#even after the disgusting shit they said to me

[pacofprunes]

cotton candy grapes

thanos / player 230 x reader (squid game)

warnings — very short drabble, reader has pink hair, noncon kissing, biting that draws blood, choking, subtle threatening, drug use

by clicking read more you consent to reading this content and you are 18+

somehow, he hadn’t noticed you in the first game. you’d think the only other person there with dyed hair, that was pink, would immediately get his attention. but he didn’t notice until after the games when it was time to vote, you smacking that red X. he only saw your hair though, he wanted to see your face. he knew you had to be stunning.

the voting ends and he sees you on the other side sitting on your bed with your face in your hands. he gets up to go over to you.

“where are you going?”

nam-gyu his lap dog. he sits up out of his bed to see what his owners doing.

“none of your business.”

he walks away towards you, nam-gyu watching the whole time. on the way there he pops a pill in his mouth.

“hello señorita.”

you look up and he’s stunned. god you were beautiful. he whistles at you.

“what’dya say you join me and my team over there beautiful?”

he points to the other side where you see a group of people.

“uh, no thank you.”

“come on babe don’t be so difficult. you’re over here all alone, you need alliances. and i, thanos, the greatest rapper there has ever been, is a great ally.”

you pause and think. it would be nice to have allies in a shit hole like this. but then you think back to the first game. right in front of you, a whole row of people fall forward and get shot. it wasn’t from somebody tripping. no. it’s because this guy who says his name is thanos pushed them. you’re pulled out of your thoughts and look him in the eyes.

“you killed all those people.“

he looks at you with a shocked sarcastic smile.

“did i?”

“yes. yes you did. the first game, you pushed them all. no i don’t wanna fucking be on your team are you crazy?”

he puts a hand on your shoulder and pushes it back slightly before you slap his hand away.

“come on señorita, money is money! you didn’t know those people and neither did i!”

he laughs, sick. he leans forward closer to your face and then moves over to your ear.

“plus, you don’t wanna know what’ll happen if you don’t join my team and switch that X.”

he leans back and points to the red X on your chest. flicking it. you stand up and ignore him before walking away from him, going to the bathroom to avoid him. he just stares your way.

“girls who play hard to get are so fucking hot.”

he runs a hand through his hair before going back to his degenerate friend nam-gyu. telling him all about you. granted he twisted a lot of shit. claiming you wanted him so bad, but was just so intimidated by how famous he is that you didn’t want part of that spotlight, and that’s why you said no. definitely was not what you said at all though.

you come back in the room, your pink hair bouncing behind you. god it looked so soft. he should’ve ran his hand through your hair while he had the chance. lights out comes about and he just sits up on his bed, taking another pill. thinking to himself what his next action should be. what if you died tomorrow and he didn’t even get the chance to kiss you? he gets up and walks back over to your side. you were trying to go to sleep, but weren’t asleep yet. he simply just grabs your elbow and pulls you behind the bed, pressing you against the wall.

“what the hell is wrong with you?”

he looks you dead in the eye with a crazed look. and rubs his hands through your hair. so fucking soft.

“babe, you’re just so fucking beautiful, what if you die tomorrow? and i don’t get the chance to smoke with you, kiss you, fuck you…”

you give him a disgusted look before he grabs your face in both hands giving you a tight kiss. forcing his tongue in your mouth. you push at his chest with your hands before stomping on his foot and he jumps back.

“you fucking bitch.”

he goes back up to you before you get the chance to get away from him and he grips your hair between all his fingers. you wanted to scream but didn’t wanna make things worse. plus, nobody would help you in a place like this. constant killing and fighting. nobody gave a fuck about you. he takes a deep breath before he breaths it all out into your neck. he wraps his hands around your neck as a warning, rubbing his fingers in circles around it.

“you’re so beautiful, one of the prettiest women i’ve ever seen. just give a handsome guy like me a chance.”

he kisses you again, hands still around your neck, doing light little pulse squeezes every few seconds as a warning. he bites your lip this time drawing a little bit of blood, causing you to go to scream. but as soon as you do, he’s squeezing your throat as tight as he can, you can’t get any air, not even a single noise out. he continues to kiss you before pulling away and looking you in the eyes as you struggle to breathe. finally he lets go and pushes your hair behind your ear.

