#don't get me wrong i am Very Scared about 2024

[qqueenofhades]

Just Cali Voter Things: Panicking bc you thought you were supposed to have a mail in ballot for today, wondering where you'll vote in person...only to realize with relief you read the website too fast and the next election for your area is 2024.

For everyone else, go fight and win! Whip up a Blue Tsunami that leaves no red stains behind!

Aha, indeed. I voted by mail a couple weeks ago for 2 (two) school board races and a couple of statewide ballot measures, which may seem like small potatoes but are, yknow, directly relevant to where I live, the amount of tax money I will get next year, and so forth. EVERY ELECTION, EVERY TIME.

I likewise just made a post about it, but if they are in fact calling KY for Beshear with improved margins from last time (2019), then abortion rights will probably pass in Ohio and Virginia can be kept safe from Youngkin. Or so we fucking hope. If we can get some actual hard data, maybe the idiots flooding the zone with garbage polls that show Trump pulling 22% of Black voters and Biden only ahead of Trump by one point with voters under 30 (all together now: LOLOLOLOLOL), can shut up or at least not get constant breathless media attention for a bit. Plus I am old enough to remember how the narrative in 2011 was all how Obama was going to get crushed by a generic Republican (oh Mittens, how we long for the days when we thought YOU were the worst the GOP could do). Then he won handily with 332 electoral votes. It's almost like the media has a vested interest in running a Horse Race narrative and beating down the Democratic candidate every time. Weird.

[dr-spectre]

WE DID IT!!!!!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!!!!! This is such a big milestone. Halfway until 1000 followers... that's absolutely insane!!

This will be the last follower update until we reach 1000. But, I wanna share something special with you all and get rather personal...

So, about a year ago, I wanted to learn how to draw because I was feeling depressed about "not being productive enough." Basically I got sucked into the bullshit productivity self help stuff that wants to turn your life into a cold calculated work obsessed nightmare, rather than living in the moment due to fear mongering about the future and how "if you don't grind now you WILL be a failure and die alone and get no pussy." (No wonder I picked Team Present for the Grand Fest...)

Plus I dropped out of uni at the time and welp, to put it lightly, I was feeling fucking god awful and I was scared into basically "putting in the hard work" by all these self help channels and other bullshit online. Whatever the FUCK that vague shit means, my autistic brain still doesn't get it.

It was BY FAR the worst period of my life, but, at least I tried to do SOMETHING. And I wanna show you all some of the things that I drew last year....

This was between October 2023 to February 2024. I stopped drawing due to it causing me much frustration and anger.

So yeah! Uh... enjoy?

So.... not the best work you've seen, right? HAHAHAHAHA!

Would you freak out if I told you that I got upset and damaged a book and a fan because I got so mad at myself over not being able to draw or do anything right?...

I feel like this ain't for me, and you know what? That's okay! I've learnt that it's okay to try new things, it's okay to experiment and if shit doesn't work then it doesn't work. Plain and simple. It's perfectly fine to give up and try something else.

You are not a robot, you are a human being. Don't feel like you "gotta do something everyday otherwise you'll die alone and you'll be broke and you'll never be successful and you'll be forgotten!!"

Do feel pressured to feel like you have to "find your thing" or "be productive" or whatever kind of... heh.... BRAINWASHING you hear online.

I wanted to draw because I was jealous of others, including my friends who are skilled artists... and I did it for the wrong reasons which is why I stopped in February.

I am very happy that I've decided to actually focus on what i like doing and what gives me energy. A quote that has stuck with me for years now is a quote by Jordan Peele from an interview, and it's basically this-

"Follow the fun." And you know what? He's right. Following what gives you that good good boost of dopamine while also feeling like you're accomplishing something is one of the best feelings EVER!!!! Whether it's art, writing, modelling, sculpting, architecture, making music, acting, clay sculptures, etc. FOLLOW THE FUN!! FOLLOW THE SHIT THAT EXCITES YOU!!! I literally always have multiple projects spiralling around in my head all the time and cycling between them at every given moment.

I'm not even saying do only what makes you comfortable or be lazy either, do shit that makes you go "BRING IT ON!!!! I WANNA DO THIS!!!" Get that blood pumping!!! Challenge yourself fairly!!!! There's healthy and unhealthy stress. Healthy stress should make you feel like a fucking PREDATOR!!! AN ANIMAL ON THE HUNT!!! While unhealthy stress makes you feels like you're the prey, the one who's being chased by an unknown force that's out to get you!!

I feel like I'm kinda rambling... anyways!!! ENOUGH WITH THE INSPIRATIONAL BULLSHIT!!! THANK YOU ALL!!!!!! 99% of you have been awesome and incredible!!!

It's also been an honor to get to know so many people who feel the same way as I do about a certain squid lady and her best friends.... before I went onto tumblr I genuinely felt so alone and so insane. I felt isolated, I felt like no one saw these characters the way that I do... I thought my perspective of a certain squid lady and her rebel phase was invalided and false... But now I know that I have people who have my back and understand what I'm trying to express...

One final time, thank you. I'll keep going.

STAY FRESH!!!!!!!!!!

[utilitycaster]

Hi there! Do you think the Bells - and in particular Ashton's focus and indist a bit too hard on the fact that Aeor orb vision will completely change people's perceptions of gods? I tend to think that lot of people who somewhat know history are aware of the fact that Primes and Betrayers joined hands to destroy the city. As for common folk - it would be at also hard to believe that for example they would completely denounce Wildmother who is nature (all good and all bad. Bad as in destructive). I can imagine some folks reaction to this would be to feel scared, but then again. Those are Gods we speak about, not your friendly neighbors. What do you think?

So here's the thing: I've felt some of the depictions of what the average person knows this campaign have been...inconsistent isn't the right word, because, for example, the norm in the Menagerie Coast might not be the norm in Gelvaan and certainly isn't the norm in central Issylra, but also the party not recognizing the symbol of Asmodeus (for example) is something that's always struck me as like. people in the United States not knowing what a crucifix is. Like yeah those people exist - I've met very religious Jews in the US who don't know what day Christmas is other than "generally in late December" - but either we never met many of those people in Campaigns 1 and 2 and met them all in Campaign 3, or there's been some retconning (which...that's a complex discussion as to canonicity between campaigns, since the answer is, ultimately, it depends on the specifics and the magnitude and the source of that information, ie, if High Bearer Vord's creation myth is wrong that's valid because he's providing a specific perspective with plenty of bias, or if orcs were NOT created during the Calamity that's valid because unfortunately myths born of stereotype and bigotry are extremely common; but if Matt's drastically changing previously established truths of the world without in-world explanation, rather than just quietly dropping no longer relevant references as one-offs a la Ladueger, yeah that is bad storytelling and anyone who tells you it isn't is an idiot).

