#does she know how to make a grilled sandwich

[dragonroilz]

he doesnt know

[makethemhoesmad]

love you till my lungs give out

paige bueckers x reader

word count- 2k(lord)

notes: this fic was such a great write for me, as it focuses around eating disorders, which is something i’ve personally struggled with. i know this is a sensitive topic, so please, if this makes you uncomfortable, scroll away, or read at your own risk.

thanks to: literally the biggest thanks ever to @melpthatsme for dming me your idea and helping me work through it, i really could not have done this without you, so everyone thank them

also thanks to @imaginespazzi and @bueckersstrap for reacting to my random messages about this

—

the first time it happened, i barely realized i did it.

“paigey, my head hurts so bad right now. like, im gonna die right here,” i groan, hiding my face in the fabric of her hoodie, trying to lock out any stray amounts of light coming from the covered windows. she runs her hand through my hair, and starts to ever-so-gently massage my temples. i sigh in quiet relief, and then she tries to pull me up to lay on top of her.

“uh uh, paige, no,” i say. i try to shake my head at her, but a bolt of pain flies through me, forcing my head back down.

“jus’ tryna help you get comfy, ma,” she whispers, bundling me up in a blanket and pulling me back into her side. she moves her warm hands up and under my t-shirt, but i squirm about, complaining that they’re too cold, even though i’ve never felt anything more soft and warm, so she moves them back over my shirt. but i don’t notice it, not really. and neither does she.

the second time, i know what i did.

“so, what should we order to eat?” paige asks, scrolling on her phone for different options. 

“mm, what if i cooked here, for something different! i can make you a grilled cheese,” i joke, nudging her arm with my shoulder. “that’s all i know how to cook anyway.”

she giggles, standing up with me and following me to the kitchen. she hoists herself onto the counter, and watches me intently as i pull out the things for a sandwich. i grin at her, moving to step in between her legs and take her face in my hands. 

“you’re so cute,” i say, pressing a kiss to her nose. she hops off of the counter and follows me to the stove. paige is just too sweet to me sometimes. i’m cooking dinner for her, the least i can do, really, and she’s cozied up behind me, arms around my waist her hands are barely touching, she can barely fit them around me and her chin is resting softly on my shoulder. she’s pressing light pecks to whatever area she can reach, and i feel at peace, in the kitchen, for a few moments. then it stops.

“why aren’t you making one for yourself baby?” she asks, spinning me around to lean me against the countertop, forgetting her sandwich beside her.

“i’m feeling, um, nauseous,” i stutter, stumbling over the excuse. she lets me go, though she looks skeptical.

“cmon, just have a bite of mine then. baby, you really need to eat more, that’s probably why you haven’t been feeling very well lately.”

i allow her to feed me a small bite, then quickly use my fingers to silently add that to whatever else i ate today. i read somewhere that to lose weight, you need to burn more calories that you eat. tomorrow, i need to burn around 800. Well, 804 now. 

the third time, i think paige noticed something was up.

“ma, this is literally the fourth time you’ve said that you’re cold. just take my fucking hoodie, i’m actually begging you,” she pleads, taking it off and offering it up to me. i shake my head, again, and press myself further into her chest, rubbing my arms to try and make the goosebumps disappear. she pulls me into her, then moves her mouth to my ear.

“is everything okay baby? do you wanna go home?” she whispers, nuzzling my neck with her nose. i shrug, not wanting to make her leave if she wasn’t done chatting with people yet. she makes the decision for me, standing up and tugging me with her. her hand finds its way to the small of my back, and she guides me towards the door. i sway slightly as we stand, blood rushing to my head. i take it as my lack of protein, or anything really, catching up to me. she stops walking, lurching to grab me by both shoulders and bend to eye level with me.

“darling, i want you to be honest with me. what have you eaten today?” i shake my head, feeling my cheeks going red at the thought of her confronting me. i look down, trying to avoid eye contact with her as my eyes fill with tears. she wraps me up into a hug, planting a kiss to the top of my head. she pulls me to the car and helps me in, then climbs into her own door, but makes no move to turn the car on. instead she pulls out her phone and asks me “so, where do you wanna stop and pick up food on our way home?” 

“paige, i’m really not that hungry, just tired and need to be with you in bed for the night. can we please just go home?” 

she nods, but looks at me skeptically out of the corner of her eye. she must know that all i’ve eaten today is half an energy drink and a piece of gum. i’ll eat something with her tomorrow, i guess. we can go out to lunch together and then when she goes to the gym ill go on a run. then she’ll see that im okay.

the fourth time, or probably the fifth or sixth, really, i don’t notice it, so i don’t think she does either.

“cmere pretty,” paige mumbles, reaching her arms out to me from where she’s laying on the bed. i slowly move to lay next to her, but roll away when she tries to take my sweater off.

“hey, baby, what?” she whines, apparently frustrated by the lack of contact.

“i wanna leave it on, paigey,” i tell her, moving my hand into the waistband of her shorts.

“but i wanna see you, please baby,” i don’t like saying no to her, but this is one thing i very rarely back down on.

“uh uh, sorry. lemme taste you, though,” i respond, moving to tug her shorts down.

“nah, come and sit on my face, cutie.” she smirks at her own words, but i’m not laughing. i scramble off the bed, standing up to black spots in my vision. i stand still, squeezing my eyes shut to get rid of the feeling. i stay there for im not sure how long, when i feel strong arms loop around my shoulders and help me onto the bed. paige helps me lay down, placing my head in her lap, then starts to comb through my hair with her fingers. she doesn’t say anything, and i’m grateful for that. obviously, she just thinks im tired. she knows im okay.

this time, im sure she noticed. it would be hard not to.

i’ve just come home from a run to the gym, dripping in sweat. it’s part of my new routine. i jog a mile and a half to the gym, i walk on a stairmaster or inclined treadmill there, then run home. normally i leave when paige leaves for practice, and come home just as she’s getting home, if not a little before so i can shower before she gets here. today, i must’ve done a little too much, because by the time i walk in the door, my head is spinning. i walk into the kitchen, sitting down at the island and resting my head in my hands, trying to clear my vision. i don’t hear when the door opens.

“baby, are you okay?” i hear. i sit up quickly, startled, then put my head back down immediately, because my vision goes nearly dark again.

“mhm, just tired you know? just got back from a run.” 

“you’ve got to take a rest day sometimes, darling,” she coos, taking my face into her hands and pressing a kiss to my nose. i nod, knowing i won’t do it.

sometimes i don’t realize it, but she knows exactly what to do.

i’ve just finished cooking dinner, just some simple spaghetti and a salad. i place her bowl of noodles in front of her, then settle down with my salad. when i stand up to get a glass of water, then come back, i can’t help but notice she’s switched our bowls.

“paigey, could i, possibly, maybe, have my bowl back?” i ask, trying to seem lighthearted.

“oh, yeah, sure,” she answers, sliding it back towards me. but when i try to slide hers back, she stops me. 

“nah, you eat that too. seems like you forgot to serve yourself noodles, so ill go make myself a new bowl.” she stands up, but i scramble in front of the stove quicker, blocking her way. 

“why would you do that, when i made you a whole bowl? eat it,” i tell her, pointing back to the countertop. she lunges at me, lifting me easily and placing me on the countertop. why would she pick me up? she definitely thought i was too heavy. i bet she leaves after this. she drags her my bowl over, twirls a few noodles onto the fork, and begins to prod my mouth with it. 

“cmon honey, just a bite. it’s not like it’s poison, you literally just cooked it,” she presses. i start to shake my head, so she moves the fork and instead swoops in for a kiss. i return her advances eagerly. hoping it distracts her. she moves her head down, pressing open mouthed kisses to my neck, and my mouth falls open. i don’t realize she’s noticed that until she’s setting the forkful of food between my lips and lightly closing them.

“it’s one bite, ma. let’s get it eaten, then you can be done.” i chew, not really having the choice to run and spit it out. once i swallow, she beams at me.

“such a good girl, baby. i’m so proud of you.”

at some point, she wins

“come here now, baby,” paige demands, grasping me by the waist and yanking me in front of her. i’d been about to climb into the shower when she spotted me through the bathroom mirror, stripped down to nothing. she’d grabbed me, pulled me into my room, and positioned us in front of the full-length mirror to the side.

“you see how perfect you are? how pretty?” she mumbles into my ear. i let my eyes flutter shut as she snakes her hand down my body, stopping to circle her finger over my clit. a groan slips out from my lips, and she stops.

“alright, i want you to keep on looking right in the mirror, ma. want you to see how perfectly you take my fingers.” i writhe against her, trying to keep my eyes open and hold myself up at the same time. she plunges three fingers into me. i cry out, locking eyes with her in the mirror, she smirks, the same way she always does when drawing a climax from me. i go boneless. if she hadn’t been holding me so tightly, i would be on the floor.

“now can you see how amazing you are? you don’t gotta change anything about you, i’ll love you no matter what. you should stop listening to what others say, because people that love you, like me, want you, no matter what you look like. i, personally, think you’re perfect. i’ll love you till the day my lungs give out, and even then, i’ll use my last breath to say it again.”

after that, it happens less often. some days, i still forget to eat, and some days even looking at a scale makes me want to throw up. but paige is always there. she’s always there to hold me, or help me eat just a little bit, or to help me lay down and relax after i’ve panicked so hard ive puked into the toilet. one day, looking at her from across the couch, i realize that when she told me she’d love me no matter what, she was telling the truth.

[ayyy-imma-ninja]

Do you have TSAMS Moon headcanons?

I most certainly do!

he will sleep in his turtleneck sweater

he has multiples of the same turtleneck because he used cloning technology to make several copies

if he were to have a dog as a pet or emotional service animal, it would be a great dane named Moose

he gets cold easily, so he wears a pair of fuzzy socks when padding around the house

he parrots a lot of noises and sounds he hears, including phrases (could qualify as vocal stims). If he hears someone say it, he has to say it too

he has touch aversion from not receiving much physical affection in past years. He's fine with giving hugs since he's the one instigating it, but when receiving hugs he prefers being asked first.

When in severe emotional distress, however, he'll desperately seek out someone to hold him

don't challenge him to a tickle fight, he will always win no matter what

he has a hyperfixation on aquatic animals

he tinkers to cope with anxiety, and to keep his hands busy

as a result he sometimes gets aches in his joints

his favorite of the cats is Stupid (Muffin)

he sobs heavily when upset, and does so in private so no one can hear him, and then will fix himself some hot tea after calming down

his comfort food is grilled cheese sandwiches; he likes the way Earth prepares it with different cheeses mixed together (she also knows how to not burn the bread)

[chibifox2002]

Does Jaybird have a set schedule for Doey when he splits into the three boys. Is there somewhere she gets frustrated with Kevin.

Each of the boys actually have their own pre-planned days to spend with Janet! So that way they have their own time to spend with mom whenever they're separated!

Also that second part inspired me to write a fic so hope you don't mind that!

====================================

The autumn sun shone brightly as Janet drove down an old trail just a bit down the road from her house. It was a slightly bumpy ride, with the trail being slightly deformed by the numerous storms that had passed by since she last drove down it, sticks and twigs littering the path.

Normally, she would be picking up the mess so the next trip wouldn't be as bumpy, but she didn't want to take too long with this drive. Not with her current passenger, who was seated on the right side of the back seat of her old mustang, looking out the window with a sour expression on his face.

Doey- no, Kevin, had a bit of an outburst a couple days prior, and separated himself from the others since then.

