#don't actually need them to drive even
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happy solvermas
#cause t. no actually if christ is the son of god and the solver is god then it'd be like uzimas#quick sketch i pulled out of my ass yesterday to see if i could get myself out of art block/burnout/whatever ive got going on#v was added after cause i had no idea how to work her into the scene#implied nuziv or something look man im just desperate about this ship#and i dont know how to draw fluff or whatever#im so bad at romance i dont know how to express it#but i've been desperately trying to draw nuziv for the past months#i think this is actually like some of my best linework yet im really satisfied with everything right now#been a long time since i've felt that#turns out the “stop overthinking every pixel of the expressions and just draw the approximation the audience will get the jist” approach wo#ks#something something n is the star of their life. tree light chrismtas#it is taking. All of my restraint right now#to not be So Mean to all of you#You Don't Even Know#I Could Do Something. I Might Still.#art#murder drones#murder drones uzi#uzi doorman#murder drones n#serial designation n#murder drones v#serial designation v#murder drones cyn#i need liam to explain whether cyn and the solver are the same person already so i can tag them appropriately its driving me nuts#oh yeah cyn got a plush core to chew on by the way#the idea of giving her a chew toy was rolling around in my head and i think its a very funny visual so here we are
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HEY FOLKS!
sooooo. remember when i was posting about being up way too late for a powerpoint thing i was doing with friends? yeah i'm posting that final powerpoint now.
allow me to introduce you all to...
THE KOMAHINA BIBLE
(aka a demonstration in unmedicated ADHD)
120 slides. 163 MB. somewhere between 14 and 22 hours of work. sleep deprivation. influence from @anonzentimes , respected komahina scholar. this bad baby has it all this is a powerpoint presentation summarizing and analyzing just about everything you need to know about komahina in sdr2 (and a bit from adjacent media as well). we go in-depth and we prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that komahina real and love wins (loses?)
WARNING: THIS CONTAINS MAJOR END-GAME SPOILERS FOR SDR2 (AS WELL AS DR1). IF YOU WISH TO REMAIN SPOILER-FREE (OR YOU ARE SOMEONE WHO I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO KEEP SPOILER FREE (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE)) THEN DO NOT VIEW THIS POWERPOINT PRESENTATION UNTIL YOU KNOW. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU HAVING BEEN SPOILED
ok cool! some other things to keep in mind under the cut:
THIS IS LIGHTHEARTED THIS IS LIGHTHEARTED THIS IS LIGHTHEARTED. IF YOU DO NOT SHIP KOMAHINA THAT'S LITERALLY SO FINE I KNOW THERE IS KOMAEDA SEXUALITY DISCOURSE GOING ON RN FOR SOME GODFORSAKEN REASON KNOW THAT I DO NOT THINK EVERYONE HAS TO SHIP KOMAHINA PLEASE I'M LITERALLY A MULTISHIPPER PLEASE. PLEASE DO NOT CRUCIFY ME FOR FUNNY YAOI POWERPOINT
i made this powerpoint in two sittings across 2 days, each sitting about 8-12 hours long
i got about 7 total hours of sleep in that time. not for each day- total. i was mad scientist delirious by the end of this
originally, i wanted to include far more- i wanted to analyze other media in depth (like the stageplays, the drama CD, komaeda's official songs, and even official art and materials) but i did not have the time for it. maybe i will make a new testament powerpoint detailing these as well as fandom analysis but that is not currently in the works
this is a presentation! as such the intended way to consume it is As A Presentation! unfortunately i am not someone who records videos so i cannot present it to you. if you would like to present it to you feel free. if you would like to present it to your friends feel free. if you would like to present it to the internet i'm honored but would like for you to talk to me about it first. cool
the original target audience for this was my friends and not all of them are anime people so. i am using the more english-friendly terms (as well as first names). i don't think this will bug any of you but i'm making it clear anyways
all art included in the presentation is credited with a caption linking back directly to the original artist's account. if you see your art in here and you do not want your art in here: let me know! i will take it down immediately and without question.
