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clownstillwritesfanfic · 12 days ago

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Willy Wonka SFW Alphabet - REUPLOADED

NSFW version here

PLEASE READ: my old blog (clownwritesfanfic) was deleted when my main blog attached to it got terminated for some unknown reason. I can’t get it back so I’m reuploading everything I had saved in my notes app. Sorry for any inconvenience or disappointment, trust me, I’m devastated, but with your help I can get back to my former glory so PLEASE reblog if you like it 🙏😭

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A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Willy isn’t a very touchy person and he isn’t very good with words so he would show his affection through small acts of service or gifts to show that he appreciates you and is always thinking of you.

After being with you for a while he would start to tolerate little touches.

Please be patient with him. The physical affection will come with due time.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Willy is a very introverted man. He didn’t have many friends as a child and once he set out on his journey to become a chocolatier he didn’t have time to make any friends. You could say the Oompa Loompas became his friends and while he does value, appreciate, and care a lot for them, it’s mostly a boss and employee type of relationship.

However you somehow came into his life and declared yourself his friend. Like some friendships, there are ups and downs, pros and cons. But you both get over them soon enough and once he really accepts you as a friend you become as thick as thieves.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He’ll only cuddle you once he is fully ok with your touch. He’s not totally reject full of touch, he just doesn’t like strangers touching him. Once he gets to know someone they start to find out how touch starved he really is.

He won’t be clingy but he would be a tad disappointed if you moved away from him.

He’d probably be the big spoon most of the time but please let him be little spoon sometimes.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

He’d only be content with “settling down” once he is 100% certain of handing his legacy over to his heir. Once Charlie is old enough and experienced enough to run the factory himself, he’d be ok with settling down. Don’t expect to leave the factory tho. That’s his home, he would never want to leave it. Plus he’d want to be there for Charlie if he ever needs help.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

The only reason I could see him ending a relationship with someone is if their personality just didn’t fit with his or if he felt like his lifestyle wasn’t enough for his partner.

If he felt like you deserved a better life than spending it inside a factory and being away from him most of the day then he would encourage (more like gently force) you to leave and find someone better.

It would be hard for him, since once he likes and trusts someone it would be really hard for him to let them go. He doesn’t want to hurt you but he wants what’s best for you and if that means leaving him then he’ll learn to cope.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Willy doesn’t really see a point in marriage other than getting to call his partner his spouse and the tax benefits.

He thinks that if he’s been in a relationship with you long enough he should be able to call you his spouse if he wanted to, ring or not.

However if you wanted to get married and have a wedding he would do it, just promise him it’s gonna be a very small intimate wedding.

(He’d probably propose with a Ring Pop let’s be honest)

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Sorry to say this but in the beginning, he won’t be very gentle emotionally. He’s used to being alone and he doesn’t like to fight but he’d end up coming off as a little insensitive to your feelings. He doesn’t mean to, he just gets so busy and stressed that you won’t be his top priority for a while.

Physically though, he’s not rough with you what so ever. He doesn’t want to hurt you.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

As stated before, he’d have to know you for a while to be comfortable with hugs. The longer he knows you the longer and more often the hugs are.

At the beginning of him getting used to your touch he’d prefer quick side hugs but much later one he’d lovingly accept a full hug.

He wouldn’t like surprise hugs as much. He’d tolerate them but he’d much prefer to know it’s coming.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

It would take Willy a LONG time before he could actually say the words. He likes to show his love through actions rather than words. In fact he may not ever say it. He would just assume you know that he loves you based off his actions. If you want him to actually say it you’d have to tell him. But be prepared for the conversation to be deflected, something about you mumbling.

He doesn’t like talking about his feelings so please don’t rush him and understand that he may never say it. But he does love you, you just have to see it rather than hear it.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Oh he gets jealous alright. He has never had someone love him the way you do and he doesn’t want to let that go.

He’d try to stay calm, he trusts you but he doesn’t trust the other person. He’d be silently seething, pretending not to notice but his grip on his cane has become increasingly tighter and his jaw is set firm.

