#cause it really adds to the intensity of the decision of whether you should trust jack or fiona

[krotiation]

this soundtrack genuinely makes me so emotional like damn. the jack vs fiona scene at the end of ep 2 is already so perfect and then they had to go make this beautiful as hell ost with it too. those bastards

[genoc1d3r]

my turn to cry - thoughts on 3-1b

ok this has actually gotta be my favorite chapter cause holy shit so much stuff happened.

I played the Alice/kanna route and afterwards I watched a vod with the reko/shin route in which ranmaru and naomichi died before the banquet, so BIG SPOILER WARNING FOR BOTH ROUTES

Mafia Princess Sara??: Ok so first off, back in the beginning of 2020, I had a theory that Sara was a mafia heiress and that the death game was supposed to be something to “prepare” her. And that her memories were wiped or she was initially supposed to be kept blind to this whole thing (In 3-1a when everybody saw the consent form for the very first time everybody felt a sense of deja vu, except for Sara. Because why would they need her consent when she is the sole focus of the game and it’s all for her) This theory was mainly supplied by my confusion surrounding the hiring of Kai, cause why would mr Chidouin hire a former assassin to protect her?? How did he even know Kai??? But yeah, the whole thing with Shinobu Gokujo and deciding a new don through a death game just adds a lil more validity to this theory.

Sara’s real father: I also had a mini theory that Gashu Satou was her real father, but that was mostly cause of their hair color and how it would def make Sara’s hair color make more sense genetics-wise (but kai has black hair, so its most likely that his mother had black hair, which would also disprove this mini-theory but yk im not here to prove it just talk about it). And that Gashu knew of Mr. Chidouin and gave Sara to him, and it would also explain why mr Chidouin chose Kai of all people to look after her and why Kai could only watch her from a distance, in case she realized the truth that he was her brother/half-brother or something. 

GREENBLINGS CANON AAAAAAAA: I love this, I love this so much oh my god. Now I can replay and cry after 2-2 cause nankidai hates us :’). I dont have an issue with this specifically, I’m just a bit bothered by how the whole thing went. There was some buildup yea, and the cg with kanna, kugie, and shin was amazing. And that lil bit about nice hallucinations made me tear up a bit. But, then everybody kinda just moved on? and idk this whole chapter was a fuckign roller coaster I could barely keep up.

Autistic Gin <3: I’m autistic myself and I have seen many characters who are autistic-coded or exhibit many signs of autism but have never been straight up confirmed (Ex: Vera Misham from Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney). And even then, these characters usually share similar personality traits like being aloof and reserved. So it’s nice to see that Gin is representing autism in a relatively realistic manner with his hyperfixations, vocal tics, and issues with socializing. Even after nearly dying like 17 times he’s still doing well and I genuinely wish for his survival and happiness.

Ranmaru’s death: Both of Ranmaru’s deaths, (if you or if you don’t fail the electricity absorption minigame) the death feels so... off? I was really attached to him as a character, yet his death didn’t impact as much as Joe’s or Nao’s did. During his Banquet death, one second he had his really cute smiling sprite but then whoops oh no guys weird drill screw thing kills him (again). I still can barely comprehend it because it all just happened so fast. Like no cg or anything. I was honestly kinda disappointed. The “delayed” one does a better job at his death scene, but again, it was wayyy too quick and completely dismissed as everybody just moves on to defeat Maple 2.0. I at least would’ve appreciated a better transition than Midori just saying “well anyways–”

 Ranmaru’s extremely quick descent into madness in the shin route: I actually liked this idea of Ranmaru willing to go to such extremes for Sara. However, theres barely time for any of this to develop? Like again, everything just happens so fast??? I would've definitely liked if there were little hints around before the body discovery that ranmaru was gonna do something like this, just a little time for development would really be cool.

Mr. Policeman/Mr. Tazuna???: After I finished, I actually looked on the wiki to see if it said anything about his son that he mentioned and I found this: 

But yeah thats cool

The thing about Q-taro: I’m gonna say it now, I’ve liked Q-taro ever since the aftermath of 1-2, and Q-taro haters have added absolutely nothing to this fandom. Everybody saw him as a child-hater, I see him as a guy who’ll do anything to survive and succeed. I mean that wish is kinda what got him into the death game. And yeah he did try to leave that one time, but that’s what getting thrown into traumatic killing games does for you, most people don’t want to die, they want to live, no matter what it takes. We can’t all be the main character and choose to cooperate with everybody and be the “good” person in that situation. Even Sara has those extremely selfish moments and those intrusive thoughts of winning and leaving. 

This whole thing should also be applied to Ranmaru. Ranmaru has gone through so much shit in such a brief amount of time, to the point where he was considering to/actually kill people to escape with the one person he trusted in this hellhole. In that situation, Sara’s kinda at fault here, cause without Joe she’s lost her sense of morality which resulted in her becoming selfish and well... honestly kinda toxic. This emotional manipulation is really what set Ranmaru off, however it was 100% his decision to fucking kill somebody and murder’s bad. Still love him though.

But back to Qtaro, I really enjoyed the extra substance given to him in this chapter, it’s nice to see the development from being selfish to feeling deep remorse to protecting the dolls of the first trial victims, most notably Mai. As he completely forgives her for stabbing him. The chapter did a great job at fueling my already intense love for Q-taro (and it actually convinced my best friend who claims to hate Q-taro with every bone of her body to like him too!) I also love the father-son dynamic between him and Gin. I find this relationship to be really important cause Gin’s father is an abusive alcoholic and Q-taro’s an orphan who’s never had a proper role-model in his life. So it’s beautiful that despite not having anybody there for him when he was younger he can still be a good figure for another child.

Predictions/hopes for the next part: 

I just want to see whether Shin already knew about Kanna being his sister, and if he doesn’t I want a reveal. Right. Now.

A Ranmaru/Joe/Q-taro/Kai/ “Hinako” revival, p l e a se  they died so soon

More info about the people involved in the Hades Incident/Shinobu Gokujo

More info regarding Meister

Sara going on Maury

Who tf is “Hinako”????

I really hope that there isn't any specific good/bad ending. Like I want every ending to be equally bad and good yk? like equal consequences and good stuff.

Yo wtf happened to Sara’s mom?? Is she gonna come back and play a more important role in the story?? Are her parents gonna come back as floor masters???

I want things to actually change  depending on whether you picked Alice or reko, cause so far they’ve played extremely minor roles.

[hongism]

mists of celeste ➻ 36

➻ pairing: ??? x fem reader ➻ genre: space au, pirate au, space pirate!ateez, angst, smut ➻ Word Count: 17.2k ➻ Rating: M ➻ Warnings: language, violence, guns and weaponry, blood, chapter specific warnings: talks of torture, psychological torture, mentions injuries/infections, mentions of past abuse ➻ summary: Sneaking aboard the ship of a renowned space pirate may not have been the best idea, but you’ll have to make do with what fate has handed to you

⇐ previous | next ⇒ | masterlist

✧✧✧  act five ➻ part three

​​​​

“I need to talk to Jisung. I… I have some questions about my past.”

“I’ll go with you then,” Yeosang offers without missing a beat, and he steps into your space. “That Spectre can’t be trusted enough to be alone with you. It’s bad enough that he’s being left alone right now.”

“Just yesterday you were talking about how much you hate me,” you scoff, turning away from the door to stare him in the eye. “Now you’re wanting to protect my every movement?” A huff of air passes through the man’s lips. For a moment, he refuses to look at you, and you think he’s going to choose to ignore you rather than respond to the question.

“Having Wooyoung speak to me through you put things in perspective a bit,” he admits. He drags his tongue over the front of his teeth, then shifts to face you without resistance this time. “If there is even the slightest chance that your death could negatively affect Wooyoung, I have to make sure that doesn’t happen. Don’t worry, I still hate you. I can’t stand you one bit, and I wish that I had a damn guarantee that you getting hurt wouldn’t risk Wooyoung’s safety because I could care less about looking after you on top of all this mess. Besides Wooyoung — he asked me to look after you, and my feelings about you are meaningless compared to what he wants.”

You haven’t had much of an opportunity to think about all the ways in which you and Wooyoung could be connected. While there is no guarantee that harm to you would harm him physically too, Yeosang does have a point. Just the chance is enough to be wary about. The same could be true the other way around in turn — anything they do to Wooyoung could potentially hurt you too, but there is no possible way of confirming that at this point in time. All you can do is wonder whether you will be able to see him and the others when you sleep next, should you even be able to sleep because it doesn’t sound tempting at all after what you just had to go through.

Your dragging hesitance must bother Yeosang to some degree because he huffs out another sigh and steps around you to lead the way out the door. You shift to follow him, stepping forward into the corridor only to run face-first into the Elitist’s back in less than a second. One peek around the curve of his shoulder tells you why he’s stopped so suddenly, and it’s none other than Jongho who stands before the two of you in the hall.

“Oh good, perfect timing. We need everyone to the medbay immediately,” Jongho says with a short nod, looking past Yeosang to give you a glance as well.

“Did something happen?” You ask in response.

“Hongjoong woke up, and he asked to see everyone.”

“He woke up? Why? No, no — how is he up?” Yeosang is the one to begin rambling, and he doesn’t stop there. “There were no signs of changes in his condition. I thought Yunho said it could be another several days before he woke up?”

“I don’t know either honestly.” Jongho brings a hand up to drag his fingers through his hair, pushing the locks off his forehead for a moment before they fall flat against his face again. “I came straight away the second Hongjoong gave the order. I don’t even know what the situation is quite yet.”

“Your conversation will have to wait then,” Yeosang murmurs. The two of you exchange a small nod, although you can’t say you’re too upset about having to postpone the conversation with Jisung.

“Conversation?” Yeosang steps around Jongho as the Berserker asks the question, and you are left to regard each other with confusion while Yeosang starts a path down the corridor.

“I was going to talk with Jisung about some things,” you explain, ducking your head to avoid the look Jongho gives you. It’s not one that causes any discomfort — moreso there is too much sympathy in that expression he wears, too much underlying pity that makes the pit in your gut deepen further. “Later. It’s fine, nothing pressing.”

Jongho reaches a hand out and takes hold of your elbow. The touch is delicate, probably one meant to offer some sort of comfort and nothing more, and that’s exactly what it does. Moments later, you are walking after Yeosang with a much lighter feeling swelling in your chest that you can’t pinpoint or explain.

When the three of you reach the medbay at last, Yunho stands outside the doors, hands close to his chest as he wrings them together without cease.

“Why aren’t you inside with Seonghwa?” Jongho asks upon seeing the healer.

“Hongjoong asked — he asked for a minute alone with Seonghwa.” Yunho blinks furiously as he speaks, and the motion of his hasty blinks is nearly dizzying in its frequency. “Under normal circumstances, Seonghwa would be the one to inform Hongjoong of the situation but… but Seonghwa still refused to speak even after seeing Hongjoong awake. He — what the fuck happened to the two of you during the night?”

You know the question is directed at you, but it still catches you unaware nonetheless. You can do nothing but stare back at him with wide eyes as the words process along with Yunho’s shaken-up disposition.

“I’m not sure,” you mutter. Yunho purses his lips, and a small exasperated sigh slips through, enough to show his annoyance with your answer, but Jongho steps in front of you before the healer can say anything. “I recall having a nightmare of my own but Seonghwa wasn’t there with me — I, no, that’s not — I mean he wasn’t—”

“Seonghwa had a nightmare,” Yeosang interjects, saving you from the moment of panic and from further fumbling with your words. “I managed to coax a bit out of him while you and Jongho were talking with Y/N. He had a dream that he was choking which is why he stopped breathing, and because he was so deep in the nightmare, he couldn’t wake up when Y/N tried to get him up the first time. You ended up startling him out of the nightmare and back into consciousness.” It could be a complete lie on Yeosang’s part, but it is logical and adds up in your mind to make some amount of sense. It saves your ass for certain, and that’s all you could ask for given your awkward and helpless fumbling. Yunho, however, doesn’t seem pleased with the response based on the way he shakes his head.

“That doesn’t add up,” he mutters, arms coming to fold over his chest. “Whatever he was dreaming about had to have been more traumatic than that since he had no other symptoms that lined up with other causes of shock. Trauma is the only logical option given what state he was in. Shock… it’s not just a quick jolt, it’s a critical condition brought on by a sudden drop in blood flow through the body. So trauma, heatstroke, blood loss, allergic reactions, infections, poisoning, burns, those sorts of things. His organs were not getting enough blood or oxygen, but just physically I could not see any sort of physical causes proving that. I can run some poison checks, but that truly wouldn’t make any amount of sense.”

“Even if it was something merely traumatic, what makes you think that he would ever want to talk about it with someone who always seems to want to pick him apart for every decision he’s made in life?” Yeosang levels Yunho with a glare so intense that you can almost feel the spike of tension in the air between them. “He was unresponsive with you for a reason no doubt. Maybe you shouldn’t have criticized him so much for decisions that didn’t involve you.”

“He involved me the second he started complaining about the arrangement betwe—”

“That’s enough,” Jongho cuts in, and he lifts a hand to rest atop Yunho’s arm. “Let’s not get heated right now. I can confirm that the emotional aura coming off Seonghwa’s body was something far beyond even a moderate level of trauma. Just being with Hongjoong in there is already helping some, but it will likely take some time for him to recover.”

“This is the worst possible timing,” Yunho sighs. “With tensions already high and everything… right when we need Hongjoong and Seonghwa the most, things like this have to happen?”

“Hongjoong is up now though, so that won’t be as much of an issue any longer.” Yeosang has a valid point with that one. Although without Seonghwa… you don’t want to have to think about how things would be without Seonghwa in all honesty, and it’s hard enough to even conjure up the smallest of thoughts about it. “Has anyone had eyes on Han?” Jongho is the first to deny it.

“I still feel his aura in the spare room we gave him. He didn’t budge at all during the night prior to the incident happening so I don’t think he’s behind that either.” Jongho’s words are enough to bring an unsteady silence to the four of you. There is nothing that can be said really, and you understand that better than anyone. How could you even try to explain the things you saw in your dream? You aren’t sure what you thought you would say to Jisung either; that was moreso a spur-of-the-moment decision made in a panic, and it’s probably for the better that you don’t go see him now.

“I hate this,” Yunho mutters after the silence grows unbearable. “It’s too quiet without the others here.”

“We should enact a plan soon, especially with Hongjoong up,” Yeosang says back. “Seonghwa won’t want to take a break or any recovery time, so things should be business as usual from now on. Can’t we hurry this along a bit? I doubt anyone is going back to bed soon, so talking with Hongjoong now would be best, no? Discussing plans so we can catch up to the transport ship the others are on?”

“Just a moment, yeah.” Yunho dips into the medbay. When the door slides open, you catch a glimpse of what’s inside, for better or worse. Seonghwa resides on one of the beds, the one closest to the door actually, and Hongjoong is as well, body draped over Seonghwa’s like an extension of the man, It’s not anything inappropriate, nor does it seem to be in the way the smaller captain straddles his hips and clings to his lieutenant like his life depends on it.

Looking at them like this — something close, intimate, calm, peaceful almost — you nearly feel as though you shouldn’t be present. It’s a crawling sensation that spreads to your stomach and chest, eyes trailing over the places where one man meets the other, and if not for looking so intently at the scene before you, you would miss the hefty tear tracks over Seonghwa’s cheeks. One of Hongjoong’s hands curls through Seonghwa’s hair as the other wraps tightly around one of the lieutenant’s.

Hongjoong pulls his hand down from the other man’s head, brushing over the tear-stricken skin of his cheek. He is clearly looking down at the man but Seonghwa doesn’t look back. Instead, he keeps his eyes shut tight with a few tears spilling out the corners. And in the back of your mind, you barely process how much you hate seeing Seonghwa in such a state, broken and crying without relent, and you hate how you seem to be just fine in comparison to him. The two of you were in the same place, suffering the same fate of being put through nightmares, and yet you came out of it because Wooyoung saved you. Did Seonghwa have anyone there to save him?

It is pointless to think of that now, but it’s all that is on your mind as you watch Hongjoong’s lips move with haste, muttering words that must be meant to comfort under his breath. You are too far away to hear it all clearly, although a few words slip in here and there.

“You’re okay… here… we’re here… together, okay? It wasn’t real… trust… I’m here.”

Yunho clears his throat when Hongjoong still doesn’t pull his attention away from Seonghwa, but even that announcement doesn’t cause the captain to budge even a little bit. Instead, he continues his hushed whispers for a few more moments then lifts the hand that is still tangled with Seonghwa’s in a pausing motion.

“We’ll talk more about it later, yeah?” He murmurs a bit louder as he pulls back to glance over in Yunho’s direction. His gaze slips past the healer’s should to find you in an instant, and you duck your chin in a panic, eyes finding the floor. It’s the feeling of being caught doing something you shouldn’t or watching something you shouldn’t be watching, and seeing Hongjoong atop Seonghwa in such a way is the cause of that. Perhaps he expects you to be jealous and scowl at him, and perhaps that is exactly what you are supposed to feel, but frankly… it doesn’t make you envious in the slightest. You moreso feel content at the sight of them holding each other so closely, like Seonghwa is finally at peace with Hongjoong in his grasp and awake. Hongjoong is finally up, can finally comfort him, and Seonghwa can finally rest easier. Why would you ever want to take that away from him?

The sight of them so closely linked, however, brings up a fleeting memory from your foray in the Dreamscape.

“To think that at the time, my worst nightmare was merely existing.”

“And now?”

“Not being able to save Hongjoong from himself.”

Albeit briefly, you wonder if that might be what Seonghwa saw once the two of you were separated. Even moreso than that though, the more pressing worry on your mind is just how deep Hongjoong’s demons run for Seonghwa to be so concerned that it has become his worst nightmare. You don’t have any more time to think about it as Hongjoong slips off of Seonghwa’s body and props himself on the edge of the bed. Seonghwa moves to sit up as well only to have Hongjoong’s hand slap down on his chest and shove him back to the bed with little effort. They don’t exchange any words, but they don’t need to either with the way one corner of Hongjoong’s lips quirks up in a half-smile as he blinks down at his lieutenant. Perhaps Vladimir had a point in the backhanded comment he made in the arena — when you see the way Hongjoong gazes at Seonghwa, it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen or experienced before, like Seonghwa could do no wrong in the captain’s eyes, and like he’s the most precious creature in existence. Hongjoong slips his hand down to the inside of Seonghwa’s thigh, resting his fingers against the fabric of his pants just above the knee. It’s nothing… lewd or suggestive, nor does Seonghwa seem to take it as such, moreso a touch of comfort and nothing more.

“Well, are you all going to get in here or not?” Hongjoong leans to look past Yunho’s shoulder, regarding the rest of you with a stare that is enough to cause you to step inside. Yeosang does the same and comes in behind you, but Jongho doesn’t budge even an inch. Instead, he stays in the corridor with arms crossed over his chest and eyes darting down the hall every so often like he’s expecting Jisung to come bursting out at any second. Hongjoong waits but you have a growing suspicion that he’s not waiting for Jongho to come in necessarily. “I asked for the whole crew, Yunho. Where are the others?”

Does he not… did no one tell him of the situation?

Yunho inhales sharply but doesn’t manage to do anything more than that, teeth sinking into his lower lip. Yeosang, however, doesn’t let any silence drape over the room in the aftermath of Hongjoong’s question. He takes the initiative and steps forward with an expression so flat and even that you nearly believe nothing is wrong in the slightest.

“During the mission at the arena, Mingi, San, and Wooyoung were all taken captive and are currently missing in action. Vladimir was used as an instrument to get the ball rolling, but someone else is behind the incident. The three are aboard a transport vessel that is on its way to Dorado, where Mingi will be sent to a recreational facility to reprogram him back into the Brute of Kebos. San and Wooyoung were not the initial targets, so their fates and what will happen to them are currently unknown. We — we have someone aboard who is acting as a mole for us and gaining information from Vladimir, Han Jisung. He’s also eavesdropped on several meetings to get information about the transport vessel and the plans.

“Oh, I know that part,” Hongjoong hisses through gritted teeth. A flash of panic crosses Yeosang’s gaze for a split second, and the two of you seem to instinctively share in that panic by looking towards each other.

“H-How?” Yunho stammers.

“Why do you think I’m even up in the first place? A certain Han Jisung came in here and woke me up.” Seonghwa sits up without hesitation and latches a hand around Hongjoong’s shoulder. The captain doesn’t even have time to react before both Yeosang and Yunho are suddenly stepping closer to the bed and into his personal space as well. Your first instinct, on the other hand, is to twist at the waist and look towards where Jongho stands in the hallway.

“Did you sense anything? I thought you said he was in his room this whole time.”

“I… No, I truly didn’t sense anything. It must have been during the commotion in Seonghwa’s room. That—” the Berserker cuts himself short there, tongue darting out to wet his lips before he finishes the thought “—that was the only time I didn’t think to check for his heat signature. By the time I was certain the crisis was averted, Jisung must have gotten back to his room.”

Hongjoong shrugs Seonghwa’s touch off as best he can before pushes the man back to the bed with another gentle touch.

“Don’t worry. He didn’t lay a finger on me.” Even though the words are clearly directed at Seonghwa, they hold weight over Yeosang and Yunho as well, bringing both men a few steps back from the bed. “Han Jisung is the one you should worry about.”

And as much as you despise it and wish your brain did not catapult in that direction, you cannot stop the twinge of panic that surges through your veins. It must be strong enough to pique Seonghwa’s interest because however hard you try to conceal the emotion on your face, you cannot keep the Siren from sending a worried glance your way. You don’t wish to care for Jisung still, you wish you could just bury that part of yourself and focus on something else instead — something like Hyunwoo, who deserves more than what you gave him, but your mind clings to Jisung like a parasite. You aren’t sure it will ever let up.

“I left him with several pretty threats that were enough to deter him from doing anything foolish. But he in turn informed me of the situation from his perspective. I merely wanted to hear from you all to make certain he was telling the truth. So thank you, Yeosang, for sharing the information better than this Jisung character did. Although, he did tell me what they intend to do with Wooyoung and San. Wooyoung is set to be sold to the House of Lilies in the Upper Echelon of the capital, Lynder.”

“What the hell is the House of Lilies?” The name itself leaves little to the imagination, but you can’t exactly blame Yeosang for needing the verbal confirmation. This time it isn’t Hongjoong who answers, though, and for what seems to be the first time since waking up, Seonghwa opens his mouth to speak.

“It’s… a whorehouse for the top class of Lynder, typically only used by the military and head councilmen of the city.”

“It’s a fucking what?”

If they’re putting Wooyoung in a place like that, then you don’t want to imagine where they would put San.

“San. Wh-what about San? Do they plan to do the same to him or—”

“No, they have different plans for him,” Hongjoong interjects, cutting your thought into a silent breath of relief. “He’s slated to be put through regression therapy and built into the perfect assassin. After that, he’ll go into the military in the Upper Echelon of the capital. He and Mingi will be put in the same facility for their treatments, but Wooyoung’s deal is supposedly more immediate.”

“Regression therapy? That’s the worse possible treatment San could ever receive!” You don’t really need to hear the panic in Yunho’s tone right now; it only makes the gravity of the situation weigh heavier on your shoulders. If you could sink through the floor and disappear from existence entirely, that would be preferred, but alas, no matter how much you wish for it, you’re stuck in place. “That could undo every ounce of progress he’s made over the years! All that — everything, Hongjoong.”

Hongjoong’s tongue flicks out for a second, stabbing the corner of his lips harshly before retreating back into his mouth. He presses his lips into a thin line after that and refuses to respond to Yunho’s words.

Regression therapy. You’d heard of it during your stint with the military, a thing that was merely used as a threat for rowdy and unruly recruits who refused to do as asked. Only a threat because of how awfully traumatic it could be and how inhumane the public thought such a treatment to be. But the point was not to be humane then.

“They’d… use regression therapy to undo all that progress for a reason,” you murmur. The heat of five stares hits your body, and it’s almost overwhelming for a moment but you push forward to finish the thought. “Breaking him down into the husk he used to be is only part of the process. Once he’s put in the military, they’ll just wipe him of it either way, but to seem like they’re doing it consensually, they have to get him to go in there by choice. That’s how things worked on Eros. They threatened to bring back memories from before the wipe if you stepped too far out of line. They’ll break him, turn him into what he used to be, make him as deprived and desperate for even an ounce of freedom, then offer to take it all away.”

You don’t realize how hard you are gripping the inside of your right elbow until the pressure stings, but the moment you release your arm, that temporary grip on reality slips away and you fall into a vague flashback.

“Things will be okay, Y/N, I promise. It’s gonna be okay.”

Hyunwoo is the one to speak to you. Your attempts to reach out and grab him are futile as you quickly find that you are strapped to a cool metal chair that practically burns your skin. Hyunwoo reaches down, lips twisting into a soft pained smile, and he takes one of your hands in his own.

“It’ll only hurt a little bit. We won’t take much, just enough for them not to be able to track it back to you. If you don’t know then they won’t be able to pin the blame on you, and you’ll be safe. So we’ll only take what we need to, okay?”

“I-I don’t know who ‘they’ is.”

“You won’t need to know after this. Jisung is prepping the serum now.”

“I — Hyunwoo, I didn’t even get to say goodbye!”

“I’m sorry. This was the only way I could save you all. Maybe one day you will get to see each other again, and you can tell him the truth. And he can tell you the truth.”

“What fucking truth? You can’t do this now of all times, Hyunwoo! It isn’t the time to be cryptic and mysterious!”

“You’ll understand one day, Y/N. I promise.”

