#don’t speak to me I’m actually so sad but
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Consequences of bad parenting like this:
Option A: a quiet, shy, opinionless child who thinks that they can’t ask/do anything without express permission.
Option B: loud, opinionated, less likely to listen. Will do things that don’t affect you, without you. High chance to actively avoid.
Or a different way to explain,
Option A: easily manipulated, not likely to grow mentally very well.
Option B: more likely to manipulate. Likely to grow up to fast.
(I, am option B, btw. I speak from experience. I’ve only ever seen two outcomes. Where one can’t listen to themselves, and where the other will never listen to others. It’s damaging for both sides.)
Sad bitch ranting:
I get it. The whole “they won’t get to ask for things” idea. But it’s just.. not.. accurate?
Especially the very common mentality of “you won’t get ___ when you’re older.” Sure, dad. Maybe you didn’t. Did you ever ask, though? In your “era” where you admit YOURSELF, that your own parents barely recognised you were there?
Had to be reminded that you existed by your tv?
Believed that they were so much better?
The only difference I see from my generation to yours, is that we actually have the confidence to stand up for ourselves and actually SAY something.
From where I’m standing, your sob story sounds like it’s your own fault.
Im not about to sit around waiting to be listened to. If you won’t listen to me, then I won’t listen to you. An eye for an eye, an ear for an ear.
Normalize apologizing to children.
#I lived like this with my family#I’m lucky as hell that I’m near impossible to influence#because I know how this ends for most kids#quiet and opinionless.#I’m simply just the opposite side of the aftermath#loud and aggressive.
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Astro Observations #5 (Based on My Placements) 🪽
hey guys! its been a long time since I did these but here you go. These are only based on what I feel and experience so chill back and relax 🤍
❤️🔥 Leo Rising: Yess I do love this placement it really gives me that cheerful vibrant youthful energy I always feel like I shine when I walk into a room and everyone kinda just stares at you I’m the introverted Leo rising tho lol but yeah no I don’t have thick shiny hair, bummer 😩 Overall 7/10
❤️🔥 Virgo Sun: I actually love this placement because it keeps me grounded and having that calm energy kinda book smart energy but the downside of it is having to deal with anxiety and shit phew 😮💨 Overall 7/10
❤️🔥 Libra Moon: Tbh I kinda hate having libra placements in my chart because it gives me that people pleaser energy having to please everyone and needing to fall in love and having crushes it’s exhausting but also having that pretty popular girl energy sometimes 💅🏼 Overall 6/10
❤️🔥 Virgo Mercury: Yesss I feel smart and intelligent lol but no really I actually adore this placement I wouldn’t have it any other way the brutal honesty and overthinking is real don’t get me started but yeah we only talk when we DO feel like it other than that we just observe most times 🤓 Overall 8/10
❤️🔥 Libra Venus: Oh gosh another libra placement great. nah but for real feeling the need to be in relationships all the time and needing reassurance is a big no for me my venus-saturn just don’t allow it to happen its kinda sad being a full time lover girl but YES we do flirt but we can be loyal if treated properly 🦋 Overall 5/10
❤️🔥 Scorpio Mars: Winner award goes to this placement! Yes its obvious I’m in love with this placement it really gives me energy in every aspect and determination the passion and boi oh boi I feel sexy most times the downside of it is yes the cliche revenge and jealousy yeah, not so good 💋 Overall 10/10
❤️🔥 Sun in 1st house: Yeah I do vibe with this its just that no I don’t have no leadership qualities as everyone been telling and yes I hate having to attract attention all the time and being put in a spotlight but the aura is amicable you can’t deny 👑 Overall 7/10
❤️🔥 Moon in 2nd house: Foood indeed. I’m in love with food whenever I feel overwhelmed I will eat my favorite food if that what it takes to keep my emotions in check and yes I love keeping expensive material possessions and having a financial stability is also a mood boast 💸 Overall 6/10
❤️🔥 Mercury in 1st house: Ah yes the classic I’m an intelligent thinker placement nah but for real I do feel intelligent most times lol but yess the feeling the need to have all the information and knowledge is brilliant but also having to be that one witty funny friend that everyone has 🥸 Overall 8/10
❤️🔥 Venus in 3rd house: Woah the classic send me a love letter and poetry I’m so in love with this I feel charming and flirty having the advantage to keep a smooth conversations between an admirer and people its just very easy to navigate 💌 Overall 9/10
❤️🔥 Mars in 3rd house: Say that again and I’ll roast you and give you all my brutal honesty and receipts while we argue energy haha no but for real having to argue with people online most times just verbal argument when things do get heated 🗣️ Overall 6/10
❤️🔥 Mercury Retrograde: Speech delay? Talking and having to have a conversation with others feels heavy and misunderstood always made of fun of with the way I speak and text, having no trouble communicating with another mercury retrograde natal 📝 Overall 4/10
❤️🔥 Sun-Mars: It gives me energy? And yes I have a sextile aspect so it really do flows nicely and gives the endurance and energy physically and mentally it also gives you the need to serve in a military or navy career to release that physical energy that you need and yes we do have anger issues despite the positive aspect 🔥 Overall 8/10
❤️🔥 Moon-pluto: I am an emotional wreck rollercoaster yes I do feel everything so intense to the point that I feel numb at most times emotions are all over the place but I do hide my emotions pretty well when I need to. Having to experience that dark energy tho and knowing people’s intentions and be right 🎢 Overall 6/10
❤️🔥 Venus-Saturn: Yes and no I have a love-hate relationships with this placement because this placement keeps me in check and yes I can be loyal despite having an air venus, surprised. And no I hate having to wait for the love an actual love that you really deserve for a long time while having to watch others fall in love 💔 Overall 6/10
❤️🔥Mars-Jupiter: Reckless and Impulsive. This placement makes me feel goofy and funny lol and willing to take risk no matter how dangerous the outcome is the never ending energy but people do say I look funny when I get angry which pissed me off ngl 🥶 Overall 6/10
❤️🔥 Mars-Ascendant: Yes the bad bitch energyy indeed. I feel bad and sexy most times and yes I do get angry and do display that emotions on my face no matter how hard I hide it but downside of it is having to be misunderstood and people having bone to pick on you 👄 Overall 8/10
#astro notes#astro observations#astrology#astrology community#astrology notes#mars signs#scorpio#astrology observations#astro posts#gemini#virgo placements#virgo sun#scorpio mars
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A Sovereign is Born
Synopsis: A story he never thought he'd tell, his own. How did he become the Abysm Sovereign, a monster to so many? Who was he before?
My submission for the Where Drakeshadows Fall Fan Art Contest
Content Warnings: Spoilers for Sylus's Myth, Grief, Death of Loved One, Physical Pain (mentions of the horn/tail transformation), Sylus POV
Word Count: 5.9k
It’s not unusual for Sylus to sit up and read for an hour or so after waking up. He enjoyed waking up slowly and starting his day, or rather his night, challenging his mind. Leaning against his headboard, he propped his book up on his knee while he sipped his tea. However, the peace and quiet was short-lived.
“That’s it! I can’t do it anymore!”
Her voice echoed down the hallway. A smirk spread across Sylus’s lips as he listened to her footsteps making their way to his bedroom door. The door swung open, but Sylus kept his eyes glued to the book before him. He felt the bed shift heavily beside him. He looked over to see she had face planted right into the plush black comforter. Her hair was tossed into a messy bun, her usual Hunters gear replaced with a pair of red sweatpants and a t-shirt three sizes too big. Sylus’s smirk turned into a full blown smile.