But actually that doesn't matter because here's just a truth about people: a whole lot of people in, for example, the United States in 2024, where 95% of adults have regular internet access, are fairly uninvested in much outside their basic day to day life, just, in general. This is going to be even more true in a world without that degree of information and interconnectedness. I think a lot of people are going to be like "ok and this thousand year old city being destroyed affects me how?" Not to get too cynical about it but think about someone whose experience with the gods is rather like what Laudna describes her youth as being: harvest festivals and wishing for rain. Like, if it's a good harvest this year, will they care?

I don't personally agree with this mentality irl, but groups of people on the whole are frequently resistant to change, do not want trouble, and want to be left alone. I think no shortage of people's attitudes will simply be "why is this motherfucker downloading the Downfall of Aeor Album to everyone's iPod when I am trying to eat breakfast." It won't even get to the point of "are the gods good or bad"; it will literally just be "who the fuck is broadcasting something? the MOON is fucked up? we have real problems?" Like, if people do not know the story of the fall of Aeor, someone being like HEY THE GODS CRASHED THIS CITY BECAUSE THEY HAD MADE A GOD-KILLING WEAPON is probably going to elicit a response of, again, "and I should care about this because? a fucking phoenix is strafing us, why are you doing a test of the emergency broadcast system?"

[crownmemes]

Doctor Who (S14) Sentences

(Sentences from Doctor Who (S14, 2024). Adjust phrasing where needed)

"I am so, so glad to be alive!"

"There's no such thing as monsters - there's just creatures you haven't met yet."

"When was the last time that you had a hug?"

"Look at me; nobody grows up wrong."

"This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone! Don't laugh!"

"One trick, once; that's all you get with the gods."

"The power of these creatures is so vast, the whole world could slide into the pit."

"Sometimes genius is just hard work."

"Do this for me and I'll let you see my tattoo! It's not on general view, which makes it more exciting!"

"You should be nice to him - he likes you!"

"Everything's fine! Completely fine!"

"Why are you singing?"

"Tell me what you're not telling me."

"Okay, are you getting scared? Because you're just babbling now!"

"You're giving me orders now?"

"Quite frankly, your lifespan sucks!"

"We're all dead eventually. There's hardly any time that we're not dead!"

"We have telepathic dampeners, mesmeric shielding, and necklaces of silver and salt in case of witchcraft."

"It's just, sometimes I get the impression that you're not really listening - that you're drifting off, thinking of something else."

"Even in bed, it's like you're always a distance away."

"Are you saying that you actually want to fire a nuclear missile?"

"I know I probably shouldn't say this, but I look so cute!"

"Remind me, to which dishonouring are you referring?"

"I'm awfully bored of your shouting."

"If you wish to challenge me to a duel, then please - do! Then I can shoot you dead!"

"Wow! You really are wonderfully bad, aren't you?"

"Well, I thought I knew everyone at my ball, but it appears not!"

"I think the real estimation of an evening is the matches made, don't you think?"

"Brooding. Good look. Do you practice in the mirror?"

"People look to me as an arbiter of taste!"

"I think of you every waking hour, and I hate myself for it."

"I will not marry you. Not now, not ever."

"Do you never stop chattering?"

"No one walks away from a situation with one less shoe. You'd notice."

"You're a bounty hunter? That is so cool."

"Suits you, flustered. It's a good look."

"I don't see how us dancing would create a scene."

"This is the wrong time to be strong and silent and so... Attractive."

"I've decided that it's about time I cause some trouble for myself!"

"He looks like he's been dead for a hundred years."

"This feeling that you're feeling right now is doubt, and don't you feel so alive?"

"I suppose you do have a very nice face."

"You have lived for far too long."

"We fought a monster, and now I must become a monster."

"Will I ever see you again?"

[giuseppe-yuki]

I AM BACK and kinda sleepy, HELLO NEIGHBOR (our countries are near each other!!)

I imagine that one of the driver gfs has a scary job, but i don't know which. They scare their bf every time and they are like: well this is what u make me feel like!! while kicking their legs happily

- 🐺 anon

HI HI :)

that’s so cool we are neighbors!!!! it really is a small world, even on tumblr, huh?

-

certainly! when you said scary, i perceived it as potentially dangerous in certain situations.

i first thought of a firefighter as big possibility. like max somehow just finding out his gf is a firefighter??? not only that, an actual fire chief??? he probably does so in a stupid way too, like he’s reheating a kabob at home, and it all goes horribly wrong and his kabob catches on fire. while he’s going batshit insane, trying to blow out the flaming object in front of him (“gahhhh!!!! my kabob!!! what do i do? what do i do?”) his gf just rolls her eyes, shoves the pantry door open, and pulls out the fire extinguisher, pulls out the safety pin with her teeth, and expertly diffuses the situation with a simple spray of the nozzle (“wow, max, i’m glad we didn’t overreact and stayed completely calm over the small kitchen fire!”) after max gets over the fact that he certainly will not be eating his kabob anytime soon, he def questions his girlfriend how she knew what to do. she gives him a weird look (“max…i’m…. a fire chief..?”). he responds in a calm manner (“WHAT? but that’s so dangerous! you have to be careful, okay??”). she, of course gives him a good talking to regarding the comparison of danger levels of their respective jobs.

another possibility- fighter jet pilot!!! hell yeah 👍

let’s say, yuki’s gf maybe? i would think that in this universe where she is a pilot, she doesn’t act at all like a typical fighter jet pilot’s personality would be. like she’d be super shy and timid, always hiding behind yuki in the paddock and flitting away from reporters. all yuki knows is that her job is very time consuming like his own, and that she sometimes disappears for a few weeks for something “job related” that she calls “missions.” yuki thinks nothing of his gf’s job shenanigans, cause hey, how can he when he does the exact same thing, heading to what seems the 20th triple header in the 2024 season. it’s only when his gf invites him to a work thing to see something “kind of interesting,” does he actually realize… wait maybe she wasn’t kidding about the “missions.” why is her workplace in the middle of a desert…. why is there like three highly armed security guards that just waved the both of them through a barbed wire gate…why is she walking into this giant ass aeroplane hangar…why is she pulling on a helmet….why is she getting into that jet? she’s prob there just for a test run of the jet, so does a few loop d loops or whatever you do with a fighter jet to test it, effectively scaring the shit out of her poor boyfriend, who cringes every time the jet takes a nosedive dangerously close to the ground. he’s still kind of in shock, even later that night back at his house. she’ll be quietly reading her book on the bed that they share and he’s all like, “disregarding the whole part where you are literally a fighter jet pilot, it’s actually v scary when you do those nosedives and flips in the air while going a billion km/h. my heart literally can’t stand that :( if i see that again i might pass out from a heart attack.” she just laughs. “i know exactly how you feel baby- that’s what i feel when you’re speeding down the straights in that little matchbox car of yours.”

