#endgame anxiety
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Carmy had an anxiety attack and Sydney stopped it
The Bear | 3x3 | Hands
Let us not overlook the fact that this season Miss Adamu ALSO reverted another one of his attacks, just because we focus on her girlboss speech. OK? The girl bossing is great, sure, but that's not the point.
The point is that Carmy was having a stress-induced anxiety attack in the middle of service, which given S2 eps 9 and 10, was bound to happen this season, of course. And Syd stopped it. Very Sydcarmy material, IK. THAT IS THE POINT. But the B side of that point is that so far I saw NO ONE on Tumblr focusing on that part of this scene, unfortunately. Please make my day and correct me if I'm wrong. Show me a post where this guy is showed some compassion when analyzing this scene, and not a post just cheering up on her girlboss one-liner and butch-femme energy. It's like no one cares. Don't get me wrong, I'm ALL ABOUT that girlboss vibe too, one thing doesn't cancel the other one out in my book. But go ahead, show me that post that highlights his anxiety attack too when meta-analyzing that scene, I haven't found it yet. I'm not gonna lie, because of course I prefer to be right than popular: It pains me and infuriates me in equal measure that just because we all love Syd, some people seem to think that's some sort of license to completely disregard Carmy's mental health deprecating by the minute throughout the entire season, in a rather painfully obvious way, since he got out of that walk-in.
Anyway... Moving on. There's more.
Her words or even energy were not what calmed him down and prompted him to get out of the anxiety attack zone and collect himself, it was looking at her eyes. They locked eyes, held their gazes, and only then he was finally able to get it together. In that order, as can be clearly seen in the vid above. Itâs the order what matters, he calmed down AFTER locking eyes for a moment, you can see the shift in his energy not as she was telling him she couldnât babysitter him but AFTER looking at her with piercing eyes for a sec.
Anxiety attacks and panic attacks are not the same. I encourage you to do the research because if you really care you will and this post is not supposed to be educational, I'm not in the mood for that today, this post is cathartic for me. What I will say though is that patients with panic attacks also suffer from anxiety and can also have anxiety attacks. Some even find it hard to differentiate one from the other. Professionals don't. The difference is quite clear: The build-up, the symptoms, the intensity, the duration, etc. Carmy is a C-PTSD textbook case.
The stressor that triggered his anxiety attack this time around was the lack of HANDS, which can also be a metaphor for the lack of help Carmy gets. Syd is pretty much the only one who really helps him. Ever. He's surrounded by people, yet very alone. Granted, he's not the best at asking for help, and he's not the best leader either, and there's only so much Nat can do being in her 3rd trimester and all, etc, so like I said, it was bound to happen to him, and it did, and when it did, Syd put out the fire with her presence and her calm.
She didn't patronize him, he's not a victim around her, he's just himself. He's certainly not cool-relaxed Logan either, she's not his babysitter, and she's just as stressed out as he is, but she compensated his lack of temperance with her peace firmness, and he responded to it. Because even in the middle of an anxiety attack, Carmy never gets his eyes off the prize. HE HAS TO WIN THAT STAR FOR HER, NO MATTER THE COST â She's his star.
Let us please also notice the fact that the C person MADE YET ANOTHER APPEARANCE IN THE MIST OF HIS ATTACK. That's the guilt I mentioned HERE, eating him away inside and causing him apprehension in the least convenient moment because once an anxiety attack strikes, your defenses are down and whatever you are trying to bury deep down your psyche comes up full force. So she keeps contributing to his anxiety even when they're not even together anymore. Classic.
He also thought about the other source of guilt that is eating him away, his fallout with Richie and how his Cousin didn't forgive him yet, even when he apologized to him and told him he loved him.
Another stressor: GUILT.
OK. Thanks for coming to my TED talk about how Syd calms Carmy the fuck down every single time and I need him to do the same for her in the hallway in 04x01 and return the favor, or I will set FX on fire. Because in case you didn't notice, this post was actually about THAT.
Bonus track: To calm down he willingly tried to think of things and people that bring him peace, and not only he definitely didn't think of C at that moment, he thought of Nat, of his time in CA and in Copenhagen, and this time around HE DID NOT ALLOW HIMSELF TO THINK ABOUT SYD, WHO HE KNEW WOULD HAVE ENDED THE EPISODE ON THE SPOT. He deliberately didn't. But she showed up and did the trick anyway:
Remember to follow my tag #Gingerpovs đ
#sydcarmy#the bear#carmy berzatto#sydney adamu#the bear season 3#carmen berzatto#carmy x sydney#the bear fx#the bear hulu#syd x carmen#gingerpovs#sydcarmy endgame#the bear meta#sydcarmy meta#claire who?#HE HAD A FUCKING ANXIETY ATTACK IN THE MIDDLE OF SERVICE AND NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE
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@beluvbug âs PoGD au has me wagging my dogboy aj kin tail
got me thinking abt my other ponykin and how to uhhhh yknow, hurt her, and i give u⌠princess of intrusive thoughts. honestly projecting on a pony is really cathartic. you should try it sometime
#theyre nonbinary theyre autistic they have bpd and ocd and depression and anxiety#and you cant tell me otherwise!!! also some psychosis or schizoaffective in there. BC I CAN!!!#theyre supposed to have always wanted this. this should b endgame#they should b happyâŚ. but it feels wrong its all wrong#these wings arent mine. these feathers werent meant for me.#my whole purpose in life was to make these friends and now im a freak and they hate me. also i will outlive them all times infinity#pull them off! pull them off!! take me back to do it again!#anyways. lol#my art#mlp#twilight sparkle#repost bc i wanted to word things differently
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wide awake, but you aren't here | 2.6k words
You are the heart, Mike. Thatâs what Will had said, and maybe it was trueâgod, Mike wanted it so bad to be true. But Will⌠he is the one that makes that heart do all these weird things, who makes it want to beat right out of Mikeâs chest. Mike doesnât have any control over it and it should be scary, but Mike⌠doesnât feel afraid, because if Will is the one holding his heart in his hands, then Mike can be sure he will be gentle with it, no matter how bruised and maimed that heart might be.
or; The Cali gang stay at a motel on their way back to Hawkins. Will and Mike have to share a room and of course there's just one bed. Things are Awkward.
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sooooo, i did something? i posted my first ao3 fic? somehow? and it all happened just this morning? this was... wild. anyhow uhm i hope you like it if you decide to give it a shot! and if you do then uh let me know!
#this is both exciting and terrifying#gonna run away now bc i can't deal with the pressure and anxiety this is giving me#byler#byler tumblr#byler fic#byler ao3#mike x will#byler endgame#will x mike#first ao3 fic#my fics
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I hate to admit this but... even though I'm so incredibly happy for Bi-Buck I'm so damn anxious about the Buddie of it all, I want them together soooo bad but for some reason I fear they won't get together... and don't get me wrong, they can get with whoever they want, I was even ready to accept that they were never going to be queer or anything ... but then this happened and the possibility came to be and now my anxiety is over the top... I'm liking the Tommy phase... but... my buddie dreams đ
#911 spoilers#911 on abc#bi evan buckley#evan 'buck' buckley#eddie diaz#tommy kinard#buddie#my anxiety is through the roof#please let us have them đ#buddie endgame
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Juleka vs. the Forces of the Universe
Ch16 Juleka vs. the Forces of Alya CĂŠsaire
Juleka vs. the Forces of the Universe (AO3)
There are a couple of people I need to thank for this chapter.
First of all, a big thank you to @mintaka14, for letting me borrow Roarr's name for makeup from Living Arrangements (It's such a good read and I highly recommend it).
And a huge thank you to @verfound for helping me through the crisis of confidence this chapter gave me, and for beating some sense into me (with love and giggles as you pointed out all my dumb typos đ). I would still be spinning myself in circles if it weren't for you, so thank you for beta reading this!!! đđđđ And for letting Dingo and Bri stay when they insistent on being mentioned in this chapter đ
Finally, a huge thank you to all of you for the ongoing support and kindness. It really means so much to me, and I can't thank you enough.
A little bit of house keeping now. The next chapter is likely going to take quite a bit of time, especially because I have bits and pieces of it written and it always takes longer to write a chapter that already has pieces I need to integrate in.
Also, I'm issuing a content warning for this chapter. Juleka's anxiety is very prevalent in this chapter. I don't describe it in detail, but it is present in the majority of the chapter. Please use your best judgement when deciding if this is something you're comfortable with. I would much rather you take care of yourself and skip a chapter than read something that might upset or trigger you. đ
With all of the being said, I hope you enjoy the chapter!!! đđđđ
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The classroom was warm, just shy of uncomfortably so. And Bustierâs voice was nothing but cloying white noise; she had no idea what her teacher had been droning on about for the past half hour, and she sincerely doubted anyone else did either.Â
All of their year end tests were written and done. Their projects submitted. Their lockers mostly cleared out.Â
Now all that was left to do was make it to the end of the second last day of classes.Â
Sleepily, she blinked her eyes and let her attention wander to the rest of the class. It seemed they were all paying as much attention to Bustier as she was. Ivan was drumming out a beat on his desk with his fingers, bopping his head along to the nearly indecipherable sound. Alix was leaning back in her seat, and was barely making an effort to hide the fact that she was playing on her phone. Kim was out cold, and Max and Markov were reading something on Maxâs phone. Nathaniel was drawing, and beside her, Rose was doodling.Â
She let out a sleepy sigh as her gaze drifted towards the front of the classroom. Chloe and Sabrinaâs seats were empty; apparently they were skipping again. It wasnât like they were missing much. She propped her cheek in her hand as her gaze travelled across the aisle.Â
Adrien had been in a funk all day. He had tried to hide it, but little cracks in his facade had let it shine through. But it seemed everyone had assumed it was because the school year was almost over, and he wouldnât see them every day anymore. At lunch, most of the class had tried to console him, assuring him that when he wasnât busy or travelling over the summer that they would all hang out and that they would call and text. Maybe that was contributing to his funk. But given the argument he had had with Ladybug last night⌠well, her money was on that.Â
She was still on edge from last night.Â
And given the look Chat had given her last night⌠In all honesty, they were just lucky Shadowmoth needed time to recharge between akumas. That, and thatâaccording to Roarrâwearing a miraculous provided some protection against akumatization. OtherwiseâŚÂ
Well, they were all lucky they were just dealing with a moping classmate. That, andâŚÂ
Marinette had been uncharacteristically quiet today. Her mind had very obviously been elsewhere for most of the day. She assumed everything that had gone down last night was what had Marinette so preoccupied. Pensive even.Â
During morning break, after Marinette and Nathaniel had gone to the art room to discuss some costume ideas for the comic with Marc, when she had been coming back from the washroom she had overheard Alya telling the rest of the girls Marinette was obviously thinking about summer break and Adrien.Â
She turned her attention to Alya and Nino.Â
They were very obviously texting each other. Which, to be fair, wasnât exactly uncommon. Or something to be suspicious about. But considering the way Alya had been acting the past couple of weeksâŚÂ
That, and every so often, Nino would sneak a glance back at her.Â
Well, sneak was being generous⌠It was obvious he was either trying to be subtle, or that he thought he was being subtle. Either way, he wasnât. M. Damocles always gave her grief about her hair, asking her how she could see with her hair covering half her face. What heâand many people for that matterâseemed to forget was that hair was hardly a brick wall. Sure, it obscured her vision a bit. But she could see through her hair well enough to see Nino glancing back at her over his shoulder every time he thought she wasnât looking. Just like she saw Alya kick the back of his bench every time she caught him looking back at her.Â
Really, it was a wonder Bustier hadnât noticed what was going on.Â
Honestly, she had to wonder if Bustier had noticed her class wasnât paying attention and was letting it slide, or if she actually was that oblivious.