Literally. He had removed himself from Doey and locked himself in the basement storage room. It had surely shocked Janet when the situation was explained to her after returning home from work. She had no idea that the boys who formed Doey were capable of doing that!

Although she was able to convince Kevin to come out of the basement, he was still silent and distant from the others. Especially Jack and Matthew, the other two boys of Doey. Refusing to reform with them, and the two were starting to get worried about their friend and brother.

Well, today Janet had decided that enough was enough, and invited Kevin on a drive with her. Telling the red colored doughboy to grab a jacket and that she had a special place that she wanted to show him.

Leaving DogDay in charge, she had set up a movie marathon for the other toys, along with snacks and instructions on how to use the popcorn maker, and set out with her son.

Which led to now, Janet finally pulling up to her destination, an open space next to a decent sized lake surrounded by trees, and stopping the car and walking to the trunk to grab a blanket and a small basket of snacks for the two of them.

Might as well make this a picnic.

After setting everything up, the two sat and chatted about the week while snacking on the sliced fruits and grilled cheese sandwiches that Janet had prepared.

About an hour passed before Janet decided to initiate the plan.

"So... Did you wanna talk about what happened a few days ago while I was out?" Janet asked with a gentle voice. Knowing (and expecting) that the boy may not want to talk about it just yet.

Kevin paused mid-bite of his sandwich, and placed it back into his paper plate. Falling silent once again.

Janet nodded. "That's alright baby, you don't gotta talk about it if ya ain't ready to." Janet reached into the basket and pulled out a water bottle for Kevin, holding it towards him as an offer. To which he accepted.

Janet continued as Kevin opened the bottle to take a sip. "I just want you to know that I know what it's like to lash out like that. To have something eat away at your mind until it drives you mad. Until you feel like you HAVE to get it out SOMEHOW, and how violence seems like an easy way to do so..." Janet paused, sighing. Kevin paying full attention to his mother.

"But that's not the best way to go about it... It can hurt you, as well as those you care about..." Janet looked up towards the tops of the trees.

"Back when I was in therapy, my physiatrist suggested finding a better outlet for my anger. She suggested practicing breathing techniques, hobbies to get my mind off of it, and even to try writing it down in a journal." Janet shifted, suddenly moving to stand up.

"But, I found that the best way to deal with my issues for me, was to come here and release it!"

"Either by just screaming my heart out here-" Janet bent down and picked up a rock. "Or by throwing rocks into the lake." She reeled back her arm and threw the rock as hard as she could into the lake. It splashing close to the center of the lake.

She stared towards the lake for a bit before hearing footsteps approach her, she looked over just in time to see Kevin pick up a rock, look out to the lake, and throw it as hard as he could, shouting as the rock flew from his hand and into the water. Landing just a bit farther from where Janet's had landed.

"Nice throw honey!" Janet applauded as she walked over to him with a slightly bigger rock. Handing it to him. "Wanna throw this one too?" Kevin took the rock and threw it. Landing a bit closer to them from the last rock's landing spot.

Janet then suddenly picked up a pebble, and skipped it across the lake with ease. Which shocked the doughboy.

"How'd you do that?!" Kevin asked, amazement in his voice and on his face.

Janet chuckled.

"Well, first you gotta find a flat pebble or rock-" She held up another one as an example. "You hold it so it's like a tiny frisbee in your fingers. Then you flick your wrist as you throw it like this!-"

She once again skipped the stone as Kevin searches for a suitable stone to skip.

It takes him a few tries, but eventually he's skipping stones with the same amount of grace as the human woman who taught him.

They laugh and continue to skip stones for a couple minutes. Before Kevin speaks up again.

"... I hate that I'm mad all the time..." Janet turns to him. "I hate that I still get nightmares about that place and what happened to me. I just want to TRY and get over it all, and I am! I'm trying so hard to just enjoy the present with everyone and I just- I just can't!" Kevin yells as throws his hands up, before letting them drop to his sides in frustration.

"I just-" Kevin pauses, sighing before finishing his thought. "I'm just so tired..."

Kevin stares out into the lake, watching as a group of three ducks land on the water and begin to swim around.

A hand gently appears on his shoulder. Gently squeezing it as he looks up towards the kind face the hand belongs to.

"Sweetheart... It's completely normal for you to still be affected by your trauma. Heck, I still have moments where I'm reminded of mine and I just completely freeze because of it... Trauma doesn't just disappear overnight, despite how much we all wish that was the case."

Janet slowly wrapped Kevin into a hug as she continued.

"But the fact that you want to do something about it is good!" Janet began to gently sway side to side to help calm her son. "If there's anything I can do to help you with that, just let me know and I'll figure something out for you." Janet stepped back, keeping her hands on Kevin's shoulders.

"Is there anything you want to do about your frustration right now?"

Kevin was silent for a few moments.

"... I wanna scream..."

Janet nodded and took a couple steps away from Kevin. "Alright then, let's just-"

Janet didn't even finish her sentence before being caught off guard as Kevin let out the most blood curdling, soul ripping, rage filled scream she had ever heard in her life. Putting all her previous rage induced screams to shame.

Kevin's face had exaggerated to extreme levels as his red teeth exposed themselves and his angered expression morphed into a more monstrous version of itself as he screamed, small spikes forming on different areas of his body.

The three ducks that were on the lake flying off at the sudden loud noise.

The scream lasted for almost 30 seconds before Kevin stopped, his form reverting back to normal before he began to breathe heavily as he tried to catch his breath.

Janet stared at him for a bit before composing herself and releasing the tension in her body.

"... Ya feeling better sugar?" Janet asked.

"...Y-Yeah... A little bit." Kevin stuttered out, voice cracking a bit.

"...You want another hug?"

"...... Yeah..."

Janet took a step towards Kevin, wrapping him in another hug. Making this one a bit tighter than the previous one. Once again swaying side to side as the quiet sniffles and hiccups of her boy crying could be heard.

Looks like Kevin needed that more than he thought.

....

Two hours later after they finished their picnic, they drove back home and Kevin apologized to the other toys for his outburst. Eventually reforming back into Doey by the end of the night.

And now, whenever Kevin's anger begins to become too much, he simply goes to his mother and she then brings him to their favorite spot at the lake where they skip stones and yell into the sky together.

[toxycodone]

GOD modern Laios would make such a good little trophy/house husband 🥺 he LOVES cooking dinner for you when you come home after a long day of being the breadwinner. you get to spoil and dote on him and he gets to spend all day doing nerd shit and taking care of the house (he LOVES cooking you dinner and seeing the look of relief on your face coming home to a clean house & warm meal after a long day)

on your anniversary you come home and he's cooked a fucking 5 star meal- like the kinda shit you only get at some fancy ass overpriced restaurant . After dinner you suprise him with a huge intricate Lego set you know he's been wanting but wouldn't ask for because it's soooo expensive & he nearly cries.

He spends like 2 hours going down on you out of pure joy alone before letting you tie him to the bed and ride him until he DOES cry- whimpering "thank you" and "I love you"'s over and over before you've even let him cum. tears falling down his flushed cheeks and eyes rolling back in his head as he writhes against the restraints, so desperate and grateful for whatever you give him. such a good boy, your perfect little house husband 😌

GOOOOOOD YES

okay. Since we got minimum wage retail Laios confirmed by Kui. House husband Laios is so fucking real.

Laios who’s a total part timer since meeting you, he works for pocket change and like. Bare minimum benefits just to keep things comfy for the two of you while he basically puts everything in savings. (Until like one day he just quits tbh when yall are really settled in)

But like in my mind he works under the table at Senshi’s restaurant for cash + to learn about cooking! They go on fishing/hunting/hiking trips together and go to the farmers market to get fresh produce and Senshi teaches Laios everything he knows.

He cleans up your apartment every day. Like, he’s not the best or a maid or anything. He’s just a dude. But he does recognize that he’s immensely privileged and does his best to show you hey. He does care. And he wants you to not have to bust your ass after coming from a full time shift. He does basic things like dishes and stuff and on the weekends you guys maybe spend an hour or two maximum cleaning on the weekends together

LAIOS. PACKS YOUR LUNCH. He love love LOVES doing this and he has little sandwich shapers to make them into little dinosaurs or dolphins or something. And he does bentos with cute little pins and molds and he lovingly spends time on this. I think he genuinely enjoys doing this stuff and testing out new recipes.

And cooking in general!! Like that is how Laios shows he loves you forreal. He genuinely pays attention to your tastes and tries to “gourmet” your favorite foods. (I’ve been rereading the manga and when Marcille’s upset he offers to try his best to make whatever she wants to eat out of monsters and it’s so cute…). Like you want grilled cheese? How about grilled Brie on fresh made bread? Bagels? Oh yeah he tried a new recipe at Senshi’s at 4 am, here’s fresh out of the oven pastries. It’s so cute.

I think. He loves like those random ass kitchen gadgets too. He 100% has an ice cream maker and he makes custom flavors for you.

And he just loves watching you eat. It’s such an expression of love. He works so damn hard to make you smile and make you happy. And his food never sucks because 1. Senshi teaches him everything 2. He ALWAYS tests recipes before going way too hard with them. Like he pays attention to your palette so if he made something gross or something just. Not to your tastes you’d let him know in the trial stage.

And GOD. Laios is just a fucking sex toy I swear. He’s genuinely like. A subby service top. He wants you to absolutely use him however you want but he likes to be the one that’s doing most of the work because he likes to spoil you with his body…(also he cums super easily in my hc so if he tops he’s able to like. Pull out and give you head or switch positions when he’s getting too close)

But when you spoil him and ride him…tell him how handsome he is and how much you love him. yeah he’s crying and whimpering about how much he loves you and how you’re just so fucking perfect. It makes your head spin because Laios genuinely makes you feel like you’re the only person on earth for him.

[avatarofthearchives]

My Ranking On: How Good The Magnus Archive Character's Are At Cooking

Gerard - Gerry has no idea what to do in front of a stove. No one has ever taught him to cook, and he doesn't care enough to learn. He lives off microwavable mac and cheese cups and cheap fast food, which is just fine by him regardless of how concerned Gertrude is about his organs.

Daisy - Daisy could make...something with a stove. She just chooses not to because she doesn't like cooking when microwavable meals are right there. Because of how little she cooks her skills are...rusty to say the least. She can make a half-decent grilled cheese though.

Gertrude - Gertrude can and the very rare occasion does make small meals like scrambled eggs. However, much like Gerard and Daisy, she prefers fast food and easy to make meals. In theory she could make a decent large meal if she had a recipe and some spare time to make mistakes, but in practice she never cooks.

John - John can and does make small meals. He's never really liked cooking, but he does sometimes make a small plate of stir-fry or something. All things considered, his food's pretty decent. It's just not great because he rushes through the cooking process to get back to whatever he was doing. But, I mean, it's edible.

Melanie - Melanie is a big "make a sandwich or throw some pasta on the stove and call it night" type of girl. She could make a good meal if she had a recipe, but cooking's never really been her thing enough for her to put a ton of effort into the craft. However, if Georgie asked her to make her something you can bet that she could make a five star meal.

Basira - Basira cooks most nights and her food is consistently good. Daisy is over at her house a lot in the evenings hoping to get a meal and eat together.

Martin - Martin cooks almost every night. It's one of his hobbies and he knows well what type of foods pair best with what after his research into what foods pair best with tea spiraled a bit. He can make a REALLY good comfort dish.