[cultivating-wildflowers]

2024 Reading - September

Another productive month. Which I know would rub some readers the wrong way, and sometimes that mindset isn't great for me either, but as a girlie who likes her lists? I'm happy getting to check off stuff.

The biggest accomplishment this month was FINALLY finishing The Disorderly Knights. It took me so long that by the end of the story, I'd already forgotten what happened at the beginning. But it's done, and I have the next book on my shelf. For next year. Maybe.

Total books: 10  |  New reads: 9  |   2024 TBR completed: 2 (1 DNF) / 29/36 total   |   2024 Reading Goal: 63/100

August | October

potential reading list from September 1st

#1 - The Boys in the Boat: Nine Americans and Their Epic Quest for Gold at the 1936 Berlin Olympics by Daniel James Brown - 5/5 stars

After hearing people rave about the movie and then the book, I snagged a cheap copy from my local used bookstore and decided to check it out.

It was so so worth it. Absolutely breathtaking. All of the assorted narratives--the different characters, the historical background, the technical details--came together so perfectly and resulted in a captivating story. I love every bit of it. I cried.

#2 - In the Forests of Serre by Patricia A. McKillip - 5/5 stars ('24 TBR)

This is exactly the sort of story I was craving. Absolutely spellbinding.

More like this: I had the sense this story reminded me of something else I've read, but I'm blanking on it just now. If I remember, I'll come back here. It might have been a fairy tale kind of story. It's a bit like the first Earthsea book. Perhaps Robin McKinley, Patricia C. Wrede, Madeleine L'Engel, Shannon Hale.... Diana Wynne Jones. It feels like a Ghibli movie.

#3 - The Unselected Journals of Emma M. Lion, Vol 2 by Beth Brower - 4/5 stars

A fun installment! I am quickly losing track of the cast, but I can totally see the author's vision of this being a delightful period drama.

#4 - The Disorderly Knights by Dorothy Dunnett - 4/5 stars

Note to anyone I've recommended this series to: I unfortunately have to retract that hearty recommendation and replace it with...several caveats.

I finished! Honestly, I don't know why it took so long, because once I made myself sit still and read it was easy-ish going; I just had trouble sitting still.

Ok, so "easy" is not the right word. With this series, the first half of each book tends to be a slow build-up, while the end careens rapidly downhill to the conclusion and the ever-brilliant (and painful) reveal.

And, uh.... This got much darker and more intense than I was prepared for. (If I made a habit of reading more in this line, I might have seen that coming, but epics aren't my usual fare.) Narratively, it all worked very well, but it was right on the edge of what I can tolerate.

Still, with 200 pages left to go, I absolutely planned to keep reading the series, well aware that it would be...an experience. Then I saw a blurb for both Book Four and Book Five, skimmed some super vague reviews for Book Four ("Five Stars. owowowowowowowowowowww") and freaked out. And, against all my usual inclinations, hunted for spoilers. And now I'm scared. (But, weirdly, less stressed about the conclusion? Which is an odd experience.)

#5 - Od Magic by Patricia A. McKillip - 3/5 stars (audio)

This confirms my suspicion that McKillip is one of those hit-or-miss authors for me. The first book of hers that I read was The Changeling Sea, six years ago, and I remember absolutely nothing about it. Then In the Forests of Serre blew me away. Od Magic? Another middling story.

Don't get me wrong; McKillip's writing is gorgeous. It immediately draws you in, connects you to living, breathing characters, and paints the most vivid pictures. But the story here just kind of...wanders along. It's a pleasant journey, but not very exciting.

Note: I didn't dive into "Od Magic" because of how much I loved "In the Forests of Serre". I needed an "O" title, and realized McKillip had a few. 😅

#6 - Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones - 5/5 stars (reread, audio)

We all know I love this. 'Nuff said.

#7 - Yours From the Tower by Sally Nicholls - 4/5 stars

Another Tumblr rec! And a read that had the unfortunate pressure of me getting to it on the heels of 1) a so-so fantasy and 2) a historical fiction adventure that wrung me out. I did my best not to go into it with any expectations outside of being pleasantly charmed, and charmed I was. 90% of it was a fun, light read with just a touch of drama, but my stars, the end had me rolling. There's something so fun about epistolary novels when it comes to twists and big reveals.

#8 - Thornhedge by T. Kingfisher - 5/5 stars (audio)

A gorgeous little story.

#9 - Bryony and Roses by T. Kingfisher - 4/5 stars (audio)

Largely enjoyable, but the ending felt rushed.

#10 - The Ladies of Grace Adieu and Other Stories by Susanna Clarke - 4/5 stars

An impulse pick from the library. I wanted something short and sweet and discovered this after finishing Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell. As is becoming a habit with Clarke's writing, I enjoyed this book. I loved the variety of styles and tones within the collection.

DNF*

The Element of Fire by Martha Wells - Not a bad story, but by the 15% mark I remained bored and vaguely confused and unable to pay attention, so I gave up. I like Wells's writing style (obviously), but this was evidently her debut and is a bit dull around the edges. For some reason it reminded me vaguely of The Curse of Chalion, which I love, so might be worth checking out if you enjoy Lois McMaster Bujold. Goodreads also shows that fans of T. Kingfisher might enjoy this one as well. (Note: Paladin's Grace [below] also had the same general feel as The Element of Fire and The Curse of Chalion)

The Anthropology of Turquoise: Reflections on Desert, Sea, Stone, and Sky by Ellen Meloy ('24 TBR) - I was hoping for a more scientific exploration of color. Instead, this book is a collection of (in my and my friends' opinions) weirdly stuffy, stilted essays. I don't usually mind slow, descriptive/lyrical writing, but this is something else. If you don't mind a deeply personal and conversational writing style and a book you can sit with for several months, definitely check this one out, because it has merit; it's just not for me.

Zao's Tales by J.A. Sommer - I'm still vaguely unclear on how this book arrived on my shelf (it was a gift from my mother and she bought it to support someone?). Decidedly not for me. Also...now I don't have a "Z" title for my alphabet challenge lol.

just kidding, I found another one that was kind of on my radar and ordered it from the library, whoo

Paladin's Grace by T. Kingfisher - I'm learning that Kingfisher really straddles the line on what I'm willing to tolerate content-wise. This one was a "no" based on that.

The Sea at the End of Everything by Emily McCosh - The writing style was not for me. Sorry, Ruby.

*I'm starting to wonder if I should bother recording books I DNF.... They make up fully a third of the books I've picked up this year.

Currently Reading:

The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead by Max Brooks - just started

[molsno]

yknow, this past week has been a really hard and terrifying one after finding out I'm being laid off and having no details beyond that. combine that with a few other things and I've been extremely stressed and scared.