i may have missed some details/glossed over some things! if you think i've made a mistake somewhere or have missed something important, talk to me about it! i'd love to discuss it and if i make the new testament sequel powerpoint then i will include your corrections at the beginning :)
a lot of the jokes i make happen in the transitions of this powerpoint. some of them use audio- click on the little speaker icon to play the audio and time the animations yourself i suppose. i'd recommend playing it as a slideshow ^-^
have any questions about a particular point i make? ask me! i will elaborate for you
ok that's all i can think of!! have fun folks :]
#marzi speaks#danganronpa#sdr2#komahina#nagito komaeda#hajime hinata#<- i put so much energy into this thing best believe i am maintagging it#OH ALSO. the link is a shared google drive link that takes you to the powerpoint so you can download it. it is safe i prommy#ANYWAYS i really loved making and giving this presentation. have a powerpoint night with your friends it's a blast#komahiners i hope you like this beast. it took a piece of my soul with it i'm pretty sure. i learned a thing or two as well which is crazy!#bc i thought i knew them like the back of my hand. but actually there's even more i don't know. i need to find a translation of the drama C#ok that's it!#rejoice! komahina bible be upon ye!
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they had to pause their morning workout to drive wash to the ER at 7 am bc he somehow got hit by a car while getting mail. there's traffic. maine fiddles with the radio and carolina is imagining herself parkouring over the other cars
#rvb#red vs blue#maine#wash#carolina#agent washington#agent maine#agent carolina#mine#*24#i just saw that image again and wanted to redraw it and this concept just manifested itself#i lost the og ref photo but its the one w/ the big beefy guy and the blonde woman + they both got tits. if u don't know it dw lol#also in a modern au carolina has like a subaru or a honda civic and it's teal. she's the only one of the blues who even has a car#tex had a motorbike. no one else in blue team even has a license except wash but he doesn't actually have a car he just needed a license#but the blues are like 'we never even fucking go anywhere why would we pay all the car insurance shit + parking'#if they rly need to they can just bum a ride from someone or wash can rent a car or whatever#carolina will only drive them (she doesn't trust wash not to crash) in an absolute emergency bc they made fun of her car saying#it's a PTA mom car and she's petty. if youre not gonna die she doesn't care
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Jason who immediately loses respect for people who don't own up to their mistakes vs Annabeth who would rather die than admit she made a mistake
#jason vs annabeth. autism vs npd lol#idk what the outcome is. i don't think they'd fight physically. but jason would get on her ass. and she'd be so fucking pissed abt it#she'd strategize different ways to put him in uncomfortable situations for whatever reason#and he's just vibing through them because he's been uncomfortable his entire life. pretending to be bacon for a monster is not new#anyway jason looking at his dad who's refusing to admit he made some dumb decisions and immediately going this guy is an idiot fuck him#happy talks pjo#npd!annabeth#jason grace#annabeth chase#oh oh annabeth needing everyone to like and trust her and jason's lost respect for her drives her up the fucking wall#she's the only one of the seven who could really be considered friends with all of them and jason's judgy eyes make her want to explode#she 100% rants herself to sleep about things he says. maybe that's where percy and jason's beef arised from#percy recognizing that annabeth is fustrated with jason because jason is blunt and doesn't really know to soften his words.#so now percy is fustrated with jason because annabeth is the source of his personhood right now. meanwhile jason is just vibing oblivious#no social awarenes whatsoever. anyway lol#but oooooo see leo's inferiority complex actually makes him fess up to errors in a way that judges him (jokingly but not really)#even if the error wasn't his fault. but it's his willingness to admit to his mistakes that makes jason really appreciate and trust him#so we have npd!annabeth who can't admit to being wrong because it would kill her ego#and then inferiority complex leo who does admit to being wrong because he hates himself#and when he fucks up he is quick to confess (often in a self-deprecating joke manner) so that no one can say anything that would hurt him#if he kills his ego before other people can even attempt it then he's safe from their judgement in some way#okaaaay bac to studying lol