Elias - Elias cooks most night, and with all his years of being alive, that means he's a pretty skilled in the art of making food. He either makes a full five star meal with an appetizer, a main course, and a dessert, or microwaves ramen noodles. There's no middle ground.

Peter - Cooking is one of those hobbies that is significantly more enjoyable in solitude, so of course he loves it. He cooks multiple times nearly every day as it's something for him to do that doesn't involve other people. No one will ever taste his food, but man is it good.

Sasha - Sasha is a fantastic cook. She's the CEO of finding a recipe online and then making it his own. She's literally never made a bad dish in her entire life and she does brag to John about her ability not to burn things.

Tim - Tim is great at cooking on an instinctual level. He doesn't even need to have a recipe to make a five star meal that will change the trajectory of his friends taste buds forever. It's a gift...and a curse given how much the people around him hope he'll bring food to every gathering.

[joelsfavouritegirl]

domestic young!joel headcanons (i wanna be his housewife)

. for joel, if the domesticity isn’t there, he might not wanna be in the relationship and i’m not kidding

. why do i think that? for one, he’s definitely the type of guy to have grown up in your average family-type-shit household; dad wakes the kids up, mom makes breakfast, everyone sits together at the table and eats and chats. i like imagining that joel and tommy actually have a really good relationship with their parents (fully functional family, wow). the second reason is because i think joel just wants to be with someone. i don’t mean be in the dating sense, but just coexist with someone. somewhere where he’s able to say ‘yeah, that’s my girl, and i go home to her every day/night, and we live/cook/clean together. i do shit around the house, she does shit around the house, and we’re damn happy the way it is’.

. so here’s the shit i think joel would adore doing with you (or js watching you do them, or doing them for you)<3

. cooking (i have to get this one out of the way first bc you alr know what i’m boutta say); this man can. not. cook. no matter how capable he is in other fields, cooking is NOT one of them. he’ll try his very best, and he’ll prepare something if you’re too busy to do it, but you shouldn’t expect to be eating a fully edible meal once he’s done. baby boy will burn/spill anything you give him, and he feels bad every time. so, in order to prevent getting poisoned or having to clean up a huge mess every time, he’ll usually leave the cooking to you (or you’ll just order takeout, depends on the day)

. he does however love watching you cook. type of man to lean against the counter, arms crossed as he just watches his girl focus. whether you’re making something complicated from scratch or a simple grilled cheese sandwich, he’s thanking you for it and kissing you on the cheek, offering to clean up the dishes later on so you don’t have to do it

. the only way he’ll (somewhat) succesfully make something is if he’s doing it with you. baking is probably the thing you’ll do most together; pancakes, muffins, brownies whatever it is, he won’t mind making it with you. sure, he’ll be more of a distraction than help but if that’s not the greenest flag i’ve ever seen then idk what is

. another chore i think he’d love is changing the bed. idk why, it’s a very simple and small thing, but he knows how to make it fun. he gets a kick out of it when he sees you struggling to put the sheets on the mattress, cursing and grumbling to yourself. he’ll tease you, poke and prod at your side before pulling the thing down, then smothering you with kisses (which will probably lead to other things, and sometimes you need to switch the brand new sheets with other ones because this man is messy during sex and we love that here)

. another thing he loves? doing the laundry. why? because it’s easy to bend you over (just being honest)

. apart from cooking, i think he knows his way around the work around the house. his mama was a stubborn woman, and she’d be damned if she didn’t teach her boys how to take care of their own homes (which she (relatively) succeeded in doing)

. after you guys move in together (or you just start spending more time at each others places) he starts liking chores a lot more because he gets to do them with you<3

disappeared for 3 months and i’m sawry🫠 classes have been kicking my ass and i’m trying to get my shit together b4 i christmas hits. woke up and decided to write smth cuz i haven’t posted in a while, i apologise for the quality not being fantastic<33

[harlowtales]

Jack and Y/N stir up the toxic 😤 ☣️ ❤️

18 PLUS ONLY - Adult Themes

There was one night Jack came in high and had been drinking which he doesn’t usually do. He crept into your room where you stayed in his condo to cater to his every need as his assistant. He crashed beside you as you lay there frozen. Trying to move him was like trying to move a brick.

Had he wandered into your room thinking it was his? Did he think you were his latest fling that would stay over some nights? Those nights that were so awkward when one of Jack’s flavours of the month would stay over and in the morning you would find some confused girl in the fridge rummaging around for a snack in his Tshirt and boy underwear.

Jack would always shoot you a look as whoever it was this time blew him a kiss goodbye trying desperately to stay. You didn’t seem to care at all. In fact you thought these girls were stupid and wanted no part of Jack’s world as “Harleezy”.

You had gotten to know Jackman Thomas Harlow and Jackman is who you were trying to hide that you adored, possibly had even fallen for…as far as that was possible for you. You were pretty but didn’t really understand that, and didn’t know how to “act sexy”, or any of that stuff, which drove Jack insane for you. He loved the awkwardness, the inability to take a compliment, the complete lack of awareness of how pretty you were, and lack of being able to bullshit him.

In fact, you were kind of grumpy which Jack found cute and would go out of his way to irritate you on purpose. You hadn’t intended your first assignment to be babysitting a grown man but this grown man desperately needed it. He was so kind and sweet it became a role you filled very well. At least looking after Jack had benefits. He was lighthearted and witty, and you needed that in your life.

You were a business grad and that was your mindset. Working for Jack was your first big break. It was Jackman who told you how he really struggled with fame and felt insecure while you two would chill some nights with pups and watch a movie. “Young Harleezy” was breaking hearts and gently kicking girls out in the morning.

However, you started seeing someone else in the business as you had no illusions of you and Jack ever being a thing. Plus dating someone so recognizable didn’t appeal to you. Unfortunately when Jack found out about your new man, he went on a bender at his favourite nightclub, the Hub.

He stumbled onto your bed and crashed, intending to tell you how he felt about you that night, but was too gone. In the morning you woke up to his arm and leg over you looking like an absolute angel with a mess of curls. He must never know how you felt about him. You worked for his label. As you were taking him all in trapped under his massive frame compared to yours, he opened his blue eyes, rubbed his freckled nose, smiled, and pulled you closer going back to sleep.

“J…Jack…JACKMAN it’s me Y/N get your giraffe self off me” you said trying to move just his arm was not working as he gripped you tighter. “Earth to Jackman I’m not Alisha…or “Delilah” who we all know her name is not fucking Delilah…or Jesse who has no makeup line coming out like how stupid does she think we are…or Joanne who like bitch I’m not your maid. Clean the crumbs off the counter when you make your post-dick sucking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!! Uughhh!”The desperation in your voice reached a strained pitch as you struggled underneath him. This was what Jack was waiting for. He knew you cared and responded half asleep as his perfect pout turned up slightly at the corner in delight.

“Listen Y/N” Jack said still groggy “I know whose bed I’m in just relax.” He nuzzled into you and was full on cuddling now. He proceeded to doze back off and talk in his sleep. You learned he couldn’t stop thinking about you, said you’re his girl no one else’s, he loves grilled cheese with the crusts cut off, and Phil owes him $20.00. You laid there under the weight of him and listened to him babble until eventually you detangled yourself from the labyrinth of arms and legs, and went to make his eggs like you do every morning.

When you entered the kitchen Ismail was there having already grabbed something to eat and was working on his laptop as the sun was just beaming through the large windows over the Ohio river you had a full view of.

“Oh hey” you greeted him off handedly

“Hey.” He said quietly. Ismail wasn’t a big talker which was perfect for you especially in the morning

“He alright?” He said motioning over to your room

“He’s fine just fucking irritating as usual. I think I have a crick in my neck. He sleeps like pups just takes over the bed. Thanks for feeding her.” You replied as you picked up pups and gave her a kiss

“No worries. Sorry he insisted he had to talk to you last night and tell you everything. I couldn’t stop him from going in there.” Ismail apologized “When are you leaving for the Caribbean? We’re all dreading it”

“I leave today…wait what? What do you mean tell me everything is he ok?” You asked Ismail. Jack is always talking shit so you took nothing he said seriously…even in his sleep.

“Nothing.” Ismail said looking like he let something slip. “I’m taking over for you. Jack said he’s not letting some snotty nosed kid from Atlantic make his eggs for 2 weeks so show me how to make the Y/N special.”

You were getting the pan out and everything you needed as Jack never slept in even the odd time he got into some “substances” the night before. You started boiling the kettle for his tea and took the eggs out and a bowl. “Well first of all he only likes them scrambled but I’ve moved him over from hard to soft and some salt and pepper. I also pan fry his toast in THIS PAN. He says he can taste the difference when it’s done in any other pan. Got it? This pan for the eggs, this pan for the toast.”

Ismail gained a new appreciation for you 1min into these instructions. “I ain’t doing all this he gets what he gets.” Ismail vowed. What did he sign up for? Was his boy really like this? “No wonder he loves you so much.” He said and immediately clamped his mouth shut, but you were busy cracking and whipping up everything so you didn’t notice.

You placed Jack’s plate of eggs and pan fried toast on the table with a peeled and fanned out orange on the side with his favourite “Throat Coat” tea. Ismail watched in admiration knowing he wasn’t going to be able to top this.

“Ok Ismail since this is your crash course in all things Jackman let’s go wake him up.” You said preparing Ismail for what it’s like to get his friend out of bed. You were armed with pups which was your secret weapon.

You unleashed puppers onto the bed and Jack was attacked with licking, whining, and barking. Still motionless and in a deep sleep you took a pillow and hit him repeatedly in the head. “Jack!! JACKMAN!!” You yelled “Eggs!!” He came too with a gentle smile.

“Hey beautiful thanks my eggs are ready?” He said looking absolutely adorable with bed head and disheveled clothes from the club.

“Go take a quick shower first. Here’s some water and pop a couple vitamin C to sober up ok? I leave today and I need to make sure you’re ok before I go. You have a conference call with management and Ismail is here. I prepared your notes for your phone interview and the studio called. I booked you in all weekend. You have to finish those last 2 songs and make sure you sign that card for your cousins birthday, and I restocked the bathroom with that soap you like.”

As you gave Jack who was still waking up a run down of everything he needed to know in his life, Ismail was starting to understand why Jack felt such anxiety with you going away. “I’m exhausted already Y/N” Ismail said in awe of you “Jack buddy let’s go bud you got a headache?” He said helping his friend up.

“Yeah sort of.” Jack said feeling more depressed than anything “Y/N you’re meeting him in the islands aren’t you? This mr. record executive.”

You stopped. “Who told you that?” You asked stunned.

“I got my sources. You could’ve just told me… I mean it’s not like I give a fuck. I can have 2 and 3 girls over at a time while you’re gone and I don’t have to worry about whoever I have over crying that you don’t like them.” Jack said being as mean as possible. He had hoped something would’ve happened last night but he was too wasted.

“Jack fuck the whole neighborhood while I’m gone I don’t care.” You retorted annoyed as you busily went about preparing for your flight “Ismail have fun. I know I will.” You smirked which drove Jack nuts.

“Have fun blowing the boss’s son who cares!” He yelled back downstairs as he went up to shower

“Your eggs are cold now.” Is all you said calmly

“Bro. Is he…do y’all always…what in the actual fuck did I just witness? Y’all need to fuck and get it over with.” Ismail marvelled shaking his head.

“Oh trust me, that was nothing.” You said rolling your eyes “now watch when he comes back down.” You predicted in a hushed whisper.