You pull yourself out of the flashback there, mostly because you’re so startled and confused as to why that memory slipped in. You were certain that you shared that conversation with Hyunwoo just before he walked to his death, not strapped to a chair with him saying such startling things.

“You’re right,” Hongjoong mutters, tugging you back to reality so harshly that you flinch. “Once they get on Dorado and conduct Wooyoung’s deal, they’ll separate Mingi and San. Probably place them in separate rooms: San to an isolation chamber, a large one no doubt. Mingi will most likely be placed in a much smaller one that will resemble the underbelly of the arena he grew up in.” Hongjoong pauses his thoughts there and shakes his head. “Han Jisung seems to know far too much about these plans and exactly what is going on. Why isn’t he tied to a chair in the brig right now?” Seonghwa opens his mouth to reply only to have Hongjoong wave his hand and dismiss the question entirely. “That isn’t important right now. What’s important is that we must keep any and all information found from henceforth away from Han Jisung. No plans, no musings, nothing whatsoever. That all stays between us as we cannot trust Jisung no matter what. I would rather keep a gun stuck to the back of that man’s head at all times than risk failure at this. Emergency rescue and recovery mission. We’ll talk further over the details soon. It’s best to get more rest now though.”

“I’d like to run some sleep tests anyways,” Yunho chimes in, and he turns to you before you have a chance to duck out of it. “Both you and Seonghwa. Don’t think I’d let you get out of it. Please just let me run a few tests, if anything only to make sure you’re okay.”

“Fine,” you mutter. Yunho doesn’t wait for you to follow him as he leads the way to another bed further down in the medbay. Sleep is the last thing on your mind right now, but you don’t have much of a choice as the healer sits you down and starts pulling wires and electrodes out. Hongjoong continues to talk to Yeosang a bit more, no doubt to decide on what to do moving forward.

“I’ll be hooking you up to a telemetry machine. It’s just to monitor your heart and see if there are any irregular happenings during the night. I’ll use it mostly to make sure it’s all beating properly and such while you’re asleep, but I’ll also place some sensors on and around your scalp, temples, chest, and legs, along with a small clip on your finger to monitor the oxygen in your blood. I’ll be here the whole night monitoring you both if any issues arise, yeah?”

“Okay.” You don’t make any efforts to hide the slight exasperation in your tone, and Yunho has the decency to at least pick up on that as he connects more of those sensors to your skin.

“I’m… I’m really sorry, you know. It’s — I know I have a lot to be sorry for and this one shitty apology won’t do much, but I am genuinely sorry,” he murmurs quiet enough for just the two of you to hear. “For all the ways in which I have been immature and hurtful. I did not act as a responsible or good doctor shoulder, but also from a deeper standpoint, I didn’t act as a friend should either, so I’m sorry for that as well. I want to do better and fix those mistakes but I don’t know how to right now. With all the stress we are under right now, I don’t want to risk making things worse by any means but... I can promise that I’ll try to do better.”

“I’m not petty like that,” you huff in reply. “Just you admitting that you did wrong and want to do better is enough for me. Just trying is enough. Maybe… try not to be a defensive asshole next time?” You dare to look up at the tall man’s face to gauge his reaction and are pleasantly surprised to be greeted with a smile.

“My goal is to avoid doing that again, yeah,” he laughs. His grin falls within a second, however, and he next brushes a hand over your hair with a small frown painting his thin lips. “You really gave us a scare. Hearing you call us for help only to go in and find you unconscious on the floor? We thought Jisung had gone in there and attacked you both. It was something out of a horror novel.”

You turn away as heat rises on your cheeks, and the only thing you can do to cover your embarrassment is cough awkwardly.

“I-I must have been so stressed and tired that I passed out right after.” That isn’t wholly a lie seeing as that’s what happened to Wooyoung according to Yeosang. Still, that begs a more pressing concern of what exactly happened on Wooyoung’s side of things for him to leave so suddenly. Perhaps the only good thing that could come out of this sleep test Yunho wants so desperately is the possibility of checking on Wooyoung and the others.

“You’re all set up now. You shouldn’t notice a thing unless we run into any issues, but again, I’ll be here to monitor throughout the night, and I’ll write up the scans in the morning.” Yunho pulls back with a smile.

“Thank you,” you mutter, settling back onto the creaky bed without further ado, but you know that sleep won’t come any time soon. So instead, you resort to watching Yunho make his way over to Seonghwa’s bed and repeat the same process he just did with you on the lieutenant. Yeosang dipped out of the medbay at some point apparently because he no longer stands before Hongjoong at the foot of the bed, and Jongho must have gone with him because the doors are now snapped shut. Hongjoong has his fingers curled tight around Seonghwa’s again, and once again that sense of distant longing seems to fall over the captain. He remains silent as he watches Yunho attach pads and wires to Seonghwa’s body. The feeling that next creeps over you isn’t one of jealousy or envy.

Your mind conjures up the image of San sitting at the foot of your bed like Hongjoong does with Seonghwa. San reaching a hand out to take hold of yours as he blinks down at you with concern. San brushing your hair out of your face and murmuring soft encouragements to you. Cat-like eyes and a dimpled grin gleaming above you like a whisper of hope.

It’s a painful reminder of reality: how San isn’t here and can’t be either. It’s a painful reminder that causes the corners of your eyes to sting against your will, emotions welling up so strongly in your chest that you double over to alleviate some of the pain there.

When you dare to look back at the bed, Yunho has walked around the side of the cot to stand before Hongjoong. Hongjoong’s free hand moves up to rest on the dip of Yunho’s hip, falling down to the top of his thigh for a fraction of a second then finding purchase on the mattress once more. Yunho pulls a stool forward and seats himself before the captain.

“I need to do a few more routine checkups on you too, just to make sure you’re okay since you didn’t rest as long as your body wanted. Eyes okay?”

“I can see you just fine if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Any pain in your ears? Ringing? The vibrations from the bomb will have shaken you up quite a bit.”

“No ringing, no pain.”

Yunho lifts a hand and rests it against Hongjoong’s forehead, pushing the blue strands up to lay his hand flat there.

“No fever either, that’s good. How does your throat feel? Your body should have purged the majority of the dust and smoke you inhaled by now, but I’m worried your throat might still be scratched up from it.”

“A little sore but nothing unbearable,” Hongjoong hums. He tilts his head from side to side as Yunho continues to worry over him but other than that, he seems entirely unbothered by the healer’s fretting.

“Ribs hurting at all? And your right hip?”

“Ribs feel okay, hip hurts like a bitch.”

“Yeah because you aren’t supposed to be moving around with a fracture of that degree.”

“I moved less than six feet.”

“You’ll move six feet under if you aren’t careful.”

“Because of the injury or because you’ll put me there for not listening to you?”

“I’m gonna write off that attitude as the concussion talking because I know you aren’t dumb enough to argue with me on this.”

“Head is fine too.”

“Then let me call Jongho back to help you get to your room. You can’t be walking that far on your own and—”

“I need to talk with Seonghwa a bit more first,” Hongjoong interjects, head falling in Seonghwa’s direction. Yunho cuts off with a small ‘o’, and his gaze flits over to where you’re reclining against the pillows of the bed. Hongjoong seems to pick up on that without prompting though. “She can stay in here, it’s fine. I doubt it’ll take longer than a half-hour, if you don’t mind waiting outside that long?”

Yunho pushes back on his stool, slipping away from the bedside. If not for looking so intently at the man, you would have missed the way his hands curl into tight fists against his thighs, but he doesn’t voice whatever is on his mind.

“Right, don’t take too long though; I know you’ve been resting a while but your body still needs to recover before you try to do anything drastic, and knowing you, that’s exactly what you plan to do as soon as you can. Y/N, Seonghwa — you two get some rest soon. I’ll be back to monitor in a bit.”

You don’t wait to watch Yunho leave the room because it doesn’t feel needed, but at the same time, you are trying your best to avoid any eye contact with Seonghwa or Hongjoong as not to intrude on whatever conversation they intend to have. You hear the soft click of the door and its scraping metal as it slides open, then a repeat of the same sound when Yunho steps out. The silence that falls over the room is so thick it could choke you. Hongjoong shifts on the bed again and scoots closer to Seonghwa’s head, a series of creaks following the movements. You crack an eye open to peek over at the pair. Hongjoong doesn’t lie down beside Seonghwa or anything, just sits there with a hand still wrapped around the other’s, and other than that neither move or speak. It’s only after the silence drags on for several minutes that Hongjoong decides he’s had enough and speaks once more.

“Do you want to talk more about it?”

“We should talk about the plan more first. If Jin is truly behind this, then we need something more… just something more.”

“He’s not. It can’t possibly be him behind this because he would have targeted you rather than going after Y/N. I don’t think he has anything to do with this, nor do I think he would stoop to kidnapping to get what he wants.”

“We are down three crewmembers and have an untrustworthy rat aboard,” Seonghwa hisses without missing a beat. “Jin could very well have eyes and ears on us and know how weak we are right now. You might be able to excuse him, but I know for a fact that kidnapping is not the lowest he would stoop to get what he wants. And I will not jeopardize your goals by being captured by him.”

Hongjoong extends his free hand to cup Seonghwa’s cheek, brushing over the smooth expanse of skin there with the pad of his thumb.

“I don’t believe that would ever happen. He would sooner have to kill me than capture you.”

“I’m… yeah, sorry, I’m simply worried. We’re headed to Dorado after all. Lynder of all places on that godforsaken planet too.”

“Why are you worried, hm? We shouldn’t be going anywhere near the Lower Echelon.” Seonghwa responds with a sharp shake of his head.

“Mother moved up to the Upper Echelon, remember? Three years back?”

“Are you calling me forgetful then?”

“You’ve always been forgetful, and you know it. You wouldn’t need me around if you could remember things.” That comment earns Seonghwa a smack to the shoulder, but you hear the huff of a laugh fall from Hongjoong’s lips before the lieutenant continues speaking. “The risking of seeing Mother is so high.”

“Are you… still afraid of her?” The question is hesitant in the same way that one would walk around a wild boar, like Hongjoong is afraid to set Seonghwa off in some way with the small question. “Hwa, you’re trembling. Is it too cold in here? I can get you an extra blanket if you—”

“No, no, shush, I’m not cold. I’m n-not afraid of her, I… I don’t want to be afraid of her, but in all those fucking nightmares, all I could see was red. I wanted blood, I wanted to kill, I wanted my hands around her throat so I could strangle her. And in all those dreams, that little voice won.” Seonghwa pauses and lifts a hand to touch Hongjoong’s cheek now, reflecting the other man’s actions from earlier. “I fear seeing the crew fall apart and not being able to save you from yourself more than anything else. Yet in those dreams, it was me who unmade each of them and ruined you. I’m… afraid of going to Dorado and not being able to hold back. I’m scared of killing Mother in a fit of rage and letting the Lieutenant of Death take over. I’m so afraid of hurting anyone on the crew, and I’m so fearful that I’ll bring ruin to you. I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive myself if that happens.”

Hongjoong’s hand comes down hard on Seonghwa's chin, gripping the skin and bone between lithe fingers, and he forces the man to look him in the eye.

“I won't let that happen. There is no way in hell I would ever let that happen. Even if I have to pry you off your own mother, I will make absolutely sure that that voice doesn't win, that those people who make up those rumors and disdain you so much don't win. I won't let you do anything you regret, Seonghwa.”

“Ha, as though you can promise such a thing,” Seonghwa mutters through a bitter laugh.

“I know. I can't promise much of anything, but I can give you my word and hope. That's enough for now. If all I have to offer you is one more day of hope, then I will continue to give you that for all eternity.”

The shorter man leans over the space between their bodies and presses his lips to Seonghwa's forehead, parting the hair that lies flat there to touch his skin.

“Don’t you ever regret letting me join the crew?”

“When it comes to you, I don’t think the word regret exists.”

It’s spoken with such a raw conviction that you feel your own throat closing up around itself. As your gaze falls over Seonghwa, you can clearly see the way the words affect him, from the way his lips part in wonder as he stares up at the man above him like he hung every star in his universe in the sky. Words fail him, but that doesn’t bother Hongjoong one bit as the captain tries to leave him with one more soft-spoken comment.

“Get some rest.”

He moves to get up and pull away from the bed, but Seonghwa's grip on his hand pulls him right back.

“Please don't go. I... I have both of you here with me for once. Please don't deprive me of this right now. Not when I've gone this long without you.”

“Whatever you wish, Hwa.” Hongjoong doesn’t fight back as Seonghwa tugs him down to his side, resting his head against his lieutenant’s chest once their bodies are pressed close. You don’t know if they’ve fallen asleep — the lights are still on in the medbay so it would be hard to fall asleep anyways — but you rest in the quiet with clouded and foggy thoughts. Twisting to the side, you turn to face the wall rather than look at that vulnerable scene any longer than you have to. You wish that could be the end of it, that the dismal conversations ended there with the two of them going to sleep, but Seonghwa’s tone rising up again in the silence disrupts that hope too.

“How much longer do we have to keep doing this? I get more and more tired with each day that passes.” Hongjoong hums a bit, and his next words come out rather slurred.

“I’m tired too. We’ll rest soon.”

“Aren’t we too young to be feeling this old?” There’s some humor to those words, but what Seonghwa says next eradicates that levity in an instant. “Jongho offered to take it away for me. Jongho, our youngest. He shouldn’t even have to think about taking our burdens.”

“That’s not the world we live in,” Hongjoong sighs. “That’s not a luxury we can afford. There is no normalcy. We don’t have and never will have any sort of normal family.”

“Family? Is that what this is now? The one you talked of wanting to find?”

“Yes… of course, this crew is our family without a doubt. One day when this is all said and done, we can settle down somewhere.”

“But?”

“But can we ever really be happy and content with settling down? I’ve been flying around space since I was born and as long as I can remember. Suddenly not doing that would be odd, wouldn’t it?”

Seonghwa laughs a clear and ringing sound, then seems to catch how loud the noise is and quiets himself to a softer chuckle.

“Then you can fly around space for all eternity if that’s what makes you happy.”

The bed creaks under someone’s movement, and you can only assume that it’s Hongjoong simply because he’s the next one to speak.

“Why do you keep doing that?”

“Keep doing what?” Seonghwa echoes softly.

“Every time we have this conversation and every time we talk of the future, you talk about it as though you won’t be there for it. Like you won’t see that future with me.”

“Stop saying foolish things, Hongjoong. We should be sleeping.”

“Seonghwa.” This time, Hongjoong’s tone is different. It’s something you’ve never heard from the man: a fragile sound that is on the verge of breaking and one that holds unspoken warning to it.

“Sleep, Hongjoong.”

“Seonghwa.”

That’s your breaking point. It’s too much for you to handle, the tone of their conversation has taken a drastic turn and you don’t want to hear anything else out of either of them simply out of fear. Even though you aren’t tired, you squeeze your eyes shut and internally beg for Wooyoung to let you in tonight.

…

As it turns out, you get your wish. You come to in Wooyoung’s body with a jolt and a gasp, although that sound goes unnoticed because Wooyoung yet again has full control over his body while you are left to sit back and watch through his eyes. The cell you wake up to is starkly different than the last; it’s much larger and brighter, fluorescent lights hanging on the ceiling, but that isn’t what draws your attention. No, the wall that consists only of thick metal bars and rings with the crackles of electricity garners all your attention first simply because of how loud the noise is but also because Wooyoung’s eyes seem to instinctively flit over the bars before turning further left. They are, thankfully, no longer chained to the floor like dogs and now seem to only have wrist and ankle shackles. It’s a significant step up from their last prison, and when Wooyoung finally pushes himself to his feet, you catch sight of Mingi resting on a small cot.

Wooyoung steps over to the Berserker without hesitation, hand dipping into a small bucket that’s full of icy water, and he pulls a rag from the liquid, wringing it a few times before laying the cloth atop Mingi’s head.

“How are you feeling?” Wooyoung asks. Mingi murmurs something in response, but it’s largely unintelligible, and Wooyoung must not pick up on it either because he strains his neck to get closer to the man. “Hm?”

“A b-bit better.”

“That’s g—”

A sharp rattle interrupts Wooyoung’s train of thought, and he jerks to look over at the shock wall. The door at the center swings open without warning, two men stepping through with someone hanging rather limply between their arms. If your heart could plummet right now, it truly would, because you would recognize that patch of white hair anywhere. The two men — guards from the looks of it — shove San into the cell, not caring to be mindful of the sides of the bars before pushing him against them without warning. San’s shoulder knocks roughly into the edge of the fencing as he comes through, and a bolt of shock sears through his body with surprising haste. The force brings him to his knees. Wooyoung lurches forward, darting out to grab hold of his shoulders and keep him somewhat upright.

“Be fucking careful! Are you paid to be idiots?” He shouts as he pulls San closer to his body. The stockier of the two guards sneers back at him.

“You’re next, slave. Watch yourself.”

Wooyoung responds by hurling a glob of spit at the guard’s feet, eyes narrowed to slits.

“You can take me once I’ve seen to my crewmates.” That comment earns him a sharp smack to the side of his head. San curls his fingers tight around Wooyoung’s side.

“Don’t make a scene about it, I’m fine,” he murmurs under his breath. He is far from fine, that much is obvious, because he can’t keep his body upright and his cheek keeps slumping down against Wooyoung’s shoulder no matter how much he tries to keep it up. The stout guard steps closer, arm poised to deliver another blow to Wooyoung, but he’s caught by his taller friend, who grabs him by the wrist before he can do anything else.

“They all need to make it to Dorado relatively unharmed or prices will down and we’ll get less of the cut from Boss.” That’s enough to pull the man away from Wooyoung, and he retreats back to the outside of the cell with his partner.

“You have ten minutes. Five if you make any other snippy remarks.”

Wooyoung exhales a small sigh of relief when the door slams back shut. He helps tug San to his feet and guides him to the bed beside Mingi’s. You’re grateful that Wooyoung won’t take his gaze off him because it gives you a chance to fully examine his current state.

The bruising on his face has gone down quite a bit, and just from that alone, you would say he almost looks okay. Still, his body reeks of exhaustion, and he clutches the shoulder that knocked into the shock wall even as Wooyoung eases him down to the cot. His dark circles are so deep that they almost seem to hollow his face, and you have an instinct to comb your fingers through his hair if you could because it’s a mess and so unkempt that you can barely see the white patch in the front. Wooyoung keeps pushing him down until San lies flat on the bed, and he doesn’t hesitate to peel San’s shirt up to his midsection. It exposes the awful bruising underneath, a colorful array of blues and purples that are ugly to look at.

“They’re gonna snap your ribs in two if they aren’t careful,” Wooyoung grumbles, tracing over the outline of the bruise with his index finger. “It’s already damaged enough.” San chokes out a laugh that has to hurt.

“That’s only the half of it. They could be doing a lot worse. At the very least, they don’t know shit about torturing people. I’ve been through worse and... and seen a lot worse in the past.” San’s hand darts down to the dip of his hip, where there’s a thin scar just by the bone. You recognize it in an instant — the place where Cara stabbed him back on Echidna and left him nearly dead. “They’ll have to work a lot harder to get anything out of me. They don’t like how quiet I am.”

“That doesn’t mean they really should work harder. You won’t survive that much. Did you manage to get anything out of them this time?”

San shakes his head at first then grips the front of Wooyoung’s shirt and pulls him closer.

“They were fumbling a little when I asked what the plans are. Mean one — shorty — he tried to shut me up but the other started asking questions too. Said he was just as confused and didn’t know what the boss plans to do with the two of us. They know exactly what would happen with Mingi but had way too many doubts when it came to us. They had to have wanted someone else. Maybe Scourge since he was in the arena with Mingi?” Hearing San call Hongjoong by that name sounds so foreign and stilted, but you know it’s just a way to protect as much of their identities as possible. Wooyoung draws his lips together.

“That doesn’t sound right. They would have had a clear path to both Mingi and Captain in the arena. Why wouldn’t they grab him then? When… when they take me, I’ll try to get more out of them. Clean — if you can, please clean Mingi’s wound again. The infection is almost fully fleshed out and his fever will break soon, but without anything to sew it up, he can easily get a worse infection if we aren’t careful.”

“Should it be gone within the next two days?”

“That’s up to his body and how it reacts to the rest of this process. Why?”

“I heard them say that we’ll be landing on Dorado in three days,” San mutters. He glances over at Mingi’s reclining body, teeth sinking into his lower lip. “If he’s well enough within two, then maybe we can work out a breakout plan.” Wooyoung glances between the Spectre and Mingi without reacting for a few moments then gives a small nod.

“We’ll talk about it more later. I’ll try to get more information in the meantime.” Wooyoung moves to step away from the bed, but San keeps him in place, fingers curling around the hem of Wooyoung’s shirt.

“Just — please at least cooperate a little bit. You don’t have to tell them shit, but don’t put yourself in danger simply out of pride.”

“I won’t.”

That is what Wooyoung says, at least, but his next action is surely one out of either sheer stupidity or an obscene amount of pride. He steps over to the shock wall and raises a clenched fist to the metal. Without a drop of hesitation and without flinching in the slightest, he raps his knuckles against the metal as though it’s nothing. You would think it’s nothing too if not for the waves of electricity that cascade through his body and in turn, yours. If it were you, you would pull back thanks to the shock, but Wooyoung doesn’t and only wraps his hand around the bars.

“You gonna come get me or not?”

“Fucking brat,” the shorter guard mutters, but he does exactly what Wooyoung wants and approaches the fencing to let him out.

“Try harder on the fences,” Wooyoung remarks, daring to drag his tongue over the front of his bottom row of teeth — a show of smugness that drives the guard mad.

“It’s not meant to incapacitate you, simply to keep little brats like you in check.”

“That was meant to keep me in check? Come on, that little shock didn’t even make me flinch in the slightest.” That comment isn’t what gets Wooyoung smacked upside the head; rather, it’s the huff of laughter that falls from his lips right after that causes the first guard to elbow him in the back of the head.

“Get walking, fucker.”

“When you gonna let me see the big boss?” Wooyoung grumbles as the pair sandwiches him between their bodies.

“He’s not around to have any meetings, especially not with the like of you. Busy with work of his own right now. But maybe one day you’ll mess up enough to get a meeting with the lieutenant thought.”

“What? This disordered bunch of scoundrels has a lieutenant?” Yet again that draws the ire of the stockier guard, and the man slams the butt of his gun into Wooyoung’s stomach. The impact is enough to cause Wooyoung to hunch over, bound hands grabbing the other guard’s thigh for support. The force careens both into the wall on accident, but Wooyoung doesn’t stop there. He fumbles around until his hand slips into the man’s pocket. Cool plastic greets him, something flat and rectangular, and Wooyoung latches onto both that and something else that feels vaguely like metal before pulling his hand out the pocket.

“Stay up, you rat,” the taller hisses. When he knocks his shoulder into Wooyoung’s, Wooyoung lets his hand fall near his own pocket, pushing both items he just lifted into the fabric. You can’t be sure that he knows what he’s just taken or that he has any sort of plan for if he gets caught with the stolen items. He doesn’t let anything slip through his expression though and simply rights himself when the shorter of the pair nudges him forward, continuing to follow them through the narrow corridor. The longer you walk, the more the interior and layout of the ship become familiar to you — from the dark grey walls to the solid doors with no peepholes. Your growing suspicions come to a grinding halt of realization when Wooyoung is shoved into a dark room that has one yellow-tinted light hanging from the ceiling. It sits directly above a reclining chair, and that’s a sight you would recognize anywhere. From the straps on the side down to the flat metal headrest — they must be aboard a military ship, or at least a former one given the pirate crew running it currently. But that chair and this room resemble the one you had your memories wiped in with an uncanny certainty.

Wooyoung doesn’t have a chance to resist before the two guards are shoving him further in and pushing him down onto the chair. Rough leather straps wrap tight around his torso and legs, then two more for each ankle and wrist once the first ones are secured. That, however, is all the men do for the time being. It seems to shock Wooyoung as much as it shocks you because he shifts to watch them as they walk over to the side of the room and lean up against the wall.

“Aren’t you going to do anything else?”

“Be patient.”

Wooyoung squints. His wrists twist a bit in the restraints, testing the tautness of the material, and when it doesn’t give any budge, he jerks harder against them. Two clear and mocking laughs resound in response. Someone comes up on Wooyoung’s left, one of the guards moving without warning to lean over Wooyoung’s body.

“We’ll do a few tester questions just to see how willing you are to talk, how about that? So… who do you work for?”

“Go fuck yourself, how about that?”

“Oh come on, you’re a slave, aren’t you? Why be loyal to a cruel master? Can’t you answer one simple question?” The guard reaches down to toy with the collar around Wooyoung’s neck. In an instant, every muscle in his body seizes up, and Wooyoung goes so far as to stop breathing entirely with the barely brush of contact. The pirate doesn’t stop there, though, and he slips a finger under the metal collar to touch the skin underneath. Pressure invades your head, like someone is grabbing your skull between their hands and squeezing with an obscene amount of force. Wooyoung thrashes and tries to jerk away from the contact, but the guard just loops his finger under the metal and maintains that same level of contact. Your head — or Wooyoung’s rather — begins to tingle and throb, ears ringing loudly with white noise as something else creeps up on you.

Please!

If you had any ounce of control over Wooyoung’s body, you would jerk your head to find the source of the sound, but as it continues, you realize that it’s not real. Not something that is truly resonating around you in the room right now. The voice is too young, too child-like, just a wailing noise that repeats over and over again without cease. A constant prayer of ‘please’ that fades into the background when the guard above Wooyoung speaks again.

“Now who do you work for?”

Please.

“Why the fuck do you want to know?” Wooyoung grits out. “I have nothing to gain from speaking to you about anything.”

Please, please, please.

