#dont think im strong enough yet but im getting there! watching videos from other people isnt so bad

[risingsunresistance]

ok AS FAR AS I CAN TELL i've replaced all the pictures i dont like so my lil bot boy is ready to go again

[torialefay]

Ooo new dorm arrangements! It made sense to me imo. Ive been a stay for a weird amount of time: started in 2019 and im on and off every other year. I usually listen to bands like ptv, sws, and bmth, uhhh... kinda the music my emo friends listened to in the early 2010s, so i end up coming and going.

Anyways, i remember watching "finding skz" and the survival show back in 2019/2020, and i think it's mentioned that when they all lived in one dorm, I.N. tends to clean up after them, but i think it was implied it was more like "maknae's chores." If my memory is still intact, I.N. everyones favorite roommate bc he's pretty organized and has good style... and he's the youngest, so they can dote on him but also boss him around lmao. Chan was the one most of them wanted to avoid rooming with purely bc he's not only organized, but he was strict on them and their leader, so he had the right to boss them around. They werent all familiar with each other on a personal level back then, just on a professional level, so it was kinda like rooming with your boss in a way lol. His tendency to go naked around the dorm and dote on them probably also contributed to that reason, but it was still really early in their career so they were reluctant to mention anything too """"scandalous"""" on camera. But yeah, those two together fit, especially now, since they've gotten to know each other a lot better and have chilled out.

Minsung together, obviously. I don't see them as clingy with each other as a lot of people seem to think. They're comfortable, secure, and read each other well. They dont necessarily need each other to live, but it's certainly much, much better together.

Changbin and Hyunjin. An emotionally aware person with a really emotional person. Changbin likes to play up his "crush" on Hyunjin for the camera, but i think he knows everyones boundaries enough to know when to reel it back. They seem to accommodate for each other and are still getting to know each other better, but then again, im not at all caught up on everything and dont know any of them personally lmao

Felix and Seungmin... for some reason, they seem both more emotionally attached yet also more emotionally distant than I see stay mentioning. The company's really pushing the "Felix is not human, he's a fairy" idea for a while now, and from an outsider's view, hes very pretty and im sure hes a very sweet person, but it looks a bit... tiring keeping that up.. and Seungmin is known for his "do what i want" attitude, especially lately with his "aiming for jyp" comments, and whatnot... idk where im going with this.... uhh ... well, i think their place is just them chilling. Just dudes being bros and getting a strong sense of being normal guys without the company rules on their image and being casual with each other. "Its not that deep until it is" vibes where they'll do the dude thing and not talk about their feelings much when they hang out, but every now and then, they'll let it all out, but its pretty rare.

you are kinda my life savor anon, coming through with all the hard-hittinf evidence to solidify my thoughts 🥺😂

i really do think the chan/i.n. dorm will work out great... other than innie having to see chris naked from time to time ig. but also, i feel like chris is kinda more respectful towards in??? idk it's just the vibe i get. and to be fair, i wishhhhh we got to see more of strict chris so bad. like when they talk ab it, i wanna see videos so bad. so if you have any recommendations, pls lmk. it's just so hard for me to picture him being scary 😭😂

oh no i agree 100%. like minho/jisung are just chilling to themselves most of the time, but i feel like they are also the type to be at their dorm and one of them is like "hey we got invited to go do xyz. do you want to go?" "not really..." and then they just smile at each other in unison bc it's easier for both to say no than just one. idk idk i feel like theyre just good for each other

oh yes, i'm firmly on team "changbin knows exactly what he's doing." like i genuinely feel so similar to changbin sometimes bc i am truly the same way, but like you can tell when it's a healthy vs unhealthy amount... and i think hyunjin likes that little bit of attention 😭😭😭 i think they're just good for each other

okay so i know felix is our sweet lil sunshine baby, but i just KNOW behind the scenes, he's way more "dude" than what his image shows. like idk if anyone has proof but i just feel it in my bones that he can be lowkey really crude & that seungmin eats that shit up. like i think seungmin probably finds it really fucking funny. bc we've all seen the clips of felix cursing... a lot. i just know seungmin is influenced by it. like 100%. seungmins "i'll fucking punch you".... yeah, those two belong together <3

editing to add: omg omg the emo and pop punk phase will also never die out for me 😭😭 we are one and the same baby. i finally got to see black veil brides a couple of years ago and it was like all of my teenage fantasies were coming true 😭😭

[moodr1ng]

watching a video on coming out narratives in media and it did make me realize ive never seen one that resembled how coming out went for me personally - where i first came out as bi to my mom to complete acceptance bordering on apathy (i mean, she had been telling me how it would be totally ok if i was a lesbian since before i knew i liked girls myself lol. it really was a case of the "i always knew" cliché) but later faced a very strong negative reaction when coming out as trans, with it taking several years for my mom to finally come around to it. when she did though - which seemed to be motivated by my psychiatrist validating my dysphoria and making it clear that this wasnt some new delusion or other mental health symptom - she eventually became extremely supportive of me and did stuff like writing angry emails berating my healthcare team for delaying my top surgery etc. also i kinda had to re-come out as bi bc i spent a few years only dating men and my mom just assumed i was gay now lol, and when one day i mentioned being bi she was like "oh youre still bi?".. AND i also had a sort of second trans coming out when telling my mom i was bigender now and not just a man, and this one i had to do twice bc her memory has been getting bad w age so she forgot the first time i told her!

while on my dads side, trying to come out as bi ended in learning that he was bi himself (even though he self-ids as straight for batshit reasons), and coming out as trans was met with "i dont really get it, but i dont care, you can do whatever you want", which was certainly a relief but also turned out to not be a particularly supportive reaction, more a lack of one. it wasnt a reticent reaction either, he just genuinely didnt care, which included him never informing himself on trans identity - like how when i started hrt after 5 years of socially transitioning my dad asked me what testosterone would do, because he hadnt ever looked it up.

thats not mentioning the various coming outs w my sisters and the rest of my family which all went in various ways (though luckily they were all positive). various members of my family have different knowledge of my identity - im bigender to my mom and my little sister but a trans man to my dad, my older sister and my maternal family, im bi to my parents and my sisters but my mom told her side of the family i was gay lol, and my other younger siblings on my dads side (who im not rly in contact with) probably think im a cis man bc theyre young enough that they were either born after i transitioned or were too young to remember it, so i do have two direct family members who presumably dont know im lgbt at all. interestingly, knowledge of my identity ended up reflecting our relationships, with the people closest to me having the most accurate picture of who i am while the farther apart we are the more vague that picture becomes, ending with the two members of my family im least close to not knowing anything at all.

maybe its in part bc i dont really go for the sort of media that tends to include coming out narratives that much, but i dont think ive seen stories that resemble any of these experiences. yet ik im far from the only lgbt person with weird or kind of comedic or messy coming out stories..

[apricotgojo]

yo.. I saw the request that you posted today? IT WAS SO FUCKING GOOD WHAT THE HELL? and I looked for the prompt and ended up finding it , Can you do a part 2 where the news reporter lady gets akumatized again finds the video that she was looking for? where y/n's crazy mafia father threatens to kill her now abusive ex boyfriend because he cheated on her but she was so blindly loyal and didn't want anybody to find out? like because that would be embarrassing but instead y/n didn't know (1)

HELLO! so I didn’t really understand the request well but i wrote this out and i’m planning on making another part related to this! so here it is! thank you for this request im so happy that you liked the first one.  Speaking of which, if you haven’t read the first one here it is!  Part One

The other part will be posted soon ;)) 

Strawberries, sunshine and Adrien Agreste on a red picnic blanket.

Life is so serene, so perfect at this moment. Especially with the blond resting his head on your lap as you run your fingers through his soft blond locks. He hummed and smiled softly. You noticed his cheeks were tinted red because of the time he spent in the sunshine. He’s gorgeous.

You pick up a strawberry from the plate and pop it in your mouth, the sweet juice bursting and dripping from the corner of your lips. Before you could react you felt a hand move to your face and wipe the substance with the thumb. You look down and see Adrien looking at you, his green eyes glistening and full of life. You couldn’t help but move down and kiss him softly on the lips. It was a slow, tender kiss which you didn’t want to pull away from but you did in order to catch your breath.

“Ma Belle,” Adrien whispers, moving a lock of your hair behind your ear. “How do you feel about coming to a film festival with me tonight?” “Film festival? You need to elaborate on that babe.” You say quirking your eyebrow up. You’ve never been to a film festival before, you didn’t even know what happened there. Fuck, you’ve never even been to a movie theatre before because you basically have a whole private theatre in your house.

He furrows his eyebrows at you and chuckles. “Basically once a year the students organise a film festival on school campus. Students get to show their own short films and projects that they’ve done while we sit on the grass with snacks and drinks. It’s really fun.” He explains.

It really seemed like fun but you end up looking down. You knew that after last time’s event some people still thought of you as a bitch. People still whispered behind your back and they still judged you. Other than that reason, your father was coming home tonight from Madrid and you were going to ask Adrien to come with you to meet him for the first time.

“What’s wrong? Don’t you want you come?” He asks you and you look at him, a slight frown on his face. “Alya is going to present her film today and I told her we’d come..” He continues and looks to the side.

“No, no I do !” You say quickly and sigh, “My dad is coming tonight and I was going to ask you to meet him.” You say, averting your eyes to the side.

You feel him stiffen up. “Oh.” He says.

“But I can tell him that we can meet for brunch tomorrow instead.” You say and hold his hand. “I know you’re nervous about meeting him but I just want my two favorite boys to finally meet.” You say and give him a small smile.

 He softly chuckles and grabs your hand, kissing it. “Of course mon ange.”

You giggle and hug him. It made you happy that he was willing to come. He knew it would make you happy.

“What should I wear for the festival? I don’t want to be under-dressed.” You say suddenly pulling away, already thinking about the outfits you want to wear.

“I think I’d worry about you being over dressed instead.” He laughs a little bit and you playfully hit him on the shoulder.

  “Nadja, if you don’t get me any scoop on them by tonight you’re fired.”

“Fired?!” Najda exclaims getting out of her chair. She watches as her boss raises a questioning eyebrow at her and she clears her throat.

“But madam, I can’t-“

“By tonight Nadja.” Her boss urges sternly, causing the red-head to gulp.

She nods slowly and keeps her head down as she walks out of the office.

Rage started eating her up from the inside. She needed to do something. Anything.

  “Hey girl!” Alya closes you in a tight hug and hands you a red solo cup filled with juice which was already spiked with some type of liquor.

“Hey Alya.” You smile at her and give each other a friendly kiss on the cheek. “Are you nervous?” You ask her.

“No..” She scoffs and suddenly downs her drink, laughing nervously. “Okay maybe just a little bit.” She says quietly and it causes you to laugh.

“I’m sure that your film is amazing.” You reassure her.

“Thank you.” She says warmly. She looks you up and down. “You always love dressing up dont you?” She raises an eyebrow at you.

“I told her that it’s going to be causal.” Adrien sighs and you roll your eyes playfully.

“This is as casual as I can get.” You state and arrange the beret on your head, smiling proudly.

 The two laugh and you feel Adrien kiss your cheek and sliding his arm around your shoulder.

“Marinette and Nino saved you guys a place up front, I’ll be joining you guys a little later.” She explains and nods over to where Marinette and Nino were sitting. You see them waving at you guys.

“Okay we’ll see you later then.” Adrien says and you both start walking away from her.

There they were, the whispers, the eyes all on you as you walk past the people. Adrien felt it too, you knew he did, that’s why his grip on you was tighter but it was also somewhat comforting.

“Allô!” Marinette says and giggles while she hugs you both. You could tell that she’s already had a few too many to drink You all sit down and start talking about what’s going to happen tonight, what films are expected to show and what you thought Alyas film is going to consist of.

You sip your drink slowly. This shit was strong but you didn’t mind it.

“Alya’s film is going to be the best.” Nino says proudly and confidently. “She’s been working super hard on it non-stop.”

You smiled at him. The way he talked about her with his adoring eyes - you could just tell that what they had was real. It reminded you of You and Adrien. Maybe you two weren’t there yet but the way he looks at you was the same.

“Luka’s coming later because he got held up at his gig.” Marinette groans and sprawls herself out on the blanket, her phone resting on her chest.

“are you and Luka getting serious?” Adrien asks, grinning at her.

She hums and nods. “I really like him.”

“I’m happy for you Marinette, you guys look really cute together.” You say and she sits up quickly.

“You think?” She asks, batting her eyelashes at you. You nod, grinning. “yay!” She exclaims and hugs you unexpectedly.

“Okay I think that Mari has had enough of this.” Nino says and takes away her drink, chuckling.

The atmosphere was amazing. People drinking, laughing and chatting all around you guys.

  Everything died down when the screen in front of you turned on and everyone started cheering.

Alya quickly joined you guys and you all greeted her again quietly as you clapped for opening of the first film.

It was a love story between an alien and a human which formed because of their mutual love of French toast. Weird ass story-line but it was beautifully filmed for some reason. You could tell it was amateur but the shots and the beauty of the movie as the human and the alien shared their first bite of French toast really immersed you into it.

