#dont be so hard on yourself too
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Not related to txt or writing content but to my people pleasing pals:
Sometimes, you may feel lost within yourself and lose any sense of identity. You forget what you mean to other people and forget who you are as a whole. But really, what do others mean to you?
You'll struggle eventually, as others do, but before crawling to other people, the braver thing you can do rather than reaching out to someone is reaching out to yourself.
#attract ppl instead of chasing them 🫶#dont be so hard on yourself too#if theres no one who'll say jt#then i will#i love you 🫶#thanks for listening to my ted talk *bows down*#hyukassubi.thoughts
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taylorpilled swiftmaxxing
#porter robinson#bitch hes taylor swift.....#this perspective is so broken. dont look at this too hard i speedran this#phoenix art#knock yourself out XD
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terranigma, a cool game
#terranigma#terranigma ark#terranigma elle#terranigma meilin#art tag#im going to write a little review in the tags bear with me#first the negative:#the magic system is weird to use and basically useless apart from one boss thats almost impossible without magic#it has some weird racism like most old games where you travel around the world. a little more egregious since its supposed to be real earth#i found the main character to be slightly insufferable for about 3/4ths of the game. i came around on him by the end tho. he grows up a lot#and i found whats by far the largest section of the game (chapter 3) to be the least interesting#im not really into helping cities develop and trade quests tho so it might just be me#oh also it is STUPID easy to permanently lock yourself out of like 15 sidequests#and theres a lot of mandatory things that are really hard to figure out. you need to use a walkthrough for this#anyway thats what i didnt like#what i DID like tho. i dont want to get into too much detail but#its a genuinely beautiful game for so much of it#there were so many moments that left me speechless#its high-concept and thoughtful and fun to play#you dont really need to do much grinding either#at its worst its obtuse and cliche but at its best its breathtaking#and i really recommend more people check it out#special shoutout to my friend seona who modded my 3DS and downloaded a bunch of roms including this one#so in conclusion. terranigma is an underrated gem. play it if youre a 90s jrpg junkie like me#just have a walkthrough open also lol
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i aint exactly a boy.....but i aint exactly a girl....rather a secret third fourth fifth sixth seventh thing 😏
#and its called not giving enough of a damn about gender to give yourself one BUT DOES NOT MEAN AGENDER/UNLABELED#even 'unlabeled' is too much for me man. thats still a label to me. and i want NONE OF THAT!!!!!!!! dont know why thats so hard for some pe#ple to understand
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I absolutely really need to be writing anything but random ideas while I procrastinate and this is so awful rough bc I literally wrote it on my phone in one sitting while avoiding work but
Do you see my vision. Her Nosy Bitch Syndrome would actually be good for him when they've both chilled out a little in the postcanon.
#fic#wip#i know its weird that im writing about shuro getting a crush on marcille when i have no intentions of letting that go anywhere#but the idea wont leave my head. he would end up liking her for the same reasons the toudens latched onto her#she's weird and awful in her own way but she's honest about it. you never have to second guess yourself with her#because she wears her heart on her sleeve and is so bad at not doing so#she's not afraid to Speak Up and advocate for herself so you can trust her to push back if you lean on her too hard#maybe i just have terminal blorboism. i want to see her be freaky good at learning eastern magic#and maybe even cry a little bc calligraphy gives her that same calm feeling that braiding her hair used to#and she didnt think she'd ever find another meditation routine that actually fits her#also its just. wouldnt it be so funny. if falin was worried about them not getting along bc marcille is jealous#and then actually visiting and seeing the way shuro looks at her and going#oh no you dont. thats MY elf get your own!!!!!
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oo u want 2 draw soo bad..
