#don’t mind me I’m just gonna theory dump

[revo-depresso]

THIS FUCK RIGHT HERE BEING AGENT 4 ⬇️

[cleminthewriter]

Mom says it's my turn to give the demon drugs

So context:

This was both inspired by this post and by the conversations I had with friends on discord. We joked up the concept of Clyde eating Alex's weed gummies cause i remember hearing somewhere it's fav candy was gummy bears. Ultimately, this lead to this 1.7k word fic being created. I hope everyone is in for a ride. It should be noted I've never been on weed, so there's probably some inaccuracies. Just pretend that cause of veldigun.

(nevermind the veldigun in canon can't get drunk or high but ssshh)

If there are issues involving boundaries, this will be deleted.

Tw for Drugs (weed)

--------------------------

By now, Alex knew what to expect the second they got home from work: Clyde getting up to some kind of mischief or somewhere sleeping (Depended on whether they had the night or day shift), all while a bunch of random hallucinations danced around like sugar plums on christmas. Usually the hallucinations were depicting the shadows of kids, that weird ghost they disguised themself as, or a being that looked like it and a larger being Alex had theories on being that “partner” it’s looking for.

What Alex did not expect was a thousand, pretty much shapeless, hallucinations in bright, neon colors, which were spinning around the living room as if it were a planetarium. In the middle of it all, laying upside down in a pile of blankets, cushions, pillows and other such soft looking material that Alex could tell came from around the house, was Clyde, who had a thousand yard stare as it’s many different voices muttered things Alex couldn’t even vaguely understand.

Ok, so something was up with Clyde. Now the question was what.

Alex’s first thought was it somehow a sort of seasonal behavior thing, like the hibernation it went through a few months ago. Alex was praying that this time they wouldn’t accidentally get dragged into it, but then they looked at the walls the hallucinations were projected to. Their shape suddenly reminded Alex of something: 

Gummy Bears.

Alex recalled Clyde talking about it’s love of Gummy Bears some time ago, but why was it the hallucination? Alex figured, perhaps since Clyde was in this zoned out space, asking might work. “Clyde?” Alex called to get it’s attention. To Alex's shock, instead of being ignored, Clyde whipped it’s head towards them so fast it could have given Alex themself whiplash. The two stared at each other for a few seconds (Clyde’s was intense and locked directly on to Alex, while Alex’s was filled with vague fear and too afraid to look anywhere else).

“ALEX!” Clyde yelled as they quick moved into a position Alex immediately recognized. They were just barely able to dodge before Clyde moved to ponce. “They’re gonna eat me. This is the moment. I’m dead.” Alex's panicked mind told them. They braced for a second, preparing for an attack.

But the only attack they got was Clyde word vomiting.

“Ohmysixareyouokareyouhurtwhydidyougetoutofthewayineededtoprotectyoulankmannandthecaretakerscouldcomeforyouandidontwantthemtotakeyouimeanimagineifyougothurtidontwantyoutogethurtialreadylostmypartnerandidontwanttoloseyouaswellyoumattersomuchandineedtokeepyousafecomeoneletsgetyouinthenest-” 

Alex slowly stopped bracing and stared at the veldigun, who was now standing over them with a large, thick blanket (the one they got from the white elephant game last christmas. They remember it so well since Roy stole the panini press grill they got first). “Clyde what-” is what Alex started to say before said large, thick blanket was thrown on top of them. They could feel Clyde grab them and pick them up in said blanket, before dumping them onto the pile.

“There, with this blacket I found now we don’t need to worry about touch. I can keep you safe right here, only I go out.” Clyde stated like it didn’t sound like they were keeping them hostage. “Great plan I know!”

Alex was able to get their head out of the pile right before Clyde laid directly on top of them. Alex hadn’t felt this much weight on them since college when they visited a friend and their great dane sat directly on top of them. Only this time it felt like there were now three. Apparently, while Alex had been thinking of this, Clyde had begun talking again.

“-I mean, today you were a whole half hour late getting home. A whole half hour. This must mean you are hiding something, like you're getting questioned. Of course, you’d be the type to panic and accidentally reveal something. So someone’s gotta protect you.” Ah, so being in a weird state doesn’t change the fact they like to sass ok. Alex stopped paying complete attention when they looked at the creature’s eyes. … When did they get so red?

“-and I do care about you, and I never want to ever see you hurt. I miss you everyday you leave. Today I just sat on your bed for an hour missing you. Sitting on your bed wasn’t too bad though. I found these gummy bears in the bedside table drawer and-”

“WAIT GUMMY BEARS?!?!” Alex interrupted Veldigun's rant, for a horrible, terrible, completely awful realization came to Alex’s head. Clyde’s confusion only gave more fear to Alex.

“What about the gummies? Sure they tasted a little different from the usually gummy bears, and now i feel my ooze shifting around my entire body but I just assumed-”

“How many did you eat?” Alex firmly questioned.

“...I don’t know… Thirty-teen? I saved some cause I felt bad about eating all of them from you. That's a funny thing you do to me Alex, I feel bad doing “Mean” st-”

“Oh fuck…” Alex whispered. That horrible, terrible, completely awful realization has now grown thirty-teen times worse. Clyde still looked at them confused, before getting distracted and looking at one of the hallucinations.

“Haha, that one looks like a bear in a banan-” “Clyde those were my edibles.” Alex uttered in fear. “Your High. On Drugs. Weed.”

Clyde stopped and stared directly at Alex’s face. It seemed to contemplate things, or maybe it was pulling memories from some other they ate, looking for anyone who it ate that has eaten edibles. (Alex made a worthless attempt to escape the pile of blankets and other soft things while Clyde was in this state of thinking.)

“Why didn’t you label it?” Clyde questioned with an attitude.

“I don't know, it‘s in a personal location people shouldn’t be going though. Why were you looking in my bedside table?” Alex sassed back. 

“It was open!”

“Sure, sure. Can I leave-”

“NO!” it yelled as it wrapped its arms around the soft items pile it trapped Alex in. When Alex shut up, it looked them directly in the eyes.

“The caretakers, they probably know I’m here. They’re gonna tell Lankmann and then he’ll take you from me. You’ll be hurt and mistreated, and I’ll be alone and by myself again. I don’t want to lose you. I really don’t. But now if I keep you right here in this amazing nest I made, you’ll be nice and safe and warm and-” Clyde continued it’s rant on the importance of keeping Alex safe and protected from the terrible foundation. Alex listened intently to the veldigun; if they could’ve, they would have placed a hand on it’s cheek for comfort. 

The rant came to a pause as Clyde began pointing out the different hallucinations, and Alex decided to finally say something.

“Clyde, I had no idea you cared that much. I find it awfully sweet, however, you know I can’t stay in this… nest.” Alex softly explained. Clyde just gave it puppy dog eyes (how and when could it do that) as it started to cuddle.

Most likely, all this was because of weed, and not genuine. So while Alex was touched by it saying it cared about them, Alex should probably find some kind of distraction to get Clyde away from these thoughts until the high ended.

Luckily, they had a TV with a VHS player and some tapes in a cabinet on the other side of the room. Now to get Clyde off.

“Hey Clyde, since you don’t want me to leave the pile, what if you got some Non-Editable snacks for us to eat? I’m sure we’re both incredibly hungry.” Alex offered. Lucky for them, Clyde perked up at the mention of snacks. 

“I can do that! Can’t protect you if you're hungry!” it exclaimed as it got up and trotted to the kitchen, brightly colored hallucinations leaving with it.

Now was Alex’s turn to move.

They quickly (and quietly) escaped from the nest and snuck over to their VHS cabinet. Inside were a bunch of different video tapes, all Alex needed were some good videos with pretty colors and silly voices, preferably horror for Clyde. Alex was perfectly aware they had very little time to choose, and they had to act fast.

They began going through a rapid pace, trying to find the perfect one for Clyde to watch. From the kitchen, Alex could hear it go though cabinets for food. They also heard the dishwasher going off. Alex was now going to ignore the sounds coming from the kitchen. This was for the sake of sanity.

Alex, who noticed some of the bright colors returning to the room, eventually told themself “screw it” and grabbed a random tape. They removed it from the slip case, and inserted it right into the player as soon as they started to hear footsteps approach the living room. Right as Alex hit the play button, Clyde entered the room.

“What the hell Alex, get back in the-”

“La la la la, La la la la, Elmo’s world!”

…And Alex came to the horrible realization they inserted one of the joke gift they ended up with from the white elephant game two years ago: six vhs tapes of Sesame Street (remembered cause Lauren admitted it was just to get rid of old tapes her kids didn’t watch anymore). Alex thought they grabbed at least something scary, like Critters, cause they knew that was something Clyde would enjoy. But goddamn Sesame Street? This was a wild card. Clyde could either be unimpressed or decided “fuck it, they die”.

But surprisingly, neither happened. In fact, Clyde seemed to get… entranced by the show. Alex moved away from the TV so Clyde could get a better look. Said veldigun sat on the nest, putting down the “snacks” (Alex was pretty sure it brought back some dish soap, a sponge and what looked like all 5 bags of sandwich bread) it got, and just watched the show. Alex observed for a minute before also joining in on watching Sesame Street.

The rest of the night was spent in this way, just watching those tapes of Sesame Street. They’d occasionally joke and chat, but it was mostly quiet from that moment on. It was quite nice. Soon, both would pass out from sheer exhaustion, Clyde would finally be sober from weed and deny remembering anything from that night (Alex couldn’t tell if it was lying or had genuinely greened out from gummies), and Alex won’t make mention of this night to it. 

But right now, they were just a human and a veldigun, one high as a kite, and just chilling watching some puppets sing.

[renjibozo]

a coherent (probably not) thought dump about the new buddy daddies PV 3 (and additionally, PV 2)

because i'm sitting crying and need people to hear what i'm thinking about this PV i am brocken

edit: we’re making a few edits because i realized PV 2 exists and now i need to revise some parts so i don’t look like an utter clown next week (and please don’t trust me 100% with translations i’m using my very limited knowledge)

ok so starting off with this from PV 3, you can hear miri telling rei something along the lines of "Papa Rei! Get home quick, 'kay? Because today's!" before it just cuts to the next voice line

a birthday mayhaps? it might be miri’s birthday, it might be rei’s birthday, or it might be kazuki’s birthday and they’re preparing a surprise. unless it’s something else then literally please ignore this entire section

in PV 2, you can see her wearing a party hat along with streamers strung up behind her off to the side + another party hat at the corner of the screen

this means there IS a birthday (like i thought earlier before the edit) and it’s rei’s because kazuki is in the same room as miri while they’re talking

“Papa Rei looks lonely sometimes...” - Miri “Isn’t that guy just always grumpy?” - Kazuki

moving on, kazuki saying something along the lines of "I don't like this season/weather..." and a shot of a drawer opened to reveal a polaroid in the middle of many many knickknacks

judging by one of the shots in the opening,

his wife probably died in the rain and we're getting more information about the incident because it's been hinted at in the early episodes before it became parenting focused

and adding onto this because of a nice person in the replies!

the building behind him looks exactly like aozora daycare, just not sure if its the front or back (maybe the front bc of the hint of a blue gate beside him) but there doesn’t seem to be bushes planted anywhere near the spot where you can see the hydrangeas, so maybe it got planted a while later?

considering the clothes he’s wearing, this has to be before the dinner scene and is what leads up to it... the connections are getting stronger

you cannot convince me that this isn't rei's brother and that he isn't the favorite child

even rei (as seen from a flashback) couldn't call his father "dad" and that he should refer to him as "boss", but then there's this guy fighting him that calls rei's father as "father"

and something something about "Didn't Father tell you to return to the organization?" which implies he escaped the organization and got hired by kyutaro somehow

how he managed to get an apartment? i'll probably just say kyutaro did it i have no idea if he can even make forgeries like kazuki does

additionally: in PV2 you can see more of the gunfight between who i assume to be rei’s brother (older or younger? who knows)

and i assume this is set while miri and kazuki are waiting for rei to come back because it’s his birthday and they set up a nice surprise party for him, so, hoping he hurries back home because he can’t just stand them up like that on his own birthday

OK. NOW. THE SCENE THAT SPAWNED THIS ENTIRE POST.

there must've been some kind of falling out between rei + miri and kazuki because he was screaming "I'm... not your housekeeper!" during dinner

i'm suspecting that they finally got on his nerves if they never pick up after themselves properly or just the small stuff piled up onto kazuki and he had enough despite usually not really minding the fact that he has to do most if not all of the house chores

but another theory i have is that the scene with the photograph is connected and because of the stress, it leads up to him taking it out on rei and miri. i'm distraught i don't want to see this episode but i have to. mfs gonna have a sk8 episode 7 situation and i'm powerless to stop it

already saw a post or two about this one and i also hope it's just a red herring but judging by the shirt that rei has on which is different from the shirt he wears inside the house in earlier episodes, this was probably right after kazuki's meltdown

maybe kazuki ran off somewhere? maybe miri tried following him and got sick in the process and rei had to come fetch her? i just wonder how desperate rei must've been to run to kyutaro for help even if he's not as wary about kyutaro like kazuki is

kyutaro's talking about something being a warning because the organization doesn't forgive something (possibly kazurei taking in miri and raising her)

this shot looks like it could've been a flashback from when his wife died because he was wearing a green shirt during the dinner scene

ignoring the crossed out line because it has to be during the birthday surprise episode because if it really was after kazuki’s meltdown, he has to have been wearing a green shirt. but in the scene where he’s standing in the rain looking a little roughed up, he’s wearing the same exact clothes as here

and then a shot of rei's father without the shadows mostly hiding his face from a flashback!

he's gonna be a major player in the second half and i am Not Here for it

bonus: i think karin's a spy tasked to idk infiltrate kazuki and rei's apartment and see what they're up to i just know she's gonna be a pain in the ass for them

that's all folks i just needed to get these out right now

[deedah]

A love letter to Murder Drones

Btw this is just a rambling about how I got into Murder Drones and how it has changed my view of the world, so if you don’t care then don’t read :3

(Also it’s gonna be lengthy and maybe a bit of trauma dump)

I also don’t expect @liamvickersanimation or @glitchproductions to use tumblr, and if they see this I will jump off a cliff lol

So, it started one day when I got the Murder Drones pilot in my recommended on YouTube. Buut I scrolled right passed it cause I didn’t really care about it then. A few nights later, round midnight, I saw the pilot again and caved. I then went to the playlist and watched the first 6 episodes. (This was a month after ep 6 came out)

I did fall in love w/ the style of the show, but I did not understand the plot.

so I watched the show again and again, and even watched theory vids on it. And when I tell you I bawled by eyes out when I watched the show again, got connected to the characters, I bawled by fuckin eyes out when V sacrificed herself.

While watching theories of MD, something clicked in my head and I decided that I wanted to do my own show as well.

but, I suck at creativity and can’t make up new things, just edit already made things. So I decided, if I can’t make my own stories, I would help other people make their stories.

in other words, I wanted to be an animator

after I got my mind in on the fact I wanted to be an animator, I had downloaded many, and I mean many animation apps on my drawing iPad, and tried to 2D animate.

now, I would call myself a shitty artist. I don’t know anatomy and I barely use references too.

so when 2D animation did not work for me, I almost gave up my dream to become an animator, and plus.. I didn’t even know where I wanted to work.

I didn’t want to work for Disney cause I don’t really like their stuff anymore, and dream works kinda fell off too (no offense to any fans of those people, I will respect your opinions)

So I gave up on my dream, and I checked glitch prod. for any new info for MD ep. 7. But, instead of anything Murder Drones a new show was on called The Amazing Digital Circus.

now, I absolutely did not care about some new show, I only wanted Murder drones. Then I caved again and watched TDAC. and I fell in love w/ it as well.

and TDAC brought by dream back up to become an animator. I decided that I wouldn’t work for DreamWorks or Disney,

I would work for Glitch Productions.

now, I have no idea if I’ll ever be able to work for them, but it would be an honor.

then ep. 7 dropped for MD, and I fell in love again with this episode. Especially Flesha. Her movements, her emotions, her flicker design! It was all just perfect!

So I started to look online for ways to become an animator, but not a 2D one.

My mom helped me find a program called Blender.

and yes, I still use Blender to this day

I then started to take lessons from YouTube vids online and once I got the hang of it, I started to look for models that I could pose.

now, I can’t animate good rn cause I have a very shitty laptop that can barely run one model at a time, but I’m still learning.

and then the finale for Murder drones finally comes out. And omfg I have no words

it’s peak perfection

again the characters felt so ALIVE! And FREE!

and it’s what I wanted to do! It’s still is! I want to animate characters that people love and make art or fanfics about.

so.. that’s the point of this “Love letter”

I just wanted to say.. Thank you Liam and Glitch for this amazing show that I and millions of people could be apart of. And I hope I’m able to meet you in person and maybe even work under you one day.

Again.. thank you @liamvickersanimation and @glitchproductions.

you brought be out of my shell and made me into a better person, I owe you a lot.

and with that.. goodnight

-love @deedah

[thenumber-e]

Wifeyyyyy! Tell me about Craig's sports Hobbies? Or Hobbies in general:3

ok feeling shitty rn so this’ll (hopefully) get my mind off of stuff

anyways oh boy there are SO many of these that i have this is gonna get long i think

starting off with sports, i feel like he’d be an active guy. not like gym bro buff craig kinda stuff you see, he’s definitely a lanky beanpole. but i feel like he does a few sports so has a bit of muscle

first off, basketball. i’m a truther for this one, i don’t see it a lot tho. like, i hc him as being pretty tall, and i don’t have much like canon advice to back this up but that and the fact that there’s a basketball in his garage in tsot- but i think it jus fits him tbh. and also because it’s funny, he’s a total fucking loser nerd, but since yk i’ve gotta stick to canon sometimes, he’s technically popular and attractive, he definitely has like a jock alter-ego or smth stupid like that LMAO

he definitely seems like a hockey guy. like- the enforcer is so him. he’d totally wanna beat people up just cus he can. also i think he’d be a really good skater- i think he’s a pretty well balanced person physically. also, i see kyle as doing hockey, and they’re definitely close. i just see them being friends making sense, so now theyll have a sport together. also- because im insane, ike does hockey too and kyle and craig help him practice

i believe i’ve seen this once, but yk. i always see boxer tweek and don’t get me wrong i love that, but i feel like craig would continue doing martial arts afterwards too. like he’s canonically a violent and angry guy, but he’s kinda mellowed out, and i feel like that’s him just holding it back or smth cus he gets in trouble alllll the time. tweek also probably scolds him for it. but i feel like it would be a good way for him to get out any extra emotions, because he is NOT good at expressing those. also, back onto lanky criag, he’s got long limbs, and i feel like that’s good for someone to do martial arts (trust me im projecting) also, that’s also why he has good balance i feel.

alright, done with sports, just normal hobbies.

starting off, he’s 100% a music guy. i see stuff about him preferring podcasts over music, but i see him as a total music guy. in @panicatthecourtx more recent posts, she kinda went over that stuff, but because yk, im the craig ceo i’ll go over it too. i call it dad rock cus thats what my dad listens to, but he definitely listens to nirvana, ac/dc, weezer, that kinda stuff. he’s just a nerd. but i feel like he’d also have music as a way to vent in some sort of way? idk if it makes sense this is just how my brain works, but when he’s stressed, overstimulated, or just down in the dumps he zones out and just listens to music. he’s also just a nerd

space, duh. he could go on and on about that shit for hours. he can make every constellation, am every galaxy, all the nebulas, and basically anything. especially black holes. they fascinate him, he finds them so interesting and yk. is a nerd about em. ik it doesn’t really tie in with space stuff but i’ll put it here, he definitely loves conspiracy theories, especially ones about aliens and stuff. he thinks of his own all the time. especially about other space related things. also, back to conspiracy, death absolutely fascinates him. he just want to know what happens after that.

this is a basic one, but sleeping. he’s the heaviest sleeper ever, literally sleeps 24 fuckin 7

he’ll never admit it, but he kinda likes school. not because he likes sitting around all day or listening to teachers drone on and on, it’s because usually he can talk about things. in classes he enjoys, it’s his favorite thing ever. i also see him as that one kid who literally never studies or pays attention and yet has all A’s in every class.

he’s 100% a reader. he can zone out and not lay attention to anything. he gets lost in books all the time and it’s so nerdy but he loves it. it’s almost like an escape from reality which he likes. he’d never admit it, but he frets stressed pretty easily so he enjoys the way to just be alone in his own world. this also ties in with the music hc- he probably listens to music while reading. he also just zones out a lot in general

this also kinda feeds into music headcanons but he skateboards. he just gives me 90s grunge/kurt cobain vibes and youll never change my mind on this. he thinks he’s so fuckin cool but he’s just some random ass lame kid but he gets away with it cus he’s mildly popular or whatever. but he definitely has a little mini skateboard for stripe

why do these headcanons keep feeding off of each other? i dont know but yk its ok. craig fucking loves mini things. it’s definitely iconic, cus my craig is really tall and has big ass hands. but small things remind him of tweek (my tweek is like 5’8 so compared to him yeah kinda short) but he’s just gay and loves anything and everything that reminds him of tweek

i’ve also realized i don’t need a really detailed description for everything so yeah uhh (don’t mind this it’s my train of thought)

he collects shit he has the most random stuff in his room. random lego pieces he found that he thought were cool, a shit tom of rocks, different leaves, little trinkets, anything space related, stickers, just stupid stuff. those are just the basics, but he has soooo much stuff

he loves making detailed lists and ordering them and stuff

going on hikes he loves hiking he just loves the outdoors tho

stargazing is a must. he loves it and has specific times and places for them

from like a singular scene in like on episode, he plays the fuckin violin cus he’s cool like that yk. because friends, he and wendy practice together- a friend headcanons that she plays the flute, so yk it works.

hanging out with friends is a must. especially clyde they have the bromance ever they’re so lovey dovey best friends

it’s like 2am and i’m getting lazy so here ya go this isn’t even half but alas it’s ok so have fun with my stupid ass spews ty for ur time

[lalalovesbl]

Why I don’t think Boeing is Sand’s ex: AKA An insane plot to convince myself that Mix is still Sand’s ex.

In before I’m proven wrong but I just want to put this out there.

Part of this is Delulu but, I don’t think Boeing is Sand’s ex.

Point 1: Style/Type

Now unless Boeing has pulled a Nick and is dressing like Top in an effort to somehow seduce Top, From what we know about Sand, he doesn’t seem like his type. That’s not to say that Boeing wasn’t his type at one point and he didn’t want to be with anyone like that anymore but, Boeing seems like Top 2.0 and perhaps they have remained friends after breaking up because they are a lot alike. Sand coming from his somewhat rough background doesn’t seem to rub shoulders with the upper class that much. Granted we don’t know anything about Boeing yet but he seems to be well off enough given his clothing. In contrast, Sand is a rough around the edges intense guy. He also speaks his mind. If Ray and Boeing had any similarities given their financial background, I feel like Sand would have brought it up. Saying something along the lines of “Your kind blah blah blah” he does call him out for being a rich boy that throws around money but he doesn’t draw any parallels between the two.

Again, this part of the theory hangs on the fact that Boeing is in the upper class like Top and hasn’t changed himself for Top.

Point 2: Contact

In episode 6, when Sand and Top meet at the hospital, he attempts to “bury the hatchet” with Sand and tells him he no longer is in contact with Sand’s ex

While Top isn’t above lying, volunteering this information seems weird unless he’s trying to hide it from Mew. At this point he doesn’t see Mew and Sand interacting much (truthfully they don’t interact). So stating he doesn’t keep contact with Sand’s ex is a weird flex. However, it seems he has kept in contact with Boeing. He states that Boeing has a key to the condo, and seemingly calls him on nights when he can’t sleep and doesn’t want to take pills. I assume so he can sleep next to someone.

To play the devil’s advocate for my own theory. This isn’t to say that he isn’t lying to Sand in an effort to keep the peace or even that he has recently reached out to Boeing after a long period of Non-contact. The two seem to be on friendly terms.

Point 3: Relationship

While we don’t know the nature of Boeing and Top’s relationship other than he’s his ex, the question remains. “Why did they break up and why are they still friends?” Top stole Sand’s ex for what? Was it just a one night stand? Did they have a relationship? Given Top’s nonchalant attitude about Sand’s ex, I’m lead to believe that Sand’s ex was a conquest that once he won, cast them aside. If Sand’s ex and Boeing are the same person, he has too much attachment to Boeing to have been a person he dumped after winning over. Whatever their relationship is, he willing to lie about it to Mew. Also, if Top had stolen Boeing away just to dump him either his relationship with Sand was bad and he was looking for a way out, he realized he couldn’t go back to Sand and just let it be, or he still pines for Top.

Again to play my own devil’s advocate, Sand doesn’t seem all that bothered by cheating. He’s with Ray who is basically cheating on Mew with him. Be it that he knows Ray is going through figuring out his feelings or because he’s in too deep with Ray, he doesn’t push him away because of the cheating, but rather because he doesn’t want to be Ray’s back up. So I feel that his anger at Top over his ex is because Top made a concerted effort to steal him away knowing he had a boyfriend. Which seems like a lot of effort if you’re just gonna turn around and dump them but remain friends. But, it’s possible they couldn’t work it out after the novelty of the situation wore off.

In conclusion. I feel like there isn’t enough evidence pointing to the fact that Boeing is Sand’s ex. I could be wrong and have Delulu blinders on but, Not enough adds up to me. We don’t know where Boeing and Sand met if they are indeed exes. It could be school, it could be the club, it could even be through his work as a moonshiner. I guess we’ll know this coming Saturday.

Anyways, Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

[winderlylandchime]

He made another fucking list! There is another piece of paper taped to my wall! I am officially starting a bidding for this man, the starting price is 1 dollar. I walked into the living room to him sitting on a couch looking at the paper and he kept saying ‘I’m missing something’ Apparently my brother is the dumb version of Nancy Drew. The list is about Ben and the drugs and how that will play into s3 and obviously Britin as well. I did have to reveal to him yesterday that he is on steroids because my brother was convinced it was cocaine. Now I’m wishing I didn’t. So this is what he wrote on it. It’s split in half and the top half is called Ben+steroids and the points he made are: -Ben goes to rehab and the season revolves around that to try and make him less boring, -Ben gets Michael into steroids but that’s just dumb, cmon (his name) you can do better than that, -Ben ODs and we are back to debbie hating him, -he loses his job and itll be embarrassing for me to watch -they use this to write off the actor but then Mike becomes annoying again, and my all time favorite -it was just a trick bc in reality what happened was Benny gave that guy a lecture about Buddha. So that was all on the ben part. The Britin part is him trying to work out his previous theories: -I don’t think the reverse sugar daddy thing will happen, i mean he has a 30k worth car. -Justin will wake up one day and look up and see that goatee and dump him immediately, -okay so Justin is not gonna cheat with Brian so maybe Brian does something really cool which leads to Justin realizing he is the one, -or Ethan does something even more boring than simply existing and Justin has a wake up call. -maybe Bri can get him to do more posters for work and thats how they connect again through the love of sex and art, -BRIAN ADMITS THAT HES IN LOVE AND FUCKING SAYS IT! With his full chest! And makes it romantic but not too romantic so that he doesnt freak out. And in a very very small letters he wrote in the bottom ‘it’s still fuck Ethan till the day I perish!’

So that’s what the new addition on the wall is now. Dramatic and dumb just like he is.

Also i genuinely cannot believe you have people coming to you about the fire house thing he said. I will admit that even I have had moments where i go ‘damn, he just spilled some tea’ while he’s talking, meanwhile this idiot is 60% pain pills while he is blowing my mind with random shit he says.

The funny thing is that that fire house is kinda our “inside joke” minus the joke part. When he was little and i did something bad that i would think my parents would kill me for, he would calm me down by saying ‘the house is not on fire’ basically trying to reassure that no matter what, all is okay. So it kinda became our thing and then every once in a while he would do something dumb (like get rainbow hair) and i would get a call/text that just said ‘the fucking house is burning the fuck down!/the bitch is on fire and it’s blazing!’ And that was basically a ‘take this as a warning that I pissed them off’. And when i mentioned that the next day, this dumbass couldn’t even fully remember what he said. He remembered it all except the water part which is annoying cause that was the part i wanted him to clarify. I swear to God we are (kinda) functional human beings. It just doesn’t look like it right now.

ALSO!! We might actually get to the break up tomorrow! He wants to watch 4 and 5 today sooo we are getting closer!!

Okay! You heard it here first folks - Brother Anon is up for adoption. Come make your intentions known.

These lists! Compared with your brother’s ideas, Ben manages to make steroid abuse boring. He’s going to be so disappointed.

Hopefully he won’t be disappointed with the Ethan-cheating storyline. I dislike it (I want Justin to choose Brian and nonmonogamy because he decides Ethan and monogamy are not a good fit for him, not because Ethan cheats) but also the “Brian never had to apologize” line is iconic and I think your brother will like that.