I haven't really done this in a long time, but it's making me think about the past year. 2023 has undoubtedly been the worst year of my life. in january I was a pathetic shut-in living in my mom's house who was too scared to even think about existing in society, so being told I had to move across the country alone for work was my worst nightmare. I had literally never done anything like that before - I'd never even had a real full time job before that. I couldn't stop breaking down and crying to everyone who would listen.

as soon as I left the airport after arriving here though I started to feel different. I felt like maybe I could do this after all. and I did! being forced to do things on my own with nobody to bail me out if I failed made me really take responsibility for myself! I started to feel like an adult for the first time! sure, I made some bad financial decisions due to my lack of experience, but I was able to make everything work out and acquire some stability.

it's kind of strange too how I mostly started off feeling very isolated and alienated even from my friends. sure, I had two girlfriends, and I had a few friends that I was pretty close with, but I was still very much fueled by my anxiety and trauma with regards to friendships. but over time I started to make new friends - in person even! and yes, I'm still just as awkward as ever, but I've had some really great times with them. I've even started to repair the bridge between my longtime friends and be more honest and trusting with them. I even rounded out the year with another girlfriend, much to my own surprise.

don't get me wrong, the trauma I've sustained this year has blown everything else in my past out of the water. but I've grown so much and it's really astounding when I think about how different I am now compared to how I was at the beginning of this year.

2023 was unbelievably difficult, but throughout it all, I've grown a lot, and I'm really happy about that. it wouldn't have been possible without all the people supporting me, of course, and I'm really grateful to everyone who's been a part of my life this year. I've been extremely scared and stressed about 2024. big changes are coming, and I'm almost certainly off to a terrible start. but unlike earlier this year, I feel like I'll be able to get through it. and if all goes well, I'll be much, MUCH better off this at time next year.

[araminthe]

Tuesday, 6th of August / Mardi 6 août 2024

Yesterday, I forgot to write about my day so I'm doing it now.

So, since I was working until late, (because I'm always more focused at night), I slept late, so I woke up at 11 something and was still so damn tired.

That day, I was supposed to go karting because I had 12 tickets from a year ago that were expired very soon (it would have been more than a 100€ wasted)

So I had to vacuum the house before going out, it made me sweat like crazy and I ran out of deodorant and I don't even have time for a quick shower before going out, so I'm scared of smelling very bad, plus I'm tired so it very much makes me angry (but I think it was more stress than something else, since I was supposed to also organise it so I go with my cousins, but social pressure makes me ughhhhh)

Anyway, my cousins in the end were busy so they were not coming, at least I have this pressure off my shoulders. I dont know why but having to organise something with so many people put so much pressure on me.

So it was just me and my 4 sibling (yes you heard that right, and yes I am actually the oldest sibling, help). And my mother.

Glad she also came, I could not for the life of me keep all those dangerous sibling under control without going crazy.

At least, I have a brother my age, but the 3 left are young children.

So anyway, we go and have to walk a lot because for an unknown reason the bus doesnt go until the karting place.

We arrive, we share the tickets, there are 6 tickets for children so they take 2 each.

And 6 for adults so we take 3 each me and my bro.

It was fun. I rode the kart like crazy, it was on concrete, outside, so it equals mode adrenaline. There were lots of turns/curves and the goal was to do a lap as quickly as possible.

Each time I rode, I was getting used to the kart so I was going faster. I once tried to see how fast I could go during a turn but I messed up and when I was turning, I got straight into the foam barriers at my right. The hit was so powerful I moved the barriers, I hoped no one payed attention because I felt like a guilty bisch.(You know this feeling when you're a child and you feel like you're going to get grounded bcs you messed up and you feel very guilty? It's a feeling that stayed, I'm scared of autority, or people coming and telling me I did bad ಥ_ಥ )

Anyway, I made sure to quickly move on and not overthink. Another time, it was at the start of the 2nd race, I did not expect the kart to turn this easily, so by turning right I did a 180° turn, I was turned on the opposite direction of the race, so I quickly turned, got back on track and carried on.

Then, during the 3rd race, I made my worst mistake. So a bit of context; There was a girl (prob around 20y old) during the race she was going very slowly meanwhile everyone else was fast, it's not a problem, maybe she's scared or it's her first time, it happens, she has her reasons.

But, I once happened to be riding near my brother, so I started I to race him to go past him and win, but it was right when we were approaching to where the girl was. Just so you know, the road is broad enough for 2 karts to pass, not 3, and even for two you have to be careful. So my brother sees her in front and starts to slow, but I don't, I'm behind my brother, their cars are next to one another, I don't have enough time to slow down so I just completely ran into them.

I so powerfully hit my brother who in turn hit the girl. I swear I'm sorry and did not do that in purpose. My kart kept going but it made my brother's kart do a 180° turn, same for the girl.

So I slow down again, look behind, their cars are turned the wrong direction, I thought for a second I saw smoke for my bro's kart, (fortunately it was gravel that had been kicked up by the wheels). So they just go back on track and I hope the girl's not traumatized by the impact or the hit. I would have apoligized, but the thing is, when you're riding you can't talk or be heard because you're wearing a hood, and on top of that a thick helmet.

So I just resumed my ride, and at the end of it, as soon as my brother and I get out of the cart we have to go home, (my dad had to take my bro to an appointment, so my dad told us to come quickly and drove us away).

I'm sorry for the girl, my brother said, since he was right next to the girl, he for a sec thought I had broke her neck or something 💀💀.

He's probably exagerating to mess with me, but nah I feel sorry. My bad.

If girl you ever happen to have gone karting Tuesday 6, and ever happen to read that, know that I'm sorry. I hope you're alright.

So after that, I go home at 7pm

Had to do a few things (again...please let me rest). I was sooo tired, the whole day I didn't even have the energy to talk or be excited for the karting, yeah it was fun, but only in my head because I was physically exhausted, I had also eaten only a little so imagine my exhaustion.

WHEN I FINALLY GOT TO RETIRE FROM MY FAMILY, it was 10.30pm, and didn't even make my bed or put on pj's, I just took my pillow and blanket and slept on top of all the things on my bed.

At night, I woke up at 1am and had a hard time going back to sleep. Y'know what's strange? Usually, I am a big sleeper, I always fall asleep super fast and I don't wake up at all at night, but lately I have been having a hard time with waking up at night and not being able to go back to sleep. Why could that be? Am I becoming kinda insomniac, or is my sleep schedule just really messed up?

Well, in conclusion I had a really fun day, 2nd time of my life I go karting, but the only downside was my anxiousness and tiredness. My lil'siblings also rode with children like themselves, (for children they have slower karts), it was the first time for the youngest, so they were all happy and ultra hyped up. (That's a W for oldest daughter, I'm glad I could make them happy).

