#dont worry i probably wont actually kill myself

[lastremainingbrainiac5fanatic]

Coming to terms with the fact that you will never have a relationship (platonic or romantic) where you both are eachothers first choice for things is devastating. I was born into a world without my consent and I've lived my life at the back of the line, hearing countless stories about someone like me finding "the one" and finally feeling whole, finally being chosen and valued, and it sounds so. Fucking. Nice.

And then I realize that there's sex tied to that. Something I don't want. And I realize that I will never be enough. That in order to have that I have to give away a part of me. And that even if I don't ill always feel lesser for it. No matter what I choose I'll always feel lesser.

And then I realize I don't even really want a relationship at all. I just want to be loved. I want to be wanted. Not in a romantic or sexual way but just in a ME way. I want to be a wanted presence. I want someone to want me around just because I'm me and I want them to want me around more than they do most people. And I know that's selfish and stupid and whatever the fuck you wanna call it but I've never been wanted in my life. And I want, for once, to have a seat saved at the table, next to someone who loves me as I am and who wants me to be there with them for as long as I can. Just like I do for them.

And I know it's like "oh Milo you can get a QPR!" Okay. No. I can't. I've only met 2 people in my life that have made me genuinely want to spend forever with them and I know for a fact neither of them would choose me first if it came to it. One because she has her boyfriend, who she says is the closest bond she has. And the other because he's genuinely way to fucking cool and has a lot of really good close friends who he would (and should) choose over me in a heartbeat. And it's fine! Like I get it, and I would never say that they can't or shouldn't choose someone else over me, it just hurts. It hurts that I'll never get what so many people get. That I'll never feel what so many people feel. It's devastating knowing that I can never love myself and that no one else is going to either. Idk. It just fucking sucks.

On another shitty note: got the results back from my mental health screen and they said that they couldn't diagnose me cuz they thought I was exaggerating my problems, and so therefore did not believe my answers to any of the questions were valid. Fucking sick, can't believe I failed an unfailable test. I'm killing it. Or I guess I'm killing something anyway. Hahahaha.

[ribbonzregretz]

posting so much rn bc im losing my grip on reality but i stay sillyyyyy

[ganondoodle]

actively fighting a full blown panic attack born out of sadness and anger after having to drive by yet another victim on the side of the road

it makes me livid how accepted it is to just let cats suffer and die disgustingly horrid deaths and live awful short lives just so what, for what?? so you dont have to play with them for an hour a day??? when i was little it was just kinda normal that they disappeared at some point, i didnt understand what it actually meant until our outdoor cat i loved dearly was found in the bushes near our house in a condition so horrible my dad has never told me and i have never dared to ask, she only made it to 6 and had horrible scars and infections before that i allowed my family to convince me to let my first own cat outside, we only had her for a year, she died at only 2 years old, i am still suffering from the guilt, it has never let me go, she went missing for a week and i walked the entire vilage up and down every day, yelling her name, wandering into the forest alone, talking to every stranger i met until one morning my mom told me that our neighbour who works for the city asked if we had a white cat with a very specific collar she had- he found her on a busy road crossing in the next bigger city, i never even got to bury her, its haunting me, the thought of her wandering lost and scared in the city for a week until meeting an awful end gives me headaches, the fact that i was the last one to see her alive, that i put her outside bc we were late for school and had to leave quickly, that she had come home with oil in her fur from crawling through maschines and cars before, that i was worried but still didnt act, that it is my fault, any time i am up to late its coming back, it will never let me go, if i had stood my ground and not allow her outside unless on a leash or similar shed still be alive today, any time i read a description at our local shelter it comes back, they still advocate for outside cats, all of them, even if they have only been an indoor one before, its madness my older sister had a cat, i dont even know how old he got but it wasnt long either, he got hit by a car in front of their house, she has two now again and the only reason she hasnt let them outside is because they havent shown much interest in it, i tried to warn her before and she didnt listen and shes still resistent, even after losing one too

i have seen so many on the side of the road, anywhere i drive i see them, i cannot forget a single one, we are surrounded by farm land and all its giant maschinery, its still common to poison rodents, why do people value them so little, you wouldnt let your dog just live outside in the woods and streets for half the day or more, you wouldnt just throw your guniea pigs on the road and tell them have fun, you wouldnt just let your bird roam outside, there probably assholes that do that too but you cannot tell me its as common as outside cats

i dont understand it, i dont, i wont, i never will, i will never forgive myself this poor little animal that was my responsibility having to pay the price of my ignorance, or my own weakness letting my family convince me despite the awful way we lost one before, it makes me want to explode it hurts my brain in grief and anger i can barely contain

cats deserve to live a safe and long life, i get only having them inside may feel like you are locking them up, but do you think that not doing so is worth having them die a painful death? being poisonend? on purpose even by disgusting people that hate them? abused and chased by other animals and dogs? hurt and lost? cutting their lifespan in half? if they even make it that far? the amount of wildlife that they kill unnecessarily so when all of that is already in a steep decline everywhere? and if they eat what they hunt get infected with diseases or again, poison? die somewhere in agony? if cared for they dont care about going outside, plenty can be leash trained or given a secure way to roam like those cat proof aviary like things, if you dont want to put effort into caring for a cat DONT GET ONE, ALL pets require adequate care, and if you think cats are the easiest bc you only have to feed them every now and then IF they come home? you suck, you are an asshole, i hate you and you do not care about them, if you just want to occasionalyl feed and pet an animal go to the petting zoo

(this is about pet cats of people who can absolutely afford to keep them healthily inside, i know feral cats and those in poor neighbourhoods are a thing, even if not here where i live, and thats a whole other but still similar problem and not the point of this post)

[bloodydelightss]

Smth that really makes me hot to think about is, like thinking about a big brother thats killed and tortured people... and weve already had this flowering blossoming incestious relationship. Where ive already noticed hes "off" in some way, but ive always enjoyed it and liked it. Ive never thought hed like actually hurt someone. But ive also never had to worry abt being hurt by him either, cause when it comes down to it hes nothing but sweet and gentle to me, the perfect big bro, really. And hes giving in bed, dominant but gentle. Sometimes even lets me dominate him. Hes good like that, ideal really. But anyways, once I find that fact out about him....... I still dont leave him, really. I love him in spite of it. But now im scared of what hed to do to me if he found out I KNOW. So I try to hide it from him, badly.

And once he figures it out, he like kidnaps me and keeps me prisoner. He builds me a cute little room, it has everything I like in it, its very much tailored to me. It still expresses his affection for me and maybe also how he idealizes me. But im still a prisoner nontheless.

