#distractions from her pain
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why do people tell me that I love so (and sometimes too) much but it never quite feels like it's ever enough
#plinking#and yet for all that i still haven't produced anything tangible that would actually make their lives better#fields of abandoned projects#grown and wilted by the inconsistencies of hyperfixations#maybe its rotting me too#when i still used to bake my mum would pass along comments from her coworkers who ate my baking that they could taste the love put into it o#or something#my near constant baking was likely driven by bupropion induced compulsions to do#with the exception of some tweaks i made i followed the recipes to the letter with an accuracy of ±1% by mass#never really figured out if that particular compliment was like just a platitude people do when they get free baked goods#or if love is a tangible quality i happen to infuse into stuff i do or make#idk#feeling myself getting unstable again#the despair has been bubbling into anger and my internal lockdown has already been triggered multiple times over the past few days#but i cant give myself rest until i can see that she lives again#not that i was capable of giving myself any kind of restorative rest anyways (bedrotting my behated)#even when im at her bedside theres scarce little i can do to comfort her and it fucking sucks that the most that can be done are small#distractions from her pain#i cant even hold her like we used to for her safety#still the promise must be kept
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Digital Circus AMA Notes
Digital Circus is getting a season 1 at some point!!!!
#webcore aesthetic board for the series design
Pomni was going to be a frog originally. 🐸
90s toys Zooble inspo
Caine is an antagonist, but not by active choice, he doesn't know he's not helping. He doesn't feel a whole spectrum of human emotions (he's an AI).
"Caine canonically just lets things happen if he thinks it's funny."
Characters eat like Chao in Chao garden in Sonic. The characters can eat the food, but they can't digest it.
Jax's favorite food is spaghetti.
Pomni likes salmon.
Q "Was the ending a 'Last Supper' reference?" A "in a very superficial kinda way yeah." Religious stuff is sometimes just used for the funny.
Gooseworx tumblr sketches MAY or MAY NOT be canon to the series, so it's up in the air for every single one.
People can abstract from feeling too much pain if it breaks their mind from it being too much. Characters feel pain from things, but not as intensely as they would in real life.
Zooble is gonna swap parts every episode (implying they have spare parts) except their body & head.
Jax chose his own name & gooseworx likes to think he chose Gangle's name.
Ragatha was named "Emmy" originally.
They (the cast of characters trapped in the circus) can't change their clothes but Caine can. It's part of their skin sorta kinda.
There's empty space under Pomni's hat because video game model physics.
Spamton was partially inspo for Caine, Caine's VA did Spamton dubs.
Gangle only has 2 masks. Why's it (her hapiness mask) break all the time? Mental state, but the "real her" is "harder to break."
Kaumfo was gonna be part of the main cast originally before Jax.
Kaufmo's model has nothing below the waist at this time, but was made for that promotional image on twitter.
Q "What kinda person was Kaufmo?" A "He was the same as Ragatha in a sense, goofy & cheery, sometimes toxic levels of positivity."
I'm paraphrasing for the sake of note taking in real time, go watch the stream playback for more context & details if you want.
#these are all from GLITCHX 2023 on the glitch productions youtube channel btw#for anyone curious as to where I got the screenshots & details#theory crafters pop off with this#someone else can reblog this with time stamps if you want I'm pretty tired#I'm not going back through that stream right now; I'm sure someone else will put timestamps in the comments maybe#but yeah consider the amazing digital circus officially greenlit for a first season I guess! :D#tadc season 1 eventually baybeee!!#I'm hyped! I wonder if the pilot will remain canon into season 1 or if we'll get a new introduction into the series.#Wonder why Jax called Gangle... well Gangle 👀 maybe he just thought it sounded silly or something i'm curious as to what gooseworx thought#Caine's AI really thought Pomni running around looking for him & Kaufmo abstracted in his room was funny 😐 or his AI is glitchy#(we saw him glitching out already in the pilot) alternatively I think Bubble could be distracting Caine on purpose but idk just yet#imagine how much pain Ragatha was in since they can all actually feel that though like being body slammed & thrown against walls & stuff 😬#also excited to see some Gangle-centric content in the future based on that comment about the 'real her' 👀#Kaufmo would probably make jokes at really dark moments when it wasn't appropriate because that was a coping mechanism for him poor guy 😭#mine#op#the amazing digital circus#tadc
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Apologies AU - Good Ending Drop
Hey, everyone. It was my goal to finish Apologies in tandem with the Tournament, but for health reasons, I won't be able to as I planned. Because I tied the story to the tournament and don't feel like untangling it again and making everyone wait more, I'm going to give you all the ending spoilers, as I promised I would if I became unable to finish the story.
