#don't mind me I'm just trying to project my thoughts into the universe

[teyvatairconditioningco]

another, less fun ramble about WHB

At this point, I'm in it for the characters and lore and I'm not actually getting the lore in game. It's an uninstall for me, sadly. In all honestly, I can't imagine WHB is going to last much longer because... what is PB even doing? Atp we have so many successful gachas to use as examples of what to do and the fan base isn't HUGE but it would have been enough to sustain the game if PB hadn't shit the bed. The worst part is the likelihood of whb being used to say "See?? We told you an R18 MALE gacha wouldn't sell! What are you stupid?!" Bro I would have made so many terrible financial decisions if whb had 1, handled banners differently; 2, consistently put out story content. The story itself is a little whack (genuinely no idea how they could possibly reconcile the timeline) but it's fun and I adore every character, even Leviathan and his stupidly punchable face.

On the bright side, the fanbase is full of lovely, talented people so I'm not going to be lacking for content on that front. I've got a multichapter fic brewing myself (will it see the light of day? Mmmmmmaybe.

Anyway, end ramble.

[tarotofhope]

PAC: Self-Care Tips For Your Own Well Being

(Please Read My Pinned post *IMPORTANT NOTE* before selecting a Pile)

Pick an Image by meditating and selecting the image you feel called to. You can be attracted towards more than 1 image. If you are not able to select maybe this reading isn't for you.

Pile 1:

Cards: Father Of Wands, The Hermit And Politics- 7 Of Swords.

Welcome to your reading, Pile 1. Beware of snakes in your own garden. You need to stay away from people who are controlling, manipulating, taking advantage of you, those who are not grateful for you being there for them. It also seems like you're not able to tell good people from bad ones, because of this, you might also sometimes have a wrong judgement of certain people. Your self care tip would be to keep yourself away and safe from people who seem to be your friend/good towards you, but is actually a backbiter. Some may be rude towards you openly as well, people/friends/family who use you or talk to you only when they want something from you and then they leave you, people who always treat you as a second option or a bystander. So, the card 'Politics' which is the '7 of Swords' card in tarot fits well here because people might be playing politics with you, backstabbing you, tricking you and what not. I'm also hearing defame, so, for a few of you, it could be that you're a popular person, famous for your work, and some people whom you consider friends might actually be slandering you behind your back. One advice is, try to observe certain patterns in people's behaviour, try to observe closely and decide for yourself. See, I'm not trying to scare you. It's just what I felt from the cards.

So I wish you good luck. Love, Light, Peace and Hope to you.

Pile 2:

Cards: 6 Of Wands, Ace Of Swords and Morality-Queen Of Swords.

Welcome to your reading, Pile 2.

You're someone who is in the process of awakening. Your intuition is at point, you're hunches are mostly correct. You're aware of your body needs, what it likes and what it doesn't, your mind and soul. People might perceive you as awkward, weird or they might also think that you're out of your mind, irrational even, but it is so because you have unique thoughts and ideas. Let them have their own perceptions. You just need to know that you don't need to fit in. Your ideas are gold, don't let others let you down. You just need to keep standing out and fight to remain there. You feel like executing a weird plan/business idea or project, do it. Fight for your passions. Your words, yes, your words have a lot of positive effect(either written or oral), speak them, write them, live them. Fight until you succeed, it's not going to be easy but it's going to be worth all the effort.

So I wish you good luck. Love, light, peace and hope to you.

Pile 3:

Cards: Death, The Emperor and Awareness-The Chariot.

Welcome to your reading, Pile 3.

I can see 2 phases here. It's going to be different for everybody. 1st phase is, some beloved one of yours, someone very close to you might have passed away, so you feel like the world has come to eat you, you feel so small, like this is the end of the world but no my dear, let me tell you one thing, only if you allow the universe and open up your heart shall you receive something better. Remember that change is essential no matter how heart breaking or soul wrenching. You need to grow physically, mentally and emotionally. Your life needs a lot more organisation, de-cluttering and changes here and there. Your body is your home, if you don't try to heal yourself, if you resist change, you'll not be able to function properly in the long term. 2nd phase is, you went through a huge glow up, you took care of your body and your mental health. Somehow, you look much better, much healthier, meaning you already went through change and put the required effort. You are much calmer and serene now. If you've gone through this phase, nobody would be able to break you.

So, that was all. I wish you good luck. Love, light, peace and hope to you.

Pile 4:

Cards: 9 Of Wands, The Moon, Breakthrough-Justice.

Welcome to your reading, Pile 4. It seems like you've got a lot of trust issues, my dear pile 4. You've build a wall around you and you don't let people in. You might be secretive and don't like to expose yourself in the fear that people might harm you or take advantage of you. You might also be very picky and have very few people that are very close to you. This all could be due to a heartbreak for some people while others are like that by nature. Someone here is also rejecting proposals and not giving love a chance. For a few of you, I'm also hearing guilt, you might also carry a guilt within you, it could be a past mistake, a wrong decision, a fault, a lie or anything which had harmed you or anybody else. Forgiveness is necessary, for yourself and others. There is a lack of balance here but you need to know that you will be fine. Not everybody is here to hurt you, so you can open up and as far as guilt is concerned, do things which bring positivity in yours and others' lives. Help people as much as you can. Fill the void. Be that hope for somebody, a helping hand for another and so on.

So, that's all.

I wish you good luck.

Love, light, peace and hope to you.

Pile 5:

Cards: 10 Of Cups Reverse, The Moon, Stress- 7 Of Wands.

Welcome to your reading Pile 5. You seem to want to have everything under your own control, which is not healthy either for you or others. You are either over-protective or very possessive or both. There is a lack of balance. You need to calm down a bit and let go of things because the universe has not burdened only you to take all the responsibilities of yourself and others as well. So, start surrendering things to the universe/God/ whatever power you believe in. It might be like a strong urge to do things by yourself and not taking the help of others. For some of you, this could also be a toxic habit of imposing your way of doing things on others/deciding for others unnecessarily even when not asked for. This pile especially needs to meditate a lot. Looks like you guys have strong leadership qualities which is a really good thing but using authoritative power correctly is very important. Some of you also have a habit of clinging to toxic people/your own possessions, which needs to be changed. I'm getting very maternal/nurturing energy from your pile. Remember it's an energy that I'm talking about which applies to both the genders. You're like mommy/daddy of your friend group. If this is not you then this could be your parent or your guardian. Either way, this habit needs to be controlled and balanced, even if you're the victim of such issues, you need to talk to that other person and create your own healthy boundaries.

So, this was all I got.

I wish you good luck. Love, light, peace and hope to you.

Thank you so much for being here. I post PAC readings every Tuesday and Friday. Do love and support by reblogging, liking or following.

———————————♡ ♡ ♡———————————

[hwanghyunjinenthusiast]

Baby fever

AN: I'm sure your shock has been imagined that I wrote this. I haven't even watched the video fully yet because I should be have been trying to work on my final assignments for the semester but, I've seen enough to prompt me to write this very impulsively. Apologies to all of the fics I was actively working on (glances at my 2Min drabble with apologetic eyes).

Synopsis: Seeing pictures and videos of your boyfriend with a baby inspires a stronger reaction from you than either of you could have anticipated.

Heads up: Hwang Hyunjin x Fem! Reader, established relationship, the plot is barely there if I'm being honest, dirty talk, usage of pet names, nipple play (f. receiving), oral sex (f. receiving), fingering (f. receiving), unprotected piv sex for the first time, both Reader and Hyunjin cry at points, one mention of Reader worrying she'll draw blood from Hyunjin but no actual blood and it isn't referenced beyond that, very apparent breeding kink and talks about breeding, Hyunjin says mommy once in reference to making Reader a mum, creampie and dacryphilia kink if you squint.

Word count: 3765

I will block you if you are a minor and have no easily visible indication of your age on your blog if you interact with me in any way.

You don't expect much when your phone buzzes with a notification from Felix. He always sends you messages throughout the day, even when he has a pretty packed schedule. Asking you how your day is, telling you about his and sending you short videos and funny pictures of the rest of the members that he manages to catch.

So when you open his message, you expect maybe a selfie with him and Chris or a video of Minho feigning annoyance at being recorded.

What you don't expect is to see Hyunjin. Well, that's not entirely true. Felix sends you pictures and videos of Hyunjin all of the time. What you don't expect is to see your boyfriend awkwardly and carefully holding an incredibly adorable, chubby baby.

He did mention a while ago now that he, Felix, and Jeongin were going to be on some variety show with children, but it had honestly slipped your mind. University has been eating you alive for the past month or so, so any space in your brain for anything that isn't response papers and projects has been minimal.

Now, as you as you sit at your desk with the Word document left untouched, all you can do is stare at the video of Hyunjin trying his best to soothe the baby. His hold on him is very clumsy and it makes you a little anxious but, it's all dwarfed by how softly your boyfriend looks at him and how his massive hands cradle the baby's tiny body to his. The smile on his face is positively radiant, and the little cooing sounds he makes do eventually draw a smile and giggle from the baby comfortably in his arms.

You don't think you've felt your heart constrict more in your chest ever in your entire life. Not even when he told you he loved you for the first time or when the two of you went on your first date or the first time you had sex. Sitting here, seeing him fumble his way through interacting with this baby and the unadulterated softness in his face, completely derails any other train of thought than wanting to have a baby of your own with him.

Which is absolute insanity.

Not only are the two of you nowhere near ready to be parents, your relationship is also not even a year old yet. You've spoken about children, and while you are on the same page, now is nowhere near the time.

Still, the more carnal part of your brain can't find it to care as you continue to scroll through the barage of pictures and videos Felix sent to you. An audible 'aw' leaving your lips when the baby's tiny hand wraps around your boyfriend's finger.

Yeah, there's no way you're getting any work done today.

You practically lunge at Hyunjin when he opens your front door. You swallow his noise of surprise greedily, wrapping your arms around his neck and pressing him to the door he just barely manages to close. Despite being caught thoroughly off-guard, he kisses you back. His hands coming to rest on your hips.

"Not that I'm complaining," he breathes out once he separates himself from your lips, "but, what brought this on?"

"Lix sent me pictures and videos of you with a baby," you mutter against his neck as you kiss along the sensitive skin there. Your blood turning into molten heat in your veins as he squirms and whimpers against you. You're sure you're wet enough already to take him. You've been wet for what feels like hours now.

"Okay?" He says, blinking at you in confusion through the lust induced haze he was momentarily in.

"You looked really cute and happy."

He still doesn't seem to quite understand what about that would cause you to react like this.

"Seeing you with a baby was really attractive," you finally spell out for him.

"Attractive?!" He squeaks out, and you'd usually find that endearing and cause to smush his cheeks between your hands, but you're too highstrung right now.

"Yes," you breathe, resuming your kisses along on his neck, on part of his jaw until you reach his ear, "it was really, really attractive. I couldn't even focus on my work because all I could think about was you cumming inside of me and, putting a baby in me."

You're sure Hyunjin would have crumpled to your floor if he wasn't leaning against your door. He was blushing so hard you could feel the heat radiating off of him. You don't think you've ever seen him get this red, especially so quickly, ever.

"Wh-what?" Is all he can respond with and, in all fairness, you did drop a nuclear bit of information on the poor man, so this reaction isn't exactly unexpected.

You take one of his hands and slip it into the waistband of your shorts and panties, moaning quietly when his fingers come into contact with your soaked slit. Hyunjin isn't unaffected either if the glaze in his eyes and bob of his adam's apple are anything to go by.

"I've been so wet for you all day, Jinnie," you whine, your eyes fluttering slightly and your walls clenching when his fingers run along your folds all on their own.

"Fuck," he grits, catching you by surprise this time around and slamming his mouth into yours. This kiss is more carnal than the last one. It's all teeth and tongue and spit and, all you can do is fist his shirt to steady yourself while his nimble fingers stroke you. You're barely aware that he's pushing you backwards until you find yourself hitting your couch. His mouth remains firmly on yours as you two tumble onto it.

A disappointed whine leaves you when his hand leaves your panties and shorts. Your walls throb borderline painfully, and you feel acutely empty. "I'm sorry. I promise I'll make it up to you," he has the audacity to laugh, albeit hoarsely.

"Jinnie, I'm ready. Please, I want you inside of me. I'm beyond ready," you whimper, clutching onto his biceps. Giving him your best puppy dog eyes and pout while he clenches his jaw at your words.

"You're trying to kill me," he groans, resting his forehead against your shoulder. From the pressure you feel on your thigh right now, you're sure your suggestion sounds tempting right now.

He kisses you more slowly this time. Savouring every brush and press of your lips against his own and, the two of you moan into each other as your tongues caress one another. You thought you'd won until you feel his hands impatiently tug your shirt up, exposing your breasts to the cool air of your apartment. His mouth descending down your neck, lavishing your throat with kisses and licks while you arch into him. Your hands tugging on his dark locks while he kisses down your body.

"Hyun-Hyunjin," you whimper, your hips jolting up into him when his breaths ghost over one of your hardened nipples.

"Are you sure you still want me to just fuck you?" Is all he says before you find your nipple enveloped by his mouth and your other breast in one of his hands.

You're sure you've soaked through your panties and are close to ruining your shorts from the way your wetness trickles out of you with every lick and suck of your boyfriend's sinful mouth. The vibrations from the groans he presses into you only make it all so much worse, along with the precise way his fingers tug and lightly pinch your other nipple.

Hyunjin would happily spend hours with his mouth and hands all over your breasts if history is any indication. However, as eyeroll and toe-curl inducing as this all feels, you're determined to get your way.

Your hands cup his face and pull him up to you. The frown on his thoroughly kissed lips almost makes you laugh, but you kiss him before the giggles get the better of you, and he complains about you ruining his time with your tits.

"Want you," you mutter against his lips, palming his erection through his jeans. The evidence of his want for you clear as day and heavy in your palm. You're tempted to just flip him over and sink down on him yourself.

"An-And I'm the one always being called impatient," he retorts with an affectionate roll of his eyes and kiss to the corner of your mouth.

"It's not my fault you looked so attractive," you respond with a shrug, biting back the complaint on the tip of the tongue when he peels away from you to tug off his shirt. God, you really must be the luckiest woman alive.

"I didn't think you'd be so into it," he says distractedly, impatiently tugging down his jeans and leaving him in nothing but his black boxers that cling in a horribly tempting way to his slender hips and, outline his hard cock.

You're not sure whether your mouth or pussy waters more.

Hyunjin flushes under your intense gaze, as if you haven't seen him naked more times than both of you could count. It still boggles your mind sometimes how your boyfriend can turn from confident, sexy and suave to an awkward, flustered mess in an instant. Well, that duality is among the multitude of reasons you're so irrevocably in love with him.

"You're staring," he mumbles, avoiding your gaze.

"It's not my fault you're so hot," you retort, delighting in the deepening blush on his cheeks. He's just too easy for his own good.

He just huffs in parts exasperation and embarrassment, choosing instead to focus on getting you naked. The playful atmosphere quickly dissipates as he hooks his thumbs into your shorts and panties, and you lift your hips to help him tug them off.