Okay but that’s a sweet story about how he would comfort you as a brother by telling you the house was not on fire. I love that that line was from that.

Keep us updated dear sweet anon!

[mrsbsmooth]

Scripts - S6 - Episode 23

Chats around the villa, Amelia's loser party

NARRATOR: Welcome back to Love Island, where Casa Amor has everyone’s heads on the turn.

NARRATOR: Grace just smooched a new boy, and now she’s about to spill the beans!

NARRATOR: And she knows who’s <i>been</i> writing {0}’s secret love notes!

NARRATOR: Let’s get back to it!

Grace leads you out onto the terrace to get some privacy.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: You kissed a Casa boy already?!

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Well spill, who was it?

GRACE_FLIRTY: It was Hamish.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Really? When did this happen?

GRACE_FLIRTY: After Raunchy Races we went off to get to know each other a bit.

GRACE_FLIRTY: One thing led to another.

GRACE_FLIRTY: And I definitely got to know his lips!

GRACE_IDLE: What do you think, {0}?

Good for you Grace

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Good for you, Grace!

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Casa Amor is all about getting your flirt on.

GRACE_FLIRTY: Exactly. I’m enjoying myself.

GRACE_FLIRTY: If Ozzy can have his fun, why can’t I?!

What about Ozzy?!

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Grace, what were you thinking?

PLAYER_SERIOUS: What about Ozzy?!

PLAYER_SERIOUS: You just got back together with him.

GRACE_SERIOUS: I don’t think you’re in a position to judge me {0}!

GRACE_EMBARRASSED: Especially after you snogged him in front of me before Casa!

GRACE_SERIOUS: It’s no secret that me and Ozzy have had our issues.

GRACE_FLIRTY: If he can have his fun, why can’t I?!

GRACE_FLIRTY: I’m just making the most of my time here!

Time to let Ozzy crack on

PLAYER_SERIOUS: In that case, maybe it’s time to ditch Ozzy and let him crack on?

GRACE_ANGRY: So you’re free to be with him?

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: If your options are open, maybe his should be too.

GRACE_EMBARRASSED: Hmmm, maybe.

GRACE_EMBARRASSED: We’ve still got a lot of history.

GRACE_EMBARRASSED: I haven't made my mind up yet!

It’s your business

PLAYER_IDLE: It’s up to you, Grace.

PLAYER_IDLE: It’s not really my business.

GRACE_IDLE: It’s nice to discuss with a friend though.

GRACE_IDLE: I’ll just carry on doing what feels right for me!

GRACE_IDLE: It’s been a whirlwind of a day so far.

GRACE_FLIRTY: Anything can happen.

GRACE_FLIRTY: Who knows, I might even be tempted to twist.

PLAYER_IDLE: You also said something about the mystery note I found.

PLAYER_IDLE: Do you know who wrote it?

GRACE_FLIRTY: I’ve got a very solid theory, babe.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Who?!

GRACE_FLIRTY: Elliot.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: You know that for sure?

GRACE_FLIRTY: I saw how he was acting after you got ‘dumped’!

GRACE_FLIRTY: He looked upset, like truly.

GRACE_FLIRTY: And someone smart like Elliot would have the quick thinking to slip a note over.

GRACE_FLIRTY: I’m saying this as a friend, it’s just the feeling I’m getting.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Really?

GRACE_IDLE: What do you think, {0}?

I believe you

PLAYER_IDLE: I definitely believe you.

PLAYER_HAPPY: I can’t believe Elliot wrote the note!

GRACE_HAPPY: Well you two have been through a lot already!

GRACE_HAPPY: He’s got to shoot his shot!

You’re just starting rumours

PLAYER_SERIOUS: I think you’re just starting rumours.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: This is just guesswork.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: It doesn’t prove anything.

GRACE_IDLE: I’m just trying to keep you in the know!

I’ve only heard your side

PLAYER_IDLE: It’s an interesting theory.

PLAYER_IDLE: But I’ve only heard your perspective.

PLAYER_IDLE: I don’t think it’s enough to be sure.

GRACE_IDLE: Ok, well I’m just telling you how I feel.

I hope it was him

PLAYER_HAPPY: I hope it was Elliot who wrote the note.

PLAYER_HAPPY: That’s a super cute thing to do and shows he’s into me.

GRACE_HAPPY: Yeah for sure.

GRACE_FLIRTY: But it doesn’t mean you need to be all in with him though.

GRACE_FLIRTY: Whoever wrote it doesn’t change that you’re in Casa with hot new boys.

GRACE_FLIRTY: I think you should be cracking on!

GRACE_FLIRTY: You don’t want to miss out on the grafting opportunities.

GRACE_EMBARRASSED: And…

PLAYER_IDLE: And what?

GRACE_EMBARRASSED: I’m just gonna come out with it, I’m not sure about Elliot.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: What makes you say that?

GRACE_IDLE: He could have walked when you got dumped.

GRACE_IDLE: Shown some loyalty!

Grace spots something below the terrace and grabs your hand!

GRACE_SURPRISED: OMG! It’s Amelia and Marshall. And they seem to be getting very close.

You both look down and see their faces close together as they pull apart!

GRACE_SURPRISED: Did they just smooch?!

PLAYER_SURPRISED: I couldn’t see!

PLAYER_SURPRISED: It could’ve been a peck on the cheek?

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Or a proper kiss!

GRACE_SURPRISED: I know you’re interested in Marshall.

GRACE_EMBARRASSED: But it looks like Amelia might be too.

GRACE_FLIRTY: She’s making moves!

GRACE_FLIRTY: You should go and find out what happened!

GRACE_SURPRISED: If it was my twin I’d want to know what just happened.

GRACE_FLIRTY: I know you might be more into someone other than Marshall.

GRACE_FLIRTY: But this is some serious goss! Amelia’s making moves.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: It looks that way!

GRACE_SERIOUS: You should go find out ASAP!

You head off to get the scoop on the Amelia and Marshall situation.

Pool: Hamish

Lounges: {0}

Roof Terrace: Francis

Kitchen: Andy

You find Andy in the kitchen making a healthy looking smoothie.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Hey, Andy.

ANDY_HAPPY: Hey, {0}, I was just making a little accompaniment for my snack.

ANDY_HAPPY: All veggie, obviously!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Cool. How are you enjoying Casa Amor?

ANDY_HAPPY: It’s been great!

ANDY_FLIRTY: Meeting you has definitely made it a whole lot sweeter.

ANDY_HAPPY: What’s going on with you?

Flirt with Andy

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I just wanted to come and say hello.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: See my favourite vet.

ANDY_FLIRTY: That’s very nice of you.

ANDY_FLIRTY: And I’ve got to say, I’m very glad you came to chat.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Oh yeah?

ANDY_FLIRTY: I’ve been thinking about you quite a lot.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I could say the same.

ANDY_FLIRTY: Let’s just say you’ve made Casa Amor a very fun place!

ANDY_FLIRTY: I’d love the chance to take you on another date.

ANDY_FLIRTY: I’ve never had a kiss like that before.

ANDY_FLIRTY: I won’t be forgetting that <i>dip</i> for a while!

ANDY_FLIRTY: It’s been great getting to know everyone in here.

ANDY_FLIRTY: But especially you, {0}.

Get the goss

PLAYER_HAPPY: I wanted to ask…

PLAYER_HAPPY: Do you think you’ve got any bromances developing?

ANDY_HAPPY: They’re all nice guys! Marshall’s a lot of fun.

PLAYER_HAPPY: You’ve chatted to him a fair bit then?

ANDY_HAPPY: Yeah, he’s always bantering me a bit.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Did he mention anyone turning his head?

PLAYER_HAPPY: Maybe someone who looks like me?

ANDY_IDLE: I don’t know anything.

ANDY_IDLE: I’ve been kind of busy getting my graft on myself.

ANDY_IDLE: It’s been great getting to know you so far.

ANDY_HAPPY: I can understand why the others wanted to keep you.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: What do you mean?

ANDY_HAPPY: Oh, you won’t know this!

ANDY_FLIRTY: The compatibility vote of who should be dumped. You were pretty popular.

ANDY_HAPPY: I can fill you in if you want?

*Give me all the deets

PLAYER_HAPPY: Defo fill me in! I need all the deets.

ANDY_HAPPY: Well, I’m sure you guessed that Amelia was adamant you were staying.

ANDY_IDLE: {0} kinda suggested he wanted to vote you out but Amelia shut him down.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: {0} said that?

ANDY_IDLE: Not because he didn’t like you. He just felt a stronger vibe with others.

ANDY_HAPPY: But Amelia got him in line!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Sisters before misters.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Who did they vote for then?

ANDY_IDLE: {0} and {1}.

PLAYER_IDLE: Interesting! What about Grace and Ozzy?

ANDY_FLIRTY: Well, it won’t surprise you that Ozzy’s a bit of a fan of yours.

ANDY_HAPPY: And Grace didn’t even consider voting you out by the way.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Even after I told Ozzy I felt the same as him?

ANDY_IDLE: I mean, she wasn’t happy about it at all.

ANDY_EMBARRASSED: And her and Ozzy’s chat was super awks.

ANDY_IDLE: But she still wanted to keep you in the villa.

ANDY_HAPPY: I think she values you as a friend, despite the Ozzy thing.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Even after I told Ozzy I was interested in him?

ANDY_IDLE: I mean, she wasn’t happy about it at all.

ANDY_EMBARRASSED: And her and Ozzy’s chat was super awks.

ANDY_IDLE: But she still wanted to keep you in the villa.

ANDY_HAPPY: I think she values you as a friend, despite the Ozzy thing.

ANDY_IDLE: I mean, she wasn’t happy about Ozzy making moves on you.

ANDY_EMBARRASSED: And her and Ozzy’s chat was super awks.

ANDY_IDLE: But she still wanted to keep you in the villa.

ANDY_HAPPY: She really values you as a friend.

ANDY_HAPPY: She was super happy you had her back and turned Ozzy down.

ANDY_HAPPY: She said the villa wouldn’t have been the same without you.

ANDY_FLIRTY: And I agree.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Aww, that’s nice to hear.

ANDY_IDLE: They voted for {0} and {1} too.

ANDY_EMBARRASSED: One couple did vote you and Elliot as least compatible though…

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: Who?

ANDY_EMBARRASSED: {0} and {1}. They didn’t think you and Elliot were vibing.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Really?

ANDY_IDLE: I know you felt differently though.

ANDY_IDLE: It got kind of awkward to watch. They bickered the whole time.

ANDY_HAPPY: Everyone else was totally for you to stay though!

ANDY_HAPPY: Especially {0}.

ANDY_HAPPY: She said the villa wouldn’t be anywhere near as fun without you.

PLAYER_HAPPY: She’s right.

ANDY_EMBARRASSED: Especially {0}. His head hasn’t turned.

ANDY_EMBARRASSED: He said the villa wouldn’t be anywhere near as fun without you.

PLAYER_HAPPY: He’s right.

ANDY_IDLE: Actually all the OG guys had your back. So I know you’re the real deal.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Nice to know I’ve got good people here.

ANDY_HAPPY: You’re a good person too. That’s why I wanted to get to know you, {0}.

I don’t need to know

PLAYER_IDLE: Nah, I don’t need to know who they voted for.

PLAYER_IDLE: I wouldn’t want the others to know I chose them.

ANDY_IDLE: Fair point. How other people think of us is none of our business, right?

PLAYER_IDLE: Exactly.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Do you feel like you’ve gotten to know everyone?

ANDY_IDLE: I think so. Although…

ANDY_EMBARRASSED: I don’t know what I think of Hamish.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Really? Grace was telling me she likes him!

ANDY_EMBARRASSED: I would maybe tell her to stay away if I were you.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Why?

ANDY_SERIOUS: I don’t know how much she can trust him.

ANDY_EMBARRASSED: All I’ll say is, I wouldn’t want him dating my little sister.

PLAYER_IDLE: Sounds like you aren’t his biggest fan.

ANDY_EMBARRASSED: He just seems a bit self obsessed I guess. Not sure if you agree?

He’s so self obsessed!

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: Hamish loves no one more than Hamish.

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: He’s totally wrapped up in his own ego.

ANDY_HAPPY: Glad we’re on the same page about him.

ANDY_HAPPY: I bet his phone lockscreen is a selfie.

PLAYER_HAPPY: That sounds like Hamish.

I don’t agree

PLAYER_IDLE: Not sure I agree with that. I guess we see Hamish a bit differently.

ANDY_IDLE: Yeah, that’s cool. Maybe I’ve got him wrong.

ANDY_IDLE: You seem like a good judge of character.

Andy shrugs and gives you a flirty smile.

ANDY_FLIRTY: There is someone I’m quite a big fan of though.

PLAYER_IDLE: Oh yeah?

ANDY_FLIRTY: I have to say you’ve really turned my head, {0}.

ANDY_FLIRTY: You’re cuter than all the kitten videos on the internet.

Andy looks deep into your eyes like he wants to kiss you!

Lean in for a smooch

You lean in closer to Andy.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: You’ve turned my head right back.

You plant your lips on his, both melting into the kiss.

Tingles of electricity surge through you as your lips connect.

You pull away and see Andy beaming!

ANDY_FLIRTY: I couldn’t be happier to be in Casa Amor.

I prefer puppy videos

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: I’m more of a cute puppy video person.

ANDY_IDLE: Really? I had you down as an all animal person.

ANDY_HAPPY: Either way. You’re a cutie.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Oh I know that, Andy.

High five!

You put your hand in the air for a high five. Andy looks very confused, but returns it anyway.

PLAYER_HAPPY: High five!

ANDY_EMBARRASSED: That was a good one.

He steps back and scratches his head.

PLAYER_HAPPY: As fun as this has been…

PLAYER_IDLE: I’m going to go and speak to the others.

ANDY_HAPPY: No rest for the beautiful, {0}?

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: I guess I’ll go find out what happened between Marshall and Amelia.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I’m gonna get the tea about Marshall and Amelia.

ANDY_HAPPY: Good luck, {0}!

ANDY_FLIRTY: I’ll be thinking about that kiss all day long.

You leave to go speak to the others.

You go to join Hamish who’s relaxing by the pool.

HAMISH_FLIRTY: There you are…

HAMISH_FLIRTY: What brings you to my pool?

PLAYER_HAPPY: Your pool?

HAMISH_FLIRTY: Slip of the tongue!

PLAYER_IDLE: What have you been up to?

HAMISH_FLIRTY: Just cranking my chat up. Getting my bants going.

PLAYER_HAPPY: You’ve been getting to know everyone better then?

HAMISH_FLIRTY: I like to think so.

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: Do you think Amelia and Marshall are getting closer too?

HAMISH_FLIRTY: I’m not the only one getting closer to people.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Who do you mean?

HAMISH_SERIOUS: Well, Amelia and Marshall are certainly vibing together.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Oh really?

Hamish’s eyes light up!

HAMISH_HAPPY: I was hoping you’d come over so I could spill the tea!

HAMISH_HAPPY: I saw Marshall and Amelia earlier.

PLAYER_IDLE: And?

HAMISH_HAPPY: They were totally lipsing!

PLAYER_SURPRISED: You saw them kissing?

HAMISH_HAPPY: Yep, 100%.

I don’t believe you

PLAYER_SERIOUS: I don’t buy it, Hamish. I think you’re making it up.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: Or exaggerating at least.

HAMISH_SERIOUS: I don’t lie or exaggerate, {0}.

HAMISH_SERIOUS: Seems like maybe you’re not such a good judge of character.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Excuse me?

HAMISH_FLIRTY: Anyway, they’re not the only ones getting busy.

That stings

PLAYER_SAD: Hearing that does sting a bit, Hamish.

PLAYER_SAD: I was kind of hoping that, well…

HAMISH_FLIRTY: They aren’t the only ones that have been cracking on.

Good for them

PLAYER_HAPPY: Good for them, glad they’re vibing.

PLAYER_HAPPY: I’m happy Amelia’s making the most of Casa.

HAMISH_FLIRTY: I think they’re both making the most of their time here.

HAMISH_FLIRTY: And they’re not the only ones.

I can’t believe they’d do that

PLAYER_ANGRY: I can’t believe they’d do that. I’ve been getting closer with Marshall.

PLAYER_ANGRY: We literally just had a date together.

HAMISH_SURPRISED: Were you and Marshall exclusive?

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: What? No, we weren’t.

HAMISH_EMBARRASSED: What’s the big deal then? Amelia’s got a right to graft too.

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: I’m not saying she doesn’t but…

HAMISH_SERIOUS: Where’s your chill, {0}?

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Excuse me?

HAMISH_FLIRTY: Anyway, they’re not the only ones getting busy.

HAMISH_FLIRTY: I totally lipsed Grace earlier too!

PLAYER_IDLE: So I heard!

HAMISH_FLIRTY: Super rando! But I’m happy to roll with it.

I’m not interested

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: I’m not interested in what you get up to.

HAMISH_SURPRISED: Really? I assumed you’d want the goss.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: You assumed incorrectly!

I wish you well

PLAYER_HAPPY: Cool, hope it pans out for you both.

HAMISH_HAPPY: Things always pan out well for me.

HAMISH_FLIRTY: But this isn’t to say I’m done grafting though.

Let’s change the subject

PLAYER_IDLE: Cool, well anyway, let’s chat about something else.

HAMISH_FLIRTY: Let’s chat about me and you.

PLAYER_IDLE: What about me and you?

HAMISH_FLIRTY: I’d still like to see if there’s something between us.

HAMISH_FLIRTY: You know, I’d be open to lipsing again today.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Who have you got your eye on?

Hamish winks at you.

HAMISH_FLIRTY: You, {0}.

HAMISH_FLIRTY: So, what do you say? Are you open to it too?

*Dig Hamish out!

PLAYER_ANGRY: Why do you think I’d want to kiss you at all?

PLAYER_ANGRY: Let alone after you’ve just kissed someone else?

PLAYER_ANGRY: Also, why are you blabbing about it to everyone?

HAMISH_EMBARRASSED: I’ve only ‘blabbed’ to you, {0}.

PLAYER_ANGRY: You seem like the sort of person who tells everyone everything.

HAMISH_EMBARRASSED: Not true, {0}. I’m usually very discreet.

HAMISH_SAD: I only told you as I assumed you’d want to know.

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: And why would I want to know?

HAMISH_FLIRTY: So you had a heads up so you wouldn’t miss your chance with me.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Hamish, you’re the one who’s missed your chance with me.

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: Not the other way around.

PLAYER_ANGRY: That’s if you ever had a chance with me in the first place.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I’m way out of your league, Hamish.

HAMISH_EMBARRASSED: Well, point taken, {0}!

HAMISH_SAD: No more lipsing today.

PLAYER_ANGRY: Not for you anyway.

HAMISH_EMBARRASSED: Let’s move on.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: We’ll move on when I’m done saying what I’ve got to say.

PLAYER_ANGRY: Earlier I picked you as the sexiest boy.

PLAYER_ANGRY: And your first reaction was to look over at Grace to see if she was jealous.

HAMISH_EMBARRASSED: You noticed that?

PLAYER_ANGRY: You’re not as subtle as you think you are.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: And now you’re telling me you kissed Grace and then asking to kiss me?

PLAYER_ANGRY: Not cool, Hamish.

HAMISH_SAD: Wow, that told me didn’t it?

PLAYER_SERIOUS: And now we can move on.

HAMISH_EMBARRASSED: Ok...

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: I clearly didn’t pick you as the sexiest boy earlier for a reason.

PLAYER_ANGRY: And now you’re bragging about kissing Grace and then asking to kiss me?

PLAYER_ANGRY: Read the room, Hamish. And get some class.

HAMISH_SAD: Wow, that told me didn’t it?

PLAYER_SERIOUS: And now we can move on.

HAMISH_EMBARRASSED: Ok...

Blow him an air kiss

You blow him an over-exaggerated air kiss.

PLAYER_HAPPY: There’s a kiss for you.

Hamish mimes catching it.

HAMISH_FLIRTY: Very clever, {0}.

Move it on

PLAYER_ANGRY: Let’s move on, Hamish!

PLAYER_SERIOUS: It’s not just one big kiss-athon!

Hamish looks a bit taken aback.

HAMISH_IDLE: Point taken, {0}!

HAMISH_EMBARRASSED: Anyway, Amelia and Marshall..

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: Yeah, he literally just went on a date with me…

HAMISH_IDLE: I mean, he did say he was open to all the girls. Can’t tie that one down.

HAMISH_IDLE: I’ve noticed something else too.

PLAYER_IDLE: What’s that?

HAMISH_IDLE: {0} and Francis have been talking a lot today.

HAMISH_IDLE: It seems like they’re getting quite close already.

PLAYER_SAD: Really?

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Do you think they might couple up?

HAMISH_IDLE: Anything could happen.

HAMISH_IDLE: But if {0} does choose to twist, that would leave {1} at a bit of a risk!

PLAYER_SURPRISED: You’re right.

HAMISH_IDLE: It’s all very exciting isn’t it.

PLAYER_IDLE: There’s definitely lots to think about.

PLAYER_IDLE: I’m going to go find out if there’s any more goss.

HAMISH_IDLE: Make sure you come back and tell me!

You leave Hamish alone by the pool.

You find Francis sunbathing on the terrace and join him.

FRANCIS_HAPPY: Here she comes.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Hey, Francis.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: I was hoping you’d search me out, {0}.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: I was just day-dreaming about you…

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Playing on your mind, am I?

FRANCIS_HAPPY: Always.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: Especially those lips of yours.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Charmer.

FRANCIS_EMBARRASSED: I don’t have anything else in my teeth, do I?

PLAYER_HAPPY: All good for now.

FRANCIS_HAPPY: Phew.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: That skinny dip was something else.

FRANCIS_IDLE: I don’t think I’ve ever had an underwater kiss like that.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I was happy to assist.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: Took my <i>breath away.</i>

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Stop it.

Francis chuckles and tucks some hair behind his ears.

FRANCIS_IDLE: Talk to me. What’s been going on?

FRANCIS_EMBARRASSED: My heart’s telling me something’s up?

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: Nothing really… Just…

FRANCIS_IDLE: Go on.

PLAYER_IDLE: Have you seen Amelia and Marshall at all?

FRANCIS_IDLE: Nope.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: I think something might be going on between them.

FRANCIS_IDLE: Like?

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: I think they might have kissed.

FRANCIS_SURPRISED: Kissed? Wowie!

FRANCIS_HAPPY: That guy is really getting to know all the girls.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Is he?

FRANCIS_HAPPY: Oh yeah! I’ve seen him flirt with all of you.

FRANCIS_HAPPY: It’s cool, free love and all that.

FRANCIS_IDLE: Plus, he told me he planned to get to know all the girls.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: I don’t think he’s the type to put all his eggs in someone’s basket straight up.

PLAYER_IDLE: Have you seen anything?

FRANCIS_IDLE: No. I haven’t.

FRANCIS_IDLE: But if that’s true, I can tell you one thing.

PLAYER_IDLE: What’s that?

FRANCIS_EMBARRASSED: Marshall’s not right for Amelia.

FRANCIS_SERIOUS: I wouldn’t trust that dude as far as I could throw him.

FRANCIS_IDLE: I get massive ‘player’ energy off him.

I think he’s trouble too

PLAYER_SERIOUS: Sounds to me like he’s a bit of trouble.

FRANCIS_IDLE: You can say that again.

FRANCIS_IDLE: Marshall screams trouble.

FRANCIS_IDLE: He’s really not my cup of chai tea.

FRANCIS_HAPPY: If you get my meaning…

I like that he’s got game

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I kind of like that he’s got strong flirt game.

FRANCIS_EMBARRASSED: Seriously?

PLAYER_IDLE: Keeps it exciting and mysterious.

FRANCIS_EMBARRASSED: Not in the long run, trust me.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Agree to disagree.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: What you need is someone who’s had their fun single phase.

FRANCIS_IDLE: I was never a player, but I’ve had my fling phase.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: Now I’m ready for something more serious.

PLAYER_IDLE: Is that right?

FRANCIS_IDLE: Marshall smacks of immaturity.

FRANCIS_IDLE: He’s just not really my cup of chai tea.

I don’t know what to think

PLAYER_IDLE: I don’t know what to think about Marshall.

FRANCIS_IDLE: Trust me, I’ve met guys like him.

FRANCIS_IDLE: He still acts like a complete teen.

FRANCIS_IDLE: Just not really my cup of chai tea.

FRANCIS_EMBARRASSED: If I’m honest, I think me and him could clash in here.

FRANCIS_SURPRISED: And that’s rare for me to say that.

PLAYER_IDLE: I see.

PLAYER_IDLE: Anyone else you could clash with?

FRANCIS_HAPPY: No! I’m a lover, not a fighter.

FRANCIS_IDLE: I’m a big fan of Grace actually. She seems hilarious.

FRANCIS_SURPRISED: Also a good kisser come to think of it.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: What?

FRANCIS_HAPPY: Our brief kiss in the challenge was good!

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: Nothing like our beach kiss.

FRANCIS_IDLE: Don’t worry. There are no feelings there.

FRANCIS_IDLE: She’s more of a friend.

FRANCIS_IDLE: I just…

FRANCIS_IDLE: I like her cheeky vibe.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: But I like your vibe the best.

Francis turns and looks at you bashfully.

FRANCIS_IDLE: Let’s forget about Marshall, Amelia and Grace for a second.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: Right now, I’ve only got eyes for you.

Give him a quick kiss!

PLAYER_FLIRTY: That’s convenient, cos I’ve got some lips for you.

Francis smiles as you take his face in your hands and softly press your lips against his.

He melts into the kiss, his strong arms sloping down around your lower back.

The kiss is quick, but it’s nonetheless sensual.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: Thanks for that.

Tell him you’ve got to go

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: And I’ve got eyes everywhere.

PLAYER_IDLE: I have to go!

FRANCIS_HAPPY: A woman on a mission, huh!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Something like that.

FRANCIS_IDLE: You’ve definitely been catching my eye, {0}.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: After getting to know me, could I have possibly turned your head?

Flirt with him!

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I have eyes, Francis.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t noticed you.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: So I’m not just imagining it?

PLAYER_FLIRTY: There’s a vibe. For sure.

Francis shoots you a flirty look.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: I just think you’re beautiful, {0}. Inside and out.

Smooch him!

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Come here then.

Francis smiles as you take his face in your hands and softly press your lips against his.

He melts into the kiss, his strong arms sloping down around your lower back.

The kiss is brief, but it’s nonetheless sensual.

FRANCIS_HAPPY: That was divine.

Ask to touch his hair

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I think your hair is beautiful!

FRANCIS_HAPPY: Yeah, apple cider vinegar baby!

PLAYER_HAPPY: It looks so soft! Can I feel it?

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: Be my guest.

Francis shuffles closer to you and you run your fingers through his hair.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: This feels so tantric, {0}.

You shoot Francis a smile and then take your hands away.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: I hope there’s more where that came from.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: You’ll have to wait and see.

Act casual

PLAYER_IDLE: You’re sweet, Francis.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: So are you.

Definitely not

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: Sorry, Francis, but definitely not.

FRANCIS_SURPRISED: Ah, I see.

FRANCIS_EMBARRASSED: Maybe just a friends vibe then.

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: Defo friends.

FRANCIS_IDLE: It’s all good.

PLAYER_IDLE: Anyway, I better go.

FRANCIS_HAPPY: You busy bee.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Places to go, people to see!

You smile and walk away.

FRANCIS_HAPPY: I hope you find your truth!

PLAYER_IDLE: Thanks, Francis.

Bella/Chloe

You see {0} catching some rays on the loungers. She waves you over.

{0}_HAPPY: Hey, {1}, come join me.

{0}_HAPPY: It’s such a gorgeous day, proper sunbathing weather.

PLAYER_HAPPY: How’s it going?

{0}_HAPPY: Good!

{0}_HAPPY: Did you come to ask me about Marshall and Amelia?

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Why do you ask that?

{0}_HAPPY: Because their chemistry has been off the charts.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: You think so?

{0}_HAPPY: I think there’s definitely something fizzing between them.

{0}_HAPPY: I’m talking a heavily flirty vibe.

{0}_HAPPY: Would you mind them cracking on?

They should go for it!

PLAYER_HAPPY: I think they should go for it!

PLAYER_HAPPY: They make a cute couple.

PLAYER_HAPPY: And it would be really nice to see Amelia happy.

{0}_HAPPY: Yeah they could be couple goals for sure.

{0}_HAPPY: You are such a supportive sis!

I was hoping to crack on with Marshall

PLAYER_ANGRY: I was kind of hoping to crack on with Marshall.

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: And this messes up that plan a bit!

{0}_SAD: Oh, I didn’t know you were into Marshall.

{0}_SURPRISED: Yikes! That is a bit awkward!

