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loveandthings11 · 2 years

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How Deep My Love Goes, Chapter 7

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Heart to Heart

Summary: After a few days of hiding out at home, Logan's slanderous article comes out and brings up difficult memories. Kendall opens up to Rava as much as he can about their separation and his fears.

“You don’t have to go to work?” Iverson asks. It’s day three of Kendall hiding out in the apartment and he just walked in the great room at 10 AM in a cashmere sweater and jeans after a late-morning workout. Rava jumps in.

“No, Dad is on Thanksgiving break too, so we can watch a movie later,” she says in the voice she uses to smooth things over. “Why don’t you go see if we have any popcorn?” Iverson nods and heads to the kitchen to ask their housekeeper about the supply.

Kendall looks over at her but doesn’t say anything. She knows he doesn’t like it when she “handles” things for him, but she didn’t want to let him be forced into having to explain why he’s staying home to the kids. She hopes he figures out a way to fix his work situation without them ever being the wiser.

He looks around the room, trying to remember where he sat the last time he had had three entire days off. He can’t even remember when that was. He wonders how many days it’ll be before he goes to work again, wherever that might be. He picks his old favorite armchair and leans back sort of awkwardly. Rava grins secretly, a mixture of pity and amusement. He has no idea how to relax.

Twenty minutes later, he’s sitting with a book in his lap staring out at the sky. Rava walks over and brushes her hand over his head. He glances up at her.

“That book must be captivating,” she says. He shrugs. “Do you want to get your iPad, or… something?” She knows he can spiral if he just sits by himself when things are bad. He shakes his head. “You sure?”

“Yeah, I- I don’t want to see any articles right now.” She’s actually a little impressed that he wants to protect himself.

“Okay. Well, we’re going to watch Frozen for the 87th time this month. Want to join us?” She asks. He gives her a small smile.

“Yeah. Sounds good.”

They walk down the hall. Sophie has her Elsa costume on and is trying in vain to convince her brother to wear Sven antlers. Kendall and Rava sit on the couch and the kids pile on next to them. They start the movie and halfway through it, Kendall realizes he’s living in Connor’s happy prediction and isn’t even fully enjoying it because his mind is elsewhere. He puts his arm around Sophie and tries to be present.

“Dad,” she whispers.

“Yeah?”

“Will you be Sven?” She holds up the antlers.

Rava chuckles and doesn’t look at them.

“No,” he smiles at Sophie.

“Please?” She asks, using her best puppy dog eyes. He shakes his head.

“Daaaaaaad,” she whines. He sighs and Sophie bounces up and puts them on his head.

“One minute. That’s all,” he tells her. She giggles as she looks at him. Rava looks over and smirks.

“Don’t,” he says to her.

“Okay,” Rava says as she tries to keep a straight face. “Look, Iverson, the antlers are cool after all,” she says. Iverson looks over and laughs.

“Okay. We’re done with this,” Kendall says, taking them off and keeping a semi-cheerful tone so the kids will think everything’s fine. “These are for you, buddy.” He hands them over to Iverson, who considers them for a moment before putting them down. Rava looks over at him and tries to get him to smile again.

“So serious,” she whispers, gently jostling him even though she can tell he’s too in his head to be silly right now. He sighs. He knows she wishes he were more fun sometimes, but he just doesn’t have the energy to try right now. The family sits together on the couch for the rest of the movie. When it’s over, Kendall gets up and looks around again.

“Um, I’m going to go… take a nap.”

“Take a nap?” Rava asks. He hasn’t done that since their clubbing days.

“Yeah. I don’t know. Maybe I just need more sleep,” he says. He thinks maybe he’ll recharge after some time by himself.

“Okay,” she nods. She knows he needs to take some time to process everything that’s been happening.

After about an hour of working on Tony Trume’s case and imagining the glory of the corrupt company paying for its misdeeds with her work behind it all, she thinks about how disappointed she would be not to be able to have the chance to implement her ideas. She’s been working on this for a couple of months and is already so invested. She tries to imagine how it would feel if she had been focusing on it her whole life and watched it all disappear in a day.

