#do I cherish him? yes
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I'm not a solavellan person I just really like rotating Solas in my brain like a microwave. He is so interesting. He's something different to everyone who knows him. Your intentions shape his approach when interacting with you. He is wisdom and pride and hope and a pain and a friend and a villain and someone's love. He's been twisted against his purpose so many times by so many people I don't think he even knows what his "purpose" is anymore. He is so fucked up. He's such a fucked up little guy. The only part of him that's remained the same all this time is tangled up in the tightest knot of regret you could ever imagine.
Everyone talks about whether they hate or love him. But like... that's kind of the point of him isn't it? If you hate him he commits to pissing you off as much as possible and if you love him he tears himself to shreds and ties his regret knot tighter just for you. There is no winning in his rule book. There is just failure or success, and he's experienced so little of the latter that it's made him willing to tear the world apart just for one tiny success. Just the smallest barest of successes. And then he'd turn around and see the damage left in the wake and fall apart all over again. He can never let go of anything.
As a character i love how he is written. As a person i think I would despise him face to face. He's like anxiety personified. All the what ifs lumped together. Every "I wasn't good enough" that anyone has ever thought. He's also none of these things. He could choose to be whatever he wants but he's so attached to his past and origins and chained to his perception of himself that he'll never let himself change.
I hope that after an ending where he's persuaded to join the veil, that he manages to figure out how to just be a little guy again. Just some guy. He deserves that I think.
#datv spoilers#solas#I just think he's neat :)#this was not supposed to be an essay#but here we are now#is he my favorite dragon age character? no#do I cherish him? yes#thought dump
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So we know that in the novel that ludger cherish is compared to a raven, he has that whole dark aesthetic going on, and not to mention one of his identities uses a plague doctor mask which is very “raven” looking (idk if that one’s a stretch or not). But he also is highly intelligent, and mimicry- something that ravens are known for- is something he does with ease. (also fun fact that I didn’t know until comparing the two, ravens uses ‘non-verbal’ or ‘hand gestures’ to communicate, and in the manwa you can clearly see that ludger cherish often uses his hands when speaking. And I thought that was funny.)
so what if he also liked collecting shiny things like ravens as well? We already know he can easily be swayed by money yeah? So my personal head cannon, Heathcliff/ludger cherish, loves to collect shiny things. That shiny Little Rock (his), that shiny thing that came out of Quasimodo (snatched), that cute little hair pin (finders keepers). But not just shiny things, things like books as well. That small notebook sized dictionary (might as well), that thick book that’s really far too inconvenient to lug around? (Who’s gonna stop him? Casey? She’s currently helping him.)
#academy's undercover professor#casey selmore#ludger cherish#headcanon#I imagine he’s like a little corvid with a nest that’s piled high with things he likes.#But all of it’s neatly categorized and meticulously organized.#He like Ariel fr#His collection isn’t complete people!#Yes he has several copies of the same book!#But this one has the authors signature!#And don’t get him started on the rocks#“Alchemy items” oh what type of alchemy? Don’t ask questions. Who do you think you are? Casey?