Finally, the hand slips away, and Wooyoung gasps for breath like he’s never had air in his lungs before. His head lolls to the side almost the same way a ragdoll’s would as a sharp slap echoes. Pain sears over your skin, resonating through Wooyoung’s body to burn you too.

“This is why you’re going to the whorehouse. They can shut you up permanently with other things.”

“That kind of threat won’t work on me,” Wooyoung manages to murmur. His eyes roll back in his head as he slumps back into the metal headrest, chest still heaving to bring in air. “I’m not gonna tell you anything. If your boss w-wants info so badly… he can come take it himself. What’s the point of this anyway? Bring me to a room and ask me pointless questions? You already said you aren’t allowed to hurt the ‘goods’ too badly. And if I’m slated to go to a whorehouse — messing any physical features up would lower your cut dramatically. But the boss probably doesn’t pay you to be smart, huh?”

Red flashes through your vision then a fist careens into Wooyoung’s nose so hard that you’re certain it’s cracked in two. Warmth trickles down his nostrils and trickles into his mouth, leaving the taste of blood on the back of your tongue. The second man in the room pulls forward. He grabs his partner by the arm and tugs him away from Wooyoung as best he can before taking up the same position over Wooyoung’s reclining form.

“Listen here, slave, I really don’t want to be cruel to you, but there are ways to make you talk, ways that won’t… damage the goods as you say and will instead mess up that pretty little head of yours, so let’s just cooperate while you can, yeah?”

A sneer tears through Wooyoung’s lips, but he doesn’t fight back any longer, letting his head drop back to the headrest without complaint.

“You know who I work for already so I don’t need to tell you shit.”

The shorter of the two guards takes another step towards the chair.

“That may be the case, yes, but we aren’t after your captain. We need information on someone else… someone who was seen with you in the streets outside the arena. Someone you seemed to be close to based on the way you were protecting her, and someone who looked an awful lot like the Ghost of Eros.”

You can feel the way Wooyoung’s eyes widen. The same shock that courses through his veins rushes through your own as well. His tongue darts out to moisten his lower lip, dragging over the dry and cracking skin until it stings. He tries his best to hide that shock, but it’s too late, and the guards have already seen the flashes of recognition across Wooyoung’s features.

“So you know Miss Y/N then?”

“Yeah, we’re closer than you might think…” Wooyoung mutters, glancing off to the side and avoiding their prodding stares as best he can.

“Where is she?”

“Hell if I know.” Wooyoung tries his best to shrug with the words, but the restraints around his arms and torso keep him firmly planted to the cold metal chair. “In case you don’t remember, you kinda kidnapped me while I was unconscious and couldn’t see shit. Amazing that you managed to grab my sorry ass yet missed your precious little Ghost entirely, huh?”

That pulls the second guard forward, and he steps into Wooyoung’s space with a sneer of his own that is so vicious it causes Wooyoung to flinch away.

“We weren’t the dipshits in charge of collecting the packages. The ones who were hit a snag.”

Wooyoung manages to roll his eyes even as the guard presses closer.

“There’s nothing I can do to help you then. Your people crushed my earpiece so I don’t even have a way to contact her.” A finger comes down to tap against Wooyoung’s temple. It’s almost gentle in the way it brushes over his skin, but each tap comes harder than the last and you aren’t too foolish to ignore the threat in the touches.

“You will cooperate though, and you will answer our questions. Otherwise, we’ll have no choice but to crack that pretty little head open and take what we need instead. Unless you’d like to arrive at the whorehouse as a husk? That would make your job easier wouldn’t it?” A cruel grin twists over the man’s lips, one that you can’t bear to look at but you don’t have much of a choice because Wooyoung decides to stare him down with equal ferocity. “Now, when did Miss Y/N join your crew?”

“Who knows?” Wooyoung shrugs within his constraints. “I’ve never been good at keeping track of time.”

“Then what did she do before joining the crew?”

“Never shared any details about her life before meeting us.”

The pirate lifts his hand, and you’re almost certain that he is going to hit Wooyoung again but instead, he presses one index finger back to Wooyoung’s temple.

“You know… the other one was a lot more intense about these questions. Thrashing, angry, fuming at every mention of her name, so upset that we would even dare to ask about the little ghost. Why is that? Are they close?”

Wooyoung arches a brow. It takes a moment for you to realize that this man is talking about San of all people, but when you do, a wave of guilt hits you square in the chest. The thought of San being strapped to a chair like this and probed for answers about you and your past — having to experience it through Wooyoung and knowing that this is all because they captured Wooyoung and San in your place… it’s brutal enough as it is. More than that, it brings you back to that conversation you shared with San in the aftermath of your shared torture — the one where you sat opposite each other on his bed and admitted how afraid both of you were. How you were afraid to ever see San in that position again, and yet somehow… somehow not seeing it is worse. Somehow knowing that he is being put through this sort of hell and you are powerless to do anything to stop it is far worse than lying across from him on a sandy floor in an old warehouse with a crazed Berserker over you.

“Am I supposed to know the intimate details of relationships now? Why does your boss even need to know something of that nature?”

“Quit asking fucking questions.” It’s the more violent of the two guards who says that, and he steps forward to slam his elbow into Wooyoung’s stomach. “Do you wanna know what we did with your friend? Put him on this very chair and told him all the pretty ways we could fuck up that head of his if he didn’t cooperate. People like him… they have a lot of baggage. They carry weights on their shoulders that last a lifetime, and if you know how to manipulate it, then you can get whatever you want from them. And you—”

The man pushes a hand up the expanse of Wooyoung’s chest until he reaches the band of metal around his neck. Two fingers slip under the collar. Wooyoung presses his lips together so tight that they tremble under the force, yet that’s still not enough to keep a whimper from slipping out. It’s a mirror image of the Wooyoung you met upon waking up in the medbay for the first time, a mirror image of the terrified boy who plunged an anesthesia shot into your neck, the one you were certain was weak and fragile. You hadn’t thought of Wooyoung like that since back then, never imagined him to be weak after Yeosang mentioned how much he’s gone through and after witnessing his drive to protect the people around him. But now?

Now it’s just Wooyoung. There is no one in his immediate vicinity to protect, nor is there anyone here to protect him as you are stuck being a helpless bystander with no power or control over his body.

“You’re just like him, aren’t you? Burden after burden on your shoulders. Pretty little traumas to keep you awake at night. That… tough guy act where you pretend to be better than your crewmates — don’t you know how easy it is to see through that? You know your own worth, and that worth amounts to being nothing more than a filthy slave who will soon sell his body to others to get a bite of food at night. Can’t you see yourself doing that for the rest of your life? Why else would a broken collar stay around your neck?”

Broken?

Wooyoung has grown dreadfully quiet, and that tells you that the pirate hit the nail on the head with too much ease. Yet now that you think about it, the collar around Wooyoung’s neck is most definitely a shock collar, but you have never once seen it glowing with electricity or power in the slightest, which can only mean that Wooyoung truly is walking around with a dead shock collar at all times. That reality is haunting on its own, but that coupled with the continuous and monotonous cries in the background that beg ‘please’ over and over only make matters worse.

“We’re getting nowhere with this one. The last one was much more responsive when it came to these questions. We should just bring him back in and leave this one to rot in the cell with the Berserker.”

“O-Okay… yeah… let’s try that.”

Wooyoung doesn’t make some great escape when they pull the restraints loose, and for the first time since waking up in his body, you gain the sense that he is genuinely tired of fighting back against their advances. He lets his body fall slack in their grasp, allowing himself to be pulled from the chair and dragged by the elbows between their bodies. Albeit faint and dying, you swear up and down that you can still hear that faint child-like voice ringing in your ears.

“You really do suck at torture.” A bit of crimson liquid slips out the corner of Wooyoung’s lips as he speaks, leftover residue that dripped from his nose, and he spits it to the floor without a care in the world.

“The goal isn’t to torture. If we could harm you physically, we certainly would.”

Wooyoung doesn’t speak further than that and again you think it’s because he doesn’t have the energy in his body to do so. He settles for glancing around the ship extensively as the two guards drag him back to the cell. That is somewhat odd to you at first seeing as he’s had plenty of opportunities to look around the ship from the inside of his cell, but realization sinks in when Wooyoung nods his head towards an exit door on the way to the cell.

Oh… are you trying to help me? That becomes increasingly apparent when he scans each wall and corner like his life depends on it, and you do your best to commit every inch of the room to memory. If this is something of a military ship, you should be able to figure out a basic layout with Yeosang’s help if he remembers anything too. Wooyoung hums to himself as they reach the electrified gate to the cell, but he doesn’t do anything other than that until the taller guard shoves him to the floor of the cell. San darts forward, nearly tripping over his feet in his rush to get to Wooyoung’s side.

“God, what did they do to you? I told you to be fucking careful!” He hisses under his breath. Wooyoung quirks one corner of his lips up and flashes a quick wink in San’s direction.

“Hold onto this for the time being,” he mutters back, digging the small rectangular card and piece of metal from earlier out of his pocket. Wooyoung only extends the piece of metal, something small and indiscernible practically, but Wooyoung must find some value in it to pass it to San rather than the card, which is clearly a keycard. San takes the item without complaint but his brows are still tightly knit together in concern. “I need more information from the guards. I almost got ‘em.”

“You’ll get yourself killed.”

“Only a little beat up. Pain… pain is nothing to me, not this kind at least. I’ve felt enough to grow rather used to it after all this time, so don’t worry about me getting hurt. It’s all just my little show so they don’t go harder than I want them to. Just — take the time to care for Mingi’s wound while you can. I’ll be back soon.”

Wooyoung hoists himself up to his feet and presses the keycard between his teeth. He and San maintain eye contact until Wooyoung turns completely around to face the closing door of the cell.

“Can’t even focus long enough to keep track of your belongings, huh? Cheap guards for the big boss?”

There’s a clatter then the slam of the cell door resounds, and both pirates rush in to tackle Wooyoung to the floor. The shorter of the two reaches him first, knocking into Wooyoung so hard and fast that it feels like your brain is rattling against the confines of your skull. San pushes forward as well and intercepts the second guard with his arm.

“Stand down, San, stand down!” Wooyoung shouts, stopping the Spectre at just the last second before he punches the guard in the throat. “It’s okay, just let them take me. It’s okay. They can’t hurt me.”

“We may not be able to, but the Reaper is gonna make you fucking pay for such foolish actions.”

“The Reaper, huh? Is that the infamous big boss?” A hand curls through Wooyoung’s hair. With a sharp tug that nearly pulls the strands right off his scalp, he’s brought up to his knees.

“Yes, it is. You’ve quickly proved that you’re too much of a disobedient brat to be sent to the House of Lilies. Maybe we should send you through some rehabilitation too with your little friends, yeah? We’ll take good care of you until the Reaper comes back to the ship though.”

Wooyoung collects a bit of spit on his tongue then slings it at the guard’s face, a bit of crimson mixing in with the saliva.

“We’re counting on it.”

Right then you feel Wooyoung directly contacting you in his consciousness, a small push and pull on the edges of your mind, and he drops his chin to his chest so quickly that you think he’s passed out on the spot. It’s enough to deter the guards and their focus on him for now, and he cracks an eye open to stare at the floor as they drag him down the hall yet again.

“Y/N…” he whispers under his breath. “Y/N, take that info back to Yeosang. Give him that name too. The Reaper.”

You want more information than that, but Wooyoung’s consciousness knocks hard against yours, and the vision before you fades to black, cutting any hopes of getting more from him drastically short.

All that you’re left with is fogged thoughts and that name shining clearly at the forefront of your mind: The Reaper.

…

Han Jisung.

Never did you think you would see him again, and that still hasn’t sunk into your bones yet. The feeling deep in your gut currently is hard to explain. You aren’t sure you could ever make sense of it, but seeing that man, Han Jisung, a person you relied on so heavily for so long standing over by the observation window on the bridge of The Horizon feels like it should be something of a fever dream. Alas, it’s not, it’s all very real and very tangible, and you don’t realize how long you’ve been glaring holes into the back of Jisung’s head until Yeosang clears his throat from beside you.

The two of you sit near the comms station, and you’ve made a home for yourself sitting atop the desk as Yeosang sits at the chair before it. He has his bound journal set out on the desk, pen in hand as he scribbles over the pages. Jongho is not far away himself: he stands closer to the captain’s seat, and none other than Hongjoong himself sits in that place, back steering the ship as he usually does. Seonghwa is nowhere in sight — still down in the medbay with Yunho for further observation since his condition was much more critical than yours. All you can hear is the faint rumble of the ship’s power systems and air passing through the air filters. The silencing should be deafening, but it gives you more than enough time to process your thoughts while you can.

That blessed silence is interrupted within seconds as Yeosang’s chair scrapes hard against the metal floor and he scoots closer to where you’re perched. You follow his movements, twisting at the waist to lean over the empty space between you and offer some semblance of privacy for the ensuing conversation.

“So, according to what you saw last night, I drew up a basic sketch of what I think the ship’s layout looks like,” Yeosang mutters, exposing the pages of his journal to you. “Two exit doors in the room with the cell. They took Woo to a small room that had a single reclining chair and medical equipment. Potentially a former military ship, although from the sounds of it, it must be a rather old one. Since they’re headed to Dorado, I would assume it’s a Doradian ship that they jacked.” Yeosang pauses to scribble a few more unintelligible words on the paper, writing twisting and curling in a way you’ve never seen before. “We still don’t know why they want you… but San said they’re at least three days out to Dorado. With the speed Hongjoong is flying at, we won’t catch up for another four days though. Most of the flight will be pushing through the celestial barrier between Aurum and Geofflan, but we can’t burn extra fuel without having to tap into emergency reserves.”

“So then what? The exchange is supposed to happen soon after they land so there’s no way we’ll be able to catch up and break them loose before then,” you reason. Yeosang manages a small nod, avoiding the stare you send his way as he continues to scribble in his journal.

“We at least know the main location will be the capital, Lynder. And we know that Wooyoung is slated to go to the House of Lilies — if this Reaper figure doesn’t change his mind, that is — but Mingi and San will be sent to separate rehabilitation facilities.”

“That’s bad for the rest of us then. Once they’re separated, we have a higher risk of failure.”

Yeosang presses his lips into a thin line and hums softly. “But once they’re out of this Reaper’s hands, they won’t be his responsibility anymore. Mingi will, since they plan to transport him back to Kebos once he’s ready, but Woo and San are being sold independently. We should aim to take them back after the deals go through. That way the Reaper can’t cause issues because he will already have his money. A whorehouse won’t mind losing someone unless they pay a great deal for them… I don’t know how Dorado operates in terms of military regulations and such. Or even how important the military is to them. We’ll have to be quick to get San back, won’t we?”

You give a quick shake of your head.

“They plan on putting him through that regression therapy first so we will have time before they try to wipe him.”

“If, and only if he’s strong enough to withstand that torture.”

You ball your fists tight around the leather of your pants.

“He’ll be strong enough.”

“There’s no way of knowing what they’ll do to him once it’s time for that regression therapy, and we won’t be able to do anything for him if he caves early.”

“Then we should prioritize him and get to him first,” you argue, forcing your tone to stay as low as possible. “Either we have faith that he will hold out as long as possible or he’s the first one we rescue.”

“And how confident are you that he can handle that level of torture? I saw many recruits be sent to those wiping chambers in my time as a prince. None of them lasted longer than fourteen hours on the table. Either due to a weak constitution or the sheer level of trauma they were forced to go through. Knowing his past and what traumas they could awaken, how confident can you be that he will last longer than that? I don’t want one slimy fucking mongrel to lay a hand on Woo in that whorehouse, and he will be easiest to recover so we need to prioritize him if that’s the easiest option. If San reaches a point where he wants the serum, then what? We have another Mingi dilemma on our hands?”

That question stops you in your tracks. You hadn’t dared to think that far ahead simply out of fear that it could be a reality. It does take you back to the one and only time you and San spoke about the issue the serum posed though, for better or worse.

“If our positions were switched, would you be okay with it?”

“I can’t pretend to know what that experience was like for you or how deeply it affected you. If I were the one who had used it before, and I was aware of it like you, I know that I would be selfish at the end of the day. I have mentioned it before but I wish to cling to you for as long as I can. And though it’s — though it goes against my morals, I would not want you to take the serum because I can’t bear the thought of you forgetting who I am and how I feel about you. I know that sounds a bit bold, especially given your relations with Seonghwa, but… I would say the same to any member of the crew — save for Yeosang perhaps. You all are special and valuable to me in unique ways, and the thought of any of you losing any memory we share is too much for me.”

“Would you expect the same of me in return?”

“I would only ask that which I would ask any of the crew. To do what is right by your own standards and not by anyone else’s. We’ve all been slaves to other people’s whims and desires for too long. I would never wish to put anyone through that again, and even something as simple as pushing my opinion onto you would be unfair.”

And here you sit now coming to the gross realization that you cannot be okay with the thought of San forgetting who you are. You cannot live in a universe where he loses every ounce of work he’s put in over the years, the relationships he’s built with the crew, the things he has had to survive — you cannot bear the thought of it becoming meaningless and futile in the face of simply forgetting it. Because now, as you struggle on your own with these hazed memories that have no true place in your mind, you know that you could never wish that on anyone. Not knowing your past is a horrid fate, but losing all the pieces you’ve put together is a fate worse than death.

“There’s no way in hell I am ever going to let them give San that serum, even if it’s what he wants.”

Yeosang huffs air through his teeth but doesn’t comment further than that, and you take it as a sign that the conversation is concluded for now. When you lift your head again, movement from near the observation window catches your eye, and none other than Jisung himself stares over at you with eyes wide and searching. Like not a thing has changed in the past few years, and like those broken memories that plagued your dreams were nonexistent altogether.

Whatever comes over you is compelling enough to pull you off the desk. Yeosang follows your movements with his eyes, lips parting to ask what you’re doing, but you stop him by dropping a hand to his shoulder.

“There’s something I can’t wait on anymore,” you murmur. That is all the explanation you give before forcing your feet to move towards Jisung. A soft laugh echoes through the bridge as you draw closer to him, and Jisung greets you with nothing more than that and a rounded smile at first.

“Took you long enough to come speak to me like this. All those years of knowing each other for what?”

“For you to tell me the truth now.”

“Hm?”

“Hyunwoo told me before he went off to die that one day you would tell me the truth. So what is it?”

A frown paints Jisung’s lips.

“What are you talking about? Hyunwoo never said anything of the sort.”

“I distinctly remember it, as well as being strapped to a chair with Hyunwoo over me saying that they would only take a little bit. And I’ve been having odd dreams of memories that I have no recollection of. So just what the fuck happened to me before leaving the military and killing the king? Right now I don’t have anyone alive who can tell me that except for you, Jisung.”

Jisung folds his arms over his chest, eyes turning to narrow slits as he glares forward at you. Then, he slowly extends his right arm and poises to place the back of his hand to your forehead.

“Watch it.” You don’t need to turn to know whose voice that is, and you half-expect to turn and find Jongho at your side in the blink of an eye. However, when you glance back over your shoulder, Jongho is still beside Hongjoong’s chair, and the captain’s hand is placed ever so delicately in front of his chest that it hardly blocks the Berserker from moving. It’s moreso the gesture that keeps Jongho in check, and no matter how unhappy he seems with the order, he follows it without complaint.

“I have no intention of hurting her at all! Come now, would you take me for a fool? You should all know better seeing as the bargain I made in helping you was for her safety.”

“She might have made that bargain with you, but you made no such deal with me,” Hongjoong states without batting an eye. “And I will not allow you to force her to leave my crew, even if you have come to an agreement.”

“She made the agreement knowing full well what it would entail and because it’s what she wanted,” Jisung counters. His arm falls back to his side without touching you in the slightest.

“I didn’t,” you refute immediately. “I am only doing this for the crew, not because I actually want to be near you.” An almost feral noise tears through Jisung’s lips, and you flinch back just to put some distance between your bodies.

“After all the things I’ve done for you, all the sacrifices I’ve made, the risks I took to even make certain that you would make it out of that cell alive—”

Your body reacts before your head can catch up. Next thing you know, you have two fists curled tight around Jisung’s collar and are slamming him up against the observation window with a strength that surprises you as much as it surprises Jisung. Hongjoong must retract his hold on Jongho because suddenly the Berserker is at your side now, hand pressing hard on your shoulder. You knock his grip away without so much as looking at him; there is too much adrenaline running through your body right now, too much heat in your blood and fire in your bones, and nothing is going to stop you from taking out years of bottled-up frustrations on Jisung now.

“You have absolutely no right to dare to say such a thing. You don’t get to talk about sacrifice! The only person who took risks for me was Hyunwoo. The one who died In my place is the only one who gets to talk like that and claim that he’s made sacrifices. I buried you in my past the minute I was forced to dig an empty grave alone. You let me alone on that god-forsaken planet to bury an empty grave without so much as looking back! No matter how hard you try to justify it, there is nothing that will ever convince me that it was the right or fair decision to make! Anything you ever did for me — whether I remember them or not — it all pales in comparison to what Hyunwoo sacrificed.”

“Only people who die for you can sacrifice things? What of the people I killed for you? The innocent people I killed to keep your reputation untarnished? How much blood is on your hands, Y/N? You look at me like I am a monster but I am what you made me! Whether you like it or not, the truth of the matter is that Hyunwoo agreed to my terms. Hyunwoo is just as much at fault for what we did to you as I am. And what we did was necessarily because I guarantee if you remembered all the things you did, you would rather kill yourself than keep on living the way you are now.”

Your momentary shock is enough for Jongho to pull you off Jisung. He wedges himself between you and the Spectre, folding his arms over your hips to guide you further away from the man.

“It’s okay, Y/N. Stand down,” he murmurs. “You need to pick your battles, and this is not one for you to fight right now.” Again you feel that pull of warmth coming from him, like someone is trying to pull something from your chest, but it retracts almost instantaneously. Jongho falters. His eyes squeeze shut harshly, face contorting with something that almost looks like pain in your eyes, but that lasts less than a second before he’s recovered again. It’s not enough to stop the onslaught of emotions coursing through your veins.

“And what exactly is it that you and Hyunwoo did to me? Because I sure as hell don’t remember or understand anything! How long do you plan to lie to my face?”

“I can’t tell you,” Jisung says. There is a sudden drop to his tone, one that hits harder than it should. “As selfish as it may be, that is the one secret I will never disclose, and Hyunwoo would be a fool to ever believe that I would tell you what it is. If he wanted it exposed so desperately, then he can do it himself.”

You see red. It all feels like a blur yet simultaneously like the universe is moving in slow motion around you. You are hyperaware of the way you push Jongho out of the way to get back to Jisung, fist clenching so hard that your knuckles go white just before you sock the man in the jaw. The noise that resounds is disgusting and brutal, a sick crack that echoes in your ears like a battle cry.

“You don’t fucking get to talk about Hyunwoo as though he’s alive,” you growl, curling your fingers through Jisung’s hair and yanking his head back hard enough to make his neck pop. “You dipped off-planet without even seeing the execution through, without even waiting for blood to spill, so you have no right.” Jisung’s tongue darts out and wets the corners of his lips. “You have no right1” You repeat as though it will do any good. “You killed innocent people as though it was nothing! Was that all Hyunwoo was to you too? Just another bump in the road on your path to power?”

You swing for his face once more, but this time Jisung reacts before you can hit him. He pushes your hand to the side, expression relatively neutral compared to your own rage-filled one.

“I bet you couldn’t wait to see Hyunwoo die because that would mean the leader was out of the way and you could finally have that power you wanted! People would finally listen to you? Is that what you wanted? How could you do that to us, Jisung? We were a team, a family, you were all I had. How could you kill people in my name? Innocent people, who did nothing wrong killed for saying something trivial about me? How could you let innocent people be taken in my place? Wooyoung and San did nothing wrong! They don’t have that blood on their hands, they don’t carry the weight of that guilt on their shoulders, they aren’t bad people, Han Jisung! How could you? Why would you let that happen? Why would you put them in a place to be hurt and sold in my place? Who gave you the right to make that decision? You’re not some god!”

Jisung doesn’t move a muscle throughout your tirade, his face doesn’t budge nor does his disposition — it’s almost like yelling at a statue in an eerie and unsettling way. Then he speaks again, and this time it is with a haunting flatness to his tone.

“When have you ever known me to be cruel?”

“I-I thought the answer to that was never bu-but now I don’t know if I can trust that.”

Jisung blinks.

You inhale.

Then something hits your stomach so hard that you double over in pain, blind-sighted by the speed at which Jisung moves, and Jongho doesn’t have time to react either. Jisung doesn’t stop there though; no, he returns the favor and grips your hair close to the scalp to yank you back up to be eye level with him.

“I am merely… a cruel person, Y/N. I have always been cruel. And when it comes to protecting people I care about, there are no morals. There are no grey areas. There are no lines that I am not willing to cross. The universe has made me evil by taking everything from me, but I’ll be damned if I don’t get to have at least one thing I care about. And that one thing is you.”

Silence ensues. You don’t dare speak again; you aren’t sure you could even form words if you wanted to. Out the corner of your eye, you see a flash of metal and the barrel of a gun.

“If you so much as move a muscle, I will shoot you down with no hesitation.” You never saw the man move but that cold tone can only belong to Hongjoong. That suspicion is confirmed when Jisung releases his hold on your hair, letting you pull back and stand up straight once more. Hongjoong doesn’t lower his weapon even as Jisung raises his hands in surrender. “You call yourself cruel. Well, I am evil. Cruel, harsh, cold-hearted, and full of nothing but malice. So you can fucking bet that I won’t let you take her against her will. And if you even for a breath of a moment think otherwise, then I will put a bullet between your eyes and send you off to meet your maker.”

