#don't get me wrong i am Very Scared about 2024

[qqueenofhades]

Just Cali Voter Things: Panicking bc you thought you were supposed to have a mail in ballot for today, wondering where you'll vote in person...only to realize with relief you read the website too fast and the next election for your area is 2024.

For everyone else, go fight and win! Whip up a Blue Tsunami that leaves no red stains behind!

Aha, indeed. I voted by mail a couple weeks ago for 2 (two) school board races and a couple of statewide ballot measures, which may seem like small potatoes but are, yknow, directly relevant to where I live, the amount of tax money I will get next year, and so forth. EVERY ELECTION, EVERY TIME.

I likewise just made a post about it, but if they are in fact calling KY for Beshear with improved margins from last time (2019), then abortion rights will probably pass in Ohio and Virginia can be kept safe from Youngkin. Or so we fucking hope. If we can get some actual hard data, maybe the idiots flooding the zone with garbage polls that show Trump pulling 22% of Black voters and Biden only ahead of Trump by one point with voters under 30 (all together now: LOLOLOLOLOL), can shut up or at least not get constant breathless media attention for a bit. Plus I am old enough to remember how the narrative in 2011 was all how Obama was going to get crushed by a generic Republican (oh Mittens, how we long for the days when we thought YOU were the worst the GOP could do). Then he won handily with 332 electoral votes. It's almost like the media has a vested interest in running a Horse Race narrative and beating down the Democratic candidate every time. Weird.

[dr-spectre]

WE DID IT!!!!!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!!!!! This is such a big milestone. Halfway until 1000 followers... that's absolutely insane!!

This will be the last follower update until we reach 1000. But, I wanna share something special with you all and get rather personal...

So, about a year ago, I wanted to learn how to draw because I was feeling depressed about "not being productive enough." Basically I got sucked into the bullshit productivity self help stuff that wants to turn your life into a cold calculated work obsessed nightmare, rather than living in the moment due to fear mongering about the future and how "if you don't grind now you WILL be a failure and die alone and get no pussy." (No wonder I picked Team Present for the Grand Fest...)

Plus I dropped out of uni at the time and welp, to put it lightly, I was feeling fucking god awful and I was scared into basically "putting in the hard work" by all these self help channels and other bullshit online. Whatever the FUCK that vague shit means, my autistic brain still doesn't get it.

It was BY FAR the worst period of my life, but, at least I tried to do SOMETHING. And I wanna show you all some of the things that I drew last year....

This was between October 2023 to February 2024. I stopped drawing due to it causing me much frustration and anger.

So yeah! Uh... enjoy?

So.... not the best work you've seen, right? HAHAHAHAHA!

Would you freak out if I told you that I got upset and damaged a book and a fan because I got so mad at myself over not being able to draw or do anything right?...

I feel like this ain't for me, and you know what? That's okay! I've learnt that it's okay to try new things, it's okay to experiment and if shit doesn't work then it doesn't work. Plain and simple. It's perfectly fine to give up and try something else.

You are not a robot, you are a human being. Don't feel like you "gotta do something everyday otherwise you'll die alone and you'll be broke and you'll never be successful and you'll be forgotten!!"

Do feel pressured to feel like you have to "find your thing" or "be productive" or whatever kind of... heh.... BRAINWASHING you hear online.

I wanted to draw because I was jealous of others, including my friends who are skilled artists... and I did it for the wrong reasons which is why I stopped in February.

I am very happy that I've decided to actually focus on what i like doing and what gives me energy. A quote that has stuck with me for years now is a quote by Jordan Peele from an interview, and it's basically this-

"Follow the fun." And you know what? He's right. Following what gives you that good good boost of dopamine while also feeling like you're accomplishing something is one of the best feelings EVER!!!! Whether it's art, writing, modelling, sculpting, architecture, making music, acting, clay sculptures, etc. FOLLOW THE FUN!! FOLLOW THE SHIT THAT EXCITES YOU!!! I literally always have multiple projects spiralling around in my head all the time and cycling between them at every given moment.

I'm not even saying do only what makes you comfortable or be lazy either, do shit that makes you go "BRING IT ON!!!! I WANNA DO THIS!!!" Get that blood pumping!!! Challenge yourself fairly!!!! There's healthy and unhealthy stress. Healthy stress should make you feel like a fucking PREDATOR!!! AN ANIMAL ON THE HUNT!!! While unhealthy stress makes you feels like you're the prey, the one who's being chased by an unknown force that's out to get you!!

I feel like I'm kinda rambling... anyways!!! ENOUGH WITH THE INSPIRATIONAL BULLSHIT!!! THANK YOU ALL!!!!!! 99% of you have been awesome and incredible!!!

It's also been an honor to get to know so many people who feel the same way as I do about a certain squid lady and her best friends.... before I went onto tumblr I genuinely felt so alone and so insane. I felt isolated, I felt like no one saw these characters the way that I do... I thought my perspective of a certain squid lady and her rebel phase was invalided and false... But now I know that I have people who have my back and understand what I'm trying to express...

One final time, thank you. I'll keep going.

STAY FRESH!!!!!!!!!!

[gentlebeardsbarngrill]

02/22/2024 Daily OFMD Recap

TLDR; Rhys Darby's 3 cameos Jeez; Clowning/Honking (no clown pictures); PhoneInFriday in the UK; SaveOFMD Crew Events on IG; Fan Spotlight; Custom Jackets; Collages; Chxrlotte New Song: OFMD; Morale/Love Notes; Daily Darby/Tonight's Taika;

== Rhys Darby ==

Good god, 3 Cameo's today? I hope you all enjoy dopamine-- remember to take a break in between because SHEESH. My brain overloaded real bad on #VitaminRD.

= Cameo 1: =

The latest cameo features Rhys as Murray from Flight of the Conchords Thank you @it_llpass and "The Maybe Dids", a group of FotC fans, for getting this cameo and sharing it with everyone! Rhys Sings Leggy Blonde at the end, be sure to hold onto you seat. Src: Cameo Link - Also up on the Repo in the Cameo's section

= Cameo 2: =

This cameo was put together by NDKiwi and The Giggle Bytes (and special thanks to @yronnia for keeping me in the loop, I've been waiting for this one since you mentioned it! The Giggle Bytes are a group of fans who really love Rhys and his Robots and sound effects! Thank you to everyone who was involved in getting this wonderfully whimsical video made! Src: Cameo Link

= Cameo 3: =

Thank you to the HWCC for this wonderful clowning video! Rhys scared the crap out of me in the first 6 seconds, so CW with jump scares friends. Src: Cameo

Speaking of clowning...