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Maraich, for Cherish Gallery - Mineo Maya Art Exhibition Official Visual Book
#patalliro#maraich#maya mineo#vintage manga#vintage shoujo#my scans#we have all seen this one before but i do not care here he is in crispy high quality!#i saw him in person recently... 🥹 yes he is this wrinkly thanks maya mineo. gorgeous though#the book doesn't have a year for him but from what i know he was drawn for cherish gallery in the 80s sometime....#didn't want to put the year though just bc i didn't want to be guessing lol
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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say hi to me i don't know, i just remembered being so much brighter, i guess
cigarette ash like wildfire burning holes in the nighttime open scars feel like barbed wire white lies flying high like a ceasefire dropping flags on the shoreline this is as far as i can feel right 'cause what you don't know can haunt you
and all we ever wanted was sunlight and honesty highlights to want to repeat let's get away from here and live like the movies do i won't mind when it's over at least i didn't think for a while
don't drag it out living like that doesn't mean a thing
so let's, make a great escape and i'll be waiting outside for the getaway it doesn't matter who we are we'll keep running through the dark and all we'll ever need is another day we can slow down 'cause tomorrow is a mile away and live like shooting stars 'cause happy endings hardest to fake
and i wanna let you know i wanna let you go but i just can't bring myself to speak but this is how it goes the end credits, they roll this bridge was built over kerosene but we can watch it and all i ever wanted was sunlight and honesty highlights to want to repeat let's get away from here and live like the movies do i won't mind when it's over at least i didn't think
so let's run, make a great escape and i'll be waiting outside for the getaway it doesn't matter who we are we'll keep running through the dark and all we'll ever need is another day we can slow down 'cause tomorrow is a mile away and live like shooting stars you can wish away forever but you'll never find a thing like today
#miraculous ladybug#felix fathom#marinette dupain cheng#felix graham de vanily#🌃#ml amv#felinette felinette felinette FELINETTE#i'm shrimping so hard i'm gromping i'm making absolute tempura#yes the 2 am coco pops félix post was made while i was finishing this yes i am constantly experiencing inconsolable félix feelings#félings even. GOD GOD GOD okay listen#i could do a line by line analysis of this song and how i made the amv i have too many thoughts to put in the tags i am exploding#but in summary REPRESENTATION. REPRESENTATION. EMOTION. REPRESENTATION. EMOTION. REPLIQUE. FUCK ME#félix's trauma an open scar leading her to the art room as far as both of them will go to feel right#ALL HE EVER WANTED WAS TO KEEP ADRIEN AND THEN MARINETTE SAFE#it doesn't matter who we are we'll keep running through the dark huAHUAHHGAG I MTHRWOING UP it's how he doesn't care what she thinks of him#how she sees him whether she hates him he's Chosen her as someone to protect and he will DO IT he will TAKE HER WHEN HE RUNS#i don't care if you beat me i know i have this under control and i'm protecting you and everything is going to be okay EXPLOIDNGNIG#tomorrow is a mile away tomorrow where i find out who you are tomorrow where we have to come apart#this is how it GOES you're the hero i'm the villain adrien is the lover i'm the monster i'm the cousin#marinette and félix and Knowing each other is so#THEY DESERVE SO MANY OTHER DAYS THEY DESERVE TO SLOW DOWN AND BE WITH EACH OTHER AND NOT HAVE TOMORROW PULL EVERYTHING AWAY AND UAHAUHGAUGH#i'm not well about them. félix and freedom and escape#ALSO i have so many feelings about félix cherishing the people he wants to save so much he was willing to do the same thing that led to#his own trauma and use the peacock miraculous TWICE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME ARE YOU KIDDING ME#you can read it differently but right now come with me ARE YOU KIDDING ME#also ALSO i often think about how felinette standing in front of réplique is a reference to pv felinette#and me placing that directly before the wish is a nod to how the pv was rewritten into canon miraculous. a meta wish... felinette remains#but also in universe you can wish away the world that once was and you'll still never find another thing quite like félix#and who you were and could have been to each other today... cherish him marinette... please cherish him for me#i hit tag limit on this essay so i'm not tagging the episodes i used in the amv but i used all eight félix episodes as always
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Hi!! Feel free to ignore, but I was just thinking about kid silver being adorable AND Halloween because of the upcoming event...and this thought was born—
(This is so long I'm sorry 😭😭)
So, Silver gets de-aged (bear with me here lol)—maybe due to a potions mishap or a spell gone wrong, it doesn't matter which. It's during Halloween week, so everyone's kinda frazzled due to everything being set up, etc. Lilia gets called to deal with it while Crewel tries to figure out a counter-potion/spell wears off because nobody can get in touch with Malleus, and therefore goes to Diasomnia's vice to help take care of Silver (not knowing that they're father & son).
Silver spots Lilia and yells "Papa!" while running to hug Lilia—while Lilia tries to cover up what Silver said. Regardless, he still picks Silver up and cuddles him—he's a silly old man who loves his kid, who can blame him?