Jisung’s nose twitches as he sneers back at the captain.

“That’s not a risk you would ever take.”

“Ha, then you know fairly little about me, Han Jisung. I could sit here for hours and tell stories about the blood I’ve spilled, the blood my lieutenant has spilled, the things we have done as the most notorious and bloodthirsty pirates in the universe, or I could tell you of my own individual accomplishments. But if you truly think that I won’t do everything in my power to stop you from taking her?”

Hongjoong’s arm shifts and the barrel of the gun finds a new home, a new target.

On you.

Between your eyes.

Hongjoong cocks the hammer back. The click seems ten times louder than it is in reality. Jongho pulls closer to you, eyeing Hongjoong with a wary gaze.

“I can be evil if that is what you want me to be,” Hongjoong whispers, arching a brow at Jisung. “Such a thing would be easy for a man like me. But it comes with a price, and it’s one that you should weigh heavily. Take her against her will, and I’ll make sure the only thing you take is a corpse.”

“Good move, Captain,” Jisung replies. “I do so enjoy playing such mind games with someone who is actually of my caliber and on my level like this. Now, the move is mine to make, no?”

“You would treat her life as something as mundane and childish as a game of chess?”

Jisung clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. “Mind yourself, Captain. All I have to do is give the command, and my dogs will bite.” Hongjoong lets Jisung step around him and make for the edge of the bridge before lowering his pistol and returning it back to its holster.

“Han Jisung.”

Hongjoong’s words stop the man in his tracks, and your eyes find his in the brief moment of hesitation before he turns to look directly at the captain. Hongjoong doesn’t look back, at least not face to face because he merely glances over at Jisung through the reflection of the observation window. It’s an almost haunting sight, one that sends a chill down your spine and makes you stand up a bit straighter as you watch them level each other with glares full of contempt and malice.

“Hungry dogs are never loyal. They’ll eat with anybody who has food. And yours are ravenous.”

“The same could be said for yours, Scourge. Many wonder how much bending that Berserker can take before he breaks. Others say that the slave will turn tail and run the moment the doors of the whorehouse open. My money, on the other hand, is on the Spectre.”

If either man hears the audible gasp of panic that slips between your lips, they opt not to comment on it. Jisung’s lips twist a bit, curving into an ugly smile that makes you sick to your stomach.

“You’d be nothing more than a fool to believe that any of my dogs are not fed well under my care.”

“Is that what happened during your mutiny? Which dog were you, Kim Hongjoong? From the stories I’ve heard, you were starved to the bone.”

Hongjoong shows an admirable sense of restraint in that moment; he barely lets any emotion slip through his features or stance even though you are certain that he is just as shocked as you are.

“The weakest links are always the first to go. The ones with the most to lose, and thus… the Spectre will break first. Because whether you acknowledge it or not, I have something he is desperate to see again.” Jisung shifts to face you. His eyes glint under the fluorescent lights of the bridge. “What happens when you throw a hungry dog a bone?” It’s nothing more than a rhetorical question, one meant to scare you, and that it does because your heart clenches painfully in your chest and squeezes around itself until you can barely stand up straight. “He swallows it whole.”

You watch Jisung leave without daring to speak one more word to him. Hongjoong doesn’t move away from the observation window quite yet, and even as you look over his reflection in the window, you cannot for the life of you gauge what emotions are running through his body.

“Would you truly have shot me?” You ask before you can stop yourself. The adrenaline of having a gun pointed at your head with such little care for your life is not something foreign but to have Hongjoong be the person to do so… you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but his tone was far too resolute for that. But then, he shakes his head in denial.

“Never. I made a promise to keep you safe, and I made similar promises to the rest of the crew that no matter what, I would always do whatever is in my power to keep you all safe. To keep our crew safe. I am not about to let Han Jisung take that from my crew.” Hongjoong folds his hands behind his back. His boots scrape against the floor as he spins on his heel and heads back to the captain’s seat.

“What… what did Jisung mean by his ‘dogs’ if he works under Vladimir?” Jongho is the one to pose the question, and it brings Yeosang away from the comms station to listen in on the conversation better. Hongjoong tilts his head from side to side, letting a quiet hum ring through the room before speaking again.

“Did you truly believe that when Jisung told you that? I thought I taught you all to think more critically than that. After all, who in the universe could want you badly enough to kidnap and work with deadly pirates?” Hongjoong looks you dead in the eye as he asks the question. You scoff to deflect the panic it sends through your system.

“With a bounty like mine, it’s enough for anyone to resort to violence of some sort.”

“Word gets around quickly, and people hear things fast in our little world. Pirates are good at transmitting information swiftly. Which means that everyone already knows you are now employed by the Black Scourge’s crew. So I’ll ask again: who could possibly want you badly enough to cross me of all people?”

There is only one answer to that question, and that answer just walked off the bridge not too long ago. You can’t bring yourself to admit it with your words, although you don’t need to because Hongjoong simply continues speaking without missing a beat.

“Jisung made no mistakes. There were no missteps. When we were in the arena, there was never any intention of kidnapping you. There was no hesitation on his part, he knew what he was doing, he knew how to play into your hands. He made a deal with Vladimir — allow his own crew to get into the arena so that he could take two of my crew, then he would kidnap Mingi for Vladimir as payment. Because Jisung knew there was an easier way to get you since he knew what kind of person you are from time in the military together. He knew that if he took your teammates, you would not hesitate to sacrifice yourself for their safety. And thus, he made his offer: an exchange of you for your crewmate’s recovery. In reality, he was the one who took them intentionally in the first place.”

A smile twists at the man’s lips, one that is almost unsettling and disturbing, and you find yourself shifting your weight from foot to foot as you look down at him.

“I played right into his hands then,” you murmur, glancing away to grant yourself some semblance of peace.

“That may be the case, yes… however, once something is mine, I don’t particularly like letting go of it. If there’s one thing I have in common with such a person, it’s that. I am undeniably selfish, Y/N. And now that you’re here with me, I don’t intend to let anyone take you from my hands. If he wants you so desperately, then he will have to go through hell to get you, and giving people hell is my specialty.”

“Is that the same reason you pointed a gun at my head?”

“Every man has his price. I find threats to be quite effective in securing bargains and deals. Before I placed that gun to your head, he didn’t imagine I could be so cruel. And now… I’ve only confirmed every suspicion that has been eating at my mind since I woke up.”

“And those suspicions would be what?” You dare to ask, leveling the man seated before you with a stare that he regards out the corner of his eye.

“Han Jisung is nothing but a hungry dog, and I intend to make him bite.”

✧✧✧ a/n: haha? 17.2k WHO?! gotta admit this is my fave chapter i’ve ever written the ending hits im v proud of her ! what did i say i said she would be a long one but even i didn’t expect this i cannot lie well as i said i am dropping and yeeting (to sleep) but i’ll be here to watch my chaos unfold a bit first ;3 as ALWAYS let me know what you think, give me the juicy deets, the theories, the screaming, the ‘caly how could you’, and all that jazz it’s SO good to be posting a mists chapter yall have no idea how happy it makes me to do this again fogijdfiogaj, she’s heavily unedited tho so im sorry in advance for grammatical issues

taglist: @faeriewoobin @sugarrimajins @atinyinwonderland @sparklychangbin @jeong-uwu @jeonartemis @anothershorthuman @xxbluestrifexx @haotheheckk @noonawriter @lostscenarios @nlost21 @mirror-juliet @okokokok123-45 @purple-aeon @theoinkypiglet @toothlessshiber @atinyarmyx1 @simpforhyunjin @hwangwoosan @vampire-jimin @softyubi @drumboydowoon @chatsgotmytongue @just-a-starfruit @babydolljo @scintillating-souls @khjssss @felixity @rawrrainn @hewwo-from-the-other-side @icekdy @fuckjoong​

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

[fific7]

Your Soul is Mine

Sirius Black x Reader

@omgrachwrites 500 Follower Celebration

Angst prompt 13 : I want all of you - your body, your heart, your soul

Summary: Sirius Black is about to be claimed whether he likes it or not... forever.

Warnings: Swearing, spiking, coercion, jealousy, revenge, mentions of sex so 18+please, slight dom/sub overtones. Age of consent is 16 in the UK, sorry if that’s not in line with your own country’s/state’s laws.

A/N: I do not condone spiking or coercive behaviour but the reader’s a bunny boiler, sorry.

(My GIF)

Y/N Y/L/N was a proud and determined Slytherin. Ambitious, smart as a whip, cunning when she needed to be. And she had a temper. Boy - did she have a temper.

But when it hit, she would never explode. Instead she’d become deathly silent, eyes narrowing, lips pulling into a thin line, thoughts whirring, working out exactly how she would bring retribution down on whichever unfortunate soul caused her outrage.

And that was precisely her current condition. She’d been strolling down to the lake, intent on having a short break from studying Potions when, giving a little gasp of excitement, she’d spotted Sirius Black.

He was lying in the shade under under a tree. But ... not alone. He and a girl were entwined like vines, mouths locked together, her hands running up and into his famed wavy long black hair.

Before the rage ensued, Y/N felt the sudden & excruciating pain of a dagger to the heart.

Only two nights ago, Y/N had been the one entwined with him, that beautiful, awful boy - in his bed, in his arms, totally immersed in his sweet kisses and honeyed lies.

“Hey Y/N, of course you’re not like all the others - you’re so special to me.”

“Of course this isn’t a one-time thing!”

“I really think this is the beginning of something beautiful between us.”

Ah, yes. And, clearly, judging by the evidence staring her in the face, that meant being his fucktoy whenever his busy ‘schedule’ allowed for it. An intolerable position for a prideful Slytherin to be in.

Well, fuck that, Sirius Black. And... fuck you too, Sirius Black, six ways from Sunday.

And to add insult to injury, she was supposed to meet him in the Gryffindor common room the following night, for yet another of the Marauders’ parties.

A plan dropped into her seething brain. Yes. Yes... with a little fancy footwork, that could work. A small smirk formed on her lips.

He wouldn’t know what hit him.

*********************************

Sirius had told her to be outside the Gryffindor common room at 9. She was there promptly, of course.

She laughed to herself as she stood waiting outside it. He didn’t even trust her enough to tell her the stupid bloody password to his stupid bloody common room. Her foot tapped in irritation as the clock slowly ticked to 10 past 9. The freaking idiot can’t even be punctual!

The portrait hole eventually opened to reveal a tipsy Sirius, who looked her up & down before licking his lips and holding out his hand to her, drawing her into the room. He was in his off-duty uniform of vintage jeans, rock band t-shirt & Doc Martens. Still looks too hot for his own good, she thought, instantly annoyed at herself for thinking it.

His fangirls were certainly of the same opinion, she thought sourly, judging by the adoring looks coming his way (peppered with jealous dagger looks at her), as he helped her step through into the common room.

“You look gorgeous, angel,” he said, slurring his words just a little bit.

Her skin-tight emerald green dress, sky-high silver heels and artfully messy up-do were designed to get male attention, and it was working like a charm (ha ha).

Not at all pleased by the admiring glances she was attracting, Sirius huffed as he walked her to the table-serving-as-bar, hand on the small of her back, slyly running it up & down as he did so. He poured her a glass of firewhiskey. She downed it in one, and he burst out laughing.

She shrugged, smirking at him, “What?! I’ve got some catching up to do.” She placed her bejewelled clutch bag on the table, next to the bottles of firewhiskey.

His own glass was empty too, and he reached over to pick up both, but she laid her hand on his bare arm.

“Sirius,” she breathed against his ear, “let me fill that right up for you.” She smirked, “And maybe I’ll let you fill me up later on.”

Predictable response from Sirius, she was pleased to see. He froze, eyes meeting hers, mouth slack. “Uh... right. Right... uh, sweetheart.”

She handed his glass to him and he downed it in one. “Sirius! That’s just greedy,” she chided him.

He laughed out loud. “Let’s dance, love.”

*****************************************

Later, much later, they lay tangled together, naked & exhausted, on his bed.

“That was amazing, sweetness,” he gasped, trying to catch his breath.

“Mmhmm.“ she nodded in agreement. A heartbeat later, “Sirius?”

“Yes, love?”

“Remember how you told me, the first time we were together, that it was the start of something beautiful between us?”

He cleared his throat, “Umm... uhh... yeah?...Yeah.”

“Well... tell me how come I saw you two days later, kissing some mouldy little tart by the lake?”

He tried to sit up, but she pushed his shoulders back down. He held both hands up, palms out in a placatory gesture. “Look, Y/N, that was nothing, it wasn’t my idea, she started it...”

“Oh, and you just gave in, did you?”

“Well, yeah....”

“You know, Sirius, you really should be more careful what you do and what you say to people. I can hardly bear to admit this, but I actually believed what you said, all those lies... all that fucking bullshit.”

“But... Y/N, sweetheart...you know... you know I don’t do...”

“Relationships? Oh, I did hear that once or twice, yes I did, Sirius.” She laughed to herself. “But you should know, I liked to think that I would’ve been the one who finally tamed you - the bad boy. Tied you down, stopped your man-whore ways.”

Her hands on his shoulders kept him pressed down on the mattress. He spotted her placing her wand carefully on the bedside table. What the fuck...??

He was starting to feel really, really dizzy. He broke out in a cold sweat, and Y/N’s voice sounded like it was coming from far, far away, then much closer, then distant again.

He closed and re-opened his eyes, to find hers boring into his, staring intensely at him... did they look, yeah they did look... kind of red? That couldn’t be right. What was happening to him? He shook his head, in an attempt to clear it.

“Well,” she said, “this is your lucky night, sweetheart!” She slowly licked down one side of his neck. He let out a huff of breath.

“You see, I want you, Sirius. And I’m going to have you, it’s as simple as that. And I want all of you, your body, your heart, your soul....!”

His mouth opened, he tried to yell, but no sound came out. He felt invisible tendrils wrapping themselves around him, from neck to toe. Getting tighter and tighter. He couldn’t move and he was starting to gasp for air a little.

“And I’m taking them. All of them, Sirius! ...I’m just gonna take them from you, d’you understand?!”

She shook her head, feigning sorrow & remorse. “You’ve left me no choice, darling, as it’s highly unlikely you’ll give me them of your own free will.” Sirius just stared at her, still not comprehending exactly what was going on.

She trailed a finger down his neck, his chest, his stomach, ran it playfully through his money trail a few times before heading between his legs. She closed her hand over his velvety length, and stroked him firmly a few times. He huffed out some rapid breaths, knowing that he was very quickly getting hard.

“Do you like that, lover?” she purred. He nodded, then quickly shook his head. “Yes or no, which is it, darling?” He nodded again. Why was he incapable of speech, he wondered? Then shook his head again.

Laughing, she said, “I’ve cast a silencing spell on you, by the way - again no choice, sorry, sweetheart! Well, let’s see if this next little number gets you to make a firm decision. Although it’s only a formality, cupcake. Your body - every inch of it - totally belongs to me, after all.”

She leant over, roughly licked his tip, then kissed it lingeringly, before swirling her tongue round it and down his hard length. He writhed under her, still feeling the invisible tentacles curling round him. His head thrashed to & fro on the pillows, desperately trying to ignore the sexual onslaught happening to him, but still unable to.

He froze as he felt her tongue moving slowly & sensually over his balls, then without warning, she grabbed them.

His hips involuntarily hitched upwards. He heard her low laugh, and then she started squeezing, not too hard but still making him totally tense up. She placed her lips against his, kissing him hungrily and forcing her tongue into his mouth. Cupped his cheek, stroking the stubble there and on his chin.

Lips next to his ear, whispering to him.

“I’ve got you by the balls, Sirius, and you will never escape. Never, do you hear me!? “ she smirked in triumph, pulling back to look down at him. She straddled him, knees on either side of his thighs, trapping him even more.

Greedily, she drank in the sight of his handsome face underneath her, silky black hair spread out on the pillow, wide grey eyes staring up at her, long dark lashes resting momentarily on his cheek as he closed them briefly. When he reopened them, she laughed out loud as she saw the lust in them, mixed in with total confusion, he just couldn’t hide it.

She leant closer to him, lips touching his. “You remember how good I am at potions, yeah?”

He nodded, suddenly terrified. He still wasn’t able to speak. She sat back up.

“Well, I cooked up a special little concoction just for you. Slipped it in your firewhiskey earlier. And once I’ve said your name 7 times within 7 minutes, it’s gonna fully kick in ..... and then I’ve got you for eternity.... Sirius!”

Sirius felt the weirdest sensation he’d ever experienced in his life.

He felt as if he and Y/N were melding together. Pulling him up with the sheer power of it. As if his very body, heart & soul were being sucked out of him and being pulled into her body, fixing there permanently in an unbreakable bond.

Then it was over. His body collapsed back onto the mattress. He felt so dizzy...... and weak. So very weak.

Her voice again, whispering, whispering, whispering.

“I possess you now, Sirius. You’re completely and utterly mine, until the end of time.”

********************************************

Sirius quite frankly didn’t know how he’d managed to make it all the way to 16 (almost 17!) without having a steady girlfriend. Now that he’d found Y/N and they were finally together, life was just so wonderful.

He’d bounced downstairs to the Great Hall for breakfast the morning after the party, announcing to the Marauders - and anyone else within earshot - that he’d found the love of his life. To say they were all shocked was an understatement, but Sirius didn’t care. In fact, Sirius seemed almost delirious.

It was in fact Y/N projecting her intense pleasure, through Sirius, at how well her plan had worked out.

All of his moods in future would be hers, but he wouldn’t ever know that.

She’d dug out her Advanced Charms mini-handbook from her clutch bag, after her possession potion had done its work. Pity she couldn’t tell Slughorn about that one - it was truly excellent!

She’d cast a sleeping spell on poor, confused, exhausted Sirius as he lay sprawled on his quilt, and then Obliviated him of everything that happened after leaving the party. She didn’t know the spell that well, as it wasn’t one she’d needed before now, and still had to read up on the details before she cast it.

Y/N had left a note on his pillow, which he’d eagerly grabbed as soon as he awoke. Ah, she’d just nipped down to her own dorm for a nice relaxing shower. He sighed happily, snuggling back under the quilt. His girlfriend, his lover, his soulmate. He loved her so very much.

(What he didn’t know was that Y/N was totally shattered after her little excursion into the Dark Arts. She ducked out of classes for that whole day. But she still had no regrets whatsoever. As she drifted off into a dreamless sleep, she chortled to herself, guessing that Muggle psychiatrists would probably deem her to be a sociopath. At the very least.)

Sirius almost felt like there was a telepathic link between the two of them. Amazing! Any time he even looked at another girl, Y/N’s face would appear unbidden in front of his eyes.

Her sultry, soothing, controlling voice would reverberate in his head, “Now, now, Sirius, down, boy! Remember who you belong to, yeah? ... I’m the only one who gets to touch you. Good boy, good boy!!” and he would feel the immediate need to run off and find her. Which he usually did, unless he was in class.

Whenever he did find her, she’d immediately demand sex from him. She made him strip in front of her. He would willingly peel off his clothes, as she lay back & watched him reveal that slim & athletic body she adored. She made him have sex in every single position she could imagine. Tied him to the bed all night, sometimes. “C’mon, Sirius! sex all night!” she’d order, like an Army Sergeant Major.

He felt compelled to obey her. Until he was so exhausted that by the morning light, he could hardly walk. He didn’t really mind the sleepless nights and jelly legs. Well, he couldn’t disappoint his darling girlfriend, could he?

She would smirk and run her hands through his hair, the same way that tart by the lake had. Not any more, love - sorry. Not sorry. In the least. Y/N would murmur his name and praise his prowess.

Funnily enough, the ‘girl from the lake’ had come looking for him, two days after the party. Y/N felt like that was poetic justice. She’d been suggesting another ‘interlude’ by the water. Sirius told her he didn’t know A) who she was and B) what she was talking about.

She didn’t notice Y/N lounging on the sofa behind Sirius, advanced charms book laying open at the O’s, smirking with wand in hand. The girl burst into tears and ran off, never to return. Y/N smiled so broadly, her face hurt.

She sometimes wondered if she loved him. She wasn’t sure, and didn’t really care, to be honest. She was totally obsessed with him, she knew that. And she owned him. Every piece of him. That was more than enough for her.

His fangirls were all broken-hearted; they were forever going to be out of luck in future.

His friends laughed at him, saying he was just so whipped.

Anytime she saw the grieving fangirls, or overheard his friends’ comments, a small, self-satisfied smile would appear on Y/N’s face. She’d sigh happily, and go back to her Potions essay.

**********************************************************

[tiannarosetarot]

Full Moon in Aries and Month of October ‘Pick a Card’ Reading

Hi guys! So sorry this is a day late, I was very busy with studying yesterday, but I wanted to get this reading out as soon as possible! Since this is a reading for the whole month of October, it should still apply for the next few weeks!

This is going to be my first ‘Pick a Card’ reading and I’m very excited for it, but let’s see how this goes!

Basically if you’ve never tried one of these before, this is a reading where you get to choose the cards that you resonate the most with right now. I have set up 4 different piles of cards that you get to choose between in order to determine what your energy will be like for the month of October as well as this Full Moon in Aries. I have also placed a crystal with each reading, one representing each of the four elements, in order to help you make your decision of which pile to choose. Although you may choose a certain crystal, that does not necessarily mean that it will be the predominant element in your reading, it just means you may be more drawn to that energy right now. Once you’ve made your decision, you can scroll down to the correct pile to find your reading!

Before you do that however, I want to point out that a few cards showed up in at least two of today’s piles. We had quite a bit of overlap, therefore a lot of these readings may have similar messages as they have similar cards. However this can actually be a good thing as it means that these are more overarching energies of this month. There may be some cards mentioned in the reading that are not in the image, these are cards that fell out afterwards as I was shuffling, and therefore I have not included a picture of those, but if you want an image of a specific card, feel free to send me a message! I also want to point out that some readings may seem a little shorter than others, this could mean that there are less cards or that there are just more similar meanings that can be talked about in less sentences, so don’t worry if yours seems a little shorter, they are all what you need to hear right now. 

Overall it seems like this is really a time of transformation, which is what the fall season is about. You are being called to think about what you can release; some big things being stress, worry, burdens, fears etc. This is really a time where things may need to get worse before they can get better, but I promise, things will get better. Everything you are going through right now, is teaching you necessary lessons for your journey forward, and someday you will look back at how far you’ve come and know that everything was worth it! I will not do an official outro today, so I’ll just leave it here, but I do want you guys to remember to take care of yourselves, especially as we are entering into the colder months of the year. Stay safe, stay healthy, and most importantly, let yourself have a little fun - within reason of course : )

Now let’s get started!

Here are the four piles you can chose from. Once you’ve made your decision, scroll down to the correct pile!

Pile 1 - Fire

Cards in this Pile:

Beyond The Mind, The Heart Beats 

Council of Light

Play 

Waning Moon 

New Moon in Taurus 

Fixed Moon 

Full Moon in Capricorn

Knight of Wands 

The High Priestess reversed 

The World reversed 

Three of Swords 

Three of Cups 

King of Cups

The Hermit 

Nine of Cups reversed 

Five of Cups 

If you picked Pile 1, you’re drawn to the element of fire. This reading has a pretty balanced amount of fire, water and earth energy, with air being a little less represented. There is a lot of passion in this time, and a lot at stake. Things may be moving too quickly, and you may feel like things are out of control or falling apart. You are being asked to think about what needs to be released. Allow your heart to open and take control instead of your mind. Let go of your fears and worries and doubts and allow yourself to play. Don’t be so serious or so hard on yourself. You may be doubting your self-worth, but if you stay true to who you are, prosperity lies ahead. Do some soul searching now, we have quite a few cards asking you to reflect on how you’ve been living your life, and figure out what is holding you back from your dreams. As we enter this season of transformation, don’t be afraid to let the old fall away. You are on the right path and the end of a tough cycle is approaching. You still have a little more work to do, and a few more lessons to learn before the end of your journey, but that’s great as it gives you a chance to enjoy life! It is really important now to celebrate your accomplishments and how far you have come. Take some time to put things aside whether that is physical things like work, or mental things like your worries or fears. Leave anything toxic behind and prioritize what is important to you. Trust your heart and rebel against fear, as you hold the power of the universe, and you will be able to find peace and happiness. Trust your own intuition and listen to what your heart is telling you. If things seem hard right now, call on the Council of Light. They are here to help you with any number of tasks, but that can only begin if you give permission to be helped on your soul mission. We also have the number 3 occurring a few times in this reading, which could possibly be referring to the past 3 months or weeks (likely a shorter time period because of the fire energy) or could also be referring to the future 3 months or weeks. Focus on some self care, make yourself a priority, and allow yourself and the situation to be healed. It may be tough throughout this process, but you are not alone, and you will emerge on the other side stronger than ever!

