#don't get me wrong i am Very Scared about 2024

[qqueenofhades]

Just Cali Voter Things: Panicking bc you thought you were supposed to have a mail in ballot for today, wondering where you'll vote in person...only to realize with relief you read the website too fast and the next election for your area is 2024.

For everyone else, go fight and win! Whip up a Blue Tsunami that leaves no red stains behind!

Aha, indeed. I voted by mail a couple weeks ago for 2 (two) school board races and a couple of statewide ballot measures, which may seem like small potatoes but are, yknow, directly relevant to where I live, the amount of tax money I will get next year, and so forth. EVERY ELECTION, EVERY TIME.

I likewise just made a post about it, but if they are in fact calling KY for Beshear with improved margins from last time (2019), then abortion rights will probably pass in Ohio and Virginia can be kept safe from Youngkin. Or so we fucking hope. If we can get some actual hard data, maybe the idiots flooding the zone with garbage polls that show Trump pulling 22% of Black voters and Biden only ahead of Trump by one point with voters under 30 (all together now: LOLOLOLOLOL), can shut up or at least not get constant breathless media attention for a bit. Plus I am old enough to remember how the narrative in 2011 was all how Obama was going to get crushed by a generic Republican (oh Mittens, how we long for the days when we thought YOU were the worst the GOP could do). Then he won handily with 332 electoral votes. It's almost like the media has a vested interest in running a Horse Race narrative and beating down the Democratic candidate every time. Weird.

[dr-spectre]

WE DID IT!!!!!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!!!!! This is such a big milestone. Halfway until 1000 followers... that's absolutely insane!!

This will be the last follower update until we reach 1000. But, I wanna share something special with you all and get rather personal...

So, about a year ago, I wanted to learn how to draw because I was feeling depressed about "not being productive enough." Basically I got sucked into the bullshit productivity self help stuff that wants to turn your life into a cold calculated work obsessed nightmare, rather than living in the moment due to fear mongering about the future and how "if you don't grind now you WILL be a failure and die alone and get no pussy." (No wonder I picked Team Present for the Grand Fest...)

Plus I dropped out of uni at the time and welp, to put it lightly, I was feeling fucking god awful and I was scared into basically "putting in the hard work" by all these self help channels and other bullshit online. Whatever the FUCK that vague shit means, my autistic brain still doesn't get it.

It was BY FAR the worst period of my life, but, at least I tried to do SOMETHING. And I wanna show you all some of the things that I drew last year....

This was between October 2023 to February 2024. I stopped drawing due to it causing me much frustration and anger.

So yeah! Uh... enjoy?

So.... not the best work you've seen, right? HAHAHAHAHA!

Would you freak out if I told you that I got upset and damaged a book and a fan because I got so mad at myself over not being able to draw or do anything right?...

I feel like this ain't for me, and you know what? That's okay! I've learnt that it's okay to try new things, it's okay to experiment and if shit doesn't work then it doesn't work. Plain and simple. It's perfectly fine to give up and try something else.

You are not a robot, you are a human being. Don't feel like you "gotta do something everyday otherwise you'll die alone and you'll be broke and you'll never be successful and you'll be forgotten!!"

Do feel pressured to feel like you have to "find your thing" or "be productive" or whatever kind of... heh.... BRAINWASHING you hear online.

I wanted to draw because I was jealous of others, including my friends who are skilled artists... and I did it for the wrong reasons which is why I stopped in February.

I am very happy that I've decided to actually focus on what i like doing and what gives me energy. A quote that has stuck with me for years now is a quote by Jordan Peele from an interview, and it's basically this-

"Follow the fun." And you know what? He's right. Following what gives you that good good boost of dopamine while also feeling like you're accomplishing something is one of the best feelings EVER!!!! Whether it's art, writing, modelling, sculpting, architecture, making music, acting, clay sculptures, etc. FOLLOW THE FUN!! FOLLOW THE SHIT THAT EXCITES YOU!!! I literally always have multiple projects spiralling around in my head all the time and cycling between them at every given moment.

I'm not even saying do only what makes you comfortable or be lazy either, do shit that makes you go "BRING IT ON!!!! I WANNA DO THIS!!!" Get that blood pumping!!! Challenge yourself fairly!!!! There's healthy and unhealthy stress. Healthy stress should make you feel like a fucking PREDATOR!!! AN ANIMAL ON THE HUNT!!! While unhealthy stress makes you feels like you're the prey, the one who's being chased by an unknown force that's out to get you!!

I feel like I'm kinda rambling... anyways!!! ENOUGH WITH THE INSPIRATIONAL BULLSHIT!!! THANK YOU ALL!!!!!! 99% of you have been awesome and incredible!!!

It's also been an honor to get to know so many people who feel the same way as I do about a certain squid lady and her best friends.... before I went onto tumblr I genuinely felt so alone and so insane. I felt isolated, I felt like no one saw these characters the way that I do... I thought my perspective of a certain squid lady and her rebel phase was invalided and false... But now I know that I have people who have my back and understand what I'm trying to express...

One final time, thank you. I'll keep going.

STAY FRESH!!!!!!!!!!

[utilitycaster]

Hi there! Do you think the Bells - and in particular Ashton's focus and indist a bit too hard on the fact that Aeor orb vision will completely change people's perceptions of gods? I tend to think that lot of people who somewhat know history are aware of the fact that Primes and Betrayers joined hands to destroy the city. As for common folk - it would be at also hard to believe that for example they would completely denounce Wildmother who is nature (all good and all bad. Bad as in destructive). I can imagine some folks reaction to this would be to feel scared, but then again. Those are Gods we speak about, not your friendly neighbors. What do you think?

So here's the thing: I've felt some of the depictions of what the average person knows this campaign have been...inconsistent isn't the right word, because, for example, the norm in the Menagerie Coast might not be the norm in Gelvaan and certainly isn't the norm in central Issylra, but also the party not recognizing the symbol of Asmodeus (for example) is something that's always struck me as like. people in the United States not knowing what a crucifix is. Like yeah those people exist - I've met very religious Jews in the US who don't know what day Christmas is other than "generally in late December" - but either we never met many of those people in Campaigns 1 and 2 and met them all in Campaign 3, or there's been some retconning (which...that's a complex discussion as to canonicity between campaigns, since the answer is, ultimately, it depends on the specifics and the magnitude and the source of that information, ie, if High Bearer Vord's creation myth is wrong that's valid because he's providing a specific perspective with plenty of bias, or if orcs were NOT created during the Calamity that's valid because unfortunately myths born of stereotype and bigotry are extremely common; but if Matt's drastically changing previously established truths of the world without in-world explanation, rather than just quietly dropping no longer relevant references as one-offs a la Ladueger, yeah that is bad storytelling and anyone who tells you it isn't is an idiot).