She stifled a yawn as she directed her gaze to the clock. The time was crawling by. She could swear that clock had said twenty after three for the past half hour.Â
Sighing, she dragged her gaze away from the clock. It seemed a watched clock didnât move anywaysâŚ.
Her frown returned as her eyes settled on Adrien once again.Â
The past few weeks had been hard, having to be civil to Adrien in class when she knew he was Chat. When he was making her life a headache with his constant whining and tantrums. But coming into class this morning⌠it had been really hard to act normally towards him. Thankfully, he never really interacted with her all that much anyways, but he hadgreeter her along with the rest of the class when she had come in.Â
And she had done her best.Â
She really had.Â
But she had maybe been a littleâŚÂ cool with her greeting. Which was frankly way more than he deserved. The good thing about being quiet was that people generally didnât take note when she was extra quiet, and they didnât tend to pick up on the nuances of her voice. Rose would have, and so would Marinette. But neither of them had been there when she had entered the room. So no one had really seemed to notice.Â
ExceptâŚÂ
Alyaâs eyes had narrowed as soon as she had mumbled her reply to Adrien. It was hard to tell if Alya knew she had seen the way her eyes had narrowed, given she had caught it out of the corner of her eye herself. But she knew she hadnât imagined it, because as soon as she did look directly at Alya, her expression had shifted into a casual smile. Â
But she had felt eyes on her as she had made her way back to her seat.Â
She didnât like it. All the hidden looks and glances from Alya. Coupled with those messages- the curt and deleted ones, And the pushiness and insistence on her voicing her support for the schemesâŚÂ
It was weird.Â
But NinoâŚÂ
She cast a surreptitious glance down at Nino. He quickly turned away, his hat slipping with the movement. Subtle indeed. He couldnât have been more blatant if he had tried.Â
As weird as Alya had been the past couple of weeksâŚwell, it was even weirder coming from him.
She sighed. There was no real point in dwelling on it though. Alya⌠she didnât like to think about it, but Alya was definitely getting suspicious. That was the only explanation- though if Alya was suspicious, why was she still insisting on her helping with the schemes?Â
It didnât make sense.Â
Regardless, if Alya was suspicious, well, it was safe to assume she had shared her suspicions with Nino.Â
ThisâŚÂ complicated things.Â
She would need to be even more careful going forward.
Sighing to herself, she folded her arms on her desk and rested her chin on them. At least, if she was deep in thought, she would look like she was paying attention if Bustier clued in to the fact her lesson was going unheard.Â
***
They were gathered at the base of the front steps to the school, a little off to the side so as not to end up trampled by the steady stream of students emerging from the building, clearly excited by the prospect of only one day left in the school year.Â
âAnd youâre sure you donât have time for ice cream?â Alya wheedled. âI can text Nino. He and the guys were going to shoot some hoops, but Iâm sure they wouldnât mind a change of plans. You know Adrien loves Andreâs ice cream.âÂ
She had to fight to keep herself from rolling her eyes.Â
Even if that particular ploy was weak by Alyaâs standards, Alya was never one to miss an opportunityâŚÂ
Marinette shook her head, and she could have sworn she caught sight of her rolling her eyes⌠âNo, I need to head home. I still need to finish my dress.âÂ
âAre you going to finish in time?â Mylène asked worriedly.Â
Marinette nodded. âItâll probably be cutting it a bit close, but Iâll have it done.â Â
âI can wait to see it,â Rose sighed dreamily, âI canât even imagine what youâve cooked up this time!â
âNeither can I,â Alya agreed. âAnd it doesnât help that my bestie wonât even give me a sneak peek,â Alya added in a playfully pointed voice.Â
Marinette let out a semi-exasperated sigh. âI told you, it isnât ready to be seen yet. Besides, youâll all see it tomorrow.âÂ
âFine, fine. But you canât blame a girl for trying,â Alya laughed. âBut youâre going to look amazing, I just know Adrien wonât be able to take his eyes off of you!âÂ
Marinetteâs smile faltered for a second at Alyaâs words, before returning. But it was tighter than before. Less genuine.Â
âIâm just looking forward to wearing it,â Marinette said noncommittally.Â
âI sure hope so, given how much time youâve been spending on it. You missed one heck of a race last weekend. You should have seen how close-â
âIâm sure there will be plenty more races for Marinette to watch,â Mylène said, gently cutting Alix off before she could get too far into regaling them with every detail of the race. Again.Â
âWhenâs the next one?âÂ
âThird day of break,â Alix grinned, âWe both figured we would want to sleep in after the dance and Max has a dentist appointment the second day of break.âÂ
âI think that should work! We could do a picnic?âÂ
âA victory picnic, I like it!âÂ
âYou havenât won yet,â she mumbled with a chuckle.Â
Alix stuck her tongue out at her. âYet.âÂ
âAnyways, I should get goingâŚâ Marinette said, taking an awkward little half-step back. âThe dress wonât finish itself after all.âÂ
âOf course. Text if you need anything?â she asked. Â
âOr if youâre bored!â Rose added as she stepped in to hug Marinette as well.Â
âI will,â Marinette promised; there was a hint of laughter in her voice. She may have have been responding to Rose⌠but Marinetteâs eyes were on her. With a smile, Marinette stepped forward and hugged her goodbye.Â
Over Marinetteâs head, she caught what looked like a frown flickering across Alyaâs face. But then Marinette was pulling away, and once she had stepped back out of the hug, the look on Alyaâs face was gone.Â
Once all the goodbye hugs were exchanged, and Marinette was out of sight, Alya turned to the rest of them. âOk, since ice cream was a bust, we can head straight to my place. Itâs probably a good thing anyways, we have lots to get through.â
She fell into step with the rest of the group as they made their way towards Alyaâs place, though she lagged a little behind Alya, Alix, and Mylène. As they made their way through the streets, Alya began going through a list of things they would need to prepare for one of the many plans they had cooked up for tomorrow.Â
Because of course it couldnât just be one plan. Â
Alya had insisted that they plan multiple schemes.Â
Each of which, of course, had a ridiculous name.Â
âSo for phase âBelle of the Ball,â weâll need to make sureâŚâ She only listened with half an ear as she followed along behind the rest of the girls. They had spent the past two weeks cooking up all of these plots, she knew them like the back of her own hand. They all did, as Alix had pointed out when protesting to this last scheming session.Â
But Alya had insisted.Â
As Alya had pointed outâwhile casting a glance in her directionâsomething always went wrong with the plans. And that meant they had to be ready.Â
Under other circumstancesâbefore she had found herself going toe to toe with Alyaâshe found Alyaâs tenacity and determination admirable. She was bold and willing to do whatever it took to reach her goals. She was the very definition of if at first you donât succeedâŚ
The thing was, she couldnât help but wonder⌠it wasnât just that Alyaâs scheming was bad for Marinette⌠at timesâŚÂ most of the time, the more she thought about it⌠it felt like it was bad for Alya.Â
Alya was tenacious. Determined. Though some people might say headstrong or even pig-headed. Alya wasnât afraid to go after what she wanted. And, despite what her actions may have screamed, she cared about her friendsâ happiness.Â
The problem was, Alya had something of a tunnel vision problem. She was so fixated on the idea of Marinette liking Adrien that she couldnâtâor maybe wouldnâtâacknowledge the fact that Marinette had moved on. Just like how she was so caught up in the pursuit of Ladybugâs identity, and the idea of Ladybug and Chat Noir being destined soulmates that she couldnât see what was staring her straight in the face.Â
âYou ok?â Roseâs voice jolted her from her thoughts. She looked down at Rose, who had fallen into step beside her. âYou looked far away,â Rose said as she slipped her hand into hers.Â
âYeah,â she tried to muster a smile. The feeling of Roseâs hand in hers made it much easier, despite the dour thoughts clouding her mind. âJust thinking,â she said as she laced her fingers with Roseâs.Â
***
She sat in silence as Alya stuck a pin into another colour-coded scrap of paper to fix it to her cork board. The cork board was covered in a rainbow of scraps of paper, each colour indicating a different person, with the scheme name, details, and phase number outlined on them.Â
It was a technicolour disaster.Â
And the more of the schemesâwhich were all phases in the âOperation Fairytale Ballâ plotâAlya added to the board, the more she could feel a headache brewing.Â
It was honestly impressive how Alya managed to keep track of all the details of the various schemes and plots. If journalism didnât work out for her, Alya had a bright future in tactical mission planning ahead of her.Â
ââŚso then when he sees the punch ladle is missing, heâll have to ask her where the spare ones are. And then when she offers to go, Rose, you mention we need more napkins too and suggest Adrien help her.â
Rose made a sound of agreement, not looking up from the plethora of nail polish bottles she had spread out on the floor in front of her.Â
âAnd then Juleka, while theyâre gone, youâll find Luka and keep him busy. By the time they get back, weâll be ready for Phase: Glass Slipper.â Alya finally peeled her gaze away from the cork board to stare at her. Hard. âYouâll be able to do that, right?â There was a challenge in the way Alya was staring at her. It was almost like⌠like she was testing her.Â
âItâs a plan,â she murmured. It was a plan. A terrible one. One she had no intention of carrying out. But it was a plan.Â
Alyaâs eyes hardened at her words. She had been careful to phrase it as the truth. Well, a half-truth. The words were true. But the intention behind them had been a lie.Â
And Alya did not look satisfied: her eyes were hard and narrowed behind her glasses.
Alya opened her mouth to say something, but Mylène of all people interrupted her. âAnd thatâs where the faux flowers come in, right? And what flowers were you thinking?âÂ
She could have answered those questions: yes and red roses. Because they symbolized âtrue love.âÂ
At least all the other colours of roses hadnât been ruined for herâŚÂ
Alya shot her one last look before turning to Mylène. âWe need red roses; theyâre the most romantic flowers. And yeah, once they come back theyâllâŚâÂ
She fought back a frown as best she could as Alya launched into going over every excruciating detail of the next phase of the operation.Â
After the countless hours they had spent cooking up and reviewing these schemes, how could Mylène not remember the flowers? The flowers she was in charge of?