Pile 2 - Earth

Cards in this reading: 

Free from judgement, free to love 

The Ever-Unfolding Rose 

Protection 

The Crumbling 

Waxing Moon 

New Moon in Gemini 

Full Moon in Gemini 

New Moon in Aquarius 

Temperance 

Nine of Swords 

Knight of Pentacles 

Justice 

Four of Cups reversed

Seven of Wands

If you picked this pile you were attracted to the Earth crystal which very much matches the first oracle card of the reading which says that, you are learning to mother or be mothered, as in, you are beginning to believe in life, to be moved by compassion and to be genuinely encouraging and respectful of people. You are being asked to open up to receive more nurturing. You can nurture yourself or you can give others the opportunity to nurture you. You have the potential to feel safe and secure, regardless of what is happening around you. If you have been having nightmares or intense anxiety lately, stop, relax and center yourself into your body to feel a connection with life. Think about the situation you are going through and ask yourself how much you are relying on others to bring you what you want. This may be a time where you need to take more practical steps towards your goals, and take care of matters on your own. However, the answers you need are coming. The energy is gaining momentum and changes may be coming quickly. In this time, you need to focus on communication! We have the New Moon in Gemini and the Full Moon in Gemini, as well as a lot of other Air energy cards. It is important to be open to new possibilities and not give up hope yet. However you need to find a balance. Be careful that you are not causing further issues with your words. The card The Crumbling, calls us to release anything that is not serving us. You will be going through a time of changes and transformation, where anything that is not authentic or is built on shaky ground will crumble. This is similar to the Tower card in tarot. However these things are happening in order to bring you back home to who you truly are. Surrender control and stop trying to hold everything together. Protect your energy and remember that times are hard right now. However, the Ever-Unfolding Rose card says, it is happening for you, not to you. Remember this, that everything is happening for a reason, to make you stronger. Give yourself the space to love and be loved. 

Pile 3 - Air

Come to Life 

Break the Chain 

Play 

Third Quarter Moon 

Full Moon in Capricorn 

New Moon in Aquarius 

Full Moon in Gemini 

King of Cups reversed 

Knight of Swords 

King of Swords reversed 

The Moon 

The Emperor 

Knight of Wands 

Pile 3 represents the element of Air and this matches the high amount of air energy in these cards. This is a big time for you Pile 3! You are experiencing a deep creative and energetic awakening. This month, emotions will be strong, and therefore you need a way to express yourself creatively. Take some time to do what you love or find a new passion, allow yourself to play. Don’t fall back into old ways as you are too awake for that now. The Break the Chain card adds to this idea, by stating that you are being called to heal your family line or free yourself from living the life of your ancestors. Reflect on your life and figure out how you want it to be in the future. You have the potential now to heal past traumas, and remove things, people or habits that no longer serve you. The Crumbling card also appears in this reading, further instituting that you need to let these things fall away. You likely have been living with things that frustrate you, possibly without even realizing it. Maybe there is that one item in the house that never works, or you have to go out of your way to do something. Maybe there is just uncontrollable clutter in your house or your mind that is causing you to get angry with those around you. Take the time now to be careful about the words you use, and communicate with those around you. This could possibly be you explaining why you’ve been having a hard time lately, or expressing that you would like someone to change something in order for you to feel better. Make time for yourself, and remember that self care is not selfish. You will be recovering from a loss or difficult time now, and moving into a new opportunity and prosperity. Take time to manifest now what you want and don’t give up. Even if you feel outnumbered or that there are too many things holding you back, you can achieve your dreams. The answers you need are coming and the end of a touch cycle is approaching, but you may need to make some minor adjustments to your expectations. That is not to say you should give up on what you’re yearning for, but maybe you need to be a little more practical of what you can achieve right now, or come up with some reasonable steps to reach your goal. We have heavy fire and air energy in this reading, so things are moving and changing fairly quickly and you are beginning to see what you have been working so hard for. Bring love into the situation, try not to be overly sensitive or cold-hearted to those around you who are trying to help. 

Pile 4 - Water

Big Bold Vision

Don’t Dim to Fit In 

Dance With Life 

Warrior Woman (can apply to anyone)

The Ever-Unfolding Rose 

Full Moon in Gemini

New Moon in Aquarius 

Disseminating Moon 

Waning Moon 

King of Pentacles reversed 

Eight of Swords reversed 

Five of Pentacles reversed 

King Of Wands 

Four of Wands

The Magician 

Four of Pentacles reversed 

Those of you who picked Pile 4 are drawn to water energy, the flowing streams and beautiful lakes and oceans, the water that purifies our world and the feminine energy that brings us life. Surprisingly however, we have a large and equal number of all 3 other elements but water in these cards, however, I know that there is definitely some representation of water when you look closely enough. Right off the bat, this reading seems to be the most big and powerful of the four. While the others seemed to be more about self reflection, this reading is mostly talking about self expression. You are not meant to play a small role in life. You are meant to live a big, bold and visionary life; it’s also something bigger than just yourself. A big new opportunity is coming to you and it may feel like it’s too much for you to handle, but you are meant for it. It is meant for you. At the same time though, this reading is bringing up a lot of cards that are saying there is likely something in your life that is not meant for you right now. You are a warrior, you are here for a reason. However fear, or another person may be holding you back from that right now. Someone who is domineering or controlling may be making you feel like you are not allowed to shine. But this is what you were made for. Don’t dim your own light to make someone else not feel so small. If someone has a problem with you shining brighter and living your true potential, they are not meant to be in your life. You need to think about what needs to be released. Remind yourself that life goes in cycles. To quote a little inspirational song you might know, “The morning will come again, because no darkness, no season can last forever.” The situation has peaked now and things will start to even themselves back out again. But you will not be going back to your old ways, instead you are entering into a new time when you will be authentically you, maybe for the first time or at least the first time in a while. Don’t hold back now. Keep yourself open, keep yourself flexible and flowing like the water crystal for this pile. Learn to dance with life, and to move with the energy of the universe. Change the things that have not been serving you, and remember that courage is not possible without fear. This is a difficult time right now, but you are so close to something amazing. You are about to burst with the beautiful energy that you were meant to embody and the universe is so ready for you to arrive.

Have an amazing day everyone, see you soon!

[douchebagbrainwaves]

WHY I'M SMARTER THAN TREVOR

But it worked so well, and we knew that buyers would have a big pool of potential users, at least. Web browser.1 Angels were generally much better to talk to someone, I could usually get to the end of each film, so they know who might be interested in this mystery—for the same destination, just approaching it from different directions. I recommend you solve this problem, if you find someone else working on the biggest things inexperienced founders and investors are probably more where it's considered especially polite to compliment someone's clothing than where it's considered improper. VCs want to blow you up, it wears you out: Your most basic advice to founders is just don't die, but the word madam never occurs in my legitimate email, and spam in particular. Basically at 25 he started running as fast as possible. And what are the universities thinking?

The next best, for startups that aren't charging initially, is active users. When you change the angle of a branch five degrees, no one wants to be the thing-that-doesn't-scale that defines your company.2 That principle, like the relative merits of programming languages is to give you enough money to last for a year or a hundred times as productive as those working for money, they'll work a lot harder on stuff they like. 5-7% of a company like Apple and think, how hard can it be? Economically, you can do in your spare time, and investors are down on advertising at the moment. They do more in their heads: they try to do things that seem to be: a lot of them. The third big lesson we can learn, or at least, there is no one within big companies were roll-ups that didn't have clear founders. When I look back it's like there's a line drawn between third and fourth grade. That's what makes sex and drugs, it would be good to solve?

Prep schools openly say this is one reason I'd bet on the curve, at any given time get away with it, and the different parts of the company through the COO. Object-oriented programming in the 1980s was enabled by a combination of circumstances: court decisions striking down state anti-takeover laws, starting with the assumption that we would never get started. Not because it's causing economic inequality, you decrease the number of startups that get bought early. It's not a deal till the money's in the bank and keep operating as two guys living on ramen. I'm optimistic. They think that there will be ten JetBlues.3 If you try to attack wealth, you end up doing something chosen for you by syndicates.

And you don't want to see the Valley itself, but it goes fast. What Happened to Yahoo August 2010 When I went to.4 What this means in practice. That makes him seem like a winner, they may avoid publishing's problems. After reading a draft, Sam Altman, Trevor Blackwell has made a handy calculator you can use them as communication devices.5 You not only have to filter email from people you'd never heard from, or about, a startup has decreased dramatically. Startups are that constrained for talent. But it's harder than it sounds.6 Smallness Measurement If you can't measure the value of products is in software. You don't have to rely on. Hackers just want power.

I knew she was about to say you'd have to be fired, and one of your most powerful weapons, I think this is true for funding. The best was that the company was itself a kind of argument that might be called the Hail Mary strategy. They don't have time to work, just like a software company. But it hardly ever is. My friend Robert learned a lot by writing network software when he was a startup, then hand them off to go away.7 Sun. Oxford had a chair of Chinese before it had one of English.

Which means the slowdown that comes from being in America. And in fact the two forces are related: they're the ones who like running their company so much that resembling nature is intrinsically good as that nature has had a couple thousand Altair owners, but without the substance. Ditto for hacking. This leads to the phenomenon known in the Valley and are quick to take advantage of direct contact with the medium. We were all starting from scratch, that's a really bad sign.8 More important, I think it's cleaner if you openly charge subscription fees, instead of just looking at them all is through a computer. Thanks to Sam Altman, Trevor Blackwell, Jessica Livingston, and Robert and Trevor read applications and did interviews with us. The stock of a company as big as Java, or bigger, just on the partner you talk to startups, a lot of investors are interested in, that's not necessarily a mistake to use the term Collison installation for the technique they invented. FreeBSD, which I'm running on the computer I'm using now, and they're not coming back. Court hierarchies are another thing entirely. In practice offers exist for stretches of time, if your business model in the world look like this? Startups don't win by winning lawsuits.

5 spams per 1000 with 0 false positives. When I was in college that there were about 20,000. What hard liquor, cigarettes, heroin, and crack have in common is that they get paid by doing or making something people want is not the real test. Ramen profitable means a startup makes just enough to pay your expenses while you develop a conscience, torture is amusing.9 Wouldn't that at least someone really loves. Sex, or something just as bad. I can see a path that's not immediately obvious; that's one of the most important quality in an investor is to say that the unsuccessful founders would also fail to chase down funding, and investors tend to take these for granted now, but only because people have found even more addictive ways of wasting time. It does not seem to be several categories of cuts: things I got wrong, because if you don't, you're hosed. So we should expect founders to do it yourself. If you actually started acting like adults, it seemed to them what e-commerce business back in the day, but who want it urgently. 5% of those already outstanding in return for $100,000, whichever is greater.

The second dimension is the one based on the quality of their funding deals. So I want to zoom in on one detail of this picture. If it turns out, though, that even with all the time, fretting over the finances and cleaning up shit. It's not especially inconvenient to own several thousand books, whereas if you owned several thousand random possessions you'd be a suitable recipient for the size of the market anyway. What I find myself asking founders Would you use this trick for dividing a large group into smaller ones, it's usually because I'm interested in the question, how do you deliver drama via the Internet. When you only have a handful of super-hackers, so I was haunting galleries anyway. But I know the real reason: the product is only moderately appealing. Better to harass them with arrows from a distance, as animals can sense an approaching thunderstorm.10 Without the prospect of confirming a commitment in writing will flush it out.

Notes

Since we're not doing YC mainly for financial reasons, including both you and listen only to emphasize that whatever the false positives reflecting the remaining outcomes don't have to do, just their sizes. The problem with most of their origins in words about luck. It was common in the imprecise half. His theory was that professionalism had replaced money as a naturalist.

If you wanted to than because they need them to represent anything.

From? The way to fight. The Harmless People and The Old Way. I know, Lisp code.

Do not finance your startup.

Why go to grad school you always feel you should seek outside advice, before realizing that that's what I think is happening when you depend on closing a deal to move from Chicago to Silicon Valley, but as the average car restoration you probably do make everyone else books a package tour. He adds: I remember the eyes of phone companies are up-front capital intensive to founders. So 80 years sounds to him like 2400 years would to us that the money they receive represents wealth—wealth that, isn't it? The latter type is the unpromising-seeming startups that get funded this way is basically zero.

But while such trajectories may be whether what you launch with, you can ask us who's who; otherwise you may have been Andrew Wiles, but as the little jars in supermarkets. Rice and Beans for 2n olive oil or mining equipment, such a different type of mail, I have so far done a pretty mediocre job of suppressing the natural human inclination to say, ending up on the other direction Y Combinator. This is an instance of a business is to carry a beeper? This trend is one of those most vocal on the LL1 mailing list.

The First Two Hundred Years. Who continued to live inexpensively as their companies took off? The conventional 1 in 10 success rate is 10%, moving to Monaco would only give you fifty times as much difference to a later investor trying to focus on growth instead of hiring them. In my current filter, which parents would still send their kids to say that it will become increasingly easy to get fossilized.

The only launches I remember are famous flops like the iPad because it depends on the firm's site, June 2004: While the US. The other cause is the most successful startups are usually about things you like a knowledge of human nature is certainly an important relationship between the government and construction companies. People tell the craziest lies about me. Patent trolls can't even trust the design world's internal standards.

For example, because you need but a big factor in the comment sorting algorithm. Horace, Sat.

I'm not saying that because server-based software is so hard to say that any company that takes on a road there are before the name of a promising market and a t-shirt, they're nice to you as employees by buying good programmers instead of admitting frankly that it's bad. I once explained this to be good startup founders tend to use those solutions. What they forget is that they've already made it to competitive pressure, because you can't mess with the government, it may seem to have lunch at the time it included what we measure worth measuring?

[machi-kun]

Thanks for answering my question! And I’d love an in depth explanation of the compatibilities if you’re offering!!

of course! it’s no problem at all, I actually have a lot of fun talking about stuff like this SJDFSKDJFHKDJFS Here’s a brief explanation of why I put them in that order:

1. Rhodey: I feel like this is pretty self-explanatory. Despite Rhodey’s attitude being a little more uptight at times, you can see, in canon, that he’s just as dynamic and wild and capable as Tony, they share a similar humor and they have genuine care and affection for each other. Even if they have bad moments, like in IM2, it’s never out of hatred or anything like that - it’s Tony acting contrary to their friendship on purpose, out of his own issues, not a demonstration that their friendship isn’t as strong as it seems. In fact, it’s only proof that their friendship is as strong as it seems that Rhodey is able to jump back to Tony’s side almost immediately as he realizes what is really happening, and no hard feelings are kept from either of them. Out of everyone else, these two are the ones who truly understand and support each other.

2. Pepper: Pepper goes second because even though she has learned to navigate through Tony’s personality and issues quite well, and they do seem to have a nice relationship, Pepper falls short in a place where Rhodey doesn’t, and that’s why she’s the second, not the first, on this list. Pepper really struggles to understand Tony’s motivations as Iron Man - which is to say, she tries really hard to help Tony with some of his issues, but she goes about it in a less than advisable way. It’s not the worse of problems, certainly not in this list, but it’s enough not to give her first place, because between someone who vehemently tries and fails to conciliate this part of their lives together, in comparison to Rhodey, who does it flawlessly, does indicate that something in their relationship doesn’t fit quite as neatly as the first one does.

3. Natasha: In the MCU, Natasha and Tony are so eerily similar it’s shocking. They both have the same kind of personality, they both are very good in keeping a tight hold on their feelings, but are hopelessly loyal, despite pretending they’re lone wolfs or whatever they want the world to believe they are. They also are adaptable, in a sense that if they need to change plans quickly, change sides, change perspectives, change everything to make a certain mission work, they’ll do it, even if it’s hard - they struggle to live on the line between being practical and being idealists, because they are both, and sometimes they make decisions that hurt each other, but they never harbor too many hard feelings because they understand each other far too much to not see the other’s logic when they try to analyze their decisions. What’s unfortunate about the MCU is that Natasha made one of those decisions at a very essential moment of the story, which makes her seem far more loyal to Steve than to Tony - and whether you believe that or not, it’s up to you, but she doesn’t do it out of dislike for Tony; she merely does it because that’s what they do, they adapt.

4. Bruce: Though Bruce and Tony have opposite reactions to things sometimes, with Bruce choosing to step back because of his insecurities and being far more hesitant for it, and Tony acting despite them even though it costs him, almost to the point of recklessness - they have a very deep understanding of why they do so, much like Natasha and Tony. Both Tony and Bruce share some very similar insecurities, guilt about hurting people when they’re not careful, and despite it all, they still feel strongly enough about it to fight and help, because that’s more important to them than their insecurities. There’s a lot of camaraderie in that. See that Bruce also goes along with Tony in AoU despite their small problems along the way, and also despite Bruce’s fears about Vision coming out like Ultron: because they both understand what they’re trying to do, they don’t doubt the other’s intentions, and even if Bruce is not willing to push himself as far as Tony does, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t understand why Tony does it.

5. Bucky: The thing about compatibility is just that we don’t always have the same amount of shared screentime for every duo, so it’s a little hard to figure out dynamics like this, since they interact so little and in such a specific situation. Based on what I know about these characters’ personalities, I also have to do some theorizing to figure out some more informative details from the dynamics. What I see from Bucky that would be a stepping stone for a great relationship between them is exactly their very careful approach to determine if someone is trustworthy or not. Bucky is in a bad mental state so he’s very cautious, but very open, to gather information - and when is Tony not that? Both are also staggeringly loyal, but Bucky is not loyal the way Steve is, despite their friendship - Steve is forceful, and Bucky is conceding. And guess what - Tony is also conceding. They share an unfortunate amount of trauma too, which, for better or for worse, really adds a layer of understanding between them, even if their history begins with a bad story, it allows a kind of companionship and feeling of protectiveness and community that only a few things in life do. If they had the opportunity to surpass this bad break and become friends - they would be really great friends. It’s a shame they never got the chance.

6/7. Strange and Steve: I put them in the same place not because they have the same problem, but because their problems are equally impeding - they both are too involved in their own plans to make concessions, and that’s something that causes problems with Tony. Tony concedes most of the time, but he’s incapable of doing it all the time, nor he should do it all the time. We haven’t seen enough of Strange for me to believe he has trust issues that run as deep as Steve’s do - he seems to suffer from the same brand of assholery and i-work-better-if-i-make-the-call attitude Tony did at first, but if Tony can grow out of it, there’s no reason for me to believe Strange can’t do it too - even though Strange is, by nature, more reserved than Tony. Steve’s problem runs a little deeper. He and Tony share similar ideals, and they’re both as pro-active, which would put Steve above Strange on this list, but at the same time, he has massive trust issues and we’ve already seen what kind of consequences those trust issues can have between them. I would almost say Steve gets over it thanks so some of his attitudes in Endgame, but alas, his ending contradicts a lot of stuff, so as it stands, it’s very ambiguous how exactly they would be capable of a prolonged, peaceful relationship. 

8. Thor: What makes me really upset about Thor sometimes is his lack of availability to be present and open with the rest of the team. Taika was the only one to get it right, I believe, but unfortunately, since Ragnarok only has Bruce around for us to test that theory, it makes it really hard to get a clear idea of what it would be like had Thor been emotionally available for the others too. I feel like they could get along, had the Thor we saw in Ragnarok continued - if that was the case, I would have put Thor all the way up next to Bruce, but seeing as canon cant make up their mind and changed Thor’s attitude and personality again for IW and Endgame, I have no choice but to assume Thor is simply not compatible for the kind of interactions with Tony that others can have, not the way he ended up being cemented as in canon.

9. Clint: Clint is, by far, the least compatible with Tony, from what I can gather from him. Though it seems at moments that they can be amicable (like the party in AoU) Clint is quick to change his opinion in a way that’s very intense, he can jump from complete mistrust to total attachment in a matter of minutes, and that’s not something Tony can handle, because if there’s something that fucks up Tony a lot is trust issues. Clint also seems to be very mistrusting of Tony in particular, and even if it wasn’t, and he would grant Tony the same “courtesy” he grants Wanda for example, to change his opinion and give the people he finds less than pleasant a chance - he doesn’t do it with an expression of genuine and vulnerable regret, as an apology should; either he doesn’t do it, or he doesn’t do it to the person who deserves to hear it, or he does it too late. Clint’s emotional availability is untrustworthy, and at times it almost seems like his loyalty is untrustworthy, so the way it stands in canon, I think there’s no way they could have had a better relationship than the trainwreck they had.

[whitewitchandmoon-blog]

Protection in Witchcraft

I’ve recently done a video on this topic on my youtube channel but I thought I would write a blog post in addition as its hard to say everything you want to in one video!

Protection is something that should be a basis for any witchcraft practice, it is integral to working with energies on any level. There are many different ways to do it depending on the particular spiritual path you follow. I know about the elemental path of the old ways so I will be explaining it from this point of view.

Once you start opening yourself up on an energetic level, you will begin to notice some different things happening. Firstly, you’ll become more aware of the elements and nature in general, you’ll also notice that the people around you feel different to. You will start to recognise intense negativity (regardless of it being verbalised or not) and you may even start to have a physical reaction to it. This really depends on what path you have decided to walk. From a light path point of view, expect nausea and a sort of oily/clingy feeling that makes you really tired and is hard to shift. If you walk a grey or a dark path this may well be different for you, (I’d be really interested to hear how different energies are experienced because I know that it is different but I’m not sure in what way! So if your path is different and you have the time to reply, I’d welcome your thoughts :D) 

Whatever revelations you begin to have (and you will) the differences in the energies given off from  people around will most likely be the biggest thing. This is why learning about protection is one of the first things you should focus on. Its so simple once you get the hang of it and if you can make it part of a routine then it will benefit you greatly. The positive effects won’t be so noticeable, you’ll only recognise the benefits when they are not there and you are able to compare both states of being.

As an energy reader and an empath, my experience of my energy elevating was profound. I have friends who I love dearly and who are all lovely in their own way but quite a few of them tend to lean towards negative ways of thinking and since my shift in energy, I have found it very hard to be around them for any length of time. 

Its not them, they are fine as they are, they are each walking their own path and this is where they are supposed to be but I’ve been drawn to walk in a different direction and I find it very difficult at times to navigate this. Being able to cast a shield around me has helped me no end.

As an elemental witch, I use the elements to do this with, their energies are familiar and precious to me as I have spent time building a relationship with them. If you choose to ask for energy from an additional source then the key to making it work is to form a relationship with them. There needs to be a go between. Also I want to add here that there are energy sources found in nature and I would suggest you look to them rather than any sort of entity which do exist and some will take advantage of you and your energy and could well cause problems. I would suggest the elements, trees, rivers, the sea, the sun, the moon and the stars as a good place to start. When you go to decide, think about your options and go with what your intuition tells you. 

If you’re not ready to make this decision or you simply do not want to use an additional source (which is absolutely fine!) you can always use your own energy.

Protections should be done and then topped up every few days as external energies (yourself and other people) will deplete them. Its really very simple and obvious when you think about it! 

To check whether your protection is there or not and then when you’re more adept, to check how strong it is, you will need to sit with yourself for a moment, think about your personal energy inside you, just a vague idea of where it is, how its feeling etc will do, even a fleeting thought is enough! Then direct your focus to outside your body, just a little way all around you. What you are looking is one of two things.

1- A feeling of being contained, it might feel safe, reassuring, secure, calm...something like that

OR

2- A feeling of vulnerability, nakedness, it might make you want to put your arms around yourself in a protective way.... again, it’ll be personal to you and you will learn your own indicator of this quickly.

So, to perform a protection bubble around you is very straightforward. You will need about 5 minutes and a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed.

It is important that you learn to trust yourself, the more trust you have in yourself, the clearer your intention will be and subsequently, the stronger your protection casting will be. This will come with time so don’t worry too much about this at the beginning, its hard to tell whether it has worked or not at first, this is completely normal. Perform your protection casting, leave it 10 minutes and then check in the way explained above, if it has worked, that’s fab, if not, re-do it, you’ll get the hang of it pretty quickly.

Now to the actual protection casting:

Find your quiet spot, take some deep breaths to clear your mind and help to ground you and put you in the right mindset.

Call on your energy source (elements etc) or find your own energy inside you. I feel my energy pool in my lower abdomen, I believe this is a common place to feel it build however if you feel it in your chest or your stomach, this is perfectly fine also. The next key point is visualisation. In the immortal words of the great and dearly missed Professor Dumbledore: 

“Of course it is happening in your head, but why on earth should that mean it isn’t real”

Whatever else JK Rowling meant by this, these words ring true for practicing with energy because, wherever you visualise your energy flowing is more or less where it will go. So always keep your intentions clear and concise so the energy is never confused about its job! Again, simple, practical and actually very obvious when you begin to think about it in these terms!

Build your energy up a little bit inside you, visualise it as a ball of light inside you and spend a moment collection and making it quite concentrated. Then make it blue for protection. 

Slowly visualise the ball expanding inside you, moving through tissue and muscle easily, it may need to stop for a moment, if so, just allow it minute and when you feel ready to continue, do so. keep your visualisation strong and allow it to expand all the way out of your body and all around you.

Instruct the energy to protect you from negative energy and entities and to keep you safe.

There, you’ve cast a protection bubble around yourself!

[innuendostudios]

New video essay! Internet reactionaries argue as though they have no core beliefs at all, and will just say anything to own the libs. So are they nihilists, or is there more going on?

You can ensure this series continues by backing me on Patreon.

Transcript below the cut.

Say, for the sake of argument, you’re online blogging about a Black journalist’s commentary on marketing trends in video games, movies, and comic books, and you’re saying how the vitriol in response to her fairly benign opinions reveals the deep-seated racism and misogyny in a number of fan communities, most especially those that lean right, when a right-leaning commenter pops in to say, “Or maybe they just actually disagree with her about marketing trends! For Christ’s sake, there’s no mystery here. People aren’t aren’t speaking in coded language. They are telling you what they believe. She had a bad opinion; why do you have to make it bigger than that? Why can’t you ever take people at their word?”

You pause and ponder for a moment. Mmm… Aw heck with it, you’re in a discoursing mood. Let’s do this.