“those berries look so good im going to bust a nut.” You hear Nino whisper and Alya hushes him, earning a snicker from Adrien.

“I wish someone would eat me like that French toast.” Marinette blurts out and you clasp a hand over your mouth trying not to laugh.

As the film showed the ending credits the creator got up from where he was sitting and everyone cheered, whistled and clapped for him.

“Isn’t it Alyas turn now?” Adrien asks and Alya nodded taking a deep breath in.

Nino squeezed her hand and kissed her cheek. “Everyone’s going to love it babe.”

Everyone got quiet as it started.

Two people were sitting on the roof,

“It’s the end of the world isn’t it?” the character says and before the other person could respond, the screen went pitch black.

Everyone started whispering to each other in confusion and you looked over at Alya as she furrowed her eyebrows.

The screen turned on again but it was a different setting.

Two men were now sitting at a large table, one with a cigar between his lips and the other in front of him. Both of them were wearing a suit.

“Mother fucker.” The man says as he lights his cigar.

“What the fuck? This isn’t what I filmed.” You heard Alya whisper.

You were confused as to what was happening but you were too focused on the film in front of you. The man with the cigar came into view even more. He looked famillar.

“You can’t kill him.” The other man says.

“he cheated on her, Johnny!” the guy with the cigar shouts and hits his hand on the table.

Wait. Holy shit, that was your dad.

“He cheated on her and she still went back to him.” He blows out smoke and looks to the side. Disgust evident on his face. “I thought I raised her better than that, I guess she’s stupid just like her mother.”

A picture of you on his desk was shown in view.

You were visibly shaking, your mouth dry. You heard people around you ask you questions but you couldn’t hear anything. You couldn’t even react.

Your father pulls out a gun and clicks it. “I’m killing that bastard tonight, pay off a few people to make it seem like a car accident and we’re going to Paris. Just her and me. I’ve got too many problems with my junkie wife and I don’t want an ignorant daughter too.”

Tears stream down your face. It wasn’t a car accident. Your father killed him. That’s how Trevor died. Trevor cheated on you with one of your best friends back In New York but you never left him because you never wanted people to find out that someone cheated on you, you had too much pride for that.

You get up from where you were sitting and run away, ignoring the murmurs of people and gasps as the film continued. You felt like you were going to throw up, you felt like everything around you has been all a big fat lie. You heard Adrien call out your name but you kept running away until you froze when you heard a familiar evil laugh.

You turn around and see the villain from last time again. but this time it she was holding your father In her arms while he’s passed out.

“Finally! I got it!”

People started to scream and you simply fell down to your knees. Too weak to move. Too weak to do anything.

Your heart was shattered.

Flashbacks come back to you at Trevors funeral. You were sobbing as you watched them bringing out his casket. Little did you know that your own father was the reason for his death.

You were broken.

[queenofwerewolves]

Future Hope

chapter one - Where it all began.

We all thought the new decade would be a new fresh start, a new beginning for humanity, we were all so excited for the the arrival of 2020... and it's unknown horrors that we awaited along with it.

it started with just jokes and memes, the virus wasnt affecting us, it didnt seem like a big deal. Then it reached Italy, then the United States. In a span of three months, the entire world changed and was affected by COVID-19. Then it happened.. the attack and sudden uprising of those who had privilege, but didnt know of it's power..

it started with the Black Lives Matter Protests, but it got worst, so unhumaningly worse. People around the country and the world tried to help and stop this evil, but it wasnt enough to stop them. The White Suprimacy.

Death, despair, anguish, loss for hope... What has the world come to?

Even after two years of the incident, in the year of 2022, the same horrors from before was still going on. No one could stop them, those who tried were imprisioned or now buried six feet under, people gave up, they lost hope... Until a new reason for that hope arrived.

It started as a friendship group. Eight people of different kinds, intetrests and hobbies brought together by a common interest, which soon grew into an unbreakable bond, sharing pictures or tagging one another with a funny meme attached to it, simple acts but filled with love.. Until this group almost lost a member.

A fight was happening while she was visiting a store, it was between a simple teen wearing a pride shirt and a middle aged man, bickering and arguing issued, but no one expected the man to pull out a gun and attempt to shoot the kid... Only to miss, and shoot the beloved group friend...

She was texting her friends while it happened, only for them to not hear anything for weeks... But she finally replied, after weeks in the hospital, recovering from the shot. One of the members couldnt have it anymore, and kindly asked for everyone to create a Discord account so they could all see how their wounded friend was doing. Everyone agreed, and surprised her with a call.

Maria was her name, and she couldnt be more delighted about the surprise..

"Yo! Yooo Bitch can you see us?!" Shouted one friend from their call

"For fuck's sake Spike the woman was shot and you have to call her a bitch?!" Rudely replied another friend, who's background was dark and gloomy and had far too many halloween decorations.

Maria laughed softly. "It's OK Spooks.. Wow.. I cant believe Im seeing you all.. Just wished it wasnt at the hospital through a videochat..." She said with a soft smile.

"It is truly a concerning situation we've been dragged into.. but it brings me joy to see you alive and well Maria" Said another friend, looking a little too-well dressed in the call

"Im guessing Griff begged you all to make a Discord huh..?" Maria said, looking at the video box of young man with a concerned yet and embarrassed look.

"Queen... We were so worried..." He answered, slightly choked up. "We thought you were a goner.. When you finally texted back I..I just had to see you..!"

Queen. A nickname she never thought someone would ever call her, hell it was a title that she didnt even deserve. Until she met Griff, which started to call her that, and her other friends jumped along, she always loved that nickname.. Made her feel special...

"Seeing you all together... All for me... It makes me want to cry.. But we dont have time for me getting emocional" Maria answered, suddenly stern

"Why is that Queen? Something going on?" Answered another friend, who was sucking on a lollipop during the call, such the sweet tooth she is.

Maria smiled. "No Muffin.. I simply have a proposal for you all.. And I hope you all are in with me...Because Im getting pretty sick of the way things are in this shit world.."

And so was born a new hope, a group of fighters that are indignified about the way things are, and how they almost took their friend away.

After healing completly at the hospital, they all met in person for the first time. Maria told them that they way they are now wont be enough to make a change to the world, but she knew how to fix that. After a small walk through the woods in the park, they came through a gated area, which Maria crawled under a broken spot of the gate and the others followed, doing the same.

"Long ago" Maria started speaking. "After I moved here, I decided to explore around this park for fun. That's when I found this abandoned gate and went through the same broken piece of wall of the gate we all came through, I believe that's here can help us become better then we already are."

Spike, chewing a piece of gum sneered at her comment. "Oh sure, what is it? A wishing well?"

"Well..." She answered as they came to a stop.

In front of them was a perfectly clean, almost sparkling fountain with clean crystal water still working and flowing out of an angel's vase. The fountain was too bright and shiny, it sure as hell didnt match the rest of the area's gloomy and dark visuals..

"It's a wishing fountain!" Maria spouted out, smiling wide. But the rest werent as.. cheery as she was.

"A fucking... wishing fountain?" Spike answered. "You expect me to believe that's a real wishing fountain? If that's true then why dont you wish for this shit world to become better?"

"I tried!" Maria answered "Apperently it doesnt make big wishes like that, it only makes wishes about yourself or something very small. Like wishing your room to be clean kind of small"

"I mean.. It kinda has that magic aesthetic, I mean, that thing is impeccably clean while the rest is covered in dirt?" Kip answered, glancing at the fountain.

"I know it sounds silly but it really works, I actually did my wish already!" Maria said smiling wide

"Bullshit" Spike answered "You aint a fucking Werewolf, what makes you think we believe you actually wished to be one?"

".. Cause I didnt wished to be a Werewolf..?" Maria answered, dumbfounded. "I always said that I LIKE Werewolves, but I never wanted to be one. I wished to be good at using a scythe and knife throwing, like exceptionally good ya know?" She said excitedly. "And before you answer, YES I do have a scythe, I bought one. Dont ask where."

"So... who goes first?" The smollest of the group, Rook, asked.

"I'll go" Said Griff, pulling out a coin before Maria stopped in this tracks. "This.. Doesnt accept coins" Maria said, seeming a bit worried.

"Then what?" Griff answered back, only to shocked when Maria answered "Blood".

Before Spike could throw a fit, Maria cut him. "Just a drop! Literally! I got a needle here with me, all you gotta do is prick your hand and let the drip fall after you make a wish."

"Let's just get on with it before Spike goes crazy again" Said Blink, the tallest of the group and the one to deal with Spike's bullcrap

Griff took Maria's needle and stood in front of the fountain...And said outloud his wish..

At first he whispered his wish, as if he didnt want anyone to hear it.

"Uh.. It has to be out loud or it wont work Griff." Maria said.

"I-I said.. I wish to be a strong, masculine and really beefy Wererabbit that's really manly and buffed up!!" he shouted with a tone of embarrassment in his voice.

"A Werebunny.. Griffy?" Said Maria in disbelief. "What?! It's co- ow!!" Without looking, he pricked his hand with the needle, and let the drop of blood fall into the fountain's water, mixing along with it. The fountain suddenly shined so brightly that everyone had to cover their eyes for a brief moment before it died out.

Then.. Silence.

"... So.. Now wh-AHCK!!!" Shouted Griff, hit with a sudden shot of pain throughout his body, which made him fall on his knees as everyone backed away from him. They watched in horror as not only he grew almost three times his size, but he got much fuzzier, his ears stretched into rabbit ears, his muscles swelled and bubbled as they grew bigger, his body shifted painfully into a hybrid between man and rabbit. When he finally finished, he just collapsed on the floor, panting exaustedly.

His friends were inicially shocked, until Maria snapped out of it and rushed to his side, placing a hand on his head. "Griffy? You OK..?"

He answered, in a much gruffer, deeper voice.. "Yeah.. Yeah Im good.."

"Jesus.. It worked.. Can you stand?" She asked. Griff nodded as he slowly got up and almost knocked his head on a tree branch from how tall he was now. Everyone was looking up at him, jaws dropped in shock and awe, until..

"HOLY SHIT YOU'RE NAKED!!!" Rook shouted as she covered her eyes, running in place "MY EYES!! THEY BURN!!!"

"We.. better finish these wishes quick and get you some pants." Maria added, Griff simply nodded as he covered himself embarrassed.

One by one they did their wishes. Becoming who they wanted to be to fufill their purpose with Maria.

Spike wished for strong arm strenght, fast stamina and an aluminum bat that never breaks, and can destroy almost anything. Blink asked for a sword, the ability to parkour and jump from building to building like some kind of vigilante. Kip asked to be part cat for the heck of it and that whatever she draws will become a reality. Muffin asked to be a fairy, to bring joy because she isnt a fighter. Togekiss asked for high I.Q, the ability to see simulations of possibilities in the future and telekenisis and teleportation. Spooks asked to be like an Underworld Goddess, with the power to summon shadows and have the darkness on her command, and finally, Rook asked to be part bird and a wizard with elemental nature, and musical spells,to honour her beloved Lammy, she also wished to have a split personality to be like her favorite character, ENA.

And so the team was ready, and soon they would make a change to the world, the revolution has begun, it was time to shine..

For a Future Hope.

[maknaesdancersrappers]

july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver. 

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left. 

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever. 

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

[uiruu]

one problem with my exposure to korean being mostly from kpop (and related content like variety shows and reality shows and vlogs) and things like duolingo is that i have no idea how to swear in korean. 

i know what some korean swears are, or really just the big one tbh (basically the stand-in for “fuck” or “fuckin”), but idk how to actually use it. and any number of other curse words too, like... at least people who pick up a bit of japanese comprehension from anime get exposed to things like that lmao.... or people who pick up like any european language from any european media... and certainly people who pick up english from english language media, especially american, are exposed to a fuckton of swears cause we swear so much that it’s essentially devalued the swear words, leaving them more or less filler words and colloquial slang used by everyone instead of words that hold a lot of weight and power.... 

but korean media is scrubbed very clean of all that stuff, and i understand why. hallyu (the “korean wave��) is one of korea’s biggest cultural exports, and the government has really made a super strong effort to promote it and cultivate it. they really wanna make it look good. i dont think thats necessarily wrong or shady of them, because i think the korean people and language are good, i think every culture and language are good. it’s not like korea is a massive superpower running a gigantic state propaganda program or whatever, they’re a country with a history of being subjected to colonization and war and i think it makes sense for them to want to promote and cultivate some art. 

i also think there’s way more artistry and creativity in kpop than people give it credit too, because sure the money from the government is just so that kpop can be sort of a propaganda and increase korea’s status globally, but the people who actually make the songs, make the outfits, make the stages, make the music videos, train incredibly hard to master their craft of dancing singing and performing, etc... like... a lot of legitimate hard work goes into this stuff. even if you dont like the music or music videos or things like that conceptually, you have to admit that a lot of the stuff is very elaborate, and people put a lot of themselves into that stuff. so i dont think its some straightforward “kpop is just propaganda made to make korea look good” thing, i think it’s just creative people being creative, and it’s the CEOs and politicians who make money from it all who want it to be propaganda. i think the performers and designers and musicians who get involved do so because they want to do their thing, first and foremost.

but yeah, one side effect of that is the fact that kpop idols have to watch what they say. it’s not that different from a lot of media in english, and an american celebrity isnt allowed to swear when they go on certain shows. but at least in that case, there are a lot of other avenues where that celebrity is allowed to swear (or talk about sex, politics, drugs, any number of other topics like that. im just using swearing as an example). korea doesnt have as much of that, and partially that’s because a lot of korean media is made with korea’s reputation to the rest of the world in mind, but another factor is that korea is just a lot smaller than a lot of people realize. kpop seems huge, and there are definitely a lot of people involved in it, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s pretty small. there are probably less than 100 currently active kpop groups who are relevant (sustaining themselves, have a decent enough fanbase, not in danger of disbanding) at any given time, and even that might honestly be a generous estimation, depending on your criteria for those things. the disparity between the top groups and the smallest groups is massive, and yet a lot the members of the top group might be friends with the members of the smallest group, because they live and work and went to one of the two or three schools of performing arts in seoul, and maybe some were trainees together at a company, or they met backstage at a music show, or any number of things like that. compare that to the american music industry... even just within a single genre, you would not be able to list all the currently active and relevant artists. it’s just too big. 

this got kind of off topic, but it’s all a single train of thought, really. i’m just thinking about why it is that i’ve never really encountered the word for “penis” despite having been learning korean steadily for almost two years. i know what it is, but only because i’ve looked it up. that’s just kinda the reality of the situation, for better or worse.

