about to happen.

The woman—decked out in Capitol fashion, all shimmering fabric and absurdly high heels—smiled as she approached the microphone. “Welcome, welcome!” she trilled. “Happy Hunger Games! And may the odds be ever in your favor!” Her voice was sickly sweet, as if she actually believed what she was saying. “I think it’s preferred we skip the chit-chat and go on into picking the names, shall we? And as always,” She smiled. “Ladies first.”

With a theatrical flourish, she reached into the glass bowl holding the girls' names and fished around. Raphael watched her fingers dance over the slips of paper, his stomach churning with dread. It felt like the world was holding its breath.

“And the female tribute from District 12 is…Cassandra Jones!”

A murmur rippled through the crowd. The name seemed unfamiliar, and puzzled glances were exchanged. “Who?” was whispered among the onlookers, their confusion palpable.

As soon as the name "Cassandra Jones" was announced, all three brothers immediately turned to Mikey, who had a knack for knowing everyone in their district.

Mikey, usually a fountain of information socially, looked genuinely puzzled. His brows furrowed in thought before he shrugged. "Uh… I got nothing," he admitted, scratching his head. "I've never heard of a Cassandra Jones. Have you?"

Donnie frowned, adjusting his glasses as if trying to recall something he might have missed. "Cassandra Jones? The name doesn’t ring any bells. And I've gone through all the registries."

Leo kept his eyes trained on the crowd, watching intently for any movement. Maybe she would come up to podium? Maybe then they would find out who she is. “If none of us know who she is, how does the Capitol?”

Raph, however, was the first to notice Casey’s movement toward the podium. As the crowd’s uncertainty grew, Casey Jones made his way through the sea of people. He was calm, though his eyes betrayed a storm of emotions. With a determined stride, he approached the podium, his expression set in a grim line. Raph’s brows furrowed in confusion. “Wait… why’s Casey walkin’ up there?” he muttered to his brothers.

The escort, momentarily thrown off by the reaction, cleared her throat and tried to maintain her cheerful demeanor. “And here we have our tribute, Cassandra Jones!”

Her tone grew smug and condescending, a sharp contrast to the gravity of the moment. “And my my! Isn’t this a sight? You certainly look the part for a female volunteer, young lady.”

Okay. Raph’s known Casey for majority of his life, when Casey was 14 and arrived to the District. Oh yes, Raphael Hamato knew him. An adrenaline junkie who constant did stupid things to prove himself. Switched between languages, one called Spanish that Raph had never heard of but now knew a few words. Casey would constantly laugh when Raph mispronounced it or got masculine and feminine terms mixed up. He knew Casey Jones.

He didn’t have a single fucking clue who Cassandra was.

But Raphael’s own confusion didn’t matter. They all watched as Casey, with a casual but determined stride, made his way down the dirt aisle. Raph’s eyes narrowed as he caught sight of something small and slithering in Casey’s hand. He had watched Casey casually take it out of his pocket, holding it behind his back between calloused fingers partially clothed by black fingerless gloves. “Is that… a snake?” he whispered, incredulous.

He remembered that snake. He remembered seeing Casey with it in the woods, sitting on a tree and singing. It was surprise to Raph too, he didn’t know Casey could sing. He sung about a hanging tree, where three men were killed. He was telling a story, singing to a mellowed-out snake who wrapped around his hand.

“Guess he’s a music lover,” Casey had told him. “I was singing in these woods once and little fucker’s just stuck to me like glue ever since.”

Raphael was quickly snapped out of the memory, seeing Casey climb up to the podium. Then, with one swift motion, grabbed the back of the collar and put the snake inside. It wriggling and writhing in the fabric while the woman screamed and clawed at her back. The confused gasps and murmurs from the audience turned to those of shrieks and murmurs. And some of laughter.

The announcer’s shriek filled the air as she squirmed, her face a mask of shock and revulsion. The crowd gasped, the noise escalating as the announcer struggled to free herself from the serpent.

Donnie’s eyes widened. “Did he just…?”

“Yeah, he did,” Raph confirmed, a mixture of disbelief and admiration creeping into his voice. “That crazy son of a—”

Before he could finish his sentence, Casey took the microphone, his voice slightly unsteady but filled with unyielding defiance. "I’m not here to entertain you or fit your mold. I’m here because it’s been forced upon me, and I’m not going to play along with your twisted games." He addressed the audience watching the reaping on the tvs with a piercing gaze.

He paused, letting the weight of his words sink in. “So, in short,” he said, a bitter edge to his voice, “You all can KISS MY MOTHERFUCKIN’ ASS.”

Casey finished his bold statement with a short bow, a cheeky grin on his face as he winked at the crowd. The Capitol, specifically President Snow, might have been used to fear and obedience, but he wasn't about to give them that satisfaction. No, Casey wasn’t obedient in the slightest. He was crude, brash, and emotionally impulsive. Core values he had affected his everyday thinking and doing, and like hell was the games gonna take it away from him.

The crowd's reaction was a mixture of gasps, nervous laughter, and murmurs of disbelief. Raph, Donnie, Leo, and Mikey watched in stunned silence as Casey turned his attention to the announcer. The woman had finally managed to yank the snake from inside her clothing, her face red with rage and embarrassment. The snake, having completed its mission, slithered casually up Casey's leg and back into his pocket. It was as if it was trained and it led Raph wondering where the hell did Casey even find the time to train a snake he got over two months ago??

The woman, her dignity bruised, walked up to Casey, her expression darkening with each step. Before anyone could react, she raised her hand and smacked him harshly across the face, sending him sprawling to the ground. The collective gasp from the crowd was almost audible.

"Be lucky I don’t have you killed where you stand," she muttered lowly, her voice dripping with venom.

Raph’s face twisted into a snarl, barely containing his anger. "That’s just... damn it! We need to do something," he growled, though he knew better than to act out. Like yeah, maybe Casey did kinda deserve that but that woman with her bright colors and painted face and her fucking cheery voice deserved that snake in her dress even more.

Donnie adjusted his glasses, his expression cold. "She’s making an example out of him. Trying to reassert control after he embarrassed her in front of everyone."

Leo’s gaze hardened, his fists tightening at his sides. "We can't do anything now. Not here," he said, though his tone suggested that he was holding back just as much anger as Raph. “Casey’s trying to make a statement. The best and really, only thing we can do from here is support him the best way we can. Silently.”

Raph’s arms remained crossed, a slight smile on his face. “Stubborn bastard.” What? It took balls to do that. Balls that Raph did have but wasn’t willing to risk it since he had brothers, "That’s one hell of a way to make a statement," he muttered, shaking his head in grudging respect.

As Casey lay on the ground, two Peacekeepers rushed to help him up, but he swatted their hands away, refusing their assistance. He pushed himself to his feet, wincing slightly but keeping his chin held high. He wiped the blood from the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand, his eyes glaring defiantly at the announcer.

The crowd remained silent, unsure of how to react. The announcer, now regaining her composure, sneered at Casey but made no further move against him. “Well, no that that’s over with!” Her cheery voice had an anger to it, passively aggressive. “Let’s get to the male tribute.”

Her hand skimmed through the folded paper theatrically, before she finally pulled one and unfolded it, reading the name with a cheer.

“Michelangelo Hamato!”

—

EEEEEEP *hands this to you and runs away giggling*

EEEEEEKKKK THIS IS SO GOOD IM LITERALLY FRESKAING OUT TURN THIS INTO A FANFICTION OR SMTH AUFHH

[alphateamsfinest]

❛ you can’t save everyone. ❜ from nea karlsson

𝐡𝐢𝐭 ‘𝐞𝐦 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐡��𝐫𝐭𝐬 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬.

It’s probably a statistical impossibility that one lone woman could save everyone. Improbable yes, but to one Jill Valentine, she feels like maybe they’re all just wrong. No, she doesn’t want to be some superhero, but she wants to be someone who does the right thing. Someone who actively works to make things better, to try to save those around her, her teammates, her friends. 

Even though she hears Nea’s voice it still hurts, it still hits her harder than she would like. They shouldn’t have to die here, they shouldn’t have to die day in and day out in a world so cruel, that exists only to cause them pain. A place like this weighs heavily on Jill, weighs on her bright spirit, and tries to turn her into something she isn’t. A shaky exhale escapes before Jill looks back at Nea. “I’m not going to stop trying. I can’t give them that.”

[hamelin-born]

@sparklecryptid​ @raven-6-10

You know, I’m just going to respond to these in reverse order. Because the thought amuses me, and it’s that kind of day. To start out with - I don’t think the Curse would be directly responsible for the historically low birth rate of Lucis Caelums. 

(Seriously. There’s a very famous statistic about how roughly the entire population of Europe is descended from Charlemagne - if you go back far enough, everyone’s related to everyone else. The idea that the family line of Lucis Caelum descends in unbroken descent without  any branches at all is so improbable that there’s something fishy going on.)

(Why do I say ‘no branches at all’? Because if there were branches,  there would probably be a hell of a lot more what I’ll term ‘active magic-users’ in Eos.)

The indirect aftereffects of the curse might do it, though. If you’re cursed to inevitable ruin/doom/treason, it might make it a bit hard to find a suitable partner to make All The Babies With. Add in premodern infant mortality rates, and, well... A lot of Lucis Caleums might simply haven’t have had the time, a lot of the prospective spouses might have (wisely) decided that no, they didn’t want to get involved with this ongoing burning dumpster of whatever situation the Doom had conjured up, that kind of thing.  And listen, you will not convince me that, while ruthlessly pragmatic, so many Lucis Caelums had it drummed into them since birth to not go having casual sex because of the inevitable bastards that could be a succession threat (also, threat of kinslaying/treason, anyone?) that even the ones who were not Hopeless Romantics usually held out for marriage. 

Also because it sincerely amuses me to picture the Draconian desperately trying to matchmake his Crystal Kings so the line doesn’t go extinct before the Chosen King arrives. 

I agree with you; it’s just so much more delicious for the Line of Somnus to have absolutely no clue whatsoever about the Curse. Partly because Somnus, at least at first, probably didn’t think he’d done anything wrong (this is important, I’ll come back to it shortly) and partly because he believed that Bahamut had negated it.

Because - because, to expand upon (let’s be honest, create from whole cloth) the Curse’s mechanics... This is a Death-Curse. This is a Curse with the full power of a Lucis Caelum thrown behind it, holding *nothing* back (to be fair, Ardyn himself didn’t know at the time that he was going to be returning from death shortly). More than that, it is a Curse that, instead of Eru and the Valar, is most likely calling on Etro and Eos. And - 

I think that the real reason that Somnus didn’t believe in the Curse, despite the sheer power that it held, is because that when you call on those deities, it has to be for a righteous reason. The law of Karma; if it isn’t for a righteous cause, the curse turns on you.  

And Somnus - 

Somnus believed he had done nothing wrong. 

As it stands, this is a death-curse backed by 1) the full power of a very powerful Lucis Caelum (Ardyn put everything he had into it) 2) Etro and Eos 3) The full power of the StarScourge itself. And it’s only accumulated more strength and momentum as the centuries roll by. 

I don’t think that Leviathan would have told them about the Curse. Simply because I wanna include a living Regis  in the sheer horror of the revelation thereof - and you know what? It’s even worse if he finds out about it after he’s spent years coming to terms with Noctis’s inevitable fate. It’s worse if Noctis is standing right beside him when the Curse is rediscovered, and they find out about it at the same time. No, I’m not sure how they find out about it - an old, old manuscript that’s been forgotten about for centuries? A new archeological find? Gilgamesh, who probably was there when the damn thing was cast? 

And you know what image has been haunting me for days? 

The voice of whoever is reciting the Curse just - being overlaid as the recitation continues. Overlain with a stranger’s voice, rasp and cadence entirely unfamiliar, but the emotion unmistakable as it pronounces a terrible doom. Hate and spite and grief and betrayal, a black rage that could drown the world - 

Ardyn’s voice, echoing down through the centuries. 

(Hmm, maybe I should prompt that to @sparklecryptid?)

An AU where Ardyn actually cursed Somnus' entire bloodline with some suitably horrific fate* until either a) his own bloodline is returned to the throne or b) Somnus' entire line dies out.

*I was thinking Ardyn worded his curse a la Doom of the Noldor. You gotta admit it's hard to outdo that one when it comes to curses that completely fucked over all people involved.

I saw this and went ‘how can i make this hurt’ and decided to toss Ace into it because ~fun~

-

Ardyn does not regret the curse. He doesn’t regret when a child with brown skin and silver eyes full of magic stares at him and he doesn’t regret it when that child grows into a young man. There is nothing to regret, Ace is the progeny of one of Somnus’ descendants and he will face a tragic fate like all the rest of them.

(He does not think of the joy on Ace’s face when he shares fruits with his friends. He does not think of Ace’s laughter ringing the air when he and his gremlin friends launch fruit at Ardyn. Ardyn does not think of Ace and how he doesn’t know about Ardyn’s curse.

He doesn’t think about how Ace is innocent in this war between him and his brothers line.

After what, what bastard choses their bloodline?)

Ardyn does not regret the curse, but he can’t revoke it either. It has been too long, it’s magic is too deep for Ardyn to take it back.

(Ace’s home burns and he screams and shatters and is remade into something a bit more cruel.

Ardyn tries not to hate it.)

Ardyn can’t break the curse.

He can make sure it doesn’t claim his nephew.

(He crowns Ace as his under moonlight and starfire. A gift of a ring made of rubies is given and Ardyn watches as the curse laid on the line of Somnus falls from Ace’s shoulders.

Ace is his now.

As it should be.)

[robininthelabyrinth]

genderbent wens, like the siblings and the head family?

ao3

“- and in one generation, they were all women, every single one of them!” Lao Nie laughed so hard he was very nearly hiccupping, but Lan Qiren supposed that was understandable on account of the other sect leader having consumed a truly unbearable amount of wine. Some of which was on his behalf – Lao Nie had been in a strange mood during the conference, especially excited, and had boisterously interjected himself into Jin Guangshan’s regular attempts to get Lan Qiren drunk by volunteering to take all his toasts for him – so Lan Qiren felt obligated to stay and keep him from making a nuisance of himself. “So be careful what you wish for, Jin-xiong!”

“Let go of me!” Jin Guangshan yelped, and really, getting squashed like that by Lao Nie tipping over onto him was exactly what he deserved. Only Jiang Fengmian was nice enough to try to help him, and all that accomplished was to get him pulled, laughing, into the drinking as well.

Possibly that had been his goal.

“That seems remarkably unlikely,” Wen Ruohan remarked. He, at least, was sitting properly, and had for once restrained himself during the festivities – he was friends of a sort with Jin Guangshan, which never seemed to go well for anyone else, but Lao Nie’s rowdiness had apparently severed that for the night. He looked sidelong at Lan Qiren. “Don’t you think, Sect Leader Lan?”

Lan Qiren could never figure out if Wen Ruohan meant for that term of address to be an insult or a compliment, and he was tired of trying.

“What is so unlikely?” he asked, having been paying more attention to Lao Nie’s stability than his words.

“An entire generation born as women,” Wen Ruohan said. He was playing with the cup of wine in his hands rather than drinking it. “Statistically possible, but highly improbable, given the size of the Nie sect.”

“Well, I assume he’s accounting for the misaligned,” Lan Qiren said, because Wen Ruohan wasn’t wrong – the Nie sect might be smaller than others, but it was still a Great Sect; it was very far from being small. “That would affect the numbers.”

“Misaligned?” Wen Ruohan echoed.