{0}_SURPRISED: You might need a sisterly debrief about this one.

Not sure he’s right for her

PLAYER_SERIOUS: I don’t know if Marshall is a good fit for Amelia.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: I don’t really see them working.

{0}_SERIOUS: I get it!

{0}_SERIOUS: I’d hate to see any of my girls getting heartbroken.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: Me too. Especially as she’s my sister!

{0}_HAPPY: I’d love to know what’s going on with them.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Grace thought she saw them kiss!

{0}_SURPRISED: No way!

PLAYER_SERIOUS: I couldn’t quite see what happened.

{0}_SURPRISED: Well, I didn’t see anything.

{0}_HAPPY: It was probably just a peck on the cheek.

{0}_HAPPY: No big deal. Plus, you shouldn’t be putting all your eggs in his basket.

{0}_HAPPY: He’s defo not putting all of his in yours.

{0}_FLIRTY: I think that you and Marshall have chemistry too though!

PLAYER_HAPPY: What about you, do you have chemistry with any of the Casa boys?

{0}_FLIRTY: Funny you should ask, I’ve actually been chatting a lot to Francis.

PLAYER_HAPPY: What do you think of him?

{0}_FLIRTY: He’s definitely ticking a few boxes, which I wasn’t expecting!

PLAYER_SAD: Oh.

{0}_IDLE: It’s just chatting though.

PLAYER_IDLE: What sort of boxes is he ticking?

{0}_FLIRTY: He’s really spiritual! I like that.

{0}_FLIRTY: He’s also well travelled, which is important to me.

{0}_FLIRTY: And he seems super spontaneous, which is always a bonus.

PLAYER_IDLE: What about {0}?

{0}_IDLE: Well, we’re not a real couple!

{0}_IDLE: Why, what do you think about it?

Go for it with Francis

PLAYER_HAPPY: You should definitely see where things go with Francis.

PLAYER_HAPPY: You and {0} didn’t really choose to couple up.

PLAYER_HAPPY: You deserve to graft a bit.

{0}_FLIRTY: Thanks, {1}. It’s nice to hear that.

{0}_FLIRTY: Maybe I’ll really go for it!

Safer to stick with {0}

PLAYER_SERIOUS: I think it’s safer to stick with {0}, for now.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: It could help keep you both in here!

{0}_SERIOUS: Hmmm, I see what you’re saying.

{0}_SERIOUS: It’s a good idea to stay safe.

Wait and see how you feel

PLAYER_IDLE: Why don’t you wait and see how you feel later.

PLAYER_IDLE: You can see how things go with Francis.

{0}_IDLE: That’s smart, {1}.

{0}_IDLE: I shouldn’t rush into any decisions!

Don’t forget about me

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Just make sure you don’t forget about me.

{0}_FLIRTY: Oh don’t worry, there’s no danger of me forgetting about you.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: My mind’s still on you, even with all this graft flying around.

{0}_HAPPY: That’s so great to hear, {1}.

{0}_IDLE: I know Casa is all about testing our connections and getting to know newbies.

{0}_FLIRTY: But you’re the one I feel a connection with.

{0}_HAPPY: Casa has been so exciting so far.

{0}_HAPPY: There’s so much to think about!

{0}_FLIRTY: And even though I’ve been chatting with Francis.

{0}_FLIRTY: I’ve definitely still got my eye on you.

{0}_FLIRTY: And I hope we get to share a bed again soon.

{0}_FLIRTY: I’m all about the long game.

{0}_FLIRTY: I’m not going anywhere.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Well, I’m going to go and see what everyone else is up to.

{0}_HAPPY: See you at the Losers Party!

You head off to find other Islanders to chat to.

You wander past the dressing room and Grace rushes out to grab you!

GRACE_HAPPY: Come on, {0}, we have to get ready for the Losers Party!

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Ok, let’s go!

Grace pulls you into the dressing room where Amelia and {0} are already getting ready.

AMELIA_HAPPY: Hey, {0}, I’m so excited for tonight.

{0}_HAPPY: I really don’t know what to wear.

GRACE_HAPPY: What are you thinking, {0}?

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I’m feeling myself in this.

AMELIA_FLIRTY: As you should, you look amazing!

GRACE_FLIRTY: There’s going to be no losers here tonight!

{0}_FLIRTY: I feel like the real winner.

PLAYER_IDLE: I think I’ll stick with this.

GRACE_IDLE: Are you sure?

AMELIA_IDLE: We should give it our all before the twist!

{0}_IDLE: This is another chance to really wow the Casa boys.

Let me look again

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I’m feeling myself in this.

AMELIA_FLIRTY: As you should, you look amazing!

GRACE_FLIRTY: There’s going to be no losers here tonight!

{0}_FLIRTY: I feel like the real winner.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: I think I’ll just wear what I have on.

GRACE_IDLE: You do you!

I’m good with this

PLAYER_SERIOUS: I think I’ll just wear what I have on.

GRACE_IDLE: You do you!

GRACE_FLIRTY: Ok, are we ready, girls?!

{0}_FLIRTY: I’m all about the party.

AMELIA_FLIRTY: I actually wanted to tell you girls something.

GRACE_FLIRTY: OMG. Is this about Marshall?

AMELIA_FLIRTY: Maybe…

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Tell us everything!

AMELIA_FLIRTY: Ok, ok.

AMELIA_FLIRTY: I have a bit of a thing for him.

GRACE_FLIRTY: I knew it!

{0}_FLIRTY: Wow, you go, Amelia.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: What do you like about him?

AMELIA_FLIRTY: I really like his mysterious, confident vibe. It’s a huge turn on!

AMELIA_FLIRTY: He’s wild but in a sexy way, I don’t know what to expect!

AMELIA_FLIRTY: And he’s so charismatic.

AMELIA_FLIRTY: Honestly, I haven’t been this attracted to any of the boys in the villa!

AMELIA_SERIOUS: {0}, I know that you’ve been getting to know Marshall too.

AMELIA_SERIOUS: But I can’t step back from this one. I hope you understand?

Go for it

PLAYER_IDLE: I’d never ask you to step back from a genuine connection.

PLAYER_HAPPY: You came here to find love like I did so you should explore it.

AMELIA_HAPPY: Thanks, {0}! That means a lot.

AMELIA_IDLE: I was feeling awkward about bringing it up.

AMELIA_HAPPY: So, thanks for being chill.

I don’t love this

PLAYER_SAD: I don’t love that you’re into the same boy I am.

AMELIA_EMBARRASSED: I know, I feel the same! I didn’t want to be.

AMELIA_IDLE: I tried to focus on the other boys, but I’m drawn to Marshall.

AMELIA_SERIOUS: It feels like a special connection, and I want to see it through.

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: Ok...

AMELIA_IDLE: Especially since I stepped back with {0}.

AMELIA_SERIOUS: But I can’t back away from a connection like this.

I still plan to get to know him

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Well, I still feel a spark with him so I won’t be stepping away.

AMELIA_SERIOUS: Of course, I wouldn’t ask you too.

AMELIA_IDLE: We both came here to get to know people and find love.

AMELIA_HAPPY: And I think it’ll work out for us both one way or another.

GRACE_FLIRTY: The big question is, you kissed right?!

AMELIA_EMBARRASSED: Well…

Everyone in the dressing room goes quiet!

Amelia isn’t revealing anything.

{0}_IDLE: {1} has been getting the tea on Marshall today.

{0}_IDLE: Did the boys say anything interesting?

*They had a lot to say actually!

PLAYER_SERIOUS: Actually, they all had a lot to say.

GRACE_EMBARRASSED: Much as I’m desperate for the tea…

GRACE_EMBARRASSED: I guess we should give them some space, {0}…

AMELIA_SERIOUS: Oh yeah, like what?

PLAYER_SERIOUS: Francis said that he doesn’t trust Marshall at all.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: He doesn’t get a good vibe.

AMELIA_ANGRY: Well Francis has barely chatted to him!

PLAYER_SERIOUS: Even so, he doesn’t think that Marshall is right for you.

AMELIA_ANGRY: Maybe Francis should mind his own business.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: And guess what Hamish said.

AMELIA_SERIOUS: What?

PLAYER_SERIOUS: He said he saw you two kiss!

AMELIA_SERIOUS: I know you’re just being a good sister with these warnings, {0}.

AMELIA_SERIOUS: And I get that you went on a date and this is pretty awkward.

AMELIA_SERIOUS: But if you must know, me and Marshall did kiss!

AMELIA_SERIOUS: We’ve been getting a lot closer.

AMELIA_SERIOUS: The connection between us is electric!

AMELIA_SERIOUS: I’d like the chance to see if it’s something real…

Grace comes over to interrupt.

GRACE_EMBARRASSED: I think you should be careful, Amelia.

GRACE_IDLE: Try to take it slow, yeah? Why rush if it’s going so well?

GRACE_SERIOUS: He may not be who you think he is.

AMELIA_SERIOUS: Well he’s been nothing but nice to me.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: What do you mean, Grace?

GRACE_EMBARRASSED: All I’ve heard is him stirring up drama!

GRACE_SAD: And he’s been lying about Ozzy.

AMELIA_SERIOUS: You don’t know that he’s lying.

GRACE_SURPRISED: You don’t know that he’s not.

GRACE_EMBARRASSED: He may have feelings for you, Amelia, but you need to keep your eye on him.

Amelia turns to face Grace!

AMELIA_ANGRY: Maybe you can’t be happy for me because things aren’t great with Ozzy.

AMELIA_ANGRY: But I’m here to find love, and you aren’t going to stop me.

Amelia storms out of the dressing room!

GRACE_SURPRISED: Wow. That was a lot.

{0}_EMBARRASSED: I guess we should go and join the party.

GRACE_EMBARRASSED: Yeah, I’ll smooth things out with Amelia later.

You leave for the Losers Party.

Nothing that interesting

PLAYER_IDLE: They had nothing that interesting to say to be honest.

AMELIA_IDLE: Well, that’s good to know.

GRACE_SURPRISED: And you’re going to leave it at that?

GRACE_FLIRTY: You’ve got to spill the tea.

AMELIA_FLIRTY: Sorry, girls. Keeping it to myself for now.

GRACE_SAD: Fine!

{0}_IDLE: I think we need to go and join the party.

GRACE_IDLE: Yes, let’s go have some fun.

You and the girls leave for the Losers party.

You step outside with the villa looking lit and the party already underway!

Hamish and Marshall are hyping each other up. Andy and Francis are cheering and laughing.

You, Grace and {0} step down into the party. The heads of all the boys turn!

GRACE_FLIRTY: Let’s get this party started!

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Woop woop!

ANDY_FLIRTY: This party has definitely begun now.

HAMISH_FLIRTY: Cheers to that!

Amelia appears from the other side of the party.

She makes a dramatic entrance!

AMELIA_FLIRTY: Hello, boys.

She blows Marshall a kiss, then shoots Grace some side eye!

GRACE_SURPRISED: This just got interesting.

You, Grace, Amelia and {0} step down into the party. The heads of all the boys turn!

GRACE_FLIRTY: Let’s get this party started!

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Woop woop!

ANDY_FLIRTY: This party has definitely begun now.

HAMISH_FLIRTY: Cheers to that!

ANDY_HAPPY: Woo! I love this song.

Andy starts to fist pump dance, and you all join in!

Amelia dances close to Marshall. They’re giving off some serious heat!

{0} dances on up to you.

{0}_FLIRTY: Can I have this dance?

Groove with her

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Absolutely.

You move in front of {0} and grind against her!

Her eyes light up and you move to the music together.

{0}_FLIRTY: You’re a great dancer.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: So are you!

Slow and romantic

You move close to {0} and put your arms on her shoulders, slow dance style.

{0}_HAPPY: This is nice.

You sway in time to the music, grinning at each other.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Really nice.

Not feeling it

PLAYER_IDLE: I’m not in a dancing mood right now.

{0}_IDLE: Sure, no worries!

{0} continues dancing on her own.

Dance next to each other

PLAYER_HAPPY: Sure.

You scoot next to {0} and start jumping up and down.

She dances next to you in time to the music, smiling at you.

Andy dances on up to you.

ANDY_FLIRTY: Can I have this dance?

Groove with him

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Absolutely.

You move in front of Andy and grind against him!

His eyes light up as you move to the music together.

ANDY_FLIRTY: You’re a great dancer.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: So are you!

Slow and romantic

You move close to Andy and put your arms on his shoulders, slow dance style.

ANDY_HAPPY: This is nice.

You sway in time to the music, grinning at each other.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Really nice.

Not feeling it

PLAYER_IDLE: I’m not in a dancing mood right now.

ANDY_EMBARRASSED: Sure, no worries!

Andy continues dancing on his own.

Dance next to each other

PLAYER_HAPPY: Sure.

You scoot next to Andy and start jumping up and down.

He dances next to you, smiling at you!

Francis dances on up to you.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: Can I have this dance?

Groove with him

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Absolutely.

You move in front of Francis and grind against him!

His eyes light up as you move to the music together.

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: You’re a free spirit, {0}.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: So are you!

Slow and romantic

You move close to Francis and put your arms on his shoulders, slow dance style.

FRANCIS_HAPPY: This is pretty special.

You sway in time to the music, grinning at each other.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Really nice.

Not feeling it

PLAYER_IDLE: I’m not in a dancing mood right now.

FRANCIS_EMBARRASSED: Sure, no worries!

Francis continues dancing on his own.

Dance next to each other

PLAYER_HAPPY: Sure.

You scoot next to Francis and start jumping up and down.

He dances next to you, swaying in tune with the music!

As you dance Marshall catches your eye!

He breaks out his best party boy moves taking the atmosphere to new heights.

The Islanders cheer and woop to the good vibes.

Amelia playfully dances with him. Their connection sparking.

The party continues!

FRANCIS_IDLE: Back to the villa soon, ladies.

{0}_IDLE: I know, I’m not sure I’m ready for Casa to be over!

HAMISH_FLIRTY: I wonder which of the OG boys’ heads are being turned by the new girls!

GRACE_SERIOUS: If any!

AMELIA_FLIRTY: I wouldn’t really mind.

ANDY_IDLE: How would you feel if Elliot twisted, {0}?

I’m cracking on, he can too

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I wouldn’t really mind.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: There are lots of other interesting people in the villa, and in Casa!

PLAYER_FLIRTY: If I’m cracking on, he can too.

Andy gives you a flirty smile!

ANDY_FLIRTY: Can’t argue with that.

Francis gives you a flirty smile!

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: Can’t argue with that.

Marshall gives you a flirty smile!

MARSHALL_FLIRTY: Can’t argue with that.

{0} sends a flirty smile your way!

{0}_FLIRTY: If we want to get our flirt on, nothing should stop us.

Pretty gutted

PLAYER_SAD: I’d be quite gutted to be honest.

PLAYER_SAD: I think there’s something between us.

Andy looks a bit put out.

ANDY_SAD: Oh…

Francis looks a bit put out.

FRANCIS_SAD: Oh…

Marshall looks a bit put out.

{0} looks a bit surprised.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: And I don’t want to be at risk!

Not even thinking about it

PLAYER_IDLE: There’s still time for everyone to make decisions.

PLAYER_IDLE: I’m not thinking about it right now.

GRACE_IDLE: Exactly! It’s not over yet.

PLAYER_IDLE: We don’t know what’s going to happen!

Your phone pings in your pocket!

PLAYER_HAPPY: I’ve got a text!

GRACE_SURPRISED: Read it out, {0}!

LITEXT: Islanders, it’s not a party without a little beer pong. Score a point and pick an Islander to reveal an embarrassing fact! {0}Bounce {1}BeerOfTruth

You all look over to see a table already set with plastic red cups and ping pong balls ready for action!

You see a stack of fact cards with the Islanders’ names on.

GRACE_FLIRTY: This is going to be fun.

HAMISH_HAPPY: Fine with me, I’ve got nothing embarrassing to reveal.

ANDY_EMBARRASSED: Oh dear, I’m not great at beer pong.

FRANCIS_HAPPY: A chance to get to know each other better!

MARSHALL_HAPPY: I’m ready to bounce… the ball!

AMELIA_HAPPY: Girls vs boys!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Let’s do this!

You separate into teams, girls on one side and boys on the other.

ANDY_HAPPY: Ladies first!

Grace steps up and grabs a ping pong ball.

She launches it at the cups, it misses!

PLAYER_IDLE: So close, Grace!

HAMISH_FLIRTY: Wayward.

GRACE_SERIOUS: Thanks, Hamish. Let’s see what you’ve got.

Hamish steps up and aims the ball. It misses!

GRACE_FLIRTY: Wayward!

HAMISH_SERIOUS: Didn’t want to show you up.

AMELIA_FLIRTY: Sure, Hamish, sure.

Andy and Francis share a quick look!

{0}_HAPPY: Amelia, you’re up!

Amelia grabs the ball without thinking and throws it straight into the cup!

MARSHALL_FLIRTY: That was amazing!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Who do you want to get to reveal something Amelia?!

AMELIA_FLIRTY: Marshall!

Marshall drinks from his cup and reads his embarrassing fact from the card.

MARSHALL_EMBARRASSED: When we were little, Ozzy didn’t want to wear matching outfits but I did…

MARSHALL_EMBARRASSED: I begged our mum to buy me the same clothes as his and say it was her idea!

AMELIA_HAPPY: That’s so cute.

GRACE_IDLE: Hmmmmm, that checks out!

That’s so cute!

PLAYER_HAPPY: That’s the cutest, Marshall.

MARSHALL_HAPPY: I don’t still share his fashion sense.

AMELIA_FLIRTY: I definitely prefer yours, Marshall.

That’s cringe

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: That’s pretty cringe, Marshall.

MARSHALL_HAPPY: Just like Ozzy’s fashion sense.

AMELIA_FLIRTY: I definitely prefer yours, Marshall.

Amelia and Marshall hold flirty eye contact.

{0}_HAPPY: Your turn Marshall.

Marshall launches the ball in one smooth motion, but misses all the cups!

Amelia gives him a flirty wink!

GRACE_HAPPY: You’re next, {0}!

{0} skips up to the table. She throws the ball overhead like a tennis player!

It bounces off the rim of the cup.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Good effort, {0}!

{0}_SAD: That was nearly in!

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: Bad luck, {0}, you’ll get it next time.

{0}_HAPPY: Off you go, Francis!

Francis goes for a unique approach, bouncing the ball multiple times, straight past the cups and off the table.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Unusual technique, Francis.

FRANCIS_HAPPY: It usually works better!

GRACE_HAPPY: Ok, {0}, it’s up to you!

You step up to the table and eye up the cups in front of you.

You take the ball, aim it, and it lands straight in the cup!

{0}_HAPPY: Yes, that was amazing!

GRACE_FLIRTY: Who’s fact should we hear, {0}?!

Hamish

PLAYER_HAPPY: It’s gotta be… Hamish!

Hamish drinks his cup and rolls his eyes as he reads his card!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Let’s hear it then!

HAMISH_EMBARRASSED: The first time I tried to get into an exclusive Chelsea club…

HAMISH_EMBARRASSED: I got turned away at the door and told to get better shoes.

MARSHALL_HAPPY: Ouch! That one stings.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Ok, that was a good embarrassing fact!

HAMISH_SAD: It gets worse. I was on a first date at the time.

HAMISH_EMBARRASSED: And by the time I got back she’d pulled someone else.

MARSHALL_IDLE: Her loss, dude.

Francis

PLAYER_HAPPY: It’s gotta be… Francis!

Francis drinks his cup and makes a face as he reads his card!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Let’s hear it then!

FRANCIS_EMBARRASSED: One time I was at a very intense bikram yoga class.

FRANCIS_EMBARRASSED: And when the teacher pushed down on my back to help my form, I farted, quite loudly.

ANDY_HAPPY: How did you ever go back?!

FRANCIS_FLIRTY: I had to go back to prove that it didn’t happen every time.

HAMISH_SERIOUS: Smart move.

MARSHALL_IDLE: And did it happen again?

FRANCIS_HAPPY: It happened again. It was actually hilarious.

Everyone laughs.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Brilliant!

Andy

PLAYER_HAPPY: It’s gotta be… Andy!

Andy drinks his cup and grimaces as he reads his card!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Let’s hear it then!

ANDY_EMBARRASSED: When I was just starting out as a vet I went on a first date.

ANDY_EMBARRASSED: But I didn’t realise that one of the canine patients had peed all over my shirt.

FRANCIS_HAPPY: That’s one way to make a first impression!

ANDY_SAD: Safe to say I didn’t get a second date.

ANDY_FLIRTY: Always keep a change of clothes when working with animals.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Wow!

Amelia and Marshall sidle up next to you.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: What’s wrong?

AMELIA_EMBARRASSED: There’s something we need to tell you.

Suddenly, the party is interrupted by the tink of a glass.

You turn around to see Amelia and Marshall standing together looking at you all!

PLAYER_SURPRISED: What’s happening?!

AMELIA_FLIRTY: Everyone, we’d like to make an announcement…

NARRATOR: Looks like Amelia and Marshall are about to make some kind of couple’s announcement!

NARRATOR: I once made a couple’s announcement. Unfortunately they didn’t think we were a couple.

NARRATOR: It was a ‘situationship’ apparently. Which they announced the end of very quickly.

NARRATOR: But is this announcement about to create a tricky situation in the villa?

NARRATOR: Find out next time on Love Island!

[star-mum]

And so we begin

Criminal Minds Pilot Live Star Reaction

Ma’am why would you go just like that???? So fucking shady

Note to self: never stay in a potentially dangerous situation for a fear of being impolite

IVE SEEN THIS MAN BEFORE ! WHATS HIS NAME? A lot of tumblr girlies want to fuck him (good for them)

Gideon ? Is that his name?

THERE HE IS !!! THE TWIN !!!

I forgot his name again but this man is so handsome (the guy we ship with Penelope)

This is already really itching my criminology brain, I would love to take some sort of criminal psychology class

That was a very gentle nail clipping... is he keeping the victims nail clippings? Or like... “taking care” of them before killing them

MORGAN THATS HIS NAME !!!

I’m gonna say the wildest theories/accusations so please bare with me on this case (the worlds dumbest detective makes a comeback)

Okay so there was another voice in the room where they’re keeping the woman, maybe an accomplice BUT taking the “what did I tell you about the tape?” comment, it feels more like a leader/mastermind (?) kinda of thing

Like they are coaching the man we saw in the car to do these, Wax House is very much on the brain so maybe an older brother ?

“The Reid Effect” thats rude

When does his haircut get better ? (Probably ruder)

Also a lot of the victims were white blonde women with blue eyes (at least two of the pictures looked so similar) this could be about a sister or mom that has died, a need to fill that space (and if the relationship wasn’t great, a want to hurt them)

Im thinking about the younger sister cause they also mentioned the killer “dressed” them (idk if in specific type of clothing or just clean new clothes) before dumping the bodies and that can be an indicator of this sense of protection one might feel towards an younger sibling

HOTCH !! THATS THE OTHER GUY TUMBLR WANTS TO FUCK

Oh shit does he clip their nails so if they scratch him, theres less a chance of his dna under their nails ?

We’re 15 minutes in, this is too early to catch the killer

OH IS THAT THE DUDE FROM SUPERNATURAL? The sock puppet dude ? GARTH ? I think his name was Garth

“I don’t send a SWAT team into a house with kids” i like this lady, immediately

They’re not gonna go on a DID lane on ep 1 are they? (I wrote this when the found the Go board)

“Are you a fan of Andrew Baels work?

“No, Im a fan of yours” I KNEW HE WAS GONNA SAY THAT SKSKSKS HAD THE LINE VERBATIM

I love being thrown in the middle of plot with no context (not a read, I genuinely love it)

WE ARENT GOING A DID PLOT ???

HERE SHE IS !!! PENELOPE BABY !!!! “I thought i was calling the office of supreme geniuses” “look gorgeous” AAAAA

I understand the Hotch thing, very gentle dilf vibes from him

See these like password investigating scenes make me feel so much more confident about my own passwords KSKSKSK without going into big detail of course but you could not get my passwords from anything in my room, SPECIALLY if you have limited tries

He knows he’s being followed OR the girl is in the TRUNK ???

“He said it was your idea to keep the girls in the boat” THAT WAS RISKYYYY SIRRRRR

YES !! GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE GIRLIE !!!

“Tiny Tim” KSSKKSSKS

HELLO ???? Well that’s fun 😶

Okay this show has like 16 seasons (im pretty sure it’s still going) so I’m not gonna commit to 22x16 Live Star Reactions, for I am incredibly inconsistent, but this is a dang good show (thank you Sunny @tenpintsofsundrop <33)

[nichavez]

Nick,

If you don’t mind, I have some thoughts regarding a lot of the criticism I’ve surrounding Monsters and you and Cooper that I’m gonna dump here really quick because they’ve been sitting my mind for too long :)

For starters, a part of me is just really confused as to why so many people are treating the show like it’s meant to be a shot-for-shot replication of what actually happened in the case? Because I don’t think it was ever intended to be. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but, from my perspective, the show is less of the story of the brothers, and more of the story of their case? And yeah while the brothers’ story (which mind you is the reality that I wholeheartedly believe, and) is incredibly important, it wasn’t the ONLY perspective that was flying around at the time. 

I just think it’s very very clear that any suggestion the show makes of a reality that is different from what the brother’s stated in the trial, is very explicitly an exploration of the massive amount of “ifs” that were flying around during the time. In fact I think Cooper said something similar in an interview somewhere.

What I seriously don’t get is why people are so pissed off at the depiction of Dominic Dunne’s “inc*st” theory, but the part of the show where the brothers dressed up in black jumpsuits to commit the murder like freaking cartoon assassin characters, is firmly understood as the show showing a fictional theory. Like, both are just two different theories that Dunne had at the time, and was either talking about to others or publishing about at the time; if a show is trying to capture the story of every aspect of the trial, then public perception is only naturally going to play a role in that.

Now I’m not dumb, I’m sure another big reason it was put in was because shock value. Was the scene really necessary? Probably not.

But, leading into my second point, I’m actually upset that the scene was put in, because the shock value of scenes like that, make it so that many people end up remembering the show purely based on those moments. Which genuinely sucks because it is so so so much more than that.

One thing that really stood out to me was just, purely the way so much of it was filmed. I mean it’s this highly saturated, exaggerated aesthetic of golden perfection that’s almost overly cinematic at times, I mean it really does not feel like a documentary at all; it feels like a film.

But the whole show isn’t like that. And I feel like the shiny scenes are so effective, not because they glorify the brothers’ story, but because of how fucking jarring they make the heaviest scenes of the show, which are stripped of this aesthetic. I mean the biggest stand out is obviously Cooper’s scene in “The Hurt Man”, like the color grading on the entire shot is just this empty, cottony grey that’s so barren, and like there’s sunlight on his face but it’s lost that pretty golden tone to it completely, and you can just see every shadow and crease of tiredness on his face. It’s just it’s such a startling contrast because of the picture perfect light we’ve become used to seeing him in. So those details coupled with his performance which is just, I don’t even really have words for it I really don’t. It truly just disturbs you to your very core when you watch that scene and, in that moment, come to the same realization that I believe many people at the time realized during their trial, of just how damaged this person who you thought had this perfect life, how damaged and hurt he really is.

That’s why I truly hate it when people chalk the show up to it’s less savory moments, because it completely ignores moments like these.

And while I could go on for hours about all of these scenes and interactions that people seem to just gloss over, I want to talk about the second to last scene for a moment because it has to do with you.

I’ve seen so many comments online critiquing your portrayal of Lyle as mischaracterized, overly aggressive, etc like, you get the general idea. But I honestly don’t understand how someone could watch your performance in that second to last scene, and come away from the show with any impression other than a crippling understanding of just how much Lyle loved his brother. Like in the first half of the scene you can see how just… tired, you are. Where Cooper’s confused, startled even, you almost seem to know what’s happening, with this like heavy, mournful acceptance in your expression. Yet still when he’s about to step into his van and he spots you, you give him that small nod of comfort. And maybe it’s because I’m an older sibling, but like in that moment I was just flooded with this horrible feeling of pure empathy, because I knew in that moment that I’ve had to give my little brother that nod before. And I’ve had to do the lean over that you do to check on Cooper in the other van, and give that smile of assurance even though you know that things really aren’t okay, and I remember having to close my laptop and remind myself to breathe from how hard I was crying when I watched that scene because while there’s others in the show, that’s one of the most prominent moments where it really hits you just how much these two had to let go of, and how much they’ve suffered.

And where something more sanitized and by-the-book something like a documentary has the informative advantage, that scene just makes you realize how human these people are. Because it’s different than just being able to understand and acknowledge their struggle and pain, it’s being able to feel even a shard of it within your own self, that level of empathy is a true feat to achieve. 

