#even though it's really easy to guess-
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umm rate the birthday invitation i guess???? my mom really wanted me to draw something, so i just.... did this lol
#censored for obvious reasons#y'all don't get to know my real name or where i live#even though it's really easy to guess-#but yeah#my mom was weirdly insistent that i draw something#i don't really show anyone irl my art so uh#that's probably why#also absolutely HATE how knuckles looks#i never draw him because i struggle with his forehead </3#had to make shadow's inner ears (?) light bc i am NOT telling my family abt my headcanons#oh yeah i don't show anyone my stuff bc so much of it is just straight up shipping#and sonic fanart is just Inherently Cringe to me#i feel like if i showed someone in real life what i draw they would just go “oh..............”#and AUGH that feels awful#bc sometimes something i like is mentioned#so i immediately start talking about it#and i can feel the “how do i get out of this conversation” vibes coming off them#wait how did i get to this#this post is abt my birthday party wtf#yapped so much to myself i had a whole topic change#ummmmm anyways#knuckles the echidna#tails the fox#sonic the hedgehog#shadow the hedgehog#sonic fandom#my birthday#sonic movie 3#i guess??#ravioliart
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finally finished all of one character's entire quests/optional dialogue/questions/etc.... 100,000 words... .... aughhh
#Given some of it IS lines of code and stuff but like.. minus all that it's still probably at least 85 - 95k words hhhhhh#AND I have to do this for another 3 characters. Then a few partial quests for 3 others. THEN the other random misc stuff in the game#(like there are public areas in the city like a park and a forest that you can go and do a few things at. and chat with a few random#townsfolk that aren't actually full characters or anything. And there's a community board where you can#browse some of the random job advertisments or silly things that happen to be posted around#and also pick up a few odd jobs of your own to help earn coin to buy gifts for the npcs. etc. etc.)#Originally I was thinking like 'ah I'll make a short little game just to try it out! :3 It'll take maybe a few months!''#haha........................hee hee........................................hoho#Also evil that it would have been done already if I didn't totally drop itand stop working on it for like 5 years randomly#i could have made 5 years of steady slow progress gradually. instead of like 'one initial idea dump + about a month of art and writing'#...... 5 year break..... 'sudden mad dash to try to get probably 400.000 words written in a year or less' lol#I just really want to be done and have something out there already so it can lead to doing other things in my world..!!!!!! T o T#Like this can be an introduction and then maybe from that I can make other games. or short story anthologies. or other such things#But there needs to be some initially not very complex easy to interact with starting point first I guess... if that makes sense#That's part of why I stopped posting worldbuilding lore dump stuff as often because its' like.. massive walls of novella length#text are much more inacessible to engage with than like.. ooh a game! and there's characters! so its more approachable! and theres#visuals! oo! and the text is broken up in small bits line by line with other things in betwen! oo! etc. etc. lol#Not that THIS is even very accessible. I think dialogue heavy interactive fiction/visual novel type stuff is pretty niche and considered#boring or tedious compared to something with more ''gamplay'' like where you can actually move around in a world#and shoot things or whatever lol. But its an inbetween point. something SLIGHTLY#more accesible for now. Since i just dont have the budget or means or ability to make some skyrim type thing obviously LOL#Though maybe if theres any interest in the visual novel that could lead to making other things too. or at least I hope. I have a VERY cool#idea for a more ''gamey'' type of game that is a super fun concept and etc. but I would need to hire at least 2 people to make it.. ough..#I could do all the writing and probably half of the art. But I think I'd inevitably need a 3d artist and someone who can Code For Real hbjh#the system for ren'py (the thing I'm making a visual novel in) is not that complicated if you stick to just simple dialogue and stuff.#Making a whole moderately sized 3d game with minigames in it and a bunch of quest features and etc. would be out of my simplistic scope#''just learn it yourself!!' ... i barely manage to eat and sleep reliably every day lol... i do not function well enough to spend months#learning that many new skills. I already have a lot of of things I'm good at (not in a braggy way but just factually like.. i already have#a wide variety of different things under my belt).. at some point I have to just be happy with what i CAN already do and focus on that#and admit I need to get outside help sometimes ghjbh... NO more new skills/hobbies!!! ... ANYWAY
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man writing is so silly and fun i cant believe i get to write dust being offered horror paps's human spaghetti while horror is having a grand old time and i DONT have to put in the effort of drawing 😁😁😁😁 this is joy!!