Even if he trusts you, you may have to reassure him a bit.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

He’s only been kissed once before you. It was when he was younger. He didn’t initiate it, it caught him off guard and he wasn’t very pleased.

Kissing you was different though. Like everything else, it took him a while to do it. It only started out as small pecks until he was comfortable with a full kiss.

He enjoys kissing you but he would rather keep it private and won’t kiss you around other people, not even the Oompa Loompa’s. He’ll allow you to kiss his cheek in front of other people but that’s about it.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

I mean…we’ve all seen the movie. He only tolerates kids if they’re polite and well mannered.

I do not think he would want a child of his own. He’s too busy and he would fear he’d end up like his father.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

He gets up early. He’s got a whole factory to run you know.

If you’re a morning person: he would enjoy the time you share getting ready in the morning. Willy is the kind of person to shower in the morning, he’s too tired to do it at night. If you shower in the morning as well then you’d probably shower together. Don’t expect anything naughty to happen tho.

If you’re not a morning person: he’d try to be as quiet as possible to let you sleep in. He won’t let you sleep in too late but he’ll let you get a few more hours in. Before he leaves he’ll give you a kiss on the head.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

He’s usually exhausted at the end of the night. So much to do when running a factory and inventing new candies. Sometimes when he’s close to a break through or he’s on an “inventing high” as you like to put it, you have to force him to relax and go to sleep before he over exerts himself.

If neither of you are planning anything…naughty…then you’d both do your night time routines together. Be prepared to be waiting a while for him, his night time routine can be long.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Willy is a very private man. He doesn’t like talking about his childhood or his father and if you try to bring it up he will deflect immediately.

He will start to slowly open up to you more and more over time but it’s hard for him to do. He becomes very vulnerable. He doesn’t like thinking of his past when he has everything he’s ever dreamed of in the present.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He surprisingly has a good amount of patience. He can get ticked off easily but to make him really angry is hard.

You would need an insane amount of patience with him as well. He won’t show physical affection for a long time, he probably won’t talk about you to other people (he’s very private), won’t open up for a while, won’t be around you a lot, and he may come off as insensitive to your feelings sometimes.

He means well, and he does love and care about you. You just have to be patient.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

He remembers a surprising amount of things. He’s used to not having a notepad when he has a new idea so his memory has gotten pretty good.

He’s good with remembering little details but he’d be awful with dates and names. Everyday is the same for him so he doesn’t bother checking the date. So he may forget a birthday or anniversary of yours. Please don’t be too mad. He’d make it up to you.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

His favourite memory is probably when he first showed you around his factory. He loved how you lit up with wonder with each new room you saw. He also loved how you treated the Oompa Loompas so well.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

He’s not super protective but he likes to be safe than sorry. He’d rather you stay in the factory, he trusts you to not do anything stupid, plus he knows the Oompa Loompa’s would watch over you. They adore you as well so there’s no way they’d let you get hurt or lost.

However if and when you do decide to leave the factory for a while he’d rather you go out the back. The front is too obvious and he wouldn’t want you to be affiliated with him in public, lest you be hounded by nosy nelly’s. He trusts you, he really does. But he probably would send an Oompa Loompa to secretly tail you just in case. They are small enough to go undetected by the public, but you know. You recognize those footsteps behind you. You can’t be mad at Willy. You understand he just wants to make sure you’re safe. It’s one of the ways he shows he loves you.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Willy doesn’t like to half ass anything. However, don’t expect lavish dates or gifts. He may be hella successful but he’s humble as well.

Most dates would happen around the factory and I wouldn’t doubt that he’d have the Oompa Loompa’s choreograph a song and dance for you. Any gift you’d receive he would make himself, he loves giving you new candies to try. It’s his way of letting you get involved in his work.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

If he’s really engrossed in something, he’ll unintentionally ignore you. You could be talking to him and he’ll be like “uh huh” “sounds nice”. He doesn’t mean to, he’s just very invested in his thoughts.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

He’s very vain. He has a whole room just for hair cream. It was made specially for him. Did you see how critical he was of his hair cut? He had a whole head of brown hair and one gray hair freaked him out.

