#even though the last exam also turned out to be easy (got a 98) was a bit worried abt this one bc i havent really done any of the readings

[broke-on-books]

Just finished my Europol exam and it was easier than I thought so we vibe

[inkofamethyst]

November 15, 2020

Alright so I know I’ve given a lot of grief toward my chem lab assignments (though that midterm absolutely deserves the grief I’ve given it), but honestly???  This semester has probably been the only stress-free minimal-stress semester I’ve had with chem labs.  Not only do labs tend to take up a ton of time (three hours??  To make plastic??), but they also typically require a ton of prep and also going to office hours is usually never this easy.  Nowadays I set an alarm and pop into one of the TA office hours and I’m set to go.  I don’t even have to spend time making my lab pages look all pretty and neat.  I just decide “hey I’m going to watch the pre-lab on Thursday, go to office hours on Friday and Saturday, and do the worksheet and post lab questions Sunday evening then turn it in.”  All in a weekend.  Takes half the time of what I’d normally spend on a lab class.  Honestly?  All of my classes (except, perhaps, my YA Lit class which I’d assume would be the same) take up a ton less time this semester because all of my exams are open-note.  I can tell you for a fact that I wouldn’t have a 98% in my anth class if I had to memorize all the stuff we learn (really, the exams are just facts from lecture, literally no application involved).  I also have to time and energy to attend the guided study sessions twice a week for my orgo class which is a huge help for keeping me on track.

I know that was kind of rambly but basically I’m saying that being online does have the benefit of making my orgo lab bearable.  Also!!  We get pre-labs directly from the lab coordinator instead of from some rando TA who might not know as much as the guy with the PhD.  My bio labs also seem to be written directly by the lab coordinator too which is grand because it’s coherent and useful!  You know, I might actually be interested in becoming a bio TA during one of my “lighter” semesters.  Hopefully my classes keep up this lightness while being online next semester.

The one thing I will say that I’m still disappointed about is that the post-lab questions for chemistry classes are nearly impossible to complete on your own.  Like, as undergraduate students, we’re already experiencing a ton of chemistry at once, and our brains are very slowly putting these bits of knowledge into our long-term memories (I can assure you that I will not remember how to form an enolate in six months, and I’ll be unlikely to even be able to tell you what an enolate is at that point, for example), so tons of things just slip through the cracks.  For example, I was totally not thinking about bond angles when completing this week’s series of post-lab questions, and yet that was the key to getting all three of the points for this question.  We haven’t once discussed bond angles in orgo 2.  I know that learning is supposed to build and stuff, but I just think stuff like that is a bit unfair when our brain’s chemistry library just isn’t nearly a full as perhaps our professors expect them to be.

Anyway, I finished my chem lab report in record time today and maybe it’s because I wasn’t starting it at 1 am or something idk but I’ve turned it in and wow this is lovely and freeing (though I do have an anth lecture, an anth quiz, an anth exam, a bio lecture, and a chem lecture to get through tonight still lol).  I’ve only got two more assignments left for chem lab woo!!  Semester is coming to a close!!

Ughghghghgh okay so I bought two yards of the brown fabric I was talking about last night (and shipping was only $4.50!!) but now I’m torn as to whether I should buy this other fabric like ????  Again, it’s only $2/yard and there are currently 3 yards available and it’s this gorgeous forest green natural-geometric sort of print but I don’t know whether I want it??  Do I need it?  No!  But I could maybe make a button-up shirt out of it?  Maybe??  It’s so PRETTY but I can’t think of a project for it at the moment and I don’t think I want to buy more than two yards but like I could also possibly make a dress from it with three yards but it also doesn’t match the vintage-y aesthetic but it would sort of look pretty cool with an academia aesthetic but spending more money on things is just really not super appealing unless I start regularly selling more stuff on Depop again and also there aren’t any rules when it comes to building a personal aesthetic because I’m the one building it and I just.  hhhhhhhhh I need to get back on that Depop grind and make some CASH.  

