#especially because like. 1/2 a banana = hours of pain

[aro-culture-is]

Southern aro culture is Smoothie King

I've been hooked on this place for a month. I buy from there at least once a week. I always get the same thing, a Keto Champ Chocolate, with substituted peanut butter in a 20 oz cup

I just really love Smoothie King

.

[progressblog]

What's your experience with Crohn's, if you don't mind (curiosity)?

Hi @hauntedmoontimetravel !! Lovely question but took me hours to write lol.

Crohns disease is chronic and an invisible illness like any other autoimmune condition and my intestines are effected by this.

On a day to day basis:

When in remission that is having no active symptoms

- i face joint aches (nowadays its ankle aches and back neck ache)

- less energy (so i sleep a lot more than people usually do typically 9 hours daily) and as someone who gets periods this gets worse during those days

- getting tired easily

- cant do any intense activity or else ill vomit

- dietary restrictions (majorly omelettes or any egg dishes other than boiled eggs but there are more like cauliflower makes me gassy and dairy except yogurt gives me pimples and sometimes rarely nowadays loose stool…) if i eat such items then i end up vomiting, having acidity or acid reflux and have stomach ache that would hurt like someones trying to rip apart my organs and even lower energy

- In general i keep in check my intake of refined/white flour and fried items although currently been eating a lot of chips because it feels good like its a stress buster.

- Another is i cant go long without eating otherwise i get stomach ache and start feeling like even more low on energy so if i had lunch at 2pm after 4hrs i need to eat at least something but more than say 2 bananas.

So you can see it isnt that severe unless i eat outside meals then I’ll get sick easily and frequently so only home cooked meals are preferred.

When Stressed:

When im stressed my appetite immediately drops also during periods which is also stressful and i literally dont feel like eating more than 1 meal a day but i do eat 3 meals just very less in quantity. Thats how i know im at my worst mentally.

Management:

So on a daily basis for management i take immuno suppresants 1gram of mesalazine (it has the least side effects of all the immuno suppressants) 3 times a day after each meal also folvite and sompraz on empty stomach each morning for stomach acid and i dont take any supplements currently but i was put on and off on vit D3 and iron tablets. Personally, i think im still low on iron lol.

Main Struggles:

The thing about autoimmune diseases is that once you get them you easily are at risk for other chronic diseases especially as a woman the list is even longer. Thankfully, i dont have any other disease other than this and some mild ent related issues.

So, my biggest struggle is with stamina, (im always out of breath climbed 1 floor of stairs out of breath…), exercise, pain tolerance and bone health. Sometimes i feel like this is regular ache and takes me time to realise theres nothing known as regular ache lol and somethings off. Its due to getting tired easily that its hard to stay consistent with exercise so i have gained a lot of weight in past 2 years (also cuz of anti depressants). This puts me at risk of other chronic illnesses as well ugh this is endless.

Anyways, due to my immune system being suppressed constantly my lymph nodes are always swollen and im at risk to catch communicable diseases easily in comparison to people with proper functioning immune system and wound healing is slow.

Check ups:

I need yearly check ups so each year i get tested for inflammation (which is never below 100 if autoimmune) mine was 300 last i checked about 2 years ago (last year i procrastinated) due to stress (that year i dropped out from law school and had a break up …) and deficiencies (blood work) and get colonoscopy to actually see how are the insides of my intestines.

About colonoscopy, it requires a prep so i prefer to get admit because it makes me feel so weak that its not possible for me to take stairs or speed walk. Essentially this laxative (of 1L horrible tasting) makes you go to bathroom for about 15 times to a minimum of 7. So to stay hydrated so that i dont pass out everything i take fluids via iv when i do get admit.

During flare ups:

There are other symptoms that show up if i not in remission or having a flare up (if i dont take my meds or the meds arent enough or have stopped working) such as weak eye sight and the white in the eyes becoming off white and even lower energy levels that even walking gets hard due to constant stomach pain many antibiotics, anti acid… and all stop working and over time due to diarrhoea and vomiting i end up losing weight and become anorexic it gets so bad that i lose 2kgs a day to 4kgs.

So ofcourse i need to get admit in such cases and be put on corticosteroids and this medicine has A LOT of side effects and makes you immunocompromised.

Vegetarian dietary nutrition taken almost everyday:

- coconut water/electrolytes especially if i exercise

- cultured plain white yogurt with lunch and dinner for probiotics

- protein like white rice (although has more carbs), lentils, split mung beans, kidney beans, pigeon peas, black chickpeas

- green tea for antioxidants unless i have brain zaps

- for fibre i take chia seeds/fibre biscuits/fruits or psyllium husk only if im constipated

- for fatty acids i take one spoon of plain non roasted flaxseeds (need to start taking them again)

- For iron 5 dates (need to start taking them again) or dates syrup as a sweetener

- others - puffed whole wheat flatbread not daily, at least 1L water but i aim for 3L, dark chocolate and meds

- cheat items been consuming recently - peach flavoured sparkled water, Vietnamese cold coffee and chips.

[september-rainn]

Donnie darko agere hcs perhaps? 🤨

Little!Donnie Darko Headcanons

✮⋆˙ 1/2/3 - 4/5/6 - 7/8/9 ✮⋆˙

I am surprised I haven't done this earlier, he's my everything. I cannot believe it took an ask to get this made. I've seen a lot of headcanons about him being transgender and I kind of see it, so I'm following the masses and incorporating it

CW: Mentions of pills & dysphoria

☆ Donnie's little age is anything pre-puberty, typically ranging from 5 to 8, but can slip as young as 2 when especially stressed or as old as 11 when on the cusp of regressing

★ He tends to slip into little space when with his therapist (due to hypnotherapy, though he hardly counts it), when extremely anxious, or when extremely dysphoric.

☆ He's primarily pre-puberty to help with discomfort in his body due to maturing. Part of it is because he mourns never having a "masculine" childhood, and wants to live that out like every other boy got to do.

★ He refuses to have a caregiver. He fantasizes about having one, and what it'd be like, but is too independent to allow anyone to take care of him

☆ Doesn't mean people, primarily his sister and mother, haven't tried. He's more open to letting Elizabeth care for him in small doses. He starts to get agitated if he feels she's impeding too much on his "little" time

★ THE KING OF TANTRUMS!! He'll scream, he'll cry, he'll stomp his feet, he'll throw things, he'll rip things up. He has a hard time managing frustration when he is little. This contributes to his adamancy on not having a caregiver; he doesn't wish to subject someone to his fits

☆ Fiddles a lot. He loves having things to fidget with. His go-to is the strings of his hoodie, and small handheld trinkets, like a Rubik's cube. Not much of a teether. Needs to keep his hands occupied

★ Loves coloring books!! He steals Samantha's coloring books, too shy to get any on his own. Samantha notices. She doesn't say anything

☆ He loves drawing too. Depending on how old he is, it can be pen scribbles or well-thought-out doodles. He holds the pen in his fist to make his drawings look more child-like

★ He still had the doggy stuffed animal he got from his therapist. He has an unhealthy attachment to it, In and out of regression. He panics if he doesn't have easy access to it. Washing it has always been a pain

☆ The only little gear he had ever gotten for himself (aka not stolen from Samantha) was a sippy cup. Mostly drinks mixed berry juices and sparkling water

★ Samantha and Donnie play together sometimes when he's regressed. The trampoline is their favorite toy to play with. Samantha isn't aware of his regression, but she's happy he plays with her

☆ Surprisingly, he's more willing to take his pills when regressed. His brain is too foggy to conceptualize if he needs the pills or not, nor what they say about him (will fuss a little. It's tradition)

★ Only eats soft foods. Things like cakes, bread, soup, bananas, etc.

☆ Unsurprising; He likes watching the Smurfs, alongside other cartoons. He loves to curl up with a blanket and his stuffed doggy and binge episodes for hours

★ Has glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling, and a few dangling over his bed

☆ Despite his age being on the older side, he loves crib accessories, like mobile hangings and soothing bedside toys. He has one from when he was a child that plays a faint lullaby

★ Needs calming noise to sleep. Either white noise, a lullaby if he's feeling bold, or the calming voice of another. The latter hasn't occurred outside of his mind, but to him, it works all the same

☆ Plays a lot of board games. He has a hard time finding people to play with him. He's a sore loser. He plays with himself. It makes him sad. It makes him more regressed.

★ If he did have a caregiver, he'd want to call them mommy or miss. Not interested in having a male caregiver-- He's too much of a mama's boy. He's so weak to motherly attention

☆ Would cry if an older woman said he did good. Needs praise to survive

★ Someone kiss this boy on the cheek I think he needs it !!!!

[survey--s]

685.

1 - Who was the last person to give you a gift? What was the reason for it?  Suzanne got me some chocolates as a "thank you" for looking after Charlie for a few days while they went away.

2 - Are you a good cook? If so, who taught you? What’s your favourite thing to cook?  I can cook but I don't really enjoy it. My dad actually taught me most of the basics and then I was self-taught for the rest.

3 - When was the last time something in your house broke? Did you manage to fix it or did you need to buy a replacement? The xBox stopped working a while ago but when I tried it yesterday it seemed to be okay. I think it must have just overheated or crashed or something.

4 - Is any part of your body hurting right now? What caused that pain?  Yeah, my left hip which always plays up when it's cold and snowy.

5 - Do you have anything exciting planned for the upcoming weekend?  It's Sunday now and we have a snow day. Next weekend I have work on Saturday and then it's my birthday on Sunday so we're going out for lunch.

6 - If you could spend two weeks in any city in the world, which city would you pick and why?  Tokyo, just because it's somewhere I've always wanted to go and it looks like one of those places where you'll never get bored.

7 - When was the last time you tripped or fell in public? if there was nobody around to see you, did you still feel embarrassed? I skidded on the snow this morning but it was only in the garden. I wasn't embarrassed, just glad I didn't get hurt tbh, haha.

8 - The last time you made a sandwich, what did you put in there? I have no idea, I never really eat sandwiches. I had peanut butter on toast this morning though!

9 - How many hours sleep did you get last night? Was that enough for you or could you have slept for longer? About seven? I woke up wide awake at 6am for no apparent reason.

10 - What’s your favourite time of day? What’s your favourite thing to do at that time? On workdays I love my afternoons. I finish work around 1.30pm, come home, feed the animals, shower and then I have the rest of the day to do what I want. Normally I watch TV, mess around online, play games or sometimes see friends. On weekends I love lazy mornings.

11 - Where did you go the last time you left your house?  I haven't been out properly since Friday but I've been out in the garden to play with the dog in the snow a lot.

12 - Are you tired right now? Will you be going to bed anytime soon?  I'm kinda tired but I won't be going back to sleep. It's nearly lunchtime so I'll feed the animals after this and then probably make myself something to eat.

13 - How many times a week do you get takeaway coffee, if you get it at all?  On average, none lol. It's just too expensive for me to justify on a regular basis. I buy the syrups and stuff and make it at home.

14 - What radio station do you listen to the most?  Radio One.

15 - If you eat steak, how do you like it cooked? What sauces or sides do you like to go with it?  Rare, and I like it with mushrooms, fries and onion rings. In terms of sauce, I like blue cheese.

16 - Do you prefer sweet or savoury pancakes? What toppings do you have on them?  Sweet. Normally I have blueberries, honey and bananas.

17 - Are you someone who cracks their joints a lot? Which one(s) do you tend to crack and click the most?  My joints crack whenever I move, haha. Normally my toes, knees, back and neck make the most noise.

18 - Have you ever taken medication or tablets to help you sleep? is this something you do on a regular basis? Yeah, both prescription and herbal ones, but I haven't needed either for a good six months now.

19 - For you, what’s the worst thing about getting up in the morning? What about the worst thing about going to bed tonight?  I just hate actually getting out of bed, especially in winter. I'm fine going to bed at night.

20 - Do you prefer regular or diet soft drinks?  Diet. I find the regular ones too sweet.

21 - What do you tend to wear if you’re just hanging about the house for the day?  Leggings and a hoody at this time of year. In summer normally shorts and a t-shirt.

22 - When was the last time you dyed your hair? Did you do it yourself or get it done at a hairdresser?  A couple of years ago. I always do it myself.

23 - Does having to wear a mask stop you doing things? Is this because you struggle wearing one or you just don’t like it?  I couldn't wear one because of sensory issues. I have autism and having something covering my mouth and nose makes me nauseous and panicky. I could cope for a few minutes but nothing longer.

24 - Have you ever witnessed a car accident? Or have you perhaps been involved in one yourself? Were you at fault? I've never witnessed one but been involved in a couple - neither were my fault, though.

25 - When was the last time you baked a cake? What cake was it? Years ago. I don't really like baking. I did make bread during lockdown though using one of those kits.

26 - Do you like wearing bows or accessories in your hair?  Nope.

27 - How many books do you read in a year? Do you enjoy reading or do you have to really force yourself to sit down and read?  I haven't read a book in ages. I never read anymore, I just don't seem to enjoy it in the way I used to.

28 - If you have pets, where did they come from? A breeder, a rescue or maybe a friend who bred their pet? Purrlock is a rescue, Simba and Toby are farm kittens and Archie is from a breeder.

29 - Do you make your bed every morning when you get up?  Yeah, every single day. It feels wrong not to make the bed.

30 - When was the last time you got takeaway food? Was it good? Last week, and yeah, it was pretty good.

[agirldying]

a little update

I got the Mirena iud yesterday morning and I just wanted to talk about my experience because I feel like it's not often talked about and I think it's important that people know what getting it can look like. If medical procedures and problems squick you out or trigger you then feel free to skip this post (it's long).

Honestly I was really excited to get it done, I really had my game face on and I was like "What's the worst that could happen?"

So the gyno told me to take cytotec vaginally the night before which I didn't realize is literally a labor induction pill but. I took it at like 10pm and went to bed early because the appointment was for 9am and not only does it take an hour to get there but I was instructed to take 600mg of motrin an hour before the procedure.

I woke up at 2am to cramping that was worse than my periods which are usually heavy and painful. I decided to take a motrin but the cramping was so bad I started convulsing and shaking and for a moment I wondered if I should go to the hospital but tried to just go back to sleep knowing I had to wake up early.

Then I woke up at 4 and went to the bathroom just to cramp over the toilet, at this point I felt a little nauseous so I sat in front of the toilet for a while but nothing came up so I decided to just go back to bed. I went back to the bathroom a couple times and it started frustrating me to the point where I remember crying but not being able to shed any tears. I remember lying wide awake in bed staring at the clock reading 4:38am, just in so much pain that I started dissociating. I felt the pain spreading from my uterus to my ovaries, then my thighs, then my stomach.

Then I woke up at 6am, went back to the bathroom, and as I was heading back to bed I realized that I was much more nauseous than before, especially while walking, and at this point I just wanted to get it over with so I grabbed my garbage pail and walked around until I started dry heaving and then I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I sat on the bathroom floor until my nausea subsided and woke my mom up to tell her I had thrown up, so we ended up starting our morning at 6:30 in the morning.

I waited impatiently for 8am to take the motrin. Dumbass me took 6. I legitimately thought 1 pill = 100mg. 1 pill actually = 200mg. So I had accidentally overdosed on motrin but didn't know. Right after I took the pills I had 2 slices of banana and morsels of a chocolate chip muffin I bought from the grocery store. I wanted to eat more but I was literally forcing myself to chew. I felt so weak that I kept dropping my head and arms and when I got in the car (my mom drove) I put the seat back and lied down. But not even 15 minutes into the drive I sat up and hunched over in pain, and just started crying because I was looking around at everyone walking on the street and envying their painlessness.

The next eventful part was when the procedure actually started and I told my gyno about the previous night and morning, and she was surprised and apologetic, and said that its uncommon to react severely like that.

The procedure itself really wasn't that bad, they injected some numbing medication in my uteran opening (i don't know terms leave me alone lol) and then used a clamp thing to hold it open. my uterus rejected the iud the first try but the second try worked and let me tell you. The feeling the first few minutes of that iud inside me was SO painful, not only did I feel it in my entire uterus but my lower back as well, and the pain was so severe that I started shaking again and threw up my breakfast.

Thankfully the nurses were really nice and they pet me and let me rest until my body calmed down and then they gave me an ultrasound to make sure the iud was in place. Then I told the gyno that I had taken 6 motrin and she stared at me and was like,,, that's double what you should've taken. and I was like... uh oh. what might happen? and she said renal failure, i asked what that meant, and she said kidney failure, and i was like oh shit. so she left the room, came back in after a while and asked how much i weigh so she could determine the toxicity level, but then she realized that I had very likely thrown it up with my breakfast and just let me rest for a bit longer to make sure I wasn't dizzy. She also said that I could've been throwing up because of how much motrin I ingested as well.

Soon enough I was cleared to get dressed and leave. When I got dressed I realized that there was a lot of blood on the table so I decided to go to the bathroom and put a pad on. What was interesting was that as soon as my body calmed down I still felt an aching in my uterus but it was just localized to the uterus as opposed to the cramping I was feeling in my ovaries from the cytotec. So somehow the iud overrode the cramping from the pill and honestly I was perfectly fine with that since this was a dull ache in comparison.

The pain very quickly went away entirely and I am no longer in any kind of pain but my body is still incredibly fatigued from the lack of sleep, the pain, throwing up, and also just the shaking. I took a long nap when I got home and now (the next day) I'm actually still really weak but other than that I'm feeling good.

If you read this whole thing than here's your special medal:

[airi-p4]

From above the stars - Chapter 7

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | ... 

_____________________________________________________

Sorry for the long wait! I’m not forgetting about this story!! I love it and I’m stopping overthinking it so it can progress at last. I hope you enjoy 💙

Chapter summary:

Gabriel offers Marinette something unexpected she can't refuse. At the same time, Luka stops coming to the cemetery, and she can't help but worry: he had promised her he wouldn't disappear...

AO3

___________________________

CHAPTER 7 - Lost

Marinette was staring at Luka's only message on her phone, dated from the previous morning (the one he sent to confirm his contact), when she received a SMS: Gabriel Agreste.

She felt uneasy from being summoned again by her late ex-boyfriend's cold father, but despite hating the idea of meeting him, she got ready to pay him a visit. Gabriel Agreste received her coldly as always, but this time, instead of mourning his son, he had an offer she didn’t expect.

"Marinette. I want to reassume the fashion business. I need someone talented to take care of the designs of Agreste’s future collections and I’m confident you could fill in for that job position. I've seen your sketchbooks and Adrien was right: you're very talented."

Marinette didn't know what to say. It's true Adrien had mentioned showing her designs to his father, but he always ended up apologizing because, in the end, Gabriel would never listen to him. Marinette didn't have much time to think as his suggestion progressed.

"Bring me a few new designs the day after tomorrow and we can discuss this matter further. Take it as a test to see if you’re fit for that job position" He asked.

"The- the day after tomorrow…? I- haven't drawn much lately, I'm not sure I can-"

"I'm sure you won't disappoint me. I would really appreciate it if you joined the Agreste empire. You're the only one I can trust"

Marinette felt sick. Not only because of the autoritharism he launched towards her, but also by the word 'trust'. Was it fair he ‘trusted’ her when she was already moving on from the love she used to have for Adrien- his son? Wasn't she betraying both father and son if she accepted Gabriel Agreste's offer? What options did she have, though? She couldn't refuse- she had had her part to blame for the accident and had to take responsibility for her actions. For Adrien...

"Thank you, Mister Agreste. I- I'll try…" she answered unsecure.

"Good. You can go now. You have some designs to work with. See you the day after tomorrow, here, at the same time"

Marinette nodded at Gabriel's cold back in front of her before passing through the main gates of the mansion to the street. She would have been happy to receive a chance like this when she dated Adrien, but now…? She wasn't sure if she wanted it anymore. She knew she needed a job other than helping at her parents' bakery, but how was she supposed to design anything after months without properly working on her fashion designs? Moreover, working with Gabriel made her uneasy. She could already feel the pressure on her shoulders from a task she shouldn't have trouble to accomplish under normal circumstances. These weren't normal circumstances. She didn't belong to the Agreste family anymore, yet she couldn't find the courage to tell Mister Agreste- or worse: to disappoint him. He needed her and she didn't want to fail his expectations- especially when she felt she was partly at fault for his son's passing.

Snapping from her never-ending thoughts about her new job offer, Marinette checked Luka's message on her phone again. ‘Thank you for today’. No matter how many times she read it, it never failed to help her find some calm. Unknowingly, she would always embrace her phone and smile at it. 'I want to see you' Marinette thought on her way to the cemetery, after buying some flowers.

___________________________________

Marinette knew she was supposed to work on her designs instead of waiting for Luka, but she couldn't stop herself. She waited, patiently, for hours, even for longer than the time he usually left… but nothing: he didn't come.

It wasn't like him to miss his visit to his sisters. Plus, he had promised her he wouldn’t disappear as long as anything unexpected happened. Marinette became anxious. 'Did anything happen to him? Did he catch a cold during the chill night? Did he become wary of her for depending and relying so much on him? Was his promise out of pity?' She couldn't know the answer.