Jack came back down his curls still wet and sat at the table with a sigh for attention while you tidied up the kitchen. “Pookie.” Jack called to you as you had your back turned washing up. “Pook! Yo, my food is cold, can you please warm it up for me?”

“Of course” you said taking his dish with a peck on his forehead to which he smiled and you put his plate in the microwave. “Look I leave in a few hours. Ismail is all set so if you need me don’t call me. I will have no access to email and spotty cell service.”

“Y/N?” Jack said in the most pathetic way “Don’t enjoy yourself too much you know what I mean? You got condoms right?” Jack asked as he sipped on his tea.

With that, watching the most toxic interaction he’d ever seen, Ismail walked away and left the room, he’d had enough.

“I bought a fresh box thank you dad.” You lied stealing a piece of his bacon before handing back his warmed up plate.

“A BOX??” Jack fumed “You know what? I lost my fucking appetite” he said shoving the plate away and folding his arms.

“You know what makes me lose my appetite? All your little hoes losing their underwear in your mattress. Like I’m so glad I don’t have to clean your cum splattered room. They’re so dumb and skanky and gross” You shot back pretending to gag.

“When do you fucking leave?” Jack seethed.

“Not soon enough!” You yelled stomping to your room. He was knocking on your door in 2 seconds.

Ismail was desperately trying to get Jack’s attention to cue up for his interview and conference call.

“Fuck off!” You said through the door as you decided to call your uber and leave early. This was why you were leaving in the first place. Most of the time the toxic banter was all in fun, but sometimes it got ugly.

“Open the door Pookie.” Jack insisted sounding nicer “Can I help you with anything before you go?” Which was his way of getting you to open the door. He didn’t want you going away mad and using your whole box of condoms to spite him.

“You want to help me? Take your meds.” You said still pissed as you opened the door to find him eating the breakfast he said he didn’t want and just standing there. “Why are you so clinically insane?” You asked him while gathering your things to head out early.

“I’m sorry I’m way off lately. I love you, you know that.” He said as he often did. What you didn’t know is that it was true.

“I called my Uber I’m out of here, remember interview and all that other shit. Hopefully when I come back you can treat me like a fucking human.” You said on the edge of tears which wasn’t normal for you.

“Please don’t sleep with him. I couldn’t…I wanted to tell you last night…I” Jack stammered and sat on your bed looking paler than usual

“Jack talk to me.” You said concerned as you sat next to him. “You can talk to me you know that right?”

“Y/N please. I need you to not sleep with this guy.” Jack begged.

“Jack I’m seeing him. I can’t just refuse to sleep with him. We’re getting closer and this will be our first time. He wanted it to be special.” You said dreamily. Jack couldn’t take it he abruptly stood up and started pacing.

“What if I fire you if you go.” He said

You shot up walking over to him to stop him pacing and talking crazy. “Why would you do such a thing?”

“Because…I can’t…ah fuck” Jack pinned you to the wall. He pressed into you and passionately kissed you as his hands began moving all over your body. You felt him rising quickly and panted “Jack no…please”. He pulled his sweatpants down and lifted up your shirt getting one breasts free sucking and biting your nipple roughly “Jack I can’t do this!” You breathlessly exclaimed. He turned you around and felt between your legs to tease your space.

“Then why are you so wet?” He demanded as he backed you up to your bed and pushed you onto it taking his shirt off as he stood between your legs. He kneeled down just admiring your glistening pussy and started licking all the way up your inner thigh, penetrating your dewey core with his hot tongue and suctioning your clit with his juicy lips. You gripped his damp curls with agony. Was this actually happening and why was this happening?

He forcefully had your hips in his grasp as you straddled your shaking thighs around his head. Once he came back up he stood up rock hard in front of you wiping his mouth with a mischievous grin motioning for you to pleasure him. This had gone too far now. The Uber was on the way, Ismail was in the living room, and Jack had things to do.

You took him into your whole mouth pulling the shaft slowly out of your wet mouth with a rotating suck at the tip. He lost his mind rolling his head back moaning and shoving your head down. You gagged a bit but spit on his now purple throbbing cock and pumped him vigorously matching his intense energy.

You both had so much pent up energy and anger that you needed each other so much. He pushed you back and entered you slowly as you winced from his size. This is not how you imagined your first time with him as you had done many nights falling asleep knowing he had brought someone home that you would see in the morning in the kitchen.

“How you give such good head and so…uughhh so tight and wet.” He said out of breath inside you rocking in between your thighs finding his perfect spot before he pummelled you into the mattress. He couldn’t believe how good you were. Had he known he would have done this a long time ago. “Your my girl understand?” Echoing what he had said in his sleep. His tender kiss on your forehead as he went deeper stretching you had you looking into his eyes in disbelief of the painful pleasure. “I’m not nice Y/N. not when the pussy is this good and belongs to me.”

He shifted all his weight onto you making you cry out “Jack I can’t…you’re too big…I…oh god.”

He covered your mouth muffling your pleas for him to stop when he knew you didn’t want him to. He didn’t want Ismail to hear you scream. “Shhhhh” he said in your ear overpowering you in missionary position. “Relax ok? Am I hurting you? Tell me yes.”

He let you speak moving his hand away. “Yes… fuck…PLEASE Jack.! I wont be rude anymore I swear.” The ecstasy you felt was uncontainable.

He smiled and covered your mouth again driving hard and fast and was not satisfied until he felt a tear drip down your face onto his firm hand. It was too much, too much he had held in for too long. He aggressively drove hard until he exploded onto your stomach as he quickly pulled out.

It was more than he had dreamed every night he was with someone else. “Fuck you’re so good” He said dipping his throbbing tip into his warm cum on your stomach smearing it all over before lying back pulling you to snuggle up to his chest. You were both a mess. One of your breasts was out of your bra, and your underwear still around one ankle. It all happened so fast.

Just then the Uber called and Ismail knocked on the door. “Jack buddy your interview and Y/N’s Uber is here.” Ismail called out to you and Jack heaving and sweating, you with his cum still all over your stomach.

“One sec bro.” Jack called out to Ismail and frantically turned to you “Don’t get on that fucking plane.” He demanded both if you still reeling from your rough romp.

“Jack I…” you started to say but he kept you from answering your phone. The Uber was calling you.

“Miss Y/N no longer needs your services. We’ll pay you full fare. Sorry bro.” He said still a bit out of breath as he hung up and tossed your phone on the floor.

“Uughhh!! I hate you!” You said exasperated

“I know baby. I hate you too, and by the way, you’re fired.” He said.

@itsyagirljaz @jackharlow502

[lets-try-some-writing]

Random question, but how good do you think the ‘Bots and ‘Cons would be at cooking? Does the Matrix happen to have any tips or knowledge of the culinary arts? Would the kids be of any assistance to the ‘Bots, or would they also fail at cooking? For some reason I think Miko would be really bad at making anything with more than 5 steps but make a really good grilled cheese sandwich. You think they would fare any better at baking?

Heck yeah this is funny.

━━━━━━ ⊙ ❖ ⊙ ━━━━━━━━━━━━ ⊙ ❖ ⊙

Cooking on Earth

As a general rule, cooking is not really a thing on Cybertron, at least not as it is on Earth. The process of creating energon based fuels and treats is more of a purification than any real chemical bonding or serious alteration as commonly seen in human culinary works. As such, when the team brought the children under their care and were then hit with the realization that they needed to fuel their small wards, issues arose immediately.

Arcee could hardly process normal energon, much less cook anything to save her life. The only human food she is capable of putting together is boxed macaroni and cheese. Even then, it still isn't all that good. She either adds too much butter or none at all. Her milk additions make dish look more like cereal than anything else and quite frankly she somehow manages to burn the noodles despite that fact that it should be nearly impossible. The children don't like her attempts at cooking, but if pressed, they will consume her noodle dish. She has attempted baking but has only succeeded in burning the wall in an attempt to quote "make sure the cake was fully baked".

She is not allowed in the kitchen alone. Ever.

Bulkhead has been met with limited success in all things gelatin. He can't make much else unless he is putting sauce on pre-ordered food, but gelatin he can do. On Cybertron he was known amongst the Wreckers for his banger jellied energon, even earning minor praise from Ultra Magnus. Thankfully for everyone, the same general concept applies to human jellied treats, and so Bulkhead is able to make gelatin without killing anyone. Of course his flavor profiles are rather... off. He has no clue what actually is constituted as good food for including in gelatin, but he tries his best.

Smokescreen and Bumblebee can make a mean grilled cheese, but only if they are working together. One must have their optics on the food while the other plays music in the background while grating cheese. If either of them get distracted or only one is present, the results are wild and worthy of a fire extinguisher. Bee has attempted soup before, and surprisingly, once in a blue moon he can make a really good potato soup. It is close enough to preparing energon rations that he can manage it occasionally. Smokescreen though? He has been given a lifetime ban from the stove. He somehow manages to make a really good salad despite that. It is largely just him throwing random green things in the fridge into a bowl, but it works generally.

Ratchet does not cook. Optimus has forbidden him to cook despite the Doctor wishing to figure out the strange science. The only time he tried cooking, he made actual poison and almost fed it to the kids thinking it was a nutrient dense supplement. Since then he has been confined to the realms of baking, which thankfully, is not too foreign since he can and has made spectacular energon goodies in the past. He knows how to work heat related tools well enough to make really good cupcakes. He can't do frosting though. Its always chunky or pure liquid sugar. Miko still eats them, even if they are a little burned sometimes.

Ultra Magnus can cook, on both Cybertron AND Earth. He just refuses to do so. Period.

Optimus for his part, despite his knowledge, can cook in theory. He knows how it should work, and so largely depending on the resources given to him and his level of focus, he can make a mean dish on Cybertron and Earth. His specialty on both worlds is a variant of shepherds pie, something he lived and vented back on Cybertron due to how cheap it was at the local restaurant. Of course the names of the dishes and the ingredients differ, but the concept remains the same. And so as long as the dish requires no decorum, Optimus can make it fairly well. However if asked to bake, the Prime physically cannot. The singular time he made the attempt, he came away covered in soot and with a lifetime ban from the baking items.

When it comes to the Decepticons, Megatron does not cook, period. On Cybertron he was a fantastic brewer of high grade, but that skill does not translate over well. On the Nemesis, he has a small personal brewing station where he will occasionally whip something up for himself. But that is a rare treat. He has taken the time to study human brewing methods though, largely out of a desire to mock their efforts. This of course led to some experimentation on his end, which in turn resulted in better high grade than what he was capable of producing before. He will never admit where the jump in skill came from.

Knockout and Breakdown love to make cake specifically. They can't even eat the stuff, but they like seeing how big and how grand they can make it. Hours are spent dutifully baking cakes to perfection, molding them, and then decorating them. Usually its done after Cybertronian sites, but off an on they will make human tourist locations out of cake. Breakdown also experiments with chocolate and has become relatively good at making realistic chocolate molds. These, along with Knockout's cakes, he takes to different places around the globe to donate. He may not be fond of humans, but waste is not acceptable.

Starscream is by far the best chef out of all present Cybertronians, and that is only because he fragging hates that Gordan Ramsey is better than he is at it. Starscream has devoted a ridiculous amount of time to cooking JUST so that he can curse right back at the human chef and prove himself superior. No, he does not know where it stemmed from. No, he cannot even eat what he makes. But frag it all he will get that beef wellington right or he will die trying. However against all expectation considering his considerable cooking ability on Earth, he can't cook on Cybertron to save his life. He never needed to, so he never learned.