Another funny thing, during the ride, to go and come back from the karting, I was revising the "code de la route", in english I think it's the highway code or smthg like that. Before learning to ride, you first have to pass this exam. And here I am, causing accident on the road (at least it was with a kart and not a car, obviously I will not ride like that with a car, I don't have homicide on my mind).

So welp, at least I'm not scared of going fast (not sure if this experience is relevant for riding a true car, but it's better than nothing? )

╮(￣ω￣;)╭

(I know no one reads what I write and that no one will read all that, but personally I love listening to others life and experiences, so maybe if I keep doing that I will find people like me, and also, I just need someone to tell about my life without feeling like I'm throwing all my life on them.)

Bye, à plus amis invisibles.

[spurgie-cousin]

So I won't be voting for biden in November. I'm trans and live in a red state. I very familiar with the harm a trump presidency will do both to the country and me personally. I think most people refusing to vote for biden are aware of what trump will do.

But the democrats have presented this same choice in every election I've ever had the opportunity to vote in. And every time I gritted my teeth and voted for them because of supposed harm reduction they failed to protect my rights. And then only moved the party further to the right in the next election.

The genocide in gaza is just a breaking point for many of us after years of failure and broken promises by the democratic party. The harm against my community has continued under bidens presidency and he has made his priorities funding genocide and dragging us into another pointless war. Why would I continue to support him? The hopelessness you see voting 3rd party is how we see voting for biden.

I don't necessarily think a 3rd party candidate will win in 2024. But the democrats have destroyed any hope I once had in them. I have to try something different. And withdrawing support from the democrats is the only thing I can think to do.

Yea I don't think you're wrong at all, I'm exhausted with the Democrats and really, really don't want to vote for Joe Biden. I also live in a red state, in a super rural area that I know for a fact will go Trump during the election.

It's not that I see voting for a third party candidate as useless, I just wish there was a candidate we could all rally behind that would even have somewhat of a fair shot against the two party system. I feel like there's enough anger that we could get there but it doesn't seem like anyone can agree (or maybe they do and I'm just uninformed) even just to take enough of the votes away from the Dems that it would scare them into changing. but as we've seen in past elections, that would need to be a massive chunk and for this election it feels like the left is so unorganized that they're not going to get the message through.

Which is not me telling anyone they should vote, obviously it's a losing game all around. Reading Trump's plan just really, really scared me if I'm being honest, it seems that attacking the rights of everyone except white male gun owners is the main goal of his entire campaign. And I honestly am worried that he'll double down on supporting Israel, which is not to say Biden isn't towing that line, but the conservatives I live around are SO pro-Israel and Trump will do anything to get approval from his base. And after Roe v Wade I totally believe Trump has enough support in government to come through on some of these promises he's talking about.

Idk the right thing to do if there is one, I'm mostly just scared.

[fairy25]

I'm not joking how am I supposed to continue living as a woman who has suffered serious trauma? I dont know what to do anymore.

I do not want to live (not a threat, just a fact. I am not in danger.) I don't know how I can go about my life when I am scared of men. Half of the people on the planet. I have been jobless for 3 years living with parents because I'm scared to be trapped in a confined space with male strangers again. In my last job, I was sexually harassed, touched, stared at, grabbed, threatened, and followed by male coworkers. It was a minimum wage BAKERY job. You'd think that would be an innocent place to work. I wore a hairnet, had hairy legs, and talked about my boyfriend at the time. and I still got harassed and they wouldn't stop even when i would talk to HR. When I told my ex-boyfriend I was raped he said I deserved it. I'm thinking maybe it's me who is wrong and maybe I just should somehow turn off my brain and let it all happen since I feel like I'm screaming and nobody even notices???

I genuinely don't want to live in the world anymore I'm just tired I wish I was a little girl again and I just want to play with my toys but i can't because im trapped in a 26 year old woman.

Sorry for ranting on christmas. I'm just having a bad day. I hope you had a good Christmas.

baby i would seriously recommend you find a female trauma therapist you feel comfortable with and commit to therapy once a week for at least a year. i would also recommend talking to a psychiatrist or even your primary care doctor if you feel comfortable to discuss getting on some anti-anxiety medication. i personally take propranolol & mirtazapine for anxiety (and migraines).

i know it feels endless right now (i have been there and i’m so so sorry you’re stuck in this dark place rn) but it is possible for things to get better, and for you to lead a “normal” life. i am rooting for you and i want to say your feelings are completely valid. i’m so sorry this is the state of the world. i’m so sorry that you’re unable to ignore the fear you feel, which is very real and very challenging to overcome. but you can overcome it. that doesn’t mean you have to be around men—i work fully remotely and the only men i talk to regularly are gay, old friends, or married to my friends/relatives.

merry xmas to you angel. i hope 2024 brings you more peace than this year. even if you don’t feel like it’s going to get better, please just keep going. sometimes progress is so gradual we don’t even realize it’s happening. sometimes it’s ok to distract yourself and take breaks from the real world. but keep going. if not for you, for other women. we need each other if we’re ever going to create a world where women don’t feel terrified just existing.

[kaemixx0]

July 6, 2024 12:07 a.m.

Under the cut; a lot of 3d text, tc4, an4, etc.

Soo, umm, today I want to write about what I have felt.

First of all; I'm so scared!

On Tuesday I will start my classes at college and I am very afraid that things will not go as I hope; I'm afraid, I'm very anxious and I know that I will be surrounded by people I don't know, I think it's good but it also makes me desperate because right now what I need the least are friends, in fact I would like to get away from everyone right now and concentrate on my 3d, but I love my friends and I know it's important to socialize at college, although I don't know how difficult it will be to maintain a balance between my social life and my constant exhaustion due to lack of food :(

Secondly; I think I'm a little upset with myself, it bothers me because I've had good results in a while without doing much and to think that it would be easier if I had done it when I was still in high school, ahgg, I wouldn't be fat now :(

Thirdly, I really like being here on 3dtumblr, and every moment of my process because every day I learn a little more about what I should do and what I shouldn't do and how to do it, although sometimes it's frustrating not to be simply and naturally skinny. —Plus, idk if some of u too but I've noticed that I hate the moment I have to take a shower, I hate see my body and feel it,,, but after this is actually cool haha, especially when I ⭐️ve i feel so clean, pretty an delicate.—

Fourthly, I hope that starting college will give me a little more independence, maybe then I can ⭐️ve myself more easily and well I would love to be already thin at this moment but I can't so my biggest motivation for now is my birthday and Christmas —December 6 and 25— so that my family can barely recognize me. :)

Fifth, I hate tiktok, half of my fyp is thinsp0 and the other half is full of girls in recovery and I mean, great for them, I'm so happy! But I hate those useless self love and motivational comments, I just can't tolerate them; Sometimes I want to recover, seriously, I'm afraid of how far I've thought about going to be thin but now I feel like I can't stop, Idk, it's a big dilemma. :(

Sixthly; Am I the only one who doesn't literally want skin and bones??? It inspires me a lot, but no, for many reasons:

☆ My family would notice immediately and they would force me to recover —no, thank you—.