What I'm about to describe is THE Good Ending. The True Ending I had planned out almost from the beginning!
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In the main-verse...
Susie, who sees too much of herself in Adeleine, decides to take matters into her own hands to bring the girl's older brother back.
She takes the vial of Dark Matter Swordsman DNA that was harvested from King Dedede. Meta Knight catches up with her and argues against it. It's foolish, dangerous, and liable to be nothing but painful to all parties involved. But Susie anticipated interference and asked Zan to bodyguard her. When Zan arrives (late) to the lab, the argument has caused the vial to begin to react to all the negativity in the room. Zan recognizes its contents as Dark Matter and insists on calling Lord Hyness, who in his own quirky way, analyzes their problem and suggests that while the contents are too weak to survive on their own, a resurrection could be possible, using Void's powers to mimic a hive queen, supplying whatever creature emerges the power to survive on Popstar without burning up into ash...
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In the tourney-verse...
White-Haired Noir is at peace with his life and has come to accept the death of his precious little sister many years ago, but...a part of him still wishes to make Adeleine happy.
Using his fairy-born dimension sight, he discovers an Alternate Noir who is 98% percent compatible with main-verse Noir. This is the Purgatory!Noir from the Re_Birthday post. And he drags this unstable, utterly clueless Noir out of this peaceful void without his permission and secretly "volunteers" the massively confused, un-alive but un-dead teen boy for the Kirby OC Tournament.
It is White-Haired Noir that is the "good" voice on phone and in Noir's head, encouraging rationality. His goal? Get Noir some friends. Get him to face up to/open up to people about his past. And get him caring about his life enough that he wants to live...!
White-Haired Noir has seen what the main-verse Star Allies are attempting and knows that the odds of them actually bringing "Noir" back instead of just an emotionless monster are low without a compatible "Noir Soul" (haha) to inhabit the new vessel.
Over the course of many in-tourney events, including Noir learning to have faith in the sibling bonds he built with Gooey despite being Dark Matter at the time, learning to separate himself and Adeleine as individuals instead of clinging to her to his own neglect, privately opening up to King Dedede, who put the pieces together post-possession, about some awful stuff Noir put up with for years in secret from Raquelle's father (who privately loathed Neichel AND her kids and took it out on Noir) to "pay" for Adeleine's good life...
And lastly, using the power of wishes to interrogate if THIS Noir's true wish is to die and be free, to have never been born, to have had a normal "perfect" life, or if he simply wishes for a second chance to be with those he cares about... White-Haired Noir determines that Tourney!Noir is ready and reveals his plan to him. Noir confesses to him that he really does want to live and be with his family again and offers up his stronger soul for Susie and the gang's vessel.
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Back in the main-verse...
The experiment is a success! They have brought, well, something back. It is not quite like Dark Matter Swordsman in form, nor is it exactly a human boy. It looks a little bit like a spiky haired-Gooey.
After some tense questioning of the emotionless, memoryless, unresponsive goo, it...suddenly seems to awaken. With the voice of a deeply shaken and scared young boy, the violet-eyed blob questions the mad scientist, cultists, and masked man surrounding him... Where the hell is he? And where are his little brother and sister?
Meta Knight welcomes Noir back to the world of the living.
Later, after Noir has time to dress himself in an appropriate scarf, Adeleine and Gooey are brought in and it is a happy and tear-filled reunion all around as Noir confirms that, while this form is strange, it's not dangerous and he's not in pain. He is then re-introduced to King Dedede, whereupon it's revealed that even though Noir likes him, he's still a snarky teen punk at heart, as he sasses the king horribly. (Dedede has gained another kid, but at what cost? XD)
...And that's it.
That's the ending to Apologies I've held onto for nearly a year.
For reading through all that, here is a short comic I drew a while back of the reunited family having a snowball fight in White Wafers.
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(Not to unnecessarily over-explain the story but because the comic is a little vague, I have to tell you that no, Noir does not ever return to human after his revival. I meant it when I wrote in several places that their parting on Shiver Star was the last time they'd see each other "...in this form." This is merely meant to depict a moment in which Adeleine, seeing her brother alive and smiling and laughing and having real fun for the first time in so long, is able to imagine his old self smiling and is at peace that her brother is finally free from the hurt and misery he bore up with for so long.)