Once he's tossed them somewhere to join the heap of clothes littering your floor, Hyunjin settles himself between your thighs once more but, on his stomach this time. You really, really wish he'd just fuck you and before you're able to verbalise that thought, your boyfriend takes a slow, deliberate lick at you.

A strangled gasp flies from your lips and your hips jolt but, his large hands hold you firm. "Just let me do this for you, okay?" He asks, his stupid, pretty brown eyes boring into yours through his dark hair. His mouth hovers above you, as if waiting for some sort of response from you.

"Fuck, fine Jinnie, okay. Please, just do some-" your words are cut off by a choked sob when Hyunjin takes your words as a green light. His lips attached themselves to your poor clit, licking and sucking in ways that tighten the knots in your gut and causes your toes to curl. Your fingers weaving themselves into his hair and tugging, which prompts a whimper from your boyfriend. The vibrations making your eyes roll into the back of your skull.

A pitchy moans of his name fill the air of your apartment when his slender fingers toy with your entrance. Barely breaching your hole and you want to scream.

"Hyunjin," you whimper out, impatiently tugging on his hair.

"I'm sorry," he mutters against you with a smile and, pushes two of his fingers into you gradually.

They don't fill you nearly as much as you need but, they're better than nothing. That thought is particularly bolstered when he curls them inside of you, only needing a few moments before he finds the spot inside of you that makes your thighs quiver and your mind to go blank. Combined with his unrelenting ministrations on your poor, sensitive clit and how needy you've been for him all day, it all becomes too much so quickly.

"Hyun-Hyunjin, Jinnie. I- I'm-" You're not even sure what you're trying to articulate but, the jumbled mess of words seem to only motivate your boyfriend further. He curls his fingers harder and laps at your clit with renewed enthusiasm.

That's all it takes for everything to fracture.

You're sure the grip you have on Hyunjin's hair hurts but, you can't help it. Everything seizes and your walls spasm viciously, clamping down so harshly on Hyunjin's fingers he can barely keep curling them inside of you. Still, he tries. He's not as intense as he was moments ago but, still fingers you through your orgasm while his tongue gently laps up everything you give him.

You sag against your couch once your body relaxes. You're half certain you'd float up into the air if Hyunjin's grip on you wasn't still so strong. Speaking of your boyfriend, he does eventually unlatches himself from your hypersensitive clit. His hair is completely dishevelled, and you could already see a thin sheen of sweat on his flushed skin. His tongue pokes out to chase every bit of you he can on his bruised lips, his eyes dark.

You're sure he feels the way you clench around his fingers despite quite literally just cumming. He leans down to hungrily kiss you, tasting yourself on his tongue that he pushes into your eager mouth. As if your mind isn't muddled enough. You moan into him when he very slowly pulls his fingers out of you. Now you feel so empty that it physically hurts.

"Jinnie," you plead, your fingers reaching down to toy with the waistband of his boxers. The muscles of his abdomen jumping with every brush of your fingers against them. One of his hands comes down to cup your jaw, pressing a delicate kiss to your lips.

"Fine, fine," he says after pulling away from you and tugging his boxers down. His cock bobs in the air between the two of you as he drops his boxers on your floor. Your heart hammers against your ribcage, and even more of your wetness leaks out of you, smearing your inner thighs.

Hyunjin gets up, and that kicks you out of the stupor you were in. Your hand shoots to grab his wrist, stopping him dead in his tracks.

"Where are you you going?"

"To uh...get condoms?" He asks, confusion evident in both his voice and handsome face.

"Why?"

"Wh-Why?"

"Yeah, why? I'm okay with not using them if you are. I wasn't kidding when I said I really want you to cum inside of me."

Hyunjin closes his eyes then. Gritting his teeth before responding, "What about...y'know? Not that I don't want to have children with you eventually but-"

"Jinnie, I'm on the pill. I have been since I was a teenager."

That stops Hyunjin. His big, brown eyes blinking at you as if he can't quite believe that this is real. That this is happening.

You soften then, slipping your hand downwards to intertwine your fingers with his longer ones, "Hey, we don't have to if you don't want to. We can use condoms if that's what you're comfortable with."

That seems to only make your boyfriend flail harder, "No, no. It's not that I don't want to. Honestly, I've thought about it a lot," that makes you raise an eyebrow, "I've just never- I've just never done it without a condom before."

"Neither have I," you respond easily.

"Really?"

The look you give him is enough for Hyunjin to recognise what a dumb question that was, "Right, okay, sorry."

That seems to ease his anxieties significantly, he doesn't look nearly as tense as he did when you suggested the idea. You tug him down into another deep kiss, wrapping your arms around him as he resumes his place between your thighs. Gasps leaving both of you when his cock nudges at your very wet folds, the barely there pressure and searing heat causing your nails to dig into his shoulders.

"You're 100% sure about this right?" He asks once more, his eyes swirling with nervousness and desire.

While you appreciate how sweet he's being, you're seconds from pulling out your hair if he doesn't just fuck you right now. However, an idea comes to your mind to finally entice your boyfriend into fully letting go.

One of your hands reaches down until you reach the apex of your thighs, spreading your pussy for him to see just how sure you are.

"Yes, Jinnie. Fuck me, please."

Something in Hyunjin snaps then. His mouth swallowing your whimpers as he finally sinks into you. You can feel him practically vibrating with the effort to keep himself composed.

He's so hot inside of you. You're not sure sex has ever felt so intense. You've had him inside of you hundreds of times but, this...this is completely different. You swear you can feel everything. Every twitch and every throb and every vein as your walls melt around him. Before you know it, you're blinking away tears from how overwhelming it all is and pull him closer to you, wrapping your legs around him.

"Fuck, wait. Shit, don't do that. Don't move," he chokes out into the hollow of your throat, his own hold on your hips growing harsh and his cock twitching repeatedly inside of you.

"Jinnie, move," you whine into his ear, you can barely recognise yourself. You sound so foreign to your own ears but, from the way Hyunjin's hips slightly jolt and he mutters a string of curses against your skin, he might be into this new state of fucked out you've managed to achieve.

You thought it couldn't be even intense, but then Hyunjin moves, and you're pretty sure your visions goes black at the edges for a few seconds. There's no way to tell who moans louder but, you both press your noises into each other's skin all the same. Your nails drag down his back so hard that you're briefly worried that you might have drawn blood.

"Baby," Hyunjin whimpers out, thrusting into you slowly and shallowly, barely satisfying either of you, "Baby, I need you to relax. I-I won't last if you don't."

His words only instinctively make you tighten around him, made all the worse since he's so deeply nestled of you. Your walls massaging him and generously coating him in your slick.

"I want it, Jinnie. I don't care, please," you don't know what's possessed you but, the realisation that he very really could fill you with his cum hits you like a train. You pull him even closer to you, "Fuck me all you want. Cum inside of me all you want. Breed me all you want, Jinnie."

Something broken and feral slips from his lips, his teeth ghost over your throat as he fucks into you without abandon. The sounds of your skin colliding and your respective sounds of pleasure echoing all throughout your living room, and probably throughout your entire apartment.

"Yeah? Want me to fuck my baby into you?" He grits out possesively, "Want me to make you swollen with my ba-baby and make you a mommy?"

"Please, yes, Jinnie," you moan, holding onto him for dear life as he seems determined to make his words a reality. Both of you completely lost in each other and delirious.

"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck," he moans against your shoulder in-between kisses that are more spit and tongue than anything else. "Fuck. Gonna cum. Gonna fill you up with my cum until it's leaking out of you for days. Gonna breed you so good," he slurs, his heavy pants joining the symphony of sounds currently playing through your living room. You're certain you'll have bruises on your hips in the morning but, you couldn't care less. You want it. You want it more than anything.

It's always easy to tell when Hyunjin is about to cum. Your boyfriend isn't exactly great at hiding his emotions, and from the increase in the frequency of curses and moans and the way he holds onto you, you know he's teetering on the edge. You are, too, if you're being honest, but you're more invested in him falling apart. A choked sob of your name is the only warning you receive before you feel his cock twitch inside of you incessantly and warmth flooding your awaiting pussy.

You're surprised to feel some wetness on your shoulder and, concern trumps any other emotion when you register that. Your hands reach to cup his face, a few stray tears streaking his flushed cheeks.

"Hey, Jinnie baby, is everything okay?"

It takes him a few moments to find the words to respond to you, and you rub your thumb soothing on his cheek while you wait for him patiently.

"I-I-I don't think I've e-ever cum so hard. It-It was really i-intense," he hiccups out, nuzzling into your grasp.

Oh.

Well, that puts the tears on his face into a very different light and, perhaps you've discovered another new thing about yourself today.

"I'm sorry. I got a little...out of control at the end there," he mutters, his face speeding from pink to red as he avoids your gaze studiously.

"Jinnie, you have nothing to apologise for," you tug him towards you and plant featherlight kisses on his cheek, "It was really fucking hot, if I'm being honest."

That only makes your boyfriend blush harder and seek refuge in your shoulder after groaning in embarrassment. The movement quickly reminds you that he's still very much inside of you right now and that his cum is slowly starting to trickle out of you but, you feel too boneless to even entertain the idea of getting up right now.

"I'm still surprised seeing me with a baby resulted in all of this," he says after his embarrassment subsides, his fingers tracing nonsensical patterns on your thigh.

"Wouldn't see me with a baby make you feel the same way?"

He seems to ponder on that for a little bit before replying, "Fair point. You know, when we do eventually have one of our own, I hope they have your eyes."

This stupid man and the way he makes your heart race.

"Well, I hope they have your eyes and your pouty lips and your dimples," you retort, feeling very, very shy all of a sudden as though this isn't happening because of you.

"We'll just have to have more than one then. You know, just to make sure they get all of the traits we want them to get," he has the nerve to grin at you.

"Hyunjin!" You cry, scandalised, warmth flooding your face. However, you can't deny that a bunch of children with his smile and kind eyes doesn't sound like the such a bad idea.

Reblogs are greatly appreciated.

[visionofhope04]

Here for the angst of neglected batsis, imagine or hc them of moving out if the house when they are 18 and let's say they meet some spirit and they have their memory wiped and transfer to the marvel universe to restart their life and more happy, then the dc/marvel merge together because of a big threat and batfam sees batsis is heavily pregnant and married to our favorite deadpool charater Colossus?

How would they reached if batsis just can't remember them and keeps on telling them they have the wrong person?

I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK. Guess who's back!! Sorry it took me so long to get this out, I haven't had the motivation to write until recently. Also OOC warning bc I don't really know him well besides the Deadpool movies. I almost freaked out bc I haven't used the tumblr website in so long and it got updated so I thought I lost all my drafts. So glad they're still here, whew. Not beta read so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes!

---

It's been a year since moving into your apartment and you couldn't be happier. College was going well and you were taking classes you enjoyed. However, you haven't made any friends yet which led you to spend your free time reading or surfing the web. Jason didn't come by much due to having his own life and vigilante things, which you understood. It didn't mean you couldn't be a little bit sad about it though.

Even though you were enjoying your life, you still felt as if there was something missing. You'd been trying to figure out why you had felt this way but nothing came to mind. Any time you tried to brush off the feeling, it came back stronger. You did your best to ignore it and continue on with life, but it was always there, nagging you.

It had been a long day. College was so stressful. Your professors kept hurling projects at you that had deadlines that were practically impossible to meet. You just wanted it to end already and be on summer break. Then, you’d be able to sleep how long you wanted to without the fear of being late for class or forgetting to complete an assignment.

You sat down at your desk and pulled out your laptop, preparing to continue an essay that was due in three days. Suddenly, you began to feel nauseous. Confused, you attempted to ignore the feeling in favor of completing the essay. A few seconds after trying to focus on your laptop screen, you saw a bright light.

"My child, you will be saved from this life." A strangely comforting voice said.

Then everything faded to black.

---

"Hello?!"

A voice. A voice? But you live alone and no one has the spare key to your apartment. You slowly opened your eyes, groaning and quickly shutting them again once a bright light blinded you.

"Oh you're alive, thank God. Can you speak?" Whoever this was seemed to have been panicking before, slightly less though now that you had indicated you were alive. You groan as you push yourself up off of what seems to be concrete. Concrete? You're definitely not in your apartment. You crack your eyes open again, this time with less difficulty, and come face to face with white lenses of a mask. Blinking again, you register that the lenses are attached to a red material with black lines.

"Ah!"

"AH!" The figure yells and jumps back, startled by your sudden surprise.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" You asked, tilting your head slightly to the side.

"What do you mean? I'm Spiderman." His voice was a bit high pitched, he sounded like a teen at most.

"Spiderman? You've got to be joking. There is no Spiderman. Go home kid, crime fighting isn't a game." Sure, you may be a hypocrite, seeing as you are an ex-assassin who began learning how to kill at around 5, but at least you had training. What did this Spiderman have? From how startled he was, you assumed he had barely been trained, if at all.

“What? I'm literally Spiderman! I'm Queens' hero!"

"Queens, New York?" You thought you'd still be in New Jersey at least.

"Uh yeah. I don't think there are any other places called Queens that have a Spiderman."

"Again, Spiderman? Seriously? You couldn't think of a better name at least?"

"Hey! There's nothing wrong with Spiderman!"

"Sure kid, keep telling yourself that."

He was about to protest when suddenly, someone else dropped into the alley.

"Hey Spidey, who's this lovely lady?" A person in an all red with black suit with two swords on his back and guns strapped to his waist called out. The person seemed to be a male, around 30 years old.

"This 'lovely lady' is very confused. Who are you?" They keep multiplying, and you'd never seen this person either.

"Did you hit your head or something? You've never heard of or seen Deadpool? The most handsomest, most awesomest, funniest, killer crime fighter?"

"Uh nope. Also, I'm from Jersey, how did I end up here?"

"Good question. What's your name?"

"Oh, it's-" You stopped in confusion. "I actually don't remember. It was just at the tip of my tongue but I don't remember."

"Oh great! Amnesia! Just what we need. I'll let you handle her Spidey and I'll go stop some bad guys, 'kay?"

"What! No, don't leave me here!" Deadpool was already sprinting away.

"Let's get you to the base. Colossus and the others will know what to do."

---

They did not, in fact, know what to do. Colossus sent Negasonic and Yukio to contact Professor X, while Spiderman went to contact Tony Stark (I'm still emotionally scarred from Endgame so no, he won't be dead, this is my fanfic and I can keep him alive if I want to) and Deadpool went back out to patrol. You were left alone with Colossus.

Uncomfortable silence sat between you. Just as you were beginning to get antsy, Colossus broke it first.

"Do you remember anything at all?"

"I'm... a college student. I live alone in an apartment in New Jersey, I think. I used to fight crime until... I don't know, it's fuzzy. I'm an ex-assassin who has been training since I was 5. That's all I remember."

"You can remember that but not your name?"

"Look, I don't know okay? I don't know what's happening or why I can't remember anything else. I want to remember who I am, but I can't. And it's so... so frustrating! Your suspicion is understandable, but it is not helping."

"I apologize. This is a stressful situation for you. I will be more considerate."

"Thank you."

---

They could not figure out what happened to you or why you suddenly appeared in Queens one day. Your memory remained fuzzy, so you were stuck. As time passed, you and Colossus grew closer. You became so close that he told you his real name, you became a couple, and you got married. Seven years passed, you were 25 and you'd been trying for a baby. You both felt the time was right and that you'd be able to handle parenting.