[tslasvegas]

Episode 4: “I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty.” - Keegan

Dan and JAKE! A WORD IN MY OFFICE PLEASE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.

Wow! Today was A Day to say the least. I feel like boo boo the fool with how things went down today, but hopefully, I can recover from that now that there’s a new tribe. I’m excited to get to know new people, but sad to see my old alliances have to come to an end. I guess we’ll see what happens

Finally a swap and golly 5 OG Palazzo! I really hope this works in our favor. Kinda nervous for Joey and Stephanie tho because now they are in the minority of their tribe. I do hope they’ll find a way to survive till merge

LMFAO IM... watching the tribal council for the other tribe and I'm SORRY??? Who the fuck is Jake S he is the most condescending man I've ever seen in my entire life YIKES. Anyways this swap is nice.. I think I've got a good group, I really hope we win the next few immunities because I 1) really dont want to see Rachael on this tribe and 2) i want to try and rebuild my um. tattered relationships. I did the best I could in the challenge for tonight, I'll try to come back tomorrow a little more renewed cus I'm kinda wiped out from today's events. Now that my tribal council cherry has been popped for this Org its time to go crazy woop

So good not to check Luxor anymore! 

Well last tribal went fine, I got to see what was in the Prize Vault which is awesome; now I have a better idea of the twist. Big problem though- Our swap put me in the minority. I was running Luxor and had a core 4, now they have 5 OG Pink so they can pluck us off, one at a time. I went from drivers seat to getting driven over. We need to win the challenge, so I'm gonna go ham in winterbells and hope to pull it out.

We swapped! I think I made a confessional already, but honestly I don't remember. I gave Livingston some of my chips so he can go visit the vault after the immunity challenge. We'll see what is in there and for how much, and maybe snatch up some real nice items to help us out. I've also got Andrew on my side, which is great and he's apparently quite tight with Pat, which is fantastic. Mo is a pretty decent dude and I've been talking with Jake a lot today. Things are going alright. I just hope we can win this challenge. 

Phew, while the swap was not ideal. I was really liking my tribe, we were kind of quiet but individually everyone was great and we also kicked butt at challenges! Anyway, the swap with numbers wise not great, but I know Xavi from a previous game and we have a solid relationship, I hope he and John and Joey and myself can build a solid squad to make it to the merge. The challenge was rough tbh, I am not great at video games, but I think I did ok... Jaiden got like 20 trillion points on a game so really I have no idea how I did. Hoping for the best!

I am losing my mind in my personal life so I am sorry that I have been mia. I appreciate the patience from the hosts and my tribe. It makes me still want to play even though I've been kinda invisible. I'm aware of that. I'll fix it. I promise. Otherwise, its been pretty good as a tribe so far. Andrew, Pat, and NIk and i are all really close from other games, so we're good and Andrew and Pat and I are together, which is just really unfair if you ask me. I can't wait to start scheming!

Uhhhhhh.................................... anyways........ yall hear somethin? Oh I hear something. It's the sound of Joey literally blowing himself up to me hardcore!!!! The narcissism and arrogance really jumped out on this one. So Joey had the idea of calling tonight to go over some stuff and honestly out of the 2 hours we spent, I think about 45-60 mins of it was rather nice and I do feel that I enjoy his presence, but omg... his desire for control is so noticeable and its kinda gross. Joey and I debriefed on what went down on Bellagio and I totally understand why there was the difference in us discussing tribe dynamics - I had to give up all my info while he kinda kept things more reserved. I want to assume this is because of the fact that I went to tribal and he hasn't until now. I won't judge him for that. However, after this he's kinda like dictating the fact that an OG Bellagio needs to go home. Ben is the easier person to throw under the bus since he didn't even bother to do the challenge/let us know what's up. Not a big fan of that, but aight. Then Joey starts suggesting we vote out Kailyn...?? Uh... not on my watch. I have to make it up to Kailyn at least a little bit so even though she's probably got a loaded gun pointed at my head rn, I want to defuse the situation rather than start throwing her out there as a potential target. Even if it isn't coming from me, I'm not here for that. The information that Joey did give up to me relates to the chips in the game. I've never paid much attention to the chips, but I guess it takes 10 to get into the vault and Joey's got between 11 and 15 (he changed his answer on the subject SEVERAL times). He says there are three idols worth 40 chips each, then a super idol worth I think 50 or 60 (can't remember). On top of that, there are nullifiers, vote advantages, and a legacy advantage, too. He seems fixated on the legacy advantage and really wants the chips to get it. Like.. ok do you but we NEED the super idol?? Does he not realize that thing has more power than anything else in the vault combined..? ANYWAYS. What really started to turn me off about Joey is that there was this sudden expectation that I'd be giving him all of my chips thus far. I don't care about them to begin with but knowing what I know now, it doesn't make sense for me to give him my stash just to fuel his hunt for... a measly legacy advantage... I put myself in a compromising position. I told him that once a host gets back to me on my exact total, I'd be willing to trade him my chips for I guess an allyship going forward. I mean that. I want to work with Joey at least through this vote, but I can't guarantee that it'll go much further than that. He is a very risky person for my game right now because if he's coming off this strong to everybody, it's only going to hurt me by association to stick with him longer than a vote or two. However, I'm going to try and divert the attention and just be like, maybe we need to use my five as a bartering piece for new allies at this point. I want to try and build meaningful partnerships right now, especially since that was the only reason I wanted to make it to the merge.. Rebuilding is crucial as well. Kailyn and possibly Nik/Rachael are not going to be fond of me once we all have "the talk" about last tribal. I put myself in an even more compromising position with them, but I'll find my way out of that mess. I think........ As far as this tribe goes, I think between Joey's WILD imagination/constant over-analyzing and the lack of direction this tribe has taken so far.. I'm doing okay. Nobody is really standing out besides Joey and I guess myself in a way, so if I keep him around it MIGHT even shrink my own target little by little - unless people find out we're together then FUK. 

......five seconds later

In terms of my other relationships right now, I love John Coffey but this is old news, I've been in love with this man since like 2016 and it's fine - totally fine - just fangirling a bit rn since I get to spend more time with him!! woohoo. Xavier and Stephanie are straight up non-entities which makes me SO scared of them especially since Stephanie's won an ORG before... how can someone be so irrelevant yet still win something? Hmm... Makes me think that she's secretly a ninja, you never even see her around. Nik has grown more and more quiet as the days go along and I wonder what's goin' on with that. Maybe they've decided since Biden won the election that moving to New Zealand is a bad idea? Lmfao. I dunno. Nik stresses me the hell out because I have no idea what they're thinking at any point in time even in the off-chance that we are talking. I think I might just have a personality they don't mesh with because I noticed on call forever ago that none of my jokes were particularly landing but Nik had a lot to say and a LOT to joke about there... rip. If it's a personality conflict - go off, I guess. I'll try on a couple different hats w this person to try and see if I can get things to go better than they have been. Kailyn.. like I said before, pretty sure she's after me but I am really trying to sell it to her that I like her a lot, because I do. I literally compare her to my best friend irl because they have very similar attributes and I consider Kailyn kinda messy but fun and quirky like my BFF so I hope that Kailyn did truly appreciate me making that comparison. Ben's inability to do this challenge is going to be his undoing. I think the only acceptable move is to vote him off this time because I HAVE to prove to Kailyn that I can stay the course, and I also need to whittle down Bellagio numbers to prevent people from targeting us and having everything go to shit that way. Let Joey control this, please dear god. Don't let me get blood on my hands. Let Rachael integrate herself well on this tribe. Let someone else blow themselves up in the process. Just not me plz and thanks. There is no fear in my soul tonight. Joey might be a fucking crackhead but so am I. I'm breaking down walls that I didn't think existed but Joey basically told me tonight that he thought I was confrontational, rude, chaotic, and all these other things but was impressed at how calm, optimistic, and outgoing I was. Love to hear it. He might think he overestimated me but he was right about the initial impressions... too bad he won't be around long enough to see that side of me :~) 

FIRSTLY, DeNara was robbed. Okay so I already wrote this a while ago in my host chat about how the fact jake and dan are praying for my downfall because after the swap i am the only og bellagio on a tribe with 5 palazzo and 2 luxor. so after I slowly blinked at my screen for a bit I was like okay how do we survive this if I go to tribal. Because I’m under the impression tribes are gonna stick together especially going into merge but since Luxor is already down so many members it’s kinda Bellagio Vs. Palazzo. but then I was like okay wait I’m the only member of bellagio on this tribe after coming from a tribal so I’m the only one who can say what happened and I can create what narrative I want to help me get through the next couple rounds. Because if I was like oh blah blah I was in majority im so fucked then of course they’re gonna target me to get me out. But if I play the victim card and milk the fact that I voted in the minority acting like I hate my og tribe maybe they’ll think to use me as a pawn. To take down others moving forward. Listen if I have to be labeled a goat to move forward then BAA bitch.

.....five seconds later

Things are going good, because not only am no longer in danger this round but that means Rachael is going to the enemy tribe which if she came to our tribe that might’ve disrupted the narrative I had going of me being against og bellagio. Also DeNara should still be here, don’t think I didn’t clock the fact that Ben scored a 0. I also found out from Andrew that Rachael and Ben are apart of the same Tengaged group which explains why Rachael was so set on Ben staying but like, listen, if I end up in a game with someone I’m friends with, and they’re not active and helping the tribe. Good riddance.

What the. We lost yet again. I have lost everything since the start of the game. It's crazy. There are 4 from Bellagio, 2 Palazzo and 2 Luxor. 2+2 seems like an obvious plan, but it looks like it is falling apart already (read: Joey). Sucks to be across the world, so instead of scheming, I'll be sleeping.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. is the same as I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty. 

The swap did happen. Expected it. Glad we won this first challenge in this new tribe tho in worried for Stephanie and Joey

Vault Shenanigans - Holy shit I did not expect this to be as powerful as it is. I was preparing myself for some sort of payment based search system, but being able to straight up buy the items I want, but its also the same for other people. I had a misconception at how generous the wheel was so I'm probably behind some people with the amount of chips, but I could very well start scooping up some of the steal votes and just say "see ya" to the idols, although getting a super idol would be very wild, it still seems risky to hold out that long to get it, even though there's a great amount of power associated with it. The other issue with a super idol is that I think that its very likely that if I get into a position where I need to use it, that I lose a lot of respect with the jury if it does happen. The only benefit from actually having it would be that I no longer have to worry about someone else whipping it out, so it'd be less for me wanting it, but more for others not having it. As of now, I think my optimal play is to hold on to my chips until around ~40, and then buy both vote steals at once, OR go all out for the super if someone has already bought an idol by that point, because I would be operating under the assumption that the frontrunner is already out of the running. Tribe Swap Shenanigans - This is a hell of a tribe swap. 5-2-1 is always a great spot to be in, I am already good within the 5 that I have so I don't have to worry about anything there, it should be relatively smooth sailing as far as getting to the merge. Mo/Jake are alright so far, neither particularly speak too much. Kevin has not reached out at all, probably will try to talk to him tonight for general purposes, even if he seems like he'd be an easy one to get out first should we go to tribal the next time. But generally I really don't plan on losing so it's kind of a wash. I'll take the smooth sailing, easy path to merge. Premerge is never as relevant as merge is when it comes to FTC as long as you have something to show for yourself at the merge. I've got all game to make my presence known, and I plan on using the entirety of the game to do so.