I’m leaning toward buying it BUT IDK FAM GETTING THINGS FEELS GOOD AND MAKING THINGS FEELS GOOD AND WEARING THOSE THINGS WOULD PROBABY FEEL GOOD (idk I haven’t actually worn anything I’ve made except masks and most of those feel sub-par BUT my skirt is almost done and you best believe Imma wear that to its grave) BUT SPENDING MONEY FEELS TERRIBLE AND I’M ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH THE MONTH AND CHRISTMAS IS COMING UP AGH.  I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH I’D WANT TO GET BRO :(

Today I’m thankful that, uh, I know how to sew?  And that I’ve built up quite a bit of knowledge over the past few months about historical and modern garment-making techniques and now I’m working on getting the materials to like, make literally whatever I want.  I’ve only made one other garment completely from scratch and it was a dumpster-fire (but my past self did her best with what she had to work with!!!!  She was just inexperienced and a tad bit ambitious!!) and I’ve actually decided that I’m going to take it apart and use it for scraps (it’s a galaxy printed cotton which doesn’t really fit into my desired aesthetic, but I can certainly make some masks out of it).  I’m also seriously considering buying branding labels that I can sew into the things I make!  It’s so freeing to have this ability to fashion my own things and to craft what I actually want to wear.  I still have a lot to learn but I’m thankful that I have parents who’ve done a lot of the monetary heavy-lifting (buying the sewing machine and the dress form).  I’ve never thought of myself as a designer or anything, but these past few weekends have been a ton of fun and I want to continue doing stuff like this!

I may be back tonight with an addition to this post if I buy the green fabric,,,,,,,, but idk I think I’ll need to have a project in mind before I decide on it.  Trust me, after I finish the stuff I need to get done, I will be looking hard for a potential project before I make my decision.

[prorevenge]

Dont mess with the guy you're cheating off of

(Not sure if this is pro-revenge or petty, but I feel like its Pro)

Here`s a story of why you don’t piss off the smart kid. I went to a Catholic High School, and as such we were required to take a Religion class each year. So freshman year, the class was History of the Church, not exactly an easy subject, but easy enough if you just study a little.

Now there were about 30 kids in my class, and it was assigned seating, so I was placed in the back of the room. I didn’t mind, i did my homework and passed the tests, so i could just chill in the back of the room for the whole class. So come time for the next test, I had studied, so i was breezing through it. (The test format was half T/F and half multiple choice) So even if you didn’t know anything you still had a chance of passing. The teacher is patrolling the room to look for cheaters, when he goes by my row and gets out of earshot, I hear a little call to get my attention. Its the guy next to me, he needs help. Sure okay, Im a nice guy and Ive been known to cheat in the past. So I slide my answer sheet to the side of my desk since I had finished by that time. (There was the question paper and a scantron for the answers, but we were allowed to right on the question paper as well) So i turn my paper over, and slide the Scantron to where he would be able to see it and make it not obvious I was cheating. Come the end of the class and he thanks me. No big deal.

Flash forward a few weeks to the next test.

Same deal, I finish quick and then he asks for help and I comply. I didn’t really like the guy, but I didnt hate him either. Whatever. We both pass and that’s that. However what I didnt know at the time, was that after the second test he was bragging that he was cheating off of me during the test to other guys in the class. So then they asked him to share his/my answers after I had given them. The third test comes and goes and at this point I still think im only helping one person.

So come the fourth test and hes feeling a little bold. He asks me to leave my name off of the question sheet and just mark the right answers. And after the teacher passes by we’ll swap the papers since I already have my answers recorded. I’m not thrilled at this, but whatever, its just one person. Except it wasn’t. It was 7 people this time. Fine whatever. If they had asked me beforehand I probably would’ve helped them anyway. But they took advantage of my kindness. And so I let it slide during test #5 but my annoyance was still there. The chain had clearly grown from 7 people to 15 people. I didn’t particularly care if I was helping them pass a class, but then one day, one of the a**hole kids in that chain of people in my class thought they could mess with me and get away with it clean. And that was the last straw. I asked my friend in the class to be careful on the next test. He knew me well, and he knew what was going on. He was well aware of how mischievous I really am. So I told him to tell the 4 people in my class that I liked to actually study for the next test. And it was a big one. It was a double chapter test.

So I studied my ass off, and went into the test like everything was just normal. And after some light probing, I found that nobody else except for me and my 5 had studied for this and the ENTIRE CLASS was going to be relying solely on me to let them pass this big test.

Score!

So I put on my happy face and told them not to worry, it was business as usual. And so I finished my test, filled out my scantron and flipped it over. And then I handed it off, with every single answer marked wrong. Except for the very last one. I also told him to have him fill out his paper and switch it as well to spread it through the chain faster.

Checkmate.

A few days passed and it was time to get our tests back. My teacher comes in holding 6 papers in one hand, and the rest in the other hand. He then called up me and my 5 friends up, gave us our tests and gave us a pass to go to the library for the rest of class. As I picked up my things I said one thing that went unnoticed by the teacher.