#i hate that my ability to draw is so conditional#its soo frustrating but i dont know how to break it. this has been the one thing thats never changed.ill never be free#times like rn i just do studies but its soo fking BORINGGG euuhh...#but if i try 2 draw something for funsies i just stare at the blank canvas. literally immobile. & u know how people r like just draw#something anyways. a line. something. and its like no i cant do that oi cant even do that u underestimate my freak#i want 2attack myself from the pov of someone else#i think im having the realization tht i will never be able to do art stuff frls and its driving me crazy i think.#like im actually sick and unwell frm the thought of it.my friend commissioned me and im ab 2 send the money back#after two weeks bc i cant do it im literally frozen dude.i want 2 cry and die and explode into a million pieces#wait im back to add more.idk if anyone feels the same way but its like. i know its entirely a Me issue its a mental block issue#theres something thats not connecting in my head but its like.why is it so easy for everyone else ykwim...and thats a lie too right#like everyone else struggles w art and its not.it cant exist Without you struggling and practicing hard and trusting yourself#but in my brain im just convinced that like.i cant do this i cant do this like everyone else can do it like second nature and it freaks me#tf out#but also its the one thing i want to do more than anything else in my life and so like if i cant do it i dont know what to do.ughh.#not me freaking the fuck out rn lawl.lols.even#and on top of it i feel like i cant express myself well and i think my friend. < SOOO awesome and well meaning and NICE and legitimately#pushing me to try and believe that i can do this stuff but i feel like they wont understand the sort of like.mental block im struggling wit#like its less that i hate my art or something i dont its more like.i just feel soo physically restrained and incapable of doing it.suddenly#i cant think and i cant do anything.i have no creativity i have no ideas my mind is quite literally blank and empty
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how did you find out you were gay
tldr I don't fucking know man. Sono gay perché odio le donne
#anonymous#[.asks]#dont see a label as an essential truth about yourself see it as a tool by which you communicate with others. 👍#also im not the best person to ask this considering my first thought was to make a statistical analisys lol#what else. uh. happy pride. I don't know I'm probably autistic and transgender if I think about it too hard I destroy gender in my head#hit anglerflsh moral here has essentially gone back to im in love with a man so clearly im gay (<- this is a joke)
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am i rlly going to write a death note literary analysis when i could be doing other things
about the discourse going on in the tag abt "death note is acab and thats why the characters couldnt better the world with the note (/written in somewhat jokey matter)" vs "death note is trying to say we all have potential for evil, especially if you get a chance to insta-hurt ppl without repercussions, and it doesnt matter if youre a cop or not", i personally feel like it ignores the things that i like abt death note, which is "both of these things are true", and simultaneously "both of these things do not matter". the first part of this is dedicated to the first point, the latter to the last.
first point. i think its an important part of the message and themes (unintentional or not, and i lean on the former because... come on, can you really say the author intended you to not think of the cops as good people, at least compared to light and l) that light is a cops son, and that almost everyone who gets the death note is cop adjacent/thinks like a cop and is already corrupt/powerful when they get it (mello raised to think hed be just like l, yotsuba group is self explanatory; you cannot look me in the eyes and tell me teru "churchill" mikami, who was hand selected by light out of a bunch of rabid kira supporters, is a normal citizen). i appreciated the cop post bc its rlly important to not gloss over that aspect.
all of this would be an argument for "only someone like them would do something like this, and i am not like them, so im above them and immune to thinking about what id do with it", but... misa is the MOST important outlier in all of this bc her murders are solely selfish in nature and shes not doing any of this for "the greater good"!!! her nature of being an exception and still a very very bad person is really really important...
or it would be if death note gave a shit about her character at all!!! im not talking about her tragic side, im talking about exploring the ramifications of her killing people the way lights murders are (somewhat) explored. that would strengthen the message greatly! but shes dismissed and that weakens it overall. firstly, she's dismissed by the characters when l only sees her as a way to get to kira and basically shelves her the rest of the time. secondly, shes dismissed by the narrative when her character is gradually ground down to a stump and (not to sound perilously close to the bad takes ppl meme about) she never faces repercussions for her actions. every other character using the death note is treated relatively seriously, but misa just dies bc her love is dead. im not saying this isnt a... fitting punishment or that it isnt in character, but it doesnt fit snugly into the theme other people are talking about of "you reap what you sow" at all.