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was trying to figure out why I feel so Wrong rn and I think it's because I didn't follow my usual daily routine like At All and now my brain is freaking out. woke up at a vastly different time, had entirely different tasks throughout the day, took a nap at a weird time (to make up for the fact I had about 3 hours of sleep last night), zero human contact for the past 15 hours, and ate different food from usual (various leftovers from social events/thanksgiving, instead of cooking for myself like normal). and before I really realized that these were all things that were Bad For My Brain I was just wandering around my house like "why do I feel like garbage?? I've literally been outside so much today my brain should be happy"
ANYWAY here's to me not remembering I have issues with unstructured living because my days have been so similar for the past 4ish years that I straight up Forgot that things being too different too fast makes me crazy ✌️
#rye.txt#I'll be fine lol#the sudden shift in my daily schedule and my generally unhealthy eating today were the big things that made me feel Bad#so now that I am actually cognizant of this I can take steps to mitigate it tomorrow#god. what the hell did I even eat#leftover soup. that was breakfast (very out of my ordinary). uhh. a lot of pie (grandma made a ton for thanksgiving).#a tangerine that miiight have been on the edge of going bad#(thought I should eat a fruit. fruit did not improve status)#reheated popcorn chicken? that was not a good decision I felt so gross after eating that#hrm. ok my issue is that I feel like I Need To Eat These Leftovers So They Don't Go Bad#otherwise i'll be Wasting Perfectly Good Food#BUT. I don't want to eat it and eating it makes me feel generally unfulfilled and kinda blehg#ough. why can't I be normallllll#I'm also not dealing with the whole 'zero human contact' very well tbh. which is weird because I'm a deeply introverted person#and usually spend my days avoiding people like the plague#but idk. it's been literal years since I've spent and extended period of time completely alone#I don't knowwww i don't know#I'm gonna invite some friends over tomorrow and get them to help me eat these dang pies#ALSO. ITS BEEN REALLY COLD TODAY. AND I HAD TO BREAK INTO MY NEIGHBORS' HOUSE#(was not breaking in; I was trying to take care of their dogs since they're out of town)#(but their door code AND their garage door code weren't working#and I didn't have a physical key to use#so I had to push my way in through a back door that'd been blocked by a pile of boxes taller than my head#and squirm into their garage in order to get inside and take care of the dogs)#(was a very stressful way to spend my early waking hours)#i ALSO had to drive to the AIRPORT this morning which SUCKED. had to drop off family#which like I'm happy to help but also airports suck so much ass I hate them#anyway. today was sort of shitty#but mostly I only have myself to blame#did not structure my day well enough
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Chibnall's Master is just a mess of motivations, and it's no surprise that many struggle with this take on the character, but it's frustrating when some get mad about this, insisting that the character isn't badly written, people "just don't understand them" and then rattle off a load of headcanons to explain them that are exclusively things fans made up to fill in the gaps in Chibnall's characterisation.
#doctor who#dw#the master#chibnall crit#they go from killing all the time lords because they hate having a tiny bit of the doctor in them#to wanting to be the doctor because they hate themselves so much#but are still exactly the same as the doctor#and i don't even know what spyfall was all about#feels like the master was just randomly throw into that episode because they rant out of plot of needed to pad out the runtime#i actually wonder if the master and timeless child stuff were originally even going to be in that season#i know the fugitive doctor was a last minute addition#feels like the master could be two since both the stories he's in that season have nothing to do with him#until he just shows up out of the blue for the cliffhanger#and takes over the narrative that has little to do with the story being told in the first part#he's an intrusive presence#forcing his way in to make chibnall's story arc happen#because there is no story that season driving to doctor towards this revelation#the narrative via the master has to literally strap her to a chair so it can be explained#just terrible storytelling all round#and even worse characterisation#even the doctor comes off badly whenever forced to share screen with the master#become so passive and and one-note#there simply to be an audience for the theatrics and exposition#except for the odd bit where they do something really fucking weird like make sure the nazis know they're poc when they arrest them
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pitched battle inside my brain between the part of me that's desperately shaking myself by the shoulders going "YOU HAVE GOT TO ACTUALLY LIVE THE KIND OF LIFE YOU IMAGINE INSTEAD OF JUST SITTING AROUND IMAGINING IT UNTIL YOU DIE!!" and the part of me that's clutching my face going "is this allowed? is this allowed?? is this allowed???"