But actually that doesn't matter because here's just a truth about people: a whole lot of people in, for example, the United States in 2024, where 95% of adults have regular internet access, are fairly uninvested in much outside their basic day to day life, just, in general. This is going to be even more true in a world without that degree of information and interconnectedness. I think a lot of people are going to be like "ok and this thousand year old city being destroyed affects me how?" Not to get too cynical about it but think about someone whose experience with the gods is rather like what Laudna describes her youth as being: harvest festivals and wishing for rain. Like, if it's a good harvest this year, will they care?

I don't personally agree with this mentality irl, but groups of people on the whole are frequently resistant to change, do not want trouble, and want to be left alone. I think no shortage of people's attitudes will simply be "why is this motherfucker downloading the Downfall of Aeor Album to everyone's iPod when I am trying to eat breakfast." It won't even get to the point of "are the gods good or bad"; it will literally just be "who the fuck is broadcasting something? the MOON is fucked up? we have real problems?" Like, if people do not know the story of the fall of Aeor, someone being like HEY THE GODS CRASHED THIS CITY BECAUSE THEY HAD MADE A GOD-KILLING WEAPON is probably going to elicit a response of, again, "and I should care about this because? a fucking phoenix is strafing us, why are you doing a test of the emergency broadcast system?"

[crownmemes]

Doctor Who (S14) Sentences

(Sentences from Doctor Who (S14, 2024). Adjust phrasing where needed)

"I am so, so glad to be alive!"

"There's no such thing as monsters - there's just creatures you haven't met yet."

"When was the last time that you had a hug?"

"Look at me; nobody grows up wrong."

"This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone! Don't laugh!"

"One trick, once; that's all you get with the gods."

"The power of these creatures is so vast, the whole world could slide into the pit."

"Sometimes genius is just hard work."

"Do this for me and I'll let you see my tattoo! It's not on general view, which makes it more exciting!"

"You should be nice to him - he likes you!"

"Everything's fine! Completely fine!"

"Why are you singing?"

"Tell me what you're not telling me."

"Okay, are you getting scared? Because you're just babbling now!"

"You're giving me orders now?"

"Quite frankly, your lifespan sucks!"

"We're all dead eventually. There's hardly any time that we're not dead!"

"We have telepathic dampeners, mesmeric shielding, and necklaces of silver and salt in case of witchcraft."

"It's just, sometimes I get the impression that you're not really listening - that you're drifting off, thinking of something else."

"Even in bed, it's like you're always a distance away."

"Are you saying that you actually want to fire a nuclear missile?"

"I know I probably shouldn't say this, but I look so cute!"

"Remind me, to which dishonouring are you referring?"

"I'm awfully bored of your shouting."

"If you wish to challenge me to a duel, then please - do! Then I can shoot you dead!"

"Wow! You really are wonderfully bad, aren't you?"

"Well, I thought I knew everyone at my ball, but it appears not!"

"I think the real estimation of an evening is the matches made, don't you think?"

"Brooding. Good look. Do you practice in the mirror?"

"People look to me as an arbiter of taste!"

"I think of you every waking hour, and I hate myself for it."

"I will not marry you. Not now, not ever."

"Do you never stop chattering?"

"No one walks away from a situation with one less shoe. You'd notice."

"You're a bounty hunter? That is so cool."

"Suits you, flustered. It's a good look."

"I don't see how us dancing would create a scene."

"This is the wrong time to be strong and silent and so... Attractive."

"I've decided that it's about time I cause some trouble for myself!"

"He looks like he's been dead for a hundred years."

"This feeling that you're feeling right now is doubt, and don't you feel so alive?"

"I suppose you do have a very nice face."

"You have lived for far too long."

"We fought a monster, and now I must become a monster."

"Will I ever see you again?"

[frau-wilhelm-klink]

A list of unexpected bingo card events I didn't expect to happen in 2024, but occurred anyway.

(Yes, it's a bit sappy and no, I don't care.)

Befriending two new fellow Menaces™️ who not only put up with my nonsense, but are 99% on my wavelength. (Y'all know who you are.) That 1% is the things we don't necessarily agree upon/share the same interest in...but 99% is still good! Now I have a total of three, and I think that's great🥰

Several highly entertaining Discord video calls that went on for hours! Seriously, only reason we had to end them was because they had to go to bed🤣 I am, however, a certified Yapper™️ just like my bestie, so that's no surprise. It's difficult to shut me up once I really get going.

Having another Discord video call, where one of my talented artist friends sacrificed a bit of his time to play interpreter so our moms could talk. (Which is a good thing, since neither of them speak the other one's language.) Trying to arrange that one with the massive time zone difference between us was interesting, but we pulled it off...and I managed not to mangle his language too badly in the process😅 I count that as a win.

Finding new people (aside from said Menaces) on Discord to share my crackhead energy with! Sometimes, I legit have no idea what the hell is even going on when I pop in there, but I just go with it.

Discovering my new favorite crackship of StettiHo. Don't get me wrong, Klogan is and always will be my OTP for the HH fandom. That's never gonna change; my colonels are too perfect together. But this crackship, man...I can't even explain it. Major Hochstetter - aka Stetti bc he's an angry lil' smol bean - literally just stomped in unannounced and announced he's decided he wants Hogan😂 (Which I can completely understand, 'cause that man is a walking thirst trap.) I was just over here like, "Oh, so you finally decided you want Hogan in more ways than one? Good to know." So that's now a thing, I guess. Pretty sure this fic by a lovely fellow Klogan writer of ✨️Quality Literature✨️ had a lot to do with forming my newest obsession. Of course, @fireinthefireproofvault didn't help either! *affectionately shakes fist*

Beginning the process of planning several IRL visits with all three of my fellow Menaces. Now, will they happen in 2025? Short of receiving an unexpected windfall of money, no. I was the sole carrier of Christmas for my family in 2024, so it's gonna take me at least a year to pay all that off. Plus, my house is still under construction anyways. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed for them to happen in 2026!