Anyway, kid Silver hijinks ensue: running off with the animals on campus, taking naps surrounded by deer, birds, squirrels, etc., calling Malleus "big brother" and Lilia "papa" while around other Diasomnia students (they wouldn't say anything, because Malleus looks so endeared by the little human and Lilia glares and hisses *unknowingly* at any of them who DARE to interrupt their family).
Silver sees Sebek and looks back at Lilia. He's like, "Why did you make him so tall?? Papa, change him back, please!" *cue puppy eyes* he genuinely thinks Lilia pranked him. As much as Sebek says that he dislikes Silver's behavior, he's actually the one to take him everywhere. "You shouldn't miss so much school, Silver! I won't let you besmirch Waka-sama's good name!"
OK, but back to Halloween—Silver dresses up as a knight, or a prince. Maybe a unicorn??? DRAGON?? Any of them are cute tbh. Anyway, they end up going to each dorm to trick or treat (on Halloween night ofc) and Silver charms everyone, because he's Silver. Then, you have Lilia behind him just being the creepiest little demon fae you've ever had the misfortune to see...
As they're going to one of the dorms to get more candy, Silver sees another kid pouting at the lack of candy said dorm has, and their meager amount. Silver, despite having only a few more pieces himself, gives the kid most of his, and gives the other kid a hug. "There, there, you can have some of mine."
Honestly, you can do whatever you want with this, but I'd love to see this written out more coherently, if you want lol
I've been thinking about this for a while, and I NEED more kid Silver being cute and adorable and pure!! He deserves to be cuddled by his family and to eat candy :D
oh my goodness, this whole entire prompt was adorable and thank you for practically writing the premise into my inbox!! i'm not sure this is coherent.....or cuddly....but my mood with lilia has been in a pretty introspective place for sometime so i do hope you find something to enjoy :')
(and i did end up keeping that paragraph after so many of you seemed to like it akaldjll what do i know about anything)
for a fae as long-lived as he, the concept of time is an ephemeral thing. one does not count the years in a decade nor the decades in a century; a fae knows time by the erosion of a mountainside, by the loneliness of an abandoned settlement, or even by the chance meeting of a human wearing the face of another long since passed.
silver fills his arms, helmet askew and heavy with satisfied slumber, and lilia feels the ache of every day that has gone by since he was last able to cradle his son so tenderly in his embrace.
he may be the only fae that now minds his days by the sharpening of his son’s features, a change emerging far too quick and now, strangely, unwelcome.
beside him, serene, the heir apparent to the valley of thorns— looking most pleased himself in their resplendent costumes so artfully reminiscent of the admirable long, yet any dignified mysticism is rendered charmed by the plastic pumpkin bucket clutched in his crimson-tipped claws, brimming with brightly wrapped candy. the overflow is nearly double the amount given to the visiting children, even with silver eagerly dispensing his sugary treasures to any who asked, for no dorm had been able to resist his solemn request coupled with those adorably drowsy eyes and plastic sword when he had so politely asked for one piece more so that their prince might experience trick or treating for the first time. not wanting to be the dorm known for stiffing the fae heir on the most magic-blessed night of them all, both toddling knight and noble dragon walked away, tiny hand in careful claw, with a bounty piled high between them and matching smiles on their twin eager faces.
lilia had been so torn over which to get a photo of first, cheeks aching from stifling his laughter; the vulnerable delight on malleus’ face as silver so kindly presented him with his share of candy, or sebek’s ill-disguised fussing as silver’s sword had slipped from its sheath to drag across the ground.
what kindness to be able to share such precious memories with them once again.
what cruelty to remind him of what would disappear tomorrow morning, crewel’s antidote ready and waiting for them in the dorm.