#AND ITS SO EASY TOO BECAUSE I DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING FANCY!!!!#I DONT EVEN WRITE FANCY OR COOL LIKE THE OTHER BETTET WRITERS!!!!#its so easy to pump this out because i can just put myself in the mind of dust or horror and write every little thing they think!!! THATS IT#but man at least i get to make phantom papyrus throw up because oh my GOD#this is for my stupid mtt meets eachother little fic. because i can and i want to#dustttt this is aaaaall your fault smh if only you hadnt pressed that button you wouldnt be here in that situation#im so nervous to get to the killer section but also so excited i wanna make him SO foreboding#dust and horror simply dont fight because of the presence of their papyruses#when they meet killer they IMMEDIATELY fight him. not even a hello is exchanged before he squares up#this whole thing is supposed to explain why and how i think the trio would not only meet but STAY with eachother#i've already got dust's reason down and i know horror's REALLY WELL#(even though you'd expect him to be the hardest to rationalize leaving his AU bc he's got things to do there#but i'll be honest i've got a pretty good reasoning in my eyes for how i think he'd leave his au and stay with dust n killer)#amd then erusghhhh killer's reasoning is..... certainly SOMETHING!! i guess. we ball untik we reach that section#if worse comes to worse i can just liiiike throw canon out of the fucking window and come up with some fanon bullshit#but even though it is DEFINITELY not canon i wanna keep it KINDA canonish#if their personalities aren't canon i can guarantee their dynamic will be. thats all i need to be happy#tricule rant#i love writing. maybe once i get to when dust and horror go to something new i'll post it#and then i can finish killer's after i post it on ao3#this is why i've been quiet all day btw :3 i'm currently horrordust maxxing in this fic#DAY 5 OF THE HORRORDUST STREAK BABY YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH
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catch me doing dishes instead of my homework because I don't have to present my sink to the class.
#possibly maybe will be doing more crunch drawings again?#I have ideas for them all the time. I just don't get around to drawing them#really struggling with the mortifying ordeal of being known lately#like always for my whole life. but it's easy to ignore it when you're not trying to push past it#it's when you try to face a fear that it gets scary#I guess that means I'm doing something right#but holy shit I was literally sitting on the couch with my fucking heart pounding at the thought of sharing my next project with my class#even though it literally doesn't matter!!#but it's ever so slightly personal so I'm dreading it#and because I'm dreading it I'm not working on it#hhhhhhh#afraid to do a bad job so I'm not doing it at all#I can't even explain it#ms paint#crunchworld#mspaint
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Brandy isn’t ‘lazy’ she’s depressed and has been very open about this and how this year has been one of the worst and hardest of her life (her words on Twitter). She’s now working a full time job while dealing with all her mental health issues so of course she doesn’t have much time to dedicate to her music career, like as soon as I get home from work all I wanna do is sleep and not think about doing anything else lol depression can really take out most of your energy and passion to do things you love.
I really don’t think it’s fair to call her lazy and say she’s squandering her opportunities especially because she’s obviously going through a lot right now, but that’s just my opinion 🤷🏽♀️
look i get that, i really really do
if she wasnt posting on socials at all then i definitely wouldnt be so harsh on her but shes literally posting every single day. i know that whats posted doesnt necessarily reflect someones mental state or reality but she literally just needs to post screenshots of her music. thats it. thats literally all she has to do. maybe mention a song once a week, like it's so so simple
i will admit i might be fairly biased though cause i was down bad depressed in highschool/uni and i managed to make it through schooling/my degree. i know it doesnt work like this but, my brain cant help but see it as 'if i could do it then why cant she?' - like its hard, i know that, but just push yourself a little ? (THIS IS PROBS PROBLEMATIC but its my subconscious thoughts. thats my point though, im admitting im probably viewing it in a very subjective way)
i just personally find it very hard to sympathise when her bf has done all the heavy lifting for star baby promo so far and she is out here posting 24/7 but can't even mention her music once. like girllll youre already doing what you have to do (being active), just mention a song - you're already doing 50% of what needs to be done ???? why not just put a song title on a selfie every once in a while like huh ? its literally not hard to do
i know as well as the next person that depression fucks with your motivation and passion but shes still out there being active as ever. idk im probably being too judgemental in thinking that social media promo is easy. but also im not sorry about it, it literally is easy when all you have to do is talk about your own project however you want to with no constraints
also is her job not in social media marketing ? how can she do that and not be capable of her own marketing ? huh ?