#trying to plan a solo cicada pilgrimage and getting brainworms about it yeehaw#'making a lot of plans and never actually doing things in real life' has been a problem for literally as long as I can remember#but I also feel like I've developed a learned helplessness over the last several years that's gotten worse as I've gotten older??#me age twenty: I think I'm gonna take myself to chicago next week because I feel like going to the zoo#me age thirty: am I allowed to go camping alone. am I allowed to do a solo road trip. I need a grownup#to be extremely clear I am very much allowed and this is not justin's fault and I don't know where it comes from#like I'll run things by him lowkey seeking 'permission' that I don't even need and he'll be like 'yeah that sounds good to me'#and then I STILL won't do the thing because like. my brain keeps insisting there needs to be a grownup in charge?? HELLO I'M GROWNUP#anyway I'm doing cicada trip solo BECAUSE-- the drive is so long I want to do five days because two of them will just be driving#and he can't get that much time off work right now#AND because I literally only want to Be Camping and Looking At Bugs but he'd get bored of a week of that he likes Activities#me this morning getting insecure and weird: what are your thoughts... on cicada voyage....#him after at first not even understanding the question: I'm SO excited for you?? you deserve to get to go absolutely feral???#I do.... ;n; 💕 why am I so scared to be a person.......#about me#cicada quest
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How is tumblr going to ban porn and then show me ads where two triceratops are straight up having sex
#frankly these mobile game ads have also gotten just kinda disgusting and i feel like there needs to be regulations on them#i don't mean the dino fuck one it's not graphic but like#all the ones about those app women getting abused are out of hand like i keep seeing one where a guy cuts off a his wifes boob???#or where a lady is lactating or pissing herself or shitting herself#or even ones that imply straight up sa. like.#i understand. it's because it's shocking and drives engagement and ppl to make YouTube videos going woooaa weird ads but.#like. i don't wanna talk too much about them bc i don't wanna feed into what makes it effective but i just feel like#there needs to be somekinda standards here. the same way you can't just show whatever on tv advertisements#bc malicious advertising is an issue and there SHOULD be limitations to make sure this doesn't happen#not just bc it's gross but because it's underhanded and also false advertising! that stuff is straight up not in the app lol#it's usually just candy crush w extra steps#tbh im surprised no one has capitalized on actually making a fucked up gross game like that since there's clearly an audience#but still. annoying. sick of seeing them
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About my tanks
Usually wouldn't post this but since it's gone from every so often to twice a week now in my asks or messages. Ranging from well meaning to pretty rude.
I am aware the tank I keep my giants in is too small, I've said so before in posts. The person I got them from said my tank was fine at the time so that's why I went ahead and got them.
I do plan to upgrade the tank but I have a number of limiting factors - Money, I don't have £200-300+ to drop on this tank, new substrate and stronger shelves to hold the extra weight. - No car, anything I'd buy has to be delivered to me which greatly limits my options to local stores or very expensive shipping - Where I live limiting my options. All I can get delivered to me(at a reasonable price) currently is either exoterra tanks or fishtanks with lids that wouldn't work/no lids.
So yes I'm aware of the issues and I'm doing what I can with what I've got until I am able to get a new tank. I've plans in place to hopefully have it sorted by late spring.