She decides to go find Kendall. Although she wishes the circumstances were different, it’s nice to have him home. Or it would be if he felt less depressed. She’s missing his old enthusiastic self, but she really likes knowing that when she goes in the bedroom he’ll be there. Sometimes during the separation she used to walk in and wish she could see him looking cozy in bed surrounded by pillows. Safe, where she always wanted him.

She goes quietly into the room and is surprised to find him actually asleep in the pile of soft bedding. He always looks cute when he’s sleeping and she feels a rush of affection for him. She walks into his room-sized closet for an extra blanket to curl up with him and stops in her tracks when she sees one of the old addiction books she used to hide from him lying open on the chaise lounge. She’d forgotten they were in there and hadn’t moved them when he moved back in. He must have found it when he went to change before getting back in bed. She picks up the open book for a moment to look at the cover. Supporting Sobriety. He’d stopped reading on the chapter about how to talk to a spouse who has a problem. She winces. He didn’t need to see that.

She walks back out and sits down in the velvet chair by the bed to think over how she can tell him that back then she was just trying to find him again, to save his life because she loved him so much. A news alert pops up on her phone. “Troubled Roy Son out of Waystar- Is Kendall Back on Drugs?” Her heart sinks as she stares at it. She’s scrolling through the pictures of him walking through the streets of the Financial District with the suggestion that he was high the whole time. Even the idea of it makes her nervous. He wasn’t- right? She stands up and hesitates about what to do. Her movements wake him up and he rolls over and looks at her. She wants to hide it from him- this is the last thing he needs. He sees her expression and reaches for the phone.

“What?” He asks.

“No- you shouldn’t-“ she starts as he takes it out of her hand.

His stomach drops and he feels like he might be sick. His breath starts coming too quickly and he looks lost even though he’s home.

“‘Wandering the streets talking to myself?’” He reads out loud. “I was on the phone, Jesus, fuck. It’s- it’s not enough to get me out, he has to.. fucking destroy me?” He hands it back to her and waits for her to agree, but she’s not saying anything, just scrolling with a horrified look on her face. She skims the whole thing and looks at him two seconds too long.

“Wait, you- you know this isn’t real, right?” He feels the anxiety peak. He hates that look more than anything.

“….Right, but I mean, how long were you out before you came home?” She asks. She’s trying not to reframe the last couple of days.

“What?”

“Because it looks like they got a lot of pictures, so it must have been a while.” He’s shocked at what she’s saying and she sees it on his face. There’s a dangerous pause.

“Well, it’s not like it hasn’t happened before,” she says defensively. But then she hears the old suspicions coming up with no evidence and wishes she had stopped them.

Anxiety turns into anger in an instant and he sits up and stares at her.

“Rava. Are you kidding me? You- are you- do you believe this? Like… these fucking pieces of shit who follow me everywhere, you were just saying how much you hate them a month ago? Now they have your- what? Respect? You believe them over me? I was here that night, what? You know who owns this shitty paper, right?”

“No- you- right, yes, you were here. It just seems like you were out for a while first, maybe. That’s all. I mean, of course you’re not...”

He looks away and shakes his head.

“You still don’t trust me.” He’s doing everything he can to just stay still, not to run, not to yell, not to hide.

“Well, it’s not just about trust, it’s complicated, you know-“

“Right. I forgot, you know everything about addiction,” he says bitterly. “I don’t go near anything, you should know that. How do you not see his motivation to make it look like- fuck.”

She realizes he’s right about who would order such a thing to be written this week. She sighs.

“I do- I- it’s a bad habit to react like that. I know it’s a lie.”

He doesn’t want to look at her. He picks up his own phone and reads through the article again. He tries to calm down but it’s not getting much easier. This story must be reminding her of all the worst parts of him. Reminding everyone.

“Don’t look at it,” she says hesitantly. He shakes his head.

“I didn’t get the job and this is all over the place now. The kids are going to see it. You don’t even believe me. What- what did I even do all this shit for?”

“I do believe you. And why did you get sober? To… live, to pursue your goals, to be a dad.” She keeps her tone gentle as she tries to look at his face. He’s looking away. “To be a husband.”