☆ I still plan to live —a little longer haha— and that wouldn't help me at all.

☆ I have discovered that I like to look sick but not that sick; I don't want people to notice me for looking sick but for being skinny.

Besides! Today I tried to vomit; –I felt horrible like a pig— n literally my fingers touched the back of my throat and I didn't even gag. What the hell is wrong with me? Haha.

☆ X

[who-is-this-weirdo]

On February 3rd, 2024, I saw you made a post about TrickyTtalon from the r/Wings of Fire subreddit and I just thought I’d say how I also didn’t have a very good experience talking with them.

I absolutely despise Qibli and Moonbli in general tbh. Every single time I’d comment under a post (only the ones asking for unpopular opinions) how I dislike Qibli, Moon After Book 6, and Moonbli—they’d always comment trying to “prove me wrong.” They also made like a really icky statement about the whole “Qibli said he’d brainwash winter if he could” situation. (I’ll try to find a screenshot when I get the chance, so take this with a grain of salt.)

Trickytalon ended up blocking me on Reddit while we were (once again) discussing about Qibli, moon, and Moonbli. I thought the conversation was rather civil, but they kept bringing up some not very good points (imo) that were downvoted to absolute hell by everyone else. Idk, Trickytalon just kinda came across as really condescending and trying to shove their love for moon and Qibli down your throat. Like I get it, you like Qibli, Moon, and Moonbli, but constantly trying to say how other people are blatantly wrong for disliking certain aspects of their relationship while glossing over the unhealthy portions rubs me the wrong way.

Anyways, this was a mess, but I felt like speaking out with this.

Oh god I'm so sorry that it happened to ya, like bruh I don't really like Winterwatcher but Qibli ain't perfect either ? It's a disservice to his character to treat him as such and I am scared of what he thought about Qibli brainwashing Winter

[cardinaldante]

Greetings Siblings of the church!! It is Cardinal Dante. Papa Terzo told on me to Papa Copia, and now I am being punished!!! I can't even believe it!! I thought Papa Terzo would keep my secret, but no!!

Papa Copia is making me take the next few days off, and Swiss has now become my permanent guard since we got along so well. Hes a very nice ghoul, which I am very suprised about! Usually I run into that ghoul Dewdrop Sodo, and he does NOT like me. Mr. Saltarian came up to me while I was moping at the breakfast table, and after pulling me away from breakfast- and yelling at Swiss to stay- he asked me several.... Confusing questions. One of them was about my mother, which I do admit I yelled at him for. I don't know my mother, I was raised partially in the Christan Church and became a priest there at a young age. They told me I was an orphan, and that my mother left me on the doorsteps. She must have been struggling to just leave me.

He also asked my opinions on the Papa's, which, was also a little weird?? I told him that I accepted the Papa's, and that they were good people. Mr. Saltarian looked a little annoyed at that, and asked if I could become like Papa, would I. I told him the truth and said yes. He looked... Not suprised and nodded, and asked if I could help him with something. I told him he'd have to wait and he told me a date two weeks from now. January 17th, 2024. I don't know what he wants from me, as he ran off as soon as Papa Copia became walking over. Honestly, he's starting to worry me.

Other than that, Papa Copia scolded both me and Swiss afterwards and wouldn't hear a word about Saltarian. Swiss for leaving me alone, and Me for running off from Swiss. After that, we both got punishment to help the tall ghoul(Sorry, Swiss has informed me his name is 'Mountain') and Papa Primo in the greenhouse. I didn't mind though, Papa Primo tells the best stories, and Mountain is very quiet and doesn't mess with me. Swiss bit him though, and Mountain punched him. I think the poor ghoul is out for right now, he's been on his knees clutching his stomach for almost fourty minutes now.

I told Papa Primo about Saltarian and everything that happened, and Papa Primo told me to keep it to myself, and that Saltarian is just a little weird. It still scares me- but if Papa Primo says nothing is wrong, then I guess nothings wrong. Since I was by Papa Primo, Swiss and Mountain dissapeared on us. Papa Primo said they probably went by the ghoul den, and when I told him of my punishment, he just laugh and told me I could stay with him until Swiss came back, or he could take me to the ghoul den. However, I only trust Phil(who I really need to check up on), Swiss, and I guess Mountain as well.

It sounds odd that I only trust so few ghouls even though I have this blog and have said I'll talk with the other ghouls and Papa's, but to be honest with you all, the other ghouls arnt exactly very... Friendly. I'm suprised Swiss is super friendly, expecially since I've heard... Things... From other Siblings. I've SEEN things on the other siblings. One of the siblings couldn't walk for a week after having a run in with some of the ghouls, while another had bruises and bite marks all over his body.

I decided to stay with Primo, and honestly, I really like hanging around him. He's like an old grandpa! He talks alot about flowers and flower languages, but I'm fine with him doing so. Maybe if I get good at them I can ask Jacob out I can give the flowers to some of the siblings they've helped raised me while I'm here. I wonder if he could teach me anything else while I'm here- I heard Papa Primo and Secundo were good at getting dates when they were younger. I'd ask Papa Terzo, but Whenever I try I get all flustered and embarrassed and end up running away. Maybe it'll be easier asking Papa Primo?

Also, I hope Swiss comes back soon. The Papa's dont eat when the others eat, for some reason, so Papa Primo isn't hungry, and Lunch is almost here and I am hungry. Swiss, save me!!