== Clown/Honk Alert ==

So normally I would leave this in the cast & crew section, but they're part of the honking narrative today so here we go! The very first thing today that triggered some honking was Con O'Neill posting on his IG page the Rotten Tomatoes stats (which btw I know a lot of you have been reviewing-- and it's totally working! Those numbers have gone up from the last time I looked! GREAT JOB!)

Which of course Samba, and Erroll posted in their IG Stories. Then, to add to the excitement, one of our crew-mates @soglamwow on twitter @'d Samba with our latest stats and he RESPONDED.

Annnnnd to continue the clowning, Rhys JUST SO HAPPENED to take a little hiatus from Cameo until March.

Okay so AND THEN, a sweet article from Paste was published today, and in it, Vico Ortiz talks about the SaveOFMD effort! See some of that article below!

These Thems‘ Vico Ortiz and Gretchen Wylder Talk Industry Obstacles to Making Queer Stories

If you've never seen These Thems' Please watch them here on youtube!

Now, this is all pure speculation, but the scuttlebutt around the bronzetub booze cooler is there seems to be a LOT of engagement from multiple cast members across MULTIPLE platforms SPECIFICALLY having to do with the renewal. All of that + Vico having an article published giving shout outs to the crew? AND Rhys deciding to take some time off (which could be because he's cranking out cameos like no tomorrow, or because he found out what Vianton means, we don't know) all together in one day--- FOLLOWING multiple days of BTS and increased engagement on all platforms... it seems like a perfect storm for clowning/honking.

I found this on @mytabsclosed's Twitter after writing this up, so it's definitely the TLDR; version:

I wouldn't be surprised if we get some sort of breadcrumb from Chaos Dad tomorrow, but don't quote me on that. I can clown town and hope though!

== UK Folks! ==

Feb 23 is #PhoneInFriday - Call in to B.B.C. 3 to request Gnossienne No. 5 at 6:30 am G.M.T., and B.B.C. 2 to request The Chain at 4 pm G.M.T. Those outside the U.K. can text or email! Need info on where to call/email, visit: How to Call into BBC

== Save OFMD Events on IG ==

The Save OFMD Crew has been doing a lot of fun engagement events on IG the last couple days! Yesterday was #Wrong Wednesday where folks submitted their incorrect captions for various pictures. Just a couple highlights below!

Today was #TheoryThursday! It's still going on if you're interested in joining! Just comment on their post here!

== Fan Spotlight ==

= Custom OFMD Jackets =

Tonight's new fan spotlight is @investedfandoms on Instagram! They make custom OFMD Jackets -- made to order! Check out these awesome designs!

If this is something you're interested in feel free to hit them up-- they're $200/each or if you provide your own jacket, $175 (which includes shipping). This is their only source of income at the moment so if you'd like one, this would be a great time order one and help out a fellow crew-mate!

= Collages =

More Collages for the month of February from our fabulous crew-mate @ WanderingNomad!

Day 22: #Boyfriends!!

Catch Up: Day 3: Kristian Nairn!

== Chxrlotte New Release! ==

Chxrlotte is a UK artist that gained public attention after the releease of their Good Omens song "Come With Me". She's just released a new song "Message In A Bottle" which is all about Our Flag Means Death! Thank you @libbyroseitm for sending me the deets on this! Please give it a listen! It's really lovely. "Message In A Bottle" On Spotify

== Morale / Love Notes ==

Wow friends. Today was a big one. Lots and lots of trending, lots of cameos, lots of honk honk honking. It was seriously busy. I hope some of the activity has helped raise some spirits! The cast & crew are definitely seeing our efforts and really showing us they are! Remember that when things feel down, they know we're fighting and they're behind us too! Vico's words: "It also makes me hopeful seeing how y’all are mobilizing and are incredibly earnest and passionate about seeing queer content on TV or wherever that may be. It makes me, as a producer, as a writer, as an actor, excited to know that there is a community of folks who are going to support queer content that I make and attach myself to with friends that are also queer creators, and writers, and producers, and actors, because I want to give it to y’all.”  And to end on-- words from Rhys' own mouth today in one of his cameos: "Don't Stop Clowning! Until you get arrested!"

===================

Okay lovelies. It's that time again for me to be annoyingly loving towards you. I hope you're ready! Did you know you're doing an amazing job? Like, a fucking stellar job. Whatever you're struggling with, however you're coping, you're kicking ass! You are still here with us, and I am so fucking grateful for that! I know sometimes it's really hard to give yourself self-love (I am in fact terrible at it), so I just wanna take this moment to let you know I am rooting for you! Everyone on our crew is rooting for you! You are doing your very best, and there's no one in this world who can compare to you and what you're going through. Your struggles are hard, but you are making it through because you are a strong, resilient, powerhouse of a human being! YOU are a force to be reckoned with. YOU are a kind and caring soul who puts so much good into the world. YOU are an inspiration. YOU are mind-blowingly amazeballs (that's the technical term) and you are going to do marvelous things no matter how big or how small they are. I believe in you and so does everyone on your crew, whole-heartedly. When you're ready, go shine lovelies, you deserve to shine.

====================

== Daily Darby / Tonight's Taika ==

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd regarding gifs tonight-- The moment I saw it, I knew this was todays Darby Gif, Courtesy of @ofmd-ann, and then of course, found this lovely Taika Gif today courtesy of @agaywithcoffee that seems pretty appropriate.

[utilitycaster]

Hi there! Do you think the Bells - and in particular Ashton's focus and indist a bit too hard on the fact that Aeor orb vision will completely change people's perceptions of gods? I tend to think that lot of people who somewhat know history are aware of the fact that Primes and Betrayers joined hands to destroy the city. As for common folk - it would be at also hard to believe that for example they would completely denounce Wildmother who is nature (all good and all bad. Bad as in destructive). I can imagine some folks reaction to this would be to feel scared, but then again. Those are Gods we speak about, not your friendly neighbors. What do you think?

So here's the thing: I've felt some of the depictions of what the average person knows this campaign have been...inconsistent isn't the right word, because, for example, the norm in the Menagerie Coast might not be the norm in Gelvaan and certainly isn't the norm in central Issylra, but also the party not recognizing the symbol of Asmodeus (for example) is something that's always struck me as like. people in the United States not knowing what a crucifix is. Like yeah those people exist - I've met very religious Jews in the US who don't know what day Christmas is other than "generally in late December" - but either we never met many of those people in Campaigns 1 and 2 and met them all in Campaign 3, or there's been some retconning (which...that's a complex discussion as to canonicity between campaigns, since the answer is, ultimately, it depends on the specifics and the magnitude and the source of that information, ie, if High Bearer Vord's creation myth is wrong that's valid because he's providing a specific perspective with plenty of bias, or if orcs were NOT created during the Calamity that's valid because unfortunately myths born of stereotype and bigotry are extremely common; but if Matt's drastically changing previously established truths of the world without in-world explanation, rather than just quietly dropping no longer relevant references as one-offs a la Ladueger, yeah that is bad storytelling and anyone who tells you it isn't is an idiot).