Somehow managing to be a hot mess for the entire month of December. Considering I live in a very cold, arctic climate, that should've been physically impossible😅 Pretty sure it was due to the madness and stress of the holidays. It's all good, tho - things are slowly getting back on track.

Coming up with the term 'Idea Maker™️' as a euphemism for dicks. Why? Well, because every time one of the aforementioned Menaces gets some, she comes up with great plots for fics🤣 I don't know if that's just a coincidence or what, but it is what it is.

Corrupting...uh, I mean, inspiring my fellow Menaces (including @whatisthismandoinghere) to begin writing down their own little s/i stories they have. I'm oddly touched about this one, tbh. I've never really thought of myself as an inspiration to anybody, so having that happen really gets me a little choked up. And they've been doing me the honor of sharing said stories with me! That's just...I...🥺 (Look, I know this is a stupid thing to get a little emotional about, but I am. Don't judge me.) I really enjoy reading them, watching their worlds come to life. Can't wait to dive back into a certain one that's apparently at 135 pages now once I get a chance. I'm just over here thinking to myself, "Is that supposed to deter me or hype me up? Because it's doing the second one."😂 I'm an avid reader; telling me something is long ain't the way to scare me off!

Being pleasantly surprised to discover I'm not the only one of my friends who has Horny Brain™️ pop up out of nowhere at the worst possible time. I may be a smut writer for the most part, but it's very frustrating to have that happen when I'm legitimately trying to write a different genre of fic.

Learning some of my friends also have an internal musical jukebox that just randomly kicks on whenever it wants. What's it playing? Hell if I know🤣 That fucker is stuck on shuffle, and I've got no way to change it. From what I understand, they're in the same boat as I am with that.

Finding one new ✨️Quality Literature✨️ Klogan writer who's on same freak-quency as in most aspects (deviants unite🤝🏻) and another one who may or may not be. They haven't written enough smut yet for me to really tell. Now I have three: @did-you-expect-this, @anna-pineappel & @someguywriting.

This fic! It's such a nice blend of goofy, silly, a tiny bit angsty and hot. Also this fic and this one. I absolutely love the dynamic, banter - and of course, smut - in all of these.

The existence of this series and this series, both of which have me going feral in the best way.

Having one of my stories be an inspiration for somebody else's work💜 Let me tell you, the scream I scrumpt when I saw that notification was unlike any sound I've ever made before.

I could go on, but I think that's enough for one post. Ily all so much, fellow Menaces! You bring me lots of joy and laughter. (I hope I do the same for you at times too; otherwise, I've failed😂) Looking forward to 2025, which hopefully will bring even more good things.

[giuseppe-yuki]

I AM BACK and kinda sleepy, HELLO NEIGHBOR (our countries are near each other!!)

I imagine that one of the driver gfs has a scary job, but i don't know which. They scare their bf every time and they are like: well this is what u make me feel like!! while kicking their legs happily

- 🐺 anon

HI HI :)

that’s so cool we are neighbors!!!! it really is a small world, even on tumblr, huh?

-

certainly! when you said scary, i perceived it as potentially dangerous in certain situations.

i first thought of a firefighter as big possibility. like max somehow just finding out his gf is a firefighter??? not only that, an actual fire chief??? he probably does so in a stupid way too, like he’s reheating a kabob at home, and it all goes horribly wrong and his kabob catches on fire. while he’s going batshit insane, trying to blow out the flaming object in front of him (“gahhhh!!!! my kabob!!! what do i do? what do i do?”) his gf just rolls her eyes, shoves the pantry door open, and pulls out the fire extinguisher, pulls out the safety pin with her teeth, and expertly diffuses the situation with a simple spray of the nozzle (“wow, max, i’m glad we didn’t overreact and stayed completely calm over the small kitchen fire!”) after max gets over the fact that he certainly will not be eating his kabob anytime soon, he def questions his girlfriend how she knew what to do. she gives him a weird look (“max…i’m…. a fire chief..?”). he responds in a calm manner (“WHAT? but that’s so dangerous! you have to be careful, okay??”). she, of course gives him a good talking to regarding the comparison of danger levels of their respective jobs.

another possibility- fighter jet pilot!!! hell yeah 👍

let’s say, yuki’s gf maybe? i would think that in this universe where she is a pilot, she doesn’t act at all like a typical fighter jet pilot’s personality would be. like she’d be super shy and timid, always hiding behind yuki in the paddock and flitting away from reporters. all yuki knows is that her job is very time consuming like his own, and that she sometimes disappears for a few weeks for something “job related” that she calls “missions.” yuki thinks nothing of his gf’s job shenanigans, cause hey, how can he when he does the exact same thing, heading to what seems the 20th triple header in the 2024 season. it’s only when his gf invites him to a work thing to see something “kind of interesting,” does he actually realize… wait maybe she wasn’t kidding about the “missions.” why is her workplace in the middle of a desert…. why is there like three highly armed security guards that just waved the both of them through a barbed wire gate…why is she walking into this giant ass aeroplane hangar…why is she pulling on a helmet….why is she getting into that jet? she’s prob there just for a test run of the jet, so does a few loop d loops or whatever you do with a fighter jet to test it, effectively scaring the shit out of her poor boyfriend, who cringes every time the jet takes a nosedive dangerously close to the ground. he’s still kind of in shock, even later that night back at his house. she’ll be quietly reading her book on the bed that they share and he’s all like, “disregarding the whole part where you are literally a fighter jet pilot, it’s actually v scary when you do those nosedives and flips in the air while going a billion km/h. my heart literally can’t stand that :( if i see that again i might pass out from a heart attack.” she just laughs. “i know exactly how you feel baby- that’s what i feel when you’re speeding down the straights in that little matchbox car of yours.”

[cultivating-wildflowers]

2024 Reading - September

Another productive month. Which I know would rub some readers the wrong way, and sometimes that mindset isn't great for me either, but as a girlie who likes her lists? I'm happy getting to check off stuff.

The biggest accomplishment this month was FINALLY finishing The Disorderly Knights. It took me so long that by the end of the story, I'd already forgotten what happened at the beginning. But it's done, and I have the next book on my shelf. For next year. Maybe.