Lonely and distracted, she went to Trocadero, where she usually hung around- either to babysit Manon, to draw and design or on her dates with Adrien- a place full of memories and her favorite corner in Paris. She expected to find the inspiration that used to overflow whenever she held a pencil in her favorite drawing spot.

She sat at the stairs and looked at her surroundings: the majestic Eiffel tower in front of her, the merry-go-round at her right, with cheerful children playing on it, the candy and ice-cream stalls at the left side. A pair of skaters racing, couples, families and groups of friends were also what Marinette's eyes usually enjoyed observing. She tried to look for inspiration on the landscape, but nothing. Her eyes may have been looking at Trocadero, but her head was somewhere else: Luka. She couldn't help but worry something bad may have happened to him.

Inspiration didn't hit as she called it a day. Still concerned, she read Luka's message again before going to sleep.

________________________________

The next day the story repeated: her last message was still not marked as read, and Luka didn't appear at the cemetery. Two days in a row without him was starting to be too hard for her heart. She spent the afternoon at Trocadero again, and when she didn't expect it, as a way to cover her impatience and negativity, her solitude, her fears and her desire to meet him became her sole inspiration.

The morning after, Marinette woke up early to go to Agreste's mansion. Gabriel welcomed her with a hug, and soon he asked for her sketchbook. The old man's strict eyes observed: every detail, every color, every choice of fabrics… Marinette could feel his judging eyes on her through her pencil-drawn sketches.

"Marinette" Gabriel called after closing the sketchbook, and turning to face her with piercing eyes. "What's the meaning of this?"

"I- My new designs…" she answered, scared of his glacial look on her.

"This… this is absolutely worthless" he coldly stated, startling Marinette. "I can understand the negative and longing feelings, but this?” he signaled. “This is not Agreste's style. Can you imagine Adrien wearing any of those? What were you thinking? I'm so disappointed…" he sighed.

Marinette gulped and her body was trembling, afraid of the cold man in front of her. She should have imagined her drawings would turn out to be not of Gabriel's likings. It was obvious they didn't fit with Agreste's style, with elegance and high-class as its trademark. She had been inspired by Luka, and the rock style of her newest drawings screamed his name everywhere. But it was the only thing she could come up with in her state, no matter how hard she tried.

"I'm so sorry… Let me re-do them, please" she begged, seeing the chance she had always dreamed about vanish before her eyes at that instant.

"You have one more day. I have great expectations put on you, Marinette. Show me your true potential- the designs my son was fond of"

"Yes sir. Thank you" she bowed her head, quickly excusing herself to walk through the main gates. She was trembling like a little mouse in front of its predator. She needed to throw out those disgusting feelings of inferiority and devaluing. She needed to recover her steady breath and calm. She needed Luka's presence close to keep her feet on the ground. She needed him to keep her sanity.

But, once again, he didn't come to the cemetery. Another day without him around. Another day with growing anxiety and worry. Another day of painful loneliness… but new designs still needed to be done...

Back at Trocadero, she decided to try to keep her head occupied with her drawings. She tried remembering her dates with Adrien- or what she used to base her designs on before.

She remembered walking hand in hand with him, sharing André's ice-cream, sharing one spoon, and being scolded by a baby's mother when she tried to give her baby a candy from the candy stall. She also remembered bumping with the flyer man- Mr Banana- when she had been rushed by Adrien, all his papers flying and scattered on the ground. She still felt a little bad for not helping him recover his flyers (especially when Adrien stepped on some of them). She also remembered riding the merry-go-round with her ‘Prince’ and she, his ‘Princess’. She remembered picnics with their best friends, too. Even the selfish, prideful and arrogant Chloe, Adrien's childhood friend, had finally accepted her as Adrien's girlfriend in front of the Eiffel tower. She wondered where her past friends were now.

The memories she had now were bittersweet- happy but also sad. How much truth and how much fantasy was in her memories? Adrien's perfection had been an illusion of hers. And their mutual friends 'friendship' appeared to be so too, when they hadn't called her in months. At least Chloe still greeted her when they met in the street, and she still brought Adrien flowers once a week. 'What was Gabriel looking for in her designs?' she had asked herself. Her answer was clear- 'the illusion of a perfect life'.

______________________________

Gabriel's eyes studied her newest designs the day after. Elegance, class, innovation- Gabriel's lips displayed a faint proud smile under his serious facade and Marinette could finally breathe.

"Marinette. You really are talented. You outdid yourself here" he said, closing her sketchbook to look at her. "I'm going to ask Nathalie to make your designs part of the new collection. With only a few arrangements they'll be perfect. Good job"

"Thank you, Sir", she bowed.

"As promised, I want you to be the new designer of the company. Take it as training. I expect you to become the pillar of this company in a few years". His chin raised to look at her from an upper position. Marinette’s eyes couldn’t possibly open more as she gasped.

"Wha-! With all my respect, I- I don't think I deserve that, Sir" her head sank between her shoulders.

"Nonsense. You're the only one who cared about my son. You're all I have left from him now, my daughter-in-law. You're the only one I can trust" he reassured her with a hand on her shoulders, under his melancholic facial expression. "I count on you"

"Yes, Sir" her mouth automatically responded. Gabriel hugged her in a grateful manner, before stating the work conditions: a full sketchbook of new designs per week. No fixed schedule, just a deadline every Friday. Marinette agreed with the conditions, still doubting her capabilities.

When she stepped out of the mansion, she wanted to scream, to cry, to jump… but most of all she wanted to meet Luka. Three days without him and she already felt like she was losing her mind. She hoped to finally meet him and hug him and tell him how much she had missed him- but nothing: no new flowers on his sisters tombstones apart from hers.

Disappointed and worried, she moved to Trocadero again. Her message to Luka was still unanswered and marked as unread. She contemplated the idea of calling him, but she supposed she would be a nuisance if he was at work- or maybe he was unreachable when he had yet to read her message. She had no claim on him, anyway. There was nothing else she could do. Before she could notice, tears were falling from her eyes.

She must have been showing a very depressing aura, because soon, André Glacier approached to offer her an ice-cream. The candy stall lady offered her a strawberry flavored lollipop and even Mr Banana offered her a paper crafted flower made out of his flyers.

For the first time, Marinette realized she was also part of the landscape she loved the most in Paris, and she was moved by their welcoming affection. The merry-go-round old man also offered her a blanket to rest on the grass. She was exhausted from the swirl of emotions she had been going on these past days and she soon fell asleep. She could have sworn she could hear Luka's guitar nearby- the song he always played- but her eyelids were too heavy to open. 'Luka…' she cried, and she entered dreamland with the feeling of someone's hand softly caressing her hair. Through her almost closed eyes, she could almost swear she saw nails painted in black, but she convinced herself she must have just dreamed it.

That night, she armed herself with courage and sent Luka another message. 'Let's meet tomorrow. I'll wait for you'.

Before going to sleep, she wished to the stars to meet him again… but they must have been angry at her because no one expected a strong windstorm for the next day. Marinette's parents forbade her to go outside in that weather, but she escaped through the back door and fought the winds to go to the cemetery.

'Why am I even here?' she thought, looking at the still unread message. 'There's no way he comes in this weather… I’m such a fool...' Marinette sighed. She could see some tree branches falling down; and cardboards, metallic plates and other pieces of various materials being carried by the windstorm. She sought refuge behind the Couffaine's family mausoleum, wishing for their forgiveness as the clock hit Luka's usual curfew.

He didn't come. Again.

Defeated, she reached for her phone: no new messages. 'What was the point of being there when he was obviously not going to come?' She felt stupid. And maybe she was. She probably was. Stupidly in love, she realized. Was she even allowed to love someone she had hurt so much? Did she even deserve his attention? Or his help? Will he ever come back to her? Was he even real?

She was losing her mind.

The strong howling winds were covering her loud painful shriek. Her hoarse throat felt ready to tear anytime as her crying amplified. When was the last time she cried like that? Right. After her first visit to Adrien's grave- months ago, when she first met with Luka.

"Luka… I miss you… I want to see you… please… I need to know you haven't left me behind too… please… don't leave me alone… Please… I need to know you're safe… I need you..." she cried in exhaustion, her body curled, sinking her head between her knees. With one last check on her phone, she lost all her hope: no new messages, despite the message marked now as read.

He willingly ignored her, she supposed, devastated. He didn't want to meet with her, didn't he? She was abusing his kindness when his suffering was worse than hers. And his sisters… Of course he would secretly hate her… Maybe living had no point anymore, she thought, utterly defeated by the depression she had been fighting since she woke up in that hospital room. Maybe it was her destiny, or a curse. Once again, she was surrounded by her inner darkness.

‘Maybe it’s time to give up…'

"Marinette!" She could hear someone calling. Probably her imagination, she assumed. "Marinette!" The same voice repeated- Luka's voice. She thought she was at the border of losing her sanity when he called again "Marinette!", but this time he appeared in front of her, sweating, with his hair messy from the wind.

If it weren't for how he ran to hug her immediately, she would have convinced herself he was a product of her imagination. But the touch was real. He was real. And he was there with her. "Luka…!" She cried, clinging to his clothes.

"What are you doing here in this windstorm? Haven't you seen the news? It's dangerous! You could have injured yourself" he scolded her, panicking and worrying. "What would I do if anything happened to you…?" he whispered, so low she wouldn't have heard him if his mouth weren't almost touching her ear.

"Luka... Luka! I was- so scared! And worried! I- I've missed you so much!" She screamed between whimpers, as her arms grip tightened around him.

"I'm here Marinette, it's ok. Sorry for being late" he apologized, hugging her tightly. "I'm so sorry"

"Luka, I-" before she could continue, two voices joined the wind sounds.

"Marinette?" "Marinette!"

"My parents," she gasped, recognizing their voices.

With his usual gentleness, Luka offered her his hand and helped her stand up, but she refused to let go of him.

"Go with them. They must be worried" Luka said in his usual calmed voice.

"But-"

"I'll be here as usual as soon as the weather allows me to. Rest assured". His hands on her shoulders were more reassuring than the unreadable look on his face, but he sounded sincere to Marinette and she decided to trust him.

"But- what happened? Why didn't you answer my messages? She cried. "You promised you wouldn’t willingly disappear and yet… I was so worried something bad could have happened to you..."

"I'm sorry, Marinette… Something happened, it’s true, but-” he looked away and took a deep breath before looking at the directions Marinette’s parents' voices came from. “I'll tell you next time. You better go now. Your parents sound very worried"

"Will you really come again?" Marinette asked, squeezing his hand, scared of him disappearing again.

"I promise. I won’t fail you again” He nodded. “Now go."

Marinette was hesitant, but she finally let go of his hand and started walking towards her parents' voices, encouraged by Luka's hurt smile and his slight push on her back.

"Mom! Dad!" She cried, running to hug them.

"Marinette! We were so worried! Why did you escape? It's dangerous! What if anything happened to you, all alone here…" her mother hugged her.

"No, mom. I wasn't alone… I was with-" she turned to signal Luka, but he was nowhere to be found. 'Did she imagine it?' she frowned her eyebrows in disappointment.

"Let's go home" her father said, with his arm behind her back.

Sad and confused, Marinette looked back once again, wondering if her meeting with Luka had just been a product of her imagination. But when she looked back again, he was indeed there, watching them from afar.

In relief, Marinette waved back at him, but he walked away- not before Marinette's mother caught a glimpse of him.

"See, mom? Luka was with me!" She signaled, noticing how she had seen him too. Sabine’s reaction was not what Marinette expected. She had a look Marinette’ had never seen before on her mother’s face: a mix of anger, sadness and fear. Her words only amplified the bad vibrations she was giving off.

"Marinette. You should stay away from that man" she coldly warned her daughter.

Marinette was confused. "Why?"

"Just stay away from him, please"

Why? Why did she have to stay away from Luka? Why would her mother dislike him? Did she know him? Why did it feel like everyone was keeping secrets from her?

Marinette didn't plan to listen to her mother. No matter how massive was the concern and fear her face reflected.

[whentherewerebicycles]

You seem to be really amazing at executing planned changes with food and exercise (and also generally better psychological habits) - can i ask for advice on this? I’ve finished up studying for now and realise my body has turned into a twisted up, pudgy, weakened wreck! Exercise hurts and sugar/processed food feels so cosy and I can’t seem to get through this part where i have to feel discomfort for a while before i feel better!

What works for you? Should i read that atomic habits book you mention? I saw another one recommended - the Kindness Habit - do you know anything about it?

(I tried journaling btw - but it didn’t get me anywhere)

hello!! i can share some things that have worked for me when it comes to implementing longer-term changes in diet and exercise. these seem really simple but i think that actually making big lifestyle changes is much less about summoning up colossal amounts of willpower and much more about making small but important tweaks to the way you think about/approach diet and exercise. here are five things that have been helpful to me.

(1) don’t think of diet changes in terms of restrictions (i.e., “what delicious cozy sugary things do i have to deprive myself of today to be Good”). instead, approach diet changes as a fun little game of adding in as many good things as possible (fruits, veggies, leafy green things, nuts of all kinds, whole grains, beans, etc.). every single time you are preparing a meal or looking for a snack, describe it to yourself as a chance to be creative and resourceful, as you think about fun ways to add in small good things every time you eat. especially in the early weeks, don’t restrict foods from your diet at all. focus solely on finding a creative way to add in something healthy and delicious every time you eat. (i really liked using the daily dozen checklist when i was starting out—they have an app and it’s very satisfying and fun to see how many things you can check off the list each day.)

(2) narrate this “adding-in” game aloud to yourself. for example: “oh—what if i eat a big handful of berries on top of that ice cream?”, or “i’m hungry—ooh, there are carrots in the fridge, aren’t there? i’ll eat three carrots with hummus before i switch over to pita chips”). and every time you figure out a creative way to add in a good food, stop and observe yourself doing it, and let yourself feel a little spark of delight at how clever and creative you’re being. this sounds silly, but i swear it works! part of changing your habits is changing self-talk & especially changing the kind of running narrative you have in your head about who you are and what you do. you can change that narrative in part by repeatedly reframing the way you tell it to yourself, ideally aloud (or aloud in your head) to help you can better “hear” and internalize the new story. instead of “ugh... i ate ice cream again. why don’t i have any self-control? why am i someone who just eats like crap?”, you’re offering your brain an alternate story, one that focuses less on things you perceive yourself as lacking, or on things you ‘failed’ to do, and more on the creative, positive things you did do (“i wasn’t going to eat any fruit today, but wasn’t it great that i remembered we had those frozen berries in the fridge? that’s pretty creative and resourceful of me, and plus it’s a good way to use up something i’d forgotten i even had”).

the “noticing and feeling delighted” part is just as important. to successfully change a habit, you need to find creative ways to make the new habit pleasurable in and of itself. the more pleasure you feel when you do it, the more self-reinforcing the habit itself becomes. you might not experience eating healthy foods as intensely pleasurable (at least at first, especially if you are comparing them with the intense brain-hacking pleasure that super sugary foods give us). so don’t try! instead, focus on making the choice a source of pleasure and delight. "look at how clever i was! look at how creative i can be! look at what a good choice i made! look at how good i am at this game of adding in!” that act of stopping, narrating, and letting yourself feel genuinely pleased with what you’ve just done makes the choice to add something in pleasurable, which in turn can help fuel your sense that this isn’t about having iron willpower or about cruelly depriving yourself of delicious things, but is about playing a fun little game with yourself, creating little challenges or puzzles for yourself throughout the day and then giving yourself positive reinforcement when you figure them out.

(3) manage your environment to set yourself up for success. to paraphrase the atomic habits book: the people who seem to have the best willpower are the people who have to exercise it the least. and they have to exercise it the least because they’ve very effectively managed their environment, arranging things so that the desired choices are easy and “frictionless,” while the undesired choices or habits are more inconvenient or introduce more friction (it’s harder to get to them).

the easy starter version of this (from atomic habits): put the things you want to eat in highly visible places and/or in appealing arrangements, and put the things you don't want to eat in places that aren't visible or that are inconvenient to access. ice cream goes in the very back of the fridge, buried behind all the other stuff. nuts go in a bowl on your desk so that you can idly snack on them while you work. apples and bananas go in a big brightly colored bowl right on the counter, so that every time you pass through the kitchen your eyes are drawn to them. chips go in the bottom cupboard, the one below eye level that you don't use very often, and when you get them out you pour some into a bowl and put them right back in there (instead of leaving the bag out on the counter). make the choice you want to make easy, and make the choice you don't want to make harder to get to.

eventually, the most effective way of managing your environment is just to exercise total control over what comes into your own living space. for me, if i don’t want to eat it, i don’t have it in the house. i typically also place a curbside delivery grocery order so that i don’t have to go into the store—anything that comes into my house is something i made a deliberate choice about ordering, not something i wandered by a shelf and added to my cart because i wanted a treat. something i’ve learned about myself over the years that moderation is just not in my vocabulary—i’m an all-or-nothing person, and it’s SO much easier for me to just not have stuff i don’t want to eat in the house. no ice cream in the house. no alcohol in the house. no fried things, no chips, no candy, etc etc. if someone kindly brings me baked goods that i did not ask for, i genuinely appreciate the gesture, but as soon as they leave i give them to my next door neighbor or dump them in the trash. (SORRY TO PEOPLE WHO BAKE FOR ME!) if it's in the house i'll eat it. if it's not, i won't, and i also won't miss it.

i did do this pretty gradually at first, though! when i switched to a primarily whole food plant-based diet, i focused on playing the adding-in game for a couple weeks, and then when i started getting competitive about it i decided to use my grocery order as a way of creatively boosting my fruit/veggie/etc consumption even more, and in the process i started winnowing out things that took away chances to add in a good thing. i would say it took about three or four weeks to get to my personal ideal state of Nope I Don't Have It In The House.

it takes time, but i’d say that within a month of having only things you want to eat in the house, your cravings will be gone, at least within your own managed environment (going to restaurants or traveling DOES require you to exercise willpower, but there are ways to prepare for this in advance). the good news, though, is that 6-8 months or so of eating like this usually brings with it such improved sleep, mood, energy levels, skin, hair, GI function, etc etc that you start to be like oh my GOD why would i want to eat that horrifying thing?? I KNOW HOW BAD IT MAKES ME FEEL!! I WANT TO POWER MY BODY WITH PLANTS!!!!! in other words, the pleasurable side effects of eating well becomes positively reinforcing in its own right, while the negative effects you experience when you reintroduce sugar or fried things tends to reinforce the idea that those foods Feel Bad.

(4) it's not exercise, it's movement. i too used to hate exercise and found it extremely painful and tedious and horrible. so instead of exercising i just started moving. i canceled my membership at the local dog bar, where i had been taking my dog almost every day to let him run off excess energy, and started talking short walks with him twice a day instead. if you don’t have a dog, offer to walk your friends’ dogs—trust me they will lose their MINDS with joy lol. i think that starting to build in regular walks is the best way to get active again, because walking is typically quite pleasant and it becomes positively reinforcing to like, wave at the same neighbors every day, and see the cute kids next door running around, and notice all the ways that the trees and flowers are changing, and so on.

if you do not find being outside inherently pleasurable (sometimes i do not lol esp if i’m grumpy about having to walk the dog), tie another pleasurable activity to your daily walk. i listen to about six hours’ worth of hockey podcasts a week and i am only allowed to listen to them on my walks, so i end up looking forward to the walk because i’m desperate to hear people talk about My Guys. you can also walk with friends, or call a friend while you’re walking, which is even better than podcasts!! social walks are so much fun and go by so much more quickly. i started out just doing daily 15 min walks, and over the past couple years have built up to walking between 60-90 min a day when i’m at home. sometimes i hate/dread my walk; sometimes i love it and look forward to it. but regardless of how i’m feeling, i do it every day and if i miss it once, i don’t miss it a second time. 

as far as activity goes, i think it’s totally ok to just be a person who walks a lot! but i’ve found that becoming someone who walked a lot helped change my own narrative of myself—I started to think of myself as a walker, an active person who moved a lot every day. and that made it easier to pick up other forms of activity too, or at least to adopt a curious, exploratory attitude towards other forms of movement. also once you start tracking your active minutes you tend to get quite competitive about it! or at least i do, lol. i keep a note on my phone where i write down the date + type of activity + total number of minutes I did after every burst of activity, then at the end of the week i add it all up and compare it to the previous weeks. it makes me want to do more, to beat my own numbers—or it makes me want to keep up a streak (like, if i have a five-week period where i’ve consistently hit a certain level of active minutes every week, i don’t want to break it!!).

my biggest suggestion for exercise, though, is to figure out what kinds of things you enjoy and what kinds of things you don’t, and then to spend all your time doing things you like. i HATE structured fitness classes and workout videos. i hate them so much!!!!!!!! but i love being outside, i love doing solo activities (as opposed to group workouts), and i love doing any form of movement that doesn’t feel like a Planned Workout, capital w. also becoming a hockey fan got me really interested in skating, so i picked up rollerblades and found that to be amazingly fun too (something i can do outside AND something that feels like gliding around effortlessly AND something that makes me feel closer to My Favorite Guys!!!!). you may not have passionate feelings about hockey fandom as i do, but i think it’s really just about being creative—finding a creative way to link something you don’t love to something you do love, or find pleasurable, so that you can start forging those positive associations. 

i spent my first couple years of being more active just walking walking walking, and then this past year during the pandemic when i really ramped up my movement i added in longer walks, hikes, and rollerblading, and i also looked for ways to “habit-stack,” ie attaching an activity i don’t much care for (running; exercise biking indoors; doing squats and lunges) to one i do enjoy (i take my tennis shoes when i go skating and then go for a run immediately afterwards, before i have time to talk myself out of it). there are still all kinds of things i don’t do—i really don’t love strength training + bodyweight exercises yet, and i hate stretching even though I Know I Should, and i know that if i want to get stronger and faster, or build up my endurance, i will eventually need to introduce some element of structured training into my daily movement.

