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#not that i was capable of giving myself any kind of restorative rest anyways (bedrotting my behated)
wheredidmydrillgo
·
4 months
Text
why do people tell me that I love so (and sometimes too) much but it never quite feels like it's ever enough
#plinking
#and yet for all that i still haven't produced anything tangible that would actually make their lives better
#fields of abandoned projects
#grown and wilted by the inconsistencies of hyperfixations
#maybe its rotting me too
#when i still used to bake my mum would pass along comments from her coworkers who ate my baking that they could taste the love put into it o
#or something
#my near constant baking was likely driven by bupropion induced compulsions to do
#with the exception of some tweaks i made i followed the recipes to the letter with an accuracy of ±1% by mass
#never really figured out if that particular compliment was like just a platitude people do when they get free baked goods
#or if love is a tangible quality i happen to infuse into stuff i do or make
#idk
#feeling myself getting unstable again
#the despair has been bubbling into anger and my internal lockdown has already been triggered multiple times over the past few days
#but i cant give myself rest until i can see that she lives again
#not that i was capable of giving myself any kind of restorative rest anyways (bedrotting my behated)
#even when im at her bedside theres scarce little i can do to comfort her and it fucking sucks that the most that can be done are small
#distractions from her pain
#i cant even hold her like we used to for her safety
#still the promise must be kept
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