“Thanks Joe for this …” (not the a**hole kids actual name)

Turns out the teacher chewed them all out for cheating and they tried to pin it on me, but I had passed the exam. Furthermore had the foresight to make sure they changed one or two answers on previous tests so it wouldn’t be exactly the same answers. I did this,so that if our answers were compared, they wouldn’t be identical like cheaters would. So when the teacher looked back at my tests to see if the class,was right, they got into more trouble for trying to frame me.

All in all they got a week of detention, and the lost the opportunity for a retake on the test that I got a 98 on. Their overall class average dropped about 10 points and mine actually raised 2 points. They really screwed themselves over with this.

They tried to gang up on me after school, but I was untouchable. I was always within sight of a teacher, and all of the teachers absolutely loved me. I was a perfect angel (even though i was chaos incarnate in that school). And even if i wasn’t within sight of a teacher, i also had the combinations to their lockers, as well as other things. If they did anything to me, they didn’t know what might happen to their stuff.

So they didn’t attack me, but the class remembered what I had said, and then they ganged up on the a**hole that led to the chain reaction. Wasn’t my problem anymore.

(Side note: the school wont allow any locker changes or lock switches, so they were trapped)

(submit your pro revenge story) (story by anime-andsomeotherstuff)

[sparkleeemarkleee]

Take Me Home Prologue

Prologue: So Am I

Ok so I didn’t really intend for readers to listen to the playlist while reading the story, but you can definitely do it if you’d like to! I was simply using these songs as prompts. Enjoy lovelies!!!

P.S. Idk how to make page breaks so um I’m just gonna use lines for now lol

Also this story will be written under y/n’s POV :)

💙 Song prompt: So Am I by Ava Max ft. NCT 127 💙

Masterlist

Playlist

Introduction to Main Characters

Prologue

Dozens of little kindergartener boys and girls waddled down the hills shrieking and giggling. As per usual, I watched the entire scene unfold. By the time the sun’s intensity felt like the glowing eyes of a phoenix their parents would stroll into school grounds.

It seemed customary for the kids in your class, division 21, to have play dates right after school. I never really understood why they enjoyed it so much or why they would rather be away playing in dirt, sand, and rocks when they could’ve just stayed home with their parents. I watched closely as a pretty aunt with short black hair call her nephews: Jaemin and Jeno. Pretty Auntie had her arms out to embrace them and the boys moved towards her—without taking a breath, Jaemin ducks under her arms with Jeno and they skittishly move across the field back into the big blue slide that they fondly hid inside. Another girl named Lami, who always wore sparkly tiaras, was currently savouring a sundae with her dad. As if she was sparkling, her dad’s eyes seemed to dissolve under her loving gaze. He couldn’t take his eyes off her. I wondered what it would be like to twinkle like that.

I could only gawk from afar. It got hard sometimes because everything here was family oriented; the parents of all the kids in your class knew each other; before kindergarten even began, everyone made friends and clustered into their own group. Leaving you to sit on the sidelines, if it weren’t for your only two friends.

“Y/N, do you want us to drive you home today?” Dana, the second friend you’ve ever made, asked with mud all of her white dress. Her mom smiles at you as she hastily wipes the brown splatters off her daughter.

“No, it’s okay. I’ll just wait for my family,” I said sheepishly. You watched them as they exited through the green gates of your school. I watched them all one by one slowly making their way back home as you sat on the swings patiently letting time roll by.

It began to get cold and your bare legs from under your dress started to prickle under the coolness of the air.

“Y/N,” He huffed. I spun around quickly to see a black haired first grader in a grey hoodie giving you his hand.

I didn’t know it yet back then, but here was my hero—my first friend and first love.

“What took you so long, Mark?” My voice sounded screechy from holding back the tears.

“I’m sorry, but something confusing happened with Hyuck earlier so I had to deal with that and your sister—”

“I know. She had her dance recital today. How’d she do?” I said as I brushed off the tears and any trace of sadness in my voice.

“I dunno. I haven’t talked to her about it because of Hyuck.”

“What happened to Hyuck?” I wondered aloud.

***

“Mom! I didn’t mean to!” He screamed as Mama chased him with a broom in her hand. Instead of watching Tom and Jerry, Sara, Mark, and I comfortably sat on the leather couch and were genuinely amused at Hyuck’s fiasco.

“Answer me again,” she said sternly. “What were you doing hiding in Cecil’s garden?”

“I was admiring her petunias,” Hyuck said with a cheeky smile followed with more chasing until he gave in to Mama’s threats. Sara stifled a laugh, but you and Mark couldn’t help but explode at the hilarity of the entire situation.

“I’m sorry, mom! I was just waiting for his son Rio to come.”