“Is that my shirt?”
She lifted her head and blew a strand of hair away from her nose, completely ignoring his question.
“I haven’t been able to sleep for the past 2 nights. I’m - I don’t know what to do…”
“So you came here?”
“I’ve tried everything - warm milk, ocean sounds, meditation, no caffeine or screen time after I get home from work, melatonin gummies. Nothing has worked. So yes, I came here.”
She dropped her face back onto the comforter. Sylus tilted his head, clearly enjoying seeing his kitten in such a desperate state that she came to him for help. As various ideas floated through his mind, one stuck with him.
“Do you know why I love reading so much?”
“Hmm?” She didn’t bother to lift her head to respond. Sylus could tell she was past her breaking point. He had already decided he would do everything he could to help her relax and fall asleep tonight.
“Stories take me to far away places or back in time. That escape, no matter how brief, eases my mind. Stories speak to the soul.”
She lifted her head and looked at Sylus with wide eyes.
“Tell me a story!”
Sylus chuckled. She sat up on her knees and clasped her hands in front of her.
“Sylus, I never beg. But… please? Please tell me a story?”
“On one condition.”
She scooted closer to him, seeming to agree without knowing the terms.
“You tuck yourself into this bed and call out of work tomorrow. You need more than just one night to recover from insomnia.”
“Sylus! I’m not- I’m…”
“Sweetie, I just woke up, remember? You’ll have the bed to yourself all night.”
“Oh… uhm…” She sighed heavily. “Deal.”
She rolled off the bed and kicked off her slippers. Peeling the comforter back, she slid between the sheets and let out a contented sigh as she settled in. Turning on her side to look at him, she smiled. “Story time!”
Sylus closed his book and set it on his nightstand. He pressed his lips thinking about the story he was going to tell. Would it be too much for her? Would it be too sad? He cleared his throat in an attempt to smother the anxiety.
“Are you sure my story will interest you? It’s not a happy story. Quite sad actually. And it involves dragons.”
“Ooh dragons! Yes, tell me, tell me!”
Her excitement made his heart swell. His nerves, much less troublesome.
“I just have to decide what to name the main character.”
“Sylus.”
“Yes?”
“No, name them Sylus!”
“You want me to name the main character after myself?”
“Why not? It’ll be like you’re talking in third person.”
Sylus pinched the bridge of his nose and forced a smile. The story he was about to tell just became infinitely more challenging. But he nodded.
“Okay, they’ll be named Sylus then.”
He crossed his arms and braced himself, prepared to tell a story he had long ago promised to never tell a soul.
“In a time before humans, dragons occupied the land. And before Sylus - well, dragon Sylus that is - was born, a great war was being fought between clans. His father was fighting on the front lines, while his mother protected her egg. She never left her nest, even as news from the front took a turn, she focused on taking care of her unhatched child.”
She smiled and pulled the blankets up to her chin. Sinking deeper into the plush mattress.
“Sadly, Sylus never got to meet his father. When word reached his mother, she immediately flew to the front. Leaving her egg to search for her lover to say a final goodbye. The war had already ended and the spring flowers had started to bloom when she arrived. She couldn’t find him, all she could do was roar into the night sky, mourning her lost love. And as quickly as she flew to that datura covered field, she returned to her child. The egg showed the first signs of cracking during the days she was away. She was terrified that leaving the way she did would mean her child wouldn’t survive.”
“But they did.” She whispered.
“Yes, they did. When the egg broke open, she was shocked to see a creature unlike anything she’d ever seen before. It didn’t look like a dragon. Pale skin, tufts of white hair.”
He winked at her and she giggled in response. Her eyes softened as her imagination took over.
“She was shunned by many mothers in the clan. They believed she had been cursed for leaving the egg the way she did. But she didn’t believe that, not for a moment. She saw him as a blessing. Even if she didn’t understand why he was so different. She would make a pilgrimage to the field every spring to pay respect. Eventually, Sylus wanted to go with her. And here, kitten, is where the story really begins.”
Sylus clung to his mother as she flew. Her ebony scales shimmered in the sunlight. Her crimson wings outstretched, steady and fluttering gently in the wind. Spring had started early this year, the air was warm and the floral scent washed over her, bringing tears to her ruby eyes.
“Will I ever be able to fly?”
His small voice broke as asked. He’d been asking the same question for years. The only dragon-like features that he had were his talons and scales, which had slowly started to spread across his arms in spare patches, chest and up his neck when he had turned 5. There’ve been no new developments in the past 5 years. He still had no horns or tail, and of course, no wings.
“I hope so. But remember what I told you?”
Sylus collapsed onto his mother, his arms swayed against her neck as his face pressed into her back. She felt the chill of a tear run over her scales. She flapped her wings hard, pushing them higher into the sky above the clouds. Sylus squealed in response.
“Mother!”
She smiled, she could hear the excitement in his voice. She flew higher and higher until the clouds lay beneath them like a fluffy meadow.
“Stand up.”
Sylus didn’t hesitate. He dug his claws into her scales, anchoring himself before he placed his feet firmly on her back. She leveled out and let her wings spread wide to allow them to glide. He removed his claws and eventually let go completely. She looked over her shoulder to see his arms outstretched and his face painted with a smile. The fabric of his tunic billowed in the breeze, the arms cut loose to imitate wings.
“Better?”
Sylus giggled and flapped his arms, feeling the fabric flutter.
“Better.”
“We’re almost there, you think you can hold on for a dive?”
He looked down at his mother with wide eyes, his sharp teeth on full display as he smiled. He nodded and dropped to his knees to cling to his mother ready for the descent. She tucked in her wings and angled her nose downward, diving through the clouds and straight for the ground. Sylus laughed and shouted as wind nearly deafened them and the ground grew closer. His mother finally flung her wings out and the updraft pushed them upwards before slowly descending to the field.
Sylus slid down his mothers wing and rolled onto the ground. He lay on his back, savoring the feeling of solid ground beneath him. As much as he loved flying, it made him appreciate the safety of the ground. He rolled over on his stomach and watched his mother walk into the field. She settled at the top of a hill and wrapped her wings around herself before lowering her head to the ground. Sylus frowned. The excitement of the flight momentarily made him forget the purpose of the trip.
Sylus jogged up the hill to his mother. He sat down next to her head, which was nearly three sizes larger than he was. If he was a normal dragon he might be half her size by now, but whatever “cursed” him made sure he would always be tiny in comparison to his kin. He shoved those thoughts away for now, leaning against his mother and using the ends of his tunic to dry her tears. It was always a hard trip, his mother mourned the loss of his father as if it was only yesterday she lost him.
“Tell me the story.” Sylus nudged his mother. She let out a soft growl in response.
“Sylus…”
“Come on, you know it helps. Tell me!”
She sighed, her breath blowing the petals off of hundreds of flowers that sat before her.
“When I first met your father, he was just a young dragon learning how to fly. I was, of course, performing better than he was in class. He would antagonize me during class, but during the journey home he would stay close to me, telling me stories about far away cities he had heard of and wished to see. When we came of age, he never gave any indication he liked me in any way. But when our first mating season began, he approached me and I was rather shocked.”
“He had a crush on you and you didn’t even know it. Embarrassing.”
“For me or for him? Being direct is always better. Don’t be embarrassed about what you desire.”
Sylus scrunched his nose, but nodded before settling back against his mother.