And he apologies to me for having to do this to me, and that he loves me, but he just cant be sure I wont betray him or rat him out, that he never meant for me to find out. Hes even hesistant to touch me at all at that point, cuz he doesnt want me to get the wrong idea. This isnt abt violating me, its merely about trying to rescue the relationship to me he wants to keep, he doesnt want me to backstab him.

But nontheless im now trapped by my big brother, completely at his mercy, in a way he doesnt intend to take advantage of.

And even tho I havent written abt anything sexual there yet the idea of that gets me wetter than anything else honestly.

Cuz then it quickly turns into a situation of I have to prove to my big brother that I rlly rlly wont betray him, and that I do accept him, and that maybe ive always been into that part of him anyways. I love the idea of going thru rlly psychologically challenging emotions, like arousal, enjoying the power he wields, having fantasies of hurting others myself, but also the immense fear of the reality of it all. Cuz maybe its hot, but do I rlly not give a damn abt all the other ppl hes hurt? Do I care more about what gets me wet, and what gets him off, and our connection than random innocent ppl? Hes the one lacking empathy and a sense of guilt, not me.

Eitherway.... Its a rlly psychologically horror-like situation and im fundamentally attracted to that.

Ofc the solution pretty much after a long-wided proccess of slowly breaking my own capacity for empathy and guilt down, maybe talking a lot to him, sharing how I think and feel... even letting him touch me sexually whilst imprisoned by him... but also maybe learning to trust him more than before, cuz he has me utterly utterly helpless, and hes still being decent enough, I get good food, he respects my boundaries, hes not cruel, he doesnt have repressed anger resurfacing. Hes mostly just apologetic, sad, and maybe also admits to "enjoying" having me in his grasp a little to much.

Anyways.. eventually I would "choose him". And id tell him smth he probably thought of himself already, that he should take me along to kill and torture someone, incriminate me, make sure that however way this goes, I cannot betray him.

I like the idea of me..... yknow, tearing up as we kill the person, so confused by how good and powerful that feels, but also pushed beyond what my moral compass wud allow me by far. But then id also feel so much closer to my big brother, would understand him better, id get to enjoy what he enjoys.. id get to maybe feel freed of that empathy nd sense of guilt.

Id imagine him fucking the corpse of the first person we kill together right in front of me, and my hand slowly slipping inside my panties, speechless and afraid of how hot that is to me, and slowly, slowly that sensation of power comes over and I just feel better and better..

I smile at him and I am so happy I have him, so happy that thanks to him im able to feel that powerful, that alive, that taken care of. Hes all I could ever need or want.

[quodekash]

IM GONNA HAVE A STROKE ITS TIME FOR EPISODE 4 OF DANGEROUS ROMANCE

I think they should probably kiss right now. that would be nice please and thank you

THE BACK TOUCH IM SCREAMING

bro why he look so confused

is he having gay thoughts or smth and hes confused as to why it's soccer-ball-usb induced?

I love this woman so much

my goddess

my queen

milf fr

OML-

IM LITERALLY CRYING FROM RESTRAINING THE URGE TO LAUGH

I WOULDNT SAY THAT, KHUN

WE DONT KNOW THAT FOR SURE

like yeah, sailom can't rly control kang's study habits outside of their tutoring sessions, but I wouldn't say he can't control him like... at all, ever.

he has top vibes tbh

HE AGREES WITH ME

"um, excuse me bitch (respectful), sailom controls me very well, I am a submissive QUEEN"

"do you want to go on a date with me?" "will you be my boyfriend?" "can I kiss you?" all of the above?

I know it wont be any of the above but I can dream

I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH

HE'S SO KIND ALL OF A SUDDEN???

he was fine with being the worst part of Sailom's life, and then suddenly discovered so many other things in his life that Sailom has to face every day, and the punishment he gets every month if he doesn't pay his debt, and Kang realises he's the least of Sailom's problems, and he suddenly wants to help him as much as he possibly can. previously, he was offering his money to Sailom but not as comfort or help, but because he recognised his privilege and power and used it to taunt Sailom and to remind him who is in charge. but then he saw two grown men assaulting him and nearly pressing a hot iron to his face, and Kang suddenly saw just how much power and privilege he has, in the sense that he can literally solve most of Sailom's problems (because they mostly boil down to money) without any change in his own status whatsoever

he went from wanting to be the worst part of Sailom's life, to wanting to fix the actual worst parts of his life, and I just love him so much can you blame me for loving him so much

OKAY BUT THE FACT THAT THEY'RE BOTH IN SCHOOL UNIFORM IN THIS IS SO INTERESTING TO ME

like. are they just taking a detour on the way home from school? or did they run away?

ive got my fingers crossed for an episode (perhaps two?) where they've run away and it's all happy and fluffy and they're away from the pain and the drama and its just me and you and you and me and we can be happy while we're here, we don't have to worry what anyone else thinks about us because we're together. and its probably at a beach.

HE GRABBED HIM BY THE ARM IM GONNA DIE THEY'RE SO REUBKJLF

just give me a moment while I sob

NO BC HE'S HOLDING HIS HAND

LIKE-

AAAAAA

THE HAND ON THE SHOULDER AND THE HAND ON THE HAND

I KNEW THIS FRIKIN VR SCENE WOULD KILL MY SOUL BUT LIKE IN A GOOD WAY

why am I crying.

can someone please explain to me why this is making me cry.

its so domestic. help.

YOU'RE LITERALLY SO IN LOVE WITH HIM????

THIS ENTIRE MONTAGE IS THE END OF ME HOLY HELL

THEYRE SO DOMESTIC. IM DYING.

KANG FALLING ASLEEP ON SAILOM'S SHOULDER??? SAILOM FIDGETING WITH THE PENCIL AND KANG LOOKING AT HIM AND THEN LOOKING AT EACH OTHER AND THEN JUST SMILING???? SAILOM PUTTING THE BLANKET OVER KANG WHEN HE FELL ASLEEP AT THE TABLE????

THIS???????

IM GONNA CRY. AGAIN.

IM ALSO GONNA RUN OUT OF SCREENSHOTS FOR ONE TUMBLR POST BUT I DONT CARE, THEY MEAN TOO MUCH TO ME

THATS IT.

IM DONE.