“A tradition among the Nie,” Lan Qiren explained, because it wasrather unusual. “They believe that the reincarnation cycle occasionally errs, with the soul of a woman ending up in a male body or a man in a woman – or I suppose neither and both, I’m not entirely certain about that one. At any rate, it’s not terribly common, but neither is it especially uncommon, so I suppose it’s possible –”

“Isn’t it a punishment?” Wen Ruohan interrupted.

Lan Qiren blinked at him, not understanding.

Wen Ruohan was looking down at his cup, which he had started to hold rather tightly – his knuckles were white, and it was only his especially good control over his cultivation that was keeping the cup from shattering. “The misalignment,” he clarified. “It’s said that those who commit sins in one life will be condemned in their next: reborn as an ant, or a chicken raised for slaughter. To be reborn into a body that does not fit you would surely seem to be along the same lines.”

“I suppose I see the argument,” Lan Qiren said, relieved that for once Wen Ruohan was in the mood for a theoretical discussion rather than causing trouble just to show that he had the power to do so without consequence. “I believe the Nie would argue in turn that being born as a thinking being capable of expressing oneself is sufficient basis to assume error rather than retribution – we’re all cultivators fighting the dictates of fate, after all. If one can seek immortality against all heavenly restrictions, then seeking to be recognized in the manner of your soul rather than your body would appear to be a much smaller issue.”

He shrugged and took a sip of his tea, rolling it in his mouth first to confirm it hadn’t been spiked with anything alcoholic.

“My assumption entirely,” he added. “I’m not actually that familiar with the Nie sect doctrine on this matter. Lao Nie is not the most academic, and if anything seems more bemused by our lack of understanding on the matter.”

Wen Ruohan was frowning into his cup, but at least he wasn’t gripping it so tightly.

“Fighting the dictates of fate,” he murmured. “Yes, I can see that. If you decide you are something, who dares say that you cannot be that, even the Heavens themselves?”

Such a Wen sect way of thinking, Lan Qiren thought to himself, shaking his head. Arrogant, defiant and proud – always raising their heads up high. Admirable in small doses, irritating in large!

“What would you do?” Wen Ruohan asked him, and Lan Qiren looked at him, surprised. “If there was – something like that, but in your sect? The Lan is the most orthodox of the sects; you do not even permit intermingling between men and women.”

“We don’t – men and women live separately; it’s not the same thing as not permitting intermingling,” Lan Qiren protested, but he supposed he could see the value in the question. “If one of my sect disciples informed me that they believed themselves to be a misalignment, I would – accept it, I suppose. Perhaps after a period of supervision, to ensure that they were serious and understood the consequences of their actions, that they would live and be perceived socially in the manner their soul for the rest of their lives; that would help ensure no one would engage in such a thing lightly or as a prank.”

He thought about it a little more.

“Yes, I think that’s right,” he concluded. “There are many rules that touch on the subject of being true to oneself, and none requiring adherence to the gender of one’s body; therefore, it is more in accordance to the rules to permit it. In such an event, I might also send them to the Unclean Realm for a time to further their understanding of the concept, to allow them time to reflect on the proposed change and to ensure they have access to a place where they can feel safe in exploring –”

“What if it were you yourself? Given your position?”

“Me?” Lan Qiren blinked. “I’ve always been comfortable being a man, so it isn’t an issue. But if it was, I would imagine that the same would apply to me as to anyone else in my sect. After all, we have precedent of a woman taking the role of Sect Leader, so that isn’t a consideration.”

“I suppose you do,” Wen Ruohan said. He seemed thoughtful. “What do you think the other sects would think of it?”

“Well, I can hardly say. Of the Great Sects? The Jiang sect would probably approve of it; their sect motto is ‘attempt the impossible’, and their emphasis has always been on freedom and finding your own way – I can’t imagine them objecting in a way that wouldn’t make them come across as complete hypocrites. The Nie would of course accept it. The Jin…”

The Jin sect, under Jin Guangshan, would reject it utterly. Perhaps it might be different under a different sect leader, but Jin Guangshan was even more wedded to the idea of people being in what he considered their ‘proper’ place than most. He hated the newly rich, the self-made upstart, even the poor young men who fought their way up from nothing – in his view, immortality was best reached by nothing ever changing. It was, perhaps, an understandable viewpoint from a man who felt as though he already had everything, but still rather disgusting given how despite all of that Jin Guangshan still grappled and sought after even more power and wealth than he already had – as if he were the only one allowed to rise, and everyone else had to stay where they were so he could more easily step on them on his way up.

“Oh, the Jin. Leave Jin Guangshan to me,” Wen Ruohan said with that dangerous smile of his, the one that promised blood on the ground.

Lan Qiren nodded agreeably, then frowned. Since when had they been discussing how to convince Jin Guangshan to be more open to an admittedly idiosyncratic Nie sect custom?

He was about to ask, but then Lao Nie started singing – with Jiang Fengmian providing the harmony, insofar as ‘harmony’ could be used to describe something that sounded not unlike a duet for elephants in heat or possibly someone using a brick to bludgeon people mid-opera – and they all got distracted in the unified effort of trying to get them to stop.

Lan Qiren then forgot about the entire conversation for approximately two months, and abruptly recalled it when Wen Ruohan issued an announcement that the Wen sect now permitted female sect leaders, that, furthermore, shewas the first one, and, finally, that if anyone objected on any basis whatsoever they were welcome to fight her personally.

Which –

Well, in all, Lan Qiren wished his fellow sect leader the best and started resigning himself to having to suffer from even more of Lao Nie’s flirting at the next discussion conference. That man had never yet met a man or woman who could kill him that he wouldn’t try to sleep with, and he generally preferred women…

-

“It’s nice to have the company of another girl,” Jiang Yanli said with a smile.

Wen Xu snorted. “I agree, even if I wish it were under different circumstances.”

Jiang Yanli managed to maintain her expression of peace and tranquility for exactly four breaths before she burst out into giggles, an incredibly infectious sound that finally made Wen Xu start laughing as well.

“It’s mean,” Jiang Yanli said, only laughing harder. “I should – I’m glad they’re happy! Really!”

“We can be glad that they’re happy and also think that our parents are insane,” Wen Xu said. “I can’t believe – your parents are already married! To each other!”

“They weren’t very happy, though,” Jiang Yanli said. “I honestly think Sect Leader Wen has been very good for them. Even if I don’t want to think too hard about it.”

Wen Xu nodded. They were both twelve, which was exactly the age at which you tried very hard not to think things like I’m pretty sure my mom’s railing your dad while your mom provides commentary with his face in her lap right this very instant and yet you did think it because the adults were very not subtle sometimes and then at that point there was nothing to do but laugh.

“I heard that lots of people thought she was going to get together with Sect Leader Nie at first,” Jiang Yanli said. “You know, because they flirt so much?”

“My mom says that Sect Leader Nie flirts with anyone who can kill him,” Wen Xu said, and still marveled a little at being able to say things or think things like mom. Before, she’d only ever been allowed to refer to his father through the most formal terms, with any attempt to use a more intimate sobriquet being viciously punished – she’d often thought that her father would rather she called him Sect Leader Wen instead, and maybe she’d been right.

Her mother was a lot more easy-going about that sort of thing now, though. Wen Xu still wasn’t sure whether it was because she preferred ‘a-niang’ over ‘a-die’ or if it was just that, having blown up the entire cultivation world through her gender choices, her mother felt a lot freer in ignoring the rest of the expectations that had burdened her, too.

“So he’s not serious about her?”

“I mean, maybe he is, I don’t know,” Wen Xu said. “But apparently the whole thing with my mom deciding to announce that she was a woman happened right around the time he was getting back together with his second wife so I guess he was taken?”

“Wait, he got back together with – wasn’t she dead?”

“Apparently not? I really don’t know what happens in the Unclean Realm.”

“Probably for the best,” Jiang Yanli said. “I mean – I don’t – uh, that is –”

“If you’re talking about the fact that my mom still wants to take over the entire cultivation world and declare herself an immortal Empress, trust me, I know.”

“Oh, good,” Jiang Yanli said. “I wasn’t sure how to bring it up.”

Wen Xu shrugged. She mostly just hoped that her mom’s current relationship with the other sect leaders was such that she didn’t actually murder them all in her inevitable effort to take over – it had always been something of a concern, and greater now that she actually knew Jiang Yanli was pretty cool.

“I also thought…” Jiang Yanli hesitated. “You yourself…?”

“Oh, no, I’m different. My birth mother made me pretend to be a boy,” Wen Xu said. “So that I could be the heir and she could keep her place as my father’s main wife, though of course in the end it didn’t really work out that well for her…I think A-Chao’s like mom, though. She wants to be a princess.”

“So she’s like your mom in the – ambitious sense?”

Wen Xu snickered. “Yes, that too. Actually, it’s a little funny. The whole thing started because my mom overheard Lao Nie talking about how a whole generation of Nie sect got cursed to be girls one time, and now I think mysect’s current generation is all girls.”

“Oh! Are they really?”

“Well, not really, but almost?” Wen Xu said. “There’s really just my mom, A-Chao, and me in the main branch, though we have some cousins that got sort of pulled into the main branch after their parents died – A-Qing and A-Ning. They were both born as girls, but recently A-Qing’s been saying that he thinks he might be happier as a man…it’s interesting. He’s not unhappybeing a woman the way I’m pretty sure my mom hated being a man, but he really likesbeing a man, and according to the Nie sect that’s the same thing, just a different expression of it? I don’t know.”

“How old are they?” Jiang Yanli asked.

“A-Qing’s about our age, and A-Ning is your brothers’ ages. You can meet them the next time there’s a conference in Qishan…”

-

“Can I bring Jiaojiao?” Wen Chao asked, and quailed under Wen Qing’s glare.

Wen Ning was just happy to remain underfoot and out of attention range. Her brother had a wicked way with needles when he wanted, and she wanted no part in any of that.

“Are you serious right now?” Wen Qing demanded. “You want to take your whore with you when we run away from home?”

“I’m not leaving Jiaojiao behind!” Wen Chao insisted. “And she’s not a whore! She doesn’t sleep with anyone but me.”

Hasn’t doesn’t mean wouldn’t, Wen Ning thought, then promptly felt bad for thinking it. It was a very catty thought and she was ashamed of it, even if Wang Lingjiao did strike her as rather…mercenary.

“Also I don’t understand why we have to run away anyway,” Wen Chao said, pouting. “So what if Mom started a war? We’re going to win, and then I’ll be a princess.”

“You’re an idiot,” Wen Qing said. “We’re not going to win.”

“But we control half the cultivation world!”

“Yes, and maybe if your mom was as ruthless as she used to be, she would’ve done the things necessary to win the war,” Wen Qing said. “Like take out Lao Nie early on, maybe. Now that the Nie sect’s got both him andNie Mingjue, any of our cultivators that go to the Unclean Realm are going to be slaughtered.”

Wen Chao winced, acknowledging the point.

“And ever since Lao Nie and Lan Qiren started their thing, it’s not like the Nie sect won’t also go defend the Lan sect, right?”

“…right.”

“And of course there’s the Jiang sect, which we probably couldraze to the ground if we really wanted to. But we’re not going to, and you know why?”

“Because Mom is fucking their sect leaders.”

“Because your mom is fucking their sect leaders,” Wen Qing agreed. “And that is why we declared war first on the Jin sect, because no one likes them.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“The problem is that the Jin sect makes no sense at all as a target! If we take over the entire stretch of territory between Lanling and Qishan, Qinghe gets completely cut off from Gusu and Yunmeng and there’s no way they’re going to let that happen, which means that they’re going to declare war on us. And that is why we are running away from home, because we do not want to be here when the Nie sect shows up.”

Wen Ning’s brother was awesome and everyone should listen to him.

“Maybe your mom will rethink her actions once she’s seen that we’ve run away,” Wen Ning told Wen Chao in a low voice, since she was still scowling. “And I think it’s fine if you bring Jiaojiao. She’s your girlfriend, right?”

Wen Chao frowned. “I mean…she’s someone I’m sleeping with. For now. That’s all – she’s just a maid.”

Wen Ning would normally refrain from commenting, but… “If she’s just a maid, then why do you care about her potentially dying when the Nie sect invades?”

Wen Chao’s face did something. “I – maybe I just want to have her around to keep sleeping with her!”

Wen Qing looked on the verge of saying something, but Wen Ning stepped on her foot.

“Maybe you should think about it,” she said. “I don’t think we can let a servant to come with us – same reason we can’t take Wen Zhuilu, since he’d just report the whole thing to your mom – but if she was your girlfriend and you trusted her…”

She trailed off and shrugged.

Wen Chao’s face was doing weird colors.

“A-Ning, stop trying to teach A-Chao to have mature emotional reactions, it’s a hopeless case,” Wen Qing said. “Keep packing instead. If I was smart, I’d let A-Chao stay here with her Jiaojiao and her dreams of being a princess.”

“No!” Wen Chao exclaimed, then flushed red.

“No? Then pack.”

-

“How about we just assume girl until otherwise proven?” Wen Xu suggested, patting the baby’s back to try to keep calm. Whether the person to be calmed was the baby or Wen Xu herself was unknown. “She doesn’t need to have gender imposed so early.”

“Deciding that she’s a girl is imposing a gender,” Wen Chao said. Her head was in Wang Lingjiao’s lap, and she was pouting. “I can’t believe we have to take care of a baby.”

“She’s family,” Wen Qing said.

“Her parents aren’t!”

“Mom’s rules are that anyone who has the Wen surname and blood who doesn’t have parents gets adopted into the main family.”

“Do Sect Leader Wen’s rules even matter any more?” Wen Ning asked, wringing her hands. “With her being under house arrest…”

“It’s temporary. Once she vows not to wage offensive war without approval of the other Great Sect leaders, she’ll be released and things will go back to normal. Mostly. Possibly with slightly less war?”

“Yes, but in the meantime, why do we have to be in charge?”

“Uh, because you’re the heirs?”

“I’m not the heir,” Wen Chao sniffed. “A-Xu is.”

“This is so stupid,” Wen Xu said. “I can’t believe our mother’s military campaign and inevitable tragic defeat was derailed by the giant man-eating tortoise A-Chao found.”

“Anyone could’ve stumbled over that cave!”

“We weren’t even supposed to be heading in that direction! If you hadn’t stolen the map and insisted on being the navigator –”

“It all turned out for the best,” Wen Qing interrupted. “No blood feuds – or at least, not any we can’t afford to pay off – and that awful Jin Guangshan isn’t around anymore, which the other sect leaders are pretending to mind but really don’t. Mom will be back in charge of the sect soon enough, and with luck will forget all about trying to take over the world and will instead go back to fucking her two lovers that swooped in and saved her life instead defeating her because she’s incredibly touched by that even if she’s pretending she’s not. It’s like a scene out of a bad play.”

“Can we get back to the bit where we got a baby?” Wen Xu said. “I don’t want to deal with a baby.”

“I already explained –”

“I’ll take A-Yuan,” Wen Ning volunteered. “She seems sweet.”

“Girls usually are.”

“We are not saying everyone is a girl until otherwise determined!”

“Why not?” Wen Xu wanted to know. “Worked out pretty good so far.”

“I – that is – I mean…” Wen Qing floundered, then scowled. “Okay, listen. Not even the Nie sect does that, and I refuse for the Wen sect to be weirder than the Nie. All right?”

Everyone considered that, and agreed.

They might be weird – but they weren’t that weird.

Right?