So yeah, I think it’s really easy for people to nitpick the show for its mistakes, which mind you, it has its fair share. But I truly do believe it does its job in telling the story from the perspective of the middle man, and embodies the phrase “don’t shoot the messenger.” And the fact that despite this unbiased approach, you still leave the show feeling the unjustness of their case, I think that goes to show more than anything that the show is anything but against the brothers. 

Anyway, sorry for the long ass ask I just had a lottt of thoughts on this. I totally understand if the topic is something you’d rather avoid, I mean having only looked at the case for a few weeks even I know it’s truly a devastating world to immerse yourself in, let alone for a year. But I’m curious if even on a high level, you agree or disagree with anything above? Lots of love <3

Hello there sweetheart! Sorry it took me a bit to answer. I've been quite busy this week. Wow, you've got yourself a looong message and the honestly, your insight is really beautiful and extremely well written. Thank you for taking the time to share it, we appreciate the way you put out your thoughts to us.

Cooper totally agrees with you, I myself would rather not comment much on this topic as I've said before, solely because the show is open to interpretation and I don't want to influence the viewers on it. However it's been out for a while and it seems that progress has been made from every side of the media.

You know, Ryan Murphy is well known to put the public eye on a hook, with contorversial ways he tells the stories. I agree with the part that the show is solely to put the information out there, in a cinematic and dramatized version of the reality by others portrayal. Ryan knew well before the filming that this was probably going to happen, he let us know the risks of these roles before moving forward and we still believed that the story had to be told. Hope this answers your question. Have a lovely weekend.

[amphtaminedreams]

The Fashion, the Thoughts and the Food (ARGH): 2023 Pt.1

Hiiii to anyone reading!

Isn’t this quite the surprise! A gap in posting which isn’t so vast that the context in which I framed it has had to be adapted several times since its inception! This was a 2023 part 1 post when I started and if this surfaces on the dashboard before June finishes (almost managed it!!!!) just consider me queen of organisation. I’m nearly finished with a piece of coursework on Prospect Theory and now I’m unburdened by THAT fucking torturous demand the somewhat constant sense of creativity-quashing confusion and fear is semi lifted. 

Originally, ya see, I planned to sum up the last few months with just a winter outfits post but that time went by so quickly and was such a shitshow, that when I came to reflect, it turns out I made myself presentable and did something interesting with my life on far fewer occasions than I thought. The prospect of going full 2013 lifestyle blogger and using this post as a conduit for a more general overview of the first half of the year seemed more fun and in the nature of why I started this Tumblr which was just to do fun, creative stuff, lol. Trying to build a whole post specifically on one topic and making everything neat is so silly when I’m just a silly little girl doing this silly little blog. It’s not like this messiness was ever monetizable or is intended to be. I am far too insecure to ever need to assume that there is anyone following whatever it is I’m rambling on about. All I promise to bring to the table is the enthusiasm and lack of refinement that characterised the early days of social media back when Tumblr came under the same umbrella as Bloggr, lookbook.nu, Polyvore, WeHeartIt, etc., humble little hobby platforms that were recognised as such and not as springboards for a career because they were for FUNNN not to make money. What an era! You need time, consistency, likability and a bit of self-restraint to do anything serious online and I can promise you I only have about one of these traits even on the very best days. What I mean is that whenever I’m on Tumblr or Pinterest just scrolling freely and liking and pinning and seeing what catches my eye, when it feels like I’m treating this as a casual thing, it’s a lot easier, and so I really want to push myself to just post stuff like this even if it feels irrelevant and unstructured because it doesn’t need to have relevancy or structure for me to post it. You’ve been warned!

There is 0 need to post as if you have to consider where sponsorships are going to fit or whether you’re going to piss people off en masse when you don’t have much in the way of an audience and you don’t NEED to have to have either to justify posting something online in the first place, wtf. Capitalist interests are very predictable in the sense that they can't NOT gatecrash a good party when they see it, cannot possibly avoid the urge to make everythingggg people enjoy doing feel like it needs to be packaged as part of a slick business venture but like…if the photo dump can be re-popularised (though I am kinda convinced this was a thing Instagram started themselves on the DL to distance themselves from criticism in this vein), then let’s call this Tumblr page a mind dump. A vibe vault, if you will. I know, ew. I hate myself for that one too. Plus these are less so things I’m vibing with because I don’t have adequate levels of chill  to simply "vibe" with anything anyway. Soo here are the first half of 2023’s Pathological Obsessions™, outfits, new fashunnn finds, places, media and some general sensitive thoughts.

Now let’s get into itttt.

The Fashionnnn Bit

*(if you’re here from the recovery tag maybe skip through this, use the find option and jump to the next “recovery” mention)

Starting with the fashunnn, because if there is a single kind of continuity on this blog it’s that. I’m gonna break it down into a few things. First, the designers I’ve discovered/rediscovered. Big shout out to Vogue Runway for entertaining me in that respect on the few occasions it decided to function properly.

But also!! also!! big question mark over why I can look at unlimited collections on the app but hit a paywall on the desktop site even when I’m logged in??? I’m emphasising this because I’m genuinely searching for answers here, lol, I’m not about to dish out my coins unnecessarily, not in this £1.65 for a bag of Magic Stars economy, ffs.

Back to the topic at hand though, I’ll structure the fashion section kinda like a Currently Obsessing Over post and cover a other few things as well. For starters, anybody whose style I’ve been appreciating recently-I can’t promise you I’m going to blow your mind with some obscure, undiscovered Instagram model you’ve never heard of, but I’m starting this tradition by gassing up Florence Given so I don’t think there’s gonna be much expectation of that going forward anyway, lol. Also, this section seems an appropriate place to get all the excitement out of my system about my  favourite ethical clothing store drops. I like to think of it as a redirection of the excitement that usuallllyyy results in me spending money that I am otherwise incapable of reminding myself I DO NOT HAVE. 

Lastly, the winter outfits that were the preliminary basis of this post will slot nicely in here. Let’s be real, as much as I’d like to think my using Tumblr is alllll about creativity, it’s clearly filling some kind of egotistical self-expression need too, lol. Ego hypothesis aside, though, I can confirm that I love to refer to “oooo potential for outfit post!” to justify the unnecessary Vinted and Depop purchases I make to myself whilst continuing to complain about being broke. But BOTH THINGS ARE TRUE AND IT’S NOT A CAUSAL RELATIONSHIP FFS. Yah, becoming aware that there are just as many gems on Vinted as there are on Depop did not do wonders for my savings goals, I have to say it. But it is ethical and cheap. Anyways, I’m just gonna sprinkle these outfit posts throughout the fashion section to dilute the vanity a bit.

*2023 purchases marked w/asterisk

-20th & 21st March 2023, Shoreditch->Beyond the Streets exhibition @ the Saatchi Gallery, outfit details L to R: mohair cardi from Collusion*, beret from ASOS*, faux leather blazer from NastyGal, faux fur coat underneath from Urban Outfitters, bag from ASOS, shoes from ASOS*, trousers from @niamho31 on Depop>beanie from ASOS, mini skirt from Minga*, cropped jumper from @alexnrx21 on Vinted, lace up corset top from @kyliemccabe99 on Vinted, & Doc Martens-

Currently Obsessing Over: Patou

-Top to Bottom: RTW S/S20, RTW S/S21, RTW F/W20-

I want to thank girlie Dakota Johnson for many things, one of them being introducing me to Patou (though her making Ellen publicly uncomfortable by drawing attention to the besties with everyoneeeee bullsheet takes no.1 on the achievements list).

-L->R: RTW S/S 22, RTW F/W21-

It’s what I can best describe as a combo between Simone Rocha, Brock, and Charles Jeffrey Loverboy with perhaps a touch of Erdem, slightly twee and coquettish but fresh and modern at the same time; a few of the collections have a bit of a street style vibe, and these are the ones which show Patou at its best. If you told me this was the wardrobe of an upper east side school girl growing out of her Blair Waldorf era and into her Virgil Abloh groupie phase because she decided her true passions lay in music production and used daddy’s money to buy an apartment in the gentrified Harlem, I’d believe you. Every cloud has to have some kind of silver lining, and the lack thereof when it comes to the invasion of a bunch of posh arseholes suggests there’s room for an accidentally brilliant style lovechild like this somewhere out there.

-Top to Bottom: RTW F/W23, RTW F/W22-

It was Alison Williams in a very Audrey Hepburn Patou look at the recent Met Gala that solidified, for me at least, they’ve pretty much got the monopoly on old timey socialite with 21st century polish. I assumed they were a new brand but doing a bit of Googling for this post exposed my lack of formal fashion education, lmao, because they’ve apparently been established for, like. decades, and have just been bought by LVMH who aren’t the type to take a gamble on a fledgling label. Feeling silly rn.

-RTW S/S23-

The LVMH takeover begs the question, whyyy are we not hearing more about them? I suppose Julia Fox having closed their most recent show is a sign they’re growing in influence/fattening their money pot at the very least, but in the meantime, the theme for the designers included in this post is obvs just gonna be undeservedly slept on labels lol.

-24th March 2023: hat from ASOS*, dress from UO, rollneck from charity shop, NastyGal faux fur coat from @emily170620 on Vinted-

Whatever Happened to Stella McCartney?

-Top to Bottom: RTW S/S22, Resort 2022-

Stella McCartney is one of those names everyone knows in the fashion industry but I’d say is rarely given the level of praise she deserves? Dare I say the collective sentiment is to kinda write her off as a designer condemned to 2000s irrelevancy? Is it because the association people make with the McCartney dynasty is now a brand of vegetarian sausages which aren’t even that bloody good? omggg, I can’t speak to the Linda McCartney mozzie burger but the sausages are nasty!!

-Pre-fall 2021-

Disgusting sausages aside, if we are talking the products of nepotism or powerful “connections”, some successes are more merited than others. If we can manage not to begrudge a specialist vegetarian chef her dues despite our awareness that the famous name has at least partially played a role in getting those human rights violating sausages in the freezer aisle of every Tesco, Sainsbury's and Asda near you? If we do that on the basis girly was onto a good thing by filling a necessary gap in the market? Well we OUGHT to talk more about Stella McCartney and make sure SHE gets her place in the freezer aisle next to the Carte Dior (comedy genius) too.

-clockwise L>R: Pre-fall 2017, Resort 2019, Resort 2017, RTW S/S18, RTW S/S17-

I say all this with the disclaimer that I too really fucking hate how dominated so many fields of work are by the importance of “connections” and the way that it makes pursuing a career in the things you’re actually passionate about the kind of pipe dream you relegate to the realm of those driven by delusional, childhood optimism next to the corpses of the princess and prima ballerina fantasies. I hate that if I had wanted to pursue a job in fashion or film the best I could hope for would be a decade as a coffee runner under Wes Anderson’s 2nd cousin’s son or sat in a windowless, underground LA office managing Lila Moss’ Twitter account for my entire adult life. But you know, the fruits of one’s rich and successful parent’s connections are better earned by some nepo babies than others and Stella McCartney is one of the good ones. Those M&S red diamond strawberries were not simply handed to her. Tossed maybe, which necessitates some kind of ability to catch, but not handed. 

-clockwise L>R: Resort 2020, RTW S/S20, Resort 2024-

-Top to Bottom: RTW F/W18, RTW F/W17-

You don’t end up the creative director of Chloe solely because your family has money-there might be people equally as talented as you that didn’t have that stepping stone but I’d like to believe there’s no stepping stone strong enough to explain surviving CSM, successfully maintaining the reputation of a label pretty much renowned for being the epitome of understated elegance, and opening your own fashion house on the back of that. The other nepo babies could jump on their lil rocks all they like but they just haven’t got the upper body strength to deadlift their way onto the ladder. Stella stays hitting the metaphorical weights zone whilst the rest of them stay walking on the treadmill with me in complacency Kingdom. The fact there was a time when I used to actually run on treadmills? I could not BELIEVE. We’re out of the metaphor zone now btw-probs shoulda made that one a bit clearer.

-Top to Bottom: RTW F/W19, S/S19, Pre-fall 2019-

-Clockwise L>R: RTW F/W21, Resort 2023, Pre-fall 2023, Pre-fall 2022, RTW S/S21-

For one, she stands apart from other designers in that her brand has been at the forefront of ethical fashion from its inception. She was doing sustainable fashion long before using animal byproducts like leather, faux fur and suede was frowned upon, when animal cruelty for aesthetic’s sake was thought of as a talking point mostly adopted by fringe environmentalist groups, and where any public figure being able to leverage a major fashion house into abstaining from the use of animal fur was something unthinkable. But honestly, I’m really not hyping Stella up just for that but because she genuinely has been rolling out quality collections for years now. 

-Top to Bottom, L>R: RTW S/S15, Resort 15, RTW F/W15, RTW F/W16, RTW F/W14, RTW F/W15-

-RTW F/W23-

I can see how you could stick her with the safe label but I do think there’s talent in being able to identify elements of the ephemeral, “out- there” fashion trends with actual staying power. Stella has been able to streamline those elements into something that works outside of the high fashion bubble, and looking back at the archives was a delightful browse through the volume of evidence proving that knack. I don’t know why the name doesn’t carry more prestige other than the tendency of the high fashion industry to dismiss anything that is somewhat attainable to the average person, but if consistency is enough to grant Chanel a pass to put out the sameeee thing everyyy season because it fits with the widely established image of the brand, welllll…on the other side of that coin, consistency born of a sustained, purposeful, and analytical observation of the trend cycle and a concerted effort to refine rather than regurgitate the insane amalgamation of buzz pieces that emerge from the ever growing roster of fashion weeks…that warrants way more recognition, no?

-Top to Bottom: RTW F/W22, RTW S/S23-

-3rd February 2023, Objects of Desire exhibition @ the Design Museum, Kensington: Corset & trouser co-ord from ASOS*, blouse from ASOS*, trench coat from charity shop, & Doc Martens-

-3rd March 2023: cardi from @alisi on Depop, skirt from ASOS*, beret & shoes from ASOS-

Antonio Grimaldi 

-Clockwise L>R: Haute Couture (HC) F/W23, HC S/S23, HC S/S22, HC S/S19, HC F/W22-

For all my attempts to articulate what it is I like about collections from buzzy up-and-coming avant garde designers or prestigious labels known for intellectually driven, abstract pieces, I am no better at describing why stumbling across collections from the likes of Antonio Grimaldi fill me with joy. Pretty dresses give me a serotonin boost. Imagining myself as a princess in one is good for the soul, lol. I’m team Barbie not Oppenheimer. Does that sum it up for you? And as much as I feel duped being reeled in by Vogue sponsored content, on this occasion I’ll let it go because these creations are masterful and I’d never heard of the designer before they were featured.

-Clockwise L>R: HC S/S20, HC S/S21, HC F/W21-

-8th February 2023: skirt from Urban Renewal @ UO*, cardi from Collusion-

-23rd March 2023, Mike Nelson: Extinction Beckons exhibit @ the Hayward Gallery, Southbank: top from @kissmypeach on Depop, skirt from Ebay, waistcoat from @crisishawtline on Depop, coat from charity shop, shoes as before-

Gucci Resort 2024

I wouldn’t be surprised if we’d been through an AI takeover, another pandemic, and mass flooding throughout Britain by the time I get round to doing a 2024 collections post, so for the sake of making sure I cover my most pressing high fashion related concerns (I.e my opinions on runway shows I could only ever aspire to sit back row at in my very wildest dreams let alone own anything from), I thought I’d include the Gucci Resort 2024 collection from earlier this month in this post. See my expectations of greatness have been tentative since we lost my love, Alessandro Michele, under whose reign Gucci became my absolute favourite high fashion brand-I would get genuinely excited in anticipation of his collections every time Milan fashion week came around, which really is a little bit sad when you think about how far removed I am from that sphere of existence, but ya know, as a source of styling inspiration his maximalist, extravagant and wonderfully extra take on Gucci never failed me. 

Don’t get me wrong, this collection isn’t on the level of anything Alessandro did in his last few years as creative director but I suppose that’s something that comes with the confidence granted by time at the helm and this slots neatly into his body of work as a continuation of that elevated blend of the decadent retro aesthetic with modernity. Soo it’s promising and as a stand alone collection, comparisons prohibited, I do really like it.

-13th February 2023, Making Modernism & Spain and the Hispanic World exhibitions at the Royal Academy, Piccadilly: trousers from the Ragged Priest*, corset from ASOS*, beanie from @rosiejg2 on Depop, linen shirt from ASOS*-

-16th February 2023: beanie from Primark, skirt, cardi & corset from UO*, faux leather blazer & coat underneath as before, tights from ASOS*-

Florence Given (me life? Or some style inspo anyways, forgive me the bad pun)

Look, I know she’s everyone’s fave white feminist to go in on buut she hasn’t done anything egregious enough that we can’t appreciate her style that I’m aware of, at least? She makes a lot of valid points, one of which is that we will absolutely slaughter women for doing like 1/4 of the morally questionable shit male creatives do before we cross the threshold of dismissing their work. That man probs doesn’t deviate from jeans and a t-shirt 95% of the time!!! But Florence is the besttt at the 70s bohemian rock vibe, a shining example of why I may allow it on this occasion if the next in an endless list of tik tok’s aesthetic crazes is piratecore  (or have they been there done that already?), and an aspirational figurehead for all those of us who identify as members of the more layers the better agenda. To put it delicately, regardless of your feelings about her, with the acknowledgement maybe it’s not my place to give an opinion anyway, anybody who’s wondering how you combine the nomadic romanticism of Alessandro Michele’s Gucci/Etro/Erdem/Zimmerman/Johanna Ortiz with a little bit of that YSL glamour, we owe her one for the visual manual that her Instagram feed provides. You know, take some inspo. You don’t have to credit her. Level the playing field. Isn’t that what she did? Idk lol. It’s 2020 something. Expecting completely originality from anyone is a lot to ask. All I know is that there’s no harm in more popular feminist literature even it can be seen as surface level and her style is delicious, lol.

-13th March 2023, Lao Cafe in Covent Garden: jeans from charity shop, top from ASOS*, arm warmers from UO*, coat from @shikirajaydeen on Vinted, scarf from @jools560 on Vinted, coat underneath from UO-

-31st January 2023, @ Russell Cotes Art Museum & Gallery, Bournemouth: jumper from Bershka*, skirt from @semmoore on Depop, linen shirt from @alicialouwoods on Depop, hat, shoes and tights from ASOS*-

-10th March 2023, street art in Brick Lane: dress from the Ragged Priest*, faux leather blazer as before, coat from charity shop, tights from ASOS*-

You Better Buy, Bitch (as Karl Marx probably NEVER said)

Does it probably go against my principles to make purchase recommendations? I mean, I’d say probably, but let’s be real, being able to rave about something with minimal to no influence is a perk of the act of posting, for me at least, pretty much being an act of screaming into the void.

Pre-loved Faves

Given I’ve shown a bit of a Vinted bias in my last few posts, I thought I would stick to all the lush lil pieces I found on Depop recently. They were all still available last time I checked, which was a few weeks ago, so hopefully that hasn’t changed!

Make of these (and their potentially crappy quality given the sacrifice entailed when you want to include like 32 screenshots in one image with a pixel ratio designed for Instagram posts) what you will.

Ethical? Newness: Superdry

Any fashion company that has “it’s a start” as their rating on Good on You is practically saintly in the grand scheme of things hence Superdry’s tentative placement on this list.

What I want to know is when did their stuff get actually…a bit cute? 

My adolescence took place at a time when Hollister, Jack Wills, and (this one was practically a mark of the elite, it’s exclusivity only bolstered by my head of year’s banning of those paper bags with the anonymous male’s six pack on them) Abercrombie were the height of fashion, accessible to only an exclusive few, and Supedry, whilst not quite held in that level of esteem, was also up there. I might only have been able to get a couple of Hollister sale tops but a Supedry branded T-shirt was marginally more accessible; for whatever reason, my parents tended to see their stuff as high quality investments rather than lumping it in with Hollister, Abercrombie etc. as part of a fad of the youth, lol . Anyway, the point is, I very much dismissed all those brands as crazes of a bygone era. Buuut, despite a niggling discomfort with the English owner’s seeming attempt to masquerade as a Japanese brand,  it’s come to my attention that some of Superdry’s stuff (and actually, Hollister too) is a…bit of me? To be more specific, they do these retro style print sundresses which I have on my Karma wish list, my fondness for which is definitely in part attributable to their resemblance to Lana Del Rey’s early stage outfits. ARGH, her performing songs from the UV album in those psychedelic mini dresses were a cultural moment which still crosses my mind on the daily.

On top of that, their clothes fall within the upper regions of the high street’s price range which means they’re the kind of one-off pieces that are going to stay in your wardrobe for a long time and not end up in the fast fashion doom spiral that’s filtered through the local charity shops straight into a landfill 50% of the time.

The Ragged Priest

The latest drop I…girlies if I wasn’t BROKE already, this collection would be taking me there. I’ve gone on about my love for TRP ad nauseam already so I don’t think I need to add much more here.

Arcana Archive

Arcana Archive is an online Japanese clothing store which acts as a platform for small, independent designers to sell their stuff. It ships worldwide and despite a relatively more expensive price mark (I’m talking in comparison to a site like ASOS which operates on a similar business model), the pieces are really unique and quite experimental within the confines of current trends. But yeah, you really can’t get much more ethical than buying an independently designed piece and Arcana Archive cuts out the uncertainty by facilitating that through a streamlined medium.

Regal Rose

Behold their absolutely STUNNING new collection. I am sooooOooo obsessed with every jewellery line they put out. They have, quite simply, perfected the delicate to dominatrix vibe ratio lol, and have the most unique and show stopping collections of statement jewellery out there by a mile. 

Very Important Face Paint

1. Tarte Shape Tape

Look, nothing is every going to be able to fully erase these dark circles. I got into a space where I was okay with them because they looked hot on Bella Hadid, lmao, but as much as I don’t want to be influenced by whichever TikTok aesthetic we’ve deemed “of the moment”, this whole clean girl thing got me pretty much back in that “would under eye fillers really be thaaaat bad?” headspace. What is a clean girl? Why does the Pinterest tag look like a white supremacist’s inspo board for the creation of a master race? I’m overrrrr the back and forth on how WOMEN’S FACES, like our GENETICALLY DETERMINED FEATURES, should look to be “on trend”! Holy shitttt, like I’m sorry that tinted moisturiser isn’t going to cover up a break out on my chin but we are not blank canvasses to be used as ad billboards for skincare products. I’m not getting under eye fillers because 1. in this economy? I think the fuck not! but 2. because the concept of getting a needle under my eye bothers me to my core. I really want to try and practice what I preach in that our uniqueness is what makes us beautiful but ARGH it’s such a difficult stance to take when it comes to accepting your own insecurities. 

Soo let’s just call Tarte’s Shape Tape concealer the middle ground. I am under no illusion any concealer is going to get rid of my dark circles but anything that reduces the number of times people (usually men) feel the need to tell me I look tired is pretty much in the business of miracles. I have really tried EVERY other hyped up concealer from Touché Eclat to Charlotte Tilbury’s Magic Away concealer and this is the only one which makes a noticeable difference. It isn’t super easy to get in the UK which is the only drawback but I managed to get it on offer through QVC, as much as it pained me to do that given the deeply embedded association that exists for me between borderline sociopathic individual Lisa Rinna and the enterprise. But needs must.

2. YSL Touché Eclat Foundation

I won’t hold it against the Touché Éclat range that it was not capable of fixing my dark circles. Many greats have tried and failed and that is no mark on their greatness but a sign of my unfortunate genetics and terrible sleep schedule. And this foundation is gorgeous on every level; it truly is so smooth and glowy but simultaneously matte and blends into the skin like the milk I imagine cleopatra bathed in. IK I like a hyperbole but don’t let it be the reason you dismiss this stuff because it is goldddd.

3. Bybi Babe Balm

Truly got me feeling like a babe, this is the closest thing my dull, crusty ass skin will get to looking alive.

4. Urban Decay 24/7 Glide-on Lipliner

The only lipliner I have ever known not to bleed, and to retain its pigment for any substantial period of time. I haven’t tested it’s staying power past the 14 hour mark but I can confidently say it made it with only a slight fade to that time stamp.

5. NYX Dewy Finish Setting Spray

Very decent for the price and gives an amazing finish. The claims of its similarity to the Urban Decay setting spray is all that stands between me and further damage to my bank account because look, if I can get something slightlyy cheaper for only a slight discrepancy in quality I’ll take the L. Like all NYX products, it’s vegan and cruelty-free as well which is a personal must. 

Food…for Thought (see what I did there)

*Hi, recovery people, it starts here!

See if I do this again, ideally, there’s not going to be a whole category for food lmao. And strap in, btw. This section is 90% of this post’s mammoth word count, I reckon.

I’m thinking in future I’ll break the things I’m about to mush into one up into:

A more specific “places” category which will go beyond restaurants, I promise, and actually include other must-dos around London and anywhere else I happen to visit!

A more specific purchases/recipes/general recommendation category.

And then keeping a thoughts section separate as long as what I’m about to address continues to be relevant and helpful. I’ll expand in a sec. It’s a topic I’m disproportionately afraid of posting about considering there’s not exactly anyone hanging on my every word, lol, but still. Ideally in time, a “thoughts” section will transcend the topic of the anorexia recovery experience, if I do manage to shake my 5 remaining brain cells out of their dormancy anyway. Yeahhh, I thought I’d just drop it in there, bite the bullet and reveal that recovery is this elusive “issue” I have some thotsss on before anybody reading thinks I’m about to go on some outrageously offensive rant which ends up being the thing that DOES catapult me to online infamy and gets all excited.

This potential future post structure is more for the sake of having a more clearly defined section to broaden my recommendation horizons beyond restaurants to museums, galleries, general activities/experiences etc. But like, on this occasion my food recommendations are prefaced with some thoughts n feelings because they give a little bit of context as to why a list of restaurants is the first thing that comes to mind whenever anyone asks what’s good to do in London aside from the obvious tourist traps.

I’ve gone back and forth on posting anything about this subject a lot, kinda unnecessarily really. Like I said, I don’t have a tonne of followers, nobody that I know irl follows me (maybe like one very close friend), and so it’s not like there’s any real ramifications of whatever I do or don’t choose to post about. The perception that I’m making a declaration to some vast audience I don’t doubt is just an extension of that internalised male gaze thang which makes everything in life feel like it’s an act of solicitation for other people’s opinions based on which I decide whether or not the crushing sense of shame I constantly feel atm is warranted.

Making my first post on the anorexiarecovery Reddit (which has the cushioning of anonymity that Tumblr obvs lacks) and just how much it helped me and on a more general level, how hearing from others who have recovered from a long-standing eating disorder has helped me, is the kick up the arse I needed to finally talk about it here. If feeling like you’re “sick enough” to accept help is hard, you can imagine openly identifying  yourself as “in recovery” is even harder so please just gently let me know if you come across this on the anorexia recovery tag and there’s ways you feel I could have more sensitively addressed the issue.

Like a girlie is vulnerable, lol. I’m a whole mess, most likely even more unbearable to others than I was in the depths of anorexia. Even when you start the formal recovery process and have the intention to follow whichever course of therapy or program or treatment you’re receiving, thinking of yourself as actually in recovery and the acceptance of everything that comes with that, rather than seeing treatment as a means of learning how to maintain your control and your weight and basically, your anorexia, in a slightly less dangerous and mentally exhausting way, takes fucking ages. I hate being out of control. Hate it, hate it, hateeee it. And I know I know. Anorexia is more about control than about the food itself so that is probably an unnecessary addendum. But it’s a cliche for a reason, lol.