But actually that doesn't matter because here's just a truth about people: a whole lot of people in, for example, the United States in 2024, where 95% of adults have regular internet access, are fairly uninvested in much outside their basic day to day life, just, in general. This is going to be even more true in a world without that degree of information and interconnectedness. I think a lot of people are going to be like "ok and this thousand year old city being destroyed affects me how?" Not to get too cynical about it but think about someone whose experience with the gods is rather like what Laudna describes her youth as being: harvest festivals and wishing for rain. Like, if it's a good harvest this year, will they care?

I don't personally agree with this mentality irl, but groups of people on the whole are frequently resistant to change, do not want trouble, and want to be left alone. I think no shortage of people's attitudes will simply be "why is this motherfucker downloading the Downfall of Aeor Album to everyone's iPod when I am trying to eat breakfast." It won't even get to the point of "are the gods good or bad"; it will literally just be "who the fuck is broadcasting something? the MOON is fucked up? we have real problems?" Like, if people do not know the story of the fall of Aeor, someone being like HEY THE GODS CRASHED THIS CITY BECAUSE THEY HAD MADE A GOD-KILLING WEAPON is probably going to elicit a response of, again, "and I should care about this because? a fucking phoenix is strafing us, why are you doing a test of the emergency broadcast system?"

[crownmemes]

Doctor Who (S14) Sentences

(Sentences from Doctor Who (S14, 2024). Adjust phrasing where needed)

"I am so, so glad to be alive!"

"There's no such thing as monsters - there's just creatures you haven't met yet."

"When was the last time that you had a hug?"

"Look at me; nobody grows up wrong."

"This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone! Don't laugh!"

"One trick, once; that's all you get with the gods."

"The power of these creatures is so vast, the whole world could slide into the pit."

"Sometimes genius is just hard work."

"Do this for me and I'll let you see my tattoo! It's not on general view, which makes it more exciting!"

"You should be nice to him - he likes you!"

"Everything's fine! Completely fine!"

"Why are you singing?"

"Tell me what you're not telling me."

"Okay, are you getting scared? Because you're just babbling now!"

"You're giving me orders now?"

"Quite frankly, your lifespan sucks!"

"We're all dead eventually. There's hardly any time that we're not dead!"

"We have telepathic dampeners, mesmeric shielding, and necklaces of silver and salt in case of witchcraft."

"It's just, sometimes I get the impression that you're not really listening - that you're drifting off, thinking of something else."

"Even in bed, it's like you're always a distance away."

"Are you saying that you actually want to fire a nuclear missile?"

"I know I probably shouldn't say this, but I look so cute!"

"Remind me, to which dishonouring are you referring?"

"I'm awfully bored of your shouting."

"If you wish to challenge me to a duel, then please - do! Then I can shoot you dead!"

"Wow! You really are wonderfully bad, aren't you?"

"Well, I thought I knew everyone at my ball, but it appears not!"

"I think the real estimation of an evening is the matches made, don't you think?"

"Brooding. Good look. Do you practice in the mirror?"

"People look to me as an arbiter of taste!"

"I think of you every waking hour, and I hate myself for it."

"I will not marry you. Not now, not ever."

"Do you never stop chattering?"

"No one walks away from a situation with one less shoe. You'd notice."

"You're a bounty hunter? That is so cool."

"Suits you, flustered. It's a good look."

"I don't see how us dancing would create a scene."

"This is the wrong time to be strong and silent and so... Attractive."

"I've decided that it's about time I cause some trouble for myself!"

"He looks like he's been dead for a hundred years."

"This feeling that you're feeling right now is doubt, and don't you feel so alive?"

"I suppose you do have a very nice face."

"You have lived for far too long."

"We fought a monster, and now I must become a monster."

"Will I ever see you again?"

[molsno]

yknow, this past week has been a really hard and terrifying one after finding out I'm being laid off and having no details beyond that. combine that with a few other things and I've been extremely stressed and scared.

I haven't really done this in a long time, but it's making me think about the past year. 2023 has undoubtedly been the worst year of my life. in january I was a pathetic shut-in living in my mom's house who was too scared to even think about existing in society, so being told I had to move across the country alone for work was my worst nightmare. I had literally never done anything like that before - I'd never even had a real full time job before that. I couldn't stop breaking down and crying to everyone who would listen.

as soon as I left the airport after arriving here though I started to feel different. I felt like maybe I could do this after all. and I did! being forced to do things on my own with nobody to bail me out if I failed made me really take responsibility for myself! I started to feel like an adult for the first time! sure, I made some bad financial decisions due to my lack of experience, but I was able to make everything work out and acquire some stability.

it's kind of strange too how I mostly started off feeling very isolated and alienated even from my friends. sure, I had two girlfriends, and I had a few friends that I was pretty close with, but I was still very much fueled by my anxiety and trauma with regards to friendships. but over time I started to make new friends - in person even! and yes, I'm still just as awkward as ever, but I've had some really great times with them. I've even started to repair the bridge between my longtime friends and be more honest and trusting with them. I even rounded out the year with another girlfriend, much to my own surprise.

don't get me wrong, the trauma I've sustained this year has blown everything else in my past out of the water. but I've grown so much and it's really astounding when I think about how different I am now compared to how I was at the beginning of this year.

2023 was unbelievably difficult, but throughout it all, I've grown a lot, and I'm really happy about that. it wouldn't have been possible without all the people supporting me, of course, and I'm really grateful to everyone who's been a part of my life this year. I've been extremely scared and stressed about 2024. big changes are coming, and I'm almost certainly off to a terrible start. but unlike earlier this year, I feel like I'll be able to get through it. and if all goes well, I'll be much, MUCH better off this at time next year.

[araminthe]

Tuesday, 6th of August / Mardi 6 août 2024

Yesterday, I forgot to write about my day so I'm doing it now.

So, since I was working until late, (because I'm always more focused at night), I slept late, so I woke up at 11 something and was still so damn tired.

That day, I was supposed to go karting because I had 12 tickets from a year ago that were expired very soon (it would have been more than a 100€ wasted)

So I had to vacuum the house before going out, it made me sweat like crazy and I ran out of deodorant and I don't even have time for a quick shower before going out, so I'm scared of smelling very bad, plus I'm tired so it very much makes me angry (but I think it was more stress than something else, since I was supposed to also organise it so I go with my cousins, but social pressure makes me ughhhhh)

Anyway, my cousins in the end were busy so they were not coming, at least I have this pressure off my shoulders. I dont know why but having to organise something with so many people put so much pressure on me.