“It was rather impressive at first, but I think he got too cocky. He tripped over his tail and rammed his nose into a boulder. Everyone laughed and my friends urged me to ignore him, a better mate would present themselves. But –”
“But you didn’t want another mate, you wanted him!’ Sylus finished for her.
“I did. I wanted your father. Everyone thought I was crazy and mocked me for choosing a weak mate. But in just a few months he –”
“He proved himself to be the fiercest warrior and became the commander of all warriors in our clan!”
“You know the story better than I do it seems.” She laughed. “He wasn’t just strong, he was brave. He didn’t care what anyone thought of him. I loved him dearly and miss him everyday.”
She nudged Sylus with her snout.
“And you remind me of him.”
“But I’m not even a real dragon. And I’ll never be a warrior.”
“You are stronger than you know. Being different doesn't make you weak and it doesn’t mean you can’t be a warrior. You have a purpose Sylus. I know it.”
Sylus stared at her, tears filling his eyes.
“I just want to be like you. Like father.”
“And you are. You don’t have to look like us to share our heart. Our strength.”
Sylus never stopped wanting to look like a normal dragon, but over the years he started embracing his natural strength. Stubborn like his mother and cunning like his father, he proved himself to be a respected and valued member of the clan.
Sylus was 16 when the humans came. Tension in the clans grew as new inhabitants moved closer to their valley. And then they invaded. Clan after clan fell, their weapons were strong enough to pierce scales and shred wings. His mother protected him, but she wasn’t able to keep them away forever.
The afternoon sun cast a red glow across the valley, Sylus clung to his mother as she flew. Her strength was dwindling, her wounds were deep. Sylus had tried to treat them, but she wanted to get away from their army as quickly as possible.
“You have to stop, you’re hurt!”
He felt her drop several feet, her wings refusing to hold them up. She straightened her neck, pointing herself in the direction of the cave they had called home for the past few years. But when they finally approached the entrance, she couldn’t make it inside. Her claws scraped along the mountain side and Sylus could barely hold on. She came to a halt on a small ledge, her body collapsing, her wings draped over the edge of the cliff. Sylus crawled over her body, tugging off his tunic to press into her wounds.
“We have to get you inside, they’ll see you. Mother?”
Sylus couldn’t hide the fear in his voice. His hands shook as he treated her wounds. His mother let out a strangled roar. She was in too much pain to be quiet, Sylus knew they’d have heard her. They’d come for her and soon.
“I know it hurts, but you have to be quiet, you have to try, please.”
Tears stung his eyes, his heart pounded in his chest. The headache he’d had for the past few days had become so much worse. His mother struggled to open her eyes, a haze muddying the usual red shimmer.
“Be strong, my love. Always be strong.”
“Stop. Stop it! Don’t talk like that!”
Pain washed over him as his scalp split open. His talons clawed at his head as he screamed. His mother shifted, with her remaining strength she wrapped her wing around him protectively. He fell to his side as his back arched, his tailbone transforming and his tail extending. His body calmed, but fear settled over him. He lifted his hands to feel the spiraling horns. He felt his body sway and he looked over his shoulder to see a tail sweep against the rock beneath him.
“Mother?”
“I see them, my love. They’re beautiful.”
Sylus didn’t have time to process this sudden change. He’d waited 16 years to have horns and a tail, to be remotely similar to his kin, and now he would be hunted for having them. He resumed treating his mothers wounds, moving to the dagger stuck in her side.
“I need to remove this, hold still okay?”
His mother let out a deep growl. He gripped the hilt and pulled with all his might. The blade shook as her scales scraped against it. He placed it on the ground and moved the cloth over the new wound. She wasn’t getting any better. With tears streaming down his face, he finally knelt next to his mother, trying to meet her eye.
“Mother?”
She looked at him through weary eyes, her breathing slow.
“Please don’t leave me… I can’t… I don’t want to be alone.”
“You will never truly be alone. You are my beautiful warrior–”
Her chest shook as her eyes closed. Sylus collapsed beside her, his body shaking as he sobbed. He forced himself to sit up and run his hands along her face, her scales rough and shattered. He rested his forehead against her, the pain of his new horns and tail mingling with his heart breaking.
Then he heard it, shouts in the distance. He looked over the ledge and saw the humans. They were climbing the mountain towards him. They had seen his mothers body, he had to hide. He looked up at the cave entrance. He picked up the dagger before digging his claws into the rock and pulling himself up.
“I see movement!”
Sylus swore under his breath, they’d seen him. He hauled himself up the mountain and rolled into the entrance to the cave. He stood and raced to the furthest corner, searching for a way out or a hole he could hide in. There was nothing. The shouts were getting closer now. He looked down at the blade in his hand. He looked down at his tail. It felt foreign to him, like it didn’t belong, like it wasn’t meant for him. Maybe it wasn’t….
He didn’t have time to talk himself out of it or think up another plan. He wanted to live.
He pressed the dagger against the base of his horn, the cool metal made him shiver. He grit his teeth, a sob breaking free as he began to cut. The horn came loose and he held it in his hands. He threw it to the other side of the cave and began on the other horn. The pain was almost too much to bear. The horn fell away and blood trickled down his face. The stream poured into his eye and he blinked away the sting, but not before feeling a strange warmth spread through his mind.
He heard the sound of blades and more shouts. They’d reached his mother. He held his breath to stop himself from screaming in anger.
He blinked back more tears as he placed the blade under his tail. Bracing himself against the wall of the cave he sank down. His tail fell away and Sylus collapsed. He crawled to the opposite corner of the cave, leaving a blood trail behind him. He pulled his legs to his chest, his heart aching, his skin stinging, his eyes burning. The shouts are right outside the cave now. He didn’t have any strength left, if this was it, he couldn’t stop it. He felt an inexplicable exhaustion take over and he slipped into darkness.
Her face. Bright, soft, sweet. The dress she wore. The dark fabric flowing and fluttering in the wind. She held red datura flowers. She reached out a hand, a flower held between her delicate fingers. Sylus felt a subtle touch, as if the flower was tucked into his hair. And then darkness, once again.
Sylus opened his eyes slowly, the room spinning around him as he woke. He stared at the blank ceiling above him, a faint scent of herbs wafting through the air. He turned his head to see a man crouched next to a small fire, mixing something in a cauldron. Sylus coughed. The man looked up and gave him a small smile. He scooped something into a wooden bowl before approaching Sylus.
Sylus tried to sit up, a combination of fear and curiosity settled over him. The man offered him the bowl with a wooden spoon. Sylus cautiously took it.
“Root soup, it’s not much, but it’s all we’ve had for the past few days. Should help with that cough too.”
The steam from the soup warmed his face. He took a spoonful and sipped, the warm broth soothed his throat. He dropped the spoon onto the blanket beneath him and tipped the bowl back taking large gulps. The man laughed.
“You’ve been asleep for two days, I figured you would be pretty hungry. There’s plenty left.”
Sylus finished the soup before looking over at the man properly for the first time. He shifted uncomfortably, his back still tender.
“Where am I?”
“You’re with Judicator’s finest - his dragon slaying army! We are a day's journey away from the city.”
“The city?”
“Ivory City! You must be from a neighboring village, taken by those beasts. It’s good we found you when we did. Seems you fought off the beast and kept yourself from being a meal! The Judicator was impressed.”
Sylus clenched his fist. They’re calling his mother a beast. They think he killed her? That he is human? He suddenly reached up to his head, but felt no horns, only fabric.