#bug babbles#I'm not mad or anything but it is getting a little annoying#getting weekly messages trying to be helpful or saying I'm going to kill my millipedes#if they keep up I will simply stop posting about the giants on the blog#or look into rehoming them#though there's no way to be sure whoever I'd give them too would treat them any better#either way I know I promise you all I KNOW the tank is too small I have plans to sort it out next year#it's just not as simple as driving to a store and picking one up I don't have a car and I'd need all new shelves to handle the weight#and even just getting the shelves is hard because I again I need them delivered#I'm not from America there's only a handful of specialist stores in my country and one of them is on the complete other side of it from me#even just getting substrate is a pain in the ass for me I have to order it from the mainland in bulk whenever it's actually in stock#and before anyone says just order off amazon I've had awful luck ordering tanks off there they nearly always have arrived shattered
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my silly - featuring mika and his girlfriends (eichi + light mode jumpscare)
the original was [pink]'s cat that [purple] yoinked and everyone just kinda went with it (guess which one's my message)
also this is the keirei dynamic i think. one 撒娇s and the other goes "actually."
#enstars#ensemble stars#enstars textpost#sillypost#shu itsuki#mika kagehira#arashi narukami#queued#koga oogami#kgmk is actually very cute now that i think about it#i was debating over kogamika and natsumika but kgmk won by like one fic on ao3#mikajun was in the running too#unfortunately nazuna couldn't make it in this round 😔#ritsu sakuma#eichi tenshouin#i love that eichi card he looks so devious#don't even need to search up renders for eichi bc i have all of them individually saved in a folder on my laptop's hard drive#almost put eimika to deal more psychic damage but thought it'd be funnier if it was just eichi making fun of shu at the end#shumika#narumika#rei sakuma#keito hasumi#keirei#reikei#kogamika#ritsumika#if you squint#is this low enough#ok confession i don't actually play enstars#i'm a milgrammie
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I'm rewatching Spreen's Egg event day VOD and taking notes because, as is the case with Fit and his original thoughts about the Eggs and Ramon, a lot of people don't do a Great Job depicting him in fanwork (q!Spreen was kind of a dick, he wasn't straight up Evil like some people make him out to be) but o o f... There are some things he says that are such gut-punches.
When Spreen talks to Vegetta and Foolish and finds out they don't have an Egg (they hadn't received Leo yet) Spreen turns to Ramon and says (approximately): "Well Ramon, I can tell that you're a lucky guy. There are people who could not be born, and you are here with us today."
#i talk#qsmp talk#and then Foolish calls Ramon stupid and Spreen says he'll make sure Ramon doesn't hang out with people like him#anyways#I'm not even a Spreen fan or anything but seeing people misrepresent him riles me up#this is specifically in relation to his interactions with Fit and Ramon#like guys please you don't need to make Spreen straight up Evil to advance the Fit/Pac agenda I PROMISE you don't need to do that#I also don't understand the Spreen / Fit thing. They were not a couple. also q!Spreen is the most aroace man I have ever seen#but that's another story#It's a shame he didn't stay with the project but I 100% understand why#When people analyze the Roier and Spreen lore I feel like people do a great job#but tbf I think that's because they actually watched Spreen and Roier's POVs#while most people writing about Spreen (in relation to Fit and Ramon) only watched Fit's POVs#idk it just drives me up the wall when people make a character super ooc#just for the sake of making a ship look better#like y'all I promise Fit/Pac doesn't need the help. I love them and they do not need you to do another character dirty lmao
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sometimes you need to go back and listen to the music you liked when you were 13 because it's good for you. and no im not talking about like emo nostalgia in this case we have enough posts about that. im talking about dad rock. actually im just talking about barenaked ladies