She shook her head to try and clear her thoughts. But as Alya continued on her tirade of the operation, her mind couldnât help but wander.Â
And it seemed she wasnât the only oneâŚÂ
Alix was paying barelyâif anyâattention to the whole conversation. She was flopped out on Alyaâs bed with her legs up the wall and her eyes glued to the screen of her phone.Â
Rose was on the floor, surrounded by an army of nail polish bottles. All in varying shades of pink. It seemed she still hadnât decided on which shade of pink would go best with her outfit for tomorrow.Â
Mylène was sitting beside Alix on the bed, though she wasnât upside-down. She was sitting cross legged, with a pillow in her lap and her chin propped up in her hand, a bored look on her face. Â
âAnd then youâll keep Luka occupied so he doesnât interrupt them, right, Juleka?âÂ
She jumped at the sudden sound of Alyaâvery pointedlyâsaying her name. âSorry, what?âÂ
âYouâll make sure Luka- or anyone else for that matter, doesnât ruin the moment.âÂ
âIâll do my best.âÂ
Alya didnât look satisfied by the answer, but she continued on. Time seemed to drag by as they went through the next four phases of the operation. And it didnât help that it felt like Alya was asking her something every other minute.Â
And she did not like how loaded the questions felt.Â
She did not like it one bit.Â
ââŚand because Nino isnât doing the music, youâll probably need to stall for a while, Alix, while I-âÂ
âYâknow, I really donât see the point of this,â Alix groaned.Â
âWhat? What are you talking about?â Alya demanded as she turned to look at Alix as she crossed her arms.Â
She followed Alyaâs gaze, and watched as Alix rolled to right herself and sit up. âWeâve been over these plans a billiontimes, Alya,â Alix complained before looking back down at her game. Â
âWe have been reviewing them a lot,â Mylène quietly agreed.Â
âBut we have to!â
âDo we?âÂ
Alyaâs gaze snapped to her so quickly, it was a miracle she didnât have whiplash. âOf course we do. Donât you want Marinette and Adrien to be happy?âÂ
She hesitated; it suddenly felt like she was standing in the middle of a minefield. She needed to weigh her words carefully. âOf course I want Marinette to be happy. But sheâs already going with Luka. Canât we just let them enjoy the evening? Canât we just enjoy the evening? Without scheming?â She certainly wouldnât object to a scheme free evening.Â
âJuleka does have a point-â Rose started to say.Â
âYouâre only saying that because sheâs going with your brother.âÂ
Back before she had seen Marinette transform, had she found herself on the receiving end of such a glare, she would have shrunk in on herself. She would have faded into the background. Even a month ago, before she had become a tigress, she probably would have. It was the easy thing to do. Far easier than standing up to anyone.  Â
But she was a tigress now.Â
And tigresses knew how to fade into the background. To move about unseen and undetected.Â
But they also knew how to roar.Â
âNo, Iâm not. I just want her- everyone to enjoy the night. I want Marinette to be happy and-â
âAnd thatâs what I want!â
âThatâs what we all want-â Rose started to say, only to be cut off again.Â
âAfter all the time sheâs spent pining over Adrien, trying so hard to get him to notice her, you just want her to give up?â She met Alyaâs glare with stoney silence. But before she could muster up words to redirect this conversation, or at least stall it, Alyaâs eyes narrowed even further. âI knew it!â she hissed. âI knew something weird was going on-â
âOh not this again,â Alix groaned.Â
âNot what again?âÂ
Mylèneâwho at some point had gotten upâstepped forward tentatively, hands held out as if trying to placate. Though she wasnât sure if it was her or Alya she was trying to calm. âAlya thinks-â
âIÂ know-â
âAlya thinks youâve been messing with the Adrien plansâŚâ
Shoot. âWhat?â
âI told you it was dumb, Alya,â Alix said pointedly before looking up from her game to look at her. âShe thinks youâve been plotting against us.â
Shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot.Â
âWe told her it was just little miscommunications and accidents-â Mylène started to say, only to be cut off.Â
âBut I know itâs been more than that!â
âBut Juleka wouldnât lie to us!â Rose cried out indignantly, knocking over one of her bottles on nail polish as she stood up.
âEverybody lies. Right, Juleka?âÂ
Alya was right. She would lie. She had lied to them. For months.  But she had done it for Marinetteâs sake!Â
And now this left her with a dilemmaâŚ
Was it better to come clean and tell them? Or was it better to stay quiet?
If she told them, she would have to tell them that Marinette had told her that she wanted to be with Luka. But Marinette had sworn her to secrecy, and she couldnât betray Marinetteâs trust. But if she didnât come clean, she would be lying to them, which, granted, she had been doing every time she meddled with a plot⌠but those had always been little white lies!Â
Hadnât they?Â
What was the right thing to do?Â
She could hear the blood rushing past her ears. It was the only sound she could hear. Everything - everyone - was silent. They were all just⌠just silent. Staring at her, waiting for her to- were they waiting for her to respond? Were they waiting for Alya to say something?Â
She was suffocating in the weight of the silence.Â
What was she supposed to do?Â
How did she get herself out of this?Â
âCome on Alya, thatâs enough,â Mylène reprimanded. Her usually quiet voice was like thunder in the silence room. Suddenly, they were all talking
âJust let it go, itâs a stupid thing to fight about-â Alix added, only to be cut off.
âItâs not stupid! Itâs-â
âBijou, itâs ok. Just breatheâŚâÂ
All of their voices were overlapping. Blending into each other until they were an almost indistinguishable cacophony. All muffled by the blood rushing past her ears and the thoughts ricocheting around in her head.Â
What was she supposed to do?
She needed quiet. Peace. To think.Â
She needed to get away.
But how?
For once, Shadowmoth was her saving grace.Â
The akuma alert blared from all of their phones. She jumped at the sound. Alix was the only one who hadnât, actually. Then again, Alix had been the only one to be somewhat disengaged in the growing tension over the Adrienette plots. As Alix had said when they had settled into the meeting, she had mostly been there for the snacks.Â
Quickly, she scanned the akuma alert. There wasnât much information about it, but it was by the tower.Â
Why was it always the tower? It was like akumas and tourists thought that was the only important place in Paris.Â
But it didnât matter.Â
She needed to leave. She needed to be somewhere Ladybug could easily find her if she needed help with this one. And given last night⌠it was a pretty good possibility.Â
She froze when she looked up from her phone, her words dying on her lips. She could also see Alyaâs desperation to go to ground zero of the akuma battle.Â
But Alya also looked like she wasnât done arguing yet.Â
As it was, Alya was at an impasse. Both with herself and with her.Â
Because Alya couldnât stay to argue with her and go get footage for her blog.Â
Or at least, she would be at an impasse with Alya. If she wanted to continue arguing with the equivalent of a brick wall that was.Â
âI gotta go. Need to check on Luka and Ma.â The lie was bitter in her mouth as she dashed towards the door. Â
âBut bijou!âÂ
âIâll be careful!âÂ
She was already out the door before Alyaâs spluttered protests could reach her ears.Â
***
Her feet pounded against the pavement as she ran towards the Liberty.Â
If Ladybug needed her, she needed to be somewhere she would be easy to find.Â
At least her story- her lie about needing to check on Luka and her ma was believable. Of course, neither Luka nor her ma were supposed to be onboard right now. Luka was hanging out with his friends at Aimeeâs place, and her ma was staging fight choreography at a community theatre in a completely different arrondissement. None of the girls knew that though. And the Liberty was docked close enough to the tower that, while not directly in harmâs way, was close enough that under other circumstances she would be worried.Â
But Juleka wouldnât lie to us!
Roseâs words echoing in her head almost brought her to a halt.Â
She needed to keep going.Â
But the words weighed on her.Â
Rose had been wrong. She had lied to them. She had been lying to them for months now.Â
It had never felt great to lie. But they were harmless, small little lies. Or at leastâŚÂ
It had started with little lies. Little white lies. About texting the wrong time or texting the wrong personâŚÂ
But the lies⌠they had become bigger.Â
And so much easier.Â
And the more she lied- whether by omission or fabrication, the harder it was to tell where the line between a half-truth and a lie lay. Was it even really a line anymore?Â
Had there ever been a line?Â
And with how easy the lies, the half-truths, the misdirectionsâŚÂ how easy it had become to lie to her friends, her family⌠how easy it had all becomeâŚÂ
The fact that she had so easily brushed off all of her lies until now⌠until she had been confronted and questioned point blankâŚÂ
What kind of person did that make her?Â
She needed to keep going.Â
She didnât have time for this.Â
But how was she supposed to move forward now? Â
She pumped her arms and legs even harder. Her lungs were starting to burn as she sprinted along the sidewalk, dodging dawdling tourists and ambling people left and right. With every step she took, the same question pounded through her head. Echoing the sound of her feet against the pavement.Â
What was she supposed to do now?Â
Finally, the Liberty came into view. She had barely made it on board when she saw a flash of red drop from the sky, down into the clutter of the meeting place they had hidden amongst all her maâs chaos.Â
She darted over just as Ladybug peeked out from behind a crate.Â
âGood, youâre here. Are you free to help?âÂ
âAlways. So what are we looking at?â she asked as Ladybug pulled the bracelet from her yoyo.Â
âNot sure yet, I wanted to see if I could find you on my way there.â
âWell, glad that worked out,â she chuckled as she slipped the bracelet on. âYeah, Iâm free. Roarr, stripes on!âÂ
***
She stared in disbelief as the âakumaâ was loaded into the back of a police car by an officer.Â
ââŚcame all the way here, and decided he wanted to pull a prank,â Officer Roger groaned as he watched the door to the police car slam shut. âThe embassy will have to deal with him. Tourists,â he added under his breath.Â
âWell,â Ladybug sighed as she massaged her temples, âat least no one was actually akumatized. I might need to do a press conference or something to remind people akumas arenât something to joke about.âÂ
âIâll talk to the Commissioner and Mayor about itâ Roger sighed before turning back to face her and Ladybug. âGood to see you, Ladybug. Purple Tigress, always a pleasure.âÂ
âTake care,â she said with a nod before Officer Roger turned and headed back towards the cluster of police cars. âTalk about a waste of time,â she grumbled as she watched the cars drive off.Â
âYouâd think theyâd learn. Câmon,â Ladybug said, nodding towards the rooflines. Wordlessly, she followed Ladybug up. Once they were balanced on the roof, Ladybug turned to her with a wry smile. âWell, I canât say Iâm sorry it was just a tourist. Youâre still ok for patrol later tonight?âÂ
âYeah.â
âGreat. Thank you, Juleka, youâre really saving my butt right now. Hold onto it until the end of patrol,â Ladybug added before she could finish undoing the clasp on the Miraculous.Â
She nodded. âIâll just message you a good place to meet up once weâre done?â she asked as she fiddled with her Miraculous. Ladybug still took it back most of the time after patrols, but she had gotten to hang onto it overnight a couple times. And she would be lying if she said she didnât mind relinquishing her hold on it. She was going to miss hanging out with Roarr and patrolling the city.Â
âThat sounds perfect.â She glanced up at Ladybug to find her smiling thoughtfully at her. Â
***
She went halfway towards home as Tigress before she ducked into an abandoned back alley. Once she was sure the coast was clear, she dropped her transformation.Â
âI was looking forward to a good fightâŚâ Roarr complained as soon as she was out of the Miraculous.Â
âI know,â she murmured, holding out her hand to the disgruntled kwami. âBut itâs just as well. Ladybug doesnât have much time left to work on her project, and Iâm all out of emergency candy.âÂ
âI guessâŚâ Roarr mumbled as she settled into her palm. Despite her obvious disappointment at the lack of a fight, the kwami seemed unable to stop herself from purring as she stroked the soft fur on her head.Â
âI need to stop by the store on the way home and pick up some more eyeliner-â
âYour war paint,â Roarr corrected.Â
âSure, my âwar paint,â but Iâll get you some more emergency candy. AndâŚâ she said, a smirk drawing across her face as Roarrâs ears twitched at the shift in her tone, âIâll get you some anchovies too.â She couldnât help but wrinkle her nose at the thought of the smelly, canned fish that Roarr adored. âWould that make you feel better?â
âI supposeâŚâ Roarr said, her purr slipping into her voice.Â
âCome on then,â she said, gesturing to backpack. As soon as Roarr was safely hidden in her pack, she shrugged it back onto her shoulder and slipped out of the alley.Â
Once she stepped into the store, she made her way to the cosmetics aisle. Listlessly, she began perusing the display racks. Normally she enjoyed shopping for makeupâespecially when her favourite eyeliner was on saleâbut the deal on her favourite brand of eyeliner didnât muster the usual excitement it would have.Â
Getting excited over a good price on eyeliner felt trivial compared to everything that was going on right now.Â
âWhatâs wrong, Juleka?âÂ
She jumped at the sudden sound of Roarrâs voice in her ear.Â
âWhat are you doing?â she hissed. âGet back in my bag before someone sees you!â She cast a glance around the aisle, but thankfully no one else was browsing the cosmetics.Â
âItâs fine, your hair is so thick no one can see me when Iâm hidden in it.â She let out a sigh of exasperation, but Roarr continued on, undeterred. âSo whatâs the matter? Usually youâre happy when youâre looking at all this stuff,â she felt Roarrâs tail flick against her ear, âbut you arenât today.âÂ
âWell,â she said slowly as she picked up a random lipstick off the shelf and made a show of looking at the packaging. Hopefully, if anyone came into this section of the store, it would look like she was just mumbling over the packing of the lipstick instead of talking to her hair. âAlya caught on to what Iâve been up toâŚâÂ
As she continued through the store, she filled Roarr in as quickly as she could, pausing in front of random displays under the guise of browsing to give herself more time to explain everything.  Or at least, everything she could. But even that was only half the truth. Roarr still didnât know that she knew Marinette was Ladybug, only that she had been interfering with the plots to get Adrien and Marinette together.Â
Even confiding about her dilemma was a mockery of it. Â
ââŚand itâs just a huge mess now,â she groaned as she dropped another bag of Roarrâs favourite candies into her shopping basket. Â
âSo what are you going to do?âÂ
âI donât want to keep lying-âÂ
âI didnât ask what you didnât want to do. I asked what youâre going to do?âÂ
âI donât know. I mean- Bustier is always drilling it into use that lying is wrong, and theyâre my friendsâŚâÂ
âButâŚ?âÂ
âBut if I tell them, theyâll ask questions. Alya will demand answers. Answers I canât give without betraying Marinetteâs trust. And I would never do that.âÂ
Roarr let out a satisfied purr. âA good tigress protects her own, and youâre a great Tigress. This Marinette girl is lucky to have you.âÂ
She bit back a wry smile at the way Roarr distanced herself from Marinette. âBut what should I do? Whatâs the right thing to do?âÂ
Roarr let out something that was a cross between a yowl and a sigh. âYouâre asking someone whoâs kept her existence a secret from the world for millennia. As for the right thing⌠you mortals have such rigid understandings of what those concepts mean. Thereâs right and wrong, and thereâs right and wrong.âÂ
âSo⌠you think I should lie?â
âA Tigress fights her own battles, whether with her claws or her head.â Roarr nuzzled against the back of her neck. âTrust your judgment. You may not realize it, but you know what youâre doing.â
***
As she began making her way back home, she tried to think of how she would do her makeup for the dance. She already had a pretty clear idea, but there were still a few details she needed to decide on. Same with her hair. And her nails.Â
Really, she tried to think about anything except what had gone down during the meeting. But as hard as she tried, her mind kept finding its way back. Relieving every moment of it.Â
And dwelling on all of it.Â
âI told you it was dumb.â
Except, it wasnâtâŚÂ
âWe told her it was just little miscommunications and accidents.â
There had been nothing accidental about any of itâŚÂ
âBut I know itâs been more than that!â
And the one time Alya was rightâŚÂ
She could tell them. She could come clean and fess up. Tell them- not everything. But she could tell them she had been sabotaging the schemes.Â
Except she couldnât.Â
Lying was wrong.Â
But right now, telling the truth didnât feel right either.Â
And while Roarrâs advice- well, it felt like a stretch to call it advice⌠but while Roarrâs words had comforted her, they hadnât really given her an answer.
