#didnt do much but my friends got me video games and I bought myself a femtanyl cassette. think about robot yuri for me today o7

[mothcpu]

it is my birthday :) doodles upon ye

[everydaydg]

Buncha used video games ive gotten recently!!

Been going to my local game store a good bit as of late.

All their used games are 13 bucks with tax, so hey! Why not add some fun games to my collection!

Heres a few pictures of games ive picked up recently!

Virtua Fighter 5 ONLINE - Xbox 360 - 2007

Ive been a bit of a virtua fighter fan for a few years now! While im far from good at any of them, ive always found the games really fun.

I got really into 5 Ultimate Showdown arround 2021 and ever since then I wondered about having VF5 physically.

God damm was I surprised when I saw the 360 ver at the store! Quite happy to have this arround now! No matter the revision, VF5 is VF5

Donkey Kong Country Returns - Wii - 2010

DKCR is a game I go back to often. Ive had it on 3DS for a good while and have replayed it a bunch of times.

Took me till last year to try the wii version, tho... I sat down and blasted through it on Dolphin in a single sitting.

It was as fun as ever! The motion controls didnt detract much from the experience! Its still an amazing game.

I wasnt really going to pick it up physically but... a few funny things happened.

Oookay so where do I start... I bought prototype on the 360 instead of this.

Why would I do that when I could have gotten it on PC with little trouble and could have picked up any other game arround? ... well... idk man it looked cool.

I like having my games physically if its possible and buying wii games was (and still is) a bit of a gamble for me.

I dont have a set of AV cables atm. (had to borrow em from a friend to test the game)

So its a choise between a game I can actually play or a game ill be able to play in 2 months when I get arround to buying the cables...

So I got the game... Turns out the disc was cooked. My 360 read it as a DVD several times and when it loaded the logo it promptly showed a warning that the disc was unreadable.

Took it back to the store and they let me pick another game free of charge (I apreciate the flexible refund policy they have).

I decided "ah why not" and picked up DKCR for Wii

Honestly... it feels nice having both versions.

Frogger: Helmet Chaos - DS - 2005

Yes... I did see the nitro rad video...

Yknow I never played too much frogger, been a bit interested on the series despite that

and after seeing the vid a good while ago... I can't say I wasnt mildly interested in playing it for myself.

Soooo I stumbled into a copy of it after I coudnt buy phantasy star universe and soooo here we are!! Im having alot of fun with it atm!! Would be an interesting review to write.

Overall! man ive gotten some fun stuff out of that store. Its nice getting back to collecting games again!

Hopefully in the future ill pick up some other fun titles!

[neonvqmpire]

oh man i remember when switch was released like it was yesterday 🧓... I wanted it since day one especially that I was a nintendo kid but :( too expensive for me :(

yea i feel you i only got mine in 2020.. i feel like i missed out a lot because of that even then... even tho ive watched people play switch games since the thing came out. the thought to get one didnt even occur to me (even tho we had a wii, wii u, and ds at home) until acnh came out and i hung out with my 2 best friends during our graduation/exam period, both are very big nintendo nerds btw. literally spend all my savings on the switch right before my 18th birthday .... paid WAY too much but i really wanted the animal crossing version. best thing i ever bought for myself tbh like it really got me through the pandemic. first it was animal crossing (765h+ playtime), then pokemon (455h+ on just the switch games) and then of course Splatoon 3 which is SOO CLOSE to 1000 hours now (995h+ in the stats atm, but its 1000 already if you count in the pre-release demo which i also played but its not really the full game ofc)

so yea... my switch is still going strong. i hope you can get one one day!! you could look for used ones somewhere? or look for a lite version? but i get it... the games are so expensive too and theres a new switch 2.0 or whatever coming out at some point but they keep delaying it lol... yea :( gaming shouldnt be so expensive?? like why do i have to spend £1000 for a pc so i can run any modern triple A or whatever video game (which are also like £60+ standard) decently?? its bloody ridiculous.

[lemons3ason]

SK8 THE INFINITY (Late Valentines Special Headcannon

(A/n: I HAVE BECOME A SLUT FOR THIS SERIES SK8 THE INFINITY GIVES ME SO MUCH LIFE EVEN THOUGH ITS STILL SO NEW! DIDNT HAVE TIME YESTERDAY SO HERES THE LATE VALENTINES SPECIAL WITH THE MAINS FROM SK8 THE INFINITY)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Langa Hasegawa

-Sweet clueless child is a complete idiot when it comes to love and to make it worse you’re dense to his advances.

-Met you at school with Reki and would try to be as close to you as possible, letting you borrow his board so he could enjoy your smile as you skated.

-Due to personal reasons you were extremely touch starved and Langa was more then willing to hug you all day long but he’d find himself staring at your lips in want.

-Once Valentines came around he felt like finally confessing to you despite the holiday being a total cliche.

-Decided to make you chocolates, unfortunately he kept burning the batches so he had to ask his mom for help which resulted in her finding out about you.

-Wrote a message on the chocolates himself despite his terrible penmanship and hoped you would appreciate it and accept him.

-Almost forgets the chocolates the next day since he overslept and was late for school, wishes you a good morning over texts and asks you to meet him at the front gates to talk to you.

-Was bombarded by fan girls at school that wanted to give him gifts and found himself bumping into someone, just so happened to be you, but he realizes that he knocked something out of your hands and it got crushed under another girls foot.

-For the first time ever he actually saw your face pale and tears prick the corner of your (e/c) hues, he growled under his breathe shouting at everyone to leave as he wrapped his arms around you.

-You didn’t hug him back, you just silently cried somehow not making a sound and he sighed seeing you upset.

-“I’m sorry they crushed your gift, were you giving it to someone?”, he tried to hide the jealousy in his voice as he wiped away your tears.

-You nodded your head before explaining that they were meant for him. He blushed of course but a goofy grin plastered itself on his face as he cupped your cheeks and slammed a kiss against your sweet warm lips.

-He pulled away leaving you a stuttering mess as he presented you his little pink gift box. You took it and opened it giggling at what he had wrote, “We’re already friends Langa.”, you giggled showing him his incorrect kanji.

-“N-no I-I meant boyfriend, can I be your boyfriend pretty please?”, he begged as if he still had no chance with you.

-You giggled and smiled again before cupping his cheeks and returning his sweet kiss from before. Successful Valentines Confession.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reki Kyan

-Y’all already been dating but this was your first Valentines together so he wanted to make it special.

-“Gotta head to work bye Reki.”, you hummed kissing his lips sweetly before you skated away on your board.

-He smiled watching you disappear into the sunset but once you were out of sight he bolted the rest of the way home.

-He’s not your ordinary guy and he loves skateboarding so he wanted to protray his feelings for skateboarding and you into his next project.

-Stayed up day and night in order to finish it and rushed to your house Valentines morning to spend the day with you before he presented your gift to you.

-Treated you to your favorite ice cream shop and a shopping spree at the plush store where you excitedly bought all the cute anime and animal plushes you had been dying for.

-You presented his gift to him around noon by taking him to a very special skateboard shop that your dad owned, he got first dibs at all the latest equipment and parts he needed for future projects and you couldn’t help smiling as he gasped at your father for letting him keep everything he had picked out and wanted.

-Your dad dropped you both off at Reki’s house in a pick up truck since Reki and gotten so much and helped unload it while you went in to greet his mother and sisters.

-He ran to his garage to get your gift but started getting nervous thinking that you wouldn’t like it.

-“S-she’ll like it I know she will. (Y/n)’s always spoiling me so this will pay her back for being so wonderful to me.”, he thought hugging the board tight to his chest as he ran back in to see you.

-“H-hey (Y/n), can you come here for a sec?”

-He could hear you running towards him and smiled nervously as he hid the board behind his back.

-Has you close your eyes and places the board deck side down in your arms so you can see the custom design he made for you on the back.

-You absolutely screech in joy seeing the new board in your arms, you couldn’t believe it was actually yours. Reki has to grab you by the cheeks hold you in place and tell you it was yours like five times just for you to believe him.

-You can’t help but throw yourself against him to hug him and kiss his pudgy face all over while chanting ‘I love you’ over and over again.

-He’s so happy you like your new board, he’s so overwhelmed by your affection but he absolutely adores you and kisses you one more time before dragging you off to his room for a movie and cuddles.

-A dorky sweetheart you can’t tell me otherwise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Miya Chinen

-YOU ARE VIDEO GAME BUDDIES!

-Met during an online gaming tournament, you actually beat him, you became rivals for each other.

-When you both met in real life he absolutely adored you, sweet, kind, outgoing, and obviously taller than him, he couldn’t help the blush that rose to his face upon meeting you.

-You two were a match made in heaven but he couldn’t bring himself to confess to you no matter how hard he tried and then he found out you had a crush on a boy from your school.

-Helps you shop for the perfect gift for your crush despite it breaking his heart and finds himself still buying you something in hopes of confessing to you first.

-Has a little Bunny plush holding a single sunflower in its arms in his room since he couldn’t bring himself to confess to you the day of Valentines.

-Doesn’t hear from you about your confession until the day after when your both playing online against each other.

-“Come on (Y/n), you could’ve easily deflected that! Don’t become a slime on me now player two.”, Miya yells into his mic regretting it immediately when he hears you sigh.

-“Sorry Miya I’m just not feeling it tonight, I’m gonna go to bed see ya later.”

-Your sad he can tell instantly from the sound of your voice, calls you on the phone to demand an explanation on why your sad and you burst into tears on the other side.