His skin is also always so smooth and soft. His night time routine is so long cause he’s doing skin care.

His clothes are always so clean and neat.

He was very self conscious as a kid, especially with that damn contraption on his head. Now he takes so long to make sure he’s looking and feeling his best.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

When Charlie first declined his offer, he went on a spiral and felt like shit and he barely even knew the boy.

But if you left, he’s sure he wouldn’t survive (he can be quite dramatic). He’d try really hard to keep going, but he’d miss you. He’d miss waking up next to you, seeing you interact with his workers, seeing how your face lit up every time he showed you a new invention. He missed everything about you.

As we know, if Willy isn’t feeling good, his candy won’t taste good. I wouldn’t be surprised if his sales declined. Maybe they’d get so bad he’d have to shut down the factory (again).

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

He’s surprisingly good at drawing. It would make sense that he could draw landscapes and scenery considering he had to have drawn the blueprint for Prince Pondicherry’s castle, his factory, and all the rooms inside. But what’s surprising is he can draw people as well.

Many times he’ll find his thoughts drifting away while drawing a new blueprint for a new candy or perhaps a new room and when he finally snaps out of it he notices he’s drawn you. He gets embarrassed but he never throws away any of them. But he also hasn’t shown you. He’s much too embarrassed about that.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Someone who’s all around rotten or selfish. He’s a very generous man so don’t take him for granted. Don’t expect a sugar daddy or anything. He won’t spoil you, but sometimes he may spoil you a tiny bit on special occasions.

He’d also want you to have good hygiene. He’s a very organized and clean man. He doesn’t want someone who’s messy and dirty. (All the depressed bitches punching air rn, I know, I am too lmao)

Also if you don’t like candy or chocolate what the hell are you even doing with him? His whole life revolves around it so he’d only want someone who enjoys it at least a normal amount or as much as him.

Also, have you ever seen how a pet will act aggressively or scared with a certain person but you’ve never seen that person be mean to the pet? It’s the same with the Oompa Loompa’s. He’s very connected with them and can read their body language very well. If you disrespect them when he’s not around, he will know and he won’t stand for it.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

This man is a DEEP sleeper when he’s exhausted. And he’s exhausted a LOT. The only thing that can wake him is his alarm. Have fun trying to wake him yourself. And if you do manage to wake him up, he’s one of those people that wake up scared.

He’ll have the occasional nightmare. If you can’t wake him up (you probably shouldn’t anyway) just reach over and hold his hand or rub his arm, it will calm him down.

He’s also a slight sleep talker. You can’t hold conversations with him but he’ll mumble out some sentences here and there. You’ve caught your name a few times.

#willy wonka #Willy Wonka x reader #catcf #catcf 2005 #charlie and the chocolate factory

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derekgoffard · 5 months ago

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Colin's older sister is a very small part of his background, however Ive had some characterization down for a while now so I thought I'd make a little post about her 🤲.

Her name is Claire Midland! She has virtually no relationship with Colin and probably does not ever wish to see him again yayyay 👐. She also has those mother issues that make you a bit mean and desperate for comfort all the time but that's okay 👍.

Some extra trivia under the cut 🕊️

( THESE ARE ALL WRITTEN VERY MESSY + INCOHERENT. IM SORRY IF U ATCUALLY TRY READING THIS 😭😭😭😭😭 )

- she went into nursing because she wanted to give others the kind of care and attention she herself craved - however she eventually realized that was not at all the reality of nursing. She kind of hates her job 👹.

- her life revolves around this funny little cycle of her feeling this constant sense that she is unloved, which leads her to constantly be seeking comfort ( physical and emotional ). However she never feels comforted for long, hence the cycle continuessss la la la🤸.

- her favorite thing ever is being coddled, she's a hard worker but she wishes she wasn't.

- She loves flowersss, but she can never keep them alive. Despite this she continues to buy them, only to have them die in days. Her favorite flowers are sun flowers 😊.