If anything, Roarr had only given her more food for thought. And it was tough things to chew on.  Â
By the time she was trudging across the gangplank, she was still no closer to an answer. If anything, it felt like she had spiralled further away from one.Â
âHey, Jules,â she looked up from her feet, where her gaze had drifted at some point during the walk home. Luka was sitting on the edge of the stage, his guitar in hand.Â
âYouâre back already?â
âYeah, Nadine had an audition tonight and Bri had a shift, so we packed it in early. Captain called by the way, sheâs going to be later than she thought and the crew is all grabbing a bite so itâs just you and me for dinner. Weâre doing takeout, anything you feel like?âÂ
âIâm good with whatever. Just no-â
âOlives. I know,â he chuckled as he idly strummed his guitar. But then he frowned. He strummed the same notes again before he looked up from his guitar to meet her gaze. âIs everything ok? You sound a little flat.âÂ
She hesitated. Luka was always the first person she turned to for advice. But he was⌠well, he was honest. And she knew honesty and lies were a bit of a sore subject for him, given their maâs refusal to tell him the truth about his father. Â
âCâmon Jules, you know you can talk about anything with me,â he said as he set his guitar aside and patted the empty stage next to him.Â
She sighed as she sat down next to him. âWhat are your thoughts about⌠about lies? And lying?âÂ
âWhat do you mean?âÂ
âIs the truth always better than a lie?âÂ
He turned to her with puzzlement and concern written all over his face. âWhatâs this all about, Jules?âÂ
âSay you werenât beingâŚÂ entirely honest about something to a friend.â
âUh-huh.â
âAnd you were doing it because at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do, even though you didnât like it. And now some people think youâre telling the truth and others think youâre lying and you suddenly arenât sure-âÂ
âJules,â Lukaâs voice was quiet and gentle, but firm. âTake a breath.â She did as he told her, and once he seemed satisfied that she was at least a little calmer, he continued. âNow, why donât you tell me what this is all about?âÂ
She sighed. If there was one person she could be straight with about her recent involvement in the Adrien schemes, it was Luka. âYou know how the girls and I used to plot all those schemes to get Adrien and Marinette together?âÂ
âYeah I- used to? I thought those were still happening. Or did they stop when I asked-â
âThey are. Like Alya would give up.â Luka snorted at that. âBut⌠but Iâve maybe been kind of completely sabotaging them for months now.â She spat the words out as quickly as she could, and she suddenly felt so much lighter.Â
âReally? You donât sayâŚâ The sarcasm was practically dripping from his voice. âWhat?â he added when she snapped her head to stare incredulously at him. âAll those times you found excuses for me to spend time with Marinette? You know Couaffines can only be so subtle.â He had a point: she was still her motherâs daughter after all. And maybe subtlety had gone by the wayside when she had been dealing with him⌠but subtlety only went so far when dealing with her brotherâs particular brand of idiotâŚÂ   Â
âAnd youâve been telling me to ask her out for months. Remember?â She rolled her eyes, but allowed herself a wry smile at the memory of the multitude of headaches he had caused her. âSo I take it youâre asking me this because the girls found out?â
âAlya suspects. The rest of the girls think sheâs being paranoid.â
âAnd you donât know if itâs better to come clean?â She nodded glumly. He sighed as he leaned back on his hands. âHonestly, I donât know, Jules. It sucks being lied to, and theyâll probably find out eventually.â
âBut if I have a reason not to tell them?âÂ
Really, it was a matter of reasons.Â
âIt would have to be a pretty good reason. At least, I think so. And I guess thatâs where it gets more complicated. Is it better to hide the truth because it hurts? Or will it hurt more when they find out youâve been lying to them? Will the lies even protect them from the hurt?â
Her gaze dropped down to her lap.Â
They would be hurt.Â
If she told the truth now, they would be hurt. But they would also be hurt if she told them the truth later. Â
If she didnât tell them, if she kept lying and they found out, they would be hurt.Â
But if she told them the truth, Marinette would also be hurt.Â
She would be going back on a promise.Â
And if she kept lying and they all found out she had been meddling, would Marinette be hurt then too?Â
No matter what she did, someone could end up getting hurt.Â
She saw Luka shift out of the corner of her eye. She turned in time to see him shift to gaze down at his bracelets. She watched as he flicked listlessly at them. To anyone else, it would look like he was just fiddling with his jewelry. But the way he was flicking at it⌠it was obvious he was thinking about a particular bracelet. Â
âBut I think⌠well, there are some lies that need to be told. I made you promise not to tell anyone about how I felt about Marinette-â Â
âWhich I didnât.âÂ
âBut Iâm guessing you had to tell lies to keep it a secret?â Â
She had certainly beenâŚÂ creative with the truth. âIt wasnât my secret to tell.â  Â
He turned to her with heavy eyes and a grateful smile. âAnd I think that makes things more complicated too. Keeping secrets but also being honest.â He had no idea. âHonestly, Jules, I donât think I have an answer for you. I donât think itâs an easy black and white problem.â
âI figured as much.â With another wry smile, she stood up. âIâm going to go chill for a bit, and then I have to go out again. Are you ok if we have a late dinner?âÂ
âWorks for me. Tom and Sabine sent Aimee home with a ton of stuff and Nadine brought falafel and fatayers-â
âDid you bring me any?âÂ
âYou really think there was any left by the time everyone had their fill?â
âDingo ate most of it, didnât he?âÂ
âOf course he did.â
âYou owe me then.â
âWouldnât Dingo-â
âWell, better you had all of that today.â If she was going to bring a dour mood to the boat, it was also up to her to break it. âWouldnât want you to have garlic breath for Marinette, now would we?âÂ
âJules!âÂ
She smirked as she walked away; she didnât need to look to know his ears were probably glowing bright red.Â
âCoast is clear,â she murmured once she was in her room. Roarr zipped out of her bag to hover over her shoulder with wide, pleading eyes as she unpacked her shopping bag. With the emergency candy stashed in her backpack and purses, and her new makeup carefully arranged on her dressing table, she rolled her eyes affectionately and pulled out the can of anchovies with only a little disgust. Â
âAnd you said I could watch videos on your phone while you readâŚâ Roarr wheedled, giving her her best puppyâkitty?âeyes as she clutched the unopened can to her. She liked to use her claws to open them. Or, as Roarr called it, delivering the killing strike.Â
She pulled her phone out of the depths of her bag; just as she was passing it to Roarr, her stomach plummeted to the bottom of the Seine.Â
Two missed texts from Alix.Â
Five from Mylène.Â
Thirteen from Rose.Â
Between the false alarm, her shopping expedition, and her rather preoccupied walk home, she hadnât thought to check her phoneâŚÂ Â
Rose đšđ: I wanted to say sorry
Rose đšđ: I feel really bad about not telling youÂ
Rose đšđ: I didnât think Alya would be so intense
Rose đšđ: I thought it would be better to just go along
Rose đšđ: that she would realize sooner or later she didnât need to worry Â
Rose had sent those messages ages ago.Â
And she hadnât responded.Â
Quickly, she began typing. She just hoped Rose didnât think she was mad.Â
Queen of Darkness đŚ: I'm so sorry! I got home but the akuma was a false alarm so I went out to get more eyeliner for tomorrow and I didnât check my phone! I promise I wasnât ignoring you Â
It wasnât the full or exact truth. But she had picked up eyeliner. And hadnât been ignoring Roseâor the rest of the girlsâon purpose.  Â
But it still felt like a lie.Â
Dots appeared on the screen immediately.Â
Rose đšđ: Itâs ok!!!!!
Rose đšđ: I wanted to say sorry
Rose đšđ: actually
Rose đšđ: can I call you????
Rose đšđ: I want to say it properlyÂ
She pressed the dial button, and Rose picked up before the first ring could even finish.Â
âAngel, Iâm-â Â
âIâm so sorry, bijou!â The anguish in Roseâs voice was palpable. âI should have never let things go so far! I should have told you right away! Or at least sooner! Before it ever came to this! But I thought it would be better to just try and go with it. That maybe she would give up? Or see reason- I donât know but the point is-â
âRose. Rose. Slow down. Take a nice deep breath for me,â she waited while she listened to Rose inhale deeply and then exhale. âCan you start at the beginning? Because honestly, I donât really know exactly what it is youâre apologizing for.âÂ
Rose sniffled. âYeah, I can do that. I just, please donât be mad at me,â Roseâs words tumbled out in an almost incomprehensible stream.Â
âTake another breath.â She waited while she again listened to Roseâs breathing. Usually, it was Rose telling her to take a deep breath. âOk?âÂ
âYeah.â Over the line, she heard Rose take in a shaky breath, like she was trying to work herself up to say whatever it was she was apologizing for. âOk, so you remember when we went shopping? And Luka bumped into the guys while he was out buying guitar strings? And he joined us all for lunch, and asked Marinette to the dance and sat beside her during lunch?â
How could she forget? Â
âWell, Alya thought that you had made Luka come. That you had ruined her plan on purpose.â
Which she had.Â
âAnd- well, she told us that she thought it was weird how the schemes with Adrien seemed to be going worse and worse the last few months. And she thought⌠well, she made this chartâŚâ
Of course she had.Â
âIt started with that time you texted Marinette the wrong time for the movie. And, well, she was just so sure that you were trying to ruin things with Adrien. We all tried to tell her how ridiculous it was! You would never do anything to ruin Marinetteâs love life.â
Technically true. Just not in the way Rose thoughtâŚÂ
âBut you know how Alya can be sometimesâŚâ
Try always.Â
âAnd she was so sure that you were sabotaging things so she set up secret meetings without you to plan other schemes that you wouldnât know about.â
So was that what the unsent message had been about?