Colossus came home from work one day, spent and tired. There you were, waiting for him at the door as usual.

"Hi my love, long day?" You fiddled with the positive pregnancy test behind your back.

"Yes darling, when is it not?"

"Well, we're going to have to figure something out, because there's no way I'll wake up every night to take care of our baby."

He looked confused, then realization hit. "You're..?" He looked so happy and hopeful, you couldn't contain your happiness. A huge smile lit up your face.

"Yes, we're finally going to be parents!" You pulled out the pregnancy test and held it up to him.

He laughed a joyful laugh, tears began to fall from the corners of his eyes as he embraced you. It must've been infectious because you began to tear up too. You remained in each other's embrace for a while, just existing in the moment. Time felt irrelevant as you basked in your shared delight.

---

8 months later, your belly had swollen and grown. Everyone was happy for the both of you. You and Colossus were both eager for your little one to arrive. You'd both decided to wait for birth to find out the gender. It didn't matter to you whether it was a boy or girl, just that they were healthy (gender's a construct anyway). The pregnancy had been going great so far, but this time of easy-going was about to get ruined by your husband's job.

---

Your world had merged with another because of some cosmic threat. Great! Your husband would be preoccupied trying to fix the situation, which meant that you'd be alone. Selfishly, you wished that they could let your husband stay with you so close to your due date, but you knew he had a role to play in saving two worlds.

Seeing your loneliness, Colossus decided to bring you with him to the Avengers' base. He hoped you'd be able to befriend some of the people there. You entered the compound and your eyes were drawn to some men standing beside a set of double doors. They all had suits on, black hair (one guy had two white streaks in his hair) and most had blue eyes, except for one man who had green eyes. He was also noticeably the darkest of the group. They felt familiar to you, especially the man with green eyes. Have you met them before? Who were they?

As your husband was discussing some details about the meeting, you couldn't help but watch the group of men. Not knowing why you thought you knew them annoyed you. As if they could feel your eyes on them (they could), they turned around in sync and locked eyes with you.

Their eyes widened and they all exclaimed your name in various degrees of disbelief. They rushed over to you and your husband protectively stepped in front of you

"How do you know my wife?"

"Wife?!" Some of them shouted. They were beginning to cause a scene.

"You're pregnant." The one with green eyes observed. He seemed to be having some sort of crisis.

All their eyes darted to your belly, making you uncomfortable. You placed your hand over your stomach and attempted to discretely hide behind your husband. This did not go unnoticed by them.

"You don't remember us?" The shortest of them questioned.

"No, I've never met you guys." You were very confused.

The man who appeared to be the oldest said your name. You stared at him as he studied your eyes, presumably to see if you were lying. It made you feel vulnerable and unsettled, couldn't they leave you alone?

"We're your family."

The guy with the white streaks in his hair scoffed. "You didn't treat her like she was family. I was the only one who cared for her when she was younger while you all ignored her and let her suffer. I'm glad she doesn't remember what you all did to her. She's clearly living a much better life without you lot in it."

This was getting more confusing by the second, although you felt there was truth to his words. Did you forget these people? They seemed very convincing if they were lying.

"I'm sorry but I really don't remember you guys. Maybe you have the wrong person?"

"No we don't! You disappeared one day and now that we've finally found you, you're saying you forgot everything!"

"That is enough. Please leave my wife alone, she does not know you, and she does not need the unnecessary stress of trying to remember people she's never met. Do not approach her anymore." Colossus guided you away from the men, who stared longingly at you. The heartbroken expressions they had after your husband's speech would follow you often. Were you sure you'd never met them before?

---

Words: 1,847

[withleeknow]

letters i didn't send to you.

pairing: ot8 x reader (ot8 in the sense that there's no name mentioned so you can imagine whoever you want. imagine the whole kpop industry if you want lol) genre/warnings: established relationship, long distance relationship au?, angst, fluff if you squint. unedited bc i am insane word count: 0.7k note: trying something new here! dunno how people are gonna like it but i don't feel terrible about it 🤷‍♀️ a product of my emo hours and i needed an outlet and i thought oh hey why not just project this into a fic lol

as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

navigation / masterlist / ko-fi

3:29am, i've been dreaming about you for years. stars and moons and cotton candy clouds on fire at sundown. the whole universe resides in your eyes, it's almost unfair. sleepless nights because you're not here; restless days because i can't wait for you to be back. the clock stops ticking when you're not with me. the magnetic pull gets stronger during the witching hour somehow. i've always been drawn to you, even before i knew who you were. you're the only home i'd leave all my haunts for. it's summer solstice in most parts of the world but not in our bedroom, not when the only way i can have you is through a phone screen on your pillow. your voice is trying to lull me to sleep. it doesn't come close to replicating one tenth of your warmth. to love is to endure.

-

i'm halfway through the day, and you must be dreaming of where you belong, by my side on a bed that's far too big when i'm the only occupant. or at least, i hope you're dreaming of me too. 1:19pm, i'm six hours ahead but days and weeks and months and years behind, still stuck in that airport where you left me for the first time. some days, my eyes get misty at lunch when i think about your alarm going off and your irritated groan as you roll over to make your phone stop screaming. other days, i don't have an appetite at all, not with you on my mind and the reminder that there's still oceans between us. when are you coming home? i know when you're coming home, and yet i ask anyway, as if it'll shorten the distance and make the time pass more quickly. to love is to wait.

-

saturday morning, but i can't stay in bed past 7:12am. missing you a lot tonight, was what you had sent while i was asleep. that's a little cruel for a good morning text, don't you think? it's not your fault. i blame it on the oceans, on the time, on the distance. the coffee is still brewing, just enough for one steaming mug but it would've been nice if i got to make two. can we go back to new york? we always say we would, but can we do it now? i'll meet you halfway if you let me. there's nothing that ties me to this place. you're always on the move. my home is always on the move. we were happy on that trip, right? my fondest memories of you. skylines and the high line. to love is to risk it all, and i would risk it all for you. take me home, will you? let's go back to new york.

-

the clock reads 8:18am, but the date is all wrong. you should be landing any minute now, but not for another two days. two more days until you're home, ten days that i get to be in your arms. and yet, all i can think about is your departure, about coming back to an empty apartment after you're gone again. i think about you leaving before you even return. the drive back after i've sent you off, it never hurts less no matter how many times we go through it. i can already picture the scene, it's almost routine at this point. your sparkling eyes when they find me in the crowded airport, your relieved sigh when i run to you, your hands clutching me so tightly like you don't want to let go either. it's always this damn airport. we should stop meeting like this. when the buzzing of my phone snaps me out of it, i know who's on the other end of the notification. a photo of your new polaroid camera, then a promise to make more memories to keep with us when you come back to me.

to love is to willingly weather this with you a million times and more. even if it hurts. maybe especially if it hurts. you're the reason i keep going. you're the reason why the sun rises in the morning. let's talk about new york when you're here.

all rights reserved © withleeknow. reposting, translating and/or modifying is not permitted by any means. [posted 02.07.2024]

[entropicbias]

Do u have any johndave hcs youd care to share? Literally anything that comes to mind (height hcs, habits in their coexistence, what kind of food they usually make/eat/order, general opinions towards each others family... just throwing a few out there to get thoughts flowing). I am v intrigued about ur vision for them, ur domestic sketches feel like they have a lot of thought (or at least general vibes) behind them

when i draw john and dave sometimes, i have this very specific universe they live in planned out in my head. most of this is self projecting with me and my own best friend, but i'd be really happy to share anyways!

these are my headcanons for them physically. i am really not sure what race john should be. i always say he's "mystery asian" but honestly, i dunno. dave, to me, is embarrassingly white.

here are two pinterest boards i just made to try and explain their sense of style and their "vibes". i'm sorry if this is shit. i'm no experienced pinterest board creator. dave's board john's board

and on top of that, here are two playlists that highlight what kind of music i think they'd listen to. dave's playlist john's playlist i think john's taste in music is just stuff he's picked up from other people, and movies. dave actually goes out and finds new music he'd like to listen to. john would be the type of person to have 4 songs in a playlist and hit smart shuffle on them. i think john's favorite food is lasagna/burgers and dave's favorite food is spicy chicken wings. but since dave doesn't know how to cook and john is busy most of the time, they'd order takeout frequently. i think john and dave would both be smokers, one more casually than the other one. here is a minecraft house i built for them: https://youtu.be/bXCzLp-S99Y?si=mebaL3FDafxrPt-I but, i'll talk more about it. i think john and dave would rent an apartment in the city together so john could easily go to uni and dave can grow mold in his room. it'd be a really shitty place, but i think with john's efforts they'd manage to make the place look more homely. dave would mostly stay in his room because he has made it so that he could sustain himself in there for a week without having to come out. john wouldn't be on his case about it though as long as the living room isn't filthy. i think john would be able to tolerate a moderate mess.

i think john would be weirded out by bro strider, but then again i don't think those two would cross paths very often. i think in a world where dirk exists as dave's brother consistently he'd get really annoyed by him. that is why i made those dirk comics. i reckon that dave would like john's dad, but for some reason i always imagined he'd be dead or in a different state when john and dave live together. in terms of what they'd do, i think dave would be a college dropout so he'd probably be working some really peculiar short-term one off jobs. like, gigs and costume mascot work. or he'd be doing some really weird crypto shit on the internet, which he'd think is really funny. like, he'd rake in a handful of money during the nft craze. i imagine john and dave trying to live a little and be teenagers during the time. so they'd show up to or have parties and they'd be getting up to some zany and boisterous teenage behavior. i think john would be studying at university and he'd have a job related to that. i'd bet that dad would help him pay for his expenses too. i think john would study computer science or something kind of nerdy like that. he'd be paying for most of the expenses at home. and he'd probably be doing most of the chores, but he wouldn't mind that much cause dave tries to contribute and he makes good company. john and dave would play video games a lot and go out to eat and see movies and stuff. just kind of really casual things. maybe they'd go out to arcades too. i suggest reading deacon_blue's moveout zine, which i enjoy a lot and has a similar basis. it is one of my favorite things produced out of the fandom regarding the beta kids. romantically, i like to imagine they don't actually get together until like, two years of living together. not much i can say about that but when it happens, it happens late. i can't formulate the words to describe this bit, but i'll end up drawing pictures later on. i hope this was enough, i can't really think of anything else unless i'm prompted with specific questions so if you have any i'd love to keep talking about this weird universe i've built in my head around them.

[normal-internet-user]

could you do a oneshot with rise donnie and gn reader where around other people they’re always fighting and never get along but in secret they’re dating and get along perfectly? love your writing <3

Yes. Just. Yes- Also tysm! I am literally so happy people enjoy my writing.

ACT

♡~~♡~~♡~~♡~~♡

Summary: You and Donnie decided to keep your relashonship a secret, so around his brothers you act like you can't stand each other.

Warnings: very minor swearing

Requested: Yep!

GN Reader!

.........................................

"Here we go." Leo groaned as the bickering from the kitchen grew closer.

"-least I'm smart enough to understand basic math."

"Ok, number one, it wasn't 'BaSiC MaTh', it was advanced calculus, and number two, at least I'm able to comprehend the concept of multi-universal travel."

Donnie laughed bitterly, "Scoff! (Name), we have discussed this. The idea of multi-universal travel is such an impossible concept-"

"YOU INTRODUCED THE CONCEPT TO ME YOU-"

"Ok, you two. That's enough, don't make me get the Getting Along shirt." Raph scowled at the two of you.

You crossed your arms, and glared at Donnie, with him scowling at you in turn. You had to admit, the two of you were incredible actors. Of course you didn't actually hate each other, this was simply theatrics to throw his family off the scent of your relashonship.

The two of you had agreed to keep your dating statis on the down-low, knowing that his brothers could be a bit... essentric.

In actuality, the two of you were quite sweet to each other when you were alone, having no need to keep up the act.

Raph sighed, "You two need to learn to get along. Maybe some time in the Lab would do you guy's some good." He then muttered, "And then we wouldn't have to listen to you argue."

"Fine." Donnie scoffed, then he looked at you, "But don't move anything. If you try to reorginize my toolbox again I swear to the pizza supreme-"

"Relax, smartass, I won't move your stuff."

The two of you began to walk to the Lab, Donnie continuing to glare at you, "That's what you said last time, then you put my blowtorch on shelf #7 instead of shelf #3."

You rolled your eyes, "A small mistake that has only occured once."

The Lab doors closed behind you, and you kissed Donnie on the cheek, "And I apologize."

Donnie cleared his throat, his face darker with his blush, "Well, I suppose you can be forgiven."

You nodded with a small smile, then flipped over a chalkboard to reveal the blueprints and plans for another A.I., a small project you two had been working on based on S.H.E.L.D.O.N's new found loneliness.

"So I was thinking that maybe, our current issue lies in the motherboards programming." you started, "Perhaps, with the proper examination, we could trace the bugs back to a faulty motherboard."

Donnie hummed, looking over the motherboard that lay among the other parts scattered on the table, "Good, observation my dear. I'll give it a quick check just to make sure."

You nodded, turning back to the chalkboard to double check the equations on the blueprints. The only noise in the room was the buzz of Donnie's goggles behind you, and you frowned.

The two of you worked best with music in the backround, this much silence was distracting in a way.

"Would you mind some music, Love?"

You and Donnie blinked at each other, then began giggling. You had moments like that often, where your minds just seemed to meld together.

Before either of you could say a thing, however, the loud voice of Leo cut through the air, "WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!"

You and Donnie whipped your heads around, your gazes meeting the incredulous ones of his three brothers.

Leo looked horrified at the concept of you and Donnie getting along. And "Love" ???

Raph and Mikey looked at the two of you, confusion evident on their features.

"But- I thought you two hated... each other..?" Mikey said, confused.

You looked at Donnie, the two of you having a silent conversation. He sighed and looked at his brothers, "Well, the jig is, as they say, up. We're dating. surprise!" you giggled as he made the jazz hands gesture, and Leo's mouth opened wider.

"Woah, woah- wait. wait wait WAIT. You two, are dating? when did that happen?"

Donnie looked at you, signaling it was your turn, "Uhm- like, last year? sometime in August."

"WHAT?"

You chuckled, and Donnie sighed, "Alright, we have work to do, so, out out. Shoo!"

Donnie pushed his protesting brothers out the door, promising to answer questions later, then all but slammed the door in their face.

He turned to you, his cheeks once again darker with his blush.

"Well, at least we don't have to pretend to hate each other anymore."

Donnie laughed, shaking his head as he sat back down, "You realize they won't leave us alone for like, the next 10 years, correct?"

You nodded and pulled your swivel chair to sit next to him, "I am well aware that's a possible outcome of the situation."

With a sigh, Donnie layed his head on your shoulder, and you smiled. Yes, perhaps the jig was indeed up, but at least now, you could burn that stupid script.

.........................................

There you go Anon! srry the ending kinda sucks, but I really enjoyed writing this one!