THAT'S THE END OF ME

I SWEAR I FEEL MYSELF RISING UP TO HEAVEN

wait now I think im going down, maybe im going to hell

I have no sense of direction, I got lost on the way to wherever I was going and now im back in my body but HOLY FRICK ITS VERY LIKELY THAT I WILL DIE AGAIN

VUIERJSBDGOPUVJBEWSDOG

GOOD JOB

THATS SO FREAKING GOOD OMG

IM SO PROUD OF YOU HONEYYY

oh look, a not-so-subtle ✨metaphor✨

I think it's about them studying? without wind, the windmills can't spin, and then can't produce energy. without Sailom, Kang wouldn't have the push he needs to study?

it's something like that

it also might not be about studying. it could be about kindness

if it weren't for Sailom's situation, Kang wouldn't have had the change of heart that caused him to be kinder (particularly towards Sailom but im also hoping that he's helping him develop deeper empathy for others who also aren't as fortunate as Kang)

idk its something like that

he leaned closer and now I can't tell if he's genuinely asking the question, or if he's trying to flirt

OKAY WITH THE MUSIC PLAYING I THINK IT'S PROBABLY BOTH

IT'S FINALLY HAPPENED

HE FINALLY DID IT

THE TOP GOT FLUSTERED

BRO THAT IS SUCH A SUGGESTIVE SMILE

HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING, THE LITTLE RASCAL

I think he should give him a good luck and goodbye kiss

I think they should kiss is what im saying

pLEASEKISS-

WAIT I DIDNT THINK THEY WOULD ACTUALLY LISTEN????

I know they're not actually gonna kiss. I know he's just gonna like tell sailom about how his grandma wont let him tutor him if he fails his midterms BUT I DONT CARE, I FELT VICTORIOUS FOR A SECOND, AND THAT'S NOT A FEELING I GET OFTEN SO LET ME BASK IN THE GLORY FOR A MOMENT

DUDE YOU'RE LITERALLY THE WIND TO HIS WINDMILL, OF COURSE YOU HAVE INFLUENCE

AND HAVE YOU SEEN HOW MUCH STUDYING KANG'S BEEN DOING WITH YOU?? YOU'VE HAD SUCH A POSITIVE IMPACT ON HIS LIFE ITS INSANE (and you should totally kiss about it)

HE'S LITERALLY LYING AWAKE THINKING ABOUT HIM, IF THAT ISN'T THE GAYEST SHIT IDK WHAT IS

I mean maybe it's the exams hes thinking about. but he's mostly thinking about how, if he doesnt pass all his exams, he'll lose sailom, and he doesnt want that because a) sailom could get beat up to a pulp again, and b) he doesn't want to lose sailom as his tutor when tutoring is like the only time they get to see each other and hang out, and he's realised how much he likes sailom and that he desperately doesn't want to lose that friendship - or the potential for it to become something more

conclusion: gay.

Y E S

YES YES YES YES YES

SIDE COUPLE MOMENT SIDE COUPLE MOMENT

THEY HATE EACH OTHER SO MUCH RN AND IT'S SO ENDEARING TO ME

THEY WANT TO RIP EACH OTHER LIMB FROM LIMB AND IT'S SO ROMANTIC

juST KISS

you can do it bby, you are incredible

I think he'd do a lot better if he had adhd meds

because he has adhd. it's canon I decided.

do you want some of my Vyvanse, kang?

OH LOOK AT THAT, IM CRYING AGAIN

oh look at that, I ran out of screenshots

OH LOOK AT THAT, IVE BEEN WATCHING THIS FOR OVER AN HOUR AND IM ABOUT 15 MINUTES INTO THE EPISODE. FRICK.

[strawberryona]

Cannibalism and Kabru? Interesting. I wonder how he would do with such thing, considering that he’s most likely traumatized by seeing people from his home village being devoured by monsters…

Anyways, I wanted to ask this for a while now:

So, what are your ideas for this ship? What is your s/i like? How did she and Kabru meet? What is the dynamic? What role does cannibalism plays? Just, I’m dying to know what is going on.

Fun fact: I myself have been eyeing Kabru before properly watching Dungeon Meshi, suspecting that I might get a crush on him. But then shit happened, and here I am, obsessing over Thistle instead... Kabru is still cool, though. I especially love how the manga shows that him lying to manipulate people has consequences, so now he has to supress his honest emotions and do things he doesn’t want to do. It’s hilarious, I have never seen it done anywhere before.

(By the way, I’ve seen many people joke about being disappointed by Kabru being a man because they though he was a beautiful butch woman. Thoughts on that?)

– villain-in-love

so sorry to say… the cannibalism is mostly symbolic…. 😔 it’s like sentiments of “i want to eat you” and sexual biting and like. heavy cannibalism allusion used in smut. that kind of thing. kabru i think wouldnt be able to stomach survival cannibalism much less pleasure cannibalism like hes not that kind of guy. cath is a different story.

speaking of cath shes my s/i. her name is Catherine Entrailé she’s fantasy french (unfortunately, that was just too good a name…) and she’s a vulture beastman (were-vulture?). she can shift between human and vulture forms and was cursed to be this way (like izutsumi). she needs to turn fully into a vulture every so often or suffers consequences, she disappears from the party for a few days at a time and they notice a vulture following them, etc etc…

i havent decided who cursed her shes still a fledgling character. likewise i dont know how cath and kabru met (shes in his party) and suggestions would be appreciated lol. i am thinking of giving her a dead sister or something as backstory.

also, as backstory, she has past trauma from being poisoned, so she has to know EXACTLY whats in her food at all times. she eats carrion because its one flesh with no extra ingredients. this sets up conflict with senshi bc nooo why are you putting extra things in my food are you going to poison me!! so she’s like izutsumi bc they’re both picky eaters. she and izutsumi would either get along like a house on fire Or become lifelong mortal enemies. also there might be an arc there about growing past it because shes a vulture now and can digest many toxins without being harmed.

i think thats probably all i have for her for right now, hopefully i can come up with more stuff soon~ i know her dynamic with kabru, though. the reason why she’s in the dungeon is because she’s a murderhobo actually. she’s like kabru in that she hates monsters, but she hates Literally Everything Else too and thinks all humans should die. if she doesnt kill things in the dungeon she will start doing it on the surface. kabru is worried by and captivated by her weird psychology. they also hook up before he realizes she’s a beastman bc she keeps it well hidden. after he realizes he fucked a girl thats part monster he gets so upset it gives him cramps. i still dont know how to get over this obstacle lol i do not think kabru wants to be shipped with a demihuman. sucks for him bc im doing it anyway hes my little toy 🤍

other assorted thoughts: cath heavily enables kabru’s desires and they have like hungry hands-everywhere can’t-get-enough-of-your-body-sex, laios is the reason why cath became more comfortable telling people she’s a beastman and existing in an state between human and vulture (kabru wants to kill himself so bad rn), tension between rin and kabru and cath happens where rin absolutely despises cath bc kabru wont give her attention but will give cath attention. cath kind of doesnt care about rin too much bc shes aro/polyam like me. if they one sided hatefuck it will go nuclear and tear the party apart.