I feel super anxious today because even though I had a great conversation and built a good connection to Joey, there hasn't been any talk about the vote quite yet. I mean obviously names have rolled out but nothing solid is out there still, I think I just need to let go of the urgency for a name to start being spread early on and just let things be. Stephanie and I have been chatting a bit here and there today so I feel more comfortable with her and hopefully she sees things from a similar perspective as everyone else - the Bellagio foursome needs to get broken up right now. As long as it's not my name of course!!!!! Plz vote Ben @everyone. Or Kailyn tbh save me a little bit of trouble now. Talking to Xavier is SO HARD LMAO. He doesn't immediately contribute information into a conversation and as bad as I wanna get rid of Ben, I almost..almost think going for Xavier is the smarter move, since Xavier doesn't seem too motivated to actually get to know ME and work with me. I'm selfish that way. Kailyn doesn't seem like she wants to do Ben which is a little frustrating but I totally get it, if Ben stays he's going to go after her hardcore but like she needs to actually pitch me an alternative lmfao. I don't wanna go bending over backwards just to appease her right now so if she doesn't gimme a name.. sorry sis but then I think it's gonna be Joey's call on this one :/

I am being very cautious now. The 4 of us (me, John, Joey and Steph) are going to vote together. Now Jaiden wants to vote Nik. And Kailyn wants to vote Ben. Why can't we just agree on one?! And it always has to go down to the wire. Stick together, people!

I think I am possibly leading the charge against Nik rn?? Joey told me he wanted Ben and then I told him I wanted Nik and now he wants Nik LOL take that Stephen 

Okay well I have no idea what's going to happen tonight, but I'm going into tribal not afraid of the vote I am probably going to have to make ... I think the best move is to just vote for Nik and be done with it, but it's going to cause a serious rift in a lot of my relationships if I do so. I've been super wishy-washy to a lot of people I think and right now it doesn't make sense to continuously do one thing when I mean another.. especially since there seems to be zero ground to move upon when it comes to getting the vote to turn from Nik to Ben. Nik doesn't even SEEM ACTIVE?? Why are we making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Ben can't just walk around deciding what's going on and I think Kailyn would prefer to keep Nik around rather than Ben but it's like... so push for Ben to be the target hun! She's feeding into someone else's move no matter what she does, it's either Ben's agenda or John's agenda. Pick a side, but pick the side I'm on, too. Why don't we just vote for Kailyn tbh. lmao

[midoriyaizukustan-inactive]

thinkin about how badly it would hurt if uraraka was the traitor....im thinking she has to get dragged into it when she moves into her new apartment but before the entrance exam like that small window of time

and like shes just pressured into it and she doesnt realize just how fucked its gonna get so she thinks she can handle it on her own. since she knows she cant just fight a group of villains outright, since shes not strong enough or technically legally allowed to (no provisional license yet), she goes along with it for the moment.

but then the usj happens and her favorite hero almost got killed, along with her classmates and teachers, and she realizes no, no, she doesnt want to do this anymore.

but shes in too deep and the league know that as well as her. theres no way she’d be able to stay at ua if they found out (and the league would definitely make sure ua knew she was a spy if she tried to get out) and how could she provide for her parents that way?? no other hero school would ever take her. would she even be a free person? would she go to jail? so shes forced to stay. she cant help the tiny voice in her head insisting there must be another option, though.

every day she feels worse and worse because her loyalty to her friends and her loyalty to her family are sending her in two different directions and she feels like an awful person and maybe she is but dammit shes trying.

aoyama asks her if she’s crushing on midoriya, and for a fleeting moment, she panics, wonders, what if i am?

but then, as she watches him struggle with bakugou, as she watches him win despite the lack of cooperation his partner gave him, she realizes, no, i dont have a crush on deku.

i just wish i could be strong like him.

and then the training camp gets attacked. she knew it would happen but not when or why. shes scared as shit that toga is gonna blow her cover when she runs into her with tsu, but that doesnt happen (thankfully)(?).

she cant get the scream midoriya lets out when bakugou gets taken out of her head.

then all might fights all for one (she tries not to blame herself for his retirement afterward, but thoughts screaming at her that he was only there to rescue bakugou -- a kidnapping she had a part in -- wont leave her alone). bakugou gets rescued.

she watches it all go down on live television and shes so excited and scared and so many feelings are pooling in her stomach and adrenaline and ice are running through her veins- but all she knows when she sees the tiny video clip of midoriya and iida (along with kirishima) blast out to save bakugou is that she’ll never be a hero, or a good person. not like them, at least.

she feels sick to her stomach all the time and she convinces herself its just from the training with her quirk in preparation for the provisional license exam, but she knows better. she just doesnt acknowledge it besides the lingering shame every time she consciously thinks “im gonna throw up” outside of training.

and as she watches midoriya tear up a bit and bashfully explain how it took many people helping him to get here, and that he’s glad he can prove to them that their investments in him werent in vain, she smiles at him but knows that she’ll never be like him no matter how much she tries. she knows the investments that people have made in her -- that her parents, that her friends have made in her -- are going to be fruitless.

she tries to be proud of herself for getting her own license, but any shreds of happiness she tries to latch on to nowadays pop like bubbles in her hands -- that is, if she can reach said bubbles before they drift away from her grasp.

she tries not to be jealous of midoriya. it’s just that hes everything she wishes she could be.

honest, kind, determined.

selfless.

heroic.

[survivorbehemoth]

Episode 15: "congrats daisy for winning season 7 of celestial: behemoth!” - Jules

congrats daisy for winning season 7 of celestial: behemoth!

________________________________________________________________

JIOFEOJIFEWOJIWOJI THAT SOUNDS SO BITTER BUT DYLAN SIR U HANDED HER THE GAME! HANDED IT TO HER! GOD! and its what she deserves!

________________________________________________________________

anyways. let it be known this was NOT MY FAULT.

________________________________________________________________

let the record show, before last night's tribal, I SAID SOMETHING WAS NOT SITTING RIGHT WITH MY SPIRIT!!!!!!!!!! AND???? what happened. look what happened.

Vocaroo

Vocaroo 2

Video

Vocaroo

Vocaroo 2

Vocaroo 3

Video

________________________________________________________________

still practicing my slide puzzles WJIJIEFIJWJIFIFWJEJWIEEJWIF

OH MY GOD I HATE THIS GAME I HATE THIS GAME I HATE THIS GAME!!!

this final 4 is absolutely amazing and i literally love all of them so much, but that just makes things 10x worse. i think that playing my idol on daisy was a huge risk and the fact that it is now a final 2 makes things a bit more interesting. my ideal plan was to have daisy in the final 4 with me so that i wouldnt be the next target, but now that she won immunity it just didnt work out how i intended at all!!

voting out jules and szymon is purely going to come down to which one of them will sway my way and it's going to hurt to send one of them to jury no matter what, but i just feel like i came all this way and not making top 3 would just suck so badly. so yeah, this sucks. i hate that no matter what i do im going to be upsetting people and hurting feelings but... i guess that's just the game! at this point im not even sure if i can win against daisy but it seems like she will take me, it just depends on whether or not i stay loyal to her if i win FIC or if i take whoever is with me in final 3.

much to think about, BUT I JUST CANT BELIEVE I MADE IT THIS FAR !!!!

Video

________________________________________________________________

Jules is voted out 3-1. She becomes the 8th member of our jury.

Watch the Cast Assessment take place below:

Video

Video

Vocaroo

Video

________________________________________________________________

Szymon is voted out by Daisy. He becomes the final member of our jury.

Video

idk thought this would be cute to include my voting log and stuff hehe <3 https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1RiA0RUWX4TRpqBTgRzLJJ3fHu2jBqZ-bCJozFd3HcRs/edit?usp=sharing

Jules: https://youtu.be/6zKeJuOJKeY 

https://youtu.be/5dV_-X6Rv2U

https://youtu.be/N5tnq-4QAT8

someone (zach) asked me to rank the jurors from nicest to meanest...so here we go. ily all <3 <3

1. seamus (this will def come as a surprise, but seamus was the most levelheaded and nice one on the jury. he really never made a bitter comment even though he had every right to, especially at me/daisy/dylan and really anyone who was in after him except chips. like. he was the only person to reach out in pms after and it was immediate, he really comforted me and i really admire men who can have like good relationship w/ women that are platonic??? i know he's been like terrible in the past and i did call him on some stuff in hydravivor and ill be the FIRST to admit that i called him a crackhead on a daily basis but i think he's grown a lot!!!!!! idk. i think he's also the MOST self aware!!!! im a seamus stan, what about it?)

2. brandan (while brandan was kinda irrelevant game wise this season -- but not in our hearts -- he was very objective and a peacemaker. he had good reason to be MIA too so the fact that he got as far as he did means to me that he did form some strong social connections. and he did!!! with me, i think w/ conor, so idk, he had a role like i did in the game imo. i really liked him and he really brought a fresh perspective on things!!!)

3. szymon (he's only not ranked higher bc he's pissed off rob and he stands his ground a lot more outwardly than the first two, at least in the jury chat. also he's not had as much time as a juror. but even then, i think szymon is not a bad guy like some of the ppl make him out to be. like, idk, i think he made a mistake on a game level and he even admitted it and idk he's a legend. truly. im so glad to have met him and i think he was a really nice juror to have around while he was ACTUALLY around bc he stood up for me/daisy the way seamus did)

4. lovelis (lovelis makes some pointed comments but.....he's not dumb at all and so i don't think he's been bitter. also his pointed comments have been funny and mostly radiating the energy of the other Bitter Jurors so idk. i really like him on a personal level as well and have for a while so idk. i dont KNOW KNOW him but he's never been the type to make harsh comments without them having some merit to them. so i kinda trust his judgement even though he wasnt in the game long/an early merge boot. idk i think he's open minded enough and he's also someone who admits when he's done a Lil Too Much but he's really lovely. just competitive.)

5. chips (i dont think chips is MEAN per se, in fact, i dont think he has a mean bone in his body on a personal level. like WFIJFJIFWE I DONT KNOW HOW ELSE TO SAY IT HES SO FUCKING NICE!!!!!!! but thats why it's so funny to see him in games bc he's a lil lying, a lil backstabby and sometimes he's a lil passive aggressive. but its not undeserved. its also a pisces thing WEFJIEIEJWEFJIWEF i think what i saw in the jury house was sometimes chips going along w/ things, but i dont know, i really do not know much about chips game and ill probs ask him more afterwards?? but idk he was REALLY nice to me tho so FWIJFWEWFIFW i just dont trust him in games.......i dont know whats on his mind half of the time......)

I WANNA SAY FOR THE NEXT 3 MEN THEYRE HEAVILY INFLUENCED BY THEIR FIRE SIGN PLACEMENTS SO while i know some of them do hold resentment, its a lot easier to deal with and work with and with all 3 of them we've talked it out with/are going to talk it out. only #8 has been the MOST stubborn but idk imma let him do his thing & try not to pass too much judgement u know cause i dont need to waste my braincells on that

6. conor (knowing conor's astrological placements makes this make sense to me. but i wanna say that i think he's the type of leo to like be upfront, get it out, vent, and be fine? which is why i respect him a lot and i think we do have a mutual respect for each other. some of the comments he made were kinda rude tho and him fake liking astrology for social game was SO UGLY TO ME!!!! like i'll clown him for it for as long as i know him now cause....JOKE'S ON HIM!!!!!!! WJOEFWEOWEFO but that was kinda mean but def conor's come around and seen the light / has also reached out to me to talk. he's also admitted he left a mean speech in sbbb9 and regretted it so i think he might just shoot off at the mouth a bit. but BETTER THE DEVIL U KNOW THAN THE ONE U DONT and i appreciate the transparency NOW as opposed to the fakeness of him saying he liked astrology for social game. THIS IS A HILL I WILL DIE ON!!!!! im a fan of leos tho and he's a leo moon like me. so. i think we'll be fine. )

7. rob (i actually really REALLY like rob on a personal level but i really do not know if i could play another game with him, at least survivor, id be open to playing bb. i think ill say that the best thing about rob is that he's also apologized, was one of the first to when i confronted them all, me and him have a good personal relationship tbh!! but some of the game comments he made were p harsh and he's definitely a lil bitter but again, he's admitted it, i think while he's more up front -- i dont think i ever wanna be on his bad side in a game. EVER!!! cause we didnt even have any loyalty to each other in the game but he was SO harsh on my game like it was wild bc i dont think id ever be that harsh to ANY OF THEM ABOUT THEIR GAMES LIKE THAT???? anyways. its fine bc again he's apologized and he's owned it but PHEW he got a lil bit of a sharp tongue. really eloquent tho!!!!!!!!!!! love hearing him speak)

8. gage (last but least the southern belle himself................this man an aries and i dont know his other signs but him being an aries man is enough. they POP OFF!!!!!! a lot of times there's some truth to it, sure, but sometimes they just be popping off and FOR WHAT!!!!! i do understand gage's frustrations though but even he apologized for being too mean in HIS FUTURE FUCKING CONFESSIONALSSSSSSSS TO MEEEEEE so. idk. he's got an issue with letting things go in games and miss annajane calls him on a lot of BS and it does NOT seem to really knock him down but. gage is really wht u see is what u get, doesnt really own his faults but at least u kinda know where ur at w/ him. but he's still probs the meanest one in there but i do understand from a game level why he was so fucked up about it, especially after hearing FTC. its just that. i understand his position. BUT HE NEEDS TO TAKE A XANAX SOMETIMES I S2G GAGE I WILL GIVE YOU ONE!!! girl it is NOT that serious!!!!!!)

also forgot to mention that i admitted to gage that chris from s1 was NOT actually my brother and his jaw was on the floor <3 I GOT TO DO ONE TROLL THING RIGHT!!!!!! rip me/seamus' showmance serious!!!!!!)

okay just to add onto my last confessional -- the songs i think represent me best from this playlist game wise are: - perfect for you - punchin' bag - stayin' alive - flip - femme fatale/future nostalgia (for the girls alliance that never was....rip but also me/daisy at merge vibes) - X - the shortchange - TAKE ME AS I AM!!!!! THAT SONG IS THE ONE THATS BECOME MY SONG!!!! for this game especially!!!!! - over yet (the lyrics literally speak for themselves) - tough on myself (sorry for stealing ur song vincent) - seven devils - villains pt. 1 (i dont think i was a villain but i did stuff in this game that i usually dont and would consider villainous for myself FEWIWFEJIFEW i was in my feelings!) - passion & pain taste the same when i'm weak (me coming into the jury house and realizing they'd all snatched my wig w/ the edges and the glue.....i DID cry to this song for at least 2 hours! yes i did! WIFJWJIWEIJE) - tar ('under the stars -- pull yourself from the tar'. at the end of the day, this season was fucking stacked and there wasn't one person who was a bad player at all. at all.stars, if you will. i was under a lot of stars and from all the breakdowns in my game to me actually breaking down -- i GOTTA PULL MYSELF FROM THE TAR!!!! learn!! grow!! be better!!)