So it was just me and my 4 sibling (yes you heard that right, and yes I am actually the oldest sibling, help). And my mother.

Glad she also came, I could not for the life of me keep all those dangerous sibling under control without going crazy.

At least, I have a brother my age, but the 3 left are young children.

So anyway, we go and have to walk a lot because for an unknown reason the bus doesnt go until the karting place.

We arrive, we share the tickets, there are 6 tickets for children so they take 2 each.

And 6 for adults so we take 3 each me and my bro.

It was fun. I rode the kart like crazy, it was on concrete, outside, so it equals mode adrenaline. There were lots of turns/curves and the goal was to do a lap as quickly as possible.

Each time I rode, I was getting used to the kart so I was going faster. I once tried to see how fast I could go during a turn but I messed up and when I was turning, I got straight into the foam barriers at my right. The hit was so powerful I moved the barriers, I hoped no one payed attention because I felt like a guilty bisch.(You know this feeling when you're a child and you feel like you're going to get grounded bcs you messed up and you feel very guilty? It's a feeling that stayed, I'm scared of autority, or people coming and telling me I did bad ಥ_ಥ )

Anyway, I made sure to quickly move on and not overthink. Another time, it was at the start of the 2nd race, I did not expect the kart to turn this easily, so by turning right I did a 180° turn, I was turned on the opposite direction of the race, so I quickly turned, got back on track and carried on.

Then, during the 3rd race, I made my worst mistake. So a bit of context; There was a girl (prob around 20y old) during the race she was going very slowly meanwhile everyone else was fast, it's not a problem, maybe she's scared or it's her first time, it happens, she has her reasons.

But, I once happened to be riding near my brother, so I started I to race him to go past him and win, but it was right when we were approaching to where the girl was. Just so you know, the road is broad enough for 2 karts to pass, not 3, and even for two you have to be careful. So my brother sees her in front and starts to slow, but I don't, I'm behind my brother, their cars are next to one another, I don't have enough time to slow down so I just completely ran into them.

I so powerfully hit my brother who in turn hit the girl. I swear I'm sorry and did not do that in purpose. My kart kept going but it made my brother's kart do a 180° turn, same for the girl.

So I slow down again, look behind, their cars are turned the wrong direction, I thought for a second I saw smoke for my bro's kart, (fortunately it was gravel that had been kicked up by the wheels). So they just go back on track and I hope the girl's not traumatized by the impact or the hit. I would have apoligized, but the thing is, when you're riding you can't talk or be heard because you're wearing a hood, and on top of that a thick helmet.

So I just resumed my ride, and at the end of it, as soon as my brother and I get out of the cart we have to go home, (my dad had to take my bro to an appointment, so my dad told us to come quickly and drove us away).

I'm sorry for the girl, my brother said, since he was right next to the girl, he for a sec thought I had broke her neck or something 💀💀.

He's probably exagerating to mess with me, but nah I feel sorry. My bad.

If girl you ever happen to have gone karting Tuesday 6, and ever happen to read that, know that I'm sorry. I hope you're alright.

So after that, I go home at 7pm

Had to do a few things (again...please let me rest). I was sooo tired, the whole day I didn't even have the energy to talk or be excited for the karting, yeah it was fun, but only in my head because I was physically exhausted, I had also eaten only a little so imagine my exhaustion.

WHEN I FINALLY GOT TO RETIRE FROM MY FAMILY, it was 10.30pm, and didn't even make my bed or put on pj's, I just took my pillow and blanket and slept on top of all the things on my bed.

At night, I woke up at 1am and had a hard time going back to sleep. Y'know what's strange? Usually, I am a big sleeper, I always fall asleep super fast and I don't wake up at all at night, but lately I have been having a hard time with waking up at night and not being able to go back to sleep. Why could that be? Am I becoming kinda insomniac, or is my sleep schedule just really messed up?

Well, in conclusion I had a really fun day, 2nd time of my life I go karting, but the only downside was my anxiousness and tiredness. My lil'siblings also rode with children like themselves, (for children they have slower karts), it was the first time for the youngest, so they were all happy and ultra hyped up. (That's a W for oldest daughter, I'm glad I could make them happy).

Another funny thing, during the ride, to go and come back from the karting, I was revising the "code de la route", in english I think it's the highway code or smthg like that. Before learning to ride, you first have to pass this exam. And here I am, causing accident on the road (at least it was with a kart and not a car, obviously I will not ride like that with a car, I don't have homicide on my mind).

So welp, at least I'm not scared of going fast (not sure if this experience is relevant for riding a true car, but it's better than nothing? )

╮(￣ω￣;)╭

(I know no one reads what I write and that no one will read all that, but personally I love listening to others life and experiences, so maybe if I keep doing that I will find people like me, and also, I just need someone to tell about my life without feeling like I'm throwing all my life on them.)

Bye, à plus amis invisibles.

[delta-orionis]

Tuesday Again No Problem 5/28/24

I noticed I have a handful of new followers, so I'll explain: this is a post series based on my friend @girlfriendsofthegalaxy's series of the same name. I basically round up the media I've been consuming and things I've been making over the past week. With that out of the way...

Listening

I've been listening to a bit of retro synth-heavy music again lately. Near Machinery by Jeffrey Koepper stuck out to me in particular:

I like the way the synths build on each other gradually until it sounds like you're listening to the noises of some otherworldly machine.

Watching

I'm a bit ashamed to admit that I've already watched through Jenny Nicholson's new 4 hour long Star Wars Hotel video twice in the span of a week.

I'm not a Star Wars fan, and I didn't even know this hotel existed until I watched Jenny's video(s) about it. (She has a more extensive vlog on her Patreon, which I also watched). I love Jenny's videos in general; the way she talks about things is extremely entertaining no matter what the topic is. She could talk about literally anything and I'd happily put it on in the background and listen to her ramble for hours about an obscure piece of media I've never heard of while I sit back and crochet. And I have in fact done that. Many times.

Playing

More of Rain World's Expedition mode. More of the same. If I'm being honest I'm putting off playing through Saint's campaign- I want to do it but I'm scared that it will be too hard. @_@

Making

I've been making a lot of things, actually! I continue to work on my iterator amigurumi. I promise I'll post them eventually, I know I'm kind of teasing them at this point. The only real hangup I have is the fact that I hate sewing, and that's the only thing I have left to do.

In other news, though, I caved and made an ask blog for my Rain World OC, Three Stars Above Clouds.

If you follow me you're probably familiar with them. TSAC has quickly become Blorbo From My Brain. I like talking about them and I'm constantly coming up with new ideas, and I figured an ask blog would be a good place to direct some of that energy. Iterator ask blogs are kind of a Thing in the Rain World tumblr fanbase, and after seeing other people have fun with them I became inspired to join in.