Total books: 10  |  New reads: 9  |   2024 TBR completed: 2 (1 DNF) / 29/36 total   |   2024 Reading Goal: 63/100

August | October

potential reading list from September 1st

#1 - The Boys in the Boat: Nine Americans and Their Epic Quest for Gold at the 1936 Berlin Olympics by Daniel James Brown - 5/5 stars

After hearing people rave about the movie and then the book, I snagged a cheap copy from my local used bookstore and decided to check it out.

It was so so worth it. Absolutely breathtaking. All of the assorted narratives--the different characters, the historical background, the technical details--came together so perfectly and resulted in a captivating story. I love every bit of it. I cried.

#2 - In the Forests of Serre by Patricia A. McKillip - 5/5 stars ('24 TBR)

This is exactly the sort of story I was craving. Absolutely spellbinding.

More like this: I had the sense this story reminded me of something else I've read, but I'm blanking on it just now. If I remember, I'll come back here. It might have been a fairy tale kind of story. It's a bit like the first Earthsea book. Perhaps Robin McKinley, Patricia C. Wrede, Madeleine L'Engel, Shannon Hale.... Diana Wynne Jones. It feels like a Ghibli movie.

#3 - The Unselected Journals of Emma M. Lion, Vol 2 by Beth Brower - 4/5 stars

A fun installment! I am quickly losing track of the cast, but I can totally see the author's vision of this being a delightful period drama.

#4 - The Disorderly Knights by Dorothy Dunnett - 4/5 stars

Note to anyone I've recommended this series to: I unfortunately have to retract that hearty recommendation and replace it with...several caveats.

I finished! Honestly, I don't know why it took so long, because once I made myself sit still and read it was easy-ish going; I just had trouble sitting still.

Ok, so "easy" is not the right word. With this series, the first half of each book tends to be a slow build-up, while the end careens rapidly downhill to the conclusion and the ever-brilliant (and painful) reveal.

And, uh.... This got much darker and more intense than I was prepared for. (If I made a habit of reading more in this line, I might have seen that coming, but epics aren't my usual fare.) Narratively, it all worked very well, but it was right on the edge of what I can tolerate.

Still, with 200 pages left to go, I absolutely planned to keep reading the series, well aware that it would be...an experience. Then I saw a blurb for both Book Four and Book Five, skimmed some super vague reviews for Book Four ("Five Stars. owowowowowowowowowowww") and freaked out. And, against all my usual inclinations, hunted for spoilers. And now I'm scared. (But, weirdly, less stressed about the conclusion? Which is an odd experience.)

#5 - Od Magic by Patricia A. McKillip - 3/5 stars (audio)

This confirms my suspicion that McKillip is one of those hit-or-miss authors for me. The first book of hers that I read was The Changeling Sea, six years ago, and I remember absolutely nothing about it. Then In the Forests of Serre blew me away. Od Magic? Another middling story.

Don't get me wrong; McKillip's writing is gorgeous. It immediately draws you in, connects you to living, breathing characters, and paints the most vivid pictures. But the story here just kind of...wanders along. It's a pleasant journey, but not very exciting.

Note: I didn't dive into "Od Magic" because of how much I loved "In the Forests of Serre". I needed an "O" title, and realized McKillip had a few. 😅

#6 - Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones - 5/5 stars (reread, audio)

We all know I love this. 'Nuff said.

#7 - Yours From the Tower by Sally Nicholls - 4/5 stars

Another Tumblr rec! And a read that had the unfortunate pressure of me getting to it on the heels of 1) a so-so fantasy and 2) a historical fiction adventure that wrung me out. I did my best not to go into it with any expectations outside of being pleasantly charmed, and charmed I was. 90% of it was a fun, light read with just a touch of drama, but my stars, the end had me rolling. There's something so fun about epistolary novels when it comes to twists and big reveals.

#8 - Thornhedge by T. Kingfisher - 5/5 stars (audio)

A gorgeous little story.

#9 - Bryony and Roses by T. Kingfisher - 4/5 stars (audio)

Largely enjoyable, but the ending felt rushed.

#10 - The Ladies of Grace Adieu and Other Stories by Susanna Clarke - 4/5 stars

An impulse pick from the library. I wanted something short and sweet and discovered this after finishing Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell. As is becoming a habit with Clarke's writing, I enjoyed this book. I loved the variety of styles and tones within the collection.

DNF*

The Element of Fire by Martha Wells - Not a bad story, but by the 15% mark I remained bored and vaguely confused and unable to pay attention, so I gave up. I like Wells's writing style (obviously), but this was evidently her debut and is a bit dull around the edges. For some reason it reminded me vaguely of The Curse of Chalion, which I love, so might be worth checking out if you enjoy Lois McMaster Bujold. Goodreads also shows that fans of T. Kingfisher might enjoy this one as well. (Note: Paladin's Grace [below] also had the same general feel as The Element of Fire and The Curse of Chalion)

The Anthropology of Turquoise: Reflections on Desert, Sea, Stone, and Sky by Ellen Meloy ('24 TBR) - I was hoping for a more scientific exploration of color. Instead, this book is a collection of (in my and my friends' opinions) weirdly stuffy, stilted essays. I don't usually mind slow, descriptive/lyrical writing, but this is something else. If you don't mind a deeply personal and conversational writing style and a book you can sit with for several months, definitely check this one out, because it has merit; it's just not for me.

Zao's Tales by J.A. Sommer - I'm still vaguely unclear on how this book arrived on my shelf (it was a gift from my mother and she bought it to support someone?). Decidedly not for me. Also...now I don't have a "Z" title for my alphabet challenge lol.

just kidding, I found another one that was kind of on my radar and ordered it from the library, whoo

Paladin's Grace by T. Kingfisher - I'm learning that Kingfisher really straddles the line on what I'm willing to tolerate content-wise. This one was a "no" based on that.

The Sea at the End of Everything by Emily McCosh - The writing style was not for me. Sorry, Ruby.

*I'm starting to wonder if I should bother recording books I DNF.... They make up fully a third of the books I've picked up this year.

Currently Reading:

The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead by Max Brooks - just started

[molsno]

yknow, this past week has been a really hard and terrifying one after finding out I'm being laid off and having no details beyond that. combine that with a few other things and I've been extremely stressed and scared.