“Your head was bleeding pretty bad when we found you. A doctor in the city will get a better look at you tomorrow. For now, the bleeding stopped.”
The man took the bowl from Sylus and returned to the cauldron to ladle in more soup. Sylus heard blades clash outside and the faint sounds of hooves against gravel in the distance. He realized they’re in a tent. He’s surrounded by humans. The humans that killed his kin. Who killed his mother. A heat rages beneath his skin, his chest heaving. Sylus closed his eyes to calm himself.
“More soup?”
Sylus opened his eyes and took the bowl eagerly. He sipped slowly this time, still not bothering with the spoon. He took in the man’s features. Old, black hair speckled with white, a long beard, silver armor, a long sword hung at his hip. He wondered if all the men in this camp had weapons like that. Sylus straightened his back, becoming acutely aware of how defenseless he was. No weapons to defend himself. No wings to escape.
“Thank you.”
The man nodded.
“I must report to the Judicator, he wanted to know when you woke up. Get some more rest or explore the camp, but don’t go far.”
With that, the man left. Sylus set the bowl down and reached behind him to feel the base of his spine. The skin is tender, but no tail. He felt his head one more, the skin smooth where the horns once were. He sighed in relief. They thought he was human, maybe he had a chance.
Sylus spotted a set of clothes in the corner of the room. He stood and held up the clothing before him. They appeared to be his size and made of quality fabric. Much better than what he could find to clothe himself in years past. He stripped off his dirty clothing and pulled on the black pants and sleeveless tunic. The pants were a few sizes too big, but the buckles on the waist secured them nicely. He stepped out of the tent and squinted against the setting sun. At least a hundred men are camped here. There are dozens of tents propped up across the field and horses grazed nearby.
He strolled through the camp, taking in the humans gathered around campfires. Like his kin, they varied in appearance greatly. Some tall, some short, some thin, some wide. Some with hair on their face or no hair at all. He rubbed a hand along his jaw, feeling no hair, only the ridge of the patch of scales that ran up his neck toward his ear. He covered the scales with his hand, panic settling over him as he wondered what the humans thought of his scales.
Sylus quickly ran to a stream just on the outskirts of the camp. He crouched and looked for his reflection in the water. The moonlight lit up his face, making his silver hair glow. The water settled and he gasped at his reflection. He appeared… normal. He looked like all the other men in the camp. He ran a finger along the scales on his chest, feeling their rough texture, but seeing nothing but smooth skin. He lifted his hands, his talons appeared to be replaced by slender fingers. When his gaze returned to his face, he saw himself smiling.
“I look like them?” Sylus whispered.
For the first time in his life, he wasn’t sad or angry about his appearance. He’d wanted horns, a tail and wings for as long as he could remember. But now, he was surrounded by creatures that looked like him. And his “curse” had, somehow, masked the remaining features that set him apart. He leaned back on his heels and looked up to the moon.
“What do I do now?”
His heart ached. Could he really stay with these humans? The ones who killed his own mother? Learn to live like them? Embrace his appearance and suppress his draconic desires? He stood up and walked further from camp, toward the steep slope leading back into the valley he had called home his entire life. As he gazed out over the horizon, he saw a flicker of firelight, the faintest hint of smoke rising into the sky.
“We burned the bodies. We didn't want to risk some kind of filthy disease washing its way into the rivers and streams as they decayed.”
A deep voice rang out behind him. Sylus flinched.
“Didn’t mean to frighten you, young man. I was concerned when I didn’t find you in your tent.”
“I’m sorry, I just… I wanted to take a walk. I didn’t know…”
“It’s perfectly fine. I was surprised you strayed so far from camp. Given all that you’ve been through.”
Sylus nodded. He wrapped his arms around himself, suddenly feeling cold and uncertain in the man's presence.
“I’ve built my army to fight even the most foul of beasts. You’re safe now.”
Sylus looked back to the valley. This man must be the Judicator, the one who started all of this. Who started the war against his kind. Sylus had a thousand questions, questions he never thought he’d get the answer to, let alone ask. But one gnawed at him and he couldn’t stop himself.
“Why?”
The man walked up beside Sylus, looking over at him with a brow raised in confusion.
“Why did you want the dragons gone?”
The man laughed, his voice deep and cruel. He slapped Sylus on the shoulder. Sylus bit his tongue to avoid saying something he would regret.
“Because those beasts only know one thing. Desire. And desire leads to corruption and greed. They were evil and it was my duty to rid these lands of their kind. I am proud of what I’ve accomplished.There are no dragons left to destroy the souls of my people.”
Sylus felt his chest tighten, his anger and disgust making it hard for him to breathe. His heart felt like it was breaking yet again. The pressure behind his eyes building as he pinched them closed. His eyes flew open when he felt a familiar twinge of pain tickle his scalp.
“Why do you ask boy? Did they fill your head with their lies?”
The pain was so intense Sylus couldn’t speak. Fear paralysed him. He silently prayed to the only one he ever believed in.
Mother, please. Don’t let them come back. Please…
But it was too late. He felt the flesh of his scalp split open once again and his body shook. He fell to the ground with his head in his hands. The man beside him lurched backwards, watching in horror as Sylus transformed. Sylus heard the footsteps of several men run toward them. His spine extended, his tail sweeping across the ground, knocking the Judicator off his feet.
“He’s a beast!” “How can this be?” “Is he a dragon?” “He doesn’t look like one, but he has horns! And a tail!” “He’s a horror!”
The Judicator stood over Sylus, peering down at his slumped form. He unsheathed his blade and kicked Sylus over onto his back.
Sylus groaned in pain, his tail coiling around him in a weak attempt to protect himself. He held his hands out, tears stinging his eyes as he tried to steady his breathing to speak.
“Please… don’t…”
“You disguise yourself and lie your way into our camp?! You intended to destroy our city! You foul creature!”
Sylus tried to crawl away from the crowd now gathering around him. His elbows sunk into the mud and his heels scrambling to gain traction. Other men were retrieving their weapons. Sylus gathered his remaining strength to dig his heels in and straighten his back, his legs shook as he stood. His hands still in front of him, shaking his head as he backed away from the men.
“We will not be fooled by you! You are a fiend. An evil, vile creature! You will not corrupt our souls!”
The Judicator lunged forward, Sylus reached out to try to stop the blade, but the man was too fast. His blade pierced Sylus’s chest. Sylus held the blade, as he stared into the eyes of the Judicator, the man sneered, pleased to see the fear in Sylus’s eyes.
Sylus gasped, the tears in his eyes spilled over, mixing with the dirt and blood across his face. He placed a foot behind him, trying to steady himself, but his tail swiped at the crowd viciously. Men went flying and some tumbled over the edge of the cliff into the valley below.
“Stop him!” The men shouted as they rushed towards Sylus.
In a flash, a dozen swords were thrust toward him. Sylus felt every jab, his body weakening with every blow. The Judicator stood before him, watching his men attack the dragon boy. A prideful smile plastered on his face. Sylus kept his eyes trained on the man, he became numb to the pain, only feeling his body being shoved.
Sylus fell to his knees, his hands crashing to the ground before him. He looked down to see half a dozen blades pierced through his chest. A sob broke free from his ravaged chest. He saw boots before him, the Judicators booming voice louder than his men's victory chants.
“The final dragon has been slain.”