- her necklace has her and her mother's birthstones ( emerald and topaz ).

- she's never held a steady relationship for over a year but she has alot of positive one night stands. Not necessarily sex either - usually she just wants to be cuddled and coddled over for a night, y'know how it is ☹️..... Let me tell you what tho her aftercare game is unbeatable LOLLLLLLLL.

- she was a very clingy and emotionally demanding child. ( example; Claire would absolutely NOT enter school without her mother, and so her mom had to sit next to her desk in school for most of her early education ). This was okay for a little while, but when Colin was born, their parents got a divorce, and their already mentally ill mother could not really cope with two children.

- Since Claire was the oldest ( still very very little, like 7 years old )- it fell on her to help her mother, while Colin would bounce between their father and mother. Claire has never had a relationship with Colin, but she secretly blames and resents him for their parents divorce, and their mothers declining mental health. While ofc Colin resents her for basically gatekeeping his own mom LOL.

- Her relationship with her mother is surface level and distant. No matter how hard she may want to- she just can't connect to her mother. Claire is too emotionally taxing and her mother is pretty much unwilling to deal with it at this point. Claire reminds her of the lowest times in her life, and she sees Claire's attachment to her as a failure in how she raised her. She thinks Claire needs to grow out of it by herself. I think her mother does feel guilty about how Claire's childhood turned out- and so she really does think trying to let Claire find her own way is what's best for her.

- oh and also Claire is pretty much the reason Colin received so little attention from her as a child LOL- she would get HIDEOUSLY jealous of baby Colin taking attention from her mother and throw really intense fits about it 👤 I'm thinking she even went as far as trying to hurt Colin in some way. Sorry Colin, no healthy relationship with mom for you. your sister is too emotionally demanding.

- I think she's doing okay now. She's a little unhinged but I'm thinking she has a steady job and nice girlfriend now. I kinda want her to be happy y'know. 🕊️

- unrelated but Claire has not seen Colin since they were young teenagers so she has no idea about his dyed hair or fashion sense. I don't think she'd be able to recognize him to be honest LOL.

#i probably wont ever bring her up again but ive had her design in mind for a while. 🤲#i kind of adore siblings whos resentment runs so deep it ruins any prospect of a relationship with eachother. 👍 its yummy to me #girth.art #oc.stuff #Colin Midland #Claire midland

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deathberi · 9 months ago

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I don't enough people talking about the Sleeping Forest scene?! bcs the way Cloud says "Come back!" and then drop to the floor while saying Aerith's name STILL HAS ME CRYING TBH 😭🫶💕 so maybe a gif someday if you have the time 👀 YOUR GIFS ARE KEEPING ME ALIVE SO TYYY

for reaaal!!!! i play in japanese and there he says “wait for me” and im like djhfkdkshsiwannaripmyhairout the voice acting and everything is chefs kiss 🤌🏻 and they had the gall to make him crawl as if the entire scene wasnt so emotionally taxing already TTwTT and the number of times he kept on calling her name??? the way it got more desperate one after the other ughhh

aww omg thank you im glad to hear that!! i will really just never ever get over all the clerith food rebirth has given us sooo i totally enjoy editing all of these sets im posting~ took me a while to decide how i’ll format the sleeping forest set so it kinda took forever since i started uploading post-release but here it is finally~! also have this short one posted pre-release from the trailers, for close ups ^^

#asks #cathelerein #clerith

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plusultraetc · 5 months ago

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What’s the old WIP you found?? If you feel like sharing, of course 😊

omg I do feel like sharing :D

The fic was called 'follow your dreams down,' and yes that's a Springsteen lyric, and yes it's "No Surrender," which means that erasermic was somehow involved 😭 It was kind of intended to be an exploration of how Aizawa, Mic, and even Midnight processed Shirakumo's death while they were at UA (which is to say: Very Differently), but oh my gosh what little I wrote is just. Really Sad. Like, here's a snippet but it's a bummer, and even though the fic had a happy-ish ending, obv there's no real 'happy ending' for a story like that.