“i expect you change your mind tomorrow, kay babe? wouldn’t wanna hurt you even more, i really do like you.”

he takes a step back and you guys just hold eye contact and he swings his cross necklace, playing with it in his fingers before opening it.

“if you ever want some, just come to me. the pink one suits you perfectly.”

[allmylovc]

heartless!chris takes care of you when you´re drunk.

There had been a campus party tonight, and let´s just say you were having the time of your life. Now that you and chris broke up (again) you were able to enjoy it without any stress of him doing some stupid shit or getting mad over you doing some stupid shit.

You made out with like 10 diffrent guys, and took way too many shots, while chris stood there in the corner watching you like a hawk. He was seething. He hated seeing you around other men, it was disgusting watching you throw yourself on all these guys that you´ve never even met.

He walks up to you after he saw you stumble out the bathroom, and plop on the couch. He takes your drink out hand, your head shoots up "Hey!" you protest as you reach to take your drink back. He shakes his head and sighs "What´s wrong with you, huh?" he said as he taps your head with his other hand.

"Nothing." you scoffed, with an adorable pout on your lips. He rolled his eyes "You´re acting like such a dumbass today." your heart ached at his words. He always acted like this when you two broke up, but he wasn´t any better and he would do the same. So why was it a problem when you did it?

He tilted his head and smirked "C´mon, you´re to drunk to be around all these people." he said as he reached his hand out for you to take.

Which you did.

You two stood up and made your way out the party. He took you to his car, buckled your seatbelt for you and drove off. Once you two got to his place he got you carefully out the car and took you inside.

The second you stepped foot inside you felt that uneasy feeling in your stomach “I’m gonna puke.” you said as you put a hand over your mouth. His eyes widen and he immediately takes you over to the bathroom. Your stomach churns, and you bend over the toilet, barely holding yourself upright.

The nausea is overwhelming, and all you can do is gag, your body shaking with each heave. Chris is kneeling beside you, holding your hair into a make shift ponytail.

His face twists up in disgust as he hears your vomit pouring into the toilet “Let it all out.” He said quietly, as his fingers brushed through your hair.

You wipe your mouth and flush the toilet, and sit back on the cold tile, your legs weak and trembling beneath you. Chris sits down as well, leaning his back over the tub with a grunt.

“What were you thinking?” he asked, you looked up meeting his gaze, you shrugged “I don’t know, chris.” You ran a hand through your hair—moving it away from your face “I was sick of your bullshit,” he scoffed and shook his head “So you’re blaming you being drunk and stupid on me?” he laughed bitterly “Of course.” he huffed “Cause you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong.”

You shook your head and rolled your eyes “That’s not what i meant.” you protested “Then what did you mean?” he snapped “You acting stupid and being a fucking slut has nothing to do with me.” he retorted harshly.

The silence grew heavy and so did the tension in the room. Maybe he was right, maybe you were being a total fucking slut, but in your defense you just wanted to forget about him.

“You know how pissed i was when i saw you make out with all those guys?” he admitted silently. You felt a glimmer of happiness knowing you were able to successfully make him jealous, but even then you still felt a bit of guilt gnawing at your chest.

He met your gaze “This is.. this is stupid.” he scoffed, you nodded in agreement “I know it is,” you sighed as you sat straight “I just wish you wouldn’t act the way you act all the time.” He bit his lips “Yeah.” he whispered “I’m sorry.”

“You act so heartless all the time, chris.” he said quietly, he bit the inside of his cheek “I just wish you could show me how you feel sometimes.” he continued.

You two just sat there for a moment in the awkward silence, and the heavy tension in the room. You both fucked up bad, but unlike him you were willing to talk and apologize for your actions. Meanwhile he just sat there and said absolutely nothing.

You looked up and sighed “I love you, chris.” your confession hanging in the air, he didn’t even look at you or show a hint of sympathy or affection he just nodded.

“I know.”

©ALLMYLOVC all rights reserved.