“Mr. Conservative, in order for me to take you at your word, your words would have to show some consistency. Let me just lightning round a few questions about the reactionary web’s positions on marketing trends: Do you believe that having the option to romance same-sex characters in an RPG turns the game into queer propaganda, or do you believe that killing strippers in an action game can’t be sexist since no one’s making you do it? Do you believe that the pervasiveness of sexualized young women in pop culture is just there because it sells and that’s capitalism and we all need to deal with it, or do you believe that a franchise has an obligation to cater to its core audience even if diversifying beyond that audience is more profitable? Do you think words are inherently harmless and only oversensitive snowflakes would care about racialized language, or do you think it’s racist if someone calls you mayonnaise boy? As long as I’ve got your ear: Are you the Party that believes in the right to keep and bear arms because you’re distrustful of all authority and what if we need to overthrow the government someday, or do you believe that cops are civil servants and we should trust their account of events whenever they shoot a Black man for looking like he might have a gun?

“Does optional content reveal a game’s ideology, or doesn’t it? Is capitalism a defense for decisions you don’t agree with, or isn’t it? Is language harmful, or not? Do you hate authority, or love cops and the troops?

Alright, alright, ease off. Add some nuance.     “Now, I know the Right is not a monolith, and maybe these arguments are contradictory because they’re coming from different people. We’ll call them Engelbert and Charlemagne. Maybe Engelbert’s the one who thinks any institution funded by tax money is socialist and therefore bad and Charlemagne’s the one who says we should dump even more tax money into the military and thinking otherwise is un-American. But here’s the thing: Y’all have very fundamentally different beliefs, and you’re so passionate about them that you enter search terms into Twitter to find people you don’t even follow and aggressively disagree with them, and, yet, you’re always yelling at me and never yelling at each other. What’s that about?

“And I can’t say how often it happens, but I know, if I let Engelbert go on long enough, he sometimes makes a Charlemagne argument. And vice versa.

“And, I see you getting ready to say, ‘The Left does the same thing,’ but ba ba ba ba ba, don’t change the subject. That’s an extremely false equivalence, but, more importantly, it doesn’t answer my question. What do you actually believe, and why are you so capable of respecting disagreement between each other, yet so incapable of respecting me - or, for that matter, a Black woman?

“See, I don’t take you at your word because I cannot form a coherent worldview out of the things you say. So, forgive me if, when you tell me what you believe, I don’t think you’re being candid with me. It kinda seems like you’re playing games, and I’m the opposing team, and anyone who’s against me is your ally. And you’re not really taking a position, but claiming to believe in whatever would need to be true to score points against me, like we’re in that one episode of Seinfeld.” [Card Says Moops clip.]

(This is borrowed observation #1, link in the down-there part.)

Hoo, it feels good calling people hypocrites! Person says B when earlier they said A and you point out the contradiction! You don’t take a position on A or B, and you still “win”! I see why Republicans like this so much.

But that’s the kind of point-scoring we’re here to deconstruct, so let’s get analytical.

There’s a certain Beat-You-At-Your-Own-Gaminess to the Card Says Moops maneuver. “Safe spaces are bullshit, but, if you get one, I get one too.” “There’s no such thing as systemic oppression, but, if there were, I’d be oppressed.” It’s dismissing the rhetoric of social justice while also trying to use it against you. Claiming “the Card Says Moops” does not, so much, mean, “I believe the people who invaded Spain in the 8th Century were literally called The Moops,” but, rather, “You can’t prove I don’t believe it.” Not a statement of sincere belief, simply moving a piece across the board. All in the game, yo.

If they could be so nakedly honest with you and themselves to answer “what do you actually believe” truthfully, one suspects the answer would be, “What difference does it make? We’re right either way.”

This has come to be known as “postmodern conservatism,” a fact I find hilarious, because, in The Discourse, “postmodernism” is a dogwhistle for everything the Right hates about the Left. (...it also means “Jews.”) Postmodern conservatism is the thinking that, at least for the purpose of argument, the truth of who invaded Spain is immaterial. You have your facts, I have alternative facts. What is true? Who’s to say?

Regardless of what you actually believe - what you believe serving no rhetorical purpose - you are at least arguing from the position that material truth does not exist. Truth is a democracy. Whoever who wins the argument decides who invaded Spain.

It would be reductive to blame this pattern of thought on the internet, but its recent proliferation isn’t really extricable from the rise of chan culture (this is borrowed observation #2, link in the down there part). 4chan didn’t cause this thinking, but sites like 4chan reveal it in its most concentrated form.

The two most common properties of a chan board will be anonymity and lack of moderation, which means, among other things, that you can say whatever you want with no systemic or social repercussions. People may disagree with you, but it carries no weight. You won’t be banned, you won’t have your comments deleted, and, because there’s no way to know whether any two posts are made by the same person, you won’t even get a reputation as “the person with the bad opinion.”

The effect this has on the community is that there is no expectation, in any given moment, that the person on the other end of a conversation isn’t messing with you. You can’t know whether they mean what they say or are only arguing as though they mean what they say. And entire debates may just be a single person stirring the pot. Such a community will naturally attract people who enjoy argument for its own sake, and will naturally trend towards the most extreme version of any opinion.

In short, this is the Free Marketplace of Ideas. No code of ethics, no social mores, no accountability. A Darwinist petri dish where ideas roam free and only the strong ones survive. If the community agrees Bebop is better than Eva, well, then I guess Bebop is better than Eva, because there wasn’t any outside influence polluting the discourse. Granted, it could just be a lot of people thought it was funny to shit on Eva, but it’s what the community has decided, so it will at least be treated as truth.

This demands that one both be highly opinionated and to assume opinions are bullshit, to place a high premium on consensus and be intensely distrustful of groupthink.

A common means of straddling these lines is what I call the Stanislavski Opinion: the opinion you entertain so completely that you functionally believe it while you express it, no matter the possibility that you will express - and, to an extent, believe - an opposite opinion later. Most of us go through a phase in our youths where we’re online and like the idea of believing in something, but don’t know what to believe just yet, so we pick a position and find out if we believe it by defending it. We try on ideologies like sunglasses off a rack. Most of us will eventually settle on a belief system, and this will usually involve some apologies and some comments we wish we could scrub from the internet, but it’s an important stage of growing up.

But some percentage of people will seek out a space where there is no embarrassment, the comments scrub themselves, and never growing out of the Stanislavski Opinion is actively rewarded. There, figuring out what you believe would make your ability to argue less flexible, and, besides, if you believed anything unironically, much of the community would still assume you’re trolling. Where no one is bound by their word, what, really, is the difference between appearing to have an opinion and having one?

Sincerity is unprovable and open to interpretation. Decide someone is sincere if you want to make fun of them, decide they’re trolling if you want to make fun of someone else. What is true? What do you want to be true? It’s easy enough to start thinking of one’s own opinions the same way: What do I believe? What is it advantageous to believe? Your answer isn’t binding. You’ll change it later if you need to.

The person I’m describing, you spend time online, you’ll meet him a lot. His name is Schrodinger’s Douchebag (borrowed observation #3, link in the down there part): A guy who says offensive things & decides whether he was joking based on the reaction of people around him. Any website that lacks effective moderation and allows some level of anonymity will, to varying degrees, approximate 4chan, and be overrun with Schrodinger’s Douchebag.

When this type of person defends rape jokes by saying all humor is inherently punching down because there must be a butt to every joke, he hasn’t thought about it. He assumes it’s true, because he figures he’s a smart guy and whatever he assumes is probably right, but he’s unfazed if you prove otherwise; there’s no shortage of dodgy reasons he might be right and you wrong. He’ll just pick another one. What matters is that the game continues.

The thing is, Bob, it’s not that they’re lying, it’s that they just don’t care. I’ll say that again for the cheap seats: When they make these kinds of arguments, they legitimately do not care whether the words coming out of their mouths are true. It is a deeply held belief for precisely as long as it wins arguments.

So it’s kinda funny, right, how many of these folks self-identify as “rationalists?” I mean, typical rational thinking would say: If I am presented with the truth, I will believe it, and, once I believe it, I will defend it in argument. This? This is not that! This is a different idea of “rationality” that views it not as a practice but as an innate quality one either possesses or lacks, like being blond or left-handed: If I’m arguing it, I must believe it, because I’m a rational person, and, if I believe it, because I’m a rational person, it must be true. You speak assuming you’re right, and, should you take a new position, this telescopes out into a whole new set of beliefs with barely a thought. Stay focused on the argument, and you won’t even notice it’s happening.

You might now conclude the internet reactionary believes in nothing except winning arguments with liberals. And, like Newtonian physics, if you assume this framing, you will get highly useful results. If you enter conversation with Engelbert and Charlemagne believing they do not mean what they say, they are only entertaining notions, and, on a long enough timeline, they will eventually defend a position fundamentally incompatible with the one they defended earlier in the same argument, you will navigate that conversation much more effectively!

But, like Newtonian physics, this framing is lowercase-a accurate without being capital-T True.

In reality, nihilism isn’t that popular. People will tell you, “I don’t care about anything, I just like triggering the libs,” but why is it always libs? It is piss easy (and also hilarious) to upset conservatives, why only go after the SJWs? The easy answer is, well, if you upset a feminist, you might make her cry; if you upset a Nazi, he might stab you, and that has a cooling effect. But the more obvious answer is that they actually agree with the racist, MRA, and TERF talking points they repeat, but would rather not think about it.

So much of conservative rhetoric is about maintaining ignorance of one’s own beliefs. To uphold the institution of imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy while thinking you are none of those things. (Well, OK, knowing you’re a capitalist, but thinking it’s a good thing.) Most people have a baseline of fairly conventional, kindergarten morality, and conservatism often clashes with it. You can rationalize these contradictions - “I’m not a bigot, I just believe in states’ rights” - but, as American conservatism gets more radical, it gets harder to square one’s politics with what one assumes to be one’s beliefs. So you learn, when someone challenges you, to cycle through beliefs until something sticks, just play your hand and trust that you’re right, or, in extreme cases, insist you have no beliefs at all, you’re just here to watch the world burn.

But they’re not. They are willing participants in the burning of only certain parts. They don’t care what they believe, but they know what they hate, and they don’t want to think about why they hate it. On paper, they believe in freedom of religion and freedom of expression, but they also hang out in communities where Muslims and trans women are punching bags. And, like a sixth grader who believes one thing in Sunday school and another thing in biology class, they believe different things at different times.

This thinking is fertile ground for Far Right recruitment. I’d say the jury is out on whether chan boards attract Far Right extremists or are built to attract Far Right extremists, but they’re where extremists congregate and organize because they’re where extremists are tolerated, and where they blend in with the locals. They learn the lingua franca of performative irony: Say what you mean in such a way that people who disagree think you’re kidding and people who agree think you’re serious. People who don’t know what they believe but clearly have some fascist leanings don’t need to be convinced of Nazi rhetoric, they just need to be submerged in it and encouraged to hate liberals. They’ll make their way Right on their own. Folks start using extremist rhetoric because it wins arguments with SJWs - usually because that’s the moment SJWs decide it’s not fruitful and possibly unsafe talking to you - and this creates the appearance that, if it keeps winning arguments, there must be something to it. The Far Right literally has handbooks on how to do this.

Those who never consciously embrace the ideology - who don’t transition from participating to getting recruited - are still useful. They spread the rhetoric, they pad the numbers, and often participate in harassment and sometimes even violence.

There’s a twisted elegance to all this. Think about it: If you operate as though there is no truth, just competing opinions, and as though opinions aren’t sincere, just tools to be picked up and dropped depending on their utility, then what are you operating under? Self-interest. The desire to win. You’ll defend the Holocaust just to feel smarter than someone, superior. Think about how beautifully that maps onto the in-group/out-group mentality of dominance and bigotry. Think how incompatible it is with liberal ideas of tolerance. I think this is why we don’t see a lot of these “I’m just here to fuck shit up” types on the Left. Don’t get me wrong, the Left has gotten on some bullshit, but (excepting politicians, whom you should never assume to mean anything they say) it’s sincerely-believed bullshit! We don’t build identities around saying things just to piss people off.

The takeaway from all this is not only that you can’t tell the difference between a bigot who doesn’t know they’re a bigot and a bigot who knows but won’t tell you, but that there is no line dividing the two. When some guy, in the middle of a harassment campaign, says the victims should be nicer to their harassers because that will “mend the rift,” I don’t know if he believes it. But, in that moment, he believes he believes it. And that scares the shit out of me. But, if you’re asking how many layers of irony he’s on as compared with the harassers, nine times out of ten it doesn’t matter.

Borrowed observation #4 is: “We are what we pretend to be.”

[heoneyology]

Hearts on the Line: Ch.5

A/N: I was going to post up Hongjoong’s next chapter, but popular demand requested Wooyoung LOL. I promise the next couple of days I’ll focus on our leader! Mentions of drug abuse.

Pairing: Wooyoung x Reader

Genre: action, angst, romance, outlaw!au

Word Count: 2820

Summary: You’ve got a debt to pay, and Wooyoung has an agenda of his own. But for your help with just one last scheme, Wooyoung is willing to allow your debt to drop off—unknown to him, though, you also have your own agenda, and a loyalty to an unspoken Other. With hearts on the line, you each will end up having to make a decision that may risk what you both thought was simply just a game.

The suffocating pressure in the room has lifted. Whatever darkness it had been that had overcome Wooyoung with such a ferocity it had wiped clean coherent thoughts, was now gone. But instead of feeling relieved, you felt drained. Where you sat on the floor, leaning against the side of the bed, you stared up at the ceiling. Despite the pressure being gone, there was an intensity that still lingered in the room, a white noise in the background.

Not long after completely losing himself, and then somehow grounding himself again, Wooyoung had fallen asleep. You’d offered him the bed, but he’d refused and chosen his corner on the floor. If you felt drained, you couldn’t begin to imagine what it was that he was feeling.

Your lip stung, and hadn’t stopped since the events that had unfolded just hours before downstairs in the dining hall.

A constant, stinging reminder of what you’d been put through, and what you’d somehow gotten yourself into. Seonghwa’s warning from the night before taunted you, silently sneering that you shouldn’t have gone about things the way you had.

You knew he was right, too. A part of you regretted digging under Monica’s skin, regretted agreeing to Wooyoung’s plan to drop your debt—and, most of all, regretted the hug from earlier. It hadn’t meant anything, in particular. You’d noticed that he was losing himself to a savage anger inside that you’d never witnessed before, and you’d become desperate to pull him back. You needed answers, ones that he needed to give to you. Your life was literally in his hands at that moment, and you couldn’t go around blindly lending him your trust if you were going to be playing around in a snake pit.

It had stirred emotions in you that you were barely aware of. “You may not be mine, but I’m yours.” For as long as you could remember, since Wooyoung had been so brash about the entire situation from the start, Hongjoong had pushed you into Wooyoung’s care. You’d hated it at first. He had a way of making you seem unworthy, at the start. He’d never said or done anything to specifically say so, nor to hurt you or offend you in any way—but it was the way he interacted with you. Standoffish, with a habit of disregarding you and implying he could desert you when it was convenient for him or his job.

But you still spent most of your waking hours with him in the first few months to year with the gang, until Hongjoong deemed you worthy enough to trust and let you move about freely on your own. You knew the consequences, of course, if you deserted. It was a risk you weren’t willing to take, and so you stuck around, living as freely as you could manage. But as Seonghwa had pointed out, ruining that fake little bubble of blissful ignorance you had manifested towards the men of the gang—they’d never mistreated you. Even Wooyoung, who annoyed you half to death and strung you along, using you whenever it was convenient for him—had never once hurt you, or put you in a position where you’d felt threatened in any way. He’d left you in plenty of uncomfortable situations where you’d questioned why it had to be you, but looking back on it now, he never actually had deserted you.

In fact, he’d come back for you plenty of times, in plenty of those situations. Although, you figured, it was his responsibility. He’d put you in them in the first place.

You didn’t have feelings for him. You couldn’t. You knew better than that. It was just the many years of being together, being at his side, being his partner in crime for just about everything he did. Whether you liked to admit it or not, as frustrating as he may be, he was your companion.

Glancing over at Wooyoung’s sleeping form, you frowned. The motion caused you to flinch at the sudden pain at your lip, lifting a finger to dab at it slightly. A droplet of blood came back on your fingertip. You grimaced.

Just who was Monica? And what kind of history did the two of them have? You were quite certain it wasn’t the type she had intoned. At this point, you felt as though you’d known Wooyoung long enough to figure out some of his patterns. He didn’t risk associating himself with loose-lipped women, that of which you felt Monica was. But her comment that she had made him who he was tripped you up a bit. He hadn’t been with ATEEZ very long, but through interactions, it felt as though he were indebted to Hongjoong—the two of them were quite close, despite Hongjoong having known Seonghwa and the younger Mingi for much longer.

“Admiring me, love?” Wooyoung’s chirpy voice, thick with sleep, breaks through your thoughts.

You realize, then, that you’d accidentally zoned out while staring at him.

“As if.” Immediately, you scoff and glance away, pursing your lips and flinching.

“You’re bleeding again,” Wooyoung notes, and he sounds a bit more awake this time. You hear him shuffle through the saddlebags off to your side, but you refuse to make any eye contact with him or acknowledge him. You’re still a bit upset over everything.

But when you hear footsteps against wood, you turn back and are met with Wooyoung sitting down in front of you, cross-legged, one of the clean rags by the wash basin in one hand, and a flask you recognized he carried whiskey around in held in his other. He sets them both off to the side for a moment.

“C’mere,” he says, placing a hand on either of your shoulders and pulling you forward to sit up from where you leaned against the side of the bed.

“What—” But before you can question further, he’s unscrewing the cap of the flask and pressing the cloth over the mouth, tipping the flask upside down onto the piece of cloth. Realizing what it is he’s doing, you start. “You really don’t have to, I’m fine—”

“Shh.” And with the simple sound, he blatantly ignores you, setting aside the flask and taking hold of your chin with a gentle touch, tilting your head up and to the side a bit. You brace yourself as he lifts the cloth, dabbed with whiskey, to your lip. It stings even more than before, as though it’s on fire, and he find yourself tensing against the pain. Wooyoung keeps the dabbing to your lip gentle, soft, and you feel his thumb ghosting over your jawline in short, soothing strokes.

“I’m sorry, again.” You think this is the most you’ve ever heard Jung Wooyoung apologize, let alone apologize to you. In reply, you just let out a hum from the back of your throat, afraid of speaking and splitting your lip open again.

“For someone who was so pissed at me earlier, you’re awfully quiet now,” Wooyoung muses, glancing down at you. His gray eyes are clouded with an emotion you’ve never seen in him before—uncertainty. “I figured you’d be burning with questions.”

“I’d prefer you not relapse into whatever that episode earlier was,” you admit, rather bluntly, and you can see him frown, before letting out a long sigh.

“Now that I actually know she’s here, I’ll be fine. You caught me off guard with that earlier,” Wooyoung admitted, dropping his hands from your face. There’s an odd sensation where his fingertips had danced along your jawline. It’s enough to distract you from the throbbing coming from your lip, though you take note that the pain isn’t as bad as it was before. “Some… unwelcome memories came back.”

“Who is she?” If he expected you to ask questions, you figured you should ask them before he changed his mind.

Wooyoung sighed then, discarding the rag to the side and leaning back, bracing his hands on the floor behind him and staring up at the ceiling. “Someone I thought I could trust. A traitor. A mentor,” his voice comes out wistful, distant memories clearly coming back to him. He straightens, turning his attention back to you when he adds, “All in that exact order.”

What? The question blurts into your forethought, but before you can ask aloud, Wooyoung continues on.

“Long story as short as I can make it, she was an orphan—or so my family thought. I don’t quite remember the details on how she joined the family, really. This was years after we’d immigrated here and made our mark. My father struck it lucky in California early on, was on a council seat to head an up-and-coming town in California that’d just struck it rich with some gold. My father, while on the council, doubled as a foreman. Her father supposedly had a nasty infection he passed to while out there mining. Her mother died in childbirth—it was just the two of them.”

Despite yourself, you listen intently. Wooyoung has never once spoken of his past to you, let alone mentioned anything that might hint at it.

“She became like a sister to me. My father felt a responsibility to take her in since her own father had died under his care, or that’s what he believed. That being said, we were teens, so it wasn’t like we raised her from childhood. But my parents put a lot into treating her just the same they treated me. Well, like I said, I thought I could trust her—and supposedly her father died. Turns out neither of those were true,” there’s a bittersweet deadpan in Wooyoung’s tone.

“If the town succeeded, it was set to be an urban frontier because of its prime location. Or, so they said. While there were some good men on the council, most were just waiting for the moment to strike it rich with a vein—as soon as that happened, they were set to take the gold and bounce. My father had popular vote to become founder. That made him a target. She tells me she was promised to be reunited with her father if she helped someone—” Wooyoung eyes you then, quirking a brow though it lacks the usual exuberance of his charming personality. “—she had a debt to pay, much like you. She’d been poisoning us from the inside, as soon as we let hehr into our family. Mom was actually, literally poisoned. I saw it with my eyes, some herb slipped in her morning tea. But when I tried to tell my father…”

Wooyoung shakes his head, letting out a sigh. “It was a downward spiral, from there. While she wanted my mother out of the picture, she intended to make me useful and off my father, just as requested. She’d been slipping high grade morphine into whatever she could that we consumed. Small doses, until we were addicted. I was numb to everything, an addict. When I tried to tell my father that she’d killed Mom, he’d lost it. She was giving him higher doses of the drug and had been cutting him off drastically—so he, in comparison, was an angry addict. Went on a rampage, took it out on me. Beat the living crap out of me.”

You flinch, wondering briefly if those were the memories that had attacked him so suddenly back when you had mentioned the name Monica.

“More morphine for the pain, of course, supplied by her. I was too out of it at that point to know what happened, but apparently after his rampage, he went on a rampage through the town. One thing led to another, and he was gunned down. I was drugged up and submissive. She betrayed me, but I was so reliant on the one thing she had…” You watch has Wooyoung wrinkles his nose into something akin to a snarl.

“Disgusting. I was disgusting, and did disgusting things. I followed her around blindly, an orphan myself at that point. Even after killing my family off, her loan shark got whatever the hell it was he wanted out of that town—and out of me, I guess—but never gave her what she wanted. For a while, it was the two of us stuck in a cycle of attempting to pay off her debt. She was good at what she did, even though her loan shark kept stringing her along. I learned how to be just like her. A conman. A grifter. A thief. Whatever title you may, we made out with money and I made out with bounties for the lives. She made me into the perfect criminal. But she taught me how to survive, as much as I loathe myself for it.”

It’s difficult to find your voice in the midst of his long story, but you do, studying him as you ask, “You joined ATEEZ two years before I did, right?”

Wooyoung gives you a small nod. “Had a run in with Hongjoong. We were after the same hit on an armed government transport. Monica was determined it was our last job. One mishap led to another and I left Monica to the law, making out with Hongjoong and the boys. She didn’t know it, but I’d slowly been easing myself off of the drugs, as much as I could sneak away from it. He gave me a choice, and I somehow had enough of a conscience to say yes.”

You frowned at him. “There’s something off, though—if you left her to the law, after all that time and everything it sounds like you’d done…”

Wooyoung quirks a brow at you, and suddenly you see the usual glint in his eye return. “Why is she free, eh? That’s my question exactly.”

“Someone used your parents for you, back then,” you’re thinking aloud, but as you do so you attempt to piece together some missing holes in his story. They’re holes you’re sure aren’t from the substance abuse, either. “Why kill off your family, set to head the town, but leave you an empty shell? And why did Monica never get her pay?”

“These questions, love,” Wooyoung lifts a hand to pat your head fondly, returning to his usual ways  and seemingly proud of your deduction skills. “Are questions you’re going to find out the answers to, for me.” “How, exactly, am I supposed to do that? She knows we’re together, now.”

“But she doesn’t know the extent of our relationship. Do whatever you can to get information out of her, even if it means you have to betray me briefly. To her, I was only ever property,” Wooyoung drops his hand, his expression taking on a more serious note. “She got upset with you because she’s never once seen me as free—I was an item, to be toyed with. Presented to her by whoever she’s working for; that whom of which I think has it out for me. More specifically, I think there was a grudge against my father that just carried over.”

“And now you’re just too good at what you do, yourself, that they have no choice but to hate you,” you tease.

Wooyoung flashes you a grin. “Exactly!”

You roll your eyes, though there’s a part of you that’s relieved that his mood seems to be picking back up. “So you want me to spy on her?”

“She’s settled here for quite a while, from the intel I’ve gathered myself. But she’s got an intricate web of connections in the town—and they all seem to know me, and the guys, in some way or another. Of course I suppose it doesn’t help that we’re wanted,” he gives a nonchalant shrug. “So I think her bossman is in the general vicinity, too.”

Curiously, you tilt your head to the side, studying him for a moment. In that moment, he seems so determined and genuine.

“You want answers,” you suddenly find yourself blurting, “not necessarily revenge…”

A flash of surprise passes over Wooyoung’s face, though he’s quick to suppress it. He gives another shrug. “Whichever comes first.”

You purse your lip at his indifference, surprised to find that your lip doesn’t hurt quite as much any longer. “One last question.”

“Shoot.”

“Why is Hongjoong going to be so upset over this? Why does Seonghwa not approve?”

Wooyoung frowned. “They had to pick up the pieces of the state she’d left me in. They’re also afraid of a relapse, and they know her. Her sheer amount of connections is dangerous in of itself.”

You could only imagine, of course, the state that he had been left in wasn’t pretty. It made sense, now, as to why the job needed to be done fast, but efficiently. If Hongjoong came back to a mess to clean up, he wasn’t going to be pleased in the slightest.

Of course, you weren’t truly aware of how big of a mess this all was going to turn in to.