BUT the idea of making those changes seems kind of cool to me now, instead of Horrifying and Dread-Inducing! i feel like all the positive associations i’ve forged have made me more curious and open to ideas i would’ve resisted with my whole being not all that long ago. i found a way to make movement pleasurable, and then (thanks to sports fandom + my tendency to go down research rabbitholes) i found a way to get myself intellectually and emotionally engaged in the general concept of being a highly active person. for me, that combination of real pleasure + intellectual/emotional stimulation is what i personally need to build & maintain good habits.

(also, just shoehorning this in at the end because i like it: the “it’s movement, not exercise” mindset shift was also really helpful to me because it stopped me from thinking of exercise as like, this highly structured, regimented, torturous thing you forced yourself through for a set period of time each day, and helped me instead think of movement as something that humans are designed to do & to naturally enjoy. instead of Forcing Myself to Exercise, i looked for more natural-feeling forms of movement that didn’t feel so artificially divided from my “real life.” i think that helped with reframing my self-narrative, too! it made being active feel more integrated into my daily life, which in turn made it easier to think of myself as an active person, someone for whom movement was just a normal part of daily life and not a thing i had to psych myself up to do every day.)

(5) it takes time to build good habits, but not nearly as much time as you might think, and eventually you stop thinking about how long you’ve been doing something and you just start enjoying it (ie it becomes a genuine change in your lifestyle/thinking, not an artificial thing you have to work hard every day to maintain).

i am not yet AN ATHLETE and may never be, but i often remind myself that it took me a little under 30 years to build up a PROFOUND aversion to exercise, so it’s actually kind of miraculous that in just two years i’ve become someone who genuinely, earnestly, enthusiastically enjoys being active and feels antsy/weird/restless when i can’t get out of the house and move. every small stride i’ve made has strengthened my trust in myself and helped me reframe the narrative i tell myself about what kind of person i am and what i do/don’t do. every time i do the thing (whether it’s exercising or making a delicious healthy dinner) & happily notice myself doing it, i reaffirm to myself that i’m the kind of person who takes care of my body and mind by eating well and spending lots of time moving outside. (as a side benefit, when i spend a lot of time happily noticing things and speaking encouragingly to myself, i also reaffirm to myself that i am a happy person who treats myself kindly and who is always eagerly seeking out experiences that feel joyful and life-affirming.)

plus, the more often you do something, the more opportunities you have to have positive experiences while doing it! not every walk is AMAZING, LIFE-CHANGING, DEEPLY FULFILLING, but like, if i am walking seven days a week, that’s seven opportunities for something cool or fun to happen on a walk (not to mention seven opportunities to reap all the physiological & emotional well-being benefits of exercise!!). and if i am really conscious and intentional about noticing and actively delighting in those positive experiences, i help wire in those positive associations more deeply, and my brain/body increasingly comes to associate movement with happiness, joy, and fulfillment. as the habit of being more active becomes fulfilling in and of itself, i don’t have to expend as much energy tricking or cajoling or bribing myself into doing it.

*

i hope this helps!! i am literally always happy to write extremely long essays in respond to simple anon questions, lol, so if you want to talk more about your own ideas for building better habits please do share!! i can also rec you specific books that i’ve found really useful—both for just like, helping me figure out how to make big changes, and also for providing that intellectual stimulation that gets me more engaged in wanting to eat well & be more active.

(also, on the extremely slim chance that you are also a hockey fan: over in my fandom sphere, we are organizing a fun summer thing inspired by one of our fave hockey players, where we’ll be planning lots of fun fannish community things to get ourselves moving this summer. it’s going to be a good time!!)

[raichijin]

⋆͛♡⋆͛ the hangover; mirio edition.  ❥ a one-shot.

━━━━━ 𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐂𝐇𝐈𝐉𝐈𝐍 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓. (tba)

preface; writing this was honestly so painful. a testatment to why i should never 1.) do collabs ever 2.) write long things. i am drained.

word count; 5k words.

starring; mirio, mina, shinsou, denki, unnamed boyfriend.

summary; after your boyfriend forgets about your anniversary, you spend some time with friends to forgive and forget about what happened. then it gets worse.

warnings; reader gets called some nasty names towards the end of the fic. watch out for that.

you were supposed to be spending this weekend with your boyfriend. at a resort, poolside, on vacation, or on a beach, or where ever he’d fancy peeling off the nice (read: expensive) swimsuit he’d gotten you for your five year anniversary.

he was kind, is kind, but not as committed to your relationship as he was to his job. not even a call as the clock struck midnight, almost an hour past your reservation, but a text the morning after with a short apology, and the sudden announcement that he’d be working late. again. you didn’t cry. wouldn’t, because shedding tears would cause a mess and a headache, and self-doubt is what’s tucking you in at night, telling you that maybe for tonight, tomorrow and the day after your feelings don’t matter.

cause his job is the one keeping you afloat. (your interest in the arts is cute, to him; like a hobby. nothing you could stay afloat with. it’s too risky, he insists, so to you, it became nothing. to others? it became offhand remarks at his high-end office parties. a joke to your in-laws. a breathed sigh of relief from your parents.) so more time is what’s best for the both of you.

that has to be it.

your friends figure out something might be wrong when you go ghost for days, bordering on a week.

you mention how it’s easy to lose track of time when you’re by yourself as you are, but they don’t buy it. say you need to loosen up, take a vacation of your own even when you say you don’t need it because you’re not working, give you sharp glares whenever you object. you don’t know why you thought you had a choice in the matter — especially when mina’s sugar mommy gives her enough money to afford 2 full suites at one of the most expensive hotels in the area.

denki also tags along, just cause, and brings his boyfriend; shinsou, with him.

if they know what’s going on, they never mention it. 

and it’s a little easier to cope that way.

you dip your toes, ease yourself into the night, before you’re being pulled into the deep end and your mind’s been left at the door, but your body is having a field day.

you should’ve blacked out two margaritas ago.

you think you did.

you’re too drunk to recall all of the rash decisions you made, or whether or not you maxed your credit card, but you’ve must’ve gotten separated from your friends somewhere along the way, because when you wake up, you are distinctly not in your bed, not in a tastefully decorated room, not in a hotel.

and mina, shinsou, denki? unless they’re in the adjacent room, they’re not here with you either. you’re still in your clothes from last night. your shirt is missing a button and you don’t have your shoes on, but beyond that, you’re perfectly fine.

a scraggly bed head lies next to you, who is, notably, more nude than you are.

he has no shirt. no shoes. no pants. his blonde hair is unruly and you’re so shocked you actually start to wake up. your eyes widen and you’re sitting up so fast you’re a bit dizzy from the sudden motion.

the room is spinning and you feel sick, the headache behind your eyes making you want to grind your molars into dust. and just as quickly as you sat up, you lay back down; shaking the bed with the force. the guy next to you isn’t as heavy of a sleeper as you hoped, though. he blinks open tired eyes, showing you the most exquisite navy blue, and the little bit of drool dripping down his chin might’ve been cute if he wasn’t a complete stranger.

though you can’t stave off the creeping anxiety, the silence as he comes to his senses doesn’t feel wrong, and you’re more confused than scared.

he rubs his eyes with the heel of his palm, and gives you a criminally bright smile, and though his voice is wrecked when he says “...g’morning, sunshine.”, you doubt yours sounds much better. 

the nickname makes you feel fuzzy, if only for a second.

“i, uh … good morning?” you sound awkward, but the guy manages to find humor in your predicament when he chuckles gently, sitting up without so much as a second thought. you can see more of his body when he does so, and when his hand comes up to ruffle his hair, you can catch the glint of a silver band, resting on his ring finger. 

then everything clicks into place.

did you cheat? was he cheating?

all of the things you’d been beating yourself up over settle thick over top like smoke clouds and a raging fire. you feel like you’re suffocating, and don’t realize you’re freaking out until a strong hand is wrapping around yours, which, in your panic, you squeeze.

you spot a matching ring on your hand, that you know for a fact wasn’t there before,

and you think that’s when you pass out.

you wake up (again) to a room with tacky but charming decor, the smell of breakfast, and considerably less of a headache than what you started with. now more lucid, with the strength in your body to walk and think, your first priority is finding your phone. you tap your pockets, check the bedside drawer and tables, under your pillow, in the cracks of the bed, under the bed.

no cigar. you’re digging through miscellaneous memorabilia, trinkets and clothes that aren’t yours for at least a minute before the guy you were laid up in bed with comes back to just to see you picking through the corners of his bedroom, banana in hand.

he stands in the doorway and clears his throat. he has clothes on this time, pants. “you’re awake? are you feeling any better?”

you startle, straighten your back and stand upright, your arms falling to your sides. “um, kind of. i — have you seen my phone?”

he shakes his head, offers you the banana. “you should have this though! it’ll fix that hangover, i think.”

“i … thanks.” standing and eating a banana in someone else’s bedroom is certainly … a time.

“i made some breakfast,” he says when you’re halfway finished, “if you want some.” he ends with a smile, and you feel those 3 shots of serotonin go straight to your brain.

granted, you shouldn’t be that happy.

he takes the lead and turns around, leading you down a narrow hallway into a quaint kitchenette with a lovely beach view and all the good summer vibes condensed into a single, small room. it makes your heart hurt even more when you realize you have someone home, someone expecting you to come back.

to a hollow apartment, a cold bed, a lukewarm welcome.

you have to force your brain to be quiet to even hear a fraction of what blondie is saying.

“alcohol basically just dehydrates you. the potassium stops that, gets you all your minerals and stuff back. i heard it works with beer, so i was thinking it works for other stuff too!” he sounds so chipper that it brings your mood up just to hear his voice.

so bold and sure, warm and kind.

“but if it doesn’t clear up in 30 minutes, i have some advil i can give you! don’t want you having a headache all day now.” he’s sitting you down at his small table and sliding some pancakes in front of you, some orange juice. eating feels like a chore, but you know you have to, or that you should try at least.

while you push around your food, blondie chatters away, and even if you just met, he has you entranced by the way he speaks. smooth like the butter on his toast as his stories flow effortlessly into one another, how easily he can chat you up is amazing; getting you from gentle chuckles to full blown belly laughter before you can get your first bite in.

there’s lulls in the conversation if you count the moments he takes to actually eat, but he keeps you on your toes with his personal anecdotes, and questions about yourself, forcing you out of your shell, little by little.

the thought of your boyfriend pushed back into the depths of your mind.

until you broach the topic of your friends.

you learn quickly that he’s a good listener, completely silent unless prompted, asking questions or making jokes only when you’re finished speaking. when he asks, you tell him about the ones that got you here, shinsou, denki and mina.

his eyes flash momentarily, a look of recognition, or maybe understanding, passing over him. he hums gently, head swaying as he does so.

“they’re a little rough around the edges but they’re like family, you know?”

“i get what you mean. they were very nice when i met them. especially at our wedding!” he sips his coffee.

“i — are you alright? you’re choking!” that you are. the guilt you felt when you first woke up and the rising panic ram into your gut like a freight train, and suddenly, you don’t want to eat anymore.

"what do you mean we're married?" you rub small circles into your forehead as this idyllic morning goes right back to being cruel hell. 

"yesterday, at the chapel," he twists his wedding ring with warm familiarity that makes your stomach churn. "i can't really believe it myself, like maybe we were meant to be? i know the universe works in strange ways like that."

you're sorry to burst his bubble, but you save the happily ever afters for fairy tales, not real life.

you pinch your forehead and heave an exasperated sigh.

"i have a boyfriend." you wrap your arms around yourself, trying to seek lost comfort. "and we don't know each other to begin with. can't even remember your name, i was so drunk."

you cradle your face in your palms, feel his stare bore into the top of your head.

"togata." you perk up.

“what?”

“my name. it’s togata. mirio togata.” 

“oh.” you rub your cheeks, pull them back with the heels of your palms.

“that’s a nice name.” an uncomfortable silence washes over you both before someone speaks up. mirio.

“so what do you want to do?”

you answer a little bit too fast in response. “i don’t know. i … i should call my friends. i still need to find my phone—” you stand up, ignore the onslaught of nausea, and look around the kitchen.

“help me look? and then … and then we can figure out all the other details later.” mirio carries both your plates to the sink, and busies himself with dishes for a brief moment, allowing you to find the bathroom nook and reorient yourself. you fix yourself up a bit, straighten out your shirt and fix your hair up. no time to take a shower.

you cup a hand in front of your mouth, breathe and sniff. eugh. 

“hey, uh, togata; got an extra toothbrush?” his heart might’ve lept when you called him by his given name.

“um! yeah!” rushing water obscures his voice a bit, but if he shouts he’s loud enough to hear. “check under the sink? i should have some there.”

“thanks.”

you rummage around in his cabinets, and in that time he’s managed to clean up the leftover food and put a shirt on. 

your phone having gotten lost or being stolen becomes more of a possibility the longer you think about it. you doubt you came back to his house to do anything but sleep. how many places could you have dropped it? you come out of the bathroom to mirio sitting back at the kitchenette table, holding his phone in his hand.

“hey togata … do you think you can call me?”

“i mean, sure, but i don’t know if i have your number...”

your anxiety makes you a bit snippy even when you don’t mean to be rude, but you can apologize when you get your phone back.  ”just give it to me then. i’ll do it.”

it rings a few times before someone picks up, which is a step up from going to voicemail, and the situation goes from okay to great when the croaky voice of shinsou answers, worn out and tired, but awake enough to make a greeting.

he says you’re not here to pick up the phone right now, you interrupt and say that this is you, and that you just borrowed togata’s phone to figure out where yours was.

“togata? who?” 

“my, my um. husband.” gingerly said, you can see mirio tense up in the corner of your eye.

“oh,” someone’s snickering away from the mic. denki probably. you can’t help but roll your eyes. “mirio?” you’re upset that he can remember his name but you couldn’t. “how is he?” you shoot mirio a look, he gives you a thumbs up.

“good. so, uh, where are you guys?”

two hours away. they’re two hours away by car and mirio’s pickup truck is exactly what you’d expect from him. it’s big, beat up, it’s blue, and it’s his pride and joy, even if it’s slow to start up. if anything, it feels a bit humbling to hear the low hum of the buzzing engine. brings you back down to reality, out of the lap of luxury.

reminds you of the way mirio laughs with his whole chest. that gentle, rumbling purr.

you’re sinking into the crunchy leather seat with a groan, then a laugh from togata; to which you swat at him. you give him the address so he can set it up with his gps, and get going. he messes it up a bit and then it’s your turn to laugh, much to his displeasure. he blushes from the embarrassment, and you pat his shoulder, still chuckling. it feels natural. waking up together. having breakfast together. unofficial road trip to meet back up with your friends because you got blackout drunk and are 100 miles away.

oh, right. you sigh softly and mirio looks over, thinking to comfort you by turning on the radio, greeted by soft pop and slow guitars.

the silence carries.

fifteen minutes into the drive, he thinks to ask about your boyfriend.

“what’s he like?” togata drums his fingers on the wheel with an air of anxiety almost, though you can’t imagine why he would be — unless he thinks you won’t react well to his question. you don’t mind however, and sate his curiosity without as much as a glance.

“oh, he’s nice,” your statement lacks the enthusiasm you’d expect when someone talks about their significant other. it seems sincere, yet exhausted.

“buys me whatever i want, when i want it, loves his job to death, and … we were supposed to be celebrating our anniversary this week.” dejection is visible in the way you slouch your shoulders, interest waning. mirio can’t help but exercise a little concern, filling in the gaps while he’s at it..

“and you couldn’t, because you came here?” you shake your head.

“what? no. i came here because he was too busy, and my friends thought i could still have some fun on my own. his job is important to him.”

“and your relationship isn’t?” your eyes narrow, glaring at him from the passenger's seat.

“the fuck’s that supposed to mean mirio?” 

“well, an anniversary is supposed to be more important than some job— don’t you think he should just take a day off? it wouldn’t hurt.” you lean against the car door, shoulder propping your head up as you peer out the window.

“i mean, i guess. but he’s keeping us afloat, so i can’t really complain.” togata’s eyebrows shoot up.

his tone is incredulous. “what, you don’t work?”

seeing you cringe away out of the corner of his eye is what makes him back track almost immediately.

“i’m so sorry! i’m — wow, that was completely out of line,” your embarrassment lessens when he apologizes, and you inhale sharply. 

“don’t worry. it’s, it’s fine.” you can’t help the way your fingers dig into the flesh of your arm, gnawing the inside of your cheeks, afraid of getting laughed at. mirio wouldn’t laugh at you, would he? 

“i, i used to make music. i was in a band in highschool, actually.” though mirio’s forced to keep his eyes on the road lest you two crash, you can see the way his smile reaches his ears, the silent ‘wow’ of awe making your cheeks heat up. high brow company doesn’t have much use for your talents unless it’s the violin, or something else that fits their lame-ass agenda. your bass chills in the back of your closet, a relic of the past, but a neat decoration.

you shake your head, too caught up in your own train of thought that you didn’t realize togata was speaking.

“i’m sorry, what’d you say?”

“oh! i was just curious, i asked if you sing?” you snort, then full on laugh, though mirio doesn’t seem to get the joke.

“oh, hell no. i don’t have the voice for it, nor the patience to do vocal training. i just played bass! thought it was easier than guitar because it only had 4 strings. i was wrong. maybe i could … show you sometime? i mean, it’s been a while, but i think i remember a few songs: have you heard of seven nation army?”

you talk with mirio about music at length, and learn that he’s a pretty big enthusiast himself and while he’s never played an instrument, he’s been interested in learning guitar. he brings up your band, and the memories of your senior year come flooding back; mina and denki convincing you to audition, your stage fright, recruitment later in spite of it. 

mirio can see the stars in your eyes when you speak, speaking so animatedly with clear adoration at the topic at hand, and he starts getting a creeping suspicion that back where you’re from, you don’t get to talk about this as nearly as much as you like. he realizes in the same breath that he doesn’t mind indulging you. he participates enough so you don’t feel like you’re chatting his ear off, but quiet enough to hear you fill in the empty space.

the way your hands move as you tell stories is adorable and so is your enthusiasm, he could hear you ramble for hours and never get bored. and he nearly does, it’s been an hour and you’re still talking — but then you take a breath, and apologize for no good reason.

he squints at you, confused.

“what’re you apologizing for?”

“i’ve been talking waaaaay too much. i’ve barely heard a word out of you for the last thirty minutes!”

“i thought you were having fun! i know i liked listening. besides, it looks like that you don’t get to talk enough about the stuff you enjoy. i’m willing to listen, so talk all you want!” the assumption makes you furrow your brow, and you hate that you feel like he’s right. 

your boyfriend either talks about his job, your friends, his parents, or nothing at all. no interest in music. no time for it. your friends enjoy reminiscing on occasion, but you don’t speak enough to them to get all nostalgic.

it’s … nice that he takes your feelings into consideration. you smile to yourself, saying nothing in response.

“we’re getting closer to the hotel — it’s 30 minutes away now.” it gets quiet again, before all the sounds you hear are the other cards and the slow hum of low volume music you’d forgotten about, coming from the radio. you turn towards the window to take in the scenery while mirio catches glimpses of you in his periphery, surprised at how adorable you look, doing even the most mundane of things.

mirio couldn’t remember much from the night before, well, can’t remember anything that wasn’t you. you weren’t completely out of it when you met him, but he could’ve misjudged, considering he wasn’t quite in his right mind either. didn’t know if it was the alcohol that made you so bold, but everything about you was so charming. 

from something as simple as your smile to how easily you chatted him up, despite his tendency to be a tad overbearing, you would take him and his attitude in stride. running around town, dipping in and out of nightclubs with your friends close behind, getting kicked out of said clubs, dancing and laughing together in another—

he huffs, pouting to himself. your boyfriend was so damn lucky.

he steps on the gas and starts going a little faster. you don’t seem to mind.

the rest of the trip was silence, and it wasn’t until he parked and stepped out of the car and said something.