TOP 5 (not 'perfect for you'): - punchin' bag - take me as i am - over yet - tough on myself - tar

good for my whole journey imo!! the last 3!!! okay this is my ACTUAL last confessional okay thank u for everything!!! bye!!!

https://youtu.be/T5wRzWwlOp8

and here's my personal playlist for the org: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2E8KGCo1SrBgoJIQ9DycfM?si=96PWq-6ERCyisacQr3zPww

it is literally an hour and a half until the winner reveal and i really just have no idea what's going to happen. like in the back of mind i just have a feeling that im losing bc, yeah you know self-deprecation woo! but yeah idk i think i really gave this game my all and while i dont think i played it flawlessly, i still think i played a strong game i can be proud of :,)

having it be a live final tribal for my first ever like, jury questioning was just--- ugh wild but i actually think it went really well. just based on what people were saying it definitely seemed as if some of the jurors didnt really want to see me and daisy at the end or like, really werent consider voting for me but i think i was definitely able to sway some people who were willing to listen and definitely gave some of the jurors something to think about. so whether or not i win i do think that i had a really great final tribal performance, maybe it was even enough to sway enough people into giving me their vote?? WHO'S TO SAY

anyways this has been such a wild experience and it's surreal to think that it's ending in like, a little over an hour but no matter what happens i can say confidently that i will be able to look back on this season fondly and will be leaving it with my head held high bc I REALLY DID THIS LIKE!!! I REALLY MADE IT TO THE END!! WOW I STILL CANT GET OVER IT HAHAHA!! but yeah bye forever <33

Rob’s Last Video:  https://youtu.be/X3krxxfJ3oo

________________________________________________________________

Daisy wins in a 7-2 vote!

[thewritingstar]

Ah well were all at home better ask all 200 questions g, don't really know much about u

200 QUESTIONS???? ALRIGHT HERE YA GO. 

hope you enjoy me spending an hour answering all of these :) 

200: My crush’s name is: N/A 199: I was born in: 2000 198: I am really: nice 197: My cellphone company is: idk 196: My eye color is: Hazel, can turn dark brown or light green sometimes 195: My shoe size is: 8 194: My ring size is: 7 I think 193: My height is: 5′3 192: I am allergic to: penicillin  191: My 1st car was: Toyota  190: My 1st job was: Baskin Robbins  189: Last book you read: Suicide Notes (highly recommend)  188: My bed is: galaxy bedding and is currently on the floor in my bed fram cause my friends broke it... 187: My pet: Black cockapoo and a white cockapoo named Abby and Molly 186: My best friend: is a hoe 185: My favorite shampoo is: herbal essence color me happy  184: Xbox or ps3: I perfer Wii, Wii U or Nintendo switch  183: Piggy banks are: cute, Mine is a ducktales cup  182: In my pockets: nothing rn 181: On my calendar: nothing rn 180: Marriage is: a good thing but not a necessity for a happy life 179: Spongebob can: get it  178: My mom: is a queen  177: The last three songs I bought were? i only buy cds for my car so: Lover, Hozier, Blink 182 176: Last YouTube video watched: The Office deleted scenes 175: How many cousins do you have? 8 but I only see four of them and two of them are adults with kids so i consider them more of aunt and uncle figures 174: Do you have any siblings? One older sister  173: Are your parents divorced? Nope  172: Are you taller than your mom? Nope 171: Do you play an instrument? Nope 170: What did you do yesterday? Sat on ass and watched youtube 

[ I Believe In ] 169: Love at first sight: ye why not 168: Luck: yes  167: Fate: yes 166: Yourself: kinda 165: Aliens: yes 164: Heaven: mmmm yes i guess 163: Hell: yes 162: God: uhhhhh yes and no, kinda indifferent 161: Horoscopes: yep 160: Soul mates: yesss 159: Ghosts: ye 158: Gay Marriage: WHO THE FUCK DOESNT BELIEVE IN THISS?? ITS REAL  157: War: think it does more harm than good 156: Orbs: ye 155: Magic: ye i wanna be a wizard 

[ This or That ] 154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs 153: Drunk or High: drunk, i dont do drugs and i dont drink yet but ill prob get drunk  152: Phone or Online: oo i use both but Online i guess 151: Red heads or Black haired: Black hair 150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes 149: Hot or cold: HOT 148: Summer or winter: Summer 147: Autumn or Spring: Both 146: Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla  145: Night or Day: Day 144: Oranges or Apples: Oranges 143: Curly or Straight hair: I have straight hair but curly hair is also beautiful 142: McDonalds or Burger King: BURGER KING..I HATE MCDONALDS 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: MILK 140: Mac or PC: Pc 139: Flip flops or high heals:...High heels prob 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: SWEET AND POOR, IM ALREADY UGLY 137: Coke or Pepsi: NEITHER 136: Hillary or Obama: obama  135: Burried or cremated: cremated 134: Singing or Dancing: love both but maybe dancing rn 133: Coach or Chanel: Coach  132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: idk who they are 131: Small town or Big city: Big city, i grew up in a small town 130: Wal-Mart or Target: TARGET 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Adam 128: Manicure or Pedicure: Mani 127: East Coast or West Coast: West Coast 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas  125: Chocolate or Flowers: Chocolate 124: Disney or Six Flags: DISNEY  123: Yankees or Red Sox: eww sports 

[ Here’s What I Think About ] 122: War:....does more harm than good  121: George Bush:....dont know enough to say but im pretty sure he was an awful human  120: Gay Marriage: It should just be called marriage, just because you’re gay doesnt make it any less or any more, its equal to other marriages  119: The presidential election: 118: Abortion: Pro Choice, no one has the right to tell someone what to do with their body 117: MySpace: i never used it cause i was too young but i bet it was lit 116: Reality TV: its funny af  115: Parents: are nice if they care about their child but if they are abusive or horrible then they dont deserve respect  114: Back stabbers: should be stabbed  113: Ebay: its nice  112: Facebook: full of idiots and boomers  111: Work: a scam  110: My Neighbors: they fine 109: Gas Prices: A SCAM 108: Designer Clothes: a nice but really $200 for socks, no mama 107: College: SHOULD BE FREE 106: Sports: fun but no one needs to make that much money for throwing a ball 105: My family: i like them 104: The future: is wild and idk at this point 

[ Last time I ] 103: Hugged someone: my mom like a few days ago 102: Last time you ate: at 11 today! 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile:  100: Cried in front of someone: my mom after i yelled at her 99: Went to a movie theater: i saw Onward when we were allowed outside 98: Took a vacation: went to disneyland last October  97: Swam in a pool: like almost two years sadly  96: Changed a diaper: when i was like 8  95: Got my nails done: never got them done because my mom wouldnt take me cause i was a ‘tom boy’  94: Went to a wedding: never  93: Broke a bone: when i was three, my big toe 92: Got a piercing: my nose in January  91: Broke the law: i guess i sped the other day  90: Texted: literally as im doing this 

[ MISC ] 89: Who makes you laugh the most: my friend 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: the silence of being alone 87: The last movie I saw: Princess and the Frog 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Moving for college 85: The thing im not looking forward to:  84: People call me: Deanna (real name), Dean, Star (what yall call me) ton of others 83: The most difficult thing to do is: idk  82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never 81: My zodiac sign is: Aries 80: The first person i talked to today was:  79: First time you had a crush: Ive had  78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: my best friends 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: my friends over ft  76: Right now I am talking to: no one 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully being an animator  74: I have/will get a job: at disney  73: Tomorrow: doing nothing 72: Today: doing nothing  71: Next Summer: hopefully not on quarantine  70: Next Weekend: nothing special  69: I have these pets: 2 doggos 68: The worst sound in the world: ICE SCRAPING OR MOUTH BREATHING 67: The person that makes me cry the most is:  66: People that make you happy: my friends 65: Last time I cried: few days ago  64: My friends are: my world 63: My computer is: a Dell  62: My School: is a community college  61: My Car: it goes 60: I lose all respect for people who: are bigots, dehumanize people, republicans  59: The movie I cried at was: Onward had me sobbing  58: Your hair color is: Brown rn 57: TV shows you watch: theres too many 56: Favorite web site: tumblr or youtube 55: Your dream vacation: every disney park  54: The worst pain I was ever in was: i think when i cut my finger or when i went to the hospital for my chest  53: How do you like your steak cooked: Medium rare  52: My room is: disney themed and my safe zone 51: My favorite celebrity is: Tara Strong  50: Where would you like to be: Disneyland 49: Do you want children: ehh maybe  48: Ever been in love: nope 47: Who’s your best friend: my neighbor that ive known since i was 4 46: More guy friends or girl friends: more girl 45: One thing that makes you feel great is: making cake  44: One person that you wish you could see right now: my cousin 43: Do you have a 5 year plan: not really  42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: ye 41: Have you pre-named your children: kinda 40: Last person I got mad at: my mom 39: I would like to move to: La 38: I wish I was a professional: animator

[ My Favorites ] 37: Candy: Kitkat 36: Vehicle: Cars 35: President: 34: State visited: California, Nevada, Texas, Hawaii,  33: Cellphone provider: 32: Athlete: n/a 31: Actor: Colin O'Donoghue 30: Actress: Lana Parrilla 29: Singer: Joe Jonas, Taylor Swift  28: Band: Big Time Rush 27: Clothing store: Hot topic, Ross,  26: Grocery store: Safeway  25: TV show: Once Upon A Time or PPG  24: Movie: Princess and the Frog and Ratatouille  23: Website: tumblr  22: Animal: elephant  21: Theme park: disneyland  20: Holiday: Halloween  19: Sport to watch: hockey  18: Sport to play:..i do not play  17: Magazine: i dont read mags  16: Book: Kingdom Keepers  15: Day of the week: Friday  14: Beach: one i went to in Hawaii  13: Concert attended: Jonas Brothers  12: Thing to cook: chowmein and strawberry shortcake  11: Food: Chowmein  10: Restaurant: my fav Chinese restaurant  9: Radio station: I don’t listen to the radio  8: Yankee candle scent: Vanilla  7: Perfume: Vanilla  6: Flower: Rose or Larkspur  5: Color: Black or blue  4: Talk show host: umm i dont watch many but i guess Jimmy Fallon  3: Comedian: Jaboukie Young-White or John Mulaney  2: Dog breed: Pomeranian  1: Did you answer all these truthfully? ye 

[no-other-words]

later is now

synopsis: two years worth of photos on Hinata’s Instagram and not a word from kageyama. you’d think after an entire high school career spent with the most sociable human on earth, he would’ve pick up some communication skills but here he is—sitting alone in the locker room crouched over his phone, brooding over the fact he can’t even press ‘like’ on a harmless picture, let alone comment. #major manga spoilers ahead #post chapter 370 #slight angst? and fluff? #pre-relationship

Don’t be dramatic, dumbass. You’re making it sound like I died.

‘then where have u been? where did u fuck off to kageyama?

---

His thumb hover dangerously close over the heart sign, frozen in mid-air just like how he’s been frozen in time for the past years. There’s a calm before the storm until the nerves eventually get to Kageyama and his hand recoils as if the photo he’s staring at is a violent wake up call.

Hinata’s gotten a bit more tanned from the last time he posted a picture. Darker around the arms and legs, it highlights the toned muscles developed over the years. He’s got an even larger presence than the one Kageyama holds onto in his memories. Still the same smile though—vibrant, bigger than life, and nothing held back.

It makes his chest hurt.

The photo is of Hinata posing on a beach alongside a fellow volleyball player. He’s wearing a sleeveless tank and Kageyama finds himself staring at the biceps bared to the world. His account is private right? It better be private. Thirsty messages should not be welcomed in the comments.

He hears his name being called from outside the locker room. It’s time for practice.