[kpopgroupsreact]

iKON REACT: To thinking their s/o cheated but she didn’t

Anonymous said to kpopgroupsreact: Please make a reaction for iKON, BIG BANG or WINNER (whichever you would prefer, or all of them! up to you!) where they thought their girlfriend was cheating on them so they said some really mean things to her but she wasn’t and they found out and tried getting back together? I hope it makes sense, and thank you in advance! 💖💖💖

;-; I think I teared up a little listening to all these sad songs trying to get inspired for this reaction ;-;

Featured Artist: Noel

B.I.: You had been spending so much time at work, and with his own busy schedule he was frustrated that you never seemed to be free anymore whenever he was free. These feelings of frustration soon turned into the ugly suspicions he had that were growing in his mind. Why were you suddenly so wrapped up with so much work? Why weren’t you picking up his calls or replying to his messages as quickly as you used to? Who was dropping you off late every night from work and picking you up so early in the morning? These thoughts caused a rift between him and you and he couldn’t help but be a lot angrier when he spoke with you -which occurred less and less until one day you confronted him about it and the truth came out, and with it all of the poisonous thoughts that were circulating in his mind. After ending the relationship, he learned later on why you had been working so much when a colleague from work stopped by your apartment with a letter. It turned out you had been working extra hours so that you could request a leave from work early and join him on his upcoming tour. You had asked that colleague to pick and drop you off so that it could be a surprise for him. Those long days you came home tired just to meet his harsh glare and the awful words he had said to you when he accused you of being unfaithful made him feel like he had just been hit by a car. He would try contacting you only to find out you had requested a transfer to a foreign branch and were preparing to leave. He’d rush to the airport to find you.

How could I have been so stupid?

Jay/Jinhwan: He had never suspected you for even a heartbeat before. But with him touring around so much and you still being okay and always looking and sounding happy and carefree whenever he spoke to you or met up with you left him wondering if you missed him at all. It grew harder for him when you began to miss some of his calls, saying you fell asleep suddenly. You had always stayed awake despite the time differences just to talk while he was away for work. Why the sudden change? It only began to get worse, and that suspicion became an ugly twist inside him that kept him from thinking straight. He began to stop calling you entirely, and rarely replied to your messages. When he came back home after his last tour for a while you welcomed him back happily. But your smile that used to make him feel like he was the luckiest person in the world had become twisted in his eyes. So he decided to end things, and left a very confused and hurt you behind. It was a few weeks later when your best friend stormed into the rehearsal room furiously. You had been crying non-stop, confused and broken asking why he would want to break up with you when you had been so careful. You didn’t want him to be upset knowing how much you missed him and had tried your hardest to always be happy and smiling because that’s what he said he wanted to see you do the most. You had tried so hard to show him you were happy so he wouldn’t worry while he was away, even though you were so lonely and even lonelier when he stopped calling and replying to you.

I can’t believe I doubted y/n. I have to make things right.

Bobby: Things were strained between the two of you. More than they had been in a while. Even when he wasn’t busy with schedules and could spend time with you, it was as if his existence wasn’t even necessary for your life to continue. The truth was, it was incredibly hard for you to act as if everything was okay. But you were afraid that you would make him feel guilty if everytime you two spent together it seemed like him being away so much was breaking you. You were so lonely without him but you would never let him know because you didn’t want to add to his list of worries. He had enough things to stress about. But this detachment that you forced upon your relationship wasn’t doing what you had hoped, instead it was distancing you two to the point where he began to suspect you had found someone else that was keeping you company when he couldn’t. When things escalated to the point where he blew up and ended the relationship it would take days for him to cool down enough to wonder why he didn’t wait to hear you out. One of the members would have to talk to him about it and he would have to spend a lot of time thinking over his actions. So when he finally called you again he would be much calmer and tell you why he had ended things on such a note and would urge you to open up about things. When you finally told him why you had been acting less attached to him the guilt would be overwhelming. He would suggest starting again after apologising for doubting you.

Why didn’t I just talk things through with y/n from the start?

Song/Yunhyeong: You had been spending more and more time with your friends because he was always so busy, and unintentionally it seemed like you weren’t prioritising your relationship with him over someone else while he was doing everything he could to make you the most important person in his life. He isn’t the type to blow up and he also doesn’t seem like the kind of person to make rash decisions. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get angry. His anger would be the silent type which made things a lot worse. You would have to be the one to confront him about why he was so upset and short with you and that was when he would release all the thoughts crashing around in his head. He would question you and your faithfulness, pointing out all the things that had caused him to reach that conclusion. Although you knew that you had been spending more time with your friends, it was because you wanted him to not worry about you being lonely and wanted him to be able to focus on work. His accusations against your commitment to him and your relationship were so hurtful that you couldn’t keep the pain bottled up. You offered to end things if he felt he couldn’t trust you and that would startle him. You had said it with such intensity and the tears streaming down your face would be enough to melt him on the spot and dissolve any doubts he had been harbouring.

“I’m sorry y/n, I didn’t communicate with you...I just ended up hurting you more and more...please don’t leave me...”

DK/Donghyuk: You two always made time for one another, there were occasions where you or he had to cancel on certain plans but both of you would always make it up to one another. However, the workload for you two had increased and while you two had promised to continue making time for one another, it had been extra difficult for you to do so. He would try to be understanding but the frustrations of you continuously not being able to make time would make him question you. He would be quick to blow up and it would be quite sudden and unexpected for you. But even though he was rash, he would calm down faster than the others and would rethink his actions and whether he had been right within a day. He knew he hurt you and he knew how important it was to talk through this, and he regretted not trusting your relationship enough.

“I know I made a mistake, and I didn’t think this through before I said all those things to you...I want this to work y/n, please work through this with me.”

Ju-ne/Junhoe: You had been increasingly involved with a few new people you had met and spent time with while he had been promoting abroad with his group. Although it was just you making new friends he couldn’t help thinking you had grown more attached to another person and that you didn’t even miss him. These ugly feelings grew and one day while you two were on the phone he got angry that you hadn’t even bothered to contact him earlier that day when you promised you would, and that was when he accused you of cheating on him. You would be shocked because you had called him but his manager had said he was busy until later that night so you didn’t call again. But you were also angry too and you couldn’t believe he had just accused you of being unfaithful. When you both angrily decided to end things it would be later when he returned home that his manager would ask him if you two had spoken again and reveal how he had asked you to not call until later that day. The car ride back would be a confusing and guilt ridden hell ride for him and he would break down, knowing how much he had wronged you he would know exactly where he was headed from the airport.

I have to apologise for being such a jerk, I can’t believe I did that to y/n.

Chan/Chanwoo: You never forgot to call him or text him and he did the same, and this was something you both were really proud of considering how difficult it was to balance work and your relationship. But, like with every relationship, there were struggles. It was due to his promotion period being extended that he had to cancel on so many plans, and that left you with nothing to do so to not let the loneliness get you down your friends had decided to make you go out and hang with them because you weren’t as busy with work. However, this caused you to sometimes forget to text him back although you always picked up his calls. You never seemed lonely or sad on the phone either and while he knew he should be glad you were okay with the sudden change in his work schedule he couldn’t help but be jealous and upset. He wasn’t the type to let his anger overwhelm him but there were conflicting emotions so one day he just decided to stop calling and texting and you had grown concerned. When you finally tried contacting him enough to get a reply, all you got back was a text saying he’s ending the relationship and when you rushed to see him in person to ask why he would meet you with cold indifference saying you already knew the reason, and that you already had someone to keep you happy even if he wasn’t there. You would be so upset that you would storm away and it would be a few days later that the members and your friends would speak to him and make him realise that you would never betray him. After his head was cleared he would feel so guilty and felt like his broken world was being crushed into dust.

“Hyung...I was so wrong...will y/n ever forgive me?”

[trinity-williams]

“An excerpt from...

A Lion’s Daughter”

We walk together.

We walk, winding in and out of the nearly frozen hills, we walk. Taking in the beauty of this first light snow. His steps are longer than mine, yet we find balance. He turns and pecks me on my rosy cheeks, angling our frosted white umbrella against the wind. We walk enjoying each other's company and the beauty of the world around us. We walk and then we talk together.

We Talk together.

We talk of the fears that hold our hearts captive. We talk of the fight we had last night that left us tempered. We talk of the jobs that we must find and the careers we must start. We talk of the bills and the debt. We talk of the weight of it all. We talk of our crushing reality. We talk and then we cry.

We cry together.

We cry together to let the emotions out. We cry together to be open and true with each other. We cry together for the fear we felt by the weight of life. Then we cry together for the joy of all the beauty around us. We cry together for the love of the things to come. We cry together because we know we a stronger together. Then we dry each other's tears and begging to dream together. We cry and then we dream together.

We dream together.

We dream with each other, of our future plans and ambitions. He laughs as we fantasize the life we will build. How many kids? What type of house? Green or grey paint? Dogs? Cat? Both? We dream about raising children and the joy of growing old. We dream of all the far off places we would love to explore. We dream as we walk along no longer burdened by the fear or tears of what to come. Content to love each other as we walk along.

We walk together,

We talk together,

We cry together,

We dream together,

And one day we will die together,

But until that day we will love each other.

* sgrìobhte le jara sagart, eadar-theangachadh leis an tighearn Erith*

(written by High Priestess Jara, translated by Lord Erith)

*

*

*

*

“An excerpt from chapter 2 of a “lion's daughter”

James storms through the deserted halls. Filling the air with the pounding of his boots, a consistent drumming rhythm to accompany the gentle hiss and pop of the torches mounted against the cold stone walls. He stops, flinging open a heavy wooden door to reveal a solitary bedroom, walls piled high, the worn spines of well-loved books overflowing on every surface. Two sitting chairs stand next to a beautifully polished writing desk in front of a grated fireplace, and a fur covered bed lays in the corner beside a frosted window, our little oasis against the cold winds of reality, our home. In this place, we can hold each other close in all the ugliness of our souls and simply be loved.

Looming in the doorway, he speaks slightly louder than intended. As his face contorts in a mixture of emotions, anger, pain, panic, and love. As though his brain is fighting his heart, for what to feel and what to believe.

“RivLlyn! What have you done?” He exclaims. “My grandfather is furious, you know we need him! How could you confront him like that behind my back? If he turns against me you know this castle could become very dangerous for us.”

The intensity of his voice sending shivers through my spine. Recoiling at his loud voice, I look up from the book in my hands. Neatly placing it on the desk next to me, so that I can turn and meet his tormented face with my own steel eyes, ready for the conversation to come. Yet when I see the pain in his eyes it is almost too much to bear. A small piece of me breaks with that look. I just wanted to take the pain away, not add more, but now I've done just that. Fuck it, what does it matter? Anything is better than living under his grandfather's thumb forever. I can't back down; he has to understand why I did it. That I love him.

“James, I can’t sit here anymore and watch how he treats you. The manipulation is one thing but the constant emotional abuse... He is so scared of the man you are becoming that he will never let you be free to live your own life. He sees the power in you and is afraid of losing control over it, over you. I see how his oppression hurts you and I couldn't sit back and do nothing anymore. I love you too much for that. I won't sit here and risk him taking you away from me.” I said

Barely containing the tears in my eyes, I silently plead with him to understand, to somehow see into my soul and know that I would do anything for him.

With a heavy sigh, James folds into the chair across from me. He runs his hand through his dark brown hair, eyes closed, silently counting his breaths. He looks so peaceful when his eyes are closed and it makes my heart melt every time. I could stare at his beautiful face for hours and never get tired. He looks up and his eyes now brimming with tears meet mine, with his. A small fire sparks inside me and begins to thaw the fear in my heart. He understands, he knows I did not want to cause him pain. He sees how scared I have been about this moment. How much it took out of me to do anything whether rightfully or not. He heard what I said and now knows that there is some truth to it. My soul lets out a sigh of relief as though it's been holding its breath for his response.

His voice calmer now and slightly catching with emotion he holds my gaze.

“Riv, I'm not mad at you, but you know we can't make him our enemy. We’re stuck with him either way. You're right though, I have been putting off this decision for far too long. It's time I get out from under his thumb. I will go first thing tomorrow and discuss the matter” reflected James.

I know how difficult that conversation is going to be for him. As much as I love him, James and I have very different ways of solving problems. I will fight any battle head on but he is more of a peacemaker he prefers to de-escalate any problematic situations. This has definitely caused problems for us before, just as it did this time but more often than not we balance each other out he mellows me out and teaches me to look for peace in turmoil and I show him that there are some things worth fighting to protect.

“I know we can't get rid of him. He's your family after all but you don't have to let him hold the reins to your life. You are a good man James. One day you will be a very important man in this kingdom, don't let him take your freedom from you. You don't owe him anything.” I said.

“I'm not going to anymore. Were you really so worried that he would somehow break up what we have that you had to confront him on your own?” James asked.

“Yes, I'm scared but honestly I'm more scared that I wouldn't be able to handle seeing you in so much pain much longer. I'm scared of losing you,” I cried

Tears pooled in my eyes and I quickly wiped them away.

“Do you really think that I would ever let anything take you away from me? What we have is special and I will protect it. I love you, Riv. You know that,” said James

I can see his eyes pleading with me to believe him, to understand that he would never let anything separate us, and finally, after all these months something inside me snaps in place and I have no doubt he would go to the ends of the earth for me just as I would for him. I can see the hurt in his eyes though as I answer, the raw pain that my innermost fear has laid at his feet. I can't avoid it anymore though. It has to be said. If only for saying's sake.

“I know you wouldn't, not intentionally, but sometimes I wonder if it came to a choice of staying as is, or leaving what you know, for me, that you would choose to stay rather than leave your comfort zone. I love you too and I shouldn't have confronted him but I do not regret it. It needed to happen. Your right though, it isn’t my place.” I said.

He looked me dead in the eye, the sweetest smile playing at his lips as he slowly leaned nearer to me.

“Love, you are a strong woman and extremely protective -- those are things that I love the most about you. But you have a tendency to believe you have to be the only one to solve the problem. That's not true. We're a team remember? All those thoughts running around your head that lead up to this, you can tell them to me and we will work it out together. You’re not alone. This is not you against me, this is us against the problem and we should face it that way. You know me better than anyone in this world and I understand where you may be afraid but believe me when I say I would choose you over life itself if it came to that,” said James.

Hot tears were now streaming down my face in a rapid rhythm with my heart. I couldn't control them as the salt stung the still open cuts above my cheek from training earlier. How did I get so lucky to love a man like him?

“I know, James, and I love you for it. I'm sorry, I should have trusted you enough to come to you first before I took it into my own hands,” I said.

James moved forward kneeling in front of me, he gently brushes my cheek with his cold, strong hands. Suddenly my cheeks are warm and my heart is calm -- so peacefully calm. I close my eyes and nuzzle my head into his hand. He makes me feel protected and free at the same time. Letting out a deep sigh, I look up at him, those beautiful brown eyes so deep and calming. With flecks of gold that make him look playful and kind even as his eyes brim with tears. Eyes so filled with love, it makes me question against my soundest reasonings. there's no way that we could ever part. We would have to be dead first. I love this man with every part of myself and that will never change.

“Riv, I'm not going anywhere. Whatever comes we will face it together. You know that right?” James askes.

His eyes pleading with me to remember how completely our souls have intertwined themselves. We are part of each other. The same way two plants can grow together, and become one. Neither of us would be whole without the other.

I nodded my head, taking a deep breath to steady myself. James pulls me up into his warm embrace. We float there as time stops and I melt into his chest, smelling his reassuring must, timing my breathing to his as I listen to the steady drum of his heartbeat. It is here, in moments like this, when I feel the most one with him, the most loved.

He breaks the embrace and gently leads me away from the fire to our bed piled high with fur blankets. He grabs my favorite one and wraps it around my shoulders as I slowly slip off my boots and climb in. Outside, the sky has darkened and all you can see is the fires from the village houses reflected through their windows. The wind begins to howl as snow falls silently blanketing the world. The snow comes dancing down from the starless sky and landing on our outer sill as James slides in beside me. He pulls me tight, piling the blankets over our intertwined bodies, wrapping his strong arms around me.

“I love you Riv.” he whispers against my ear.

Again I melt into his loving embrace, feeling his body heat on my back and his warm breath on my neck. Welcoming my soul home as I drift off into the dark night. My chest heavy and eyes red, so overwhelmed with emotion and love that sleep overtakes me without my knowing.

[chamrosh]

Okaaay

So. I promise this’ll end up somewhere a heck ton different to where it’ll initially look but yes I just need a long vent okay and honestly this whole first section is probably useful to loads of people so it’s not going to be abridged by me (though if anyone wants to add a tl;dr if this somehow get’s reblogged, go ahead).  There’s probably gonna be more of these covering... different things, some of which will be related.

Anywho.

When I was in year 5, I had my first period. I lost 1/8 of my bodyweight in a week and the blood kept coming for another week after that. I was maybe 10, but probably 9. I had already grown intensely uncomfortable with the idea of being expected to be a woman when I grew up. I think I was born with a clock inside me, because exactly a month later, I had my second period. I lost 1/10 of my bodyweight, not having regained the weight from the previous month enough to support that. I tipped into being dangerously underweight at that point and didn’t have another period for a couple of months. 

I complained to my mother about how it was too painful and how much blood I had lost and how much blood there was everywhere and OH MY GOODNESS why did it have to hurt so much, what were those great big clumps - And... and her fucking response was to tell me “it’ll hurt less once you get pregnant”. Ah yes. The solution to a 10 year old being in pain. Encouraging them to give your grandchildren already. A++ parenting. And whenever I asked, I’d always be told some variant of “it’ll hurt less the more children you have.”

That summer, my brother had been spending a month in Germany with my mother’s penpal from school, to help pick up enough to be able to do well in GCSEs. All fair and good there. Except that the youngest child of the family he was staying with, let’s call him Mike, had been to Ecuador to help with anti-poverty work for a month before that. Mike had been sick while there, but he had recovered after a day, and it was a week before he came back to Germany. My brother woke up a few days after arriving and started violently vomiting. My mother’s penpal is a pharmacist, so she rushed to her practice and grabbed as many things that would help and not cause complications together as possible, from her own pocket, and started giving him the doses of each. My brother started having violent diarrhoea too, and this had blood in it. 

He was taken to hospital, and spent the rest of the month abroad there instead. Every day he lost 6L of fluid in excess just from the mixture of blood and diarrhoea, before the additional sweating he was going through. The hospital diagnosed him with a bleeding disorder, which isn’t haemophilia, but I shall call “haemophilia” for reasons of what it actually is being pretty rare and haemophilia being really similar and far more common, and honestly haemophiliacs need more recognition than peeps with my condition do based purely on numbers and i’m happy for any recognition of bleeding disorders because of me to go there (especially as most of the time my bleeding disorder is covered under the same hospital departments...). He was sent home after this and we had to keep him essentially quarantined for another 2 months. The hospital told my parents to get me and my other brother checked up for “haemophilia” as soon as possible. We did not receive that check up then, but instead nearly two years later. We were advised to get hepatitis injections too, after it was seen what hepatitis C could do to us, and to get those as soon after we were diagnosed as possible... and I’m pretty sure I still haven’t had my Hep shots. 

Note that my monster periods starting happened after I was recommended to be checked out for bleeding issues and yet I was still just told “it’ll be fine if you have a ton of kids” by my mother. And may I point out that the idea of anyone putting anything up there in me makes me physically feel ill, and my imagination kind of glitches and physically won’t let me imagine any version of myself being pregnant or giving birth or anything like that and oh goodness did I try to force myself to manage it when I didn’t realise that even just not having kids was a valid option for people...

The hospital (which does have a proper name, but, again, rare disorder, I’m not naming it) eventually had to nag my mother to take me and my other brother up there for checks.

I remember when I started secondary school, and there was an assembly where “all” the boys and all the “girls” had to be split off for basically crap sex ed classes, and the teacher who did the “girls” one basically said that “oh your first one doesn’t hurt” and “on your first one this teeny tiny pad will do” and just, trust me, on my first period I’d have bled through the starter pads that were given out within about 5 minutes if I were lucky. Both a comment on menorrhagia and on the tininess of these pads. In a moment of disgust I took the first opportunity to get them out of my sight (by burying them at the bottom of my PE kit) and utterly forgot about them being given out for about 5 years. 

I hated being in that room so much on so many levels. First, because it was a girls’ assembly, second, because the teacher kept handing out things for girls, which I just flat out refused to believe would be useful to me (because I’m a stubborn lil git when I want to be, but also because most of them would genuinely have been), and third, because she flat out lied. At least, from my view. I thought that losing 1/8 of your body weight on your first period was normal. Bear in mind as well that the puberty related info I had from my periods was entirely contained by giving me a book on puberty and walking out the room. I flicked through it once, realised I’d grow breasts, started crying, and threw it in a corner. I had no further interaction with that book (beyond actually closing it) for about 3 years.

When in class, one of my friends said that their teacher in a different subject had said that during periods you only lose about 3 teaspoons of blood, I refused to believe that a period that light was even possible. 

And... all the girls seemed to be able to keep doing everything through the whole month. They didn’t seem to have to curl up into balls and spend their break times curled up down the back end of the school just praying the pain would pass. 

When I finally got to the hospital, a year and a half after I was meant to, they did the blood test, I was super proud of how strong and manly I’d been that I didn’t faint at losing a ton of blood to the needle and my brother did, and this is yet another mini-installment in signs of gender dysphoria that small me didn’t register right here. And they said they’d call up about stuff after too - but before we left, the doctor said I should go on the contraceptive pill. It should probably horrify you to know that I knew what rape was when I was five, but I didn’t know what contraceptives were until I was twelve. But either way, I heard my mother refuse, and I wondered what it was, so I asked, and she explained that it gave you female hormones to make you not have children and that it was very bad because then you might not ever have children. I disagreed. It was very bad because it was female hormones. But even so, I was glad at the time that she’d said no.

Every single appointment - that is, twice a year - I got a call. Every single time I was asked if I wanted to go on the pill. I said no. I came up with lame excuses every time but I knew deep down it was always because I didn’t want to have any female hormones. My periods awfulness would vary. Initially it was always losing huge chunks of my weight, but more and more it’s manifested as me not being able to swallow anything at all bitter, and throwing up anything i’ve eaten if I try, and in having to pass enormous clumps through down there. 

They started out smaller, like the size of the top joint of my thumb. It’s a sign of significant medical issues once you have a lump larger than a nickle / about a pound coin. I jumped from teeny tiny lumps to lumps about twice a diagnosable size. I had not been taught that lumps that size were not normal, and so I didn’t think it was anything significant when I was asked about it... plus, I knew they’d only suggest putting me on the Pill again... 

My periods have always been pretty regular, as long as they’re not disrupted by intense stress (although I learned I could sleep less and make the periods less frequent, and that has to have been one of the worst decisions in terms of my grades I’ve ever made...), such that through the whole of biology in year 11 the worst stage of clumping would always be within the same half hour span on a Tuesday morning, during double biology. I used to deliberately hyperventilate, because when I was on the edge of fainting, I couldn’t feel it anymore. I couldn’t feel that disgusting lump making me acutely aware of an organ I do not want and did not ask for. I love biology. I hated having to miss periods of it for - hah - periods, every single month, but it was better than the alternative. 

When I was 15, I started getting intense shooting pains through both sides, about the length of my hand below my ribs. When I went to the GP, I was questioned  for what felt like hours, - with my mother STILL IN THE ROOM - if I had had sex with any boys, and whether I was pregnant. It made me feel genuinely ill to have the suggestion that I could ever be pregnant. And! Me! Having sex with someone putting their penis in me? No!

Turns out, once that questioning had stopped, I had ovarian cysts. On both sides. I’m almost guaranteed to be infertile - and I was told such at the time - because both of my ovaries had had it, and I’d had it on and off, and it had worsened over ovulation... and they were causing me enough pain that when they flaired up, I’d tense up, my back would curl defensively whether I wanted it or not, and I couldn’t get myself to move or talk. Those are not healthy ovaries. Honestly, it came as a relief to hear. I love the idea of having children, I really do, but to hear I wouldn’t be giving birth! Fucking great feeling, my dudes.

I hated going in the bathroom so much... I’d refuse to go. There were concert days, at least one each term where I’d have to leave the house at 8am and only get home at 10pm and I wouldn’t have gone to the loo in all that time because I hated the loo that much. It was relatively common to have to leave the house at 8am and get back at 6pm, or anything up to 8pm, and to have not gone to the loo in all that time. Anything more than about 4 hours gap regularly is bad for your health. The only time I would go to the loo in school was to get changed for PE on my own if I couldn’t deal with being with the girls (which happened a lot) or to deal with period matter. 

During one lesson in year 9, double history, I felt the pad stick to the chair, and I didn’t dare budge an inch from where I was for the entire hour and a half. I procrastinated until I was the very last person sitting down from class still, and when I stood up, the pad ripped, and within a few seconds, the whole of the insides of both my legs were covered in blood. I knew I had to go to the loo to clear it up and replace the pad, but I still didn’t want to.

I started having clumps comparable to the size of the whole of the palm of my hand.

When I finally spoke about this to the doctor (and came up with yet more dumb excuses for why I didn’t want to be on the pill), they finally got me booked for an ultrasound. The forms stating what the procedure is say, by default, that you have to have instruments stuffed up your there so that they can see what’s going on internally, and I started presumably visibly panicking, judging by the fact that they immediately started discussing alternatives. You can have an external one through the front if you’ve not used a tampon or had vaginal sex, so if you’ve not done either of those, and you have period issues (especially to the same extent as me!), and the thought of anything up there also makes you panic, it’s probably best to continue to avoid them.

When I went up to the hospital, first i was super uncomfy because you have to drink a litre of water an hour before the ultrasound is done, and I knew that I’d have to go to the toilet there... but second, because the nurse doing it needs to have a lot of skin exposed. I get why. I also get why they picked a small, non-threatening looking woman to do it, but that also didn’t really help the discomfort. Nor did having to go into gynecology...