we do have something of an equivalent to misa's grayscale motives. surprise surprise, its light yagami. first is light's characterization in the musical (i will also note that misa never kills anyone in the musical). light's thinking is coplike, yes — he literally starts his first song by talking about "throw[ing] away the key" — but also, oddly enough, could be read as progressive and therefore sympathetic to tumblr ("let the corporations make the regulations / and hold no one accountable when everything gets wrong / let the rich and famous get away with murder / every time a high-priced mouthpiece starts to talk, his client gets to walk"). compare to the anime and manga, where his bigotry and pride and disgust come from a place of lukewarm dissatisfaction and boredom. the musical has much less time to play around with lights character, so it gives the audience something to immediately hook on. more on how that actually plays out later.
in the animanga, none of this is justified from the start. animanga light could say he was just killing people to make humanity way, way worse, and that wouldnt matter, because at the root of it, it was always his boredom that made him pick up the note. of course he actually believes in justice and believes hes doing the right thing (no, he believes he's doing the wrong thing, for the sake of the world... the right thing, because he is god...), but it was boredom at the start. all animanga light says about justice and righteousness and the law is a front in the end, bc he is exactly like l and misa — amoral. selfish. searching for entertainment. hedonistic. we know this. he kills naomi misora*. he kills lind l. turner. everything hes saying deserves to be dismissed from the beginning.
"but doesnt that mean you agree with the discourse post you wrote this post to argue against?" like i said, i agree with both of them! but i... still think its not right to reduce death note to the message of "the power to kill people is bad". because that is not exactly what the story is saying, even though that's literally its whole plot and therefore reaching that conclusion is self explanatory (lmao). let's look at the concept of mu. nothingness. "there's no heaven or hell". The Real Slay The Princess (Death Note Essay) Starts Here.
in light's final moments in the death note manga, while screaming about not wanting to die, he remembers that the first day they met, ryuk told light that "there's no heaven or hell. no matter what they do in life, all people go to the same place. all humans are equal in death". it is retroactively revealed that light knew this the whole time, operated under this knowledge for all the years we watched him — the knowledge that nothing he does is actually bad, that nothing any human does is actually bad, that shinigami are not "evil", that the universe does not care. that no one cares except humans. this oblivion absolutely terrifies him more than anything anyone could ever do to him. its what he thinks of before anything else as he flails there, screaming, dying. one could say everything he does after that day is him trying to escape that fact, or wrest control over it. but it doesnt work.
here are the lyrics of requiem, the musical's final song, sung over the bodies of l and musical light, a light who was at least somewhat good-intentioned at first: "sleep now, here among your choices / then fade away / hear how the world rejoices / shades of gray / gone who was right or wrong / who was weak or strong / nothing left to learn". this is the final message the death note musical and the manga chose to leave us with. there is no judgement. even after all that acknowledged hurt, after all the damage done, there is no judgement.
in the manga and anime alike, the world is just as fucked when light picks up the death note as when he dies. sure, we as readers can guess otherwise logically (and be optimistic, believing the world was never fucked regardless), but that's not what death note wants you to think. it ends with matsuda and another member of the task force noting how the world is worse again even though they killed kira (matsuda is clearly much worse for wear, but still determined), we see the shitty motorcycle band again, it ends with misa and a whole kira cult on a mountain even though kira died a long time ago...
its extremely important that light is never killed by any human or any aspect of the law. he is always killed by ryuk: a chaotic force completely detached from human sensibilities, one that does not care about good and evil. same with l; in the anime, manga, and musical, he is always killed by rems senseless, morally gray love (and you could argue in the kdrama that hes killed by love there too lol). justice is just a set dressing.
this is not just because death note is a tragedy, because good and evil can still matter in a tragedy. the theme of "nothingness" and "good and evil doesnt matter here" is also shown in a situation relatively unrelated to light winning or losing, or being good or bad. and its in fucking lawlight of all things. we all know ls not a good person. we know lights not a good person. this is tip of the iceberg death note knowledge. but the moment they start to interact, none of that starts to matter. textually, their relationship becomes more important than the people theyve killed and hurt. and the thing is? the thing is? THAT WORKS STORY-WISE. THAT'S ENTERTAINING. AND IT'S NEVER TEXTUALLY CALLED OUT IN A LASTING WAY. l and lights relationship, no matter how much i meme it, is genuinely important to the themes and "mu" because it makes it clear that despite all the pretensions, despite everything, this was never about good and evil. and it still works in the story. this is why death note is simultaneously a comedy — isn't the battle of good and evil supposed to matter more? well, fine, i'll keep watching this anyway. that suspension of disbelief comes crashing down the moment l dies, though, and a relationship built on nothingness (the "mu" sort, meaninglessness, not "character development" nothingness, theres plenty of character development) gives way to just nothingness (again, "mu", not light's post-l depression nothingness), forever.