anyways to the rest of your ask! yes kabru is such an interesting and unique character! i like how hes shown as sympathetic and with good intentions but has some very worrying traits like what is up with his freaky stare when he straight up executes those guys? and when he attacks falin? and also the way his trauma affects him is pretty well done. sometimes he reminds me of light yagami but better lol. he also does take it upon himself who gets to live and die based on a moral framework of “some humans are irredeemable vermin that must be removed” but he’s actually a likeable character and DOES NOT have a god complex. my poor little fucked up guy im gonna use him

i never thought kabru was a butch woman but sometimes i wish he was 😔 though i’ve been doing surprisingly well with the idea of him as a cis man. it pisses me off a little bit that he and cath are m/f and both cis. at least hes bisexual. usually my s/is are lesbian but i cant do that here lol. ALTHOUGH i was thinking genderfluid or crossdresser kabru maybe inspired by ryuko kui’s r63 art (Manipulative Girlfriend kabru you will always be famous) plus this tweet: https://x.com/bedtimecreature/status/1768118459693682865?t=2IniV5ZjNZ9m-fdhHU-Vcg&s=19 idk he just looks really good here man i love him. (i dont hc him as transmasc tho)

this is getting long lol so i think ill end it here. hey i got it in earlier than “in the next week”! thanks for reminding me i had to write this haha

[wormbloggign]

genuinely interested in what taylors reading here, assuming it isnt required reading for school since the prt seems to have regulations on and about juvenile capes

i wonder if its twilight?

self care!!! (she would not give herself this kind of time off if she werent in prison)

taylors back to her favourite pastime again!

the logistics around this would be very funny to figure out, though i pity the sap that has to change the bug-ket when it gets full

that explains how quickly they got it, i had assumed dragon was just being creepy and had pre-made the hero!skitter costume in the hopes it came up.

this way is probably better

...

yeah, nah that's not gonna work. "mistakes" is doing a bit too much heavy lifting on your part armsdealer

he is staying as STILL as POSSIBLE (goofy guy behaviour)

so were currently 2 for 2 on PRT non-cape fuckheads, lets see how he holds up! (either way i somehow doubt he is long for this world)

Mrs Yamada. I like where you're coming from but therapy + 10 judgemental onlookers might not be the best call.

aw fuck hes getting downright endearing

REAL (clockblocker has shot up to S tier)

WORLDS SLIMIEST MAN (its nice that hes on taylors side but like wow this guy is shit)

GIRL!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR SPOT CHECKING!!

she does not give up on her hobbies gd

dont worry, all im doing is setting up a large scale surveillance state, perfectly ethically and legally sound.

okay ignore any bad ting i may have ever expected to say about glenn.

THIS MAN GETS IT

YES!!!

WERE GETTING DOWN THE PRESENTATION!!!!

the dissonance is too powerful for him, he's seen taylor at some of her most nightmariest highs and now she's going through the same public relations hoops he had to

i really wasnt trying to find him this charming, i really wasnt

taylor drops ONE (1) bugfact and suddenly shes getting called a nerd. maybe the endbringers are right, we really should kill them all

d-doesn't he go to classes on exacty this?

what am i saying, he wouldnt pay attention in school

yes actually, 'disturbing' does suit your swarm of insects quite well as an adjective

i get that we're supposed to be a little annoyed at the constant micromanaging but i expected theyd do at least this much, im surprised she didnt get some media training beforehand, theyre being pretty hands off, all things considered.

maybe thats because they want her to fail though :(

eyyyy! thats... deeply disturbing as a heroes one-liner actually. maybe take some more time workshopping that

oh that's nice, her bugs worked to break concentration, this is a fight against dnd wizards

LETS GET ELDRITCH BABEYYY

unbe-weaver-ble

i do love how hard theyre commited to the bit though

legitimately sick burn

had to be done, glenn wont be happy though

B)

“Taylor Hebert?  On the issue with the bug population of my facility, I feel it would be a very bad idea to provide you with a caustic substance to give your bugs, given what your file says you achieved with capsaicin.  I had a bug zapper purchased, and you should be able to access it with each and every one of your tiny soldiers.  I expect to see it used, understand?”

(moving to copy paste bc tumblr says no more screenshots)

immensely funny solution

The spiders, I kept on hand, directing them to the burned corpses.  They could breed, in time, and I could put them somewhere where they wouldn’t encounter any people. Breaking the rules, maybe, but it was something to occupy my thoughts.  It made me feel just a little safer, a little more like myself.

its gonna be so funny when the wardens find the underground spider breeding ring

[skyechild]

Wont let go

𖤐 pairing: Hyunjin x reader

𖤐 genre: angst :D

𖤐 warnings: just angst

𖤐 wc: 1.5k

𖤐 summary: You cant let go...

𖤐 notes: this hurt me writing, like i actually teared up. this is inspired but Till I Let Go by NEFFEX

𖤐 network and tag list: @cultofdionysusnet / @spooo00oky / @stravvberrymilksan /

You stare at the little flowers in your hand, sitting on the wet grass infront of a pile of rocks. Your gaze turns up towards the sky, smiling weakly as the clouds opened up and the rain drenched everything, mixing with the tears on your cheeks. “Is this you telling me not to cry?” Eyes closed as you pressed the heels of your hands against your eyes. “You always hated it when i cried. Especially if it was over you.” You choked on a watery laugh, placing the sad bundle of flowers next to the rocks.

“I cant move on Jin, i cant move on cause i cant let go. I just-” You looked down at the pile of rocks, the clearing in front of you filled with soft pink tulips. “You always said that we would live forever. But now...” You bit your lip, eyes burning. “Now you arent...here...” You let out a heart wrenching cry, covering your face. “Your jokes you pulled on everyone.” You sobbed, adjusting to lay down, facing the sky. 

“The pain makes it real, i dont want to feel...i just wanna kill the bad thoughts and steal a good thought.” You whispered, smiling at the faint feeling of a brush against your cheek. “I hate feeling broken.” You clenched your fists. “I drown in our memories, Hyunjin. I wonder if you can hear me.”

“I feel so lost, im never at home. This is the first time ive been out in two weeks.” You smiled softly. “You always were such a good listener.” You giggled wetly, watching the sky get darker. “What i just lay here with you?” You turned onto your side, hair sticking to your neck and forehead. “Just for tonight. We can stargaze together? Sounds good right?” You smiled, bringing your legs up to your chest and playing with the ring on your finger. “You promised we would get married...you remember that right?” You smile softly. 

“Jisung and Felix have been trying to talk to me, trying to get me out of the house. The bed still smells like you...” You whisper, stroking the wet grass . “Ive been wearing your clothes.” You thumbed the stem of a flower. “You would be nagging at me to take care of myself...dont worry ive been trying. I’ve been eating and taking showers.” You breathed deeply. “But i spend most of my time in our bed, surfing through memories. The ones we have on our phones and on the computer.”