(...And yes, he has a long, silly tongue just like Gooey. Which is why he hides all but his eyes behind the scarf. Gotta keep up that cool older brother look even as a little goo creature! While Noir can't become human - frankly, he doesn't miss having a human body, given the stuff in his adolescence and being over-stressed, underfed, under-slept and just overall sick all the time in his later teens - he does eventually acquire the ability to shift into his old "Swordsman" form for short bursts of time.)
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(Lastly, you might wonder how I could have had this exact ending in mind from almost the beginning when so much of it is tied up in recent posts like the tourney? ...Well, originally what was going to happen to allow Noir to be properly resurrected into the Dark Matter Goo body is that the Dream Rod from Star Allies was going to appear in response to a grieving Adeleine's wishes to see her brother again, bringing Noir-as-Swordsman back. At least for a LITTLE while, as it would be revealed that with Zero dead, Noir, who was entirely composed of Dark Matter at this point, couldn't survive on Popstar. Every moment he was there, his body was burning.)
(Still, he lasts long enough to have one final talk with Adeleine that helps heal him from the torturous events of DL 3 - in which we learn a highly disappointed Zero drove Noir to the absolute breaking point, shattering his mind and his newly regained soul. Adeleine also tells Noir she has finally realized everything he did for her during their childhood and apologizes to him for not seeing it before. With dawn on the horizon, Noir asks to look over Adeleine's sketchbooks with her before the end... He dies one last time, peacefully, while Adeleine finally gets to properly mourn him.)
(Then, all the "main-verse" sections proceed to happen as stated above!)
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(...Okay, okay. One last thing. There was also an alternate ending planned where Magolor, taking advantage of the fact that Merry Magoland was built on a nexus point, finds a way to reunite Adeleine and White-Haired Noir - still a teen in this version - using his theme park as a union point, as special birthday gift for Adeleine.)
(I was kinda fond of this one for reuniting the timelines, but it opened up a lot of questions such as, if Magolor made it so that Noir and Adeleine from two different dimensions can see each other as long as they're both in Magoland, could others from the WH Noir-verse see the main-verse this way? It invited too many questions, so that's why I scrapped that one and just let White-Haired Noir grow up instead.)
#Apologies AU#Noir Fontaine#PS: going to be on posting hiatus for a bit#To make a long story short this is the fourth(?) time in a year I've had serious wrist pain. And it's BOTH wrists this time ._.#Possibly carpal or radial tunnel - which I don't want - so I'm cutting out all drawing and non-work writing for a few weeks#But I'm tired of the same ol' song and dance of putting the happy resolution off again and again and again...#...and I'm worried about getting distracted playing catch-up when I come back so ...You get the ending NOW!!#(Want to keep this post clean so all you get about the background stuff in Noir's adolescence is heavy context clues)#(Speaking of background things - after 02's destruction Raquelle's damaged soul is left wandering the void...#...she is salvaged by Drawcia who is herself part Dark Matter and has been 'repainting' discarded Dark Matter shells)#(Mistaking Raquelle's memories of '...girl...painting' (Adeleine before she was attacked) she assumes she is an artist and...#...makes her a brand new body out of the remaining dark matter and adopts her under the name (yes) 'Vividria.')#(Vividria and Ado meet in Star Allies and though Vivi has no memories they immediately become super close once more!)#(Adeleine doesn't know it's her but Noir will eventually put two and two together - though he doesn't press the issue)#(So yeah! Things basically end happily for most everyone!)#(As for Neichel and Rim they probably ARE watching from heaven - sorry Noir!! - and happy to see their kids happy!)