“Why were you missing for 5 hours then? You could have at least called me if you wanted to meet with your friend,” Mama huffed out exasperated. Her busy hands and legs could finally sink into her comforting rocking chair.

Mama might have been sold on the story but you didn’t buy it—neither did Sara or Mark. Being Mama’s eyes and ears, the two acted like parents and were very aware of the many abilities and tricks Hyuck could have up his sleeve. You on the other hand grew up with your younger cousin’s devilish antics that you knew better than to trust his impish smile. One time in preschool, he tricked you into walking into the boy’s washroom and accidentally ran into Mark and his best friend (that you at the time thought was dreamy).

Mama abruptly stands up before her heavy eyes could shut and blurts, “Ms. Kim next door has been patiently waiting for me! I’ll be gone for about 10 minutes, but when I come back make sure to be ready,” she rambles while grabbing a thin jacket out the door.

Once Mama scurried away, you three swarmed around Hyuck practically bursting with excitement to prod at what real business he had to do at Cecil’s.

“So I was kinda dared to steal a petunia from her garden,” he starts off, already making Mark annoyed and Sara to roll her eyes. Sara had an important dance  and couldn’t afford any additional stresses that specific day; Mark on the other hand carried most of the responsibility for Donghyuck and I because of Sara’s recital and nearly jumped Donghyuck at his explanation.

“I didn’t do it though!” he defensively continues, “because I know Mama would kill me, but I made a new friend...and she’s really pretty,” he then breaks off into fits of giggles. You share a look with Sara and burst out laughing. Meanwhile, Mark swats him for causing so much trouble. 

After Mom forgave Hyuck, she brought us out to our favourite diner. Like always, Sara would get herself a grilled cheese sandwich with a milkshake, Mark and I got burgers and split a sundae, Hyuck got fried chicken and lemonade, and Mama would get herself a salad.

Life was simpler back then. Whenever we had a problem, a simple sorry would suffice, we would go out to celebrate, and the atmosphere was always blissful and filled with laughter. It always washed away any pain you felt from school or anything really.

“Y/N, stop taking all my chocolate ice cream,” Mark whines as he tries to scoop off the ice cream on my spoon.

“This is for leaving me alone at the school until 9:30!” You say sticking out your tongue.

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” he said while ruffling your hair and earning a dirty look from my five year old self. “How about...I treat you out to ice cream to make up for it?”

I could never really stay mad at Mark. I pouted a little to pretend that I was thinking about it and finally decided: “Only on one condition.”

*****************************************************************************************************

“The signature chocolate ice cream with green tea cheese cake, only for you, madame,” Mark jokes as he brings out my favourite ice cream.

“With oreo drizzle?” I perked up from the pages of my exam studying. The wave of anxiety from finals cramming just started to hit me now. “You know that I refuse to eat any ice cream without it.”

“Oh, c’mon, Y/N. You’ve been begging for this combination since you were five. Just because I’m older now doesn’t mean I lost my memory,” Mark laughed as he passed me a spoon and slid the bowl of ice cream on my desk. He sat himself down on a stool beside my chair and leaned forward into our conversation.

“Mark, I’m kind of stressing out because I need to do really well on these exams,” you ranted while digging into your ice cream. “Last term, Sara nearly got 98% as her academic average and I only had around 92%. My parents are going to kill me!”

Your parents worked abroad so the only way they really knew you and your sister were through report cards and occasionally video chats. You barely spoke to them, but the only thing they ever told you was to try harder. Even after spending countless hours applying for internships, working on your part-time jobs, and studying to build up your resume, work harder was always their feedback. It wasn’t easy; you were always being compared to the undefeated competition of all time: Sara.

Despite having similar aspirations and work habits it all seemed to come to her naturally. If you spent 6 hours self-studying, Sara could manage with just 2 hours. Every single time, she seemed to effortlessly have new talents appear like magic tricks and she always had one up her sleeve. How could you ever compare?

You hated crying, but you couldn’t help the tears that began to slip from your eyes. 

“Hey, hey, don’t be like that,” Mark said softly. You try to turn your face away from the embarrassment of having him witness everything. He gently brushed his thumbs over your eyes to wipe your tears.

You never fully told Mark about how you felt about your own sister, but thank God he understood. You never had to tell him; he always knew. He wrapped an arm around your back and his other arm carefully bringing your head to rest on his shoulder. You shut your eyes and let your troubled mind just unwind.

[wendyswriting]

Audiology Appointment

I went into some detail in my last entry about it, but not too much. So...