#idk if i'd call barenaked ladies dad rock per se but every once in a while i'll hear a song and go MAN. I REMEMBER THAT#i had so many oc animatics in my head about this one....#anyway skrunk lore moment but i had a really intense bnl phase for like 8 months in early middle school which explains a lot about 13 y/o me#in a neutral way but like. yeah. anyway go listen to box set for me.#you don't have to listen to anything else even though i still have a great fondness for a lot of it bc it's one of those things where it's#so familiar to me that i don't even know if i think it's good or not. but box set goes hard and i'll stand by that#in the car and hello city and i'll be that girl and spider in my room AND CALL ME CALMLY and blame it on me and alternative girlfriend and#the flag and when i fall and the king of bedside manor and am i the only one.... ohgh#AND YES IT'S BASIC BUT IF I HAD $1000000 IS COZY. IT'S CUTE OK#OH and it's all been done for all your immortal/reincarnation ship needs. well. a certain vibe anyway#and alcohol. and OH MY GOD I FORGOT JANE. AND INTERMITTENTLY and break your heart.... waaaaaaa#man they have way way more albums than i thought they had#i can only really speak for gordon born on a pirate ship and maybe you should drive actually but. i like those#or i Did like them. havent relistened but even looking at the titles is making me giggly like... i forgot some of these#ALSO SHOEBOX IS A FRIENDS SONG?? WHUH?#or maybe it was used in friends? idk. no thoughts on friends but they did music for just the dumbest shit. ignore that for me please#ANYWAY. going to go listen to all of that now bc im having a moment. if you listen to it and don't like it um. don't think less of me lol <3
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Go with my delusional fantasy here for a minute.. but Red Bull is very worried bc Max keeps talking about retiring every other freaking INTERVIEW, but then in Australia, Max keeps spilling/vomiting how much happiness and joy Daniel brings everywhere he goes… like anyone can see how much happier Max is with Daniel around…… RB wants to keep Max happy obvs… Daniel CLEARLY makes Max happy via *his own words and actions*….. Daniel being 10 minutes away from being race ready per Christian……… sooooooo🙏
my confession is that i once sent an almost identical ask to danthropologie ie c horner makes daniel come back to rbr for a third time to stop max from retiring bc even tho he loves racing he hates everything race adjacent (canon) and daniel literally makes even the dullest race adjacent stuff fun (canon). also max has been so fucking fast in the fastest car he's in tire management 90% of the time after lap 4 (canon) my boy is BORED and checo has been nowhere near his pace for there to be any fun racing to happen (canon) with daniel back max will finally have an equal opponent teammate to race against (canon) ie malaysia 2016 hungary 2017 azerbaijan 2018 which is why he loves this sport in the first place (again...canon)
#im actually pretty serious about this#also do i even need to mention stefano 'entertainment value' domenicali#having a speed demon lapping the whole grid doesn't get you views having fun stuff happening on track does and when you don't get views#you don't get revenue f1 is essentially a media event nobody gives them money for driving fast they do so to get themselves media exposure#also you KNOW ford *wants* wants daniel#*#asks
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Despite everything, I do prefer veilguard to inquisition
#not to be a hater but i just really do not like. inquisition#it managed to beat so many AC games that i've played when it comes to “god this is the worst quest of all times”#the politics of this game drive me insane#don't get me wrong veilguard's do too but somehow inquisition's make me more mad#i don't care for the inquisitor that much and out of the 4 they're the weakest protagonist if you ask me#also the fact that as a qunari you have to ASK LELIANA TO TRANSLATE QUNLAT TO YOU#MADE ME SO MAD#trespasser is only good for the plot bc the gameplay is awful#actually so much of my hatred of this game comes form the gameplay#the final battle makes me mad#HOW WAS THE DA2 DLC FIGHT MORE DIFFICULT THAN THE INQUISITION ONE#AND WAY MORE INTERESTING#my god i have SO many problems with corypheus as a villain#and how the mage/templar war is handled#the romances are good and even tho i love blackwall and solas none of them quite had me hooked like dao and da2s#and datv despite its many problems#also.#war table#do not get me started. on the war table.#anyways#i needed to speak my truth#in that FOR ME ESPECIFICALLY#inquisition is the weakest game#FOR ME MY OPINION#i don't like inquisition#if you scroll back on my blog you'll find plenty of me rebogging dai critical posts#ANYWAYS#i'm fine now#also if you need any proof of how much i dislike inquisition#its that the first time i played dao
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henry 🤝 zack