Saying traight up that you’re in recovery and identifying with other people who are feels like a very permanent thing and a huge change to your life as you know it. It’s solidifying that there is no going back now, allowing your body to do all the things with the acceptance that this is a process you cannot control, and that you can’t use anorexic behaviours to try and get that sense of (fake!!!) control back. When disordered eating of some kind is all you know, in my case a cycle of anorexia and binge eating that has gone on for as long as I can recall being aware of the fact that there’s a correlation between what I eat and how my body looks, it takes time to accept that recovery could represent anything but a fucking unbearable and embarrassing existence. I’m not the happiest with where I’m at in recovery right now but being willing to call what I’m doing right now that R word and affirming that this is a process of change rather than an adaptation of my mindset to a less outwardly concerning form is, from an objective perspective, really big! And I know I couldn’t have got here without being able to separate anorexia (I’m just going to shorten it to AN because it’s always felt a dramatic word for what has just been my way of life, if anyone can relate to that? lol) from myself, which happens when you can recognise that rather than everything you think is an inherent, unchangeable part of who you are being the cause, it is just something that’s been manipulated to become a fundamental element of a parasitic illness:)

This realisation has come from two different sources. Firstly, from the formal course of therapy itself (I’m doing MANTRA treatment for anyone who finds this and is in the same boat), and secondly, from spaces (I mean mostly online tbh but I have a friend or two in real life who have some experience) where others, whether still suffering from their eating disorder or fully-recovered, are voicing their own thought processes and feelings. We like to think of our thoughts as completely authentic and complex and as resulting from a reasoned conclusion, and we want to believe we do have control over our lives, so it only fees right to act in a way that aligns with these thoughts, but what you realise as you see the exact same sentiments expressed by others with AN is that a lot of the “thought” processes that fuel anorexia aren’t so uniquely yours after all. It’s one thing to be challenged about a single, isolated AN thought by someone you know pointing out that it’s not true and that it’s just the illness etc. because you can just defend its legitimacy and why you continue to act accordingly to yourself like “okay, that’s not rational and maybe sometimessss that’s a baseless, anorexia driven false belief but it’s different for me, this isn’t irrational. It’s true. I know this because I came to this conclusion myself and so in my case what I believe will happen if I don’t do X/Y/Z will actually happen”. The cognitive symptoms sound and look and adopt the same ways of thinking that you believe to be an inherent part of who you are. If you are a rigid, routine-oriented, stubborn, all-or-nothing, obsessive (reading the list of traits identified as signalling increased risk of developing AN was a bit of a self-roast I can’t lie) perfectionist then congratulations! You won’t notice anything out of the ordinary when those “thoughts” run through your head and you certainly will not think for one minute that they are textbook mental manifestations of an illness masquerading as your internal monologue. But maybe you will when you see just how routinely they appear as part of a more extensive, specific set of “thoughts” described by people who have also been diagnosed with AN. Big oh shit!!!! moment when you feel a little bit of the special snowflake armour melting away. 

The sense of vulnerability which descends upon the realisation you can’t trust your own thoughts, not knowing which of the responses that come into your head where you’re put into a challenging food-related scenario is the AN one, the “wise”/recovery mind (I.e the truth), and which one is the most “you” and honours YOUR well-being in all of this, feels like presenting yourself to Simon Cowell on the X Factor stage circa 2007, at its peak popularity. Ya got the whole of the UK watching, Simon looks you up and down, and says “it’s a no from me”, and then him, Louis and Sharon all start bickering about whether or not he was too harsh and whether Louis is being too generous by affirming your star potential. Essentially, it feels like throwing yourself to the sharks with no clue which one is being honest about how tasty you are. Enough metaphors?

Basically, eating disorder recovery of any kind involves mediating between a LOT of internal voices who guide you with dramatically varying levels of empathy and none of them agree. Throw experience of binge eating into the mix and the “go on, you knowwwww you’ll feel better if you do eat X, Y and Z” sentiment that characterises your impulses and how similar that can sound to the things you’re taught in recovery about how to listen to your body and practice kindness to yourself ANDDDD then what is most likely the AN voice which draws on all that societal shaming we do of women having “too much” of an appetite and it’s just, FUUUUUCK. It is so FUCKING. EXHAUSTING to constantly have to distinguish one from the other. I never realised how exhausting it would be. It has really turned me into a foul person to be around at times, and that is the thing I hate about all of this the most. But hearing that other people have had these thoughts, that they aren’t an objective truth of life or the only option in your case, that disentangling them becomes second nature in time, is the reassurance I’ve needed to keep me working at it. To have evidence that these thoughts are a symptom, not a inevitable product of who I am, and that they therefore won’t always feel THIS crushing gives me hope to just stick out the extra mental stress that introducing a mediator to the internal argument creates.

Sooo it feels worth describing some of these thought processes on here in case, selfishly, it connects me with other real people who have experiences of their own to share, or less selfishly, it becomes one of the many many recounts of these thoughts that somebody stumbles across which pushes them across that same threshold of like (Kylie voice) realising thingsssss. Well, you know, realising oh shit, there are alternatives to how my brain is dictating to me I must live my life lest I self-implode in an inferno of shame and self-hatred. That’s the state I personalllyyy associate with the version of myself that has tended to precede a shift back towards restriction, probably stemming from multiple sources but that the AN voice whittles down to the single variable of numbers on a scale. Realising that being trapped by the all or-nothing rules or rituals and impossible standards isn’t something you just have to accept because it’s the only viable way to live your life, that it’s just that sneaky little anorexia MF drowning out the alternatives is one of the first steps laying the foundations for a wholehearted go at recovery.

The ability to disregard the AN thoughts doesn’t stick naturally past that initial lightbulb detection moment without a constant effort to identify and reaffirm that’s all they are but with the initial realisation comes a sense of relief. Underlying that initial commitment to recovery was the visceral sensation of detachment I had once I realised just how many of what I believed to be my OWN thoughts were cognitive biases symptomatic of anorexia and the impact of its resulting malnutrition on the brain. In other words, that what I perceived as my core beliefs were mental manifestations of problems attributable to an illness, like any that we so seamlessly identify when they present as physical ailments.

The possibility that the categorisation of these thoughts as symptoms entails, that an adherence to all the rules I developed based upon them and the misery they caused me doesn’t represent the best of a bad bunch of outcomes, that the anxieties attached to these AN thoughts aren’t legitimised by facts of nature akin to whatever it is Einstein said about gravity or the laws of motion, and thus are something that can be viably challenged, is the fundamental driving force to keep at treatment. When you’re seeing everryyy other person with shock! gasp! The exact same condition feeling exactly the same, coming to the exact same conclusions in a roundabout way, you realise...ahhh, I’ve been DUPED. SCAMMED! Like I said, we can buy into something irrational by perceiving it as a truth exclusive to our unique psychological, biological, and physiological makeup, our specific self-concept; it’s natural to want to think of ourselves as unique individuals whose decisions in life result from a sensible weighting of all these factors. Nobody wants to feel like they are pre-programmed to behave in a certain way. Our sense of self-determination gives our lives meaning and that feels all the more important when our other tendencies make the experience of being alive feel a bit scary or monotonous sometimes.

It gets harder, ya know Occam’s razor and all, however, to continue to give any merit to the anecdotal logic of these beliefs when the much simpler explanation is that they’re very cut and dry AN thought patterns just subtly tailored to include some of the idiosyncrasies of your internal monologue and thought style so they’re believable enough to you as a legitimate, reasonable, self-realised philosophy sustaining your behaviours. To live abiding by the principles formed from this “reasoning” process placates that instinctive self-determination drive.

What I’m trying to say in an overly convoluted way (this is what happens when writing about psychology usually involves the suppression of any creative flair or subjectivity as is the defining feature of an undergrad essay lol) is that talking about it, resonating with the experiences of others and how their symptoms manifested, it helps. It makes all the situations you put yourself in so much less scary when the trajectory you’re on in recovery, though requiring you endure thoughts and feelings that are intensely distressing in the moment, has ultimately helped people in the exact same position you are get to a happy, healthy place in the lives:)

Realising there’s nothing essential to your survival about these thoughts, that they don’t warrant an entire section dedicated to them (and hopefully, at some point in the future, will not get from me beyond how much better off I am without them!!!), is the beginning of a process which allows you to see the world in its whole again, and there’s so many recovery stories out there to support this. I look forward to being a much less self-absorbed person in my day to day life, lol, and being capable of meaningfully engaging with the expanse of vastly more interesting issues out there, even if this means opening myself up to a little bit more of that good old existential anxiety.

Getting to the point, then, this section exists to get these thoughts off my chest but in a way that is clear enough for anyone who comes across the tag to quickly be able to identify as similar to their own, and that gets across what I’ve found helpful in challenging them. It won’t usually be prefaced with all this context, lol! I really invite suggestions from others in the approaches they’ve taken to do this as well since you need as many tools to deconstruct AN logic as you can get your hands on, and I, for one, want my own toolbox to be full to the brim. I am to be the Bob the Builder of the anti anorexia agenda if you will, lmao.

For this reason, when I’ve managed to separate an AN thought from myself and isolate it, I’ve made sure to always note it down, trap that baby in a glass like a spider, and that’s that on how to do a perfect metaphor because I KNOW SPIDERS CAN’T HURT ME AND THERE IS NO REASON TO BE AFRAID OF THEM BUT IT FEES LIKE THEY’RE TARGETING ME, OMG. Yes, turns out spiders represented an eating disorder free life all along. To describe these thought processes on their own and just make them salient to somebody who is already trying to drown them out wouldn’t necessarily be helpful so I’m only going to address or articulate a thought when I have something to challenge it with, that I’ve picked up either through MANTRA, my studies, recovery advocates, or now and again that I’ve concluded myself and found to be reassuring. I can’t promise that the latter source will be of value but they’ve been important to me and maybe will trigger somebody else to apply that same (potentially questionable) reasoning process to their own circumstances and consider that new perspective. It’s rare but once in a blue moon sometimes this silly little brain of mine does strike something not quite gold but maybe bronze or silver, takes a dip in the pool of positivity, and shuts down the AN bullsheeet all on its own. I have to take stock of these incidences somewhere, lol.

On the basis it’s still pretty early days, there’s still a lot of AN thoughts I can’t quite convince myself don’t have some legitimacy, so when/if I do address them in a post it’ll likely only be one or two at a time as follows. Whether there ends up being too many to limit to a section in these seasonal update/summary posts because I go back to my typical lackadaisical posting schedule and end up having to just do an overall progress post at some point down the line we shall see but for now, I’ll get into it:-) on today’s agenda I wanna address:

The Spectre of Shame: 

Yess, AN really be on some Mike Flanagan shit when it comes to convincing you that recovery is the catalyst for some unbearable onslaught of shame. Hinting at it, revealing flashes of if, hanging it over your head but never actually revealing it or what would be sooo fucking unbearable about this experience that there’s no available coping mechanism or approach to remedy the resulting pain. 

Fearing my recovery body and other people’s reactions has always been a big hurdle in seeking treatment in the first place. Underlying it has just been this mental cacophony of potential responses. Notably, the idea that the people you care about will forget how ill you were at some point once you achieve a healthy weight and suddenly come to resent you for being “dramatic” about the whole thing and putting them through the things you did as a result of AN. 

Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Shocker! It’s some more AN driven bullshit! And it is part of the way it sustains itself by making you afraid of throwing yourself into treatment. The truth is that the people that expressed their concern when you were sick, at first my primary motivation to give treatment a third (lol) chance, are affected by it much more they let on. Seeing you at your sickest is not the kind of thing your loved ones forget, and if anything they’re probably massively fucking relieved and grateful when they see you becoming more relaxed around food. I didn’t realise how exhausting it was for my family to watch me be completely consumed by my eating disorder because it wasn’t addressed routinely, it was only when other situational factors pushed everyone to the edge that it would all come out and I’d see how much anxiety about my health was being kept from me for the sake of not causing upset.

I get that openly choosing treatment feels a lot like walking into a crowded room of your friends, acquaintances, every last human being you’ve ever encountered, and inviting everyone there to hyper scrutinise your body. Ooo, is she gaining too quickly? Has she let herself go? Has she lost control? She’s weak. She’s sick, she has an eating disorder, but one that makes her more pathetic than us because we all want a whole ass bar of chocolate you cheeky lil bitch but why are you so SPECIAL you get to have one just because you’re sad!? 

Again, AN, I BEG of you: shut the fuckkkk up. I know rationally that I wouldn’t for a second make that inductive leap about someone else who stated they were in their recovery. If anything I would be ecstatic for them knowing how good it feels to finally give your body all those things it has been gnawing away at you to give to it for so long, to experience that freedom. Think about the environment you’re in and the people around you. The people in my life are kind, and understanding, and if I’m judging their likely reactions by all their past behaviours, they’re likely to have the same thought process as I would about someone else just chowing down all that food that is so good for the soul. If they’re not, I don’t want them in my life anyway. 

The shame comes from me and me alone. At this point, every time I do actually pay attention to what I’m craving and try and respond to that in a non-judgemental way, and accept that the absolute worst scenario in my head (omg wow weight gain, a never before witnessed human phenomenon!), I take a step backwards, and evaluate what power the actual worst case scenario consensus actually holds.

So people do think I’m greedy or weak or whatever. It’s the way I coped and still do sometimes to give myself that little serotonin boost through food, to eat every delicious thing in sight. It’s not a moral failure. Everyone has their ways of coping with strong emotions and for every way in which we give in to one self-soothing impulse, there’s some other coping mechanism we’re resisting. The idea that there is an empirically verifiable relationship between eating for joy and any kind of negative trait is a load of shite. I can’t help but think misogyny has a lotttt to do with it too. Like, can you imagine a show called Woman Vs. Food? Wolfing down everything in sight is practically celebrated when it’s a man doing it, or at the very least, just accepted as part of the male predisposition, much like a high sex drive. Horny, hungry woman=slutty slob in the eyes of society, lol.

How much/what you eat can’t inherently make you a bad person. The only adverse effect is probs that long term, it isn’t going to feel great for your body. In my case at least, I know my internal fluids be moving like Valhalla after a mad one on the carbs and salts lmao, soz if that’s tmi but nobody with anorexia said anorexia is actually glam or a B&W 2013 tumblr inspired serve in anyway. It’s 40% annoying gross body issues and 60% internalised shame, boring food thoughts, fear and the constant burden of calorie counting because who the fuck wants to be doing maths 24/7. Recovery in the long run takes a fucktonne of will power. JFC, it’s a marathon, it’s the 800m you got signed up to doing on sports day without your permission. So if you describe the internal conflict you go through with that, anybody who will still look at you choosing to eat what you ACTUALLY want at the end of the day and think that represents weakness…ridiculousness.

To stand on that stage and announce “I’m in recovery” and for that to be visible in some way or another (reminder that thinness isn’t a complete measure of sickness anywaysss!), isn’t something embarrassing. it’s a sign that it’s working and that I’ve hit the “oh my god what have I done” hurdle and actually jumped over it this time, and not been sucked back into AN. To learn to be okay with your new body, and be okay with others opinions of it off the back of that, is a part of recovery I feel I’m only just starting to be asked to think about in treatment as I enter the weight restoration zone. It’s defo revealing itself to be one of the strong walls of my AN’s lil fortress. That opinions about the way we look are important isn’t something that can be just shut down with science like those other AN “facts” are. One thing I loveee about my therapist is that she always brings the feminist perspective into it. Like, as women it’s drilled into us from the moment we’re old enough to comprehend there’s some implicit societal code that our worth is at least in part determined by the acceptability of our appearance, to the extent it feels like an inherent truth that we owe it to others to conform to beauty standards if we want to be treated with respect. Anorexia pounces on that and uses it as evidence as to why it’s not an illness, but something to be cherished, something you would be useless without. Treatment has focussed a lot on personal values and principles to aid that self/anorexia separation process so far and I think it will come in useful here too, again to break down the legitimacy of these beauty standards which reinforce AN fuelled beliefs, and tbh, are ever fucking changing anyway. Psychologically speaking, conforming to an arbitrary beauty ideal would never be a reproducible (see, it may have been some term 1 year 1 week 2 level terminology but I did get one thing out of my Research Methods modules) anyway.

I wish I wasn’t a fashion loving girlie:( I wish the phrase heroin fucking chic had never entered my verbal lexicon:( I wish I hadn’t fucking internalised the ideals of the 2013 EFFY STONEM LANA DEL REY ARTIC MONKEYS SOFT GRUNGE BRUISED KNEES SAD B&W GIF 90S AESTHETIC etc. etc. etc. Tumblr era and allowed it to mutate into the enduring ideal of what external standards would constitute my perfect self, the one that would have all her shit togetherrr and be okay. I wish it wasn’t an ideal which I still have to see reinforced every now again, when I engage with something I’m passionate about, minding my business browsing Vogue runway and seeing that YSL once a-fucking-gain seemingly came to the conclusion they’d maxed out their body diversity quota by hiring just ONE singular model who may be, like, a size 10 at a push in amongst the 30 other size 4/6 girls walking.

Maaaaybe that I feel this way, though, have such conviction about how harmful these standards are, will give me something positive to focus my energy on rather than wasting it paying any attention to these kinds of arbitrary societal ideals. We don’t have to accept that respect would be given on a shallow basis, and tbh doing what you can to fight that norm sounds a lot more fulfilling anyway. 

Anyway, I look forward to adding some proper, professional logic to what I can only summarise as that brain fart as I cover it in treatment:-)

“This is the Best it Gets”:

The biggest lie AN will tell you.

It might mimic that harsh AN tone a lil but I find it necessary to remind myself “course this isn’t your best life. FFS, everyone knows what this disorder does to people. You know of people that have died from it. The number of people that have recovered happily is huge. The outcomes for the people who have maintained their anorexia into adulthood on the other hand are BLEAK. So why are you so special that you’re the exception to the actual, EVIDENCE based rule. Anorexia is horrible and it’s shit and it IS possible to overcome it. Get a grip.”

The way you think is not the result of you having been fundamentally and irreversibly changed as a person, and does not represent an irreparable apathy towards the goals and principles that used to motivate you in life. Not to repeat myself as I’m sure I am doing here but it has been so hugely validating to hear my therapist (whether she’s just very good at her job, speaking from personal experience, or both, idk! I want to ask but I don’t know if that’s appropriate or not? Thoughts?) essentially say “I understand. This doesn’t feel like something you’re suffering from. It feels like something you are deciding to maintain, that you’re choosing thinness over the people you care about. But it is hurting you the most and why would you choose that?” MANTRA is based on the idea of several factors coming together to cultivate an AN mindset, a combination of thinking style, personality traits, values, relationship styles, experiences, and emotional disposition. Of course these factors aren’t always possible to change but you can change the way they feed into your AN and develop methods of channelling them other than through the medium of restriction, towards achieving other, more positive and fulfilling goals. You’ve always had these traits and you didn’t always need AN to get by, right?

The belief AN is a choice, not an illness you can be inherently vulnerable for,  goes hand in hand with the way eating disorders in general are misunderstood, including those that manifest in extreme obesity. You see it most with the people who will tell you to “just eat” and “why are you doing this to yourself!”. And then you feel like a fucking awful person. Why AM I doing this to myself? Look at what this is doing to people who care about me. Either I’m a fucking horrible selfish person OR I NEED this disorder to survive. I don’t think I’m the best person on the planet. But I don’t think I’m evil enough of a person to want to cause everyone pain if there was an alternative. It’s the last thing I want to do. So there must BE no alternative. This must be my only option. The result of this logic is the sense that there’s nothing beyond AN. Shame is the only thing on the other side of the coin it feels like you have no choice but to flip, it’s prospective existence a phantom in your head that you use anorexia as a shield against because it tells you it is your only defence. This is what AN does. The less you eat; the more you think about food, and the less capable you become of thinking about the bigger picture. The more rigid and black and white in your thinking you become. It’s eat nothing or eat everything, so even eating something sometimes can feel like opening floodgates. When you starve your brain of nutrients, you don’t have the cognitive recourses to think about nuance or develop solutions. Learning that was another intense lightbulb moment, and I almost physically felt things slot into place inside me, like I’d got a bit of myself back. The realisation that this, the psychological process underlying our conviction that anorexia is the be all and end all, is the ACTUAL truth, not the thought itself. That I continue like this isn’t the only way forward. That moment where I finally understood these thoughts weren’t organic, that they weren’t MINE, that they’re textbook AN biases, was really eye-opening. I just needed, still need, a little help to get the ball rolling and bring my rational voice back into the convo. 

I might not know exactly what an alternative I’m comfortable with looks like though with each practical suggestion I try and can tolerate, that becomes more fully formed. And though I can’t predict exactly what the end result of that alternative will be, what I do know is at the very least it will take away a handful of minor inconveniences. Shopping in the little girl’s section for pants for example-the PARANOIA I get when someone even glances in my direction whilst I’m doing so that they might think I’m some nonce who just enjoys perusing the kid’s undies section. No more! Your body panicking when you eat a bit more of certain types of food and either A). Sending you into a food coma, and yes, that’s WHEREVER you are and whatever you are doing, sitting in a theatre show or the cinema and even more frequently, on public transport or B). Immediately demanding you go…expel that entire whole meal right now of your own volition or find yourself empathising with Will McKenzie in that episode of the Inbetweeners where his bowels took his A-levels for him. The COLD!!! I spent far too many days this past winter trying not to cry because I was that painfully fucking freezing. The circulation issues had the skin on my knuckles cracking open when I bent my hands FFS, I was out in the customer service trenches serving people with raggedy ass plasters all over my hands, getting dirty looks from the pensioner buying his 3rd pack of JPS Superkings of the day, I-

It’s such an unglamorous disorder, and yet we still romanticise the shit out of it. Well let me tell ya. I do not feel ethereal or delicate or fragile or any of those qualities that I probably internalised as being inherent to anorexia back in those tumblr 2013 days. I feel boring and grouchy and gross and self-absorbed and incompetent. Utterly useless except as a calorie counting machine. No wonder catwalk models always had such a rep for being airheads because depleting your brain of nutrients, as has finally happened this being the longest restrictive phase I’ve experienced, truly makes you dumb AF in ways you don’t actually realise. Like stuff just goes in one ear and out the other and I have become this truly chaotic, all over the place person which is incredibly frustrating because I used to be, and want to be, someone who makes every effort to be on top of their shit with everything, always. Unfortunately, your brain just loses the capacity to hold all the information you need in the right places or evaluate anything properly and your time management gets all over the place. Your common sense disappears and you don’t make the links that keeping up with the pace of daily life (especially true in London, lol) requires. Anything that isn’t related to your AN loses its importance and without the motivation to give other commitments your full attention, the considerations you need to make to fulfill them fall through the cracks. The worst part is that people get sick of your shit because it seems like you just don’t care about them. You either feel incompetent as fuck or wonder if you’ve actually always been like this which deep down you know you haven’t because you’ve never felt such frustration at the inability to actually execute all these plans you make. I don’t want people to worry, I don’t want to go back to a hospital ever again, I don’t want to be painfully cold all the time, I sure as helllll don’t want such irregular bowel movements or hot and cold sweats, crusty ass skin or purple hands. I want to live deliciously (sorry Florence Given antis), and I WANT to be able to romanticise my life and AN doesn’t provide the content the 2010s soft grunge corner of the internet would have you believing it does. It’s just exhaustingly mundane, uncomfortable, and awkward.

The best thing I’ve noticed since committing to a regular eating schedule, to give one example of a recovery commitment, is that the constant mental chatter has significantly reduced. Sometimes no thoughts head empty is the GOAL. I do not want my brain to feel like the store I work at on a summer bank holiday once all the other supermarkets have closed. There is so little space for anything else-I gave up reading the news like 2 years ago because anything outside of the ED perspective felt trivial and that’s ridiculous. Kourtney Kardashian could scream PEOPLE ARE DYING! In my face and I’d be like yah, whatever. But to be serious, and kinder to myself, the soundtrack to the past few years of my life has seemed to ricochet between 2 defaults: a shouting match at the Queen Vic fought not by Kat Moon and…some other Eastenders character  (idk, it’s been a while since I watched, I forget the rivalries) but instead between advocates for all the different impulses and urges and rules and regulations, OR a droning, mundane static, occasionally permeated by calculations and conversions of calorie consumption to weigh gain in pounds. There is very little feeling in the anorexic experience. Pretty much just frustration, boredom and anxiety, fear of the absolute worst happening but you don’t know what that absolute worst even is and can’t really articulate exactly why it’s so terrible. Like the end of life seems to be spiralling towards me sometimes (thanks chronic anxiety and climate change and late stage capitalism heh) and I can’t get over how much FUCKING TIME I WASTE THINKING ABOUT FOOD. FOOD. There is nothing interesting about food unless we’re talking about how good it is. The best meal deals, sophisticated subject matter like that. 

My intention in articulating these thoughts is because the more of their forms you encounter, the clearer the similarities in their underlying structure becomes, and the easier it is to recognise them as symptoms. Once we know symptoms are all AN “thoughts” are, and that it’s part and parcel for the distorted reality we experience to seem like absolute truth, it gets a lot easier to have faith that acting to contravene the rigid boundaries they’ve led to us imposing isn’t going to result in catastrophe. When we have evidence that treatment for any physical illness is effective and reduces symptoms, we trust it’ll ultimately reduce them for us too even in the face of short term unpleasantness we experience as a result. So the point of verbalising these thoughts is to affirm that they are something which necessarily become less intense each time we assess and challenge them.

To wrap this section up, I really, seriously welcome feedback from anyone in recovery coming across this. Like, I hope none of it is patronising, or comes across as if I expect anyone to read and be like “thanks girlie, ya cured me!” xoxo

I want the way I explained myself to be helpful. If not, it’s just a particularly self-indulgent ramble lol. It seems necessary to articulate an unhelpful thought pattern before I get into challenging it in order to highlight how textbook it is but ofc when I name or describe the thought, I don’t want to do that in a way that enables or reinforces anybody else’s similar belief. Any suggestions if this section has done that for you are welcomed.

On top of that, it goes without saying I’m extremely privileged to have won the postcode lottery in finally getting a long-term, holistic, person-centred form of therapy. I hate to say I’ve been unlucky in the past with what I’ve received because I know some people have had no help at all, but what I’m trying to say is that it does take intensive support to overcome this not just, like, realising things. It‘s a lot easier when you have someone you know knows what they’re talking about, and whose support extends beyond the scheduled hours you have with them. The AN voice doesn’t take a day off and so much damage can be done in just a week without the recourses to challenge it. Being able to reach out to someone who uses their knowledge to validate you and relieve that extreme loneliness that comes with feeling trapped inside your own head, who treats you as a whole person who needs pointers on how to adapt the knowledge taken from scheduled sessions to the complexities of your everyday life and doesn’t fault you for not knowing already, is so essential. You need that external voice to hold you accountable in actually translating the act of challenging your thoughts into action, but one that communicates with kindness and empathy because they know that otherwise it all starts to feel a bit too similar to the tone of AN. What I wish is that there was some kind of sponsor network similar to those attached to AA/NA groups/if there already is, it was more widely known of. Of course, a professional sounding board is the best you can get but any external, motivating voice that comes in conjunction with a thorough understanding of how deeply embedded an ED is and knows how difficult it can be to challenge what feels like the core of who you are, can help. I don’t like to sugarcoat stuff, so I say all this with the addendum that you can be as picture perfect a model of a recovered anorexic as they come and still be changed forever by the period you spent consumed by it, especially if that begins at a young age when your brain is still developing. I do kind of believe the echoes of any ED will always be there, and the framework the illness puts in place in your head to maintain itself never fully crumbles. Your perspective may always be through a slightly disordered lens. But that framework will become weaker and it will become easier for the objective truth to break through and storm the gates and ultimately be victorious against what becomes a very fragile, pathetic version of the disordered voice, to make decisions based on principles of self-care and compassion. Obviously, knowing all this stuff in isolation won’t always be enough. I can identify thoughts as a product of AN, know they’re not going to get me where I want to be in the long term, but honestly don’t always have the energy to ride out the fight or flight response that going against them entails. The self-criticism and shame is still quite instinctual at this stage. I’m at the point of slowly testing what actually happens if I make small transgressions of those food rules, tolerating weight gain regardless of how uncomfortable it is, basically debunking the existence of this spectre one bar of Dairy Milk Oreo or B&J’s Baked Alaska at a time. It’s kinda like the flooding stage of phobia-specific CBT. The trick is that in the meantime, whilst you’re distracted by all these difficult feelings, your brain is well fuelled enough to redevelop the ability to think in shades of grey, and remember the things about life you loved before you gave the illness your complete unyielding devotion.