(I have a habit of accidentally abandoning wips that get too heavy just because I always end up choosing to work on more lighthearted stories instead (for example, the semi-anonymous Star Wars au has a sequel, but it's unfinished because it was Sad. For some reason Present Mic can never have a good time in my sci fi aus??) In this case, I think another UA-era fic took over for 'follow your dreams down' because it's way happier and therefore less emotionally taxing to work on lol. Shirakumo gets me every single time. I cried about him like two days ago because I was flipping through Vigilantes to check a tiny detail. EVERY TIME.)

#ty for the ask!! and the opportunity to ramble about this #i was taking a walk down memory lane with old wips #i spent twenty minutes reading snippets of a shinsou time travel au #why i ever thought i could write a time travel au is unclear i can't even keep the actual timeline straight #but it was fun!!#liza blather #liza writes #ask #anon

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elysian-drops · 7 months ago

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Hello author friend. Just thinking of you and hoping you are doing well.

Hello!

First off, thank you so much for checking in. It's really sweet of you 🥺I hope you're doing okay as well and are taking care of yourself 💕 And to everyone else who has popped up in my inbox asking how I've been— seriously, thank you! I thought it would be easiest to have a blanket reply to one ask, but please know I've read each one of your messages and appreciate every single one 💕💕

But to answer your question, I'm doing well! Life has just been hectic since my last update. As you may know, I've been dealing with some health issues that have resulted in a few unforeseen consequences (like pushing back my graduation date). Unfortunately, I had to extend my last semester (so fun) and that ended up sapping most of my free time and desire to write 😭😅 Thankfully though, that's all done! I'm officially graduated as of this May (woo!).

Also, I know there's been some concerns regarding the status of Appetence. Please know I haven't forgotten about it! I've working on the next chapter slowly (I admit, it's been pretty emotionally taxing) and, although I don't have a definitive update timeline as of yet, I'm hoping to get back to posting sometime early this summer. In the meantime, I've been considering posting some vignettes and taking requests for short scenes people want to see (i.e. any events you wished to see from another character's POV, certain V/Harri interactions, etc). I'll make a separate post about this later, but if anyone's interested, please let me know!

Anyway, sorry for the wall of text and for being MIA. I just want to say though it's really touching to see how many of you are still around and continue show interest in Appetence 🥺💕 You guys are the best, truly!

Until next time!

#answered #queue #appetence

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reidmotif · 7 months ago

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i know a part 2 has been heavily requested for my fic “please, please, please” but lowkey i am not feeling it 😭 SORRY!! BUT. for those who are curious here is a more play by play of what i saw happening. (nsfw warning)

reader stays true to what she says and doesn’t go back to spencer, but obviously she’s broken up with someone she loved and now is going though the motions of a breakup.

she’s spending her night alone, when she hears a knock on the door- opens it and woah! it’s spencer! and he looks ROUGH. says he came back from a case and needed a familiar face and reader reluctantly lets him in. she knows his job is emotionally taxing and feels for him (even if his job is the reason they broke up)

they talk a bit, and as they do, spencer tries to apologize to reader, but reader yet again calls him out for empty words and no real action on his part, and they devolve into a sad little fight where reader is a bit more vulnerable than before. (id probably have written this to be a “there’s nothing wrong with me but you made me feel like there was- why couldn’t you try for me even once?” type thing. like i don’t want my reader to come off as insecure but it’s obvious this relationship w spencer fucked her up a little and toed her own personal boundaries for what she’s willing to take from someone. if that makes sense)

spencer ends up apologizing for more specificities and reassures reader and before you know it, he’s kissing her, incredibly sweetly. there’s some internal debate from reader before she says fuck it, and they have post break up sex. very much written to be sweet and loving. missionary and spencer is praising her and saying that he loves her the WHOLE time. (reader, noticeably, would not say anything back.)

after, spencer would look at her and ask her if he could stay, and reader allows it, but she’d slip away once he falls asleep to contemplate what just happened. id want to somehow wanted to weave in one of my favorite quotes into readers internal monologue

“when two people love each other and can’t make it work? that’s the real tragedy.”

plan was to make the ending super ambiguous. you didn’t know if reader was going to try at it again with spencer, or was going to stay broken up with him. fic would end with her going to bed with him and resolving to deal with it in the morning. the end.