[breadslice2257]

Hi do you know Motley by @syrupyyyart yet? If not do you wanna know- just kidding of course you do now sit down and listed to me rant about my silly little oc okay it's probably fun I prommy

Tira Misu is graduate student studying Classics (or whatever the Motley equivalent of "ancient language studies" would be) at [insert name of Harmony City's premier university here lol]. They come across as an introvert if you have them as a student teacher but they actually just hate dealing with undergrads, they're a social butterfly otherwise. Despite that they kinda suck at communication so maybe don't pick them for your group project.

Some extra notes and doodles and such under the cut!

Tira misu is based on the dessert "tiramisu," which is a kind of Italian cake-y dessert that features cocoa powder, coffee, and ladyfingers, among other things. It's actually the only way I can tolerate consuming coffee but tiramisu is one of my favorite desserts and I wanted to make a tired grad student so I thought "why not?"

I wanted to make them look hawkish and a bit pointy, so I really hope that comes across. My main thought while drawing them was literally just "sharp angles and ironed folds" on repeat. Well, that and "who needs to cover your ✨️indecent shoulders✨️ when you can cover your whole neck instead."

Some fun facts that didn't end up on the sheet because I ran out of room:

- They're left handed. That was not intentional but I ended up drawing them that way without thinking and now it is truth.

- As per the lore which I'm assuming is still cannon, Tira runs hot as a fresh cup of coffee because they're a warm color. They only dress up for cold weather because it's a style opportunity.

- Tira looks calm and collected on the outside but they're constantly sprinting through their mind palace while trying to retrieve information at all times.

- Yes that middle brown is also the eyebag color. Yes I know the whole "earning your colors" thing only affects the clothing but I was having fun so please feel free to ignore it agdkdgf

- They don't try to be mean on purpose they're just Like That

- In case the "'Assigned male at birth'? I don't have that in my planner. When's it due?" wasn't clear enough they're a trans woman lol. If you simply must use gendered language they don't mind a "she" every once in a while, as a treat

The character sheet stuff is based on a template by cparrisart that I edited to only have the relevant categories that I wanted lol

Anyway go read about Motley and learn everything about it please it's so fun and cute and I adore everything about it please and thank youuu

[pascaloverx]

UNREQUITED LOVE

Summary: Being a new student is already complicated. But when you end up developing an unwanted crush on a schoolmate, everything seems to get worse. This particular schoolmate is romantically involved with someone. And to make matters worse, the popular school quarterback starts to bother you.

Author's Note: This fanfic will be short and set in the universe of the movie Bottoms (2023), directed by Emma Seligman, using the characters from the film. The characters do not belong to me. The fanfic will not strictly follow all the situations from the movie. I hope you enjoy it. Initially, there will be no adult content. There will only be inappropriate language and scenes of violence.

ONE THREE

TWO

Josie showed you around the entire school and then guided you to your first class, which happened to be her first class as well. She sat next to her girlfriend. You sat alone, noticing that neither the pretty girl from earlier nor the jerk from earlier were in this class. At least it's a good thing not having a partner for the chemistry project—no distractions. You begin to put on the lab coat and safety goggles to start an experiment written on the board. The teacher starts explaining what you have to do, and you take notes in your notebook. When you realize it, there's someone next to you.

"Is this seat taken?" You hear Hazel's soft voice close to your ear. Your body shivers and you even tremble slightly at the sensation of her being so close. Instinctively, you turn to face her.

"Yes, I mean no. There's no one sitting next to me." You speak a bit awkwardly but look her in the eyes. Piercing eyes, especially when you can't quite identify their color. Fearing you might seem creepy, you abruptly turn to the front as soon as she sits next to you.

"Do I make you uncomfortable?" Hazel asks while putting on her lab coat and safety goggles. You chuckle softly, as if she said something absurd.

"Don't flatter yourself. I'm just adjusting to the new school. It has nothing to do with you. My reaction would be the same with anyone." You respond, trying to divert her attention. She's in a relationship, and you don't want any trouble.

"Nonsense, you're uncomfortable because of me. Now it's just a matter of figuring out why. It can't be attraction; I saw you fawning over Jeff this morning. It's unlikely someone who has Jeff as their type would find me attractive." How could anyone in their right mind think your moment with Jeff was anything close to attraction? Sure, Jeff is attractive, but he literally only talks nonsense. You barely know him, but you already know that much. Besides, you're done with quarterbacks. But at least Hazel hasn't noticed your slight crush on her. Not all is lost.

"Sorry, but you're crazy. Or you need glasses. Jeff was rude to me, and I threatened to hit him. How could that be a sign that he's my type?" you say, looking at Hazel seriously, while she pours the first liquid of the experiment into the glass flask. She gives a mischievous smile that almost drives you mad.

"If he's not your type, does that mean I am?" Hazel says, seeming to tease you. You wait until you finish pouring the second liquid into the flask before you can look at her. You're side by side, watching as the liquid in the flask foams up and then spills over the laboratory table.

"Who's not the nerd's type?" Jeff appears beside you, surprising both you and Hazel. When you turn, his face ends up right in front of yours. It almost looks like you're about to kiss, which is awkward.

"My name isn't nerd. If you're going to butt into conversations I'm having, at least learn my damn name," you say impatiently, but Jeff finds it amusing. You glance at Hazel while Jeff laughs like an idiot, as if to say with your gaze, "And you thought I was into him."

"And what's your name, nerd?" Jeff asks, seeming to enjoy the proximity between you two as he doesn't move. You feel almost trapped until Hazel pulls her chair closer to hers, separating you two.

"Her name is Y/N, and we both need to finish this project. You should go find Tim and see if he wants his ego stroked," Hazel replies, as if she's rescuing you from the situation. You look at her gratefully, unable to express it in words.

"A nerd taking care of another. It's like watching a terrible nerd movie being produced right in front of me. But I'll let you two finish your stupid stuff. And Y/N, don't think you're getting away from me," Jeff says before leaving the lab, winking in your direction. What did you do to deserve this?

"On the bright side, at least now he knows your name," Hazel says, and you roll your eyes in her direction. For the love of God, you must be living a nightmare.

"You say the most absurd things. I don't know, sometimes there are more productive ways to use your mouth than talking nonsense," you say, still looking at Hazel, who leans forward, getting closer to you.

"In what way do you suggest I use my mouth?" Hazel asks, getting closer. You unintentionally glance at her lips, wondering what they taste like. But then the bell signaling the end of class rings, and you both pull away.

"You've been a great lab partner. I'm looking forward to continuing this project with you," you say, standing up and removing your lab coat and goggles. Hazel does the same. But before you can escape, she stands in front of you, blocking your path to the door.

"This is my number. Feel free to text me anytime you need to talk or when you realize this project is going to last the whole semester, which means we'll be seeing a lot of each other outside of class," Hazel says, handing you a piece of paper. She smiles at your surprised expression, clearly enjoying the fact that you're caught off guard by the idea of seeing each other outside of school. Then she leaves the room, leaving you speechless.

[undeletable]

Hi, please advise:

I'm an NPD/BPD/SZPD-haver (medicated and in treatment since 2011) who is best friends with someone who is suspected to have ASPD, NPD and HPD tendencies. Her symptoms are so severe that they damage her relationships. Following one or two sessions with a counselor who noted that she has these tendencies, she is not in treatment because she doesn't think anything is wrong. That, I can't change, so I am just trying to be a supportive friend while maintaining my own boundaries.

There is something specific that sticks out to me and that is her language abnormalities. Olivia issues a lot of contradicting statements, omits important details in conversations, and seems to have grown up using a dictionary that the rest of us did not have – but expects everyone to know exactly what she means when she speaks. More on that and other behaviors/thoughts below the cut.

I am wondering how to kindly point out when she isn't making sense and that I think she needs professional help. It is impossible to offend her, so I'm not worried about hurting her feelings, but I want to be constructive and clear.

Additional details:

- extremely low empathy

- serious alexithymia; has "head emotions" like me, but they're very faint and she can just "push them away". She has made an impressive habit out of this.

- Unable to communicate properly: I think the best example is a past work conflict where she said she'd need four days to finish a project. Four days passed and the project was not done. What she had meant was four days spread out across several weeks. She was bewildered when her workplace did not understand this.

Another example: When she was getting ready for her master's program, she told me that she wouldn't be talking to anybody. When I followed up with her about this because it had made me a bit sad, she backpedaled hard and said that what she had meant was that she would be less available. "Unavailable" and "less available" are two very different things. I was confused as to why she hadn't just said what she meant. This happens a lot. I just remain patient and get clarity on what she means, but sometimes I think even she doesn't know what she means.

- Idiosyncratic beliefs: A thought experiment in university about the possibility of calling a friend during a game show, and winning $1 million if the friend picks up, but losing it all if they don't, convinced her that she needs to pick up every call she receives. Even if it's a robocall. Because a friend might be in that kind of situation and she wants to make sure they win...which is nice, but...

- Masking: like me, she puts on a façade for everyone she knows. Unlike me, she adjusts her persona for each friend group, and after time spent away from them, finds it hard to adjust from group to group. We have agreed not to mask around each other.

- abusive upbringing obv

- Often hurts people with the things she says, even when she doesn't mean to. We've talked about this and have an agreement that if she says something hurtful to me, I can talk to her about it and she will try not to be defensive or evasive about it.

- She changes her mind a lot on things related to values and principles, to the point of true cognitive dissonance. She's been a Communist since high school, but last year said she would have voted for the federal conservative party.

At one point she enthused that it was "incredible" that the provincial conservative party had started polling so strongly. Then, half a year later, when I asked her if she ever feels strong hatred, she said that she hates the provincial conservatives because they are so stupid.

This woman is 28 years old and has a degree in political science 😂 Unsure what changed in either of these cases, but it was her enthusiasm and then vehemence that threw me.

- Gets triggered when other people express emotions like fear, grief or insecurity. She doesn't sense it, but I've noticed how her body language changes (freezing), and her eyes become very distant.

- Has two kinds of tells when making false statements: expressive and brief. Either her inflections become more dynamic, she's more energetic, and she gestures a lot; or, she tells the lie in a single sentence and then stops altogether. She doesn't go on chatting about herself as usual. It's like she doesn't know she's lying, but her body somehow does.

[twisted-tales-of-all]

My Universe Returns to Me

Summary: Missing your boyfriend, you surprise him by watching the final concert of his group's tour, followed by a wonderful night together for the first time in months. Pairing: Stray Kids' Bangchan x afab!Reader Genre: Smutty One-shot with loads of fluff AUs/Tropes: idol!AU, established relationship, temporary-ldr, first meeting after a while Word Count: 2.1k Warnings: description-heavy, slight tinge of jealousy, occasional teasing, body worship (f. receiving), praise, unprotected sex, slight begging, orgasm (m. and f. receiving), breast fondling/nipple play, creampie, slight overstim during aftercare, it's pretty fluffy sex because Chris is a so deeply in love A/N: a drabble request turned into a full piece oops, I still italicized the prompts like the drabbles. Special thanks to the spirit who came to help me write this (they want to stay anon), and I hope everyone enjoys! As always, feel free to point out any missed warnings, and please reblog with feedback/reactions<3

It'd been far too long since you'd last met your boyfriend since they're currently on tour, so you decide to surprise him at the last concert. Sitting in the company-designated seats towards the back of the crowd, you take a picture of the stage and send it to him while they're doing soundcheck. When they head backstage again, you get a slew of messages in response, some just keyboard smashes and others excitedly asking whether he'd be able to see you later. Finally, he pouts about having to put his phone away and wishes for you to enjoy the show.

You choose not to answer most of his messages, simply telling him to have fun and that you can't wait to see him. The concert goes as smoothly as any last stop does, with plenty of tears and sappy moments sprinkled amongst the singing, dancing, and rehearsed skits. You take plenty of pictures of the screens that project the members to their fans, especially when your boyfriend is plastered on screen for all to see. After the concert ends, the VIP event begins. You watch all the lucky VIPs line up for their high fives and quick chats with the members, but you know better than to join that line - even if the company tickets come with the option to. The boys would all be too excited to see you, and you're not trying to get jumped by hundreds of fans for befriending the group. You walk out of the venue and make your way to the hotel, silently thanking Felix for telling you where they were staying so you could get a room in the same hotel.

Lounging in your room for an hour or so, your mind wanders to the VIP event. A pang in your chest alerts you of your slight jealousy of the fans who see your boyfriend before you, but you shove the thought away by remembering Chris' words from the last time you felt undeserving of him.

"No matter how well I treat the fans, I'm always thinking of you, y'know. You never leave my mind, and even all the stars are by your side. You're perfect in my eyes, and I'm always going to be by your side."

Taking yourself out of your head, you hear your phone ring. Answering without even checking the name, you don't get a word out before the chaos erupts from the other end.

"Where are youuuu? I want to see you and hug you and kiss you and hold you already." Chris whines, making you smile but roll your eyes.

The disgusted screams in the background prompt you to ask him whether they've returned to the hotel yet, but Felix's screams answer before Chris can, "Tell 'im to wait until he's alone to do this! We don't wanna hear him gush!"

Despite his pouts, you tell your boyfriend to call you back when he reaches the hotel, knowing he'll call the moment the van pulls up to the building. When you get the call, you give him the room number and tell him that he can come straight up if he wants or wait until he washes up. Within minutes, you hear someone knock on your door. He has a bag with his change of clothes and insists that it's easier to wash up in your room instead of waiting his turn for the showers in their four rooms. You roll your eyes, but he hugs you so tightly the moment the door closes that you can't help but smile. When the boys say he's whipped for you, these moments prove that for you.

After the initial hellos, filled with long hugs and dozens of kisses of varying intensities, he asks how you enjoyed the concert. His eyes fill with worry and anticipation, but they soften again as you tell him about all of the new pictures you have to tease everyone with. At the end of your ramble, you mention the event and pout about how he's STAY's boyfriend. He tilts his head as his face twists into a sad apologetic gaze, so you finish with a half-joke.

"Call me selfish, but I don't ever want anyone else to touch you."

He cups your cheeks as he teases you for being possessive, "Awh, my love feels like they aren't getting enough attention? Is that why you came all this way? You missed me that much?"

Even though he's eating it up, you point out that he's even more possessive, "You'd miss me just as bad if you didn't beg me for pictures every single day!"

"Shh, don't worry, I'll take very good care of you. You came all this way, after all."He deflects, turning on his deeper, more sultry voice as he leans in to kiss you again, trying to distract you from the topic of his own neediness.

The kiss holds more longing than those from earlier, as it's somehow softer but more sexually charged than before. Deepening the kiss, Chris puts a hand on the small of your back, guiding you to lean back and lie flat on the bed. As he holds himself above you, he relishes the moment - you're finally here with him after months of being apart for the tour, your lips soft and your hands safely resting on the back of his neck. You were right, after all; he'd lose his mind if he wasn't getting your daily selfies and updates. It showed in his movements now, as he melted into you, verifying to himself that it's not too good to be true - that the love of his life was in his grasp again.

He pulls away slightly, brushing a stray hair from your beautiful face as he gazes at you with love-filled eyes, getting himself lost in the sparkles in your eyes, shining as brightly as the stars in the night sky.

"Chris, stop staring at me. I'm getting shy."

"But you're so beautiful, I want to admire you some more." The distant smile on his face tells you more than his words do; how happy he must be and how unreal it must feel.