“...i can see why silver enjoyed such a night of festivity and why he spoke on those memories with you so fondly,” malleus’ reflective tone scatters his wandering thoughts, leaving him to pull his focus back to the present with no small amount of difficulty. “I wish i could have participated in the revelry, but i understand now why you might not have invited me, lilia. the presence of their prince would have dampened any carefree spirits, and i would not have wanted to spoil the fun.”
a wry smile tugs at his lips at malleus’ inaccurate assessment, crooked and out of place, and he can feel the prince’s gaze weighty upon him with surprise, brows furrowing and lips parting with the question on his tongue—
there had been no such festivities, no happily shrieking village children for silver to scamper among, sharing in the night’s delights and trickery with all the innocence of youth.
there had only been an old fool of a general, taking it upon himself to fumble through the recreation of a human spectacle, for no other reason than he could not bear the sight of the boy’s features even mildly unhappy.
he might have wondered how far he could have fallen to find himself repeatedly affecting surprise as he opens the door time and time again to a giggling child, but he knows better now; he had always been steeped in a miserable, lonesome darkness, and to nurture the vulnerable child curled into his chest was to bask in an undeserving light.
without consent, his arms tighten around the slumbering boy in his arms, and malleus is wise enough not to comment.
“I do wonder if silver will be able to remember tonight’s events,” lilia comments lightly as they continue their walk to the dorm, seemingly apropos of nothing and unbothered by the watchful gaze of his young companion.
and he wonders which is more selfish; to wish it so, to have his son’s head filled with such saccharine-sweet dreams of a proper halloween as only a sweet and darling boy like none other deserves— or to cling to the lonely truth of the past, in which a bruised and battered soldier finds a purpose too kind for his bloodied hands in protecting that high and clear laughter of his child, delighting over and over again in the simple fact of his father opening the door.
#lettie's asks#twisted wonderland silver#twst silver#lilia vanrouge#twst lilia#i couldn't not put it in the tags after you practically gifted me a story of its own <3#something something lilia experiencing a Regret about the loneliness of silver's childhood#and all that was stolen from him#but also that painful notion of a 700 yr old war veteran needing this human child to feel better about himself again#each of them wondering if the other cherishes those memories as much as they do (spoiler: yes.)#ah diasomnia#how you wreck me
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𝖆𝖒𝖆𝖛𝖊𝖙 𝖆𝖊𝖗𝖆𝖘𝖚𝖒𝖊 -`. 𝔟𝔤𝔦𝔦𝔦. 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔪𝔬𝔲𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔩𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔬𝔣 𝔰𝔦𝔩𝔳𝔢𝔯𝔶𝔪𝔬𝔬𝔫.
MOON HALF ELF. FIGHTER. ELDRITCH KNIGHT. WIZARD. NECROMANCER. NOBLE. ❦ 𝔰𝔥𝔞𝔡𝔬𝔴𝔥𝔢𝔞𝔯𝔱.
#oc: amavet aerasume#leg.ocs#*myedits#*ocedit#leg.edit#bg3 oc#baldurs gate 3 oc#ch: tav#tav oc#putting him in my pocket and cherishing him coveting him like a dragons treasure mound etc etc#r*haegar core he was always mournful and melancholic 🥀🥹 an air of tragedy surrounded him my poor BOY#his brother rules in his stead in ye olde canon while he’s absent <3#this has been sitting in my drafts for EONS but i am so in love with these *screams*#mourning lord bc of his tragic past OF WHICH I WILL GET INTO 🥀🤧✨#in short his air of melancholy the tragic loss of his dearest his betrothed and other things :’) !!#yana had nothing to do with anything she’s tootally not in his lore either :)#alsoo thinking what if the tragedy was a plot made by s*har?? maybe?#like it would be a PERFECT tie in to sh*adowhearts arc yk????#i did a thought thing in the wee hours of the night but yea!! it would be inch resting i think !!!!!#something something red string *screams*#i love symbolism !!!!!!!#leg? posting at a reasonable hour ?? it’s more likely than you think !!!!!! 🥀🥴✨💀 <3#do not ask him about what happened to his youngest brother he didnt perform a necromantic ritual not realizing his brother was still alive#and mistook thinking he was dead and panicked as it was recently after he lost his beloved so his brother was made reborn bc of it :')#DO NOOT ASK HIM ABOUT IT (i do not have a name for his brother yet but he was the 12th sibling so the youngest of the tall ones!!)