âAnd she said that if the schemes we planned at the meetings you were there for went wrong, that would be proof that you were meddling.âÂ
âBut the plans always go wrong.â
Sometimes, they just needed a helping hand.Â
âThatâs what we all told her. But she was so insistent. She wouldnât listen to reason! And we- well, we went along with it. The secret meetings, I mean. The day I said I couldnât go to lunchâŚâÂ
âThere was another meeting after the one I went to.â It wasnât even a question at this point.Â
âI didnât like it. None of us did. But⌠I guess we thought that maybe we could get her to listen if we humoured her for a bit? Help her realize how silly she was being about the whole thing. I think we all hoped she would realize herself.  Beforeshe could make any accusations like she did. Thatâs what we wanted to avoid. None of us liked it. Leaving you out that way. Lying and going behind your back. I wanted to tell you. We all did. But- weâŚâ On the other end of the line, Rose descended into a fresh wave of tears and sniffles.Â
âShhh, itâs ok,â she murmured gently. It took a while, but after several minutes of offering quiet, and what she hoped were soothing and comforting, words of encouragement, Rose was able to talk through her tears again.Â
âI didnât like lying to you. But I thought it was the right thing to do. Please donât be mad at me- you have every right to be- but at least let me make it up to you. Please?â
Her heart twisted at Roseâs words. At the tears in her voice.Â
How could she be mad at Rose? Especially when she had been lying for far longer.Â
She hesitated.Â
She could tell Rose. She could tell her that Alya was right, and that she had been sabotaging the plans the whole time.Â
But not without going back on her promiseâŚÂ Â
âI know,â she said quietly. âAnd Iâm not angry; I understand why you didnât tell me.â The words tingled on the tip of her tongue. But⌠she couldnât. âYour heart was in the right place. It always is.â Rose sniffled at her words. âI love you. Ok?â
She just hoped she was making the right choice.Â
âI love you too, bijou.âÂ
***
She flew across the rooftops; the speed with which she was running and leaping, it felt like her feet didnât even touch the ground.Â
It was a sharp contrast to the heavy thoughts warring inside her head.Â
She should have known going into all of this that it would only be a matter of time before Alya got suspicious. If not of her specifically then at least of all the ways the schemes went wrong that didnât have to do with Marinette getting flustered or Adrienâs scheduling. She should have suspected this would be a bridge she would need to cross sooner or later.Â
But she hadnât realized later would come so soon.Â
And now that she was hereâŚÂ
She had never enjoyed lying to the girls. But it had been so much easier when they had no idea what was really going on. It had been easy enough to brush off the feeling of the lies in her mouth and the pangs of guilt that echoed in her chest. Â
And she had never lied directly.Â
Or at least, not often.Â
She had justâŚÂ misdirected and misrepresented with her words.Â
She came to a halt at the end of a block of row houses, catching herself against a chimney.Â
Wasnât that the same thing as lying, really?Â
If she told the girls the truthâwell, part of itânow, would they understand? Would they forgive her?Â
Would they believe her if she said she had seen the way Marinette was reluctant to participate in the plans she knew about? That she had noticed how uncomfortable Marinette was around Adrien? Or would they chalk that up to Marinetteâs nerves?
Rose, Mylène, and Alix might- they probably would⌠but she couldnât see Alya believing her. And even then⌠would Alya just take that as an admission of guilt anyway? For meddling? Would her friends be hurt?Â
Was there even a right answer?��
Her talks with Roarr, Luka, and Rose had just given her more to chew on.Â
Roarr had said she knew what she was doing.Â
But obviously she didnât.Â
And the kwamiâs stance on what the right thing was⌠was less than helpful. She wasnât even entirely sure she understood what Roarr had meant.Â
Luka had said there were some lies that needed to be told. He had obviously been thinking about his duties as Viperion.Â
She had never questioned lying to keep Ladybugâs secretsâŚÂ
But Marinetteâs secrets were just as important as Ladybugâs.Â
And how could she live with herself if she only protected some of those secrets?Â
And RoseâŚÂ
She wasnât mad at Rose. How could she be? All Rose had been trying to do was protect her feelings.Â
And Alix and Mylène⌠they had both confessed the truth- the full truth of what had been going on behind her back. They had confessed. They had apologized. And they had checked in on her too, to make sure she was ok after the way the meeting had ended.Â
She still wished Rose- that all of them had just told her from the start.Â
But that just made her a hypocrite. Her hands werenât exactly cleanâŚÂ
She had told Rose her heart had been in the right place. And it had been.Â
She liked to think hers was, too. But she had also become so accustomed to lying. To secrets. And everything Rose did was paved with good intentions.Â
 Would the rest of the girls be as understanding? Would they see things the same way?Â
And worst of allâŚÂ
Was she only feeling this way now⌠questioning all of this now because Alya had called her out?Â
Would she have crossedâor, more accurately, gotten stuck onâthis bridge eventually?Â
Or would she have just continued to lie?Â
Guilt and indecision weighed down her otherwise light footsteps as she bounded across the rooftops towards her meeting place with Ladybug. Usually patrol was a good way to blow off steam, but she felt just as tense as she had when she left for patrol. Maybe even more so, knowing she wouldnât have Roarr curled up under the covers with her tonight. Â
Even if the kwamiâs advice hadnât been helpful, the cuddles always made her feel better.Â
By the time she had made it to the top of the south bell tower of Notre Dame, Ladybug was waiting for her.
Ladybug was sitting on the edge of the roof. One of her legs dangling over the edge, the other she was hugging to herself, resting her chin on it as she stared out absently over the city. The sun was still in the sky, but it was sinking towards the horizon.Â
âLadybug?â
Ladybug turned, but didnât stand. âYeah?â
âYou ok?â
âOh, yeah. I just⌠I have a lot on my mind. Iâve had a lot on my mind for a long time. But especially after yesterdayâŚâ Ladybug trailed off, her face flushed with the same shade of embarrassment as last night, when she had collected the Miraculous and apologized profusely for having such a heated argument with Chat in front of her. âYou look like you have a lot on your mind too.âÂ
âYeah,â she mumbled, kicking a stray pebble, âyou could say that.âÂ
Ladybug offered her a half smile and patted the empty roof beside her. âMaybe we can have a lot on our minds together for a bit? IâŚâ Ladybug smiled shyly, âI wouldnât mind having a break with a friend.âÂ
âYeah, that would be nice.â
They sat in silence for some time. Ladybug had gone back to staring pensively out over the city, her hands uncharacteristically still in her lap. An errant breeze ruffled their hair as she turned her own attention out to the city below her.Â
It was almost comical, really.Â
That after dealing with countless schemes, ad campaigns, and even akumas, this was what she was getting hung up on. Lying and secrets.Â
How could she be a hero if she didnât even know what the right thing to do was?Â
She sighed. They never showed this in the movies, and none of the interviews with the American heroes that Alya always watched ever talked about this. There wasnât a guidebook on how to deal with this.Â
But⌠if there was one person who would understand lying and secrets better than anyone she knewâŚÂ
âCan I ask you something?â
âOf course!â Ladybug said, angling to turn to her. âIâm always here if you need to talk.â
She smiled gratefully at Ladybug, before taking a deep breath. âHow do you deal with it?â she asked quietly. âThe lying, I mean?âÂ
ââŚthe lying?âÂ
âYou know, the lies. Akuma attacks, well, they happen without warning and I figure youâve got to have a life outside the mask so I assumed you must have to make up excuses to slip away.â It wasnât quite the kind of lying she was grappling with. Though, to be frank, she still wasnât all that great at coming up with excuses to slip away in case Tigress was needed, too. But it felt close enough.Â
Beside her, Ladybug shifted, then sighed. It was a heavy sigh. A sound that expressed the weight of magical jewelry and everything it entailed. âI hate it.â Ladybug admitted quietly.Â
Ladybug had her arms wrapped around her knees, hugging them close to her chest. Her eyes were fixed on the horizon, but her gaze was far away. Like she was trying to see something just out of sight.Â
She let her own gaze drift back to the sky in front of them as she waited for her friend to gather her words.Â
âI guess⌠I guess it helps that I know I have to. To keep them safe. Telling people, it would put them at risk. And itâs my job- I want to protect them. So I lie. I lie to my friends. To my family. To Lu- lots of people.â
She nodded solemnly, her gaze fixed out on the city below. Somehow, they had come to the silent agreement that this conversation was easier to have without looking the other in the eye.Â
It⌠it was different. Maybe. But it also wasnât.Â
Marinette lied to the people she loved to protect them.Â
She lied to the people she loved to protect Marinetteâs happiness.Â
Sure, she wasnât exactly out there saving lives with her lies. But wasnât misery just as much a threat? Especially with Shadowmoth?