I'm legitimately very surprised and happy about the engagement the blog has been getting. It's only been a few days, but it already has about 20 followers and I've also got a handful of asks sitting in my inbox waiting to be answered. I was very scared that no one was going to interact with the blog at all, haha. I'm happy I was proven wrong.

(A tiny part of my brain still thinks it's cringe that I, a mid-20's person in the year 2024, made a tumblr ask blog for my video game OC, but whatever. I am cringe but I am free, etc etc...)

Also- a couple of people have already sent in science-related questions, which I plan to answer in earnest. You fools... this may look like an ask blog, but it is in fact my excuse to do scicomm under the guise of my Rain World OC. Ha!

---

As May turns into June, my work schedule is going to shift from part time to full time for the summer. I expect it to be very draining (though not necessarily in a bad way). I might not have as much energy to draw and whatnot. But I know people don't follow me for Content(TM), so I'm not really worried.

I'll check in again next week!

[spurgie-cousin]

So I won't be voting for biden in November. I'm trans and live in a red state. I very familiar with the harm a trump presidency will do both to the country and me personally. I think most people refusing to vote for biden are aware of what trump will do.

But the democrats have presented this same choice in every election I've ever had the opportunity to vote in. And every time I gritted my teeth and voted for them because of supposed harm reduction they failed to protect my rights. And then only moved the party further to the right in the next election.

The genocide in gaza is just a breaking point for many of us after years of failure and broken promises by the democratic party. The harm against my community has continued under bidens presidency and he has made his priorities funding genocide and dragging us into another pointless war. Why would I continue to support him? The hopelessness you see voting 3rd party is how we see voting for biden.

I don't necessarily think a 3rd party candidate will win in 2024. But the democrats have destroyed any hope I once had in them. I have to try something different. And withdrawing support from the democrats is the only thing I can think to do.

Yea I don't think you're wrong at all, I'm exhausted with the Democrats and really, really don't want to vote for Joe Biden. I also live in a red state, in a super rural area that I know for a fact will go Trump during the election.

It's not that I see voting for a third party candidate as useless, I just wish there was a candidate we could all rally behind that would even have somewhat of a fair shot against the two party system. I feel like there's enough anger that we could get there but it doesn't seem like anyone can agree (or maybe they do and I'm just uninformed) even just to take enough of the votes away from the Dems that it would scare them into changing. but as we've seen in past elections, that would need to be a massive chunk and for this election it feels like the left is so unorganized that they're not going to get the message through.

Which is not me telling anyone they should vote, obviously it's a losing game all around. Reading Trump's plan just really, really scared me if I'm being honest, it seems that attacking the rights of everyone except white male gun owners is the main goal of his entire campaign. And I honestly am worried that he'll double down on supporting Israel, which is not to say Biden isn't towing that line, but the conservatives I live around are SO pro-Israel and Trump will do anything to get approval from his base. And after Roe v Wade I totally believe Trump has enough support in government to come through on some of these promises he's talking about.

Idk the right thing to do if there is one, I'm mostly just scared.

[dollible]

wait. wait. hold the fuck up.

im a singlet except when i smoke weed i experience what i imagine it must like to be plural i stop being me and start being somone else and start like rapidly switching between identities

is this actually a plural thing??? not trying to ask youto diagnose me but ive never h

eard this experience echoed before

i came here for the dollposts

Short answer is, dunno!

Long answer is, aptly, kind of all around the place, and it starts like this: as I was writing this draft, I typed "I'm not the right person to ask: I don't know much about plurality or know many plural people," stopped and realized that (1) pretty much everyone I know is plural, and (2) I've actually researched plurality *a lot* on separate occasions around 2011, 2016, 2019 and 2022.

(the ask is referencing this post, which says: "weed is funny when you’re plural. it’s always a fifty-fifty between getting relieved of the burden of existence for six hours, or someone really pent up in your head suddenly taking complete control over your body to grope it so intensely it feels like you’re about to get a train run on by the entire lacrosse team")

It's not really remembering. It's more like... forgetting to forget. It kind of feels like getting clobbered over your head. Can't imagine why! It's probably just the wind. It's the end of 2024 now; I wonder if I'll read this text in another few years with a fresh new pair of eyes. (I am editing this paragraph five days later, and I already can't remember writing that sentence.)

I'm not fond of the term "diagnose" as applied to plurality (in the widest meaning of the word) for several reasons. One of them is: a diagnosis is, among other things, a treatment plan for an abnormal condition that causes dysfunction or distress. It doesn't really matter if you've learned The True Sacred Name or whatever of the demon that haunts you, as long as it isn't fucking with your day-to-day life.

As far as "abnormal" goes, well... What we call an "identity" is at this point is understood to be, at least in part, a continuous narrative process. Each of us is two hundred billion humming cells that dream together, and in that shared dream two hundred billion are a singular thing. Can anyone say they've never held conflicting opinions, or never talked to themselves, or never changed their stance on their own with no need for convincing? No orchestra is ever perfectly in tune, not even over the length of a single piece. Is that inherently wrong? Even when presented with perfect software synthesizers, we (meaning both 1st person plural "we" and humanity in general) always detune them on purpose to make them sound alive.

At different times in my life, I've considered myself a singlet, median-plural, a proper system of multiple and uncountable people, not a person at all, or a daydream that was never meant to be. I don't think I ever came to a definitive conclusion. Maybe there isn't a conclusion to arrive to. The walk definitely is.

I cannot say for sure if "this is actually a plural thing." It's also been a bit of a minute since I either examined my own (hypothetical(?)) plurality or partook in anything other than stims. But if I did, how would the answer change your life? Would you be pressed to introspect? Would you feel scared? Would you rejoice at newfound company? Would you feel multiple conflicting things at once?

Maybe what really matters is what you're drawn towards. Practice shows that plurality is at the very least a self-fulfilling prophecy. After all, it's a narrative of sorts, isn't it? So is the identity of the girl reading this. Reach into the stream of consciousness accompanying you everywhere. Go on. Feel it. Try to talk things out. I cannot promise you that you'll find anything in there, or that you'll find anything unquestionably good. You do, however, hold more agency over your identity than you may think.

Also, hey, first ask! I've tried to make my reply as uncomfortably personal as I could. I hope you can find some use out of it.

[fairy25]

I'm not joking how am I supposed to continue living as a woman who has suffered serious trauma? I dont know what to do anymore.

I do not want to live (not a threat, just a fact. I am not in danger.) I don't know how I can go about my life when I am scared of men. Half of the people on the planet. I have been jobless for 3 years living with parents because I'm scared to be trapped in a confined space with male strangers again. In my last job, I was sexually harassed, touched, stared at, grabbed, threatened, and followed by male coworkers. It was a minimum wage BAKERY job. You'd think that would be an innocent place to work. I wore a hairnet, had hairy legs, and talked about my boyfriend at the time. and I still got harassed and they wouldn't stop even when i would talk to HR. When I told my ex-boyfriend I was raped he said I deserved it. I'm thinking maybe it's me who is wrong and maybe I just should somehow turn off my brain and let it all happen since I feel like I'm screaming and nobody even notices???