⊹ authors note  — woohoo first heartless!chris blurb, and i don’t how to feel about it, idk why i criticize my work so much, but enjoy! i apologize if there are any misspelled words or grammar errors. english is not my first language.

tags: @marrykisskilled @chrislilcumslvt @sosasturns @cyberskulzzz @slut4chris888 @waitforyrlove @zebonos @/sturnioloangell @slctsblogana @anyaa2s @emely9274 @shadowthesim @frankoceanfanpage @mrsarnold @freshloveee @t0riiiis @jetaimevous @sturn777 @sturniologirlzz @venusbabysblog @ch6rm

[grubbyposting]

Taking my (foot taller than me) pet puppytwink cissoid’s anal virginity cause he begged me, only for him to say “god im such a FAGGOT slut, what would my father think…?” as I’m fucking his ass (so good that he shot cum on his own mouth) (twice), seeing the fear in his eyes as I threaten to rip his pretty deer throat out and suck out his blood, followed by him worshipping my hairy thighs with his tongue as he thanks me for fucking him til he went dumb and drooly was actually the cure to my dysphoria all along

(after this he immediately comes out to his whole family as a faggot and gives me his fucking Xbox 🤭) #winning

(Sappy shit under the cut.)

ok but I’m gonna get a little sincere on the horny blog…

He also just, loves me. And just so happens to have *also* loved me as my weird girl self in middle school. To make a long, beautiful, complicated story short… we met as kids in school, and bonded because we both liked furries and FNAF. He got me chocolates for Christmas in sixth grade, and after some hmming and hawing, I found myself helplessly adoring his quirky, dainty, gentlemanly self, too. He thought I was cool and loved me best he could with his young little heart. He showed me his Undertale game on one of our dates to his house and we played and laughed and had so much fun. But I was trapped in a shitty home full of surveillance (cameras, monitoring, sexual shame, control, and the standard queerphobia). A culture that made me feel ashamed to be myself. It hurt me bad and twisted me into someone I’m not proud of being.

When he asked to kiss me… I said no.

I felt so ashamed of myself and disgusted at my desires.

I broke his heart shortly after, I couldn’t take the shame. Both of us went on to go through relationship hell for eight years.

I was terribly cruel to him in high school because of telephone game drama. I believed I was doing the “right thing” by spreading the rumors. I thought I was being so righteous and good, but sometimes that hurts people way worse than you can even fathom. Autistic people and those raised into white womanhood, heed my warning…

Both at our lowest, both off the tail ends of messy, messy shit, both desperate scared and longing, horny, sad and… after playing secret horny tag in DMs for years… (my friends hated him because of the drama)

I say fuck it, wyd?

I tell him outright. “I’m not here to love you. But I’m here to show you a good time tonight.”

After. he thanked me, said he felt like he could actually touch the world and impact it.

I have him come back the next night…

We watch fight club… we talk about masculinity, philosophy, spirituality, existential fear, what it means to us… he cuddles me and we dig deep.

I tell him I’m not here to love him but… I think I need him in my life right now.

I started to feel understood by another man… who desired me…? A cis one? Even if he does have chest scars from his ribcage surgery that closely resemble top surgery scars… what a coincidence…

He shows me Berserk. He spends the night. We talk, and laugh, and fuck, and stay up til the wee hours of morning cuddling and chatting and both start to notice what the hell is going on. Someone, save us now… it’s happening… it’s happening and neither of us are wanting to stop it… fuck!

I told him. I give up. I love you! I am delighted at the person that you are! I missed you so badly! Eight years collapsed into nothing the moment we could melt into each other’s arms.

“I love you too.”

He asked me to fight on that fourth day. My blood went cold, because I was so desperate to ask myself, but he was the only one with the courage. We threw fists and I gave him the prettiest black eye. He marked my face and bruised my body. That was 11/11/24.

I was never the same.

I had to confess to my friends that I fell in love. I shook and cried and was so scared. This had to happen. I’m fighting for what I need. Some got mad, some got confused, all of them not pleased with me. But… they turned around. I turned on the charm and said, fuck it, I’m gonna be happy. I told them all about the person he was. I walked back the rumor and gave it context. I wanted to clear this beautiful man’s name, because it’s a name I only feel love for.

I left my toxic girlfriend of three years who didn’t know how to love me. I forgive her. But that needed a wake up call. He saved me, not by fixing it, not by asking me to leave her, but by showing me a world I deserved that I didn’t think was even real. I left to pursue a happy life. He showed me conflict is a tool, passion doesn’t have to come at a cost, and difference is a strength. He showed me stillness and peace and exuberance and freedom. He showed me how to accept my whole self. I showed him how to love his.