“wow.” he whistles, low and long, until you pinch his arm to stop from attract the stares of passerby. “you guys could afford this? gosh. that’s like, three of my paychecks, maybe.” you chortled as he helped you out, quick to clear up any confusion.

“not me,” you walked in the lobby with him, going straight to the elevators after checking in with the front desk. “i could barely afford it! mina’s … uhm, girlfriend, paid for a room for all of us.” he arches a brow at the emphasis on girlfriend, but if he has any objections, he holds his peace.

“mmh. wonder what it’s like to be rich.” 

you laugh as you’re carried up a few floors, specifically to the more expensive suites, at least 12 floors up. “me too dude! mina is lucky.”

you’re barely knocking on the room door before denki is throwing it open and screeching, ushering you both in. they remember mirio from last night, which is upsetting, considering they don’t remember anything else: not how you got to mirio’s house, not how they got back home. not how they found your phone in the bathroom either, apparently.

“speaking of bathrooms, i’m gonna take a shower. keep mirio company, i guess." 

you have to look through your luggage for a change of clothes, and find your phone on your bed in your room, charging and you don’t think about going through it until after you’re clean.

coming back to nearly forty notifications from your boyfriend wasn’t on the agenda, and quite frankly, might’ve been a sign. some were calls but most were all lower case texts, each more foreboding than the last. holding your towel up with one hand, you scroll through your messages with the other.

 what the fuck is wrong with you?

 who the hell is this guy?

beneath it, a video of you and togata. your pupils dilate, and a deeply rooted sense of dread clutches your heart. it looks like a screen recording off of denki’s instagram account, of you two dancing. not overtly scandalous, but too close for comfort.

have you been cheating on me? 

for how long

how desperate are you? i say i have a business trip and you take it as an excuse to slut it up somewhere else?

you’re fucking pathetic.

heart slowly sinking, threatening to beat out of your chest, you can’t find it in you to scroll through the rest. you barely have pants on before you’re calling him up, frenzied and feeling out of breath. the phone barely rings twice before you’re going to voicemail and hearing the beeping tone. 

fuck. fuck fuck fuck.

you hang up, and try again.

this time, he picks up on the first dial tone.

“baby?” you nearly yell into the microphone, while the other end remains silent.

“what is it.” his voice is hollow, not even asking a question; rather making a statement. you choke on your words, are quiet for a few seconds at most before he’s barking at you. “i don’t have all day. i’m busy.”

“t-that video. it wasn’t, it wasn’t anything—” something slams in the background that makes you flinch, and he takes it as a good opportunity to cut you off.

“so the wedding wasn’t shit either? the way he was holding you, looking at you like that, like some lovesick fucking puppy?”

“w-what? what’re you talking about honey? it’s nothing like that—”

“don’t get fucking cute with me. i’ve seen the photos. that girl mina doesn’t know how to not publicize your life.” you feel like dying. 

“i knew i should’ve never settled for you.”

“you don’t mean that—”

“shut the fuck up.” there’s more shuffling on his end, a deep sigh. you’re too shaken to speak. “i wasted so much on you. gave you a house, a home, just for you to repay the favor by being a two-bit whore, sit on your ass all day and complain, and waste my time with those stupid fucking hobbies of yours.” what’s more terrifying is that his voice doesn’t wane or waver. he means it.

“... honey, please. please just let me explain!” you hadn’t even noticed the tears until you’re wiping them off your cheeks, your sniffling getting louder until you’re full on sobbing.

“there’s nothing left to explain. get your shit out by tuesday. we’re done.”

the line goes dead after that.

you don’t realize how much time has passed since you went to go shower initially, only that it’s been a while, considering how urgently mina starts knocking on the door.

“baby, are you alright? you’ve been in there for half an hour!” you can’t find it in you to respond. all it results in is choking on your own words, coughing and sobbing and tears and this fucking headache.

you don’t want to be seen.

mina announces that she’s coming in, and conversation behind the door quiets down until you can’t hear it anymore. just your own thoughts. she opens it and finds you in the corner, your knees to your chest while you’re just barely dressed, hair soaking wet. crying feebly until she rushes over and asks what happened.

you show her your phone. the texts.

she wraps her arm around your back and helps you up. hands you a towel so you can finish drying yourself off, and picks out some clothes for you to wear. when she turns around, she’s greeted by the concerned faces of your friends. mirio.

her face morphs from a look of concern to pure rage.

“what the fuck!?” she all but snatches your phone away from you, to which you pull your hands back and cradle you legs again. “who the fuck does this asshole think he is?” she looks down at you just then, and sees the red in your eyes, the tear tracks that stain your cheeks and a few drops dripping off your chin. you need your help more than you need her rage and half hearted insults. 

“you yelled.” shinsou states plainly. “is everything alright?” mina approaches them and ushers everyone out, closing the door, presumably to give you some privacy.

you dress slowly, the few minutes feeling like an eternity before you’re reaching for the door handle, clean and feeling like shit, for different reasons other than a hangover.

when you emerge from your room, mirio gives you a hug.

a hug that you melt into. one that you weren’t expecting but squeeze him back just as hard, tears that didn’t quite make it out seeping into the spot where you press into his shirt. his arms are comforting and strong, rubbing and patting your back gently, until the room is silent beyond your heartbeat and your sniffles, your friends milling about in the background.

“he said i have to move out.” your fingers dig into togata’s shirt. “pack up all my stuff and leave but i don’t know where i’m supposed to go—”

there’s a smaller hand patting your back when mina speaks up.

“d-don’t worry.” you can feel her hugging you too, a special warmth blooming in your chest. 

“we’ll figure something out.”

while you’re leaving the hotel, mina makes a call to her girlfriend camie to explain the situation, and by the time you’re back in mirio’s pick up, she said that camie offered to rent you an apartment in her name. the earliest she can get it was by monday, so she offered to let you spend the night for a couple days as well. denki says that he and shinsou could help you with things around the house: shopping, redecorating, etc.

togata is the one who offers to help you get your stuff. you arrange the date for monday, actually exchange phone numbers, and meet up at 8.

it makes sense; his car has enough space in the back, you don’t have much of your own stuff, but you nearly regret accepting the offer in the first place. something about moving out with your … husband in tow doesn’t sit well with you. almost seems like it’s too soon. 

but mirio’s charming enough to make the whole ordeal seem less like a fever dream. you’re beaming at him by the time you’re all done, laughing and smiling and so infectiously happy. by the time you both wind down you’re out of breath, wheezing in the front seats of the car.

he smiles fondly at you.

you can feel your cheeks heat as you return the sentiment.

then both of you are back on the road. the musics louder this time, and you get to show him how shitty you sing; which he insists isn’t so bad after all. it’s after twenty minutes of this that you’re suddenly struck by the irony of it all. 

“i can’t believe our first date with you was me moving out of my exes apartment.” mirio chokes on his spit, cheeks bleeding red as he does a double take, eyes flitting from the road, back to you, back to the road.

“wait.”

“that was our date?”

𝔱 𝔞 𝔤 𝔩 𝔦 𝔰 𝔱 ;  @mitsusuri​ @okayshin​ @tamasoft

[velkynkarma]

Thank you for reblogging that post about how living as a single is just so damn hard! I'm a female single who loves being single bit it is so so hard to find any affordable housing, my taxes take up almost half of what I earn and the food waste makes me feel like a failure so often even though I KNOW it's not my fault alone. I'm currently trying to get out of my single room with a kittchen corner to a real flat and it almost feels impossible to find anyth so I really needed that post. Thank you.

No prob, anon. I’ve been there and I feel you, trust me. It took me like 3 years of dedicated searching before I found a place I could afford by myself, because I didn’t want to live in a teeny tiny studio, and anything more than a 1-bedroom is designed—and priced—with a couple or a family in mind. They suddenly become so much more affordable and realistic with a spouse’s income to add, or even dealing with a roommate...but what if you don’t want to live with a roommate? Too bad. It’s deeply frustrating. But you will get there, and I wish you the best of luck with your search.

As for food, I really feel you on the food bit. I’m not a big eater to begin with AND I’m single, so I buy a single pack of 3 pork chops because there’s nothing smaller, and that’s 3 meals right there. Things that spoil quickly, like veggies/fruits, dairy products, and meat, I always feel bad when they inevitably go bad before I can get through them, but I just can’t eat them fast enough and they always come in big packaging. It’s hard. With the pandemic it’s been even worse, because I can’t share anything I make, so I’ve had to cut things like baked goods out of my life entirely—because there’s no way I can go through a whole cake or pie, or 24 cupcakes, on my own. It also makes it kind of hard to do recommended healthy meals, because I can’t justify buying some of the ingredients when I know I just can’t get through them fast enough (like salads. I like salads, but I just can’t get through a head of lettuce or a premade bag of salad fast enough, or those containers of greens, and I feel terrible for throwing so much of it away). I’ve taken to doing instant pot meals a LOT because you can make a big batch of stuff and use it all, but then freeze it for later days.

It’s frustrating. I feel your pain. 

But I always like to remind myself of the plus sides! Here are mine:

I can bake, clean, or play music at whatever hour I want because it’s not gonna bother a roommate or spouse. Feel like banana bread at 11pm? I’m making my fucking banana bread at 11pm. Got the motivation to clean the bathroom at midnight? I’m cleaning the bathroom at midnight.

Never have to warn/ask anybody before I take a shower. (My hair is down to my waist, so showers take a while. When I lived at home, this was hands down one of the BIGGEST complaints, because there was only 1 bathroom and it would not be accessible for a while).

My entire home is my ‘introvert recharge place.’ I don’t have to sequester myself in my bedroom to get much-needed alone time. If I want to chill and read a book in my living room without being bothered, I can.

Nobody can ever complain about my choice in video games, movies, music, etc

The TV is also always available for whatever I want to watch or play

My ‘organized chaos’ cleaning routines can’t bother anybody because it’s all mine and I know exactly where everything is

If I want to put my signed cartoon prints from VA’s on display in my living room, or my commissioned fanart, or my knicknacks and fandom interests, it’s my home and I can damn well do that

I have an entire second ‘bedroom’ in my 2-bedroom place ALL for me and my books, as my own personal library and study, and I don’t have to share it with a roomie or a kid

I can get whatever pets I want as long as they fit the complex restrictions because I don’t have to worry about a roommate or spouse being allergic to cats or scared of snakes

I don’t have to worry about other people in my place taking proper decontamination procedures, especially with the pandemic, because it’s my place and I control everything that happens in it. 

Living alone can be a huge struggle, especially with the way society is designed to make it difficult to do so and actively punishes people for not being in a relationship or at least having roommates. But there are great things about it too, and I do my best to remind myself of them.

Good luck with your living alone experience, anon!

[honey-subs]

an angst/fluff one: you're working for ceo!jinyoung (he looks so good in suits it should be illegal istg) as his personal assistant. he actually likes you quite a lot but due to the stress of being the ceo of one of the biggest companies he had to push you around all day not even being able to give you a minute to catch your breath if he wanted to. he still always kept a good eye on you though making sure that you're doing okay but that one time he hadn't been there you fainted (part 1)

part 2 to the ceo!jinyoung one he had been in a when it happened, you were on your way to make some copies taking the stairs as the elavator was broken. you hadn't been feeling well all morning but you forced yourself to work knowing that your boss (whom you had a crush on) needed your help. someone called out for you from behind as you nearly reached the bottom you spun around a bit too quickly as suddenly everything was spinning and you lost balance falling down the couple of stairs

this is legit turning into a secnario 3rd and last part (i hope) : an employee rushed into the meeting breaking jinyoung off. jinyoung was known for being a kind man as every employee was swooning for him because of his looks and personality, but the fact that the meeting had been quite important made him turn to the worker in annoyance, cocking an eyebrow at her. but before he could say anything he was broken off by her only now noticing how distressed the woman in front of him looked.

ceo!jinyoung second last part "it's y/n" she said, eyes watering as her voice quivered. jinyoung got worried he had a soft spot for you and this situation didn't look good. "where is she?" jinyoung asked not even caring what was up. he needed to get to you, to see you and hold you if you were in pain.. professionalism be damned. the woman told him where to find you and he rushed out after hastily dismissing everyone from the meeting. he ran to his office where you apparently were.

ceo!jinyoung (not) last part he ran to his office not caring how his own employees eyed him as he ran down the halls of the building. when he burst through the door there you were positioned on the small couch. he crouched down in front of you, wincing as he saw the small bruise on your cheek. he nudged you awake cautiously, when you woke up you told him everything that you remembered about. he took you into his trained arms after you finished. (still isn't the last part like i expected lmao)

ceo!jinyoung "can't you take care of yourself? i nearly had a heart attack when i heard about something happening to you. i thought that maybe you-" he stumbled over his own words pulling you even closer. you only realized what was happening when you felt a wet patch on your shoulder. jinyoung was crying. the strong ceo everyone admired, your crush was crying.. over you. you tried to pull away to look at him but he didn't let you. "can we just stay like this? i thought i lost you."

i gave up numbering the parts lmao- he never showed his vulnerability or softness to you so you were quite confused when he cried holding onto you for dear life. he eventually calmed down not daring to look at you, so you decided to take matters into your own hands. "why are you like this?" you asked him carefully as he was still your employer, you were on thin ice right now. "because i like you." shock was evident on your face. jinyoung took it as a bad sign. (jinyoung is a softie lmao)

ceo!jinyoung last part "y- you like me?" you stuttered out and jinyoung looked at you pain flashing in his eyes as he prepared himself for rejection. he nodded watching your reaction carefully. "it's okay.. i get it." he mumbled about to stand up but you turned him back to you. "i like you too you idiot." and with that you pressed your lips onto his your tounges fighting for dominance but as a whine left jinyoungs mouth you took control.. leaving the rest to your imagination lmao

CEO - Park Jinyoung

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

⤷pairing - jinyoung x (could be gender neutral?) reader

⤷genre - angst, fluff

⤷summary - the summary is basically up there lmfao aosjejsksj

⤷warnings -sub!jinyoung, dom!reader, fainting, boss x employee relationship, suggestive, mentions of injuries

⤷notes - long asf, so grab some popcorn.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

you knew the moment you accepted the job that your work would be hard. but did you imagine it’d be this hard? hell no. you’d never wanted to cuss out an inanimate object more tham right now — this morning as you woke up. you threw an arm over your eyes as you huffed out a sigh. you threw the blankets off your body and got up to get ready for the stressful day ahead. you didn’t really feel well, it felt like your head was splitting, and you tired to ignore it as you made your way to the bathroom.

you rolled your eyes as you looked at your reflection in the mirror, scoffing as you reached for a tooth brush. you had to rush a bit, moving quickly around your house as you multitasked — brushing your teeth as you searched for an outfit in your closet. you finally settled on some ripped skinny jeans and an oversized shirt.

you return to the bathroom to finish brushing your teeth, and eventually struggle to put on your outfit for the day. you finally exited your room and went to the kitchen to grab a banana nut muffin as your small breakfast. you hurry out or the door, yelling out a goodbye to your still-asleep-roommate.

it was a struggle to get through the bustling streets of your city, mumbling excuses as you pushed your way through the crowd. you sighed and shook your head when you made it to the coffee shop that your boss favored. the barista smiled at you, already knowing what you wanted before you even opened your mouth to speak.

“here you go, y/n! i hope your day goes well.” she says apologetically, knowing how hard mr. park could be on people, especially assistants. you smiled back at her before rushing out of the door with a goodbye.

it’s not that long of a walk to the office building you worked in, so you didn’t complain too much on the way there. mr. park operated in a tall business building, around 60 floors in the building alone; not including other branches that held specific professions. you pulled open the doors of the main building, and walked in — ready to start your long work day.

you too the elevator all the way up to the top floor, the 60th floor. you knock on the door three times, signifying that it was you and not anyone else. “come in.” your heard his smooth silky voice from inside the room, so you pushed the door open to step inside. he was standing up and fixing some misplaced files on his desk. he gave you a firm smile as he looked up for a split second.

mr. park himself couldn’t deny the bubbly feeling in his stomach he had when he saw you enter his office. he tried his best to push it down so that it wouldn’t interfere with his workplace. he hoped you didn’t notice the pink blush that spread across the tips of his ears.

“here’s your coffee, sir.” you place the coffee in a holder on his desk. and you don’t notice it — which he’s thanking the gods for. “thank you.” he says, not looking up, being more focused on his desk than you. finally, he does look up and he has a thick stack of papers in his arms. “here. take these, make around... 200 copies? thanks.” he gives you yet another tight smile. “is there anything else you need, mr. park?” you ask, a fake smile plastered to your face. “actually yes, after you make the copies, i need you to go to each wing and make sure they have the copies they need, if they don’t make a hundred per wing. i also want you to make sure checks are filed. i’ll be in a meeting later at about four, so i need you to clean my office a bit, thanks.” he says, moving to sit down. he hopes that was enough to keep you busy for the rest of the day so he wouldn’t have to suffer seeing your beautiful face again, he probably wouldn’t be able to control his words or blush if he saw you again.

you try to keep your look of disdain and annoyance off your face as the paper weighed your arms down. “anything else?” you asked through gritted teeth. “no, that’s all.” you exit the door, and exhale once you’re out. your headache has gotten worse since you left your apartment, almost loosing your balance as you became stressed at the mere thought of all you had to do. you huffed out a breath and got to work on going to the copy room.

as you’re on your 199th copy, your grumbling to yourself and shaking your head. ‘he’s lucky i have feelings for him.’ you thought to yourself, rolling your eyes. if you didn’t have feelings forhim, you most likely would’ve quit by now. the 200 copies you needed were finally finished, and you took them all, plus the originals, back up to his office via elevator.

“here are your papers, mr. park.” you told him, quickly pushing the papers onto his desk so you could do the task he had set for you next. “y/n, wait.” he told you, fixing his suit and tie, and trying to keep from stuttering out his sentence. “my meeting got pushed forward, so could you clean my office now before you do everything else, thanks.” it wasn’t a question, it was more of an order. he let his eyes linger onto you to make sure you were okay with all the tasks he pushed onto you — and you seemed okay for the most part. he pushed past you to leave his office and go to his meeting.

you heard the door close behind you, and you allowed your hands to fall to your sides with a slap. you sighed, and winced as a wave of pain from your headache washed over you. you groaned, doing your best to start cleaning. his office would be easy to clean, it wasn’t messy per se, it was just cluttered. you fixed papers around the room and put things in their respective places.

you were done quickly, within an hour or two, sighing as you shut off a light and left the office, on to do the next task. your headache-turned-migraine only got worse. you felt like you could’ve screamed when you found out the elevator was broken and out of order. you gifted your teeth and clenched your fists to keep from lashing out as you stomped your way to the stairs.

yet another wave of pain flowed through you as you made your way down the stairs. you paused for a moment to regain balance, placing your hand on the wall to steady yourself. “y/n? are you okay?” you spun around on your heel quickly to see who called for you. a major mistake.

it seemed like everything was moving in slow motion. your coworker looked at you with eyes wide with curiosity and concern. she still hadn’t register the fact that you were falling. your hand slipped off the wall, and your fell backwards. your migraine caused you to get dizzy with pain and fatigue, your eyes closing slowly. the last thing you saw was your coworker putting their hands over their mouth as they were frozen in place and watched you fall.

you felt your head tip back, and your back make contact with the hard edges of the stairs. your body folded and tumbled as continued to fall down the stairs. when the fuck did the staircase get so long? it felt like forever until you reached the ending stopping point, laying flat on your back. eyes closed.

the coworker couldn’t believe what she just saw. you were one of the most loved and important people at the business firm, and to watch you fall like that was scary. she immediately called for help, gaining he attention of many nearby people, telling them to help you to mr. parks office while she told mr. park himself.

she ran, as best she could considering her choice of shoes, towards the meeting room, barging in without making herself known. mr. park immediately turned to glare at one of his employees, and tell them off for interrupting the meeting, but he looked at the distress on her face and paused. “i-it’s y/n!” she says, eyes watering and tears beginning to fall. “what is it?” he asked urgently, moving towards her as he dismissed everyone from the meeting room. he put bass in his voice as he asked again. “what is it?” he stared her down. “she- she fainted as she was going to the west wing. she wasn’t moving after she fell!” she says, tears flowing freely down her cheeks.