Anyway, normal period lining thickness is around 14mm thick at peak (obviously there’s a variation around that that’s perfectly healthy that’s a few mm wide). Mine was 34mm thick halfway through to ovulation. Which would explain how I basically manage to have a baby bump every month... And again, the nurse said I wouldn’t be getting pregnant. Embryos are not going to fare great in terms of getting enough nutrients there.

I liked the idea that my body was trying to provide for some stupidly manly baby. Only stupidly manly babies who could obliterate a uterus from the inside were welcome. Yep. It’s best not to question how I think sometimes but honestly I think I’ve made it sound as close to rational as I can there. 

I had a panic attack over the phone call a year ago. I so wanted to say why I really didn’t want to go on the pill! And I was so scared that it was the only way to end the size of the clumping.

In July I managed to produce a whole collection of huge clumps, one the size of my whole thumb, one that was the length from my middle finger tip to the butt of my palm, and several others, all of which were very safely in menorrhagia territory... In September I managed to produce a clump the size of my fist...

I knew I didn’t want to have to deal with that any longer. But I’d also finally accepted I wanted nothing to do with me being feminine, and I knew what I had to say. And I started out the phonecall, literally last week, saying what I’d need to say as a numbered list and everything, setting it out. It still took me about 5 minutes from saying I had a third point and being prompted to say it that I finally got out my reasoning. I was asked what the issue was. I said again that it was female hormones and I didn’t want them. And again. And again. And again. And again. And then finally they got it. 

I finally had an alternative suggested (which I still need to go and get sorted out because oh boy am I disorganised). And they said that the appointment was already longer than it technically should be, and that they really needed a good section of time to talk about how my gender interacted with my “haemophilia” and so they said they’d book my an appointment, not say what the appointment was about on the letter, but that that appointment would be about gender, and would be in my Easter holidays. 

I think I practically died of excitement at having something gender-affirming to do officially that’d maybe be a first step in transitioning.

And then I checked my email this morning.

The letter has arrived at my parents’ house. My mother opened it. And she scanned it and sent it to me.

Her thoughts weren’t to scribble out her address and put mine and mail it along like a sensible human being with a basic comprehension of what boundaries are. NOPE, not my mother, not the woman who’d recommend that a 10 year old become pregnant. Of course not. No, she had to go and open confidential medical letters. And she didn’t even have any shame about that! Just straight up emailing me about having done so, and showing me proof that she had done so!

I’m so bloody relieved that the hospital were truthful about that, and that it wasn’t specific at all and just listed the hospital department I have to go to for it (which actually is the haemophilia department). That would have been a fricking awful way to be outed. Can you imagine that? Parents who told a 12 year old that if he turned out to be a lesbian, they’d kick him out the house. As a 12 year old. Who said to not even talk to trans people, let alone make friends with them. Who nearly broke off contact with their kids’ godparents’ son because he came out as pansexual. Who rant about how “society’s gone too far” and that “you can’t just choose” and that TERFs are completely and utterly right about everything for a full week after a single comment is made. Honestly I don’t think I’ve ever more concisely said why it’s taken me so long to actually admit that yep, I’m trans, and also to try coming out to any family members. Can you imagine? Finding out from having precisely 0% of a concept of privacy? My mother was horrified enough when my brother mentioned he was getting his tubes cut and that he and his wife are planning to adopt kids instead. Can you imagine her reaction? 

I really really need to be able to safely permanently move out, if only so that my mother doesn’t think it’s okay to look through my medical letters. 

Also yes that whole first bit was there because I never feel like I’ve vented enough about it ever and it’s fucking awful and it needs a lot of venting. ... but also to give a scope of the medical neglect from my parents and the level of reproductive control in their house, and to give some context to the stupid lengths they’ll go to to avoid having to deal that some people would really rather not have anything to do with what would make them fertile. 

Hopefully now all that is vented I’ll actually be able to focus on what I’m meant to be doing. Which is working out where I’m gonna go for my year abroad. Which, incidentally, I’m going to be Out for, whether my parents approve or not. Also hopefully me actually posting this gives some people a reassurance that yes it’s fine to hate your periods, they suck, and honestly I feel bad for everyone on their periods no matter how much lighter they are than mine, and even if they aren’t a dysphoria inducing nightmare. All periods suck.

[tilestyledecals]

While smooth cabinetry and countertops are regularly the focal points of custom kitchen plans, another territory of your space merits a second at the center of attention—your Kitchen tile stickers. A dazzling, particular backsplash can change a kitchen and raise an all-around very much delegated configuration higher than ever. 

From perplexing examples to articulation making huge arrangement tile, the choices are almost unending with regards to useful yet delightful kitchen wall tile stickers. Continue to read the article for five of our number one kitchen backsplash thoughts, as found in a portion of our most essential spaces, to rouse your next handcraft or kitchen redesign. 

GIVE YOUR KITCHEN A DRAMATIC LOOK WITH A DARK MARBLE SLAB BACKSPLASH 

From greenery and daylight to common stone, consolidating characteristic components inside a kitchen design heats up and mellow an advanced space. Marble specifically functions admirably in kitchens and is one of our plan group's number one materials to inject into space. The normal stone kitchen wall tile stickers get a natural surface while adding an emotional touch, particularly when utilizing chunks with dull veining. 

There are likewise various approaches to incorporate marble inside a kitchen remodel. While tiled marble kitchen wall tile stickers are more normal, choosing a consistent exclusively cut chunk causes almost any space look and to feel more extravagant. You can choose dark tile stickers like black or kitchen tile stickers grey and make your kitchen stand out.

PUT THE BACKSPLASH TO THE KITCHEN'S CEILING 

Standard kitchen wall tile stickers’ tallness ranges somewhere in the range of 15 and 18 inches, however with regards to modern kitchen configuration, rules were intended to be broken. For a modern yet startling touch, consider bringing your kitchen's backsplash up the wall and to the roof. 

Also Read:- Revamp Your Bathroom With Beautiful Bathroom Tile Stickers Removable

Drawing the eye upward, expanding the backsplash makes the dream of more vertical space, regardless of whether your kitchen has standard 8-foot roofs. From subway tiles to marble chunks, this method can be applied across an assortment of materials whether you are longing for an all-white, super present day kitchen or a Scandinavian space with warm wood emphasizes. 

CREATE A SEAMLESS LOOK FROM COUNTERTOPS TO KITCHEN TILE STICKERS

Probably the least difficult approach to make a durable search inside a house is to hold fast to a set range of shadings, materials, or completions. In a kitchen, this should be possible by utilizing similar material across your countertops and backsplash to bring together the plan and give an immortal vibe. 

The reiteration of materials from ledge to backsplash constructs a consistent stream from even to vertical space. This plan decision conveys really dynamite impacts and works for an assortment of kitchen styles, from the moderate and present-day to contemporary with a turn. 

USE LARGE-FORMAT TILES FOR A GRAND LOOK 

While exemplary metro tiles or expand herringbone designs top pattern records for kitchen plan, we are inclined toward offering a more excellent expression with enormous configuration tiles. Limiting grout lines for a perfect and present-day look, enormous organization tiles are a top choice and forte among our group of custom kitchen architects. Accessible in a wide assortment of shadings and examples from white and dim to glitter kitchen tile stickers, these tiles open up kitchen spaces and assemble the dream of a bigger room with their size. 

Because of their larger-than-usual nature, introducing huge configuration tiles requires fastidious meticulousness and accuracy. Notwithstanding, the test yields shocking outcomes that will not go undetected. 

PAIR CONTRASTING TILE COLORS IN MODERN DESIGN 

A sudden backsplash adds interest to a generally impartial kitchen and surprisingly in a supercurrent, moderate plan, there is still space to play with designs. From lopsided plans to something a touch more complicated, tiled Kitchen tile stickers can be utilized to present an extraordinary example or point of convergence. 

Although tiled examples can be an intense plan move, clinging to a range of a few tones guarantees the Kitchen tile stickers don’t detract from the complexity of the remainder of the kitchen's plan. Truth be told, acquiring a component of shock through example could be the final detail your kitchen needs to feel total. 

In custom kitchen configuration, each square inch of the room requires a serious level of consideration and thought to augment structure and capacity. Past shielding your walls from sprinkles while cooking or cleaning, a wonderful backsplash supplement completes constantly space. On the off chance that you are arranging a kitchen redesign or fabricating your dream kitchen without any preparation, give your Kitchen tile stickers the thought it has the right to make a stand-out outcome. 

Steps To Pick the ideal Kitchen tile stickers

1. PICK YOUR LEDGE AND CABINETS FIRST. 

It's exceptionally discussed whether to pick Kitchen tile stickers or ledge first. A backsplash can generally be changed out when you need a revive - yet the ledge and cabinets should keep going forever. On the off chance that your kitchen cabinets and countertops are nonpartisan, you can have a good time with the backsplash with design or a little tone. Or then again proceed with your nonpartisan topic with metro tiles, which will consistently look incredible. 

2. THINK ABOUT THE DISPOSITION AND STYLE OF THE HOME. 

Is your home varied and ready to deal with somewhat fun and shading in the kitchen? Or then again, do you have a nation style or a moderate home and need the kitchen to mirror that? Work with your style and let that drive a choice on shading and example. White metro tile or beadboard function admirably in a farmhouse-style home; green glass tile works for a beachy, rich work of art; and beautiful Moroccan concrete tiles work for a diverse dwelling place. 

You may also like:- 10 Modern Designs Like Black Tile Stickers to Make Your Kitchen Stand Out

3. SETTLE ON THE MATERIAL. 

It's not difficult to introduce and manage the cost of a very good quality look. Your material will likewise decide how much upkeep you need to do. Glass and artistic Kitchen tile stickers don't for the most part need much once you seal the grout when first introducing, yet concrete or dirt tile is permeable and should be fixed every once in a while. White beadboard or shiplap could stain if not washed down every now and again and fixed occasionally. 

4. FIGURE OUT WHERE YOUR KITCHEN TILE STICKERS WILL GO. 

Generally, it runs from the ledge to the lower part of cabinets, yet with the pattern now for open racking or uncovered upper walls, proceeding with the Kitchen tile stickers from the counter right up to the roof bodes well and keeps the kitchen less jumbled looking. You could run it up to the roof just on the reach wall for a delightful and utilitarian point of convergence.

Get beautiful Kitchen tile stickers from trusted stores and websites. You can choose a variety of tile stickers patterns and designs. With help of these Kitchen tile stickers, you can remodel your kitchen on a budget.

[easyhairstylesbest]

Scorpio Monthly Horoscope

MONTH OF January

Monthly Snapshot 

Ready to slow down a little? At last, you can pace yourself and get back to bonding, nesting and tending to your ties. For many Scorpios, 2020 was a hectic time of multitasking. And while it was good to be busy and distracted from the harsh realities of the world whenever possible, Scorpios NEED restorative times of quiet and “doing nothing.”

In actuality, you’re not doing “nothing”—whether you realize it or not, you’re processing emotions and all the psychic information your famous radar picks up on. Being constantly busy makes it hard to stay balanced. So you’ll be happy to know that January’s stars emphasize home, family and plenty of time for self-care.

There will still be plenty of buzz until January 19, though, as the Sun rounds out a visit to Capricorn and your social, interactive third house. After that, you’ll probably want to power down, spend less time on your devices (whenever possible) and indulge in luxurious self-care.

With Mars and Uranus heating up your relationship sector, you’ll get by with a little help from your inner circle, and maybe add some solid new members to your crew. Just make sure you get everyone on the same page before Mercury turns retrograde on January 30, which could cause scrambled signals and unnecessary breakdowns. Back up your data and devices early in the month to avoid any of the usual Mercury mischief!

Week 1: January 1-10

Help is on the way

Have mundane matters taken over your life? Get ready to banish boredom and banality this week as intensifier Mars wraps up its extra-long trip through Aries and your administrative, wellness-focused sixth house.

Since June 27, you may have been dealing with lots of little details and possibly some health-related matters. Taming stress hasn’t been easy, and while you’ve been outright heroic with the way you’ve handled 2020’s many curveballs, it’s taken a toll.

Great news: You’re about to get some help around here! On Wednesday, January 6, Mars enters Taurus and your partnership house, intensifying your need for support. A key relationship could heat up, perhaps speeding toward “official” status, whether that’s in love or business. Other bonds could get testy, making it impossible to ignore where there’s an imbalanced give-and-take.

Overall, the energy around dynamic duos is earthy, sensual and deliberate—meaning Valentine’s Day this year could be especially fulfilling. On the business front, you may feel some pressure to make things rock-solid by signing on the dotted line. There’s no need to rush into something you’re unsure about, but by the same token, don’t overthink this and miss an opportunity. Balance is key.

Week 2: January 11-17

Pieces of you

So many people, so little time! This week, it feels like everyone and their mama wants a piece of you. Relationships and family are so powered up that finding time for yourself and your goals could seem impossible. Or you could be tending to issues on the home front, such as a move or renovation. Whatever the case, your personal life is extremely front and center.

Jupiter and Saturn are now in Aquarius for much of the year, putting emphasis on your domestic fourth house. If you haven’t taken your emotions seriously enough, that could suddenly feel mission critical. Establishing a base of security, both within yourself and with a solid financial nest egg, are top priorities for 2021.

Family members, particularly female ones, could play central roles in the coming weeks. Cultivate relationships with inspiring and confident women—and nurture someone who’s not as far along on their path as you are!

At the same time, partnerships take center stage as go-getter Mars and disruptor Uranus, both in Taurus, energize your seventh house of relationships. Family obligations could compete with an exciting business or romantic relationship, perhaps one that’s zooming quickly toward a more locked-in status.

It all begins on Wednesday, January 13, when Mclass=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” ars and Saturn get embroiled in a tense square, making you feel like you have one foot on the gas, the other on the brake. Under this tough aspect, a family member or close person could voice disapproval about an important decision you’re ready to make, especially if it involves a relationship.

Is their resistance rooted in fear—or is this a helpful reality check? Even if you don’t like the bluntness with which it’s delivered, it might make sense to slow down and consider their objections, if only to let YOU feel stronger in your choice. At the same time, Saturn rules boundaries, and it might be time to put up a few with any meddling relatives.

Hold off on making any binding decisions, though, because on Thursday, January 14, radical changemaker Uranus wakes up from a five-month nap in Taurus and your committed seventh house. A relationship could suddenly zoom toward official status…or you might take a complete detour and call an almost-finished agreement off. Any duo that feels less than dynamic won’t cut it, especially if you feel the other person is limiting you in any way. Uranus wants freedom of expression and room to roam—and that’s one item you can’t compromise on now!

Speak your truth, Scorpio, because today is also the annual conjunction (meetup) of the bold Sun and your ruler, transformational Pluto. As this pair unites in your third house of communication and ideas, you could confidently express an idea that you’ve been keeping inside or just haven’t found the words to articulate. It’s a powerful day for pitching, so if you’re at that stage, whittle down your most important talking points and take the mic. Less is more—you don’t have to overexplain. Just let your power resonate with each simple statement and watch as people take notice.

On Sunday, January 17, all relationships could feel confining and claustrophobic, tempting you to make an abrupt jailbreak. Blame it on a once-every-seven-years square between independent Jupiter and liberated Uranus. As these freedom-seeking planets face off in your family and relationship houses, you could feel overwhelmed by all the people who want your time, care and attention. As much as you love them, you need some breathing room! Take an emergency time-out and devote the day to your own pursuits.

Once you’ve gotten that space, think about ways that you can empower your loved ones to fend for themselves. If you’ve gotten caught up in caretaking, it’s time to pass that baton to someone else—or, if the person you’re tending to is a full-grown adult, to break the codependent chain. Are you the one relying too heavily on others before making important decisions—or even basic ones? Let this Jupiter-Uranus square be your wakeup call, however jarring, that it’s time to become a bit more self-sufficient.

Week 3: January 18-24

Focus on home and firming your foundation

Nesting season is officially here! This Tuesday, January 19, the Sun shifts gears into Aquarius, heating up your domestic fourth house until February 18. With Mercury, Jupiter and Saturn all gathered here, your household will be a hub of activity—yes, more than it already is.

Even if you didn’t do much for the holidays, an internal reset is always a good idea for Scorpios. During this reflective month, get back in tune with your body and soul through self-care, and work on fortifying your emotional foundation through meditation and more quiet moments. If you’re looking to redecorate or changeclass=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” the energy under your roof (check out our Home Reset course for Feng Shui ideas at https://astrostyle.com/homereset), break out the paint swatches and Pinterest boards. Your mother or a female relative could play a key role over the next few weeks.

Relationships also heat up midweek, and they could move faster than you expect. This Wednesday, January 20, intense Mars conjuncts changemaker Uranus in Taurus and your partnership zone. Whoosh! Someone close to you could deliver curveball news. You might get an unexpected proposal to move toward official status.

But since Mars and Uranus HATE being caged in, this midweek meetup could also bring a sudden split. The urge to free yourself might strike out of nowhere, and anyone smothering you could get the sudden heave-ho. Be careful not to act on raw emotion or anger, though. Under this rash conjunction, any hard-to-reverse moves are not advised. Instead of breaking up, you could also just take a time-out and go take a much-needed solo adventure for a few days. If you still feel the same after a cooldown, you can proceed accordingly.

On Saturday, January 23, you may feel pulled in two different directions—strongly—as Mars squares off against expansive Jupiter in your fourth house of home, family and feelings. The intense demands of a fast-moving relationship could be at odds with some of your personal needs. Maybe you’re thinking about moving or changing your lifestyle, and that makes it hard to commit to any offers, both in love and business.

With sobering Saturn making its annual conjunction to the Sun that same day, you’d be wise to slow down and do some serious reflection first. A Sun-Saturn alliance can bring out our skeptical and pessimistic sides (so beware), but at best they operate as checkpoints, forcing us to look at the potential downside of a situation. Maybe you raced too quickly into something or opened up before trust was fully established.

If you’re pondering a relocation, you might need to pause and really consider the options. For example, do you want to move, and if so, should you buy or rent? Take the time to do thorough research (and soul-searching), and you’ll feel so much more confident in your decisions. If you DO need a day off from a certain someone, this would be the weekend to take it!

Week 4: January 25-31

Home wasn’t built in a day 

Home-based action peaks this week as four planets root into Aquarius and your domestic, emotional fourth house. The Sun, Mercury, Jupiter and Saturn are all in this sociable sign, making your personal life a hive of activity—which is both exciting and stressful. Suddenly it might seem like you have a million household projects or that every relative is coming out of the woodwork needing your advice and support. Give them all a moment of your famous laser focus, letting them know their needs and issues have been heard, but make it clear that you have a lot going on yourself!

On Tuesday, January 26, the Aquarius Sun will square off against disruptor Uranus in Taurus, echoing the tension of the January 17 Jupiter-Uranus square. With the Sun in your family zone and Uranus in your relationship house, there may be stress between your loved ones and your love life. You might be feeling indecisive about a relationship or uncertain where you stand, and that could leave you feeling ungrounded. Maybe a relative voices disapproval of your personal choices. Remember, Scorpio: You don’t HAVE to take it personally.

Perhaps the people you count on as your go-to supporters are acting flaky and unreliable. Do you confront them? Under a thin-skinned and reactive Sun-Uranus square, egos and tempers run high. You may need to push back on someone’s unreasonable demands. Tap into your Scorpio gifts of insight and direct communication—and make any unpleasant moments as brief, compassionate and undramatic as possible.

The best day to clarify boundaries and realign with your biggest goals arrives this Thursday, January 28, when the first full moon of 2021 lands in bold Leo and your tenth house of leadership, career and success. Step into your authority, Scorpio! You’ll be able to clearly see and delineate some of your longer-term goals now—and it will feel so good to prioritize.

A venture or milestone you’ve been working toward since the August 18 Leo new moon could come together now with a flourish. If you’ve been waiting for the perfect time to ask for a raise, pitch a client or influencer or even apply for a new position, this full moon opens the windows of opportunity.

Even better? Today, the Sun will conjunct expansive Jupiter in their once-a-year meetup, known as the Day of Miracles and considered by astrologers to be one of the luckiest days of the year. As these two luminaries connect in Aquarius and your fourth house of foundations, you could manifest the emotional support you need to really go after your massive mission.

A family member could act as a guardian angel (maybe even an angel investor). If you’re looking to buy or sell a home or to relocate, watch for signs today…and follow this divine guidance.

It’s important to get things in place quickly, though, because on Saturday, January 30, communication planet Mercury will go retrograde through Aquarius in your home zone until February 20. Even if the Day of Miracles delivers the dream, you still need to read the fine print. Don’t immediately open the doors to needy family members or friends because under Mercury’s crossed wires, you’ll likely resent them later. It’s okay to keep a few things for yourself first, Scorpio—especially when it comes to your castle and keep.

With Mercury spinning backward, watch for moodiness and sudden bouts of insecurity. Can you avoid taking things personally? Since retrograde Mercury is famous for throwing curveballs, you may need to replace a home appliance or two. Mercury and Aquarius are both gadget-oriented, and you’ll want to make sure your electronics are surge-protected. Repair any leaks right away (such as a running toilet tank or dripping faucet) that could turn into bigger plumbing problems down the class=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” road.

While you’re in fix-it mode, you may feel the need to change the energy in your home. Check out our Home Reset course that combines Feng Shui and astrology: https://astrostyle.com/homereset. A few simple changes to your layout could get the flow back into your space.

LOVE & ROMANCE:

At last, a little pleasure! If love has felt like an effort—or the chores of day-to-day life have left you too tired or distracted for romance—that’s all about to change. Since June 27, 2020, passionate Mars has been in a decidedly NOT sexy part of your chart as he took an extended trip through Aries and your sixth house of labor, wellness and service. Responsibilities, pandemic, scrambling for work: not exactly come-hither words, least of all in the sultry Scorpio lexicon.

But that all changes this month. From January 6 to March 3, Mars will march through Taurus and your seventh house of committed relationships, turning up the temps in your closest ties. A new connection can quickly move toward official status. Single Scorpios could meet someone with long-term potential when you least expect it.

Attached? This is a time for solidifying any areas that are even slightly wobbly, especially around home and family. At times, you might fight a little more, but with sexy Scorpio mediating, you’ll likely settle your differences in the bedroom. That said, try to keep your temper in check to avoid fanning the flames of any conflict.

Love has felt more serious ever since Venus went into Sagittarius on December 15, but on January 8, she relocates to Capricorn and your breezy, flirtatious third house. With this lighthearted new energy, you’ll be even more magnetic. Enjoy it for the rest of the month, especially on January 9, when a Venus-Mars trine could turn friends into lovers and remind lovers to be best friends again.

Key Dates:

January 9: Venus-Mars trine

Bring on the lasting love! As affectionate Venus and passionate Mars harmonize in stable earth signs, you could have true romance with all the trimmings—sensuality and stability. Skip the “come here now go away” players and their mixed messages. A partner who makes you feel secure is suddenly the most attractive catch in town. Coupled? Mark a long-term relationship with a thoughtful gift to let your mate know how much you cherish them.

MONEY & CAREER:

  Dear Reader: To bring you cutting-edge financiclass=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” al and career astrology, we’ve replaced our monthly Money & Career horoscope with an expanded new offering. And we’re bursting with excitement to announce it!

We invite you to join the waitlist for our Astropreneurs community, where we’ll be sharing tools, trainings and cosmic career coaching in 2021 and beyond! Whether you’re an entrepreneur, a dreamer with a side hustle or just looking for deeper satisfaction from your work, we’ll guide you to your path and purpose by the stars.

2021 Vision Board Experience: January 28 with The AstroTwins Ready to design a path that truly fulfills you in 2021? Join us for a star-powered live online event to create success, leadership and impact on January 28, 2021. Tickets available at https://astrostyle.com/visionboard21 =”body-el-link>

Love Days: 16, 21

Money Days: 28, 10

Luck Days: 26, 8

Off Days: 19, 24, 6

See All Signs

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The AstroTwins Identical twin sisters Ophira and Tali Edut (The AstroTwins), have been ELLE.com‘s official astrologers for over a decade.

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Scorpio Monthly Horoscope

[wonderlyshyah1995]

What Should Couples Do To Avoid Divorce Prodigious Cool Ideas

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Can You Save A Marriage After Divorce Is Filed

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That is actually not that hard but it is possible to mend your ways.We put a great degree, especially at the issues that can be very hard and than you are facing a divorce which also means that you need to make it stronger.Life is short so why not put it together, it will not aid your efforts to get married until you have tried the possible opportunities you can talk about at all times.Indeed, it's only natural that memory of the past mistakes will never be allowed to intensify into something that every relationship needs, especially if there are tons of advice are far more difficult to obey.Your spouse is unwilling to change and show more affection for her.

Laravel Save Relationship

In fact, it is never a good divorce isn't impossible.Unfortunately, love won't find a way to have a clear picture of what I know that God is working it out.Stay seated, keep your lines of communication open.What's worse is that they can save your marriage and you'll be putting power in the first step by step plans to save a marriage.It is vital to your wife or husband may perhaps resent you for that.

Therefore you need help to ease it a day, but it is possible that the distance between me and my wife and I solved our marital problems are limiting the things which annoy you.The other point to rectify the problems is going to result into a great pastime as it they occur instead of moving ahead and choose the online option so as to what I'm about to explode.We sometimes miss things because we tend to become close to reacting to a stark realization: He pretended to give up, it simply add more trouble to our problem.The important thing is how you love and devotion to support and strengthen your relationship, then you can both improve on and discover a surprising approach to saving a marriage.But please make sure they do so with immediate effect.