My angriest friend eventually asked me how to open in her first DM to him (“I can’t believe you did it, but you made me a fan. I’d love to be his friend”).

We had dinner together (she practically chased us down!) and it was a beautiful full circle moment. We were all in the same class together years ago.

We shared family Christmas this year, I clicked with his parents completely (“hey, remember me…?”) and finally, I felt like I didn’t need to doubt anymore. It’s the real deal, and I pinch myself every single day. I’m blessed, truly.

I showed him Rocky Horror recently. He got it. He loved it. He said he felt it gently take a piece of his negativity, dissolve it, and inspire him to live a freer life. Just like it did for me all those years ago, when my repressed little self found it and fixated on it, not even knowing why. Not understanding I could claim my desires. Not understanding I could choose to be a happy gay man who fucks nasty.

I cried, helplessly. I finally made it, to my gay love and my hopeful queer future full of art and life. I just know little us are so proud. They set us up, after all.

And yeah, I kissed him.

But I didn’t ask.

I love my gay life.

It got better. Hold on, lonely transfags and sad bi boys alike. True love (and fucking til you bleed) awaits you!

[bapeach]

We're just friends, right?

This is my first time writing a story so I'm sorry if it's no good 😅. Let me know what you guys think! Pairing(s): Azzi Fudd x female!reader Word count: 2.3k+ Summary: Y/N is head over heels for her best friend Azzi and doesn't think Azzi likes her back. Turns out she's wrong. ------------

Y/N's POV: I chuckle, hearing Paige and KK mess around on Instagram live on the other side of the room. “Ayo, was that Y/N?” KK says, reading someone’s chat from where she’s sitting on the floor. “Guys, say hi!” Paige says before turning the camera to KK’s bed, where I’m laying between Azzi’s legs. I wave at chat with a grin, hearing Azzi say hi from behind me, where she’s braiding my hair. “Someone said y’all look cute.” KK says before looking over at us, scrunching her face in disgust before looking back at the chat. “Of course we do” I say with a smirk, leaning back a little to look at Azzi, sending her a wink. She laughs softly, shaking her head and pushing my head back to continue with my hair.

“Is Y/N single?” Paige reads out loud before looking at me with a mischievous grin. I'm going to kill her. Paige found out about my crush on Azzi not too long ago and has been teasing me relentlessly ever since. She has tried to convince me to just make my move already, saying that Azzi definitely likes me back but what if she’s wrong? What if Azzi doesn’t like me back and she starts feeling uncomfortable around me? No. I’m not telling her.

I just flip her off and roll my eyes without answering. “Where’s my girl, Nika?” I ask no one in particular. Nika also knows about my crush, but whereas Paige has been a little shit about it, Nika has been my rock. Always there to listen to my rants and support me in any way I need. “I think she said she was just gonna head to our dorm after practice.” Paige mutters. 

“Text her to come over, I can’t deal with you losers without her.” I say before hearing Azzi scoff behind me, as she pulls my hair a little. “What was that?” she says, raising her eyebrow at me. “Not you of course, I was talking about tweedle dee and tweedle dumb over there.” I quickly mutter, my voice growing louder at the end of my sentence. “That’s what I thought” Azzi says, sending me a little grin. I smile back before looking back at Paige and sticking my tongue out as I hear her cough something that sounds a lot like “whipped”.

It’s not long until Nika walks in, smirking while announcing she’s there to “save Y/N and Azzi from the idiots”. I smirk hearing Paige and KK whine about getting bullied. I feel Azzi tap my thigh, letting me know she’s done with my hair. I lean back, letting my head fall into her lap, smiling up at her. It’s ridiculous how beautiful she looks, even when she’s upside down. “Thanks Azz” I mumble, staring at her a little longer than any friend would. “Anytime” she says softly, trailing her finger down my face. I grin a little harder before remembering we’re not alone in the room. 

I get up, walking over to where Nika is sitting with Paige and KK and lean my head on her shoulder. I think if I stayed there, laying in Azzi’s lap a second longer, I would’ve confessed my undying love for her and that wouldn’t end well (Right? Right.). Nika looks at me with sympathy in her eyes, squeezing my leg before turning to the chat and reading a funny comment, trying to distract everyone from my sudden movement. Successfully avoiding looking at Azzi, I completely miss the small frown on her face as I left her side. I miss the small pout on her face as she misses my body heat instantly. Because why would she? We’re just friends (Right? Right.).