I haven't really done this in a long time, but it's making me think about the past year. 2023 has undoubtedly been the worst year of my life. in january I was a pathetic shut-in living in my mom's house who was too scared to even think about existing in society, so being told I had to move across the country alone for work was my worst nightmare. I had literally never done anything like that before - I'd never even had a real full time job before that. I couldn't stop breaking down and crying to everyone who would listen.

as soon as I left the airport after arriving here though I started to feel different. I felt like maybe I could do this after all. and I did! being forced to do things on my own with nobody to bail me out if I failed made me really take responsibility for myself! I started to feel like an adult for the first time! sure, I made some bad financial decisions due to my lack of experience, but I was able to make everything work out and acquire some stability.

it's kind of strange too how I mostly started off feeling very isolated and alienated even from my friends. sure, I had two girlfriends, and I had a few friends that I was pretty close with, but I was still very much fueled by my anxiety and trauma with regards to friendships. but over time I started to make new friends - in person even! and yes, I'm still just as awkward as ever, but I've had some really great times with them. I've even started to repair the bridge between my longtime friends and be more honest and trusting with them. I even rounded out the year with another girlfriend, much to my own surprise.

don't get me wrong, the trauma I've sustained this year has blown everything else in my past out of the water. but I've grown so much and it's really astounding when I think about how different I am now compared to how I was at the beginning of this year.

2023 was unbelievably difficult, but throughout it all, I've grown a lot, and I'm really happy about that. it wouldn't have been possible without all the people supporting me, of course, and I'm really grateful to everyone who's been a part of my life this year. I've been extremely scared and stressed about 2024. big changes are coming, and I'm almost certainly off to a terrible start. but unlike earlier this year, I feel like I'll be able to get through it. and if all goes well, I'll be much, MUCH better off this at time next year.

[araminthe]

Tuesday, 6th of August / Mardi 6 août 2024

Yesterday, I forgot to write about my day so I'm doing it now.

So, since I was working until late, (because I'm always more focused at night), I slept late, so I woke up at 11 something and was still so damn tired.

That day, I was supposed to go karting because I had 12 tickets from a year ago that were expired very soon (it would have been more than a 100€ wasted)

So I had to vacuum the house before going out, it made me sweat like crazy and I ran out of deodorant and I don't even have time for a quick shower before going out, so I'm scared of smelling very bad, plus I'm tired so it very much makes me angry (but I think it was more stress than something else, since I was supposed to also organise it so I go with my cousins, but social pressure makes me ughhhhh)

Anyway, my cousins in the end were busy so they were not coming, at least I have this pressure off my shoulders. I dont know why but having to organise something with so many people put so much pressure on me.

So it was just me and my 4 sibling (yes you heard that right, and yes I am actually the oldest sibling, help). And my mother.

Glad she also came, I could not for the life of me keep all those dangerous sibling under control without going crazy.

At least, I have a brother my age, but the 3 left are young children.

So anyway, we go and have to walk a lot because for an unknown reason the bus doesnt go until the karting place.

We arrive, we share the tickets, there are 6 tickets for children so they take 2 each.

And 6 for adults so we take 3 each me and my bro.

It was fun. I rode the kart like crazy, it was on concrete, outside, so it equals mode adrenaline. There were lots of turns/curves and the goal was to do a lap as quickly as possible.

Each time I rode, I was getting used to the kart so I was going faster. I once tried to see how fast I could go during a turn but I messed up and when I was turning, I got straight into the foam barriers at my right. The hit was so powerful I moved the barriers, I hoped no one payed attention because I felt like a guilty bisch.(You know this feeling when you're a child and you feel like you're going to get grounded bcs you messed up and you feel very guilty? It's a feeling that stayed, I'm scared of autority, or people coming and telling me I did bad ಥ_ಥ )

Anyway, I made sure to quickly move on and not overthink. Another time, it was at the start of the 2nd race, I did not expect the kart to turn this easily, so by turning right I did a 180° turn, I was turned on the opposite direction of the race, so I quickly turned, got back on track and carried on.

Then, during the 3rd race, I made my worst mistake. So a bit of context; There was a girl (prob around 20y old) during the race she was going very slowly meanwhile everyone else was fast, it's not a problem, maybe she's scared or it's her first time, it happens, she has her reasons.

But, I once happened to be riding near my brother, so I started I to race him to go past him and win, but it was right when we were approaching to where the girl was. Just so you know, the road is broad enough for 2 karts to pass, not 3, and even for two you have to be careful. So my brother sees her in front and starts to slow, but I don't, I'm behind my brother, their cars are next to one another, I don't have enough time to slow down so I just completely ran into them.

I so powerfully hit my brother who in turn hit the girl. I swear I'm sorry and did not do that in purpose. My kart kept going but it made my brother's kart do a 180° turn, same for the girl.

So I slow down again, look behind, their cars are turned the wrong direction, I thought for a second I saw smoke for my bro's kart, (fortunately it was gravel that had been kicked up by the wheels). So they just go back on track and I hope the girl's not traumatized by the impact or the hit. I would have apoligized, but the thing is, when you're riding you can't talk or be heard because you're wearing a hood, and on top of that a thick helmet.

So I just resumed my ride, and at the end of it, as soon as my brother and I get out of the cart we have to go home, (my dad had to take my bro to an appointment, so my dad told us to come quickly and drove us away).

I'm sorry for the girl, my brother said, since he was right next to the girl, he for a sec thought I had broke her neck or something 💀💀.

He's probably exagerating to mess with me, but nah I feel sorry. My bad.

If girl you ever happen to have gone karting Tuesday 6, and ever happen to read that, know that I'm sorry. I hope you're alright.

So after that, I go home at 7pm

Had to do a few things (again...please let me rest). I was sooo tired, the whole day I didn't even have the energy to talk or be excited for the karting, yeah it was fun, but only in my head because I was physically exhausted, I had also eaten only a little so imagine my exhaustion.

WHEN I FINALLY GOT TO RETIRE FROM MY FAMILY, it was 10.30pm, and didn't even make my bed or put on pj's, I just took my pillow and blanket and slept on top of all the things on my bed.

At night, I woke up at 1am and had a hard time going back to sleep. Y'know what's strange? Usually, I am a big sleeper, I always fall asleep super fast and I don't wake up at all at night, but lately I have been having a hard time with waking up at night and not being able to go back to sleep. Why could that be? Am I becoming kinda insomniac, or is my sleep schedule just really messed up?

Well, in conclusion I had a really fun day, 2nd time of my life I go karting, but the only downside was my anxiousness and tiredness. My lil'siblings also rode with children like themselves, (for children they have slower karts), it was the first time for the youngest, so they were all happy and ultra hyped up. (That's a W for oldest daughter, I'm glad I could make them happy).