-“S-sorry...hkk...i-it’s just that I let myself get played. I got heartbroken yesterday by the guy I liked and I realized that I’m pretty much a weirdo that no one wants to be with. He laughed at me and tossed my gift out the third story window of the school and walked away with a prettier girl in his arms.”

-You don’t hear anything from Miya and sigh hearing the call end unbeknownst to you Miya was skating his way to your house as fast as he could to comfort you, his Valentines gift in his arms.

-You jump when you hearing tapping on your window and watch as Miya sneaks in with a little rabbit in his arms.

-“Then be my weirdo! Stay by my side and we can be weirdos together, you don’t need that slime ball when I wanna be the grand knight that protects my princess!”, Miya screamed extending the gift to you in hopes that you would accept his feelings.

-He feels the rabbit leave his hands and opens his eyes to see you smiling through your tears, he kinda panics and wipes away your tears with his sleeves and just holds you.

-He presses his for head against yours and sighs, “You don’t have to answer right now it’s just that...I-I umm...I want to be the Link to your Zelda i-if you know what I mean.”

-You giggle and hug him thanking him for his kind words and softly whisper, “I love you, Miya, and thank you.”, into his ear making him smile against your shoulder.

-Sweet baby boy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kaoru Sakurashiki

-This dipshit works Valentine’s Day and forgets about it due to all the orders for custom calligraphy messages for couples.

-Annoyed by all the sappy messages and honestly putting half his effort in any of them.

-Forgets he has an interview that day until he hears a knock at his office door and you nervously enter.

-His heart races seeing you for the first time, you look so adorable in your business casual outfit, and your nervous smile has him falling over himself.

-“H-hello my name is (L/n) (F/n), I-it’s a pleasure to meet you Mr. Sakurashiki.”

-“She’s beautiful like a cherry blossom.”, he thought to himself.

-Overall the interview goes great, you’re just a year younger then him looking for a new job to pay for your new home.

-Loves you a lot and asks you to start immediately as his new secretary, you accept and start getting right to work. Eventually he notices you running around in your socks since your feet were hurting from the heels.

-Treats you to dinner once the shop is closed to welcome you to the team and falls in love with you more as you talk more about yourself.

-You are playful but still you have a calm and collected mind something he admires greatly.

-Waits till next Valentines to properly confess to you since he found it extremely hard to put his feelings into words.

-You surprisingly accept and he treats you to a rooftop diner where you both share a sweet dance under the moonlight.

-Dubs you his Blossom and spoils you with sweet gestures and shy kisses until he’s confident enough to kiss you properly.

-Laughs when he finds out you are jealous of Carla (his skateboard), you fume and decide to race him at S which shocks him because he didn’t know you could even skate.

-Absolutely loses it seeing you in your S wardrobe, a rather revealing kunoichi styled outfit that showed all the right parts leaving him wanting more.

-“Well Cherry Blossom let’s see what you can do.”, you smirked behind your fox mask.

-You end up slaughtering him in the race just from pure skill alone, Karla couldn’t keep up with your calculations and you won by a landslide.

-Gets jealous of the fan boys that suddenly accumulate over you once the race is finish, takes off both of your masks so he can kiss you silly.

“I won jealous cherry.”

“Shut up and kiss me little blossom.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kojiro Nanjo

-This large himbo had a whole plan to make you extremely jealous by flirting with other women until you were furious with him before surprising you with a special hotel room that he rented out for just the two of you for Valentines.

-Unfortunately he was unaware of some bullying and self esteem issues you were having because of work so you patience with him dried out fast.

-“Huh baby cakes what’s the mat-“

-“If they’re so pretty why don’t you just stay with them instead of someone useless and ugly like me!”

-Regrets everything he said as soon as he sees you running away in tears, ditches the fans immediately and skates off to find you but you’re already long gone.

-Calls Cherry who has you weeping in his arms and groans as his old friend starts scolding him for being a ‘Heartless Dumbass Gorilla’.

-Hugs you as soon as he sees you practically tackling you and Cherry in the process and begs for your forgiveness.

-You pout and refuse to forgive him which in turn makes him sigh, he scoops you up in his arms and tosses you over his shoulder to carry you away despite your protest and skates off to the hotel.

-“I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you, I wanted to make you jealous and then spoil you rotten. This wasn’t how I wanted today but if you’ll let me I’d still like to spoil you and make it up to you.”, Joe admits in a soft voice.

-You agree hesitantly and he puts you down, cups your face, and presses a tender kiss against your plump lips. Smiles against your lips when he feels your cheeks heat up.

-Takes you to the hotel, chuckles at your shocked expression to the huge lavish room and invites you for champagne in the jacuzzi.

-Leans you against his chest and wraps an arm around your waist, whispers sweet compliments and praises into your ear until a goofy smile is plastered over your face.

-Smothers you in kisses and cuddles even if you playfully try to escape his strong arms.

-Watches sappy movies with you and holds you tightly until your glowing with joy. Kisses you good night as he snuggles his head into your adorable chest and happily nods off to sleep as you play with his curly green hair.

“Happy Valentine’s Day love, I’m sorry and thank you for today beautiful.”, Joe hums kissing your cleavage sweetly.

“I’m sorry I ruined your surprise, thank you handsome.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hiromi Higa

-Meets you the 13th when you come in to buy flowers, there’s such a sad aura about you that he can’t help but gift you a fresh pink rose that brings a sweet smile to your face.

-Instantly falls for you as you ask for an arrangement to take to a funeral of a dear friend.

-Makes you a beautiful arrangement himself and let’s you take it free of charge despite your argument to pay.

-“Just try to be happy for me and that’s enough, you look beautiful when you smile.”, he simply says making a blush roll across your face.

-As nightfall hits the city he dawns his Shadow look for S and starts heading over but he stops after hearing a scream and finds you being attacked by a small group of idiots.

-Instantly picks a fight with them in order to defend you and wins just from knocking one out with a single punch and scaring the others away with a glare.

-Sees you trembling on the floor with a hand covering your left arm and sighs seeing the blood, you had been slashed by one of their blades so he carefully wraps it with an extra cloth that he had and picks you up carrying you to the train station.

-“Stay safe little flower, I won’t always be able to save you.”, he grins at you making you blush for some strange reason.

-“T-thank you for saving me.”

-He smiles at you and leans forward leaving a purple lipstick mark on your cheek as he disappears from sight.

-He skates his best that night at S while thinking of you.

-You appear again in the flower shop the next day, a bandage wrapped around your arm and a shy smile on your face as you walk up to him.

-He’s surprised to see you again so soon and prays that you didn’t recognize him from last night.

-You smile and press a kiss to his cheek, leaving a red stain on his cheek that has his face flaming up in embarrassment.

-You hand him back his cloth and a note and rush out of the store while shouting, “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

“H-huh well seems she did notice m-ehh... i-is this her phone number?”

[inkstainedwanderer]

Okay, my cousin indirectly inspired my new gameplan for fixing my current depressive slump.

When I get overwhelmed I get paralized. Unless I can fix the problem on a large scale, I sit there agonizing over what to do. Then I slowy stop doing other things until those become massive problems and on and on until I am as I am now. It's like when you mess up in a video game so bad you have to consider restarting because the effort to fix it feels way too much.

My biggest issue since I had my surgery has been money. I've pretty much been living off of handouts when I actually ask for help and dont try to live without. This includes rent. This last month I decided I didnt want to ask for help and would rather be homeless because I genuinely cant bring myself to ask for it anymore. I want to repay all the money given to me but it's getting to be so much I'm now freaking out over that too. My friends got me a ticket to go to Chicago with them and I couldnt decide if I was upset or happy because I now feel like I need to pay them back as well. I told my cousin this and she ended up giving me her credit card temporarily to pay rent, telling me to make sure I have a place to live in first and then worry about paying off the card second. Because I dont have to ask the card for help, I'm not as stressed about that aspect or whether or not I'll be homeless. My new job starts next week and it pays pretty well so I just have to focus on paying off the card, food, and electric rather than figuring out if my $200 paycheck should be saved to try and pay off some of my rent or used for food (between the three electricity seemed like less of a need).

But now I have all the issues that came about while I was contemplating homelessness... like how I dont have the energy to cook and how my apartment is TRASHED. For the past couple days I was stressing over food. I dont have a car to grocery shop and I didnt have the energy to cook or clean. So I was going into "sleep mode" ordering out once a day and then going back into sleep mode to essentially try and not waste energy. Which was neither healthy or monetarily responsible.

Today I paid rent and was thinking about how the credit card let me gain enough energy in the short term to actually work on my problem in the long term. So I applied that to my food.

I walked to the store and bought enough food I could carry that I dont need to prep or cook along with plasticware. It still isnt healthy, but at least now I'm not stressing about what to eat and how I'm throwing my money down the drain ordering out. So now I'll hopefully have the energy to motivate myself to start working on the next problem which is cleaning again. Cleaning means I'll stop avoiding the rest of the apartment, so I dont have to lay in bed all day and I can feel good about cooking again.

If I can get to a point where I can take care of myself again I might have the energy to socialize and be productive in ither areas besides survival.

Why did nobody tell me that small, temporary steps are okay towards solving massive problems?