âHow do you⌠how do you know when itâs the right time to lie?â
âItâs always felt like lying was the only option. Sometimes itâs just a little lie. Yâknow, âoh I have to go to the washroomâ or something. But sometimes I need to make the lies bigger. And when I do, well, I try to only do it when I need to. When I need to do or say something, even if itâs hard, to protect someone.â
âI see.âÂ
âIt never goes away though.â
âWhat?âÂ
âThe guilt. Knowing Iâm lying to people I care about and that Iâll keep lying. Even though I know itâs the right thing, I still hate it. But in some ways⌠I think the guilt is good.â
âHow so?â The guilt that had been eating away at her all afternoon and evening⌠how could such a horrible feeling be good?Â
âIf we feel guilty about lying, that means weâre still good people, even if we canât be honest. Or at least,â Ladybug sighed, âthatâs what I tell myself to try and stay sane.âÂ
She frowned. âI⌠I never really thought of it that way.â
âI donât know if itâs true, but it helps to tell myself that, at least.âÂ
âWhoever you are, Ladybug, youâre a good person.â
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small smile creep across Ladybugâs face. âSo are you, Tigress.â
They settled back into silence, though it was a somewhat lighter silence this time. The only measure of time was the sun continuing its slow descent towards the horizon.Â
âIâm tired of lying. I want to tellâŚÂ people the truth. But I guess Iâm so used to keeping secrets- and itâs such a big secret and it wouldnât just change things for me-â Ladybug cut herself off abruptly. Tigress turned to look at her friend, who flashed her an embarrassed smile. âIâm sorry. You asked me- you asked for advice and here I am blathering about my own problems. But I wanted to ask⌠you asked about the lying⌠is it too much? It know how hard it all is, and if this is getting to be too much-â
âNo, no. Itâs fine. I- I like being Tigress. And I donât mind you talking about your stuff. Actually,â she said slowly, âit helped. A lot. And for what itâs worth, I think if thereâs someone you trust enough with your secret, Iâm betting theyâd be happy to help you share the burden.â
âMaybeâŚâ Ladybug said thoughtfully.Â
âI guess itâs a good thing I had patrol tonight.âÂ
âOh?âÂ
She smiled wryly. âMisery loves company, especially when itâs over the same problem.â A look flashed across Ladybugâs face that made her pause. âOr⌠did you have something else on your mind? You know Iâm here to talk too, if you need it.â The fury in Ladybugâs eyes from last night flashed in her mind. âYesterdayâŚyesterday was a lot. Are you doing ok?âÂ
Ladybugâs face softened into a smile. âI know. And I am. Doing ok, that is.â She must not have looked particularly convinced because Ladybug chuckled. Enough so that the corners of her eyes crinkled, warping the spots of her mask. âReally, Iâm fine. I promise,â she said before turning back to look over the city. âLast night was hard. Lying is hard. But sometimesâŚsometimes⌠well, I think itâs good. To do the hard things, that is. Even when you really donât want to.âÂ
That did not soundâŚÂ reassuring.Â
Maybe it was good to do hard things sometimes, but Chat had made things harder than necessary yesterday. He had been for a long time.Â
There was still a hint of a smile onLadybugâs face, but it was caught somewhere between wistful and wry. And the look in her eyes⌠it wasnât unlike the look Marinette got when she was studying a piece of clothing, trying to figure out its construction and such. Then the glint in her eyes was gone.Â
She shifted beside Ladybug, opening her mouth to say something. But before she could figure out the words, Ladybug broke the silence.Â
âI promise, I know what Iâm doing. Trust me.âÂ
âI do.âÂ
She did. She just hoped Ladybug wasnât going to make things harder for herself than they already were.Â
Speaking of whichâŚ
âIâm sorry for keeping you so long. I know youâre working to a deadline.â
âDonât worry about it. I was probably due for a break anyways andâŚâ Ladybug smiled softly, âit was nice. Talking about all of this. Iâve never really had anyone who got it.âÂ
Ladybug- Marinette should have had someone who got it. She deserved someone who got it. She should have had someone from the start.Â
And she⌠she hadnât realized it until now. But she hadnât really had someone who got it either. Not all of it. Luka⌠there were some things she couldnât tell hm. Some things he couldnât get. But even if she couldnât talk to Luka about everything, he was always there. And just knowing he was there made all the difference. ButâŚÂ
She hadnât truly realized, hadnât truly appreciated how much it meant to have someone who got it. And it made her heart ache that Marinette had been without someone for so long.Â
âI may not get all of it, but Iâm here. Whenever you need me.âÂ
***
âGet all your errands done?âÂ
âYep. Get all your love songs written?â
âNope,â he half sighed. She could hear the eye roll in his voice. âFood should be here soon. I ordered sushi.âÂ
âDid you get-âÂ
âYes, I got spicy tuna. And spicy salmon.âÂ
âGood. Iâm going down below for a bit. I need to figure out how Iâm doing my nails for tomorrow- yes, you can borrow my good black nail polish.âÂ
âThanks. Iâll let you know when the foodâs here.âÂ
Once she was back in her room, she spread her nail polish bottles out across her dressing table. She probably wouldnât do a manicure, given she had the lace gloves, but her shoes were open toed so it would be nice to have her toenails painted.Â
Plus, she could really use a nice, relaxing pedicure.Â
Honestly, she could do with a whole spa day. But that would have to wait. For now, an at home pedicure would have to do. Â
She had just gotten her choices narrowed down, and was trying to decide which of the two deep plum shades would better match the lipstick she was planning on wearing when Lukaâs voice floated down from above deck.Â
âJules.â She frowned at the sound of his voice. It was⌠it wasnâtâŚÂ usually, when he called her to let her know their food was there or he needed her help with something- âAlyaâs here to see you.âÂ
She almost dropped the bottles of nail polish.Â
She should have seen this coming, what with the way theyâsheâhad left things at the meeting earlier. Really, when she thought about it, it was suspicious that Alya hadnât shown up earlier. Like right after the akuma was declared a hoax. Although⌠maybe there had been another meeting, like the ones Rose had told her had been going onâŚÂ
But Rose hadnât said anything about another meeting taking place after the one she had run out of. And based on the timestamps, Mylène, Alix, and Rose had all started texting her almost right after she had bolted out.Â
Grimacing, she set down the bottles of nail polish. Alya was probably the last person she wanted to talk to right now. Except maybe Adrien. It was probably too late to pretend she was in the shower or somethingâŚÂ
But even if they didnât have⌠whatever this talk was going to be now, she would only be delaying the inevitable.Â
Sighing, she got up.Â
It seemed the time had come for her to cross this bridge.Â
She just hoped it wouldnât end up burntâŚÂ
Luka was standing with his guitar slung over his back and his hands shoved into his pockets. Most people found Luka hard to read; people said he kept his cards close to his chest. Maybe it was a Couffaine thing, or maybe it was just a sibling thing, but she had never had trouble reading her brother. And she did not like the look on his face.Â
What most people would mistake for his resting face, she recognized as guarded. And there was something in his eyes- annoyance. And a sudden fatigue.Â
Alya was standing across from him. She looked like she was ready for battle, with the tense way she was holding herself. Like she was ready to spring into action at a secondâs notice. To say nothing of the hard and determined look on her face. The same look she had whenever sheâŚ
What had she said to Luka?
They both turned to look at her as the top step squeaked under her foot.Â
Alyaâs eyes narrowed behind her glasses, the lenses flashing in the dying light.Â
The tension in the air was palpable.Â
Luka looked at her with a silent question in his eyes. Luka was perceptiveâabout most thingsâand the vibes Alya was putting out right now? Well, Kim would have picked up on themâŚÂ
A few months ago, she would have asked him to stay. She would have needed him to. Part of her still wanted him to. But she also wanted- needed to do⌠whatever this was going to be, on her own.Â
She squared her shoulders, and nodded. He gave her one last questioning and concerned look, which she returned with another nod. He nodded and left with a promise that he was close by if she needed him in his eyes. Â
As she watched Luka warily head down the stairs below deck, she steeled herself for the oncoming storm.
âI would have come earlier,â Alya said. It was a good thing she hadnât come earlier, especially as she had come with no warning. âBut I got held up.â
Alya didnât offer anything more, which left her with the distinct feeling she would not like whatever it was that had held Alya up.Â
If she had to guess⌠her money was on a new set of schemes.Â
Part of her wanted to ask, but there was no way Alya would tell her if her suspicions were correct. Not after this afternoon. Especially not, given the way Alya was watching her, with her arms folded across her chest and her eyes boring into her. Â
âJust as well,â she said carefully, âI was out earlier. I had errands to run.âÂ
âOh?â It was impressive how Alya could make it sound like both a question and accusation.Â
âI needed to pick up some more eyeliner for tomorrow.âÂ
Alyaâs eyes narrowed even more, and her mouth twisted into a tight line. Part of her couldnât help but wonder if Alya was about to demand to see her literal receipt. âSpeaking of tomorrow, I donât know what youâve been- what you are playing at, but it needs to stop.âÂ
âIâm not playing at anything.â That, at least, was the honest truth.Â
When it came to Luka and Marinetteâs happiness, there was no playing.
Alya raised her brows. âThe movie incident?âÂ
âI texted her the wrong time for the movie we were going to go see.âÂ
Technically true.Â
âThe time we tried to get her to the park to see Adrien and she was out without her phone? You were slow to reply. And your messages never agreed to the plan! I went back and checked.âÂ
âI was on the way home from the laundromat, I had my hands full! And Marinette forgets her phone at home all the time!âÂ
âAnd the photoshoot?âÂ
âMarinette made an outfit specifically for me to model, and I had the makeup masterclass starting the next weekend-âÂ
âYou were supposed to bail because of the class!â She and Alya both froze at the outburst; Alyaâs eyes went wide, like she hadnât been expecting to start shouting. She folded her arms across her chest as she watched Alya take a breath like Bustier always told them to. Though her exhale was still more of a huff than anything. Alyaâs gaze refocused on her. âLuka asked her to the dance.â
âHe did,â she agreed carefully.Â
âAdrien was supposed to ask her when we all met for lunch.âÂ
âI didnât know that.â That was the honest truth. Alya hadnât told her about that particular scheme. Not that that would have changed anythingâŚÂ
âYou should have known,â Alya snapped, a note of desperation making its way into her voice. âAnd Luka looked at you before he asked her.â
âSo?âÂ
âYou put him up to it. You told him to ask her, even though you know Adrien and Marinette are meant to be.â Alya stepped towards her, a hiss slipping into her voice as she pointed an accusatory finger at her. Pain flared in her hands as her nails bit into her palms from how tightly her hands were balled into fists. But she refused to shrink. She refused to back down or balk. âYouâve been ruining the plans to get Adrien and Marinette together. Admit it.âÂ
Alya was staring her down. Hard.Â
Months ago, she would have wilted under such a look. She never even would have made it far enough into a conflict to reach this precipice.Â
But here she was.Â
And she was not happy.Â
Alya had shown up, unannounced. She had said only the Universe knew what to Luka. Although she had her suspicions.Â
And now, Alya was flinging accusations.Â
Yes, those accusations were true.Â
Yes, she had been meddling and sabotaging at every turn.Â
But she had done her best to listen to Marinette and Luka.Â
She had respected what they wanted.Â
She had never picked a fight over any of this.Â
And now?Â
She was not happy.Â
Familiar heat was bubbling up in her stomach and coursing through her veins. Tension was seeping into every inch of her body. She pressed her lips together as tightly as she could, biting down on their insides to keep herself from saying something she would regret.Â
Alya looked just as tense: her chest was heaving and all her weight was on her toes. Like she was ready for anything. And she was staring hard at her.Â
It would be so easy to give into the white hot anger running through her right now. The anger at being confronted in her own home.Â
At having accusations, as true as they were, flung in her face.Â
At having to even be in this position in the first placeâŚÂ
But she couldnât. She wouldnât.Â
She had decided a long time ago that she never wanted to be Shadowmothâs puppet ever again. And now that she had been given responsibilities, had protected Paris, had worked alongside Ladybug?Â
Well, that only strengthened her resolve.Â
She refused to be used like that to hurt her friends, her family, her home, ever again.