In 2006-2007, I started getting really dizzy and experiencing tinnitus during the day, and had crazy vertigo at night when I was trying to sleep. I went to the doctor who referred me to an ENT. The ENT looked in my ears, talked to me, and diagnosed me with Meniere’s Disease, a disorder of the inner ear. He said the final thing he needed was a hearing test during a vertigo attack, but at the time, the attacks were only at night when no machine or tech was available. He sent me on my merry way.

I went home and researched Meniere’s and while most of it rang true with me, I didn’t feel like I had hearing loss. But he said it was coming, and that scared the living shit out of me, because hands down, I would rather be blind than deaf. Music has such a huge impact on my soul; the thought of losing that was horrifying.

So eventually the vertigo at night pretty well fades away, but the dizzy spells randomly throughout the day continued, plus started peppering in some daytime vertiginous spells. But I dealt with it, just as I dealt with the migraines or tension headaches almost daily, which I have lived with since I was about 7), the fatigue and body aches all the time, joint pain, and all the other shit I live with. It became my normal. I was used to it, though I didn’t like it, nobody could find anything wrong with my lab tests, so clearly I was fine. *eye roll*

Fast forward about 10 years and my PCP (an Internist and the only one who paid enough attention to my symptoms as opposed to my test results, which were always either fine or borderline, and who has since left practicing in his clinic) told me that he suspected I have Secondary Hypothyroidism, and that he wanted me to see an Endocrinologist.

So I went home and I do what I do - I studied it. It was NOT easy to find information on, let me tell you! But what I could find is that a common diagnostic tool for this condition is a brain MRI. I wondered if having one done ahead of time would be a prudent idea, and I don’t remember if I brought it up and he said to see what they wanted to do, or if I just thought about it a lot. I hate that I can’t remember. Not that it matters.

Well, I never did see an Endocrinologist. Life got in the way and I lived with it. It was in the back of my mind, and occasionally I would make steps toward doing so (usually from a push from Kelly), but I never was able to go.

In the mean time, in July of 2016, my dizzy spells and vertigo took a sudden sharp increase. They went from maybe once or twice every day, but for about 5 seconds each, to every few seconds, lasting a few minutes each. I am quite stubborn and it caught my attention but I held off on seeing a doc. I needed to drink more water, I figured, so I did. And it still happened. Well, I must be eating too much salt. That’s it. It’s just the Meniere’s flaring up. Cut the salt and it still happened. Fuck.

But it wasn’t until it happened while I was driving (first time) that I freaked out. It happened twice in as many days and I got really scared. Becca made me promise to see Bee (my new PCP) about it. I did, begrudgingly. She asked me about the Meniere’s and what the ENT put me on for it. I looked at her blankly. “Nothing.” She was appalled. I told her I had no idea there WAS anything I could take for it. Shit, I would have asked about it!

She put me on Meclazine (my THIRD antihistamine daily) and wrote me a referral to see an audiologist. The thing is that the Meclazine pretty much brought me back to baseline for me, so I didn’t know if a trip to the audiologist would even be beneficial. I called their office to discuss it and they said if I was asymptomatic, there wasn’t much point in it, and to call back if I felt worse.

I told Bee and she said fine, for now, but get in to see them anyway when you can. Life happened and the next time I was able was in January. Bee made it clear I had to see them before she would do another refill on the Meclazine, which was making me feel somewhat functional. This scare tactic worked. In I went (amazingly, I was able to get in within 3 weeks, which - for a specialist - is shockingly quick).

We chatted about my symptoms and the audiologist did several hearing and ear-pressure tests. After that portion of the appointment, she said that while it isn’t her place to make or disprove the diagnosis, she truly doesn’t feel that I have Meniere’s. 

She also said (to my great relief) that my hearing was really good (averaging 98%!). 

Then she took me to a darkened room with an adjustable exam table. She had me sit on the table with my legs hanging over, looking at this long, thin LED light bar affixed to a stand. Kind of like this set-up, except I was on the exam table. 

So she put these Virtual reality-looking goggles on my head that have cameras that watch my eyeball movement. I did secretly wonder what my eyes had to do with an audiology appointment, but it turns out there is a fascinating neurological link between the two, in addition to their close physical proximity. 

The goggle cameras watched my eyes while she had me do several tests, all of which required me to hold my head and neck still and use only my eyes (or, for the last four tests, don’t do anything but lay still). First I sat up on the exam table and watched the light bar as a single light scrolled back and forth. It was a red dot and I thought about my cats LOL Then the light jumped around. The bar was then moved vertically and the tests were repeated.