I genuinely don't want to live in the world anymore I'm just tired I wish I was a little girl again and I just want to play with my toys but i can't because im trapped in a 26 year old woman.

Sorry for ranting on christmas. I'm just having a bad day. I hope you had a good Christmas.

baby i would seriously recommend you find a female trauma therapist you feel comfortable with and commit to therapy once a week for at least a year. i would also recommend talking to a psychiatrist or even your primary care doctor if you feel comfortable to discuss getting on some anti-anxiety medication. i personally take propranolol & mirtazapine for anxiety (and migraines).

i know it feels endless right now (i have been there and i’m so so sorry you’re stuck in this dark place rn) but it is possible for things to get better, and for you to lead a “normal” life. i am rooting for you and i want to say your feelings are completely valid. i’m so sorry this is the state of the world. i’m so sorry that you’re unable to ignore the fear you feel, which is very real and very challenging to overcome. but you can overcome it. that doesn’t mean you have to be around men—i work fully remotely and the only men i talk to regularly are gay, old friends, or married to my friends/relatives.

merry xmas to you angel. i hope 2024 brings you more peace than this year. even if you don’t feel like it’s going to get better, please just keep going. sometimes progress is so gradual we don’t even realize it’s happening. sometimes it’s ok to distract yourself and take breaks from the real world. but keep going. if not for you, for other women. we need each other if we’re ever going to create a world where women don’t feel terrified just existing.

[kaemixx0]

July 6, 2024 12:07 a.m.

Under the cut; a lot of 3d text, tc4, an4, etc.

Soo, umm, today I want to write about what I have felt.

First of all; I'm so scared!

On Tuesday I will start my classes at college and I am very afraid that things will not go as I hope; I'm afraid, I'm very anxious and I know that I will be surrounded by people I don't know, I think it's good but it also makes me desperate because right now what I need the least are friends, in fact I would like to get away from everyone right now and concentrate on my 3d, but I love my friends and I know it's important to socialize at college, although I don't know how difficult it will be to maintain a balance between my social life and my constant exhaustion due to lack of food :(

Secondly; I think I'm a little upset with myself, it bothers me because I've had good results in a while without doing much and to think that it would be easier if I had done it when I was still in high school, ahgg, I wouldn't be fat now :(

Thirdly, I really like being here on 3dtumblr, and every moment of my process because every day I learn a little more about what I should do and what I shouldn't do and how to do it, although sometimes it's frustrating not to be simply and naturally skinny. —Plus, idk if some of u too but I've noticed that I hate the moment I have to take a shower, I hate see my body and feel it,,, but after this is actually cool haha, especially when I ⭐️ve i feel so clean, pretty an delicate.—

Fourthly, I hope that starting college will give me a little more independence, maybe then I can ⭐️ve myself more easily and well I would love to be already thin at this moment but I can't so my biggest motivation for now is my birthday and Christmas —December 6 and 25— so that my family can barely recognize me. :)

Fifth, I hate tiktok, half of my fyp is thinsp0 and the other half is full of girls in recovery and I mean, great for them, I'm so happy! But I hate those useless self love and motivational comments, I just can't tolerate them; Sometimes I want to recover, seriously, I'm afraid of how far I've thought about going to be thin but now I feel like I can't stop, Idk, it's a big dilemma. :(

Sixthly; Am I the only one who doesn't literally want skin and bones??? It inspires me a lot, but no, for many reasons:

☆ My family would notice immediately and they would force me to recover —no, thank you—.

☆ I still plan to live —a little longer haha— and that wouldn't help me at all.

☆ I have discovered that I like to look sick but not that sick; I don't want people to notice me for looking sick but for being skinny.

Besides! Today I tried to vomit; –I felt horrible like a pig— n literally my fingers touched the back of my throat and I didn't even gag. What the hell is wrong with me? Haha.

☆ X

[nifteeeeee]

Hey, Hey!! Name's @vanilla-cream-blogs156820!! This is random but what's your feeling about LGBTQ+ community? Just wondering how many people think we're valid :)

As someone who is just learning about her bisexuality, I'm trying to find people on tumblr who will allow me to interact with them, even though I'm bi

Thank you for your time, I will respectfully not interact with your blog if you desire :)

Hey vanillababe, in my opinion the LGBYQ+ community seems a bit much these days? The ze/zem/e/er kind of pronouns specifically are really like.. I don't know it's confusing, trans people aswell, I understand wanting to dress how you want or feel different from yourself, but please don't make life altering decisions when you're young and going through puberty, your hormones will mess with your head and make you do stupid things, but please don't act on it. But, they are valid, (except puberty blockers and extreme surgery to change your body, those people scare me, especially when they are prepared to give this kind of medication/treatment to very young children) speaking of children, in my opinion person's/mentally unwell people under the age of 20-24ish should not be allowed to make life altering choices by themselves, I've met many 11-13 year olds who say they're gay, trans or whatever they want, children are easily manipulated and copy what people do and say online, some might say that that child can be what it wants and we should respect it, no way on God's green earth am I letting my baby brother make a decision like that at such a young age, but, if he still feels the way he does when he's an adult, I'll support and love him. I've been hearing some insane stories from the USA that's casting this group in a bad light. I do support gays, bisexuals, lesbians, and aroace (is that how you spell it?) the more basic, simple to understand stuff. And even though I don't understand pronouns, if I'm asked to call someone by they're preferred pronouns, I will try to, and if I slip up and call them the wrong pronoun, that person shouldn't over react, I know its 2024 and people can do and be and say what they want, but what I've been hearing and seeing online puts me into a space that makes me say "who's child is that??" to two fully grown men in stripper clothes walking his partner like a dog who's wearing a harness and ball gag, I'm fine with LGBTQ+ couples and the like but please for the love of God keep your kinky bedroom shenanigans in the bedroom 😭🙏

Long story short, you can love whoever you want, and be whatever you want, but as soon as you start forcing people into respecting you for your choice? That puts you in the wrong, like a Christian telling you "you need Jesus" because you wear shorts

Don't feel forced to fit in, and don't force anyone to fit in or change, spread love, it's in our human nature ♥️♥️♥️

P.S. Sorry for the long response, I get quite passionate on this subject, it's hard to say so much without sounding rude/disrespectful ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

[who-is-this-weirdo]

On February 3rd, 2024, I saw you made a post about TrickyTtalon from the r/Wings of Fire subreddit and I just thought I’d say how I also didn’t have a very good experience talking with them.