And part of those responsibilities- part of protecting everything she held dear, was not just fighting akumas.Â
It was preventing them too.Â
She took a breath to steady herself. âWe both need to take a breath,â she said as calmly but as firmly as she could. âNeither of us wants to akumatized.â  Â
Alya stumbled at her words, like she had been broken from some sort of trance. She shook her head and then blinked at her, like she was startled by the notion that either of them could be at risk of akumatization.Â
Without waiting for agreementâor protestsâshe let her eyes slip shut and began to inhale deeply. A moment later, she heard Alya join in with her.Â
She let herself focus on the steady rhythm of her breathing, and the slowing of her racing heart. Once she felt calm enough, she opened her eyes again.Â
Alya was staring at her once more.Her arms were crossed tightly over her chest, and there were still hints of a glare in her eyes. But at least it seemed her anger had melted back into suspicion. âThanks,â Alya said quietly. âI needed that.âÂ
âMe, too.âÂ
âBut you never admitted to it. To any of it.âÂ
RightâŚÂ
The truth was a tricky thing. And lies were just as difficult.Â
If she told Alya the truth about her interference, maybe it would help Alya step back and look at things for what they truly were. Maybe it would help Alya let go of her fixation on making Adrien and Marinette happen.Â
But she had made a promise.Â
And if she told Alya the truth, she would have questions. Questions she wouldnât be able to answer. Not without breaking her promise and betraying Marinetteâs trust. And she would go to her grave before she did that to Marinette.Â
Which meant that the truth would just lead to more lies anyways.Â
âI think there are some lies that need to be told.â
âI thought it was the right thing to do.â
âI guess it helps that I know I have to. To keep them safe.âÂ
Under the guise of taking another calming breath, she steeled herself.Â
And lied as honestly as she could.Â
âI didnât tell him to ask her out the day we went shopping. I havenât done anything to hurt Marinetteâs happiness.âÂ
Alyaâs frown deepened as she left out a huff. Behind her glasses, her eyes were once again narrowed with suspicion. For her part, she did her best to look cool and collected. She forced herself to stand tall, but she couldnât keep herself from fidgeting with the hem of her skirt.Â
âI donât believe you-âÂ
â-and if you see the dry-cleaners,  then youâve gone too far.â Lukaâs voice and footsteps floated up from the stairs, and suddenly he was standing beside herâbut a little ways off to give some semblance of privacyâhis phone pressed to his ear. âSorry,â he mumbled, covering his phone, âdelivery guy got lost.â Alyaâs face turned to disbelief before settling back into a suspicious glare pointed her way. He shot her a look with a silent question, to which she nodded. âYeah, Darrel? Yeah, Iâm still here. So if you take the next right, you should be on the North bank. Weâre the houseboat with the huge stage. Iâm on deck, just look for blue hair.â Luka started waving; she and Alya both looked in the direction he was looking. A tall, lanky guy with a phone pressed to his ear glanced at them and his face brightened.Â
They watched as the guyâDarrelâbounded down the steps and approached the gangplank.Â
âI have no idea how I missed it the first time,â he said as he ambled across the deck, completely oblivious to what he had just walked in on. How he couldnât feel the tension in the air, thick as pea soup, was beyond her. âNot many houseboats have stages. Anyways, sorry for the delay. That looks like a wicked set up, I bet you could put on a pretty awesome concertâŚâÂ
Alya eyed her suspiciously as Luka began to talk shop with Darrel.Â
Would Alya want to keep going in circles with her after Darrel was gone?Â
Would she- who was she kidding? Alya was not one to give up-
âI should get going. Let you have your dinner.âÂ
What?
She snapped her gaze away from Darrel and Luka to look back at her friend. Alya was still watching her through narrowed eyes. But the heat that had been behind Alyaâs eyes was gone. Replaced by a coolness.  Â
WhatâŚ
âUh- yeah. Sounds goodâŚâÂ
âIâm sure tomorrow will be the night. The night Marinetteâs dreamed about? The night she finally gets together with Adrien. Right?â Ok, yeah. Alya was definitely not giving up.Â
As admirable as her tenacity was⌠it was just as much headache inducing.Â
âYeah,â she said slowly.Â
With one last look, Alya turned on her heel. Â
She watched as Alya made her way across the gangplank. Just one misplaced step⌠thatâs all it would takeâŚÂ
If she were a better person, she wouldnât be having these thoughts.Â
If she were a worse person, she probably would have already given into the temptation and pushed her into the river.Â
But she wouldnât. No matter how tempting it was⌠Sure, out of the girl squad, Alya was the one she was the least close with. And the past couple of weeksâmonths for herâhad certainly put a strain on their relationship it seemed.
But Alya was still her friend.Â
And it was the Seine.Â
She watched as Alya, now across safe and sound, headed towards the stairs that led to the street. As if feeling her eyes on her, Alya stopped and turned around to meet her gaze. It was hard to tell with the last of the evening sun reflecting off the lenses of her glasses, but based on the way Alyaâs mouth was screwed into a tight line⌠She felt pretty safe on betting that her response to Alyaâs parting words had done nothing to quell her suspicions.Â
Screwing her courage to the sticking place, she returned Alyaâs gaze measure for measure. They stared at each other, caught in a silent showdown. And it seemed neither of them wanted to swerve first.Â
Would it be better to just give Alya the win?Â
Let her think she had called chicken first? Try and get her to lower her guard?Â
Or would it be better to hold firm?Â
Stand strong and not shrink back into the shadows?Â
Before she could debate herself into any more circlesâshe had had more than enough of that for one dayâthe sound of Darel's voice broke the air.Â
âThanks for the tip, man,â Darrel said. She turned just in time to see him pass Luka a large paper bag filled with their dinner as he shoved the cash into a bag clipped to his belt. âHave a good one,â he said as he turned and headed towards the gangplank. Still seemingly blithely ignorant of the showdown he had interrupted. Â
Her gaze followed his movement, and then drifted past to the stairs to the street. But there was no sign of Alya.Â
âWatch your step,â she half-mumbled, half-called after him absently as her brows furrowed. She jumped at the feeling of a hand on her shoulder. When she turned, Luka was giving her the very definition of a âconcerned older brother look.Â
âEverything ok?âÂ
She looked back to the empty stairs, and then nodded with a sigh. âYeah. Letâs eat.âÂ
As she and Luka headed towards the stairs down below deck, she looked back one last time.Â
#cw anxiety#cw - anxiety#endgame lukanette#juleka vs the forces of the universe#juleka couffaine#marinette dupain cheng#luka couffaine#alya cesaire#alya salt#adrien salt#chat noir salt#rose lavillant#mylene haprele#alix kubdel
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the young royals fandom is so fucking weird about sara and i hate them for it
#i don't even think it's that the whole fandom is weird about sara. there's a good bit of people who are chill about it#i think the people who are weird about sara just won't stfu about it#like. i have had two blogs. my current blog is very tiny too. and every time i've made a sympathetic post about sara i get a negative ask#i get told i'm just projecting and my own autism means i don't understand her as well as they do#i get told she's a uniquely terrible person for her actions when the show is about teenagers all making mistakes#and being complex people#i get bad faith interpretations of her every action that don't dismiss her potential motives or ways she's been mistreated#i get told 'well yeah she has autism but that doesn't mean she's allowed to [complicated way to say be autistic]'#and this is all while the rich white prince is repeatedly forgiven for fucking with his partner's feelings for 3 seasons#bc 'he has anxiety!! it's soooo hard being a prince!'#which like. i'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. i'm the fucking ben hope guy and i try not to be hypocritical#but in the interest of not being hypocritical why him and not her#outside of racism and misogyny and selective ableism against people with more stigmatized disorders and classism#and also the shipping bias i mentioned the other day. bc people really glossed over him basically abusing his boyfriend this whole season#just bc they wanted wilmon endgame#it is. exhausting. fuck y'all fr#anyways. instead of responding to the ask i'm doing this vent post on a separate account#hashtag growth if you remember og indi-glo
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Another parallel between my experience with Loki Season 2 and Endgame that I've noticed is how I've been feeling about what they're doing with Mobius.
I've known since middle of Season 1 with the big variant reveal that there was a decent-to-strong possibility Mobius would end up leaving the TVA, likely returning to a family he left behind. I've been afraid of that happening for the past two years and feeling the possibility hanging over us that whole time. And now it's looking like it's probably going to happen.
I remember when speculating about Endgame my big fear was Tony dying, but talking to people about theories beforehand I came up with a sort of criteria for it, stuff that if they included, I'd probably be okay with him dying in the movie. And then all of it was there, essentially.
The same thing has been happening with Mobius so far this season. I thought he was gonna be more sidelined this time around, but he's gotten a ton of screentime! I'd grown really attached to the idea of him being reluctant to see his timeline memories to the point I had to talk myself down from getting my hopes up for it to be canon...and then it became canon! I thought it was kind of unlikely but wanted him to be a single dad on the timeline (I think him having a spouse - ok LBR a wife because that's all they would have done - was giving me too many flashbacks to a certain OTHER Endgame ending) and lo and behold...!
And most of all, Loki's relationship with him is prioritized. He clearly isn't ready to let Mobius go (and neither am I lol) meaning it'll be an important moment if and when he does. It's not just gonna be some la-dee-dah happy thing (and there's one other aspect of it briefly shown in trailers that's making me giddy haha). While I'm disappointed at them likely writing Mobius out of the MCU this early, I'm not that upset about how it's being handled. They've really been giving me everything I wanted with him in order to make it okay...well, as okay as it can be.
Also this may be the healing I need from the trauma of Steve Rogers's ending I still experience 5 years later. Like they're already handling this way better than that travesty was. Can't wait to write an article about how all the ways this one puts it to shame and get paid for my fandom woes lmao.
#loki#mobius#lokius#but i don't mind them being platonic as well#marvel#mcu#anxiety#me#avengers: endgame#tony stark#steve rogers
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I'm sorry you had to see a take that didn't make sense. I feel like since the epicness of bi buck the fandom has had a rift and is just like a headless chicken that is running into wall. While it's hilarious how many jokes and memes came out of it (the screaming "buck" from eddie still my favorite thing) and also all the love for Buck and Oliver still makes me emotional, we unfortunatly have had people having not so great reactions. Sure it's out of hurt cause some wanted Eddie and never Tommy (I'm a buddie Stan but Tommy is perfect for baby bi buck's first step like I can't think of a better way of to handle this from the show, and here I go being emotional again) some protect themselves from the possible pain that buddie won't happen cause to them that's as far as the show will come to it. But still sucks, and I'm sorry it happened to you cause between your posts and your tags you have been part of the amazing ride that this moment has given us so im sorry you had to wake up at 7 to shitty takes and hope your day gets brighter and brighter!
that's so sweet of you to say and yeah I mean there's certainly been a lot of discourse all over the place but I will say I'm so glad im on tumblr we're all mostly having the absolute most fun on here (I mean there's still discourse bit I feel like it's a lot less than other platforms, unless my dash is just particularly curated). the take I saw was actually from an ofmd fan on twt bragging that they're so glad their show had "natural representation" from the beginning that wasn't "showy" or felt like the creators going "HEY THIS IS GAY!!!". This take is of course so fucking stupid that I would like to take op and shove them into a sewer but I am simply too tired to point out all the reasons why
#definitely on the same train as you about everything else tho. LOVE tommy as bucks first queer relationship nothing could dim bibuck for me#and I of course am always hitting full send on buddie endgame so I have absolutely zero anxiety on that front and I dont think anyone else#should either#thank you for being so kind <333#911 spoilers
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me @ me: stop thinking about your 'permanently on hiatus' teen Inquisitor fic. it's been 7 years. you are so busy right now you don't have time to pick this back up
me @ me: she was ELEVEN when the mage rebellion started. she was sent to the Templars as a political maneuver to bolster her family's reputation when she was EIGHT. her sister died in her arms days before they received word of the conclave. and you're just going to abandon her. wow
#dragon age#dai#im sorry i ever left you lil baby trevelyan#and i want to rewrite the first 8 chapters SO bad. i was apparently addicted to sentences with minimum 3 clauses at 17#i have ideas again! fuck!#the newest one is that shes actually only 15 when the conclave happens but she lies and tells josie that shes 16#because thats a 15yo thing to do and then she would be too anxious to admit she lied#and then when everyone goes to celebrate her 18th birthday in the time bw the endgame and trespasser#shes like okay i have to come clean about this. im so sorry. and everyone goes why??? did you do this?????? why not just say 18 then??#and she goes i honestly dont know what to tell you i was more panicked than ive ever been in my entire life and then i ran with it#god. i missed my anxiety ridden child#emery#em.chats
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Why Didn't You Tell Me?
Just a little update on my requests: I'm actively working on them! I just started this before and wanted to get it out of the way. Just keep sending them!! I accept imagines too.