Stolen moments are just that—fleeting minutes playing catch-up with Hinata picture by picture. Then, it’s back to reality and the court in front of him.

In the end, Kageyama decides on doing nothing and shuts off his phone. He pockets it in the jacket, his last name printed gloriously over the V.League team’s red and white jersey.

Two years’ worth of photos on Hinata’s Instagram and nothing from Kageyama.

You’d think after an entire high school career spent with the most sociable human on Earth, Kageyama would’ve pick up some communication skills but here he is—sitting alone in the locker room crouched over his phone, brooding over the fact he can’t even press ‘Like’ on a harmless picture, let alone comment.

Pathetic.

---

Thinking back, he should have said something. They were once partners for god’s sake, and now they might as well be strangers from the gap Kageyama’s unwittingly carved between them.

His last interaction with Hinata from the chat box, when Kageyama follows him on Instagram a few months after he’s landed in Brazil. He’d been immediately DM’d, Hinata calling him out for being late on the social media game.

‘ur now a part of a professional team! u need to make ur presence known or ur fans will be real sad’

Kageyama hadn’t responded.

He hasn’t done anything, in fact. No messages, no likes, no comments, no replies. The only thing that holds to his account is a profile picture of a Mikasa volleyball on the old Karasuno jersey. He’s here to play volleyball on the national stage, his game can speak for him.

By the time he’s realized his mistake, Kageyama finds himself frequently checking Hinata’s Instagram page and revisiting old posts. That—he’s allowed to do, no? And it’s an impressive curation—hundreds of photos narrating his two years stay in Brazil. Two years’ worth of change, growth, learning, and memories that Hinata’s making.

Two years without him.

Kageyama finds it hard to keep up sometimes. Following his life in the form of mere pictures and captions doesn’t really fill the void.

---

The only wisp of connection he has to his old team is through Tsukishima—the salty bastard of all people. When the blonde messages him though, Kageyama is already aware.

For the first time, Hinata has posted a video. It’s short—capturing only a few seconds but those seconds are enough. The pants Hinata wears are tight and moves enticingly with his quads. They bend, expand, and hup—from the sands, Hinata soars above the net, his wings in the form of haloed sun-rays, and passes the volleyball to his spiker.

Hinata has learned to set. And what a beautiful set it is.

Kageyama smirks. Nothing less from a starved crow.

He re-watches several times, unable to let go of the breath he’s been holding. If he does, the magic will go away. Something tightens in his chest. It spreads and grabs hold of his stomach and twists and turns and evolves into a fierce wanting.

Tsukishima’s text repeats in his head.

Looks like he’s aiming for FIVB World Cup. Maybe you’ll see him in the next Olympics?

He watches the video again. Memorizes the form of Hinata’s jump, the curve of his spine, the reach from his arms. His hair floats airily in a poof orange cloud, his lips slightly opened in concentration.

Alluring in every possible way.

This time, he doesn’t hold back. kageyama.t leaves a heart on the post along with a simple comment.

You can do better.

---

‘kageyama? omg zombie-yama has resurfaced from the dead!’

‘both a like AND a comment? wow did i do to deserve this? has hell frozen over?’

The twelve-hour difference between them has never had an impact for Kageyama. They don’t even talk anymore so what’s it to him if he misses a few instant messages from the person he’s been silently following (stalking) online since forever?

Apparently, a great deal.

It’s already 11PM in Brazil, Kageyama impatiently notes. He should know better than to wait until it’s a better time for Hinata. But like a landslide racing towards the end, the compulsive words are typed and sent before he knows it.

Don’t be dramatic, dumbass. You’re making it sound like I died.

‘then where have u been?’

Kageyama almost drops his phone, not expecting the quick turnaround from Hinata. His heart beats annoyingly loud and it’s the only thing he hears in the room.

Why are you still awake? Isn’t it late over there?

‘i cant sleep. u know how i am. a ghost from my past decided to come back to life’

The sad thing is he’s right. Kageyama knows him all too well. He swallows the hard lump in his throat.

‘dont u dare ignore me. where did u fuck off to kageyama?’

He also knows Hinata rarely gets mad. This is one of those rare times. His head starts to buzz.

Nowhere. Volleyball’s been keeping me busy.

‘too busy to talk to a friend?’

His breathing quickens in short and shallow bursts. Questions, fears, and doubts swell into his mind and he needs to look away from the screen for a bit. Calm down—Hinata has all the right to call him out.

Maybe it’s a mistake to like his post.

No. Hinata deserves that and way more.

Maybe that’s why he should’ve reached out earlier. Ease it in. He should’ve responded to that first message.

He should’ve done a lot of things.

‘dont ignore me. ur not a coward.’

Kageyama stares at Hinata’s words. Damn him for always being right, for pulling him back. For saying things as is and pushing him to further ends.

I don’t know what to say.

‘well ur in luck. u can practice whatever u need to say with me soon. can u pick me up from the airport this weekend?’

What

‘im coming home for a visit. plane arrives at 4:30pm jst. terminal 1’

Home. He likes the sound of that.

Why me?

‘y not? my fam’s out of town and u owe it to me.’

Sneaky little turd.

Kageyama bites off a smile.

Fine.                                                            

‘come prepared. u and i have a score to settle’

You and I. Him and Hinata. Sounds familiar.

Sounds fitting.

---

When they meet, every memory made at Karasuno comes rushing like a giant wave riding the high winds.

First year nationals when they suffered a defeat with Hinata off-court. Hinata’s struggles in the academics and Kageyama’s equally abominable grades. Their makeshift practices during lunch on the school rooftop and late-night snack runs after training. Second year’s expected yet satisfying loss to Dateko and a hard-won third place in third year. The utter thrill of the orange court, the intensity of the game. The fleeting glances, the accidental touches.

The implicit words. Unspoken feelings.

The unequivocal promise after a splendid receive from Kageyama’s serve.

See you later.

Hinata unabashedly marches up to Kageyama, suitcase in tow, and punches Kageyama hard on the chest.

He expects it just as much.

The shorter man doesn’t pull back, instead spreads his hand wide and presses against Kageyama’ body. In the middle of a large, well air-conditioned airport, the spot where Hinata’s touching him is blazing hot.

“Damn it,” Hinata hisses through his pout, “you’re still bigger than me.”

Kageyama snorts. Figures he’d say something stupid first.

He’s stumped at what to do next. Two full years of going radio-silent on the man (man, not boy anymore) has him doubting again. What’s acceptable, what’s appropriate, what’s allowed?

He starts to open his arms and Hinata jumps into him instantly, strong arms over his shoulder and his face buried in the crevice of Kageyama’s neck.

A fresh whiff of his hair and Kageyama softens. Things are…alright. A void is being filled.

Hinata’s voice is muffled against his neck, absolute yet frail. “I missed you.”

He did too.

“I’m still mad at you.”

“I know.”

“We have a lot of things to iron out.”

Kageyama gulps. “Okay.”

“Kageyama?” Hinata pulls back, determination flashing in his eyes. “It’s later.”

He still remembers that perfect form Hinata had embodied on the other side of the court, meeting him halfway in both passion for the sport and a knowing smile.

See you later!

Someone probably has already recognized him as a member of a V.League club, but he doesn’t care. Tightening his hold around Hinata, feeling the defined muscles hot under his grasp, Kageyama lays his forehead on Hinata’s shoulder in an act of release.

“Yeah, later is now.”

---

a/n: because the way i cope with the recent chapter is creating headcanons and writing them out

[fipindustries]

my experience with my gender and my sexuality

because i think it is about fucking time i talk about this somewhere. this is a cheerful post, intimate sure, way too oversharing, certainly, but i like to think of it as joyous sharing because i feel like i can finally talk about this stuff freely and gosh ive been keeping so many things on the inside and now i just want to shout them to the world, consequences be damned

for years i have fantasized about becoming a woman. i will say it here now: i want to be a woman, i want to try it, i want to know what is like to look like one, to dress like one, to be called one, to be treated as one. if after a while i get bored of it, or tired or figure out its not my true self, or it just doesnt fit me for whatever reason then i reserve the right to back off and try something else. but for now this is my state of being and im going to share the story of how i got here.

my earliest memories of dealing with this confusion are about me reading a magazine talking about trans issues and me watching the movie “ma vie en rose” and “boys dont cry”. i was too young perhaps to be exposed to these ideas in such a candid and direct way. perhaps not mature enough to fully process or understand what i had seen, to the point that for most of my childhood i had this irrational fear that i would become a woman when i hit puberty. that my dick would just shrink into a vagina, that i would start growing tits, that i would get pregnant, etc.

i was a very unmasculine child, i didnt like sports, in fact i didnt like most typically boyish stuff. i thought muscles where gross, i thought violence and fighting was scary. i thought most boys played too rough for my taste. i was meek, shy, and a huge nerd. but i also had a strange rejection for most girly stuff. it was too soft and frilly and silly and pink and yucky. on top of all that, my understanding of trans people was mostly shaped then by drag queens and outrageous transvestites whose aesthetic, to this day, i find garish, over the top and unpleasant to look at. sorry, is just not something i identify with.

during this time i started to engage in all sorts of strange games as a child. i would start trying on my sister’s panties or my mom’s panties in the shower. i would created these elaborate scenarios where i would have all the stuffed toys in my room “kidnap” me, force me to give birth to them and then breast feed them.

cartoon shows that dealt with themes of gender bending held a powerful fascination to me, i particularly remember the fairly odd parents episode “the boy who would be queen”. i had this strange sense of love-hate relationship with it and anything on that topic where i just couldnt help to be obssessed with it but at the same time feel like it was illicit or transgressive for me to watch it.

then i hit puberty and a light switch went off. where instead of being scared or unnerved by those ideas i just kept obssessing more and more over them. i started googling everything i could about gender bending, about gynecomastia, about how to grow breasts with certain herbs or supplements. it was specifically on the breasts that i was fixated, i kept promissing myself that i would get them no matter what.

at the same time on the outside i was more than comfortable presenting myself as a boy, a geeky boy sure, but a boy all the same. i liked wearing high waisted pants, tucked in shirt and tie. i liked having short hair. i fantasized about growing a mustache. what’s more i definetly identified as a boy. i went to an all boy’s high school where we were taught stereotipicaly male things like working with heavy machinery, welding, general workshop engeneering stuff and i enjoyed all of it. i was still a huge outcast and not the manliest person but back then i figured it was because i was just a huge nerd.

i had no rejection of my body or the changes it was going through, i grew hair, limbs, genitals, etc and didnt thought much of it that i can recall, beyond a vague sense of not wanting to look too adult because it made me look too much like my dad, with whom i never had the best of relationships. beyond that socially i was a boy and had no issues fitting there.

i masturbated a lot, and a lot of those fantasies involved gender bending. usually boys growing breasts, boys being subjected to forced feminization, etc. there were other fantasies but those dont have a lot of bearing on the subject at hand. one of the things that excited me the most back then was to call myself a woman. to insist over and over that i was a girl. like the feeling that i was brainwashing myself into femminity was a huge turn on (this is why for the longest time i was convinced i was an autogynephile, and honestly, jury’s still out on that account). then, as soon as i finished i would quickly tell myself “im not a woman” as a strange way of “no homo” myself from my fantasies. i was still doing ocassional crossdressing whenever i was alone at home with my mom’s clothes, again, usually for the purposes of masturbation

i have been attracted to girls for the large majority of my life, it wouldnt be until college that i would experiment with boys too and found that i could enjoy that as well, but my main interest has always been consistently girls. yet a lot of the time my attraction towards girls would come from a place of envy. of apreciating how pretty they looked and wishing i could look that pretty myself. once i started college most of these fantasies came with me, i kept researching about gender bending and about ways i could try to gender bend myself. some times it was because of fetishistic reasons but a lot of the time was because i just found the subject inherently fascinating. it was like this that i came across a lot of information about trans people, back in like 2011 and when i first started to really understand them as a community and grapple with concepts such a gender dysphoria and such. back then i reached the conclussion that while i understood and sympathized with trans women, i was just a crossdresser because i didnt experience gender dysphoria and because i had never experienced anything even close to the feeling of “being a woman on the inside”.

what was more, it was around this time that identity politics really started to get traction, things like “die cis scum”, “yes all men”, “white men tears” etc started to be thrown around and, as someone who had been identifying as male for his entire life, i felt personally attacked by most of it. an immature reaction on hindsight, but a reaction that cemented in my mind the idea that i was a man and there were no buts or ifs about it.

i kept crossdressing, i kept fantasizing, i kept fetishizing. i even experiemented with auto hypnosis because i was realizing more and more that i was never going to be able to truly make my fantasy about becoming a woman real so was was willing to try anything that would get me even close to it. i cross dressed because i liked the way i looked, i liked the way the clothes felt against my skin, i liked the feeling of trying on a different role, one that was forbidden to me. as time went on i stated doing it less and less because of the sexual gratification and more for its own sake.

then the crisis came.

i wrote about this before, i saw a bunch of people i knew coming out of the closet at an advanced age, people like jacob chapman, the wachowsky sisters, even reading about the story of how allison bechdel. the idea of someone figuring out their identity way into their adulthood shattered my world view and it introduced me the possibility that i might be in the same situation, which led me to panic. all the crossdressing, the fascination with gender bending and with trans issues were strongly suggestive if nothing else, but back then i was just not ready at all to confront those possibilities so i supressed like a mad man.

three years later, here i am. during those three years i slowly and gradually came to grips the possibility, slowly losing my fear of what i might lose if i came out of the closet, slowly examining my self and comparing my story with the story of others in the community. finding differences but also finding a lot of similarities. for the longest time my trans ex girlfriend would insist that i was very much not trans because a lot of my experiences were very different from hers, such as the fact that i never had issues inhabiting the rol of a boy whereas her dysphoria had been strong enough to the point of suicidal tendencies for most of her life.

one of my biggest concerns had always been the fact that i had heard from many trans people that their dysphoria hadnt really kicked in until after they started transitioning. as in, once they started trying to look like women then they realized how far away they were from truly being one, making what until then had been a vague feeling of discomfort into a true rejection of their own body. but then on the other hand there was also the real possibility that i would end up having a mental breakdown once i hit my fifties after years of repression and by that point i would look like just an old man in a wig

i think what finally made me tip over the edge were the contra points videos and the reddit community egg_irl. i just identified too much with what i saw there, and breaking up with my gf had left me free to explore those feelings without fear of ruining my relationship. so where does that leave me?

still confused, but no longer scared of the answers. willing to give this and honest go and see where it takes me. im still not ready to call myself a trans girl with all the letters. i understand that gender is complicated but i would really appreciate a unified theory of gender to help me make heads or tails of what i am and what i am feeling beyond vague notions about “the spectrum” and “social roles”. i guess i could be considered gender fluid as of right now but honestly that label doesnt mean that much to me on a practical sense considering i am still presenting my self as a boy in my every day life with one or two exceptions

i have a lot of work ahead of me and for once i am excited about doing it right.