[mmmhowaboutno]

ive barely talked about this to anyone, i thought i got over it but you dont just get over stuff like this. i just wanna write it somewhere. a few days ago was august 3rd. three years ago on that day i was drugged and sexually assaulted in my own home by someone who i thought was my friend. i was friends with him for five years prior, so it came as a shock to me when this happened, not just because of what happened but because i realized trusting people is something i may do too easily. 

my parents went away for the weekend with my brother, and my “friend” was in town, so i thought i would invite him over so we could drink and play video games. we had been planning to hang out for a while and i thought it was just a chill thing to do with someone youve been friends with for so long. i still think that. i had two shots of vodka and after that started to feel more drunk than normal. i remember him constantly stuffing his water bottle in my face telling me to drink. at first he casually asked if i just wanted some water, so i didnt think anything of it. when things started getting fuzzy he would say “drink this, its just water, youre so drunk youll feel better.” he never drank from it though. guess where the drugs were. 

i remember bits and pieces of what happened and the stuff he did to me. i remember “across the universe” was playing in the background as i drifted in and out of consciousness. i wanted to watch that movie since high school and always put it off, but now ill never be able to watch it. i remember that while i was on the floor and couldnt move or speak he would make me drink water and tell me that i would feel better soon, all while he was rubbing my thighs or reaching up my shorts. i remember being unconscious for a long time, and when i woke up, he was in the bathroom. i could barely hold up my phone, but i called my boyfriend first. it was 4am for him and his phone was on silent, but he said that he woke up right as i was calling for some reason, like he felt something bad was happening. i couldnt talk. its like i was in one of those dreams where you try to run away but cant, except i couldnt get words out of my mouth at all. all i managed to say was “drugged me.” my boyfriend told me to call the police, so i did. 

when he came out of the bathroom, he acted like everything was normal. i can still see and hear him standing over me and asking “you okay?” while i was drooling on the floor and couldnt lift my head from the drugs that he gave me. i cant remember what happened until the police came. i only remember the knocking at the door and them telling me to open it. the knocking was so fucking loud. he kept looking at me and asking why i called the police, to which i couldnt answer anything. he started panicking and went in and out of the rooms upstairs in my house. he didnt answer the door, and they kept knocking. i somehow managed to get up, tripped and crawled down half of the stairs, and opened the door for them. i remember my dog barking and an officer placing me on a stretcher and so many questions being tossed around. they asked me how old i was and had me call my boyfriend so they could talk to him. they asked my “friend” if he knew that i had a boyfriend, like that would make a difference in him wanting to drug me or being responsible for it. 

he told the officers that i had had a lot to drink before he got to my house, that i was already drunk off my ass before he got there. they let him go. i told them where the drugs were. i pointed at the water bottle that was in his hand and i told them that the drugs were there, in whatever broken words i could get out, and they let him leave. they didnt test the water bottle for anything or look around my house or ask me if i was okay. they didnt ask what he did to me or even ask if he did anything, they just let him leave and took me to the hospital. they didnt even question the fact that he was buying a minor alcohol, they just let him fucking leave. 

when i was at the hospital, they tested me for my alcohol levels, which they said were normal. so there was physical evidence that i was not, in fact, drunk, like he said. when i started to come to after waiting at the hospital for hours, i told the doctors where the drugs were. i told them to test the water bottle, i begged and pleaded for them to get in touch with police and tell them that i didnt have any alcohol in my system, that it was drugs that he had given me. there was fucking proof, but they didnt do anything.

they asked me if i wanted to call my mom, and i almost did, but then i remembered that it was her birthday. so, i spent those three hours alone in the room thinking about all the reasons i was a fuck up and how this was all my fault. no one seemed to believe me, so maybe i did make it all up and i was actually drunk. but no, there wasnt any alcohol in my system. i only had two shots. after a while, the doctors told me i could go home. i was confused because i didnt have a way to get home, so they told me get an uber or something. they didnt really care at this point. i called an uber, and went outside to meet the car. once my feet hit the ground outside i realized that i didnt have any shoes on. i dont know why but i thought it was strange. i kinda hyper-focused on that as i waited for the uber. everything around me was so loud. all of a sudden, a young-ish nurse came outside and stood next to me. he said he would wait with me. i saw him pass my room a couple times while i cried silently for those few hours i was in the hospital. he stood outside with me and walked me to my uber, asked the uber driver for his name and number, and told me i would be okay. i remember what he looked like and ill genuinely never forget him. he made me feel safe just by doing that little thing, i knew i could trust him when i didnt even trust myself in that moment. 

the car ride home felt like it took forever. i was scared of the uber driver and the road and the fact that it was dark outside and most of all of what my mom would think and say when i finally told her what happened. i got home and walked up to my house to see that the main lights were on. my dog was waiting for me on the stairs and ran up to me as i walked inside. he kept licking me and didnt leave my side, but after a while of my dog being attentive and moving around, i realized how quiet it was inside my house. his car wasnt outside anymore, so i knew he had left, but this sudden wave of inexplicable fear washed over me. i started very anxiously searching every room, looking behind doors and in cabinets for some stupid fucking reason. i looked under every bed and turned on every light in my house. i dont know why but i thought he would still be there, waiting for me. i was looking for any trace of him still being in the house and waiting to do it to me all over again. i went upstairs and looked in my brothers closet only to find the vodka that my “friend” had brought for us to drink hidden in a corner. in the room next to mine was the bag with the receipt for the vodka that he bought. in the room where it all happened was the pizza we had gotten to eat and the cushions that he put under my head when i kept flopping over and drooling. that room was like a war zone to me. i couldnt look at it or be in it, i couldnt for almost a year. there were remnants of what happened all over my house and i felt like i couldnt escape it. it happened in the place where i was supposed to feel the most safe, and now i felt trapped in it.

i went into my room and got into bed with my dog. it was 4am, i couldnt sleep, and i didnt know what to do. every noise made me jump. every noise outside made me peek through the blinds to make sure that it wasnt his car pulling back up to my house. i found myself more awake than exhausted, as i should have been. im sure he slept fine that night. im sure he was okay and that he went home knowing that i was in the hospital and my mind was going 1000 miles an hour trying to remember every little detail of what happened so i could convince the cops that he had drugged me. because evidence wasnt enough. words werent enough for them to even try to dig into the fact that maybe i was possibly telling the truth. the cops didnt care, the doctors didnt care. they let him go. 

i dont know why i decided to write about this now, because for the most part, im “over it.” i do still think about what happened occasionally. it keeps me up at night sometimes, but not as much as in the first year after it happened. what i think about the most is the fact that no one believed me. i wasnt drugged and sexually assaulted and then reported it a few days later. the cops came and picked me up in the house where it all happened. they stood next to the person that did it. they looked him in the eye and they looked at the water bottle with drugs in it and at me barely conscious and unable to speak. they let him go. so unfortunately it doesnt surprise me when no one fucking cares if someone remembers and speaks out about their trauma years later because thats the moment they feel comfortable enough to finally talk about it. if cops didnt care in the very moment it was happening to me, it doesnt surprise me that they dont care at all. ever. 

he never tried to text or reach out to me again. why would he? i blocked him the next day anyway and i havent heard anything since. ive been silently dealing with it by myself for years. i went to a therapist about it. she told me that it was my fault for inviting him over in the first place. thats what my parents told me too. 

and the thing is, im not even the “worst” of it at all. this happens all the fucking time. theres very substantial evidence and cops and doctors will stare at it and think about how much work itll be going through the motions to do their fucking jobs and protect the people being assaulted. its too much work for them, but not for the person having trouble falling asleep every night for years because all they can think about is the moment they were unable to protect themselves and were taken advantage of. i always compare what happened to me to what happened to other people. i think less of it because so much worse has happened to other people. i wasnt raped, people are every day but i wasnt. it could have been worse, and ive always pushed the whole thing out of my mind because of that, but i dont think i should. i dont think it wasnt a big deal, and i dont think it will ever be not a big deal. i think that this shit happened to me and happens to people every day and no one fucking cares because its too much work for them to care. this isnt a metoo post, i just needed to put it into writing somewhere because im tired of keeping it inside. i dont want pity, i never have, i think a lot of people think that when something like this happens and someone speaks out about it that thats what they want. i just wanna say it. sometimes its just fucking good to say it. so for the people who do think that i want pity or that dont believe me or that support cops or that dont think this was a big deal: fuck you and have a horrible day.

thats it sorry

[mreugenekrabs]