Then back to horizontal. For the next test, it had multiple dots evenly spaced and scrolling from one side to the other rapidly and I had to try to count them. The number didn’t matter, she said, just my eye movement doing so. Then I was to choose a dot at where it originated and follow it until it disappeared. 

Then she closed the lid on the goggles and had me look straight ahead for 10 seconds, then all the way to the right (I could feel the nystagmus when I did so), then back ahead, then all the way to the left (again, I could feel the nystagmus). She moved my head into several different positions, each time repeating this sequence, then moved my body into several different positions, again repeating the sequence with each. She adjusted the neck part of the table upward and repeated the testing.

Then came the weird part.

I heard an air compressor come on. She explained she would be sticking a tube into each ear, respectively, with cold then warm air. So right cold, left cold, right warm, left warm. Each exposure to the forced air would last 60 seconds and it would induce vertigo. She said the symptoms would resolve in a few seconds. I had to keep my eyes open the whole time (save natural blinking), and in between each test we would play a simple alphabet game to distract me from my vertigo.

In went the tube. The cold air felt so weird! And about 10 seconds in it hit me. I grabbed onto the table to keep from falling off the earth. I could definitely feel the nystagmus. Holy shit. She asked me for girls’ names starting with A, then B, then C, etc. I struggled a bit to concentrate but made it through. We got to M and a tiny light in the goggles turned on for me to look at and focus on to help stop the nystagmus. It was hard to focus on it at first, but it did help. I didn’t have any access to a clock, but it felt like it was about 2-3 minutes before we moved on. My vertigo stopped just in time...

On to the left side for cold air. And same thing, about 10 seconds in, BOOM! Oh shit! Clutching the table. The timer and air go off and she asks me for boys’ names starting with A, B, C... etc. I was more disoriented this time and struggled some, but made it through. This time took me longer to recover. Maybe 3-5 minutes?

Next came warm air in my right side. She said it would invoke the same reaction. The air starts and all 60 seconds go by... without vertigo. I didn’t know if this was a good or a bad thing. The timer went off, she pulled the tube out, and BOOM!!! Oh shit... this was worse than the other two combined! I thought I might throw up. She asked for city names starting with A, B, C... I struggled HARD with this one. I was so disoriented! I got to F and said “France... wait... that’s a country... shit... F... Franklinville. There’s probably a Franklinville somewhere... yeah...” and for G “Georgia. Wait, that’s a country too... and a state... G... I don’t know. I just don’t know.” This one was definitely longer to recover. Well over 5 minutes. I wasn’t completely recovered from it when it was time for the last one.

Thank god it was the last one. Jesus.

Warm air, left ear, and I had no idea if it would act like the cold and be 10 seconds in and zoom, or nothing until pull out and then holyshitzoom, or what. With 10 seconds to spare, my life got flipped turned upside down... I wildly grabbed for the wall with one hand and clutched the table with the other in a desperate attempt to stabilize myself. This time she had me count up by threes. “Oh dang it, why does it have to be math? I’m... crappy... at m... math...” I managed to slur. I could barely control my brain, and it was frightening. I heard the words coming out of my mouth and knew some numbers were wrong. It was as if there was a disconnect between my mouth and anything else. I repeated a few numbers. She finally had me stop. Thank god. The light came on in the goggles and I could barely focus on it. It almost made me feel worse to see it bouncing around so. It wasn’t, of course, my eyeballs were, but hey.

I felt my limbs go cold and my mouth started watering. My eyes teared up. I was going to vomit. I took a slow breath in to compose myself and quietly asked “If I have to vomit, where do I do so, please?” I could hear in her voice she was startled as she said, “Oh no! They just moved us into this room today and haven’t moved in a trash can or any bins! Eek! Try and hold it and I’ll see if I can find anything! Keep breathing deep like you have been!”

SOMEHOW I managed to not throw up. I’m amazed. But this is why they have you go NPO! My recovery time for the fourth one was substantially longer than the others. It was a much stronger reaction, too. I apologized for taking so long to recover and she told me it was perfectly fine, to take my time, and that she didn’t have anyone else scheduled that day. Again, estimating time, I probably lay there for a good 15-20 mins before feeling like I could turn on my side toward her. I took a chance opening my eyes and it was ok. 

She rolled back a little on her chair to come into my field of vision and discussed the findings with me.

“The good news is that your hearing is great and your ears are doing really well. Your right side is really close to being considered having a weakness, but it’s right on the border.” “Story of my life, doc. It doesn’t matter how bad I feel, I will test either within normal ranges or borderline. Ugh.” I said. “Well, your left ear is over-performing by about that same amount, so that tells us you may have some equilibrium issues since the ears are sending feedback to the brain at different rates, which can throw everything off.” Then she explained the nystagmus. “When I had you look all the way to the right or left, your eyes did something we call beating, a type of nystagmus.” She went on to explain that it was an abnormal reaction, indicating that the issue isn’t in my ears, but... my brain. She hesitated slightly as she said it. 