[01010010-posts]

— my white sighs quietly melted with the stars above.

it all started with a simple ‘you’re a slowpoke??’ text and it should have ended there, really, but you got a reply immediately after. ‘I’m sorry, I think you have the wrong person’. absolutely no, you scoffed, as if you were going to be tricked again ‘bitch don’t play the wrong number card because you didn’t catch the bus’. he was amused by your obstinacy and lightly worried about the supposed receiver, who, it appeared, was very clumsy; ‘please, control the number you texted, I’m Connor.’ boy he sure was. not your pal, not someone else in your contact list, just.... Connor. ‘god, i apologize!! thank you for telling me! ps. didn’t mean to call you a bitch, connor’ and it should have ended there, really, but you got a reply. connor: shouldn’t you be in bed by now? you: but,,,, i wanted to chat with u a little more connor: as an android sleep is not required but you, as a human, need to rest. we can always continue talking tomorrow. you: :( what if you have a long case tomorrow?? mh?? what if?? what you’re gonna say in your defense then?? connor: don’t worry :) I’ll find time for you. you: ok you win goodnight ☆ connor: sweet dreams. goodnight, [name]. it’s been three months since you’ve first spoken with him. intimacy there but low, how obvious it is that the two of you are proceeding with caution. yet you can’t help but write to him every day, staying up late while waiting for an answer of his, often checking your mobile and getting unsettled when there’s no signal. it’s strange, your colleagues whisper, how can you be so attached to someone if you’ve never even seen him? of course, you know it. you don’t wish for a pretty face, you only wish for a pretty personality. with a heavy sigh and a loud poof you pull the white duvet up to your head, finding comfort by completely hiding inside the warm embrace. you tightly hug a pillow, pretending that it’s him, returning your affection and cuddling, maybe caressing you too inasmuch, as he said, ‘androids don’t need to sleep’. but is it bad to fantasise? you: I’m deeply sorry.... sweetheart: >:( you: [name], it’s the seventh text-made emoji you’ve sent me.... they expressed some sort of anger so I’d prefer if we discussed about whatever is bothering you. sweetheart: >:(( you: I’m begging you.... sweetheart: you’re grounded and your punishment is enduring the wrath of weird angery text-based emoji :< you: what did I do to deserve this? :’( sweetheart: i sent you a heart & you didn’t send it back to me you: gosh! how clumsy of me! could you ever forgive this fool? sweetheart: mhhh it depends. what are you willing to do to be pardoned? you: I’ll send you whatever heart I possess! 💕💖💗💖 sweetheart: THIS IS UNFAIR!!! he’s silently giggling all by himself, in the cold room lit by his blue led circling at a steady rhythm– no, it’s not the temperature, rather it’s the atmosphere; ‘cold’. he’s still grappling with emotions and developing tastes is– well, to put it simply, complicated. he’s heartened with the fact that you once said, at the sight of a photo of his bed and the corner within, that being minimalistic is a style too. though, possibly, his true self is one of a clutterer of knick-knacks. of course, he’d like you to help him pick what ornaments would suit him the best. you: wtf i dont believe it connor♡ : but it does! you: prove it MIKU HATSUNE connor♡ : listen here human it’s not my fault you haven’t got the chance to witness an android external fluid deactivating you: !!!!! are you bragging?? connor♡ : ahahaha I’m joking it’s sending a video right now you watch ecstatically as soon as the app downloads the file, your chest throbbing with pleasurable anxiety. how can it be? he’s kind, precious AND fucking handsome, skin or no skin. you bet bad things will happen to you today to balance this sheer luck. think it thoroughly, it’s actually the first time you see his face. you: u’r cute also how does your hair work man connor♡ : thank you :) it’s connected to my head so.... you: i get it cybernetic magic your secrets are safe with me connor♡ : ahahaha and I was concerning myself about disgusting you you: WHAT fuck no you’re done that way, ok, it’s cool ok? kept it in mind are you allowed to insert ♡ near his name and not tell him? you: I’m waiting!! :/ sweetheart: so needy you: come on, [name]! sweetheart: tru tho you: >audio file cooome ooooonn sweetheart: !!! im ready pick up idiot the monitor lits and here you are, gorgeous. he’s certain that his heart melted on the spot. such is the sensation you give him every time you send him a photo, his thirium pump skipping a beat and making him inevitably somewhat gasping for air, mouth barely closed. he’s not accustomed to all the new features deviancy brought but in this he’s confident, he’s head over heels in love with you. you: what?? you’ve already seen the movie?? love♡ : yeah! I went with Hank! it was very nice, you should see it too you: WELL id kill to (please don’t arrest me detective) but nobody wants,,,, love♡ : why is that? (I won’t arrest you if you behave) you: something along the lines of not their genre or some shit uff (seems sketchy) love♡ : what about going alone? (it isn’t!!) you: it would be too sad :’(  love♡ : I’m sorry to hear that, if I could be there I’d accompany you and wouldn’t mind seeing it a second time. you: yes i know.... what is it? six months? more? you hardly remember, having so many messages in here, it would be too difficult to keep track, though you’re positive, that if you asked him he’d tell you in an instant, since he’s so attentive with that little brain-computer of his. you close your lids, tapping your fingers on the desk, it’s wearing, you must admit. you like him, a lot at this point, but being so far and out of reach.... what can come out of this? friends don’t support you either, ignoring this blatant crush, trying to make you hook-up with people met at a bar, getting annoyed at you constantly texting, preaching that a long distance relationship is not worth your time and your effort, and it’s not even a relationship, isn’t it? you’re not on that level. you’re just weirdos keeping themselves company. bummed out a bit, you decide that maybe avoiding him for a couple of days might be a proper solution. will he feel your absence? will he miss you? you: is everything all right? sweetheart: yes. you: are you sure? sweetheart: yep im,,,, swamped with work, the drill you: that I understand but perhaps I did something wrong? sweetheart: ?? you: you’ve been acting kinda cold lately, and if I’m the cause of that I’m sorry. being a deviant is good sometimes, and sometimes is not. it was great until a while ago so why now.... now....? he feels so lost. it’s understandable to have a job and a life outside this bond but– but is it really? is it okay for you to be without him? you’d manage fine. mhh no– the real question is: is it okay for him to be without you? can he be without sending you a text at least once a day? can he be without hearing your voice at least once a week? can he be without your usual video calls at least twice a month? can he be without seeing you, over a screen, cooking your dinner and singing? can he be? can he exist without you? he’s.... starting to doubt that. sweetheart: no i’m i’m the one whos sorry, okay? we can call tomorrow you: I don’t want to press you into anything you don’t want to sweetheart: you’re not! i’ll make up for not having been so present! you sigh, suffocating yourself on the pillow, how can you be this dense? this stupid? this utter moronic?? unequivocally he was going to worry. you made him worry. fuck. you’re going to trust your guts, no dumb jokes, it’s obvious that you both care about the other and can’t stay apart for too long. you: i know it’s 3AM and you told me to not be awake but i cant i cant okay? im thinking of you and me and you and it began because im a mess so it shouldnt be a surprise i havent gotten better this past year has been.... the best. yeah i fucked up and tried to be distant, to see if sth would change but it didnt i love waking up and finding a text from you, i love the sound of your voice trying to lull me goodnight when im being a spoiled child, i love how you’re so gentle & how you always forgive me and mostly i love you not as a friend, definitely as more, definitely like a lover and i know that you’re so caring that you’ll probably still want to talk with me even if the affection’s not mutual you lock your phone’s screen and place it on the nightstand. the orange light from the streets seeping through the curtains and soaking your covers, and now that your eyes are free to roam, it’s easier to notice the soft feathers’ filling making tiny shadows on your face. poor poor geese. your fingertips slightly touch the stitches, your heartbeat pacing furiously from the strong emotions, both trepidation and fear running your veins. what if he doesn’t feel the same? what if he’s been polite this whole time and you overstepped his boundaries? what if? love♡ is typing.... ping! love♡ : I love you too, honey. but please, don’t scare me again, I think I lost four biocomponents when you suddenly stopped replying to me. also you should sleep. you: im pouring my heart out ugly crying and!!!! you’re too casual nooo it’s no big deal baby we just fucking love each other it’s totally ok incoming call from love ♡ “hey....” his tone slow and almost drowsy “i thought it was clear enough.” words rolling off his tongue, the same that he’d tenderly run across you, kissing, tasting, worshipping your body “i hate you.” you sniffle and there’s a chuckle on the different end “i love you.” you smile, wiping off the tears wetting your cheeks with the back of your right hand “i love you too.”

[yestodaymvv]

soulmate!haechan

a/n: hello i’m back! i was avoiding homework and i ended up writing this. give feedback pls! thanks for reading <3

 i recommend listening to sun&moon by nct 127

word count: 2.5k

mark | renjun | jeno | jaemin | chenle | jisung

so, the soulmate marker that hyuck has is the first two initials thingy

the initials one is similar to the words written on your wrist except,, they’re initials

the initials can actually appear anytime it’s just random

like they can appear when you’re born, when you turn 16, when you drop your food

like any random time

so, hyuck is obviously a little ball of affection

and he loves loving people

so he was pretty excited when he got his initials

he was actually with renjun when it happened

they were going to the arcade because hyuck can apparently beat renjun’s high school in the pacman game

but renjun kept saying that hyuck wasn’t good enough

so as hyuck and renjun were going to the arcade

they stopped by a sandwich shop

and as they were walking in, someone was walking out

can you guess who it was?so obviously it was you

so you were the new girl in the city

you moved because your father got a new job offer that required leaving your hometown and moving into whatever city hyuck was init was the last week of summer break and you were getting lunch you, your brother and your father who was on his way from work

you were in a hurry because you and your father already on his way

so you didn’t bother looking where you were going and so you bumped into this dude

who was,, surprise surprise

hyuck

and so you just muttered a quick “i’m sorry!”and then ran your way home

or not ran, you had a bike

you biked your way home

and the minute that you and hyuck bumped into each other

was when hyuck got his initials on his wrist

as hyuck was ordering, renjun noticed it

“haechan,, look”

he pointed on hyucks wrist and there it was

your initials

in pretty cursive writing

the way you got your initials was different

it was more simple really

you got it the day you turned 17you were at home, at your birthday party, and as everyone was singing happy birthday

your brother yelled out “hey look, y/n’s wrist!”

and it was the initials L.D.  in bold letters

your family couldn’t stop teasing you about it

your brother would remind you that you weren’t allowed to date until you were 25your father would tease you about every single boy that you introduced them to

whether it was a classmate for a group projector a friend that he’s known for a long time

okay anyway so your first day of school was pretty chill

you were given the opportunity to have someone to help you around

and that was not hyuck

it was chenle

you became quick friends with chenle

you admired how sweet and outgoing he was and he never seemed to stop laughing which in turn made you laugh

chenle took a liking to you too

but not in that way because boy is taken

chenle said that you reminded him of his friend, haechan

how the both of you were easy going and funny

how you guys are just so happy

and so your were curious as to who this haechan actually was

throughout the week

chenle was the one who accompanied you

along with his friend jisung

you wanted to meet haechan but you never mentioned it to chenle

so the following week, you were in writing class

you loved to write

it was your favorite past time

you weren’t particularly the one who would read romance novels

you loved adventure

and you loved fantasy you would write about the things you never got to do

before moving into the city, you lived in a small town for your entire life

you always had adventures in the town the small town was located near a forest?? i guess you can say

you would have small adventures when you were younger with your friends

but as you got into middle school and high school

your friends decided to focus more on school

trying to pass and get away from the small town

you didn’t really care for you studies

you just wanted to be outside all the time

the imagination you had as a child, continued on as you turned into a teen

while your friends were out studying for whatever important tests or exams they had

you stayed outside,, wandering around

and you always loved the nighttime

so you were always out when it was night because you loved looking at the stars and looking at the moon

so in your writing class,, you were required to write about your favorite time of day

you were supposed to create a story using the setting time as your fav time

and you obviously chose the nighttime

so as you were writing your story

hyuck walks in the room

he switched classes into writing and the only open seat was in front of you

so he sat there

you didn’t notice that someone sat in front of you until your teacher told you to share what you wrote to someone sitting next to you

and hyuck was the only one next to you

so hyuck turns around and greats you with a big smile

“hello, would you like to share first?”

and you said “sure”

your story was about a small little boy that couldn’t go outside in the daylight

he doesn’t do it because he looked different from everyone else and he was afraid of people teasing him

it was about how at night, he would venture into the forest behind his house

and then he would go around his own little adventures

and hyuck stops you in the middle of the story

“wait, so your favorite time of day,, is nighttime?”