Another funny thing, during the ride, to go and come back from the karting, I was revising the "code de la route", in english I think it's the highway code or smthg like that. Before learning to ride, you first have to pass this exam. And here I am, causing accident on the road (at least it was with a kart and not a car, obviously I will not ride like that with a car, I don't have homicide on my mind).

So welp, at least I'm not scared of going fast (not sure if this experience is relevant for riding a true car, but it's better than nothing? )

╮(￣ω￣;)╭

(I know no one reads what I write and that no one will read all that, but personally I love listening to others life and experiences, so maybe if I keep doing that I will find people like me, and also, I just need someone to tell about my life without feeling like I'm throwing all my life on them.)

Bye, à plus amis invisibles.

[spurgie-cousin]

So I won't be voting for biden in November. I'm trans and live in a red state. I very familiar with the harm a trump presidency will do both to the country and me personally. I think most people refusing to vote for biden are aware of what trump will do.

But the democrats have presented this same choice in every election I've ever had the opportunity to vote in. And every time I gritted my teeth and voted for them because of supposed harm reduction they failed to protect my rights. And then only moved the party further to the right in the next election.

The genocide in gaza is just a breaking point for many of us after years of failure and broken promises by the democratic party. The harm against my community has continued under bidens presidency and he has made his priorities funding genocide and dragging us into another pointless war. Why would I continue to support him? The hopelessness you see voting 3rd party is how we see voting for biden.

I don't necessarily think a 3rd party candidate will win in 2024. But the democrats have destroyed any hope I once had in them. I have to try something different. And withdrawing support from the democrats is the only thing I can think to do.

Yea I don't think you're wrong at all, I'm exhausted with the Democrats and really, really don't want to vote for Joe Biden. I also live in a red state, in a super rural area that I know for a fact will go Trump during the election.

It's not that I see voting for a third party candidate as useless, I just wish there was a candidate we could all rally behind that would even have somewhat of a fair shot against the two party system. I feel like there's enough anger that we could get there but it doesn't seem like anyone can agree (or maybe they do and I'm just uninformed) even just to take enough of the votes away from the Dems that it would scare them into changing. but as we've seen in past elections, that would need to be a massive chunk and for this election it feels like the left is so unorganized that they're not going to get the message through.

Which is not me telling anyone they should vote, obviously it's a losing game all around. Reading Trump's plan just really, really scared me if I'm being honest, it seems that attacking the rights of everyone except white male gun owners is the main goal of his entire campaign. And I honestly am worried that he'll double down on supporting Israel, which is not to say Biden isn't towing that line, but the conservatives I live around are SO pro-Israel and Trump will do anything to get approval from his base. And after Roe v Wade I totally believe Trump has enough support in government to come through on some of these promises he's talking about.

Idk the right thing to do if there is one, I'm mostly just scared.

[fairy25]

I'm not joking how am I supposed to continue living as a woman who has suffered serious trauma? I dont know what to do anymore.

I do not want to live (not a threat, just a fact. I am not in danger.) I don't know how I can go about my life when I am scared of men. Half of the people on the planet. I have been jobless for 3 years living with parents because I'm scared to be trapped in a confined space with male strangers again. In my last job, I was sexually harassed, touched, stared at, grabbed, threatened, and followed by male coworkers. It was a minimum wage BAKERY job. You'd think that would be an innocent place to work. I wore a hairnet, had hairy legs, and talked about my boyfriend at the time. and I still got harassed and they wouldn't stop even when i would talk to HR. When I told my ex-boyfriend I was raped he said I deserved it. I'm thinking maybe it's me who is wrong and maybe I just should somehow turn off my brain and let it all happen since I feel like I'm screaming and nobody even notices???

I genuinely don't want to live in the world anymore I'm just tired I wish I was a little girl again and I just want to play with my toys but i can't because im trapped in a 26 year old woman.

Sorry for ranting on christmas. I'm just having a bad day. I hope you had a good Christmas.

baby i would seriously recommend you find a female trauma therapist you feel comfortable with and commit to therapy once a week for at least a year. i would also recommend talking to a psychiatrist or even your primary care doctor if you feel comfortable to discuss getting on some anti-anxiety medication. i personally take propranolol & mirtazapine for anxiety (and migraines).

i know it feels endless right now (i have been there and i’m so so sorry you’re stuck in this dark place rn) but it is possible for things to get better, and for you to lead a “normal” life. i am rooting for you and i want to say your feelings are completely valid. i’m so sorry this is the state of the world. i’m so sorry that you’re unable to ignore the fear you feel, which is very real and very challenging to overcome. but you can overcome it. that doesn’t mean you have to be around men—i work fully remotely and the only men i talk to regularly are gay, old friends, or married to my friends/relatives.

merry xmas to you angel. i hope 2024 brings you more peace than this year. even if you don’t feel like it’s going to get better, please just keep going. sometimes progress is so gradual we don’t even realize it’s happening. sometimes it’s ok to distract yourself and take breaks from the real world. but keep going. if not for you, for other women. we need each other if we’re ever going to create a world where women don’t feel terrified just existing.

[kaemixx0]

July 6, 2024 12:07 a.m.

Under the cut; a lot of 3d text, tc4, an4, etc.

Soo, umm, today I want to write about what I have felt.

First of all; I'm so scared!

On Tuesday I will start my classes at college and I am very afraid that things will not go as I hope; I'm afraid, I'm very anxious and I know that I will be surrounded by people I don't know, I think it's good but it also makes me desperate because right now what I need the least are friends, in fact I would like to get away from everyone right now and concentrate on my 3d, but I love my friends and I know it's important to socialize at college, although I don't know how difficult it will be to maintain a balance between my social life and my constant exhaustion due to lack of food :(

Secondly; I think I'm a little upset with myself, it bothers me because I've had good results in a while without doing much and to think that it would be easier if I had done it when I was still in high school, ahgg, I wouldn't be fat now :(

Thirdly, I really like being here on 3dtumblr, and every moment of my process because every day I learn a little more about what I should do and what I shouldn't do and how to do it, although sometimes it's frustrating not to be simply and naturally skinny. —Plus, idk if some of u too but I've noticed that I hate the moment I have to take a shower, I hate see my body and feel it,,, but after this is actually cool haha, especially when I ⭐️ve i feel so clean, pretty an delicate.—

Fourthly, I hope that starting college will give me a little more independence, maybe then I can ⭐️ve myself more easily and well I would love to be already thin at this moment but I can't so my biggest motivation for now is my birthday and Christmas —December 6 and 25— so that my family can barely recognize me. :)

Fifth, I hate tiktok, half of my fyp is thinsp0 and the other half is full of girls in recovery and I mean, great for them, I'm so happy! But I hate those useless self love and motivational comments, I just can't tolerate them; Sometimes I want to recover, seriously, I'm afraid of how far I've thought about going to be thin but now I feel like I can't stop, Idk, it's a big dilemma. :(

Sixthly; Am I the only one who doesn't literally want skin and bones??? It inspires me a lot, but no, for many reasons:

☆ My family would notice immediately and they would force me to recover —no, thank you—.