He bent down and took the hilt of his sword, placing a foot on Sylus’s chest to gain leverage, he yanked the sword free kicking Sylus backward. Sylus tumbled backwards, his foot caught the edge of the cliff. He didn’t try to stop himself from falling, he closed his eyes as the wind howled in his ears. He felt the rocks of the cliffside against his back, his legs, his arms, his face as he rolled. The blades dislodged themselves and clanged against the rocks as they fell with him.
Sylus hit the rocky base of the valley with a brutal thud, the metallic clinks of the swords falling all around him. He had no strength left. He forced his eyes open when he heard the sound of shouts above him. Men poured over the side of the cliff, making their way down using rope, some swinging from rock to rock. Their quick descent stirred something in Sylus.
He was familiar with rage, but this was different. The pain his body felt transformed into something white hot. His legs burned as he stood. He stared up at the men climbing down to him. His right eye watered, it stung with every blink. Sylus wiped at his eye, but felt no tears. His vision darkened as his chest shook with something akin to laughter. Then everything went dark.
Her face, once again. Framed with silky strands of white hair. Her hand. Clutched a weapon of some kind. A sword? A faint golden glow swirled around her fingers and arm as she lifted the blade. Sylus felt the same searing pain in his chest. Blood splattered across her skin. Tears fell from her eyes.
“Sylus…” She whispered.
A gust of cold air swept across his face and he shivered in response. His eyes fluttered open, a blue sky filled with soft white clouds floating above him. Beams of sunlight broke through the clouds and shone down upon him. He felt the warmth and took a deep breath, that’s when he felt it, the pain. He lifted his head to see the wounds scattered across his body. He sat up, clutching his chest as he looked around.
Bodies surround him, men he saw at the camp. Sylus crawled to a boulder and used it to help him stand. Did he do this? How? And why did he feel so free and happy at the sight? A laugh bubbled up through his throat, catching him by surprise. The memory of his mother teaching him about the ancient dragon curse flooded his mind. Rage. Anger. Hatred. Something stronger. It took over and now…
Sylus walked further into the valley. He looked down to see a black red mist swirling toward him from the corpses. The mist felt refreshing, like a burst of cool air on a hot summer day. The mist swirled around his tail, up his spine to his horns, across his face and down his arms before funneling into his chest. The wound the Judicators sword had created glowed. He felt the wound close, but what replaced the flesh is bright like a ruby. The other wounds closed and his strength slowly returned as the mist continued to swirl around him.
With his wounds healed he felt the tension in his back grow. He hunched over and lurched forward, bracing his hands against the cliffside. The skin of his back split open, the pressure finally released and Sylus threw his head back letting out a roar. Crimson wings burst forth from the wounds. They stretch outwards, the breeze dusting over the newly exposed flesh. Sylus' chest heaved as he looked over his shoulder at his wings. He has wings. Wings.
He stood up straight. His tail swayed and his wings fluttered, eager to take flight. He hadn’t seen the Judicator among the bodies. He also hadn’t seen that girl. He didn’t know why he dreamt of her, but he’d seen her twice. She wasn’t there. Who was she?
He clenched his fists and closed his eyes, shaking the image of her from his mind.
“If humans want a monster, they’ll get one.”
Sylus took a breath and flapped his wings hard, allowing instinct to take over.It was a foreign sensation, but as soon as his feet left the ground he sighed. Years of wishing to fly and here he is, flying over a valley filled with bodies.
He soared over the valley and towards the fields he had visited so often as a child. Tears sting his eyes as he lowered himself to the ground. He sat among the datura flowers, most withering in the summer heat. He picked one up and held it between his claws, allowing the tears to finally fall as he mourned the loss of his kin, his mother and the person he was. Only the monster remained.
“You were right. That is a sad story.”
Her words are slurred, fatigue finally winning the war. Sylus shifts slowly and leans towards her, lifting his hand to gently brush the hair out of her face.
“Is that really the end? Who was the girl? Did he find that judi-ma-cator guy?”
Sylus chuckles under his breath. His thumb moves to her cheek, stroking her soft skin. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was slow and steady. She was nearly asleep.
“He did find the Judicator. And the girl… she was very important to him. The most important actually. But that’s a story for another time. Sleep. I’ll turn out the light.”
She lifts her hand to cover his, trapping it over her face.
“Wait.”
She stares up at him, her tired eyes glistening.
“At least tell me if he had a happy ending?”
Sylus gently removes her hand from over his. He pulls the blanket up over her shoulders and leans over to press a kiss to her temple. She closes her eyes once more, finally letting sleep take her. He smiles as he takes in her delicate features. He carefully stands and turns off the lamp beside the bed. He strolls to the door, but turns back to look at her before leaving.
“His story isn’t over yet.” He whispers.
He opens the door and gently closes it behind him, leaving his beloved to sleep peacefully.
Tag List (comment if you wanna be added!): @trishiepo0 @not-so-quite-human @kitsunetori @babyx91 @libriomancer @lilyadora @crowskitten22
AN: I have no idea if this will be allowed to compete because it is pretty intense, but I wanted to write this regardless. I always crave the boys POV so this was a must. I hope you guys like it - and cry with me... If you want to give the X post some love, it's linked below.
X Post: (posting now)
#love and deepspace#sylus (love and deepspace)#lads sylus#lnds sylus#love and deepspace sylus#l&ds sylus#qin che#sylus love and deepspace#sylus qin#sylus#sylus myth#lads#lnds#Where Drakeshadows Fall#abysm sovereign#love and deepspace fanfic#dragon sylus#sylus fanfic#sylus fanfiction
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Okay, now that video makes me feel even more uncomfortable with his silence on those issues.
Because, by contrast, I remember this interview:
GAY TIMES: There will be a few homophobic haters out there, people who think a queer storyline is outlandish in a world of basilisks, dopplers and chernobogs. We saw this recently with The Last of Us. Is this something you’re anticipating or are you not entertaining all of that anti-LGBTQ+ tomfoolery?
Joey: In this fandom, there is a very vocal negative space. That vocal negative space is actually the minority, I think. The thing that I’m most concerned about and will do my best to counteract is when discourse becomes bigotry. Then, I don’t know what I’d do with myself. I think I’d log onto Twitter and battle them all off myself. There is going to be inevitable backlash but what we’re doing is worth it.
https://www.gaytimes.com/originals/the-witcher-joey-batey-hugh-skinner-queer-interview/
So, it's unlikely that he's unaware of the presence of those toxic fans, when other co-stars are very aware of it, and ready to state that bigotry directed at others is never okay.
Although, I should mention that this interview (the video you showed) seems to have been done in Season 1 (if we look at the clips they are playing).
And Cavill seems to have understood the question as meaning how does he feel about people seeing his own interpretation of the character in a negative light.
I'd be curious about how he'd answer if someone asked him about it today; while being explicit about them specifically referring to the toxic hatred that has been directed towards the way the female characters have been put front and center on the show, the diversity of the casting choices, and the decision that was made for Jaskier to be portrayed as a "personizer" rather than a "womanizer", so to speak.
Would he still attempt to go "well, you know, people are just passionate about it", or admit that "regardless of how passionate some of those fans may be, bigotry directed at specific groups of people, the cast, etc. like that is never okay."
Because I've met quite a few of those actually passionate fans he's referring to. People that genuinely love and prefer the game - as is their right - and might be sad and upset that Netflix chose to give priority to the books and their own vision / adaptation of the books rather than integrate more lore from the games into it.
They aren't toxic, and they aren't the ones going around bashing minorities and making it some huge morality issue about how the show is not respecting the BOOKS' integrity, and SAPKOWSKI's vision, while clearly defending elements only found in the games (falsely claiming that it belongs to the book), and holding sexist, racist, queerphobic and even ableist remarks.