Shockwave doesn't cook. He makes purified energon and that is all. He doesn't even bother learning anything else. Why would he? Its not like he can taste or appreciate anything complicated. Arachnid does not cook either, and that is largely because she sees it as beneath her. Soundwave is in a similar boat and does not bother... unless it comes to making cat treats. Those he will go through the pain of working with tiny human tools to manage in order to lure in the furry creatures.

Dreadwing can only make noodles. And only from the box. He has no explanation.

[grayskies2525]

Inevitable (male sneezing, contagion) | Part 3/4

Here we continue to follow Evan through the worst cold of his life. There will be one more part after this!

Part one Part two

Another obvious CW for mess!

Word count: 2,200

*** 

Part 3

Bed.

A single monosyllabic word that currently means everything to Evan. The mere thought of having a bed to come home to after his shift is the only thing keeping him going. 

He stands now with his gaze unfocused off in the distance as he tries to even out his breaths. He’s been at the front registers for an hour and he’d estimate he’s sneezed twenty times at least. He’s had the good sense to keep tissues on his person at all times. There’s one tissue that’s been living out its life in Evan’s left hand for a good while now. Evan has deemed this his “wiping” tissue, using it for a quick swipe, or sometimes to clasp it desperately against his nose in efforts not to send a deluge of fluid onto the items he scans. He refuses to blow into this tissue. No, that’s a job for the fresh tissues — the tissues he allows himself to pluck from the box he keeps next to him. These are the tissues he quickly disposes into the  — now close to overflowing — wastebasket.  

Then there’s the tissues he sneezes into. He keeps these in the pocket on the right side of the jacket he’d slipped on earlier when he’d started feeling chilly. He figures it’d be a waste to throw these tissues away if they’re only coated in a light mist. There’s, of course, been many tissues that haven’t survived some of Evans more… forceful sneezes. The tissues with holes or an abundance of thick stickiness were fated for the wastebasket that has now, effectively, become a tissue cemetery. 

God, he just wants to go to bed. And maybe have a bowl of hot soup — tomato soup with Goldfish crackers, and possibly a grilled cheese sandwich to go along with it. But, then, he’d have to make the soup and sandwich and in his current state, he’d rather die of starvation than put in that effort. Maybe Marcus will take pity on him and make it. It doesn’t even need to be homemade. Surely they have a can of Campbell’s somewhere in the cabinet. 

“EDT’shuuuuHHH!”

Evan feels proud the sneeze, while coming on too quickly for him to cover, is only a fine spray. Sure, it does absolutely drench the store’s phone, but in comparison to what was happening to Evan earlier, this is practically nothing. His constant tissue use has kept away the more viscous type of mucus from shooting out of him. He spares a moment to contemplate how he’s reached the point where he considers sneezing all over a phone to be a success just because it wasn’t accompanied by strings of snot.

Kate, one of the associates working the registers today, sighs as she sees him trying to wipe off the phone with a tissue. “I’d tell you to go home, but I know you can’t. But, listen, you’re going to start a literal outbreak at this rate. Like, I’d be surprised if everyone in town doesn’t come down with this thing in a few days time. So, would you consider wearing a mask? There’s a box in the break room.”

Evan stares at her. Yes, wearing a mask would prevent spreading the virus, but that would only work if he could keep the thing on.

“Uh, I don’t really know if that’s feasible, Kate,” he says, wiping his nose with the tissue he has on hand, as if to illustrate his point.

Kate stares at him, her mouth in a thin line. “Well, you should try. It’ll at least give the impression that you’re attempting not to spread your cold to all our customers.”

Evan sighs heavily before turning and heading off to the break room.

* * *

The problem with masks is that their main purpose is to prevent droplets dispersing when people speak, cough, or — of course — breathe. Evan imagines they could be good at preventing sneeze spray from entering the air, providing the sneezes are the light and misty type. Otherwise, after a few sneezes, a person is going to have to dispose of the mask and get a new one— which would be fine if the person only sneezed here and there.

Evan is not sneezing here and there.

“AHD’tshhhUUUHHHH! ADT’SHHHHH! HEhhh HH HEH EH-TSsSHHHH!”

He notices the warmth first, then the wetness. 

It clings to his face, which forces him into having to smell the strong scent of his own saliva and mucus, both of which are teeming with viruses. He needs the mask off now.

But there’s a customer literally speaking to him. A fact he nearly forgot.

“... And I’m just saying if you don’t want customers to think something is on sale, then you shouldn’t have an ‘on sale’ sign so close to the item.”

Evan snorts thickly and holds up a finger in the universal sign for “wait a minute” as he turns around to pull off his mask. It stubbornly clings to his face, as if glued to it, but he manages to pull it off, though he does have to hold back a gag at the sight he’s met with. He pulls a bunch of tissues out of his pocket — the ones previously reserved for sneezing — and wipes up the mess before turning back around.

He plasters on a smile for the customer. “Yes, I agree that sometimes our signs can create confusion if they’re not properly switched out, or if they are too close to another product. So, refresh my memory — you’re saying you thought this 10 quart air fryer was on sale for… for 15 dollars?” he asks, frowning, trying to actually process the words the woman’s been saying.

“Yes. But that lady over there —” she says pointing to Kate who’s working one of the other POS stations. “Told me the sale was actually for mixing bowls. But if the sale’s for mixing bowls, then the sign should have been closer to the mixing bowls and not the airfryers.”

Evan stares. Something about the woman — perhaps her tone of voice, or her pursed lips and self-righteous looking expression — gives Evan the idea that she knows exactly what she’s doing. There’s no way she thought a three hundred dollar airfryer would be on sale for fifteen dollars. He wouldn’t be surprised if she’s the one who moved the sign next to the airfryers. People like this annoy more than someone who outright steals.

“Right. I understand what you’re saying, but — EDT’SHHuuuuHHHH!” 

He managed to aim the sneeze downward at the counter. He watches the droplets settle on a notepad in spots — some large, some small —  all over the top page. He frowns, then looks up.

The woman’s face is contorted into a scowl. “If you’re sick, you should stay home.”

“I — ADt’SHhhhhhhhh! AD’TSHHHHHH!”

Evan can’t even feel ashamed this time of sneezing on someone. She shouldn’t have been so close, and more importantly, so damn annoying. Though, as he stares at her face covered in the glistening evidence of his cold, he does begin to feel a miniscule amount of shame.

“Uhmb, liste’d, I amb so sorry.” He snorts, trying to lessen the congestion he hears in his voice. “Hodestly, I’ve got a killer cold righdt dow ad I —”

“You realize this is unacceptable, right?” the woman says, her tone drenched with bitterness. “You have no business being here getting customers sick. I will be complaining. Give me the name of your manager,” she demands.

He blinks. “Uhb, so the madadger today is actually mbe, so ubm… cobplaidt doted I guess?” he says, giving a heavy snort, exhaustion tugging at every inch of his body.

The lady glares. “I can’t even understand what you’re saying. I’ll be filling out a survey later. I’ve been a regular customer here for years and I hate to say it, but I don’t think I can ever come back.”

Alarm bells flash through his mind as he remembers his training videos. But then the tickle from hell takes sudden residence in his sinuses and he snaps forward. 

“AHHgt’shuuuuuhhhh! AHHHHGG’tSHHUUUHHHhhhh!”

This time there are strings. And they hang down in thick, unbreaking strands. Instinctively, he brings up his bare hand to collect the mess. He stares at the woman, helpless to do anything but stand there with a hand covering his face. The woman’s mouth is curled in disgust, and she gives a quick shake of her head before turning to exit the store. 

Well, that’s the third customer he’s scared away today with his sneezing. Although, the second could hardly count as a “customer” he supposes.

* * *

“Trevor, please," Evan begs as he sits at the break room table, feeling thankful to be alone in the room. "I will take your closidg shifts dext week if you just cobe id today. I hodestly dod’t thidk I cad make it through four bore hours of — of this ihh’shhHHOOO! SHOOO! SHOOO! SHOOO! SHOO!” He takes a deep breath before immediately resuming the pattern. “ACK’SHOOOO! SHHOOO! SHOOOOO!”

Eight sneezes. 

Eight.

He’s dying. 

Each sneeze scraped against his throat and made his head throb. They also tore through the one tissue he’d brought up just in time. There’s a large hole in the middle and a slimy mess coating his hand. At this point, all he can do is sigh.

“Please, Trevor. I’ve dever beed this sigck befo — Eck’SHooOOOOO!”

More spray. More strings. More sighs.

“Jesus,” Trevor says, from the other end of the phone. “Fine, I get it. You’re sick. But, it’s just that, you know…I had plans… and, well, can’t you just call Bethany or something?”

“Already did. Bethady’s at the ebergedcy vet with her dog. You’re literally by odly hope. Please. I’b sdeezi’g all over custobers ad everythi’g, Trevor. Like, you have do idea. I just wadt to get sombe rest so I cad shake this thi’g ad — I — HEH!”

Evan sets the phone down on the table and pulls several tissues from the box on his lap, quickly burying his face into them.

“ECK’shhUUUUUuuuhhhhh! ECK’Shhhhhhhhhh! Heh hh hhh HHHH MPfff’tshhhuuuhhh! MPT’SHUUUHHHH!”

“Goddamn,” he hears Trevor say from his phone, but Evan’s too focused on trying to keep himself from literally drowning. He blows and blows his nose, the sound gurgling. He feels slimy dampness run all down the side of his hand. Clearly he needed more tissues than he grabbed.

“Fine,” he hears Trevor say with a groan. “But we’re definitely trading shifts next week so I don’t have to close.”

Evan’s throat feels scratched all to hell from the sneezing. He clears his throat to alleviate the scratchiness only to find himself lost in a coughing fit. Like, the sneezing wasn’t enough.

“Evan? Did you hear me?”

“Yes, thagk you, Trevor. Ad I promidse I’ll take your evedi’g shifts dext week.”

* * *

“Dude, wake up. I drove forty minutes on my day off to come save your ass just so you can go home to sleep off your sniffles. So, go home.”

The voice is one Evan knows. In fact, he thinks he heard it not too long ago. But, going back to sleep sounds immensely more appealing than trying to figure out the owner of the mystery voice.

Someone’s shaking his shoulder. 

“Dude,” the voice says again, sounding irritated.

Evan’s the one who should feel irritated. He’s just trying to get some sleep and now someone’s shaking him and also he has to — 

“Hmmph’SHHHhhhhh! HEH’tshooooo!”

Evan, instinctively, sniffles. It turns out there’s a lot more than he’d realized to sniffle back up, so he finally raises his head a little from the table he'd apparently fallen asleep on.. He sees large globs of mucus across his arm.

Then he remembers. 

He slowly sits up and finds Trevor’s gaze on him. 

“Jesus, Evan. Clean yourself up.”

Evan wipes his nose with his arm, leaving another trail along his skin. 

God, he needs a shower. 

Trevor’s eyebrows go up and his eyes widen before he shakes his head as if in disbelief. Evan watches, mind still half-asleep, as Trevor dampens a paper towel at the sink in the tiny kitchen section of the break room.

Trevor jogs over to Evan and holds out the paper towel. “For your arm. Man, you are a wreck.”

“I dod’t feel very good,” Evan says, sniffling and looking at the paper towel, feeling dazed.