“Sure. After three years. And one perceived mistake and you’re gone for another three years. With the kids. And it really will have been for nothing.”

She realizes he doesn’t fully trust her, either. She sinks down to sit on the bed.

“Do you really think that?“ She asks.

He doesn’t answer, but she’s done enough reading about repairing a marriage in recovery to know he does. She knew he’d feel like he wasn’t good enough.

“That’s not true. I promise it’s not,” she assures him.

“I know what you’re thinking,” he says.

“No, you don’t,” she keeps her voice calm even though he’s right about the thoughts that flitted through her head. He’s still quiet. “Come on, talk to me,” she says. “I want to hear what you’re thinking.” He doesn’t think she does, but they’ve come this far.

“Were you- were you even happy before all that shit? Reading all those books about how to ‘deal with me’ before you just left?”

“Of course I was.“ She didn’t want him to feel any more shame. “I was trying to learn- to help you. But, God, that was all so long ago.” She wants to make it go away before it all comes out, but she can’t just let him say that. “And ‘just leaving’ isn’t how I’d put that.” She takes a breath. “I think you know that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

He turns the other way, isolating himself the way he’d learned to do as a kid to protect against certain rejection. He’s so used to their one-sided story that he’s been telling it to himself. He hurt her, he hurt the kids, he doesn’t get to have feelings. He feels the things he’s been pushing down coming up. He thought he could pretend it all never happened and he’s so quiet she can barely hear him.

“You didn’t have to do it like that. I mean… you just left me there.” She tries to remember how to breathe and he continues. “Didn’t seem hard for you. I don’t know, it seemed pretty easy.”

Her eyes widen.

“What?”

“You-you looked at me and you… walked away.”

She can’t believe the moment they’re talking about, the unthinkable moment when she’d finally had to look away from his tear-filled eyes and let go of his hand as she walked down the long pathway from the rehabilitation center. She’d felt like she wasn’t in her body. He’d asked her if he could do this. “I don’t know, Ken.” The faith was gone. He’d wanted to run after her, to tell her again that this couldn’t be it for them. The fear of the detox pain combining with the despair at the thought of losing all the love in his life made him want to run with everything he had. But he couldn’t. He’d stood there and tearfully watched her walk away for as long as the staff would let him.

She had never turned around.

He’d thought she must never want to see him again. She’d thought if she looked back for one second she’d sprint back and never let him go.

She’d sobbed in a ball the whole 6-hour jet ride home and he’d tortured himself imagining her celebrating.

“I know I deserved it. And you had been there for it before, and I know that. So, I tried to understand that, I did. But there was just a part of me that thought you would never- I don’t know. If I were you I’d - I’d probably hate me too, but I just.. fucking-“

“No, I never-“

“-needed you.”

She claps her hand over her mouth. She’d worried that he felt abandoned every day they were apart and he’d never said a word.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispers. “Maybe it was the wrong thing. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t have you then, it wasn’t really you.” She digs deep for the vulnerability she’s been protecting. “And I needed you.”

She hears a quiet scoff.

“Right, well, obviously that’s not true. You walked away. You never called me, you had a fucking boyfriend.”

“He wasn’t- And I was trying to process, or, figure out what could even happen with us.”

“And-“ He tries to stop himself but he can’t think about anything else now. He covers his face and drags his hand down it.

“-how- how could you be with someone else?”

All of a sudden she can feel his heartbreak. She didn’t know what a big deal this was, but it all makes sense now.

“Oh…” She takes a breath and runs a million thoughts through her head of what to say to make him understand how irrelevant that short time feels now. “It was nothing like this, Ken,” she tries.

“Right… he didn’t put you through shit like this I bet.”

“Oh, you can’t be serious. We dated for two months, I’ve been with you for seventeen years!”

“Fourteen.”

He’s still quiet but it lands hard.

“Please come here, it’s not like that,” she says, hoping he’ll turn around.

He stays.

“Not like- going out together, and lying in bed, and, fuck, was he here?” He feels like he’s going insane and feels the sheets touching him.