“take me to her,” he says, trying not to imagine the worst. she nods for a short second before hurrying out of the meeting room, and jinyoung was not on her heels. he couldn’t help the thoughts that took over his mind. if something terrible did happen to you, it would’ve been all his fault. his fault for working her so hard just for his selfish benefit — so he could mask his own feelings.

she pushed open the door and allowed jinyoung to enter first before she did. he could feel his heart crumple at the sight of you, laying unmoving and unconscious on the small black couch in his office. “can you um, can you give us some alone time?” he asked, walking forward. the coworker along with the other two people in the room nodded, leaving immediately.

he looked down at you, biting his lip as he tried not to show his most vulnerable emotion. you were covered in bruises and marks, and apparently they had a doctor come because there was a bandage wrapped around your back and your head, and probably another place he couldn’t see. the moment he freed his lips from his teeth, it quivered immediately.

he wasn’t an emotional person, but seeing the person he was most likely in love with in a state like this, really broke him. he pulled up a chair and sat down, leaning his head forward.

he sat like that for awhile, ignoring everyone when they came and told him to eat. “why does everything hurt?” he looked up instantly to see you wincing as you tried to move. “my chest feels like that one time i had a cigarette. teen me lived for danger.” you mumbled, moving a hand to cup your head where you felt bandages. (i really hope someone got that reference) “hey, hey, hey, wait, you shouldn’t be moving so much.” he murmured, slowly leaning you back so that you were resting on a pillow again. “what happened? are you okay?”he asked, swelling the lump that formed in his throat.

“i’m fine. i guess i fainted..? the last things i remember are heading to the west wing to check on them, and someone called my name. i turned around to fast i guess and fell. i wasn’t feeling well prior to that though.” you explained, straining to remember what happened. he chewed on his lips, taking a deep breath. “can’t you take care of yourself? i thought something happened to you and you almost gave me a heart attack. everything would’ve been my fault and i just-“ he paused his words and leans forward, engulfing you in a hug. unsurely, you wrapped your arms around him as well.

soon you felt a wet patch on your shoulder. it shocked you a bit. everyone thought of him as this strong and thoughtful and all powerful CEO, yet here he was, crying over you because he thought he lost you. you pulled away slowly, trying to meet his eyes. he kept his head down, a slight sniffle came from him as he wiped his eyes and his nose. “are you okay, mr. park?” you asked, using a soft and comforting tone. he let out a bitter laugh. “it would’ve been all my fault. you would’ve- something terrible could’ve happened to you and it would’ve been because of me. because i couldn’t face my own feelings.” he smiled for a split second to keep more tears from spilling.

“what?” you asked confusedly, maybe it was the concussion, but nothing seemed to be making sense. “i like you, at this point maybe even love you. i understand its wrong because i’m your boss but the thought of loosing you today just broke me.” he said, sniffling again with a bitter smile. you couldn’t control the expression of shock on your face as your eyes widened considerably. your crush and boss just admitted his feelings for you.

“you like me?” you asked slowly, processing the information. clenching his jaw, he nodded, preparing himself mentally and emotionally for rejection and heart break. “i- uh, i completely understand.” he cracks a small smile. he begins to get up. “i’ll leave you alone so you can process every-“ you pull him down by his tie so that he was on top of you on the couch. you connected your lips with his slowly. he easily allowed you dominance which was surprising.

the both of you pulled away breathlessly. “i like you too.” you told him as you watched his cheeks tent red. he peels himself away from you, opting to sit beside you. it’s amazing how shy he got instantly after you pulled away, ears red as he played with his fingers. “i hope you know this means that i’m not taking my eyes off you. y’know, to make sure you don’t get hurt again,” he says with a nervous laugh.

“i won’t mind that.” you tell him, pulling him towards you again.

[mrs--wheels]

I made a human.

Yes, I made a human.  I gave birth to a baby boy!  Here’s my birth story: On Wednesday July 14th I went for my routine 36 week OB-Gyn checkup.  At that visit they did a sonogram and everything looked normal, baby was in the 46th percentile for size.  The Dr. checked my cervix and I was 2 cm dilated already.  My blood pressure was high, which it had been for 6 weeks, but I did not have preeclampsia (yet - I was borderline.)  The Dr. took me off work and said if I did not deliver by next week Thursday July 22 I would need to be induced.  My blood pressure was causing really bad swelling everywhere in my body, but especially my calves, ankles, feet and wrists.  I weighed 251 lbs at the checkup, about 55 lbs heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight.  So I went into work with my disability form all filled out and basically peaced out, said goodbye to a few of my coworkers and my boss, and I ain’t lookin’ back.  I went home, much to my husband’s surprise (he was working from home that day.)  I’d like to say I enjoyed the last week of my pregnancy but that’s not entirely true.  I was in terrible discomfort, especially my pelvis: I was having bad pelvic pain & pressure, so bad I could barely walk. The night of Monday July 19th I could hardly walk up the stairs to my bed, it hurt so bad.  I did have surprisingly restful night’s sleep that night, which was good because of what was to come... At 5 am on Tuesday July 20th, I rolled over in bed and felt a wetness.  Unsure if I peed myself or if my water broke, I went into the bathroom.  Clear fluid was running down my legs, and it didn’t smell like pee.  The puddle on my sheets didn’t either.  I called the OB-Gyn’s office from the bathroom. and the Dr. on call told me if contractions started on their own to head into the hospital.  If they didn’t start on their own, head in anyway but wait until after 8:30, 9 am.  So I took a shower, made some toast & a banana for breakfast, and unloaded the dishwasher.  Around 6 am I had my first contractions, but they weren’t too strong and they were about 7 or 8 minutes apart.  I woke up my husband and told him I thought my water broke, and I was having contractions.  He leapt out of bed and into the shower.  As I lay on the bed waiting for him, the contractions were coming closer together (4-5 minutes apart) and getting stronger.  My husband got dressed and I called my mom.  She said she’d meet us at the hospital and we grabbed the overnight bags and diaper bag and went straight to the hospital. My husband drove like a panicked maniac, and I was gritting my teeth in the passenger seat with every contraction.  We got to the hospital and I refused to let my husband get me a wheelchair, I wanted to walk in on my own.  I had a contraction in the parking lot and barely made it to the 2nd floor to Labor & Delivery.  By now it was around 7:30 am.  They took me into a triage room for a  workup, I changed into a gown, and a nurse put the fetal heart monitor on me.  I got to listen to that little galloping horse heartbeat, nice and strong.  In came a Dr. and 2 students, they did a history on me and after a very uncomfy pelvic exam it was determined I was 8 cm dilated and fully effaced!  (The student who first checked me said I was 4 cm... the actual Dr determined it was 8... kind of a big difference!)  The contractions were pretty much on top of each other by now, only a minute apart.  I was moved straight into the delivery room, without stopping in a labor room first. This was at around 9:30 am maybe? I got to 10 cm in less than than 2 hours, and ready to push.  I didn’t even have a hospital bracelet or an IV, things were moving way too fast.  The Dr. showed up fully gowned, and they got me on the table and ready to go.  This was the first time my mom was able to see me, she’d been waiting over an hour, since I was expected to be in labor a lot longer! I was ready to push at just before 10 am and I was absolutely terrified, I was so not ready.  I had a birth plan packed in my overnight bag.  In it, I requested an epidural.  I wanted pain meds, to be able to sleep and rest during labor... My husband brought his laptop, we had a bluetooth speaker ready to play music in the delivery room... All of this was shot right out the window.  I was terrified of the prospect of pushing, terrified of the pain.  I felt like I had to take a massive poop, and even screamed “I’m gonna poop!” in the delivery room.  My mom and the Dr were like “Just do it! That’s the baby coming out!”  I pushed maybe a dozen times? Twice for every contraction.  I squeezed my husband’s hand and felt my mom’s hand on my forehead.  I was drenched in sweat from head to toe and shaking like crazy.  They told me not to scream, that I was wasting energy I needed to funnel into pushing -  but, like, ok, it hurts!  I was hurling 4-letter words (and I never swear around my mom,) and gripping onto the back of the pillow under my head (which didn’t help the poor nurse still trying to stick an IV in my arm - they blew a vein in my left hand and ended up putting the IV in my right wrist - normally I’m bad with needles but I was in so much pain I didn’t even care.)  The fetal heart monitor wasn’t working anymore, because the baby was moving down the birth canal.  The excess skin & fluid on my lower abdomen made it difficult to get a reading, so a nurse was literally pushing the monitor hard into my belly, while I was trying to push at the same time.  Eventually they used an internal monitor, this thing that looks like a cattle prod that attached to the top of the baby’s head, under the scalp, through the cervix.  Luckily I didn’t know that had happened until after he was born. After about 15 minutes of pushing, and my poor crying husband looking like he was about to pass out (he hates seeing me in pain.) I gave birth to a baby boy at 10:14 am.  It’s the most bizarre feeling in the world: like I was a bottle of champagne and he was the cork.  I could feel everything since I had no drugs, the baby’s head and shoulders popping out and the gush of fluids afterwards. I did need a few stitches, I had a second degree tear, but I never felt that or the placenta being delivered. The whole room was in a flurry, there was at least 1 dozen people there - the Dr, an instructor, several students, nurses and my mom & husband.  I was the talk of labor & delivery that day: the first-timer who came in at 7:30 and had a baby less than 3 hours later.  The baby was put right on my chest after he was born.  I had my eyes closed pretty much the entire time I had been pushing, but I opened them when I felt that warm, wiggly little baby on me.  He was absolutely beautiful, rosy pink and screaming.  My husband said he was born with his eyes open, arms and legs flailing, and a very healthy set of lungs.  He scored a 9 on his one-minute Apgar and a 9 on the 5-minute too: the highest score you can get!  He weighed 6 lbs, 8 oz and was 20.25 inches long.  My husband cut the cord (squeamishly) and my mom and him just gushed over this perfect little guy.  I was exhausted but exhilarated, I felt triumphant!  I had given birth with no drugs, all natural, and made it out to tell the tale. I had no idea my body was capable of that, but it knew more than I did.... We (me, my mom, and my husband) were able to stay in the delivery room for 2 hours after the baby’s birth.  We finally agreed on a name (well, I proposed the name and wouldn’t take no for an answer - after all, who had just given birth anyways?)  We decided on Owen Paul.  Owen because I love the name and it means “warrior”, and Paul after my brother who passed away 19 years ago.  It somehow fits him perfectly, he looks like an Owen.  He’s got beautiful red-gold hair that swirls on his head, and dark blue eyes that I’m hoping stay that color.  I was able to start nursing him right away (my nursing journey is a story for another time, though...) and we were all able to bond.  It was a wonderful experience, and it is true what they say: you forget all the pain once you lay eyes on the little miracle.  Maybe it’s the huge rush of hormones that causes this amnesia, but it really is true.  I’d do it all over again!

I’ve lost nearly all the weight I gained during pregnancy, since it was pretty much all baby, placenta, amniotic fluid and the fluid that was blowing me up like a balloon.  I’m not in any pain, even with the stitiches. I only took a few Tylenol the first couple of days, I guess I have a pretty high tolerance!  I’m feeling good, all things considered, and healthy.  It’s nice not to have that constant pelvic pain anymore. Owen is going to be 2 weeks old tomorrow, and it’s been a huge adjustment (an obvious understatement.)  The days are long, but the years will be short - everyone tells me that.  It’s frustrating, and miserable and so so so tiring.  But they are only babies for such a short time, I plan on enjoying every minute of him!  He’s the best thing I’ve ever made.

[ifandomalot]

This is Love. (1/3)

Summary: Steve is captured by hydra, they use you as a toy for him. A sick game they play. He can't help but notice how much you hate touch, or any kind of human interaction. When his team rescues him, he takes you with him and shows you what love is.

Warnings: unexpected pregnancy eventuality, kidnapping, blood, and unwanted sex by both parties? But it doesn't go to much into detail. But i dont know how to categorize it. This is dark but soft. Also my grammar mistakes.

Part 2 / Part 3 (coming soon)

Steve doesn't remember much, the aching pain against the roundest part of his skull was the only thought manageable. Shaky fingers running over the clumps of blood that matted his hair, stables fusing the gash closed. His eyes take in the room around him, no windows, the only light is small lamp that illuminates the small corner of the room by the bed he currently say up on. The walls are a dull gray, the floor matching, the cement seemed as it ran for miles. A door is on the far right, heavy duty, not even a super solider could break it down.

His tact suit is gone, a plain white t-shirt and a pair of grey sweat pants clad his body, no shoes just a tall pair of socks that bundle against ankles. The throbbing inside his skull seems like the worst of his worries as his eyes scan the room, no way out. The small camera in the corner follows his every move. "Whoever you are, you've made a mistake."

Thick arms across against his swollen chest in dominace, trying to assert some kind of fear into the situation. It's no use, no one is there or obviously cares enough to call a bluff. A small stack of books are next to the sink, fingers run down the ridged brindle of the book, noticing the german writing. Hydra.

Steve's face moves in frustration, body growing taller as he realizes the situation, hydra had finally managed to do it, they got him. A small growl rumbles deep inside the roughness of his chest, fist meeting the cement wall in anger, the blood didn't bother him, the pain non existent. He steps over the crumbled pieces of the wall before looking right into the camera. "If you think I'll stay here peacefully, you're mistaken. I will punch my way out of here."

His feet start towards the carving he made in the wall but peeks his head towards the door listening to the gliding of locks. He stands tall, expecting someone to send in some poor bastard that was meant to tell him to behave but would only meet death in the hands of him.

Much to his surprise, a female thrown into the room, falling next to his feet. Adrenline was too high, he couldn't think straight. His body telling him this was a trick but mind realizing how similarly dressed they were.She was here as a prisoner too.

"Are you okay?" Steve's voice is rough, making you flinch but scatter away from him as his hands reached out to help you up.

An unsettling feeling is ripped deep inside his stomach, bubbling red hot as he notices the darkness behind your eyes. Nothing was there, a shell of a human. "I'm not going to hurt you."

Avoiding eye contact at all cost, you pull your knees to your chest, head resting against the hard shell of knees. What did they do to this girl?

Steve's eyes run over the soft features, skin with no wrinkles, big doe eyes avoiding him. Cheeks so lively, warm with color and lips that just resembled youth. Hair was beautifully knotless, curtaining past your shoulders, small shoulders that formed into the valley of your breast, no older than 23.

He decides to keep his distance, but drops to his knees to size you. Hoping that with being eye level would make himself look less scary, dominating even. "What's your name?"

When she doesnt answer he sighs, "I'm Steve."

Before he gets a chance to speak again, a loud crackling echos the room, source the camera. "Do you like her steve? She's yours."

"Mine? What?" Eyes don't leave you, he doesn't speak for the camera, more like asking himself.

"We want to be friends with you Steve. Give us your blood and you can do whatever you want with her."

He notices how fast your chest begins to move, a small choked sound constricting from your throat. The voice the reason for the anxiousness, scaring you.

"Stop talking." Steve hisses, "i will never give you my blood and you're scaring her."

"Have it your way then." All of a sudden the small light is gone, the room is completely black, the clicking of the locks telling him someone is coming. The door hit the wall with a large thump, he swore it shook the room, he stands arms reaching out trying to get a hold of something, if something was there. A large arm reaches around his neck, before he could even react the sharp pain of a needle in his neck has him out cold.

The second time waking up was easier, his body still in full fight mode as he jumped up, trying to locate the danger. Quickly realizing it was gone, and he was alone once again. The days started to form into a week, he's given no food, forced to drink water from the leaking sink in the block room - it drives him crazy, drip, drip, drip. Stomach painfully twisting as a tray is slid from under the door- a small piece of bread, what looked like chicken broth and a banana, better then nothing at all. His mouth salivates at the salty smell of the warm soup filling his nose, almost dizzy from the lack of food. It must be his lucky day, a few hours later lunch is there too. A sandwich with an apple, they even have him a cup to drink his sink water out of.

Dinner isn't existent, but for once this whole week he is not weak, stomach not painfully squeezing inside of him. Hes not full, but satisfied. The echoing of foot steps followed by the shuffling of a shadow behind the door thinking its a late dinner but the locks unhinge, the woman revealed, two large men standing behind you as you walked in.

Steve eyes meet your face as the door is closed, your eyes avoid him at all costs. Hair perfectly flowly, features even softer than before, might even say a sight for sore eyes that have been staring at half understandable words on a page and cement walls. Except for once small detail, a countless amount of bruising ranging from small to big across your arms, most likely from the men roughing you up, grabbing harshly at the small girl.

"Hey are you okay?" He is surprised by the small squeak of a yes as you finally talk. "Why are you here?"

"I, ugh - don't know." Shakily you cross arms across the swells of your breast, a surivial instinct, protecting most vital organs. Steve chooses to ignore it, "what's your name?"

"Y/N." Its softly spoken, but a name that fits you very well. The soft patter of drops against the sink, the only sound filling the room as you finally meet his eyes. Beautiful ocean waves, big blue skies being the only words that come to mind. His features are hard bit form a devilishly handsome man, but eyes so soft reminding you of the beautiful things in life.

"Did they feed you? I have an apple left from earlier." The large red apple looks so small in his gigantic hand. You shake your head, "No, I'm okay."

"You can sit down. Do you know where we are?"

"No, I'm okay." The honest truth is men scared you, especially the largely built one who stood with so much strength that you backed away from him.

"I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not like them."

"I just don't want you by me."

Steve nods in understanding, forehead creasing i though as his tongue runs over his lips as he looks around the room. "You can sit on the bed, I'm going to go over here."

Steve points to the opposite corner of the room, "I'm going to move now, you don't have to be scared." You want to thank him for the warning but bite your tongue and nod, making sure he reaches the other side of the room before routing yourself to the pathetic excuse of the bed.

"I see you're getting along." The voice rings from the camera as Steve's eyes squint in annoyance. He decides not to play in, his gaze burns against your skin. It wasn't in a way that was uncomfortable, but he wanted to test you, ask you questions you wouldn't answer.

"She's a gift for you steve, aren't you lonely? we want to be your friends." Steve scoffs, "last time i checked, friends don't lock each other in prisons."

"You can do whatever you want with her." The voice darkenly is suggestive with unlawful thoughts, a concept as dark as that doesn't even register in his mind.

"What does that even mean?"

"We want you to take her." Steve's forehead creases in confusion, fingers stretching lines across his forehead, but when met with the horrified look on your face realization hits him like a ton of bricks, crushing his chest. Stomach clenching as he feels sick, was this normal for you to do?

The captures realized Steve wasn't going to just give up his blood, he also wouldn't take what they gifted him. Steve Rogers was a man of a moral code, the best kind of man mixed with a gentleman, that would never hurt a lady but wouldn't ever allow one to die because of his hand either. "If you don't fuck her, we will kill her."

They will strip away every part that is good of him, take away every moral and goodness this man has, starting with taking away the fact that he has a choice on who he sleeps with. Steve's ocean blues meet yours in panic, chest tight, he couldn't breath at the suggestion.

"No."

"She will die, and it will be because of you. You could've saved her Steve." This isn't right, the giant pit in his stomach screaming in horror as the words leave your mouth, "it's okay steve."

Your welcoming this, accepting it is survival but he isn't standing for it. His eyes water, he feels sick, taking away the one sense of security you posses, your choice and willing accepting that is gone. "No. I am not doing that."

"You're doing to let me die?" No, he wasn't going to that either. "They're not lying, they will slit my throat the moment I walk out of here."

"You can't even look in my eyes let alone do this!" Feelings getting the best of him as the wall crumbles underneath his power, bloody knuckles spreading the redness across his face as he rubs it stressfully.

"You have 30 seconds Steven." The voice warns, threatening is more like it.

"It's okay, i know you won't hurt me." Your soft voice is what makes him really choke up, an angel that didnt deserve this. Steve's weight is on top of you, his hand pressed against the matress supporting most of it. A hand so shaky he can't even pull at the strings of your sweats so instead you pull them down revealing what should be your choice to him.

"I am so sorry." It was a choked sob filled with so much sadness, a gruff from the chest that made even your heart break for him right now. He closes his eyes, preventing the tears from falling but in a forced moment like this, couldn't find himself to find excitment, but the fact that this was going to be life or death out weighed his feelings.

It was a small kiss, a peck barely there against his clothed shoulder made him gasp, not expecting the comfort in this moment. You of all people, comforting him, a sobbing mess of a man while your innocence he was taking unwillingly. The wetness of his tears meeting your cheeks, sliding down as he pushes into you and with that his heart breaking.

It continued for days, over and over again they make him get to know every part of your body, he begs them to stop, you tell him its okay, that this is how it has to be, but he can't take it. Sleeping soundly he watches you, peacefully in a peaceful world unlike this one. You don't care much for his touch, but sleep is the one place you don't scower from it. Its hard not to be close, the twin matress making it nearly impossible to not touch. The dark blush of the bruising is starting to fade, hand softly rubbing over the skin as you breath heavily. Chest is moving with every breath, lips slightly parted, beautiful.

Warm against him, he is glad you can sleep. It's been days since he has, guilt eating him alive, which is exactly what they want. They will continue to make him disgrace you until he breaks and allows them to give him the blood, and willingly participates in their experiments. The loud sound of cement crumbling following loud booms makes him clutch you close to his chest, back facing the door to protect you at all costs. Your awake now, breathing heavily into the chest as the sound of bullets ripple from outside of the door he coos. "Its okay, its okay. I'll protect you."