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Me in my very first class as a substitute teacher after completely losing control of the kids in the first 2 minutes
#several fights broke out in different corners of the room#2 8-year-olds broke out a makeup palette and started playing with eye shadow#kids were sprinting around the class in circles#kids kept running out the door into the hall#one kid appointed himself as Door Guard and started guarding the door for the rest of that class. he even completed his worksheet#shoutout to door kid#the hall monitor and teacher next door both came in at one point to yell at them#the moment they left it was back to sheer chaos#i made one kid cry because i told her off for being bad#one kid was hiding from the noise under a table in the corner and i just let her. i understood#how the hell can 1 adult control 30 9-year-olds tbh. how the hell do they expect teachers to do that tbh#you need 1 teacher to just sit in the back and yell at the kids when they get rowdy and another one to actually do the teaching#okay well#pain#myart#comix#substitute teacher#the pain#the agony even#my throat still hurts from all the yelling#teacher comic#im dying#good bye lol#I did 1st - 6th grade classes and 3rd grade was the worst. at least the 1st and 2nd graders could be distracted by telling them to draw#the older ones were quieter and better behaved in general#half the 1st graders cried at some point and one of them peed their pants. still better than 3rd grade#skjnsdkjdsn#trans
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rereading new moon because i miss jacob and bella's dynamic but bella is so frustrating!!!! WHY would you call billy's house every half hour until ELEVEN PM????????? it was a kindness of him to only treat her with pity when jacob rejected her
#she's so enamored with vampires that she doesn't even immediately recognize that seeing laurent is a danger to her!!!#and yes ik it's bc of EDWARD and she misses EDWARD and she assumed that laurent was safe#bc he was cordial with the cullens before and like ik she has her reasons i do but OH MY GOD!!!!!!#like i don't want to get into it but ik she has this idea of good vampires and misses edward so she was RELIEVED to see one but GOD#and then pestering billy and jacob like that!! damn bella!!!!#if someone did that to me OHHHH i'd be so pissed 😤#like yeah she was desperate for him bc he distracted her from her pain and made her happy but he's sending a message bella!!! STOP!#personal post#new moon#idk if anyone can tell but i hate rudeness with a lack of courtesy for boundaries#for the record she was not entitled to the pack's secret so all this just bc jacob wouldn't talk to her is diabolical to me
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what i love about betty tho is that she goes all in and that's like, one of her main character things, right??? ANNNNDD ok so like. the show doesn't really BLAME simon for not noticing that too- which i appreciate cuz like how are you supposed to just Be Aware when someone is totally obsessed with you like. It can be pretty easy to miss especially if you're in a loving relationship with them- their devotion might just seem like how they show their love, right??
SO IT'S LIKE. IT'S partially on betty for just being that way and partially on simon for not noticing and not really either of their faults cause HOW COULD THEY HAVE KNOWN and they dont regret it BUT IT COULD'VE BEEN BETTER ANDDDDD. GOD I LOVE FICTION. aaaaahhhhhhGGGHHH.
#nnstuff#rambling#i better not see anyone taking bettys agency away from her she is. my girl. she CHOSE to do this WHOLE THING#shes insane. she loves her fail husband. in tears over this you have no idea.#ok back to homework#fionna and cake#adventure time#betty grof#using fake tragedy to distract me from my real world pain rn you guys have no idea
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I feel like there's something to be said about the way fandom will treat characters who's trauma they can personally relate to Vs characters who they cant
#like obviously fandom has a thing against unpalatable victims regardless of where their trauma is from#but like#people tend to be way more understanding and compassionate to trauma that they can personally relate to or comprehend#in narutos case:#naruto struggled academically and was bullied as a child. he was alone and neglected on an emotional/domestic level#people can relate to aspects of his character despite the fantasy stuff of being a human sacrifice and part of the military and tend to car#alot more about his struggles#on the other hand the uchiha are discriminated against. sasuke is the sole survivor of ethnic cleansing/genocide. that is not something mos#people could even fathom the pain and trauma of. i mean its fucking /genocide/. and ontop of that he was essentially mind raped by his#brother. the person who he loved the most who betrayed him#and is still expected to function in a society that provides no support and continues to objectify him for his clans desirable traits#i feel like atla is also a good example#people can relate to and sympathize with the parental abuse and inadequacy/anger issues zuko deals with. and are forgiving when it comes to#his redeption arc#but when you take a character like jet. who has trauma in loosing his entire village/community and taking on a caretaker role to other#war orphans. thats not exactly a regual occurrence the average person can personally understand. his trauma is directly related to the war#and so despite him doing WAYY less shitty things than zuko. his is still demonized by the narrative. killed off and then mocked#and the fandom largely saw nothing wrong with this outcome#hama is in a similar bag but she also has the whole 'exploding apartments of pregnant women' distraction tactics added onto her#cause just showing colonialism and forced assimilation and fucking SLAVERY is bad on its own isnt enough ig#psii.txt#slavery mention#genocide mention#rape mention
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...
#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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Sometimes, tippy toes don't cut it, you have to reach out and pull them in yourself.
This is a piece I commissioned for. Do not steal, do not edit, do not use, and do not repost. I was given permission to post this onto my blog. Reblogs are okay.