I try to keep my energy high but I can’t stop thinking about how much I wish Azzi were mine. How much I wish she wants me the same way I want her. I can’t stop thinking about how her lips would feel against mine. Were they as soft as they looked?

I get up, catching everyone’s attention. “I think imma head out, I’m getting tired.”. “Damn grandma, already?” KK jokes. I flick her ear before giving Paige’s head a tap and leaning out of the way so they can’t hit me back. I give Nika a quick hug and a kiss on the temple before walking over to Azzi. I give her a hug and try not to think about how she smells like home. I kiss her temple, holding my lips against her head a little longer than necessary before pulling back and walking to the door. “Bye losers, bye Niks, bye Azzibaby!” I say, earning a middle finger from KK and Paige while getting a grin and a wave from Nika and a soft smile from Azzi.

Once I reach mine and Nika’s dorm, I make a beeline for my bed, flopping down with a sigh. “C’mon, keep it together you idiot.” I grumble to myself, slapping my hands to my face. Not having KK’s live open on my phone, I don’t even realize that Azzi is barely reacting to the live since I’ve left. 

3rd person:

Azzi barely even hears whatever Paige and KK are arguing about. She barely hears Nika as she’s trying to get both girls to stop fighting. The only thing going through her mind right now is Y/N. Y/N with that annoyingly adorable smirk. Y/N that always makes her laugh, even when she feels like the world is closing in on her. Y/N who always knows what to say and is there for everyone, even when they don’t deserve it. Before she realizes what she’s doing, she’s getting up, making the other girls halt their conversation. “I uh, imma head out too” she says, already thinking about going straight to Y/N’s room. 

After saying her goodbye’s, Azzi walks right over to Y/N’s dorm. Before she knows it, she’s standing in front of the door, knocking and realizing she doesn’t even know what she’s gonna say. She doesn’t get the time to regret her actions though, as Y/N opens the door almost immediately. Azzi’s heart stops for a minute. Of course she’s seen Y/N in just sweats and a sports bra plenty of times before, but Y/N still manages to make her feel breathless every time. 

Y/N's POV:

“Hey… are you okay?” I say with a small frown, seeing Azzi stand in front of my door looking at me with a blank face. “Yeah no yeah, I just-... can we talk?” Azzi stumbles over her words, making me frown a little harder, not being used to her being so nervous. “Of course, come in…” I say softly, stepping aside to let her in. How? How does she look so gorgeous all the time? Even now, being a stumbling nervous mess, it’s like she’s art come to life.

I stare at her a second too long before coughing awkwardly and leading the way to my room. I watch as she sits down and fidgets with her hands. Quickly walking over, I sit next to her and grab her hand, softly squeezing it. I try to shake off the thoughts about how soft her hands feel and how perfect they fit in mine. I need to focus. I look down into her eyes, waiting for her to say whatever she needs to say. I can feel my heart pound a little harder. What if she knows? What if she knows I like her and hates me?

“You know how sometimes we jokingly flirt and how fans ship us?” she started, looking right back at me. I freeze for a second. “I- what?” I mutter. She knows. She knows. FUCK SHE KNOWS. This is bad. This is so bad.

“Do you think it’s weird? How they always make edits of us and stuff? I mean, they don’t understand that the flirting is just a joke… right?” she looks away for a second before looking back at me.

A joke. A joke. A joke. God I knew the flirting wasn’t real so why does it still hurt so much to hear her say that? I clench my jaw, “Right…”. I look away, I can’t bear to look her in the eyes, knowing she’ll see right through me. She knows me well enough to know what I’m thinking by just one glance. If I look at her now, she’ll see the pain in my eyes and that can’t happen. Because she doesn’t like me (Right.). I take my hand out of hers and scratch my neck. I can’t stand touching her right now. 

“Y/N? Look at me.” I hear Azzi say but I can’t. I can’t. I can’t, okay? NO! Stop! She’s your best friend Y/N, you knew this would happen from the start. LOOK AT HER! I look at her, forcing a smile on my face. Don’t let her know this is hurting you, she doesn’t deserve that.