You cried softly. “I just...i miss you so much Hyunjin.” You hiccupped, gripping a patch of grass. “Im never going to let go.” You sniffled. “Im not going to move on.” You sobbed, curling into yourself. “I knows its not healthy but I made you a promise. You made it to. Its us against the world. Us forever.” You smiled. “I just wish you wouldve opened your eyes. Let me hear your voice and your laugh. Hold your hand and hug you.” You cried softly, resting your head on the grass.

“I just want to see you again...” You whimpered, closing your eyes. “I need time to heal...” You whispered, gripping your chest. “Hyunjin...” You choked out his name. “I hope they dont take me away from you again...i wouldnt be able to take it. Chris will probably come though. He seems to know where i am all the time.” You joked through tears. 

“Remember when we went on that Ferris wheel? I was so scared and you thought rocking it would be funny?” You chuckled, sniffling. “We had our first kiss there...its also where you said you wanted to propose.” You smiled. “Since we had so many memories there.”

“I cant forget how you some how lost me that day. im not even that much shorter then you. But you found me, like you always do.” You hiccupped softly. “Remember when we took that trip to Australia?” You smiled, giggling at the memory. “You got so scared when we went to the rescue sanctuary. All the dingos and the roos.” You sighed. “Of all the animals, you got scared of the Tasmanian devils.” You chuckled. “I can imagine your whine to that.” You let your clothes soak in the water, leaving you soaked in the clearing you and Hyunjin had claimed as yours. 

“I would have done anything to keep you here. To keep you with me and alive.” You whispered, already hearing the sound of tires on gravel. “After you, its always Chris that would find me. I can hear him now y’know?” You chuckled lightly. “Hes almost here, they probably got into my apartment since i wasnt answering the door. You gave him an extra key remember.” You wiped your nose on your wet sleeve. “Why did you leave me.” You whispered, shifting to curl around the pile of rocks. “I know you wouldnt hang out at your grave, you said you would always be here, roam around in this clearing.”

You heard the tires get closer. “I can feel you around sometimes.” You looked through the tulips. “Barely there touches, a could pressure on my cheek.” You smiled. “You never did leave me, just physically. Youre here with me.” You heard the car stop a bit away, not wanting to ruin any of the flowers. “Chris is here now. He is probably coming to get me.” You touched one of the rocks, stroking the smooth surface. “I hate emotions my love. Why did you leave me with these?” You could hear Chris’ steps coming closer.

You sighed, closing your eyes and taking a breath. “I guess he wont let us stargaze huh.” It was still pouring rain and you could barely hear your last words through the rain. “Probably going to storm tonight.” You whispered, not wanting to leave your place as you heard the squish of Chris’ shoes against the wet grass.

“I knew id find you here.” You could barely hear Chris over the rain. He came and kneeled next to you. “Lets go home Y/n.” You shook your head. “This is my home, hes my home Chris....ill never be home again.” You murmured and the rain started to let up. “He wouldnt want you to get sick.” You stayed quiet. “Youve been gone for a few hours....the others are worried.” He spoke, placing a warm hand on your head. “I cant even see his parents Chris.” You cried softly. “He looks just like them and my heart hurts everytime.” He nodded, stroking your head. “How about we come back tomorrow ok?” You shake your head. 

“Baby i hate to say it but...i dont trust you alone...” You sniffled. “I know you miss him love. “Im not going to move on from him. Or let go of him.” You whispered. “I dont want anyone else.” Chris sighed. “I know love, and i can reassure you that he knows too. But we have to go, youve been out here too long and i know youre going to get sick. Meaning the kids are going to come and baby you.” You smiled slightly before moving and slowly getting up. “Take a warm shower then change into warm clothes. Felix and Jisung are already there, Felix is probably stress baking. Jisung is probably slowly losing it.”

You nodding, letting him help you up as your legs wobbled. “Chris?” He hummed, wrapping an arm around your waist to keep you up. “Why did he leave me?” He smiled sadly. “Love, he didnt do it on purpose. He was just driving.” You shook your head. “Why did i survive and not die with him?” Chris shook his head, getting you into the car and turning it on, letting the air slowly warm you up. You stared out the window, jolting when a blanket wrapped around your shoulders. Chris smiled as he starts to drive you both back to your house, your eyes watching the clearing til you could no longer keep it in eyesight. You stared out the window, quiet.

Thats the most you had talked to someone since the time Hyunjin left your side. Radio silence is what everyone had been getting from you since it happened. You stayed in your seat once he pulled up to your house. “We are home.” You shook your head. Its not home if Hyunjin isnt here. He smiled faintly before coming over to help you out as your front door swung open. His head snapped over to the door, giving them a look. They stopped in their spot, watching as he led you into the house. “Go shower, change too and we will be here.” You turned your gaze to Jisung and Felix. “Can you guys stay?” They nodded rapidly.

You looked back at Chris then towards the others. “Can one of you...stand by the door while i shower? I dont...I dont like how quiet it is now.” Chris nodded. “Ill be right behind you.”

[lesbiantesttube]

Negative/sui weaaarning and also text wall

I know posting about things like this randomly on the internet is like bad and I genuinely dislike using an online web site account for posting about wanting to Kill Myself but I mean obviously irl there arent actually like. Resources for helping with this. Atleast none I've ever found. And if i dont say my words somewhere it WILL turn into a psychotic episode so umm. Uea. Its a habit i dont want to like, keep forever, it's just....Uuuhhh.Yea. Of course no like.. Pressure...For any like, consolance or interaction or anything like I just simply post serious stuff here for the fact it's Out There and Can Be Seen and so theres no forcing to like. Actually say anything.Dont worry

But like i really wanna kill myself so bad. My bday gets closer and closer and closer and I have no excitement. I want to die before it. I know this is like, such a turnaround from my previous thoughts after my sister died, where I was like, "This is where things change!" Nononono. Nothing is where things change or don't change it's all just relative even if she's dead now and even with all of my trauma and mental problems there is no guarantee things will get better, there is no guarantee they WONT get better, nothing is anything Special it's all just Occurrences and Reactions etc and not even in a nihilistic way i literally LOVE the world and feel REALLY hopeful for the world as a whole and I do think everything is amazing it's just like omfg I am so scared and sad all the time and I dont think itll get better like.

I know this sounds like really geeky and stupid but I'm sad that pride month is about to end and I still feel alone and isolated in my identity and who i am and being a gay girl like I really do feel awful if I think about it for too long. I try to ignore myself as long as I can like genuinely until I just cant anymore. I just want to be what everyone else is, that kind of thing.

And i mean dont worry im probably going to be fine. Im going to keep trying. It's just I'm really, really scared and sad and with how my psychotic episodes keep like, getting stronger and stronger in how they control me it's like what if I'm thinking the wrong thing during one and do something I can never turn back from? Like. Uuuyhh.