[doomstypewriter]

Excuse me while I panic

Hi, I'm back from finals, but my brain is kind of dead right now, so enjoy this silly two-shot in the meantime.

Word count: 996 | AO3

Summary: Roman needs to get on with the program, realise his crush on Virgil and ask him out, because it's getting ridiculous.

At least Janus thinks so. Everybody does.

A wild crush has appeared, except it was there all along, Roman is just dumb <3

“It’d be a pity if you got over yourself and told Virgil you loved him already. Not that I care about his happiness or anything”.

Roman turned to face the back of the room, where Janus was sitting with a lap full of Patton, who just shrugged in agreement with a quizzical smile.

The treacherous acceptance Patton showed after Janus’ out-of-the-blue comment almost made Roman gasp.

“I just said I want to hang out with him this week”.

“And marry him the month after that, I suppose” Janus retorted.

“Okay, first of all, nah-uh, and second of all, I’d have expected this outright attack for you, but, Patton, are you going to stand watching him bullying me?!”

Just when he was about to reply, Janus intervened again, pretending to be distracted playing with Patton’s curls.

“Not quite, let me rephrase that for you: bullying you into getting ahead in life”.

“Hello?” Roman gestured at himself, only to feel even more increpated by Janus’ glancing at him up and down. “I’m dashing at all times, it’s you who should be putting in the effort”.

As per usual, Janus smirked, unimpressed. He ran a finger, scratching lightly, up Patton’s neck. Underneath the cardigan, a pair of shoulders rolled in a contained shudder.

“I already have. You, though, have achieved nothing. Also, why am I detecting” Janus said, raising a hand to cup behind his ear, “a hint of defensiveness? Honestly… well… as honestly as the budget allows, I am saying this for your sake. Take notes or something, Roman”.

Roman’s weight shifted from one leg to the other, he crossed his arms and gasped, for real this time.

“Excuse me?”

“Excused. I’ll dictate it for you: number one, dot, Janus has made me realise my lack of ambition, comma, I will ask Virgil out”. Janus changed the tone for a second, considering. “Hmmm… let’s say, at once, sounds very you, doesn’t it? Blah, blah, no ambition, I’m very dim, I will ask Virgil out at once, full stop. New paragraph: number two, dot, from now on, comma, I shall listen to Janus’ advice, comma, because he’s so right all the time, full stop”.

Once Roman came out of his astonishment, he closed his gaping mouth and pursed his lips like a child.

“Okay, that’s it, you did this. I’m calling the nerd”.

Janus had no time to complain, as Logan was summoned immediately thereafter.

“Lo, are you okay?!” Patton stirred in place after seeing Logan’s looks.

There, in all bizarre glory, stood Logan, draped in a lab coat with some unidentified stains, knee-length black rubber boots, safety glasses with what dangerously looked like a speckle of blood and a pair of gloves holding a scalpel.

“Don’t worry Patton, he’s just been playing with Remus” Janus offered.

Logan examined the room quickly, then cleared up his throat and blinked himself into his usual attire.

“I was in the middle of something”.

“Clearly” Roman muttered sarcastically.

“What do you need?” Logan made a point to ignore Roman’s comment.

Janus smiled calmly.

“Roman just called you so you can prove him wrong”.

Before the prince could retort, Logan nodded with a vague hint of amusement.

“Well, I can certainly do that”.

“You won’t need to, because it’s him who’s saying” Roman paused and endeavoured to make his best impression of Logan, “falsehoods”.

Logan frowned and crossed his arms.

“That is to be expected, so what is the context?”

“He says I need to ask Virgil out because he’s always right”.

Roman went on saying something along the lines of ‘like, I like Virgil, but not like that. And he’s just implying I’m in love with him, and I would know because, hi, Roman, romance? And Patton isn’t even defending me!’. All of that, Logan didn’t listen to, deciding to speak plainly.

“That’s incorrect, Janus gets things wrong often, it is, in fact, a statistical improbability to be right all the time. But, to be fair, out of all of you, he holds a higher average”.

“Exactly, that’s what I said” Roman shook his hand forward as if to underline how justified he felt. A moment later he went quiet. “Wait…”

“No need. I’ll finish dispatching this soon. So, no, Janus is not always right, but you would do well to heed to his advice on this occasion, seeing how it would help resolve your feelings for Virgil”.

“What?”

“Thank you, Logan” Janus said.

Logan nodded, satisfied with a good job.

“No need, happy to help”.

“Wait, wait, wait!” Roman exclaimed. “I have no feelings for Virgil…” he reconsidered, “not like that!”

In a quick save, Logan hid his laugh with a frown and an inhale.

“Excellent example of being wrong, you’ll be a great help to Logan’s statistics” Janus grinned.

Everybody was looking at him.

Normally, he’d like that, because it was the natural order of things. At the present time, though, he felt paralysed by a sudden onslaught of contradicting feelings and thoughts. Unfortunately, all of these things running through his mind popped in and out too fast for him to process them as more than a jumble of nonsense.

That is to say, he drew a complete blank, cursing his ADHD.

“But-but… I’m not in” he started slowly, trying to organise his ideas.

Then, went down with the first thing to come out of his mouth because working under pressure is not his thing.

“Like, I spend a ton of time with him, but what do you know? And, honestly, you’re just jealous Virge pays more attention to me because he’s almost as great as me. By the way, Janus steals your crofters when you don’t look, someone has to say it, because we’re outing people’s secrets, except not mine’s ‘cause I’m not in love with…”

Patton stood up, knowing he’d have to help everyone brace themselves.

All at the same time, the following was spoken or shouted:

“Snitch!”

“He did what?!”

“Oh my... I’m in love with Virgil”

Next>>

Thx for reading. Reblog or comment if it made you laugh <3

Taglist: COME AT ME BRO, COME AT ME, write a comment and tell me to tag you for the next chapter, I DARE YOU /nm /lh /j

[onlyherefortheshowmances]

So I saw someone else get an anon message that said: “I hate to admit this, but I really can't shake the feeling that Benji loves Victor more than Victor loves Benji at this point.” I wanted to respond as well, because I think this is something people are probably seeing a lot and I really want to explain how I’m looking at it (from personal experience and just from looking at and examining the characters).

CW/TW: Mental Health, suicidal ideation/action mention, Addiction, Emotional Trauma, sex mention, Predatory relationship mention, catholicism, homophobia, misunderstandings, lack of communication, spoilers for love victor seasons 1 & 2 [let me know if I missed anything please]

I want to be frank in saying that Benji is my favorite character and I project onto him a lot (along with seeing a lot of myself in him). I’m also white AF, so I’m sure some of you think that’s relevant, but I really don’t think it is in this particular case. I do also however identify with Victor in a number of ways and I am trying to see the characters both as complex individuals with deep personal histories. Both have suffered traumas and both are clearly dealing with a lot of their own shit on top of being sixteen/seventeen and dealing with junior year of high school and all the pressures and expectations that brings for everyone.

I think what people are interpreting at loving someone more/less is actually about prioritizing someone/a relationship more/less. In my mind, from what I see on screen and interpret, they both love each other beyond words. They are both very much in love with one another. It comes down to how they display that to each other and to the public as well as where on their list of priorities this relationship falls.

Let’s start with Victor, struggles and life:

He is dealing with internalized homophobia and associated thought-patterns stemming from his upbringing in the Catholic church as well from the vocalized homophobic remarks from his mother (toward himself and Benji as well as likely at other points in his life toward strangers), his father (stating that he hopes Adrian doesn’t turn out ‘like that’; the scene in S1 where they’re at the church in Texas and he calls the hairdresser ‘flojito’; etc.), and his grandparents (on his birthday and likely at other points in his life). As a result of this, Victor tried to make himself straight (or at least interested in a girl) by dating Mia because he did like her as a person and everyone was telling him that’s what he was supposed to do. He ended up hurting her and almost losing her friendship (temporarily, he did, but she does seem to have forgiven him now).

He is dealing with outside homophobia as well. That kid on the very first day he was Creekwood responding to Benji helping him up. Felix’s comment that same day of ‘you don’t want to give people the wrong idea.’ The basketball team/gym class guys roasting him about not hooking up with Mia on the ferris wheel. Felix saying he’d be crazy to not like Mia. Lake asking ‘are you gay or something’ when he brought Felix along to Mia’s house, etc., etc. Some of these things may seem innocent enough, but they weren’t. Not to Victor who was already struggling to accept even the possibility that he might be gay. Once he managed to come out to his parents, obviously his father got better fairly quickly, but Isabel continued to struggle for six months which put even more pressure on Victor to try to lead this double life. Once he came out at school, the whole fiasco with the basketball team also occurred and that was a lot for him, because Basketball as always his safe-space. It’s where he went to get away from all the other pressure. It was something he didn’t have to think about and now suddenly, he did. Those pressure are also affecting his ability to think about what he may want and it seems affecting his ability to think (at all sometimes) about how any of that is also affecting Benji. It’s affecting him so much that he’s basically blind to how it’s also affecting Benji to see him suffer. He doesn’t even consider that possibility until Felix brings up how hard it is for him the night Felix breaks up with Lake and Venji get caught having sex.

Victor also has struggles away from just his coming out and accepting himself journey. He has the struggles associated with his parents separation. Until fairly recently, Victor always thought his parents had a perfect relationship. He saw that as the ideal. Get together in High School, get married right away, stay together for ever, happily ever after. That’s what he was raised to expect. And now he’s seeing their relationship fall apart before his eyes. Hell, his devoutly Catholic mother had an affair, and he’s wondering if it’s really possible for your first love to be your only love especially after he and Benji start butting heads, so he’s already vulnerable to that viewpoint when Rahim brings up the possibility. He gets so lost in what’s happening to his parents and what Rahim is saying about it not usually working out that he forgets how in love he is and he sort of loses his will to fight for what he wants, because maybe it’s just doomed to fail anyway (until he sees Benji at the wedding and it sort of hits again - and then Felix’s speech thereafter, obviously). He kind of loses his way by getting caught up in the statistic improbability of your first love being the one and watching his parents’ marriage potentially fall apart and he wonders for a moment if it might be easier, if it might be better to just walk away and go toward Rahim who he seem to get along with and seems to understand the things Benji doesn’t about him, but what he fails to examine in that moment is that he’s only barely scratched the surface with Rahim and that Rahim doesn’t know him like Benji does and that every relationship has it’s ups and downs and what it always comes down to is how willing both parties are to work to make things right. How much you’re willing to step into the other person’s shoes and try to understand. In my opinion, even if he were to walk away from Benji and go to Rahim, that bubble of understanding isn’t going to last forever either. He’s failing to remember that when he got together with Benji (and for most of the summer it seems) that’s exactly what it was like and failing to remember that they have grown beyond that into a deep soul-altering love for one another that deserves his time, energy, and effort and NEEDS those things to keep it going.

Now let’s talk about Victor’s priorities in life:

Victor has always been close with his family, especially his mother. The strain on that relationship is very taxing on his mental well-being. He has a hard time ‘standing up to’ her or talking back to her, etc. because he loves her and he just wants their easy, close relationship back. He already overcame his own anger at her affair to get her back, but now she’s the one pulling away because of his sexuality and it’s hurting him because if he was able to forgive her for something that was actually wrong, why can’t she forgive him for something that he has no control over. So he loves his mother and his family and he hates disappointing them. He has spent most of his life fixing his family’s issues (as he explains to Simon in S1), but now he is the issue and he doesn’t know how to handle it. When in 2x1 he decides to just bring Benji over and try exposure therapy with his mom, it backfires in a big way. Even though they barely touch each other. Even though Benji just says the word boyfriend once, it’s too much for Isabel and Victor desperately wants to please. He desperately wants to not lose his mother (who has always been the person he is closest to), so that causes him to take a step back from going against her and the steps he still takes (telling her he wants her to call Benji his boyfriend not just his friend, the whole conversation outside the church, the conversation with Adrian, etc.) are things that Benji doesn’t get to see happening and it frustrated Victor that Benji won’t even listen to him when he tries to say that his mom is making progress at all, because she is so important to him and yet it seems like Benji just doesn’t even recognize or care about that. This leads him to say the thing he does at Brasstown before Benji runs out, because he assumes that it has to do with Benji being white and of course, that is part of it, but I think Victor in that moment is so overwhelmed by the rejection of his mother and now the refusal of his boyfriend to even try to understand that he snaps. He forgets all the struggles Benji has told him from his own past and he just lashes out which causes Benji to leave [more on Benji’s viewpoint of this whole thing later].

Victor also loves basketball. It’s true that in some case LGBTQIA+ individual participate in certain activities to make them seem more ‘normal’. Gay men participating in sports to seem more macho is a common one, so Benji thinking that’s why Victor plays basketball makes sense to an extend, but he never bothers to ask Victor about, only makes assumptions, and Victor feels like the fact that he actually likes sports makes him ‘not gay enough’ (see conversation with Andrew). What he’s forgetting entirely is his encounter with Bram and the gay basketball league in NYC from episode 1x8. There are many ways to be gay, and sports gays do exist and are perfectly valid. That’s not the type of gay Benji or his friends/bandmates are, but it is the type that Victor is and Benji failing to recognize that and failing to understand or even ask Victor about that drives one of many wrenches into their relationship. In episode 1x5 when Benji shows up to Victor’s first game back on the team and does the Go Grizzlies dance with the other basketball girlfriends, it definitely does a lot of help Victor realize this was just a miscommunication/misunderstanding rather than anything malicious. Basketball and his teammates continue to be a priority for him after this, but that seems to be something Benji is now capable of understanding.

Finally, Victor loves Benji. He wants to be with Benji; there is zero doubt about that. However, for Victor when he’s put on the spot (as in episode 2x8) and basically told he has to choose his mom (who has raised him and been his closest confidant and biggest supporter for his entire life) or his boyfriend (who he’s known for almost a year and been dating for six months and is helplessly in love with) it processes as an error message in his brain. He just wants everyone to get along. He’s not mad that Adrian knows that he’s gay (he’s wanted him to know for months), but he is upset that his mom is now even angrier. [see my section about Benji in this moment, for more about Isabel’s reactions as well] In his mind, telling Adrian could wait. In his mind, he was willing to go along with his mom’s requests for a while longer just to keep the peace so to speak. He didn’t want his whole life to fall apart and that’s what he thought was about to happen in that moment. That’s why he asked Benji to leave. He didn’t want to make his mom any angrier. Could he have chosen his words better? Yes. Could he have made Benji understand better? Yes. But he’s sixteen and his brain wasn’t functioning at full capacity because post-sex brain is definitely a thing and he was also looking at his mom who has already been horrible and barely able to look at him for six months, looking even angrier after he finally thought they’d made some progress after church the previous week.

So in conclusion, regarding Victor:

He loves his family (especially his mom). He loves Benji. He loves Basketball. Obviously, he’s not going to prioritize basketball over either of the human beings involved, but I think it’s important to at least note it’s importance in his life. As for Isabel vs. Benji. To Victor, these are the two most important people in his life. All he wants is to be able to love both of them and have both of them love him in return. When they are pit against each other, especially directly, it’s hard for him to make a choice. It’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to his mom and it’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to Benji, but in the moment (episode 2x8 specifically), he takes Isabel’s side, because he knows the ramifications of saying no to her and of making her even more angry that she already is are far worse than the ones for asking Benji to leave for the night. He failed to realize however, how close Benji already was to the edge and how upset he was going to be and how little he understood (or was willing to try to understand) about the situation. This is something he really needs to communicate with Benji (even though it’s not quite as important now that Isabel’s apparently come around). I think it’s important for Benji to understand that Victor values his relationship with his mother enough that it’s difficult for him to go against her without a lot of preparation and having a fully fledged reason, etc.