"It's not a dream. I can't lie here for you to stare at forever."

Taking that as his cue, he starts kissing your body, worshipping your very existence. Careful not to move your clothes much yet, he takes his time to kiss every knuckle on your hands and each mole on your exposed skin. You squirm, giving him another sign to move forward, and he obliges by slowly sliding his hands under your shirt. He hooks his thumbs under the hem as he glides his hands up your torso, leaving goosebumps from how softly he touches you. As he reaches your chest, his fingers graze over the lacy fabric of your bra, and you notice his jaw tighten as he resists the urge to pull your shirt off faster. Already committed to his worshipping today, he resists where he otherwise wouldn't.

Fully removing your shirt, his fingers gloss over your shoulders and make their way to your beautifully decorated breasts. Tracing the edges of the fabric, he muses about how beautiful you look in between kisses to your collarbones and upper chest. Careful not to focus on your breasts too much, he lowers himself, leaving a trail of soft kisses from the bottom of the bra down to the hem of your pants. He isn't as slow removing your pants, undoing them and pulling them down quickly to see you in your adorably delectable matching set. A deep growl forms in the back of his throat, prompting praise after praise of how wonderful you look and how glad he is knowing that you're all his.

Your face and core heat up even more at the praises thrown at your exposed body despite him praising you endlessly throughout the relationship. No matter what he says nor however many times he says similar things, they always feel so deeply genuine that you can't help the knot in your stomach or the blush forming on your face. As he lowers his face between your thighs, the knot in your stomach tightens. Alternating his kisses between your thighs, you continuously feel his warm breath, especially when he hovers over your covered entrance to admire the soaked-through fabric.

Getting desperate for him to touch the places he's actively avoiding, you whine, "Chris, please. I need you. Stop teasing."

Although he insists that he wasn't teasing, your begs kick him enough to stop fighting his urges. Quickly removing his clothes, you notice his cock throbbing already. Not one to waste time teasing himself, he quickly works to pull your panties down, groaning as a string of your wetness follows the movement. Too tempted by seeing you exposed to him like this, he doesn't bother to remove your bra. As he settles between your legs, you quickly remove it yourself, letting your breasts free of the cage you chose to show them off to your boyfriend in.

Before lining himself up, he drags two of his fingers between your lower lips, gathering up your pre-cum. Rubbing it on the tip of his dick, he counts that as enough lube as he's too eager to feel your walls engulf him to do more preparation. As he lines himself, he looks to you for approval, sliding in slowly after your nod.

The noise leaving his lips as he bottoms out sounds heavenly and feral mixed perfectly together. And you can't even blame him; he feels so good inside you, filling you up perfectly with his thickness pressing against your walls and fighting against your tightness. He pulls back slowly until he's only half inside before thrusting in again sharply. You love it when he does this, feeling like he's trying to connect the two of you together so eagerly, wanting to feel you always.

He picks up the pace, rocking his hips to continue hitting your best spots. You try to cover your mouth to muffle the inhuman noises he's pushing out of you, but when he lifts your legs over his shoulders, you can't contain yourself anymore. The sly one-sided smile painting his face tells you that he's enjoying himself, earning those kinds of sounds from you.

Between thrusts, he teases, "You, you missed me, a lot, huh?"

Moving one hand from your hips to your breast, he cups it to display your nipple to him. Keeping pace, he leans forward and takes your nipple in his mouth, swirling his tongue around it and sucking gently. As you tighten from the sensation, he groans against you, sending vibrating chills from your perky nipple to the rest of your body. All of the combined sensations work you up, and you feel your orgasm building as he continues thrusting deep inside you.

"Don't stop... Please, I'm close." You warn him.

He focuses on his thrusts, keeping a steady rhythm as he feels you clenching tighter around him again. A deep, guttural moan against your breast brings you over the edge, your orgasm rippling through your whole body as you shake and moan uncontrollably. Riding it out, Chris lifts his head to watch your face contort from the pleasure, praising you for not hiding yourself this time.

"There you go, my love. Feel it out. Let everything out. Good job."

When you come down from your high, you notice his thrusts getting sloppy. With both hands back on your hips, his grip tightens as he nears his own climax. As his grunts become more animalistic, he finishes inside you with one final deep thrust. The warm liquid fills you as his fingertips dig into your skin, only to release seconds later as his high comes to an end.

You watch his face writhe as he slowly pulls out of you. He quickly grabs one of the washcloths from the bathroom, wetting it slightly with warm water, and rubs your opening lightly with it. Wincing from the stimulation, you grab at the sheets. You know he's just trying to clean you off, but you're so sensitive from your orgasm that you can't help your reaction.

"Shh, I know. I'm sorry. I just want to help love." He places the cloth over your throbbing core and adds, "I'll draw you a bath, too. I'll hold you in there so you can rest properly."

Quietly, your voice hoarse from your screams, you call to him as he walks to the bathroom again, "Thank you, Chris. You're the best."

"Only because it's you. I love you, Y/N."

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Muffin! It's ASP Inc, the conglomerate made up of the companies formerly known as Apple, Sony, and Pepsi-Co. Based on your credentials with prior projects, you've been conscripted again for another big budget Twilight media project! Probably the CEO is on drugs, but congrats on your $500m dollar budget.

Your task is to design a big-budget Twilight video game. "But I don't really play that many video games," you maybe say? Idk, the CEO doesn't seem to care and is maybe using this project for tax evasion, so your instructions are "Just make us a Twilight game with gameplay stolen from a popular thing like a Minecraft, Fortnight, Among Us, whatever the kids nowadays are playing. Maybe a Mario? Are Marios still a thing?? I played Oregon Trail on my mac once. Stick some story in it. Give it the Muffin treatment, kids like Muffins!"

Your project brief must include:

1) What non-story-based gameplay mechanic you're stealing ("It's like a Mario!") 2) What story set in the Twilight Universe (tm) you've decided is most game-able. 3) Where you're spending the big bucks.

Thank you and good luck! (I hope this is fun and not, you know, annoying)

That would be a very silly thing for them to do.

Caveat

Twilight already is a video game: it's a visual novel. You are Bella Swan, first person point of view, checking out hottie mchottie across the hall. You don't know it, but the wrong action you take, even if it's arriving in the parking lot late: you die.

It's up to you to find Bella's golden path to survival which is in fact the Twilight novels we know and love.

Ordinarily, I'm a big skeptic of medium jumps without much thought, especially to and from video games as they usually don't transition well. However, in this case, we're already there.

You don't even have to change that much of the narrative structure since it's all in first person and we have the visuals as we know exactly what everyone looks like down to what exact shade of red their hair is.

There's not much for me to do.

But That Will Never Fly/Isn't What You Asked For

It sounds like this merger corporation doesn't really understand Twilight or video games which is not surprising. So, I have to make a real person video game which is just like that thing the kiddos are playing.

And since I'm going to hell anyway: I'm making a Twilight game that's RDR/GTA styled and we're going wild.

You're Bella Swan going to high school but you can wander around the town of Forks/the world at large and do whatever the fuck you want. This often gets you killed horribly. You go to Mexico: you're eaten by vampires. You go to Alaska: you get fucked by vampires and have a wild time in their sauna. You go to Egypt: some guy named Amun locks you in a tomb where you hang out with Benjamin, Tia, and Amun's angry wife. You can take missions for the Volturi, which they never asked you to do, and every time you collect a bounty a Volturi member will give you a weird look and ask "what the fuck is wrong with you/why are you here?" but you'll earn in game rewards as they publicly shame you.

You can also get into affairs with your human friends and ruin Jessica's love life, go to Prom with five people, and so on and so forth.

You can also get involved in the La Push community where they stare at you for being this person who clearly doesn't belong and try to seduce Leah into a lesbian love affair with you. (This is a very difficult quest, Leah's not impressed and very confused and going through it with Sam right now). You get to hear all of people's drama that's going on in the side lines.

The actual plot is dating Edward, and somehow, he doesn't notice all your wild adventures because he can't read your mind and while he's been stalking you every time you leave the state he loses your scent.

Your missions are surprisingly difficult as you have to avoid death by Edward by saying the right things and avoid death by everything else in the universe by navigating Port Angeles correctly (shockingly hard as the rapists somehow corner you at every turn). You also get missions during the Hallucination Edward arc as you have to do increasingly difficult and dangerous things to get Hallucination Edward to appear at which point your player character gets sweet sweet endorphins.

In the online player mode, where you've probably become a vampire, you can engage in vampire warfare where the losing condition is you killed too many humans so the Volturi come to kill all of you.

And yes, of course, there is an honor system but you blow it yourself as Bella's honor plummets during New Moon when she has to endanger herself and others to see Edward.

The money's going into a) graphics b) the sheer open worldness allowed in the number of quests, the random events, and all that good points.

Conclusion

I imagine they ask me how I will market this game to Twilight's audience, who are presumably the only ones who will play this game, and I claim, "Young women love grand theft auto!"

[cho-aaacho]

—Sugar Coating

Masterlist

Summary : All of these times, Choso always treated you like a dependable friend—sharing seven colors with him and standing in the same clouds. Yet he seems oblivious to your deeper feelings. So you try to do something.

"So, do you prefer mountains or beaches?" 

"Choso-kun?"

"I'm planning to ask you on vacation, summer holidays, I guess? So... maybe, it would be nice if I invited you. My brothers will be happy too."

You place the fish food on the table and gaze at Choso for a moment. He was just there, sitting on the table while revealing a gentle smile. He was so calm, to be honest, you could see from those eyes. Something rare for him to show.

"Um... maybe mountains?"

It's rather uncommon for Choso to extend invitations, given his preference for spending quality time with his brothers and the bandmates from his music group. 

With you, he consistently drowned himself in college projects, building walls that seemed to keep any romantic connection between your eyes and his heart.

Honestly, it's a bit frustrating; he treats you like a friend, only a friend. Treating you like someone dependable, someone who cares about him and his brothers. Yet, why does he still have no idea about your kindness?

Day by day, night by night, as you share warm smiles and laughter with him, something within you blooms. It's odd but undeniably overwhelming.

He nods and exchanges smiles, musing. "Mountains? Alright... so, mountains, huh?"

He glides closer, a gentle smile on his lips wrapping you in his gentleness, enveloping your presence alongside Choso's.

Standing by your side, he lovingly touches the aquarium with his nail. His reflection is cast upon the glass, eyes tracked on the fish, following its beautiful golden scales.

"You are always in this place whenever you feel down, don't you? Are you alright? You come here about three times a week, you worry about me."

A silence falls between you and him, affirming Choso's astute observation. 

You came here practically every day to clear your mind. This was an abandoned room at the university that Yuuji transformed into a refreshing chamber with a large aquarium, claiming that it would aid his bandmates and you in revitalizing the struggle.

You love the atmosphere here, the blend of his warmth and coolness, and you love spending your time with Choso here. 

This room was your place whenever your sadness or loneliness flooded in, finding the comfort side in Choso's company that filled your longing and sorrow.

You chuckle. "Um..., Choso-kun is right. I've been thinking about something lately, but it's a bit difficult to put into words."

He nodded. "Oh... I'm always here to help you; that's why I've come to ask you to—"

You clear your throat and interrupt him by saying, "Choso-kun, we're both adults, right? So... I believe you understand that our relationship goes beyond just helping each other. It's not always about you assisting me or me assisting you. There's more to it."

He mused for a moment, blankly gazing at the aquarium. "Oh... am I late in realizing everything? I didn't intend to bring you down."

Continuing, he said, "I always thought maybe you treated me that way because you enjoy helping people. I guess I was mistaken about everything. Yuuji and Aoi joked that I was stupid, and my brothers thought I was just a coward. At first, I believed they were just teasing me."

"Until I witnessed you talking with Megumi, sharing laughter and smiles��you looked pretty there. I understand that all of your laughter and smiles weren't meant for me but for Megumi's. At that moment, I realized I was developing something for you."

Turning towards you, he delicately touched your chin with his fingertips, leaving a gentle touch on your skin. "...it's jealousy."

You are struggling to find words as he leans closer to you, planting a nice yet sweet kiss on your lips. It was only for a split second before his kiss awakened your lips.

He's so warm... 

smooth... 

...wet and cute.

You let him take the lead for a few more seconds, before finally wrapping his arms around you and pressing your body against him, staking a claim.

He giggles between the kisses as he asks, "Thank you, so... is it a yes? Will you go out with me? Do you accept my love?"

Teasingly, you responded, "You didn't even confess properly, Choso-kun. But I think... it's a yes."

[ratlesshonret]

Song Analysis - And Then is Heard No More

Part 0 - The Part You Skip if You Just Want the Analysis

Hi! Its me again! Last time I analyzed Children of the City, and someone requested an analysis of And Then is Heard No More, which I've actually already written in the past.

With that said, this entire analysis was posted on Reddit about a month ago, and I'm simply reposting it here for a new audience. If there's any formatting errors from the copy-paste action, please let me know.

Part 1 - Analysis of Lyrics

If you don't already know, this song is about Philip from Library of Ruina. Its his Character Song. I assume you did know, but this is just so we're all on the same page.

Do the candles look forward to being used? Enjoy bidding adieu, adieu? Every word I have saved for you came out wrong Afterwards, so I spoke no more

(credit to tumblr user tearychildren for helping me analyze this verse)

In the first two lines of the song, Philip is wanting to be reassured. He's looking for solace, for comfort, attempting to convince himself that his life was worth it. The metaphor, with candles looking forward to being used, is meant to represent humanity. If I were to translate, I'd say he's asking, "Do people look forward to burning out and doing nothing, before dying?"

Philip wants to know he didn't waste his life. He wants to be told that all there is to life is burning out immediately. Because if he was told there's more to life, he might not be able to handle it. He wants reassurance, to be told that this is the fate of everyone.

The latter two lines refer to Philip's co-worker Yuna. In the Unstable Book of the Crying Children, Philip details a failed love confession to Yuna, which is almost certainly what this verse is about. When his confession didn't work, he likely internalized it as him just saying something wrong, and thus he decided to "speak no evil."

Would you say That someone who had every intention to be brave Was a coward?

This line speaks to several things. The first, and most obvious, is that Philip wants to know if he has been a coward. He wants to know if all his fleeing and denying of the facts makes him cowardly, even if he intended to be brave.

And this details a theme of his whole arc: Philip wants to be a hero, but he can't be one.

The second thing this line speaks about is the Project Moon universe's general question of, "Do the thoughts/intentions behind your actions matter, or the actions themselves?" Is it enough to have just wanted to be brave? Or do you need to act the part, as well?

In my opinion, Philip was a coward. He made attempts not to be, but they all fell short, sometimes for reasons in his control and sometimes for not. And I don't think his "intention to be brave" is enough to absolve him of that.

Must be great being you Power comes as second nature Must feel amazing to be longed for, longed for

Philip has this trend of blaming everything but himself. This verse starts the detailing of the dichotomy in his mind, which leads to immense hypocrisy. Philip sees himself as inherently weak, and due to this, he doesn't feel like he can be held to the same standards as everyone else. He can deflect people's criticisms of him by just playing the, "I'm weak, I couldn't have done anything" card.