I absolutely despise Qibli and Moonbli in general tbh. Every single time I’d comment under a post (only the ones asking for unpopular opinions) how I dislike Qibli, Moon After Book 6, and Moonbli—they’d always comment trying to “prove me wrong.” They also made like a really icky statement about the whole “Qibli said he’d brainwash winter if he could” situation. (I’ll try to find a screenshot when I get the chance, so take this with a grain of salt.)

Trickytalon ended up blocking me on Reddit while we were (once again) discussing about Qibli, moon, and Moonbli. I thought the conversation was rather civil, but they kept bringing up some not very good points (imo) that were downvoted to absolute hell by everyone else. Idk, Trickytalon just kinda came across as really condescending and trying to shove their love for moon and Qibli down your throat. Like I get it, you like Qibli, Moon, and Moonbli, but constantly trying to say how other people are blatantly wrong for disliking certain aspects of their relationship while glossing over the unhealthy portions rubs me the wrong way.

Anyways, this was a mess, but I felt like speaking out with this.

Oh god I'm so sorry that it happened to ya, like bruh I don't really like Winterwatcher but Qibli ain't perfect either ? It's a disservice to his character to treat him as such and I am scared of what he thought about Qibli brainwashing Winter

[cardinaldante]

Greetings Siblings of the church!! It is Cardinal Dante. Papa Terzo told on me to Papa Copia, and now I am being punished!!! I can't even believe it!! I thought Papa Terzo would keep my secret, but no!!

Papa Copia is making me take the next few days off, and Swiss has now become my permanent guard since we got along so well. Hes a very nice ghoul, which I am very suprised about! Usually I run into that ghoul Dewdrop Sodo, and he does NOT like me. Mr. Saltarian came up to me while I was moping at the breakfast table, and after pulling me away from breakfast- and yelling at Swiss to stay- he asked me several.... Confusing questions. One of them was about my mother, which I do admit I yelled at him for. I don't know my mother, I was raised partially in the Christan Church and became a priest there at a young age. They told me I was an orphan, and that my mother left me on the doorsteps. She must have been struggling to just leave me.

He also asked my opinions on the Papa's, which, was also a little weird?? I told him that I accepted the Papa's, and that they were good people. Mr. Saltarian looked a little annoyed at that, and asked if I could become like Papa, would I. I told him the truth and said yes. He looked... Not suprised and nodded, and asked if I could help him with something. I told him he'd have to wait and he told me a date two weeks from now. January 17th, 2024. I don't know what he wants from me, as he ran off as soon as Papa Copia became walking over. Honestly, he's starting to worry me.

Other than that, Papa Copia scolded both me and Swiss afterwards and wouldn't hear a word about Saltarian. Swiss for leaving me alone, and Me for running off from Swiss. After that, we both got punishment to help the tall ghoul(Sorry, Swiss has informed me his name is 'Mountain') and Papa Primo in the greenhouse. I didn't mind though, Papa Primo tells the best stories, and Mountain is very quiet and doesn't mess with me. Swiss bit him though, and Mountain punched him. I think the poor ghoul is out for right now, he's been on his knees clutching his stomach for almost fourty minutes now.

I told Papa Primo about Saltarian and everything that happened, and Papa Primo told me to keep it to myself, and that Saltarian is just a little weird. It still scares me- but if Papa Primo says nothing is wrong, then I guess nothings wrong. Since I was by Papa Primo, Swiss and Mountain dissapeared on us. Papa Primo said they probably went by the ghoul den, and when I told him of my punishment, he just laugh and told me I could stay with him until Swiss came back, or he could take me to the ghoul den. However, I only trust Phil(who I really need to check up on), Swiss, and I guess Mountain as well.

It sounds odd that I only trust so few ghouls even though I have this blog and have said I'll talk with the other ghouls and Papa's, but to be honest with you all, the other ghouls arnt exactly very... Friendly. I'm suprised Swiss is super friendly, expecially since I've heard... Things... From other Siblings. I've SEEN things on the other siblings. One of the siblings couldn't walk for a week after having a run in with some of the ghouls, while another had bruises and bite marks all over his body.

I decided to stay with Primo, and honestly, I really like hanging around him. He's like an old grandpa! He talks alot about flowers and flower languages, but I'm fine with him doing so. Maybe if I get good at them I can ask Jacob out I can give the flowers to some of the siblings they've helped raised me while I'm here. I wonder if he could teach me anything else while I'm here- I heard Papa Primo and Secundo were good at getting dates when they were younger. I'd ask Papa Terzo, but Whenever I try I get all flustered and embarrassed and end up running away. Maybe it'll be easier asking Papa Primo?

Also, I hope Swiss comes back soon. The Papa's dont eat when the others eat, for some reason, so Papa Primo isn't hungry, and Lunch is almost here and I am hungry. Swiss, save me!!

[hiraethprinmec]

Tuesday, January 9th, 2024

I've been having a hard time lately. I feel weak struggling with addiction. waking up late, not doing much of anything. I miss who I used to be loose, creative, financially free. I wonder if I can ever be that way again. I want to be different , I want a spectacular life. I want to be pretty successful, happy. I know mostly what I need to do but I've been just not doing it. I wake up late in the evening in a dirty room, I smoke, eat and play games on a loop. I want to write , paint, meet people. I've just been in a rut, feeling so tired. I want this to be my year. I want to smoke right now, its only been a minute or two since my last puff, its what I do everyday upon waking.

sometimes I wake up and I cant believe this is my life, I sit there and remember who I am and what I do. I wish I could turn back time and do thing differently. knowing what I do now. I kind of like this writing it feels like the piano. maybe this will help me . I want to believe I can be even better than before. I've been fumbling for so long I want to be different, the comfort of hitting a vape and feeling something, relaxing its something I don't want to quit. I'm considered a heavy smoking , that concerns me. when I think of quitting I always think of Sunday playing DnD, I think but "I want to smoke on Sunday" so maybe ill do my best to not smoke as much or at all until Sunday. I sometimes think of getting one of those time sensitive safes, maybe it would work or maybe it'd kill time and sleep till it opened for me.

i know i have a problem, i miss weed, i miss money, i miss feeling on top of the world. i wish i could go back in time. i struggle to do the dishes ,clean my room , brush my teeth, go out. everything feels wrong and undoable. i wish people knew who i was, i wish i could be myself. no one knows of my diagnosis, they would think i was lying and cringe. i would do anything to be normal. i want to be desired, unique. i know i just said i want to be normal and unique. what i mean is the way i am isn't the good kind of unique, i am odd and ugly. i want to be a bit odd and pretty. the kind of girl someone is intrigued by. this is all quite self loathing but i am the only one who will read it . the tip said stream of consciousness and these are my thoughts I try and not think of.