“I know it’s scary to hear!” she said apologetically. “Eh. Everything is controlled in the brain in one way or another, right? Besides, I’ve thought there was something askew up there for a while now.” I replied, keeping cool for her benefit. “That’s a good way to look at it!” she said; I could hear relief in her voice. “So we refer to it as a central processing issue. Basically, up in the brain. You need to get to a neurologist. I wish I knew more about it to tell you, but you do need to get referred to a neurologist. What’s interesting about this is that the patients who have this also tend to have a history of migraines.”

I’ve had those since I was 7. Huh.

She showed me a video of my eyes during the testing. Cool! I asked her for a copy of that video emailed to me. She said she will do so. She also said that it’ll take her a week or so to complete her report and send it to my PCP, but when it comes through, to see a neurologist. We talked about available neuro docs in the area.

By this time, my head was pounding (it started hurting at the first air test and progressed) and I took some Tylenol. I probably stayed in there with her for another 5-10 minutes chatting before she asked if I was OK to try standing. I said I was, and we carefully stood me up from the exam table. She walked me to the front door and I thanked her again and headed out. 

When I got to the parking lot and sat in my car, I allowed the shock to hit me.

“I have a problem in my fucking BRAIN....” I mused aloud, astonished. A million questions flooded my consciousness immediately, and I refused to allow myself to acknowledge or answer a single one of them. First things first... call Chris. 

He was asleep and I woke him. I chose not to tell him everything now; he would have bad dreams while I was on the road. I’d wait. Instead I asked him what to bring home for dinner. I then went shopping and got lunch and dinner and headed home. 

After eating, I allowed myself to think a little bit about what happened. It was time for copious amounts of research when I got home.

I got home and sunk onto the couch. Chris and I then talked about all that happened as he prepared dinner. I could tell he was startled but being cautious about letting himself react. 

Then he made a joke about it really actually being all in my head and we laughed. I love that he knows how to make me laugh when I need it the most. I have a feeling I’m going to need that in the coming days going through all of this.

[2018weekinreview]

January - April 2018

The Reckoning:

The end of 2017 marked the beginnings of a massive cultural and political revolution with women speaking out about sexual harassment in the workplace. In December, everything seemed to come to a head when Donald Trump (a man with his own litany of accusers) went all in on his support of Alabama Congressional candidate, Roy Moore, who had been accused by multiple women, including a 14-year-old, of sexual misconduct. This is a guy Trump didn’t endorse until AFTER the sexual allegations emerged, mind you.

As Democrats tried to be principled on the issue, Congressmen began stepping down (including Al Franken) due to pressure over allegations of their own. Before then, as more and more icons of the entertainment world were toppled, it became more glaringly obvious that the zero-shame partisan world of politics wasn’t holding itself to the same standards.      

Thankfully, in the end Doug Jones squeaked out a win in the election - a Democrat won in deep red Alabama for the first time since 1992 - and nobody in Congress had to deal with the full-blown shame of a Roy Moore in Washington. By the way, Jones’ win was mostly attributed to black voters and more specifically, the 98% of black female who voted for Jones in an election that had a higher black turnout than Obama’s last election in 2012.  

The Moore candidacy and loss were the source of a lot of wackiness as well as an escalation of the GOP civil war between establishment figures and populist outsiders. But in reality, Republicans obviously dodged a huge bullet by Moore losing.        

January 21: Shutdown.      

Trump had his physical. He came back perfect and healthy with no cognitive issues or dentures. Nobody is buying the report (Girthers) and Trump apparently grew an inch taller to avoid being labeled obese. And the mental exam he took (for memory loss and dementia) is hilariously easy.

February 11: A White House in Chaos.

Trump aid, Rob Porter, had to resign due to spousal abuse allegations by two of his ex-wifes (with photos included). Not surprisingly, Trump defended and praised Porter. Possibly because it was written by Porter’s girlfriend, Hope Hicks. Seriously. Which is pretty much par for the course, since he has a history of dismissing allegations against men (Bill O’Reilly, Roy Moore, ahem, Himself). But the part that caused the most problems for the Trump White House is that Porter couldn’t get an FBI clearance because of the allegations.    

Donald Trump wants a military parade. Nobody else does. Even Fox & Friends said it was a waste of money.