#zie speaks #zie answers

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onifanss · 2 days ago

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Whats your favorite type of anime to watch?

Do you own any pets?

Whats one of your goto comfort movies?

Fave genre of anime: Hmmmm~ I never really know what to call it? I would say I’ve mostly seen the more popular ones - but things like Chainsaw Man, Kaiju 8, JJK, Demon Slayer. I guess it’s like supernatural action comedies? 😂 ‘cause all of them have comedic elements within all the fucked up shit 😂😭

Pets: I had the best dog in the world, but sadly he passed away somewhat recently. I love animals so much, but having your pet pass away is really something so emotionally taxing it’s hard to~ know if I can go through that again 💀

Comfort movies: Any comedy that I’ve watched and loved~! I feel like comedies when they have a good storyline are just so nice to watch when you’re not feeling the best~! I’d also say maybe like Disney/Pixar movies just cause some of those make me feel cozy~ but I’d probably go the comedy route first.

#👹 Answered

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silvercap · 7 months ago

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45 and 74 for the fic writer ask! <3

45. Do you want to break your reader's heart or make them laugh?

I mean. Preferably laugh, because I'm in it for the whump and I hope everyone gets the same enjoyment out of it that I do!! I write angst and devastating situations very gleefully and I don't really mean for them to be emotionally taxing. Unless, of course, I do ;)

I think maybe a solid mix of both is what I'm going for. What's laughter without a little bit of heartbreak after all, right? Life hurts. It's cathartic!

74. You've posted a fic anonymously. How would someone be able to tell it was you who wrote it?

Hmm, that's a good question! Probably, it would involve some semblance of hurt/comfort or whump, and I tend to make characters very physically affectionate/touchy with one another? High chance of medical stuff or adjacent situations. Someone might pass out? I use a lot of the same syntax and phrasing in different fics, so my cadence or just certain specific words/descriptors would probably show up in there too 😭 if I ever post the fics I've joked about putting under a different/anon account, you'll have to let me know if you can find them!

#ask game #asks #my fics #writing asks #thanks for the ask 🥰

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dovetart · 4 months ago

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So, I might’ve been fired from my job because of my disability but I’m not quite sure because they’re not communicating with me.

So, long story short (not really, I accidentally wrote a lot here lmao), I got a survival job at a grocery store pushing carts. At the time I wasn’t really fully aware of just how physically disabled I was. I knew I had chronic pain and fatigue but for some reason I thought taking such a physically taxing job would be ok? Idk maybe I was thinking more of my mental disabilities, thinking it could lessen the barriers that I have with those disabilities (which it didn’t lol my mental health is always bad but it definitely got worse in a few ways while working that job). Or maybe I was just reinforcing that toxic mindset that’s been hammered into me my whole life to just ignore my pain and push through it. Like, I needed that job to be able to get off the street and get an apartment and I was so desperate I decided to ignore the fact that it would be bad for my mental and physical health.

But after working this job I finally cannot deny it anymore. I’m disabled. Which, looking back on my whole life, it should’ve been obvious because I was always struggling with pain and fatigue. I’ve never been able to have a job for a long time. I can’t stand for longer than 4 hours, even then I’m still in a lot of pain. And I don’t have a car so I still have to muster up the strength to walk back home and then pass out on my bed for the rest of the day. The only way that I have survived this far is by taking copious amounts of pain killers so then the pain in more of a dull ache that I can ignore better.