personal, dont needa read

i saw a video where this girl said her parents always invalidated her feelings and told her she had no reason to cry or have emotion for anything, and i just started bawling. it was just so stark to how i feel bc my parents have NEVER taken me seriously when i explain how they treat me it's always "ur sayin we're bad parents then huh" when obviously they provided me a roof over my head and food for which im grateful for. like yes, they did all the basics but forget to realize that they CONSTNALY held it in front of my face like it wasnt something they were required to give me. like the whole i can take u out of this world retoric (which was advanced for her, i did ALL THE CHORES on some cinderella shit while my brother didnt/ doesnt have to still. i did laundry since i was 12 he doesnt, had to buy all my own school clothes he doesnt, i wasnt allowed to join band cos i was too dumb to practice but he gets piano and drum lessons. i got guitar lessons as a gift once i was 16 from my grandparents but i was like they said, too stupid and too lazy. i never got anything new like an xbox one like he has or xbox money throughout the month "just cos." as a kid. things like this just ended up making me hate and resent my mother. they were tirelessly strict, taking away cable, selling all of my games when i didnt pick them up ONE TIME, taking my phone every night at 8 pm or when i was sick so i couldnt speak to my friends. like im not ungrateful but to this day i dont feel like i have love the way my bfs mom loves him or lena/quens mom loves them. then they say theyre proud of me but proceed to tell me i have no ambition and im doing nothing w my life. it hurts to be called irresponsible by them when ive done nothing but work since i was 14, buy myself my car bc they guilted me after gifting me one of theirs. then was told they wanted me out by 18 and then i do and it's constant shaming over me struggling. constant shaming over my place of work. "are u really gonna be there all ur life." constant shaming for not eating meat. i have things holding me back but the pandemic and a state wide power outage didnt help, but nevermind that. ashley is a piece of shit who has to prove everything in the world to deserve open arms when i need help. i owe them 500$ because my tire blew out and i was short for insurance but never mind my otherwise 100% payment history. i a l w a y s pay them back and it's not unreasonable but it hurts so much when i see others' parents giving money at their poor kiddos with no payback expected and im just left to drown and give away all my tax money every year to them. legit every year ive owed them chunks of tax money just because the year was paying rent car insurance etc etc. they ALWAYS offer to pay and then its PAY US BACK RN. theyve gotten better but im sure if i only get 500$ for taxes she'll take it all no matter how broke i am. just like when i was in the middle of moving and had 1k saved but because she OFFERED TO fix my bad tires of the time, i did it, offered to pay back HALF of the total bc she offered for FREE FOR ONCE and she demanded the full anount a few months later and took ALL MY SAVINGS. :( as soon as i have the means and the time and the stability ill go back to school and move the fuck away but until then i wish theyd leave me alone. really missing being a state away. i sound like an ungrateful brat amd maybe i am i just am tired of seeing everyone around me w such loving mothers while my mom comes over to critique my weight, my YARD, my habits, hanging out w friends / drinking at 21. what she doesn't understand is even my bf is helping me survive. i live off of ramen and potatoes like...... spare emotional intelligence? spare affection beyond a hug after hitting/insulting? she tries to make up for it now, believe me they try but theyre so far up their own asses that im just an annoying brat who they just yell over. months ago bought me new shoes out of nowhere, it seems like she wants to like me but maybe im just the worst child she has :c i had to beg her to admit im a good kid. anyway.

[doki-mocha]

I came to this school with a 3.75 gpa. Now im at a 3.17. Dad says I stopped caring, but doesnt get that the more down the line you get and the more specialized your classes are, then the harder it gets. Why does getting B’s make me look so bad. Wheres the measuring cup of sweat and tears to grade how much effort we put in? Where’s my gold medal for throwing away years of my life for something im not good at. Why are you judging me on something you know im terrible at. The grades i get that are required for my major are Cs. 

That sure says something huh Im working hard but my brain is incompatible with this work. How can my artsy adhd dumbass brain ever be considered a genius. “Show me your grades so i can be inspired” How about show you my grades so you can be disappointed. 

The average number of classes a semester here is four, five is pushing it, but he wants six. Because more work means im working harder, No it means im spreading myself thinner. My brain can barely focus on one thing but doing multiple makes me do even worse. My brain has so much whirling around and i cant choose what it wants to focus on.

We’ll just waste more time and your money if you force evrything into one year and retaking it over and over instead of taki it slowly and getting it right. Im not a god, im not a genius. Im just doing my fucking best but no one appreciates it.

Im fucking crying again. He got mad at me for crying earlier. I cried because i said out loud “im doing my best but theres just so much already” i dont like saying things out loud, talking about my problems outloud. Thats why i rather type. No calls, no counselors, no heart to heart. Hearing myself with my voice talk about myself hurts, because admitting im struggling hurts

And i do struggle. Struggle with things normal people should do. Making a schedule and following that schedule. I bought a planner because i thought it would help, but guess what. The months on it are already invalid. I wrote in it once. It’s even hard to get started writing a schedule. I dont even show up to class on time. I dont sleep early because my brain wont let me work until laaate at night. So why do i even try.

They cant see the rusty gears in my head get clogged with gum because i cant fucking focus. Spending hours trying to get that gunk out using food, or music, or videos, or little doses of serotonin i get from video games or just drawing. How can i get these gears turning if there is no energy. 

Does that make sense. Because im not making excuses. I open my book at 2pm but dont get the energy until 12am. I want to work. In my head as im finding music, im finding songs, im finding food, im playing quick games, or looking through twitter or tumblr. Im looking for something to pump energy and inspiration in me.

Im asking friends to give me goals so i have motivation from somewhere. I try to give myself goals saying ‘if you do this you get to eat this snack’ well guess what, i didnt get to eat that snack for four weeks. Make it five. Why? Because even eating food ive been meaning to takes time. This is why my food gets moldy. Because its so hard just to get to things, just to start, just to do.

Im not going off task on purpose, im not procrastinating on purpose, im not ignoring lectures on purpose. I do my work to the best of my ability. I read to the best of my ability. I learn to the best of my ability. But people expect 110% when i cant even give my 50%.

Thats a failing grade.

[slowbladed]

you know with kh3 ended, the xehanort chronicles finished i have a lot of thoughts on my history, my experiences, my memories...

i got into the game in july of 2017. i got it on amazon, i sat down and just played it. it took me about a week to finish everything except 2.8. i normally dont really do that with video games. in fact, kingdom hearts is the first game that really pulled me in like that. and i always found it funny.

see, growing up, i didn’t have a ps2, or a gba, or a ds. but my godparents did, and my god brother wanted to desperately show me kh1. and i did. i played it and i couldnt get past any of the worlds. so i kind of just put it to the side and forgot about it. i was maybe 5. a year or so later, he tried again with kh2. i played it, and i would always play roxas’s story. i just loved roxas and loved doing skate tricks. but otherwise i watched him play it, and one day he gave me his gba+chain of memories to play for a bit. i got lost, but i met larxene and was big gay. and i remember, i remember my friend playing kh2, and getting stuck at demyx and beating it for him. i remember loading up my old ps2 kh2 save file that someone played on and fighting xemnas. for a long time i had a kh2 poster. kh1 was the first cd i ever got. simple and clean was something i listened to all the time, both the orchestra and the opening.

my memory is awful. i dont remember much of anything from my childhood because of severe abuse growing up. many memories, both good and bad, i oppressed because of how awful it was. but its funny, i still remember that feeling of happiness hearing sora talk about hearts and things. and i always found it funny that kh is one of the things that stick in my heart, and it wasn’t even the game that kept me together through my childhood (that goes out to halo). i still remember getting lost in agrabah in com. i still remember fighting xemnas for the first time. i still remember all these things, but most of my childhood is just gone. you can argue that the reason i focus so much on memories in my writing, that i think so much on this is because im trying to fill the hole of my childhood.

when i was 13, i met one of my long time friends on tumblr. he’d always say “please get into kh” and i would reply “maybe one day”. even funnier, i only bought kh because toy story was confirmed in it. i love toy story, and thats the thing that made me go “yeah, ill get into the series. ill do it for toy story”. i was 19.

of course my friends joked “pt youre finally getting into it!” “it only took you 15 years” “i think your favorite character will be xion, marluxia, etc” and i laughed at them. i told them “xion wont be my favorite” “im only doing it for toy story” but.. part of me feels like i wasnt. part of me feels like i was doing it to reconnect with my childhood. and this is the first time im really admitting it. that part of me missed that nostagia. 

i sat down and played it. and i dont know what happened, but i kept playing it. i kept playing it because, even if kh1 wasnt great, there was something to it. i fell in love with marluxias character, but there was one character that resonated with me the most: xion.

and it might sound so stupid, it might sound so fucking STUPID but my biggest fear is being forgotten. my belief is that, even if i die, if people remember me deep in their hearts that i wont die. that ill live on and once people have forgotten me that is when i’d truly will die. man, i even had this idea before i got into kh and i thought it was so DUMB growing up. but seeing xion, seeing her based so much on memories, eating ice cream, laughing with her friends, being abused by the organization, then being forgotten, it resonated so deeply inside me. people think i joke when i say i cried whenever xion comes on screen, but she means so much to me. i guess you could even say that i see her as a reflection of myself. that the reason i cry, the reason i resonate with her, is because i understand how she feels. and its so dumb! its so dumb but its how i feel.

and... then i beat all the games. i beat them and talked to my friends. i made this blog. i made new friends. i became even closer to friends i lost contact with. i reached out to them with kh and we fell back with our usual BS as if a day never went by. we laughed, we cried... one friend that was on call with me through KH2, one that i fell a little out of contact with, cried with me when i beat kh2.

i still remember... i still remember crying when roxas and axel sat on the clock tower. eating ice cream. i dont know why. i didnt even watch days yet. i didnt even like axel. i didnt even get roxas. but that scene always stuck out to me. something about it...

i still remember screaming “THATS NOT RIKU!” when kairi revealed ansem underneath the hood. i remember singing awfully out of tune simple and cleans. i remember joking with my friend “hey that looks like castle oblivion!” in the bbs opening and him laughing at me when that part was revealed. i remember dreaming of xigbar serving me food at a restaurant and my friend telling me something important is going to happen august 28th and sure enough lauriam is revealed

and, this has gotten so long. im a giant sap. im a giant emotional sap that has been so affected by kingdom hearts that watching the current one end and seeing a new one open makes me almost wish i could live in his bubble where i could always experience the first time playing it. im a big sap that wants to finally get all my thoughts, all my emotions down, but even i know that no matter what words i use it can never convey what i want to say. im that one guy who, at the end of kh3 cried so hard and for so long because its over, some of these characters ill never see again. im that idiot that cried midway writing this.

im genuinely sad its over. not in a bittersweet way but just outright sad. but i have to remember that even if i played those games all those years ago, that even if i wont be able to feel that feeling playing the games for the first time, that it gave me... some semblance of a childhood. i was able to experience new things like a kid would. to follow sora through the games and watch him grow up. and its dumb, maybe, but.... thinking about it.... i think thats why the game has made me feel this way. even if i didnt wait years between releases. even if i only waited 1 year for kh3... its still a valid experience and a valid emotion.

this has gotten so long but... a lot of this stuff i never really talked about, or even admitted to anyone or myself and having this small piece of media end makes me sad to no end but. BUT.... i kind of got back something that i was missing. even if artificial, its still real to me.