When we are talking about toxic fans, we are talking about toxic fans. Not passionate and disappointed ones!
Those are two very different categories!
Do toxic fans still have the right to their sexist, racist queerphobic and ableist opinions? Yes. But people that stand against those harmful views have a certain responsibility to clearly state "treating others the way you do is wrong, I don't agree with it, and I'm opposed to it."
And this is where having an influential actor - whose voice is constantly being misused by those toxic fans - remaining silent about it, gets very close to endorsing those views, especially if in the past Cavill has basically said that "it's not toxic, it's just passionate".
Like okay, maybe in Season 1 most were still "just passionate" for the most part, as it hadn't yet been made entirely clear what the direction of the show was going to be (and how much importance Ciri, Yennefer, Francesca, etc. would have in it).
But you've still got that very vocal negative space that has since grown, and that now see Cavill as their "champion of the manosphere", that are absolutely awful online, and feel validated by their Geralt of Rivia's silence.
If you look at 1:28:15, Henry does show support for his main co-star's performances, but he does so by suggesting that their characters tend to be oversimplified. Which is technically okay, because he's entitled to be dissatisfied with the show's writers interpretation of certain characters.
But again, that dissatisfaction is still indirectly suggested rather than stated.
But suggested in such a way where he has the "courtesy" of making his co-stars appear like victims/hostages of a show that is "oversimplifying characters" (a.k.a. failing the source material™), so they can almost be seen like THEY are too afraid to speak out against the "big bads" because they need the money and the job.
So it does sadly make that very vocal negative minority feel validated in their interpretation of Cavill having left because the show was "becoming too woke", etc.
He did also wish Liam Hemsworth well, and the little of what he's ever clearly stated has always praised his co-stars (the main ones, at least).
But, at some point if you've been made aware that you've got the freaking manosphere worshipping you, where does it become your responsibility to say "I know these men interpret my behavior as saying I support their bigoted views and frustrations with the diversity of the cast and the place given to women on the show, but I don't."
The thing also is that, even if he was to say something now , would these people then invent some story about him having been threatened by Netflix with legal actions for standing for his beliefs, etc.?
They've created such a persona for him, that would they even be willing to believe that he's not the alpha male anti-woke dudebro they believe him to be?
But, at the very least, he'd be standing for what's right, rather than looking like he's willing to sell his soul to the devil if that means staying on top.
So, my own personal perception of him?
Somewhere between A and B.
I don't blame him. I don't hate him.
Self-preservation is human.
He's not publicly nor explicitly endorsing those toxic views.
But I can't help but feel like he lacks the courage to do anything against it, because he'd rather prioritize his own popularity and safety above doing the right thing.
Taking a stand against bullies means risking having them turn against you.
And Cavill has often spoken about having been bullied and called "fat Cavill" as a child.
What is sad about that tale, is that the way he says it, you get the sense that instead of having learned to be proud of being fat as a child, and realised that those people were just assholes, he "won" and "showed them" by working and training hard to achieve the standards of physical beauty that those bullies likely held in high regards.
And some people do protect themselves from bullies by allowing them to think that they are on their side (even if they aren't).
As much as he wants to be Superman in real life, I still see him as a child that never outgrew being a victim in a sense, and that will still want to protect himself by avoiding to provoke aggression from bullies directed towards him.
He might secretly agree with certain sexist views of society (A), but I've a feeling that a huge chunk of the issue is closer to (B).
Not because he's got a narcissistic personality disorder per se (he hasn't raised any clear enough red flags for me to diagnose something like that from him), but he would rather have the monsters "on his side", than become the target of their ire, and continue to reap the benefits in terms of them supporting his career.
He's human, not Superman. Humans are messy and scared and sometimes self-serving in the choices they make.
I don't blame him, but I'm not comfortable with the way he's chosen to handle those toxic fans, and I don't support his methods, either.
And even there, all I know from him is the little I've heard and seen in interviews. It's highly likely that his motivations for not saying anything are even more complex than I can imagine.
I've been thinking about The Witcher books and tv show recently. Because half of the things that make Geralt seem cool and edgy in the show just don't exist in the books.
In the show he's always so stoic. Most of his exposition has to be told by side characters implying things and you just have to gage his reaction to decide if it's true or not. In the books however, he gives a full lore dump to anyone who's remotely nice to him.
Random Character: So how've you been?
Show Geralt: Hmmmm.... 😒 😔 😒...
Book Geralt: Terrible actually, thank you for asking. Monster hunting is dying out and I have zero transferable skills. Yennifer's left me again and Jaskier's off god knows where. Overall I suppose it could be worse, but that's the life or a Witcher. Also, my perfectly good leather jacket got ruined in a fight the day after I bought it :(
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Guys…..what if I must skip mavuika 😔
#riv rambles#don’t speak to me I’m actually so sad but#if wrio is 5.4 like they speculate#which#idk how true it is atp#but if he is#I need to skip mavuika ☹️#which don’t archons usually rerun once before the nation ends?#she should rerun in a bit no?#idk someone help me decide 😔
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god i cannot wait to be off these steroids…
#marzi speaks#marzivents#<- it’s late n i’m kinda pent up abt this#i’m so TIRED of themmmm#i’m probs gonna be on them for the rest of the year. which SUCKSSS#i don’t like how many ppl comment on the moon face#i don’t mind it. like i look in a mirror and i’m okay.#it’s a little weird. but like. just because it’s different. like getting used to a new haircut#but every time i see someone for the first time in a bit it’s ‘woah your face got rounder’#and i have to go ‘oh yeah it’s water retention- steroids thing it’ll go away when i’m able to go off ‘em’#and they go ‘oh alright :) you still look good btw don’t worry’#and i just. i HATE how people talk about it!! like jfc. it’s so clear that they think it’s like kinda sad#my dad said he thinks it’s cute and he’s the only one i actually think is telling the truth there#my mom and i agree that it doesn’t matter. but even then she tries to tell me not to panic#like a little extra squish in my face is something to panic over#it’s so clear that so many people see it as another thing to pity#oh poor thing. has that chronic illness for the rest of her life. and the steroids made her jaw look rounder :(#like jfc i knew fatphobia was prevalent but come the fuck on. literally i’m like barely retaining water for steroids too#like. i’m still very much skinny (i JUST finished being malnourished ffs) but bc i’m retaining water in my face#now ppl feel the need to comfort me. over this tiny cosmetic thing that does not matter#like. i wouldn’t feel weird abt it if it weren’t for everyone else making it such a THING. why is everyone so weird about it#i’m not insecure about it but when ppl try to comfort me or go ‘it’s not that bad’ it makes me feel like i’m SUPPOSED to be insecure abt it#and it drives me NUTS. bc there are things about being on steroids that i would love to be comforted about#but the water retention is not one of them. i couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the water retention#y’know what i’d like to be comforted over? the mood swings. the irritability. the insomnia. the appetite fluctuation#the slow healing of skin. thinning and dryness in the skin. having to take like 3 other medications alongside the steroid#bc taking the steroid causes side effects that need to be medically treated or prevented#even outside of the steroid! i’d like some comfort about having to build back my stamina from scratch#i’d like some comfort about having the worst balance i’ve had in years#there’s. more to this. but i’m out of tags. maybe i’ll make some replies idk. i’m just. UGH
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Also yes I’m reading Babel by R F Kuang and I’m hooked I did not expect to get this invested as I’m not typically a fan of alt history or any period pieces but i feel like ive been to 19th century Oxford like I’m a dark academia blogger who ships lord Byron with Percy bysse Shelley. I’ve heard so many conflicting opinions on this book I know it’s very divisive but regardless of how I much I enjoy it once I finish at least I can impress my friends by reciting the etymologies of random words.