☆ I still plan to live —a little longer haha— and that wouldn't help me at all.

☆ I have discovered that I like to look sick but not that sick; I don't want people to notice me for looking sick but for being skinny.

Besides! Today I tried to vomit; –I felt horrible like a pig— n literally my fingers touched the back of my throat and I didn't even gag. What the hell is wrong with me? Haha.

☆ X

[who-is-this-weirdo]

On February 3rd, 2024, I saw you made a post about TrickyTtalon from the r/Wings of Fire subreddit and I just thought I’d say how I also didn’t have a very good experience talking with them.

I absolutely despise Qibli and Moonbli in general tbh. Every single time I’d comment under a post (only the ones asking for unpopular opinions) how I dislike Qibli, Moon After Book 6, and Moonbli—they’d always comment trying to “prove me wrong.” They also made like a really icky statement about the whole “Qibli said he’d brainwash winter if he could” situation. (I’ll try to find a screenshot when I get the chance, so take this with a grain of salt.)

Trickytalon ended up blocking me on Reddit while we were (once again) discussing about Qibli, moon, and Moonbli. I thought the conversation was rather civil, but they kept bringing up some not very good points (imo) that were downvoted to absolute hell by everyone else. Idk, Trickytalon just kinda came across as really condescending and trying to shove their love for moon and Qibli down your throat. Like I get it, you like Qibli, Moon, and Moonbli, but constantly trying to say how other people are blatantly wrong for disliking certain aspects of their relationship while glossing over the unhealthy portions rubs me the wrong way.

Anyways, this was a mess, but I felt like speaking out with this.

Oh god I'm so sorry that it happened to ya, like bruh I don't really like Winterwatcher but Qibli ain't perfect either ? It's a disservice to his character to treat him as such and I am scared of what he thought about Qibli brainwashing Winter

[cardinaldante]

Greetings Siblings of the church!! It is Cardinal Dante. Papa Terzo told on me to Papa Copia, and now I am being punished!!! I can't even believe it!! I thought Papa Terzo would keep my secret, but no!!

Papa Copia is making me take the next few days off, and Swiss has now become my permanent guard since we got along so well. Hes a very nice ghoul, which I am very suprised about! Usually I run into that ghoul Dewdrop Sodo, and he does NOT like me. Mr. Saltarian came up to me while I was moping at the breakfast table, and after pulling me away from breakfast- and yelling at Swiss to stay- he asked me several.... Confusing questions. One of them was about my mother, which I do admit I yelled at him for. I don't know my mother, I was raised partially in the Christan Church and became a priest there at a young age. They told me I was an orphan, and that my mother left me on the doorsteps. She must have been struggling to just leave me.

He also asked my opinions on the Papa's, which, was also a little weird?? I told him that I accepted the Papa's, and that they were good people. Mr. Saltarian looked a little annoyed at that, and asked if I could become like Papa, would I. I told him the truth and said yes. He looked... Not suprised and nodded, and asked if I could help him with something. I told him he'd have to wait and he told me a date two weeks from now. January 17th, 2024. I don't know what he wants from me, as he ran off as soon as Papa Copia became walking over. Honestly, he's starting to worry me.

Other than that, Papa Copia scolded both me and Swiss afterwards and wouldn't hear a word about Saltarian. Swiss for leaving me alone, and Me for running off from Swiss. After that, we both got punishment to help the tall ghoul(Sorry, Swiss has informed me his name is 'Mountain') and Papa Primo in the greenhouse. I didn't mind though, Papa Primo tells the best stories, and Mountain is very quiet and doesn't mess with me. Swiss bit him though, and Mountain punched him. I think the poor ghoul is out for right now, he's been on his knees clutching his stomach for almost fourty minutes now.

I told Papa Primo about Saltarian and everything that happened, and Papa Primo told me to keep it to myself, and that Saltarian is just a little weird. It still scares me- but if Papa Primo says nothing is wrong, then I guess nothings wrong. Since I was by Papa Primo, Swiss and Mountain dissapeared on us. Papa Primo said they probably went by the ghoul den, and when I told him of my punishment, he just laugh and told me I could stay with him until Swiss came back, or he could take me to the ghoul den. However, I only trust Phil(who I really need to check up on), Swiss, and I guess Mountain as well.

It sounds odd that I only trust so few ghouls even though I have this blog and have said I'll talk with the other ghouls and Papa's, but to be honest with you all, the other ghouls arnt exactly very... Friendly. I'm suprised Swiss is super friendly, expecially since I've heard... Things... From other Siblings. I've SEEN things on the other siblings. One of the siblings couldn't walk for a week after having a run in with some of the ghouls, while another had bruises and bite marks all over his body.

I decided to stay with Primo, and honestly, I really like hanging around him. He's like an old grandpa! He talks alot about flowers and flower languages, but I'm fine with him doing so. Maybe if I get good at them I can ask Jacob out I can give the flowers to some of the siblings they've helped raised me while I'm here. I wonder if he could teach me anything else while I'm here- I heard Papa Primo and Secundo were good at getting dates when they were younger. I'd ask Papa Terzo, but Whenever I try I get all flustered and embarrassed and end up running away. Maybe it'll be easier asking Papa Primo?

Also, I hope Swiss comes back soon. The Papa's dont eat when the others eat, for some reason, so Papa Primo isn't hungry, and Lunch is almost here and I am hungry. Swiss, save me!!