(an aside: there is no one to root for in death note, and the only things to root for are either interesting character relationships, convoluted plots, or complete and total destruction: for everything to end so no more damage is done.)
not to say that death note does not encourage its readers to consider what damage they might do with the death note (obviously.), or that its characters never do. look at matsuda, a much easier heroic figure to latch on to than soichiro because of his unique place in the cast dynamic and because he's willing to consider both sides of the situation and kill light instantly for all he's done. its just that the story's own stance on the subject is... complicated by the existence of shinigami worldviews and by its own insistence that the world cannot change for the better.
also, this is not to say that this is executed well by the death note manga at all. it is a very strong tool, artistically, to establish and then violently remove any emotional connections between characters and make your story only about the exceedingly convoluted lengths characters go to to survive and catch each other so the reader can realize how ultimately pointless all of this is, but like... is that a good story choice if that's all you do? i would say not really. add in a good dollop of misogyny that destroys the second-to-last character who might actually be an interesting contrast to the rest of the cast's dull one-track focus on winning and justice, and youve got yourself a shitty story that... honestly still achieves what it went out to do, just not in a way id ever want to replicate.
anyway, back to the parts death note's actually trying to say. no matter what any human does in their life, no matter how they try to hurt or help the world, they all die in the end. hey, light, they all die in the end. once dead, they can never come back to life. and the seasons turn. and the world rejoices. and you say "goodbye"...
that's all.
no analysis of death notes overarching theme would be complete without nears final monologue, the definitive roast of light, the "you're just a murderer" speech: "what is right from wrong? what is good from evil? nobody can truly distinguish between them. even if there is a god." if we take this as talking about the actual god in the room (ryuk) as well as light, then near admits that humans will never be able to withstand these overwhelming forces and that, using justice and happiness and selfishness, they are just scrabbling to find meaning in things they ultimately have no control over.
but of course, near does not stop there. "[...] even then i'd stop and think for myself. i'd decide for myself whether his teachings are right and wrong." nears alright with not having control over everything, because near can still control nears own actions. these forces can and do exist, but they have no sway over nears own humanity — unlike light, who caved.
one of the creators of death note said they believe its message is "life is short, so everyone should do their best". the first time i learned this, i was like, thats... nice and optimistic, but an awful reading of the story! "life is short, so everyone should be desperate and striving like light yagami", who literally cut off other ppls lives for his own life? what character in death note are we supposed to strive towards when we "do our best"? they all do awful things with their lives! honestly, maybe they shouldnt have tried their best, if this is what their best is!
but with the view of "mu"... it makes a bit more sense. just a little. maybe.
there is no good and evil. there is only what humans think, and no matter what we do, we all die in the end. it is easy to be crushed and terrified by this in the same way light is, but what is more important than justice and righteousness and finding meaning is... doing your best. not being a person that hurts others too much. not letting yourself get swallowed up by an ideal. not going too far. and simultaneously, trusting yourself.
it leaves a few questions, though... was the currently dead l even a little bit right about his blatantly amoral approach, then? was there a point to this pain, and me slogging through this dumbass manga, and all the people that have lost their lives to a selfish teenage cop's son and the whims of everyone chasing after him? was there a point to any of this...?
the manga** never answers this. it stays clinically impartial until the very end. the musical is anything but clinically impartial (and i love it so much for that), and its ryuk that has the last word.