[fansandtheic]

Marty’s Story

“My story with the Inheritance series begins with a stroke of what turned out to be very good luck. It was 2004 and had just turned 21. Life as it can on occasion had become pretty difficult. 2 years prior I was in a severe accident where I had shattered 2 of my lumbar vertebrae. Still going through different procedures and countless hours of physical therapy to try and eliminate the Intense pain I was in and re-learn how to walk. So as you can guess I spent a very large portion of my time either sitting in my recliner, or laying down in bed. Spending the majority of my time playing video games or watching movies and I convinced myself I should try and read a book. I had never been An avid reader. I had previously read a series books about this, very powerful magical ring, but it had been years. So I was at the local superstore looking through the book section when this really great looking blue book with a gorgeous dragon on the cover and a funny title that I wasnt sure how to pronounce. Because I was in the motorized scooter and this book WAs just out of my reach and had to wait a few minutes until someone came by and I was able to ask for assistance reaching it. I was about thirty seconds from just scooting away and giving up on the whole, "book reading adventure."

I kind of skimmed the pages at the store and thought I'd give it a go. When I got home I settled myself into my recliner and opened the greatest and most exciting adventure I'd ever EMBARKed on.

From the very beginning With durza and the capture of arya I was hooked. I must have finished eragon by the following afternoon. Just emotionally investing in one character to the next.

I must have read and reread eragon five times in very rapid procession. I bought the audiobook to fully get the experience by just closing my eyes and listening to gerard DOYle bring me deeper into ALAGAesia than I had previously thought possible. I must have listened to that audiobook at least 3 times before eldest was released.

Reading eldest COMPLETEly resonated with me. I had been suffering from debilitating back pain and spasms. I empathized wholly and completely with eragon's BACk issues and how it can break down the will of even someone as strong as him. But being inspired to push myself physically to regain strength. If this character THat I enjoyed so much was willing to do it, THan so could I. When his back was healed I legitimately had a small Celibration with my then wife who had read the books too.

After that I had made the difficult choice to have major surgery that had a 50/50 Chance to reduce my pain to a tolerable level. Thank guntera that it was a success and my goals just like this character in a fantasy novel were finally within my grasp. I CAN't begin to explain how weird it felt that he and I were living on these parallel lines that were so closely connected.

By the time BRISINgr was released, I was back at that very same superstore. No more scooter for me. I was walking 100% on my own, no cane or Walker of any kind. Again reading and re-reading the story and then listening to it being read out loud. I had started to think of some of the characters almost like family.  Getting angry For decisions I didnt agree with and being anxious right along with ROran. Eldest was a whirlwind of excitement. The whole time just waiting for loose ends to be tied up and having new and more intense adventures Intertwining with everything ELSe.

After the book was wrapped up and I still had a whole bucket of questions. Re-read the whole series FROm start to finish, then listening to them to see if I missed anything to get these answers. I was honestly quite upset. Everything in my heart was screaming for our hero COUple to live happily ever after.

Through the years I have listened to the AUDIOBOOKs a few times when life had gotten me down and I needed an escape to my own personal paradise that was ALAGaesia and all my FRIENDs that lived there. Wondering what other characters thought of a certain event that WASN't narrated to me.

I just found out last night that the fork the witch and the worm has been released for a while now. I cant Wait to go pick it up tomorrow and visit all my old friends again.

THank you mr. PAolini for your hard work and imagination that allowed me to push through adversity and attempt things that should never had succeeded and have the strength to make it happen.

May the wind rise under your wings and the sun always be at your back. I cannot wait until you again BRINg us back on an ALAGaesian epic adventure.”

~ Marty

[shewasanamericangirl]

What are your favorite memories and achievements from 2018? What are you looking to achieve in 2019?

let’s see...

i danced for an audience...more than once! dancing is one of the last things i would’ve considered myself good at, but i had so much fun doing it!

i committed to taking care of my health--and i’m stronger and lighter than i was a year ago!

i had a blast with some amazing new friends on discord, especially chariots-of-fire and the absolutist discord corporation!

got a new job at the local theater that’s pretty damn cool--and saw some awesome plays there

watched some amazing anime including rascal does not dream of bunnygirl senpai, land of the lustrous, darling in the franxx, magical girl ore, and continued watching jojo’s bizarre adventure and sailor moon crystal

oh hell, and now i’m into tokusatsu too. i’m gonna miss lupat so much when it ends...i love my phantom thieves and international police so much. zi-o is often confusing and full of references i don’t get but it’s so freaking cool and i love the key characters so damn much and omg just give us kamen rider [lolspoiler] already, i wanna REJOICE

games, games...i bought way more video games than i played in 2018. i’ve gotta put a damper on that habit. part of it is, there were a few games i spent way more time and energy on than any others--pokemon ultra sun, armello, root double: before crime*after days, shin megami tensei: strange journey redux, and oh i still play a lot of fire emblem: fates despite its crappy writing--it’s just really fun to play.

i had so much fun with my family for christmas. above all, i was so happy getting to play with my cousin’s little girl--especially when she was so happy to spend time with me! my family’s so small, and i cherish all the time i get to spend with them.

i got to make friends with neighbors i didn’t really know so well--my street feels so much more like home as i get to know the kind people who live here too.

oh yeah...i kind of run a charity newsletter now! it’s not always easy, but it’s a really fulfilling task.

so many times looking back on this year i wanted to qualify each item with “but that wasn’t enough”. maybe my biggest accomplishment this year was getting to understand myself better; i can see more clearly now how negative and disorganized my thoughts get at times, but also how i’ve been able to recover from that. i hope that understanding can lead to less negativity and better executive functioning, that i’ll be able to accomplish more of the things i want.

i really want to fix my house up, and form some plan to make more money, whether it’s through work or going back to school or taking in a roommate or whatever combination of those things will work. i want to keep improving my health, most of all my mental health. i want to form better habits so i don’t so often feel like i’m “cleaning up the mess” from my depressive episodes. but on days i can’t do any of those things, i want to be patient with myself, too; the changes i’ve been through, as well as the ones i’ll continue to go through, they’re all hard and scary even when they’re for the better. I have to let myself heal through all of this.

btw, one of the things i said i wanted to do in 2018 was to complete my gen 7 pokedex in pokemon bank--it is now up to exactly 800, including all the pokemon that aren’t impossible to get (and a few that are)!

[confessionsofaheaux]

Chapter 2. The Trainwreck

I am extremely grateful for sex work having given me the financial freedom to live a very comfortable life and put myself through school. However, i will say that the lifestyle is difficult to break free from. Once I was in it, it became a slippery slope. I ended up doing many things for money that left me feeling disgusted with myself. Cash addiction is real. I certainly still have it. And although my life is so different than it was when all this began, I’m still very allured to the making massive amounts of cash in short periods of time. Whether or not i need it. At this point in life, I really don’t need to continue doing sex work. I choose to, because I’m addicted to the money. I hoard cash.

I stripped for a couple more weeks after I graduated from high school, and decided that i would quit stripping in favor of webcamming from home.  My white whale, the client who paid for my boob job, and gave me close to if not more than $50,000 in the few months that i knew him, pretty much dropped out of my life once I left the club. His fantasy is strictly about strippers, not sugar babies. There were actually only a few times that I ever saw him outside of the club. Wherever he is now, i hope he’s still out there making some young girl very happy!

I got my own place, and no longer had to worry about keeping my story straight with my parents. They still hadn’t a clue, but things were much easier for me once I moved out. Mainly i just needed a place to cam. I had enough money for a luxury 1 bedroom, but i opted for a modest studio instead. I didn’t like spending money, i just liked collecting it. A male friend from one of the many high schools I had attended introduced me to webcamming. I was skeptical, but i quickly began making more than i was at the strip club. In just a few short hours! And on top of that, guys would buy me stuff off my amazon wishlist. It was awesome. I didnt have to go anywhere, deal with guys trying to touch me, be on a schedule, deal with jealous strippers being mean to me, etc. I just had to look cute and get naked on camera.

I had zero pause. I couldn’t even take a guess on how many guys had seen my naked asshole, so putting it on the internet made no difference to me whatsoever. I tried seeing how much i could make without masturbating on cam, but quickly learned that if i was going to do this, i had to go all the way. I bought myself a bucket full of sex toys, that i would use during private shows (where guys pay by the minute) or when i reached my tip goal to do it in public (the whole world watching). I did custom videos, photos, mailed my panties. One guy even bought a lock of my hair for $200. Another got a private show just to watch me eat a cheesesteak.

Because i missed having the cash in hand, i signed up with a private party stripping company. My first show, I was picked up by the stripper I’d be dancing with and our bouncer. Her name was Mandy, and she was chubby and tan, late 20s, with some of the largest fake breasts i’ve ever seen. They were hard as rocks! She was really nice to me, and I was happy to work with her even though she was clearly drunk. Anyway, we got to the frat house, got paid for the hour, and the guys went nuts. I felt like i was being attacked by a pack of wild dogs! But they were all hot and i was actually getting a bit turned on by the situation. Somehow I ended up on the floor and one guy did a body shot off me, another played with my boobs, while someone else started lifting up my miniskirt. Mandy announced we would do a ping pong show. The guys roared. What the hell is a ping pong show?? She didn’t tell me this before we got here. She goes over to the table and shoves all the cups off onto the floor. “Go grab me the balls”. I do as I’m told. Then she jumps up onto the table, spread eagle, and inserts a ping pong ball into her vagina. My jaw dropped. The guys clamor around her and she instructs them to stand back, she’ll put an eye out. She was right! She shot that ping pong ball out of her pussy like a BB gun! Some of the guys were trying to catch it in their mouths! I think we both ended up going home with around $500 that night.