#I am learning so much my brain is swollen. I love linguistics but I don’t have the mind for it#I’ve tried many times via classes or on my own to learn other languages#from French to Japanese to Korean to German#and at this point I’ve just accepted I’m only going to be fluent in English#I took like 5 years of French between high school and college and I can understand most of what I read#but you want me to speak it or understand a native speaker?#it’s beyond me#I’m actually kind of sad now thinking about this. time to make dinner and cope.#babel an arcane history
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i didn’t get to go to any concerts this yr despite there being several i wanted to go to but couldn’t bc i wouldn’t be here when they were so i am excited that i already have tickets for 2 concerts next yr i love hearing the music i enjoy live so much and i haven’t gotten to go to enough concerts 😩
#michelle speaks#ive only been to 4 concerts it’s so sad 😔#the problem is that a lot of the artists i listen to either don’t put out new music or do & have had concerts recently when i wasn’t here#so now like there are no concerts for me to go to 😭 the way spotify clutches at straws to give me concert recommendations#like oh u listened to this artist one time u want to see them right??? 😭#also a lot of the artists i like tend to be openers & i’m not going to go to a concert just for the opener 😩#bc i listen to a lot of smaller artists so it’s like yes they’re playing but you’re actually paying to see someone you’ve never heard of.
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something on my mind rn. as you all know i’m a lesbian. applause from the audience. and sometimes it just gets to be like annoying when. well. so i have at least A friend who’s asked me several times over ‘so you don’t have Any attraction to men? like at all?’ and i know they’re not being like malicious but you know. that answer has not changed since like seventh grade. and in the same vein it just feels aggravating when i have the nerve to say Oh i think she seems like a lesbian. that’s giving dyke. etc. and to be met with ‘umm well maybe she actually does like men.’ like. first of all in personal conversations if i’m just saying shit chances are i’m just going off of patterns from my own life or other lesbians i know. i’m not here for Bi Erasure and i promise you in this context your attraction to men is not ever invalidated as much as my lack of it. esp in college with so many people talking about their dating/app experiences and etc it’s 99.9999% of the time about men and i just Can’t participate in that conversation which is yk not the end of the world but a bit isolating and even if i do contribute anything it just feels like… a slight Stiffening like. and even just getting brushed off with Well yeah but you’re not even into guys. like real! i still have eyes though. and esp when my attraction isn’t being celebrated and engaged with in the way theirs is it’s just really fucking lonely! and maybe that’s a gross inner voice of insecurity that i’m projecting onto them but like you must get what i mean right. there’s still this odd air specifically around people who Do Not engage with men at all. and if i do make any kind of joke or comment abt someone maybe just Not being into guys i’m made into the asshole who’s invalidating their experiences etc when like. i’m just saying shit man idk. and it’s like many of these people are bi and claim attraction to women but get so like uncomfortable actually talking about it. i don’t think i’m the one with problems! i think there’s still some internalized shit there. you know. anyway all this to say as much as we’ve had the conversation of invalidating bi attraction some of you need to think about not treating gay attraction as this secondary awkward weird elephant in the room. and on a more personal note on top of the Everything that was getting under my skin last night this was just a cherry on top where i was feeling soo… misunderstood and invalidated lol even tho again i largely think those friends were being very supportive and kind to me. this is just one thing i was like. 😐
#esp cause the other one literally pulled the. well idk a man would have to be like Perfect but id still hook up with one. yeah it could be#any woman literally but you know men aren’t totally out of the picture if they’re like. Actually the most attractive man ever and then#i could just pretend it’s not a man#… and you want me to act like that’s not a dyke thing to say. like ok#i didn’t say that to her face btw she can figure that out herself. but you get what i’m working with#it’s so frustrating and truly. once again. just isolating. cause as long as people claim they’re into men it’s like they have this in for#so much bonding that i will never access cause i don’t give a fuck about men. so it’s like yeah i get defensive#esp speaking about a situation in which someone behaved so egregiously homoerotically with me and displayed many signs of um. being gay#and then could just run off with her bf she didn’t even seem to be that attracted to. u can see where#as MUCH as it’s not my goddamn business. when i’m dragged into that it would absolutely get under my skin and of course i’d say some stupid#shit about her needing to accept lesbianism into her heart. lol#because unfortch. yeah. That still came up as part of this. as much as i’d like to just forget it and move on#she just somehow fucking comes up and now it’s not even me obsessively talking abt it. it’s like that situation just cannot leave me alone#for my peace of mind. it’s been months. and that’s also sad and fucked for me cause it’s like#as horrible as that was for my like self esteem and peace of mind. it’s the fucking Only thing i had going for me in a long ass time#and since it just worked so well i latched onto it yk. and i have to trust as i get more confident and move on in the world#i’ll attract better people and whatnot#but it’s like personally extremely lonely and then just feels like an added stupid layer when. it just feels so invalidated in a way. idk#like no i did not have a relationship that i can technically mourn i just had a weird connection with someone who wouldn’t admit even the#slightest attraction even if it was glaringly obvious. it just preys on this stupid fucking loneliness i feel too. and i KNOW i don’t need#to constantly validate that and whatever and none of my friends actually think i’m delusional#it’s just that. i need to get a grip and not cling to it. like just accept it for what it is and go on. and when it’s brought up at random#when i’m already in a stupid sensitive spot it’s hard. u know. and then also w these friends they’re not used to hyperbole so when i say#shit like well i hope they die. they’re like Omg! 🙀 and i’m like oh my god i don’t mean that literally like. hello#this whole thing was not about film girl but of course she made a silly little guest appearance. in conversation#which is just embarrassing for me. you know.#pisses me off that she can move on and probably act like nothing even happened meanwhile i was over here sobbing like i’d been through#a heartbreak. and i’m remembered as like obsessive silly goofy crazy for it. and i was. but damn i’ve taken accountability for it 😭#abby talks#long post
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It’s probably a good thing that my dad’s going with me to this show on Saturday solely because that’ll keep me from spilling my fucking guts out to Jesse Cash about how I heard Dreamcatcher on my discover weekly playlist in 2014 and between Erra and Ghost Atlas his music saved me when I was at my absolute lowest low if I manage to catch him at the merch table and really nobody wants that lmfao
#she speaks#listen my dad has heard the story and he knows#but I don’t like the sad look he gets on his face when I tell it so I don’t like to tell it in front of him#and like I don’t want him to worry about me because I’m definitely not in that place anymore#like I’m low right now and I have real low depressive episodes#but never ones quite that low#that one was bad#like real real bad#like that was almost it for me bad#and nobody knows that but tumblr lol and I’d like to keep it that way#cuz like I said I’m not in that place anymore and I don’t want anybody to worry about me when I’m really truly fine#and when I know that even if it feels like the world is ending I’ll be alright in the morning#and like I’m an adult and I’m perfectly capable of and willing to go to therapy when I need it lol#but I feel like if I were to actually get face to face with Jesse Cash without a buffer I would absolutely spill that fucking story in full#like even the stuff I haven’t said here lmao#and yeah nobody wants that including me 😂😂😂#anyway my dad’s my concert buddy so I’m always glad to have him with me ❤️
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i honestly don’t know if or when I’ll ever feel comfortable or wanted in any of the relationships I’m in
#whimsy whispers#and unfortunately my response to that is to panic and that usually results to me destroying/ruining relationships as a result#idk nothing feels secure everything is scary and I feel uncomfortable and like I shouldn’t be here#I feel like if people are speaking to me it’s out of pity or obligation and I just don’t want people to feel obligated to speak to me#no matter how much I want to be a part of peoples lives and for people to speak to me I want it to be because they want me and not because#they feel like they have to but idk if there’s any relationships where I feel like people reach out because they genuinely want to#but i know what i feel isn’t like indicative of peoples actual feelings I don’t know how other people feel about me I’m not them so#idk I’m sleepy and sad and just feel bad#feeling isn’t helped by the fact that my irl is in fact ignoring my existence again#l
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Yeah idk I guess I’m just gonna go back to just reblogging things idk. Not really too in the UTMV fandom anymore and I still can’t get many interactions.