also she literally only just got a job - shes had alllllll the time in the world up until now
i get it but at the same time i really really dont
#my depression made me turn to substances though so we probably handle things very differently#for her sake i hope she didnt have to sort that out lmao was not a fun time#like i think you absolutely can push yourself#even while depressed#idk then i would go on wild benders every weekend so i guess pushing myself through depression wasn't really working for me either HAHA#wdym you can feel happy without drugs#sounds fake to me#dw guys I'm all chill now 😎😎😎#these are things of the pastttttt#i wasnt addicted to any one thing thank fuck#i just had very very unhealthy coping habits#and Melbourne being such a huge party city made it extremely easy to hide the fact i was doing far too much far too often#i love not remembering a single weekend of 2019 🤪🤪🤪#thats a joke#i do not in fact love that#ask#me over sharing as per usual#amh
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I have not watched RWBY in years but it is very sad to see it get fucked with the shut down of roosterteeth. I honestly genuinely hope it gets picked up (and rebooted cough) by some people that are passionate about it and won’t treat it as a cash grab
#sincline txt#RWBY#RWBY was actually such a huge part of my childhood#it’s sad to see it not reach its end even if I wasn’t following it anymore#I really do think it has so much potential and that a reboot would really be able to do right by it#but I guess we’ll have to wait and see#if nobody else will… I WILL#lol can u imagine#fr though I would have fun with that#anyways#yada yada I hate how easy it is for big corporations to throw away passion and artistry
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One thing that is difficult about writing historical fiction is when you’ve set your story up in the same time frame as major historical events, which you KNOW would be on your characters’ radar yet they don’t impact the plot. What is too much? What is too little?
#writing#it’s hard like if I just brush over it completely it’s like huh? did you forget this major event that some of these characters would know#and would almost certainly have feelings about#or if you only mention it in passing it’s doing a disservice to the significance of this event#it’s just not part of the story#in the case I’m working with it’s a bit understandable because it’s still very early into the event but#this shit is going to be on their minds and if they themselves never impacted it will likely impact people they know#some of them could kind of ignore it but they are also in proximity to two characters who I’m certain won’t be able to ignore it#but because it’s so early I can maybe get away with mentioning it only in passing#like they don’t know how bad shit will get because it’s only the beginning and they’re naive early 20-somethings#sometimes it’s easy and seemless to incorporate historical events#my other historical story it’s so easy to mix Word War 2 into the protagonist’s childhood because that’s why her brother is the way he is#because of PTSD from a traumatic event that I’ve literally mapped to real life events that happened because it worked the puzzle pieces fit#they don’t always though#and that’s the issue with this story#also these characters are all dealing with a lot of shit so external events might not really be the biggest thing on their minds#like we need to deal with the pressing shitstorm we’ve chosen to jump headfirst into#tag rambles#none of these characters are the type to stand idly by or at least they aren’t by the end of the story#and it’s also like every one of my 5 protagonists will have shit to say even if it’s not something they personally might have to deal with#because part of being in a small group of the only people who know the full story about something is that it creates a bond#like these are literally their ride or die people#I love them so much#all 5 of them are my pookies#and yes I have also been in a situation where it’s like okay I guess these are my people where we all know too much now lol#and there’s definitely a bonding element to that#like no one else will ever get it in a way some other people do#it’s much less dramatic in my case