It also appears Philip believes in "inherent ability." That someone can be born better than another person. But he doesn't take this idea to its logical extreme.

If other people are born better than him, and thus Philip is the only one doing the noble climb to be strong, then why isn't he strong? If he thought it through, he'd know the answer: he isn't trying hard enough. He just expects his heroic opportunity to be handed to him.

Philip almost seems to think he's the only one who has to work for his success, despite him being basically given a position that many people could only dream of.

But there's a reason he doesn't take this idea to its extreme. Because in its current state, it acts as a shield. If other people are inherently better than him, then he doesn't need to be held to their standards. He enjoys having the ability to just block out blame by using weaponized incompetence.

(I opened my eyes) Cemented excuses to my lash-line So I could see no more

At the very least, in the end, Philip seems to admit that he's just making excuses. At every turn, he finds reasons that he couldn't have done more. In every situation, he manages to blame someone other than himself for what happened. But deep down, he knows that his friend's deaths and the killing of three other people he went to for help is his fault.

In Philip's foolish quest for vengeance and heroism, he got three innocent people killed.

And this is where I want to detail the second part of this dichotomy. Philip claims everyone is better than him, sure, but he also thinks he's some legendary hero. He uses this idea that he's some heroic figure to ignore the guilt for his actions.

If he's able to go into the Library with Wedge Office and strike down the ones who killed his colleagues, then it'd all be worth it. That was probably his rationale for dragging those three into the library with him. If he can get vengeance, he'll be the hero. And if the people of Wedge Office have to die, then he'll make that sacrifice if he can get his epic final battle.

And in this battle... if he dies, he doesn't need to worry anymore. And if he wins, he'll be a hero.

Which is why he gets neither.

Philip has to face reality. He isn't a hero. He isn't just some unfairly tortured soul, waiting for his chance to be written down as a legend in the history books. At the end of the day... he's just Philip.

Not to say he doesn't try! In the Philip fight during the Wedge Office Reception, he is very powerful, and fully intends to destroy the Library or die trying. For once in his life, he is determined to do something, which is why he's able to manifest EGO. His desire to be a hero, his desire to win, creates a sword and wings with which to fight with.

As one last aside, let's talk about Philip's EGO. He has a flaming sword, which is very traditional for heroes. The knight holding a flaming sword over a dragon's head, that kind of thing. But he also has burning, melting wings. Which calls back to the tale of Icarus, who in his excitement to finally fly, went to close to the sun and had his wings melted.

Just like Icarus, Philip, in his excitement to finally be the hero, brought three people to their deaths and compounded his own guilt because of some selfish desire to avenge his friends. That was his, "fly too close to the sun."

So which home should someone as weak as I go? (And which sky should I aim for when I've only been low?) I have only been low

Yet again, Philip is pointing out how weak he is. He wants a place to belong, a place to go, now that his friends are all dead. And he also seems to be continuing to avoid blame. He can't aim very high, because he's so pathetic that he'd just fail anything too hard. He doesn't need to try and aim higher, because he has already decided he isn't capable of anything. It shields him from the guilt of not doing enough.

Day and night, your ghosts continue to haunt me Tell me who to be

This references the scene at the 8 o'Clock Circus, where Philip distorts. When he is shown his own visions of his colleagues, they do nothing but blame him for his actions, and in some cases, his inaction.

We get a front-seat look into what Philip thinks they'd say to him.

Both of them are cruel. But he doesn't want to hear it. As they criticize him, he covers his ears and closes his eyes, not wanting to confront the fact that he made the wrong choice.

But he has to confront it. It's impossible not to. Which is why he ends up distorting.

If I went with you, will there be happily ever afters? Sipping on tea I steeped together, together

At this point, Philip seems to wish he had just died with his friends. He wants to know if he'd be happier in whatever afterlife that exists if he hadn't just continued to make a fool out of himself. Its definitely sad, how Philip just seems resigned to the idea of death at this point.

He just wants to have tea with them again.

(Read me a story of a hero born knowing the all) Read me a book of me So I could hear no more

Finally, we get to the last verse. Philip wants to know what his book says. Or, more accurately, he wants to think that when he dies, his book will be about how heroic he was. About how he was born as some tragic figure, who overcame all the negativity in his life and became a legend.

But of course, his actual book is mostly just about the times he was a coward and refused to face reality.

Not only does he want to think his book would be about his heroism, he doesn't want to hear different. He wants someone to tell him how amazing he was, until he can't hear any of the negative things other people have to say. He wants to ignore reality for his petty hero fantasy.

Philip is a hypocrite.

He's simultaneously too weak to try anything, and too heroic to be criticized.

He admits how cowardly he is, and then desires to be told he's a brave hero.

Philip is maybe a prime example of cognitive dissonance.

Part 2 - Summary

Despite all of this... I can't bring myself to hate Philip. He's cowardly, hypocritical, ignores any criticism, hides in his own fantasies, and uses his incompetence as a shield to block anything he doesn't want to hear. But I don't hate him.

Honestly, I think most people would act how he did in his situation.

I understand running for your life. And I understand the survivor's guilt that comes with that.

And revenge is just a natural human desire.

In terms of his actions, which I think is what matters, his gravest sin is dragging three innocent people into his revenge quest.

And Then Is Heard No More is, in essence, both Philip explaining how he got to where he is, and wanting to be told he didn't make any mistakes. Even in the end, he's too cowardly to own up to them.

Because that's who Philip is.

Part 3 - Final Part

So yeah, that's And Then is Heard No More. I like this song, and I like Philip. I hope you all enjoyed this copy-pasted analysis.

[bvidzsoo]

Love Me Like A Rockstar (4)

ー☆ Chapter 4: Comatose

Author: bvidzsoo

Pairing: Song Mingi x female reader

ー☆ Warning: cussing, mentions of a panic attack ー☆ Word count: 8.1k ー☆ Genre: university!au, enemies to lovers!au, rockstar!au ー☆ Rating: sfw ー☆ Summary: Love. You wanted none of it. You had already been heartbroken very badly once, you didn't wish to go through that ever again. But the Universe works in intricate ways and, somehow, you found yourself webbed up in a local rockstar's life, Song Mingi. He was everything you expected him to be, yet nothing like you imagined him he would be. What happens when you find mutual understanding and have heartful conversations? Will he be able to break down your walls? Will you be able to chase away his darkness?

A/N: Hello, lovelies! The long awaited 4th chapter is here and omg I'm so sorry for the long wait! I haven't even realized it's been a month since my last update...but I had a lot of stuff to do for my University and just didn't find the time to write, but here I am now, and I'll try to update next week or after that! I promise you'll have lots of Mingi next chapter *wink wink*, but I hope after reading this chapter Yn's attitude will make more sense, and that she won't be so insufferable anymore to you all reading. Please listen to the fourth song Comatose before or while reading this chapter! Yes, I have totally made Mingi wear his waterbomb outfit in this chapter because waterbomb Mingi shall NEVER be forgotten, goodbye. Please leave feedback, I truly appreciate it! Enjoy now! I have a surprise coming next chapter, hehet^^

Taglist: @orshii @or5i @lovely-red2 @juicy-red @scarfac3 @sunaswifes-blog @voicesinmyhead-rc @teez-the-time @maru-matt @kyeos4ng

⟨Series M.list ↭ Previous Chapter⟩

♫Playlist♫

『I don't care enough to miss you

After all the shit we've been through

My heart's comatose, comatose』

The blinking of the cursor was staring back at me mockingly, a reminder that my fingers haven’t moved in the past ten minutes. No thoughts connected to the theme of my project came to mind, no matter how hard I tried and how many articles I read. My mind seemed to be blank at the moment and it seemed like it wouldn’t get any better anytime soon. To be honest, I wasn’t feeling well. And that usually reflects in my work and influences my whole mood, and even day. I thought I would have a very productive day as I got ready this morning and went to the library to finish my art assignment, however, the little kick I had, came crushing down the second Mingi decided to sit with me. Well, perhaps that one small factor wasn’t the real reason which ruined my mood and brought me to the brink of a panic attack, and the current void and emptiness I have been feeling in my chest ever since. Perhaps it was the mention of Jeong Yunho and the reminder of how little I have always meant to him. My lower lip quivered again, and I allowed myself to fall back in the chair I was sitting in, staring up at my white ceiling in desperation. Why did it have to be him? Why did it have to be Yunho again? Was the Universe having a laugh at me? What were the chances that this Song Mingi was the same Song Mingi Yunho never shut up about while we were dating? It was frustrating. It was maddening and it was…mocking. I couldn’t help but feel bitter the longer I allowed the image of Mingi and Yunho laughing, hanging out, falling all over each other, linger in my mind. Their hearts filled with joy and their time spent with endless conversations, late night trips to the convenience store, random road trips and the overall feeling of knowing that you always had one person you could rely on no matter what. What did Mingi have that I didn’t? What did Yunho see in him that he never saw in me? Why was Mingi better than me? And why…was I suddenly feeling this vial jealousy creeping up in my chest like an ugly monster, the whisper of thoughts I have always tried to push to the depths of my mind after Yunho’s sudden, but heartbreaking, departure from my life?

『Straight coats and empty cabinets

Ashes from all the mess you left

New lease without you

I confess that I'm happy you're gone』

What was it about Song Mingi that Yunho was so infatuated with? What was it with Song Mingi that everyone seemed to like and gravitate towards? All I could see was the arrogance and self-centeredness rolling off of him in waves any time he entered a room. The need to shine and be the center of attention, to be the only person anyone was able to see, to focus on. The constant smirk or grin on his lips, almost always mocking or just an awful reminder that he was better than you—it was subtle, but it was there. The mischievous glint in his eyes as he watched your every move, hiding behind a wall of emotionlessness, sharp eyes watching but not giving anything away. There was no honesty in his expressions or in his actions. But why did nobody else see that? Why was I the only one picking up on how insincere Mingi actually was? Why did nobody question what he hid behind those dark and sharp eyes? His face so often void of any emotion. And then, to further prove my confusion, the Mingi I talked to today was—why did he feel different? Everything staring from his appearance to his behavior was unlike the infuriating person I have come to know. He portrayed a calm and collected nature, albeit still mischievous as he had taken my sketchbook without my permission, yet it was so clear on his face that he didn’t have any mal intentions. What prompted him to approach me out of the blue and why did he look almost…lonely? What drew him to smile so much and so freely? It certainly couldn’t have been me; I have done everything I could to make him feel unwelcome and uncomfortable, yet he…stayed. He talked without a care in the world, almost as if he forgot I would be judging his every move and sentence. He almost looked curious of who I was, trying to make conversation in which I did not want to engage in. What was it about Yunho that made his eyes sparkle so much? Why did Yunho have so much of an influence on Mingi? Why did it have to be Mingi? Why does Yunho have to be everywhere around me even after he leaves? Does Yunho really mean that much to Mingi? Just how deep is their bond? But the most jarring thought amidst the spiraling of my mind into a place I did not wish for it to go, was a very simple one. Why do I care about Song Mingi all of a sudden? Why do all these things matter to me all of a sudden? Who is Song Mingi to me to send me into an existential crisis, into a state of nervosity, and restlessness, and so much bitterness? He’s just a guy. A guy who is very irritating, arrogant, self-centered, and a pushover. A guy who only wants attention and is superficial. A guy who forgets about you the second he’s turned his back to you. A guy who only likes you until you’re new and exciting. When you start becoming boring, what does it matter anymore? Why would he keep you around for longer? Perhaps him and Yunho have more in common than I would have thought at first.

『So used to pain that it's my remedy

Easy to hate, I gave you everything

Funny that you're the one that ran away

You left me first』

I couldn’t do this anymore, I had to stop thinking. I needed my brain to shut up, to stop torturing me more than I was already hurting. I refused to reach my breaking point again just because Mingi mentioned that Yunho was his best friend—why was I giving him so much power? Trying to snap out of it, I groaned loudly as I rubbed my eyes with the heel of my palms, sitting up straight again to try and focus for the last time on my project. I had to get this done in two days, I really couldn’t slack off anymore. So, I opened the previous tab I was reading from and scrolled up in order to start reading the article from the beginning once again, hoping that the words in it would finally stick. But despite my attempt to finally focus on the only important task at hand, the loud ping of my phone quickly pulled my attention away from it. I jumped at the loud sound and cursed silently, having forgotten to put my phone on ‘do not disturb’. My eyes snapped down to it mildly annoyed, but quickly furrowed when I realized it was a message from an unknown number. I stared at it for a few seconds, eyebrows furrowing in suspicion.

Unknown: are u coming to Outlaw tonight?

Before I could really control myself, curiosity overtook me. It must’ve been someone who knows me since they were asking about Outlaw. They must have seen me there last time.

Me: who’s this? Unknown: mingi lol

My eyebrows instantly furrowed as I stared down at the message, my stomach doing a weird flip. My fingers hovered over the screen of my phone, tempted to just quickly block his number and forget about the past ten seconds, because what the fuck? How did he even get my number? I certainly don’t remember giving it to him.

Me: wtf? how do you have my number. Unknown: wooyoung

I blinked, mind blanching for a second. Wooyoung? That made even less sense as Wooyoung and I have met just once and I have not given him my phone number. I waited for a few seconds longer, waiting for Mingi to explain further, but it never came. No small dots indicating that he was texting anything else. I groaned and looked at my pale green wall for a second, trying to collect my thoughts and not throw my phone out the window. Why did he have to have my number? Was this Mingi’s way of getting on my nerves even more? And now I had to figure out how Wooyoung got my number—oh. I tsked in disbelief, eyes zooning in on the picture of Seulgi and myself I had on display on my desk. Of course, that little bitch. Why would she ask me first before giving my phone number to a complete stranger—even if Mingi wasn’t that, I still didn’t want him to have it.

Me: whatever, i’m blocking you. Unknown: so, are you coming then? Me: no, mingi, i am not.

I rolled my eyes at Mingi’s insistency of getting an answer and blatant ignorance towards my threat of blocking him—which wasn’t as menacing as I wished for it to be. But it only took him seconds to answer, and I tried not to think about how quickly he was responding.

Unknown: ok

My eyes narrowed at his simple—and sharp—answer, fingers hovering over the keyboard to fire an insult at him if he went ahead and started leaving more messages, wanting to remind him that I was not in any shape or form curious to hear any more of his bullshit. The bitterness was quite strong in the back of my head, jealousy searing through my body—I couldn’t help it. A minute or two passed, but Mingi wasn’t typing anything else and I huffed, irritated by his antics. Why was he even asking if I would go to Outlaw? I hated it the first time—well, maybe that was a little lie—and I still hate it now, so therefore I had not one reason to go and watch him perform again. Not one particle in my body wished to hear his raspy voice accompanied by a guitar, bass, and drums. I was quite content by going to bed early tonight and forgetting about the whole day, hoping that my chest would feel less heavy in the morning and the green monster would be gone from my head. And yet, despite my better judgment, my fingers worked quickly, before my mind could even register what I was doing, and I was saving Mingi’s number. There was no desire in me to have his name in my phone under any shape, so I stopped for a second to ponder over the many options I could be calling him, such as: idiot, dumbass, jackass, prick, mr. arrogant—were sounding rather pleasing to my ears—and yet, despite the wicked grin I had on my lips, my mind seemed to settle for a simple ‘I hate him’. His number was saved in my phone without putting more thought into what I was doing, and I was placing my phone aside, attention going back to my project. Now, there was nothing in the world which could disturb me again—but then my phone rang. I groaned loudly and felt like pulling on my hair, staring at my cursed phone heatedly. I was half expecting Mingi’s number to pop-up, but thankfully it wasn’t him. That would’ve been the last straw for today, I certainly would’ve gone crazy. Instead, it was Seulgi calling and I knew she had something important to say if she wasn’t texting. I picked up, albeit with disdain.