She frowns, looking at me with a look in her eyes. A look I can’t decipher. “You’re upset with me… aren’t you?” she mumbles, her lips forming a small pout. “No, of course not, why would I be upset with you Azzi? We’re just friends, nothing more.” I say, gritting my teeth, trying not to break my jaw with how hard I'm clenching it. But I messed up. I know it. And so does she. 

Azzi’s eyes show that she’s hurt before the words are even properly out of my mouth. I said her name. I said her name, not Azz, not Azzibaby, not princess or one of the 50 other nicknames I have for her. I said her name and now she knows for certain that I’m upset. And god I wish I could take it all back because seeing her look up at me with that look in her eyes. The look I caused? That hurts more than knowing she’ll never like me back. Because at the end of the day, she’s my best friend and I NEVER want to cause her pain. 

3rd person:

Azzi’s heart ached but Y/N being upset must mean something right? A normal friend wouldn’t be upset over being called a friend. A normal friend wouldn’t look at her the way Y/N does. Normal friends wouldn’t cuddle, laying face to face, talking about their hopes and dreams, the same soft way they do. So that MUST mean Y/N likes her back, right…?

“You’re lying” Azzi said, trying to catch Y/N’s eye again as the girl tries to look anywhere but at her. Y/N gets up, needing some distance between her and Azzi before she blurts out everything she’s been dying to tell her. “It’s getting late, we’ll talk later okay?” she says, looking at the ground while crossing her arms, trying to find some comfort in her own arms, knowing she’d rather have Azzi’s around her. Azzi stands up too, her frustrations rising. Frustrations at Y/N for not just confessing but also frustrations at herself, for not having had enough courage to just do it herself.

Y/N's POV:

“No.” Azzi declares. I look back up, feeling a little surprised at her bluntness. “No, you’re going to tell me the truth.” she says sternly, stepping closer to me. “What truth?” I squint at her. Don’t say anything! She doesn’t like you back (Right? Right.). Not letting off, Azzi stepped closer, “Don’t act dumb. Tell me the truth. Tell me how you feel about me.”. “Tell the truth? How about YOU tell ME the truth.” I say, stepping closer, my body tense. Please. Please. I’m begging. Let this mean what I think it does.

“You already know the truth.” Azzi says, looking right back at me, stepping even closer until we’re so close I can feel her body heat radiating off of her. “Do I?” I challenge her, refusing to let myself believe that maybe Azzi Fudd, the people’s princess, likes me back.

Growing tired Azzi steps forward, taking a deep breathe before softly saying, “If I were to tell you I liked you… what would you do?”. I freeze for a moment, not believing my ears. When I look her in the eyes I see the same soft look she seems to always have reserved just for me. I soften, my shoulder sagging down as I look at her with some sort of desperation in my eyes. I need her to be telling me the truth, i couldn't handle it if she didn't mean it. "Azzi please" I beg quietly. I'm not even sure what I'm begging for but she does, because she knows me better than anyone.

She takes one final step closer to me, grabbing my hand with a smile that could light up the world. “I like you… so much, it’s actually pretty insane” she starts, chuckling towards the end of her sentence. I scan her face for a second before grabbing her face in both hands and leaning in slightly, giving her the chance to still pull away. 

Azzi’s heart flutters from how gentle Y/N is with her. Leaning in the rest of the way, Azzi kisses me with a small smile on her face. I kiss her. I kiss her and it's like the world stops. I can't believe it, I'm kissing the girl of my dreams. The girl that is the kindest, sweetest soul. The people's princess. My best friend. My Azzi.

We pull away after a few seconds but I don’t let her get very far, face still cupped between my hands. She smiles her million dollar smile and teases, “So… this means you like me back right?”. I roll my eyes but I can’t seem to hold back the smile that’s growing on my face. “Shuddup” I mumble, pulling her back in. She likes me back? (Right.)