Nothing else is said as the fight outside continues until it stops, you look up at him, looking for answers until eyes widen in fear as the locks of the door sound. They were coming back for you. Steve turns, pushing you behind him as he stands tall, a man ready to fight.

"Buck?" It's just above a whisper as a tall man, almost as big as him stands. A metal arm, long black hair that reaches his shoulders.

"Steve we got to go." The girl is only noticeable when he reaches around to grab your hand, Bucky notices the messy hair, dried lips and the dark bruising against your arms. "She's coming with us."

The sunlight hurts, you cover your eyes quickly as you almost stumble to your knees trying to keep up with the two large men as bullets wiz past. Steve's arms are lifting you by the waist, nudging you to get back up. The quinjet sits only feet away, a tall, dark man yelling incoherent sounds over the swooshing of the blades in the air. In seconds the metal of the floor is cold against bare feet, door closing, it was safe.

Taking a deep breath your eyes running over the tower of Steve as the jet takes off. Bucky can't help but notice the shortening of breath from the small girl, coldness of the metal arm making you jump away in shock, "are you okay?"

"n-no!"

"Buck, buck, don't." Steve reaches for him, taking the artificial touch from her. "She doesn't like being touched. "

You feel trapped in here, three large men making it suffocating in this tiny box, that some how seemed even more freeing than the one you've grown so used to despite being high in the clouds.

"Breathe sweetheart." Steve coos, sinking down to your size, arms reaching out but not quite touching. "Its just me, my touch is good."

His touch is filled with unwanting pleasure, a reminder of what was taken away from you but also a certain gentleness that made you feel safe and secure. You don't let him touch you but nod at his words, following the rythm of his breathing from the pattern of his chest.

"What the fuck happened there?" Bucky wanted to say what the fuck is wrong with you but noticed how uncomfortable you already were.

"I just need to sit down." Steve looked broken as well as he sat finally, still feet away from you. Hands rubbing over his face, as a small cry feel from his lips. Any other time being captured by enemy lines wouldn't even affect him, but he didn't feel like the same man, he was a disgusting excuse of one that fell victim to them, they might have not gotten his blood but did strip the one piece of him he held dearly: his moral code.

Bucky chest squeezes as his best friends sorrow, hand meeting his back, rubbing soft circles of comfort. You watch every second of it, this was bound to happen, you saw the change every time he was forced to touch you, the breaking away of his head, of what he stood for but most of wishing you could accept touch like that, comfort, but any man that touched you only brought pain, physically and in the cause mentally. The ride was quiet once Steve managed to stop crying, didn't dare to talk, the emotion still raw in his chest, afraid it would start again. Once on the ground, a group of people surround him, hugs, kisses to his cheeks. Once again you were envy of his acceptance, the thought making you sick. Steve showed you to a room, placing a pair of what looked like his clothes at the end of the freshly made bed. "You can lock the door when I leave if you'll feel safer." Nails nervously scratching the back of his neck, "You can shower, and if you need me I'm right across the hall, goodnight."

Steve wanted to talk, apologize for what he had done to you but didn't also thought the events of today were enough, you deserved a goodnights rest.

Steve's clothing hung loosely from wet skin, the sweats needed to be rolled, sweater reaching mid-thigh. Sleep did not come easy, noisy sounds of the busy city, honks, and whizzing cars, something you weren't used to being secluded for so long. Anxiety bubbling deep inside your chest, burning your skin. The constant fear that they would come back for you, take you away with just a taste of this freedom.

It was strange but you missed the security, the sense of being protected by him, a feeling you have never felt before. Quietly you enter his room, he's not sleeping just deep in thought as he stares at the ceiling, not noticing your entrance.

"Steve?" Rolling your hands nervously into sweater paws as looks at you with worry. "What's wrong?"

He's sitting up now, ready for anything, trying to figure out the emotions of your face you keep so guarded. "I can't sleep."

He lays back down, hand extending opening the covers to allow you in. Thankfully he doesn't try to touch you. Running over the defined features of his face, ocean eyes so soft. For the first time ever he looks relaxed despite the dark circles under his eyes, the ocean surrounded by a deep red of regret, disgust in himself. He offers a sweet smile, which you can't find yourself to return but try your best.

Closing your eyes feels nice, his breath in your ear, you feel safe as you slip into a world of peacefulness. But not before hearing, "I'm sorry. Sweet dreams sweetheart."

Note: if you want to be tagged in the next two parts, comment below! Part 2 comes with the reader learning to accept his touch and unexpected surprise.

[skrony33worldhealthsolution]

10 Ways Natural Health Tips To Keep Your Body Healthy Exercises

Health tips about Exercise knowingly - natural healthy tipsAll work has some rules and regulations. If they are followed, there is very little chance of disaster. Accidents can happen again with a little irregularity. Regular exercise is a good habit to keep the body fit. Exercise also has some rules but many of us do not know them properly. Even if I know it again, I don't accept it. But if you want to keep yourself healthy and normal, you have to know the rules of exercise well and try to follow them. Here are some tips to help you get started: 1. Do not exercise at all on a full stomach. However, if you are very hungry, it will be difficult. So before the start you can eat something light like two toasts or an apple.2. It is not advisable to exercise after wearing too tight or tight clothing. Wearing tight clothing can interfere with your posture. As a result, you will not get the full benefits of exercise.3. You must wear good training shoes before walking hard, jogging or doing heavy exercises that will put pressure on your feet. Otherwise, the joints of the legs or the pressure on the cells will hurt, as well as the back may hurt.4. Try to breathe normally while exercising. Never breathe too hard. Exercise in such a way that you can breathe well. However, the style of breathing during asana or yoga is definitely different. In this case, you have to follow the rules of the seat completely.5. Do not do too much heavy exercise for too long in the beginning. First, do light exercise for a short time. Increase it little by little every day.. Stop exercising only when you have physical pain while exercising. Consult an expert or instructor if necessary.. If you exercise for an hour, do light and slow rhythm exercises for the first four to five minutes. The last two or three minutes are the same.. No matter what exercise you do, do a little stretching and warm up at the beginning. Otherwise, there is a possibility of injury to muscles and ligaments. Knowing these things, you must have understood how to do the right exercise. So don't delay, start exercising from today to make yourself more attractive and eye-catching beauty. natural healthy concepts When to exercise? -Exercise can be done after waking up in the morning. Exercise in the morning after a long sleep can keep you relaxed throughout the day. In addition, the afternoon before the evening is also a good time to exercise. Since the body sweats when you exercise, it is better to exercise in mild weather. Exercising in the afternoon or in hot weather can easily make you feel tired. So it is better not to exercise at this time. Many people can't get up all day because they are busy, they exercise at night. There is no problem. Those who stay at home all day, they can exercise at any time if they want. It is not okay to eat too much food during exercise. Eating light foods, such as a banana or biscuit, can help you exercise. Many people go home to exercise in the morning and return home after the exercise. There is no benefit to exercise. Those who exercise regularly should keep an eye on food when they spend more time leisurely or go for a walk. If you plan to stay for a long time while walking, you can do some exercises if you have the opportunity. It is not advisable to drink too much water before or after exercising. You can take a little rest after exercise and then drink water. It is better to exclude sweet, soft drinks, fast food etc. from the food menu as much as possible. Because, eating these foods will make your exercise useless. There is no need to exercise if you are sick. No exercise should be done without the advice of a doctor, especially during pregnancy. Talk to your doctor about any type of exercise or diet plan. vitamin stores Stay fit easily by walking -For a disease-free body and a vibrant mind, some kind of exercise is required. Regular walking and exercise keep the human body healthy and fresh. Exercise and well-planned diet are the key to longevity and keeping the body and mind fresh. It is also important to maintain the ideal weight. In addition, there is no pair of exercises to cut laziness. Therefore, the easiest and safest exercise is walking. This is an exercise that is suitable for less work, which applies to people of all ages. According to researchers, regular walking keeps the body healthy and prolongs life. If you want to live a long day, walk at least two and a half hours a week. You will see that your life expectancy can be increased by seven years. Moreover, walking, jogging and running bring equal benefits for the health of the heart and blood vessels. Walking for two and a half hours in seven days increases life expectancy by seven years. Walking also has a positive effect on obese people. Exercise and walking should never be underestimated. Even a small amount of walking has a positive effect. In fact, for some, walking is a much better exercise. Because walking does not put pressure on the body. Many times when running, there is pain in the joints of the bones, the muscles are injured. It is quite risky for older people. Walking is the name of simple and effective exercise Walking is an easy exercise. There is no need to wear special clothes. Physical exercise trainer Sumon Ghosh said, ‘30 minutes of brisk walking six days a week is enough. Strict exercise like jogging forces the heart to pump blood harder. And it is beneficial. However, since muscles work so hard, they need a lot of oxygen. Lactic acid is made in exercise. Lactic acid accumulates in the body and the muscles become stiff and sore. But walking is not so. When walking, the heart pumps loudly, increasing blood flow. However, it does not have such a severe effect on the muscles. Lactic acid is not made in the body. So it helps in stimulating the circulatory system by applying less pressure on the body. Accumulated body fat is released. However, in addition to walking exercises, stretching, abdominal exercises, etc. should be done. In that case it is better to warm up first. Then do the stretching. Do abdominal exercises at the end of it all. Because walking is just cardio exercise. Stretching, abdominal exercises etc. should be done to get the benefits of walking. Then your body will be slim and beautiful. At the same time good health will be maintained. In that case, make a routine in advance of what kind of exercise you will do with walking one day. 'The benefits of walking-# Helps to increase blood circulation in the body, it reduces the risk of brain and heart attack.# 80% of high blood pressure patients lose weight through walking and exercise to control their blood pressure without medication.# Heart stays good and heart cannot be blocked.# Walking for 1 hour every day helps in dissolving excess body fat, thus reducing the risk of heart disease and preventing obesity in the body.# 84% of people who walk regularly do not have a risk of stroke.# All types of chest pain and palpitations are good and the heart stops beating 20,000-30,000 times a day. As a result, the extra workload on the heart is reduced.# Studies have shown that people who walk regularly every day have a longer life expectancy.# Diabetes cannot be a disease and if it is a disease it is under control.# Increases digestive energy and increases appetite.# Very good sleep.Follow the steps below to get fit in four weeks:The first weekFirst warm-up with a simple 5 minute simple exercise. Keep walking slowly at first. Slowly increase the speed. Take a brisk walk for 1 minute. Walk slowly for the next 1 minute. Absolutely stop to reduce walking speed.Second weekFirst warm up for 5 minutes. Start walking at a moderate pace. Walk at the same speed for 5 minutes. Slowly reduce the speed. Exercise cool down.Third weekWarm up for 5 minutes at the beginning. Start walking at a moderate pace and gradually increase the speed. Walk at the same pace for 2-3 minutes. Keep walking slowly. Absolutely stop to slow down slowly.Fourth weekWarm up for 5 minutes. Gradually increase the speed by walking slowly. Walk loudly for 5 minutes. Do cool down exercises after walking. Free Hand Exercise - Some Important Tips Before Starting:Get a full body medical check-up before you start exercising. This is a must have, for any Affiliate, promoting any program.Make changes in diet. Eat less fatty foods. Stay away from soft drinks or synthetic juices. If you have a habit of drinking regularly, quit if you can, at least reduce it.Start exercising with a measure of how much weight and inches you will lose. Check every 15 days how much has been reduced.Rest as much as you can. Don't worry unnecessarily and look for the right sleep at night.Just do abdominal and waist exercises, but it will not work. Want full body exercise. Certain exercises will make your abdominal and waist muscles strong, flexible and beautiful; Will help to stay disease free.Get ready to start exercising.          You See Natural Health Tips To Keep Your Body Healthy Here are some simple exercises:1) Stand with both hands on the side of the body straight. Raise both hands over your head to catch your breath. Exhale and lower your hands to the side of your body. Do it 10 times. Doing so will relax the muscles and nerves.2) Stand straight with your legs apart. Raise both hands over the head. Leaning forward with your breath, melt your hands between your legs and go as far as you can. Be careful not to break the knee. Now exhale with both hands on the back of the head Take it. Bend the upper part of the body from the waist as far as you can. Try to go as far as possible. Do this 10 times once down and 10 times up. This exercise strengthens the spine. Reduces excess fat. 3) Stand with your legs apart and your hands on your hips. Rotate the upper body to the right from the waist to the head to inhale. Make sure that the knees are not bent and the feet are in the same position. Now turn left with the breath. Exhale again and go back to the previous state. Practice this way 5 times a day and 10 times on both sides. This will keep the waist muscles active and fresh.Bhujangasana - Lie on your back. Now fold both hands from the elbows and place them on both sides of the chest directly on the shoulders. Keep the palms of the hands straight. Now lift the upper part of the body from the navel with the weight on the palm of the hand. Keep the legs straight and straight. Bend the neck a little and lift the neck and look upwards. Leave 10 seconds and go back to the previous state. Practice 5-6 times. And when you raise your head, take a deep breath and when you take off, take a deep breath.Triangulation - Stand up straight with your legs apart. Now place both hands straight in front of the shoulders. Bend the upper part of the body from the waist to the right and touch the right leg with the right hand and keep the left hand straight on the shoulder and look at the left hand. Thus go back to the previous state from 10 seconds. Lower your hands and place them next to your body. Do the same in the opposite direction. Do it 3 times a day. Rest for 1 minute in a row.Benefits - Practicing this posture increases blood flow to the spine and makes the spine flexible. Helps reduce excess fat on both sides of the body.Crescent Moon - Stand up straight with your legs together. Straighten both hands towards the front. Now bend the upper part of the body backwards with the hands. The hands should be on the side of the head and ears. Return to this state as long as possible. Do it 3 times and rest for 1 minute. Ardhasalavasana - This seat is called Ardhasalavasana because it is done on one leg. Lie on your back with your face down on the ground. Place both hands on the floor of the Thai. Now keep the body stretched and lift any one leg backwards. Make sure that the knee does not break. Leave this position for 20 seconds. Now do the same with the other leg. Practice 5 times. Benefits - Strengthens the muscles of the lower abdomen and buttocks. The shape of the buttocks is beautiful. Pawan Muktasana  - Lie on your back and breathe. First bend the right leg at the knees and bring it close to the chest and press the knees on the chest with both hands. Keep both feet outwards. Leave it for 20 seconds and straighten your legs. Now do the same with the left leg. Leave it for 20 seconds and rest your legs straight. This time do the two legs together in the same manner for 20 seconds. Take a 1 minute breath break. Do this seat 5 times a day. Benefits - Strengthens the abdominal muscles. Makes the middle part of the body flexible. Lifestyle Change -Make it a habit to stay in the office to help you lose weight fast. Go up and down the stairs. Sit or stand while doing some leg exercises in between work. Avoid outside food and junk food completely at lunch. Avoid cigarettes and alcohol to lose weight and stay healthy. Some alcohol or cigarettes are not directly responsible for weight gain but weight loss will be more difficult if you are not physically healthy. That's why we need to think about fitness to lose weight and make good habits. In the busiest life, those who work for hours sitting in one place in the office do not have any physical work. Many people eat extra food to get out of this stress. Take 5 minutes walk every 2 hours between office work and you will see it will be good. People who stay at home often gain weight very quickly. Exercise every day to lose fat and become beautiful within a certain period of time. Use less machines for housework. Instead, you will benefit if you do these things with a little effort. Walking to and from school to pick up and drop off children will help you lose weight. Exercise 4 days a week and follow the diet chart and you will get a lean body very soon.

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#healthtips #weightloss #fitness

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #292

“dear god, let’s make this fucking clear: dear god, there’s nothing that i fear”