I did a couple more parties after this, but they weren’t too memorable compared to that. Except for that last one. That was the one where i decided this was all just too much for me, and i didnt want to do it anymore. It was a retirement party for someone who a guy from a construction company. We arrived at a construction site. They had us do a strip tease on a makeshift stage, with a pole in the center. We played some games, one of which was having the drunkest guy put on work goggles that had been duct taped over so he couldnt see out of it, and a massive dildo glued in the center. The rules were we all had to stay on all fours. He chased us around the stage, trying to fuck us with the dildo goggles. I played along, but of course i wasn’t actually going to let him! Mandy, however, had no problem with it. The guys started getting too rowdy, and it didn’t help that Mandy was egging them on. I was extremely uncomfortable, but i didn’t feel like i could tell them to tone it down, or that our scrawny bouncer would do anything. Again, i felt like I was being attacked by wild dogs, but this time I wasn’t enjoying it at all. Then they brought out the double ended dildo. I don’t really like talking about this part, because i still remember how disgusted i felt after doing this. We went ass to ass on that dildo, as the guy encircled us cheering and yelling at us to cum. When it was finally over, we made about $400 each. Mandy said she would be a while, and i was annoyed because i wanted to leave. I figured she was probably just going to blow one of the dudes for a couple hundred bucks. A couple of the younger guys offered me some weed, so i smoked with them while i waited for Mandy to finish. After about 20 minutes, I got sick of waiting and went to find her so we could leave. Our bouncer was nowhere to be found. I heard moans coming from one of the construction trailers, and there were a bunch of guys standing outside it. “Whats going on?” I asked. They just kinda laughed. I peeked inside. I couldnt really see her with all the guys crowded around, but she wasn’t just fucking one guy. There were at least 10 of them all crowded around her, waiting for their turn. “Get off her!! Mandy!! What the fuck!! ” I screamed, trying to shove them out of my way. “I’m fine!” she yelled, sounding irritated “Go wait for me in the car!”, I ran back to the car and cried. I was just too overwhelmed by everything that night. I wanted to go home and forget this ever happened. I would certainly never do it again.

[traunnatized]

I hope you think about me sometime

It still fucks with me that we could be friends for 12 years and you just got sick of me one day. I mean i'm sure it took longer than a day for you to realize that i'm not worth your time but fuck. You could have told me at least. Instead you just disappeared and stopped talking to me at all. If you'd told me, I wouldn't have kept trying. I would have let you go and moved on. But now I still think about you and even though I don't want to make up and be friends anymore, it bothers me how much I care. How much i just fucking hate you.

It's not even because you stopped wanting to be my friend, it's the way you left. You knew how scared I get about people leaving me, how scared I was that when you moved to Tennessee you would take the opportunity to get rid of me. And you did. And you weren't there when I needed you and you still hadnt told me you didn't want to be anymore. So when you weren't there when colton raped me and I needed a friend who wasn't his friend too, it hurt extra because I thought we were still friends. When you weren't there when my first girlfriend was an absolute piece of shit to me and then broke up with me, I felt so alone. Maybe you could see why I was so mad in the last message I sent you, if you knew about all that. I'm sure you deleted the texts as soon as you got them, but I like to think that every time you post about how it feels for someone you love to leave you, you feel a twinge of guilt and think about me. I wish I could stop caring and just move on, but it's hard when you didnt even tell me directly that you didnt want to talk anymore. You sent a fucking card thanking me for a gift your sister bought and put my name on. When I responded with an Instagram message, thinking that since you got to say goodbye I should get to as well, you told your sister to tell me you didn't want to hear from me ever again. Oh, and then you snitched on me to your dad? No shit I was drinking with my friends. I was in college. I spent a whole quarter working on a presentation about child sexual abuse, and then immediately after presenting that I was raped and I felt like I had nobody to talk to. Not to mention, I was in college. I was away from my shitty family for the first time and I finally had some friends who were more fun to hang out with than you. So yeah, I got drunk a lot. I got high a lot. It wasn't necessarily a great thing to do, at least the way I did it, but that was quite frankly not yours to worry about or tell people, especially after deciding not to be friends anymore. And I know you didn't tell him because you were concerned.

If you'd been concerned about my wellbeing, you would have told me to stop trying with you and find another best friend. Yeah, you've got depression. You've got anxiety. I know that makes conflict hard because newsflash: you're not the only one. I hope you've grown the fuck up and realized that mental illness doesn't mean you can escape responsibility when you hurt someone. Yes, you had every right to stop being my friend, but the way you did it sucked. It really fucking sucked. Especially when I trusted you enough to tell you what happened to me as a child. For you to pull away immediately after that with no explanation made me feel like you must be disgusted by me. If you had explained, it would have hurt but it would have been easier for both of us.

I don't even know why I still get so heated about this, but i'm just so thoroughly pissed at you. You got to just walk away. You got to ignore me. I was left wondering for MONTHS what I did wrong, whether we were still friends. I know I sent texts saying if you didn't want to be friends, just tell me. You could have saved me months of missing you with just a few words. Honestly, you weren't a great friend anyway. You acted like you put all the effort in and I was never there for you, but when you let me be there when you needed me to be, I was right there. I was there in less than an hour when your ex was stalking you and you were panicking. I put on movies and tried to change your gauze when you got your wisdom teeth out. I listened while you told me about your first time having sex, your attempts to figure out your gender, and anything else you were willing to tell me about and I was always supportive. I feel like I wasted high school spending time with you when I could have been having fun instead of watching the same videos of people playing video games on youtube and hearing the same story ideas and seeing more of your mediocre art every time I came over. I guess I wasted my own time by staying friends with you but I was so awkward and shy and scared of who I was that I was scared to start over with someone else. Not to mention your house was really the only place I went by myself where I felt safe and was away from my parents.

At one point right before you moved or maybe in a text right after, you said I had changed. That I had gone from a shy quiet girl to a loud woman. I should have realized it was a sign as to what kind of friend you were that you said that like it was a bad thing. I know when it changed, and it was right after I cut my hair short. I started to feel like myself, and I finally started to accept that i'm gay. I dont think I even really told you, at least not right away, because I worried you'd accuse me of copying you (another red flag) since I had just started fully realizing it wasn't going to go away right before you told me you're bi. So yeah, I got louder for a while. I became more sure of myself. I started to figure out where it was safe to be open about who I was (the answer was college after my mom was driving home from orientation week).I stopped hiding in your shadow and for the brief window between that and being raped, while I still really struggled with anxiety and depression I felt some hope that it was getting better. I started to deal with shit and work on coping skills. A real friend would have been happy for me. You wanted me to go back to the quiet girl who pretty much just listened to your ideas.

I need to get over this, I know. Its been years now since we talked and even if you for whatever reason wanted to be friends, i wouldn't have to think at all to decide not to talk to you again. But i'm still mad. I'm still pissed at you for leaving the way you did and i'm pissed at myself for not leaving you first. I hope you remember me. And I hope you feel like shit when you do.

[meadow-dusk]

LONG LONG LONG

a music survey from livejournal days…

- TO TAKE THIS SURVEY, SIMPLY PUT YOUR MUSIC PLAYER ON SHUFFLE AND ANSWER THE QUESTIONS WITH THE TITLE OF THE SONG THAT COMES ON - [it’s better if you don’t cheat and don’t skip any songs.]

What is your name?: Moby Dick • Led Zep

How is your life going?: Get on the Right Thing • Paul McCartney

What is your nickname?: The Day the World Gets ‘Round • George Harrison

What is your theme song?: Little Games • The Yardbirds

What is your best friend’s theme song?: Wait • The Beatles

How is your life going to turn out?: Communication Breakdown • Led Zeppelin

Will you get married?: Four Sticks • Led Zeppelin

Will you have kids?: For What It’s Worth • Haley Reinhart

What will your job be?: Rattled • Traveling Wilburys

Did you/will you finish school?: Good Times, Bad Times • Led Zeppelin

Who is your best friend?: Behind that Locked Door • George Harrison

Who is or will be your significant other?: Think Pink! • Beyond Pink

Who do you like?: We’re All in This Together • High School Musical Cast

How will you die?: Stairway to Heaven • Led Zeppelin (YAAAAAS)

How do you feel right now?: Sentimental Journey • Ringo Starr

What is your favorite song?: Matilda Mother • Pink Floyd

How could you describe your parents?: Pilate and Christ • Jesus Christ Superstar (you can’t make this stuff up yall)

Your best friend[s]?: Postcards from Paradise • Ringo Starr

Your teachers?: She’s Not There • The Zombies

Your significant other [or crush…]?: Riding on a Bus • The Beatles (an interview)

Yourself?: Brian Bathtubes • The Beatles (taking requests)

What is your best feature?: The Riddle • Five for Fighting

What will you be/should you be, profession-wise?: Desire • U2

How could you describe this survey?: I Told You So • Randy Travis

What makes you angry?: Moanin’ • Chris Farlowe ft. Jimmy Page and a random sitarist (this song is so interesting)