“No shit,” Trevor says before his expression softens. “Listen, clean yourself up and get home and rest. And don’t come back tomorrow. I’ll cover for you. Just take one of my shifts when you’re feeling better.” He looks back down at the paper towel in his hand. “And for the love of christ, please wipe off your nose. It's pouring like a faucet. I don't even know how that's possible with how stuffed up you sound.”

Trevor reaches the paper towel out again to Evan. Evan goes to take the towel, but since he seemingly no longer has any control whatsoever of his respiratory reflexes, he sneezes.

All over Trevor’s outstretched arm and into the air. Because of course he does. 

Evan takes the paper towel and for reasons he doesn’t understand, begins awkwardly wiping Trevor’s arm with it.

It’s hard not to when there’s little globs of mucus on Trevor’s skin. After this cold is over, Evan hopes to never have to see another “glob of mucus” again.

Trevor just stares down as if in horror, until he finally snaps. “Okay, that’s enough, Evan. I’ve got it. Get yourself cleaned up and for the sake of everyone, go home.”

“Sorry,” Evan mutters before going to do just that.

Part three

[anistarrose]

taz balance one-shot recs!

I've been meaning to make this post for a while now, so here we are! The majority of these are from the past three years or so, because I love a fandom classic as much as anyone, but I particularly want to shine a light on some gems from after the peak of traffic in the fandom tags! There are of course also exceptions that are older, though.

Also, April 19th-21st are Just Leave a Comment Fest, so please show these authors some love!! They're all so deserving!

a recipe for home by @journalofimprobablethings: Taako tries to cook for the first time since Glamour Springs. When things go awry, Lucretia is there to lend a hand.

Gen (Taako & Lucretia), 3.5k. Early B.O.B. era hurt/comfort centered around cooking, with a delicious dollop of sentimentality and dramatic irony on top.

Seven Times Magnus Burnsides Gave Someone A Hug + One Time He Received One by @barry-j-blupjeans: Magnus wasn't really any good at— at words. He was more of an action man. Or, y'know, a "I'll take this hit so you don't have to" man. Talking to someone about their feelings was all kinds of weird, so usually he just left the space for someone else to talk. And, well... Magnus wasn't good at words. But there's a few different ways to get his support across.

Mostly gen with some Magnulia, 8.6k. You've all heard of the classic 5 Plus 1, but obviously Magnus deserves a 7 Plus 1! I don't know how to describe it without spoilers other than being full of incredibly sweet, gentle takes on so many fraught or bittersweet moments. Super underrated, do give it a read.

Embrace the Dark by @ceilingfan5: Bookstore coworkers Kravitz and Taako get more than they bargained for when Taako tries to use his powers to fix Kravitz's migraine. But it's okay--it's an excuse for them to spend time together until one of them can nut up and ask the other out.

Taakitz, 8.9k. Modern with Superpowers AU! Super sweet interactions between Kravitz and Taako, paired with lots of fun background worldbuilding. And, of course, a very special grilled cheese sandwich.

Break This Heavy Chain by Punka_Writes: In the immediate aftermath of Story and Song, Barry Bluejeans could really use a hug.

Blupjeans and misc. platonic interactions, 2.3k. The absolute epitome of comfort food in written form, with excellent Barry characterization (and of course, he does get that hug)!

birds of a feather steal sweaters together by @holdmecloser-gandydancer: When you're a big, burly guy it seems that your clothes just become free reign for all your friends. Normally Magnus is a reasonable guy, but everyone has their limits.

Gen (IPRE crew), 1.9k. Starblaster era fluff! Everyone is written absolutely delightfully, and every time I read it I snort out loud at least twice.

Security by @ceilingfan5: Barry has finally made it--his incredible scientific discovery has landed him a huge fortune...and a lot of problems. The only good thing that's come of it, honestly, has been his bodyguard, Lup. (And the science. That's good also.) He's just gotta stay normal about how nice it is to have someone like Lup around, and also not perish by way of press circuit, and everything will be fine.

Blupjeans, 6k. Modern with magic AU from Barry's POV, featuring equal parts anxiety and pining. Also, it's straight-up extremely funny.

Lonesome Dreams by @jerreeeeeee: Taako wakes up one morning from a nightmare, fast fading. There was a guy in glasses, and they were… somewhere high up? Something terrible happened, but he doesn’t remember. He wakes up in a wagon he’s never seen before, but it has his name on it. There’s tons of food inside, more than he’d be able to afford. And he’s alone. Thinking back to the last thing he remembers is difficult. College? No, he’d graduated. Top of his class, obviously, he remembers that. But what- what happened after? Where is Lup?

Gen (Taako & Lup), 10.2k. Everything starts out the same, except Taako remembers Lup, even if not how she went missing, and it's incredibly underrated and full of phenomenal characterization. I won't spoil how things shake out, but it's a great emotional ride and I genuinely reread it all the time.

it's my party and I'll mope if I want to by @holdmecloser-gandydancer: Taako's birthday is just another Thursday. A detective and an old friend have a different idea.

Gen (Taako & Lucretia & Angus), 2.1k. Short and so sweet! Fics about voidfished!Taako's birthday never get old, and this is one of my absolute favorites. Nailing the angst-to-wholesome ratio.

Tedious Familiarity by @barry-j-blupjeans: Déjà vu. Noun. A feeling of having already experienced the present situation. A tedious familiarity. Barry Bluejeans woke up in a cave, fresh out of a pod filled with green goop, and saddled with an unsettling feeling that he had been here before. If you had asked forty-year-old Barry if he would follow instructions left by a talking coin, he probably would have asked you what type of drugs you were on. But, y’know, fifty… two? Fifty-one? How old was he? Fifty-two sounded right. But, y’know, fifty-two years old Barry didn’t really have that many other places to turn, so this couldn't be all that bad.

Gen, 4.1k. Missing scenes based off Barry's decade alone, written in such an effective style, where all the little details truly make it. Mandatory reading for fellow Barry angst enjoyers.

Angus McDonald and the Wonderland Escape Rooms by coppersunshine: When Angus gets grounded from detecting, to keep his skills sharp he becomes a patron of the Wonderland Escape rooms, run by Edward and Lydia, who quickly decide he's their new nemesis. To their surprise, Angus and the collection of weird adults he's accompanied by decide otherwise.

Gen (Angus & Edward & Lydia), 7k. Modern with magic AU, putting Edward and Lydia in the absolute funniest possible job, at which a little boy detective torments... and maybe, even gives them a chance to turn over a new leaf. I am of the opinion that Angus and the Wonderland twins have a criminally underexplored dynamic, and this fic gave me everything I wanted.

If the Sun and Moon Should Doubt by Punka_Writes: Merle Highchurch, on the brink of a bad decision.

Gen, 1.6k. Merle character study immediately before running out on his marriage. Truly the incredible characterization that Merle deserves; this was a fic that really ignited my love for him.

Greensleeves by @sgrumby: Kravitz has never seen a lich like this before, and he's seen a lot of liches. Merle is just trying to save the universe, thanks very much.

Gen (Kravitz & Merle), 2.2k. A unique and also absolutely genius Lich!Merle AU where Kravitz inevitably comes after him, and Merle is... well, the Peacemaker, of course!

[unhingedangstaddict]

Because the weather is absolute garbage (well below freezing temperatures and snowing) and I'm feeling kinda unmotivated atm here's a small teaser for the next chapter of All Of You, All Of Me (Intertwined) - my bucktommy mpreg fic

The next morning Tommy walked to the coffee shop and arrived early, only to find Evan had also just arrived. “Hey.” He said as he approached Evan.

“Hey, why don’t I grab us drinks while you find us a table?” Evan suggested.

“Sure.” Tommy agreed.

“What do you want? Not that I forgot your usual order but you probably can’t have your usual because the caffeine…” Evan frowned. “Not that I’m trying to police what you eat or drink!” He added quickly.

Tommy had to chuckle a bit at how nervous Evan was. For a moment it could almost be Evan’s regular old nervous excitement and not the new much more complex nervousness that Tommy had instilled in Evan yesterday with just just five words. “You’re fine. Get me a decaf mocha with raspberry syrup-” Tommy could see Evan’s face twisting into one of confusion or perhaps disgust. “It’s what she wants. I’m not exactly a fan but it does taste good.” Tommy explained, gesturing vaguely at his stomach.

“Got it. Coming right up.” Evan nodded and went to order.

Tommy got them a table in a quiet corner of the coffee shop and waited patiently for Evan, who soon came over to the table with their drinks in hand.

“Have you uh, have you had a lot of cravings?” Evan asked as he set Tommy’s drink in front of him, then sat across from Tommy.

“Yeah. This drink is one of two consistent repeat offenders and there’s been lots of one time cravings for different things too.” Tommy nodded. Tommy knew they should be talking about more important things but Evan was nervous and it was probably less nerve-wracking for him if they eased into it, and maybe it’d be easier for Tommy too.

“What’s the other consistent one?” Evan wondered.

“Lucy makes fake gagging noises every time it comes up,” Tommy admitted. “Grilled cheese with peanut butter and tomatoes on it. Usually needs to be on sourdough bread, cinnamon-raisin bread on one particularly notable occasion though.”

“Like all together in the sandwich heated up?” Evan wondered.

Tommy nodded and shrugged. “It's what the kid wants. Can’t wait til she decides she’s sick of them.”

“No kidding.” Evan mumbled and sipped his drink.

“Look, I’m sure you have things you want to say and ask, and so do I. There’s a lot up in the air at the moment and I just want to make something super clear before we get any further.” Tommy told Evan.

“Okay,” Evan sat up straighter and made sure he was showing that he was paying attention.

“I know I told Lucy, to tell Eddie, to tell you this, but I wanted you to hear it from me directly also. If you don’t want to be involved, I don’t expect you to. The last thing I want is for you to feel trapped by this in any way. So, if you’re not interested you can walk away now, no hard feelings. I can’t promise she’ll never get curious or grow up and find you herself, but if you don’t want to be a part of this, I will keep you out of it as much as I can.”

“Tommy I want to be involved-” Evan started.

“And if that is genuinely what you want Evan, then great.” Tommy cut in. “But if you think there is even the smallest chance you’re gonna wake up one day and regret staying, just walk away now. It’s one thing for us to break each other’s hearts, it’d be another to do that to our daughter.”

“I know I just found out but I swear I’m not going anywhere. I- I’ve been a sperm donor before- I told you about Connor and Cameron’s son- and I’m not interested in doing that again, Tommy. I want to be a part of my daughter’s life.” Evan insisted.

Tommy nodded and almost smiled. “Okay.”

(Read the full chapter on ao3)

[its-warm-in-here]

Grilled Cheese

In which V and Johnny grill a cheese. 1970 words!

“Grilled cheese.” 

This does not pull V from her feed. She ignores the engram, a practice she was getting pretty good at, and scrolls through the net. Silverhand was getting... a bit too familiar in her skull. Lingering where he wasn’t wanted, interjecting nasty comments about, pretty much, everything. Now, he’s lounged out on her mattress just around the corner, one leg hanging off the bed, fingers tapping to some unheard beat against the plastic frame. V turns the K-Techno song up a notch and clicks to the next page on the feed. Oooh, Panam and Mitch will be in town this weekend, good to know. 

After a moment, he speaks again. “Think you can manage that?” 

Huffing, she pulled away from the net, spinning the chair around, and peered out into the little apartment.  “Manage what?” 

“A grilled cheese,” Johnny asks again, more to the ceiling, than to her. “Even a gonk like you has a hot plate. Bread’s still a thing in NC?”