#I still love Error and Fresh don’t get me wrong but like. that’s really all I care about now + I’m focused on other fandoms now#like Sparklecare and Pizza Tower#I tried the best I could here to get interactions#but people barely reblogged my art or sent asks/practiced reblog karma or anything#and not only that is kinda demotivating but the fact that the interactions basically came to a screeching halt bc one mutual had to leave#like. it was nice when I got interactions. but I’m kinda disappointed to see how they suddenly stopped because one person left it’s like. ok#and I don’t really know how or even if I can even bring them back. because I try to go out of my way to send asks n stuff#but like. I’ve rarely gotten it reciprocated#and it’s not always easy for me to answer asks because I’m slow at drawing#it’s also pretty disheartening to see how many meaningful interactions I’ve already gotten on Twitter when I haven’t even posted any of my a#art to Twitter yet but here I’ve been posting so much art and stuff and sending asks and everything but barely get anything.#in return.#like it’s just frustrating#why even bother with this anymore#like I’ll probably still occasionally post some of what I draw here but I think I might just switch to being mostly active on Twitter. which#is sad because I know how bad that place can get and I never wanted to move there in the first place#but art gets better traction and interactions there and people actually commission artists there#Ivy can speak
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guys how do i come out to my two christian roommates as an atheist please help
#they’ve invited me to so many of their church events#and talk to me about their church get togethers and Sunday service and what not#and i’m just here like… i have literally stepped in a church for religious reasons one time in my entire life#and it was for a baptism when i was like 8#otherwise i have never EVER done anything church related and i have zero interest in it#i’ve just been gently declining their invites but i feel like i actually need to tell them i’m an atheist 😭#the worst part is idek how they’d take it ajxisjxj like ALL of their friends and family are christian too it’s wild#whereas me? all of my friends and family are atheists like we have just lived two very different lives#i know this should not be a big deal at all but again they keep speaking to me as if i am also christian but like… no i am not friends#my one roommates was so sad that i don’t have family in the city to celebrate easter with and invited me to her church lunch and i was like#oh it’s okay… ahaha… don’t worry!!#i appreciate her being so kind and inviting me i really do but it’s just like this is not me!! my family hardly does easter so this is#just a weekend for me!! it’s okay!! i’m totally fine not doing stuff!!#talk time
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They call it better call Saul because you “SAUL” the show
#I’ve been watching bettercall Saul w my friends I’m really enjoying it#I haven’t watch breaky bad & I don’t intend to but my friends have so they just fill me in whenever context is needed 👍#but I like it jimmy is so funny & awesome & loser sad#I also can’t get over Howard for some reason he’s like devastatingly funny to me he’s hysterical for no reason he’s a fucking cartoon#character like he talks like a muppet movie villain he is literally always wearing the same outfit during jimmys trial when he said they#didn’t hire jimmy bc of nepotism concerns n Kim was like mhm & who’s the other Hamlin?& he had to sit there n be like My Daddy. hysterical.#for some reason also the way he looks & speaks after SPOILER ALERT Chuck dies is soooo funny to me it’s so bad but it Got me#he’s also so scary tho like every time he looks at someone he looks like he’s about to pounce on them he’s like a predator.#anyway the other night while trying to fall asleep I decided that his whole cartoon villain henchman vibe is actually high camp in a way#comparable to that post about Ben shapiro holding a piece of wood. which makes like 0 sense but it actually makes perfect sense#I literally don’t care about Howard or have like any strong feelings about him I just think he’s the funniest character ever ok sorry bye
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There’s a line that Emmanellian says early HW that I think about from time to time and I wonder if anyone else has thought similar…. When he introduces himself he emphasizes that’s he’s true born. I don’t doubt he’s done that a handful of times outside of the main story.
Let me preface with by no means do I believe he consciously made that comment to jab at Haurchefant. Not when time and time again he’s been shown to say things he hasn’t thought through which is just the beauty of his character as well as psyche. (I like to observe his mannerisms under a microscope) With that being said, after the events of the Vault I have to wonder, was there at any point he would remember when he would say things like that, remember his brother and just feel horrible. The saddest part is I know for a fact that if there were any instances were Haurchefant DID overhear comments like that, he’d forgive him in seconds flat. He’d say oh I know you truly didn’t meant it that way. Because he loves his brothers, his family.
And that doesn’t make Emmanellian feel any better about it even when he knows it to be true. Even when he knows Haurchefant would tell him not to mull so deeply over it, learn from this, move forward from it… and so on. He tries to, he really does but it’s hard. It’s disheartening. An intended to be innocuous comment in attempts to bolster his ego in front of others, to cover up his meek side… and that’s how it comes out. Insensitive. He has to live with that.
And I know he does. Tomfoolery aside, I know in my heart of hearts he does and tries to do so with some semblance of grace. It’s the least he can do, not only to honor his late brother, but for his own betterment.
#the ghoul speaks#I wanted to elaborate more but I’m sad and brain not functioning anymore#also fun fact I did not realize how much I loved Emmanellain until you see him take over camp dragonhead#I sobbed#like actually sobbed it made me so happy#and I cried again when artoirel’s npc was still around he talks about how it wasn’t easy to find someone fun the garrison#until Emmanellain spoke up that is..#he says it was then he knew he found his garrison leader#I WEPT#I don’t talk about the fortemp bros enough I should but I really love all them#I love edmont too even if I wanna kick him in the shin a lil bit#it’s lovingly I swear#stern but with love
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I want to go home
#real talk#personal#I’m just feeling really sad and a lone#I’ve been a lone in Mexico with only my mom#who is a child#and my grandma#who doesn’t kno how to communicate without being aggressive#and I miss my friends#I miss my cousins#I don’t speak Spanish so I can’t even make friends#I’m trying to learn Spanish but I keep having health issues on my lesson days#including days with my therapist#I’m trying so hard to stay positive#but I’m so lonely#I’m so tired#I just want to get on the right medication and go back to the ppl who actually give a shit about me#I just want my life back#I want to stay positive but Ngl I’ve been feeling that familiar suicidal ideation#chiz life#I just miss my people#I miss not being misgendered constantly#I’m just so FCKNG lonely all the time#and I hate complaining to my friends about it#bc I don’t want to bum them out#like I talk to 1/2 of them about this stuff sometimes#bUT ITS SO DEPRESSING ykno#like no one ever knows what to say#and then i feel bad#bc I’ve put them in this uncomfortable position where they feel like they have to be careful with their words#I just
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