I’m hoping in time, especially as summer comes to an end, it will be easier to deal with the physical changes. I adore the sun and the heat and the beach but at this stage in recovery, I think I’ll feel more optimistic once the seasons change and bring with them the opportunity to wrap up and drape myself in layers. Like, although I’m almost within the healthy weight range now, there are moments when the (unfair and unwarranted) recognition that I no longer have the body that I was unashamed of and how that has become unattainable again fills me with self-hatred and disgust. For a second maybe, there is a rush of emotions worthy of the fear I felt at the beginning of the recovery process. To bring back the spectre, that initial full glimpse of it is sufficiently horrifying to make it tempting to reach out for the AN shield again. But the longer you share a space with that entity, the more obvious it becomes it’s just a costume. You notice the faint lines where prosthetics meet the skin and the rings around the contact lenses, and eventually it’s like seeing the lady who plays the Nun IRL on the red carpet, like witnessing a Scooby Doo unmasking, where you realise the horror is in the all the attachments and that what lies underneath it all can’t actually hurt you. These feelings aren’t a one time affair, they occur enough to make you feel really shitty and overwhelmed, but they are transient and there is a sense of freedom that comes with this being a body which doesn’t involve depriving yourself of everything you crave and the fear of all the other devastating consequences. A rush of painful emotions far supersedes death by a thousand cuts if you will, lol. There was a time when the thought of gaining even one pound was unbearable and yet here I am. So I know that I can get through these surges of distress too, and I don’t plan to set unrealistic expectations of being perfectly okay with it on myself right now. I said to myself yesterday I probably won’t wear shorts again this summer. But that’s okay for now. Any day that solidifies my commitment to resist AN is progress. This body acceptance should become easier with the luxury of a private, safe space to fully process these feelings, without any unhelpful outside influence on how I reshape my self-image. The last thing you need when you’re trying the radical self-acceptance thing is the prospect of external chatter that comes with being exposed to everyone else’s judgements too, as is the case in hot weather when you’re like, socially obligated to get ya bum out. I need that chance to be okay with my recovery body as it is rather than feeling pressure to accommodate it to others expectations, which I know I shouldn’t and once I know myself better, hopefully won't feel the need to. Being able to challenge the worst case scenario of shame and judgement from others isn’t possible if I still haven’t got to a place where my confidence and faith in the objective, non-disordered, empirically viable truth is robust enough to not give the hypothetical judgements any emotional weight, to stay neutral and detached as AN goes into overdrive trying to adjust the marker at which this unbearable, worst case scenario will occur. It doesn’t like it very much when you reach the previously established threshold, the one that was once so terrifying you couldn’t bear the thought of any kind of change pushing you towards it, and realise…oh…soOoo my world hasn’t fallen apart. Shit. And you wonder what exactly it was you were so afraid of. Still, with each revelation, whatever’s round the corner of this next threshold is still scary. It’s just that with each one you overcome you have more faith that you can muddle through it as you have before. It’s not an instinctual faith but one you have to actively search for on difficult days where you reflect on your lowest point and grieve because it was something you feel you really suffered for and LORD knowsss, we all love to romanticise tragedy. But you keep doing that over and over again and you choose to try and cope, something that takes practice, and ultimately the idea is that you won’t need faith at all, that acting against eating disordered thoughts will just make sense. The CBT-ish part, the restructuring of the cognitive framework maintaining AN into one which makes looking after yourself the easy, sensible option (I.e your new default) rather than something that’s gonna lead to eternal pain and suffering over just how grotesque it makes you, (tehe feels good girls x) can only work as it should once you’ve also had that exposure to observe how-decisions less dictated by anorexia actually turn out, as in maybe there is no earth-shattering catastrophe to follow. You need to have built up a body of evidence that the resulting scenarios are ones you can withstand. You also need to be able to perceive life in its entirety, outside of the disordered tunnel vision you’ve developed, to remind yourself, and wholly comprehend, the richness of the experiences AN steals away. That isn’t always there for everyone, which is why I want to reiterate that recovery doesn’t boil down to having “enough” strength, but about having reasons to recover too and I’m privileged in that aspect.

But anyways….flooding, a sponsor, CBT? Did I just create my own treatment programme? Much to think about. 

I don’t know how to round off such an intense section so I guess, here are some restaurant recommendations???? Which I felt compelled to include as a means of developing my budding Google reviews career (shout out to my one follower), and thennn onto some more lighthearted stuff, ya know, stand out films, TV, books etc. of the first half of the year. But maybe in future posts, assuming I continue to progress, I can start talking about some of the things I’ve gained in recovery to round up the thoughts section. It kind of sounds like a cliche that your AN tells you is bullshit that recovery is gonna improve your quality of life like of course they’re going to make this shit sound like a trip to Barbados, but just as accumulating other people’s accounts of anorexia symptoms delegitimises the truth you attribute to those symptoms, hearing the specifics of positive recovery experiences legitimises the idea that it’s something tangible. At this point I can already say I’ve got back into cooking, which I loved before my restriction got obsessive and health and balance and all that malarky was a goal of weight loss. SooOoo maybe I could share some recipes too. ANYWAY. Let’s get into my fave London eats, which I hope will also grow and evolve to include general London/travel recommendations as I regain the capacity to retain memories of experiences other than those revolving around food, lol. Unless I miraculously come into a large windfall of cash, the “travel” recommendations will most likely be limited to other UK places but on this occasion I can dip my toe into the “wAnDerrlustt” tag realm and kick things off with a few recommendations for Lisbon which I visited at the beginning of June. Having that goal of being able to write about these things in a few months time in a completely different mindset is definitively a good source of motivation. Being able to experience all these new places without the security blanket of my regular meal routines and advanced planning is scary but that spontaneity is part of what makes a trip away so exciting. Although on this occasion, being away and allowing myself to try everything I wanted didddd trigger a bit of a downwards spiral, in hindsight, that was a pretty good flooding experience and learning experience in general because like…I was bloated as fuck by the end and you know, 2 weeks later and I’m still here. Plus, all that boujie low calorie “healthy”, “high protein” food is costly!  Gym lads must be broke, honestly. If I want to do enough to justify an exPerIencES section I have to start eating like a normal human being, right? And just buy the Chicago Town pizza and the regular Ben & Jerry’s on Clubcard (as hard as Gym Kitchen pizzas, Yorkshire Prov. soups, Oppo ice cream and Halo Top Cookies & Cream/Cookie Dough flavours slap and you can’t tell me otherwise). I’ve gotta get some CULTURE and replicate the (mostly) fine dining experiences I had at these bad boys, which are my London stand outs of the last few months. 

Tavolino, London Bridge

Price Point: £15-30

Tavolino was fucking exceptional and thank god for that, because there is nothing worse than ordering a meat dish and it not feeling worth breaking the veggie streak at the end of it all. Their slow cooked lamb tagliatelle ragu was absolutely sublimeee, and so is the view, with the restaurant sat right on the Thames with the best view you can get of the City area. That’s the bit with all the skyscrapers that isn’t Canary Wharf, lol. When you’re sat with a beautiful dish of pasta in front of you and it’s all lit up, you almost forget all the moral corruption happening over there x

The service was also top tier. We had a waiter whose customer service performance was so elite you could almost believe they didn’t despise all other human beings which I feel at this point is an inevitability of working in a public facing job, lol. Like, he was super attentive but not annoyingly so to the point where you spend more time awkwardly swallowing your food as quickly as possible to feed back your enjoyment than you do actually eating it. 

My pasta was a leeetle bit on the pricier side (by my standards anyway, though relative to other London restaurants it’s one of the affordable ones, if you’re just doing mains and either a starter or dessert for instance). My pasta was probs the most expensive on the menu at about £17, discounting anything including seafood or truffle which are both icks for me anyway. I think I should take that as indication of the fact that my dream of living off the King’s Road is ill-fated, if I hadn’t worked that one out already when my card got declined in the Waitrose there when I tried to buy an own brand soup.

2. Ollie’s House, Chelsea

Price Point: £10-20

Sooo one of the absolute best things about treatment is that the clinic I go to is situated in the South Kensington/Chelsea area, which is how I came across Ollie’s House and a couple of the other faves I’ll mention. I should mention that yes, this is an NHS service, the clinic just happens to be based in Chelsea. I do not share a therapist with any Made in Chelsea cast members so no, I don’t have any wild stories about seeing Jamie Laing have a breakdown in the reception because being an heir to the owners of the UK’s bestselling biscuit company has given him pathological aversion to rich teas, or anything like that, sorry. 

-To clarify, that is a HYPOTHETICAL scenario. Jamie Laing’s family pls don’t sue me for misrepresentation, I’m a devoted fan of digestive biscuits, trust I’m a fan.-

What I do have is the location of one of the best all day brunch locations in London. Before you even get to the food, which constitutes a menu made up of Australian/Indonesian dishes (a fusion that produces reliably dreamy results and is arguably the only good thing to come out of rich Australians gentrification of that region), the interior itself of Ollie’s House is perfect. It’s spacious and airy, but also warm and inviting, full of plants and drenched in a colour palette inspired by sunset on one of Bali’s backpacker infested beaches. I should add here that I’ve never actually witnessed a Bali sunset but…a sunset is a sunset, you know. I’m gonna guess it’s the interior as a whole which gives the beach-y vibes, lol. 

Then there’s my Nasi Goreng which was ARGH. Beautiful, gorgeous, incredible. Rice for brekky, what a concept. Again, super friendly servers, which always adds to the experience.

3. The Jam, Chelsea

Price Point: £15-30

If I had to name just one of the restaurants I’ve visited in London as most worthy of the “hidden gem” title, it is The Jam, without doubt. From the outside it’s nothing flashy and it’s pretty small but the layout is everythinggg! The tables are on balconies! Like little treehouse structures! It’s adorable! I mean don’t get me wrong, you don’t HAVE to sit at one of the balcony tables if you don’t wanna climb the ladder up there (like, if you’re gonna be very thorough in your mission of trialling their very reasonably priced cocktails…perhaps…don’t?) but it’s so fun and makes you feel a little bit like a child again. It kind of does the impossible by creating an atmosphere that’s as lively as it is kitschy whilst still maintaining a sense of intimacy at each table, and general aura of sophistication. Say the food was just…decent, the novelty of the layout would make it worth a visit maybe just for the drinks, but idk, I feel like you can never be TOO disappointed by pizza ffs. What makes The Jam one of my absolute favourites, though, not of just the first half of this year but probably all time, is that the pizza is fucking heavenly and HUGE on that note. Mine was nduja, salami, and burrata and holy shit it was good. Like I am a pizza QUEEN. A good pizza outranks pretty much any other dish bar a good burger. This is up there with Crust Bros in Waterloo and this lil place called Pizza Baracca in my hometown area. This is a niche one because it’s a little family run takeaway in an area where the tourist industry is DYING (something I’m guessing the, uh, multiple recent stabbing as on the beach have a little to do with) but if by some wild and quite honestly bewildering coincidence you ARE reading this, and you have plans to broach the Dorset region over the summer, here’s your Deliveroo back up. You’re welcome. Consider them bonus recommendations xo

4. The Yorkshire Pudding Burrito Company, Kerb Market @ Camden Lock

Price Point: <£10

Look, Camden Lock in general is not what it’s hyped up to be. It is always teeming with people, seemingly regardless of when you visit. But the food on offer at the Kerb Market despite the lack of sheltered, and frequently, actually available, seating, makes it entirely worth a visit; on a warm, dry day you’ve also got the option of walking a little bit further along the canal to find somewhere quieter to eat. There’s a few Kerb street food markets dotted about London, and the South Bank one is a lot closer to me, but it truly pales in comparison. Not only does it house the Mac Factory (truly my bestie back in 2018 when I was in UCL halls and there was a branch at Euston Square station less than 100m away), but it has the Yorkshire Pudding Burrito Company which I’ve always wanted to try. That I spent SO much money on food in first year and passed the second half of it in a binge cycle and in that time, never tried one? A tragedy, lol, because it meant I’ve I spent the last few Christmasses telling myself that the ones they sell at my hometown’s Christmas market would suffice only to chicken out on that aspiration because it felt like a waste to go for the imitation when the real deal was out there. 

But recently, when I’ve travelled back up to London for therapy, I’ve been challenging myself and going through my Google maps list of all the places I bookmarked to eat whilst I was up there and couldn’t face the anxiety of at the time. My sister and I found ourselves in Camden recently for an art exhibition and on this occasion, it seemed like fate to test if it did live up to the expectations I’d formed over the years, which is a rarity. And guysss, the impossible occurred. It ACTUALLY DID. The meat was melt in your mouth tender, full of flavour, and the roasties and garlic and rosemary caramelised veg inside were exquisitely done. For it all to be wrapped in a fluffy Yorkshire pudding though like…ARGH. Otherworldly experience, truly. I know it was just that good because the lack of mint sauce didn’t bother me, and this was something which used to necessitate suppressing the urge to throw hands when I opened the fridge on a Sunday and noted it’s absence. Of all the cravings that stand in the way of going full veggie, a banging roast is one of them.

My last pro tip is that if you’re a caramelised biscuit fan, which it seems we all are atm (and I hope it’s a food trend that, much like Oreo filled/flavoured anything, salted caramel and “gold” chocolate, stands the test of time because I’m obsessed), follow up your Yorkshire Pudding Burrito company wrap with some Lotus flavoured ice cream from the Soho Ice Cream company. It is by far the most reminiscent of an actual lotus biscuit of the ones I’ve tried. There’s also a Chin Chin Dessert Club branch at the lock which is another magnificent way of tying a bow on top of what I advise you make a 3 course meal. If you want a YPBC wrap (I can’t type the whole thing out again, soz) or a Mac Factory pot but you also see something else you can’t resist trying, I say do starters too lol. You will spend more than you would at a sit down restaurant probs but look, if you’re a tourist doing the whole London thing, street food markets are an unmissable staple.

5. Badiani Gelato, various London sites (& Brighton!)

Price Point: £5-10

Anyone I spend any decent amount of time with will know I am an ice cream connoisseur. It’s a toss up with pasta for the one food I could eat forever. It is absolutely no surprise I have a list of every ice cream place I want to visit in London. I’m dedicated to the cause, whatever time of year, and no judgemental looks from McDonald’s staff for ordering a Mcflurry to go in December or tuts from the lunch lady at my secondary school for buying a Feast ice cream for lunch in sub zero temperatures has ever knocked my undying determination to satiate my yearning.

This pursuit continues to the capital and thus far, nothing has come close to Badiani gelato, another one I treated myself to for the first time after a therapy session given there’s one super close. I really can’t see anything tasting quite as good as their salted butter caramel flavour or their signature Buontalenti flavour (the Fior di Latte and white chocolate are fucking incredibleee too). Like listen, say heaven does exist. Say I don’t get to go there. There isn’t an Angel up in that cloud land who could whip up anything this ethereal tasting for God himself. Soo abandoning my disbelief in anything supernatural, if I’m allowed to stay as a ghost lurking on the King’s Road forever, I’ll be okay with that.

I’ve been enough now that I recognise some of the staff and they’re all really sweet and generous with the free samples too, lol, and there’s a cute covered patio area at the back too so you can sit in and eat. In the unlikely circumstance in which anybody with the same niche bucket list comes across this, this needs to be at the top.

6. Unity Diner, Whitechapel

Price Point: £10-25

Vegan cheese is usually pretty rough. I think most of us who eat both that and the real deal can agree. But whatever godly concoction it is Unity Diner drench their Philly Cheesesteak in is enough for them to deserve Vogue’s bestowal of the best Vegan restaurant in London award all on its own because they did the impossible: created something even more bursting with flavour than the dairy cheese on any similar dish I’ve had elsewhere.

Add to that the incredibly friendly, warm and informative service, the interior, the entirely sustainable business model and 100% cruelty free menu, and I hope this place stays open forever. If it becomes one of the long list of Veggie places in London that have shut down the last few years I will be absolutely gutted.

7. Bancone, Golden Square, Soho

Price Point: £10-25

Right off the bat, I do want to make clear that it is the Golden Square branch (not Covent Garden’s) of Bancone I’m hyping up. I’m sure this a statement that is going to absolutely devastate a restaurant which gets entirely booked up until 9pm on weekdays a fortnight in advance, lol, but yes, the former is very much in my bad books. It’s a policy which probably extends to both their branches but look, I got stung in Covent Garden so I’ll be damned if I favour that place. They charged me a £50 no show fee. FIFTY FUCKING POUND. Their most expensive pasta is probably half that price. Let me repeat myself: FIFTY. POUND. We are in a cost of living crisis here! And forgive me pls if I can’t wait for god knows how long for someone to pick up the store phone so I can try and reschedule because they don’t let you do it online if it’s not done days in advance or whatever. I was MAD mad. I sent a very strongly worded email. They did refund me but that I begrudge that I had to go pompous customer mode for that courtesy.

Moving on to the ray of sunshine, anyway, which is the Golden Square branch because I came here for a food love fest not a pile on. Yes, the silk handkerchief pasta is every bit as good as it looks and way more filling than you would think. Our waitress was also so sweet despite the fact she was stunning enough to make me reconsider the boy brow and resembled Dua Lipa. The internalised misogyny had me expecting a lil bit of snobbery and I’m mad at myself for that because I’m almost pleasantly surprised every time a pretty waitress gives good service and this is in spite of my worst service encounters being dished out by male waiters at 2 separate Big Mamma restaurants. Yes, I’m @-ing the guy at Circolo Poppolare who scoffed at one of our party for trying to order a dessert wine with her main (imagine mansplaining wine ffs), and at Gloria who stood glaring at my friend and I as we approached the midway point of what we were reminded was ONLY AN HOUR AND A HALF booking slot the second we walked through the door. He took my cacio e Pepe dish off me the minute I finished my last string of pasta COMPLETELY DISREGARDING THE BOWL OF SAUCE I STILL HAD! Sir, I am a broke student. You’re going to punish me for not being able to afford a multi-course meal by taking away the food I DID order before it’s finished. 

This is really turning into a restaurant rant section, I’m sorry, but I have a lot of feelings about food. Did I mention? I can only apologise. At least you can skim read a post, it’s the people I’ll bore to tears with this shit irl I owe the apology to, whoopsies. The next 3 are short and sweet!

8. Miscusi, Covent Garden

Price Point: £10-20

What Miscusi does really well is balance a quick and casual vibe with stand out service and incredible quality pasta which far surpasses in taste what you’d expect from how affordable it is. It kinda works a bit like Crust Bros (or Subway I guess, lol, which would ofc be worthy of a shout out if it wasn’t like, the world’s largest fast food chain. There are more of them than MDONALDS?!) that although there are preset options the main appeal is the create your own option where you get to pick the pasta, sauce and toppings. I made mine pretty much identical to the truffle vegan pesto pasta with the substitution of the truffle for good old regular sautéed mushrooms because as I’ve said, my taste isn’t that boujie, lol, and it was delicious. Can’t fault it. A perfect pasta dish tbh.

9. Chrome, St.Christopher’s Place

Price Point: £10-15

3 words: Biscoff french toast. Need I say more?

10. Patty & Bun, various sites (cheating, kinda)

Price Point: £10-15

Okay so including Patty & Bun in a London eats section even though there’s one in Brighton isn’t the part that makes it’s inclusion rogue because, like, Badiani has a Brighton branch too and I always tend to think of Brighton as London-on-sea anyway. It’s just that their Smokey Robinson burger (caramelised onions, smoky peanut butter mayo, and then I think the optional addition of chilli jam which stays improving literally any dish ever) is probs what saved me dropping out of uni for the second time at the beginning of 2nd year one night. I was sick of anorexia, sick of how hard it was making the basic organisational tasks required of my degree and sick of the imposter syndrome that came with that. I did what I had to do: flaked on the night at Ministry of Sound I’d organised with friends, stuck on a horror, and ordered myself a burger and fries. I knew reverting to 13 year old Lauren’s coping mechanisms wouldn’t do wonders for my mood in the morning but I also knew that this fuck everything and drop out impulse was just a result of a build up of emotions, culminating in a minor panic attack and that I would be able to think more clearly in the clear light of day, lol. So yeah I can overlook Patty & Bun being a food experience occurring outside of the 2023 window. IT SAVED MY DEGREE. And plus, it’s the only burger I’ve had which rivals the Bournemouth special from Central Story-again, another niche recommendation but it’s blasphemy to talk about burgers without name dropping this place. Both make an unbeatable case for why peanut butter elevates everything. Idk what it is but it truly takes a burger to the next level. And wilder still is HOW its the inclusion of BISCOFF SPREAD in the Bournemouth special that makes it magical!? Can’t explain that one because it sounds like a monstrosity but trust me, it’s mind blowing. I could do an “according to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should fly. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible” Barry B Benson style monologue on the matter if anyone wants to challenge my statement on that fact. Like I appreciate that according to all accepted culinary boundaries, this crossover, I.e  lotus, beef, cheese, onions, BBQ and chilli, should be inedible. But whoever the chef at Central Story is, they decided to go where most chefs wouldn’t dare tread and made something gorgeous. A true pioneer. It sounds so rogue but oh, feels SO right.

Now, to go international...

Lisbon, Portugal

I am aware that talking about an entire city as if it’s a cafe you could pop to one afternoon is very much giving Americans talking about going to “Europe” (sans further specification) energy but I only went for a few days and I feel like there’s soooOOo much there, we barely skimmed the surface; a “top things to do” list doesn’t feel warranted! I would LOVE to go back at some point in the near future to give it the rundown it deserves. It gets called the San Francisco of Europe, not that I knew that before, but now having been I resent it because the comparison does Lisbon a complete disservice. I see why the association is made; both are hilly cities with tram systems being the dominant means of transportation, and are situated on a waterfront. They also share near identical bridges. Again, I never knew but Lisbon has a near replica of SF’s Golden Gate landmark. Lisbon’s is smaller but built first by the same people responsible for the Golden Gate Bridge because Portugal’s dictator at the time found out about the plans for the SF version and demanded one too. Dickhead, diva behaviour. But shout out to the Uber driver turned tour guide who told us that.

Having spent the same amount of time in San Francisco 5/6 years ago, though, I prefer Lisbon! It just has more spirit-I know that’s kind of an abstract concept to define but I suppose it has less of the typical American city sheen, where as shiny and new and exciting as everything is, a lot of it seems cold and impersonal, and you know there’s always some pocket of poverty just around the corner that’s been pushed out of sight for the sake of maintaining this image. Lisbon feels more organic and laid back and has a cool, unexpected balance of trendy, hipster-y (I don’t know what other word to use, lol, but I don’t mean hipster in the negative sense as it’s generally used nowadays) areas and eateries, street art and brunch cafes GALORE, as well as older, more traditional streets and architecture teeming with history and the vibrant energy of the local community. Last but not least, let me tell you something about Lisbon: they love a pastry. You’ll find pastelerias, source of the most delicious crossaints known to man, on most streets. Anywhere which counts sweet carbs as constituting a crucial part of the culture is somewhere I’m more than happy to be.

NOW. Seeing as I can’t dedicate a whole section to recommending Cadbury’s Twisted chocolate buttons or Magnum Billionaire ice cream, I’d better move onto the next thing-I don’t think I can quite justify raving about food purchases you can make at your local Asda. So tell your internal monologue to put its best Robbie Williams hat on because this next section has the working title of:

Let MeeeEeE EnterTAIN YOU!

 Let’s talk about my fave distractions of this year:-)

Podcasts

I used to be a music girlie but now all I do is listen to podcasts. I feel very out of touch and uncool because I literally have no fucking idea what’s playing on the radio anymore hence why the prospect of going clubbing nowadays feels like a nightmare, but idk I just feel like I’ve never been someone who’s been engaged by music on its own and when I’m studying new content I find it hard to digest wordy stuff with pounding music. I do want to try and listen to music again but gotta find some way to incorporate it into my routine because I feel like such a fucking grandma at the ripe age of 24. Anyway, for podcasts, here are a few of my faves, ignoring the fact that I’m going outside the box of this post because it was supposed to be confined to things I’ve gotten into this year. It’s my first one though, allow me a little flexibility in this regard. There’s a lotttt of recommendations I must make.

Katherine Ryan’s Telling Everybody Everything: is everything Katherine’s husband says undercover tory coded? Yes. Am I almost certain he’s the kind of guy who admires Elon Musk on the DL? Yes. But I adore Katherine Ryan and could listen to her talk all day. I rarely disagree with her and it is a breath of fresh air to have someone who voices things that do depart slightly from the occasionally frustratingly rigid, moralistic stance of the people I follow. Don’t get me wrong, I agree with the online left’s consensus 90% of the time but I do hate how SERIOUSLY everything is taken and the pile-ons that result from an acknowledgedly uninformed, passing comment on an issue, and also the shaming that comes from being interested in something which giving attention to is deemed to contravene interests of that political stance. This is how we talk irl. Your friends don’t accuse you of being a morally defunct person because you have a simplistic or admittedly problematic view on some things. I feel like it’s possible to feel ways we know we shouldn’t and that we know rationally don’t align with our general philosophies and as long as it’s not anything prejudice driven, as long as those convos happen with the adage that we KNOW these opinions are a bit fucked, it shouldn’t be a criminal act to lightly discuss them in a setting free of consequence. I also kind of agree with her stance on comedy, in that there shouldn’t be anything off limits. Ofc, if there’s a pattern of someone making harmful and punch down kind of jokes, criticise them as much as you want. Don’t talk about them! Don’t make them a topic of conversation and bolster their audience! But if we start drawing a hard fast line between what’s punishable and earns an industry blackballing then comedy becomes completely predictable and that element of unpredictability is what makes it entertaining.

Stephanie Harlowe & Derek Lavasser’s Crime Weekly: I mean an interest in true crime may be exactly what I’m referring to when I talk about interests that contravene your expressed political stance because I see a lot of the people I follow online, who are pretty much as far as I know entirely left leaning, disapprove. But morbid curiosity is a human thing and Stephanie Harlowe, both on her podcast and YouTube channel always does it with the best intentions; the ridiculously extensive amount of research she does show an unparalleled level of commitment and intention to do justice (seriously, they have cases they spend about 6 or 7 hour and half episodes on), and even on the most infamous of cases you are bound to come away with a tonne of knowledge of the case that you were unaware was even out there.  I also love the dynamic between her and Derek Lavasser, whose presence is a crucial element of what makes this a standout podcast given his actual first hand experience of investigating cases. I think the best podcasts are those that feel like sitting in on a conversation with friends regardless of how serious the topic is and in Crime Weekly, they always manage to uphold that vibe. Stephanie is very opinionated and I know a lot of people might disagree with that and think we should take a neutral stance when discussing true crime but honestly, if I wanted to do that, I’d read a Wiki page. This is how we talk about things irl. We give our opinions, we have feelings, we relate it to our anecdotal experiences-as long as the line between opinion and fact is clear and respect for the victims is maintained then I don’t see the problem.

Red Handed: I love Suruthi and Hannah. I want to be one of their best mates, lol. Pls girlies, let me be your friend. Again, I know there are probably people out there who would be firmly against any kind of true crime content which has a lighthearted tone but I genuinely do feel like all the laughs come from the dynamic between these two and never at the cost of the victims involved in the cases they’re discussing.

Sounds like a Cult: I loved Amanda Montell’s book Cultish and this is again a podcast where the dynamic between the girls is what separates them from all the other podcasts of a similar nature. I do want to know about current events and the serious stuff that’s going on in the world but there is only so much existential dread a person can take without a bit of levity framing it; Amanda and Isa take a serious subject matter and apply it to something which at face value sounds trivial but results in some genuinely interesting discussions about just how pathological our appreciation of certain fads and individuals truly is.

Books

How to Kill Your Family, Bella Mackie: So technicallyyy, this is kinda cheating again because I read this last summer, lol, but I continue to recommend it above and beyond any book I’ve read in the meantime because it truly is the perfect novel. It’s Gone Girl dark subject matter but in snappy magazine columnist format and that is a feat of genre fusion rivalling the Indonesian Australian blended brunch. 

Boy Parts, Eliza Clark: an actual recent read, and the first knock out of a book I’ve read since How to Kill Your Family. Like, the narrator is a disgustingly awful human being, to the extent that has put me off reading books from the perspective of individuals who meet similar levels of awful in the past (for example, I could never quite get into Lolita). In this, though, it adds to the compulsion to keep going. It’s probs because she is awful in a way that never requires a suspension of disbelief, the kind of way I feel like we glorify in everyday life on a lesser scale, and so the satirical element feels very relevant. At the same time, it’s not so heavy on the satire that some of the left turns the narrative takes and how twisted things become is without impact. I’d say it’s a bit like the book equivalent of watching a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills episode where the women are at their most unhinged but with a more sinister undercurrent, like everything that takes place is referred to as if it’s an mildly scandalous everyday occurrence when in actuality it’s disturbing AF. Imagine watching back the episode where Brandi Glanville yells “at least I don’t do crystal meth in the bathroom all night, bitch” at Kim Richards with the foresight that not only was she on crystal meth but like, her and Kyle were actually in there carving up a body or something. All the dark stuff is woven into the protagonist’s co-occurring everyday mundanities that very accurately capture the worst parts of the mindset and social values of the present and the devastating realisation is like...it all fits, lol.

Television

House M.D (2004-2012): My brain cannot compute that Gregory House and Hugh Laurie are the same person. That thing people always say about standout performances “they brought the character to life”? Hugh DID THAT. He SERVED. His performance alone is arguably enough to make House a great show. But other than that, it’s the perfect blend of drama and levity and almost every series main with only a handful of exceptions is a character you truly want to see flourish. Plus, I love me a 40 min show; an episode of House flies by and I would say there are only about 2/3 throughout the 7 seasons I’ve watched so far I haven’t enjoyed, all of which were a bit too conceptual for my liking. Also can I just say? Wilson and House, one of the most engaging TV duos of all time. For them and them alone, I will condone the use of a word that is in all other circumstances cringe to me, to grant their relationship the title of the GOAT on-screen bromance. 

The Missing (2014-2016):  I do love a good Brit mystery drama, I do.

Search Party (2016-2022): so watchable, so ridiculous, funny as fuck, but also addictive.

Yellowjackets (2021-): A perfect show, truly. And I’ve just got to say...Christina Ricci’s Misty fills the Mona Vanderwaal shaped void in my life that Pretty Little Liars ending created.