What makes you sad?: Everything I Know • Mandy Gonzalez 

What makes you happy?: One • Bee Gees

What makes you dance?: I Still • Backstreet Boys

What is your favorite color?: Sundown • Gordon Lightfoot

How would you describe yourself?: Heart Attack • One Direction

Who is your worst enemy?: Little Soldier Boy • The Yardbirds

Who do you hate?: No Me Diga • In the Heights

Who do you love?: I Started a Joke • Bee Gees

Who do you lust after?: What Do You Want? • The Yardbirds Finish the Sentence I wish: Rainy Day Women #12 and 35 • Bob Dylan I want to: We’re on the Road Again • Ringo Starr I want to kill:. Money • The Beatles I want to eat: Spring Musical Medley • HSM3 yall with Kryan duet to open My head: Sometimes I’ll Be There • Naked Brothers Band (accurate) I am: Movin On • Rascal Flatts My best feature is: The Sad Bells of Rhymney • Fifth Avenue My eyes are: Safest Place to Hide • Backstreet Boys My hair is: Who Can See It • George Harrison My face is: Baby Come on Home • Led Zeppelin You should: Not This Time • 3Lw

Random Words of advice: And Here We Are Again • The Beatles  How do others see me?: Rhythm of Love • Plain White T’s How do I see myself?: Knowing Me, Knowing You • ABBA *** For this first section, put down the first ten songs that play, and then rate them on a scale of 1 - 5 (5 being the best) in the next column. 1. I Have a Dream •  Abba 2/5 2. Sounds of Silence • Simon and Garfunkel 5/5 3. In The Flesh • Pink Floyd 4/5  4. Ya-Ya •  John Lennon (ft. Julian on drums) 4/5  5. Magic Bus • The Who Live at the Isle of Wright 4/5 6. Stomp • Steps 2/5 7. KICK DA DUST UP • Luke Bryan 4/5 8. Your Mother Should Know • The Beatles 5/5 9. Photograph • Ringo (2017) 3/5 he sounds great but it isn’t exciting also who’s the chick I didnt sign up for this 10. Piggies • The Beatles 5/5 good one George Now for a little fortune telling… 1. Who am I?: Tug of War • Paul McCartney 2. Why am I here?: Bet On It • Zac Efron (skittles and steak) 3. What’s my theme song?: American Beauty/American Psycho • Fall Out Boy 4. How’s tomorrow gonna be?: Behind Blue Eyes • The Who 5. What does ______ really think of me?: Let’s Go to Vegas • Faith Hill 6. What’s this school year going to be about?: Man on Fire • Andy Gibb 7. Is something bad going to happen in the near future?: Little Bitty • Alan Jackson 8. What’s the government going to do next?: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band/The End • Paul McCartney Live at Citi Field 9. What’s my best friend doing right now?: Inutil • Carlos Gomez 10. What does my iPod/MP3 think about me?: American Girl • Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers Last section! These next questions are all about music 1. I absolutely LOVE this song!: The Look of Love • ABC Comments: This was in Start the Commotion and there was a clip art of eyes as the O’s in look 2. I have no clue why this song is still on my music player: Steppin’ Out • John Mayall and the Bluesbreakers Comments: It’s saved because I occasionally really try to get into Clapton 3. This song has AMAZING lyrics: Love Will Find a Way • Pablo Cruise Comments: I remembered his initials but not his name

4. The band that does this song is one of my favorites: Most Peculiar Man • Simon and Garfunkel Comments: I would not say favorites but I give them their due 5. My dad loves this song: Songs About Rain • Gary Allan Comments: he bought the CD and took it on road trips so probs 6. My mom can’t stand this song: The Hook (All My Love) • Led Zeppelin Comments: she probably can stand it more than me 7. I have a sibling who enjoys listening to songs by this band: When You See a Chance • Steve Winwood Comments: fair to say that cause once she asked me what the name of Valerie was 8. One of my best friends hates the band that does this song: Like Nobody’s Around • Big Time Rush Comments: NO FRIEND OF MINE! 9. I got this song off a mix CD: Got My Mind Set On You • George Harrison Comments: I learned how to do the mashed potato to this song 10. This song is on a movie soundtrack: The Freedom Song • Jason Mraz Comments: could definitely be but don’t hold this one down

11. Share a memory involving this song in comments: Friday On My Mind • The Easybeats Comments: running to it - how was there this much good music at one time 12. I’ve played this song on repeat before: You’re My Number One • S Club 7 Comments: Try this ALBUM back when we used to play S Club and have choreography 13. This song is on the band’s Greatest Hit’s CD: Ramblin’ Man • Allman Brothers Band Comments: if it isn’t they screwed up 14. I love dancing to this song!: If You Wanna Do a Dance • The Spinners Comments: seems like that was the idea 15. This song gets me every time I hear it: Bathroom Sound (Out on the Tiles early take) • Led Zeppelin Comments: I prefer the final version with vocals and silly quips but this version does just as well for Bonzo Appreciation Time 16. This song is great to listen to when you’re angry: Farmer Refuted (Instrumental) • Hamilton  Comments: OH MY GOD tear this dude apart 17. I love the music video for this song: I’m Just a Singer (In a Rock and Roll Band) • Moody Blues Comments: if there is one it’s probably psychedelic so I’d dig it I bet 18. I’ve seen the band that performs this song live: The Boxer • Simon and Garfunkel Comments: I have not.  This song is beautiful.  19. Is this song better to listen to at night, in the morning, or in the afternoon?: Let’s Get Rocked • Def Leppard Comments: morning, running. 20. I haven’t listened to this song in so long!: That’s the Way (Live Paris 1971) • Led Zeppelin Comments: not true it came on on the way to the gym barely a few weeks ago *** What were the first words to Abe Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address?: What ya gonna do when it’s cold outside? (Keep It Hid • Robert Plant) What did Martin Luther King have a dream about, anyways?: You’ve got a cute way of talking, you got the better of me! (You Make Me Feel Like Dancin’ • Leo Sayer)  Tomorrow’s newspapers will all have the major headline of: Out in the Rain Looking for Sunshine (Permanent Stain • Backstreet Boys) If someone offered you some free drugs, how would you respond?: Lord almighty, feel my temperature risin’...(Burning Love • Elvis) What kind of higher power do you believe in?: You need coolin, baby I’ ain’t foolin (Whole Lotta Love • Led Zeppelin) What do people really notice about you?: There’s a girl I know who makes me feel so good (Valleri • The Monkees) What do you notice first in the preferred sex of your choice?: Hey fellas, have ya heard the news you know that Annie’s back in town (Heartbreaker • Led Zeppelin) What do you look for in reading books?: They say that Richard Cory owns one half of this whole town, with political connections to spread his wealth around (Richard Cory • Wings) What’s a must-have quality in a friend for you?: Meeting people along my way, seemingly I’ve known one day (Happenings Ten Years Time Ago • The Yardbirds) What scares the shit out of you?: Gat Kirwani • George Harrison (this has no words it’s just a sitar jam) How do you laugh?: Anna, you come and ask me, girl, to set you free girl? (Anna (Go To Him) • The Beatles)  Why do you do these surveys?: When the night returns just like a friend, when the evening comes to set me free  (If You Know What I Mean • Neil Diamond) Do you have anything you’d like to confess?: I can see you in the window waiting for my call (Untouchable • Big Time Rush) How do you feel about the person you cannot stand the most?: If ever you’ve got rain in your heart, someone has hurt you and torn you apart, am I unwise to open up your eyes to love me (Run To Me • Bee Gees)  The best date ever, in your book, would consist of…: Dear Theodosia, what to say to you?(Dear Theodosia • Leslie Odom Jr. & Lin-Manuel Miranda) If you sent a random Hallmark card to a friend, you would write to them: Are we growing up or just going down? It's just a matter of time until we're all found out. (Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year • Fallout Boy) If you had the chance to speak to (a) God, what would you say?: Every time I see her, she don’t even look my way (Just My Style • Gary Lewis and the Playboys) Finish the sentence: “When the going gets tough…”: My friend came to me with sadness in his eyes and told me that he wanted help before his country dies (Bangla Desh • George Harrison)  How do you deal with your stress?: I can almost remember their funny faces (Jet • Paul McCartney) What is your biggest burden in life?: Somebody’s knocking at the door, somebody’s ringing the bell (Let Em In • Wings) What’s the coolest thing about your best friend?: Hands, put your empty hands in mine (Stand By You • Rachel Platten) Why do you love the one you do?: Sweet, wonderful you.  You make me happy with the things you do (You Make Loving Fun • Fleetwood Mac) If a friend broke their arm and got a cast, what would you write on it?: Gonna build myself a castle high up in the clouds (Dance the Night Away • Cream)  You see a stick and wet cement. What do you write?:  It feels so right now hold me tight (Hold Me Tight • The Beatles) A guy just stole your (purse, car, etc)! What do you yell at him?: Welcome to the camp, I guess you all know why you’re here (We’re Not Gonna Take It • The Who) You pass a crack addict on the corner one day. Solemnly he tells you: Well now we’re respected in society, we don’t worry bout the things that we used to be, we’re talkin heroin with the president (Respectable • The Rolling Stones) What will your baby’s first words be?:  He knows about you in every way, he's memorized every part of your face (Does He Know • One Direction) You are at your wit’s end, and decide to write a suicide note. It begins: The pound is sinking, the peso’s falling, the lira’s reeling and feeling quite appalling (The Pound is Sinking • Paul McCartney) Why can’t there be peace in the world?: Let’s talk about one, bay-bay, ya gotta hear me out (Get Another Boyfriend • Backstreet Boys)