Pooooooop

[eddie-rifff]

suicide talk tw

tl;dr at the end

lol. something happened at work on friday that may very well not relate to me or effect me in any way but i am worried im going to lose my job over it. like i want to clear it up asap but im worried asking about it will make me seem insane in case it DOESNT relate to me but if it does i need to know. so yeah all day ive been like hardcore anxiety at a 8/10 with 10 being screaming crying panic wondering what im going to do with my life if i get fired. like if im too stupid to do what i do now, and its the only thing i have experience in, then what the fuck am i supposed to do? proofreading is my only "skill" like seriously i cant do anything else. so if i get fired for the one thing i was supposed to be good at i think thats it for me as in lights out shows over. so i told that to my friend and he was like well how would you do it and i was like ummmmm. idk actually. in the past ive tried to OD on meds and, clearly, that didnt work. we didnt have anything in our house powerful enough then and i dont think we do now but id have to go through my dads stuff to be sure. our guns are like not really capable of killing a human theyre more like varmint guns so that wont do. we have the train tracks but i couldnt do that do my family so. if i get fired im not fucking applying to hundreds of jobs for three years again. i think i might just live in misery forever until i can find a way to kms i guess.

but like i said. i dont even know if what happened friday has anything to do with me. im just so so so so worried that it does. i am so incredibly fortunate to have the job i do, such that any seed of doubt that can be scraped together to suggest that it might be in jeopardy just makes me insane.

like idk it would really probably be for the best that i do die asap for my own good. but ive seen firsthand three times now how absolutely devastating the suicide of a young person is on countless people around them. like the person whose visitation i went to was the sister of a former best friend who i met maybe two times 15 years ago and i have been thinking about her and tearing up regularly since i found out. but idk im not nearly as likable as she was so i wouldnt necessarily have that effect. i kind of fucking suck in fact. i know shelby and my family and my ex would be very hurt but is living out the rest of my life in pain worth it just to spare their feelings? i guess thats the question every suicidal person has to ask.

like i know i am no one's #1. i know my place. but i know my family still loves me in some capacity and imagining them finding me dead and grieving me just hurts so badly. but if i get fired and am faced with what i had to deal with prior to this job idk what else im supposed to do. it really really feels like my only option

i am so fucking sick of trying to get better. i WAS better but then the idea of being fired got put into my head (by myself) and here i am again. i really will be ok as long as i dont get fired. but bro i dont think i can take any more of it if i do. the therapists and the shrinks and the drugs and the "im here if you need to talk"s i just cant fucking take another second of it.

tl;dr

im worried about getting fired because im reading into something that happened at work and now im suicidal again hooray

[lordmushroomkat]

hi sorry to place a mild rant here i just cant do journaling to myself. So i got diagnosed with pcos and i just got birth control to take. And i dont know how to feel about it. Im genderqueer but not ready to come out and like E was the only option they gave me and since im a teen i didnt know, still dont know, how, if, when i can tell these people that i dont think this is what i want. Im writing this right before im supposed to take my first pill and im scared. Scared i will hate it and will have to live with that because i just cant come out. But im also scared it will make me feel better. Do as my mom says and make me less tired, less cranky. Im scared that when she says that she is doing this because its the best for my health, that she is scientfically right. And my dr even mentioned how i didnt seem to care about anything they were talkin about (pills-side effects, “benefits”) but like after the fact i realized that i could have said that i didnt care because all that she wasnt going to improve my life in any fucking meaningful way. Like body hair? Love it. Or well i would like to remove some not all of it, and not feel like in removing like stomach hair that i was agreeing that i was a women or that hair is disgusting. Because i would remove hair for myself ya know. Not for the preconcieved idea of who i am and how i should look. And acne? If i cared id actually put my acne cream on. Fertility? Dont want children, and they talked about unwanted random fertility but im ace and sex repulsed. Beyond the first visit they didnt even mention cancer. Ive been telling myself im going to take these pills to prevent cancer in uterine lining. And im scared to look up how true thag is. I mean on how e decreases these helath risks. Im scared theyre right. Im scared their wrong. I will fucking riot if they are lying because that means this is for nothing. Im scared it wont give me gender dysphoria, scared i will have dysphoria because it wull peel layers off the dissasosiation i face. and before all this i was planning on making my mom a presentation about intersex people and gender. Because shes supportive just a littl confused and not radical, im radical because grief has made me angry and i want to let her in on it ig. But i dont think i can do that anymore. Because i would have pointed myself out as intersex. Imply she could be too if she liked the label. But im scared that her being cis, and having struggled with weight and eating when she was a teen (and that pcos effects weight) would mean she would hate the idea. Would call me wrong or cite drs. She told me to shave under my arms once, for the convience when traveling light on vacation so that deodorant worked better?? And hours after she said it i realized if i existed for ease i would crase to exist. But im worried whats a good ease for her would be a killer for me. Idk anymore. i guess any advice? But that will probably be to come out and i dont think i can do that. any research or resources that proves im allowed to be angry? I think im just looking for people to tell me im normal for feeling this way. Having a bad day. Thanks for any.. help? Hope this wasnt triggering or anything, i just saw that you were nonbinary with pcos too- and yea. Okay bye

I really don't know if I'm the right person to answer this. I was already out as non-binary for years before I got my PCOS diagnosis. When they said "take these pills" I asked about the other options and they gave me none so I simply refused to take the pills. But I'm like,,, I don't super care about the negative affects of PCOS. I'm casually suicidal all the time and I'll keep living for my family but if something kills me I'm pretty alright with it. I don't really expect to live much longer than like, a handful of decades and like honestly the world is on fire so it'll probably be shorter. So like, my perspective on this is not necessarily a super healthy one? I'm fairly apathetic about my own existence.

But like, I understand your struggle here with wanting to explain the PCOS=intersex connection to your mom but knowing she'll respond poorly because she also has PCOS.

I really don't have any solid advice here. Just... I guess, consider really carefully how you want to feel in your body. If you've been enjoying the superficial changes the PCOS has done to your body with this weird little second puberty, maybe you should consider advocating for yourself a little more firmly about it. Your future health is important but so is your current comfort in your body.

[motionjames]

More of me whining incessantly! I want to say that it's not all bad, but I can't say it's all good either... ^^" uwaaahhhn...

I will keep saying "it'll be okay!" even if I dont entirely believe it.

I don't want to complain to my roomates, I'm already lying around so much, and I don't want to cry in front of my sister... In the mornings I end up crying and she looks really worried. It's not out of sadness or even pain, it's just that my body is stressed from everything so it starts up like that. Most of all I feel frustration since I cant work and my day job is about to hit a deadline. I need to pay rent, and I cant let anybody down. But I've spent most of my days with this squeezing feeling and little needles.