I don't want to smoke that bad when I am writing like this maybe I am smoking so much because my brain is so tangled and I am bored most of the time do to the low energy. i think this is good for me. I'm only 530 words in but this is very insightful. i feel like I'm going to sleep better tonight already.

i get stressed out thinking of tomorrow, I don't want to be on this earth and i think that's the problem. i must do things to maintain myself and I'm not even happy. what a waste i feel. i wish i wrote down what i felt when i was younger maybe i wasn't happy then either.

i want write a story about zombies, they always say be the change you want to see in the world and i want more zombie media. I lack confidence clearly. maybe i will do a meditation after this, some affirmations. I want a good life for myself I just get so overwhelmed. i don't know what I'm going to say to my therapist on Thursday am i going to lie about smoking or tell the truth. its a phone session so i think she will worry about me. id like to think I would have gone in person this week if grandma was in town. i need to learn to drive that is a shame point for me. almost done with the 750 i kind of don't want it to end so that's a good thing. I like this I'm going to do my best to stick with it.

I've been looking at daily routines of people on YouTube, famous people. i am feeling motivated, i feel scared too because what if its gone in the morning. I've gone through so many bouts of depression and relapses that i think I've just resorted to lying down and rotting. i don't want to be that way. in my mind life is a story and that is a sad and boring one.

Michelle my therapist would be happy at my progress today and i am too. i woke up talked to my dad, asked for help which i have a hard time doing and i didn't put it off and script it. i asked as soon as the problem arrived. after that i made my bed , tidied a bit. i cooked cornbread and black-eyed peas, maybe that where I've gotten this luck. i made it the way my grandma does. i need to let people in , i need to ask for help. the people in my life don't know I'm struggling. I'm sure they can sense it, but i put on a front every time and act nonchalant.

inside i am filled to the brim with drama and feeling. i am over the edge with ideas and emotion. there is so much that i want to do and so many things i want to be. i am sick of myself. this year i am going to be different . i want peace, happiness and i sense of belonging in this world. i am going to forge a purpose for myself, things and thoughts to be proud of. these feeling scare me , change has that effect on me. its the autism and trauma. i can doing great things . just because things are hard for me doesn't mean I'm bad at them. i feel bad that things a lot because of how much mental anguish i have , but most things i do , i do well.

I'm proud of myself , I cleaned under my bed and mostly swept my room, made dinner that was healthy. I plan to paint this evening. I'd like to light an incense and a candle.

i only have one pod for the next 5-6 days , that means ive gone through 3 since friday night and its Tuesday night, so i guess around 5 days. these next few days might be rough. my overindulgence and poor planning is going to get the best of me. i feel zapped of motivation when i think about not having much left. im snacking on some BBQ chips, that gives me some dopamine. its 10:18pm right now. i want to paint in a bit i know ill be thinking about my low supply when i do. i like to smoke when i paint. i worked on my DnD character a bit ,not finished but some progress. i got a bit confused and that triggers me to smoke and feel discouraged, a bit dumb.

I don't know what I'm going to paint. I started last night and its just abstract colors. maybe ill paint figures and flowers, I usually do that . ill listen to my new audio book while i do it. she's interesting and strong in mind, just like who id like to be. over all im weary but optimistic about starting this writing habit thing . it makes me feel accomplished and I actually want to do it. i don't want to do anything most days so this feeling is welcome and exciting.

so lets plan my next hour or two, i grab a candle and an incense , come back to my room light it , find some music , some water. ill stand up to paint, keep it abstract and loose. i need to think less paint more, ideas will come to me. i want to smoke i have the urge right now, i want to rip open the package of my last pod and puff puff puff. it really is a addictive chemical, and the choke hold it has me in. its cold tonight 37 degrees outside. my stomach feels weird , I feel a bit anxious. its because I don't have the freedom to hit my juul as I please .I'm rationing now.

I like getting all of my this out of my head. I feel clear, I'm glad I saw this 750 words thing. feels less lonely and like place where i can be me, i don't really know who i am but as i talk more ill be able to see more clearly. the past few months I've just been doing very base level activities , I don't want to just survive i was to thrive, create be someone i am proud of. what to paint something atmospheric, colorful, somber.

im listening to the last of us soundtrack right now and its so peaceful. writing has helped my brain feel clear . everything i think i write, it helps me figure things out. usually i just get overwhelmed and try to distract with games or videos. rather than think i just push every thought and dream away. what are my dreams? i want to be a great painter, a good person. i have regrets. i want to be a painter people admire, i want to be proud and love my work. i want to be able to sustain myself on my art , thrive on it. i want to do interviews and make videos about creating. i want to be happy and free from my vices. i want to live a long life with the people i love. i want to create without needing a substance . i want to be surrounded by my work on every wall. by the end of my life i want hundreds many a thousand paintings. i want long beautiful hair and a bright mind. i want to be kind and empathetic. fun to be around and enriching to talk to. im only 21 i can do these things i just have to change my life and stay true to my dreams. i don't want to old and regret my life.

i need to be conscious, deliberate with my time here. i can do this, i can be who i want to be. i am smart , i am kind, i am beautiful, i am talented, i have a vision. i can do hard things. i lit the candle and the incense, with the intention of trying to get back in touch with my spirituality and being positive. i used to have a lot of faith and i want to again. things will work out for me i just need to work for myself. i deserve happiness and success, love and light. i will succeed this year it will be the best year so far so help me god. I'm going to start looking for signs again, asking for them too. ill pray every night. take care of myself and my surrounding.

im really happy i found writing. when i know what im thinking i can take it seriously, identify what i want and what i dont. Keep my brain and hands occupied. smell is something i dont think of often its important, changes your perspective, adds novelty to your moments, brings me deeper into this life. i need to start engaging all of my senses. smell with incense and candles perfumes. taste is easy, just eating. touching soft clothes, slime, painting. seeing beautiful things, painting again, viewing art, photos ,videos, nature. hearing music, asmr, silence when needed.

2024 words at the beginning of 2024. i like just sitting here writing about nothing, i wonder if its productive. i dont really care, its helping me and i feel nice. i want to keep up with this its cool and it will be interesting to look back on in the future. see everything i was thinking and wishing. let me think goals for this month. make a painting, start to write some of a zombie book, be more active, drink more water. starting medium, may be small for some people but i need to ramp up to doing more ive been sedentary for so long.

this is peaceful i know ive said it alot but i havent felt this way in a long time. like i have a purpose, something i can do, something i want to do. what do i want my paintings to say? I struggle with that alot. my mind is mostly blank thinking about it. i want to incapsulate how i feel, how i see things. how do i feel and how do i see things? otherworldly, out of place, desperate to be free, to be understood, to belong.