hanging out with an eccentric inventor that exclusively wears coveralls
#i'm rewatching the suite life and i'm picking up on some insane parallels#like they're so specific???#they've literally both been on a game show and said while standing on the game show set#that they can't fight a girl#only to promptly get their asses kicked by said girls#i mean they both also ended up winning in the end but still#and that's just one. there's so many more#they've both traveled to an alternate dimension that was caused by a storm. and everything was like. backwards#the only time we've ever seen either of them drive a car it was a toy car#(i don't really count the truck because Hen wasn't really driving it. it was basically self-driving)#altho that one is kinda up for debate because I know henry took the wheel a few times when ray was being stupid#and zack may have driven his dad's red sports car in the movie?? it's been so long since i've seen it#i can't remember if we actually saw him driving it or just parking it#whatever. even if that one doesn't count there's still more#being involved in cheating during a spelling bee without actually being in the bee#being like 14 and heavily flirting with an older girl they have no shot with#having only one canon girlfriend that lasts more than one episode but ends up leaving them in the end#i know i've said it before but their canon superpowers are both speed based#i KNOW i've brought up the ghostbusters costumes 6 million times#i need to stop cause honestly i could go all night but who has the time
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Hiiiii! So, a few days ago you were talking about the whole thing with Amy, Rory, and River. And when I saw those posts a thought arose in my head and I wish to share it with you.
Since River grew up with Amy and Rory as Mels. And Mels was Amy's best friend do you think that they ever talked about children? Since I know that it can come up when talking with friends, and like... do you think that Amy might've ever expressed whether or not she wanted children?
And if she didn't, that Mels would've had to listen to her mother say that she doesn't want children? The idea is so heartbreaking and sooo interesting.
What do you think about it?
no, no, see, you're so right and this drives me wild.
because, the way i see it, i don't think amy wanted children. she's somewhere on the 'hasn't thought about it' to 'vaguely negative feelings about it happening' range to me, which falls sharply into 'Not Happening Ever Again' post-s6. (specifically, in terms of having a kid herself, even if she could, i really don't think she would. i do love that she and rory end up adopting a kid later, because that does make sense, for amy pond who grew up alone in one universe with her family swallowed by cracks in time before the doctor helped her set it right again, for her to want to make sure another child won't be alone in the world like she was. getting off-track here.)
and that's so. because the first real memory river/mels has of amy is of amy shooting at her. and depending on how well the silence fucked up the rest of her memory, it might be one of the very first memories she has at all. that's how she met her mother, crying for help and getting a bullet instead. her mother tried to kill her, so of course, you have to think. she must have needed to hear that she was wanted, right? even if she was taken away, even if amy shot her, at some point, melody must have been wanted?
river is good at getting people to do what she wants, but she is very, very bad at subtlety. and mels is younger, has less practice, so when she wants to know this, she's just going to ask. blunt and quick, easy enough because amy's used to the way mels will open her mouth and you just have to be ready to roll with what comes out if you want to keep up. it's why they're such good friends (like mother, like daughter.)
they're nine, and mels asks if amy wants kids, and amy wrinkles up her nose and says she won't have time for children, obviously, once her raggedy doctor finally comes back. they're fifteen, and amy and rory dance will they-won't they in a way that makes mels twitchy to watch, and taunting amy about wanting to have rory's babies is a good way to get on her nerves. but amy calls her gross, tells her she's got more life planned than children would leave room for, and besides, imagine her, a mom? it'd be a disaster.
mels does. a lot. she looks at her mother and just sees her best friend instead. she's not even sure what she wishes was there, but. maybe amy's right. and besides. imagine her, a daughter, instead of the ticking time bomb she really is? it'd be a disaster.