Now for Benji - Struggles and Life:

The obvious of course is that Benji is a sixteen/seventeen year old that’s barely a year sober and attending AA meetings regularly. Recovering from Alcoholism is difficult at any age let alone for a teenager. One of the most important factors in recovery is looking at the things that led you to drink in the first place. Looking at things that may be considered triggers and either learning to avoid those people/situations or learning healthy alternatives in those situations. I have multiple family members who are both actively drinking alcoholics as well as those in recovery. I also lost my best friend/ex-fiancé to alcoholism a few years ago, so to say I have some personal experience in this arena is putting it lightly. Benji admits to Victor in 1x7 that he used to drink a lot because he knew he was gay, but didn’t want to be. To me that whole story screamed, I’m an alcoholic and while a lot of others agreed with that opinion. I was not shocked that Victor didn’t understand that underlying truth. Those that don’t have intimate familiarity with alcoholism often do not recognize the signs (either as they happen when when they are not directly told). It is made clear in episodes 2x7 & 2x8 that Benji hates this part of himself, in fact he says as much to Victor when he arrives at his apartment late the night of his birthday. Benji has still not fully accepted that the alcoholic part of himself that attends AA meetings and drinks orange juice while his friends are drinking vodka is one and the same with the part of himself that loves Victor with all his heart. This is something I’d really like to see him reconcile and work on in season 3 and beyond. Understand that you can’t compartmentalize yourself. You are but one whole person and all facets of yourself are in fact part of the singular you. [Not accounting for those with dissociative identity disorder.] It’s not directly mentioned if he’s still struggling with urges to drink, but most if not all alcoholics do, especially when experiencing those aforementioned triggers. Seeing Benji meeting with his sponsor after the incident with Isabel/Victor is not shocking to me and if anything, that was the healthy and correct response on his part. The reason he was drinking in the first place was that he was gay and didn’t want to be (internalized and probably external homophobia) and he just experience some really intense homophobia at the hands of his boyfriend’s mom (and partially said boyfriend himself). Benji’s lack of understanding of where Isabel was coming from in episode 1x8 speaks volumes to just how traumatize Benji still is about his own experiences with homophobia. The only thing he can think about in that moment is that this woman hates me for being gay. She hates her son for being gay. Being gay isn’t okay, etc. What he doesn’t factor in is that Isabel is also devoutly Catholic. I honestly don’t think it’s the gay part of the sex that horrified her the most. The Catholic faith is also very clear on the practice of abstinence from sex (at all) prior to marriage. She would’ve responded the same way had she walked in on Victor having sex with a girl, in my opinion, but in the moment Benji’s own trauma is overriding his ability to understand that because all he can see is the homophobia. This is especially true after she calls him Victor’s friend rather than his boyfriend and that in my opinion, is why he snaps. Could he have phrased it better? Yes. Could he have said it without shouting? Yes. But he is a freshly seventeen-year-old whose brain is not functioning on all cylinders in that moment.

Sort of coupled with his alcoholism and recovery therefrom is the allusion his mother makes to ‘dark times’ following his accident. I do have suspicions that perhaps he was also struggling with mental illness, and likely continues to. Depression to the point of suicidal ideation or actions (possibly only in the form of drinking, but possibly in other forms as well). Anxiety is pretty obvious from his actions and reactions throughout the series as well. I also think he is dealing with some sort of trauma-based disorder stemming from the homophobia he experienced (especially the instance of his father taking him to strip-club). It may go as far as C-PTSD (which I myself am diagnosed with) or it maybe something less (or even more). I’m not in the habit of sticking mental health diagnoses of people (fictional or otherwise though). Dealing with these things on top of what in his eyes feels like rejection from not only Isabel, but in a way from Victor as well likely causes some very unpleasant thought patterns and the potential for thought spirals and the likely. I also see indications that he could suffer from co-dependency (whish I also have dealt with in the past), but I’m honestly not sure if that’s me projecting or if it’s actually there.

Then on top of all of that, his boyfriend who he loves more than anything in the world, tells his deepest darkest secret to someone he’s literally never met or spoken to and that said boyfriend has only known for maybe a week at best and thinks it’s no big deal. In that moment, I can 110% see why Benji requests to take a break and I feel that choice is 110% the right one to make. What is a relationship built on if not trust? Victor just destroyed most if not all of the trust Benji had in him. That doesn’t mean he stopped loving him, just that he doesn’t trust him. Love isn’t something you can turn off and on like a light switch especially not the kind these two share. I definitely think Victor has a lot of explaining to do and a lot of apologies to make. I do also think they both need to have a really long, really honest and open conversation. Benji needs to be willing to get a little vulnerable and explain why certain things are causing him so much distress, but he also needs to be willing to listen to Victor explain why he can’t simply go against his mother as Benji seems to think he should. They both really demonstrated a degree of selfishness this season along with an lack of communication and a lack of willingness to understand or even try to understand each other’s points of view and that is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.

There also exists the issue of Benji’s parents. His mother especially seems to overstep quite frequently and insert herself into his life where she was not invited or expected. I do wonder if this was always her personality or if this is something that started after Benji’s accident. I have a hunch it was likely the latter. I see indications that perhaps there was some neglect or just general indifference on his parents part as he was growing up. They clearly missed that he had started drinking heavily and that he stole his dad’s car that night. He was also evidently dating Derek for quite a while before the accident. (Derek is another section by himself though.) This not to mention the fact that his father took him to a strip club and paid for a lap dance when he was no more than sixteen if he was even that old, in an effort to turn him straight. Benji tells Victor in episode 1x7 that he and his dad used to be close and that they used to go to Dollywood on road trips and other such things, but that he’s been distant since he came out. We see from the scene where he walks in on Benji and Victor making out that he’s not vocally/outwardly homophobic, but I would not doubt that he still harbors some of those viewpoints in himself. It’s evident to me that Benji is not close to his parents (he may once have been, but at this point it’s pretty clear that he’s not anymore). Benji doesn’t have siblings to the best of our knowledge. It’s also mentioned that his nana (like a paternal grandmother) is deceased, so it’s really not clear how much contact he even has with his extended family or how much of one exists. For these reasons, in his mind, there is no circumstance where his family (especially not his parents) would take precedence of his own happiness or Victor’s. That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him that Victor doesn’t stand up to Isabel, because if the roles were reversed, he would have no problem at all telling his own mother (or father) off. He doesn’t seem to comprehend Victor’s need to keep his relationship with his mother intact. I’m very glad Isabel pointed out to him that Victor has stood up to her and risked their relationship for him, but the disconnect still lies in that Benji isn’t a fan of the fact that he didn't’ do that in his presence and that he didn’t do more.

Then there’s Derek. Derek is at least a sophomore in college in season 2 as he was clearly in college in season 1 as well. Meaning he is at least 19/20 when Benji is 16/17. They had been together for a year the previous spring (episode 1x6) which means they started dating when Benji was 15 and Derek was no younger than 18 (I think he is like at least a year older than the youngest possibility). Georgia’s age of consent is 16, and there are no ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in place in the state meaning it is categorically illegal for anyone 18 years of age or older to engage in sexual acts with anyone 15 years of age or younger unless they are legally wed, meaning until Benji’s 16th birthday, this relationship was illegal in general not to mention the predatory nature of someone in college dating a high school sophomore to begin with. They generally don’t prosecute if the people involved are within 4 years of each other though (which coincides with ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in other states) which they could’ve been within depending on Derek’s actual age and birthday. It doesn’t seem like charges were filed either way which is questionable on Benji’s parents part. Benji also tells Victor in 1x10 that Derek made him feel bad a lot of the time about the things he like and about being a romantic, we also see Derek crap all over Benji’s special anniversary date in 1x6. The toxicity of that relationship is sure to have left it’s mark on Benji and carried over into his new relationship with Victor. I also find it questionable that knowing that, Benji was shitting all over Victor’s love for basketball at one point (isn’t that exactly what he complained about Derek doing to him about his interests?), though as you see in my earlier comments, I do understand that perhaps Benji wasn't’ fully aware that Victor actually liked basketball and wasn’t just doing it to seem straight/make his dad happy/etc. I also think it’s quite confusing that Victor managed to come up with that date idea for Benji in 1x6 and then the best he could do for Benji’s birthday was champagne and sex? I’d be more than marginally hurt over that if I was Benji, to be completely fair. It is also worth it to note that Benji stayed with Derek for over a year despite all of their problems (which goes back to the possibility of co-dependency issues) and yet he was willing to break up with him just to chase after the possibility of Victor. They had already connected on so many levels even prior to that night that even the possibility of that relationship made Benji willing to leave someone he’d been with for more than a year (obviously Victor’s little speech in the hallway played a part in that).

Benji’s Priorities:

In Benji’s world, he has a few things that could be considered priorities.

Maintaining his sobriety is obviously one, but he keeps that separate from everything else. I don’t see it being held above or below anyone or anything. It’s just a completely separate thing to him (which again I feel he needs to reconcile). He was able to do that while also appeasing his friends and Victor (see episode 2x4 where he switches out his cups).

His music/band is obviously a priority, but again that’s something basic that everyone knows about and accepts. He doesn’t have choose between that and anything or anyone else that we’re shown.

Victor is his primary priority however. To him, that is the most important relationship/person in his life. He doesn’t know what he’d do without him. He says he loves that part of his life which I take to mean, he loves who he is when they’re together and not so much when they’re apart. To him, there is no question of who he would choose if there was a choice in front of him between Victor and literally anyone else (including his parents). That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him when the choice isn’t so simple for Victor when he actually has to make one between Benji and Isabel. Benji isn’t close with his parents and he doesn’t seem to understand what it is like for someone that is. Even if his parents didn’t come around right away. Even if they still may not be fully on board with everything, it didn't’ matter that much to him, because he could stand up to them because he didn’t care about destroying a relationship, because there already wasn’t much of one to begin with. This leads to him not understanding that Victor is seriously conflicted in the moments where he is made to choose between his boyfriend and his mother, because to Benji that choice is crystal clear. Again, they could really do with an honest conversation about this where Benji actually listens and tries to understand where Victor’s coming from, because right now, I think he just doesn’t quite get it. It’s clear that Isabel’s speech at Brasstown helped him to understand or at least start to, and obviously now that Isabel isn’t so much of an obstacle everything becomes a little easier, but it is still something that I really feel they need to discuss and understand about each other.

In conclusion:

Both of these boys need therapy (individual, family, and couples), and they would really benefit from a lot more open and honest communication where they both are able to speak honestly about their needs and desires as well as both being able to listen to and understand (or try to at least) one another.

[pendragonfics]

Patch

Paring: Leonard McCoy/Reader

Tags:  no gender for reader, no name for reader, no pronouns for reader, post Star Trek Beyond, protective Leonard "Bones" McCoy, fights, missions, angst and hurt/comfort, resolution, fluff, medical, injury recovery

Summary: Reader and Leonard have an argument over Reader's attendance on an away mission. But when Reader returns injured, will all be resolved?

Word Count: 1,566

Current Date: 2021-01-19

According to the statistics, it was improbable that your return to the USS Enterprise would be on a hover stretcher. There was a truth to it, and it showed in the data. Sometimes, casual dating was a fun exercise in romantic growth with others. However, when casually dating Leonard 'Bones' McCoy, CMO of the ship and resident grump, it wasn’t easy. You were a hands-on learner! A xeno-geographer worked better in the field.

Despite your inclinations, the data showed a different story. Crew admitted to Medbay worked largely in security and on away teams. An overwhelming percentage of those wore a red uniform. The statistics reduced for casualties for sciences blue, and lesser so with gold. The statistics had abated your worries. But despite the numbers, Leonard was not having it. It had been a passing conversation over replicator coffee. Five minutes before departing for the alpha shift, he had downed his black, no sugar and no cream, and gave you a most definite no you had ever heard.

“I won’t condone it,” he said, gathering his holo-pad. “Look - I’m not calling you a bad officer! You’re damn fine at your job.”

“Is that why you’re acting my father instead of partner?” You retorted hotly. Something about his obstinance reacted unfavourably with you, “You’re not my keeper.”

He blinked, and slowly, placed his mug upon the table. “My apologies, Darlin’,” He said, in a low voice. “…that I am not.”

It was then he walked away. The rest of the morning was a whirlwind of preparations, and without a moment to think of Leonard, it quickly became pushed to the back of your mind.

The away mission was simple. The people were a previously uncontacted civilisation on the northern hemisphere of a Federation planet. The southern populace had been contacted some years ago. However, the mission was to observe and document its cultural landmarks and social evolution.

Come the arrival, however, your nerves got the better of you.

You felt like your head was getting the better of you. All the unspoken words you wished you had said to Leonard at the forefront, not your job. While the rest of the team made their way to the outskirts of the citadel, you fell behind.

Had that been your first fight as a couple? What if you never saw each other again? What if that was the last thing you ever said to him?

That was how you did not see the trap in time. Up you went, the rope snagged around your leg, hoisting yourself into the air. The crackle of your comms buzzed, but it fell out, and no communication was received. The other members of the party turned at the commotion, coming to help you.

"I said to look out for that," a security officer muttered, lowering you from the uncomfortable hoist. "Now we sprung the trap, the people are sure to know we are here."

"Are you hurt?" one of the others asked.

Before you could find the words, however, you heard it. The distinctive twang! of a string-based weapon. Despite your vast knowledge of the weaponry used in evolving alien civilisations, that alone did not save you. Because as soon as you heard the release, the projectile was coming for you. And as fast as you were, there was no way to dodge it.

You blinked.

A flash of blinding pain erupted from your shoulder as an arrow-like object embedded itself within your flesh. The words were lost in your throat, but holding them in, a reactionary gurgle of agony escaped.

The security officer shouted something into his comms. The away team scrambled. Someone pulled you from the path, but not before the twang! and release of more projectiles was heard again.

You hadn't been shot before, but now you had. The voices around you seemed to fade out of volume, though they were nearby. Your head swam with confusion and fear. All of those aside, it was the sensation of beaming on board that brought you back to lucidity.

All you could think of was not on the primitive projectile jutting from your shoulder. Not the hazy fog that filled your thoughts, like a slow poison. It was with your boyfriend.

"Get them to Medbay! We need help!" someone called for help.

Despite the lucidity, you felt a prisoner in your body as they helped you onto a stretcher. Carried toward the Medbay, you tried to parse your thoughts into a coherence, but it was no use. The faces of those around you were blurry, some doubling. Their voices faded in and out, and slowly, you felt less and less control of your limbs.

Upon arrival into the Medbay, the white light overwhelmed you. If you weren't already having trouble comprehending the world around you, the commotion in the Medbay brought vertigo-like nausea to you. Despite your understanding of your surroundings being hard to pay attention to, you knew the blurry silhouette at the end of the stretcher.  The appearance of the CMO was something that would've been comforting to some. Despite having little control over your body, you try to move from his sight, lamely shifting away to evade his gaze.

“What are you waiting for, divine intervention?" his voice cut in. "I need a bed for the patient, stat.”

You tried to roll the stretcher once more, but your already turning stomach turned some more at the movement. Your shoulder burst into another wave of pain. A gentle touch upon your collar stopped your movement. You didn't need to open your eyes to know whose hand it was. You were well versed with those hands. You knew the good and kind work those hands performed, the love and tenderness behind his touch. But you also knew what those hands had done in the seconds before you parted.