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Every time someone calls fugo "wasted potential" I die a little bit more. Every time someone portrays Purple Haze as nothing more than a violent, unintelligent monster I die a little more.
#HE WAS NOT#HE WAS NOT WASTED#HE WAS AND IS LOVED!!!!!!!!!!!#BUCCIARATI LOVED HIM#ABBACCHIO LOVED HIM#MISTA LOVED HIM#NARA LOVED HIM#GIOGIO LOVED HIM#TRISH LOVED HIM#I LOVE HIM#EVERYONE IN HEADSPACE CHERISHES HIM!!!!!#HIS POTENTIAL WAS NOT WASTED#YOU JUST CANT SEE HOW USEFUL HE WAS AND IS#HIS ABILITIES AND SKILLS WERE USEFUL AND ALWAYS WILL BE#PURPLE HAZE FEEDBACK. READ IT.#and hazey...#HAZEY HAS A PERSONALITY#IT ISNT AN UNINTELLIGENT MONSTER#YES HE IS VIOLENT#BUT HE KNOWS WHAT HES DOING#GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Yk there were probably a few cut scenes in the beginning of orv where Kim Dokja rambled about how yjh’s actions were “ooc” because his interference made him change
#yapping#orv#omniscient reader's viewpoint#kdj#you bastard#I just know yjh did some stuff sometimes that made him grimace and go#yjh would never do that…#then realize#also a big contender on why I believe in pan or aroace kdj#cause he genuinely COULDNT see yjh as a human for a time#yes he cherishes all the characters in orv#but it’s a sense of devotion and gratitude for saving his life not necessarily out of love and esp not in the start#I also think in a way kdj struggles with apathy and too much empathy at the same time#he really wants to feel the way they do and understand them but at the same time it’s not entirely genuine#I’ve said it before too but if kdj was less suicidal the story would be WAY different#he’d still pull it off but kdj in orv rushes towards death at any chance because in the end he’s still an extremely depressed office worker#honeystar
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yo merry christmas i'm thinking about christmas at the hargrove-mayfield's house throughout the years
wanna think about their first christmas together as a family, maybe before neil and susan even got married, or maybe just after. wanna think about what susan got billy for that first december 25th that they knew each other and what neil bought for max. did neil just pass that duty off to susan and stick his name on the from: section of the gift tag or did he put effort in and actually go to the shops and try and find something, specifically for his new step-daughter.
wanna think about the following few christmas' in california where billy never heard from his mom, never even got a fucking christmas card, but max heard from her dad; spending the time between christmas breakfast and christmas lunch on the phone, thanking him for the present he sent in the mail. wanna think about susan listening in, hearing her ex sounding distant and barely focused, agreeing with everything their daughter says, and biting her tongue; half relieved max hasn't picked up on the fact that sam's handwriting and her own is exactly the same, and half mad that sam's willing to take the credit without even blinking.
wanna think about their last christmas in california where they don't even realise it's their last one there; billy hitting his stride in being the worlds moodiest and most hard done by teenager, max following quick in his footsteps. wanna think about how all the gifts hand-picked by susan would be too lame and embarrassing to be thankful for, both kids screwing their nose up at most presents. maybe billy and max exchanging small gifts that christmas becos they haven't been at each others throats all year, only some, and susan thought it would be nice.
wanna think about their first christmas in hawkins, with things still so messy and uncomfortable and rough, but somehow settling into it like it's their new normal. wanna think about it being cold as fuck, none of them prepared for hawkins winters, and everyone walking on eggshells around each other and pretending it's fine. wanna think about max growing up and officially moving into her teenage years and billy counting down the days until he leaves them, adulthood so close yet still so fucking far. wanna think about them all sitting down for christmas dinner and billy barely being acknowledged, things still so tense even though it's been almost two months since everything went to shit, and max forcing out answers every time susan tries to keep the conversation flowing, her doing her best to carry the christmas spirit.