What internet browser do you use? Chrome. What brand water do you drink? (Smart Water, Dasani, etc) Mom just grabs the Great Value jugs. Do you have a job? No. Are you full-time or part-time? N/A Are you watching TV right now? No. Or are you listening to music? Yeah, "Mr. Crowley" by Ozzy. Such a great song. Would you go to jail for 3 years for $1,000,000? No. I would NOT survive in jail. When's your birthday? February 5th. I cannot fucking believe I'm almost 25. Thoughts on kids? Too impressionable for me. Even with my niece and nephew, I feel like every single word I say just like... stamps into their brains, and what if I say something that negatively affects them? I feel like it's my responsibility as an aunt to be a fountain of wisdom when I'm definitely not. I just get nervous around kids. Worst punishment you've ever received by your parents? I wouldn't call it a "punishment," but when I skinned the everliving fuck out of my knees and Mom was patching me up while I was just sobbing away, my dad literally roared "SHUT UP!" from my parents' bedroom, and it's stuck with me forever. Honestly, I think it may be a root in my extreme fear of men yelling. Worst punishment from Mom, probably this time where she smacked the shit outta my arm as a kid and left a clear handprint for a while. Are you the type who is completely against abortion? Why? No, I am firmly pro-choice, despite being pro-life most of my life. I don't feel like writing a moral essay, but basically, I absolutely cannot agree with forcing a woman to carry a human they don't want for whatever reason for nine fucking months, endure one of the most traumatically painful things known to man, and then properly and adequately care for that child. That is such a huge fucking responsibility that should be forced upon *nobody*. "But adoption!" Yeah, go tell that to the thousands of children waiting on you. This is leaning on exactly what I said I wouldn't do, so moving along. Have you ever read a book that actually changed your outlook on life? "I’ve read some books that were phenomenal, but I wouldn’t necessarily go so far as to say that they 'changed my outlook on life'." <<<< This was Johnny Got His Gun for me. Does your favorite flower hold any meaning to you? No. What would you do if your favorite animal became endangered? I would fucking freak. Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette? No, but I honestly do want at least one, primarily with a deep black and then some nice grays and neutral colors. Do you own a tripod for your camera? Yes. Are your nails always painted? Quite the opposite. What's one thing you've had a toxic reaction to? A breakup. Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? I honestly don't really decorate because I just don't have the motivation, but Halloween is the best. Were you popular in school? Nope. Are there any foods that often give you heartburn or indigestion? BANANAS, dark sodas (like Coke or Dr. Pepper), peanut butter can... It's hard for me to tell much now because I have chronic heartburn and am medicated for it. Works great, so I don't experience this much. Is there something you intend to buy in the near future? Yes. Once my tattoo is done (I'm setting the appointment the next time we leave the house, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH), what I have left is going towards Venus' new terrarium. She really needs a 40 gallon. Is anyone in your family artistically talented? What about musically? I was the art kid, and family still insist I should be an artist. What cute behaviors or characteristics does/do your pet(s) have? Omg, Roman has so many. He nuzzles me all the time, will collapse into my hand to pet him, he insists on being the little spoon at bedtime (no, really), he literally tries to groom me with his teeth, licks my face... He is just a doll. My little buddy for sure. Now onto Venus. She loves to chill next to me in bed or find a cozy place under the covers, and omgggg does she love to slither around the bed doing the periscope thing. So curious. What's the screensaver on your computer? I don't have one. What’s the sexiest thing about a guy? I am WEAK for nice shoulderblades/muscular shoulders ok. What’s the sexiest thing about a girl? I am an ass bitch and I will not hesitate to admit it ayyyyyeeeee. Who were you with at midnight on January 1, 2021? Nobody. Who was the last person to send you a message on social media? My sister Misty. She's planning to surprise Mom (her stepmom, anyway) by showing up in a few weeks with her fiance and all her kids she's never met but desperately wants to. My mom is the only "real mom" she's ever had, and she just feels so bad that she has a by now teenage daughter (among three other younger ones) that has never met her "grandmother." It's just an expensive and long trip, but Misty's finally called it enough and is just driving down here with everyone. Mom is going to fucking sob. ^ What qualities does this person have, that you appreciate? Nice timing for this, since her fiercely anti-mask bullshit is all I can focus on about her lately... but there are good things about her. She truly is a very loving, passionate woman that, just like me, feels deeply and expresses it. What was the last thing that caused you to scowl, or frown? Does grimacing count from a sudden bodily pain? Have you smiled at any point during the last hour? Yeah. I'm watching the VOD of Arin Hanson playing Kingdom Hearts 2 for charity, and he went on a total fucking laughing fit. His laugh is so precious, so I just couldn't stop grinning. What was the last thing you consulted Google for? Ensuring "grimace" was the right word for my former expression, even though I was pretty positive it was correct... I don't know if anyone's noticed, but my English skills are degrading, particularly in spelling. It's concerning me. I was an English whiz my whole life up to now. My only guess is it's related to how godawful my memory is also declining. So, did anyone send you a "Happy New Year" message when midnight hit? No. When was the last time you were on a carousel? Probably not since I was a teenager being goofy with Jason or somebody. What is the closest you have ever been to an elephant? I have a picture on my dA of a beautiful elephant walking RIGHT by its fence at the zoo. It was pretty amazing, considering just how incredibly immense their enclosure is. Have you ever played Halo? No, it's not my kinda game. Have you ever read a National Geographic magazine? Oh, I'm positive I've read sections while in waiting rooms of various places. When was the last time you had a pillow fight? I have no idea. Realistically it was probably w/ Jason since that sounds like some cute playfighting thing we'd do, but I don't remember a particular instance. Name somebody who you think deserves more respect: "Retail works. The horror stories my mom has on the daily is absolutely ridiculous. People can be so incredibly rude." <<<< I absolutely agree with this; what friends and strangers alike rant about is just depressing. Nobody, especially those working through a goddamn pandemic that's killing thousands, deserves the disrespect that comes their way. Have some goddamn decency and know half the issues you bring up to retail workers isn't even their damn fault. Ohhhh, I could rant about this. In your own words, define what the word sexy means. So you mean like, what I think is considered sexy, not just the general definition? If that's the case, uhhh. Self-confidence (but absolutely not arrogance) is very attractive to me as a bitch who lacks it entirely, as well as good manners, being outgoing, and just... charm. I don't quite know how to describe that "charm" other than I'm really drawn to people who are unique and happy with it and just seem to have an aura about them that feels good to be in. What is the most popular tourist attraction where you live? I'm going to look at this question as if you're asking about my state and not general location because 1.) there ain't shit here and 2.) I'd prefer to keep relatively where I live quiet on the Internet. Looked it up and apparently NC's biggest tourist bait is the Biltmore Estate. Never been there myself, but it'd be pretty dope. Without looking - do you know what brand your underwear is? I'm in my own home and pjs, who the fuck wears underwear with that criteria lmao. Are you any good at volleyball? NOOOOOOOOO. I went to a volleyball camp thing once when I was younger and that shit hurts the hell outta your hands. I didn't stay long. Have you ever had a water balloon fight? Why of course. Do you think some babies are ugly? Quite honestly, probably most, especially newborns. Don’t you miss Chuck E. Cheese? I do; going there was one of the most exciting possible things to me as a kiddo. Do you think Fall Out Boy is gonna be a classic band, like Queen or AC/DC? Possibly. I mean they sure are pretty successful and well-known. Do you love stuff-crusted pizza? Eh, it's not my preference, but I'll eat it. Do you apply lotion after you bathe? No, but I really should, given how dry my skin is. What’s your favorite color? Pastel pink. Who did you have your most amazing kiss with? I'd like to not think about this. Has a YouTube video of yours ever gotten over 10,000 views? Lol definitely not. I think at least one on my older channel hit 1k somehow???? It was a birthday gift I made for someone. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? lol I already have one there. At some point I'm getting it covered, though. Do you like Robert Frost poems? I do! Do you go to church every Sunday? I never do. Have you ever been in a relationship on-and-off for more than a year? No, I don't play that game. You want me or you don't, so I'm not wasting my time on your uncertainty or just our lack of stability for whatever reason. If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Absolutely writing. What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? ?????????????????? i don't?????????????? care???????????????? they're not my tits??????????????? What is the last thing you tried on in a store? I don't know. I avoid trying shit on like the plague. And then it ends up being too big/small. I wonder why. Is sleeping naked more comfortable than in clothes? I've only ever fallen asleep naked once, and accidentally at that, so I really don't remember how I felt about it? Consciously though, I would feel very, very vulnerable so don't have plans to when I have my own place. Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? HAHAHA Y'AAAAAALLLLLLL THIS WAS DEADASS THE ONLY LUCID DREAM I'VE EVER HAD LMAOOOOO Do you feel as though you have a good memory, or are you forgetful at times? Do you feel that your short-term memory or long-term memory is better? My short-term memory is absolutely atrocious, like to the point it seriously affects my ability to get shit done. You can give me something that needs to be done and I will forget in a heartbeat. Now, my long-term memory is astonishing. I can remember many things from my childhood in incredible detail. Have you ever had a concussion or some other sort of brain injury before? Did you need to have surgery for it? I've had a concussion or two. I can't remember which. I didn't need surgery. Do you have any sort of mental illnesses or disorders? What do they involve? Yeah: chronic depression, crippling social anxiety, generalized anxiety, avoidant personality disorder (AvPD), obsessive compulsive disorder, PTSD, bipolar II, and I think that's it. My head's a mess and a half. What’s the longest that your hair has ever been? How about the shortest? When is the last time that you got it cut? About to the small of my back; how it is now, which is pretty much shaved on the left and fades to near my chin on the right. I actually got it cut last month; we've gone to a family friend for years whose shop is just an extra building by her house and very rarely has more than two clients in it. We had masks on, of course. At what age did you start getting gray hairs, if you happen to have any? I don't have any. Somehow, given my stress level at all times, haha. What are some ways that you style your hair? Do you use any sorts of products in it? It's too short to style. I don't use any products in it but obviously shampoo. Who was the last person to truly get on your nerves? What do you think caused you to feel that way? Probably my mom. I think she was in a rotten mood for one reason or another and just being snappy and generally rude. Do you recycle? Is this through choice or do you live somewhere where it’s compulsory? We do; it's by choice, and it'd be immensely ignorant not to where we live considering it literally gets picked up with the other garbage. Do you prefer plain, carbonated, or flavored water? Do you think you drink enough water throughout the day? I've never tried carbonated water, and flavored water rarely works for me due to artificial sweeteners giving me beastly headaches. So I'll just take really cold, filtered water. Have you ever needed to call the police, ambulance, or fire department? I had to call the ambulance for my mom right before her cancer was discovered because she was literally immobile and in ungodly pain. When was the last time you visited the library? What was the purpose of your visit? At my old college, as the newspaper photographer, I took some artsy pics up there. I will probably forever worry that leaving school resulted in the biggest career opportunity slipping through my fingers through that newspaper. Do you see a lot of wild animals where you live? Are any of them dangerous? I guess about the normal amount you'd see in the country. Some dangerous animals live here, sure, that's probably everywhere, but you very rarely see any. Aside from when you were born, have you ever had to stay the night in the hospital? For suicidal thoughts and one attempt, yes. Have you ever experienced a panic attack? Ahhhh, do I know those well. Thankfully, it's been a long time since I had an all-out panic attack. Would you ever want to go into the medical profession? Was your answer different pre-COVID? Nope. Well, besides being a vet, which I haven't wanted to be since I was a kid. Where you live, are people paying attention to whatever restrictions are in place to help control COVID? Many? No. Because it's apparently a fuckin hoax or not as bad as the government wants us to think. Fucking cretins. Do you get a real or artificial Christmas tree? Artificial. Real ones aren't worth the money nor mess. What’s your favourite type/flavor of popcorn? Caramel corn. Do you drink oat milk? No, but I'm interested in at least trying it. The dairy industry is absolutely repulsive if you look into it, and I'd love to do what I can to take as little part in it as possible... even though I am a dairy fiend. I seriously wish I could go vegan, I am just WAY too picky for it. Do you love thrifting? Oh fuck yes. I've been very few times in my life, but I'mm all about it. Do you consider using only lowercase letters your aesthetic? I do find it visually appealing; I like the flow of similar letter height. I never do it for "serious" things, but on places where it's "for the aesthetic," it's likely that's how I'll write something. Do you say “mood?” Way too much lmao. Do you own fairy lights? No, though I would like them if it wouldn't look stupid in my room. Do you own glass straws because the metal ones kind of gross you out because you can’t tell if they are clean or not? ... I didn't know glass straws were a thing. I have a handful of metal ones though, but I always forget I have one in my purse when I go out... Have you made a TikTok? No. Do you own airpods? No. Are you afraid of Mercury in retrograde? I don't believe in a planet's position or whatever having any effect on people. Do you make life choices based on astrology? Definitely not, considering I don't believe in it to begin with. How many pairs of converse shoes do you own? Maybe like, five? Number of jeans in your closet: Zero. What accent do you have? Not really any, but sometimes I sound kinda southern with specific words. Do you have a big butt? Yo I got a Hank Hill ass, so no. Do you count how long you and your gf/bf have been together? In my past relationships, yes, I assigned our anniversary to memory. I don't really... know why, like it doesn't really matter how long you've been together, I just do. Have you graduated? From HS, yes. I dropped out of college three times lmao. Rihanna or Lady GaGa? Ohhh, not sure. Maybe GaGa, but both ladies have songs I love. "Disturbia" doess beat all of her songs, tho. The fuckin BEAT. Do you use fake eyelashes? Never tried 'em. Which was the last book that really captivated you? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. What makeup brands do you use? I'm not loyal to any, really. I would be if I could afford expensive shit, but yeah, that ain't my life.

[imagine-fight-write]

RANDOM - BANANA FISH REVIEW: VOL 1, PART 3 - MY FAVORITE SCENE in Vol. 1 ?

Welcome back to in-dept gushing about all the greatness of Banana Fish!

Whew, this took forever. Ah, but I love it so much! I hope you do too!

Today is extra lovely, because today we meet our main monstrous villain, Dino Golzine! 

He is a glorious villain, just you wait. Oh, how I hate this man. 

Yes I’m aware he’s a fictional character, but I can’t help but remember there are too many actual people like him in real life. No seriously. There are too many. I try not to think about this fact too much, & you shouldn’t either. Ah, but remember!

There’s hundreds, no thousands, billions more good people.

(here’s a few)

Or at least, people trying to be good. Sometimes they fail. Sometimes they don’t.

People who are fighting people like Dino Golzine.

You can join them. And they’re the ones who’re going to win in the end & have the last laugh & final joy.

Not people like Dino Golzine.

*Speaking of Dino Golzine, there are not a lot of useful gifs of him. Why?

I need them to make fascinating blog posts for you. Someone with the skills snap to it, thanks.

Before we begin, please note, if you haven’t read this scene yet, or the back summary of Volume 1, please do that 1st. Otherwise you’ll be spoiled.

Summary: So. Ash, a clever & skillful gang leader in New York City in the 1980′s, has arrived at Dino’s mansion, demanding answers for why 2 of his gang members were out murdering a dude on Dino’s orders. Marvin, of all people, delivers a deliciously chilling line I gushed about last time:

“I’ve never seen you in the sunshine before.”

And finally Ash is let inside the mansion.

It occurs to me I’m not exactly sure where Dino Golzine’s mansion is. Except it’s outside of New York - there’s trees & grass - & Ash mentions it’s a long way for him to come out for a talk. A suburb place?

Not sure why I’m musing about this. Let’s continue.

Wait! Is this also the same mansion where we have the infamous dinner & the grenade launcher line? Or does Dino have more than 1 mansion? (He probably has more than one.) But I’m going to guess they’re the same. Moving on.

So, starting pg. 36, Dino’s bodyguards have the best mustaches.

(Not as epic as Hercule Poirot. But up there in epicness.)

Also 1 of the fabulously  mustached bodyguards is named Angie. Angie. No, I am not making this up (read pg. 40.) This is priceless. Also very 80’s. Stay classy, Banana Fish. (Which was written in the 80’s, remember.)

*I can’t spelled mustache, much less mustached, by the way.

Oh, & I try to keep my blog clean (if sometimes grim, bloody, & funny) but I must point out the joke Ash makes to the bodyguards in the top panel of page 36. “Groupies” is a special word for me, because it was lovingly explained to me by a friend in high school. By which I mean I was laughing so hard it hurt, & couldn’t stop for several minutes. Great memories!

Ah, & I’m intrigued by Ash’s words to the fabulously mustached bodyguards, 

“Relax . . . I just came to talk. Not pick a fight.” 

(Can’t you just tell Ash’s a teenager, ragging on grown-ups every chance he gets? And they all deserve it, by the way.)

But anyway, I��m so intrigued! Has Ash come in before wanting to pick a fight, or caused a fight, and over what? Also, Ash likes to tease the bodyguards about being overprotective. And it’s funny & I understand why he does it (trying to pretend he doesn’t care & isn’t bothered by them & hey, maybe he isn’t). But I will point out, being “over protective” is how bodyguards should be. It’s their job. Because you never know.

Anyway, 1 of the guards, who I’m going to call Angie because I’m not sure who’s who, discreetly knocks, in the middle panel pg. 36, to the door of Dino’s - Dining room? Breakfast room? (Dino’s rich enough to have both). Anyway, Dino is eating breakfast. This is important & I’ll explain why in a moment. 1st, I do want to critique this panel, because I think the star shape indicating the knock should’ve been bigger & higher up - it gets dominated by the speech bubble. Then again, it is a discreet knock. Dino says “come in” in classic bad guy fashion, and before he lets Ash in, Angie gives him such a look. (I can’t describe it, it’s great.)

This is roughly my response.

Finally we get to see Dino Golzine!

I hate this man, so much.

Note how the first panel of him, bottom of pg. 36 is disturbing - because we actually don’t see his face until the next page. Naturally, since he’s the main bad, we should be disturbed. Also note how he’s surrounded by signs of wealth - a butler / footman, fine dining, French windows open to green countryside, potted plants and soft rugs, and a pair of lovely double doors.

Otaku, She Wrote has a great analysis of this in the anime: 

https://otakushewrote.wordpress.com/2018/07/07/banana-fish-1-a-perfect-day-for-bananafish/

I love double doors. You go through them & always feel grand. Oh yes, and Dino Golzine is dressed in a classic fancy robe / dressing gown. Typical mob boss. Now, although we don’t see his face yet, Dino does speak. Right away, it’s a power play. Dino makes it clear he knows Ash & is familiar with him, can guess his actions: “I thought you might come.” This is a statement reminding Ash Dino has power over him. Yes, he concedes Ash came earlier than expected. But he was still expecting him.

*Please note Angie’s fabulous mustache on the top of panel of pg. 37.

Ash doesn’t reply, so Dino offers breakfast (another sign of how early it is.)

There actually weren’t any pancakes (that I saw), but I included this because it looked fancy (and delicious.) There was actually an egg, & either bacon or sausage. So it was actually like this:

But fancy. That’s from Howl’s Moving Castle, by the way.

Back to Banana Fish.

I’m guessing Ash got maybe 6-7 hours of sleep. No wonder he takes a nap later. (It was almost 1 in the morning when he finds the poor dead guy, as a time stamp helpfully tells us.)

(Another Howl’s Moving Castle gif. I’m distracted.)

Back to Banana Fish.

Ash refuses the offer of breakfast (I wouldn’t accept it either.) Not that I think the food is drugged or something (though I wouldn’t be surprised OR if Dino had done such a thing before). (Shudders) But it’s the principle of the thing. Don’t accept food / eat at a table with monsters. By which I mean people who are terrible & evil & have no remorse for all the pain they inflict on others.

Food & eating together is a sign of community practically everywhere in the world. (I assume?)

And Dino Golzine is most definitely Ash’s enemy. Despite them currently having an agreement.

So of course, Ash refuses the offer of food. Just wait until their fight starts. It’s beautiful. There are conversations that are basically exchanges of epic threats & insults. I love it.

And now I’m wondering what Ash ate for breakfast. Probably not much? Food is important, especially breakfast! It’s basically the fuel you start the day with. (says the person who usually dashes off with toast & a granola bar & coffee.) What do you usually eat in the morning? I’m always curious.

OR What is your favorite breakfast?

(I’m going to fall on the Breakfast Hill, but I love the inclusion of sign language here in The Dragon Prince.)

Anyway, back to Banana Fish. Dino brags about how his food comes from a farm in Surry, wherever that is. 

I want to say Surry, England for some reason (probably because it sounds posh) but that can’t be right. Can it? So, after bragging, Dino asks if Ash is sure he doesn’t want to eat. Ash responds, “I didn’t come all the way out here to eat.”

And the bodyguard I’ll name Toussaint (what a name, I like it but it’s strange) Toussaint gives Angie such a look behind Ash’s back. You can practically hear the mental sigh, followed by “kids.” Or maybe “teenagers.” (sigh)

The poor bodyguards. Also, for shame, Dino does not finish his breakfast. He wastes food! After bragging about it and everything! There was still a whole egg on it! And bacon! (I think). Wasteful. (Eggs are really good for you & easy to make!) This man . . . Even in the small things, I can’t stand him . . .

Of course, I will admit it is uncomfortable eating when no one else is and they’re standing right there waiting for you to finish. Dino would lose power in that exchange. So that’s probably why he didn’t finish. But still. Oh yes, and please note, Dino is sitting at a table (whose legs I don’t trust, they look so delicate) while Ash is standing. This changes, and that’s important. Note their positions before Ash leaves at the end of their conversation. This whole scene, in fact, is fascinating. Especially when you compare it to other conversations Ash & Dino have later. Here, as you’ll soon realize, Dino is the one with the power. Ash goes to him demanding answers. Meaning, Dino is the one with knowledge & the power to give it or refuse. Yes, Ash quips and mouths off, but it’s clear he’s the one on defense.

Of course, given Ash’s smarts, one could argue his “powerlessness” here is at least partly an act & also how Ash survives. But not, I’d argue, entirely. Dino Golzine does hold a tremendous amount of power over Ash. Like it or not, it’s simply a fact.

Also of note is the parent-teenager vibes in the conversation. Which makes partial sense, as Ash is, or was (?) Dino’s heir (remember the synopsis on the back of the volume). Except remember, it also mentions Ash was Dino’s “sex toy.” (shudders)

Their relationship is all amounts of complex, confusing, & disturbing, is what I’m saying. (I’m so confused & disturbed). Now on to the actual conversation! (the dialog is great, by the way.)

At the bottom of pg.37 we finally see Dino’s face / ugly mug, & he makes a very resigned parent comment & expression, “I’ve told you before. Keep your hands out of your pockets when you talk to me.” Ash responds with classic teenage mulish silence, complete with glaring.

Dino orders his bodyguards to take it off him, but Ash is like fine, & gives this challenging statement (particularly bold given their history) “You can’t relax until you’ve completely stripped me.” (This is such a Femme Fatale statement.)

(I have yet to watch Double Indemnity yet, but oh, I really want to.)

Back to Banana Fish. Dino just laughs Ash’s comment off however, and moves the conversation to the den (another power play.)

Laughing at a challenging statement & ignoring it also demeans it.

(Both Hiei & Kurama are laughing at something Yusuke said in YuYuHakusho, which if you haven’t watched / read, please do. It’s hillarious & has a lot of heart.)

A lot like Banana Fish.

*Note: This is why, if someone kidnaps you, fight for your life if they try to take you to a different location. Because 9 times out of 10, it will not end well for you.

Also, as shown above, it’s actually extremely hard to shove somebody into a car / trunk, so you can sleep well tonight.

There’s 2 grown dudes trying to shove a teenager (probably underfed) into a car & they are having difficulties. I’m just waiting for red haired dude to get his eyes jabbed, & dark haired dude is going to get bit or a head butt in the face. ( I haven’t gotten to a part where anyone is trying to kidnap Ash yet, so you’re as spoiled &, I hope, intrigued as I am.)

But back to Volume 1.

In the den, Dino offers Ash a drink (another sign of friendship, like food, especially since it’s a alcoholic drink).

*It makes sense. After all, being drunk, or even tipsy is to also be vulnerable. Thus, if you’re wise, only drink with friends & family, or at least people who you trust.

Or drink alone. Nothing wrong with that either.

Ash refuses the offer, (as any decent person would) and mocks it, calling it “booze” (scoring a point in the power play) but Dino hands him the drink anyway. 

Dino also brags about, “my newest concoction.” Otaku, She Wrote mocks this in her review of the same scene in the anime, it’s great. (Dino deserves to be mocked. He deserves everything shameful & terrible. I really do despise him.)

(Not quite enough glare & disgust, but it’s the best gif I could find.)

Note how often even in this single scene Dino continually ignores or overrides Ash’s refusals or flat out “no’s”. It’s a clear sign of just how little respect he has for Ash (also creepy). An excellent touch done by the mangaka, Akimi Yoshida.

Note: fancy drinks will come up again in another conversation between them, in which Dino asks if Ash remembers training that Dino gave him. This man never stops with the reminders of power. Then again, he is a mob boss.

(I’m sure Dino would respond “yes” to this offer. Dino even pets a cat later too! I just wanted to point that out.) I’m sure his history is fascinating (and bloody).

Ash ignores the drink & gets down to business, demanding to know why Dino sent his / Ash’s gang members to kill the mysterious banana fish dude.

To be clear: A grown man sent teenagers to kill a man. For money.

Dino reminds Ash he calls the shots (literally, in this case): “. . . Any why I didn’t tell you? I wouldn’t think it necessary to trouble you with a matter so trivial.” This is a very condescending statement. Again, Dino speaks like a parent to a child. Or a man to a lady, “Don’t worry your pretty head about it.”

Except this “trivial” matter Dino speaks of is murdering a dude.

(Yes, he deserves a burned hand, & a lot more.) Ash calls him out on this & is upset, as any decent person would. He smacks the table (top of pg. 40). Great emphasis on the line work, except the drink sorta appears to merge with Ash’s hand. (Whoops.)

 Dino’s bodyguards burst in, as good bodyguards would, concerned by the shattering glass.

In yet another power display, Dino dismisses them, claiming it’s nothing and cooly tells Ash to calm down.