That makes her short circuit. Who the hell needed a hot plate anymore? She’d just stocked up the vendor in her apartment, there were sandwiches included in her latest package, why the hell would she need a hot plate? And where the hell would she even keep it? The little apartment in Watson wasn’t outfitted with a counter, let alone a kitchen.  “Yeah, it is. But, uh, no. I don’t.” 

Johnny leans around the little wall separating them in disbelief, before glitching in and out of existence to dwell mournfully in the doorway to her computer space. “There’s more use to a hot plate than just cooking V. Its an essential part of any grifter’s apartment. What, next you’ll tell me you don’t have a pan either? Feed me any more of that ‘sashimi’ crap and I’ll puke.” 

Her mouth goes dry. Sure, some folks in Night City knew how to cook. V would kill for a pot of Mama Wells’ pozole, and the jambalaya that River and his sister had served was preem. But cooking was reserved for those in luxury or for those too impoverished to afford the instant foods that Night City had on offer. V was neither. 

Reading her face (and mind), Johnny hung his head, “Sad, V.”

Scowling, she turns back to the screen, “Like you’ve ever cooked a single thing in your fucking life. Probably had your groupies do it. Entitled prick like you probably threw a fit if they got you wheat bread instead of rye.”  V says the words like she knows what they mean. Most of the bread Night City had on offer was the foamy tasting white stuff that either went stale immediately after opening or it lasted wayyy past the expiration date making one wonder if the bread had taken on some form of sentients before it was tossed into the bin. 

“Maybe,” he admits, disappearing from view, then glitching back so he’s partway between V and her screen, “It came with the lifestyle. But even I could handle myself with something this basic. Bread, a smear of butter and slices of pepperjack and sharp cheddar? Cooked over high heat, till the bread’s charred and cheese is molten like a volcano. Hell, mouth’s drooling just thinking about it.” 

And it is. V can't even recall when, if ever, she’d ever had a grilled cheese sandwich, but Johnny sure the hell can. She can almost taste the savory crunch, the stretch of melted cheese on the back of her tongue. Johnny’s mouth turns up at the memory. “You’re not letting this go, are you?” 

He shakes his head, grin taking hold, “It's not like I'm even asking for a smoke this time.” Johnny leans against her desk, getting in close and making her optics fragment. “Come on, V. What do you say?”

---

It's raining in Night City when she finally decides to track this down. The electrically charged sky was grey, blotting out holograms that hung in the air and for once the stench of Dogtown didn't reach her nose. On her way back from a gig from Mr. Hands, V spots a pawn shop sporting a slew of old tech. Most of its junk: tape decks, out of date processing units, instruments that needed to be tuned up, but there's a handful of kitchen gadgets. Finding a glass hot plate with the proper hook up wasn’t too hard and there was even a frying pan for a reasonable price. She hits up Tom’s Diner to bum the rest of the supplies. The ingredients are hardly anything  but he had several types of cheese on hand, so it’ll have to do. 

Shaking the water from her jacket, V shrugs it off, draping it at the entrance of her little apartment, before setting the hot plate up on her coffee table and setting it to medium heat. She then turns to the mirror, stripping off her waterlogged eyeliner before returning to the couch. Johnny was already in his normal spot, one leg crossed over the other, brown eyes hidden behind aviators to hide the judgment in his stare. It didn't work. “Couldn't even spring for the good shit?”

“It's grilled cheese. Not yellowfin tuna,” she fires back, smearing the butter on the almost stale bread. “Now walk me through this.” 

“Never had to cook for yourself?” Johnny muses, leaning forward to observe her amature technique of peeling neon orange cheese from the sleeve of plastic. 

V scowles at him and plops the bread onto the pan with a sizzle. “If I burn this shit, it’ll be your fault.” At that, Johnny scoots closer so he’s leaning over her shoulder. The engram isn't really there, but the hoops her brain jumps through to make sense of another being residing in it certainly makes him feel real. She can feel the air move to make space for the rockerboy, the brush of his chrome shoulder against hers.

“Put three slices on,” he insists, making her unwrap another. “Now the other one.” Following his instructions, she places the other buttered piece atop the cheese.

“Think I'm good to flip it?”

“Don’t rush it,” Johnny says. It shouldn't be this easy to slip into domesticity with the engram, but it feels natural. Like they fit together. He nods at her, she jiggles the pan, freeing the crisped bread from the non-stick surface then uses a wrist flick to knock the sandwich into the air. It hangs there for a moment and for a split second, a burst of panic shoots through her at the thought that it couldn't complete the turn and come crashing back down into a sloppy, burney mess. But the sandwich lands with a satisfying plop. The cooked side is a crispy golden and cheese is starting to melt out the sides. 

“Smells great.” 

There's a swell of pride in her chest at his words. “Don’t say anything till I’m done. Could still burn it.” 

“It’s better burned. Gives it some flavor. Kicks it up a notch.” 

Neither speaks for a moment, she doesn't even bother turning the TV on. Instead opting to observe the bread, just in case it burst into flames. There is a little smoke from the cheese melting but it's not ruined yet. She moved the pan again, making sure it does not stick. V knew very little about cooking, but if this came out alright, maybe it was something she could actually get good at. Using a fork, she lifts to check. 

“Well? Does the curtain match the drapes?” He is always so crass. 

V makes a face. “That does not even make sense. But, yeah, its done.” She slides the bread onto a paper plate before finally relaxing back. The  sandwich is too hot yet and V flicks on the tv. Zoning out. There’s nothing on TV, but it's kind of nice. Just chilling at home, no pressing missions, just waiting on a call from Reed. She curls her legs under her and leans her cheek against the low back of the couch. If Johnny had any real mass to him, she’d be resting against his shoulder. He’s stretched out, one arm slung over the couch, a boot resting on her coffee table as he has a pre-emptive ghost cigarette. There’s no real smoke, but the memory of the nicotine stings her nose. 

After a moment, she slides the paper plate closer, testing the heat with her fingers before biting down into the cheap meal. The bread is crunchy, the char covering any staleness, and the cheese has a salty, funky, melty flavor. Not too bad for her first pass. She hums, satisfied. 

“Any good?” Johnny presses. 

It’ll be a good few minutes before her brain relays the taste to him. She nods, wishing she could just pass him the sandwich. “Not half bad.” She takes another bite, the smell of charred sandwich mixing with the acrid smell of his cigarette. “Ask nicely and maybe I’ll make another some time.” Johnny lets a single laugh resonate in his chest. Damn, she loved that sound. Not that she’d ever tell Johnny that. 

Hell, he probably already knew. 

V is about half way through the meal and Johnny is done with his cigarette, but the smoke smell continues to hang in the air. If anything, it's getting worse. There's a haze. V glances again at the engram, nope, he hadn't lit up another. So where was---?

Above, the holo screens flash red and an alarm blares through the apartment. “FIRE. IMMEDIATELY EXIT THE APARTMENT. FIRE.” The screens show a dramatized version of her little apartment with directions on how to exit with little anime chickens on fire darting around the edges. 

She crushed her palms over her ears, eyes wildly darting around the apartment before landing on the smoldering pan on the still very hot hotplate. The residue of melted cheese and breadcrumbs had transformed into a ball of carbon and smoke, the little plastic fort she’s used in improvised spatula had begun to liquify and seal onto the pan, setting off the oversensitive fire system. “Shit, shit, shit!” Leaping to action, V grabs the pan by the handle, drops it into the bathroom sink and turns on the water. It vaporizes to steam the moment it hits the pan, ruining it, but the water stops it from smoking. If she didn't get this smoke out now, the sprinkler system would trip any second. She punches the button to open the windows and, using the pillow from her bed, she stands on her tiptoes and waves it back and forth, forcing the air to circulate. Johnny’s laughter cuts through the alarms, as he watches her scramble.  Scorn zips through her, but she does not have time to express her contempt. The air is moving through the apartment though, and after minutes of waving her arms like a gonk, the alarm finally turns off and her screens return to their stream of content. She drops back onto the couch, groaning and drapes her forearm over her eyes. V sinks low, catching her breath. 

“Smooth one, V.” 

Before he can add any more to that sentence, she cuts him off with her middle finger. “Not another fucking word, Silverhand.” He keeps his mouth shut and she risks glancing at him. If Johnny didn't look stoic or broody, he was smug. And this is the smuggest she’d ever seen the rockerboy. “What?”

Johnny’s brown eyes go between her and the half eaten grilled cheese on the table. “Gonna finish that?” 

V growles, grabs the sandwich and throws it at him. The bread phases right through, probably making a mess of her couch. He flips her off in turn, laughs then glitches away to some spot at the edge of her brain and out of sight. 

Asshole.  

[grandlinedreams]

You probably hear this a lot, but your writing is amazing. I’ve spent hours just going through your works and they all tug at my heart. Is it possible to request a lax x reader where he realizes he’s been overworking the reader a bit to much. Like, asking her to do something while she’s already working on something else he asked for. And maybe poor reader gets frustrated but tries to hide it.

Hiya!! Thank-you so much, it really does mean a lot to me that people enjoy my rambling hehe ㅡ but also absolutely, I can do that!! I hope that this is to your liking bb!!

He doesn't mean to, you know he doesn't.

But you're still a human, and there's only so much that you can do at a time ㅡ and Law tends to forget it. Sure, he delegates tasks to the others, but you seem to be the one he entrusts more difficult ones to and you're honored, truly ㅡ you just wish it weren't so much all at once.

Case in point, he's sent you out into the main town of this island for supplies, both crew-related and not, the list varying wildly from pantry staples to medical supplies.

You don't mind, you tell yourself firmly. After all, he's done so much for you ㅡ the least you can do is take on whatever he asks of you without complaint.

It's a whirlwind of activity as you flit from place to place, amassing a pile of neatly wrapped packages, boxes, and brown paper bags that only seems to grow with every stop. (How you're going to get all of this back to the Polar Tang is beyond you, you have no nifty powers like your Captain.)

Your muscles ache by the time you find a second to rest, studying the remaining items on the list and eyeing the sack full of berries that Law had sent you out with. You're almost done ㅡ and you smile to yourself, pride tempered by the abrupt growl of your stomach. Right ㅡ you haven't eaten yet today.

"I'm making good time," you mumble to yourself, "so I could grab lunch..."

Neatly folding the list, you tuck it into your pocket along with the money for said items, retrieving your own pouch of personal coin and set off to find something to eat.

The closest place ends up being a little shop with a refrigerated display case showing off various sandwiches and salads, along with neat rows of carefully shaped onigiri. Your expression lights up.

"Could I get two of the grilled salmon onigiri, please?" Given that he'd been in the middle of studying when he sent you off, you have no doubts that Law has yet to eat anything either ㅡ and since you're using your own money, he has no room to complain, either.

It's as you're watching your items be wrapped up that you become aware of the low 'purururu' from your pocket, rummaging to retrieve the tiny transponder snail. It's made in your Captain's likeness, from the tiny speckled cap to the shadows under its eyes.

Hurriedly handing the waiting cashier the berri needed, your attention shifts back to the snail as you answer it. "Captain?"

"[Name]," Law answers, "have you finished getting supplies?"

"Well no, Iㅡ"

"Good, I need you to add a couple more things." You bite back a groan of weary annoyance. Of course there's more. It takes a second of fussing to find the list, mouthing a "thank-you" when you're handed a pen to scribble it down. "Have you got it?"

"Yes, Captain." There's the click on the other line, and you huff. "Wouldn't kill him to say 'thank-you'..."