[nodeathissuffering]

November 2024

I'm back

Hello. I'm alive. To those who decide to read this all I can say is thank you. It's been a long time since I posted on this site. I intended this account to be used as a Not a Blog, similar to George R. R. Martin's website georgerrmartin.com. One day, I hope to write a book and due to George's, amongst many others, influence I thought it would be best to shadow him a bit. However, I have not posted. Part of this can be because I have not been writing and have shifted my focus onto other things in my life but that isn't entirely true. The truth is that for most of my adulthood I have been struggling to live a life I want to live. I'm a coward and in my cowardice I have long accepted isolation, despair, and fear. Fear of the future, which many have acquired but I have used this as an accelerant to pursue a painless way through life. Even now, I'm forcing myself to write this. This is my third attempt in doing so. In reality, I'm a very quiet and depressed person who has mostly kept to themselves. I was grown to be scared of altercation. Part of this could be a result of my upbringing but I also believe it to be my belief in viewing myself as a bad person. Occasionally, I will practice positive self-talk and remind myself of my humanity but I reiterate that this is only seldom. This year, I've seen myself shift back into a "better" person of who I once was. It's possible that I have suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder in the past though I much rather label it as Avoidant Personality Disorder. I can partly thank my friends as, even though I don't talk to them much nowadays, when I do come around they offer me an ear and assurance. I'm impressed by how much they have grown in my many hiatuses and hearing their stories serve as reminders that we all go through rough patches. Sometimes, depression does win and it is up to us whether we choose to carry that weight. Depression, anxiety, and many other mental deficiencies are some of the things that I will constantly have to contend with. I would like to say that it builds character but I know better. I know the ugly side of these diseases and how they can be used to manipulate and hurt others. Recently, the family that I have strayed away from have reminded me of these truths. Though I do love them and I am thankful for their presence in reminding me of the habits I shouldn't be copying, it also helps me confirm the beauty of my soul. I am far from perfect and my mind is tainted. My heart of gold has tarnished. From those impurities I can only try to be a better person. I have been lackadaisical in this regard. With that being said, here's to building a better version of myself.

What happens next?

One of the things that I have been doing to occupy my time is streaming. Though inconsistent and filled with many holes as a result of my depressive episodes, I have started pursuing one of my passions once more. I have been hoping for this to extend into other projects of mine with this post hopefully showing my proof of improvement. I will definitely make another post when I'm ready to revisit this subject. For now, since I have already revealed that one of my goals is to write a book I will say that I will use this site as a way to practice my writing moving forward. Basically, a public journal but as confidential as possible without exposing too many unwanted details of my life. Don't get me wrong, I am a very open person and I am willing to talk about almost anything in almost any setting but I do have to think of others privacy. I don't want to namedrop people I talk about, places of business, et cetera. Similarly to George R. R. Martin's release schedule, or lack thereof, these posts will probably not be daily and sometimes not even weekly or biweekly. I want to start by posting one writing at least once a month as sort of an update on my life, progress in whatever I'm venturing through at that given point, and the occasional ran-dumb thought. As I am horrible with social media already I can at least announce that one of my goals is to stay on all of my accounts despite my constant bouts of suicidal ideation, attention seeking, or whatever cockamamie excuse I use to disappear. For the most part, I can say that the "attention seeking" aspect of my disappearances are gone as I have been trying to shed those childish and manipulative tendencies. I may promote these accounts one day but I am going to put in some work to earn the trust of my friends and family before doing this first as I owe them that respect. Actions do speak louder than words. I'm not going to plan what I choose to write about as the spontaneity will hopefully spark some of my creative fiction. For those who choose to read one post or several, all I can say is that I hope you enjoy the ride.

End?

I suppose that is all I wish to talk about for now. I'd say about an hours worth of content for those who choose to watch or support me. Thank you for allowing me to ramble off the thoughts of my jumbled mind and as a reminder to myself as well as others remember to enjoi the process and the (r)evolution.

[hiraethprinmec]

Tuesday, January 9th, 2024

I've been having a hard time lately. I feel weak struggling with addiction. waking up late, not doing much of anything. I miss who I used to be loose, creative, financially free. I wonder if I can ever be that way again. I want to be different , I want a spectacular life. I want to be pretty successful, happy. I know mostly what I need to do but I've been just not doing it. I wake up late in the evening in a dirty room, I smoke, eat and play games on a loop. I want to write , paint, meet people. I've just been in a rut, feeling so tired. I want this to be my year. I want to smoke right now, its only been a minute or two since my last puff, its what I do everyday upon waking.

sometimes I wake up and I cant believe this is my life, I sit there and remember who I am and what I do. I wish I could turn back time and do thing differently. knowing what I do now. I kind of like this writing it feels like the piano. maybe this will help me . I want to believe I can be even better than before. I've been fumbling for so long I want to be different, the comfort of hitting a vape and feeling something, relaxing its something I don't want to quit. I'm considered a heavy smoking , that concerns me. when I think of quitting I always think of Sunday playing DnD, I think but "I want to smoke on Sunday" so maybe ill do my best to not smoke as much or at all until Sunday. I sometimes think of getting one of those time sensitive safes, maybe it would work or maybe it'd kill time and sleep till it opened for me.

i know i have a problem, i miss weed, i miss money, i miss feeling on top of the world. i wish i could go back in time. i struggle to do the dishes ,clean my room , brush my teeth, go out. everything feels wrong and undoable. i wish people knew who i was, i wish i could be myself. no one knows of my diagnosis, they would think i was lying and cringe. i would do anything to be normal. i want to be desired, unique. i know i just said i want to be normal and unique. what i mean is the way i am isn't the good kind of unique, i am odd and ugly. i want to be a bit odd and pretty. the kind of girl someone is intrigued by. this is all quite self loathing but i am the only one who will read it . the tip said stream of consciousness and these are my thoughts I try and not think of.

I don't want to smoke that bad when I am writing like this maybe I am smoking so much because my brain is so tangled and I am bored most of the time do to the low energy. i think this is good for me. I'm only 530 words in but this is very insightful. i feel like I'm going to sleep better tonight already.

i get stressed out thinking of tomorrow, I don't want to be on this earth and i think that's the problem. i must do things to maintain myself and I'm not even happy. what a waste i feel. i wish i wrote down what i felt when i was younger maybe i wasn't happy then either.

i want write a story about zombies, they always say be the change you want to see in the world and i want more zombie media. I lack confidence clearly. maybe i will do a meditation after this, some affirmations. I want a good life for myself I just get so overwhelmed. i don't know what I'm going to say to my therapist on Thursday am i going to lie about smoking or tell the truth. its a phone session so i think she will worry about me. id like to think I would have gone in person this week if grandma was in town. i need to learn to drive that is a shame point for me. almost done with the 750 i kind of don't want it to end so that's a good thing. I like this I'm going to do my best to stick with it.

I've been looking at daily routines of people on YouTube, famous people. i am feeling motivated, i feel scared too because what if its gone in the morning. I've gone through so many bouts of depression and relapses that i think I've just resorted to lying down and rotting. i don't want to be that way. in my mind life is a story and that is a sad and boring one.

Michelle my therapist would be happy at my progress today and i am too. i woke up talked to my dad, asked for help which i have a hard time doing and i didn't put it off and script it. i asked as soon as the problem arrived. after that i made my bed , tidied a bit. i cooked cornbread and black-eyed peas, maybe that where I've gotten this luck. i made it the way my grandma does. i need to let people in , i need to ask for help. the people in my life don't know I'm struggling. I'm sure they can sense it, but i put on a front every time and act nonchalant.

inside i am filled to the brim with drama and feeling. i am over the edge with ideas and emotion. there is so much that i want to do and so many things i want to be. i am sick of myself. this year i am going to be different . i want peace, happiness and i sense of belonging in this world. i am going to forge a purpose for myself, things and thoughts to be proud of. these feeling scare me , change has that effect on me. its the autism and trauma. i can doing great things . just because things are hard for me doesn't mean I'm bad at them. i feel bad that things a lot because of how much mental anguish i have , but most things i do , i do well.