Art by Moriartea-chan from Deviantart
Haru and Byakuran © Akira Amano
Gift for: @parallelroutes
#Neo Commissioned Art#((Look... I decided I don't want this to collect dust any longer okay? OKAY))#((It's been collecting dust for over a year now so let me have this. Let me post it. Don't question me))#(Okay to reblog)#((Yes I got distracted once again from my meme and I am clearly just everywhere tonight))#((I'll finish this meme before I sleep at least WHEEZE. This is important to me so don't look at me and judge me))#((It is Neo does things that make her happy hours bc i'm in pain and I need the serotonin))
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You know what's really a heartbreaking fact that's just too painful for me ...
Natsume's inability to picture or comprehend a "Happy Reiko" :/
He so desire and wish to see her truly happy for once in her life since all he saw of her was her tragic and lonely life as of yet ..
Which's why I find it painful that even when he ACTUALLY see a trully happy Reiko he always goes "I don't know this person" or "funny that she reminded me of Reiko"
He saw her like this 2 times .. yet in both he never seen her as Reiko .. the first time was in hazy dream without her signature school uniform .. so in a way that's understandable
Yet in the recent chapter the picture was clearly Reiko no "what if" about it but he can't register her as such .. because he can't picture it ..
Maybe in a way he's protecting himself unconsciously because as I said he so desire this deeply .. so if he was mistaken and this isn't Reiko in the end .. the emotional damage would be heavy for him. that's why he's doubtful and always plays the "remind me of Reiko" without him realizing it himself and only hold his wishful thinking ...
And in both cases Madara wasn't there to either confirm or deny it for him ..
I even don't know if Natsume is ready for whatever await him regarding Reiko's past .. will he survive the hidden truth ??
Maybe because he isn't yet.. his inner self is protecting him like this ..
#natsume yuujinchou#natsuyuu#natsume takashi#natsume reiko#I just find it painful ..#we're so used to sad lonely Reiko that we just can't picture her being happy#I guess in a way ..we're like Natsume ..#the more I think about Natsume's feelings the more I wanna cry ...#whatever truth await you Natsume .. be strong ..#and remember you're not alone#I just imagine Madara will be doing his best to protect Natsume from that truth ...#he always do his best to either play the “silent card” or try distracting him whenver he feel he's deep in thought ...#like that time with his grandfather reveal ..#Natsume was this close to suspect him being an exorcist if not for Madara distracting him there#ummm ... I'll stop here#must sleep but here I am thinking those thoughts and entering a rabbit hole#maybe next time ...
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What's at your OC's core?
I was tagged by the lovely @noodlecupcakes to take this quiz (thank youu <3)
Isabel: spun gossamer
the easiest thing to do is stay quiet when something’s up. you’re not bothered, and you know what? you shouldn’t be! it’s none of your business, even when it’s entirely your business. it’s difficult (read: impossible) to tell if your cheery demeanor is a cover-up for something sadder, or if it’s simply your natural state of mind. you see a lot of things: people coming through town, people leaving the house and never coming back, lies and deceit of the highest degree. what happened to you? will you ever be that kid again? your presence smells like cotton candy, and your fingertips sparkle like stars. whatever white rabbit you’re chasing isn’t going to lead you to wonderland if you don’t start reaching out when you’re not feeling okay.
I tag (no pressure, apologies if you've been tagged before): @cassietrn @inafieldofdaisies @strangefable @neverthesameneveranother and anyone who'd like to participate ^_^
#hmmm idk what to think about this ^_^'#oh no#it's traumatized#i didn't mean to get this deep oops#i always think of her as this silly goofy girl#but she's just distracting herself from the pain#and those fucking twins man#*cat hiss*#far cry new dawn#my oc#fcnd#fc:nd#fc5#far cry 5#farcry#oc ask meme
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seeing someone close to you slowly become disabled is so heartbreaking
#my mom might have fibromyalgia and she's been doing worse and worse and. im so sad its so unfair she's in so much pain#we're in london together and tonight she's in a lot of pain i want to help her but all i can do is keep her company and try to distract her#from the pain#:(((#.txt
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cw rape but im listening to sic transit gloria by brand new and like,,,,fic idea
#instead of 'wished i had just kissed her just once' like 'shouldnt have let her do that to me'#yaz letting herself be talked into things bc of the ticking clock and bc its the doctor#'shes moving way too fast and all he wanted was to hold her'#i havent written a Final Hour ficof them#i think?#i might do this#no! NO.no im not writign again im finishing this fic and im Doing Other THIngs#fuck#dont get distracted#couldnt do it justice anyway#and from the doctors side of course like its all#desperation regret pain like actually physically the existential threat of being actively dying#selfpunishment+yazidolisation#toxic combo#'was never able to open up to her like i should have' so like wildly overcompensating#'here have all of me then'#which is Not what yaz wanted#anyway im not writing it but if anyone happens to know of a fic thats done this send me the link