Succession (2018-2023): Succession must be one of those shows that’s really annoying if you don’t watch it/tried watching it and weren’t a fan because anybody who does watch it never seems to shut the fuck up about it. But like, chill out, it’s ended now, and I feel like it did so in a way that was satisfying enough that we can put it to bed and appreciate it on reflection like a nice piece of art every now and again, lol. After Game of Thrones, the ending of which left me raging for a solid few months, I think we all breathe a sigh of relief at this point when a really hyped up show ends in a way that actually feels correct, and doesn’t violate everything we’ve been told about the characters right up until that moment. 

Also...with Succession ending, I realllllly hope we can firmly put a lid on the idea of stealth wealth dressing or whatever you wanna call it because I don’t give a fuck if the clothes are expensive, they’re bland, I’m SORRY:( I don’t like subtle, if that isn’t obvious from the Alessandro Michele appreciation, lmao.

Black Mirror, Joan is Awful, 6x01 (2023): Okay so the fact I like, just watched this before writing this post would suggest it would be better placed in 2023 part 2 but I don’t want to acknowledge the horrifyingly fast passing of time so I gotta talk about it now while it’s fresh on my mind. Because what a delight!!! Apart from the movie that came out a few years ago and one or two episodes, Black Mirror hasn’t blown me away in a while. This was like, classic Black Mirror for me. Like left me with an appropriate level of dread so as not to trigger a complete existential crisis but enough to make me physically shudder. It was also, off the top of my head based on foggy memories of past episodes, the funniest episode to date. I never knew Salma Hayek had such great comedic timing and I feel bad for that. I owe her way more appreciation.

The Trashy Stuff..

Married at First Sight: I have never ploughed through reality TV like I have Australian MAFS. I started watching it with my mum and was so incapable of waiting til she was free to watch the season we were on I started simultaneously watching the previous season on my own. We haven’t even finished that season together yet but my solo venture sees me 3 seasons deep at this point. The dinner parties, man! I can’t look away. So much second hand embarrassment, awkwardness and tension that manages to permeate its way through the TV screen and yet despite getting my fill of that in day to day life, I consume that shit like I do carbohydrates in a binge episode, lmao. I won’t deny it probably falls within the vein of exploitative trash TV but you know what, it’s in an exploitative trash TV league of its own and if I go another 10 years down the line without being bothered to go on a date because I GENUINELY FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO TIME!! Sign me up. Producers exploit TF out of me. Give me the awkward recluse who just does not have the energy for the shit that interaction with a solid 60% of men entails edit if you want, though the driven career woman who is just above them all works too xoxo I’ll make the same argument I make about Big Brother and say that I genuinely do think there’s at least a pat of me which enjoys it from the psychological perspective, like putting humans in high-stakes unknown territory has our common pathologies spilling out allll over the place to observe in the bright light of day/the TV’s fluorescence but yes, ofc my engagement with it goes beyond educational purposes. It must be a known fact that I love watching some toxic individuals because it came highly recommended to me; whilst it shouldn’t be a good thing if my friends think it’s on brand for me, I’ll take that hit to any illusions I have of my refinement if’s what brought this show into my life. 

Love Island: It’s in a similar vein to MAFs, but look, I have no shame in admitting that there are some summer days where knowing LI is airing later in the day is all that keeps me going. I need structure in my life. Time is a human construct but ITV2′s programme schedule is NOT and if this show airing at 9pm every night is all that’s set in stone I’ll take it. No speak of guilty pleasures here. Straight up pleasure. It’s trash, it’s staged, it’s shallow, blah blah blah, but it’s in this brief period when the annual summer season airs I feel a sense of NATIONAL UNITY that, for once, doesn’t stem from something a little too closely aligned with things you’d see or hear at an EDL rally. England is really lacking in things to feel patriotic about that don’t have some kind of murky colonialist past, lmao.  So SUE ME. It’s giving judgemental. If you want to miss out on the top tier comedy going on this far this season (best cast in years I thinkkk) then that’s your loss. 

Film

Maybe mentioning some of my fave movies in this post issss taking a slight shortcut by removing the need to include them in my eventual film list buuut anyways idk, I love going to the cinema and a post like this would feel compete without naming a few standouts. For the sake of emulating a film ranking post, assume all these would fall under God tier:

Barbarian, dir. Zach Cregger (2022): A bit of a creature feature and a wild ride from start to finish. Definitely has the qualities of a modern classic horror, relatively simple narrative but definitely layered and open to interpretation if that’s your kinda thing.

M3gan, dir. Gerard Johnstone (2022): I could definitely get a roasting for including M3gan on this list and by implication, that it warrants a God Tier ranking but like 1). I’ve gone on for sooOOo long now that I doubt anybody who has got to this point has the brain power left to process this controversial stance and 2). even if this does register, I am willing to die on the hill of it being a perfect movie anyways. There’s probably plot holes, nonsensical writing and bad acting galore, but if there was I didn’t notice it because I was having a WHALE of a time. Sign me up to rewatch this at the cinema over a night out any day. Hear me out…it’s all the issues and psychology debates about artificial intelligence and the singularity and attachment theory and the dark stuff that might entail, yes, on what is probably a very, very shallow level, a massively take on all that stuff I’m sure many will argue but okay, nerd!!!! Live a little! It’s of the moment! Isn’t horror supposed to take that thing we’re all really afraid and exploit the fact that we know, like, next to nothing about the science of it all to paint some utterly ridiculous worst case scenario!? For whatever reason I can think of 0 examples of this right now, but I’m sure there’s some smart video essays out there about it that will explain it in an intellectual, less indignant way, lol. Like maybe I’m just amalgamating a bunch of unrelated facts in my mind here and coming out with some bullshit false statement but I’m suuuure I have read/seen/watched a video about how the vampire craze within horror has some kind of origin in tuberculosis panic hundreds of years ago. Don’t quote me on that! The only thing I’m sure on here, that I take zero issue with being quoted on, in which I have no qualms saying, is that M3gan was WILD!! ICONIC!!! It’s Chucky for the Elon Musk girlbossgaslightgatekeep era. Giving campy halloween classic. I'm standing my ground on this one.

Bodies, Bodies, Bodies, dir. Halina Reijn (2022): Imagine Bodies, Bodies, Bodies being your English language debut and still managing to capture the most annoying aspects of the speech patterns we’ve (and when I say we, I mean American and English youth, and yes, I include myself in that lol) developed this well. Uncanny. Even more impressively is how Halina Reijn is able to set the scene to communicate that very particular chaotic energy that hangs in the air when you put a bunch of intoxicated people with a messy group dynamic in a room together. The kind that unifies a startup company’s christmas do for their employees with a teenage house party. Like everyone’s kind of wild and throwing their weight around and letting off steam. The suffocating weight of the school/office/retail/what-have-you environment is lifted and at first the mood is electric and people who usually can’t stand each other are laughing together, getting on like a house on fire. But you KNOWW, you just know, someone’s gonna unleash some uncomfortable truth at any second, pull it back like an arrow back through the bow, fire it straight into the target and send half the room feral. Halina brought that dangerous kind of excitement to the screen in a way I don’t think any other director has managed in recent years, besides perhaps Gaspar Noé with Climax, but this was a lot more fun. It isn’t quiteeee on the same level but Bodies, Bodies, Bodies does the same kinda thing that the first Scream movie did in the 90s in making a film that is equal parts horror to Pandora’s Box for this moment in history, putting all the worst traits of our collective psyche in the...spotlight? Strobe light? Glowstick light? It’s glowsticks that were all over the ad campaign, right? She even got the Y2K aesthetic craze nailed down there, didn’t she.

 •Scream VI, dir(s). Tyler Gillett & Matt Bettinelli-Olpin (2023): 

That segue, honestly. The stuff of legend.

Admittedly, I didn’t make the Scream/Bodies, Bodies, Bodies comparison just for that purpose. But it does round off the post in a very satisfying way so I’ll pat myself on the back for it regardless. 

Speaking of legends...see, clunky when intentional...

I have to, of course, gas up this year’s Scream. Howwww there’s been soOoo many at this point and how they continue to be wonderful yet consistently on brand, when the brand in question could so easily go stale, is a marvel. It’s probably the franchise that got me into horror (or maybe Final Destination, it’s a toss-up) and if I’d watched something like the Insidious series first I don’t know if I’d be the horror fan I am today, possibly deprived of my beloved genre. Like I started watching them back when I still believed in ghosts and I was super sensitive to high levels of what they tend to categorise as “threat” or “suspense” which seems to be code for supernatural stuff. Now I’m a non-believer (lol) I love the supernatural stuff just as much when there’s a good story but I will always, and clearly have always, loved a good slasher, especially with a sense of humour. Scream is truly the prototype for that. It never misses. 

Plus, side note, I love that they gave Sidney closure. It shows confident writing, which again is something the films always deliver on. Similarly, the casting of Jenna Ortega and Melissa Barrera as the series’ new protagonists makes perfect sense; a new Scream is an instalment that never disappoints.

Much like...this post? 

Let’s just pretend that was an intentionally awful segue for the sake of continuity and not me having no idea how to tie a bow on this fucking ESSAY from me. Whoops.

But yeah!!

I guess that covers it all! She says after a post that supersedes the word count of your average dissertation, which is probably the crux of why I struggle with academic essay writing, lol. I love a waffle, cannot help myself. It’s a need that would ordinarily be satisfied through the medium of creative fiction writing but until I finish coursework anything requiring deep and meaningful thought is out of the question. One can only hope I don’t completely flop my degree and that by summer 2024, posts of this nature will be significantly shorter. In the meantime though, I do have a couple of photo dominated posts planned, including finally posting what we’ll call a master post of all the FW22 shows I didn’t finish covering, as well as SS23 which are actually of relevance to balance out the notion that it’s just a content dump (which it essentially is but idk, we all love a good runway photo set). Blame Tumblr’s stance on the female nipple which means fashion week posts are always delayed because I have to go back and photoshop out all the tatas. As welll as that I have an outfit post planned which is one of my faves I’ve everrrr done and basically another “sitting front row at” thang. 

And to anybody who comes across this post on the recovery tag and reads that section, please don’t hesitate to inbox me. In fact, I’d love it if you did, regardless of whether or not it extends to anything beyond that. Like I said as well, constructive criticism is much appreciated, though I love hearing people’s recovery stories too. To anyone who identified with my ramble and is struggling too, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I’m sorry it likely feels as if no one understand. I do and lots of people do and even if it’s not fully fledged formal treatment there are recourses out there. Suggestions in that regards are very encouraged!

But yeah! In summary, love & hugs to all!:D

Lauren xx

[castle-dominion]

4x12 m for mayor

Loving death. Oh gosh that coat? I recognize.

Martha??? Just like my little bro, finished all his credits & just doing advanced physics. I on the other hand took an extra year of high school. I wanted to go busking in europe for a year after high school before going to college but that didn't pan out. Oh an internship? seriously? She's such a boring goody two shoes which is actually really good for her & I'm proud ig...

hyoid! new york ofc she doesn't have her license. nice coat on castle, becks, espt, & lanie too. Everyone is so pretty today. (oh & ryan also looks great & has that pretty pink shirt with no tie, they keep dressing him in pink right after his marriage, I think that's on purpose. No tie tho which is interesting & brings back s1 vibes but it's rly rly cute) lmao amish. I mean yeah the hutterites mennonites & amish are, well... As a folk catholic myself I should keep my mouth shut. kept the purse? & dumped it? Why not just leave it with the vic? or take the cash just as a bonus?

BIG CHEESE? NO

New actor for the mayor? RW: This is one of New York’s finest, huh, Ricky? RC, fondly: She’s the best. I like him I think. KB: I’ll do my best to keep the nature of your business private. RW: Thanks. I hoped you’d be there, Rick. RC: Fondue night with Alexis, but I did send a cheque. [this one is a cheque not a check] who calls them staffER rather than just staff?

I like how jordan the intern (alexis?) leaves & then the mayor takes rick to talk about the library stuff. RW: You know, I’ll—I’ll leave you guys to work through this unless, Rick, you want to take a look at our new library initiative. It wouldn’t hurt us to have your endorsement on that. RC: For the New York Public Library, my first love? Anything.

BS: I’ve already done your legwork, Detective. The car was checked out by Elizabeth Watson, Senior Director of Communication here at the office. When she left last night’s event around midnight, she discovered that it was missing. [that's really good of him!] *Shay pulls out a piece of paper.* BS: Here’s her statement. [that's taking it a bit far] KB: With all due respect, Mr. Shay, police investigations are usually conducted by the police. [she's right] BS: Yeah, well, unfortunately the 24-hour news cycle moves a hell of a lot faster than you do [yeah lol] and I have to get all my ducks in a row before this thing breaks. It’s my job. [he's right] KB: And my job is to find Laura’s murderer. So, if you don’t mind, and even if you do, [you can still accept the statement & thank him] I’m gonna get my own statement from Ms. Watson about that car, and I’m also gonna need statements from all of your staff as to whether they recognize our victim. [as you should] BS: Knock yourself out. But trust me, you’re wasting your time. [bro] KB: It’s my time to waste. Now, I got a job to do. [she's right] BS: So do I. Let me be clear. Mayor Weldon is my priority, and I’m not about to let this thing embolden his opponents and ruin everything that we’ve built. [he's right]

RC: Step back? These are politicians. They can’t order at a restaurant without two compromises and an ultimatum. Ooh gates is rly pretty Use castle's closeness to your advantage? Oh no castle you ARE biased

KR: No phone calls at all, because Laura Cambridge didn’t own a cell phone. Her credit cards haven’t been used in six months. RC: No cell phone and no credit cards? It’s like she’s from another century. JE: Amish theory’s looking pretty good, bro. Oh, I remember now. This is the phone sex episode. Good will hunting but in reverse. markiplier is the matt damon of poop. Rape or smth? death of a loved one?

Chuckleheads? like that time rysposito kept saying names for suspects & almost f*cked right then & there? Officer & gentleman? lmao. John watson? Mr Harvey: Bunch of deadbeat tenants in here. You ever get bored? I’m sure I could fill up a couple of holding cells for you. Caucasian is actually specific, not just white.

Ooh I love the pattern on the vest, I love esposito's shirt, looks not necessarily ironed but has some good breast pockets, I feel like the pink might contrast with his eyes. I'm a blue-eyed-indian but dang my eyes aren't that blue.

"No Please" really makes me think bad stuff & then Phone sex, babes!!! "yeah I'm still here babey" XD RC: I’d say it’s about $4.99 a minute. It’s not a sweatshop. *points to wall saying dial a goddess* It’s a sex shop.

Good gracious this is... well... I like how the office has dial-a-goddess art on the walls. Makes it feel more like an office. Tho they could work from home. But then they would have to set up secure phoning in their homes & it would just be easier & safer (safety of SWs is important) to route the office for payment & safety & anonymity. RC: Well, being the Chief… *reads the manager's nameplate* ...Sexecutive Officer did you notice any conflicts with her and her colleagues? [lmao sexecutive] MK: Maybe she liked it. We get all types here, Detective: students, actresses, moms. I know an accountant who did it because she liked the challenge…and it turned her on. It's a powerful thing to make a client lust for you.

Lil bro played the minecraft chicken sound & I was so confused for a sec bc I thought it was from-- (I almost called it sherlock)-- (I almost called it murdoch)-- Castle.

So true. You need fellowship & company & sometimes people, esp men, need the intimacy of sex to be able to have that emotional intimacy. Don't tell my mom but I've spoken to my priest about this, when I was in school & really stressed, I would have adult fun a lot, but after school was over (& I increased my testosterone dose too!) I stopped doing so much adult fun. It is a stress reliever. RC: It's therapy. Or…so I've been told. Castle nobody would doubt that you have called a place like this before. Plus you could say "or so I theorize" or smth. I mean remember that plastic surgery case when ryaposito were like "I can't believe the doctor doesn't have porn on his work computer" & the nanny case when castle saw rysposito & the captain standing around a computer & he said "that better not be porn & if it is I want in" like what? Ah well such is life. (Question for all you real adults out there, I'm technically an adult & I'm sort of a man but I'm trans & young & sheltered: do men really jerk off together? Do they sit around & watch porn together? Seems kind of gay tbh, jerking off around other men, comfy with or wanting them to see you jack it? sus. also gross.)

*picks up his phone & immediately has the number up*

WHEN was the door opened tho? Ah gas company. Fake af. Six foot, white, dark hair again.

Hm, usually drinks for actors are just coloured water but this wine has a foam on it, it looks very much like real wine imo.

RC: but that's going to be like looking for a needle in a needle stack. OH HO HO THIS IS A PLOT HEAVY EPISODE? I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE WHEN I FIRST STARTED PLAYING IT BUT THEN I THOUGHT TO MYSELF IT CAN'T BE BUT HERE IT IS IT IS INDEED A PLOT HEAVY EPISODE. HOO HOO HOO. but how so they always seem to be able to catch the murderer after being told not to in these episodes?

Greater forces at play? There is way too much, so much more than just beckett than just beckett's mom, with all the killing & death I think it is not worth it to look the other way for the safety of just one person. What if you DON'T know when it is time? RC: Tell her what? "Hey, Kate, I've been taking calls from a shadowy figure who wants to keep you off your mother's murder case so they don't kill you, too"?

KB on the phone: No, I'm not eating *while eating* RC: Brown cashmere. So, we narrow our suspects down to rich men with impeccable taste. KB: Are you saying you're a suspect? LOTS of phone calls dang. copious is a good word. RC: Are there any calls in there from the Mayor's office? KB: I thought you said you were confident that he wasn't involved? RC: I'm…just trying to be thorough…and impartial. KR: Not yet. But the private sector is well represented. I got calls from The Met, banks, several high profile brokerage houses. No wonder the economy collapsed, huh? btw ryan outfit, no tie, striped shirt (not a fan of stripes), & vest plus jacket with lapel pin. Typical Ryan wear. I prefer castle's stripes, they are a pattern in the weave of the fabric to make it catch the light differently, they are not actually different colours. Nice dark navy blue jacket.

Rystle protecting beckett they both love her so much. RC: A television station! RC: ya idk The way espt says navarro <3 beckett's jacket <3

my brother helped me get ship names for just the main four. 0: nobody 1: castle, beckett, ryan, esposito 2: caskett, rystle, Castlesito castito casposito espostle estle (he actually didn't help me choose), ryckett, especkett, rysposito 3: ryspeckett, ryspostle, caspeckett, Rycaskett 4: rycaspockett caskeitan (I chose rycaspockett but lil bro chose caskeitan which is three syllables but four ppl)

Man had a nice tie I am not the smartest person but here: Polemic = a speech or piece of writing expressing a strongly critical attack on or controversial opinion about someone or something.

Oh no not the mayor! & then the coat nooo

Remember what happened last time castle? with damien? Tho if he DID do it then he ruined his own career.

It's the backgrounds that make the show. I'm noticing this while gates is getter her leftovers for lunch. They have cereal tupperwares on top of the fridge, including fruit loops (froot loops?) & images on the fridge.

RC: You know what I think? I think she's hoping it's him, because if he's gone, I'm gone. She's right, she can't have him with her.

Find a nice private space to talk, you don't need to do it in public you don't need to do it in the interrogation room.

Lol I forgot that this was before castle & gates started to make some leeway.

VG: We are tasked by the City of New York to protect its people. Sometimes that task comes with a cost. I know what they call me, Detective. "Iron Gates." I hear the whispers. "She's from I.A., she must hate cops." Well, the truth is I love cops. My daddy was a cop, my uncles were cops. But the sergeant who assaulted my patrol partner under color of authority, who holds him accountable? We do. Go to the mayor, get him to voluntarily surrender his coat for fiber testing without a warrant. Tell him it's the only way to keep it out of the media. But if he refuses, you get that warrant and you do your job, whatever the cost. This is why I respect gates. I'm anti-cop so I respect her here. Protect the people, keep the cops in line.

He DOES play poker with him lol.

It's going to be the kid right? The intern? I respect that, I'd believe that. Once you are given the context you remember but you don't remember before that. The way castle nods at him. "it is in your best interest" Oh no he killed her? Who is "they"? Ah "they" probably planted his coat. She still needs to get the coat but again they could have planted the evidence. Yeah castle! She totally should have told him that she needed the coat & was going to get it either way. Withholding the coat & then getting it with a court order looks guilty but it looks even guiltier if they find it matches, but then it supports the conspiracy thing if he turns it over bc he believes it is normal. Here's a question tho, what if two coats were made of the same alpaca fur or whatever? What if someone spilled hot sauce on their coat & so the part on the body has hot sauce residue but the part of the coat they test has no hot sauce residue so they don't match? idk how forensics work(s).

Sus parking garage. Does he see the guy's face? not right but not wrong? Man just disappears like that? So cool & sexy bestie.

Ryan not wearing his gun rn. Rly cute tho, nice sweater, he also seems almost to be walking like a girl rn which is weird. Not a hip-problem way like he often does.

woah who's that wearing the unicorn onesie? "I had an epiphany" he says Fellow had a rubik's cube in her office while she was doing phone sex lol

Sarah! Heck yes!

lmao poor greta gramma I remembered it! It was indeed the boy I remembered! tho I feel bad that it was jordan More dangerous than you know though, so like here, why did smith help the investigation if he knew that beckett would get closer to The Big Bad Guy? Wouldn't he try to steer her away to protect her? suspense suspense suspense just spit it out BILL MOSS I KNOW THAT NAME FROM FUTURE SEASONS he has a nice coat btw.

KB: Jordan Norris is a pawn. I want the people controlling him. VG: Oh, it’s a long game, Kate. Play it piece by piece. (sus?) Feel bad for big cheese

RW: There are people out there. I realize it now, people who control what goes on in this city and beyond. I wouldn’t play ball, so they took me out of the game. It’s been decided: this is as far as I get. Like watts the autistic jewish man can't get better than detective, murdoch the catholic autistic man who can't get better than detective, george crabtree the adhd ex-con (innocent) who was raised by prostitutes who can't get better than constable.

RC: I’d be gone from the Twelfth Precinct. Me: not everything is abt you Smith: nono he's right. Smith: You play chess, Mr. Castle? There are times when a well-placed pawn is more powerful than a king. casually says he's a pawn. But good, he reaveals that castle's job is to protect kate, keep her in check.

Like yeah the case wasn't quite resolved but he had to prevent it from going any further, that's what's going on. I see

Oof so yeah that was a good episode.

[omiyagiri]

Osamu "Glorified Babysitter of Atsumu And Atsumu's Significant Other" Miya

pairing: atsumu x gn!reader cw: swearing word count: 1.6k

Osamu’s a glorified babysitter. Things just work out that way when he’s dumped out of the womb and not long after his dumbfuck twin is vice-gripping his ankle like a lifeline. Then you came along, clutching onto the hem of his shirt, Atsumu in tow, saying: "Osamu? Do I need to boil water for ramen or can I just eat it raw?" — and suddenly he’s your glorified babysitter as well.

It’s the weekend. His one-day weekend. Which he has once a month. He throws his hat on the couch, pushes his fingers through his hair, and sinks into his couch. Before his fingers can even twitch towards the remote, his phone jostles in his pocket. Oh boy. A million different theories come to mind and all of them are in some way related to Atsumu—Because it’s only Atsumu who’d have the audacity to contact him on his weekend.

But when he tugs his phone out of his pocket and thumb-flicks the screen to life, what he sees almost makes him have a heart attack.

You: osa

You: osamu*. how do i make broth

Osamu: what kind of broth?

You: therE are different kinds? :0

Osamu takes in a deep, steadying breath. He then reaches for his cap and shoves it back down on his head.

Osamu: don’t fucking touch anything in that kitchen i’m on my way.

His "Atsumu’s fucked up" senses are tingling before he’s even crossed into the threshold of your apartment. He’s carrying a duffel bag he hasn’t used since High School. It's full of ingredients, because he can't trust you and Atsumu to buy the shit necessary to prepare basic broth. The Inarizaki logo taunts him in the time it takes you for you to crack open the door and peer at him with one wide visible eye.

"Osamu?" you say.

"Atsumu, actually," he says.  

Your mouth falls open and you swivel your gaze from him to something behind you. Osamu blinks.

"No you're not." You squint at him. "Atsumu's been here the whole time."

"Y'know," says Osamu, voice twinged with exasperation, "the two of ya deserve each other."

It looks like his joke flew right over your head. You open the door wider for him and ask for him to shed his shoes in the genkan. He waves you off, not needing you to nanny him on basic common sense and societal norms. Unfortunately you take this as your cue to backseat instruct him on where the kitchen is, where all the appliances are, and the status of the cooking utensils.

Osamu releases a breath. "I have literally cooked in yer kitchen more than you have. I know these things."

"It was just in case you forgot," you say, a shadow riding on his heels. You follow him, invading his personal space as he rifles through cabinets and retrieves the necessary equipment.

"Give me some space, will ya?" He scowls at you, but there's not much bite to it. "Why not go hang out with the inferior Miya?"

You shake your head and sigh. "He's not feeling well. That's why I wanted to make him some soup, but I didn't know how."

Osamu tries not to laugh, but the struggle is real. "Idiots don't catch colds."

Before you can respond, in shuffles a zombielike Atsumu. His face is pallid and there's a feverish haze curtaining his temple. A blanket is wrapped around his shivering shoulders—The blanket he'd stolen from Osamu's apartment the last time he spent the night. Guess it's his for good, now.

Atsumu itches at his mask, pouty and whiney. Essentially he's the same, only his personality is amplified to the nth degree. Osamu clings koala-tight onto his patience because he knows he's going to need it for this.

"'re ya gonna make me some macaroni?" Atsumu asks him, eyes owlishly wide and voice muffled by the mask. He coughs scratchily.

You reach over and rub his shoulders.

"No," says Osamu. Change of plans. "I'm gonna make you some fuckin' rice porridge."

"What broth does rice porridge use?" you ask.

"It's." Osamu rubs the nape of his neck and again, inhales, exhales. He tries again, this time exaggerating the syllables of his words as if he's talking to literal children. "It's porridge. There's no broth involved."

"No broth," Atsumu says. His eyes water and Osamu literally can't tell if it's because of his sickness or because he's about to break into tears because of this news. "Why?"

"Because it's porridge."

"What if we add broth to it," you say. "Since Atsumu wants broth."

Osamu realizes this is an uphill battle. Therefore: It's not one he wants to have. He pretends to acquiesce as he lowers the tip of his cap and focuses on the ingredients laid out on the countertop. "Sure."

Atsumu and you celebrate with a double high-five and a secret handshake. "Yay-ee!"

Osamu dies a bit inside.

For a whole hour Osamu hogs the kitchen and tries to keep the two of you out, but you're like lost children in an amusement park. You both wander around, watching him with awed eyes like he's performing magic tricks with his hands.

"Are you sure there's no broth?" you say. "You're using water."

Osamu doesn't want to get behind the technicalities anymore of what constitutes as a broth, so he bites the bullet on this one and lets the porridge cook in the chicken stock he brought with him. "Yup. It's a broth. Want a taste?"

Atsumu perks up and immediately he's trading places with you and opening his mouth. Osamu rolls his eyes.

"You can feed yerself," he tells him while handing over the spoon.

"Yer not gonna do it for me?" Atsumu sniffles. "I'm sick, though. Ya gotta be all gentle and spoonfeed me."

You pluck the spoon from Atsumu, dip it into the broth, and bring it back up to his lips. "I'll feed you, best friend!"

Atsumu pulls a face. "Never mind I fuckin' lost my appetite. Ya gonna pull the friendzone joke on me again?" As an afterthought, and because it's the one phrase he likes to parrot over and over and fucking over again when he's in this state: "I'm sick."

"My best boyfriend," you correct.

Atsumu takes a big bite and yelps when he burns his tongue.

"Alright, shoo. Get outta my kitchen." Osamu herds you both away from the counter and into the living room.

"That's my kitchen, ya dumbass," says Atsumu. You nod your agreement while folding your arms.

"Naw. It's actually mine and ya both are tryna claim squatter's rights. Get out or I'm callin' the cops."

"But I'm siii-iiiiick," Atsumu wails as Osamu shoves him onto the couch.

"He's sick," you say as Osamu then distracts you with a mobile game on his phone and tells you to share with Atsumu.

The two of you huddle together, cheeks pressed, with the phone balanced on your lap. It's a puzzle game. Which means it's a time-consuming distraction to keep the two of you out of his hair.

From his periphery he watches the two of you work together and discuss strategy. He's already made it past level ten and you both are already having trouble in the tutorial stage. God. How the fuck are the two of you still alive? Maybe he's an enabler. But he'd be lying if he said his heart didn't throb in that sickly sweet way when he sees his brother squeeze his arms around you and snuggle into your shoulder.

Or the way you laugh, and tease him for being needy, but still cave to his stupid childlike tendencies.