they're sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, and on. mels stands on the outside of a love story that births a universe. and her. how do you compete with that? not that she would know, not yet, she hasn't been there. but it doesn't make her feel any less alienated when amy and rory talk in whispers about a half-remembered world that's bled through to this life, about roman soldiers and boxes and the big bang of belief.
all these memories, they never mention children. on amy's wedding day, she's different, not like someone remembering a dream but someone who lived it. rory stands straighter, won't leave her side, and they're both so much older than they were yesterday. maybe now, right? a wedding's as good a time as any to decide you want kids.
mels not being at amy & rory's wedding is such an obvious lazy way of them trying to explain why they totally didn't just throw this plot twist together at the last minute that i'm not even going to acknowledge it. of course she was at their wedding. she's their best friend. there's too many people around the doctor, and she wasn't ready today of all days, so despite this horrible burning need under her skin to strike, she stays her hand. doesn't let him dance with her because she might just tear his throat out if he gets too close. stays with amy and rory as the maid of honor should. she must have been there for the awkward questions that always gets asked, 'so, any plans for a baby?' 'when am i getting grandkids?' 'oh, you two are going to have gorgeous children together.' standing a few feet from amy in her wedding dress and watching her mother tense and grit her teeth and brush off the questions. watching her look nervously at rory but never ask if he means it when his mom asks him if he'd prefer a son or a daughter, and rory answers 'either one, some day, not anytime soon.'
god i'm just going on and on, aren't i. but really, what's it like to know that amy never changed her mind. the next time she sees them, she's already been born and stolen. i don't like let's kill hitler for. so many reasons. but there is something compelling about how recklessly river lashes out at the world, at the doctor. even her sacrifice at the end is almost suicidal, throwing all her regenerations into this man without knowing if that will even work or if it might kill her to do it. but it makes more sense in the context of someone who has reached the end of a long, long wait for some kind of indication, any kind, that her mother wanted to have her. and finally been told, no. she didn't choose melody.
#like. to be clear also: i don't think the fact that amy didn't want kids and really didn't have a choice in giving birth to river#means that she wouldn't love river. i think it would make their relationship Complicated but i do think amy loves her. so much.#that's her daughter but it's also her best friend.#but like. god. to spend your whole childhood hoping you'll hear about some little glimmer of yourself.#a dream. a passing mention. a debate on baby names. anything. and to hear nothing.#and river is. like. she is really really bad at relationships right? we know this.#the person she's closest to is the doctor and she spends most of her life believing *he doesn't even love her*.#we're talking about someone whose base assumption about everyone is that they will try to hurt her at some point so she should always keep#one hand armed.#and her mother. didn't choose to have her. didn't have that choice. that has to fuck her up a little.#(and also serve as proof that river is. so so bad at knowing when she is loved. because maybe amy didn't choose to have her but she named#melody pond after mels her best friend. she has been choosing river every day for the past however many years since mels decided to come#here and be near her mom and dad even if only as kids. but river still can't see it.#and. given the nature of how the ponds disappear from her life. and we never get any closure about them and river.#you have to wonder if she ever did. river song do you know your mother loves you?#having the melody-as-river reveal be so close to the end of the season and then getting rid of amy & rory before they can actually do#anything with the three of them as a messed up little family unit is the show's biggest crime. because i don't know! i don't know if river#knew her parents loved her! i don't know if she *ever* came to terms with how she was born and how they didn't need to choose her then to#choose her now! i don't know if river ever really felt comfortable thinking of them as her parents rather than her friends?#according to the transcripts. river calls amy 'mother' twice. (and 'mummy' once jokingly.) she calls rory 'father' once. and 'dad' in angel#in manhattan. and it just. it drives insane right? it's almost weirdly formal. like the words aren't right but she knows she should say the#and. and. i don't think i'm ever going to get over river song.#i think that's the takeaway here.#ask#doctor who#river song#amy pond#rory williams
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