Tears pricked at your eyes, but they weren't for the pain. No. The fading rush of adrenaline somewhat helped with that. The tears were for a different pain.

"It'll be okay Darlin', you'll be okay." He says, voice low, hurridly. You felt his hand upon your cheek, cupping it. "You have to be."

Soon after that, all the noises of the Medbay blended into one. A prick of a Hypospray led to a loss of sensation in your arm. Then torso. And slowly after that, a loss of awareness. But as your eyes fluttered to a close, some part of you fighting the anaesthesia, you caught sight of him. He stood at the end of the cot, a chart in hand, speaking with a nurse.

As the world faded from view, you felt his name on your lips.

---

When you next opened your eyes, there was no denying the throbbing pain. Slowly beneath the bedsheets, you tested the muscles in your body, moving them slightly. Your fingers moved on command, toes too. As you shifted your arm, you realised that the projectile you had taken a hit with had been removed. Glancing up, everything in sight was as it should be, no doubled vision. The screen beside you that housed your vitals seemed to wake up with you. It hummed a similar tone to that of your heart; a soft ba-dum, ba-dum.

It wasn't long before a nurse arrived. But as quick as they came, another person appeared. But he was no nurse.

Leonard looked as tired as they came. His bags under the eyes were dark, his skin sallow, his dark hazel eyes somewhat vacant. You had no idea how long you had been under; it could only have been one day, right? But Leonard looked haggard. The previously sexy stubble of five o'clock shadow looked dishevelled, unkempt.

"I didn't mean what I said," you blurt, trying and failing to sit up. Silently, Leonard came to your side, helping you do so. The bed, adjusting into a seating position, whirred to life. "I was just frustrated. I love you."

"I love you too," he replied softly. "But there was truth to your words."

You watch as he takes a seat at the bedside, his hands lingering at the edge, not moving to hold yours. "You're nothing like my father, Len." You reassured him.

"I know." He says. "...but I was being your keeper. You're a free spirit; you deserve to be unfettered. Free to do what you want - free to do what your job needs."

"I'm not a pigeon that flew inside a public building, Leonard," you hum. "I'm a person."

He wipes a hand over his face. "A hell of a person, at that." He says, quietly. "In truth...you reminded me of her. My ex-wife. Elinor. She was always stubborn, that's why we got hitched, and why we fell apart. But with you..." You reach for his hand, interlacing his fingers with your own. "Darlin', you can handle yourself. You're a tough cookie. But with you – this is your life. You work as a xeno-geographer," He sighs, "Who am I to stop you?"

"Leonard..." you squeeze his hand.

"It was wrong of me to try to stop you. And even though you did get hurt, it took all I could to keep it together, treating you."

"Thanks for trusting me," you whisper, squeezing his hand once more. "I promise next time I'll be even more careful."

He smiles. "And even if you get hurt again, I'll patch you up."

[lifeofkaze]

When Stars Ignite - Chapter 14

HPHM Rockstar AU

A/N: Katriona Cassopeia (in mention) belongs to the gorgeous @kc-and-oc

General Warning: This whole fic has a general warning of being NSFW / 18+. We will give specific warnings for every chapter in itself, but several adult themes will be more or less present in every chapter, may it be explicitly or in mention. These include sexual topics, drug abuse, (ab)use of alcohol, smoking and a whole lot of cursing.

Specific Warning:

~~~

Find the masterpost here, the previous chapter here and the next one here. The songs featured before every chapter can be found on this pretty badass playlist here.

~~~

This work is a collaboration with @the-al-chemist

Taglist: @slytherindisaster @carewyncromwell @night-rhea @thatravenpuffwitch

Man, we were killin' time We were young and restless We needed to unwind I guess nothin' can last forever Forever, no… ~ Bryan Adams - Summer of ‘69 ~

Much to his relief, Orion’s fear of having been discovered seemed to prove unwarranted. Skye was a direct person, never shy to speak her mind; if she had truly seen something not meant for her eyes during the interview, Orion was sure she’d have already come and spoken to either of them.

But nothing of the sort had happened. She had acted just like she always did and his first surge of worry had died down again. Sometimes even the most focused mind was prone to being tricked and, as he had to admit to himself, focus was something he found himself lacking in these days.

It wasn’t only because of Lizzie’s teasing getting riskier that he found his mind wandering more often than not. Ever since the show they were meant to be playing for the children from the foster system had shown its face on the horizon, an ever present restlessness had been growing in Orion.

Dreams that he had pushed to the edges of his mind a long time ago had started haunting him again; they kept coming back whenever they held an event stirring the buried memories of his childhood. He loved seeing the light in the children’s faces when they were spending time with them; he knew it was a rare sight, after all. The emotional mess Orion carried back with him afterwards was the dark side of the coin, however.

The charity event was scheduled for the next day; they were to play a small acoustic set for the children in the afternoon and their regular show only a few hours later on top. To keep their spirits high before the double load, Ethan had scheduled a day off for them.

The weather was still uncharacteristically hot and so most of the band and crew had found themselves at the small pool on the rooftop of their hotel. Much to everyone’s surprise, even Artemis had joined them.

Charlie had followed Skye’s advice to take Artemis for drinks a few days prior. He had been unusually tight-lipped about it when they had asked him how it had gone down.

“It was good,” he had shrugged, “told you she’s not as bad as you all think.”

While the young pyro tech still kept her distance from the rest of them, Orion had seen her chatting with Charlie outside of their work on stage since then. He was glad she seemed to be taking a step into the right direction, lowering her armour even for the tiniest bit.

But Artemis’ tentative attempts at integrating herself with their group lounging by the pool were counteracted as soon as she took her shirt off. Everett audibly wolf-whistled at her black bikini with surprisingly colourful patterns crisscrossing it. Her withering glare was met with a lewd grin as Artemis picked up her stuff and dumped it on the deckchair farthest away from them.

Lizzie gave Everett a smack on the back of his head. “Well done, Ev, you’ve scared her away. I wanted to have a chat with her.”

Everett looked at her over the rim of his sunglasses. “I’m not stopping you. Two beauties in bikinis getting close? Who would I be to object? You could rub her back with sunscreen.”

He laughed to himself. “If Artemis isn’t up for it, I’m always here for you, gorgeous.”

A hint of the same irritation Orion felt flickered over Lizzie’s face. “You’re a real mood today.”

She got up from her own deckchair and started over in Artemis’ direction anyway, but was stopped by Charlie catching onto her wrist.

“Woah, where are you going, little rockstar?”

“Go and talk to Artemis, see if I can convince her to come over if Ev shuts up.” She gave the singer lounging in his chair a dark look.

“Nah, I don’t think so,” Charlie said and pulled her down next to him. “Trust me, if you push her you’ll be the one scaring her away. She’ll come over if she wants to.”

Lizzie opened her mouth to object but Charlie shook his head. “You can’t force her, sunshine.”

“Fine,” Lizzie snorted, not pleased by the situation, “so what’re we gonna do now?” She nodded in the direction of the pool. “Anyone up for a round of water polo?”

Everett declined, preferring to seek a better place to tan, while Merula did the opposite and withdrew to the shade with a book. So it was Charlie, Lizzie, Andre and Skye who made their way to the water. Orion would have joined them, but he was preoccupied with some ideas that had been floating around in his head since that morning; he wanted to write them down before he’d forget them.

He was lying on his stomach on his deckchair, notebook open in front of him, but found it hard to concentrate. The match of water polo going on in the pool had turned into some kind of wrestling match, like it always did eventually. Lizzie and Skye were sitting on Charlie’s and Andre’s shoulders respectively, trying to knock the other into the water; a lot of giggling and shouting was involved as they fought for the upper hand.

What really distracted him though, was the way the sunlight was refracting in the water droplets on Lizzie’s skin when she moved. It let her slender body shimmer, her tan she always got so quickly in the summer months a beautiful contrast to the vibrant red of her bikini. Her wet hair looked a lot darker than it actually was and it was clinging to her back.

Skye almost managed to knock her off Charlie’s shoulder and Lizzie laughed as she righted herself again. It was the kind of laugh that made her stand out amongst all the others, bright and captivating. It gave her an aura that was impossible to escape, drawing eyes whenever she entered a scene. She had the ability to light up a whole room with her smile, as fresh and beautiful as a sunrise.

“I’d say I’m 95.9 % sure what you’re staring at, my friend,” Orion suddenly heard the voice of Murphy next to him, “or should I rather say who?”

Orion tried not to let his surprise show; he had been so lost in thought that he hadn’t heard his best friend approach. “Your meaning is obscure to me,” he answered evasively. “I’m simply trying to work here.”

Murphy couldn’t hide his smirk. “When you’re working, your attention is usually 87.5 % focused on your work, more if no one is distracting you. Four out of five times you don’t even react when spoken to.” He glanced down at the mostly blank page of Orion’s notebook. “Today I’d say your focus is reduced to abysmal 30.9 %.” Never missing a detail, his eyes flicked to the still on-going wrestling match in the pool.

With a sigh, Orion closed his notebook and rested his head on his arms. Murphy was far too observant to be lied to, but he didn’t have to know all the details either.

He indicated their laughing friends with a slight nod of his head. “It is good that our friends are having a great time, it strengthens their bond of friendship. But they are making a lot of noise, it’s bound to draw attention.”

The dismissive sound Murphy was making clearly showed that he wasn’t buying it. “It’s obvious they’re distracting you. But from what I’ve seen, 95.5 % of the time you’ve spent looking at them were devoted to one of the pairs, and while I do have to admit that Andre’s new gold bangles are surprisingly flashy and apparently water resistant, I highly doubt it was him that drew your attention, same goes for Skye, although her hair usually is an eye catcher, I’ll give you that. That leaves Charlie and dear Lizzie, and last time I checked, you weren’t one for redheads, that’s more my thing. Not that I want to say I find Charlie particularly attractive, although some might say so, but I digress. So only one option remains, and as the one and only master of logical deductions, the great Sherlock Holmes, once said, ‘Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable…”

“...must be the truth’,” Orion finished with a sigh. “I know the quote. You're quoting numbers all day every day, do you really feel the need to go into literature as well now?"

Ignoring him, Murphy was grinning from ear to ear, clearly satisfied with his conclusions. “Is there something you want to tell me?”

Orion wasn’t answering immediately; he didn’t like Murphy’s prying at all. “Are you done, Detective McNully?”

“Fine, don’t answer me then, I don’t need confirmation,” Murphy snorted. “The stats never lie, my friend.”

Orion rolled his eyes, hoping Murphy wouldn’t delve into another one of his statistical sprees. Although he was right in that his numbers were seldom wrong, Orion himself preferred a more open-minded view of his surroundings to Murphy’s cold, analytical observations; especially, if these observations were directed at his own behaviour.

But of course, Murphy wasn’t deterred. “To the attentive observer, which of course you know that I am, all the facts are there. Eight out of ten times your mood changes for the better when Lizzie enters the room. Seven out of ten times she starts smiling when she looks at you. You two look at each other during shows and soundtracks 46.4 % more often than at the others and yes, I factored out the times when you need to because of the cues she’s giving you, thanks a lot for asking. You hug each other at the end of the shows significantly longer as well. When you leave the backstage area, you’re never leaving together but almost always in close succession.”

The blond sound technician crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Are you really sure there isn’t anything you want to tell me?”

Orion was more than a little shocked at all the facts Murphy had just thrown at him. “I had no idea it was that obvious.”

Murphy shrugged, a sly smile appearing on his face. “Only to me. You’ve been my best friend for as long as I can remember, and my above average observational skills, which of course not everyone possesses, solved 82.3 % of the mystery.”

“What’s with the rest?”

“What I can offer in facts, I sometimes lack in interpreting. Katriona connected the dots.”

“Obviously,” Orion sighed.

“So, what’s the deal with you two? Are you dating?” A frown appeared on Murphy’s face. “I thought you had a clause about this in your contracts. Ethan’s not going to like this.”

Orion vehemently shook his head. “No, you got that wrong. We’re not dating, everything is just like it has always been. We’re just enjoying additional pastimes, which - I’ll give you that - may exceed a regular friendship.”

He looked at Murphy intently. “No one besides you knows about this, and I would appreciate it if it stayed that way.”

Murphy made a non-committal sound. “Of course this doesn’t include Katriona.”

“As if any of us could keep a secret from her.”

“I normally don’t go for absolutes but that’s 100 % true,” Murphy laughed. He looked at Orion curiously. “So how long has this thing between you and Lizzie been going on now?”

“A while,” Orion answered evasively.

“The definition of ‘a while’ ranges from two weeks to up to a year. Judging by my numbers, it’s definitely not the former. Doesn’t sound like a short lived fling to me.”

“I wouldn’t call it a fling,” Orion said; it was surprisingly hard to put what was going on between them into words. “But we’re definitely not emotionally involved with each other. It’s not a matter of the heart, more of a physical extension built on the base of our friendship.”

Murphy leaned back into his wheelchair and grinned. “The old classic, friends with benefits.”

“If that’s the label you want to stick on it.”

Murphy hummed in response, following Orion’s gaze to the pool again. His voice was quieter when he spoke this time. “Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

“Why wouldn’t it be? We are both on the same page about it.”

“Just saying, things like these seldomly work out as well as they start. Approximately 89.6 % of physical relationships end in chaos, tears or both.”

The memory of his own initial worry emerged in the back of Orion’s mind. He watched as Skye gave Lizzie a final push that sent her toppling from Charlie’s shoulders. She shrieked before she crashed into the water, but was already laughing again when she resurfaced; Orion firmly pushed his concerns away.

“It won’t escalate with us,” he said. “Both of us value our friendship, and the fate of Equinox even more so. We’ve established very clear rules. I appreciate your worries, but they are misplaced.”

“As much as I love rules for the structure they’re bringing, rules can easily be broken,” Murphy said. “Just be careful, okay? Mixing friendship with sex can be a lot of fun but the devil’s in the detail.”

They both watched Lizzie climbing out of the pool and heading over into their direction. When she passed Everett, he pulled down his sunglasses and watched after her, his eyes very slowly travelling up and down her body. He said something to her Orion couldn’t hear, but Lizzie only rolled her eyes, shot something back and continued on her way. Murphy's eyes flicked from her to Orion.

“Aren’t you bothered with Ev hitting on her?”

Orion shrugged. “Why would I? She’s not my girlfriend, and she can perfectly handle herself, as you’ve just seen.”

“That she undoubtedly can,” Murphy laughed, “I’ll better be off now and leave you two alone. I wonder where my beautiful wife is. I haven’t seen her in quite a while now.”

[slowly-writing]

Cheetos

Jennifer Jareau x Reader

Word count: 1.7k

Requested by anon: maybe if you get a chance....... jj is obsessed with cheetos right? what about asking her out using cheetos somehow

You spend a lot of time paying attention to what makes JJ happy. Probably too much time, but that's besides the point. You’ve only needed to act on this once and what worked oddly enough, was a bag of cheetos. You found out by accident one day. You were on the plane home from a case, you’d lost a child and JJ was beating herself up over it.

“JJ, you’ve gotta eat something. I know you haven’t eaten since yesterday,” you beg but she shakes her head.

“I’m not hungry.” her response is short and you sigh, walking over to the kitchen area on the jet and grabbing the first thing you see, a bag of cheetos, and placing them on her lap.