"there's no point at all."
of course theres no point. none of this was ever supposed to happen. that is what matters more than all the hurt and the crimes and the pain.
and that's... actually okay, because it's over now.
yes, death note has many really important themes present in its story, but its viewpoint is nihilism first and foremost. thats why its so fun and easy to play around with all the other messages, because no matter what fun or torment or awful things or righteous justice or absolute nothingness or sentimentality happens in between, there is always an end.
there is always the end.
#*naomi was killed off bc the author thought shed solve the case too quickly. ironic. i dont think it was meant to forward a theme other than#'light evil! oh no!!!' bc it had minimal buildup and absolutely no repercussions. it is just kind of smth that happens#everything in death note is just smth that happens bc. at some point i just have to admit its NOT RLLY WELL WRITTEN#but it says something. it says many things. and i like balancing the two in my head#death note#personal#**>reduces anime ending to a footnote /j#anime ending: light regrets COMING THIS FAR- not his crimes. he sees l as another regret and dies.#another example of the tragic self (and tragic relationship) ultimately being more important than morals#l would be proud of the torment he inflicted on light if he were not fucking dead#i would also bring up the argument that the way every death note character uses the note is so extreme that its hard to compare them#to real people but lets assume that the author was trying to replicate how actual human beings work as much as possible*#you made it deep enough into the tags would you like to hear about near and mello being nonbinary—#'there is an end so why not enjoy the middle? chain yourself to a hot boy eat strawberry shortcake be bisexual and lie'#*either that or they were just explicitly trying to have fun like they said they was doing#light yagami#sure ill tag my boy#'you cant say the curtains are just blue!' well can i say the curtains were shittily made#norrie if you look at this post ever again ill death note you myself
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Anyways
#they KNOW its been the hardest year ive had so far why cant they cut me some slack!!!!!!!#i have never cried so much in a year nor have i felt so much stress and they KNOW that so why!!!!!#also has your father ever said Well this is your problem. you dont know yourself at all.#SIR I HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD IN THIS AREA TOO I KNOW MYSELF BETTER THAN YOU KNOW ME ?????????#which would be clear judging by how lightly you said that because if you knew me you would know how i hate being treated like a little girl#who knows nothing????? and not my mother hearing someone call me mature for my age#and then LAUGHING nonstop and then saying: mature? who? you??#GIRLS I AM HAVING A ROUGH TIME LOL PLEASE IGNORE THIS#i miss my friends so very much!!!! and my parents are always like dont value your friends too much they always leave but youll always have#family. well maybe so but my friends would never say things like that to me#anyways i am going to BED
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Is there a cat in cannon who got a good death who you think didn't deserve it? Especially if they committed crimes?
Tom the Wifebeater and his redemption death. No question. It's not even close.
Not only do I reject to the "redemption death" on the grounds of it being Tom the Wifebeater who is bullying others until his dying breath, even taunting Thunder about Turtle Tail is dead and the kits must be very torn up about it, but I reject "redemption through death" entirely. I don't like it in stories. It's a theme I deeply object to.
And again it's fucking wild that every time a character is a father, even if they are a wifebeater or a child abuser, the writers think that it bestows a glimmer of goodness into them which every abused child is forced to appreciate and cry about. Breezepelt, Thunder, Tallstar, Tom's children, all of them forced to reconcile and admit how much they wuv their papa.
Abusive dads in WC regularly get redemption deaths, too. Clear Sky dies saving his grandchild, Sandgorse died saving a rando in a tunnel, Tom the Wifebeater saving his daughter.
But Tom the Wifebeater is the worst example of it. Hands down.