wanna think about a world where there's no living nightmares, no government conspiracies, and no death, but billy still spirals out of control anyway, feeling trapped and cornered in an unfamiliar town with unfamiliar people, his only solution to lash out and fight, anger and violence and distrust being all he knows. wanna think about max coming to the realisation that there's bigger monsters than her asshole step-brother, that maybe billy isn't the start of everyone's problems, just always somehow the end of them. want her to trace the line back to the source and realise neither of them ever stood a fucking chance.
wanna think about a christmas where billy's eighteen and max is fifteen, and they still live on cherry lane, and neil still fucking sucks, and susan still fucking tries, and everything's still awkward, the four of them never quite becoming the family unit their parents try to pretend them to be, but maybe billy and max get along these days, in a way they never could when they were younger, them going from being against each other to realising it's team up or be picked apart.
max gives him a present she saved up for for months, maybe as they're all going to bed, and billy raises an eyebrow at her before sighing and unwrapping it, still too fucking stubborn to be able to say thank you, but somehow brave enough to reach a hand into his room and grab out a present he got for her, and it's unwrapped cos he hasn't wrapped a present since his mom left, so max does her little sister duty and tells him she loves the wrapping and effort he put into it, before actually looking at what he got her, and he walks into his room and closes the door before she can even acknowledge it for the gift it is.
wanna think about billy eventually moving out, but not making it far; too fucking broke to live out his dreams of going home. wanna think about neil clapping him on the back on moving day and telling him he's done good, that this is what growing up is. graduating school, getting a job, moving out, providing for yourself. that's what makes a man. that it was rough there for a while, and he was worried, but he's glad to see his son's shaped up and straightened out finally, thanks to his solid parenting. wanna think about billy having no idea how to react, thinking that's the closest he'll ever get to his dad saying he's proud of him. wanna think about max helping him move and helping him chose a couch, claiming it has to be comfortable enough to sleep on when she crashes there on school breaks. want billy to tell her to get fucked, but buy the couch she picked out anyway.
wanna think about his first christmas out of home, and how how he probably feels indifferent about it at best, and pain about it at worst. christmas was never like the movies growing up, no matter how much susan tried, so it's not like being alone and having no decorations or presents is going to hurt, but he has enough memories of his mum, and a few moments over the years from when max and susan tried, and there's such a build up and fucking atmosphere about it all in hawkins that he can't escape it even if he tried, and he's starting to realise maybe he's really fucking lonely.
wanna think about neil calling him up and billy answering, cos now that they don't live in the same house and billy's finally taking responsibility for his own life, neil's like a whole new person. he wants to do father-son shit like talk about cars, offer advice about fixing the kitchen sink, tell him when to hire someone to fix something and when you should be able to fix something yourself, wants to watch sports games and crack open a beer on a saturday afternoon, and billy makes up reasons to say no most of the time, but sometimes he caves and says yes, cos there's a small part of him that's always wanted this. wanna think about neil calling and asking billy when he's coming over for christmas, saying that susan's cooking his favourite. wanna think about billy not even knowing what his favourite is, but saying he'll be at breakfast by 7:30am before he can stop himself.
wanna think about billy staying 'til afternoon and max raising an eyebrow at him, muttering don't you have a home to go to? while they clean up after lunch, but then neil offers him a beer, so he ignores her, and listens when his dad says he's welcome to stay for dinner, too. wanna think about billy and max smoking a joint out the back while their parents end the day with a christmas movie, and max turns to him and asks him what neil's deal is these days, and billy shrugs her off, too stubborn to look at it all too closely.
wanna think about billy pulling some money out of his wallet cos he has some now, and he didn't have time to get a present, too busy working overtime, but he has cash, so that'll do. wanna think about max handing him a new zippo, then somehow unearthing a whole-ass wrapped present, and when he opens it, it's a set of cheap fake glass cups, becos billy doesn't have any yet and every time she comes over she has to drink something either directly from the bottle in the fridge or remember her own drink bottle, and it's a housewarming gift, asshole, and this isn't my house, billy thinks, this isn't my fucking home, but it's also all he's got, so he finds a place for them in the cupboard above the sink, and max hunts them down the next time she's over first thing.