[delicatedemolition]

actually on the verge of a mental fucking breakdown but it’s cool

[itshomobirb]

2 memories i feel like sharing, & some backstory context: so my ass has been spayed, and healthy people take 6-8 weeks to fully recover from getting spayed. i, chronically ill, took longer. as with any abdominal surgery, they told me "no lifting over 10lb u could tear ur stitches." and for reference, my cats are 12 lb wonders.

so im chilling in bed. ~4 weeks after surgery. and my mother starts SCREAMING my name. like "OH MY GOD BORB COME IN HERE NOW QUICK QUICK HURRY OH GOD." so i do, albeit slowly because, you know, still recovering from major surgery. she's freaking out about one of my cats, who looks entirely normal. oh but he ~suddenly stopped~ and ~twisted his body~ i don't know if he's going to be ok. one mother panic attack and one emergency vet visit later (with my mother's help bc i couldn't lift my cat due to lifting restrictions) : he had flea dirt on his hind legs. he was twisting around to lick around his arse. cool 👍 (ofc my mother, on the ride back from the vet, tried to tell me NOT to give the kids flea meds, she doesn't know what kind of ~health ramifications~ flea meds can have if *gasp* the kids don't actually have fleas)

around the same time period, i get woken up by my mother screaming "HELP HELP HELP!!" the first day it happens, she stops within ~15 seconds, and i hear my parents talking before i fall back asleep. find out later the mechanism for moving the window panels up & down in the bathroom broke, so the top panel had trapped her fingers a la guillotine style. my parents joke "well borb if you hear your mother screaming... her fingers are probably trapped 😂." can you guess what happens next. my father was gone the next day, and guess who got her fingers trapped AGAIN by the bathroom window. so i get woken up by her screaming, and i have to help dislodge the window around her bare naked ass. and sure, i have sympathy because i bet it was really painful. but like. are you fucking stupid. my father had to literally childproof the window by installing a screw so the guillotine panel would catch against the other panel so fingers wouldn't get trapped. just so my mother wouldn't get her fingers trapped again. we all knew that if it wasn't there, she would 1000% get her fingers trapped again. but *im* supposedly the incompetent fuck up that NEEDS to be told exactly what to do just in case i, idk, have an independent thought.

[holymolyfizzie]

stolas, self-awareness, & self-help

the narrative i keep seeing is that Stolas has little self-awareness, but idk how much i believe that really? or at least, i really don't think that Stolas is actively trying to be oblivious. it's been clear for a while now that Stolas is trying to understand what's going on. we can go back to the texts from after the night at Ozzie's of Stolas asking Blitz to talk, but honestly we have so much of him saying upfront that he wants to understand what's happening between him and Blitz exactly

i mean, take "Just Look My Way" as a case. this is a song where Stolas makes it clear that he is aware of the privilege differences ("I don't care that you're of lower station... Scorned by a realm that cannot comprehend what you are"). and we see that again when he realizes Blitz and him are in an unfair relationship due to the power imbalance, then actively works to make sure Blitz can leave at any moment without jeopardizing his livelihood. but he also makes it abundantly clear that he knows there's something missing and wants a dialogue with Blitz. a dialogue that Blitz is refusing to engage in beyond, frankly, assumptions and mockery. Stolas has reached out time and again, and he's so upfront here about wanting to understand the whole context!! he's missing knowledge. but it's a leap to say that he's completely not self-aware. and we have it again in Apology Tour:

Stolas is still saying that he wishes he understood more, that he wants a dialogue! Stolas is a self-aware birdy, enough to gather that he has knowledge gaps, but he doesn't know how to get that knowledge except for the words that Blitz has refused to give him so far. he is holding so much evidence (memories) at once in his head, but Stolas is also clearly someone that is trying not to make big assumptions (like Blitz does), so he's not understanding the evidence given to him in terms of a narrative. Apology Tour is about giving him the narrative that Blitz is an abuser and doesn't care about him (obv we know Blitz does care, and it's clear that Stolas pieced that together himself as well, at least before the party), but even now he has doubts in his gaps in knowledge. that's not an oblivious person to me -- it's someone who's uninformed but trying his best with the info he's been given

Also. Stolas has been going to a therapist, or getting self-help in some other way. we should know that already because he has meds for his depression. he has some form of help outside of what we see on the screen. but Apology Tour has really showcased how he is using "therapy talk" to express his feelings. because, for those who don't know, when it comes to couples counseling especially, it's encouraged to use "I feel X" statements when communicating:

compare this to how Blitz uses so many "you" statements (You want me to show your rich, prince-y ass what a real fuckin' is. / You get off by being plowed by people you look down on). when Blitz speaks, you can hear the automatic assumptions, and it's a stunningly clear contrast to how Stolas only speaks about what he knows

and then there's expressing how he knows Blitz doesn't need to reciprocate Stolas's feelings and actions, but a dialogue is still necessary if they're going to try and make things work. Again, this is very much the signs of someone who is seeking outside help to understand the situation:

And as much as I know we like seeing Stolitz again, Stolas has set his boundary over and over and over again in these past 2 eps. a boundary that Blitz keeps breaking. But Stolas is still communicating that he's uncomfortable in the best ways he knows how, in spite of the alcohol and pain:

we need to take a moment on that! Stolas is self-aware enough to know his boundaries and to communicate them. It's frustrating to see them broken (which is NOT Stolas's fault, Blitz shows up unannounced and even broke into his home! what the fuck!), and it really puts Blitz into an abuser role right now. but stolas has been setting healthy boundaries.

(also for the whole oh he wants a romcom, it's unrealistic. no, he is not that delusional. he literally acknowledges in Apology Tour that he knows romcoms are fake, but that he still wants a loving relationship. and he gets so excited when someone asks him to dance!!! Stolas doesn't want some huge romcom -- he wants to know what it's like to be actually loved, even in the smallest ways. don't come at me about Stolas being romcom-delusional, he's not. such a non-starter)

Stolas is a gay man who has always known he is gay. He was literally forced into an abusive, hetero marriage that he didn't know he could escape until very recently. he has some 2 decades worth of relationship trauma and having his boundaries violated by his own father + Stella. but he is still getting some forms of help and working on growing as a person who can hold a healthy relationship that includes healthy communication. he is reaching out to Blitz, asking for clarification, and asking for boundaries to be respected with the tools he has

and frankly, speaking as an abuse survivor myself, Stolas is incredibly self-aware. it's such a huge step forward to know what your boundaries are and actually set them after getting out of an abusive situation (Blitz is yelling at me? i can leave this time). and not only to know his own boundaries, but to understand that Blitz also has walls up because of his status in Hell. Stolas knows how he feels, and he is really fucking trying to understand how Blitz feels

should he try again to apologize for the contractual relationship and earlier treatment? yes, of course. but. Stolas has been trying for several episodes now to work this out, and he's hit a wall. he can go no further on his own with this relationship. all he can do is try to move on from what has, honestly, become another abusive relationship for him

I'm sorry but that's not an oblivious birdy. Stolas has grown so much and is so self-aware, actually. he's simply not getting the communication he needs to sustain this relationship anymore

so to Vivzie's "Stolas still not quite being self aware enough at times" in the ep description: prove it. because i'm not fucking convinced Stolas is that bad off.

[widevibratobitch]

my god. skinny people really just have like. No Idea huh just absolutely not a single clue lmao it's almost funny to watch fr but then id lie if i said i wouldn't fucking kill to be able to be that ignorant

[lenakluthor]

me, literally yesterday: yeah so now my biggest problem is getting myself to start tasks and my therapist suggested maybe i talk to my psychiatrist about adderall

my mother, today: *holding up an overdue bill* this is what you need to talk to your therapist about! you procrastinate everything!

[rainyraisin]

I have to take two more lots of penicillin today I'm gonna fucking SCREAM (vent in the tags)

[kerryeurodynes]

my mother has been in the hospital all week, and i don’t know when she’ll be released, because she broke both of her wrists after we had an absolutely lovely day saturday, and i know i’m a grown adult but i keep having crying jags because i miss my mom and this is the third longest time she’s ever been away from me in my whole life man 😭 it’s embarrassing!!!

[dennisboobs]

this is genuinely... so funny to me. like the hilarity of copypasting rational tweets. i'm literally right. it's not even a funny copypasta because it's literally just. objectively correct. it's a criticism of twitter culture and that makes it funny to you because...... god forbid you actually have empathy for other people. caring is for losers if you're on twitter dot com, you have to be snarky and funny at all times.

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Currently resisting the urge to blackmail my father into therapy

[petitgalaxy]

.

[appreciatingtokrev]

the fact that my ex shamed me for calling him ‘beautiful’ three months after he came out as non-binary because it was too feminine (they’d been fine with it previous to his outing and they didn’t tell me they don’t want to be called by feminine terms anymore or anything like that) and then went on to call our relationship lesbian when i explicitly told him that our relationship is not lesbian because i am an omni demiboy and certainly not wlw is fucking wild to me now that i think about it. and i fr dated him for six more months after that

[fairydustfromhell]