#Though I will say it's not exactly a matter of a crime being 'too bad to come back from'#ANYONE can change.#But these ones DONT.#These fathers are *recontextualized* by their deaths and their victim is pushed into rethinking their anger towards them#IF they even had anger towards them at all. All of Tom's victims were too dead to have those feelings because DOTC hates women#And his children are destroyed when they learn that the guy they met once who kidnapped them and got their mom killed died#And that's why I generally hate redemption deaths. By their very nature they don't display what's so HARD about accountability#The changing of your behavior. Checking yourself. Admitting that your victims dont have to forgive you.#It's hard work!#It's painful sometimes! It's worth it but it's not always easy!#It's also its own reward. Your relationships improve. You feel better. You understand yourself.#but no. a redemption death is the end. You never really have to face what you did.#And I hate the way that lots of storytellers think it means it undoes the violence they did#IT does nothing. They're gone. The victims continue.#Where are my stories with RESENTMENT for that? How DARE you die for me?? How dare you run away from the hole you cut into my flesh???#You think the end of you becomes the missing piece of me?#Awful. No thankz#Bone babble#Tom the Wifebeater#child abuse#cw child abuse#tw child abuse
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fellas is it gay to painstakingly carve your name intertwined with your bestie's name on a Best Friend Stone
#bucchigiri?!#watch and yell#spoilers#im YELLING SO LOUDDDD#I DOUBT YOU STILL HAVE YOURS#MATAKARA I'M SO SORRYYYY#SCREAMINGGGGG#Guys im sane i swear im watching this like a normal person#also im pretty sure ara-chan started avoiding you bc he felt he was too weak b#dont be so hard on yourself you sweet little (big) puppy
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this soundtrack genuinely makes me so emotional like damn. the jack vs fiona scene at the end of ep 2 is already so perfect and then they had to go make this beautiful as hell ost with it too. those bastards
#yeah im gonna gush abt the borderlands ost again#it slaps so hard and i dont see many people talking abt it SOB#but this one especially got me by the balls#cause it really adds to the intensity of the decision of whether you should trust jack or fiona#like you can feel rhys' nerves and conflicting emotions through the soundtrack alone#cause even tho you yourself know jack is Bad and fiona is the objectively good option you also know that rhys has a different perspective#fiona is a pandoran con artist which should be reason enough to not trust her (dude is NOT immune to hyperion propaganda)#but shes also tough and survived for 29 whole years WHILE ALSO protecting her sister so she's gotta be doing something right#and even rhys could tell fiona is very genuine. plus they set out to find the vault together so he kinda has to trust her at some point#but then theres jack who hes idolized for so long and hes literally in his ear telling him not to trust fiona#but trusting jack means giving jack way too much access to his cybernetics and even tho hes a massive fanboy hes also aware of jacks nature#and on top of this hard decision theres also a time limit. like he had to make this choice on the spot#IM TELLING YOU MAN THAT SCENE IS CRAZY. I GET GOOSEBUMPS THINKING ABOUT IT#and no matter who you pick at the end youre always like 'well. this doesnt bode well'#because youve either essentially given jack access to your brain or youve pissed jack off and neither of those are good#rhys was in a lose-lose situation there#txt
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#life#don't overthink it#do it yourself#you won't regret it#be ready#be fearless#just do it#people#inspiring quotes#daily life#life quotes#so don't overthink#Schreiber#quotes#quote#book quotes#poetry love#never ready#dont think too hard about it#make it make sense
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the last unicorn post from earlier has me thinking about the master. that yana is still in there, you know? is still someone he was, if even for a brief flash across the life of a time lord. there’s no way to unlive that life. there are ways to twist it later, sure, to make utopia into hell on earth. but the life was lived. in much the same way that the doctor can remember, can feel, the love he held onto as john smith even as that life is ripped out of his hands. the doctor choose denial and then grief and then to shutter it all away. and so john smith died, and so professor yana died, and the doctor and the master live on. the doctor has done this before, and he lives in orbit around humanity, trying to keep the best parts of them and hold them deep enough to take root (which he can pretend he gets to choose, as a time lord. as a human, it all floods in and can’t be dug back out.) but what about the master, right?
to borrow a turn of phrase: i think there are two time lords left in the universe, and they both learned how to regret.