“well, yea?? i thought i established that when my main character can’t go out in the daytime.”

“nighttime is so sad! there’s no light! no sun!”

“that’s exactly why i like it?”

he looked hurt

 “how? could? one? not? like? the? sun?”

“i’m guessing you have a strong passionate love for the sun?”

and hyuck

 just smiles

 like

really wide

“OF COURSE I LOVE THE SUN! IM HAECHAN!”

and your like,, oh this is haechan

“wait youre haechan? youre friends with chenle?”

“yea,, little lettuce head?”

and you just laugh bc chenle is a lettuce head

but a cute lettuce head lets not attack okay chenle is adorable

“you’re the one that chenle told me about. so,, doesnt haechan like,, mean,, full sun?”

“yes!”

“is that really your actual name?”

“mhm, nope. it’s just a nickname i was given when i was younger so i sticked to it.”

“ahh” and you nodded

 “okay so back on to the topic,, how can you not like the sun?!!?!!?!?!?”

you rolled your eyes at him

“haechan, not a lot of people like the sun. i don’t like it because it hurts my skin”

“what are you, a vampire?”

“psh, no. my skin is just sensitive.”

“okay well, let’s get into my better, more sunshine loving, story”

his was about little bear

a little bear that wanted to visit the sun

he was told by his mother and friends that it was impossible to go to the sun

but he persevered and tried his best to

lol these stories i’m so dumb but just,, imagine that they’re better

and so you stop and say that his is pretty unrealistic

 “hey! i don’t want to hear your opinions you sun hating monster”

you rolled your eyes once more

“i have a name you know”

“well i would call you by it but you didn’t exactly introduce yourself and sun hating monster has a better ring to it”

“i’m y/n”

“ahh so the monster does have a name”

you took his story and smacked it on his head 

“don’t be mean! chenle said you were loving but that’s obviously not true”

“HEY I AM”

“yea,, sure.”

and so that was it

your friendship with hyuck

officially began

you guys were like

the cutest set of friends

you are both like the biggest rays of sunshine ever

even though you hate the sun

people tended to know you guys as the suns cause you were always so smiley and happy

and the both of you make friends so easily

you guys became friends really quickly

and you would spend time outside of school and hang out

it tended to be indoor activities

because you didn’t like being outside

the both of you tended to be playing video games or watching movies

hyuck occasionally cooked and you helped him

and he would just make fun of you when you couldn’t do the right things

like cutting an onion

“y/n, you’re doing it wrong you’re terrible at this”

“channie,, pls shut up”

“YOURE GOING TO BURN YOURSELF Y/N”

“NO I WONT HAECHAN LET ME BE”

and then you do burn yourself

and youre there crying

but hyuck to the rescue

he’s so cute so like imagine him helping you

so he calms you down as your crying

and he just hums a soft tone

and his voice gets all soft and goes “its okay”

and he carefully tends your burn

and hes just

so :(( cute :(( and soft :((

but hes also  a little shit

so once he finishes helping you he goes

“i told you youd burn yourself but you never listen”

OKAY FAST FORWARD

you guys are seniors now

and it’s your last few months of school

this was around the time you guys start to get to know which colleges you get accepted into

so the thing about the soulmates hyuck already knew that you were his soulmate

he knew when he was at your house one day after school

the both of you were trying to make lunch for your father and brother

you decided to give them a treat

and the both of you were fooling around

so you were both messing around that you accidentally broke a bowl

and you father hears it from the living room

and he yells

 “Y/F/N Y/M/N Y/L/N”

and hyuck just freezes

his initial tattoo had three letters

and it was of course, your middle name

if you dont have a middle name im sorry but just go with it

and he just realized

that the feeling he had whenever he was with you

the feeling have happiness whenever you were around him

the way your laugh makes him smile

how your laugh is his favorite sound

how whenever you smile at him he gets butterflies and his heart squeezes

whenever you look at him in the eyes, hyuck just sees stars and thinks you have the most beautiful eyes out there

it was because you were both soulmates

and you didn’t know that yet

he knew the initials on your wrist was his

L.D. for lee donghyuck

but you didn’t know his first name

you only knew his last name and haechan

ever since then, hyuck was trying his best to lay low on his feelings

he was happier when he found out

he was with his soulmate and it was his best friend

he didn’t bother telling you though

he wanted fate to take its path and let you find out on your own

he’s been more affectionate to you

and you never really noticed

you just figured that was how haechan was

you did, of course eventually find out that donghyuck was haechan’s real name

it was at school

and the both of you were still in writing class

you had the same teacher and the both of you asked you teacher to do college recommendations for you

if you dont know what college recs are it basically a teacher writing about how you are at school for a higher chance to get into college

so you were leaving class without hyuck because he was out sick for the day

when your teacher calls your name

she gives you back your college recs and you look at haechans

and the name “lee donghyuck” was on the top

and you were confused and somewhat angry? relieved?

so when you went to visit him after school, with a bowl of your father’s soup

when you went into his room, you greeted him by asking him

“your first name is donghyuck?”

and hyuck just looks at you and smiles

“you finally figured it out?”

you passed him his college rec

“you know, you’ve been causing me a lot of internal problems”

you said somewhat a bit mad

hyuck gets up and walks a bit closer to you

“why’s that?”

you look up at him

“because,, i have been having a crisis for weeks”

you start to pace around his room

“because i’ve been so worried about this whole soulmate thing

i’ve been worried that i would never get to meet my soulmate

and when i do i wouldnt even like them

because of you”

hyuck walks to you

“me?”

“yes you

you’re always going around with your stupid little smile

and laughing your stupid little laugh

and the small little stupid things you do

you’re always so nice to me and you’re always cooking me food

you’re jokes always make me laugh

you always make my day and im worried that i wouldnt like my soulmate

because i like you

but now, here i am

your name, lee donghyuck, intials L.D. is on my wrist”

you take a big sigh

“i really hate you chan, you know that?”

hyuck smirks at you

“that was quite a confession y/n, but we both know you don’t hate mewe’re soulmates”

he shows you his initialsyour initials, with your middle name

“y/f/n y/m/n y/l/n”

and then you two start dating okay so before i end this bulleted au let me just say a cute little thing  i thought of as i was writing this

okay it’s the week before college starts

and you and hyuck were at your old town

hyuck decided to surprise you by driving you out into your old town so you can look at the stars

you cant really do that in the city

so he did it for you

so as you were both stargazing, hyuck calls out your name

“hey y/n”

“yes hyuck?”

you sit up to look at him he pulls out a small jewelry box

you open it to find a small sun pendant necklace

“hyuck,,,”

“i know we’re going to be a few hours away because of college, and i know that you don’t like the sun but i love the sun, like how i love you. you’re my sun. and i can be your moon”

you turned the pendant over and there was an engraving of the letter HH for haechan

H for donghyuck

H for your soulmate the name of your soulmate

H for haechan

[mcfrey]

something I wrote about BigHit on my phone at 2am to try and organise my thoughts that nobody asked for or has to agree with, but I just thought some people might find interesting to think about (it seems over dramatic with the layout but I swear that's just how I punctuate stuff in my phone sorry)

it finally happened

and by that I mean I'm gonna talk about something that's been bugging me

SO ANYWAYS

yeah

it's bighit

I felt it with answer not having all the songs on. they only left 2 songs and skits off of HYYH so like... to leave what was it like 6 songs off of answer?

sea, pied piper, paradise, love maze, 134340

okay that's the only 5 I could think of but it still applies

and it's like they chose those ones so that people have to buy all 3

I know I'm biased because those were literally my favourite ones and im still salty but

it feels like they chose to put in the ones with American producers and writers over prioritising fan favourites?

bighit

WYD

then came

burn the stage the movie

which didnt really bug me

lowkey just made me really happy but also really sad

although to have a YouTube series and a movie??? like I get that it costs a lot to make but if felt a bit weird

I got over it once I saw it though

but I still feel like their money making is hardly subtle

someone mentioned how bighit effectively make money off of overworking the boys through things like burn the stage and that's the upsetting truth. it raises awareness for what they do, but then they'll just have more fans so there will be more pressure and it will just get worse

okay wait part 2 should have been bon voyage

like yeah it's cute but breaks that are semi scripted with cameras in your bedroom shouldn't be classed as breaks

and then we watch it

we purchase it

it works

so they do it again

sometimes you get things which are meaningful out of those videos like when they were on the boat

or when they read letters on run

but are they actually meaningful? probably, but not compared to what happens off camera because

that's all we see

we dont know what goes on the rest of the time

how many actually genuinely meaningful moments there have or havent been

it's hardly news that we're not really a part of bts' story as individuals. not truly. so why fake it? why not embrace what it is?

next we have LY in Seoul screenings

kind of chill because not everyone gets to see the tour, plus even if there was a DVD it would be region locked

and it's just a nice chance to see them on a bigger screen and meet other armies so I cant really complain. nobody's making me go and for some people it's a really good thing.

but also kind of not chill because renting it on YouTube would be like 3£ and a cinema ticket is like 15£

*edit: and to do it when the tour is still going on feels strange to me? someone pointed out that some people couldn't go because it spoils it

and bighit push all this stuff about the boys overworking which we already know and feel guilty about but then they overlap this with their schedule when it makes so much more sense to promote and release this at a time when they're either on a break or working in the shadows so that we can get prerecorded content whilst they're resting*

bt21

cute and wholesome, but the collaborations with everything?

wait, this can apply to just bts themselves too

here's the thing, bighit, you may profit a lot from all these things but at the end of the day it's the partner who wins because people buy things they never wouldve thought to buy before bts' face was on it because that's just how consumerism works. bts are under your contract and by accepting every single deal presented to you one could argue that you are in fact damaging their image by contradicting the message of their music. we know that the members arent sincere in their promoting without even having to ask them. there is nothing spiteful about it. the members arent in the wrong or trying to deceive us. they're just doing their jobs. the problem is that people support bts because of their music, lyrics, and speeches which are all, just to name a few, anti capitalist, anti consumerist, and anti racist, and you make money off of them because they show those traits, and it's because it's all clearly sincere.

but you also make money off of them through their advertising campaigns with luxury products, fast fashion designs, and uninclusive makeup lines.

you cannot show two sides of BTS to the world without making one of them emotionally worthless.

and if I were you, I would not for a second risk losing the quality and sincerity of the message in bts' music that got you where you are today.

what makes it hurt more is that bts are still so passionate.

they make songs and remixes in their own time.

why arent they incorporated into the discography? why is the discography simultaneously over saturated and lacking? rushed yet milked?

their performances are still so strong, but they collapse at the end

is it really worth it in your eyes? why cant they simply perform less and better? is their hardworking image being abused for further popularity, exhibiting their sleep deprivation like its part of what attracts people to them?

and this stadium tour

now this is different

because it's not bad at the moment, just confusing

what I think it means is that bighit wasnt brave enough to try for stadiums the first time, then realised their mistake when every arena sold out in minutes or even seconds?

or worse, he knew they would sell out and wanted them to so that the show could be labelled as Sold Out

which is fair enough, and clever

but it's also really not

like there are hundreds of thousands of people missing out on the tour who want to give you their money but the venues were too small or there were too few dates

or you avoided their state, country or continent altogether

and now you could argue you're fixing that by going back with a larger capacity and giving them a chance but why with 9 days notice?

look I get that nothing can be perfect but this has just been piling up recently and I think it's the deals and tours that bothered me most

dont get me wrong, I'm much madder at the way *edit: i put a company name here* capitalizes and could probably be even more mad if I actually learnt about it rather than just using instinct (get it it's funny)

and I'm even more mad at *edit: I put a different company name here* for their poor management and neglect of what people actually want

but bighit really have bts

The BTS

and that gives them so many choices

yet they seem to make some really irrational ones

and now its 2:39am

and we'll end it on that beautiful negative note

*edit: please dont hesitate to let me know what you think about this or if you think it's just going to stir up something and I should take it down

and thanks for sitting through this whole thing*