“Now I’m not going anywhere until you eat those, so we can either sit here and stare at each other for the remainder of this 5 hour flight, or you can eat the damn chips and I’ll leave you alone,” you say firmly, planting yourself in the seat across from her. You expect her to snap, maybe even throw the bag at you, but to your surprise she smiles. It’s a small one but it’s there, and then she opens the bag and eats it all.

You stored that knowledge away for a rainy day, which seems to be happening right now. She’s been moody all day. She didn’t acknowledge any of you when she walked in, simply sitting at her desk and glaring at her paperwork. The team had been speculating all day as to what could be bothering her. Reid spit out a bunch of fats that just confused you and when Morgan mentioned her period he got smacked by both you and Emily. Emily suggested a fight with her “secret” boyfriend and everyone agreed that was probably it.

At the mention of Will you retreated into your own head. You being in love with JJ was about as much of a secret as the fact that she was in a relationship. The only difference was you knew everyone was aware of your poorly hidden crush, everyone but JJ.

Deciding you no longer wanted to talk to the team you walked over to JJ’s desk, hoping to be able to cheer her up.

“Hey, JJ. You wanna grab lunch?” you ask tentatively, hoping not to anger her more. It seems you’ve failed as her glare turns from her desk towards you.

“And why would I want to do that?” she snaps and your eyes go wide. You stumble back a few steps as if her words have hurt you, which they obviously couldn’t. At least not physically.

“Oh I….nevermind,” you trail off, locking your gaze on the floor and rushing to your desk. You’ve never been more grateful that your’s and JJ’s desks were on opposite sides of the room. With the way they were positioned and the amount of people flowing in and out from their breaks she couldn’t see you looking like a kicked puppy.  Unfortunately the rest of the team could and their looks of pity only made you feel worse. You quickly open your desk drawer, setting your laptop inside and taking a bag of cheetos out. You grab your bag and make your way out of the bullpen, setting the snack on JJ’s desk while you pass it as quietly as you can. In your effort to avoid eye contact you miss the soft smile she sends after you.

xxxxx

Her anger doesn’t last long, and she does make sure to apologize to you. You brush it off, stating that everyone has bad days and you both move on. The team finally has a break in cases and with your newfound freedom have gathered for family game night. You’re all huddled into Garcia’s small living room playing a truly vicious game of monopoly. Spencer was the banker, having been banned for using statistics to win every round, but he was enjoying watching the chaos. Garcia had little to no strategy. She bought the property that matched her “aesthetic” and nothing else. Hotch silently watched and strategically bought what others needed, selling it to them for a higher price. Rossi and Morgan bought what they thought would make them the most money. You bought a few properties, but mostly just sat back and watched while the others fought it out.  Emily almost always played way too aggressively and bankrupted herself buying every property she landed on. You’re pretty sure it was just to make Reid angry though, he always got frustrated and told her how it was statistically improbable that she would win like that to which she responded, “improbable. Not impossible.”

Morgan was in the lead this week with JJ in dead last. Emily had already lost, but everyone else besides falling between the two.

“Alright little mama, you're up,” the smirk on Margans face as he hands JJ the dice makes you roll your eyes. He’s ridiculously cocky, but unfortunately it’s one of the things you love about him. JJ takes a deep breath before rolling a three and landing on Morgan’s property, subsequently bankrupting her.

“Aw no! Better luck next time!” Garcia’s words would sound condescending from anyone else, but from her they sound sincere.

“Thanks Pen,” JJ says before slouching in her seat and crossing her arms over her chest.

“If it makes you feel better, you lasted longer than me,” Emily offers and JJ’s pout deepens.

“An aardvark would last longer than you,” JJ grumbles, causing everyone to laugh before turning back to the game. You nudge JJ with your elbow slyly handing her the Cheetos you’d brought when she looks your way. Her pout instantly disappears and she’s laughing, gratefully accepting the bag with a wide smile. You smile as well, feeling accomplished having cheered her up, even if it was over something silly.

xxxxx

You noticed JJ’s been a bit down lately. Not mean, not angry, just sad. She stays to herself, and when she does engage in conversation she’s quiet and closed off. Everyone has tried to talk to her about it, but she just shrugs it off as being tired or sick, but you know it’s more.

It’s just the two of you left in the bullpen, everyone else having retreated off to their Friday evening plans, or lack thereof in Reid’s case. When you look over at her she’s staring off into space and you debate asking her what’s wrong. Your internal debate leads you not to, she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to talk. You’re going to leave her be when you remember your secret weapon.

Smiling to yourself you grab a bag of Cheetos out of your desk and make your way over to her whisper her name to draw her attention.

“Oh hey, what’s up?” She asks and you send her a soft smile.

“Nothing I just…” you trail off, setting the bag on her desk. She stares at it for a moment and you go to turn away, stopping when she grabs your arm.

“Wait. I…” she trails off, searching your eyes for the answer to a question she hasn’t even asked yet. “Why?”

“Why what?” You prod gently, genuinely confused on what she means.

“Whenever I’m upset, you’re always there with Cheetos and a smile, no matter how mean I’ve been to you. Why?” She clarifies and you shrug slightly, looking to the floor to avoid eye contact.

“Oh, uh. I figured out that they’re your favorite, and it always seems to cheer you up. I just want you to be happy,” you say and she stares again.

“Why?” You roll your eyes, amused at the one word replies.

“JJ, I’m really gonna need more words from you if you want to hold a conversation,” you tease and she smiles.

“Why do you want me to be happy?” you start to answer and she cuts you off, “and don’t say it’s because we’re friends. You and I both know you don’t do this stuff for Emily or Spence. I want to know why you’re really doing this.”

“I’ve been in love with you for a long time now,” you say simply. “The rest of the team figured it out months ago, I’m surprised you hadn’t yet.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” She sounds like she’s in awe, and you're shocked by the fact that she truly didn’t seem to know.

“Well, you’re with Will. As much as I want to be with you, I’d rather you be happy. If he makes you happy, then I’ll settle for being your friend who gives you Cheetos when you’re sad,” you say, with a self deprecating laugh, “as long as you’re happy.”

“How did you know that?” She asks in shock and you laugh for real.

“JJ, you’re not as sneaky as you’d like to think. We’ve all known since a week after we got back from New Orleans, but you were happy so I didn’t say anything.”

“But what about you?” You shrug.

“What about me?”

“You seem to be only concerned about my happiness. What about yours?” JJ asks, stepping closer and taking your hand. “Y/n, Will and I broke up last week. I realized it wasn’t him I liked, just the idea of him. I’m actually….in love with someone else.”

“JJ I really want you to be happy but I don’t think I can handle the emotional whiplash I’ll get if you say someone else right now. So just tell me straight up. Do I have a chance?” You ask, heart beating a mile a minute. Whatever the answer is, your relationship is about to change forever.

“Yes dummy, you have a really good chance,” she says before pulling you into a kiss. It’s everything you imagined and so much more, but it ends quickly as JJ starts giggling.

“What? What’s so funny?” you’re unable to hold back your smile at the joy on her face. Her smile is infectious, and you could stare at it for the rest of time. The next words out of her mouth have you joining in on the laughter

“I can’t believe Cheetos brought us together.”

tag list: @rvgrsbrns @rororo06 @prizmix-and-friends @worlds-in-words @im-salt-but-not-salty @5aftermidnight @riotmaximoff @xxxtwilightaxelxxx

CM tag list: @reidingandwriting

[mewtonian-physics]

my ranking of the alex rider original series (stormbreaker through scorpia rising) from ‘book i least enjoy rereading’ to ‘book i most enjoy rereading’ let’s goooo

spoilers for all 9 books under the cut

9. Ark Angel

...He went to space. He went to space. Also the entire plot could have been avoided if Drevin had actually bothered to provide a photograph of his son. I’m sure he had one. I still like this book but it’s literally so insane that I just don’t know what to do with it. 

It is however really funny that Webber just goes and gives a speech insulting this super high-profile ecoterrorist group and acts like it’s no big deal and then they kill him. Shock of shocks.

8. Skeleton Key

Okay, points to this book for terrifying the shit out of me. God damn it does that shark scene scare me. Also, points for making me feel a little bit bad for a man who wants to nuke his own country because he thinks it will fix the place up. I’m still not entirely sure how that’s supposed to work, but that’s probably a good thing. I feel like understanding his thought process would say bad things about me. Still, I actually did feel sorry for him, if only a little. Dude was clearly mentally unstable and I doubt his son’s death helped at all. I also got sad about what happened to Carver and Troy. (Yeah, yeah, I’m a cringe fail American who has the American release. So sue me.) What a nightmare that must’ve been to endure... Otherwise, though, I’m not super into this book. The opening is just kind of meh and the way it leads into the rest of the plot seems a little bit unbelievable. Also, this might be an unpopular opinion, but Sabina annoys me. I would not get along with her at all and I can’t imagine her as a girlfriend. Skeleton Key does, however, absolutely excel at the emotional scenes. 

Also, why are all the spy agencies so comfortable with sending in a 14-year-old? Especially when they outright admit that the other attempts have all died horribly? Bureaucracy’s a bitch.

7. Point Blank

Boo, Dr. Grief! Boo! We hate your white supremacy! I’m so glad you got a snowmobile to the face, you deserved it. (Perks of books written by Jewish people--we aren’t afraid to give the neo-Nazis an unpleasant death.) Anyway, this book definitely isn’t bad, but I wouldn’t really say it stands out in the series. It definitely does hammer home the point of just how trapped Alex is, since MI6 isn’t going to just let him go after one mission, and let’s face it, the plot with the clones is creepy as hell, if highly improbable. But I’m largely just here to see the neo-Nazi get snowmobiled. That’s right, I just completely changed the definition of a pre-established word. I’m a rebel.

Also, I hate Fiona Friend so much and overall think she just didn’t need to be in the book, but the line about ‘I’d rather kiss the horse’ made me laugh so hard. Alex, you sass.

6. Snakehead

Okay, let’s talk about how genius the plan in this book is. I love it! I love how Yu wants to kill the people involved in the peace conference without making them into martyrs, so he comes up with this whole elaborate plan to stage a natural disaster. It’s incredible. This dude was thinking so far ahead. And he would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling kid... But anyway, I don’t see a lot of books where the villain really acknowledges that killing their enemies could just cause more problems for them via turning them into martyrs for a cause. Also, the way he’s so polite and soft-spoken while also being a complete monster... This book genuinely gives me chills. Extra bonus points for the part in the hospital, the absolute nightmare of having all your organs slowly removed and sold off and everyone around you is being so nice about it? ‘Oh, don’t worry, Alex, it won’t be so bad. Here, take your medicine. Do you need anything?’ Literally just. What the fuck. 

Also Ash can fucking fight me. You put your own godson in horrible danger on purpose! You killed your best friend! Bastard. 

...And just in case the book wasn’t disturbing enough, Yu’s fate at the end lives in my mind rent-free and I think about it on a concerningly regular basis considering that the chances of that happening to me are so low they’re practically in the negatives. Damn you, Horowitz.

I would also be remiss if I did not mention just how much I love the tagline ‘once bitten, twice spy’.

5. Crocodile Tears

Ah yes, the book that kickstarted my drift away from the church... I kid, of course. I drifted away from the church for completely separate reasons. But Desmond McCain is always going to scare the shit out of me. The ability to kill countless innocent people while blissfully quoting Bible verses (that he takes wildly out of context and uses for his own self-serving means) is... well, I could actually say a lot about what that reminds me of, but I’m here to rate books, not religion. Moving on. This book has some really stellar antagonists, and the plot is chilling in a way that feels a lot more realistic than most of the other books. Even if some of it is a bit farfetched (sabotaging a nuclear power plant? Really?), the idea of using disasters for your own profit... well. I’m sure I don’t need to elaborate on why that is so believable. The Poison Dome is also a really cool and chilling scene--even Alex, who has the luck of the devil, can’t get out of that one unscathed. Further scares come in with the fate of Harold Bulman--imagine having your entire existence wiped and your identity changed while you were asleep! The breakdown he has over it is almost enough to make me feel sorry for him, even though he was ready to exploit a teenager and make his life a living hell just to turn a profit. Note the word almost.

Also. The opening makes me cry. Specifically the line talking about how Ravi’s kids would ‘never meet Mickey Mouse’. I lose my goddamn mind every single time I read it. That little personal touch turns the scene from a statistic to a tragedy. Once again: Damn you, Horowitz.

4. Stormbreaker

Yeah, this one gets the special cover shot. And why not? What we are looking at here is the birth of a legend. Move the fuck over, James Bond, Alex Rider is on the scene now. Anyway, yeah, this book is pretty damn spectacular. It has its stumbles, but as the first book in a series, that’s to be expected. Still, it pulls you in from quite literally the first line and keeps you going right up until the end. (If you came here from my post of memes, you know how much the line ‘Killing is for grownups, and you’re still a child’ destroys me.) It has the debut of much-beloved characters such as, of course, Alex--but also Jack Starbright, and of course, the best MI6 agent of them all, which is to say Smithers. Hell, even Yassen Gregorovich, especially once you get through Russian Roulette... Man, that was a rough one. 

Seriously, though. This is a really good book. The scene with the Portuguese man-o’-war still gives me the chills to think about. (Have you ever looked up pictures of those things? They’re beautiful, but holy shit will they make you regret being born. Nature is funny like that.) 

We also get the introduction of, of course, Alex’s patented sass (his response to Sayle saying he relates to the man-o’-war is HILARIOUS) and we get the inherent humor of Alex screwing up an alias one time and then just going by Alex for the rest of the series so he doesn’t do that again. Really, kid, I know you’re not a trained spy or anything but did you never play pretend growing up? Ever? You can’t pretend your name is Felix for a little while? That sounds like a you problem.

3. Scorpia Rising

I distinctly remember when this book came out, actually. I was on vacation at the time, and I remember my brother annoying the hell out of the poor workers at a bookstore we frequented there to see if/when they were going to get it in. They did, finally, and we bought it immediately, and I was of course absolutely desperate to read it. He got to read it first, though. -_-

This is a great book, an absolute emotional rollercoaster all the way through. The way Blunt tricks Alex back into service by staging a shooting was exactly the kind of cold, brutal behavior I’d expect from him. Seeing Julius come back was shocking, but very exciting, too. And Razim makes an incredibly chilling villain, with his absolute disregard for human life and his desire to measure pain. Also, seeing Smithers’s house was so much fun. Smithers in this book was just really fun in general, but he’s really fun in every book, so... nothing unusual there. But also, I want an unwelcome mat. Please?

2. Eagle Strike

‘But Penny,’ you might ask, ‘why is this book so high on your list? It has so much of Sabina in it, and you said she annoys you.’ That is true. What does not annoy me, however, is basically the entire rest of the book. I love the tense opening, and then reading through Alex’s real-life ‘playthrough’ of Feathered Serpent is still one of my favorite scenes. Cray is absolutely incredible as a villain, with the way that he truly believes in his cause--which is undoubtedly a good one! Yet the extremes to which he will go for that cause, and the fact that he very nearly succeeds, are what elevate him to one of the most dangerous villains in the series. That scene with Charlie Roper and the nickels is something I can never seem to stop thinking about. Actually, I think about it basically whenever I think about large amounts of money paid in small increments... 

Also, I really enjoy how he gets into the whole plot in the first place, and I really enjoy Smithers saying ‘ah, fuck it’ and helping him out anyway. Go, Smithers. You once again prove me right in saying that you’re the coolest adult in MI6.