#regret here meaning less feeling the emotion of actual regret obviously because time lords do not actually funxtion on unicorn rules. they#already get sad just fine on their own. no humanity needed for that.#but i dont know. i just dont think he brushed it off so easily. i think he did a hell of a job convincing himself he did.#and what better way then to twist his own great works and destroy the species he was working so hard to save at the end of the universe.#but what about the knowledge that he *could* be that person. that somewhere in him exists a version that wanted to save people.#a version that is painfully too much like the doctor. even. now is that part worse or better than the human part?#but if past regenerations are ghosts i think yana deserves a haunt.#anyway maybe ignore this one im rambling about nothing here#theres just. i dont know. what if you were the last of your kind and in surviving you made yourself Not Like Them in a way you’ll never#escape.#i mean doctor who is just so concerned with all these plots about hybrids and children of the tardis and clones and What Makes A Time Lord.#but they’re so obsessed with it in just. a very Lore way. is what it feels like. we get brushes of more like with jenny and how she’s#physically a time lord and the doctor denies her that inheritance. a shared suffering…#but me myself im just fascinated with the doctor and the master as the time lords who survived. but they survived Wrong#its. its. children of gallifrey that don’t belong to her anymore. you know?#i dont care if river’s got time lord dna!!! or the metacrisis is physically human!!! i dont care!!! talk to me about what it means beyond#their blood and bones!!! what’s it like to have your sense of self stripped from you like that!!!#what’s it like when so much of you is the shed skin of time lords past. but one of you was human. one of you was painfully *humiliatingly*#human!!!#enough about how much dna you need to count as a time lord. i want to know how much they can mutate until they can’t be recognized as one.#does that make sense?
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personal growth is crazy because it seems like nothing has changed until you're crying because you don't want to die. you learn something about yourself that ten years ago would have actually killed you, and now you're thinking about what you can do to heal and make peace with it. nothing may have changed to you, but to the person you were however long ago, you are the "it gets better"
#guy who's very proud of how well he's handling things rn lol#anyways personal time:#but idk man i kinda remembered smthn from my past n#like. if it wasn't for how much effort i've put into my mental health n coping skills#n my support network now#idk id be in a much worse place.#so i'm gonna forgive myself for not really sleeping last night#n having a hard time with my bpd feelings n emotions#because fuck man! i'm doin really good actually!#growth doesn't have to be oh man i'm never ever sad anymore#it's just. idk i don't cry because i Wanna die anymore#sometimes i have an intrusive thought of suicide#and it makes me cry because i DONT wanna die. and i know those thoughts are not good or needed#but i'm not gonna beat myself up for having them. i'm just gonna be patient n gentle w myself#n give myself time#n everything will be okay(:#bc it is okay! it's in the past and i'm safe now. and i wanna make other people feel safe too#growth starts w baby steps. n that's why it's so hard to recognize in yourself a lot of the time#it goes slooooooowly. for me at least lol.#mine#despite everything i am happy because i know my life now is one i love (: and one im actively trying to better for myself
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my biggest irl secret is that at some point i started telling people i like drawing skeletons because i was too embarrassed to say i draw undertale fanart and that snowballed into getting more skeleton themed things which i liked but didnt really go out of my way for and now its not a lie anymore and whenever i need to buy something i will try my very best to find a skeleton version of it and now i’ve fallen to my self fulfilling prophecy of becoming the skeleton guy
#trousled rambles#its so funny to me now. i didnt wanna be cringe but now im just weird in a different way#there is an actual plastic skeleton (his name is roderick) hanging from my bed in my dorm rn. my roommate gave him mini sunglasses#that bed also has skull shaped string lights under it#half of my tshirts have skeletons on them#i have one ribcage hoodie and have been trying for several years now to get another one for my birthday#i have one singular necklace that is not skeletom themed. my favorite necklace is a cat skull#the only reason i dont wear my shoes with skeleton feet on them is because they hurt my feet#listen. people will tell you not to let lies snowball but they never tell you it can actually be so fucking funny#its not even a lie anymore this is just genuinely who i have become#this lie has consumed me and im better for it#EDIT I FORGOT ABOUT MY SKELETONS SHOWER CURTAIN AND SKULL SHAPED SOAP DISPENSER AT MY HOUSE#AND HARVEY!!!!! MY OTHER PLASTIC SKELETON IM SO SORRY HARVEY YOU WERE TOO HUMAN SIZED TO BRING WITH ME#final edit. i also forgot my jack skellington mug that i'm using as a pencil holder#look when you accidentally give yourself a niche of easy gifts for people to give it is your civic duty to lean into it as hard as possible
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