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Just finished my Europol exam and it was easier than I thought so we vibe
#only one question i guessed on#abt muslim representation in left wing parties#which i knew the answer they just used a term that ik means smth else instead of the one that means that specific kind of representation so#i said false even though the rest was true. so well see how that goes#even though the last exam also turned out to be easy (got a 98) was a bit worried abt this one bc i havent really done any of the readings#since we switched textbooks after the last exam#but we chillin so#only problem now is that i have a half hour to kill before my next class. so im just chilling in the lounge in a nearby building#bc the building i go to next is dogshit and gross
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So busy with Sparkstember that I almost forgot that I go back to school on tuesday
#honestly maybe it's better this way. i'd rather just not care at all rather than be super stressed about it#just like i've been doing with every little thing for most of my life#might have missed the date when we were supposed to choose our elective courses. well whatever Lol#and i still don't even know what my schedule is or what classes i have this semester oopsie#well the university itself doesn't seem particularly pressed about giving us the schedule either#but i'd probably better still read up on the classes at least before they start#i don't have high hopes for this year just like with the last. probably should just stop pretending that i still want to study anything atp#this wasn't even my first choice of a course bcs i had to prepare for that damn exam to be accepted for my preffered one#but i couldn't be bothered to study for it again which probably should have told me enough abt whether going into this again is a good idea#i'm so tired just thinking about it but i know that actually looking for a job and then having a job will be a thousand times worse so uh#but at least i'd have my own money and start doing something ughhhh. useful maybe. who knows what it will be though#i have no ideaaaaaa. but this feels like just putting off the inevitable. like at some point i need to get my shit together#i will probably report at the end of the next week about how i'm so done already#i don't really knowwww mannnnnm. i don't feel like i had any vacation at all even though 3 months have already passed#and i also sort of didn't prepare something relatively easy to do that would have given me an actual document#that would confirm that i actually finished that part-time school thing last semester#can't really be bothered to come back to it at this point though#well at least i learned something actually useful and interesting from that and that's enough for me tbh#and a lot of it is also relevant to my current area of interest (digital drawing and computer graphics in general)#well speaking of which i'd better just get back to drawing now lol. just one more left to finish!!!#in short i guess that my new way of dealing with stress is just ignoring it all#well it's worked in some way at least so it can't be an entirely bad thing lol#goosepost
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and I'm having thoughts again
so I've been watching that John Larroquette interview that I reblogged on repeat for half an hour now and I'm just. man I am so very....... okay I'm trying not to say that I'm stupid anymore but god what else is there to say. it's making me feel like my brain just turns off and all there is is static and [insert very high frequency screaming sound].
like I would love to be able to have actual thoughts about this shit but I am not. I just love love love people who think about shit and face their issues and work on getting better. and talk about it. like it's just a thing that happened. because it is. it's not 'oh you did bad shit in your past so you're fucked forever now'. it's 'bad shit happened, I did bad things, I confronted it, I made different choices' and that's it. I just. man I'm feeling really emotional and am probably gonna have a good long cry about this now.