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it was never my life to live and he didn’t fall for the real me… he fell for an accessory and thought he could just change the label while things stayed the same
#sorry y’all I’m probably gonna be venting about this the next few weeks#still getting over the sudden ending of this SR and I’m working my way through it#wait why am I apologizing it’s my blog 😭#mine#SB chronicles#it will probably irk me for a while that he thinks I’m at fault for the way things ended when it was entirely him#and he will probably think of me as sensitive and petty and a hoe that was just after his money and he’ll be all the more bitter#towards women after this and I feel bad for whoever he picks up after me#he’s just on a cycle of rebounds…. not healthy at all#his punishment is who he is and no woman in her healed mind is going to stay with him once she realizes who he is#he will end up alone sooner or later#or keep running through women bc he eventually takes his facade off#maybe white women can handle all that emotional abuse but not me baby#I like my men respectful sweet patient and kind and good at communication#I still can’t believe I was going to date him for real and before I could get those words out#he immediately showed me why I would have regretted that decision#I somehow dodged a bullet but still experiencing pain and feeling like I was owed more good times with him#I just wanted a few more months of all the good…..#but there were a lot of things that irritated the shit out of me and I’m forgetting to remember those things#I’m romanticizing our time together#I mean it was wonderful while it was good but I hated hearing and smelling his fucking gross f*rts#that is definitely something I will never get used to tolerating from a man#or how easily distracted he was or how he didn’t like to sit inside of moments like I do#how he often gave me the illusion of choice but then we ended up doing whatever he wanted#I definitely would think ‘oh I can’t wait to never deal with _____ again’ and now I don’t have to 🤷🏾♀️#I just miss the affection attention and sex and how I felt disconnected from my sad reality when I was in his world#I just liked his world#it was rich and quiet and high quality and carefree
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another vent in the tags ugh i should try and do something nice rn
#my pains got so bad again that i threw up again#it's tiring because. i can't even eat atp without worrying about whether it'll make me feel so nauseous i throw up#the doctors wanted to try another new medicine but its put straight in the rear and. shouldnt be shit out. and. yknow. IBD ....#so i obviously do shit it out like immediately ... bcus i cant help it#i probably have to call them on monday to let them know ive started throwing up too#couldnt even go upstairs today without taking breaks bcus of the stomach pains#and theres so much blood all the time#i need to. think about something to distract myself from this bcus i know i shouldnt be ashamed of my condition and i cant help it#but im ashamed anyway and im frustrated and hate myself because i cant do anything else but lie down rn. cant even sleep for the most part#i get like 2 hours sleep max in a day#i kinda wanna draw my apex oc but i suck at designs and idk how to design her clothes LMAOAOA#just wanna draw her interacting w people tbh#also i want more alter content but idk what to make#i just love her
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I feel the problem with texts like The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time, Sunset Boulevard, and The Memory Police is that my analysis feels too off-the-wall compared to what they want us to regurgitate ._.
#Like... did nobody catch on the abusive household environment Christopher was in during CIDNT? HIS DAD LITERALLY PUNCHED HIM#Though perhaps I was uniquely advantaged in analysing that text because everyone else was thrown off by the autistic protagonist#meanwhile me... who is all too damn aware.......#it didn't distract me from the real meat of the novel at all. I just went 'oh so this is your flavour of 'tism' and looked for the real#substance hidden between the lines~#In SB nobody seems to talk about Norma's cluster b disordered personality as being a product of her environment#or her seeming overreliance on horoscopes and outside opinion because having her life dictated by others prevents her from focussing on the#painful truth of her situation#And now the novel i'm currently doing which already seems to be versed in the imperfections of japanese culture#i had a thought connecting the idea of 'the new cavities in my heart search for things to burn'#and the book-burning later in the novel which stirs up the protagonists memory of things it shouldn't-- birds for one#consistently when things are destroyed in this novel it creates some emotional response in the townspeople#and that's the reason they hunger for destruction? It breaks their emotional numbness? They're trying to fill their heart's holes.#Fire is antithetical to snow too; the persistent winter is explicitly a symbol for the persistent nothingness that the island is becoming#Hhhhh i know it's all vague conjecture atm but i know the teachers are gonna hate it :/#i feel like the one thing english as a class has taught me is that any expression of my written creativity is wrong ^^;
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