The revelation that Yassen knew Alex’s father is one that absolutely blew my mind first time around. The way his life was threaded into the lives of the Rider family--he worked with John Rider, was saved by him, killed Ian Rider, and then died for refusing to kill Alex Rider--wow. Wow. It gets to me. It really gets to me. This book is a masterpiece. I heard that it’s going to be what the second season of the TV series is based off of, and I’m so hyped for that. We love to see it, we really do.

1. Scorpia

I don’t believe anyone who says this book didn’t get to them at all. I just think they are lying. I don’t think it’s humanly possible to not be affected by this book. God. Just thinking about it reminds me of why I don’t think it’s possible. I mean, come on. We get all this backstory about Alex’s parents, we get tricked along with him into thinking MI6 killed his father, then bam, that was a lie, and Alex may have just fucked himself over big time. Also, that plot is terrifying! (And I bet anti-vaxxers had a field day with it, huh.) Julia Rothman is a really great antagonist, one of the only ones who didn’t go and explain her plan in great detail to Alex--the fact that she didn’t actually being a plot point was something I personally found pretty clever. In general, this book is... I tend to hate when people say they ‘can’t put it down’ because it’s usually an obvious exaggeration, but that really is how I feel reading it.

And again. If that ending didn’t get to you... Well, I just think you are lying.

[apuzzlingguy]

LMFAO

So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I'm posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.]

Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it's not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them.

THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH)

They are the world's largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE.

They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn't put them where they need to fucking go.

So they don't have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn't just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it'll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it's basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons.

"If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators." No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job.

They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it's so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) "Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!" Do not let that expression fool you, they just don't have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck.

They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them.

"Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us." Yes, thank you. "But if they're so bad at literally everything, why haven't they gone extinct." Great question.

BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT'S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that'll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY.

And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it.  This was posted to reddit a while back and the user deleted their profile so I can’t give credit :(

[rhub4rb]

Of Birds and Bugs

AO3

Ch.1 Ch.2 Ch.3 Ch.4 Ch.5 Ch.6 Ch.7

-_-_-_-

Gotham truly was a beautiful city.

Marinette had gotten a good look at it after she had transformed, flying up in the air and looking for a good place to detransform in, ending up in an alley somewhere.

Her Ladybug suit had changed after her debut as NeTi. Now, she had a black, long-sleeve cheongsam top, with a red sleeveless top that had a round neckline, dots placed a bit more strategically with one small at the top, one big in the middle, and another small one at the bottom front, where it stopped around her bellybutton.  It had two long coattails, going down to her knees. Her legs and stomach were completely black, save for the red soles on her shoes.

She had been quite happy to find that there was a hole in the middle of her back, where wings now resided on her bare skin.

After Marinette had detransformed, she had panicked when she realized she had forgotten her medical mask back in her hotel room. Tikki told Marinette to just put up her hood and then it would be hard to recognize her.

So, Marinette walked the dark streets of Gotham alone, and despite everything in her logical mind yelling that it wasn't safe, Marinette hadn't felt this relaxed in ages. Maybe it was the continuous sound of cars driving by, or the chatter of people walking down the streets.

Marinette, in all her loneliness, had taken to keeping her skylight open at night, focusing on the sound of people.

For some reason, it helped her breathe.

Of course, that came with its own set of dangers, namely Chat Noir, but Marinette had gotten good at waking up from the sense of him near.

It was nice that no one seemed to recognize her either. She knew that it was probably because of the dark and her hoodie dress, but it was still a nice little break.

Marinette let out a sigh, her shoulders slumping. She pulled out her phone, going wide-eyed as she saw what the time was.

"I should probably head back to the hotel..." She mumbled under her breath.

She looked around, before discreetly walking into an alley where she could transform. Marinette pulled on her oversized hoodie's neckline, Tikki sleeping in one of the inside pockets she had made.

Marinette was just about to tell Tikki that it was time to go, when she heard a thud on the roof of one of the buildings.

She let go of her neckline quickly, and looked up, only to see a boy's silhouette.

-

It was a standard patrol that night.

It had been pretty uneventful so far, in Damian's opinion, and he really wasn't in the mood to go around Gotham today.

For some weird reason, his father had thought it was a good idea to invite an entire class from France to visit Gotham, and Damian just knew that at least one of them would cause problems. He did not feel like babysitting a class full of foreigners that didn't speak English, no thank you.

Damian snapped out of his internal complaining however when he spotted a hooded figure walking into a dark alley. He felt suspicion crawl up his neck, and he quickly told the others that he was checking something out real quick.

When he landed on the roof of one of the buildings, the person quickly turned around to see where the noise came from.

Damian felt his breathing hitch when wide bluebell eyes met his.

In the girl's fast turn, her hood had fallen off, revealing midnight blue hair, hiding peach pink coloring.

"Hello..." She said faintly, and Damian noted a slight heating in his cheeks.

"You know, it's quite late for an attractive girl like yourself to be out. Especially in Gotham."

"O-oh!" The girl coughed, looking anywhere but at him. "I- uh, I got a bit lost. I've never been to Gotham before so..." she trailed off, her foot awkwardly kicking the ground.

Damian heard a slight french accent, and he wondered if she was part of the French class he had been complaining about all day.

"You're one of the heroes from here, right?" She looked up at him with her big eyes, and Damian hated how endearing it made her appear.

"Robin," he said curtly.

The girl smiled brightly at him, Damian cursing his heart for fluttering.

"My name's Marinette, I'm here with my class on a trip from France. It's an honor to meet you."

Her name sounded familiar to him, but he brushed it off. He had met so many people in his life already, he wouldn't be surprised if he'd met a Marinette before.

"Well Angel, how about I take you back to the hotel," he spoke before thinking.

Damian considered taking back the statement for a moment, but the way the girl's eyes lit up and her smile widened made him stop in his tracks.

"I mean, if it's not a bother then-"

"Of course not," Damian jumped down from the roof, and for the first time got a closer look at the girl's face.

He noticed the faint freckles peppering her cheeks, as well as the light blush that even touched her ears. Damian thought she looked familiar, but he shook the thought out of his head.

This was her first time in Gotham, so there was no reason for her to seem familiar to him.

She was pretty too, beautiful even. He felt as if he would remember if he had met her.

"So, Angel, are you ready?"

Her answering smile had his heart beating faster.

-

Marinette thought about Robin as she lied in her hotel bed, trying to fall asleep.

The heroes in Gotham were different to those in Paris.

Robin couldn't be much older than Marinette herself, and yet here he was fighting crime, even without a protective layer of magic to help him.

It was something that had always scared Marinette about the heroes without magic. They were just normal human beings, they weren't built for fighting the same way Marinette now was.

Of course, Marinette wasn't magic, at least not completely, but she still had magic that helped protect her, and that magic was powered by what was essentially the goddess of creation!

It was both inspiring and nerve-wracking at the same time.

Marinette let out a sigh.

She had woken up about an hour ago, having fallen out of the bed. Marinette stayed mostly quiet, not wanting to wake Tikki up at three in the morning, so instead, she had spent the early hours of the morning being on her phone.

Now an hour had gone by however, and Marinette was starting to feel both restless and bored.

She checked the time, deciding to take a shower. There was still a while before the class had to meet up, so she wasn't too worried about not making it in time. Truth be told, Marinette hadn't been late to school in a while. Now she always woke up early, having a quick one hour practice before getting ready to leave.

Of course, there were more enjoyable ways to wake up, and falling out of the bed was never really nice. Marinette was happy to say that it didn't happen too often however.

When she was done with her shower, Marinette started to get dressed, noticing her phone buzzing on the bed, stirring Tikki slightly.

Marinette went to turn it off when she read the messages that had been sent.

'Lila somehow managed to talk to Bustier into changing some plans'

The first text from Alix read, and Marinette's heart sunk.

'we're leaving early- Lila told Bustier she had informed you of the changes'

Panic took its place in Marinette's stomach.

'the bus leaves @8'

Marinette quickly looked at the time, and for a moment, she wanted nothing more than to throw her phone.

8:05

She took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves.

This was fine. She would just ask Claude, her bodyguard, to drive her there. He was going to come with her anyway for the tour anyway.

Marinette sighed, nudging Tikki awake.

"Time to wake up Tikki, Claude will drive us to the Wayne building."

"Wh- wha?"

Marinette just smiled at her drowsy kwami, before putting Tikki in her purse and putting on her black medical mask.

When she walked out of her room, she saw Claud stood ready for her outside of her door.

"I'm sorry to inform you that your class has already left," Claude said, wincing at his words.

"Yeah, I know, Alix texted me that Lila pulled some strings," Marinette grinned wrily, though Claude couldn't see it. "I don't know what strings she has to pull, but..." she shrugged.

Claude sighed, ruffling her hair and ignoring the indignant 'hey!'.

"Let's go Mari, I'm sure you don't want to be more late than you already are."

-

Dick was looking very forward to the french class arriving for the tour.

After Damian had gone slightly off route for last night's patrol, then saying that he would be back but then not showing up for an hour, it made his three brothers drill him about what happened.

It took a while, and a lot of prying, but Dick figured it out before the others did.

"So who's the girl?"

Damian had stiffened, and that was when Dick knew he had hit the mark.

The others had noticed too, and Jason had pounced immediately.

"A girl talked to Demon Spawn and didn't immediately run for the hills?" He asked in overdramatized shock. "This is a once in a lifetime chance! No way another girl will do that."

"Shut up, Todd," Damian grit out.

Dick would have felt bad for Damian,  if it weren't for the fact that he found it way too amusing.

"It's a statistical improbability!" Tim added.

"So, what is the unfortunate soul's name?" Jason asked, slinging his arm over Damian's shoulder.

Damian crinkled his nose in disdain, lifting Jason's arm off of his shoulder in disgust. Looking around the excited faces of his brothers, he let out a tired sigh and crossed his arms.

"Marinette," He grumbled out. "I didn't get her last name, but she's here with that french class or whatever."

There was quiet between the brothers for a bit before Dick finally asked.

"You mean Marinette like NeTi Marinette? Rock idol NeTi?" Dick squeaked out.

Damian thought about it a little before shrugging.

"I don't know, but I don't think so? Isn't her hair black or something?" When all of his brothers nodded, Damian shook his head. "Then it wasn't her. Some of her hair was dyed."

The brothers deflated, bummed at the missed opportunity.

Dick, Tim, and Jason were all big NeTi fans. Tim was the first one to start listening to his music. He had always been a big Jagged Stone fan, so when he found out that his favorite musician's "niece" was releasing music, he checked it out. Dick and Jason followed soon after, but Damian never really gave her music a try.

Something about her probably being a flake.

Still, despite the disappointment, Dick wanted a look at the girl who had somehow charmed his youngest brother. Which was why he was confused when the french class arrived, but no girl fitting the description Damian gave was there. After a quick headcount, Dick was quick to bring this to the teacher's attention.

"Mme. Bustier?" The teacher looked at him with a questioning gaze. "You seem to be missing a student."

Her eyes widened, and Dick got the sinking feeling that the teacher hadn't counted her students before leaving the hotel. Great.

"If you wouldn't mind, is it okay if I took attendance for a moment?"

Dick nodded, but Mme. Bustier got cut off before she even got the chance to start.

"Don't worry, that won't be necessary."

Dick looked towards the sound of his brother's voice, his eyes widening at the sight of his brother linking arms with a girl he could only assume was Marinette.

-

Damian wanted nothing more than to find Marinette the day after patrol.

He used the information that he had, which was her first name and the fact that she was part of the French class that would be touring Wayne Enterprises, to try and find her.

He would have tried to get more information on her, but Bruce had strictly told all of his sons that they were not allowed to research the class, for some stupid reason that he wouldn't tell.

He didn't understand why, and he was highly tempted to say screw the rules, but one stern look from Alfred stopped him.

Instead, he decided to go with his brother to give the tour, in hopes that he could meet the girl as a civilian.

He was quick to notice however, once the class arrived at the front doors where he stood, keeping an eye out for her, that she wasn't there.

His brows furrowed, and he looked around in confusion and counting the class.

She wasn't there.

Had she lied?

No, there was supposed to be one more student, Damian noted as he counted them all.

They didn't forget her, did they?

Damian cursed under his breath and walked out, ignoring his brother calling out to him, as he started heading towards the parking lot. If he was lucky, she would still be at her hotel, and he could run into her there.

He didn't get very far however, as almost as soon as he stepped foot into the parking lot, someone walked into him.

"Hey! Look where you're-"

"Oh my gosh, I am so sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going and then-"

Damian was just about to level a glare at the girl, when his eyes widened in recognition.

"-and my class sort of left me behind so I was in a bit of a hurry and-"

She was rambling, he realized, and he wondered briefly about whether or not she had taken a breath yet.

"It's okay," He finally cut her off. "You said your class left you behind?"

He looked her over, noting the black medical mask she was wearing, as well as a tall man in a suit standing not that far behind her, reminding Damian of a bodyguard.

"Yeah, they uh, apparently changed the time of the tour, and I wasn't informed about it, so..." She trailed off.

It angered Damian slightly. He didn't know her, sure, but Gotham wasn't a safe city to be in, especially alone. How the teacher allowed this to happen, he had no idea.

"Well, I happen to know the route the tour is going, I could show you to your class?" Damian asked.

Marinette looked behind her, and when the unknown man in a suit nodded, Marinette beamed at him.

"That would be wonderful, thank you!"

Damian looked at the guy with narrowed eyes before looking at the girl and offering his arm.

"If you don't mind me asking, who's your friend over there?" She stiffened slightly, before laughing awkwardly.

"He's uh... A type of chaperone?" Her eyes crinkled and she shrugged. It was hard to tell what she was thinking or feeling when half of her face was covered. "I'm Marinette, by the way. Nice to meet you," She smiled.

"Damian. It's nice to meet you too," Damian relaxed, easing into a small smile, and he started to lead the girl towards the irresponsible class. "So Angel, is it your first time in Gotham?"

He hadn't meant for the nickname he had given her the night before to slip, but it didn't seem she noticed, stuttering a response.

"Y-yeah. I only really travel to Asia when I go places..." She trailed off, looking thoughtful.

"Oh? Where have you been?"

And just like that, they fell into easy conversation.

At least, until they reached the class.

-_-_-_-

@ozmav @skyel0ve @kuroko26 @shizukiryuu @fangirl-food-feelings @driftingmoonlitpetals @spicybelladonna @thebookwormfairy @god-is-dead-and-so-am-i @melicmusicmagic @minightrose @graduatedmelon @awkwardturtlez @sizzling-fairy-oil @thornangelic727 @royalchaoticfangirl @vixen-uchiha @mewwitch @my-name-is-michell @imfreakingmagical @queen-of-the-trash-planet-tm @constancetruggle @kae690 @resignedcatservant @worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry @drama-queen-supreme @derpingrainbow @captainmac6 @k-rena-k @lunar-wolf-warrior @friedchickening @fandomfan315 @fanboy7794 @yin-390 @unholykrow @teresarosiadeviluke2112 @ayuchan07 @seraphichana @justanothersepticeyefan @politelyvicious @roseinbloom02 @uncompressed-boi @cadencehood @kaleigh-girlonfire

[voltrontranscript]

VLD S8E12: The Zenith

Season 8 Episode 12: The Zenith

Transcript by @dragonofyang

Summary: With the combined power of the Sincline mech and the black Altean mech, Honerva pierces through realities to find her perfect universe, forcing the Atlas crew and the Paladins of Voltron to chase her across realities as they slowly become unraveled.

[Google Doc]

Keith: Paladins, report status.

Lance: I’m offline!