Food stacked as carefully as you can on the pile of purchases, you set off to resume retrieving the rest of the (now longer) list.

"Do you need help with that?" Concerned, the last store owner watches as you struggle to lift the massive pile, parcels at the top wobbling.

"No, I've got it. Thank-you though," you answer, trying to keep the strain out of your voice as you stagger off in the direction of the Polar Tang, muscles straining under the weight.

How you manage to get everything onto the submersible, you don't know ㅡ only that your body aches something fierce by the time you've hauled the last armful onto the deck.

Vision obscured by the boxes in your arms, you jolt as your boot hits the corner of a box and makes you scramble to correct your balance.

"Gotcha!" Fingers snag in the back of your shirt to keep you from falling over, but there's nothing to be done about the sway of the items on top ㅡ the food you'd picked up for yourself and Law ㅡ and you watch as your food topples from it and busts open on the deck.

Wonderful.

"You good?" Penguin peers at your face, finding you staring silently at the mess of food on the floor. Law's onigiri, at the very least, remain neatly wrapped on the stack of boxes. "It's okay, we can clean it upㅡ"

"[Name]." Both you and Penguin look up to find Law standing by the door, taking in the stacks of supplies before he continues. "I needㅡ"

Need. Need, need, need ㅡ frustration mixes with exhaustion in the way you tremble, snatching the onigiri from the pile and striding towards Law.

"All due respect, Captain," you say flatly, shoving the food into his hands, "but either ask someone else, or do it yourself."

And then you're gone, trying not to stomp your way to the bunkhouse. Law turns, startled by the way you've talked to him, the thinly veiled insubordination ㅡ and then down to the pair of onigiri, smell of grilled fish reaching his nose.

"To be fair," Penguin pipes up, "you've been running [Name] pretty ragged lately. They're usually the last one to go to bed and the first one up, so maybe...go a little easier on them?"

Law frowns. Has he been asking too much of you as of late? You've never complained, simply offered a "yes Captain" and continued on. Tasks got done, things completed. But then again, you shouldn't have to complain for him to know it's too much for one person to handle.

It's guilt that has him turning to head for the bunkhouse, knocking tentatively before he opens the door and steps in.

Your back is to him, blanket tugged up around your ears, and he can see you tense as he approaches. "If you're coming to tell me my punishment for talking back," you say, "I'll accept it."

You sound so tired, and it makes Law feel even worse for continuing to add things to your seemingly never ending task list. "I'm not going to punish you," he says. "If anything, I think I'm the one who deserves punishment for not noticing how hard I've been working you."

"I don't mind." You still won't look at him. "It's just a lot to handle at times."

"I know." Law plays with the wrapping of the onigiri. "And I apologize. I rely on you for a lot, and I appreciate what you do for me, for this crew." He pauses. "I also apologize for not saying that enough."

You're quiet for several long moments before you roll over to look at him. "I forgive you."

A small smile tugs at Law's lips. "Good," he says, "but I need you to do one more thing for me." You frown as you sit up, eyeing him warily before he offers you one of the onigiri. "Eat with me?"

You blink, then take it from his hand and meet his gaze, an answering smile curving your own lips. "Of course, Captain."

[sleeplesssmol]

Reverse 1999 HCs: The Kitchen

I mentioned these in passing, but I finally added them in post with more detail. Feel free to add your HCs to the buffet! Word count is 960ish so you know what you're getting into if you continue down this path of madness.

Apple tends to stay out of the kitchen unless he's looking for wine. He doesn't want to be mistaken for a tasty snack.

Regulus is banned from the kitchen but barges in anyway as the "official taste tester". She also steals from people's plates if they're left unguarded, unless it's Sotheby's. She is an exception. Vertin gets the worst of it where Regulus might lean over her shoulder and chomp down on her spoonful of food. This is the tax for sharing her premium snacks with Vertin.

As for the snack sharing, one time Regulus caught Vertin eating uncooked noodles with the seasoning packet sprinkled on top like chips as a snack. Ever since then, she gave Vertin free access to the stash of snacks in her room. There's always potato chips and Dr. Papper available to her friend.

Vertin stills occasionally eats noodles like chips because Madam Z used to do it when they were traveling together. When Smoltin caught her red-handed, Madam Z advised her not to be like her and to eat her celery sticks instead. They both knew that wasn't going to happen.

Sotheby is allowed use the kitchen with supervision. There needs to be someone there to give their opinion on her creative choices (stop her from accidentally poisoning someone).

Druvis is the head chef and Sonetto is her apprentice that does everything by the book due to her upbringing in the Foundation. For example, if they don't have the right ingredients, Sonetto believes they can't make the dish anymore. However, Druvis will teach her how to substitute things and improvise.

Sonetto is a great cook, but she operates like a robot that needs to be updated with new ideas from a programmer. All the knowledge is there, but she struggle to make her own conclusions. (This is something we see her struggle with in game but I applied it to cooking lol)

The Horror Trio have no interest in cooking, only eating. Although, Jessica and her Critter friends harvest things from the garden so Druvis can supervise/mentor in the kitchen.

Vertin can't cook per say, but she can throw together very basic meals a child could do (eggs, bacon, toast, grilled cheese, simple stuff). However, her specialty is eggs. She can cook an egg in every way possible thanks to Madam Z. The scientist told her if she learns to cook anything, let it be an egg. They're easy to cook, versatile, and a good source of protein. This is an HC but I can hear her explaining egg supremacy to Vertin. Fun fact: Eggs are a staple food in China and many Asian countries. Eat an egg for Madam Z everyone.

Vertin's also handy with a knife since it's all about technique and she's good with her hands. Before her crew, she probably ate a lot of sandwiches, Foundation MREs, and instant food (with eggs on the side).

However, one day Druvis witnessed hot bacon grease pitch onto Vertin's arm. Vertin flinched at first but continued flipping her bacon, saying, "It happens sometimes." Druvis damn near threw Vertin in the sink in her rush to run cold water over it. They didn't notice how serious Vertin's disregard for injuries were due to the lack of scars and reactions from her. Vertin doesn’t understand since it'll go away with a healing potion. This breaks Druvis's heart because even if it's healed, Vertin's putting herself through unnecessary pain since she's used to getting hurt.

That was the last time Vertin was allowed to touch a frying pan (rip her beloved eggs as collateral), but they still let her use the knife since she's adept with it. Also Vertin wants to help them because it's a way for her to spend more time with them. They couldn't chase her away after she admitted that.

There is another advantage to letting the Timekeeper help sometimes; Vertin's the only one who doesn't cry rivers when she cuts an onion. Sonetto and Sotheby are a mess when they try. Pupnetto has a sensitive nose and Sotheby is baby. Druvis keeps her deadpan face but tears will prick at her eyes.

Vertin didn't always eat her veggies as a kid and Madam Z wasn't sure how to make her eat them. It's actually Tooth Fairy who found a way to make fruits and veggies fun. Vertin now does the same for her Suitcase Family.

Imagine an elegant, celebratory dinner set up by Druvis, Sonetto, and Sotheby after a particularly tough mission. What did Vertin contribute with her knife? Sandwiches? Salads? Nope. It's this:

Fruits and veggies decorated as little critters! It's how Tooth Fairy advised Madam Z to prepare them so Smoltin would eat them. As a kid she loved it. Vertin is creative so there are many variations (she's the opposite of Sonetto who's highly skilled but lacks creativity).

They're a hit with her crew too. Even Blonney, who normally acts like a moody teenager when it comes to her true feelings, finds them adorable. After seeing the way Jessica's eyes lit up from the little display, she was inspired to try and learn too. In secret, of course.

Horropedia said they were neat, but listed a terrifying bunch of ideas for Vertin's next fruit/veggie display: monsters, eyeball, tentacles, severed fingers, a dipping sauce that looks like slime or blood...

Bonus:

Regulus: Vertin! What are you doing?

Vertin: I'm making cheese toasties (grilled cheese). Don't worry, there's no way I can burn myself.

Regulus: You're dealing with hot melted cheese. On a scale of 1 to 10, how angry do you think Sonetto and Druvis would be if I called them right now?

Vertin: ...Would you like one too?

Regulus: Cut diagonally, no crust. Thanks ❤️

[tristarnova]

Pizza tower headcanons for both cooking and baking

Peppino: best cook of the entirety of the pizza tower crew, knows exactly what he needs to do, and knows how to spice things up, but not ruin them, as well as being the best pizza maker around, however, aside from making pizza dough and bread, he can’t bake for his life, which thanks to the noise, a rumor popped up that peppino being unable to bake deserts and his location is what caused him to go bankrupt.

Maurice: can’t cook to save his life, he is the guy how can burn water, and doesn’t know anything about seasoning, and hates peppino got his parent’s magic cooking touch, and can’t bake either, will burn the dough every single time, he does however know how to make various drinks.

Gustavo: is a great cook, not as good as peppino, aside from his pasta, which is even better than peppino’s, and is also a great baker himself, with sweets being his speciality, making Gustavo the most well rounded chef around.

Brick: can both cook and bake, but tends to eat the cheese, so peppino and Gustavo don’t like having brick in the kitchen, but if brick is in the kitchen and actually cooks or bakes without getting distracted and eating the chess, they turn out to always be masterpieces in both looks and taste, and the kitchen is always not a mess, everyone is surprised by how great of a chef brick is, especially Pizzahead and Gerome.

Mr stick: is okay, but has bad luck when trying to do such, he can cook, but he has a tendency to mess it up, and he can bake, but he’s very messy, so he mostly orders food, and only bakes or cooks when he can’t buy something, or to try and impress someone.

Pepperman: is an good cook, all their food is great in presentation, but their flavor and taste can be lacking, especially since pepperman likes to make them spicy, which makes his baking skills not that good, but he will make them look very good, that’s for sure.

Vigilante: is a great cook, all things form him come fresh form his farm with no preservatives, his chili is his speciality, he also is the best at grilling out of the group, he can also bake too, but he prefers to go simple with his baking, if it works, there is no need to fix it in his opinion.

Noise: can’t cook or bake to save their life, can not make a meal form scratch, but they can heat up a meal, gets bored way too easily so they can’t learn how to actually bake or cook, and plus also his maniac depression combined with his adhd is a bad combination.

Noisette: would be decent at cooking, if she didn’t try to spice everything up with unique flavors and additions, like peanut butter spaghetti, or chocolate corn on the cob, she is however amazing at baking though, she owns a bakery after all, and can make a great coffee.

Fake peppino: can’t really cook or bake, as they doesn’t have the experience, but with enough practice and training, learning form both peppino and noisette, has the potential to be the best cook and baker around out of the entire cast some day, and they are waiting patiently when that day approaches, when they reach the piont where “nothing compares”.

Pizzahead: pizzahead is the true unique cook out of the cast, he likes to make everything taste like it’s pizza equivalent, or taste like it is pizza, as a result, he can’t bake anything good aside from pizza with any topping, and his cooking can be all over the place, just depends on how much you like pizza.

John: John lost some experience of cooking and baking due to being stuck as a pillar and cloned, but he is still at least decent at cooking and baking, he was actually great at both before he was sealed away, but similar to noisette, he likes to combine things together in werid ways.

Gerome: the most average cook and baker overall, he knows the basics of cooking and baking, follows the recipes exactly, and that’s it, cause they work, and that’s all gerome really cares about, though, he can make a great sandwich, and is the only person in the pizza tower, how will always have their kitchen spotless and shining no matter what.