“Hey!” She sounded cheerful, excited. Very much the opposite of my mood right now.

“Hi.” I muttered and started tapping my forefinger against my desk, staring down at the article I had opened in front of me.

“You sound like you want to kill someone.”

“And I do.” My answer made Seulgi laugh, making me sigh. And that person was Song Mingi, of course.

“What’s got your panties in a twist this time, huh?” Seulgi’s voice was playful, and unfortunately, it was only building up my irritation. She didn’t have any bad intentions, but I couldn’t handle her cheeriness and playfulness at the moment. I needed to be alone. I needed to not think and just get shit done.

“Why did you call?” I preferred not to answer her question as I asked another one, voice not snappy just tired as Seulgi remained silent for a second on the other end.

“Noir Zenith are performing at Outlaw tonight,” I knew where this was going, I just gulped realizing Mingi had asked the same thing of me just mere minutes ago, “Do you want to come with me?”

“No.” My answer was too fast and harsh, I quickly tried to mend it, “I’ve got a family thing—issue, I mean. I’m sorry, but I can’t come because of it…”

My voice got quiet as I trailed off, not particularly fond of lying to my best friend, but I really didn’t want to go out tonight and I knew if I told Seulgi the real reason she would complain and complain until I finally gave in, her tactic of coercion working just fine on me. I never stood a chance in front of her when she would start complaining and whining and bringing up all the times I have bailed on her in the past.

“Oh,” It wasn’t hard to hear the disappointment in her voice, and if I weren’t in such a bad headspace at the moment I would have felt awful, “it’s fine, I get it. But…you do know you can tell me anything, right?”

I sighed loudly, “I know, thanks Seulgi, and sorry. I’ll make it up to you somehow.”

“Don’t worry about it,” She was smiling now, adding a small chuckle too, “We all have bad days, I’ll see you at university tomorrow?”

“Most certainly.” A small smile made it onto my face and Seulgi quickly bid her goodbye as we hung up, silence enveloping me. I didn’t forget to press the ‘do not disturb’ button this time as I placed my phone on my desk, next to my laptop, and faced the article taunting me. Not finishing this project today wasn’t an option anymore, and so, I quickly dove in, the torturing thoughts finally silent somehow.

            The hours went by quickly and despite my mind struggling to focus on the task at hand, I made it. I finished the project in about four hours and it definitely gave me a little confidence boost, which I desperately needed after the emotional turmoil I was forced to face today. My mind was a mess. I was tired and I needed to sleep. I didn’t even care how early or late it was as I got into bed, forgetting to wash my face or even change into my pajamas, I just needed to lay my head down and close my eyes. And it was working well…until it wasn’t. The warmth of my thick blanket enveloped me and my head grew heavier as my muscles relaxed, the comfort of my bed bringing peace to my loud thoughts. It felt nice. To finally be able to forget everything that’s happened today, to just let go and…sleep. I really needed this; I haven’t felt this exhausted in a long time. I have never been good at dealing with my feelings, I usually pushed them away and ignored everything I felt…until they blew up in my face. Then, I would finally break and it was chaotic and messy. I knew it was the wrong coping mechanism, but I couldn’t help it. Nothing else worked, because I just couldn’t deal with the pain. I hated the overwhelming thoughts, the pressing heaviness and constant pain. I just simply didn’t want to deal with them. Drawing was a nice way of escaping my reality, but lately it didn’t help. It drew me up the wall, it was so frustrating. So many emotions had been steering hidden deep inside these past weeks, I didn’t know how to deal with them—I didn’t want to deal with them, actually. I needed them silent, gone.

And despite needing to sleep right now, eyes heavy and mind fuzzy, it wasn’t working. Nothing helped. My mind was silent, yet my ears were buzzing, whispers so quiet in the back of my head that I could barely hear them. My chest was heavy, it felt like I needed to cry, but my throat was closing in on me, refusing to let any tears to the surface. I could breathe, but at the same time I couldn’t. Turning on to my left side did nothing, but snap my eyes open. Why couldn’t I sleep? Why was this feeling returning? Why couldn’t I just rest for one fucking second?! I buried my head into my pillow and let out a silent scream, punching the soft mattress of my bed next to my head, legs trashing around as I needed to let out the creeping hysteria in my body somehow. Was I finally going crazy? Was my mother’s premonition finally blending into reality? She did randomly while watching TV, one month ago, tell me that I would soon face a challenging obstacle in my life, which would feel suffocating and relieving at the same time. Mind running per hour, I shot up in a sitting position and gaped at nothing in particular, recalling the memory of said night. But my mother said nothing else as she went back to watching TV, acting as if what she had said to me was totally normal. It wasn’t. But I was used to her quirky antics, she was a bit whimsical, but I loved her. Her intentions were always good and pure, she was a woman full of love and warmth…unlike me. Perhaps I was like my father…not that I could remember him, he’s left us while I was a little girl. We kept in touch until I turned approximately eight, after that…he never showed his face again. Something about moving to a new city and starting a new life, I couldn’t care less, he was never a pilar of support in my life. I didn’t need a man to bring me comfort, to make me feel safe. I had myself for that, and my mother—when things got too rough to handle on my own.

With a sigh, I reached over my bed and grabbed my sketchbook from my bedside table and turned on the small lamp, grabbing the pencil I had from underneath my pillow. Not one corner of my room was safe from my drawing supplies. I flipped the sketchbook open to a blank page and sighed, eyebrows lightly furrowing as I pressed the pencil against the soft paper. I didn’t have anything particular in mind as I started drawing. Maybe a small meadow with colorful flowers or a flower field, those sounded nice right now. It felt like they could fix my sour mood after today, like they would bring a little comfort to my overthinking brain at the moment. But I already knew I couldn’t control my hand when it came to drawing, and I wasn’t too surprised to find myself drawing the outline of a face. The lines were sharp and precise, darker around the brow bone and defining at the sharp and pointy nose. I added shading to the jawline before moving to the cheekbones, not making them too harsh. The sketch so far was looking like any regular face. It could turn into anything from here on. I could make it anyone I wanted it to be. For some reason my hand went to draw the lips instead of the eyes, usually those were the first thing I drew when starting a portrait. But this time, my brain focused on the dark outline of the plump lips and adding more depth as the Cupid’s Bow was deep and pointy. I licked my lips as I allowed my eyes to run over the eyeless portrait, subconsciously adding a small mole to the left side of its face, close to the jawline. I had a hunch where this was going, but I wanted to keep going—I couldn’t stop my brain from pushing me to just draw more. I allowed my pencil to run over the lines of the nose, making them sharper, lengthening it just like the person had it in real life. My hand hovered in the air for a second, reluctant to finally draw the eyes of the portrait, but I didn’t have it in me to stop right now. I always hated leaving my work unfinished—that was my excuse right now too, despite knowing who I was drawing once again. Yet not one particle in my body wished to stop right now, and I couldn’t help it as I finally drew lines sharp enough to accentuate the depth and glare in his deep eyes. The shading of them happened quickly and without even thinking, the small but dark mole sat comfortably underneath his right eye as I pressed my pencil firmly against the paper.

The breath which left my lips was sharp, and I gulped as my grip tightened around my pencil. I knew what I was doing this time, yet I didn’t stop it. Why? Why did I allow myself to draw—Mingi. His sharp and expressionless face stared back at me and I didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t mocking me, he didn’t have any twinkle in his eyes, he was just…there. On my paper, in my favorite journal-like sketchbook. And my heart was beating faster the longer I was looking at it. My stomach was twisting in a foreign way and I felt like I needed air. Fresh air. It felt like my room was closing in on me, I felt like I didn’t have enough space all of a sudden. The blanket falling on my lap suddenly felt too warm, like it was burning my body up. Without a second thought, I threw the sketchbook off from my lap, together with the blanket, and sprung out of bed, racing towards my closet. I threw it open and grabbed the first thing which came into view, a grey oversized jumper, as I stepped out of my slippers and slipped my phone into the pocket of my grey sweatpants, headed for my closed door. My throat was squeezing itself and it was a little hard to breathe as I frantically moved down the stairs, desperate for fresh air at this point. The light was on in the kitchen and I realized it wasn’t even ten pm yet as my mother was tinkering around, listening to some jazz music. I must’ve been loud as I almost crashed into the wall, struggling to put on my sneakers.

“Honey?” I heard my mother’s voice coming from behind me as I turned to look at her. Her ginger hair was a mess as her curls stuck out in all directions, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “Everything alright?”

I nodded, fearing what my voice would sound like as I quickly wore the jumper in my hands, “Are you going out? It’s a little late…”

I hummed, licking my lips nervously, hand reaching for the doorknob, “I won’t take long, I promise.”

“Call me if you need me.” My mother had an understanding look on her face, it made my lips tremble, “I’ll pick you up.”

“Didn’t you drink?” My voice was slightly shaking as my eyes went to the wine glass she was holding in her right hand. My mother glanced down at it as if she had forgotten about it and quickly pushed it behind herself.

“We could always ride my electric scooter; I haven’t used it in quite a while.” My mother giggled at her own suggestion and I couldn’t help but let out an amused chuckle, the tightness in my throat lessening a little bit. How badly I wished to pour my heart out to her, to let my feelings finally loose, but I couldn’t. That would mean having to face what I was feeling. That would mean everything was real and not just made up by my useless brain.

“I’ll be home in an hour, don’t worry.” My mother just hummed as she watched me leave as I took my keys and closed the door carefully behind myself. The crisp air of the evening was a harsh wake-up call that I should’ve worn a jacket as well, but I didn’t have it in me to walk back inside my warm house. I couldn’t. I needed to walk. I needed to clear my mind. I had to get rid of this awful feeling in my chest. And so that’s just what I did, I walked. I took off towards nowhere particular as my feet carried me down the sidewalk, the streets illuminated by the lampposts, creating just enough light, but not too much. A few cars passed by then and now, the neighborhood relatively quiet at this hour of the evening. The cold air was biting at my cheeks and I buried my hands in my pockets, taking a deep breath before releasing it slowly. It felt nice as the cold air traveled through my throat, deep down into my lungs. It was refreshing, it was just what I needed. As I took a left turn, I left my neighborhood and realized I was headed towards the city center, more people on the road now as it was the main one. Groups of teenagers passed by me and I shivered at the sudden cold breeze. I looked around and watched as it picked up and blew the branches of the trees apart, more leaves falling to the ground, creating a blanket of orange and burgundy underneath our feet. The leaves crunched under my shoes and I felt myself smiling as I kicked into a smaller pile gathered up on the sidewalk by the wind, memories of my childhood fresh in my mind. My mother would always gather the leaves in our small backyard and then she’d take me outside and we’d play around for hours in the leaves, giggling and laughing as we’d pretend that I was a princess and she was the leaves monster trying to kidnap me from my kingdom. Despite my mother struggling at times, my childhood never lacked anything, and it was filled with many happy memories. Sometimes I wondered what changed that I turned into such a moody and sour person. There were remnants of my old self when I was with Seulgi or with my mother, but I was pretty bad at opening up to strangers, at letting others in…especially males. I couldn’t help but think they had other motives and were only waiting for the right time to fuck me over, to abandon me. My attention was brought to a couple as the girl screeched and ran past me, the boy chasing after her while holding something in his hands, giggling loudly and calling out her name. I couldn’t help but glance after them, the green monster back in my head, as the guy caught up with her and tackled her into a hug despite the girl’s loud complaints. I have realized, the guy was carrying dirt in his hands and the girl’s cheeks were already smudged with it, probably. My stomach clenched and it got harder to gulp as I tore my eyes off them, trying to take a deep breath, trying to push down the memories threatening to resurface.

But I couldn’t help it as Yunho made it to the forefront of my mind, our many dates stored away in a little treasure chest in my heart. We used to go on so many dates, Yunho loved trying out new things and visiting new places. Every second weekend he planned something new, he surprised me with something. I thought I was the luckiest girl on Earth. I thought I would never find anyone else who could love me and cherish me as much as Yunho—and perhaps I really never would. Because Yunho was special, because he made you feel like you were the only one in the whole world he could see, he could love. A small part of me still wished he loved me at some point. Of course, it did, I was so hopelessly in love with him once that everything was about him. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t live without him. He was the only thing I could think about, I could talk about. Everyone told us how well we matched; how perfect we were for each other. The both of us always smiling, always so nice to others. Before getting abandoned by Yunho, I was—I wasn’t like this. I smiled, I laughed, and I joked around a lot. I was happy and I loved life, I loved everything around me and I had this urge to discover everything life had to offer me. I couldn’t stay put in one place for too long and I always had everything planned out, each step of mine—my life next to Yunho. The promises he made were still fresh in my mind, I could still remember them despite being it a long time ago—but perhaps it wasn’t long enough, I have suddenly come to the realization of it. It was hard to breathe again as my favorite moment with Yunho was suddenly too fresh in my mind, too easy to recall. We had gone to a movie he really wished to watch, something about a girl who had to pretend she was a boy in order to make it onto the university’s football team to get revenge on her ex, it was actually a re-run as the movie had come out a long time ago, but Yunho loved it and he really wanted to watch it at the cinema. Of course I went with him, I wanted to see the movie too because Yunho loved it. And what Yunho loved, I also did. It was an easy watch, lighthearted and cheesy and predictable, it didn’t surprise me that it was one of Yunho’s favorites. But once the movie was over Yunho wanted to get ice cream, and as someone who loves ice cream—mint choco is the best flavor, fight me—I was eager to go with Yunho. But our peace of mind didn’t last for long as it started raining cats and dogs in no time, forcing us to take shelter somewhere—except that we didn’t. Yunho pulled me out into the pouring rain and he made us dance, he acted out cheesy scenes from Dirty Dancing, raising me up and flipping me around clumsily, almost dropping me in the process not even once, making me shriek and clutch onto him for dear life. I have never laughed more in my life than that night and I have never felt more loved that in that moment. Yunho’s eyes were shining with so much warmth and happiness, it was also the first time he said the words. ‘I love you.’ I couldn’t tell whether it was the rain or happy tears on my cheeks, but the sudden clenching of my heart and overwhelming feeling in my chest made me flung my body against his, holding onto Yunho’s tall frame like my life depended on it. And in that moment, I knew—I knew that I also loved him. But I couldn’t say it, not yet, not when everything felt like it was too much, so instead, I pressed my lips against his pouty ones and smiled as Yunho started giggling, only to pick me up and twirl me around in excitement before asking me to hop on his back, only for him to take off running towards his house. It was my favorite memory of us, for various reasons, but perhaps the main one was because Yunho was so sincere in that moment. Because I couldn’t hear any doubt in his words like the other times he said that he loved me.