I'm proud of myself , I cleaned under my bed and mostly swept my room, made dinner that was healthy. I plan to paint this evening. I'd like to light an incense and a candle.

i only have one pod for the next 5-6 days , that means ive gone through 3 since friday night and its Tuesday night, so i guess around 5 days. these next few days might be rough. my overindulgence and poor planning is going to get the best of me. i feel zapped of motivation when i think about not having much left. im snacking on some BBQ chips, that gives me some dopamine. its 10:18pm right now. i want to paint in a bit i know ill be thinking about my low supply when i do. i like to smoke when i paint. i worked on my DnD character a bit ,not finished but some progress. i got a bit confused and that triggers me to smoke and feel discouraged, a bit dumb.

I don't know what I'm going to paint. I started last night and its just abstract colors. maybe ill paint figures and flowers, I usually do that . ill listen to my new audio book while i do it. she's interesting and strong in mind, just like who id like to be. over all im weary but optimistic about starting this writing habit thing . it makes me feel accomplished and I actually want to do it. i don't want to do anything most days so this feeling is welcome and exciting.

so lets plan my next hour or two, i grab a candle and an incense , come back to my room light it , find some music , some water. ill stand up to paint, keep it abstract and loose. i need to think less paint more, ideas will come to me. i want to smoke i have the urge right now, i want to rip open the package of my last pod and puff puff puff. it really is a addictive chemical, and the choke hold it has me in. its cold tonight 37 degrees outside. my stomach feels weird , I feel a bit anxious. its because I don't have the freedom to hit my juul as I please .I'm rationing now.

I like getting all of my this out of my head. I feel clear, I'm glad I saw this 750 words thing. feels less lonely and like place where i can be me, i don't really know who i am but as i talk more ill be able to see more clearly. the past few months I've just been doing very base level activities , I don't want to just survive i was to thrive, create be someone i am proud of. what to paint something atmospheric, colorful, somber.

im listening to the last of us soundtrack right now and its so peaceful. writing has helped my brain feel clear . everything i think i write, it helps me figure things out. usually i just get overwhelmed and try to distract with games or videos. rather than think i just push every thought and dream away. what are my dreams? i want to be a great painter, a good person. i have regrets. i want to be a painter people admire, i want to be proud and love my work. i want to be able to sustain myself on my art , thrive on it. i want to do interviews and make videos about creating. i want to be happy and free from my vices. i want to live a long life with the people i love. i want to create without needing a substance . i want to be surrounded by my work on every wall. by the end of my life i want hundreds many a thousand paintings. i want long beautiful hair and a bright mind. i want to be kind and empathetic. fun to be around and enriching to talk to. im only 21 i can do these things i just have to change my life and stay true to my dreams. i don't want to old and regret my life.

i need to be conscious, deliberate with my time here. i can do this, i can be who i want to be. i am smart , i am kind, i am beautiful, i am talented, i have a vision. i can do hard things. i lit the candle and the incense, with the intention of trying to get back in touch with my spirituality and being positive. i used to have a lot of faith and i want to again. things will work out for me i just need to work for myself. i deserve happiness and success, love and light. i will succeed this year it will be the best year so far so help me god. I'm going to start looking for signs again, asking for them too. ill pray every night. take care of myself and my surrounding.

im really happy i found writing. when i know what im thinking i can take it seriously, identify what i want and what i dont. Keep my brain and hands occupied. smell is something i dont think of often its important, changes your perspective, adds novelty to your moments, brings me deeper into this life. i need to start engaging all of my senses. smell with incense and candles perfumes. taste is easy, just eating. touching soft clothes, slime, painting. seeing beautiful things, painting again, viewing art, photos ,videos, nature. hearing music, asmr, silence when needed.

2024 words at the beginning of 2024. i like just sitting here writing about nothing, i wonder if its productive. i dont really care, its helping me and i feel nice. i want to keep up with this its cool and it will be interesting to look back on in the future. see everything i was thinking and wishing. let me think goals for this month. make a painting, start to write some of a zombie book, be more active, drink more water. starting medium, may be small for some people but i need to ramp up to doing more ive been sedentary for so long.

this is peaceful i know ive said it alot but i havent felt this way in a long time. like i have a purpose, something i can do, something i want to do. what do i want my paintings to say? I struggle with that alot. my mind is mostly blank thinking about it. i want to incapsulate how i feel, how i see things. how do i feel and how do i see things? otherworldly, out of place, desperate to be free, to be understood, to belong.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

April 1, 2024 pt.2....found this on the wrong account

Today was weird. It went by quickly but it felt off.

I told another person at work what I know and I feel like shit about it.

Feel like I can't do anything right at home or at work.

Tried to help my parents book their trip and save money, turns out there were things with the booking that weren't listed like bags and airport transfers. My mom said she doesn't want to take a taxi alone with my dad. We have to call the hotel to arrange the pickup but of course, they aren't answering right now so Cassandra has to do it tomorrow, but my mom is getting mad that we should have just booked it through the flight website which was 400 more. She doesn't want to put in the work to figure anything out. Even though other people are doing it for her.

I am really stressed that my period is over a week late.

I cried over a riceball today. My dad said he was going to save me one. I had some leftovers before I left for my facial (I didn't see the other food). I got home and I noticed the table was set but didn't ask. My mom didn't tell me there was other food. She pulls it out for my sisters BF and he takes the rice ball that is left and I asked if she saved me any and she said no. Then I felt bad that I took it from him, so I tried to talk to her about it and she goes "you should have just gave it to him". Which made me feel worse. Then she started yelling at me for crying. I am aware I am over-emotional, but would it hurt her to support me in any way.

I don't know why I have been thinking a lot about my sister and her best friend who haven't been talking. I feel bad that my sister doesn't have her friend and I want to try and help, but I don't know how. I miss having her around too. She told my sister she needs space, and my sister has given it to her. I know my sister isn't innocent and hadn't been a great friend, but I also know that there was negative influences that made the friend think worse things. I miss her being around too. I have been thinking a lot about covid and how those days looked.

I am thinking a lot about my career and how I see my future. I've been thinking a lot about my relationship and I et scared sometimes that B is going to leave me for some stupid reason, I know he's not like the rest, but there's a piece of my trauma, past that can't help but to be scared. I love his family and spending time with them. I love how they just take me in and make me feel at home.

I don't like that I come home and that I don't feel like I am at home.

Everything is very complicated.

Blaze

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