[silverswan21]

January 26th 2025

7th of June 2024

I took this picture back in summer the day after I finished my exams and a day before I was leaving to go home. I look back at my first year of uni with a lot of indifference now, but younger me would have such a different perspective. I remember how long sixth form felt to me. I was always so grateful of how much I learnt during that time but learning constantly about yourself is tiring and can feel isolating. I wasn't having these great philosophical breakthroughs but with each new revelation I slowly became happier, more mature and independent in my thinking.

The most important thing I learnt back then was that "wanting" isn't this natural thing. You might want the feeling of something instead of the thing itself , you might want something because its taught that you should, or perhaps you just don't know yourself enough to want anything and so want nothing or everything. In my experience everything is learnt, very little is natural, everything is a skill. I asked myself once, do you actually care what these people think? Do you think they're worth you time, truly ? No and No. So much of teen hood is spent on caring what others think about you you forget yourself. You forget who you want to become and in turn the things you would have to want to become that.

Figuring yourself is very tiresome but a lot easier than remaining unchanged. Personally I found growth when I started thinking both less and more. I spent more time questioning myself; I focused this on social settings because I struggled with what others opinions a lot. I would ask myself, do you really want to go to this ? Or would you be their friend if there were other options ? Simultaneously when I thought things like, you don't like that or that's weird or ugly I wouldn't only stop myself I would push myself in further. Because why is something ugly , why shouldn't ugly things have a place there or here or with you . Even if I was taking about an ugly mug from tiger tiger, the importance of the question isn't hindered. Maybe you found it ugly, but did you like it ? Why didn't you like it ? Maybe you did ?

There are so many things I thought were wrong that were right. So any of these things were taught to me by my parents, who I know know would rather me be "safe" and normal that different and happy. I am so grateful for music and queer pop culture for teaching me that nothing and everything is right. Anything an be fashionable, anything can be liked- if only it is something you feel is meant for you. These little choices we make everyday, how we were out hair , our choice of shoes all matter. Are you going to be yourself or not ? Whatever your little thing , doesn't have to be the fashion example I gave , let it represent you . In a world where everything is consumed , monetised and pushed out to force you into a mold- find who you want become. Even if you have to learn how to want.

Perhaps my way of thinking is a bit extreme but I think that's that is needed to for me to become as original as I can be. A little background; I am an artist and I question my talent a lot . Partly because I haven't had this fated meeting with a producer or talent manger or anything like that , so sometimes I question weather its meant to be. So in the mean time , while I write my songs and PRFECT my music taste, I will work on myself. If I never get sing on stage or if people never know my writing, at the very least like the great singers, performers and writers I adore I will share the same integrity originality and dedication (obsession) allowing me to make the best most authentic art I can.

I am still scared of being myself but I know along as I make these steps; even as minuscule and unimportant as buying a mug that 17 year old me would have said was ugly. Progress will be made. There is no use of an "End goal". Although daunting, I wrap my way around this by splitting up this "end goal". I know after this thing they'll be another, but I know , I am confident that with whatever I'm working on right now, I will reap the rewards. I feel like I already have.

[undefine1923]

JANUARY 14 . 2025

I am feeling angry and upset right now:

(Because the treatment center I was going to abandoned me of all medical care and psychological care due to a PTSD related flashback that I experienced on the inpatient unit. Then they wrote a medical letter (that is documented by the way and is a part of my medical records) that I can go back to them after a period of six months. When six months had hit and I made a call requesting to make an initial assessment they went against their documented letter and refused to take me back as a patient.)

I am feeling angry and upset right now:

Because since the end of April/Beginning of May, 2024 I have been waiting to get help for this horrible disease/illness/disorder - Call it what you want, its a monster. Calling all of the remaining places that treat this disorder in my state I got told "No" repeatedly. My insurance is not covered out of state (Obviously - because I have insurance through my state.)

I have been waiting and while I have been waiting for help I crashed my car into someone else' while pulling into my parking lot because I became unconscious behind the wheel. I feel dizzy and lightheaded all the time, my heart races and slows, when I most recently introduced a sandwich to my body (Only 1/3) it caused me to drop in blood sugar, shake and become very lightheaded instead of giving me energy and a sense of clarity. Today I learned eating that little bit caused me to experience a few symptoms of "refeeding syndrome" (Learned from E therapist) which is deadly - but I don't have the option to get medical stability because the only place I can currently get that help and have it paid for by insurance is the place that abandoned me and does not want me back as a patient. I have shrunk in height half an inch likely due to my bone density (Learned at my last doctor appointment) I did not pass the memory test they do to learn if someone may have the start of an early onset dementia and or is beginning to experience symptoms of Dementia. I am still not getting the help I need as I sit in my closet and write this tonight.

I have been angry and upset for awhile now.

(Read my first blog post after losing all help, below.)

___________________________________________

MAY 10, 2024

I lost my help because I had a flashback.

Truthfully, I am nervous that I won't be able to beat this thing on my own. I have a really positive attitude and I am acting as if everything is just fine and nothing is going wrong in my life; It slightly concerns me. I have pretended and convinced myself for three consecutive years before that I was ok even though I was internally dying. I was mentally more alone than I had ever been in life before. It is incredibly hard to have something to share with someone, just anyone, and there isn't anyone that you can converse with. Loneliness is lurking in the back of my mind constantly, and I will always try to resist it.

This week was... trash. I believe that I had an anxiety induced flashback while in treatment a few nights ago and I haven't been able to talk about it. If I write it out on my blog, I risk opening the flood gates of tears; I really need to write and I am going to do it despite the emotional pain I feel right now as I sit in front of my window cross legged on the floor. I felt trapped. I couldn't get out. I was pacing and opening the curtains in my room, I was crying out loud "I think I am in some kind of trance. I am scared it's from a sudden stop in my medication but I don't know. I don't know what is going on. I have to get out of here, can I please leave? GIve me my keys. Why are there police here? I am not a bad person no don't let them take me please I swear I just want to go to bed I just want my medicine and I just want to go to bed please don't let them take me. I think I grabbed three or four staff and hid behind them, I was so so scared. I begged the officer to leave me alone I am a good girl I am not bad please I promise I would never hurt anyone, please. I internally suffocated hours ago at this point and I needed to be transported to the hospital. This would have been the one time that sending me off in an ambulance would have been constructive to the situation. I wish I could go back and figure out what happened and where everything went wrong, but there were so many intense vulnerabilities and factors playing into the situation already that in the end, I could not be helped with my illness even if I wanted to be free of it because I am in too much misery, agony and emotional turmoil. It is unsafe to go all in with both fists up.