Jey isn't used to being handled delicately.Â
He isn't used to gentle touches, or kind hands on his body.Â
Growing up, most people handled Jey with a rougher hand than his twin, and younger brother. Where Jimmy was praised and patted on the back for accomplishments, Jey was gripped and snarled at. When Jimmy would get overly excited, his mom would gently reprimand him, multiple times if needed. When Jey got that way, his mother's patience seemed to run thin almost immediately.Â
In their defense, his mother and father did their best to be kind to him, but he suspects they knew there was something wrong with their son from the start. His father would call him a faggot when he'd cry too long, or if he was a little too close to a boy friend.Â
He didn't know what the word meant, but it stung nonetheless.Â
Though, the words stung a little less than the slap across the face that followed.Â
Apologies in the form of gifts always came after, but the words 'I'm sorry, I love you' and physical comfort never accompanied them.
The only soft touches Jey was able to access was usually snuggling up with his younger brother when the boy would have a bad dream. Whether intentionally or not, Solo never sought anyone out but Jey.Â
Eventually though, Solo grew out of needing his big brother to chase away the nighttime scaries, and with that growth, went the only person to hug the boy for more than a few seconds.
Jimmy used to be physically affectionate with Jey, but as they grew older the hugs, and kisses to his forehead were reserved for important moments.
For years, Jey convinced himself he didn't need to be handled with care, he wasn't some fragile thing who couldn't function without human touch.Â
It worked for a while, it truly did, but by tenth grade, when his twin brother, cousin and all their friends had found girlfriends or flings, Jey had found himself wanting more and more a person who would hold him in their arms like it mattered. Like he mattered.
His friends, Roman and Jimmy teased him relentlessly for being the only person in their group without a girlfriend.Â
Jey didn't know how to say he didn't want a girlfriend. He didn't want the companionship of a woman. So, he didn't tell them.Â
Instead, he swallowed down his true wants and found himself a girlfriend. Her name was Rhea, and she was probably the prettiest girl Jey had ever laid eyes on. She actually asked him out first, and Jey readily agreed, especially with Jimmy standing beside him. He couldn't afford to turn her down without a feasible answer.Â
So, they went on a date. And then another one, and then a few more. But, for the months they'd already been a couple, they hadn't so much as kissed once. She hadn't made the first move, and neither had Jey. It largely went unnoticed by Jey, until one day Solo asked him what his first kiss with Rhea had been like and he had to confess to the younger one they hadn't kissed yet.Â
Solo hadn't laughed or even seemed shocked, he simply nodded at his older brother and softly whispered, "It's okay if you never kiss her, you know? Sometimes girls and guys don't belong together and that's okay! My friend's brother doesn't even date girls, and he's awesome."
Jey was stunned, in truth. His baby brother was clearly more mature than they'd ever given him credit for.
After the conversation with Solo, Jey found himself questioning what he was doing in a relationship with someone he wasn't attracted to beyond finding them pretty. So, he set out to break up with Rhea. Only after his explanation, the girl burst into laughter, her hand covering her mouth.
"Oh, baby. I guess we never did explicitly agree to be each other's beards. I thought you knew I like girls."
Jey isn't sure he wants to laugh, or be sick. It all made so much sense, at least for Rhea it did. But for Jey? Not so much. It's not like he didn't know what a beard was, or why people had them. It just wasn't for JeyâŚright?
"I'm not gay, thoughâŚ" The words sound unsure to his own ears and Jey wants to wince. To her credit, Rhea doesn't laugh, but she looks at Jey with something akin to pity, and it makes his skin crawl.
"I'm not gonna tell you what you are, or aren't, but when you told me your brother and cousin were hounding you for not being interested in girls, I assumed you were queer...that was my bad."
Jey nods in understanding. He supposes that's fair, especially if he puts himself in Rhea's shoes. She needed a beard to hide her sexuality, and Jey needed one to get his cousin and brother off his back.
Rhea nervously chews at her lower lip, before blurting out, "you'll still be my beard, at least until you're ready to find someone; right? It keeps my dad off my backâŚ"Â
Jey takes a moment to mull it over before deciding he has very little to lose in this, so he nods. "Yeah, I gotchu' Rhea. Don't even sweat it, you're still doin' me a favor, anyway."
Rhea smiles brightly at him, it makes him feel good. Needed.Â
That night in bed as Jey goes over the conversation, he can't help but wonder if maybe Rhea was right.Â
What if he was queer? He could always admit when a guy was attractive, and had on more than one occasion found himself wondering what it'd feel like to kiss a guyâŚbut those thoughts always felt too dangerous to venture out into. There's a wall that blocks Jey from accepting those thoughts long enough to do something with them.
Even now, in his own head, he feels like he can't let himself dig any deeper. It's too scary. It promises pain Jey knows he won't recover from.
It takes him longer to fall asleep than usual, and Jimmy's snoring definitely didn't do him any favors.
It's almost a full year before Rhea shyly tells him she found a girlfriend, her cheeks are bright red as she speaks and Jey can't help but smile for her.
"Tell me about her, Uce." That seems to be all it takes before the girl is launching into a story about her partner Liv.Â
It only takes Jey a moment to pinpoint how he knows the name. She was in his English class a few years back.
Jey is happy for Rhea, he truly is. But now, he can't help but wonder if he's missing something. Rhea had found someone, but he hadn't even bothered trying.Â
Deep, deep down, Jey knows why he wasn't able to find anyone. He hadn't tried to find someone because finding someone meant acknowledging the elephant in the room.
His fucking sexuality.
In truth, he also knows he should tell Jimmy and Roman hisâŚissues surrounding his sexuality. They're the people closest to him, and all he's been doing is lying to them and keeping bits of himself fully locked away. But he also can't know how they'll take it. Would they be okay with it? Would they shun him?Â
Would Jimmy tell their father that his biggest fear was confirmed? His son was deplorable. His flesh and blood was tainted by the very thing he worked so hard to keep Jey away from.
Maybe it was best to keep this inside. Maybe he could bring it up to Rhea. She was his safe space, after all. The only person besides Solo who truly knew that Jey wasn't even remotely interested in women.
It was a Friday when Jey was able to bring it up to Rhea. They'd been at his house watching movies and eating junk food, something Jey only indulged in with her. One film had ended, and they were in the middle of choosing a second when Jey blurted out,
 "I think I'm gay."Â
His mouth clamped shut almost immediately, his heart was racing wildly in his chest and he couldn't fight the nagging feeling he'd made a mistake in admitting it.
To her credit, Rhea merely nodded and chucked the remote away, her body turning to lock eyes with the boy.
"I think you're gay too, honestly." She purses her lips, "and not because you 'act gay' like your dad has accused you of." Her tone takes an edge to it that's only present when she mentions her own father, or Jey's. He figures it has to do with their less than ideal parenting styles.
He nods softly at her words, knows she isn't finished from the furrow in her brow.
"Can I ask what brought this on?"
Jey almost feels ashamed to tell her that he's been developing a crush on the new boy in her friend group, but instead he shrugs, "DomâŚ"Â
He turns his head so they're eyes aren't meeting anymore, but he swears he can still see the shit eating grin that overtakes her features.Â
"My Dom-Dom?! You like him?!"Â
Jey is quick to shush her, his face hardening into a glare.Â
"Shut the fuck up! Jimmy is next door." Rhea holds her hands up in surrender, her pitch dropping, "that wasn't a no. You have a crush on Dominik." It isn't a question, it's a statement.Â
Again, Jey shrugs his shoulders, now stuffing a handful of popcorn into his mouth to stall answering. "He'sâŚpretty, I guess." Though he sounds unsure to himself, he also feels relieved to have admitted the truth. "It isn't like it matters, anyway though, he's probably straight."
The girl glares in his direction before tossing a gummy worm at his head. "Hey!"
"Don't be so fucking stupid, as if I would hang out with a straight person." Jey wants to cite himself as proof of the opposite, but this conversation isn't exactly straight. And neither is the reason Rhea had sought him out in the beginning, so he clamps his mouth shut and kisses his teeth.Â
"You ain't gotta call me stupid, man. I just admitted to finding a guy pretty and my intelligence is attacked?" The pout on his lips is almost comical to the latter, but she has no time to comment before there's a shattering sound by the door before it's swung open revealing Jimmy. His brows are pinched, and there's a bowl of chips scattered at his feet.
He looks equal parts betrayed and like he'll throw up at any moment.
"You gay, Uce�"
#jey uso#jimmy uso#angst#dominik mysterio#queer jey uso#roman reigns#rhea ripley#beards (relationships)#closeted#gay character#tw: child abuse#Rhea x Jey (beards)#jey uso/dominik mysterio (not endgame)#jey uso fanfiction#wwe#accidentally outted#tw: depression#tw: anxiety#tw: mental illness#sexuality crisis#Jey Uso Is The Actual Baby Of The Bloodline
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Avengers: Infinity's End
Two chapters again today because the first one is nothing new and merely for enjoyment.
Chapter 15 - Time Travel?
Summary: Steve Rogers is desperate for a solution, so even though the presented solution was shot down, he still recruits some Avengers to try it out. It doesn't go at all like he hoped.
Chapter 16 - Nightmares, Oreos, and an Answer
Summary: Steve's deadline is quickly drawing near, and Rory's anxiety keeps her from a decent night's sleep. But bad things lead to good things, and two nerds hanging out together lead to proving why Scott was right about the Quantum Realm being the key.
#tb writes stuff#avengers infinity's end#avengers endgame#marvel#ao3 fanfic#fix it fic#mcu#scott lang#ant man#steve rogers#natasha romanoff#bruce banner#professor hulk#star wars#rory callahan#avengers#time travel#oreos#peanut butter#nightmares#anxiety#platonic soulmates#soulmates#I think so anyway#tbgifs
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i think i need to step back from ted/rebecca-ing a little bit because iâm starting to get that âbarney and robin in the himym finaleâ sinking feeling of terror and despair re: them and as tswift once sang, i NEED TO CALM DOWN!!!!!!
#like i think they still stand a chance because of all the very noticeable breadcrumbs but also my psyche is unraveling#and it's just so easy to picture boat guy coming back and being rebecca's fairytale endgame#and that's okay if it does happen but i just need to majorly shift my perspective to be able to deal with it#i need to watch me some jane austen adaptations and gilmore girls#i need to go back to the old classics that sustained me pre-2020s!#dollsome's deep thoughts#ted x rebecca#ted lasso#ted lasso spoilers#having shppy anxiety in your mid-30s is such a legit life look#(NOT!)#also it's just so frustrating for ted and rebecca to KEEP not sharing screentime because the whole reason i love them together#is because of all their great scenes in s1!#so it's just a real pang-inducing feeling to think they might never get back to how they were in terms of spending time together#with only six episodes to go ........ i feel pre-bereft! D:
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oh tony stark clearly has PTSD and anxiety, he blames himself for everything, and thinks he has no right to complain because he's had some things be easy for him?
no, I've no idea why he's my favorite character
i have no problem with him dying, it's perfectly fine
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btw according to apple books i am only 80% thru orv which means there's still 20% and about a 1000 pages and an 100% chance for kim dokja to fucking die again
#it's gonna happen đi know it#this fucking doofus is going to die again there's no way he wont#orv is so crazy bc the whole SP thing felt like endgame shit but no. just the prelude#and then they had a beach episode which was super nice#kdj was super wired the entire time which is kinda what i figured would happen bc u do not run around that frantically#doing all that shit with essentially no break. to then just be able to sit around doing nothing without feeling anxiety like theres no tmr#like i half figured he would have another panic attack#i am very curious as to how much time has passed for kim dokja canonically....#like i think it's been at least a year for him..#i think it was mentioned how many months it had been or something at some point?#but that was foreverrrrr ago#time spent on earth + time in demon realm + plus time spent on earth again + plus all that stuff inbetween#i might have to venture into reddit.....#orv
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The stills are actually making me feel really nervous. Thereâs too much happiness, I feel like weâre being set up. I just canât shake the fear that the show will end with Simon and Wille going their separate ways and that would be so upsetting.
But whyyyyy would they do that to us? To them??
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