It's probably some kind of heart condition but my doctor (who is very nice!) is unable to find anything at the moment. I always feel like I'm wasting her time, or that I'm lying about soemthing. But I'm not lying! I have to keep reminding myself! That kind of thing isnt normal everyday! But even then, I feel like I'm lying ^^"

So the only thing I can do recently is read and write. I'm almost finished with The Moon Is Down by John Steinbeck and om sort of sad that it nearly over because I've read everything else on my shelf... I should go to the library, but going out leaves me out of breath. Ah, I still have those books I need to return. Thank goodness there arent any late fees \( ^_^)/

That leaves writing. It's hard to focus for long periods so I try to cut it up into snippets. I have two vns I'm supposed to be putting out but I've been so slow... theres a story I wanna write that's really eviscerating, but I hafta finish these first. It struck me as really funny that I write about a buncha guys with pains in their chest and now I have a pain in my chest too. Wahahaha.

Growing up I would have a stabbing feeling whenever I felt some negative emotion, it was really embarrassing. It was like an intense squeezing with a knife in the side. But it's silly to talk about because it was all psychosomatic. Even as an adult I had those. I ended up writing about that kind of feeling subconsciously because I was so embarrassed.

There was a certain incident that happened and my mood worsened all around, even now I cant sleep properly, but around that time I started getting more intense pangs without warning. I started writing something on the side very transparently about that with a young man traveling around as a hole in his chest grows and eventually kills him. I dont know if I will ever put it out but I go back to it time to time for fun. Now, I have that feeling everyday no matter the mood. I wonder if this whole time it wasnt anything psychosomatic, but actually serious? I'm so dense! Uwaaaaahhh!

So all I can do at the moment is write. Not even that much, mind you. How annoying. I'm worried my bitter feelings will spill over or that it'll come out too ugly. I don't think so... At least the stories will be fine. Ah, but my head hurts. Everything is squeezing again. I wont cry, but maybe I will, but I wont! Ahhhh! I cant become more useless than I already am! I miss everyone a lot! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

[nightfallsystem]

my main worry is how my friends would be without me and im scared if i kill myself it will uspet them but ill be honest. i dont want to go thru all that misgendering. i just cant . i cant handle this all actually. all of this sucks. i really fucking dont want to go thru this. wow i might really kill myself cuz of my mother huh ... idk i probably would hav more of a chance of living if she gendered me correctly and stood up for me but thats really hard to do apparently... im so sorry. im so sorry i hurt myself all the time. i dont know what else to do. i dont have any other plan to escape this suffering. i think htis is probabylly the only way. why does she do this to me. why. why i dont fucking get it. idk i really dont want to die but i cant take this . i think this will hurt like hell if i go through with it but with my health i might go quick.. i jst hope if i do it no one tries to save me . i really dont want my friends to be hurt either theres just so much stress... i cant beat all this man. theres so many problems so much stress everyday i go through mental agony and it wont end I JUST WANT TO STOP SUFFERING i think this is the only way ill stop suffering..

for legal or protecting myself reasons this is all rp and im not gonna actually kms :] ^_^

[cogbreath]

vent below idk what image to give to make it worth your while have geeked up spongebob sparkle

7 in the goddamn morning that family is YELLING YELLING. and by that i mean my. but i dont want to really be a part of it. not like they treat me like one anyway. really. except my mom. but when shit like this goes down im basically invisible. maybe its for the better that way. but i dunno. having to see that shit go down. really effects me still. i can enjoy watching nasty fights on reality tv and shit but this stuff isnt enjoyable. cuz like. well i live with these people and shit. whatever. point is. starts making some alters really freak out. i dont even really disagree with the ones who start feeling violent about it. if killing an abuser didnt land u in prison 4 life basically i dont think we'd even be dealing with this shit. probably cruel to say. but really whats cruel is someone who does this shit to people for 20 odd years. can i blame them at all for thinking that when we r like a caged animal who cant fidn a way out i really cant

itsnfine dont worey i wont let things come to that point. but ifnsomehow they do i guess my point that well you all know i tried ans you all know that the fucker had it coming and i will try to figure out how to fit a phone up my hole in prison ans i'll keep blogging as long as none of yall snitch

^ none of yall better act like thats something serious im being a bit funny but honestly i do think this site is pro killing your abuser more than other sites at least on the hypothetical level which helps becuse a lot of you won't disagree with us feeling that way

id love to do it but i wont because i've talked about it and alluded to it more than enough to warrant premeditation charge, and i wouldn't be able to feign innocence to hide it for the rest of my life and id always be paranoid about it so its not worth the mental weight either

i used to worry a lot that he would snap and kill me and mama

i guess it could still happen but i dont feel as scared about it as i used to.

maybe because i feel that im old enough to maybe stop it or at least be really hard to accomplish

this will all mean nothing when i forget about it mostly in a few hours

actually i'll be going to sleep in a few hours

since my schedule is literally the opposite of this family because i need time to myself

hopefully my dreams will be kind to me

i was really upset yesterday because i had a vivid dream where i was being affectionate and romantic with a guy who committed rape on me

woke up super disgusted and went back to sleep until 6 pm about it to get a better dream

does anyone on here care if i call it that if it wasnt violently penetrstive?

to me its a gross criteria plus what are you supposed to call someone who did less that that

whatever

point is i hsted the dream

all my dreams are vivid

many of them are lucid which is lovely

when they arent lucid though sometimes its awful but still its very vivid and all felt as real as life

this isnt really relevant anymore

right now i kind of feel nothing but my tummy hurts a lot

love you guys

[navire190413]

i am exhausted. i really need to stop drinking so much. i almost didnt make it into work today just because i wanted to sleep more. probably since i've been going to bed around 2 every night. i really gotta adjust my life style soon or i feel like there will be serious consequences somehow.

ive been considering giving up on x-chan. its been 4 months since we broke up, and then 3 months as "friends", where we're just doing this stupid game of ohhh we like eachother so much one week then dont like each other the next week, repeat. we met up after work yesterday and went to 神田 to go to 神田屋. idk why we even went there, x-chan hates chain izakayas. we only had one drink then decided to walk to 秋葉原。we found another chain izakaya to go to since they allow smoking at your seat. usually when we're together he always holds my hand, but he didnt reach for it at all last night, so i didnt reach for his either. i felt like, oh maybe its actually over now and we're just actually going to act like friends and not be all ラブラブ like we are most of the time. 

we left pretty early after having 2 mega lemon sours and some food. he was exhausted from work and was basically falling asleep at the table. we said bye and didnt kiss or anything. i went to my usual bar for a drink or two before going home. most of the usual people were there but i mostly just drank by myself and played with my phone. i was too exhausted and over thinking everything to even try to communicate in japanese. 