wanna think about christmas' in their future, when max moves out, when they're in their 20's and 30's, maybe billy keeps coming home, finding an uneasy peace with his dad reserved for special occasions only, the only few times of the year he's willing to lie to himself and pretend things were never as bad as his memories made them out to be, or maybe everything eventually crumbles, and billy finally gets to put some real distance between them, and finally then, he can breathe and stop pretending.
maybe max continues going, her seeing her mom try and so she puts in the effort to try as well, and maybe that works for a while, maybe even a lifetime, but maybe it doesn't, and by the time both her and billy are closer to 30 than 20, the only family they see on christmas is each other, and billy never wraps her presents, and max only gets him practical things, and they drink and bitch most of the time, but it's so much easier to exist in each others space when they don't have to act and pretend and play parts.
#anyway the idea of billy attending christmas day at cherry lane for those first few years and telling himself it's sooo fine#it's completely normal thing to do after a completely normal childhood where nothing ever went wrong ever#and for max to go along with it becos over her dead body is she gonna suffer through christmas day alone even though she thinks its Crazy#how billy and neil could go from the trainwreck they were to whatever illusion neil's trying to create now#but then like. the idea of billy getting a significant other; a Male significant other; and having to like. Face Facts#make up excuses to not go home from christmas anymore; but be too scared to tell his dad the real reason why#until his partner is like. I Know Your Childhood Was Bad But Jesus Christ. You're 25 Dude#wait also the idea of max Knowing and being like. Yeah He's Always Been This Stupid. Yeah It's Probably Genetic. Good Luck.#god the idea of billy finally telling his dad why he's not coming and neil hanging up on him. not msging him for his birthday#and billy getting the hint loud and clear. except maybe susan works some christmas magic and maybe neil's had a health scare or two#and maybe max says she's only coming home for christmas if billy is#so maybe neil calls billy up and says him and his Boyfriend are welcome home for christmas this year.#and it sounds like he's eating the sourest lemon in the entire world. but he's asking. and billy's like. this is gonna be terrible. we Can'#but somehow ends up saying yes. becos he's stupid.#and then neil and susan are sitting down for christmas dinner with billy and Boyfriend and Max and#okay listen. the elmax in me wants them so bad but also the lumax in me wants THEM so bad.#actually either way i can't lose neil would be frothing at the mouth either way#and max would be LOVED and CHERISHED either way#worlds most awkward and intense christmas dinner.#also u may be thinking. now melia. dont they have other family. cousins? grandparents? aunts and uncles? and you'd be right!#but i'm too lazy to go into that rn. the idea of neil cutting his family out and susan barely being on speaking terms with hers#ANYWAY the idea of christmas evolving over time from being something that they barely tolerated with each other#to being something that they only include each other in. no more parents and maybe significant others come and go but no matter what#it's them against the world#m#nqff#text
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gotta say, going through the comments on asura scans is very depressing because it appears that so few of them can read.