“Of course not. He never came here, the kids are here. Our kids.”

He hears her and some part of him understands, but he can’t get over this feeling. He puts a pillow over his face so he’ll stop talking. It doesn’t work.

“…Did you love him?” His voice is muffled and soft and it hits even harder that this was not just petty jealousy.

“Oh, no.” She moves a little closer. “I never even stopped sleeping on my side of the bed.”

He remembers when she’d called him six months into their relationship when he had had to go on a corporate golf retreat with a bunch of men forty years his senior. She’d told him she couldn’t stand that she hadn’t seen him in seventy-two hours. She’d said she couldn’t sleep without him, she’d been lying on one side of her twin bed hugging her pillow. He’d told his dad he was going to the pro shop and headed straight for the helicopter. Logan hadn’t let it go for months, but it had been worth it to see her face light up when she’d opened her door, to hear the squeals when she’d jumped into his arms, and to feel the way she’d kissed him over and over when they’d squeezed into her bed.

He’s wondering if it could be like that now. He knows how rare their connection is. She just couldn’t have been like that with some other guy. They’re the ones who people roll their eyes at when they kiss in public because they wish they had that kind of love. He’s never felt this insecure, this inadequate. He feels like he shouldn’t say anything else, but maybe she should know how he felt when she said she was seeing someone.

“I didn’t sleep for a week after you told me. Just thought I’d…. completely fucking lost everything.”

“Ken…” she whispers. She wishes her heart could talk to his.

“You know it wasn’t really anything,” she says softly. “You… dated while we were apart, right? You know how it is?” She’s afraid to know the answer and kind of wishes she hadn’t asked.

“Uh, yeah, no one I could pick out of a lineup.” She feels bad that she’s relieved. He looks down. “You know every time I came to you those nights I thought maybe you’d change your mind? Get back together?” He doesn’t even know why he can’t stop telling her awful truths.

Her heart hurts. She reaches for him and he doesn’t move.

“And I tried to tell you about some- some things I wanted to talk about and you’d just- you know, I still had to go, so…”

“What things?” She’s been trying to coax more out of him since they got back together and runs all the times he’d tried to talk to her back then through her mind.

He doesn’t answer for a minute. He wishes she would reach for him again.

“Nothing. Yeah, I can’t do this. I’m not allowed to say any of this, I get it. I don’t have a side. I might not even… you know… if you hadn’t taken me there. I shouldn’t have- I’m sorry.”

She’s speechless for a moment as she moves closer. She’s so sad that he’s been silently carrying these heavy feelings all this time.

“‘Not allowed’? No, I want to hear everything. And you don’t have to apologize anymore.” She sighs. “It did take me a long time to forgive you. But I have. I needed to be sure, and now I am. That phase is over. Really.” He’s been apologizing forever. She’d read his devastating rehab letter so many times she practically had it memorized. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for ruining everything, but I hope you can someday. For what it’s still worth, if that’s anything, I love you. I can’t imagine my life without you. I don’t want to. I wish I could come home to you. She’d finally decided that he’d been punished enough. She knows they can push through.

“I know this is hard,” she says gently. “But I care about how you feel.” He wants to turn around so badly but can’t bring himself to do it. “You’re right that you’ve heard my side, but I haven’t heard all of yours.”

“Uh… it really doesn’t matter.” He’s done trying to tell her things today. This is the most he’s talked about his feelings in as long as he can remember.

“It matters to me.”

He looks back at his phone.

“My side is this shit.” He drops it off the side of the bed. “No one sees anything else.” She moves a little closer.

“I do.”

He’s spent and sounds defeated.

“Uh huh.”

She’d taught him how to be loved once. Maybe she can do it again.

“Ken, I look at you and I see everything else.”

He says nothing and she lays her hand on his arm.

“I see my husband, who surprised me with a secret little room at our wedding reception so we could have our own first dance. And I see our kids’ dad, who wouldn’t ever give up on our dream and sat with me while I cried all night when I lost the third round of IVF…”

He hesitantly puts his hand on hers. Some things supersede difficult talks.