#one thought that I had when my brain stopped just loudly screaming at me was#oh I totally always think I wouldn't ever end up in a cult. because it's not something that would appeal to me and shit. I'm suspicious of#anything like that. one person claiming to know everything and all that#and it just hit me like. DUDE. you would absolutely 100% end up in a cult if the right guy was leading it#like if he had a cult that I could join right now? oh dude I'd be so in. kinda joking but also like. come on I am so fucking obsessive I#would absolutely fall for that#(and lets not even get into the whole thing of actually getting attention from the person I'd be obsessed with. oh it'd be bad. it'd fuck#me up. I'd be so easy to convince if we're being honest....)#but anyway I just. I don't know#honestly though? I just love studying one person at a time from afar like. hi I would immediately explode if I ever met this man I could not#handle it. but I can absolutely find out everything I can about him and study him like. something that normal people would study idk I'm#insane.#anyway man that was a weird tangent#true tho.#I don't want to make light of actual addictions like alcoholism. I'm not. addicted I guess. but I'm absolutely fucking obsessive about shit#and I absolutely know it cannot be healthy to keep doing this#like dude you have no life because all you do is watch other people live theirs. why am I studying this man's life like it matters. it's not#making anything better. knowing every damn thing he did in the 80s will not make up for the fact that I don't have. anything.#fuck now I'm really crying oh well this really took a weird turn#fuuuuck.#personal
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🙈
#I feel. like I get too worried about putting my stuff in the tags LOL#or just too worried about ants in general#but to be fair I've come from some really infested fandoms#where people got reported for this stuff so hard they were removed from the site#idk if tumblr changed it though. maybe they did. where if someone hit a certain number of reports on their account they got removed#whether they were breaking TOS or not#I think that could have been changed because I don't see it happen anymore#but the more I cared about this tumblr acc the more scared of that I got LOL#it's been super peaceful though???#this could just be because I blocked like half the fandom before posting anything here#but I haven't received any hate mail & haven't had any sort of callout like I was expecting#and I guess mallesil isn't really SUPER controversial#it's leaning off the gray area lately but it is still in the gray area#I just feel like I'm cheating with how easy it is to ''get away'' with having HEY I LIKE INCEST front and center on my pinned and all#when I've seen someone get reported off the map for making one singular post saying they don't mind people who ship child characters#and I've just gotten away with posting sooo many mallesil posts in the main tags lately I'm like huh??? Did I ever actually need to worry?#it's kind of embarrassing I guess having several things in my Posts That Do Not Go Into The Main Tags#that I'm just now realizing were probably totally fine to put out there lol#like damn maybe I can just talk about lilia kissing silver with tongue and get away with it????#anyway#while I am on the subject of things I am embarrassed about for no reason#I feel especially bad lately for not posting like ANYTHING about sebek or lilia most of the time lol#I made a point to draw all the twst characters at least once a while ago but I don't think I've actually drawn sebek more than that?#sorry sebek I love you sebek :(#sebesil is such a good ship and I just have absolutely zero passion for it I DON'T KNOW!!! It just isn't there for me!!!#I like it a lot I love all the ship art for it I like seeing it pop up in fics#but if you leave me to my own devices I'm. not going to think about them even a little probably lol...#I do think about mallesebe sometimes though. I wrote about them once for the request. they're so fun they're so awful#and yet. most of the thoughts I have for mallesebe I'm just like hrmmmm this could be mallesil instead#sorry again sebek I love you sebek 😭
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was supposed to write the advent calendar fics, ended up writing an extra scene for let me down slowly. woops. anyway! I hope you like it, it's Olli's POV, titled let go of my tears and you can read it on AO3 🖤
#blind channel rpf#blind channel fanfiction#just fyi it doesn't really add much to the original story#so it's not necessarily the addition to this AU i was originally thinking of writing at some point but here it is anyway 💖#i just needed to write this because ummmmm. because i was feeling a particular way 😳💦#so yeah this was definitely inspired by something sort of unrelated to the fic. won't tell you what though 😌#...she says as if she wouldn't immediately spill the deets if anyone asked lol#(should be an easy guess for @gloryforthegreedy at least if you think back to our latest dm convo 🙈)#in fact i wanted to write a different kind of fic inspired by *that* but my brain said nope so i wrote this instead!#just like my previous olli/allu piece this one too is kinda sad kinda hot#if you're in the mood to read about olli and aleksi jerking off: grab yourself a cuppa and a blanket and make yourself at home 💕#if not: i wish you a pleasant evening ✨#i myself am at a point where i just want to read these two cuties do aaaaaall the stuff 🙊#(can you see me begging for filthy asks to enable me 😩)#(i blame giulia's latest olli/allu. which y'all should read immediately btw)
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Just kinda... putting this out into the universe for right now, but I've been thinking really hard about getting my old enamel pin collections back in circulation, as well as maybe releasing them as stickers as well (for a budget option and also for things you can't put enamel pins on). I had to throw out basically all my remaining stock when I moved (which... oouugh it still hurts), so I might essentially run a "reboot" kickstarter to get another batch of Dire Hounds made and then try again to get the full Grimalkins set funded. A few things this would let me do:
update the templates for slightly cleaner manufacturing, and update the backer cards with accurate artist info because man that was really bothering me
like I said, hopefully get the second half of the Grimalkins produced so they're a proper six-pin collection like the first one
network! Now that I'm in a big city I think I honestly might have better luck with consignment stores and craft fairs than I ever did with only an online shop, and more visibility can only mean good things.