Pidge: Me, too.

Hunk: Uh, guys, are you seeing this?

Lance: What are those things doing?

Pidge: That’s how she’s getting in.

Keith: What do you mean?

Pidge: Honerva! She’s using those wings to pierce the barriers between realities. It’s her entry point!

[Cut to the IGF-Atlas.]

Shiro: Allura, come in. Are you there?

Allura: Shiro, I read you. Honerva combined her beast with Lotor’s Sincline. She has the comet ore, and with it, the ability to traverse realities. I’m headed to my lion now.

[Cut to Hunk, Coran, Romelle, and Tavo inside Yellow Lion.]

Coran: Our universe is collapsing, just like the day we lost the Castle of Lions. Those wings are causing the very fabric of our reality to disintegrate!

Hunk: Then we’re gonna stop that thing before it breaks through. Yellow Lion’s back!

Keith: Hunk, get your passengers back to the Atlas.

Hunk: Copy that.

[Cut to Merla as she awakens.]

Honerva: My loyal warriors, Merla proved disloyal. She turned her back on our mission and the future of Altea. But you two have remained by my side, and you will know true victory. The glory of Altea will be yours.

[Cut to the Lions as they power on.]

Pidge: Those robeasts are headed our way! Just in time! My lion’s responding!

Lance: Mine, too.

Keith: Allura, do you copy? Can you get to your lion? We’re gonna need Voltron.

Allura: Hold on. I’m coming!

[Cut to the IGF-Atlas.]

Shiro: In the meantime, the Atlas has you covered.

Coran: Wait, what about the collapsing universe? We need to stop it!

Keith: Coran, we’re counting on you to figure something out.

Coran: What? Me? I don’t know anything about that?

Keith: Then find someone who does! We need to stop that weapon before it breaks through realities. Paladins, do everything you can to keep the robeasts distracted. Let’s give the Atlas a shot.

Shiro: Atlas crew, prepare for transformation sequence.

[Cut to the lions as they fight the mechs.]

Lance: Nice shot!

Keith: Guys, I’m going in to stop Honerva!

Honerva: Still.

Keith: No!

[Cut to Coran, Romelle, Tavo, and other Atlas crew as they float through a hallway.]

Iverson: MFE pilots, report to your hangars! Stand by for launch!

Coran: I have an idea how we can stop the collapsing of space-time. I’ll grab Slav and Sam. You two get the Alteans and meet me back here in ten doboshes!

[Cut back to the lions as they fight the mechs.]

Hunk: Now, Pidge!

Keith: Fall back!

Shiro: Allura, now’s your chance!

Keith: We can’t get past them, so we’re gonna have to defeat them. Paladins, on me! Form Voltron!

Allura: Remember, those weapons can siphon our energy, so we need to avoid a direct hit.

Keith: Pidge, arm cannon!

Pidge: It’s the Altean!

Lance: Why is she helping us?

Merla: Please, do not harm them. They were misguided, much like I was. We all were!

Keith: Pilot capsule still intact.

Honerva: No!

[Cut to the IGF-Atlas.]

Coran: We need an escort to Honerva’s pyramid structure!

Shiro: What? Right now?

Slav: Yes! The sooner we go, the higher the probability that we can use the Alteans to stop the impending space-time rupture!

Coran: It’s actually similar to how we stopped the rupture when Voltron entered the quintessence field.

Sam: Only this time, that superstructure will be the energy amplification conductor and the Alteans will be the energy source.

Coran: Though, we’re still working out how to transfer their quintessence into the structure, but, you know, some things are just gonna have to be figured out on the fly!

Shiro: Get a team in place.

[Cut to the Altean mech and Voltron fighting.]

Keith: Final robeast out of commission! Hunk, form cannon!

Hunk: I’ve got lock!

Allura: Honerva has pierced realities.

Keith: Come on, we’re going in! Atlas, stay on me!

Coran: I’m afraid the Atlas can’t do that.

Pidge: Coran’s right. It isn’t made out of the same ore. It can’t traverse realities.

Keith: Then we’re going in alone.

Slav: Actually, that appears to be problematic as well.

Keith: What?

Slav: The statistical likelihood of Voltron succeeding against Honerva in a one-on-one battle is well below improbable.

Allura: We’ll have a better chance than if we don’t try at all. Balmera.

Lance: What’s going on?

Coran: It’s a convuldrum, the converging of Balmeras.

Lance: What called them here?

Hunk: Shay.

Coran: Quiznak!

Shiro: What just…?

Hunk: Whoa!

Lance: No way!

Pidge: This is crazy!

Allura: I don’t know what just happened, but now we have a chance.

Keith: Let’s stop Honerva.

Shiro: Coran, we’ll need you to secure the area and find a way to suppress this rift.

Coran: Yes, sir!

[Cut to Coran in the rebel ship.]

Coran: Wait! I know how to get the Altean energy into the structure. Drop Sam, Slav, and I off at the pyramid. Then I’ll need you to take the Alteans to the Balmera.

Slav: You’re wearing the right socks today, aren’t you?

[Cut to the Atlas/Voltron fusion mech as it passes through the rift.]

Allura: Is this…

Pidge: It’s an alternate Altea.

Lance: And it looks like this reality is crumbling, just like ours!

Hunk: How come it’s disintegrating so quickly?

Pidge: Those wings created a sort of cosmic tunnel in one blast. The rift must lead directly to the reality Honerva’s been looking for.

Shiro: And any reality that those wings bored through is falling apart.

Keith: We have to keep going!

[Scene change to Coran, Slav, Sam, and the Alteans entering the pyramid.]

Coran: We must hurry!

Sam: Okay, I think this is it. Powering the amplification module.

Slav: I’ll redirect the target to the rift. If we hit it with enough energy, it should seal.

Coran: Are the Alteans in place?

N-7: They are set.

[Scene change to an alternate Altea.]

Allura: All these innocent lives. There’s no limit to what Honerva will do or the lives she’ll tear apart to get what she wants.

Shiro: That’s why we need to stop her.

Allura: Even then, I fear she’s started a chain reaction that can never be undone.

[Cut to the Balmera convuldrum.]

Coran: We’re in place! Balmeras, channel your energy into the pyramid! Yes, it’s working! The channeled energy from the Balmeras seems to be holding the rift together.

[Cut to the Atlas-Voltron mech.]

Keith: Countermeasures! Form sword!

[Cut to the bridge of Oriande.]

Sam: Our current power level isn’t enough to maintain the rift!

Coran: Then we’ll hold it as long as we can! Every tick gives Voltron a chance.

Krolia: Coran, it’s Krolia. What can we do to help?

Coran: Krolia! Kolivan! Thank the ancients you’re here! We need all the energy we can harness to prevent the rift from expanding further.

Krolia: Copy that! Galra fleet, adjust the frequency of your ion cannons and aim at the pyramid structure.

Coran: Come on, please. A little longer! Voltron needs us.

[Cut to Honerva in her mech.]

Honerva: This is where it ends for you!

Lance: We need to get up.

Hunk: I can’t move.

Shiro: The ship’s not responding.

Allura: Honerva, she’s absorbed all our strength.

Pidge: This reality… it’s over.

Keith: No. We’ve always done the impossible. Our strength is our bond. Our power comes from each other. As long as we’re a team, we stand a chance. Sendak. Zarkon. Lotor. We’ve saved our universe countless times, but now all the realities are in need of Voltron. So this isn’t the end just yet. We need to get back up and stop Honerva once and for all! Fire boosters!

[Cut to the bridge of Oriande.]

Sam: The Galra fleet have depleted all their energy, and the Balmerans and Alteans are at their limit. At this rate, we won’t be able to contain the rift!

[Cut back to the Atlas-Voltron mech as it approaches the shrinking rift, then cut to Honerva’s mech emerging into deep space as she approaches Daibazaal.]

Zarkon: You’re getting faster.

Sendak: Not half as fast as the emperor.

Zarkon: Stay back! What’s your name?

Honerva: You don’t recognize me? I’ve searched beyond the stars to be here.

Zarkon: I said stay back!

Honerva: To be with you. And to be with my son.

Zarkon: Honerva. Is it truly you?

Honerva: It is.

Zarkon: I never thought I’d see you again.

Honerva: I never doubted. My memory of you and Lotor kept me alive. Tell me, where is my child?

[Scene change to the bridge of a Galra ship headed for Altea.]

Zarkon: I vowed to raise our son as you would have wanted. He excels in his Altean studies. Lotor has his mother’s intellect.

Alfor: Empress Honerva… It is an honor to see you once more. All of Altea will cherish this day.

Allura: Please, come with me. Your son awaits your presence.

Honerva: My son.

Lotor: Mother?

Honerva: Please, my child, come to me.

Lotor: No.

Zarkon: Lotor, it’s okay. It’s your mother. She has returned.

Lotor: She’s not my mother!

Honerva: I may appear changed, but I assure you, my love for you is that of a mother for her child. Come to me.

Lotor: She is not my mother.

Zarkon: Don’t speak like that.

Honerva: Please.

Lotor: No. My mother is dead and you cannot replace her!

Zarkon: Perhaps this is overwhelming for the boy. Please, if we had some time…

Honerva: Time? You speak to me of time? I’ve spent lifetimes trying to get back. Countless worlds have fallen in the wake of my efforts to return to you. And this is how you welcome me? My own child, my own husband question who I am? I have sacrificed more than you will ever know!

Zarkon: What is that?

Honerva: No, it cannot be!

Zarkon: You brought this abomination upon us? You are not the empress. You are not my wife! Guards! Guards!

Honerva: If there is no place in this universe for me, then there will be no universe at all.

End.

[atheistforhumanity]

The things i heard at church this sunday.

Hello Ryan 

I’ve been an atheist for about 14 years now. I’ve read the bible, studied its history and even studied other religions a bit. (All religions are equally wrong after all) In my opinion I was pretty good at discussing religion with theists. Although recently I haven’t been quite as passionate about it as I use to be. 

I attend a religious service from time to time and this past week they talked about something a bit different. They talked about historical evidence, “statistics”, and so called secular data to prove the bible is correct. The things they talked about include…

Secularist historians trying to prove Jesus didn’t exist but found more proof that he did. (Apparently they wrote books)

Archeological and historical evidence that proved events in the bible happened.

Numerous proven miracles and stats that show the improbability of a single one, but Jesus made hundreds happen.

This one was more open ended but….claiming scholars, historians, archeologists, and scientists have had countless failed attempts in providing inaccuracies in the bible.

There were more but they were mostly open ended statements about science that they didn’t understand so they think God must have done it.

(Unfortunately they didn’t provide resources for their information)

Now I know enough to know the guy talking was either making this up or copying another theists work. I’ve dealt with the general statements like “the bible is proven to be historically accurate” but this guy talked for 2 hours about this. I really like how you phrase your answers so I wanted to know. Do you know of these “secularist” authors. What kind of historic bible questions have you received in the past and how did you go about answering them. How can I sort the fact from fiction and are there any specific examples I can use to call them out on their claims.

Sorry this is a long post and I hope what I’m asking makes sense.

(Submitted by 1-am-that-1s)

__________________________________________________________

Hello, 

I am very sorry that I did not get to this sooner. Thank you for writing in and asking these questions, I think it’s important for everyone to hear. 

The great thing about sermons are that they don’t require you to show your sources. Furthermore, a priest gets to address a crowd full of people already convinced he’s an authority. So the question is whether this person is flat out lying or if they are correct? 

Well, that’s a trick question, because it’s neither. The problem with religious figures discussing scientific fields or work is that they know nothing about the process or the standards, and they generally lack critical thinking to begin with. I guarantee you that he is getting this information from websites and magazines of faith that deeply misreport things they hear in scientific communities. They are not receiving their information from academics, and if they do 90% of the time these people have been discredited in their field. 

For instance, if you do a Google search for archeology on the Bible, you’ll find a website like ChristianityToday. If you look at the link I provided, you’ll see an article about the top ten archeological evidence for the Bible. Here’s an example: Semitic Abecedary Found in Egypt. This is referring to a tablet found in Egypt that contained the Jewish alphabet. Christianity Today promotes this as proof of Moses writing everything down. Even though they say the tablet dates back to 1450 BC and Ramses II ruled in the 1200′s BC. Christianity Today got their information from The Times of Israel, which has more serious discussion of the find, but never outright claims it proves anything about Moses. 

This is how misinformation spreads through Christian communities. The faithful only need the slightest reassurance and they rarely will scrutinize such claims. I absolutely guarantee that this preacher is getting his information from some type of religious journal or magazine with no scientific credibility. 

So, is there historical evidence that supports the Bible? What people would call evidence is the fact that in the Bible they name real rulers and kingdoms etc. throughout the stories. They take the fact that we know some of these people existed as evidence that the events must have happened too. That’s not a logical conclusion. Just because King Herod existed does not prove that he sent soldiers to slaughter babies, which there is no evidence at all for. 

When the faithful get into discussions like this, they want you to prove a negative. Prove that there is no evidence. Well, you can’t show a lack of evidence to people who won’t expose themselves to the breadth of credible academics. The only thing you can do is ask them to present their evidence and determine if it is flawed or not. It’s usually not very hard. 

I can tell you this. Out of all the archeology and historical research that has been done over the centuries, no one has ever discovered anything that made the Bible more believable. Everything we know either directly disproves or presents facts that never line up to the story. I wrote a good piece on Jesus that illustrates this point. Basically, my entire post is about the complete lack of evidence for Jesus. Not a single contemporary figure or historian of Jesus’ time wrote about him. All available evidence points to him being fabricated out of thin air by his cult. No one has ever had trouble disputing biblical claims, and they definitely never became confronted with more evidence for the Bible. 

Let me just comment on miracles quickly. There has never, in all of history, been a single proven miracle. There are events which may not yet have solutions, but the lack of an explanation does not equal miracle. This comes from people truly not understanding the scientific method and the concept of proof. To prove a miracle, we would need all available information on the matter and the ability to observe, experiment, etc., be stumped, and THEN find a connection to a higher power. 

Look at it this way. Dark Matter is a catch all phrase for a phenomena that we do not yet understand. However, we don’t even have a handful of information on the matter. To say that dark matter is a proven miracle of God would be completely illogical. There are many things we didn’t understand and now we do. Black holes being one of them. We know a tremendous amount about black holes now, when in the past we weren’t even sure if they existed. 

Let’s look at it this another way. There have been some pretty famous magicians that have attempted to fool the world into believing they had real magical powers. Of course there are a host of psychics out there claiming to have real powers. However, these people always end up being debunked. A famous magician named James Randi is famous for debunking psychics and those pretending to do real magic. Everyone just thinks a miracle until it gets debunked. 

If you want to challenge people like this then go straight for their sources or their lack of critical thinking. They will far apart quickly if you can get answers from them. Although some will avoid giving their sources so they can’t be scrutinized. 

I hope everyone found this post helpful. And remember, if someone is claiming some amazing evidence exists that has never hit the mainstream there is a good reason for it! 

[hatsunepiku2009]

FUCK THE OCEAN SUNFISH

So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I'm posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.]

Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it's not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them.

THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH)

They are the world's largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE.

They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn't put them where they need to fucking go.

So they don't have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn't just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it'll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it's basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons.

"If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators." No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job.

They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it's so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) "Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!" Do not let that expression fool you, they just don't have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck.

They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them.

"Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us." Yes, thank you. "But if they're so bad at literally everything, why haven't they gone extinct." Great question.

BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT'S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that'll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY.

And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it.