#how the fuck are yall still blaming casey in that situation lmfao#she was so fucking soft and considerate towards him all things considered.#if its been literally anyone else that aint his allies catching him redhanded with those dead bodies he would have been shot on sight.#my girl couldve moved on from him after that incident but no shes chased after him for 3 years bc deep down she wanna clear his name. gods.#frankly speaking none of the characters in aup deserves her.#yes ludger cherish included.#but what can i do when shes so in love with him that i can only support her in the background like any other second male lead in kdramas 😔#salt
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I get emotional sometimes about the tradition of giving kids the names of loved ones who’ve passed on
#my sisters and I are all named after grandmothers in my family#and it makes me emotional sometimes#we never met these people but we know they were loved and cherished#and my brother and sister in law have said if they do have kids they’re going to name them after Granpa Leo#who passed away when my mother was still young so none of us met him#but he was alive in the stories everyone told of him#sorry that’s just love you know?#I loved you and I lost you but I love you so much I’m giving your memory to this person you never got to meet 😭😭😭#anyway IM never having kids but I fully endorse this culture yes yes it’s good shit#mine
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okay i haven't been on a lesbian date in some time and i had a nice time with this woman and we have a lot to talk about (we also apparently have mutual friends which is encouraging) but i am once again at the crossroads of do i want to be her friend or do i want to kiss her does anyone have advice for this sadly very common issue
#it's hard on a chatty midmorning coffee date to figure out how much physical attraction there is yknow#i weirdly don't tend to have this problem with men since while i love and cherish my male friends i find that my desire to have friendships#with new men is usually minimal. usually on dates with men for me it's like do i want to ghost him or kiss him#the obvious answer is to just keep going out with her until i know but the thing is i'm out of town for the next three weekends#(yes i am exhausted just thinking about it)#and my capacity for weeknight dating is minimal atm though i could overcome this if i was sure i wanted to kiss her#rare pic of me in the wild
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But where do I put all this love? It's inside of me, growing and festering and threatening to explode out of me. Who do I give it to now? Where does it go? Where does it go to fade away? Where does it go to die a quiet death? There isn't a pair of familiar hands to receive it anymore, and no longer a welcoming mailbox waiting with its mouth open. Where does it all go and where should I put it? Who do I love now, the way I loved that boy?
#what a headache this is. i dont love him anymore which is just as well because oftentimes that ish HURT.#but whose hand do i hold who do i cook dinner for who will turn to me with laughter in their eyes#like they know i understand the joke who will hold the umbrella so far over my head their whole sleeve gets wet#who do i send letters to while full knowing i'll never get a response but still hoping for one who will wink at me across#the dinner tablr who will walk me home who will i think of while im dancing in the kitchen#who will i make tea for who will i agonize over while planning birthday and Christmas gifts#who will i love the same way? where do i put this mountain of love#what do i do with all the little specific ways i learned to love#and who will love me when the only person who has ever looked and me and said i love you and i want to cherish you#was also the person who made me feel like an afterthought a sincere but directionless fling#who made me feel undesirable and unseen and unwanted? i have never felt so unwanted the way i felt at the very end#anyway this is probably a sign that im up way too late anyway what is the point in wondering lol#since breaking up with the boy i have shot my shot with four other friendly candidates#and have been gunned down by disinterest or unfortunate barriers#since breaking up with him four of my friends have gotten engaged and one has begun a new promising relationship#and four others are pregnant. when will i not have to examine my heart#and see the ugliest kinds of covetous resentful thoughts and feelings and be like#ah yes this is not a healthy response#also no wonder the only boy who ever thought you were worth loving never loved you fully and completely#he signed up for what he thought was a beautiful heart a beautiful mind a beautiful soul no wonder he was disappointed
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middle of a match my pc started lagging like crazy and added with my shaking hand it made it really difficult to move because the mouse kept going to a different tab and it got to a point where this heavy asked me if i was a bot 🥲
#i couldve made it funny by doing the sniper mimic thing and nodding yes and then exploding#but my headache addled brain could not think of something as funny as that at the moment. sad#but it was pretty fun overall albeit i missed my vaccinator a little#i have had it for less than like. 2 days? but it is my friend now and i cherish him#but the everyone is stuck as stock is pretty fun and chaotic so#maybe i can squeeze in an extra match or two before eep. maybe#tf2
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for the record, i really appreciate your kindness. toward me, yeah, but especially raz. you, uh, can probably imagine he don't get much compassion. which... i hope you don't feel obligated, since he can be an ass to you, too. but, uh... yeah. i can't express how much it means to me nonetheless.
#i did try to formulate a thoughtful response#but my brain broke a little bit i think so the silly creature is a placeholder while i think#i will say first that i absolutely cherish you as a friend and i am very glad that we met#:) the internet is truly a wonderful thing that we were able to connect even with a universe in between us#you are truly a special man!#as for razlo... yes he can be a bit prickly#and an ass#but i do like him#and i hope that he likes me too?#if he doesn't then i can at least settle with being tolerated hehehe#but no worries about me#:) i do not plan on going anywhere#answered.
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