(Not exactly like this, but you get the gist. Also, I need to watch Koroko no Basket.) (Adds to never-ending list of anime & manga)

Dino does make a quick apology for upsetting Ash, but one without weight, saying he doesn’t take Ash’s position as a gang leader “lightly.” This sounds respectful, but I think it’s actually a subtle reminder Ash is where he is because of Dino. Ash’s reaction (top of pg.41) highlights this. He slumps back on the couch. 

(just look at Ash’s defeated pose. And Dino hasn’t done anything but talk.

He’s like the bad guy in the 1st book of the Sharing Knife series by Lois Bujold, which you should seriously check out, it’s great.)

Anyway, Ash sags at Dino’s words, because the point worked: he remembers how much power Dino has over him. 

He stops arguing, though still upset. Oh yeah, he keeps talking, fiercely, but you can hear the uselessness in his voice (or imagine it, if you’re reading the manga), “We had an agreement. You promised not to use my boys to kill!” On my re-read of this I was like, “Oh sweetie, you’re talking to a mob boss. What were you expecting?”

(the tea, or in this case, coffee, is always poisoned, by the way. Or drugged. And probably tastes bad too, because bad people have no taste. Or skill. Unless they’re the lead villain. In which case, at least you can enjoy your cup of poisoned tea or coffee before you die or are otherwise horribly inconvenienced.)

But, Ash does not accept the wine glass in this case, which has already been spilled & smashed, so lets continue.

“You promised not to use my boys to kill!” Ash to Dino This almost sounds remarkably naive compared to the smart, street-wise Ash later on. Except it also reflects comments later on in this volume, how the teenage gangs have an honor system (and consider themselves morally superior to the grown-ups. Ah, I love it.)

(this is so me. Also, Kuwabara’s cat is the cutest anime cat I can think of in a quick 5 seconds.)

*YuYu Hakusho is also a show where the heroes have to fight unfair, powerful, & dishonerable grown-ups. It’s also rip roaring funny. Yusuke & Ash would probably get along, while Eiji & Kurama would definitely be friends. Ash would be friends with Kurama too. I’m not sure how he’d respond to Hiei or Kuwabara though . . . I love both shows so much.

*Random Note: For some reason I’m reminded of deal Lando makes with Darth Vader in the Empire Strikes Back. There, it’s also clear that Vader has all the power. “Pray I do not alter it any further.”

Dino usurps Ash’s power again, negating the agreement by insisting “the circumstances were extraordinary” & the man “wasn’t a member of the syndicate” which I assume is part of their agreement, a.k.a., no asking members of Ash’s gang to take out people in the mob. I am now highly curious as to when they came to this agreement, & when & how, but alas, no details yet. Again, Dino trivializes the assignment, calling murdering a person:

“a very tiny mouse that wanted stepping.” Brrr.

*This is from Mrs. Frisby & the Rats of Nimh, which is also based on a great book. I always think fondly of mice because of this. Also due to Redwall.

Here, Dino is clearly trying to play it off as nothing (which to him it partly is, he has no qualms about murdering people) but also because he wants Ash to leave the matter alone. So he also expresses surprise Ash even bothered to learn about it. Note at this point Ash is sitting on a couch & Dino is pacing or standing near him. Like this: 

*I know I used this gif before, but like I said, the gifs are few.

The power dynamic is obvious. Again, props to the mangaka. It would’ve been easy to have them both sitting or standing, but here the power Dino has is obvious in their mere positions. After Ash mentions he noticed the 2 gang members were acting suspicious, Dino praises him for being smart. Again, like a parent praising a child. Dino continues, saying Ash is too smart to be a mere gang leader and makes this statement, while placing his hand on Ash’s shoulder, “I do wish you’d put that right hand of yours to work for me.”

The reader already knows Ash is dangerous with a gun (recall the scene with his 2 gang members earlier) & this echos that. 

Still, the double meaning of the statement is obvious, especially when you remember the synopsis on the back of the volume.

And if you don’t know what it means, I say it’s not important & disgusting. More power to you for not knowing.

I am curious as to how Ash escaped that & got free to have the more respectful role of gang leader. Note, it’s also clear from their talk Dino & Ash have had some falling out, or at least distancing (since Ash became a gang leader, maybe? I really want to know!)

Also, based on the rest of the conversation, you can tell Ash isn’t just one of the no doubt numerous gang leaders Dino knows, uses, & supports.

The synopsis on the back cover says Ash was brought up as “Dino’s heir” but it’s clear he rejected that path.I really want to know why & what caused him to change. And what happened. How did Dino notice him the first place? Was it pure chance, or did Ash do it on purpose, to survive?

Anyway, Dino asks if Ash “would put that right hand to work for him”.

Ash responds to Dino’s disgusting offer with a great quip, “Is that a joke, or have you actually gone senile?”

Reminding Dino of his age (who’s like 50? even Google isn’t sure) complete with a mocking grin too.

Score for Ash!

Except not when you remember Dino’s creepy vibes / words all through this conversation, especially at the end.

And I must remind you, dear reader, Ash is 17/18. Meaning, there’s at least a

30 year gap between their ages.

And there’s nothing wrong with age gaps in relationships, romantic or not.

I like the Sharing Knife series, for example. Sailor Moon & Tuxedo Mask, 

Tohru’s parents in Fruits Basket, etc. Those have age gaps, but they’re good.

What’s wrong here is Ash & Dino’s relationship is abuse, no matter how you slice it. Their’s is in no way, shape, or form one of mutual respect, care, or even basic agreement or attraction by both.

Ash & Dino’s relationship never was & never will be healthy or good for either one of them (unless something stunning happens that I haven’t gotten to yet. I mean, people do change, even monstrous ones.)

Still, even in this 1st scene, it’s clear their relationship is bad. Dino holds all the power & is determined to keep it. There‘s no mutual respect or care between them, no matter how Dino tries to convince himself otherwise. Only dominance, fighting quips, & words wielded like weapons. Dino doesn’t care about what Ash wants - Dino just wants to use him.

Ash, in turn, has only used what Dino has given & taught him in order to survive. He never wants or cares about Dino’s attention, & makes this very clear even in his littlest actions.

Remember. He didn’t come to Dino’s mansion because he wanted to. It was for information only, and quick as he can, he leaves.

Now, back to the conversation. Dino responds to the age zinger by reminding Ash he watched Ash grow up & helped train him, taught him all he knows, (I’m smarter & older than you).

He also reminds Ash of previous weakness, “You used to cry over every assignment I gave you.”

(I told you Dino’s play for power never stops.)

The reader can assume those assignments were also murdering people, just as Dino casually ordered Ash’s 2 gang members to do. Brrr. It also reminds Ash of the power Dino has over him, training him.

*Which means, since Ash is a badass fighter, Dino is too. I mean, he is a mob boss after all. And he’s not so old he can’t still be in good shape.

I bet you Dino’s good with a gun. Ash quips it off, “I’ve got a bad memory” but it’s a feeble jab & Dino doesn’t relent, “There’s something you must never forget . . . It was I who took you in.” Dino has the power here & he’s determined to make Ash remember it again. I took you in. Raised you. Trained you. Made you everything you are today. I own you. I know you. Brrr. It’s so creepy & controlling.

And it’s all done with words. Dino actually hasn’t done anything yet (apart from hinted history. Just you wait.) Poor Ash. Even without knowing the specifics of Ash’s & Dino’s relationship, it’s clear Dino has some twisted hold over Ash. Whew. I’m exhausted just reviewing this scene. And we’re not done yet. Dino is just so - overwhelming. As a good villain should be. Banana Fish. I love it.

So. After that chilling reminder of how much power he has over Ash, Dino lightens the mood a bit - note how often he directs the conversation.

He asks, jokingly, if Ash has a girlfriend - while also pointing out he keeps tabs on Ash’s spending & has noticed he’s been spending more lately. Yet another sign of his power (over Ash.) This man never stops, not even with jokes (no wonder he’s a mob boss.) Fight him, Ash!

And Ash does. He snaps, “None of your business!” I must note, I cannot lie, Ash looks cute & angry in this panel (middle of pg. 43.) Also Dino’s knowing look in the panel next to it is all sorts of creepy. Have I mentioned art in Banana Fish is good? Because it is. Dino puts his hand around Ash’s throat in a very intimate manner (your throat is very vulnerable, as I’m sure you’re all aware). I will note the art here makes the gesture look very odd. It looks less a tender gesture & more like also a choke, or the threat of one. But maybe that’s the point? Dino’s also standing while Ash is still sitting on the couch, by the way. Dino says, I imagine quite softly, “Don’t forget me. You know I love you, sweetheart.”

Now, taken out of context, this sounds like a line said to a lover. Or even a parent to a child. But it’s clearly not. First, Ash’s expression in the bottom panel has none of the delight or relaxation such a line should make. He looks - resigned? Uneasy? Distant?

This is why I (truly) love manga. Because expressions can be read in so many ways. Regardless, it’s clear Ash is not happy or pleased by this (supposedly) endearing statement. He looks like he’s remembering things he’d rather forget, and resigned to Dino touching him. Resigned, as in, I have no choice, I can’t brush him off. All the red flags & sirens should be wailing & waving in your mind.

They’re wailing in mine. Even if Dino meant that as a parent / mentor (mentor hah! I mean, teacher), it’s still messed up.

Because, as I hope I’ve made it clear while analyzing their conversation so far, it’s clear even if Dino himself believes these words (which he very well could) and yes, even if Ash believes Dino cares about him - It’s clearly not true. Dino’s actions make it obvious - he doesn’t respect Ash (much). He clearly, without doubt, doesn’t view Ash as an equal. Only someone to use, & discard at his leisure. And it’s hard, if not impossible to my mind, to care about or love someone who you don’t respect. Note: I don’t think Ash believes Dino’s words. And finally, the conversation is over. Whew, I need a cup of hot tea & some sunshine, that was awful & tiring. No wonder Ash takes a nap after this. The conversation is done, Ash is out, vest & all. He’s his mouthy teenage self again, quipping at the poor bodyguards, pg. 44, top panel.   “Thank you so much for your concern.” Ah, I love it. Most people would leave it there & move on, but I’m a suspicious individual with a dark imagination. Did the convo really end with Dino’s creepy “I love you, sweetheart” & Ash got up & left. OR was there more? After all, when Ash steps out, he’s wearing his vest again. Hands in his pockets, of course. A small defiance, but one nonetheless. Of course, he just grabbed it on his way out from the den to the - what do you call it? The breakfast room, let’s just call it that. The room where Dino wasted perfectly good food.

  I am not going to forget. Anyway, ignore my dark suspicions (I’m just concerned by Ash’s silence & his unease in that last panel.) Because Shorter is here!!! (pg.44)

*Shorter usually has purple hair, but I like this gif a lot. It’s shows how Shorter is great at talking over information with Ash.

His coat looks so comfy in the manga. Also I love the tiny heart next to his eye. Shorter is important - not the least because he shares one of the funniest scenes in Banana Fish with Ash later. I am so excited!

Also because next time will be some great stuff about teenage gangs (and how they’re better than the grown-ups) & we meet Skip!!! & Eiji!!! & Ibe!!!! Unless I gush too much 1st. Then it might the post after. There will be mystery, snark, & danger.

Until next time!

[tornadoofcreation]

Lloyd Heacanons Pt. 2

~I don’t think there’s anything too bad in here, but trigger warning for slight mentions of anxiety~

These also got really long, oops sorry

* He gets stomachaches and headaches when he’s stressed.

* He gets very, very upset with himself when he fails in a mission and makes a mistake.

* He has a bad habit of skipping meals and sometimes goes a full day without having a single proper meal

* Despite this, he’s not picky at all when it comes to food. Maybe it’s because he lived on the streets for a while and took what he could get or maybe it’s just because he’s Lloyd, but he will eat literally anything. Ketchup and bananas? Sure. Peanut butter and cheese sandwich? Sure. Everyone, save Cole, is high key disgusted by it

* He also loves pineapple on pizza, much to Kai and Zane’s disdain

* When Zane died, Lloyd blamed himself because if he had just been a bit stronger and better, maybe when he had defeated the overlord, he would’ve stayed dead.

* Because of this, he started obsessively training and completely neglecting his human needs. It got to the point where Garmadon would literally sit on the edge of Lloyd’s bed all night to make sure he actually slept and didn’t wake up at some ungodly hour to train

* Okay that got a bit too angsty for me, so, Lloyd’s favorite color is yellow and he likes wearing pastels. He owns a lot of light greens, blues and yellows

* He also loves doodling on his jeans and shoes. His jeans are almost all ripped up and covered in sharpie doodles. He has one pair of white converse that he uses as a canvas

* He loves strawberry marshmallows and strawberry milk. Obviously, his favorite ice cream is strawberry

* He talks to himself a lot

* He visits the Ninjago orphanage a lot, just to talk to the kids, and make friends with them. When he turns 18, though, he’s planning on adopting all of them. Every. Last. One.

* He chews on his sleeves when he’s stressed

* He also bites his nails until they bleed. To get him out of the habit, the other ninja (mostly Kai) put bandaids on all of his fingers so he can’t access his nails

* He was once so tired in a press conference that he said “hi, I’m Energy, master of Lloyd” and it’s become a Ninjago-wide meme

* He loves lizards. They’re so cute and have the sweetest faces. He also likes frogs.

* He also really likes sharks

* Because of his dragon side, he’s sort of cold blooded. It’s not full, but if it’s very cold outside, Lloyd needs to keep extra warm to regulate his body temperature and maintain homeostasis

* He has these horrible side effects of getting possessed where he’ll get really dizzy, pass out, start shivering uncontrollably, get pain flashes or start vomiting blood. The effects just randomly show up and it’s very scary for Lloyd and everyone around him when it happens. (Not my personal headcanons, based of an ask that @lindsey-chr-not-found received (sorry for tagging I just wanted to give credit))

* He had to get his passport illegally meddled with because his birthdate looked very suspicious

* After the whole possession fiasco, Lloyd always kisses his mom before every mission, because when he was possessed by Morro, Lloyd feared for his life and all he could think was that he was going to die here, and the last thing he did was refuse to kiss his mom goodbye

* He’s prone to panic attacks

* He always keeps some type of fidget with him. When he has to give public speeches, he likes to play with it to make him feel more comfortable

* The ninja eventually got him a spinny fidget ring that he wears all the time. It helps him so much

* This is more of a garmadon HC, but he knows that Lloyd tends to bottle up his own fears and pain to be strong for others. Because of this, garmadon makes sure to ask Lloyd how he’s feeling every single night, just to encourage Lloyd to open up and give room for him to talk if somethings wrong

* Lloyd goes on runs a lot. He likes to clear his mind and take a moment to breathe

* He likes listening to others talk. He’s not great with social interactions and people. He prefers to listen than to talk

* However, he really has a way with words, and the fact that he’s a pretty quiet person makes the words that he does say very impactful

* He need glasses, but he doesn’t like wearing them. he usually only wears them when he’s around the house or needs to read. He wears them during interviews, because it’s really embarrassing when he spends like 5 whole minutes squinting trying to read the question

* Wearing them makes him look so much older though

* After season 9, he started growing his hair out more and changing small things about his appearing because after everything that just happened, he hates when he looks in the mirror and sees an almost carbon copy of his father

* Lloyd got highlights in his hair because the most apparent difference between him and his father is that Lloyd’s hair is lighter, so he went and got highlights to exaggerate that differences

* As a side effect of the whole “master of energy” thing, Lloyd’s powers can leave him drained of energy very easily. After the whole ‘losing powers’ situation is s9, his powers seem to be different and he’s prone to fainting when he overuses them. Wu told him that he needs to be very careful because if he’s in a situation like he was in season 8, when he fought garmadon, it could sap his energy completely and leave him in a coma.

* He likes putting colorful bandaids on his injuries

* Speaking of injuries, he has a scar right above his heart from the battle with garmadon in true potential. He absolutely hates the scar.

* He is victim to all kinds of nicknames about his hair. The ninja are very creative when it comes to these nicknames, but their favorites are “blondie,” “Rapunzal,” And “Goldilocks”

* Jay and Lloyd like to enthusiastically re-enact starfarer scenes for the others. It started when the power was out, so jay and Lloyd decided to entertain everyone else by performing the entire starfarer movie. After that, it kinda became a thing.

* Little Lloyd used to make blanket forts on the bounty when he was sad, so now all the ninjas, after a particularly difficult battle, will make a blanket fort and just enjoy each other’s company,

* Sometimes they’ll sit in the fort and make up stupid games, or they’ll play video games, or they’ll talk, but sometimes, they just sit in silence and drink in the fact that all of them are okay, and they’re all alive.

* His favorite partners for missions are either Kai, Nya or Cole. Kai and Nya because they’re his siblings and they know each other’s fighting style and where they need to cover each other. (Kai And Nya always cover Lloyd’s left side, bc his left leg still is weak from the time he broke it in season 2). He likes working with Cole as well, because Lloyd has a tendency to panic and overthink, and Cole is so grounded and chill and his strategies are simple and practical.

* He struggles a lot with finding his worth when he is not the green ninja. Lloyd struggles with the fact that his friends only care about him because of his important title and everything.

* That was something his father helped him with a lot. Finding Lloyd’s strengths and all the things that make Lloyd wonderful and lovable. Not the green ninja. Garmadon reminded him a lot that the child he loved and cherished was not the green ninja, but Lloyd.

* Finding his own worth without relying on his powers, title, and family is something Lloyd is working very hard on.

* As soon as Ray and Maya were brought back after season 7, Kai and Nya dragged Lloyd to them and just kinda announced to them that Lloyd was their new son. Both ray and Maya adore him.

* The reason the ultra dragon liked him so much was not because he was the green ninja, but because of the dragon in him. They also connected with Lloyd the same way Firstborn connected to the FSM. They sensed purity and kindness in Lloyd’s soul

* He knows all the small hiding places on the bounty. Whenever he gets overwhelmed or needs to have a breakdown without messing up his “perfect” façade, he goes to those spots and hides.

* Misako and Wu tore down Garmadon’s monastery after season four when the ninja were gone for a week to follow a lead. When Lloyd got back and saw that his father’s monastery had been torn down by his own mother and uncle, he cried for hours on end.

* He was furious and refused to speak to his mother for a few days because this monastery was a such a big part of the legacy of peace garmadon tried so desperately to leave behind. He even sacrificed himself for this legacy, and his own mom, garmadon’s wife who should know how important this was better than anyone, tore down a big part of this legacy to build a tea shop.

* When the tea shop was built, the ninja had sleeping quarters in the shop. Lloyd; however, literally took his blanket and slept outside for the first two weeks. (The others begged him to stop when he caught a fever after sleeping in the rain)

* When the ultra dragon was still around, when Lloyd was feeling sad or lonely, he wold go and sleep in the dragon keep with them. All four heads would nuzzle around him and comfort him until he fell asleep.

* Lloyd and the other ninja burst into musical numbers all the time. If one of them starts a number, the rest are literally legally obligated to join in.

* The first few days after Lloyd aged up were hard for Wu because he looked so much like garmadon

* His anxiety can be really horrible, especially after Morro, and to help with it and make sure it doesn’t get in the way of doing his job, Lloyd takes medication for it.

* Lloyd has a tendency to overwork himself because he constantly feels he needs to prove that he is good enough. Wu sometimes finds this very concerning, because 1) overworking yourself isn’t good for you, but more importantly, in some way, Lloyd’s need to constantly be working and proving his worth reminds Wu a bit of Morro.

* Of course it’s very different. Morro wanted to prove he is the best, while Lloyd wants to prove that he is good enough and worth loving and caring about

* It is so incredibly hard for Lloyd to resist the forbidden scroll’s power, because he has always struggled with self worth, and this scroll gives him power that makes him so important and useful

* After season 2, when Lloyd was receiving awards for destroying the overlord, an alarming amount of new mothers approached Lloyd, telling him they named their baby Lloyd. It kinda freaked Lloyd out, to be honest

* Lloyd’s puppy eyes can convince anyone of anything. Whenever the ninja need to convince Wu of something, they send Lloyd.

* Lloyd knows what places on the bounty each ninja visits most often, so after a hard battle or if one of his siblings is having a bad day, he’ll stick little post it notes with nice messages in all of those places.

* He ends every note with “I love you so much. Love, Lloyd” and a little heart

* After the Morro incident, every single day, Wu would find a new note on his teapot, telling him what an amazing teacher he was, or how much he meant to the ninja.

* After skybound, Lloyd could tell that Jay was hiding something and that he was acting different, so he left a note every day on all of jay’s inventions and the video game console

* He left some for Cole on the refrigerator after he became a ghost

* For Nya and Kai it’s whenever they’re having a bad day. Sometimes Lloyd leaves them on random days, just to remind his big brother and sister how much they mean to him

* For Zane it’s on bad days as well

* After season 8/9 the others started doing it for him. The day after garmadon was defeated, Lloyd woke up to little notes on all of his belongings, from his sword, to his towel to his comics. He kept every single on of them.