So he watches, trying to fight the dumb smile off his face, as the two of you lace hands and forget you're being watched—Or maybe, it's the fact he watches that you both felt comfortable enough to lose yourselves in the moment and hold each other impossibly close.

You and Atsumu both lift your hands to win his already-won attention, and beam him shiny, all-tooth smiles. You lift his phone so he could see you've passed the tutorial.

He gives a thumbs-up. "Good job. Now try to get past the first stage."

Atsumu nudges you. "Yer trash at this game."

"Don't be mean I will cough on you."

"I'm already sick!"

"I'll make you cough on me, and then when you're better and I'm sick, I'll cough on you."

Atsumu's eyes glow in that way where he remembers something that no one else gives a shit about. "I watched a documentary yesterday and it said that yer less likely to get sick from the same thing cuz you've already built an immunity towards it."

"That's weird," says Osamu. You both glance at him. "Cuz I've been sick of you for the past twenty-two years."

You and Osamu share an air-high-five while Atsumu yells out a pitched: "'Samu shut the fuck up!" —Before breaking out into a fit of coughs that rends his throat and has you gently rubbing the panes of his back until he's settled.

"Don't get mad at him just because he's right, Atsumu."

Atsumu cringes and coughs on you.

You delete the progress the both of you had made on the tutorial and start from a new game slate. Atsumu shrieks in betrayal.

Yup. Osamu sighs. The two of you deserve each other.

by wobbles a/n: might write more "osamu observes how you and atsumu play hot potato with a singular brain cell and sometimes he's forced to intervene before you two start a fire on accident" that take place in the same universe since these are fun

[geeky92]

RANDOM CUPHEAD HEADCANON DUMP!

((Was gonna put that down as a header, but since my internet’s kinda slow today, and Tumblr won’t let me use headers right now, I had to type it like that…))

Anyway, since this looks like a great place for posting Cuphead headcanons, I thought I’d put mine out here for funsies, starting with my favorite character…

Little disclaimer on this one: Part of my headcanon for The Devil here sort of involves a demonic dad and demonic siblings, kinda like that Infernal Family AU made by @retroferno. Now, before you start calling me a plagiarizer, I want to let you all know that I’ve had this sort of “Seven Princes of Hell” idea in my head for Cuphead’s Devil LONG before coming across that AU. My version still has a lot of key differences, as you’ll soon find out. I’m not trying to insult retroferno here by any means. They’re a great Cuphead artist, and you should totally follow them. I’m just letting you all know what to expect in this post, so that I don’t start accidentally raising any plagiarism suspicions on here.

So, with all that said, here’s my cringy ass headcanons! :D

The reason why The Devil’s always so full of himself, is due to a CRAZY amount of low self-esteem for being the smallest of seven demon brothers, which would prompt his older bros to mock and give him degrading nicknames, like “Little Luci” or “The Runt”.

His father is Apollyon, the demon of destruction and King of the Abyss (and a fallen angel, who split himself into 7 more smaller demons when thrown from Heaven, which, in my mind, was how The Devil and his brothers were “born”). Unfortunately, he never thought too highly of Luci either, since his smaller stature made him very weak compared to his brothers. This just made him see Luci as a lost cause and a disgrace.

Before Luci became the devil of Inkwell Isles, his brothers were each given their own “underworld” to rule on Earth, when they all came of age (Leviathan had the oceans, Maymun had the gold mines, Belial had the volcanic areas, etc.)

Luci, not wanting to be left out any longer, begged Apollyon to send him to Earth, so that he could find his own underworld to rule and prove he’s not a weakling. Apollyon would only begrudgingly agree to this, not because he cared about Luci, but because he wanted to get rid of him for good, and assumed that he wouldn’t survive that long up there anyway.

Now, for Henchmen, he didn’t get along that well with The Devil when they first met. In addition to having access to Earth, and their own underworlds to rule, The Devil and his brothers were each given their own henchman demon as a “coming of age gift” (think of it like the pearls and the diamonds in Steven Universe). All the older brothers got a henchman that perfectly matched their personality; but The Devil (Luci), being the last one to receive any kind of gift from his father, was stuck with a henchman that was the exact opposite of him in almost every way. Needless to say, Luci wasn’t very happy about that.

One day, while exploring Inkwell Isles for the first time, Luci got so fed up with Henchman’s goofy antics and constant cheerfulness, that he screamed at him, saying he’d wish his father never paired him up with a “useless fat dope”. And through tearful sobs, Henchman replies with “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be useless! I just want to make you proud!”, which makes Luci come to a full realization that he’d use to say those exact words to his father whenever HE screwed something up. This is basically my theory on why The Devil is often so much more patient with Henchman, compared to his other minions.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST…

Okay, so this is gonna sound REALLY corny and cliché, but…I like to believe that King Dice started out as an orphan with big dreams of becoming the greatest musician, radio host, and entertainer in all the Inkwell Isles; and once he reached the age of 12, he felt like his talents were being wasted in the orphanage. So he ran away, became a pickpocket, and eventually met young Devil and young Henchman along the way (I’m one of those people who likes to view Dice and The Devil as childhood friends).

King Dice was also the one who introduced The Devil to earthly wonders like money, carnivals, jazz, casinos, and of course, cake.

[tricktster]

the twilight series suddenly makes 100% more sense if you read them under a specific premise that, i contend, is heavily supported by the text:

Much like Amy’s diary in Gone Girl, the books in the Twilight Saga are verbatim reproductions of in-universe diary entries carefully and deliberately created and curated by badass unreliable narrator Bella Swan as a means to achieve immortality.

Prerequisite assumptions:

1) Bella actively and persistently wants to become a vampire, both diagetically and (I contend) non-diagetically. The average vampire novel format often fails to capture realistic human behavior in one highly specific area: the protagonists are frequently mortals who grapple with the choice of whether to become a vampire. This is stupid, because being a vampire would obviously be dope as hell; particularly in the Twilight Universe, where vampires are not required to take a human life to survive, and indeed, have the capacity to live full and rewarding lives while integrated* into the human community.

(*integrated-ish; see Assumption 6)

2. There are too many coincidences for Bella to have encountered the Cullens by sheer chance, only to be the ONE person that Edward can’t live without (due largely to the novelty factor of not being able to read her ding-dang thoughts.)

3. Diagetically, the Volturi don’t even know Bella’s psyonic gifts until New Moon, but we also know that the Volturi scour the globe for recruits to enlist into the protection of their governing body.

4. Nobody wants to be a voiceless cog in a bureaucracy.

5. Nobody, and especially nobody in high school, wants to be a high school student forever.

6. Vampires in twilight are, as a group, cartoonishly terrible at disguising their true nature.

7. Forks is a backwater town approximately 3.5 hours away from the biotech hub of Seattle.

7. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney can eat my farts and they deserve to be preserved in this snapshot of an innocent author’s mind slowly unraveling.

Proposed timeline:

In 1993, there is a key system meltdown at a improvised biohacking startup in Seattle, rendering all innovative genetic modification experiments into a puddle of brown sludge that nobody can figure out how to dispose of per Federal regs, since they don’t even know what it is.

The broke founder of the startup, who for the purposes of this timeline I will call Jeff Bezos because that’s who it was, eventually grows tired of all the discussion about what to do, and just pops it in a barrel, drives a few hours out of town, and dumps it in a pond.

Bella Swan, a small child, is hanging out at a park with her family friend Jacob Black (and a ton of his friends) when they all decide to wade in a slightly murky pond. Thereafter, they are transformed.

Bella grows up as a normal, highly powerful mutant with a +20 to deception checks and wisdom saves. She lives in Arizona, but up until 2002, summers in Forks. While in Forks, she picks up on the local lore about a family of vampires who don’t eat people.

Because Forks (population: 17 + Charlie’s mustache) is boring, Bella bones up on the only interesting thing about it, i.e. Vampire Hometown baybeeeee.

In 2000, George W. Bush gets elected president, and his evangelical politics and general bumbling ineptitude informs Bella’s opinions on authoritative governmental entities.

In 2001, the Cullens make their intention to move back to Forks known, but they take a while because they need to pack all their stupid graduation hats and volvos, etc.

Later in 2001, a psychic Volturi scout rolls through Forks to ensure that nobody within living memory recalls the Cullens, and notices an anomaly in the psychic field.

The scout goes to confront Bella about joining the Volturi, and Bella immediately clocks him as a vampire, because vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human. This leaves the scout in a bind: she’s too valuable to kill, but she’s a pre-teen, and therefore too young to be transformed per Volturi authority.

The scout warns her he’ll have to kill her if she discusses the existence of vampires with any human. He then tells her he’ll be back in five years, and begins to sweet talk her on how good life will be when she’s a vampire, beautiful, immortal, powerful, etc. Bella asks if she has to kill, and dude says “nah, actually there’s a bunch of vegetarian vampires who are moving back here soon. Fucking nerds, but otherwise they’re doing well.” Bella is all about becoming a vampire, because Bella is a rational actor.

Bella moves to Arizona, and as the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are unjustifiedly initiated, she recognizes that while she DOES want to be a vampire, she does NOT want to be a foot soldier in any war that she can’t support. She needs a plan.

In 2004, Bella is watching her step-dad’s minor league baseball game when it occurs to her. On her own, she’s a target for the Volturi, but if she had some people to watch her back, she might be okay. Of course, nobody fucks with the Volturi on behalf of some rando human. She’ll need to con her way into a coven who’ll have her back and also give her that +10 to constitution via vampiric transformation, which she desperately wants because she’s a rational actor. And where are the non-volturi vampires that might have her back? Fucking Forks.

Bella moves to Forks in 2004, and upon seeing the Cullens, she immediately clocks them as vampires even though they left their “we’re all vampires” booty shorts at home, because, as previously discussed, vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human.

Bella notes that all the vampires but one are paired off in heterosexual bliss, and takes note of the straggler as a potential vehicle to vampyrdom.

Bella figures out that Eddie can read everyone’s mind but hers, because Edward Cullen fucking sucks at looking/acting like a human who can’t read minds. Bella further observes that Eddie has a huge undead boner for her.

She’s found her mark. Now she just needs to convince him that she’s better off as part of the coven than on her own. Problem: Eddie’s a self-pitying insufferably guilt-striken perpetual adolescent who keeps himself busy by feeling sorry for himself because he’s a vampire, angst angst angst etc etc. Also, I think he’s Catholic, so add some more guilt in. She’ll have to win him over by convincing him that they’re destined to be soulmates.

What does a vampire used to having complete insight into everyone’s mind but his crush’s want? A method to know what she really thinks of him. Bella begins writing a “diary” knowing that there’s no way in hell Eddie won’t sneak in and read it. So she Gone Girls it, and begins to lay a trap to lure him in. That first diary? Twilight.

This was just in the movie but a stoner chases her around with a worm on a stick. Nothing to do with this theory, I just like that part of the movie. Where’s my spinoff about that guy?

Eddie won’t give Bella what she wants (eternal life) by the end of book 1, even though she asks him to EXTREMELY POLITELY. Time to hit the diary with some more promises of undying love.

Bella reconnects with her old friend Jacob and the rest of the Mutated By Jeff Bezos Boys. Alas, they cannot turn her into a physically powerful sexy immortal with a bite, so she’s still stuck with plan A) win over a whole family of vampires with big Mormon energy. It’s the long con.

Edward’s angst abruptly takes a swing towards terminal. He’s absolutely your classic sadboy, perhaps because Bella now has one (1) friend that he knows about.

When Eddie begins to drift away on account of Angst, Bella conjurs up a secondary love interest who, coincidentally, is ALSO a sexy supernatural entity, and is much less coincidentally just Jacob.

We should establish here that Edward is like a 107 year old white dude and so even though Diary!Bella pretends not to see it, Metatextual Frame Story!Bella knows that dude is super racist.

Jacob Black is three things: 1. Like Bella, a mutant (although one with shapeshifting abilities), 2.one of Bella’s oldest and most trusted confidants, and 3. down to clown on an elderly teenage vampire who keeps stereotyping him. Sure, says Jacob, I’ll take the form of a werewolf. He seriously thinks we’re all just beastmen, huh? Hey look at me now, I’m Regis Philbin because this is 2005 and Who Wants to be a Millionaire is still sort of relevant. Sick.

Edward does not like that Bella has one (1) other friend. Bella and Jacob plot to use this to their advantage and lure Edward back on the wings of jealousy.

Eddie gets himself into trouble on account of Angst and poor communication, so Bella has to go rescue him from himself/the Volturi.

Aro finally meets her and gets to test her powers, which impress him. Now she’s back on the fucking radar.

I forget everything that happens in Eclipse, so i have chosen to omit that part.

Eventually she extracts a quid pro quo from Eddie; i’ll marry you if you turn me into a dracula.

We don’t really call ourselves that, Wet Blanket Cullen replies, entirely earnestly.

Bella gets married at 18 in 2006, and Eddie starts to backtrack his promise about changing her. This won’t stand.

Well, look, he’s an elderly guilty catholic/mormon teen who probably still uses super racist terms, but she’s stuck on honeymoon island, he has certain angles that work for him, and seriously what are they gonna do but fuck? Bella’s alternative is listening to her “husband” drone on about his interests, which are almost certainly Car, How Do I Post a Minion Picture on Facebook, and Licorice Used To Be a Lot Cheaper in the Good Old Days.

Whoops a fetus.

Bella recognizes that she’s GOT to have this baby: time’s running out, and Bella knows that at least two of the Vamps in her coven will cut ties if she terminates or otherwise fails to carry this baby to term because of the conservative religious subtext. She’s going to have to stick it out for 9 months, even though it’s a risky call.

Bella gets what she wants after giving birth. “My time as a human is over, but I've never felt more alive. I was born to be a vampire.” That’s a direct quote. Except now she’s got a (pretty cute and easy) baby that she desperately wants to protect from Turning Into A Vaguely Religious Cullen Dressed Head To Toe In Cream Colored Wool.

Bella decides to fake her own death and escape with the kid and Jake so they can form i guess a detective agency. Bella will get “killed” by the Volturi, move to Sydney, and open up shop, and Jake will take the kid after her a few months later.

They’re gonna need a reason why Jake gets the kid though, and there’s only one reason to do anything amongst the Cullens: a heterosexual love interest with a super problematic age gap.

Jesus, Jake sighs, is Eddie really going to believe I’m in romantic love with your actual infant? Does he really think that little of me?

Yup.

Bella tries to draw the Volturi’s attention.

Works too well.

The Cullens call up all their vague acquaintances, who are at least kind of fun. Particularly that one dude who keeps getting angry about British conduct during the American Revolution.

Well, fuck, now the Volturi are bringing an army to fight their ragtag army of Vampires Who Are Cool And Interesting Enough That We Can Safely Presume They Are All Definitely Gay. Bella can’t let those guys die, they’re the first actually compelling vampires she’s ever talked to.

Bella saves the day because she’s OP.

All the Cool Vamps start packing up to leave and Bellz almost goes with them, but the Cullens would just keep sending missionaries after her if they knew.

Bella finishes her fourth journal with the vague warning that the Volturi are still out there somewhere and they miiiight just try and get her.

Two days later, she stages a scuffle and gets the fork out of Fucks. Her journals are the only clue.

Sirius Black and baby nessie follow once edward has stopped sobbing into his cream colored sweater and moved on to Extended Power Pouting.

Bella recruits her own army of fledglings.

Bella stages a coup against the Volturi and succeeds.

Bella sits on the iron throne with a hot lady vampire on each knee and they all kiss and stuff.

Nessie I guess forms a post punk band?

Edward dies from aspiration of a brussel sprout that he ate because he just wanted to feel something.

Charlie and Billy get married.

Charlie’s mustache develops a cult instagram following, providing them with a modest retirement income.

Jacob shapeshifts into Bill Murray and is always crashing weddings.

Bella’s stepdad is off in the B plot this whole time winning the world series with the help of a kooky angel.

There. Fixed. My soul is at rest.

[mandareeboo]

SU Music Rankings

Bc I can and I wanna start some Disk Horse rip. These are all in order of preference, with explanations, etc. It’s a long bitch. That said, I’m not counting little short jingles or small joke songs like Little Butler. This is the meat and potatoes of SU music- just under 30 songs. I might do the rest if people like my takes lol.

I scored it mostly on three bases- how dear it was to my heart, how much/often I relisten to it, and also what it means to the plot. That said, little fun songs don’t automatically go farther down than big, plot-heavy songs either! It’s a strange little balance.

Special Note: I don’t dislike any of this music! I love SU and that includes its bumps and glitches. I just pick favorite children lol.

1.) Change

Was there ever a more Steven moment than when he wiped the blood off his face and kissed it into sparkles? I think not. 

If “Be Wherever You Are” is an ode to young Steven, then this is teen Steven’s. Talking about change, and how much and how little it can do. How he holds his arms up for Spinel to hug him, so trusting. How he seems able to just. Break into soft tears at will, and not to be manipulative- it’s just his kind nature. The warmth in his voice. Fuck yesssss.

2.) Change Your Mind

This song is only fifty five seconds and it’s EVERYTHING to me. It really felt like someone was speaking the words I’d always held deep inside of me, unsure of how to say. It feels like a goodbye to someone who never really loved me. 

As much as I enjoyed Future, if this was the finale of SU, I would’ve been perfectly okay with that.

3.) Drift Away

This song gave me legitimate shivers the first time I heard it, and it still haunts me to this day. Spinel stayed, and waited, and all she got was a transmission thousands of years later. Fuck.

4.) Here We Are In The Future

THE MOVIE IS SU AS ITS BEST AND I WON’T BE SWAYED ON IT. Steven being a teen who loves his weird family but is growing just a bit sarcastic to their drama. The adorable love he and Connie share. His slow realization that he will always be working, always have things to do, is both somber and real. The Crystal Gems won’t be safe with one epic battle. They’ll be safe with years of hard work and love. HIS LITTLE HANDSHAKE WITH AMETHYST.

This is a helluva bop and a great way to summarize the main character’s backstories.

5.) Let’s Only Think About Love

Did ya’ll know that Zach Callison killed his throat with that last note? He gave his all for this performance in a vocal range he no longer comfortably do and by god did it SHINE. The FLAIR. The FORESHADOWING. All of the Gems all being awkward about Rose and Steven trying to bring them to the present. Peridot having a mini-existential crisis in a cute yellow dress. I love Zach Callison’s normal singing voice but man is that a fucking bop. Nothing will ever beat it.

6.) Here Comes A Thought

This bad boy helped me out a LOT with some mental issues I was dealing with in high school. I was unmedicated, unsupervised, and full of anxiety. I’d have break downs when I tried to speak about certain things. I couldn’t function. This song inspired me. It helped me feel okay with my intrusive thoughts.

And the episode! -chef’s kiss-. Once again bringing up the morally gray area of training child soldiers. Connie expanding her social group. Steven’s trauma hauling ass in that second half. The ANIMATION. Stevonnie’s gorgeous singing voice. GOD yes.

7.) It’s Over Isn’t It?

Just barely squeaking above Stronger Than You, this ballad is everything gorgeous. The whole episode is. I think Mr. Greg stands in the top five of my episodes for the entire show. It even got nominated!

There’s just so much about this song that I love. The gentle melancholy of Pearl’s voice. How the crew had to redo the shots for this bit bc Deedee went so fucking hard. The hard cuts between Pearl, remembering the love of her life, and Steven, who has begun to feel like he took her away. I’d recommend this song to anyone, regardless of what they do or don’t know about SU, simply bc it tugs so many heartstrings of love, loss, and responsibility.

8.) Stronger Than You

Did you realize this episode aired SEVEN years ago? This bitch was what got me into SU! Hearing about Ruby and Sapphire made my little gay heart so happy inside, and then getting a whole song confirming that they were a couple, that their love powered the strongest Gem on the team? Aaaaaaaaa

To this DAY I get excited when I hear Estelle start singing. This song is timeless. This song will live in media history. God I fucking love this song.

9.) Other Friends

I’m not the biggest musical person, so I hadn’t heard of Sarah Stiles before her casting as Spinel, but JESUS CHRIST the lady went hard. She went SO fucking hard. Sarah Stiles started on 100 and somehow just kept CLIMBING. You can just hear the sheer manic energy building in her voice, the anger and resentment. 10/10 Sarah Stiles is a queen.

10.) Independent Together

This made the list entirely bc the crew was like “you’re gonna get a himbo ass Steven-Greg fusion singing with Opal while Garnet flies across the moon on Lion while floating” and I am forever thankful to them for it

11.) Who We Are

Bismuth deserved more songs. ‘Nuff said.

12.) Peace and Love (On the Planet Earth)

It Could’ve been Great is EASILY one of my favorite s2 episodes. I love the entire concept of this song. Of Steven making music to reflect how much Earth means to him and his family. Of him teaching Peridot some self-care. Also Peridot’s singing voice is really cute and squeaky. 

I know it’s silly, but I would’ve really enjoyed a flip around of this in Future! Like Peridot reminding Steven how much he loves music, that he needs to take time to relax for himself, maybe with a new verse or just a remix of the original song!

13.) Something Entirely New

I watched this episode as it aired, and I legitimately almost cried. I love Charlyne Yi’s voice so much ya’ll- her raspy, not perfect singing voice against Sapphire’s deep soothing lull is great.

And to have Ruby and Sapphire’s meeting be the way it was- for Ruby to bemoan Sapphire losing Homeworld, to being stuck with a single Ruby, while Sapphire is a noble who has always been taught everyone in her “caste” is vitally important (and has, in her own mind, taken that to mean every Gem, as she should) and how they come together and make each other happy. Good shit good shit.

14.) I’m Just a Comet

The fact that Greg’s music career never really blasted off pisses me off to this day bc Tom Scharpling’s voice is fucking BUTTER. Also the song really feels like a jab at his parents now that we know the kind of dynamic he had growing up. “This life in the stars if all I’ve ever known” is definitely him wiping away their existence after reminding them (and himself) the things they used to say about him.

15.) Do It For Her

This episode. This fucking episode. This episode got me permanently hooked on SU. I’d just binged season 1 and was kinda meh about it overall after the bop of Stronger Than You. “Oh,” I thought to myself, foolishly, “I’ll probably just casually watch this from time to time.”

Like three days later Sworn to the Sword aired and that was it. I was hooked! Pearl’s gentle training song turning darker and darker, Connie’s accompaniment from nervous to determined to fully into such a toxic mindset. The fact that SU had the BALLS to discuss the repercussions of training child soldiers, now and later. This episode was everything to me, STILL is everything to me.

Six years and well over 100 fanfics written later, I think it’s safe to say this show swallowed me whole and never let go.

16.) System/Boot.pearl_final(3)

I debated putting this on the list because it’s not anything crazy important, just a way to show things are Wrong, but I had to do it entirely bc Pearl is so damn SALTY.

Like telling us about the Gems makes sense, she felt like she was given a duty, but she went so damn petty. WHY is that Ruby alone. Gross. This Amethyst is a trash dump. Wtf are you people.

17.) Full Disclosure

This episode really feels like a turning point for SU. Before, the show had its dark moments- but now we’re in the thick of it, and it’s not going away. Full Disclosure felt like an rebuff to the idea of returning to any normal we’d established in season 1. Gems are actually a giant species now. Gems tried to kill us now. There’s this Yellow Diamond bitch who got namedropped. Something about a Cluster. 

The song itself is BALLER, with its ingenious use of Steven’s ringtone and photos as he tries to decide whether to clue in Connie on all this nonsense. Meanwhile we, the audience, already know damn well Connie about to yeet some common sense into him.

18.) What’s the Use of Feeling Blue?

I’mma admit it- I’m a Yellow Diamond stan. I’ve always loved her- her anger, her poise, her hardworking nature. I actively argued against the “Yellow Shattered Pink” theories back in the day. But, man, when this arc leaked? I got so overexcited I was too jittery to watch it for like two days. It’s easily my favorite arc of the series. The sheer alien nature of the zoo, the Famethyst, and absolutely Patti Lupone’s beautiful ballad. Goddamn. Yellow singing to Blue to try and help her regain her old status, the warble in her voice as she reminds Blue she misses Pink too, the movement of the bubbles as she talks about attack. It gives me shivers to this day. FUCK.

19.) Tower of Mistakes

This is, fun fact, that only SU song I have completely memorized. The story itself is kinda funny! See, we lost internet at my house for a solid 5 to 6 months when these episodes aired, so I only got a very brief window to view them all. But this was the first Amethyst song in a long while, and I didn’t want to forget it! So I keep replaying it in my head for ages. And that’s still definitely a thing.

Anyway will never not be sad that this entire song was about making it up to Garnet for Amethyst’s perceived slights with Sugilite (which was a two-way road), only for Garnet to pressure her into fusion later when pissed and never discuss it again bc Garnet probably never thought twice about it and Amethyst has the emotional openness of a clam that’s just been told its ugly. Helluva way to make someone feel like shit, G. Helluva way to bottle that shit, Ames.

20.) On the Run

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Amethyst! Needed! More! Songs! 

The dichotomy between Steven’s play and Amethyst’s honest desire to run away from home is so well-done, especially when you consider a lot of Steven and Amethyst’s actions are playing together. The song is also near and dear to me simply bc it’s my favorite Amethyst episode to exist (well, maybe second to What’s Your Problem, but not by much). Moments like these are all the proof I need that they were right to fuse first.

21.) Be Wherever You Are

This tune really just feels like an ode to who Steven was as a kid. Trapped on an island with no way home, and he’s just happy to be with his friends. The stars are beautiful and not oppressive. Also that one animatic with Lars and the Off Colors playing in the Homeworld Kindergarten to this music was iconic and made this song get stuck in my head for a solid month.

22.) Familiar

I ADORE how the crew use bright neon colors to show how alien Homeworld can be. And Steven recognizing that the Diamonds treat him how the CGs used to, and how prepared he is to “fix” a broken family. It’s a soft, gentle tune about melancholy. Also the Pebbles are beautiful.

23.) Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart

Such a cute little love ballad, but every time I listen to it now I just imagine the heart attack Rose must’ve had at the line “And if we look out of place/Well, baby, that's okay/I'll drive us into outer space.” like there’s a Vietnam war flashback if I ever heard one

24.) What Can I Do?

I’m kind of neutral on this one? Rose and Greg both have great voices, but the song itself lacks many lyrics. I think it was definitely a good way to show Rose’s flaws in thinking.

Also, I’m shocked they managed cram that much vaguely sexual innuendo into two minutes, followed by how Not Hetereo that dance between Rose and Pearl was, and not get their asses chewed by it. You go guys.

25.) Cookie Cat

I love a lot of the vibes this song has. The lyrics are so damn prophetic, but they also sound like the kind of weird 90s commercials I grew up on. It’s been like two decades since I saw the Shirley Temple commercial but I’ll be damned if I don’t remember “Animals crackers in my soup! Monkey and rabbits loop-de-loop.”

26.) Giant Woman

I am. NOT the biggest fan of Steven’s original singing voice. I feel bad saying that, since it was just Zach Callison as a kid, but he never jived well with me for some reason. So I wouldn’t listen to this on the fly. 

The song itself is still really good though, with all sorts of fun animation of Amethyst and Pearl being bitchy to each other. It’s a bit sad in hindsight to see tiny Steven trying to get his moms to get along. Ahh, season 1.

27.) Strong in the Real Way

This song has SUCH a strong start. Pearl reflecting on Sugilite’s problems, but the show making sure to show us that Pearl’s lack of enthusiasm towards her also lends itself to jealousy as well as just general malaise. How much she cares about Steven, and wants him to grow up strong. 

And then Steven just kinda. Ruins it? I appreciate his enthusiasm for tryna bulk up but to take what was starting as such a rich, personal song and broadcasting it to random strangers just makes me a bit sad. Almost a bit angry on her behalf?

28.) That Distant Shore

I KNOW this is gonna create some discourse, but I’m just not the biggest Lapis stan. I love her voice. I love the visuals of the song. And I get why she felt afraid and needed to flee.

But Lapis never got to take responsibility for her own actions. And, in the end, the song feels hollow to me- because we all know she’ll never talk to anyone about it, know she’ll burst back in and destroy the barn, and no one will ever question it. I like Lapis a lot, but I feel like her arc never was fully finished. She never got help. She never learned to feel safe.

29.) Dear Old Dad

I’ve yet to meet a single human being who likes this episode tbh. There’s some great discussion about what kind of parent Greg is from it, and what kind of dynamic he has with the Gems that he felt he had to fake an injury to hang out with his son. Honestly the first half was fine and dandy. It’s just that then they Greg just went out of his way to drag Steven away from missions and such. It never jived well with his character before or after.

Also, is it just me, or does Zach himself sound like he hates the song as he sings it? There’s no passion or heart in his voice. It sounds like they told him to read off cue cards and he did. Tom Scharpling’s best attempts didn’t save this one for being a skipper. But the episode, unfortunately, isn’t, so it gets a spot on here.