How do you think people see you?: I walked in the band just started, the singer couldn't carry a tune in a bucket (Ten Rounds with Jose Cuervo • Tracy Byrd) Inside, though, what kind of person are you really?: well the rain was a-fallin’ and the ground turned to mud, I was watchin’ all the people running from the flood (Deliver Your Children • Wings) If you wanted to comfort a friend, you’d say: Anytime, any day you can hear the people say that love is blind, well I don’t know but I say love is kind (Listen to What the Man Said • Wings) When you want to cheer someone up, you say: *I just make series of nonsense sounds* (Pow R. Toc H. • Pink Floyd) You’re unbelievably depressed because your friend just told you…: people say we’ve got it made, don’t they know we’re so afraid? (Isolation • John Lennon)

When you are incredibly bored, you start thinking about…?: I drive all alone, at night, I drive all alone, don’t know what I’m headed for. (Dead End Friends • Them Crooked Vultures) You’re a classy person, so instead of cursing when you’re mad, you yell…?: I met a gin-soaked, bar-room queen in Memphis (Honky Tonk Women • The Rolling Stones)   you’re writing a love letter, but what are you going to begin it with?: The theater’s so obsessed with drama so depressed, it’s hard to sell a ticket on broadway! (Keep It Gay • The Producers)  If you were to write a letter to the President of the USA, it would say…?: It’s a boy, Mrs. Walker, it’s a boy (It’s a Boy • The Who) What would someone have to tell you to make you really angry?: No no no no, don’t phunk with mah haaahrt (Don’t Phunk with My Heart • Black-Eyed Peas) …To make you really depressed?:  Cars and girls are easy to come by in this day and age, laughing joking drinking smoking til I spend my wage (Over Under Sideways Down • The Yardbirds) ...To make you sexually aroused?: Catch a star if you can, wish for something special (Are You Ready for Love • The Spinners) Your first thoughts waking up were…: Life is just a bowl of All-Bran, you wake up every morning and it’s there (Happydaystoytown • The Small Faces)  Your last words before falling asleep will be…: the sun is shining in the sky, there ain’t a cloud in sight (Mr. Blue Sky • Electric Light Orchestra)

[anarchy-in-the-pre-k]

absolutely pissed at a few friends i know dont go on tumblr. 

dont know anyone to talk to bc im down to two friends in my life so unless i want to lose them too then i guess i just have to scream into the void of anonymous blogging. ive had an crazy pathological FOMO for almost as long as i can remember. ive felt like an old old man since i was 15. all i can think about every day of my goddamn life is the passing of time and how my youth has been wasted in circumstances/a time and place where theres no cool counterculture/art for art’s sake/anything meaningful and social. im 20 now and ive been feeling like my best years are behind me for years. college is a nightmare. ive lost every friend ive had except for two and im not even entirely sure why. nobody wants to do anything. there are old friends in town, im always surrounded by old friends, but none of them leave the house. i dont want to live in a world where the only people in my life are friends from high school who blow me off every night for their millionth round of league of legends and my genuinely insane alcoholic dad who just goes on crazy rants that make me want to kill hiim and then myself. this is a crazy way to live. i cant move out. even if i could, id be miserable having a landlord/being a wage slave again. my god, all i want is the barest amount of social interaction that doesnt make me want to die. i cant believe ive never been to a crazy party, that almost all the friends ive ever had never wanted to do anything but sit around and play video games.

but onto what’s bothering me today. met up with the two friends i have left. known them for a while but we didnt use to be as close. they’re the closest to “interesting” or countercultural/artistic friends ive ever had, but they see all of that as mostly behind them. im incredibly resentful of not being “let in” on some of the more crazy times they had when we were growing up, but i can usually manage those feelings. today, they were just reminiscing about this secret spot in the woods they used to have wild parties at during high school. the way they described it made it seem like every stupid youthful experience that i’ve ever wanted. huge gatherings getting broken up by cops, a small pond for diving in from a gigantic vandalized cliff. glow sticks tied in trees for when it gets dark. ive known about this place forever, and ive always asked everyone to show it to me. i asked for years and years and years and nobody took the fucking 2 hours out of their lives to satisfy my curiosity. now i just have to sit there and listen to them talk about it like its the greatest thing that ever happened to them, so many life-changing experiences. so many true and completely authentic celebrations of being young and irresponsible. everything i always wanted, i begged them over and over to show me when we were all younger and they never found the time. now, they just talk about it, and i sit there, visually super uncomfortable, i tell them im annoyed that they never got around to taking me there- they dont take criticism well at all. they try to be polite, but they just want me to quit complaining. after the most hyperbolic shit you can imagine coming out of their mouths about this glorious place that shaped their young lives, i immediately hear a “oh, you wouldnt have liked it anyway, logan” just to shut me up. i didnt say anything to them for the rest of the day.

I know how crazy I sound, I dont care. I know there’s something wrong with me in the way i glorify those kinds of memories, how badly i want times like that to come back, but they know that about me too, and it was almost as if that whole conversation was designed specifically to torture me. it was like they took my deep-rooted, extremely sensitive pathological FOMO and said absolutely every combination of words that would set it off. i felt like some kind of incredibly cruel joke was being played on me at certain points. they went on for like 20 minutes. i think im really getting sick of this friend group, but if idecide to take a break from them, then ill be down to 0 friends. 0 friends and my only human interaction will be with my insane, narcissistic, racist, violent dad, who’s just looking for an excuse to kick me out of the house anyway.

I hate the kind of person i am now. I hate having this much hate in me. I know that absolutely nothing in this environment is doing any favors for me mentally, but i cant think of anything else to do. I say that now, even as I type it, I dont feel any better. there is nothing cathartic about this. I can say it over and over again “I dont know what to do now” but that doesnt change the fact that when im done making this post, i will have to keep living this. i have no power to change my life. there are no new friends to be had. i dont know how to meet women beyond dating apps, and staying on them makes me miserable. i have no other relatives to complain about my dad to. i have no other friends i can complain about these two to. all i do is list my problems in my head with nothing productive to be done even after identifying my problems. I know that so much of it is “just me”, but my environment is forcing all the worst parts of me to come out over and over. im horribly, incredibly lonely, but i hate everyone i come to interact with. i dont know if theres any hope for it to ever be otherwise for me. i thought i would use isolation, especially during quarantine, to make some money and prove my worth to myself as an artist. ive had my stories published bought by a few magazines now and i still feel horribly empty. i feel too world weary to even imagine myself having a positive relationship/friendship with anyone ever again. im just so tired of every single person that i meet. im tired of everyone, and the most amount of pleasure afforded to me is sitcom reruns and fast food. the safest, most conformist material pleasures that there are. i hate my own melodrama, i hate that i care this much about small thinngs, i hate that theres something so deeply wrong with my psyche that im this crazed by the mention of a punk hangout spot that nobody ever showed me when i was younger, but i am going to live the rest of my life resenting that everyone around me only wanted to game, and nobody ever wanted to go to the shady/weird spots of the woods with me. how can i have missed my chance to childishly self indulgence, only to come out a whining adolescent still? how can i still be such a kid while missing what it felt like to be a kid? i dont know. ive always felt this way, but its only been especially bad for the last 3ish years. if it keeps going like this i dont know what ill do. again, no catharsis. again, there is nothing healing about my writing this. life sucks at every moment and then, somehow, i decide to keep living. im going to build a ted shed soon i think

[bigweldindustries]

IT IS TIME FOR MY 2017 REVIEW STRAP THE FUCK IN LADS 

i just drank too much cider whilst watching rogue one so this should be interesting

2017 was kind of the year where shit just kind of happened. I was like, half on autopilot for most of it. I kicked it all off with the Shelter Live Tour in February, and that had me like bruh. bruh. i’m not fuckin engaging in the content i want to. my heart isn’t in the overwatch fandom. so i packed the fuck up and ended up setting myself in the edm fandom like. ok i am here now

and the whole year was like that. like oh okay, apparently i’m an EDM blog now? cool. oh so i collect pins now? neat. i keep buying concert tickets? thats a thing i do now i guess. i wear a fucking leather trench coat now? sweet, guess i’m a 80′s cyberpunk anime character now

i uuuhhhh weeded out a lot of snakes. a lot of my ‘friends’ proved themselves to be extraordinarily shitty this year, so i pulled out the relationship scissors and cut them the fuck off. i ALSO made so many fuckin???????? nice ass friends this year???? everyone is SO GOOD bless u all. i even got to meet my best friend ava @angeliic like........IN REAL LIFE this week and it was so good. i cried. @ all my friends; i love you and you are so good and i can’t wait to spend 2018 with you all

some of my best times this year were spent getting drunk at house parties with my mates. i have so many fuckgin. good memories from them bless

this is the first time i’m ending a year single in 4 years, which is weird. throwback to the day after i dumped my ex when i was like ‘you know what? i deserve this’ and impulse bought gorillaz tickets KJGKJHGKJKHGF

uuuhhhhh album of the year? jimmy urine’s the secret cinematic sounds of jimmy urine. great. 80s synth video game soundtrack its fuckin GOOD go listen to it

track of the year?????????? gorillaz and little simz’ garage palace, probably. honestly iconic. also something else live holy SHIT 

uuuhhhh i’m gonna be pulling the ultimate Power Move (tm) shortly after midnight so i’m kickin off 2018 RIGHT lads. also i’m getting drunk as shit with my mates tomorrow? i’ve got so much expensive vodka ive smuggled into my room (i bought it. i didnt steal it). i think this’ll be my last time underage drinking as my birthday is in exactly one (1) month and one (1) day.......................1st february lads. yeehaw

CONCLUSION: 2017 sort of sucked but i fuckign lvove my friends. and also music. see u all on the other side. im gay and i would die for hugo leclercq. 

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