i texted x-chan while i was there saying i wanted to hold his hand earlier but didnt know if it was okay or not so i refrained. he told me its always okay and he likes when i do it, so i guess i will from now on. i also told him i still like him and after i got drunk i asked him to please tell me if he ever starts talking to a girl romantically so i can stop pursuing him out of respect for the both of them. he agreed, so i guess i should stop worrying about if he's talking to anyone until he tells me he is. 

my old drinking buddy ended up coming to the bar while i was there and we drank until 11:30, which is why im so fucking exhausted today. he's american from texas and has been in japan for less than a year. he's kind of sort of studying japanese but he hasnt really made much progress lately haha. he teaches english and is stuck in that terrible cycle. i couldnt do it. all of the people i know who are english teachers are miserable and on the verge of offing themselves. the pay is too low and their hours too long and they have weird ass fucking contracts with barely any time off. i definitely got lucky when i decided to go to language school. but also extremely lucky i had the means to save up for it and afford it. i love japan but i dont love it enough to become an english teacher just for a visa. i would absolutely move back to the states before i even considered teaching english as a job. which is why i was so panicked the entire time i was job hunting. 

im sure if i didnt come to work today it would have been fine, but i had a cold two weeks ago and something about me missing 3 days of work in a month when i just got my work visa 2 months ago doesnt sit right with me. i got ready in 10 minutes today so i could sleep in the max amount of time possible and didnt even bother with makeup. i really gotta get my shit togetherrrrrrr. x-chan also doesnt want to drink as much anymore and wants to save money, so if i stop hanging out with him as much i wont be drinking as much or spending as much money either. but if i dont hang out with him as much, he'll start hanging out with other girls! i dont think he will but my ocd is killing me. i want to give up so bad. i tried my hardest to make things right between us, but they keep going from good to bad and then from bad to good and i am frankly emotionally exhausted. he texted ME good morning today, and that made me more happy than it should have. i need to stop wasting my emotional resources on this and focus on myself. its so hard. 

i think im gonna go pray at a temple this weekend. it usually helps me clear my head and i feel like my luck usually turns around when i do. fighting the urge to look up 縁結び祈願 temples because i should pray about getting my life together, not getting back with x-chan haha. i typed this then immediately invited him to go with me.

i do the money management and accounting at my job. im still being trained on how they like their stuff organized and how to do everything the right way in japan. japan's tax system is so complicated compared to how "streamlined" it is in the states. also having to add up big amounts of money here is kind of comical. so many 0's. so. many. 0's. also dont ask me to say any number larger than 999万円 outloud because it takes me like 10 seconds to count from the end of the number and backwards to understand if its 万 or 億.

i need to go shooting soon. i have a photo series in mind, but it requires me being out all night long until like 6am, and i dont feel comfortable doing it alone since random men always approach me when im by myself so im kind of relying on my friends to go with me. i also keep blowing off my friends to hangout and try to woo x-chan. my life is a mess. i also need to study instead of drinking every night. and i need to not go to the bar as much so i can save up to move. and and and and. and i need to buy more film for my camera. and i want to play pokemon in my free time. and i need to study more japanese grammar for my job because im forgetting a lot of it now that im not going to school everyday. and and and and. i need to go to the grocery store after work today.

yesterday on my way to the station after work, there was a guy puking on the sidewalk. first thought was, okay gross? and at 5:30? kind of fucking early to be hammered… then i looked at his vomit and it was a giant amount of unchewed ramen noodles. like. so so so much. we made eye contact and that man was in PAIN. i wonder if he just overate or something instead of being drunk 😂 that image of those fucking noodles will stay with me forever.

i need to do laundry and clean my room when i get home tonight.

[nixierain]

Vent post. You don't have to read

I wanna talk about random fucked up mental shit Bruh, I've been stuck in a kinshift for like really long... There are still probably several differnt voices in my head... I wish it was ones I knew... I kinda miss the other voices back in my head from 7th grade because they were SO much nicer... Except Darkness, hes a bitch. But Death, Olive, Melody and Ruby were actually nice enough. Some of them were sadistic, but still. Speaking of sadism, I just randomly get sadistic... And like one second I'll be A ok, the next I'm a fucking mess thats spiraling... I mean I guess thats BPD for you, it still suck though OH and the "Seeing and hearing things others cant see"... They've FINALLY gotten a bit better die to my meds... But when they do come around, it seems more vivid than eariler. I mean I like the aditory ones, those are like pretty music now, but the notifactations and (rarely) voices confuse me and cause anxiety. I've alwasy had these kinds of things I guess... I remember when I was little I used to hear scratching on my window when nothing was there. UGH Everyone calls me Schizophrenic. I HATE it, sure I'm delusional as fuck and "See and hear things others cant" Shit... Forgot what I was gonna say... Well see if I can remember it

Ha, my meds are working a little too well, to the point where my depression and everything is masked to myself, underneith this fake facade I've put up, I still am depressed as fuck, it shows in my drawings and writing.

I've had two identity crisis's in the past not even a year, and I've lost touch with myself more than that, not to mention the unreality episodes. At this point, disconnecting from reality is one of my HORRIBLE coping mechanisms...

This is weird, but I'm starting to HATE summer Vacation cause its SOOO fucking boring, I dont have anything to do all day, so I'm just sitting around. Funny thing is that boredom triggers my depression and causes me to fall back into suicidal ideation and more unmotivation, and like everything.

Ugh, I'm not looking forward to high school at my district, cause middle school almost killed me...But I wont be bored hopefully and people wont harass me more... And if they do, hopefully the school will do shit about it. Ha.... Middle school sucked... Lots of trauma.. And now I have tics, it sucks. I also accedentally pushed people I loved away because of my affection styles and overclinging. I do this out of care and the fear of being abandonded. My therapist says my fear of abandonment isnt irrational, cause there are deep roots trauma that caused it, she just says that I go to extremes.

HAHAHA I'm going insane... No one will see me as the gender I identify as, or the name, I'm stuck being a girl named .... Omg this is long

I wish I could just turn off whats left of my emotions, or have better control over them.

Oh don't even get me started on my damn religion, that... thats intresting.... But I think I have a soulbond or smth with my guardian spirit (I think he's my guardian spirit) cause if someone asks a question to him, I just blurt out the answer. Though Raven's chill, he's cool and very nice, probably the second nicest entity in my room (Second to Will)

Its kinda funny though, I have a personality disorder, a mood disorder and a language/communication disorder. I'm a whole package... Just not neurodivergent. But don't worry, I'll be ok... I hope

Yeah I'm cutting myself off here