Everyone loves the clip of Trump’s hair blowing open as he boarded Air Force One. 

February 25: Is It Different This Time?    

Black Panther continued breaking box office records.  

Trump made a surprise announcement on tariffs, against the advice of all of his advisors. Like, he did it out of frustration. And it could also cause a trade war, which Trump says are good and easy to win (they’re not).  

China is making Xi Jinping in charge for life. Trump joked he’d like to do the same here.    

March 11: Trump Alone Can Fix This?

Trump signed his tariffs on steel and aluminum. That caught everyone off guard as well. So he’s potentially starting a trade war against the wishes of his own advisors and his own party. The guy from the EU said it was stupid and said they’d put a tariff on bourbon, blue jeans and Harley Davidsons. But Wilbur Ross made the rounds holding up soup cans. It looks more and more like Trump is his own strategist and communications director and negotiator. He’s tired of being reigned in and is ignoring advice. So I guess he really goes think he alone can fix things.

Teachers in West Virginia went on strike.          

April: 

Trump also wants to slap $100 billion more in tariffs on China, which could cause a trade war and is already fucking with the stock market.

This week’s scandals are led by Scott Pruitt of the EPA. Who pretty much seems like he’s there just to dismantle the EPA and take as much free fancy shit as possible. Like, the number of his ethics scandals is bananas. And Pruitt probably wouldn’t be able to keep his job if Democrats and the press didn’t hate him so much. So for now, Trump is standing by him. I mean, he’s also trying to fuck the environment, which should be the bigger story. But there’s also all the corruption, fraud and waste. Jesus Christ, this administration.      

Remember when Trump kept saying that you should never telegraph your moves to the enemy on the battlefield? Anyway, Trump said we were leaving Syria last week. Even though our military leaders say we’re not. If we leave, that’s good news for Russia, Iran and/or ISIS. Which is bad for Israel. Plus, there was a chemical attack there this week. And Trump is kind of expected to retaliate. And he is tweeting about it. So maybe you can’t just say dumb shit all the time and have there be no consequences. Especially if the situation is too complicated for you to understand. Who knows? Nobody can really follow what Trump is doing at any given time.      

Two years ago, the Boston Globe ran a fake cover with Trump as president that pretty much became true.

Teachers in red states, like Oklahoma and Arizona are revolting over their pay. Which is not a good sign for Republicans.  

Roseanne came back with big ratings. And since she supports Trump, he’s thrilled about it. The show got the highest ratings in the middle of the country, so people are asking if there’s a coastal disconnect with those oft-discussed white working class Trump voters. I dunno. Maybe we’re overthinking things. The show was huge in the 90′s and I’m sure there was a curiosity factor.            

On Friday, we bombed Syria in response to Assad’s chemical attacks on his own people. Or to run distraction from all the bullshit Trump is facing at home. It’s hard to tell since most of Trump’s attention seems to be on things that affect him. But Trump called the chemical attacks the crimes of a monster. And now he’s proudly declaring mission accomplished. So does Trump even have a strategy? Did the limited strikes do anything? Why did we do this if it doesn’t do anything and we don’t have a strategy? All of this obviously came a week after Trump was declaring we were leaving Syria. It’s also in stark opposition to the America First foreign policy he talked about during the campaign. But since Trump’s usual strategy is just to get to tomorrow, this could just as suspicious as his critics think it is.  

Two black men were arrested at a Starbucks in Philadelphia. They asked to use the bathroom and were turned down because they hadn’t bought anything. When the men refused to leave, an employee called 911. So this was yet another example that our country’s racial problems are far from over. Starbucks responded by closing for a day for racial sensitivity training. Hey, at least they’re is doing something and not just denying racism exists. A lot of places, including the White House, could use that type of sensitivity training. The whole ordeal delves into all of our problems with class and education and we’re usually too distracted by Trump’s melodrama to care about it.  

Beyonce was apparently amazing at Coachella.

Trump called into Fox & Friends and gave an insane, rambling interview. And their faces are fucking hilarious because they know he looks stupid. Like, they had to end the call with him the same way they would an insane person. Yeah, he rambled about Kanye. And it’s funny he didn’t get Melania anything for her birthday. Other people are alarmed at how casually Trump lies and how normalized that has become. The truth should matter. But Trump has learned that there are no consequences for anything.  

Bill Cosby was found guilty on all charges. He could face 30 years in prison.       

Barbara Bush passed away this week. So the funeral pic with all the former Presidents is a thing. Maybe it represents the civility we lost in the Trump era. Or the political dynasties we rejected. Or we said that about Nancy Reagan too.