“…who I shared happy tears with when we finally had a family.” She’s trying not to cry at the memory of them looking at baby Sophie together for the first time. “And who wore antlers today just to make the kids smile, even in the middle of an awful week.

“I see the man who held my hand at my godfather’s funeral six years ago and held me in the car afterward when I couldn’t even speak.” She waits for his reaction but he’s lying still. Listening.

“…who called his little brother when he heard he got dumped, even when he knew he wouldn’t talk about it. …Who sent flowers to my dorm every day for a month after the- experience- of meeting his family for the first time.” She grins. “You know, my roommate asked me where she could get a man like you and I told her I think I have the only one.”

He glances back toward her and she moves closer to spoon him.

“And I see the guy who made me laugh so hard in that restaurant in Florence that I almost slipped off my chair. And everyone was staring and it just made me laugh harder.” She hopes he’s smiling. “Remember that?”

He remembers. Their 10th anniversary trip had been one of the most fun times in their recent history, and shaking his head with a smile on his face as she made people stare at their table in the Michelin star restaurant had been the best moment of the vacation.

“I definitely see my favorite rapper,” she continues with a smile, hoping he’ll give in. Her tone returns to completely genuine.

“I see the only one I ever want cuddled up to me in the morning when we wake up in our bed. I missed that.”

She wraps her arms around him and he leans back into her. She whispers in his ear.

“You’re the love of my life. The only love of my life. That’s what I see when I look at you.”

He rolls over slowly and looks at her face. There’s nothing but honesty there. His eyes are hoping for an answer to a question he can’t bring himself to ask, and she places her hand on his cheek.

“I’m never walking away again.”

He leans in and gives her a soft kiss and moves close so she can finally hold him to her. Heart to heart. He’s reluctant to ask the last question on his mind, but since they’re saying so much of the truth, he summons the courage as he stays up against her.

“Uh… what if- you know, I mean I’m not saying that it would happen, but, what if… I did- slip?”

He can’t even look at her because he’s sure he knows the answer. Her stomach ties itself in a knot.

“But you’re not, you haven’t. You won’t.”

He nods, but he really needs to know.

“Right, yeah. But just… what if?”

She feels queasy.

“Well, if you did- and you won’t- then, I’d need you to go get treatment, obviously. But right away, not… like before.”

“Yeah,” he says. “And if I did that…”

She takes a breath and pulls back just enough to look down into his eyes.

“I’d be there.”

His gaze lingers for a second before he settles back into place. He’s not 100% sure if she means that last part, but he wishes he had the words to express how relieved she’d just made him feel. He’d needed to hear her say all of that for so long. He just hugs her and hopes she knows she just started healing deep wounds he’d been pretending weren’t there. Even with the heavy weight of his dad’s slander on his shoulders, he still feels so much lighter. He looks back at her.

“You know you’re the love of my life, too,” he says. She smiles.

“Oh, I know,” she replies. He lets out a little laugh. “But I like hearing it.” He keeps looking at her.

“You are. Never been any doubt.”

She rubs his arm.

“I love that about you. You’ve always known what you wanted. So, don’t let your dad make you doubt yourself,” she says. He’s never expressed worry about relapsing before, though she’s sure it’s always on his mind.

“Yeah. I don’t want to be like this,” he says. He decides to echo what she said a couple of days ago. “It’s going to get better, yeah?”

She smiles and tilts her head.

“It’s better already, don’t you think?” He nods. He didn’t even realize how hard he’d been trying to keep all of that in. “And I don’t want you to change,” she adds. “But you’ll get that certainty back.”

He glances at her and it slowly becomes a fact.

“I’m not going to slip.”

She feels the warmth in her chest. Peace.

“I know you’re not."

Chapter 8 💗

#this chapter involved research and tears and a ridiculous number of edits #those filming photos really did something to me #so perhaps this can soothe those of you who are similarly afflicted #welcome back to HDMLG where ken and rava are not giving up on each other ❤️#kendall x rava #kendall and rava #kenrava #kendall roy #kendall roy fic #rava roy #succession #succession fic #succession fix it fic #tw rehab #tw drug addiction

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