And after a really bad day of work; a coworker yelled at me because I was resting before clocking out so I could have strength to walk home after a 5 hour shift, I cried… of course… and since I was already struggling emotionally that day I went home and had a psychotic meltdown where I almost ended myself. And after that I was talking to my therapist and she agreed that I shouldn’t be working. That I should take some time off. That my life and health was more important than this job. And, me, who is already someone who doesn’t like corporate companies and (thanks of years of therapy) now knows my worth, of course agreed with that and talked with my career counselor to work things out with my job so I could take the week off. I specifically told her that I needed a week off and then after that I was planning on talking to management to try to get accommodations and then work on getting onto disability while still working so I can still have an apartment. Then after I get on disability then THATS when I would quit, y’know?

But, evidently my career counselor told them “I don’t know how long they’ll be out for” even tho I clearly told her a WEEK. And, after just a couple days, I was talking on the phone with my doctor, trying to get a permission slip to take the week off (which, unrelated, why does it take so long to get something like that when I’m in a crisis and needed it right there and then 😭) when my work called me. And since I had used up all my energy that day talking to both my therapist and doctor over the phone, I didn’t call them back.

But… erm… I wasn’t scheduled this week. And I was like “ok, maybe they got my doctors note and that’s why got off this week also.” But I haven’t been scheduled for next week either… and I usually get my schedule for the next week by now. And I’m starting to think that phone call I missed BECAUSE I WAS TALKING TO MY DOCTOR was them calling because I missed my shift that day and it might’ve been them telling me I was fired because I missed it.

And it’s starting to make me nervous because I legitimately do need money. And I’m starting to get scared that I will be homeless again. I have no where to go if something like this is happening. And I think it’d be hard to get another job especially since I now know that I legitimately can’t work because of my disabilities.

And my new social worker… omg it’s so unprofessional… I was supposed to start meeting them back in July, but I haven’t heard ANYTHING from them and it’s September now. My therapist even tried to get in contact with them, said they would contact me, but they STILL HAVEN’T!!! And it would be really nice if I could get a social worker because that would help me out a lot. Like I definitely can’t fight to get onto disability all on my own, I can barely make phone calls!

And I’m not going to lie, I don’t think my career counselor or doctor realize how bad I’m doing right now. My therapist does and it feels like she’s the one always trying to get in contact with those other "professionals" to tell them to do their jobs because what I'm going through is legitimately effecting me horribly. But, I'm too good at pretending I'm doing fine when in reality I feel like I'm dying. I think that's why I was denied disability last time, because I masked too well during my evaluation smh Feel's like no one will take me seriously when I tell them how much I struggle.

Worst part is, is that I don’t even know what physically disability I have because I’ve been undiagnosed my whole life with like everything that I have because my parents refused to take me to the doctor as much as possible and never ever let me get a therapist until I was forced to because I ran away, tried to end myself and then was sent to the hospital by the police. What sucks is that all the experiences I have had with doctors and medical environments have all been quite traumatizing and filled with medical malpractice and gaslighting, so I’m not even sure my doctor will believe me. And idk if I would even trust her. No I don’t. I don’t trust most medical professionals. In fact I have had blood tests taken with this doctor already and my results all “came back normal” so “there’s nothing wrong with me,” right? (There is definitely something going on with my body here…)

And, I’m still not sure if I’m fired or not because they don’t communicate with me. Like, no offense, but l feel like they should put more effort than just one phone call that’s easy to miss, no voicemail or anything, to tell me that I’m fired. But what else am I supposed to assume when they’ve gone radio silent on me? I’m going to wait for the end of the week to see if I do eventually get a schedule… but after that I’m for sure contacting my career counselor to figure things out and start working on getting a new job.

I’m just mad that I possibly lost a job because of something I can’t control. But a part of me isn’t that mad because that job was taking SO much from me.

Idk but I’m just going through a real shit time right now. I mean, when am I not, right lol I’ve been struggling with this my whole life, and I’m tired of fighting. Part of me thinks I would be better off dead than having to continue to try to prove to others that I’m “disabled enough” to get accommodations. I really don’t want to be homeless again. Trying hard to survive today and focus on one day at a time.

Sorry, I don’t usually make posts like this. I just needed to get this off my chest somewhere. Thanks if you read all the way through.

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