I'm also still definitely planning to make idog merch, and beyond that I'd potentially love to lean even further into the cyberpunk and y2k aesthetics to really hone my Brand™, but obviously that requires original thought and creative effort while getting the dogs and cats remade just requires pulling the old AI files off my poor aging iMac.
#if possible I'd love to find a (more) local manufacturer instead of the one in the UK I was using before#unfortunately that means they'll cost a bit more up front since they won't have the molds already#which I guess would have possibly been a non-issue anyway if I was gonna tweak the art#but also the lower shipping costs without going through customs.....#anyway just thinking..... on a conceptual level I really miss ~designing merch~ even though I never really excelled at it lmao#a lot of you probably have no fucking clue what I'm talking about because the pins were before your time :/#just take my word for it they were all really really cool and you want them#I wish I made the kind of art that people want on their walls lmao prints seem like easy money for a lot of people#but it just doesn't mesh with what I make. All I can offer to The People is Little Guys For Your Bag Or Jacket
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grey really fucked me up beyond belief i am SO insecure about relationships at this point
#i already had a disordered attachment style#like it was already there#he just made it worse somehow#like reinforced my fear of abandonment/vulnerability/relationships as a whole#like wow i really have been avoiding meaningful human connection all this time#and its obvious that my like#self confidence or whatever is mostly a front#i kind of only really know how to do either extreme#either intense self loathing or annoying arrogance#with grey it was always the former. maybe im compensating for all that time i spent hating myself#i mean i guess it kind of works#like genuinely being annoyingly self confident actually does kind of make you like yourself more#so thats something right#i dont know though i don't know if i even have the capacity to commit to other people#i'm scared is the thing. i gave every piece of me away before and got left with practically breadcrumbs of the person i used to be#i miss how carefree and easy it was for me to give my love away#my fear is that i will be so caught up in protecting myself that i can't give back to someone who loves me#i want to be loved and i want to be able to love but it feels like the part of me that knew how to love is long gone#loving someone used to feel good. now it just feels like a million blades in my chassis
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with shadow out of the lineup for the twitter takeovers for now that means they cant say any offensively out of character stuff about him anymore which is a win but what if with him gone they direct that energy elsewhere. what if they start saying offensively out of character stuff about amy or knuckles or sonic. horrifying
#or tails or eggman but i feel like theyre not as easy to mess up as those other three#well i guess it doesnt really matter that much because i highly doubt the twitter takeovers are meant to be canon#(especially not the parts that mention real life people or shows or specific sonic media by name)#but that doesnt change the fact that the twitter takeovers DO affect the way people view the characters#and if they say something unfunny or out of character people are going to spread that as canon information forever and ever#also im gonna say it. its about time they stopped having shadow on for twitter takeovers to promote games hes not even in#his spot on the frontiers one should have been given to sage#though i guess with the frontiers one happening soon after the games release having her on could have potentially spoiled some stuff
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oh I should nottttttt have worn my binder to work today
#in my defense. my only clean work shirt is the one that actually fits me correctly (which in my mind means its too small)#and i was having a minor. crisis abt being able to see my chest this morning. so at the time it was a good idea#but now i am. lifting things and climbing stairs and moving around ant#oaaugh. okay. bad idea. uhm. i am maybe going to take it easy today#im not even.2 hours into my shift im gonna cry. ive been sitting in the frog room for like a hafl hour trying to catch my breath. hhhhhh#okay !!!!! mistakes were made i will admit it !!!!!!!!!#ill just. refill my water a bunch today. stayin. hydrated i guess.#goddddd i sat down though and now i reallt really REALLY dont want to get back up. ah fuck.
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