『Straight coats and empty cabinets

Ashes from all the mess you left

New lease without you

I confess that I'm happy you're gone』

I came to a stop as my phone buzzed in my pocket, mind hazy as I tried to shake off the memory which felt so alive in my head. I could almost see it playing out in front of myself. If I reached my hand out, I could almost touch Yunho—but he wasn’t here—and I was allowing myself once again to live in the past, a very bad habit of mine. I unlocked my phone after I crossed the road, the sidewalk littered with various shops, most of them already closed as it was almost ten now. I had been walking for twenty minutes without even realizing it. Looking down at my phone, I realized Instagram had sent me a notification that Seulgi posted a story after a while. She was probably at Outlaw still, watching Noir Zenith perform. I pressed on her story and it opened to show a close-up video of the three boys performing, the camera focusing on Wooyoung for a few seconds longer before it was moved away, zooming in on playfully on Mingi. I had the volume down, I couldn’t hear what he was singing, but his eyebrows were furrowed as he was leaning forward, mouth moving in a fast way as his eyes were half-closed, veins protruding on his neck, expression almost like he was angry, almost like feelings were overwhelming him as he held the microphone in his left hand tightly. My eyebrows slightly furrowed, but I quickly pushed any thought of him away as I realized he was slightly…wet? His white shirt, the top buttons unbuttoned until they reached his chest stuck to his body and had turned almost see-through, but it didn’t seem like it bothered Mingi as he continued on performing. Heavy chains lay against the base of his throat and a blue sheer sunglass was sitting on his tall nose, almost sliding off of it as he was bobbing his head furiously to the music, his bass abandoned somewhere. As my eyes focused on the huge bracelet on his right hand and the blue and white scarf wrapped around his left wrist, both hands decorated with thick silver-colored rings, the video cut off. I remained unblinking for a second, eyebrows twitching as I realized Seulgi had posted the video not even half an hour ago. So…the band was still performing and…Mingi was looking like that. Suddenly I was glad I wasn’t there to witness him being all indecent and acting like a—something. I most certainly wouldn’t hear the endless praises if I were there and the constant screaming of his baboons—perhaps calling them his fangirls would sound nicer, but I wouldn’t give him that satisfaction—and with my current mood, that was the last thing I wanted to see and hear. Mingi was detestable and I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of going to any of his other performances, finding them useless as I wasn’t even into their music. I started walking again, aware that the wind had picked up more, rustling the branches and leaves harsher, making me shiver in my underdressed state, reminding me that I should head home now. I said I wouldn’t stay out for too long, my thoughts seemed to have cleared just a little bit, besides, the cold air was enough to knock me out once I got to lay in my warm and comfortable bed.

『I don't care enough to miss you

After all the shit we've been through

My heart's comatose, comatose

I don't care enough to miss you

After all the shit we've been through

My heart's comatose, comatose』

However, the second I wanted to exit the app and put my phone away, a new story suddenly appeared in Seulgi’s spot and I gulped realizing who it was. Yunho’s happy and smiling face was taunting me in his profile picture, and before I could control myself, I pressed the icon, opening his story. The username Yuyu followed by a sunflower flashed for a second on the screen and then—and then everything around me stopped. There was no wind, there was no sound of cars passing by or people talking as they walked by me. It wasn’t cold anymore. My lungs failed me once again, but my mind went silent. Completely silent. There was a rumble in the distance, but I couldn’t say what it was. A girl, much smaller than him—and a lot cuter than myself—was laughing in the boomerang Yunho had posted, her black hair falling around her shoulders nicely, the white coat barely hiding the short lavender colored dress she was wearing. And Yunho—he looked so happy, he looked—whole. His face had gotten fuller, yet features sharper since the last time I had seen him. I have forgotten that I was still following him on Instagram. He had his arm around the girl’s shoulder and was actively pulling her into his side as he was smiling brightly too, his protruding front teeth showing as he had his eyes on the girl only. He had tagged her too and I was clicking on her name fast, before even thinking about what I was doing. Her profile was public and she had many posts. Most of herself, but there were some of the places she’s traveled to as well. But her most recent post—was with Yunho. The two sitting on a bench, then a selfie, and then a picture of the place they had been at, with the caption of: ‘Luckiest girl in the world!’ I gulped and closed the app, taking a deep breath, realizing that I had started shaking.

『You wasted all my fucking time

Were never really in my life

You were further than I could imagine

I love you, but fuck you』

Why did my legs feel like jelly all of a sudden? Why did the heaviness in my chest get even worse? Why was I reacting like this? It made no sense. Yunho broke up with me three years ago and I was over him. He hurt me more than anyone has before, but I was over him. I have let go; I have released the feelings I have felt for him. But then why did it bother me so much that he found happiness with someone else? Why did it leave a bitter taste in my mouth? Suddenly why was the green monster back and making me clutch my phone tightly in my hand? If he was able to find someone, to be happy again, why wasn’t I doing the same thing? Why was I incapable of loving? Of being loved? Of opening up and letting in new people? Why was I forcing myself to wallow in my own misery? Why was I punishing myself by constantly living in the past? What more could I want? Why did I still wish for Yunho to return and apologize for everything he’s done, for the gap he’s left in my heart? For the turmoil he’s caused in my head, for the ache that never really went away with his departure from my life? And it hit me lick a wall of bricks, that something was hitting my flaming cheeks. Another rumble, and I realized it was thunder. Head tilting back, I realized it was raining—pouring. Washing away the tears which were making my eyes burn. When did it start raining? Why did everything hurt so much? I couldn’t help the sudden sob which wracked my body as I put my phone in my pocket as a futile attempt to keep it dry as my clothes were getting drenched the longer I stood unmoving on the sidewalk. But my feet felt heavy, rendering me frozen to the spot. Nobody was outside anymore. I was alone. Just as always. No matter how many people cared for me, I was still alone in hurting, in dealing with the mess I was. And it hurt. It made me cry harder as I pressed a hand against my mouth, trying to muffle my pathetic sobs. But it felt good—so good to finally let it all out, to just finally allow the misery to come to the surface, to acknowledge that I couldn’t deal with these feelings anymore. My chest hurt, my heart ached, my throat was getting more and more restricting, lungs burning for air, but I couldn’t fully breathe, gasping for air caused by my violent sobs. But the wind was picking up again and my body started shivering, and I realized I couldn’t stand on the sidewalk anymore bawling my eyes out as I got drenched in rain.

So, I looked around and found a place open not too far up ahead and took off running towards it, trying to get the strands of hair out of my eyes as they stuck to my skin. The diner was small and still open, the big windows showed nobody inside besides the girl behind the counter. I didn’t consider the way I looked as I threw the door open and stepped inside, alerting the girl as the doorbell chimed. She looked up and for a second we stared at each other, her eyes widening as her eyes wandered all over my body, making me sniff. At least I wasn’t sobbing anymore, just heaving for air. I must’ve looked horrible as I took off towards a table in the back, closer to the restrooms, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel embarrassed over my appearance. I fell against the cushion of the bench and tried to regulate my breathing, biting my lower lip as I realized my eyes were burning and my skin was ice cold. I couldn’t believe I was stupid enough to stand out in the rain, when it was so cold. I would most definitely catch a cold now and that was the last thing I needed right now, but it was due to my own stupidity. I wiped my face with my hands, which were slightly shaking, as the girl from the counter came over.

“Uh,” She shuffled around awkwardly as I looked at her, “Can I bring you anything? Or uh, help with anything?”

A slap in the face to wake me up to reality would possibly be the biggest help she could be offering right now—but I thankfully didn’t say to her. She already looked uncomfortable by not knowing how to react to my current state. I sniffed and went to reach for my wallet before I would look at the menu, I had no idea how much money I had on me. But I quickly realized I had only grabbed my phone before leaving, sitting inside a diner never being in the plan. So instead I went to check on my phone if I had any money on my card, but my phone wasn’t working. Nothing. No matter how much I pressed the button to start it, it didn’t work. Fuck, I forgot to charge it before stepping outside.

“Uh,” Now I felt embarrassed as I averted my eyes from the girl, “I don’t have any money.”

“Oh,” She sounded surprised, “Well, then…I mean, I don’t want to sound rude, but uh—I will have to ask you to leave, really, I have nothing against you, it’s just that—”

“Don’t worry,” I forced myself to smile as I looked up at her, her cheeks red from embarrassment of having to kick me out, “I get it. May I use the restroom before I leave?”

“Sure, of course!” The girl almost exclaimed as she pointed towards the little hallway which led to the restrooms, “But we’ll be closing in about fifteen minutes, so don’t stay inside for too long.”

“Yeah, I’ll just patch myself up a bit and then go on my way.” I muttered as the girl nodded silently and walked back to the counter while carefully watching me, making me roll my eyes. Okay, I might have been looking like a mess, but I wasn’t a walking bomb—no need for her careful gaze on me. It just made my blood boil as I tried not to stomp while I went inside the restroom, glad that I was alone inside. It was colder in here compared to the diner and I shivered as I realized the window was open. I headed towards the sink, eager to warm up my hands with a little warm water, but I gasped once I saw my reflections in the mirror. Jesus Christ, I looked horrible, no wonder the girl was looking at me like that and asking me to leave—even if the reason was me not having money on me. My hair stuck to my face and looked matted in certain spots. My cheeks were completely flushed with the tip of my nose red as well, and I had dark streaks running down underneath my eyes. I forgot to take off my eyeliner and mascara before going to bed and since they weren’t waterproof—here I was, looking like a character straight out of a fucking horror movie. I chuckled as I turned on the faucet and instantly sighed at the feeling of warm water against my hands, warming my freezing limbs a bit. I quickly gathered water in my palms and splashed it against my cheeks, warming them up as well, sighing in content. I was still shivering, my toes frozen, but this was helping.

『I don't care enough to miss you

After all the shit we've been through

My heart's comatose, comatose』

I let the warm water run as I ran my fingers through my hair, easing the knots in them and trying to make it look presentable as I basically brushed the wet strands back on my head, my hair already curling naturally. The next step was to get rid of the mascara and eyeliner streaks underneath my eyes and even cheek, so I quickly washed them off before turning the faucet off and grabbing some dry towel paper from the holder, drying off my face and hands. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, realizing that my chest felt so much lighter, there was nothing squeezing against my throat anymore.

“You’re fine,” I whispered to myself, gulping, “Fuck, you’ve got this, you’re okay, Y/N, you are okay. You’ve been pushing your feelings away for too long, of course they blew up in your face, you stupid bitch. I really have to stop doing this to myself, ugh—”

I rolled my eyes as I threw the used towel paper in the trash bin and then looked back at myself in the mirror, narrowing my eyes at myself and pointing a finger threateningly at my reflection, “Stop being a sappy bitch, alright? You’re better than this. Yunho’s got his shit together, why can’t you do the same, huh? Just go out there and find a fucking boyfriend, it’s not that hard—wait, no, actually don’t do that! I don’t need no man, got it? Got it.”

I nodded once firmly, a small grin forcing itself onto my lips, making me scoff at myself—sure, of course, bring Yunho into your peptalk, Y/N, very smart—but I just couldn’t help it. At least I was feeling better now, almost laughing at myself at how stupid I was as I stepped back and pulled my shoulders back, nodding at myself encouragingly. I got this! But now I had to run home in the pouring rain, that thought alone was enough to make me cry again, but I willed myself to stop. No more crying. No more sobbing—especially not because of the pouring rain. It was my mistake that I didn’t check the weather or bring an umbrella. I should’ve just gone to bed when I planned to, damn these stupid thoughts. With a last glance at myself, I decided that I was ready to leave the restroom and head home, my mother probably worried sick about me at this point since my phone wasn’t working either. I walked up to the door and grabbed the doorknob firmly, yanking it open a little bit too enthusiastically, but as I went to step outside, the male’s restroom door right across mine opened as well—and I paused, surprised.

Song Mingi was staring back at me just as surprised as I was.

❱❱ Next chapter

[deception-united]

hiiii, i'm sorry if this is a bother but can i ask for advice from a fellow writer? it's not about writing a story, but more so just me burning myself out because of it, and i have no idea why.

for a good while, i've been wanting to find the "perfect" first project; i first planned on writing, animating and uploading a movie series online and it's like my "dream project/story", if that made sense? but, lately, i've been getting more and more desperate to have another project before this, for credentials and for me to get a little bit better at everything before working on the movie series.

no matter what i do, i can't seem to find a good enough "first project". i look at the story concepts / universes i scrapped, revive them, work on them for a little bit, before eventually bring unsatisfied and throwing it back in the trash, or at least just "on hold". i tend to work quicker and have more passion for a story if i get very attached to the characters, which i noticed tends to happen over time. but my patience is wearing thin and the fact that i'm stuck is catching up to me.

you don't have to answer this, but i'd appreciate any advice. thank you ^^,

Hi! This is a struggle I think I can safely say every creator goes through—the phases of feeling stuck or unsatisfied with their work, and losing interest in the story as time goes on. I've gone through it myself, and was in that cycle for the longest time: I'd come up with a vague idea for a novel, or a character I wanted to make the protagonist in a new story, and spontaneously start writing it without much planning or thought. And as you can imagine (or as you're experiencing, it seems like), that led to me abandoning all of them at some point or another. One I nearly finished, but I left it and came back a while later and was so immensely disgusted that I deemed it irreparable and turned my back on that, too.

Of course, what worked for me might not be helpful at all for you, but what I think is most important is just to focus on one thing at a time. Easier said than done, I'm aware. But flitting from one project to the next, trying to find the one that you'll have the most passion for, just doesn't work out very well. If what you're planning for your "dream project" that you mentioned is a movie series, and you have that all figured out, you may want to start with a novel that you can then base the movies off of. This could help you get a better idea of the characters, plot, and overall storyline so that the movies you plan to create in the future will have everything worked out already.

But maybe you feel that doing so will then make your passion for the movie series wane—that, after spending so much time and effort into writing that, you won't have the motivation to start over with a narrative you're already so familiar with. You mentioned you work better when you're attached to the characters, so that may be a good place to start. Don't think about the plot or worldbuilding yet—just focus on the characters. Everything else can come after. You know your creative process better than anyone, and this may not work for you at all. It likely wouldn't for me. But sometimes, it can help to start off with that and build upon it with time. Allowing yourself time to play and experiment without any pressure or specific goal in mind can lead to renewed passion and enthusiasm.

Another option is co-writing. Again, doesn't work for everyone, but working with others can provide new perspectives and generally make the process more enjoyable. Writing with someone else may help to increase your motivation and encourage you to hold yourself accountable, and can lead to brainstorming sessions that spark new ideas and solutions to problems you might be facing alone. It allows for the sharing of skills and strengths, making the project potentially stronger and more well-rounded. Collaborating on a project can also lighten the load, making it less overwhelming. Finding a writing partner who shares your vision or complements your style can lead to work that neither of you might have created on your own.

In any case, allow yourself to create something imperfect. I hate to say it, but even if the process of creating is flawed or the end result is despicable, the lessons you learn from it are valuable, and instrumental once you're ready to take up your dream project. Think of this, your first project, as a stepping stone rather than a definitive work.

So sorry for the late reply, and I hope this helped. Best of luck ❤

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